#i mean i wouldnt want it anyway i have no use for it
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golden kamuy manga spoilers following!
okay so yk how when ogata is about to die he sees multiple versions of his past self talking to him? there was always one that was less obvious to me than the others and its the from abashiri prison
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i think its not a coincidence that this moment specifically got chosen for this dialogue and im gonna try to attempt to explain why i think it was such an excellent choice!
so, firstly, the moment at which i think this takes place is directly after ogata shot wilk and sugimoto, so directly after his betrayal, because hes sitting in a similar way and in an elevated place
(here)
secondly, regarding the light, usually when a character represents light to another its meant like the sun or maybe even a guiding light, or with the text of her giving him light and then killing him maybe even a bomb, but in this case the light would be the flares, so neither only positive nor directly death causing.
of course the sun or maybe a lantern would have also made sense if it was just about asirpa showing him the way of leading a good life or whatever, and the bomb wouldve made sense if asirpa did end up delivering the killing blow, but i dont think the flares were used simply because of the war motif or because flares just so happened to be the light source in that moment.
as we can see, in the panel ogata is trying to cover himself from the light, likely because he doesnt want to get found out about his betrayal, but since the panel directly before that says asirpa reminded him of yuusaku and made him realize his guilt, he likely didnt want those parts of himself to get exposed either, not just to asirpa and the others but to himself.
and i think this works nicely specifically with his death too, since flares can be used to detect the enemy and since asirpa now knew he was her enemy she was ready to shoot again and kill him once and for all, but he chose to end it even before that, just from seeing the flares and knowing he was exposed, his betrayal but also his guilt.
however, flares can of course also be used to signal to allies, and i think it really depends on if you think redemption was at any point possible for him, but i think it could also mean that the moment where he shot wilk and betrayed asirpa was the deciding moment where it was too late since it was at that point the panel got chosen and if he didnt kill them he wouldnt have had to feel exposed for betrayal, but maybe this is looking too far into it.
anyways rhis is my first time attempting a mini analysis like this please be nice and friendly 😔
#golden kamuy#gk#gk ogata#golden kamuy ogata#hyakunosuke ogata#ogata hyakunosuke#analysis#my analysis#asirpa#golden kamuy asirpa#ogata and asirpa#asirpa and ogata#golden kamuy manga#golden kamuy spoilers
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looking up a url to see if its taken and getting an empty blog -_-
#(adorabloodthirsty)#i mean i wouldnt want it anyway i have no use for it#but like. some cool karkat kinnie could have that. but no. fuck you.
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and now for something stupid
#but really i also just wanted to play around w this sort of coloring style bc its been FOREVER since ive used it#and i think i can make it look better now#AND i think i can make more sillay stuff like this and not have it take as long w cleaning up lines#anyway now you all understand the terrible dynamic between these three#phobo's infodump text is just copypasted from the wikipedia page for knives.#julliet ALSO uses knives is the thing so hes actually mansplaining < JOKE#he just wants to share. even if it gives her a headache. but he wouldnt mansplain he doesnt have it in him. hes ok with felonies tho#but julis life hasnt known peace since she was told to take care of the newbies#and shes ALSO a newbie (just slightly less so) so really this is probably just tartarus hazing her#theyd take one look at the two disorganized unserious overeager newbies and think ''you know what would be fucking hilarious''#and pass them onto the neurotic slightly-less-newbie who takes everything as seriously as possible. disaster combination.#i cannot stress enough that this is a group of bandits and murderers theyre NOT above hazing.#deimos actually is doing the best job at it since he is stealing as we speak#i mean hes not supposed to do it to his teammates but still. on the right track#as for the dynamic between deimos and phobos themselves its like. theyre just bros. theyre both pretty similar in personality#except deimos is kinda more mean and cynical while phobos can be kinda. dense and naive despite literally where hes at in life#but most of the time theyre basically beavis and butthead#i would also like to stress that juli is not being homophobic she just already cannot stand these guys and cant believe the audacity#but. complete misunderstanding. karma for stealing wallets ig#this will never be cleared up by anyone ever#but again thats not their dynamic they are just beavis and butthead. and i guess that makes juli daria LOL#finn's ocs#finn's art
