#i know you’re not on tumblr currently but this is for future you when you return

[vimse]

Ah wow it’s almost 2025, which means it’s time for the yearly art recap. Time flies when you’re struggling through your thesis, but I’m very pleased to scrounge up at least one Tech drawing per month. I’ll do a (not so) short reflection about my 2024 art under the cut if you’re interested, but for now, I’d like to express my greatest gratitude for everybody who has stuck around and shared my art. Hoping that 2025 will be a more productive art year. Byeee 🧡

Tl;dr under the cut: ramblings about my struggle in school, 2024 highlights, hopes and dreams next year

—

Let’s look back at last year’s summary:

What's next in 2024?

More Tech. Some things I'd like to explore in 2024 is character drawings beyond portraits, anatomy, simple backgrounds, OCs, storytelling through short comics, TBB band au, and maybe some commission work

Well, safe to say I didn’t get too much of that done haha. The reason for that is I’ve been really struggling with my undergraduate thesis work in chemistry. I don’t really know the root cause of it, but I just can’t bring myself to finish it and I’ve been procrastinating badly, so much that I’ve missed two presentation opportunities. The third opportunity is within 2 weeks and I’m nowhere finished or ready. It has been a constant source of stress and anxiety throughout 2024. I got burned out by the end of May and went to the school counsel to hand in my resignation notice, but got convinced to stick around but to finish it at a later date, because this is literally the last thing to do before I get my degree. Then afterwards I decided to go back to my old job full time, which has been very tiring and took a long time to adjust to. This is very obviously reflected in the amount of full illustration produced during July to October, especially September when I couldn’t bring myself to draw anything beyond Tech’s hand lol.

If I don’t finish my thesis in time for this round, I think I’ll finally throw in the towel for real. Maybe I’ve doomed my future or something but…this experience has made me feel incredibly (and constantly) bad for a whole year, and it has affected every aspect of my life. I’m very tired of it. And although my current job is very tiresome and probably detrimental to my health, it pays well and the colleagues are wonderful. Additionally, it is a niche job that I have years of experience in, with good connections, so I’m not currently worrying about my future job at all. And it’s still within the chemistry industry, so all the time I spent in school isn’t going to waste. In regard to my future, I’m more worried about wasting all of it on a conventional 7-16 job, of which I don’t think a degree in analytical chemistry would help me avoid anyways.

Okay, I’ve rambled enough. If you’re still here, thank you. Now, let’s look back to some positive highlights in my art year of 2024:

I think I’ve finally reached the point where I’m content with how I draw Tech. As evident by the picture above, it’s sort of consistent too, which is a bonus.

I joined my first zine!! It’s the Pabu Days zine and I can’t wait for everyone to get their copy of it. Everybody’s pieces are amazing. I wish I did better/more, but the creation period was during the worst time of my year, mental health-wise, and I have to accept that it was the best I could do at the time.

As for the “masterpiece” of 2024, my most proudest work is the CX-Tech piece I did during the height of TBB season 3. I’m incredibly happy with how the rim lights turned out and the overall mood of it. Also the texture on the armour turned out sooo good, I can’t believe I was the one who painted it lol. I wish I could personally show the picture from my monitor, because all the details seem to disappear when viewed on tumblr. Below is the illustration I’m talking about, along with a side by side comparison to the picture I referenced the lighting from + some closeups. Looking back at it now, I wish I added a stronger frontal light source, so that the picture isn’t so dark.

Also, extra shout out to the back study series. I am traditionally not a painter (just grew up as an anime weeb) so making these this was an incredible accomplishment.

With that, I’m wrapping this very long post (sorry) with some 2025 hopes and dreams. Basically it’s the same things I wanted to do in 2024: improve anatomy, more background, work on OC, work on AUs. I want to try very hard to make commissions happen next year, if people are still interested. Something else I want to do that isn’t strictly art related is to connect more with people, especially with those who are still hyperfixated on TBB as I am. I find it hard to socialise on tumblr, but I try to be more social on bluesky. Idk, I think it would be fun to find a small active community that is maybe more focused on clones and oc stuff.

Okay, that’s all! If you’ve made it this far, thank you thank you thank you. Have a happy holiday and may your 2025 be a wonderful, wonderful year.

🧡 vimse

[secretmellowblog]

People who try to analyze what happened on Tumblr on November 5th, 2020, often really overstate how much it was actually “about” Supernatural. As someone who has never been in the supernatural fandom ever but dID join in on the hysterical destielposting—it was really more about the stress of the pandemic and the 2020 presidential election.

The two biggest Youtubers I’ve seen try to dissect “what happened that November 5th” in video essays both weren’t American—- and I think that explains why they both tried to explain the hysteria primarily via analyzing the Supernatural fandom/the original show, rather than through the lens of the election. And while those videos are cool, valid, informational, and make lots of really well-considered interesting points— I can tell you that me and almost all my mutuals had literally no knowledge or interest in the fact that “oh supernatural had made nods at the ship in the past but the creators were adamant that I wouldn’t be canon” or etc etc etc etc. the first time I learned about any of that context was way later, watching videos where people claimed that fandom history context (that I did not know anything about) was the actual reason for the hysteria.

But the reality is that people latched on to the Destiel stuff because it was a piece of big useless inane zero-stakes fandom news in a time when we were desperately waiting for serious high stakes election news. We were latching onto a “positive “ piece of inane stupid fandom news in a time of great stress, with all the desperation of a drowning man who latches onto whatever piece of wood will keep him afloat.

The core of the hysteria was that Americans (who make up a huge chunk of tumblr’s userbase) were currently glued to their laptops watching the live presidential election vote counts come in. These vote counts were taking an extended amount of time due to the pandemic causing high numbers of mail-in ballots, resulting in a constant state of Election Day Stress for multiple days straight.

This was also during the height of the Pandemic. People had predicted Trump’s presidency would be bad; no one had predicted it would be this apocalyptically bad. No one had predicted pandemics and lockdowns and hospitals overflowing with bodybags. remember Trump spreading Covid lies and conspiracies?? There were so many Qanon conspiracies about democrats being Satanic child traffickers who had to be put to death, and coup threats were mounting from the right wing side. It seemed like this election was a choice between ‘centrist democrat’ and “apocalyptic right wing conspiracy theory authoritarianism,” in the midst of pandemic conditions that people feared would never ever improve— and it seemed like a close election.

Another major point was that Trump voters were more likely to be antimaskers/Covid deniers, while Biden voters were more likely to take the pandemic seriously— so Biden voters were more likely to send in mail-in ballots instead of risking the in-person voting crowds, which meant their ballots would take much longer to count. And so, in many state electoral vote counts, it would initially seem like Trump was very far in the lead— only for Biden to slooooowly build up an agonizingly small lead as the mail in ballots came in, and then defeat Trump at the very end.

So you’re just watching these news sites giving live election updates, refreshing the page every 2 minutes to see if you’re going to live under a spineless centrist democrat or a literal Qanon Dictatorship. And then you go on tumblr to distract yourself, and there’s more election posting, and more agonizing over the votes, and more stress and despair—-

And then it’s been days and we’re right at the crucial tipping point where it’s anyone’s game and the next few hours will determine whether Trump will win, so you need to keep your eye on the vote count, because the next hours will determine the future of the pandemic and your country and your plans for your entire life—

And then stupid Destiel becomes canon! And it becomes canon in the silliest way possible!

If Destiel had become canon at any other time, it would have been a big goofy tumblr celebration? But we wouldn’t have gotten the insane explosion of hysterical interaction.

The entire core of it was the contrast between the inane meaningless stupidity of fandom news vs the actual stressful election news you wanted to hear! It really is best conveyed in that meme where Castiel says “I love you” and Dean indifferently responds with a piece of important election news.

It’s about the contrast between the low-stakes inanity of fandom and the massive life-destroying stakes of a terrifying election. There really was no reason it had be Supernatural specifically, except that Supernatural was a thing everyone knew basic things about from dashboard osmosis— it could’ve been any other equally huge silly fandom ship news about a ship everyone *knew of* but might not necessarily be invested in (ex. Stucky becoming canon, Johnlock becoming canon, Kirk/Spock becoming more canon somehow, etc etc etc.)

I think it’s true that people who weren’t paying agonizingly close attention to the American election news got swept up in it, and that non American Supernatural fans also were extremely excited for purely fandom reasons — but the entire reason it blew up to an unprecedented degree was because of that core of stressed out terrified Americans glued to their computers watching election results and suddenly receiving stupid fandom news instead, and deciding to just hysterically parodically hyper-celebrate this absurd useless zero-stakes news.

I think it was also all elevated by the fact that, as I said before, this happened at the crucial “tipping point” of the election where the next few hours would determine the winner. The fact that Biden began to slowly develop a lead in the hours after made it feel, hysterically, as if the hours after Destiel became canon was somehow the turning point where he began to win; so celebrating Destiel felt like celebrating that slow turn towards victory.

The tl,dr is that it’s so important to Remember the Fifth of November …..in preparation the inevitable hysteria that will happen in the presidential election on November 5th of next year. XD. Personally I’m rooting for Johnlock or Frodo/Sam to somehow become canon in the eleventh hour right before the democrats win

[greg-montgomery]

EVERYBODY STFU ARSON POSTED NEW SEEING HIM

Kinktober 13: Body Worship

pairing: aaron hotchner x afab! reader

contents: 18+/NSFW/MINORS DNI, teasing

wc: 404

an: a continuation of this series where reader and hotch start their first time, for the sweetestttttt @greg-montgomery

kinktober masterlist | seeing him masterlist

Aaron is taking his time. Maybe one day you’ll want him to— you’ll want to relish the feel of his warmth around you, his mouth on you, his touch so gentle. But you’ve done enough waiting, tortured yourself enough with how long it took you to let yourself love him unapologetically and vice versa.

“Aaron,” You grumble, your hand falling to thread through his dark hair.

His mouth stills where it’s pressed against your thigh, and his eyes widen a little with concern, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong.”

He raises a brow at you, waiting patiently for you to talk to him.

“You're just driving me insane. I want you, Aaron. I have for what feels like a million years and you're teasing me.”

“Is that what you think I’m doing?”

“Yes.”

“I love you,” He says simply, as that explains everything.

Now you're the one to quirk an eyebrow at him. Even as you do, you say, “I love you too.”

“Then let me savor this. Let me savor you,” He murmurs, his eyes soft, brimming with affection.

You’re stubborn— that’s just a fact, a way of life. You know and Aaron’s come to accept it. Come to love it as much as he loves any other part of you. It’s why when you look at him skeptically for several moments, his gaze doesn’t falter and he doesn’t give you an alternative.

“Alright, fine. I’ll be patient.”

He grins against your thigh before he starts again, his hands brushing every inch of your skin, followed by his mouth. For all intents and purposes, he’s worshiping you. His hands are so insistent, full of reverence. His cups your breasts, teasing your nipples into your writhe underneath his touch. His mouth is even better, bringing you to peak after peak as his hands rub gently at your thighs, as he murmurs the softest of praises to you. It all makes you dizzy, like you’re floating in the ocean, fully submerged in pleasure. In Aaron.

After you’ve both lost count of how many times he’s made you cum, he gathers you in his arms, gazing down at you, “Are you okay? Need an intermission?”

“Just…give me a minute,” You huff, pressing your face to his chest, trying to ground yourself. “You’re gonna kill me when we have sex aren’t you?

He grins, treating you to a soft kiss, “I’ll go get you some water and a snack.”

hotch taglist: @honeybrowne, @hotchs-bitch, @pastanoodles11, @stevengrcnt, @greg-montgomery, @lesbianhotch, @rousethemouse, @flightlessangelwings, @hotchsdharma, @maisondenachtai, @silversprings-mp3, @callm3c0nfus3d, @ilikefictionalmen

[lovebvni]

mindset of manifestation & how i manifest

like melanie martínez, i am back from the dead.

i apologize for being gone so long, but i needed a break from tumblr. i saw toxicity swirling in the community, my life got busy, and i decided it was just time for a break. when i was planking to come back, i just saw how things got terrible and i got upset and decided not to come back.

so, im back now and with a little tutorial on how i manifest!!! <3 i hope this can help some of you out.

let’s start with background.

manifesting is kind of like predicting the future. you have something you want to happen, then it happens soon after. i feel like this is the easiest way to get into the manifestation mindset. you cannot change what you’re getting if you want it. could you change your mind later and return it like a package? yes! but before it arrives, you know it’s arrival is coming.

sure, there can be delays, but it all is going to turn out YOUR way in the end.

nile and i have been working on our mindset and this is something they wrote that i think can be really helpful — as it was to me.

from the past two years we have been actively manifesting, we learned that we often saw things as “crazy”. but manifesting isn’t crazy, it’s quite normal.

every time you get dressed in the morning, it’s an act of manifestation. you’re showing up with what you want.

manifestation is a mondane activity!! stop treating it like it was a kiss from an angel!

by reading this, you’re manifesting your eyes working, you’ve used your hands to open an app, and you have believed you can read and get through this blog! without manifesting that, you would not be here.

the first step to manifestation is believing you can do it, believing you have done it, and believing you will continue to do it. period.

there are many MANY different ways to manifest, but i manifest in 3 ways (sometimes i use all three, sometimes i use just 1 or 2.)

!! I ALMOSR FORGOT TO PUT THIS AND IM ADDING IT BEFORE I GET TO NUMBER 2 OMG!!

STOP! BEFORE ANYTHING ELSE I WANT YOU TO GET A NOTEBOOK, A SHEET OF PAPER, OR MAKE A CHECKLIST ON YOUR PHONE IN YOUR NOTES APP!!!

now i want you to write down everything you want right now down and leave the boxes blank if you haven’t gotten them yet.

once you get through that, i want you to randomly click between some of the items you want and write down things you wanted that you did get! they can be some simple and things from years ago, what matters is you have them down. throw in some things that you may have to do for school or work while you’re at it.

here’s an example! (left is before checking off, right is after)

as you can see, i added a note to the side because i got what i wanted and more abundantly! i had been manifesting a dog since i was a young child, and in 2021, i got 2!!!! (one is laying at my feet right now <3)

continue to do this daily, weekly, or whatever you have time for. i personally do this on notion and i try to add something new daily (im adding the heartstopper thing rn!!)

but yeah!! write everything u want down, and continue to add to it, just so u can see progress DOES happen and your work and effort DOES pay off!

affirming and persisting

this id the first way i learned to manifest, and the most self-explanatory.

you simply repeat what you want over and over until you get it! but not in the future tense, in the current or past tense.

ex; “i passed my maths final!”, “im so happy my boyfriend gave me those roses for valentine’s day, he’s so sweet!”, “i finished the essay for english like a week before it was due!” “i got the lead role in my play! im so excited!” etc.

now, the common factor between all of these is having a positive mindset about them. i cannot tell you HOW many times i manifested something would go well, and right before they happened, i got in a shitty mind space and wondered if it would ever happen.

but, nonetheless, i persisted through and i got what i wanted.

the pain have have been feeling cant compare to the joy that is coming. Romans 8:18

persisting is basically pushing through. think about the time you didn’t think you would make it through an injury, a school year, a trial, yet you still walked through it — even if it was slow.

like when work days are long and you want to go home, but you can’t, so you persist.

i try to think of my manifestations as an ultimatum. it’s going to happen, and that’s final. the only thing you have to do to get it is stay conscious.

and staying conscious, walking through those days, is how you get to the end!

i use affirming and persisting with pretty much everything, which is why it was first.

