#i dont wanna know how many times i said the word ``identity`` in this...

[daydreamycrustacean]

you cant just threaten me with narrative parallels to big boss and not deliver. i need this

AHEHEHEE....( •̀ ω •́ )✧ Ive spent all noon going insane over char and ive listened 3 times to beyond the time, so you chose the perfect time for this.... Okay. so basically,

meme comic aside, here's a more structured and elaborated version of these points, taken from something that I wrote in my notes app at 2 am, plus some other points. Sorry if this doesn't make sense. Im not good at putting my thoughts into words.

----------------------

-they are both soldiers who end up being idolized and turned into a symbol. this idolization makes people want them to be in a position of leadership.

-being better known for their nom de guerre, "the red comet/char aznable" (which also counts as this, since it's a fake name tied to his identity in the one-year war) and "big boss", adds to this idealization, and with it also comes depersonalization, as their identity becomes just an image of a war hero that exists in peoples heads. a legend, rather than a real person.

-the artificiality of this legend is brought home in the way that it is taken, replicated, and put into other people, showing that anyone can be "the red comet" or "big boss". that's right baby. clones! Be it The Patriots making supersoldier clones of big boss for war purposes or Sunrise making Char after Char for anime purposes. But Char does also have actual in-universe clones???

-And also phantoms... the much clearer example of the artificiality of these legends/identities. I don't know anything abt Gundam Unicorn and so the only things I know abt Full Frontal are from the wiki. but he's just Venom Snake. Hey, what if we took this random guy and altered his appearance and mind to be the red comet/big boss?

-Okay its time to talk about The Boss and Zeon Deikun. Their deaths turn them both into symbols that represent the ideals that they preached. Ideals that everyone else takes and misinterprets for their own purposes. Their deaths also kickstart Big Boss and Char´s...everything. In a way, both Big Boss and Char dedicate their lives fighting for the ideals that their mother/father represented. Are they any good at this? Or are they yet another person taking these ideals and twisting them beyond recognition? Let´s say that´s up for debate.

-"So both Char and Big Boss ended up being idolized just like The Boss and Zeon Deikun? Even though it's something that they did not want and tried to avoid?" YES! Unavoidable fate. Repeating mistakes of the past...Sins of the Father... one of the key themes of Metal Gear. THE theme of metal gear. Big Boss more consciously tried to avoid the fate of The Boss by leaving the US military and hated being seen as a hero/called Big Boss because of The Boss. Char never outright states that the reason he does not want leadership is because he does not want to suffer his father´s fate...but his choice of accepting leadership is tied into his father´s fate nonetheless, with "Maybe human sacrifices run in your family" and Char casting himself as that human sacrifice in Char´s Counterattack. Is the reason as to why thinking about Char makes me so insane because his narrative of not being able to escape his father´s shadow taps into one of Metal Gears main themes? who knows...

-I said that Char´s "The Boss" figure is Zeon Deikun...but I think Lalah is the emotional aspect of this. She is the more clear Mother Figure whose death scars and haunts Char the way The Boss haunts Big Boss. Yes, Char also lost his real mom when young but shes not as important as Lalah.

-They just miss their mom bro :(

-cue millions of jokes about Oedipus complexes (more prevalent in the gundam fandom. for some reason.)...not gonna comment on this but they are there. and I can't ignore it if I'm talking abt comparisons between them.

-Okay, mothers/fathers talk aside. Their relationship to war and conflict. Not much else to say that I didn't say in the image. Its all they know and and all they think themselves capable of. Though thinking about their similarities on this did remind me of something that Beltorchika said in Zeta about Char, about how she thinks he's someone who is incapable of living without war and how definitely similar things are directly said about big boss in metal gear. there's more to this and about whether this is true and why...but my eyes are starting to hurt. I need to finish this.

-Lets go back to leadership. despite the fact that they both do not initially want this position of power, they do eventually give into it to help soldiers/Spacenoids respectively. Big Boss wants soldiers to not be used by governments like he was used (but he does end up using them nonetheless. oops) and Char wants Spacenoid independence from the Federation, although Char´s motivations in cca are more complex than just this, I do believe part of him does genuinely see helping spacenoids as his "duty" and something he needs to sacrifice himself for.Okay that was my last big point. finally this is done. more stuff:

-the_man_who_sold_the_world.mp3

-I don't know. all war criminals know these days is be bisexual and lie. <- all there is to say abt their heavy homoerotic subtext. which yes they also both individually have. although big boss´ is stronger bc he's in metal gear. I also can't ignore it. It's still a character aspect.

-forgot abt Quess...use of child soldiers ig. awesome.

[art-the-f-up]

Hi, its the anon who talk about writing your Palestinian Hero AU. First, i wanna say thank you for your answer. I was really unsure about writing it bcs its a very serious topic. But like you said, we have our way to show solidarity, and i wanna show it through this fic based on your AU.

So id like to ask a few questions about the AU first for me to implement into the fic (since this is your AU after all, and id like to get it as close as possible to what you envision):

1. Does Laaiqa and Ahsan know each other as civilian, and do they know their identity.

2. What do they do as civilian. You dont have to answer this one if you feel like its sensitive or painful to answer

3. Do you mind if i add extra heroes? Don't worry, i won't use all the miracle box 😂 maybe just one or two. Im also gonna change how miraculous holder got chosen work so it will make sense why only so few miraculous were active during the G word.

Thank you for your time and words. I'll see to it that this fic get finished and may it brings Miraculers to also help stop this G word.

Hello! Best of luck to you, it's no pressure okay? I don't want you writing a fic thats got you all stressed instead of motivated or excited haha. The point of fanwork is representation and entertainment.

Laaiqa and Ahsan do know each other's identities, but they did not know each other as civilians before meeting as superheroes. They are mostly vigilant, so they don't come out in public as much. Which is why the public has, on their own, created the names Ladybird and Black Cat (in Arabic) for them. They call each other by their first names.

Laaiqa still lives with her mother in a small apartment in Jenin, and rarely gets to hear about how her father is doing in prison. Ahsan lives with one of his family friends in Gaza, working part time with his friend's dad in his shop after he lost his family and home. (I took this one simply out of one of our own tribal cultures. I realized many Palestinian values match that of our tribe and in our case when a single family member is left one of the families of the tribe take them in as their own. Most cases the child then tries to help in some chores/job even though he is not forced to but it is just a form of gratitude on his part. Pity on any individual is forbidden and is considered dishonorable but that's just me and I'd love to find out from a Palestinian if this is okay.)

Of course you can use whatever heroes you'd like haha. I didn't set this AU up in a specific timeline, I just took it out of what Palestinian life has been like these part 75 years. But yeah the basic message is just their resilience and strength no matter the situation.

[katebushmuncher]

oh great i didnt realise i was gonna run into fans like this IMMEDIATELY after starting the show so yeah louis was wrong in many ways in his relationship to lestat but he WAS NOT "the real abuser" you're not gonna DARVO ldpdl, mutual abuse does not exist and even tho yes its fiction so abuse dynamics dont have to be exactly true to life im still not gonna watch idiots turn the black man in an abusive relationship into the "raging narcissist" they wanna pigeonhole him into being.

firstly, take DSM diagnoses out of your mouth, secondly, yea louis contorts the truth (to himself too, remember? this show loves to rely on unreliability and the limitations of memory) but that doesn't make him lestat's tormentor ffs please THINK for a second before you hit post, and thirdly why are you so so so SO willing to make it seem like louis is the evil manipulator and lestat the poor, innocent, long-suffering (white) victim who cannot be to blame for his own actions because his heart was broken or some other banal shit?

louis was lured into a life of vampirism by lestat, with no real clear alternative, on the brink of his suicide- his lowest moment (while alive). he was in love with lestat but he says he did not "consider himself a homosexual at the time", while lestat had much more opportunities in his lifetime to accept his sexuality louis was just discovering his. we see this intertwined with his crisis of identity as a vampire, afraid to even say the word half the time, ashamed of it. so to say he had inhibitions using the word 'love' towards another man, is putting it lightly. he didn't lead lestat on, like some people might like to think, he loved him to the point of self-destruction, he forgave him after the physical and mental abuse he faced, and yet some people still want to misread the text and call him the narcissist in this scenario. Louis rightfully and at his own personal cost, had reservations saying "I love you" but not because he was trying to manipulate Lestat into a one-sided relationship, bc it put his life in danger to do so.

Lestat is his maker, his first love, Louis is hunted and consumed by him, under his influence but kept in the dark by him; he'll never shake the grasp that man has on his soul. Claudia and Daniel are correct in identifying the racial undertones of their relationship as hostile to him and clearly problematic, and Louis is reluctant to admit to this but he clearly knows if anyone else were in his shoes how wrong and fucked up it would be. unfortunately he is self-sacrificing and his self-respect has been literally beaten out of him so he loves lestat despite it all. i just can't see how you would mistake daniel's criticism "never tell a narcissist you love them" that he said about lestat during an interview (and maybe a little self-flagelation) to somehow be about the abuse recipient? i just can't fathom it actually

[celestiallyslimy]

dear systems(?) of tumblr; (a genuine ask/vent)

i've been showing signs of dissociative identity disorder, and would like to know what people who do have the disorder see my experience as. disclaimer; i have not done much research on dissociative identity disorder, and i am tagging this with tags related to the content of the vent to reach an audience with actual knowledge on dissociative identity disorder, not because i think i have it. i hope that the way i tag doesnt offend people.

buffer for s/a(?), gaslighting, and ed mention also in case you dont wanna hear my sob story and want to know my actual ask, the actual ask is highlighted. the tldr is in red

so, when i was not even ten, my younger sisters would lick my boobs and try humping me and holding me down to slap my bare buttcheeks. my parents didn't help me at all, they said that they're too young to know it was sexual and i should set my own boundaries. i've had dreams about it but im unsure whether i should actually label it as s/a since my sisters are younger than me and less mature. i've also been told small things like "this song is called (example)" only to be told "i've never heard of that song, no it's called (example 2)" since i was 5. this has led to me questioning my identity, and not in the "im not cishet" way, and more of the "how old am i? am i even fourteen? was i even born as (deadname)?" way where i dont know my surroundings. until i was 6-7, i would assume everything i believed was a dream and end every sentence with "but yeah it was probably just a dream and not real". and then, there's my sisters body shaming me AT EIGHT until i started showing signs of bulimia and anorexia (although, my experiences have only aligned with certain systems and i have never seen a therapist, im NOT saying im diagnosed). they would make fun of my for my boobs, stomach, arms, etc.

i've been having multiple "personalities"? not really identities. i mean, the ones i make a distinction with (such as my blogs; i have three blogs right now) use different names and pronouns. but there are other ones with different habits and typing quirks. they never really manifest irl (other than my names, but all the ppl irl know (not my family) is that i go by salem, millie, and eris). sometimes, i dont want to speak at all, sometimes i talk way too much, other times, "i talk liek thizz :333 X333". my main blog, starrinymph, (even tho i dont use it much) goes by ambrose; but i go by ambrose a lot online. this blog (celestiallyslimy) goes by orion, daughterofnoridoorman, for fictionkin content, goes by sage, uzi, and v. it feels weird to put my names/pronouns that i use on one blog on another but i've been doing it anyways because i want to be consistent. but, even when im using a different personality than my basic one, i dont have gaps in my memory. i can switch between these identities voluntarily, but once it happens subconsiously (i dont know a better word), it doesnt really go away. and if i purposefully try and suppress it, then, i start getting anxious, and get the need to pick at my skin and hair. its also sometimes like i can hear different "people" in my head. if it helps, i've also shown signs of other disorders from many quizzes (i would get a professional diagnosis if i could), such as schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, depression, borderline personality disorder, adhd, and more.

tldr; i've had experiences at the age where i was supposed to develop that many would consider to be "traumatic". i am wondering if me having multiple personalities (which i can choose to act as, but can not actively switch out of if it happens on its own, and usually only has changes in typing/ minor changes in personality) may be a sign of dissociative identity disorder.

[e77y]

relating to that vent, i getchu so bad. i feel like in general, the internet might worsen compulsions & obsession within ocd + etc. i have a similar feeling (wouldnt say identical cause i know u from tumblr n yaknow yaknow) that tells me everything i do needs to be 100% morally correct or [insert awful things] will happen to me or someone i love. and this is easier to deal with when you're offline, because there's a limit on the people that can get mad at you. half of the world won't get mad at you because only 0.00001% (or whatever) of the world knows you, yaknow. on the net, it feels like everyone who has an account knows you. your brain telly you anyone who has an account on here might see what you posted & they might be mad at you & they might make a callout post or whatever. even though they don't know you. which is a terrifying thought for many. i dont think youre alone in this, genuinely. and i feel it can be improved. some stuff that's helped me: - making separate accounts w private stuff (doesnt rly work on tumblr but like a private account on insta & etc etc) - rationalising thoughts (an example of this would be thinking: is it really likely many people will agree with someone being mad at me? or: how many people actually do see my posts? is that proportional to the amount of followers i have) - and talking ab it w friends. genuinely, the communication + processing of these thoughts & feelings is soo helpful. sending u soo much love <3 if u wanna chat a bit ab it you can dm me :) (ask can be published or responded 2 privately, whatever u prefer!)

Thank you so much for this message omg :’) ❤️❤️❤️❤️ So thoughtful. This made me tear up a little haha. I’m posting it here so I can look back at it later; hopefully that’s okay.

