#i mean i'm proud of myself for improving that much in only a few months but dear god

[kaledya]

HOWDY!!🌟🌟 I haven't been active on Tumblr for a long time, to be honest I haven't been active on any platform until recently.

I think it would be right to make a small update and let my followers know what's on my mind.

(And a little note, I am writing this article from a translation. If there is a mistake in any sentence or if it sounds rude, I sincerely apologize.)

First of all, I would like to talk about why I am  less active than before.

I don't want to go into too much detail about it, so I'll keep it short, and it'll be easier for you too!

I have a disease that worsens with stress, and I can say that this disease has leveled up because I have been stressed a lot lately due to some events.Now, for no reason or if I put too much pressure on that arm area my joints and arm start to ache. This means I can't draw for 2-3 days.In general, it means that I try not to use my arm too much.

But don't worry, thanks to my doctor I'm getting better quickly and I don't have as much ache anymore, much less! Almost gone now!!🌟🌟🌟🎉

And besides these, I was trying to get accepted to the university, but I learned that my drawing skills were not enough for the animation university!( I knew this actually, my anatomy is really bad but I wanted to try my luck) It's a little sad, but I'm not discouraged!🫡

 (I think my only regret was that my arm started to hurt in the middle of the exam after I had come such a long way. Why on earth would anyone make two one and a half hour art exams back to back??) Show some mercy to the students!!)😭😭

༼⁠;⁠´⁠༎ຶ⁠ ⁠۝ ⁠༎ຶ⁠༽

I just need to focus on more art skills  and I will do that!! From now on, I will focus only on improving myself and my arts! YIPPE!!

About  HH SS AU or My's OC development

It saddens me to say this, but even though I've been drawing in the HazbinHotel fandom for months, I've lost my inspiration at the moment.I probably won't be able to share any content about HazbinHotel until I regain my inspiration because I can't think of an idea or get excited about series anymore.But of course this is a temporary thing, my fandom had faded before but then it blossomed again!!

This is valid for SSAU as well, I don't have any inspiration to develop AU or draw for AU right now. 

And thank you very much to my followers who have liked and supported my HazbinHotel content so far!!!

Same goes for my OCs, I'm putting my OCs like Constantine and Serenity and the archangels on the shelf for now.Of course I will use them again in the future when I get inspired about them again, I love my babies!

About SSAU inspired fanfics Thank you again for loving this AU and for being inspired to write your own fanfic!!!

It makes me really happy to see you having fun And it makes me proud to see that I inspire people!! 

But from now on I don't prefer to use my HH OCs to write Fanfics,There are a few reasons for this but the main one is that I can't give you much feedback anymore and I wanted you to know that and I really don't want to upset or disappoint anyone when it comes to feedback.

Of course the fics about SSAU that have been written so far can continue, I have no problems with them, have fun!! I just want you to know I won't be able to give feedback  to you, or it will take a long time 

 This is of course temporary, I will let you know when I return to this fandom or change my mind about this!!

Some people ask about YouTube, I don't plan on posting any content on YouTube anytime soon.

Thank you in advance for respecting my opinions!

In short, yes, these are what I was going to say. It can be said that I have switched to the Gravity Falls fandom at the moment and I am sort of making my childhood dream come true by giving fanart to this fandom.And this is something that makes me very happy. 

Good morning, and in case I don't see ya, good afternoon, good evening, and good night!

[darkkitty1208]

on fic writing and fandom: where am i going forward?

So. It's a bloody dull Friday and I'm writing this post--have been meaning to, for a while--because I can't stop thinking about it. It's just a few (a lot, actually) thoughts I've had in my mind the past few days that I've decided to spill into a single post, which turned out far longer than it needed to be, but nothing too important. Under the cut.

I've been a fanfic writer for a while now. Not a long time by any means, but a while nonetheless. My first fic--which is now orphaned like a few of its brothers for undisclosed reasons, though if you're an og you might be able to guess why--was dated back to the 18th of November 2021. 3 years later and I've got a humble 89 works and counting (the orphaned works and unposted wips unincluded). I can safely say I've improved quite a lot since then.

Where are you going with this, then, Kitty? Surely you aren't here just to brag about your writing progress?

Well. Not exactly. But I'll start with this: I guess what I'm trying to say is I've lost the spark.

You know. The old feeling. That boost of serotonin you get after you finish a piece you're proud of, or when you get lovely reviews on ao3, or when you get a kudos email, or a new mutual, or some wild tags under your silly post. The spark. I haven't felt it in a long time, now. The last time it's been so palpable was... I'm not sure. Probably last year's October. That was a lot of fun. I was most prolific in fic writing, that year. It shouldn't feel like a long time ago. Because it wasn't.

Don't get me wrong. I love all this. All that's going on right now. The comments I'm getting--even if fewer than I had before--and all the other interactions, I appreciate and enjoy and love them so, so much. And writing my newer fic projects are well exciting. But it just isn't the same anymore. I'm afraid it never will be.

(Maybe it has something to do with the lack of interactions lately. Maybe? I don't really know, either. I'm sure we're all well aware the fandom is past its peak, and with the current developments in the MCU I am frankly unsurprised, but I dunno.)

I guess that's part of the reason I've been less active lately. I've been inactive as a whole this year, admittedly, and disappearing far too often for far too long (and I notice some of my friends are, too). I just didn't get the same joy from being in a fandom like I had when I first started this blog, or my ao3 account.

In hindsight, I've probably been a little too dependent on fandom to provide me serotonin. The past few years have been hard, the years before that, too. Life just keeps kicking me in the arse time and time again. I guess I've been using fandom and fic writing as a coping mechanism, and once I've had my fill, the joy dies off to something a little more dull. Like a gum I've been chewing for too long that the sweetness has since worn off.

Honestly? I don't want it to be this way. I want to live without being so dependent on my presence online. I want to live without only knowing joy through internet interactions. I've got to learn to. It sounds silly, but it's true. (I think I may be slightly chronically online, oh no. x'D)

So naturally my first instinct is to distance myself a little. I contemplated quitting, but I can't do that. I don't see myself ever doing that, no matter how many times my brain convinces me that I might.

