#i may or may not have bipolar and may or may not have had another episode and i may or may not be out of it now

[shalom-iamcominghome]

I was dreading Yom Kippur for a while, but honestly, it has been so healing and I didn't think that was what I'd be feeling.

In the time between my fears about Yom Kippur and today, I've (maybe) had an intense mixed episode for the past few weeks and today is the first day I feel... somewhat normal. And spending this time with everyone, admitting to each other and to g-d that we missed the mark last year, that we are human has been really intense.

I'm emotionally exhausted, but when my fist is against my chest, when we're singing about our faults... It doesn't hurt as badly. It's this idea that, no, I'm not some demon because we all have done these sins and we're all pleading to g-d for atonement as equals is just... It's something I never really consider to be true.

[iamzer0]

May u do yandere thanos with pregnant reader (same story like 333 and 222 but thanos didn’t know she was pregnant. And reader broke up with him on text because he was so possesive and she moved blocked him on all socials and yeah then in the game they meet again)

Hii ofc!(you know what’s crazy this is like one of my first times writing romantic Yandere i hope I don’t let you down)

Yᴀɴᴅᴇʀᴇ Tʜᴀɴᴏs ᴡɪᴛʜ Pʀᴇɢɴᴀɴᴛ Rᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ

A/n: I really hope u like this one!

Now to provide some background on how you ended up stuck with the worst ex boyfriend you’ve ever had.

You and Thanos were a thing, and honestly the reason he was the worst ex ever was simply because of his possessive behavior.

Any time you went out together he kept you firmly planted by his side.

He wouldn’t let you even breathe the same air as another guy.

Anytime you were on your phone for longer than 20 mins he would snatch it saying “what guy are you texting?”.

He was very insecure and always thought that if he gave you the chance to leave you would immediately get with someone else behind his back.

He was always on something, when he was on ‘stuff’ he would be very bipolar.

Yelling at you then hugging you from behind saying he loved you and asking for a kiss.

It was just toxic so when you found you were pregnant, you knew that your baby couldn’t grow up in such an environment.

You ran away from him, with the little money you had.

You see Thanos convinced you to put all your money into MG coin and long story short you lost everything.

You were on your own, sleeping in your car, begging for food.

Then one of your friends snitched to him about your pregnancy.

He used several fake numbers just to try and contact you, he tried every tactic in the book just to hunt you down.

It was hell.

So when you were given the opportunity to enter this game thing for money you jumped at the chance to give you and your baby a new life.

You woke up in a hard bed in new clothes it was a bit unsettling but in the end would be worth it… you hoped..

Thats when you spotted the one person you vowed to never ever see again.

Thanos.

Your heart was in your stomach, to say you were terrified was an understatement.

You were frozen, unable to move.

Then he spotted you.

He ran over to you pushing people out of the way.

He grabbed your hands, inspecting your face. He then hugged you practically jumping in you.

He had a legit death grip.

You snapped back into reality realizing the gravity of this situation.

“L-let me go… you’re hurting me!” You screamed as a last ditch effort to force him off of you.

He let you go ignoring the puzzled looks from others.

He put his hands on your belly, speed asking you various questions.

Such as “why did you leave?, why didn’t you answer my calls?, where have you been?, how’s 𝗼𝘂𝗿 baby?,” and the list goes on.

You immediately regretted even entering the games.

During red light green light he made you stand right next to him.

When the first person died, he popped a pill and started trying to drag you across the field with him. Laughing at the ones who died.

It was insanity.

You started full of sobbing as you reached the finish line.

Being back with Thanos was more terrible than before, to say he freaked you out was an understatement.

After the first game he was surprisingly very kind to you.

He hugged you close rubbing your belly while muttering an half hearted apology.

You knew that this was another mood swing, a side effect of the drugs.

Now that Thanos was unfortunately back by your side you had to readjust to his controlling ways.

He would obviously try and make you pick O saying that the more money the better.

He would ramble on about y’all’s lives together when y’all were out of the games.

Despite him almost always being in some drug induced haze he was very aggressive to others when they tried to help you.

He would goes as far as to threaten the guys that got to close to you.

For example in the game mingle he had been holding your hand tightly so you would be by him the entire game.

But as the robotic voice called out “3” someone literally snatched you from him.

After that round he started trying to fight the poor fool that took you from him for less than 5 mins.

He was always holding on to you tightly, scared that if he even blinked you would be gone in an instant.

A/n: I hope u all liked this one sorry I haven’t been active for a little bit I promise to try and upload daily. Love you all so so much bye bye╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

[reasonsforhope]

Life is hard for neurodivergent people in Peru. Now a grassroots uprising of people with bipolar disorder, ADHD and autism – organised through picnics in the park – is pushing for change at the heart of government.

On a bright summer afternoon in Lima, the capital of Peru, Carolina Díaz Pimentel takes some red and green tape out of her backpack. She’s in a park waiting for people to arrive at a picnic she and her friends are hosting. Guests know that they don’t have to be on time, don’t have to make eye contact, and can leave at any time if they feel overwhelmed. No one will question them.

“We want everyone to feel comfortable. At least this afternoon we want to take a break from the rules that are imposed on neurodivergent people every day to fit in,” says Díaz Pimentel, a journalist and a co-founder of the Peruvian Neurodivergent Coalition (CNP), who is herself autistic and has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

Hence the coloured tapes. Each attendee will choose one to express their “social battery”. If they choose the green tape, it’s because they want to participate in the activities. Red signals they prefer not to be approached. Everyone wants company, that’s why they are here, but in different ways. And that’s OK. People start to arrive. Several choose red.

CNP is a social initiative that first kicked off in March 2023. It is the alliance of five neurodivergent women who were already making waves by posting openly about their conditions on social media, but who longed to make real-world change. “I used to see this kind of gathering in countries like Mexico and Argentina and was sad to be so far away, until I saw the announcement of a picnic in Peru. Before joining the coalition, I didn’t really relate to anyone. I had good friends, people that care about me, but I knew I wasn’t like them,” says Mayra Orellano, another of the directors, an interior designer with borderline personality disorder (BPD).

Today [in March 2024] is the coalition’s fifth gathering. A picnic may not sound like fertile ground for a burgeoning social movement, but behind the bags of cookies and crisps, that is what CNP is doing – campaigning for the rights of neurodivergent Peruvians to be understood and accepted, and to live free from stigma and abuse.

The birth of the neurodiversity movement

The concept of neurodiversity has been around for almost 30 years after first being coined in 1997 in an undergraduate thesis by Judy Singer. Singer, an Australian who is now an eminent sociologist, argued that conditions such as autism, dyslexia and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) are all simply part of the myriad ways in which human brains are wired. It proposed a new way to think about human difference and provided a name for a burgeoning movement. In Peru, however, it remains a concept that few have heard of.

“Neurodiversity is not a medical diagnosis, it’s a political movement that brings us together to defend our rights,” says Díaz Pimentel. When she first started posting about her bipolar disorder on social media in 2017, it was taboo: very few talked about their diagnosis in public. Bipolar disorder remains a stigmatised condition in Peru...

