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#i know she wanted to make things up to me for years of being sick and absent and also awful at times
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Bitter
Azriel x Reader - One Shot - Angst
Elain orders a couple shots. Azriel’s ex serves her.
“Now I’m sick in the head and it’s not even my fault”
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She laughs as she approaches the bar. Lovely, beautiful, kind. Gods, she smells like honey and roses too. She even says “please” as she orders two shots of Patron.
I’m almost surprised, Patron for such a flowery thing. The most girls like her typically order are Lemon Drops. A sugar sweet rim with a bit of sour beneath.
I’m sure he encouraged her. Tequila, his drink of choice for the ladies. The clothes fall off easier that way.
I’d know.
Four years, four years I’d worked here and never gone home with a customer.
Until the Shadowsinger.
He had those sad brooding eyes that you can’t help but want to fix. Hazel irises that seeped into the marrow of your bones like a cancer, seeking out the guarded depths of the soul.
“He’s been gone for nearly fifty years now.” He’d say as he threw back another two finger pour of whiskey - neat.
“The court isn’t the same without him. Even from a business standpoint, our imports are lacking. Which is fine, but it’s a testament to the effect the High Lord has on this court.” I’d reply as I poured him another.
“Yeah…..” he’d trail off. My heart clenched at the emotion disguised by a stoic facade, the slight feathering of his jaw before throwing back the next shot.
I’d take care of a few other patrons, returning back to the Shadowsinger with another round from the occasional guest who’d send him a shot. Despite the “Illyrian bastard” reputation he blasted, he’s revered in Velaris, he fares quite well in the bedroom. What’s the classic phrase? Tall, dark, and handsome? Yeah, he’s got all that. That and a tragic backstory, a perfectly symmetrical face, and the highly gossiped about wingspan.
Females and males alike line up for a chance to have those scarred hands wrapped around their throat. A chance to win his heart through sexual prowess and witty one liners.
I didn’t even want him. Perhaps that’s what caught his eye. A customer who tipped well? Of course he was that. I gave him a free shot once for being patient while an influx of customers waved dollar bills at me desperate for their next shot in advance of the rest of the queue.
The nights that he sat at the bar extended later and later until it became routine for him to pop in, take a seat, and shut the place down- all from the shroud of wispy shadows.
When was the first time he fucked me in the alley? The first night he walked me home? The first night my cat curled up behind him as my head rested in the crook of his arm?
“It’s not serious.” I told myself as I came to depend on him like heroin. He sure as shit didn’t make it feel that way.
There were plans. Plans for what we’d do together when things settled down.
Rosehall was beautiful in the spring but a winter wonderland in December. Even the Illyrian Steppes had lovely secrets if you knew where to look. He couldn’t wait to cradle me in his arms as those membranous wings took flight to all the wonders he’d share with me.
There was the attack on Velaris. My apartment building was wrecked. He never came to check in.
Then the war came and I understood.
I was certain he was busy.
But I didn’t see him again.
Until tonight.
And here she is. Warm and lovely, she tipped well before walking back to the table with those two shots of Patron. I told her they were on the house.
I want to hate her. I want to loathe him. It would make me feel better, right?
But being bitter leaves the soul weathered, so I pour another shot, serve the next customer, cash out, and saunter home.
And if a stray shadow lurks in the dark as I wander, that’s not my business anymore.
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Tags:
ACOTAR General: @lilah-asteria @thecollegecowgirl @mochibabycakes @nickishadow139 @cynthiesjmxazrielslover @ahaha0246
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puppyeared · 9 months
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man
#maybe im being pessimistic abt this. im not saying u should wear a mask every waking moment of your life god knows i cant#but also. hell no i dont trust u if anything i distrust u ppl even more after how things played out for the past 3 years#like there are situations where it might be inevitable catching covid. most of my family members are nurses and in constant contact#but there are also a ton of ways to make that risk low as possible like masking and wearing a face shield and having sanitizer#for me its not enough to just say oh we're in a small group and we're all vaccinated#motherfucker your kid is sick from preschool EVERY TIME WE VISIT. of course ill be wearing a mask she gave me covid last year#also no the fuck it isnt seasonal the cases go up because lack of caution makes the virus spread and mutate especially around times when#ppl gather. add that with virus transmission in cold weather and its a matter of different factors increasing the risk of spread#im also tired of ppl not understanding that i wont be their responsibility if i do get sick. maybe they can help me recover#but at the end of the day the risk of death and long term health is all on me. i cant change that#the govt barely gives me accommodations what makes u think theyll do anything for every individual case of long covid or worse#im so tired. im so tired#i dont even know if its possible to want this to be over anymore i just wish we didnt have to deal with this in the first place#ALSO COUGH INTO YOUR SLEEVE SERIOUSLY HOW IS THIS SO HARD TO REMEMBER#oh its just a cold/dry throat its not like i have covid or anything. no!! its basic hygiene!!! how is this so hard to understand!!!!!!!!!!#and no this isnt abt whether people have the means to protect themselves this is me bitching abt my relatives not taking me seriously#vent#my art#myart#doodles#covid 19
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bulldagger-bait · 10 days
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When it comes to hygiene tasks and self care with disability and chronic illness, its pretty much a constant case of: don't let perfect be the enemy of the good.
Basically: it's better to do something, than to do nothing at all.
TLDR: Just because you can't do something "properly" doesn't mean you shouldn't do it at all. Do it half-way. Do it shitty. Do it barely. Do it on a technicality. But do what you can. Just try, because doing something will help you.
If you don't have the energy to scrub your body with a sponge, just rub soap over your skin with your hands.
If you don't have the energy to wash your whole body with soap, just hit the places where sweat accumulates, or where you're smelliest.
If you don't have the energy to wash with soap AT ALL, just sitting in water is better than nothing. It will wash away dirt and oils.
If you can't bathe or shower at all, a warm wash cloth is your new best friend. If that's too much, then try bath wipes. They're a bit bigger than regular wet wipes, and a bit more heavy duty. They're designed to help keep bed ridden patients clean in hospitals.
