#i learned a lot from radical feminism but not what they wanted me to learn lol.

[coke-600]

Literally what the fuck is wrong with that cunt terf on that sims post where they took a post of someone being proud of their little brothers after raising them into "you shouldnt have done that bc men (even when they are children) do not deserve respect especially from the women raising them" you should never be around children of any age or gender. genuinely.

[hadesoftheladies]

actually, I DID have gender dysphoria as a teenage girl without being exposed to anything about it on the internet, on top of "racial dysphoria" and body dysmorphia

there were points I DID want to kill myself because i wasn't, or bleach my skin or change my body, i would have done anything to be a white boy at one point

which is both sad and funny to me because i remember two of my then good friends explain being enby and transgender to me and me being like "that doesn't make any sense" and it's because of trans-discourse we eventually broke up. the closest i ever got to accepting trans-ideology was transmedicalism with weak support for "queer" culture. i did not understand pronouns, but i understood dysphoria. but i did not understand how one could be a man or woman without the sex characteristics.

how did i heal?

one, i left church. that was one of the places i was most scrutinized for my physical body. two, i distanced from my parents, especially my mom. who often made my ocd and body-image worse (not because she was mean, but because she was always fretting about "decency"). three, i focused on bettering my personal space. writing, reading, watching my comfort shows, getting the focus off me. four, i started eating better, and my body became less burdensome. i stopped getting horrible period pain. five, i surrounded myself with self-confident women and stopped trying to resurrect toxic friendships with girls and boys (especially boys). started eliminating each toxic friend and focusing my efforts on healthier relationships. six, i'd started educating myself on my own history, watching and listening to more black and African people. even when i didn't enjoy what they made or resonate with it, i found i appreciated the experience and could allow myself to hate or love whatever i found.

by the time i discovered radical feminism, this was like, the final step for me: consuming women-centric literature and media. this was HUGE. i'd see paintings and photography of women in all shapes, colors and sizes. i'd listen to master musicians, read women philosophers, anthropologists, etc. this started mending a lot of what caused initial disquiet when it came to my dysphoria or dysmorphia.

basically, i took myself out of bad environments (especially those which force you to scrutinize every detail about yourself, like social media, i took long breaks from that), drew boundaries with people i couldn't get rid of, learned about myself (ocd, dyscalculia, anxiety, female biology) so that i developed understanding and could empathize, stopped centering men and white people.

now, while there's still a hint or trace of dysmorphia and dysphoria, it doesn't plague my life. it's like the occasional itch. more of a mild temptation to go down a dark hole than an actual threat. and i've learned how to handle those.

i learned the root of things. not just my history, but the root of how society worked and how it affected me. and i'm still learning, and my life is still improving.

so yeah, girls and women going through this is normal and common. anyone who is used to who they are being shameful is more at risk (like gnc lgb kids), but you can recover. usually better if you get out of the places that are making you sick.

[pawberri]

thank you for all the posts you've made, your takes are always so refreshing to hear.

I want to know your thoughts (if it's okay with you, you can also totally ignore this) about all the "men hate" I see online. like I (poc transmasc non-passing) get it, there are genuine societal gender problems. transmisogyny does exist-women face more challenges than men do. but it genuinely hurts when women, especially trans women, think it's funny/quirky to call men trash or say they want all men dead or whatever. idk I just am hoping someone else understands, you know?

There's a lot of nuances to this question. First, I just want to caution against focusing too much on trans girls as the perpetrators of this. A lot of the asks I get from trans men seem to really fixate on trans women as the perpetrators of hard line gender essentialism. I really think trans girls are not the main people we should be focusing on here. If a trans woman is saying this stuff, take the time to analyze her ideology outside of that pithy comment and consider how much trauma and how little power she has in the world. That said, trans women are affected by this kind of ideology just like us, and they rarely have the power to wield it against others in the way cis people can. I know it hurts to feel isolated by your own community, but that kinda gets into my second point.

Part of dealing with this is learning an impulse progressive cishet dude have had to get used to over the decade. Sometimes, "men are trash" or even "kill all men" are not literal phrases. They are things women say when they're in the throes of trauma to vent their frustration. "Men are trash" in particular is generally pretty lighthearted and used to complain when you have a bad date or something. You have to get used to analyzing what someone actually means and airing on the side of empathy. You, as a man, are the one with some amount of systemic power over that woman, so you are the one who needs to prove you are dedicated to not being a misogynist. The same thing happens when my friends say they hate white people. I have to assume they don't hate me given that I'm their friend, but that I still have some of the negative traits of whiteness. I need to care enough to be a good friend by being anti-racist and checking myself on my behavior. I need to be willing to prioritize their comfort over mine. That includes not becoming this meme:

Now that that's established, there ARE times when "all men are evil and should die" is an actual ideology. It's an ideology that hurts tons of minority groups before it hurts the most powerful, but it's also not really great if we assume it only hurts cishet white guys. Following it to its logical conclusion, it just proposes a reversal of oppression dynamics. This gender essentialism is a key part of radical feminism, trans exclusionary or not, but it leaks out of that community to general feminism all the time.

As a young person on Tumblr and Twitter, this deeply affected me. I internalized the idea that you can "just be a girl." It was repeated by some trans girls, but also a LOT of TME people. It was framed as trans inclusive, but it's trans inclusive in the way "political lesbianism" is lesbian positive. It posits gender as a moral choice that is completely up to the individual and unrelated to biology. It's the lazy version of "gender is a social construct." I felt sick and disgusting for wanting to be a boy because tons of well-meaning friends of mine had made it clear that "being a boy" was a choice, and it was the wrong one. "Boy" was a social category that could and should eventually be eradicated. Trans women were conditionally supported because they, in theory, made this future possible. This didn't amount to actual support, of course. It was an ideology mostly spread by afab queer people that mostly benefited afab queer people. There were a few trans girls who spread it, maybe some due to genuinely believing in the ideology and some due to social pressure, but there were also a lot of people straight-up grifting as trans girls who used this thinking to feel powerful in a niche community of teens. Remember fucking Yandere Bitch Club???

At a certain point, I genuinely thought of being a man as an unambiguous moral failing, and I lashed out at out trans men because of it. I wanted to feel powerful, and here was a type of man in my community I could shame and exclude. I still feel bad for making a bunch of ~girls only~ stuff in HS that excluded the one out trans dude at our school, my friend, because he was just a ~binary man~ and leaving him with no friends and no community. I treated transphobia like it wasn't a real oppression on its own and, in doing so, perpetuated transphobia. It happens a lot.

