#i love tags because they make me feel like an influencer
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onlyangel4 1k event - P3. gr63. ab23. SMAU.
trope: soft launch
pairing: alex albon x george russell x reader
faceclaim: maia mitchell
1k event
alexalbon posted a story tagging georgerussell
written: catching up with this one
georgerussell posted a story tagging alexalbon
written: drinks with al before heading off for the triple header
y/ninsta posted a story
written: first fit of the weekend, so ready to support pookie
f1wags
liked by user1, user2, user3 and 73,348 others
f1wags: for his first time since joining f1 george has been accompanied while entering the paddock. actress y/n y/ln was pictured entering the vegas paddock with him ready for media day
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user1: alex albon found screaming crying and throwing up
user2: i bet alex is gutted
user3: my dreams of alex x george have been ruined
user4: everyone talking about alex when we really need to discus how gorgeous y/n is
user5: fr, well done mister george russell
mercedesupdates
liked by user6, user7, user8 and 23,283 others
mercedesupdates: guys george and y/n are the cutest couple ever, george was asked about her in press today and he answered, "yes we have been dating for over a year and i thought vegas would be the perfect place to show her off to the rest of the world, she is the best and i'm sure the fans are going to love her almost as much as i do"
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user6: did anyone see the way alex was smiling so much when george was talking about y/n he is so happy for george it is so cute
user7: george is smitten
user8: they are so fucking cute, it makes me feel sick
georgerussell posted a story tagging y/ninsta
written: p1 in qualifying today all because i have my lucky charm
y/ninsta posted a story
written: race day baby
f1updates posted a story
written: alex albon has been forced to dnf after issues with the car
williamsupdates posted a story
written: y/n ran to go and comfort alex albon after his dnf, i wonder if george knows how close they are
f1wags posted a story
written: y/n and george celebrating his win
georgerussell
liked by landonorris, logansargeant, y/ninsta and 1,293,283 others
tagged: alexalbon. y/ninsta.
georgerussell: convinced that winning was influenced by having my two favourite people by my side this weekend.
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alexalbon: i think that was all your skill, we are so proud of you
y/ninsta: what he said
y/ninsta: think i need to come to more race weekends
alexalbon: please give me some of that race luck my love
landonorris: you three have broken my twitter
y/ninsta: ipad kid
user9: oh my god this is the hard launch of the century
user10: this is so insane
∘•···············•∘ʚ ♡ ɞ∘•················•∘
@bibissparkles
@milkysoop
@hadids-world
@callsignwidow
@barcelonaloverf1life
@queen-of-the-hunt
@piastrams
@kravitzwhore
@a-beaverhausen
@fangirlforever2000
@formulaal
@azeal-peal
@magical-spit
@that-one-little-soybean
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@anotheranotherblogwoah
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@dying-inside-but-its-classy
@vulkaari
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@mbioooo0000
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@exotic-iris13
@natashaalinovaromanoff1984
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@nichmeddar
#f1#f1 x reader#formula 1 smau#f1 fandom#f1 smau#f1 fanfic#formula one smau#formula 1#formula one#f1 social media au#george russell#george russell social media au#gr63#gr63 social media au#gr63 x reader#gr63 smau#george russell smau#george russell x reader#george russell x you#alex albon smau#alex albon social media au#alex albon x reader#alex albon#alexander albon#aa23 social media au#aa23 smau#aa23 x reader
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hey, im assuming its a mistake but just fyi the whole vague "noticing patterns" language is an antisemitic dogwhistle: https://www.tumblr.com/onethirdofimpossible/726829590062006272?source=share
no idea who the account you shared from is, just wanted to pass this on!
Okay so I got this message when I woke up this morning and decided to delete the post until I got around to checking out the OP's blog. Nothing about their blog has anything to do with antisemitic movements or even hints at potential content like that.
The original post is this
It's specifically referring to literature and academia (don't love that it's tagged with harry potter but I know that fandom is still tied up to those circles)
I think we have to be careful about policing speech and "calling out" things that may not actually be there. I get that the point of a dog whistle is that no one is supposed to understand what it means except the Nazis. But these people really aren't as slick as they think they are with this sort of thing.
A good example is the "okay" sign that got co-opted as a white power dog whistle. It's been used pretty obviously by white supremists who think they're being really clever about it but like... they're using it in the middle of a "white power" rally while waving Nazi flags. It's not exactly subtle.
Whereas we also used that sign in scuba diving to signal "okay", with a thumbs up being "ascend" (which confused the hell out of me as chronic "thumb up-er" when I was learning). I'm pretty sure when we're signaling "okay" 20m under the ocean we're not secretly signally "white power". Context is important.
This post and everyone reblogging it is not talking about any sort of conspiracy theory - just how being in a fandom and being excited about something makes you notice patterns and parallels. It's also kind of an "autism meme" too.
But idk... I know when people reach out to "let me know" about something, it's in good faith but it's... frustrating when the context is pretty obviously not that. Being paranoid about dog whistles is kind of the whole point of them.
White supremists/antisemites ect. like having power over others by making them question reality and gaslighting them. But again, they're usually about as subtle as a brick wall about this sort of thing. Not saying they can't be quiet about it sometimes but ... it usually isn't hard to spot. Especially on personal blogs.
Maybe I'm just tired that leftist spaces continue to try to tone police and "call out" their own in-groups *just in case* someone might be a secret Nazi while the real actual Nazis and Christian Nationalists are quite literally taking over the American government (which affects the entire world, especially countries where I live like Australia that are allies with the US and extremely influenced by their politics).
And actual Nazis aren't even using dog whistles any more, they're marching in the streets loud and proud because they feel empowered enough to do so...
So idk... maybe lets focus on that and work on mobilising and organising against what is going to be a really rough 4 years.... Though I wouldn't even be surprised if it goes beyond that, looking at past history and what happens when fascism takes power...
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good omens this, good omens that.
what if i can't sleep now, huh? what if all my thoughts are about good omens and i can't just lie down and sleep because i start thinking about good omens and it makes me scroll again, huh? what will you say then, mr. gaiman?
i wake up and the first thing i do is think about good omens. i turn on my magical pc and can't do anything because all i can think of is good omens.
i had a dream some time ago that there was a horror good omens game AND I'LL BE FUCKING DAMNED if i lie and say i didn't wake up wanting it more than life.
what if it's 4am and i'm still not over this beautiful love story?
what if this almost month passed me so fast i didn't notice a day? it feels like i watched it for the first time just a week ago.
i just want to say that i love this show. i love this book. i love the fanart and the silly theories and everything.
thank you neil gaiman (my mother from outer space) and terry pratchet, thank you cast, thank you, thhhank you all of the crew, thththhthtthank you.