Diaz Pimentel’s commitment is stronger than prejudice, she says. Two years ago, when she received her autism diagnosis, she posted a photo of herself holding a rainbow cake with the words ‘Congrats on the autism’ spelled out in white icing. She wanted to celebrate with her community because she considered it a rebirth: at the age of 29, some of the puzzles of her childhood finally made sense...

From picnics to influencing policy

Neurodivergence is a huge umbrella that describes people with very different conditions. In Peru, this causes confusion and a lack of accurate data. Even in the case of autism, the best recognised of the neurodivergent conditions, the National Registry of Citizens with Disabilities lists some 15,000 people on the spectrum. But according to international statistics on the worldwide prevalence of autism, there are likely more than 200,000 people with the condition in the country. 

María Coronel, the psychologist in charge of the ministry of health’s child and adolescent mental health department, says that clarifying this data is one of the institution’s priorities. She acknowledges that initiatives such as CNP’s can help educate people: “These organisations add to our efforts to detect people on the autistic spectrum and give them the help they need. They have a great ability to reach others because they are telling their own experiences.”

Although CNP has only existed for a year, the group is already influencing government policy. Two congressmen have asked for members’ feedback on bills to protect the rights of autistic people. The state agency in charge of integrating people with disabilities into society consulted them on the appropriate terms with which to refer to neurodevelopmental conditions. And the ombudsman’s office made a video with them to warn about gender bias in autism early detection. (In Peru, 81% of people receiving treatment are male.) ...

Creating a more sensitive society

The CNP community says its work has changed their own lives, but Díaz Pimentel recognises that it isn’t enough. Some experts agree – that the problems are as much structural as they are societal. “In Peru we have a gap in specialised human resources. We need more psychiatrists and neuro-paediatricians. We need more young people to choose these careers,” says Coronel...

[Natalie] Espinoza is also a CNP founder and the only founder who is a mother. She has a five-year-old autistic daughter. Finding a pre-school that would accept her was very difficult. Espinoza is familiar with that kind of rejection. At a former job, she was fired when they found out she has bipolar. She had always performed well, she says, but she was told that a person “on that kind of medication” could not work with them.

“When I found out that my daughter was autistic, there was no mourning or denial, just a desire to hug her tightly because I felt very afraid of what society might do to her. I would like her to grow up in a more sensitive place,” says Espinoza. Dedicating time to the coalition’s work is her way of contributing to that change. Currently its communications reach more than 12,000 people and it has 15 WhatsApp groups. Messages whizzing back and forth help their community in everything from getting diagnoses to finding places to sleep in the event of being evicted from their homes.

So what does the coalition want next? “We want it all,” says Lú Herrera, a lawyer with BPD and the fifth co-founder. They would love to create, for example, a “neurodivergent house”, a place where they can offer shelter to victims of violence, run educational workshops, organise neurodiverse entrepreneurship fairs and provide legal advice on inclusion rights.  “Everything we already do but in a place of our own. 

“You know what else we want to do in that house?” asks Herrera as if reminding herself. “We want to have mindfulness sessions, dance lessons, pottery classes. Activities that will ground us. We neurodivergents struggle so much every day that it would be nice to have a place to rest.”

For now, the picnics are opportunities to recharge, ready for the next conversation-shifting step.

-via Positive.News, March 13, 2024

[forest-hashira]

First Impressions

finished this last night but am finally deciding to post it lol. pls be nice to me + my first fic of the year.

read on ao3 | wc: ~1.3k | cw: gn reader, established/implied stsg, reader is implied to have bipolar disorder & a cursed technique, reader almost gets wrecked, bilingual reader & stsg, gojo is oblivious/flippant & it pisses reader off, meet ugly, extremely selfship coded

“Oh, fuck!” 

You barely managed to jump out of the way before a piece of concrete the size of a car flew through the air, smashing into the wall behind where you’d been standing a moment before. You could feel your heartbeat everywhere – your ears, the tips of your fingers, even the soles of your feet – and you fought to get it under control.

This cursed spirit was more than you could handle on your own, and not by a small margin either; you couldn’t remember the last time you’d struggled so much to exorcise a curse on your own. You’d exorcised curses nearly this strong before, sure, but you’d been working with other sorcerers on those missions. 

Being sent on this mission alone felt like a jab from the higher ups: you’d demonstrated on a few occasions when you were manic that you were capable of huge surges of cursed energy output – almost on par with Special Grade sorcerers, or so you’d been told – and that you could take on curses above your official rank as a Grade Two sorcerer, but everyone knew you had no control of when that happened or how long it would last. With that in mind, you could only assume the higher ups were trying to trigger a surge of cursed energy from you, with apparently no concern about whether you died in the process.

You found that you were quite pissed off by that idea. Holding onto that anger quickly dropped down your list of priorities when more concrete started to fly through the air; it landed somewhere after survive, get the fuck out of there, and maybe exorcise the curse. 

No matter where you scrambled off to, no matter where you hid, the curse seemed to know exactly where you were, throwing huge chunks of debris in your direction and barely leaving you the time to draw a breath, let alone try to launch a counterattack. Eventually, there was a few moments of still silence. Whether the curse had run out of things to throw, had tired itself out, or something else entirely, you weren’t sure, but you knew it was your now or never moment.

Taking a steadying breath, you stood from your hiding spot, expecting to finally see the spirit again. Instead, you were met with the sight of a manhole cover flying straight at your head. 

Everything after that was a blur. Instead of your head being turned into strawberry jelly by a giant metal frisbee, something tackled you out of the way, and you watched someone step up to the curse. You fully expected the person to be instantly killed, but much to your shock, the curse seemed to collapse in on itself, crinkling and buckling and growing smaller and smaller until it burst into a cloud of ash.

“Are you okay?”

The voice was gentle and filled with concern, and when you tipped your head back to look at the speaker, you were a bit surprised by what you found.

Hovering over you was Geto Suguru, Special Grade Jujutsu Sorcerer, and all you could think was What is he doing in Kyoto?

When he didn’t get a response, Geto asked you again if you were okay, though this time he asked in English, rather than Japanese. Part of you found that sweet, while another, smaller part of you was annoyed, even if you knew it was fair for him to assume you may not speak Japanese.

“I’m fine,” you replied after a moment, making a point to answer in Japanese, even if it was a little harder with all the adrenaline flooding your system and scrambling your thoughts. “Thank you for saving me.”

“You’re welcome,” he said easily, offering you a small smile and helping you to your feet once again. “Can’t let a good sorcerer die if I can help it.”

“How do you know I’m a good sorcerer?” you asked, somewhat teasingly.

He smiled a bit wider at your words. “Because you didn’t run away, even though you were outmatched.”

“Does that make me good at my job, or just stupid?”

Before Geto could reply, Gojo appeared behind him, a huge grin on his lips. “Good thing we were here to step in,” he said, in English, which only served to irritate you all over again. “You would’ve been toast without us!”

Despite the fact that you had never met Gojo Satoru, Special Grade and Strongest Living Jujutsu Sorcerer, before this moment, his reputation preceded him, and so far, he was living up to the image of the smug, snarky, self-absorbed ass that existed in your head, thanks in no small part to everything you’d heard Iori-sensei say about him while you were under her tutelage.

