#unma rants

[unma]

Okay. Quick vaguepost before I catch up on shit I was supposed to do a couple hours ago.

Just saw a post grace my dash about a proshipper who is apparently disgusting and beyond recourse and the only evidence I saw was screenshots of beyond harmless shit. Just them posting about what they wanted to ship. I'm sorry, what?

How are we so far gone that that is enough to kick a storm up over? I already don't like antis for a variety of reasons, but what the hell? Leave this person alone. The block button exists for a reason, and until they do anything that could actually result in tangible harm, you will forever look really goddamn stupid. I hope you learn and change, but whatever. I might as well follow my own advice and block.

Uh, excuse the rant. I have strong opinions on the fact that people have strong opinions over what other people can ship. It's fiction, for Christ's sake! Stop being such assholes about it.

[unma]

ugh. fuck it, I'll bite. I'm bored anyway, and i have nothing better to do.

Two things. First, a lot of frans shippers age frisk up for a reason. No one here is trying to justify pedophilia, I assure you. Hell, I'm a frans shipper, and you can take a look at any of my works. If you find any frans works of mine that feature pedophilia as a good thing, then feel free to yell at me in the reblogs or smth. Don't care, honestly.

Second, and most importantly. It's. Fiction.

No actual children are being harmed. I don't care if someone is drawing actual child Frisk x adult Sans works. It's fiction. As long as no actual children are being victimized, I'll simply block tags and go about my day.

I will never understand the vitriolic hate so many of you feel for ships you deem as 'morally wrong'. I mean, Toriel is probably hundreds of years old or something, but Soriel doesn't get much of this hate. (And before you say, both of them are adults, the same can be said for many Frans works where time passes or Frisk is aged up. What's the difference? Oh, one was a child in canon? Poor excuse and you know it.)

Point is. Enjoy your damn ships, and stop shitting on other people's ships. Y'all are too terminally online if you're being antis on tumblr of all places. Go get some sunlight and let the cool breeze blow through your hair or something.

And indulge in fics from other ships. Try it, at least once. If you hate it, block it. If you don't want to in the first place, block it. Tags exist for a reason, and y'all don't use them.

Lastly, don't give me the "Sanscest is just self-love". There's a buncha incestual and pedophilic sanscest ships the moment you step into ship child territory. And there's fontcest too. Again, just enjoy your ships.

I'm going to go get myself some ice cream. Feel free to respond, but I don't guarantee a response any time soon. At least until I feel like doing this again.

Undertale Community: Frans is a disgusting ship! There is no way to justify it.

Me: Looks at Sanscest Whatever you say.

[aroace-poly-show]

tell me everything about your ocs. please

YES OMG

so we have a few choices here!!! some are more developed than others simply bc i thought about them more but theres at least a little bit of lore for everyone here!! ill add an asterisk* besides those who arent fully fleshed out :]

ill be adding a summary of them beside them :]

notes: its a fantasy world (bc i find them more fun to do since i can just go apeshit with designs and loreand shit) so very few of these guys are just human, most are some kind of species which ill specify beside them so just ask for more details if you’re curious!!

these are also not *full* summaries im leaving out some stuff so ask if you want anything specific elaborated on!! (please ask im so so happy to explain ive had this in my head for months and ive told exactly one person so im more than happy to keep ranting)

—————

vesper: one of the first ones i actually thought up, pretty traumatized older brother to rumi!! has issues with dealing with grief and guilt over his dead bf. tree/plant person (i never gave any official names, but just think of those “[insert thing] as a person” designs!!), specifically based off a cherry blossom tree!! (im planning to draw his quick ref sheet next :D), has a big big sword!!

rumi: vesper’s younger sister!! also traumatized lol, main event that caused it was the same thing as vesper (it was this big deal i can go more into detail on later, its their motivations for like 90% of what they do), dealing with issues after essentially being left to cope and (try to, it didn’t exactly work out the best;;) all by herself/growing up too fast after mentioned event. even though shes younger shes taller than vesper and will never not make fun of him for it. very playful with her brother!! has a big big battle axe that i had so much fun drawing. also tree person, shes based off a willow tree :D, but shes missing her branch/antler thingies.