I’m really glad to hear other people feel the same way/have the same worry… like logically I know that it’s something a lot of people worry about, but idk; my brain has a way of convincing me I am the only person in the world who has done anything ‘bad’ ever LMAOO. So this was really nice to hear

Also I’m a very talkative person! Like I’m definitely an introvert, but I do like to talk about myself and my interests and my feelings etc. Especially when I have a forum (cough Tumblr) to post into the void 😭😭 So I guess that’s part of my issue; IRL, there are less people to be upset if I do/say something ‘bad’, and most of them are my close friends and know I don’t have bad intentions. But online, I walk on eggshells bc 1) strangers online DON’T know my intentions and 2) I just think my mutuals are really cool lol. So I don’t want to do/say anything ‘bad’ or even embarrassing in their presence yk? And online, their ‘presence’ comprises literally all the time w everything I post

I should probably make a more private account 😅 This one is kind of that (just bc it has far fewer followers than my other blog), and I have one on Instagram with like two people following it that I haven’t touched in a while, sooo maybe I will go back to that for more personal vents and whatnot 🫡 I try not to post anything TOO personal on Tumblr, anyway. I just also really like creating fan content, which sort of inherently puts me in a public space even if I don’t WANT to have an ‘audience’ (regardless of how small that audience is; ik there are people who look up to my writing, and that puts a lot of extra pressure on me, but I don’t want to stop writing, either…. Agh)

Idk this is probably overly personal and also very disjointed bc I just finished writing a 1,800 word essay and my brain is mush lol. I’m just sort of reiterating everything you said. Sorry for making you read all this lmao 😭🙏 But thank you for the kind words, seriously ❤️ I really really appreciate it :’D !!!!!!!

[aranock]

This is a screenshot of a post they

I was willing to just block them but no no one gets to come be shitty to me, and then pull this after. Fun fact: I showed their messages to other people who all agreed that they were entitled and rude. Artists are human beings, not some dispenser of emotional labour for the audience that the audience is entitled to. Especially when its women, especially when its trans women.

They could have taken this as a learning opportunity. They did not. I hope that they will reconsider and really look at their behaviour. And that all of you out there might take this as a learning opportunity as well .They said something sanist then came to me way after because I did my job as a mod and removed the message and left a polite reminder to the entire chat. For context I am insane I am not a "this words a nonoterm" I reclaim that term but reclaiming is only for self, they tried to weaponize their identity(something multiple others noted about your message) to make it out like the behaviour was ok. As I have explained many times, using crazy insane etc as synonyms for wild ridiculous or other terms is harmful. They wanted me to make them feel better because it upset them that I said "chat lets not use casual sanism" after deleting a message they sent. Something I have done many many times, including to friends, no one else has ever had this issue minus one person who called me the r slur after that, and them. If a general statement about bigotry upsets you, maybe ask yourself, why did that general statement feel like an attack on you?

They then tried to frame that as me doing some big call out of them, when it was a general statement to everyone, then they tried to frame me not doing what they wanted as me, and I am quoting here, "beating up on [them]." Now personally I think using such loaded language is pretty unequal to the situation, and especially using that language about a trans woman, it is extremely questionable behaviour. They throughout the conversation, after provoking me, tried to frame me as an aggressor and as violent. Tried to play victim of a fight they picked for no reason. This is transmisogyny.

They recognized multiple times that their messages were probably going to be received poorly, but their priority was trying to get me to make them feel good. And they were mad that I wasnt willing to play that game.

People expect me to be nice because they feel entitled to me taking care of their feelings because I am a trans woman. Big surprise I made a whole video specifically about how I am no longer doing that because of how people treat me if I do(its the Nimona video).

My patience is not infinite. I am a human being. Not an object for your gratification.

There is endless prodding and poking I am subjected to 24/7 and if I respond with even an ounce of disdain for it; then I am mean and evil. So fuck it I'll be the monster you want to make of me. You wanna fuck around with me, YOU WILL FIND OUT. I am not patient and nice most of the time because that is what I am naturally, I am patient and nice as a choice most of the time because I spent most of my life fighting, violently, to survive, and I really dont like being angry or rude even to people who are actively hurting me. But sometimes yeah no my little traumatized brain is done.

As a final point, you don't know creators just because you know our creations. Anyway @swolesome can corroborate everything I am saying.

Just got a ludicrously shitty dm on Tumblr from someone whos just so upset because I told them not to throw around casual sanism in a live chat. So let me be clear about something; I do not give a shit about your feelings when you are saying things that upset and make a space feel unsafe for others.

[itsclydebitches]

OFMD Party Drabble #6

Prompt: Man vs. Self

Yes I’m still doing this series WHO CAN STOP ME MUHAHAHA anyway here’s Part One and Two.

Edward was his own worst enemy and after thirty years of putting up with the fucker’s nonsense, Izzy was this close to strangling him.

Of course, he’d been saying that for thirty years, so.

Just text him you absolute, utterly deranged sHITSTAIN

Izzy’s fingers flew across the keyboard of his phone. To his left a woman with a baby snuck a look at his ill-tempered texting, whatever expression he’d contorted his face into, and determinedly stood to find another seat. Izzy pressed ‘send’ with the vicious satisfaction of a warrior descending with his sword.

The reply was immediate:

thats not a nice way to talk to your boyfriend :(

YOU’RE NOT GONNA HAVE A FUCKING BOYFRIEND ANYMORE IF YOU KEEP DOING THIS TO ME, EDWARD

you dont mean that 😭😭😭 i just dont know what to say!!! i mean shit Iz he’s a fancy-pants museum curator and i’m slinging burgers all day. how the fuck do i even start that conversation? ‘hi hello i know Iz and he says youre cute wanna go on a fucking date with us’?????

Izzy resisted the urge to lean forward and bash his head against the pole. He didn’t even know where to begin with that. The fact that Edward had never lacked words in his entire, chatty life? That his job was far from just ‘slinging burgers,’ given that Blackbeard’s Bar & Grill was a multi-award winning restaurant with a Food Network spot and a legion of devoted customers? That Izzy had not once, ever, said that Bonnet was cute?

The fact that ‘disgustingly adorable’ might have been a better descriptor was entirely beside the point.

Originally, Izzy had intended to text Bonnet himself, act as the bridge between him and Edward’s rather... unique personality — though he suspected that these two were weird enough that they’d get along like a house on fire. He’d cooled his heels for a day after that absurd miscommunication, got wrapped up in running the restaurant, and then by the time the weekend had rolled around, Edward had decided that he wanted to reach out himself. Great! Less work for Izzy to do.

Except then the idiot had decided he was too chicken to pull it off, leaving them in a weird fucking limbo where Izzy vaguely feared for his life. That Lucius boy might just have been insane enough to follow through on his threats and that was not the kind of Wednesday morning Izzy was looking to suffer through.

Yes, he texted back. Say that exactly.

Iz i can’t say that!!

Sure you can. Put me out of my misery, Edward.

so mean. meanest. meanie. mean-pants :( :( :(

Actually, he should just screenshot all this and send it to Bonnet. Either he’d would fall hopelessly in love with the man like, god help him, Izzy had, or he’d run for the proverbial hills. At this point either option sounded wonderful.

Fuck, but he needed more coffee.

Izzy was just considering whether it was worth getting off a stop earlier and walking the rest of the way to work so he could stop by Ivan’s cafe when a thread of conversation — previously indistinguishable from the rest of the tube’s background noise — hit him like a fucking freight train.

“Hasn’t changed a bit! Wee Baby Bonnet looks like he’s ready to piss his pants...”

Izzy shut his eyes. Surely the world wasn’t populated by acquaintances of Stede Fucking Bonnet, all of whom ended up on his morning route? That was insane. Incomprehensibly annoying. Izzy hadn’t exactly been a saint throughout his life, but did he really deserve this?

Then again, how many people in the city had a predominantly French surname that, depending on its origin, might just derive from a synonym of ‘attractive’?

Sometimes he fucking hated his linguistics degree.

The man who’d spoken sat across from Izzy, just a few seats down, and after a double-take he realized that he didn’t need his eyes checked (again), they were just identical twins. Smarmy looking guys if you asked him, but then Izzy couldn’t exactly throw stones when it came to appearances.

He should ignore it. Really he should. Edward was waiting for a response, Ivan’s coffee was calling, and if he got off now there might even by a blueberry muffin in his future.

Ignore it, Izzy told himself firmly. Just leave, take the scenic route for once —

— and then the cries of ‘Baby Bonnet’ grew louder, accompanied by laughter that was too familiar to ignore.

Izzy closed his eyes and cursed. You sentimental twat.

“Hey.”

The twins looked up, the mirth dying in the face of Izzy’s expression and — while not towering figure — definitely threatening as they sat and he stood, leaning menacingly into their space. So he couldn’t discourage a flirty asshole half his age, but he could still intimidate some identical goons. Good to know.

“Lemme see,” Izzy said and snatched the phone before either could protest. Sure enough, there was Stede, those curls and a bright blue suit — good god with teal lapels? — absolutely unmistakable, even as whoever was filming shook with laughter of their own. It looked like Stede was getting reamed out by some visitor, his hands held up in awkward surrender, protests inaudible against the woman’s yelling. The video ended when she threw whatever was in her takeaway cup across Stede’s shirt. He stumbled back, landing on his ass — hands flying up towards his eyes. Whatever it was had been hot.

What a waste of a good drink. Thank god the suit was ruined.

Izzy wanted to bash that woman’s head in.

He kept his expression neutral as he handed the phone back, the twins sharing wary glances.

“You know that idiot?” Izzy asked — and the smiles bloomed again, identical.

That was all he needed.

“Oh yeah,” the one on the left said, digging himself a deeper hole. “Baby Bonnet was in prep with us. Total fucking pushover.”

“Thought he’d be dead by now,” the one on the right picked up. “Or committed somewhere. Ran him off of Facebook a few years ago, he dropped off the map, but then this gem popped up on Reddit — ”

“I’m sorry,” Izzy interrupted. He removed his jacket and laid it carefully over a nearby seat. The black shirt underneath was rolled to the elbows.

“Sorry?” they echoed.

“Not you,” Izzy sneered. He quickly caught the gaze of everyone else in the car, their attention drawn to the growing electricity in the air. The woman with the baby sighed and got up to leave. Izzy inclined his head at her retreating back.

Then he slammed his fist into the first twin’s nose.

They even went down the same, all bloody spurts and pathetic whimpers. Izzy might not have been as young as he once was, but it would take a lot more than these weak fucks to provide a challenge. Back-alley brawls and two decades of fencing had given him the reflexes of a cat and Izzy’s blood sang at the whoop of approval a few seats down. That’s why he was doing this. It was good to expend the energy on occasion.

It had absolutely nothing to do with Bonnet’s stricken expression in the vid.

When he was done and the twins had fled, with very pretty pictures painted for them about what would happen if the cops got involved, Izzy dabbed his knuckles with an old napkin and rearranged his clothes. The dude who’d whooped finished recording — because everyone recorded everything nowadays, the fucking degenerates — and shot him a small, hesitant smile. Izzy whistled him over.

“Send that to me,” he said, rattling off his number.

Izzy had long since passed his stop, but that was okay. If he was going to be late, might as well be late with a halfway decent breakfast. As he re-planned his route, Izzy attached the vid for Edward, easily imaging the glee on his face when he saw it.

“Had worse mornings,” Izzy acknowledged, pulling up his texts.

Stop being a self-sabotaging twat, you TWAT. Send this to Bonnet with my regards. If we can fight for him, we can sure as fuck invite him to dinner.

[yurtletheturtlehenderson]

i just wanna talk to someone abt this because i trust u and ppl on tumblr actually freak me out and scare me so…hear me out. im not at all opposed to byler and im not homophobic bc i dont particularly ship it as much as others. yes i do ship it some amount, but the only thing that worries me is homophobes. being a queer person in a homophobic family is reallt hard and u have to learn to grow with a fear of them hating u. im just afraid of how ppl will take it if byler is canon. again i am not against the ship. that being said i am a girl who simps over will byers and i adore the y/n x will dynamic they have. just wanted to tell someone bc a lot of ppl on this sight would call me homophobic and stuff over this

Aw honey... of course it's okay. And I'm sorry things have been like this. I totally get it. What's not okay is a fandom getting so protective over their ships they make people of afraid of not shipping something enough. (Long but necessary rant ahead. Sorry, but its worth it)

I'm gonna lose a lot of people here, and likely cause they don't want to read to the end to hear all I have to say, but here goes: I don't particularly ship Byler either. When most people hear this statement they immediately equate it with the statement "I don't think Will is gay and neither is Mike" (I feel like this is true for most queer ships, or just shipping culture in general?).... this could not be more wrong. For one, nobody ever immediately knows why someone ships something (and a lot of times, the person themselves don't understand/realize why they subconsciously pick to a specific pairing and cling to it so tightly) and while it's completely understandable to have become defensive, say, because you feel as though your own identity is under attack, it's so easy—natural even—for people to snap into survival mode and try to defend themselves. But as we've seen, this can, in the right circumstances, also feed the pre-existing cycle of offense and defense that is far too long and philosophical a discussion to dive into here and now.

No, for now I wanna just reiterate that just because someone admits to not being particularly hyper-enthused by a specific ship—yes, like Byler—doesn't mean they automatically hate it. I don't particularly campaign for Mileven either! I've been persuaded by both in the past, but I've never found myself at point where I'm making fan accounts surrounding the ship, pumping out content 24/7, and I certainly haven't felt compelled to bash anyone who ships the other. But ya know what? I will say, and I bet im not alone here, the more I encounter Mileven content/space OR Byler content/space, the more I'm driven away. Why? The fucking shipping wars.

Byler and Mileven shippers, hard-core super-shippers specifically speaking, are some of the most toxic fans I've ever encountered. Is it every one? No!! But most. Most. The most extreme ive heard/seen is horrific. I'm talking death threats, suicide baiting, doxing, constant harassment and just overall borderline cyberterrorism. It's fucking unacceptable. And the underlying theme here and why there's so much fear spreading throughout fandom spaces. Why someone felt the need to limit contact and come to someone they claimed to trust to anonymously admit they aren't frothing at the mouth for one of these aforementioned ships. (Thank u btw for feeling u could trust me) This is not okay!!! People have to see how wrong this is!!! Right?? Right?!