If you don't have the energy to dry yourself after a bath or a shower, just put on a bathrobe and get into bed. If you don't have the energy to get dressed afterwards, just don't. It can wait until you can.
If you don't have energy to brush your teeth for two minutes, honestly, just a cursory scrub is better than not doing anything.
If you can't brush your teeth twice a day, brush in the evenings. It will help take away the build up of food from the day.
If you don't have the energy to brush AT ALL, honestly, just take a cloth and wipe the plaque off your teeth. Rinse with mouth wash after if you'd like. Something is always better than nothing.
If you can't floss twice a day. Try once. If that's too much, try a few times a week. If that's too much, try setting aside a day once a week as a goal. If you can't keep a schedule, do it when you're able to. Hell, I keep some floss next to my bed so that if I forget and don't have the energy to go get it, I can just reach over.
If you can't iron your clothes, don't bother. Wrinkles are fine. Wear jumpers over wrinkly t-shirts. No one will know, and honestly, most people won't even care. If it's really wrinkly and it's A Big Deal And It Needs To Be Ironed, here's my life hack. Step 1: take a spray bottle, and spritz the item of clothing (while you're wearing it is easiest) until it's lightly damp. Step 2: use a hair-dryer on the clothes until they're dry. It gets rid of creases like nobody's business, it's easier than lugging out the iron and ironing board, and you get to have nice toasty warm clothes afterwards.
If you can't fold your clothes, try just hanging them up. It's less commitment. It's quicker to do. Granted, you need to have the space in order to do this, but it is also good at helping you downsize, and lets you visualise exactly what you have.
If you can't put your clothes away, invest in a couple of laundry baskets, and then just keep your clean clothes in the baskets. You can then separate washed clothes into underwear, pants, and shirts baskets. You can just leave them like that. I'm giving you permission to never fold your laundry again if you can't. Just leave it unfolded. Who's going to care? Something is better than nothing. If you can, try to put those baskets into your closet so that you can keep the clutter out of sight, and give yourself a more restful environment.
If you can't separate your clothing out into different categories and wash them "properly" (whites, warm tones, cool tones, darks, delicates / switching between hot & cold washes / paying attention to laundry instructions on the label) then just don't worry about it. If you cold wash your clothes, colours won't bleed. Maybe gradually over the course of dozens of washes there'll be some changes in hue, but it's really not as high stakes as the One Red Sock In The Whites Turns Them Pink trope makes it out to be.
I've pretty much come to the point in my life where if a piece of clothing can't survive the washer and dryer, then it's just not meant to be. I colour separate my clothes, and if I have the energy/remember I'll take my bras and jumpers out of the washing machine to drip dry. But otherwise, I leave it to the universe.
If you can't separate out your recycling, then don't. If you have a large amount of rubbish you need to get rid of but the idea of separating it out properly is stopping you from doing so, then just don't worry about it. I know it's not ideal, but if you have garbage in your room/house and you need to get rid of it, please just get rid of it. Don't let the problem get bigger and harder to deal with. Don't let "doing something properly" get in the way of keeping your living spaces clean. Please. Give yourself understanding.
If you can't wash your dishes, get paper plates. Obviously, it's not ideal, but it is better that you eat food than skipping meals. It is better that you have a clean kitchen, rather than having dishes piling up and making it harder to look after yourself.
If you can't prepare meals for yourself keep making the tasks easier and easier. If you can't do recipes, then simplify. Use pasta sauce from the jar instead of making it. Eat canned soup. Buy food you can just stick in the oven. If you eat fish fingers and microwave veggies every night, it's better than not eating anything at all. It's better than having to fork out money on take-out. If you need ready-made meals, then get them. If you're literally just eating a raw cauliflower for dinner; 1) I see you, 2) me too, sis, 3) something is better than nothing.
These are the basic things you need to do every day to function as a person. They are your activities of daily living. Brushing your teeth. Bathing or showering. Using the bathroom. Getting dressed. Eating. Drinking. Sleeping. Keeping your environment clean. You don't need to do these things perfectly, but they need to happen in order for you to have a decent quality of life.
And it breaks my heart, because I know that so many disabled people can't do these things every day. I'm not saying this to guilt or judge, I'm saying that these are basic needs; you deserve these things. These things bring dignity. If a disabled person is unable to do these things, it diminishes their quality of life. It robs them of dignity.
If you need help to do these things, Its okay to ask for help. It's okay to need help. But if you can't get that help and you have to do these things by yourself -- or you just plain want to be independent and do it without help-- then don't hold yourself to standards you can't meet.
Don't let perfect be the enemy of the good. Doing something is always better than doing nothing. Even if it's not perfect. Even if it's not done well. Do what you can.
