#i love them so much i am going to scream
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Thinking about my OT3s rn
#feeling so just#overwhelmed because i saw a fic about a part of one of them and the brainrot for all of them is eternal#and i wanna do stuff for them but real life responsibilities are about to suck so hard#rahhhhh someone get unhealthily attached to them like i am so we can rant about it together because#i love them so much i am going to scream#akidenpower#itafushijun#rambles#ot3#polyships#polyshipping
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taking a minute
#me when. me whem. when. me. otasune….#GRABS MY HEAD. SCREAMS LOUDLY#sorry guys my area has been ravaged by wildfire! so no drawing lmfao#but im safe! im evacuated and am staying with family so we good#otasune save me yayyyyayyayayyyyyyyyy#they’re so comfortable with each other im mgs2……i miss them so goddamn much aaaaaaaa#im slow going with ideas but…….i love drawing them#yayyyyy#solid snake#snavid#otacon#hal emmerich#otasune#snotacon#metal gear solid#mgs#mgs2 sons of liberty#ok bye
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no way she's alive ?? yea those mental health breaks because social media makes people suck are wild huh
#star wars#clone wars#star wars fanart#ahsoka tano#captain rex#anyway i bring you this a) because i'm going back to my tcw roots of late and b) because i miss them terribly#as you can see because i can't handle reality i put her in the novel design#cause wdym they split up after order 66 haha what no that didn't happen you're crazy#read it however you want idc ^^)b any interpretation of their dynamic is the best one i think#yea anyway in this amount of time i've gotten a lot better at anatomy and i don't really care about social media anymore#but i have like nowhere to put my art now so *shrug*#star wars the clone wars#artists on tumblr#i've wanted to do one of those post-type drawings and i am .-+ too lazy +-. to color it sooo#signature got cropped sigh. whatever#if you see a mistake no you don't. you know the drill#also i finally watched bad batch season 3 around christmastime and hewiutgeh.#singlehandedly took the show from a 4 to a 10 for me so thx dave filoni we love u as always >>>#lowk kinda missed it here *gazes fondly at the bot spam and screaming and cursing in my feed*#btw i have never used instagram in my life so if this is formatted wrong it's your fault. bye#someone tell me whether or not i should tag this as rxsk because i am very much debating#does tumblr even like them anymore ?? i know ao3 does they're still going crazy over there (>1k works God bless)#“bro's first post back and she's yapping her head off” cmon you know me by now anyway can we talk about season 7 ahsoka#i find no fault in her. she is perfect. she is the greatest version of any star wars character ever at all#no i will not be thinking about whether or not anyone told her about fives. no i will not be thinking about whether or not anyone told echo#ok that's enough bye i'll wait for this to get four notes at most and three of them being comments screaming at me#one more thing uhh suspend your disbelief since anakin liked the post. rots didn't happen and everything is fine !!#my art
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I have finally finished 2.4 and oh my GOD watching Dan Heng be so protective of his friends nearly killed me, MY HEART.
And yes, the cutscene where he pushes the trailblazer out of the way and even cushions their fall with his own body, but I mean even before that! When he was already trying to protect them and March 7th from Feixiao and Lingsha!!
Because if you watch the dango trio throughout the main quest, you'll notice that they often position themselves in the same way, which is a detail that makes me super happy that Hoyo thought to include- when the three of them aren't evenly spaced, March 7th and the trailblazer tend to gravitate towards each other and stand very close together, frequently side-by-side. And by comparison, Dan Heng usually stands slightly away, and often even slightly behind them, where he can pull on their leashes to wrangle them keep an eye on them.
This is probably a habit learned through experience, since March 7th said during Belobog she is the "queen of unannounced disappearances" fjdksajfkldjsak
And of course at least a little bit of it is just done for like, aesthetic purposes. It's a video game. Things have to look nice for the player. The trailblazer and Dan Heng are the same height, March 7th is a bit shorter, and Yanqing is even smaller. It makes sense to have the trailblazer and Dan Heng stand on the ends, with March 7th and Yanqing in the middle, it just looks nicer and more balanced that way. But still! Even when they're accommodating for Yanqing in this quest, they still all arrange themselves the same way, almost every time!
But this changes after Dan Heng and Yanqing become suspicious of the visitors from the Yaoqing.
The dango trio still stand around relaxed and in their usual manner when they go to the artisanship delve and meet Skott,
but Dan Heng takes notice of Lingsha when she arrives, and he and Yanqing mentioned her specifically when discussing their worries.
Yanqing worrying so much about Jing Yuan got me right in the heart, he's such a good boy WEH
And when the four of them go out to the alchemy delve to meet Lingsha for tea, the pattern breaks. Suddenly Dan Heng is standing right up front, and even walks in and enters the scene before March 7th and the trailblazer to get to Lingsha before them. He stays a step in front of them the whole time, too.
And then when Dan Heng and the trailblazer have to go be interrogated by Feixiao! The same deal! Dan Heng walks in ahead of them and stays in front of them! Noticeably so! Enough that even Feixiao takes note and voices it!