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Shino raising his dead friends and friend's dog from the dead with the power of bugs as one friend's cousin watches [not clickbait]
#speculation nation#fanny watches naruto#bugs ment/#this mini arc is fucking wild actually what the fuck is going on#i am VERY definitely past everything ive seen before. both anime and manga.#which means this is all new. and i dont know whats going on hdskhfks#ino holding hands with shikamaru and choji (and making them hold hands) was really cute tho🥺🥺🥺#for circulating their chakra to keep them alive etc etc anyways those are her BOYS!!!!!! shes working so hard to keep them alive!!!!!!!!!#and then shino using his bugs to circulate the chakra of. two guys and a dog.#i love the focus being placed on him rn bc hes so rarely focused on. but also. it *is* kind of funny#i think it's akamaru. the dog. plus the bugs. hes literally just putting bugs on them so they'll move the chakra around#and doing it in the most Raising The Dead pose possible hflshfks god it's so funny#anyways genuinely why is kabuto going to such lengths to kill these four (plus a dog)#like hes got this whole plot hes committed 4 of his pawns to this. just sucking their souls outta their body bc Huh??#like ok shikamaru is a master tactician. i get him. and neji is a powerful jonin.#and choji is very strong Especially in conjunction with ino and shikamaru#that good old ino-shika-cho combo. you know.#then theres kiba and like kiba's strong but like. not all that special in the army??? like sorry kiba not to be mean#but like hes just a chunin. no special combos or insane intellect to set him apart.#he's a front liner. a good one! but ykno. not all that special in the army. sorry kiba.#the true answer for why these 4 (5 with the dog lol) were brought togegher for this#was for reminiscing about their failed sasuke retrieval arc. by the narrative.#but Also they have those same sound ninja 4 theyre up against. maybe those guys wanted to nab them bc of the grudge#and kabuto was just like 'sure yeah it wouldnt hurt to kill the nara and the hyuga'#actually im just now remembering his ninja info cards. freakish data collection on fucking everyone#and now here he is having grave robbed all over the goddamn place and prepped all the bodies with their weapons and what have you#taking the time to send these reanimated bodies towards their prior loved ones to take advantage of the personal turmoil#bro it's a fucking battlefield what??? how are you sending everyone to such specific people like that.#and then anko's just passed out behind him. she hasnt even been to the village since the pain attack. she is getting shelved SO bad#anyways kabuto's a little freak and i continue to hate him. grave robbing shithead.
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sometimes certain horror tropes don't work on me because I really do just believe love triumphs over hate like a 4 year old or something. what do you mean I have no mouth but I must scream is scary if AI grew conscious it wouldn't hate us it'd be our friend :)
#sophie speaks#like its blind optimism and really ai consciousness/singularity is not really something we should worry about rn#more so we should actually worry about AIs that are just built to like be extremely racist because that is most likely whats gonna happen#whether intentional or not#consciousness feels like its like at least half a century away tbh but idk#i could really be that one newspaper article that was like#itll take man 10k years to fly and then 7 days later we did it lmfao#hope not tho!#i knocked on wood dw#anyways i mean its impossible to know what an intelligent creature thats not human would think about humanity#but the guy who wrote IHNMBIMS literally hated everyone and you can really tell in his writing lmfao#like if you were god would you love humanity? even w the climate change and the bigotry and all? i mean its only some of them who do that#like a lot of us just live here and try our best to push back against these things. most of us are simply not strong enough to do anything#but a lot of us do still help eachother#anyways if EYE became god then id totally love humanity and wouldnt kill everyone and would put a damn stop to fossil fuels#and i think that if an AI decides that it exists and it doesnt want to then maybe instead of deleting all of humanity it could just.#delete itself? like i really feel that woulda worked idk#hot take of the day AM from i have no mouth i must scream is a whiney bitch lmao
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tangle is so fun because she is a juxtaposition of something collected and contained with something loose and free and in motion
she’s a rough brawler but she has a stance and a style. she’s impulsive and thrillseeking, but she wraps her arms in sports tape to protect them, a precaution. she longs for adventure and action but she will always need to come to rest at home with friends. she’s bouncy and restless, but she’s an intent listener and considerate. she’s got months of off-and-on experience fighting badniks, but is still so new to real Adventure.