#lord knows that im still trying to pull myself out of the muck and into independence and dignity#i had to set a rule for myself that i need to wear clean clothes every day. and that i need to wear pyjamas to bed#that one's been hard. sometimes I dont have the energy to do it and i just stay in the same clothes for two days at a time#or i go to sleep in what i was wearing. but when i do follow that rule my quality of life is drastically better#not feeling dirty or gross goes a long way to making you feel more like a person#i also made a rule that im not allowing myself to look frumpy outside anymore. that means clothes that look nice#no more trackies and pj pants and all that stuff. i basically lived in perpetual pyjamas for four years and im over it#i still dress comfortably but the important thing is that i dress. i look put together. i wear things that make me happy#(and i didnt need to buy anything to do so. i just needed to start taking better care of myself)#and i stopped letting perfect be the enemy of the good. i started doing things shitty rather than not doing it at all#and the more i keep pushing with my ADLs the better i feel#what helps is now i dont have to contend with stairs and that has made a dramatic change to what im able to accomplish#ive also finally built up enough strength in my body that im able to go to the shops by myself. so i can buy things to make easy meals#and mum doesnt mind if i just put some things in the oven or air fryer for us for dinner.#i still cant really cook. i felt bad about that for the longest time. i didnt even try bc i knew what id make would be disappointing#or it wouldnt be up to the standards of what everyone else was making. i was so sick of feeling like a let down all the time.#now i just make what i can and my mum doesnt complain bc shes in the same boat.#and yeah. having help would be nice. it would mean id be able to do more than what i can do by myself.#and its great to see how far ive come. but im not a burden. and when i have the accommodations i need i can do a lot more#i do something rather than nothing and my life has dramatically changed since then. ive just gotten better and better.#chronic illness#disability#chronic pain#spoonie#one things for certain and thats that im never going to let myself rely on anyone else ever again.#i never want to be on the other side of that ever again. I don't want to be anyone's burden. i dont want that hanging over me#i do things by myself or i dont do them at all. and god fucking willing i'll never go back to needing as much help as i used to#i really didnt realise just how much of an obstacle living with stairs was in my life. it was the biggest barrier against everything#stairs stopped me from being independent. if i couldnt traverse them i just didnt go anywhere. my world shrank so much#and not having the proper wheelchair shrinks my world even more. im stronger than i used to be but im still severely limited in where i go
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sanchoyo · 8 months
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haven’t been on much bc my dog has been sick :( between seizures and an infected tooth we’ve been having a Time trying to get everything fixed (this started around the holidays so our vet has been very booked up…we have been like 3-4 times in the past 4-5 weeks OTL does not help it’s like an hour drive there, so that’s been exhausting) now his new seizure meds are making him sick (was hoping it was like, just an adjustment period thing but he’s been sick for a week and having concerning symptoms…) if I’m not on a ton or slow to replying to messages it’s bc I’m working as much overtime as my job will give me bc Vet Expensive and mentally drained obvi 😞
#it makes me a lil mad his meds were kinda pricy and they literally are making things worse. like sure he isn’t have seizures but he can#barely walk and keeps running into things and keeps having diarrhea so like. 🙃 and the meds are making him sooo hungry and thirsty#I’m seeing the vet AGAIN FRIDAY I know she’s so sick of me but man my little guy. if she can’t figure out a combo that doesn’t have such#bad side effects I’m literally going to scream and cry#he’s the most sensitive boy in the world and my mental health hangs on his and my cats well being. please. 😭#sanchoyorambles#I’ve also called them like twice to find out if I should stop or what they want me to do and keep getting ‘oh they’ll call u back’ WHEN#GIRL MY PUBBY#if I don’t hear back before his next dose I’m just gonna make an executive decision myself to stop them for now#he’s literally on the smallest possible dose too bc he’s so little. so. they can’t go down in dosage they’ll need to put him on smth else 😑#which means paying for ANOTHER PRESCRIPTION A WEEK AFTER ALREASY GETTING ONE THAT WAS $30 ON TOP OF HIS STUPID VET BILL#screaming.#and like if I have the money it’s fine. and it’s not like the vet could’ve known he’d have bad side effects#im just frustrated it’s no one’s fault#I could go to a closer vet. the thing is I LIKE the one further away#they have the only groomer I’ve found that can trim him without sedating him! they send me reminders abt his shots! I like the vibes!!!#they seem caring!! but they are always SOOO BUSY it takes forever to make appointments or to hear back from them 😭#remember how I said one of my goals was to buy a vechicle this year lmao the vet bills are draining any savings I’ve managed to build up 🤧#my pets are priority 1 tho like even before all the medical stuff /I/ need like lol… that’s my baby#it’s just really bad timing. not that there’s good timing for medical issues but. u know
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eccentriccryptid · 4 months
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#just need to bitch about my new job for a minute#first of all - so lucky and happy to have a job i will say that#been unemployed for two months and i need something to pay the bills#but...the fucking 'no one wants to work' of it all is such bullshit#so this new company starts you at $13/hr#not great but considering i live in rural america it's way worse around here#they're remote but their definition of remote is that you can only work from your house no where else#you get two days off per week but it's not two days back to back#if you're full time you get extra holiday pay but there are no holidays off#if you're part time fuck you you just have to work#full time employees get 10 vacation days and 6 sick days#part time you just get so many unpaid hours off#like...i'm working part time because i'm hoping to get actual work in my field#but you're telling me if i was full time i'd get /16 days/ of paid time off per year?#but also i'm not allowed to go anywhere else while i work??#like i have family just out of state that i could pop over and see on a long weekend or even a short one#but i don't even have two days back to back so i just can't go see them without taking time off#and like...probably i can just use a vpn and it won't be a big deal#and i'm hoping this is a super temporary thing and i can actually use my degree#but like /fucking hell/ of course no one wants to work in conditions like this!#i know it's work from home and there are some perks to that but not enough to make up for everything else#also not them telling me during my interview that after training you don't have to be on camera#but during out first day today being told we have to 'earn the privilege'#bitch please it's fucking chat support#i am just so tired of employers thinking that it's a privilege for us to work for them#it's a privilege for you to have me honestly#oh and also if you run out of days off you don't get unpaid time off#they just start giving you strikes#like our trainer is really nice and great but also she's trying to sell this 10 days off as some kind of amazing thing#in the us that's /fine/ if you also get the holidays off!
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You want to know how bad my memory is?
I was writing last night and I just straight up forgot that Sanji exists. I have been watching this show since 2012, he was my fave Strawhat outside of Luffy pre-TS, and I FORGOT HE EXISTED.
I was like 'hm yes well the ones who would understand are Nami and Robin... W- wasn't there one more I was thinking of a moment ago? Wasn't there another one who'd Get It?????'