2. listening to subs.

it’s that simple — listen to an audible subliminal that has the results you want over and over!! that’s all i do u guys. here’s my playlist if u want it (IF I DELETE IT CHECK MY PINNED POST!! I UPDATE IT OFTEN)

i often use @stilljuststardust’s subs, slade’s subs, enchanted workshops’ subs and i want it, i got it’s subs!

all of them are trusted and credible. i cannot promise you that all the subs in my playlist will work for you, as they are (sometimes) linked to my personal desires.

3. pinterest manifestation!!

i recommend having either a whole pinterest account or a board set aside for this way of manifestation.

you simply make boards (or sections) for things you want. i would say this is best for physical items, people, looks, makeup, etc. things that re physically tangible, rather than something like reality shifting (although i do have a reality shifting board! it has been working pretty well <3)

i also have one for my mindset, my religion, so on and so forth (link btw)

i think this is pretty self explanatory. just save picture of things you want and quotes/affirmations and DONE!

i also use this sub with it :p it’s worked WONDERSSS!

if you have any other questions i will be happy to answer them!! i love you all!! go manifest!!

[heqvenlymoons]

That One, I Want That One

Based on @fleursroses 's incorrect quote! <3

This is being posted as a oneshot on both my AO3 account and here on tumblr for now but I'm seriously considering turning it into a multi-chaptered fic because how well it was received. Someone said it had rom com potential and I can see it 😭

Daminette One Shot | Crack Fic | AO3

Damian tugged on the collar of his great dane, Titus, trying to get away from his imbecile brothers. 

It was a futile endeavour, as his brothers merely sped up their walking pace, talking over one another. 

“Come on, Dami! We just wanna know,” Richard— Grayson, because he was currently being a nuisance— whined. 

Todd scoffed, waving around the toy Nerf gun he insisted on bringing. “You know what? The brat’s probably better off without a wife, god forbid whoever gets stuck with him forever. I bet you, the little shit’s gonna be the one blackmailing someone into being his wife if he sees fit.” 

“Fuck you, Todd.” Damian’s fingers itched to grab his katana and slit it over his idiotic brother’s throat but at last, his father and pseudo grandfather figure, Alfred, had confiscated the knives he tried to sneak out on their business trip to Paris. 

Drake sipped on his coffee, his head bobbing up and down as he struggled to stay awake, even as he mumbled an incoherent, “You’re never going to get an answer if you aggravate him like that, Jay. Although I’d still like to know as well.” 

He hadn’t finished his sentence when he stumbled into a nearby pedestrian, almost kissing the ground had Todd not grabbed him by the collar at the last second.

During the mishap, the coffee cup Drake was holding spilled onto the floor, seeping into the ground as he stared at it with mournful eyes. “My coffee!” 

Todd rolled his eyes, letting go of the sleep-deprived Drake’s collar with an unsympathetic pat on the shoulder.

Damian’s lips curved up to a smirk. Perhaps that would keep Drake quiet for a few minutes as he mourned his spilled coffee. 

Unfortunately, that didn’t stop Grayson or Todd from their irritating line of questioning his so-called ‘love life’. 

Damian glared when Grayson pulled out the puppy doll eyes, accompanied by his repeated question, “Come on, please? Just answer the question— what’s your ideal type?” 

“Repeating the question with that pathetic expression of yours does not make me any more inclined to answer your question.” Damian spotted a bakery up ahead and approached it, ignoring Grayson’s pout. 

Perhaps his dingbat brothers would behave themselves in an embellishment full of people, although that would be wishful thinking on his part. 

His brothers, of course, followed him and continued to push their relentless questions onto him 

Todd grabbed his arm, stopping him, a glint of glee in his eyes, no doubt finding amusement in his current predicament. “You know, we’re not going to stop bothering you until you tell us.” 

Damian’s brows furrowed in annoyance, knowing full well from experience that his brothers would not stop poking and prodding until he did what they wanted. 

Right now, they wanted to know his ideal type, and they claimed his answer was to sedate their ever-growing ‘curiosity’ when he knew they wanted to utilize the information to set him up with someone. 

He scowled, making his decision. He would tell them only to make them stop badgering him about the inane question but that didn’t mean he was open to the idea of a relationship with someone they chose for him 

“Fine. My future partner must be brave, strong, intelligent, successful and organized. You imbeciles better not utilize this information to set me up with someone or I will stab you.” He hissed, sending them his most intimidating glare for good measure. 

Todd dared to smirk at him. “Not likely, Demon Spawn. And even if we did, you won’t stab us. You’re all bark and no bite.” 

In response, Damian kicked him in the knee, making the older double over with a grunt. 

Before he could continue his assault, Grayson dragged him away, Todd spitting curses from where he lay on the ground in a starfish position, the Nerf gun on the ground beside him. 

Grayson was already wearing the contemplative expression he had on whenever he was about to do something stupid. “Okay~ that’s enough, little D. Back to what we were discussing, your future girlfriend has to be brave, strong, and smart, you say?” 

Damian gritted his teeth. “You are paraphrasing at best but I assume you already got the general idea because I am not going to repeat myself for your benefit.” 

He turned and before he could turn the door handle of the bakery to continue his dramatic exit (or in this case, dramatic entry), the door flew open and it would’ve hit him in the face had it not been for his quick reflexes.

The scowl reappeared on his face and he turned back to reprimand the person who dared try to attack him with a door to see a girl about his age, shuffling past his bewildered brothers in a hurry. 

Damian blinked, watching as the girl with raven-haired pigtails promptly tripped over nothing, crashing into the pole, the box she was holding fell from her hands and macaroons came tumbling out. 

He watched with interest as the girl mumbled out apologies to the inanimate object, picking up the fallen macaroons from the ground while she did and putting them back in the box. 

Snapping out of his daze, he handed Titus’s leash to Grayson before moving to help the girl, grabbing the remains of the macaroons from the ground and placing them in a neat row in the box.

He held out a hand for the girl to take, which she accepted with a grateful look and he pulled her to her feet. 

Getting a good look at her face, he was filled with a fluttering sensation in his stomach and he ignored it, thinking he must be coming down with a stomach bug. “Are you alright? That was quite a fall.”

Her bluebell eyes were blown wide, staring into his green ones with surprise. She broke the stare first, shaking her head before responding, “I’m fine! Thank you for your help, I’m sorry you had to see that.”

Her phone dinged and she yelped. “I’m sorry but I’m already late, see you around, mysterious handsome but kind person!”  

He opened his mouth to respond but she had already sped away, only catching sight of her red face as she turned.

His face heated as his mind caught up with her words. The girl was definitely something… 

He felt an arm going around his shoulders and he didn’t react, still staring in the direction the girl took off. 

“So, didn’t know Demon Spawn had it in him to talk to a pretty girl without scowling,” Todd drawled, the beginning of a teasing expression appearing on his face when he noticed the dazed look his youngest brother was sporting. 

Damian shoved him away, looking distracted.

Drake shook his head, mumbling, “I must be hallucinating, Demon Spawn would never willingly talk to someone, much less a girl.” 

“That one. I want that one.” Damian declared, unknowingly sending his adopted brothers into cardiac arrest at the words that fell out of his mouth. 

Grayson looked torn between looking wary and gleeful. “Uh… what do you mean by ‘that one’, little D?” 

Damian didn’t look at him as he pointed in the direction the girl ran off. “Her.” 

Todd’s jaws gaped like a fish, for once, speechless. 

Drake in his sleep-deprived state can only dumbly respond, “That’s not how it works, Damian. You can’t just go around adopting people.”

Damian finally dragged his gaze away from the direction the girl had long run off in, glaring at his brothers with his cheeks blazing red. “Not adoption, you imbecile.”

Not giving them the time to respond, he continued, a look of stress crossing his expression before he willed it away. “You lot have to keep Father from adopting her, it would cause complications.”

Grayson hummed. “She does meet the criteria, black hair and blue eyes.”

Todd seemed to have unfrozen, shaking his head in denial. “Wait wait wait, just wait a second. You’re saying, she’s your ideal type? You literally met her 5 minutes ago! I thought you said your future partner must be and I quote ‘brave, strong, intelligent, successful and organized’?” 

He prattled on, not paying attention to how Titus had taken to getting slobber all over his shoes. “No offence to her but she tripped over air and crashed into the poll in front of her. The clumsy behaviour caught your eye of all things? Are you sure you haven’t been abducted by aliens?” 

Damian glared, the red not receding from his face. He rounded on Drake. “Do a full background check on her, it is necessary for me to know everything about her if she were to be my partner.”

He paused, scowling. “Actually, I better do this myself. I need to know everything about her, it is better if you imbeciles stay as far away from her as possible. She does not need you all to monopolize her time.” 

He grabbed Titus’s leash from Grayson and headed in the direction of Le Grand Paris to do just that, leaving behind his shell-shocked brothers. 

Jason turned to his brothers, looking amused now that he had gotten over his shock. “So, who’s gonna tell him that stalking is not the right way to woo a girl?” 

[rafesbabyg1rl]

The Watcher ~ Part Two

Part One, Part Three

Summary: Rafe Cameron x Reader, Stalker!Rafe x Pogue!Reader Your parents work late on Friday nights, which you spend alone. Except you haven't been alone in a long time, not that you know of at least. Rafe has watched for years, he's very good at it. His idea of staying an anonymous stalker is ruined when you catch him in your bedroom one Friday night. Rafe has to figure out how to fix his mistake before he loses the only thing that makes his life worth living. After you find the surprise he had left for you, you choose to believe that his threats were empty and try to turn him in. But, your plans are interrupted and you take an unexpected visit to Tannyhill.

Warnings: Rafe stalks reader...that's literally the plot. Strong & descriptive language, suggestive themes, death threat(?), manipulation, kidnapping (?). If I missed anything from this part that I should include in the warnings, please let me know!

Word Count: 3.5k

Author Note: Part Two is here!! I know this chapter is shorter than the previous, but I figured it's better to get what I had out. Also...I'm not sure if I like where this is going, so please share your thoughts about this part and ideas for future parts. Thank you all for the support on the first part of this story. Especially with this being my first work I've published on tumblr, I am very pleasantly surprised with how everyone has reacted to it. So, please enjoy and feel free to leave feedback! I love you all, thank you so much!!

CREDITS: The foundation of this fic was heavily inspired by/ based off of one of @faiszt 's bots on character ai. So, if you like this and you like character ai, I greatly suggest that you check out the bot!

The blinding morning light shines into your room through your curtains. You sit up and rub your eyes. You glance at the digital clock on your nightstand which currently reads: 10:34 am. Those sleeping pills really worked, you think. Your parents are already at the restaurant, probably just getting over with the morning rush. 

Your eyes begin to focus, your brows furrow as your eyes land on one of the posts of your footboard. You lean forward to grab the pair of panties you had just worn yesterday which are hanging from your bedpost. You’re pretty sure you had put these in your hamper last night and wait, why are they sticky…? You wonder, you examine them and come to the realization of what it is. Immediately you toss them away, that was not from you. It was your stalker, it had to be. Of course, the first night you spend alone since four weeks ago and he already breaks in. And he does this? You think about his words, “tell anyone and I’ll come back and fuckin’ kill you”, shivers roll down your spine. 

You hadn’t even had time to realize how horny you had been when you had woken up; and now that you have you feel so wrong. But your dream…oh god your dream. You can still remember it vividly, even more so the longer you think about it; you can see the face of the man who fucked you stupid in your dream. You know who it was, who your subconscious mind let you fuck while you slept. It was your stalker. 

Without another thought, you’re in the shower scrubbing the shame and disgust from your skin—or at least attempting to. When you feel somewhat satisfied, which also happens to be when the water begins to run cold, you finally get out. Wrapping a plush towel around your freshly clean body, you lean over the bathroom sink and wipe the condensation from the mirror leaving just enough space to see yourself. Before the glass fogs back up you’re able to see a small part of what appears to be a bruise poking out from underneath the towel wrapped around your chest. You lean in closer using one hand to re-wipe the mirror and using the other to pull your towel down past your boobs. Looking back at the bruised area on your chest, you can see that the closer you look at it, the more it looks like a hickey. You just about stumble backwards at the realization. 

You’ve had enough. After you quickly toss on some clothes, you grab your keys off your dresser with a shaky hand. You rush out towards your car and get inside, pulling out of your driveway carelessly and speeding off. When you arrive at your destination, you take a few moments to rethink this plan. You have to do this. You can’t keep living with some creep sneaking in your bedroom and touching you as you sleep. You twist the keys in the ignition and pull them out, you confidently strut towards the entrance of the building. When you feel the vibration of your phone in your pocket you pause, sighing as you reach back to take it out. When you read the random number, with the same Outer Banks area code as you, your brows furrow. Typically you wouldn’t answer a call from an unknown number, but something in you is telling you to answer. As you press the green button and bring your phone to your ear, you glance up at the building you were about to enter which reads, ‘Kildare County Sheriff’s Office’. 

“Hello?” You ask warily.

After a few long seconds, the person on the other side of the line answers you. “Stop.” The man’s voice sends familiar chills down your spine. 

“Excuse me?” You respond, your voice audibly shaky. “Who…who is this?”

“C’mon pup, you already forgot what I sound like? It’s already been that long?” Your eyes widen at the realization of who this voice belongs to. You’ve heard it one other time, well one time that you remember.

As your head darts around the parking lot looking for your stalker, your voice comes out in a tone that easily betrays you, revealing your fear, “No…no…what the hell do you want?”

Rafe smirks from his truck as he watches you from afar. “I want you to turn around and get back in your car, m’kay princess? And I highly suggest you do what I want.” 

“Or what? What’s stopping me from walking in? Or from yelling for help?” You take a step closer to the building’s entrance.