I have no idea how much people will respect all this considering the source: a 21 year old reader insert writer who dedicates most of her time to writing teenagers into the plot of stranger things with Will Byers as their love interest (yes, specifically fem presenting/ she/her pronoun users). So no, I wouldn't blame anyone for hearing me say the words "I'm not a big byler shipper" and assume it has anything to do with that. But I'd hope that anyone who knows me, or is at least willing to hear me out, will understand that I have stated many times (and likely will again cause im a ✨️repetitive bitch✨️) that when I was a teenager, I was going through the absolute worst years of my life. Like, it warmed me up the for 2020s, that's how bad it was for me. And the only thing that got me through (likely without falling into what I believe would have become some incredibly dangerous habits) was falling into a world I could completely disappear into and forget my own shitty world existed.

I found this series called The Maze Runner, fell absolutely in love with the books and the world and bought every copy I could get my hands on. And when that wasn't enough, I looked for every blogspace I could get my hands on. Enter tumblr. Not even five minutes into my new account and searching the maze runner tag do I find a short little story called an "x reader". I literally cried. I was so fucking alone cause, and I'll tell yall, in the span of 15 months, I put down my dog of 11 years, lost my great-grandmother, then my grandpa, then my great grandfather, and then my grandmother. I had reason to believe I would suddenly lose my best friend to depression, and then to top it off my parents got divorced. Granted things have definitely gotten brighter, but little 14 year old me was no where near a healthy state of mind, or body and stumbling across something that not only let me disappear from my collapsing world, but surrounded me in love and encouragement, no matter how corny or silly, by the characters I had fallen in love with was an indescribable experience. This. This is precisely why i write. If theres even a chance i can provide that for you, and God, in the 2020s of all time to be a teenager, than i want to. I want to pay it forward.

That being said, I'd also hope one would understand while things were on the mend, I wasn't fully recovered by the time stranger things came out and i decided to write for it. The grief and trauma was one thing but, another thing you guys might know about me if you've been following me for a while is in the past, I've struggled severely—and still do a great deal—with compulsory heterosexuality. And honestly, a little internalized homophobia I think. It's stuff I work on daily, and it's stuff, I'd be willing to bet, a lot more people deal with than you'd expect. It's for this reason, that I suspect hilariously enough, me a deeply closeted lesbian while planning an x (at the time fem!)reader rewrite for younger kids to escape into, was faced with the choice of a love interest and subconsciously chose one of the only semi-canonically gay male characters available. Yes, essentially, in my own comphet riddled brain, I subconsciously gave both the (fem)reader and Will Byers my own comphet.

But guess what? Characters evolve as the story evolves and that rings true for COSMIC. I wish I had stories back then that casually explored sexuality outside the confines of cisgender heterosexuality in a safe, fun, encouraging way. I also wish I had stories that led you down one story with one character only and suck you in only to change and evolve if needed to say, an opposite sex or nonbinary character as the new love interest and being able to do so cause the love interest was never THE PLOT in the first place. It certainly would have helped speed things along I think, and even if I wasn't its healthy to try things out/consider before saying, ya know I think this still feels right, I'm good! And that's okay!

I deeply deeply appreciate anyone who read this far. I completely understand how much i tend to blather and granted i didnt plan on going into the specifics of my childhood trauma but i felt it necessary info as to why on earth im preaching gay Will while i currently have a Will x fem!reader on my page (Again, dont worry. Im not about to disrespect/erase anything likely to come in s4, nor have is this is a sudden thing in COSMIC) and seemingly shitting on ships. Again, it's the over intense shippers, not the ships themselves and overall lack of byler content that failed to get my attention.

In conclusion, yes, I don't particularly ship Byler much like you dear nonnie, but anyone who automatically thinks that statement makes us homophobic really needs to take a step back and perhaps consider taking a break from public fandom space. If you as a byler OR mileven shipper feel confronted at every corner to a point you're jumping down others throats, you need to take a break from the internet. Draw your ship, write some fanfic if you still want to engage in fandom activities offline but take a break from the internet and prowling for any throat to jump down.

Blech. Rant over. I kinda accidentally combined it with the pre season 4 premiere disclaimer for Cosmic and how and why I have a will x reader with a fem reader copy and how that's going to be affected by s4 so that's prob why it's so long but I don't regret it. The point is, this is and always will be a safe space for fandom enjoyment and just hanging out and the last thing I want here is someone to be feel afraid or threatened in any way. I love you all so much and wish nothing but amazing things for you all. And thank you again, dear nonnie, for trusting me. It means a lot.

💕💕💕 - Yurtle

[stoneworldsimp]

what’s mine is not yours —a request

platonic senku x reader

warnings: swearing, anxiety, talk of insecurities and worries, gender dysphoria

your name!

your name!

YOUR NAME!

your hands slapped to your ears, eyes shut tight. i can’t take this so early in the morning.

the voices from your dream had lingered longer than you would have liked. it reminded you it was time to face another day, to endure another long long day and night of hearing the wrong things.

maybe if i went and lived on my own again…i wouldn’t have to deal with it—no. senku needs me. he needs me…what does he need me for again? you rolled onto your stomach; your pillow rustled as you flopped it on top of your head. he doesn’t need me. i’d rather be lonely than hear everyone say some bullshit about me.

everyone in the village knew you as a miss. yuzuriha made you more neutral clothes upon request, but everyone assumed you were tomboyish. luckily, no one read more into it; it was nice to dress comfortably, but it was like no one else understood. why were they still calling you a girl? and the older folks, you knew they meant well! but you couldn’t help but feel like their constant “sweet girl”s were making fun of you at this point.

i can’t do it, i can’t do it, they’re making fun of me right now, as i think. as i exist!

you felt a tear trickle down the side of your nose.

oh, you’re kidding. crying? again? is this—

a knock on your door halted your thoughts; you quickly flipped back and sat up in your bed on the ground of your hut, and wiped your face quickly. you lightly slapped your cheeks to stop yourself from continuing crying.

“yeah.”

“it’s me. can i come in?”

senku’s voice brought some sort of relief; personally you felt it was better for him to come in at such a time than anyone else.

you took a deep breath. “sure, but i just woke up. i’m staying under my blanket.”

senku laughed behind the door. a small shove was made and it opened, revealing a quite chipper senku. he liked to come early in the morning when the rest of the village was quiet.

his smirk faltered once he saw your face. you believed you hid your crying well; you didn’t think to check your red eyes or stinging cheeks.

“what’s wrong?” he asked, his words much gentler than when he asked to come in.

damn. how could i not realize i was so obvious?

with a deep breath, you whispered, “senku.. we’re pretty good friends, right?”

he snickered. “of course we are, way more than that asshole gen.”

his voice was closer. you laughed as well, and wiped your eyes clear. he slowly walked over and sat down on the floor next to you. senku was looking at you, really looking at you; it was intense, almost if he was making sure his closeness or anything about his presence wasn’t bothering you.

“okay…i’m about to say a lot of stuff. let me know if you need me to explain more, or if i’m talking too much. or—“

your words halted as senku put a hand on your shoulder, a smile light on his face. “all ears.”

you smiled back softly. “okay. so—back in..our time,”you gestured between the two of you with your hands, “i told my family and friends i was, uhm… nonbinary. like i don’t feel male or female, i use they/them pronouns; all that good stuff. still feel that way now. and, for quite some time, they didn’t believe me. not in a direct ‘you’re lying’ way, but more of ‘i don’t understand it therefore you shouldn’t understand it’ type of thing. i got a lot of shit from people who weren’t my friends, too. but with my friends’ support and getting more confidence after coming out, my parents were able to kinda see it. but yeah, it took quite some time. probably like.. eight months? even then, i had to remind them constantly, ‘not a daughter. please don’t call me she or he. please don’t call me a woman.’ but we were getting there. and right when we got petrified, right when it happened, i saw the look on my mom’s face.

“we were talking about me and my identity and it was like something had clicked in her brain. like, she knew exactly what i meant and how i felt when i said what it meant to be nonbinary. i don’t even remember what i said specifically, but i remember her expression as if she were standing in front of me right now. i was so hopeful i’d see her again, her expression got me through my petrification and even helped me break out of it. but of COURSE, i didn’t ever see her again after i woke up. and then i almost lost my own sense of self after being by myself for probably a year.. i was under the assumption i’d never meet another person again, so when i did run into your village—i had this gross feeling of dread. and i realized it was the same feeling that basically lived inside of me before i came out.”

you sat up straighter and looked away from senku. “it’s like, i have to rebuild my identity all over again. people always say you shouldn’t care about what other people say, but i can’t help it. i’m a sensitive person. i get hurt easily, no matter how hard i try to thicken my skin. they all, they all just use ‘she’ and ‘her’ and ‘that girl’ so often, it feels like they’re making fun of me, like they’re constantly telling me i’m not who i say i am. and i can’t tell them senku, being nonbinary was confusing for so many people in our time, i hardly believe they’ll understand it now. sure, my parents were fine, but it took a while before they got it. i can only imagine how long it’ll take for everyone here.”

senku was quiet. have you over explained yourself? was it too overbearing? in all honesty you’d only been good friends with senku a short while; you should have waited at least a little bit longer before letting him in on something so personal—

“it all, it all kind of makes sense now.”

huh?! “what?”

“what you told me, i think i get it now.”

you gave him a look up and down. it was possible, but you didn’t think there was much of a chance that senku would be so..cool with it. not right away. you expected some form of silent treatment for at least a day or two, so he could collect his own thoughts.

“i’m gonna say something, and i need you to listen. yeah?”

you stared at him like your brain short-circuited. what the fuck is he gonna say to me.. oh god, he doesn’t wanna be friends anymore. but he’ll be too nice to kick me out of the village. but it is his village—

“hey, hey…are you with me?” you both sat facing each other now, and his hands rested on your shoulders.

just hear him out. “yeah. all ears.”

he smoothed your shoulders with his thumb. “you’re just as valid as everyone out there. i know you’re scared, but believe me when i say they will not be mocking you in any way. sure, it might take a while for them to understand, but theyre not going to give up just because they dont get something right away. it took me a few months to fully convince this village i could help them, and even then, there were still a few who didn’t fully understand the experiments and contraptions i made until a while later. i know that isn’t the same as your situation… but what i’m trying to say is that they will try their best to know you, the real you. they aren’t going to mock you; if anything, they’ll have lots of questions to ask you.

“also, you have me, you have gen to help out in case you don’t have the capacity to answer everything yourself. i’ve a few things about gender before the stone world, and gen definitely knows a lot of things that are relevant to it as well.

“everyone here… they’re all so eager to learn, i highly doubt they’ll be unaccepting. they’ll be curious. and they’ll be happy you’re letting them in on something that is so important.”

tears had made their way down your face and on your clothes halfway through his mini-monologue; you didn’t notice him continuously wiping them away until he was finished. “it’s going to be okay. trust me.”

with a quiet sob, you pushed yourself into his arms for a hug.

“thank you.”

you knew he wasn’t particularly one for any type of physical contact, but he gladly accepted. for the occasion, he thought. his arms slowly wrapped around your slightly shaking body as you tried to calm down. neither of you spoke for a few minutes; only your soft sniffles were heard in the hut.

“senku, i think that was the most i’ve heard you talk about something that wasn’t directly related to science,” you laughed into his neck.

he laughed back. “i had a lot saved, since there were moments i could tell you were kind of uncomfortable. i didn’t want to force you into talking about it either, so i just waited. tried to figure out what i was going to say. it had to be good.. you are one of my closest friends, after all.”

both of you embraced each other a little tighter. “i hope all of this helped, i want you to live here with none of those worries. especially after so many months of having it bottled inside.”

you nodded in response.

today.. today will be the day i tell everyone not to use what they used to call me; that won’t do at all anymore.

today, i’ll tell everyone my name.

[makiema]

finally finished writing about how much stormbringer enhances the skk dynamic which was at a nascent stage in Fifteen and anticipates the developments which happen later and culminate in Dead Apple where the faith they have in each other is absolutely remarkable! the fact that i said i’d do this in a few hours yesterday but it took me like 24 hrs to finish i have an attention span of a whole 2 minutes 💀

my favorite thing about stormbringer is that it actually builds up on the concepts/themes introduced in Fifteen so it's a glimpse into what has changed in dazai and dazai & dhuuya after one year of being together. As much as it's about chuuya confronting his past and his identity this is also about dazai’s development from who he was in fifteen. chuuya and rimbaud both left their marks on dazai and in Stormbringer we see him, actually trying to emulate or follow in a sense a way of life, that chuuya and rimbaud represented. Stormbringer is not just about chuuya, abt his test of humanity, or he coming in terms with who or what he is. it's about dazai too. it's about dazai developing or at least attempting to develop what he calls “boyish”/ “ordinary” in Fifteen. its not about chuya having an identity crisis. in fact what we understand from Code 04's last section is that chuuya never considered it as his crisis and neither did dazai. so to dazai “saving chuuya is important, human or not doesn't matter” and when dazai gives chuuya time to think abt what the operation will cost him chuuya doesnt so much as flinch form his purpose. This goes on to show unlike verlaine he doesnt care about memory and certainly doesnt consider it as the only determinant of someone being human. He cares more abt yokohama and his friends and in that, in caring abt his “family”, he is just as human as the next person. whether he’s factually human or not comes secondary to his desire to save people. This is a message that the quality of being human has more to do with embodying human qualities or humanity than having memories and lineage. so yeah stormbringer is essentially about embracing humanity but this happens on 2 levels: both chuuya and dazai embrace humanity. Going back to the boyish or ordinary bit, im talking abt this segment:

here dazai is shocked because he assumed everyone “gangsta” and everyone crazy powerful delighted in homicide, in deliberately indulging in the macabre. but he is proved wrong. He logically concluded that anyone with power more than average and belonging to the underground would kill people and delight in that because it’s a given they lack any kind of moral understanding. To that end, they’d be exalted at the prospect of relentlessly shooting a dead body, mutilating it and dishonoring it. The mafia code (any general mafia code) works in a way where honor and death goes hand in hand. So only the lowest of the low would do that to a dying person, who even when faced with certain death is loyal to his own organisation. This really shows that even within the mafia dazai is the only person whos like the devil incarnate. So yeah dazai at this sate far lower than even a mafia member. But chuuya who actually embodiess the mafia code and is incredibly loyal to his organisation and “family” [ putting family in quotes bc he himself calls his friends family 🥺] ofc kicks the gun away. From dazai’s pov chuuya being as insanely powerful as he is should also do the same. But chuuya comes along and suggests that even enemies should be shown respect where it’s due. And that is what an ordinary person, oblivious to mafia life (mafia life as in waht dazai makes of it) thinks. So in undermining the binary between “ordinary” and “mafia” chuuya proves that being mafia doesnt necessarily mean selling your soul to the devil and giving up the last smidge of humanity. In fact by embodying qualities like compassion and kindness and mutual respect, you can make the mafia a better place for yourself and for the other members. Now in Stormbringer, we see how this affected dazai. here dazai is introduced as someone mercilessly killing to set up the channel. 