'it's not Chopper. Definitely not Usopp. And it's not Zoro. That's all the remaining Strawhats at this point in the story. So... Why am I convinced I'm forgetting someone? Let's go through the arcs in my head agai- OH MY GOD, I FORGOT SANJI'
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#When I tell you my memory is shit... 😭 I used to own a Sanji shirt. What the fuck??#When that post about the memory issues finally leaves my queue#Like I joke about it but this shit can be genuinely terrifying. Like knowing my brain is getting worse. Knowing I'm probably forgetting#Seriously important things and just 'oops I can't remember haha'#It's scary.#I'll never get better because I'll just relive the pain over and over because my brain refuses to remember the help and progress I make#Every day I wake up back at step 1 it's so depressing and scary and horrifying and I hate it#I can never process anything bc I just forget and if I do remember it's like a punch to the chest for the first time every time#And people get SO sick of you after a while. Constantly asking for help. Never remembering anything. They get so annoyed with you.#Anyway. On a lighter note (not actually) I'm trying out a new one-shot :)#Not to speak ill of the 'soon-to-be' dead but Garp was a shit grandfather#So I was like What If Me And Luffy Had The Same Reaction#Because self love starts in recognizing your self through the other god damn it#Even if I finish this idk if I'll post it bc of how personal it is but it has been very cathartic to write#Then again I could just publish it anonymously so my irl friends won't see it. No harm no foul.#I (kid) once pushed my mom (grown adult) out of my room when she caused me to have a meltdown so I could 100% see Luffy doing the same thin#In my defense she had a habit of taunting me and destroying my stuff to punish me after inciting meltdowns and I just wanted to be alone#I was like 7 years old at the time (hell year hell year) so I doubt I actually hurt her. She just looked surprised. I remember that.#Sometimes I wonder why I identify so much with werewolves and then I remember ah yes. The childhood of being treated like a monster.#Like a freak because when people kept pushing your boundaries you'd rather bite than let them do whatever they want to you#Oh boo hoo such a terrible thing for a child to be... Protective of themselves...#ANYWAY. like I said this wasn't going to be much lighter.#I want Luffy to punch the lights out of Garp to protect his friends. Not even in-canon just in this fic#Ik in-canon Garp is a complex guy and loads of fans love him but... Smash eggs make sandwiches know what I'm saying?#Yeah GROOVY
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puppmeo · 1 month
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Have you ever been assumed to be romantically attracted to someone and even just the thought of that makes you want to throw up . Anybody
#had someone's husband in my dms going on about how i want this bitch romantically and frankly if i hadn't been so busy crying i would've#actually thrown up . absolutely disgusting idea . vile even . horrid concept#anyway tldr im down a best friend because he didn't tell me anything i was doing was wrong after telling me that everything was okay and#then sent his husband after me to call me a creep that was obsessed with him that also apparently tried to make out w him#the same trip that my best friend of five years told me he hated having me in his hometown to see him graduate.#this was after i found out my cat had been murdered and mutilated and thrown in my granma's garden . that day happened to be my birthday#because my ma was kind enough to drive me and my lil brother down there to go see him graduate bc he was also supposed to move in w us the#month after . and he told me right after i got home that he 'didn't think it would be good for our relationship' and apparently#just didn't know how to tell me until a month before it was supposed to happen . bonkers times over here#anyway i didn't want to make out with him . he cried after i wouldn't have sex w him just last december . which i specifically got high as#shit to avoid . and i dont even have like. actual examples of what i was doing wrong to go off of so now i just get to live in mystery#forever ig. like shocker that the person that's been my best friend for five years would tell his husband to say that to me and not say that#shit to me himself . this is a wild to me . i feel like im going insane . can anybody even hear me what's going on#you know its bad when your mama gets so sick of you crying over a friend that she hugs you for the first time in years#also i cant sleep my head hurts . crying is evil . devils liquid . might watch rpdr or something . still nauseous over the idea of being#into him romantically btw . like still nauseous over that . like what a fucking insult to our entire friendship#does saying that we may as well have been made of the same atoms mean like . nothing . does nothing ive said to or about him not mean anythi#ng if its not romantic in nature . what did i do that wasnt enough for him. i fucking told him he outgrew me and that was fine i just#wanted to know if we were still friends or not and he said we were and i believed him. if he told me the sky was green i would make it so#ripping my hair out . am i being dramatic . am i the only person that wasn't expecting this . am i the only one that didn't know#when i had to tell people who knew about the moving plans that he changed his mind the first fucking thing i was told was “i thought it migh#t happen.“ WELL I FUCKINH DIDN'T . AND NOBODY TOLD ME#this is like . the second most humiliating moment of my life . aside from movinggate because at least nobody irl has to know about this#anyway . this boy could've taken my blood and i'd sit there and smile while he did it because he was my best friend .#i was so glad we got to grow up together. i miss him already. im taking my little brother to school my myself for the first time and all im#gonna wanna do is tell him about it . im tired . i want to sleep . im still so nauseous . did none of it mean anything just because ive#never and will never like him romantically. does that make everything less worthy somehow#i hope he never talks to me again. i dont think i could handle this again. he let is fucking husband say that shit to me. not him.#puppmeo misery
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snapbackslide · 1 month
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i’m sorry you haven’t been feeling well lately! :( i hope you get things figured out soon and feel better! that’s never a fun situation to be in! 😭😭 def appreciate you sm, am here if you need anything!
it sucks but i guess it's just part of healing.. constant ups and downs. it's exhausting 🙃 but thank you so much, i'm really grateful for you
#that's mental health for ya#always wondering if i should try and patch things up with people and then thinking 'well if they wanted me back they would reach out'#why do i always gotta be the person to confront others and try to fix things like no! i'm sick of it#you got a problem? talk to me! you miss me? talk to me! i did something that hurt you? fucking talk to me!!#how am i supposed to know something's bothering you if every time i ask if you're okay#you either say yes or you say no and you don't wanna talk about it. i can't read your mind. especially through a screen#you make no effort to hang out with me in person and i always have to be the one to drive to your house and we never do anything#you never offer to come to me instead you never suggest ideas i always have to come up with a bunch of activities then you reject them all#then you cry about being lonely and having no friends but you don't even invest in the ones you do have#she's gonna end up alone with this attitude. to be rejected by friends has left me completely lonely but at least my conscience's clear#if loneliness is the price i have to pay for peace and good karma then i will pay that price every single time#it's not worth it. they don't respond to texts - they keep cancelling plans - they never ask how i'm doing - it's not worth it.#i'm not gonna keep trying and giving my all to people who can barely lift a finger for me#the silver lining in all this is that i've found myself back - the me from before heartbreak who was a REALLY good friend to people#all it took was losing so many people i loved deeply and again - that's a small price to pay#instead of going to war for others just to find out they'd let me die out there - i'm going to war for MYSELF#because I'M worth it and i would KILL to have a friend like me. so. self worth over fake friends#even if that means i have to spend another fall and another birthday and another christmas and new years alone. so be it#answered#🫶🏻
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gghoulish · 5 months
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my mother passed away on the 2nd and while many people who've been around me know she wasn't the best mother, it's still a loss and something to adapt to. so i wanted to share some of her favorite characters of mine even if just visually via sims. i've only shared a few of them here, but in order their names are teruki, sai, rei, bada, theo, kazuya, livewire, and giacinto. i've tried very hard not to give up on my writing these last few years and in the last month i wrote nearly 30k between a novel project and fleshing out ocs. one of the few things i connected with my mother over other than gaming or movies was my ocs, and i shared most all of them with her as of the last eight years. i'm sad she couldn't see the end of this novel since it was probably her favorite work of mine, but i'm trying my best to finish it, not just for her, but even more importantly, for me and my own happiness.
