#i love it. what the fuck is it and why is it so consistently prevalent across specific blogs

[4x01]

vaguely related to the last post but i have been on this website for years and have yet to fully understand what it is about one certain very specific aesthetic that so compels me stylistically let alone what it’s even called. but i’ll see a person called @100101xxxx1021 and their archive is like 1) woman in latex suit on motorcycle in broad daylight 2) vaguely toxic looking goop on sidewalk 3) anime image 4) people with buzzcuts 5) nondescript surreal location that people definitely shouldn’t have access to 6) weapon 7) anime image 8) fire 9) jellyfish. if you don’t know what the hell im talking about i’msorry

[penncilkid]

Been thinking about my experiences as a POC within fandom while also being an artist and how much that sucks sometimes. This is primarily in regards to the Redacted fandom, but could be applied to any other fandom honestly.

Proper "fussing" under the cut (for those who would rather not see):

Sometimes, I really stop and think about what it must be like to be a white person in fandom, especially when you're an artist. To see yourself reflected in the spaces you exist in all the time. There are some exceptions to this, of course. For example, lack of body diversity is just as much of a problem in my opinion (Like fat people exist. Disabled people exist. Fat, disabled people exist. You can draw them, y'know? /rhet) But generally speaking, it's not difficult to find designs that probably look like you. There will be blondes, brunettes, redheads even— It's everywhere you look.

I don't think most people realize how isolating that ends up feeling though.

Because it's not just the fact that most of the art/designs you'll stumble upon won't resemble you. It's the fact that the prevalence dictates how everyone else interacts with fandom too.

Do you know how much it sucks seeing a post saying "So we all agree that Asher's blonde, right?" and knowing that most people are thinking of a white guy and nothing else?

Or noticing how Alexis, a generally "hated" character in the fandom, is the only vampire most people are willing to make visibly brown?

How about the fact that Gavin, the "thrilling" and "sexy" incubus, has so many black and brown designs— But I can count the non-white Lasko designs I've come across on my hand?

People can do whatever they want. I've said it before, and I'll continue to repeat it when I make these rambles. If you want to make every single design you have varying shades of white and never stray from that, that's your prerogative. But for the love of god, I wish I didn't feel like I was fucking crazy for talking about how much that shit sucks to see as a person of color.

On top of that, do you know how frustrating it is to watch white artists get praised for generic diversity when POC artists have been consistently bringing forth such compelling, stunning designs to table? Like I see the kind of shit that gets praised in this fandom and what doesn't. Racial ambiguity or the slightest addition of a curl gets treated like it's revolutionary— And that's only if it's the "correct" character. It has to "make sense", right? The same way Sam has to have sun-kissed, golden skin even after he's been turned, or the way Guy has to be white because there's no way someone with that personality could be anything but.

Do you know what it's like to be filled with such a sense of joy because someone made a design where a character had your skin tone or hair texture or facial feature? Like, I genuinely have a strong reaction whenever I find a black or brown design in this fandom because they're so rare in comparison to everything else. And when I really stop to think about that, I realize how fucked up of a phenomenon that is.

I love the designs that I've made, but I've also noticed which ones "do better" comparably. I don't change much of anything with how I go about posting or promoting them. The only difference is that some of them fit what is considered widely "canon" in fandom. And the others... don't. I go out of my way to make every design POC in some regard, and you can usually tell visually even without the addition of colors. I'm not gonna stop doing that because I know why I started in the first place. But fuck, it does start to hurt seeing white artists with the same general white designs get hyped up endlessly while I internally debate if I should even make another character look like me or not. If it'll even matter to anyone but me.

Some days, I just really wish it didn't feel like shit being black in this fandom. I hate knowing that I'm gonna post this, and I'll probably get responses for other people of color primarily.

But maybe putting this out will help that pill get easier to swallow.

[utilitycaster]

Is it just me or are some of the more intense Imaudna folk…kind of mirroring Imogen’s over-defensiveness of Liliana? Or at least uncritically accepting Imogen’s assessment of her, without acknowledging her “bias”? (as we are now apparently calling the characters’ family - so K-pop of us)

I’m not saying she’s a terrible mother - she’s literary moving heaven and earth for Imogen [and herself] - but she’s helping bring about what could be an apocalyptic event, on the off-chance that it could relieve them of their powers.

And I get why people wanna ignore that in favor of Imogen reuniting with her Mom and building a relationship with her. But it’s frustrating when you remember that some of the people her Mom has fucked over include Kiki and the Ashari (not just Orym) and that she’s working with a guy that allowed Trent’s abuse of Caleb, who Beau has spent years working to take down, and we still don’t know what’s happened to those two.

Again - shades of gray, and we all love villains and complicated, messy women. But it’s quite the slice of cognitive dissonance to see fandom *really* pile on Fearne’s parents for abandoning her (especially when it was only six years as far as they knew), but even after she’s party to nearly murdering Kiki, we shouldn’t be assuming the worst of Liliana?

(Just read this back and…I don’t think some these Imaudna fans are actually Marisha fans)

I don't think it's mirroring Imogen, per se. Or rather, I think this is all part of the larger trend I've touched upon for some time: there are a segment of shippers with absolutely no empathy for or generosity towards anything that interferes with the ship. Ideally, they'd like to also support Imogen and Laudna as individuals; but even then the ship comes before the characters. As you said, they're not really Marisha - or Laudna - or for that matter Imogen or Laura fans. They're fans of them playing characters who are in a relationship together.

When Imogen was upset with Laudna for breaking the gnarlrock, there was a pretty prevalent attitude of "but it wasn't LAUDNA's fault, so why is Imogen upset, that's unfair" even though the rock is still broken and it happened when it was in Laudna's possession and, frankly, had Imogen not given the rock to Laudna, she'd still have it. In retrospect this has gotten even more wild, because since then, they've leaned very far into the negative effects Imogen experiences as a result of her powers as an argument as to why she's allowed to do whatever she wants, but at the time if you pointed out Imogen found relief from the rock and is justified in having an emotional response, you were met with screams of HOW DARE YOU BE MEAN TO LAUDNA. This hypocrisy is of course tied into the lack of empathy, because said lack of empathy rests on granting infinite grace to those who support or even merely recognize the ship, no matter their other actions (eg: Otohan), and dismissing the feelings of anyone else.

When Laudna died, it was a pretty common attitude among Imogen and Laudna shippers (I would say Laudna fans, but quite honestly almost every post grieving her was just as much about the ship as the character) that Orym would have been happy to have remained dead because he was a widower. This is a horrifying mentality to have - people's partners do die young, and most people choose to continue living - and was also notably untrue based on Liam's statements both in and out of game. You'll notice that "Orym doesn't want to die and felt like this was a massive failure" on 4SD never took off, but "Orym can't be objective" on 4SD has been blown to ludicrous proportions that show a stunning lack of understanding of like...basic human emotions and their role in decision-making. Because there's no consistency except The Ship.

When the party went to Whitestone, and Percy was in fact played as someone with very complicated and layered feelings about death and dying, and who was not going to change his developed principles for a stranger, he was lambasted. The fact that Delilah Briarwood is just as responsible for his trauma - repeatedly so, she was the architect of both his family's murder and the reason why Vecna achieved godhood, she's literally why his brother-in-law is dead, the Briarwoods have been responsible for two of Vex's deaths - was completely ignored. The fact that Vex and Pike were not spiting him in the end, but rather developed a mutually acceptable plan that permitted Laudna's resurrection with a contingency plan to kill her if Delilah returned led to some pretty harsh criticism of them as well.

FCG was pretty popular among the shippers for quite some time because he wanted everyone to get along and wanted Imogen and Laudna to make up after the gnarlrock fight (note: this is also true of Ashton and Orym, both of whom as discussed have since fallen from grace because they continued to exist as characters with their own thoughts and motivation) and had a lot in common with Imogen. However, a series of things occurred that led to their fall from grace among the shippers. The first was that FCG's coin is why Orym was resurrected instead of Laudna. The second is that Shared Dream was not, in fact, intended only to let Laudna go into Imogen's dreams, but rather allowed anyone in the party to go. The third is that FCG started to find a purpose beyond "help others no matter what," particularly after realizing they had a soul and were in fact a person, and specifically began exploring religion. Religion is unpopular with Imodna shippers particularly after 3x49 and Imogen's consideration of the Vanguard, but there's also definitely a mix of obvious ex-fundamentalists who never unpacked their feelings and instead just want all their fiction to validate their new beliefs. The fourth is that FCG/FRIDA "stole" the first canon relationship spot (which also confirmed that FCG was, in fact, shippable rather than some kind of robot eunuch with nothing better to do than push Imogen and Laudna together). And so you get some really fucked statements. Like, when I say I've seen "I hope someone makes that robot eat their stupid coin" that's not exaggeration; it's pretty much verbatim. That's not a post that a person who makes any attempt to understand experiences other than their own can make in earnest, but it does make sense from the perspective of someone who has decided Imogen and Laudna's relationship is the heart of the show and is angered that five other main PCs exist and have their own interests.

Ashton occupies a truly fascinating space, in that they're oddly popular, in part because their scenes with Laudna are genuinely unmissably fantastic scenes for Laudna. It's one of the only places where Laudna takes off the mask (though she's started to with Orym too). He also overlaps with a lot of what makes Imogen popular, except it's canon where Imogen's is subtext, or it's obviously more severe (Imogen's mom left? Ashton's an orphan. Imogen's had a few headaches? Ashton has chronic pain). So they hated when he pointed out he'd been abandoned by his friends in a way Laudna hadn't (also because Ashton and Laudna's conversation in 3x49 was just far more honest than Imogen and Laudna's, and because Laudna sought them out), but they like him when he's supportive of Laudna. They're constantly on the thinnest of ice because of this and because they're a genuinely compelling character, but because of that, might get in the way of what said shippers want, namely, a hundred episodes of Imogen and Laudna sipping tea at Zhudanna's and having a lovely time.

Following Imogen considering joining the Vanguard, Orym fell out of vogue despite his previous interactions with Imogen, because he very justifiably pointed out, as I've said, that the Ruby Vanguard killed his husband and his father-in-law (whom he saw as a father figure himself), and used a toxin that ensured they couldn't be brought back. I've talked about this a ton and so I'm not going to rehash every aspect, but the fact remains that while I like Imogen's choice to do this - conflict is fun! It makes sense for her character! - it's an incredibly insensitive thing to say. (It blows Ashton's statement about loneliness out of the water, for sure; incidentally, Ashton pointing out the more general hey girl they murder everyone who disagrees did NOT sit well with the hey let's harass everyone who disagrees crowd.) And when you mix it in with the god stuff discussed regarding FCG, Orym has become the periannath non grata of choice to the point of a similar response to the gnarlrock fight - if you sympathize with him, they see it as an attack not just on Imogen but on Laudna, for...not talking about Laudna as well. This has only gotten worse with Orym firmly committing to destroying the Vanguard, to the point that there are, generously speaking, misunderstandings or misrememberings of the text, and less generously speaking, outright lies. A notable one is that Laudna begins to tap into Delilah before Orym nods (Marisha's mention of the purplish hue is at 2:52:02 in episode 3x63; Orym's nod is at 3:01:42, a solid 9+ minutes later); he supports her decision, but he is not responsible for it.

Then there's the guests. Deanna was obviously made to ask Imogen about Laudna. She's here to ask them if they're married. She's here to encourage Imogen to follow her heart. She's definitely not here to have her own active and interesting love life and personal feelings about the gods (that conflict with Imogen's) and history and perspective. Oh she's...she's calling out Imogen's nonstop use of psychic powers? She's having a three-way with Chetney and Fearne? FRIDA is hooking up with FCG and admitted their anger about the gods was mostly due to projecting their personal anger about feeling powerless and having been awoken without their consent? Uhhhhhh Deni$e was obviously made to to ask Laudna about Imogen. She's definitely not here to be a connection to Dariax and have her own active and interesting love life and personal feelings about the gods. Wait, no, maybe Bor'Dor will ask about it? Uhhhhhh *flips coin but not in an FCG way* Laudna will *rolls dice* mentor Prism and this will...make this ship happen? Oh, won't these people with their own distinct personalities and motivations who keep having conversations with Orym and Ashton and each other stop doing that and just presume that a specific one of the four other people in Bells Hells they've never met and probably don't remember the names of is married to Laudna? Won't someone stop playing their character as a fully fleshed out person whose life is entirely unaffected by Laudna and Imogen's respective love lives? Oh and then Bor'Dor did ask about the relationship, and it was because it was a weakness and he was trying to infiltrate.