I wasn't really able to accept that there was nuance to the concept of manhood until I read this article while struggling to accept my own gender:

This is a pretty seminal piece of writing. It has its flaws, of course, but the empathy and intersectionality it highlights was life-changing. It also shows that this kind of thinking is largely perpetuated by TME people and hurts trans women greatly.

Gender essentialism is a bad ideology, it's a transphobic, transmisogynist, racist, etc etc ideology. It's literally essential to patriarchy. But it's also very easy to repackage into leftism and easy to dogwhistle. As a result, it's natural to be hesitant when you see someone saying they hate all men, but you have to tread extremely lightly and actually care what they're attempting to express. Because, yeah, men as a social class still hold power over women. They still have reason to fear and hate men.

I'm writing a comic about this stuff, actually, so look out for it in the future..........

[menlove]

as a card carrying terf I don’t think trans ppl are disgusting and neither does any radfem i’ve ever met, vast majority of us dgaf about trans people specifically; we want single-sex spaces to exist and btw trans people need those single-sex spaces too. trans women deserve to have spaces for Just trans women and cis women deserve spaces with Just cis women etc etc. i highly recommend doing some actual research into radical feminism instead of repeating the "theyre all conservatives who hate gnc people and find trans people disgustinf and want to kill them" that is simply not true lmao. you may be surprised a what you learn! sincerely a gnc lesbian and proud radfem

I have in fact done much research into radical feminism babe! trust me I have spent hours in yalls spaces! and you simply cannot speak for every single terf just as I can't speak for every trans person. you can't say "come on NO ONE IS SAYING-" just like I can't say that either. do you know every terf? have you seen every blog? have you been a trans person (particularly a trans woman) on the internet trying to just exist in peace? no? then you don't get to say "no terf is SAYING-" because yes, a lot of you are!

"no terf thinks trans people are disgusting" cool so when I was 19 and hadn't touched testosterone a day in my life and had she/they in my bio one of you coming into my ask going "I can tell by looking at you that you'll never be a woman lmfao" bc I'm latine w a shitton of body hair and non-eurocentric features, THAT was out of love for ✨women✨.

when yall (not you specifically but your group you associate with) get on twitter and pick apart the selfies women post telling them they're ugly and following it up by saying you KNOW they're "men" and it turns out 9/10 you've just harassed a cis woman who just doesn't meet eurocentric beauty standards, that's so totally cool and awesome and out of love for cis women and a want for separate spaces right?

when yall go into trans people's asks and tell us to kill ourselves, call us pedophiles, call us rapists, call us ugly... that shit just doesn't happen, right? and yes I'm Aware yall get death and rape threats too. you shouldn't, it's gross on both sides, but really it's not proving your point here.

it's fucking infuriating. you're infuriating. because radical feminism could be something worthwhile (and funnily enough I've met a lot of older ex radfem lesbians who have veered away from it bc of how fucking vitrolic yall are towards trans people). but instead, it is steeped and inseparable from the mire of hatred and disgust that you parrot. you don't give a single shit about women, whatever sex.

I'm an assigned female at birth lesbian who has only ever slept with other people with vaginas (consensually anyway). I can't tell you the amount of hate I've gotten from yall. just for being trans. even though I meet your definition of being a woman and being a lesbian. it doesn't matter because your hatred for people you deem as degenerate outweighs actually fucking advocating for feminism.

I'm not even going to argue with you on how useless single sex spaces actually are bc despite their best attempts there's always going to be problems (namely: fun fact cis women can be awful too AND how the fuck are you going to check and enforce this rule? what is your end goal?).

but what I AM going to say is no, sorry, that's NOT what a lot of you think. that's what YOU think. that's why YOU'RE a terf. but actually fucking look at the people around you. go on a trans person's blog or twitter who's receiving harassment and fucking try and tell me it's to promote "uwu safe spaces" like.... be fucking serious with me right now lmfao

you're not conservatives! but you are a bunch of fucking assholes who care more about harassing trans people than building a feminism that might actually have teeth. if you're using those teeth to attack a group more vulnerable than you, you're just an aggressor.

tldr you don't speak for all of them, go fuck yourself, etc

[velvetvexations]

I'm putting these asks in as text because my inbox is so packed rn lol. Love you Velvet Nation!

i swear to god cisfeminist spaces are the worst. a lesbian was asking why straight people have such bad sex (for the woman in the relationship, regarding the orgasm gap) and everyone jumped onto how testosterone is the reason for it (as in testosterone makes you want to orgasm in 3 minutes with no regard for extending sex outside of wanting to orgasm), even a trans woman saying the sex is so much better with oestrogen in her system. and me and a few other transmascs pointed out to this trans woman that it was probably because she was running on the wrong hormones, and any of us transmascs that dared to say we have extremely fulfilling sex that is infinitely better than the sex we had before we started T was absolutely shat on and berated for “speaking over women” even though we were just sharing our experiences, it’s just that those opinions went against the bioessentialism held deeply by the community

Yo, that's fucked? What the hell? Do people seriously earnestly not get how they come off here?

aside from OOP ignoring all of the black transmascs and other transmascs of colour in the discussion around transandrophobia (including a trans man of colour coining the term), i wonder if they believe we’re making up black transmascs because the transradfems i’ve seen so far have been overwhelmingly white. maybe because radfeminism is inherently racist or something… and their bible is written by a middle-class white woman with no perspective on transmisogynoir and this reflects upon a lot of the discussions of transmisogyny to this day…

Radical feminism is inherently Karenesque. They cross the street when they see the PoC transmascs they spend every waking hour slagging off approach on the sidewalk.

I just really want to chill and watch anime together with you some time, your taste is based as fuck

It sure is!

most bizarre thing i have seen today: a transradfem who clearly believes 100% closeted and non-passing transmascs have privilege over cis women but dancing around actually saying it because they know deep down it might get them backlash from the less radical transradfems

I don't even think it would.

I am still very "read another fucking author" at all the transfeminists who only ever quote Julia Serrano, but finding out she *also* hates the terms TMA/TME made my fucking week. Like, the transradfems' hero doesn't even agree with them!

A lot of them didn't even read Whipping Girl.

Can confirm male/female socialization is not actually a consistent thing because I was literally too autistic to internalize any gender roles, at least in relation to myself. Just. Never learned! Like water off a ducks back

High five!

Really if you take a character who presents as one gender and transition them some trans person is going to be mad about it cause they saw themselves in the original conception of the character. It's inevitable.

Yeah, that is the unfortunate truth of the matter.

That second paragraph is literally what terfs say about trans women. Turning that on trans men doesn't make you any more feminist it just makes you transphobic. (This is directed at the op of that post not you velvet)

Radical feminism is so fucking easy to recognize no matter how repackaged it is.

