#i love the interpersonal relationships in the book

[cozy-the-overlord]

Rereading Wicked is wild as an adult because the first time I read this book I was a ten year old child who had basically no historical context and practically no knowledge of sex and so I read it and enjoyed it but also didn’t understand anything — I hadn’t even seen the play or listened to the soundtrack at that point, I just loved the original Wizard of Oz book series so much and was really curious about Wicked, so I had basically no context for any of the sociopolitical commentary 😂 I was just there to get excited when obscure characters from the original books (but who were cut from the film) like Boq or Ozma were mentioned.

So now, rereading it and seeing all the things that went waaaaaaaay over my head as a kid is wild

[aroaessidhe]

2024 reads / storygraph

What The Woods Took

YA horror

a girl and boy are both kidnapped from their beds and taken to a wilderness program, to hike across the wilderness for 50 days with 3 other traumatised teens

when their two adult counselors are gone one morning, they aren’t sure if leaving them alone was part of the program - or if something more sinister is going on. especially when they start seeing things that cause them to turn on each other…

butch lesbian mc

[unproduciblesmackdown]

no context no details "these days ppl can't Work Through Conflicts or they don't Try hard enough & this is why Communities are broken :(" how is it meaningfully different from "look at the divorce rates Today vs in the '50s :( everyone just throws marriages away. Women aren't having Kids everyone just throws Families away"

"oh these days people can think about their experiences as Trauma or Abuse simply if they Want to :( you can't even talk to anyone anymore, if you make them uncomfortable (through no fault of your own. they're too sensitive & i'm simply always Being Normal) they'll be crying victim :(" how is this meaningfully different from "ugh how can a man talk to a coworker woman anymore or even look at her. how can men try to flirt with and date women anymore :( everythinnng's misogyny ohh harassment assault oppression because you breathed in her direction :("

[femmefaggot]

youd think i read a lot more than i do based on the everything these past couple weeks. i am NOT a fan of books except when i am. you have to decide whether i think something is good or im just kinning. went into the deep end with this one i will not lie. i barely read average sized books <3 epic war fantasy time.

[optimisticllamathing]

to be completely honest I like reading Harry Potter fanfics that have quidditch games and that is the primary reason for most of what I read in this fandom. in the main series there’s always some Plot that disrupts the games and even the canon divergent stuff continues that trend, so I read marauders fanfic, and my favorite ship? james potter and regulus black, the two characters who give the most fucks about the sport in the entire setting AND have opposite team drama. plus different positions, so writers typically describe what both of them are up to!

[daisywords]

Well I finished The Hands of The Emperor, and well it was by no means a perfect read or my personal favorite ever, I did enjoy it immensely. My main takeaway is that more books should be allowed to be really long and character focused and about retirement-age adults and have a bajillion little subplots

[gideonisms]

I love it when genuinely strange women make art. Huge fan of listening to songs by a woman who has felt out of place in every circumstance since birth and reading books by a woman whose interpersonal relationships have clearly been complicated enough to be basically indescribable with modern terminology

[lamaery]

soooo, as one sometimes does in the last few weeks I found myself foraging the swamp that is ao3, my mind finding relaxation in how the light reflects prettily on the murky depths. There is just something fascinating about churning through iteration upon iteration of similar stories and varying interpretations of the same characters. The Harry Potter books get a bad rep these days, understandably connected to the horrid influence their author had on the ugly transphobia in our society. And the books themselves are definitely not beyond critique in many ways. Nevertheless there is a lot stuff about them that's fun and so I enjoy to see what people take and twist and extrapolate into their own versions of the world and the characters. Also because I've been up to my neck in a job, I haven't done a sketch dump in ages. At last, this Fanfic broke the dam Cauldron Full of Hot, Strong Love by @aibidil I liked it, since the fic features PoVs for all four of the main characters (each of them gets a chapter), which was refreshing and it gave all of their interpersonal relationships a lovely depth. Also it effectively weaves in muggle things and current topics with the world and characters. And it just managed to be extremely funny and endearing, despite the heavy topics which are discussed in it.

So please excuse my little indulgence here. I'll be back to whatever counts as my regular stuff here... (god, I hope I manage to get back to Stormlight this autumn *winks in Inktober*)

also any fic that gives the due diligence to the best character of the series does something right in my book. Drinks with Min! Indeed!

[qweerhet]

the tired and repetitive discourse over age gaps in romantic/sexual relationships always feels like gamifying spotting abuse whenever i encounter it. "the Abuser is a creature that does This Action and has These Attributes" like we're talking about identifying birds or some shit. the reality is that abuse is a qualitative distinction of harm, mainly consisting of recurring and systematic abuse of power--social, legal, financial--over another person, and it can happen in any situation where a party has enforceable power. it isn't an inherent trait of a person, it's a trait of a relationship, it doesn't occur due to ontological facts about someone's personhood and someone can simultaneously have both abusive and healthy relationships.

"the Abuser is a Man who is 45 Years Old and sleeps with anyone under 30" does this make you feel safe? do you feel secure in your ability to recognize a predator by their feather coloration? do you feel superior to those who don't have your birdwatching book? does it comfort you to go down a checklist of individual traits and assign the ontological label to anyone who racks up enough points?

the reality is that assessing abuse requires assessing the material reality of any given relationship, and there's like... patterns in dynamics that more easily give rise to abuse (i.e. if you have legal authority over someone, it's so difficult for that not to become abusive in the context of an intimate interpersonal relationship), but quite frankly assigning ontological qualities of Abuser to individual people's traits commonly found in those dynamics like they're pokemon types is. counterproductive, i'll say that kindly. it blinds you to the reality of abuse and it blinds you to the reality of people you love and enjoy the company of and have genuinely healthy relationships with being capable of abuse. it blinds you to how your best friend, who's emotionally intelligent and self-aware and kind, who has none of the Abuser Qualities, can be abusive towards someone who's the same age, gender, set of marginalized identities as them, simply because they're letting that person crash on their couch and not being cognizant of how control over housing puts them in a position of power over that person. how they can be kind and trying very hard in that situation, how they can not have a malicious bone in their body, but still are committing abuse because they're not acting with the awareness that they have material power they simply Do Have.

[topazadine]

How to Kick Ass at Worldbuilding

Worldbuilding. You either love it and spend all your time dreaming up rules rather than writing, or you hate it and try your best to avoid it despite writing fantasy or scifi.

Or you are in the middle, which is where you should be. You have a healthy appreciation for what makes worldbuilding so special, but you also don't obsess over it.

Worldbuilding does not need to be complicated to be effective, as I've harped on a few different times now. So how do you strike the right balance? Let's take a look.

As always, this is just my opinion based on my own efforts creating The Eirenic Verses. You can disagree and that is fine. However, I hope you'll consider thinking about what I offer here as you craft your own world.

A lot of what people focus on when worldbuilding is not what the audience cares about.

Very few people like to read a book littered with random terms they have to keep track of. We want to build a unique world, but we also don't want to throw such an extreme amount of lore at our readers that they tune out.

When worldbuilding, we want to consider the cognitive load on our audience. This is how much information the reader needs to remember throughout your story so that they can follow along.

Cognitive load includes things like:

Character names and appearances

Relationships between characters

Place names, such as cities and countries

Unique mythological creature or fauna

Backstory, including mythology and folklore

Language names

The general plot (who is the protag, who is the enemy, etc)

Magic usage (who has the power, how they acquire it, any conditions it comes with, etc)

Power dynamics between characters, countries, and so on

Political systems, if included

Even in the most barebones fantasy story, this is a lot to remember. As such, we need to consider what is most important for our readers to generally understand the plot and emphasize this, letting the rest serve as background information that is not quite as essential. The more emphasis we put on something, the more we direct a reader's attention.

At the same time, we want to create a world that feels lived-in and interesting so that readers want to know more. How do we do this?

Consider what you think about foreign countries in our world.