Quite literally? It goes as far as the gods! Why didn't they save Laudna? To which I'd say sure, let's explore what happens if they did! Let's follow this thread! Do they just save Laudna and maybe her family and no one else? Why Laudna? Does she get saved at the expense of some other dark-haired girl in Whitestone? Or perhaps they save everyone. Perhaps the De Rolos remain in power, and Campaign 1 doesn't fucking happen I guess, and Laudna grows up, and she lives out the rest of her life in Whitestone, and she's a woman in her 50s now - maybe even married, perhaps with children - and has never been to Marquet and wouldn't know or care about some random 20-something with purple hair. Like, what are you driving at here? Maybe the gods let Laudna die because that was the only way to bring her to Imogen. Ever think of that? (alternately: how do you know they didn't? What if Laudna's undead state has to do with Vecna? You didn't specify if it was the Primes or the Betrayers, or how she gets saved; she's still living after a hanging, which some might consider a miraculous gift. What if it was the Dawnfather acting through the Sun Tree? Can you describe what you want the gods to have done and where that puts us in 843 PD or do you just say shit hoping no one will ever poke at it?) When do the gods intervene? Do they make sure nothing bad ever happens to anyone? Are mortals just dolls the gods move around with no free will?

So anyway. I don't think these feelings about Liliana are based on mirroring Imogen's thought process. I do not think there is a level of consideration that Imogen and Laudna have motivations (motivations mean they can be something other than perfect flawless victims who found each other). It is simply "Imogen wants this, Laudna will validate anything she does, and so it's correct." The party line for anything else "fuck your trauma, fuck your dead family and dead loves, fuck your own hopes and dreams and goals: you exist only to fawn over two random-ass women. It doesn't matter if they are strangers to you. It doesn't matter if you've only met one of them. It doesn't matter how they act towards you. It doesn't matter if you're one of them, if you step out of line. This is your sole purpose, and if you fail, you're not a person to me." There's absolutely no thought put into the implications of anything they say beyond "it supports the ship, or, if not, it perpetuates the blameless, perfect and thus boring frozen state of the characters."

[eldritch-spouse]

which of your ocs would be an absolute skullfucker and no i will not be elaborating

[Fucking finally. If you're not elaborating, then I will. If you didn't mean literal skull fucking, then it's your fault for not elaborating anon.]

TW: HEAVY GORE.

Kalymir should come as no surprise to anyone. There are many forms of domination to exert over a fallen foe, and fucking the brains out of their skull is one of the most satisfying/humiliating. He'll sometimes go as far as to make sure to crack the back of someone's cranium just so he has an excuse to do this (although the sockets are fine too, if not a bit small). Kaly loves flaring the spikes on his cock so he can rip out more gray matter with every thrust. You may or may not be tasked with cleaning his dick afterwards.

Ludwig gets urges sometimes, just like most Wrath demons. Hell, he's probably had wet dreams about fucking your skull open and then had to lie about it. He's very calm for his type as you already know, but that doesn't mean sometimes Lud isn't driven to extremes and provoked consistently enough to give in. He's definitely fucked some skulls before, and the post nut clarity has him even angrier.

Obie is noteworthy, in the sense that he's not really too into the idea of putting his cock in there, but gluttons have the longest tongues and the biggest appetites, so he's definitely wiggling it around someone's skull and pulling chunks out. Might even eat the whole thing, bone included.

Nebul is more of a mind fuck type of guy. But when pets fail, they still have many uses. In fact, they can be sold to people who don't really want something long-term. Nebul doesn't make mistakes often, but sometimes he'll tweak a little too hard and someone's psyche shatters, his anger at such complex work being destroyed flares and he fucks the lost cause's sockets until they flicker out of consciousness.

Vinnel is also another one you probably expect. If he's the type of guy who will make holes in others to fuck, then he's definitely going to shove that horror cock in someone's sockets, or the back of their head after a good aim game with the crowd. If they're still mildly aware of things enough to cry and spasm, he's going to come harder than ever.

Krulu is kind to you sexually. And not too harsh on his servants' bodies either. But everyone else is subjected to true cruelty, as he'll tear them from ass to mouth without care and play with whatever part of said sad sap he prefers. Skull fucking was more prevalent in the void, when his desperate mind didn't know what to do with the few other prisoners tossed in there. He's grown a taste for this, and it sticks to him even to this day. He could lightly try to fuck yours one day, but it's quite risky.

Morell thinks every part of the long pig should be eaten, including the brain, but clientele doesn't always agree. Sometimes he's nice enough to give piggies a swift end, other times he cleaves their fucking head open and takes a bite before shoving his cock in there to cream it. Yeah, it's wasting food, but it's also a mind-melting orgasm that has him crushing the bone to a pulp in his pleasure. He should do it more often.

Shags internalized a lot from spending his youth with Morell, and he acquired some even more somber tastes as a result of that. He's not a brutal skullfucker, in fact, it's usually his failed muses that are subjected to this, or Morell's dying useless pigs. He whispers about how much of a mercy it is, how it'll all be over soon, pace gentle as he caresses the poor person's shattered head and floods them in cum before it all fades away.

Vesper has, does and will continue to fuck people to death. Usually only those who seek to genuinely harm him or overthrow his rule. A hole is a hole, after all, and if you ever catch Vesper in the midst of this, you'll realize how much of a beast he really is, and why people respect him. Because the look on his face is the same ecstasy when he fucks anyone else, it's the same to him. He'll dislocate jaws, tear holes in someone's throat, fuck through their organs, anything to leave a puddle of cum in every crevice of his challenger's body.

In a similar vein, Santi can and will skull fuck someone who attempts to kill him as well. Or, which is more likely to happen, rail the brains out of some ballsy concubus that didn't quite get the message when Santi told them to leave his territory. It's fine, he'll drill the message into that little fuck pocket of a head they have.

This might not quite count, but Patches enjoys getting skull fucked. Stitches, on the other hand, is the one that's more likely to drill into someone's head during a fit.

A lot more characters can be driven to skull fucking, but these are the ones that jump out to me.

[stuairi675]

Entry 5: 23/10/24 - Why Bela Lugosi is the Scariest Vampire of Film

No this isn’t meant to come across as pretentious. I know the film is old as balls and as such is about as thrilling as a sock puppet opera operated by your nan (which doubles playfully as a description of the effects on display, especially if you’re watching the American one and not the Spanish).

I’m not trying to be snooty about the Draculas that followed, look down at them and proclaim myself as the most cultured dude at the Monster Mash, but Dracula 1931 I think possesses a quality that all following iterations quite lack. 

And this lacking isn’t necessarily a bad thing, they’re just different, and different is good, particularly when it comes to a character as prevalent as our Vlad. It’s why Doctor Who has survived so long. Characters like Dracula, or James Bond or the Joker that seem to transcend the original actors that portrayed them need variety or they’ll straight up wither and  die with the rest of their zeitgeist. Just look at the ragged remains of Indianna Jones: every time they stick Harrison Ford’s haggard jowls onto the poster of another modern foray into that franchise a bit of me just wants to get on my knees and beg for them to put him out of his misery (Indianna Jones, not Harrison, although there is an argument for that if his appearances on recent talk shows are anything to go by).

Moving on…

I goddamn love vampires. Always have. Every aspect, every version - even the stupid shit. From the horror shlock of the Hammer Sequels to the bedazzled luminescence of the tween vampire romance craze. 

It’s funny this, because in terms of media presence I’ve begun to consider them, if not the opposite, then as some sort of bizarro reflection of elves (I mean I defy you to watch Blade or Underworld and tell me those aren’t just alt elves). And whilst my opinion of elves has already been well logged, I find myself regarding vampires with more favour, perhaps because they make no bones about how much they’d be dicks to humanity if they actually existed. Elves would be superior around you, but pretend not to know the reason why; vamps would straight up call you an inferior worm and have you on your knees, and I find something about that oddly… appealing… 

Ahem. Moving on.

And of course, if you like vampires it stands to reason that you’d bloody love Dracula, and if that’s the case, you're spoiled for choice when it comes to varieties. I should know, me and my brother for the past couple of months having been going through as many Universal Monster movies as we could get our mitts on, and naturally that results in quite a helluva lot of Draculas, but the one that has consistently stayed with me throughout is, arguably, the first (sorry Nosferatu, you’re cool but you go out a bit like a nerd).

And the specific thing that stays with me about Dracula 1931’s performance is his inhumanity, or rather the inhumanity subtly hiding behind his delivered humanity. This may seem like an odd thing to comment upon as, given the constraints of film making at the time, he, arguably, is the Dracula version that spends most time as a human, and it seems like all future iterations want to do is emphasise how much a monstrous beast he truly is/has become (Dracula 1958, Bram Stoker’s Dracula, Dracula Untold etc,) ergo 1931 has to be the most human seeming Dracula, surely? He’s just a guy, afterall.

I disagree. I think the opposite is true.

And this is a pretty typical result when a creative work is met with constraint - innovation. They couldn’t have him transform into an enormous man-bat thing and clatter a werewolf across a laboratory (Van Helsing), and they couldn’t have him fly about the place, hissing and tearing out throats (Hammer Dracula and Bram Stoker’s Dracula respectively), so what did they do? 

They made his human presence the scariest fucking thing in the world.

And no it’s not the scariest thing in terms of like shock horror, but cerebrally, it chills me to the bone. The Dracula in Dracula 1931 is an inhuman monster, put on this earth to do little more than feed on the blood of humans. He has no ulterior motive, no reincarnated love, no tragic backstory, just all the powers of the night, a preference for O negative and a one track mindset - feed.

I’m reminded of two things when I see him: Rob Zombie’s Halloween and John Carpenter’s The Thing (crazy, I know). The former comes from the little speech Dr Loomis gives when talking about Micheal Miers (the er, killer, not Shrek, unless some serious revelations come to light about the Shrek one, in which case, both) in where he says: “These eyes do not see what you and I can see. Behind these eyes, one finds only blackness, the absence of light. These are the eyes of a psychopath.”

That is the most fitting description I can come up with when it comes to Bela Lugosi’s performance. There is nothing behind those eyes. They’re not even bestial, they’re just empty. All that dialogue, all those interactions, all those little touches - fake. 

And this comes in quite beautifully with my comparison with the Thing, because the Thing is a creature of near perfect mimicry, down to the cell, down to the personality, and I just find the concept of a creature as soulless and hollow as either the Thing or Dracula being able to so effectively mimic human behaviour without possessing even a glimmer of humanity themselves so god damn unnerving. 

It’s a lure, an angler fish’s lamp, aggressive mimicry directed specifically at humans. And it makes you wonder. If whatever Dracula presents himself as is fake, what is he really like? We’re given no other possibilities, so we’re left having to just assume there’s nothing. 

I just find something so inherently terrifying about this concept, the harsh simplicity to Dracula 1931's existence. All the other Draculas have some aspect of them that's recognisable as being human, be it wrath, pride, lust, happiness and so forth. A descent into beasthood still comes from a human place, and even when they morph into some ungodly puppet or cg beast, there's still something in that we, as humans - living, breathing, thinking, sentient creatures - can understand. Contemplating the higher brain functions of Dracula 1931 is like trying to contemplate the structure of the void.

To bring in a third movie comparison: insect politics. The associated vampiric creature with our Vlad shouldn’t ever have been a bat, or a wolf - it should have been a spider.

There is no love, no compassion, no mercy, no soul, no person. Behind those eyes, there are no thoughts, save for the instincts of an ambush predator.

That is all there is: the prey, the predator, the latter’s dark, endless hunger and whatever means through which it might be able to sate it. 

Ruairi

P.S: I know Bela Lugosi wasn’t the first on screen Dracula either, but like… he’s first anyone cares about so like shut up.

[jynjackets]

Sorry to ask but why did you call Adria sexist? What has she done?

I don’t mind the question. I think it’s important to back up my claims so here we go.

If you watch her interviews, she's weirdly consistent about this really odd opinion she has about women.

Here she basically says men and women have different attributes when it comes to strength and toughness (which is sexist). Talking about her character that is known to "talk like a woman, walk like a woman," I don't even know what this means. But it comes off that she thinks there exists a single way a woman should act. Her character being a typical feminine-damsel type also implies her preference for this stereotype.

Reading through her other interviews she has a very narrow idea of what a woman should be, especially when it comes to ‘taking care of men’ and whatnot. I want to be clear it is one thing with having personal preferences to how you want your female characters to be presented, which is totally fine, preference is preference. But why this is problematic and moves past mere preferences is because she is saying one is better than the other. That women should be represented in this certain way.

She's done this not with just her latest character, but a lot of them.

Here she says her character is a "real woman" implying that there is a way to be an authentic woman as opposed to an inferior type. She also implies that her character is a real woman because she takes care of people. I don't feel the need to explain the issue with idealizing this.

It's again, her weird notion there's a difference between "tough" and "strong". Here she adds that women should 'own their femininity,' as if the opposite is what women are experiencing.