in her last year i tried really hard to help give her the holidays and experiences she wanted. i didn't get to give her every single one, or i couldn't do it exactly as she wanted, but i think one of the most important things to her was being able to, despite us being pretty poor, give me two gifts that really made me happy and have helped me to regulate. i haven't spoken about anoko on here because chiikawa isn't too huge on here compared to twitter, but having these plushies and my interest in anoko brought us closer together and these two have made me happier, helped me to have less nightmares and anxiety, and overall improved my life. it sounds stupid to say but as an autistic person with a lot of trauma, stuffed animals were a safe thing for me, but i hadn't had one in a long time that i connected with. i think she probably knew how much i needed them, so i'm grateful she helped me to get them even when they were really expensive. they really did and do make me happy, and i'm glad that even for years of turmoil in our relationship, you could leave off on a good note.
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marcvscicero · 7 months
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(just a very long rant, feel 100% free to ignore, it’s just to vent somewhere, could’ve ranted even more but apparently 30 tags is the limit whoops 🤭🤭)
#life is so bad lately i feel like i’ve tried absolutely everything and things never improve they just get worse somehow#it’s like i think things can’t get any worse and then somehow they do#and they do so even as i’m putting in so much effort to try and improve the already bad things#🧍‍♂️ i just ?? what do i do now ?? when i’ve tried everything ??#like i’m being soooo genuinely when i say tht dying feels like the only thing left but like. i don’t even WANT to die. it just feels like#the only road left to take 🧍‍♂️ and ik that’s fucked up but honestly there is nothing left for me lol 🧍‍♂️#and to make things worse i actually think that the few ppl i have in my life r becoming just as sick of me as i am of myself#which rly scares me bc the only reason i have to stay alive is the ppl in my life and my pets that is it#but i just can’t fake it like i used to like i used to be soooo good at hiding things#but now things have gotten so bad that i can’t hide them bc they are actively ruining my life and making me do things or not do things that#other ppl can see#so even though i tell ppl i’m fine they just don’t believe it and like yeah fairs bc it’s very obvious i’m not#it’s also incredibly embarrassing like i’m 25 this month and i live at home and all my irl friends have moved away and got big girl jobs and#are doing things with their lives so i haven’t even seen a single friend in months and months like i think the last time i saw a friend was#halloween… halloween!!!!! aka october last year!!!!!#and i only work one day a week bc i left my old proper job bc i thought i was going to kill myself and kept taking more and more time off#so i’m very poor and i’m very much in debt and i can’t pay it off bc i spend so much money self medicating bc i’m convinced there’s somethin#seriously seriously wrong with my body and i’m always in pain or extreme nausea but the doctors have ignored me so many times and just shut#me down or made me feel stupid or said everything looks fine when i know it isn’t#and i’m also 99% convinced i’ve got quite severe autism and the doctor basically confirmed it lol but she said that on the nhs the current#waiting list is about 4-5 years so i may as well turn to the internet and do research myself since even if u get an official diagnosis#there’s no meds or real cure for it other than learning how to cope#except im also convinced that with the autism i have a lot of strong adhd traits so like. i know it’s bad but i buy adhd meds online and i#don’t even abuse them i take them to literally help me like they’re meant to but bc it’s obvs not allowed it’s so expensive#and i already have no fuckingn money so every single month is hell bc i’m either rationing them to make them last longer#OR i’m taking them but with the knowledge that it means i’ll run out sooner and have more days with NONE#and every day is just full of immense guilt too for doing this bc it’s not technically allowed and i should be doing better things with what#i do pay my mum some money each month towards housekeeping/bills/etc but it isn’t much at all and i know she deserves more#also i either sleep 0 hours a night or 20 there’s no balance and it’s fucking ridiculous i’ve tried EVERYTHING to no avail#i
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#don’t read this if you don’t want to hear about weight loss (unintentional due to health issues)#i’ve been struggling really bad to eat for the latter half of this year which is something i’ve been having issues w the last couple years#but with weed i was still able to eat decent meals and snacks in the evening and i had been slowly gaining weight until this summer#and i’ve always been a little chunky#but i’ve lost at least 30 pounds in the last ~6 months bc i am just unable to eat really at all#everything makes me nauseous or want to gag and when i cook meals i can make myself eat a couple bites so im not starving any more but#i can’t finish anything#and i can only eat in the evenings#from the time i wake up till about 8pm i maybe have a box of apple juice#and ive had a couple appts w my primary care dr and she straight up doesn’t care i asked for an appetite stimulant previously and she just#upped my migraine med instead….and then when i went back and had lost more weight she said she couldn’t even give me#an appetite stimulant and that i would need a referral for a nutritionist…….#and that she wouldn’t be concerned at all if i weren’t losing weight…#and today i was complaining to my mom about how loose my leggings were and i really don’t want to buy new clothes and she was like you know#that’s actually a good thing#you starving every day for fucking months is a good thing actually :)))))))#i’m just so sick of it…i’m sick of my coworkers complimenting me when i am starving and can’t do anything about it….sick of my doctor not#caring bc im still overweight so since i don’t look like im dying it must not be a problem#i don’t know what’s causing this and i don’t know what to do……i miss enjoying food it was one of the very few pleasures i have in life#im tired of unintentionally being an asshole at work bc im so hungry and i feel like shit but if i try to eat ill vom#cant watch food videos on youtube anymore bc they make me ill#cant read anything that mentions food or describes what people are eating anymore bc it makes me gag#im just sick of this#maybe i’ll try to find a new doctor#as if i can afford to go
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infiniteglitterfall · 8 months
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know someone who enjoys horror stories? share this one! it's true!