Racist feminism anon here: see this is the reason I feel like shit for having any critiques of feminism whatsoever. Like hashtag Not All Women obviously but literally these specific women aren't listening to marginalized men. We're not talking about whatever cis white able-bodied Elon Musk fan they think stands in for "men" in this situation. They put "valid concerns" in scare asterisks as though the very idea we have any is laughable. And no actually racism is not a "secondary manifestation" of misogyny and while transphobia stems from misogyny it shouldn't be treated as secondary for any trans person. How the fuck are we supposed to point out that white woman separatism leaves behind men who actually do suffer under patriarchy when it gets telephoned into "you stupid fucking bitch shut up I'll fucking kill you"

The point is making it so you can't.

BTW, I didn't get to edit it into the post before they blocked me, but they were reblogging Actual Nazi shit, like, the OP of the post was progressive but our dumbass here didn't notice that "if there was no hope their propaganda would be unnecessary" is (a) a popular Nazi thing and (b) added to the post by a literal Nazi.

It never does, they're fully removed from this plane of existence.

Note: At this point I kinna forgot I wasn't screenshotting these

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

I can't believe someone who's BFFs with a tankie is a hypocrite.

You're the second person to apologize for using that format and it always makes me think of the clown-names drama every time.

[manie-sans-delire-x]

Are you a terf? I'm genuinely asking because I'd like to know. And why not or why are you?

I didn't even know what "terf" or "tra" or any of this nonsense was 3 yrs ago. I miss that.

But yeah sure why not. Or not, if you don't think I am. I think a lot of "tra/gendies" type people would say I was, but a lot of "terf/radfem" types would say I'm a very problematic and undedicated one at best, which is true. I think the ideology and worldview is correct and accurate of reality, but I'm not subscribed to their promoted practices, although I do support them.

Keep yapping

As in like, I still choose to shave my legs, wear makeup, date/have sex with men. I want a nose job. I sometimes enjoy being catcalled. I sometimes sell nudes and I'm an ex(?) prostitute. I like kinky BDSM sex. But I can separate my individual personhood and choices from the overall, objective reality of the world and what I think is healthy for women in general.

If taking the term terf literally- I am a feminist for sure, I don't think I'm radical at all, I actually think it's all basic old school feminism and just common sense and blatant reality. I don't exclude trans people, I hope everyone supports feminism and womens rights, regardless if theyre trans or not. Thats irrelevant. Thats just one trait of who someone is, and the recent internet trend is to treat them and themselves like thats their entire identity and personhood. Team Trans against everyone else. Obviously its an important part, but its not supposed to determine the rest of someones views and beliefs. Being trans isnt a political party.

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I've always been a leftist, voted democrat (identify independent/no party), never has a single problem with the left party til about 3 yrs ago. I've supported gay rights since I first learned what gay even was at like 10 yrs old, I once got in trouble for supporting gay/trans in elementary school in a fairly rural town, I voted for and celebrated when gay marriage was legalized- (I had just turned 18 in time to vote in my first election, I was so excited to be part of history and help achieve something genuinely good!)

I don't give a shit what clothes people wear, or what name they go by. Even what pronouns they would like me to use for them, if it truly matters so much to them. I just dont care that much. I'll be polite and respect them as a person enough to refer to them as they wish. I will always vote for trans people and gay, lesbian, bi, whatever, to have equal access to health care, education, voting rights, safety in prison, etc and have equal rights to everyone else.

Ive had/have friends who are trans, intersex, gay, lesbian, bi. I'm a straight woman but Ive had sex with women a few times. I would be open to dating a transman, if they "felt like" a male to me. And I know I know "but I have black friends" but you know what, it does point to someone not being a bigot. It does way more than it doesnt. Because be fr most real bigoted, hateful people wouldnt have "xyz" friends or even talk to them. So if terf automatically means bigot, I dont think thats fair or accurate of myself at all, and quite laughable when youve seen genuine, hateful people who want to deny equal legal rights or literally lynch people just for a trait they have. Very sheltered and dramatic use of the word. Insulting really.

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I started having a problem with the trans/gender/pronouns movement when they started the science denial. And then next came the forced invasion of private spaces (all womens spaces only of course), the silencing and policing and harassment if you dont fall in line, and the erasure of womens history and identity. Even the word woman?? Are you kidding me? That is insane. How can they preach about the importance of identity yet rip away the very word for a female human?? Half the human population? Its evil is what it is. Its wrong. Incredible misogyny and anti-feminism.

And god, the constant hate and policing and self righteousness in general. Slurs, insults, sexual threats are also commonly thrown left and right. Most have a very condescending holier than thou attitude, always so aggressive. Very unlikeable as a group.

Never trust an idealogy or group that bans you from learning about the opposition. That discourages conversation, doesnt allow disagreement or any differing opinions. That has some mantra that must never be questioned. Its the same bullshit as any church or cult. Its all the same in the end- its group-think, its social control.

This entire gender belief system comes down to nothing but magical thinking, circular logic based off feelings, hypocrisy and contradictions, ever-changing idealogy, and forced use of their terminology, even in other cultures and languages.

The most extreme TRAs I've seen were all white, and they do this although they claim to oppose white colonialism. And they try to discredit radfems by saying theyre all white feminists? Which I think is highly untrue because well, the huge 4B movement in Korea is also accused of being "radfem/terf". And from my experience, the most radfem women are brown or black or asian because they get it. White western women still have it the best in the world. Colored women are still suffering from extreme misogyny and they see it first hand everyday. Korean women say never to marry Korean men, my Japanese mother told me never to marry a Japanese man, my Japanese grandmother hides money from her husband "just in case", I know my Indian friends mom told her the same thing. They know. They get it.

You cannot use the word in its own definition. You cant say a woman is someone who feels like a woman. That is an empty definition and circular logic. And if you say its someone who feels "feminine", aka nurturing and submissive and likes pink, well thats just regressive, sexist, and conservative af.

15 years ago, the progressive take that "the youths" were pushing was that a guy could wear a pink dress (and still be a guy), that your sex didnt limit or define you, that gender roles were to be abolished. Its sad but interesting to see it come back around to repackaged gender roles.

I also grew up in the time where white Christian republican moms hated Harry Potter and banned their kids from reading them because it was "witchcraft", demonic, and un-Christian. I used to sneak my books to a boy in class with a mom like that. Now the white liberals want to burn these kids books lmfao! Thats just truly funny.