Not that this completely applies but it’s common for women who perceive other women to be adopting too ‘boyish’ of traits, to believe they are misogynists and rejecting their own kind. But this generally isn’t true— and the real issue with this is that it’s actually those that show conventionally masculine traits that are typically a minority and/or marginalized across women. Studs, butches, and tomboys helped pave the way and redefined culture for all women. In reality, they can be considered the epitome of feminism – proving that you don’t have to look, think, or act “like a woman” to be a woman.

It's, again, fine she may have had a preference. But to make a whole career where women are meant to be portrayed a certain way is such a red flag for me. Especially when she likens herself to them.

The rest of her snippets, to be very honest, it's just a bad fucking vibe I get from her, man. Like why would you say this?

and this?

"Sexist," one might say, might be a rather strong claim for someone who may, arguably, insist on a certain portrayal for women?

No, it fits because not only is this "preference" already largely overrepresented in media, but there are several ways of being sexist. The actress especially is exhibiting what is known as benevolent sexism, a more socially accepted form of sexism prevalent among both men and women.

Examples of benevolent sexism include:

basing a woman’s value on her role as a mother, wife, or girlfriend

focusing attention and praise on someone’s appearance rather than their other attributes

believing that people should not do things for themselves, such as manage money or drive a car, because of their gender

A lot of these can be done without intentional malice very easily! It could be seen as a complement telling someone "wow! I love your braids and lipstick, you really look like a real woman," or "my character is special and great because she is such a good friend and so loyal to this male character" without adding anything else. These, no matter the intent, are still very stupid and sexist to say.

I guess it's important to note where I am coming from and it is that I fucking hate toxic radfems. I hate how lesbian spaces drown out studs and mascs. I hate terfs and people who gatekeep identities because a certain representation isn't good enough for them. And while this actress's crimes are likely a misdemeanor compared to these awful gatekeepers, I cannot stand the stupidity of any hint of lateral violence. Especially when you’re relatively rich and famous you have a responsibility to not hold people back.

I can see that for others it’s not a big deal, hence “socially acceptable”. But it’s ideas she spouts like these that are poisonous to progress. The point should be that there should be no expectation for women. You can be anything you want because you want to. It's when I see comments to the things she says that make my blood boil like “yea! I love women who aren't so in our face ” (aka I don't want female characters with agency or opinions or as the lead) or “this is what a real woman is, sensual and feminine” (aka sexualized, long hair, tits, and ass).

I’m not above giving her the benefit of the doubt that she’s just kind of dumb. Like she’s not out here with a tradfem agenda or whatever. Outside of sexism she’s just bad at explaining anything. This is the last time I’ll probably criticize this woman because I already blocked her tag and she’s a flop anyway so she's easily ignorable. I really hate hating on women because they’re criticized enough, but there is a standard to be met when it comes to being aware and respectful. I wish I was cherry picking but I found all these interviews in like a 20 minute Google search and that's pretty damn telling of her career. She's also like 30 something years old. It's difficult watching a full adult infantilize her own character or see people believe she's "just naïve" when you can just say that they're being sexist.

[aguineapigcouldntdothis]

this is so long please read if it interests you and skip if it doesnt i genuinely just couldnt stop thinking of things to add.

i used to wonder why antisemites would constantly make up criticisms about zionism that are either blatantly false or a misunderstanding of facts. especially when jewish antizionists have consistently been able to find real criticisms of zionism and analyze them based on jewish history and personal experience (tbh i dont consider any goyim to be antizionist or zionist but that's not the point). it's definitely not a problem of "valid criticisms of zionism dont exist". even when i dont agree with jewish antizionists i usually understand how they got to their conclusion and i find it fully respectable. also when i say factual/valid criticisms i dont just mean shit i personally agree with. im a zionist with plenty of criticisms about the movement (yeah I know it's ironic). all i mean by that is a criticism of zionism that is backed up by facts.

imo antisemites either explicitly or implicitly know that if they look up factual criticisms of zionism they'll also have to learn about the positive stuff. it's all intertwined. to a lot of jewish people this isnt that big of a deal. we're raised to ask questions and we're taught how to formulate a good argument from a young age. its pretty normal for us to critique things that we generally support or find postives in things we generally critique. however, goyim are much less likely to be raised this way. obviously some are but the dichotomy of good and bad is much more prevalent in goyische culture than jewish. of course we know some shit is good and other shit is bad, we're not fuckin idiots, but nuance is integral to us.

i dont know what it feels like to be raised in a culture with a strong difference between good and bad. it doesnt make sense to me at all. however id assume that that upbringing combined with social media, which favors quick, shocking information, would result in something like goyim constantly glazing over factual critcisms of zionism and just making shit up. the made up shit is simultaneously more gut-wrenching and easier to digest due to its simplicity. it's really fucking hard to accept that zionism is so complex if youve been taught that things are always just good or bad. and even harder if your activism began and ended with social media instead of a medium that favors long-form content.

you cannot research zionism without being whacked in the face with nuance. its the reason i research zionist history more than zionist theory because that shit is so confusing sometimes (said with love). learning about zionism isn't an easy task at all. ive been doing it seriously for around 5 years and casually since i was a small child and i still learn shit every day. if i studied zionism for hours every day id probably still have something to learn when i die.

antisemites do not like being called antisemites, so they try to learn things about jewish history and then fail. they dont actually care about the information they just want to seem like they know something. they are not doing this for the benefit of jewish people. they wont actually spread true jewish history or recommend jewish creators that could share correct information. they'll instead say bare minimum shit that makes themselves feel proud for saying the word "jewish" and their followers are making death threats towards zionists.

ive seen some goyim say some factual things about zionism and stay in their lane while doing so, both things i rlly appreciate. and time and time again they're met with antisemitic conspiracies, death threats, doxxing, etc. not as much as jewish people are but still a lot. most people are not ready and may never be ready to support jews through the good and the bad.

this ties into the idea of the "innocent" victim. the one who is pure and kind, who never said a bad word about anyone and saved baby mice from fires. this idea of the innocent victim exists in war, abuse, crime, literally anywhere where someone's human rights are violated. however even if someone is innocent in a particular situation most people are not 100% good and innocent all the time. there's a few exceptions like babies (although i do know some babies that are fucking assholes) but in general people are a mix of good and bad.

jewish people do not shy away from being both good and bad. we embrace it with open arms and even though we try to improve our bad traits we dont fear them. "the only good jew is a dead jew" is fitting because when someone is dead you can make so much up. you can pretend they were incapable of every doing anything even remotely bad. you can say the poor jew who died was your biggest inspiration even though you scoffed at them every time they opened their mouth.

and this is why antisemites hate zionism so much and love making up false critcisms. because it throws concepts like black and white morality, the desire to consume information quickly, and the innocent victim into the fucking mud. then it punches it and steps on it and kicks it. anything and anyone that favors simple information over complicated information, not matter how incorrect, is going to have a hard time discussing zionism. people want to know things, yet sometimes they dont wanna actually put in the work to learn the correct information from good sources because that's hard work and antisemites do not want to put in hard work regarding jewish history.

if you believe im gonna solve antisemitism singlehandedly then who the fuck do you think i am. this isnt going away anytime soon. however you can do shit to help. study zionism on your own time and develop your own opinions on it. i highly recommend focusing on 1-3 specific topics trust me it's really confusing otherwise. teach others about it when you feel safe to do so. share resources with them and encourage them to do their own research. maybe point them to a specific aspect that relates to an interest they already have, and if you're mentally able to handle it call out antisemitic misinformation. a lot of people will not listen but there will always be at least one person who just needs a little bit of help starting.

anyway i may do actual research on this in the future because observations and i might turn it into a proper essay. I'll write one version where i say fuck and another where I don't.

[savior-of-humanity]

I like to imagine that Y'shua's relationship with religion in general (especially God) is... very complicated.

First and foremost, it should be clarified that he's a (former) Jew. He abandoned Judaism because basically TL;DR the experience of losing his entire family - much less the extinction of the human race - during the events of Doom 1/2 impacted him so severely that his logical conclusion to the question of "Why would God allow this?" basically boils down to "God allowed this because He doesn't fucking exist".

I'd elaborate more about his relationship with Judaism before Hell, but I am not a Jew, and I do not want to misrepresent a religion I frankly don't have a lot of knowledge about. "But Sharky," you're probably asking, "Why the fuck did you make him a Jew if you're not a Jew yourself?"

Y'shua is related to BJ Blazkowicz, as in his universe, the events of Doom 1/2 take place around under a hundred years after the events of The New Colossus/Youngblood. BJ is canonically a Jew himself (specifically, he's a mix of American and Polish-Jewish ancestry) - so I'd imagine that, you know, it'd be a pretty prevalent and persistent among BJ's descendants over the next five generations between himself and Y'shua. It's just a consistency thing. I'd go into more detail but like I said, I don't want to accidentally disrespect the religion.

Anyways!

I think after the events of Doom 1 and 2, Y'shua would've hated the idea of being revered in any way whatsoever, whether it's by demons (though it's obviously not in the sense of them actually idolizing him) or by the Night Sentinels. The idea of him being worshipped, let alone him bowing down to any god-like authority, genuinely makes him sick to his stomach. After all, God isn't real - only the hungering darkness that lies in the space between voids is.

That being said.

There's a very interesting scenario where, if God really did exist and it turned out He did absolutely fucking nothing to stop the events of Doom 1/2, and if you told Y'shua that?

He would break.

Like. You have to understand the sheer amount of rage and hate and anguish and so many other emotions he experienced after witnessing the death of the human race, and his loved ones being slaughtered. He fought in Hell, almost non-stop, for HUNDREDS OF YEARS. He literally has DIED and willed himself back to life because he was too fucking angry to stay dead.

What do you think is going to happen when Y'shua finds out that the very God he abandoned was not only real, but ignored his desperate prayers for the safety of his loved ones? Did absolutely nothing to stop the apocalypse that left the Earth devoid of all human life?

There are no words to describe the apocalypse that would follow, except for one phrase.

They are rage. Brutal. Without mercy.

But you?

YOU WILL BE WORSE.

[darkshrimpemotions]

Hi! just wanted to let you know, re: the last of us--the 'heartbreaking gay love story' is less a 'bury your gays' than it is a really beautiful portrait of a loving relationship even in the midst of a bleak world. there's no brutality that happens to either characters, and the heartbreak at the end is that of a life well lived, not one gone too soon. and wrt representation, ellie is a lesbian in the game and they're keeping her gay in the tv show so bill and frank aren't just a one off.

Love and light but I am zero percent interested in further queer rep from a piece of media whose first queer rep attempt ends in a double suicide.

Yes, I understand the narrative context of the death and that it makes sense for the story and is an improvement on the game. I get all of that. I don't need it explained to me, actually.

Because that doesn't make it not a bury your gays. That doesn't magically exempt it from being two more dead queer characters in a long history of dead queer characters. That doesn't isolate it from the cultural context of queer characters constantly being relegated to the margins of mainstream media where they can only exist insofar as they can be palatable to or ignored by straight audiences. That they framed it really well in the story doesn't absolve them of adding to that legacy, any more than giving a narrative reason for a sexist costume absolves a writer of putting women in sexist costumes.

If you enjoyed it or got something positive out of it, I'm glad for you. I'm glad it was beautiful, for you. I'm not even saying full stop that writers should never write about death when it comes to queer characters. After all, we all do die eventually. But they and straight audiences need to understand what context those stories are existing in. Bury your gays isn't about the method or narrative surroundings of the death. It's about the constant, consistent prevalence of death being the ending to queer stories, and what that's like to experience as a queer person.

And to be frank, I am on week 2 of clueless straight friends and relatives constantly begging me to watch this shit with no warnings attached, because they don't see any issue with shoving my queer disabled ass at a story where a queer disabled man and his lover kill themselves. And so my patience with people trying to explain to me why it's not really bury your gays is tissue paper fucking thin at this point.

It IS part of the bury your gays trope, and also this new little method of queer catching TV writers are doing where they squeeze the whole love story into a single episode so their straight viewers can easily skip it. And I'm so fucking tired of this shit.

If writers are going to claim to write for us, they need to actually think about what it's like for actual queer people to experience these stories. And straight people recommending these stories to their queer loved ones also need to consider what it's like for us to have every tryhard pseudo-progressive straight person in our lives badger us to watch these stories while withholding any trigger warnings so we can "experience it fully," because to them queers dying is a plot device, acceptable if well enough executed.

It isn't for us.