#i'm on the verge of death#i slept for like 2 hours in these 48 hours or smth#idk how to count time#good omens#good omens season 2#neil gaiman#i love tags because they make me feel like an influencer#i'm gonna get those sleeping pills mate#basically i just want neil gaiman to produce a good omens horror game#the objective is:#find your hubby bubby in heaven and get him the fuck out of there#scrape him off the asphalt and put him in a jar#the put the jar in the oven#bake for 39 minutes.#he's ready#!!!!
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K, y’all. Can we talk about the abandonment issues Uzi may have?
(The info I’m about to share is just my thoughts on all this. I could be right on some parts, and I could be wrong. Again, I’m just sharing what I think based on stuff we’ve seen from the series. Anyways.)
What inspired me to make this was this very moment right here.
“Are you like, gonna leave me?”
You can tell by her voice that she was scared. Scared that the only friend she’s ever had, the only friend that she’s made her whole life was going to leave her, and it certainly didn’t help that N and V got along well with the other students. Doing some activities together, having fun, playing around and stuff.
I think seeing this, this was the starting point of that fear in this episode. (I’m a little certain that in general, this may go back as early as the first episode, but I’ll talk about that in a bit.)
Here’s that fear she shows after investigating a little bit in the cabin, watching her closest friend get along and interacting with her classmates, despite having been a literal killing machine. And to add salt to the wound, he did so in such a short time. Something that she herself has never really accomplished the whole time she’s been in school.
Some jealousy may also be shown because of this, as she was talking to V, who was also doing well interacting with her classmates.
“Just.. so glad you guys fit right in. Suuuper cool.”
As we all know, Uzi certainly isn’t the most popular girl in school (which btw… relatable imo). In fact, Rebecca had said that she was “super unpopular” when she (well, the top half of her anyways, hehe) reunited with a few drones, whom I’m assuming are her friends.
Uzi doesn’t fit in. She’s like an outcast to her classmates. The “freak” of the bunch. She stands out from the rest of them.
“… You freak us out.”
“But mostly bite me!”
(I’m sorry, I wanted to include that second part here, whether it was relevant or not pfbt. Anyways.)
And it’s not just her classmates that practically outcasted her. Hell, her own father left her to be murdered by the same kind of drone that took away his wife (well, technically, the same kind of drone that struck her with nanite acid, leading to him putting her out of her misery, according to himself from the pilot, but anyways). Now, he may have been too terrified to take action and save his own daughter, possibly reliving the trauma of what happened to Nori. He probably couldn’t fathom having to do the same thing he did to his wife to Uzi. But it still does not justify leaving her, his own daughter, for dead. That is a really shitty dad move there, Khan.
(Or I could be overthinking on that part, and Khan could just be a really shitty father, but anyways)
The way Uzi may have taken it, was that he prioritized his precious doors over her. Having put up more doors to keep himself, and everyone else in the bunker, safe from drones like N. She wasn’t important enough to be saved at the moment she needed him most. Her father- the one who’s supposed to have her back, no matter what happened, the one who’s supposed to protect her whenever things go from bad to worse- had left her to be killed by a murder drone. (Possibly, I’m just spitballin here)
Once this happened, Uzi now has no one she can really trust to stick with her, no one she can rely on for support. She has no friends, barely has family; her father isn’t much like a father to her at all, let’s be honest.
(I would say Thad is the only one she kinda had, but if I remember correctly, they barely knew each other to be considered close friends in the pilot. The only reason Thad knew Uzi (or knew of Uzi) was because she’s Khan’s daughter. That was it.)
(Another thing I wanna add is how neglectful as a father Khan has been, even before the pilot. Hell, the posters that we see can speak volumes of how their relationship is. Not to mention he’s never really spent much (if any) quality time with her, too busy focusing on his obsession with doors.)
(One more thing to add: remember when Uzi told Thad one of the reasons she made her sick as hell railgun was to earn her father’s respect? …That’s just another point I wanna make about the infamous Doorman and how well he’s raised his daughter.) :)
So yeah, Uzi never really had anyone close to her in her life, meaning that she didn’t have anyone to trust, either.
Until this goober shows up.
(Or more like, he was about to kill her until she blew his head off, but that’s not the point.)
Of course, we all know they didn’t become best friends right away. Because he’s a disassembly drone, and she’s a worker drone, and… yeah.
If it wasn’t for Khan backing away from the fight and closing the door on Uzi, Uzi probably would’ve been dead right then and there. N probably would’ve killed her and everyone else without much of a second thought. However!
Considering how he told Uzi about V and J, he didn’t have the best relationship with either of them. (his crush on V seemed one-sided, at least in that flashback where V’s character was introduced? And J just straight up insulting him while stepping on him, and talking about how she’d kill him if she were allowed to.) He didn’t seem to have anyone to consider a friend either, at least mutually. For the longest time, it was just N, V, and J, doing their jobs, working together on killing the worker drones and such.
Then, what Uzi said to him about how the company treats the drones had created some doubts. N never questioned JCJenson and their motives until Uzi came along. And because of that, he almost died via a virus put in by J.
Then, after Uzi saves him from dying, and after they both stop V and J from killing the worker drones, N still stood by her side. N has never given her a reason not to trust him after that. He’s been with her the whole time after Uzi banished herself, and he’s never left her like the other drones have.
I’m thinking, after Uzi had banished herself from the colony, N could have left her on her own, he could’ve refused to let her go with him and V back to the landing pod, but he didn’t. (Not only because Uzi had encouraged him to look at the bigger picture, so to speak, but it also would’ve been out of character for N of all people (or robots in this case lol) to just deny her of joining the squad. He’s such a goddamn softy, let’s be real here.)
(Also, I wanna point out that from N’s perspective, she was the one who encouraged him to become an “angsty, rebellious disassembly drone” in the first place. If it wasn’t for her, he would never even question why they’re killing worker drones to begin with (other than to consume the oil for survival, of course). If it wasn’t for her, he’d still be out murdering. She was the one who respected him more than V or J ever did combined. (Well, in V’s case, this would be after her memories became messed up anyways. She did seem to like him when they were worker drones themselves.))
So yeah, this whole time, N has been the only one Uzi had ever really had throughout the series. N has been the only one that didn’t treat her like a freak, nor had insulted or threatened her in any way (lookin at you, V!). And most importantly, he was the only one that never left her at all. He stood by her side, he had her back, and she had his, and they stuck together, especially through the scary stuff.
So going back to episode 4, that was the first time since they’ve met that they were really separated. And the one time they weren’t with each other, Uzi had taken her solver form for the first time, and had killed her own classmates as a result.
Had N been with her while she was investigating stuff, chances of Uzi taking her solver form happening probably would’ve been really low.
Hell, this whole thing probably happened because she was alone, because nobody was with her, and she didn’t want to be left alone again, and she was scared that she was going to be left alone again after seeing N interact with the other students!
TLDR: Uzi probably has abandonment issues, and was scared the only friend she has was going to leave her like everyone else had in her life.