Dan Heng is so so fiercely protective of his companions, and I love it, I adore hyper vigilance in the wake of trauma like this, I'm so excited to see what else he does in 2.5, I hope we either get to see him get fucked up or the trailblazer gets fucked up in his place, I wanna see them run through the meat grinder!!!
#honkai star rail#hsr#hsr dan heng#dan heng#dancae#danstelle#he loves them so much wehhhhhh#(I know I threw in the ship tags but I mean that love romantically or platonically. tag this either way as you please)#but anyway not to mention the whole cutscene part and Dan Heng promising he wouldn't let them die before him#I could have screamed when I read that oh my GOD#Dan Heng. baby. honey. sweetiepie.#I am going to squish him#I wanna see him get a little freaked out about being stuck in the Shackling Prison again heehee#I hope we get to see his old cell at some point#looking at all this though like yeah no wonder Dan Heng immediately doesn't like Moze haha#Moze is capable of the bigger picture and of being objective. Dan Heng loses that ability when his friends are in danger.#It's just not something they can see eye-to-eye on.#Dan Heng and even the trailblazer both immediately see it as being cold and uncaring.#Moze: *breathes*#Dan Heng: I'm no cactus expert but this guy's a prick.#I love them both I hope they butt heads again later fjkldjaklfd#dango trio#Nameless trio#trailblazer trio#caelus#stelle#hsr caelus#hsr stelle#march 7th
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THE WEEKLY DORYM MOMENTS!! (and other stuff i liked...)) IN NO ORDER AT ALL!! liam and robbie not so subtly wearing each other's character's colors.... dorian and orym sharing concern for imogen, also consistently bouncing off of each other's ideas... adding-on.... complimenting... etc. sibling relationship imogen and dorian have developed is so special to me. imogen seeing dorian as a younger brother, dorian seeing imogen as that older sister figure in place of his lost older brother,,, they care so much about each other they are so wlw and mlm core the nat 20 on the dorian dice that liam got. im okay guys. im okay. dorian's jealousy whenever braius interacts with orym is so funny to me "shouldn't you be helping your BOYfriend???" --- "look at him ride!!!" <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 DORIAN MVP THIS FIGHT BTW HOLY SHIT HES SO HOT SOMEBODY STOP HIM the face liam makes for orym when dorian asks him if he wants to be a mounted fighter. the lovingness of all of it. dorian still showing chivalry by boosting orym up onto the saddle even though he knows orym can do it himself. THE CHEEK KISS. (braius crying is so fucking golden)) robbie's eyebrows at liam when they say "semenangings" (or however its spelled/called HELP) just wanna mention all of the faces and glances liam (mostly) and robbie were making at each other and hyping each other up a whole lot the entire time. dorian flanking opposite of orym immediately!!!!! awwh i still cant get enough of dorian's little quirk of humming a tune when hes nervous. suuuuch a good trait, im actually feral over it. dorian humming that tune after orym tells them to make no sudden movements... continues humming it until it summons his dragon!! ME WHEN WHEN WHEN ME WHEN WHEN,, WHEN.. soooo many nat 20s SO MANY NAT 20S THIS EPISODE WHAAAT dorian[robbie] cheering orym on when he leads the charge on his dragon "heads up! its a full moooooo" still patiently waiting for dorian to kiss orym as a way to give him bardic inspiration >:(((
#dorym#dorian storm#orym of the air ashari#critical role#bells hells#c3#campaign 3#cr spoilers#dorian x orym#critical role spoilers#braius doomseed#imogen temult#c3e117#WHY ARE THEY SO SILLY I LOVE DORYM SO MUCH#i need them to survive. and not go their separate ways at the end.#i will scream so loudly for the next couple of years if these two stupid men do not have their happy ending#the real ones have been waiting for so long just for dorian and orym to reunite and now we have CLOSE TO everything#has it been worth the wait? hell yes! am i still scared that one of them will die or leave the other afterwards because of smth smth smth#ALSO YES.#and i will be so mad if dorian dies. i will be so pissed bro
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Going insane thinking about Martlet at the end of the Aborted No Mercy Run.
You have a human standing before you. They have proven themself to be just as dangerous as your mentor said they'd be: through the Dark Ruins, Lower Snowdin, and the Dunes, they had carved out a trail of dust and death and misery. Dozens of your fellow monsters have fallen under their gun.
And yet! This human granted mercy to you and a bunch of half-rusted robots. Is that enough kindness within them to make them worthy of redemption? Should you let them go unpunished? Families have been irreparably destroyed, friends and fellow citizens have been slaughtered on their quest for vengeance. This wasn't some frightened kid defending themself; all of their actions--all of those deaths--were deliberate. If people knew that you took them in, they'd tear down your doors demanding bloodshed for all the grief this human inflicted on the Underground and brand you a villain. No matter what you do, whether it be to kill them or grant them mercy, dozens are dead regardless.
And yet, this human, Clover (though you're the only one who knows their name), isn't attacking you. Even when you've thrown away the only chance you had at defeating them, they're not attacking you. They're listening to your idea about staying with you, they either agree or hesitate at the prospect of staying with you before agreeing. They've agreed to put their tendency towards violence/dustshed behind them and to try to be peaceful. You've never been quite sure if you've made the best choices until after you've made them, but this one? In this moment, this one results in the least amount of violence and death between the two of you.
