#i like what ive come up with but in a narrative sense not a personal 'mm ya this is my aesthetic' way

[i-heart-hxh]

hello! i have a question, but i dont quite know how to word it….

i like listening to people’s thoughts on hxh, because sometimes its difficult to collect my own thoughts and hearing others articulate it helps me form my own analysis. usually it clears up confusions on narrative choices, however this thing still confuses me because ive seen lots of meta which sometimes conflict with each other or infos from the show. maybe i missed something?

i dont want to link anybody because i dont want to “call them out” but its a frequent opinion ive come across, so not one person. but what i hear sometimes goes along the lines of: gon vowed to sacrifice everything to defeat pitou -> killua arrives -> despite going through with his jajanken, killua’s presence causes gon to realize he doesnt actually want at all to sacrifice everything and the vow is broken (causing him to lose his nen when he recovers from the physical toll)

i really love this reading. the scene where gon turns to killua right before the screen goes white has always been impactful and seemed important to me for reasons i cant explain. but i’m reluctant to adopt it because the way i understood the nen vow was that it was actually a condition—that gon would only use this power to kill pitou, and then per the “rules” he would lose everything as equivalent exchange when pitou was defeated. and that the reason why his nen was lost was because nanika healed him as he was—which was nen-lost. but the show mentions vows and conditions in conjunction so much sometimes the difference gets muddled in my brain, so i suppose im confused about that as well.

i guess im just asking your thoughts on killua and gon’s love for him potentially being the thing to cause gon’s vow/condition to break. i think its a really sweet idea but im not sure if the mechanics of what exactly gon did to kill pitou support it

sorry for the long ask. please have a nice day!!!!!

Hello! Great question!

So, my way of understanding it is that Gon traded all of his nen potential (meaning all of his nen he had at that time and all of the nen he would have ever had in the future) in order to achieve his adult form and have enough power to kill Pitou. By the time he had achieved that form, he was already doomed to have no nen once he used up the massive but finite amount he had, which was his whole lifetime worth. Like taking out a loan on the full amount of money you'll ever make in your lifetime and then burning it all, but more abstract because it's not money.

It very well may have killed him as well, if not for Killua arriving. Think of the cost to his body to unnaturally achieve that form and use that much nen, which is what Killua recoils at realizing when he sees Gon in that form. I'm sure this is why he ended up as such a withered husk afterwards.

Killua showing up definitely saved him, however, both because he helped him dodge Pitou's Terpsichora and in a more far-reaching emotional sense as well. I think when Killua arrived and called his name that final time, it made Gon realize that he wasn't just giving up his own future--he was giving up his future with Killua as well, and by giving up his life it was going to destroy Killua and leave him alone. Gon had steeled himself to die prior to this, but looking back at Killua's face, his expression entirely changes, softens. As a result, I think Gon holds back a bit with his final Rock and preserves himself just enough to keep his body going. Then Nanika heals Gon's body, but this doesn't undo the nen contract he made--even though his body fully recovers, he did still give up all his nen potential, after all.

(I'm very sorry for posting these pages, know that it breaks my heart to look at them.)

So, the way I see the scene, it's less about the mechanics of it, as that's relatively straightforward. Gon losing his nen was already set when he decided he wanted to give it all up in order to be strong enough to defeat Pitou. It's more about how Killua reaching Gon impacted him emotionally and made him hold back to the degree he could at the very end. Because at that final moment Killua was able to reach him at last--by saying his name, an echo of other scenes in the arc with Meruem and Komugi.

I absolutely think the intent of that scene is that Killua has become Gon's light and saved him--by showing Gon that he wasn't alone, that there was someone else worth living for, that Killua cares about him and doesn't want to lose him. Gon lost sight of that previously amid his trauma and guilt, but in that final moment, he truly sees Killua's horror and pain at what he's doing, and Gon realizes he doesn't want to leave Killua behind forever. Gon manages to barely survive as a result.

[catastrophicdisasters]

alright i need to ramble abt TUA s4 somewhere that isn't at someone who doesn't care lmao

putting it under a see more bc a lot of it is based on stuff that's been said in the recent cast interviews and could definitely be considered spoilers

tl;dr: a theory post about who, if anyone, i think is going to die this season (and why, ranked by how narratively coherent i think their death would be, and how it would - or wouldn't - round off their character arc)

emphasis on the "i think", as obviously this is my opinion on what i think would make a satisfying narrative

so, in one of the interviews from today, Robert is asked how he feels about the "kind of sacrifice" at the end of the story, and his response is "yeah there's a kind of death that happens" and to then wax philosophical about physical death vs the kind of death that happens when the memory or the person is gone, and how there's a "kind of passing that happens"

and like, most people are convinced that someone's going to die by the end of the season, myself included, but i've just had another idea Robert really talked AROUND the word death, saying "a kind of death" and "a passing", and with him talking about that 'do you die when you physically die or when nobody alive can remember you' style thing, I'm thinking that maybe someone gets themselves erased from the timelines

so they still EXIST, as theyre not physically dead, but because nobody can remember them, it's still a kind of death (exactly like Robert said)

whether or not that person retains their memories is kind of irrelevant, though them keeping them does make for a more tragically satisfying arc - they gave up their existence to keep their family safe/save the world, and yet none of them will ever look at them with recognition or love again, and will never truly know just what they did for them. i think that could be done really well, as there's a special kind of beauty in a character who is happy to accept their own end in order to protect those they love (also, if i wanted to get super analytical of that, i could draw parallels between that idea and the trailer's choice of song - The End; the opening song of The Black Parade album, the funeral song that kicks off the narrative album with themes such as the life that comes after death-)

~

now, with that said, i want to go off about who my top choices for death/erasure actually are:

well, first i want to say who i don't think it's going to be, and that's Diego and Lila. and that is because they've set up this little family arc for them via Lila's pregnancy, and right from ep1 it was established that Diego was the most attached to Grace - his mother figure - highlighting the importance of the parental figure in his life. both of them have a strong sense of detachment and independence / not needing anyone else, while actually longing to be part of something, to have a family unit. so with the two of them now being married and having a child together, especially given what Ritu said in an article - that "they are not really communicating and are snapping at each other" - it sets up the perfect arc for them to find their place, together, and forging the family dynamic they both so clearly want.

I could talk more about them (i.e, Diego having multiple instances that make reference to his desire to prove himself to his father, vs Lila collapsing post s2 because she just wanted to know if The Handler - if her mother - ever really loved her), but that's not the point of this post

so working backwards from who i think is least likely (and why, obviously):

Viktor:

- originally i had a big question mark over Viktor, bc ive always kind of struggled to pick up the threads of his arc, but even then i still don't think that death/sacrifice would be narratively satisfying for him? is it possible that he sacrifices himself to save his family? i mean… i guess? he's always been more passive and less confrontational than the others, so even if the opportunity presented itself i feel like someone else would probably beat him to the punch

- BUT, that's still not actually the reason i think it won't be him - it's because i think a more satisfying ending for him would be for him to have everything he was denied in childhood. with him coming out, they've set themselves up really nicely to push an ending for Viktor that has him finding himself, understanding himself, and finally being happy with himself. whether he ends up keeping and accepting his powers or not makes no odds as long as HE makes that choice for himself! let him be surrounded by family/people who love him for who he is, let him choose to live for himself and be happy!

Allison:

- i have a similar problem with Allison that i have with Viktor, in that i don't really know where her arc is going, at least as far as the Hargreeves are concerned. Allison's been pretty clear that her priority is her daughter, getting back to her daughter, protecting her daughter. and now she has her back. and she even has Ray back!

- i've never reeeeally been a fan of redemption through death (though there are exceptions), so the thought of her being the one to die/sacrifice herself to save the rest of the Hargreeves just… doesn't sit right with me. particularly because i'm also fairly sure i read somewhere that Emmy said that Allison is kind of "done" with the Umbrella Academy family stuff, and that she's all about being a mother again, which brings me to my next point;

- Allison dying would actually have more of an emotional impact on Claire and Ray than it would to any of the Umbrellas. and, as nice as Ray is and I'm sure Claire will be, they are not the major characters in this show. they are not the ones we have spent three seasons connecting and sympathizing with. would her death still have impact? of course! but i think that there's too much to resolve (such as the events of s3, the fact that she already feels done with them all) to make her death be tragic and satisfying, and to still wrap up everyone else's arcs and the story as a whole

- her finding a way to accept and love her Umbrella family instead of constantly trying to distance herself from them, and learning to balance the family of herself, Ray, and Claire, with her family within the Umbrellas feels like it would be more satisfying for her than sacrificing herself to save the Umbrellas / the world

- could she still end up sacrificing herself to save Ray/Claire, and that in turn leads to someone else dying? yes, absolutely! or something happens to Claire and she no longers cares about living because she can't lose her daughter again? also yes, but that feels a bit... too dark, even for tua

Klaus:

- i feel a little controversial, putting him so far down the list (he's still placed fourth out of eight, though), but the thing is - with his powers back, he is functionally immortal. at that point, the only way he's dying is if he chooses to die. which could still lead to a satisfying end!! the boy who was scared of the ghosts he saw, who became scared of dying, becoming the man who chooses to die? very tasty potential, there. contrasts very nicely with the fact that he kept bringing himself back to life without even realising

- buuuut, that would conflict with what we've heard so far about Klaus's storyline this season; Klaus becoming a scared-of-everything germaphobe, having to learn "how not to be scared of life", falling back into addiction, and learning new aspects of his powers. i don't really see how all of that would lean into a storyline of him accepting death, ya know? it's a lot to do, with not a lot of time to do it well

- i will say, though, that i do love the idea of him somehow finding Dave in the afterlife, and that being part of helping him to accept death - that he can be reunited with the love of his life (this falls apart, however, when you realise that Dave's actor isn't currently credited for any episodes on imdb. still doesn't mean that he won't be, but... makes it less likely)

Luther:

- i genuinely debated with myself about who gets third slot between Luther and Five, but ultimately decided on Luther (which i'll further explain during Five's section)

- Luther literally has no purpose outside of the Umbrella Academy. in s1, he was defined by his being the only 'true' remaining member of the Academy, and having been sent to the moon for a seemingly pointless mission (and even though we now know that he was sent there to protect Abigail - she's alive now, so that doesn't really need revisting). s2 also had him at a loose end - he was fighting simply because that's all he thought he was good at, he tried to give his relationship with Allison another go once he realised she was alive, only for it to turn out that she's married, and then he was a (frankly, terrible) spotter for Five during the paradox psychosis fiasco. s3 literally had him get kidnapped by the Sparrows without anyone really noticing, and although he did eventual fall in love and gett married to Sloane, she vanished with the resetting of the universe. Sloane, incidentally, also doesn't have her actor listed on imdb as returning for s4

- he doesn't really have a multi-season arc to finish off; in fact, the only consistent facet of his personality is his desire to protect his family and 'do the right thing', whatever that might be

- i feel like for him, a good arc to send him on would be him becoming comfortable in his gorilla-body and maturing into the confident leader that would be expected of a "Number One". but, given the way his character has evolved (or devolved) through the series so far, i don't really see them doing that

- in fact, i think it's much more likely that they kill him simply because they don't know what else to do with him. which, ya know, kind of sucks

- HOWEVER, i do think there is good potential in having the first major leader-like decision that Luther makes - free from the influence of others - being to sacrifice himself to save his family. the one time he stands up and says "no, i've made my decision, and it's time for you all to respect that" while also tying it back to his overwhelming desire to love and protect his family? oh yeah, that'd be some good shit right there

Five:

- my god please just let the old man rest

- so, i think Five is less likely to flat out die than Luther is, but i do think some kind of timeline fuckery is much more likely where Five is concerned

- considering what Adian has already said about Five's arc this season

- "He doesn’t know what his place is in the universe. When he goes on this emotional arc with Lila, for the first time, he feels there is a reason for living." - i honestly think killing him would be an incredibly shitty thing to do. having him finally, finally, find his place in the universe, after getting stuck in the apocalypse at THIRTEEN, where he finds his entire family dead, proceeds to then spend 40 years alone, trying to get back to his family, before being picked up by the Temps, turned into a killer, finally getting back to his family, only to end up stuck back in his teenage body AND having to deal with three weeks of constant apocalypses, to then kill him???? jesus christ that would SUCK. like, i'm aware i have bias because Five is one of my favourites and i think his arc has some insane narrative potential, but i cannot be the only one thinking that if they kill him after all of that it's just going to leave a bitter taste?