When this year started, I had set some goals for writing. One of them was to write for more whumptober prompts than I did last year or complete them all. I did like 21 prompts or something last year. Of 31. Within a little more than a month. While still balancing all the life stuff I had going on. This is, if not obvious, an extremely ambitious goal. I am not insane. I don't know what I was thinking. I can't possibly do that now, can I? Not with all the stuff that's been happening.

...

Can I?

...

Yeah, no. Definitely not.

See, that's another thing: writing. Probably the thing I'm trying to get at in this post but otherwise derailed completely from. Fuck my brain.

I'm sure many of you have noticed that I've been writing significantly less. I still post, obviously, but not as much as like, last year when the number of works I had went from a few to far too much. That had helped me improve quite a lot, actually, but those days I barely slept because I just insisted to replace my sleep time with Writing Shit For The Gays. It was pretty unhealthy now that I look back at it. My sleep schedule is still shit now but, yk. Some things just never change.

I was really, really caught up on wanting to be good at writing. Like, really good. I wanted to make awesome things. I wanted to write like a real fucking pro. Like all the more popular fandom authors I look up to. I want to be like the big dogs in fandom. It sounds so silly. I did everything; sprinting daily, setting a minimum of 500 words writing sessions every day, trying new writing styles, churning out works after works, writing for prompts and events and gifts and the like. I was enjoying it, yes, but was it really something I did for myself? Or was it because I wanted to please other people or impress other people for their validation, which is something I'm entirely too dependent of? Was it for the numbers?

Well. It was more for that than for me, I realised a little too late.

So yeah. Fuck wanting to be good. I want to write for the hell of it. I want to write something that's for me. Not what the majority of the fandom or other people want to read, but for me. Which is why I absolutely loved writing works like just a matter of time, how to kill a god, or how to become a god, because they're not meant for other people but myself. (Ironically that last work is a gift but, yk. I still liked it.) I know I joke about self-projecting a lot, but it's been seriously helping me rediscover the joy of writing that doesn't come from the incessant need to be good or perfect or focus on producing more and more and more. It makes me feel like a kid again. Also, I'm only realising this now but I'd rather get like 5 people who enjoy reading my works so much and express them to me rather than 100 people who silently thumbs up at me and then go away to consume another fic or demand more. (All this to say I still love interactions, it just shouldn't be my no. 1 priority to get them when writing fanfics.)

But yeah. None of those works are perfect. They're not meant to be. But they're mine. They're me. They represent me. And it's so, so great to feel that in writing. I've been so stuck up on being some sort of content machine. I'm doing this for myself, how could I forget? I've been saying this since the beginning, I don't know why I'm still struggling to do it. God. It's ridiculous.

Anyway. That's that. This has become a very long ramble. Thank you for listening to my Ted Talk. And for letting me waste your time, if you make it to the end of this post.

[meanbossart]

I came here for Drow but I've fallen for Grod. So few people play half-orcs, much less make them so incredibly sexy. Thank you. I really want to learn more about his story. I'm new to the blog so I might have missed it, but where's he come from, what does he want, what makes him tick?

(also got this ask so putting them together)

First of all: I'm absolutely delighted that multiple people are this taken by Grodderick. AS THEY SHOULD BE.

Grodderick is a character I made for the BG3 fic I'm writing called A Novel Experience, it's over 100k words long and an exercise I gave myself to improve my writing and tackle my minor but Very Irritating adult dyslexia lol (which means, if you read it, expect it to have kind of a clumsy beginning - but I'm confident in saying that my writing got a whooole lot better thanks to it, and I'm very proud of a lot of the chapters I've put out in the last couple of months)

He plays a minor part, mostly as a voice of reason and a "flipside parallel" to some cast, if that makes sense. He's mentioned super early on but only makes an appearance with spoken dialogue way later.

The story can be found here! https://archiveofourown.org/works/50551582/chapters/127702666

And I did a whole writeup on his backstory (since none of it is really relevant to the plot, so it's not a spoiler) here! https://meanbossart.tumblr.com/post/740147028518223872/im-so-intrigued-by-grodderick-do-you-have-any

Ps: I know im super behind on asks, i've just been very busy! I'll make another compilation of them soon

[kkat-astrophic]

Headshots!

so, recently, my art skills have been taking off from silly little doodles, and I'm now starting a headshots sketchbook of DR characters! I started this a few months ago, and got back on track a couple weeks ago, so here is my progress!

I started by drawing Peko back in April, it's messy but I was proud of it.

Then I continued by drawing Mondus and Celes. Still a bit messy, but I had fun experimenting.

This drawing was a week ago, I was planning on making an oc but changed it up and now we have an inaccurate genderbend shuichi because why not.

A bit messy, but I had so much fun drawing some headcanons with miu! (Messy hair, BIG lashes and eye-liner, scars from her accident, yadayada)

Then I drew rat-ho (rantaro) and I didn't like how it turned out, but I did try some new things which meant that in my eyes I did well. (Backgrounds, perspective, folds/different sleeves, different kind of hair)

So why not draw smoogie next? She planned everything super well but lost in the end, she probably felt numb. I still like this piece :3

This is from like... yesterday😭👍 I GOT OVER MYSELF AND DREW KOKICHI AND IT WORKED!!!! I'm super happy with how this turned out, and decided to experiment with the background. I was just doodling things about kokichi but then I decided to draw kaitos jacket because yk.. that scene... with the smoosh. (Sorry for the minor spoilers people)

Then I doodled Angie during her non stop debates with the sun and flowers etc. Bc... why not. I also dos this with the light of the TV only so... that's fun!

And now my favourite drawing of my least favourite character lmao. Hiyoko! Her smile looks genuine here imo. I also started to learn how to refine the lines so it didn't look so sketchy, I experimented with backgrounds again (second island) and now I have ny latest wip!

