#i may or may not have bipolar and may or may not have had another episode and i may or may not be out of it now

[esggs]

choso x geto!kenjaku, cult leader and altar boy, d/s relationship, smut, part 1, choso doesn't know that geto is actually his father kenjaku, prolly my best work yet ngl

Choso lay birthed. It was the second time he’d done so, and he wasn’t any happier this time around either. The foetid water of his mother’s womb dripped from his toes. 

He was pulled to his wobbly feet by Mahito, gentle palm on gentler palm, his toes wetly squishing against the floor with every baby step he took. Mahito taught him to walk, to speak, to eat. 

It was harder than Choso had ever assumed: each finger and each leg and each eye had to move in tandem all the time. Even harder was the next step of development, socialisation. Now that he could speak, he had to learn the correct things to speak: the correct expression that went along with the words. Happiness– mouth spread upwards into a smile, eyes crinkled, “Yay!”. Sorrow– mouth downwards, tears in eyes, shaking head. 

Sometimes Mahito joked that he was Choso’s father, but that didn’t go down very well, so he stopped saying that. Mahito was simply that, “Mahito”. A fellow curse, a really good one, looked out for him and helped as much as he could. Fun-loving. Selfless. Introduced him to other curses as well, the first friends he ever had. 

Hanami was delightful, Jogo gave him good advice, and Dagon was truly adorable. They found it very funny that Choso was technically the eldest of them all. They all used to play football together in the evenings. 

It was okay. Things were okay. His brothers were okay. 

Choso should’ve been happy with that. ‘Okay’ is a perfectly good thing to be. But Choso, created to surpass the human constraints, the best of his kind, Choso, my beloved, he could never have stayed away too long. Sooner or later he would have ended up here. Perhaps the tragedy was how soon it was. He could have had a few months more. 

My son. Geto-sama was always soft-voiced. Come to me.

—------------------

Choso could never tell when he was bad.

Even now, tears in his eyes and whip in hand, he could not understand why he was being punished. I’m sorry, his lips trembled, forgive me, my lord. 

Mercurial, almost bipolar–Geto-sama would never just ‘get angry’. No, he’d fly into a terrible rage, he’d kill and torture, he’d curse whole bloodlines. He was equally benevolent when the mood struck, but at the end of the day that was that– his emotions only manifested in the extremes. And oh how he despised the very sight of Choso right now. 

Scum of the earth! He called him, rotten waste of your mother’s womb! Even now, you insolent idiot, you talk back to me! 

I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Choso lifted his hand to strike Geto-sama, who knelt at the floor stripped naked but for the whip-cuts. Don’t make me hurt you again, please, my lord, I don’t want to. I’m sorry. 

You think you deserve forgiveness? Getting too big for your britches? Geto-sama, mid-moan as another lash fell on his thigh, inches away from grazing his rock-hard cock, managed to spit acid out in every syllable. You think you know better than me? 

Choso struck another blow on Geto-sama, watching him shiver in pleasure. He was a cruel master, Choso knew, but such was religion. A father knows the right way to discipline his son: Choso would happily take a thousand whippings if he believed he deserved it. But no way could ever rationalise away the pain of hurting his loved ones. 

Hence sat Geto-sama’s skin tearing under the lashes, but the only one clutching at his hair and crying was Choso. The holy man was having the time of his life.  

Harder, you fool. Useless creature.  

 I’m sorry, I’m sorry, Choso wept into his rope-burnt palm, Master, may I whip myself too? 

Geto-sama climaxed onto his thighs, shuddering and laughing, semen mixing with blood dripping into the tatami flooring. Brother-seed, he’d taught Choso it was called. Taught him to crawl like a dog and lap it off the floor, to say thank you and mean it.

There was something romantic about it all, as per Kenjaku. Oedipus and Antigone rolled into one. 

Damn shame none of the Death Paintings turned out female. He’d really wanted to fuck a baby into one, see if it took, see how many generations it took to flush the cursed spirit gene out with his own. Daughter, granddaughter, great-granddaughter– each with greater Kenjaku than the last. Scientific hobbies to pass his eternal life.  

Did I please you, Master? Choso, eyes still watery and tongue bitter with cum, poor baby. The appeased Geto-sama’s mood swung hard the other way. He lounged back, away from the sticky puddle that Choso licked clean, already healing himself up. 

Plenty, my son. My favourite. 

—-----------------

Geto-sama’s doctrine was of austerity. When he first came to the temple, Choso was granted a robe, a beggar’s bowl, two towels and a shower caddy (soap, shampoo, detergent, razorblade)– and that was all personal items he received. The rest consisted of texts: a set of general instructions that the people living in the temple followed, a copy of the Dhammapada explaining the Noble Eightfold Path, the Lotus Sutra, a children’ comic book of The Jataka Tales, a journal, and a list of banned items. 

Keep off unnecessary temptation and false ideals, Manami explained to Choso. No pornography, no English books (those are all American propaganda), no newspapers, no unapproved books on history, politics, economics, no heresy, no mobile phones or internet connection except on the temple-issued computers, no “unkind” words. 

Geto-sama would always maintain that it was the choice of his disciples to either accept all his rules, or to not be a disciple at all. He respected consent. Besides, true devotion only comes from willingness. 

But there was never a dip in followers’ enrollment, undeterred by the constricting rules, for his pulpit stood true. Of all men in Japan, only Geto-sama’s disciples (as long as they remained loyal) never suffered from curses. 

A divine stamp of my preaching, Geto-sama would proclaim. 

I am the divine, he left out. For now. 

Choso was given the task of washing Geto-sama’s feet 5 times a day. The monk was a stickler for cleanliness to the point of OCD; Choso had been yelled at many times when he missed a spot. Choso’s fingers rubbed tallow-fat soap between his holy toes, dried them with his own robes and massaged lavender oil. Whenever Choso caught a glimpse of Geto-sama’s soles, soft and pink as a deer calf’s tongue, he felt immensely proud of his achievements.

It felt good. It felt human. 

The water used to clean his feet was collected and offered to his disciples. Many believed drinking it would keep disease away. 

Sometimes Geto-sama’s feet came back caked in blood that steeped through his socks. Choso scrubbed extra hard on those days. 

—----------------------------

[shalom-iamcominghome]

I was dreading Yom Kippur for a while, but honestly, it has been so healing and I didn't think that was what I'd be feeling.

In the time between my fears about Yom Kippur and today, I've (maybe) had an intense mixed episode for the past few weeks and today is the first day I feel... somewhat normal. And spending this time with everyone, admitting to each other and to g-d that we missed the mark last year, that we are human has been really intense.

I'm emotionally exhausted, but when my fist is against my chest, when we're singing about our faults... It doesn't hurt as badly. It's this idea that, no, I'm not some demon because we all have done these sins and we're all pleading to g-d for atonement as equals is just... It's something I never really consider to be true.

[reasonsforhope]

Life is hard for neurodivergent people in Peru. Now a grassroots uprising of people with bipolar disorder, ADHD and autism – organised through picnics in the park – is pushing for change at the heart of government.

On a bright summer afternoon in Lima, the capital of Peru, Carolina Díaz Pimentel takes some red and green tape out of her backpack. She’s in a park waiting for people to arrive at a picnic she and her friends are hosting. Guests know that they don’t have to be on time, don’t have to make eye contact, and can leave at any time if they feel overwhelmed. No one will question them.

