#i know she wanted to make things up to me for years of being sick and absent and also awful at times
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Hey 💜💜 wondering if you could write something where Damian and reader have been trying to have a baby for so long, and they've done all the treatments, but nothing ever worked, so they’ve stopped "trying". And then she ends up pregnant randomly, and her gift to him on Christmas is a positive test or a cute onesie or whatever, and it takes him a minute to actually believe her 💜💜
i love this request so much! working on it!
damian priest x reader
likes, comments and reblogs are always appreciated!
‼️mention of infertility, pregnancy, pregnancy sickness, a little angst, mention of smut, fluff and comfort‼️
early christmas present
one year and a half.
one year and a half of you and damian trying to have a family together. one year and a half of you going from doctor to doctor, clinic to clinic and changing different treatments and yet nothing ever happened.
maybe it wasn’t meant to be. maybe you and damian weren’t fit to be parents and this was the sign. maybe it wasn’t meant for you to be a mother in this lifetime, no matter how much you wanted to be.
and you spent a year and a half blaming yourself. you reached to a point where you tried to break up with damian, saying how he deserved someone who could give him a family.
he thought you were crazy when you said that. he loved you so much and the idea of losing you was killing him, so, after a lot of therapy sessions, sleepless nights crying in each other’s arms, you came to the conclusion that it wasn’t really meant to be and that there was nothing you could do about it.
the idea of being infertile never crossed your mind so it was a big shock to you but as time passed by, you learned how to live with that and instead of focusing on the bad things, you took your life back.
a few people in the company knew or more - heard - about you and damian not being able to have kids and tried to suggest you many different options, from adoption to surrogacy but even if they seemed having good intentions, it pain you to know that your own problems became public domain.
you and damian lived your life. he promised to stay by your side and he did. he knew how much you wanted this and he was hurting at the idea of you feeling like it was your fault.
you found strength to take your mind off of that and focusing on different things. helping damian training, having dates like it was your first time together, spending much needed time in each other’s company. all the little things you loved that felt lost a year ago.
passionate nights with damian, him reminding you how much he loved you and appreciated you. you felt like yourself again and you got used of being just you and him, even if it meant for the rest of your life.
about a week ago you got sick. thinking it was just a normal cold, you let it go. but it got worse when the delicious smell of fresh bread and coffee became unbearable for you and got you nauseous every single morning.
“stomach issues again?” damian softly asked when he saw the disgust painted on your face.
“i think so…it smells so bad damian” you tried to joke when damian backed off so he could drink his coffee without making you feel worse.
“do you want me to make you something else? eggs? bacon? pancakes? anything you like?” he was so caring with you but the idea of eating made you even sicker.
“i feel like i could throw up the whole menu” you said making him laugh “i booked an appointment for today, i’m having a check up, maybe i got some virus or something…nothing too serious” you tried to remain calm but the idea of being sick for so long made you worry.
“i wish i could come with you but i promised rhea i would help her train…let me call her so i can come with you” he was about to pick up the phone but you stopped him.
“it’s not necessary damian, i promise” you smiled “she needs you, i’ll see you later on tonight” he knew that you wouldn’t have let him ditch rhea for a simple check up and he knew that no matter what he said, you wouldn’t let him come.
he nodded, moving the coffee away so he could properly kiss you before you left the house.
a couple of hours later and you were sitting in your car, watching the people passing by as you were trying to elaborate what the doctor just told you.
you weren’t sick - you were pregnant.
you were pretty sure it was impossible for you but all the tests the doctor ran turned positive.
how?
when?
your mind was racing and you couldn’t stop the million thoughts that were going through it.
sure, you and damian stopped having sex with condoms when you were trying to have a baby and when you learned that you couldn’t have kids you never really cared about safe sex anyway.
but how did it happen if you were infertile?
the doctor didn’t have a proper answer and he already scheduled some appointments to keep you checked, saying that it was almost a miracle.
right now, you were thinking about damian.
how were you going to tell him?
many ideas crossed your mind. from a mug with “best dad”, to a small t-shirt or maybe even a teddy bear.
you wanted to make this special for him too so when you crossed a shoe store on your drive back home, you decided to stop and get some inspiration. immediately your eyes fell upon a baby version of the black nike sneakers he had and you thought it was going to be an awesome gift.
your baby wasn’t even born and yet you were buying matching shoes for them and damian. while wrapping the box, the sale assistant smiled at you, unconsciously knowing that you had in mind.
you couldn’t contain your excitement and enthusiasm so you tried to speed back home.
too much surprise damian was already back and he was watching something show when you entered the front door.
his eyes immediately fell upon you, remembering you had the visit that morning.
“hey mi amor” he smiled “how are you? feeling better? what did the doctor say?” thousands of questions immediately echoed in the room, making you chuckle.
“one question at a time damian” you smiled sitting next to him on the couch “i’m feeling better, thanks, and the doctor gave me an explanation on why i keep getting sick, especially in the morning” you tried not to be so excited but it was hard.
“so?” damian was worried. he couldn’t understand why you were so happy and smiley.
instead of giving him an answer, you took the box right out of your bag and gave it to him “let say this is an early christmas present…and also the reason on why i’m always so sick” you watched him look between you and the box “come on, open it” you smiled.
damian carefully opened the small box and for a moment his heart stopped.
mini shoes? he wasn’t understanding.
and then it clicked.
“what? how? is this real?” his eyes moved between your now teary eyes and the little shoes he was holding in his hands “is it real?”
you nodded, not being able to find enough words.
“we’re gonna be parents?” he asked, now fully already knowing the answer.
“yes…” your voice broke a little but the joy filling the room was worth all of the tears you were shedding.
“this is the best gift i could ever ask for” he wrapped you in his arms and held you as you both cried of joy.
“i already booked the next appointments. the doctor wants to run some more tests and try to understand how i actually got pregnant…and we have an ultrasound appointment in a week too…we’re gonna see the baby soon” you cried onto damian’s shoulder.
“fuck, i love you so much mi amor” he quickly wiped off his tears before softly kiss your lips “and i can’t believe you got us matching shoes” he bursted out laughing.
“i can’t wait to get you matching clothes, matching pjs, matching socks, everything gonna be matching” you joked, making him even happier.
damian’s hand went over your belly “i can’t wait to meet you baby…” he softly spoke making your heart warm “you are already so loved…we love you so much, mama and papa…i can’t believe i’m saying this” he was still high on emotions and you couldn’t blame him.
maybe it really was a christmas miracle.