“Stubborn, stubborn girl…” the man chuckles, “If you don’t get back into your fucking car right now, you’re gonna really fuckin’ wish you had just listened to me. I’m gonna get what I want no matter what, baby. You’re mine.” And with that, Rafe hangs up the phone, still watching you from a distance. 

As much as you want to just run into the building and beg for help, you know that unfortunately since you’re a pogue, the cops aren’t going to believe a single word that comes from your mouth. In their minds, all pogues are liars and thieves. And since you don’t have the slightest clue on who the man you saw in your bedroom is, you figure there’s not much they’d be able to do even if they did believe you. So you reluctantly turn back to your car and get inside. The moment your door shuts you inside, your phone buzzes yet again with another call. It’s coming from the same number, but this time you don’t answer. This was your second mistake. 

Rafe’s already pissed off. You went against his rules, you didn’t listen to him, none of this will work if you don’t listen. He thought he had been threatening enough that you’d behave, but clearly you need another scare. You need to be taught that disobeying him does nothing but hurt you more. When you don’t answer the phone when you definitely know it’s him calling, this is just the cherry on top; the icing on the cake. Rafe is fuming. 

You drive out of the parking lot, breath heavy as you stay on high alert–searching for him. A truck suddenly pulls behind you, tailing right on your ass. You can’t see through the truck's front windshield due to the dark tint. You being paranoid, step on the gas and speed up a bit, well exceeding the speed limit. A few quick seconds pass by and you jump at the sound of sirens. It doesn’t take long for you to check your rearview mirror and realize that the sirens are coming from the truck behind you, which is flashing its red and blue lights. You let out a breath of relief. You’re being pulled over yet you’re relieved because it means you aren’t being trailed by your stalker. The feeling is short lived as you flick your signal on and pull off to the side of the road. You roll your window down and shut off the engine.

The officer approaches you and goes through the typical routine and you try to calm your nerves. All sound is drowned out as you get lost in your thoughts. 

“Ma’am?”, the officer repeats. “Do you know why I’ve pulled you over today?”

The sharp and unintentionally threatening voice of the deputy snaps you out of wherever the hell it was that your mind had taken you to. “Yes, sorry sir, I…I was going over the speed limit.” You submit, wanting to get this over with. You can’t help but worry what your stalker would think if he saw this, he’d probably think you’re turning him in. But, you’re not. Really this whole thing was a misunderstanding, but you can’t explain that to the cop. 

“And why is that?” He questions you ever further, his gaze staring at you intensely. You get nervous and want to look away, but you worry that might make you look guilty of something. You’ve been pulled over before, it’s not usually a big deal for you. However you’re just so goddamn nervous and need this moment to be over. You feel like you’ve done something wrong; like you’re hiding something. But you aren’t.

“I–I thought…I just got distracted sir, wasn't thinking about speed. I apologize for the inconvenience.” You catch yourself, technically you aren’t lying; you just aren’t explaining why you were distracted. The threatening words of your stalker still echo around your head. The deputy gives a small lecture as he writes up a ticket for you. Once he gets back into his truck and drives off, you rest your head back against the seat and let out the breath you’ve been holding. When you start your car back up and finally open your eyes, you look straight out across the road. You can see a tall man leaning against a truck parked across the road, staring right at you. The familiar grin on his face has you sick to your stomach. 

After making direct eye contact with him, you pull off the side of the road and do an illegal U-turn so that you’re heading in the opposite direction, leaving the man behind. You know that he’s following you, so you drive around aimlessly until you get another call from the same unknown number. You want to decline, but you’re too afraid to face the consequences that might follow. 

“What do you want?” You ask, voice full of faux confidence. The only thing you hear on the other side of the line is a heavy breath that causes your skin to become full of goosebumps. 

After you’ve had a few moments to panic, he finally speaks, “Keep driving”. His words are not said lightly. This is undoubtedly a command, not an option. 

“Keep driving to where?” You stammer with nervousness. 

“Tannyhill.” He replies strictly. 

“Tannyhill?” You question before being able to stop yourself. You can’t help the attitude that slips into your voice. When a few more moments of silence pass, you get more and more anxious for his response. “Hello…?” You ask quietly, wondering if you lost connection. Still nothing. “Hello?” You ask again with more volume. After another minute or two, you hear the phone beep; the call disconnects. 

Why the hell does he want you to go to Tannyhill? It doesn’t make any sense. But you don’t exactly have a choice. He’s following you either way and it’s not like he doesn’t know where you live…and just about everything about your life. So, it’s probably best to just play along and obey his commands. 

When you get close to the general destination, your phone rings with yet another call. You answer, already knowing who it's from. This time you don’t speak first, you wait to hear what he has to say. It takes a few moments, almost like he’s trying to wait long enough that you’ll talk. The silence starts to get unbearably awkward, but your mind is set on waiting for him to speak and Rafe doesn’t have the time to wait; having to give you directions and all. When he finally talks he doesn’t greet you. His voice breaking the silence startles you as he instructs you with the directions to get wherever it was he was forcing you to go. 

“Wait…turn left h-here?” You ask, confused at his directions. You had missed the beginning of what he said since you had to collect yourself after being frightened. 

He sighs in impatience, “No dammit, the next one. Were you not listening?” 

“I…no I-I was listening–” you stumble over your words as you turn onto the street he wanted you to. 

“Bullshit. You need to learn how to fucking listen to me, don’t you?” When you don’t respond, trying to focus on remembering the directions he gave you, it only serves to piss him off even further. “Huh?! Don’t you?!” He shouts into the phone as he follows behind you.

You whine in fear, “No..I can listen. I promise I can listen to you.” You practically beg. “J-just tell me where to go?”

Rafe directs you to his house, which you of course recognize as the Cameron’s mansion. You’ve heard about the Cameron’s, but you wouldn’t be able to point them out in a crowd or anything. Besides from the father, Ward Cameron, whom you’ve seen on the news several times. Is he a Cameron? As you park in the large driveway, you rack your brain trying to recall the name of the Cameron son. 

His truck parks behind you, blocking your car in. He quickly kills the engine and exits his vehicle. You don’t notice him walking up to you until he’s yanking your car door open and pulling you out by the arm.

“R-rafe?” You mumble insecurely. He pauses to look at you, chuckling at your words. He mutters a quick ‘smart girl’ before retightening his grip on your arm and continuing to pull you into the large mansion. You start to cry, getting overwhelmed as you imagine the many possible scenarios that may occur. “P-please,” you manage to choke out. “What do you want?”

Unlike the last time you cried to him, this time he doesn’t stop. He drags you up one level of the large, spiral staircase; pulling you into his bedroom. As soon as you see the bed, you’re already feeling it beneath your back when he shoves you down just a few seconds later. As if you hadn’t already embarrassed yourself enough, you can’t help the tears that begin to stream down your flushed cheeks at a flooding rate. 

“Wait…no, please, please!” The way you keep shouting and choking back sobs causes you to gag from how worked up you’ve gotten yourself. All the Cameron son does in response is lean back to get a full view of you as a smug grin spreads across his face. “Please, I—oh god, I’m gonna be sick…” You mumble, which is quickly followed by another gag that interrupts your constant sobs. 

Rafe snakes his hand up from your arm to your hair, wrapping his first tightly around a large section of it. He tugs on your hair to force your head to look up at him, causing a small whine to escape your lips. “Shhh…baby, shhh…” He mumbles, his ‘worried’ tone working to oppose his previous amused expression. “Calm down, alright? Calm down. Ain’t gonna do nothin’ you don’t want, m’kay pretty girl?” The way he says that last part…you’ve never heard his voice sound like that before. You didn’t even think he was capable of talking in that tone. He sounds like he might actually truly care about you. You’re relieved; maybe even a bit…comforted by the fact that he might be telling the truth about not doing anything you don’t want. Well, besides having you basically held captive in his home. 

“What…what are you gonna do?” You manage to choke out between sobs, trying to catch your breath so you can calm down.

“I just wanna talk to you baby. Alright?” Rafe mumbles your name into your ear, allowing you to feel his hot breath against the side of your face. Immediately you’re taken back to the first time you had met him, in your bedroom a few weeks back. You try to push that aside and bring yourself back to the present; the memory only brings back the feelings of complete and utter fear you experienced at that time. Not that the present was any better, hell, it was worse. 

Hesitantly, you nod. He waits a few minutes to speak; waiting for you to catch your breath. Once you’re calmer, at least on the outside, he finally starts to talk. “I wanted to talk about my proposition…” He looks down at you, bringing his hand up to cautiously run through your hair. “Last time I got cut short…remember that?”

You nod. “I…I tried to warn you my parents would come home. I-I swear I didn’t tell them anything.” You say frantically, trying to prove your innocence.

“Hey, shh…it’s okay babe. I know. I know.” Rafe speaks slowly, his eyes never leaving your lips. He pauses to momentarily dart his tongue out to wet his parted lips. “I know. You haven’t told…you’ve been a good girl and listened to me, hm? Haven’t you baby? Haven't you been a good girl?” 

You nod frantically. “I…I’d never turn you in…” The false seductiveness in your voice turns him off, if that’s even possible. 

He pulls back from you and sighs, “Shut up.” He runs a rough hand over his buzzed head and begins to quickly pace across his bedroom. 

“B-but you wanted to talk…” You remind him. The way his attitude was constantly shifting in great amounts had you furrowing your brows as you tried to figure him out. 

“Yeah, I do. But not to a goddamn filthy, lying whore.” He retorts, a large grin appearing on his face while he watches your beautiful features move on your face, displaying your thoughts  as you take in his words. “Just be yourself alright? I can always tell when you’re not you.” He says almost sincerely. “I want…I need you to want this. Don’t try to pull that fake crap on me ever again, yeah?” 

Immediately you nod. “I…yes-”, you stammer, instantly regretting even trying to talk in the first place. Rafe chuckles, making your cheeks heat up in embarrassment. He stops pacing and lets out a long sigh, turning to face you again. His steps pause when he’s standing just before you. 

He leans down to whisper in your ear. “I really need this to work, okay…? This is good, this can be good for the both of us. I can help you; we can help each other, baby.” A silent tear rolls down your cheek from the fear of what’s to come. “I know…I know I messed up, alright? I know. But, you don’t have to be scared, baby. It’s all gonna be okay.” He brushes a stray strand of hair behind your ear.

“Please…I just wanna go home, let me go home!” Your cries are ugly, and very, very real. The fear in your voice only worries him. Worries him that you may never get past this. But you have to. You don’t have another option. And he really, really doesn’t want to have to hurt you. That was never his intention. 

“But you are home, baby. You are home.” He mutters as his fingers brush over your cheeks, smearing your tears. Your breath hitches at his words and your eyes slowly move up to meet his. This cannot be happening. Why is this happening? You think.

“No…please I…just let me go home. I won’t tell. I promise I won’t. I’ll…I’ll never tell anyone about any of this okay, I’ll never say anything about you.”

“I can’t do that, baby…you know I can’t do that.”

“Why not? I swear, I’ll never ever breathe a word of this to anyone.” You say enticingly.

Rafe sits down besides you, causing the mattress to dip and make you lean towards him. He puts an arm around you and his hand lands on the back of your head, pulling it into his chest.

He leans down to speak into your ear while his hand pets over your hair as you cry into his chest. “Because I need you baby, I need you. And I need you to let me take care of you, yeah? I know…I know you’re scared, but you don’t have to be. Just trust me okay…we’re gonna be so good together baby.” He tugs at your hair, gently guiding your face to look up at him. “Just listen to me and nothing will happen, I don’t wanna have to…do anything. I just need to know that you’ll listen to what I say.” Immediately you nod, going along with what he says. He tugs on your hair harder, eliciting a gasp to fall from your lips. “Ah ah, I know you can talk. You’re a big girl, now fucking act like it.” He says forcefully.

“I-I’m gonna listen, I’ll listen to you, just please, please don’t hurt me.”

He smiles softly as his eyes dart across your face, unable to pick a feature to focus on, everything about you is just too damn perfect. “Don’t worry I won’t hurt you, not as long as you listen.” His grip loosens on your hair again. “But you’ll be begging for it soon enough.” Rafe’s whispers are enough to make your sobs start again; in which he pulls your head back into his chest. Your tears soak into his shirt as you have no choice but to cry into him.

To be continued...

Thank you for reading! I hope this was enjoyable. This part took quite a bit for me to finish, since life has been a bit busy and I haven't had much time to plan or write. I apologize for the short chapter, I'll try my best to make up for it with the next part! I never really feel done with anything and as I said before I'm not sure if I'm a fan of this part or not. So, if you have literally ANY feedback, questions, or suggestions, PLEASE feel free to let me know! I don't really have any solid plans for this fic so if you have any ideas I just might include them in future parts. And there's not much I won't write!

[cosmicdream222]

What is “the state of wish fulfilled” or “feeling the wish fulfilled”?

(Explained in my own words cuz states tumblr is a shitshow)

When I was in HS, I was obsessed with Japan and wanted to visit, and eventually move there.

My dream life = living in Japan, doing the things I wanted to do

My life at the time = living in America, not being able to do the things I wanted to do

Was I sitting around feeling sorry for myself and whining “boo hoo poor me, I wish I was in Japan. Why did I have to be born here? It’s not fair I’m missing out on so much.” HELL NO!! That = the state of lack

Instead, I was excited. I didn’t see going to Japan as such a big deal, it’s not like I wanted to go to outer space! All I had to do was save up some money and buy a plane ticket. It was totally realistic in my mind, why couldn’t I do it?

Sure I wasn’t there now, but I KNEW I could go there eventually. So I spent my time studying & practicing Japanese, enjoying my hobbies from afar, researching & planning my future visits. That = the state of wish fulfilled.

(And yes, I did end up visiting many times and eventually lived there for 5 years.)

Here’s another scenario:

Imagine right now that you won the lottery for an extremely large amount of money - let’s say 1 billion dollars. You have the winning ticket in your hand and you’re at the lotto office right now. They tell you it’s gonna be a few weeks of processing and paperwork before you actually receive the money, but it is yours. It is done.

It doesn’t matter if you’re currently broke, in debt, hate your job, hate your living situation or have any other unfortunate circumstances. In a few weeks, you will have more money than you will ever be able to spend. You will never have to work again. You will never have to worry about money again.

You might not currently know what it “feels like” to be a billionaire, but you know that your current circumstances don’t matter anymore because everything is gonna change soon.

Now, if you are reading this, you have learned about loa/void/shifting - and that is even better than any lottery you could ever win. You found out the truth, my dudes! Reality is an illusion and you can have anything you want. ANYTHING anything, not just materialistic earth things!

