#i like it much better now! :’)
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you want them to text back but that's anxious attachment isn't it. it's just that you can feel on the wind when you're not wanted anymore. when they've fallen out of love in any small part of their marrow. you have a hawk's eye for disharmony. you can tell when she has begun packing her things.
don't be annoying. you want to write: i have never experienced unconditional love as an explanation but isn't that pathetic. in adulthood all love is conditional and it should be. you've been to too much therapy. touch grass. how sappy can you be.
but they don't reach for your hand while they're driving. they forget to ask you how you're doing. the call times no longer read 12:34:19. they're 30 minutes and perfunctory before she says baby please, i'm tired. i need to go to sleep. where in her life do you fit. why is it that you never fit into anyone's life very long. oblong creature with so many needs, spilling up and out and over everything. it's a fucking shame the first time she said she loved you it was for your independence. and now look at you.
hollow pit in your stomach, body shaking. fuck, not again. you're not going to ruin another relationship like this, codependent and toxic, spiraling. and in the other half of your brain: if that's your wife, wouldn't she want to hear it? wouldn't it be fine? wouldn't she just comfort you and you can both move on and nobody dies?
but you're crowding her! read another instagram Positive Vibes Only type of post that talks about calming your heart and your brain and your body. try to sit in silence. the thing is that you do have a life outside of her, remember? go back to it.
great news, your parents fucked you up and now you have no idea how to deal with love. you just keep wanting to be chosen. to be real to someone, all the way through. real and kept. held closely. seen as precious to somebody. why even is that? didn't you always swear that people can and should complete themselves? why are you so constantly driven to beg for love, doglike and barking?
it's just the tiny things. it's just that you have to weigh every silence and sentence like bricks on an exposed belly. you have no idea how to shut it off. every alarm bell in your body saying: this isn't safe. start scrambling. she's already going.
#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHGGGGGGGGGGGGGH I HATE LIVING IN THIS SHIT OF A BODY!!!!!!!!#anxious attachment#is such an UTTER BITCH~!!!!!!!!#AND THE THING IS THAT EVERYONE IS LIKE ''JUST HEAL FROM IT''#AND IM LIKE. BITCH I HAVE BEEN TRYING. I DID A LOT OF IT. I STILL HAVE LIKE. MENTAL#FUCKIN#ILLNESS#im so much better now. but i have days :'( and like .... the grief is bringing out the worst in me#im trying but it's all just like ....... bad in there
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being vulnerable for a second to use my pooltoy furry oc to convey what recovering from contamination ocd has been like while undergoing hrt.
#being on hrt has been one of the best things to happen to my body#i feel more like myself than i ever had before#and there have been new challenges with my ocd since starting#but my worst day now is so much easier than my worst day before starting!#and my best days are miles better!!!#anyway stay hydrated everyone !#pooltoy furry#pooltoy#my art#ok to rb
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Yknow what- you're so right...
#shadow the hedgehog#sonic x shadow generations#maria robotnik#2d animation#aura's art#seeing so many people like that silly doodle animation I did shocked me so much!#i've honestly been having such a rough time on my end- but seeing the support for this has helped me through it all so thank you everyone!#hopefully i will make more proper art and animations now that i'm starting to feel better!#for now- enjoy another doodle animation!
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Trapped in a vicious cycle of pining? Try gay sex! (More things to learn over at Tiger Tiger!)
#tiger tiger#jamis arlesi#remy bonnaire#Arno#through a series of unfortunate events I will be posting this after the update will be out so my timing will be more so:#“Alternate take on how that scene played out” Rather than my funnier “My prediction for how it will go down”#I truly think Remy would rather admit to crimes he didn't commit than confess he has a thing for men.#It would be funny! It would be so funny if this is how Jamis found out. Alas...Not yet...Not yet...#I do love the idea that Jamis completely overlooked the all the elder god horror to get right down to the question of 'HOW DO YOU KNOW HIM'#Remy knows him. Knows him carnally. Wouldn't you like to also know your captain better? In spirit and body and mind?#Jealousy looks good on Jamis. Now he just has to do something about it.#Poor Remy though...He love Jamis so much he'd do anything to prevent losing him.#Which entails never giving Jamis a chance of rejecting or accepting his feelings!#Meanwhile...Jamis is a bisexual disaster man who is at his *limit*.#(For the MDZS fans looking at this Tigers comic who still have no context:#This is like Lan Xichen finding out Jin Guangyao hooked up with Nie Mingjue after LXC spent all that time thinking JGY was straight.#Better yet. This is like WWX just starting to realize his crush on LWJ and then finding out he and JC hooked up in the time skip.#'Nice to know you're into men but why did I have to find out like this' moment.)#((Yes I am trying to bridge the gap between the fandoms I am in. Yes I am still on my propaganda train. Choo Choo!!!))