“We want everyone to feel comfortable. At least this afternoon we want to take a break from the rules that are imposed on neurodivergent people every day to fit in,” says Díaz Pimentel, a journalist and a co-founder of the Peruvian Neurodivergent Coalition (CNP), who is herself autistic and has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

Hence the coloured tapes. Each attendee will choose one to express their “social battery”. If they choose the green tape, it’s because they want to participate in the activities. Red signals they prefer not to be approached. Everyone wants company, that’s why they are here, but in different ways. And that’s OK. People start to arrive. Several choose red.

CNP is a social initiative that first kicked off in March 2023. It is the alliance of five neurodivergent women who were already making waves by posting openly about their conditions on social media, but who longed to make real-world change. “I used to see this kind of gathering in countries like Mexico and Argentina and was sad to be so far away, until I saw the announcement of a picnic in Peru. Before joining the coalition, I didn’t really relate to anyone. I had good friends, people that care about me, but I knew I wasn’t like them,” says Mayra Orellano, another of the directors, an interior designer with borderline personality disorder (BPD).

Today [in March 2024] is the coalition’s fifth gathering. A picnic may not sound like fertile ground for a burgeoning social movement, but behind the bags of cookies and crisps, that is what CNP is doing – campaigning for the rights of neurodivergent Peruvians to be understood and accepted, and to live free from stigma and abuse.

The birth of the neurodiversity movement

The concept of neurodiversity has been around for almost 30 years after first being coined in 1997 in an undergraduate thesis by Judy Singer. Singer, an Australian who is now an eminent sociologist, argued that conditions such as autism, dyslexia and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) are all simply part of the myriad ways in which human brains are wired. It proposed a new way to think about human difference and provided a name for a burgeoning movement. In Peru, however, it remains a concept that few have heard of.

“Neurodiversity is not a medical diagnosis, it’s a political movement that brings us together to defend our rights,” says Díaz Pimentel. When she first started posting about her bipolar disorder on social media in 2017, it was taboo: very few talked about their diagnosis in public. Bipolar disorder remains a stigmatised condition in Peru...

Diaz Pimentel’s commitment is stronger than prejudice, she says. Two years ago, when she received her autism diagnosis, she posted a photo of herself holding a rainbow cake with the words ‘Congrats on the autism’ spelled out in white icing. She wanted to celebrate with her community because she considered it a rebirth: at the age of 29, some of the puzzles of her childhood finally made sense...

From picnics to influencing policy

Neurodivergence is a huge umbrella that describes people with very different conditions. In Peru, this causes confusion and a lack of accurate data. Even in the case of autism, the best recognised of the neurodivergent conditions, the National Registry of Citizens with Disabilities lists some 15,000 people on the spectrum. But according to international statistics on the worldwide prevalence of autism, there are likely more than 200,000 people with the condition in the country. 

María Coronel, the psychologist in charge of the ministry of health’s child and adolescent mental health department, says that clarifying this data is one of the institution’s priorities. She acknowledges that initiatives such as CNP’s can help educate people: “These organisations add to our efforts to detect people on the autistic spectrum and give them the help they need. They have a great ability to reach others because they are telling their own experiences.”

Although CNP has only existed for a year, the group is already influencing government policy. Two congressmen have asked for members’ feedback on bills to protect the rights of autistic people. The state agency in charge of integrating people with disabilities into society consulted them on the appropriate terms with which to refer to neurodevelopmental conditions. And the ombudsman’s office made a video with them to warn about gender bias in autism early detection. (In Peru, 81% of people receiving treatment are male.) ...

Creating a more sensitive society

The CNP community says its work has changed their own lives, but Díaz Pimentel recognises that it isn’t enough. Some experts agree – that the problems are as much structural as they are societal. “In Peru we have a gap in specialised human resources. We need more psychiatrists and neuro-paediatricians. We need more young people to choose these careers,” says Coronel...

[Natalie] Espinoza is also a CNP founder and the only founder who is a mother. She has a five-year-old autistic daughter. Finding a pre-school that would accept her was very difficult. Espinoza is familiar with that kind of rejection. At a former job, she was fired when they found out she has bipolar. She had always performed well, she says, but she was told that a person “on that kind of medication” could not work with them.

“When I found out that my daughter was autistic, there was no mourning or denial, just a desire to hug her tightly because I felt very afraid of what society might do to her. I would like her to grow up in a more sensitive place,” says Espinoza. Dedicating time to the coalition’s work is her way of contributing to that change. Currently its communications reach more than 12,000 people and it has 15 WhatsApp groups. Messages whizzing back and forth help their community in everything from getting diagnoses to finding places to sleep in the event of being evicted from their homes.

So what does the coalition want next? “We want it all,” says Lú Herrera, a lawyer with BPD and the fifth co-founder. They would love to create, for example, a “neurodivergent house”, a place where they can offer shelter to victims of violence, run educational workshops, organise neurodiverse entrepreneurship fairs and provide legal advice on inclusion rights.  “Everything we already do but in a place of our own. 

“You know what else we want to do in that house?” asks Herrera as if reminding herself. “We want to have mindfulness sessions, dance lessons, pottery classes. Activities that will ground us. We neurodivergents struggle so much every day that it would be nice to have a place to rest.”

For now, the picnics are opportunities to recharge, ready for the next conversation-shifting step.

-via Positive.News, March 13, 2024

[manicpixieyandere]

The Genius Of Not Labeling Jinx

The Messiness Of Labels

Jinx from Arcane is known as the poster girl for borderline personality disorder, but today we wanted to talk about some of the other conditions she has symptoms of (but doesn't necessarily qualify for) and why it was smart to not label her.

Let's go over the different conditions Jinx could have:

Of course first we have BPD. Not gonna spend too much time on this one but she hits all nine of the diagnostic criteria!

Schizophrenia:

Jinx is seen to hallucinate many times in the show. She gets visual hallucinations of her family she has guilt over killing. She experiences overlays of child like drawings. She has auditory hallucinations and delusions as well.

BPD can come with hallucinations and delusions but it tends to more often be auditory hallucinations and delusions of grandeur than anything else. Schizophrenia and bipolar are the conditions more likely to cause the type of psychosis Jinx experiences.

DID/OSDD:

An argument could also be made for Jinx nearing a dissociative disorder. We haven't seen much of the show from the season two trailers, but they do seem to be hinting at Jinx embracing Powder a bit more.

It is common in BPD for the person to believe they are a completely different person than their past self. We think this is well represented in characters like Spinel from Steven Universe or Ashley Graves (Leyley) from The Coffin of Andy and Leyley. This is of course also shown in Jinx with Powder.

But Jinx and Powder's differences go a bit beyond the typical BPD self image issues. Their personalities while similar, are quite different. And instead of Powder staying purely in the past, Jinx switches between the two personalities. You can see her face change to be more soft like Powder in certain scenes. (They quite literally transform her face).

Some other differences are; Jinx is represented by pink, while Powder tends to be blue. Jinx is left handed while Powder is right handed (she uses her left to shoot, right for other stuff). Jinx is the daughter of Silco, Powder is the daughter of Vander. Both are the child of Zaun.

Jinx is of course also known to dissociate in many scenes. (As a side detail we just love how well animated the face acting is).

While Jinx fits BPD best it is also important to note that comorbidity is a real thing. While rare, all three of these conditions can be had at the same time. Personality disorders and dissociative disorders especially tend to be comorbid.