unma*: dead bf. liiiiitle bit of a femboy. he was really kind to vesper and loved him a lot and FEELS SO BAD about what happened. literally all he wants in his afterlife is for vesper to MOVE THE FUCK ON. desperately just wants vesper to be happy again even though hes dead and gone. honestly same goes for rumi, even though they werent as close as vesper and unma had been, rumi still really cared for him and looked up to him and feels awful about his death, and unma here just wants them both to stop holding on so tight to what happened, move on as best they can, and be happy again. (they’re both getting there eventually tho <3)

dorian: friends with ebony!! also vespers new very very loving bf (although where i left off in my lil imagined storyline theyre not OFFICIAL just yet bc technically in the storyline i havent gotten to that point, but i do already have many interactions imagined already lol), also in turns becomes friends w/ rumi :D. really nice guy, a wandering medic/healer who generally prefers to not kill anyone or attack unprovoked (but he will make exceptions,,,), has some guilt associated with those he couldn’t save, but handles it MUCH better than vesper… (but to be fair its not a very high bar to cross), carries around an umbrella that doubles as a fighting staff. really devoted to helping as many people as he can. as shown in the ref sheet, while i, again, dont have like any official name for his kind hes got those horns and a tail!! (mostly bc i enjoy drawing them hehe)

ebony*: very shy and really really sweet spider girl who lives in a library with a ghost boy!! shes actually trans :D. honestly a little bit of an anxious mess, similar personality to sucrose (genshin) and kohane (project sekai). aside from the ghost kid she lives with, she doesnt talk to many people, and doesnt have much contact with her family since they didnt have a great reaction to her coming out. theyre also kind of overbearing. for her design, honestly shes incredibly similar to muffet from undertale.

ghost kid*: sorry i have like,,, so little on him. i swear i had a name for him but ive COMPLETELY forgotten. if you have name suggestions give me them pls. i do remember how he died though, feel free to ask about that since it technically involves the town ebony lives in too. i do know he has a cute lil paper crown though <3

weiss: mature lesbian gal. shes pretty smart and serious and especially enjoys working with mechanical stuff. literally made herself a fucking gun. what a girlboss. she used to work as a doctor bc she really wanted to help her partner who has a pretty serious illness, but the place she worked for ended up doing pretty fucked up stuff “in the name of research” and she unwittingly helped in those projects. feels really guilty for it but shes still determined to find someway to save her partner. technically on the run with said partner, and they do lil shows together!!

jex: weiss’s partner!!! originally they were inspired by that specific kind of childish character where theyre like “lets play a game heehee!!!” *tries to fucking murder you* “what a fun game :D” (i love these kinds of characters), but theyre not exactly that extreme. however they do really enjoy doing incredibly risky things acting like its a game. just straight up gambles with death constantly bc they find it exciting. their illness really held them back when they were younger, pretty much never allowed to do anything by their parents since they were trying to extend their lifespan by as much as possible, and they felt like they missed out a lot on just enjoying the life they did have, so thats their goal for the rest of their life. they’ve mostly accepted their inevitable death (which pisses weiss the fuck off) and they really just want to enjoy the time they do have with their loved ones doing what they find fun. they also have a big fucking double scythe. because i was gonna give somebody here a synth and rumi already had the battle axe.

—————

those are all the characters that i can remember so far, if im missing one ill do an update lol

THIS IS SO MUCH MORE THAN I THOUGHT ITD BE HELP

again, feel free to ask any questions id love to answer them

[unma]

Rant below. Some stuff here about homophobia, racism, and my issues with Christianity (in relation to the uni I'm attending).

I've complained enough about being in a christian university and how much that sucks, but the fall festival here happened a couple days ago and I'm starting to genuinely feel unsafe here.

The most recent Internet Today video about Trump, made me realize that if he won, shit really would hit the fan. Specifically me putting two and two together about their plans for denaturalization, and all the racism against Haitian immigrants.

This alone is fine. I mean, it's definitely fucked that one of the two major political parties hates my very existence and the existence of people like me, but I've gotten used to living in such a sucky world.

What made me worried was heading to the fall festival and seeing a table for some conservative organization targeting youths. It makes sense, Christians fine with Christian universities likely lean right anyway, but it did feel a little weird given the fact still fresh in my mind that the future they want would have me gone, either dead or living a much worse life.

Then I saw some of the chalk drawings on the ground, for some sort of event or something (I don't pay that much attention to the goings on if they don't concern me or my classes) and saw a pro-life message. And then I remembered all the homophobic sermons I've had to listen to on Wednesdays. And that racism is still very much a thing, not at all helped by the fact that some of the people I hang around had discussed it in passing.

Don't get me started on their opinions on Israel. I'm scared to even bring that up.

I've mentioned to some people that if it weren't for the fact that I was attending this uni, I might have felt safe to express myself a little more, wear dresses and just try to be me for the first time in my life. And I'd already accepted that I'd have to wait years for that chance, but now I'm slowly but surely getting more and more worried.

It's not that I'm worried about being attacked by a racist or something. Least of my issues, most of the people here (at least, all the people I've met) are kind and rather clearly not racist, and I don't leave my room enough to even be worried about that lol. It's just that a good majority of the people here have political ideas completely opposed to mine, because this is an institution built on said ideas that I oppose. And those ideas include the fact that people like me, people who are queer, are sinners and will gain eternal suffering for just trying to be ourselves.

