#i know too many people with chronic pain it is ABSOLUTELY disabling

[crwatters]

Any time I see someone say chronic pain isn't a disability I want to commut MURDER

[fletchingbrilliant]

🌙some wildly cheap commissions!🌙

🙃 for some even wilder reasons 🙃

hey y'all. long post thingie but it's got cute pictures so please check it out

TRANSCRIPT OF POST

hey frens got something kinda somber to talk about. most of you are very aware of the existence of my beautiful fiance and co-creator of basically everything i do. zae and i are getting handfasted (marriage for pagans) in october, and have been living together for about 10 years. in 2021, zae got really fucking sick, and after a few false starts, was diagnosed with a rare for of vasculitis called granulomatosis with polyangiitis, GPA for short. it’s an autoimmune disease that causes inflammation in blood vessels and other tissues, ultimately stopping blood from getting to the parts of the body that need it, affecting many areas, but primarily the respiratory system. while the cause isn’t known, it usually presents in people in their 50’s or 60’s, but complications from a third bout of covid-19 appears to have made it emerge way earlier for our boy. at least, that’s what we think. his case is extremely aggressive, advancing faster than anyone could have expected. in zae’s case, it actually attacked his kidneys first, and then went after his lungs, causing both to threaten shutting down for good. he was extremely anemic and needed a ton of transfusions, narrowly avoiding dialysis, and we spent weeks in the hospital keeping him alive. he was placed on two different kinds of chemotherapy to combat the disorder. he lost his hair, went through even more fatigue and pain on top of what the disease had already put him through, and had to accept a plethora of changes to his life that will last forever. a lot of you out there have harrowing experiences of your own when it comes to chronic and potentially terminal conditions, too, I’m certain. “it’s not fun” is an understatement. though there were a couple of really fucking close calls, zae’s GPA went into remission. his hair grew back fuller and more luscious than it had ever been before. (i later learned these are affectionately referred to as “chemo curls.”) remission for gpa is usually expected to last at least 5 years, potentially up to 20, before any symptoms resurface. but zae’s case was particularly aggressive, so of course he’s not so lucky. he’s relapsing now. his symptoms have been slowly returning, and it’s been decided that he’s going back on chemo. it’s no surprise that this shit is expensive, even with insurance. we’re still paying off the care he received last time because ‘murca. being disabled myself, work has been… let’s call it inconsistent, yeah? yeah, that’s a nice and comfortable thing to call it. no one’s doing well financially these days, so we of course have to get creative. long story short(er), i’m doing a commission special! for the next MONTH, i am offering fast commissions at crazy-low prices to try and help us create a cushion to keep us afloat and relatively comfortable while we begin the chemo process again. there’s several options for a variety of budgets, because i really hate the idea of seeking something for nothing, and i absolutely abhor having to reach out in this way. it makes me feel vulnerable and icky and… i’m sure you all understand that, too. i can’t thank you all enough just for following me, and engaging with mine and zae’s work. it may sound trite, but that really makes a difference to us, especially when we’re dealing with something so painful. so if you can’t or don’t want to partake of the sale, please know that you are still a huge help to us, and we seriously appreciate each and every one of you. like, so fucking much. thanks y’all love, fletch

END TRANSCRIPT

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[puckpocketed]

i just hate when players do this and people call them “warriors” i know you wanna play in the playoffs to help your team but YOUR FINGERS ARE LITERALLY BROKEN MY GUY THEY COULD NEVER GROW BACK TOGETHER THE RIGHT WAY im crying

my poor cringefail wifes i love them all so much i hope they all take the rest they need

GOD I hope they get rest too :((

breaking soooo much character right now to give my fullest take, and it’s that we can hold multiple ideas in our minds and i don’t think they conflict

playing through injuries is terrible.

They are whole adult human beings and professional athletes who have resources to keep them informed about long term consequences, and they still get to make those choices even if we hate the choices they make. Even if those choices drastically reduce the length of their career. Even if those choices end with long term heath complications.

i might lose some people on this one but i don’t care!! it’s what I believe: being disabled or chronically ill/injured/in pain is not a death sentence. it is not the worst thing in the world. people live full and happy lives whilst also being disabled. can it suck for the person living through it? yes. absolutely. but to me, people are not and never will be defined by how able-bodied they are!!!

All of this is true (to me) and also we can still condemn the circumstances that cause them to make these choices. (culture of not wanting to be seen as soft, the normalisation/valorisation of playing through injury, all the other [gestures wildly] forces at play that set athletes up to make these decisions) Like i’m sorry to get political but choices do not exist in vacuums. sports does not exist separated from hegemonic models of masculinity or capitalism. there are so so so many reasons a player might choose to harm themselves by playing through injury and not all of them are noble or valid, some of them are stupid and informed by bullshit!!! and we should be mad at that bullshit!! because it’s awful!!!!

these are their jobs, and i’m talking in the sense that they are performing labour and i think labour laws and workplace health and safety must apply here too. I think we have to start talking about these things in terms of workers rights, in amongst all of the compassion we have for them as players. there’s the pressure to perform due to contract status and salary bonus milestones; there’s team doctors having direct conflicts of interest, a monetary and cultural incentive to look the other way when clearing people to play; there’s the plain fact of the best possible safety equipment (cages/bowls, neck guards, cut resistant protective gear) not being mandatory; the blatant denial of CTE coming from the league itself. there’s a lot. and it’s a workers rights issue, not just a moral one. someone will play through xyz because of the culture, because of the pressure, and they will die from it.

EVEN STILL. there is beauty and narrative resonance and something compelling about it all, and I don’t want to deny that. as someone looking from the outside in, sports captures people’s hearts because of these narratives. sacrifice and teamwork and triumph — we have an appetite for these things. I am never going to sit here and deny that I feel compelled by it (which is simultaneous to the anger, the fear, the deep deep well of “i’m sorry you have feel you have to do this”) This appetite I/we as a society have for pain — unpacking it and addressing it is a whole other conversation and I am not qualified to have it. I’m just going to acknowledge it exists because I think pretending it doesn’t would be dishonest of me.

we are allowed to feel fucked up about all of this. call it parasocial, call it entitled, call it inappropriate, i don’t know!! we are people and knowing other people are in pain tends to fuck us up — and as much as I try to keep a healthy distance from these celebrities, as much as I remind myself they’re strangers, I care when they’re hurt because I’m human.

anyway. YES OUR POOR CRINGEFAIL WIVES 😭🤲

[lizzydizzyyo]

I think what's really compelling about House's absolute unwillingness to bow down to anything or anyone (the ethical board, the law, extra rich CEO, vindictive police officer, and even the patients themselves) regardless of how absolutely batshit and downright illegal his actions are, is because it's coming from a chronically disabled person, in more ways than one.

He cannot walk without agony or his cane. His chronic and severe pain led him down the path of deep Vicodin addiction until he also becomes psychologically dependent on it too (once, Dr Cuddy gives him saline placebo and it "works", in that he is not feeling his leg pain anymore for a few hours).

He understands it deeply just how desperate people can be when they're in pain and nobody can (or are willing to) help them—at least, so far, until they land on his doorstep. Which is canonically the most extreme step patients take when everything else fails—you don't just go straight to Plainsborough Teaching Hospital and to Dr Gregory House MD's office; you have to go through dozens of other doctors in various specialties and failed treatments too.