- THAT SAID!! that said, i do think that it's likely that he would be the one that ends up getting erased from various timelines in order to save his family

- his whole thing has been about getting back to his family to save them from the apocalypse - to have him find his ultimate purpose being to do exactly that? it makes sense!

- in erasing himself from this timeline in order to save it, his purpose also then becomes founding the Temps Commission, with the intention of preserving the new main timeline that he literally 'died' to create and protect (and considering that they technically exist outside of the timeline, who is to say this isn't all part of Commission Founder Five's master plan anyway? hell, given that the Commission resides in the year 1955, he can go play guitar with Marty McFly and bitch about the perils of time travel while he's there)

- it would also solve the awkward elephant in the room; the fact that as of s4 he looks 18 but is actually in his 60s. he can erase himself from the main timeline, putting himself back into his old man body, and retire in peace knowing he's successfully saved his family and given them a future by also saving the world

- it's so deliciously tragic

Ben:

- oh god okay here we go

- i adore Ben and don't really want him to die, but i'd be lying if i said that his death wouldn't be incredibly satisfying, in the way only a true tragedy can be

- we all know this season is going to be focused on him and how he is going to be the one to cause the apocalypse this time, so it ending with him would make sense

- Blackman (the showrunner) has also said that he "wanted to come full circle with the family relationship". what is the FIRST thing we know about Ben? he's dead

- for the first two seasons, he haunts the narrative in a literal sense by being a ghost that only Klaus can see and so still sort of interacting with things, but considering we don't yet know what the Jennifer Incident is and how it actually affected the Umbrellas moving forwards, it could turn out that he has also been actually haunting the narrative - he's dead but so much has been driven by the nature of his death

- i also just really love the idea that the first thing we learn about Ben is that he's dead, and that also ends up being the last thing we learn about him

- taking it a step further, given that the Ben in the recap was definitely Sparrow Ben, it would be disgustingly, delightfully tragic for the final fate of Sparrow Ben to be the same as that of Umbrella Ben - that nothing any of them did actually mattered, because in the end, Ben was always going to die (can you tell i like a good tragedy)

- also, going far too deep into it (to the point that this isn't so much evidence that Ben is the most likely to die, but just a nice little tie in), parts of Ben's arc very much tie into the narrative of The Black Parade. you know, the MCR album that the song they used in the official trailer came from. The Black Parade, as an album, opens with a funeral song (just like the show opened with a funeral) and then continues to go over The Patient's life after death, the experiences from the afterlife, and even reflecting back on his life. quite fitting for Ben, in a way

- ANYWAY! Sparrow Ben also spent a good chunk of his time in s3 desperately wanting to be part of the Umbrellas, but having no idea how to go about it. the thought of him sharing the fate of Umbrella Ben and therefore becoming just like him, becoming Umbrella Ben? poetic

- there is also my sort-of half-theory, that the reason Ben is being overloaded with the Marigold is that he's actually somehow channeling both versions of Ben, so has twice the amount he should have, thereby destabilising him in some way, and one of the Bens needs to die. but, that doesn't really tie into Jennifer in any way, because that wouldn't have happened in the original/main timeline

- Ben is also the only character to have actually existed as multiple versions of himself in the two timelines - again, it is a perfect tragedy for him to die in both of them. maybe this time they save him from the Jennifer Incident, only for him to choose to sacrifice himself to save them all. ergo, it didn't matter, it didn't matter, he was always going to die

- i really like a well executed tragedy, okay? i also feel like it's one of the few satisfying ways to successfully kill off a character. still hurts like a bitch, but at least it was worth something

~

okay well, this got sufficiently away from me! kudos to you if you read the whole way through, and i do not blame you in the slightest if you skipped through lmao i also probably missed a few things, and maybe got a few things wrong so uh, whoops on that

tl;dr: probably won't die: Diego, Lila unlikely to die, but possible: Allison, Viktor wouldn't surprise me if they died: Klaus, Luther probably won't die, but might end up erased from the main timeline: Five most likely to die (and would be beautifully tragic): Ben

again again - purely my opinion!! and also what i'd like to see, based on what i personally feel can make a good narrative!

good luck for the 8th brellies <3

[dragonitepaw]

Hi! I love your super paper Mario AU, could you tell us more about it?

Waaaah Im glad you like it 🥹 i havent got too much on it as of right now but I have plans to develop it more once ive finished my uni project !!

as right now though here are some of the details/character roles:

Mario - Kirby Luigi - Bandee Bowser - Dedede Peach - either Tiff/Fumu (from the anime) or potentially Adeleine I haven't decided on that yet, originally i went straight for Fumu but i got a comment saying Adeleine would be a great fit too !! it all depends on whether i wanna include anime characters or not

Count Bleck - Meta Knight Tippi/Timpani - Galacta Knight (its their love story bc metagala forever 🫶) Nastasia - Sailor Dee O'chunks - Mace Knight Mimi - Javelin (the other meta-knights would be present too but have less of a role in the story as those 3)

Dimentio - Marx ^^^ originally i was gonna have vul as dimentio as i wanted all of count bleck's minions to be the meta-knights, but it also makes sense for the one non meta-knight character to be the one to betray them and marx just fits perfectly thematically >:)

as a little extra Merlon would be Morpho Knight which is my explanation for why Galacta Knight appears as a pixl butterfly, Morpho having the butterfly motif is my justification for the sense around galacta being their own butterfly that isnt just the morpho butterfly :)

okay now with characters done with,, the general narrative is the same destroying the world after galacta/tippi is "gone" but more fit around the ancients and heroes of yore lore being the driving point for meta and galacta meeting and forming a bond which then leads to the events of the game:

Meta's family (the tribe of darkness) were responsible for trying to end the world before using the dark prophecy (to make their own world and have the power to govern it) - meta being younger at this time had no say in what happened, Nightmare is the head of the family and the one who attempting to end the world (but thats not too important as nightmare plays no role in the main story anyways its just context).

The heroes of Yore (which includes Galacta as the hero of heart going off of my own personal hcs) were the ones to stop the family and strike some sort of deal that prevented them from using the dark prognosticus, saying if they were to try such a thing again then the heroes would be less merciful and banish the entire tribe away, knowing the heroes were more than powerful enough to live up to their threat the nightmare gave in, and the dark prognosticus was hidden away by the heroes to prevent the dark prophecy from being initiated once again.

Years down the line (much like in the original story) meta ends up getting injured and galacta comes across him, nursing him back to health. Meta didnt know about the heroes of yore and their threat to the family so wasnt aware of who galacta was, vice verca with galacta they werent aware meta was part of the tribe of darkness at the time. the two bond and eventually fall in love <3

Eventually nightmare finds out about and becomes enraged about his son and the enemy in such a relationship. He scolds meta and tells him not to go near Galacta again as the heroes 'ruined everything for them' and 'befriending them will only ever bring trouble to their family' in attempt to protect his son from them. however, meta doesn't listen as he's head over heels in love with Galacta at this point. In retaliation, Nightmare uses all of his magic to produce a strong spell to seal Galacta away in a crystal, in a far off dimension so Galacta and meta cannot meet again, as a way of protecting Meta and stopping any trouble from coming to their family.

Like in the original, Meta becomes devastated but enraged by the loss of Galacta, thinking they're dead and not seeing worth in a world without them. finding minions through the meta-knights and tracking down the dark prognosticus, Meta decides to bring about the dark prophecy and spawn the void, starting the beginning of the end.

Morpho comes across the crystal with galacta sealed within it. The amount of power needed to unseal them is a lot, and so Morpho not being powerful enough by themself, inwardly uses galactas life force alongside their own magical ability to unseal them, though this results in galacta becoming very weak and in order to save them, Morpho turns them into a pixl, and like tippi in the original story galacta loses all memory of who they were before being a pixl.

--

thats the main stuff i have for now which when looking over it,, is quite a bit 😅 there are still some aspects i need to adjust/change, the main one being the formation of the chaos heart bc if i have tiff/adeleine in peach's role i am not having them get forcefully married to king dedede 💀 for obvious reasons

^^ my initial thoughts are just having the chaos heart form from meta's pain and emotions, we will see i will be developing and thinking about it more once i have the free time :)

Thank you for the ask and I hope this was interesting to read :00

[timextoxhajima]

Sonder: Part I

Parts: I II III IV V

member: enhypen heeseung! x oc! woo ki yeom [3rd person pov]

genre: coming of age, slice of life, angst, romance

w/c: 5k

warnings: topics on religion, distressed relationships, mental health (I want to leave an a/n here that I grew up with my maternal family being Buddhists so what I've written is based off what I researched online and the way her family practised Buddhism. I'm personally a free-tinker and this narrative is not in any way meant to offend nor support any particular religion.)

synopsis: after being kicked out of her home, Woo Ki Yeom is forced to live life on her own. struggling to find herself in the midst of her chaotic life, she meets lee heeseung, who, like her, can't give any more fucks to life than she does.

"n. the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own."

That word. That keeps coming out on Instagram pages and TikTok videos.

It's a strange feeling to know that everybody else in here was living their own lives. Maybe they were going through a breakup, or someone in their family had just passed away. Perhaps their pet ran from home or a trip just got cancelled because their travel buddy fell sick.

It's fascinating at first - but you get bored by it after some time. And even if you didn't, Woo Ki Yeom did.

It's not like it was difficult to figure out how to vacuum your room or do your own hair. Nor was it difficult to figure out how this washing machine operated, though Ki Yeom must admit that it took her a couple of minutes to get it down. But now, all she does is give it a good smack to the side when it doesn't start up.

"wo gen ni jiang (I'm telling you), one day you're going to smack it until it's spoilt!" The owner of the laundromat nags from the payment counter. He's a man in his 50s - Ki Yeom likes to think Mr Hsien is an alternate-dimension version of Eve from the film, Everything, Everywhere, All At Once. He clearly hates this life, and the only time Ki Yeom has seen his wife was when he was sick and couldn't run the place himself.

Mrs Hsien is just about ten times sweeter than he is - which Ki Yeom recalls - she didn't respond that well to.

She must think Ki Yeom is an asshole.

Then again, Ki Yeom knows for a fact that she is one.

"Then you'll finally come around to your senses and get it changed. I just found a coin from the 1930s the other day in my load."

"Do you know change washing machine how expensive?" Mr Hsien rambles on, looking through his glasses that were so far down his nose bridge, Ki Yeom thinks it might just slide right off. In his hands were dollar bills. "shi yi ge yue de qian (It's a month's worth of money)! From everybody that comes here."

She doesn't bother responding - no need to, unless she wants to start a debate.

"All day gloomy," Mr Hsien mumbles under his breath. She dumps herself in the row of chairs right out the door as he aligns the dollar bills and goes to unlock the door. "My wife say gloomy not good. tai duo yin (too much yin)."

His voice is slightly muffled, since his entire body is hidden behind the counter as he hides his money. After a few moments, his hand comes to grip the edge of the counter as he pulls himself up to stand, then he takes a deep breath and sighs as if it took him a bountiful amount of energy to get up. But he looks outwards at Ki Yeom and wiggles a finger at her.

"Are you listening to me?" He shakes his head, processing Ki Yeom just looking down at her phone.

Yes.

"You know, Chinese people always think young people who don't respond are very rude. If you were my daughter, wo yi jing hui ma si ni ah (I would've already scolded you to death)."

He grumbles as he pushes himself out the little door by his counter and waddles for the storage door.

"You shout for me if anything weird happen outside. I'm going to da bian (poop)."

Ki Yeom connects the bluetooth headphones to her phone and adjusts it over her head as the door swings shut.

It was a quiet Wednesday night.

Ki Yeom liked to do her laundry in the middle of the week because there aren't many people around, and she didn't have to wait for strangers to come clear the washing machines before she could use them. She didn't have to talk to strangers - which came as a surprise to her when she first moved here. She never understood why people would just randomly strike up conversations.

What was the point of knowing so much about someone's life when you're probably never going to see this person again?

But it's ironic that Ki Yeom has found comfort in a familiar place, enough to fall asleep. Even if Mr Hsien were to walk right out that storage door and finds her nodding off in her awkward sitting upright position, she knew he wouldn't wake her up. She knows, because it's not the first time she's passed out from a day's work.