#wwe#wwe x reader#wwe imagine#wwe x you#wwe imagines#wwe one shot#wwe x oc#wwe damian priest#damian priest x reader#damian priest#damian priest fanfic#damian priest imagines#wwe damian#damian priest smut#damian priest wwe#damian priest imagine#damian priest x oc#damian priest x you#wwe damian priest x reader#damian priest x y/n#damian priest x female reader#damian priest and reader#damian priest fluff#damian priest angst#damian priest one shot#damian priest oneshot#damian priest x me lol#the judgment day x reader#the judgment day x you#the judgment day one shot
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from this ask | fat fem! reader | asshole oc for story purposes
simon riley really did live up to his nickname ghost with the way he followed you from place to place and any obstacles didn't matter to him, not when it came to know if you were safe or not.
he knew your schedule like his own and after years of being together it was just natural and simon couldn't just give up on the notion that you weren't his wife anymore so that's why he calls you everyday.
it could be about the weather, if things around your apartment need to be fixed, or if any men are hitting on you at your job because the idea of you moving on makes him sick to his stomach with dreadful pain.
but the first thing he always asks is are you okay love? because he wants to know if you are doing alright, perhaps without him and it seems that you're struggling with it all as well.
so when you ask simon to crash your date when you're halfway through dinner because he keeps making odd comments that put you on edge the moment you two sat down from each other there was no way he wouldn't help you.
your date was polite at first but something in your gut was warning you to text simon a simple word. red. he knew what it would mean.
"i'll be right back, i just need to freshen up." you murmured with a fake smile as you grabbed your purse and stood up knowing that if you were to be honest he could flip out and do something crazy.
your date nodded looking you up and down with a slight lip curl. "you could've dressed better and sprayed more perfume." his words were said so nonchalantly like they couldn't hurt a person's feelings.
you couldn't get away from his faster.
once in the bathroom you leaned against the wall pulling up simon's contact, the picture was of him and the cat you had custody of, princess q-tip who you had to beg him to do it but gave in quickly.
white with blue eyes and spoiled since you weren't too sure on having kids with his job, while you would love to have a baby with him it was the practical thing to do right now.
instead of texting you called him.
hearing simon's rough voice made the hair on the back of your neck stand. "hello? everthing ollright love?" the use of your nickname had your mouth going dry knowing you only had so much time.
"i'm on a date and its in the red, if you're busy i know i can always call the guys too and one of them can save me." your words tumbled out in a rush you were nervous he didn't hear and you'd have to repeat it.
in the background you heard the television click off and simon grunt as he stood up to get dressed. "send me your location." he hung up giving you some time to prepare yourself before going back out.
when you came back your date was flirting with the waitress, his eyes undressing her as she stood there until she finally saw you and smiled awkwardly before leaving you two alone.
"don't worry about her, your rack is a lot bigger." he told you with a wink and tipped his beer back all but chugging the thing as you watched with a slack jaw, you weren't offended when insults came from people who were clearly miserable with themselves.
the moment you leaned down to grab your water cup to splash him with it you smelt him before you felt his hand on your hip giving it a squeeze as he towered over the table casting a shadow over it.
his intense gaze cut through the air like sharp daggers intimidating the man who looked up at your ex-husband who pulled on his mask for old time-sake. "she's coming home with me." simon told him.
there was no arguing from your date which only made you laugh mentally as simon guided you away from the table and prying eyes, his lips brushing against your ear. "you deserve a lot better than that."
his words were laced with a profound sense of sadness and his sentence had a double meaning. "thank you for saving me, i don't think i'm going to date for a while after all that." you murmured and let him walk you to his car and open the door as usual.
almost like you were both on autopilot.
simon listened as you told him about your date and you both laughed and joked about everything which was really what you needed and then when the porch light flicked on as simon pulled his car up into the driveway he knew he shouldn't ask but did so anyway.
"can i come in for a nightcap?" he asked turning to look at you before tugging his mask off, it was a rare sight that he never let anyone see.
without saying anything you leaned over and kissed his scarred cheek. "of course, i'll make your favorite." you told him with a grin feeling your heart ache at being so close to him again.
#honeywrites#simon x reader#call of duty x reader#call of duty#ghost x reader#ghost x you#ghost x y/n#simon riley x reader#simon riley x you#simon riley x y/n
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Soft-Play Love- Shiu Kong
You meet someone while taking your daughter to the softplay centre.
No use of (Y/n), Shiu and reader are both in their late 30s and have daughters, (D/n) = daughters name, "mummy"
dividers from @saradika-graphics
It had taken a month of begging from your daughter to finally take her to the soft play centre she loved oh so much. It wasn’t that you minded her being there—it was just that you knew the routine all too well: the first twenty minutes of her clinging to you , the next hour of boredom as you waited, then the inevitable meltdown when it was time to leave. Not to mention the sickness a few days later once the germs caught up with her, keeping her a grumpy mess for what seemed like an eternity. And like any other reasonable parent, you'd rather not deal with any of those things. If you'd been a bit younger when you had your babe, perhaps this wouldn't be so draining- but you weren't and it was.
Still, you couldn’t help but smile at her excited little face, knowing how much this meant to her- it was just a part of growing up, and so, begrudgingly, you spent your Saturday afternoon sat on a chipping, washed-out, squeaky chair; overstimulated by the merged sounds of high-pitched shrieks from feral children and smell of sickeningly sweet processed snacks. Truth be told, you hadn't seen your daughter for the last ten minutes - too engrossed in your book to acknowledge the passing time. The last few instances you had managed to catch sight of her she was accompanied by a young girl around the same age, who sported pigtails and a wide smile to show off the gleaming rows of wobbly teeth. It's not often she bothered at making friends so you were more than happy to let them be, but you figured it was time to warn her about leaving soon as the end of your session approached- knowing she would no doubt bring chaos in her wake.
"MUMMYYY!!" the all too familiar voice sounds from behind as she runs into view, her new found friend in hand.
"Me and Min-hee want ice cream!"
"Yes please!" the little girl added, her rosy cheeks squished in delight.
For a moment you considered saying no, but how could you? Not when two anticipating faces of faux angels looked up at you with such expectation.
"How about we ask Min-hee's parent if they are okay with it first?", you suggested, already reaching for your bag. "Then I’ll get you both some ice cream."
And in a blink the two girls were off, racing back into the chaos of the play area.
You figured that was the end of the conversation until they both reappeared, a tall and handsome man trailing after them with his gaze meeting yours. He seemed to be around your age, no older than forty which was rare to see and you perked up in interest. There were a few parents from your daughters year who were also in their late 30s but they were the least sociable of the cohort, either that or they had their biases about you being a single parent. It wasn't something you had ever foreseen. You and your then husband had been together for a long time beforehand and when your daughter had unexpectedly came you both saw it as a blessing. Though a few years after her arrival, fights began to frequently arise ; about his job, about household chores, about quality time, about trivial matters that never should've been a problem in the first place. You both tried to make it work but you had already drifted too far and- although not fully divorced- decided to separate. Now you both co-parent on good terms, though the unevenly split weeks still tend to be the subject of most disputes.