[friendlyengie]

ok actually I want to do my own thoughts on why tf2 is Like That.

obviously the easiest gimme is how easy the characters are to recognize. I think the psychology or whatever behind their easily recognizable silhouettes and simple yet effective specific design traits have been talked about into the ground but it’s very true. Put a hat on a guy and give him dog tags. The Sout.

but the other thing is just how fucking Many of them there are. 9 main characters in game with their unique voicelines and tinges of backstory in the comics and meet the merc vids, that’s enough to get a guy to start pounding on the ground like an ape if you’re a Character Enjoyer. And then you have the less prevalent guys who are still like. More recognized in the tf2 lore even if they rarely (if at all) make appearances In game. Saxton, Admin, Pauling, etc. and then you go really fucking deep and all the certified “guy with 2 seconds of screen time” fans can dig up all those freaks in the corners of the comics and shit. You know.

And then it’s just like. Tf2 has nothing lore. Not as in it doesn’t have any lore, it just. It’s nothing. There’s no consistent theme aside from the fact that it’s absolute nonsense. The official comic series has a story, and I love them, but it’s all built on plot contrivances and killing characters like 3 different times and they all come back normal and fine. Something something Shakespearicles is the strongest writer to have ever lived. “Tf2 takes place in the 1960s” yes and it does make for a good basis for aesthetics and stuff. But also no it doesn’t. Don’t lie to me. The 1960s of tf2 is but a phantom of the 1960s we know. Sex Bomb was released in 1999. but that means you can literally do whatever. Respect the timeline as much as tf2 writers do, which is to say literally not at all. Do whatever the fuck you want and tint it with a vintage color palette. It’s awesome.

It’s just kind of prime “put a guy in a situation” media isn’t it. These guys were kind of built to be put in a wacky situation. Faces built for tv . Sits in the corner and sighs . Anyways. The absolute nonsense that is the canon lore mixed with the slivers of actually caring about these characters keeps you around. Most people like to care about characters, to be invested in their emotions or whatever, so when media is just downright mean spirited about its characters it makes it a little embarrassing to bother to care. But sometimes tf2 will drop something like Scout’s Death Scene and Spy’s Confession or “Btw demo has like the most fucked up backstory ever what is wrong with him” or give Engineer ties to the administrator and also the canonical tfc engineer and also the backstory of why tf2 is tf2 as a whole, or The War Update. And it makes you go ough. Ohoho. Ok. These characters can be ridiculous and it’s good but also there’s enough depth that you can also bite into them like a ripe pear and it rules.

funny hat game. Never let anyone tell you you can’t dress up the mercenaries. “He would not fucking wear that-“ have you SEEN this guys cosmetics? Shut up. A dress is like the least of your concerns. You like to dress up a funny guy don’t you? Yeah you do. Go dress up a funny guy.

And then just like. Sort of as a result of the baseline that the source set up and also the community that the fan base fosters, people Love to put those guys in situations. That one post that’s like. The tf2 mercs are Greek gods to them or whatever. They exist in so many forms. People went fucking nuts over Emesis Blue dude, a horror movie (and it is a movie, let’s be real here) featuring Catholic Guilt Medic Tf2. And that was recent. I haven’t even been around long enough to say anything about the prevalence of sfm animation in the fanbase. Put that guy in a situation to the Extreme. Reinvent that guys narrative. (Mindset with varying success but you know.) I don’t know a thing about any freak fortress character but those guys are like their own self sustaining ecosystem.

And then there’s just a lot to say about how customization of characters leads to a lot of potential for oc creation and the world is big enough to also support that, and even if it’s not, Literally who cares. They have a wizard in that game. Nothing is off the table anymore. Do whatever you want. I don’t care.

How does tf2 do that to people.

[zalrb]

3 Nick and June 5x09 Thoughts

OK granted, I just skimmed this episode but I found their scene together to be rich with so much nuance so I’m going to do what I always do, break down my interpretation.

1. 5x09 Nick and June

were giving me Early Seasons Nick and June vibes.

In the first two seasons, I said that one aspect of Osblaine that I relished was their ‘in between’ moments because I found those moments to be where we really saw how much June loves Nick even though she wasn’t ready to verbalize that (from a previous response to an anon who said they didn’t think June loved Nick):

I think it’s clear that June loves Nick and the reason why I think it’s clear is because there are moments in almost every one of their scenes that show this.

I think we have the more direct moments:

and the more direct gestures/facial cues:

But what makes it clear for me, are the moments between that, because that’s when you see her struggle and attempt to reconcile all of her situations.

[...] in 2x07, as I already mentioned, she has the “what about you?” line and they have the passionate kiss

but it’s this that I find telling:

because she allowed herself to give in completely, lose herself completely, and be with Nick and this reaction is a culmination of things [...] but I also think it’s a self-admonishment because she allowed herself to just love Nick with that kiss.

And their scene and the dialogue around Nick this episode reminded me of this because June attempts to control her expressions. When Mark tells her he offered Nick a way to come to Canada, which is still on the table, she does her best not to smile

even when he mentions his name, she tries not to smile

which also happens when Mark says that he can set up a meeting between the two of them that very day

she does her best to react as if this is just business, this is just a means to an end

because she’s committed to her life in Canada now, she promised Luke that she would be “there.”

And when she sees Nick waiting for her,

like she’s seen him do many times before

(or appear to her like many times before)

she’s trying not to feel that pull, that jolt, that relief, that joy, she presses her lips together

to stop herself from doing this

but everything she’s trying to contain comes out anyway, and I think it’s important to note that it comes out when she realizes that Nick isn’t going to have a handmaid in his house because Rose is pregnant

like she’s shocked

but she’s also almost happy

because Nick will not participate in the Ceremony, Nick is still Nick, the same man she had to plead with so he would consummate his marriage with Eden.

While there’s also I think a bit of sadness and jealousy mixed in

But the moment he starts walking toward her, she’s grinning and flirtatious and familiar and knowing

because she can’t help it, the affection is there, the love is there, it’s very reminiscent of 2x12

which is especially evident in the way she says “I love you” which leads me to

2. When June says this

it definitely brought me back to 4x09

which then brought me back to 2x12

which then brought me back to 1x03

This idea of each other as their ... not even fantasy but as their peace, this idea that they would be happier and they would be content and they would be free if everything else went away and they remained or if everything else remained but they went away, that’s prevalent, and consistent with them and so beautiful especially since Nick’s response is saying the world can’t go away for a little bit because it’s going to be difficult for us to see each other

and June’s response is I don’t want to fuck up your life

 but what really struck me about their entire exchange is the mutual sense of understanding and stubbornness about the “everything else” where they are both like, I have people I need to look out for and consider

I am coming to you as someone whose second nature is to ensure the safety of my family no matter the cost

June has seen what Nick will do for his family because he did it for her and Holly

and Nick has obviously seen what June will do for her family because of everything she has done and tried to do and is doing and will do for Hannah

but then after all of that is established, their obligations, their commitments, their charges, Nick tells her he loves her, thereby being like, you know even with Rose, even with my unborn child with Rose, I’m in love with you, and he says it in this matter-of-fact, my-feelings-haven’t-changed, I-will-always-be-in-love-with-you kind of simple, Nick way,

which he’s done in the past

and June is breathless and on the verge of tears because she can’t not say it back, not when she feels it this powerfully, not with everything they’ve been through and the way she lowers her head is one of those “in between” moments to me because she’s at conflict, because their lives are moving on without each other and yet they’re always present in each other’s lives, her love for him is always there so how can she still contain it?

3. Their physicality. I have also always said that Nick and June have a magnetic quality to their connection

 ok, can we talk about...                                                        

The way Nick and June are so attuned to each other? I mentioned it in a previous post of mine, citing more the magnetic quality they have where you see them drawn toward each other [...] I’ve already spoken about 1x08, how June turns away at the last possible moment, the way her eyes close at his touch, the way he hovers near her, that magnetic pull and physical attune

and you see that in this scene, he leans forward a bit and she leans forward a bit too

and the urge to kiss is so strong, Nick is about to do it and June is about to let him, it’s what they both want, it’s what they both feel, it’s what they both need, but their messy world hasn’t gone away so he curbs such a natural impulse, particularly since June and Nick are physical outside of sex there’s always this urge to physically connect

and June is breathless with the nearness of it and the absence.

and OH MY GOD THE ANGST.

Thank you @splitscreen​ @skyshipper​ @pegscarters​ @give-me-a-thousandkisses​ @midniightsrains @resistancerising56​ for all of the good gifs.

[elriell]

Two Mates? Elriel & (El)ucien Theory.

These are just a few of my thoughts compiled together regarding having two mates, the signs and breadcrumbs Sarah has incorporated. If you know me you know am a Lucien fan so this is nothing hateful towards him and we will be looking at his place within it all as well, that being said this will have bond rejection/misalignment talk so if that is not your cup of tea I understand and you can skip this! As always I would love to hear everyones thoughts so long as we are all respectful ♡

Let's start by discussing the where the two ships align and parallel mates behaviour, and then we will discuss where their arc's veer from each other...

“TOUCH HER, SMELL HER, TASTE HER– THE INSTINCTS WERE A RUNNING RIVER.” (Lucien in ACOWAR about the mating bond.)

“Letting his scarred fingers touch her immaculate skin. Letting them brush the side of her throat, savoring the velvet-soft texture.”

“Azriel's fingers lingered at her nape, atop the first knob of her spine. Slowly, Elain pivoted into his touch. Until his palm lay flat against her neck.”

“They'd exchanged looks, the occasional brush of their fingers, but never this. Never blatant, unrestricted touching. ”

“He prayed she didn't peer down. Prayed she didn't understand the shift in his scent. ”

“Her arousal drifted up to him, and his eyes nearly rolled back in his head at the sweet scent. He'd beg on his knees for a chance to taste it. ”

“He needed to know what the skin of her neck tasted like. What those perfect lips tasted like.”

“This one moment, and maybe a taste, and that would be it.  

“Yes" Elain breathed, like she read the decision. Just this taste in the dead of the longest night of the year, where only the Mother might witness them. ”

Now you can easily parallel this to any of SJM's mates, like Feysand or Nessian. But for the sake of brevity I will leave you with the original link to the wonderful @suelky post where it was pointed out w/ Feysand quotes as well. [source]

Also "The instincts were a running river.” sounds a little like “Azriel’s Siphons guttered, the stones turning as dark and foreboding as the deepest sea."

The Bonus POV has a lot of typical "Mates" behaviours manifesting between Elain and Azriel, and it would make sense this would be a extreme POV shift as we have never been inside either of their heads before so we were bound to have a major learning curve, especially with Az who is so reserved with his emotions.

“But Lucien’s attention went right to the hallway toward the back, his nostrils flaring as he scented Elain’s direction. And who she’d gone with. A low snarl slipped out of him—”

“So you will leave Elain alone. If you need to fuck  someone, go to a pleasure hall and pay for it, but stay away from her."  Azriel snarled softly.”

There are countless main trio parallels but most of you are aware of which one is my favourite...

“Knelt on those stars and mountains inked on his knees. He would bow for no one and nothing— But his mate. His equal.”

“Her arousal drifted up to him, and his eyes nearly rolled back in his head at the sweet scent. He'd beg on his knees for a chance to taste it.”

"Every instinct in his body came roaring to the surface, so violent he had to choke them with a brutal grip or else he'd find himself on his knees, begging her for touch, for anything."

And on to where they go their separate ways from a textual perspective;

"Elain only shrank further into herself, no trace of that newfound boldness to be seen.”

“Rhys kissed the hollow of my collarbone, and my core went utterly molten. “My brave, bold, brilliant mate.”

“You can give everyone that I Will Slay My Enemies look—which is my favorite look, by the way. You can keep that sharpness I like so much, that boldness and fearlessness. I don’t want you to ever lose those things, to cage yourself.”

“And he had the nerve once his powers were back to shove me into a cage. The nerve to say I was no longer useful; I was to be cloistered for his peace of mind.”

“Remember that you are a wolf. And you cannot be caged.” He kissed my brow one more time, my blood thrumming and boiling in me, howling to draw blood.”

I think finding freedom and power from within is something that the books have emphasized through Feysand and Nessian's journey's. Which is so interesting considering Lucien and Elain are both feeling tied to each other, as if in a cage of sorts.

Elain herself has been stuffed in to a box of other peoples making throughout most of the series, it quite prevalent she might feel caged by their opinions of who she is.

"Maybe she was never given a chance to be that way." I whipped my head towards him. "You think I stifle her?" Rhys held up his hands. "Not you alone."

“Nesta had been right. It was like a prison, this place.” [Graysen's Manor]

“Shall I tend to my little garden forever?” When Nesta flinched, Elain said, “You can’t have it both ways. You cannot resent my decision to lead a small, quiet life while also refusing to let me do anything greater.”

“She ignored me, and saw Elain as barely more than a doll to dress up, but Nesta was hers. Our mother made sure we knew it. Or she just cared so little what we thought or did that she didn’t bother to hide it from us.”