“I would’ve figured it out,” you groused, pointedly not looking at him as you began to brush the dust off of yourself.

“With your brains splattered on the bricks of an abandoned building?” he laughed, “I highly doubt that.”

“Satoru,” Geto reprimanded, but the other just ignored him.

“Nothin’ wrong with needing help, y’know,” Gojo continued. “Everyone needs help sometimes. Not us, on missions anyways, but. Plenty of sorcerers need backup on almost all their missions! It’s nothing to be embarrassed about.”

That pissed you off, and you shot him the most venomous glare you could. “I’m not helpless, and despite how young I know I look, I’m not a child, and I don’t appreciate being spoken to like one. I am a capable Grade Two sorcerer, who the higher ups apparently decided to either test or kill, with no care about what the outcome was. I can take care of myself. I would have figured it out, thank you very much.”

He cocked his head as you spoke, and when you finished, he shrugged. “If you say so. Looked to me like you were about to become a stain on the ground.”

“Satoru!” Geto sounded properly scandalized then, and though he turned to you, presumably to apologize, you cut him off. Gojo’s words snapped something inside of you, and you let him have it.

“And what if I was? Sorcerers die every single day in our line of work! It’s great that you just get to see this as some sort of game and have fun with it, but the rest of us aren’t that lucky! The rest of us lowly, regular sorcerers have to be intensely aware of every second we’re on a mission, of every injury we sustain; we have to be aware that every time we’re sent on a mission, there’s a chance we’ll never make it home, that we’ll never get to say goodbye to the people we care about. So make all the jokes you want, asshole, and take credit for this mission, since you’re so eager to emphasize that you’re the reason I’m walking away from this. But you need to get a grip and realize that this isn’t a game for everyone else like it is for you. If we run into each other on a mission again in the future, don’t step in unless you’re asked. Nobody’s going to take me seriously if I can’t even complete my own missions.”

As soon as you finished speaking, you turned on your heel and stalked off. Your voice hurt from screaming at him the way you had, and you knew it wasn’t exactly the most mature thing to do, but you couldn’t take the words back. 

Whatever, you thought to yourself, pulling out your phone to call the supervisor to come and pick you up now that the curse had been exorcised. He’s Gojo Satoru. Why would he care whether I like him or not?

divider by cafekitsune

taglist: @mitsuristoleme @redlikerozez @oceaneyesinla @pixelcafe-network @peachsukii 

@lemonloaves @lu-dao-writes @roselleviennesstuff @alt--er--love @witchbybirth

@dr-runs-with-scissors @benkeibear @teddybeartoji @sugurei @sootspritestar 

join my taglist!

[acexsmhking]

𝑷𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒐𝒏𝒂𝒍 𝑻𝒐𝒃𝒊𝒂𝒔 𝑳𝒐𝒓𝒆/𝑭𝒂𝒄𝒕𝒔

: ̗̀➛ Toby lore/facts

Summary: I wrote a document of Toby that contains my personal lore/facts for him along side non-canonical and original content. Get to know my perspective of Toby better!

Warning(s): 18+ content, dark themes, child abuse, alcoholism, descriptions of gore, descriptions of child abuse, cannibalism, non-canonical mentions

Subject - SCP-524-S

Full name: Tobias Erin Rogers

Date of Birth: 4/28/1994

Place of Birth: Trier, Rhineland-Palatinate Germany

Height: 6ft, 0in

Weight: 165 lbs

Name Origins: Hebrew - Good of God

Zodiac: Taurus

Immigrated to Denver, CO. US at age 5 with parental family (Father, Mother, Aunt and Sister)

Multiple detected physical disorders: TS (Tourette Syndrome, class: both), CIPA (Congenital Insensitivity to Pain with Anhidrosis)

Multiple detected mental disorders: SAD (social anxiety disorder), Depression, Bipolar III (Cyclothymic Disorder), D-PTSD (Dissociative PTSD), Amnesia

SCP-524-S ranges from multiple Northwest states: Oregon, Washington, Alaska, Idaho, Wyoming and Montana

SCP-524-S rarely visits Middle/South states, typically more active during Spring, Fall and Winter. Moves to costal areas during Summer.

Subject experienced symptoms of interaction with the creature known as The Operator (SCP-582) through juvenile development. Faced interaction with the creature as 14yrs

Subject has a complicated case with D-PTSD (Dissociative PTSD), and Amnesia. Cause of D-PTSD being after death of family member: Lyra Rogers, Subjects age was 17yrs.

Shortly after tragic events SCP-524-S showed an increase in irrationality and hostility. SCP-524-S experienced increasing memory loss, waking up either dirty or with strange marks, bruises, and indents on body.

Subject is noted to have chewed through the flesh of his left cheek. Other notible scars being a long cut from Subject left eyebrow to eye cause after altercation with Father. SCP-524-S also chewed flesh on both hands, right being severely injured

Seven months after tragedy event Subject was forced to wear a metal wire muzzle fitted to face by pulling wires tighter. Two years later Subject went aggressively brutally killing Father, multiple citizens in a fire

Amnesia later induced on Subject after final contact with SCP-582

SCP-524-S kills in large numbers, typically aiming on office buildings and neighborhoods. SCP-524-S may kill a few victims before entrapping builds in large man-made fire

Singular kills are mainly done in forest areas. SCP-524-S will used leftover body parts from past victims to lure in new ones. Ambushing from trees and bushes

SCP-524-S has a talent of mimicking crying, whispers, and human sounds

Prior to capture, SCP-524-S was elusive. Scent trails and tracks always cut off mid-way and Subject would be lost. Subjects infected by The Operator possibly have chameleon like abilities, blending into their surroundings but not quite teleportation

SCP-524-S has yet to willingly show these abilities

Subject described waking up in the middle of woods with no prior memory after making contact with The Operator. There Subject was met with another proxy to The Operator, Kate the Chaser

Another Subject that has remained unseen by eye or photograph. Subject described learning, living and bonding with Kate which also resulted in his habits of consuming human flesh

“We had to find our own food, eat whatever we caught” — SCP-524-S

Subject stayed in territory of SCP-582 and Kate for six years before leaving, stating SCP-582’s behavior grew increasingly hostile and violent towards him. Kate guided him to the Northern states before leaving

Subject refuses to give location of Kate

While not certain and test remain negative SCP-524-S exhibits behavior of AIWS (Alice In Wonderland Syndrome), could be cause by stressful events and ill-maintained health

When captured, it became apparent that SCP-524-S grew a bond with SCP-225-S as creature could be spotted in distance watching. Subject also had a relationship with a murder of crows

The flock could be seen at sights where victims had been found in woods, and swarmed the capture-spot of SCP-524-S seeming irritated. A few members of the flock attacked personnel

More later….

♪¸¸.•*¨*•. ♪¸¸.•*¨*•. ♪¸¸.•*¨*•. ♪¸¸.•*¨*•. ♪¸¸.•*¨*•. ♪¸¸.•*¨*

: ̗̀➛ OMG WAS THIS STUPIDLY ANNOYING TO DO. I was switch between this and preparing Jack’s Masterlist and general head-canons ugh. Anyways eat this up my goofy goobers I’m gonna work on another Toby smut — Ace

-`♡´- tags list: @vanyatas @moriitis @theredservant

[manicpixieyandere]

The Genius Of Not Labeling Jinx

The Messiness Of Labels

Jinx from Arcane is known as the poster girl for borderline personality disorder, but today we wanted to talk about some of the other conditions she has symptoms of (but doesn't necessarily qualify for) and why it was smart to not label her.