I wanted to make a long rant about this because it’s been on my mind off and on for a while, especially after hearing Uzi’s voice when she asks N if he’s going to leave her (god that really hurts!), and as sucky as I am with words, I wanted to try anyways. Hope y’all enjoyed. 😁😅 (and now to end this on a lil lighter note, here’s an image of a robot huggy)
#some of the posts I’ve read and videos I’ve watched may have helped with me making this post lol#I really wanted to try to put my own thoughts into this without influence from others#but I’m not sure if that worked a hundred percent#but anyways#I think because of this#Uzi may or may not have become my favorite character hehe#well… Uzi and n being tied actually#I think it depends on my mood#like I’d have days where I love n more#and I’d have days where I love Uzi more#Liam is right. they are perfect for each other lol#murder drones#Uzi#murder drones Uzi#Uzi doorman#Ash rambles#shut up ash!#I feel like I should have a tag specifically for ranty stuff#character analysis?#I dunno…#character analysis#(I’ve had this saved in my drafts for a long time and now I’m finally sharing it pfbtb
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ghostwriter (their grandma would tell them she'd lose half her soul)
#or smth smth. having a lot of Thoughts. anyways here's the piece i've been working on and sometimes u have to just say Done#there's a lot of thinks but i am maybe a bit tired and so tmr i'll come in and add all the Tags that i'd personally want to get from myself#maybe i'll reblog the extras tmr too. this is an incredibly self indulgent piece + it probably deserves a tag ramble essay or smth#ig for now we see how it stands for itself + in the meantime:#adamandi#beatrix valeria campbell#hello!! i'm back with belated tags yippee!! alright so for funsies i'm going to make it sound like i'm going bonkers over this :3#the eye shine... the glowy eye... it's like phaethon shine but also smth about eyes to windows to the soul and like#there's two beatrixes here! half the soul. lost part doing things specific to the phaethon and here it's portrayed as tearing off her name#because that's really; truly; when it all starts!! also notable for the ghostly beatrix is i did it more painterly and cloaked in shadow and#fading into the bg. i think i was super duper specificish about where the glow comes from! front lighting back lighting beloved!!! like help#let's put it this way- beatrix face always glowy. important parts of paper also glowy. it's just that different elements are turned away#from the viewer by each beatrix!! also also. let's talk about the very gently implied blood and red etcetera#like the red string is canonical and i love personally the whole red strings of fate thing even though it's not Here Applicable exactly but#that definitely was an influence! and also the blood in the bg... i'm starting to think this is a recurring trend. but anyway shadowy bea#the other strings hang while the red string loops!! so like that one string feels almost alive. it's a sort of whimsical i put on the same#as metaphorical glowy eye!! also also the eye is lowkey influenced by the whole idea of Eyes and Spotlights within the show and also glow#as in power as in heyyy you ever think about writing as a visual medium huh#speaking of writing!! there is no beatrix thingy complete in my head without text sorrry but the black text overlays are always so >>> to me#and in the sense of art styles and overlays shoutout to all the black crosshatching outline thingys because For Some Reason in my mind#of all the characters beatrix feels like the bnw ink printed illustrations you get in books idk#fun fact! i spent so long rendering this and that was fine i liked it! but then trying to figure out text to go on the papers was a Thing#i tried to do. but then gave up on! sometimes i have to pick my battles and graphic design is indubitably Not my passion bc Fonts#fun facts about this is i Actually did start with a quick sketch in mind and there's been so many changed elements. in the og the front#paper for instance had 'ardess murders' written on it and the back one said phaethon interviews.. i like the nominee list better it feels#more narrative-esque and less passive than her just holding her writing.! other elements that got discontinued were that#front beatrix was supposed to blur into the other ghostly beatrix but i couldn't do it without sacrificing clarity so... no... no blurry#oh and the red string morphing at the ends to smth more abstract was always there from the start!! og had more floating papers#and also a silhouette of vincent and a scalpel bc 'one who pulls the strings' but that (pun intended)! got cut (hahahahahahaha) (sorry)#used also to be a lot of print room clutter but that got cut to bc compositionally i made beatrix larger (learned lesson from last art)
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I've been thinking a lot about how Rook's reunion with his former mentor, Zara, is going to go, and since I can't predict what the DM is going to have her do or say, I can only dwell on what I know is going to happen. Which happens to include taking off the illusion ring that's been hiding his injuries from her. So have a snippet of the description I have planned for that moment:
tw for description of (mostly healed) injuries
He hesitates, twisting a ring on his finger. Looking at it more closely, she can tell it’s very finely crafted, and must have been very expensive. A large emerald is set into the band. Rook sighs, and pulls the ring off his finger in one quick motion. Immediately she’s struck by the difference in his appearance as the illusion melts away. He looks awful. His warm, healthy skin fades to a dull and sickly grey. There’s huge bags under his deeply sunken eyes, and his cheeks are hollowed, as though they have been carved out by an overeager sculptor. He looks like he’s recently risen from the grave. While he was thin before, now she can see his ribs under the skin, and his collarbones are exaggeratedly pronounce. Thin white lines left by dozens upon dozens of recently healed cuts are scattered across his body. On top of that, faded bruises cover most of his visible skin, a mottled mosaic of purple and yellow. They’re clearly days, maybe weeks old, and she can only begin to imagine what they must have looked like when fresh. Bandages are barely visible under his shirt, wrapping around his back, hinting at even more injuries.