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Reddit story

I realized how bad it was getting when my long term Reddit account (lots of karma, tons of positive interactions and highly upvoted posts) got permanently deleted, and I was banned off all of Reddit forever. What could I have possible have done?? Said the forbidden words: "Woman means female human." I got tons of upvotes and many similar comments expressed similar sentiments, also with lots of upvotes, before many of them got perma banned as well. None of these were hateful or negative btw, most didnt even mention trans until some tra types started getting mad. They were just talking about word and science erasure. Its actually so funny- one commenter said "What? That doesn't happen" in response to someone joking that the post is gunna be taken down soon since anything to do with sexual science is "transphobic" now. I went back later and saw- his account got perma banned too, just for interacting with that comment. Guess he learned that day. The post, which was very popular, also got taken down. The post was a video of a science museum, showcasing pelvic human bones. It had two pelvises, showing the differences between female and male, and how female pelvic bones could shift to make room for birthing infants. Deleting that video, silencing all those comments? Thats as science denial as it gets. Thats anti-education and anti-science. Are they gunna shut down the museum next? Burn the textbooks? Claim witchcraft? This is ABSURD.

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Bottom line/What I actually care about

-"Woman" is the word for an adult female human in the English language.

-"Female" is defined by the sex that produces large gametes ("eggs"), has an internal reproductive system (consisting of ovaries, Fallopian tubes, the womb, and the vagina), and in mammals- the only sex with the ability to menstruate, conceive a pregnancy, give birth to live young, and produce milk from breast glands.

-Evolution is real. Humans are an animal species with a sex binary and sexual dimorphism with innate developmental and physical differences between the sexes.

-Women are denied equal legal rights and systematically oppressed in patriarchal cultures and religions because of the sex they're born as, not their gender identity. Fucking duh.

-Female only spaces are important and needed. (Trans ppl should be allowed to have trans only spaces as well). (Im never going to support the invasion or erasure of female only spaces, especially for populations already at heightened risk. Female safety is more important than male feelings- and its never a female trying to get into the males prison or spa or sports is it? Its morally wrong to prioritize the desires of a few over the needs of the many. Its wrong to prioritize emotions over physical safety.)

-The importance of sex division in sports, places of nudity (bathrooms, locker rooms, spas), domestic violence shelters, rape and trauma support groups, and assigned rooms in inpatient care or cells in prison.

-Children cannot consent and should not be allowed to make any decision that would permanently alter their natural body or derail their natural development. The vast majority of trans children are not "true trans", but just gay/lesbian/bi, often with homophobic or attention seeking family vlogger type parents. Many are also autistic, or have been sexually abused. They need therapy and acceptance, not surgery or medical intervention- only as a very last resort after years of thought and therapy. Obviously there may be a rare exception and each case is different. Adults should be free to make their own choices.

-Prostitution is highly tied to and inseparable from sex trafficking. Sex work should not be glorified or encouraged and is highly dangerous and harmful. Pimps and johns are sexual predators who should be severely criminally punished.

-The porn industry promotes unhealthy sexuality, is harmful to society, and is an industry over-run with horrific abuse, violence, and trauma.

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My personal "radicalization" story/last straw story is this:

So like I said I wasnt even aware of this brewing cesspool of an issue until about 3 yrs ago. When I first started hearing the terms "terf/radfem" I figured they were just transphobes and casually agreed they sucked. But after so much constant hatred towards them, I got curious and decided to see how bad they were and started reading a few well written posts about their beliefs and such, and I was so incredibly confused because they were right? Almost everything they said was just true and it was shocking how much abuse was hurled at them. I thought I misunderstood, I didnt get it. I thought I must be missing something.

I had a long term internet friend and tumblr mutual. We used to be in a discord groupchat and little "personality disorder tumblr community" together. I think we had slight crushes on each other, occasionally playfully flirted, and I even (maybe kinda delusionally) thought we might even date one day. I knew he was getting more into the gender stuff than I was, but I was ok with that, I didnt mind that we had different opinions. I just ignored his posts that I disagreed with, but apparently he didnt feel the same and would sometimes argue about my reblogged posts, eventually told me he couldnt stay friends with me. The last straw was when he said women were oppressed because of gender, not sex. I had never even heard such a fucking stupid and blatantly untrue, so easily disproven concept before. I laughed. My mind was BLOWN I couldnt believe someone could possibly be serious and say that. Let alone someone I thought was intelligent. And was an ally to women. But he was serious and I was so done. How he could say such a thing as a black man, I will never know. I will never forgive him for that.

About a year before that, I learned that this mutual had been accused of rape by his ex gf. I'd heard stories about how crazy and abusive she was before, and naturally I believed my friend, so that was the impression I had of her. She was also "jealous" of me and would occasionally harass and insult me on anon I think? Memories a bit blurred. So I just believed that she was an unstable, obsessive ex. Which may or may not be true. Either way, one time she reached out to me and told me that he had raped her in the past- I think she said she was 14 and he was 19 when they had sex, the consent was dubious, he groomed her, something along those lines.

I told her that I couldnt just believe her- a complete stranger who had acted psycho to me in the past- over my long term friend with no evidence. I think she had filed a police report against him and showed me pics of that or something? But it could easily be edited or from somewhere else, and he also had pics of her allegedly breaking stuff, and I thought they were both just being toxic and messy. Like I said, it was a group for people with personality disorders. I also told her that I also didnt believe her because she had gone back to him/kept dating him after the alleged rape. I regret it now. I wish I could apologize to her. At the time I didnt understand, I couldnt fathom that. Why would someone ever go back to someone who raped them? Three yrs later, I understand now, as someone who has now done that themselves.

In this last fight, this mutual also made some nonsensical comparison between me and my rapist. I trusted him. I thought he understood. He was the first one I told after I was raped for the first time. He helped me talk it out and understand it. He was the one who got me to see that it was rape when I was severely confused, in denial and blaming myself. So I thought he couldnt have done it. He was a "man who got it".

I believed and trusted him when he was faced with a rape allegation. But he couldnt stay friends with me because I said women are oppressed because of their sex.

So yeah. I'll never forgive him. Fuck you to the moon and back.

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So many words- terfs, swerfs, radfem- all to shut down the voices of one population- feminist women. No such words for anyone else. The woke version of frat bros calling you a feminazi bitch.

I'm never going to support the silencing of feminists, or the denial of science. I would be executed in the 1300s and some would like to execute me now. Modern era witch hunt.

Thank you for reading this long ass post if anyone takes the time!! And thank you for the ask!

(Since I ended up writing a whole rant, let me leave this video because I think it demonstrates how unhinged this has all become. This is SO wrong. Wtf are yall doing.

Mom protecting daughter attacked by TRA mob. A literal mob.