The most likely reason Jinx isn't diagnosed with anything is stigma. Giving a terrorist a mental illness may come off a demonizing. But Jinx is still loved by the neurodivergent community because her symptoms and trauma are treated with care. She's a fun relatable character. But we think another genius reason is because she's all encompassing. Saying she has BPD may make anyone who doesn't have BPD immediately think "oh, well then I won't find her relatable". But in an age where fandom likes relatability and kins the most, you cannot afford that. Instead really any neurodivergent can see themselves in her.

This is both a smart strategy but also just an accurate portrayal of how real life ends up looking. Medical conditions are technically social constructs. That's not to say they aren't real, but that they are labeled by humans. It's a list of behaviors the body or brain executes. But humans are messy! Who's to say one person is gonna nearly fit into that BPD box? Eventually you get to a point where you have someone diagnosed with 10 or so mental conditions! (Hi yes it's us, we have been diagnosed with 10). Humans were not made to fit into boxes. You see this pattern with queer identities all the time as well. The creation of microlabels has greatly helped people categorize and understand themselves, but at the end of the day the most accurate label is: you. You are you. Insert name here is Insert name here.

Thanks for listening to the ramblings of a mad Jinx kinnie. Here's to hoping season two is just as good as the first one! Still absolutely loving Jinx's new look!

[power-chords]

My folks and I have been reading some of the literature on COVID/Bipolar I and they seem to suspect — and I’m inclined to agree with them — that what I thought was “long COVID” after my second bout with the virus may have in fact been my first recognizable depressive episode. Most of my symptoms overlapped with the depressive phase of Bipolar I, so disentangling the two is probably impossible in retrospect, but for many many months I was behaving in ways that are completely uncharacteristic of my personality: I was exhausted, unmotivated, and even more inattentive than my ADHD makes me ordinarily; I was uninterested in things that give me great pleasure, like going to shows and creative writing; I had brain fog so bad it was an uphill battle doing things that otherwise come quite easily to me, like communicating verbally and expressing myself with clarity and precision. Gradually these symptoms subsided, and I became even more productive and social than usual, which may very well have been a protracted hypomanic phase. I caught COVID again earlier this year, and by the start of July I was spiraling into full blown mania, prone to intense emotional states like expansive rapturous joy and crying jags at the drop of a hat. Music, theater, and reading fiction felt almost unbearably moving and profound. I was writing like crazy, and pretty soon afterward I was acting crazy, too, with racing thoughts and speech, disturbed sleep, and thoughts/ideas that were growing progressively more disordered and paranoid.

I prefer the term “manic depression,” though some consider it antiquated/offensive, because to me it most accurately describes my experience. But by my 36th birthday my new shrink had diagnosed me with full blown Bipolar I. I’m much better now with several weeks of a mood stabilizer under my belt, and this past weekend we went with the “nuclear option,” I.E. a four-day course of high dose antipsychotics. I was miserable from the extrapyramidal side effects, and had to take Xanax throughout in order to tolerate the akathisia and restless leg syndrome. But thank god, it snapped me right out of it, and knock on wood I’m back to my old self — with a little luck, I’ll have another 15 years symptom-free, or with just low grade hypomanic/depressive states that are so mild as to feel like ordinary, subclinical mood swings.

What I’m struggling with is the feeling that I’ve been handed a label sticker that amounts to crippling disability at best, and an early death sentence at worst. I will probably always have to keep these incredibly powerful drugs with their rotten side effect profile on hand, and may one day need to take them consistently, if I wind up having future severe episodes. To have to choose between Shitty and Shittier over a dangerous brain disease feels like I’ve been dealt the world’s worst genetic hand, and that bums me out a lot. I know it’s not my fault, but seeing the agony I’ve put my parents through is the worst part. Figuring out how to manage this is going to be a lifelong struggle against my own lousy biology, and that sucks. I’m trying to stay optimistic. It’s been really, really hard.

[nonspeakers-r-us]

Nobody talks about episodes of uncontrollable emotion and dangerous behaviors in severe Autism.

I apologize for the long post. This is important to me. Heavy CW for mention of knives, self-injurious behaviors, description of intense emotions, brief descriptions of restraints and police. Yes, I used the word "severe" to describe my Autism. This is because I am Nonspeaking, very High Support Needs, visibly Autistic, and have a Borderline IDD. This is how I choose to describe my Autism. Please don't attack me for this, Tumblr. Anyways. Darting out into busy streets. Repeatedly banging your head against walls. Throwing objects, sometimes even very dangerous objects such as knives. Breaking things - anything - no matter the value or durability. Unplanned, sudden violence towards self and others. Lashing out, in pure emotion, just screaming into nothing at the top of your lungs, for no obvious reason other than pure, unadulterated, terrifying emotion. This may not seem like symptoms of Autism for anyone, and they may not be caused by Autism at all. But for many young people and adults with severe Autism, this is what our families deal with regularly. "Difficult behaviors", as I've often heard them described as by social workers. There's often no clear reason for then. They just. Happen. We are almost never diagnosed with secondary conditions. It is considered a symptom of our severe/profound Autism. While in many Speaking and Low Support Needs people with Autism, they would be diagnosed with various conditions. Conduct Disorder. Bipolar. Borderline Personality Disorder. Maybe even a severe case of Intermittent Explosive Disorder. But for those of us on the more visible part of the Spectrum, nobody knows how to deal with us. It's scary and heartbreaking for our families, and deeply traumatic for us. Many times, our families and caregivers will turn to emergency services such as police or EMTs when they have no where else to turn. I don't like this option, I hate it. But in moments of extreme panic and fear, I don't always blame families for this. Nobody talks about those of us who have been restrained by our arms and ankles to hospital beds for weeks at a time. Nobody talk about those of us who turn violent on the people we love most, when we just can't control ourselves. I wish I had good advice for those of us struggling with this. I wish I could comfort you. While mood stabilizers and antipsychotic medications have helped me, it doesn't help everyone. DBT for severely Autistic individuals is another thing that greatly helped me. This is a fact of life for many individuals with severe Autism and their families. It's terrifying. But please keep trying treatment, keep advocating for yourself as much as possible, and keep going. I'm sure you don't think this means anything, but you are strong. You are brave. I see you and I want you to keep going. Nobody talks about episodes of uncontrollable emotion and dangerous behaviors in severe Autism.

[kittysarchive]

Types of yandere, Txt

This is from my old account

Warnings - drabble like, yandere, mentions of kidnapping and punishments. The contents ahead are yandere so please let me know if I missed anything

Yeonjun

obsessive and possessive

To Yeonjun, you are his whole world. He will do everything and everything to keep you to himself.

The obsessive and possessive come into play when he first lays eyes on you, knowing you were the one for him, Yeonjun from that moment on tried everything to get into contact with you.

"Do you live around here?"

"Your necklace is pretty!"

"Good morning" Every small exchange you had was everything to Yeonjun. In fact it only took 4 weeks until Yeonjun saved you! Actually being with Yeonjun is very rocky. He expects you to love him, care for him and never think about anything else! He wants you all to himself and will punish you if you don't listen to him.

Soobin

Controlling and jealous

To Soobin, he owns you. You are his and always were!

Controlling was always there but jealous comes into play when he actually saves you. Seeing you glance at another male or even just nod your head politely will cause him to get all and jealous :(

"Why are you looking at him?"

"Can he fuck you this good?"