#morrigan.text#my writing#dnd writing#oc: Rook#oc: Zara#Poor Zara.#she's gonna feel so fucking guilty about everything that's happened to him in the last 3 years even though it's not her fault.#yes she pissed off Wolf but she had no way of knowing Wolf would go after Rook instead of her.#(I don't even know what she did to piss off Wolf. That's the Big Reveal that's going to happen when Rook sees her again.)#but yeah. Seeing him like this and knowing/thinking that it's because of her actions... it's going to destroy her and that kills me.#I don't know what she did but I *do* know that she never intended for Rook to get hurt. She loves him too much for that.#but Rook could never blame her for anything. He'd forgive her just about anything. And that will probably only make her feel worse.#Rook and his mentors will never ever fail to fuck me up big time.#his undying devotion and naive faith in them which is such a stark contrast to his usual distrust of people.#and it gets him hurt every time even though the don't *mean* to hurt him. But Sigmar's case was definitely much more malicious than Zara's.#this reunion is going to be such a huge turning point for Rook's character and his personal development as a character.#well really it's a combination of things all happening at once that are going to be the turning point.#1) the fact that the party rescued him from Wolf which has literally no other explanation than that they love him and care about him.#2) seeing Zara again and finally getting that closure that he never got three years ago plus being to reestablish the most important#relationship in his entire life. Plus she's just a good influence on him all-around a much-needed source of support after Sigmar's betrayal#3) getting gifted the Tide Breaker (Zara's old ship) and having to learn some responsibility for once in his life will be very good for him#and I guess you could also say that 4) my temporary character Val talking some sense into him has something to do with it lmao.#but we'll see how this all plays out bc while I know these things are going to happen they technically haven't happened yet.#I'm not gonna RP the conversation between Rook and Val bc it would just be me talking to myself for a long time but I am gonna write it up#when we get to that point so I can show it to the DM so he knows what they talked about. Plus it will be a very fun exercise bc Val was#literally designed to be Rook's opposite in just about every way. They're very wise and responsible and Rook is a reckless idiot.#(but I love him anyways.)#So it's gonna be fun to balance writing both of them in the same conversation.#anyways. these tags are SO FUCKING LONG already. If you read this far I'm giving you your favorite dessert and a hug if you want it.#and also pledging you my undying allegiance for life. <3
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I think it’s weird that even though Dazai and fyodor are my favorite characters I like. Really resonate the with Nikolai on a ideological level
#I guess a better way to put it would be I resonate with Dazai’s anti social masking Fyodor’s obsessive drive and then Nikolai’s personal#beliefs#ooooo yeah I do hate feeling trapped because of empathy#I DO hate feeling like every choice I make has been influenced beyond my autonomy#I think my problem is that any conversation surrounding Nikolai is so intrinsically tied with Fyodor#I forgot that he IS a really cool and interesting character outside of being shipped with fyodor#cue ‘who’s the victim?’ ‘you!’#misc#I should have a tag for me talking about random bad tidbits#as of today it will be#ahli spams bsd#to anybody who’s reading this if you have any like. Nikolai centric pieces which do not involve fyodor id love to read it#I find it hard to care about characters who are only defined by the relationships they have with others#oh! there was one good fyolai fanfiction by valleykey where Nikolai asks ‘who am I without my desire for freedom?’#so maybe an interesting piece to read is about Nikolai reconciling with his powerlessness and . well. living
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i think it should be mandatory that everyone watch The Social Dilemma at least once every six months
#dear everyone saying that tumblr doesn't have an algorithm: yes it does oh my GOD.#i see people say this so often irt twitter and reddit migration#just because tumblr has a different feed system to facebook/inta/twitter doesn't mean the only things you see are exactly what you want#free of influence or coercion#simplest example is tumblr suggesting users and tags for u to follow. what do you think is informing its suggestions?#how does it know which blogs are similar? it's not by fucking chance#please i know we all clown on what a mess this website is and how poorly it delivers ads but let's not forget that that's a choice they mak#if tumblr wanted to deliver ads in the way other social media sites do they could. but it's part of the image they've created for themselve#hence why they feel they can offer a paid subscription to remove ads that has an off switch so u can still see their weird crazy zany ads#because they know how much we love to clown on their shit ads. they know users will screenshot and share ads if they're weird enough#and they want you to. they're not so incompetent that they can't get us classy ads lol. this is their brand. let's not forget that!#anyway this is all triggered by me sending someone (hi bunni <3) a post of misha collin's sfx make up in gotham knights that popped up as a#recommended post despite me never having watched it or searched for it etc. what triggered that post appearing was me searching/tagging spn#a couple times recently. and of course misha collins and spn are frequently cross tagged. anyway since then i have been bombarded with that#godforsaken show constantly on my dash#sorry to gotham knights enjoyers i get the appeal and i am a dc simp but it's just not for me ig#if u read all this i love u im kissing you sloppystyle and or giving u a firm and warm handshake and or a friendly nod like we're walking#past each other on a beautiful day <3#my post
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People need to practice minding their own damn business
Don't come into people's inboxes giving unsolicited advice or criticizing their personal stuff. Don't reblog somebody's posts saying how much you hate it and their opinions.
Don't like somebody's characterisation, AUs or the kind of art they post? It might even annoy you?
Okay, cool. Go make your own post. Block them. Be a little hater about it to your friends. It's good for your soul!
But don't be goddamn rude to people. Don't make it their problem.
"I don't like what this artist likes mah mah mah"
Here's a wild idea;
Artists...don't need to cater to you. You are not entitles to their work. Nobody on the internet should coddle you and post only stuff you like.
Shocker, I know.
#thylacines can talk#Yes this is about PK#When you like an antagonist people expect you to be a negative nancy 24/7 and put a disclaimer everytime you make something with them about#how much they suck as a person#Guess what! Having to shittalk your fave all the time to not risk being 'that kind of fan'...isnt fun. It's miserable even!#Anmoying as fuck too! Yes I know he did this unforgivable thing. I'm not an idiot. That's why I like PK. Fucker's got nuance#Is he a bad person? Absolutely. Will I talk about him being a bad person and the horrible things he did? Also yes. When I want to. It's#very fun to explore that part of the story and how it influenced their victims. Will I give you a fucking essay on why he's a bad person#everytime I want to post something funny or lighthearted about him? No. Piss off.#I cannot only focus on angst and heart-wrenching part of the story. I also like to make stuff of the lighthearted parts of my AUs.#And I don't feel like writing down an entire disclaimer and breakdown of how PK's and WL's redemption arcs went to justify it#Having to constantly put disclaimers to justify you liking a morally grey and bad characters is EXHAUSTING. Only being able to talk about#this character with someone when it proteins to how awful they are is EXHAUSTING.#YES they're bad people. But going into peoples dms or inbox or tags and talking to them about how ugly and bad and evil their fave is#exhausting to deal with and NOT fun. Like I. KNOW. LIKE LET ME LIKE A DEEPLY FLAWED NUANCED FUCKED UP CHARACTER IN PEACE WITHOUT HAVING TO#ALWAYS PUT A DISCLAIMER OUT THERE ABOUT HOW AWFUL THEY ARE. GOOD GOD.#It's especially annoying because I like characterisation of PK that is very morally grey. To me purely evil and not compassionate PK is#fun...in a short run. I much prefer a man whos riddled with guilt over what he did even if he believed it to be necessary evil and who dies#Because of his regret. I love the idea of a father who sacrificed his own children so that no parent had to lose their own. And the tragedy#of him deeply loving PV and still doing what he did. A good person who was faced with an impossible choice and committed unspeakable#cruelty for what he believed to be the greater good. A man who doesnt believe he's deserving of redemption not forgiveness and who doomed#himself. I like a nuanced morally grey PK with LAYERS. Treating him as a purely evil uncaring person who never loved his children sucks ALL#the fun out of him for me. And don't get me wrong I LOVE villains who are evil for evil's sake. I LOVE old school Disney villains who are#scumbags just because they can be and have a little bit a swag to it. But PK just. Isn't that kind of villain to me.#I don't even like calling him a villain. An antagonist? Maybe. A morally grey character that kicked off the entire story with his one act#of unspeakable cruelty? Yup. But I don't see him as the villain of HK.#Wow that was a long rant#Well I got that out of my system at least#I love the Pale King and I could talk for HOURS about why I love him as a character and about his actions. It's just tiring when I have to#do it to justify myself and my lighthearted content of him.
