#i literally sleep the entire day regardless of how well i sleep at night so ❤️

[heartual]

whole time i was supposed to be taking two melatonin gummies for 10 mg and this bottle has been expired since june. girl what were you doing

[masterhallmark]

Rant incoming

I feel like the problem with a lot of Disney's live action remakes (and arguably Wish) is they're trying to appeal to a crowd that no longer exists, namely the people who used to claim that the Disney Princesses were sexist.

All the interviews tend to include, "Well she's not chasing a MAN anymore" which...almost no one sees the princesses like that, anymore. Virtually NO ONE still believes the princesses are man-chasing sexist caricatures of women.

Cinderella is now hailed as an abuse victim who stayed strong long enough to get help to get out of her situation. Anyone who says she should have saved herself is basically regarded as a victim blamer. And it's very clear in the film she wasn't looking to marry the prince, she just wanted a night off. She was the only one who wasn't in line to meet him. She didn't find out she met the prince until he went looking for her!

Snow White is now hailed for her negotiation skills, ability to calm down after extreme stress (she had a moment of panic and had to cry for a bit, but who wouldn't after finding out The Queen hired someone to kill you?), and ability to take charge of a house of adult men. And again, she was an abuse victim, this time trying to escape ASSASSINATION ATTEMPTS. While she dreamed of her prince, it was secondary to her main goal of SURVIVAL. There are also entire video essays about how Snow White gave hope to people during The Great Depression.

Everyone acknowledges that Ariel wanted to be human BEFORE meeting Eric. We all know she was a nerd hyperfixating on humans, and also standing up to her prejudiced father.

We understand Sleeping Beauty wasn't the main character, the Three Good Fairies were, AND PHILLIP WOULD NEVER HAVE BEATEN MALEFICENT WITHOUT THEM! He literally depended on them! WOMEN SAVED THE DAY! But even then, is it really such a sin for a girl to fantasize about romance and fall for someone with corny pickup lines?

We all understand Jasmine just wanted someone to treat her LIKE A PERSON. She rejected every Prince before Aladdin because they treated her like a prize. So why did they need her to want to be Sultan? How did that make her more feminist when she already wanted to be treated like an equal and have a say in her future? Is it only empowering if you want a career in politics?

We admire that Belle, despite living in a judgemental village, was kind to everyone (even though she found the village life dull), and her story teaches girls that the guy everyone else loves isn't always a good guy. What's sexist about teaching girls about red flags? And she didn't start being nice to The Beast until he started treating her with respect and kindness.

Do I really NEED to defend Mulan or Tiana? I think they speak for themselves.

Rapunzel was yet another abuse victim who just needed a little help to get out of her bad situation. In this case, she also needed to learn that she was an abuse victim, and that what Mother Gothel did WASN'T normal, much like many victims of gaslighting.

And don't get me started on the non-princess animals.

Perdita had a healthy relationship with Pongo to the point she was open to express her pregnancy fears to him, and was ready to TEAR APART Cruella's goons for daring to touch her puppies as well as adopting the other puppies. Like, she was so ferocious the goons mistook her for a hyena! She's basically that "I AM THAT GIRL'S MOTHER!" scene from SpyXFamily if Yor were a dog. She and her husband were a TEAM.....but they made a Cruella live action to turn her into a girlboss?! The literal animal abuser!? THAT'S the woman you wanted to put on a pedestal when Perdita was RIGHT THERE!?

Duchess kept her kittens calm after they had been catnapped and was classy as heck. Nice to everyone regardless of social class during a time period where that was uncommon.

Lady stood up to Tramp when she believed he had abandoned her and didn't really care about her. She found out he was a heartbreaker and was like, "Nuh uh. No. You are not doing that to me! You put me through enough."

Miss Bianca from The Rescuers was IN CHARGE the whole movie, and was willing to risk life and limb to save an innocent child. THAT TINY MOUSE TOOK ON ALLIGATORS! And she picked Bernard to accompany her because he was the only one who wasn't ogling her. And then in the sequel SHE DID IT ALL AGAIN! I wish I were as brave as her.

Like, the public haven't accused these ladies of being sexist caricatures since 2014 (Actresses and actors don't count, they're out of touch like the rest of Hollywood) yet Disney is operating under the assumption that the public still thinks that way, hence all the "sHe'S nOt AfTeR a MaN iN ThIs VeRsIOn" talk.

The live action remakes are trying to attract an audience that doesn't really exist much, anymore, and back when it did exist, was comprised mainly of people who didn't actually watch the films. The Disney princesses are no longer seen as sexist, and feminine qualities are no longer seen as weak or undesirable.

[specific-dreamer]

darry dropping pony off at college

they were both really excited.

darry’s brainiac baby brother is going to college and he couldn’t be prouder of him because he understands how hard it was for pony to get this far.

and pony’s really excited because he’s finally leaving tulsa (on his terms) he’s doesn’t feel guilty for wanting to leave or anything neither bc he’s only like two hours away (bet ur ass he goes to darry’s college)

as a gag gift, because soda was worried he might have nightmares from sleeping away from home (darry had nightmares his first night on campus and soda overheard his parents talking abt it. this is canon), steve and two-bit get ponyboy a stuffed horse and print out a picture of soda’s face and tapes it to the horses head

(ponyboy takes the photo off and frames it. its the only photo he has out to the general public. it’s a great conversation starter though.

“who’s that?”

“my brother, sodapop”

“oh… i’m so sorry for your loss, when did he pass?”

“when did he-? oh, no he’s not dead. he’s just my favorite 😅”)

i strayed so far from the plot good heavens

ANYWAYS

the entire their unpacking all darry hears is, “darry do you know them? darry why do they keep looking at me like that? darry was that you’re teacher? do you like them, should i have taken him instead?”

mans does not get a second of peace. it’s been like four years, his friends have likely been graduated and there’s no chance in hell he remembers his teachers faces.

but as frustrating as it is, it is cute that pony keeps asking questions because it reminds him of when they were little and all pony would do was ask why

darry and the gang plan to leave well before sunset so they can make it home in time for everyone to get enough sleep b4 work the next day

steve in all his glory tells pony if he cries tn because he misses home it’s okay, he won’t even make fun of him, but pony, in all his glory, says he ain’t gon cry bc he’s not a kid

he hugs soda and darry extra tight when they do leave (at the tail end of sunset. southern mfs i swear) and pony makes them promise to call him when they get home

night falls and all the day’s excitement is gone.

pony? never been away from home on his own. it hadn’t hit him until he’s getting ready for bed that’s he in college. until then it felt like an away trip but when he wakes up he’ll be at home. he’s not having a great time, he misses his brothers

but there’s no pay phone in his room or his end of the hall so he has to go all the way to the lounge to call home

soda answers the phone and he’s real happy to hear his voice bc he had already started missing pony something fierce too. but sodas a creature of habit and only manages to talk to pony for 5 minutes before he’s yawning and has to go to bed

when darry gets on the phone pony is this close to just bursting into tears because he wants to go home

darry somehow knows. can hear it in the quiver of pony’s voice and asks if he wants to just talk for a while regardless of how the phone bill would be that month

pony is over the moon and says yes ofc. darry has to grab the recliner so he can at least sit comfortably because ponyboy could yap his freaking ear off

they end up talking for like 30 more minutes before both of them nod off.

darry’s stretched out on the recliner and the phones dangling off the wall

pony’s curled against the wall underneath the pay phone with his blanket around him and the phone still tight in his hand

it’s smooth sailings after that.

ponyboy wakes up to about three upperclassmen girls and one other boy staring and talking about him and one of the girls snaps a photo with her (new) polaroid. pony’s instantly ready to be on defense but they literally do not care and despite his best lies he’s obvious he was on the phone with family and they find that really endearing and immediately force him under their wing

darry’s wakes up to soda putting the phone up and making breakfast. darry’s feeling a little bittersweet but in all he’s really happy that he could be of any help to pony because he was def getting a little worried

[librathefangirl]

i gotta get up in like 6 hrs but i can't sleep so here have the oh shit nnt thought of the night:

the only demon in THE demon hating club

this is a sentence my brain just came up with to describe Stigma Meliodas, and isn't that fucked up?? Like that was a very fucked up thing Meliodas put himself through. I feel like we as a fandom don't talk enough about how fucked up that was (shadowed by all the other fucked up things meli went through)

Because... not only did Meliodas' decision to join Stigma cause every demon to hate him, it also meant that he decided to spend his days around people who hated him or at the very least his race (that cannot have been good for his mental health which let's be honest probably was really shitty to begin with because of the dk and his childhood)

The goddess in the horn really wasn't that far off when she said he had no allies. Like obviously she wasn't right, but she wasn't entirely wrong either

Cause let's think about that in regard to Stigma Meliodas. We don't fully know how most of the members of Stigma felt about Meliodas, but considering they talked about slaughtering "every last one of the damned demon race" when Meli was literally RIGHT THERE (and none of them were like hey lucy maybe we shouldn't commit genocide) we can assume most of them wouldn't care if Meliodas died and probably only tolerated him being there because they had no choice (and if he was on their side then he wasn't on the enemy's side)

The way he responds to King (as Gloxinia) questioning his loyalty just seems so resigned, like he has been over this time and time; he knows Stigma don't trust him and he knows there's nothing he can say to change that, only his actions (him not betraying them) can prove he is actually on their side and not some deep undercover spy for the demons

Anyways I'm getting sidetracked- ALLIES! The only people in Stigma we know considered Meliodas an ally and friend are: Elizabeth (of course), Drole and Gloxinia, and then Rou

First let it sink in how fucking short that list is, and then let's think about each of those allies and what happens to them...