Sometimes, Ki Yeom gets her inspiration from her dreams. One would be surprised how much she dreamt - because that meant that she could wake up feeling like she never slept. At some point, Ki Yeom was convinced that she was part of a cult by blood, because strange symbols, shapes, and creatures kept appearing in her dreams. She would draw them out and then go to the library to find anything on them, but to no avail.

Sometimes she blames this on her family.

But this 'gift' does her well at work, especially when the clientele of the tattoo parlour she works at are avid fans of the rare and uncommon.

Because of the number of clients who have grown fond of her artistry, she's been requested more than the average tattoo artist at the parlour she works at. Ki Yeom had been advised not to bite off more than she can chew, but it's not like she has any financial help or alot of money in the first place, so why not?

At least, not after she was kicked out of her own home.

In her busiest week, she spent four nights sleeping in the parlour, and had licorice and coffee for breakfast, a chicken salad for lunch and instant noodles for dinner on one of those days. And that wasn't even the worst meal combination she's had.

Some of her colleagues are kind - the ones who leave her blankets and buy her coffee and bread in the morning when they clock in. Others? Not so much.

"Too young." "Inexperienced." "Greedy." "Hard-up."

She's heard those too many times to feel a thing. It's also because she knows they're true. But it's not her fault she's greedy.

What's wrong with it?

Greed usually comes hand-in-hand with desperation, even if it weren't for a good cause. Greed comes with knowing how it feels when you lack something. Ki Yeom's greed stems from her lack of money, and is that her fault?

No.

She finally jerks awake from her evening nap when a loud thud manages to get past her headphones. Blurry vision still taking some time to clear, she's able to make out Mr Hsien frantically grabbing a rag and cleaning off the counter top. Tea was dripping off the edge.

Just by the movement of his mouth, she can tell he's rambling off about being such a clumsy old man.

She sits up and stretches her neck, feeling the ache when she pulls it the opposite way she was dosing off in. A slight frown, and then in the corner of her eye, she notices someone had taken a seat on the other end of the five-seater row of seats.

It was someone probably her age, maybe younger. But she returns her attention to Mr Hsien finishing the rest of his tea and walking round the counter, grabbing some dry tissues to clean up the remaining on the floor.

Then she catches the stranger glancing in her direction, as if wanting to say something - and then she realises that her music isn't playing. 

She fumbles her lap for her phone, then finds it on the floor right under the seat. The stranger seems to sit with ease now that she's picked it up. She almost finds it embarrassing when she tries to reconnect her bluetooth, but is interrupted by the washing machine she was using finally beeping to indicate that it was done. 

Ki Yeom clears her throat and gets up to the washing machine, yanking the worn-out door open. Gathering the damp clothes in her arms she tosses it into a dryer. She instinctively feels around her pockets to find the token she had paid in exchange for it, but her mood is slightly ruined when she can't find it. 

Mr Hsien is no longer in the counter, so she assumes he had gone to the back, berating himself for being clumsy, so she looks around the floor. Perhaps she might find a stray one sitting somewhere. 

She returns to the dryer, defeated. No, actually, she's too tired to be annoyed. Sliding the headphones off her head, Ki Yeom sighs to herself and rolls her eyes. 

But a soft 'tick' rings quickly across the surface of the dryer, and she looks up to see the stranger turning his back on her. The token sits on the white-turned-grey surface of the dryer next to the one she was throwing her mental tantrum at. 

Ki Yeom builds up the care to speak.

"It's fine but I'll just wait for him to come back out." 

He sits anyway, leaning back coyly and looking at her with a lack of expression. "I'm trying to collect karma points, so don't take it personally. Maybe another day if we see each other."

As if I'm going to see you another day. 

But Ki Yeom is not someone who rejects something when she needs it. 

"Thanks," The word is almost reluctant to come out. Without hesitation, she chucks it into the coin slit of the dryer and it tumbles down into a bed of tokens. She hunches over the dryer and jabs the buttons - sometimes they don't work very well either.

Ki Yeom hadn't always been like this. In fact, she was one of those kids who could plug in her earpieces over dinner and watch her favourite shows and her parents wouldn't say anything about it, because she knew to take them out when the food came.

Sometimes, her parents would join in on the fun of watching whatever show it was she was watching.

But what truly set her family apart from the average family was that her parents were devoted Buddhists. Karma, Liberation, Meditation... Honestly, Ki Yeom never understood what it truly meant until she hit her teenage years, and even then, her understanding of it didn't last very long.

It was a unique, and an admittable forceful, way of which Ki Yeom fell out with her family. As individuals who believed so much in karma, they had the tradition of donating large sums of money to the temple they frequented. They went vegetarian, prayed, kept a kind heart to whomever it was they met - and then her father was left jobless when the company he was working for got involved in an embezzling scandal.

Ki Yeom, at the age of sixteen, had witnessed her father go from the proud family man he was, to someone who stayed in bed all day, afraid to go out, in fear that he would have to open his empty wallet.

The anxiety became crippling and her father had developed depression upon the rippling news that he couldn't be accepted into other jobs because of his niche and limited experience and that he was too old.

At sixteen, when you've spent most of your life trying to understand and believe the ways of which your family has led their lives by, you'd be confused. Why was this happening? Have we not done enough?

What was once a home filled with laughter, comfort and encouragement, turned into a home that scrimped and saved every penny - even spending some nights without any electricity and relying purely on candles.

There was a gradual build-up of resentment on Ki Yeom's heart.

She had gone three years living off the meagre five dollars a day - and when you're in school with friends who find going to Starbucks and getting bubble tea an enjoyable past time, it's difficult. Even if they were understanding and chose not to go to either of those options, it was inevitable that Ki Yeom felt like it was her fault they couldn't go.

Just where in the world did all that money go? All the good karma points they were trying to accumulate? What happened to my God?

Ki Yeom had just graduated from pre-u. She wonders how she even managed to graduate, in the midst of all that falling apart at home, when it happened.

She had reached home after a day's work at the restaurant. As a waitress, she's grown numb to all the ridiculous comments and issues that customers bring up to her, if she were even paying attention.

So, all Ki Yeom wished was for a quiet dinner, a quiet evening and a quiet night to herself. She could crawl in bed and hug her pillows and scroll on her phone until she passed out, and then her day would start from scratch again.

But upon reaching home, she's not given enough time to respond - Especially when the things in her room seemed to be in the midst of removal. By strangers.

"What's going on?"

Her mother follows them out of the room as the movers trudge past her - and out of the house. "Ki, I'm sorry, we'll have to make do-"

"With... what? The floor?"

"You know how hard it's been, we just had to do this for the extra cash."

"How long is this 'cash' going to last us?" Ki Yeom puts her tote down, pushing past her mother and looking into the room. What used to be a cozy room with a bed, a desk, a standing lamp and even a beanbag was now a mattress, a makeshift table and a table lamp.

Ki Yeom turns around, at a complete loss of words. "You literally sold my room."

The elder stands, facing the door because she cannot face her daughter.

Ki Yeom gulps, feeling this intense heat coming up from within her. It feels like she's about to cry, but also wants to vomit and scream at the same time. "How much is selling my room going to make?"

"Ki-"

"How. Much?"

A pause. There's some knocking and rustling outside as they wrap the furniture in bubble wrap. Someone yells at someone else to hand her the money.

"Enough for a couple of weeks."

Ki Yeom sighs heavily, not knowing she was even holding her breath. Then, she coughs and almost hyperventilates. A scoff. Then, a strangled growl, like she was about to throw herself out the window, and the tears start to clog her eyesight.

She watches as her mother receives the thin stack of fifty dollar bills, and the man doesn't give them one last look before leaving.

There's a painful silence in the house when Ki Yeom squats. And when her feet become numb, she drops to the floor with her back hitting the wall.

"I'm sorry, Ki," Her mother turns and sniffles, shoving the fifty dollar bills into her backpocket. She squats, trying to look at Ki Yeom. But her daughter's head is hung low, for she has taken her final sanctuary.

"I don't understand... how this was an option. I'm working. And aren't you and dad trying to find jobs? Aren't you working?"

"I know... and we are... we just... we have nothing."

"What about grandpa? Hasn't he offered to help? At this stage... you want me to believe he hasn't offered any type of help?"

Her mother goes quiet, only taking a deep breath and sitting on her rear as well.

"What? What does that mean?" Ki Yeom frowns, tears finally dribbling down her cheeks as she struggles to understand. "Is he so heartless... that he cannot give us some to get by until something... better comes along?"

"Ki, we've been like this for years..."

"Which makes me wonder why he hasn't helped?"

Silence.

Ki Yeom frowns. "Does he even know?"

Her mother looks up at her through disheveled hair.

"How could he not know?"

"Ki, he knows. We just... you know the rules we live by."

Ki Yeom audibly gasps and chokes in horror. Her stomach drops in disbelief. "Rules? We are sleeping on the floor, our lights are candles and the table lamps are on the floor... we eat instant food two out of three meals and you're telling me... that out of filial piety... you did not accept his help?!"

Silence.

There's an eerie quietness in the home. Of course, atop the screaming in Ki Yeom's head and the traffic outside her home. Her vision is blurring from the tears, but she looks around her dark home, once brightly lit, and her vision ends on the orange-red glow eminating from the altar right next to the front door of her house. It's wide open, so the wind coming through was making the little flames on the candles flicker.

It's been untouched, only routinely cleaned and the oils thrown and replaced. Ki Yeom clenches her jaw, trying for a moment to resist the urge.

But to everyone's devastating shock and surprice, Ki Yeom harshly swipes her entire arm across the reachable counter top, spilling the cups of oil holding the candles and the incense sticks out of their packets.

Her mother quite literally screams and rushes over, yanking her away from the mess.

Smack!

The ringing is sharp in Ki Yeom's right ear as she processses the sting on her cheek, jaw and head. In the corner of her eye, she can see her mother is more surprised than she was. But this surprise is quickly replaced with anger and intense disapproval, so much to the point that her mother pushes past her and squats to pick up the items.

Ki Yeom's heart shatters.

She gulps, thinking if she should help. But her mother shoves her off, as if scared to be touched by her.

"Mom."

The clatter on the floor is gentle and quiet, and her mother is careful not to touch any of the shattered glass. Ki Yeom grimly squats by her and reaches for it, but rejection shoves her backwards on her rear when her mother pushes her away. She loses her balance and falls backwards, hands on the floor and her tears dribbling down her cheek.

Her mother's face is like rock - expressionless, tired. Helpless. Speechless.

Ki Yeom's face was starting to burn up.

"Mom-"

"Get out," She stops her cleaning and stares at the floor.

Honk.

"What?"

"You want so badly to do things your own way... and cannot agree with what we believe in... so pack your things and get out."

She resumes her cleaning up, taking the smaller, shattered pieces and placing them on the altar. While Ki Yeom remains on the floor, her mother squats, picks up whatever her hands can carry, and returns them to the altar. Again, and again.

"Mom, I- Please. How can you live like this?!"

The weight in Ki Yeom's knees start to shake her thighs when she kneels, dragging herself to her mother's feet. She hangs her head low, vision blurry and her head in a whirl. "We prayed to a God for years... my entire life... and we believed in everything we studied... Why were we not returned with the karma we always thought we've been collecting? Why did we pray and pray and yet nothing came along to help?"

Ki Yeom looks up, hair in her mouth and in her eyes as she manages to make out her mother placing the shattered cups back into position.

"Do not speak of Him that way," She whispers under her breath, opening a drawer and pulling out a lighter for the incense sticks. "He is always watching us... and He will help when the time is right."

Ki Yeom finally breaks apart in her own demeanour, sobbing and releasing her mother's clothes.

How can she choose a God, a deity... over her own daughter?

Her mother bows thrice, and sticks the incense stick in the incense pot. "I didn't sell your luggage. You can use that."

Ki Yeom looks up from the floor again, in disbelief those exact words came out of her mouth.

"I expect you gone by tomorrow morning," She turns and walks away, but stops and turns around for a second. "Nobody in my house will disrespect Him."

Ki Yeom had completely blocked out whatever her client was talking about - something to do with work. Her colleagues. Ki Yeom couldn't give any more fucks.

But she sits up to stretch her neck and back and notices in the reflection in one of the mirrors in her workspace a familiar back and a bald head.

She finishes up quickly, not bothering to acknowledge anything that her client has said. "Jun Yeol, can you help me tape her? I- yeah."