Yes we have been programmed with opposite beliefs our whole lives. It might be hard to wrap your head around at first. It might be hard to let go of all the victim-based thinking that society encourages. It might take a week or a month or longer to manifest your desires - but does it matter? Time is an illusion, and you WILL succeed eventually. You didn’t find out about the truth only to fail.

Sitting around on tumblr scrolling for more methods, asking every blogger the same questions, complaining that you don’t have your desires yet = the state of lack

Knowing that you WILL have your desires NO MATTER WHAT and not letting your current circumstances affect you = the state of wish fulfilled.

Have patience and persist! I have faith in you, so have a little faith in yourselves! ILY all and want you to live your best life ❤️

[tommydarlings]

TEASER PATREON - pretty pictures | s.v

pairing: dark!rbr!sebastian vettel x reader

warnings: dark, mentions of stalking, possessive behaviour, manipulation

w/c: 2.4k

summary: sebastian isn’t mentally sick, he just loves you and wants to protect you from the rest of this evil world and by keeping you locked up in his house and threatening the other drivers, he’s doing exactly that.

Sebastian Vettel wasn’t dumb. Crazy? Jealous and very possessive over you? Yes… of course.

But he wasn’t stupid, not one bit.

He noticed how Lewis was flirting with you, he noticed how the Brit looked a little too deeply into your gorgeous eyes, he noticed how he caught himself glancing there and then at your pretty cleavage.

And it was driving him more than crazy.

The young redbull driver was currently walking towards the elevator of the hotel that all the drivers stay in, a rather big and expansive looking camera in his hand.

“Hey, seb! How you’re doing, man?“ Lewis waved briefly at him before he walked up to the German and shamelessly stepped into the elevator with him, both of the drivers quickly pressing the buttons to reach their floors.

Sebastian nodded with a tight lipped smile, suddenly holding the camera in his hand in a tighter grip than before, “Pretty good Lewis, thanks! And you?“

Lewis nodded as well, “pretty good as well — since when are you interested in photography, mate?“ he asked curiously as he looked down at the camera in Sebastian's hand.

The German driver raised his brows and also glanced down at the expansive camera in his hand before he chuckled deeply, “I was always interested in it but I just recently found the time to finally buy myself a nice camera, you know?“

Lewis smiled kindly at the redbull driver, “oh cool! Maybe you can be my photographer in he future!“ he joked.

Sebastian laughed before Lewis spoke up again,

“But please don’t be one of those creeps that secretly takes pictures of me! I’m not photogenic!“ Lewis chuckled before the elevator doors finally opened, both of them slowly stepping out.

Sebastian looked at the Mercedes driver, “Of course not, Lewis! That you even assume something like that hurts my heart!“ he put his palms over his heart in a dramatic gesture, forcing a smile out of the Mercedes driver.

“I know, I know — sorry mate! Good luck on the upcoming race!“ he said as the two parted ways, Lewis going down the left side of the hall while Sebastian walked down the right one, both walking towards their rooms.

The young German unlocked the door and walked straight to the bedroom where you sat on the bed, reading a book that Sebastian bought you.

“Hey! You’re back!“ you smiled happily and put the book aside and stood up, immediately hugging Sebastian.

Your boyfriend hugged you back before he put the camera carefully onto the table next to his laptop, his fingers running along your lower back as he pressed a soft kiss to the nape of your neck.

You looked up at him, “were where you, baby?“

Sebastian cleared his throat, “the PR team decided to give me this huge and expensive camera and told me to take some pretty pictures of the track and stuff like that… you know, for the fans,“ he stated before he kissed your lips.

You passionately kissed him back for a couple of seconds before he separated himself from you,

“Sorry engel,“ angel, “But I still got some work to do, alright? But I promise I cuddle you to sleep tonight, yeah?“ he pecked your soft cheek one last time before he grabbed the camera and walked to a very small but well equipped office room in the hotel, setting the camera down next to his laptop.

He sighed as he sat down, immediately connecting his camera to his laptop with a black wire, his fingers gliding quickly over the trackpad, his pretty blue eyes searching for a specific folder.

COMING SOON HERE ON TUMBLR!

[luckykiwiii101]

A Tendency To Kill…

And It Takes One To Know One….

Hey Upper East Siders.

Words out that it’s been…6 months since you’ve been sitting on your ass, procrastinating. Maybe that why it’s so flat…

Wait…you haven’t been procrastinating?

What a shame. When B built a bridge, it all came crashing down. Well maybe, the bolts weren’t strong enough.

Persist once. Shame on you. Persist twice. The blame’s on you. Persisting is nothing if you aren’t out to persist forever. Because your persistence should result in the 3D also showing you proof later…meaning that you can’t just “stop” persisting when it’s right in-front of you. If you know what I mean.

But what’s “persisting” if you don’t take it seriously.

If you ask me, you’re too bold playing around with the only thing holding your hope for a bright future. Or any future at all.

The only way to persist is, with a tendency to kill.

Woah woah woah!! Let’s not get too ahead of ourselves here and unleash the murderers roaming tumblr.

What I mean is…murder the old state. Until it no longer exists. Replace it with your new state.

You’ve already created the monster that you call “yourself” today. So what makes you think you can’t create another one. Except, this new one will be more in your favour. Completely in your favour.

Done with being nice. Because look how ever so far that’s gotten you…

You’re out to kill. (Metaphorically incase some of you illiterate dumb fucks can’t get this information into your brain, as usual, because if you did, you’d be sitting in your mansion right now, or wherever you desire, just anywhere but your lazy arse).

A wise girl once said, peak failure is the moment you’re too lazy to get off your metaphorical arse and persist, even though it doesn’t require getting off your physical arse. How embarrassing. Now how do you stoop that low….into your couch. You’re leaving a dent. It’s been ages. The springs must feel a new awakening when you finally choose to get up. If you get up. Don’t you feel butt hurt? Like literally? I cant imagine. How will you be able to do anything? Instead of running on treadmills and getting absolutely nowhere, quite literally. Instead venture into your mind, and actually get somewhere. You know you create your reality. Yet you refuse to…

The old you no longer exists. The old Taylor can’t come to the phone right now. And I mean literally. Get the hell off your phone, and start applying instead of scrolling tumblr searching for answers you already know the answer to.

You haven’t truly persisted if you haven’t drowned the old state in the new state. You’re somebody else now. And if you ever return to your old self, then you never truly claimed your new state. Only call yourself a success when you actually persist. And currently, by the looks of it you aren’t.

Cmon, try it. You’ll start to like who you become along the way. Wouldn’t it be satisfying to give yourself what you deserve?

Well either way, it’s not my problem what life you choose to live. Nobody’s going to shake you out of your trance when we all leave with our success stories, and you’re just…here.

And if books could kill, we wouldn’t wanna be you…since all you really seem to do is look for more info in them. It’s about time they bite your face off. You’re supposed to be attending Constance Billard/St Jude’s private school, not Hogwarts.

I hope I don’t see you here instead of enjoying your summer with your dream life. How many summers have gone by? I’m losing track. Well I guess some things never change…especially you.

- gossip girl

[nova-dracomon]

My Gender is [NOT] Human Zine is Now Accepting Submissions!

Xenogender: A gender that cannot be contained by human understandings of gender; more concerned with crafting other methods of gender categorization and hierarchy such as those relating to animals, plants, or other creatures/things.

This zine will be a collection of artwork, writing and more created by alterhumans and nonhumans to express both their species identity, gender, and how they intersect. While this zine will have an xenogender slant, everyone who has something to share about how their species and gender overlap are encouraged to submit pieces! Similarly, if you are currently questioning, you are still welcome to participate. Anonymous submissions are accepted.

What Can I Submit?

Both fiction and nonfiction pieces are accepted. As long as what you have in mind fits the theme, it’ll probably be a-ok. 

Off the top of our head, we’re thinking of:

Essays of your personal experiences

Short stories 

Poetry 

Advice columns

Artwork

Fictional advertisements

Comics 

Mock interviews

This is far from an exhaustive list, we welcome you to think outside the box!

How to Participate

Please email your completed submission to ruffledgryphon(@)gmail(.)com and title the email “My Gender is Not Human Zine Submission.” Also make sure to include the following information in your email:

A name you would like the piece attributed to 

Title of your submission

Any content warnings that you feel are necessary for the piece

Any social media handle or personal website you’d like listed in the contributor section

A logo or icon for the contributor section

**If you would like to stay anonymous please let us know

Members of systems are welcome to submit individually or collectively. Please let us know your preference when it comes to attribution.

Once the deadline has passed, the submissions will be crafted together into a single zine and it will be posted on our itch.io as a free PDF. 

Submissions are due by May 1, 2024.

Our itch.io: https://ruffledgryphon.itch.io/

Submission Guidelines

Each individual may submit up to 3 works to be featured in My Gender is [NOT] Human. Comics and multi-image works count as one piece. Individuals within a system may each submit up to 3 works. All work must be your own! Anyone caught plagiarizing or submitting AI-generated work will be barred from entering My Gender is [NOT] Human and any future zines from us.

Written submissions should not exceed 30 pages and multi-part art entries should not exceed 10 pages. Please keep in mind the zine’s pages will be 8.5x11 and entries will be scaled accordingly to fit that size. We request all art submissions to be sent in either .jpg or .png file formats. 

For stories that use multiple different fonts, we will do our best to preserve the general “feel” of your piece but cannot guarantee we will be able to use the exact fonts or sizes due to restrictions in what fonts we have access to, readability and overarching zine style.

Submissions must fit the thematic criteria of

About the intersection of gender and species identities

If you’re not sure if you count, feel free to reach out to us. However, we will be leaning on the side of “Yes! We’d love to hear from you!”

FAQ

Q: Where will the zine be hosted? What will it cost? A: The zine will be hosted digitally on our itch.io and will be free to download. Our itch.io can be found here: https://ruffledgryphon.itch.io/

Q: Is there a cap on submissions? A: There is none, as long as the file doesn’t start getting too big for our computer we’ll do our best! If there are an unprecedented amount of submissions, we may have to delay the release. In the event that happens, we would communicate that through updates on our tumblr.

Q: Can I update my application after it’s been submitted? A: Yes you may, as long as that is communicated to us before the submission deadline.

Q: Can I rescind my submission? A: Yes you may, as long as that is communicated to us before the submission deadline. This is because once we begin work on the zine, having to remove content mid-way through would throw off the formatting of everything else after. Please take this into account before submitting. 

Q: Will this zine allow NSFW entries? A: No, nothing 18+ will be accepted.

Q: What is your timeline for the project? A: Our submission deadline is May 1, 2024. We are then planning to spend the next month compiling all of the entries. Our goal is to have the zine live by June 1, 2024. If something unforeseen happens and we are unable to make that deadline, we will post an update about it on our tumblr.

Q: I have another question! A: Feel free to reach out to us at our email ruffledgryphon(@)gmail(.)com or here on tumblr  with any other questions you have about the zine.

[yagiichan]

cod x fem!reader EDC Week

cod x fem!reader

cod members reaction to you when they first see you out of your tactical gear, and you’re actually dressed up for EDC.

Warning: mentions of smut, 18+ Minors DNI, language. Mentions of breeding.

A/N: EDC literally just happened in my city, and I’ve been into the COD x reader stories recently. It’s not going to be anything impressive, but I hope ya’ll like it. Again, this is my HC for whatever reason. IDK, I don’t really make sense to myself neither, so don’t @ me. :3 This is also my first time posting on tumblr, so please be nice.

FYI I do not know a whole lot of lore, I’m just here for the fun of it, so please do not flame me for any inaccurate/unplausible storytelling I am about to convey.

P.S. I drew the design of the dress, but I referenced an image on pinterest. I apologize as I do not know the original artist for the figure.

----------------------------

Chatter amongst the operatives broke out, as everyone began filing out of the room, from another long debriefing. You were new to the squad, and just barely began speaking to anyone. Layered in heavy combat armor, and face covered with a balaclava and dark round shades every time you’re on base. You don’t like it when people gawk at you, especially when conducting professional business.

You find it easier when you’re covered up. People treated you like a normal soldier, rather than a piece of meat. Though, doesn’t really stop the flirtatious comments coming from your companions.

Soap would linger sometimes, making fun little passes, “What’ve you got hidin’ under there, bird?” You’d laugh him off and just tell him nothing he’d be interested in. He’d quip back “Bet there’s loads I can find interesting, dove…” You continue to laugh, making your way down the dim hallway. The other members, following behind. Gaz would chime in with a “knock-it-off” comment every now and then, but he was just as curious how you’d look too.

Pretty much, everyone has seen one another, considering how long they’ve been enlisted together, so it’s no surprise that fresh meat would immediately attract the attention of wolves.

Ghost, Konig, and Horangi followed from behind, watching you laugh.

“What’s the fresh meat good at anyways?” Ghost asked nonchalantly. Horangi shrugged his shoulders, with a soft “mm-mm”. Konig shook his head at the both of them “Hand-to-hand combat and reconnaissance. Apparently, she’s managed to close the distance on the Captain and threw him straight into the wall.” Ghost scoffed, attempting to burn a hole in the back of your skull. “She is? Look at her” he pointed with his chin, “A literal fuckin’ gnome is what she is.” Horangi chortled a little bit, Konig staying silent.

Price picking up on their conversation, cleared his throat, “You’ll see in due time lads. Someone like that can be the least expected.”

“So, since it’s the start of the weekend why don’t we start with a bang and head down to the pub for a fill?”

 Soap suggested eagerly. The week prior had been incredibly taxing, so everyone was privy to the idea, besides you.

“Oh, no, I’m sorry. I’ve actually got plans this weekend,” you sheepishly laughed. Soap whined, prodding you on what your plans are. You didn’t budge, only that it was already planned some time ago and you can’t miss you. Despite the constant badgering, Soap deflated in defeat, as Gaz patted his back. Despite the initial rejection, Soap bounced back almost immediately.

Chatting away with you, talking about coming out with them another time. You laughed along, apologizing that you couldn’t attend now, but promised to meet in the future.

Making your way towards your apartment complex on base, you noticed everyone else also shuttling into the freight elevator with you. You tilted your head in confusion, queueing Price,

“Well, we all share the same apartment complex. Compliment of the base we currently reside on. Wants to make sure we’re on the ready for when things go down.”

 You slowly nodded in understanding. You clicked your floor number, 10 and noticed that nobody else clicked a floor number besides 14. You looked at Price again, who sheepishly explained that squads are assigned to their own floors. That, since you’re now part of their operation, you’ll probably need to get the changes made soon.

“S’pparently supposed to bring us ‘closer’, build a bond with one another?”