And as for Lucien I think his duty and honour to her is what is caging him;

“I can’t stand to be in the same room as her for more than two minutes. I can’t stand to be in this court and have your mate pay for the very clothes on my back.”

“Why are you here?” Cassian asked, unable to help the sharpness. “Where’s Elain?”

“I am not always in this city to see my mate.” The last two words dripped with discomfort.”

“Why?” Not a flicker of emotion. “He is Elain’s mate.”

I waited. “It would be an invasion of her privacy to track him.”

Godbless Azriel for respecting Elain's privacy.

I think we would see/understand a lot more if we got a chance inside their heads but the one time we did see Lucien's POV we got a good glimpse at how he feels about his situation with Elain and it wasn't particularly positive and reminded me of Rhy's parents.

"She’d seen him not as a High Lord’s seventh son, but as a male. Had loved him without question, without hesitation. She had chosen him. Elain had been … thrown at him.”

“...to remember that she picked it. Picked me. That it’s not like my parents, shoved together.”

Not using the word cage per say but the implication isn't much better.

“You know them better than I do. But I will say that Lucien is loyal—fiercely so.”

“So is Azriel.”

I don't think the debate is really whether Lucien is deserving of her, or even Azriel for that matter, it is a question of who is actually right for her and vice-versa, who has she been consistently written to thrive and smile alongside. And that is Azriel.

Why does Sarah constantly put Azriel in the picture, from day DOT. She was screaming "hey look Azriel is here, and they would work magically together"

“And I think Elain—Elain would like it, too. Though she’d probably cling to Azriel, just to have some peace and quiet.” I smiled at the thought—at how handsome they would be together.”

There are several instances/evens that occur throughout the series that set both Elucien and Elriel's relationships apart, and I think it is highly intentional on Sarah's part...

“I said quietly, “We will get her back.” But Lucien was watching me warily. Too warily.”

“From the shadows near the entrance to the tent, Azriel said, as if in answer to some unspoken debate, “I’m getting her back.” Nesta slid her gaze to the shadowsinger. Azriel’s hazel eyes glowed golden in the shadows. Nesta said, “Then you will die.” Azriel only repeated, rage glazing that stare, “I’m getting her back.”

Or we can look at both Solstice's and the clear differences in how their relationships are growing, and also how well one and other know each other.

“Tell me when you knew,” he demanded, his knee pressing into mine. “That Rhysand was your mate. Tell me when you stopped loving Tamlin and started loving him instead.”

“He left the rest unspoken. Because her mate was here, sleeping a level up. Because her mate had been in the family room and Azriel had needed to stay by the door the whole time because he couldn't stand the sight of it, the scent of their mating bond, and needed to have the option  of leaving if it became too much.  Elain's large brown eyes flickered, well aware of all that.”

&

“I want to see her. Just once. Just—to know.” “To know what?” He hitched my damp cloak higher around us. “If she is worth fighting for.”

“Azriel stiffened. “I know. I helped rescue Elain, after all.” Az hadn’t so much as hesitated before going into the heart of Hybern’s war-camp.”

GIFTS REFLECTING THEIR RELATIONSHIP MILE MARKS

“Az ran a hand through his dark hair. “Are we …” Unusual for him to stumble with words. “Are we supposed to get the sisters presents?”

“I handed Elain the small box with her name on it. Her smile faded as she opened it. “Enchanted gloves,” she read from the card. “That won’t tear or become too sweaty while gardening.” She set aside the box without looking at it for longer than a moment. And I wondered if she preferred to have torn and sweaty hands, if the dirt and cuts were proof of her labor. Her joy.”

“Don’t forget that gardening often results in something pretty, but it involves getting one’s hands dirty along the way.” “And torn up by thorns,” I mused,”

“I didn’t dare mention that if she had been wearing the enchanted gloves Lucien had gotten her last Solstice, nothing would have pierced them at all.”

“He and Lucien did not exchange gifts, though the male had brought a gift for Feyre and one for his mate, who barely thanked him after opening the pearl earrings. Cassian’s heart strained at the pain etching deep into Lucien’s face as he tried to hide his disappointment and longing."

Not only is she visibly uninterested which is painful to watch, it also highlights how little he knows about her. SJM is creating a visible gap in their dynamic.

“The golden necklace seemed ordinary -- its chain unremarkable, the amulet tiny enough that it could be dismissed as an everyday charm. It was a small, flat rose fashioned of stained glass, designed so that when held to the light, the true depth of the colors would become visible. A thing of secret, lovely beauty. “It's beautiful," she whispered, lifting it from the box. ”

“My Nesta. Elain shall wed for love and beauty, but you, my cunning little queen … You shall wed for conquest.”

“I painted flowers for Elain on her drawer,” I said, sawing and sawing. “Little roses and begonias and irises. And for Nesta … ”

“She plucked another figurine from the mantel: a rose carved from a dark sort of wood. She held it in her palm, its solid weight surprising, and traced a finger over one of the petals. “He made this one for Elain. Since it was winter and she missed the flowers.”

“Elain bit her lip and then smiled sheepishly. “It’s for the headaches everyone always gives you. Since you rub your temples so often.”

“I led her into the sitting room, where Cassian had a bottle of amber-colored liquor in each hand, Azriel was already rubbing his temples,”

“She hadn't bought her mate a present. But she'd gotten Azriel one last year -- a headache powder he kept on his nightstand at the House of Wind. Not to use, but just to look at. Which he'd done every night he’d slept there.”

“Azriel unwrapped the box, glancing at the card that merely said, You might find these useful at the House these days, and then opened the lid.  Two small, bean-shaped fabric blobs lay within. Elain murmured, "You put them in your ears, and they block any sound. With Nesta and Cassian living there with you...”

See yet again a very thoughtful and funny gift on her part. Now at it's core even just simply comparing their general reactions says a lot about the story Sarah is putting forward.

"Silence again. Then Azriel tipped his head back and laughed. I’d never heard such a sound, deep and joyous.”

“He chuckled, unable to suppress the impulse. "No wonder you didn't want me to open it in front of everyone."  

Elain’s mouth twitched into a smile. "Nesta wouldn't appreciate the joke.”

“Elain bit her lip and then smiled sheepishly."

"Cassian’s heart strained at the pain etching deep into Lucien’s face as he tried to hide his disappointment and longing."

“She hadn't bought her mate a present. "

The writing is nothing if not clear about the discomfort both Lucien and Elain feel in regards to each other, though they lay under different reasons.

We are given multiple incidents in which we are told about how mating bonds are not perfect and we are given clear examples of it repeatedly, about woman enduring out of obligation, and do not forget this is heavily discussed literally in regards to Elain and her circumstances.

“She’d been revealed as his mate, and endured the miserable union mostly from gratitude for her unharmed wings.”

“You said your mother and father were wrong for each other; Tamlin said his own parents were wrong for each other.” I peeled off my dressing robe. “So it can’t be a perfect system of matching. "

“She glowed with good health. Except … Her brown eyes were wary. Usually, that look was reserved for Lucien. The male was definitely in the family room,”

“Elain had already departed with Feyre, claiming she had to be up with the dawn to tend to an elderly faerie’s garden. Cassian didn’t exactly know why he suspected this wasn’t true. There had been some tightness in Elain’s face as she’d said it. Normally when she made such excuses, Lucien was around,”

“Elain, the wretch, had taken the seat between Feyre and Varian, about as far from Lucien as she could get.”

VS

“That smile grew, bright enough that it lit up even Azriel’s shadows across the room. “I would like to build a garden,” she declared. “After all of this … I think the world needs more gardens.”

“Then his gaze shifted to Elain, and though it was utterly neutral, something charged went through it. Between them. Elain’s breath caught slightly, and she gave him a shallow nod of greeting before brushing past, leading Nesta into the room.”

What if ”—I jerked my chin toward the window, to my sister and the shadowsinger in the garden—“that is what she needs? Is there no free will? What if Lucien wishes the union but she doesn’t?”

“Can you truly fly?” He set down his fork, blinking. I might have even called him self-conscious. He said, “Yes. Cassian and I hail from a race of faeries called Illyrians. We’re born hearing the song of the wind.” “That’s very beautiful,” she said. “Is it not—frightening, though? To fly so high?”

“ I couldn’t tell if she was looking at his blue Siphon or at his scarred skin beneath as she breathed, “Beautiful.” Color bloomed high on Azriel’s golden-brown cheeks, but he inclined his head in thanks and led my sister toward the back doors into the garden, sunlight bathing them.”

“This is Truth-Teller,” he told her softly. “I won’t be using it today—so I want you to.”

“Never, Rhys said from where he finished buckling on his own weapons against the side of the wagon. I have never once seen Azriel let another person touch that knife.”

The romantic subtext is there and has been for quite some time, they prove it book after book when SJM continues to grow their bond and nurture it whilst breaking her connection with Lucien further apart, and for what reason?

“A mating bond can be rejected,” Rhys said mildly, eyes flickering in the mirror as he drank in every inch of bare skin I had on display. “There is choice. And sometimes, yes—the bond picks poorly. Sometimes, the bond is nothing more than some… preordained guesswork at who will provide the strongest offspring. At its basest level, it’s perhaps only that. Some natural function, not an indication of true, paired souls.”

“Why not make them mates?” I mused. “Why Lucien?” [...]

“I’m serious.” I turned toward him and crossed my arms. “What decides it? Who decides it?” Rhys straightened his lapels before plucking an invisible piece of lint from them. “Fate, the Mother, the Cauldron’s swirling eddies …”

“What if the Cauldron was wrong?”

“Just this taste in the dead of the longest night of the year, where only the Mother might witness them.”

“The Cauldron chose three sisters. Tell me how it's possible that my two brothers are with two of those sisters, yet the third was given to another.”

It is remarkably interesting to me that we are told about what Rhys suspects/believes is responsible for mating bonds, paralleled alongside Azriel questioning it all, I also think it is abundantly clear from his answer to Feyre he doesn't truly know for sure.

We also have several lines of dialogue talking about the sisters and fate, their reason for entering the IC's life. Not only that but we get a glimpse at Azriel's personality and how despite the world (Rhys and the mating bond in general) telling him to despair, he still found it in him to have hope the Cauldron could be wrong.

This is so significant, and she has carefully woven his character throughout the series to make this incredibly plausible.

“If I had not met a shadowsinger, I would not have known that it is the family you make, not the one you are born into, that matters. I would not have known what it is to truly hope, even when the world tells you to despair.”

“And then he said to my sisters, “We have not known each other for long. But I have to believe that you were brought here, into our family, for a reason, too. And maybe today we’ll find out why.”

“All three sisters blessed by fate and gifted with powers to match your own.”

“Even after the bond is rejected, they see her as belonging to them. Sometimes they return to challenge the male she chooses for herself. Sometimes it ends in death. It is savage, and it is ugly, and it mercifully does not happen often, but …”

“Oh, I can, and I will. If Lucien finds out you're pursuing her, he has every right to defend their bond as he sees fit. Including invoking the Blood Duel.”

As you can see even back in ACOWAR she was weaving the web for Elriel's journey and an upcoming Blood Duel/The threat of one.

“Many mated pairs will try to make it work, believing the Cauldron selected them for a reason. Only years later will they realize that perhaps the pairing was not ideal in spirit.”

I think it is pretty clear from all the quotes above that Lucien is no her ideal spirit and vice-versa to be frank when you put it side by side his budding relationship with Vassa or hers with Azriel they are clearly very different.

“On the continent, there are territories that believe the females literally belong to their mate. But not here. Elain would have our full protection if she rejects the bond.”

“Azriel's hand slid up her neck, burying in her thick hair. Tilting her face the way he wanted it. Elain's mouth parted slightly, her eyes scanning his before fluttering shut.  Offer and permission.  He nearly groaned with relief and need as he lowered his head toward hers. ”

Elain is choosing Azriel, choosing their bond over the one assigned to her time and time again... Back to mating bonds;

“The ancient healer jerked her chin toward Lucien. “See what he can do. If anyone can sense if something is amiss, it’s a mate.”

“The mating bond. It is a bridge between souls.”

"She pointed at Lucien as she saw herself out. “Try sitting down with her. Just talking—sensing. See what you pick up. But don’t push.”

“Can you hear mine?” He wasn’t sure if she truly meant to address him, but he said, “No, lady. I cannot.”

Her too-thin shoulders seemed to curve inward. “No one ever does. No one ever looked—not really.”

"Azriel’s hazel eyes churned as he studied my sister, her too-thin body. And without a word, he winnowed away. Mor watched the space where he’d been standing long after he was gone.”

“Should we—does she need …?” “She doesn’t need anything,” Azriel answered without so much as looking at Lucien.

