#i mean it’s obvious they aren’t indicative of anything! because i am also guilty

[number-1-crush]

having anxiety and a crush at the same time is so much to deal with

[ddarker-dreams]

Yandere “MBTI”

Disclaimer: The yandere trope is not a portrayal of healthy or ideal relationships, but instead a horror-based genre meant to stick strictly to fiction. 

I was inspired by the MBTI type indicator to make something similar but for yandere characters! I am by no means an expert and it’s mostly just a fun little assessment on the yandere trope because I love personality test stuff. Feel free to send asks giving your own input and ideas!! 

Another preface, I think that yandere as a whole is complex and can’t be simply boiled down to a few terminologies and concepts. In doing so it loses a lot of nuance that’s unique to the trope/genre whatever you’d want to call it. So that being said I view this system to be more of a of how I generally think most yanderes operate, rather than a set of rules that must be followed. I say this because I’d hate to stifle any creativity that doesn’t strictly fall into it! A lot of these mix and match with one another as well, so it isn’t always 100% either-or. 

I’ve seen some of these concepts floating around before and I’m not claiming to be the creator of any of them!! I’m just giving my two cents on stuff I’ve seen before. 

That being said, let’s get started !! Underneath the cut for length.

Cruel vs. Reverent

This preference is how a yandere outwardly and inwardly acts towards their darling. 

Cruel yanderes often belittle their darling. These are the types of yanderes that see their darling as more of a playing than their equal lover, a way to pass the time or enjoy themselves. They test the limits of what their darling can handle, most often than not for their own entertainment and no practical usage. They’re capable of being degrading and sadistic, taking pleasure in whittling down their darling or molding them into something new entirely. How they do so can vary, but most commonly involves inflicting physical or heavy emotional strain. These yanderes are capable of feeling some twisted version of “love”, or feel nothing at all. 

Examples of cruel yanderes include Hisoka from Hunter x Hunter, Izaya Orihara from Durarara, and Rohan Kishibe from Jojo’s Bizarre Adventures. 

Reverent yanderes look at their darling as if they’re the entire universe. Even if they do things that make their darling unhappy, they don’t do it just for the sake of making them upset. There’s often a purpose within their own mind that justifies their actions, normally believing that it’s for their darling’s own good. They hold their darling in high regard and do what they can to give their darling the best life possible (within reason). These yanderes are more common. They might even feel a sense of “guilt” for how they’ve negatively impacted their darling psyche, and try to make it up to them in their own way. 

Examples of reverent yanderes include Izuku Midoriya from My Hero Academia, Narancia Ghirga from Jojo’s Bizarre Adventures, and Todoroki Shouto from My Hero Academia. 

Questions to ask when characterizing a yandere into either category: 

How do they generally act towards others? Is it different with their darling? 

Is it possible their behavior would change over time? 

What would they be willing to do for their darling?

Aware vs. Delusional

Kinda self explanatory. This is more of a scale of a yandere’s perception of reality. 

Aware yanderes will know that their darling doesn’t love them, and most likely despises them. Or if their darling does love them, that they’re probably not deserving of it due to their immoral actions. It mixes in with a lot of guilt over what they’ve done to their darling, even if they think it’s for the best in the long term. These yanderes don’t fool themselves into believing that they deserve their darling’s love, though they wish they had it. As much as it hurts, they have come to accept it, almost as a self-inflicted punishment for their actions. 

On the other hand, aware yanderes can simply not care that their darling doesn’t love them. This often intermingles with cruel yanderes. What matters most to them is monopolizing their darling’s feelings/time, reveling in the power they hold. It’s not that they feel bad about what they’re doing, or that they intend on changing their ways due to how much darling despises them. They can even view it as a challenge to see what darling will handle before crumbling. 

Examples of aware yanderes include Giorno Giovanna from Jojo’s Bizarre Adventures, Chrollo Lucilfer from Hunter x Hunter, and Leone Abbacchio from Jojo’s Bizarre Adventures. 

Delusional yanderes are unreasonable and stubborn to a fault. They believe from the bottom of their heart that their darling does love them, twisting everything to serve as evidence for this. Whether it’s a small sign of kindness that they interpret as requited love, or even a passing glance on the street, anything and everything is used to validate their delusions. These yanderes twist their darling’s hatred in their own favor, to protect themselves; as the reality of their darling hating them would be too much to bear. That there’s no possible way darling hates them, there must be another explanation for it that isn’t related to their behavior. This is how a delusional might think. While not all delusional yanderes share this extreme way of thinking, they believe some level of it, depending on how far gone they are.

Examples of delusional yanderes are Shigaraki Tomura from My Hero Academia, Illumi Zoldyck from Hunter x Hunter, and Josuke Higishikata from Jojo’s Bizarre Adventures.

Questions to ask when characterizing a yandere into either category:

What is this character’s mental state?

How do they view their darling? 

What does this character consider their relationship to be with their darling?

Manipulative vs. Honest

This is how yanderes interact with their darling/darling’s surroundings. 

Manipulative yanderes are more of a classic. They set a goal and are ruthless at pursuing it, twisting every variable in their favor, regardless of how immoral it may be. Nothing is sacred to them, they’ll pull all the stops necessary of keeping their darling in check. When it comes to obtaining their darling, they’ll decide what’s necessary to get their darling in a position they like. They can be more subtle about their influence, or painfully obvious. They’ll make darling question themselves, having set up plans behind the scenes to twist everything into their favor. This can extend to those that darling knows. Forms of manipulation can include making darling question themselves, threatening their darling somehow, or threatening those around their darling to isolate them. 

Outside of interacting with darling, they might mess around with darling’s surroundings. From getting them to lose their job somehow, kicked out of their residence, or getting darling’s friends to abandon them without any explanation. Anything to make darling fully reliant on them is the true goal of manipulative yanderes. Whether they’re doing it for a “self-righteous” reason such as keeping darling safe, or solely because of their selfish desire to keep darling all to themselves, depends on the individual yandere.

Examples of manipulative yanderes include Izaya Orihara from Durarara (very much so), Bruno Bucciarati from Jojo’s Bizarre Adventures, and Kai Chisaki from My Hero Academia. 

Honest yanderes don’t see the point in beating around the bush and are a bit of a rarer type. They love (or want to being in possession) of their darling, and they want to be important to darling as well. Simple enough. They don’t like wasting their time with little games of cat and mouse, and would rather they get what they want as soon as possible. The type to say, “I like you, you like me, let’s go out.”, or if they’re aware, “I like you, you want something from me, let’s both get something out of this.” They may not be capable of being manipulative, or simply see it as a waste of valuable effort. A lot of times these yanderes aren’t transparent for the sake of being transparent, and it’s simply a different form of controlling their darling on a lazier level. 

It’s also possible that honest yanderes feel too guilty to be manipulative of their darling. Why this is depends on the yandere, but possible reasons include not feeling deserving of darling in the first place, or that it’d hurt them if they falsely led darling on. These yanderes would feel more content knowing darling is safe and happy more than anything, if their goal isn’t to obtain darling’s love. This leads to a lot of self-destructive behavior at times, for the sake of keeping darling content. 

Examples of honest yanderes include Jonathan Joestar from Jojo’s Bizarre Adventures, Leone Abbacchio from Jojo’s Bizarre Adventures, and (to a lesser extent), Todoroki Shoto from My Hero Academia.

Questions to ask when characterizing a yandere into either category:

How do they go about getting into a relationship with darling? 

What do they hide from their darling? 

Is this character one that would feel guilty for their actions?

Strict vs. Lenient

This will decide how a yandere wants their darling to act/their expectations. 

Strict yanderes have an internal rule set that they want their darling to follow, whether they vocalize it or not. This can be anything from not wanting their darling to do certain things, to expecting certain behaviors from them. This yandere is most likely going to kidnap their darling, or if they don’t, it’s suffocating enough to the point it feels like their darling is trapped. They micromanage every aspect of their darling’s life. How they deal with a darling’s “betrayal” of not acting how they’re supposed to depends on if they lean towards cruel or reverent. The reason strict yanderes act the way they do can range from wanting to protect their darling, to wanting to keep darling all to themselves.

Examples of strict yanderes include Giorno Giovanna from Jojo’s Bizarre Adventures, Kai Chisaki from My Hero Academia, and Illumi Zoldyck from Hunter x Hunter. 

Lenient yanderes are more of a rare, chill kind. This can stem from confidence that their darling really can’t do much about them, even if they’re allowed to live their life as they please. They don’t really feel an urge to kidnap their darling or to lock them away and throw the key. To an extent they still might want their darling to act a certain way, but they have their own stuff going in on life to attend to. That or they prefer to have a more “natural” feeling relationship. Lenient yanderes can control their darling in other, more subtle ways rather than outright taking away all darling’s freedom. 

Examples of lenient yanderes include Guido Mista from Jojo’s Bizarre Adventures, Dabi from My Hero Academia, and Hisoka from Hunter x Hunter.

Questions to ask when characterizing a yandere into either category:

How likely is this yandere to restrict their darling? 

If they choose not to restrain their darling, why is that?

What rules would they want their darling to adhere to? 

Thank you for reading my musings, and like I said before, feel free to chime in with any thoughts of your own! Feel free to send asks if you’re wondering where I’d place a yandere on this scale. 

[obeiii-mee]

Heyo, this is my first time asking (im kinda new to tumblr, so please dont judge) if you would'nt mind, could you do some headcannons (or oneshots, it dosen't matter) with all the demon bros and a MC who is crippled/paralized in their legs, and has to use a wheelchair to get around? Thank you!!

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This is the first time I’ve written about a crippled MC, so I hope I didn’t fuck this up or anything. I found out that being paralysed in both legs is a disability called Paraplegia so that’s how I titled this post. And y’all are too sweet, you are more than welcome anon! I hope I can portray this properly because I am not crippled myself so I’ve opted to do some research before writing this! I hope you like it! Also, I feel inclined to add that none of the brothers would treat you too differently if you happen to have a disability because you’re their human nonetheless :)

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The Brothers with an MC that has Paraplegia and needs a wheelchair to get around:

Lucifer:

-Lucifer was in charge of choosing the final human, exchange student for the program so it’s guaranteed he already knew about your predicament before you even arrived

-Him and Diavolo probably had many meetings concerning your disability before the program could commence, considering that being unable to walk would double the chances of you getting killed since you are obviously more vulnerable

-Not to mention all the treatment you would require

-Lucifer is not well versed in human illnesses and disorders, but he makes sure that he is educated enough on the matter before you get brought down there

-It would not be easy, but he is determined to help you survive your year in DevilDom for the prince’s sake

-First problem of the day was, of course, your wheelchair

-Due to lack of time, Lucifer was unable to instal ramps around the House of Lamentation which meant that for the first couple of weeks, someone would’ve had to help you move around certain parts of the house

-He gave that highly prestigious job to himself because he didn’t trust his brothers and thought they would accidentally drop you and your wheelchair down the stairs

-He talks a lot to you, even at the beginning, because he needs to establish your needs and what he should do to make sure you don’t die for the following year

-You would have to tell him about physical therapy and how most commonly it uses heat, massage and exercise to stimulate your nerves and muscles, making it a great treatment for people with leg paralysis

-Once you two enter a more intimate and personal relationship, it’s more than likely he’ll help you perform those things himself (instead of kidnapping a human doctor from somewhere)

-Lucifer knows you have no problem getting around with your wheelchair by yourself but there are times where he’ll insist to push you along in order to give you a quick break

-I can totally imagine you two strolling around DevilDom and having cosy chats about RAD and your adjustments to DevilDom

-He has a softer side to him that he’s afraid to show most of the time, but he feels so at ease when you’re around, it’s hard for him to hold that part of him hidden from you

-Of course, your safety still remains his primary concern and he acts more like your guardian than Mammon does, even if he was originally supposed to look out for you

-He will accompany you almost anywhere. And if he can’t, he’ll have one or more of his brothers do it. And even then he’s probably lurking nearby, just in case

-He would always be willing to listen about your condition, if you wished to tell him whether you were born with the defect or why you ended up crippled later in life. Either way, he’s all ears

-If you would rather not speak about it, he wouldn’t pry and respect your decision because he knows it’s not his place to pressure you

-Because of your paralysis, it’s quite obvious to demons that you are even weaker (physically speaking) than most humans and that usually puts a target on your back

-Howver, never fear, because Lucifer is pretty quick to put lower rank demons in their place with just a mere stare

-Oop one of them passed out from the fear, haha

-In conclusion, he’s the most responsible when it comes your comfort and safety during your stay

-He makes sure you are always left in good hands and and provides most of the requirements you need

-Y’all should see how his wings puff up when he senses a threat approaching you, he looks like a peacock ready to go on attack lol

Mammon:

-The second born is unsurprisingly a bit of a jerk at first

-He stays really grumpy the whole day of your arrival because he’s stuck babysitting you stupid human

-“Lucifer c’mon, what’s all this workload for? The human can’t even walk by themselves, why do I have to help them out?”

-Wtf Mammon you can’t say shit like that

-Anyways, the following very few days, the only thing he’s thinking about is how much money he could sell your wheelchair for

-He’s the literal incarnation of greed, what else did you expect from him?

-After a while, he starts feeling a bit guilty every time he thinks about it though

-Mammon is gonna take this secret to the grave (laughs in immortal) but he actually really likes pushing you around

-Maybe it’s because it’s a clear indication to everyone around him that you are HIS human, under HIS protection and therefore you trust HIM the most since he was your FIRST MAN

-He will insist on helping you get out of that thing when you need to go to bed and stuff every night and he will get pouty real fast if you let any of his other brothers do it

-You wake up to him trying to roll around in your wheelchair one night at like 3am

-At some point, he stole a wheelchair from the human realm to match with his human. You can guess the consequences of his actions

-I can imagine you having to face a staircase or something at school and Mammon being like:

-“Fuck it, imma carry this fragile human instead; wheelchair and all!”

-Like you were a sack of potatoes or something smh

-Cue his brothers watching him from a distance as he heaves you and basically weight-lifts you up the stairs

-Ok but every now and again, he gets so sad thinking about you not being able to walk, like he starts crying kinda sad

-While you stand there like 😐 “Why are you crying?”

-He’s so quick to help if he senses you’re in danger too

-It’s canon that Mammon is crazy fast if he wants to be so if he has even the slightest impression that your life is threatened, his feet are already moving

-He will charge at your immediate threat at around 120 miles per hour-do not try him when he’s mad

-“The Great Mammon saved the day! C’mon MC, let’s go buy some ice cream. My treat! Ya better be grateful!”

-He says while the demon that tried to eat you lies on the floor with about a dozen broken bones

-Mammon is the second most powerful demon out of all of his brothers, even if he doesn’t resort to violence often

Levi:

-He didn’t really know how to react when you first teleported to DevilDom

-I mean, from the very beginning he considered you to be a human normie but at the same time, he felt bad you were stuck with his brothers for the rest of the year

-I think he would understand you would have an even harder time integrating yourself in their house because of your disability and he knows his siblings are really fucking annoying, always pushing you around and whatnot

-So, he kinda lets you hide in his room quite often

-You guys chill out in there all the time, much to the dismay of the other brothers who also want to spend time with you

-At some point, Levi definitely begged asked Lucifer to let you start online classes with him

-“But wouldn’t it be easier for MC to do online school from home rather than go to R.A.D since there aren’t any ramps or anything around there???”

-“The answer is no Leviathan.”

-“Ugh fine! What a fucking boomer-“

-For some reason, he gets so flustered whenever you ask him to push you around

-He blushes right to the tips of his ears and then he starts sputtering some nonsense that you can’t make out at all

-But he’s more than happy to do it, especially if you guys are going to a convention or if he’s dragging you out to buy new merch

-You two would get along in the sense that Levi realises the struggles you faced all your life were tough to overcome and he believes you are just like him

-Usually left out by other people, ignored even

-He knows you always listen to him ramble on about whatever he is currently obsessed with and how much you check up on him to make sure he never isolated himself

-He wants to do that for you too! Talk to him about your hobbies, please I’m begging you-he feels so bad whenever he’s doing all the talking

-If you ask him to help you with anything (getting something, helping you into bed—that sort of thing), he legally and physically can’t say ‘no’

-And he would get envious enough to stop talking to you for a day or two if you let his brothers do it instead (the second and third born are indeed similar lmao)

-S T A Y I N H I S R O O M, W H E R E Y O U C A N B E P R O T E C T E D !

-He will feel so much more at ease if you’re in his room because to him, that’s his haven

-If you’re in there with him, that means you’re not getting involved in his siblings’ endless and dangerous shenanigans

-Whenever you’re at school, he can’t help but worry about your well-being

-Because you’re human! You’re gonna get killed!! Do you know how much your organs sell on the black market in DevilDom??? 100x more than in the human realm, that’s for sure

-Would they have a black market or would it be a regular market lol

-For some reason, he also likes staying in your wheelchair when you’re not using it

-I think he just takes comfort in knowing it’s something that belongs to you and smells like you and-

-OK Levi, sit back down

-He wouldn’t treat you any differently if you had a disability tbh, but he’d be more concerned because you can’t even run away or anything

-So he’s so fuckin’ relieved when you guys are just vibing in his room

-He could die happy knowing he kept his best friend/ partner safe

Satan:

-Satan would be even more prepared for your arrival than Lucifer would, in a sense

-Out of all of his brothers, he’s most likely to understand and recognise paraplegia (either from studying human illnesses/birth defects/disabilities or from encountering humans with said disability)

-He’s a smart boy, alright?

-Always seems to be the first to notice if you need help or if someone’s bothering you

-Though in the very beginning, he was pretty tempted to just let you get killed to see how angry Lucifer could get

-Seeing dear Luci’s misery brings him great joy 🥰🥰🥰

-Once you two manage to build a very honest and strong relationship, he feels more and more inclined to keep you out of harm’s way

-Pls, he would feel so honoured if you let him push you around (it’s like you asked him to h*ld h*nds or something)

-If you require treatment of any kind, he would be so happy to help

-But in a subtle way...?

-Satan makes it seem so smooth too like he doesn’t mind lending a helping hand when in reality he’s all giddy inside

-*Kinda wants to rub it in his brothers’ faces but at the same no, because he’s definitely the bigger person here

-He wants to know how your wheelchair works

-It’s got all of these neat mechanisms and he wants to learn how they’re constructed because he never had the chance to inspect one before

-He’s such a sweetheart about asking you as well and never pries about your disability unless you start elaborating yourself

-Most of the time, he acts all charming and very gentleman-like

-So people have a hard time spotting and acknowledging the building rage inside of him every time he sees you are threatened by some moronic low rank demon

-Satan’s usually chill when it comes to injuries, unless he can see you’re in horrible pain

-There’s nothing a few spells can’t accomplish

-But when others purposefully try harming you?

-It’s like he loses all the self control he’s been trying to perfect over the centuries and he can’t help himself from at least breaking someone’s rib cage

-Satan’s a weird one because he’s protective of you even though he’s more on the relaxed side when compared to his siblings

-He very much acknowledges that you made it this far in life with your predicament so he doesn’t feel the need to baby you or anything

-You’re strong and he knows this

-It’s one of the many things he clearly loves about you

-That one time you rolled over Mammon’s foot with your wheelchair on purpose, he was wheezing

Asmo:

-Even now, he can’t help but wonder what it would be like to be stuck inside a wheelchair for the rest of his eternal life

-I mean, he’d obviously still be absolutely fabulous, have you seen him? He’s gonna be gorgeous either way

-But after the two of you meet, he definitely starts thinking about how he takes his feet for granted all the time

-It would be so difficult to complete his daily tasks without the ability to walk or run around

-That’s why he gets sad every time he remembers that’s your reality and on days like that, you’ve noticed he gives you a helluva lot more attention than usual

-He knows you don’t need pity or anything so he’s just making sure his human has all the support they can get

-Paraplegia or not, shopping trips are still a go-go

-He loves buying you clothes! And he loves helping you try them on! Asmo takes it very seriously

-Might have a go at the employees if they’re being rude to you

-You don’t even ask him to, but he subconsciously starts pushing you around himself whenever the two of you are out together

-“MC! Look at that new shop that’s just opened! Isn’t it adorable? We have to check it out!”

-He can’t help it! There’s so many places he wants to visit, he sort of just drags you with him wherever he goes

-Even at home, he always pops out of nowhere to coax you into coming to his room

-Y’all have so many skin routines to do each day

-Like he’s in your room most nights to greet you goodnight and tuck you in, with the rest of his brothers it gets so awkward at times

-Asmo just wants to see you smile, ok? He thinks you have a beautiful smile and laugh and he wants to remind you that you’re marvellous, disability or not

-And if anyone does anything to put an end to your self confidence, he will swiftly put an end to their life

-Please, he’s a pro at ruining lives, he’s been doing it for centuries

-Asmo has such a huge influence over the people in DevilDom, he just needs to make this one post on Devilgram to end said demon’s whole career

-I mean, who is he compared to him, Hmm? So don’t worry MC, scum like that don’t even deserve to breathe the same air as you :)

-That one time Mammon tried lifting you up the stairs and Asmo started shrieking, like put them down! Don’t manhandle them like that, poor human :(

Beel:

-I know I sound repetitive, but he would be an overall sweetheart to you no matter the circumstances

-If Mammon is not by your side, then Beel definitely is

-His big, scary aura and figure usually scares off any threat in a 10 mile radius

-Most demons don’t fancy being eaten by the Avatar of Gluttony, ya know?

-Idk why but I feel like he’d be the type to ask for oral consent every time he wanted to push you around

-He doesn’t want to make you uncomfortable :(

-Surprisingly also the type to lift you and your wheelchair whenever an obstacle gets in your way

-You basically weigh the same amount as a paper plate compared to him, so he has no problem doing so

-He doesn’t really understand your condition as well as Satan may do, but he’s trying his best

-You mean so much to him and he feels it’s only fair he learns more about your disability as a thank you for what you’ve done for him

-He has a rough time keeping up with you when it comes to stuff like physical therapy because he’s very unfamiliar with it but that doesn’t mean he’s not gonna help

-Of course, Beel believes that this is the second best way to show you how much he cares for you besides the obvious ‘I love you’

-Giving you a hand whenever you need his support the most

-That’s his way of saying “I’m not going to let you down. I want you to trust me, the same way I trust you.”

-And knowing him, he will try to do everything in his power to keep you safe and sound

-After a while, you’re bound to notice he’s the first one to pull you out of his brothers’ pranks before you have a chance to get hurt

-Beel is always the one handing you stuff from high places you can’t reach, without teasing you for it like Mammon might do

-Always the first one to remind you to get plenty of rest and to eat enough

-He wants to protect you and his brothers because he knows he failed to do so with Lilith so yeah, he’s a bit overprotective at times

-He doesn’t mean to be overbearing, but he gets so anxious knowing you’re by yourself

-After a few months of getting accommodated with him, your disability is no longer brought up in the conversation

-Because he doesn’t care that you are crippled and forced to use a wheelchair

-You are part of his family and he loves you no matter what

Belphie:

-He didn’t really care, even when you first met and his hatred for humans was at its very peak

-It didn’t matter that you had a disability

-All that mattered to him at the time was killing you to satisfy that deeply rooted need of vengeance inside of him

-Though he was sort of surprised his brothers didn’t get to you first

-In general, he’s pretty chill about you being crippled in both legs

-It takes too much effort to worry about your well-being 24/7 after all

-Surprisingly, he does keep an eye out for you if his siblings aren’t nearby

-It’s his redemption arc people, he’s trying to be nicer

-But he has such an irritating way of showing his affection for you

-Do not let him push you around

-He’s either going to a) fall asleep after 30 seconds and slump over you in the middle of RAD’s halls

-Or b) be annoying and fling your wheelchair in every direction possible just to piss you off

-He likes messing with you because you give him the best reactions and he thrives on that

-You’ve almost fallen off your wheelchair multiple times because of this asshole

-Not that he’d actually let you fall, he just wants to see how easily he can get you to yell at him

-Speaking of said wheelchair, like Mammon and Levi, he also loves using it when you’re not

-You’ve woken up to him curled up and asleep in that thing quiet often and he’s gotten in trouble over it every time with Lucifer

-But he doesn’t care

-And at this point, I don’t think even he knows whether he’s doing it to get a reaction out of you or because he somehow found a way to make himself comfortable there

-He would low key use you as a mode of transportation every time you go to RAD

-Just clings the damn wheelchair and almost topples both of you over

-“Belphie, there’s nothing stopping you from walking 😐”

-“Shh, just bring me to class and let me nap until then.”

-He doesn’t mention your legs but he still lays his head on your lap often

-Might make you hold him like a bride every time you stroll around the house

-It’s done out of love, I promise 😌😌

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Al~

[beautyofthend]

Kate Fleming - A Character Study

There were many things that annoyed me about the series finale of Series 6, I could talk about it for days on end. But the one thing that perhaps annoyed me the most was the way in which Kate went through massive character development throughout Episodes 1-6 and then that got all but dropped by Episode 7. Dropped in the sense that every piece of character development within Kate through those first episodes had been obvious, explicit; we can see very clearly that Kate had changed in the time she had left AC-12 and joined MIT, but as we got to Episode 7 this character development dropped to mere subtext and having to read between the lines just to understand Kate’s motives. 

I’m going to be exploring that and finding the best possible explanation for Kate’s character because I feel as though it would be very easy to misjudge her without explanation. 

To start I just want to say that this is all my opinion, I’ll try to back up my points as best I can but it is just my interpretation of how I’ve seen Kate as a character. Enjoy. 

Character development is crucial in shows that have multiple series, more so when it’s main characters are prevalent throughout. We, as the audience, need to see these characters go through change, they can’t stay as the same person the whole time. They can have certain characteristics and arcs that remain as we watch their journey but when characters go through situations, like real life, they don’t come out the other side as who they were before. We as humans change everyday, I am not the same person I was last week. Of course, not in a drastic way but events change us, we develop. So when we watch programmes we expect to see similar changes in characters. 

And we do. Throughout Line of Duty we see our main characters, Kate, Steve and Ted, put through many events, some major, some not so. They are often put in danger or will be witness to catastrophic moments: Kate and Steve were present when Tony ended his life, Kate was present when Dot got shot, she was also present when Danny got shot. I could go on but you get the point. We’ve seen our characters go through a lot so we should expect to see their development. I shouldn’t expect to see that Kate remains fairly the same between Series 1-5. 

But let’s dig into that more. Kate is a strong, steely, kick-ass character. She doesn’t put up with things and isn’t afraid to tell someone when they’re in the wrong - she has quite happily pulled Ted up on his wrongdoings over the years. We see Kate in numerous undercover operations, we know that she is an expert at hiding her true feelings as a result of that. She can manipulate people into giving her information and she’s very good at playing on their emotions - but this only occurs under the guise of being a UCO. 

Kate follows a set guide when she becomes a UCO and we see this throughout. I find that she is pushy, never letting her questions up when she hasn’t been given the answer she wanted. She earns their trust by offering her support and being emotionally available for them (some more than others). One particular thing that she always does without fail is slate AC-12 as a means of gaining trust. Everyone she goes undercover for are under the watchful eye of AC-12 so she must show that she has nothing to do with them, that her aliases: Flynn, Foster, Francis, do not side/agree with the actions of AC-12 - this is excluding the first series where we see her using her real name Kate Fleming but she still sticks to the idea of bad-mouthing AC-12 to earn trust. Some examples over the show being: 

“AC-12, they’re robots them lot. They don’t get the difference between a corrupt officer and a decent one who made a mistake.” - To Tony Gates in S1E3

“AC-12, they twist everything and make everyone look guilty.” - To Lindsay Denton in S2E2

“You know what they’re (AC-12) like, fishing for inconsistencies. Anything they can pounce on.” - To Jackie Brickford in S3E3

“AC-12 leaving with their tail between their legs.” - To Roz Huntley in S4E2 - this is more telling as this scene actually takes place in front of Steve and in E3 she does it again, going as far to call Steve a “wanker” in front of everyone. 

The only time we don’t see her using this tactic is in S5, because she has no reason to - she’s not undercover at any point so she doesn’t need to gain anyone’s trust - and in S6 where in which she actually uses her knowledge of AC-12 to reassure Jo. 

“I know the kinds of cases that AC-12 are into, boss.” - In S6E2. She’s not trying to distance herself from AC-12 she’s trying to show Jo that she doesn’t have to worry about anything since “It’s just the way AC-12 operate.” - You could argue that she has no need to bad mouth AC-12 since Jo is fully aware of Kate’s connections to anti-corruption though. (She does also mention that she got “fed up of nicking coppers,” but this is in relation to her own personal feelings rather than AC-12 itself). 

But that doesn’t mean to say she doesn’t slate AC-12 at any point during S6, it’s just that she does this directly to Steve, “You spend too much time on anti-corruption, it starts to change the way you see things.” This shows that despite, in a way, defending AC-12 to Jo she doesn’t particularly side with them and feels very strongly about her reasons for leaving them in the first place.

All this is proof that Kate will go to a number of lengths to keep her cover, appearing to hate AC-12 and people that she trusts just to get close to the people she’s investigating. And she does this fairly successfully, she manages to pull the wool over their eyes - to an extent - and proves that she is a good officer, she is good at cutting off her emotions for the sake of the job. As Dot says to her in S3E2 “You’re a brilliant liar that’s all. Kind of unsettled me,” and Lindsay says something very similar to her in S2.

Kate is a master manipulator when it comes to her undercover operations, okay she isn’t always successful and has had her cover blown a number of times but they’ve always ended up being worthwhile and they manage to bring down the person that they were investigating. It shows that she is very good at her job. And her ability to control her emotions so well, really go against this stereotypical idea that women aren’t in control of their emotions, which isn’t a bad thing. 

We instead see this trope throughout Steve’s character - and Ted to an extent. Where Kate can take control of a situation and push her emotions to the side, Steve isn’t as successful in that department. He is an extremely emotional person and often lets those emotions get in the way of his job. For example, his anger and frustrations towards Tony Gates in Series 1 meant that his vision was clouded and he couldn’t see the wood for the trees, similar to his dealings with Dot -  both occasions needed Kate with her lack of emotions and clear vision to help him. 

Whilst I think it’s good that Jed is challenging these stereotypes and telling us that men can be just as emotional as women, and women can be closed off and cold - even the fact that Kate is a mother and she remains so steely is very telling - I don’t think it always works. I love that Kate is the resident heroine in Line of Duty, she’s always there to save the day and that’s great. But that doesn’t mean she can’t show emotion and that doesn’t mean she has to be so closed off all the time. We see in glimpses that this emotional side to Kate does exist however, after she hears Ted slate Dryden for having an affair with Lindsay (it’s an unknowing attack on her own situation), when she gets locked out of her house and most notably during S6E6 - there is a lot of emotions at play so there is a lot to talk about for that particular episode. 

With that being said, Series 6 does delve into this emotional side to Kate - with Jo being integral in bringing about that development. Unlike the previous series, this one perhaps focuses on Kate the most, showing her in a different setting through MIT and showing her making genuine connections with people outside of AC-12. 

When we have seen Kate outside of the realms of AC-12 it’s only been through her undercover operations, where she is having to pretend to be another person to get information out of others. But finally, in Series 6 we see her perhaps being her most true self. This is shown through the change in her wardrobe, she’s wearing clothes that she hasn’t necessarily worn before. I could go deeper but people have already done that and could explain that much better than I can. But to put it into simple terms, her wardrobe for Series 6 is vastly different from her wardrobe throughout Series 1-5, right down to the shoes. 