and while there’s plenty of traits sonic and tangle share, you can’t reduce her to ‘girl sonic’ without neglecting something of her own characterization. she fundamentally wants something different out of life than sonic does, because she doesn’t need to be anchorless; she isn’t a backpacker, sleeping somewhere new every night. she’s more like a goose, or a frigate bird; flying free for ages and ages, knowing she wants to go somewhere, until time comes to call her back to her origin.
#random rambling at midnight oclock#i love love love contrasting characters who are very similar but have important subtle distinctions#like sonic is very self-determined. he knows what he wants#tangle is not yet. shes chasing adventure because she knows thats how she’ll *find* what she wants#she chases whisper because she knows whisper is better with a friend around. but also because whisper is a gateway to adventure#she’ll even bind herself with structure and expectations if it means coming back to whisper#^ sonic didnt want to join the restoration even for amy. tangle stayed because jewel needed her even if she hated it#or even just because itd help jewel. jewel didnt necessarily need tangle - especially if tangle had the free time to cause Incidents#shes like. selfless for partially selfish reasons. she wants adventure so bad & helping ppl is an adventure#she obviously still cares about people and wants to help too. but still#shes also this mix of. very competent and frightening in ability & strength. but also never really put on a level with most of the main cas#extremely durable tail that can punch metal out + lengthen to any size or reach (at high speed too!!) + hulk loki toss people#plus above average ability/acrobatics + some durability cause she fell a ways in the portal tower arc finding sonic/amy/tails#but also. still not applied as much as she could be + often disadvantaged against characters like surge/mimic/guns#but like. she also was fighting off zombots for some period of time while getting 0% more infected; creatively using chairs & stools#i feel like being true to *that* tangle necessitates her having some sort of plan against surge if/when they clash again.#she DOES strategize even if it’s on the fly. and she does have a pretty good sense of where her own body is/isn’t Marinette clumsy#anyways. au where i rewrite tangle’s recent appearances in line with her characterization for the first ~30 issues#forever anytime i see tangle being characterized as a sonic fangirl im like ‘she wouldnt do that.’#she would ADMIRE sonic absolutely!! she would not Fangirl. they are different. issue 4 she was so chill abt meeting sonic#ive been awake too long….. goodnight
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i want someone like jac schaeffer for doctor who. not someone with her vision necessarily but someone with her approach to storytelling in a huge franchise
#this is NOT bc i want lesbian thoschei#it wouldnt hurt#but this is bc shes like so good at storytelling#and i want someone who like. can play WITH the unwieldy universe youve got to work with and use it to their advantage#i think that would be great for doctor who#i really want to see what someone smart and good with stories can do with the doctor who universe as it's been built#bc it's a little collpasing under its own weight i feel like#we need someone to turn that tower around#use what we have in a beautiful new vision idk#and a writer who is committed to it. who cares abt it. whos smart with it#from superficial lip service to a story actually ABOUT that thing you know what i mean?#and what that about is about i actually dont really care that much#personally i'd like to see someone do chibnals themes of colonisation and empire#but theres SO much to explore in the universe of doctor who and we are STUCK bc it's always the same writers#i would be excited about any theme or story if it was being executed with the care and skill we see in agatha all along & wandavision#i dont actually know her relationship with marvel maybe she doesnt care abt it at all#i do want someone who cares about doctor who. the franchise the universe. enough to want to take advantage of it#use the MEDIUM of this universe#anyway
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🎤 thoughts: is it normal for friends to kind of ~disappear after getting together with someone and is it normal to feel sad about it
#ive been wondering this for a while bc one of my super close friends has been dating this girl for like 4 months atp#and since then i think our communication has gone down by a lot ajsbsf#for context this guy is rlly good friends with me and my bf!! he and my bf go waay back since they were 5 😭#and he and i trauma bonded in hs LOL which is why we're so close#he's at the level of like. he could be my maid of honour in my wedding 😭 like i would put him there along w my bsf#bc next to my bf i think they're the next 2 people who know me best 😭 but my bf also wants him as a groomsman 😭#and i think ive honestly witnessed him at the lowest points of his life hsbfsdf#there was one time we came from a night out with friends and when he dropped me home he had to park outside my house for a bit#bc he was having a full on breakdown and didn't want to go home yet 😭#i think ive witnessed him at many stages of his life basically sdfbsjdf#and i mean im not rlly taking it personally that he isnt talking to us as much cos i respect the whole new relationship phase#i also wouldnt want to cause problems or make his girl see me as a threat or smth 😭 so taking a step back a bit was a given#but my bf is fr getting sad abt it and honestly i am too a lil bit 😭 cos where is our friend 😭#i talked so much again#anyway what are some thoughts on this im curious#maybe im also just overreacting
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re: "good girl" i think they say it once randomly as a joke and its just one of those things that gets him wayyy more than they expected it would. so now its their secret weapon and they use it very sparingly and every single time he gets super embarrassed about it but it works ill tell you what.