Is this the best choice and outcome for this situation? I don't know, I'm not qualified enough to answer that. But if it wasn't for Flowey's meddling, it would have worked.
#undertale yellow#i think a lot about the whole ''punitive vs restorative'' justice thing going on between Martlet and Clover in high LOVE routes.#had i been in Martlet's shoes in this situation i doubt i would have been able to toss the DT away and offer Clover a place to stay.#idk. it's complicated. i feel like everyone should be given the chance to improve themself if that's what they choose to do.#AND YET! i can't stop that monkey brain part of me that would be screaming to kill them. even though killing Clover would solve#nothing and all those citizens would be dead regardless.#in that way Martlet is a better person than I am. and yet! shouldn't the guilty be taught some sort of lesson???#even if it's not death shouldn't there be some sort of punishment? would punishment even be effective or am i seeking#out some form of retribution for my own sense of satisfaction?#i REALLY wish this was something that the fandom took more interest in because there's so much meat to this situation.#the ONLY difference between this version of Neutral Clover and the No Mercy Route Clover is a bunch of destroyed robots in a forgotten#part of the Underground. the same number of actual people are still dead.#char: martlet#char: clover
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𝐃𝐑𝐀𝐆𝐎𝐍 𝐀𝐆𝐄: 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐕𝐄𝐈𝐋𝐆𝐔𝐀𝐑𝐃 ➸ irulanne . the rook .
𝐌𝐎𝐔𝐑𝐍 𝐖𝐀𝐓𝐂𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐒 . 𝐄𝐋𝐅 . 𝐃𝐄𝐀𝐓𝐇 𝐂𝐀𝐋𝐋𝐄𝐑 𝐌𝐀𝐆𝐄 .
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#oc: irulanne#leg.ocs#leg.edits#*myedits#*ocedit#dragon age rook#da:tv#datv#my necromancer !!!!!!! my baby she’s here!!#teehee the first of the rooks !! so far i have 4 on standby for the fall the brainworms are brainwormingg jnhdkhnsk#spot the lucanne reference hehee twas a must to add something of luca in there he and lanna have had me in a CHOKEHOLD all a week hehe <3#colorings by cavalier remainn ICONIC andd SPEAKING OF WHICH THIS TEMPLATE GOLLY HOLLY#ty tyy orion this template was SOO good *screams* i had SO much fun working with it!!!!!#alsoo the official tarot for necromancers / mages / sidony from inky youll always be loved by MEE.#i am not sure if i want to go too much into her lore yet as its so early but the brainrot is brainrotting and i have SOO many thoughts!!#her history her lore how i see her interacting with the world and the world with her lanna's personality and her dynamic with luca AHHHH#*rattling the bars of my cage* FALL COME SOONER !!#lanna has had the braincell for the week STRAIGHT hdbjh <33#the high stakes tennis match between dragon show and dragon game brainrot hehe <33#ill hopefully have something for them too soooon I MISSED THEMM SO MUCHH#her lighthouse outfit + luca's outfit hehe couples that wear *almost* matching outfits thats soulmates or something (im normal) HEHEE#her name (hopefully the last time i change it djksncks) is inspired by i*rulan from d*une !!#an arcane prodigy entering her girlfailure era <33 girlbossed too close to the sun if u will JNDKJDSN#seemingly puts on an air of confidence but hides BIIIG time nervous wreck energy shes gonna take messing things up well i can feel it :')#i feel like a lot of clothes for her are sort of reminiscent of her time in the mourn watchers? all based on aspects of the dead??#like bones or etc?? but i also love that she could be a lightning learning mage with other magic so she takes to that more ethereal nature#to her style !! she’s also a BIG fan of the opera and was sort of praised as this golden child an arcane prodigy#the gifted kid to burnout adult pipeline she is really feeling it now 🥀🤧#hi hi moots if u read all that i am baking you cookies as we speak THERES SO MUCH MORE LOREE on her i have im screaming she’s everythingg#AHH IT WORKED IT POSTED <33 so so happy i can yell about her now HEHE 🥀💌
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GUYS!GUYS!GUYS! LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING! LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING!

WHY IS THIS HERE!?!??! WHY IS THIS IN REFERENCE TO THE "HOSHINA'S DAY OFF" SPECIAL THAT IS TO BE COMING OUT AT SOME POINT!?!?!?!??
THEY ARE LITERALLY SUPERIMPOSED OVER HOSHINA WITH THE "HOSHINA'S DAY OFF" CAPTION NEXT TO IT!??!?!?!?
MY POINT BEING
MOTORCYCLE "DATE" B-PLOT???!?!?!?!??
#fuckkkk#Did I scream enough yet?#Can you tell how feral this is making me?#Motorcycle rides are the epitome of Most Romantic trope to use with gay people#This is so amazing#I' am so in love with this image#I wish them many bromantic shenanigans#There will be a short story about this now.#I cannot calm down far enough to clearly articulate just HOW MUCH I will be thinking about this image#I wasn't originally going to hunt down and watch Hoshina's day off but if they're promising IhaReno motorcycle shenanigans#I will pry the disc from the Theater's fingers just to watch it with a group of select individuals that will truly appreciate the spectical#kaiju no. 8#kn8#kaiju no 8#kaiju number 8#kaiju no.8#kaiju n8#kaiju no. eight#kaijuu no. 8#kaijuu 8 gou#kaijuu number 8#iharu furuhashi#reno ichikawa#iharu x reno#ihareno#Obviously it's not going to be a “Date” date but I will not be viewing it as any other way.