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I keep thinking of that reply in my Odysseus/Agamemnon post about how I regard differently Odysseus' and Agamemnon's actions, while acknowledging that at times Agamemnon is written as a sweet man and Odysseus is always straight up shitty, and how it was taken as some sort of defense for Agamemnon and as a form of pointing out the double standard; and that wasn't at all what the post was about for me, even though I can see where they were coming from. To be honest, given I didn't imagine it would spread anywhere other than my own blog, I didn't explain myself very well (or at all).
The fact is that when I talked about Odysseus not caring about hurting someone else's child to start and end a war I was indeed comparing his actions to Agamemnon's, but my words about supporting Odysseus' wrongs and cheering him in his terrible actions, while in a joking tone, weren't entirely a joke. I do think that Odysseus does some very shitty acts, and some quite terrible ones depending on the sources. That's a fact, that he does is at the core of his characterisation and it's what makes him so much fun; but not even when he is at his most cruel does he harm his family, his own son. Agamemnon, while sweet and loving at times in some texts, at his worst is willing to sacrifice Iphigenia. When readers regard with more sympathy Odysseus over Agamemnon despite both being responsible for children dying, I don't think there's a double standard in this aspect at all considering it's never his own kid Odysseus harms. And that's the key, I think.
Odysseus and Agamemnon have very different priorities, a very different view on loyalty and duty. It could be said that Agamemnon acts out of selfishness, but it could also be read in a kinder light, saying that Agamemnon is ruled by the gods first, and by his role as head of the achaeans; Agamemnon is not entirely himself. In opposition we see Odysseus acting perhaps mainly for himself and his own family and men; yes, he is a king, but he has not the role Agamemnon has. As a consequence, Agamemnon submits his family's wellbeing to the war, to the gods, while Odysseus stops the plow before hurting Telemachus but is (depending on the source) the cause of Iphigenia's sacrifice and Astyanax's death.
Both Odysseus and Agamemnon have reasons to support their actions, and both can be sympathised with; it's fiction after all. When it comes to fiction, at the end of the day which character a reader is drawn to or sympathises with is mainly an issue of personal taste, but I suppose it also implies a certain level of one's own views or preferences on morals, what makes us find certain actions more justifiable, or tasteful (perhaps that's a more accurate word), than others. Agamemnon sacrificing his daughter, no matter how sympathetic or understandable the reason, generally sits worse on people than Odysseus doing the same with someone else's kids, because they're someone else's. This different emotional reaction they provoke has place not just metanarratively, but also inside the very story; it is narratively significant, given it determines how their arrival home plays out, how their wives react to them, and thus their futures. Ultimately it determines whether they live or die.
I think both terrible acts go in line wonderfully with each characterisation, showcasing the role they hold in their world, what they value, what they care for, what they're willing to sacrifice for themselves and the others, how much of their own they're willing to give and bend. While looking at the wider picture it could perhaps be drawn that Agamemnon is the better person out of the two, but Odysseus' selfish actions are perhaps easier to empathise with, especially from a modern viewpoint. Odysseus is treacherous and prone to betrayal, but not against his own; Agamemnon follows the rules of the gods. How fitting in that context that Odysseus doesn't die at the end of his story, that he cheats the death heroes so often are fated to, almost as if cheating the narrative itself, bending the rules of the world he is ascribed to; how fitting in the context of those texts that point towards Sisyphus being his father. But that's another topic, and I've already talked a lot.
#Don't get me wrong. Odysseus is super shitty and this is a 'pick your poison' kind of situation#But I don't really think there's a double standard when it comes to the kids situation given that Odysseus doesn't sacrifice his own kid#I really think that's what lies at the core of this. Does that make him shittier and more selfish and a worse person? Actually yeah perhaps#But we are no kings with thousands of people depending on our decision yet cringe at the idea of hurting people close to us#It feels like betrayal. And this is where the moral preference takes the role. Which do you prefer? The one that would betray their family#for the greater good or the one who'd sell the world for their family and themselves? It's interesting because#while in fiction the first option is often the most frown upon while selfish actions for the beloved are easy to sympathise with‚#in reality these are usually worse regarded. I didn't want to go there because I already wrote so much it didn't fit in the tags#but I actually think the same thing happens with Galahad/Lancelot. Heathcliff/Edgar I'd say has a somewhat similar situation going on#There are many many examples but mainly I was thinking of Galahad and Lancelot#So this is not an 'Odysseus did nothing wrong'. This is an 'Odysseus did many things very wrong but he didn't kill his son#so while both him and Agamemnon were the cause of death of kids‚ their action are not the same so there's no double standard regarding#the particular action of sacrificing Iphigenia. In fiction that kind of betrayal makes characters often unlikeable'#I guess that action 'stains' the view under which Agamemnon's actions are seen and so his character is often seen under a darker light#He is presented a bit as an antagonistic presence opposed to Achilles who is very popular so I guess that also influences this?#Anyway I've been elated by the musical causing Odysseus art and posts but I do have noticed that he is very goodified in it and that#it has influenced how he is being regarded around here (the way it happened with The Song of Achilles as well I suppose)#And I must say I like that less. He is shitty in a fun way but not in a light way. He is very shitty#Definitely not better than Agamemnon depending on the perspective you take. I can't believe I'm 'defending' Agamemnon#He is not my thing at all I'm all for selfish actions for oneself and the loved ones through manipulation‚#lies and scams and letting the world drown if needed. In fiction Lancelot's‚ Odysseus' and Heathcliff's actions are a lot more preferible#to me than Galahad's‚ Agamemnon's and Edgar's. But yeah#I ALSO didn't want to go there because again it would have take me forever and I would run out of tags (yet here I am)#but there's also a Priam/Hector/Paris comparison in how they act and how they're regarded to be drawn here#Agamemnon/Iphigenia‚ Priam/Hector/Paris‚ Odysseus/Telemachus. And that is not even including everything with Elektra/Clytemnestra/Orestes#or Oedipus and his own family for that matter#But yes. I'll better shut up already. I'm talking a lot more than I intended#I just found that discussion super enthralling and I couldn't stop thinking about it. I still can't#I talk too much#I should probably delete this later
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@motsimages tagged me in for 10 songs 10 people, mil gracias :)
these are random songs from my most played playlist, hope you like them!
i'll also add some lyrics just for fun lol
te quiero porque te quiero (fandangos) by rozalén ft. rodrigo cuevas
te quiero porque te quiero / cuando paso por tu puerta / cuando paso por tu puerta / cojo pan y voy comiendo
6 AM by ginebras
¿cómo olvidarme de los días / en un bar de la latina / y del latero que hace música al pasar? ¿de influencias modernistas y mareas / feministas / si en el fondo no lo he pasado tan mal?