"What punishment do you want?" Being a Yandere, Soobin will control every part of your life, to managing your phone calls to when you can go outside, Soobin controls every aspect about you. Living with him isn't so bad as long as you are indoors. There he believes you are safe and won't try to escape but once you go outside, Soobin will tightly hold hands with you, making sure you don't try and run away :)

Beomgyu

Unhinged and Bipolar

You are Beomgyu whole world, why can't you see that?

Unhinged and bipolar merge into one as Beomgyu is both in love with you yet always trying to put you in your place.

"I love you so much!"

"kneel"

"Are you backchatting me?" Beomgyu shows his love...very differently. He will be cuddling you and kissing you then get all annoyed and punish you if you don't kiss him back.Dealing with Beomgyu means you have to be fast and responding and kisses him back as well as not taking his harsh words to heart :(

Taehyun

Delusional and obsessive

You and Taehyun are in a perfect relationship, right? Thats what he believes in his mind!

Taehyun believes you both love each other, sometimes he has to hurt you a bit, so you understand :)

"Smile for me!"

"Your shaking?"

"Why are you crying? It's only a small cut".

He not only believes everything is perfect, but he believes you are a little...dumb and he has to protect you! Living with Taehyun may be the most difficult because you are constantly being called a dumb little girl as well as Taehyun being easy going/ too relaxed when you try to fight back.

Huening Kai

Isolating and possessive

You belong to Kai and Kai only, so why are you struggling in his grasp?

Huening Kai will not only isolate you in his home, but he will control you from withing. Restricting your food intake, time outside and time out of the small bedroom you are kept inside of until you learn how to behave.

"Why are you fighting with me?"

"Go. Now"

"Do you want me to remind you?"

With him being all possessive and isolating, it is almost like you are his prisoner, which you are. Having to live life with him is painful. There is no freedom. You have to earn it. Your only way op survival is letting Stockholm Syndrome take over you.

[elsa-fogen]

I just got my butt on Tumblr for today and saw everyone talking about potential inside out AU. I'm jumping onto this train. (warning, I have not seen Inside Out 2 and its been years since I watched the first one. bare with me)

Ok, so his main ruling one is Joy ofc, but I think there isn't just one joy. The one that has control of panel most of the time is corrupt. Its not quite right anymore. (again haven't seen second movie, but I saw a clip where joy snaps and practically swears - at least for her standards. I kinda picture that. his current Joy is just frigging broken. It split. It like cut itself to bits to protect what was left of it that was good. So the good joy is hiding in memories of Alastor's precious Maman. Bad joy is what takes pleasure in the killer part of Alastor heh heh.

Fear surfaces EVERY time Alastor either sees Lilith or hears her name. For reasons.

Disgust is there whenever Susan comes along or if he sees Lucifer's decor choices. (Circus decor and rubber ducks) And maybe when Vox gets to obsessive.

Anger crops up whenever someone disrespects him or threatens/disrespects someone he cares about. (ROSIE!!!! But also Charlie and maybe others. Niffty?)

Sadness is just tired. They don't even WANT to touch the panel anymore. They've had to deal with to much stuff to care anymore. But I think sometimes they unintentionally creep through. And when that happens its NOT pretty. (possibly corrupt Joy attacks?)

ALSO YES PLEASE DRAW THIS!!!

ohhh i like the idea of joy being broken (+ biting joy from another ask lol, it kinda fits)

I really like this take!!! And another look at sadness, i think it may have something like bipolar disorder (CAN emotions have disorders?) (not trying to ACTUALLY make it a thing), at some times it's just tired and depressed and in others has something like a manic episodes when it wants to have controls just out of spite

if were taking idea of joy being split, sadness while having depressed state may chill with normal joy in the memory storage (as i said before other emotions sometimes throw sadness away from the main room lol)

and i haven't seen io2 too lol

and IDK MAYBE ONE DAY I'LL DRAW IT....................... OR MAYBE NOT......

[worldreaderperson]

Okay, I may be a crazy neurodivergent person who seeks representation where there isn't any but Honestly I don't think Charlie is the only one in the Osemanverse who is neurodivergent. To me, Tori has depression, it becomes clear to me when there are days when she just isn't excited about anything and still can't get out of bed to do basic things. But I also believe that she has autism, since her social difficulties are very clear, and she thinks in a way that is extremely similar to mine, so for me she is definitely autistic, not to mention the clear hyperfocus she had on Solitaire. I also think Michael is authentic, with his appearance seen as "eccentric" and because he is always out of place in social settings I am also wary of saying he has ADHD because Frances describes him as hyperactive. Oliver has ADHD, with a clear hyperfocus on cars, but specifically tractors. Anyone reading I Was Born For This probably already knows that Jimmy has generalized anxiety disorder, but I believe he also has autism. Just like Angel. I remember that when I read the book I couldn't get out of my head that Angel was autistic. She was extremely nervous when she found out that she wouldn't be the only one in Juliet's house, this changed all her plans and clearly almost made her have a crisis. In addition to being extremely punctual. Aled is also autistic, and he has a stereotypical thing that he always does, which is pulling the sleeves of his coats. And he almost had a crisis just at the possibility of finding out that he was behind Universe City. I also think that Frances is very authentic, with a huge hyperfocus on the City of the Universe, on drawing and studying. Frances, like many autistic people, has difficulty thinking that someone is superior. How when the director confronts her, she feels like crying and says that "If there's one thing I really hate, it's when someone tries to be superior to me. And that's exactly how I am when dealing with people who are supposed to be superior to me." me". There's a scene where she's talking about her lunch at school with Raine and she says "I'm very uncreative, I don't like change". I can also tell Charlie has bipolar personality disorder because it's very clear that he has the mood of sudden swing that causes him to take insane actions that seem neurodivergent to me, I'll make another post.

[destinygoldenstar]

“Feeling like you’re nothing is… kinda normal. If people even feel like that in the world I came from.”

TW: DISCUSSIONS OF SUICIDE

So this line specifically has been on my mind.

Obviously Pomni does not outright say she’s depressed. But she doesn’t need to. The show trusts us to pick it up for ourselves.

At first I thought it was just trauma, because… DUH. WHAT HAPPENED.

She experiences nightmares, she has zone outs, she closes herself off from her peers, panic attacks, etc. All pretty real responses to a traumatic event.

BUT THEN WE HAVE THIS LINE.

Now, I wouldn’t think too much of it if she said “In the world I COME from.” Present tense. So that would indicate she’s talking about the circus.

But she uses PAST TENSE here.

“In the world I CAME from.”

So she’s not talking about the circus.

We know she’s not because we know she was once a human in the real world.

Gooseworx confirmed that the Digital Circus characters DO remember their past lives, just not the key identify-defining details like their names. Which makes sense cause, well, if they had full amnesia they wouldn’t know they came from anywhere else at all.

So this implies she’s talking about her life in the real world before this.

So this may indicate that in the real world, human Pomni had anxiety & depression.

A theory someone else said, but I liked and could see being possible, was that each Digital Circus character represents certain mental illnesses. (My idea: Pomni - Generalized Anxiety & Major Depression Disorder, Ragatha - Separation Anxiety Disorder, Jax - Sociopathy, Kinger - Schizophrenia, Gangle - Bipolar Disorder, Zooble - Dysphoria) While it is questionable for some characters whether they experienced these in the real world or they gained them in the circus (Kinger is probably one of the latter’s case), considering Pomni’s new to the circus, it’s easy to assume the former. You don’t develop these mental problems overnight.