(Although that's a separate discussion about how doctors, particularly resident ones, are overworked and underpaid and redtaped by shithead insurance companies even if they do know how to treat a patient and want to).

He knows, from the bottom of his heart, that having such a painful and life-limitting debilitating condition is comparable to hell on earth, because he has one. He knows, that despite his disability being visible to everyone, yet no one wants to put an effort to help him deal with it—is also hell on earth.

Cuddy simply throws money at him and turns the other way to his Vicodin abuse, like she is saying, "I don't care if he takes 10 Vicodin pills a day or more, and I have to pay at least $1M every year for lawsuits, as long as he gets the job done," (and when they decide to go into relationship, she immediately drops him when he relapses, even if the reason for his relapse is her—although, yes, there is another discussion to be had about keeping yourself and your child(ren) safe being a priority compared to helping an addict, recovering or not). Wilson, as loyal as he is to House, simply either enables him or lectures him without going into the root of the issue and thoroughly help House that way. His subordinates, especially after the original trio, are simply too scared, too ignorant, or too ambitious to even approach the issue and choose to keep their job than help House (also another discussion to be had about how you can't help people who don't want to help themselves and so on).

So when he sees a patient who has gone through hell trying to get a correct diagnosis and treatment, he becomes laser-focused on doing everything under the sun to get to the bottom of it and cure the patient. He doesn't care if he has to break into countless of houses (haha pun) and collect insane and probably biohazard samples to do it—he absolutely will, no question.

Yes, hate-criming and being a bigot is his favorite hobby (still livid at the asexual ep and the production's choice for the resolution, let's just say I still have beef with Hugh Laurie and the entire production team for it), and so is insulting patients in so many ways that Shakespeare would personally fly to New Jersey and shake his hands if someone manage to successfully perform necromancy on ol' Billy boy. But House is no one if not dedicated. "Yes, my patient is an idiot, everyone is an idiot too, but I WILL cure their condition like my life depends on it," is basically his middle name.

Besides, you can make the argument that he is more compassionate than all the other doctors around him, because despite his absolute disdain towards some of his patients' beliefs and stupidity, he still works his ass off to treat them. He will call your god an idiot in 7 different languages while putting you in a diagnostic machine he manipulated the whole hospital into letting him use so that you could get a test which weren't available to you before. He will tell you that your currently-happy marriage will end in a bloody divorce and your ex will leave you penniless so love is not real while injecting you with a medication he had to hack the CDC's database for.

There are even episodes that show him being truly earnest, like the clinic duty scene where he is snarky as usual to a girl who seemingly stupidly had unprotected sex until she lashes out, and House is like, "Oh shit, this is above my paygrade", and immediately goes to Cuddy with a very serious expression and no sarcastic dilly-daliying, demanding her to transfer the patient to someone else because he is not good with "curing" rape case (interesting choice on the writers' part to make the patient insist to have therapy with House, though).

There is an episode about a very workaholic woman executive in a fashion company who has tremor and partial paralysis, and later on it's shown that she seems to tie her worth as a person to her corporate success while band-aiding her deep psychological issue like her suicidal ideation, and House genuinely asks her, "Do you want to live? I cannot help you unless you want me to," or something along the line.

There is also the cursed 9-year-old terminal brain cancer episode where Chase kissed the patient (ew), where at first it shows House being a usual misanthophe to Wilson and saying, "She is not brave, it's the brain tumor clot talking because it must be near the amygdala." Later in the episode, House sits near the patient alone, and compassionately asks her if she even wants to live, going through the rest of her short-lived but horrible agony, even if they catch the clot. The surgery to find and get rid of the clot is risky and can debilitate her even more, and this is why House is laying the decision to her hands. That she gets to choose. This is what truly reveals to him that she is genuinely brave (aside from the scan showing the clot to be so far away from her amygdala), but for the wrong reason. She is brave for her mom, willing to go through horrible surgery and drag out her already painful cancer-ridden life because, "My mom needs me". When everyone is congratulating her in the end, you can tell House has a bittersweet expression of both awe towards her bravery, and sadness that this 9-year-old sick girl has to bear the brunt of her horrible pain just so that her mother is not sad. That he couldn't convince her to be a child until the nearing end of her life.

The most interesting evidence of his compassion to me is the gunman hostage episode. It might sound weird because in the whole episode, he is depicted to first want to outsmart the gunman patient, then becomes laser-focused but only because he sees it as a puzzle, then absolutely selfish and dangerous because he volunteers himself as the last hostage and gives the gun back to the guy after the MRI. I do think it's true that his dedication to solving patients-are-just-puzzle-to-me conditions shines through in the episode, especially the scene of him returning his gun, but there is something else I catch when I rewatched it before.

When the gunman patient is put in the MRI because Cameron tells him a theory through the hostage call, the remaining doctors in the room including House are wary at the gunman but also hopeful. Yet, when the result shows up on the screen, he realizes that the theory is wrong and the guy let go his only bargaining chip for nothing. If you watch this part carefully, you'll notice that House actually looks pitying and sad at the gunman's disappointed demeanor and expression. He realizes he is going to be another notch in the guy's failed doctors list, and at this point (with the gun given away and even the best, most talented doctor also not finding out what's wrong with him), the guy has given up hope that he will ever see the day he will be cured, certainly not behind the bars.

Yes, his thirst for puzzle is House's big driving force in giving back the gun, but you'll be lying to yourself if you don't notice House's compassion for the guy because he doesn't want the guy to go out empty-handed, with absolutely no more hope because House knows once they step out of the door, this guy will never, ever be allowed to be in the vicinity of any hospital or doctor ever again in his life, aside from jail's bare-minimum exams and medications. House can't handle the thought of putting someone else through his own disappointment—that nothing works to help his leg pain. He especially doesn't want to be the cause for this gunman guy's case either. Even in the end when House realizes the guy is a fucking moron because he doesn't know that Florida is, in fact, in earthwide-horizontal tropical zone and this is what stumps most of the guy's previous doctors—House still gives him a subtle salute to the guy while being handcuffed and led away, almost to say, "Enjoy your healing and the defeat of your arch nemesis The Sickness™, glad to be part of it."

Majority of his drive to stop at nothing until his patient is cured is definitely thanks to his own fucked-up leg, even if there are some dialogues with Cuddy and Stacy Warner (House's ex wife) that seem to imply he has always been a misanthrophe whose hobby is getting into malpractice (or general) lawsuits. I wholeheartedly believe that after his leg clot rendered him disabled and with chronic pain, he became much more dedicated and obsessed with getting to the bottom of a patient's medical information, even for info that seems innocuous or irrelevant that always turn out to be important (probably more like a plot armor than established characterization, to be honest), almost like this is his method of relating to the patients in his own weirdly human way, and maybe a little bit (actually, a lot) of projecting.