Instantly, the pink-haired boy turns around to look out the window. "Go. I got it from here."

"Chargeable list is on my desk. Thanks."

The bell on the door rings as she pushes her way out. She sucks in a deep breath, thinking of what to say again when their eyes finally meet. But out comes a rude and unnecessary: "What are you doing here? I told you not to look for me here."

For a moment, she feels bad. But her grandfather's retort is a reminder that she inherited her attitude from someone.

"I go wherever I want to!" He struggles to get up from the chair they've placed outside the tattoo shop for when there was a queue.

"Sit down!" Ki Yeom rushes over and pushes him back down by his shoulders, making sure to take a seat next to him so he didn't need to stand up again.

"I figured out how to make your mum's soup. The melon wolfberry one."

Ki Yeom looks down as he hands her the cotton bag that perfectly fits a thermal flask.

"You don't like cooking."

"I don't. It gets everywhere and there's a ton of pots and bowls and spoons to wash."

He shoves it into her lap, and huffs while wiping the sweat off his forehead.

"Let me call you a cab."

"Cabs are expensive, don't you dare."

"I'd rather have someone send you home safe than have you pass out on the way back."

"And if I'm destined to die today, I will pass out anyway, won't I?"

The harshness and brutality of his words summon a glare from her. She wants to berate him for being so careless with his thoughts - afterall, she did grow up around the theory of manifestation of karma. And she knows for a fact her grumpy old grandfather might not have that much good karma left.

"Are you earning enough? For yourself? For your rent?"

She sighs and hugs the thermal flask to her stomach. The doorbell rings and her client walks out, turning to say thanks and goodbye.

"I'm fine. Don't worry about me."

"Is it safe? Where you're staying?"

"We've been through this. There's a security guard on the first floor and you can't go up without a keycard."

"People out there nowadays are terrifying, have you seen? All these gadgets and hidden cameras!"

"I know, I know, but the estate is safe. Don't worry about me," Ki Yeom rubs her eye. Both of them go quiet for a minute. She's listening to the grumble of the asphalt as the cars go by, and she knows her grandfather is thinking about the other questions he had prepared before coming out to meet her. 

"If you're wondering whether they've reached out... they haven't. And I'm not planning on doing it first."

"I didn't ask you to, and I know you wouldn't."

They go silent once more, but the silence is broken by the bell hanging on the front door of the tattoo parlour. 

"Ki, a client called and said she's on the way but she's early for an appointment."

She looks down at her phone for the time. "Yeah, she's supposed come in at 4pm."

"Aight, call me if you need anything," Soo Min smiles at the elderly man, who seems awkward when he tries to return the acknowledgement. The bell rings again when she returns back into the parlour.

"Thanks," Ki Yeom waits for her to go back in before she smiles to herself. "You can just say 'hi'. She's a nice person."

"Her short hair scares me abit. Reminds me of the gangsters and hooligans that run around on the street and in back alleys back in my time," He pauses, realising Ki Yeom's disapproving looks. He clears his throat. "Do the people here treat you well? The last time you told me some of them aren't fond of you."

"Well, it's still the same. It's not like I'm going to try and change their minds about me. I earn my share and they earn theirs."

Grandfather nods and hums in acknowledgement. "You know... sometimes I think you're meant to come out and live your life on your own. I believe you were made for the streets - in a good way - and that you learn and meet so many new people outside of a comfort zone. It's something that the rich and wealthy don't get to have."

There's a gentle gush of wind that rushes through the corridor. The rows of shop along this road were in their not-so-busy afternoon period, but Ki Yeom could still make out that barista who got her order wrong a couple of days ago cleaning up the table along the corridor. And that hair stylist who supposedly cut someone's hair too short and almost got sued.

"Right," She responds first. "But I wasn't given a choice. Would've loved to have one."

Ki Yeom turns back to look at her grandfather. His wrinkles have gotten deeper, longer. She knows he won't be around much longer to be the parent that she lost. Unlocking her phone, she opens the taxi cab.

"Oi!"

Since her 4pm client had come early and Ki Yeom had gotten the job done early, she'd decided that she no longer had the mental capacity to stay anymore - besides, she works on appointment-only basis now anyway.

So amidst all the skanky, judgy looks she gets from the other tattoo artists who don't get as many requests as she does, she bids Jun Yeol and Soo Min goodbye. The evening sun greets her as the evening crowd begins to fill the surrounding cafes, coffee shops and other places that people go to.

She walks by the coffee cafe, and catches the eye of that barista who fucked up her order. She waves.

The barista, of course.

But Ki Yeom feels obligated to at least offer a smile, so she does, and proceeds on her way.

Finally in the comfort of her home, she drops her bag and opens her fridge, eyeing the half-eaten packet of frozen dumplings, miso paste and frozen udon. Ever since she's moved out, she had the freedom to test out whatever stupid recipes TikTok and Instagram had to offer that required three ingredients.

Well, provided she had the equipment - which was a pot, a pan, a mini rice cooker and an air-fryer that the tattoo parlour wanted to get rid of. Honestly, she hasn't used it because she's been afraid it would explode if she did, but it just seemed like a waste if she let them throw it away.

She prepares the miso soup while waiting for the dumplings and udon to defrost first - then the unusual happens.

Knock knock.

Ki Yeom frowns to herself, and mentally checks through all the bills and finances she has to settle. Rent? Not due in another three weeks. Credit card? Haven't touched it. Delivery? Haven't ordered anything.

Knock knock knock.

She turns the stove off and goes for the door, looking through the peephole.

It's the kid from the laundromat.

Perhaps he came to even out the debt.

Ki Yeom opens the door.

"Oh," He seems surprised. "It's you."

"If you're here for the token, I don't have any extra to return. I can pay you a couple of cents or a dollar for it if you're insistent."

"Uh," Gently shaking his head, he simply lifts a hand, and in it, there was an envelope. "This came in my mail. I think they wrote the address wrongly."

She looks at the envelope, and sees her name but with the unit 07-33 instead of hers, 07-38.

"I figured eight just seemed the most similar to three, so. Are you... Woo Ki Yeom?"

"Yeah, thanks," She blinks and reaches out for it.

"Mail's not that common nowadays," He nods towards the envelope. "They don't have your number or email?"

There's an attempt to chuckle, or make a joke. But Ki Yeom doesn't bother responding, only tearing it open and pulling the letter out.

"Yeah, they don't have my number or my email."

The boy clears his throat out of awkwardness. "Oh."

Ki Yeom straightens out the letter right infront of him. As much as she wants to forget that her parents ever existed, she knows she can't. She's been trying - which is why she changed her emails, her phone number, and didn't provide their names to the building's management for "allowed visitors".

Futile efforts - that's what they were. She might be able to change the way she thought but her heart can't forget. Her father used to tell her that the heart always knows what's right, but what he didn't tell her was how to deal with it when she doesn't want to.

Dear Ki,

I'm writing to share that I've gotten a job.

Instantly, she folds the letter back up and shoves it back in the envelope. Her blood boils.

Why did it matter if her father got a job now? It doesn't change what her mother said to her or what happened. It doesn't change-

"Um. You... alright?"

Ki Yeom looks up, remembering that this stranger was still infront of her. Vision blur, she clears her throat and shoves the letter back in his hands.

"It's not mine."

He looks down at the shredded envelope and haphazardly-returned letter. Her eyes are red, so he's not dumb enough to believe it's not hers.

"Are... you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure," Ki Yeom closes her eyes and rubs them over her lids. "Sorry, I was just busy making dinner. I have to go."

"Right," He clutches the envelope to his side and nods subtly.

With pursed lips, she looks at him one more time for acknowledgement. He's quiet, and careful, as he takes a step back and turns to leave. Ki Yeom gently swings the door shut, feeling her nose sour all over again.

Sucking in a deep breath, she looks over in her mini kitchen and stares at the slightly-cooled soup sittin on the stove. Then her eyes travel over to where she had dumped her bag, and remembers the thermal flask.

She walks over to it and picks it up, opening it and carefully sipping the warm soup.

PART II

[literary-illuminati]

2024 Book Review #68 – Saga, Book 2 by Brian K. Vaughn and Fiona Staples

I first read Saga a lifetime (decade) ago, when I was in university and it was releasing monthly. Then it went on a 4 year hiatus and I assumed it was just dead until learning it had actually started releasing again several volumes ago. So, needing a new comic, I’m slowly working myself back up to where I life off. Book 2 remains much the same as book one – incredibly high concept, shamelessly vulgar and obscene, generally incredibly well-written and drawn, and increasingly heartbreaking as the story goes on.

The story continues to follow star-crossed lovers and science-fantasy-race-war deserters Marko and Alana and their increasingly-more-of-a-character daughter Hazel as they try to make a life for themselves in a galaxy chock full of people who want (at best) to put a bullet in their brains and toss them in an unmarked grave for reasons both political and personal. It also follows a whole constellation of just those people as they get hunt down the family, are forced by circumstances to work alongside them for a time, and every so often just shoot off for an arc or two of their own entirely tangential drama.

In particular, this book follows Marko and Alana finding a few years of domestic bliss raising Hazel under assumed identities while Alana makes a career as a trashy soap opera star, followed by a significantly larger number of years where at least one of them or Hazel is at any point being held hostage or imprisoned or just missing and trying to reunite is an all-consuming desperate quest. The supporting cast just continues to balloon around them (and around Gwendolyn and Sophie, and Sir (formerly Prince) Robot IV), to the degree that it’s really quite impressive the story manages to keep a senses of momentum and at least convincingly pretends to know what it’s doing with all of them.

The skill at introducing memorable new characters and making them instantly seem like sympathetic, compelling, or downright vital parts of the narrative is one of the book’s best tricks. Especially since it gives so many options of characters the reader has grown attached to but the narrative doesn’t really need when it’s time to make a point (The Brand especially had a spot in my memory of the series massively in excess of the number of issues she actually showed up for).

Unlike a truly heartbreaking number of books (shows, games, campfire stories, dance sequences) it also doesn’t flinch when it comes to making characters the audience has plenty of cues to like all fucking hate each other (both in the ‘constantly bickering and insulting each other’ way and in the ‘several legitimate murder attempts’ way). This is a rare treat, and one I give Saga a lot of goodwill for.

Hatred looms quite large in these volumes really. On the macro level, the universe is torn apart by a war without beginning or end, every atrocity avenging the last and justifying the next; on the micro, more characters than I can count throw everything really good about their lives onto the pyre of vengeance or vendetta. Attempts at reconciliation for anything are rare, and even then true forgiveness or understanding is less common than grudging toleration or cooperation at (metaphorical or literal) gunpoint to deal with something they both hate even more. So dramatized, it manages to make Hazel’s misfit little family’s (families’, really, she has a habit of finding or making them) ability to forgive and support each other seem downright exceptional.

In addition to the whole lovingly nurtured national-racial hatreds ruining everything thing, this book gestures at class divisions and inequality in a much more determined way than the first few volumes. The robot royal family implies the existence of robot serfs whose children are dying of cholera from tainted water supplies, after all. It’s still not a text much concerned with speculative sociology, but the theme is repeated again and again – in the metropole the war is a legitimizing structure for an unequal society, a justification for the sacrifices demanded of the masses; among allies and proxies, loyal service to their patron is rewarded with the support needed to keep their own subjects in line.

We get much more of a sense of Landfall’s civilian society than Wreath’s (a bit surprisingly, since we have so many more characters from Wreath) and it’s a bit of an interesting cultural time capsule. The issues collected in this book came out during Obama’s second term, but the Coalition of Landfall is just incredibly Bush-era America (or a certain liberal cultural memory thereof, at least). It’s high technology opposed to Wreath’s magic, but we never much in the way of scientists or an ideology built around the dichotomy – it’s technology as crass consumerism and military industrial complex full of casually insincere religiosity, a society full of people performatively ‘supporting the troops’ while the poor and desperate are conned into signing on as spear-carriers for endless imperial wars and thrown out afterwards, crippled and traumatized, with a pat on the back and a discount card.

The book remains shockingly diverse for when it came out – checking release dates, I think this might be one of the first even vaguely mainstream things I ever read with a semi-major trans woman in them (one whose an actual character! Whose kind of a piece of shit about things orthogonal to gender!) - in a way which is simultaneously very thematically on-point and never feels like it’s trying to be an after-school special for the reader. Which really isn’t as rare as people sometimes act like it it, but is still always nice to see.