Now to expand the channel one would need to keep doing it right? To mercilessly kill ppl and stuff but instead what he does is hand the channel over to chuuya bc he knows chuuya wouldnt handle it like him. im not suggesting that dazai miraculously becomes v good or anything with dazai the key words is “try” or “to some extent” like in Fifteen when Chuuya asks “do u wanna live” he’s like “ not to that extent”. similarly its not to say he doesnt kill people anymore. it is that he tries to lessen the number of casualties by handing over one of the most troublesome channels to chuuya who would manage it in a much more humane way. That dazai draws from his friends/at least tries to is smth we’ll see again later on when he deals with akutagawa. He talks about odasaku and ofc its baffling to him that a mafia member as powerful as him would be taking acre of orphans. and dazai says but he cant afford to be that kind and proceeds to shoot akutagswa but again does so in a calculated way such that he doesnt end up killing him ( im NOT justifying dazai’s abuse not at all im just saying that its hard to believe he coincidentally knew the exact no of bullets that aku could block. and had odasaku’s words and his way of life not been in the back of his mind he could’ve ended up killing aku) coming back to chuuya and dazai we also see him avoiding further conversation on the jewelry channel thing as he says “leave that for now”. He does a similar thing again when mori brings up the concept of double suiciding with chuuya.

 Its a HUGE thing for him to digest that him suiciding would inevitably spell the doom for chuuya. this puts an unimaginable responsibility on him. And he avoids further discussion on this. Now we know dazai is the rambly type. Even in the most dire moments he goe son with his LOONG monologues so really he is the last person who’d avoid a conversation but he deliberately does it in these 2 instances because its hard for him to grasp these things. That he can go against his nature and do a conscientious thing by handing over one of the most grisly channels to chuuya (i dont think dazai’s nature is evil. Or even if it is, its a a social construct keeping in mind the war ravaged times or its mori’s construct because he does exploit dazai to the hilt. but dazai ofc thinks of himself as non-human, devious. perfectly devilish...etc.) And also the fact that someone as suicidal as him is actually responsible for the life of someone else is really too much to take in. a whole 10 seconds pause indicates just how much he was thrown off when mori opened his eyes to the reality of things: if he dies, chuuya inexorably dies as a consequence. also i dont think the “wow” here or the next bit :

is something jokey. if it was like haha double suicide with chuuya is the worst haha wanna do it w pretty lady kind of a deal. that pause would have been unnecessary. dazai’s immediate reaction would’ve been whining and shit. the use of “froze” too implies the gravity of the situation. so ofc what is “wow” is how much meaning his life has for someone else. and for some so much....better than him. and what is unacceptable is this sad, sad truth that his life (to which he ascribes no value) would be so inextricably linked with someone else’s and hold so much meaning to them. it is like when a suicidal person at the brink of suicide understanding his life is not his own. his life and death holds consequences for ppl surrounding him. so both of these are huge things to grasp and at both these times dazai is visibly shaken up so much so that he doesnt want to do his favorite thing- ramble in a condescending tone. smth he does in so many instances. this really is a testimony to the fact that things are changing in him. the redemption process has begun. he’s no longer the kind of maniac he was before he encountered chuuya. when zuko underwent his transition in atla he was so shaken up after one (1) right decision he had a fever. i think this is true for anyone who’s trying to change. change is after all a huge thing for everyone. ofc he’ll be unsettled. so anyways this is proof that he has indeed come a long way from being someone who revelled at the prospect of meaningless bloodshed.

now coming to the concept of love he assumes he’d get sick of love and die:

and that death is the singular goal worth chasing after because it makes you feel more alive/get a fuller picture of what living entails. but here he is erring by supposing love is something that’ll bore him/have no meaning. and it cant provide him that “something” he’s looking for. at this point he hasn’t loved so he doesnt know whether he’ll be sick of it or if it'll have no impact. And yet he’s morose and regretful. this is a kind of self-imposed constraint hes putting on himself. he cancels out the v idea of love because hes convinced it isnt worth it. he hasnt even been in love okay scratch being in love that sounds romantic and i really dont mean love in a romantic sense here...its just love. in general. any form is cool. anyway so dazai is not familiar with any kind of love. He is entirely alien to the concept. he doesnt even know what a friend/partner is so he doesnt know what love is. this is cleared out here when rimbaud confesses he did everything for paul and dazai is unconvinced:

chuuya ofc admonishes him and shuts him up for good, he says dazai has no right lookind down upon smth he doesnt understand. he doesnt understand friendship, love. or loyalty. or how important those feelings are at this point. now this situation is turned on its head in stormbringer. but before we go into that let’s look at the message rimbaud had for both of them. ik he specifically asks for chuuya to “live” but there’s purpose behind including both of them in the frame. it’s a message they should both take to heart. and at the end of it its implied both are changed after hearing it:

and in this message the first bit is for chuuya. what he says is basically memory doesn’t make u human... ”you are you” just a frame or not doesnt matter. and even if hes just a frame, he is still beautiful. beauty actually is a v important concept in literature starting right from Plato to Shakespeare. i’d not bring this here but because bsd is so deeply rooted in literature i feel like the reference to beauty, and later on to soul and even warmth and also the universal tone of this message carries some meaning. so the thing is  both Plato and Shakespeare were endorsed the idea of love as a force awakened in the world by beauty which then leads the soul to perfection. so humans and by extension, all life are beautiful frames that can inspire love. this concept is also there in Romantic poetry like Keats and Wordsworth all of them talked about loving beauty in nature and how that can elevate the body mind and soul. so essentially in telling this to chuuya what ehe basically means is that chuuya just by being him, by being a beautiful framework can inspire love and warmth in others and thats a great purpose! how much chuuya understands of this purpose with his one (1) braincell and his low self esteem is questionable but he gets some sense of belonging. now this is a two way relationship so ofc dazai has to be factored in. he comes in the next part: 

these are from 2 different translation so the disparity im sorry ;-; but anyway,  this last part abt the world being a cold place. then paul. then “warmth” is a message to dazai who’s been introduced to us as cold-hearted and having like no bearings of a human being. this is the reason why its important for both o f them to be there. now going back to chuuya being a beautiful framework, the framework can be beautiful in so far as its beauty is appreciate by someone and inspires warmth and love in someone. this again is the whole beauty/beholder nature/the romantic concept that is there in shakespeare and in Romantic poetry where both are a part of a codependent relationship. so what rimbaud implies here is that dazai can have that kind of a relationship with another person (chuuya) just like rimbaud had with paul which makes him warm and the world doesnt feel cold anymore. rimbaud has no regrets about what he did because. so the idea is that dazai and chuuya can share the same dynamic. also after this, the narrative says that their hearts are now changed and wont return to what they were before....and even their souls are refined in a way. but in Fifteen we dont have a concrete proof of how this happened bc the novel ends at this point. Instead, Stormbringer shows exactly how deep the impact of those words is: 

this is the third instance of dazai showing hesitation and once again this has to do with chuuya. the seed of the dynamic that rimbaud was talking about  is already germinating in him. his reactions, his fidgeting, his hesitancy, in response to chuuya’s situation is such a big contrast to his cocksure self when he’s conversing with adam and verlaine. after this of course we have: 

not only does he clearly express his concern but he gives chuuya 2 whole mins to make a decision and based on that he’s prepared to overturn the operation. the success rate of an alternative plan will ofc be lesser than the og one but that doesnt faze dazai. he’s ready to turn the tide for chuuya’s sake and if this is not development idk what is. just a year ago, he was someone to whom the concept of rimbaud going thru all that trouble for his friend was a lost concept. ironically enough, now he finds himself doing something that is along the same lines. he puts chuuya above his mission. to him, chuuya is more important than getting a satisfactory result. another bit that i wanna talk abt is that one controversial section where dazai says he’ll save chuuya, human or not, and then the justification is: 

i think a lot of people got mad bc of this and honestly at first glance i was peeved too. as a chuuya stan some of the shit dazai has done so far did rub me the wrong way. i love skk obv but still those were moments that kind of left a bad taste in the mouth. i’ll discuss them later on bc stormbringer helps allay that feeling. coming back to the “i wanna see chuuya suffer” part firstly context is important. ofc someone like dazai cant be expected to be upfront about his feelings with ppl (or AI) he barely knows. so what be relays to adam, is only partly true and its actually a kind of a twist in concept. the things is, and this is  smth dazai knows all too well is that ppl suffer simply on account of being human. human suffering is brought on because humans, by virtue of being humans, feel. so when he says he’s willing to acknowledge chuuya as human despite what N and Verlaine said he’s already admitting that chuuya suffers. so there is really nothing “new” to see for him. he knows chuuya suffers already and he does too because they’re both humans trying to make it thru their messed up lives. also chuuya “ceasing to be human” is a p huge concern for him bc he himself is like that. just like with the suicide thing, it bothers dazai when someone else shares his situation/his fate like as long as his life is his own, he has no problem ending it whenever but the situation is complicated when someone else’s life span is determined by that decision. and similarly, as long as he is “no longer human” its not that much of an issue because he’s like resigned to a doomed fate but someone like chuuya ceasing to be human or worse yet never getting to know if hes human or not are pressing matters. so anyways what he actually means here is that in saving chuuya, he saves someone who suffers just like he does and in their case, even the cause of suffering boils down to a shared psychological conflict: what essentially constitutes being human and if im human or not. now this sharing of pain and suffering is the foundation of forming a connection with someone, which makes life a little better. here again, what rimaud imparted to dazai and chuuya is driven home. also dazai’s key anxiety is not finding meaning/anything. this “anything” can be assumed to be something that justifies life. so all his anxiety and frustration stems from the fact that there really is no discernible meaning to be found in the mechanism of life. so it is an empty pursuit because it is true that nothing can explain why feelings of pain and suffering are exponentially heavier than feelings of happiness or why after getting to experience one (1) free day we’re back to square one where life is grueling. these are questions that really dont have an answer so every time dazai like gazes into the abyss and says he didnt  find anything, he is not so much asking if he’ll ever find anything as swallowing the hard truth that there is nothing to be found, no singular entity exists that can magically justify everything. again drawing upon literature or philosophy more specifically, there’s a concept called Absurdism which says the only philosophical truth so to say is this that life is absurd and looking for meaning is futile. instead what we can do is accept that it is absurd and deal with it in the best way possible, by finding little sources and moments of happiness, and strewing them together so we feel somewhat content. even if it is just for a fleeting second. and this happiness/contentment amidst a wretched life (altho temporal) can be found in friendship, in sharing, and even in having fun with people you’re comfortable with! this is actually why dazai wants to save chuuya and now it may seem like im interpreting his words through the shipping lens but thats not so and it can be corroborated by looking into dazai’s words to odasaku. after chuuya, dazai’s next attempt at friendship was odasaku who he found “interesting”. now when odasaku sort of like threw hands and chose death over having to live a life without the orphans, dazai tried to stop him not by saying stuff like life is good. and things will def change for the better. but instead he admits that living is hard and the sense of void is ubiquitous and yet he doesnt want him to  up and die because then he would be sad. because the little comfort that he got from odasaku and something he probably assumed odasaku also got from him would be gone. [how much odasaku considered dazai a source of comfort remains unclear. in fact the reason odasaku gave up and died was because he did not have this. this feeling of sharing in someone else’s suffering and seeking comfort in friends in the real world. instead he was too vested in his ideal world. his over reliance on an entirely idealistic concept is actually what pushed him over the edge. and this would have been the case for dazai too had he not encountered and sought comfort and companionship in chuuya and eventually in odasaku ] so this again goes on to show how rimbaud’s words changed dazai’s heart. and in a way dazai really has been doing this unconsciously form the v beginning like by teasing chuuya continually in Fifteen. you dont expect someone as cold as him to indulge in friendly bickering and taunting so often but he does. that there is significance and even happiness in that is something he learns over time, after rimbaud’s words to him. although these things seem futile on the surface they give a moment’s respite. so although chuuya spinning dazai on a rope in stormbringer might seem weird to everyone, they still serve a purpose:  

what shirase puts forward is particularly relevant here because neither dazai nor chuuya is fully aware of the extent of their feelings (or even what those feelings are like they dont know what label to put. so typical oblivious lovers) for each other or what they stand to gain just by driving each other nuts but there is something intangible but satisfying to be felt. a kind of contentment that helps him continue. one day at a time. there is no one great “thing” that can make him like wake up one day feeling like he doesnt want to die ever again. but again like i said before, the key word for dazai is “extent” so, these little things to some extent contribute to a sense of fulfilment which helps him keep death at bay. thats why he’s bent on saving chuuya bc he knows they can share in their suffering and make life better for each other. its not like he wants chuuya to suffer. chuuya will suffer nonetheless like every other human. but in suffering together there is something to be found so he doesnt want him to cease being human. 