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put on the first ep of doctor who and Like 6 mins in and I already want to scream over rose and the doctor
#their first meeting bro#he saves her and literally the first shot is of him grabbing her hand and holding it#like it just focuses on their hands intertwining#which you know doesn't really mean anything I guess#he's saving her of course that mean dragging them away#EXCEPT#he does it constantly after that when she decides to go with him#they're ALWAYS holding hands#i think even in the rest of this first episode they hold hands multiple times and THEY JUST MET#their instant connection means so much to me#I love them#doctor who 2005#doctor who season 1#doctor who#the ninth doctor#rose tyler#timepetals#the doctor#rose doctor who#the tenth doctor#THAT MOMENT WHERE HE'S TALKING ABOUT THE WORLD TURNING AND HE GRABS HER HAND#AMD SAYS THAT'S WHO I AM NOW FORGET ME ROSE TYLER#SHE NEVER DOES AFTER THAT#she never forgets him 😭#I'm no longer screaming I'm just crying
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one thing I have to keep reremembering every time I'm playing a soulslike/similar kind of difficult game -- and that I wish I could internalize elsewhere in my life as well -- is that you always, always have to suffer through the long dark of an inexplicable failcringe era before you can emerge into a fresh new dawn of competence. faceplanting into humiliating failure in ways you hadn't even conceived of before on a loop can sometimes be the herald of great and wondrous things to come soon. don't be so quick to abandon yourself in the early murk of daybreak because you think you just suck!!!
#returnal out here reminding me of the great truths yet again#I am crying and screaming my way through the fractured wastes. I may have relinquished all dignity. but I am making progress#returnal#tbf I do find the grind weirdly comforting. this game is Doing something with the strange paradoxical comfort of misery#and it's doing it very well. fills the same 'knocking your head against a wall for the pleasure of it' depression niche#as farming for souls in formsoft games haha. we must imagine the bearer of the curse happy#it's the same thing I'm doing in real life but at least in games you get to see tangible progress within ten hours. not so in life I fear#the only part of the game I haven't loved so far is the nemesis boss fight but that kind of checks out considering what sorts of bosses#I normally struggle with. I love a dance partner boss I hate a 'so much is going on all the time all over the place what the fuck' boss#I could fight malenia for hours but when you fill my screen with noise I am frustrated and defeated lol#fight me man on man you COWARD!!!#thank god the game doesn't force you to replay bosses after you beat them the first time (though the others were kind of fun so)
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SOMEONE KILL THEM PLEASE SOMEONE KILL THEM SOMEONE KILL THEM SOMEONE KILL THEM SOMEONE KILL THEM SOMEONE KILL THEM SOMEONE KILL THEM SOMEONE KILL THEM SOMEONE KILL THEM SOMEONE KILL THEM SOMEONE KILL THEM SOMEONE KILL THEM SOMEONE KILL THEM SOMEONE KILL THEM SOMEONE KILL THEM SOMEONE KILL THEM SOMEONE KILL THEM PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.
#vent#rant#uhc shooter#brian thompson#donald trump#elon musk#jd vance#i know it won't stop with them but life would be so much more peaceful for me if they'd just drop fucking dead.#still i prevail. im still here.#skyguy's moment of weakness#i try not to be a doomer or whatever and for the most part im not!!#i am simply#scared. very scared. and a little jaded.#i will fight as well as i can by living and loving to the fullest i can#let them take me not curled up and shrouded in a white flag but smiling and thriving and breathing and reading and talking and laughing#me screaming in effort LIFE. GOES. ON. I WILL LIVE TO SEE PEACE AND PROSPER.#i love you all btw. i hope your day gets better :] go out and kiss the skies if you're able.#i know what it's like to not see beauty and im privileged enough to see the same days in a brighter light than my younger self.#but please someone kill them please that would be ideal.#and fighting. i will go out fighting and screaming and indignant as well. i am a coin.#how did they miss THREE TIMES BRO COME ON
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i'm just living THAT life (my parents fight every fucking minute but they won't divorce)
#i'm exhausteeeeed#pls just shut up#life would be worse if they divorced but would it really?#every little thing becomes a disaster#they overreact so freaking much#and when i cry cause i'm stressed they tell me i'm exaggerating#SHUT UP#SOMETIMES I JUST WANT TO SCREAM AT THEM LIKE SHUT THE FUCK UPPPPP#the lore is too deep to be shared at this point#going to sleep with white noise (my parents screaming from the kitchen) how lovely#i miss silence in this house#marriage is scary guys what if i am like my parents
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me, crying: chrisker...