Video: https://youtu.be/5DFv8OaYXQI?si=TmzA7-r6QvfDNUH_ )

[biohorror-human]

I think I'm done with online radfem circles now. I learned a lot from the tirfs, yall were pretty great, but the terfs? I've been called a genetic defect, an oppressor, and a degenerate too many times when people think im a man- and a predator / pervert who wants to invade women's spaces when they think I'm a trans woman. Even on the rare occasions people think I'm a woman they treated me like a naive toddler for using they/them pronouns. Main difference between those 3 identities is how often I get told to kill myself by radfems.

I tolerated it for a few months, and I did learn a lot of stuff from the tirfs, and even engaged in a lot of really productive conversations with them, but all the terfs did was make me miserable. Never taught me a damn thing, never wanted to help me understand the movement I was curious about, just pure fucking vitriol. I could sit around longer and continue to be a willing punching bag for angry radfems who want a man to take their anger out on, but I'm done now. I can go read actual theory.

I downloaded Tumblr for the cool art and the LGBT community. Out there you can talk about being bi, and your experiences with gender dysphoria, and people will help you understand what you're going through and be super patient with questions. I never joined this so I could open my phone and see a pseudo-scientific diagram that breaks down how I'm actually a genetic defect who was born from a broken chromosome, and how that makes my life worth less than that of cattle.

Despite this, I think radical feminism is good. I think radfems are mostly horrible fucking people who got an ideology about destroying social classes and dismantling patriarchy, and used it to harbor their reactionary ideas about race and sex essentialism backed by pseudoscientific eugenicist ideas. But radical feminism? Or "nuancefeminism" as tirfs call it? Good shit. Dismantling patriarchy and the concepts of gender that make class based oppression possible? That's good stuff.

But I think I'm done now. Gonna go back to art and LGBT stuff. In my time being in radfem circles I've sort of become ashamed of being a man, in almost exactly the same way I was when I was younger and my conservative family members would try to make me do things I didn't want to do because "it's for men" and constantly sexualize all my interactions with girls. I only lost that shame and that idea that it was all my sex meant I could be once I was introduced to LGBT groups. I was really damn happy, and I wasn't hurting anyone, and I'm done being a miserable mess like your fuckers so I'm going back there now.

Except for the tirfs / "nuancefems". You were all super nice. I learned more from you than any of the other radfems. Helped me better realize which of my actions were actually rooted in misogyny without making me feel ashamed of my biology.

[limeade-l3sbian]

What’s your opinion on radical feminists who become “blackpilled” so to speak? Who eventually loses a lot of their compassion and empathy for women who fail to help themselves? Who lose hope for a better future for women all over the world when majority of women will never be able to separate them far enough from men to make any real change forward.

I think it is perfectly natural and probably more frequent than some women will admit to lose faith and to become frustrated with the women who still prioritize their proximity to men over the progress of women as a class. I've certainly felt that way. Especially as a lesbian, the concept of prioritizing men feels completely foreign to me.

Change requires discomfort, stubbornness, and unity. And the world we face has made it much harder to be able to deal with discomfort. The short term advantages of conceding to the patriarchy has made stubbornness seem useless. And the unity of women is fractured into everyone's personal definitions of what feminism is.

And on paper, I can understand it. I only get one life and you want me to spend it being angry and fighting against this thing that's been around forever when I can just concede and live more comfortably? This is, of course, the Western thinking of feminism as there are plenty of countries where defiance and submission lead down the same path of control and abuse.

But I can't imagine giving up. I can't imagine turning inward on the women around me and calling them the real problem. I can't give my anger to women who have never known any other life than submitting to men. Who have been fed religions that teach them in their formative years that their existence, as a whole, is servitude. I can be frustrated, and yes, I can even be angry.

Compassion saves lives. It does bring change. The change we are looking for will not come in giant displays of revolution. It's little battles and persistent defiance on behalf of those women who can't. That's why fights to suppress women's rights are at an all time high. It's why men complain about not being able to find a good woman because so many "act like men." They're referring to unapologetic independence and utilizing our means of that to decide what we do with our lives.

And that's just the Western effect. What about in East Asia where the birth rates are lower? Where being a feminist is an insult and women, safely and proudly, call themselves feminists? The women in Latin America who march for abortion rights and for justice when femicides occur? The women in Africa forming spaces just for women to learn and live without the threat of child marriages and rape?

I think when you give up on women and feminism, you're giving up on those women too. How dare I, a woman in the West, proclaim that feminism is pointless and give up while women in countries that could feasibly kill them without repercussions continue to risk their lives just to say they deserve peace and rights.

I understand feeling hopeless, but you must hold onto compassion because it is what these women who cannot help themselves need. It is what they will look for when they realize the world we live in. They won't look for a fist to invite them, they'll want an open hand.

[tirfpikachu]

as someone who has a complete distrust of anyone who labels themselves as radfems since they seem to be (at least a loud minority on every platform) straight up right-wing and racist, thank you for reminding me that some of yall are sane and normal. i don't consider myself a radical feminist by any means and i still dont want to touch the radfem community w a 10ft pole (im a transmasc lesbian of colour... i just cant trust it) but its cool to know theres some people who are normal over there. rock on

THAT MEANS THE WORLD TO MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! I RARELY GET SUPPORT FROM YOUR SIDE OF THE TUNGLR BORDER SO I TRULY REALLY APPRECIATE IT 🙏 this made me smile so much!

i really am trying very hard to build my lil corner of radblr and encourage nuance, as well as fighting bigotry and tradwife type shit within radfem spaces! i'm trying to make people realize that all marginalized folks can learn to be better allies to one another, while still acknowledging afab/female-specific oppression & celebrating all kinds of gayness, including exclusive same-sex (agab) attraction; aka what's traditionally been called homosexuality. i want to welcome everyone who directly faces or has faced misogyny irl into complex feminist discussions in good faith without aggression, without slurs or unnecessary personal attacks. i want radfem/nuancefem talks to involve terms like male/female as purely sex-based terms like amab/afab, and for trans men to not be any less of a man in society just bc they're female, and ofc for trans women to be as much my sisters as any cis/bio woman so long as they still recognize their male/amab upbringing, and show equal respect to me & my specific struggles as a female person. i have had incredible talks with all kinds of folks in my server! from transmasc radfems to the most wonderful transfem allies, and some folks who add intersex/DSD nuance to our conversations. i don't believe in misgendering, slurs, or anything of the sort to do anything other than harm ppl who struggle with a very debilitating disorder, dysphoria, one that i struggled with for years and years. that's not the way to help anyone! we do still need more open talks about detransition, and plans on how to prevent even more detransitioners, since there really is a higher number of detrans cases than ever before. people who now, like me, struggle with reverse dysphoria and often need expensive procedures. i also want us to talk about transfem experiences, and just gnc male experiences in general, not just to offer support but also learn more about the intricacies of the patriarchy which is essential for my specific brand of radical feminism. i've nicknamed it as tirfism, or me being a nuancefem - a feminist who is against the way mainstream feminism & qweer activism is currently handling female-specific and homosexual issues, and aims to foster nuance on complex topics!

