#im lying also i love books i just cant focus the way i did as a child <\\3< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[femmefaggot]

youd think i read a lot more than i do based on the everything these past couple weeks. i am NOT a fan of books except when i am. you have to decide whether i think something is good or im just kinning. went into the deep end with this one i will not lie. i barely read average sized books <3 epic war fantasy time.

[lovelyfaustus]

(I would much rather be on anon, instead of flaunting my art account, but ...)

Hello! If you have time, could I request a matchup from you? If you’re currently busy or do not have the time, I understand and I thank you for reading this much anyway.

Im a 22 year old, 5'4" gay (trans) guy with very wavy brown hair I like to dye bright blue or have faded blonde tips, I'm average-ly sized, and I wear glasses. I am mostly very polite, quiet, and "charming" around new people, though that's mostly just a default reaction. Towards friends, I am more snarky and quick-witted, and to crushes ... I am extremely tsundere and deny my emotions, until I fully trust the person I like (which can take a while). I'm relatively smart (above average), and my hobbies consist of Writing and Composing Music (I can play upwards of 11 instruments, and sing), Drawing/painting, and collecting facts on familiar birds or exotic bugs. I even have a hand written journal dedicated to flora and fauna I've found interesting facts for. I'm extremely determined and very rarely give up on anything once I've set my mind to it, I just rarely want anything.

Thank you for your time, I'm sorry about the length of this ask. Once again if it's too disinteresting, long, or you have enough on your plate, then focus on you! I wish you the best and hope you enjoy your day.

u sound cool af !! ty for requesting aa ur too sweet ! D,:

hmm,,,, after reading your request a couple times i cant help but wanna pair you with Sebastian :0 (pls dont hate me if you didnt want seb aaaa)

i feel like, upon first meeting you, sebastian would right off the hook fall for your charm. in fact i think he would try to “out charm” you lol. He would also internally compliment your manners when he meets you for the first time! like >;0? Your politeness is impeccable!

after gaining the honorable title of your friend, Sebastian would probably be taken back by your wit. For some reason he didn’t expect human behavior to be so ??? inconsistent????? if you like, walk away from him after some witty banter the reaction you’d probably get is just

🧍‍♂️❓

HE FINDS IT VERY ENTICING THO!!!

if you were ever comfortable enough or in a situation where you wanted to tell him that you’re trans, he would accept it ofc !! He likes you a whole lot, you’re a very interesting human! nothing is going to change that :) He may ask you questions about it though, like maybe when you realized or what kinda things make you comfy/uncomfy. tbh if he found out abt someone personally being against u for being trans, that person would end up dead somewhere in like a ditch or something

HE !! WANTS !! TO HEAR YOUR MUSIC !!!!!!!!

SHOW HIM NOW!!!!!! hes like , MESMERIZED at how well it sounds, how put together and organized it is. his human did this !!!!!!!! he feels like the coolest man in the world bc hes so honored to know you >:0!

I feel like Sebastian would find secret stashes of your writing and read it behind your back (not in like a bad way tho¿ like if u asked where ur writing went he’d be like “oh i found it and i wanted to read it. its really good btw”)

you and him paint together !! he likes watching over your shoulder when you draw. Also!! when he finds your journals about florals he’ll probably ask to let finnian borrow them and the scenario is just like

seb: Finny! the lovely (ur name) has given me this book to lend to you. Please read over it and return it in mint condition. *tosses finnian into a dead rosebush*

he likes that youre a very strong willed person! he thinks your compassion is really charming!

-

aaaa IM SORRY if this is like. ugly bad and stupid D: i have never done matchups before nd im kinda scared im accidentally gonna give someone a character they hate :C

[violetnotez]

I am in serious need of soft hours headcanons with Izuku. I wanna pamper him with love, hold his cheeks and kiss him tenderly, hold his hands and draw circles on them with my thumb, hug him to my chest to cuddle him, pet his fluffy hair, just tell him how much I appreciate and believe in him. Forehead kisses, cheek kisses, nose kisses, ALL THE KISSES DAMN IT! 😭 I. APPRECIATE. THIS. CUTE. BROCOLI. BOY. Help me plz 😭 I mean, if you can 😂 I know you're very busy with matchups (btw kudos to those

OMG Im so sorry this was so much later! I was really need some good Izuku loving hours when I wrote this, so I hope you like it! Also sorry it was posted at an UNGODLY HOURS I cant have a normal posting scheudele no matter how hard I try!

ALSO I REALIZED U ASKED FOR HEADCANNONS IM SO SORRY!!!!!!!!!

Izuku x reader

⤷ Genre: Fluff

⤷ Word Count: 1600+

⤷ Warnings: cursing if ya squint

⤷ Synopsis:   You have been noticing Midoriya has been a little down lately, so you take it upon yourself to cheer him up by sneakily taking his favorite notebook and writing cute messages in his notes, and of course, his reaction is priceless!

This fic is for the @bnhabookclub bingo event!  Here’s my masterlist to see all my work for this event!

Bingo Slot: Doodles On Their Notebook

Your hands were frantically shoving through Midoriya’s things, the collection of All Might merchandise staring at you with piercing eyes as you continued with your search.

Being Izuku’s girlfriend, you pretty much knew Midoriya like the back of your hand. So when he wasn't acting like himself, becoming more sulky and training more, you knew something was seriously wrong with the greenette.

But of course, the green haired boy was determined to prove you wrong, always saying “Im just fine!” or “Dont worry about me angel!” whenever you brought the topic up.

It just- didnt feel right to you...he seemed so sad, so burdened with something inside of him, his green eyes no longer shining like they used to and his body looking as if it was carrying a tremendous weight on his shoulders.

You had decided enough was enough, and that you would remind your boyfriend of how amazing he was by writing affirmations all over his favorite notebook in order to uplift his spirits-if only you could find the damn thing.

“The hell is that book,” you cursed under your breath, your hands now lifting up every textbook on his desk.

“What book are you looking for puppy?”

You felt a spike of coldness rush through your body, your eyes wide as you turned around to look at your confused looking boyfriend.

His hair looked slightly wet, a towel folded underneath his arms and his signature white shirt a little damp from a shower he probably had taken after training. His cheeks were still a little pink, making his freckles a little more prominent, and in any other circumstance you would have pounced on him with kisses from his cuteness.

But-he had just caught you red handed, looking through his stuff...the hell were you gonna get out of this?

“I-uh,” you stumbled out, trying to find a good lie, “I-I lost a notebook, and I-I think it might be here? From when I came over to study?”

Izuku didnt seem to notice your obvious fluster, his eyes downcast and his expression preoccupied.

“I havent seen any of your notebooks lying around...I’ll look for it, dont worry! We’ll find it eventually,” the boy tried to send you a reassuring smile, but it didnt work very well. 

It was sad, tired, worried...just not the usually reassuring Izuku you knew.

All thoughts of your plan filtered out of your mind, your body instantly walking over to the boy. Your hand wrapped around his arm gingerly, some parts rougher than others from his scars as you gently trailed your hand down to rest in his palm.

“‘Zuku, are you feeling okay?” you asked, your voice sweet as you looked up at him with wide eyes. “Is something on your mind? You seem-sad,”

Midoriya sighed, his green orbs looking at you with love and warmth. 

Even if he was looking down, it was reassuring to know he still looked at you like that- at least it wasn't you who was causing this...but what?

“Im sorry puppy, I didn't realize I was worrying you so much,” he said, his voice low as he rubbed his thumb against your hand. “Its just-I-I feel like I'm not improving as much as I should be. I've had this power for some time now, and I can barely use it to half its potential...the others are improving so much, especially Kachan..I just- sometimes I can't help- but think that maybe I'm not cut out for this…”

You tilted your head in confusion, your lips pursed and eyes full of empathy.

You were so relieved to finally know what was eating at your boyfriend so much, but it hurt you to know he was fighting with such insecurities All you wanted to do was love the hell out of him right now and smother him with cuddles and kisses.

“Oh, ‘Zuku,” you sighed out, your free hand finding refuge against Midoriya’s cheek. The boy quietly nuzzled himself into your touch, his skin soft and warm against your palm. “Is that what was bothering you?”

“Yeah-I-I know, it seems silly, its just-”

“No, it doesnt,” you quickly interjected him, a reassuring smile playing on your lips. “Everybody doubts themselves sometimes, no matter how good or bad they are at what you do.

“You're still just training, you're doing everything you can to be the best, more than what most people do in their whole lifetime. Yeah, others are going to improve faster than you, and others are going to improve slower. Just focus on yourself, and your goals, and don't forget what you’ve accomplished. You done so much with yourself Izuku, more than you would ever know, just don't forget that kay?”

Izuku face light up, his expression washing with relief. He instantly buried you into a hug, his taught arms wrapping around you and squeezing you slightly. You smiled at the big softie your boyfriend was, your hands cuddling his body close to you. You felt the boy chuckle slightly, his voice sounding flustered yet more relaxed than before

“What would I do without you?” 

“Probably train until you passed out,” you giggled, a smile gracing your lips, “but seriously Izuku, dont be so hard on yourself, your doing just fine,”

“Okay, I-Ill try,” he stuttered out.

Izuku held you like that for another moment, you both relishing the feeling of the other against your arms. You felt Midoriya pull your body gently away from his, his face facing yours as he placed his hands on your shoulders.

He finally looked a little less solemn, some of the weight being taken off of his shoulders..but that tell tale look of sadness was still there.

“I-I know you were looking for your notebook...but did you maybe want to- stay for a little bit?”

You felt your insides light up from warmth, a grin growing on your face.

God, why did he have to go and be so cute?

“If you want cuddles, ‘Zuku, all you have to do is ask...”

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ

Deku stepped into class the next day, his body almost in a trance as he sat himself down at his usual seat.

Last night was healing for him, just cuddling and having you in his arms, but reality hit him in the face the next day. Those inner demons weren’t quite destroyed, and he realized he still had to battle them, even after the night with you.

He sighed, his shoulders feeling tired as he rummaged through his backpack, pulling out his notebook. 

Mind as well study as he waited for class to start…

He flipped through the first few pages, trying to find the last place he was reviewing, until he noticed something-there was new writing, unlike his own, scrawled in the empty gaps of his notes..

Izuku cocked his eyebrow, his fingers dragging against the message:

“I love how sweet you are, no matter what comes your way.”

Izuku felt his cheeks rise with heat-who wrote that?

He flipped the next page, finding another message:

“Your freckles are adorable and I’d kiss each and every one if I could.”

God, how could these make him so flustered? He felt his whole face rise in heat, beginning to recognize the handwriting as your own. He began to flip through each page, a message almost on every one, all about him:

“You are so strong.”

“I love when you get flustered.”

“Your going to accomplish your dreams and more,”

“Your hair is so cute pls dont ever change it,”

He chuckles at that last one, his digits racking through his locks. His classmates were beginning to file into class, the room becoming much louder than before.

Izuku turned around, his cheeks on fire as he hoped nobody saw him get so flustered-until his eyes met yours.

You were currently talking to Mina and Kaminari a few seats behind, your body sitting on a desk as you watched Izuku with waiting eyes.

Once he made eye contact though, he knew for certain it was you who had written the sweet notes in his notebook- your face lit up with relief, a smile gracing your lips as you sent a wink his way.

Midoriya couldn't help but let a squeak slip out of his lips, his body swiveling around quickly- god, he was too flustered around you!

Midoriya heard Aizawa enter, all his classmated quickly taking their seats and going silent.

He listened to the instruction, opening his notebook to a fresh page to write down notes...but he found himself flipping back to those few pages, rereading every message. It uplifted his spirits, made him feel loved, and he felt so lucky to have someone as caring as you love him back.

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ

It was now the end of class, the bell ringing daintily around the room as everyone bombarded out to the lunch hall.

You on the other hand stayed behind, walking over to Midoriya as he slowly put his books away in his bag.

“So, did you like it?” you asked, a smile in your voice as you waited for your answer.

Midoriya looked up at you, his eyes wide with gratitude and his cheeks a rosy red-

Yeah, he liked it.

MIdoriya smiled, his grin wide and child-like. “I-I loved it, y/n, thank you!” he shouted, his voice dripping with gratitude.