Elain was staring at the spymaster now—unblinkingly. “We’re the ones who need …” Azriel trailed off. “A seer,” he said, more to himself than us. “The Cauldron made you a seer.”

“It made sense, I supposed, that Azriel alone had listened to her. The male who heard things others could not … Perhaps he, too, had suffered as Elain had before he understood what gift he possessed.”

“But Azriel nodded. “You knew,” he said to Elain. “About the young queen turning into a crone.” Elain blinked and blinked, eyes clearing again. As if the understanding, our understanding … it freed her from whatever murky realm she’d been in.”

Are you telling me that Madja saying a mate would know, would sense whatever is going on with her, and as it turns out Azriel was the one to sense and uncover it is solely what, a coincidence? Also to emphasize what she said about "A bridge between souls..." Where else have we heard that terminology? The Truth-Teller scene.

“I saw the painting in my mind: the lovely fawn, blooming spring vibrant behind her. Standing before Death, shadows and terrors lurking over his shoulder. Light and dark, the space between their bodies a blend of the two. The only bridge of connection … that knife.”

Not to mention this scene is simply iconic for a multitude of reasons, how poetic Feyre describes them, the clear soulmates/ying-yang subtext and him giving her something he has given no other but that's another story.

Azriel has also been displaying some very protective fiercely so mating vibes towards her,

“Azriel stilled. “What happened to Elain?” Cassian waved a hand. “A fight with Nesta. Don’t bring it up,” he warned when Azriel’s eyes darkened. ”

“Cassian surveyed the shadows gathered around Az. “You all right?” His brother nodded. “Fine.” But shadows still swarmed him.”

“Nesta saw the blow land, like a physical impact, in Elain’s face, her posture. No one spoke, though shadows gathered in the corners of the room, like snakes preparing to strike.”

“Azriel’s Siphons guttered, the stones turning as dark and foreboding as the deepest sea. “Where did Lucien go.”

I think there are some mixed opinions on Lucien and whether he deserves her (and vice-versa in this fandom) but I don't think that is what this comes down too, they are both handling it in the way they think best/following their instincts.

Lucien is hurting throughout this process as well, but I think ultimately it is honor and loyalty binding him to her not any genuine emotion for her as a human being fae. I think realising they are not meant for each other and supporting each other developing true bonds with other people will be their journey. And it would be a completely fresh and new view of a mating bond.

Smaller pieces of dialogue that need little explaining and a rather oddly specific choice of words in the latest book that is meant to set up the next one in the series:

“You’d know if she’d died,” Azriel said, pausing his work and looking up at Cassian. He tapped his brother’s chest with a scarred hand. “Right here—you’d know, Cass.”

“Elain and Feyre—that was the new status of things. The bond Elain had chosen.”

"I'd never do such a thing. you must be thinking of your other mate."

Honestly? At this rate I have no doubt Elriel are endgame and everything within canon text spells that out but I truly believe he will be her second mate/the will form a bond via some circumstance that shall arise due to these little hints.

I would love to hear your thoughts and/or additions because I by all means didn't do a massive deep dive and there are most likely tons more examples to add but I didn't want it to become overwhelming to read!

Hope everyone has a spectacular and magical evening <3

[bakugohoex]

“it’s why i love you”

pairing: atsumu miya x gender neutral reader

cw: language, angst, jealous atsumu, crying, season 4 spoilers, fluff and kissing

word count: 3600+

a/n: @horseanon--simpforall for helping me decide an ending this is the fluff ending i planned so i hope everybody enjoys it

summary: in which you and atsumu progress through the years of your relationship with atsumu realising just how important you are to him after the loss at nationals

↞ back to haikyu!! masterlist

Atsumu Miya hated his brother, it wasn’t an avid hatred of enemies, it was a hatred that stemmed from jealousy. He didn’t know when his jealousy of Osamu came from, but he knows the many occasions where he had wanted to run away and leave his twin behind. It wasn’t till he was 6 when his memories came flooding in of how much he hated his brother.

October 5th was a day both he and his brother had celebrated unanimously, even with it only being their 6th birthday it was a special occasion for the twins. Their bright smiles and fondness of one another is what had marked both of them inviting their whole class to a gathering at their house.

Streamers and balloons cascaded throughout the living room as their parents had bought two separate cakes just for the occasion. Both having fought over which one they were getting, it was supposed to be a happy day, supposed to be their day that was shared with all of their friends.

Atsumu realised the reality of it as their friends cascaded through the door, the two boys smiling as they waited for the happy birthdays to come from their classes mouth. The sound of Osamu’s singular name as gifts got passed to the more reserved twin, Atsumu’s face faltering as he watched his alleged friends hug and talk to Osamu without a care for the other boy.

He wouldn’t have lied and say it wasn’t the first time he had cried over a feeling of invisibility, how the people both he and Osamu had invited had disregarded the boy. Osamu looked over to his twin seeing him always walking away outside, about to go to him but being stopped by his friends he shook his head knowing Atsumu would get over it.

It wasn’t till he realised you, you who was walking behind Atsumu with a cheery smile, following the boy with your sweet smile. “Atsumu, happy birthday,” you spoke cheerily as the boy turned around, tears always welling in his eyes as he watched you push the gift up to his face. “I got both you and Osamu a gift, I already gave him his, here’s yours.”

“I…” Atsumu could barely speak with the tears in his eyes, he had expected the birthday to be a let down after being forgotten on the day. Watching over Osamu's friends, they weren’t his, they looked through him as if he was a ghost.

But you, with that bright smile and glistening eyes, pushing the wrapped present towards him, “I got you both different things, my mum said I shouldn’t tell you that though.”

You laughed heartily as he took the gift in his hands, the only gift from his class and it had come from you, a girl he barely knew but had invited out of courtesy, “thank yer, I ‘ant wait to open it.”

“Come on, let's go play,” you put your hand out as he looked at it hesitantly, before taking your soft fingers. A burst of childish excitement came from between you both as he placed the gift with his mother, she had noticed it herself, needing to talk to Osamu after the party about what had happened.

But the happiness she saw on her son, the way his eyes had a different shine as you both went to play with other toys his family had gotten him, made her heart burst. “The cake you have looks really yummy, Atsumu,” he crashes his car into the one you were playing with as you giggle softly, crashing your car back at his.

Atsumu had many memories of the times he had been chosen second to his brother, but in all of them it seemed like you had always brought a smile on his face. It wasn’t like as a child he was annoying, it was just his personality never meshed with anybody’s other than yours. It’s why when he started Volleyball with Osamu it had been hard to mesh with others.

His constant complaining as he lied across your bed as you flicked through the movies you both were going to watch together became a constant occurrence throughout the years. He was always glad you had never forgotten him on his birthday, now spending all of them with you, you had always gotten the twins different presents which had always fuelled the child’s ego.

“The team still hates ma,” Atsumu spoke as he grabbed a handful of popcorn from the bowl that was between your crossed legs.

“That’s not something to be proud of,” you said already knowing how the team felt about Atsumu due to being a manager of the junior high team, “you just gotta be nice, Atsumu.”

“’am nice.”

“You’re nice to me and that’s only rarely, learn how to work with others, not everybody is gonna be amazing from the get-go, Atsumu.” You and Atsumu often spent time together, Osamu being easily able to make friends on the team whereas Atsumu was often seen as the one who pushed people to their limits.

It wasn’t like his words weren’t a consistent occurrence, throughout his Junior High, the boy kept at it, people often wondering how you had coped with him for so long. It wasn’t till the three of you joined Inarazaki that his hunger to play volleyball became more prevalent and his love for you remaining the same.

The many fights that occurred between the two boys had been often observed by the team, Suna encouraging it as Aran stayed on the sidelines. The call of your name as you rushed into the gym to pull the two boys apart, shouting at both of them for being idiots as you gave a scowl that would haunt them till their deaths.

It was at this moment, Atsumu realised how much you cared for him…but how much you cared for Osamu as well.

He sat in your room, his hair being an issue that you had consistently provoked him about as he thought about his feelings for you. He had a week before he was leaving for the All-Japan Youth, he remembered how fucking happy you had been smiling at him as he got told he was attending. A new type of happiness you had felt for the boy.

You had really stuck with him for all these years, the way that you had become manager of a disastrous team who was now going nationals. You walked into your room seeing Atsumu at your desk staring at the photos upon photos you had with everybody. One that caught his eye being at his 6th birthday, the day he had found his person.

“I still think your hair needs some of that purple shampoo,” you spoke as you chucked the pillow at him.

“Yer mean toner yer idiot,” he mumbled as his concentration was on the other photos you had. One of you and Osamu at the twins 17th a couple months ago, it made him feel almost sick at the look of it but going against being a cunt for a day he moved towards you.

You went over to him, standing in front of him as he was forced to look at your chest and hips in your school uniform, “what do you want for dinner? My parents went out tonight, we can go to yours or we can go out, maybe invite Osam…”

“No.” He was quick in his response as you shook your head in confusion, “we should get take ‘way.”

“Oh okay, we can ask Osamu and Suna if they wanna come round as well,” Atsumu didn’t think you saw his shift in mood at the mention of his twins name, why you were bringing his name so much up, he didn’t know.

“They ‘er busy,” he lied as you were looking through some food that you both could order.

You hummed as you went to get your phone, Atsumu didn’t realise how even though he had classed you as his best friend. The person that Osamu couldn’t have as his own, you were still friends with his twin, you still saw him everyday, it was something Atsumu couldn’t change, he just needed to handle it.

But as he stared at your wall of pictures, a week after leaving you with his twin, maybe you’d forget him or see Osamu to be so much better than he was. He heard you call his name from downstairs as he went down the steps overthinking about all the occurrences that could occur.

Atsumu had left you a week after, waving a goodbye as he took the train to Tokyo, agitated and frustrated at himself. He shouldn’t be jealous of you being friends with Osamu, it wasn’t like he liked you or anything. Of course he didn’t, you were his best friend, his person, the person he wanted to be with forever…as friends though.

The hellish week came to an end in which it felt like it had been a month without you, he wanted to meet you just before Friday practice had ended. That’s all he had wanted to do, hug you, hold you, it wasn’t like he didn’t think or text you the entire week.

Even with Nationals coming up in a week you replied quickly to the boy, calling him when he was free, but the unnerving feeling Atsumu had felt the entire week had become prevalent as he jogged out of the train. Running throughout the city as he reached the school, it wasn’t too late, and practice would be long around this time of the year.

He just wanted to see you, it was a different feeling but almost similar, the same hunger and want he had when playing volleyball was clearly prevalent as he went towards the gym doors. The sound of your chuckle as you spoke to his twin, “he’s coming back ‘ommorow.”

“Yeah I can’t wait to see him, I missed him a lot,” Osamu almost gagged at your words.

“I ‘ad peace the entire week, now it’s ruine’,” you playfully elbow his side as he shakes his head at your antics, “people wonde’ how yer friends with him.”

“He’s my best friend duh, there's no reason, he’s just there for me,” you smile as Kita comes towards you asking about something.

Atsumu had stayed where the doors were, listening in as he was scared to open the doors, you would never replace him, you had shown it yourself. As he stepped through the doors, his bag was still on his shoulder as the team turned to meet him. “Idiot, I would’ve come and met you,” you smiled happily as you walked towards him.

Your arms opened as he took them, hugging you tightly as he hid his face in your hair, “A hear’d yer were missing ma.”

“Oh shut it, I would never miss your piss head,” you chuckled as he went towards the team, going through the people he met at All Japan, significant people he had managed to piss off by the seams of it.

Atsumu kept an arm lazily around your shoulder the entire time he spoke, almost clinging onto you as you listened in happily. “So yer basically annoying everybody and not just us,” Osamu mumbled as he looked hungry from practice.

You chuckled as you agreed with Osamu’s words, “we should get food, we only have a week till nationals…” the boys looked disgruntled at your words until you continued, “...it's on me.”

“Then of course Y/n, you’re a sugar mommy,” Suna spoke as you rolled your eyes.

Atsumu watched you and the boys begin to gather your stuff, the big coat your mother had bought you a year ago across you as winter had come quickly.

As the team walked together, Atsumu’s arm stayed closer to yours as you both walked ahead, “did you miss me then?”

You looked up at the tall figure, his ears freezing as he remained silent on your comment, you nudged him lightly before hearing him, “I did, yer my…my best friend.”

“Well you’re my best friend as well, idiot,” you chuckle as you all went into the ramen store, the boys picking overly expensive toppings leaving you penniless at the end, “you all owe me.”

They laughed as they began to eat. You had sat beside Osamu as Atsumu was speaking to Aran about something. Osamu stuffing his face with the food as you rolled your eyes, “I’m not paying for seconds Osamu.”