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

[tavyliasin]

Disability Pride Essays - Gale, Neurodivergency, and Chronic Illnesses

The third of the disability parallel essays is going to focus on everyone’s favourite wizard, the legend of Waterdeep, Gale Dekarios. Immediately I can hear the neurodivergent (ND) side of fandom sitting up and pointing at the screen: “He’s like me!” and you’re absolutely right, but there is even more to him than this too! Gale can arguably represent several chronic physical conditions as well as being the chosen of the god of Autism. Sorry, god of Magic. Both? It’s probably both, isn’t it…

So with this in mind we will be discussing neurodiversity as well as long term chronic conditions and “spoon theory” (don’t worry if you don’t know what that is yet, we’re going to go over it along with “spell slot theory” in a way that might help abled people understand how many of us manage long term illness). I may also touch on the plot point around the Orb and Gale’s fluctuating relationship with his will to live, as well as the desperation to find a cure - so please be aware that if these are things you may find to be triggering. As always, look after yourselves and each other first and foremost. And, of course, your input and thoughts on these topics are more than welcome!

What is Gale’s Disability?

Gale has several conditions that we can see affecting him in the game. Whilst “armchair diagnosis” of real people can be a harmful exercise, and not something we would usually encourage, when we look at him and his behaviours it is easy to see a lot of traits common in Neurodivergent people. So this can mean Autism Spectrum Disorders as well as ADD/ADHD traits, though as anyone with either (or both) diagnosis will likely tell you, these can vary wildly from person to person. The same diagnosis can present completely differently between two people, so we will be looking at specific traits rather than an overall diagnosis for Gale. A more subtle thing shown with Gale is some joint pain, stiffness - he will complain about his knees aching when rain is due, and generally casually describes a lot of aches and pains that are common with ageing as well as in chronic conditions that affect joints. This is potentially easily missed as it’s in just a few lines of dialogue here and there and some background conversation, but we can see it sometimes too in how he moves and reacts. And then, of course, there is the Netherese Orb… One not quite so fun little fact here too is that in the real world there can be a lot of overlap between chronic pain conditions and neurodiversity. Not necessarily causative, and there’s no strongly established link that I’m aware of, but it isn’t uncommon at all to come across in disabled and ND communities. I’m sure more research can be done into specific genetic conditions that may have a stronger and potentially causative link to them, but that would be going too far down the wrong rabbithole for now. Did I mention I have ADHD? What do you mean “obviously”?...

How Do We See The Disability In The Game?

With Neurodiversity, a lot of the “problem” from the condition does not actually come from the person themselves but in how the world and people around them react to them and their behaviours. We can see this in the player base, where some people just cannot stand Gale’s infodumping or talking in depth about his special interests in magic, or how they find some of his personality and interactions to be more frustrating than endearing. There’s also how he was treated by Mystra - if we remove the relationship and abusive part of that for now, he went from being a gifted student, a prodigy in his field, to being rejected and cut loose from that validation.

Plenty of players found they disliked Gale, that his romantic advances and compliments to them were unwelcome and “too much”. In terms of Neurodiversity, Gale is expressing himself relatively openly with his feelings, and could potentially be seen as attaching to the player on a deeper level as a “favourite person” which can be a trait for some. Of course this was changed in the game to a degree after some backlash from those who weren’t keen on him expressing romantic interest after very little interaction, but not all of that is gone from his interactions or the speed with which he forms a strong attachment to someone he trusts. Then there is his “specialised diet”, which in this case is that need to consume magic objects. Honestly there are several ways we can look at this one. From a more literal point of view, we can consider him as literally eating the items like a food source which might be akin to people desiring to eat non-food items. It could also be similar to having “safe foods” which are things that have familiar flavours and textures. However the theory I find most interesting around the “consumption” of magic items is thinking of it more as medicinal.

Either way, Gale needs regular “doses” of the “cure” to stave off some very visceral symptoms. We not only see the relief when he is able to take the “cure” by consuming the item, but we also see the pain and struggle if too much time is left between “doses”. It’s shown in his character model, how he holds himself, you can hear it in his voice breaking as he’s overwhelmed by the symptoms of the Karsite Weave trying to eat away at him. If he doesn’t find any help from the player, too, he will simply leave to find his own solution. There isn’t a choice to just “ignore it and it will go away” - much like any serious illness it needs to be treated or it will get worse.

How Does This Reflect Real Life?

The real life reflections of Neurodivergency are quite easy to see for those of us familiar with those feelings and behaviour patterns. I could spend a while going over them, but then in my experience the fans who are deep enough into the fandom to be reading an essay of this length dissecting the character and the nuances of him…well, if you’re still reading and you’re neurotypical then I will be a little surprised. I mean this in a lighthearted way, of course, I’m sure there are a good number of neurotypical fans and those interested in this kind of topic (in fact it would be lovely for more NT people to spend a little time listening and learning when possible) but there is a very strong correlation between those of us who are ND and having a hyperfixation on one topic. A little like Gale’s hyperfixation on magic and learning everything about it, even to his detriment. It’s a special interest - he could never be satisfied just knowing most things about magic, he needed to know everything. That’s how he ended up in the situation with the Netherese Orb - he found a problem and became quite fixated and determined to solve it. That’s what problems are for, after all, to be solved. And he did it all with good intention, hope, and unfortunately without thinking through the greater consequences either. The single-minded devotion to a task, without seeing the bigger picture, can be a boon as much as it is a curse to ND people. The pain is also one that will feel familiar to people in the real world - whether through age or chronic conditions, this can often be affected by things like the weather and changes in temperature and air pressure. We need more rest, we complain casually, we make small pained noises when we move, and we adjust our actions to fit our needs. In some ways, we could see Gale’s need for magical items to stave off the condition the Orb gives him is like a need for insulin or similar long term medicines. It’s not optional and the consequences of putting it off - or avoiding it entirely - can be dangerous or even deadly. The way he feels around the outcome there could also be similar. Whilst in the real world someone isn’t going to just explode and take out a 10 mile radius with them if they don’t get their medication in time, if they were to pass away then the loss would be felt keenly amongst those around them, leaving an impact on their loved ones. 

Neurodiversity

There is just so much we can say about neurodiversity, but rather than dissecting it piece by piece I think it might be better to take this opportunity to reflect on how meaningful and validating it can be to see these traits in characters we love. These aren’t things that are shown to be flaws or undesirable, simply a part of the entire personality of the character - connecting can really just be, well, validating. That’s the thing with representation. It’s not about making a huge fanfare over every little thing, it’s integrating characters and character traits naturally and treating them normally - the way that we would rather like it if the real world around us might do. It’s also a way to learn to love ourselves through the love of the character - to think something like “I adore listening to him ramble on about his favourite topic” and perhaps feel a little less self-conscious when we ourselves talk more in depth over a hyperfixation or special interest. Something like, oh I don’t know, writing a long series of essays about subtle disability representation in a popular video game…

Chronic Illness and Spell Slots

This is where it gets interesting with the comparison to game mechanics. An old theory that people have used to describe the long term impact of chronic illness is “spoon theory”. Spoon Theory was a way that a chronically ill person described their energy levels to a friend to help them understand more clearly how we have different limits. So the idea is at the start of a day, you have a certain amount of “spoons”. Every task in the day requires one of these spoons to be used - that might be going to the shop to buy food, taking a shower, going to work, socialising with someone, making an important phone call, or even something as simple as getting dressed. You have to be careful where you use those spoons, because once they’re all gone, that’s it. No more. You can’t just get more from nowhere, and if you try to borrow one of tomorrow’s spoons you’ll have even less for that next day. A newer and far more accurate comparison, at least in my opinion, is spell slots. So different tasks are like different spells, and might take a certain level of spell slot to complete.