So here’s my theory: Human Pomni was an accountant at C&A, and got her hands on the information of the Digital Circus. As in, she knew EXACTLY what it would do to her…

…but she put the headset on anyway as an act of suicide.

This could be proven wrong in a future episode, but that is my belief on what happened to her. Would also explain how she had a vague idea on how the video game’s outside maps worked.

BUT, you may be asking, “If Pomni knew and did it as sudoku, why would she want to leave immediately?”

Survival reflex. (And I’m partially thinking about that Bojack Horseman speech at the penultimate episode of that show. You know the one.) It IS a thing for someone to attempt suicide, and then change their mind on it pretty quickly, whether it be the pain that came with it, or the fear of death. And this is in both cases whether the attempted succeeds or fails at the deed.

So the beginning of the show could be Pomni’s brain, scattered as it is, experiencing just that.

“Wait a minute. I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to end it. I have to stop myself!”

But it’s too late.

She made her choice. She didn’t want to be ‘her’ anymore.

So she put the headset on.

She did the act.

There’s nothing she can do about it.

And since she TECHNICALLY isn’t dead, this is her processing her own existence, old and new, and what to do with it now.

THAT’s another reason why she has that nightmare about abstracting. Which could easily be seen as ‘mental suicide.’

A horrifying image on the outside. And on the inside, an image that’s far too real for her.

But she doesn’t have to have that be her fate.

There are people to help her and there are people that WOULD care if she dies.

Her story is about fighting the worst thoughts known to mankind and come out of that fight as a more emotionally realized person. As someone who wants to live. As someone who ISN’T nothing.

(This is a theory. Is open to be wrong.)

[poetrythathurtsmysoul]

Mickey Milkovich might be a damn good cop. He might be thorough, determined, and ruthless. But he was also the most annoying, rude, and cocky bastard that Jim had ever met. On the Milkovich's first day, he'd snapped at Jim (shouting "shut it or I'll stuff your own dick down your throat" when Jim had only been trying to be nice), and been cautioned by the captain for his lazy attitude towards the paperwork.

The point, Jim muses while watching Milkovich aggressively slam a door, was that he had managed to gain a reputation. Jim was also partial to a bit of gossip by the water cooler, so he knew that wasn't the reason Milkovich had become the talk of the station recently. According to Paula, Mickey Milkovich had mentioned a 'partner' casually in conversation with one of the mentally ill prisoners. Probably bipolar. Another strange habit of Milkovich's that they had picked up on was his gravitation to the bipolar cases if they ever brought them in.

Anyway, no one had ever before dreamt of uttering the words 'Mickey Milkovich' and 'girlfriend' in the same sentence before. The idea of him loving someone – him being gentle or dropping the hard act to (god-forbid) be vulnerable – well, it's laughable. Besides, in the four years the gruff guy had worked here, he had never mentioned this elusive 'partner'. In fact, he had never said anything about his homelife if he could help it.

Paula had stopped by his desk to further discuss the matter.

"D'you reckon he met her recently? Or have they been together this whole time, and he's only just mentioning her now? I thought it must be long-term cause he said 'partner' and not just girlfriend but—" she paused to shrug, "who knows?"

Jim only raised his eyebrows.

"Oh! And we've got a couple of EMTs on the way with some psycho that stabbed a guy. Apparently, she did it cause there were demons or something... but I don't know. The cap wants you and Milkovich to handle it."

Jim rolled his eyes. "Great. Just what I always wanted. To be all buddy-buddy with Milkovich while a couple of failed doctors hang around."

"Whose a failed doctor?" A dangerous voice growled.

Jim was saved from answering by the loud arrival of the aforementioned psycho and EMTs. He was not so secretly thankful as their arrival may have just saved his life.

There were two EMTs holding the arms of a lady who was screaming and crying. Seemingly, the only reason she was thrashing about also, was the guy on her right side. The soothing words emanating from the man would be enough to make any loon swoon. He was tall and calm, and even though he was ginger, if Jim had to pick a guy, it would be this guy. Zero hesitation.

As he got closer, leading the woman to the chair Jim had only just vacated, Jim noticed his eyes. A vibrant green that seemed to sparkle. Milkovich laid a hand on the gingers back – Ian, his name tag read – as if guiding him to the seat. For some reason, Jim's eyes tracked the movement.

It wasn't particularly out of the ordinary for Milkovich. He knew how to turn on the charm when he had to. But perhaps the tension in his shoulders had eased. Perhaps Milkovich's scowl wasn't so permanently etched.

Or perhaps Jim was reading too much into it. They had a job to do.

But Milkovich and Ian seemed to make a rather good team. With a united front presented, they had a confession and a much calmer assailant within ten minutes. And all Jim and the other EMT had really done was sit there.

Still, nothing unusual occurred. And yet, floating around persistently in Jim's mind, the image of Milkovich's hand on Ian's back. Perhaps lower than it would be if the men were strangers... but no, Jim was not going to follow that train of thought.

When the EMTs had left, Milkovich supposedly yet to return from walking them out, the chatter broke out.

"Did you see the ass on the ginger guy!" Paula giggled excitedly, another woman nodding along.

A rather unpleasant, stout man snorted. "Please. Twink's totally gay."

"Some twink, huh? That all you think he is?"

Ah. Milkovich hath returned. And so, it seems, has his wrath.

The stout man looked uneasy now, and he wasn't the only one. The captain came out of his office, eyeing Milkovich warily.

"Well?" Prompted Milkovich.

"Hey, er... I forgot my... bag." Ian's voice trailed off as he rushed back in, green eyes taking in the scene before him.

Paula let out a sound as if she'd uncovered the world's worst kept secret. Milkovich did not move.

"Call him a twink again." Milkovich's voice was low now. Quiet. Demanding. Jim preferred the threats.

"What's—" began Ian but cut himself off as the stout man began to rise. He walked right up to the ginger so that his eyes were only inches away from the others nose, and he looked up at him to spit:

"Twink!"

For a split second, there was no movement aside from a look of annoyed realisation crossing Ian's face. Then Milkovich was flying.

He punched the stout guy, yelling as he did so. Jim, Paula, the Captain, everyone just stood by and watched while Milkovich began to pummel the shit out of him.

Except Ian.

"Mick! Mickey. Mickey, stop, please!" He cried as he tugged on Milkovich's arms – desperately trying to pull him back enough to be able to restrain him.

"Leave it, gallagher!" Milkovich growled, eyes trained on the other man's slumping form.

"No! No. Look at me. Look at me, Mickey! You've made your point, okay? Okay? It's not that big of a deal."

"It is that big of a deal, Firecrotch." But he relaxed in Ian's grip nonetheless.

With Ian successfully deescalating the situation, the Captain quickly made everyone give them space. In their own world, they didn't seem to notice. Ian was still muttering things to Mickey (green eyes boring into blue) when Paula sauntered up, looking smug.

"So," she started, looking back and forth between them both. Milkovich still looked ready to snap at any moment.

"When did you two start dating?"

Many heads swivelled in their direction. Milkovich, of course, glared at them all.

Ian rolled his eyes good-naturedly, "A little over four years. We were teenagers when we... met."

Jim and Paula shared a glance before he dared to ask, "Why the hesitation?"

'Firecrotch' smiled uneasily.

"We'd sorta been aware of each other before that. We grew up near each other."

He looked at his boyfriend for help.

He just shrugged. "Couple weeks before that, I wanted to kill him cause my baby sister lied about summat he did after he rejected her."