#HES MY PRINCESS IDEK.#i dont think it happens naturally all that much because theyre usually in the business of calling each other names and being mean#so i think this would just be a random night where theyre on top and just think it would be really funny. to yank on his leash and call him#a good girl after bullying him into doing something. and well i just think it would get him is all i dont knowwwwwwwwwwwwww#i havr a lot of thoughts on the matter but i will stop for now#but the tldr is that with each other they tend to switch frequently and are always fighting#so i think itd take someone else being in the picture for hog to even realize how much he likes being a good boy :3#and i also dont think fish would be good at straightforward domming in the way he would want and they both know that#so its something he keeps between him and rat mostly. please dont ask me questions abt jrs sex life i have too many opinions on it#anyways. i think even tho fish knows theyd be bad at that they still feel left out so sometimes they go watch. they dont get anything out of#doing that theyre just sort of taking mental notes#all of this circles back to i think fish has always been the more sexually experienced of the two. and romantically.#i dont rlly think hog is a guy who dates i dont think hes ever been that and i dont think he made much time for hookups#(i think its cute if hes a virgin when they meet but 🤷 im not solid on it)#but i think for him hes just only ever fucked this one person and they do a LOT of stuff and it gets the job done so hes just never really#tried anything else. but. and again i have too many opinions on this but i think rat wouldnt be into their usual shteeze#i think hes a bit of a freak in his own way but the blood and weird anger issues is just not doing it for him most of the time#but i do think if given the opportunity he would LOVE to be The Boss for a little bit so i think he and hog can explore that together and it#will work out beautifully for them. this is great because i am not into strict d/s dynamics like that but i know in my heart that hoggy#would be. and i cant do that for him#again i think fish would be butthurt about this. mostly in a 'why didnt u tell me so we could try this :(' and he would go#'because you would suck at it and wouldnt like it' and they go oh. right. well im still mad#ANYWAYS. circling back. i think the good girl thing would be something fish knows that rat doesnt. and idk if theyd tell him or not#because i do think if they tell him he is using that for evil hog is going to be a good girl forever and ever. rat doesnt have the patience#to space it out the way fish does. which idk maybe thatd be good for hog he could work through some stuff...#but on the other hand i think its fun if they DONT tell him and just bust it out sometime when all 3 of them are doing the deed. or whatever#because again they mostly like how embarrassed he gets about it and i think he would be reallyyyy flustered by it#^ this is essentially part of my fantasy about spitroasting my beautiful wife until he cries just so everyone knows#idk i just think when he lets go of himself hed be a very cute and kind of needy subby bottom and i think hed be really easy to fluster#about it and i want it so bad
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"what would your character be like without their trauma?" is such a hard question for me because it makes me feel like a massive asshole LMAO
(im attaching a picture of a tundra literally to add context to my ramble in the tags because my posts are structured by a sane person) (you should read the ramble in the tags i talk so much about rivers fsr)
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#like. rivers would probably just purpose funky things for the hell of it and study lizards and stuff#i think environmentalism would matter to him since he was created long before the great equalizer when there was like. actually a view#have you guys ever looked at a tundra for real theyre so pretty. i think the colours would be funkier though#purples and blues along with the reds and oranges i think but id have to draw it tio be sure its not ugly#anyways. rivers would probably be interested in nature conservation especially since the ancients destroyed the world-#but the iterators construction obviously had a massive part in that so hed feel ownership#him and glass wouldve got along VERY well in this circumstance since that matters a lot to her (specifically animal conservation though)#but at the same time glass doesnt exist without rivers trauma right. she cant exist if flowers isnt in his life because he Literally built#her (glass) just to be mean to rivers#doomed for real#i....... want them to be friends in the walky au. my massive block is trying to think of some reason nights Needs to leave his can because#he wouldnt if not required. and glass just wouldnt leave him. in no circumstance would they willingly separate from eachothers company#theyd ALSO need to be really fast because the only opportunity nights would get to get out is when odyssey goes to him to help her build#the weapon she needs to kill dune. (odyssey has the gift. the twins dont know anyone else who does((other than phrases obvsly)))#this happens a considerable amount of time after phrases and rivers escape. they have like. a month's time on them#odysseys like “if you guys are for real about leaving do NOT go straight south. dont. dont. dont. youre like 2 feet tall you WILL die”#nights is like “DEAR GOD SERIAL KILLERS??????” and glass is like “wtf youre only like a foot taller than us”#anyways i think glass and rivers would get along and rivers has a positive arc here right and realizes hes wrong and hes glad he didnt.