Easy tasks we can repeat a lot without trouble, like perhaps talking to a friend online or taking a nap, those are like cantrips. We can do them whenever we need to. Small tasks might be a level 1 or 2 spell slot, which we have more of, but a large task that is very tiring and/or causes a lot of pain need a level 5 spell slot. And there’s the trick - you can spend your level 5 slot on a lower level task, potentially doing more than you might usually do with that task, but you can’t spend a level 2 slot on a level 5 task. 

There’s no way to refresh those spell slots without adequate rest, too. In the tabletop version of D&D if you’re suffering levels of exhaustion or don’t get the right amount of uninterrupted rest, you won’t get back all of your spell slots. Which is quite accurate to real life, where not getting what you need means you may not be fully refreshed and replenished for the new day either. 

When we talk about chronic illness too, depending on the person there might well be things that would be cantrips for other people - things that don’t feel like they expend any real energy at all to do - which take a whole spell slot for us. Having a shower might make an abled person feel refreshed and energised, but someone with a chronic illness might instead feel drained and tired after expending that energy. This can apply to both physical tasks and mental or social energy too. People who are introverted will likely understand when I say that for some of us it takes away our energy to socialise with others and we need time alone doing our own thing to recover some of that. Extroverts might find this strange, as they more often feel like a positive social interaction is energising to them and gives them a real boost.

So there you have it, spell slots! A way that might make it easier to explain how tasks take energy, and how we’re simply not able to conjure more energy out of thin air.

The Cure and The Desperation

I’ll preface this section straight away with a very simple part - most neurodiversity neither wants nor needs a cure. What’s needed is understanding and adaptation, patience and compassion to work with what the individual needs in order to succeed. Child has a special interest? Let them indulge that passion and learn all they can about it, that might become their career or long term hobby later in life and bring them a great deal of happiness and satisfaction. This section, when we’re talking about a cure, it’s for those chronic conditions that cause suffering. The parallel being how Gale researches and is willing to trade anything to end the agony that the Orb causes him. He’s ready to throw his whole life away because the torment is too much, until another option becomes available. Even when there are other choices, he��s still willing to detonate, potentially because he feels he has become a hindrance or a burden to those he loves. This…honestly this is something that those with complex and/or long term care needs can struggle with. It is hard not to feel like a burden when you need someone else to take care of menial every day tasks on your behalf, or need to keep asking for aid from those around you.  That’s where the right support is absolutely vital. In those lower times, to remember in ourselves and sometimes to hear from others that they choose to care for us and that there is more we bring to the world. That our worth is not tied to what we can and cannot do, but instead in who we are and what our presence means to those who love us as we are.

It’s something we don’t always talk about, even within disabled communities, because these are deep and difficult feelings within ourselves and we don’t want to inadvertently cause more upset in those who are struggling or have been affected by loss of this kind. So to see that reflected too, the sorrow, the struggle, those very heartfelt and genuine conversations with Gale as he weighs up his options…that’s important to recognise too. Particularly for abled people to try to understand the depth and complexity of our feelings around the exhaustion of dealing with an illness that never goes away - we want to live, but sometimes we feel the weight of that struggle burying the will to keep fighting it. Even if the condition itself is stable, not degenerative, and not deadly, it is still a burden to ourselves. 

What We Can Learn From Gale’s Story

Gale’s parallels to disability are complex, but there’s a lot worth learning from it. Whether it is about fully loving someone’s eccentricities and neurodivergent traits, or learning to understand chronic health through the lens of spell slots, it’s important to know more about ourselves and those around us. For Gale, I see so much of people finding him to be a comfort - “he’s like me”, “I can relate to him” - and that’s what we need. Of course not every person playing the game will feel a connection to him, or even like him as a character, but he is there and to a lot of us he has been an important and meaningful influence through his story. We can also look at the different ways his story can end - several options all quite drastically removed from each other. The ambition is a cautionary tale, the temptation of a “simple fix” is another when the crown can arguably lead to worse endings either under Mystra or losing sight of the better parts of himself beneath the allure of power and godhood. I could probably ramble on for another thousand or so words, but I’ll leave it here for now, with that reflection on everything he can mean to different people and disabilities.

Remember to be kind to yourself, and allow proper recovery of your spell slots before you try to spend levels you don’t have available.

[fuck-your-proana-blog]

Fellow disabled people/in recovery people/suicidal people, please avoid interaction with @skylarthethompson .

I tried to kill myself last year because of my ED and chronic pain. I was in a coma for 2 days, in the hospital for 2 weeks, and am still suffering the after affects of the damage the 3 months worth of pills I swallowed did to my brain and body, and I'm still struggling with suicidal thoughts due to my many physical and mental illnesses. I just hope me exposing this cruel human will keep them from hurting anyone else who is also struggling.

Telling someone they have nothing to live for is so fucking beyond ok and I just want to warn anyone else who is suffering from chronic pain/illnesses/disabilities and mental illnesses/suicidal ideation that this person is a cruel and insensitive troll and to not let them rent space in your mind.

I reported them; anyone else who sees this please report this despicable behavior so they don't do any further damage to the mentally ill/chronically ill community here on Tumblr.

The first comment is clearly suicide baiting, and I guess they realized that and tried to seem a little less depraved; but you can't undo saying shit like this:

Also, take a look at the victim mentality at work here: "you're a smart smart nice person and I'm a dumb dumb mean person." 🙄.

And then there's the fake "do-gooder" story. So telling a very disabled person that their life isn't worth living is helping, and "a good coping mechanism"?? Anyone with half a braincell can tell you're just trying to seem less like an asshole when you've been exposed as one. Nice try to not seem like an absolute garbage person; but it didn't work.

And this selfishness: "I don't feel safe now! I don't want my virtual life ruined! I don't want gross people telling me horrible insults when my mental health can't take it!" Funny, because I didn't want your gross opinion on why I should just kill myself because my life is too miserable to be worth living with all my mental and physical illnesses. Nice ableism you got there. Also I didn't ask anyone to send you "horrible insults." I just asked my followers to avoid and report you for suicide baiting; which is a very severe problem on the internet that no one deserves; least of all mentally and physically disabled people like me and many of my followers.

"Please don't ruin my life over this!" If you say things online that you don't want everyone to see, that you can come to acknowledge are the actions of an asshole, that's your problem. Don't tell people they should just give up and kill themselves if you don't want people to see how heartless you are. If your life is "ruined" by something you said you have no one to blame but yourself.🤷

And of course the classic "I reported your post; I won't let you ruin my Tumblr life." ...are you even serious? You wrote those words; all I did was take screenshots and show them to my followers so they don't become victims of your harassment themselves- not everyone has the great support system I do, so they deserve a warning about people like you. Plus I said nothing wrong, I just told you that telling people to kill themselves is fucked up and made a post exposing your cruelty so you couldn't harm others who struggle like I do. If your "Tumblr life" gets "ruined" from this, your have no one to blame but yourself because all I did was post the words you put on my posts. I don't give a shit that you're "only 18;" you're still an adult and should know better than to tell strangers on the internet that their lives are so horrible they should just kill themselves.. also if you were actually "sorry" you wouldn't have said more cruel things after your oh-so-sincere apology.