(Won’t go off on a tangent too much but one thing I did notice was the fact that throughout Series 1-5 Kate, most of the time, wears heeled boots - on occasion she can be seen sporting trainers or flat pumps but it’s rare - but in Series 6 she starts wearing flat, doc-style boots and can be seen wearing them, along with other flat shoes through the series. Up until that meeting between her and Jo and she’s wearing her heeled boots again - no doubt symbolising how the events of this meeting cause Kate to almost cut ties with Jo as she returns back to AC-12. She continues to wear these heeled boots through the next couple of scenes but returns to the flat ones she’s been wearing this whole time when she goes to save Jo - symbolising that yes she’s letting Jo go but she’s still on her side despite everything.)

Series 6 Kate stands out from what we’ve seen of her from the other series - she seems genuinely happy. She’s able to be herself, not having to pretend. Not having to manipulate others for information or form false friendships. Instead, she forms a close, emotional bond with Jo Davidson and there are many indicators that this is real and genuine and not Kate “pretending” as Jo so aptly put it. 

From the first episode it is very clear that Jo and Kate are close, the first time we see Kate in this episode the two of them are flirting with each other - in front of their team as well. 

“Don’t think I didn’t notice DI Fleming skulking in last minute like the dirty stop-out.” 

“Don’t go there, boss, glass houses.” 

It’s showing that Kate has settled into this new team and new dynamic and is very comfortable. Further pushing this sense of casualness that has been set up between Kate and Jo is in a later scene when Kate comes into Jo’s office and Kate is leaning on the back of the chair next to Jo’s desk.  

When we usually see Kate in a scene with a senior officer she can be seen doing the typical ‘stand to attention’ and the fact that she isn’t here is very telling. She also goes on to say in this scene “I haven’t shared this with anyone else, boss.” Telling us that there is a level of trust that has already been set up between these two - Kate doesn’t need to earn Jo’s trust, she already has it. 

This is very different to how we’ve previously seen Kate, she usually has to earn people’s trust: 

“I just want to help sir,” “Just give me the chance to prove myself to you,” “I’m here if you need to talk,” “If you need my help, just ask,” “I could make it disappear.” - Various phrases she said to Tony Gates throughout S1.

“Anything I can do boss?” Along with telling Lindsay that she’ll say that she was with her the night Lindsay’s neighbour alleged Lindsay attacked her during S2 and turning up to Lindsay’s apartment with a bottle of wine - trying to form a friendship. 

“Thanks for letting me in on this, ma’am. Look, I know we’ve had our differences but, for what it’s worth, I don’t think they’d have replaced you as SIO if you were a bloke,” to Roz Huntley in S4 - she’s also very good at working out how to get to people. She knows that the lack of female diversity and patriarchy is a weakness for Roz so Kate plays up to that (although how much of that is Kate pretending is another story but will get into that later.)

The only time she doesn’t use this ‘buddying up’ tactic is in S3 where she takes on a whole different approach with the ‘MOB.’ Where she had been previously seen, with Tony and Lindsay, to play nice to the people she’s investigating, to earn their trust, in S3 she almost aggravates them. She’s straight in there with questioning them and probing them so that they’ll crack - but I think she also knows that they’re weak, they don’t have that close a bond so if she pokes them enough someone will break away. 

But we don’t see this set up between Kate and Jo, we are thrown into an already established and trusted connection which is done on purpose to show that Kate and Jo have been close for a while prior to the events of S6. Further emphasising this, is Farida’s accusation that Kate and Jo are having an affair - it’s not said without reason. We see repeatedly throughout the time that Farida is in MIT, she is keeping a watchful eye on the interactions between Kate and Jo and it’s enough for her to suspect a relationship/affair. 

What is most interesting however, is the fact that this is the first genuine female connection that Kate has had on-screen. Of course, we became aware of her friendship with Jayne Akers but Kate was also sleeping with Richard, Jayne’s husband, so it couldn’t have been that close of a friendship. We also see a glimpse of a friendship between Maneet and Kate but it’s never delved into enough to make it relevant. 

This is the first time we’ve seen Kate work alongside a fellow female officer and have their connection be something that is real rather than faked - I think this also plays into a lot of Kate’s confusion surrounding her feelings towards Jo. Is her connection with Jo related to the fact that they’re both women who have had to work their socks off to get to the top or is it the fact that there is something deeper bubbling under the surface between them? 

Whatever it may be, there is a strong level of trust between Kate and Jo that sets them apart from all of Kate’s previous UCO interactions. Where she would normally have to dig for information from people, asking leading questions etc, Jo gives Kate information freely (obviously this is done on purpose on Jo’s part since we later find out that Jo wanted Kate on the team to solve the case and henceforth free Jo from the clutches of the OCG). All Kate has to do is ask if Jo is okay and boom, Jo opens up - not totally, but enough to emphasise the trust. 

This is a completely new dynamic for Kate, yes she’s close to Ted and Steve but even then there’s a professional distance set between all three of them. They know hints about each others lives but they don’t know everything; it wasn’t until Mark phoned Steve in S2 did he find out about Kate’s situation. And it isn’t until the last episode of S6 that Kate finally learns about Steve’s painkiller misuse. They are friends and they are close but there’s a small wall between them. But Jo is the one to break that wall and invites herself into Kate’s personal life via the small dates we see them on and Kate wanting to see Jo at the weekend outside of work. 

It’s not just a new dynamic for Kate but also a new dynamic for the audience. The only consistent friend Kate has had across the show is Steve, we see them leaning on each other in a sense and going out to the pub or for takeaways. We see that they’re close (even if they don’t necessarily reveal everything about themselves) and now all of a sudden, we are seeing Kate meeting up with someone else. Talking to someone else, having a friendship with someone else. And it’s nice. Kate deserves to have someone else outside of Steve and outside of AC-12, it hints that she’s able to have a life outside of her work. 

Note: Steve’s “Do you see a life for yourself outside the job?” In S2. Jo is proof to Kate that she can exist outside of her work. 

But now that this trust has been set up between Kate and Jo, we then delve into the moral dilemma that Kate is thrown into once Steve asks her to become a CHIS on behalf of AC-12. 

“Great. So either I’m accused of being a traitor or I become one to avoid being accused?” 

She doesn’t want to be stuck in the middle because she has loyalties to both parties. The trust formed between herself and Jo showing that she wants to stick by her but there’s still trust between her and Steve despite there being distance - this is told through her clothing later on (as pointed out by wecantseeyou here) and also by the fact she doesn’t strictly tell Steve she won’t do it, rather that she will think about it.  

Returning to Kate’s relationship with Jo and what solidifies the bond that has been set up between them is that scene that takes place at the end of the first episode. We see Kate watching as Buckells is laying into Jo about her decision to not charge Terry Boyle. Kate appears to be the only one watching, or at least the only one that cares enough - shown by the fact she follows Jo out when she leaves the room. If this was undercover Kate this would be something we expect to see, she would use this as an opportunity to swoop in and provide emotional support. But Kate isn’t undercover, she’s going after Jo because she genuinely wants to see if Jo is okay. 

She doesn’t ask Jo about what Buckells had been having a go at her about, she only asks “Boss, you okay?” - that’s the first one and Jo delves into the reason she had become so upset/why Buckells was having a go. This wasn’t something Kate asked about but she lets Jo talk and get it off her chest. As Jo goes to leave Kate then asks again, “Boss, is everything okay?” She wants to know how Jo is feeling within herself, why else would she ask twice? Kate is interested in the welfare of Jo, not in finding out the gossip of what was said in that room. 

What happens next is monumental and this is where Kate’s confusion really begins. Everything that happened between Kate and Jo before (dirty stop-out scene, talking at the same time etc) could all be passed off as them having a close friendship, nothing more. But there is a shift in this scene that pushes their relationship in a different direction - the music playing in the background only emphasising this.

Kate’s reaction to this moment is very telling, the way she looks down at their joined hands, she knows how it would look if someone seen them now; it’s not exactly how colleagues act around each other is it? We’ve not seen her form a romantic connection with a colleague (you could maybe argue Dot but it wasn’t set up in the way Kate and Jo have been set up) let alone a woman so this is all new territory for her but it is definitely romantic and this is the shift towards that. Kate’s panicked look towards Jo as Jo is leaving, she knows that something deeper is going on between them from this point on.  

Before I continue with Kate and Jo’s relationship I have to talk about that scene between Jo and Buckells and why it’s so important that Kate is the one watching that interaction and why she is the one to comfort Jo. I have said in a previous post about how there are many parallels/similarities between S4 and S6. I also said that it wasn’t necessarily related to Kate’s character but it absolutely is the more that I think about it. 

Series 4 heavily plays on inequality within the police force, how women are at a disadvantage to men when it comes to getting promotions and what not. This is portrayed through Roz Huntley, her frustrations being that she is now having to work extra hard to prove herself after returning to work from being a mum - this coincides with Hilton blackmailing her and putting the pressure on her to close the case. 

Now although Kate goes undercover to investigate Roz, they do bond over one thing: they are both women who are striving to be the best. Kate throughout S4 is persistently undermined by Ted, yes she gets a promotion to DS - something that Steve gets rather jealous over - but even after passing her inspectors exam and being more than capable of being a DI, Ted still turns her down, telling her that it was more than likely going to go to Steve since he has more experience. 

Kate is visibly hurt by this but does well to hide it. This moment in particular we can see that Kate is feeling isolated, she’s put on her own in the lift, pushed to the back of the frame, she holds herself - a visual representation of how women often feel in a male dominated workplace. This is no dig at Steve (it is, sorry) but Kate is a much more capable detective than Steve. Kate even swiftly points out how Steve’s attempt at an undercover operation had landed them in court. He’s not a bad detective, he is an extremely good one and does the job well but in comparison to Kate, he doesn’t match up. But simply because Steve is a man he gets a better chance of promotion before Kate - or at least that is how it appears. 

This brings me back to my earlier point of when Kate uses something Roz feels strongly towards and sides with her to gain her trust. But I don’t think this is Kate necessarily pretending, it’s convenient to have the topic come up but I do think it’s also something Kate feels strongly about. She’s just experienced first hand what it feels like to be on the receiving end of inequality and in a way, despite being there to investigate Roz, she does share her feelings on this issue. 

There is a defensiveness to Kate’s tone in this scene between her and Steve:

“It’s a crucial item and any irregularity…”

“Is something to throw in Huntley’s face?” 

“This isn’t personal. She’s at the centre of everything, I just want to get the truth.” 

Obviously Kate’s opinion on Roz does turn back to believing/knowing Roz is guilty but for a brief moment it appears she takes the view that AC-12 might just be investigating Roz simply because she is woman who made a couple of mistakes. We also go on to see Roz and Kate having a confrontation and sexism comes into play, with Roz lowkey telling Kate that she is worth more: 

“How old are you Kate?” 

“31.”

“I’ll tell you about my road to 31. I’d been a DI two years already. Then, I made life choices in the best interest of others. Not in my best interests, at all, as it turned out. And from what I know, you won’t make that mistake. You’d give up anything to get to the top. But despite all your ambition, you find yourself on the wrong side of the line.”

“What do you know?” 

“That you’ve got a son you barely see. Hardly holier than thou.” 

(Remember Roz’s “You’d give up anything to get to the top,” it’ll be important later).  

These words get to Kate because she knows they’re true. She is an ambitious woman who keeps getting knocked down simply because she is a woman. And the fact that she has given up her life with her son in order to pave the way for her career and yet it still hasn’t paid off clearly annoys her. She might not like Roz but they do agree on this. 

Something else that Roz brings up in her series is something that was mentioned briefly by Steve, Kate and is later mentioned by Jo - bringing in the link there. The something being The Masons. We first hear it in S3 in reference to Ted Hastings and Patrick Fairbank. And since Fairbank ends up being corrupt I think it’s fair to say that The Masons now = a form of corruption. In the same series Kate goes to meet a female AC-3 officer in order to request permission for an undercover operation, said officer goes on to say “Because I’m a woman, I can’t be a Mason,” this further solidifies that The Masons are synonymous with corruption. I mean, they are an organisation that exclude women from high ranking positions and get away with it. The fact that Kate seeks authority from a different, female officer because she knows that The Masons are technically a corrupt organisation is very telling of how she feels towards them. 

Roz accuses Ted of being a Mason and henceforth explaining that that is why he is always more interested in investigating female officers and why there is a lack of diversity within AC-12. This is a play on Kate since she had just been turned down the DI role in favour of Steve - and I think it’s fair to assume that Ted then only gave that position to Kate later because of what Roz revealed in that interview, and if he didn’t put a female officer in a high ranking role after what he had just been accused of, it would’ve looked bad on him. Which is really rather annoying to be honest, Kate should’ve got that role because she makes a good DI not because Ted got called out on his bullshit, but we move. 

In S6E3 Jo says to Kate about Buckells employing Ryan: 

“Family friend or something, probably got a nudge down at the Masonic Lodge.”

Now that one line was enough for Kate to know, at the time, that Jo wasn’t ‘bent,’ since she had just spoken out against a form of corruption. Jo had shown a dislike towards the idea that Ryan got a job on merit for simply being a man and that gives Kate ammunition to go after Buckells and find the evidence that would prove Buckells is corrupt. The fact he does end up being ‘The Fourth Man’ further pushes the idea that The Masons = Corruption. 

So Kate witnessing Buckells laying into Jo is another reason for Kate and Jo to share a bond; they’re both women in a very male dominated workplace who are more likely to be subjected to bullying by fellow male colleagues. If we do get another series I wouldn’t be surprised if it digs into The Masons and that form of corruption. 

In summary, Kate feels very strongly about inequality within the workplace since she is always undermined by her male colleagues and it wouldn’t surprise me that if half the reason why Kate feels so comfortable within MIT is because she’s working alongside a woman and she isn’t undermined nearly half as much. 

See: Jo’s constant, “That’s a good point, Kate,” “You’re right, Kate,” as opposed to Ted’s constant, “Steve’s right, Kate.” 

Back to Kate and Jo’s relationship. The shift in their relationship post that corridor scene becomes more obvious as it is from that point on where Kate starts to defend Jo to Steve:

“For Christ’s sake Steve, she’s my gaffer, you want me to rat on her?” 

And that moral dilemma comes into play again as Kate warns Jo that AC-12 are going to storm MIT and seize files. Kate isn't happy with what she’s done, you can see that from a mile off but she knows that she needed to do it since her loyalty now lies with MIT and she needs to protect the case she and her team are working on.  

I also think it has something to do with what she previously says to Steve:

“You know what it’s like being ex-anticorruption. I’ve had to work my bollocks off with them lot.” 

She knew that if she didn’t warn Jo about AC-12 then her whole team would turn on her and accuse her of being undercover/colluding with AC-12 when she isn’t (necessarily). And we’re back to the point she raises to Steve about her being seen as a possible traitor. 

We later see the first ‘date’ scene between Kate and Jo and much like how we were thrown into Kate and Jo’s relationship/closeness, we are thrown into this scene. We assume they’ve been there for a while and they’re in the middle of a conversation when we join them. And Jo is leading the conversation, she is talking freely whilst Kate is listening - once again, there’s a lot of trust between them. 

What is striking in this scene however is the parallels to a similar scenario between Kate and Tony in the first series. Context is different since that meeting is arranged as a means for Kate to dig for information from Tony whereas with Jo, it’s a chance for Kate to be a ‘sounding board’ as she puts it, she’s being emotionally available for Jo. But there is something that really stood out:  

Kate’s reaction to both being very different. With Tony she makes light of the situation whilst with Jo she doesn’t say anything, just simply nods her head. It’s all explained when given the context, she’s undercover with Tony and rule number one is to not form too close a relationship with the person you’re investigating as it could jeopardise the case she’s working on, so she has to keep it impersonal. But she puts it in a way that shuts down the allusion but doesn’t give anything away. 

Her reaction to Jo, on the other hand, is striking. She nods, not saying a word. She wants to call her Jo, she wants to cross that boundary and there is nothing stopping her from doing that so she can agree to it.

But whilst we’ve brought up this parallel we might as well look into other parallels concerning Kate’s relationship with both Tony and Jo. Tartan grey suits aside, Tony and Jo are quite similar, they were both groomed by Tommy Hunter - Jo in a much deeper and longer way but the point still stands. Tony was the one to introduce Tommy into the show and Jo was the one to take him out - not in a literal sense but she revealed the most information that would shut down the era that could be deemed as Tommy Hunter’s era. Both Tony and Jo form a close relationship with Kate, Jo’s being more genuine whereas Tony’s is faked and all smoke and mirrors. 

The proof is in the pudding here:

It’s awkward and unwelcome. Vastly different to this scene: 

Jo and Tony are perhaps the only two of the ‘bent coppers’ we see that don’t really do anything - at least nothing drastic like murder anyway. Out of all the ‘bent coppers’ they’re the most innocent. The fact that they both have connections to Ryan Pilkington as well is very telling. But I won’t go into it too much since this is about Kate. 

The difference between Kate’s relationship with Tony and her relationship with Jo is that it is made very obvious that she doesn’t like Tony. She shows no sympathy towards him at all when talking to Steve in private - once again proving how good of a liar she is since that isn’t given away in the slightest during her scenes with Tony. Jo, on the other hand, she is very fond of, even after Jo lures her to the lorry park to be murdered Kate is still defensive of the woman and still, in a small way, takes her side. 

That being said, of both relationships there are assumptions made. Nigel makes the dig “Her cover wasn’t the only thing she blew, ask Tony,” and Farida’s “Smart money’s on Kate Fleming,” to which Jo replies, “Kate and I have been shagging on the sly for months.” 

Now what would’ve made a REALLY good parallel between S1 and S6 would’ve been this conversation between Steve and Kate:

“He saved my life.”

“He put you in danger in the first place.”

A wasted opportunity there considering how many parallels there have been between these two series with all the callbacks to old characters and little references that have been made. It would’ve made the parallels between Tony and Jo even greater; Tony lured Steve to be murdered (note how Ryan is present there also) but ended up saving him and Jo lured Kate to be murdered but ended up saving her by taking the blame for Ryan’s death. It would’ve made for a very good reference. 

Moving back to the ‘date’ scene between Kate and Jo, I think I’m pointing out the obvious when I say that it has clear romantic undertones, from the lighting to the music that plays underneath - notably increasing as Kate says “Nah, not really my type.” The close up shot of this moment making it even more intimate. 

Then we move onto Kate being the one to ask Jo around for the weekend, which Jo initially turns down and Kate adds, “Yeah, no pressure,” before initiating the hug that then changes Jo’s mind. We have not seen Kate in this situation before at all. Not in a heavily loaded romantic scene anyway, not even with Richard Akers. There was a sense of a deeper connection with Richard, they were sleeping with each other after all, but it also felt impersonal. Kate would turn up to his house, they’d sleep together, they might have a small scene together afterwards and then Kate would leave. We didn’t even see them kiss. They were just two lonely people, stuck in a loveless marriage wanting to feel something that they were both missing in their relationships.  

But there’s an intimacy that’s been set up between Kate and Jo, this is more than just a friendship and it’s coming from both parties, with Kate being much more explicit about it than Jo; offering drinks, seeming happy that Jo turned the two men down and then asking to see Jo more - this is all Kate. But it’s not in the pushy way we have seen with her when it comes to her UCO’s. She’s not digging for information from Jo she just wants to love her. 

They also reveal their relationship status to each other in this moment, “It’s Mark’s turn to have Josh this weekend,” “I’ve just come out of a long term relationship.” If that isn’t screaming that what is happening between Kate and Jo isn’t just friendship then I don’t know what is. 

We then have Kate watching Jo as she leaves, there’s a pensive look on her face. She’s just crossed that boundary, she’s all but asked to spend the weekend with Jo and then followed it up with a hug. She’s made the first move and is clearly nervous about it. The romantic music continues under this and it sounds hopeful/happy. A stark contrast to how the show usually feels so the fact it’s playing up to this and taking the time to set Kate and Jo up shows that it’s important - the show doesn’t focus too much on personal lives. And because of that, it only signifies more, how annoying it is that these two got dropped to subtext after having it be so obvious. 

And with such focus on Kate in this moment it show it’s integral. Kate is finding herself in a position that she has never been in before and because she knows that AC-12 are now investigating Jo, it only worries her more. She might think that AC-12 are wrongly investigating Jo but there’s always that chance they could be right and if they are, then her professional integrity is going to be questioned for the first time. She’s finding herself in a position that is usually filled by Steve. And Kate is highly judgemental of Steve in that department. 

Then we have this scene in the third episode: 

This is their first sort of argument and Jo has pulled Kate up on her interviewing techniques, telling her that she was too harsh and that she’s “gotten used to nicking coppers.” It bothers Kate, she taps her foot, ponders for a moment and then follows behind Jo. She knows Jo’s right and we know this because she says to Steve in the next episode “You spend too much time on anti-corruption, it starts to change the way you see things.” 

She’s actually taken something that someone has said to her on board. This is rather unusual for Kate, who is extremely stubborn and isn’t a fan of people criticising her (but will happily criticise others - Kate really is the epitome of AC-12 isn’t she?) But the fact she listens to what Jo has to say and it changes her in a sense just goes to show how much she really likes Jo and she wants Jo to like her and also shows how much change Kate has gone through in just the first three episodes of S6. 

I am still trying to figure out why Kate made the decision to follow the patrol car but then I suppose it can be easily explained if you think of the fact that Kate will never be free of AC-12, no matter how hard she tries. Kate is AC-12 through and through, she is so deeply embedded in it she will never get out - it’s a stark parallel to how Jo is in a similar position in regards to the OCG. Going to be ~controversial~ here and say that I don’t think AC-12 makes Kate happy. It’s her home, it’s where she feels safe but it isn’t what makes her happy. S6 is, perhaps, the happiest that we have seen Kate. There were small hints throughout S5 that Kate no longer enjoyed working as a UCO/for AC-12, a number of quotes alluding to that, S5E1: 

“She couldn’t stop the hijack but the best she could do was limit the loss of life.” 

“Oh Christ I’ve been there. The lies, the fear. Got only knows what she’s going through.”

S5E2:

“Look Kate…Corbett’s embedded in a group of hardened criminals who’d execute him if they discover his true identity.” 

“I’ve been there, it’s not nice.”

S5E2 again:

“(About UCO’s) Ask her. She was undercover. Perfect job for a selfish arsehole that don’t give a toss about his own family.”  

“Look what Corbett’s missus said about undercover work, that was never you.”

“Thanks Steve, but she was right.” 

All that does is hint that it wasn’t just Ted’s betrayal that pushed Kate to leave AC-12, rather it being the last straw and it giving her an actual reason to want out. 

She does, however, go back to AC-12 in the end because she has nowhere else to go and her job is her life. She’d rather sacrifice her happiness to keep her job and to keep doing what she’s doing.

When she returns to AC-12, for the first time this series, she hits us with the “My first duty as a police officer is preservation of life, sir. That’s why I’m here.” Her job always comes first, above everything else (it’s half the reason why her marriage broke down). Other examples of this include this moment from S2E6:

“I was undercover with Denton, and I blew it. And now we’re blowing the whole case. I need to close this, Steve, or I’ve got nothing.” 

And in S5E6:

“I’m just calling it as I see it, Steve. The truth comes first…I’m not going to sit around and wait for a kicking off the gaffer or Carmichael when there’s police work to be done.”

Kate is highly committed to her work and will stop at nothing so she can complete it; no matter who she might be investigating/building a case upon. This causes her to come across as callous and cold but this is Kate. Her job is her life. And honestly, out of all three of the main characters, Kate is probably the straightest. The only thing coming to mind about this not being the case would be the concealment of her relationship with Richard Akers but even then, it wouldn’t have effected the case too much since Jayne and Kate never had that phone call. This idea that Kate is the straightest out of all three of them does change in S6 however, since she is the one to shoot Ryan and she lets Jo take the blame for it. But despite that, Kate still continues with her holier than thou attitude which we’ll delve into more later. 

I know I keep switching back and forth between Kate and Jo’s relationship but Jo really is integral to this development in Kate that I can’t not talk about it. There’s further proof that Kate is more interested in the welfare of Jo rather than wanting information out of her shown via this scene:  

Kate can be seen listening to the conversation between Jo and Steve but it isn’t until she hears Jo’s voice falter after hearing about Farida in prison does she then turn to look over at Jo. It peaks her interest and it explains why she brings up the topic of Farida at their next ‘date.’ 

“Look boss, I, uh, don’t want to speak out of term but…well, (Farida) claims that you two were close.” 

She’s not asking Jo a question here which is interesting. UCO!Kate would ask the question, she knows how to work people to get information out of them if she needed to. But she leaves this opened ended sentence that gives Jo the option to answer if she wants to (you could argue that since she knows how to work people then this is her way of working Jo but it doesn’t ever come across that way in my opinion). And she doesn’t, but this doesn’t necessarily bother Kate, at least not enough for her to push another question on Jo. 

“I imagine everyone’s got off on that little scenario. No life of their own so they pick holes in someone else’s. Especially if you’re a single woman.” 

“Yeah tell me about it, all it takes is a short haircut.”

Typical Kate to make a joke in this situation, it’s very much in character (made me think of her making a joke about putting Lindsay’s cat Bella into an evidence bag). The light joke doesn’t go down well with Jo and it causes her to back off. But we must remember that this is Kate’s first proper female friendship, we’ve only seen her in male dominated groups and she’s used to their way of making jokes. Prime example of that being half the jokes made by Dot and Nige during the first series, hardly stuff you want to hear but unfortunately it’s true to life. Being used to that sense of humour meant that Kate didn’t see much wrong with what she said until after she notices that Jo closes herself off: 

“Whatever you’ve heard Kate, it’s wrong. Farida’s a liar. That’s not me.”

“Okay.” 

Kate knows it’s a lie but doesn’t push it. Her obvious confusion is pointed out when Jo leaves the room: 

I can’t tell you what’s going on in Kate’s head but it’s probably a mixture of wondering why Jo had gone so cold on her suddenly, if she had said anything wrong and if everything that has happened between them in the past three episodes has been all in her head? 

But what happens in this scene and what is spoken about isn’t necessarily subtext. Okay they don’t actually say the word ‘lesbian’ or ‘bisexual’ it’s more alluded to. But this is a very obvious and deliberate conversation about Jo’s sexuality/Kate trying to figure out her own and wanting confirmation from Jo that she hasn’t just been imagining it. It’s done on purpose because they’re setting Kate and Jo up to go on that route - and once again, this is what makes it so annoying that they did get dropped to subtext by E7. They had painted a very clear picture in the first couple of episodes - Kate and Jo are falling in love with each other, it’s a doomed love story but it’s still a love story. 

Despite Jo being hurt by Kate’s not very well thought-out joke, she still carries a lot of trust in Kate by the fact she leaves her belongings on her seat. This seems minimal and unimportant but it rules out the idea that Kate was asking about Jo’s relationship with Farida for more information, from a case POV. If she had been and if she was interested in finding out if Jo really was as bent as AC-12 are making out then she would’ve seized that opportunity to take a look through Jo’s bag (we see her debate that opportunity when Tony leaves his phone behind after their drink at the pub in S1, but before she has chance to he’s already noticed he’s forgotten it and takes it back). But Kate is too busy wondering why Jo had lied to her, once again showing that she’s interested in Jo from a relationship standpoint. 

One thing I do love though and just from this alone we know that Kate and Jo are genuine is the fact that they bond over their hatred for Ian ‘what a twat’ Buckells: 

“I hope he’s going to give credit where it’s due.” 

“How do you mean?” 

“You brought Ryan onto the team, boss.”

“Not me. That was Buckells’ idea.”

I’m not going to underestimate Kate in this moment however because she does pull a very clever move. She doesn’t ask outright but she is able to get an answer to a question she might have been asking. Steve made a dig earlier on in the episode about how Jo may have employed Ryan onto MIT herself, allowing Ryan to interfere with the Gail Vella files. Kate doesn’t play up to that accusation but you can see that she keeps in mind, she doesn’t want to believe that Jo picked Ryan on purpose but there is always the chance that she has. So, she uses this opportunity to find out if that was the case. Knowing now that it wasn’t, she’s reassured and she feels more confident in defending Jo as we see in later episodes. 

And as previously discussed, Kate starts looking into Buckells after Jo’s quip about the Masonic Lodge. And once she gets all the information she needed she then takes it to Jo and we get this line: 

“I knew you’d come through for me.” 

There’s a perspective change, we’ve seen before how Kate actively pushes how she will be able to do something for someone in order to gain their trust, “I’ll make it disappear,” in S1 and once again, telling Lindsay that she’ll say she was there that night of the ‘alleged’ attack on Lindsay’s neighbour. But she doesn’t investigate Buckells on Jo’s behalf, or because she wants to gain Jo’s trust. It’s quite ironic really isn’t it? She’s always tried to gain trust from these ‘bent coppers’ by offering to cover their crimes - which they never take her up on to be honest - and then the one time she does something off her own back and without any of those intentions, she does - sort of - cover for a ‘bent copper.’ But as we know, Buckells does end up being bent so Kate wasn’t in the wrong to look into him, just a shame they never clicked on to his deeper corruption sooner. 

And then Jo follows up with the line: 

“I needed someone on my team I could trust completely. Someone with no chance of being bent. Who better than an ex-anticorruption officer?” 

Oh if Kate only knew the deeper meaning of that line at the time. But in the same way as The Mason dig Jo makes, this is confirmation to Kate that Jo isn’t bent and AC-12 have got it wrong. If Jo was bent, why would she encourage Kate to flush out the corruption? 

It isn’t until Episode 4 where we actually learn more about Kate’s reasonings for leaving AC-12 and it comes at no surprise that it is due to Ted’s indiscretions during S5. But what is surprising about Ted and Kate’s conversation is that Kate doesn’t hide her true feelings and tells Ted the truth: 

“You made your choice to move on, and I know that the disciplinary action against me was definitely a factor. It put you and Steve in a really difficult position.” 

“Yeah, I’m not going to lie.”  

But considering that Kate isn’t all that shy being honest in front of Ted it’s not that surprising. But given it is a tender, emotional topic for Kate I suppose you’d normally expect her to hide away her feelings but it’s quite nice that she doesn’t. She wants Ted to know that she hasn’t totally forgiven him for what he’s ‘alleged’ (at the time) to have done. 

And then we get the conversation between Kate and Steve and we get Kate’s second defence of Jo. And this time it is said with more confidence because she’s witnessed key moments first hand that have confirmed to her that Jo couldn’t be bent: 

“Without Jo we wouldn’t have got Buckells. Look, you haven’t seen the change in her I have. Now that Buckells is off her back, she’s on the Vella case 100 percent.” 

Typical love is blind moment there, ‘you don’t know them like I do.’ And the fact that she mentions that Buckells has been on Jo’s back for most of the case, is pulling it back to my previous mention of how Kate witnessing the argument between Buckells and Jo is so important - she’s now using it as an excuse to Steve about why Jo may have been lacking in her investigation into Gail Vella’s murder. 

(Just want to drop in and check that you’ve had drink or something, this is about halfway through I think so...continue).

Later on in the episode she’s seen defending Jo again: 

“He’s watching her.”