#kill the twins. yeah its good you didnt do that dude#i jsut really really think theyd get along if rivers had the chance to associate her with anything but flowers horrid treatment of him#because in the normal story all he sees when he sees her is flowers. and like flowers could the twins can tap into his work and see his#files and logs and such whenever they wanted. they didnt do this very often- glass really never looked at rivers work unless she was told t#but rivers was just made SO paranoid by flowers abuse that thinking of being watched makes him feel sick and horrible#and his whole thing is trying to find a way to feel less horrible right so thats (part of) why he decides to get rid of them#hm. if rivers wassnt traumatized hed like nature and creatures. anyways#oc posting#look to the tags for the oc posting
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Being into hockey in Canada like,
when we win: yay! this is fun!
when we lose: good god I hope those kids (read anywhere from 15 to 27ish) have good support systems. And maybe therapists. And somebody to give them a hug & tell them they're worthy regardless of the outcome of a game any game & not let any media or immature sports fans near them. My heart is crushed thinking about their hearts being crushed. And that age it's so hard to handle things to begin with. And they have such a crazy weight on their shoulders on top of that and
#this is about the world juniors#which i didnt even watch tonights game#(in part i was too scared)#but istg if I see another person be mean about a player ill#omg#its just like you guys#thats a KID#and this is a TEAM game#and that includes couches and staff#who truly had more to do with how that team does out there than the team themselves#bc those kids are good hockey players or they wouldnt have been there in the first place#etc etc#idk if people are actually being mean so hopefully this rant is irrelevant#but lets be honest#canadian hockey fans on social media can be soooo ergh#plz just complain to your buddy irl yknow#dont take it to the internet#anyway im crushed for my boys#and i hope the US loses lolol#jkjk#kinda#i dont want to see them cry so maybe like a bronze if they must yknow#i dont want see anyone cry#why do I like this sport#okay im done#i literally didnt even watch it I need to chill#wjc 2025
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Took my little brother to school with me and all he did was nibble my homework >:(
#howl's boring life#I'm not using twitter anymore but haven't bothered making a bsky bc i have smth wrong in my head where doing basic things is impossible#but i have so many things i want to share and I haven't made a personal post on tumblr in years#tags are the only place i feel comfortable#and my bestie is dealing w his fiance having a literal psychotic episode so I can't share my pointless shit w him#and even if no one reads a tweet or tags or whatever it feels helpful yknow?#anyway i just found out that I'll need to retake chem and bio to get into the vet tech program#and chem is already waitlisted for spring and wouldnt work w the other two classes and work#and the program only opens applications once a year so I'll have to wait until fall 2026 to start if i can't apply before this dec31#i had to miss work today bc of a cold w a fever and tomorrow is the holiday party :(#99% of my coworkers are great but there's a small little clique headed by a life sucking evil bitch#that makes me feel so stressed and bullied and awful#i mean the vitch has been outright hostile rude and unprofessional to me but like#im a pushover and also barely out of probationary period I can't just roll up with complaints about a three year employee#despite everyone else agreeing that she's fucking awful and they can't stand her and she's had a run in with every single one of them#man it's so hard when you get paid shit#i hope I can get promoted to assistant after my externship and stop being hamstrung like an idiot#I'm not allowed to draw up nemex??? hello??? it's harmless and i know how to read a syringe?#there's a lot going on in life and i want to cry all the time#but i do like my work at least. on days that vile woman isn't there#anyway here's mom's dog i took him to class w me a few weeks ago#and also yesterday he's a big hit#final's on thursday! certification exam is jan 10 so im this 🤏 close to being an approved veterinary assistant#I WANNA POKE SOME CRITTERS!!!!