“God,” you giggled sheepishly, “I took me forever to find that notebook after you fell asleep…”

His hand wracked into his hair again, his bright smile turning into a nervous smile

“Honestly, I don't know if I deserved all that work, but I-I really liked it-”

“Of course you deserve it Izuku!” you quickly reached for his hand, your body moving closer to his, “You are such an amazing person-everything I wrote in there was true, and will always be true.”

Izuku looked up at you, his eyes full of love and admiration. He had never been so grateful and felt so lucky to be with someone as amazing as you.

Midoriya’s cheeks began to turn red again, his body leaning in quickly towards yours. He planted a kiss on your cheeks, his skin leaving a lasting tingle on your skin.

“You know I-I love you-right...cause I do, I really really do,”

[joy1579]

the RFA bois react to empath MC

so in this context im gonna say MC is an empath in that she can feel other peoples emotions. they feel separate from hers though as she’s had a lot of time to learn to compartmentalize her emotions separate from others. she can also promote emotions to other people but not force them. think of it like the difference between being near a small campfire and wrapped up in a blanket in you house. if your feeling sad she can help you feel a little better help you not slip too far into depression but she cant solve the problem. if your surrounds by cold sadness she can be a small campfire to warm up next to until you have enough strength to make it home. some people can tell the difference between her promoted feelings and their genuine ones but its difficult and often takes a lot of practice.

I might add jaehee and Saeran a bit later. if you guys want me to leave a comment. otherwise i’ll probably move on to my next project.

oh and master list

Jumin

Curious, defensive, once he accepts it he’s thankful that you can understand his feelings so easily

-        He doesn’t believe you at first. At least he says he doesn’t but you can feel his curiosity

-        You tell him to ask any questions he has and he does

-        “Can you make people feel something?” Sorta but not really, I can promote or encourage feelings but not force them

-        “Can you tell when people lie to you?” it depends on why their lying. I can fell maliciousness and that can tell me if their lying.

-        “Have you ever used this power on me?” You can feel the anxiety behind that question. He doesn’t want his love for you to be something you created. You don’t have to be an empath or a mind reader to see that concern.

-        I can’t turn off feeling other people’s emotions that’s how I knew how much you were hurting. “you know that’s not what I’m asking MC”

-        You sigh defeated yes, but it isn’t what you think. I didn’t make you love me; I could never do that. there isn’t a point if those feeling aren’t genuine. I tried to calm you down, make you feel more safe and secure. You were so anxious I couldn’t stand to see you so hurting like that so I tried to encourage peace

-        You could feel him processing that, you watched as his grim and serious face slowly melted into the gentle smile you loved you could feel his warm and soothing love

-        can I show you something? I, I’ve never done this but I want to try to make you feel how I feel about you.so you can understand “you may”

-        you instructed him to breathe deeply. The way he did when he meditated (a hobby he had begun after reading about it in a book about Romanian vampires)

-        it’s easier if your empty and open. A blank slate to receive what I’m projecting are you ready?

-        He nods and you start. You pour every ounce of energy you have into showing him how much you love him the warmth in your face when you catch his eye, the tingles in your fingertips when he kisses you, the giddy bubbliness in your heart when he makes those silly dry jokes of his and last the hunger in your blood when he smirks at you.

-        When you stop sending him your feelings you can feel them mirrored back at you with their signature Jumin charm.

-        His face may not burn but he’s never found it difficult to fight a smile before he met you, his fingers may not tingle but they twitch with the need to hold you, and he feels that same giddy bubbliness when you laugh at his jokes, last but certainly not least you feel the aching need for you when you glance at him slyly

-        You laugh at the cosmic ridiculousness of it all, you two felt so similar yet so different two sides of the same coin.

-        You wouldn’t have it any other way

 Yoosung

Embarrassed, thinks you can mind read, tries to not think anything naughty thinks EVERYTHING naughty

-        When you tell him he turns bright red and you almost choke on the embarrassment he’s feeling

-        Why is he so embarrassed though? you don’t get it feelings aren’t embarrassing

-        “so you um you know all my thoughts?” oh okay now you get it he doesn’t understand

-        No I can’t read your thoughts I just feel your emotions, like if your happy I can feel your happiness or if your sad I can feel that sadness

-        “so um can you feel if I feel um like nope never mind no its nothing I’m going to go study”

-        Now you’re curious so while he’s studying your focused on him searching for something anything beyond the pure embarrassment he’s feeling

-        Slowly you can feel a small piece of his emotion a wavering flickering determination to hide something

-        You don’t approve of spying. But he was acting so strange you were worried. So you watched him for the rest of the evening as you scampered around doing everything in his power to stay busy and avoid you

-        You can’t keep avoiding me forever Yoosung what are you so afraid ill feel that I haven’t felt already

-        That’s when he locks eyes with you and you can feel his need ;) at the same time that his face flushes a near impossible shade of red

-        “MC can you feel when I have naughty thoughts?” He blurts clearly a little panicked

-        You can’t help but giggle because you can feel his nervousness under laden by the obvious thoughts he’s been trying not to think

-        Only when you think about them really hard *you wiggle your eyebrows at him*

-        And now you’ve broken him he’s a puddle of embarrassment on the floor you should probably stop teasing him now

-        Yoosung listen if you’re worried about me thinking your weird, or not feeling the same way myself. You don’t need to. Honestly most of the time I feel how sincerely you love me, how much you enjoy being with me, how much you cherish me. Every now and then I feel you get a little needy and to be honest, I feel the exact same way. I love you of course I feel that way sometimes.

-        Then his lips are on yours and your drowning in the intensity of his emotion

-        How can such a cute and innocent looking boy feel so, hungry. You have to admit its intoxicating

-        you hold him tight against you and try to make him feel your love the way you feel his love right now

-        you don’t know if it comes through but you figure you probably have the rest of your life to keep trying.

-        At least if the devotion and love you feel from him is really as strong as it feels

-        You know better than anyone that feelings can change in the blink of an eye

-        But you have no intention of letting this go

Saeyoung

skeptical at first, he jokes about conspiracies and magic because they seem so far fetched to me so you’ll have to prove yourself.

-        when she tells him he doesn’t believe you

-        “prove it what am feeling right now” he said teasingly

-        Skeptical? You replied blandly it didn’t take an empath to figure that one out

-        Saeyoung laughed at that and you couldn’t help the bloom off love in your heart

-        “okay that wasn’t a good example” he joked “how about this what’s Saeran feeling”

-        “emotionally exhausted, a little depressed, but mostly apathetically curious

-        ... it’s the best he’s felt in a while to be honest but it’s getting better” you said solemnly

-        You felt his heart sink the all too familiar weight of guilt he carried quickly pushed aside to focus on more pleasant things

-        “that would have been a better example if I could fact check it but it seems right” he said with a glance to his brother lost at the computer in the corner of the room

-        I can try to affect your mood would that prove it? You offered

-        He brightened instantly at that “oh yeah! that’s a good idea bet you can’t scare me”

-        “I can’t force emotions but I can promote them so let’s try it out. First it’s easier if you clear your mind and start with a blank slate” you instructed

-        “my minds always a blank slate” he quipped giving you his signature goofy grin

-        you couldn’t help but laugh for a moment and you felt his pride swell at your giggling

-        after a moment you calm yourself down and begin to focus on proving your point

-        suddenly he’s stiff and trembling in front of you

-        “I don’t like that” he whispered stopping you immediately

-        “I’m sorry did I push too hard” you fretted

-        “I, don’t, I believe you just don’t do that again”

-        “of course I’m sorry” you promised worriedly

-        “I haven’t felt like that since, never mind I just don’t like it”

-        “here let me try something else something better”

-        This time you sent warmth, comfort and love. the feeling of stepping inside your warm home on a cold winter day. you can feel him beginning to relax into it and you hope this makes up for your earlier faux pas

-        “I recognize that feeling you’ve done this for me before”

-        you caught me I did this a lot when you were with me at Rikas place I didn’t like you feeling bad so I tried to help usually the calls helped with they didn’t I did this

-        he pulls you into his arms and hugs you tight you can feel his adoration and gratefulness

-        “you’ve been helping me since the beginning. thank you”

 zen

instant belief (because he has psychic dreams after all) probably falls more in love with you because you can completely understand his feelings

-        now he knows why you believed him about his psychic dreams so wholeheartedly with no hesitation

-        no one had ever believed him so quickly and honestly it meant so much that you had trusted him

-        then his eye’s glint and he asks if you can feel what characters are supposed to be feeling

-        you almost laugh at that but he’s serious

-        he thinks about how helpful that would be for his career, how easy it would make character analysis

-        you almost wish you could when you see how passionate and ambitious he is

-        but you shake your head and explain

-        “I have to be with the person”

-        He nods at that but you can feel his confusion grow mixed with curiosity so you continue

-        “and if there’s multiple people I have to work harder to focus on just the person I want to read.”

-        it’s in this moment that clarity dawns on Zen’s face you were so good at isolating people’s problems focusing on exactly who you needed to. the reason you were always so focused on him and his feelings was because you worked at it. You had practice.

-        You could feel his admiration though you weren’t sure what thoughts a brought it you had started talking and now it felt like you couldn’t stop you had never told anyone about how your power felt and now it was pouring out of you

-        “It’s like being in a crowded room and trying to isolate one person’s voice from all the others. it can be overwhelming because people don’t have inside emotions like they have inside voices. when something exciting happens in a movie, sometimes it feels like the whole theater is screaming.

-        “that’s why you hadn’t heard of me before we met. You avoided the theater because it was to emotional?”

-        “I couldn’t get into the story because the actors never felt genuine and I got a headache from all the people in the crowd it was easier to watch things at home where I couldn’t read people so easily”

-        “but you come see my plays now?”

-        You blushed at that averting your eyes “your acting is different. You actually feel the part. You make it easy for even me to believe you. if it’s you, I think it’s worth the headache from the crowd. If it’s you I think I understand how the crowd can get so worked up.”

-        He lunged at you and in a flash your back was against the couch as he loomed over you hungry and full of adoration he leaned down to whisper in your ear

-        “can you tell how I feel right now?”

-        You shut your eyes tight and nodded face red with embarrassment.

-        “then you must have some idea of how much I love you. still I’d like to prove it, if you’ll let me Jagi”

[bonniebird]

The Girl Next Door

Hvitserk x Reader

AN: This started as a dream. Thank you @honestsycrets for letting me borrow her Marco gifs and then talking to me about my weird plot ideas until the ball started rolling xD.

“Shit! Shit! Shit!” You shouted as you rushed to get the bus. You could see the back of Ivar’s head sat at the back of the bus which pulled off as you reached the stop. You glanced back at the college and sighed. You could try and find someone to give you a lift. With a quick glance up at the cloudy sky you decided that it would be better if you walked home.

Rain began to gently patted down and you cursed Ivar’s offer of ‘Oh I could pick up (Y/N)’s uniform Mrs (Y/L/N)!” Of course your parents who were often travelling were so happy to have lovely, helpful neighbours next door. You doubted they’d be so happy if they knew Ivar had several inches cut off your uniforms skirts before delivering them to you.

“Hey sweetie!” Someone called as you took a wrong turn. Glancing around you saw a few men stood around the warehouses. You hated this part of town but it was the quickest way home and the rain was starting to get heavier. “Come on. Don’t be shy.”

“Come on baby!” With a last shout you started to hurry faster, almost running. You hadn’t seen Hvitserk flicking away his cigarette as he sipped from a can of beer, expecting to have a quick meeting at one of his warehouses.

He spotted you rushing away, giving the men calling after you a quick glare, he sighed, reminding himself to bring up buying them out to Ubbe when they next had a meeting.

“Babygirl, keep walking.” You jumped when you heard the voice coming much closer than the other voices.

Glancing around you spotted the men who had been catcalling you were slowly settling their way after you. A hand snaked around your back, making you jump. “Hvitserk?” You asked in sunrise.

“The fuck are you doing out here looking like that? Should know better than coming down here.” Hvitserk muttered to you as he marched you the way he’d come, towards his car.