You hummed in acknowledgement, thinking it was cute, “Yeah, I suppose it makes sense.” Chatter continued, until you reached your floor. Getting off, you said your goodnights to everyone. Soap continued to moan, hoping to get a glimpse of you at some point. Gaz agreeing, and Price chuckling at them.

The brooding bunch discussed themselves the best bar to pick from for the night. As the elevator finally reached their floor Soap clapped his hands together “Welp! How’s bout we all meet up again in an hour aye? Freshen up a lil bit. Maybe catch us a pretty bird tonight,” wiggling his eyebrows with the suggestion.

Sighing at Soap’s obvious desperation everyone agreed to meet in the hallway before heading down to the pub.

“Right! Now, let’s get this party started!” Soap howled, looking like he pregame’d before meeting up with the crew.

Everyone had transferred themselves into fresher clothing, finally peeling away the grime of the week. Excitement slowly brews in the group as they can finally wind down for the weekend. Although everyone had changed into more comfortable attire, the three brooding bunch kept their visages concealed.  All members shuffling into the freight elevator, chattering happily amongst themselves.

As the freight elevator begins its slow descent towards the ground floor, it suddenly stops at floor 10. Voices begin to hush as the door slowly slides open, revealing a woman with a high slit dress, stopping at the waist. Four thin black bands wrapped around strong thighs.

Her upper torso covered with black cloth besides the diamond cut pattern, exposing her breasts with dangerous allure. Her lower face covered by a black cloth that looked infused with the rest of the dress, leaving only her eyes visible, and hair to flow freely.

The unknown woman continued to adjust herself, before looking up into the elevator, capturing the eyes of every man on board.

----

Your eyes gleamed with happiness, pulling your mask down, smiling brightly at the lot.

“Hey team!” You chirped.

Silence.

“Heading out to the pub now?”

More silence. Eyes continued to stare you down. Not sure what to make of who you are. You started to feel awkward. Not realizing that this is their first time seeing you, especially like this.

“Erm… well then, off we go…? Heh…” you laughed nervously, with the door sliding closed once more, and the lift beginning its descent once more.

The ride down was silent and awkward, at least for the men. You just continued to tap away at your phone, not a care in the world, making plans to meet your friend at the festival entrance.

“(Y/N)?? Is that you?” Gaz piped up, still inspecting you from head to toe. You turned towards Gaz, nodding your head and smiling.

“Suppose this is the first time you guys have seen me outside of my Michelin Man outfit huh?”

You laughed at your own joke, not ever noticing the way their eyes grew hungrier by the second.

You never noticed the way Price stood just a little bit closer, in hopes of accidentally bumping into you. He’d blame it on how crowded the elevator was.

You never noticed the way Soap suddenly started spilling all over his words. His face slowly heating up with every time you laughed at his silly antics.

You never noticed the way Gaz was literally, so star struck, only nodding and laughing at whatever you were saying.

You never noticed the way Ghost suddenly stood up a little straighter, rather than leaning towards the rail of the elevator, trying to make himself look taller. More attractive for you.

Or the way Horangi adjusted his glasses every now and then to make sure you don’t catch him staring at you.

Or the way Konig began to fidget anxiously, staring intently at your being, hands held together to hide something that slowly began to rage in his pants. He was sweating profusely.

“Konig?” you questioned, staring up at the hulking 6’10” man.

Shit.

“Are you alright? You’re sweating up a storm.” Everyone began to turn towards him, suddenly finding himself embarrassed. With a few ‘legit’ coughs Konig spoke.

“Just need some air s’all.” He played it off way too cool. The others glared at him with jealousy when you showed concern for him. Konig, though his face not visible to others, smiled a triumphant smile under his facemask.

You smiled brightly at him, breathing a sigh of relief, tugging at his heartstrings even more. Glances were stolen every now and then by your team members. Assessing your body, and trying to determine if it’s the trick of the light, or your thighs are just that delicious. Toned, large, and ready to crush heads.

Oh, how they wished to have their heads between your legs. To have that pretty black dress lifted over their heads, and to hear your sweet voice calling out their names in ecstasy. Your hair sticking to your skin, drenched in the sweat and tears of your pheromones.

To watch the rise and fall of your heaving chest, as your honey coats their face and tongues. Once you’ve had your high, the dress comes off and you smile that bright smile at them, hands cupping their faces whisper-begging.

“Come here, darling… Come to me. I need you, so badly.” You’d pant out, with tears in your eyes, and a wobbly smile on your face, just begging to be ravaged by them. To be pumped with their loads.

Oh, they all wanted you, and you didn’t even know it.

The ride down felt like forever, until the soft ding of elevator is heard throughout, indicating your destination of the ground floor.

----

“So, where are you heading, dressed up like this?” Price inquired.

“EDC. It’s going on for 3 days, but I’ll only be going for two.” You stated excitedly.

“EDC? Wassall that then hen?” Now Soap asking the questions.

“It’s just a music festival. Electric Dance Carnival. Been dying to go, and since we’re out here I wanted to take the chance.” You informed the bunch. They all walked along side you, the rest in silence as Soap continued his barrage of questions.

“Oh, but I won’t be getting insanely lit or anything like that! It’s just an opportunity is all! I’m meeting some friends.” You corrected yourself, not wanting to have your team think you’re some sort of degenerate (hehe).

As you continued to happily chat away, your taxi pulled up. Bounding towards the door you turn back towards your fellow soldiers, not missing a beat.

“Ay, be safe, okay? If you need anything, don’t hesitate to phone me.” You chirped once more.

“Anyways, I’m off then! Be seeing you around!” You waved as you got into your taxi, driving away into the city.

----

Sitting around a table, with a dimly lit light hanging above them, Ghost groaned at the thought of phoning you to let you know that he isn’t feeling well. That he might need some of that ‘comfort’ you were giving to Konig earlier. Felt kind of sweaty. Might need you to take care of him, if you get what I’m laying down.

Price, Konig, and Horangi sat around the table, watching Gaz and Soap playing rounds of pool, but not really committing to it. Something on their mind, pretty sure knowing what, or who, it could be.

“If I died tomorrow, I’d want it to be those thighs wrapped around my head.” Soap dreamt, leaning on his pole.

“Yeah, no shit. Wasn’t expecting any of that. Reckon I’d begin howling at the moon just to have a bite.” Gaz chuckled.

Eyes snapped up at the duo, and then at each other.

Price laid a hefty pat on Ghosts shoulder, reminding him of his comment earlier.

“Still not what you were expecting, weren’t you lad?”  laughing heartily. Ghost grunted at his comment, as did Horangi and Konig.

“I… must admit… I too, was not expecting such a treat tonight.” Horangi shuttered with each word. Konig nodded vigorously.

Still fantasizing about your worry over him. Fretting over his comfort. He was already fantasizing about your wedding. The life you’ll lead together. Breeding you up with his young, having you cry under his weight, with your legs wrapped tightly around him as he drilled his throbbing member deep into your core. Konig shuttered at the thought.

“I’m going to make her mind” Konig stated out of the blue. Suddenly, all eyes snapped at him. Flashes of competitiveness and want evident on everyone’s face. Now, everyone was vying for your affection. And you didn’t even have an inkling of an idea that any of this was going down.

----

I hope ya’ll liked my story. It’s probably all over the place, and that’s okay. It was something I’ve been needing to get out of my system. Something I can go back to when I’m feeling that little itch.  I may build on this for our individual heroes. IDK.

[detailtilted]

In Search of Supernatural Fans from the Early Years

Hi! I’m looking for the legends who originally recorded old Supernatural convention panels featuring Jared or Jensen, or possibly Misha. See "What I'm Looking For" below. If you know one of them, or if you're a member of a community with people who were in the fandom in those early years, I’d greatly appreciate it if you could let them know about this post. I can be reached at DetailTilted@gmail.com or here on Tumblr.

If you aren’t familiar with my project, see the “Project Background” section below. This is not a low-effort exercise to merely repackage old videos. I’m putting many hours of work into each video to improve their watchability and accessibility. I will always credit my sources unless you wish to remain anonymous.

Even if your videos are on YouTube, I’m likely to have more success upscaling them if I can get the original video files. Thanks to the videos AgtSpooky kindly sent me, I've learned how big of a difference it can make when I have the original files to work with. That's why I’m putting more effort into finding those elusive original video takers.

The problem is that they all seem to have fallen off the face of the earth. Most of their YouTube accounts, LiveJournal accounts, and whatever other accounts I’ve dug up haven’t had any activity in 10-15 years. I’ve left a few messages on some of them, but I doubt they’ll be seen on dormant accounts. I’ve also gone down some crazy and twisted Googling paths trying to find current contact info for them, but without much success. In one case I even messaged the wrong person, who was at least kind enough to reply to the psycho asking for videos to let me know she wasn't the person I'd hoped she was. Oops!

What I’m Looking For

I’ve already finished CHICON 2007, Comic-Con 2008, and CHICON 2008, so I don’t need videos from those events, but I’d be happy to try to upscale your videos for your own collection if you have some you'd like to send me.

Actually, I could use CHICON 2008 Breakfast videos if you have any. I plan to attempt to redo that video either late this year or early next year.

I’ve been trying especially hard to reach people with original video files from either LA 2009 or Asylum 3 (2009), and I’d also be ecstatic to get some from LA 2008.

Any other old con videos you’re willing to share that have Jared or Jensen in them would be awesome. I hope to get to all the old conventions eventually. I haven’t yet defined “old”, so I don’t have a specific cutoff point.

Even if you just have audio files without video, those could be helpful too.

Length doesn't matter. Both long and short videos are welcome. Maybe I won't end up using them all, but the more options I have the better. Even if I don't put your video in my final edit, it would still be used because I always listen to every single video I can find when I'm finalizing my subtitles. Each video sounds at least a little different, and sometimes just hearing the audio in a slightly different way lets me catch a subtitle I'd missed or misheard.

Also, just to be clear, it isn’t necessarily my intent to exclude Misha. I’ve watched and enjoyed many of his convention videos and I liked Castiel for the most part, especially in the earlier seasons. I’m just not obsessed with Misha like I am with Jared and Jensen, and these videos do take quite a lot of work, so I’ve been putting my energy where my greatest interests lie. I’ll absolutely be including him when he’s in panels with Jared and/or Jensen, and in the future I may consider doing some of his solo panels.

So if you have original video files of Misha's solo panels that you’d like to send me, I’d be happy to add them to my stockpile for future possible use. If your videos turn out to be mostly complete, and if they upscale easily, then I might go ahead and do his panel at the same time I do the other panels from the same convention. If they'll take more effort to work with, I’ll probably skip them for now, but I may come back and tackle them if/when I run out of old Jared and Jensen videos to work with.

For any con videos you send me, regardless of whether I use them or not, I’d be happy to try to upscale them and send them back to you for your collection. I can’t always get things to upscale, so I can’t promise success, but I’ll definitely try.

Project Background - Enhanced Edition Con Videos

You can find my videos on my YouTube channel. (If you're already familiar with my project, skip to the next section -- there's nothing new to see here.)

I started this project in December 2023 to enhance old convention videos. My goal is to make them easier on the eyes and more accessible to both new and old fans from around the world. The videos on YouTube from that time can be difficult both to watch and to understand due to a combination of the older technology used to record them, the difficult recording conditions the fans were working with, and the lack of subtitles that make any sense.

I’m enhancing the videos as follows:

Visual Improvements: I’m upscaling the videos if possible, making color corrections if needed, and adding some slight stabilization to reduce the jitteriness. The end result is far from perfect because there’s only so much that current technology can do, but it's noticeably improved if you compare it to the originals.

Subtitles: I’m adding good, color-coded, English subtitles that can be turned on or off through YouTube’s CC button. The color-coding makes it more clear who's saying what when multiple people are speaking, and YouTube can auto-translate them into other languages to improve the accessibility.

Multiple Sources: If one video has gaps in it, then I'll try to find another that I can edit in to fill those gaps so the end result is as complete as possible. If I have more than one source that captured the same portion of the event, then I'll cut to whichever video I think had the best view of the action. In a few cases I’ve added a split screen with two different videos showing simultaneously so we can see action that's taking place in two separate areas. For example, when Jared and Jensen are on opposite sides of the stage. (There were also the infernal talking head bubbles on my Comic-Con 2008 video which nearly made me throw in the towel, but taught me a lot. 😅)

Extra Content for Context: These older videos don’t take up the full width of a modern video frame, so I’ve taken advantage of the extra space to display some still images with text to add extra context for many of the things they discuss. Some things are a lot funnier, or at least a lot more relevant, when you know exactly what they’re talking about. I clarify Supernatural episode references and pop culture references among other things. Sometimes I’ve also inserted short video clips, usually just a few seconds’ worth, if I thought it would add worthwhile clarity or entertainment to the topic at hand.

Current Project Status

If anyone has been wondering how I’m doing on my current video and what’s next… I’m almost done with the last video from CHICON 2008, which was Jensen’s solo panel. I should be ready to publish it on YouTube this Friday, May 24. I plan to use the same schedule as last time and put the Tumblr post up the following Tuesday when it’s a little more likely to be noticed here.

The next sequential conventions are LA 2009 and Asylum 2009, but I haven’t had much success in my attempts to upscale the available videos. If I were to work with what I have now, I know I could turn out something better than what’s on YouTube today, but the end result wouldn’t be nearly as good as what I might be able to achieve if I can get some original videos to work with. So I think it’s more logical to skip over these conventions for now and give it some time to see if I get any responses, in hope of a better end result.

I do intend to come back to the skipped conventions eventually, even if nobody sends me anything. Once I run out of conventions for which I can upscale the videos, if I still don't have anything better to work with for the ones I skipped, I’ll just do the best I can with what’s available. Even if I can't upscale, I can still do color corrections and stabilization, plus the subtitles and extra content. Some of these panels are split up into a bunch of very short videos, so it would also add value if I can combine them into something more sequential and cohesive. (I found 130 videos from the Jared and/or Jensen panels at LA 2009, and most of them were under 2 minutes long. 🤣) I don’t know if there’s enough footage to cover the entire panels seamlessly, but I’m itching to get my hands on that jigsaw puzzle of videos to try to make sense out of them.

So… the next videos I intend to work on will be from Vancouver 2009. This is one of the conventions that AgtSpooky attended and sent me videos for and they upscaled very well. Her breakfast video had already found its way onto YouTube, but wasn't properly credited. Her main panel videos aren't on YouTube as far as I could find, so that version may be new to newer fans. I'm only just starting to play around with upscaling the other sources out there, but my first attempt at the other main Breakfast source came out well. Both breakfast videos were taken from extreme opposite angles, so that should provide some useful editing opportunities. I’d still love to get more videos of this event if anyone has them.