Elizabeth. Well. She dies. Horribly. And like I'm not even talking about the whole curse thing, I'm talking about how goddess Elizabeth died and Meliodas had to continue living. HE WOKE UP NEXT TO HER DEAD BODY. That was another very very very fucked up thing that happened (that we also don't talk about enough me thinks - cause like... he died. but then he didn't. but then she was still dead right next to him. and he didn't even know about the curse. he thought she was dead dead and he was alive. she was gone forever. and he was still living and now alone. very fucked up)

And then we have Rou. Rou who befriended Meliodas. Rou who knew Meliodas was a demon and didn't care and still called him a friend. Rou who only joined Stigma to get revenge on Stigma. Like yeah Rou didn’t hate every demon but he still brought that kind of hate and violence (regardless of his reasons). And was then also killed (by one of Mel's allies no less)

Which brings us to Drole and Gloxinia. Who had every reason to hate Meliodas (being the kings of their respective races) but still saw Meliodas as an ally and friend. Drole and Gloxinia who Meliodas then lost. Not to death but to the very side Meliodas himself had left in order to join Stigma. Who then also got sealed away for 3,000 years (leaving Meliodas not only without Elizabeth but also without his friends). And thennnn 3,000 years later, the same allies/friends are now Meliodas' enemies. (Hell Gloxinia is one of the Commandments who actively attack Meliodas in the fight leading up to Meli's literal death

And

Yeah

It's fucked up

It's also now only 5 hrs until i gotta get up so...

TLDR; The First Holy War era deserved more attention in canon and Stigma Meliodas went through some really fucked up shit

[damianbugs]

thoughts on bruce x jack drake?

hello anon apologies for the late reply but when i first received this ask i immediately assumed there was a leak in mine and @plutoslvr messages because we were literally talking about it about two seconds beforehand. i could barely sleep that night.

my thoughts are that old man yaoi is so enjoyable when it's just slightly ridiculous and entirely impossible. there are three ideal sections of the brujack ship (enjoyed by population NO ONE, apparently, but with our combined efforts i imagine we can spark this flame):

rivals to lovers

bruce wayne vs wanting to bone people who want him dead

doomed by the narrative

1. rivals to lovers.

bruce and jack competing in the worlds most intense "who is the best average-leaning-towards-okay dad" battle. trying to outperform in casual "okay dad" actions to win "okay dad" points from tim, something that is totally normal and entirely possible (jack is always in the lead and bruce has not yet realised that he will never overtake him).

this one is so fucking funny to me. silly events such as them fighting on who gets to take tim to his school events, comprising on taking turns (for tim's sake, not because they want to) or attending them together (the pta now think bruce wayne and jack drake are in a relationship). jacks like im taking tim to the skate park and bruce is like well i told tim i'd take him to lunch ��� now it's bruce and jack taking their kid to the park then lunch together and the paparazzi have no idea how to headline this.

i imagine eventually tim can't handle this truly bizarre tension filled dynamic anymore so he cancels last minute and bruce and jack are like, well, we've already booked a table at this super expensive restaurant AND that cool movie afterwards, so we might as well make use of them.

at some point the "i HAVE to one up the other guy to impress my son" becomes "i HAVE to one up the other guy to impress our son AND so he realises how i'm obviously a catch"

i imagine eventually when they form some sort of established relationship ("do not call me your damn boyfriend, bruce, are we fifteen?") the rivalry doesn't really stop, but it's far more fond and well, tim's just glad he doesn't need to set aside two days a week to make sure he spends time with each of them.

2. bruce wayne vs wanting to bone people who want him dead

now we all know bruce's ideal type is someone who is either a) actively a danger to his life or b) was at some point more inclined to being a danger in his life or a secret third thing that is c) would become a danger to his life if pushed slightly in that direction. we've no time to psychoanalyse this but it's hardly a point that needs to be explained after taking a look at his long list of exes.

now, after this, is it truly out of the realm of possibility that after jack drake finds out that bruce wayne is the fucking batman and is to partly blame for tim's dangerous life choices he stomps over to the man's house and threatens to SHOOT HIM, that bruce wants him carnally. my exact words when reading this scene was "rather reservedly, i imagine this level of foolish and almost stupid bravery impressed bruce, regardless if it it was for entirely unselfish reasons on jack's part or if it was genuinely out of care for tim" i then say "i also think this would have moved bruce, emotionally, figuratively, poetically, sexually WOAH"

we all know that canonically when bruce falls in love or becomes even slightly interested in someone, he goes STUPID and impulsive. he's sending jack rare artefacts and really specific gifts and throwing galas with the sole purpose of inviting jack all without even considering that is actually not a normal response to have after someone threatens to kill you. perhaps he doesn't even realise this is something more than just paranoid obsession, and he tries to rationalise it like "i'm only trying to convince him to come with me to the museum so i can work out what kind of person he is in casual date settings and also to kiss him WAIT"

this one is funny if jack is just not interested at all and he's like okay what the fuck what kind of mind games is this guy trying to pull. tim is your mentor trying to tell me something through the purchase of these front seat opera house tickets and tim is like i can't believe this is real life i hope this is all a nightmare this can't be happening to me. bruce is hopelessly infatuated and jack is like don't think i won't file a restraining order against you BATMAN.

or it can get funnier if jack is like I WONT FALL FOR YOUR SEDUCTION TECHNIQUES BATMAN (proceeds to fall for batman's seduction techniques).

bonus alfred is actively praying on jacks downfall (canon) and is experiencing war flashbacks when bruce begins to display lovesick behaviour

3. doomed by the narrative

now as you may have noticed most of these work before the bright red alarm that is JACK DRAKE'S TRAGIC DEATH. his death in and of itself is already so sad, because he was changing, he was better and tim was so close to having everything he wanted, and jack was truly hopeful to be present and good to his son.

if we now throw in the mix of this shortlived romance, wherein canon bruce is already swamped with guilt about janet's death and feels as though he OWES it to tim to save jack as well, it becomes all the more heartbreaking. i would actually change nothing about how it happened in canon. jack still leaves that phone call for tim, tim and bruce still race to get to him, tim still finds his father's dead body and bruce still holds tim away from the corpse.

because the best part about this potential relationship is that it is born from the shared want to look after tim. it's what connects them and what causes any sort of interaction between them. so even at this point, bruce's first priority is tim, because it will always be tim first, but also because that is what jack would have wanted from him.

just another love for bruce to hide in his heart, let it consume and damage him, let it make him colder and harder to approach, another layer on this already unbreakable foundation. it probably causes problems between tim and bruce, for the sake of mourning but not reacting and simply because loss can make people very unkind. bruce's guilt is now more than just what he already feels for somehow failing tim, but also for not being able to save someone he loves, again.

OR jack lives au and bruce is even MORE obsessed and insufferable about it and tim literally has to help his own dad break out of the manor because batman is holding jack hostage (bedrest for almost dying).

or we have our obligatory bruce wayne "I almost lost you, so now im going to push you away for both our sake" arc to which Jack drake probably threatens to shoot bruce again and then they do it silly HAPPY ENDING EVERYONE GO HOME

[f1nalboys]

hey bestie! may i pls request something that is tod from final destination x reader? maybe some fluff headcannons, what it’s like having a sleepover with him? thx u sm! <33

hi bae!!!! i had sm fun writing this >:)) i do think tod would be one of the better characters to have a sleepover with he serves so much genuinely!!! hope you enjoy <3 first request to start out >:)))

Tod Waggner x GN!Reader

WORD COUNT: 651

WARNINGS: none

TOD LOVES SLEEPOVERSSSS

listen this guy wants to spend 24/7 with you, he is clingy as all fuck

like one of those shelter dogs, you know the vibe

anyways so regardless of whether or not him coming to spend the night is common or not, he’s ECSTATIC!!!! 

bro is jumping for joy up and down like yippee!!!!! YIPPEEEE!!!

he prefers going over to your place because then it feels like a vacation almost

but if you want to come over to his place you have to give him a day’s notice so he can clean up (he is MESSY i'm sorry to say)

he packs a bag and has a smile on his face literally until he has to leave

in my opinion, tod loves a good movie marathon and he is going to want to do classic sleepover shit with you to the point of almost annoying you LMFAO

he's like haha we should order a pizza… we should watch scary movies… pillow fight babe?? wanna gossip and do a face mask? let's talk about boys!!!!

and if you point out that he is the boy in question youd talk about, not only is he getting smug as fuck, hes going to go ‘ill pretend to be someone else!!!! go on and be so honest about how you feel about me babe ;)’

he's a great sleepover guest though, at least the first few times

he's awkward the very first one bc he's sitting on the edge of the bed bag on his shoulders hand in his lap like o-0 so…

its endearing 

and overall he's very chill and will stay by your side or in your bed the entire time

once he's comfortable though… loudest stupidest dumbest mfer!!! he is doing reckless shit and messing with you and trying to prank you and stuff

once he's settled down though, good luck getting him out of your bed for ANYTHING, a fire could break out and tod is staying put

he has to cuddle. it's a rule.

and he has no preference for being big or little spoon honestly, he has pros and cons for both, he just needs you literally right next to him

he does not care what movies you guys watch but he DOES want to watch some shitty stoner comedy like (ignoring the fact devon plays in this movie) he wants to watch idle hands and harold and kumar go to white castle LMFAO 

he's wearing your pajamas…. even if he cant fit he’ll find something to put on his body from slipper to an eye mask to your pjs to a robe to a bonnet, etc etc, you leave that room for longer than 2 minutes and he's playing dress up

you go to shower (and yes he's gonna try and join you he's handsy though so choose carefully) and come back into your room and he's wearing half your wardrobe and going through your jewelry and shit

and when you're like uhm… hello?? he stands there like oh… you're back sooner than i thought…. LIKE UR IN MY ROOM???

he's a popcorn snack guy, plus sour candy. sleepovers are for pigging out and he takes that SERIOUS he’ll sneak his own candy in if he has to

if he falls asleep at like 10pm-12am, then you will have a peaceful night where he sleeps until 8:30am and is well rested and so sweet

and he might even make you breakfast

but if he sleeps before then or later…. good luck

he's going to be LOUD and OBNOXIOUS (positive) and he's going to keep your ass up as long as he can

you're laying in bed in the dark with your eyes closed and he's steady talking trying to remember some obscure tv show from his childhood 

great guy though, love him

and you would have a ball, just don't plan on sleeping much

[chirpsythismorning]

Motelgate Update

There's been a lot of updates on this already! I just wanted to give my two cents about the situation and tbh it is messy!!!