Let's go over the different conditions Jinx could have:

Of course first we have BPD. Not gonna spend too much time on this one but she hits all nine of the diagnostic criteria!

Schizophrenia:

Jinx is seen to hallucinate many times in the show. She gets visual hallucinations of her family she has guilt over killing. She experiences overlays of child like drawings. She has auditory hallucinations and delusions as well.

BPD can come with hallucinations and delusions but it tends to more often be auditory hallucinations and delusions of grandeur than anything else. Schizophrenia and bipolar are the conditions more likely to cause the type of psychosis Jinx experiences.

DID/OSDD:

An argument could also be made for Jinx nearing a dissociative disorder. We haven't seen much of the show from the season two trailers, but they do seem to be hinting at Jinx embracing Powder a bit more.

It is common in BPD for the person to believe they are a completely different person than their past self. We think this is well represented in characters like Spinel from Steven Universe or Ashley Graves (Leyley) from The Coffin of Andy and Leyley. This is of course also shown in Jinx with Powder.

But Jinx and Powder's differences go a bit beyond the typical BPD self image issues. Their personalities while similar, are quite different. And instead of Powder staying purely in the past, Jinx switches between the two personalities. You can see her face change to be more soft like Powder in certain scenes. (They quite literally transform her face).

Some other differences are; Jinx is represented by pink, while Powder tends to be blue. Jinx is left handed while Powder is right handed (she uses her left to shoot, right for other stuff). Jinx is the daughter of Silco, Powder is the daughter of Vander. Both are the child of Zaun.

Jinx is of course also known to dissociate in many scenes. (As a side detail we just love how well animated the face acting is).

While Jinx fits BPD best it is also important to note that comorbidity is a real thing. While rare, all three of these conditions can be had at the same time. Personality disorders and dissociative disorders especially tend to be comorbid.

The most likely reason Jinx isn't diagnosed with anything is stigma. Giving a terrorist a mental illness may come off a demonizing. But Jinx is still loved by the neurodivergent community because her symptoms and trauma are treated with care. She's a fun relatable character. But we think another genius reason is because she's all encompassing. Saying she has BPD may make anyone who doesn't have BPD immediately think "oh, well then I won't find her relatable". But in an age where fandom likes relatability and kins the most, you cannot afford that. Instead really any neurodivergent can see themselves in her.

This is both a smart strategy but also just an accurate portrayal of how real life ends up looking. Medical conditions are technically social constructs. That's not to say they aren't real, but that they are labeled by humans. It's a list of behaviors the body or brain executes. But humans are messy! Who's to say one person is gonna nearly fit into that BPD box? Eventually you get to a point where you have someone diagnosed with 10 or so mental conditions! (Hi yes it's us, we have been diagnosed with 10). Humans were not made to fit into boxes. You see this pattern with queer identities all the time as well. The creation of microlabels has greatly helped people categorize and understand themselves, but at the end of the day the most accurate label is: you. You are you. Insert name here is Insert name here.

Thanks for listening to the ramblings of a mad Jinx kinnie. Here's to hoping season two is just as good as the first one! Still absolutely loving Jinx's new look!

[power-chords]

My folks and I have been reading some of the literature on COVID/Bipolar I and they seem to suspect — and I’m inclined to agree with them — that what I thought was “long COVID” after my second bout with the virus may have in fact been my first recognizable depressive episode. Most of my symptoms overlapped with the depressive phase of Bipolar I, so disentangling the two is probably impossible in retrospect, but for many many months I was behaving in ways that are completely uncharacteristic of my personality: I was exhausted, unmotivated, and even more inattentive than my ADHD makes me ordinarily; I was uninterested in things that give me great pleasure, like going to shows and creative writing; I had brain fog so bad it was an uphill battle doing things that otherwise come quite easily to me, like communicating verbally and expressing myself with clarity and precision. Gradually these symptoms subsided, and I became even more productive and social than usual, which may very well have been a protracted hypomanic phase. I caught COVID again earlier this year, and by the start of July I was spiraling into full blown mania, prone to intense emotional states like expansive rapturous joy and crying jags at the drop of a hat. Music, theater, and reading fiction felt almost unbearably moving and profound. I was writing like crazy, and pretty soon afterward I was acting crazy, too, with racing thoughts and speech, disturbed sleep, and thoughts/ideas that were growing progressively more disordered and paranoid.

I prefer the term “manic depression,” though some consider it antiquated/offensive, because to me it most accurately describes my experience. But by my 36th birthday my new shrink had diagnosed me with full blown Bipolar I. I’m much better now with several weeks of a mood stabilizer under my belt, and this past weekend we went with the “nuclear option,” I.E. a four-day course of high dose antipsychotics. I was miserable from the extrapyramidal side effects, and had to take Xanax throughout in order to tolerate the akathisia and restless leg syndrome. But thank god, it snapped me right out of it, and knock on wood I’m back to my old self — with a little luck, I’ll have another 15 years symptom-free, or with just low grade hypomanic/depressive states that are so mild as to feel like ordinary, subclinical mood swings.

What I’m struggling with is the feeling that I’ve been handed a label sticker that amounts to crippling disability at best, and an early death sentence at worst. I will probably always have to keep these incredibly powerful drugs with their rotten side effect profile on hand, and may one day need to take them consistently, if I wind up having future severe episodes. To have to choose between Shitty and Shittier over a dangerous brain disease feels like I’ve been dealt the world’s worst genetic hand, and that bums me out a lot. I know it’s not my fault, but seeing the agony I’ve put my parents through is the worst part. Figuring out how to manage this is going to be a lifelong struggle against my own lousy biology, and that sucks. I’m trying to stay optimistic. It’s been really, really hard.

[nonspeakers-r-us]

Nobody talks about episodes of uncontrollable emotion and dangerous behaviors in severe Autism.