You stood up, snapped out of your daze, giving him a friendly smile, but for a moment, it felt like the words caught in your throat. It was one of those strange moments where the quiet between two strangers is just enough to make you second guess.
"Daddy! (D/n)'s mum wants to say something to you!"
"Oh—no, I just wanted to know if it’s alright for the girls to get ice cream," you blurted, suddenly feeling put on the spot, "I didn’t mean to drag you over here."
He smiled—an easy, small but genuine smile—and you felt a wave of relief. "It’s no problem. I don’t mind at all. Do you have a preference?", he asked, his voice deep, almost soothing.
"A preference?"
"Of ice cream flavor"
"Ah, no, thank you," you said, shaking your head. "I really don’t mind getting them myself." .
"It’s my treat," the tension between you both easing as he spoke.
"Then can I at least help you carry them back?"
"Of course", and he stepped aside, gesturing for you to follow him
The conversation was concluded by the badly hidden giggles of your girls who took turns whispering in each others ear. If you had to guess it would be D/n cracking poorly made jokes. If Shiu had to guess, his daughter would be up to something.
The table where the girls sat was right next to the restaurant so you had no qualms about leaving them for a few minutes as you followed Shiu into the queue.
"Do you come here often?" He starts, turning his body halfway to you. Each ray that streamed through the windows turned everything it touched into a fierce gold which bounced off the side of his face and into his eyes- creating splotches of sweet honeycomb too captivating to look away. It was almost as if the heavens were testing your resolve with how they shone down on him and you could only pray the light blocked his vision enough so that he didn't notice your prolonged stare.
"We used to but not so much anymore. D/n has been bugging me for weeks and I couldn't hold off any longer"
"That sounds about right" he chuckles dryly
"What about you?"
"It's our third time, I've been meaning to take her more but it's hard to find the time when there's only one of you"
You nod in excitement understanding, "I get it, there's only one of me too- and i could think of a thousand other things that need doing right now but..."
The two of you continued to talk, the subject straying slightly further from kids and more into your personal lives which you unexpectedly appreciated. Children were something you both had in common yes, but you hadn't had a proper conversation with another adult in a long while and it was nice to interact with someone as the original you for once- not mummy. He had an unspoken charisma about him, one that drew you in and you felt more and more compelled to ask about the mundane aspects of his day to day life- anything to fill the puzzle in your head of the intriguing man. Eventually the ice creams were served and although you initially joined him to help carry the two sizable bowls of sugar, he quickly scooped them up and asked another question before you could have a word of it.
"So," he said, voice low and subtly teasing, "do you think we’ll be able to handle two sugar-high kids at the same time?"
You raised an eyebrow, smirk tugging at the corner of your lips. "As long as they continue to entertain each other, but I’m sure we'll regret it regardless"
The girls were already bouncing in their seats, their eyes wide with excitement like little comical bunnies and you couldn’t help but chuckle. The two of you sat down next to each other engaging in conversation as the girls indulged in their own and suddenly the cheap plastic chair, bright fluorescent lights, and overbearing shouts of children became more comfortable than it had any right to be - blurring into the distance.
You seemed to bond with Shiu seamlessly, the two of you finding another who understood the hidden struggles of single parenting and you had wished it was as easy to talk to all of the parents you had to interact with; normally as a result of your daughters playdates where conversations consisted of watered down small talk.
Your discussion was cut short however as a loud beep echoed through the room—a reminder that your session was almost up and you prepared yourself for the oncoming tantrum.
"Ah, I’m afraid we need to get going soon," you said, carefully. "Our session's almost over."
The girls' faces fell. "Noo! Thats's not fair!" D/n whined, slumping in her seat.
You looked over at Shiu, feeling the irony of your disappointment as you not too long counted down the minutes until you could leave.
"Well, we’ll have to do it again sometime," he said, his voice warm.
"Definitely," you agreed, a tad too fast for your liking. "Maybe we could arrange a playdate for the girls? They seem to have hit it off."
Shiu’s smile softened. "That'd be great"
The girls erupt in squeals once again,
"Can we have a sleepover!?" (D/n) begged. "Please, please, can Min-hee come over?"
You and Shiu exchanged knowing, apologetic glances, and you reached for your phone, handing it to him.
"Here, I'll text you and we can figure out what works best"
He took the phone, his fingers brushing yours for just a second. "Sure thing." He quickly typed before handing it back to you. "Looking forward to it."
"Me too," you said, feeling a flutter of anticipation in your chest as you saved his number.
For some reason the simple exchange felt strangely significant, like the start of something new.
Please feel free to leave any ideas/ recommendations x
#dad!jjk#jjk x reader#shiu kong#jjk fanfic#jjk shiu#shiu x reader#jujustsu kaisen x reader#jjk fluff#shiu kong x reader#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#dad!Shiu#mum!reader
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It was horrid being in that clan. Having all your things stolen and taken from you all the time. Food, water, shelter, toys, even your own life. even if it wasn't necessary it would be taken in a heartbeat if you weren't strong enough. when the clan invaded, aryas home was stolen and destroyed, her grandmother and father perished leaving arya and her mother to be next. The head of the clan wanted her mom giving her the choice of killing arya and taking her or taking the both of them if she was willing to follow them which is what she chose.
Soon the head married aryas mother and made her bare Child after child after child all dying of hunger or neglect. Arya tried her damndest to feed them to help them but she was just as helpless. As arya grew older she stopped growing and her siblings just kept dying. the second of starvation, the third of sickness, the fourth killed, the fith and sixth starvation, and I couldn't even see the birth of the seventh when they ousted her from the clan.
Aryas mom was too weak and heavily pregnant to fight for her. She was beaten and left behind to die but somehow it felt numb to her. She was able to walk but her throat couldn't make sound, she was still alive so she started to learn how to survive in the wild. Knowing her mom was still in there in that clan, suffering, she could not just leave her behind so she followed the clan from a distance. It was hard to live, it was hard to learn how to survive in the wild in darkwood, in anura, in anchordeep, and especially in silkcradle. But in time she learned how to heal myself, how to harvest, how to use traps to my advantage and most importantly how to fight and hide, learning to burn her own arms in order to keep the growing wool to a minimum.
And as the years went by the body's left by the clan kept coming, and she knew some of them were her brothers and sisters. The eight of starvation, the ninth of sickness, the tenth murder, the eleventh and twelfth of starvation, it was happening all over again but this time arya couldn't even sing them to sleep.
And finally the body that produced all her siblings came. Her nightmare came to be. Her poor mother being to weak to birth the thirteenth was dying and was left behind. She was relieved To see me for the last time and told arya of her last wish. “Eat me. Gain strength to survive. You must survive. And if you can, you must avenge me. For what they did to you, to all your brothers and sisters and for what they did to their own kind. Eat me”
So she did. She ate her alive and continued when she died. She did not eat her womb. Arya buried it just like the other siblings I had when they all died. This was a nightmare, and the only way to wake up from it was to kill it. To kill them all.