There were even more responses they made saying they were going to kill themselves and it was my fault because I posted things they publicly said on a public platform, telling me they were going to Livestream their suicide and publicly blame me for their death, etc. (I reported those comments to Tumblr for a suicide threat but didn't get screenshots before they were deleted.) You can look at the amount of notes on said posts; this one has 27 replies with only 2 from me so they were harassing me all day with 25 comments while I went to some of my many appointments, so obviously I didn't get screenshots of them all, but the ones I did screenshot are more than enough proof that this person who told me I should just die and was trying to blame me for their mental state; saying I was guilty of something THEY actually did to ME, and that if they killed themselves it would be my fault... For simply making a post telling vulnerable people to be aware of them and their disgusting behavior because no one deserves to be told their life isn't worth living; especially when they've been fighting with those thoughts in their own mind for years and don't need some asshole online trying to push them over the edge towards suicide.

When I was a fucking child I knew that telling people to kill themselves is wrong. Not my problem that you're so cruel you can't see it that way and harassed me all day as I went to my disability appointments finding out if I need more surgery while my notifications were going off at a ridiculous rate as you were trying to convince me I'm the bad guy for warning vulnerable people about you; a person that told someone they don't even know who is a suicidal, ED recovering, physically and psychologically disabled person, that their life isn't worth living and they should just kill themselves.

This person is a threat to the mentally and physically disabled and they need their blog to be terminated so they can't trigger people on the edge like me and so many of my followers and others in the disabled/ED communities on Tumblr.

[boopboops22]

hello!❕heads up this isn’t a draw request bc ik you have a lot of those rn❕i saw you request chronic pain gon art on twitter and was wondering if you had any thoughts on that au? do you think you’d ever incorporate it in your post canon hxh lore? as someone who is realizing they might have chronic pain i just love the idea of gon having chronic pain after canon. i especially love him having a great support system for it :)

Oh my gosh I'm so happy to hear you also like the hc! I do have a lot of ideas for it actually

Ramblings about the hc below :-)

These are some doodles I did for the idea a little while back. This idea started from me projecting onto Gon losing his nen and seeing it as similar to the disabled experience.

I feel that Gon would have a huge complex about his pain and deny any aid for a while. When he does seek out assistance he treats it like an episodic thing, rather then somthing that is constant. Like, pushing through the pain and his limits for a while until he breaks down, then once he recovers from the break he goes back to pushing himself. In his head his disability is only present in these break downs allowing him to ignore it until it becomes too much. Over time though he would learn better habits and how to not push himself to a breaking point.

For his support system he definitely has so many people there for him!!

When on Whale Island Abe and Mito are the first to encourage him to slow down and be there for him when he's dealing with coming to terms with his pain. I especially think Abe would get on his case for internalized abelism and be the most understanding with him, Mito would be very supportive in caring for him but she wouldn't really understand imo. I feel like she was the one to instill hard working habits into him which can be an unhealthy mindset to keep when disabled.

When it comes to Killua I think that Gon has a bit of a complex over his pain in realtion to Killua. He'd likely wish he could tolerate pain to the extent Killua can and feel inadequate or weak for being bothered to the extent he is by the pain. Also Killua would likely feel even more compelled to protect Gon and Gon the prideful creature he is would feel insulted if Killua got overly protective.

In the end despite those issues and emotional complications, Killua is definitely who Gon would be the most soothed by when in pain and Killua would want to be there to support Gon. I think there's a lot of opportunity for softness between them because of it. Killua catching onto Gon's pain when he's trying to hide it, Gon seeking out Killua as a distraction when it gets bad, there's many cute scenarios.

Gon would absolutely be the worst at dealing with his chronic pain and with it being a side effect after being healed in this au, I think be would feel that he deserved the pain as well. Despite feeling like he deserved it he would hate being less capable from it and cause a lot of issues with his self worth. I think him accepting it with time and then learning how to work with his pain, knowing his limits and when to push them, and actually seeking aid, he would develop a much healthier relationship with his pain. I really love the idea of his character growth being reflected in him learning to take care of his condition!

I'm a person with fibromyalgia and migraines so when I picture what his pain is like and how he goes through it I'm imagining what I experience but in the future for any chronic pain Gon stuff I make I think I might make the pain a little vague so people with different kinds of chronic pain can relate!! As for incorporating this hc into my hxh lore, I'm kinda treating it as it's own au separate from most of my post canon hxh stuff. I have a pretty thorough outline worked out for my post canon lore and I don't want to shoehorn this hc into that so I'm treating it as it's own thing

I hope you gain some comfort in Gon suffering the same as you and getting enviable support from his loved ones, I love living vicariously through fictional characters 🫶

[silverstarsheep]

So! My father is getting surgery on his shoulder on the 20th of November. Because of this, a few extra medical bills for my mother, and the fact that I can't currently work, I'm hoping to get a little extra cash for his recovery time.

I dislike asking for donations, but that would help, too.

Busts, half bodies, full bodies and more! Come and take a look at my sketches, provided lovingly by an artist with chronic pain!

My work time is limited each day, but I do my absolute best to provide quality work!

More info below!

Bust Sketch: $6

Very quick turn around.

Includes one character.

An extra character is $5 (limit 1). They MUST be interacting.

Small companions are $4 each (limit 1). They MUST be interacting.

Complex characters are an extra $4.

Half bodies (to waist) are $8.

Full body Sketch: $12

Includes one character.

An extra full-sized character is $10 (limit 1). They MUST be interacting.

Small companions are $8 each (limit 2). They MUST be interacting.

Complex characters are an extra $6.

Doodle/Reference Sketch Sheet : $60

Focus on one character.

A description or idea of the character's personality is REQUIRED.

Will include an assortment of full bodies, half bodies, and busts.

No set amount of drawings, will be at LEAST four to five. Drawings will be based on personality description, or be requested to be specific.

An Extra character is $30-$50 (limit 1), and can appear multiple times; they MUST be interacting; no romance!

Small companions (i.e pets) are $20-$30 each (limit 2).

Complex characters are an extra $20.

Custom designs start at $100.

TOS

I also have a discord server dedicated to my commissions, with private channels to discuss in. Please let me know if you would like to join it! This is best for people intending to purchase many commissions from me!

I also have adopts for sale, if that's more your style!

I am a disabled artist who suffers from chronic pain, and therefore cannot work. So, any and all help is appreciated! Every little bit goes a long way!

[earthfromadistance]

I went to the forest hills show last night and Let me preface this by saying that as always, Hozier is an absolutely stellar performer and this has literally nothing to do with him. With that being said the venue staff and the crowd vibes were not it.

Forest hills is an outdoor stadium that also doubles as like a tennis arena? I guess is the best way to describe it like U.S opens have been held there. Important thing to know about me is that I am disabled. I suffer from severe chronic pain due to a failed spinal surgery. I have two rods six screws and two cages in my spine. I am unfortunately used to being disappointed by venues.

My friend and I had lower bowl seating which still required us to go up a level of steps. She had pulled her back the night before and I’m…me lmao. So we were taking our time on the stairs bc we’re struggling and also…we’re fat 🤷🏾‍♀️ lmao. One of the event staff at the top of the steps was making fun light hearted conversation with everyone coming up the stairs and then he got to us and he said “this is great exercise for you guys!” And I would love to believe it was harmless but also…we’re fucking strangers and that’s a weird ass thing to say to two heavier girls who are very obviously struggling to get up the steps. Bless the girl behind me who went off on him before I even could(she was like why the FUCK would you say that to them?? And then apologized profusely on his behalf 🥺 and that honestly validated my feelings about it so much.