el cielo son los otros by confeti de odio
solo estoy contento cuando algo a mi alrededor / me distrae del hecho de que sigo siendo yo
la posada by sebastián cortés ft. alba reche
me enseña to' lo que hay por descubrir / no' miramos de cerquita pa' sentir / to' lo que nos queda, to' lo que nos queda / por vivir
tanguillo de la guapa de cádiz by lola flores
¡y desí que yo tengo postiso! / comprobadlo, tenéis mi permiso, / pasarme la mano, / vamo a vé si encontráis miraguano, / serrín o viruta; / que me toque una mano inocente.
que pasa nen by alizz
però em sento la chanel, català de segona / burguesia intel·lectual podeu menjar-me la poll-
a ver qué pasa by rigoberta bandini
y a ver qué pasa / porque algo pasa / creo que algo pasa / cuando me pasa
desastre de persona by ginebras ft. dani martín
dices que quieres ir al cine / por parecer que eres intelectual / y ya te has puesto quince alarmas / porque mañana tienes que trabajar
adiós by zahara
dedícame mi canción de despedida / y dedícame tu canción de despedida / ¿cómo has tenido valor de hacer una canción de amor?
esa también fui yo (quiero acordarme) by alba reche
me forzaron a querer dentro de una habitación / aún me culpo al dedicarte toda una puta canción
and i tag @naguaraquerandom @alicechesire @sarcasmisalifechoice @eskamtrash @skamesp @rosalia-de-castro @glittertrail @claimedbytheearth @looselysealedkrypton @andalusi
#tag game#i didn't realise i had so many spanish songs in there lol#anyways i'll use the tags for english translations <3#1. i love you because i love you (fandangos)#i love you because i love you / when i walk by your door / when i walk by your door / i take some bread and eat it#2. 6 am#how could i forget those days / in a bar in la latina / and the tinsmith that makes music as he walks by?#modernist influences and feminist marches / in the end it wasn't that bad?#3. heaven is the others#i'm only happy when something around me / distracts me from the fact i'm still me#4. the inn#(they) teach me everything that has yet to be discovered / we don't look (at each other) closer to feel / everything that's left for us#everything that's left for us / to live#5. tanguillo of the beauty of cádiz#and you say they (my tits) are not real! / check them i'll allow it / rub the hand (on them) / let's see if you find a palm tree#sawdust or chips; / let an innocent hand touch me#6. what's up dude (i don't speak catalan so this translation might not be 100% accurate)#but i feel like chanel a second-class catalan / intellectual bourgeoisie you can suck my d-#7. let's see what happens#and let's see what happens / cause something is happening / i think something is happening / when it happens to me#8. human disaster#you say you want to go to the cinema / trying to look intelligent / but you have already set fifteen alarms up#cause you have work tomorrow#9. goodbye#dedicate my farewell song to me / dedicate your farewell song to me / how dare you write me a love song?#10. i am also her (i want to remember)#i was forced to love inside a room / i still blame myself for dedicating you a whole fucking song
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I notice that even though Citron's my fave, I spend more time here talking about Orange and Navel.
I think it's fear of being wrong.
#I can say with upmost confidence that everything I say about Orange and Navel is accurate#that's a joke but I do feel like I can say “whatever I want” and not feel like I'll be horribly wrong about it#I've even discussed with myself why if it turned out Orange and Navel were actually born the same year as Citron it'd still make sense#that's not my fave age breakdown but if someone else or the game said they were I'd be like a'ight that's fine I guess#I don't want to say something wrong/inaccurate about Citron tho because the thing is that no matter where I go I'm the odd one out somehow#and I don't want to know what I think on Citron might be wrong I love him and so I'm extra sensitive there#I even have a whole partial joke post that no one reacted to (okay it's a ship post but he's half the ship so...)#that shows me no one agrees with me so I should keep to myself#also tho Orange and Navel are just easier to come up with headcanons for lol#But like like like when I write Citron he's actually the least independent to himself brother if that makes sense#(I'm not sure it does... it's explained better a couple tags down but I'm not saying he doesn't have his own interests#but rather some of his interests/opinions are somewhat influenced by his brothers & he's like that the most out of the four of them)#I mean I haven't written enough Tangerine to compare him here so he might be more but then again he's very opinionated and sure of things#so who can say yet#(I say as if I've written any of them much at all. Genuinely this might not be an entirely fair comparison but still.)#Citron & his brothers#as for how I write Citron he like like has approximate knowledge & mild interest in certain things bcuz he knows his brothers are into them#which is kinda the reverse of SenriMono huh?#but to me it makes sense for Citron because he doesn't want to be fighting with his brothers he wants to be on good terms with them#so I think in the back of his mind he takes interests in things and has thoughts like: 'maybe I can talk to them about these things one day#or 'if there's a point when we're not fighting I'll ask ____ about ___'#you know?#these tags are too long#sorry for rambling#I legit could've just made a separate post with them#but then I'd be putting my thoughts on Citron on display and that'd be scary so I won't move them#I'm almost certain no one reads my tags anyway#still. sorry to the person who actually does and had to read through all this#idk why you didn't stop but I appreciate you regardless :3#by the way did you know there was a 30 tags tag limit? I just found out lol
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.
#tag talk#learning language just makes my brain vibrate on just the right frequency#my goal for the rest of this year and the year coming is to get really good at Spanish#between Language Transfer (really fucking good go check it out thanks to my sibling recommending it to me) and then#then all the immersion I've been doing with music and TV#I feel like I stand a chance of getting genuinely good at it#I have this dream of knowing several other languages but I need to start by developing the skill with a language I'm already familiar with#and now I'm medicated I can finally push for like.. an actual goal and achievement#this feels like an extension of my obsession with communication.#which now that I think about it. a lot of things I love have a strong communication aspect to them.#music. fashion. art. they all communicate ideas.#that's even maybe what I like about porn. it's a work that's designed to communicate a very specific feeling and idea#and kink is an expression of power and trust. control and release. poetry.#do these tags read like the ramblings of a mad man? am I just throwing darts at a wall and connecting them with red string?#maybe I am crazy. but I'm not wrong. I'm autistic I'm incapable of believing I'm wrong.#is that joke in poor taste? probably.#anyway. I love communication and learning Spanish is my gateway to an entire world of ideas embedded in the structure of language itself#plus it would probably help my ability to keep up with my brother's dreams of traveling abroad#and I could help him learn languages cause I love teaching and he's not as hardwired for it as I am.#oh also I bought a vocabulary book to work through because language transfer is teaching me the grammar and structure#but I need vocabulary to back it up#I have a small work vocabulary I use with the customers who don't speak English very well. shit like “this. it works?”#but even like. idk. I'm really good at understanding people with difficult speech.#one resident at my nursing home had severe muscle degeneration and couldn't do much outside of vague flopping#but she would still try to speak and I got pretty good at understanding her and having conversations while feeding her.#she was in the navy and ate a bunch of neat food in Korea and she's the reason I finally watched Jaws for the first time#and like.. my ability to understand is what let her influence my life like that. I got to connect with another human being.#like. it's a gift that enhances my life and I want to choose to shape my life around this gift.#my love and obsession with communication is something I've had my whole life and if is something constant I need to consider it#so many other things in my life are shifting and uncertain. I want to chase the constant source of joy that's a part of who I am.