there are more of us than you'd ever imagine, and we're finally managing to find eachother. i highly recommend reading through @pokegyns for more nuanced takes from my lovely server friends. i believe trans voices are essential to nuancefeminism and tirfism, and i'm very blessed to have lovely transmasc & transfem mods on my server. they provide fascinating insights that we really need right now. it's also very comforting to know that there are nuanced trans people in the modern world... sometimes it feels like the lgbt community is completely close-minded to discussions of female-specific oppression and homosexuality. but that actually isn't the case! i think there's a lot of discomfort going around feminist & lgbtq communities, and it's reaching the boiling point. so long as people like you anon are out there willing to research and learn more about non-transphobic, anti-conservative radical feminism and dispell myths about us, i know we will be alright in the end and a bridge between all the marginalized communities is still possible in the near future if we keep working on it. thank you so much for reaching out!!

[orkbutch]

your nun au. i like it very much. if you don't mind, can you tell me more about it? like what is shadowheart's story? what is up with lae'zel? why is karlach so cute?

Absolutely, I am very eager to talk about it! This is gonna be long tho haha. tw for addiction and self-harm

Shadowheart grew up in a relatively normal, casually Catholic family, but shes always had shit going on. Clinically depressed, and she definitely has a personality disorder, probs BPD, defs not diagnosed because its the 90's and shes masking HEAVY. Even as a kid she was pretty into catholicism though, and liked Christ and his weird more-than-human self sacrificial vibes.

At 13 while in boarding school she got lured into a cult (where she was given her name). This was a mix of older girls and a few much older people outside the boarding school, all women. They were a political cult of feminist seperatists, but also had a layer of idiosyncratic spiritualism originating entirely from the cult leader Shar (real name Sharon). Edgy stuff about darkness, the night, pain and sacrifice being good. But in particular there was a focus on pursuing oblivion, and that resulted in Shadowheart doing some very destructive substances at a very young age, and learning how effective numbness was when coping with being a depressed teenager with BPD. She realised she was a lesbian while in this group, and that wasn't great because Shar was Not chill about that at all. These were radical second wave feminists that considered sex inherently reproductive of patriarchal power dynamics, and the cult was firmly asexual; lesbians were considered gender traitors and particularly looked down on. (Transgender people were not even acknowledged; truly old school r*dfems.) Her attraction to women is what made her question things most throughout her time there, but she was very young and impressionable; she wouldn't start to really firmly question things until she was 16.

She was, through all of this, a big fan of Christ; in fact some of the cult's ideology kinda deepend her concept of Christ and martyrdom, which she admired greatly. Self sacrifice was The Ultimate Virtue to her; a loving masochism, which really spoke to her (and her self-harming tendencies).

She escaped at 17 and didn't return home; she immediately became a novitiate within an Irish-Catholic cloister. This would have been in the early 80's. She dove head first into being a dedicated cloistered nun; it wasn't that different from her time in Shar's group except a lot more sober. When she took her vows and became a full fledged nun, she descended further into worship and over her 10 years there, she became more and more... Medieval with it.

This was a Problem, because this was the late 80's moving into the early 90's in the UK - not only was Vatican II well and truly instilled in the practices of all cloisters, but feminism had been kicking around for a while now and had only gotten more popular. Nuns being hidden away from the world, participating in shame circles and self flagellating was well and truly Over and were banned practices. But Shadowheart researched older methods of worship from deeply devoted cloistered nuns and dove in, because they felt meaningful, helped her cope and they made her feel special to Christ.

Something that had a big impact on her was her duties as a volunteer nun overlapping with the AIDS crisis. She found that she had to consistently fight her sisters and abbess to be allowed to assist people with HIV. This forced her to contend with her queerness, the morality of her relationship to other gay people. That prompted her to start exploring lesbianism and queer community secretly, which tempered her obsessive cloistered nun tendencies; she still self flagellated and prized self sacrifice, but her shame was being challenged, and she had felt how much she wanted diverse, queer community.

Her and Lae'zel started hooking up when she was 25; it started as moments of desperate desire for relief and comfort, but became a little more than that as time went on. (It fucked with Lae'zel A Lot.) Shadowheart was finally kicked out at 27 when not only was she caught with another nun (not Lae'zel), the extent of her self-harm was seen on her body. She became too much of a liability for the cloister. Very soon after that, Karlach appeared in her apartment.

I'll expand on Lae'zel in a reblog >:)

[boreal-sea]

Sex based oppression is a terf term and I would recommend you don't use it, it's also transmisognyistic to imply there's a male supremacy, as a trans woman, it can be used as an argument that *I* would be harming cis women just for existing, which is what the terfs want

Please learn more about trans misogyny and learn from mistakes!

😘💕 xoxo no harm towards the previous anon or you op

I would really like it if some of y'all would cite WHY you think sex-based oppression" is a terf term. Who coined it? When? Why? Y'all also never suggest any alternative language.

But firstly:

An afab person talking about sexism and the hatred afab people face - regardless of the words they use - does not imply the existence of "male supremacy". The only way the words "sexism" or "sex-based oppression" can mean "male supremacy" is if you believe in a world of binaries, where if something is true for X, the opposite must be true for Y. If you go down THAT rabbit hole, THAT is radical feminism/terfism speaking. And if you think discussing sexism against afab people is equivalent to saying "male supremacy exists", I cannot help you.

Sexism is not solely perpetrated by males, nor are females the only targets - but we are the targets for whom sexism was designed and intended for. However, unlike the adherents to the "TMA/TME" dichotomy, I'm not going to sit here and say "only afab people can experience sexism, because sexism is only against females".

Fact: anyone can experience sexism.

A societal hatred of afab people does not mean all amab people are going to be treated as superior, because that's not how oppression works. Our society hates afab people, things associated with afab people, and anyone who doesn't perform malehood exactly right.

Two truths:

Our society treats people who were assigned female at birth as second-class citizens.

Our society treats trans women as second-class citizens for various reasons, many of them involving sexism, just like the oppression it places on people assigned female at birth!

These two facts exist simultaneously. They do not contradict each other. They in fact are intricately linked.

Furthermore, just because our society oppresses people assigned female at birth based on our birth sex does not mean all amab people oppress all afab people. People who were assigned male at birth are not oppressing people assigned female at birth just by existing.

Now. Back to your uncited claims that "sex-based oppression" is a terf term: I can find sources of academic articles (behind paywalls) going all the way back to 1983 using the phrase "sex-based oppression". What's YOUR source it is a modern-day terf dogwhistle? Or is it just that terfs happen to use the phrase a lot?