this covers more or less the intertextuality between Stormbringer and Fifteen. i just wanna talk a bit more about a couple other moments in Stormbringer that i feel are p important because they put some things in the series in perspective and also made the dead apple moment 10x more emotional 🥺 one thing that really strikes me is the absolute fanon level of comfort that dazai and chuuya share in Strombringer. its like scenes form k-drama lol. 

so yeah this stuff. compare this with dazai’s reaction @atsushi when he drops im not saying that its not just a joke and that what im saying should be the right way to look at this contrast. its not like that at all. but what this does is give an estimate to the readers just how close and comfortable dazai feels when its chuuya. and this plus everything i rambling on abt for so long also gives us an estimate about the sincerity of dazais feelings. now 2 things always bothered me : the fact that dazai actually left chuuya and the fact that after the fight against lovecraft he actualy deserted him (this again can ofc be construed as just a humorous bit but still it did leave a bad taste in my mouth) dazai leaving the mafia is ofc something he had to do to fulfil oda’s dying wish but it still dint sit right with me that he would abandon chuuya. just like oda levaing is harder on dazai, dazai leaving is harder on chuuya. its always harder on the one left behind. so anyway, these sorts of things sometimes made me doubt dazai’s feelings but now that stormbringer clears it all up i do think there is a larger motif at work here. when mori offers dazai to come back to the mafia in s2 we see him saying that it was mori who kicked him out and that he did so because he was afraid dazai would usurp his position. so he set it up in a way that dazai would be forced to leave but on his own accord. now more than usurpation i believe what mori really did fear is that dazai had no allegiance to the mafia (which is actually true) bc he doesnt have that sense of loyalty and that to him his friends were more important than swearing allegiance to mori. (which again is true). so by getting oda killed, the message that mori seemed to be giving out was if dazai didnt leave he would do it again. and if we consider ango’s betrayal which had already transpired at that point, the one mori would next target to sort of get at dazai would inevitably be chuuya. this is only conjecture but still, i do believe this might as well be true because then it would explain why dazai didnt carry chuuya back to the base after their fight [something he was v comfortable doing in Stormbringer. in fact in the first case he carries chuuya back to the billiards bar and not to the mafia’s base so he could hear albatross’ last words 🥺] its because mori needs to know unlike dazai, chuuya is absolutely loyal to him which regrettably he is. it kinda becomes imperative therefore on part of dazai to make it seem that way to mori. that they really are at each others throats and that dazai is insignificant to chuuya. and that the mafia comes before dazai. (which is not true bc we see chuuya protecting his friend [shirase] while also staying loyal to the mafia in Stormbringer) 

mori also in his own way tries to provoke hostility b/w them like in Dead Dpple when he was all like yeah so dazai is the star and chuuya is merely bait. so it kinda makes sense if dazai left the mafia not only to like do good work but also to protect chuuya from mori. also the fact that chuuya did the same thing— left the Sheep and joined PM to protect Shirase from the mafia makes be believe that my speculation is plausible given all the parallels we find between dazai and chuuya. 

and the last bit is about the brilliant Dead Apple scene and how much added context it gets in light of Stormbringer. 

in this scene dazai first says: “you used Corruption believing in me?” and then the translation is “how beautiful” which is an okay translation but the exact thing dazai said was “nakasetekurerune” which literally is : youre gonna make me cry you know? now my knowledge of japanese is like duolingo level but i do know “nakasete” has to do with crying and “kureru” is used by the receiver to indicate he’s receiving a feeling/object from someone close. so basically chuuya trusting him is something so beautiful that it could almost move him to tears. now lets look at dazai’s intro in Stormbringer:

dazai, being dazai, ofc would be able to tell genuine trust from fealty out of fear so ofc the fact that chuuya has this kind of blind faith in him is overwhelming for him. also stormbringer really expands on the sight effects of Corruption in full detail. its so PAINFUL and to think that chuuya would jump into it right away for dazai’s sake.....no wonder he is so soft when deactivating him. and then he proceeds to flirt for a little bit with the Snow White and the kiss of life reference. but this flirting doesnt seem even a little out of place now. it doesn't feel like smth meaningless or smth that dazai is just saying as a joke. that there is absoluetly no subtext to making a statement like that. instead that kind of flirting feels like smth inspired from a deep, deep familiarity with someone who really shares his heart and soul. when he talks to chuuya abt the problem of not knowing whether he is human or not, it is a problem that is as central to him as it’s to chuuya. not feeling fully reconciled to a human identity is a problem thats fundamental to both of them. I don’t think familiarity gets any deeper than this where you share the exact same psychological problem. so its really wonderful how we can trace the skk development now: what starts out as a crush on part of dazai or not a crush exactly rather, a feeling of perplexed admiration because chuuya is breathtakingly beautiful inside out, eventually gain all these layers and develops into something meaningful where they have so much faith in each other and where they literally help each other live. knowing someone out there shares your exact issue so you’re really not alone in this is perhaps the greatest comfort in the world. also now its clear how both of them would have turned out had they not met each other and had they not taken in rimbaud’s advice. chuuya in his desire to learn about himself and frustration at not being able to do the same would have perhaps spiralled downward and ended up becoming like verlaine. he is his double here after all. and had dazai not seen chuuya up close being the wonderful person he is, he too would have probably ended up developing a god complex and becoming like fyodor. dazai is there to save chuuya literally from dying a monster and chuuya is there to remind him he too can try and mend his ways and embrace his human side. after all chuuya has so much trust him in! (despite him having questionable methods) for both of them, it starts out as an attempt to be more human, then establishing a fruitful partnership, and finally coming in terms with their feelings to some extent. for dazai, he’s comfortable enough to engage in occasional flirting at this point and for chuuya it’s playing along with dazai’s antics (well with the ones he get 💀 pretty boy has half a functional braincell) and openly showing his concern for him. so really by confirming their feelings what strombringer does is enhance the skk development in a way that Dead Apple doesnt seem like fan service anymore. the fact that dazai would casually flirt or be comfortable with chuuya landing on his crotch 💀 all that isnt as ridiculous as it first seemed because stormbringer lays the groundwork and anticipates all the intimate/flirty skk moments that have happened till now and ig will happen again soon. 

[eldritch-composer]

actually was thinking abt that shiki post but got off track so new post for this but im like. thinking about the inherently flawed nature of the entry fee system and like......

the fact that the system is so easily abused by meg cause like. ya okay week 2 neku sure. maybe the thing he cares about most IS shiki at that point. it makes enough sense. rhyme and beat are gone at that point and he just doesnt wanna loose another friend. and week 3? even if he doesnt care about every individual hes never even met that much, hes learning to grow and thats just that many more people he cant talk to. that many more experiences and worldviews that he now can no longer access

but ALSO those things are useful to megumi. week 3 for uh obvious reasons and week 2 i really think he thought that taking shiki would break neku. that it would put himself one step closer to winning bc it would just make neku close himself off that much more. and theres also always something to be said about megumi and his beliefs about the city and how it "should be" and the fact that hes the "conductor" and his greatest weekness is his NEED to be in control of the situation and what other people think and feel BUT thats a post for another time

but what im thinking about here is the fact that entry fees arent even a standardized system its just. something josh decided one day. its not some magical inherent fact of the rg that The Exact Thing You Need To Loose To Grow is taken from you. someone is looking and you and MAKING that decision. even if its josh and he looks into your mind and soul thats..... a pale imitation of getting to know someone. they may never tell you their darkest fears but you get to know what they value and HOW they value it.....

if youre just reaching around and pulling the answers straight out of someone how can you know how its going to AFFECT them once its taken away....

or in other words, what if its less "the thing you value most" or "something whose loss will help you grow" and more "this is just the thing you are thinking about the most right now" and it only ever works MOSTLY by accident. no wonder josh was so disenchanted with the whole thing and never understood cats whole motto and so on.

like shiki i think it is kinda straight forward she was thinking about eri all the time. like yeahhhh she was "jealous" but i think it was less jealous of eri Specifically and more jealous of the simple idea of someone who seems to know who they are. and iirc its shiki who is kinda confused bc shes like. i thought it was a mistake i thought i got what i WANTED instead of loosing something but she realizes eventually that what she values is more a sense of self. and that her having her own sense of self IS more important to her. but the question is did josh or whoever picked her fee KNOW that. or did they just go. hm she spends way too much time working about identity and sense of self and how she feels abt this girl. WELP- and just took that. i think its possible given how everyone (in game) tries to break it down as jealousy when its actually a lot MORE than that.

now iirc theres no definitive word of god answer on what beat and rhymes entry fees are so sowwy if this bit is just . wrong but. its always been my opinion that beats entry fee was rhymes memories and we just Dont Know rhymes fee - bc those memories being lost don't seem to affect her at all. she still knows she had a brother. she doesnt look at beat and get nostalgic and teary eyed without knowing the reason. but it for sure affects beat and NATURALLY the thing he thinks about the most is her regardless. (i also dont know for sure if i think rhymes fee was "her dream" bc beat doesnt even know what it was. and i think he said something abt becoming a skateboarder to show her what having a dream is like? or maybe that was fanon idk fhsjhfjd sooo. idk abt rhyme im Unsure.)

ULTIMATELY what im saying here is that things get kinda interesting if you think of it less as "the entry fee system is designed to force you to face your flaws, and doing so makes you a better person" and more "the entry fee system, while it has its benefits, really only ever works by pure fucking accident and most of the players who succeeded probably would have anyway." like. leave it to spending a week fending for your life to figure out Whats Really Important. entry fee or no, yanno?

[rrasado]

Are you comfortable with uh- doing the obey me demon bros reacting to an MC who has DID having the bros as an introject alter? You dont have to if ur not comfy tho ofc

Which You Are You

I’m telling you all now I am no way experienced in writing about themes like this, nor do I experience this myself/know someone who does, I'm only relying on what I have from research so if you happen to find any offenses, mistakes and or misconceptions please don’t be afraid to tell me so I can fix it! Thank you dears. 💙🌒💙

Mentions of: Mental Illness

When you have Dissociative Identity Disorder: (under the cut)

Lucifer

Whether it was listed in your document in preparation for the exchange program or not. The first born will also be the first one to actually catch on to your condition.

But the How part is a bit...slow even for him. At first it might've started when he'd hear small talk from Mammon his brothers concerning the exchange student. Given your blank nature during first impressions he was not expecting to hear words of comparison between you and him.

Initially he was at least delighted, another responsible figure in the House of Lamentation instead of another person to look after? His wishes have been granted- that is...until he realizes he rarely sees these so called similarities between you two when he himself is with you.

After nitpicking whether he's being pranked by his brothers or you. He'll come to decide that observing you himself will be the best course of action. And in his observations did he find out what's truly at play.

"You humans tend to succumb to all sorts of hindrances... we must tend to this efficiently"

He'll ultimately end up being your personal tracker in some sense, especially with you having alters akkined to his brothers, he's the best at dealing with every single you. He may not voice it as much but he's come to grow a soft spot for you, after all... you make him remember what it's like to deal with his brothers when they aren't busy talking behind his back. A bittersweet mutual benefit noh?

Mammon

If Lucifer wasn't the fastest to catch on, Mammon would've been the next contender. The guy spends the most time with you, so expect him to actually vocally point out the eerily different behaviors you display in different times. Especially when your certain Lucifer alter comes out to scold him.

Only when he ranted to the poor avatar of wrath did he consider that this little quirk of yours might actually be more than just, well...a quirk.

Tries making it a game on which alter is currently out, he's correct 50% of the time. But hey at least he's trying-

Will not hesitate to put any lower level demons at school back in their place for making fun of you.

"OI! Ya'll are just cowards hiding behind the damned walls! Well newsflash you bastards wall can talk!-"

Believe it or not, he'd be the first one to actually get used to your condition. And whe that fact comes to light god- he won't shut up about it. Who else would understand the human most? None other than the great mammon of course!

Leviathan

Levi...surprisingly thought of the possibility the fastest- but he's one of the last ones to actually let it sink in. He probably thought of the possibility because he saw it in an anime once, the main character used their multiple personalities with different powers and- wait he's ranting.

on a more serious note, the only reason he doesn't get the hang of you the fastest is because he kept comparing your alters with character he know, which would sound helpful but- he misses his shot when interacting with you a lot, easily slipping and thinking you're the character and not- you.

But once he does, it's as easy to him as completing a cunning minigame puzzle in a video game. As long as he executes the right keys he'll be fine, right?

Ah levi...that's only if you know which one you're talking to. But when he hears of one alter that oddly acts like him? He'll finally learn how to slowly deal with, himself..?

"Eh? This is like dealing with a mimikyu...hm? ah-"

Overall he's on the "finds your condition dope" side of the spectrum, but that doesn't mean he dismisses the struggles that come with it, he may not be the first person you'd go to when seeking help but when you do...he'll at least open his door for you.

Satan

In his case the only reason he wasn't the first to pin point what's really at play is because he doesn't spend as much time with you as the others. His only basis for making a conclusion are your short morning greetings and when you see each other at the RAD halls.

And since he only has little basis, the realization only strikes him when he hears talk from his brothers how you acted in class with them. Cue to the fourth getting confused because hey you just said good morning to him and you didn't act that way- wait a damn minute..

"I hope this doesn't come too sudden but, would you like to hang out more?"

His hypothesis gets confirmed the more he spends time with you, and unlike the first born, he smartly deals with you via logical reasoning, especially when your more childish alters come out? He'll squint to see any patterns he can concoct counters for in any given situation.