Most of us will have a general concept of a country but only will think about the specifics if it is currently relevant.

Let's take Japan for an example. (I'm a bit of a weeabo, okay?) Here is what I personally think about when I imagine Japan, in order of what I consider important.

Japanese cuisine (sushi, ramen, ochazuke, sake, lots of rice dishes, seafood)

What the people are like according to my own stereotypes/cultural perceptions (polite, quiet, respectful, hardworking, punctual)

Climate and geography (temperate, island country, volcanos, mountains, beaches)

Unique flora and fauna (cherry blossoms, flowers, Nara deer, giant salamanders, pretty birds)

General landmarks, but not necessarily specifics (castles, temples, busy cities, red bridges, torii gates)

Clothing styles (kimonos, school uniforms, business suits, kawaii fashion)

Cultural icons (samurai swords, samurai armor, Shinto shrines)

General overview of the history (samurai, daimyo, feudal system, bushido, Meiji restoration)

Language, but not necessarily specifics of the language (Japanese, kanji, hiragana)

Religion (Buddhism and Shintoism)

Folklore (ghosts, kami, tsukumogami, evil spirits)

Any festivals I might know of (cherry blossom festivals, moon viewings, Obon)

Your own list may have these in a slightly different order, but it's probably what you most think about.

Notice that you will likely not think about these things:

Political system

Specifics of the language

Interpersonal hierarchies

International relations

Specific landmarks

Specific historical events

Famous figures

So why do we think like this? Because in real life, we also have a cognitive load that we must balance with things that are more relevant to our everyday lives.

If I tried to memorize specific details of every country in the world, I would go insane. I have better things to do, so I create a general image of a country based on pictures I've seen, people I've met, food I've eaten, and so on. You do the same thing.

To be realistic, you do not need to be specific. You need to approach worldbuilding the same way people generate their world knowledge: basic concepts and visual imagery.

What to emphasize in worldbuilding

So let's break this down on what you want to think about when creating a world.

Food is one of the most accessible elements of a culture.

Food is how many people learn about different cultures for a simple reason: if you have the ingredients, you can cook food from anywhere. You don't need to be introduced to it by a native of that culture.

Plus, humans tend to like food. We kind of need it to exist.

Think about these things when considering national cuisines and eating habits of your fantasy world:

Do they have spicy food? Bland food? Heavy hearty dishes?

Is most food served hot or cold?

What kind of spices and vegetables do they use? Root vegetables, beans, cinnamon? Salt?

What type of meat do people eat (if any)? Seafood, poultry, beef, pork?

How is bread prepared? What is it made of? (Look, nearly every culture has some sort of bread, we love carbs)

What about pasta? Does that exist here?

Are desserts important? What are they made of?

What kinds of drinks do they have? Coffee, tea, milk, lemon water?

Is alcohol a thing? What kind of alcohol? How often do people drink? Are there bars?

How often do people eat, and when? Do they have the typical three square meals, or do people eat kinda whenever they feel like it?

Do people prepare food at home or are there restaurants?

Are communal dinners common?

Cultural stereotypes provide tension and can help craft your characters.

Are people in your culture known for their boldness? Their cunning? Their resilience? Their standoffishness? Their fiery tongues, or their passive-aggressive jabs?

You can play with a lot of this, either confirming or denying the assumptions through your characters.

Landscape gives us an idea of where we are and what to expect.

Landscapes are some of my favorite aspects of worldbuilding rather than intricate magic systems and political concepts. Readers get a good sense of environment when you focus in on landscape and how it impacts the characters. You can also build a culture off your landscape, such as how certain geographic features may influence peoples' attitudes and lifestyles.

For example, a coastal landscape will have beautiful views of the ocean, sparkling beaches, and maybe tall cliffs. Being a fisherman may be seen as an honorable but dangerous profession. People might cliff dive for fun.

Mountainous areas may produce cultural enclaves, especially in a fantasy setting where everyone is more isolated. One mountain town may have a completely different vibe than the town over.

Flat, wide-open plains mean people can spread out, but since moving from one place to another is easier, there may be a more cohesive culture.

An area with caves will have a sense of mystery and fear; there may be a lot of superstitions about the caves.

A swampy area can also be very mysterious as there are so many places to hide out and a lot of dangerous animals.

Climate influences how people behave.

Hot climates make people need to conserve energy, so they may take afternoon naps in the worst of the heat. They might value relaxation and calm over industry and productivity because bro, have you ever tried to even walk outside in the Florida heat? Shut up and get me air conditioning.

Cold climates make people need to stay active to stay warm, but they can also produce a sense of isolation. Think about how outdoorsy the Finnish are but how they looove their personal space.

Temperate climates are probably a bit more even-tempered, but as weather changes get more extreme, people will vary their behaviors based on the seasons: spending more time outdoors during summer but holing up during winter. The culture may emphasize hospitality because people need to rely on one another to survive, and they have time to meet their neighbors during the summer.

I am very partial to temperate climates, being from the American Midwest. We're known for being nice and hardy people. You should come visit.

Flora and fauna help the world feel real.

When I worldbuild, I often base my cultures on a real place and what kinds of animals or plants are there. For example, Breme is based on Mongolia so I have herbivores, big raptors, and a lot of grasses.

A warm climate will have lots of reptiles. Sea life will be important in a coastal area. Swamps might have big predators. Mountains will have hardy creatures that can climb. A savannah area will have huge herbivores and fast, hungry predators.

General cityscapes or villages are great for providing a sense of place.

Do people build low spread-out cities or tall rickety homes? What kinds of building materials do they use? Are there lots of markets, bars, apocetharies, temples or churches? What do homes look like here? What are any unique architectural features?

This gives a sense that we are in a different but specific world that has a rich culture.

Clothing tells us what people prioritize.

Cold places will have lots of layers. Hot places will have soft draping outfits or very skimpy outfits. Natural materials that are easily available will make up the majority of the clothing in a fantasy setting. You wouldn't have people wearing cotton in a place that doesn't grow cotton. If there are lots of sheep, people will wear wool. If there's lots of cattle, people will wear leather.

You can also think about adornment. Is jewelry common? What type? Why is it important? Is it a status symbol, a way to keep wealth, or perhaps ways to honor ancestors?

Cultural icons demonstrate what the society values.

A warlike culture will prioritize weaponry. A pacifist culture will think about art and music. A nomadic culture may have a rich oral tradition. An agrarian society will emphasize farming rituals.

Think of a few things that symbolize your society, whether that's musical instruments, weaponry, textiles, statues, or jewelry. Consider how those traditions could have come about and why.

Folklore and mythology offer an offbeat but important sense of history.

Folklore is often tied up with many other factors of a society, such as their religion, landscape, history, and overall values.

For example, the Japanese believe items survive for over a century gain a kami, or spiritual essence. This shows that the Japanese cherish their long history and their material culture, and it also infuses their Shinto belief into folklore.

You can also think about cryptids or ghost stories. Isolated and difficult terrain often makes people think of monsters lurking in the woods. Areas with lots of caves will have myths about what is down there. Coastal areas develop myths about ghost ships.

Idioms, turns of phrase, and gestural quirks tell us more about the culture without overwhelming readers.

This one can be more challenging (I haven't done much with it) but if you can manage it, you'll have a very rewarding story.

I'm not talking about making a whole new language here, but rather about idioms and turns of phrase. Think about all the fun idioms that English has, like "beating around the bush" or "break a leg." Without cultural context, you can't understand them, so you'll have to incorporate an explanation without actually stating it.

For example, you can have a character say "the horses are running fast" as they look out the window to see a sheet of rain. We can guess from this that the idiom is rain = horses, so lots of rain = fast horses. We'll understand from this that this culture probably loves horses; maybe they're a formerly nomadic race.

Gestures, like whether people give thumbs-up, point with their index, or bow with their hands to their chest all give us a feeling of the culture without being overwhelming.