If you made it this far, I am in awe. Sorry for putting this wall of text on your screen! 😅

[taisoleil]

Saturn and Ancestors through the Houses

First off, Saturn is an elder. It brings upon lessons, but did you know that those blockages are actually coming from some things your ancestors already experienced? This is the “been there, done that” planet that already knows the pain you’re going through? Why so? Because pain and trauma, which is Saturnian in nature, is carried this way. To understand this we must understand what is a natal chart in the first place.

I got this piece inspiration awhile back from someone on tumblr talking about how our chart are how our parent felt about our birth and what they were experiencing. This information helps us understand not only ourselves, but them. So, why can’t we understand our ancestors through this very system? Saturn is also ruled by time where with wisdom, should come time.

Timelines aren’t as straightforward as you may think. This is why Saturn does so well in the 12H is because of the ability to understand how much time (Saturn) can be an illusion (12H). This is also why your past, current, and future life are all happening at the same time, and why you are your ancestors, and how they live within you. When you reminisce about trauma from the past it’s as if you’re living it in your present moment because of that timelines overlapping.

Saturn really deals with the ancestral trauma and generational curses we all deal with. This may not be something you’ve felt from family, but something you may even be carrying with you due to your lineage. There’s a lot of people in your bloodline, so you never know what you’re carrying until you ask or check in with yourself. More than likely, your family members have been through the same thing.

This post is archived on my site here: https://www.taisoleil.com/articles/2021/6/11/d9mj0oemzek40itx9fonl3cdtblpnw

Full interpretations are exclusively on my Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/posts/87216320?utm_campaign=postshare_creator

Saturn 1H: One may have felt like they weren’t good enough when it comes to family. A generational issue you may be dealing with is linked with the insecurity of not being enough.

Saturn 2H: Feeling financially held back and traumatized is something you may experience when it comes to your family. You may have an issue with trauma bonding when it comes to money because of the fear of losing it all.

Saturn 3H: Feeling like your ideas were never enough probably caused you to second guess your own abilities. Being able to learn and refine your ideas based on how life shifts is how you evolve. The slightest bit of disappointment shouldn’t shake that.

Saturn 4H: Not being able to have you to yourself may have been a problem. Being forced to grow up early to deal with adult life before you were even ready was probably a thing as well. This is a situation where you had higher standards projected on you than other people.

Saturn 5H: FUN??? In your household??? Probably not! You probably were told to pursue something more serious and steady, possibly stripping you or your own creativity. It probably is hard for you to get out of black and white thinking because you were told if it doesn’t make sense, it cannot possibly be valuable.

Saturn 6H: Speaking of work, aren’t y’all tired of doing that? Having to prove yourself based on how much you do isn’t doing much for you at all. You may have come from a family that is used to breaking their backs to maintain something only to get caught in a rat race they can’t get themselves out of.

Saturn 7H: Learning how to keep the right bonds may be important for you. As with anything in life, some bonds aren’t worth the energy based on the time we spend with people. Giving that many people that sort of lenience is a disservice to yourself.

Saturn 8H: Spending habits are going to be key from you. You may have been a family that was scared that you would miss out on something if you didn’t spend. The contrary to this is that even though money may have not been lost, in your day and age, every penny counts, and you weren’t taught frugality during an economic time where money was more available.

Saturn 9H: Don’t be afraid of new experiences. You may came from a family that didn’t do much. Didn’t venture out or try new things. Because of this, you may stay in your bubble or level of comfort zone that allows you the safety. The Sun finds joy in the 9H, and it can be an ego killer to find out you’ve been wrong about certain things.

Saturn 10H: High expectations can cause you to fold under pressure if you’re not careful. You may have come from a family that was expected of you to do everything even if that means forsaking what seemed to be unimportant.

Saturn 11H: Friendship and aspirations may be hard for you. Your family may have had terrible community/support/friends. People bringing you down is only going to regress your further if you’re not careful.

Saturn 12H: Your Saturn is in joy here. You may understand how to go about things better than others. Your ancestors may have figured it all out, and gave you the keys. Moving through your life, don’t doubt what you know. Instead, think more about what you can do with what you’ve learned.

[thefallennightmare]

Just Pretend-fifteen

*gif created by me. feel free to use, simply give credit*

Parings: Noah Sebastian x Musician! Reader

Warnings/Tropes: language, angst, fluff, smut, star-crossed lovers, right person/wrong time, cheating, talks of mental abuse.

Summary: “I can wait for years, heaven knows I’m not getting over you.” A story about two star-crossed lovers, that always find their way back because their souls are entwined. The universe desperately attempts to bring them together, no matter what the cost.

Authors Note: it so mf late and I have to work tomorrow. so y'all better enjoy my loves!

Tags: @ozwriterchick @waake-meee-up @notingridslurkaccount @niicoleleigh @sammyjoeee @xxrainstorm @dominuslunae @notmaddihealy @malice-ov-mercy @crimson-calligraphyx @iknownothingpeople @writethrough @thebadchic @blackveilomens Claudia on Tumblr @tobe-written @blacksoul-27 @loeytuan98 @loverofagoodbeard @comfortcharactercraze @lma1986 @plutonikchaos1 @spicywhenspeaking @lyschko666 @somewhere-diamond @hi-fancy-seeing-you-here @koskeepsake @bngurngheart @shilohrosechicken

READER

My heart hammered in my chest as I took the next right, the familiar neighborhood coming into view. I peered to my right, making sure the gift basket was still buckled in place, and the excitement of seeing him again made my stomach flutter. My flight landed less than an hour ago but instead of going straight up, I loaded up my car with all of my bags and came straight to his house. The talk with my father was still loud in my mind.

My father and I had a long talk yesterday. He could sense something was causing my inner plagues. He caught on quickly; he knew the slightest changes in my demeanor.

Oie vie, that sounds familiar.

We discussed everything that happened, from top to bottom; even the veil of intimacy- I was modest, using a simple statement of course, this was my dad. But, I couldn’t lie to him- he put his hand on my shoulder and said.

“I’m sure you think that I don’t understand what you’re going through, but I do. It’s just that sometimes, our future is dictated by what we are in our most current state, as opposed to what we want and actually need.”

We talked more after that; it was opening the curtain that was in front of my eyes. The curtain of Noah and I- the one I only peeked through this whole time. The curtain needs to open.

“What are you going to do?” He asked, pulling back from a gracious hug. We were standing in the large airport, my flight minutes away from being called.

There was a long pause as I mewled the words over my tongue.

“I don’t know,” I finally answered.

We stood together for another minute, just holding each other.

“Follow your heart, Y/N. Break the chains that bind you.” My dad held my face with both of his hands and I could see his eyes glisten.

Was he emotional? I couldn’t be sure.

We hugged again, and I laughed. “Who knew you were a poet with words like that.”

He mocks gasped. “Where the hell do you think you get from?”

“True.”

Less than a block away, my phone buzzed and as I pulled up to the stop sign, I glanced down at the new message.

Chase: sweets, we need to talk to you. Call us when you can.

My heart dropped a little, worry filling me, but I didn’t want whatever he had to talk about ruining my plans so while still stopped, I quickly typed a reply.

ME: I have pretty shitty service where I’m at. What’s up?

As I drove again, my heart began beating loudly in my chest as his house came into view, his car sitting in the driveway.

He’s home.

Pulling to a slow, I reached for my phone ready to text him but the new message from Chase gave me immediate pause; my stomach dropping straight down to the pits of my stomach.

Chase: Noah went out on a date. He’s seeing someone.

My car idled in the middle of the road as I read the message repeatedly, the words like a dagger through my chest.

No, it can’t be true. Maybe it was a mistake, a misunderstanding.

Chase: sweets??

A loud horn jarred me from my froze state and with a choked sob, I pulled over the car to the side of the road, two houses down from his.

Tears burned in the corners of my eyes but they didn’t fall. My fingers hovered over his contact, debating whether I should call him. Maybe if I told him I was coming to see him, he would explain everything.

“Coming up next on Octane,” the loud voice from the speakers made me jump, heart still beating hard in my chest as my teary eyes stared at the radio on the dashboard. “A brand new single by Virginia native band Bad Omens. Here is Nowhere To Go.”

Fuck, I almost forgot about their new song.

“Why's this always gotta happen to me? I should have known. I never fail to never learn from mistakes, still throwing stones. Blood signed we made it a pact. Yours dried out, you took it back.”

I choked on a sob as Noah’s words dug the knife deeper into my chest. Tears still pooling in my eyes but not yet falling.

“Hear me out, I'm sorry, but I'm a little less than sold. I've been around, heard all the stories you said you never told. You're used to speaking in tongues to feel like you're in control. Now you've got nowhere to run, now you've got nowhere to go.”

The emotion in Noah’s voice made me rest my head against the cool window, letting it ease away the burning warmth that spread through my skin.

“Tell me what's mine and tell me what's yours. Why I never got a say, never got a choice? Tell me what's mine and tell me what's yours. Why I never got a say, never got a choice? Tell me what's mine and tell me what's yours. Why I never got a say, never got a choice? Tell me what's mine and tell me what's yours And why I never ever got a fucking say? Oh.”

Now the tears fell freely into my lap as my body shook with sobs, it falling silent against Noah’s strong voice, his emotion, hurt, and anger blasting through the speakers.

“Are you ready? I'm in the driver's seat now. Oh, oh.”

“Mother fucker,” I cursed myself through sobs as I smacked the steering wheel not once, not twice, but three times.

I never meant to not give him a say, I never meant to not allow him a chance, it was never the intention to blindside him; it was a shield, a mask I wore the night I left that hotel room, and clearly; one of the biggest mistakes of my life. Noah was right, I had nowhere to go. As I sat in the driver's seat, grieving over the consequences of my fearful and irrational actions, the song ended, and I sat in silence. I heard the air conditioner hum, the humming almost hid the sound of my beating and broken heart.

You did this, stupid girl.

While driving over to Noah’s, I didn’t know the outcome of what would happen as I practiced what I planned on telling him. But now, as the tears and makeup dried to my face, I knew only one thing; I fucking love Noah, and I waited too long.

Chase: Y/N, please let me know you’re okay.

With shaky hands, I clicked on Malcolm’s contact name, the ringing of the phone echoing throughout my small car.

“Buttercup, where are you?”

At hearing the sheer panic in his voice as he rushed out the words, I broke down in sobs yet again.

“I fucked up, guys,” I cried.

“No, sweets. You didn’t.” Chase sighed.

I nodded even though he couldn’t see me. “Yes, I did! Did you not hear their song? He’s seeing someone else!”

“Why are you there, Y/N? It’s only going to hurt you,” Malcolm said.

Through blurry vision, I stared up at Noah’s house as a light upstairs turned off and I couldn't help but wonder if that was his bedroom.

“I-I don’t know. I just thought that maybe,” the words came out in a jumbled mess and I did my best to compose myself with a deep breath.

“Come home, sweets. We miss you. We can sit on the couch in front of the fire and you can tell us about how the rest of your trip went. Salem misses you, he hasn’t stopped meowing at your door.” Chase suggested.

I peered over to the gift basket on my right. It was filled with a variety of gifts I brought back for Noah with a handwritten note taped to the front; one that will go unread now.

“Okay,” I said, defeated. “I’ll be there soon.”

After hanging up with them, I let out a few shaky breaths to compose myself as I stared at myself in the mirror, wiping away the tears.

Get your shit together.

With a longing glance toward Noah's house, I quickly typed out a message to the Hollow Omens group chat before pulling a U-turn and heading back home.

Me: The new song is amazing! I’m proud of you guys! Can’t wait to hear what else you have up your sleeves.

JOLLY

As I ascended the stairs, phone in my hand, I read the thread in the Hollow Omens group chat.

Malcolm: We’re throwing a welcome back bitch party at our place Friday night for Y/N. All you have to bring is yourselves. We’ll provide everything else.

Y/N: no, no party. Please.

Chase: too bad. It’s already been decided.

Folio: fuck yea, we’ll be there! Nick and I are flying in Thursday night.

Me: We missed you, Y/N. Can’t wait to hear all about your trip.

As I was passing by Noah’s shut door, his text popped up in the chat. He returned home from hanging out with Bailey a little while ago and immediately held up in his room.

Noah: bringing my date, that cool?

Y/N: 🆒

I ran a hand over my face at how stupid Noah was being. It was one thing to ask Malcolm or Chase separately, but asking in the group chat where he knew Y/N could see was a new low. Orie was passing by the hallway so I pulled him to a stop, filling him in on what happened.

“He’s a fucking idiot,” he shook his head

Still, in front of his door, I went to knock on the door but I froze; soft music playing through the wood.

“Is he listening to Cher again?” Orie wondered with pulled brows.

“He loves Cher,” I reminded him.

“Noah is playing back time on again.”

My head snapped towards Orie to correct him. “That's TURN BACK TIME. That’s the title.”

“Oh excuse me,” he held up his hands.

“You’re lucky I was the one to correct you and not him. Noah is serious about Cher.” I snorted before knocking on the door.

The music stopped. “Come in.”

Noah spun around in his computer chair and nodded towards us. “What’s up?”

“Have you lost your mind?” Orie asked.

“What are you talking about?” Noah shook his head, confused.

“How do you go from dumb to dumber this fast?”

Now he looked towards me. “Excuse me?”

“You could have texted Chase or Malcolm to ask about bringing a date. But in the group chat where Y/N could see, why the fuck would you do that?” I questioned.

“Why not?” Noah shrugged nonchalantly.

He’s your brother. You can’t hit him.

“I don’t know if you’re trying to make her jealous or what, but if this blows up in your face,” Orie shook his head while leaning against the wall.

“It won’t, like I told you guys before, I need to at least attempt to move on,” Noah turned back towards his computer, loading up Twitch.

“Okay but, I don’t think-,” I started.

“Let it go,” Noah spoke over his shoulder, not bothering to glance my way.

“This isn’t an attempt to move on. You’re doing this on purpose and it’s messy, Noah.” I examined.

“Dude- don’t, I don’t need a lecture. It’s just casual. Bailey and I are just hanging out-that’s it,” he explained before motioning towards his door. “Can you close the door behind you?”

With a long breath, Orie and I shared a look before retreating out of his room.

READER

The sudden commotion coming from down the hall gave me pause as I stared at myself in the mirror, wondering if it was worth walking through my door to socialize. I compiled a list of excuses to use to get out of this little welcome-back party tonight but every single one Chase and Malcolm saw right through.

“My painting class ran late. I might not make it.”