Speaking of diversity – this was clearly an immense labour of love of Staples, and that shines through in every bit of character design. Every different species is distinct in its own ways ranging from ‘flat noses and frilled ears’ to ‘constructs of elemental fire’, and it feels like there’s’ two or three new ones introduced in every crowd scene. The art’s only rarely striking enough to make we want a print or to just sit there and appreciate it for a minute, but it’s consistently clear, able to convey exactly the emotions it intends to, and often just incredibly funny – Staples is a master with expressions and body language.

The art (and the book in general) also just remains unrepentantly vulgar. Usually just in the sense of being totally unsentimental about showing nudity and sex whenever it feels like it makes sense to, sometimes – look there is in fact a giant splash panel of a dragon sucking his own dick. Which is actually quite well used (in the sense of setting up the most severe case of tonal whiplash I think I have ever suffered), but is very much a real thing that happens.

It’s not quite part of the text, but tangentially – the collection I’m reading has the letters section from the end of issue preserved and those are the sort of cultural time capsule that should be studied by future generations. They also just show a much more varied fanbase than I’d expect for a comic like this, really – the number of people reading it while serving prison sentences and the fact that enough active-duty soldiers and veterans answered the reader survey for Iraq and Afghanistan to be two of the most common answers to ‘what other countries have you visited’ are both things that make sense when I consider them but which I would not have guessed in a hundred years.

Anyway yes, if you like incredibly high concept, gleefully vulgar, science fantasy romance war stories that enjoy breaking your heart would 100% recommend. I am seriously considering seeing if they still sell lying cat plushies.

[transhawks]

sorry for the cringe ask pls ignore if you want but with these chapters of the todofam do yuo think it is like "wrong" to not see anything poetic/pretty/anything like that about the family and mostly touya and endeavor situation? ive seen all these texts (not here though) abt how touya loves his father and is a Liar™ while also ignoring most of what he went through and his feelings of anger and bitterness i mean... sure there is/was love behind the hurt but i feel like i read the story wrongly

Okay, let's break down your ask a bit because it's not that I think you read the story wrong, it's that there's a missing component that I see a lot of people miss when it comes to stories like this:

you can love your abuser.

you can love your abuser.

most of us love our abusers.

Now, and I think this is something I believe that uhh I've argued with my friends over - I don't know how much parents who abuse their kids "love" them. It's complicated and a case-by-case basis, but I want to say that often it's love for what they want the child to be, not the child themselves. I've said it a few times over the years: out of the all the Todoroki children, the only child that got Enji as an actual father from the start was Touya. Toddler Shouto is scared of him, Enji seemingly didn't interact much with Natsuo as a baby or toddler, maybe to avoid the issue he had with Touya. And, well, bluntly, Fuyumi was essentially a baby sister for Touya's sake. Add to that the Japanese tradition of male primogeniture, and you get a very, very strong reason for why Touya loves his father and hates him at the same time, especially since this is met with apathy from Enji's end (as Touya thinks). As @pikahlua said recently, the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. The actions and desperations of Todoroki Touya to be seen by the man he loves, no matter if the man in question doesn't deserve this adoration, are signs of a child yearning to be loved by his father, not ignored. Now, let's break down your ask: "Poetic/pretty"

Abuse isn't poetic or pretty. It's abuse. It's messy, and it creates rifts and broken, messy people who don't make sense and move through the world breaking things further. I know that's quite a harsh thing to say about other victims like this, but I'm not going to candy-coat it - victimhood is not virtuous. Being abused and victimized doesn't automatically make you good person or a better person, and you are not a better person for having struggled. In fact, honestly, trying to do good will be that much harder. And this is exactly why cycles of abuse are replicated.

Touya is both a liar and he isn't - because he's abused and that creates irrational feelings about the abuser and what happened. His lies are mostly to himself. That's how you get Touya maniacally making a video decrying all of hero society propping up abusers while trying to murder his younger brother in sheer jealousy that he wasn't abused the way he was.

I'm going to use the same words I use for Hawks: when are you people going to understand people who are fucked in the head are fucked in the head?

To me it makes sense that Touya has conflicting thoughts and feelings because people, especially mentally people who got there due to abuse, have conflicting thoughts and feelings. That's what you go to therapy to fix. (no one in BNHA goes to therapy) So, where does that leave you, anon? I think it's again about a greater question of what kind of stories you want to read. I will always agree we need more stories where child abuse victims walk away from their families and get to be happy about it. I get that the reconciliation stories like Encanto have their place, but for so long that's been such a big narrative in why people like me have to continue to have ties with people who hurt us. But BNHA isn't bucking that formula.

Horikoshi's own experiences and perspectives on abuse want wish fulfillment. And in his wishes, he wants the abuser to say sorry. Most abusers never get to where Enji has gotten. However, a good chunk of people don't want Enji to even say "I'm sorry" in the first place, and that's where I feel the story was just not written with them in mind. So, if you read the story wrong, it's because you wanted something different from it. You wanted a different type of narrative of abuse. Neither Horikoshi or you are wrong in wanting or writing this sort of story, it's just that the story is not for you. And accepting that will make you a happier person in the long run. Sometimes stories just aren't for you. I keep beating this like a dead horse; a large amount of the fandom, especially among my fellow villain-stans, didn't heed my warnings that the story wasn't going to end with what they wanted and they'd end up frustrated and angry at spending so much time for something that feels flat to them because they couldn't adjust their expectations. Lo and behold, it's too late now and now people are in their feelings about something they could have simply dropped or accepted. I'm sorry the story isn't for you and I hope you find a manga that suits you better in the future.

[llycaons]

:} i read pride & prejudice earlier this year (ADORED it.) and im about 2/3rds through emma. ive been slower to read this one for a bunch of personal & narrative reasons (the prose likes to show you that these ppl are a bit stupid by inserting a full page of diatribe sometimes) but its fascinating. i want to make more people read pride & prejudice

HI CJ :D pride and prejudice is like my number one romance book of all time I just LOVE it and this is coming from someone who doesn't like romances but it just makes me giggle and kick my feet and the ending is so so happy (with. exceptions lord poor lydia 😭) but I'm so excited for you what a wonderful discovery!!! like obviously it's a product of its time - emma is extremely socially conservative in ways I can't really overlook anymore in response to things like the french revolution to the extent where it rly impacts my enjoyment of it - but just as romances they're SO good. emma does have a lot of long tangents haha...it's incredibly well-written tho the language is just beautiful

personally I really love most of the other austen novels and I definitely recommend them too - sense and sensibility's one romance is extremely weird and creepy from a modern perspective, but I love the other one's restraint and tragedy and final burst of a happy ending at the end so much that I can overlook it. the loyalty to the theme was so impressive! northanger abbey is genuinely quite a funny parody of gothic novels with a fun and adventurous young heroine, tho I think the romance, while sweet, is one of the more generic and forgettable of austen's. persuasion is about an older woman whose looks have faded (27!) but the character arc of her and her love interest being reunited as settled and emotionally mature adults after being separated in their youth is SO satisfying...the characters are a little bit dull imo but the story itself is enthralling. (this is why I like persuasion AUs. theoretically. lmao)

meanwhile mansfield park is 800 pages of slogging prudishness and with almost no humor to break it up. she marries her first cousin. one of the women is presented as a scandalous ne'er-do-well because she likes riding horses. the family's wealth comes from a plantation in the caribbean. all of these books have some interaction with the ruling forces of british colonial empire (wentworth from persuasion is a naval officer) and most of the love interests are wealthy landowners, but mansfield park is the only one where the family literally owns slaves. it's a dreadful book and I hate it and I do not recommend it

but as a whole I do love so much of her work and I hope you enjoy it too!! there are a ton of adaptations too - my favorite for pride and prejudice is the bbc one but a lot of ppl like the movie too. I haven't seen many other adaptations but I do think the 2022 persuasion movie is really funny bc it's so utterly at odds with the actual story and characters of the book.

happy reading!!

[bonefall]

now these are bones opinions and ive only seen like 3 episodes of naruto before i got bored but i gotta say: it IS weird that the show puts SO much emphasis on naruto coming from nothing and then makes his dad like, the ninja-president cause it feels like naruto is only impoverished bc the narrative needs to LOOK like it's important that he's in poverty

Smarter, more Naruto-centric blogs have discussed this odd retcon than I, but Nonny... let me just give you a sampler of how weird the retcon was.

(ALL of this is a retcon btw. We learn nearly everything about Naruto's lineage in one fell swoop.)

We find out that Naruto is actually the son of Kushina Uzumaki and Minato Namikaze.

Kushina Uzumaki is one of the last known members of a super powerful bloodline who was renowed for being special vessels of "Tailed Beasts."

Not only are Uzumakis powerful and renowed, Kushina being a survivor of the collapse of a nation, but any other Vessel who lets lose a tailed beast out of their body typically dies. (Unless you're gaara, then ur protected by being a main character)

She was known as the newest vessel of the Nine-Tailed Fox, which is basically like Konoha's very important nuclear warhead. Having a nuclear warhead is a major political consideration for ALL nations as a deterrant against invasion.

Minato, meanwhile, was the Hokage. President Dictator of Konoha.

These Are Both Well Known People. These Are Political Figureheads.

And also Kushina and Sasuke's mother were personal friends. Sasuke's mom was aware her friend was pregnant.

But when a Vessel gives birth is apparently becomes a moment of weakness during which the Tailed Beast can pop out. They take precautions, but You Can't Thwart Stage One

Nine-Tailed Fox kills a bunch of people in its rampage and Minato seals the beastie into a baby before dying (this part is not a retcon this is established from like the 1st chapter)

But it turns out that actually Minato and Kushina did it together and put the beastie into THEIR OWN baby.

But this makes NO sense in hindsight... like, at all.

His last name is Uzumaki and NO ONE KNEW?

He NEVER LEARNED what an Uzumaki is?

He looks JUST like Minato, too, spitting image. And no one knows.

THE PREVIOUS DICTATOR PRESIDENT

In spite of it being KNOWN that Minato was married to the previous Nuclear Warhead Holder.

This one shows up with a Nuclear Warhead of his own and no one puts two and two together

Sasuke's Mom also never approaches the very obvious child of her friend. Only person in the whole village with her last name. Born around the same time that her pregnant friend vanished.

Making Tailed Beasts into Nuclear Warheads was also a mistake because why the hell is no one trying to kidnap this unwanted WEAPON if having and using them is a major political consideration???

But no we gotta make Naruto the specialist boy to have ever been born and he's so amazing and perfect and always destined for greatness because of his birth. Who cares how little sense it actually makes.

It's like Kishimoto wanted to have his cake and eat it too; have Naruto both come from poverty and humble beginnings, but also have been the chosen one all along who was always going to become the big damn hero. Frustrating.

[yakool-foolio]

see maybe this is just me, but As A Character Designer Myself i think the rain code designs are some of komatzuzaki's best work yet. they're weird and campy and yet they work so well. i do think the characters' personalities shine through on first and second glances. I don't even usually like neon colors but I think the combo of bright neons with understated neutrals is so fascinating and memorable. no one else does it like this. a lot of the small details on the designs are actually packed with symbolic meaning (esp. yakou's - I'd love to see you unpack all that) and the overabundance of logos is evocative of the corpo-cyber-future setting. the rain code designs feel much more cohesive in terms of that setting than the DR designs do - which makes sense bc DR is more about disparate people being united by their circumstances - dialed to 11 in v3 where the designs are at their wackiest. but this ain't about her this is about rain code.

I love that characters you wouldn't expect (zange, fubuki, priest...) have weird facial piercings and tattoos. I love that the animal ears are never explained. I love desuhiko's tboy swag and yeah, the golden yellow and the dirty blonde and the neon yellow accents don't look great together - and I think the clashing colors work wonders to establish his personality. this kid dressed himself and thought it would make him look cool. you idiot. aphex's hat is stupid. zilch's ears are stupid. vivia's bandages-instead-of-clothes are stupid - and yet reading into that choice is very insightful. (he puts on a lazy air but if he was really lazy he'd just put on an oversized emo band tee instead of wrapping himself up like a mummy every day. he actually does care about how he comes across to people.)

there's a few videos about fashion YouTubers judging the DR fits, and at one point they brought in Yuma and shinigami and they hated yuma's outfit so much because it's dorky and they wouldn't wear it. but like!!! that's the whole point is that it's dorky!!!! his little trainee shorts. his stupid fkin bowl cut making him look like a little boy whose mom still cuts his hair. (which of course turns out to be a meaningful deception. his haircut influences how the audience and other characters see him to great effect.) and yet he has the coolest fkin shoes ever and when he puts his hat and cape on he's got such an iconic silhouette. teru teru bozu lookin ass /pos.

anyway yeah. i wasnt a fan of komatzuzaki's designs in the beginning but over the years ive come around. I'm a firm designer that a character design doesn't necessarily have to look good to be a good character design. I like it when they aren't afraid to make the characters look cringe - I love cringe. I eat it up. thanks for coming to my Ted talk.