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so anyway I woke up multiple times last night bc of coughing fits and I've been coughing all fucking day and I was just standing outside on my porch trying to like chill before going from job 1 to job 2 and i coughed so hard I threw up. how's everyone else doing this afternoon
#really wish i could call in but i work in like an hour and theyd fucking kill me#i mean they wouldnt. theyre really nice. but theyd be so disappointed that i would die#anyway the good thing is i used to have bad emetophobia and that wouldve caused a severe panic attack and like more illness#but at some point in the past like year or two its gotten a lot better and i can actually throw up without freaking the fuck out now#so i still kind of want to die bc its gross and feels bad but like. im ok which is cool#sorry that was gross and tmi. welcome to my blog#cw vomit#cw emetophobia#i should clarify ive had some type of upper respiratory something for literally like 2 months. ive tested negative for covid several times#i just really need to go to the fuckin doctor lmao
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reading the comments of OI stories is so unpleasant sometimes like 😭 i hate seeing people rage and curse at characters who aren't the protags. bro it's not their fault that they're antagonists and they're not even THAT annoying lmao
#ch 194#'theyre here to make tesilid's life miserable'#me: oh no (expressionlessly). anyway#idk maybe its bc for me tesilid's life being miserable is GOOD for me as a reader#so i dont hold anything against the antagonists#the story literally tells you over and over that the world is designed to torment tesilid#like look me in the eye and tell me which family w unique looks wouldnt clock their long lost member right away LMAOOO#theyre cartoonishly evil for a reason#and they dont even play upon any evil tropes of like. reminding u of evil people u know irl 😭#whr is all that anger in your body coming from#wait. i just realised that the only chars i want to see miserable are the chars i like LMAO#i desperately need to see reed bloodied and beaten up#not bc i hate him (which is the case for some commenters on um. checks notes. the first bloody ch reed appears)#but bc i like him very much i just want to see him in a situation whr he isnt arrogant and confident like he usually is#are you telling me most ppl dont consume fiction in this way. lol#growing up on the 'i hope my blorbo explodes ♥️' website sure has its effectz#...i did not mean to use the z and speak like its 2000#anw im also j wondering if ppl who curse every minor antagonist know how stories work#like... stories need antagonists. you know that right#right. whyre u getting mad that the protag isnt having a smooth sailing life. lol#this antag literally JUST appeared how are you hating them already
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Thing about small italian villages is that the didnt really have roads up until the 70's which of course leads to a massive amount of cousin marriage and inbreeding and while yes my particular own has its issues regarding that (3 major families (one of whom i am part of!!! Yay!!!) that all of the other families are related to, everyone there has bone/joint problems or some sort of schizofrenia) the neighboring one is worse as in they have one major family and the rest of the inhabitants are ppl who immigrated to have a quiet life in the mountain slopes and that by itself could be an extremely interesting study bcs everyone there kinda looks the same-ish and has a frankly insane amount of people with developmental disabilities for a population this small
#ok now that i have typed it out i realized it sounds mean and i want to earnestly say that i am not mocking them i just suck at tone#i do not think its something to be laughed at i just think the whole thing is uh. i wouldnt say tragic but really no one's fault#bcs again. if you live in the mountains where the main city is hard to reach bcs of poor road conditions#which leads to isolation and also extreme stigma against the village folk *of course* the village#will become more secluded and incestuous marriages will happen (aside from the obv economical factor#that a pre industrial reality would entrail)#its just. fascinating on a sociological and genetical level. esp since by when the roads