“Or meeting with her.”

“You got evidence of that?” 

We know why Kate is so defensive, she’s falling in love with Jo and she trusts her completely. But even still, it’s very interesting since she has never defended anyone quite so fiercely - at least not in private to Ted and Steve. 

In S1E5 Steve and Kate have this conversation about Tony Gates: 

“He didn’t kill her.”

“No?” 

It’s short and simple but enough to prove that no matter how much it appeared on the surface that Kate liked Tony it was all faked and she didn’t trust him in the slightest, going as far to say that he was capable of murder. 

We also see in this scene that Steve grows suspicious of Kate’s closeness to Jo (or at least that’s what it appeared to look like at the time and maybe if Kate and Jo’s relationship was acknowledged by Steve then this moment would’ve made more sense): 

There is also another paralleling conversation that Kate and Steve could’ve had in S6 from S1. And once again, this is in reference to Kate’s relationship with Tony: 

“Something happened between you two.” 

“Like what?” 

“Nothing, forget it.”

“What do you want to know?”

“I shouldn’t have asked, it’s private.”

“Yeah, it is.” 

It’s very interesting that all the ‘moments’ between Kate and Tony were all faked on the basis of Kate wanting information between him but because of one comment from Nigel, Steve decided to pull Kate up on that accusation. Yet in S6, despite appearing suspicious of Kate and Jo’s relationship he never once brought it up? You could argue that Steve knows Kate better than anyone and he has learnt not to push her on those topics because she will just tell him to piss off, but, how many times has Kate slated Steve for getting involved with witnesses/suspects? That would’ve been Steve’s perfect opportunity to tear a strip off Kate and say that she is no angel and she’s not protected from falling in love with the wrong people. But alas Jed Mercurio would rather have focused on a straight relationship where one half only appeared in a handful of scenes <3

But back to the ‘You got evidence of that?’ Moment before I get too annoyed, the fact that Kate wants to reveal to Jo about Ryan’s movements is very telling. She wants to protect Jo and she genuinely believes that Jo is a good person/isn’t bent. We see that this trust runs even deeper when she goes ahead and tells Jo anyway despite Ted telling her not to - but she’s clever enough to not mention any collusion she has with AC-12.

“I need to talk to you in private.”

“Something wrong?”

“It’s not personal. It’s work.”

This is the first use of the word ‘personal’ from Kate and the fact she feels the need to state that what she wants to talk to Jo about isn’t to do with them and their relationship is…interesting. A few people have pointed about how the use of personal within Line of Duty could be argued to allude to relationships/love interests - Farida left for ‘personal reasons’ after all - for Kate to use it here and to make that separation between personal and professional shows that Kate and Jo’s relationship runs deeper than being just colleagues. We know that already from how they’ve acted around each other but now we’ve had it explicitly confirmed. 

Ironically though, this is the moment Jo starts taking a step back from Kate in order to protect her. She now knows that Ryan is watching her and if Ryan is watching her then he will be able to see what’s forming between herself and Kate and that puts Kate at the centre of danger. Look what happened to Farida, she was in a relationship with Jo and then she ended up in prison. Worse could’ve happened but Jo did what she could to protect Farida - she used harsh words to hurt Farida and push her away (a similar tactic used by Tony Gates to his wife), but because Farida kept pushing and ended up ratting on Jo, Jo had to take drastic action by planting those burner phones. 

And now it’s happening to Kate but she knows that Kate isn’t Farida and she won’t cave as easily - as we go on to see later on. 

That being said, Kate does give Jo a confidence boost. She tries to get rid of Ryan. But Kate’s support isn’t enough, it’s too late for Jo. But just the fact that one word from Kate gives her enough to stand up goes to show how much Jo has come to rely on Kate and how much she trusts her. 

But as we know, Jo gets threatened by Ryan so Jo does the only thing she knows how to do and that’s to push Kate away. 

She tells Kate to drop her issues with Ryan otherwise she’ll request a transfer for Kate. Kate mouths the word ‘ma’am’ completely unable to use her voice. She’s annoyed and evidently so. But she isn’t just annoyed at the fact Jo has told her that she would get rid of her if it came down to it. She’s annoyed because, in her eyes, Jo doesn’t know the danger she’s putting herself in by keeping Ryan on the team. (Of course we know that Jo knows Ryan and his connections but Kate doesn’t, she’s been defending Jo to high heaven and truly believes that Jo is innocent). Kate has seen firsthand the sorts of things Ryan has been involved in - she doesn’t learn just how much he’s involved until later on but she did see some of things he got up to as a kid and knows that he could be just as dangerous now as he was then. 

You could argue that she’s also annoyed at the fact that she went against AC-12 and people she inherently trusts in order to protect Jo and now she’s just got that thrown back in her face.

And then we move on to the big episodes. What happened at the end of E4 clearly created a rift between Kate and Jo, we see Kate trying to pull Jo to one side but gets rejected, and she’s hurt by that.  

Kate expresses her hurt to AC-12 in the following scene: 

“Jo’s become cold and distant towards me, I don’t know what’s going on in the background.” 

Shows that there’s a distance between them now but Kate is still sympathetic towards her. She doesn’t like that Jo is pushing her out and I think this is when it really starts to click for Kate that something isn’t right. She gets those suspicions evidently confirmed when Steve reveals that Jo’s DNA was found at Farida’s house and henceforth that she’s related to Tommy Hunter. (Also the fact that Kate is using ‘Jo’ here and not ‘Davidson’ as you would expect her to reveals her personal relationship with Jo).

Despite that distance, Kate is still defensive of Jo and still trusts her: 

“You’ve put Jo under surveillance, why?” 

���Our in-depth forensic examination of Farida Jatri’s home detected Davidson’s DNA.”   

Her face the moment she finds out that Jo lied to her about her relationship with Farida is heartbreaking but I think the fact that we see Chloe and Ted’s reaction to this also, is so important. They’re very clearly aware of the feelings between Kate and Jo even if it is never said, and we’re back to being annoyed that Kate and Jo’s relationship wasn’t acknowledged in E7. Everyone was aware of it so why wasn’t it mentioned?!

“Davidson’s DNA is a partial match for Tommy Hunter.” 

…

“I know, from Steve, that you’ve formed the view that Davidson isn’t bent, Kate. But I’m sorry, it appears that she’s pulled the wool over your eyes.” 

And then there’s the explicit confirmation that Steve is aware of Kate’s feelings towards Jo.  

She’s just been bombarded with a lot of information, information that goes against everything that she has believed in/defended for the past couple of episodes. She’s conflicted and doesn’t know what to think. Kate Fleming, who is usually calm and collected and in control of her emotions is now finding herself caught in a moment that she usually isn’t in. And now she’s wondering why she couldn’t see it, why she couldn’t see that something wasn’t right. She’s usually so sharp, quick to pick up on corruption - she spotted Dots pretty early on. But she knows, deep down, she knows and I think that scares her more. 

Kate has always pulled Steve up on his lack of integrity, for getting himself stuck in situations that would cloud his vision and now suddenly the tables have turned. It’s her getting in that situation. It’s her having her vision blurred because of her relationship with someone and she doesn’t know what to do. 

That being said, her trust in Jo is still very much there. It’s why she formulates the plan. She wants to prove that Steve and AC-12 are wrong about Jo, that just because she’s related to the OCG overlord doesn’t mean that she herself is corrupt. But she also needs to prove it to herself, she needs to know that she didn’t get it wrong. That she didn’t let a corrupt officer slip through her fingers because she fell in love. She’s an ex-anticorruption officer, she should be able to spot when a police officer is bent, more so than anyone else. 

She later reveals what her plan had been to prove Jo’s innocence to Ted and Steve, she wants to shout it from the rooftops that she was right about Jo and they were wrong: 

“Only one site was disclosed to MIT officers. However, I took the decision to inform DSU Davidson of all three possible sites.” 

“It’s a big call, Kate.” 

“Well, I believed it paid off, sir. You said yourself the information on Jo’s family history strongly suggests she’s colluding with organised crime, but that doesn’t fit with what I’ve seen first hand. We needed to know one way or another. She had plenty of time to tip off the OCG and she didn’t. As far as I’m concerned that’s proof she isn’t bent.” 

It’s the fourth defence of Jo and is said with even more confidence because now she has evidence to back it up. She knows for definite that Jo isn’t bent and her conscience had been appeased; she didn’t get it wrong.  

And even after all that, after everything Kate does, Ted still hits her with the “Steve’s right, Kate.” She’s undermined yet again. She wants Ted and Steve to trust and like Jo as much as she does because she loves Jo. 

And then we get another hostile scene between Kate and Jo but Kate is still trying to let Jo know that she is on her side, that she has her back, that she has spent months defending Jo’s arse to AC-12 and Steve: 

“I’m telling you the truth, Jo, because I trust you with it.” 

Jo fires back by telling Kate to request a transfer but this has come after a warning look from Ryan. Jo knows what’s going to happen next and she wants to get Kate out of the way before she’s asked the unforgivable, she evens mentions that AC-12 would take her back in the hopes that that would be enough to turn Kate. 

“You’ve been distant with me for days, is this personal?” 

“I’m your senior officer, I should be distant.” 

“I thought we were friends, what’s happening here?”

“So you can tell AC-12?”

“No, I wouldn’t tell them personal stuff.”

And there’s the ‘personal’ again, twice. They’re talking about their relationship, Kate is making it about their relationship. She’s trying to tell Jo that the reason she trusts her so much is because she loves her and that’s something she wouldn’t tell AC-12 because it doesn’t concern them. 

“And as for requesting a transfer, I respectfully decline. I’m not leaving.”  

That is very much in character for Kate, sticking to her true stubborn self there. But she’s angry at Jo because she won’t let Kate help her. Jo is angry because Kate doesn’t realise the danger she’s putting herself in - a nice parallel to the other conversation they shared where the roles are reversed and Jo was trying to help Kate by getting her to drop the subject of Ryan and Kate was annoyed because Jo was blind to the danger she was in. 

Kate’s ‘I’m not leaving,’ does have much more meaning to it than we first realise however. After shooting Ryan, she runs off with Jo - she has no reason to, she was lawfully carrying a firearm and serving her duty as an officer. But she gives Jo the chance to tell her everything, she doesn’t leave her side and does everything she can to protect Jo i.e the car chase scene. She takes Jo’s side despite everything and sticks to her words of ‘I’m not leaving.’

Later on, Jo manipulates Kate, playing on the one thing Kate wants to address, “The personal issues we discussed,” she knows that’s the only way Kate will come out with her (at least, that’s what she thinks). Kate is desperate to explore whatever is going on between them and Jo plays on that.  

And judging by Kate’s hopeful face, it seems to do the trick. Kate’s hopeful face being that she thinks Jo might actually open up to her and tell her the truth, and invite Kate into whatever is going on in her life/head. Poor Kate.  

She knows deep down that something isn’t right but she goes along with it because she trusts Jo so much and I think she truly believes that she’s gotten through to her. 

There is a dilemma going on within Kate here, she wants to trust Jo but knows deep down she can’t because of the AC-12 officer that is embedded in her (Ted’s ‘That’s my officer out there,’ coming into play here). She keeps the gun on her person which shows despite her constant defence, she’s still suspicious. However, she doesn’t phone Steve until after she’s arrived at the address showing that the trust for Jo is still there. Obviously that changes when she realises that the location is dodgier than she probably first thought. 

“Let’s not hang around here Jo, we’d rather be inside with a glass of wine.”

Sticking to her character once again here, trying to be hopeful, trying to be right about Jo’s character. 

“Jo wanted to give you a way out.” 

This line from Ryan is crucial for Kate’s trust in Jo. It may get lost amongst the other, more pressing events, but even just hearing first that Jo tried to save her probably brings her some reassurance in the long run. From this line alone she knows that Jo never intended to kill her and was coerced into setting the scene up. 

“I’ve done my bit. I don’t have to stay here and watch.” 

Jo was only told to ‘get rid’ of Kate. She was never told to kill her. She was the one to entrap Kate but she was never going to be the one to kill her, that was on Ryan. This is another crucial moment adding to the reason why Kate would run away with Jo and give her the chance to talk. 

E6 opens up with Kate being her typical self and taking control of the situation. But even so, she’s struggling. As I’ve mentioned a lot throughout this, Kate is normally calm and collected, she very rarely lets her emotions get in the way of what she wants to do. But there’s no room for her to hide from her emotions here, she hasn’t had the time to compartmentalise them, she hasn’t had the time to process and understand them. And that unsettles her, she wants to take control - and she does as best as she can - but she’s faltering. The person who she loves has just lured her to her death and she doesn’t know what to do with that information.

“You lured me there to be murdered.” 

Confirms that she knows that Jo wasn’t going to be the one that actually murdered her, just that she was the one to lure her. 

“Kate.”

“Didn’t you?”

She cuts Jo off, she’s angry and understandably so. But because she hasn’t had time to process her emotions she isn’t being as cool as she normally would be in a high-stress situation.  

She is really struggling and it’s understandable of course. And then we have that scene:

“I always worried you were pretending.” 

“Pretending?” 

“You know what I mean…to lure me into trusting you.” 

Kate’s ‘pretending?’ Is more offence at the fact Jo felt she had to suggest it - Kate was far from pretending, her behaviour across the series is enough to prove that she is in love with Jo. I also think it’s to do with the fact that Jo had the audacity to ask the question now, of all situations to bring up the topic, Jo could’ve picked a better moment. But Jo doesn’t let up, using Kate’s preferred tactic of getting information out of people:

“You still won’t answer, were you lying to me Kate?”

“This is about you Jo, not me.” 

Deflecting the question that she has every right to deflect, given the circumstances. But she neither confirms nor denies said question - she’s trying to keep control of the situation, she’s trying not to let her emotions get in the way of what she needs to do. She needs to find out the truth, she needs Jo to tell her everything before the law inevitably catches up with them. 

She turns the question back to Jo, asking if she was the one lying, that maybe she didn’t want Kate on the team at all. She then goes on to reveal that she knows Jo lied about her relationship with Farida. It’s coming from a place of anger and frustration and like I said, Kate is well within her rights to feel like that.  

Then we have Kate doing something surprising, she drives away as she hears police sirens. I’ve been trying to place why she was so determined to keep Jo away from the police, to give Jo that chance to explain herself but then all of a sudden, Kate hanging the phone up on Carmichael made it all make sense. 

The moment Steve told Kate that the observations on Jo and Ryan had been pulled as a result of Osbourne and Carmichael, she knew that something bigger was at play here. If Osbourne is the real H/The Fourth Man (extremely bloody likely) and Buckells was just the messenger, then it’s fair to say that it was actually Osbourne who ordered Kate’s death. And if that is the case then it makes sense he would pull the observations off, meaning that there would be no witnesses to the murder. But Kate’s not a stupid woman, she’s worked for AC-12 for God knows how long and she’s been part of the investigation into H/The Fourth man for just as long. She knows it’s someone higher up in the force and that information from Steve told her that something was going to happen at the meeting. 

But upon hearing that Jo tried to give her a way out, she knows that she can trust Jo, that she is just another pawn in this sick game, that she’s vulnerable and in need of protecting/saving. She must guess pretty early on, that it is The Fourth Man that is manipulating Jo and she knows that Jo isn’t going to reveal that in an interview, especially if it is someone high up. So that’s why she takes Jo out of the situation, that’s why she sacrifices her credibility and her integrity, as Ted said Ryan is a ‘sprat’ - he’s not important - she can get more information about the top man from Jo. Kate gives Jo that chance to talk and to prove herself before she is silenced by Osbourne and Carmichael. It helps that Jo trusts Kate and wants to tell Kate the truth. 

And then we have the emotion, oh the emotion:

“Jesus Christ, Steve’s in on it.”

She’s lost control of the situation, she’s lost control of her emotions and everything has just come tumbling down on her. And for a brief moment she feels as though everyone has turned on her: Jo, Steve, Ted, everyone she trusts most in the world and she can’t bear it. I can’t even begin to imagine how utterly alone she must’ve felt in that moment.  

“You bastard, Steve!”

“Stay there, Kate.”

…

“You gave me up! You told them!”

“Kate, I give you my word, I didn’t.”

“That’s bullshit.”  

“I promise you, I’ll get you to safety. Both of you.”

Kate doesn’t comply until after she’s assured that Steve will protect both her and Jo - shows that despite everything she still has a loyalty to Jo and she still wants to protect her. Despite what’s happened she can see that Jo is vulnerable and has been used her entire life, she gets that impression just from the little bit that Jo reveals to her. She feels for Jo, sort of in the same way she felt for Dot but this is on a much deeper level and to be fair, Dot did worse things than Jo. Kate might be an expert at compartmentalising her emotions but she still has a heart - we see it in glimpses across the whole show but it comes in tenfolds where Jo is concerned, as a result of how they’ve been set up. As much as she’s angry and upset and how much she feels betrayed by Jo, Kate still wants her to be safe and protected. Kate knows that Jo has been trying to get out of the clutches of the OCG i.e employing Kate in the first place. Jo holding the gun and taking the blame gives Kate enough assurance that Jo is being true to her word when she says she wanted out/didn’t want to kill Kate. That’s why she wants Jo safe, because she believes in her. 

Being put in that cell on her own now gives Kate the chance to compartmentalise her emotions, she has time to think over the events of the night. She has time to think about her feelings for Jo, the love, the loss, the betrayal. We see that this works, later on when Patricia tells her that Jo had taken the blame for Ryan’s death.   

She’s back to her usual stoic self, emotions cut off. She can’t allow herself to react about what Patricia has told her because it would give too much away, if she reacted then it would make it even more obvious that Jo wasn’t the one who shot Ryan. She can’t even show that she’s relieved or grateful that Jo had taken such sacrifice for her/kept to her word. 

“Are you sure you’re okay? I know nobody’s coming after you over Ryan Pilkington’s shooting, but if you ever need to talk about it.” 

That is not the face of someone who is fine. She’s very clearly trying desperately to push her emotions down, put them to one side because she has a job to do. Jo has given her this chance to solve the case and she sure as hell isn’t going to let her down. 

“Did she say anything about her family history? She told me her dad was a police officer.” 

“No. Never even gave us that much.” 

Proving my earlier point that Jo inherently trusts Kate and was willing to give her more details before they were interrupted. 

“She’s scared, Steve. After what happened to Tommy, Dot, Lakewell, never mind John Corbett.”

“That’s why we’ve got her on the VPU at Brentiss, security cameras monitoring access to her cell.” 

Even now, after everything Jo put her through, Kate is still defending her. She still has Jo’s back and it just makes it even more annoying that Steve doesn’t bring up the Jo conversation to Kate. He has seen Kate defend her this whole series, he knows that Jo lured Kate to her death and now he’s there, listening to Kate defending Jo and worrying over the fact that she’s scared and vulnerable. I know at this point there’s a sense of trust between Jo and Steve (as a result of Kate) and Steve is much more aware of the situation Jo has been in her whole life, he does feel for her and understands Kate’s defence of her. But the fact that he’s not even suspicious of how Kate’s opinion hasn’t changed despite learning of Jo’s collusion with the OCG and almost being killed, just highlights how Jed was so quick to drop Kate’s development, pushing it to the side for the sake of making a political point. 

And here comes the complete reversal of all the development Kate has had across this series, and more to the point, the memory loss she seems to go through. 

“The stuff he’s hiding. I never thought I’d look at the gaffer like this.” 

But she did? In S5 when they were only suspecting that Ted may have ratted John Corbett out to the OCG. She was willing to report it, that was how much she believed it. And now she’s acting as if that never happened? 

“Maybe we should let sleeping dogs lie.” 

“Come off it Steve. How many times have we criticised coppers that’ve took retirement to dodge disciplinary action?”

It’s a valid point and strengthens my previous mention of how she might be the ‘straightest’ out of all three of them. She is the embodiment of AC-12, truth and integrity - or at least she likes to believe that she is. Kate often sits in a place of judgement and thinks of herself as an innocent being that could do no wrong. This is hardly the case, she has made plenty of mistakes and although she hasn’t got herself into the vast number of predicaments that Steve has found himself in, she isn’t exactly free from this sense of ‘corruption.’ It does get pointed out to her on two occasions, the first from Richard Akers, “Holier than thou doesn’t suit you Kate,” and the second from Roz Huntley, “Hardly holier than thou.” 

The fact it’s mentioned twice and is very much the same quote shows that this attitude Kate upholds, is a part of her character. And we see it again with this moment: 

“She’s got a right to know what happened to her husband.” 

“Maybe she already does. She might be blackmailing the gaffer.” 

“Steph? No.” 

“You seem pretty sure…what?” 

“We’ve become…”

“Oh for Christ’s sake, Steve.” 

Before I get into the main issue, I think it’s made pretty obvious in this scene that Jo isn’t the only one Kate is being cold towards, it’s everyone. She’s coming across as very cynical and unsympathetic. But you could argue that this is Kate, she’s almost the stereotypical ice-queen who has no emotions and doesn’t care who she hurts which, if this was pre-S6 Kate I would say is very much in character. 

But this isn’t pre-S6 Kate. S6 has shown the more emotional side to Kate, it’s seen her with her walls broken down, she’s opened up, fallen in love. And I know the events of the previous episode would be enough for her to put those walls up again but surely, if you are going to go to the effort of developing a character you could at least show the change that this development has had on her? 

I would’ve fully expected her to shrink away after what happened, I think that’s a completely normal reaction, even more so where Kate is involved. But given how she has gone through things in this series that she hasn’t gone through before, I would expect a different reaction from her? More emotional or more obvious that she’s trying to hold herself together. But I don’t see that, I just see her back as her S1-5, AC-12 self. 

It’s so hard because it makes total sense for Kate to revert back to her old self, she’s been burned and she’s hurting. But like I said, if she’s gone through this development over the course of S6, it’s set up in a way to make you think that she’s not going to handle this situation as she normally would but she ends up doing exactly that - any development Jed has put her through has now been reversed. 

But my main issue with this scene between Kate and Steve brings me back to my earlier point. Steve is shown to be aware of the possible thing that’s happening between Kate and Jo - little looks when Kate is defending Jo, the fact that Ted mentioned how Steve had been talking to him about Kate’s trust for Jo. 

Now Kate, throughout the entirety of show, has consistently berated Steve on his lack of control when it comes to women. She has torn a strip off him at every opportunity, when the situation with Lindsay occurred, she was so unbelievably angry and annoyed with him, that he had just quite possibly ruined the entire case because “Steve can’t keep it in his pants,” (thank you Lindsay Denton for summarising that up perfectly). 

This would’ve been the PERFECT opportunity for Steve to turn it back around on Kate. He’s aware of the situation and he would finally be able to pull Kate up on something that he is known for doing and something Kate never stops short to criticise him on. He could’ve taken that opportunity to humble Kate and make her aware of the fact that she’s not innocent and she’s certainly not free from falling/being interested/getting involved with the wrong person. A simple “What and Jo’s different?” From Steve would’ve sufficed. We don’t even need a verbal reaction from Kate, just a look that one, would’ve acknowledged Kate and Jo’s relationship and two, would’ve put Kate in her place and make her realise that she should be the last person to pass judgment on Steve since she has now found herself in a very similar position.

What’s more, and I have mentioned this before and it’s what makes E7 so frustrating, Kate and Jo have been constantly paralleled to Steph and Steve throughout the series, all the romantic scenes, alluding to relationships bubbling for our two main characters. So that scene is where I would expect the parallel to occur again but it doesn’t? And I just have to ask, why on earth would you parallel these relationships, show their romantic scenes side by side, have their development evolve in similar ways just to then only focus on one relationship? 

Okay the possibility of a relationship occurring between Kate and Jo went out of the window the moment we knew Jo was colluding with the OCG but Jed still took the time to explore it, to delve into it. So for it to not even be mentioned or acknowledged, I just think, why waste our time if it’s going to end up not being relevant? I mean the fact that a heterosexual relationship where one half got barely any screen time took precedence and verbal acknowledgment (aka not subtext) over a queer relationship occurring between two of the main characters of the series? I don’t even need to say it. 

But if subtext was all we’re going to get for Kate and Jo in E7 then I’ll just get back to analysing and reading between the lines because Jed can’t stick to and acknowledge storylines that he has spent the entire series building up and I need to make sense of it for some peace of mind. 

I’m going to call this outfit the ‘Proving Jo Davidson is innocent’ outfit since Kate wears it when she hatches her plan to prove just that and again, when she’s gathering evidence that would mean Jo would be able to get witness protection.   

I promise you that these are separate scenes but honestly the fact that we have the same shot with Kate sitting in the same place, from the same angle only just emphasises my point even more. This was Kate on her proving Jo is innocent mission that she never let slip. Her goal hasn’t changed since E5, but perhaps now she is even more determined because she now knows that it’s what Jo wants. Jo got Kate on the team for a reason and now that is what Kate is doing. 

And because I’ve *briefly* touched on the fact that Kate/Jo are always paralleled to Steve/Steph I think it’s only right that I point out how in both of the scenes shown above, there is a Steve/Steph scene paralleled to it, either before or after. Both the Steve/Steph scenes taking place in Steve’s car with Steph on the phone/over voicemail with the scenes showing that Steve is unsure about his relationship with Steph - which you could argue is the exact opposite to Kate and Jo. Kate might be unsure of her feelings and how deep they go but she is sure of one thing and that Jo is innocent and will do everything she can to prove it. 

We go on to next to see AC-12 discussing new messages that have come through entailing The Fourth Man’s plans for Jo. Kate refers to her as “Davidson” a stark contrast to how she has previously referred to her in the presence of Steve and Ted but this is most likely to do with the fact that has had to cut her feelings off for the sake of saving Jo so she is trying to make it as impersonal as possible. 

I won’t even talk about how easy it could’ve been to include a scene between Kate and Jo in that ambush scene. Before or even after, if Jed wanted to keep that element of surprise that AC-12 had managed to intercept before the ambush could take place. A simple moment where Kate went into the van and said “You alright?” would’ve sufficed. 

“You’re safe now Jo.”

“Thank you.”

“I mean really safe. To apply for witness protection. All my notes, all my records will show that you acted under the control and coercion of others. You can live the life you should’ve lived. Be free to be the person that you really are.” 

I have spoken about this before but will briefly go into it again. ‘The person’ that Kate is referring to is the person Kate has been defending for this whole series. Kate was the only person to see through Jo’s walls and glimpse the person that existed outside of the clutches of the OCG. Jo could be herself around Kate, probably felt liberated and had moments where she realised that Kate is something she could’ve had if she wasn’t stuck in that life, so it’s only right that Kate was the one to set her free - even if it’s at the expense of her own feelings but we’ll get into that now.

Although Kate is coming across as ‘cold’ during this scene, she isn’t unsympathetic. Everything she is saying to Jo is coming from a compassionate place. It’s vastly different from the previous scenes shared by Kate and Jo so it feels more harsh but Kate is having to cut her feelings off to provide the protection for Jo and to henceforth save her. She still cares deeply for Jo but she’s not allowed to show that, and it’s more for her own sake than anything. 

If Kate allows herself, for even a moment, to let that emotion escape then it’s all going to come out. Everything she has have ever felt for Jo will be free and then she won’t be able to let Jo go because then it will be even harder. She can’t let herself come to terms over what she feels for Jo because she has to set Jo free, she can’t be selfish, it’s either her feelings or it’s Jo’s freedom. And considering she has spent so long defending Jo it’s obvious what option she favours. 

Then she gets straight back to the point, not allowing her facade to drop:

“If you tell us who the top man is.” 

Now remember how I said to remember Roz’s quote because it will be important later? Here’s why it’s important, “You’d give up anything to get to the top.” ‘Top’ in the context of Roz and Kate’s conversation is referring to Kate wanting to better her career but ‘Top’ could also refer to the fact that Kate, along with AC-12, have spent years digging into institutionalised corruption to find out who the orchestrator behind it all is, and now she’s so close to finding out who the ‘top’ man is, because of Jo. 

You could argue that this idea completely reverses the points I’ve just made and offers the alternative that Kate only cut her emotions off in order to get to the top - which is what Roz’s quote alludes to. But I do think that both standpoints can coincide with one another. She cuts her feelings off for Jo so she can save her, but because she has had to do that, that makes her able to dig for information and solve the case and hence find out who the top man is. 

And therein is the last scene that Kate and Jo share and to quote Kate Fleming on this one “Thanks for making me feel like shit.”   

But Kate’s story isn’t over just yet so we will continue. 

“Sir, during an unlawful search an item was found that relates to the sum of £50,000. You’re not under caution so anything you say to us at this time can’t be used in evidence. That’s loyalty right there.”

I know she’s having a dig at Ted’s previous comment about loyalty to Steve whilst he simultaneously reveals Steve’s issues from across the series to Kate, but I also like to think it’s a dig at the fact that despite Ted continuously undermining Kate, she has still stuck by him and still fought his corner - to an extent. But the fact she does stand up to Ted and isn’t afraid to do so is something I have to give her, she is staying very true to her character there. 

I think this has been pointed out before and although it probably is a reach but this is Kate’s reaction after Ted says “…of a woman I cared deeply about…” 

I do think that this is a moment where we’re meant to assume that Kate could be thinking about Jo as a result of Ted’s words. The focus is on Kate’s reactions rather than Steve’s so I think it’s a fair assumption/association to make and it’s not out of the realms of possibilities. 

“If I decide to come back.”

“Will you?”

“Well someone’s got to keep you lot in line.” 

She just can’t stay away from it, no matter how hard she tries. AC-12 will always pull her back. 

“You don’t realise what you’ve got until it’s gone.”

It’s a loaded statement from Kate and comes with many meanings to it, her missing AC-12 ( to an extent) and wanting back in, her missing her friendship with Steve and now losing Jo without having the chance to tell her how she really feels/that she wasn’t pretending. 

“You just going to stick to the one drink?”

“Why do you ask?”

“Still early enough to drive up to Liverpool.” 

“I’m not sure it’s a good idea to keep seeing Steph.”

“But you want to?”

“Yeah. But what chance has it got?”

“You wanna be careful mate, you’re going to end up on your own.”

Having to read between the lines here again but Kate is encouraging Steve to go for Steph because she can’t go for Jo. It makes sense when you consider how much those two relationships have been paralleled against each other, one was doomed from the beginning but at least the other has a chance to *be* something. And this conversation could’ve been spun differently to acknowledge Kate and Jo’s relationship also:

“But what chance has it got?”

“More chance than me and Jo.”

It’s really that simple. I’m fine with subtext, it works sometimes. Not everything has to be said. But across the whole series Kate and Jo have been everything but. Everything that has happened between them has been obvious and deliberate. So the fact it got dropped to subtext in the last episode doesn’t make sense? If their relationship from the beginning had been pure subtext then fine it works, but like I said, it hasn’t. Kate and Jo’s relationship needed to be addressed and acknowledged, otherwise why the set up if you’re never going to bring it up properly? 

Okay, you can argue that it dropping to subtext and having to read between the lines is a representation for how Kate is having to suppress her feelings for Jo but your audience deserve better than that Jed. And not to sound like a stuck record but you don’t have your character go through massive development for her just to end up as the exact same person she was before she went through said development. She has to change, even if it’s just a little bit. No one stays the same after what Kate has been through. 

 Which brings us to the therapy scene. 

“Me and my partner are separated.” 