Even more perspectives! I think your take of 'bad-looking designs can be good actually' is a great way to look at Rain Code's characters. To put it simply, it's unique! 'Nobody does it like Komatsuzaki'-kind of campiness. Honestly, Rain Code's designs remind me a lot of Danganronpa 2's designs in terms of color. That cast is full of much brighter colors compared to the lesser saturation of DR1 n V3's cast colors. And it makes sense cause it's a brighter game overall in terms of setting and upping the ridiculousness of the killing game in every way! Rain Code sorta follows that with its own designs by crankin' up the neons to really ride the idea home that this game is wacky right from the get-go and it's a Resident Evil game in disguise! And y'know what Resident Evil loves to indulge in? Campiness! Rain Code wears its inspirations on its sleeve, and that's totally chill.

As a sidenote to your sidenote regarding Yakou's clothing details, I have actually written a bit about how he might perceive them, but I haven't yet written about what they could truly mean in terms of how they relate to him narratively. The meaning of the phoenix patterns are painfully obvious though heh. And I also greatly appreciate the recognition that Vivia really does care about his appearance despite his 'laziness'. His hedonistic lifestyle includes his own attire, wearing whatever he pleases no matter the effort! Like I've preached before, Vivia has the energy, he just prefers to use it only when necessary.

Thank you for the TED talk *golf claps*

[mysterycitrus]

this isn’t a specific character for the hc game but! i have a meta look behind the curtain question — i’m curious how many of these hcs you had locked and loaded, ready to go, part of your own personal character bibles vs how many you had to sit and think of in the moment

either way holy shit they’re all so so good, i’m still v new to dc but your understanding of the characters is my favorite i’ve seen of any fan creators, respectful and knowledgeable about the canon but also so fleshed out and given so much heart and depth and nuance that dc can really lack sometimes

that is really very lovely to say and i really appreciate it

idk how to describe it exactly — wrt my personal creative process, once ive read enough of a character it just gets really easy to make logical jumps about how to add characterisation that’s internally consistent. i kinda just…. vibe it out? even for characters i don’t necessarily like, it’s very quick to patch stuff together for them provided ive consumed and thought about enough canon material. most of the headcanons ive been writing is just stuff im coming up with as i go through

for example, for donna i knew i wanted to incorporate robbie in some way, so — she holds someone else’s baby -> wally has a new baby -> wally’s new baby probably has red hair, like robbie -> this is naturally upsetting -> rinse, repeat. likewise for her photography as a motif for her lost memories -> she remembers many different lives -> she’s a photographer -> she’d use her photography to capture concrete moments in her life, etc. idk if that makes sense

same deal with persephone… none of those character interactions are planned. i just started writing them and the characters did what they wanted to do. i basically just judged which characters would affect dickie’s tenuous mental state in ways that would best suit the narrative. there are specific books i read to try and monitor accuracy but other than that…… it’s all just vibes. vibes and logical conclusions and trusting that im being true to the character’s intent tehehehe

good luck with ur dc journey! try to avoid anything published this decade 🌝

[rynnthefangirl]

I'm glad you understood a little better what some fans of Aegon III and Viserys II feel, basically in my point of view the fandom expects them to sacrifice and suffer the mistakes of others, and being called usurpers when all they would do is claim something that belongs to them, it is frustrating, I've never seen anyone, except maybe one person, say that the one who had to step aside was Jace, since truly the right was Aegon's and he knew it because he was perfectly aware that he was illegitimate hence his visceral reactions when he was told so. But the responsibility always falls on Aegon or Viserys, they are the bad brothers who have to be white cloaks or maesters, or be studs for some lady of Westeros like their father was when that is not their place for the sake of his half-brother . They are always destined to be the bad guys in this fandom, Rhaenyra can fight the usurper, but Aegon and Viserys do not have the same right, because yes, Rhaenyra, to cover up her mistake, was depriving her legitimate children with Daemon of what was theirs. George makes Rhaenyra look very bad with this, a gigantic hypocrisy. And they will tell me it is not Jace, Lucerys and Joffrey's fault for being bastards, well, it is not Aegon and Viserys's either 🤷🏼‍♀️ that is my point. Some will say that kings choose their heir and Rhaenyra chose Jace, wanting to make a parallel between Viserys and Rhaenyra, but Jace was not eligible as an heir, if he were a legitimized bastard he could have been one although it would also be highly frowned upon if he headed the line of succession, but that was not the case. In short, long live Aegon III, whose existence is the salvation of House Targaryen.

I mean that all makes sense, but I guess to me it still seems like an extreme response to what amounts to only a hypothetical. Like Jace very much didn’t take the throne from anyone because never sat it. And he didn’t sit it because he died for his baby brother before he got the chance. Aegon III becomes king, and Viserys II as well, and they never had to fight Jace for it. And from what we see of their characters, they never actually wanted it anyway, and would far prefer having their family back. So pitting then against Jace feels unnecessary and contradictory to what I see as a point of their characters and their most admirable qualities (being two kings who, after the destructive greed of the Dance, truly care for the good of the realm above all and wear the crown out of duty and not desire).

But that is from more a strictly source material perspective, and fandom does change things. For instance, I probably would rather like Aegon II as a character if left to my own devices, but then the fandom goes and treats him like a poor victim who had no choice but to steal the throne, and it just makes me despise him wholeheartedly. Compare to Aegon IV, who is as despicable as any Targ, but I love his character because I think he’s fun and interesting. Two Targs that are awful people but compelling characters, yet the fandom response make me appreciate one while having nothing but contempt for the other.

All that is to say, there isn’t any fandom behavior that I myself have experienced that would make me resent the Velaryon boys despite the lack of conflict between them and Aegon III in the narrative. But I can’t discount that others might have different experiences, and seeing them shunted aside or demonized for the sake of their half brothers would be very aggravating. Particularly given how their characters have effectively been erased from HOTD (which I am still fuming about, why are they still toddlers when the Gullet is mere moments away😤), so show-only fans would be more like to dismiss their characters as irrelevant (ugh, even writing that raises my hackles). Again, not really an issue I come across, but I think we all underestimate to what extent our personal fandom experiences are not universal.

[ms-all-sunday]

w7 robin is creepy. most creepy thing about her is how she refuses to react to any of it. like the most creepy reveal ive ever seen in anything is that robin doesnt even need to be put in seastone handcuffs to listen to the government. shes either completely nonreacting in a way that makes you feel intensely uncomfortable or reacting like she's seen a monster right in front of her that you cant see but shes convinced is there.

when i call robin creepy in water 7 im doing it with the knowledge shes coming off as creepy because she has personality disorders and ptsd, and shes in a triggering situation for her that is partially her fault and partially the governments, (like i genuinely think w7 is the best possible representation of being triggered ive ever seen, i really do fucking intensely relate to robin.)

i think the reason i feel so comfortable in calling her creepy on this blog despite the fact i have never been comfortable doing so in reference to any other character with that level of trauma is that the reason she's creepy in water 7 is not from a point of alienation?

i always used to think "having a mentally ill person be bad means they get nagito komaedaed" and what i meant by that is they get alienated from the narrative. its a thought i had specifically after seeing persona 5s akechi play out (that game should on paper be way more sympathetic and not alienating towards akechi than it is) and it was the best representation ive seen of someone being bad and mentally ill that i had seen up until that point, but he still gets nagito komaedaed.

as in, i feel he gets alienated from the audiences perspective and you are supposed to view him as a horror monster rather than a character. akechi is kind of like progressive nagito komaeda.

so when i call robin creepy, i mean that in the sense i don't think her perspective gets alienated from the audience. (in the nagito komaeda way) i think you're supposed to always view her as a friend and someone close to you. which i think is where the good horror comes from in regards to how she acts in water 7. you fundamentally couldn't have the horror of her situation impact you as much as it does in w7, without the understanding extended to her.

the story water 7 is about a lot of things, but most of them can be captured in "when mentally ill people do bad things because they're mentally ill" and i struggle really bad when i'm perceived as creepy or monstrous because of how i act in regards to my mental illness, being able to conceptualize someone seeing me as creepy even when they love me and are close to me or even because of it helps with that a lot. and there's naunce to it too, because in canon robin also has people perceiving her as a literal demon child and that from other people is coming from a horrible place.

this also leads me into how great of a title "demon child" is for her, because she allows herself to be defined by that trauma for the majority of her life and the title reflects that. both how she lets other people define her by it and herself.

[daydreamycrustacean]

you cant just threaten me with narrative parallels to big boss and not deliver. i need this

AHEHEHEE....( •̀ ω •́ )✧ Ive spent all noon going insane over char and ive listened 3 times to beyond the time, so you chose the perfect time for this.... Okay. so basically,

meme comic aside, here's a more structured and elaborated version of these points, taken from something that I wrote in my notes app at 2 am, plus some other points. Sorry if this doesn't make sense. Im not good at putting my thoughts into words.

----------------------

-they are both soldiers who end up being idolized and turned into a symbol. this idolization makes people want them to be in a position of leadership.

-being better known for their nom de guerre, "the red comet/char aznable" (which also counts as this, since it's a fake name tied to his identity in the one-year war) and "big boss", adds to this idealization, and with it also comes depersonalization, as their identity becomes just an image of a war hero that exists in peoples heads. a legend, rather than a real person.

-the artificiality of this legend is brought home in the way that it is taken, replicated, and put into other people, showing that anyone can be "the red comet" or "big boss". that's right baby. clones! Be it The Patriots making supersoldier clones of big boss for war purposes or Sunrise making Char after Char for anime purposes. But Char does also have actual in-universe clones???

-And also phantoms... the much clearer example of the artificiality of these legends/identities. I don't know anything abt Gundam Unicorn and so the only things I know abt Full Frontal are from the wiki. but he's just Venom Snake. Hey, what if we took this random guy and altered his appearance and mind to be the red comet/big boss?

-Okay its time to talk about The Boss and Zeon Deikun. Their deaths turn them both into symbols that represent the ideals that they preached. Ideals that everyone else takes and misinterprets for their own purposes. Their deaths also kickstart Big Boss and Char´s...everything. In a way, both Big Boss and Char dedicate their lives fighting for the ideals that their mother/father represented. Are they any good at this? Or are they yet another person taking these ideals and twisting them beyond recognition? Let´s say that´s up for debate.

-"So both Char and Big Boss ended up being idolized just like The Boss and Zeon Deikun? Even though it's something that they did not want and tried to avoid?" YES! Unavoidable fate. Repeating mistakes of the past...Sins of the Father... one of the key themes of Metal Gear. THE theme of metal gear. Big Boss more consciously tried to avoid the fate of The Boss by leaving the US military and hated being seen as a hero/called Big Boss because of The Boss. Char never outright states that the reason he does not want leadership is because he does not want to suffer his father´s fate...but his choice of accepting leadership is tied into his father´s fate nonetheless, with "Maybe human sacrifices run in your family" and Char casting himself as that human sacrifice in Char´s Counterattack. Is the reason as to why thinking about Char makes me so insane because his narrative of not being able to escape his father´s shadow taps into one of Metal Gears main themes? who knows...

-I said that Char´s "The Boss" figure is Zeon Deikun...but I think Lalah is the emotional aspect of this. She is the more clear Mother Figure whose death scars and haunts Char the way The Boss haunts Big Boss. Yes, Char also lost his real mom when young but shes not as important as Lalah.

-They just miss their mom bro :(

-cue millions of jokes about Oedipus complexes (more prevalent in the gundam fandom. for some reason.)...not gonna comment on this but they are there. and I can't ignore it if I'm talking abt comparisons between them.