With the motel being so close to the gas station, it would make sense for the production to just buy out the hotel for the day they filmed there and let the cast/production team hang out there throughout the evening of the shoot, while they got everything ready for filming at the gas station.

We even get a shot that shows the motel in the background during the gas station scene:

And so the main question is, when this line is said by Will, are they referring to the motel right next to them? Because to me it comes off like this motel could be at least a mile away with that phrasing? If it was in fact the motel right next to them, wouldn't Will just say Hey there's a motel literally right there and then have him point to it on their left? And then have the camera acknowledge it's proximity?

Maybe? Maybe not though? Maybe they thought it would be better to throw in a motel line, but not give much more than that? Otherwise people might have connected the dots sooner if they focused on it, only to sort of drop it entirely? I could see how that might have contributed to it being something a lot of fans might have considered as a possibility by now if that was the case.

Regardless of my doubts based on that line, I want to continue bc there is some stuff that still makes this possibility quite plausible.

At the end of this scene at the gas station, they leave and drive to Surfer Boy. There's no way of knowing for certain how far away SB was from the gas station. There is some implications throughout the season that SB is popular enough to have a lot of locations throughout Cali, and now it even has locations in Nevada. So it could have been a five minute drive from the gas station, or it could have been up to a half hour or more. I would take a guess that it was somewhere closer to 20ish minutes though. I just doubt they had them drive another hour or more with all the driving they've been doing already. I hope for their sanity that there just so happened to be a SB in that area.

Now, in the West during the spring time, sunset is around 7pm. This means that arguably, them at the gas station at night, could have been around as early as 9pm, or it could have been as late as 2am.

This is where I think a motel scenario could actually make sense, as we do have some time unaccounted for within that two day time jump.

According to the clock at the library, it was almost 4pm on Saturday that they got to Hawkins...

But if they left at 2AM on Friday, they would have arrived to Hawkins closer to 7-8am on Saturday... not 4pm...

This is literally the first line we get in the epilogue. Them saying 48 hrs makes it seem like it's probably closer to 48 than 26-31... meaning that the Cali crew could have unintentionally turned a 30 hour trip, to something closer to a 48 hr trip?

And this is also noting, that they left SB assuming that everyone was safe bc El saved the day. That was the impression El had up until they arrived in Hawkins on Saturday with Dustin informing them about Max's condition.

Which means it's possible they could have decided to rest for the night after the Vecna mind fight, since it was already so late, as opposed to driving right then and there. After all they've had a really rough last few days, so it would be plausible after a win like that, for them to make a unanimous decision to sleep in actual beds for the night.

So let's say, it was like 2am at the latest that they left SB and turned around and went back to the motel, which was still fairly close by, as they remembered it was near the gas station they just were at a few hours prior.

They would have probably left around checkout the following morning (usually around 11am) and started driving towards Hawkins, assuming all was well.

This would actually have them arriving to Hawkins closer to the late afternoon on Saturday, as opposed to the early hours on Saturday morning.

Basically, based on the distance between Nevada and Hawkins, it's quite possible there is at least an 8 hr sleep cycle happening outside of driving nonstop.

With all that considered, if i'm being honest, I'm not that confident about this theory anymore? It's likely the motel lot was filled with all of their equipment and vehicles, which obviously needed to be hidden from the gas station lot, which is what they were focusing on for those scenes. They would have had to clear that lot and move everything just to get an exterior shot for the motel, whether it was day or night. While it's definitely possible, idk I just doubt it.

Though, another angle I could potentially look at this still skeptically, is that if they were filming night scenes, I don't see why they would need the cast there like 5+ hours before any shooting even started? I feel like filming goes on for hours as it is? We even saw a lot of bts of them inside that gas station at night while they were filming, with Charlie and Finn sitting half asleep in chairs hand in hand jokingly, but clearly tired from hours of shooting into the night.

And so I don't know if it would make sense for them to have been there at like 12pm or even 2pm, hours before the sun was fully set, to sit around and wait for them to set up, not until dark which is like 8pm? Like that seems kind of odd to me. Especially if filming was believed to go into like the late hours the following morning, which is likely to have been the case since again we saw them look half asleep inside of the gas station location. Also ngl I always thought it looked like Noah had bags under his eyes during that gas station scene, which just fits even more with these scenes being filmed LATE at night, like well past midnight.

If they were filming until as late as 4am, I don't think they would have been there any earlier than 4pm the previous day. And that picture of them on set looked like it was taken in the afternoon. Maybe it was taken at 4pm exactly. Maybe they had to be on set 4-6 hrs before shooting started? I guess it's not impossible, but it would be quite unreasonable honestly.

Based on all of that, I can say that I'm sort of skeptical but also very open minded to it. Like I see the vision but also I'm not going to allow myself to get my hopes up too much. I'm just going to have fun theorizing about it regardless so I will continue to support others who still want to consider it! Because it is quite interesting!

[undead-supernova]

Island Breeze in the Dead of Night / Masterlist

Chapter 5 / Chapter 6 / Chapter 7

plot: you're on vacation and you desperately want to tell Eddie you love him…and how much fear can you swallow before it overflows?

Pairings: modernrockstar!Eddie x fem!popstar!Reader (curvy!reader, bisexual!reader)

Warnings: brief discussion about eating/media body shaming, drinking, Eddie saying some spicy words

wc: 4.3k

“How’s it going over there on fuck island?”

You snorted at Este’s words, trying to pick up some speed on the treadmill. Luckily there’d been a gym on the island, a must for the tour you’d be preparing for in the next year. You’d been trying to build stamina, tired of wanting to drop dead while onstage. 

Not that there was an album to be toured. You had a few songs, sure. But how the fuck were you supposed to keep writing happy songs? And how were you supposed to do that within the next six months?

Nonetheless, you hated the treadmill. So you called Este. 

“It’s not fuck island,” you corrected. “But, to answer your question, it’s going great.”

It’d only been two days, but it had been blissful. You and Eddie spent most of the days together, lounging by the beach or sleeping. Eating whenever you wanted to. Meeting the rest of the band at the end of the night, one person assigned to cook for every day that you were there. Play board games. Make some drinks. 

And, yes, a lot of fucking. A lot.

Regardless, it was a very laid-back vacation.  

“I’m sure you’re all over each other like sick puppies being like, ‘I love you.’ ‘No, I love you more.’”

You kept quiet.

“You have said I love you, right?” Este asked, her voice slow and deliberate.

“I mean,” you started, trying to think of what to say. “He hasn’t said anything, so I haven’t.”

“You know that someone has to say it first, right? Like, you can just say it and see what he says.”

“I don’t know…”

“You are in love!” she exclaimed. “What else is there to know! If you don’t tell him six months in, then what are you doing?”

There were some things you didn’t like to think about. Especially on vacation in the British Virgin Islands where you spent most of your time sitting in the shade on top of your boyfriend. Why ruin a perfectly good time with talks of those kind of feelings? Why ruin the restoration of your bodies that never seemed to slow down? Why not allow everything to freeze in time for a little bit?

“You’re literally on an island right now,” Este huffed, as if she could read your mind. “How is that not the perfect time to say I love you while snorkeling with dolphins?”

“Under the water?”

“Okay, but what if you end up stepping on a sea urchin and it gets infected and then you die?”

You laughed but had to catch your breath as you sped up again. Beads of sweat dripped down your neck and disappeared into the fabric of your t-shirt. But you could tell some of that sweat was from something else entirely.

“Couldn’t he just pee on it?” you teased.

“Tell him you love him while he pees on your foot."

“Why am I friends with you again?”

“Because you loooove me.”

Before you could respond, there was a knock on the wall. Eddie walked in, startling you. You almost tripped but caught yourself, turning down the speed immediately. 

“Hey, how’s it going in here?” he asked.

“Is that him now?” Este teased.

“Uh, hey, Este, I gotta go,” you said quickly.

“Don’t let me stand in the way of true—”

You ended the call before giving him a nervous smile. 

Eddie was looking…well, he was looking good. He was in a Metallica tank top (a t-shirt he tore to shreds no doubt), black swim trunks, and, shockingly, black flipflops. His tattoos were littered over his arms and legs, the hint of one on his chest popping out. A wild bun thrown to hold his hair back, sunglasses perched on his head.

“Hey.”

“Hey, sweetheart,” he replied, walking over to give you a soft kiss.

You wanted to jump back, to keep him away from how bad you probably smelled but Eddie didn’t seem to mind. Though, he did pat your back instead of giving you a hug. You couldn’t blame him.  

“Wanna get some lunch before we hit the sand?” he asked, holding out his hand.

You nodded, maybe a little enthusiastically, happy to press your palm against his.

“Are you gonna let me shower first?”

“Maybe,” he whispered, leaning into your neck to lick up some of your sweat. “Stinky.”

Despite the small whimper that left your lips at the stimulation, you murmured, “You’re so gross.”

“Didn’t sound like you found it gross,” he teased, already tugging you towards the door.

You rolled your eyes, unable to deny the accusation. 

“Shut up.”

Lunch was peaceful, with Eddie ordering you whatever you desired. He told you to enjoy yourself, enjoy your time on the island. He was sweet like that, always encouraging you to eat what you wanted, whenever you wanted. It was something he never shied away from being made known.

“Why do you do that?” you asked him when a second piña colada was placed in front of you.

He gave you a grin, slipping another French fry between his teeth before responding. 

“I just like seeing you do what you want to do.” He leaned in further. “And, if I’m being honest, you always do what everyone else wants you to. ‘Oh, do this. Do that. Eat this. Don’t eat that!’ Fuck that. I hate that shit. You're not some clay pot they can mold or whatever. It's ridiculous.”

You couldn’t disagree. “And you think me eating all this food will change that?” you half-joked.

“I think you eating whatever the fuck you want and not worrying about what anyone else thinks is a good start.” He took a sip of his frozen margarita, one with a little umbrella, before adding, “And when you’re with me, sweetheart, you don’t have to compromise a damn thing. I’ll make sure of that.”