Not my favourite, but I decided to talent-swap it. I hc this character to love (the genre of talent) and go ALL OUT. She's from sdr2, who do you think it is? Which talent does she have?

Means I'll be drawing shsl (character ultimate) with the other character she swapped with... which will be hard.

I can try and draw characters together in fanart if you request it but I haven't done that before so beware lmao.

TIPS APPRECIATED, PLEASE RECCOMEND ME SOME CHARACTERS TO DRAW I LOVE ART SM AND I RLLY WANT TO IMPROVE😭💕

[aces-spade-palace]

A story for those that need it. (TW for depression, suicide, SH, and abuse talk) Life has gotten insanely better since I was younger. When I first found Tumblr, I was a depressed, suicidal pre-teen. Tumblr actually made my life so much worse. I got into the dark side. The self harm side. I would compare myself to others and wish I could do worse. I would starve myself and now I'm paying the price for it. Now I look back and see how bad it was. At the time I had no idea half of what I was doing needed medical attention. Now I look at my scars (since I worked in healthcare for 6 years) and see that I probably should have gotten stitches for many of the things I did. I had attempted. I had wanted to end it all. That continued through high school and into adult hood. I had wanted to end it so many times. I thought I hated my parents when they were trying to do the best for me. I screamed and cried myself to sleep most nights because I just hated being here. I had 7 therapists in 5 years. One trip to the psych ward. I have been in abusive relationships and friendships. Lied to and cheated on. I made terrible decisions that could have killed me and I didn't give a damn. Up until a few years ago, I had thought I would be better off dead. I was also close-minded. I was an asshole and genuinely just a terrible person. Now, I'm 25. I found that I am an agender, queer being who enjoys pole dancing and theatre. I also was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety. I am getting married in just a few months. I am working job that I make 50k in without a college degree. I have three cats and we are going to start looking to buy a house after we get married. I am genuinely happy and content with my life. I learned to love myself. Yes, I have my days where I look in the mirror and get dysphoric, I get insecure, but more often that not anymore, I am starting to love myself again. It takes time. A lot of it, but at the end, it is really worth it. YOU do have to put in the work, even if you don't want to, even if you're being forced to, but I promise you that life can be so so worth it. I lived my dream job. I moved out from my parents house and our relationship got better. People have told me they look up to me and that they are proud of me. Yes, boundaries had to be set, my heart had to break on multiple occasions, and I got hurt countless times, but that is a part of healing. The hardest part of it all is doing the things you have to do for yourself. Cutting ties with the people who are genuinely causing you harm, with the things causing you harm, even if you don't realize it. You might feel like you're being selfish, taking care of yourself, but that's because you haven't done that yet. And when I say taking care of yourself, I don't mean go live in the woods in a cabin and hibernate. I mean confronting what is causing you harm. Taking care of your body and mind. Have the difficult conversations, and actually taking steps to improve your wellbeing. No I don't post this to brag, I post it to show that life can change for the better, and it is possible. It just takes work. You got this. My situation is not like everyone else's and I know that. But it is possible to get better, and if no one reads this, that's okay. If only one person reads this and realizes that life can get better, I would be ecstatic. I just want you to know that it is okay to not be okay, and this feeling is temporary. You can do this, and I believe in you. Stay Safe, Stay beautiful, Stay Handsome, Stay Wonderful, and be the best version of you that you can be. You are loved and you are cared for. If you need anything, reach out. I'll be here, and if im not, someone will be here for you.

[pleaseeeimjustagirl]

♡Weekly Chronicles♡

December 15,2023

Hey babes! This week was amazing I am so happy I have created this blog I love being a blogger. I've wanted to create one for yearssss but I never got the time to do it and didn't know what to base my blog on. I love seeing other girlies on the same journey of self-improvement<3.

♡Education♡

The semester is officially over for me on Saturday I am so excited I need this break because school in general can be so stressful and I need this time to relax and pour into myself more I'll probably be uploading here more frequently while on break. 

♡Mental♡ 

I started antidepressants a little over a month ago and have been loving my journey on them my mind is clearer and I don't feel that little gray cloud following me anymore. I am present and not constantly worrying about others and things that I can't control. This is my first time using medication to finally have control over my mental health. Other than that my mental health has been so good. If you deal with seasonal depression you got this girl it's tough. Trust me I get it I've dealt with seasonal depression and anxiety for years and my inbox is always open for a chat but I ask before you tell me your problems ask how I'm feeling in the moment <3

♡Physical♡

I have been super consistent with my diet! Eating clean and working out every day I have been lifting 3 times a week. I didn't get to lift today because I am currently at work while typing this lol but I will make up for it by lifting tomorrow. I am currently fasting trying to make up fasts from Ramadan before Ramadan comes around again in March and I'm not going to lieeee it has been helping me look extra snatched now! Like I woke up looking in the mirror like yesss but fasting has so many benefits besides keeping you snatched it helps a lot internally as well. I recently ordered some items for my gut health journey and it's at the post office so I'm going to pick it up tomorrow super excited! This is unrelated but last night I didn't want to get out of bed to do my nightly skincare routine but I forced myself to remember my goals so I'm proud of that.

♡Hobbies♡

I have been consistent with my Italian lessons on Duolingo which I highlyyyy recommend for anyone trying to learn a new language the way its set up is perfect for me with the colors and drawing it feels like a game to me lol. I haven't been reading like I was supposed to I think I only read 2 times this week that’s super baddd I need to stay on top of it. I have been blogging consistently and I love seeing you girlies reflagging and hearting my content it means a lot and I def need to do a Q&A I’ll drop one next week for sure. I want to invest in soap making as a new hobby for me it looks like so much fun! 

♡Plans For The Weekend♡

I have a trip coming up next week I'm going to Maryland for a convention with a couple of friends from the 23 to the 27. I am super excited it's going to be so much fun. So this weekend I'm getting a lot of things together. I have to look for a few of my outfits for my trip and I'm waiting for my shoes to come. Also, I have my final this Saturday and an appointment with my OBGYN ladies don’t forget to book appointments for your check-ups your inner health is super important please take care of yourselves!