What not to emphasize

Now that we've gone through some things to focus on, let's talk about what you don't need to make up for your world.

A whole-cloth language

Please, you don't need to create brand new words for things that exist in our world. You can reference a language, but do not make people memorize nouns they don't need.

Don't even make up the language at all. Say there's a language and then write the rest of it in English.

Made-up languages are irritating for readers because they want to focus on the characters and plot, not mysterious words they need to translate.

It's possible to make languages interesting without going into specifics. For example, the Bas-Lag trilogy by China Mieville has a species that communicates in clicks but the species can also learn human languages if necessary. There's a language called Salt that's basically the common tongue blended from everything else.

Do we need to know how Salt works? No. Doesn't matter. We're told someone is talking in Salt, or they're learning it, or they switch to it when meeting someone from a different culture. That's plenty.

Specifics of a magic system

You're not going to instantly summon up all the rules of magical realms when you visit a new country; you might not even know them. And your readers won't be too interested in them either.

For example, in The Eirenic Verses, I have High Poetry. Readers will come to know that this was a magical system where certain people given the power can recite a poem and whatever they speak comes true. Every poem can only be used once.

It was given by the goddess Poesy to a specific woman, Saint Luridalr. It was so successful that the goddess started giving it to more women and a whole religious system arose.

I don't need to explain exactly how it works because no one cares. Someone makes things happen by coming up with a poem: that's about it. We don't need to question whether certain rhyme schemes or meter or punctuation impacts anything. That's too technical.

If you've got pages and pages of notes on all the intricacies of the magical system, you have too much. Pare it down.

Political systems

Unless you're writing a fantasy where politics are absolutely critical to the plot, you can just reference the political system in passing and maybe elucidate a few key elements, like who the leader is, how power is transferred, etc. You don't need to go into all the specifics because most people are not going to care.

Hierarchies

Please don't lay out the entirety of an army's ranking system or how someone is promoted. Make up something consistent and stick with it, but don't go into exhaustive detail. People aren't going to sit and question whether a captain is above a lieutenant or how long it takes to become a general.

We'll know that a general is a big deal if the characters make it a big deal. We'll know who the head of the army is but we don't need to know how they got to that position.

Exact city layouts

You do not need to tell us where everything is in relation to one another. Tell us characters are moving from one landmark to another. You could say "this is across a bridge, this is up in the mountains, these buildings are right next to one another, these two buildings are in opposite ends of the city." That's plenty.

If somewhere is very far away, just show them travelling there and how long it takes. You don't need to measure it in miles or leagues or whatever. We will guess that if it takes them a week to walk there, it's pretty distant.

Economic systems

We just need the basics here: mercantile, capitalist, bartering, etc. We don't need to know if the coinage is pegged to a certain precious metal or if people invest their money or how people are paid. That's boring.

In my world, I have two currencies: quillim for Breme and barnals for Sina. What's the exchange rate? I don't know and don't care. How much is one quillim worth? One quillim is not a lot but 2,500 quillim is. How much is the average person paid? Doesn't matter. Do people keep lots of coins on them? No one is asking that. It's not important.

Transit systems

Tells us if the roads are cramped, spread out, nonexistent, poorly maintained. Tell us if there are road blocks or toll booths. Tell us if there are roving bandits. The more physical and sensory you can get, the more real it feels.

Few people care about the specifics of even their own transportation system. I know highways are fast, I know tollroads are expensive, I know parkways are pretty, I know some cities have weird turnabouts and dead ends. That's exactly what I need and what I care about.

That's what I've got for you today. If you liked this, maybe you'll consider checking out The Eirenic Verses series, which follows most of these principles.

I've been told that my fantasy writing is very approachable, even for those who don't usually like fantasy, specifically because I don't get too insane with my worldbuilding. So maybe you'll enjoy it too!

[blessphemy]

I love Thiago so much he’s so fun. Problem Human Of The Week, but unlike your usual Problem Human, Murderbot wants to like him and it wants him to like it. and therein is the tension. otherwise it could just write him off as just another irritating disappointing client who causes issues and doesn’t listen and thinks negatively of SecUnits.

he’s part of the Network Effect™️ of human relationships! Ok! he’s an example of of Murderbot’s more mundane challenges re: social/society integration, the very typical challenges involved with like. professionalism. family dynamics. etc. and the issues between Thiago and Murderbot are very much these more mundane issues, like “I don’t trust your security calls because I don’t trust the culture that gave rise to you and put guns in your arms and I don’t like how anxious Mensah is and I think you’re contributing to her anxiety.” as opposed to “yikes SecUnits scary.” which tbh I don’t get the sense is really on Thiago’s radar. he’s like so sheltered that SecUnits aren’t part of his experiences really.

and yeah he fucks up at the start of the book but he learns also? he listens to Murderbot when they talk it out later and reconsiders his opinions when new information comes up about the danger Mensah was in? and by the end of the book he’s fully advocating to protect Murderbot from people crowding it and pushing Feelings Talk on it while it is fucked up (rescued after squashed by ag-bot and strung up in alien pit etc). I mean he’s overridden by Ratthi who is a level 10 Murderbot Friend who understands that this Feelings Moment (letting MB know just how much ART and everyone care about it and went to rescue it specifically because he knows Murderbot has Emotional Issues and could benefit from a reminder that everyone really cares about it). But like Thiago had the spirit. He was just level 1 or 2 at this stage.

that’s character and relationship Growth! Thiago is not #1 man (Ratthi is #1 man) but he’s an important part of the team and he’s got his own hangups and idiosyncrasies and willing to learn and grow.

me seeing fictional characters navigate interpersonal drama like adults: now this is the real escapist fantasy. oh also sick killware clone baby.

[max1461]

I guess I just feel like nobody appreciates physical things enough. Like, there's your concept people, right, your concept lovers who think about everything as a concept. Like what if everything was Geist from Hegel, or what if everything Bayes Theorem from math book, and so on. Your concept lover. And then you've got your drama lovers where everything is drama. Like everything is, you know, individuals, characters. There's this guy and that guy and what do they think, how do they feel about each other? And this guy said to that guy blah blah and then he said to the other guy blah blah blah and was that fair? Was it right? Or should he have told the first guy first that's drama, that's monkey business, you know, chimps, they love that shit, good thing we don't usually tear each others limbs off like the chimps do.

Well so I think concepts are important, and I think interpersonal relationships are important. I mean I'm a human, I'm a chimp with a math brain, I'm a zoon politikon. I think about concepts and relationships all the time. Two of the most important types of thing to me for sure!

But I do feel like the culture at large has insufficient appreciation for objects. You know, things, specific things, that you can hold, feel, do this and that with. Objects. It's like crass or something to be into objects as such. But objects are great! I spend so much of my life dealing with objects, you know, and I like it. I'm happier when I'm dealing with a good object and less happy when I'm dealing with a bad one. I like natural objects and man-made objects, all kinds of objects, and I think objects are important. Too many have forgotten the joys and virtues of objects. You know, internet lives are not lacking in concepts nor in drama, but they are lacking in objects. I think this is what touch grass is about. I think it's desirable to spend time physically interacting with the world, you know, everyone should spend more time doing objects.

[iridessence]

I would like to take a moment to acknowledge myself and say that I am elated and proud to have manifested some of my major goals since 2018-2019. Basically before then, 2014-16 I struggled with depression and suicidal ideation quite frequently due to not having steady income, as jobs in retail seemed the only available and “safe” options, but long shifts standing at a registers or posts were damagingly hard on my body. In 2017 I got a desk job that set me on the path of financial stability and reduced physical load, which did absolute wonders for my mental health but it was an absolute blight to my existence over time due to terrible management and the usual corporate garbage. I knew that staying there was fine for a time but not sustainable in the long run, so change must come eventually.

also around then, I continued to explore self portraiture and personal style but I really wanted to perform/create Burlesque acts and book them, and invest in and actually have choreography/technique and beautiful costume pieces that looked like the visions refining themselves in my head through research. I was also perpetually struggling in the dating sphere with the deficit of romantic fulfillment that I deeply wanted. and while they weren’t hostile, things were definitely weird with my family (dysfunctional, literal small town energy, upset that I didn’t want to be around them more in the suburbs but lots of interpersonal toxicity and lack of emotional growth).