So then the show starts. And I, like so many other people have been looking forward to this for MONTHS. But from the jump I’m like this crowd has no fucking energy like this man is putting on a SHOW!!! He is such a passionate performer and i was looking at the crowd in GA like yassss girl give us NOTHING!!!

THEN when he did I, carrion I turned to my friend and I was like….am I crazy or are there A LOT of people talking through this? And she was like no it’s definitely not you. Like talking so much through a song that is definitely one of his softer ones to the point where I was like this is literally taking me completely out of the moment. This was a sold out show on the LAST night of this leg of the tour like if you wanted to have an annoying ass conversation with your annoying ass friends y’all could have done that at home for free??

It actually made me sad bc he deserved such a better crowd. It felt like so many people were there just to say they went to a Hozier show without actually caring about the fact that they were at a Hozier show. And not to be Like This but I blame it on too sweet’s success with the TikTok girlies(like it’s what the song and Hozier deserve but did they think he was just gunna play that on loop all night??) I won’t say it ruined my evening(that came later with some rampant ableism from more forest hills staff) but I will say that it made me a little sad especially when I know there are people who would have killed to be there.

[bbcphile]

Today is my one-year anniversary of my neurosurgery!!

I had tethered cord syndrome--basically, where your spinal cord is stuck to the spine, so things like breathing, moving, and general existence tug on your brain, spine, and entire nervous system and can cause pretty bad nerve damage.

By this time last year, it was bad enough that sitting up for longer than 10 minutes made my spine burn like it was on fire, I couldn't do "basic" things like emptying the dishwasher without having to sleep for the rest of the day, I was losing my ability to walk, and my brain fog was too all-encompassing for me to do much but sleep--the idea of writing ANYTHING more than emails to my medical team, especially fiction or meta, was laughable.

I was miserable and also terrified that this surgery--which had the potential to cause other threatening problems--was the only thing that might give me hope for a future that contained more than watching my body and mind break down and die.

My amazing neurosurgeon had warned me that the goal of the surgery was to prevent things from getting worse, but that if I was lucky, I might regain some function, and that many people see dramatic improvements by the one year post-surgery mark, and that these improvements can continue up through the end of the second year post-surgery.

The recovery from the surgery in the hospital was absolute hell, but even then, despite the 10/10 pain, I could tell that my brain wasn't being yanked by the tether like an obnoxious elementary school boy pulling on pigtails anymore.

And things have only gotten better since then.

I can do chores around the apartment again, I can sit and walk more easily, much of the nerve damage in my lower half has healed, and I'm now even able to write for up to 8-10 hours a day again, which was something I didn't think I'd ever get to have back in my life.

And I'm still having improvements, and my neurosurgeon is optimistic they will continue.

I know there will be flares of my other chronic medical things, because that's part of these conditions and of being disabled. So things will always be up and down. But maybe the ups and downs will stay at this newer baseline. Maybe the baseline might even rise some more.

I've traditionally . . . not been great at believing I can have good things. I've had enough catastrophes and devastating realizations come after the best moments of my life that I am very very wary of letting myself truly believe something has worked out.

But, looking at this huge milestone, at the progress I've made, at the 27000 words of my MLC fic I've written with lots more planned, at the life I'm letting myself start to envision again--

--maybe it really will be ok.

And even if it's not, even if I lose all of this tomorrow, maybe it wouldn't be forever.

Maybe, if I came back from hell once, I could do it again.

Let's hope I don't have to find out.

[mika-0730]

I've been doing a bunch of thinking around a lot of things since starting my leave and thought it was time to make a new intro post after slightly changing up my URL and thinking about who "I" am.

Intro time!!

I'm Mika! 30s poly transbian (she/her)! This blog will be NSFW, so keep that in mind when following/viewing. I'm typically kinda noisy, happy-go-lucky and klutzy, a failwife office lady who loves to make delicious food and gets easily flustered. I'm the type who could help lead a ransomware recovery event, but can also forget what i had for breakfast and can barely function on a day to day basis.

Content will be explicitly for ladies and enbies (and whatever Identity you have between those), men are welcome to hang out but don't be weird or you'll get a block.

I lean more femme x femme and t4t, but can be a good bit flexible around that.

I'm a Switch, though I'm unsure if domme or sub leaning, depends on my mood. Definitely top leaning, but not opposed to bottoming for people i trust. Haven't had many opportunities for that, so i can't say whether i do or don't love it.

This blog will be my main one, including general NSFW content. Lots of art, cooking, titties, and things i find relatable. I'm chronically disabled with fibromyalgia and a few injuries, so you'll probably see some posts around that as well.

I do have thoughts on a lot of the hot topic trans rights, sexuality, and gender things, but i probably won't talk about them too much. My general philosophy is i won't judge you for them, and i hope we can be civil around what we agree and disagree on.

If i unfollow you, it's me saying "i think we're cool but I'm not a big fan of the things you post for one reason or another. Still down with having you around"

If i softblock you, it's me saying "i think you're fine but not a person i really wanna be around. If you wanna follow me back you can, but i might not interact with you too much"

If i block you, you can eat shit and fuck off.

If we're mutuals, feel free to ask for my discord, flirt, send me a random message, down for all kinds of interactions with friends (⁠ ⁠ꈍ⁠ᴗ⁠ꈍ⁠)

I have a side blog for more personal NSFW talk, and heavier kinks, but I'm not sharing that one. You'll know it when you see it, and if you really want it I'm not opposed to giving it out to certain people

@screams-of-the-siren is my vent blog now, where I'm going to try and keep my diary like readmores and frustrations

You may come across my alter, @one-moof-too-few , who's still generally developing. They've been through a hard time getting me to a safe place over the past near two decades, but they're generally friendly if a bit distant.

Tags ever growing, but below

#Relatable!!! - things that i find relatable

#art - art i like

#cuties - people i find cute

#my loves - my absolute favorites, the ones i would do almost anything for and would let do so many things for me

#mikachuuuu 💗💗 - Hatsune Miku art

#Lewd Posts - stuff i find NSFW. More sex based rather than nudity, but poses can make a massive difference in my thoughts

#Tech tips - things i find useful

#capitalism is a disease - politics tag. Some flavor of communist, can get along with anarchists okay, but if you're a Rep, Dem, or a libertarian you can fuck off. Certified genocidal joe and nancy "let them eat ice cream" hater, and no I'm not voting for a genocidal maniac who made me seek asylum from Texas while in full control of the house, Senate, and Whitehouse.