His words affected you more than you wanted them to. It wasn’t like he was wrong. Months and months ago, you’d let it slip that you ate extra healthy in public so tabloids couldn’t have “evidence” to slam you for your looks. That the sheer idea of eating bread or pasta was unheard of if anyone could see. (Not to mention having to order dessert to go, in secret in order to throw off the scent of fatphobic headlines.) You never won when it came to the media, even if you were content with how you looked.

By the time you and Eddie left the restaurant, well-fed and slightly tipsy, Eddie had you pinned up against any wall he could, lips attached to yours. Whispers of how pretty you looked, murmurs of things he wanted to do to you later. It left you in a fit of giggles that were quickly swallowed by his mouth.

It was a scene to behold, out in plain sight, but it was addictive. It was exactly what you’d wanted as a teenager who dreamed of true love. A love to call yours without hindrance from the opinions of others. 

You would stay forever if this was what the rest of your life looked like. Just the two of you, lovestruck on an island that seemed to leave you alone. 

When you set your stuff down at the beach, you couldn’t help but stare at Eddie removing his top. It was something else to see Eddie nearly undressed in public, sprinkled with dappled sunlight. Face risking the promise of sunburn, all rosy-cheeked and red-nosed. The scent of sunscreen wafting off him, sand somehow littering his hair. It was everything.

Under your sundress was that turquoise bikini Eddie had gotten you months before. You’d been wary about wearing it in public for the first time, but he promised you that people weren’t privy to taking photos here. That you were just as safe as you’d been in his pool. That you deserved to feel good.

And when you took the dress off, you could feel Eddie’s eyes raking over you. Because you turned, watching him stare at you through his sunglasses. He did that thing from the movies, pulling them down to the bridge of his nose, brown eyes dilating.

“Take a picture, it’ll last longer,” you chided.

“Mm, I’d rather take a Polaroid,” he said, making grabbing motions with his hands so you’d come closer. His hands found your hips before giving them a light squeeze. “And then, you know, cum all over it later.”

His words had you flustered, looking around as you hoped no one else could hear him. The others on the beach were too far away, but you couldn’t help but feel exposed. Some part of you knew it was because of your swimsuit, but you tried not to let it eat at your brain.

“I’d like that,” you said back, quieter than before. “But you better shut that pretty mouth of yours before I drag you back to our place.”

“Our place?” he questioned, a cheeky grin popping out. You rolled your eyes as his face got closer. “You wanna call it ours?”

Too bashful to respond, you kissed his shoulder before stepping back and walking towards the water. He was right behind you, hands finding purchase on your waist. It was as if he was stuck to you, making sure he followed wherever you strayed. 

You couldn’t cope with how much you liked it.

You couldn’t cope with how much you loved him.

“Don’t like my teasing?” he asked as your feet touched the water. 

Shaking your head, you took a tentative step forward. It was hard to tell the full truth, no matter how much you’d already shared. For some reason, everything still felt so delicate. Even six months in, it felt like it could all slip from your fingers at any moment. Why call something “ours” when there was no promise that it would be there tomorrow?

And why the hell were you thinking like that right now?         

“I like it a little too much,” you admitted despite your reluctancy. Forcing yourself to make eye contact, you added, “The idea of something being ours.”

“Does it now?” he asked. His voice was playful, but you could see that it made him feel soft when he pursed his lips, dimples deepening. 

“Mhm,” you responded, feeling a bit more confident.

Eddie kissed your cheek. “I’ll keep that in mind, fair maiden.”

The squeal of a child is what awoke you. Eyes fluttering open, your eyes adjusted to the light behind your sunglasses. And the ache of them sitting on the bridge of your nose had you tearing them off. Which, yeah, was a mistake. 

The umbrella seemed larger than before, cocooning you from the rest of the beach. A little paradise in public, all warm and cozy. It wasn’t shocking to find that you’d fallen asleep. 

“What time is it?” Eddie asked from under you.

“We fell asleep. Again,” you said with a yawn, sitting up. “I think it’s two? Maybe?”

Eddie was already wrapping his arms around your waist and pulling you back on top of him. Nuzzling himself back into you. Keeping you hostage.

“Good thing we napped, ‘cause we’re partying tonight,” he said with a mischievous grin. “It’s Emo Night over at one of the clubs.”

Raising an eyebrow, you looked down at him. “Thought you guys didn’t party anymore, old man.”

Throwing his free hand over his chest, he said, “We’re on vacation and you wound me.” Your shared laughter mixed seamlessly before he planted a kiss on your collarbone. “Come on, what do you say?”

You let out a huff. “I already said yes two minutes ago in my mind.”

Eddie looked up, grinning like a devil before pulling you down to connect your lips. 

You really could just stay there forever. 

You really, really could.

When you went to get ready for the night, your embarrassment set in as you stared down at your suitcase. You hadn’t brought anything black because you never really wore anything black. But you refused to say anything to Eddie or the others, too nervous you’d sound insecure. 

But the thing was that you were insecure. And if you did say something, Eddie would offer his clothes that you couldn’t fit into. So, instead, you sucked it up and made yourself look damn good in what you already had: a tight baby pink tank top and a short white pleated skirt with some wedges. The outfit complemented your curves, hitting your waistline just right. You were a beauty queen to behold, no matter how out of place you’d look tonight. 

When he got out of the bath, Eddie was there to shower you in compliments as he ate you out, skyrocketing your confidence like never before. And if you so happened to give him head before having to redo your makeup, well, it was worth it.

The two of you were rushing out the door, trying desperately to make it to the others in time before you had to leave. As you sped walked through the winding streets, you couldn’t help but look over at Eddie. He’d stayed in a black wife-beater and a pair of fitted black shorts. Kept his signature rings and beat-up black Converse. Hair in a low bun, eyes shadowed in sparkly charcoal, and his guitar pick choker. Your pretty boy, your gorgeous boyfriend. 

A chorus of greetings sounded the moment Grant opened the door. Everyone was decked in their usual ensembles, only altered slightly to accommodate the weather. Gareth, Jeff, and Grant even complimented you on your outfit, lowering your insecurities just enough to breathe momentarily.

But something you noticed was Ronnie eyeing you. It wasn’t obvious at first, just catching her gaze every now and then. By the sixth time you caught her looking you up and down, you were fully aware. Not to mention extremely confused by the behavior.

And it wasn’t something neutral. No, her eyes seemed to narrow bit by bit as Eddie held onto you. As he laughed with Grant over an inside joke. As he handed you another shot with a kiss.

Giving you this look that bordered on a warning. Like you were doing something wrong. Or, rather, she still expected you to make a mistake. Trip up and prove her right.

All you wanted to ask her was what could prove her wrong. What could you do to possibly give her the impression that you were worthy of Eddie’s affections?

But that was something you still wondered for yourself.

It was a chilling thought that you held the same questions. 

After pre-gaming with a round of shots and a shared joint, the six of you headed out to the club. Slightly cross-faded, the journey into the club was a little hazy. Because there were bodies upon bodies, all dressed like your boyfriend and the four others in your group. And you stood out for the most part, noticing glances from strangers.

But there was Eddie, arm snug around your waist as you made your way over to what seemed to be a private area overlooking the rest of the crowd on the dance floor. A shot was put in your hand and before you could think, the six of you were throwing them back like it was nothing. And judging by how drunk you already were, it sure tasted like nothing.

Right after slamming the glasses on the table, “If You Can’t Hang” by Sleeping With Sirens started, causing the crowd to cheer. You were one of them, looking at Eddie with a wide grin as he smiled at you.

“Ready to dance, pretty girl?” he asked.

You giggled. “Oh, I was born ready, pretty boy.”

The entire group moved to the dance floor, dangerously close to the growing pit. But you felt a surge of impulse, winking at Eddie and nodding over at the circle. A grin stretched across his face before you pulled him into the whirlpool. He howled in hysterical laughter as you went round and round, arms locked together as you moved around the pit. 

You yelled the lyrics with him, giggling at the way Eddie was straining to sound just like Kellin Quinn. Stomping your aching feet through a circle, stabilized by the people on the outside. Round and round you went, a carousel of sweaty bodies colliding, all blissful in the shared comradery. An adoration for music and human connection.

This was better than any after party you’d been to.

         “I met a girl talking away!

         She found a boy she knew she’d change!

         I changed my hair, my clothes, my face

         To watch us go our separate ways!”

What a gorgeous rush it was to be there with him. To be people for once, not just celebrities. It was just you and those around you, all able to enjoy this moment together. You were normal. You were human. 

And when Eddie grabbed you and swung you both out of the pit, he kept a grip on you. Kissed your temple before pulling you back towards the others. Swayed and let the people around you move you towards your destination.

“You’re fucking crazy for going in blind!” Jeff screamed as you neared, stabling you when the crowd jostled again. “Fucking crazy.”

You merely laughed, shrugging at him. “What can I say? I’m having a good time.”

“Have you ever been in a pit before?”

You turned at the sound of Ronnie’s voice, your smile starting to falter just a little bit. Just enough for her to catch.

Because no. No, you hadn’t. And you didn’t realize that that mattered to her. Or to anyone for that matter.

“Uh, no,” you responded.

“I think it’s hot,” Eddie said into your ear before looking over your shoulder. “She was great for her first time, right?”

You turned back around to meet his wild eyes, more interested in him than whatever the fuck Ronnie had to say about your behavior. He started singing again, attention now on you and only you.

It was addicting, gesturing with your hands as you screamed with your boyfriend at the top of your lungs. There was a certain form of catharsis that came from moments like these, fueled with the release of every negative emotion once associated with the lyrics. Now they were transformed into joy, a shred of light at the end of whatever tunnel that song had once held you in.

As the final verse kicked in, you pulled Eddie’s mouth to yours. Gasped at the way his fingers dug into your waist. Basked in the love that was overflowing from your heart. Your fingertips. Your eyes. Your mouth. Every piece of you was mesmerized by this moment, this little pocket of perfection that couldn’t be replaced. And, God, you truly believed for a moment that it was going to last forever.

         “Would you please stay and come inside, baby?

         Would you please stay and please be mine?”

To say that you were drunker than you’d been in months was an understatement. 