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😔 Oh Crowley..
#good omens#good omens 2#crowley#ineffable husbands#the sketch got out of hand#this series has so much stuff I love to draw like clouds fabrics historical fashion flowy hair wings religious imagery stars sad old men-#I'll get better at drawing actors at some point just bear with me for now#my art
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sidelong
#my art#jujutsu kaisen#jjk fanart#jujutsu kaisen fanart#jjk art#yuji itadori#fushiguro megumi#itafushi#fushiita#itadori yuuji#megumi fushiguro#i havent drawn a dedicated itfs piece in so long im a fraud dont look at me......................#i offer u pining!yuuji content. as Penance.#i feel like its usually fushiguro emotionally repressed megumi who ppl draw/make content of looking Longingly @ yuuji#and like. for good reason i mean look at him#but i feel like hopelessly-in-love-w-his-best-friend yuuji is a comparatively slept on concept#or maybe im not looking in the right places idk man#fleeting glances and longing stares and I Should Tell Him I Can't Tell Him.....OUgh#anyway i like how the pendulum seems to have hard swung back in2 me using a bunch of red#i feel like my values r so much better now tho n like. god help me im having fun painting again what has happened#it never lasts long but for rn this is probably one of my favourite things ive drawn in a minute!!!#i love u contrast i love u random bits of red i love u harsh shadows and dramatic light sources#and it didnt even take me a week this time !!!!
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Sometimes at work it's not my place to tell people the things I want to say, and I find I often go home at the end of the rougher days to stand blankly in my shower and tell myself over and over what I wish I could pass on.
This accomplishes very little, and mostly just gives me a tension headache, but through it all I think I've narrowed myself down to a few solid things I'd like to tell people the most.
You can't change people. Not permanently, not for anythig. You can support them, encourage them, love them, give them tools and opportunities and resources, but you can't make them change. They can change themselves if they want to, but they have to want to, and they have to want it for themselves, because they're the only one that's certain to be with them forever.
For better or worse, you make your own choices, and blaming bad choices on others doesn't only work to absolve you of responsibility- it also robs you of control. Because if you say you only did something because I did something, then you arent only shifting blame- you're admitting that you cannot control yourself, that you cannot truly make choices for yourself, that other people can control you- and as long as you truly beleive that, you'll keep facing the same problems over and over. You'll keep letting others dictate your choices, because you'll beleive that they can, and you'll never be free.
White knights on horseback are from fairytales. Nobody can help you if ou're not willing to help yourself. To try, to put the dirty work in, to belive you're worth that effort- Act as though nobody is coming to save you. From a struggle, from pain, from bad relationships, from yourself. And when you do save yourself, because you will, because failure here isn't an option if you want to survive, you'll never find another dragon that can keep you prisoner.
Don't say anything to anyone that you wouldn't want them remembering forever.
Doing the right thing in bad circumstances is hard. It's the hardest thing. But if you make the choice to do that hard thing anyways, despite your fear, you'll go on the rest of your like knowing that you're the sort of person who did something.
The present only seems the hardest because the past I over and the future hasn't happened.
There's so much joy ahead of you, the kind you can't possibly understand until you see it yourself.
The responsibility of consequences is often disguised as the power of permission. "I won't do this if you help me", "I'll work on my anger if you do this for me", "I promised you I'd quit, but can I have just one?". The unspoken question is, "Can it be your fault if this goes badly?"
You cant make someone love you the way you need to be loved. Someone can love you very much and still be bad for you, even if you love them very much in return. Two people can love each other very, very much, and try their very best, and still be wrong for each other.
Sometimes being near to someone changes you, even in good ways, and the people you become don't fit together as well as the people you were.
Caring takes work. Even if it's real. Especially if it's real. And the most important gestures aren't the grand, poetic, songs-and-flowers-and-tears moments; they're getting out of bed even though you don't want to. Paying attention to things you don't enjoy. Scrubbing pans, or opening a window, saying "thank-you", or helping carry groceries into the house. The small things fill the big things- without the small, boring, mediocre things, big things feel hollow.
Thrre is honour and dignity in humble work.
If you are a cruel and spiteful person, then you will find every place you visit to be full of the same cruel, spiteful people. This is not because the world is as cruel as you, but because everywhere you are, you will be disliked. This is the curse that comes with being persistently cruel and spiteful.
If you are a kind and ppsitive person, you will repeatedly encounter kind and positive people, because as they grow familiar with you, they will be happier to have you near. This is the reward of being a kind and positive person.
When splitting paths with loved ones, briefly or forever, aim for your last words to always be "I love you".