#resident evil#chrisker#i'm so for real. i'm obsessed with them#they are SO obsessed with each other#and entangled the entire way through the series even after wesker dies#i am PRAYING for a wesker return in re9#i mean. the end of re8 set up the next plot point being the downfall of the BSAA#so as much as i would adore a leon + jill game and i absolutely won't be mad if that's what we get#i am hoping they explore the downfall with chris in 9 or another game. and if they do they BETTER bring wesker back#we did NOT see a body. no body = alive in all media always#and i just. im climbing the walls#im so feral about them#the way their love is doomed. the way they can't let go of each other#the way wesker always keeps an eye on chris and the way chris uses replicas of wesker's weapons#the 5 stages of grief chris went through when he met jake#and the clear suffering heavy guilt he carries for killing wesker when he offers for jake to shoot him#im so unwell. they are so#*screaming*
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adhd comix
#man i dont even have the energy to be mad. im just tired#like. dont u love it when your parents exhibit symptoms of ADHD and your sibling is diagnosed with a learning disability#and instead of thinking oh shit what if the other one has smth too. they subject you to The Horrors#i cant bring myself to hate my parents. but im tired of feeling obligated to defend them when the thing they think is working#isnt actually working and ive just found other ways to cope to avoid any sort of conflict. like lying and stealing. lol#if someone took me aside and said 'hey so your brain doesnt make as much dopamine as usual and its not a bad thing it just means you#need external stimulation and reward system to function and youre not actually secretly fucked up or lazy' as a kid#im pretty sure i wouldnt be here rn with half the problems i already have. unfortunately getting diagnosed late means u dont have a teacher#to back you up at a parent teacher conference that forces your parents to take this shit seriously instead of ignoring it hoping itll#go away on its own. but hey what do i know i have squirrel ipad baby disease. what do i know about my own symptoms#AND. AND i think im allowd to be mad bc ive been doing my own research on this for years before and after diagnosis#theyve been putting me thru the WORST parenting techniques on earth. which they could have corrected at anytime but they were#comfortable thinking they were doing it right and didnt bother to check if they were or werent fucking up their kid in the long run#and refusing to acknowledge it. i just!! they just decided one day hey lets make babies!! and just looked at books on how to make#a human being survive as long as possible!!! what the fuck!!!!#im sorry for putting this on ppls dashes but i am. so tired. of bottling this up. and im not looking for sympathy or anything i just need#to scream and clench my fists to SOMEONE about it because theyre not gonna take this well up the ass. sigh#yapping#vent
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Comte 7th Birthday Story Event Translation
Hey everybody! Been a bit of a hectic month, but you know the hype never stops for Comte in this house. I've translated the first parts of this story, with more to come as soon as I complete the rest.
Without further ado, jpnese story event spoilers below:
One day, at the beginning of October, just as the signs of autumn were beginning to deepen-- I was enjoying tea time with Comte under the pavilion of the mansion. MC: There’s no mistaking it, clear skies and the sun high in the sky…it’s nearly autumn. Comte: Yes. It’s pure bliss to be able to have tea time outside on such a pleasant and sunny day. Comte, who was sitting across from me, suddenly frowns at the oncoming breeze. Comte: But the wind is a little chilly. Are you cold, MC? MC: No, I don’t mind it…[sneeze sfx] (! What a moment for me to sneeze of all times…) Comte: …
MC: I-I’m sorry. But really, I’m okay. He suddenly smiled and stood up as I anxiously tried to reassure him. Comte: --Don’t push yourself too hard. Comte, who moved to sit next to me, unfolded his coat and hugged me from behind to wrap me up in his warmth. MC: Th-thank you very much Comte: You’re welcome (It’s warm…) While I’m ticklishly happy and delighted, Comte spoke as if he had remembered something.
Literally????? That's so cute. No notes that is the sweetest thing I've ever witnessed. It's hilarious because as I was reading I was so 👀 why don't you warm her up, then, Comte. And then he immediately did and I was like AAAAAAAA BEST MAN!!!! KING!!!!!!
I have decided my new eternal location will be within Comte's coat, no I don't take criticism. This is my happy place
Comte: I’ve heard that my aristocratic friends have decided to hold a birthday party for me on October 25th this year. MC: Oh my, that’s wonderful Comte: If you don’t mind, I’d like to go with you Comte: --Will you stay by my side as my partner, MC? I couldn’t help the way my cheeks burned as he looked intently into my eyes. MC: If you’ll have me, then with pleasure When I nodded Comte beamed, his eyes sparkling with delight. Comte: Thank you, I’m looking forward to escorting you that day.
At the risk of calling him adorable 18 times in the course of this process, I will now be communicating telepathically--
(If it’s a party explicitly for him, it’ll probably be more luxurious than usual.) (If it’s on his birthday, I want to do something to celebrate him too…) What on earth should I do, what can I do to make Comte happy? (...there’s still some time. I’ll think it over.) It remained on my mind-- (What should I do? I was still mulling it over, despite his birthday only three days away…) (The time limit served to make me more anxious, and I couldn’t seem to think straight. As I walked down the hall worrying…) Leonardo: What’s wrong, cara mia? There’s a deep furrow in your brow
I love Leonardo so much sometimes, "ayo your face is all messed up, what's the matter?" this is just classic him, 11/10 never gets old
MC: Oh… Leonardo was walking by and stopped me, which was enough to make me come to my senses. (Yes, I might be able to get some good ideas from Leonardo…!) MC: Leonardo, could you give me some advice? Leonardo: Hm? I don’t mind… Leonardo blinked with surprise for a moment, before turning his face and smiling. Leonardo: Does cara mia’s problem…have something to do with ‘Comte’s’ birthday? MC: How did you… (Was it written all over my face?)