Shot after shot, one drink after another, you were filling up with a bubbly kind of adrenaline. You rotated in jumping into the pit, all of you ending up there at some point. What was left of a voice in your head kept you out of Ronnie’s way, her cold shoulder always too close for comfort. 

But Eddie suggested you get a final round. And who were you to pass up on that offer?

As you and Eddie headed towards the bar, you could hear the faint sound of someone calling both of your names. You didn’t want to turn, didn’t want to give attention to a stranger, but you couldn’t help it. And when you did turn, you saw a woman make direct eye contact with you.

All green eyes and wavy blonde hair, looking like a rock star’s girlfriend. Short denim skirt and even shorter crop top, smiling with mauve lipstick. She was really pretty. And then she looked at you, practically scoffing at your appearance. 

“Oh my god, Eddie?” the girl squealed, turning her face into something more innocent. “I’m a huge C-C fan.”

C-C?

And Eddie being cross-faded, all open and smiley, gave her a high five. 

“Hell yeah!” he exclaimed, chuckling.

“What the hell are you doing here?” she asked.

“A quick getaway with the band and my pretty girl over here.”

That’s when she finally acknowledged you. “Nice to meet you… You are?”

There was that little cut in your chest. You’d heard her say your name. She knew who you were. And she was making it very clear what your place was.

“Can I get a selfie with you?” she asked Eddie when you didn’t respond.

Here was a stranger. A fucking stranger trying to put you in your place.

Eddie nodded. “Fuck yeah, no problem.”

And Eddie wasn’t even aware. He couldn’t understand.

The girl turned to you, giving you a once over like Ronnie had earlier. “Actually, would you take the picture?”

And it was like a punch in the gut, her tight-lipped smile so different than the one given to your boyfriend. She was playing a game behind Eddie’s back, making her disdain for your presence known.

As you took the photo, some part of you couldn’t help but agree with her. Maybe your presence wasn’t as welcome as you once thought. Maybe you didn’t have a place here. Eddie just might not have seen it yet. Maybe he would soon.

When the girl walked away, bumping your shoulder on her way out, Eddie planted a sloppy kiss to your cheek and wiggled his fingers under yours before tugging slightly.

“C’mere,” he said, voice nearly overshadowed by the music. “Screw the next round. Lemme dance with my gorgeous girl. Hm?” You merely shrugged. “This reminds me of the night we met. Remember?”

That brought a smile back to your face. “How could I forget?”

He grinned, kissing your forehead. “Favorite Beatles song?”

“’Ticket To Ride’.”

“Excellent choice off of Help!”

You rolled your eyes. “Why thank you.”

“Just come here, baby.” How he was able to pull you closer was beyond you. “I’ll keep you safe. I promise.”

You sighed and nodded, letting him turn you around before heading back to the pit for another round of revelry and chaos.

“Did I stand out tonight?” you asked, the last of the alcohol turning you into a secret sharer. “Like, did I embarrass you?”

“What? No, baby. Never. Why would you think that?”

You and Eddie had sobered up by the time you fell into bed. But neither of you were quite tired yet, still buzzing off the energy of the nightlife. You caught each other’s eyes, heads on pillows turned towards one another. Moonlight dripping through the curtains. Eddie there, all porcelain and blue. All beauty and grace.

“’Cause I wasn’t dressed like you and Gareth and Grant and Jeff and Ronnie and—”

Eddie’s lips cut you off, all gentle and lovely.

“I like you just the way you are,” he said. “Would you want me to be someone else?”

You shook your head. “Never.”

 “Exactly.” Huffing, his eyelids drooped before they fluttered back open. A soft smile adorned his lips. “You called me a pretty boy in your song.”

You chuckled. “Yes, Eddie. Yes, I did.”

“You think I’m a pretty boy?”

“The prettiest.”

“I like that. Pretty boy. People think I’m all mean and scary.”

“In reality, you’re just a soft, pretty boy.”

“The softest,” he agreed. “And the prettiest.”

“I won’t tell anyone, don’t worry.”

“You already did, silly girl.”

You said nothing.

Eddie took your hand, holding it against his chest. 

“Wanna ask you something true.”

“Yeah, what is it?”

“What do you miss the most from before?”

You thought about it, fiddling with his tank top all the while. 

There was a lot about life before fame that still held value to you. The simplicity of going grocery shopping or to the farmer’s market. Writing in a coffee shop for hours while strangers flitted around you. Walking around thrift shops. Taking your time doing literally anything. 

But there was one place you could always stay invisible. A place that transported you to a different time, a different dimension. Come out a different person than before. You could almost taste the buttered popcorn and your favorite soft drink combo. You could almost taste that kind of anonymity again.

You smiled. “Probably going to the movies.”

“You could probably rent out a theater for a matinee showing. No one goes to those.”

“I did,” you said, smiling. “It was my favorite thing to do. Get a few dollars off, have the theater with one or two people who also had a day off. It was fun. I’d save up just to go see a movie.”

Eddie’s grasp on your hand tightened. “I think that’s cool. I always went to the movies and now I just pay for streaming. It’s actually pretty shit.”

“It sucks,” you agreed.

He let out a hum. “You’re making me miss it. Fuck.”

“Do you ever want to go back to that?” you asked softly. “You know, just being a person and not a celebrity.”

“If you asked me six months ago, I might’ve said yes.” The smallest smile reached his tired face. “But I never would’ve met you if I hadn’t gotten famous.”

“Yeah, that’s true,” you breathed.

“I wouldn’t trade you for the world.”

“I never want to be with anyone else ever again,” you confessed, closing your eyes. “I think you’re the best thing to ever happen to me. It’s just scary.”

“Don’t be scared, sweetheart,” he said, voice seemingly farther away than before. “You have me.”

And as sleep began to wash over you, you were left with one last sentence.

“You can’t get rid of me that easily.”

A special thank you to @strangergraphics for her help with these cool dividers!!! Always in love with what you come up with.

[pradaxstyles]

congratulations! you got your own lemon drop nonnie!!! reader (or OC) is traveling with/is friends with/is in a relationship with Ellie, and after a particularly rough night, reader basically asks ellie about her nightmares and says "You mumble in your sleep." idk how you would want to write this but i'd like to see it!! (i might send an idea for joel your way) -🍋

Oh my gosh hi my little lemon drop nonnie 😭 I've never had an emoji anon I'm so excited. Im sososo glad you requested something! Seeing this made my entire day!! It's been a few years since I've written anything, so I really hope you enjoy it!

As always, please come chat or leave some feedback!! I'd love to hear everyone's thoughts!! 💐🫶🏻✨

No Words Left Unsaid

Pairing --> Ellie Williams x Fem reader

Warnings --> Anxiety symptoms, Joel is dead (I'm sorry 😭) no explicit details of death, just mentioned. Ellie is a fragile mess. How I imagine Ellie to be if she had someone to go to (besides Dina) ab what happened to Joel. Briefly proofread, if I missed anything, please let me know!

Word count --> 1.6k

Alexa's notes✨ --> I hope this was okay!! I had an idea and quite literally ran with it. I'm always open for constructive criticism (please be nice about it)!! Love yall xoxo

You knew Ellie well enough that when she put her mind to something, it was going to get done. Regardless if she got herself killed while doing it, it would be the last thing she did.

What you didn't know, is where you stood with the short haired girl. Stolen glances, hands brushing against each other, soft smiles from across the room, the force that was Ellie made your cheeks burn like nothing else.

A heavy, repeated pounding came from your door late one night. Jolting awake, you rubbed the grogginess from your eyes and glanced at the clock, 3:47am. A chill ran down your spine, the winter air nipping at your skin.

The pounding came again, this time a little more urgent. Reaching for a blanket from the couch, you headed to the door.

Curiosity pricked at your fingertips, pulling the handle and revealing a crack of the person who woke you up.

Eyes widening, you whispered, "Ellie?"

You opened the door wider to get a better look at her. She was pacing, the prints of her boots having muddled together in the once pristine snow. Her hair wasn't in its usual bun, but rather messily laid around her head. You could tell she had been running her fingers through it as one hand remained nestled in her hair, pulling at the roots. She was mumbling things under her breath that you couldn't quite catch.

Releasing the handle, you walked down the small steps of your porch to where Ellie was still pacing. Laying a soft hand on her sweater clad shoulder, you said her name again.

She jumped and pulled herself out of your grasp. Finally able to get a good look at her face, you frowned.

Her eyes were puffy and red, cheeks a deep scarlet that concealed her freckles, her lips dry and cracked from picking at the skin there. A haunted look had made a home on her once cheeky demeanor.

She opened her mouth, willing words to form, but nothing came.

Taking a small step forward, you reached a hand out for her. "Ellie?" you questioned again, "What's going on? Are you okay?"

She met your hand and grasped it tightly. Her clammy hands a deep contrast from the cold air that surrounded the both of you. Ellie's eyes glossy eyes met yours and she squeezed your hand again. Ragged breaths clawed themselves from her lungs, her other hand landing on her chest.

Panic crept its way through your veins at the sight of the girl in front of you. Reaching for her other hand, you led her inside.

"Els, I need you to sit down okay? I'm gonna get you some water."

Ellie gave a weak nod before sitting on the edge of the couch. She took a deep inhale, the soft scents of your lavender and chamomile lotion bringing her a sense of comfort. You wrapped the blankets tightly around her shoulders before heading into the small kitchen. Faint sounds of hiccuped breaths and sniffling could be heard over the trickling of the water. A small sigh left your lips as you turned the water off, trying to compose yourself.

She had moved so her back was pressed into the couch and the blanket a cocoon around her body. Wanting to give Ellie some space, you sat on the opposite side.

Extending the glass towards her, "Here El, drink some of this, small sips. It'll make you feel better," you gently coaxed.

She accepted the water gingerly and took a sip before setting it on the small table in front of her.

"What happened, Ellie? Talk to me," soft words fell from your lips. A look of concern still etched into your features. You debated moving any closer before Ellie scooted herself so she was facing you.

Ellie took a shaky breath, "Joel-" and squeezed her eyes shut.