And then, as if this whole situation hadn't brought about more questions than it had answered, he called out "aight boss, I'm leaving early."

Then he slung Ian's EMT bag over his shoulder and walked out.

Jim's dull eyes caught sight of vibrant green before the ginger shrugged and trailed after his boyfriend like the puppy he probably was in some other universe. No guesses what the gossip at the water cooler would all be about the next day. Damn.

[halieghhh]

I know I’ve made a post about this topic before but recently life has been tough and the only thing that has been getting me through it is Elvis; when I say my life has been very very rough, I mean it’s been absolute shit. I recently had to have my dog put to rest for behavioral issues, my mama is sick with lupus and is going on chemo soon ontop of having auto immune disease and kidney issues, my personal issues have also gotten a lot worse. I was diagnosed with severe depression when I was 10 and I’ve felt the same way for the past 4 years, it’s like a never ending cycle. I have thoughts of taking my own life everyday and I distract myself by listening to Elvis, talking about Elvis, watching Elvis movies or concerts, reading my books about Elvis. Elvis has been the only thing keeping me here and no matter how much I say it, I will never properly know how to put how much he’s helped me into words. The people apart of this fandom are always so sweet aswell and make me laugh and smile all the time. But, I’ve recently been reading and looking into bipolar disorder and it’s been something I think I may have. I’ve spoke to a doctor about it but they aren’t sure because it’s rare for a person my age to be diagnosed with bipolar disorder but it can still happen so that’s just another mental issue that I’m having to somewhat work through if that is the case but Elvis has been the BEST distraction through everything. I’m still grieving losses and I just recently lost my dog so it’s all a lot but Elvis is basically keeping me sane at this point. When I say I love Elvis, I mean it. I truly do love Elvis because he’s brought happiness to me and so many other people including my great grandmama. That’s where I got my love for Elvis from, from her. I always joke about it with my mom when it comes to her obsession with Elvis saying things like; ‘She better be saying hi to Elvis for me’ or something like that. But, that’s just how I cope with her death and I don’t want any judgement for it. But, I just wanna thank everyone in this community for being such sweethearts and honestly understanding me on levels nobody else could! :-)

[c-ptsdrecovery]

I've been meaning to make this post for months, but I'm lazy :P

This year, I got diagnosed with bipolar 2, and going on mood stabilizers has been LIFE-CHANGING. (In the way they always told me going on antidepressants would be, only it wasn't.) I have discovered that I had a lot of (common) misconceptions about what bipolar disorder was like, which was why I struggled for at least 15 years with it and didn't get diagnosed until now. So I wanted to share a little bit about what I've learned about what bipolar disorder is REALLY like, in the hopes that other people in the same boat as me might recognize their own symptoms.

Disclaimers: I am not a mental health professional or an expert in bipolar disorder, and this is drawn from my personal experiences, which may be different from what another person with bipolar experiences.

--There are different levels of depression and of mania. Low mania, for instance, is called hypomania. While people with Bipolar 1 experience a range of emotions from mania to depression, people with Bipolar 2 experience mostly depression with occasional hypomania.

--People have a very extreme and stereotyped idea of what mania looks like, so it can be harder to recognize hypomania in particular. Things that mania/hypomania can look like:

anxiety

restlessness

insomnia

constant fidgeting

huge excitement or joy

intense creativity

intense sensory experience (colors are brighter, handsoap smells AMAZING, etc)

rage

less inhibited behavior

more spending

more risky behavior

feeling like you're finally yourself for the first time in years

--You will notice in that list that manic doesn't just mean happy. Mania is a high-energy state. That can mean high-energy happiness, high-energy anger, high-energy anxiety, etc. Depression is the low-energy side of the equation.

--You don't have to be JUST manic or JUST depressed. It's very common to have "mixed episodes" where you are both at one time. I was diagnosed years ago with "anxiety and depression"--and it turns out that that was probably actually a bipolar mixed state. A lot of people with classic depression talk about having no energy, having trouble getting out of bed, etc, but I always had the kind of depression where I felt despairing but also high-energy. I was restless and anxious--and sometimes had bursts of happiness and enjoyment in the middle and then went back to being depressed again.

--Bipolar can feel like mood swings. Your moods are intense and they can change quickly. I have had a psychiatrist tell me that you know it's bipolar when your mood changes for no reason. This may be true for some people, but for me, I could almost always attribute my mood change to SOMETHING. "I feel bad because of that thing somebody said to me" or "I feel bad because I'm lonely" or "I feel anxious because my stomach is upset". So that wasn't a helpful indicator for me, but the presence of the mood swings was. Some people also try to say that you have to be in a manic or depressive state for a certain number of days in order to qualify as bipolar--but if you're having mixed episodes like I was, all bets are off as to how long a mood is going to last.

--It's very common for people with bipolar disorder to have sleep problems: sleeping too much, sleeping too little, or both. I go right to sleep at bedtime, but then I wake up in the middle of the night, lie awake for an hour, and then go back to sleep. I have done this regularly for literally 15 years.

--A really good sign of having bipolar disorder is if trying a new antidepressant makes you manic/hypomanic. This doesn't always happen to people with bipolar disorder trying an antidepressant, but it certainly can.

My experience with antidepressants is that sometimes they seemed to work a bit for awhile, but in the long run, they really didn't work. One antidepressant that I tried made me FURIOUSLY ANGRY, so much so that it scared me and I had to get off the med after a week (the rage was a hypomanic state). One antidepressant that I tried made me so unbearably anxious that I took it ONCE and never again (that anxiety was also a hypomanic state). I took an antidepressant once that worked PERFECTLY for two months, and then suddenly stopped, and never worked again (happy hypomania, mood-swinging back to depressed again). What finally tipped us off that my problem was bipolar disorder was when I tried a new antidepressant and it made me feel AMAZING and then it wore off and I got super-depressed again... and then we raised the dose and I felt AMAZING and then it wore off, and... Meanwhile, I was happier than I had ever been before, I started a new hobby of collecting bonkers earrings, I started dressing in eye-burning rainbow colors, I was far more confident than I had ever been, I spent more (not way too much, but more) than usual... That is the kind of hypomanic/manic state that most people recognize as such, which is how I finally got diagnosed.

I will add on tomorrow or so with some stories about episodes that I recognize in retrospect were from my bipolar disorder, but I don't want to make this post longer than it already is! I will just add: If any of this sounds like you, I strongly encourage you to talk to a doctor about trying mood stabilizers. Maybe they won't do anything for you--but then at least you'll KNOW. I have a sneaking suspicion that just like C-PTSD is wildly underdiagnosed, bipolar disorder probably is, too.

[audreyscribes]

PJO ROMAN DEMIGOD HEADCANONS: 🚪 JANUS: GOD OF ALL BEGINNINGS, GATES, TRANSITIONS, TIME, CHOICES, DUALITY, DOORWAYS, PASSAGES, AND ENDINGS ⌛

Author’s Note: Another pure Roman god, let's gooo. Janus is actually rather interesting and I'm shocked we actually didn't see more Janus demigods being shown in the work. Other than the one character in the SON OF NEPTUNE, though. Then again, from my research, Janus demigods are pretty scarce given their power. ROMAN DEMIGODS H/CS MASTERLIST LINKS: [TUMBLR] // [AO3]

So being a child of Janus is going to be a wild ride. Being the god of duality, you’ll feel like you’re being pulled to two different sides while also balancing the two. The Greek equivalent of the feeling is like being a child of Nemesis, where they are about balance, but being a child of Janus feels more either or then fairness.