Oh MC, we really in it now--
As my voice lowered from the embarrassment of being seen through, Leonardo laughed with good humor. Leonardo: Actually, just a moment ago, Comte wouldn’t stop gushing about how excited he was to go to his birthday party with you. (Oh, I’m in love with you…) I was beyond happy--but also feeling shy about it--and all of a sudden I went pink from the neck up. Leonardo: So, what is it that you’re worried about? MC: …I wanted to be able to congratulate him in my own way, but given Comte is a man with everything at his fingertips I have no idea what to get him. I’ve been wracking my brain. MC: You’ve known him for a long time, haven’t you Leonardo? Can you give me some pointers? Leonardo: I see, that’s a very cute problem Leonardo laughed lightly as he answered.
Literally that part with MC where she goes (Oh, I'm in love with you...) had to be one of the funniest moments of identification I've ever had while playing an otome. The way she really went SOBS WAILS CRIES HE'S ADORABLE AAAAAAAA because g o d, same. I love how Comte is just that guy who gets married and is like HAVE YOU SEEN MY WIFE. I LOVE MY WIFE. WHERE'S MY WIFE--deadass it's like that one reddit guy meme (mywife is soft nd ilikeher...) from a while back.
I also think it's so cute that Leo's just watching all this from afar like ":> good for them." It just gave me such warm fuzzies!!
Leonardo: All I can say is Leonardo: Even if you have everything…that doesn’t necessarily mean you feel fulfilled/satisfied in every way possible. MC: huh… (What does he mean?) Leonardo squints his eyes a little at me when I tilt my head. He looks calm, but also like he’s looking somewhere far away. Leonardo: Why don’t you ask Comte what it was like, on his birthday, before he met you. (What was it like on his birthday before he met me…?) As I was deep in thought, Leonardo patted me on the shoulder as the corner of his mouth went up a little. Leonardo: Well, in the end, I think even if you don’t--he’ll be happy with whatever present you think of.
Honestly this is something that's frequently on my mind, and really timely in the context of the 5th bday story that just came out. Because I really do think Comte values sincerity of feeling and consideration for him a whole lot more than he does anything material. I've also been thinking about his upbringing and how it created a basis for that feeling, a kind of vacuum in his interactions with the world--in which a buried and silenced yearning keeps resurfacing despite his best efforts to smile and keep moving. Namely because he met people and had mentors who were earnest and heartfelt in their care for him, who raised him like a human child. Then he was more or less told at like 12 with zero warning: yeah you're never going to feel that again. Perform to survive and that's the most you'll ever get out of life. (Fellas...)
How to broach the topic. On the one hand, I could see how this is a reflection of a warped understanding--arguably even a kind of deeply embodied hopelessness--that his family/other purebloods imbued into him. But on the other, I can't help but feel that's just so many levels of effed up. It's not really hard to imagine how Comte lost himself, became so conflicted and distanced from his own desires. It's interesting too, because when Vlad tells him in the main story route "So you’re not going to do anything, as usual?…You’ve always been uncertain and indecisive, Comte…Even when you lost ‘her’ during the war…" and more or less goads him, I don't think I fully appreciated the meaning behind Comte's silent answering wrath at the implication. Because to be honest, Vlad was hitting an extremely sensitive point; that Comte wants more, but genuinely struggles acting on it with confidence because of his experiences and conditioning.
One thing I love about Ikevamp is that it is quintessential good writing in the sense that, even years later, I go back and I see dimensions to what's been said/felt and more layers of nuance than I'd ever imagined. Certainly Vlad's sentiment is insensitive on the surface level: he's making light of someone who died horribly, someone who died unjustly, in front of someone who felt real love for that person's life. But even deeper than that, Vlad's mocking a profound insecurity and point of prolonged pain for Comte that he struggles to talk about with much of anyone. To know that, and to use something so deeply private, is like the twist of a knife already embedded beneath the skin. It's no wonder Comte has a moment where he's inches from retaliating against his better judgment.
I feel like I also identify with this notion of feeling like something is deeply wrong, but not having the scope to be able to fully understand why or how to break away from it. I find it really realistic that Comte needed time and input from others to move away from that conditioning, to start seeing the world in a different light. Maybe even more apt, it all started with an act of courage; messy, well-meaning, imperfect--but true to who he wanted to be for the first time in his long life.
As I was spending time with Comte later that night, I couldn’t get Leonardo’s words out of my mind the entire time… Comte: --MC. [the way i hid my face STOP READING MY MIND S I R] Suddenly, Comte looked over from where he was sitting next to me. Comte: You look like there’s something’s weighing on your mind…did something happen? MC: Well… At the sound of his gentle probing, I find the courage to ask. MC: Earlier today, I was talking to Leonardo about attending the birthday party. Along the way I started to wonder what it was like for you on your birthdays before we met. MC: Could you please tell me about your birthday…before you met me?