hahahahahahahahahaha aarrggghhhhhhhhhh 3,000,000 deaths due to COVID-19 last year. Globally. Three million. Case rates higher than 90% of the rest of the pandemic. The reason people are still worried about COVID is because it has a way of quietly fucking up your body. And the risk is cumulative.
I'm going to say that again: the risk is cumulative.
It's not just that a lot of people get bad long-term effects from it. One in seven or so? Enough that it's kind of the Russian Roulette of diseases. It's also that the more times you get it, the higher that risk becomes. Like if each time you survived Russian Roulette, the empty chamber was removed from the gun entirely. The worst part is that, psychologically, we have the absolute opposite reaction. If we survive something with no ill effects, we assume it's pretty safe. It is really, really hard to override that sense of, "Ok, well, I got it and now I probably have a lot of immunity and also it wasn't that bad." It is not a respiratory disease. Airborne, yes. Respiratory disease, no: not a cold, not a flu, not RSV.
Like measles (or maybe chickenpox?), it starts with respiratory symptoms. And then it moves to other parts of your body. It seems to target the lungs, the digestive system, the heart, and the brain the most.
It also hits the immune system really hard - a lot of people are suddenly more susceptible to completely unrelated viruses. People get brain fog, migraines, forget things they used to know.
(I really, really hate that it can cross the blood-brain barrier. NOTHING SHOULD EVER CROSS THE BLOOD-BRAIN BARRIER IT IS THERE FOR A REASON.) Anecdotal examples of this shit are horrifying. I've seen people talk about coworkers who've had COVID five or more times, and now their work... just often doesn't make sense? They send emails that say things like, "Sorry, I didn't mean Los Angeles, I meant Los Angeles."
Or they insist they've never heard of some project that they were actually in charge of a year or two before.
Or their work is just kind of falling apart, and they don't seem to be aware of it.
People talk about how they don't want to get the person in trouble, so their team just works around it. Or they describe neighbors and relatives who had COVID repeatedly, were nearly hospitalized, talked about how incredibly sick they felt at the time... and now swear they've only had it once and it wasn't bad, they barely even noticed it.
(As someone who lived with severe dissociation for most of my life, this is a genuinely terrifying idea to me. I've already spent my whole life being like, "but what if I told them that already? but what if I did do that? what if that did happen to me and I just don't remember?") One of its known effects in the brain is to increase impulsivity and risk-taking, which is real fucking convenient honestly. What a fantastic fucking mutation. So happy for it on that one. Yes, please make it seem less important to wear a mask and get vaccinated. I'm not screaming internally at all now.
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I saw a tweet from someone last year whose family hadn't had COVID yet, who were still masking in public, including school.
She said that her son was no kind of an athlete. Solidly bottom middle of the pack in gym.
And suddenly, this year, he was absolutely blowing past all the other kids who had to run the mile. He wasn't running any faster. His times weren't fantastic or anything. It's just that the rest of the kids were worse than him now. For some reason. I think about that a lot. (Like my incredibly active six-year-old getting a cold, and suddenly developing post-viral asthma that looked like pneumonia.
He went back to school the day before yesterday, after being home for a month and using preventative inhalers for almost week.
He told me that it was GREAT - except that he couldn't run as much at recess, because he immediately got really tired. Like how I went outside with him to do some yard work and felt like my body couldn't figure out how to increase breathing and heart rate.
I wasn't physically out of breath, but I felt like I was out of breath. That COVID feeling people describe, of "I'm not getting enough air." Except that I didn't have that problem when I had COVID.) Some people don't observe any long (or medium) term side effects after they have it.
But researchers have found viral reservoirs of COVID-19 in everyone they've studied who had it.
It just seems to hang out, dormant, for... well, longer than we've had an opportunity to observe it, so far.
(I definitely watched that literal horror movie. I think that's an entire genre. The alien dormant under ice in the Arctic.)
(oh hey I don't like that either!!!!!!!!!) All of which is to explain why we should still care about avoiding it, and how it manages to still cause excess deaths. Measuring excess deaths has been a standard tool in public health for a long time.
We know how many people usually die from all different causes, every year. So we can tell if, for example, deaths from heart disease have gone way up in the past three years, and look for reasons. Those are excess deaths: deaths that, four years ago, would not have happened. During the pandemic, excess death rates have been a really important tool. For all sorts of reasons. Like, sometimes people die from COVID without ever getting tested, and the official cause is listed as something else because nobody knows they had COVID. But also, people are dying from cardiovascular illness much younger now.
People are having strokes and heart attacks younger, and more often, than they did before the pandemic started. COVID causes a lot of problems. And some of those problems kill people. And some of them make it easier for other things to kill us. Lung damage from COVID leading to lungs collapsing, or to pneumonia, or to a pulmonary embolism, for example. The Economist built a machine-learning model with a 95% confidence interval that gauges excess death statistics around the world, to tell them what the true toll of the ongoing COVID pandemic has been so far.
Total excess deaths globally in 2023: Three million.
3,000,000.
Official COVID-19 deaths globally so far: Seven million. 7,000,000. Total excess deaths during COVID so far: Thirty-five point two million. 35,200,000.
Five times as many.