Malcolm was there at 6:30 to pick me up; right on time.

“I’m on my period and the pain is terrible.”

Chase snickered. “You had your period last week.”

“Salem isn’t feeling well, I should take him to the vet.”

As Salem was doing his usual evening zoomies around the house as he played with one of his many toys that littered the floor throughout the house.

In the end, my excuses did nothing to keep me from this party tonight so much to my dismay, I forced a fake smile on my face. It wasn’t going to be easy tonight knowing that not only would Noah be here, me seeing him for the first time in almost two weeks, but also knowing he wasn’t alone.

He brought a date.

Good for him, I told myself. He deserves to be happy.

But you wanted it to be with you.

Forcing the thought to the far depths of my mind, I took a deep breath to steady myself then left my room to follow the commotion of the noise.

Holy shit.

The living room was packed with more people than I expected, music playing in the background. Besides Chase, Malcolm, Byran, Matt, and the guys of Bad Omens, there were a few unfamiliar faces.

“What happened to a small party?” I teased Malcolm as I took a cup from him and took a small sip, the alcohol burning down my throat. “Oh, shit. What the fuck is this?”

The liquorice-tasting booze lingered on my tongue long after.

“Ouzo. Brought by Jesse Cash,” Malcolm nodded behind me.

My eyes widened as I turned around, eyes immediately connected with the guitarist and clean vocalist of Erra. My heart beat faster, my inner fangirl trying hard not to break free. I’d been a fan of theirs for years.

“Holy shit,” I stammered. “I’m not shitting on your alcohol choice. It’s great.”

Jesse smiled. “I hear you’re big into Greek mythology and thought it would fit to bring a popular Greek drink.”

I raised my cup to him in thanks before taking another small sip, this time the burning eased its way down my throat.

“So, you live with Noah and Jolly?” I asked Jesse.

“Yeah with Michael and Orie,” he answered just as two other unfamiliar faces appeared on either side of him.

I recognized Orie’s name as the one who directs their music videos the other I wasn’t completely familiar with. As we exchanged hello’s, Michael informed me he’d been a friend of Noah’s for a while and was in another band. After a while when Jolly and Nick joined the group, I began telling them about my trip to Japan until I felt a burning gaze to the side of my head.

My heart broke at the sight in front of me.

Noah was leaning against the wall, a small brunette standing up against his chest as her fingers played with the beads of his rosary, twirling it in her fingers. Whatever she was trying to talk to Noah fell on deaf ears as he bore his eyes straight down to his feet. Almost as if he knew I was watching, Noah gazed up towards me and when our eyes locked, he gently pried the rosary out of his date's hands, pushing her away slightly.

I coughed, embarrassed for being caught staring, and turned towards the couch sitting next to Chase.

“Are you okay?” He asked, ice-colored eyes peering over his cup towards Noah.

“She seems nice,” I spoke low while messing with a loose strand on the ripped part of my jeans.

Chase hummed low in his chest. “She’s practically throwing herself on him in front of everyone. It’s weird.”

Playfully, I smacked his chest then finished my drink with a wince, setting the empty cup on the table in front of me just as Michael sat on the other side of me.

“So, Hollow Souls in your band?”

I nodded with a small smile. “Yeah; me, Chase, and Malcolm.”

“I listened to your first two albums but can I say how excited I am for your new stuff,” Michael leaned against the couch, resting his arm across the back of it.

“We are too. There’s a new way we want to go, musically and lyrically, that’s going to differ from how we used to be.”

We continued to chat for a long while, Chase jumping in every once in a while, until someone sat on the couch across from me, his long legs stretching out to brush against my calf. Noah gave me a small smile.

“Hi,” he said.

I forced my best smile, ignoring the girl who sat next to him with her hand on his thigh.

“Hey.”

“You look good,” Noah nodded towards me. “Have a good trip?”

“Yeah. I love my dad and had a lot of fun but I was ready to come home.”

Noah's eyes glinted. “Missed us?”

I shrugged while crossing my legs over at the ankles as I leaned back against Chase. “I missed Chase terribly. I don’t know how I went on without him after he left.”

A rouse of laughter echoed throughout the living room but the girl next to Noah watched with curious eyes.

“Hi, I’m Bailey,” She sat forward while extending her hand towards me. “It’s lovely to finally meet you. I’m a huge fan. ”

Noah and my intense gaze never broke until the hand shook in front of me again, almost reminding me to shake it. Breaking away reluctantly, I smiled at Bailey.

“Oh, hi. Nice to meet you as well,” I carefully shook her hand.

The burning gaze drilled into me as I let go of Bailey’s hand, subconsciously rubbing my palm on my thigh. Noah watched the two of us with intense eyes, darting back and forth with such speed.

“This guy talks a lot about you,” Bailey squeezed Noah’s thigh, making him stiffen.

I cleared my throat, blood draining from my face. “H-he does?”

She nodded with a smile. “Noah is a huge fan of Hollow Souls. I saw you guys on this last tour and needless to say, I was jealous that I couldn’t see him fill in with you guys those last few nights. I bet it was amazing performing together, having Noah’s great vocals with you. I mean, not saying yours are bad. But Trey’s always overshadowed it with his lyrics.”

My shoulders went rigid for two reasons; Trey and his lyrics.

Chase clicked his tongue before drowning down the rest of his drink. Malcolm, who stood behind the couch, reached over and squeezed my shoulder, knowing how deep I was about to go with this conversation.

“I write all the lyrics for Hollow Souls,” I informed Bailey.

Her eyes widened, still not removing her hand from Noah’s thigh. “I didn’t-. I read things online that said it was all Trey.”

I bit my lip, knowing that it wasn't her fault and she shouldn’t face my wrath. But it could have been because Trey was still such a sore subject for me or the fact that her hand was now grazing up and down on Noah’s thigh. Dr. Poulos told me I was running, and even Noah told me subliminally I was running. They were right and now look where it got me. Me, staring at another woman touching what was rightfully mine.

It didn’t work because the words slipped through my lips before I could stop them.

“Do you believe everything you read online?” I raised a teasing brow.

The tension in the room was thick, something everyone but this poor girl picked up on.

“No. I’m really sorry if I offended you, Y/N. It wasn’t my intention. I’ve just been a fan for years and always thought Trey wrote the songs,” Bailey said.

My jaw clenched but before I could retort, my phone rang, silencing all my words.

“Hello?” I sighed into it.

“Hi dear. Why so somber?”

My face broke out in a large smile at hearing my dad's voice. “Hi, dad. How are you?”

“Good, just got back from a run and wanted to check in.”

Malcolm smacked my shoulder. “Put it on speaker. I want to say hi.”

Rolling my eyes, I clicked the speaker button. “Dad, Malcolm wants to say hi.”

As the two of them talked, I dared a glance over to Noah and Bailey, and my stomach drop at the sigh; they were having their own deep conversation, her hand still resting against his thigh. Blinking away the tears that stung, I let out a shaky breath as my dad’s voice caught my attention.

“Dear, how did things go with what’s his name? Did you tell him the truth? Oh fuck, I can’t remember his name. OH! No-?”

Quickly taking the call off the speaker, I jumped from the couch and darted into the kitchen.

NOAH

Everyone tensed as Y/N scurried out of the room with her phone pressed to her ear. Even though Bailey was rambling my ear off about some topic I wasn’t paying attention too, I missed why Y/N abruptly left the room.

“Where’s she going?” I nodded toward the spot where Y/N previously sat.

Nick cleared his throat. “Her dad was calling to check in.”

“Why are you just sitting and zoning out then?” Bailey giggled. “What’s with the tension?” 

Jolly shook his head with a smile. “There’s no tension. We’re all trying to figure out what song to listen to. Any requests?”

Something wasn’t adding up so after excusing myself to grab another drink, Bailey’s hand finally detached from my thigh. As I walked into the kitchen, I noticed Y/N was leaning against the counter, back to me and phone pressed to her ears. Her eyes were pinched closed by her fingers.

“No Dad, just leave it alone…. She seems nice, I can’t do that to him, it was a silly thing to even consider.” 

My brows furrowed as my heart beat rapidly in my chest, wondering who she was talking about. I shouldn't eavesdrop, the gods know how much I hate that shit, but I couldn’t move. My feet were frozen in place as I stuffed my hands deep into my pockets.

“Look it’s not worth it now. I waited too long.”

Waited too long? For what?

Y/N talked for another minute then hung up with a sad sigh, slowly turning around with a shocked expression as she noticed me standing there.

“Noah! Hey! How long have you been standing there?” She shifted on her feet.

“Just walked by,” I lied. “I needed another beer. Everything alright with your dad?”

“Oh yeah, totally.”

We stood there in an awkward silence; something that wasn’t common between us.

“What’s that?” I wondered while pointing behind her.

Y/N raised a brow as she peered over her shoulder to the dining room and let out a small chuckle; my heart coming to life at the sound.

“Chase’s fish tank. The thing is fucking huge and why does it need to be seen through, I don’t know. But it’s his hobby and I’m not one to make fun of someone's hobby,” she said while walking over to the large fish tank.

It was one of those that you could look through and see whatever or whoever was standing onto the other side. A variety of colors, sizes, and kinds of fish swam slowly back and forth. In the awkward silence, I stared at the mustache of the catfish my eyes gliding over the tank, looking at it instead of her. Peering back at me was a pair of the most exquisitely beautiful pair of eyes.

Those angelic eyes. I accidentally pushed my face closer to the glass, she chuckled a little. We were still silent, not sure what to say exactly. She was ethereal, truly, on the other side of the tank. We now realize it was just the two of us at this moment. It was then that I noticed the large basket on the table behind her; a piece of paper with my name tapped to the front.

“Is that for me?” I asked while standing straight.

Y/N followed my gaze, staring at the basket for a long moment before snatching the paper off of it.

“Yea. Just a few things you wanted me to bring back for you.”

Her eyes never met mind as she fiddled with the paper between her fingers. I never got the chance to ask what was so important about that flimsy paper because Bailey’s voice called out for me.

“Noah! Can you grab me a beer on your way back?”

JESSE

I had to admit, privately in the corners of myself of course- Y/N was absolutely stunning. Even I couldn’t deny that. The first few minutes of speaking with her, she definitely had an allure. I could see why Noah was so captivated at first.

But to say I was perplexed was an understatement.

I knew my friend; I knew his little quirks, habits, his way around words, and lack thereof. He knew how to get off scot easy. I observed Noah and Y/N, the awkward moments that only selected of us knew.

Fuck.

The elephant was only getting larger with one passing moment. I wanted to get up and start yelling “Cut the shit! You love each other!”

I hated this mess that was sitting on the left of me.

Noah’s actions were almost mirroring hers. It was painful to watch. The twitching, the shifting of eyes, the touching of hair. Noah’s hair was so long- he would touch the strands and twirl it and when she laughed too hard with Michael, I almost thought Noah was going to rip out a strand.

A few other things I noticed? Bailey filled up her drink twice. Y/n watched her like a hawk, and Noah watched her watch Bailey.

What a fucking hellhound of a night.

Bailey was a nice girl, but even I could see her head was too blown up into Noah land to realize she was a mere plot device, a way of distraction from the one across from her. Poor naïve thing.

Not being able to take it anymore I glanced at Noah intensely, taking off my glasses. He looked back; he knew what I was getting at. I shook my head, direction to the hallway “

We need to talk my eyes said.

Noah sighed before slipping away from Bailey, who was staring down at the contents of her drink, body swaying slightly. But when she noticed Noah was leaving, she grazed his back while he did. Noah froze for a moment before shrugged his shoulders, her touch falling from his back.

I quickly looked to Y/N and realized she was watching the two of them over the rim of her cup, usual bright eyes dulled from the alcohol and the sight of Noah with someone else. He never left her vision- even if she thought he did. And she was the same. That shrug was small, but it did its job.

Once out of earshot, I crossed my arm over my chest. “Noah-.”

“Jesse,” he cut me off with my name. “I can’t deal with any more bullshit lectures tonight. Seriously, I’m a grown man.”

“Are you?” I raised a brow while pointing back to the living room. “Because the shit is extremely uncomfortable for all of us. You’re acting like some teen throwing a toy around, waiting for a reaction.”

“That’s fucked up,” Noah’s eyes narrowed.

“Well, am I wrong?” I shot back.

He sighed and I could tell he was tired of it. He was tired of the constant telling him what to do, and what to say; from all of us, but he was so fucking stubborn. Noah had to have been one of the most intense friends I’ve ever encountered. I love him, but, this was even breaking me down mentally.

All I wanted was for my friend, and my new friend to wake the fuck up.

“Look dude,” I sighed while running a hand over my chin. “I won’t say anything. But this is just uncomfortable, please understand that?”

“I do, but it doesn’t have to be. I’m trying to test the waters. I’m sorry for dragging you all into this.”

I patted his shoulder. “We’re here for you man, we know what this is doing to you. We know Baley isn’t where your head’s at. But I have to ask; you already know about Y/N’s condition and why she walked away. What’s the point of this?”

Noah rested his hands on his hips as he stared down at his feet before lifting to meet my gaze. “She won’t talk to me. I mean Y/N talks to me- but she won’t let me in. She doesn’t trust me enough to tell me the truth. And that fucking hurts, Jesse.”

“This isn’t it brother, come on, you’re better than this,” I tried to reason.

“Am I?”

My shoulders fell at the Scorpio's stubbornness. “Yeah, you are and Y/N knows that. She’s distraught out there, Noah.”

“I just need her to tell me herself,” Noah opened his arms wide to the side before they fell, slapping his thighs. The sound bounced off the walls of the hallway. “I need her to need me.”

With a deep sigh, I eventually nodded before wrapping an arm around his shoulder, leading us back into the living room where Noah’s eyes immediately caught Michael and Y/N standing far off in the corner of the room, talking amongst themselves.

It was about to be a fucking zoo soon.

NOAH

I stared at the floor, my shoes, and anywhere that was avoidant to her gaze. I was avoidant of the woman in front of me. She was throwing herself at me, that much I could tell. Angel looked so beautiful, it’s all I could think of. Her beauty was unparalleled, it couldn’t be outshined by anyone.

She was glowing; the trip did wonders for her, and I was happy to see it. I wasn't, however, happy with the situation I was in, Bailey on my left- that was one thing. Michael was telling Y/N a joke, something about Japanese mice, I couldn’t fucking tell.

I was counting to 10, something my therapist, Dr. Poulos suggested I do when I find myself in situations I can't control.

“I don’t see what’s so funny,” I grumbled into the rim of my beer bottle.

“I didn’t say anything funny,” Bailey answered.