“’re yer callin’ ma fat,” you chuckled as he continued to slurp at the food. Atsumu watched your interactions with his brother, he had learnt from his week away, learnt from his words that you both were best friends. That his brother who didn’t realise himself could take you away from him.

It was what Atsumu was going to live by, because he knew staring and watching as you got some of the Ramen up your nose that you were his person. It was what remained with him throughout the week, throughout the first game and into the second game of nationals.

With seeing you with the coach, the cheering that quietened down when his serve occurred, that even though his fans found him attractive but a cunt. You saw the real him, you saw through his perfect sets, and perfect serves, the real him.

The winner of everything you believed in, you had only become manager to control the twins, but maybe more of you wanted to spend time with Atsumu, watching do the thing he loved. But seeing who he really was, seeing how tense he was as you passed the bottles of water and towels, talking to the team to help lift their spirits.

Giving a reassuring look to Atsumu, maybe that’s why you teared up when the sound of the whistle was blown. Why even through the cheer team, Atsumu's eyes were felt with fury for not playing at his best, for not winning, for not being able to play in a real game for another couple of months.

Maybe that was why the pain of losing had been worse for him, maybe it's why seeing you hug his brother after losing had made him lash out at you, as you came up to him.

Atsumu’s teary eyes at the loss of the second match, the loss for the upperclassman as you tried to put your hand on his shoulder. He shrugged you away as you looked at him softly, “you did amazing Atsumu.”

“Stop it, a don’t fuckin’ need yer ta say that okay Y/n?”

You nodded softly as you sat beside him, as he leaned against the wall, “there wasn’t anything you could’ve done to win.”

“Y/n, just leave, please,” he hated himself, hated having you see him as weak.

“At…”

He grabbed your wrist, fury running through him as he spoke coldly, “leave Y/n, I don’t need this right now.”

He let go as he faced away from you, you looked down at him, leaving him to his own thoughts. Atsumu didn’t want you to truly leave, he wanted to cry, hug you, just feel you play with his hair as he sobbed. That’s all he wanted, but as you walked away going back to the team, patting Osamu and Suna on the shoulder, he felt jealous of them.

Felt jealous of Osamu for being able to profess his feelings so clearly, being able to be something he wasn’t. The train ride back to Hyoga was silent as the team remained quiet. You sat beside Kita who happily spoke about how proud he was and how he had high hopes for everybody. It was nice to hear but all you could think about was Atsumu and the growing jealousy and anger he was feeling.

It was late when the team arrived back home, the gym being open as you all piled out into the court, they all sat down as the coach had called out to come outside to have a word about how to lift morale to make the team feel as if the loss wasn’t their fault.

Atsumu had taken your departure as an opportunity to release his anger however, the way he did was directed towards his brother. Osamu, irritated by his brother's own insolence, talked about a topic many in the team had chosen to avoid.

“Yer can’t always blame yer issues on us, even Y/n knows that today wasn’t yer…” at the sound of your name Atsumu was ready to pounce to hurt his brother.

“Don’t yer ever talk about ‘er!”

“Or what?” Osamu threatened as he knew that speaking about you would lead to a different type of anger to fill through Atsumu.

Atsumu glared at his brother, “don’t fuckin’ talk about ‘er”

“Just because yer ‘ave a crush on ‘er, yer should ask ‘er what people say about yer and ‘er” It was common knowledge within the team that you were the one who faced the criticism the most by those in school. That a loss would be deflected onto you as you would not allow any of the team to be put down by people who meant nothing.

It was worse that the team knew the harsh words you had felt regarding Atsumu, about your relationship with the boy and how you could do better than him and he deserved someone exactly like him.

It was a secret that was supposed to stay hidden to protect the team but most already knew and it seemed worse to even bring it up. Kita was ready to calm the situation until Atsumu went to throw a punch at his brother.

At the sound of another fight, you looked at the coach who gestured for you to sort it out. Running into the gym you saw Suna taking videos of the fight as you grabbed a hold of Atsumu’s jacket collar, dragging him to stop as you glared at the two boys. “Who started this?”

You waited patiently as Suna snickered out Atsumu’s name, “let’s all start heading home, Atsumu stay down.”

He didn’t comment, instead staying on the ground as you went to Osamu telling him to tell his parents that Atsumu was with you. The man left as you went back over to Atsumu, “let’s talk about this.”

You sat down on the dirty gym floor, looking at the boy who looked in even more pain than before, “what…what do people say about us?”

“What do…”

“We all know, tell ma,” Atsumu looked away as he tried to hide the defeat and embarrassment he was feeling.

You knew what he meant from the single comment, looking down as you grabbed his hands softly

You knew what he meant from the single comment, looking down as you grabbed his hands softly, “I’m guessing you know that a lot of what your fans say comes through me,” he nods slowly, “a lot of hate I guess comes to you when you’re uncooperative”

You give a loud sharp breath as he finally looks up to meet your soft eyes, “do you remember when we first met?”

“Yeah…”

“I heard about the classes plan after you and Osamu had given the invites out, how they only wanted to go for Osamu and not give you a gift, I didn’t really understand why people were mean, but I just wanted you not to feel alone, i’ve never wanted you to feel like that again. So I took the heat, I took all the heat, and it became more to do with our relationship”

He tilted his head in confusion as he moved closer to you, knees touching as you touched his face softly, “they used to ask me why we were friends? That Osamu was the better twin and that Osamu, and I would be perfect together, that you were a dick and didn’t deserve friendship because you were always craving a win”

“Y/n…” his voice was soft, but you continued.

“I didn’t see it like that, I saw it as passion, you were and always will be my best friend, the twin i’d always want because you’re just passionate and it’s why I love you.”

His eyes shot wide as he heard your last words, the three words you had often spoken comically and to show the love of a friend. But as you tenderly touched his face, held him softly as he looked into your eyes, “yer should’ve told ma.”

“How could I let you take all that on? I see you playing professionally one day, I'm going to be the one to say that’s my best friend, that’s the man I fell in love with doing what he’s amazing at.”

“I love yer too,” he didn’t know what got into him as he heard the words, your glistening eyes as he held your cheek and captured your lips. He knelt up as he held your face in his hands, kissing you softly, all the jealousy, love, and anxiety he had been feeling had all fallen into place.

His soft lips against your own, tongue flicking inside as he glided across your own tongue, soft moans coming from your lips as even though he had lost the game today. He had won you; he had finally gotten what he had wanted, the jealousy and rage he had felt for his brother for having everything Atsumu had wanted. Had festered down to this, because Atsumu Miya had you and nobody was ever going to take that away from him  

i’d really appreciate if you guys could leave a like, reblog or comment, thanks x

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[iamanartichoke]

Another totally unprompted ask, on the assumption that you are definitely no longer in need of them… another thing I’m trying to work out about Loki characterisation in preparation for perpetrating fic torture on him is how suicidal the poor sod is most of the time. This is another thing I’ve seen referred to a lot but only in passing. Though obviously this is a pretty triggery topic, so ignore if you want.

I am always in need of totally unprompted asks, otherwise I just assume no one wants to talk to me lmao

So, hoo boy. I have been mulling over this for, apparently, three days now bc there's just ... there's a lot to unpack here. Putting under a cut for obviously triggery content and also for length bc fml.

In my opinion, the response to "how suicidal is Loki most of the time" is "very, but whether or not he wants to do anything about it varies from moment to moment" (see what I did there? I'll see myself out). In other words, I have always had a headcanon that Loki is consistently, passively suicidal. This is a headcanon that comes straight from TDW, bc I'm certain that Loki never had any intention of surviving their mission. And that could be a whole other post, really, but the point is that even though this is a TDW-centric headcanon, I have come to adopt it as applying to Loki in general as well, not just in those specific circumstances.

When I say passively suicidal, I mean that Loki is just sort of ambivalent about the value of his own life. He feels like he doesn't deserve to be alive, and feels like there's little point in being alive. Which - I don't mean to sound all gloom and doom, like, poor uwu emo Loki (and I kinda hate that I have to pause to disclaim that, no, I don't just have a fixation on Loki being depressed for funsies/the aesthetic/whatever); I think that this mindset stems from really complicated places that I'm not sure I can articulate, but I will try.

I view Loki as someone who suffers from a severe inferiority complex, and I feel like it stems from being abandoned as an infant. Loki's life started with a traumatic event and, even if he doesn't remember the event itself, the feelings he experienced stayed in his subconscious. Feelings of loss, of fear, of despair and abandonment, of suffering - these are all feelings that burrowed into his bones and lived there for his entire life, feelings that colored how Loki viewed himself as a person as well as how he compared to the people around him.

Keep in mind that Loki didn't know he was abandoned until the events of Thor 1, obviously. We don't really know how old Loki is, in human years, but I have always assumed that he and Thor were at least adults (not teenagers), maybe the equivalent of early twenties - and the reason I bring that up is because it means Loki made it all the way to adulthood carrying the weight of a trauma that he did not remember or even knew had happened, so to him, there was no real reason for how wrong he felt. There was no explanation for the feelings of loss, of neglect, of fear. So on top of struggling with those feelings, Loki was also burdened with the alienation that comes with wondering why one can't just be like everyone else, why one can't just "snap out" of depression, why one's sense of self-worth has always been lacking.

So imagine what it's like to grow up as Loki. He was traumatized as an infant. The trauma has been with him his entire life, along with the confusion/alienation of not understanding why he feels the way that he does, and then on top of that, his basic personality lends itself toward introspection and isolation, so he likely felt even further removed from Thor and from his peers. Loki's too smart for his own good, and he's got an enormous capacity to feel and I feel like this is a combination that works against him as much as it does for him, bc it probably means he spent a lot of time examining himself and identifying all of his perceived flaws - and then berating himself for said flaws.

People with depression are probably pretty familiar with the bully that lives in your head, the one who is always there to remind you that you're stupid, or ugly, or that nobody likes you, or that you have nothing of value to contribute to anyone, etc. Loki's no different; he's got that bully in his head, too. Add onto this the fact that his brother is literally perfect, that he feels his father doesn't love him (or love him as much), that his interests in things like magic are looked down on in his culture, and that he's a prince (meaning that along with the privilege comes pressure, and being in the public eye, knowing that everyone around him is comparing him to Thor as much as he compares himself to Thor, well.) and you have a total clusterfuck of a mindset, and Loki's been existing inside of that clusterfuck for nearly all of his life.

I always go back to the quote where, when filming I think the vault scene, Kenneth Branagh directs Tom by saying, "This is the moment where the thin steel rod holding your brain together snaps." And it's such a significant moment for Loki bc this is where it all crumbles for him, learning the truth, but I also fixate on the "thin steel rod" part of the quote bc that's not how one would describe a healthy, stable person's mind. The implication, to me, has always been that Loki wasn't that stable to start with due to his general upbringing, his internal struggles, and his personality, so of course the devastation of learning he's adopted, and Jotun, would send him over the edge. One doesn't go from zero to 60; one doesn't fall over the edge unless they were balancing fairly close to it in the first place. And to me, the "thin steel rod" basically equals the aforementioned clusterfuck of a mindset.

THE POINT IS. (Holy shit, I ramble.) This is the foundation on which I'm basing my headcanon that Loki neither values his life nor feels as if he even deserves to live it - bc his default mindset is one of inferiority, of loss, of pain. And I think that going from being a general unstable person pre-canon to being passively suicidal post-canon is a thing that happened because, somewhere between the vault in Thor 1 and the dungeons in TDW, Loki just stopped caring.

Life is exhausting for everyone, but even moreso when your mental load becomes more than you can carry. Loki is exhausted. His experience is that things just keep getting worse and worse for him - he's never been valued, he's always been found wanting. He discovers that he was literally thrown away as an infant, unwanted and left to die, and things haven't gotten much better for him since then. Everything that can go wrong, does go wrong. His plans spin out of control. He's unable to prove his worth and his value and when he is, in fact, rejected, he literally tries to kill himself (only to survive and end up in an even worse situation).

It all just continually goes downhill, and Loki is fucking exhausted. He's done. He has no hope that anything is ever going to change - he will never be valued or even seen, he's unable to connect to anyone, he has no family (aside from Thor, but their relationship is so fraught with pain). As far as he's concerned, his life has been nothing but a waste since he was born and if no one else values it, why should he?

So - passively suicidal. He places no value on his life, and doesn't shy away from situations that could cost him his life. It's possible that the only reason he's not actively suicidal is bc his previous attempt not only failed but led to such a horrible situation that he's probably too afraid to intentionally seek out death again. He doesn't want to fail and end up worse off for it.