Okay but like. I am seriously such a sucker for a couple knowing each other long enough where they just. Glance at the other and are like "aight wtf happened." It's beautiful. 100/10 hits every single time. No notes, poetic cinema.
I also love this sensibility between them where they're very good at giving each other some time to process things first. Like I can think of so many instances where Comte knew something was wrong immediately, but he waited to bring it up out of respect for her 🥺💜
Comte: … He blinked a little in surprise, but then his face clouded. Comte: …my birthday, before I met you? Comte: It’s such a boring/trifling story it wouldn’t even be worth telling as a bedtime story. MC: I’d still like to know…please, if you could tell me. I stared at him, and he let out a small sigh after I asked. Comte: --What I’m going to tell you now, it was a long time ago. Comte: There were many, many occasions in which other aristocrats threw big birthday parties for me.
Okay, I wanna talk about this mainly because I was so genuinely shocked by his sheer...vehemence? And self-derision regarding who he perceives he used to be. Because I feel like he usually just tries to elide it, or make light of it--not the visceral contempt here that startled me. In some ways, I feel like it might be because he feels more comfortable expressing the extent of his unhappiness with how his life used to be, and that's a good thing. On the other--;-;. I just want to hug him so bad...Comte don't deride the man I love, he's doing his best and is very special to me and lovely 😭
(Flashback begins) --Music plays at a spectacular venue and various meals were provided to entertain people dressed to the nines. Comte, who was the star of the night, was surrounded by many gorgeous women… Noble’s daughter: Congratulations, Comte Noblewoman: Congratulations! Blessings, mountains of gifts, and laughter echoes throughout the venue. At first glance, it did indeed look like a gorgeous birthday party, but in reality it was just a pretense. (No matter who I look at, this place reeks of barely disguised avaricious ambition.) No matter how many well wishes I receive in a place where such vapid desires swirl, my heart will never be satisfied-- Comte: While it may have been a birthday party, ultimately everyone was there for the sake of my wealth, status, and power…. Comte: --No matter how gorgeous the evening party, every corner of the room dripping in vanity left my heart more unsatisfied than ever.
Literally I am torn between two feelings. The first being, oh Abel. King. You would have loved My Chemical Romance, you were robbed as a young vampire. Second, the sheer unabating passion I feel for his emo dismissal of their vapidities is enough to make me explode. Comte I want you carnally. There's something very real and hilarious about even rich people hating other rich people that makes me wheeze.
(To be fair, there were likely a few decent folk among them as it often happens in any demographic of people--I just think it's very growing pains mood to kind of lose hope in others. We all have that phase.)
MC: … I was speechless, and kept staring at him in silence. His profile took on a blank, empty look; it was hard to believe he was talking about his own birthday party. Just looking at that expression makes my heart tighten… Comte: On the surface, I made an effort to look like I was enjoying myself. But deep down it just wasn’t the case-- Comte: With one of my pureblood friends, I accidentally let it slip when I was talking to him that same night. Comte: I feel so…empty (returns to the flashback)
Not the dissociation taking over, king 😭😭😭😭😭😭
Although this next part gets so unhinged I was literally screaming, it's a miracle Comte is some degree of normal after exposure to whatever the hell this is.
Pureblood friend: In that case, it might do you some good to fall in love. It would be nice to fall in love with another pureblood…but it would be especially nice with a human. Falling in love with a human will fill your heart with more warmth than ever before. Comte: Why would you go to the trouble of falling in love with a human…? Pureblood friend: They are truly beautiful, incandescent in the short lives that they live. They have the spark of life that we lack. I was intrigued by the “love that transcends kind” that my friend talked about so enthusiastically-- Comte: And what happened to that human lover…? Pureblood friend: …We broke up My friend shrugged his shoulders, looking rather sad. Pureblood friend: I knew I couldn’t stay by her side forever. So I said goodbye before it became too hard. Pureblood friend: Besides, if we stayed together for too long, people would eventually realize who we really are. We are different creatures, after all. Comte: …I see. [he looks so openly upset about this ;HDSGLKHDJFGHLKSJH] Pureblood friend: But I have no regrets. Even if it was only for a short while, I was able to love someone so deeply.
Where do I even begin with this one. What kind of advice is this.
Comte: feeling the existential dread more acutely with each passing day. will the emptiness ever end? His friend: go have a human fling and that'll make everything better. just let someone else fix you
He really said "bestie it's time for hot girl summer" and I really just don't know what to say here. Like. Please don't try this at home????? That is not remotely the correct answer but also that's lowkey so insane it loops right back around to being uproariously funny. The absurdist humor just writes itself here honestly.
This is what people mean when they say those born rich and powerful are just severely out of touch with basic tenants of humanity.
I’m torn between feeling disappointed, but also understanding where he’s coming from. No matter how hot the flame of love burns--it takes but a moment to extinguish between purebloods and human people. (No, it’s not limited to love…that’s how it always is, with humans. Every interaction is destined to end sooner or later.) Every time it happens, I feel the sadness pile up in my heart. How long will I go on living like this? The only answer I ever get is that it’s eternally inevitable. I lived in fear of that loneliness, seeking to avoid it by indulging in momentary pleasures-- (End of flashback) Comte: I figured the day I would feel fulfilled would never truly come… Comte: I lived as I pleased, such was the nature of my decadent birthdays.