I apologize for the long post. This is important to me. Heavy CW for mention of knives, self-injurious behaviors, description of intense emotions, brief descriptions of restraints and police. Yes, I used the word "severe" to describe my Autism. This is because I am Nonspeaking, very High Support Needs, visibly Autistic, and have a Borderline IDD. This is how I choose to describe my Autism. Please don't attack me for this, Tumblr. Anyways. Darting out into busy streets. Repeatedly banging your head against walls. Throwing objects, sometimes even very dangerous objects such as knives. Breaking things - anything - no matter the value or durability. Unplanned, sudden violence towards self and others. Lashing out, in pure emotion, just screaming into nothing at the top of your lungs, for no obvious reason other than pure, unadulterated, terrifying emotion. This may not seem like symptoms of Autism for anyone, and they may not be caused by Autism at all. But for many young people and adults with severe Autism, this is what our families deal with regularly. "Difficult behaviors", as I've often heard them described as by social workers. There's often no clear reason for then. They just. Happen. We are almost never diagnosed with secondary conditions. It is considered a symptom of our severe/profound Autism. While in many Speaking and Low Support Needs people with Autism, they would be diagnosed with various conditions. Conduct Disorder. Bipolar. Borderline Personality Disorder. Maybe even a severe case of Intermittent Explosive Disorder. But for those of us on the more visible part of the Spectrum, nobody knows how to deal with us. It's scary and heartbreaking for our families, and deeply traumatic for us. Many times, our families and caregivers will turn to emergency services such as police or EMTs when they have no where else to turn. I don't like this option, I hate it. But in moments of extreme panic and fear, I don't always blame families for this. Nobody talks about those of us who have been restrained by our arms and ankles to hospital beds for weeks at a time. Nobody talk about those of us who turn violent on the people we love most, when we just can't control ourselves. I wish I had good advice for those of us struggling with this. I wish I could comfort you. While mood stabilizers and antipsychotic medications have helped me, it doesn't help everyone. DBT for severely Autistic individuals is another thing that greatly helped me. This is a fact of life for many individuals with severe Autism and their families. It's terrifying. But please keep trying treatment, keep advocating for yourself as much as possible, and keep going. I'm sure you don't think this means anything, but you are strong. You are brave. I see you and I want you to keep going. Nobody talks about episodes of uncontrollable emotion and dangerous behaviors in severe Autism.

[kittysarchive]

Types of yandere, Txt

This is from my old account

Warnings - drabble like, yandere, mentions of kidnapping and punishments. The contents ahead are yandere so please let me know if I missed anything

Yeonjun

obsessive and possessive

To Yeonjun, you are his whole world. He will do everything and everything to keep you to himself.

The obsessive and possessive come into play when he first lays eyes on you, knowing you were the one for him, Yeonjun from that moment on tried everything to get into contact with you.

"Do you live around here?"

"Your necklace is pretty!"

"Good morning" Every small exchange you had was everything to Yeonjun. In fact it only took 4 weeks until Yeonjun saved you! Actually being with Yeonjun is very rocky. He expects you to love him, care for him and never think about anything else! He wants you all to himself and will punish you if you don't listen to him.

Soobin

Controlling and jealous

To Soobin, he owns you. You are his and always were!

Controlling was always there but jealous comes into play when he actually saves you. Seeing you glance at another male or even just nod your head politely will cause him to get all and jealous :(

"Why are you looking at him?"

"Can he fuck you this good?"

"What punishment do you want?" Being a Yandere, Soobin will control every part of your life, to managing your phone calls to when you can go outside, Soobin controls every aspect about you. Living with him isn't so bad as long as you are indoors. There he believes you are safe and won't try to escape but once you go outside, Soobin will tightly hold hands with you, making sure you don't try and run away :)

Beomgyu

Unhinged and Bipolar

You are Beomgyu whole world, why can't you see that?

Unhinged and bipolar merge into one as Beomgyu is both in love with you yet always trying to put you in your place.

"I love you so much!"

"kneel"

"Are you backchatting me?" Beomgyu shows his love...very differently. He will be cuddling you and kissing you then get all annoyed and punish you if you don't kiss him back.Dealing with Beomgyu means you have to be fast and responding and kisses him back as well as not taking his harsh words to heart :(

Taehyun

Delusional and obsessive

You and Taehyun are in a perfect relationship, right? Thats what he believes in his mind!

Taehyun believes you both love each other, sometimes he has to hurt you a bit, so you understand :)

"Smile for me!"

"Your shaking?"

"Why are you crying? It's only a small cut".

He not only believes everything is perfect, but he believes you are a little...dumb and he has to protect you! Living with Taehyun may be the most difficult because you are constantly being called a dumb little girl as well as Taehyun being easy going/ too relaxed when you try to fight back.

Huening Kai

Isolating and possessive

You belong to Kai and Kai only, so why are you struggling in his grasp?

Huening Kai will not only isolate you in his home, but he will control you from withing. Restricting your food intake, time outside and time out of the small bedroom you are kept inside of until you learn how to behave.

"Why are you fighting with me?"

"Go. Now"

"Do you want me to remind you?"

With him being all possessive and isolating, it is almost like you are his prisoner, which you are. Having to live life with him is painful. There is no freedom. You have to earn it. Your only way op survival is letting Stockholm Syndrome take over you.

[elsa-fogen]

I just got my butt on Tumblr for today and saw everyone talking about potential inside out AU. I'm jumping onto this train. (warning, I have not seen Inside Out 2 and its been years since I watched the first one. bare with me)

Ok, so his main ruling one is Joy ofc, but I think there isn't just one joy. The one that has control of panel most of the time is corrupt. Its not quite right anymore. (again haven't seen second movie, but I saw a clip where joy snaps and practically swears - at least for her standards. I kinda picture that. his current Joy is just frigging broken. It split. It like cut itself to bits to protect what was left of it that was good. So the good joy is hiding in memories of Alastor's precious Maman. Bad joy is what takes pleasure in the killer part of Alastor heh heh.

Fear surfaces EVERY time Alastor either sees Lilith or hears her name. For reasons.

Disgust is there whenever Susan comes along or if he sees Lucifer's decor choices. (Circus decor and rubber ducks) And maybe when Vox gets to obsessive.

Anger crops up whenever someone disrespects him or threatens/disrespects someone he cares about. (ROSIE!!!! But also Charlie and maybe others. Niffty?)

Sadness is just tired. They don't even WANT to touch the panel anymore. They've had to deal with to much stuff to care anymore. But I think sometimes they unintentionally creep through. And when that happens its NOT pretty. (possibly corrupt Joy attacks?)

ALSO YES PLEASE DRAW THIS!!!

ohhh i like the idea of joy being broken (+ biting joy from another ask lol, it kinda fits)

I really like this take!!! And another look at sadness, i think it may have something like bipolar disorder (CAN emotions have disorders?) (not trying to ACTUALLY make it a thing), at some times it's just tired and depressed and in others has something like a manic episodes when it wants to have controls just out of spite

if were taking idea of joy being split, sadness while having depressed state may chill with normal joy in the memory storage (as i said before other emotions sometimes throw sadness away from the main room lol)

and i haven't seen io2 too lol

and IDK MAYBE ONE DAY I'LL DRAW IT....................... OR MAYBE NOT......

[inktr0vert]

hi! i just saw your recent ask from Birdie about commissions. i wanted to 1) tell you how proud it made me feel to see you be so candid about your mental health & 2) echo her sentiment that i would love to commission a piece from you someday if you were ever in the headspace to do so. you are so incredibly talented.

in the same way that i’ve spent thousands of dollars on art in the form of tattoos, your art is beautiful and valuable enough to spend money on. i’m not saying this to try to, like, persuade you to ever take commissions. i just felt the need to verbally express how floored i am by your art. my tattoo artist occasionally needs to be shaken/reminded how incredible she is sometimes, and i feel like you can just never hear it enough, especially when you’re struggling.

i profoundly relate to your struggles with bipolar/simply just existing. i see you. & i just wanted to be another voice temporarily speaking over the deafening bad thoughts in your mind.

if you ever want to scream into the abyss at a bipolar stranger on the internet, my DMs are always open 🖤

i hope you’re having a good day

Hi there :)

1--I am tired of feeling ashamed for being me. Fuck shame. I think that's why I still act like I'm 13--that's the last time I felt unashamed of everything I am. So I'm done feeling bad for who I am. *I* think I'm pretty fucking cool. So does my husband and my beautiful kiddo. So yeah. Fuck shame <3

In regards towards my mental health vs shame, I had an epiphany:

There is nothing wrong with me.