I knew that in the coming years I wanted to…

quit my soul sucking job and set out to be a full-time or at least professional level burlesque performer, creating the qualitative and classic show girl acts I dream to see on stage

work on the floor at a boutique or mom-and-pop type shop that sells goods or services that are interesting to me, especially aesthetically, such as an antique shop or a jewelry boutique etc., but a place where I could sit intermittently as needed for my physical disability. Also, ideally it would be a position where I could express myself through style at my choosing and it would be received well, and also my hours would not be very early or very late.

find a loving and supporting partner who I could lavish equal amounts of love and support on to, live with and hopefully marry

Achieve/maintain financial stability enough that I have a reduced risk for homelessness and sometimes treat myself to things that I enjoy.

Figure out why the relationship with my family was such a struggle and do things within my power and desire to fix it.

In a world that isn’t a corporate machine devoid of empathy, none of that seems like a tall order to ask… but I live in America so… It took some time, but I’m starting to see the fruits and returns. Honestly sometimes things feel like a blur and I’m not exactly sure I could say there was a huge system to what I did overtime to make it work, but I know the work was there.

As of today, September 9, 2023:

I am a respected professional burlesque performer with costumes I figuratively gag over and acts that come closer and closer to hitting the aesthetic nail on the head for what I want to embody. (I quit that shitty desk job at the beginning of 2019 and haven’t looked back since. Sent a whole ass company wide message with a long and detailed “fuck you” too.😂🙈)

i’ve managed through burlesque, social media work, donations and savings, and —since the global pandemic—,odd jobs and grants/minimal loans, to continuously pay rent and ward off homelessness 

I live with the love of my life, to whom I am engaged and actively planning our wedding (we looked at a venue yesterday!)

I’ve helped my mom on the growth of her emotional intelligence and commitment to learning more about values under the race, gender, and sexuality umbrella, as well pushed her to examine the enabling and entitlement dynamics with her adult children that take advantage of her. While my relationship with my brother and sister is not great, my relationship with my mom has been steadily getting better since the pandemic. we had a breakthrough at the beginning of this year where she acknowledged and apologized for guilt tripping me for not being around the family more, when I was (she quoted) “actually protecting myself like she should have been.”

and litcherally within the past week I was offered the job at a local boutique I interviewed with a year ago and didn’t get, and I signed an offer letter to begin work within the month. 

To say I’m happy with the way things look right now is an understatement. The world still terrifies me, but I have no choice but to carve out a sliver of its beautiful experiences for myself, and I am doing just that. It may not be perfection, but it’s pretty damn good and I’m going to do everything in my power to keep it that way and make it even better. I am living my ancestors' wildest dreams!!

for anyone reading who might be struggling right now to make things work, I hope you hold on to hope that it can get better. A beautiful life is possible even on this hell scape, even for the marginalized.

[sugarushwriting]

“don’t blame me, love made me crazy.”

“looks like an angel while sleeping.”

just a little jay drabble/oneshot. different than my usual writing.

not proof read.

trigger warnings:

obsession: the state of being obsessed with someone or something.

stalking: stalkers use a variety of tactics, including (but not limited to): unwanted contact including phone calls, texts, and contact via social media, unwanted gifts, showing up/approaching an individual or their family/friends, monitoring, surveillance, property damage, and threats.

voyeurism: voyeuristic behavior is when someone derives sexual gratification from secretly watching others undress or engage in sexual activities. voyeurs are also known as "peeping toms"

₍ᐢ. .ᐢ₎ ₊˚⊹♡

every where you were, jay was there too.

a coffee shop, main library on campus. any cafeteria or food center on campus. anywhere and almost everywhere.

it didn’t matter how many different options were available, you both always ended up at the same place at the same time.

yet you both only had 3 classes together on campus.

philosophy intro to logic, abnormal psychology and interpersonal communications.

“will you be okay?” you friend asked with extreme concern.

“yes, i will be okay, ryunjin.” you reassured.

she was worried because for your abnormal psychology class you were partnered with jay for project.

“maybe yall should study him, because he’s definitely abnormal.” ryunjin whispered.

you playfully swatted her arm. “jay told me to meet him on the fourth floor.”

“why the top floor? so no one can hear you scream?”

“it’s the quiet floor and that’s where he reserved a study room for us.” you said. “please stop being like that!” you huffed.

ryunjin rolled her eyes but went to the second floor where her other friends were as you rode up the elevator to the fourth floor.

you were the one to actually suggest the fourth floor and jay reserved a room for you both based on that suggestion.

getting off the elevator, you found the study room off to the corner with ease, seeing jay set out needed materials on the table.

when he saw you enter he smiled. “oh hey!”

you smiled and waved. “hey jay. ready to get this project knocked out?”

he laughed, “absolutely, but it should be fun. abnormal psychology is one of my favorite subjects.”

“mine too.” you smiled.

︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶

almost an hour later, you both decided on the topic of how personality disorders impact intrapersonal relationships.

you had actually suggested the topic on obsessive sexual fascinations like fetishism, voyeruism, and exhibitionsim, however, jay wasn’t too sure that would even get approved by the professor.

“why not?” you had asked. “is it not a part of abnormal psychology and human behavior?”

“it is but—,”

“you’re not comfortable, it’s okay.” you teased.

ryunjin would probably say it’s because it would mean studying his pattern of behaviors and people don’t like when they get caught.

during the next hour you both jotted down some ideas and found a few psychology papers and articles you all could use.

“we would also need to make sure we find examples.” jay said. “like in movies, shows, plays, things like that.”

“sounds like an easy task! we could use the movies like scream, when a stranger calls, or even—,”

jay chuckled. “and how do these movies relate to our topic?”

“are you kidding,” you laughed with a chuckle, “those people were cray cray. they had to have some kind of personality disorder. sure i can find out with some research.”

“when’s the next time you’re available to work on the project?” jay asked as you both started packing your belongings.

“i am pretty open. i don’t do much but hang around friends or stick to myself.” you shrugged. “how about tomorrow?”

“that’s fine. but i think we’ll have to find a new spot, if i remember correctly the library study rooms are booked up.”

“that’s okay, since we need somewhere private, maybe mine or your apartments?” you suggested, putting your bag over your shoulder.

jay nodded. “either is fine.” he smiled.

“we can do my place! i have plenty of snacks.”

︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶

“are you insane?” ryunjin scolded you. “that guy is is messed up in the head, you know he’s stalking you, yet you invite him to your place? what are you, crazy yourself?”

it was the next day, and you were telling ryunjin your plans with jay to work on the project at your place while you both stopped by a coffee shop earlier in the morning.

“he asked for my address.” you stated.

“of course he did! he can’t get caught.” ryunjin narrowed her eyes at you. you rolled yours, and walked out the coffee shop, her right behind you.

“you know i am just looking out for you, right?” ryunjin sighed. “i mean, you’ve told me how you been finding flowers at your doorstep, and jay would randomly pop up where you are, almost everywhere, you were.”

“i could be overreacting.”

ryunjin scoffed. “oh now you say you’re overreacting? babe, a stalker is a stalker.”

“i actually never said he was a stalker.” you defending, back tracking.

“you legit told me, ‘ryunjin, jay from my class is stalking me!’”