Who knows? Maybe if Trump continues to open his mouth for long enough they might decide that actually, they don't like immigrants like me anymore and want me gone or dead.

I so hate it here.

[unma]

there are very few things in my life that more constant than the single thought "that's fucking stupid." My entire life in a way has been defined by having to recognize stupid rules and systems and having to follow them anyway because "You're a child and you don't know anything. Listen to your elders."

That has definitely left a permanent stain on the word 'tradition' to me. Tradition is not a good justification for something completely illogical. I grew up in a country where listening and kowtowing to those older than you is important, regardless of how stupid that is, and all I can say is "look where that got us" as my country actively gets worse day by day. It's stupid. I hate it. And even after moving I'm stuck around people who adhere to this.

[unma]

Love how our world is burning down, and people are more and more losing the ability to afford basic necessities of life, but too many people are butthurt that others are gaining the ability to live their lives without fear of persecution and must do everything in their power to ruin it for them.

Instead of, you know, caring about actually making things better for everyone.

I just can't comprehend how bigots think they're doing the right thing by trying to criminalise an entire section of people. I can't.

[unma]

You care concerningly apathetic about being viewed as a tyrant by your son.

[unma]

I keep telling myself to do uni apps, then I get hit with the most downright stupid questions to answer like "describe yourself in three words" or "what is the theme song of your life" and I gain the violent urge to kill God himself. What the fuck? What does this have to do with uni? Why can't I just fight you to the death and take your spot in the uni? That would be much more bearable than this.

[unma]

Can I go one week without some dumbass snoooping into my personal life!

[unma]

taking a break from finishing up this month's frans monthly to complain that I have done 200 rolls and have yet to get Tikoh's new unit. Not just that, but over my last 80 rolls I have gotten 2 SSRs, and both were DUPES. DUPES.

Gbf I love you but why??? Why would you do this to me.

[unma]

anyway, ignoring that, I finished my next shortfic about a couple of hours ago.

I'll probably get it out today so I can focus on the frans monthly fic.

[unma]

Uh, mentions of suicide (not attempted, but considered) and suicidal ideation under the cut I guess. And lots of talk about my depression. And a bit of oversharing. Did I say this blog wasn't for venting? Well, I'm unpacking these things as I write them so please be kind with me, okay?

Still thinking about my memory and how it's gone from me being proud of remembering the most specific stuff to barely being able to remember anything past a certain point save for really specific mostly intensely painful (usually mental) periods of my life.

I don't think it's memory issues (or at least the kind where I'm simply incapable of actually recalling things or putting moments into long term memory). I just think that there isn't much for me to remember in my day to day life outside of the internet.

I spend most of my time moping around, looking forward to the day where I'll be free of everything that has plagued me. The optimism younger me had about leaving this life behind and becoming a new me is gone, replaced with a me that has accepted the reality that it would be a long struggle to get to that day that I'm happy. I already had to pull myself out of the pit that was wanting to actively end it all, and now I wallow in despair wondering if it'll happen anyway.

it was only weeks ago (or perhaps months? Time has begun to blur for me since forever ago) that I found out I had friends who were glad I wasn't dead. IRL friends, in specific, as I wasn't too open about my struggles online, for obvious reasons. I mean, I was also gone from this blog for a year or 2 due to related matters, so obviously no one online would know about any of this since I wasn't here.

Back on track, I had a classmate of mine call to see if I was still okay and doing fine. I wouldn't call him that close of a friend—he's the type of person who's an asshole on purpose but friendly enough, so you can tell when he's taking a piss and when he's being genuine, but he doesn't pull it off nearly as well as a much closer friend of mine—but he was one of the few I'd let know that I wanted to die. Even though I'd made it clear ages ago that I wouldn't ever pick up a knife, he was still glad to know I was okay. And upon mentioning that to others who knew about my woes, they all responded that they too were glad that I was doing okay. It felt nice to be cared for.

So it's a shame that the only way I can talk to any of these people is online.

There isn't much for me to look forward to offline. My family's awful, as you can probably tell from today's posts, I hate most of the people I know in church (not to mention that being agnostic and having a horrid experience with the church growing up makes that place a living hell to be in) and there's nowhere for me to go outside. Not to mention it's way too hot. No really, I tried to go for a walk outside today and didn't even make it an intersection before the sun made me turn back. And I'm the one who used to wear hoodies in the blaring sun before I moved. It's way too hot here in the summer.