I have also already spoken about the vagueness of this line so won’t go into it too much but, subtext again, she could also be referring to Jo. I would just like to point out as well that music that underplays the moment in which she talks about Steve is very different to the music that underplays the date scenes between Kate and Jo and the scenes between Steph and Steve so you could say that that rules out any allusion to a possible romance between Kate and Steve (and honestly thank God because there’s more sexual tension between two planks of wood than there are between Kate and Steve and if they EVER went down that route, another type of anger would escape my body because, just let women and men be friends without it being a *thing* please).

She looks so washed out and unhappy in this scene - a striking comparison to how she looked during E2. 

She looks drained but it’s understandable considering that this is the first time that’s properly opened up and given way to accepting her emotions and feelings - even if she isn’t addressing the elephant in the room. So, you could argue that this scene is that small change we have from Kate as a result of her development from across the series. But given that this scene, at a push, lasts 30 seconds, it’s not enough. I’m not expecting a half an hour scene of Kate opening up about everything but something a bit more than a nod to her kid and husband that she has only mentioned once throughout the entire series - along with a couple of text messages in the first episode. It just felt as though this scene was chucked in because they couldn’t show Steve going to therapy without showing Kate going as well, considering that they’ve both been through similar ordeals. 

But I’ll take it because it’s still part of Kate’s development, in a sense.

Digging into it more, it’s very obvious that Kate has lost the happiness we seen her with at the beginning of the series, she’s lost her warmth - a warmth that was depicted via Jo through clothing and scenes they shared together. There is a warm light in that scene but it’s situated behind Kate, a visual representation of how Jo is in her past now and how the loss of warmth in her life has left her cold and miserable - which further explains how she comes across in this episode. 

I’m going to return my earlier point of Kate not necessarily being happy at AC-12 here. I’ve mentioned throughout how Kate is AC-12 through and through and she will never truly escape it. She goes back to AC-12 in the end because it’s her home, it’s where she feels safe and comfortable but that doesn’t mean to say it makes her happy. And I think the fact that when we see her at the end of this episode and we see that she is the most unhappy she has been this entire series, it’s meant to signify that (and like I mentioned before, there were a few moments throughout S5 & S6 that emphasise how she might feel that undercover work/being in anti-corruption might just not be for her anymore). 

Kate set Jo free from the OCG but who’s going to set Kate free from AC-12? Jo did for some time, made Kate realise the life she could have outside of anti-corruption but that got ripped away from her and now she’s gone back to them, tail between her legs and probably feeling even worse than she had when she left in the first place.

Questions I wanted to address throughout this piece, is Kate Fleming a master manipulator?

Yes, to an extent. She knows how to use people and their feelings to her advantage. She knows how to get information out of people, we have seen that time and time again across the show, but it’s only ever under the guise of being a UCO and half the time I don’t think she enjoys it all that much (as we see in S5 with her allusions to that there). Outside of being undercover Kate is a genuine person, we see that via the connection she makes with Jo. She never pushed Jo for information, they built up trust between them and shared a bond. Jo worries that Kate would go running back to AC-12 with all the dirt on Jo but Kate reassures her, “I would never tell them personal stuff.” And she doesn’t. We know that she could, we see her do it with Tony Gates the moment she finds out the extent of his relationship with Jackie Laverty. But the fact she doesn’t, is telling us that outside of being undercover, Kate, despite what people might think, is an authentic person who can form relationships without it being faked for beneficial reasons.

Are her motives clear?

Not always. On the surface she is quite a hard person to read but once you pick her apart and piece everything together, you realise that she is an incredibly smart woman who, despite holding her cards close to her chest, plays them very well. She doesn’t reveal things easily which is testament to her being a good undercover officer but when you dig into it, I think her motives can be clear. She’s very career-driven, often putting that above everything else. She always want to get the job done and to the best of her ability. As I’ve mentioned throughout, she is the embodiment of AC-12, integrity and truth. She very much holds up the law. 

That doesn’t make her innocent and doesn’t mean she doesn’t bend the truth/law to her all the time either. But I do think that’s Jeds way of saying that no matter how hard you try to be good, you’re always going to end up in tricky situations that you have to worm your way out of, as depicted by Steve’s quote in S2 “Maybe there are some people out there who always tell the truth and ones who always lie. The rest of us choose our moments.” 

How has Kate been developed across the show? 

In short, she hasn’t been developed all that much and where she has been developed it’s been reversed by the end of it. From S1-5 she remains pretty much the same person, not much bothers her or effects her. Partly think that’s because of her burying her emotions and her trauma but I don’t want to give Jed too much credit where it isn’t due. 

S6 was where we seen the most development from Kate. We seen a whole new side to her, we seen her experiencing things for the first time, having feelings that have never been delved into where Kate has been concerned. S6 Kate felt miles apart from S1-5 Kate, or at least she did until E7. Kate had the potential to be fleshed out and to be shown that not even Line of Duty’s resident heroine is free from trauma and emotions but that, like I’ve said, got scrapped for the sake of a political point. We needed more than a 30 second therapy scene to address the issues and dilemmas going on in Kate’s head. We needed the relationship that she had been involved in, that had been set up, to be acknowledged and addressed. That relationship with Jo was so integral and important to Kate’s development, it needed to be brought up, even if it was just in relation to Kate’s development and Kate’s character. 

Jo and Kate were never going to end up in a relationship, it was doomed from the beginning but it still brought about a change in Kate and her character deserved to have that tied up and acknowledged to an extent, at the very least. We, as an audience, deserved that also. Kate went through so much in this series and the fact that all we got was a 30 second scene therapy scene to address it is, quite frankly, insulting.

I don’t care that Buckells was H, looking back on it’s obvious. I understood the political point of it and Jed was making a good point, in a sense. But with shows like Line of Duty, where it’s main characters remain constant throughout you have a due diligence to develop them and flesh them out into 3D characters who have good sides and bad sides - and that goes for ALL of them, Kate included. And she is but to an extent because she isn’t explored enough. Jed will start it, pave ways she could go and then forgets about it. As much as we all follow along for the plot and wanting to find out who these corrupt officers are, we also become invested in the characters, we want to know more about them. We want to see them go through things, we want to be able to relate to them and go on journeys with them. 

As much as we watch for the plot, we’re also watching for the characters. Like come on how many of us shouted “Oh God Steve, watch your back!” When the van toppled over and not “Oh shit they’re about to be ambushed!” I could go on but you get my point. The main plot is interesting and well thought out but we’re also watching the characters and we want to see them be developed with justice. 

Kate Fleming is a complex character and she deserved to be fully developed throughout S6 (and the whole show considering, you know, she’s a main character) and didn’t deserve to have that development fizzled out for political point scoring.  

And if you made it this far, well done. Have a drink. 

[apiratewhopines]

Thanks to @teamhook for the the eye candy :)

In the Offing

Chapter 16 — Heart of Darkness

Summary: In which our heroine buries multiple hatchets

Notes: This one gets a little gruesome!

Chapter 16 on AO3

“Some mistakes get made

That’s alright, that’s okay

In the end it’s better for me

That’s the moral of the story babe”

-Moral of the Story, Ashe

In the dead of night, her phone started ringing. Looking at the clock, she tried to shake off the fog that threatened to pull her back under. Reaching blindly for her cell and seeing the ID, she groggily answered, “What do you want, Killian?”

“Bloody hell, Swan! If I had known you would get in trouble the second I walked out, I never would have left,” he swore, words breaking with stress. She imagined his hair looked wild at this point if his voice was any indication. “Are you alright?”

“Finally got around to reading the paper, I see,” she replied without emotion as she shifted to sit up in bed. Unable to keep an accusation from seeping into her tone, she continued, “Yes, I’ve had a day to get used to the idea that I’m the most hated person in town but it’s nice of you to join the party. Better late than never I suppose.”

“Liam and I went out on the sailboat, we didn’t get back until a couple of minutes ago. Surely you don’t think I would have left you to fend for yourself if I had known,” he rebuked. When she didn’t say anything, he said grimly, “Or maybe that’s exactly what you thought. Love, you’ll not get rid of me that easily. Can I come over? As a friend.”

She hated that he felt like he had to clarify his intentions. Hated even more that she craved his presence. “No, I’m okay. I need to sleep. I...I’m glad you called though,” she confessed, too tired to maintain the facade that she didn’t care.

“Emma, please—”

“I’ll talk to you later,” she cut him off and hung up before she could change her mind. As much as it hurt, the lines between them were blurred enough without him holding her while she slept which is exactly what would happen if he showed up in the middle of the night. She was beginning to realize that a platonic friendship with him would be impossible. For them it would be all or nothing.

She drifted back to sleep and dreamed of the cottage. The sunshine softly illuminating the porch in the early morning, tiny feet running barefoot across the wood floors, laughter filling every corner of the home. She awoke hours later with a deep sense of peace that was foreign to her.

—

The seagulls squawked longingly as they flew back and forth across the marina docks in search of food left behind by visitors. Emma sat on the bench looking out at the ocean, the heat of the day warming the metal in a pleasant way. While she didn’t want to admit it, she knew she had come to this place in search of Killian.

Instead someone found her.

“I was hoping I would run into you soon,” Liam greeted her as he settled on the bench. As was his norm, he didn’t crowd or even look in her direction. His gaze was fixed out on the distant waves. The stony countenance that always graced his face, the one that used to irritate her so, had somehow changed into a soothing kind of companionship that she had missed.

“Well, you did and here we are. Two grumpy Bostonians stuck in a picturesque nightmare,” she commented, only half joking. She realized that even before their fight, she hadn’t really spent time with him in weeks. Sneaking a look out of the corner of her eye, she saw that the gash on his head was healing nicely, only a thin red line marking the place where the injury occurred. His arm was still in a sling and probably would be for a couple more weeks but he wasn’t as stiff as he had been. Still stiff of course, this was Liam Jones after all, but pompously so instead of painfully.

“Too right,” he agreed. “Although I think you might have gotten the worst of it.”

“Trip’s not over yet. Don’t jinx yourself,” Emma pointed out with a grimace. “Thank you for the transfer. I wasn’t sure you’d come through.”

“Have I ever not lived up to my end of the bargain, Emma? You did what you said you would, you found half the missing persons on our list, doing it admirably and with your normal tenaciousness. If I ever made you think I doubted your abilities or didn’t count you as important, I regret it. I didn’t bring you along as a...what did you call it? A pretty blonde distraction.”

“I haven’t given up, you know. I still want to help you. It’s only that my priorities have to shift for a while,” she told him. Saying that she needed to save her own skin first would have been too melodramatic but she trusted he understood what she meant. He usually did.

“What they printed in the paper was out of line,” he said heatedly. “It was a smear job and it means nothing. You aren’t alone, Emma. You have friends and we will sort this out. It is a fine tangle though.”

“I’m sure it was a shock to read about my past in the Storybrooke Daily Mirror. At least it was for me. There is a reason I like keeping to myself.”

“I knew about your past the second time I talked with Henry, lass,” he laughed. “I think he was feeling me out as a potential suitor. The hope of youth is vast and diabolical.”

Chuckling because that sounded exactly like something Henry would do, she reached out and lightly slapped his shoulder. “Don’t get any ideas. I’m too good for the likes of you, even with a criminal history and fresh charges pending.”

“Aye, you’ll get no argument from me,” he agreed. Clearing his throat uncomfortably, he muttered, “Speaking of women who are too good for me, Elsa and I are getting married this Saturday.”

Eyes wide, she gaped at him in surprise. The tips of his ears were a faint pink and his lips had softened into a satisfied grin. “I don’t know what to say. Congratulations! That’s really fast.”

“Or really slow depending on how you look at it,” he responded. “I’ve loved her for years and I don’t want to wait another minute. Her sister will be in town on a short break for the holiday so we decided it was the perfect time. We want you to be there. After all if it weren’t for you, I’d still have my head stuck up my ass.”

Snorting, she nodded. “That’s probably true. Honestly, I thought you were an incurable case so I guess you deserve some credit too. But Liam, I’m not sure it’s a good idea. I have this shooting hanging over my head and people will talk. I don’t want to detract from your day.”

“Hang them. Have I ever cared what people thought? The whole town will be there whether they are invited or not so what better way to show our solidarity.”

Forcing herself to be truthful, she added, “Things between me and Killian are...unsettled. He might be uncomfortable if I show up.”

Looking at her for the first time, his eyes crinkled in a way that was reminiscent of his brother. “No kidding. His moping around the house and general state of sullenness were my first clues. Trust me, he won’t mind.”

“How do you know?”

“Because he’s smitten with you. Has been since the moment we stepped foot in town,” he said in a voice that made it clear he thought it was obvious. Smiling out at the horizon, he explained, “Killian has taken to you in a way I’ve never seen before. In the interest of fulfilling my role of wing man, I have to confess that he was on me to tell you about the map and treasure from the minute we made it back to the cottage after the accident, long before you had formed an attachment. I’m sure he’ll give you plenty of reasons to be angry with him in the future but place the blame for this one where it belongs. Squarely on me.”

“I think I may have already burned that bridge,” Emma declared, her smile a sad answer to his.

“Good that my little brother is an excellent swimmer then,” Liam countered, standing up and facing her. “Come to the wedding. Then we’ll get back to work.”

—

Emma walked into the loft several hours later discouraged and annoyed. Having spent a good part of the afternoon at the docks, she decided to stop off at the hospital on the way home to check on August. It was there that the full import of her situation hit her. The ICU staff followed her every move, never leaving her alone with her friend as if they were afraid she would rip out his heart with her bare hands as soon as their backs were turned.

So much for innocent until proven guilty.

Mary Margaret’s sunny smile welcomed her as she stepped across the threshold. “Emma, you just missed Killian. He’d been waiting for you for hours.”

“Hmm” was her only reply. As much as she might want to see him, after her chat with Liam she wasn’t sure she was ready to. There were things she needed to settle in her own mind before she interacted with him again. It wasn’t fair to keep jerking him around. She was going to have to pick a path and stick to it. The problem was her mind was set on one direction and her heart was urging her in another.

“Uh oh, I know that look,” Mary Margaret commented. “You’re reverting.”

Amused in spite of the dark turn of her thoughts, Emma asked, “Reverting? What do you mean?”

“You’re pulling on that armor of yours and you’re readying for battle. Am I right?”

“I’m tired. That’s all. The hospital staff clearly believes everything they read,” she explained while moving into the kitchen to get something to drink. “It’s one thing to think someone capable of murder but it’s another to think they would be stupid enough to do it in broad daylight in a well monitored hospital room.”

“Most people are too wrapped up in their own lives to question the things that people present to them as facts,” she observed sagely. “Regardless, I know what you need to get out of this funk.”

“Do you? And what would that be?”

“We’re going out for a girl’s night. I’ll call Elsa and Ruby. We’ll get dressed up and we’ll show the town that they are wrong about you.”

“I’m not sure there is enough makeup in the world to change their opinions now,” Emma joked, not completely averse to proposal. “I’m also not sure I’m ready to see another story in the paper about how I callously partied my way through Storybrooke while August is on his deathbed.”

“It’s Storybrooke, Emma. How much trouble do you think we could get into? I’m not suggesting an orgy. It’s dinner with people who care about you. Maybe a few drinks.”

Nearly spitting out her orange juice when the word orgy slipped from Mary Margaret’s mouth, Emma shook her head in disbelief and teased, “What in the world has David been doing these last couple of days? You know when I met you, I would have sworn that you didn’t know any four-letter words.”

“Well now I know all of them,” she joked back, her cheeks flushing and eyes dancing with the deep emotion that only comes from being in love and being loved thoroughly and repeatedly. “Get changed. I’m not taking no for an answer.”

Hours later, Emma had to admit she was glad she didn’t put up too much of a fight. Elsa and Ruby rounded out their merry little band quite nicely, the cool elegance of the former a stark contrast to the vivid earthiness of the latter. Overall they were a nice blend of independent, intelligent women who, for whatever reason, seemed to have her back.

She also appreciated that they were giving the topic of her brief arrest a wide berth. There was no better way to kill a buzz than to give into harsh realities. They kept the conversation light, discussing Elsa’s imminent wedding and Mary Margaret’s newfound saltiness. Ruby sighed and said, “Everyone is pairing up. It’s about to be nothing but babies and boringness. Then Emma will leave and nothing exciting will ever happen again.”

“That’s me, the bringer of excitement,” Emma commented dryly as her phone vibrated. Seeing that Henry was calling, she excused herself and went to stand outside so she could hear him. She watched a steady stream of people make their way into the bar as Henry begged to fly into town for Liam’s wedding. Figuring her son’s well-informed status must have come from the man himself, she laughed at his logical arguments for the last minute trip. Starting with the ability to celebrate the holiday with her and ending with meeting her new friends, he laid out his reasons as if he were forty instead of ten.

She hadn’t realized the individuals she had met since her arrival had trickled into their conversations so much but the casual way he referred to half a dozen people he had never met drove the point home. Tempted as she was to give in to his earnest and well-thought out pleas, she did not think it was a good time for a visit. She needed to clear her name first. Explaining that there would be time to meet everyone later and promising to send pictures of the ceremony, which effectively made the decision for her about attending, she ended the call and leaned back against the outer wall.

She heard gravel crunching under footsteps before she heard his voice. “Fancy meeting you here,” Graham said as he approached her.

“This is where all the cool kids hang out apparently,” she remarked, turning toward him. “How are you doing, Sheriff?”

“I’ve been better,” he admitted, stopping a couple of feet away and taking up a similar position against the wall. They stood there in silence for several minutes, neither one sure what to say now that they were alone and not interrogating each other. “The forensics came back. The gun was wiped clean. No prints.”

“Dead end then,” she observed, not particularly surprised. If it had been that easy, the guy would have already been caught.

“Not quite. You’d be surprised at the number of criminals who wipe the weapon and completely forget about the bullets. We pulled a partial off one. No hits yet but it definitely doesn’t match Liam’s or yours. They are also analyzing an unusual substance they found on the rags. We may still get lucky.”

“So, what does that mean?”

“It means you are no longer my prime suspect, Emma,” Graham explained with a small smile. “You can go back to hating me with a clear conscience.”

“I never hated you,” Emma argued, sheepishly looking at him from under her lashes. “I just didn’t trust you.”

Laughing softly, his lilting voice carried to her with a hint of delight. “I do love how direct you are.” Gazing into her eyes searchingly, he asked with a quirked brow, “Why is that? What did I do within minutes of meeting you to put you off me so completely?”

“You lied,” she said simply. Returning his searching glance, she took in his handsome face and lean body. In another time or place, if things had been different, she wondered if there would have been something between them. The odd tension stretched around them, forming a little bubble where the outside world didn’t exist. Deciding she had nothing to lose, she asked, “What were you really doing in the woods the night of our accident?”

“Clever girl,” he complimented her with a wink that showed he was teasing rather than patronizing her. With a shrewd look, he asked her, “Do you trust me now?”

“I think you’ve earned a little faith from me,” she replied, curious about the sudden shift in his demeanor. “Why?”

“It might be better if I show you,” he said mysteriously. A second later, her hand was clasped in his and he was pulling her toward his cruiser. “Let’s go.”

Sending a text to her friends to let them know something had come up and she wouldn’t be rejoining them, she buckled herself into the passenger seat and questioned humorously, “Are you taking me to the wolf’s den?”

“There really have been complaints about wolves,” he defended. “Although they are more likely to be coyotes in this area. But you’re right. I wasn’t being honest because I wasn’t sure what I had found. This town has a violent history and this particular investigation I’ve been keeping under wraps. I haven’t even told Nolan about it.”

“So why me? Why now?”

“I don’t know, Emma,” Graham responded truthfully. “There’s something about you. I’ve always been on your side, you just didn’t want to see it. I have a feeling you’re going to be the one to solve everything.”

“Everything is a tall order,” she groused. “I’d settle for finding who shot August.”

They fell into silence as the buildings gave way to trees. In no time, they were approaching the to town line. They emerged from the cruiser at nearly the exact point Liam’s SUV had left the road. With a dubious look at her sandals, he said, “You going to be okay for a walk?”

Mimicking his doubtful glance, she countered, “Are you offering to carry me the whole time?” Before he could say anything, she stepped off the pavement and ordered, “Lead the way.”

Even with the high-powered police flashlights, it was slow going in the inky darkness of the night with the overgrown forest floor threatening to trip them with every footfall. They had probably been hiking arm-in-arm for about thirty minutes, Emma having given up the pretense of making it on her own shortly after they started. “Are you taking me to our crash site?”

“I’m taking you to a crash site,” he corrected. Huffing a bit and wishing she had gone with jeans rather than a dress, she nodded. Then, there was a break in the trees and she could barely make out the charred remains of a sedan.

Pulling away, she carefully circled the burned out car. The light bounced eerily off the blackened metal and with only a slight hesitation, she flooded the front seat with the beam. Letting go of a breath she hadn’t realized she was holding, she was relieved that it was empty. She really hadn’t been looking forward to finding any more skeletons in Storybrooke. “Who do you think it belonged to?”

“I don’t have to think, I know,” he assured her. “The car was registered to the city. It was reported stolen about twenty-eight years ago.”

“Someone stole city property, took it for a joyride, crashed it, and burned the car to hide the evidence?”

“Perhaps.”

“There’s something you haven’t told me, isn’t there?”

“You do have a knack for ferreting out the truth, Emma,” he respectfully observed. “It would be nice to have you around to help out the department from time to time.”

“Don’t get attached,” she warned seriously. “I’m merely passing through. What else have you found?”

“Follow me,” he directed, taking her arm lightly in his grasp to steady her as they moved deeper into the woods. Less than a quarter mile away from the car, they came upon an abandoned cabin. Flashing her light through the grimy windows, she detected no sign of movement.

Graham entered the one room cabin first and flicked on the light switch. A couple of the bulbs were still working and a dingy, yellow glow filled the room. It was then that she saw the blood stains on the small bed pushed against one wall. Her flashlight continued to trail around the room, illuminating several more bloody rags strewn on the floor. “What the hell happened here?”

“I can’t be sure,” he answered, steadying her again as her knees buckled a little at the overwhelming sight. “If it’s too much, we can go outside. You’ve seen everything there is to see now.”

“No, no, it’s fine,” she told him, taking slow breaths in through her nose. “What do you think happened?”

“I think someone had a baby.” He watched her reaction as if concerned she might pass out. Honestly, his fears weren’t totally unfounded. “I’ll spare you from reviewing the evidence that led me to that conclusion since you’re white as a sheet and look like you could double over at any moment.”

“Why haven’t you processed the scene?”

“I’m waiting for the state lab to come. Emma, something happened in Storybrooke decades ago, something that is having a ripple effect to this day. I don’t trust that we’ll find answers locally. I’ve been doing what I can to comb through records regarding pregnancies around that time but it’s slow going with the privacy laws and the fact that I doubt there was a birth announcement for this particular baby.”

“I think I can help you there.” Exhaling shakily, she hurried outside. She heard him come up behind her and didn’t resist when he wrapped his arm around her shoulders as if to funnel some of his strength to her. “I’m positive that Eva Blanchard had her baby in that cabin, Graham. I’m also sure that if we continue searching, we’ll find her and Leo’s body somewhere around here. Maybe the baby’s as well.”

Feeling sick, she didn’t protest as he pulled her closer and began the trek out of this grisly corner of the forest. He didn’t question how she knew the things she knew and didn’t pressure her to talk, merely nodding at her in thanks when he dropped her off outside the loft.

That night, her dreams were anything but peaceful.

[estrel]

Catalysts & Changes: a 15x16 Meta

I wanted to talk really quickly about Dean’s change this season, especially regarding 15x16.

My main focus of this meta is to talk about Mary’s impact on Dean being the catalyst for this change we’ve been seeing, but I’m also going to be mentioning some Cas/destiel things to tie into this. So, here we go:

I. Mary as Catalyst & Myth

Mary is Dean’s reason. By that I mean that literally the whole reason Dean hunts--or, rather, continues to hunt, since John honestly forced it on him--was all in the hopes of catching what killed Mary. That was the main purpose of season 1, other than finding John. This is Dean’s motivation, his basis as a character. 

Dean has also mentioned on multiple occasions that Mary was why he was brave, why he kept fighting, and that he often thought about her. 

Dean: I was scared, too. I didn’t feel like talking, just like you. But see, my mom...I know she wanted me to be brave. I think about that every day (1.03 Dead in the Water)

Remember this quote, because I think it’s eerily similar to the one in 15.16 that I’ll talk about later in this post.

This makes sense--she’s his mom, he should be affected in some way about her death. But Dean takes it to the extreme, based his life around it, held on to it for far too long. Sam was different, because he never actually knew Mary, and we know from earlier seasons that their feelings about her are pretty different. 

Meanwhile, almost any time Dean has dreamt of something ideal, Mary was there (think of his djinn dream in 2.20 where Mary never died, and in heaven in 5.16). We can especially see that this is true because of what Amara said in Gimme Shelter:

Dean: What was the point?

Amara: I wanted two things for you, Dean. I wanted you to see that your mother was just a person. That the myth you’d held onto for so long of a better life, a life where she’d lived, was just that: a myth. I wanted you to see that the real, complicated Mary, was better than your childhood dream because she was real. That now is always better than then. That you could finally start to accept your life. (15.15 Gimme Shelter)

Here, Amara was anticipating a turning point. She had wanted Dean to be “released” by having Mary back, but obviously this didn’t happen. Instead, Mary’s death was once again the catalyst for Dean’s change, just like it was the first time when Azazel killed her. We can also see from this that Dean has always been stuck in the past, hence Amara telling him that he should be focusing on now, instead. Another thing to note for future reference is the “real” line. Remember Cas saying “we are” when Dean asks him what is real.

Mary was also not exactly what Sam or Dean--hell, not even the viewers--had been expecting when she returned. She was scared, alone, and had trouble dealing with being back in a new century with her little boys all grown up and even worse-- hunting. But Dean eventually accepted this. He accepted the real version of Mary, but continued to idolize her and bring up the past.

II. Mary’s Death

Now let’s take a look at what’s happened since Mary’s second death:

Denial. Dean hopes Mary isn’t actually dead, even though all signs point to this.

Grief. Dean cries alone at the site of her death.

Blame. Dean blames Jack and Cas for what happened. 

During and after the funeral, Dean avoids talking about it with anyone. However, he is obviously affected by her death. Sam even holds Cas back from going to Dean while burning the pyre. Bobby makes a comment about Dean being a lot like him and not wanting to show his feelings to others.

These all sound like the Dean that’s been built up since season 1. Not dealing with his feelings properly at all, pushing people away, denial. The one thing that makes this time different from other deaths, though, is that--just like the first time Mary died--there's no body to bring back. It's implied in 14.19 that if there had been, Dean would have tried, because he even tells Sam:

Note: This is also an episode where we see Jack being a mirror for Dean by doing exactly that--doing everything in his power to try to bring Mary back by himself. It doesn’t work; Mary’s gone for good. And she’s happy--she’s in heaven! 

In addition to there not being a body, Dean also knows who did it. It's not some unidentifiable yellow-eyed demon that he can spend years tracking down, it's Jack. It's his son, it's someone he can't and won't kill, because he's family, even if he’s guilty. So Dean has no outlet for his rage except to put blame on not only Jack, but Cas (specifically in 15.03 The Rupture, Jack is dead at this point and he pushes Cas away for several episodes). And here is where Dean begins to change.

III. The Shift: Anger, Apologies, and Forgiveness

Because then, in 15.09 The Trap, there is a big, significant shift. Dean forgives Cas:

Dean: You’re my best friend, but I just let you go. ‘Cause it was easier than admitting I was wrong. 

He cries, looks around, and gets on his knees.

Dean: I don’t know why I get so angry. I just know-I just know that it’s just always been there. And when things go bad, it just-it comes out. And I can’t- I can’t stop it. No matter how--how bad I want to, I just can’t stop it. And I forgive you, of course I forgive you. I’m sorry it took me so long to...I’m sorry it took me ‘til now to say it.  (15.09 The Trap)

This is an incredibly important scene because it shows that Dean knows about his anger--the anger that Amara talks about in 15x15, and he wants to stop it. 

Amara: I thought having [Mary] back would release you...put that fire out. Your anger. But I guess we both know I failed at that.

Dean: You’re damn right.  (15.15 Gimme Shelter)

After this, Dean clarifies that he’s not only angry, but furious. This is change, this is change caused directly by Mary’s death--by Amara bringing her back again. Dean might say he is furious, but he has also said before that he wants to stop his anger. And, in many ways, he’s been taking steps towards doing that: 

For example, here in 15.09 when Dean forgives Cas, (gif credit)

and here in 15.14 when he tells Jack he’s trying to forgive him for killing Mary, (gif credit)

and again in 15.16 for not telling Sam and Caitlin about the dead bodies when they were younger (gif credit)

and most recently, at the end of 15.16, when he didn’t tell Sam about Jack dying. (gif credit)

So now we’ve taken the turn towards forgiveness. Dean has been handing out apologies and forgiveness like never before this season, which is a definite change to how it used to be with him. He’s opening up, and he is trying to do better and be better than before. Billie also tells him this at the diner:

(gif credit)

I’m inclined here to believe that Dean is on that road to forgiveness with Jack. I mean, he said it himself in 15.14 that he’s trying, and Cas also vouched for him when Jack asked if forgiveness from Dean was a possibility. So in 15.16, when Dean says they have “no choice” but to let Jack die, it’s not because it doesn’t haunt him. It clearly does, with the entire episode dealing with Dean coping with the deaths of children, even his brother. He doesn’t want Jack to die, but his anger, his fury towards Chuck is taking precedence over that. It’s something he wants to change, but feels like he has no choice in the matter.

To add on to this, Jack has been a clear mirror for Dean this entire season. Dean’s argument with Sam about them having no choice is an indication of this. Just an episode prior in 15.15, Jack told Cas that the choice wasn’t his whether or not Jack died. So the pair ups in 15.17 aren’t all that surprising. With the episode being titled “Unity,” I think that the four of them will reach an agreement by the end of the episode (I keep mentioning agreements in all of my metas, because I think Chuck/Amara and Sam/Eileen’s agreement had important implications, but alas...), and be unified in a new plan to defeat Chuck. 

As for Dean? I don’t think his ending is going to be expected. He is changing--he won’t be making the same decisions he used to make in earlier seasons. 

I also find it fascinating that they made 15.16 a flashback episode to their past as children. Not only did 15.16 show us Dean being annoyed by sex, ignoring a possible love interest (which we were right as an audience to assume it would be written that way, because it has been so many times before), and how he’s dealing with the prospect of Jack’s death (with all of the imagery of dead children), but it really brought to light how much Dean has changed. 

The most obvious way they showed us this was through this scene with Caitlin (who looks eerily like a young Mary...interesting), who says this:

(gif credit)

Dean: Always am.

Caitlin: You have changed. The old you never would have admitted that.

Dean: Well, I’m not sure that’s a good thing.

Caitlin: I think so. What do they say about getting older? You tell the truth more because lies...they don’t make anything better. (15.16 Drag Me Away (From You)) 

Now, ignoring the fact that Dean has admitted this (in 1.03), we know that the only time he has admitted to being scared before was in relation to Mary. But I think what the writers were going for here was not only to highlight Dean’s recent character growth by admitting to Caitlin that he’s changed, but also the running theme of lying this season. I’ve said it before that Sam has been the only one telling the truth in s15, and I think it’ll eventually come into play during the final episodes. The truth/lies aspect will become a central plot point--I mean, it already is. But I think it’ll factor into how the show will end as a whole, especially with this episode and previous ones alluding to normalcy and the possibility of it for Sam. 