You share more similarities to a child of Apollo with your attributes where you both share the power of precognition and the possibility of detecting lies. Just as Apollo is the god of prophecies and truth, Janus is the god of beginnings & endings and Time, Janus can see the past and future, and Janus being the god of two-faces, are able to detect lies as a consequence. In other words, you have the ability to tell lies and see the past or future. I’d imagine not all children of Janus have all these abilities, with some more stronger. If your ability leans closer to the ability to detect lies, you may be able to tell what is the truth and compel such honesty. If your ability lies closer to either precognition (future) and retrocognition (past), you may be able to do see both. However, this may have its own consequence as you may not be able to stay present and start dissociating in the past and future, but not today. Otherwise, on a general note, children of Janus are able to detect a fib, with minor abilities in seeing either the past OR future, but rarely both.

Speaking of Time, Janus being gifted with the power of Time from his service to Saturn (Greek: Kronos), it is possible to have this power as well; but to have this power, usually means for those who have the ability to see the past and future only. However, this power is very rare and very dangerous, as you can imagine. You can’t completely control time or do anything time-travel like, nor can you truly stop time. You can affect time but it requires a lot of control, power, and who knows what else? This power truly comes into effect at times of choice. You know when you were in school and had those multiple choice exams, and when you tried to decide over the answers, it felt like time was stretching on very slowly yet was over so quick? Yeah it’s like that. This particular power comes forward especially when you’re at a crossroad of choices, allowing you to deliberate what choice you should make and the fate it will lead. You can stay there as long as you want, but there’s an inevitability that you will have to choose because it will happen one way or another; because the threat of the choice will always loom over you. If you have played any multiple choice games or particularly “Life is Strange”, it’s kind of like that.

Just like Janus with his two faces, you have something similar to that. I wouldn’t say it’s Bipolar or multiple personalities, but instead it's more akin to having different personas or masks that you portray forward in front of others. Unlike your godly parent whose both faces are true to him, you have multiple personas that have their own attribute, while your true self within you that you only reveal to close people, is the most vulnerable yet most powerful.  

[aliceinborderlandsquidgame]

YanDoctorChishiya x Reader - Best Medicine

Notes: Yandere Chishiya - Suicide mention - Mental health and Illness mention - Delusional Reader - DARK CHISHIYA - Manipulation -

Notes 2: im not by any means an expert in mentall illness so this may have some mistakes in that part.

When you started to date Chishiya things seemed extremely fine. He was kind, smart, a bit rash and sarcastic. But you two found a balance in your relationship.

He knew almost (if not all) of you. Your likes, dislikes, your favorites places. He noticed and kept track on things you hated or loved.

He kept track on your relationships, your cowerkers, friends, family....

When he got into your family you were scared. Your family got a long list of mentall illness in them. Depression, bipolar disorder...to name a few. But Chishiya was a doctor, he told you he undertood both the fear of not being accepted and the illnes themself.

So you dont know when or who you srated to feel paranoic around....everyone.

First episode was on yours Sister Birthday, you were doing fine, dancing and drinking a bit. Chishiya was there having a talk with yours Sisters Husband. When suddendly you started to hear voices...but not the voices from your family or friends. Strange ones, what they said you could not describe but it became too much, the voices, the music, you passed out right there.

The second episode was at your work. You were doing just fine, tiping your reports and filling up some late work when an email appear

I see you :)

You brushed it off as one of your coworkers making a joke to you (you would bet it was Kai doing it).

Stop Kai :P

You sent that reply and continued to work when another email came.

Who is Kai ?

Alright now that was....off. You turned to Kai's desk and got a chill down your spine. Kai's desk was marked as "absent".

You decided to blocke the email and continue but as the day went by more emails came.

Why did you block me ?

We want to see you

Please reply we are lonely

Do you want to see mom ?

The last message got your nerves. Your mom had passed away comitting suicide thanks to her delusional mind. Your biggest fear was ending like her.

Days passed and it just got worse.

You would be walking and see random figures that were not there when you took a second look. The emails kept coming and getting worse.

You started to have nightmares almost everynight and since Chishiya had took night shifts he could not help you during these times.

You did not want to tell someone about it. Not when you started to hear your friends saying things in distorsed voices when you were with them at your home.

You went to emergency care when you felt like you could not take it anymore. The Doctor who attended you listened and wrote down everything.

"I know most crazy people says this...but im sane, i swear"

The Doctor told you to wait for him in the room. When he left you tried to remember when things started.

Your first episode was in your sisters party, but what was befote that ? Why was everything so blurry ?

You could see one figure screaming at you, moving their hands, they took your neck and told you something but you could just not remember what they did.

"Here she is" The Doctors voice said.

With Horror you saw Chishiya standing there, a small smirk on his face.

Chishiya and you were the happier couple ever, all of the stalking months had gave their fruits. Chishiya knew about your fear of being left because of your family with their mental health problems, but he never had a problem with it. He knew about these illness, how terrible they were and how society was not understanding about them.

He never tought he would have to use them against you...

It was just one morning, one bad morning. He was not sure how, but you had discovered he had been stalking you and were angry, well more than angry at him. Screams started to go from you, not getting him a reaction till you say the words that made him do it

"Im leaving you, i dont want nothing to do with you"

Chishiya lost it. He took you by the neck, pressing it and whispering to you

"I wont let you, I will be the only one you will be able to count on"

And just like that he chocked you, letting you fall. When you fell your head it the floor a bit too strong. Chishiya took you to his friend clinic who did not question about the marks on your neck.

"Possible memorie lose" where the words that stood with Chishiya.

And that was the start of his plan and downfall. As a Doctor getting different types of medications was not a problem, even easier if you knew how to move around the underground world.

Chishiya got the typical medications for a standar dementian patient. The next weeks he added them in whatever you were having. Food, drinks...it was just about some time they made their effects or side effects.

When you passed out in your Sisters Birthday Chishiya played the worried boyfriend card perfectly, and while you were at the hospital he made a small comment about you being paranoic the last few days. He saw how your sister went silence, fearing the worse.

Harassing you by email was in his opinion a low move but necesary. He remember when you called him crying, rambling about emails and how they kept mentioning your mother but when you showed them the emails were not there.

You had tried to take a photo of them but that one did dissapear too.

Chishiya had to contract a hacker for it, he gave him the specific words he wanted you to read, and made it clear to remove all the evidence once it was done.

You then started to see figures around, another side effect from the medication and to think your friends were not your friends or how them were trash talking you.

And while all of this happened Chishiya talked with your family. Your Sister insisted that you were fine, but when Chishiya made her listen to your call from work she stopped talking.

Your father, the old man who had lost his dear wife was worried. He did believe you had started to fall into madness like your mother and listened to Chishiya as he was god.

"I believe the best would be to get her a treatment....and to let her live with me" Chishiya had soflty said.

"I know this type of illness well, i can take care of her in my house, and it will be better than have her in a mental hospital".

Your Sister was against it but your father accepted, under one condition that for Chishiya was like hitting the jack box.

"We will do that. But you will marry her, i want you to take care of her for the rest of your life"

Your looked confused at Chishiya who took the seat besides you. Without noticing he put a silver ring on yout finger and kissed your hand.