“Ivar was the one that had the seamstress change my uniform. Also the bus left so it’s not like I’m out here on purpose.” You said, trying to keep some form of confidence all the while focusing entirely on the fact that Hvitserk had his arm neatly around you.

“Stay here.” He said as he pulled his phone out of his pocket and unlocked his car. You sat in the car and the lock clicked shut again. He strolled away and you decided to sort through your bag until he came back. After a few minutes you realised that he hadn’t actually said how long he would be.

You jumped when several loud bangs echoed off the buildings there was a lot of shouting that followed. Hvitserk walked back up to the car, shaking his head as he got into the car, still sipping his beer.

“Did you hear that?” You asked, glancing around to see where the noise had come from.

“Huh? Oh the bang? Yeah that’s one of the places around here, they work on old cars and they backfire pretty loud. He watched you carefully when you thought about what he said.

“Oh.” Was all you said as the clouds gave up and rain poured down so heavily you couldn’t see in front of you.

“Picked a good day to miss the bus.” Hvitserk grumbled as he stared ahead. “I’ll give you a lift home.”

The ride home was awkwardly quiet. You were more than happy to see your houses pull into view. “Thank you.” You said quietly and waited for a response as he rubbed his chin.

“So you were just walking home?” He asked you and leant in, making you nervous.

“I took the wrong turn, I never remember which road it is there’s no sign.” You admitted and started feeling flustered when he sighed and chuckled a little.

“Do me a favour and don’t tell anyone I was down that way? I was supposed to be somewhere else… Aslaug you know.” hvitserk lied so sweetly that you didn’t doubt him.

“Of course! I know how she gets.” You said sheepishly.

He smirked and looked you up and down. It had always amused him that you were more than eager to please. “That’s a good girl.” He said softly and watched you squirm. For good measure he strokes your cheek, leant over a little more and kissed you softly. When a whimper slipped out Hvitserk groaned softly, hand travelling to your thigh, stroking the soft skin. When one of your hands dug into his jacket and the other pulled at the back of his neck, to ensure he deepened the kiss, he had to wander what the hell Ivar did with you all those days up in his room. You were either a needy little thing or Ivar was honestly studying with you. A waist of a nice girl he decided as he pulled away, pushing you off him.

“Well in you go babygirl.” Hvitserk said as he gestured to the house.

He watched you head inside before moving up closer to the Ragnarssons drive. “Hvitserk!” Ivar’s friend said cheerfully as he leaned against the gate. “Good to see you again.” Hvitserk meerly grunted at him as he passed.

***********************************************

“Hey!” Ivar called and motioned for his friend. “Two study coffees.” He joked and gestured outside where you were balancing several huge books and trying to order a taxi.

“Oh! Isn’t Hvitserk giving you guys a lift?” The friend popped up causing Ivar to frown. “It’s just he dropped her off yesterday and he’s normally not working today… right?”

“She was home last night… We watched a movie.” Ivar said and shook his head. “You must be thinking of someone else, Hvit always has girls round.”

When the coffees were ready Ivar met you out in the taxi, proudly balancing two coffees under his chin as he tapped through the crowd with his crutches. Once in the car there was a long silence.

“So are you fucking my brother?” Ivar asked and your jaw dropped as you looked at him over the mountain of books between the two of you.

“No!” You spluttered out and Ivar rolled his eyes. “I’m not Ivar honest!”

“So you weren’t with Hvitserk late night?” He smirked when you chose to ignore him. You couldn’t get away with lying to Ivar so you would often choose to ignore him instead. Which was equally flawed.

“We have one more exam and we graduate Ivar, can’t we focus on that?” You said hopefully.

“I can. But you might accidentally wonder off with one of my siblings.” Ivar said quickly, sirking when you started to fidget and flip through the books. “I’ll just ask Hvitserk later.”

****************************************************

Hvitserk nodded to the barkeeper who handed him a huge wad of cash. Hvitserk slid him a few bills before he left. “Does mother know what you and Ubbe do or does she not care?” Ivar asked as he shuffled into the room.

“A little of both. What’re you doing here?” Hvitserk asked as Ivar took a seat at the bar.

“Are you fucking (Y/N)?” Ivar asked and Hvitserk scoffed.

“Why, she say we did?” He asked cautiously and Ivar cocked his head with a smile.

“No. she doesn’t know a friend of mine saw you in your car.” Ivar grinned wickedly when his brother realised he was trapped.

“Alright, she missed the bus, it was raining and I gave her a lift. What about it?” Hvitserk snapped and glared at Ivar who gave him an innocent look.

“And you just gave her a lift for free?” both brothers started the other down until Hvitserk shrugged.

“Yeah I did, how low do you think I am to make (Y/N) fuck me for a lift, we both know she’s not getting any. You’re not fucking her, I’m not… maybe your friend is.”  Hvitserk grinned when Ivar rolled his eyes.

“I don’t think so. You’ve done something, she’s gone all love eyed over you. It’s awful.” Ivar complained as hvitserk made him a drink.

“She’ll get over it. Now get out of here I have a meeting.” He said as he poured the drink into a to go cup. “Don’t let mum know you’re drinking again.”

[thehappymessproject]

81/100 - Giving ourselves focus and love by choosing one word for the year

This is very exciting for me to write about : I’ve never really done it. 

A little bit more than five years ago, I just had discovered the incredible work of Dr. Brene Brown on vulnerability and courage, and it simply blew my mind. I felt like I was reading about one of the most important things I could ever educate myself on. 

The books and her TED talks already had changed my daily life in subtle touches, but I wanted more. I also knew I needed more. I was afraid to forget about it in the next few months and hated the thought. So, I took some time to reflect, and over a couple of weeks, came to a big decision (especially for me who used to be commitment phobic in so many ways).

I would spend a year learning courage.

It became one of the most exciting years of my life. For me, learning how to be brave was essentially about saying yes to a lot of things I would have usually say no to out of fear, and no to a lot of things that would bring me comfort in the moment, but preventing me to do things that really mattered to me in the long run. 

I tried out a lot of activities I had never tried, but felt curious about like climbing, sewing, baking pastries... 

I paid a lot of attention to those moments where I would feel afraid, ashamed or uncomfortable, and pushed myself to be brave in my way of dealing with them. 

Choosing to tell a friend that I was feeling hurt and set a boundary rather than silencing myself in hope it doesn’t happen anymore. 

When really down, channelling more energy to do anything that would bring myself self-loving comfort rather numbing comfort. 

Breaking off relationships that felt depleting to me.

It was a tiring year, sure. But it was also one of the most empowering ones. Each time I would choose the brave path instead of the comfortable one, I would feel stronger and more centred. Embodying the experience of bravery, training those courage muscles. 

I realised at the end of the year, when I was feeling really sad about seeing what I called my brave year coming to a year, that I didn’t want to give it up, but I also didn’t want to repeat it as is either. I also noticed that overall, being brave for me had a lot to do with exploring my creativity. 

So I decided to make the next year my creative year. I had so much fun! 

I started taking way more photos, tried to learn guitar and piano for a while, spent a few months sewing like a crazy person, I wrote more that year than in the decade before, and towards the third trimester of my year devoted to creativity, started to paint with watercolours and do the lettering you can now see on my artsy Instagram account. 

Both activities were those bringing me the most joy while allowing me to let my guard down : when painting, I was less attacked by the voices in my head trying to bring me down and discourage me. (ah, the joy of defence mechanisms bullying us...) I was finding more easily ways to bypass them than in any other setting. 

I noticed that creating (and doing anything that mattered to me in my life) was only possible for me when I would take good care of myself. When I would commit to loving myself everyday by showing up. But self-care was so hard for me... 

So... Yeah you guessed it, I took my practice to a new ground by declaring the following year my self-care year. 

I had just discovered the existence of the Find what feels good channel on Youtube a few weeks before, I had ended my creative year with The artist’s way, a 8 weeks program using Julia Cameron’s wonderful book to discover or recover our inner artist, which had taught me how to journal in a way that would connect myself to my heart better than ever. And I had dabbled for a few years on and off with meditation. I had all the tools lying before me already. 

As often when we live an intentional life, the Universe (or call it luck if you’re more comfortable) was helping in subtle ways that can only be noticed when we pay attention to the opportunities we are presented with, and allow ourselves to take them. 

So I did just that. I finally found the courage to take better care of myself and making it a priority. That year was full of softness and whole heartedness. It felt like discovering the essence of who I was. 

Since I was struggling with commitment (still), I focused on one self-loving activity at the time. A few weeks mostly meditating. A few weeks mostly doing yoga. A few weeks getting back to journaling. I thought I could choose which activity I would keep, but realised they all were giving me so much, and yet so differently that I wanted to keep them all. 

I would still create more and more, and take my work as a psychologist to another level, and was struggling to make everything fit in my daily time. Now that I knew better what kind of life I wanted, I felt stuck at making it work as a whole.

So I dedicated last year to finding Balance. I loved it so much. It was like deepening everything I had built in the previous three years. The courage, the creative energy and the love. 

It taught me how to be more flexible and finding way to make things stick, one step at a time, one day at a time and to honour my pace. I set up a few challenges to help on the way. Strengthened my morning routine that felt easier and more necessary than an evening one (currently working on that). 

I explored how my love for art, psychology and writing could be intertwined. It felt like coming home to myself. 

This “year” actually took a little bit more time. I used to choose my word of the year at the end of summer. But last September, I felt stuck. I had just moved to the other side of the globe (another marvellous consequence of all that personal inner journey), felt completely thrown out of balance and quite depleted. 

Then, a few weeks ago, after a few months finding my footing back, it was suddenly obvious. What I struggled with and had to practice the most lately was letting go : finding ways to trust myself, my intuition and the process. I’d say in short : trusting the universe and finding the flow. 

So this year will be my year of flow.

I started by deciding that my practice could now fit better at the beginning of the year rather the school year, the end of the year being a perfect time to reflect and gather our bearings, taking stock. 

When I’m down, finding flow is about giving myself the time and space necessary to heal, letting go of the shoulds and musts. 

When I’m really happy, it’s more about finding pace, not over doing it. 

It is already teaching me how to let go of things, people and spaces that were really important at a time, but became depleting over time. I have never ever felt as free and can’t wait to see more of what this year is going to teach me. 

Choosing one word to devote every year to has with no doubt changed my whole life from the inside out. Like a soothing lighthouse in the dark, it gives me a focus point to always rely on. 

I am never feeling like time passed by without my awareness anymore, being intentional makes time pass more slowly and mindfully. It is helping me to remind myself over and over what is important, and what gets in the way and distract me. It is teaching me more about myself than I ever felt possible. It is allowing me to create the life I really want. 

If reading that essay inspired you to find your own word, I would love nothing more than to know which one you chose and maybe why f you would feel comfortable sharing. 

Here are a few questions that can help to start : What are you feeling like you lack of? What would your ideal 2019 be devoted to? What is preventing you from living your best life right now?

Write your answers down and any word that come up too : it will help you a lot to make it real, tangible. The right one for you will spark something in your body when you write it or if you start making art around it. Let yourself feel it, and trust it. Your heart knows.

See you soon,  Love,  L. 

[erosjeon]

A rant; most of you will relate in a way

First of all, to all bullies out there just know that you're insignificant and a waste of air. Spread love not hate.

Okay so here we go. To help you get a small idea of my personality, I'm a mixture of Suga and Jungkook and I have severe trust issues when it comes to specific things I will touch upon later. I am a shy person needless to say and very quiet and observant so I'm able to pick up people's personality quite quickly.

To start of, I study a very competitive course at college/university so a lot of the people i meet and work with either are friends with me for mutusl help and benefit or to just simply use me. From my previous experience at school, i had developed trust issues with people regarding how well i do when it comes to exams becaude I was bullied LOADS for getting an A, people would ask me "Why the hell would you say you're stressed? You were just lying" & "You probably eat your book and you tell us your procrastinating" and bla bla and I really was, back then I'd used kpop as a way to stress relief but i managed to understand things although never finishing revision which makes me really stressed for the exam which is normal for any test taker right?