This was this week's little journal entrieee not that much occurs in my life but I still love the little update I gave you ladiesss. Comment your plans this weekend and how did your week go?

[devilishmango]

Kenneski [DEVLOG 5/5/2024]

Hey guys!

This isn't an update to Kenneski, but I just wanted to bring you guys a devlog so you know how things are going and what to expect. ☺️

I'm about half-way through chapter 2, which is exciting. I'm not entirely sure where the chapter is going to end up, because I only have a basic outline of how I want the entire story to go. [Yes, I know, I'm horribly disorganized 😅] So for now, I'm just kind of going with the flow, and waiting for that pivotal, important part to pop up and stuff. The good part about that, though, is that I'm not afraid to go off on different paths and stuff for you to take. I think that'll definitely be fun to play through the story multiple times to see all that you can find out in each one.

Anyway! Down to more technical stuff- I rewrote the beginning of chapter 1, and added a bunch of new coding and whatnot. So, when the time comes to play chapter 2, you will need to re-play the entire thing. But, you will definitely want to, because I've improved a lot of different parts in the first chapter!

Relationship and character-wise, you get to learn A LOT more about each RO, because you get to spend some quality time with each of them. I'm already so excited to get to the romantic parts, but I have to keep restraining myself and let the relationships develop naturally. This can't be a PWP 😂 [I mean, if you guys are interested in some PWP side-stories, I can definitely oblige you... 👀] You also get to learn a little more about MC, one thing being kind of a major spoiler so I can't say anything about it for now. You'll just have to wait to find out about it when I upload the demo!

SO! Speaking of uploading the demo: I'm hoping to have chapter 2 finished by the beginning of June... But it may reach towards the middle of June. It all depends on how much writing I can get done THIS month. 🥲

Anyway, that's all I have for now! I'll hopefully get you the update next month. See you guys then!

CURRENT WORD COUNT: 30,635 45,440 [+14,805]

Also, as promised, there's a little sneak peak under the cut!

With a quick glance back at the door, I make sure no one is watching before I quickly pick up the little dagger and hold it in my good hand, feeling the weight and cold metal against my palm. Then, I realize that I have no idea how I’m going to keep this weapon hidden away in my sleeve without it falling out… That is, until I see a few pieces of thin rope lying on the floor.  Deftly, I pick the rope up and place the cold dagger against my left arm, careful of the stitches. Then, after some finessing, I’m able to wrap the rope around my arm a few times, before tying the ends into a knot with the help of my free hand and teeth. After I pull my sleeve down, I can feel a sigh of relief escape my lungs when I realize that the sleeves are //just// loose enough that the dagger is unnoticeable. Feeling rather proud of myself, and a little reassured that I now have a weapon, I continue my search of the storage closet.  Farther into the storage closet, I can barely see anything except for vague silhouettes on the wall. There seems to be some sort of handle, but I’m unsure what it’s connected to. Is it another door? Why would there be a separate entrance to this storage closet? Where does it go?  I stumble my way into the dark, my good arm out to guide me, before I suddenly stop dead in my tracks. The hairs on the back of my neck stand on end as a cold breeze drifts through the storage closet, bringing along //something else//… A feeling. A feeling that I’m being watched.  Looking around is pointless, as I can’t see much of anything. But that means I’m unsure if there’s actually someone in this closet with me, or if I’m just being paranoid. And if I can’t see my surroundings, how do I know if it’s safe to retreat?  Something catches my attention- a small movement in the back corner of the storage room. I squint my eyes, trying to see into the inky blackness… only to realize that I’m staring at a //figure//. Whoever this figure is, it’s hard to see them clearly. They must be wearing dark clothes since they blend into the darkness so well…

[sunflwryu]

tldr; i'm probably not going to write on this blog anymore.

i don't want to say that i won't completely because hey, maybe one day i'll feel like it, but this is what i wanted to say because i don't want to leave you all waiting...well, it's likely you've stopped after some due to my inactivity and that's okay and valid!

i became inactive here because i wasn't enjoying writing anymore, nor was i into k-pop that much, especially since i was into it a lot to help me cope with how terrible and lonely my life was and felt, and sometimes it still is. writing became somewhat of a hollow thing for me, and i tried so many times to write my drafts, to get the words out, but i couldn't. i would be taking things out of my control that had to do with my blog and writing to heart, i would get so frustrated and depressed at myself to the point that i put an incredible amount of pressure on myself to write something, anything, and when i didn't, my thoughts would spiral on top of what i already had to deal with irl.

so i left this tumblr behind for the sake of myself, hoping that maybe my passion and love for writing would reignite after a break, but it hasn't, not for this blog, only for the journal entries i wrote to cope with my daily life and mental health. i've never been much of a social media person anyway.

i feel like a completely different person than when i was last here. i'm not into k-pop anymore and i barely know what's going on in terms of news and drama but i'll tune into some songs and the older ones that give me nostalgia from simpler times. i've made friends who genuinely appreciate me and i've gotten better at setting my boundaries when it matters and taking care of myself. i have someone that genuinely likes me and always is there for me and tells me i'm beautiful everyday without fail. my skin has gotten better and less painful these days too.

there's a lot that's happened since my last post a few months ago, but what i can say is my life has improved, although there are things i'm still working on, including my ultimate goal i'm still reaching for of a happiness that isn't so fragile.

i want to focus on that goal now.

that's not to say that this blog doesn't mean that much to me, because it does. it helped me so much back then to cope with what horrible things i was dealing with, to write about a world that's not this one, to help others who maybe felt like me, to free my heart of the ideas i kept suppressed for a long time. it really built that foundation for me to grow as i am now.

so thank you so much for all the likes, all the reblogs, the comments, the moots, the readers, the followers, the anons, everyone who's ever set sights on this little blog of mine.

thank you for sticking with me along the way and helping me to make this blog a place that i'm proud to look back upon, to reread my works again and remember how much fun i had writing them. thank you for liking them and telling me your thoughts, thank you for giving them love because that made me happier amidst what i was going through at the time. i hope i was able to give you all comfort and entertainment through the works i enjoyed to write.

i'll pop in sometimes (no promises on the frequency of that), read some stuff, answer asks, make major update posts, but i don't think i'll be around too much. oh, and don’t worry, my blog will stay up, i’ll never personally take it down unless smthg else interferes. if you've read this far, congratulations! have a heart ♥

but seriously, thank you for everything. — yumi

—

p.s. credits to @argodeon for the banner/image! it's so beautiful!