~~~~~
Soooo this is the back story of arya :) I also did finally manage to design narinder and all the bishops with aym and baal so you'll be seeing more art from me!
I HOPE YOU GUYS LIKE IT AGAIN IM NEW HERE IM LEARNING SO IF SOMETHING IS AMISS PLEASE TELL ME I WILL TRY TO CORRECT MY ACTIONS
Also more context: the clan is actually a pillaging clan made of sheep that do raides on any other town or village that aren't them and believe the whole the strongest will survive which both arya and her mom suffered from the most arya in the first image being 7 years old and in the last around 15 to 16 years old
FUCK I FORGOT TO @teruuu sorry bbg
#tw blood#tw cannibalism#tw death#cotl#cult of the lamb#cotl lamb#cotl fanart#cult of the lamb fanart#seafood haters art
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man
#maybe im being pessimistic abt this. im not saying u should wear a mask every waking moment of your life god knows i cant#but also. hell no i dont trust u if anything i distrust u ppl even more after how things played out for the past 3 years#like there are situations where it might be inevitable catching covid. most of my family members are nurses and in constant contact#but there are also a ton of ways to make that risk low as possible like masking and wearing a face shield and having sanitizer#for me its not enough to just say oh we're in a small group and we're all vaccinated#motherfucker your kid is sick from preschool EVERY TIME WE VISIT. of course ill be wearing a mask she gave me covid last year#also no the fuck it isnt seasonal the cases go up because lack of caution makes the virus spread and mutate especially around times when#ppl gather. add that with virus transmission in cold weather and its a matter of different factors increasing the risk of spread#im also tired of ppl not understanding that i wont be their responsibility if i do get sick. maybe they can help me recover#but at the end of the day the risk of death and long term health is all on me. i cant change that#the govt barely gives me accommodations what makes u think theyll do anything for every individual case of long covid or worse#im so tired. im so tired#i dont even know if its possible to want this to be over anymore i just wish we didnt have to deal with this in the first place#ALSO COUGH INTO YOUR SLEEVE SERIOUSLY HOW IS THIS SO HARD TO REMEMBER#oh its just a cold/dry throat its not like i have covid or anything. no!! its basic hygiene!!! how is this so hard to understand!!!!!!!!!!#and no this isnt abt whether people have the means to protect themselves this is me bitching abt my relatives not taking me seriously#vent#my art#myart#doodles#covid 19
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When it comes to hygiene tasks and self care with disability and chronic illness, its pretty much a constant case of: don't let perfect be the enemy of the good.
Basically: it's better to do something, than to do nothing at all.
TLDR: Just because you can't do something "properly" doesn't mean you shouldn't do it at all. Do it half-way. Do it shitty. Do it barely. Do it on a technicality. But do what you can. Just try, because doing something will help you.
If you don't have the energy to scrub your body with a sponge, just rub soap over your skin with your hands.
If you don't have the energy to wash your whole body with soap, just hit the places where sweat accumulates, or where you're smelliest.
If you don't have the energy to wash with soap AT ALL, just sitting in water is better than nothing. It will wash away dirt and oils.
If you can't bathe or shower at all, a warm wash cloth is your new best friend. If that's too much, then try bath wipes. They're a bit bigger than regular wet wipes, and a bit more heavy duty. They're designed to help keep bed ridden patients clean in hospitals.
If you don't have the energy to dry yourself after a bath or a shower, just put on a bathrobe and get into bed. If you don't have the energy to get dressed afterwards, just don't. It can wait until you can.
If you don't have energy to brush your teeth for two minutes, honestly, just a cursory scrub is better than not doing anything.
If you can't brush your teeth twice a day, brush in the evenings. It will help take away the build up of food from the day.
If you don't have the energy to brush AT ALL, honestly, just take a cloth and wipe the plaque off your teeth. Rinse with mouth wash after if you'd like. Something is always better than nothing.
If you can't floss twice a day. Try once. If that's too much, try a few times a week. If that's too much, try setting aside a day once a week as a goal. If you can't keep a schedule, do it when you're able to. Hell, I keep some floss next to my bed so that if I forget and don't have the energy to go get it, I can just reach over.
If you can't iron your clothes, don't bother. Wrinkles are fine. Wear jumpers over wrinkly t-shirts. No one will know, and honestly, most people won't even care. If it's really wrinkly and it's A Big Deal And It Needs To Be Ironed, here's my life hack. Step 1: take a spray bottle, and spritz the item of clothing (while you're wearing it is easiest) until it's lightly damp. Step 2: use a hair-dryer on the clothes until they're dry. It gets rid of creases like nobody's business, it's easier than lugging out the iron and ironing board, and you get to have nice toasty warm clothes afterwards.
If you can't fold your clothes, try just hanging them up. It's less commitment. It's quicker to do. Granted, you need to have the space in order to do this, but it is also good at helping you downsize, and lets you visualise exactly what you have.
If you can't put your clothes away, invest in a couple of laundry baskets, and then just keep your clean clothes in the baskets. You can then separate washed clothes into underwear, pants, and shirts baskets. You can just leave them like that. I'm giving you permission to never fold your laundry again if you can't. Just leave it unfolded. Who's going to care? Something is better than nothing. If you can, try to put those baskets into your closet so that you can keep the clutter out of sight, and give yourself a more restful environment.
If you can't separate your clothing out into different categories and wash them "properly" (whites, warm tones, cool tones, darks, delicates / switching between hot & cold washes / paying attention to laundry instructions on the label) then just don't worry about it. If you cold wash your clothes, colours won't bleed. Maybe gradually over the course of dozens of washes there'll be some changes in hue, but it's really not as high stakes as the One Red Sock In The Whites Turns Them Pink trope makes it out to be.
I've pretty much come to the point in my life where if a piece of clothing can't survive the washer and dryer, then it's just not meant to be. I colour separate my clothes, and if I have the energy/remember I'll take my bras and jumpers out of the washing machine to drip dry. But otherwise, I leave it to the universe.
If you can't separate out your recycling, then don't. If you have a large amount of rubbish you need to get rid of but the idea of separating it out properly is stopping you from doing so, then just don't worry about it. I know it's not ideal, but if you have garbage in your room/house and you need to get rid of it, please just get rid of it. Don't let the problem get bigger and harder to deal with. Don't let "doing something properly" get in the way of keeping your living spaces clean. Please. Give yourself understanding.
If you can't wash your dishes, get paper plates. Obviously, it's not ideal, but it is better that you eat food than skipping meals. It is better that you have a clean kitchen, rather than having dishes piling up and making it harder to look after yourself.