That's bad. I don't like that at all. I'm glad last year was less than a tenth of that. I'm not particularly confident about that continuing, though, because last year we started a period of really high COVID transmission. Case rates higher than 90% of the rest of the pandemic. Here's their data, and charts you can play with, and links to detailed information on how they did all of this:
Here's a non-paywalled link to it:
https://archive.vn/2024.01.26-012536/https://www.economist.com/graphic-detail/coronavirus-excess-deaths-estimates
Oh: here's a link to where you can buy comfy, effective N95 masks in all sizes:
Those ones are about a buck each after shipping - about $30 for a box of 30. They also have sample packs for a dollar, so you can try a couple of different sizes and styles.
You can wear an N95 mask for about 40 total hours before the effectiveness really drops, so that's like a dollar for a week of wear.
They're also family-owned and have cat-shaped masks and I really love them. These ones are cuter and in a much wider range of colors, prints, and styles, but they're also more expensive; they range from $1.80 to $3 for a mask. ($18-$30 for a box of ten.)
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littlestpersimmon · 1 month
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Hi guys. Am sick rn, but had wanted to post this before I go and sleep.
Some of you may already know that patreon sent out an update that charges anyone using ios to subscribe to artist's patreons 30% more.
I immediately feel this impact mere hours later, and now, days later. I'm hemorrhaging patrons & have less income. It would mean the while world to me if you guys could please reblog this.
If you use the desktop version or the android app? you will not have to pay 30% more. Needless to say this decision of apple has completely fucked me over months and months to come, unless I somehow make up for my loss by other means.
My patreon is only a dollar a month!
I have around 400 exclusive artwork on it :)
I am working on uploading more art there, and more comics once I am done with my current contract as a comic artist.
I am currently partially homeless- so being alive in general is hard ;y; I wanted to focus more of my work on patreon, until this update- I only have one tier.
I am working as hard as I can, every month ♡ I am also the caretaker of three disabled people- as my dad, who used to do all the housework, is now too sick with a swollen liver that could possibly be connected to his heart problems, and my mama who has limited movement- she "died" of sepsis many years ago after giving birth to my sister, and was revived with nerve damage. I don't know the medical terms, but she was brain dead for however long, and was successfully brought back in a different hospital. She was comatose for months; this event has lead to my family losing everything in hospital bills, our car, our house (literally we became homeless) ah. But long story short, I am the only person in my family who works- as my sister is a teenager, and she is autistic with a very, very low frustration threshold, as she is also a picky eater and still going to school! I'm sorry, many of my followers already know this story by now, I have already doxxed myself multiple times trying to avert crisis after crisis, ahaha. But yes. Patreon added to my cart of Sorrows, and would love to have more folks who aren't using apple, or are using android and the web to come on over and maybe enjoy some of my private art up there. I post around 3-6 art a month, if I am lucky 7. I want to keep making art, and my patreon was what was giving me a semblance of stability until that silly update. Sorry for the long post, and I appreciate everyone helping, reblogging, saying kind words to me, praying for me. G-d bless you all, and stay safe
My patreon:
Direct tipping jar:
My print shop!
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hanasnx · 7 months
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MINORS DNI 18+
! ── BABY DADDY!JASON TODD who can't come around more than once or twice a year. His way of life isn't sustainable for a home, and it certainly isn't safe for a daughter. You and him decided it was best to part ways before that positive pregnancy test, and since he discovered a kid he helped make it didn't change his level of involvement. He's got a lot of eyes on him, and he can't draw attention to anything important to him.
! ── Your daughter adores him. She squeals with delight every time he visits, running full barrel towards him so he can scoop her up. Unbeknownst to her your concern with how he found you again, and how he broke in to the apartment. Apparently running and hiding is not enough when you face the Red Hood. You reluctantly greet him with a half-assed kiss on the cheek, wrapping your arm around his neck to incline him towards you. Your daughter on his hip takes full advantage of hugging you both at the same time, and pressed against your former lover makes you tight-lipped.
! ── He's dangerous for a number of reasons that span beyond what any angry enemy of his would do if they found out where he's been going. You're most afraid of what he's able to make you do the longer you're with him. Only able to hold onto your anger for so long until he melts that cold exterior and somehow convinces you to let him warm your bed again.
! ── He's got it down to a science. As soon as you give him that scathing look, he tells your daughter to run along because "Mommy and Daddy have to talk." while she thoughtfully strokes his chin with her little hand, only to nod with an audible sigh, shaking out her wild hair she won't let you brush. With a little push to her back, she scampers off to her room and he stands to his full height. "I just wanted to see her." he tells you, with that pleading tone you've fallen for countlessly because he knows you're going to say: "It's not safe." for the thousandth time.
! ── He'll tower over you, incline towards you while you scold him under your breath. A hushed argument ensues that your daughter tries to listen in on, and can only hear bits and pieces about how she's not owned, and her dad should get to see her. Stuff she doesn't understand, especially because she can't understand his lack of presence being such a complicated thing when she has no sense of object permanence. If a dad refuses to be there more, it's a problem. You want to cut Jason out completely. That's not fair, as he'll tell you, to the daughter you get to keep.
! ── It's in the way he stands next to you. He's so much taller than you, broader, and muscled. He bulks up more and more every time you see him. He doesn't use his size to intimidate you, rather takes advantage of something else. Big hands stuffed in his back pockets make his leather jacket sit on his wide shoulders exquisitely. His hair is windblown from his motorbike and just the smell of him has a dangerous Pavlov effect on you. Like your eyes want to flutter as they roll into the back of your head and lightning shoots straight down to your core, stinging at the memory of what it's like to be filled by him. The longer you're with him, the thinner your resolve becomes. It evaporates in front of you as he sweeps a hand through his hair, and his posture slacks. "C'mon." he drags out the word playfully, advancing on you. Your hand interrupts him, bracing on his firm chest to keep him from coming closer. "Can't we talk about something else? You're getting me all worked up. Missed you."
You roll your jaw, that resolve slipping. Addicted to him, you're reticent as his tongue darts out to wet his lips while he's eyeing yours. "Jay..." you murmur, and he can hear the defeat in your voice.