[gluttonyedits]

Honestly you're one of my favorite blogs and I adore how you edit and your style- I don't interact all that much due to school and not being on Tumblr much to fill my queue to keep active, but I'm probably going to end up practically spam queuing up your edits because they're absolutely scrumptious!

I'm not all that popular of an edit blog either- though I have taken a bit of a break, and you're definitely very underrated for the wonderful quality of edits you have!

Thank you very much, anon, you’re appealing to my ego a lot here and.. it’s so awfully very kind of you.

I mean I have come a long way in two years, I’ve definitely improved so so much from my earliest work and I’m proud of my growth as an editor. The problem I face though is that I feel like a lot of editors and editblr nowadays is just… very samey for me not gonna lie. And even if someone is only editing for, say, a few months and they’re a couple years younger than me, they’re still producing the same level of editing as everyone else I see. I don’t know how to make those popular gif and still image headers. I don’t like the popular lace image, it isn’t my style at all. I don’t use PSDs because they confuse me and I don’t have a PC or any software, all I have is ibis. I don’t mean to ramble here, but it’s merely how I myself view what I do against all the other editors.

I do feel sometimes this kind of invisible peer pressure to resort to more popular editing styles, with all the pastel colours and laces, but I don’t follow that because I feel like if I did, I would lose my identity as an editor. And yet the problem is I’m seeing all these editors who have been here for say a month or two and they’ve had this storm in requests and followers and they’re having milestones every month or two. It’s taken me two years and I’ve yet to get to 300. And while yes I started exclusively as a kin blog for a fandom, and then widened my reach, it’s.. still depressing.

But yk what? At the end of the day I’d rather keep my identity as an editor even if I stay small and my sources are obscure. I’m proud of myself and that’s what matters. My only hope is people don’t start exclusively requesting the themed flags instead of my many many edit types!

/gen for all of this, I’ve had a terrible few months. Here’s hoping June will be better. Happy Pride Month anon. Sorry I sound like I’m drunk. I’m not.

[fimproda]

Firstly, when you get this, you have to answer with 5 things you like about yourself, publicly. Then, send this ask to 10 of your favorite followers (non-negotiable, positivity is cool)

Hi, thank you so much for this ask!

Let's go, then. In no particular order, I like:

My education. I went to an excellent elementary school, a nice middle school, a good high school, and now, I'm attending a great university. I'm proud of my past choices; I'd do them again without batting an eye.

My writing skills. I've been cultivating them for years: "unofficially" from the very moment I was able to string two coherent sentences together, "officially" from 2014 — ten years this September. I've grown into a writer the same years I was growing into a woman, so the two things are inextricable from one another in my opinion.

My mind. It's traitorous, sure, and often nervous and/or anxious, but also, I'm pretty damn smart when I want to be — and I mean both book smart and street smart, depending on the case. Most importantly, I believe, I like being alone, with the sole company of my own thoughts. I have a good relationship with myself.

My friends. I'm very selective with the people I allow myself to grow attached to, and while this means I have a restricted circle of friends, it also means that I've surrounded myself with people who share most of my interests and my personality and who would never turn their back on me, just as I would never turn my back on them. This has proven to be especially true with regard to my uni friends, whom I've only known for little more than two years but feel as if I've known them since childhood.

My body. I'm short, thin, and not so immensely beautiful as to turn heads, but every time I look in the mirror, I'm pleased with the young woman I find on the other side of the glass. Dying my hair in December 2020 to resemble my natural color — the same shade of blonde I was as a little girl — was one of the best decisions I've ever made, and it's done wonders for my self-esteem. I've also worn braces in my teenage years, and now my teeth are (mostly) straight, even if a bit stained from lack of fluoride in certain areas and my love of black tea. My clothes and makeup have only improved the situation since I've learned what styles and colors look best on me, even if the day I understand armochromy will be the last day of the human civilization. And, thank God (= my dermatologist), this stress-related-acne thing of the last few months seems to be finally under control, so I'm back to being gorgeous from head to toe, just in time for hot girl summer. 😎

[resande]

Hey. I'm a mutual of yours, we've been for a few months now. I'm here not only to tell you that your steddie fanarts are out of this world (that they are), or how much I like your art (that I do), or how talented you are (that you are).

I'm here to tell you that I appreciate every minute of effort behind your hard, hard work. Yes, you're talented, no doubt of that, but behind every talented person there are a lot, and I mean A LOT of hours, self teaching, experimenting, discarded wips, study hours, mental struggle to do art, to see the flaws on our pieces, to not being ever fully satisfied with what we do, and yet to sit again and keep doing art and sharing it despite everything I mentioned before.

That's hard work, that's passion, and strength, and stubborness, and that's more important than talent, and I think I'm telling you this because I, as an artist myself, would love to hear it sometimes. I flush and fluster whenever someone calls me 'talented' (who doesn't like praise?) but I would tear up if someone sees what I do and tell me "god, this piece must have taken you hours, and being able to do this, must have taken you decades."

So I am here to appreciate that, to note and congratulate you on every single minute that you spent working to become the amazing artist that you are.

I hope you have the greatest week, and that with this, your Monday is a little bit less Monday-ish.

Love, V

I'm having a hard time, with life at the moment.. i have to do so much stuff and work a lot when i should've been resting after a stressful uni year. And the only thing that i consider resting now is art. The art that i couldn't pursue full time in the country that i live in. Or for the art that so many told me that i'll stop eventually doing because way down the line i won't be able to anymore because of the future job that i've chosen for myself and such. But since highschool i'll say this for as long as i'm breathing: i can't live without art and it will forever course through my veins.