I’m going to finish this here, because I’ve dragged on too long, but some other (destiel) things to note are:

Dean falling to his knees in the hallway as a parallel to falling on his knees in Purgatory, praying to Cas, apologizing.

Dean cutting off Baba Yaga’s fingers, whereas Cas restored a woman’s fingers in 15x15. The pastor telling Cas that people are god’s hands; they lift each other up with each finger. The implications of Dean cutting people off, and Cas bringing people together.

another amazing meta regarding 15.16 and another about dean changing + 15.16

[westernwoods]

i got fed up with “the problem of susan” and wrote an entire esay about it underneath the cut. if you’re into very long discussions of fictional characters and their biblical archetypes, this one’s for you!

i’m so tired of the “problem of susan” nonsense. anyone who truly understands lewis’ writing - especially christian readers - can never come to the conclusion that he shut susan out of heaven because she liked to wear makeup and flirted with boys, or that lewis wasn’t a “feminist” so all of his writing is Problematic™. the point of susan’s character arc is not so that lewis can flagrantly disenfranchise women from salvation; the point of susan is to represent the story of every person who forgets who they really are. 

peter, edmund, and lucy all remember who they are: they are kings and queens of narnia, brave and beloved by aslan. susan’s gravest mistake is chosing to forget this identity - because, really, it’s her own choice that leads her to “forget”. in truth, she didn’t forget at all; she chose to write narnia and aslan off as a silly game she played as a child, not the very essence of her entire being. this leads her to lose confidence in who she truly is, because she has no grasp of it; this in turn leads her to scramble to find identity and confidence in “nylons and lipstick”. those things aren’t bad, but they’re not her identity. used as an indentity, they’re flimsy; they feed into that familiar fear that creeps in whenever it gets the chance, the fear that the queen she had once been and could be again was no more than a dream. susan’s sin is chosing to forget how brave and beloved she is.

but the story doesn’t end there. the way susan is portrayed in the books illustrates this idea so simply that i can’t believe anyone who’s read the books could give credit to the “problem of susan” waffling. though susan ends the lion, the witch, and wardrobe a queen of narnia, and confident in that identity, we see in prince caspian that she’s the one out of the siblings who most quickly forgot her identity back in england, her identity as a queen who sees aslan in everything and welcomes his presence in her life. she’s the one who most continually brushes off lucy’s claims of seeing aslan. and yet, when they meet aslan again for the first time in prince caspian, susan immediately rights her wrongs, and realizes that she did truly believe he was there all along. 

“I see him now. I’m sorry... But I’ve been far worse than you know. I really believed it was him—he, I mean—yesterday. When he warned us not to go down to the fir wood. And I really believed it was him to-night, when you woke us up. I mean, deep down inside. Or I could have, if I'd let myself. But I just wanted to get out of the woods and—and—oh, I don't know. And what ever am I to say to him?”

susan realizes that it would have been better for her to have not believed at all than to have truly believed and still chosen to ignore it, and she’s right. she recognizes the depth of her error and offense towards aslan; she realizes that her sin lies in not allowing herself to remember and believe in aslan’s goodness and presence. inside susan is a radiant, gentle queen beloved by aslan, but she chose to let go of that identity. she chose fear and doubt instead.

aslan echoes this in his greeting to susan, his beloved and chosen queen of narnia. he greets her siblings first: peter is bestowed the affection of “dear son”; edmund is praised in a manner reminiscent of the biblical “well done, my good and faithful servant”; lucy is celebrated as a lioness. susan, however, is greeted with her name.

Then, after an awful pause, the deep voice said, "Susan." Susan made no answer but the others thought she was crying. 

"You have listened to fears, child," said Aslan. "Come, let me breathe on you. Forget them. Are you brave again?"

aslan gently exposes susan’s decision to listen to her fears and doubts, her conscious choice to forget her identity as a brave queen. his rebuke is not left to bruise her long; aslan knows that susan believed he was there, deep down, and he knows her heart. he calls her child, and offers to help her forget those fears that latched on to her as soon as she gave them room. “are you brave again?” aslan asks. do you remember who you are, beloved child, queen of narnia?

for the rest of the book, susan rests easy in her identity as queen, her identity as a dear one to aslan. we see that after the events of prince caspian, after aslan has told susan and peter they may not return to narnia - ostensibly giving them the same promise he gives lucy and edmund later, that they made know him even more deeply in their world - that susan soon falls into her same fears and doubts again. readers may ask why susan falls so quickly from her resolve to rest in her identity, and if she can so easily fall back into her old habits, how can she ever be redeemed? she seems doomed to chose fear over her true self, a queen dearly beloved to aslan, over and over again until it is all she has left.

in answer to these questions, i submit that susan is a st. peter archetype. over and over again in the bible, peter falls into doubt and fear about who he is and who jesus is. peter lived with jesus and learned from him; everything about jesus told peter that he was good and trustworthy and present. and yet, peter stumbles, again and again.

“Come,” Jesus said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?” (Matthew 14:29-31)

this passage reads almost identically to the scene in prince caspian where susan, drowning in fear and doubt, is called by aslan to come near to him so that she may be chastised but immediately restored and saved from her fear. like peter, susan choses fear. like peter, susan choses to forget and deny the core of her identity.

Now Peter was sitting outside in the courtyard. And a servant girl came up to him and said, “You also were with Jesus the Galilean.” But he denied it before them all, saying, “I do not know what you mean.” (Matthew 26:69-70)

"Yes," said Eustace, "and whenever you've tried to get her to come and talk about Narnia or do anything about Narnia, she says 'What wonderful memories you have! Fancy your still thinking about all those funny games we used to play when we were children.'" (The Last Battle)

again, the similarities are obvious: when asked to recall and claim jesus or aslan, peter and susan deny them in front of everyone who knows they’re lying. after peter realizes what he’s done, he weeps bitterly, and though we’re not given a glimpse at susan’s reaction, i think it’s safe to assume that she feels guilty and saddened by it too. susan knows deep down how loved she is by aslan and how eager he is to be reunited with her, but as she says in prince caspian, she can only know it if she allows herself to. 

because susan is a st. peter archetype, all hope is not lost for her. indeed, her redemption story is beautiful and comforting. despite the times peter doubted jesus, gave into fear, and denied ever even knowing jesus at all, jesus still makes peter the foundation of the church. he still calls him beloved. he still extends the invitation to love and be loved, to be reconciled and to accept his glorious joy and responsibility. i believe that this reconciliation is extended to susan as well, after she loses her siblings and perhaps toward the end of her own life. aslan’s offer always stands, no matter how many times susan denies him: “come, forget your fears, grow brave again, know how much i love you. accept your crown again, along with everything it brings.”

i firmly believe that through all the similarities between susan’s story and st. peter’s, lewis intended for peter’s reconciliation and glorification in jesus to be indicative of susan’s reconciliation and glorification in aslan. as peter is forgiven and made the rock of jesus’ church, susan is forgiven and made queen of aslan’s country. the fact that this is not in the books makes it no less explicit, i think. susan’s story, and st. peter’s story, is remarkably like the story of many christians, and we would do well to remember who we are: kings and queens, brave and beloved, sons and daughters who can be the most glorious of beings if only we allow ourselves to.

[nobody-wants-ice-cream]

Everything Wrong With The Umbrella Academy. Episode 7, The Day That Was.

We Only See Each Other at Weddings and Funerals

Run Boy Run

Extra Ordinary

Man on the Moon

Number Five

The Day That Wasn’t

Disclaimer: This is all in good fun! I wanted to do a really nitpicky re-watch of the series and found some really cool and interesting things I didn’t notice before. This is meant to have a Cinema Sins-esque tone. However, I did take off a lot more sins than Cinema Sins would have because I do genuinely like the series and the people that made it possible. So all of the good things got one sin off and all the bad things got one sin added. This is a really long post, so grab some popcorn. If there’s anything that I missed, feel free to add it!

I would also like to add that normally you wouldn’t watch a show this way. I am purposefully looking for mistakes, easter eggs, and other things that we’re not supposed to notice. I am watching not with the goal of entertainment, but for analysis. So most of the things that I sin, I am seeing for the first time.

Also, no I can’t do better. I am in no way qualified to give this level of criticism about anything.

[Look out for the fic challenge at the end! I’m tagging @tehmoonofficial @seven-misfits @princenewton @tua-koffee and anyone else who wants to try it. Tag other people if you would like!]

The Day That Was

The use of “One is the Loneliest Number” by Three Dog Night implies that this is Luther’s birth. I know that that isn’t what they’re trying to convey so this is a very weird song choice. It would be way too on the nose if it was Luther, but it would fit so well. In fact, before Pogo said that it was the culmination of a normal pregnancy, I thought it was Luther when I was first watchin it.Point is, scoring is important. +1

No one is attending to this mother which is why she dies. Seriously, if just one person in that room was with Harold’s mother then any problems would have been noticed far earlier. I know this show likes to kill off women to further the plot, but this one happens to be excessively stupid. +2

There’s a woman in scrubs who doesn’t appear to be sterile in the room. Even Harold’s father is sterile. For those who don’t know, I’m talking about a lack of germs. +1

Harold playing with the Umbrella Academy action figures is adorable and makes sense. However, why the hell would his abusive father buy these for him? Something doesn’t add up. Where did he get these from? Did he steal them? In that case, stealing is bad. Sin still stands. +1

Dr. Terminal better appear in season 2. -1

Ben’s action figure includes the horror. This makes sense, but then how did Ben pose for this? Did he just sort of stand like that and let the sculptor take liberties with what the horror looked like? How were these modeled and designed? +1

“Put those stupid dolls away and go get me a beer” obvious abusive father is obvious. +7

Also, abusive fathers. +7

I didn’t notice that Harold’s house is the same as Leonard’s house when I first watched it because of the change in angle and lighting. This is clever. -1

Has anyone taken a good look at the Klaus action figure? That thing looks ridiculous! +1

Harold stops to look at a comic now and not later when his Dad isn’t demanding a beer. Then again, I am questioning the logic skills of a thirteen-year-old. So this sin is once again for the abusive dick for for not letting Harold be a child. +1

Seriously, where did Harold get all this stuff? Merch is expensive. And so are suit jackets. And tape. And a whole bunch of his supplies. +1

Seance seems pretty popular. Good. I love Klaus. But there is no indication that he did anything during missions, so why do these people love him? Show me his charisma or something? Give young Klaus a scene that shows why the people love him. +1

Are these barriers only there after missions? And if this is normal enough that there are barriers, then why aren’t there more people hounding the academy when Five runs away for example? How famous are these kids? +1

Harold you poor child. He even packed a bag and everything. Reggie is not better than your abusive father. Sin for Harold’s father and for Reggie. +2

No one stops Harold from jumping over the barrier. Not even the other fans saying something like “dude don’t do that”. Nothing. Who is enforcing these barriers? +1

Luther walked out of the car first and now he’s behind Allison. Since when does Luther have Five’s power?+1

Allison looks really uncomfortable. How many grabby fans has this young girl had to deal with? +1

Eden Cupid plays this really well. -1

How many grabby fans has Eden Cupid had to deal with?? +1

Reggie orders Harold behind the barricades. So is it Reggie enforcing it? Or what? +1

If it’s the academy enforcing it through Reggies orders then why didn’t Diego, Klaus, or Ben stop Harold? Or does this not matter because Luther was in front of them? This is confusing. Where is everybody? +1

Reggie is a dick. “You have no power”. Is that really the best way to deal with the situation? A better man may have said something like “You may not have powers but that doesn’t mean you aren't special. Run along now.” But then again, this is the same dick that drugged his daughter because he couldn’t control her powers so yeah. Fuck you, Reggie. +3

In the wide shot, Harold’s suitcase disappeared and some policemen magically appeared out of thin air. +1

Why are all these people laughing at Harold? After what Reggie just said there should be outrage? What the hell, people? +1

Some of these people include grown ass adults. +1

Reggie manhandles Harold and no one questions this. +1

Second hand embarrassment and shame. I really feel for this kid. -1

Where are the little umbrella mounts that the action figures are supposed to be standing on in this establishing shot of Harold’s collection? We see them on the collection in the academy. Is this supposed to imply that Harold stole them? I am confused. +1

We can see a piece of paper that has the words Klaus and Harold written on it in different colored crayon. Set designers, you win this one. -1

Why are the action figures going by their names instead of their hero names? It’s been established based on the posters the people had behind the barricades that “The Seance” and “Spaceboy” exist. So why the real names? If it’s because Harold is desperate for friends then the sin also applies. +1

In a close shot we can see that Harold must have taken those platforms off and glued them to this construction paper based on a weird deformity on Five’s foot. Sin still stands because Harold ruined those. In fact, I’ll add another sin, because this doesn’t explain how he separated them. If it was an exacto knife then sin for letting a child handle that. +1

Harold makes collages of the academy kids faces. Cute and a good set design choice. -1

You can see the moment when Harold decides to kill his father. That is some great acting, Jesse Noah Gruman. -1

You know, for all we rag on Harold for killing his abusive father, there are a surprising amount of fics in which the Hargreeves siblings kill their abusive father. Either we’re cool with killing abusive fathers or we aren’t, fandom. +1

Speaking of, we often use “cool motive, still murder” to describe this scene. But no one has a problem with the amount of people Five killed. +1

Harold got twelve years in jail even though there were signs of abuse. He had a bruise on his face! Any lawyer should have been able to get Harold out of jail. Even a public defender can’t deny this evidence. Harold should have pled guilty and he would have gotten a lighter, if no sentence at all. [I am not a lawyer, do not take this as legal advice. This is based on various crime shows and some law youtube channels. Also, don’t kill people.] +1

Why was Harold following Klaus? Popular theories include wanting to kill him or use him the way he uses Vanya. I am sinning this because it remains unclear. +1

The Leonard/Harold reveal is beautifully executed. This is how you do a plot twist. -1

Reggie refers to Klaus by name and by 00.04 in his journal. Why the inconsistency? If you know his name, why not use it all the time, Reggie? +1

In 2001, the kids were twelve. Reggie locked Klaus in the mausoleum as young as 12 and probably younger if the credit for 8 year old Klaus is anything to go by. +4

Reggie’s notes say that Klaus is resistant to this. No fucking shit, a child is resistant to facing their greatest fears with no support. +4

Title screen is on the umbrella in Reggie’s journal. Classy. -1

Five tosses Allison’s coffee behind him when he’s done with it. This goes back to his Apocalypse days, but you would think that sort of thing was frowned upon in the Commission. Or was really obvious during any missions he had as an assassin. Why is he doing this? +1

At the end of episode 6, Five slurps the coffee but here there is no slurp after “Who the hell is Harold Jenkins?”. +1

Leonard hears Five saying that he [Harold] is responsible for the apocalypse. This does not alarm Leonard in any way and he continues stealing Hargreeves’s action figure. +1

Also, Harold Jenkins happens to be in the academy right now as they’re talking about trying to find him. Choke on that irony. +1

Repeat scene shows no indication that the information Harold just got changed his reactions in any way. You would think that he would show a little fear or something? +1

Five isn’t treating his injury despite the fact that it’s causing him obvious pain and he has access to Grace and an infirmary because plot? They could easily have this chat in the infirmary while Five is getting stitched up. Five has been shown treating his injuries and does seem to possess more than half a brain cell, so not taking care of the shrapnel wound is a weird deviation in his character. +3

Speaking of brain cells, thank goodness Allison has one because she is the one asking relevant questions here. -1

Klaus and Diego are still pissed at Five for getting drunk while Hazel and Cha Cha attacked the mansion. Good job with the consistency in character motivation, writers. -1

“Temps Commission.” Maybe season 2 will give us the Temps Aeternalis. +1

Aidan Gallagher’s delivery is okay, but not stellar. I think it’s the tone that’s off. I think I’m judging him too harshly. This is hard to deliver because it’s an exposition dump seven out of ten episodes in. So this sin goes to the writers for making these paragraphs- not lines, paragraphs- that deliver information the viewer already knows. At this point, cut the scene short or show Vanya and Leonard again so we can skip the second Commission lecture. +1

And the reactions that Diego, Allison, and Luther have are so varied because they have such different levels of understanding. Allison, who knows the least, asks “What do you mean, protect time and space?” This level of info dumping this late is dumb. +1

“I look like a thirteen year old boy.” No you don’t. Real thirteen year olds do not look like fifteen year old Aidan Gallagher. For example, look up what Gallagher looked like when he was actually thirteen. +1

“Klaus talks to the dead” oh so we’re just stating the obvious now. Who wrote this scene? +1

How does Five know Claire’s name? Just one shot of a magazine in his apocalypse bunker was all we needed. The magazine that says Patrick and Claire are doing just fine without Allison would have made perfect sense. +1

If we don’t get Five and Claire meeting at some point istg. Sin until they meet.+1

Once again, Luther the moon and the apocalypse are connected, just not in the way you think. Reggie, you suck. +1

“Klaus you’re with me.” Diego and Klaus make a great team. -1

Five’s face when Klaus says he’s feeling under the weather. Considering Five’s injury, this makes sense for the character. -1

Five gives that look to Klaus. Five, you’re hiding a life threatening wound for no reason. You don’t have room to judge. +1

The old man walk looks ridiculous. Five is so obviously injured and Allison and Luther, who watch as Klaus, Diego, and Five walk away, don’t notice this odd walk. +1

We follow Hazel instead of Cha Cha because their story in this episode isn’t affected by Five’s time travel decision. However, the only part of this story we need is the part at the end of the episode. +1

Diego is driving, Five has shotgun, and Allison is in the back. They totally fought over who would sit where. That scene would have been way more interesting than the Hazel and Cha Cha repeat scene. Also, I kind of want to write about that fight now. You know Five wanted to drive. And that when Diego insisted on driving so he and Allison wouldn’t get in trouble for letting a minor drive or something like that, Allison and Five fought over the passenger's side seat. Well adjusted or not, fighting over that seat is what siblings do. +1

Allison, you could just waltz in there and ask for it. Don’t suggest that plan if you aren’t going to do that. +1

Five’s power or Allison’s power would be very useful, yet Diego choses to get the file himself. This wastes valuable time. And Five is okay with that. +1

Five refers to his powers as “blink” not “jump” which is what the fandom has been calling it. +1

Five has not slept at all in a couple days. And he’s making decisions about the end of the world. +1

Diego “made a call. That’s what a leader does.” But the call he makes is fucking stupid. This is a grab the thing and get out mission. Two people in the academy have powers that would work wonderfully for this type of mission. And they happen to be right there. Even with Allison refusing to use her power, it’s stupid to not have Five just blink in and grab it. Diego is a shitty leader. +1

Beeman just tells Diego that he is the prime suspect in Patch’s murder. This is so dumb on so many levels. Sigh. +1

Beeman has already said shit that would make him lose his job. At this point he’s arguing with Diego to pad the episode’s run time. +1

Whoever did Emmy Raver-Lampman’s makeup for this scene screwed up her brows really bad. Or maybe just her brow highlight is messed up. Or the blending on her eyeshadow. +1

Five is just sort of standing there and leaning against the wall. This is supposed to be another hint that he’s injured but it just looks stupid. +1

Allison’s heartfelt message to Vanya shows remorse and a genuine want for connection. -1

See! This cut where Allison doesn’t explain to Five and Diego who Leonard is because the viewer already knows and this can therefore happen off screen is good! Use this more if you’re going to do episodes like this. -1

Luther turns to alcohol because he doesn’t feel like he has any support. I’m sad now. Poor Luther! -1

And my sympathy disappears when Luther starts choking Klaus. That is some fucking bullshit. +1

I understand that Luther is drunk and not capable of complex decisions right now, but this seems excessively cruel. I think this is on the writers and not necessarily on Luther himself. +1

Why isn’t Ben seeing this? Later on, it’s like Ben didn’t see what Luther did here. This sin makes more sense later on in the episode. +1

Klaus is genuinely trying to make Luther feel better after Luther just choked him. Klaus is a good brother. -1

Klaus suggests going to find Allison. It’s like he knows what happened last episode. Oh, show. And yes, you can argue that Klaus knows that Luther and Allison were close. Then my counter argument would be that Klaus knows Allison is off saving the world. Yes, helping Luther is important, but Klaus can do it. Klaus needs more faith in himself. +1

Luther’s smile when Klaus calls him Number One and starts quoting poetry at him. “O captain, my captain.” -1

This immediately transitions into crying. My poor babies. +1

Klaus attempts to say “that’s not true” but can’t because he knows that Reggie is the type of person to send someone to the moon so he doesn’t have to look at them. Reggie is a dick. +7

Luther looks so lost and broken and sad. Tom Hopper, you asshole. I am actually crying a little bit. I’ll take a sin off because Tom Hopper made me feel emotions. -1

Robert Sheehan is an excellent actor. -1

Luther shoves Klaus out of the way with no regard to where he lands. What if Klaus’s head hit that furniture! +1

The Hazel and Cha Cha scenes would have been stronger if we left them in the last episode. Maybe one or two establishing things to show that they aren't affected by the time change and that’s it. All we needed was the order to not terminate Five and one of the messages. That’s it. +1

Hazel has a birdwatching book which shows that he wants to learn about Agnes’s interests. Cute. -1

They are trying to imply some kind of relationship between Hazel and Cha Cha! Cha Cha having feelings for Hazel doesn’t make sense. +1

“So do most serial killers and mass murderers. I mean look at him” “Thanks.” The delivery of “thanks” always bothered me. It could have used a little more sarcasm. +1

Diego doesn’t wait for Allison or Five to open the door. Nor does he let them offer suggestions. +1

Diego doesn’t even test the doorknob. Dumbass. +1

Diego seems like one of the competent siblings until he does this mission with Five and Allison, who have the family brain cells. This is amusing, but also makes me question the badass Diego moments. +1

If we don’t get more Five and Allison in season 2 imma riot. These characters work so well together. +1 

The way they make fun of Diego together is peak sibling culture. -1

“You need to see this.” Please just stop giving Allison these bullshit lines. +1

Five’s run is weird. He’s lifting his knees really high. This is one of those things that I shouldn’t have noticed. +1

Bottom left poster. Klaus hit the woah sixteen years too early. +1

Harold had time to scratch their faces before going to jail or Leonard did this at some point as an adult. Creep. +1

He also mangled the action figures even further. +1

Five isn’t looking so hot because the plot demands it right now. He was perfectly fine cracking jokes with Allison earlier. +1

Looking closer at the wound, we can see that Five not taking care of it right away is total fucking bullshit. That looks serious and like it could get infected easily. Five, who grew up in an apocalypse, would know to take care of shit like that. If he didn’t then he would have died in the Apocalypse.+1

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Diego would be excellent at cinema sins. +1

Five doesn’t answer this question because the answer is “The writers needed a convenient way to get me out of the picture for a couple hours.” +1

Harold’s father took him fishing. I don’t want to know why. +1

“We don’t have to stay here. We can just get a shitty motel or something.” Or ya know, go back to your apartment, Vanya. Or is Vanya’s apartment like Five’s injury in that it only exists when the plot needs it. +1

Off topic, but why is Vanya talking about chord progressions with her beginner violin student. Chords and violin don’t go together when you first start learning. This is a weird example. +1

Leonard is a manipulative bastard. He knows exactly what to say to make Vanya bend to his will. +1

We aren’t even halfway through the episode and I have been doing this for over two hours. This says a lot about the kinds of sins this episode has. Right now we’re at the end of page 6. +1

Vanya followed Leonard to a cabin in the woods in the middle of nowhere. They’ve known each other for less than a week. I wouldn’t trust some of the people I’ve known for years the way Vanya trusts Leonard. +1

Hazel has known Agnes for less than a week and now he wants to run away with her. +1

Agnes is willing to run away with Hazel despite knowing him for less than a week. +1

Hazel and Agnes are using the “Life is short” thing, which it is, especially with the impending apocalypse, but that doesn’t change that they’ve known each other for less than a week. +1

“Her job’s her life.” so why don’t you show that, show? Cha Cha’s motivations make no sense. +1

Hazel and Agnes theme! I love that piece. -1

The way Hazel is holding her looks really funny. I am amused. -1

Ben pressuring Klaus to help Luther despite all the physical harm Luther did to Klaus. I am sinning this again. Why didn’t Ben see this? Or does he just not care? This is either a sin for the show for not remembering where Ben is or a sin for Ben for not caring about his brother. +1

Ben creates a shadow but he is supposed to be invisible. I don’t think that’s how light works. Is Klaus the only person that can see Ben’s shadow? Is Klaus sober enough that he’s starting to make Ben corporeal? How does this work? +1

Right now if anyone looked in that alley, Klaus would look fucking crazy. +1

The guy walking past doesn’t care that Klaus is talking to nobody right now. +1

“You weren't ready to die violently at a young age” yeah. Seventeen, based on the portraits. Why does Ben’s ghost not look bloody? And why does he look like he’s in his late 20s? Ben should still look seventeen right? If Justin Min, age 29, is meant to be playing a 17 year old, then I have some issues. +1

Can Ben sweat? +1

The “if you were in trouble” line is delivered really well. Nice. -1

Ben’s tough love is more of a pep talk now. I like this version of Ben. He’s a little misguided, but he sort of gets the spirit. Heh spirit, Ben, get it? -1

“We should have taken him to the hospital” Allison would be excellent at cinema sins. +1

“We gotta get the shrapnel out.” Yeah, but that is not priority one right now. Is there any pressure on the wound right now? +1

This repeat scene with Diego and Grace makes sense because it’s at a different time. -1

“Seven bars, three strip joints, and a laundromat.” Why the laundromat? +1

Ben’s shadow is even more pronounced now. +1

Convenient rave girl talking to herself about Luther with a good description is convenient. +1

“Holy Shit” said in unison. Nice. -1

Ben and Klaus wouldn’t know about Luther’s monkey transformation, so the reaction checks out but not the description. Maybe “big” was why they decided to check it out? +1

Rave girl thinks Luther is a furry. This is funny. -1

Luther offers Klaus drugs. That’s nice, I guess. -1

Offering your newly sober brother drugs. +2

Ben is honestly a life coach from hell. “Stay strong don’t give into temptation.” Remember your mantras. Meditate. Drink lots of water. +1

Though, that does make sense. A dead guy would be a shitty life coach. +1

What’s with the weird light on the pill that Klaus threw? Is that a secondary power? Being able to find drugs? +1

No one steps on or trips on Klaus, who is crawling around on the floor in a room full of high/drunk/whatever people. +1

Klaus’s flashbacks. Putting my boy through trauma. +1

Dave turns into the pill because the pill symbolises everything holding Klaus back from summoning Dave. Symbolism. -1

Grace is treating Five’s shrapnel wound in his room instead of the infirmary. +1

“Receptionist at her music school” wait. Vanya has another job teaching music? She has three jobs? How in the hell did she have time to do any of this stuff? +1

Allison’s face when Diego says Luther was right. That was amazing. Emmy Raver-Lampman, you genius. -1

The City has no people around right now other than Diego, Allison, and the cops. +1

“Why would you ask that about me?” because you carry pointy things and throw them into people, Diego. That’s why Allison asks if the police are right about you murdering someone. +1

Allison would be excellent at cinema sins. She reiterated my last point. +1

Why did they send that many cops to go arrest one guy? Did they expect the entire academy to fight them? +1

“You killed a cop, asshole.” Rodriguez did the police academy teach you nothing? You can’t say shit like that to a suspect? +1

Finally, someone reads Diego his Miranda rights. Doing the bare minimum is impressive for these cops. +1

Diego, you edgy bastard. Spitting on the ground? Great. Make these people even more pissed off then they already are. +1

Vanya’s power is mostly destructive and Leonard should know this based on the book. So why is he trying to get her to summon a boat? Or destroy a boat? This doesn’t make any sense. +1

“I watched everything my brothers and sister could do ruin their lives.” The Umbrella Academy in a nutshell. +1

Also, if you saw this, then why the fuck did you want powers, Vanya? +1

“Do I stare really hard? Am I supposed to point my fingers?” Actual conversation Ellen Page had with the director somehow made it into the show. +1

This scene is so underrated. It’s so funny watching the music swell and nothing happen. -1

“I look and I feel ridiculous. I have no idea how they did this stuff with a straight face.” -1

“You are so invested in this.” Yeah, girl. Red flag. +1

Convenient burning not obscuring the words of the “terminate Hazel” message is convenient. +1

Do we really need the repeat of Cha Cha getting the message? +1

Cha Cha doesn’t notice Hazel behind the curtain despite being a trained assassin. This is why Five was the best. +1

Hazel doesn’t kill Cha Cha. +1

Netflix subtitles have Ben saying “Oh shit, Luther” when it’s clearly Klaus saying that line. +1

Klaus’s desire to help his brother is stronger than his need for drugs. -1

For whom the bell tolls? The bell tolls for Klaus. +1

Little Girl on a Bike God takes her lines directly from the comics. -1

She plays the pronoun game with Klaus despite Her being all knowing. Or She does this to be an asshole. +1

The barber shop looks like a little barn from the outside. Clever misdirection. -1

“Nite Owl Barber Shop” -1

“Barber banter may offend” no kidding. With Reggie working there, need I say more. -1

The pictures of Luther, Diego, Reggie, Dave, Five, and possibly young Ben on the wall. -1

Five’s hair looks really dumb in the photo aslkdj;gaf. -1

Artful close up shot of Robert Sheehan’s face. -1

Reggie is a dick. “What in God’s name took you so long?” Maybe he didn’t want to see you, asshole. +1

Was Colm Feore actually shaving Robert Sheehan? +1

I am going to sin Reggie being a dick in advance here so I don’t have to sin every line. +20

Klaus brings up an interesting point. How did Reggie know about the apocalypse? +1

Klaus is crying when Reggie says that he killed himself to bring them all back together. On some level, Klaus cares for this man. Empathy. -1

Just as Reggie starts to say something important, he disappears because of course he does. If the characters actually spoke to each other about important things then there would be no plot. +1

Klaus was dead and now he’s not. Why didn’t he wake up in the apocalypse? +1

Kenny’s mom sighting. She’s at the rave. +1

Leonard pays these guys to beat him up. Did he also give them a script? +1

Vanya’s powers activate when the rain starts but only become visible when she fears for Leonard’s life. Good choice. -1

Hazel doesn’t kill Cha Cha. Killing her would help him out in so many ways, yet he doesn’t do it. Or remove his tracker. Or her tracker. Or anything. +1

“I’m in love” You’ve known her for a couple days at best. +1

“Wake up and smell the coffee.” This is part of the reason why I headcanon Five’s coffee addiction came from the Commission. +1

Hazel can’t bring himself to kill Cha Cha after she threatens him and the woman he “loves” because of years of friendship in a job he hated? That she loved? I’m confused. +1

Allison is going after Vanya alone. She is going to this cabin in the woods alone. Horror Movie 101, Allison. +1

Now Ben looks concerned. All it took was Klaus’s literal death. +1

Luther and the rave girl are both too high to consent? I don’t like the vibes. +1

Diego is in jail because of his own stupidity. +1

The police didn’t give him back his sling. The man is walking around with a gunshot wound, assholes. +1

The shot of the eye before the camera focuses on Five symbolizes Five putting the apocalypse before everything. -1

Vanya looks so scared in the hospital. Excellent acting. -1

The shot of the eye also reminds us that the eye exists at all which makes the eye reveal more dramatic. -1

Overall Review:

Okay, so if episode 5 is where the viewer truly learns what’s going on, then episode 7 is when everything truly comes together. All the loose plot threads fit themselves together in this episode. In fact, you could argue that the Leonard/Harold eye reveal is the most important reveal after the whole Vanya has powers reveal. The eye makes sense now. 