Anyhow! Fast forward to first year college, as a few would know it's really big and you dont usually get to make really personal friendships or relationships, i had focused that year to do really well since I had failed to get into medical school due to a stupid entrance exam, i wont deny that I'm a bright person in science so I managrd to do really well (after seeing my results) that year with however, much difficulty.

This one girl which i was acquaintances with had approached me that summer and kept sticking to me and clearly was using me for something i didnt know well, so when she asked me how did you find the exams? With honesty i said really difficult because i found all the exams difficult and hadnt managed to complete my revision. When i had gotten my results, I was like oh wow thats an amazing average but since I had told her I didnt do AMAZING, my phobias kicked in and i asked my best friend who didnt attend the same university for advice, and she said " if you dont even know her then dont tell her you can trust anyone because the course your in is practically the hunger games for people who want to do medicine " so i was like your right and i dont owe this girl anything, she kept bothering me for my exact % so i couldnt actually tell her the truthful one because like o said...' i didnt do amazing'

Fast forward second year after that, she stole a friend of mine that i made in my first year and i confronted her that she's pissing me off and i dont appreciate her trying to keep people away from me but i left them both anyway to focus on my studied cos they got so much harder, i suffer from anxiety and through summer it had slipped from my mouth to her and so she knee something about me, we made up 4 months afterwards and we helped each other by giving recordings of lectures if the other couldnt come and helping with assignments and let me make this clear (i had helped her when she asked me for help and i helped her when she asked me and I knew the question or something) i had also made another friend who knew sara, i liked her personality but again everyone in this course wants to know how everyone did and i had to keep my grade consistent. Like any normal human i struggled a lot and complained when they complained and etc, i was in a lot of stress but thankfully second year went alright not that good but its okay, the same story goes i had came up tp many exams knowong 3 or 4 topics out of 20 but i was lucky for most of the questions coming up on them, im good at picking out questions. The two girls had become friends also towards that summer.

Now in my third year, as always they've bothered me with my grades and I had no trust for them, because if you tell them you did well they will cast you out and try to make you fail. I didnt talk with any of them outside college and we were no where close, we just worked in groups and etc if it had to come to it. Just today i had sent an email to my tutor for a presentation i wouldnt be able to attend because of my illness, i had screenshotted the email and sent it to them because i wanted to let them know of the situation and that its all good cos the tutor said its fine.

One of the girls had looked up my grades using my id and found my grade, i am not feeling well and they both know but for some reason they cornered me just like i got bullied at school and got accused of using them? I had never used them because when you ask someone for something and they also ask you and you give, its called mutual benefit, so i was like if you were my friends you'd be happy, i didnt mean to lie about it but then i got accused of making up times i struggled and stressed, when they said that I knew saying anything more was useless and I was just getting more ill and anxious from it.

It was so funny to see how they completely switched a 180° on me, if i had used them and never helped i would be able to understand but i didnt trust any of them, the girl who had stolen both my friends and she made me unable to trust any, i just sat down and thought why couldn't anyone mind their own business? We all got similar coursework grades and they'd usually get higher but my exams balanced it.

This year i am struggling more because of family issues and my illness so obviously before this drama i had complained when they did that i had a lot to do, so much to catch up with which is piling up till today since I'm taking rest.

It had upsetted me, i wont deny that because I'm not suffering from a flu or just some fly by sickness, they were aware of it and knew that my anxiety would probably spike but they didnt care. Sadly, i had cared whenever they had a "flu" and stayed home and would be worried sick about them.

Ahh..Since this blog is completely anonymouss it helps to get things out and even with 1k followers which is an impossibly micro fraction of the world's population I want to let as many people as I can to never let someone control how you feel, no matter how much or little they mean to you.

All of my friends had laughed about how little trust they had to search for my grades and my family are as speechless as I am, I'm mad that I got hate for doing well, i write on this blog, keep up with BTS 24.7 and watch kdramas... i procrastinate a lot and its not a lie to fool anybody so ughhh. I dont care about them but it makes me angry and sad that i was wronged and accused of using them... i cant even.

I just need a hug, being a person who had self loath and depression which is evident in many of my works it's becoming hard for me to love myself.

[tumblunni]

okay HOLY SHIT

I just remembered that show Gargoyles that I loved as a kid, and I decided to rewatch it, and its SOMEHOW EVEN BETTER THAN I THOUGHT IT WAS?? Like holy fuck?? It has one of the best introductions to any show ever! Did I just never see the first episode as a kid, or did all the implications fly over my head when I watched it??

Okay so.. like.. I knew the PREMISE but I didnt expect it all happened in the least expected way! The friggin theme tune tells us that blablabla ancient magical guardian creatures fell under some sort of curse and now they’re revived in modern times, such and such, there you go a one sentence plot. BUT HOW IT HAPPENED HOW it happened oh GOD And like the show starts with a whole hour long flashback to the gargoyles back in olden times?? like thats a really bold move! usually in kids shows theyre like ‘you MUST establish the status quo/episode formula right away’. here we literally only saw two minutes of modern times america. TWO MINUTES! some person we dont know finds some mysterious monster. now lets throw that all away and spend a whole glorious hour establishing how much of an upstanding man that damn monster is, and how the universe treats him like shit. like weirdly enough it raises hype for the modern day episode formula even as it shows none of it?? it makes the audience think ‘WAIT WTF THEYRE NOT EVIL, OH NO WE ALREADY KNOW THE MODERN POLICE IS GONNA ATTACK THEM’ :< And then also we get ANOTHER HOUR AND A HALF of establishing the modern day status quo too?? theyre labelled on dvds and stuff as the first five episodes, but really this was just one big 2 and half hour movie premiere! i wish i could have seen it in its original form back when it first aired, i just remember that it was really hard to catch reruns of the multi part stuff cos toon disney had a lot of airing issues

anyway WHY IS THIS THE MOST AMAZING THING EVER?

okay

OKAY OKAY

Here’s our premise! We start off in some ambiguously set medieval kingdom where everyone dresses like a mashup of vikings and englishmen yet have scottish accents ok seriously thats kinda distracting And we’re introduced to this small castle kingdom that’s protected by mysterious guardian creatures of amazing character design. Like seriously i wish they didnt focus so much on this ‘all the main gargoyles have to look more human’ thing, the comic relief teenagers trio was my favourite and also THE COOL GRANDPA EYEPATCH GARGOYLE ok ok im getting offtopic So in this universe gargoyles are a sentient species of winged noble warrior doods, who just happen to have a problem of turning to stone in sunlight. And they protect these humans but the humans are all assholes who’re like WAH BUT THEY LOOK LIKE CHRISTIAN DEMONS THEY MUST BE EVIL even as theyre like.. mid-being-saved. Absolute dumbasses. And seriously YOU BUILT YOUR CITY ON THE GARGOYLES’S LAND! You should count yourself lucky their leader is Niceman Mc Patience who agreed to a peace treaty instead of kicking your ass. Seriously Goliath you kinda comprimised too much! It really fuckin sucks!! The gargoyles are like.. employed by the humans for no form of pay?? They get literally nothing out of it! Except less room to live in their own home, and constant degredation.

Okay so THE HUMAN CHARACTERS AND THEIR CONSTANT DEGREDATION

We’re introduced to the princess and royal vizier dude when the kindly knight captain is like ‘hey you should say thank you to the gargoyles, not me’, and she’s like HOW DARE YOU LET THE BEASTS INSIDE THE HOUSE! Like seriouslt the gargoyles arent even allowed to be seen by humans?? Theyre supposed to protect them every damn day but also should never speak and never have any form of rights as sentient beings. WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR DAMAGE, MEDIEVAL DOODS?? So yeah here’s our brief summary of the everyone here: * Fucking asshole princess who acts like you let your dog shit on the floor if you give a friggin sentient being and king of another civilization the basic courtesy of being allowed to STAND INSIDE THE HOUSE * Cliche evil vizier lookin dood who doesnt really have much personality shown yet except being a sycophant to her anti gargoyle shit, and like.. from his character design you totally expect he’s gonna be evil. *shrug* * Niceman mc guardman who treats Goliath like a friend and is being all activist for gargoyle rights amoung the court. But also he’s really low ranking apparantly, and doesnt have any power to affect change. It seems that he’s been treated like shit by these royals for a long time... * One innocent nice kiddo who wants to hug the gargoyles for saving him, but his jerkass mum is all OMG HOW DARE YOU TOUCH HIM HEY EVERYONE YOU SAW THEY TOTALLY ATTACKED US RIGHT Like seriously he just fuckin tries to start a conversation with the younger gargoyles, and is all ‘youre my hero!’ and they have a nice talk that establishes a load of worldbuilding like how gargoyle culture doesnt have any form of names and Goliath only has one cos the humans gave it to him. Screw you, worldbuilding interruption predjudice mom!

Okay so now we have our premise, and we see some mysterious guy in a hood sneaking out of the castle to ally with some raiders who wanna overthrow the country and steal all its riches. Also a minor scene of the teen and kid gargoyle group being sent to their room for 'causing trouble’ even though seriously the humans started it >_> So like.. we all know where this is going, right? Its a pretty big omen when you give us a contrived circumstance for the children to be the only ones who can be safe from this impending catastrophe... And the voice was very gruff and deep so its probably not the princess doing this shit, plus duh she already has all the power so why would she need to stage a coup? Really, the question now is just what vizier man’s motives are for wanting to betray her!

... EXCEPT

This is where the story gets fuckin great, and also where My Soul Is Pained

hey guess who was really the traitor? its.... nice guard man! fffffuck its sooo creepy when the princess is running for help and she’s like HEY THANK GOD YOURE HERE and then he has this big slasher smile and reveals his plan T_T And like.. he’s still.. not really evil?? Nobody here is evil, except the personalityless plot device raider guys who just exist to set up this circumstance. The princess is an ungrateful predjudiced asshole, but she’s beloved by her human subjects and i mean., she never actually does anything evil, she’s just rude and nasty. And the vizier was a complete red herring and actually all his mysterious shit was just him hiding a crush on the princess, so he breaks down when he thinks she’s dead :( And then guard guy also wasnt lying about caring about the gargoyles. he tried to get them to leave so that only the humans would die, but then like.. his ambition overtook that one shred of loyalty he had to his friends. He thought he could get through all this without having to kill them, but when the raider guy insists upon it he ends up agreeing rather than lose his chance at stealing the throne. And then its really slimy how he’s all ‘BUT I DIDNT INTEND THIS ORIGINALLY, ITS ALL RAIDER GUY’S FAULT’ after goliath shows up and cries over the corpses of his family, like seriously what the fuck dude dont try and weasel out of consequences for your actions. But still it feels like he was once a genuinely good guy who just gave in to his selfishness and abandoned his morals?? And i mean its super justified for him to be angry at how he was treated by the princess, and to want to affect change in this society. WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU!! Seriously its so fuckin surprisingly deep to have some guy who’s a fakeout hero in the first damn episode. And some guy who’s a villain just because he stooped to any means necessary to carry out his once-heroic ambitions. Instead of changing society for the sake of the people, he’s sacrificing all the people just to gain the throne, and forgetting why he ever wanted it! SERIOUSLY HOW DID YOU MANAGE TO BE EVEN WORSE THAN ASSHOLE PRINCESS

so yeah then the plot just goes in SO MANY UNEXPECTED DIRECTIONS to get to the same expected conclusion! Instead of just being cursed by the bad guys, the gargoyles were betrayed by the one closest to them, while those bad guys all died innefectually offscreen. And the curse wasnt even an evil act! It happens because of a REALLY COMPLEX GREY MORALITY SITUATION, where the princess and vizier were gonna be sold off for cash, but then because the gargoyles tried to save them the guard guy decided to just execute them instead. So after their triumphant rescue of all the villagers, they find the vizier man sobbing over his dead love, and then he tells them its THEIR FAULT IT HAPPENED. And he doesnt want to live without her, so he makes a really stupid reckless decision and decides to attack the last few living gargoyles. And like RIGHT AFTER he casts the spell on them, he finds out the princess is still alive and its all oh Fuck What The Fuck Have I Done So vizier man tries to undo the curse, but his book of spells got damaged in the fight and (OF COURSE) coincidentally the page about curse lifting is gone. Cue fuckin Everyone Crying. SO FEW EVIL PEOPLE IN THIS STORY SO MANY EVIL ACTS DONE BY THOSE WHO THOUGHT THEY WERE THE HERO like even the vizier and princess realize they were wrong about their anti gargoyle bigotry after they have to see the consequences of it here but its just WAY TOO LATE FOR THAT

and then yo the EVEN MORE UNEXPECTED AND SAD BIT cos our protagonist gargoyle was the only one who didnt get cursed thats unexpected and he basically COMMITS SUICIDE TO BE WITH HIS FAMILY THATS KINDA MORE UNEXPECTED Well its more like a g-rated suicide metaphor?? Everyone thinks the curse will never be broken, so he curses himself too cos he cant live without them. And its really depressing cos even though we know they all eventually get uncursed, so many others just straight up died and also theyll never see their human friends again and also the castle is all destroyed so the fate of the kingdom is really ambiguous too?? we just know that the now-redeemed princess and vizier are gonna do anything they can to protect their citizens and atone for what happened. and they take the last few gargoyle eggs that werent destroyed, and promise to raise them with all of the love and respect they nevr gave poor goliath... and seriously they never say whose children those eggs were but he’s like the only person left who could have given them a proper gargoyle childhood. So like its morally grey that goliath is choosing death together with the people he knows, rather than living and trying to ressurect his dying civilization. i absolutely wouldnt blame him for it though, its not like suicide is an active choice, he wasnt exactly in his right mind at the time! But its just REALLY NICE AND COMPLEX! And raises a lot of questions about what will happen to these new gargoyles who’re raised by humans, how different would they be if goliath and co met them someday? i really hope thats actually a plot thats gonna happen, i cant rememebr ANYTHING about this show lol...