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jang keun-suk is attractive in a way that makes me want to bash his face in. annoyingly pretty. if that makes sense.
#random thoughts#yes i'm still watching the influencer. what of it.#i'm not supposed to say these things about real people.#ciel if you're reading this i hope you feel similarly. i don't know why. (':#because you make me feel. serenely happy. just generally filled with positive energy.#and also you're really pretty but in a way that is endearing and does not cause violent thoughts.#(/gen and /pos.)#i don't know if i deserve to be loved the same sort of way. if that's anything.#which sounds really fucking stupid it's midnight and i'm watching netflix okay!!!!#well okay it's midnight when i type these tags. this won't send out until the morning.#but anyway. augh. forget how stupid this sounds.#it's late. i want to eat but i shouldn't.#song about that sometime later because i'm so silly........#(<- can't talk about my problems so i have to hide them in my songs)#also why the fuck does wetboy look just like me for real. like. do you folks see the vision.#something about the collared shirt. and the hairstyle i had in 2020.#(i want to grow my hair back out once i start t. for gender purposes you know....)#2am update: i hear voices whenever i move too much. so uh. i should go to sleep. probably.#i won't. not for a while. but....
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awake
Joel Miller x f!reader
Warnings/Tags/Notes: 18+. No outbreak au, but it doesn't really matter. Just know this is older Joel :). teeniest bit of somno. Nuzzling the dick. Kissing the dick. Loving the dick. Living for the dick. Love. Unedited, unbeta'd. I dunno.
Words: 1.6k
Summary: He's the perfect package.
The alarm clock blares at 7 on the dot, waking you from a peaceful slumber with a grumble.
"Joel" you mumble, groggy with sleep. You give him a gentle shove but he doesn't answer with anything more than a grunt.
He was never a morning person.
Eyes barely open, you turn on your side and lean over him to smack the alarm with memorized aim, snoozing it and half smothering Joel with your body in the process.
"5 more minutes" you hear him groan somewhere beneath you before you move and settle back against your pillow. Joel moves at the same time, on his side and pulling you back against his chest to snuggle into your warmth, his favourite way to sleep. His steady breath fans against the back of your neck, large hand holding you against him and with the comfort of his proximity you close your eyes and will your delightful dreams to return to you.
But as much as you try to keep your eyes closed and let sleep lull you, you can't help be distracted. Rather then delightful dreams, what does make an appearance is Joels morning wood - half hard right now against your ass, as his sleeping form keeps you pressed close as possible to his front.
Really how can you possibly fall back asleep?
"You awake?" you mumble, squeezing his hand that rests flat-palmed against your stomach.
"Nuh uh" Joel answers, making you roll your eyes. He's on the periphery of consciousness, that dozy, hazy stage just before fully awake. You can tell because of how his breath remains heavy and steady, chest rising and falling and he's not fully responding when you press your ass back against him.
"Joooel" You whine, whole body suddenly very awake. Just the feel of him, hardening for you, has your stomach doing flips and your core tightening with that familiar heat.
There's not much better in this world than Joel Millers cock, after all.
You've told him so many times, told him how much you love it - the seemingly perfect size of him, girthy but not difficult to take, a pleasurable stretch every time he fucks you, a comforting weight in your hand or on your tongue every time you get him off. God, you love your boyfriends cock almost as much as you love the man himself.
All part of the perfect package.
You're worked up enough by the time the alarm goes off again that when Joel starts to wake properly, aware he has a workday ahead, he finds you not in his arms anymore but further down the bed, your head resting against his leg as your fingers barely trace the bulge of his cock in his boxers.
"Baby…" Joel murmurs, voice deep and gruff with sleep, blinking his eyes open to look down at you properly, dozy smile on his lips "What're you doin'?"
"Your stupid alarm woke me up" you sigh, one hand rubbing his thick thigh whilst the other makes a more intentional move to cup his dick and give it the gentlest, loving squeeze good morning, "Then you made me think about how good your cock is and I couldn't go back to sleep. And you weren't even awake to fuck me" You complain, looking up at him like he owes you an apology. "It's not fair"
Joel just shakes his head, chuckles at your pouty expression and tries to focus on that rather than on your proximity to his rapidly straining cock. The way you touch him isn't even intended to get him harder, just touching for the sake of it. Because you love it.
Glancing over at the clock, Joel sighs and gives the top of your head an affection, apologetic pat before making to move, Tommy will be here soon and he doesn't want to take shit from his younger brother for being late. Before Sarah went off to college she would make sure he was up on time, but with her gone and you rarely being a good influence he really had to keep himself responsible these days.
"I'll make it up to you later, pretty girl. M'sorry"
“Don’t go” You pout up at him, cheek comfortably resting on his meaty thigh as you bat your lashes and try your best to tempt.
“I gotta, you know that” Joel grumbles, he's not about to leave Tommy on the job alone, never been one to call out of work for any reason. He'll just have to ignore that warm feeling pooling inside as he stares down at you, watching as you lift your head and rest it closer to the sweet little wet patch forming in his boxers.
“Get back up here, c’mon” He tries to command but, well, you were never one for following orders and he knows that well enough. His insistence is starting to wane already anyway, feeling your breath all warm so close to him.
"I like it here. Feels nice. I think you like it too" you whisper, happy little thing as you press a kiss to the heft of him through his boxers. You hum a sigh of contentment, thinking about how he'd fucked you senseless last night, how you wanted that again right now. Could never, ever get enough, and he wasn't any better.
"Baby you're killing me here. Gonna be late..." he groans, sighing when you look up at him all sweet innocence, though he's very aware you're anything but.
"Just let me say bye to him" you plead softly, eyes wide, and knowing he's not really going to make you stop yet. Especially not when you nuzzle your face against his crotch and breathe in deeply, murmuring something muffled as you press more kisses across the taut fabric.
"Fuuuck" Joel groans out, making you laugh softly. Your fingers are tugging at the waistband of his underwear now.
"Can I? Just want to see…just for a minute" You ask, cheek smushed up against him and eyes flashing with desirous mischief.
"Greedy little thing" He responds, but there's a clear and definitive nod of 'yes' when he looks to the clock once more and does some mental work to figure out how late he can be out of bed without being late to the work site.