“i don’t recall.” you shrugged it off.

you did recall.

you remember telling ryunjin how flowers were showing up at your door step, the same flowers from a flower shop jay worked at over the summer.

you remember telling ryunjin how anytime you were at the mall, you saw jay there and he would be staring at you wide-eyed, then quickly walk away.

same at any coffee shop, cafeterias on campus and so forth.

you remember telling ryunjin how you always felt someone was watching you as you undressed.

later that evening you prepared a variety of snacks for jay, and spread out all materials that would be needed for the project.

he had texted you and stated he would be at your place by 7:00 pm.

it was 7:05 pm and you got worried, negative thoughts clouding your mind. was he hurt? did he forget? did he stand you up?

at 7:10 pm a knock came to your door, and you giddily got up from your spot on the floor in front of the coffee table and took big strides to open the door.

you opened seeing jay with a smile. “sorry i’m a bit late. uh, something popped up.”

“oh no, is everything okay?” you asked with concern.

jay seemed frazzled and out of sorts than how he usually presents himself or how you see him.

jay shook his head, “i’m good. just probably all in my head.”

“great, let’s get to work!”

you invited jay in your apartment, showing him were you set up the coffee table for working on the project.

“wow you really do have a lot of snacks!” he chuckled. he picked up a few, “and many are my favorite?” this came out more as a question and surprise, his eyebrows raising cutely.

“really? they’re my favorite too!” you giggled. “should we get started? i have a few personality disorders we can explore.”

“sure! what are some you have in mind?”

“well i was researching,” you began, and took a seat on the floor and jay did the same. “some personality disorders that can affect relationships and communication include antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorders, histrionic personality disorders and narcissistic personality disorders.” you listed with a smile. “but those are just cluster b that i think have the highest affects.”

“you seem to know a lot about personality disorders?” jay chuckled.

“i should, it’s an interest of mine. like i mentioned, abnormal psychology is one of my favorite subjects. i would love to work with populations most wouldn’t.”

“like who?” jay asked as you piped his interest.

“serial killers, stalkers, criminals, people like them.”

jay nearly choked on his own spit. “why is that?”

you smirked and your hand landed on his shoulder. he looked at your hand nervously, “i just think most are misunderstood.” you smiled widely. “i also just believe the way they think is so interesting and unbelievable.”

jay watched you talk about your passion with not only interest but something more. maybe he was looking at you strangely? looking at you with concern?

“well, this project should be breeze then.” he laughed nervously. he was more than ready to leave.

as you all continued to work on the project at a good pace, you and jay couldn’t help but still glances at one another.

two and half hours later, jay stood with a stretch, “it’s getting late, i should go.” he stated. “thank you for the snacks.”

he started packing up his things, as you began cleaning up a little. once his backpack strap was over his shoulder, he looked into your kitchen seeing a vase of flowers, a tag that clearly showed it was from the flower shop he worked at over the summer.

jay got nervous and fearful. he quickly adverted his gaze before you caught him looking. but unknown to him, you saw him out of the corner of your eye looking at the flowers, but you decided to keep quiet about it.

“so, i’ll see you tomorrow?” you asked hopeful.

jay’s voice shook with nerves, “um, i’ll text you. i forgot i have something planned with my friends tomorrow.” he smiled politely, but quickly bid goodbye and left your apartment.

︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶

jay laid in bed after showering wide awake for a while. his nerves had gotten the better of him.

you had showered and put on some comfy clothes to enjoy your favorite show after jay left.

jay soon fell asleep, and one thing about jay was he was a heavy sleeper. almost nothing could wake him up so easily. his friends would tease him about it, but it was just who he was.

you weren’t a heavy sleeper on the other hand. which is why to every small noise you would awake, or had almost a third sense of being over cautionary fearful someone was always watching.

the flowers in the trash looked at you almost mockingly, and you closed your fist so tight, your nails were sure to dig into your knuckles.

such an angel while sleeping. so peaceful.

yes jay was. you smiled lovingly looking down at him as you watched him from his doorway as he slept soundly. you stepped quietly closer to him to get as close as possible, when you took out your polaroid camera.

after watching your favorite show which starred jay, him getting undressed and redressed, you were hot and bothered and couldn’t wait until you could finally make your move.

but it would take time. he wouldn’t understand you, or your habits, or how your brain worked.

you could see he was judging you earlier about the way you spoke about your passion.

but he would come around. he had to.

you knew he got stumbled by the flowers in your apartment. if he questioned, you would’ve just waved it off as a coincidence you got it for yourself, or maybe tell him you had a secret admirer to see if he would get jealous.

would he? you had a feeling he would be the jealous and possessive type of what belongs to him.

you sure were. possessive, jealous, of any girl that he talked to. he didn’t know better, but those women should! you thought, they couldn’t compare to you anyway.

when it came to your tactics, you had to be careful. you didn’t want to scare him off too soon. so this project was a great way to wiggle yourself into his bubble.

you fantasized so much about your future with jay. it blurred the line between fact and fictitious, and you were so deep into the obsession, you didn’t understand or even see the line anymore.

you didn’t want to blackmail him—not yet. the flowers were enough for now.

your love for jay made you crazy.

no one could blame you. that’s just how love was, right?

“don’t blame me.” you whispered to jay as you ran your fingers lightly through his hair with a smile.

₍ᐢ. .ᐢ₎ ₊˚⊹♡

[viperzerofsx]

why both Evangelion endings are the same and the Psychology behind them

A common long standing sentiment is that the last two episodes of Neon Genesis Evangelion and the film End of Evangelion are at odds with one another. The idea goes that the ending of the TV show is an ending where Shinji accepts instrumentality and End of Evangelion he rejects it. By going over the psychological framework in the show I would like to show that Shinji definitely rejects instrumentality in both endings.

Though well know for its references to psychology, the first half of Evangelion mostly does not contain them save episode 4 Hedgehog's dilemma (which apparently was made out of production order). This part of the series builds characters and world building. The show has a fascinating ability to flesh itself out scene after scene without truly elaborating on anything. 

The first half of the show is quite compelling but it’s not exactly what the show would become. The November 1996 Newtype interview has lots of interesting insight. Namely director Anno claims he was not familiar with psychology before reading a book on a production break (interesting as a previous work of his GunBusters has a character named Freud Jung). 

“Ueno: "They say it's about psychoanalysis and personality seminars and stuff, but I've always had a strong interest in psychology in general, "

Anno: "Not at all."

Ueno: "Did you feel like you were heading in that direction while working on Eva?"

Anno: "Yes. It was natural.

I had never read any psychoanalysis books before. I only touched on it a little in my general education classes at university. It was the most interesting of them all."

Ueno: "So, somehow, a keyword or something like an interest stuck in my mind."

Anno: "Yes. I guess I wasn't that interested in humans. But when I started talking about myself, I wanted words to convey my story.

So, the words I thought were the easiest to use were psychological terms commonly used in society. And I started looking through books.

Until then, I never thought I'd be interested in psychology."” Newtype November 1996

He continues 

“Anno: "Episode 16 was the first time. I plunged directly into my own inner world. I'd tried expressing words through line drawings before.”

Episode 16 (apparently the first episode of the second half to enter production) is called Splitting of the Breast, this is a term from Psychoanalysis Melanie Klein’s theories. Klein founded a school called object relations theory, whereas classic Freudian theory is of biological drives, object relations is a theory where people develop via interactions with others and a drive for relation with others. Internal objects are our mental representations of others, parts of others, and sometimes things (and external object would be the actual thing). We form internal representations of others based on our repeated interactions with them. Further we develop a mental representation of ourselves in relation to these objects which influence our interpersonal relationships through our our lives.

These mental representations or internal objects are called UnconsciousPhantasy. The Ph to distinguish from fantasy, ordinary everyday daydreaming and imagination, fantasy is an consciousness process while phantasy is unconscious and underlies all mental activities. Our unconscious phantasy is our relationship with the objects formed by experience to develop the emotional and intellectual character of a person, their thoughts, dreams, and defense mechanisms.