so yeah theres all the FUCKIN COMPLEX DARK MORAL AMBIGUITY IN ANCIENT ENGLANDSCOTLANDGERMANYKINDA and it is AMAZING and it absolutely baffles me how they ahve such great plots when other parts of the writing are kinda awful standard disney cliches?? like seriously they wasted so much screentime on Comic Relief: A Fat Guy Exists. Seriously he just.. exists. They show these really slow and overanimated scenes of him just.. eating things. not even exaggerated or comedic. he ate one pie, lets all make fun of him for twenty minutes but man, no show in the 90s was perfect, lol! this is still pretty damn great! AND VERY EMOTIONAL

oh oh oh and i didnt mention THE OTHER CRYING BIT cos the guard guy gets a cliche disney villain death, the whole accidentally falling off a cliff due to his own actions, so the protagonist isnt morally responsible for killing a man but then what makes it a really unique scene is that THATS NOT THE MORAL STANCE THE SHOW TAKES goliath WANTED to kill that damn man or, at the very least, give him some sort of punishment for what he’d done goliath has a fucking huge despair moment over the fact this villain man died and he wasnt the one who did it “you took everything from me, even my chance at revenge” cue ugly sobbing as this buff ass demon man screams at the heavens and cradles the stone dust that was once his damn wife what the fuck show why are you doing this to me

ITS REALLY GOOD

[witchling-guidence]

How i began using Reiki.

So i am not so sure how long this story willbe but lets begin. It all started... naw im kidding lol. This is how it happened. I love to pick up books about things that for a gut feeling i have to have. There is no real reason. Oops i am jumping a little ahead.... (Past) Ok so, when i would be in pain in like my arm or leg or something i was always able to put my hands on the spot and, the only way to describe it was iron out what hurt. Be it muscle or nerve, i would use my energy to iron out the pain. But i only knew how to do it for me. Also i didnt want to tell people cuz my family can be really... eh when comes to the spiritual side, except my mom. Anyway i still kept it silent. (Back to the book) so i had this gut feeling to pick up this book, and an even stronger one to read it and absorb its message. Well if you know me by everything i ever say you know i go with my gut on everything. So i picked up the book and my gut, my soul everything yelled BUY THIS NOW. So i did. I went home and began reading, and reading and reading. I learned why my hands were always warm. Why i could fix my hurt areas and that i could do it for others. I looked at the palm of my hands, Fae hands. That was what they were called. They were always warm and the only time they werent was when i was sick. But other than that it could be 30 degrees outside and my hands would be so warm, like they were 100 degrees. And not in a weird way but the rest of me would be freezing and my hands would be polar opposite. Constant heat in my palms, they dont change unless i am sick and then only by 10 degrees. Enough for me to know, i cant use Reiki. Then i asked my husband. Can i use you as a guinea pig? Imagine the shock when that is the sentence out of my mouth 😂 but he listened and understood. How can i practice if i only know how to do so on myself. So he agreed. The next time he was hurt, he wouldnt take medication, we wouldnt go to the doctor and he wouldnt apply heat. Nothing, he would just let me do it. So he twisted his back about a week later, and he was in pain, bad pain. I asked him to lay down on his tummy and i began to close my eyes and placed them along his upper back. I didnt touch his skin, i needed to find his energy. This was before my wings, so a bit harder to do then now. I found it and searched for the problem. I see black where the pain is. And so i focus on that location. Now my style changed to suit how i learned and became better. So in the beginning it was finding the location, using one hand to put in white energy and with the other make a ball of the black energy. And after about 25 minutes of doing this. My husband got up and i waited like a nervous wreck. He looked at me and smiled wide, 'what did you do?' Why? I was so nervous. 'I feel great the pain is gone.' Your lying to make me feel better. He got up, an was unable to move very far towards his left without wincing or giving up. And all he did was turn to his left with ease. Truth me when i say i was shocked. No wincing, no giving up just movement left and right. I jumped up and down excited. Since then i developed turning the black energy into a string and pulling it out until i feel resistance. All thw while i am adding energy to the area. Once the resistance hits i tie the black energy into a knot and give it back to the earth. Then i try to pull more out. Usually i can get it all, depending on how much the pain is and how deep it might take a session or two. But it all comes out. I think that is all, any questions are welcome 😀 blessings to you and yours and that is how i got into Reiki 😊😊

[comicteaparty]

February 4th-February 10th, 2019 CTP Archive

The archive for the Comic Tea Party week long chat that occurred from February 4th, 2019 to February 10th, 2019.  The chat focused on Offshore Comic by Stefan Gasic.

Featured Comment:

Chat:

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- WEEK LONG BOOK CLUB START!

Hello and welcome everyone to Comic Tea Party’s Week Long Book Club~! This week we’ll be focusing on Offshore Comic by Stefan Gasic~! (http://www.offshorecomic.com/)

You are free to read and comment about the comic all week at your own pace, so stop on by whenever it suits your schedule! Remember, though, that while we allow constructive criticism, our focus is to have fun and appreciate the comic. Below you will find four questions to get you started on the discussion. However, a new question will be posted and pinned everyday (between 12:01AM and 6AM PST), so keep checking back for more! You have until February 10th to tell us all your wonderful thoughts! With that established, let’s get going on the reading and the chatting!

QUESTION 1. What has been your favorite strip in the comic so far? What specifically did you like about it?

QUESTION 2. At the moment, who is your favorite character? What about that character earns them this favor?

QUESTION 3. Given the comic’s focus on financial markets and all that composes them, what is something this comic has taught you about the subject? Alternatively, what is something you wished you understood better to understand the comic’s comedy?

QUESTION 4. How do you think the comic’s illustrative style and choices help the comedy of the comic? What is one moment where a particular design or image really stood out to you and helped the point the strip was trying to convey?

QUESTION 5. The comic features several recurring subjects like the legitimacy of IQ scores, LLCs, and more. Which of these recurring topics did you like the most? What about it caught your interest?

Stefan G

Hello everyone, 1) Just updated www.offshorecomic.com with a new strip. Check it out. 2) RebelVampire, are your questions intended for me or any new reader? Ciao, Stefan the creator of #Offshorecomic

snuffysam

They're intended for both (still working through the archive)!

keii4ii

Is there a way to get permalinks for individual strips, so I can come back to specific ones at a later time?

Stefan G

Thanks & okay, snuffysam keii4ii, unfortunately there’s no way to get permalinks for individual strips ... I coded the website myself as a side project and am not that good a coder

keii4ii

Oh man, I can relate to that... If I ever get rich, comic website coding and maintenance stuff is the first thing I'll hire someone to do for me

I do like how it loads and makes it easy to read through the archive, for what it's worth.

Stefan G

Thanks for the feedback ... and I totally, totally agree. One could spend a fortune for a coder to take care of all the fixings and stuff ... now I’m learning on the side whenever there’s time left over from work & family.

Stefan G

Answer to Q1 => readers have found the “happiness” strip the best. It’s also one of my favourite ones [succinct & clever & relatable] ...I truly don’t have a favourite strip, but the attached Reto & Urs -strips make me chuckle whenever I read them [I appreciate below-the-waist-humour and/or humour where people are really, really selfish].

lomcia (princess_lom)

1. The newest one is so funny

2. Trader

3. i dont work in office but i cant find nothing to improve that comic, i think the design of characters and humor is on really high lvl 12/10 for me

4. Style is perfect ffor that comic, i wouldnt change it

Stefan G

Answer to Q2 => at the moment my favourite character is the Economist. He’s a genuine IYI [intellectual-yet-idiot] ... which the world is full of and the finance industry in particular. The Economist is easy to write for because I’ve discovered a never ending source of humorous material called the daily financial newspaper ... please find attached also one of my favourite strips

Thank you, lomcia (princess_lom) for your feedback.

lomcia (princess_lom)

your welcome I hope i didnt misunderstood question 3 xD

Stefan G

I think you got everything just right

lomcia (princess_lom)

cool

Stefan G

Answer/comment to Q3 => I’ve spend my professional life in finance, hence, I know every nuance of the industry. However, for the layperson the finance industry [money, banking, insurance, etcetc...] is a big black box of unnecessary complication. My humble attempt with #Offshorecomic is to untangle this complexity and make money related topics more accessible/understandable to anyone ... using humour as my main tool. Finance is more stupid than you think; trust me

I’ll answer the rest tomorrow. Gotta go to now. is like in a totally different time zone and all that Thx again y’all !

RebelVampire

QUESTION 6. Which joke not related to finance did you enjoy the most? What about it made it stand out to you among all the others?

RebelVampire

1) i really enjoyed the life coaching strip about facing reality and lying to yourself. i just really enjoy the bluntness and simplicity by which the self-deception line is delivered. A+ comedy right. 2) i like p-bird because i consider him a much needed counter balance to many of the other characters. he at least has more feet planted in reality. 3) hedge funds. not that i understand them perfectly from the comic, but now theyre more than just a financial word i see tossed around. and despite the very negative absurdist humor regarding them, was still interesting to get some insight into what they actually involved. 4) i think the style overall really balances well with the comedy. a lot of the comedy is reliant on the dialogue, so keeping the illustrations clean, bold, and somewhat simple really helps direct attention to the words. i also really just enjoy the character designs cause every single one really hits that idiot or absurdist mark that needs to be hit. 5) actually i really liked the address of IQ scores. because literally these characters seem like the type whod wind up on r/iamverysmart and use their IQs to talk about how cool they are. so it was kind of nice to see some evidence for that with the subject. that and i always like seeing the concept of IQ being torn apart. 6) i actually liked a lot of the jokes that pertained to the academic sphere in regards to things like publishing and teaching. selfishly it most just stood out to me because academia is something im more familiar with in regards to its simultaneous setup of worthless class structures and cutthroat profs trying to further their careers.

Stefan G

Thank you, RebelVampire, for your thoughtful analysis & feedback I believe that the writing is the most important part in comics ... and the best humorous writing is often blunt & simple [you hit the nail on the head with that comment]. Furthermore, I intentionally designed the strip in a simplistic style in order to A) highlight the writing/gag, B) to save time and C) cuz simple drawings are funny I love to make fun of pompous, self righteous folks ... academics are thus some of my main targets [due to the same reasons I make fun of financial professionals].