You know what? I challenge all the fic writers who read this to write a “watching the show” style fic, but only using this episode. Drop this episode on them in the middle of one of the early episodes and then have them try to stop the apocalypse based on it. Tag me when you’ve posted it and/or gift it to cherriesareneat on ao3. I will probably be writing my own version of this at some point. 

There are a ton of great moments in this episode. The important beats being the Harold/Leonard reveal, Five’s injury, Luther at the rave, Klaus’s death, Reggie’s reveal, Vanya’s powers reveal, and the eye reveal. These were mostly well executed with the exception being Five’s injury. 

Also, let me know if you prefer the long sins/short analysis style I’ve been trying out recently. 

Total: 152

Sentence: What is character motivation? Where am I? I am confused.

[you-guys--are-losers]

Hey I know this is a difficult one, but could you write one where MJ cheats on Pete? The resolution is completely up to you

//Um, are you kidding??? Thank you SO much for sending in this prompt, I love angst! Stay safe and healthy, darling, and I hope you enjoy! 

Stretched Too Thin

Summary: How much weight can a spider’s silk bear? 

Characters: Peter Parker x Michelle Jones

Wordcount: 2,603

Warnings: HEAVY Angst, Cheating, Hurt

“We never kissed.” 

Peter never thought that his life would bring him here: to the center of the apartment he just bought with MJ, standing in the middle of all of the piled boxes and the orange glow from the streetlamps outside the window. A feeling of emptiness sinks in his chest, and it’s more painful than any injury he has ever sustained while running around with the world on his shoulders. 

At least when he is hurt while fighting, there is blood welling from the wound or the throbbing of a bruise: something to remind him he is still alive. As Peter stands here now, he feels like he is floating, tangled in webbing and bobbing above the ground. He can’t move, can’t breathe, can’t think as the hollow numbness in his chest spreads to flood him with nothingness from head to toe. 

It feels cold. 

“We never even met more than three times, and we didn’t… Do anything. We just talked.” 

Peter is looking anywhere but his girlfriend, who is standing two feet away but somehow feels much farther. He knows what he will see if their eyes meet: he will see her face in all of its constancy. He will see dark eyes locked on his own, searching. He will see a carefully composed mask, separating emotions from the truth that is on her lips. 

It is the face he has always loved for its honesty, that has now been forever changed by that same lust for truth. 

“When?” 

He doesn’t remember planning on saying the word, but when it tears from his throat it is husky and constricted, more like a cough than a word. 

The answer meets the air quickly, like a bullet from a loaded pistol. Peter has dodged plenty of those, but he knows that these will land and leave scars forever. 

“Two weeks ago. While you… While you were in Cairo.” 

Another threat, another battle. The perfect place to hunt a Scorpion, and another victory to wear on his chest for his effort. But is it worth it, compared to what he has lost for his time? 

He does not ask anything else, but MJ is speaking anyway. The words are heavy but swift as they leave her lips, each another blow. 

“It was the DA in the Kleinfield case.” 

Peter does not move, blinking blankly as he registers the name of MJ’s latest client. The dusty floorboards of the apartment squeak beneath his feet as he shifts his weight from one foot to the other. He remembers the night they first moved in, sweeping the broken glass and carpet fibers from the wood and putting a blanket over boxes as a tablecloth for their Chinese takeout. He remembers falling asleep in MJ’s arms on their frameless mattress, the sheets slipping off the corners and the chill not quite reaching them so long as they were tangled together. 

He’s cold now. 

“It was a case that I… That I didn’t believe in. They come sometimes, and as a Public Defender you can’t turn them down.” 

“I thought you weren’t supposed to talk about this stuff. Attorney-client privilege.” 

“This is more important than my work, Peter.” 

“Or it’s just getting easier and easier for you to betray people’s trust.” 

There is quiet between them now, and it is not the contemplative, easy silence that he and MJ have perfected to a tee. He knows he’s struck a nerve, and something in Peter pangs with guilt. He never wanted to cause her pain… He remembers looking upon her the first time they kissed, at the worry that had creased her brow at the blood weeping from his cuts, and swearing to himself that he would do his best never to put that expression on her face again. 

Maybe he wasn’t the one who needed to worry. 

“We talked after the case.” There is something tight in her voice now. It reminds Peter of a clenched fist. She is not going to swing with it if she can help it; she will stay calm. The rational one. Always careful, planning her next step. 

Then how the hell did this happen? 

“He… His arguments were clean, honest. He didn’t use cheap emotional appeals or play dirty. I fought my hardest because it’s my job, and he respected that, but he also saved me from having to go home knowing I’d let a guilty woman walk.” 

“So we met for coffee.” 

Peter draws in a sharp breath, turning his back on her. There is a stabbing pain in the back of his throat as he listens, his own hands balling so tightly that his nails jab into his palms. If he’s not careful, his super-strength might cause him to draw blood. Maybe he doesn’t have to be careful. Maybe he can give up control over this one thing; after all, she wasn’t careful. God knows he should be allowed a slip-up. 

“He invited me, and we went to a cafe. We sat, drank coffee. Talked. About work first, then writing, then a few other things. I only went one more time after that, and that was it.” 

“And did he ask you to come again?” 

Peter’s voice is quiet, composed again. The words are terse. MJ draws in a breath, and then she speaks again in a tone matching his. 

“Yes. I said no the couple times he texted after, and then he stopped messaging. Nothing happened, Peter. I’m not proud of it, but it didn’t mean anything.” 

“I’ve known you a long time,” Peter breathes, turning back. Her feet are clad in the Spider-Man slippers that May bought her as a joke last Christmas, and Peter doesn’t look anywhere else. However, the tension she holds in her body extends all the way down to her toes.

“I’ve never known you to say anything you don’t mean.” 

A beat. 

“You have every right to be angry.” 

“Thanks for reading me my rights. Good to know the law is on my side even if you aren’t.” 

For the first time, the tension she is holding creeps to her voice. “I’m sorry. It was a mistake, Peter. I know it’s my fault, I know that sorry won’t make it better. But… I am.” 

“I thought it didn’t mean anything, so what do you have to be sorry for.” 

“Peter.” 

His eyes finally snap up to hers, and it is just as he predicted. They bore into him, deep and dark and piercing. He can see the tangle of hurt and frustration that gleams within them, and her brow is furrowed the same way it is when she is looking over documents for her work, trying to figure out how to make them say what she wants to. 

Well, he won’t. It’s not rational, the pain and sadness that bubble up in him like magma from a split in the earth, but he can’t seem to force them down. Maybe it’s the exhaustion; maybe it’s the weeks spent in the blistering heat pursuing leads to stop a man who hurt thousands. Maybe it’s the lack of sleep or the hunger that is currently gnawing at his stomach. But he can’t keep it all in anymore, not after months of being called away to fight the next big, bad guy. 

He can’t keep it in, not even for her anymore. 

“Why the hell did you tell me?” 

His voice breaks as he looks at her, and he feels a painful stinging in his eyes that throbs in time with the lump in his throat like an accompaniment. 

MJ blinks, and for the first time Peter sees some indication that she is rattled. She makes her living anticipating questions, anticipating responses. He knows what it looks like when she is on the receiving end of an inquiry she isn’t prepared for. 

It doesn’t happen often. 

“It’s the truth.” 

The words are a reflex for her, spoken as if they are the most obvious thing in the world. Maybe they are, to her. A draft breezes through the house, probably something that snuck through the window frames. Peter is already colder than he has ever been, but the little breath of wind ruffles the few curls that have escaped MJ’s messy bun, the ones that are lit orange by the phosphorous lamps. Goosebumps rise on her arms beneath her ratty, Columbia University t-shirt. 

The urge to offer her his jacket is overwhelming, but Peter manages to resist it as the silence stretches on. 

“So you didn’t tell me because you thought you owed it to me,” he murmurs, his voice starting soft. As he continues speaking, it rises slightly in pitch, and though he is not yelling, he cannot keep the pain from his voice. 

“You didn’t tell me because it’s the next step to rebuilding, to moving on. You told me to make yourself feel better.” 

“Peter, you know how I feel about-” 

“About truth? Yeah, I do. You worship it.” 

“Don’t interrupt me.” 

MJ’s eyes have narrowed slightly, and Peter knows this look. It is the same one that crosses her face when a witness is being evasive on cross-exam. 

“I screwed up, Peter. I hurt you, and that’s something I… It’s not what I ever wanted. You can be angry. But don’t speak over me.” 

“So that’s where you draw the line?” 

“What?”

“That’s the boundary you can’t cross? You can have an– an emotional affair with someone, you can text and talk on the phone and meet up with someone behind my back, but the moment I cut you off, that’s where your tolerance runs out?” 

MJ steps towards him, and there is anger in her eyes now. It is desperate, wild, defensive. It doesn’t look that far from sorrow, really. But Peter can tell that she’s clinging at it with the same claws she uses to grasp for truth for those who deserve it, to drag the truth, bloody and bruised, out of the cracks and caves it hides in and into the light. 

“That’s not a valid argument, Peter, and you know it. Those two things aren’t comparable. It’s a fallacy of logic.” 

“That’s your problem with what I’m saying?” 

He takes a step closer, too, and his voice rises to pure, broken desperation as his shoulders slump. 

“I can tell you I’m hurt and frustrated and-and you’re concerned with the validity of my argument’s premises?” 

“No. I can tell you’re overwhelmed and lashing out, and I’m trying to focus you on where that hurt really comes from.” Her voice is collected, but only just; her eyes are pleading, but she has not let down the wall she had up the moment he walked in the room. 

“I’m not one of your witnesses, MJ!” 

The statement bursts from him, and for some odd reason Peter almost feels like laughing as he brings his hands up between him, clutching with clawed fingers at the air as if he is trying to grip onto nothing. 

“You can’t set me up in front of you to extract what you want me to say!” 

“I’m not trying to do that, Peter! You’re not a witness, I’m not– you’re so much more than my work to me, Peter. I love you.” 

“If I’m more than your work, then how did this happen?” 

“I was alone, Peter!” 

The words burst from her lips, and they’re the first thing Peter can tell she really did not mean to say. In an instant, his face clears of emotion. Everything just feels heavy, as if the effort of even maintaining an expression is too much. 

“I didn’t mean to say that.” 

“No, keep going.” His words are monotone, robotic.

A pause, in which the only sound is the rattling of the thin glass windowpanes and the whining of the house’s old, weary bones. 

“I… I missed you, Peter.” 

“I was gone for three weeks.” 

“Please let me talk.” 

Peter purses his lips, eyes not leaving her face. There is something pleading in it now, something that twists his heart like a dagger to the chest.

“I… I know it was only three weeks. But I just-” MJ’s face tenses, and her lips shrug downwards as she swallows, trying to find the words. 

“I missed you before that. You’re so selfless, Peter, and I’ve always struggled with the fact that I’m… I’m never going to be able to match how good you are.” 

Peter feels the stinging in his eyes intensify. His face is cold, unfeeling. 

“Always helping, always putting your life on the line. Morocco, Berlin, Egypt, Italy, you just– You change the world every day. And when you come back, I can see the ghost of the parts you give away to those people.” 

Marble. He is marble. 

“And I help people, I’m not trying to diminish that. But it isn’t–it’s not black-and-white, it’s not… It’s not simple. I don’t get to leave the people I helped, knowing I made their life better.” 

Tears spark in her eyes, and she does not bother to address them as one slips free. Her face does not change. “I get to be told that… That I’m helping the villains. The ones who did it, and who are trying to get away with it. For all the good people I help, there are the ones who are guilty, and I’m-I’m good, Peter. I’m good at what I do.” 

“Good for you.” 

“Please.” 

The streetlamps turn the tears the color of liquid gold, orange and glowing in the dim light. 

“I couldn’t look myself in the eye in the mirror. I couldn’t look at all of the things that… That were here, reminding me of high school and college and the person who wanted to make the world a better place, not turn cheaters and liars and oppressors back into it.” 

“So I told Harry about it. I told him, and I… I let things go farther than they should. I did it. I did it, because I couldn’t look into the eyes of the man I love and tell him that– that for every bad guy he’s put away, there’s one I’ve released.” 

Her voice breaks, and Peter finds himself taking a step closer. He wants to wrap his arms around her, let her bury her face in the crook of his neck so that her curls tickle his cheek. He wants to watch one of the Planet Earth documentaries that they watch after a bad day, to eat cannoli from their favorite bakery tangled up in the quilt May gave them for their five-year anniversary. 

He wants to look into those eyes, through which hope pierces the tears, and to tell her that everything is okay. 

But he’s tired… So tired. The kind of tired that life inspires and nothing but time can erase. 

And even then, there’s still a smudge on the paper. 

Peter stares into her eyes for one moment, the broken feeling in his chest only growing like a fault line to his heart. He catches his breath, and then he is turning, shrugging back on the shoes that he had slipped off by the door. 

“I’m going to May’s for the night.” 

“Peter.” 

“I understand, Michelle.” 

“I know you do.” Her voice breaks then, and she doesn’t move. It is quiet for another moment longer. “But I was hoping…” She doesn’t finish the sentence. 

“I know,” he breathes, his hand lingering on the knob. He tries to swallow the pulsing lump in his throat, and the words that follow catch after the unsuccessful attempt. 

“I was, too.” 

Taglist: @eniemeanie @inlovewithtoomanythings @booksarelife-stuff @AlexanderThyGreat @flawless-tlc @heynowitsafangirl @but-saving-what-we-love @haurasha @friendly-spoodermin @lundya366 @nicolewithasoul @1am9root @spiderkaren

[techouspeaks]

Puzzleshipping: My Most Hated Shipping

Now before anyone tries to flag me or send me hate mail or both, look and read before you get mad. Also, if you do love this shipping, that’s perfectly fine. I have nothing against you. I’m not saying people who enjoy this shipping are bad people or stupid nor do I wish any ill fated action on them. None of that. This is just my personal gripe with this shipping.  I am ranting it here, on my page, on my blog. Not attacking anyone personally about it. I know how loved this shipping is, I may not get it but okay I‘m just sharing my views, to share a different perspective.

All I ask anyone is to read this with an open mind. Everyone is gonna have a different opinion. This is more so my reasons why I hate this ship for reasons of both sharing opinions and also as away to get off my chest.

To start off there are many reasons why I absolutely despise Puzzleshipping and some reasons are ones that fans probably heard a lot. If you dunno what Puzzleshipping is for followers new to my blog or this subject, it’s the shipping or pairing of YugiXYami/Atem in Yugioh Duel Monsters.

First is the whole Yami/Atem and Yugi look alike and are possibly related, thus getting into um inappropriate (family romance) levels.  (I’m honestly trying not to get this censored by tumblr). True, it’s never stated whether or not Yami/Atem and Yugi are related, except in one video game which is not canon to the series. 

Honestly, you can’t blame people for feeling like this shipping goes into that territory. They look exactly alike. If you had a stranger who knew nothing of Yugioh and they saw some questionable fan art of the two, it’s only natural that they would think fans are into inter-family relationships and think “What the actual hell?” 

When I was first really into the internet at a high school age, that was my main shock of the relationship because I’m like “Aren’t they related?”. I know this is still debatable but even then I’m like “Kinda creepy”.

Another obvious one is that Yugi blushes or gets more flustered around women. He is never this way around men. He’s never shy around men and especially Yami. Shoot, the moment a woman hands out sample ad brochures for Duke’s shop, Yugi blushes at her. Obviously, he doesn’t know her but still flusters around her since she’s pretty, indicating a more well obvious attraction to the opposite sex. Not to mention when Yugi is kissed by Rebecca and when Tea gets obviously jealous.

 Yami on the other hand, I would argue he’s even asexual or even aromantic because he doesn’t seem that remotely interested in anyone. Maybe, Mana but even that is still debatable. He cares for people sure, but never shows that much of an interest in that kind of way. He protects Yugi and of course, cares for him but the way he’s does so is more of a brother or father figure looking after their brother/son. It’s protective love but not romantic. He doesn’t want to kiss Yugi or show anything that would indicate a romantic relationship. In fact, he even encourages Yugi to go after Anzu in the Japanese version. Most of this over protective attitude stems for the fact Yami feels guilty for dragging Yugi and his friends in his personal endeavors that can be dangerous, which often Yami states through out the series.

Now, I’m not going to go on with superficial and typical reasons that are often heard of when hating on this ship. I’ll just get to my main gripe about it and it’s a very deep reason for hating it. It’s my inner core of why I hate this ship. This shipping is the top, number one shipping of any series I can’t stand and here is why.

I honestly believe Puzzleshipping goes against what the story of Yugi Mutou is about and even who Yugi is as a character. The story of Yugioh Duel Monsters and generally Yugi’s personal story is about growing up. Yugi becoming an independent, strong, individual that can hold up his own in personal fights. Yami helps Yugi along, first as an entity that Yugi isn’t aware of yet but feels the presence of. As time goes on and he realizes who Yami is, at first he’s afraid because of what Yami does to Kaiba. He goes against Yugi’s wishes to not hurt Kaiba, but thanks to Anzu/Tea, Yugi stops Yami.  After he vows to not go against Yugi’s wishes ever again, Yugi begins to trust Yami and become good friends, realizing that he is the confident entity that’s been protecting Yugi and helping him stand against tough foes, as well as gain the confidence to make friends.

Yami of course, goes against Yugi’s wishes again when he decides to use the Seal of Orichalcos against Rafael, though ultimately regrets this after Yugi pushes Yami and gets sealed away instead.  Though this leads to Yugi and Yami in a heated duel, that results in Yugi explaining that it was for Yami to finally defeat the darkness within his heart, thus allowing Yugi to help Yami grow this time. Yugi continues to lend in the strength that Yami needs as Yami did for Yugi during his times of needs.

Now after explaining all that, it does seem like Puzzleshipping is legit, right? Not really. See, my gripe and why I say Puzzleshipping goes against it is how the fandom depicts Yugi in Puzzleshipping. When the time came and Yami had to be sent to the past, this was basically Yugi growing up and moving forward to continue on with being his own person, while Yami learns to be a strong, individual leader that his people need. 

The way Puzzleshipping often depicts Yugi is the exact opposite to that. PS often depicts Yugi as a helpless damsel or someone that can’t live without Yami. The shipping seems to throw away all the development that Yugi gained, making Yugi look more helpless and more needing a man than Snow White and Sleeping Beauty! I know Yugi isn’t always strong and always confident but my goodness, he’s definitely come along way and I just feel that most PS works just throw this development way like it was nothing but garbage.

Same with Yami. Puzzleshipping often displays Yami as the hero that rescues Yugi or seductive flirty person, which he is not. While there are some that depict Yugi and Yami similar to the series, that’s also a problem too. It depicts Yugi and Yami before they grew and learn the lessons they learned.

Also why I am not showing puzzleshipping artwork in this post is because that would probably be considered art theft and I don’t want this blog flagged! Google it yourself!

Yugi is a character that in my youth, I looked up to a lot. When I was in middle school, I was bullied a lot and wish I had a large group of friends to stand by me. I probably wouldn’t have survived school without seeing Yugi during his struggles, showing he can be strong but also kind and accepting, thus giving me hope to find someone equally as kind and accepting.

Put it short, Yugi, his story and his friends helped me out during the toughest times as a kid. So seeing Yugi depicted as this prissy, helpless princess that needs his Egyptian Prince is just down right insulting to the character, I highly respect. Yeah, he’s fictional but again, he’s a character I grew up, highly respecting and looking up to as an example of a person I wished to be and a person that I wanted to be with. (Though I’m happy for Tea/Anzu, since she’s also really awesome.)  Yami is too though he got a bit emo for my tastes down the road, he’s still a character that certainly deserves some respect as well.

It’s sorta like how people can’t stand remakes and reboots, despite this is just pure fandom fluff. Yeah, nothing is gonna stop it but that doesn’t stop people from feeling the way they feel about it and wanting to rant about it now and then and I’m not saying that all Puzzleshipping works are like what I described, but a majority of them are, especially in artworks.

Puzzleshipping just ruins the long, struggling, development of our two main leads and what are a great, strong and reliable individual characters. The whole point of the Dark Side of Dimensions movie was for Yugi to settle with his conflict he had when Yami left him and finally move on and I just feel like Puzzleshipping throws this type of development out the window, for a more “Kawaii-ish feels” or often from my perspective, to just add more gay to Yugioh. 

I get there are AUs and people are allowed to have their fun and if I insulted fans well, sorry but call it even because I can’t search Yugi Muto without Puzzleshipping work being in my face and there’s only so much soft blocking I can do.  I’m not at all saying that people can’t ship these two because yeah, like I’m the queen of the world! Hell no! It’s also not like I don’t have a few questionable ships and shippings a lot of people may not agree with myself.

 (Drawing and Violet, child in the middle by me. Angel Dust and Vaggie belong to VivziePop)

Like I said, I’m just giving my reasons for why I personally hate it, why it ticks me off and why I think it’s one of the worst shippings in terms of pairings that are otherwise not that morally bad. There are far worse shippings that are more obvious on why they’re bad, but this one just gets under my skin for personal reasons, as I stated.

Think of this post as a dive into a different perspective, if you will. The goal isn’t to change the minds of puzzleshippers but to give a different point of view, especially to those that may not fathom why someone would hate this shipping. As I said, on the surface, Puzzleshipping seems legit but on the deeper levels, it’s not as wonderful as it may seem, at least to people like me and at least the majority of works that show case it.

I hope this rant though long, is at least informative and shares light on personal feelings that I certainly have and some who hate this shipping as much as I do also have. As stated, ship who you want. I mean, I obviously can’t tell you what to ship and to not ship. If it makes you happy, go for it. As said, just wanted to share my thoughts and my reasons. Obviously there’s worst things out there but everyone has a pet peeve or something that maybe mundane but is annoying or even infuriating to them.

So, creative question to anyone who reads this, what is a shipping you really can’t stand and why? Is there a shipping you hate? Also, what’s a shipping you like? My personal favorites are SpiderMoth (Angel Dust and Vaggie from Hazbin Hotel), Peachshipping (though I see it as canon), TomaXChiffon from Futago Hime and CloseXHaruka/Cure Flora and ShutXTowa/Cure Scarlet from Go Princess Precure.

[heysawbones]

Congratulations, Me; You’re Slow

Surprise, me! You’re literally slow. As in, your processing speed - the rate at which your brain takes in stimuli and makes sense of it - is below average. Quantitatively. The average is 100. Yours is 94. 

Three years ago, I was given a cognitive battery. I’ve had an unusually high number of these in my life. Most people will never have even one. I’ve had four; one to assess for the Gifted and Talented program in kindergarten, one to reassess for the same when I changed school districts, one to assess for ADHD, and yet another, the latest, to assess for the same, as the prior records were lost. ADHD runs in my family, but I seem to have been one of those kids who compensated really, really well. Was I organized? Not even a little. Lose things? Constantly. I procrastinated like a motherfucker, too, but it was usually easy to make up the work in class before it was due. I would drive hard to complete the GT project-based assignments at the last minute, and always did fine. Better than fine, even. Sure, I used to obsessively braid yarn or draw in class, but nobody had any reason to suspect I would have issues with things like maintaining attention or executive function later on. If they did, I never heard about it. Even today, it’s not obvious; people associate a certain flightiness with ADHD and that isn’t me. People associate a lot of things with ADHD that aren’t me. This has been so much of an issue, in fact, that despite meeting diagnostic criteria over and over, as admitted by clinicians, people have been hesitant to give me the diagnosis. The argument deployed tends to be: you have all the symptoms, but you also have chronic depression, which has the same symptoms, so we’ll just go with that one. The underlying rationale, the unspoken answer to “why can’t it be both? they often co-occur” seems to be: you are too articulate and self-aware to have ADHD. It boils down to you’re too smart to be slow. 

This is unfair to me, and demonstrably untrue, besides. I recognized this long ago. I am the one who has to figure out some way to compensate for the symptoms. Yes, the symptoms of depression and ADHD overlap (especially if you are depressed for a long time), but the treatment of those symptoms is not the same. I have been in treatment for depression for over ten years. Am I better than I was? Unquestionably so. 

Do I function at a level sustainable for an adult not on disability? Can I get places on time? Can I catch a plane without showing up 14 hours early, lest I show up 14 hours late, or at the wrong airport entirely, instead? Do I remember things people told me yesterday? Can I go to Target without the possibility of getting caught up in a weird cognitive trap where I want bananas, but am too guilty to buy them unless I do the rest of my grocery shopping, which I don’t have the mental energy for? Do I remember enough of my meds when I go on trips? Can I stop persistently putting things in places that make no sense, and then having no idea that I’ve done it 15 seconds later? Can I manage an adult’s schedule? Can I remember to pay bills on time? Can I remember what I’ve spent money on in the last week? Can I remember what I ate this morning? Can I hold down a job that is, honestly, below my abilities in many ways?

The answer is, of course, sometimes yes. Distressingly frequently, it is no. Where travel is concerned, it is always no, and somehow, I have managed to show up at the wrong airport entirely more than once. 

Yes, I recognize that these are problems all people have, to some degree, at some time in their lives. If people are willing to act on the belief that I am too smart to be slow, why is it that when I account for my concerns and attempt to articulate the impact they have on my life, I am suddenly not self-aware anymore, and am only overreacting to what obviously MUST be the same degree of these problems that other reasonable adults experience? Why am I credible in other areas, but not this one? If I am so smart, why is it assumed that I’ve failed to account for my own emotional bias when gauging the difficulty I am experiencing? Why is it more satisfying to assume that I am not trying hard enough, then it is to accept that a smart, self-aware person may, in fact, have some kind of Brain Problem that, really, there is no logical contraindication to, and much evidence, for? When I do the responsible thing and insistently pursue all reasonable options to address my mental and neurological health, with the goal of being a functional contributor to society, why is this so persistently reduced to a fetish specifically for an ADHD diagnosis? I’m smart when it’s convenient for others, but not when it comes to the ability to draw cause and effect relationships from my own behavior, and make comparisons between those and the behavior of others? If I got treatment that worked, I wouldn’t care what the diagnosis was. Come the fuck on. I’m tired of this.

-----

Anyway. I sat down with the results of that three-year-old cognitive battery. I’ve read the summary before; it’s peppered with lines like

“There is also considerable other evidence in this testing consistent with a diagnosis of ADHD”

“In my experience, some individuals who are very bright are able to compensate for some of their disability”

“this distribution of index scores is very typical of individuals with ADHD”

“Many of the behaviors she describes are certainly typical of individuals who suffer from ADHD. Unfortunately, the coexisting history of chronic major depression and PTSD make that differential diagnosis based on history alone difficult” 

When I first read that last year, I was shocked because the therapist who requested the cognitive battery, only expressed surprise that I was “very smart” and said that my “scores were fine.” When I later confronted him after having read the summary myself, he merely admitted that some of my scores were “lower than others”. He never entertained the possibility that I had ADHD, which in an of itself, wouldn’t have been a problem if he’d been willing to just try the treatments for it, since clearly the two industrial-strength doses of antidepressants I was already on, were not cutting it. Alas, he was not, and it wasn’t until after he retired that the issue was addressed again.

Surprisingly, I was not the person who addressed it. When my therapist-MD retired, I needed at least a primary care provider to manage my medications. Since the appointment was for psych med management, I had to fill out a bunch of related intake forms - you likely know the kind. While looking them over, my new doctor peered up at me and asked, “Has anybody ever suggested that you might have ADHD?” I was taken aback by the question and wasn’t sure where to start. Them? Asking me? if I have ADHD? She asked me? 

I told her that I’d had two full cognitive batteries done, and that both of them concluded roughly the same thing: yes, all the symptoms are there, no, we do not know if it’s ADHD because there’s too much background noise from other psych issues. Without skipping a beat, she said the most amazing thing to me: 

Well, whatever it is, you have the symptoms, so let’s treat them.

God. Why didn’t someone say that years ago? Diagnoses are human constructs; we use them to group symptoms that tend to occur together, when they’re thought to have the same causes. Depression and ADHD have many (but not all) of the same symptoms, but the overlap doesn’t qualify as a diagnosis because the causes are assumed to be different. I think we often forget that diagnoses are containers for commonalities that we use to make talking about medicine easier, not necessarily biological phenomena unto themselves. If you remember that they are containers - a sort of conceptual shorthand - then it follows that if one treatment for a set of symptoms isn’t solving the problem, you ought to try a different treatment often used for the same symptoms, even if the minutiae of diagnosis means you aren’t sure you can apply the diagnosis typically associated with that second treatment*.

I am now on Vyvanse. Does it magically solve my problems? No. Does it help? Yes. I am in a much better position to actually address the bad habits and coping mechanisms someone like me builds up over the years. The notable insomnia should wear off over time, and besides, as a person with an existing sleep disorder, having fucked up sleep isn’t new. It’s a price I’m willing to pay.

-----

Anyway. So I sat down with the results of that three-year-old cognitive battery, because I had to dig them up for my new therapist. Instead of reading the summary, I dug into the raw numbers: the related tests are the Weschler Adult Intelligence Scale IV (WAIS-IV), and the Weschler Memory Scale III (WMS-III). I couldn’t find sufficient guidance on interpreting the WMS-III, so I’ll stick with the WAIS-IV scores:

At first inspection, these scores do look “fine”. Anything within 10 points of 100 in either direction qualifies as “average”, even if 100 is “the average”. But on further reading, both in the summary and out: 

-Examination of these results reveals considerable significant variability between various functional capacities, with VCI of 141 a full 3 standard deviations above PSI of 94.** Problems with both working memory and processing speed impacted her overall IQ considerably, bringing her Full Scale IQ down to 120 (from 133). 

-A significant difference among subtest scores can suggest a problem in the particular skill being tested; this might underlie a learning disability. A significant difference among standard Index Scores might also indicate a learning disability, ADHD

-when I see a difference in IQ scores such that the verbal and nonverbal scores are far superior to the processing speed score, I try to discern what could be causing the discrepancy.

-LD diagnoses are also reliant on score discrepancies. On the WAIS, a gifted individual with ADHD may look like this.

Verbal comprehension - 132

Perceptual Reasoning - 129

Processing Speed - 97

Working memory - 101

Absolute scores aren’t the only diagnostic tool. Relative scores are also important. For example, average scores across the board wouldn’t be indicative of a working memory or processing speed issue, whereas great discrepancies between those parameters and others, is - even if the working memory and processing speed scores themselves are the same in both examples. What I’m saying is, it’s right there. It’s in the numbers. There’s no wiggle room. My old therapist saw these numbers, and not only did he choose not to act on the information, he pointedly refused to do so. If he hadn’t retired, I’d look into suing for malpractice. It’s in the god damn numbers, my dude. I don’t care what you want to call it, the deficit is right. there.