#I'm still so young and ignorant#but I wish someone had told ME these things before I had to learn them#And now when shit goes south and everything is over and calm again the same things just roll though my head#Over and over and over#It's like everyone I meet has the same 3 problems and its ruining their lives#I just want to take everyone I meet by the shoulders and shake them#I KNOW why this is happening to you#Do you realize you can be better?#Do you realize you can do it?#Aren't you terrified of wasting your life like this?#*I* want to be happier#*I* used to be so much worse than I am#And I don't have it all figured out#But if we all decide to help ourselves then it'll be that much easier to help each other#Right?#It's so hard to lift dead weight#You need to kick against the waves with me#You need to WANT to float#Do you understand#Ugh it's 6am#This has been your overdramatic midnight ramble#Imma grill me a cheese and go back to bed#Blaurfhgh
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(don't look down look at bonnie)
#fanart#my art#sketch#isat#isat fanart#isat siffrin#isat bonnie#isat isabeau#isat spoilers#act 5 spoilers#siffrin#bonnie#isabeau#I love this scene#if you saw my “saves” post there's a save that's literally this sketch but bad#like I HAD the idea in mind but no power to sketch it#sketching 12+ Siffrins after going through 12+ saves is tough!#but I guess the way for me to get rid of burnout is actually actively sketching!#huh!!#over-imagined in my brain so much it burned out for a bit#it's 4 am now but my brain is no better than before#a bit empty and sad#anywayyyy
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He stared into the abyss too long
#a good smack brings him back dw#luriens design changes so much for me cuz i just dont know what to do with his suit#i think i like it better now than the previous iterations tho#lyss art#my art#character design#hollow knight#hollow knight gijinka#hk gijinka#gijinka#lurien the watcher#hk lurien#monomon the teacher#hk monomon
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day twoe ah haha
#repostober#alphys#gaster#undertale#sorry i was busy the last few days and missed day 2&3#but i love her so#unpopular opinion but i like it better when alphys and gasters dynamic is more like this than alphys has a crush on another person that#everyone thinks is out of her league and will never choose her#cus you never see people genuinely shipping them its always just her pining and him being cold and stoic. like why. isnt them being silly#stupid work buddies so much better#isnt him taking one look at her and being like. ALRIGHT NEW CHILD. PAPYRUS. SANS. YOU NOW HAVE A SISTER. so much better than tormenting her#anyway#i love this animal. the ah fees.#i love drawing her like a real lizard i think thats cool i think she deserves it#hug an alphys and tell her you love her today
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Thinking about the fact that Mabel and Dipper didn't know they had two great uncles.
Yeah they are 12 and at 12 I had a shotty understanding of my family tree- But really? Nobody brought up their great uncle? Stanley? Especially since they'll be staying with his twin brother, Stanford?
Shermie never went to Stan's fake funeral, which to me means the twos relationship was strained on some level. If Shermie is older that means his view of Stan was poisoned in some way, that even as kids they weren't close. If the Shermie is younger then he never even got to meet Stan and all he knew about him was how he failed his family. Hell, people probably barely mentioned Stanley TO Shermie.
The fact that Stan had become a black stain upon the Pines family name makes me so vividly upset. Stanley faked his death and the family just- seemingly decided to strike him from the record. To pretend he didn't existed to spare themselves the sadness and shame.
Stanford and Shermie Pines. The only children worth mentioning of Filbrick and Caryn Pines.
It was never Stanford that was lost to the world. It was Stanley, ever since he had to leave New Jersy- it was always him that had to be struck from the record. Change his name, change his state, change his affiliations, destroy the remains of ghost that was Stanley Pines. Kill him so the family doesn't bring him up, doesn't ask questions, stops asking "Stanford" about his twin.
I just keep thinking about the fact that since the day he made one single mistake all the way up until Ford walks out of that machine- Stanley Pines was killed and did not exist. And Stan himself had no one to blame, he had to play the part in his own demise- He is the only one who ever knew Stanley was alive and has been for decades.
He lives in the multitudes of every personality he's ever taken, all in the hope that he himself can stop being Stanley Pines.