In short, the man is a living breathing clip board of your situation. The others know they can't ask lucifer for advice despite knowing he's the one who absentmindedly deals with you the best, so they turn to the avatar of wrath much to his dismay for insight on you.

Asmodeus

The Avatar of lust is the last to adjust to you, most likely because he doesn't really pay attention to your behavior and mannerisms unless it's posture and if it affects your overall projection.

Deals with it the... least effectively, no asmo you don't- give special clothes and makeovers per alter- though the sentiment is very much appreciated.

Asmo is asmo he'll deal with it in his own style, which again isn't the best way to deal with it but- He's trying, trust me he really is. It shows when he finally gets the tick to ask satan.

And as such expect slow subtle changes with how he treats you, he doesn't wanna make his favorite human uncomfortable! But I think he's the best at relaxing you after a draining experience with one of your more energetic alters.

"Dear you should sit down for a bit- Here let me take care of you"

Depending on where you manifested your disorder from, he'll try to take it slow and easy for you, besides, he knows that there's more to you to unpack, but he's determined to fully accommodate you! no matter which you.

Beelzebub

The way Beel finds out is so odd and yet so unsurprising...and how you may ask? Food.

I meant- with him associating 90 percent of everything with food, he might find out when he takes note of what and how much you eat. He'll have a variety of snacks at the ready, depending how or even if you approach him for some, he'd be initially confused, except for when your alter similar to him comes out. He doesn't question your enthusiasm.

The thing that puts the final nail in the coffin is actually when Belphie points it out to him. He was prepping well trying to not eat food for you when belphie asks him what he's making, he says your favorite food and belphie would grumble how you have so many favorites.

Beel initially dismisses it because hey he has so many favorites to but here he was. But the more he thinks about it the more it connects- which led him to seek none other than the avatar of wrath himself.

"Hey...what are you craving for right now?"

That question doubles as his test for figuring which you is out, depending how and what you answer, his choice of treating you narrows down. Suffice it to say despite being the weirdest method- he's the third one that deals with you the best.

Belphegor

H...he actually accepts it the fastest- despite not being the first to figure it out, he comes into terms with it in the shortest timespan compared to all his brothers.

And just like his twin, he finds out how to deal with you with the most uncanny test- your sleep schedule.

There may be times where you sleep like a log, other nights you stay up longer than the first born. No matter what he'll deal with you to best he can in the moment...assuming he's awake.

He only concerns himself even more when his pillow ended up with you, your alter similar to him opted for that black and white pillow which ultimately ended up with you two napping and sharing said pillow.

"Hng...you're..awake..? How did you sleep..?"

Yes, there may be times he wishes to talk back to mammon's claims of dealing with you the best. but as long as he can interact with whichever you without hitch, he's content.

As I’ve said at the top, please don’t be afraid to tell me any mistakes. I wish to provide without offending nor demeaning anyone. And I won’t mind taking this down if it’s called for, thank you again dears. 💙🌒💙

[thefanficmonster]

Begone

Streamer Gang & Asexual Reader (Gender Neutral)

Warnings: Acephobia, Swearing

Genre: Platonic Fluff, Comfort, RPF (Real Person Fic)

Summary: Having recently come out as asexual, Y/N faces some less than pleasant or appropriate responses in their chat during their stream with the gang. Luckily, they’re not alone in battling the haters this time.

Requested by the lovely Anon who told acephobes to begone, yeah you know who you are hehe. Thank you so much for the request darling! Let’s show these acehobes who they’re messing with! Love, Vy ❤

Boy is this nerve-wrecking or what? Sure, I maybe woke up with a ton of confidence, I listened to motivational and uplifting talks and listened to mood boosting music. I had a healthy breakfast and a cup of coffee. Damn it, I went on a run, all in an attempt to convince myself that dealing with the online world again is but a piece of cake for a badass like me. Well, low and behold, that feeling didn’t last very long. Here I am, chewing my nails off at the though of hopping in the Discord call and Among Us lobby with my friends and starting my stream. It’s not like I’m not expecting my friends and fans to support me - of course I am! I know they’re gonna give me a ton of love and appreciation and support and uplift me no matter what. But then again, there’s still those people who believe me and other people like me to be invalid and broken and whatnot.

Those are the ones I wanna avoid. 

It’s not like their words mean much to me but I simply don’t wanna see em, you know? It’s not only about me - it’s least about me actually - it’s more about all those wonderful people they are insulting when they say shit like that about asexuals and all the people on the ace spectrum. I can’t help but flare up and get angry on the behalf of all my ace friends and even people I’ve never met.

It’s also my first time being directly thrown into the fire instead of getting caught in the crossfire seeing as how I came out to my fandom via a tweet and an Instagram post a week ago, telling my identity’s truth: finally bringing my asexuality to the surface to shine its brightest so I can be be my best and reach for my full potential.

But damn am I afraid to see how everyone took it. 

My friends were quick to jump in and take me offline before I start refreshing my own posts to see the comments under them. Lord knows that without them I would’ve driven myself insane, I’ll forever be grateful for what they did and the lengths they went to to keep me offline and whatnot. One word to give you an idea of how invested they were in this: origami. All of us might as well have been born with two left hands and yet we still tried doing origami. Freaking origami.

Damn do I love my friends.

But now I don’t have sheets of paper and my friends to distract me. I have a fanbase to entertain and another friend group I haven’t talked to in a while. I don’t wanna get any predictions in already so I don’t jinx myself, so I’m just gonna say it’s gonna be...interesting regardless of what happens.

Then again, when is it not interesting when the streamer gang’s involved.

Deep breaths, Y/N. You got this

Listening to that encouraging little voice inside my head, I finally equip my headphones and in one fluid motion turn my camera on, officially starting my stream and unmuting my mic as I hop in the call with everyone.

“Hi guys! Guess who’s returned!“ I exclaim cheerfully, desperate to hide the nervousness of my voice.

“You really missed your opportunity to say ‘guess who’s back...back again’ didn’t you?“ Charlie is the one who greets me first, sounding rather disappointed in me in his usual jokester manner. It’s nice to hear, it makes me feel like nothing’s changed in the week I’ve been gone. Like I’m still the same person to these people. I really am the same, I just now am a lot better version of myself. Almost as though I’ve reached my final form. It feels empowering really. “I’m kidding, I’m kidding.” Charlie laughs again, “Congrats, by the way. You keep proving you can get cooler and cooler.“

“Careful there Charlie, I can only handle so large of an ego.“ I joke back, rolling my eyes playfully as a wide grin spreads across my face, “No, but seriously, thank you so much, man. It means the world to me that you support me.“

“Um, how could we NOT?“ That’s very clearly Rae, “Hun, you are so brave and amazing and wonderful, how could we ever NOT support you?“

“Yeah, we’ll always support you no matter what, Y/N. We’ll always be your friends, through thick, thin and beyond.“ Poki too interferes, her words only making my smile wider.

“Alright, alright, y’all are gonna make me cry and I haven’t even read my chat yet, hold on.“ I say, fanning my face to dry the tears I hope the webcam isn’t spotting, “Darn, you guys are the best. Sorry, give me a sec to gather my composure, I’ll be right back.“

I quickly mute my in-game mic as I turn to my chat where I see the same amount of love and support in the form of comments and emojis flooding in from my viewers. A warm feeling spreads throughout my chest, making me feel the most comfortable with myself I’ve ever felt. The most loved I’ve ever felt. The most seen and understood. To finally be you feels like you are finally really living in this world, not like you’ve been already living in it for God knows how long. It makes me so freaking happy and fulfilled to finally be living as me, as the real me.

Unfortunately, in life, nothing can be 100% pure and good. There’s always at least 1% there threatening to ruin all your happiness you worked so hard to build or obtain. It may be one in a hundred, but fuck it’s powerful and effective.

And in my case it comes in the form of two comments that stick out to my eyes. Acephobic comments saying my identity’s fake, claiming I’m faking it, saying us acephobes are immature creatures who refuse to grow up, or attention whores. Or just saying we’re delusional and in denial, confused about who we are.

I hadn’t even realized I was clenching my jaw and fists but when I do, I slowly relax my muscles and crack my knuckles before addressing the two people who spat out that nonsense.

“Ok, listen here, shooterpro69 and yourmom_lol. For starters, I want to apologize for your ignorance and lack of education on the matter of asexuality. In fact, for you especially, I plan on making an educational video, explaining asexuality to people who need or want to learn more. You, my friends, are in desperate need to be fed some knowledge cause damn, God knows how many people secretly think you’re hella stupid. Not that they’re wrong to think so but anyway. Unless you have anything nice or positive to say, begone from my chat. Actually, when I think about it, begone from every chat. No one needs you polluting their communities with acephobia and hate.“ I say, all spoken in a calm tone despite the boiling anger within me. People who know me well would probably be able to tell I’m fuming underneath the calm façade, but at least I got my message across loud and clear.

“WOO HOO, You tell em Y/N!“ Toast cheers, clapping his hands and whistling as more cheering arises from each my friends, leaving me in a state of mild shock and confusion.

Wait, what?!

“Um, wait, you guys heard that?“ I ask, my eyes darting to thein-game mic symbol that shows an not crossed-off mic, meaning it was enabled during the entirety of my speech.

“Hell yeah we did! You slayed them, Y/N! Damn goddamn!“ Rae whistles too, her enthusiasm wafting over me like a breath of fresh air.

“I second that!“ Corpse joins in, “And remember what we said - we’ll support you through anything. Need to bury an acephobe’s body, we’re the people you should call.” He says, confident as heck.

And I just can’t hold it in anymore - I burst out laughing, doubling over from the intensity.

If I thought I was happy and fulfilled before, this has to be the closest to paradise I’m gonna get on Earth.  All thanks to these wonderful people. Friends are really something else aren’t they: they come into your life - often unexpectedly - and change it completely. Suddenly you’re not alone, you’re not forced to deal with everything and face everything on your own. Someone’s got your back and you’ve got theirs.

Through thick, thin and beyond.

And it’s so fucking amazing.

@maat-the-prescriptive  @simonsbluee  @save-the-sky  @itsminniekat  @hacker-ghost  @bi-andready-tocry  @imtiredaffff  @jazzkaurtheglorious  @hereforbeebo  @fandomgirl17  @chrysanthykios  @maehemscorpyus  @loraleiix  @letsloveimagines  @annshit  @i-cant-choose-a-username-help  @enigmaticmaze  @divine-artemis  @waterlilypat  @idontknowwhatthisisfam  @evi-ka  @classyandfabulous00  @redperson58  @lilysdaydreams @solowheein  @mythicalamphitrite  @axen-gers  @luckygirl144  @nj01  @buddyemily   @the-albino-lioness  @stardream14  @gdhdkfnn  @nomadicgypsyy  @preciousskye  @fluffysuicideunicornsworld  @o-kaelin  @manacharlotte  @awkward-youtube-trash  @lolalee24  @bonky-beerns  @meme-lord-and-savior-sebastian  @strawbrinkofdeath  @teenloves  @tams0527  @browneyespinkhair  @starstruckllamapuppy  @daisychains012  @y0ulooked  @tinytacosuitcaseflap @supernatural-is-my-only-life  @jula-pauline  @melodykitty  @just-that-bi-girl  @crazybutconfidentaf  @lowellshade @alphakees  @bellero  @weallneednamjesus  @starryhanji  @boiled-onionrings  @husherstan  @fockingwhore  @melaningoddessthings  @prettypastelpetals  @haleypearce  @godwhyamiawkward  @y-napotat  @daisychainyoonmin  @little-miss-rebel3  @free-wheelin-bi-sexual  @redmoon261 @darkacademic2  @wiseflamingoqueen  @into-the-end  @namikhai-i  @nastiablr  @thelittleplantlover  @mirktuan  @dont-hyuck @jjk-bunny  @vintagegothlover  @easygoingtheatre  @itsrandombooklover  @miiaivi  @emmybaybee  @befourgolden  @jjk-is-my-shit  @eternalteaaars  @spacebadgerx  @princesslunalight  @acequinn14  @samm48  @misselsbells06 @simp-lykawa  @fo-love  @marishimomura-blog  @therealglenncoco  @cinnamonbun332  @killtherandomness  @sanshinexxxsan  @fee-btheweeb  @press-lay  @cathleenpotgieter16  @jazzydoesstuff  @moonlxghtbay  @forestrain2000  @hyunjinhugs  @blood-of-fandoms  @lovellylies  @ukiyolixx  @simpforhpcharacters  @chrisdylan17  @parkerjisung  @pedernille  @theodonyous  @wineandionysus  @malfoystilinskii05  @morbid-x  @coryisagee  @jessewa26  @scoobydooluver97 @mindintheskies365  @raeanneinwonderland  @indecisive-empanada  @gluttonypalace  @loriane2503  @btsiguess-kpop  @khaoticbunny  @lucidlycactus  @smiithys  @rottenroyalebooks  @kpopgirlbtssvt  @fangirl-tc27  @fr0z3n-1  @notmesimpingfortechno  @shotarosleftpinky  @kunoi-chan  @idk-whats-wrong-with-me  @yikeroonie  @goldenstarofthunderclan  @poetry-and-tea  @ama-do-writing-stuff  @wishbonewolf  @emeraldxhope  @t0xick1tty  @kusuinko  @speakyourselfloveyourself  @sophia902103  @lo-manburg  @classsykittykat  @dmgama  @depressedpuppythatneedscoffee  @btsiguess-kpop  @akaashi-baby  @gun-jong-simp  @geschichtenfee  @yerapotato-wp  @browneyedgirl365  @thysagclub  @sparklycloudnight  @helloatomicshadow  @queentorresstuff @vtte @val-gal  @lucy-bunny17  @aaliyahh0  @katluckybear  @boyleanti  @straybids  @franchesca-791  @cosmicstorm19  @averyisbackinthetrashcan  @aomi-nabi  @xlanawriter  @allensimpsforcorpse  @sunnyrae-cessh  @ladykxxx08  @meowiemari