I genuinely would like someone to cite a reason why they think it's a terf phrase. I'm a scientist. Give me sources and proof, don't just say it at me.

[burningtheroots]

This is probably something that you haven't heard before, but honestly, terfs don't support gender nonconformity as much as the trans community does. There's only so much you can stray from. For example, I've noticed that the main type of dysphoric woman that terfs support are almost always buff and athletic or the ones with bad cases of baby face. Not to mention how uneasy some are when they can't tell the difference between a gnc man and cis woman. As someone who's afab, the trans community has helped me a lot more than what I've seen from terfs.

I can‘t judge your experiences, but I can assure you that there are many misconceptions about (gender critical) radfems, especially since the term "TERF" gets thrown around from all sides and basically lost its meaning. People either label anyone who disagrees with their ideology as a TERF or you‘ll also meet many people who call themselves TERFs although they never spent a single day reading & learning about actual radical and gender critical feminism.

As someone who actually did their research and is mutuals with actual radfems who did their research as well, I can gurantee you that we are completely pro gender-nonconformity. We want to abolish these stereotypes altogether, and of course we don’t approve it when someone says "xy is a feminine/masculine thing" or "xy makes me feminine/masculine".

We want it to be neutral, and we also want people to realize that many byproducts of gender roles are patriarchal and therefore shouldn’t be glorified (we don’t tell you not to enjoy make-up, for example, we just tell you that it‘s NOT feminist, regardless of your sex, though this is a different topic).

The problem with transgenderism is that these people adapt stereotypes associated with their opposite sex and think that makes them a member of the opposite sex. It doesn’t. Wear a dress or whatever, that in itself is fine, but when you‘re male, don‘t pretend otherwise. Yet most "transwomen" adapt stereotypical womanhood and think being stereotypically feminine = being a woman.

If all of those people simply lived their lives expressing themselves however they like without trying to erase the reality & importance of sex, especially when it comes to law (why should a metaphysical concept outweigh a biological reality when this biological reality is the reason women are oppressed & need single-sex spaces, for example?), we wouldn’t have a problem.

"Transwomen" are GNC men. I approve of being GNC. But trying to be recognized as an adult human female is NOT their right, especially when it results in "I fulfill xy stereotype so I‘m a woman".

[beardedmrbean]

[Huey Zoomer Anon]

Fine I’ll make “barely disguised by make the radicals begrudgingly acknowledge it they want to disapprove it!” inspired fantasy character of the Mughal emperor

I not even getting into the “Boy harems” the Mughal nobels have…

Anyways, as you mention before now people who supposedly have degrees in psychology have WORST understanding than me. And I got a disorder that people seemingly believe I am incapable of having empathy

My brother in Christ I try to be kind and compassionate to npcs in Rated M games if I have the chance!

And you mention feminized stuff, well they hired a lot of people who really don’t understand the men mindset. Or don’t have self awareness to acknowledge and get references. Vs say me who look up culture norms and practices of different cultures I want to use

And tbh honest…they have terrible understanding how expressions works among other people. Like people points out how many black male characters can look very soft. Of course we also look different among each other. Like say Prince vs Mike Tyson when it comes to images of black men.

But it obviously more “I am scared of traditional masculinity and need to soften black men features.”

Also..it been abused to death but, trauma? Yeah a lot of people who had rough lives or beginnings can look rough around the edges

Like I mentioned before, AC Yasuke does matches what i suspect. Man you can clearly see survived hell but still want to do good.

And like how they act like this first times we see black/non white characters as the main leads. No minus blade as that obvious, when I growing up seen black/non white characters as the main leads. And play with their cultures

But than suddenly in the 2010’s that all but drop until the most insufferable version of it

We have so much folklore and Mythos to properly put into western mainstream media like Hinduism, the Gilgamesh Epics, and far more

“But it not well known here!” THAN MAKE YOU LAZY SLOBS!

Minus the shitshow they are in rn, no one on the development team of the first Assassin Creed game would learn that the series they create would be used for the opening and closing ceremonies of the 2024 Paris Olympics

And I got the Bibek Debroy translations of the The Valmiki Ramayana and Mahabharata because I found a friend from India via our likeness towards a Star Wars character

Idk the excuse modern Hollywood writers got when I learning and buying books from different cultures on a Amazon Warehouse worker budget

Fine I’ll make “barely disguised by make the radicals begrudgingly acknowledge it they want to disapprove it!” inspired fantasy character of the Mughal emperor I not even getting into the “Boy harems” the Mughal nobels have…

Think they convinced themselves that it's not gay so long as they're only raping prepubescent boys, wouldn't work now for the most part except for in some parts of Afghanistan.

Hmmmmm

Not sure I believe the general here

Anyways, as you mention before now people who supposedly have degrees in psychology have WORST understanding than me. And I got a disorder that people seemingly believe I am incapable of having empathy My brother in Christ I try to be kind and compassionate to npcs in Rated M games if I have the chance!

I think there's a bit of arrogance that needs to be dealt with from the folks that have degrees sometimes, obviously not all, but looking around it's looking like it will become even more common.

And like how they act like this first times we see black/non white characters as the main leads. No minus blade as that obvious, when I growing up seen black/non white characters as the main leads. And play with their cultures

It's the race based version of feminisia which ignored every film before it to declare several movies in a row were the first time a female lead had happened in a action of scifi film.

We have so much folklore and Mythos to properly put into western mainstream media like Hinduism, the Gilgamesh Epics, and far more

Hope they get it right with that cartoon you showed me yesterday.

Minus the shitshow they are in rn, no one on the development team of the first Assassin Creed game would learn that the series they create would be used for the opening and closing ceremonies of the 2024 Paris Olympics

I imagine they were over the moon when they found out.