“Can't help it. He’s so pretty” You give a happy little sigh as you start to tug his boxers down.
“It ain’t…pretty” Joel replies with a scoff, rolling his eyes but the reddened hue of his cheeks betrays him.
“He’s so fucking pretty”
Joel acquiesce easily to your protest, that bashful lopsided smile making an appearance along with his blush. it had taken him some time to get used to your way of things but he couldn't pretend he didn't find your intense interest and stubbornness kind of hot. He tips his head back as his morning wood is exposed to the cool air of the room, boxers tugged down just enough to make his perfect cock and heavy balls available for your admiration.
"Wanna put my mouth on you. Wanna spend all day down here with you" You whisper straight to his dick, wide eyed and reverent - as if you're in awe of it despite seeing it so many times before.
"Darlin', I really gotta-" Joel starts, but his words are cut short by your mouth, pressing sweet little kisses to the crown, across the head. He groans as you grip the base, and make you're way down the underside of him, paying loving attention to every little bump and ridge. He's leaking a little, and you can't help but steal a taste.
If only you had more time.
"Better be ready for some real attention later" You mumble against his impressive balls, giving each a kiss of their own but your eyes meet Joels this time, "Gonna let me have as much as I want later, right?"
"Damn it you're such a pain in my side, pretty girl…gettin' me all worked up" Joel practically whines at the promise of later, mouth slightly agape, eyes hodded with desire as his cock twitches eagerly in your hand "Wanna fuck you…you're gonna have me hard all damn day"
"You can fuck me now, if you really need to" you giggle at his frustrations, teasingly licking the pre-cum from him "Tommy can wait, he already thinks we're sex addicts because of that time with the-"
"Yeah...yeah dont remind me about that right now baby. Not right now" He shushes you with a pointed look, then lets out a deep sigh as he relucantly turns to the clock "Not gonna fuck you...I only got 5 minutes and I think I'd be doin' you a disservice" He groans, exasperation building.
"You're such a big old softy, thinking about my needs all the time" You smile up at him, heart swelling with love for the man as give him a pinch to the thigh eased with a kiss before returning back to his cock, throbbing in your hand
"I'll see you tonight" You murmur lovingly, kissing the tip on more time before reluctantly making your way back up Joels body, pressing tender kisses to his stomach, his chest, his neck, and finally his lips.
"You drive me fuckin' insane, I swear to god" He breathes out against your lips, hand coming down hard on your ass and squeezing a cheek as your kiss turns more intense.
"And you love it" You giggle breathlessly once your lips part.
"I love it. Love you, you maniac"
He sits up with you, another series of quick kisses before he turns to leave the bed and you can't help but pout again. You wish he didn't work so hard, dedicate himself to so much. But then he wouldn't be your Joel, your man
"Joel…don't work too late"
"Wouldn't dream of it. Just make sure you're ready for me…" He gives your ass another slap that makes you yelp before he's heading off into the bathroom.
"You're gonna come all over him as many times as I tell you to tonight, baby"
#Joel Miller x reader#Joel Miller x f!reader#joel miller fanfiction#joel miller x you#joel miller fic#i don't even know I was just sick of not posting fic
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ok maybe I'm a little late to this BUT I'm gonna do a to-do list motivation thingy because I've had the worst two weeks since I started college :)
SO these I should start on asap:
50 I make the snack I really want but I haven't had the motivation to make
100 I clean my dorm. another thing I've been meaning to do for a week
150 I do the presentation about mid-victorian fashion I've been putting off (due Monday)
200 I start memorizing the monologue that was due a week ago (now due Tuesday)
these can wait longer:
300 I spend time outside. It's so nice but I'm getting stuck scrolling because I feel like shit. vicious cycle ect
500 I start setting a better weekend routine (aka getting up before noon)
1k I start working out again. I was doing a routine to get more masc and build muscle and I liked it but life hit me like Crowley driving the Bentley and I've missed like 3 weeks
2k I buy my first binder. I've been coping with sports bras for almost a year now and I haven't been able to justify spending $50+ on a binder even though I know I'd love it and use it everyday.
Do I tag people? I don't know but I'm going to. @the-globe-theatre-maggot @weirdly-specific-but-ok @howmanyholesinswisscheese
here's just some context if you want to read, feel free to skip. some of this I've talked about in the maggot server, some I haven't, but I really just need a place for this to go that's out of my head. tw homophobia, transphobia, car crash(??)
How I Have Been Run Over By The Bentley Going 90 In Central London What Feels Like 50 Times In The Last Two Weeks
I'm going to college about 4 hours away from my parents, and it's been really nice. They.. suck, to say the least. transphobic/homophobic ect, super traditional conservative catholic, racist, all of it. so i tried to move somewhere where I wouldn't have to think about them and I could be myself and do what I can to be happy. March 1st was the start of my spring break, which meant going home because the dorms close. I was already not excited, but I was prepared. the problem with being away from home is I forget just how bad they are. My optimism gets the better of me and I think maybe this time they'll be better. so I decided to not hide my septum piercing.
that was a mistake. it starts a whole fight where they say we know you're trans, you're actually a girl and you always will be, we have the bones argument, they think I'm being influenced by demons or something (if only they knew about crowley) because I want to change my name, and they tell me that going on t will completely ruin my body and give me cancer and other things. They're also mad about my dyed hair, septum, and general style, and say I'm setting a terrible example for my (5) younger siblings and make it a point to tell me just how much of a disappointment I am. I think I'm pretty cute and fun but y'know, whatever. very fun time. I lie so much, don't give them any more details about my identity, and say I'm not planning to go on t to save my ass. which is all on instinct which makes me feel worse because if I'm really trans I should be able to stand up for that, right? maybe I'm faking the dysphoria.
the next morning I wake up really sick, and spend the rest of the week sick and feeling like shit because I'm home and back in the same place and situation I was a year ago that I thought I escaped. at one point I pretty much lose my voice but also kind of get gender euphoria from it. it's weird.
On Friday it's time for me to drive back 4 hours to school, and I make it about 3/4 of the way when google maps takes me on a random gravel road and I crash my car, really crash my car, like sideways-in-a-ditch-windows-broken-crawling-up-out-the-door crash it in the middle of nowhere. (I was fully paying attention to the road, it was raining and super slick) I call my parents because I have no one else to call and I sit in a Subway for 3 hours while they drive to get my car. when they get there they're (understandably) really mad, and they tell me that I'm not mature enough to be going to school so far away and I need to get my shit together and stop depending on them. which. is probably true. but made me feel even more stupid about the fact that I crashed my car. I get back to school and I'm still Very Sick with no energy or motivation to do anything. So I've spent the last week trying to get better and honestly to do anything. it hasn't really worked. I'm a lot better health-wise (Not emotionally), still sick but I have a lot of work due, so I really need a push to get started
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