As dramatic as that may sound, it's true. Before steddie i thought i was going to quit art just because no matter on each platform i'd try, i was getting like 100 to 300 notes/likes on a 44 h piece. Not exagerating one bit. And it went like that for like a year. But the only problem was that i had the wrong audience. This steddie fandom brought out the best of me and i improved so much as an artist thanks to you, fellow artist friend and so many more amazing artists/writers/people i've met down the line.

The fact that you took the time to tell me you appreciate all my sleepless nights, all my frustrations, small victories, learning from my mistakes. It really feels like soothing balm against wound. Hence i cried when i read your message. I thank you whole heartedly for your kindness, it made my week so much brighter. And i want to give the same warmth to you, in return. No matter the fact that i don't know how your art looks like. I'm congratulating you too, for coming so far, for all the progress that you've made. For the days you let your heart out to sing on paper or through pixels. For struggling to get the structures right the 100th time. For trying again and again until it felt right. For not giving up. And for sharing a piece of your heart with us. Even later in life when you'll be able to only doodle on napkins or painting on large canvases, never let that fire within you die. Because you're special and we're so lucky we get to see another version of life through different eyes and experiences.

And for whoever may read this. I'm congratulating you too and all the above. No matter what you're doing and what you're pursuing. I'm so proud of you too.

This went for way too long and i rambled a whole lot, i know. But in the end, i wish you an amazing week ahead of you, and all the best.

With love,

Res.

[biganimal92]

update for the 4 of you reading this that care (this isn't meant to be pessimistic I just mean that very few of my friends follow me on here lol)

I feel like my art has been stagnating for a long time and it's mostly because I limit myself to fandoms and the attention I get for my fanart messes with the way I value my self-worth so a few months back I decided I wanted to start doing a lot more with my art to gain more personal fulfillment and to give myself a direction i actually wanted to take it in so that i felt like i was making progress and going somewhere with it. I was making plans to create a proper portfolio of things that weren't star wars yaoi or the dudes from fall out boy fucking, and I was planning on launching a YouTube channel where I posted speedpaints and stuff and I actually made some decent progress

I drew something I was really proud of and I knew the content in it would be pretty popular despite still technically being fanart, and I had a time-lapse recorded for it and everything, I was even halfway through the script. I also had a number of original drawings I'd done that I never posted anywhere and I felt like by this time I should have been able to properly launch this stuff and start taking appropriate steps to have my art reach a wider audience.

butttttt then my laptop died suddenly and randomly (i was literally using it just fine, i lifted it up from my lap and it shut off and wouldnt turn back on) and it's been in the repair shop for a week and they still don't know what's wrong with it. they think it's a motherboard issue and if it ends up being at least $600 to repair it I'm just getting a new laptop. I think they can transfer the data on the hard drive to an external that I have and if so that'd be wonderful because that laptop contains all the work I've been doing these last few months for this thing I wanna do with my art.

thankfully since then my roommate is letting me have one of his backup gaming pcs (he works in tech so he has plenty) and I've been able to get set up there in case I need to start my progress over, but the issue is that it's a Linux and clip studio literally doesn't work with Linux because the desktop version of the program apparently relies on either edge being installed if it's windows, or safari being installed if it's Mac. so I can't sign in or download the full version, I'm stuck with the super limited trial version, and because of this I've been trying to get comfortable with Krita. which thankfully can record time-lapses.

my mental health has only been improving since moving to Seattle despite some pretty low lows so thankfully, even though this is uh a pretty big deal all things considered, I'm handling it really well. I had one horrible encounter with a psychiatrist when trying to get treatment for my anxiety and adhd, but since my insurance here sucks since I'm poor and nothing has worked for my other issues I've been fortunate to be able to see doctors about, I've officially become a crystal mommy and I've resorted to ~alternative medicines~ and as a result I've had a considerable amount of improvement in a very short amount of time with the things I've struggled with getting help with from a professional psychiatrist. so yeah, I'm only getting better

biggest issue that still impacts me is that my attempts at befriending people irl have not borne much fruit, granted I haven't been trying super hard but with a huge covid spike coming up soon, said weak attempts are going to have to be put on hold for the time being. especially since the main thing I was literally going to do as soon as Christmas was over was join this drawing group that meets up every other Sunday, but now I don't have my laptop so it'll just have to wait regardless of what the state of things are looking like otherwise

uhhh what else. oh yeah I got into Chinese yaoi and Indian cinema and I got out of my head enough to start playing genshin impact again so basically I'm a huge faggot ama

OH SHIT I forgot to mention I got another horrible job and I'm kind of trapped into keeping it for at least a year unless something catastrophic happens because it's giving me really important experience in the field I'm trying to go into, but when I say it sucks I mean it's probably the most disorganized place I've ever worked at that wasn't a locally owned franchise. I work at an open-access low income healthcare organization that's all over Seattle so when I say it's terrible and disorganized I think you get the picture

anyway I don't know how often I'll be on here but I'm bored and lonely and scrolling through tumblr seems like a better use of my time than spending an entire shift looking at r/shittyfoodporn

[aerialworms-art]

October wrap-up

So! October is at an end! And I have not finished Spocktober/Trektober. Let's see how I did!

My goals for the month were:

To have fun :3

To get used to finishing drawings

To get used to posting them, too!

To have fun :3

To improve my sketching and lineart skills

To end up with a bunch of finished drawings (of Spock!!!) :3

To let go of a bit of my perfectionism

TO HAVE FUN :3

So how do I think I did?

Having fun:

I had a lot of fun with it this year! In previous years, I've pretty much immediately devolved into an anxious mess because there were too many options and I bit off more than I could chew. This time around, thanks to my guidelines (only inking, not spending too much time on each day, sketching and thumbnailing in advance), it was a lot easier to let loose and have fun thinking up ideas and enjoying the process. Plus, I let my friends know I was doing it this time around and got encouragement and support, which was lovely.