#gravity falls#grunkle stan#stanley pines#STANLEYYYYYY#STANLEY THEY COULD NEVER MAKE ME HATE YOU STANLEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#sharky rants#Just. Imagine the fucking shame you have to live with#the shame that you can never be yourself. That anything you were is unwanted and forgotten#The shame of just BEING- Of taking space of- of /breathing-/#Imagine the world; your friend; your family; your colleagues being so ashamed of having known you#that you feel more comfortable with a persona to present.#You feel more comfortable stealing the identity of someone you care for deeply if only to help#If only to feel capable for once. To feel like you belong- Like youre doing something good for once#Imagine the shame that brings you to be comfortable not being yourself for 40 years.#ALL CASE YOU BROKE ONE FUCKING PROJECT??????? COME ON#I mean- the deeprooted shame was started from earlier. He was 'the stupid twin“; 'the troublemaker”; “the cheat and thief”#This was a long time coming#But those werent MISTAKES- The one time he genuinely made a Mistake he lost everything#Like he really mattered so little to the people around him#and he cant really blame them.#My cousin is a genius. Hes smart and academically achieved since I was a baby.#The only thing I had that he didnt was my ability to draw. to be creative. The guy for the longest time had a better social life then me too#I used to get brought to tears seeing his accomplishments- seeing people praise him. The shame lived in me any time I had to see him#The shame that I was the black sheep of the family next to the golden standard for a son- for a student- for a friend.#when I was none of those things#And Im lucky he was my cousin- cause if he was my brother that would have haunted me EVERY DAY rather then once or twice a year#Im better with it now; Im more content with who I am- But trauma dump aside-#I very very very much understand Stans shame in being the stupid one. The unachieved one in a family full of achieved people#the shame thats angry at him for being better. at the family for treating him special. and most of all at yourself that you cant be better#its a visceral feeling that I sadly understand
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Scholarly peak is catching up on recent literature
#bingqiu#shen qingqiu#luo binghe#svsss#sqq#lbh#my art#which is honestly just to say that i've finished the other two print books i was reading#and am now prepared to leap feet first into svsss bk4#i succeeded in holding off for an entire two weeks. i have the conviction of a wet paper towel.#lets see bk4 was described as - what? - an ''angst and smut pile''??#i am very much looking forward to this#i was promised a story with my snake boy#because i am very much not over zhuzhi-lang's fate so this had better be A REALLY NICE HAPPY ONE FOLKS#anyway have sqq and lbh cuddling and reading as i project on them#i like to assume that as time goes on sqq is able to relax his persona a bit more around lbh#i think he should get to cuddle and bitch about shitty novels#but man sqh is really the ONLY source of any books that have an even slightly modern cadence/style i have a feeling sqq would be very keen#though if i'm being honest i really wonder if sqh could ever bring himself to write fiction again#if you're A Writer it tends to be hard to RESIST you just get an itch to tell a story#but also like... the fear that all of this could happen again... or that the characters you're creating might be REAL and SUFFERING...#yeah... i honestly suspect he can't write anymore and that it honestly probably sucks a lot... but for the sake of this joke he is :P
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How did your meeting go with the surgeons?
it was memorable
#sci speaks#the sci files#im glad i've done all the research. i feel okay. i feel safe and confident. and the doctors have all been really kind and helpful.#lots of good vibes. and they're moving me through the system so quickly. i'm glad it'll be dealt with so soon.#feels so crazy that this has been going on. right under my skin. and it's all explained now and i feel so much more in control.#i know whats going on!! with my funky body!! no more unanswered questions!!#i feel really good these days. optimistic. i feel like i understand myself a lot more and it means i'm better to myself.#but you'll all have to be patient with me. please be patient with me like i've learnt to be patient with myself.
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Doll
#doll#plain doll#bloodborne#fanart#soulsborne#doll fanart#bloodborne fanart#dark art#eldrtchmn#my art#i worked on it a bit more!!#i like it much better now huh
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jade with long cornrow braids with beads featuring the planets
#crandairy art#homestuck art#homestuck#jade harley#im glad ppl like the other jade/planetary beads but im like. that was a low effort doodle that was colored in. i can do better i beg lol#plus now i hc jade with longer braids. was debating on the color of the beads almost went with red to match her shoes#she keeps her planet and skaia closest on hand. shhh dont think abt the gravity and how much she is moving the planets as she walks
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domain expansion
#my art#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#yuji itadori#itadori yuuji#fanart#jjk fanart#jjk spoilers#jjk manga spoilers#jjk leaks#jjk 264#yuuji#help she entered a fugue state and finished a painting in 7 hours again#I still wish with all my heart that wed gotten megumi but HOLDS UP YUUJI THATS MY BOYYYYYYY#god his face is Messed Up i feel so bad#but i do think this is how ill go about drawing the injuries from now on :'>#just a Mess of flesh tones on that boy :((((( maybe shoko can kiss it better#anyway towards the end of drawing this my llsif pilled brain supplied 'domain expansion: happy party train' and i think its a keeper#yuuji if u havent picked a name yet pls consider thank u <3#a train station tho......as much of a vibe as it is i SUFFERED#the high ceilings full of pipework...the parallel lines....thank god i make the rules and dont actually have to detail it all#i love u vague lines that convey Essence Of Room#i think it works !!! i feel like im waiting fr a train n watching time slow around me as the lights stretch#btw the rake brush is SO good fr making lil bits of stretched light like u r squinting . i love it i have fun#anyway enjoy !!! him!!!! we r truly in yuuji kaisen i never Once doubted my boy
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