! ── "Lucky we got a sitter, huh?" Jason's smug voice cuts through the wet sounds of sex that fills the room. "Now I get some time with my other little girl." That sick delight causes you to reach back, weakly banging your fist against his thigh. He snickers, wolfish and husky resounding from the back of his throat. "Mommy's been missing me, huh? Can feel her clenching down on me like a fuckin' vice."
His thick cock hurts stretching you out, but you needed that pain. There's something about Jason that keeps you saying yes, and it pushed through your requirement of foreplay, unbuckling that belt in haste, comfort be damned you wanted that dick. You're on all fours and he's giving it to you from the back, just how you like it, fucking you like a dog while his hand tangles all up in your hair. He yanks you back by it, and you can't even think of what to say other than mindless pleasured babbles.
"You let me do this every time I come over. Seems like you fuck with me or something." It's true, regardless of the cruel insults you've thrown at him to get him to stay away from you, it's all because you can't say no to him. It's the reason you got pregnant, it's the reason you can't run away far enough, and it's the reason you fuck him every time he comes to visit the kid he helped make.
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pixiesndberries · 9 months
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𝐃𝐄𝐀𝐑 𝐅𝐔𝐓𝐔𝐑𝐄 𝐇𝐔𝐒𝐁𝐀𝐍𝐃, 𝐉𝐉𝐊 𝐌𝐄𝐍 —
a small series of Jujutsu Kaisen men as your husband !
☆ OUR STARS : Gojo Satoru, Nanami Kento, Geto Suguru, Choso Kamo, Aoi Todo, Toji Fushiguro, and more !
━ REQUESTED BY : none
━⁠ WARNINGS : none
ෆ PIXIE'S NOTE ! : were back again at daily posting 🙏🏻 to my pookies who supported me, y'all made me giggle and kickin' my feet in my bed last night 👉🏻👈🏻 love lots!
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GOJO SATORU, as your husband !
• Gojo being your husband is no different from being your boyfriend — he still gotta be that same person you dated few years ago, though he became more serious about situations and decisions because you guys are married but his goofy, annoying, clingy side is still there — I mean when he met you and been with you for like two weeks your caller name is already set as 'wifey'.
Gojo who totally acts like a mom when you leave for work, he is like a freaking HOUSEWIFE —
"honey!" he sings as he walks into the living room seeing you brush your hair Infront of the mirror, getting ready for work. "hmm?" you responded and quickly turns your head at him — he's wearing a this is what an awesome husband looks like apron which made you too stunned to speak, "I created a bento for you." he smiles as he hands out a nicely wrapped bento box which was really new to you because it's always you who keep creating bentos for him, usually when he leaves for a mission.
"thank you, honey." you say softly with a warm smile as you accept his bento that he specially created for you, he can't help but to feel like a love sick teenager seeing you smile like that. He officially takes the position of being a housewife 🫡
Gojo who couldn't stop talking about the future he wants with you like nonstop — this man would talk about having three million carbon copy of him with you and would name them after megumi, yuji, nanami and basically all of his friends, students, and dead relatives 🏃🏻‍♀️💨 — I FEEL LIKE HE GOTTA BE THAT TYPE OF PERSON.
Gojo always flexes you everyday and YOU are his hyper fixation — argue with the wall, he gotta be the type of man to say "she's my wife." randomly when he's talking to an old friend he haven't seen for a long time. HE WILL BE THE HUSBAND WHO YOU WILL SEE WEARING "I LOVE MY WIFE" TYPE OF SHIRT WITH THE UGLIEST FONT AND PHOTO TEMPLATE EVER. Once a person mentions your name he ain't gonna shut the fuck up.
I just know this marriage go'n be like Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively's relationship 🙏🏻 ABSOLUTELY RANDOM TEXTS FROM HIM, UPDATING YOU TOO MUCH.
2:32 pm
gojo : shitting at the mall cuz i don't have anywhere to shit on.
gojo : [sent an attachment]
gojo : i miss you my wife, my beautiful wife.
gojo : [sent an attachment]
gojo : [sent an attachment]
gojo : your very handsome husband ❤️
2:40 pm
you : stop spamming me messages love, im at work 🙏🏻
gojo : why? is it turning you on 😏
you : that's a photo of your feet.
Gojo who became a seriously hands on person when you told him that you're pregnant — when he has missions with yuji, megumi, or maybe nobara and you told him that you're very tired to do anything today he will be like,"okay kids, I got to go I have important things to do." and dashed away before they could say something and mf arrived at yalls house within a second.
Gojo who cried when he carry his baby for the first time, he was sobbing like hell — girl dad? boy dad? BRO HE IS BOTH ‼️ "okay we'll name this one suguru and this one-" he is going to come up with the most ridiculous names, probably the worst one was his dead ancestor.
okay seriously, Gojo would be a full time dad after his children were born — he will always stay at home as much as he can, having twins isn't easy plus he's trying to help you with his full power and make sure you don't feel alone through this.
"gojo.." you grumble as you felt his presence disappearing next to you at bed, you open your eyes and sees he wasn't there which led you to stand up and start looking for him — you walk out of the bedroom and noticed that the twin's bedroom door was open so you check it out.
in your suprise, gojo was in the rocking chair with the twin's in his arms peacefully sleeping and he is snoring like hell. You can't help but smile seeing this moment, it warms you heart. You quickly grabbed your phone and took a quick photo, this is what you exactly wished for.
Gojo who couldn't stop posting you and his little angels and his fans are absolutely living for it, it's like his day wouldn't complete without posting cute photos of his angels and of course, you as well. Gojo is indeed a Facebook mom —
; gojosatoru
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tagged : @y/n.instagram | fam time 🤍 !
liked by megumi.22 and 8,957 others
itaaa.yuji | I volunteer as a tribute to babysit them 🫡
nobaraaa | CUTIES.
shokoleiri.7 | adorbs
─ REBLOGS, LIKES, AND COMMENTS ARE APPRECIATED FEEL FREE TO REQUEST!
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whimsyprinx · 1 year
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im so glad that kane reads webcomics as well because none of my few friends seem to read webcomics (correct me if I’m wrong) and thus I have no one to discuss them with
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