#Silicon Valley can eat my ass - the tech news i absolutely hate, typically around startups and capitalism based tech

#Tech Tips - things i find useful in technology, especially around accessibility

#i should remember this - shit i should definitely remember, wherever it being motivational or advice, that i definitely will not

#chronic pain

#fibromyalgia

[creative-anchorage]

Doctors who deal with chronically ill or disabled people should be the most understanding when it comes to last minute cancellations by their struggling patients. Of all people, they should know that we wouldn’t cancel an appointment unless absolutely necessary—because we need their help. Without it, our pain or illness would be worse. ... We are physically and/or mentally unable to leave our homes—sometimes even our beds. And we’re penalized because we can’t make it to a visit that we scheduled two weeks ago, when our bodies weren’t rebelling against us quite as much. We scheduled it with the belief (or hope) that we’d actually be able to be there. Knowing that we have to pay a fee before we can reschedule often forces us to endure pain longer until more money comes in. Many of us, even those on Medicare, still have co-pays and deductibles we must meet each year. Add in the cost of cancellation fees, and we’re left struggling to decide whether we can see our doctor that month or if we have to hold out until the following month. Personally, I’ve had to cancel three doctors’ appointments in one week, one of which was a requirement for a medication refill—incurring cancellation fines from each office. No accommodation was offered that would enable me to get that needed medicine. Could the visit have been handled via video? Yes. How about a phone consultation with my doctor? That would have worked as well. But office policy precluded them from making such arrangements. However, nothing stops them from taking the extra money I’m forced to pay because I canceled. ... Sometimes doctors, tired of our constant need to reschedule, end the doctor/patient relationship. [...] Being told we can no longer see the doctor who has been treating us for years often creates a firestorm inside of us that not only intensifies our pain but affects our mental health. ... We aren’t asking doctors for special privileges, just compassion and accommodations that will allow us to get the medical assistance we need without further compromising our health. Offering video visits, telephone visits, or other alternatives on days when we can’t make appointments allows us to avoid fees we can’t pay and not live in fear of losing our healthcare providers. We’re all trying to survive, to live the best lives we can. When our bodies are under attack, we don’t want to pay $25 for the chance to fight another day. 

[vtforpedro]

long life update - TWs in tags

It feels like it's been ages. I'm so exhausted and in a lot of physical pain. Going on two months of it being the worst it's been right after a couple of months of the best it's been. Chronic pain + grief + trying to get help from doctors who should have their licenses revoked + dealing with a shit relationship with my mom + a good, decades-long friendship ending + the ongoing disability process with the SSA + LAW FIRMS.

I'm so fucking tired. I don't remember if I updated that the appeals council decided not to review my case because the 'judge followed the law' except that he didn't. So, as it turns out, my original attorney (and he did not tell me this) before he left, wrote that if they denied me, it should go to federal district court.

I'm now working with a NY law firm to take my case to federal court because my current law firm believes it has merit, and I guess they do, too. That's how fucked the decision was, and I'm glad my initial reaction of bewilderment and anger was spot on lol

The good news is, it should only take another year! ._.

My neurologist is the worst doctor I have ever come across and I'm quite literally stuck with him with nowhere else to go. I wish him upon no one. I'm so tired of calling the SSA, getting documents to them, signing things for law firms, contacting law firms, getting no responses, and contacting them all over and over again. I am in incredible physical pain, like this actively makes my neuro stuff worse. Everything makes it worse. I have autonomic testing in a few days, and idk if I'll get through it b/c I have to stop the meds that keep me out of the ER two days prior, and it scares me.

My relationship with my mom is fractured and I don't feel like family therapy is actually helping. I had to end a friendship with someone I love and care very much about but who was growing too comfortable mistreating me and I was giving them too many passes 😞 I've known them for the better part of two decades.

It's been over seven months since my cat Isis died. I don't know how. It feels like she was here just yesterday. Yet, all the nights I've sat and talked to her and wept are all too real. I miss her more than I can say. She was my soul cat. I keep thinking about tomorrow and how she'd be so nosy getting into EVERYthing when gifts are opened at Christmas. Having to stop her, move her, laugh because she was just so n o s y and it was hilarious. And she's not gonna be here for that ever again.

I'm having a really fucking hard time tonight. It's just hitting me how god-awful this year has been and how I have a bad week to look forward to before even getting to the new year lmao I have to stop taking so many of my medications 48hrs before 1.5-2hrs of testing to see if we can find out Yet Another Thing Wrong With Me but knowing my luck it'll be 'no findings' and the mystery of why my core body temp plummets to 93.9 in the blink of an eye won't be solved until I have suffered juuuuust enough.

It never ends. Never. I want to give up. I'm so tired of doing this. I don't want to anymore. It never. fucking. ends.

I absolutely cannot say it's all been bad, though. I've met incredible, warm, welcoming, giving, kind people this year. Y'all have helped me more than you know and I'm so so so lucky to be able to call you my friends. This year has sucked for so many of us, but I want to say I'm proud of you, and I love you all very much.

My fic is gonna be printed in a hardcover zine early next year. I participated in a Big Bang for the first time and that'll also go out early next year. I'm hosting a tiny event in my tiny fandom server that I'm super excited about. I have a raffle prize to write (bagginshield !!!! SO EXCITED to revisit the og otp) and a Valentine's gift to write for another fandom.

I posted 401,000 words this year and wrote many more unfinished wips, plus a long one (90k) that I am very invested in finishing.

I painted and drew so much this year. I improved a lot, too! I got a couple of portraits printed from inprnt to see how they looked, and it was MY art, and they were GORGEOUS. I thought I would hate seeing my art professionally printed, but no! I almost cried. They looked so lovely.

My cat Lilly had health issues almost immediately following Isis's passing, but she is doing so well right now. She's blossomed into another cat, and while she's not my constant companion, she is with me so much more than she used to be. When she walks onto my desk I am to stop everything and hold her like baby in my arms until she decides that's enough (or I really need to move) lmaaao she's such a goober. My heart cat. <3

I'm not doing well right now--my MH is bad. Especially tonight. But it felt good to write the good things.

I'm sorry for my lack of replies and kinda disappearing. I'm running on fumes. I hope next year will bring physical relief so emotional relief can happen.

For those of you facing difficulties of any kind, I am holding your hand in spirit.

[talkethtothehandeth]

Here’s a reminder that if you have chronic illness(es) and your teeth aren’t “perfect” because of your symptoms— if they’re stained or cracked or have cavities you can’t quite treat yet, if they’re chipped, eroded or crooked, if your mouth doesn’t get healthy no matter what you do because you can’t control getting sick, if your disabilities get in the way of taking care of your own teeth, if your teeth have fractured from clenching too hard because your body is always under severe stress, or if your medications hurt your mouth, you are not gross and you absolutely deserve compassion rather than judgement.

I have to go to the dentist very soon because my body doesn’t know I’m in pain until it’s too late, and it’s not good. I have (incompletely) cracked two teeth because my body is constantly stressed so I bite down on my teeth like I’m gnawing on a billionaire’s ankles; I have some form of decay on my back molars because of how often I’ve thrown up. This is uncontrollable, no matter how much I take care of my mouth.

People say tooth aches are their worst pain ever, and that’s because they haven’t experienced nerve pain before. I have, and do, experience it often. But never in my mouth. I haven’t had a cavity since I was 12, I’m 23 and these are not from a lack of dental care. My enamel weakened from all the acid in my mouth, and antacids cause enamel erosion, gum recession and of course cavities as a result. Celiac disease affects the mouth too, along with my multiple medications that I can’t stop taking. My mouth is completely crowded on my bottom jaw because of my EDS, my wisdom teeth grew in sideways, even. I've managed my teeth for a very long time on my own, but now I need extra help and that's okay.