And the world is wrong for telling me otherwise.

We are all different. And that's not always a bad thing.

2--With all of this self-discovery shit, I'm realizing that I am worthy of so much more than I let myself believe. That I have allowed others to convince me that I am a nuisance, that I am incompetent, that I do not deserve love, praise, or that I shouldn't even be allowed to exist. By the by, someone telling you that you aren't worthy of being alive feels pretty shitty. Don't let those people in your life. Run away. Run away and warn the others, jesus fucking christ.

ANWAYS. I think I may work towards commissions.

I always thought it sounded fun, tried it out, but I pressure myself too much--what if they don't like it? what if they don't want to pay that much? what if my art is trashfire kindling and everyone that's ever complimented my art is a dirty dirty liar that wants to see me fall flat on my face?

And most importantly: What if it's not perfect? What if the eyes are off, or the anatomy is 'wrong', or it's not the EXACT thing I pictured it to be in my mind?

Newer motto (still under construction): Fuck perfectionism. What a stupid cage to lock yourself into. Working on unshackling myself. Have been KINDLY (*this is important) reminding myself whenever my thoughts head down that path to redirect back towards the joyous parts of creativity. And it's been going pretty good. Slow, but making progress.

So yeah! Rambling coming to a close. Thank you for being another positive voice in my head to help fight away the void that other's have created. And for being that for a fellow tattoo artist as well <3

I think I should create a discord group called "screaming into the void" and invite all of you wonderful humans that have invited me for private sessions to join. We can all caterwaul into the abyss together XD

I hope you are having a good day as well. Be kind to yourself <3

[genderqueerdykes]

Hi, I'm sorry if this is a bad question but your blog is one of the few places I could think to ask and get a helpful response.

I've recently been hearing a voice, for the past maybe 2 months. I'll hear them for about 20 minutes at a time, before they go silent. They sound mad whenever they talk and they're scrutinizing everything I do. I've tried talking to them but they don't respond. I don't know what's happening but I'm a little scared because of how angry the voice is at me. Have you heard of anyone having a similar experience, or have you had a similar experience before? Do you have any advice?

that can be quite a few different things depending on how else it makes you feel. i'm sorry you're going through that, i have similar issues and it's very uncomfortable and exhausting

that can be due to OCD, a lot of people who have OCD have this experience and very similar ones. other kinds of neurodivergence may cause this, like ADHD or bipolar disorder

it can be a form of racing thoughts or a manifestation of pent up stress

this can be another headmate depending on how hard you dissociate or struggle to communicate with others, depending

this can also be intrusive/invasive thoughts, psychosis, anxiety, or a personality disorder. a lot of people with personality disorders experience similar experiences. trauma & PTSD can cause something like this as well

if anyone has any other feedback feel free to lend some advice! this is not uncommon. i get it periodically as well

[rorymissgilmore]

Okay, I may be a crazy neurodivergent person who seeks representation where there isn't any but Honestly I don't think Charlie is the only one in the Osemanverse who is neurodivergent. To me, Tori has depression, it becomes clear to me when there are days when she just isn't excited about anything and still can't get out of bed to do basic things. But I also believe that she has autism, since her social difficulties are very clear, and she thinks in a way that is extremely similar to mine, so for me she is definitely autistic, not to mention the clear hyperfocus she had on Solitaire. I also think Michael is authentic, with his appearance seen as "eccentric" and because he is always out of place in social settings I am also wary of saying he has ADHD because Frances describes him as hyperactive. Oliver has ADHD, with a clear hyperfocus on cars, but specifically tractors. Anyone reading I Was Born For This probably already knows that Jimmy has generalized anxiety disorder, but I believe he also has autism. Just like Angel. I remember that when I read the book I couldn't get out of my head that Angel was autistic. She was extremely nervous when she found out that she wouldn't be the only one in Juliet's house, this changed all her plans and clearly almost made her have a crisis. In addition to being extremely punctual. Aled is also autistic, and he has a stereotypical thing that he always does, which is pulling the sleeves of his coats. And he almost had a crisis just at the possibility of finding out that he was behind Universe City. I also think that Frances is very authentic, with a huge hyperfocus on the City of the Universe, on drawing and studying. Frances, like many autistic people, has difficulty thinking that someone is superior. How when the director confronts her, she feels like crying and says that "If there's one thing I really hate, it's when someone tries to be superior to me. And that's exactly how I am when dealing with people who are supposed to be superior to me." me". There's a scene where she's talking about her lunch at school with Raine and she says "I'm very uncreative, I don't like change". I can also tell Charlie has bipolar personality disorder because it's very clear that he has the mood of sudden swing that causes him to take insane actions that seem neurodivergent to me, I'll make another post.

[thewalrusespublicist]

do you think John had BPD?

Hi anon!

I wasn't sure about answering this one because of the ethical difficulties but I think it's okay if I make it extremely clear that I am not a professional, I do not have training in this area, I do not know the individual personally and anything I say after this point can only be taken as speculation and opinion, not as a certainty. A lot of conditions have significant overlap with each other (C-PTSD and NPD immediately come to mind in John's case) which is why John would have needed to be assessed in a clinical setting. We also don't have any way to see if he had any abnormalities in his brain structure, particularly in the the amygdala, the hippocampus and the orbitofrontal cortex that are associated with BPD.

All that out of the way, for long complicated reasons I am familiar with BPD and in my view, yes John Lennon had BPD; to the point I think of him as almost a poster child for the condition. The reasons I think this are exhaustive, but I will break them down using the symptom criteria for BPD as set out in the DSM-5 as well as looking at an overview for the risk factors involved in developing BPD.

Risk factors:

Risk factors for BPD are both environmental and genetic. For genetic it is hard to know as we don't have full details on John's parents but Julia's own instability suggests that there may have been some genetic factor at play.

Environmental - environmental risks factors for BPD include:

Being victim to emotional, sexual and verbal abuse - we know John suffered from at least one of these. On the emotional front you had his biological parents force him to choose between them, his aunt Mimi being incredibly controlling and giving him the silent treatment as a regular punishment as well as getting rid of his dog as a manipulation tactic. I have no doubt as well that Aunt Mimi could give him a verbal tongue lashing when the mood suited her.

In terms of sexual abuse, it's not something I've brought up before as it's too dark and I don't have enough to back it up but there's something very murky when it comes to John and sexual boundaries with relatives. The repeated allusion to abnormal sexual relationships between family members in Skywriting bothers me. It could be John just being a wind up but it's always lain at the back of my mind as something potentially not right there. His poor sexual boundaries with his mother as expressed in his audio diaries is a hard one as she didn't play a traditional role in his life and it's actually quite normal for developing boys to sometimes get those urges as their hormones are going nutso. The only reason I raise it here though is that John shared a bed with his mum and her boyfriend until the age of five. Considering Julia was not the most responsible, I wonder if John witnessed some things in that situation he shouldn't have. Its deeply speculative but it's just a point that my brain can't drop.