Your blood ran cold at the mention of his name. Joel had been a blessing to you and Jackson, someone everyone could count on. As much as you wanted to know what happened, you could tell Ellie was in no shape to discuss the events that occurred. You had an inkling, but didn't want to push it.

Tentatively, you tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear and laid your palm against her cheek. She leaned into your touch before opening her eyes again. "We don't have to talk about it tonight if you don't want to, angel. We can just go to sleep and deal with it in the morning," you offered.

A look of absolute defeat painted her features and it killed you inside. You could see her weigh the options before softly nodding her head. Ellie felt the exhaustion of the day settling heavy in her bones.

You stood and collected Ellie into your arms, holding her there for a moment. A shuddered breath hit your shoulder before you felt Ellie wrap her arms around your waist and hold you tightly. You took a few deep breaths and rubbed small circles into her back.

She pulled back slightly and gave a weak smile. Smiling back, you offered, "Let me get you some warm clothes for tonight, hm? And then we'll go to bed."

You took Ellie's hand and led her to the bathroom and left her to change. The door clicked shut behind her and you let a deep breath fall from your lips.

Sliding back under the warm blankets, you sat against the headboard and closed your eyes, waiting for Ellie. The sound of the door opening and Ellie's soft footsteps had you perking up.

"It'll be okay, Els. We'll take care of it, I promise." You held your arms open for her and she all but collapsed into your warm embrace. Laying her head against your chest, she entangled her legs with yours as you pulled the blanket up to cover her back.

Pressing a soft kiss to the top of her head, you mumbled "I'm here, bug and I'm not going anywhere."

Ellie gave a small nod, "Thank you."

You hummed in response and held her tightly against your body as if to shield her from every damn thing that had hurt her.

The sun's warm light began peaking in way faster than you wanted.

Ellie was fast asleep, cuddled into your chest. You hadn't moved in fear of waking the girl up, so you stayed in that same position all night. Rubbing random patterns onto her back, brushing your fingers through her hair, and consoling her when she seemed to be having a nightmare.

She's mumbled incoherent sentences since she fell asleep. You weren't sure if you should've woken her up, but as soon as you whispered "You're okay," "You're safe," she stopped.

You wished you could take the pain away. Ellie hadn't told you everything since she and Joel had arrived in Jackson, but she told you enough. They'd been through hell together, and you couldn't imagine what plagued her while she slept.

Ellie began to stir slightly, a groan falling from her lips. She tensed, not remembering where she was. "Wha-"

"You're okay Els, you're with me," you reassured her. Glancing down at her, a confused look melded on her features. "Do you remember coming over here last night?" The question felt sour on your tongue, remembering the broken state Ellie was in mere hours before.

She nodded slowly and began to pull from your arms. "I'm so sorry for showing up like that, I didn't know what else to do," she started. "I got back and Tommy told me to go home but I just couldn't, how could I just-"

You could tell she was getting upset all over again. Her breathing was starting to get erratic and in an effort to calm her racing thoughts, you placed a hand on her cheek.

"Els, it's okay. You're okay, you know you can come over anytime you need to. I'm always here for you," you reassured her. Ellie's eyes frantically searched your face for any doubt, but she found none.

She nodded slightly and laid down next to your sitting frame, eyes glued to the ceiling. Glancing up to see what she was looking at, "You mumble in your sleep," you acknowledged hesitantly.

Ellie winced ever so slightly and looked over at you. Tearing your gaze from the pale ceiling, you met her eyes. "What did I say?"

"It wasn't full sentences or anything, just some mumbled words and sounds," you started. "I'm not upset or anything, I just didn't know if yo-"

"I have nightmares," Ellie whispered softly, keeping her eyes on you, "Sometimes they change, and sometimes it's the same thing every fucking night."

You moved to lay down next to Ellie, willing her to continue. She took your hand and brought it to lay against her chest. Taking a deep breath, she continued, "Most of the time it involves Joel and what we went through a few years ago. There was a few times we both should have died, and we didn't."

Reaching with your intertwined fingers, you thumbed a small tear from her cheek, and pushed some loose hairs back. Ellie watched your roaming eyes and how they looked so full of love. Everything she noticed was calculated yet soft, deliberate showings of affection. Your eyes fell back to hers and Ellie's cheeks warmed slightly. You nodded slightly, urging her to continue if she wished.

"Don't get me wrong, I'm forever thankful we didn't die during those times, but now all I see is him dead. I see it when I'm awake, I see it when I'm asleep. I can't get away from it. I can't lose another person again, I can't lose you. I'm not ready to lose you yet."

Ellie had never laid her cards out like this before, let alone told anyone what plagued her at night. You held her gaze the entire time, hanging on to every word she said. Ellie was so thankful for you in that moment. She was always thankful for you, but in this moment, maybe just a little more.

"You're not going to lose me, Els. It's us against the goddamn world. That I promise you."

[misscammiedawn]

Hi, I've been reading your Mr. Robot essays and I must say I love them. After reading the brainwashing one, I was thinking if you can write one on Angela fully, especially what kind of mental illness she would have (maybe BPD and HPD due to everything she went through), the deconstruction of perfection, toxic positivity and toxic feminsm which lead to her believing in Whiterose and her betrayal of Elliot (maybe out of jealousy towards him as well)

Thank you so much!

I'll need to do some reading and thinking if I want to tackle the topic. Unlike the other characters Angela's mental illness is a lot more implied. We know outright that Darlene has Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Dom has a form of insomnia (or a more severe sleep disorder) and it is heavily implied Whiterose has a severe obsessive compulsive fixation with time.

Tyrell is another difficult one to pin down because his depiction in season 1 is a pastiche of Patrick Bateman from American Psycho (in the same way season 1 Elliot follows many beats from the narrator from Fight Club). I have read a lot of analysis on Bateman that pin him down as Antisocial Personality, Narcissistic Personality and Borderline Personality and with Bateman, a remorseless and delusional killer it's stigmatizing no matter what way you attempt to slice that pie. For Tyrell it's easier because he displays far more empathy, affection and elevated attachment.

Angela though?

Angela is super hard mode for the analysis. Not because there's nothing to bite onto, there's SO MUCH but because she is in complete denial of her failings. Denial is one of her biggest character traits. To the point of which she seeks and draws out affection entirely from places where she is outright refused it.

"That's the thing about Angela, she doesn't love the people who love her. She loves those who don't. This is her power-saver mode."

Angela is fairly horrid to those who show her affection. Her dad is nothing but kind to her and she ruthlessly breaks his heart before Whiterose brainwashed her. She betrays Elliot in Season 3. The only character in the cast that she is consistently good to is Darlene and she admits in dialogue that she always felt that Darlene looked down on her.

She's certainly Cluster B and as you say HPD and BPD are the best bets. That is all but guaranteed from her erratic and often contradictory behavior as well as her attachment issues.

Said attachment issues are literally the only way to explain the scene between Angela and Shayla in Season 1. The writing in Mr. Robot is so tight that a sequence of Angela and Shayla making out (when Angela already identifies her as "Elliot's girlfriend") was a bit egregious. If you put it into context of her being massively sleep deprived, high and in the midst of a manic episode that leads to her poor decision to get high on a work night, stay out all night and ends with her infecting AllSafe and calling Lawyers until the start of the work day... well it's still difficult to justify but it's consistent with the level of emotion and spite driven decision making she was utilizing at the time.

Another issue with analyzing her character is the muddy water around Doubelday's exit from the show. I read that it was related to a real-life relationship with Malek that ended poorly. Regardless we know her exit from the show was not on the best of terms because they needed to use archive footage and a body double for the finale.

I once read a theory that when the show was 5 seasons instead of 4 there would have been a plot involving Tyrell and Angela inside of E Corp and I would have loved to have seen the two most insecure characters bonding. We likely would have understood more about them through their similarities. They both look down upon their kind hearted(?) fathers, they both become erratic when they are disrespected and they both place far too high a value on how they are superficially perceived. The two are a mirror to one another and they spent a lot of time together in Season 3, though we didn't get to see it.

I feel both their arcs feel incomplete because they were snipped to fit the conclusion into 13 episodes. But that's just a personal theory.

Regardless. There's a deep well and I may tackle it at some point.

I'll try and think on how to approach her, Darlene and Tyrell at a later point but until then this Reddit thread is pretty dang amazing and does the topic justice:

[youdontloveme-yet]

It seems people around here need a bit of an insight on the events that are happening in the Middle East currently. (btw, there has been a devastating earthquake in Afghanistan, which also needs attention) I will compile what my friend has said since this genocide started and what they're basically being forced to live through. Excuse me, survive through.

07.10.23: First thing my friend sent me in the morning was this:

Saying the bombings have not stopped since 6am, while he texted me this photo at 8am. He said there're bombs and rockets flying in different directions from all over Gaza. Be it by Hamas or IDF doesn't matter. Our conversation continues to me witnessing a 22 year old man breaking down, wishing this was just a bad dream. A little while later as I bombard him with questions about the situation and what they're saying on the news and whatnot he simply said:

When I asked if there are any protocols for civilians:

As the day went on and I had to function like an actual person and go to work, in the evening I asked if his family has emergency plans.

And asked for shelters.

He joked about the situation. We joked about the situation. You know, to keep the normalcy rather than making it worse for everybody. He didn't sleep that night. I couldn't stop crying through the entire day and night.

08.10.23: First thing is the morning is to see if he's okay. Still alive, still joking about it. I asked about the bombing and he tells me they've been going on every few minutes through the entire night. We continue speaking through the entire day, as I cannot stop shaking nor crying, because I am absolutely fucking useless and helpless.