Stefan G

Answer to Q4 => My childhood inspiration and spark for cartoons/drawing came from F.Ibanez [Clever & Smart] ... very funny yet simple style. Nowadays I enjoy Dilbert by Scott Adams or the political cartoons from cartoonist Jari Elsil��; also both of them are hilarious without wasting unnecessary lines. I believe a straightforward style highlights the writing and that’s what I’m trying to achieve. Moreover, I love to have backgrounds in my comics [to steer the reader to a particular thought or mood] but hate to draw them and/or dislike it when they clutter the cartoon ... I’m rather happy with a style that I’ve developed over time where I draw the background but reduce the opacity to 25 %. I think that works pretty nice

Stefan G

Answer to Q5 => My favourite themes are 1) anyone predicting the future, 2) mistaking luck for awesome skill and 3) incompetent yet pompous professionals ... there is so much hilarious material right there

Answer to Q6 => I often use the characters Reto und Urs for jokes/strips that are not necessarily financial because they are so endearingly stupid [well, mostly Urs is]. This one makes me chuckle

RebelVampire

QUESTION 7. In what ways have any of the strips changed the way you think about life, finances, or any other topic covered in them? Alternatively, what have the strips portrayed that you wish more people knew?

RebelVampire

(the archive for the chat on Poco Adventures is now available https://comicteaparty.com/post/182650076295/january-28th-february-3rd-2019-ctp-archive)

RebelVampire

QUESTION 8. Of all the parodies and jabs at financial markets and life, which do you consider the most on the nose as far as its representation in the comic goes?

RebelVampire

7) the strips have made me realize in a way that this is another industry where basically theres lots of ridiculous junk going on in the background cause you can never remove human faults completely. cause when it comes to finance theres lots of advanced vocabulary and concepts being thrown around usually, so for someone untrained it can sound intimidating and hard to follow. i think these strips do a great job of humanizing things tho and showing that the concepts arent all that alien cause at the end they were created by humans and reflect the desires of humans in a way. 8) one of my faves that i think is totally on the nose is this one where the economist is telling p-bird about ppl on twitter debating him being ignorant. and that his facts and stuff will prevail but p-bird points out that wouldnt even work on the economist. and the economist goes home confused. i think this is way too true for what its like to argue on the internet and how facts and logic get infinitely buried for the sake of narrative.

Stefan G

Excellent analysis/comments, RebelVampire really constructive. The human element is everywhere and money is such an emotionally laden topic that it’s easy to get confused even without the unnecessary complicated vocabulary ...which is often misused even by so-called “professionals”. If my strip has helped you understand all of that and un-demonised the beast, you’ve made me a very happy man Yeah, the Twitter-Fact-Confusion strip is one of my more relatable strips ... I’ve given up on trying to change people’s minds with facts; if changing minds is possible, it can only be achieved through via emotions. It sounds more logical the other way around but that’s not how we work. Here’s a special academically oriented strip just for you, RebelVampire Enjoy

snuffysam

haven't been able to get all the way through the archive yet, but my answer to both #2 and #8 is the Regional Manager. I love all the characters, but there's something to be said for the simplicity of having a guy literally run around headless.

Stefan G

Thanks , snuffysam. I almost forgot about the regional manager. I have to bring him back to life; I also like him ... by the way, there are 308 strips in total.

Answer to Q7 => I can’t claim that any one strip has changed the way I think about life and/or other things ... however, I do believe that writing & drawing Offshore strips has reinforced in me some of the main ideas from my favourite author, Nassim Nicholas Taleb, who’s books have influenced me deeply [e.g. Black Swan, Antifragile, etc etc] ... luck versus skill, thinking about risk and stuff like that. I regularly come back to his books for inspiration and recommend his books & Twitter -feed. Here are two strips that highlight my point ...sort of

Answer to Q8 => wow tough question ... with 99 % of my strips I genuinely try to convey some message about basic human quirks and/or outright stupidities that actually take place on a regular basis when handling money + and then I add my own personal humours twist to it. Here are a few strips with the message never to buy something you don’t understand [a hint: they always have complicated names]...

RebelVampire

QUESTION 9. What other finance related topics are you hoping to see the comic explore? Which characters are you hoping to see involved with the topic?

Stefan G

Answer to Q9 => As the creator of the strip I’m obviously biased to answer this question, but I’d love to hear what the new readers have to say. I don’t have a particular preference for any topic [except make fun of pompous forecasters ] ... but I feel myself wanting to write & draw more strips for the Markets-Weasel and Reto und Urs. And that’s surprisingly hard to do; forcing it doesn’t work [at least not for me] ... Offshore’s main characters were supposed to be Reto und Urs and somehow P-Bird and the Economist and the trader stole the show. I guess that happens when you get to know your characters better. Funny how that happens ... here’s one nostalgic strip from my early work that I really enjoy

Stefan G

Addition to Q9 => ... I’ve steadily build up an audience on Twitter [@NonMeek] which consist mainly of likeminded financial and/or other professionals ...hence, hearing the viewpoints from anyone outside that sphere would be awesome

RebelVampire

QUESTION 10. What are you most looking forward to in the comic? Also, do you have any final thoughts to share overall?

RebelVampire

9) idk about specific topics, but id like to see the CEO who i think appeared in like one strip. I'm really interested to see the CEO dynamic with the other characters in terms of finance. learn how they view what theyre doing, how they view what the others are doing, etc. but im all for bringing the regional manager back too cause i enjoyed that character as well. a lot of great humor picking fun at how some managerial positions are kind of ridiculous to even exist to a degree. 10) learning more, mostly. overall its nice to see a harder to cover topic in comics. ive enjoyed how approachable and humanized the strips make finances, and how they remind you that professionals can be like this and actually have no clue what theyre doing. @Stefan G that academic oriented strip you shared was actually one of my faves. not necessarily in college, but i see this a lot in the blogosphere where ppl do a thing once and try to pass themselves as qualified experts to deliver advice. XD

Stefan G

@RebelVampire Thanks again for your opinions. Those really help with the development of the strip ... finance is a hard topic indeed and there are no really finance oriented strips out there [that I know of anyway], which is funny cuz the industry is filled with emotions and mind blowing mental errors. I guess people still believe finance & investing is some sort of scientific discipline which it’s really not ... there are hardly any black & white answers to anything even though there’s lots and lots of historical data ... it’s time to fix that myth with Offshore I’m glad you enjoyed that academic strip. It resonated rather well on Twitter too

@RebelVampire [adding to my previous answer] ... I agree that the managers need to be reanimated and given another chance. I’ll try to do that and see how they resonate. I never know beforehand which characters will work and which will fizzle out; e.g. der Compliance Offizier is one of my favourite characters, yet, resonates weakly outside the banking circles ‍♂️ [I love the strip below ].

keii4ii

I would like to see more strips that cracks jokes about this very specific context of finances! Things like that strip about funds blowing up on day 252. I think that gives this comic its own flavor. Readers get to laugh about not just any kind of incompetent people, but incompetent people in this specific field. Readers with no background in finances don't know the context, so more strips that shed light on the context of the jokes would be great.

Stefan G

@keii4ii All valid and excellent points ... I genuinely try to write & design my cartoons in such a way that the joke is understandable even though you don’t know the context. It’s a hard thing to do ... my wife is my toughest critic and she tells me the same as you ... but keep following Offshore and I promise to come up with more stuff like that 252 strip

Answer to Q10 => My ambition with Offshore is to 1) amuse myself first and see if anyone shares my sense of humour [if a cartoon doesn’t amuse me, I don’t publish it]. It’s a splendid way of letting out some frustration from work ... and 2) to make investing & finance more approachable to the layperson by infusing some humour into it in the form of cartoons ... which by the way nobody thought of doing on a serious basis. Weird. However, to produce material on a semi-regular basis I figured that writing only gags/jokes is too much work and/or too shallow of an approach, hence, the characters in the strip need to be interesting/relatable enough in order to create humorous material by mere interaction with each other. That’s easier said than done. I’m quite satisfied with my characters so far but am continuously looking for new interesting characters to add to the strip [either permanently or impermanently]. Like Scott Adams once told me: “The trick with comics is to reflect the reader's own experience. To allow people to say, "That's me!" I’ll conclude with this sneak peek strip [only for you guys] that should relate to the experience of anybody working in a big corporation.

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- WEEK LONG BOOK CLUB END!

Thank you everyone so much for reading and chatting about Offshore Comic this week! Please also give a special thank you to Stefan Gasic for volunteering the comic and creating it! If you liked Offshore Comic, make sure to continue to support it via some of the links below!

Read and Comment: http://www.offshorecomic.com/

Stefan’s Twitter: https://twitter.com/NonMeek

[yeyyitslee]

PURELY FICTIONAL. IT WAS IN MY HEAD. ALTERNATE UNIVERSE ALL TOGETHER. NO HATE. For those ships not only Bughead but Cole/Lili as well. What if Cole and Lili were together in real life? -- Lili has known from the very beginning to not let the hate comments bother her. She knew that clearly when she signed up for this. Her life isnt exactly private anymore since it was announced that she was going to be in Riverdale. Even from the very beginning, her manager already informed her that there will be haters and different mixed opinions, she knew that but that doesnt mean that it still couldnt get to her. "Oh god, this is getting way outta hand." She murmured when she found twenty more hate comments that was she was tagged in. Ewwww b*ghead sucks. @lilireinheart @colesprouse THEY DONT HAVE CHEMISTRY! Please dont let them be endgame! @riverdale @lilireinheart There were alot more hate comments much worse than what she has read, some were saying she wasnt pretty enough for Cole so thats why they aint got chemistry, some were just downright hateful towards their team up which made her feel very upset and confused. Lili scrolled down, as much as it upsets her, it seems like she could not stop reading. She was so engrossed with what she has reading that she did not notice someone coming in her house. She yelped when she felt someone wrap their arms around her waist but immediately relaxed when she turned to see who it was. "Damn it Cole, you scared me." She exhaled, placing a hand over her heart which was beating like crazy. The raven haired actor smirked and gave her a small kiss on the nose, noting how cute she looked. "What ya doin?" Cole asked when he noticed her holding her phone. Lili realising that she still had her twitter opened, she locked her phone and threw it on a sofa nearby. "Nothing." Lili denied but did not sound convincing enough for Cole to believe her. " I could read you like a book Lil so quit lying and tell me whats going in that that pretty head of yours." Using his hands, he grabbed her waist and turned her towards him making their bodies pressed against each other and placed his hands on the small of her back. She knew better than to lie to him so she took deep breaths before looking into his green eyes and placing her hands on his chest. "I-I have been reading some comments in twitter and-" she silenced by Cole immediately knowing what it was all about. "Baby, what did I tell you about reading those tweets?" She looked down sheepishly, "To not." Lili heard him sigh and used his fingers to lift her chin up and look him in the eye. "There are always going to be hate on the internet everywhere. We cant let it affect us." Lili wanted to argue, "But the fans, they dont want us to be together on screen. They're sending us so much hate-" "And most of them are also sending us love. Seriously have you checked your tumblr or instagram lately?" Cole chucked but continued. "Don't focus on the people who do nothing but hate and appreciate those who appreciates our work." Lili knew that Cole was right, "Yeah you're right. I'm just a little overwhelmed but yes I'll focus more on the positive feedbacks." Cole smiled and gave her a kiss which made Lili's toes curl and felt him whisper against her lips, "I missed you." She smiled and pulled away from him, "Missed you more. How was the road trip with KJ?" He laughed, "It was fun but I had to cut it early. Couldnt stand being away from you for too long." Lili blushed. Sometimes she wishes that they could announce their relationship in public so she could show the world how much she loved this man but she knew that it would seem unprofessional in their parts and it wouldnt sit well with most of the fans plus both wanted to keep things as private as possible though they got to be more careful since someone already saw them in the movies once. For now they would happily stay in their little bubble. That night, Lili agreed for Cole to stay overnight since he was clearly exhausted from the road trip. She changed into her comfy Pjs and gave Cole a clean shirt of his and his boxer shorts which he made sure to leave some of his clothes just incase he was going to stay over. Both her in the verge of falling asleep when Lili suddenly had a thought, "What if Jughead and Betty aren't endgame?" Cole, still feeling drowsy, answered his girlfriend, "We dont know *yawns* what will happen with their story. They're good for each other and I hope that they are but-" Cole paused and smiled, "In case they werent, at least you and I are." "What?" Lili smiled obviously knowing the answer but she still wanted to hear it from him. She feels him tighten his arms around her, securing her safely while her head laid against his chest. He plants a soft kiss on her forehead. "Endgame." --- I know im trash but I couldnt help it. Literally just wrote this in the train. Just humor me why dont you?