If you can't prepare meals for yourself keep making the tasks easier and easier. If you can't do recipes, then simplify. Use pasta sauce from the jar instead of making it. Eat canned soup. Buy food you can just stick in the oven. If you eat fish fingers and microwave veggies every night, it's better than not eating anything at all. It's better than having to fork out money on take-out. If you need ready-made meals, then get them. If you're literally just eating a raw cauliflower for dinner; 1) I see you, 2) me too, sis, 3) something is better than nothing.
These are the basic things you need to do every day to function as a person. They are your activities of daily living. Brushing your teeth. Bathing or showering. Using the bathroom. Getting dressed. Eating. Drinking. Sleeping. Keeping your environment clean. You don't need to do these things perfectly, but they need to happen in order for you to have a decent quality of life.
And it breaks my heart, because I know that so many disabled people can't do these things every day. I'm not saying this to guilt or judge, I'm saying that these are basic needs; you deserve these things. These things bring dignity. If a disabled person is unable to do these things, it diminishes their quality of life. It robs them of dignity.
If you need help to do these things, Its okay to ask for help. It's okay to need help. But if you can't get that help and you have to do these things by yourself -- or you just plain want to be independent and do it without help-- then don't hold yourself to standards you can't meet.
Don't let perfect be the enemy of the good. Doing something is always better than doing nothing. Even if it's not perfect. Even if it's not done well. Do what you can.
#lord knows that im still trying to pull myself out of the muck and into independence and dignity#i had to set a rule for myself that i need to wear clean clothes every day. and that i need to wear pyjamas to bed#that one's been hard. sometimes I dont have the energy to do it and i just stay in the same clothes for two days at a time#or i go to sleep in what i was wearing. but when i do follow that rule my quality of life is drastically better#not feeling dirty or gross goes a long way to making you feel more like a person#i also made a rule that im not allowing myself to look frumpy outside anymore. that means clothes that look nice#no more trackies and pj pants and all that stuff. i basically lived in perpetual pyjamas for four years and im over it#i still dress comfortably but the important thing is that i dress. i look put together. i wear things that make me happy#(and i didnt need to buy anything to do so. i just needed to start taking better care of myself)#and i stopped letting perfect be the enemy of the good. i started doing things shitty rather than not doing it at all#and the more i keep pushing with my ADLs the better i feel#what helps is now i dont have to contend with stairs and that has made a dramatic change to what im able to accomplish#ive also finally built up enough strength in my body that im able to go to the shops by myself. so i can buy things to make easy meals#and mum doesnt mind if i just put some things in the oven or air fryer for us for dinner.#i still cant really cook. i felt bad about that for the longest time. i didnt even try bc i knew what id make would be disappointing#or it wouldnt be up to the standards of what everyone else was making. i was so sick of feeling like a let down all the time.#now i just make what i can and my mum doesnt complain bc shes in the same boat.#and yeah. having help would be nice. it would mean id be able to do more than what i can do by myself.#and its great to see how far ive come. but im not a burden. and when i have the accommodations i need i can do a lot more#i do something rather than nothing and my life has dramatically changed since then. ive just gotten better and better.#chronic illness#disability#chronic pain#spoonie#one things for certain and thats that im never going to let myself rely on anyone else ever again.#i never want to be on the other side of that ever again. I don't want to be anyone's burden. i dont want that hanging over me#i do things by myself or i dont do them at all. and god fucking willing i'll never go back to needing as much help as i used to#i really didnt realise just how much of an obstacle living with stairs was in my life. it was the biggest barrier against everything#stairs stopped me from being independent. if i couldnt traverse them i just didnt go anywhere. my world shrank so much#and not having the proper wheelchair shrinks my world even more. im stronger than i used to be but im still severely limited in where i go
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masha broke a bowl by accident in the kitchen and when i brought her the broom and dustpan and asked her if she was okay, she looked at me, straight-faced, and said, "no, i'm not okay." and then i realized she meant that she still feels emotionally abused by the house somehow, and i felt a flash of anger because i am so sick of her shit, and i rephrased, "are you physically injured?" and she gave me another look and said "i'm physically okay." and then when connie asked from her room "what's going on?" masha replied "nothing new." like fuck off ohhhhhhhh my god
#p#i'm actually sick of making room for people like this#it's not me being kind or understanding. it's me being a doormat and driving myself crazy for not making everyone happy 24/7#would masha feel better if i continually approached her and invited her to things and forgave her every time she acted like this?#yeah she would. and i can imagine the emotional place she's in right now is a terrible one and i empathize#which is why i feel guilty for being too tired to do the above. but also? but ALSO???#in her head she will always be the victim. everything we do she will always interpret in bad faith; choose the most unkind interpretation#it's gabe all over again. they live in an alternate reality from me and from the rest of the house and it is impossible to reconcile the tw#and i get this feeling of anger and a part of me thinks of it as me 'letting myself be a bitch' but it's not actually that#it's literally self-respect. it's me being so burnt out that i don't have the energy to pretend this is somehow my problem#the whole meme of 'aren't you tired of being nice. don't you wanna go apeshit' that's about being inauthentic not abt being nice#sure authentic/inauthentic is a loaded therapy term now but it's just accurate. i should be able to NOT do things if i'm not moved to#i don't feel like talking to her. i don't feel like inviting her to things. i don't feel like giving an apology for an imaginary wrong#she can hate me for the rest of time. she can be miserable for the rest of the year while she stays here. i don't fucking care#she is making herself miserable. it is absolutely 100% on her. in any way that matters it is up to her to fix her own shit#i am so sick of this idea that somehow through the healing power of kindness and friendship everyone can be lifted up#because actually some people refuse to be helped. and it is so hard for me to reconcile this with my worldview#but it's been proven to me over and over again that this is the truth.#i guess it doesn't necessarily apply to material realities but i think it does for emotional ones#but even that division between the material and the social/emotional feels false to me. they're always related#maybe the actual lesson is that you as an individual and sometimes even as a community#have limited resources. and while the world's ills could theoretically be solved with infinite generosity and kindness#you cannot singlehandedly make that happen.#and also if the other party isn't receptive there's only so much you can do.#god i've written like a fucking essay trying to justify to myself why i'm angry at masha bc i want to be validated for it#even though i know by now that i actually don't need to explain myself to anyone -- even to myself
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on the leftist commune of my creation you WILL need to have a job and mandatory alone time it cannot be 3 faggots with full time jobs paying for acquaintances random stuff and then being made to listen to said acquaintance vent after the fact
#personal#if you don’t know my dad died last year i’m gonna wager you cannot ask me for money#told this dude i’m sorry but no i can’t pay for you to wash ur clothes and im TIRED#and yes xyz why someone can’t work i do get that#but i am working and am struggling with that#i don’t have a choice. i was going to a job where i fell asleep in my car while driving routinely and gave me extreme chest pains#just to pay what i owe my mom for rent#if SHE could afford it she’d let me live rent free but she can’t!#and i need to pay my bills! i NEED a job! there’s not someone waiting in the wings to fund my life#and i’m sick of it!!!!!! i’m sick of aquntinces using me as a vent thing and then as an atm!#yes i said no!!!!!!!!!! unless you are actively dying i’m probably gonna say no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i’m genuinely really upset by people needing things of me and i don’t want this relationship in the first place#you came to me youre talking to me im not hitting you up im not reaching out to you#i’m being polite but not outright ignoring you talking to me#that does not equal friendship!!!!!!!#i think i have to stop talking to people i must get meaner#i need to stop having the general vibe you as a stranger should feel comfortable talking to me at length#i’m tired!!!! i don’t want new friends or to make new plans or do that!!!!! leave me alone!!!!!!!!!!!!#and this is the second time this WEEK. some random aquantinxe has asked for money#brother i went over budget for donations in one day. i dont give a fuck unless ur actively in dire situations!!!!! i dont care!!!!!! there#there are bigger issues!!!#stop asking people ur NOT close with for this!!!! make actual friends !!!!!