[supercantaloupe]

okay yeah actually, i’ll bite. i’ve got some of my own thoughts about the unsleeping city and cultural representation and i’m gonna make a post about them now, i guess. i’ll put it under a cut though because this post is gonna be long.

i wanna start by saying i love dimension 20 and i really really enjoy the unsleeping city. i look forward to watching new episodes every week, and getting hooked on d20 as a whole last summer really helped pull me out of a pandemic depression, and i’m grateful to have this cool show to be excited about and interested in and to have met so many cool people to talk about it with.

that being said, however, i think there is a risk run in representing any group of people/their culture when you have the kind of setting that tuc has. by which i mean, tuc is set in a real world with real people and real human cultures in it. unlike fantasy high or a crown of candy where everything is made up (even if rooted in real-world cultures), tuc is explicitly rooted in reality, and all of its diversity -- both the ups and downs that go with it. and especially set in new york of all places, one of the most densely, diversely populated cities on earth. the cast is 7 people; it’s great that those 7 people come from a variety of backgrounds and identities and all bring their own unique perspectives to the table, and it’s great that those people and the entire crew are generally conscious of themselves and desire to tell stories/represent perspectives ethically. but you simply cannot authentically represent every culture or every perspective in the world (or even just in a city) when your cast is 7 people. it’s an impossible task. this is inherent to the setting, and acknowledged by the cast, and by brennan especially, who has been on record saying how one of the exciting aspects of doing a campaign set in nyc is its diversity, the fact that no two new yorkers have the same perspective of new york. i think that’s a good thing -- but it does have its challenges too, clearly.

i’m not going to go into detail on the question of whether or not tuc’s presentation of asian and asian american culture is appropriative/offensive or not. first of all, i don’t feel like it’s 100% fair to judge the show completely yet, since it’s a prerecorded season and currently airing midseason, so i don’t yet know how things wrap up. secondly, i’m not asian or asian american. i can have my own opinions on that content in the show, but i think it’s worth more to hear actual asian and asian american voices on this specific aspect of the show. having an asian american cast member doesn’t automatically absolve the show of any criticisms with regard to asian american cultural representation/appropriation, whether those criticisms are made by dozens of viewers or only a handful of them. regardless, i don’t think it’s my place as someone who is not asian to speak with any authority on that issue, and i know for a fact that there are asian american viewers sharing their own opinions. their thoughts in this instance hold more water than mine, i think.

what i will comment on in more depth, though, is a personal frustration with tuc. i’m jewish; i’ve never really been shy about that fact on my page here. i’m not from new york, but i visit a few times a year (or i did before covid anyway, lol), and i have some family from nyc. nyc, to me, is a jewish city. and for good reason, since it’s home to one of the largest jewish populations of the country, and even the world, and aspects of jewish culture (including culinary, like bagels and pastrami, and linguistic, like the common use of yiddish words and phrases in english colloquial speech) are prevalent and celebrated among jews and goyim alike. when i think of nyc, i think of a jewish city; that’s not everybody’s new york, but that’s my new york, and thats plenty of other people’s new york too. so i do find myself slightly disappointed or frustrated in tuc for its, in my opinion, rather stark lack of jewish representation.

now, i’m not saying that one of the PCs should have been jewish, full stop. i love to headcanon iga as jewish even though canon does not support that interpretation, and i’m fine with that. she’s not my character. it’s possible that simply no one thought of playing a jewish character, i dunno. but also, and i can’t be sure about this, i’m willing to bet that none of the players really wanted to play a jewish character because they didn’t want to play a character of a marginalized culture they dont belong to in the interest of avoiding stereotyping or offensive representation/cultural appropriation. (i don’t know if any of the cast members are jewish, but i’m assuming not.) and the concern there is certainly appreciated; there’s not a ton of mainstream jewish rep out there, and often what we get is either “unlikeable overly conservative hassidic jew” or “jokes about their bar mitzvah/one-off joke about hanukkah and then their jewishness is never mentioned ever again,” which sucks. it would be really cool to see some more good casual jewish rep in a well-rounded, three-dimensional character in the main cast of a show! even if there are a couple of stumbles along the way -- nobody is perfect and no two jews have the same level of knowledge, dedication, and adherence to their culture.

but at the same time, i look at characters like iga and i really do long for a jewish character to be there. siobhan isn’t polish, yet she’s playing a characters whose identity as a polish immigrant to new york is very central to her story and arc. and part of me wonders why we can’t have the same for a jewish character. if not a PC, then why not an NPC? again, i’m jewish, and i am not native, but in my opinion i think the inclusion of jj is wonderful -- i think there are even fewer native main characters in mainstream media than there are jewish ones, and it’s great to see a native character who is both in touch with their culture as well as not being defined solely by their native-ness. to what extent does it count as ‘appropriative’ because brennan is a white dude? i dunno, but i’m like 99% sure they talked to sensitivity consultants to make sure the representation was as ethical as they could get it, and anyway, i can’t personally see and glaring missteps so far. but again, i’m not native, and if there are native viewers with their own opinions on jj, i’d be really interested in hearing them.

but getting back to the relative lack of jewish representation. it just...disappoints me that jewishness in new york is hardly ever even really mentioned? again, i know we’re only just over halfway through season 2, but also, we had a whole first season too. and it’s definitely not all bad. for example: willy! gd, i love willy so much. him being a golem of williamsburg makes me really really happy -- a jewish mythological creature animated from clay/mud (in this case bricks) to protect a jewish community (like that of williamsburg, a center for many of nyc’s jews) from threat. golem have so often been taken out of their original context and turned into evil monsters in fantasy settings, especially including dnd. (even within other seasons of d20! crush in fh being referred to as a “pavement golem” always rubbed me the wrong way, and i had hoped they’d learned better after tuc but in acoc they refer to another monster as a “corn golem” which just disappointed me all over again.) so the fact that tuc gets golems right makes my jewish heart very happy.

and yet...he doesn’t show up that much? sure, in s1, he’s very helpful when he does, but in s2 so far he shows up once and really does not say or do much of anything. he speaks with a lot more yiddish-influenced language than other characters, but if you didn’t know those words were specifically yiddish/jewish, you might not be able to otherwise clock the fact that willy is jewish. and while willy is a jewish mythological creature who is jewish in canon, he isn’t human. there are no other direct references to judaism, jewish characters, or jewish culture in the unsleeping city beyond him.

there are, in fact, two other canon jewish characters in tuc. but...here’s where i feel the most frustration, i think. the two canon jewish humans in tuc are stephen sondheim and robert moses. both of whom are real actual people, so it’s not like we can just pick and choose what their cultural backgrounds are. as much as i love stephen sondheim, i think there are inherent issues with including real world people as characters in a fictional setting, especially if they are from living/recent memory (sondheim is literally still alive), but anyway, sondheim and moses are both actual jewish people. from watching tuc alone you probably would not be able to guess that sondheim is jewish -- nothing from his character except name suggests it, and i wouldn’t even fault you for not thinking ‘sondheim’ is a jewish-sounding surname (and i dislike the idea/attitude/belief that you can tell who is or isn’t jewish by the sound of their name). and yeah, i’m not going to sit here and be like “brennan should have made sondheim more visibly jewish in canon!” because, like, he’s a real human being and it’s fucking weird to portray him in a way that isn’t as close to how he publicly presents himself, which is not in fact very identifiably jewish? i don’t know, this is what i mean by it’s inherently weird and arguably problematic to portray real living people as characters in a fictional setting, but i digress. sondheim’s jewish, even if you wouldn’t know it; not exactly a representation win.

and then there’s bob moses. you might be able to guess that he’s jewish from canon, actually. there’s the name, of course. but more insidious to me are the specifics of his villainy. greedy and powerhungry, a moneyman, a lich whose power is stored in a phylactery...it does kind of all add up to a Yikes from me. (in the stock market fight there’s a one-off line asking if he has green skin; it’s never really directly acknowledged or answered, but it made me really uncomfortable to hear at first and it’s stuck with me since viewing for the first time.) the issue for me here is that the most obviously jewish human character is the season’s bbeg, and his villainy is rooted in very antisemitic tropes and stereotypes.

i know this isn’t all brennan’s fault -- robert moses was a real ass person and he was in fact jewish, a powerhungry and greedy moneyman, a big giant racist asshole, etc. i’m not saying that jewish characters can’t be evil, and i’m not saying brennan should have tried to be like “this is my NPC robert christian he’s just like bob moses but instead he’s a goy so it’s okay” because...that would be fuckin weird bro. and bob moses was a real person who was jewish and really did do some heinous shit with his municipal power. i’m not necessarily saying brennan should have picked/created a different character to be the villain. i’m not even saying that he shouldn’t have made bob moses a lich (although, again, it doesn’t 100% sit right with me). but my point here is that bob moses is one of a grand total of three canon jewish characters in tuc, of which only two humans, of whom he is the one you’d most easily guess would be jewish and is the most influenced by antisemitic stereotypes/tropes. had there been more jewish representation in the show at all, even just some neutral jewish NPCs, this would not be as much of a problem as it is to me. but halfway through season 2, so far, this is literally all we get. and that bums me out.

listen, i really like tuc. i love d20. but the fact that it is set in a real world place with real world people does inherently raise challenges when it comes to ethical cultural representation. especially when the medium of the show is a game whose creatures, lore, and mechanics have been historically rooted in some questionable racial/cultural views. and dnd is making progress to correct some of those misguided views of older sourcebooks by updating them to more equitably reflect real world racial/cultural sensitivities; that’s a good thing! but these seasons, of course, were recorded before that. the game itself has some questionable cultural stuff baked into it, and that is (almost necessarily) going to be brought to the table in a campaign set in a real-world place filled with real-world people of diverse real-world cultures. the cast can have sensitivity consultants and empathy and the best intentions in the world, and they’ll still fuck up from time to time, that’s okay. your mileage may vary on whether or not it’s still worth sticking around with the show (or the fandom) through that. for me, it does not yet outweigh all the things i like about the show, and i’m gonna continue watching it. but it’s still very worth acknowledging that the cast is 7 people who cannot possibly hope to authentically or gracefully represent every culture in nyc. it’s an unfortunate limitation of the medium. yet it’s also still worthwhile to acknowledge and discuss the cultural representation as it is in the show -- both the goods and the bads, the ethically solid and the questionably appropriative -- and even to hold the creators accountable. (decently, though. i’m definitely not advocating anybody cyberbully brennan on twitter or whatever.) the show and its representation is far from perfect, but i also don’t think it ever could be. still, though, it could always be better, and there’s a worthwhile discussion to be had in the wheres, hows, and whys of that.

[innerspeaker]

tag 9 people to learn more about their interests

Tagged by red  @jackharkness, thank you so much!!! ♥️♥️♥️

MUSIC

fave genre? post-punk and indie/alternative rock

fave artist? too many to name, to be honest; as for bands, the first that come to mind are definitely muse, interpol, radiohead and queens of the stone age but like, the list could go on forever; then last year i crossed paths with miss phoebe bridgers’ work and she became one of my favourite artists of all time, too.  also i have an entire sideblog dedicated to arctic monkeys and another one for linkin park, so...yeah

fave song? “i appear missing” by queens of the stone age

most listened song recently? “trouble’s coming” by royal blood (in the wise words of a wise man i recommend it to everyone instead of drugs)

song currently stuck in your head?  “all eyes on me” by bo burnham cause i’ve just read red’s 8 songs tag game

5 fave lyrics? 

“I sucked the moon / I spoke too soon / and how much did it cost? I was dropped from moonbeams and sailed on shooting stars” — sail to the moon, radiohead

“Driving out into the sun / let the ultraviolet cover me up / went looking for a creation myth / ended up with a pair of cracked lips / Windows down, scream along to some America first rap, country song / A slaughterhouse, an outlet mall / slot machines, fear of God / Windows down, heater on / big bolts of lightning hanging low / Over the coast  everyone's convinced it's a government drone or an alien spaceship /either way, we're not alone / I'll find a new place to be from, a haunted house with a picket fence to float around and ghost my friends” — i know the end, phoebe bridgers

“And I was on the island and you were there too / but somehow through the storm I couldn't get to you / oh St Jude, somehow she knew / and she came to give her blessing while causing devastation / and I couldn't keep my mouth shut, I just had to mention / grabbing your attention” — st. jude, florence + the machine

“Shock me awake / tear me apart / pinned like a note in a hospital gown / deeper I sleep / further down / the rabbit hole never to be found Don't cry / with my toes on the edge it's such a lovely view / Inside / I never loved anything until I loved you” — i appear missing, queens of the stone age

“I guess what I'm trying to say is I need the deep end / keep imagining meeting / wished away entire lifetimes / unfair we're not somewhere misbehaving for days / great escape, lost track of time and space” — r u mine?, arctic monkeys

radio or your own playlist | solo artists or bands | pop or indie | loud or silent volume (i try to keep an average volume actually but my phones always reminding me to turn it down so) I slow or fast songs | music video or lyrics video | speakers or headset | riding a bus in silence or while listening to music | driving in silence or with radio on  

BOOKS

fav book genre? i used to like fantasy/dystopian books the most but i just enjoy narrative books and novels in general

fav writer? george orwell my beloved, the greatest journalist ever and also the most misunderstood and misquoted author ever (not me going fully political on a tag game but everytime a r*ght p*rty politician mentions him i literally die inside)

fav book? “1984″ by george orwell (unfortunately, what i said about him right before applies for this absolute masterpiece of a book, too :(((( )

fav book series? the lord of the rings by j.r.r. tolkien

comfort book? i dont really know??? i dont want to repeat myself so i wont name the book with number in the title once again, so i’d say something i read during my childhood, probably, like “the secret garden” by frances hodgson burnett, the warmth and comfort that book irradiate are unparalleled tbh

perfect book to read on a rainy day? i’d say something introspective and not too long, like “identity” by milan kundera??? i usually don’t choose what i wanna read depending on the weather, so i dont know if that’s an actual nice fit

fave characters? scarlett o’hara from gone with the wind, frodo baggins and legolas from lotr, lady macbeth from the macbeth, clarisse mcclellan from fahrenheith 451

5 quotes from your fave books that you know by heart?