Every time I try to improve something about myself, be it my posture or not spending all my time in my room, I'm reminded ever so swiftly of why I'm like this now. At some point I resolved to sit in the living room often, but every evening my dad would come home and yell about something that had gone wrong, and because I was the only one nearby I'd be the only one subject to that yelling. And then I remember the reason I never left my room was because child me realized that greeting my mom when she came home from work was never worth it because she would 100% send us to do chores. And she wondered why no one ever greeted her when she came home anymore.

There's a lot of things the internet has done to me that would make me wish I got on here when I was older. But it pales in comparison to how much good it's done for my life. How much it's shaped me into a much better.

And the fact that I'm still alive, I guess.

I think often about how my dad once told me he knew me better than I knew myself. Back then I thought "Do you know your son doesn't want to live anymore?" I still wonder if he'll ever find out. If he'll ever realize that the pressure he and my mom placed on me to get better academically, even as I was one of the best performing students and simultaneously already struggling to keep up with the stress from maintaining those scores. I wonder if they'll ever understand that the hate I feel for them is not childish rage at not getting my way—not a rage that will fade as I grow older and wiser in life—but a deep hatred that will never fade until I'm free of them forever.

I wonder if they'll ever realize that they were horrible parents. Even now they're constantly blindsided by the effects of their own bad parenting. Effects that I, the oldest child, continued to point out to them when they first showed up. Things that I very clearly told them needed to be corrected.

Perhaps the fact that I had to point out that they were failing at being proper parents to my younger sister constantly as I grew up is just another sign of my shitty upbringing. One in which I was forced to learn to be mature at a young age. To be the smart one. Above breaking the rules, above being playful and immature. Perhaps it's no wonder in the end that I simply stopped caring, when fun was something I continually had to fight for, and stress was simply the norm. Even now, as I think back on my past, most of what I remember was the time and effort I spent. How proud I was to pull an all-nighter to finish handwriting my Business Studies notes, as if my rides to school were not already spent frantically catching up on my CRS notes.

My school-assigned advisor once told me that I had to deprioritize writing to spend more time focusing on school-related work. I wonder what he'd think if he found out that writing was perhaps the main reason I decided there was still a point to life. I wonder what my mom would think when she agreed with him.

Oh well, it's not like there's a point in dwelling on that.

Point is, well, there really isn't much for me to look forward to or do, other than eat and sleep. Not to mention that most of the things I can do suck or actively make my mental health worse, which is fun.

As for the point of explaining that? Well, I think the reason I can't remember anything is because there isn't anything to remember, or at least anything good. What's the point of actually remembering things if all there is to remember is enraging conversations and anxious waits for things I dread? Perhaps the reason I don't remember much about my life is simply because I stopped having things to be happy about. Outside of the internet, anyway.

If I have any consolation, it's that I can still vividly remember a lot of my time online, where I had fun and made friends and learned to be myself. And when I put it like that, it feels pointless that I've even slightly worried that I spend too much time online, when there's no reason for me to reduce my time online.

That's all my pondering for now, I guess. Really long post, yeah, but today's event made me think about... a lot of things, I guess.

[unma]

vent post. Somewhat personal stuff here, but nothing I haven't already alluded to or outright said anyway, so it's probably fine.

someone take tumblr from me on Sundays or a good seventh of my posts are just going to devolve into me venting about how shit my life is for being stuck in a christian family as an agnostic because fucking hell I despise being here. Not even just cause I'm agnostic but my inability to simply shrug off the terminal case of stupid that people in authority seem to have due to our cultural norms and my big ass mouth keeps landing me in trouble. Oh I'm sorry I called you out for being stupid in front of the audience you were being stupid to. Would you like a second serving of that as I explain to you what disrespect actually is and why you're being stupid by using it to hide behind as a shield? Do you need me to explain to you why being older does not make you smarter like our culture seems to insist upon? Do you need me to explain why sticking to rigid tradition and cultural norms without logically examining the merits and demerits of said norms and traditions regularly leads to nothing but problems? Do I even need to explain that when you could just look at our country and see where that got us?

Point is, I have so much to vent about. And I have to deal with this shit every Sunday. Which is a massive pain in the ass, as you can tell from this post and previous Sunday posts.

This all ends in a couple of weeks, but I'm still not looking forward to that either, so I guess I just have to deal with shit everywhere I look, huh. At least it's not like it used to be, where Sundays would result in mental breakdowns for... reasons.

[unma]

Every once in a while my mom does something so blatantly against my wishes that I gain the strong urge to stab her multiple times right there and then. Alas, I am beset with the curse of rationality and realize that would be a horrible idea.

[unma]

Oh wow I hate literally everyone here.

[unma]

Oh finally I'm done with this shitty teens choir thing. If I'm made to do this next year I will simply leave. I do not appreciate being forced to do things I don't want to.