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sometimes my bestfriend is like an angel in disguise istg
#i was justttttt thinking that aw it's so sad that navratri music is playling everywhere and i don't have friends to go with#like last year atleast i had tuition sorta friends but now ive isolated them too it sucks#but i was like well it's okay ill do it when i grow up celebrate every festival i didn't get to in my house because we just never do#and then she calls and she's like let's go this club jahan every year famous hota hai full celebration#and i was like ehh i don't want to i don't even know how to play and ill have to convince dad for raat can't we just#go to a cafe or something dopahar mein uske liye i don't even need permission#and she even agreed but she sounded sad and disappointed about it so i was like well fuck it you want to go club na#and she was like yeahhh so i was like aagh okay and i asked and we're going tomorrow!!!!!#and it's so ridiculous like i just say i don't want to go but it's actually so exciting to go someplace other than a cafe!!!!#and i was complaining to her ki okay ill go but i won't dress up and five mins later me and mumma are making full outfit with dupatta#style decided jewellery she has saved for years that are specifically navratri types and she's like we'll get my blouse altered it's fine#you know being sick has really given me perspective on my parents#im not going to hate my mom anymore i never used to growing up i always thought she was brave but helpless#but a stupid day in 12th i realised when we were talking that technically she COULF get divorced she just#doesn't want to because she'll be alone and she thinks we're growing up and leaving anyway so why should she let go of financial#stability for us. which is wild to me because girl you can't buy anything you want without his permission so i don't understand what's the#point if he's rich or poor but whatever whatever she's been raised this way etc etc#but anyway being sick really made me realise who the real monster is😭 all dad did was shout horribly at me all the time#and was like don't you dare take meds they're fake this is all just junk food stop eating it and you'll be fine. when i was literally#having 103 FEVER.#and mom was the one who was making me different drinks juices cutting up fruits staying with me as i get my blood drawn#checking my fever sote jaagte#like wow i literally wouldn't have gotten better if it wasn't for her and i couldn't believe how attentive and nice she was being#like yes i understand she just thinks this is her duty she's just playing her role a mother a housewife but still#idk i just realized that okay atleast she's good at being a mother dad isn't even that why am i feeling good about him when his love#not even love his politeness is so fucking conditional#and mom healed me even tho i told her about clubbing and drinking lots of alcohol she's kinda against it because she's seen#horrible things in life family yucky men but still she understands ans trusts my sister mostly and know we just do it for fun and she#wasn't even mad!!!!!!! like wow ooay#moms love is actually not conditional for the first time in my life i felt like if i fall maybe she could be there to catch me and dad wld
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haven’t been on much bc my dog has been sick :( between seizures and an infected tooth we’ve been having a Time trying to get everything fixed (this started around the holidays so our vet has been very booked up…we have been like 3-4 times in the past 4-5 weeks OTL does not help it’s like an hour drive there, so that’s been exhausting) now his new seizure meds are making him sick (was hoping it was like, just an adjustment period thing but he’s been sick for a week and having concerning symptoms…) if I’m not on a ton or slow to replying to messages it’s bc I’m working as much overtime as my job will give me bc Vet Expensive and mentally drained obvi 😞
#it makes me a lil mad his meds were kinda pricy and they literally are making things worse. like sure he isn’t have seizures but he can#barely walk and keeps running into things and keeps having diarrhea so like. 🙃 and the meds are making him sooo hungry and thirsty#I’m seeing the vet AGAIN FRIDAY I know she’s so sick of me but man my little guy. if she can’t figure out a combo that doesn’t have such#bad side effects I’m literally going to scream and cry#he’s the most sensitive boy in the world and my mental health hangs on his and my cats well being. please. 😭#sanchoyorambles#I’ve also called them like twice to find out if I should stop or what they want me to do and keep getting ‘oh they’ll call u back’ WHEN#GIRL MY PUBBY#if I don’t hear back before his next dose I’m just gonna make an executive decision myself to stop them for now#he’s literally on the smallest possible dose too bc he’s so little. so. they can’t go down in dosage they’ll need to put him on smth else 😑#which means paying for ANOTHER PRESCRIPTION A WEEK AFTER ALREASY GETTING ONE THAT WAS $30 ON TOP OF HIS STUPID VET BILL#screaming.#and like if I have the money it’s fine. and it’s not like the vet could’ve known he’d have bad side effects#im just frustrated it’s no one’s fault#I could go to a closer vet. the thing is I LIKE the one further away#they have the only groomer I’ve found that can trim him without sedating him! they send me reminders abt his shots! I like the vibes!!!#they seem caring!! but they are always SOOO BUSY it takes forever to make appointments or to hear back from them 😭#remember how I said one of my goals was to buy a vechicle this year lmao the vet bills are draining any savings I’ve managed to build up 🤧#my pets are priority 1 tho like even before all the medical stuff /I/ need like lol… that’s my baby#it’s just really bad timing. not that there’s good timing for medical issues but. u know
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#just need to bitch about my new job for a minute#first of all - so lucky and happy to have a job i will say that#been unemployed for two months and i need something to pay the bills#but...the fucking 'no one wants to work' of it all is such bullshit#so this new company starts you at $13/hr#not great but considering i live in rural america it's way worse around here#they're remote but their definition of remote is that you can only work from your house no where else#you get two days off per week but it's not two days back to back#if you're full time you get extra holiday pay but there are no holidays off#if you're part time fuck you you just have to work#full time employees get 10 vacation days and 6 sick days#part time you just get so many unpaid hours off#like...i'm working part time because i'm hoping to get actual work in my field#but you're telling me if i was full time i'd get /16 days/ of paid time off per year?#but also i'm not allowed to go anywhere else while i work??#like i have family just out of state that i could pop over and see on a long weekend or even a short one#but i don't even have two days back to back so i just can't go see them without taking time off#and like...probably i can just use a vpn and it won't be a big deal#and i'm hoping this is a super temporary thing and i can actually use my degree#but like /fucking hell/ of course no one wants to work in conditions like this!#i know it's work from home and there are some perks to that but not enough to make up for everything else#also not them telling me during my interview that after training you don't have to be on camera#but during out first day today being told we have to 'earn the privilege'#bitch please it's fucking chat support#i am just so tired of employers thinking that it's a privilege for us to work for them#it's a privilege for you to have me honestly#oh and also if you run out of days off you don't get unpaid time off#they just start giving you strikes#like our trainer is really nice and great but also she's trying to sell this 10 days off as some kind of amazing thing#in the us that's /fine/ if you also get the holidays off!