Being exposed to long-term fear or distress as a child - John was distressed and confused about his unusual living situation and apparent abandonment by his mother. The death of his uncle was also a massive strain.

Being neglected by 1 or both parents - whilst the situation was complicated, Julia did leave John alone for long stretches of time whilst she worked in a bar and Alf was mostly absent apart from the Blackpool incident where John was forced to choose between his mother and father. I know aunt Mimi stepped in and did not physically neglect him (emotionally...) but these formative years are crucial.

Growing up with another family member who had a serious mental health condition, such as bipolar disorder or a drink or drug misuse problem - John doesen't seem to have had this save potentially what was going on with Julia.

Again from my own complicated history with the disorder, I know one of the risk factors is the individual growing up in and environment where affection and attention is inconsistent and feelings are not recognised . To my mind John experienced the physical inconsistency of his mother and the emotional inconsistency of Mimi.

So going through the list, John had nearly all the environmental risk factors for BPD and potentially some genetic factors.

Now let's look at the symptom criteria.

DSM criteria:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment - reported repeatedly by classmates and friends. I can't find it right now but one school friend talked about John was extremely anxious about people leaving and would ask exactly when his friend would be back to spend time with him. If the account of the diaries are to be believed he was preoccupied that Sean and Yoko were going to leave him. One can see his entire break-up behaviour as one big desperate attempt to avoid being abandoned by his friends by leaving them first.

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation - treatment of Stu, Paul, Yoko and Sean is just textbook. His relationship with Paul is particularly illuminating: one minute he's god, the next a fallen idol. Elliot Mintz talks about John's view of Paul changing 'minute to minute'. Yoko too was his life, his world, the air he breathed but then he would scream at her and test her. He had no measured conceptualisation of close relationships, they had to be absolutely everything, otherwise they were fake/phony.

3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self - See dependence on others for identity, and continuously moving to new personas or fads as a source of stability. The Mirror, Mirror Dakota demo is essentially a song describing this sensation.

4. Impulsivity in at least two potentially self-damaging areas (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating) -all the ones listed John partook in.

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures or threats, or self-mutilating behavior- don't know about this one. Not reported but doesen't mean it didn't happen.

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and rarely more than a few days). - John's mood swings are infamous.

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness - doesen't speak to it overtly I believe (could be wrong) but his constant attempts to find a new thing to 'save' him as well as his chronic swings of depression I think suggest this may well have been true.

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights) - again, infamous for his wild temper.

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms - we joke about John's paranoia for a reason. For dissociation he potentially talks about it in Hunter Davies:

''If I am on my own for three days, doing nothing, I almost completely leave myself. I’m at the back of my head. I can see my hands and realize they’re moving, but it’s like a robot who’s doing it. I have to see the others to see myself. Then I realize there is someone like me so it’s reassuring.''

He also talks about seeing the world almost as if its a hallucination or a surreal fantasy which could be dissociation or the hallucinations that can happen with BPD.

You need five of these symptoms to meet the criteria for BPD. On my count John has at least seven and likely eight of the symptoms. BPD would explain his difficulties in his relationships, mood swings, constant seeking for the next big 'thing' and 'wild behaviour'. John also had narcissistic tendencies which would also make sense as Cluster-B personalities tend to have comorbidities or traits from other cluster B disorders.

I want to again stress that whilst there are clinicians that agree with me, I am not in any way qualified to make any diagnostic judgements, this is purely fan speculation. Nor does matching symptom criteria necessarily mean that John had the disorder or that his behaviour can't be explained by other mental illness'. For example, if you put John's behaviour up against a checklist for narcissistic personality disorder, he would match eight of the nine criteria. I personally believe that BPD fits John better than NPD as John was capable of (diminished) empathy and still capable of loving people past their use-by date, despite his desire to banish those feelings. But still the possibility of alternative explanations is there and I'm in no position to dismiss it.

That being said, I still believe the evidence is there and I wish it had been feasible for John to get a diagnosis to better understand himself and his responses. In that way he could have understood that he wasn't wrong or evil, he was just traumatised and his brain and behaviour had developed in a way to cope with the trauma. John was an immensely talented, funny, charming, generous, kind person who was adored by those close to him. At the same time due to what I believe to be his condition, he struggled to maintain these relationships and was liable to lash out despite his best efforts to improve. John didn't want to be angry, he tried to seek help, he just looked for it in the wrong places. Who knows, in another time and in another place with better access to care, life may have looked a lot different and a lot happier for John Lennon. And that to me, regardless of exact diagnosis, is one of the biggest tragedies in this whole situation.

[destinygoldenstar]

“Feeling like you’re nothing is… kinda normal. If people even feel like that in the world I came from.”

TW: DISCUSSIONS OF SUICIDE

So this line specifically has been on my mind.

Obviously Pomni does not outright say she’s depressed. But she doesn’t need to. The show trusts us to pick it up for ourselves.

At first I thought it was just trauma, because… DUH. WHAT HAPPENED.

She experiences nightmares, she has zone outs, she closes herself off from her peers, panic attacks, etc. All pretty real responses to a traumatic event.

BUT THEN WE HAVE THIS LINE.

Now, I wouldn’t think too much of it if she said “In the world I COME from.” Present tense. So that would indicate she’s talking about the circus.

But she uses PAST TENSE here.

“In the world I CAME from.”

So she’s not talking about the circus.

We know she’s not because we know she was once a human in the real world.

Gooseworx confirmed that the Digital Circus characters DO remember their past lives, just not the key identify-defining details like their names. Which makes sense cause, well, if they had full amnesia they wouldn’t know they came from anywhere else at all.

So this implies she’s talking about her life in the real world before this.

So this may indicate that in the real world, human Pomni had anxiety & depression.

A theory someone else said, but I liked and could see being possible, was that each Digital Circus character represents certain mental illnesses. (My idea: Pomni - Generalized Anxiety & Major Depression Disorder, Ragatha - Separation Anxiety Disorder, Jax - Sociopathy, Kinger - Schizophrenia, Gangle - Bipolar Disorder, Zooble - Dysphoria) While it is questionable for some characters whether they experienced these in the real world or they gained them in the circus (Kinger is probably one of the latter’s case), considering Pomni’s new to the circus, it’s easy to assume the former. You don’t develop these mental problems overnight.

So here’s my theory: Human Pomni was an accountant at C&A, and got her hands on the information of the Digital Circus. As in, she knew EXACTLY what it would do to her…

…but she put the headset on anyway as an act of suicide.

This could be proven wrong in a future episode, but that is my belief on what happened to her. Would also explain how she had a vague idea on how the video game’s outside maps worked.

BUT, you may be asking, “If Pomni knew and did it as sudoku, why would she want to leave immediately?”