What did I ever do to him? Did he just... not believe ADHD is real? More to the point, did he think I somehow, without knowing the ins and outs of the WAIS-IV, faked the deficits or something? Really, guy, what the hell?

-----

Do I feel bad about being slow? Honestly, no. I might have if I found this out 10 years ago, or in circumstances wherein that reality didn’t perfectly explain aspects of my experience that other people have been prone to downplay, or dismiss entirely. Instead, it’s the closest I can get to scientific verification that I’m not just losing my shit over nothing over here; that something has, in fact, gone awry, and may always have been awry. I couldn’t compensate forever (though the ways I’ve done it are many, and in retrospect, interesting) and now I’m on the other end of it, trying to rebuild. I am, as I like to say, building an exoskeleton - something that will hold me up when my brain insists on faceplanting. I’m just grateful there’s someone out there who isn’t too caught up in the semantic navel-gazing of diagnosis, to help.

*There are obvious exceptions here, such as when the two diagnoses have causes whose treatment is contraindicated in the other diagnosis. This is not the case with depression and ADHD.

** You see that Percentile Rank of 34? That means I performed better than 34 percent of people my age, at least according to the test sample. That’s. Not great.

[seethedivide]

I really love your blog, especially because you give such detailed and kind answers and I am looking for some kind of answers, so I hope it's okay if I spam your inbox a bit. I think this ask is going to be a bit long, so I apologise in advance. So I went through your Vulpes tags the last few months and I think you mentioned that the interpretations of Vulpes' character is different from canon!Vulpes, but you can't pin exactly down his overall personality. Has this changed now a bit? I mean, do

I mean, do you have a better idea now what Vulpes’ overallcharacter entails? I, in all honesty, didn’t, I really don’t understand muchabout him to be honest. One anon also asked you about Joshua Graham and womenand I wonder what your stance on this is in regards to Vulpes as well. On theone hand, he has to be sexist, no single doubt about that. This attitude wasingrained in him since childhood after all. Not to mention that he comparesNitpon as a “town of whores.” And there was also a quote, either direct or indirect, where he putsprostituites on the same pedestal as murderers or the likes (it might have beenin Nipton). However, he also praised Martina’s skills in the Finger ofSuspicion and he only praised Caesar and Lanius so far (although praisingLanius was more of a farce, I believe - he seems to detest this guy). But onepoint doesn’t have to override the other one, of course, and that’s certainlynot the case with Vulpes. And then again, it was Curtis who knew Martina, somaybe Vulpes impression of herstems from Curtis’ point of view (which is kind of interesting - until oneremembers that he unleashed the Fiends on Camp MCC and was probably full awarethat Betsy or other women would be raped during that attack). And what makesyou think he attacked Nipton? I know, it should be obvious, one because todiminish the NCR’s morale and because of his stance on hedonism and crime, buteven here I think Vulpes’ only reason was “might is right” more thananything. After all, he was pretty hypocritcal in everything he stated. Disloyalty?Vulpes arranges a contract with the Omertas, Khans and the Fiends and thenbetrays them (the Fiends might be an exception, as they were annihilated byCaesar’s orders due to his dissappointment and disregard of them). Prositution?The Legion revels in sexual slavery, and unlike Rose and Sylvia, many women inthe Legion are pressured into it. Gambling? Okay, the Legion officially barelygambles, but there’s still some hypocrisy there. And about the disloyalty part- he send two of his own Legionnaries to their death and didn’t even informthem about it - no, he even implied that they would come out alive. There was aletter Vulpes gave them where he even mentioned that they should report back tothem after they opened the radiactive barrels, knowing full well that theywon’t survive this mission. But I think I can say one certain thing about him.He views everyone, and possibly even himself, as a tool. And as a Jack of Clubshe is particularly set to realise his dreams and agenda in an almostdelusional fashion. Sorry for writing so much and thanks for reading my ask(it’s long and baseless as hell), regardless if you can/want to answer it. Oh,and just one more thing: According to Boxcars, he drew a lottery ticket foreach person’s fate, but when the ticket for mayor Steyn came up, he simplyburned him. Boxcars mentioned only three kind of fates Niptoners would face:crucifiction, decapitation and slavery. But nothing about burning people, whichprobably means that Vulpes had a special kind of hatred towards Steyn andthought these kind of means were not punishment enough for him. Ironically,Steyn’s fate was the only one not determined by a lottery ticket. Not tomention that Vulpes stated that only “some are guilty, but not all ofthem” and then put them all through his kind of twisted game. Possibly,because he thought they wer guilty by association?

Hey! Thank youfor your long, well thought out question.

I have to sayright at the beginning that I have never been a Legion fan and therefore haven’texplored their concept as extensively as some other aspects of the game. Vulpeshasn’t been on my mind very frequently, so perhaps my answer won’t satisfy you.

Vulpes Inculta and Identification With The Aggressor 

It appears,however, that my interpretation of Vulpes is not shared by many people, or atleast I know of a few that are sure that I am wrong. I perceive Vulpes as afundamentally brainwashed character, brainwashed to the extent of losing hisidentity. Most people appear to believe that Vulpes is too smart to be in sucha position and prefer to think of him as a master mind, as a tactical genius.However, my interpretation does not necessarily deny that he is indeed a geniusin what he does. I am just saying that he does it not because of his reasons,but because of the reasons that other people have put in his head. I see him asa master mind, but not as a grey emissary that is capable of manipulatingeveryone and everywhere, including Caesar, just so he can achieve his goals.

And since we arespeaking of his goals – what are those, exactly? Is there some indication,somewhere, that he has goals that differ from those of the Legion in general?

My problem withthe characterization of Vulpes in many fanworks is that he becomesall-powerful, some  fans going as far asto suggest that he could lead the Legion by manipulating its leaders. And I’mjust saying: no, he cannot, he cannot because he will not do it, and he willnot do it because he is on a leash he doesn’t want to put off.

Now, you couldsay that everyone in the Legion is on a leash – for example, so is Antony. Butthrough your conversations with him, you learn that there is some not-so-deephidden bitterness and sadness lingering in him because of what happened to histribe when the Legion came. That is a man that is not brainwashed completely,he is still remembering something he shouldn’t remember, and thinking somethinghe shouldn’t think. He is on a leash he cannot put off, and he is painfullyaware of that. But Vulpes, it appears to me, is too far gone and does not seeany motivations beyond his loyalty to Caesar.

Vulpes is, forme, a character that exemplifies a situation where natural intelligence meetsmadness and a history of brainwashing. He is intelligent, but he uses it forthe gain of others, and he is brainwashed to obey a faction, but he is enjoyingthe process because he gets to inflict pain and satisfy his own need forviolence, as shown by Nipton. Nipton showed quite well that he was enjoyingthis moment – he put his mind, his creativity and his energy into creating it.He didn’t have to do it. He didn’t have to create a lottery. He could haveraided the city and burned everyone, but instead he came up with this elaborategame that ultimately just satisfied his need for morbid displays and cruelty.He was like a little kid that tortures lost kittens.

However, he doesnot go off to kill and torture anyone he sees, no, as you have mentioned inyour question, he is aware that Nipton deserved it, he hated Nipton with aburning passion. And why? Why Nipton? Because it is Nipton that goes againstevery moral rule the Legion imposes. He hates what the Legion hates, and oh boywill he have fun with those who have gained the Legion’sdisapproval. And he will be smart about it, and creative, and he will beterrifying because of this very reason: because he is a man that cannot beconvinced to stop doing what he does, because he will continue doing it with anappalling kind of cruelty, and because at the same time you will know that heis not just a madman that can be put down – he is way too smart to be just mad. Madmen aren’t automaticallyterrifying. They become terrifying when they have power and a reason to do whatthey do, as well as the wits to carry out what they have planned. And this isVulpes for me.

Now you can startthinking about why he is like that. You will ultimately begin to ask thequestion many people have asked about serial killers. Intelligent, mad peoplethat think that they are doing what they are doing for a reason? Does thatsound familiar? Intelligent, mad people that get away with murder. Can theirbehavior be explained by their past? Their childhood? When did they go mad? Didthey go mad or were they born that way?

What sets Vulpesapart from many other Legionnaires is the way he inflicts pain, and the way heseeks the displays of cruelty. I believe that even fellow Legionnairessometimes feel like his actions are a bit too much – but are too afraid toadmit it because Vulpes doesn’t do anything bad to those who don’t deserve it,according to Legion laws. So isn’t he acting just, whatever he does? And whatdoes the fact that they are uncomfortable about his actions say about them?Aren’t they just as at fault as the victims, then? 

Anyhow, other Legionnaires’cruelty is more functional. They show cruelty because that is the way of theLegion, and people get used to being cruel, and begin to see it as their rightand their obligation. But Vulpes is creativeabout it, his cruelty is more than functional. It is his nature thatcompels him to do the things he does, it is coming right from his cold, coldheart. It’s his wish and his desire, and he is living these moments. Out of all the Legionnaire’s that come tomind, only Joshua Graham and Caesar, as far as I can tell, have shown a similarbehavior. Joshua has struggled with this dark side of him for a long time, andhe is still struggling – never quite managing to suppress his anger. Caesar hasbuilt a whole nation on cruelty, and no man that is not enjoying it would beable to do that. Joshua is a bit different from Caesar and Vulpes because hiscruelty seems to be directly tied to his all-consuming anger, whereas those twoseem to be just enjoying it – Caesar in a more controlled fashionthan Vulpes.

We don’t knowmuch about Vulpes’ biography, other than that he was brought into the Legion asa child. Needless to say, the events that followed the arrival of Legion werebound to leave a mark on his psyche, one that cannot be healed. He survived andwitnessed terrifying brutality, and itshaped him into the man we see today. I think, the Legion is a conduit forVulpes’ personal need for cruelty, but at the same time, the Legion is perhaps whatcreated this need in the first place. I believe, this is what you callidentification with the aggressor in psychoanalysis. It describes aprocess in which an abused individual starts identifying with the aggressor,rejecting their own personality and experiences and eventually moldingthemselves into an aggressor themselves (though not always). There is nodenying the fact that the childhood of the man who we came later to know asVulpes Inculta was terribly traumatic. He likely lost every adult he has everloved, along with most of his friends, he experienced the physical and mentalbrutality of the Legion, and at the same time he had to believe that all ofthat was just and right, and that his pain was invalid and unreasonable. Inessence, his experiences and his view of the world were invalidated, everythinghe knew was right was wrong, and everything wrong that happened was,supposedly, right, truth no longer existed. His world was quite literallyturned upside down. Like many other children that were captured by the Legion,he went though a process where he had to use multiple defense mechanisms to beable to simply survive. And he didsurvive. More than that, he, did better than most of the captives, became aDecanus, and later – a Frumentarius. My guess is that he was able to separatehis feelings from himself so successfully (dissociation) that it allowed himnot only to survive the first few years but also to rise through the ranks, allthe while denying whole chunks of his personality – or what used to be hispersonality. I think he did it so well and for so long, he became a differentperson. This is where identification comes in.

Here is a excerpt from an article onidentification with the aggressor (and you can read more here):

How does identification withthe aggressor work? The child, straining constantly to decipher and to liveinside the experience of the other person, fills the void left by dissociationof her own feelings and perceptions with an evervigilant, overheated intelligence. In this way, she tries toanticipate the dangers that may come from the attacker so she can head themoff. Ferenczi described the instantaneous precocious development of hypersensitivies, superintelligence, evenclairvoyance, whose purpose is to assess the environment and calculate the bestway to survive. Knowing the aggressor “from the inside” in such a closely observedway allows the child to gauge at each moment precisely how to appease, seduce,flatter, placate, or otherwise disarm the aggressor. Without conscious thought,the child suddenly discovers the precocious abilities that are needed for thejob. Identifying with the aggressor alsoinvolves feeling what one is expected to feel, whether this means feeling whatthe aggressor wants his particular victim to feel or feeling what the aggressorhimself feels. The child may even share in the pleasure that the abusergets from hurting the child: Ferenczi (1932) observed that a traumatized childmay “become so sensitive to the emotional impulses of the person it fears thatit feels the passion of the aggressor as its own. Thus, fear … can turn into …adoration”

In his situation, it might have beeneasier to identify with the aggressor than to retain his own personality. Ifhis tribe was gone, his family dead, and the Legion was all he had, surroundinghim from the East, West, South and North, he might have felt like he had noother choice but to accept that the Legion was his new life and new reality. Therewas no escape and no hope for another life. How do you at the same time acceptthis and think that the Legion is bad? It seems downright impossible, especially for a child. So perhaps the only way to survive isto believe that those people that are hanging from the cross are hanging therefor a reason. And you are not hanging there – also for a reason, the reason beingthat you are a loyal Legionnaire and not a filthy profligate.

Dissociating your own feelings andparts of your personality may be not only adaptive but even necessary becausewhen you have an aggressor as violent and dangerous as the Legion, you have toplay a specific role, and you have to playit well. Not only do you have to play your emotions, you have to believe inthem in order to play them more effectively, because anything else might belife threatening. As Frankel from the article cited above has put it, “you feelwhat you must in order to be convincing in the role that will save you”.

This is why I say that I perceive VulpesInculta (talking of dissociation and rejecting parts of yourself – we don’teven know his real name) as a fundamentally brainwashed character. Brainwashednot in the sense that people have been actively putting thoughts in his head tomold him into a good little soldier; I am talking of brainwashing that hashappened naturally and subconsciously, simply because he needed to survive andfound a very effective way to do so.

Identification with the aggressor is avery common thing. An abused child that is kicking the dog is identifying withthe aggressor, a mother that has been abused as a child and is now doing thesame to her child, is identifying with the aggressor, the infamous StockholmSyndrom is also an example of this phenomenon. Whenever an individual is in aposition of powerlessness and helplessness, identification with the aggressormight take place. Now, if this is such a common thing, and most of the childrenthat have been captured by the Legion have used this defense mechanism, why isVulpes so different from everyone else? Why is he so special, compared toeveryone else? Considering how much of his original personality he has lostafter he has been captured and molded into something else, I doubt that we cansay for sure. But as I mentioned earlier, I think he is an example of asituation where natural intelligence and creativity meet madness andbrainwashing. I highly suspect that he is just a very smart man, and once has been avery smart child. Whether he was emotionally vulnerable before the Legion came,and this is why he turned into what he is, or if it is the other way around andhe was thick-skinned and this is why he was able to survive and rise throughthe ranks – I cannot say. I even think that this is a rather philosophical question.

[emilyplaysotome]

Dating Diaries - Chapter 3 - Taking It Slow

In case you missed it, here are the previous chapters:

Chapter 1 - Chapter 2

For the first time in what felt like months, I’d forgotten all about Shizuo. I wish I could have told you that it was a result of work keeping me busy, but that wasn’t the truth.

At the moment I was too preoccupied to tidy as I looked at my phone which had TalkTime open. Specifically, I looked at the last two messages which were from Makoto Morimachi and Kazumi Kagami.

Mako’s last text read, “You’ll be happy to know that I made my flight (despite not sleeping enough) but what can I say...it was worth it.”

I was reminded of how sweet the sentiment was since below it, Kazumi had sent me something far more direct. 

“I can’t wait to taste you again Sunshine. Good night my darling”.

I let out an embarrassed groan to the empty room, burying my face in my pillow as I thought about the fact that I’d ventured into unknown territory far too quickly with both men, and at the moment was suffering the consequences.

On our first date I’d made it known to Makoto know that if he wanted to hang out again he’d have to be the one to make an effort.

In the past I’d scolded my single girlfriends for being the ones who initiated texts, or even went so far as to ask the guy out.

“That’s his job,” I insisted. “Believe me - if a man likes you he’ll put in the effort.”

“What do you know Emi?” Lady Sachi said. “You’re always in a relationship! You don’t know what it’s like to date these days...”

“It’s true,” Yuri added. “You’ve been off the market so long you have no idea what it’s like out there.”

“Maybe,” I said, throwing back a few more beers, “But I’m telling you right now - if Shizuo and I ever split you won’t see me being the one to send the first text!”

At the time they both laughed at me and rolled their eyes, but as I sat in front of Makoto I watched as he chuckled, clearly amused by how adamant I was about my refusal to make first contact.

“Really? You won’t reach out at all?”

“Nope.”

“What if you really want to talk to me after today?”

“Nope.”

“What if we part ways and your gut is just like - that guy was totally my soul mate!”

“Nope.”

“Ok...what if I lose my phone and your number and can’t reach you?”

I shrugged, and with my best poker face said, “I guess it wasn’t meant to be.”

“Wow - alright,” he’d said unable to hide his amusement. “Noted. I’ll be sure to message you then.”

The next day, it hadn’t been so much as 12 hours since we’d last seen each other when I got a text from him:

I’m supposed to message you first right? Does this mean we can go out again?

You remembered! And yeah...I guess I’ll hang out with you ;)

Great! Friday?

That works for me :)

Ok. I’ll make us a reservation for us at Conte.

Sounds good. I’ll look forward to it.

Yes...I’m excited to see you again.

That last line of his got to me more than I’d ever want to admit.

Here I was, convinced of the fact that all men were liars and cheats and sold on the idea that my rebound guy Kazumi was out there, sleeping with women all across Japan on days which I didn’t hear from him and yet here was Makoto saying something so...dangerous.

What if he was lying, or worse, wasn’t?

Was I in the sort of state that I could open my heart to him having just suffered heartbreak?

As these questions began to pop up I did what any normal girl at work would do and I pushed them way the fuck back down.

I told myself that none of this mattered. It was like I told Lady Sachi and Yuri - a first date is just that, a first date. 

It means nothing.

Anything before 3 dates is fair game. You don’t get your hopes up or give your heart away after such a short time.

With that said, our second date was as good as our first. Better in fact, because we went back to my place and could talk in private.

We’d started the night with a drink at a bar near my office where he met me after work. From there, we had dinner at a restaurant he frequented and then decided to go back to my place for a drink.

We talked about our lives and work goals over the first beer, exes over the second, and by the third we found ourselves pawing at each other like a couple of drunk teenagers. It would be hard for me to recount how much time passed, but I know at several points we joked about how we were definitely “not going to sleep together” seeing as how this was “only the second date.”

And we didn’t.

He left my apartment that night in a state that I’d basically left every boy I dated in high school and college before I’d lost my virginity and with it, my fears about casual sex and intimacy.

Before he left, he asked me if I could see him again in two days (Sunday).

“Mako! We’re supposed to take this slow!” I chided him.

“There’s a full day in there that we won’t hang out, and if you really want to take it slow I won’t even text you...”

He leaned in and kissed me, causing me to give him a little nod, and with that he grinned and kissed me again before heading home.

After he left I opened my TalkTime to see that I had a few messages from Kazumi. At the moment he was in Sendai promoting his book and also speaking at a conference that was going on there.

I suspected that he was out at all hours of the night, being charming and handsome which led me to believe that he was most likely taking a different woman to bed each night. Truthfully, the thought made me a bit jealous despite understanding that I had no right to feel that way - especially considering that I had made a third date with Makoto.

The previous night I’d broken my rule with Kazu and messaged him first (after a few too many beers while watching a film about a womanizer who changes his ways for the right girl - an obvious fallacy of sorts). Upon opening the app, I saw my last message which had lingered, unanswered until now:

I know you’re out and having fun but I just don’t know what it is about you that makes it impossible for me to forget you...

I grimaced upon seeing my over-the-top message to him again, and swallowing my embarrassment, read his replies.

Sunshine...I’m not as popular as you think I am

Sorry for being bad at texting - I can’t keep up with you.

I miss being with you too. It’s an amazing feeling to know that you’re thinking of me.

And I can’t forget you either :)

The narrative in my head of a womanizing Kazumi started to crumble upon reading those messages.

The thing that I’d learned about Kazumi in the time that I’d spent with him was that he was not someone who would tell a bold faced lie. His brand of being deceitful was to lie by omission - ignoring questions of mine, or being secretive about his behavior.

The fact that he wrote out “I’m not as popular as you think I am” indicated to me that he knew what I was doing.

He knew that while apart my brain had spun itself into a frenzy, concocting a narrative about this man who was not tied to me, or anyone and he was letting me know that my story about him was wrong. 

There was this one time, maybe the second or third time we hung out in real life together (which meant we’d chatted on text for three to four weeks at that point) where he’d asked me point blank what I thought he did when we weren’t together.

“I don’t know!” I’d exclaimed at the time. “This! Just with...like...eight other women?!”

My response had caused him to laugh a guttural, belly laugh that was so earnest it made tears form in the corners of his eyes as he reached for me and pulled me against him, hugging me as his body continued to convulse with laughter.

“Sunshine. You make me out to be some sort of man whore!”

“Well...aren’t you? You told me you were a very experienced man!”

“I did, but I’m not what you think I am.”

“Tell me honestly,” I said, pulling away and looking him square in the eyes. “Even if it hurts me - right now I have no expectations. I just ask that you’re honest with me. Can you do that?”

His laughter subsided and he nodded.

“Of course Sunshine.”

“So...if I’m ever going to consider being with you I need to know. Are you sleeping with someone else? Have you been tested recently?”

“There’s one other woman I’m seeing. Just one. Not eight. She’s closer to my age and we’ve met up a few times. And I will get tested if you’re really worried about that.”

We didn’t speak about her again. 

The next time I saw him, we slept together and I didn’t regret a thing.

It had been almost a month since I’d seen Kazumi in person as I got ready for my third date in 5 days with Makoto. 

Since sending those sweet texts to me, Kazumi was making more of an effort to keep up with me. Suddenly I was getting messages like, “Morning Sunshine - did you sleep well last night?” and “What are you up to today my dear?”

I continued to respond as I normally would, seeing as how whatever I currently had with Makoto was super new and if I was to believe my own rule this date meant nothing in the grand scheme of things. 

Only time would tell if he stuck around or not, and at the moment Kazumi had proven to me that he was not fading away like I thought he would.

As a result, if I had to choose between the two of them right now...my heart was leaning towards Kazu, even though I knew that longterm he was probably not the guy for me. 

Logic is a funny thing when it comes to matters of the heart - you simply cannot reason with yourself.

Still, I felt a bit guilty as I left my apartment to meet Mako for dinner. Yet the second I saw him all of those feelings went out the window and I found myself completely in the moment with him - laughing and slurping and not self conscious at all about the mess I was making.

Once again, he walked me home and came in for a drink, which led to us on my bed, which led to me not caring that this was only date 3 and in the grand scheme of things meant very little...

...I wanted to roll the dice.

It was very unlike me to sleep with two men that I barely knew and wasn’t in a monogamous relationship with. It didn’t matter that with both of them I’d done the grown-up, responsible thing and addressed the fact that I hadn’t been tested since before Shizuo, and that he had cheated on me. 

I disclosed that I had an upcoming appointment, and I didn’t suspect anything was wrong but there was still a non-zero amount of risk in sleeping with a partner (even with protection) whose status was unknown.

Neither man seemed to care and was forthcoming with my questions that I felt comfortable enough to act very out of character.

Makoto cuddled me after, and nuzzling my neck whispered in my ear, “That was terrible. I definitely don’t want to ever do that again.”

“Yes,” I said. “Really bad. Really bad.”

The truth was that for me, it was good but not as good as Kazumi. 

Post-Shizuo he had really set the bar, and there was something about him that I found irresistible. I knew that for Kazumi, no matter what he had with the other woman he was sleeping with, we had something pretty special. 

The second we would reunite time after time it was as if everyone else disappeared and we were completely immersed in each other. There was something about his body, his size, his hands, his mouth that just seemed to be a perfect fit for mine. 

I wondered once he was gone if the other lady in his life “fit” as well as I did, which had been something that he had noted (in his words, “You’re a perfect fit for me Sunshine”. It was weird feeling jealous over her when I was doing the same things, yet I couldn’t help but wish that Kazu would want me and only me.

I hated the idea that his messages to me were similar to messages to her. It would make our relationship feel like a lie, but at this moment in time I had no real way of knowing.

The long distance combined with the fact that we’d known each other just shy of 3 months made the situation one that needed to play out as it was, or at least until I felt as if I couldn’t stand being in the grey space with him any longer. I wished that I could read his mind and know what he shared with her, but of course, that was impossible.

All that I could do was trust the fact that I was as special to him as he said I was. 

And he either would want that brand of special or he would not and if that came to pass it would be a reflection on him, not me.

Conversely Makoto, while not an 11/10 like Kazumi, provided me with a gaze that told me everything I needed to know. 

When I joked earlier if he’d managed to attempt another internet date he’d said in earnest that he didn’t see the point, and that he, “knew something good when he saw it.” I felt incredibly guilty in that moment and muttered his name, unsure what to say.

He kissed me playfully noting, “first time’s the charm” before he pulled away.

Now, as we lay together in the afterglow I couldn’t help but note that his gaze was even softer and more loving as we chatted and joked. Our banter was interrupted by quiet buzzing, and when Makoto excused himself to go to the restroom I saw that I had unread texts from Kazumi.

Hi Sunshine. I’m back at my Kyoto house.

So tired. Going to bed soon.

I wish you were with me and I could kiss you.

Before Mako returned, I found myself typing, “I wish that too” and sent it, feeling guilty despite the fact that I’d done nothing wrong. I had no obligation to be monogamous to someone I’d known for less than a week.

But still...this was uncharted territory for me, and I felt guilty nonetheless.

It was Tuesday, and I couldn’t help but let out a sigh at my desk as I thought about the fact that Makoto and I were going to be forced to take things a little slower as he was leaving first thing tomorrow on holiday. He’d told me he was taking a short trip to the countryside with a few friends and would be back on Saturday, but hadn’t officially asked me out or made plans with me.

To be honest, I suddenly felt a bit uneasy about all of this and I had a hard time concentrating as my mind wandered down an unpleasant path of him reuniting with a childhood friend as elsewhere in Japan Kazumi romanced his other woman.

I sighed again, annoyed at myself for being insecure and jealous when I had too much to offer to fall into that toxic trap.

For years I’d listened to girlfriends lament about another women and I’d always delivered the same advice which was that they needed to believe that they were the best, most awesome choice for anyone or run the risk of creating a self-fulfilling prophecy in which their insecurity and jealousy drove away their object of their desire. 

Yet I was quickly learning that all this was easier said than done.

Anytime I asked Kazu for clarity surrounding his partners the answer was always the same - it was me and this woman in Kyoto who he “also trusted”. I wasn’t sure how to take that phrasing but really...it shouldn’t matter either way.

“You are going to be with someone who chooses you,” I quietly muttered to myself out loud, in an attempt to remind myself not to fall victim to my own insecurities.

That evening as I walked home I began to question all of it - what they were thinking, what I was feeling, and the fact that I’d totally failed at easing back into dating after Shizuo.

My therapist had told me it’s natural to want to find a partner, even soon after a relationship. With that said she’d warned me about rushing into something as well as running from something just because a specified amount of time hadn’t passed.

At the moment Kazumi was off somewhere, being unresponsive.

I knew that he didn’t owe me a response. I knew that he was well within his rights considering what our relationship was. 

However, it still hurt.

Just as I was contemplating how different communications surrounding dating versus relationships were my phone buzzed with an incoming text from Makoto.

What are you up to?

I froze, unsure of what he was getting at.

Not much - walking home. You?

Out with some friends but I was wondering if you’d want to meet up...

Mako! We’re supposed to take this slow! But also yes.

Haha I want to see you before my long journey. We can take it slow when I’m on holiday :)

Ok deal :) Come over to my place?

Really? I’m so happy right now! Ok see you soon!

I let out one of those fluttery sighs right then and there on the street and exited our conversation.

Several spots below his, my last message to Kazumi lingered.

Work has kept me so busy! What have you been up to?

Two days had passed. I hated that he felt as if he could just be busy and not respond. 

I knew that he was on tour and exhausted and promoting his book, but what ate away at me was that deep down I knew that I was not significant enough to him to garner a response in a timely manner.

It was the pattern we’d been following to a T. 

He would emerge tomorrow with flowery language and attempt to lure me back in but the truth was having met Makoto reminded me of what someone who actually cares about you does when they meet you.

When someone really likes you, they don’t let you slip through their fingers. They pursue you and make their intentions known. 

I thought about Makoto - he was consistently sweet and kind. 

Today made it exactly one week since we’d met but in that time he’d gone out of his way to make me feel confident in his feelings towards me. After the rollercoaster of liking someone dangerous like Kazumi, having someone come into my life like Mako was incredibly appealing.

I was sick of the danger, as fun and alluring as it was.

I would choose Makoto.

I wanted him.

Mako was incredibly apologetic about not being able to spend the night.

Like always, our talking had led to more and before I knew it we lying together naked and sweaty, talking quietly and giggling like a bunch of high school kids in love for the first time.

Around 1 AM he glanced at the clock and with a dejected sigh started to get up. 

“Man, I’ve never not wanted to go on a vacation more than in this moment...”

With a boyish grin he pulled on his boxers and pants, before picking up his t-shirt from my floor.

“No - it’ll be good,” I said with a smile. “Taking it slow right?”

“Yeah, I’ll try not to think about you the entire time I’m gone.”

“Oh please. You’ll be so busy with your friends and you’ll soon forget all about the rebound girl you met on the internet.”

“Emi...I could never forget about you.”

I could tell he meant it by the way he looked at me. I averted my gaze, in an attempt to hide the fact that I couldn’t forget about Kazumi.

Makoto didn’t seem to notice my inner turmoil and unable to change his blissful expression pulled me up off the bed and into his arms for a goodbye hug and kiss. Despite being conflicted, I found myself getting distracted by Makoto’s arms, and hands, and mouth before pulling away noting that he’d never leave at this rate.

He rested his forehead on mine and then gave me a quick kiss.

“I’ll see you when I get back, right?”

“Of course. Have fun on your trip.”

“Yeah. I gotta pack and head the airport in a few hours...”

“Mako!”

He laughed and kissed me again as we stood by the door.

“It’s fine. I wanted to see you.”

There was a comfortable silence as his sweet words lingered, and I raised myself off the ground, on to my tiptoes so I could give him one, last kiss goodbye.

“Goodnight Mako.”

“Sleep well Emi.”

When the door closed behind him, I let out a sigh.

I liked him. I really did. So why was I still thinking about Kazumi? Why was it that I still missed someone who didn’t seem to miss me?

I changed out of my sexy underwear and into my kidney bean colored track suit from high school before getting cozy in bed. Between my conflicting feelings and the fact that my heart was still racing from Mako I could tell I wasn’t going to get to bed anytime soon.

Once I was settled, I took out my phone planning to play one some otome when I saw that Kazumi had sent me 3 messages. My heart did a backflip of sorts and I held my breath as I read what he’d written:

I’m really sorry Sunshine - I’ve been at this conference and it’s just been insanity.

I’m coming to Tokyo this weekend. When can I see you?

I need to see you. To make up for how shitty I’ve been while away. I’m sorry.

He wanted to see me. 

My heart began to race. I felt anxious and scared but more than anything I wanted to see him. I wanted to be in his arms again and laugh with him and touch him and be intimate with someone who at times seemed so out of reach.

When you date a man who is a celebrity of sorts, it’s easy to keep tabs on him. I knew that his conference was keeping him busy since it was easy to find pictures and videos of him on Tweeter, talking to large crowds and signing books.

Whenever I missed him, I’d pull up one of his videos and watch as he’d speak to a lecture hall or auditorium filled with people who hung on his every word. I watched as people nervously raised their hands to ask a question of the great Kazumi Kagami and I thought about how lucky I was to have such access to him.