A low noise rumbled in my chest as I continued to watch Michael and Y/N. I wasn’t worried about Michael- so why my jaw clenched and my tongue kept moving I wasn’t sure.

No, I fucking knew. I wanted to stand across from her, encasing around her space. I wanted to be the one who told Y/N jokes.

I began twisting my hair with my fingers-a strand was sure to snap off if it didn’t already.

Michael chuckled while glancing at me, noticing my twisted expression. My beer was tight in my hands, I kept fiddling with the paper on the bottle; a distraction is what I kept running into- always a fucking distraction.

Michael lifted his arm to cough into it, a silent way of telling me he knew I knew.

It was innocent; I wasn’t even mad at him. I just yearned for the comfort of Y/N’s laughter directed at me. Bailey chuckled at something I said a little ago but it did nothing- not even an artery moved. I only felt one emotion; guilt.

I stood there thinking it didn’t matter. Y/N was the one I wanted, all I ever wanted but knew I need a fucking miracle.

“Oh, fuck yes!” Malcolm cheered while reading something on his phone, catching all of our attention. “My House is being released tomorrow!”

“Shut the fuck up, really?” Y/N quickly left Michael's side to jump over the couch in between Chase and Malcolm.

I couldn’t help but smile seeing Michael standing there alone.

“I thought the label wanted to wait at least another month,” Chase said.

Malcolm shrugged. “The email said that with the successes of Bad Omens new single, they wanted Hollow Souls to release one.”

“You’re welcome,” Folio raised his beer in the air.

“My House?” Bailey said. “I’m stoked you have a song ready to be released out into the wild already. Damn! What are the chances you and Noah’s band have songs out during the same time, it’s like you wrote it at the same time or something.”

Everyone in the room, besides Bailey, shifted uncomfortably, and I finished my beer in two long gulps.

“I like the title,” I said.

Y/N gave me a curt smile before giving her attention back to Malcolm, who had his phone poised ready to record a video.

“Hey everyone, it’s Malcolm from Hollow Souls. I’m here with some friends.”

He peered the phone towards Chase, who threw up a peace sign, then to Y/N who gave a small wave. “Hi! We just wanted to come on Instagram to let you all know that our new single My House will be released tomorrow night. It’s going to be different from things we’ve released in the past but we’re still so excited for you all to hear it!”

Chase was next to pull out his phone before Y/N’s electric voice began playing through the speaker.

I feel you in these walls. You're a cold air creeping in. Chill me to my bones and skinI heard you down the hall but it's vacant when I'm looking in. Who let you in?

Shit. My entire body and essence became electric upon hearing the new vocal range from Y/N. The rawness of her voice told us everything we needed to know.

“Alright, that’s all the sneak peek you guys get. Listen, tomorrow on Octane at eight to hear the whole thing,” Chase pointed to the screen.

Once they finished their video for Instagram, Bailey was on them before they even had the chance.

“I love the lyrics, Y/N. What’s the meaning behind them?”

I gently grabbed her hand, already having a feeling I knew what this new song was about. “They probably don’t want an interview right now, Bailey.”

“No,” Y/N spoke with confidence. “It’s fine. The song is about taking your life back. When something is toxic and hurting you, you need to let go of it, no matter how hard that can be. Almost like you’re not trapped under that person’s gaze anymore when they judge you when they tell you what you want or what you can and can’t do. It’s about kicking them out. I had help, but it’s been freeing.”

She rested her head against Malcolm's shoulder while linking fingers with Chase.

My eyes immediately locked with hers as I took a deep inhale and then a low exhale. You could almost hear a pin drop it was that quiet.

“Fuck, that’s so good, Y/N! I’m happy for you.”

My hands shook at my sides as Jolly turned his attention towards me, sporting his typical Dad Omens expression.

“Told you,” he mouthed.

Pushing off of the wall, I stalked into the kitchen for another beer; my third one in the last 3 hours. However, I walked right past the fridge to grip the sink, letting my head fall as I let out a shaky breath.

You’re such a dumbass. Always overthinking shit that has nothing to do with you.

I screwed my eyes shut tight, forcing the thoughts out of my mind before they burrowed themselves deep.

Soft footsteps echoed behind me as I felt her familiar presence at my back. “She’s really sweet.”

My face jerked as I winced, still facing the cabinet so she couldn’t see my face. The guilt for once again overthinking a situation that could have easily been fixed with a simple conversation.

“Yeah, she’s okay,” I admitted.

I sucked in a breath as I turned to face her, realizing how close she was. The familiar pull of the string that bound our hearts together glowed brightly. I felt it pulsating deep within my chest.

“Just okay? Where’d you meet her?” She wondered.

I cleared my throat. “The record shop.”

Y/N hummed while gazing up at me through lashes and I hoped she couldn’t hear how loud my heart paced against its cage in my chest.

“What did you think of Nowhere To Go?” I asked in a low voice, fingers itching to reach for her to pull her close, closing the last little of bit empty space between us.

Her jaw ticked, something I noticed right away. “It was fantastic.”

I raised a brow, testing the waters because I wanted to know how she truly felt. “Yeah?”

Y/N’s fingers played with the end of my rosary necklace and I shuddered a breath, not daring to let her know how bad her presence was affecting me.

“Noah, I need to-.”

“Y/N! Salem got stuck in the closet again!” Chase called from the living room causing her to jump back in surprise.

“Uh, shit. I should go,” She threw a thumb over a shoulder, a red hue covering her face.

I nodded. “Ye-yea. Sure.”

There was only one thing on my mind as I watched her retreat into the living room.

What the fuck was she going to say?

NOAH

We all piled into the studio, waiting patiently for eight pm. Orie, Michael, and Jolly were taking up space on the couch in the room while both Nicks sat on the floor, playing some card game. I was too preoccupied to care. Jesse sat with me at the computer, watching me as I almost counted down the minutes. My knee bounced with anticipation. We spent the entire day recording our next song, hoping to have it released within the next few months. My phone blew up with texts from Bailey but I ignored each one of them, not wanting the distraction.

Jesse smirked while eating a bag of chips. “Excited?”

I threw him a sideways glance. “Fuck off. Feelings aside for her, this is big for Hollow Souls. It's their first song without what’s his face. It could make or break them, but we know it’ll fucking make them.

“Shit, Noah!” Nick all but yelled. “It’s eight! Turn it on.”

Quickly turning to Octane, we heard the DJ’s voice blare through the speakers in the room.

“Alright, are you guys ready for some new music? This comes from LA’s own Hollow Souls; which became a three some recently. A lot of fans were upset with the departure of Trey but unlike those fans, I’m fucking stoked to hear this new direction they’re going. Here is My House!”

“I feel you in these walls. You're a cold air creeping in. Chill me to my bones and skin. I heard you down the hall. But it's vacant when I'm looking in. Who let you in?

Once again, Y/N’s voice brought chills all over my body and I leaned forward to rest my elbow on the desk in front of me.

“Never thought that I would feel like this. Such a mess when I'm in your presence. I've had enough, I think you've been making me sick. Gotta get you out of my system. It's my house and I think it's time to get out. It's my soul. It isn't yours anymore. It's my house and I think it's time to get out. Yeah, I think it's time to get out.”

I danced in my seat to the music; the drums resonating deep in my bones. I knew Hollow Souls were worried about the change in the band, instrumental-wise since Y/N was taking guitar lessons from their guitar tech. But since she wasn't quite ready for the release of this song, their guitar tech filled in. Regardless, it was fucking perfect.

“You walk around I can hear your pace. Circling my bed frame. Now we're face to face. Head on my pillowcase. But darling, you can't stay.”

“Don’t even try to overthink that line, Noah!” Jolly spoke from behind me. “It’s clearly about Trey.”

I flipped him the middle finger, not letting his words wipe the proud smile off my face.

“Haven't you heard? I'm not yours anymore. I'm not yours anymore. It's my soul, and I think it's time to get out. Haven't you heard? I'm not yours anymore. I'm not yours anymore. It’s my house.”

“That’s my angel,” I rested my chin in my palm, still sporting the brightest and widest smile.

I was so engrossed at the end of the song that I didn’t catch the shared look between Jolly and Jesse, them each sporting their own smiles.

My fingers worked fast to type out the new message.

ME: Hey, that song is great! angel, see!? What the hell were you even worried about. You are the heart of the band, I knew you and the guys would kill it!

Y/N's response was almost immediate, and I couldn't help but wonder if she was waiting for me to text her.

Angel 🪽: Thank you, mochi. That means a lot coming from you. 🖤

ME: Always.

For the next few minutes, I chatted with the guys as we thought about ways to make our next single a step head of Nowhere To Go. But I couldn't stop staring at my phone, needing to talk to her again.

ME: Hey again

Angel 🪽: lol hi again.

ME: Just really wanted to say I’m proud of you, Angel. I’m glad I saw you last night.

Angel 🪽: Thank you, mochi. Again! Truly. Always a pleasure seeing your face.

I stared at that reply for what felt like minutes. She was tiptoeing around me, and this time it was my fault. I think I’m fucking this up.

[captainzigo]

i believe i am being transparent, but i want to make this post to be crystal clear. (also this is not @ anyone just fyi) i am not doing commissions right now. i am taking requests, and i am taking donations, and your donation heavily influences if i do your request or not, but i am not doing commissions right now.

commissions imply things i am not capable of offering at the moment. mainly promises of timeframe, control over the finished work, and potential ownership of the finished work. there’s other things but those are the big ones. you are not buying a good or service from me. you are making a donation and i am doing you a favor as a result.

this may change in the future! the amount people that have been willing to donate, sometimes with no expectation of anything in return, has been very promising. right now tho i work full time, and i am not in a super secure place. when i get more confident and reliable in my art, and more secure in my life, i will consider it. so far tho i have had an apparently perfect satisfaction rate for both me and my donors. which is a great situation for me to be in now.

currently my minimum donation is only $5 although that is subject to change.

and by making a request, with a donation or otherwise, you aren’t getting things like a guarantee of quality or effort, a timeframe, control over the work, ownership of the final product, and so on. if you are interested in one or more of those things, here are some of my friends with commissions open at the time of posting. they each do ponies, but they also do other things

this is just who I remembered off the top of my head. If you’re a mutual, and you have commissions open, let me know i’ll add you

[bumblebeeappletree]

For those who enjoy cottagecore, please read what I have to say.

As you may or may not know, cottagecore has stemmed from colonist ideals, is racist, and has ties to tradwives. However I will not go in depth on it as it has already been talked about in a few articles and some posts on tumblr. The articles are here, here, here, and here. The tumblr posts can be found here, here, here, here, and here. However I say this person, Zoe Bee, has done a really good job on her video here as she summed up everything I already linked before.

I will say this article came out more recently if you wanted something newer about tradwives.

In this current day and age it’s understandable to want what cottagecore promotes with its aesthetic. Beautiful flowers as far as the eye can see, a garden you tailored yourself that you like specifically, billowing dresses, cute animals that provide you eggs and milk, and so on. Especially having your own house is very appealing at a time where it’s unattainable for many people. But going out where you’re isolated from everyone, with just yourself and your animals, is not the answer. Going out to land that once belonged to indigenous people who have not been able to go back home is not the answer. Continuing to think of ideals of the past is not the answer.

Instead what we can do is transform cities to be more green, safe for people, and work with the environment around it. This is the answer. To move forward. To think of the future and create it.

One of the first things we should do is improve accessibility. As you know not everyone can walk, see, or hear as a few examples. Having better public transportation is important to ensure everyone is able to get to where they need to. As it stands being in a city, not everyone has enough spoons, or ability, to walk where they can go. Trains are very popular, especially when it comes to going to other cities or towns. However when it comes to North America compared to Europe it’s not as widespread. Trams (or streetcars or trolleys if you’re from North America) are also a wonderful example. We must be able to ensure that entryways are large enough for even the biggest set of wheelchairs to go through. Ramps for easy access are important as well as wheelchairs cannot simply “step up” into vehicles. And this is not just for wheelchairs, it would be good for parents who are taking their baby or small child around in a stroller. There’s also those who use walkers, people with wheeled luggage, carts and so forth.

But most importantly, it is vital for people with disabilities to be part of the designing process of a city, to ensure that their voices are heard and to ensure they take part in that everyday easy access that most abled people already enjoy. Like Braille, audio description, large print, and subtitles as a ready option that’s there from the get go.

Another thing with more access to public transportation, people would need cars less and less. And should they need to go somewhere a train or tram cannot, buses are still options. However with fewer cars, the roads would be used less. Parking lots would be smaller. We could a: make roads and parking lots smaller; b: take out roads and parking lots completely; c: transform roads and parking lots into community spaces; or d: do a mixture of all of the above. Some roads could turn back into the wild environment that existed there before, while we could turn parking lots into more parks. Streets could be like they were before cars became mainstream, where street vendors would sell their wares, where children would play games, and anyone would hang out. Parking lots could become a space for events like farmer’s markets or a place to shoot off fireworks. Or even instead of parks in place of parking lots, it could be transformed into a community garden.

When it comes to housing, apartment complexes are where we should go in cities. To keep from city sprawl, we can go up. We can transform rooftops to community gardens, water harvesting spaces, solar panel spaces, or a community space.

However in some spaces, like in the suburbs, or even some spaces where there are houses in a neighborhood in a city, we can turn them into “pockethoods”. We can turn a neighborhood into a village. In the city we could have tiny houses on the same plot of land one house would typically be on. In a regular neighborhood, picture a series of houses without fencing and the series of backyards turn into a common area.

We can plant more trees alongside sidewalks, both fruit producing and pollen producing, more fruit bearing than pollen bearing, to help keep the allergies down and to keep a variety of plants. We can plant native species in cities, and we can have non-natives in our community gardens, or even inside city farms, for both practical use, such as eating or creating fibers, or enjoyment, like flowers to cut into bouquets. We can create rain gardens to help collect rainwater to put back into our water table.

I know that cottagecore lovers love the idea of going out into the country and perhaps finding a community there, but the cities are here, we’ve been here. It’s people’s homes, their lives. Cities have been around for such a long time, one of the most well known oldest city is Mesopotamia’s Babylon. (Very famous for their hanging gardens I might add.) Most importantly it can be done. Even now we can go talk to neighbors, go to events others are holding, or even create our own events, create a big pot of food to share with others, and have community. We can make a difference and we can have that sense of love. We just need to band together, demand change, and create our change. It can be hard, yes, but it will be so rewarding. This, you might find yourself doing, is something that aligns more with Solarpunk. Something that people look to strive for a brighter future for everyone.

Thank you.

(And thank you so much @cwicseolfor for helping me edit this TT^TT)