For the most part mental representations take these forms

The object as perceived by the individual 

Self perception related to the object

Individuals relationship with the object

Or

Mom is a good object because she takes care of me

Because she takes care I must be good, have value

I love my mom

Alternatively 

Mom is a bad object she ignores me when I need her

Because she ignores me I must be bad and worthless 

I hate my mom

The infants mind however is limited due to the nature of infant cognition. When the child is born it is undifferentiated from the world around it. The first other person is the child’s mother. As the child is totally dependent on the mother for survival, the mothers breasts (or a bottle) provide life giving subsistence to the helpless child. The child internalizes the breast as a “good” internal object. However when the child’s needs are not met, when it’s hungry or scared and no one is around to feed or comfort or otherwise care for it, it internalizes a “bad” breast. Infants “split” objects because they are not yet able to understand ambiguity. The good aspects of an object and bad aspects of an object are seen as separate objects.

A good object is soothing and takes care of a child. In Psychoanalytic terms good objects are associated with the Life force, Libido, Eros the will to live. A child feels omnipotents with the good object (I cry the good object takes care of me).

A bad object is an anxiety producing object, an object that does not meet a vulnerable baby's needs. a child feels persecuted by the bad object it feels a loss of omnipotents by the object  not being around when needed making the child feel powerless. Bad objects are associated with Dustrudo, Thanatos, the Death drive, a desire to return to an inorganic state before the stresses of life. A child can’t handle these feelings and projects aggression at the bad object to reassert control.

This state of coping with the world is called the paranoid schizoid position, where good objects are “protected” by being split into bad objects. If a caregiver is adequate the child will move to what’s called the Depressive position. In that stage a child realizes the good and bad objects were the same the whole time. The child feels regret for its treatment of the bad object (which along with the good object is now a whole object) and fears losing its loved ones. 

Returning to Evangelion Episode 16 

Early in the episode during a routine test Shinji’s sync ratio surpasses Auska’s for the first time. Misato praises Shinji in an effort to improve his morale, angering Auska. Though never competitive Shinji has made it clear he pilots the Evangelion for his fathers praise and he takes the news well. During a train ride Shinji is a bit overly excited and some young children laugh at him causing distress.

Later the angel Leliel attacks, with his new found confidence Shinji charges in against orders and he and Eva unit 01 are absorbed by the Angel. Later Shinji awakes on what seems to be a train and senses a presence 

Shinji : Who? 

        Who?

Shinji ' : IKARI Shinji.

Shinji : It's me.

Shinji ' : I am you.

          One has another self inside within oneself.

          The Self is always consisted of two selves.

Shinji : Two ?

Shinji ' : The self who's actually watched by others and 

         the self who wathces itself.

         IKARI Shinji in your mind.

         IKARI Shinji in KATSURAGI Misato's mind.

         IKARI Shinji in Souryuu Asuka's mind.

         IKARI Shinji in AYANAMI Rei's mind.

         IKARI Shinji in IKARI Gendou's mind.

        Any IKARI Shinji is differnt from each other,

        but each of them is true IKARI Shinji.

        You're afraid of IKARI Shinji in other's mind.

Leliel takes the form of a young Shinji, from around the time he was abandoned by his father. He tells Shinji that he has an internal Object of himself and others have an Internal Object of him. Shinji is afraid of what the others think of him because he certainly doesn’t think highly of himself.

Shinji : I'm afraid of being hated.

Shinji : You hate to be hurt.

        Who's bad ?

        Father is bad.

        Father who deserted me.

Shinji : I am bad.

-

(flashback)

Asuka : This way you always think yourself bad!

        That is "self-punishing."

-

(flashback)

Shinji : Heck, it's me who can do nothin'.

Misato :It's you that think you can do nothing?

-

(flashback)

Rei : Don't you trust your father ?

-

(flashback)

Shinji : (thought) I think I hate father. But I'm not sure.

-

(flashback)

Gendou : Well done, Shinji.

-

Shinji : Father called me by my name.

        I was praised by that my father.

Leliel tries to tell Shinji that Gendo is no good but Shinji is reluctant and points the negativity at himself. Shinji originally disliked Gendo but since he praised him Gendo is a “Good Object” who brings Shinji validation and comfort.

Shinji ' : You'll live with chewing the cub of the pleasure.

Shinji : If I trust this word, heck, I can live on from now on.

Shinji ' : ... by deceiving yourself ?

Leliel points out this is no way for anyone other then an infant to live. Holding up with your “good objects” while ignoring the bad is immaturity.

live.

Shinji ' : Unless you continue to think you may not change yourself,

         you can't live on.

Shinji : There're too many pains in this world for me to live.

Shinji ' : For example, you cannot swim ? 

Shinji : Human aren’t made to float.

Shinji : It's self-decetion.

Shinji : I don't care whatever you refer to it.

Shinji : You have been closing your eyes and turning your ears deaf 

        against anything you did not want to know.

-

(flashback from the episode 3)

Kensuke : Sorry, but his younger sister was ...

-

(flashback from the episode 4)

Misato : This is not your business to care others!

-

(flashback from the episode 1 )

Gendou : Get Out!

-

Shinji : No, I don't want to hear that!

Shinji' : Hey, you run away again.

        No one  can live on with linking things one enjoys like 

        the rosary.

        Particularly, I cannot.

Shinji : I found one thing I enjoy.

        Am I wrong if I do the thing enjoyable?

--

To summarize, Shinji hates himself because of his neglectful upbringing. For the first time in his life he’s gotten some measure of praise and he’s determined to hold on to it even at the expense of ignoring the still harsh realities of his life. This however is not resolved in this episode. Evangelion 01 goes berserk at the last minute saving Shinji and killing Leliel.

The last two episodes take place during the human instrumentality project, the goal of Seele and Shinji’s father Gendo. Gendo describes instrumentality 

Gendou:         No,

                It's not that everything returns to nothingness.

                It's nothing but returning everything to the begining.

                Nothing but returning things to the mother which

                has long since been lost.

                All the minds become one mind, obtaining peace forever.

                Nothing but that.

If mother is the first other this is before that, before polarizing good and more importantly bad objects that cause pain. Frued called the pre object faze “The Oceanic Feeling” a feeling of oneness with everything, inspired by Hindu mystics of his time. 

Shinji:         What feeling is this?

                That is what I feel like I experienced before.

                My body seems like dispearing.

                Agreeable.

                I feel like spreading, and becoming large,

                to here, there and everywhere.

Evangelion references Kabbalah but any nonduelistic mysticism would give the same point. If our bad feelings about ourselves comes from our relationship with others who we need to feel good, instrumentality seeks to merge all souls into one to avoid those negative aspects.

Shinji lost his mother at a young age and his father was neglectful and abandoned him. He has feelings of worthlessness because of this. Piloting an Eva was the first time in his life he was needed and praised, the first time he had a sense of value. He doesn’t however like doing it and is aware one day he will not be needed as an Eva pilot. The Angels will be defeated and then what need will anyone have of him? He runs away from this.

-

                        You pilot Eva for the sake of others?

-

Shinji:         Yes!

                That is a good thing.

                That is a very good thing.

                Everyone prases me, then.

Asuka:          That's a lie.

Shinji:         What?

Asuka:          You idiot?

                After all, it's for the sake of oneself.

Shinji:         Eh?

Asuka:          And you excuse yourself as usual.

Shinji:         Do I?

Asuka:          To think that you are doing your best for the sake of others

                is itself an easy way to live.

Shinji:         Is that so?

-

Asuka:          In other words, you are lonely, Shinji.

-

Shinji:         Is that so?

Asuka:          That's nothing but a dependent or symbiotic relationship.

Shinji:         That might be.

Asuka:          All you wish is that people depend on you.

Shinji:         That might be.

Asuka:          All you do is to wait for someone's giving you a happiness.

                A false happiness.

Rei:            That's the very thing you do.

Asuka:          WOW.

—

Later

Shinji:         I was praised by people!