“Perhaps one didn’t want to be loved as much as to be understood”  — 1984, george orwell

“As God is my witness, as God is my witness, the Yankees aren’t going to lick me. I’m going to live through this, and when it’s over, I’m never going to be hungry again. No, nor any of my folks. If I have to steal or kill, as God is my witness, I’m never going to be hungry again.” — gone with the wind, margaret mitchell

“You said I killed you, haunt me, then! The murdered do haunt their murderers, I believe, I know that ghosts have wandered on earth. Be with me always, take any form, drive me mad! only do not leave me in this abyss, where I cannot find you! oh, God! it is unutterable! I cannot live without my life! I cannot live without my soul!” — wuthering heights, emily bronte

“These walls - are you going, gentlemen? - these walls are solidly put together”; and here, through the mere frenzy of bravado, I rapped heavily with a cane which I held in my hand, upon that very portion of the brickwork behind which stood the corpse of the wife of my bosom. But may God shield and deliver me from the fangs of the Arch-Fiend! No sooner had the reverberation of my blows sunk into silence, than I was answered by a voice from within the tomb!” — the black cat, edgar allan poe (i just want to add: i know this is supposed to be frightening and terrifying, but i think this is one of the funniest parts of a book ive ever read,it makes me crack up every.single.time, truly peak comedy tbh)

“There was another crash. Someone had picked up the glass paperweight from the table and smashed it to pieces on the hearth stone. The fragment of coral, a tiny crinkle of pink like a sugar rosebud from a cake, rolled across the mat. How small, thought Winston, how small it always was!” — 1984, george orwell (jdshkjhk ive got one braincell and it was wasted to read one (1) dystopian book only and it shows)

hardcover or paperback | buy or rent | standalone novels or book series | ebook or physical copy | reading at night or during the day | reading at home or in nature | listening to music while reading or reading in silence | reading in order or reading the ending (so, i had this bad habit i read the last line of a book before even knowing what it was about and it ended up spoiling me the whole book a couple of times (which is like. obvious and absolutely fair??? but im different :) ), so i decided maybe it wasnt a great idea and im not doing it anymore, i eventually read the last words just for fun but im trying to get rid of this habit, too) | reliable or unreliable narrator  | realism or fantasy | one or multiple POVS | judging by the covers or by the summary | rereading or reading just once 

TV AND MOVIES

fave tv/movie genre? drama/mystery/thriller/noir

fave movie? i know what my favourite animated movie is, surpirsingly: “sleeping beauty” (1942)! as for movies in general, again, i’m gonna name a handful of these cause i cant really choose just one: the three colous trilogy by krzysztof kieślowski (”three colours: red”, in particular), “the double life of veronique”,  “parasite” by bong joon-ho,  “jaws” by steven spielberg, “paris, texas” by wim wenders and “we all loved each other so much” by ettore scola, but, again, the list is potentially endless

comfort movie?  “the terminal” by steven spielberg!!! also “the postman” by michael radford, “my neighbor totoro” by studio ghibli and “cinema paradiso” by giuseppe tornatore

fave tv show? this is so difficult so ill pick my favourite 5 too: 1) twin peaks, 2) bojack horseman, 3) f.r.i.e.n.d.s., 4) better call saul, 5) this is us

most rewatched tv show? definitely bojack horseman

5 fave characters? dale cooper (twin peaks), leia organa (star wars), dr frank-n-furter (the rocky horror picture show),  cosmo brown (singin’ in the rain), walter white (breaking bad) 

tv shows or movies| short seasons (8-13 episodes) or full seasons (22 episodes or more) | one episode a week or binging | one season or multiple seasons | one part or saga | half hour or one hour long episodes | subtitles on or off | rewatching or watching just once

Tagging: @inejghafta, @jennifersbod, @drewbarrymoore, @alexcabotgf, @surrendertothesounds, @donniesdarko, @ruinism, @1918, @bronteskafka and whoever wants to do this!!

[honeypirate]

Train Ride Pt Two

Aone x y/n

A/n: i found a cute bento box on Pinterest and that inspired that part, is not the exact same though.

Part one Masterlist

Aone wouldn’t lie, he was nervously excited to see you again. He’s noticed you before, many times actually, you caught his eye once when he happened to see you play, when you took a spike the face and saved the ball and he couldn’t help but be in awe of you because of how you brushed it off. You had no nosebleed so you finished the rest of the game but the next day at school he noticed you during lunch and you had a big black eye. He heard you talking to your friends about it and how you said that mistakes happen in volleyball and in life and that’s how you learn, he was impressed. He thought you were sweet and humble but what he liked the most about you was that you were tough. He liked you yes, but what he struggled with was that he didn’t know how to talk to you. He would have really preferred any other way that didn’t include his teammates. But he was glad he has that window to be able to talk to you now and he can’t wait to see you again tomorrow.

Before bed you made yourself a lunch to bring and “accidentally” made more than enough so you could have an excuse to bring some for Aone. You make identical bento boxes for you both, Turtle shaped onigiri, two placed to look like they were kissing, some sautéed tofu, vegetables you shaped like flowers, and some apple pieces with hearts cut into the skin. Probably overkill with sweet lovey dovey but you couldn’t help it, you liked him. You set the boxes in the fridge and make a sticky note reminder to not forget them on the front door. Before you got in bed you texted Aone “are you awake still?” He responded with a simple yes so you called him so you could hear his voice.

“Hello?” He says, answering on the last ring almost too late. He stared at your name on his phone vibrating in his hand for what felt like forever before he panicked and clicked answer just because he knew he wanted to talk to you. Your voice was sweet to his ear, “Hey I just wanted to ask if you wanted to walk together to the train station or if you wanted to meet there?” He felt butterflies in his stomach, his face was flushed, and his palms clammy as he paced in his bedroom. “Yes” he says and you chuckle sweetly “yes?” You question and he curses in his head before taking a breath and saying quietly “I’d like to walk with you” you can’t help the smile that breaks out on your lips “good. I would like that too. Okay then I’ll see you tomorrow. Goodnight Aone. Have good dreams” you say and his heart feels like its beating out his chest and he smiles as he hears you say his name “Goodnight y/n. Sleep well” he says before hanging up.

The next morning you’re up early, extremely early since you couldn’t sleep very well, you were too excited to walk with him to be able to shut your brain off. You change into your volleyball shorts and a tee shirt before slipping his sweatshirt on over the top and a pair of loose cotton pants over the top of your shorts to help you stay warm on your walk. You cover up the zit that just happened to pop up on your cheek but that was the only makeup you put on. You slipped an extra hair tie on your wrist for later because the one you’ve been using feels like it could break then grabbing your gym bag and your backpack you head downstairs to make some breakfast before it’s time to go.

You prepare a quick tamago kake gohan and some miso soup, you think of Aone and wonder what his favorite breakfast is. You pack up your breakfast like always to eat on the train and consider packing some for him as well, but since you made him lunch you thought it might be weird and instead settled for packing up extra and offering it to him.

You place the lunches in your gym bag and your breakfast in your backpack and go to slip your shoes on and wait by the door, discarding the sticky note reminder.

A soft knock on your door makes your heart race and a smile tug on the corners of your lips, you slip on your backpack before putting the gym bag across your body as well before slipping on a black beanie that said ‘I’m a big fan of space, both outer and personal’ and opening the door to see Aone, his hands in his pockets and wearing black sweats and a black hoodie that looks like the one of his you’re wearing. You smile big “good morning Aone-kun!” You say and he blushes and tries to hide the small smile on his lips “good morning y/n” he says quietly as you step out, closing the door behind you.

“I hope you don’t mind” you say and tuck your hands into the front pocket of the hoodie a little dramatically “but you’re never getting this sweatshirt back.” He blushes and his heart rate quickens when you look at him with a sweet smile “it’s the most comfortable thing I’ve ever worn and I think it’s big enough to fit us both together” his face gets even redder “I don’t mind. You can have it. I-it .. ah.. it l-looks good on you” he fumbles through the compliment and you can’t help but smile at his adorable shy awkwardness. “Thank you Aone-kun” you say softly and place your hand on his arm as you wait for the train “if it really does bother you though I’ll be glad to give it back. Tomorrow though because it’s all I brought to keep me warm” you chuckle and he looks at you with a small smile, his face the reddest you’ve seen, “I want you to have it. I like it” he says with a burst of confidence that it gives you goosebumps and makes your heart skip “you’re so sweet to me Aone-Kun” you say softly, both of you entering the train and sitting in the same spot as last time.

You pull out your breakfast and start to eat, he starts to text someone and for a few minutes you sit in silence as the train moves along. “Did you have breakfast this morning?” You ask as you look down at your food he mumbles something that’s an obvious no “do you want some of mine? I made too much” you smile and turn to him holding out your breakfast. He turns bright red and slowly nods, it looked delicious and he was hungry, he just didn’t have time today. “If you’re sure” he says and reaches out, “of course I’m sure! Eat up!” You say and place your hand on his forearm with a smile.

When he’s done you stash the empty containers back in the backpack, satisfied and heart warm being able to feed him breakfast, you liked the idea of taking care of him. You hope he likes your lunch as well.

When you exit the train you feel the wind had picked up, you wrap your arms around yourself and shivered you look over at Aone and notice his ears are red from the cold. “Hey hold on one second” you say and pull your hat off, running your fingers through your hair, he watched you with his eye brows furrowed “here” you say and pull your beanie down over his head covering his ears “now you can stay warm” you say and smile. His heart beat skips and his cheeks flush a bright red. He usually had a beanie but forgot it today, this small act from you made him feel so special. “Are you sure?” you shove your hands into your front pocket and nod “I’m positive”

He gets quieter the closer you get to school, the more kids around and more commotion had him responding quieter so only you could hear him. “So maybe you could show me your pet turtle tonight?” You ask nonchalantly and he blushes again, his face will be permanent pink around you for a while, “he’d love to meet you” he said back. You were early to practice so you stood in the hallway between the different gyms, looking at each other sweetly and talking. “Hey I hope you don’t find it weird” you say and pull out the lunch from your gym bag “I made too much lunch so I brought you some” you say and hold it out to him. He looks at the small package in your hands, an unknown feeling spreading through his chest and into his ribs, like electricity under his skin. He feels so soft and he can’t help loving the way you’re looking at him right now. Loves you taking care of him. Even if it’s only been a day since you really met he can’t help the sweet feeling in his heart and the butterflies that filled his stomach. You on the other hand felt nervous, your palms sweaty and heart racing, he’s looking at the lunch not saying anything and not taking it, you feel like you could die right this second until he slowly reaches out and takes the lunch from you. He meets your eye and you think they look a little misty. “Thank you y/n-Chan” he says softly and then he leans down and kisses your cheek.

You could die right this second but now for a different reason, he kissed your cheek oh my god he kissed you! This is HUGE! You smile goofy and happy up at him, your heart fluttering and butterflies in your belly as your fingers lightly touch your cheek where his lips touched. “Do you wanna walk home together too?” You ask quietly and he nods “yes, please” he says and your smile widens “good. I do too” you say a excitedly and you both blush.

“What’s going on here?” Koganegawa whispers to Futakuchi as the team stands down the hallway looking at the two of you, “he’s….He’s talking to her?” They stand there stunned, they’ve never heard him talk so much and he’s just, talking to you. “And what’s that beanie?” Futakuchi points out. Who were you and how did you get him to talk? Did you give him your beanie? He’s been in the team for a while and they’ve heard enough words to could on one hand, maybe two. He was blushing and smiling, nothing like his usual date tech iron wall Aone self. They were shook to say the least.

“Aone-kun I think your team is staring” you whisper and then you laugh when he looks over and scowls “dont give them too hard of time” you say and then pause, placing your hand on your chin thinking about it for a second as you look over at the frozen team. “well, unless it’s truly deserved” you say and laugh before looking back to Aone who’s been studying your beautiful face this whole time.

You two have been staring at each other smiling like idiots for way too long, all the bystanders started to feel weird watching and your cheeks hurt from smiling so much at him. You shake yourself out if it and cock your head which he thinks is so cute. You hear volleyballs hit the court and your team start to chat inside, signaling the time to leave. “Have a good practice! Be careful and don’t get hurt, I know you’re the iron wall and everything but still” you smile up at him and then take one step towards him, closing the distance and placing a hand on his chest as you stand on your tip toes to give him a sweet kiss on his chin/jaw since it’s the only thing you could reach. “I’ll see you later” you whisper, your hand still on his chest and you could feel his heart beat under his sweatshirt, strong and fast, his face red and his lips smiling, he looked so sweet and cute. He grabs your hand as you turn to leave and you turn back to him with your head tilted, his eyebrows are furrowed and he looks like he wants to say something, you can’t resist how cute his blush is and you reach out without thinking and place your hand against his cheek. His eyes widen for a second and so do yours before he reaches up and places his hand on yours, it’s like your small touch cleared the fog of overthinking in his brain and he feels comfortable with his words “be careful. Don’t get hurt” he says and you grin “I’ll do my best” you say cheerfully and softly move your thumb across his cheek before sighing at the same time as him which turns into you both chuckling before parting ways, you hearing his team shout at him the moment you disappear.