Getting used to finishing drawings:

I did better at this than I thought I would! There are several drawings I've finished this month that I would have given up on if not for this goal. Do I think they were all my best work? No. Did I learn from the process? Yes! And some of the ones that have gotten the most notes were ones I thought no-one would like and struggled to finish. So! I also figured out new ways of motivating myself to finish things, which is also very helpful.

Getting used to posting things:

Also went better than I thought! Although I didn't manage to maintain a cushion of queued posts like I wanted to, the response I've gotten from actually posting my art has been amazing! I've gained several new followers (hello!!) and gotten so many nice comments, and went from being afraid of posting anything to tentatively looking forward to people's reactions, which is a huge improvement for me. Getting that accountability of posting publicly also helped keep me going when I felt like giving up - seeing my friends laugh when I showed them my silly comics or getting nice comments really made me feel like sharing my art is worthwhile. So thank you to everyone who reblogged my art, commented, liked, etc. I'm glad you did!

Improving sketching and lineart:

I definitely think I improved my art skills. Getting into the habit of thumbnailing really helped take the pressure off the sketching phase, and trying so many different ideas pushed me out of my comfort zone and forced me to try drawing things I wasn't so confident on - look how many hands I drew!!!! As for the lineart, I think I've gained a bit more experience in using pens, although I did buy a whole new set of them halfway through the month which put me on a new learning curve. Lineart's never been a huge favourite of mine, and I do miss using my tablet to do lineless art, but the nature of the challenge did help me to loosen up and experiment to keep my mind engaged the whole time.

To end up with a bunch of finished drawings of Spock:

Check! I have 14 finished drawings, with another four sketched and needing inking, plus a whole load of thumbnails to work from in future. I may go back and add colour to some of the days for funsies, but there's several that I can just put on my wall as-is and be proud :)

To let go of a bit of my perfectionism:

I definitely did! Like I said, there's a few of the ones I've posted that I'm not too proud of and know I could do better on, but I've spent all month purposely smacking my hand away from perfectionism, and I know I've tried my best given my limitations. I'm still proud of myself for getting this far, and for posting when I was anxious, and for improving my skills, and now I get to stick up my art on my wall and be proud of it! I'm not magically cured by any means, but I do have a bit more evidence that perfection is not a good goal to pursue, so I'm going to keep this experience in mind for the future.

So what now?

I do have thumbnails for almost all of the rest of the prompts. I am doing NaNoWriMo this month, and I have a digital piece that I want to finish for the 5th (holy shit. three years.) So I think I'll take a little pause on these prompts, but I don't want to stop. I'll keep coming back to them, and keep posting them, until I run out of prompts or motivation, whichever comes first. I've really enjoyed seeing people's reactions to my Star Trek art, especially the comics! I also have a backlog of SPN fanart I want to post, so I'll probably queue some of that to come out soon.

TL;DR: Watch this space!

And if you've been following along/commenting on/reblogging my art this month (or anytime), thank you so much! It's folks like you that make sharing art worthwhile!

[rainfleckkitty]

This post is mostly just me rambling because I'm happy and I feel like telling the world

That's your heads up

I am disabled. However, I have refused up until rcently to refer to myself in any sort of way that could imply that, other than offhandedly mentioning my diagnoses.

A few months back, I was struggling deeply with my work, and I mentioned it to a friend of mine. They said "You should get a mobility aid! I could help you do research on them!" Which was utterly baffling to me. Why would I, an able bodied person, need that? I mean sure, I had copious amounts of pain from doing pretty much anything, and I would be completely fucked after a day at work... but why would I actually deserve help for that?

Well, fast forward to this month. I don't remember what exactly spurred me into thinking of asking, but I mentioned to my Mau that I would like to get a walker. Her response? "Oh, yeah! We have one of those you could use!"

I was shocked. Apparently, we just happened to have one from around a decade ago, it was my grandfather's before he passed away.

I was honestly overjoyed. We cleaned it up that night, because the next day was my Mau's birthday. We were going to be headed to a wildlife park sort of thing, with gardens and lots of walking.

It was the first time in years I genuinely enjoyed myself somewhere that required phsyical activity without being in so much pain I was wishing for death.

My and a close friend who I consider family got to go to a fair for 7 hours a few weeks later, and I had the best time I've ever had at a fair. It was absolutely phenomenal, and I was only exhausted, not crying. I was happy, both during and afterward. I got to experience something I never thought I'd have.

I always say I hate going places, doing things. But that's not what I hate. What I hate is the pain that comes with it. The fact that everything I love about it is eventually overriden by my agony.

I might start to be able to do things I loved when I was younger. Because of a mobility aid. This means the world to me. Thus, I'm proud to have found something that helps. I'm so fucking happy.

There's nothing particularly important about this post, it's just me feeling safe with the fact things may improve. Thank you to anyone who was willing to listen.

While I'm here, I'd like to share some photos of my walker. It's absolutely perfect to me. I love it so much.

[unma]

Uh, mentions of suicide (not attempted, but considered) and suicidal ideation under the cut I guess. And lots of talk about my depression. And a bit of oversharing. Did I say this blog wasn't for venting? Well, I'm unpacking these things as I write them so please be kind with me, okay?

Still thinking about my memory and how it's gone from me being proud of remembering the most specific stuff to barely being able to remember anything past a certain point save for really specific mostly intensely painful (usually mental) periods of my life.

I don't think it's memory issues (or at least the kind where I'm simply incapable of actually recalling things or putting moments into long term memory). I just think that there isn't much for me to remember in my day to day life outside of the internet.

I spend most of my time moping around, looking forward to the day where I'll be free of everything that has plagued me. The optimism younger me had about leaving this life behind and becoming a new me is gone, replaced with a me that has accepted the reality that it would be a long struggle to get to that day that I'm happy. I already had to pull myself out of the pit that was wanting to actively end it all, and now I wallow in despair wondering if it'll happen anyway.

it was only weeks ago (or perhaps months? Time has begun to blur for me since forever ago) that I found out I had friends who were glad I wasn't dead. IRL friends, in specific, as I wasn't too open about my struggles online, for obvious reasons. I mean, I was also gone from this blog for a year or 2 due to related matters, so obviously no one online would know about any of this since I wasn't here.