                But, not happy.

Rei:            Which is your true mind?

Shinji:         I don't know, or, both of them are my true minds.

Misato:         So piloting Eva.

Shinji:         I have nothing but Eva.

Rei:            Otherwise you cannot keep yourself?

Misato:         It's true that Eva Unit One is part of your mind.

Ritsuko:        If you depend on Eva too much,

                Eva itself will be yourself.

Ryouji:         Eva will be all of yourself.

Misato:         The true yourself will be nowhere.

Shinji:         It's OK. I've had nothing from the begining.

                I've been learning cello, but results nothing.

Asuka:          I did not try to do from your side.

Shinji:         But, now that I can pilot Eva.

Asuka:          And, when you lost Eva, you can do nothing, like me.

                        Why pilotting Eva?

Shinji:         Because it's all of me.

Auska’s mother killed herself when she was young. Similar to Shinji Auska pilots the Eva for others not to abandon her, while at the same time wanting to be completely independent and unhurtable. She tries to validate this adultness by making romantic moves toward an adult man Kaji and to an extent Shinji who is also a prodigy Eva pilot (a cornerstone of her identity) but also seemingly meek and passive, giving an extreme love hate relationship between them.

Rei is the soul of Lilith in a cloned body of Yui, she has no past or upbringing and has very little self concept, only kept going by pacing moments of kindness from Gendo and later Shinji. She seeks death, a return to a simpler state but waivers in the attachments she’s made with others. Rei has begun to understand she has developed a self image from her time with others

Rei:            I am I.

                I've become me in the instrumentality of the links

                between me and others.

Rei:            I've been formed by the intercouse with others.

Rei:            The intercouse with people and the flow of time change

                the shape of my mind.

-

                        Those are bonds?

-

Rei:            Yes. Those've formed me so far, the thing called Ayanami Rei.

                And, those will form me from now on.

-

                        Those are bonds?

-

She no longer just wants to die but wonders if her new humanity is compatible with her true nature.

Misato seemed to have a normal relationship with her mother but had a very strained one with her father who later died saving her. Misato as a result has a much more stable personality save her odd relationships with men. She falls in love with Kaji a man she notes is very similar to her father, she breaks up with him because of this but then years later they meet again and get back together in short time. Before he comes back and again after his death Misato is also flirty and inappropriate with Shinji who is only 14 while she is 29.

Misato:         You tried to find a peace on Kaji-kun's face.

Misato:         NO!

Misato:         You tried to find a peace in Kaji-kun's kindness.

Misato:         NO!

Misato:         You tried to find your father in Kaji-kun's arms.

Misato:         NO!

-

Misato:         YES.

                I found the father within Kaji-kun back then.

                So fleed from him.

                I feared.

                He was just like my father.

                But, it was because I was happy,

                It was a joy.

                It was truly a enjoyable joy!

                So did I hate.

                So did I separate.

Ryouji:         No reason to begin a love, but a reason to end the love.

Misato:         You are kind enough,

                You are kind enough to, I hope, make me dirty.

Ryouji:         Don't hurt yourself only because you hate yourself now.

                That's only to cheat yourself by momentally punishing yourself.

                Don't do that.

Misato:         And "you must take care of yourself" say you?

-

Misato:         Guys always do so.

                And Guys work, and Guys go into their world,

                leaving me behind.

Misato:         Just like my father.

Misato:         Always trying to escape from the hardships in the reality.

                Hardship in the reality?

                It's me?

                It's me.

                Yes. It's me.

                It's inevitable.

-

Shinji:         Stop, Misato-san.

-

Misato:         I'm desparate of myself.

                I hate myself!

-

Misato:         Impure.

                Dirty!

-

Ritsuko:        Badlooking.

-

Misato:         Mean! Dirty!

                Is that the adults' intercourse? I really hate that!

-

Makoto:         Congratulations for you promotion. Major Katsuragi.

-

Misato:         The me appreciated is the me who is trying

                to play to be appreciated.

                It's not the true me.

Misato:         The true me is always crying.

We see Kaji brought out the “Good object” of Misato’s father (the one that saved her in the second impact) and this is what attracted her to him. However, being aware of the similarities brought out the “bad object” the father that neglected her during her childhood and made her mother cry.

As instrumentality continues and the internal objects converse (this is the me in your mind and the you in my mind). Shinji is taken through the early parts of the object relations individualization process. He’s taken too a pre object world, before any others.

Shinji:         What? The world with nothing. The world with nobody.

Shinji:         The world of freedom.

Shinji:         Freedom?

Shinji:         The world of freedom that would never be restrained by anybody.

Shinji:         Is this Freedom?

Shinji:         Yes. The world of freedom.

Rei:            As the result, there's nothing.

Shinji:         unless I think.

Misato:         Yes, unless you think.

Shinji:         What's the hell! I don't know what I should do.

Rei:            You are uneasy.

Asuka:          You don't have your own image.

Shinji:         Too vague.

Misato:         Everything is vague.

                        That's freedom.

This is the world of an infant at birth, simple experience. Then they introduce an other

Gendou:         I give you an unfreedom.

Asuka:          Now that you have top and bottom.

Rei:            Now that you lost one degree of freedom.

Misato:         Now that you have to stand on the bottom.

Ryouji:         But you obtain a confort.

Makoto:         You get slightly easier in your mind.

Shigeru:        And you walk.

Maya:           That is your will.

Shinji:         Is this my will?

Ritsuko:        The world with the bottom is the world surrounding you.

Touji:          Yet, you can move freely.

Kensuke:        If you wish, you can change the position of the world.

Hikari:         The position of the world does not keep the same position.

Ryouji:         That changes through the time flow.

You can also change.

Gendou:         The things that forms you are your own mind and

                the world surrounding yourself.

Ritsuko:        Since this is your own world.

Misato:         The real figure that you conceive.

                        That is the reality.

The ground allows Shinji to see himself in relation to it. He also learns his perspective, his Phantasy can be changed. But Shinji realizes something is wrong.

This is the world with nothing, the space with nothing,

                the world with nothing.

                The world with nothing but me.

                I am getting  less understand myself.

                I feel as if I am going to disappear.

                My existence is fading away.

                        Why?

Misato:         Because there's nobody but you.

Shinji:         Nobody but me?

Misato:         Because you have no existence but of yourself,

                You can't figure out your own shape.

Shinji:         My shape?

                        My image.

Misato:         Yes. You are getting to know your own shape through

                seeing others' shape.

Asuka:          Seeing others' wall, you imagin yourself.

Rei:            You cannot see yourself unless there are others.

Shinji:         Because there are others, I can exist.

                If alone, I am always alone at anywhere.

                The world is entirely by my ..

Misato:         By cognizing the difference between you and others,

                you form the image of yourself.

Rei:            The very first other person is your mother.

Asuka:          Your mother is a different person from you.

Shinji realizes it’s the social relation with others, how they treat him forms his self image, his expectations for how he’ll be treated. Rei and Auska like Klein point out Mother is the first other person, the one who starts individualization.

Shinji then sees a world where he has a more well adjusted Phantasy and lives a normal life. He realizes his limited view of himself and others can be changed. 

——

Shinji:         The real world might not always be bad.

                Yet, I hate myself. 

Makoto:         It's your mind that conceives that the reality is bad

                and hateful.

—- 

He comes to realize it’s possible for him to love himself 

Shinji:         I hate myself.

                But, I might be able to love myself.

                I might be allowed to stay here.

                Yes. I am nothing but I.

                I am I. I wish to be I.

                I wish to stay here as do I.

                I can stay here as do I!

What is important though Shinji experience pure instrumentality where others did not exist and he had no existence. He found this unacceptable and decided a better course of action was to find a healthier view of him. Loving himself as an individual or others is an inherent rejection of instrumentality which the self image cannot exist.