[readfelice-blog]

Moominland Chronicles Siebzehn: infatuation is not a gift

Blog guide: all italics are my wednesday edits.

Before we begin:

Anyone who suddenly might be unexpectedly flush, my crowdfunding campaign has less than 24 hours left

https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/acht-ocho#/

Well then, hello, no more letters lets return to moominland.

You might remember in my last chronicle that my bloody tale of woe was still in action, after many pills and spending time with a really wonderful gynaecologist who spoke about death with me - following my lead, (she didn't open an appointment with a death chat, I don’t think doctors are normally allowed to even think the word) it was finally determined I have chlamydia.

Surprise!

What fun eh?

I’m on antibiotics now, it should be gone by this weekend, and the bleeding stopped about 2 weeks ago after I started a combination of blood clotting pills and the contraceptive pill. My suspicions are it was stress, hormones and chlamydia that caused the gushing of blood, it would be an act of suicide on chlamydias part to deprive itself of so much iron, which it needs to survive.

So as inferred previously, the NHS would of caught this sti months ago, I would not of cost my insurance company thousands of euros or been subject to various ultrasound spy dildos and gleeful practitioners telling me I was pregnant rubbing their hands together in anticipation of jumping into my vagina, or surgeons hysterically clutching scalpels, so overjoyed to be operating again.

BUT, if I had dealt with my insurance issue diligently, and gotten a proper gynaecologist much earlier and done my research carefully, AND LEARNT GERMAN, this would also not have happened, so I can't deny my own responsibility in all of this either. I still retain my idiot abroad status, which I need to work on to be a proper functioning expat.

So, I’m lying in bed a bit nervous because I’m printing my first copies of my publication tomorrow to fly them to italy at the weekend: it’s Tuesday as I type this horizontal on my phone. As I'm away and just embarking on the next chapter of my project, the making it really real bit, I thought it best to get this log drafted and up before I go.

They’re done, some of the pages are wonky, but they look great actually.

Follow the diary of this project here:

https://felicezhukov.net/bocem-diary

(Because death lurks round every corner, it’s best not to have any unfinished business.)

It’s been quiet, I’ve been napping a lot and taking pills and cutting down salt, my social life has utterly ground to a halt aside from the occasional quick drink and my trips to the studio to practise the live element of this project, which has been revealing itself to me and making me consider myself in a new light, somewhere between a musical performer, a stand up comedian and just all out weirdo, but I’ll refine this at a later date.

What I want to talk about this week are the letters to Nicolás Jaar, but not as a letter to him. As thoughts directed into the macrocosm of the internet.

Because I finished ‘I love Dick’, at first I wrote a very clumsy synopsis and realised many of the critical details had passed me by, academic references sifting out of my mind like flour and swirling away into the air. It has made me realise I need to study what I read, but again that's a thought to refine later.

Still, I was left with a very strong impression which fermented inside me like kimchi and whilst sat in my kitchen earlier between courses, my eyes resting on candlelight, it struck me, the protagonist of the book, Chris, was bullying dick, suddenly it was crystal clear that her infatuation was never weathered by Dicks resistance, that Dick could be curious and still also be anxious about her attention, that victims make mistakes to. But she ploughed on, regardless of his protests, for a long time.

Now, my letters to Nicolás Jaar only lasted a matter of months in comparison, and did not include any colluders, but they were still deeply personal and troubled. Week after week I decried the suffering in my life, the cruelties I was facing, the emotional carnage of my break up and my alcoholism, addressing them to someone I’d formed an infatuation about solely on the impressions of his public persona and his music.

When I was 15 I was obsessed with the doomed relationship of courtney love and kurt cobain, as a the eternal odd one out with nowhere to go in the countryside I entertained myself by creating a character called enigma, who lived in New York. I drew hundreds of drawings of her in different attire that looked more like fashion illustrations than anything descriptive, my mum used to get frustrated at this waste of talent bound to repetition, and enigmas neck was always to long.

Enigma had a lover, called jake, chiselled jawline, a genius musician with a tortured soul, he seduced and slept with all of New York’s cultural elite, but he loved enigma. Though they stayed plural and their relationship was often fraught, they were absolutely bound together, forever destined to explode and then reassemble.

Jake didn’t kill himself.

That fantasy has taken new form, enigma looks like me now, but it is the foundation of every infatuation I develop.

Nicolás Jaar was in the middle of a grueling international tour, I mangled what I read about him into some kind of twisted connection between us, he was travelling the world to the backdrop of me destroying every last vestige of my life,in all senses of the word, selling and trashing my life’s work and possessions, leaving my husband, leaving my home of over 10 years.

Then In its closing chapters I retold and fictionalised a very unsettling story about murder and submersion, the whole thing taking an unsavoury twist with me paralleling beauty and the beast, what if the beast had killed beauty?

I was the beast.

But aren't we all the beast sometimes?

I can only imagine how tiring and unsatisfying months of touring can be for someone creative who wants to innovate and explore in their work, it would be my personal hell, that rotation of groupies, hangers on and gargantuan crowds, barely a moment to breathe and personal space so diminished that you stop knowing who you are any more. In the midst of this to be receiving unsolicited attention from a mentally damaged stranger on twitter, sometimes 2 or 3 times a week, could only serve to heighten the stress you're already experiencing and cause you to disassociate yourself from your inner core even more.

In my mind I was pleading to be saved by devoting all my attention to him, in my unhinged state I felt like by baring everything to a man I’d never met he’d be so disarmed he'd surely empathise, find solace in my garbled stories of misadventure and anxiety.

But now I see how selfish it was, to project on to another human, after all dick was just a human to, with all his own baggage to cope with, though infatuation can amplify its object the reality is noone is really built to cope with that kind of attention, not Dick, not Nicolás Jaar.

Though it was an interesting exercise in some way and will always be part of my oeuvre, probably more definitively so because it exists on the internet, so if the walls don’t come crashing down it is relatively protected, it wasn't kind. I was not trying to help Nicolás Jaar, or create something nourishing, it was selfish. Infatuation is, at its core, selfish, the object is merely that because there is no connection, or at least in this example. There was never any exchange between us, just me pouring all my illness into him blindly.

And I know this well because I have suffered with others becoming infatuated by me on more than one occasion, it’s not pleasant.

In Turin, on stage, he seemed so broken and at odds with himself during his set, he appeared to be really unhappy, my most noble act in this whole enterprise has been to stop writing him letters and focus on myself. I do feel angry with the former me though there is no use regretting what has already passed and life moves on as surely as the sun and moon pass each other in the sky.

In the end i cant punish myself, to err is humane, to forgive divine, I must forgive myself as well.

I’m glad im returning to Turin a more advanced and thoughtful person, I’m going to order in a restaurant this time (well, maybe, but I’m definitely going to buy chocolate) and have a nap before I go out on saturday, I’m going to go to Italy this time, not to stand wretchedly at the feet of a man who owes me nothing and asks for nothing from me. Because as someone grappling with their own fears about performing: this kind of incident is one of the key aspects of what I am terrified to illicite, so i say to you my readers, that I'm sorry to Nicolás Jaar and I will never repeat this journey with any future influences in my life.

I wonder if Chris Kraus has ever apologised to Dick, I’m going to give it a google now I think then try to get some sleep.

Goodnight all, next week I’ll regale you with my Italian trip and who knows what else.

Should ever our paths cross, I don't think I could be like chris, I feel like I’m done exposing him, so it may very well be that whatever ending this story could have, this here will be the end in terms of its written account, I might never type the words Nicolás Jaar on tumblr again.

And by the way, I’ve already uploaded my album, because actually I detest exclusivity, it’s free to download and publically available on 2 of my music based accounts, it’s not hard to find, trust me.

[quonit-aceattorney]

4-1 Reaction

Rules:

Q = Me, Quonit.

BF = Bardic Feline, the friend that made me spend 30 dollars on the game and whom I am messaging

I don’t use those when I send the messages close enough my username doesn’t appear.

Any typos (unless they are funny and part of the conversation) will be fixed.

Index

Q: new game

Turnabout Trump hmmm

Q: wooohhhhh this looks weird

it's a lot more animated so far

painter

paintings

candle!

sad music

spiders and sards

who loose

bottle

blood

Q: cards

RING

RING

RING

who is in trouble

AH THE BACKGROUND WERE REDONE

i need to know the year dammit

well april 20... 7 years after... april 20 2028

Apollo!!!

who is this dude he looks ever so slightly recognizable

Q: one moment let me look at the court record and that book button i wanna press all the things before i listen to this conversation

YAY EXAMINING THE EXAMINED IS BACK

aw apollo is very happy with his job

wohhhh i can also slide the thing instead of pressing the arrows on the side

dammit i recognize this name... hmmm...

that phoenix guy person or something...

victim alright

BACK TO THE CONVERSATION

NO I WANNA PRESS THE BOOK BUTTON

THAT'S A SAVE BUTTON!!! YESSSS

Q: and it asks me if i wanna go to the title screen instead of just taking em there!!! this isawesome

Q: Apollo is great so far

APOLLO IS FINE

Kristoph: Don't say you're fine quite so much shut up

ya maybe the client should introduce himself to me

Apollo: The defendant has been accused of murder what other things should people be accused of in this game

hello stupid head introduce yourself to me

Stupid head Phoenix stupid: So you're- Apollo: Fine! I-I'm fine! APOLLO IS FINE

yes Apollo is now mr.fine

Phoenix you have an odder name you can't say that

Q: Apollo! Be confident!

apollo is still great

i like the new font

THE FAR SHOTS

BF: Apollo is so great

Q: NO

THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE PAINTED AND BRIGHTER whatever

hey judge

one moment let me listen to this awesome music

omg it's window payne

BF: And “I’m fine!” Is basically his catchphrase as I’m sure you’ve noticed

Q: i like that phrase

BF: And you’ve no doubt been introduced to the concept of his “Chords of Steel” workouts. (Basically he yells a lot to pump himself up)

Q: oh! i was wondering if he made that up th get out of something but alright.

BF: With that in mind, you should know that there is totally official art of Apollo in like the Defendant’s lobby or something, DOING his Chords of Steel exercise

Q: yessss

BF: (I.E. screaming into the “camera”)

Q: i wanna see

I have this grudge against Gavin already for some reason. That is just the emotion he evokes from me.

BF: While Kristoph sits on the couch just behind him, looking wholly undisturbed

BF: With earplugs in his ears

Q: yessss

STATE YOUR NAME STUPID

SEE THE JUDGE KNOWS HIM

FINALLY

BF: Hahaha gonna let you form your own opinions on Kris, I have very strong ones

Q:

alright haha.

Q:

im mad at him

BF: Hobo Phoenix is kind of a troll

BF: He’s basically regular Phoenix with his sarcasm filter turned off.

Plus some stuff I can’t talk about because spoilers

Q: ah alright

grape juice: I remember something about thing being said before when i read something on 2-4

Q: fine if it's gambling we can focus on that later RIGHT NOW WE ARE TALKING ABOUT MURDER

Q:

Payne: :something something stupid: and impress women Me: nah he doesn't look straight to me

Q: 

Payne: Better than a defense attorney who can't defend Window Payne is the worst of everybody here so far

BF: Payne has always looked a bit like Riff Raff from Rocky Horror in this one.  It’s the hair...

Q: I've noticed...

Gavin: Are you alright? You're sweating bullets.

Apollo: Bullets!? Where!?

yay! they let most of the tutorial be optional

Q: im in doubt so i will press everything

Phoenix that's a benie you don't hide your face with it that's not how it works

hehe Phoenix still easily beats winston

Q: wait how did phoenix become a hobo didn't he get half a million dollars at the end of the third game

wait no i don't ask questions like that that's spoilers

BF: hahahaha i wouldn't say he was rich at the end of game three (or not that I remember), but he was still in a good place.

and yes, how he got HERE is MAJOR spoilers.