"Chishiya what-"

"Im here love" love, a word he never uses. "I will take care of you from now. You seem to have what you mother had, but dont worry. You will stay at my house, i promise you, i will be the best husband and doctor for you".

"Wait...what do you mean husband, and doctor?" You asked with horror. "And what is that i have the same as my mother the other doctor-"

"He went to ask for a second opinion and that was mine. You have been dealing with such a harsh time now, and i havent been there. But now i will, i will be with you forever now. No matter how much you want to be away, or how sane you think you are, i will make you insane so i can have you all for myself".

[parrythisucasual]

Heyaa! How your doing? Can I request how Jax would react to his s/o being just like ENA? When she always swapping personality for being too overwhelmed whit all and then vomiting (just like that scene whit her and Moony, and if you can may add Moony being...Moony? Being mean to her)

I DID MY BEST SORRY SORRY I REALLY AM GETTING TO ALL ASKS I PROMISE!!!!!!

Jax  ENA! Reader

“Wh-where am I? What is this place?” you cry out, grabbing either side of your head in a panic. You grip your oddly-cut hair, clenching it in yur fists and tugging, “Who are you people?! I hate people! I’m allergic!!” you suddenly feel rather calm, that little outburst nothing more than an embarrassing slip of the mind, “So very sorry about that!” You smoot your hair into its original, calm state.

“Uh… wow, what an entrance,” a strange, mix-and-match creature speaks first, “that’s even weirder than half the (DINK!!) that comes out of Kinger’s mouth.” The doll steps closer to you, reaching forward to get your attention, “She’s rather divided anyways, look at her,” she hums, “two entirely different halves, down to the color and texture.”

You glance down at your hands, confused, “I am not two dif-” you stop. You were. You were two separate colors, two opposing textures. It was dizzyingly terrifying.You scream, the sorrow and fear rushing over you once more.

,”No, no! I don’t wanna be like this!” you wail, waving your hands, “I’m so hideous I could-” you retch, liquified censoring spewing from your lips. You hurl your guts at the group’s feet. “Is this a bad time?” A new voice questioned. The doll glanced up, “Oh, Caine, good! Can you do your whole… you know, introduction? It might help?”

“Or it’ll make her have even more of a crisis,” The rabbit pointed out, “I don’t know about you all, but I don’t exactly want to deal with her puking again. “HEY! You leave her alone, only I’M allowed to bully her, you wad!” A floating sphere appeared behind you. 

“Moony!” Thank goodness, I was worried about you!” You chirp, somehow knowing she is your friend. The calmness washed over you once more as you hopped up, smiling at her. You glance at the others once more, “Apologies again, dearest chums! I entirely forgot to introduce myself! I’m (Y/N)!”

~~~~~~~~~~TIMESKIP~~~~~~~~~~~

You’ve been stuck in the circus for a few weeks now. Part of you was used to it now, you resigned yourself to the fact this is how things were now. The other side, however, was the part that kept you thinking you’d wake up, or that you could find an exit soon. It was hard, being so bipolar, but you had gotten used to it.

Recently, you’d noticed Jax had been following you around. Well, more than he used to. He used to follow you occasionally, mostly to make snide comments. That was a pastime of his. But in these recent encounters, some of them you’d never directly interacted with him. You’d just see him at a distance, and he’d look away or leave. 

“Ugh! (Y/N), get your weird, gross boyfriend!” Moony complained loudly, making an exaggerated sick face. She floated around you, now in front of you. You glance up at her, “I don’t have a boyfriend, friend Moony!” you chirp, smiling. She nods her head behind you, “Then what do you call HIM?”

You turn, noticing the lavender rabbit quite a distance behind you. You blink in confusion, squinting at him. Why was he following you? You wave at him, arm making large swipes above your head, “JAX!” -you call- “Over here!”

He makes a face at you, although he quickens his pace. He’s now awkwardly jogging, trying to catch up to you. “EW! (Y/N), no! Don’t call him over! Ugh! It was supposed to be besties night!” Your shoulders droop, suddenly awash in despair, “You’re RIGHT! I’m sorry Moony! I’m such a horrible friend! I ruined everythiiiiiiing!” She rolls her eyes, then unexpectedly perked up.

“Wait, maybe we can hang out with him! He’s a guy, but having another person would make truth or dare funner!” She grinned, looking at you mischievously. You sniffle as Jax finally catches up with the two of you. 

“Half and half, nice to see ya,” his smile was wide, but his voice suggested a casual tone. You rub at your eyes, “It can’t be! I’m no-good! I’ll make you upset!” Your shoulders roll forward suddenly as you stand upright, at a slightly inclined angle.

Jax was unfazed by the sudden change, not sparing more than a bored stare. You smile at him regardless, “Ah! Yes! Come with us! Moony’s room ahead!” He followed behind, groaning, “A weird nonbinary and girl sleepover? No thanks! But fine.” 

The group of you entered Moony’s room. She’d already gotten everything ready. Snacks piled in one corner and a pile of pillows and blankets all over the floor. You clap your hands together happily, “Oh! All set up! How lonely! Deepest gratitude!” You settle yourself on the cat pillow and relax. Moony lays herself in the beanbag chair beside you, and Jax on your other side.

Moony sighed dramatically, “In proper besties night tradition, I will now spill all the latest drama I’ve come across,” she cleared her throat, and delved into a long-winded speech. You glance at Jax midway through her dialog drop. “So! Why were you truly following us?” you question him, “I’m well aware you do it a lot. I didn’t realize others knew as well, or I’d have asked sooner.” 

His cheeks flushed very slightly, barely noticeable, “What are you talking about?” Oh, so thats the direction- playing dumb. You get a wild urge and decide to play with this a bit.

Yeah, I could have sworn I've been seeing you everywhere I go,” you raise a brow playfully, letting him know how long you’ve been aware of it. He scoffs, waving you off, “Why would I do that? You sure you’re not going crazy?”

“Yeah, maybe… why? Why would you?” You turned his denial into a genuine question. Moony’s rambling filled the air between you two for far too long, his deciding on which answer to give taking much longer than it should. He is teetering on the verge of his response, and you sigh and shake your head.

“Its not honest if it's been this long, I don’t wanna hear it. If it’s something dumb like you like me just say it!” He stopped dead, then his face became one of a man about to get his revenge. “Akright,” he agreed, “yeah. I like you. You’re pretty cool. Way cooler than the others. And youre genuine. You get it?”

You’re stunned, the confession was very obviously genuine. You stammer a moment, trying to say something even you didn’t know what it would be. Moony shouted above your thoughts, however, adding only more confusion, “Oh my god, I TOLD you, (Y/N)! He likes you!” Your face flushes, and your friend giggles at you. Your gaze snaps between an eager to watch Moony and a worried about the response Jax.

You blink, mind finally catching up to you, “Y-you do? I… Would you like to… go on a date?” you tested nervously. Jax’s shoulders dipped in relief, “Yeah. Maybe a day at the fairgrounds.” You nod your agreement, scooting closer to him.

Moony puffed up her metaphorical chest, “My plan totally worked!” You glance at her, a disbeleiving frown playing on your lips, “Oh yeah? Plan?” She grinned, “Yeah, I definitely set this up so you two would confess.” You laughed, “Sure you did, Moony.”

As you spoke, Jax set his hand on yours. You respond by tanging your fingers with his, your heart picking up slightly. You weren’t sure, exactly, how it had happened, but you were positive is wasnt Moony. Either way, you were glad it had.