-Okay, mothers/fathers talk aside. Their relationship to war and conflict. Not much else to say that I didn't say in the image. Its all they know and and all they think themselves capable of. Though thinking about their similarities on this did remind me of something that Beltorchika said in Zeta about Char, about how she thinks he's someone who is incapable of living without war and how definitely similar things are directly said about big boss in metal gear. there's more to this and about whether this is true and why...but my eyes are starting to hurt. I need to finish this.

-Lets go back to leadership. despite the fact that they both do not initially want this position of power, they do eventually give into it to help soldiers/Spacenoids respectively. Big Boss wants soldiers to not be used by governments like he was used (but he does end up using them nonetheless. oops) and Char wants Spacenoid independence from the Federation, although Char´s motivations in cca are more complex than just this, I do believe part of him does genuinely see helping spacenoids as his "duty" and something he needs to sacrifice himself for.Okay that was my last big point. finally this is done. more stuff:

-the_man_who_sold_the_world.mp3

-I don't know. all war criminals know these days is be bisexual and lie. <- all there is to say abt their heavy homoerotic subtext. which yes they also both individually have. although big boss´ is stronger bc he's in metal gear. I also can't ignore it. It's still a character aspect.

-forgot abt Quess...use of child soldiers ig. awesome.

[suffarustuffaru]

so @alderamiin said subaru for the ask…. yes your ask was the one i deleted on accident whoops 😭😭 BUT HERE WE GO I MADE SURE TO REMEMBER TO DO YOURS WKDNDN (and i LOVE subaru fr i simply could not skip over him also) (pls expect my usual chaotic rambling im so sorry i really am overusing the caps button 😳😭😭)

Sexuality Headcanon: bisexual 👍 subaru being somewhere on the ace spectrum isnt a super strong headcanon of mine compared to the bisexual hc but i am still fond of it <33 bc i do tend to just hc him as bisexual but i suppose i could kind of see it <33 :DD !!

Gender Headcanon: subaru is literally, as we’ve all discussed, like EVERY letter of lgbtq+ i swear. like natsumi EXPLICITLY being stated to be his ideal self….. what cisgender boy has his ideal version of himself be a woman…. come on….. and hes been like. dressing and trying to pass as a girl for his crossdressing pre-isekai too. like subarus Practiced A Lot at this. subaru clearly enjoys doing this and he was crushed when he couldnt pass bc of his voice pre-isekai :(( AND LIKE subaru and his complex relationship to masculinity and feeling insecure in his own skin like……………… and then natsumi being his ideal self…… natsumi being the Heroine……….. and its like. subaru clearly has a case of “do i want to be them or be With Them” when it comes to men hes attracted to (most notably julius.) so like. it could apply to women too. like. and then the way subaru reacts to felix’s presentation too………. i just think it says a lot. i dont care what tappei says but he wrote all this shit in the text fr!!! and also in general. natsuki subaru being a gender neutral name…. same with natsumi schwartz… so yes genderqueer subaru for the win. i personally hc subaru as genderfluid or bigender!! and also like. subaru being Very LGBTQ+ is so in line with rezero’s themes of self love and self improvement and self discovery and Identity. i think it hits so much harder if subaru Is lgbtq+ versus if he was just insecure straight cis man. like no wonder subaru was struggling Even More. hes so so far in the closet and struggling with like the internal homophobia and shit fr :(((

that and 1. subaru being lgbt is such a great subversion of what you would think when you first meet his character. and also a subversion of ur typical isekai protag which ADDS to rezeros subversion of isekai in general and 2. i love making Certain People mad with these hcs. like its so supported by the text the only thing missing is explicit confirmation. which. i have my doubts with tappei on that but iirc he DID say he nearly wrote a lust if with the guys…. tappei. come on. you already explicitly said that natsumi is subarus ideal self.

A ship I have with said character: im very open to most subaru ships!!! i just love a lot of them—reinsuba, ottosuba, emisuba, remsuba, julisuba… i just like how each kind of dynamic with subaru has so much range like even in just main route alone?? and then you factor in the ifs and it gets So Interesting. theres so much history with each pairing and so much to explore, whether its platonic or romantic. and subaru has a LOT of love in his heart.

i just like each pairing for different reasons hah—like ok ive talked a lot about reinsuba and emisuba already in other asks so. i DO like remsuba okay. not in the sense that i want it to be the endgame ship in main route bc thats very much not happening and i would prefer The Most Detailed emisuba development of all time. which would be more thematically relevant <3 but i DO ADORE remsubas relationship in general. like its so so complicated??? like. yeah theres the conflict in arc 2. theres the conflict in arc 7 with her waking up and being different and being so mean to him about natsumi :((( theres her “youre my hero” versus “youre not a hero” WHICH. URHGHF ITS SO GOOD….. and like yeah remsuba really do be. iffy. in terms of how healthy it is. but its so complicated bc you also have rem being like—she was like the first person, narratively, to be willing to DIE to save subaru the exact way he does for other people (including rem). and then the famous from zero scene in season one which is a MASTERPIECE but i hate how people fixate on “i love emilia” LIKE REM IS HAPPY FOR SUBARU. SHE IS HAPPY AS LONG AS HE IS. EVEN IF HE DOESNT LIKE HER BACK. but also he did like her back romantically for a time. and also of course rem had her fixation on subaru :(( subaru had his own obsession for emilia while rem had hers for subaru pre-being gluttonyed?? :(( yeah like. remsuba being so complicated is so interesting to me. like she and subaru are very passionate people yes. but also they do need to learn to tone it down sometimes you know? REM ESPECIALLY TOO BECAUSE EVEN AFTER SHE STOPS BEING MURDERY TOWARDS HIM… FOR EXAMPLE IN SEASON ONE SHE WOULD CANONICALLY GO TO HIS ROOM IN THE MORNING AND WAIT FOR HIM TO WAKE UP…. like she'd just sit there at his bedside and Stare at him... like girl chill a bit its okay T^T i havent read sloth if. but it seems like they learned to mellow out and have a happy life T^T apart from. a shit ton of people dying in the background and also subaru dying of old age and resetting back to arc 3. i am interested to see if we’ll get further remsuba closure in arc 8 yes. but also im bonking subaru on the head in arc 7 for saying even REM TORTURING HIM was a fond memory. pls let this be addressed again later i swear sodndn.

ok also julisuba and ottosuba. i am no expert on julisuba but on the other hand i have analyzed Too Much Ottosuba so perhaps i am an expert there wodndn. but YEAH i love those ships. they have so much history and moments between them and they are. definitely the more Explicit evidence of subaru being bi (between subarus Interest in julius and reid calling julisuba boyfriends and SUBARUS INTEREST IN JULIUS... vs ottosuba repeatedly being like “omg do you Like Like me?” “NO I DONT SHUT UP” and also their continued divorce arc dynamics yep). but also i will say i really like ottosuba because specifically they are the subaru pairing where theyre like. Very Much Closer To Being Equals. if theyre not already equals in something. like in terms of power levels and intellect and their very loving families and previous inability to fit in or be believed by people and also their status in the narrative as Being Just A Guy in comparison to everyone else. and yet ottosuba are the MOST important members to their camp for their jobs—subaru keeps everyone alive, and otto handles All the politics, which we see over and over again. they are literally THE power duo. otto is so so important too as the second person to die FOR subaru the same way subarus died for others. like the paralleling of otto pushing subaru out of the way when the white whale drove otto insane (and later otto tried to go back for subaru once he regained his senses ;-;;;) versus otto pushing subaru out of the way so he didnt get killed by garf ;-;;;;;. and otto being the second person after rem to also give subaru an EXTREMELY IMPORTANT speech to him (otto-rem parallels...???) <33 except ottosuba also foil a lot bc of their Different Morals. but theyre both stubborn as hell and have a tendency to go off and do shit they think is best without telling anyone bc theyre too deadset (hah) on what THEY think. (OTTO. SPENDING A WHOLE YEAR SECRETLY GETTING THE BOOK OF WISDOM AND HAVING IT RESTORED?? HELLO???) anyway yeah ill stop right here bc i have So Much ottosuba posts on this damn blog wkdndn but i really do think the appeal of ottosuba is that they Are on a more even playing ground. and their morality flipflops sometimes. ottos issues are just more lowkey than subarus widndnd. i am. however. nervous about all the ottosuba and vincent-chisha parallels in arc 8 bc………. possible otto perma death on the horizon??? 😭😭😭😭 itd CRUSH subaru.

also of course the similar flavors of julisuba and ottosuba….. u can have ur tsundere x tsundere ships in TWO DIFFERENT FONTS. anyway ill become a julius lore expert someday i promise.

A BROTP I have with said character: BROTP ottosuba and ramsuba are so so funny and great wofndn but special shoutout to garf and subaru in particular!!! i think its interesting how far their relationship has come bc they had a VERY rough start and its like. 1. im sure garf would immediately regret going into a rage and killing a shit ton of people in that One Failed Loop and 2. we learn garf is a traumatized fourteen year old whos been trying so hard to take care of the demihumans inside sanctuary while his sister and mom left him, one way or another, and hes very afraid of the outside world. and its like YEAH now your behavior makes sense. and its so good to see garfs growth and also his growth in his relationship with subaru (and otto) bc he looks up to subaru sm!!! subaru helped garf so much T^T theyre brothers guys 😭😭 i think its so adorable and so sweet. ill defend garf all day everyday. garf 🤝 subaru with their DAMN hero complexes while otto tries to keep them both on a leash so they dont do stupid shit. subaru IS a good role model for garf though ill say that. subaru tries so hard to be a good role model wkdndn. and yes i always laugh when garf teases subaru for drawing doodles and writing encouraging things for emilia in the temple.

A NOTP I have with said character: okay so. maybe i will spill some tea here. hah so i went over in ram’s ask how i think ramsuba in wrath if is actually super interesting widndns but otherwise ramsuba to me is bland. which. i also just feel like subaru/crusch and subaru/ana and subaru/priscilla are also bland. like. i dont think theyll ever feel interesting to me akdndn. like theres not. as much to work off of imo. like i just dont think theyre a good match romantically at all. like At All. priscilla especially LMAO…. and im tired of people reducing women in the story to just boobs and being fucked by subaru 😭😭😭 like i dont have anything against those subaru ships, my biggest notp is just seeing a bunch of characters be butchered just to have subaru have sex with various women. 😭😭 obviously not everyone in the fandom does that but i see this happens the most with priscilla fr. pls. shes more than just boobs :(((

anyway. my other notp is like. echidna/subaru but like. i feel similarly to ram/roswaal on this where its like. theres a potential there to show a nuanced complex toxic relationship bc THAT IS what echidna/subaru are. even more so in greed if. like theyve spent an UNGODLY amount of time together like their relationship is so fucked. like god the amount of details that were added to their dynamic in the greed if ln makes me go INSANE….. like you know how echidna said that subaru could use her body with this contract?? what she ALSO really meant was HEY SUBARU YOU CAN KILL ME IF YOU WANT. ILL JUST COME BACK BC WE ALWAYS MEET IN A DREAM WORLD AND THERES NO CONSEQUENCES BUT ITLL FEEL REAL TO YOU. LIKE HOLY FUCK FR 😭😭 and like in generally reading through greed if ln is a Trip alright. like “no yeah duh of course it is, suffaru, its GREED IF” but LISTEN……. echidna being subarus weird mother figure and then like. idk there are obvious implications i feel from like the body fluid tea and then echidna being like “you can use my body” and then theres a moment where she puts his hand on her chest and yeah its to feel her heart but LIKE…. SOMETHING ABOUT THAT SCENE FELT LIKE. SOMETHING. TO ME. AND THEN SHES SO OBSESSED WITH HIM AND HES DEPENDENT ON HER LIKE JESUS ITS A MESS. ITS LIKE HOW SHE WAS WITH OG ROSWAAL. GOD. *puts my head in my hands*

anyway my real notp is like. depicting echidna/subaru like it is a Healthy Thing like no it is not 😭😭😭😭 it never was healthy and it literally never will be unless ur changing echidnas character drastically. if ur gonna show off echidna/subaru then they are gonna be SO RANCID in like every way possible there is no other correct way to write them. she is terrible for him. she literally saw him and went “i can make him worse” and then it happened. bc greed if subaru is a Terrible Person. like. its not even a question. the biggest example i can think of rn other than obvious Rbd use is KEEPING MEILI. A CHILD. HOSTAGE AND LOCKED UP IN ORDER TO USE ELSA. HER OLDER SISTER FIGURE. JEEZ. my biggest notp of all time is treating unhealthy relationships as if they Arent unhealthy.