Here was one of the most influential writers of our time, and he was in my phone telling me he needed to see me.

Really? You mean it? I can see you this weekend?

Haha yes Sunshine. Does Saturday work?

Saturday was when Makoto would be back. In the back of my head I wondered if he’d ask me out for Saturday and now I had to make a choice.

Saturday works. I can’t wait to see you...

Same.

I can’t wait to taste you again Sunshine. Good night my darling

I smiled, the happiest I’d been the entire night and in that moment was struck by the fact that I thought I’d made my decision.

I thought I wanted the thing that was easy, and safe, and that was Makoto.

But now...now, I wasn’t so sure anymore.

In an attempt to calm myself before bed I pretended that I didn’t need to be sure and that “rolling with things” wouldn’t kill me. Neither man had asked anything of me, and because of that I was off the hook. 

I could hide from these feelings and so I decided to do just that - ignore them.

So I opened one of my games and played someone else’s comfortable romance in order to distract myself from the messiness of my real life.

Chapter 4 - her date with Kazu up now!

As I’ve said before, these chapters are surprisingly difficult to write for me since these chapters are loosely based on events in my life. I hope you guys are enjoying them as much as my purely fictional works and that you’ll comment and share with thoughts.

If you’re feeling really generous I hope you’ll consider buying me a coffee!

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[ayasakihumblr]

Secret Santa

Word Count: ~3300

If someone had asked Riko what she had imagined herself doing in the scant couple hours that remained of Christmas Eve, she would have answered with the usual fare: eating dinner with her family, wishing all a peaceful winter holiday, and following her nightly routine of getting ready for bed.

Never did she imagine herself staring out her window in abject disbelief as a poor imitation of Santa Claus broke into her neighbor's ryokan.

And just how did Riko know it was a fake Santa and not the real deal? (Besides the obvious answer, of course.) Simple: Santa never wore a miniskirt.

Quietly opening the glass door and creeping to the edge of her balcony, Riko ducked down as the fake Santa pulled out a set of tools from a burlap sack and began to work the window. A short time later, the window latch clicked open. Riko gulped in worry, paralyzed as this scarlet-clad intruder prepared to invade the room of her friend.

Then she heard it. The quiet and familiar giggle of a girl underneath the coat of red. And then...

"Full speed ahead into Chika-chan's room! Yousoro-ho-ho!"

"You-chan?!" exclaimed the redhead, utterly flabbergasted as she stood to her full height.

You whirled around so quickly that her skirt rose just enough for Riko to catch a flash of appealing snow-white panties. Her cool blue eyes were wide in surprise and she nearly fell off Chika's balcony as the burlap sack over her shoulder threw her usual balance off.

"Riko-chan?!" yelped You as she steadied herself.

For a long while, the two just stared at each other amidst the falling snowflakes of a cold winter's night, before one of them had the presence of mind to break the silence.

"...What are you doing?" asked Riko.

You stared at her blankly, before she said, "This is all just a dream, Riko-chan. I am not the You-chan you know. I am Santa. And you should absolutely get back to bed like a good girl so you can get your presents for the morning."

Riko frowned and crossed her arms. "You-chan, I'm perfectly awake. Now can you please tell me why you're about to break into Chika-chan's room?"

"Hey! Don't doubt Santa!" exclaimed You indignantly, "That's how girls like you end up on the naughty list! Is that what you want, Riko-chan? Are you a naughty girl?"

"That has nothing to do with what's going on!" replied Riko. She briefly wondered where she'd left her newest yuri doujin and if it was out for anyone to see. "Even if it's your best friend, you can't just go around breaking into people's houses!"

"You never seemed to care before."

"Before?! How many-!" Riko stopped short and cut herself off with a sigh. "Just... Look, just come over here so we can talk this over."

The brunette shook her head. "I can't. I'm on a timetable and I need to get back to my house before my mom notices that I'm gone."

Riko was not impressed. "Get in my room or I'll scream."

"You wouldn't!"

Riko raised a single eyebrow in challenge.

You sighed in sufferance. "Fine," she acquiesced. One short jump later saw her next to the redhead, burlap sack and all. She gave her friend a pouting frown. "I can't believe this is how you get girls to go home with you," she complained, "You really are a naughty girl."

"I don't want to hear that from someone almost guilty of breaking and entering!"

A few minutes later saw the two sitting on the floor underneath Riko's winter kotatsu, sipping tea and munching on crackers. After all, even if Riko blackmailed You into coming in, she still wanted to be a good hostess.

"So what's with... all this?" asked Riko, gesturing to You's costume and sack.

"I'm pretending to be Santa," answered You easily.

"Yes, I gathered as much. Why?"

"Because... it's in the holiday spirit?" offered You with a hopeful smile. She was quickly shut down by the redhead's scrutinizing gaze.

"You-chan..." intoned Riko menacingly.

"Alright, alright! I'll tell you, just don't hurt Santa on Christmas Eve!"

Riko grunted in acknowledgement and crossed her arms, waiting.

"So it all started a few years ago..."

Ten-year-old You Watanabe ran into her best friend's ryokan with a grin, slamming the door shut behind her to keep the cold away. Removing her winter attire and hanging it up as best as a ten year old can, she continued on into the lobby.

"Chika-chan! I'm here!" she announced.

But there was no reply.

Confused but undaunted, You clambered upstairs as fast as her feet would let her, intent on seeking out her best friend and spending Christmas morning with her. As she emerged into the upstairs hallway, she started to turn left to Chika's room, but the sound of voices coming from further down the hallway drew her attention. No one knew You was here yet, and her mother had always told her to announce herself before poking around in someone's home.

So You set off towards the voices, but when she could hear them clearly, she felt herself freeze at what was being said.

"...we just can't keep this up anymore. Chika's a grown girl, and it's getting harder to sneak into her room. We can tell her Santa doesn't really exist," said Mito.

"Oh, but Chika gets so excited every Christmas morning when she finds all those presents!" replied Shima. She giggled. "Besides, you still believed in Santa until you were-"

"This isn't about me!"

Outside in the hallway, You blinked. Santa... wasn't... real?

But... that couldn't be. That couldn't be!

Before she could stop herself, she threw back the door to the surprise of her friend's older sisters, tears streaming down her face.

"What do you mean Santa isn't real?!" she cried.

After a few heartfelt minutes of crying into Shima's chest while Mito stood in the background feeling guilty, You finally found the strength to speak.

"...Hey, Shima-nee, Mito-nee?"

"Yes, You-chan?"

"...Please don't tell Chika-chan about Santa."

The sisters exchanged a glance.

"I know what you said, and I get it. So don't worry about that. I'll take care of everything!" declared the little brunette.

Mito opened her mouth to dismiss You's idea, but Shima shot her a look. They'd already crushed one of her dreams today, how could they crush another?

"You-chan, pretending to be Santa is quite a lot of work," cautioned Shima. "Are you sure you want to take on that responsibility? Especially when you live all the way in Numazu?"

You nodded. "I'll do anything to protect Chika-chan's smile!"

"...And that's what happened," recounted the brunette as she lifted the mug of tea to her lips.

"You-chan..." said Riko with a disapproving frown.

The brunette stood, placing the tea back on Riko's table. "So now that you understand, I'm going to do what I do best and give Chika-chan everything she wants."

"Hold on," interrupted Riko as she reached out and grabbed You's wrist. "You can't just keep lying to her about Santa being real. She's sixteen! She should know the truth! And besides, don't you want her to know that her happiness comes from her childhood friend, and not some made-up myth?"

You looked down, a sadness coming to rest over her eyes, and Riko knew that this was something that You had agonized over before. "It doesn't matter where her happiness comes from," replied You. "So long as she's happy, then I'm happy."

Riko frowned. "I suppose you're just going to go through life pretending to be happy when you aren't. Again." The brunette didn't respond. The redhead sighed and continued. "Well, at the very least, I may as well go with you then. Misery loves company, and I already know this is going to make me miserable."

You blinked at her, unsure if she'd just heard that correctly, but Riko remained resolute. "Thank you for the support, but I couldn't ask you to-"

"I'm coming with you," declared Riko with finality.

"...If I say no you're going to scream, aren't you?"

Riko nodded.

"You know this is only going to complicate things, right?" The brunette sighed. "Well whatever then. But! On one condition..." You reached a hand into her burlap sack.

Five minutes later...

"Why did you just happen to have a sexy Santa costume on hand for me to wear?" demanded Riko as she tried in vain to stretch the miniskirt to actually cover something.

The swimmer shrugged carelessly. "I thought I'd leave something for you too once I was done with Chika-chan's presents."

"Why couldn't you have just gotten me a wholesome sweater or something?!"

"Because I've seen your sketchbook," deadpanned You in reply.

Riko looked away in a mixture of mortification and anger, face redder than her hair. "You could've at least looked away while I was changing!"

"If you get to see my panties then I get to see yours," justified the brunette as she opened the door to Riko's balcony, "It's only fair."

"You saw a lot more than just my panties!"

"Not really," dismissed You. "But at least I know what I'm getting you for next Christmas."

"What?"

"Bra pads!" answered You cheekily as she leapt across.

"YOU-CHAN!"

After a harrowing ten minutes of coaxing Riko to jump across from her balcony and another five minutes of pulling her up without losing any of the presents, You could easily say this was the single most difficult time she'd ever had pretending to be Santa.

"We haven't even gotten inside the house yet!" moaned Riko in misery as she recovered from the ordeal, "And we still have to go back..."

"I almost can't believe it. Santa's little helper is neither little nor helpful," replied You dryly with a rather pointed stare.

"Don't make me scream at you," warned the redhead.

You shrugged. "I can easily find a way to shut you up if I need to."

"Oh? Do you also have a ball gag in your bag or something? It wouldn't surprise me at this point."

"Of course not. All I have to do is..." You leaned close to Riko, pressing herself against her friend as she reached up and gently grabbed her chin with a hand, drawing their faces near. Riko's sharp intake of breath was more than indicative of the overall effect the action had on her. "...Find something else to occupy your lips with," finished You huskily.

The pair stayed in that position for a while, Riko red as a rose, You smooth as silk, before the brunette pulled away teasingly.

"Well. That's enough of that. Let's get back to the present, shall we?" she punned with a grin.

Riko could only nod, disappointed at the loss of a warm girl against her skin.

The pair clambered through Chika's window, the redhead freezing up as a certain someone woke up to the disturbance of their entrance. From the bed, a fluffy figure leapt down and trotted over to the pair.

"Arf!" barked Shiitake happily as his new friend came over.

"Shiitake! Be quiet!" hissed Riko.

"Hmph. You never bark all excitedly whenever I come over," remarked You in annoyance. Sure, she was a pretty common sight at Chika's ryokan, but it was still nice to be appreciated.

The dog stared at the brunette, blinking cutely. Then... "Arf! Arf arf arf!" he barked happily as he trotted over to You's feet.

"No! Be quiet Shiitake!"

"Now look what you've done!" snapped Riko as the bed's occupant began to stir. "Is this how you protect Chika-chan's smile?"

"Don't worry, I've got this." With that, You reached into her sack and took out a dog bone. Shiitake began to salivate as his eyes locked onto the special treat You always used to bribe him with every Christmas.

You held the bone up, moving it around as she made sure Shiitake was entranced by the treat. "Do you want it? Do you want the treat?" She began backing up, opening Chika's door as she exited into the hallway, Shiitake following. Riko looked on with concern as she led him away.

The brunette padded backwards as the dog remained distracted, knowing it was only a matter of time before Shiitake decided to pounce for the treat. She kept moving until she came to the first recognizable door and threw it open, tossing the treat onto the bed.

"Go get it!" she called.

Shiitake leapt through the open with a bark of happiness, and You slammed the door shut and sprinted back to Chika's room. In the distance, she heard a certain older sister cry out in pain as a dog landed on her stomach.

'Sorry about that, Mito-nee,' apologized You in her head, 'But Chika-chan's smile takes precedence over yours.'

When You returned to Chika's room, she was met with an unexpected, unsurprising, and mildly annoying sight.

"Riko-chan," she said evenly, "What are you doing?"

"I can explain!" claimed the redhead. "You see, while you were gone I thought about a good place for us to hide Chika-chan's presents."

"Santa doesn't hide presents," interrupted You, "That kind of ruins the whole thing, you know? But please. Continue."

"Exactly!" said Riko, as if that was where she was originally going with this train of thought. "And because Santa doesn't hide presents, I thought about putting them in a place where Chika-chan is sure to find them!"

"In her underwear drawer," deadpanned the diver.

"Yes! Because Chika-chan always grabs new panties every morning!" The redhead smiled, congratulating herself for coming up with a (somewhat) rational explanation for why she'd been digging through Chika's unmentionables.

You pursed her lips in consideration. "That's actually not true," she said, much to Riko's clear discomfort. "But even if it was, you've still neglected to explain just why you're wearing Chika-chan's panties around your head like a hat."

Riko couldn't explain that either.

You sighed and reached over, grabbing the panties off Riko's head and stuffing them back into Chika's drawer. "Come on," she huffed, "Let's stop taking her things and start giving her things instead."

"Okay..." murmured Riko dejectedly.

By the time the pair of Santas had finished their Christmas decorating and returned to Riko's room, it was half past two.

"Well," said You with a yawn, "Thanks for the assistance, I guess. But I should head home before my mom notices I'm gone."

Riko frowned. "You-chan, it's late. Just stay here for the night."

"Nah, I'm good. Besides, I didn't bring any other clothes, and I've intruded on you enough for one night."

But the redhead was adamant. "You-chan. You know what will happen if you refuse."

"What is it with you and screaming to get what you want?" asked You in annoyance. "Is this a super off day for you? Or do you have some new fetish I really don't want to know about?"

"Oh for the love of-!" Riko pulled back her covers and pointed forcefully. "Just get in the damn bed!"

You raised a curious eyebrow but acquiesced. "Whatever you say. I had no idea you could be this dominant."

"Stop teasing me and go to sleep already," huffed Riko as she crawled in after You.

You let out a giggle. "Alright, alright... Come here, you big screaming baby," she said, pulling Riko closer to her.

"Hmph. I may be a big screaming baby, but I'm your big screaming baby."

"That you are, Riko-chan. That you are..."

As Riko awoke on a peaceful Christmas morning, the first thing she noticed was the stark contrast between the biting cold pervading the air and the fulfilling warmth found beneath her covers with a certain brunette sharing them. As she snuggled closer to You to bask in her body heat, Riko noticed the second thing about Christmas mornings in Uchiura.

That was the anguished, bewildered, incredulous, and panicked cry of a certain ginger as she shouted out. "WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?!"

Alarmed, Riko quickly jumped out of bed, pausing only to throw on a bathrobe as she hurried out to the balcony to see what was going on.

"Chika-chan, what's wrong?!" she called out.

A few seconds later, Chika threw open her window. "Riko-chan! You're not gonna believe this, but for the past several years, someone has been breaking into my room and decorating everything for Christmas! They even leave presents too!" Her voice dropped to a scandalized whisper. "And this time... I think they went through my underwear drawer!"

Riko blushed furiously at the complaints/accusations her friend was spouting, and realized that this could only mean one thing. Still, she felt it prudent to double check. "...Are you sure it wasn't Santa?"

Chika frowned. "Riko-chan, I haven't believed in Santa for years! Why would you even bring that up?"

"Oh. No reason..."

But Chika spotted a telltale flash of Christmas red below Riko's pink bathrobe, and the dots began to connect. "Wait a minute... Are you wearing a Santa outfit beneath your robe?"

"What?! What are you trying to say?!" exclaimed Riko, flustered.

The ginger's eyes narrowed. "Riko-chan... You wouldn't happen to have anything to do with my room being decorated, now would you?"

"Chika-chan, I just moved here a few months ago. You said this has been happening for years! How could I possibly have anything to do with that?"

"Then why are you wearing a Santa outfit?!"

Just then, a loud yawn sounded out from behind the redhead as You stumbled sleepily onto the balcony, draped in Riko's blankets. "Riko-chan," she slurred, "Why'd you leave me all alone...?" She all but collapsed against Riko, her strength sapped by the cold.

As Riko tended to her friend, Chika looked at the pair with pursed lips. "Oh I get it now," she said with a smug voice.

"Get what?" asked Riko as she hooked You's arm around her shoulders to better support her.

"Why you're dressed up as Santa," replied Chika. "It's because you were 'giving it' to You-chan last night, right?"

"Excuse me?!"

"My, how kinky of you! But give me the details! Did you have her sit in your lap? Did you go down her chimney? Did you ride her like a sleigh?"

"Chika-chan, stop it!"

"Was she your ho ho ho?"

"AHHH!" shrieked Riko in abject mortification as she practically throttled the brunette. "You-chan! Wake up and fix this! YOU-CHAN!"

~END~

AN: Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays everyone!

If you're like Chika, hopefully you have someone willing to be your You. If you're like You, hopefully you have someone willing to be your Riko. And if you're like Riko, you've already got both a Chika and a You so don't complain. :P

[hellyes-tommccamus]

Mutant X [TV] (2001-2004)

S01E21 “Dancing on the Razor”

[spoilers]

Sci-fi/action

Tom McCamus plays a main role in season 1

The penultimate episode [of season one]. No prizes for guessing why I consider the end of season one the end of the show. The title may or may not be a quote of Iron Maiden lyrics. Or may be me drawing parallels where none exist. Which really is the backbone of English Literature. Oh how proud my English teacher would have been. Or perhaps not. He was not at all impressed when I read out a novelised X Files episode in class.

Brennan and Jesse wander round one of the many abandoned warehouses that are invariably chosen as meeting spots. I think I might be wary of being asked to go to such a location if I was a scared and vulnerable New Mutant. The GSA show up and fight the guys one or two at a time, Kung Fu style. The New Mutant they were supposed to meet doesn’t show, but someone has installed cameras in the warehouse and is watching them.

Proxy Blue reports that she has an informant who has video footage of the fight. Am I the only one who is disappointed the internet no longer looks all shiny and bevelled? My first website was. Back in the day when people had websites.

The guys of Mutant X decide that they won’t be able to trace the email from the person who set them up. Despite all of them allegedly being great computer hackers. Adam says they finally have something in common with Genomex. Other than him being an ex-employee? And their goals actually aligning pretty often? I guess we’re all guilty of saying things that sound good, but aren’t necessarily true.

Mason complains to his new number two about Proxy Blue broadcasting his business on her broadband spectrum. I do love it when they toss around “techno terms” in an effort to sound more sci fi. Recall when we didn’t all have broadband? Recall when we didn’t have internet? There’s a scary thought. Support Net Neutrality! And with that, I think I have reached my maximum allowable number of tangents in the first five minutes of this episode.

His new number two, Harvey Lanchester (Roman Podhora) suggests that the leak came from inside Genomex. Mason refuses to believe that, despite his employees being discovered working against the company actually quite frequently. (Cut to some poor intern shaking their head and taking down the 1 above the “days since employee defection” sign). Mason indicates that he has implemented some sort of method to detect thoughtcrime (1984 reference number three). Today, I believe that would be extremely easy. Let me scare you to death for a second: do you ever think anything you don’t google/message to someone/say on the phone? Here’s hoping my NSA file says something along the lines of: “Mostly harmless, mind too focused on frivolous things to revolt. Mad as a spoon.”

Harvey is an interesting second in command. He replies to Mason in the same sharp and unforgiving tone as his boss uses, and seems to get away with it.

The Mutant X girls have more luck in their computer hacking than the guys. Shalimar says they tracked a caller to Proxy Blue to a company called Macklin Exporters.

Harvey is way ahead of them, and his team is pulling apart the exporting office. He demonstrates his power, which is to shoot some form of heat beam from his forehead. The exporting company looks to be, if not a front, unsuccessful. Their warehouse is completely empty and doesn’t even have any racking to store things on. Macklin employee Jay (James Gallanders) is brought over to Harvey for questioning. He claims not to know anything. Shalimar and Brennan stroll in and fight off the GSA. They rescue Jay, not bothering about all his unconscious colleagues. Probably uncredited extras, and not important. Harvey sets fire to the warehouse, presumably killing all of those poor unimportant extras.

Brennan and Shalimar take Jay back to a safehouse. They start to question him but they end up telling him about what they are. And isn’t the whole point of this operation to stop just that? Jay says he knows nothing except he’s only alive because he was late for work. So did the GSA kill his colleagues before setting fire to the building? And for that matter, why did he not react much to seeing his colleagues at least knocked out?

Proxy Blue reports on the “explosion” at the warehouse. And she even mentions that it’s not connected to the unreleased video footage from earlier. Isn’t it a bit odd that she would indirectly expose her informant like that? Predictably, Mason isn’t happy with how Harvey dealt it. Emma and Jesse look up Harvey in the New Mutant database and find that he has a psionic combustion power. I’m not sure why this power is classed as psionic when it would be better classified as elemental or even molecular. But I know I can’t escape the obvious explanation - and I’m rolling my eyes as I write this - it’s because it comes from his head, isn’t it? Emma thinks Proxy Blue is taunting her informants to come forward with the disc, which would make sense.

Shalimar questions Jay again. He refers to his colleagues as friends, which is inconsistent with his apparent apathy towards them. Brennan gets a call from Adam, who pushes him to get information from Jay. He asks for his coworkers’ names but he does not know them, despite just calling them his friends. He tells them to look in his apartment, and that there is a list of the other employees on his refrigerator. I’m sorry, but is it normal to keep that sort of thing on your refrigerator?

Brennan goes to Jay’s apartment, but once again the GSA is there before them. However the whole scene is stolen by Man Carrying Dog in an Elevator.

Meanwhile Shalimar seems to be having fun mothering the man they think is involved in (badly) attempting to expose them. She tells him about how this exposé will affect their lives, while making a good show of drinking from a cup, which is clearly shown as empty from the angle they chose to film.

Brennan and Harvey face off. Their fight is interrupted before it starts by the unsung hero of this episode. Oh yes it’s Man Carrying Dog in an Elevator! There’s another man involved this time, and they pass the dog between them. At times I am a Supporting Artiste (the most pretentious and best job title) and honestly I think they think it’s hilarious to make us do the most stupid and bizarre things. Where is the logic behind the dog being carried twice? Part of me loves the abject falseness of film and TV but the other part of me thinks the people who make it need a bit of real life experience to realise how silly they’re being. Politicians should also be forced to go on my Grim Reality course. Insider info: the dog was probably owned and brought along by one of the men.

Shalimar and Jay get very flirty and plan to go on a date. But he tries to kiss her and she pulls away. Probably for the best, seeing how her last two relationships ended.

Jesse discovers that the company looks legit so the spying must have come from a single person. And as the rest of the workers are dead, the only way for the story to go anywhere is if Jay was the culprit. Wow, Shalimar sure does know how to pick em!

Brennan drops by to the safehouse and tells them the GSA got to Jay’s apartment before him. Jay tries to call the police but they stop him. Suddenly he mentions his sister. Now if he isn’t the culprit, he at least has something wrong with him that gives him a lack of empathy and a poor memory. Shalimar goes with him to find his sister.

Proxy Blue has nothing to report, and is now saying it may have been a false alarm. Harvey thinks he has done enough to diffuse the situation, but Mason insists he finds Jay. I noticed something about one of the panels in Mason’s office, the one that is X shaped. It looks like a Western Blot, which will mean nothing to the non-scientists in the room. Neither will this: I miss the smell of agar in the morning.

Emma looks for Jay’s sister but can’t find her in the database. There is no mention of her being a New Mutant, so this suggests something very sinister: does Adam have a database on everyone in the country?

Predictably, Jay tricks Shalimar and locks her in his apartment. She escapes, but not before he disappears. Harvey finds her and uses her power to try to torture her into telling him where Jay is. Emma sneaks in and uses her extra power of illusion to trick Harvey and the other GS Agents into thinking she is Mason and does a remarkable job of persuading them to leave Shalimar alone without giving away what she is doing.

Jesse finds some info on Jay. Which means Adam’s database must include regular humans as well as New Mutants. So he must have stolen this from another government agency. Which is a rather odd thing for someone supposedly supporting freedom and liberty to do. Jay is apparently a journalist. Surprise surprise. Jesse makes an offhand comment about him packing computer chips. Is this actually one of the US’s exports? But anyway he was fired from a job as a journalist.

Proxy Blue reports that the “explosion” was an accident. Mason video calls Harvey to congratulate him, and he is confused because he just saw him. Mason’s reaction to this is quite hilarious. And they are both still none the wiser.

Adam tells Shalimar that Jay lied about having a sister and is also the one who set them up. The girls want to go after him, but Adam isn’t keen. They go after him anyway. And I have to say I love the yellow and lime green lighting in the warehouse. It’s not realistic in the slightest but cool anyway. Jay plans to give the disc to Proxy Blue but the girls ambush him. Shalimar grabs the disc and hits him. But he grabs Emma and holds a gun to her. Emma has clearly learnt to use her powers even in stressful situations, and she makes him think the gun is too hot to hold.

Shalimar gives him a beating and they are about to leave victorious but the GSA arrive and ruin it. Interesting thing about Harvey’s powers: why is it that when he hits things it sets them on fire, but on people he just makes them painfully hot? Emma redirects one of his heat blasts and hits him with it. So she’s also a telekinetic now? And why does it appear to be deadly/severely disabling on him when other people seem to be merely in pain from it?

Adam grabs the disc and they are about to leave when Mason shows up with the most GS Agents we’ve seen all together. They have the most tropey standoff. Then decide to destroy the disc and set fire to the warehouse.

Later, Brennan sort of admits he has feelings for Shalimar. Emma and Shalimar complain about their bad luck with men. I mean, sure, they are young people, but in the circumstances dating is probably not a great idea. They are looking through a rail of Emma’s clothes and Shalimar makes fun of them. And nobody really thought this through because Emma is always seen to be ultra fashionable (for the time).

[trombonesinspace]

Matt’s responsibility?

The more I think about the Defenders, the more problems I have with one particular idea, that’s stated several times, by several different characters: that Matt let Elektra die.

As we all know, Elektra died in Daredevil season 2, in the last episode’s climactic fight against the Hand. But here’s the thing: she chose to join Matt in that fight, despite knowing that it was a trap. And the moment of her death was also her choice, as she ran in to stop Nobu from killing Matt. She knew the risks of taking on the Hand, even better than Matt did. She made her choices, and she died because of those choices. Anyone who claims that Matt let her die is taking away her agency, entirely, and reducing her to a passive victim of Matt’s choices. And that, in my opinion, is bullshit.

When Alexandra makes this claim, it makes sense. When she tells Elektra that Daredevil let her die, she has an obvious agenda: keep the Black Sky ignorant of her past if possible; if not, make damn sure she sees Daredevil as an enemy. So of course she would frame it that way.

When Elektra says it to Matt, during their final fight, it’s harder to parse. It’s unclear how much of her past she remembers by that point. If she remembers how she died, then she knows damn well it was her own choice, and given her determination to live her own life, I would think she would defend her own autonomy rather than buy into Alexandra’s victim narrative. (Unless she said it just to mess with Matt. This is Elektra we’re talking about, so deliberate manipulation can never be ruled out.) But it’s also possible she doesn’t remember, and she’s just repeating, and apparently believing, what she was told.

For Matt himself to see her death that way is the most problematic. I don’t fault him for feeling guilty; I think most of us would feel at least some guilt if someone else died saving us. But that doesn’t make her death his fault, or something he caused, or something he let happen. I mean, he did do his best to convince her to stop listening to Stick, or to the Hand, and to choose her own path. So yeah, in that sense she was doing what he wanted her to do. But that doesn’t mean he made her do it. She has motivations of her own, and to think otherwise is to believe that she’s nothing but a puppet. Matt is denying her any say in the matter if he thinks it’s all his fault. But clearly, he does think that.

And the Defenders writers tacitly support him in this view, by not having anyone challenge it. There is no alternative reading given, ever, it’s just stated repeatedly that Matt let Elektra die. If the show wanted to challenge this idea, they had the perfect person to do it: Stick. Stick knows that Elektra chose to go into that fight with Matt. And he wants to stop the Black Sky, and Matt’s guilt is keeping him resistant to that goal, so it would be in Stick’s own interest to try to talk him out of it, just like he did 20 years ago when Matt’s guilt over his father’s death was interfering with his training. But he doesn’t. To me, that's a clear indication that the writers endorse Matt’s view.

And like I said, I think that’s bullshit. It seriously diminishes Elektra’s character, to say that her choices are somehow Matt’s responsibility. She can definitely be seen as a victim in other respects—the Hand erased her memories, and clearly didn’t want her to have anything like free will, and before that her upbringing by the Chaste was pretty messed up. But she died doing what she chose to do. And it’s pretty shitty to take that agency away from her.

And honestly, it diminishes Matt’s character too. We all know Matt’s a martyr, but this is actually a deeply narcissistic way of thinking. Selflessness can be just as narcissistic as selfishness, if it’s taken to extremes, and assuming blame for things that aren’t his fault is self-centered, even if it comes from unselfish motives. It’s not exactly surprising that someone who’s decided to become a masked vigilante has kind of a skewed sense of his own importance, but it’s still a problem. In his guilt, he’s made Elektra’s freely chosen actions all about himself.

It’s not all bad, though. I don’t mind that he feels compelled to try and bring Elektra’s memories back—that’s perfectly understandable, and even admirable—he’s trying to give her back her own identity, her own life, by undoing the Hand’s brainwashing. But sadly for him, her own identity is not what he wants so desperately for it to be. She has no interest in going along with his tidy little redemption narrative, and she gives no fucks what he thinks of her anymore. Which I actually kind of love. My favorite part of their fight down in the pit is her basically telling him, “This is who I am, take it or leave it!”

If only he had accepted that fact sooner, and hadn’t insisted on trying to take responsibility for her, there would have been no need for him to stay down there with her in the first place. The show tries to frame it as a sacrifice to save the city, but I don’t buy it. He was down there for personal reasons.

Saving the city only required that none of the Hand manage to get on board the elevator while the defenders made their escape, so they’d be stuck down there when the building collapsed. Despite being the Black Sky, Elektra never demonstrates any supernatural abilities—she’s just a really good fighter. And if she were trying to board a rising elevator from below, the defenders would have the advantage of height. I really think that all four of them working together could have fended her off. And I think that’s exactly what would have happened, if Matt didn’t have a personal connection to her. If she were just the Hand’s strongest fighter, and he’d never met her before, he would have gotten on that elevator with the others.

Instead, he chooses death, turning his back on everyone who loves him. And yes, he is expecting to die, even before the elevator cable gets cut and he's trapped, otherwise he wouldn't have told Danny to protect the city. And honestly, it makes me angry at him. It’s such a hurtful thing to do—Foggy and Karen must be heartbroken, and the other defenders must feel pretty rotten, too, even though they’ve only known him for a few days. And he does it for such messed up reasons. I would be less angry if I were convinced it was necessary to save the city, or if he had truly intended to escape but couldn’t. But as it is, I have a hard time mustering up much sympathy for him.

He hurts all of his friends, as well as refusing until the last possible moment to acknowledge Elektra for who she really is, out of a misplaced sense of responsibility for things that are not his fault. And now the others are left with their pain, and their grief, for however much time passes in-show until DDs3. Which we’re going to have to wait another year for, most likely. It’s really frustrating.