And - not that you asked this in particular, but - my biggest disappointment in the series is that none of what I've just written is addressed in a satisfying way (to me). That is, we don't get any real explicit acknowledgement of the trauma of Loki's abandonment as a baby or how that affected his mental health growing up; we don't get to explore how devastated he was to learn of his adoption; we don't ever see him reconcile his ingrained belief that jotuns are monstrous savages with the fact that he is jotun. He says "I betrayed everyone I loved, but I'm different now" and we're supposed to infer what he means without Loki actually articulating why he feels that he's the only one who should be held responsible for all these things that had happened or what "I've changed" even means to him (aside from not betraying Sylvie).

I would have liked to see these things addressed for a lot of reasons, but one of those reasons is that I would want to see how Loki comes to terms with all of his issues and his pain enough that he stops being passively suicidal. We never get to see that; after TDW, the time that passes allows for Loki to kinda chill, resulting in the Ragnarok version, but if there was any real healing or recovering going on, it was happening off-screen, with the audience expected to just go with "yeah Loki was going through it for awhile but he's kinda better now."

Furthermore, much of what I've written here is based on prime Loki's development through TDW, but doesn't account for series Loki's split from that timeline nor the theme of "Lokis survive" that's so prevalent in the series. So I don't think the "passively suicidal" headcanon is really appropriate for series Loki but, at the same time, I'd like to have seen why. I'd like to have seen Loki learning to value his life, or where the "we survive" mindset comes from, since that's not really been a thing before now. (Out of universe, I suspect it comes from the context of Loki just not dying whenever he tries to, but since TDW and IW haven't happened, and Loki didn't intend to survive his fall from the bifrost, framing Loki as an innate survivor doesn't really make sense, but to be fair, I'm just being picky.)

So, yeah. I'm not saying Loki doesn't experience growth or development in the series, I'm just saying that his arc left much unsaid and, furthermore, framing his growth as "wanting a throne to not wanting a throne" without addressing that Loki doesn't actually want the power of the throne, he wants the value and self-worth he associates with the throne, is - well, again, unsatisfying. Not bad, but it leaves viewers like me wanting bc we're cognizant of how much more could have been done.

I ... am going to end this now. This is probably nonsensical and all over the place, so I'm very sorry, and I'm sure this is why I don't get meta-starter asks lmfao bc no one's out here trying to read my dissertation submission for a Ph.D in Loki, but well, sometimes it just be like that.

Thank you for the ask and the opportunity to ramble.

[phoneybeatlemania-bit-the-dust]

It annoys me when people complain about Julian and call him “whiny “. The person that John hurt the most throughout his whole life is his own son! I feel like this gets glossed over because he was more attentive to Sean “At least he was a good father to one of his children”. John failed Julian massively. Having Sean should’ve motivated him to try harder with Julian but I feel like it demotivated him because he realised how much of Julian’s life he missed and that made him feel bad about himself. Even in May’s book she says that John would’ve avoided Julian for the rest of his life to avoid feeling bad about himself & the choices he made with his life. And even when he got his visa he was happy to fly to other countries but not the country containing his son! I mean c’mon that’s very shitty and inexcusable. People can’t relate to John’s callous treatment of Julian so it’s downplayed and undermined by the excuse of “Oh well, John was better with Sean”. I know John appeared more motivated towards the end but doesn’t absolve him of the damage and pain he already caused to his son.

I try to understand John’s neglect of Julian from his perspective - I don’t want to excuse or justify it, but I still want to know what was going through his head to make him treat Julian the way he did - but I just can’t really understand it in the same way I feel like I can empathise with a lot of John’s other flaws. Like I feel like I can understand Johns mistreatment of certain people, or his mood swings, or his anger etc. But when it comes to Julian I struggle to understand him, and I just think its such a shame that Julian never got the closure he deserved with John. But I guess a few things to keep in mind when discussing this are:

1. Alfs abandonment

That Johns father, Alfred, abandoned him at such a young age, this might have affected John in such a way that made connecting with children a real challenge. Of course, he ideally still would’ve made an effort to connect with Julian more - but I guess that this was 1963, and he was someone who at this point had had absolutely no therapy. John’s own father I think was placed in an orphanage around the age of 5, so this neglect and abandonment appeared to be a bit of a cycle within the Lennon family-tree. Alf didn’t develop the neurones to be able to connect with his son the way a father ideally should be able to, and therefore John had trouble forming these connections too.

A real tragic story regarding this disconnect is one that ive heard Paul tell a few times (see this interview at 6:24 to hear him tell it). He essentially compares his ability to just naturally connect with children, to John’s inability to do the same; Paul grew up in a household where children and babies alike were around all the time - and in addition to this, there seemed to have been a lot more affection involved in his early environment compared to Johns. So when Paul was able to pal around at ease with Julian, John asked “How do you do that?” - and its unfortunately just not something you can just learn. I think John did want to be able to relate to Julian, and a part of him wanted to be a real dad - but I guess he just lacked the initiative to do so, as well as not having the needed facilities provided for him to be able to function as “good” parent (< or in other words, that man needed alottttttttt of therapy omg—)

2. Aunt Mimi’s coldness

I think by now its sort of been established that im not Mimi’s no. 1 fan - I don’t hate her, and I think she genuinely loved John, but ive been pretty critical of what I perceive her parenting style to be like. One aspect of this parenting style is that I think she was cold and deprecating towards John, which I presume took a toll on his relationships in such a way that made him susceptible to cynicism and even bitter contempt towards those he loved most.

“She never hit him: her worst punishment was to ignore him…When she did, he’d plead, ‘Don’t ‘nore me, Mimi!’” - I think that this type of parenting style could have effected the way John relates to Julian, perhaps making him feel it was okay to abandon him, maybe as a result of some unrecognised childhood angst or revenge.

Theres also a story where I think John said something to Julian a long the lines of, “I hate your laugh!”. Like, Jules was just some four year old living his life and then John, his own father, had this massive fucking mood swing. I feel bad for Julian cause my parents were like this (had random fucking mood swings and said some pretty contemptuous things) so I can empathise with him. At the same time though, I feel like I can understand John getting these mood swings (although, I don’t think that showing that kind of contempt towards a child is at all acceptable, and assuming that this sort of thing was a regular occurrence, I would say he was emotionally abusive towards Julian. Maybe John got these mood swings from Mimi (check this post for more on that).

3. Yoko’s influence and isolation

I think we first have to take into account here that John had a history of neglecting and failing Julian, and from what im aware of, he only started making contact with him again during his ‘Lost Weekend’ after being encouraged to do so by May Pang. So I don’t think we can make Yoko take all the blame for Johns neglect of Julian (and certainly not his emotional abuse towards Julian). But I think we have to also account for the fact that Julian has stated Yoko would refuse to put him through when he would ring his dad. And I just don’t know how much John had to do with that - as in, I don’t if John knew Yoko was isolating him to the extent that she did, or if he was unaware that she was rejecting several important and significant figures in his life.

For what its worth, Julia Baird wrote in her memoir of John urging (or really, begging) her to go to Cynthias house and ask Julian to phone him, because he hadn’t been able to get through to Julian, and he was trying to construct a better relationship with him around this time (this was before Sean was born, like you said, he seemed to lose motivation with Julian after Sean was born). I don’t know why Julian wasn’t taking his calls around this time - John seemed to think it had something to do with Cynthia, perhaps it was an autonomous decision made by Julian, perhaps it was entirely just a misunderstanding; I don’t know.

When it comes to Yoko, im conflicted - to some extent, I think John was being manipulated by her, and she was clearly isolating (even abusing) him - but also, he’s a grown man, and so he had to take the initiative for his own life. So I don’t know, but id say she is still partly responsible for spoiling Johns relationship with Julian.

~ ~ ~

At the end of the day, all I can really say is that John was just a classic case of parents needing therapy before they start, y’know, parenting - but it was 1963, and thats just not something most people underwent back then, especially people with more complex and unrecognised traumas, as well as mental illnesses that, whilst prevalent, may not have been so apparent. To clarify that point, I think John could function well-enough in his day to day life to be able to get by, because I don’t think his traits of mental illness tended to disrupt his life to such a degree that he could not function (at least not in 1963, though in later years, id argue more so they did; but even still, I don’t think John tended to struggle with mania or psychosis etc.) But I think he was still dealing with mental illness in a way that wrecked almost all meaningful relationships for him, as well as made feeling love and functioning as an emotionally stable and consistent person, a real hardship and challenge for him. And this inability to feel loved and cared for etc. made being a parent, quite simply, impractical. He needed therapy, and its a shame he died before ever receiving real therapy because it would’ve been interesting to see how John might have come to terms with really acknowledging his failures as a parent, and because Julian might have gotten some real closure with his dad.

All in all, I think Phillip Larkin said it best

[amber-angel]

Do an analysis on your fave muppet man

Rori I need you to know that I saw this and shot straight up, sucking in a huge breath with the BIGGEST adrenaline spike I've had in days. I could literally talk about Jaskier for HOURS, and have to constantly reel myself in so I hope you know what you've unleashed.

Overall opinion: is it bad if my most prevalent opinion on him is just that he's a massive slut? Because that's the first thing that comes to mind whenever I look at him. I think he's severely underutilized, but I also understand why, like, from a management perspective, they don't want their most charismatic character taking up all the screen time. I mean, I'm only watching the show for him at this point anyway, can you imagine how much worse it would be if he was a main? Also I'm just like... fucking in love with the concept of him at this point? I mean his name is Dandelion. His nickname is Buttercup. He's a bard. People call him lark in fics. I was fucking gone as soon as I heard the bread line, but it only got worse from there

One virtue: okay, I like to insult my floppy little muppet boy (with fondness) but I really do think he's an interesting character. Reading about how they changed him from the book to the screen to fit a retelling for a more modern audience, I think it was clever that Lauren (writer) decided to pull away from Dandelion as a womanizer and instead write him like a loving puppy of a man. He's layered. He's sweet and kind, but also will stab a bastard. He's empathetic and willing to sympathize, but at the same time totally down for wishing a slow death upon his enemies. And I know that his overprotectiveness of Geralt is mostly romanticized fanon, but you cannot tell me that he wouldn't jump over a counter to punch anyone who insults his best friend.

One flaw: most of the problems that I have with Jaskier, much like the problems I have with the other characters, are not actually about the character themselves, but with the way their arcs were written, or the way character development just didn't happen. Jaskier is so neglected by the writers that a lot of his growth happens off screen. It has to, or he would just be totally stagnant. And so somewhere between his last scene in the first season and his first appearance in the second, he's turned into this serious rebel spy person, but the writers are still trying to portray him as "goofy old Jaskier! haha, he's funny!" but they're doing this while he's trying to help people escape from certain death, or after he's just been rescued from fucking torture, and it ends up giving you a bit of whiplash and wondering is there any consistency here?

Favorite moment: can't be from his arc because (AHEM) what arc?? But. I am so in love with the conversation he had with Yennefer, where they actually let him be serious and connect with her in a way that s1 Jaskier would never have done. I love love love when they let him show his compassionate side, because it's there! He cares about people so much!! And let's be honest, Anya and Joey worked so well together, I know, I know that they're never going to make Geralt/Yennefer/Jaskier canon, but if they didddd it would work so wellllll

Least favorite: GOD everything about him reuniting with Geralt/being in Kaer Morhen. Big boy just walks in there with his sad eyes and nipple armor and with absolutely no meaningful apology Jaskier just forgives him?? Honey! There are hundreds of people out there who would treat you better. Yennefer being one! Anyway, then, even though Geralt claims he "needs" him, Jaskier doesn't actually end up doing anything? He's just kind of there, I think because the writers knew that they needed to put him in that season or they would lose half their fan base. He's only ever acknowledged when he's being made fun of or pushed away, and I'm tired of it.

One relationship: well, we only really see him interact in any meaningful way with Geralt or Yennefer, but I prefer Yennefer. Like, they basically have nothing in common, but they still mesh so well, and even though I know their friendship won't be explored any more (because it reads as so genuine that Geralt/Yennefer feels like stone in comparison) it would be so cool to see them move past their initial dislike and become actual friends, maybe help each other heal from the MULTIPLE traumas

Relationship to explore: I want to see how Jaskier interacts with Ciri. I want to see it so bad. She's a child and he's a bard, can we not get him singing her a fun little song and letting her have some fun for once? Let him sing her a Cintran ballad and help her process and maybe mourn the things she's lost!! He is JUST as important as your other leads, so let him be a part of the family damn it! And let him be a father figure (or at the very least a weird uncle) to Ciri

What I would have liked to see: I think I've already said it, whoops, but really I would settle for seeing more of him. Jaskier is so good, but the show barely seems to care about him, like they don't realize that they've stumbled onto the best thing they're ever gonna have! Let my pathetic whore of a man have more screen time! Let him into the family! And maybe next time you think about using him for sex appeal don't force poor Joey Batey to do that fucking shit that male actors do to enhance their abs, that fucking dehydration shit? And don't make him shave, wtf, don't add on to our bullshit beauty standards.