MY OTHER BIGGEST NOTP OF ALL TIME FOR ANYTHING IS SHIPPING A CHILD AND AN OLDER PERSON TOGETHER. subaru/petra SHOULD BE AN OBVIOUS NOTP BUT SURE DOESNT FEEL LIKE IT SOMETIMES….. guys she is a child. come on. hes seventeen and shes TWELVE. GUYS…. and then theres tappei making iirc an ACTUAL petra if????? and idk what the content in petra if is exactly but i worry given tappeis track record with the child characters sometimes 😭😭 AND THEN PETRA BEING IN LUST IF. TAPPEI…… N-NOTHING HAPPENS, RIGHT? *EXPLODES WITH RAGE*. even if petra and subaru get together later when theyre Older Adults in some AU or something its like. subaru knew her when she was a young child. and she had a crush on him then. um. personally idk if im fully comfortable with that hah T^T

A random headcanon: GONNA TALK ABOUT WRATH IF. anyway so the wrath if divergence point is that subaru gets beatrice to teleport him away and ram chases him down, ram tries to strangle him to death but fails, he smashes her head with a rock. yes. BUT OKAY when u watch the anime. beatrice comes for his aid AFTER subaru gets to the cliff and tries to psych himself up to like. jump off to save rem and stuff. THEREFORE wrath if subaru still considered trying to rbd via jumping off that cliff. he just decided not to and agreed to have beatrice teleport him away. this is something not many people seem to mention or maybe even notice (??) but I THINK ABOUT IT A LOT…. :((

General Opinion over said character: i LOVE SUBARU WITH MY WHOLE BEING. he is my absolute favorite anime character of all time. his character arc is so chaotic and complicated and i think the way he Does like still struggle with the same Inner Conflicts is so so much more realistic. recovery and self improvement are NOT linear and he shows that perfectly. and i hate how much people misread subaru T^T the whole chadbaru trend in fandom of how he should get harems or how he should leave everyone or be terrible to emilia for *insert a long list of Terrible reasons here* is so. like did we all read and watch the same damn story or what hah. the whole point of rezero is LOVE ITSELF….. and subaru ultimately has a lot of love for so many people around him. though of course i do worry for how rbd reveal is going to be handled, and im not entirely sure how to feel about subarus arc 7 development atm. rbd reveal is gonna have catastrophic consequences for Everyone. like everyone hes ever been close to finding out hes died a shit ton of times to save him?? that so many of them have like. maimed and killed him or at least Tried To Do That? like HOW are we gonna get a happy ending out of all of this—hows tappei gonna handle this?? 😭😭 i worry sometimes that when rbd reveal happens it wont be nuanced or itll gloss over certain things or it just. wont be so satisfying. bc u have arc 7 subaru out here with SUICIDE PILLS……. ARC 7 SUBARU IN REPEATED INSANE DEATH LOOPS AS A CHILD….. how are we gonna come back from this?? 😭😭 i have my doubts sometimes but tappei loves insane character development for subaru so i suppose i will hope. i just wish for all the trauma to be seen and addressed akdndn and the fact that rbd is so. complicated. it makes subaru and his relationships with everyone else so complicated. and rbd is inherently unfair in a lot of ways to both subaru and everyone hes close to. i cant wait for more subaru development but i also think after arc 8 he NEEDS a break or like otherwise, personally i think subarus gonna snap for good and not be able to return from it 😭😭 or ill just have to suspend my uhh disbelief. i suppose. but yes i do love subaru a lot!!! his hair is a Pain in the ass to draw but ill endure the pain just for him. <33

but regarding all of subarus loved ones maiming and killing him a lot—i think its fascinating how the if routes prove he is JUST as capable of ruining all their lives. like i feel like people forget that sometimes in favor of woaaah cool what if routes where subaru becomes “badass”…. but LIKE…. hes SO SO CAPABLE of so much destruction. he is choice itself. he is capable of changing the entire world and everyone around him. he is capable of causing the deaths and trauma for SO MANY PEOPLE… and like i think rezero itself and subarus relationships are like an extreme version of hedgehog’s dilemma, u know? like u get close to people to love and be loved, but ur also very vulnerable to getting hurt. and rezero is About love. and part of close relationships are that ur so close u Can be hurt. maybe you Will be hurt. but u will also Love….. unless ur one of the ifbarus then fuck u for making the wrong decisions ig wodndndn. im telling u guys that subaru is LITERALLY an eldritch being at this rate. todd is so right.

and. okay one last thing im gonna be real for a second. im a little eh on subaru being a child, honestly. like i DO like the trope of turning characters back into their child selves in order to explore their psychology that way!! but like. idk i feel like the childbaru arc is kinda too similar to the whole amnesiabaru arc in arc 6. it feels Extraneous. it doesnt feel different enough for me personally. (emphasis on personally. this is all my opinion hah.) and then he is STILL A CHILD IN ARC 8 EVEN THOUGH THE OTHER PEOPLE THAT GOT TURNED INTO KIDS ARE NOW BACK TO NORMAL…… LIKE…. im sorry but the childbaru has overstayed its welcome by the time we get to arc 8 imo 😭😭

[omegalomania]

ive got a one free sincere poetical diatribe coupon that expires this week so im cashing it in on waxing lyrical about my favorite band for a minute cause im stupidly sleep deprived and its gonna be a long night so

the thing is this.

the thing is that maybe there isnt quite magic in this world but theres something to be said for the pure unfettered serendipity of a million little things conspiring to have certain peoples paths cross and the way this can change entire worlds. maybe i dont believe in magic but i believe in the unshakable fucking certainty that a 17 year old joe trohman had when he met a 17 year old patrick stump in a bookstore by sheer chance and listened to his demos and Knowing that he should sing despite patrick not being a singer and not particularly wanting to sing. i believe in the stone cold rock solid belief this kid had in this other kids voice to the point where he dragged his buddy over to his house to prove he had the pipes they needed. i believe in pete wentz hearing patrick stump sing in person for the first time and realizing wait, yeah, actually hes our golden fucking ticket. i believe in the last second just before patrick was about to get on the kit to record the drums for take this to your grave, andy hurley comes swinging in fresh from recording an ep with another band and knocking out every drum part damn near flawlessly. i believe in a band of scrappy dumb punk kids who grew up in the suburbs of the midwest and took over the world and didnt plan for any of it to get as big as it did. i believe in this weird fucking band with their weird fucking idiosyncrasies, this band of four guys who dont look like they should be friends let alone making music together: a heavily tattooed vegan straightedge beefcake drummer, the ambitious visionary bassist with the 50-megawatt grin, the tattoo-sleeved lanky guitarist with an inescapable rock 'n roll bent, the pixie-pale and painfully anxious frontman with the voice of a soul singer.

i believe theres a special kind of chemistry that only makes sense with the four of them, together. its the guy with the visuals and the words, this bassist who was supposed to be a lawyer or a star soccer player but instead crafts stories from the narratives he crafts in his head. its this guitarist with his love for the interleaving of sounds and ability to seamlessly jump from front-facing to incredibly restrained and his indelible blues-rock momentum. its this singer who never intended to sing but whose soaring, clear tenor is so utterly distinct that he quickly became one of the most iconic and versatile vocalists in the genre, if not in the world of music in general. its this hardcore drummer who pulls everything together and forms the throbbing heartbeat of the band, whose grit-edged metalcore backbone not even the poppiest of all pop choruses can truly file away.

i believe in this: andy hurley's unshakable faith that the band would reform during the hiatus, despite all evidence to the contrary. patrick stump writing the song that would become "miss missing you" for his solo record but then setting it aside because it didnt feel like it was for him, again, despite every indication that for all anyone knew, fall out boy was done for good. pete wentz, moved by a miserable blog post from his split-up bands singer, reaching out and sparking what was unheard of, especially for bands like them - a renaissance, a successful resurgence, and one of the best comebacks any musical act can say theyve had in decades. joe trohman picking up the phone and preparing to tell patrick stump that he wasn't ready to go back and do the band again if he wasn't going to be writing music, only for patrick to take the words out of his mouth and insist that he should be writing more and he was too talented a writer for them not to allow him space for that.

i believe in the little things. i believe in a band that was never expected to last a summer but has become an indelible part of music history, naysayers be damned. i believe in the unique chemistry of four guys who have no monetary or logistical reason to continue doing this thing aside from the fact that they love it so - they love the process of creating with one another, and they love the car crash hearts whose hearts beat in sync with theirs. i believe in joe listening to the first pass of "fake out" exactly once, picking up an acoustic guitar, and walking into record the instrumentation that ultimately pulled the entire song together in one take without thinking twice about it. i believe in andy simply knowing that "heaven, iowa" would make the final cut of the record despite patricks reticence and his not knowing how to make the song something he could say he was proud of. i believe in pete pouring some of his most vulnerable feelings into his, fearful of how well they will be accepted but making that leap nonetheless, only for the crowds to sing every single word back to him.

maybe theres no such thing as magic or fate and maybe theres no point. but i think of stardust. i think of four guys who poured so much love and time into this record and named it for stardust and i think of them as this: fistfuls of cosmic dust who all sprang from the same etiology. i think of them and its a romantic fucking notion but i allow myself this, i entertain the thought that when the cosmos formed and the detonation of planets and the dissolution of comets created that far-flung scatter of so much (for) stardust, that starry residue liberally dotting the broad span of the black, the four of them all came from the same origin point and like magnets ended up snapping together and thats the way theyve stayed. for years. for decades.

what i guess im trying to say is this: when the universe formed we all came from stardust and we will all return to stardust and i cant help but wonder if those four guys all came from the same stardust too.

like i said. its a romantic fucking notion. i believe in the little things though. and you know what they say about believers (never die).

[eddiediazismyhusband]

I enjoy clowning—it’s fun, I’ve been having fun this hiatus—but after 7B, season 8 is a make or break season. Either it’s going to go well, or it’s going to go so bad. Personally I’m on the fence about actually watching S8 after 7B, and I’m inclined to hover and wait for spoilers before actually watching, but I’m not sticking around (with the actual show, I’ll still be in the fandom) past it on a “they might finally do it!” possibility if it doesn’t happen in S8. I’ve been down that road before and I’m too old to be investing my time into shows that aren’t actually making me happy anymore.

see to me some instances of clowning is fun but other instances veer too close to “convincing myself this is actually going to happen” territory bc like:

the theories make sense. the in depth analyses make sense. no one is wrong in saying everything is in fact (seemingly) pointing to buddie, and it would be stupid of them not to commit to it.

yet (as ive mentioned before) we have been in this position countless times, and every time they’ve taken a sharp left turn away from the natural path, just to avoid actually giving us buddie.

because once they do, they lose their bait chip… they can’t rely on “ohhh but what if buddie happens!!!” to cover up the decline in general writing quality once they actually commit, which means they’d have to work extra hard to actually keep people invested because people will start to see the cracks aside from the buddie of it all and will stop watching

it’s why i wish more fans would be more vocal about how we aren’t going to just let them keep dragging us along rather than staying on this hamster wheel of “i can feel it, it’s gonna happen this time, i just know it” only for it to inevitably not happen bc they flipped the script (literally) in the eleventh hour, and all that buildup is watered down to nothing (the well, the gunshot/will arc, the breakdown arc, the lightning strike, bi buck, eddisol breakup) like they keep giving themselves prime opportunity to actually do something, yet they keep pushing this narrative of “oh well if the story goes there naturally”

well, hate to break it to ya guys but it has gone there naturally multiple times and yall just swerved around it.

i could go on about how buck’s bisexuality could have been introduced in a slightly different way, launching eddie’s crisis in s7 so that we could have gotten both of them coming out in s7 (if not buddie canon) and then s8a could focus on them getting together.

but instead we got eddie saying shannon’s the love of his life snd we got buck dating a racist who is dismissive and boring.

anyway, i’m just not gonna involve myself with s8 until we get something and no, i’m not forcing myself to watch them just torture eddie again and again bc they’ve chosen him to be their punching bag character in the writer’s room even though tim claims to “love” ryan yet keeps putting his character through the same fucking ringer every season to the point where even ryan was like “he’s moved on from his wife like a hundred times by now”