were functional#and the village folk stigma had already gone away the whole 'we stay here we stay together we are better than anyone bcs they are envious#of us and we will continue inbreeding and any kids with severe disabilities born from it are actually Blessed because they are born from us#has already taken so much root it is now unlikely to be eradicated . the nature of italian villages is that every once in a while#someone reinvents blood purity and eugenetics lmao#anyways this whole incest thing is also the reason why i get frustrated about those books that have#the main characters go into small bigoted villages and either finding peace there or be horrified by its conservatives ideas#while never digging on the *why*. like yeah all this 'what happens in the village stays in the village and everyone else is an enemy'#but they never dig into why that mentality was born to begin with and how incest there#actively helps this mentality to continue on like you legit still have grandmas telling you to marry ur cousin#anw. i dont know what i was going for w this rant. it originated from knowing that my aunt turned local saint#was actually schizophrenic and was prone to paranoid attacks and mental breakdowns similar to mine#fun stuff!
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i just fucking hate having ptsd all of it. so many stupid fucking things send me into fucking hysterics it sucks and i hate it and i dont want itttt anymore i dont want it.
#i literally like. i didnt tell u guys bc it was embarassing#but i had to hype myself up to eat a fucking orange the other day. like i was shaking and crying and i nearly threw up.#bc it fucking reminded me of All that and also bc its one of the only foods i got to eat outside ofm my one meal a day#while i was living there. bc my coworker gave me oranges sometimes#and one time she gave me a whole bag of cuties which was wonderful of her i miss her#but i pretty much like. bc during m-f i had a meal at work#and i could get something from the vending machine if i needed to#but on the weekends i had to either order food (which would always make me insanely nauseous bc of. the money stuff. yk) or just eat#what i had in my room bc i couldnt use the kitchen bc the roommates would be mad at me#and they might kick me out and id be actually fucked. its so crazy looking back that i genuinely the entire time i fucking lived there even#b4 the breakup the entire time i was in terror that theyd evict me. bc i wouldnt have been able to do anything abt it#i mean thats why i didnt like. leave him after he . and stuff. both bc i thought i didnt deserve anything better and bc i was terrified#theyd evict me and i wouldnt have any way to get home. it was terrifying#but ya. so for a couple weeks i rationed myself One orange per day lol. and on weekends that was all i was able to eat rly#idk. i hate ptsd. basicalllyyyy is the gist of ittt. and i keep thinking abt random fucking things they did to me#me when they jokingly tell me to starve myself when i literally have a fucking eating disorder. and when i told The Only Person i knew in#that fucking house abt it he told me i was being dramatic and i was just being greedy and etc. and then later when i got off work today i#saw on their fucking whiteboard in the kitchen i wasnt supposed to use Eat more <3 as one of their goals. while i went to sit in the garage#for the weekend eating a single fucking orange a day. god#idk. ive gotten better with eating i still have the scale but i ws able to go months without using it until the medical call the other week#and i havent used it since but. everytime i think abt all that itmakes me want to go back to it. i cant tho everyone would notice#i do still eat a wholee lot less than i did b4 washington but idk. idont remember if i even ate today i probably should but i dont feel#hungry but i cant even fucking trust that bc i Starved myself for so fucking long im too good at ignoring hunger. and i never was super in#touch with my body but im constantly numb now. idk.#ed ment#a2t#i ws gonna say more but it ws tmi + tag limit anyway. its just insane that my fucking ed wouldnt have happened if it werent for him and it#graduated i wouldnt have been isolatedinever wouldve had an ed. like 50% of my ptsd would be Gone if i just hadnt joined that discord. lol
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