Rest assured, Comte demonstrates how much he took this advice with a grain of salt throughout this event--which is honestly something I love so much about him. It's clear he really only agrees on the level of how difficult it is to be close to humankind, not really the idea that flings are the universal stopgap to his despair. I do think it's true we need support from others to grow and change, but I don't think this nuance is quite captured by his pureblood friend. I think Comte felt it didn't serve as an answer that was satisfactory to him, so he did what made him feel safe until he could understand how to act on what he wanted.
MC: Oh… I get a glimpse of him as he was all those years ago, buried in the emptiness of his past. I naturally hugged him close to me where I was sitting beside him. Comte: MC… Comte murmured in surprise, wrapping his arms around me and stroking my back. Comte: …While I was reminiscing about my birthday, it seems I got a bit carried away with the conversation.
EVERYBODY SAY THANK YOU MC FOR HUGGING COMTE, BECAUSE GOD SAME. THIS POOR MAN :(( 💜💜💜💜
Comte: You can rest assured. It’s already a thing of the past, that I would spend each birthday mired in such dissatisfaction. MC: Then, what about now…? When I looked up, even from this close proximity his eyes only reflected me. Comte: --my thoughts from that time have changed ever since I met you. He touches my cheek and strokes it as if to seek out my warmth. Comte: 'Even if I fall in love, this emptiness will never be filled…' Comte: What’s more, I’ve given up on the idea that it’s futile to fall in love with a human, that I would only suffer from the distance between us… Comte: MC, you’re the one who changed everything for me.
Screaming, crying, wailing, barking, etc.
But also I feel something so real and raw in the idea that he was just tired of being forced to hide all his life. The earnest yearning for someone who can love and accept you as you are, rather than for all that you feel you have to be. The difference between love that is perpetually conditional, versus unconditionally gifted in perpetuum.
MC: Me…? Comte: Yes Comte smiled and looked up gently, leaning closer. Comte: I met you, and I fell in love with you from the bottom of my heart. Comte: In you, I found meaning in building up the “present” that we share together, accumulating into eternity. When I closed my eyes, soft lips pressed against mine lovingly. Comte: …you filled up the emptiness in my heart. The shadow that had crept into his eyes vanished just as quickly as it had emerged, filling me with relief. (“Even if you have everything, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re satisfied with it all.”...) (I think I finally understand what Leonardo was getting at…) When this occurred to me, something came to mind that I wanted to give him for his birthday…--
--It was the day of Comte’s birthday celebration. We were heading over to the party. Comte dressed me in fineries, from dresses to jewelry to accessories, for today. MC: Thank you for such a wonderful dress and accessories… Comte: It was my pleasure, thank you for indulging my selfishness. Comte: I was especially excited to dress you up to my liking, tonight. Comte, who was sitting across from me, narrowed his eyes that were tinged with love. Comte: You look stunning, every bit as much as I thought you would. It’s going to be a challenge keeping you away from everyone who falls madly in love at the sight of you, once again.
MC: Th-there’s no one like that, don’t be silly Comte: Yes there is. In fact, he’s sitting right in front of you…a man who sees only you. When I looked down, shy from all the words of praise and his unabashedly passionate gaze, the stone on my bracelet caught my eye. (This is…) I didn’t notice it when I was changing into everything, but when the setting sun’s light shone against it, the stone turned the same amber color as Comte’s eyes--a sparkling gold. At the same moment, the carriage came to a halt. Comte: It appears we’ve arrived. Now, MC, allow me to escort you. --When we entered the venue, everyone was already gathered and waiting for our arrival. The eyes of the guests turned toward us in unison. Aristocratic woman: Comte! Happy birthday! Daughter of a noble family: You look very handsome tonight, Comte! Just like the story he recounted to me of birthdays past, many beautiful women began to gather around Comte. However, Comte’s eyes were on me…. Comte: Come here, MC
"He's sitting right in front of you...a man who sees only you."
However, Comte's eyes were on me...... "Come here, MC"
S T O P KING, it's a wonder MC didn't disintegrate from the attention, I know I would straight up perish 😭🥺💜
#ikevamp#ikemen vampire#ikevamp comte#ikevamp saint germain#the way this story made me melt even more than ever before#leo's fondness to see them so happy together#mc giddy with comte's open affection and her real desire to reciprocate#comte's earnest love for mc and deep internal conflict#literally every moment comte is tender like this i think i gain actual years of life#splendid breathtaking extraordinairy perfect in every way humanly imaginable#i will die on this hill#and god dont even get me started on the next few parts im going to scream#he is so much. SO MUCH.#comte propaganda#fangdad propaganda#baguettosaurus#like i know he's always s o sweet on mc and that's wonderful and it makes me so happy#but i am ECSTATIC that we finally get to comfort and love him in return A U G H THANK GOD
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u ever just
🥰 all time low 🥰
#i love them so much#screaming and sobbing over them#once again i am very normal about them#idk hyperfixation go brrr#all time low
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