And I got the Bibek Debroy translations of the The Valmiki Ramayana and Mahabharata because I found a friend from India via our likeness towards a Star Wars character Idk the excuse modern Hollywood writers got when I learning and buying books from different cultures on a Amazon Warehouse worker budget

Books are good, they can't edit them from afar like they can with websites, keep reading the books.

they scare people for some reason, just be sure and have a spare pair of glasses so if the worst happens you don't wind up like one Mr. Henry Bemis

[satoriberry]

complaining about radical feminism bc even though it has a lot of good points, a lot are also very bad part idk what!!!

what the fuck is up with radfems literally seething when they learn that a member of their ideology has a GASPPPPP boyfriend!!! even worse A HUSBAND???? and oh my god can you imagine!!! A CHILD!!!! like what the fuck?? and yes i knowwww its bc blah blah blah inspirations taken from the 4B thing that came out of china and south korea, where the fundamental principles of their feminism is not having any sort of relations with a man nor having any children with one because marriage is a patriarchal institution (when it's a hetero marriage), and giving birth will systematically subjugate a women as mothers ar every handicapped societally and aren't treated fairly.

see im not denying that straight marriage has some dicey elements and that moms get a LOTTTT of shit from society. but why is it that women are shamed for their heterosexuality when it's not something they can control?? like i'm sorry but if a lady wants to marry a dude and have children with him it's literally her choice and if she doesnt thats fine too?? like they start calling her "male-centered" and justify the criticism she's facing which is nuts bc what the fuck do you mean she's male-centered do you hear the words that come out of your mouth?? what the fuck do you mean straight women need to be critical of their attraction to men!!! my brother why are you creating comphet 2.0 but for straight women!!!! this idea that women will be defiled with patriarchy germs if they come into any sort of romantic/sexual contact with a man genuinely feels like the flipside of purity culture but for "feminist" reasons and also it's like the cousin of political lesbianism which is the antithesis of "sexual orientation is uncontrollable".

"participating in male culture" and it's having a boyfriend BE FOR REAL!!! this is such a western concept to me as well bc in many eastern cultures young women have like little to no say when they're faced with the prospect of arranged marriage, and so the fact that you degenerates are complaining about VOLUNTARY marriage in modern societies whereas young girls in other countries don't have that kind of choice is!!! insane!!!! i have so much more to say about this but that's enough for today ig :333

[spirit-feminist-bookclub]

hi!! i don’t really know where to ask this question, but i’ve been interested in spirituality and radical feminism in a while, and i wonder how radical feminism, which is based on material reality, can be compatible with spirituality? just wondering ^^

hello, that's a fair question and something i've tried responding to before on my main blog (femmesandhoney), but personally to me spirituality includes believing in the human experience as something we choose to partake in to learn lessons, reincarnation, and all of us being a part and a reflection of the universe's energy. there is no such thing as a "female/feminine" or "male/masculine" energy within spirit, the universe has dark and light energies but to gender it is a consequence of our human condition that we view it from here on earth (gender is bullshit, but especially gendering the fucking universal energies is so stupid to me).

anyways, while i believe all of that about our spiritual existences, we are all experiencing the human experience on earth. that includes being in a male or female body and all of human history and the mistreatment and subjugation of women throughout it. these beliefs are completely compatible to me because material reality such as sex is what every single person including myself is living with on earth. there's no way to ignore the conditions of earth while we're here lol, everything has its own laws in a way. or melanie martinez once called it a "field trip" which i always thought was an apt comparison. you gotta behave and play by the rules of the field trip you signed up for lol.

i'm on earth, my energy is tied to this body until i die, and my entire experience in this lifetime is unique because i have chosen to be a women in this lifetime for whatever reason, and being a women in this world comes with a lot of good and bad equally. so, i'm a feminist in this lifetime. my material reality is not lost on me just because i believe in there being more to the universe and our existence. to ignore my reality and the conditions of women under the patriarchy is just frankily stupid, i want every women now and in the future to be better off on this planet and it's not because of any spiritual thing like i want "good karma" or something, i just think women are important and men on this planet treat us fucking terribly. my spiritual and feminist beliefs don't really bother one another for these reasons.

[thelesbianpoirot]

Hello, I am not getting any younger and I want to jump back into the bleak lesbian dating world. Should I act like a normie to get a wife? Or should I looksmaxx and stay true to my lesbian separatist beliefs?

On one end I betray myself but on the other I’d have to do an uncomfortable amount of work to become more good looking. I don’t think women will care about my beliefs if I’m jacked.

What do you think?

Babe this is so real, people like to pretend gay women don't care about appearance and that every lesbi woman wants a low effort fat butch, but that is a BIG lie. Even gay women have preferences informed by society, few vary. So looksmaxxing will probably get you more women. I did get more attention my dating app pages when I dressed femme, but I didn't want to do that anymore, so I just get a good haircut, nice looking clothes, put stuff on my face so I don't have awful acne and take pictures in great lighting. If you can do a bit more, like working out, and buying a cool outfit or two, do it, but don't do shit you can't maintain because she'll leave you if you can't keep it up. I met a girl when I was 125 pounds, shaved and with long hair to my ass, and she did not want me when I gained 50 pounds due to health issues and buzz it all off. I have lost some of that weight, but I am definitely not 130 anymore. And I left her because I realized she didn't want me anymore, and I was not staying with someone who didn't want me after I recovered from an eating disorder. But I also don't blame her because you can't force yourself to get turned on by someone you are not. BEING JACKED HELPS A LOT but if you hate exercise, just focus on getting fit, basic walking more, stretching, eating greens, drinking water. But date while you're working on your body, so you know what the dating landscape looks like, so when you post those updated pictures, and the interactions flood in, you aren't too out of your element. SUMMARY: LOOK GOOD IN AN EASILY MAINTAINED WAY - hygienic, well-dressed, good haircut etc. It does help with dating a lot. But being an impossible to maintain transformation will never last and whatever relationship you gained because of your transformation also won't last. I don't start off relationships with strong feminist conversations, I like to slowly introduce my beliefs. You don't want to be preachy and annoying, but don't go too much against your beliefs. You'll hate being stuck with a woman who is your ideological opposite, so if you're looking for more than sex, I'll so be true to yourself, but don't bulldoze her down in conversations if she says something un-feminist, everyone has space to learn. I personally cannot date a someone heavily into trans identity, I have tried that, and I just grew to hate that person, because they would constantly try defend TIMS against any criticism, kept implying I was a trans man, and they just talked about nothing but childish things and gender. It was so cringe, I had to get out of there. Don't do that to yourself. But there is nothing wrong with not bringing up the scum manifesto to your date. Just talking about other things you might have in common before you delve too deep into specifics - books, movies, hobbies, sports. I put feminist in my bio, because I think if that dissuades any woman, she isn't my type at all. I also put "interested in sexual relationships with adult women" for the same reason. But I don't put "radical feminist aligned" because radical feminism has been given such bad press, that despite a woman agreeing with everyone of my beliefs, she might have preconceived notions implanted by anti-feminists and trans activists. Separatism is niche, not well known, so a potential woman might google it, and find some dumb article by an anti-feminist and think you're some weirdo extremist or something. Even if every time I have explained separatism to a woman, she has agreed sounds incredible. Slowly share more and more of yourself with people, don't excitedly dump all at once. It's just rude otherwise. SUMMARY: Don't try to ideologically trample normal women, but don't date your ideological opposite, people are more accepting of your beliefs after they have known you for a while.