——

Now End of Evangelion

The movie begins, Shinji has lost almost everyone and is alone. He goes to Auska in the hospital, he sees her not because he’s worried but because he has no one else. In a comma Auska can’t respond. Shinji lashes out and does something terrible.

Though the TV ending is quite upbeat, Klein's psychology is quite dark and violent. As mentioned above the death drive plays a major role in Klein, infants who don’t have their needs met by their environment and caretakers feel anxiety and project the death drive, lash out in aggression. In Evangelion when an Eva loses control or Ritsko destroys the dummy Rei, or during the third impact the computer monitors will often read high levels of destrudo. 

—

Psychograph signal down! 

Destrado has begun to manifest! 

The pilot's ego won't be able

to take much more of this. 

No more. 

I can't take it anymore.

—

Rei who speaks of wishing to return to nothing is the living personification of the death drive, while kaworu (music is the highest achievement of Lillian culture) is Libeto or the life force.

Third impact begins with Shinji at his absolute lowest point in the series, having done something horrible to Auska and then watch her get killed. The image of Kaworu however provides him some brief comfort and he enters his internal world. He sees himself as a child with two doll looking girls that look like Rei and Auska, they build a sand castle of Nerv HQ together. Their mother (who is Misato) collects them and Shinji is left alone with no one. Alone, neglected, and his needs not met, Shinji destroys the Castle, lashing out violently, a taste of what’s to come. Shinji then seems flashes and images of Misato, Auska, and Rei. Importantly he sees sides of them unfamiliar, and more importantly not pleasure granting to him

—-

Does Misato really

do things like that?

Yes, this is also me.

The me that exists

when two hearts are joined as one.

The me that

Shinji has never known.

Reality can be painful,

but it's something that

you must learn to accept.

His internal objects of the women reject and accuse him

If I can't have you all to myself,

then I don't want anything from you. 

Then, try being nice to me. 

We are nice to you. 

Liars! 

You're just hiding

behind those smiles, 

intentionally keeping

things ambiguous! 

Because the truth causes

everyone pain... 

because the truth is very,

very traumatic. 

But ambiguity only

causes me more pain. 

That's just an excuse. 

But it scares me, 

because I don't know if everyone

will stop wanting me again. 

I feel awkward and uneasy.

Let me hear your voice! 

Don't leave me! 

Please care about me!

—

 In this sequence Shinji basically admits everything. He wants them for comfort, but he can’t handle ambiguity. The world is only black and white, good pleasure granting objects or total abandonment, no room for real people and their nuance. Shinji goes to an image of Auska on the night they kissed. He tries to be their for her but she doesn’t buy it and calls him out as someone who only wishes to avoid pain. Shinji Chokes Auska and the third impact begins.

—

No one understands me.

You never understood anything.

I thought this was supposed

to be a world without pain,

and without uncertainty.

That's because you thought that

everyone else felt the same as you do.

You betrayed me!

You betrayed my feelings!

You misunderstood

from the very beginning.

You just believed

what you wanted to believe.

Nobody wants me,

so they can all just die.

Then what is your hand for?

Nobody cares whether or not I exist.

Nothing ever changes,

so they can all just die!

Then tell me,

what is your heart for?

It would be better

if I never existed.

I should just die, too.

Then why are you here?

Is it okay for me to be here?

(Silence)

—-

The ultimate Childish lashing out of the Death Drive, Shinji forces the human race to a Preobject state, where they are all indescribable from one another. Notably in the final moments of third impact Shinji can hear the voices of the girls rejecting him. Shinji immediately rejects the world he created for much the same reason as the show

—

Ayanami. 

Where are we? 

This place is a sea of LCL. 

The primordial soup of life. 

A place with no AT Fields,

where individual forms do not exist. 

An ambiguous world... 

where you cannot tell

where you end and others begin. 

A world where

you exist everywhere... 

and yet you're nowhere,

all at once. 

Is this death? 

Not quite. This is a world

where we are all one. 

This is the world you wished for. 

But this isn't right.

This feels wrong. 

If you wish for others to exist, 

the walls of their hearts

will separate them again. 

They will all feel fear once more. 

Okay then. 

Thank you. 

I only felt pain

when I existed in that reality. 

So I thought

it was alright to run away. 

But there was nothing good

in the place I escaped to either. 

Because I didn't exist there,

and so no one existed. 

Is it alright for the AT Field

to cause you and others pain again? 

I don't mind. 

—

Having a world without others is a world with no self concept, which isn’t what Shinji real wanted either.

Reality exists in a place unknown,

and dreams exist within reality.

And truth lies in your heart.

The contents of a person's heart

shapes their appearance.

And new images will change

their hearts and their forms.

 The power of imagination is

the ability to create your own future,

and the power to create

your own flow of time.

Shinji rejects instrumentality and decides even if he doesn’t know how to be happy it’s better than losing himself. He returns to earth, the violent destructiveness of the rest of the film is replaced by a sad melancholy as he says goodbye to Yui his mother and Eva unit one.

The final scene is a microcosm of the movie. Titled “I need you” the hidden tagline of the film (and likely Gendo’s secret line) Auska returns to the beach Shinji is on. He starts strangling her like before, she puts her hand on his face, Shinji stops and cries. As mentioned before the depressive position is the next state when the Child realizes the good and bad object were the same all along. They feel regret over their treatment of the object. Shinji can finally understand ambiguity about others and ultimately himself and can move on from Black and White thinking.

To summarize, Shinji had a black and white view of himself and other people because of his neglectful upbringing. He had no sense of value for himself and saw others as either sources of validation. In both endings Instrumentality offered an ultimate retreat but Shinji found his loss of self unexceptionable and chose to reject instrumentality and mature.

[batmansymbol]

can't remember the last time i made a blog post on this blog. i really am becoming the hermit i always aspired to be.

looking for somewhere to put this particular exhaustion though and journaling makes me feel lonely and lately all interpersonal interactions leave me with the feeling of having transgressed in many secret ways unknown to me. so vent follows. although for the record someday when i am a true hermit i will have found inner peace, and i will no longer make posts like this, and i instead will be able to identify a cypress tree on sight.

for now, i've been having this feeling of kneeling in the surf with my mouth open and the ocean trying to force itself down my throat. i'm working four jobs to make ends meet. they are meeting, barely. my 16-year-old car broke down for the last time, and this week i bought a new one from a man at a dealership who lied to me over the phone about hidden fees as though $900 meant nothing. now i have new car payments every month but i no longer hear a steady drip behind me in the car when it rains, can't decide which of the two feelings of dread is more potent. i loved that leaking car into its grave. i often wish i had a soul-crushing 9-to-5 that paid me $75,000 every year like clockwork. i am spreading myself too thin socially. i love everybody in my life. sometimes i receive profound and beautiful reactions to my writing, and also with four clicks i can see criticism of my work online that makes me feel like i should never have been born. i struggle to weight these experiences in a reasonable way in my mind. i have not read a new book since sally rooney's intermezzo. i hate everything i write but luckily the hatred comes in cycles, counterbalanced by defiant love, like my relationship with my forehead. i have to believe everything i write is the one (the one that will financially or artistically save me). i have to tell myself the one doesn't exist so as not to get my hopes up. i have to remind myself my problems are atomically small compared to nearly everything. i have to remind myself of this because sometimes it's the only thing that makes me feel human again. i have dreams about friends i had in high school and the shitty jokes i made to them, how much more sensitive i could have been. in the dreams they hate me, or forgive me, or hit me. last april at age 28 i began to have back pain every single night from a degenerated spinal disc and now at age 30 i have anti-arthritis pills in my toiletries bag. it hurts to lean back in a chair, but i have all my limbs and my mind. i wonder every day why i'm not doing something differently. my inability to do anything meaningful disgusts me. i find meaning whenever i open the blinds. i have forgotten to switch my car insurance to my new vehicle, so after i press Post Now i will go to the website that will ask me for my password and to confirm i am myself.