Q: just gonna wait and see then

Gavin everything is poetic to you

BF: hahaaha Kris has quite the dramatic streak, it's true. lD  And a love of flowery language

Q: I'll expect that to continue then

Q: :0 i think i found a contradiction. I am very proud of myself. now to see if it works

it worked!

hehe! Apollo yelling objection throught he text box

Payne's hair swoosh

Q: Wright your phone is still outdated af

BF: Phoenix? Upgrade his phone? heaven forbid!

Q: who is this witness

BF: a lady with a mid 00's meme for a name

Q:

oh boy

Q:

Judge: Where is the witness?? Payne: I surmise that she has been frightened by the defense's demonic looking horns HAH

Olga Orly hmm

HEY LOOK A PHOTO FROM THE SCENE OF THE MUDER >:(

Q: 

Ogla: That night, customer asked me to deal cards for a game is that a typo or am i missing something

nah this seems to be a recurring theme so i guess not

BF: she's supposed to be speaking with a very stereotypical broken English type Russian Accent hahah

Q: ohhh

if this photo is true why is the grape juice on the other side of the table

BF: http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/o-rly     Also, because this meme is old

Hmmmmmm

Q: trying to go to the link

Q: one moment

Q: i need to go eat give me a second

BF: okaaaay

Q: back

i ended up accidentally pulling out the SD card and has to play back to where i was

Apollo: It's already April. How could it be cold? Well 1st off they were in a basement and 2nd off what state are you in

oh ya the meme link

OH I get it now haha.

Q: O RLY your testimony is WRONG i have the autopsy report!

Apollo: :When objecting: Oh really? when did this game come out

Q: hehe Apollo looks very happy with himselfQ: if he played the whole time with a hand on a locket, then how come it isn't on him when he diedQ: dammit phoenix

wtf

what is the photo

wtf why cant i see it

dammit

Q: I highly doubt this once again because the grape juice is on the wrong side of the table if phoenix was loosing

Q:

Apollo: Methinks the judge watches too many movies i wouldn't be surprised

Q: my computer flashed the blue screen of death for some reason... thank god i already finished scrolling all of the way up there yesterday

Q: Otherwise: Gavin what the hell do you want me to do what is wrong with it

photo do you know??? yes it does :D

Q: test

dammit

Q: i was sending a bunch of messages but they apparently didn't go through. I'm getting them now

Gavin: It's almost as if you figured it out by yourself i'm still mad at you for no reason at all don't say stuff like that SEE PHOENIX WAS WINNING. MORONS. Q: Winston's hair is hilarious that is an absolutely awful pun Q: but somebody already said there couldn't have been a cheat because of the cards Q: who cares if i have any idea how poker works or now *not Q: ...not here aren't 5 aces... *NO THERE Q: I'll take the victim's hand. I'm pretty sure it's normal fro there to be 4 red cards and 1 blue... right? nah OLGA WHAT THE HECK Q: :0 THE INTENSE BATTLE MUSIC PLAYING sounds like a remix of the first. oh no! She fell over! Now she won't be able to catch her plates!

so BACK TO GAME

Also i have decided that i am 96% certain that this daughter person is Pearl because i really dont think he had a kid in those 7 years

I want 50 cents if i am right

PHOENIX WHAT IS IT YOU AREN'T GUILTY

Q:

Payne: Raising objections when you are about to get off the hook?!? well I mean... for somebody like Phoenix i guess it makes sense. He wants the whole truth discovered. whatever im probably being dumb

Q: this is interesting

I've also decided i forgive phoenix for being mean and stupid

quonit-aceattorney

uhuh

i don't... crap i need to figure out when the cards were swapped now or im dead

05/18/2018

quonit-aceattorney

back

quonit-aceattorney

Window Payne is so confused haha

quonit-aceattorney

Gavin is doing the anime glasses thing

FINALLY I CAN SEE THE PICTURE

THANK YOU

DAMMIT

eh wahtever

quonit-aceattorney

phoenix im still mad at you give me a reason to forgive you for exlisting

Q: savepoint. That music was awful weird.Q: o rly is a new person nowQ: how dare you even though i haven't seen him in 7 years I will still protect phoenix from evil people

I'm still bad at him but i would give him cookies

Q: aw she called Phoenix' hat cute

Q: wait there was something inverted

what

ya no you're a lying jerk

THIS IS TERRIFYING

Q: what the fuck

Q: no, Phoenix called the cops!

Q: uhhh well im not sure who is colorblind here

but it's not phoenix or the o rly girl so... i have no idea??? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME

Q: and it's not somebody who was already there because it was a fourth person???

frick

uhhh

Q: when playing this all i feel like im doing is embarrassing myself. What do you want me to dooooo

Q: holy shit my 2nd guess was right

Q: dammit Gavin why

see i knew i had a grudge agaist you for no reason, now i have a reason

Payne is not used to turnabout like this

Q: hmmmm ya why not. I am the defense attorney i make the rules

OF COURSE I WOULD BETRAY YOU. YOU'RE MEAN I KNOW IT!@

Q: NO GAVIN I LIKE PHOENIX MORE THAN YOU

Apollo: Why can't I have a normal trial!? Because you are officially antiquated with Phoenix now: You will never have a normal trial. You have been cursed.

Q: SO NOW both the card and the fingerprints makes sense! Thank Wright for telling me this in the MIDDLE OF THE TRIAL

Q: phoenix the bottle is empty

Q: 

Mr.Gavin: Perhaps a fifth person came and took it out? Oh, and a sixth person could've helped!

shut up you were there

Q: I've been stuck for like 20 minuets now

Q: stupid game

whyyy

i found a contradiction like 30 minutes ago and it did NOTHING ANYWHERE

Q: NOTHING ELSE IS DOING ANYTHING EITHER

I HAVE AN EVIL GUY SITTING NEXT TO ME AND SOME DUDE I USED TO KNOW NOT GIVING ME STRAIGHT ANSWERS

Q: All of the characters in this game suck and I sound stupid when i try to predict things

Q: like how am i supposed to know anything im just making stupid claims when i have absolutely nothing

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT'S STUPID

Q: LATER IT JUST LOOKS STUPID BUT  IT REALLY ISN'T WITH THE KNOWLEDGE I HAD RIGHT

Q: gah everybody from this game still sucks

IT'S BEEN FORTY MENUTES

BF: I think when you are that stuck, you are officially allowed to take a peak at a guide

Q: THANKS

bleh i hate using them but it has been NEARLY AN HOR

HOUR

BF: This one is weirdly tricky for a Tutorial case!

Q: at first I was like "Well it's a tutorial case but all of them get harder with each game" and then i remembered this came out years later and is kinda like a rebootish thing and is kinda for new players and it's dumb how hard this is

Q: looked at the guide for a second for the very specific thing: I feel stupid >:(

Q: HOW DID I MISS THAT >:(

STUPID HAT

before you sent a message I was writing something about why i decided i hate evreybody from this game

BF: Hahahaha it’s okay. I can’t count the number of times these games have made me feel that way

Q: ...stupid...stupid game making me look stupid... stupid...

BF just UGHHH THIS IS SO EASY NOW THAT I KNOW

Calm down, breath

Q: I LOOKED OVER ALL OF THE PHOTOS ALREADY HOW DID I MISS IT

okay one moment

BF: It’s not always easy to work out what kind of logic the game wants you to follow

BF: It’s got nothing to do with how smart you are

In that regard, it’s like an older style adventure game

Q: alright...

I forgave him and only him he's the only one who did nothing wrong

Gavin you are the worst of everybody in this room and saying that makes me feel better

now stop being mean to phoenix even if he is lying

Q: yesss phoenix is being useful. Tell me about this conversation

Q: NOW I REMEMBER WHY THAT GAVIN GUY LOOKS SLIGHTLY FAMILIAR

(Edit: In reference to this comic)

Q: At least i think that was him in that comic... i dunno I think that is where i remember him slightly from

oh no i saw a stupid comic how could i get so many spoilers oh nooooo

Q: hi top hat girl! I forgive your existence!

is the card this girl gave me a 5 of hearts

nope it's an ace with blood on it! Thank you girl! Also i forgive your existence because I'm pretty sure i remember you were adopted

I’Q: I'm revealing all of the spoilers I know at first so that i don't feel like m hiding them later

like for example: Godot having poor vision. I felt guilty hiding it. so i'm not going to hide probably spoilers I know with this game

BF: Hahaha that was him!

Q: yaaaay

Q: I think the first thing that made me not like him though when u started playing is that he was smiling and didn't seem to change his expression... like everybody else did and he was just kinda sitting there being the same and giving me tips and i have never liked that from this game... for some reason...

Q: Gavin that testimony is full of crap

BF: Kristoph and his ^_^ haha

Q: STOP SMILING AND BEING QUIETISH AND GIVING APOLLO TIPS YOU FREAK ME OUT IT'S LIKE I HIT YOU WITH A SLEDGEHAMMER AND YOU FALL DOWN AND THEN YOU GET UP AND SMILE AND PUSH YOUR GLASSES UP AND SAY SOMETHING THAT SOUNDS SMART BUT IS FULL OF LIES

I have trust issues in this game apparently

BF: I will say this; Kris, for all that he’s meant to be this totally cool under pressure Attorney (aka Coolest Defense in the West...pffft...thanks for that, game...) he is remarkably bad about self incriminating

For NO GOOD REASON

:BF I mean, you have to catch him out SOMEHOW but the information that he just VOLUNTEERS

Q: ack. Gavin whyyyy

Q: phoenix is being great. I'm close to forgiving him.

Q: You can argue that this trial is more Kristoph v Phoenix than anything else

Q: Apollo is a newb and this is extremely hard for a tutorial. Why not let him take over some of it?

BF: Lol true

Poor Apollo haha

Q: SORRY YOU COULDN'T HAVE IT EASY BUT YOU'VE BEEN CURSED WITH MAIN CHARACTER OF THE FOURTH ACE ATTORNEY GAME.

Q: I'm not used to this game letting me do this much... like swivel a chair around.

it's like... animated.... I am not used to that

Q: It's a cupboard not a wall you can stand in them if you wanted to

or wasn't there! Smart boy :D

Q: SO THE WINDOW WOULD BE COVERED UP

Q: SECRET PASSAGE of course

Q: Mr Gavin stop it i just pretty much won and you wanna be like "oh nah im super cool not like this effects me in any way because I totally have been hiding something too"

"that would TOTALLY shatter your theory!"

Q:

Phoenix: Don't let him trick you into thinking his explanation is the only legitimate one AS I SAID THEIR ARE OTHER TOTALLY SENSIBLE THEORIES

Q: Kris (because i stopped calling him my his last name): So this is the legendary attorney's famed tactic of misdirection...

see this is what people say when i am winning

Q:

Phoenix: Say apollo, maybe you should examine the bottle maybe you'll find a very specific card in there

Q: ANGRY GAVIN USES LEVITATION

Q: window payne nobody cares just accept it and move on

Q:

Judge: Seven years and you still haven't lost your touch that's nice can he have his badge back?

Phoenix: The second is a man who would tolerate no injectice so you decided on a guy with justice for a last name

CONFETTI FOR PHOENIX WOOO

BF: hhahaaha

at the risk of spoiling something, I'd like you to know that you haven't seen Kristoph's FULL breakdown.

Yet. >:D

Q:

Phoenix: How about you come and work for me YESSSS BACK IN WRIGHT AND CO LAW OFFICES WHERE I BELONG --- I figured!

BF: and yeah, it is...useful to think of him by his first name.

You'll see why in a bit.

Q: Oh ya he has a family... i think i remember something about a brother

that's spoilers I won't ask

BF: :3

Q: APOLLO I KNOW YOU ARE MAD BUT DON'T PUNCH PHOENIX HE'S BEEN ASSAULTED ENOUGH ALREADY

Phoenix: oh and about your uppercut... Try yelling, "Take that!" next time. I find it packs a little more punch ^^^ 100% with phoenix on this one

Q: well that was an awful long beginning. Apollo can we investigate more and talk to people this time?