Back on track, I had a classmate of mine call to see if I was still okay and doing fine. I wouldn't call him that close of a friend—he's the type of person who's an asshole on purpose but friendly enough, so you can tell when he's taking a piss and when he's being genuine, but he doesn't pull it off nearly as well as a much closer friend of mine—but he was one of the few I'd let know that I wanted to die. Even though I'd made it clear ages ago that I wouldn't ever pick up a knife, he was still glad to know I was okay. And upon mentioning that to others who knew about my woes, they all responded that they too were glad that I was doing okay. It felt nice to be cared for.

So it's a shame that the only way I can talk to any of these people is online.

There isn't much for me to look forward to offline. My family's awful, as you can probably tell from today's posts, I hate most of the people I know in church (not to mention that being agnostic and having a horrid experience with the church growing up makes that place a living hell to be in) and there's nowhere for me to go outside. Not to mention it's way too hot. No really, I tried to go for a walk outside today and didn't even make it an intersection before the sun made me turn back. And I'm the one who used to wear hoodies in the blaring sun before I moved. It's way too hot here in the summer.

Every time I try to improve something about myself, be it my posture or not spending all my time in my room, I'm reminded ever so swiftly of why I'm like this now. At some point I resolved to sit in the living room often, but every evening my dad would come home and yell about something that had gone wrong, and because I was the only one nearby I'd be the only one subject to that yelling. And then I remember the reason I never left my room was because child me realized that greeting my mom when she came home from work was never worth it because she would 100% send us to do chores. And she wondered why no one ever greeted her when she came home anymore.

There's a lot of things the internet has done to me that would make me wish I got on here when I was older. But it pales in comparison to how much good it's done for my life. How much it's shaped me into a much better.

And the fact that I'm still alive, I guess.

I think often about how my dad once told me he knew me better than I knew myself. Back then I thought "Do you know your son doesn't want to live anymore?" I still wonder if he'll ever find out. If he'll ever realize that the pressure he and my mom placed on me to get better academically, even as I was one of the best performing students and simultaneously already struggling to keep up with the stress from maintaining those scores. I wonder if they'll ever understand that the hate I feel for them is not childish rage at not getting my way—not a rage that will fade as I grow older and wiser in life—but a deep hatred that will never fade until I'm free of them forever.

I wonder if they'll ever realize that they were horrible parents. Even now they're constantly blindsided by the effects of their own bad parenting. Effects that I, the oldest child, continued to point out to them when they first showed up. Things that I very clearly told them needed to be corrected.

Perhaps the fact that I had to point out that they were failing at being proper parents to my younger sister constantly as I grew up is just another sign of my shitty upbringing. One in which I was forced to learn to be mature at a young age. To be the smart one. Above breaking the rules, above being playful and immature. Perhaps it's no wonder in the end that I simply stopped caring, when fun was something I continually had to fight for, and stress was simply the norm. Even now, as I think back on my past, most of what I remember was the time and effort I spent. How proud I was to pull an all-nighter to finish handwriting my Business Studies notes, as if my rides to school were not already spent frantically catching up on my CRS notes.

My school-assigned advisor once told me that I had to deprioritize writing to spend more time focusing on school-related work. I wonder what he'd think if he found out that writing was perhaps the main reason I decided there was still a point to life. I wonder what my mom would think when she agreed with him.

Oh well, it's not like there's a point in dwelling on that.

Point is, well, there really isn't much for me to look forward to or do, other than eat and sleep. Not to mention that most of the things I can do suck or actively make my mental health worse, which is fun.

As for the point of explaining that? Well, I think the reason I can't remember anything is because there isn't anything to remember, or at least anything good. What's the point of actually remembering things if all there is to remember is enraging conversations and anxious waits for things I dread? Perhaps the reason I don't remember much about my life is simply because I stopped having things to be happy about. Outside of the internet, anyway.

If I have any consolation, it's that I can still vividly remember a lot of my time online, where I had fun and made friends and learned to be myself. And when I put it like that, it feels pointless that I've even slightly worried that I spend too much time online, when there's no reason for me to reduce my time online.

That's all my pondering for now, I guess. Really long post, yeah, but today's event made me think about... a lot of things, I guess.

[eceeris]

Being a Jack of All Trades

“A jack of all trades is a master of none” is the common phrase we hear about people with multiple hobbies or skills that are at an average level. Being a jack of all trades myself, I grew up hating the fact that I was never “great” at anything. Sure, I have plenty of hobbies and skills that I can use to entertain myself or use to my advantage but I’ve never felt content.

I can sing, paint, sew, draw, write stories, write poems and songs too! I can make beaded accessories, DIY cardboard organizers, crepe paper roses and more but my capabilities with those hobbies and skills are only at an average. For example, I can draw and color well but struggle with full body anatomy and take two to three business days to finish a fully rendered artwork or I can write poems but I can only go as far as a few paragraphs, I can sew but the finished product doesn't always look neat. Do you get what I mean? IT'S FRUSTRATING!!

I've heard from other people too how being a jack of all trades makes them feel as if they're never “great” at anything, only ever good. Thinking you've got plenty of skills but zero to be proud of can make you feel a bit better.

It wasn't until a few months later when I was trying to practice contentment that I learned to view my being a jack of all trades as a win. I may not be that great at anything but I have multiple foundations already for various skills. I have a good starting point and it's up to me to improve my base level skills to become better at the things I'm capable of. I see now that it's not a loss because there's always room for improvement and having access to the internet, I can find ways to improve on my skills with just a few simple searches.

I hope that if you are also a jack of all trades, you see yourself as multitalented, not someone who is only ever good and never great because us multitalented people have so much potential if we allow ourselves to reach far. Remember, you're not a loser, but a winner at versatility!!