Survival reflex. (And I’m partially thinking about that Bojack Horseman speech at the penultimate episode of that show. You know the one.) It IS a thing for someone to attempt suicide, and then change their mind on it pretty quickly, whether it be the pain that came with it, or the fear of death. And this is in both cases whether the attempted succeeds or fails at the deed.

So the beginning of the show could be Pomni’s brain, scattered as it is, experiencing just that.

“Wait a minute. I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to end it. I have to stop myself!”

But it’s too late.

She made her choice. She didn’t want to be ‘her’ anymore.

So she put the headset on.

She did the act.

There’s nothing she can do about it.

And since she TECHNICALLY isn’t dead, this is her processing her own existence, old and new, and what to do with it now.

THAT’s another reason why she has that nightmare about abstracting. Which could easily be seen as ‘mental suicide.’

A horrifying image on the outside. And on the inside, an image that’s far too real for her.

But she doesn’t have to have that be her fate.

There are people to help her and there are people that WOULD care if she dies.

Her story is about fighting the worst thoughts known to mankind and come out of that fight as a more emotionally realized person. As someone who wants to live. As someone who ISN’T nothing.

(This is a theory. Is open to be wrong.)

[godhandler]

choso x geto!kenjaku, cult leader and altar boy, dead dove do not eat, d/s relationship, smut, part 1, choso doesn't know that geto is actually his father kenjaku, prolly my best work yet ngl

Choso lay birthed. It was the second time he’d done so, and he wasn’t any happier this time around either. The foetid water of his mother’s womb dripped from his toes. 

He was pulled to his wobbly feet by Mahito, gentle palm on gentler palm, his toes wetly squishing against the floor with every baby step he took. Mahito taught him to walk, to speak, to eat. 

It was harder than Choso had ever assumed: each finger and each leg and each eye had to move in tandem all the time. Even harder was the next step of development, socialisation. Now that he could speak, he had to learn the correct things to speak: the correct expression that went along with the words. Happiness– mouth spread upwards into a smile, eyes crinkled, “Yay!”. Sorrow– mouth downwards, tears in eyes, shaking head. 

Sometimes Mahito joked that he was Choso’s father, but that didn’t go down very well, so he stopped saying that. Mahito was simply that, “Mahito”. A fellow curse, a really good one, looked out for him and helped as much as he could. Fun-loving. Selfless. Introduced him to other curses as well, the first friends he ever had. 

Hanami was delightful, Jogo gave him good advice, and Dagon was truly adorable. They found it very funny that Choso was technically the eldest of them all. They all used to play football together in the evenings. 

It was okay. Things were okay. His brothers were okay. 

Choso should’ve been happy with that. ‘Okay’ is a perfectly good thing to be. But Choso, created to surpass the human constraints, the best of his kind, Choso, my beloved, he could never have stayed away too long. Sooner or later he would have ended up here. Perhaps the tragedy was how soon it was. He could have had a few months more. 

My son. Geto-sama was always soft-voiced. Come to me.

—------------------

Choso could never tell when he was bad.

Even now, tears in his eyes and whip in hand, he could not understand why he was being punished. I’m sorry, his lips trembled, forgive me, my lord. 

Mercurial, almost bipolar–Geto-sama would never just ‘get angry’. No, he’d fly into a terrible rage, he’d kill and torture, he’d curse whole bloodlines. He was equally benevolent when the mood struck, but at the end of the day that was that– his emotions only manifested in the extremes. And oh how he despised the very sight of Choso right now. 

Scum of the earth! He called him, rotten waste of your mother’s womb! Even now, you insolent idiot, you talk back to me! 

I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Choso lifted his hand to strike Geto-sama, who knelt at the floor stripped naked but for the whip-cuts. Don’t make me hurt you again, please, my lord, I don’t want to. I’m sorry. 

You think you deserve forgiveness? Getting too big for your britches? Geto-sama, mid-moan as another lash fell on his thigh, inches away from grazing his rock-hard cock, managed to spit acid out in every syllable. You think you know better than me? 

Choso struck another blow on Geto-sama, watching him shiver in pleasure. He was a cruel master, Choso knew, but such was religion. A father knows the right way to discipline his son: Choso would happily take a thousand whippings if he believed he deserved it. But no way could ever rationalise away the pain of hurting his loved ones. 

Hence sat Geto-sama’s skin tearing under the lashes, but the only one clutching at his hair and crying was Choso. The holy man was having the time of his life.  

Harder, you fool. Useless creature.  

 I’m sorry, I’m sorry, Choso wept into his rope-burnt palm, Master, may I whip myself too? 

Geto-sama climaxed onto his thighs, shuddering and laughing, semen mixing with blood dripping into the tatami flooring. Brother-seed, he’d taught Choso it was called. Taught him to crawl like a dog and lap it off the floor, to say thank you and mean it.

There was something romantic about it all, as per Kenjaku. Oedipus and Antigone rolled into one. 

Damn shame none of the Death Paintings turned out female. He’d really wanted to fuck a baby into one, see if it took, see how many generations it took to flush the cursed spirit gene out with his own. Daughter, granddaughter, great-granddaughter– each with greater Kenjaku than the last. Scientific hobbies to pass his eternal life.  

Did I please you, Master? Choso, eyes still watery and tongue bitter with cum, poor baby. The appeased Geto-sama’s mood swung hard the other way. He lounged back, away from the sticky puddle that Choso licked clean, already healing himself up. 

Plenty, my son. My favourite. 

—-----------------

Geto-sama’s doctrine was of austerity. When he first came to the temple, Choso was granted a robe, a beggar’s bowl, two towels and a shower caddy (soap, shampoo, detergent, razorblade)– and that was all personal items he received. The rest consisted of texts: a set of general instructions that the people living in the temple followed, a copy of the Dhammapada explaining the Noble Eightfold Path, the Lotus Sutra, a children’ comic book of The Jataka Tales, a journal, and a list of banned items. 

Keep off unnecessary temptation and false ideals, Manami explained to Choso. No pornography, no English books (those are all American propaganda), no newspapers, no unapproved books on history, politics, economics, no heresy, no mobile phones or internet connection except on the temple-issued computers, no “unkind” words. 

Geto-sama would always maintain that it was the choice of his disciples to either accept all his rules, or to not be a disciple at all. He respected consent. Besides, true devotion only comes from willingness. 

But there was never a dip in followers’ enrollment, undeterred by the constricting rules, for his pulpit stood true. Of all men in Japan, only Geto-sama’s disciples (as long as they remained loyal) never suffered from curses. 

A divine stamp of my preaching, Geto-sama would proclaim. 

The divine being me, he left out. For now. 

Choso was given the task of washing Geto-sama’s feet 5 times a day. The monk was a stickler for cleanliness to the point of OCD; Choso had been yelled at many times when he missed a spot. Choso’s fingers rubbed tallow-fat soap between his holy toes, dried them with his own robes and massaged lavender oil. Whenever Choso caught a glimpse of Geto-sama’s soles, soft and pink as a deer calf’s tongue, he felt immensely proud of his achievements.

It felt good. It felt human. 

The water used to clean his feet was collected and offered to his disciples. Many believed drinking it would keep disease away. 

Sometimes Geto-sama’s feet came back caked in blood that steeped through his socks. Choso scrubbed extra hard on those days. 

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