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You want to know how bad my memory is?
I was writing last night and I just straight up forgot that Sanji exists. I have been watching this show since 2012, he was my fave Strawhat outside of Luffy pre-TS, and I FORGOT HE EXISTED.
I was like 'hm yes well the ones who would understand are Nami and Robin... W- wasn't there one more I was thinking of a moment ago? Wasn't there another one who'd Get It?????'
'it's not Chopper. Definitely not Usopp. And it's not Zoro. That's all the remaining Strawhats at this point in the story. So... Why am I convinced I'm forgetting someone? Let's go through the arcs in my head agai- OH MY GOD, I FORGOT SANJI'
#When I tell you my memory is shit... 😭 I used to own a Sanji shirt. What the fuck??#When that post about the memory issues finally leaves my queue#Like I joke about it but this shit can be genuinely terrifying. Like knowing my brain is getting worse. Knowing I'm probably forgetting#Seriously important things and just 'oops I can't remember haha'#It's scary.#I'll never get better because I'll just relive the pain over and over because my brain refuses to remember the help and progress I make#Every day I wake up back at step 1 it's so depressing and scary and horrifying and I hate it#I can never process anything bc I just forget and if I do remember it's like a punch to the chest for the first time every time#And people get SO sick of you after a while. Constantly asking for help. Never remembering anything. They get so annoyed with you.#Anyway. On a lighter note (not actually) I'm trying out a new one-shot :)#Not to speak ill of the 'soon-to-be' dead but Garp was a shit grandfather#So I was like What If Me And Luffy Had The Same Reaction#Because self love starts in recognizing your self through the other god damn it#Even if I finish this idk if I'll post it bc of how personal it is but it has been very cathartic to write#Then again I could just publish it anonymously so my irl friends won't see it. No harm no foul.#I (kid) once pushed my mom (grown adult) out of my room when she caused me to have a meltdown so I could 100% see Luffy doing the same thin#In my defense she had a habit of taunting me and destroying my stuff to punish me after inciting meltdowns and I just wanted to be alone#I was like 7 years old at the time (hell year hell year) so I doubt I actually hurt her. She just looked surprised. I remember that.#Sometimes I wonder why I identify so much with werewolves and then I remember ah yes. The childhood of being treated like a monster.#Like a freak because when people kept pushing your boundaries you'd rather bite than let them do whatever they want to you#Oh boo hoo such a terrible thing for a child to be... Protective of themselves...#ANYWAY. like I said this wasn't going to be much lighter.#I want Luffy to punch the lights out of Garp to protect his friends. Not even in-canon just in this fic#Ik in-canon Garp is a complex guy and loads of fans love him but... Smash eggs make sandwiches know what I'm saying?#Yeah GROOVY
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Have you ever been assumed to be romantically attracted to someone and even just the thought of that makes you want to throw up . Anybody
#had someone's husband in my dms going on about how i want this bitch romantically and frankly if i hadn't been so busy crying i would've#actually thrown up . absolutely disgusting idea . vile even . horrid concept#anyway tldr im down a best friend because he didn't tell me anything i was doing was wrong after telling me that everything was okay and#then sent his husband after me to call me a creep that was obsessed with him that also apparently tried to make out w him#the same trip that my best friend of five years told me he hated having me in his hometown to see him graduate.#this was after i found out my cat had been murdered and mutilated and thrown in my granma's garden . that day happened to be my birthday#because my ma was kind enough to drive me and my lil brother down there to go see him graduate bc he was also supposed to move in w us the#month after . and he told me right after i got home that he 'didn't think it would be good for our relationship' and apparently#just didn't know how to tell me until a month before it was supposed to happen . bonkers times over here#anyway i didn't want to make out with him . he cried after i wouldn't have sex w him just last december . which i specifically got high as#shit to avoid . and i dont even have like. actual examples of what i was doing wrong to go off of so now i just get to live in mystery#forever ig. like shocker that the person that's been my best friend for five years would tell his husband to say that to me and not say that#shit to me himself . this is a wild to me . i feel like im going insane . can anybody even hear me what's going on#you know its bad when your mama gets so sick of you crying over a friend that she hugs you for the first time in years#also i cant sleep my head hurts . crying is evil . devils liquid . might watch rpdr or something . still nauseous over the idea of being#into him romantically btw . like still nauseous over that . like what a fucking insult to our entire friendship#does saying that we may as well have been made of the same atoms mean like . nothing . does nothing ive said to or about him not mean anythi#ng if its not romantic in nature . what did i do that wasnt enough for him. i fucking told him he outgrew me and that was fine i just#wanted to know if we were still friends or not and he said we were and i believed him. if he told me the sky was green i would make it so#ripping my hair out . am i being dramatic . am i the only person that wasn't expecting this . am i the only one that didn't know#when i had to tell people who knew about the moving plans that he changed his mind the first fucking thing i was told was “i thought it migh#t happen.“ WELL I FUCKINH DIDN'T . AND NOBODY TOLD ME#this is like . the second most humiliating moment of my life . aside from movinggate because at least nobody irl has to know about this#anyway . this boy could've taken my blood and i'd sit there and smile while he did it because he was my best friend .#i was so glad we got to grow up together. i miss him already. im taking my little brother to school my myself for the first time and all im#gonna wanna do is tell him about it . im tired . i want to sleep . im still so nauseous . did none of it mean anything just because ive#never and will never like him romantically. does that make everything less worthy somehow#i hope he never talks to me again. i dont think i could handle this again. he let is fucking husband say that shit to me. not him.#puppmeo misery
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i’m sorry you haven’t been feeling well lately! :( i hope you get things figured out soon and feel better! that’s never a fun situation to be in! 😭😭 def appreciate you sm, am here if you need anything!