Is what comes out as he is barely holding up, amidst joking around. He still asks me about my day, why I am scheduling therapy, if I have eaten anything and so on. Regardless the fact that he is now in an active warzone with very big prospects of him dying. So, I think you can paint a picture of the type of person he is. I try to keep our conversations light and normal, as they usually are, so as he doesn't lose his mind. He send me pictures of his cat and growing a stress beard. We joke around and keep up the normalcy as much as possible. We go back and forth with how he will not get rid of me especially in this situation. With him constantly telling me it's not worth it and how I'll only get hurt. As you can imagine I legit do not care, since I will stick with him 'till the very end. We continue going in circles with why I shouldn't get attached or how he's happy to see my ugly mug, some innuendos being throw around and whatnot. Every night I tell him to stay safe as if he has any power over it. In the evening I ask if he needs some distraction, either to talk or play games. He played a few games with the rest of the server, you know, to keep his sanity. I keep sending memes and stupid shit to keep it light. We got to the point where we started talking about books, so I ask him for his favourite:

I unfortunately literally passed out after our book conversation, as I was fatigued from crying and shaking all day.

09.10.23: In the morning he tells me he is alive and doing okay-ish. After which we continue with the back and forth of "it's a waste of time to stress about me". I ask about his family, how I'll love and support him even if he commits war crimes and whatnot. To which he continues to answer with stuff like this:

Well, we both know is a bit too late to not get attached. :)

There is something so viscerally horrifying when a big, strong man tells you he is scared. There is something so incredibly painful, when the person you've grown attached to tells you he is scared. I cannot even start to explain how my heart sunk and the most abusive and profound sadness nested itself in my chest. I woke up every hour during that night, even though I smoked enough weed to keep me asleep for a week. And I woke up in terror every fucking hour of the night.

10.10.23: He's alive and well. As well as someone can be in his situation. Hadn't slept all night, but is alive. We continue our usual banter and jokes through the day. Later he apologizes for forgetting that I am going to therapy. We talk about flowers, because he loves flowers and we both need distraction. As we keep talking he casually throws in how he finally has his meds. Which to me is weird, because he hadn't mentioned any pills before. And this is how I learn he is on anti-depressants since his brother killed himself the previous year. He hadn't told anyone else. I will here remind that he is not even 22 yet and has gone through absolute shit. By absolute shit I mean the worst things imaginable. For example, he shared in the server how he witnessed a rocket split a person in half, nearly killing his brother when he was only 14 years old. Later on I had the small victory of making him laugh, while bombs were still raining on them. We even played a game that night. Then the horrors continued:

I left him to his own vices for that time, as I knew anything I'd say would make it only worse. When I spoke to him next he had calmed down, even tho he was battling his demons. Even made him smirk with a pun. And the dread came back in full power after.

So, as you can imagine, knowing that the person you most deeply care about doesn't want to exist is absolutely and irrevocably devastating. I do not recall if this was the same night, when he told us they started using white phosphorus rockets, but it might as well have been the same night. I would like to remind here that white phosphorus is banned as a weapon and is allowed only to use for smoke screen. While in this case they were launching rockets full of it towards houses and entire neighbourhoods. The whole idea behind it is that if a person doesn't die from an entire building collapsing, they will either suffocate or literally melt due to the phosphorus. Which automatically means that they cannot identify victims or have claims that a child has been killed. It is a very old tactic used in the majority of devastating wars.

So, here I will ask all the zionists and racists, how can a person like this be dubbed a terrorist? How can a person, who cares more about my well-being, while being actively under siege, a fucking terrorist? With what consciousness do you call all Palestinians terrorists? What goes through your silly little minds to support Israel in slaughtering such people?? Palestine is 2mil people, 55% of which are children. The average age in the country is 18. And people still dare to say that they are animals, subhuman and terrorists. You have no actual evaluation of what is right and wrong, if you cannot get it through your thick skulls that Hamas is but a fraction of Palestine, while the rest 90+ percent of people are just like you and me. Have you no empathy for those who have been subjected to severe ethnic cleansing for 80 fucking years? Because you all had sympathy for Ukraine when Russia attacked, but when it is not white fucking people, it is not a genocide, it's the colonial state of Israel defending themselves.

I will end this here for now, as I have to pretend to be a functioning person and work. I will continue this when I can.

Peace and may your Gods save your souls when karma comes for you. Everyone else, stay safe :)

[strixcattus]

Gonna tackle these complicated words for my Conlang Year translation now. There are seven of them and the goal is to figure them all out today.

Breakfast This is not that complicated of a word. I just haven't figured out how to name meals in Lecizao. It's the same deal as "good morning"—I have a lot of good words for times of day, but would people for whom time is malleable and occasionally opt-in make their greeting dependent on those? I didn't like that possibility. So instead of greeting people with linear-time delineations, we have something that basically means "good waking." I could probably extrapolate that to get something like "good resting" (evening send-off?), and then "good day" might be something I'd be willing to translate directly. (Plus "sleep well" for "good night"... That's a whole set! Wow!) As far as "breakfast" goes... I honestly might lift the English compound strategy wholesale. It's the fast-breaking meal, regardless of what time of day you eat it at. Straightforward.

So many As in "only so many times." Another that shouldn't be too difficult, though it's not something that can really be literally translated. I could create a phrase like "only a number of times." "There's only a number of times that one can..." I think I'm actually happy with that. And I have all the words already.

Anticipate I had to make a word for "predict" already, but I don't think it would work here. I could make a compound something along the lines of "foresee" or "see ahead." I'd need to make a word for "ahead" or "forwards," then. Or I could use the word I already have for "future?" That might make more sense.

Disoriented I don't want to just translate this as "confused." (Not that I have a word for "confused.") I could do something like "directionless"... though that feels wrong. Definitely something in that zone, though. Not missing direction, but missing orientation. Sense of place. I can compound that, probably.

Rejuvenated Revitalised. Restored. Given new life, energy, or youth. This is actually something I could cut entirely if I had to, since the sentence goes on to mention "zest for life," which was a concept I felt deserved its own word (listed in my lexicon as "energy, love of life"). So if worst comes to worst I can route the sentence around it and lose very little information. That might be the best plan, and it's certainly the easiest.

Blindsided I've been rendering this as "shocked" and "caught off-guard" in my templates. "Caught unaware" is another possible rendering. I could do something with my new word for "predict" or whatever I can piece together for "anticipate"—actually, I like the thought of doing something with "predict," since it shows up later in the sentence and the repetition would mirror something that happens earlier in both the original English and the translation. I'll go with that... somehow.

Distinctive I don't know why this one is hard. Maybe it's the suffix. I can barely articulate the difference between "distinct" and "distinctive" in English. The former means "different" (as of multiple things) and the latter means something like "special" (as of one thing), right? That's the impression I'm getting. Could I just render it as "special?" "In that special way." Or "one." "In that one way." That's the one I think I like more.

With that I've cut down my seven problem words to four. One will be a simple compound (with one half to be created), another will be a compound whose halves I already have entirely, one might be a compound or a short phrase ("lack of [sense of place]..."), and the last will be some sort of compound, only one half of which I both have and know. That's just two easy things and two complicated things.

[cosmic-kinglet]

Well, looks like everybody's getting caught up on everything now...and I may have to go back and add all the videos with Stitchwraith to my playlist...haaaaaaaauuuugh.

Anyway, Monty's fixed, Spaniard is back online, it turns out Ruin apparently made the computer into a touch screen (which makes no sense because his hands were literally just metal claws, but whatever), Sun and Moon now know that KC is dead, and now they've got to get the daycare fixed.

It was just a brief comment, but something was said about Eclipse looking better soon. So, I guess they're just going straight to fixing his body. If you've been keeping up with all my screaming and ranting from the past two days, it's probably not too surprising that I was hoping we would actually see him again today. If nothing else, I thought it might either add to the loose evidence of faking being cured or put my mind at ease a bit. Like, my post from almost 2am last night wasn't a joke; I genuinely did not know if I was going to be able to sleep because my entire brain is just overloaded with the desire to analyze and theorize and rewatch videos to find any evidence for those theories, so that's all that I want to do. That's all that I'll want to do until we get some further clarity about exactly how genuine that cure was. (Cue me physically restraining myself from going on an entire rant about how it seems more likely that any version of the creator would put a fake cure out in the open rather than just having the actual cure just sitting around with nothing but a panel of buttons guarding it from just anyone taking it.)

Anyway, I've gone way off topic from just today's video. So, basically, everything kind of suck right now for everyone, and regardless of whether Eclipse is actually fixed or not, there's still Bloodmoon to worry about.

[awaitingfall]

07.14.24

Wasn’t planning on posting today, but I’m starting to feel a little anxious so maybe writing it out will help.

I feel like something’s been going on with my heart. It beats so fast and so hard at random times throughout the day. Well it might not be random because I feel like it happens after I eat certain foods like carbs, and then maybe after a long day of not being too active it starts to beat like that in the evening. Or also when I’m having bad stomach cramping, which happened this morning again. But also just walking up a flight of stairs. I live on the 3rd floor of my apartment building and I walk up and down them everyday, you’d think my body would get used to it by now? But I literally have to stop before the last flight and just chill for a few seconds before I finish. And it’s not like I’m incredibly out of shape or anything.

I’ve only noticed it get this bad in the past few months, but I’ve definitely had a faster heart rate almost all my adult life. I don’t really remember the POUNDING heart ever being an issue other than after I’ve done something super active. Part of me feels like it could be from my neighbor’s cigarette smoke getting into our apartment and breathing that in whenever we’re home. Most times when we come home it REAKS of cigarettes. All I want is to have my own space away from other people’s bullshit but I don’t have enough money for a down payment on a house 😭 Anyways, I really don’t know what else it could be from. Maybe my meds are starting to affect me, but I’ve been on the same ones for years now, nothing’s changed. Although, now that I think of it, I used to take my anxiety meds at night before bed until I realized that I would get a pounding heart when I was just laying in bed trying to fall asleep. So I looked it up and that is one of the side effects of the med…shit, maybe that has a lot to do with it since switching to taking it in the morning. Damn I would’ve never thought about that if I didn’t right all this out, SEE writing out my problems DOES help sometimes! 🥲 Regardless, I could probably work on my cardio to help strengthen my heart, but I feel like that’s not fully addressing the issue. I see my doctor at the end of the month and I’m going to ask her to refer me to a cardiologist so they can run tests. I’m only worried because my grandfather died from heart related issues, although he didn’t have those problems until he was older. I just want to be careful and take care of myself as best as possible, especially while I’m still young.