Teeth are a big deal, I know. They’re a huge source of insecurity, and it’s more than reasonable to be upset if their health changes. I get it— I had my good cry (okay multiple cries) about it, but I would rather have a healthy mouth than all of my teeth if it comes to an extraction. It isn’t your fault. The state of your teeth is not indicative of your morality and self worth. Even if you get the lecture from the hygienist, even if they judge you (which they should never do, but unfortunately they do) even if you are ashamed of your teeth and your smile you deserve compassion and care and you deserve to be treated kindly when seeking out dental care.

Bring something to make you comfortable. I’m bringing a squishmallow for my back and my JBL noise canceling headphones. I’m gonna be playing movie soundtracks while they’re digging in my mouth and I’m going to get the care I need and deserve. If you can, I encourage you to go see a dentist. Oral health is tied to your heart and to your brain. A mouth infection can be fatal if left untreated.

I had no idea that I had a cavity at all, and now I have to see if it’s salvageable or not! I feel shame, even though I did what I could, because I’ve been judged in the past even after disclosing my medical condition. It made me not want to go back, but I have to now and I have accepted that. It’s scary, I will be very nervous in the chair especially because my body responds differently to pain medication than others.

But I can do this, and so can you. You are not wrong, your smile is not gross, you are not dirty. So many people, so many young people have teeth problems too because of their illnesses. Whether you have all your teeth, only some, or none at all, your smile is so so beautiful and doesn’t need to be hidden. It’s a very hard topic to talk about, but I feel like if it’s talked about more maybe people will have less shame.

[carnage-cathedral]

Hi! I just stumbled across this blog, which led me to some of your other blogs. I don’t have DID or know much about it, so I have a few questions! Hope it’s not rude.

(1) do you work/do school? If so, how does that work with alters? (2) how many alters do you have? (3) is there a “main” alter?

Genuinely very sorry if this is uncomfortable or anything, it just spiked my curiosity. Also, LOVE the different aesthetic layouts on the different blogs!!! You’re all so cool >:3

hi! thanks so much for the questions, we find them pretty fun to answer usually. I'll answer them as best I can :)

we don't currently work/do school. we're disabled due to some undiagnosed physical conditions/chronic pain and also chronic mental health issues (including the DID) that have made working unattainable for us. we currently live off of social assistance and help from our family. as far as I know, our DID doesn't interfere too much with work/school for us and we're able to function somewhat "normally" for short periods of time when absolutely necessary

our alter count is probably somewhere in the hundreds. this varies from system to system, of course, and will also be different depending on the type of system (I don't actually know entirely how it works). while our true headcount is somewhere over a hundred, we have roughly 25-30 alters who are readily available and capable of fronting

we do not have one specific alter we consider host or "main alter" anymore. previously that role was held by Sebastian (he was the one who originally used this blog so some of his old tag system is still around). he's since been retired from the role for various reasons and now just chills out in the innerworld with his boyfriends, and occasionally comes near front to pester us and our friends

I hope this answers your questions well enough! we're obviously just speaking from our own personal experience so this information shouldn't necessarily be compared to the experiences of other systems of course

I'm glad you like our aesthetics! I'm pretty sure our most recent retheme was done by Dean, but the original red/black/white was all Seb's doing. we try to stick to this color scheme in his honor, and of course utilize the anatomical heart (our little system symbol) and angelic imagery wherever possible. the other sideblogs are usually customized by the specific alters who run them

thanks again for the questions and the positive vibes! it's always a pleasure to have friendly and curious people in our inbox :)

[glittertomb]

Very personal but important question(s?) regarding chronic health issues and disability

So I’ve had fibromyalgia and Gastroparesis for about a decade now, and I try my best to self-manage these issues (in addition to the expensive meds they give me that don’t really provide relief), but it becomes severely difficult for me to work a full schedule, particularly when my job drains me physically, mentally, and emotionally. I spend my days off in complete recovery mode, absolutely bed-ridden, afraid to do anything social or physical, because I risk going into a total Fibro meltdown. Which is a nightmare, but I’ll spare you the details.

I’ve been considering applying for partial disability because I think working 3 or 4 days instead of 5 or 6 would be much better for most humans, honestly, but particular for someone like me who deals with chronic nausea, discomfort, and pain on the daily. I’ve been putting it off for ages though because I know that disability can be very difficult to get and a horrible process and I can’t work myself up to it or afford a disability lawyer to help me. I tried being a little more aggressive this past summer and collected “documentation” on my fibromyalgia in the hope of preparing to submit it, and literally all of my documentation says “fibromyalgia?” because apparently none of my doctors believe me after years of testing and thousands of dollars of office visits trying to get this diagnosis. To be honest, using fibromyalgia as my reasoning for disability needs was a dead end anyway because lots of doctors still don’t believe it exists, so I doubt the government would find that a good reason either. And I really doubt they would take the Gastroparesis seriously either, even though both of these conditions are dehabilitating at times.

So one of my friends recommended I go through the avenue of my mental health issues. At different points of my life I’ve been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, bipolar, ocd, adhd, etc, and who knows what the real answer is, but she’s a mess. I’ve been realizing over the past couple years that I’m very likely autistic, and that would actually explain a lot of these things, but the past 6 months have been crazy, and even though I’ve been working a bunch, I’m poorer than ever because of the rising cost of everything, so I cannot afford to get a formal diagnosis yet. But I know that I told my most recent psychiatrist all these horror stories about my anxiety, so I decided to get done documentation for her too, and guess what? Generalized depression and mild anxiety. Girl, huh? (Tw: blood and dermatillomania coming up) I showed her evidence of scars on my hands from picking my hands every night til I bleed everywhere, I described how I get overwhelmed and cry at work several times a week and often fight back panic attacks at work and in my private life, I told her than I struggled to fall asleep and stay asleep and only got collectively about a few hours every night, I told her that I literally could not socialize without using alcohol as a crutch but I can no longer do that because of my digestive issues so I self-isolate, I told her that I struggle to maintain eye contact and panic when people give me eye contact… so many stories like these. Mild anxiety smdh

So that comes to my first question cause I guess I decided while writing this that I have a couple:

1) How do you, as a female-presenting person, get a diagnosis for severe anxiety? How wild do my stories have to be without accidentally committing myself?! I have an ex, amab, who basically pulled a john Mulaney and was like, “I get nervous on planes sometimes” and he legit got a prescription for Xanax or one of those other big ones, and another who is on a dose of gabapentin 5x the strength of mine because he gets social anxiety sometimes, so this is especially frustrating that I can’t even get a dang proper diagnosis on anything after ten+ years of therapy, doctors, tests, everything.

2) What is the process like for getting an autism diagnosis and are there cheaper routes you can go that would still be credible? I’ve exhausted my expenses from years of jobs not paying my worth combined with money poured down the drain trying to get any sort of help with my kaleidoscope of issues, and at this point I’m too broke and demotivated and burnt out to figure out a way forward.

3. Has anyone been able to get partial or full disability who would be willing to hold my hand through the steps and keep me motivated? I know it’s a huge ask but I honestly get so anxious even thinking about the process that I completely shut down. At the very least, maybe you could explain what worked for you or how you would approach it better next time? I just moved far away from my support group so I’m feeling alone and even a word of caution or encouragement would help.

I know I’m not really as connected to this community as I used to be, but I’m hoping someone will get to the end of this and even a kind word or a smidge of sympathy/empathy would be nice. And please do reach out if you have fibro because I don’t meet many and it would be nice to have friends who can relate. Thank you for listening! 💜💜💜