it sucks but i guess it's just part of healing.. constant ups and downs. it's exhausting 🙃 but thank you so much, i'm really grateful for you
#that's mental health for ya#always wondering if i should try and patch things up with people and then thinking 'well if they wanted me back they would reach out'#why do i always gotta be the person to confront others and try to fix things like no! i'm sick of it#you got a problem? talk to me! you miss me? talk to me! i did something that hurt you? fucking talk to me!!#how am i supposed to know something's bothering you if every time i ask if you're okay#you either say yes or you say no and you don't wanna talk about it. i can't read your mind. especially through a screen#you make no effort to hang out with me in person and i always have to be the one to drive to your house and we never do anything#you never offer to come to me instead you never suggest ideas i always have to come up with a bunch of activities then you reject them all#then you cry about being lonely and having no friends but you don't even invest in the ones you do have#she's gonna end up alone with this attitude. to be rejected by friends has left me completely lonely but at least my conscience's clear#if loneliness is the price i have to pay for peace and good karma then i will pay that price every single time#it's not worth it. they don't respond to texts - they keep cancelling plans - they never ask how i'm doing - it's not worth it.#i'm not gonna keep trying and giving my all to people who can barely lift a finger for me#the silver lining in all this is that i've found myself back - the me from before heartbreak who was a REALLY good friend to people#all it took was losing so many people i loved deeply and again - that's a small price to pay#instead of going to war for others just to find out they'd let me die out there - i'm going to war for MYSELF#because I'M worth it and i would KILL to have a friend like me. so. self worth over fake friends#even if that means i have to spend another fall and another birthday and another christmas and new years alone. so be it#answered#🫶🏻
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my mother passed away on the 2nd and while many people who've been around me know she wasn't the best mother, it's still a loss and something to adapt to. so i wanted to share some of her favorite characters of mine even if just visually via sims. i've only shared a few of them here, but in order their names are teruki, sai, rei, bada, theo, kazuya, livewire, and giacinto. i've tried very hard not to give up on my writing these last few years and in the last month i wrote nearly 30k between a novel project and fleshing out ocs. one of the few things i connected with my mother over other than gaming or movies was my ocs, and i shared most all of them with her as of the last eight years. i'm sad she couldn't see the end of this novel since it was probably her favorite work of mine, but i'm trying my best to finish it, not just for her, but even more importantly, for me and my own happiness.
in her last year i tried really hard to help give her the holidays and experiences she wanted. i didn't get to give her every single one, or i couldn't do it exactly as she wanted, but i think one of the most important things to her was being able to, despite us being pretty poor, give me two gifts that really made me happy and have helped me to regulate. i haven't spoken about anoko on here because chiikawa isn't too huge on here compared to twitter, but having these plushies and my interest in anoko brought us closer together and these two have made me happier, helped me to have less nightmares and anxiety, and overall improved my life. it sounds stupid to say but as an autistic person with a lot of trauma, stuffed animals were a safe thing for me, but i hadn't had one in a long time that i connected with. i think she probably knew how much i needed them, so i'm grateful she helped me to get them even when they were really expensive. they really did and do make me happy, and i'm glad that even for years of turmoil in our relationship, you could leave off on a good note.
#losing a parent who was complicit in/was abusive is difficult when they were once a good parent#the relationship i had with her was extremely complex especially since i was her caretaker whether i wanted to be or not#but it's still a loss to process#it feels kind of stupid posting this but i know quite a few people are aware of my living situation and how it's been#it's going to change a lot from now on. even if just because i won't be caretaking for both my parents anymore#i still have pieces of her and i'm glad that in her last few months she finally started gaming again. i wish she could've done more. but sh#mostly finished her ac island and as someone who spent thousands of hours with her playing the og#it's nice to have that. it's nice to have a capsule of both who she was and who she could be#i know she wanted to make things up to me for years of being sick and absent and also awful at times#that's probably why she was so excited to see me want something as badly as i wanted those anokos#and no material items don't fix trauma or pain but it was a gesture of kindness and understanding of my needs#so it was nice. i'm glad i got to share my favorite things with her and that in the end she was more like the mother i used to have#riley speaks
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(just a very long rant, feel 100% free to ignore, it’s just to vent somewhere, could’ve ranted even more but apparently 30 tags is the limit whoops 🤭🤭)
#life is so bad lately i feel like i’ve tried absolutely everything and things never improve they just get worse somehow#it’s like i think things can’t get any worse and then somehow they do#and they do so even as i’m putting in so much effort to try and improve the already bad things#🧍♂️ i just ?? what do i do now ?? when i’ve tried everything ??#like i’m being soooo genuinely when i say tht dying feels like the only thing left but like. i don’t even WANT to die. it just feels like#the only road left to take 🧍♂️ and ik that’s fucked up but honestly there is nothing left for me lol 🧍♂️#and to make things worse i actually think that the few ppl i have in my life r becoming just as sick of me as i am of myself#which rly scares me bc the only reason i have to stay alive is the ppl in my life and my pets that is it#but i just can’t fake it like i used to like i used to be soooo good at hiding things#but now things have gotten so bad that i can’t hide them bc they are actively ruining my life and making me do things or not do things that#other ppl can see#so even though i tell ppl i’m fine they just don’t believe it and like yeah fairs bc it’s very obvious i’m not#it’s also incredibly embarrassing like i’m 25 this month and i live at home and all my irl friends have moved away and got big girl jobs and#are doing things with their lives so i haven’t even seen a single friend in months and months like i think the last time i saw a friend was#halloween… halloween!!!!! aka october last year!!!!!#and i only work one day a week bc i left my old proper job bc i thought i was going to kill myself and kept taking more and more time off#so i’m very poor and i’m very much in debt and i can’t pay it off bc i spend so much money self medicating bc i’m convinced there’s somethin#seriously seriously wrong with my body and i’m always in pain or extreme nausea but the doctors have ignored me so many times and just shut#me down or made me feel stupid or said everything looks fine when i know it isn’t#and i’m also 99% convinced i’ve got quite severe autism and the doctor basically confirmed it lol but she said that on the nhs the current#waiting list is about 4-5 years so i may as well turn to the internet and do research myself since even if u get an official diagnosis#there’s no meds or real cure for it other than learning how to cope#except im also convinced that with the autism i have a lot of strong adhd traits so like. i know it’s bad but i buy adhd meds online and i#don’t even abuse them i take them to literally help me like they’re meant to but bc it’s obvs not allowed it’s so expensive#and i already have no fuckingn money so every single month is hell bc i’m either rationing them to make them last longer#OR i’m taking them but with the knowledge that it means i’ll run out sooner and have more days with NONE#and every day is just full of immense guilt too for doing this bc it’s not technically allowed and i should be doing better things with what#i do pay my mum some money each month towards housekeeping/bills/etc but it isn’t much at all and i know she deserves more#also i either sleep 0 hours a night or 20 there’s no balance and it’s fucking ridiculous i’ve tried EVERYTHING to no avail#i
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