I’m sure my anxiety doesn’t help with the rapid heart rate. I’m sure it just makes it worse once I start worrying about it.

I really want to be off of all of my meds. I feel like starting birth control is the reason I began having thyroid issues and made my anxiety worse. But I’ve been on birth control for 10 years now and I’m scared of how my body is going to react to stopping it 😰 If anyone has had any experience with stopping birth control can you comment or send me a message about how that went (would be even better if it was the Kariva brand). I feel like I hear so much negative stuff and I’m worried if I stop it it’s going to uproot my entire life. I did have fairly painful periods before BC and my job is very active, I feel like I’d have to ask off at least 3 days/month just to rest, but I’m also the fucking anchor holding everything down at my job and the only one who can work the press so no actual orders would get done for 3 days and my boss would not be about that 😭

Idk, just a lot to overthink about. But hopefully since I wrote it out here it won’t keep me up all night and I can have a peaceful sleep 😌

I’m just going to start fresh tomorrow. Wake up at 5am, start with a guided meditation sitting up in bed, drink some water and take my meds, then go upstairs and get a nice well-rounded workout in. My breakfast will be scrambled eggs with kimchi, spinach and feta cheese on some sourdough toast. Then I’ll prep my lunch and dinner which will both be plain Greek yogurt with some of that farm-fresh honey I just picked up today and a goji berry trail mix on top. And then I’ll spend the evening reading.

I just can’t let my boss stress me out tomorrow. The fact that he’s back in the shop for 2 months just makes me want to quit, but I know I’m stronger than that and can’t let a random human being affect my mental health like that. I shouldn’t let anything affect my mental health, unless it’s in a positive way 😤

[renalex]

Saw a post on here that was full of so much disdain for dogs that i nearly unfollowed the mutual that posted it.

The comments were such a mess of things i've heard many times. And because the comments were universally negative the op proclaimed that they were clearly the silent majority.

Leave your dog at home (people are allergic and phobic). Don't take them to parks (they make them unclean for children) Just the usual dogs are disgusting and untrained and dangerous kinda stuff.

Those are well and good and true and also opinions that people have so that's fair. But one thing that I saw a lot of and have heard many times from people I consider dear friends I just find so confusing. The notion that "it's cruel for people who live in cities to own dogs because apartments are small and there are no yards" The comment that got under my skin sated that we shouldn't even allow people in cities to own dogs.

So I'm fully bias on this right. I live in Toronto and I have a dog. In fact, I live in a studio/bachelor apartment with my medium sized dog perfectly happily. I've had dear friends look me in the eye and tell me that apartment living for dogs is bad for them. "I could never have a dog in a bachelor! There's no space!" I don't know how to explain, without seeming defensive, that dogs can be abused and neglected anywhere regardless of the existence of a yard or not. Growing up in rural Canada, where people have loads of property, it was not uncommon for me to see people have their dogs tied up outside all year long. My family had indoor dogs my entire childhood who only had outside access to a small fenced in part of our yard. The world of most of our pets is incredibly small. What matters is how loved they are and the amount of care you give them.

I do realize what they're saying to me is that they could never have a dog in the city and that is good. If you feel like you couldn't provide a good environment for a dog I think it's good that you not have one in that case. A very responsible decision indeed. But I do have to consciously make the effort to not take it as a judgment. Because stating that apartment living for dogs is cruelty sure feels like a judgment at times. To me it seems cruel to leave a dog in a shelter when I have the space in my heart and life to have one. I've always had dogs. I love having dogs. Dogs make more sense to me than people. Are there bad, neglectful owners out there? of course. But dogs existing in cities do not have it worse off than dogs existing in the country.

My dog lives happily in my small apartment with me. Even though I don't even have space for seating I have multiple beds for him and many toys. He eats breakfast and dinner with plenty of treats in between. The first thing I do when I wake up and the last thing I do before bed is walk him. He gets 4-5 long walks a day where he gets to sniff everything he wants. because we live in a city he has many many different dog friends he gets to say hi to and play with. Then at night he has his own little blanket at the end of my bed he gets to curl up on and sleep. He goes with me on transit and sits under my seat. He gets to come with me to some of my friends' places when I go. And when he can't join me he gets to stay at home and he does well by himself even though he has separation anxiety. I think he's got it pretty good.

Would I like to take him literally everywhere with me? sure. Do I? no. There are places he shouldn't be and that's ok.

Most importantly he has been there with me unconditionally. Through some legit awful times. Through people treating me badly. And he has nothing but love for me even though I'm not perfect. I would do anything to make sure he lives the best life I can give him because that's my responsibility. he gives me so much it's the least I can

I don't know man. I guess seeing such blatant dog hate on my dash got me in a mood but dogs are good. Dogs are happy so long as you're doing your best by them.

Some pics of the best boy

[dwarf-vader-of-middle-earth]

Me growing up and realizing my robot story is literally how I coped growing into an adult and coming to terms with being disabled, gay, trans, and having PTSD.

In my first draft of Mechtyra, the main character, Alex Sendale, is inside the castle when he suddenly feels his chest tighten, his breathing is restricted, he feels sweaty and hot and cold, and he literally doubles over with emotion, then stands up entirely confused just seconds later, and forgets why he was feeling this way at all. I was around 13 when I wrote that scene, and had never heard the term "panic attack". So I didn't use it, I simply put into great detail what Alex felt and experienced, and how it affected him.

For the entire time leading up to the turning point of the novel, Alex receives nightmares. Constantly. Every time he sleeps. They're of his personal shame, his failures, and the very one who caused them all to happen. This entity haunts Alex relentlessly, and he never feels free, and he fears going to sleep to the point he'll stay awake for days at a time until his body literally collapses in exhaustion and he sleeps against his will. I had no idea these were symptoms of PTSD when I was 12 years old, but it's what I was going through. So without terminology, I once again wrote in extreme detail how Alex experienced fear that pierced his very soul and mind and paralyzed him. And eventually he stands up, he learns to fight back against his personified shame and regret, in the form of the entity that appears in his nightmares each night. The big finish of the novel is Alex facing this thing in reality, alongside his friends, who've helped him all this way to become stronger and learn to fight, and he lands the killing blow, defeating the creature once and for all. This is me defeating my inner demons, and recovering. Saying I won't let the past control me and dictate my future, therein affecting the futures of those around me.

Alex finds his home on Mechtyra, with Mechtyrians, and finds that he relates to them more than Humans. And in multiple stages throughout the novel, he begins transforming into a Mechtyrian himself, until, finally, he takes on the full form of one by the end of the novel. And Humanity looks at him strangely, confused, not understanding his change. Why has this man forsaken what he was born as, to become something so foreign and different? What was wrong with himself before? Some Humans acknowledge Alex's change, and they support him. But most are angry, resentful, and feel he has betrayed them. However, the Mechtyrians embrace Alex completely for everything he is, welcome him home, love him as his truest self wherein Alex is finally satisfied with what he looks like, and he knows there is no mistaking him for what he is. Still, some Humans refuse to say he is really actually a Mechtyrian. He wasn't born this way. He became what he is now. And of course, birth defines the entirety of your identity, and dictates what you are forever regardless of how much you change. This was me coming out as a man, experiencing transphobia. This was my struggle and still is. It's me finding home and safety with the trans community, versus the cisnormative society that we live in.

Alex falls in love with a Mechtyrian who is the best medic on that planet. His name is Xefyr. The two rescue each other in countless ways throughout the novel. Each night, Xefyr appears in Alex's nightmares, and helps him defeat Gladrious, the main villain of the book. But during wake, Alex helps Xefyr come to terms with himself, his responsibilities, and shows Xefyr that he is, in fact, important. Amongst a pantheon of over 100 gods, Xefyr still means something to a lot of people in his life. He matters, and to Alex, he is everything. The two coexist, and literally keep fighting for each other's sake, and well-being, despite wanting to give up and die. Neither can for several reasons. But they learn to fall in love with life and find beauty in it despite the hardships and trauma it's caused. This is me doing the same. Fighting my suicidal thoughts caused by incessant trauma that doesn't go away even years later. I've learned to see the beauty in the small things throughout many years, and to cherish the moments of joy and peace more than I suffer from the hardships of life. Just as Alex and Xefyr look to the future with one another and see hope, I look to my future myself and see light. It may be far away sometimes, but it's there nonetheless.

The entire novel uses the metaphor of light. Alex weaponizes the element of light itself, and uses it to fight back against every enemy that stands in his way, each of which represents something or someone once important to himself, but he shines brighter than the shadows they cast, and he keeps moving forward with the fight until it's over. This is me fighting through everything and everyone who has ever hurt me, and showing I am bigger than them. I am me. I am my own light, my own sun, and I shine to guide myself onto my own path. I am not controlled by those who tried to take hold. I am more than them. I am me.

And I won't say who, but there's a specific character who hurt Alex especially in the novel. And this character, they turn out to be a traitor at one point. It's entirely unexpected, it's not hinted at whatsoever in the current draft, and I don't want to hint at it for any reason. It comes as a surprise to readers, so that they feel the fear and dread Alex feels when he learns this truth as well. Someone who he thought supported and cared for him, and others for that matter, is anything but. And not a soul in the universe suspected this or saw it coming. This is me coping with the people I've lost who were once close to me, VERY close, but they ended up supporting all the horrible world-ending things and working for them to actively hurt people like myself, and basically everyone in the end. It's about the two faces of which you maintain, the one being the face you wear when alone, and the other is that which you wear around anyone else. Only the individual knows their full truth, their ambition and desire and state of being. And it's always a shock when others find this truth about those closest to them, whether for better or worse. But here I vent my horrors of finding the absolute worst about those around me, and how it affects me so deeply and is so unexpected.

Basically in the end, my novel has grown with me. It's become its truest self as I have done the same. It's shown my life as I've grown, and am still growing. Through characters which each hold an aspect of myself, I express my life and my progress, the setbacks and experiences I've been through, and it's helped me come to terms as I've gotten older with who I am and what has made me this way. And I have to wonder what the coming years of rewriting this novel as its current draft will reveal to me about myself.