#i know I'm not actually going to DIE die. but it's gonna be bad. so bad. I'm chronically dehydrated and shit
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Glinda gets what she deserves at the end of Wicked
I don’t necessarily mean this in an all negative light either, Glinda’s ending is bittersweet – sad, but hopeful. But she does not deserve an all out happy ending at the end of the musical.
I don’t know if I’m gonna be crucified for this, but here goes.
Glinda in Act 2 is a key part of a fascist regime. She doesn’t just live in it, she isn’t forced to take part in it and she’s not working as a double agent (like Fiyero). She knows what they are doing to the Animals (which includes separating infants from their mothers and putting them in cages, and making Animals so afraid they literally forget how to speak), she knows and loves people it is hurting and yet she continues to actively promote it.
(I won’t point out the connections to real world situations, but I’m sure you guys can all think of examples and think of how you feel about people who are active participants in helping such regimes.)
We see she knows all this too. We see she excuses it for her ego and the power:
Glinda: Do you think I like to hear them say those awful things about her? I hate it!
Fiyero: Then what are we doing here? Let's go, let's get out of here!
Glinda: We can't leave now, not when people are looking to us to raise their spirits.
Fiyero: You can't leave, because you can't resist this. And that is the truth.
Glinda: Maybe I can't. Is that so wrong? Who could?
Elphaba: No, of course you never! You're too busy telling everyone how wonderful everything is!
Glinda: I'm a public figure, now. People expect me to...
Elphaba: Lie?
Glinda: Be encouraging!
And if one could possibly argue (weakly) that, given she’s not actually doing any of the regime’s actual violence, just keeping people’s hopes up she’s not as bad as those who are, she gets worse:
Morrible: Well, we'll just flush her out and force her to show herself.
Wizard: But how?
Glinda: Her sister
Morrible: What? What did she say?
Glinda: Use her sister. Spread a rumour. Make her think her sister is in trouble and she will fly to her side... and you'll have her.
Even if one argues that Glinda is somehow not clever enough to realise that they’ll end up killing Nessa, she sure as hell knows it will get Elphaba captured. And there’s no way that Elphaba being captured won’t lead to the execution of her best friend. Yes, she’s heartbroken, yes, she might not have said this when emotions weren’t running high, but it doesn’t make her terrible words less deadly (and bear in mind Elphaba hadn’t even done anything to hurt Glinda! It was Fiyero who chose to go with her).
Glinda only really starts realising what she has done in March of the Witch hunters, when Nessa is dead, Fiyero is tortured and presumed dead and Elphaba has descended into madness – all because of her own action. And, kudos to her, this is when she decides to change, she immediately goes to Elphaba and tries to warn her about the Witch Hunters, apologises and ultimately Elphaba trusts her with the Grimmorie and to continue her legacy (which she immediately does by overthrowing the Wizard). She has started down the track to good but she still has a long way to go.
I am not the first, nor will I be the last to point this out but “Goodness knows the wicked’s lives are lonely, goodness knows the wicked die alone”, sung by Glinda,is clearly not about Elphaba. Elphaba was not wicked, nor did she die alone (literally Dorothy was in the room and metaphorically Glinda supported and loved her). Glinda is singing about herself, Glinda knows she has been wicked, Glinda knows that it is her own actions that have lead to the “death” of her friends.
So what Glinda is left with is a chance to do good. A chance to live up to her name and make up for what she’s done. A chance to use what she’s most talented at, making people like her, to continue the legacy of her best friend. Despite everything, Elphaba does trust her, if she didn’t she wouldn’t have left her with this responsibility.
Glinda: Fellow Ozians, friends, we have been through a frightening time. There will be other times and other things that frighten us. But if you let me, I'd like to try to help. I'd like to try to be... Glinda the Good.
This is why she is going to “try” to be Glinda the Good, because she hasn’t been good yet. She has learnt a lot of very hard lessons through the narrative, been dragged kicking and screaming out of her selfishness, ego and giving into her worst impulses and is grateful for a chance to repent. And honestly, I’m sure she will suceed.
And one last thing:
Elphaba: I only wish...
Fiyero: What?
Elphaba: Glinda could know that we're alive.
Fiyero: She can't know, not if we want to be safe. No one can ever know.
I know a lot of people take ire with this line. But Fiyero, always the best strategist of the group, is right. The last time Glinda was trusted with important information it led to a death and two more people nearly dying. She has not earned that trust yet.
But, remember, Glinda isn’t stupid, Glinda is in a position where she’s going to have to think more and more. Glinda has presumably seen her roommate get wet before, she saw Fiyero’s reaction to the rumour, no matter how much searching happens Fiyero’s body never turns up, how long is it really going to take for her to connect the dots? Sure “Glinda can never know” for sure, but she sure as hell can be comforted by the fact she’s almost certain her best friend did not melt from a bucket of water.
#wicked#wicked meta#Glinda#wicked movie#wicked musical#I feel like Gelphie shippers might be mad#but it's not that I don't like her character#she's a facinating and deep character#she's just a pretty bad person for a lot of the show#but not irredeemable#Fiyero in contrast makes decisions to be on the right side once he has the chance#Fiyeraba works because Fiyero supports Elphaba and cares for the same cause#galinda
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In my Zeus bag today so I'm just gonna put it out there that exactly none of the great Ancient Greek warrior-heroes stayed loyal and faithful and completely monogamous and yet none of them have their greatness questioned nor do we question why they had the cultural prominence that they did and still do.
Jason, the brilliant leader of the Argo, got cold feet when it came to Medea - already put off by some of her magic and then exiled from his birthland because of her political ploys, he took Creusa to bed and fully intended on marrying her despite not properly dissolving things with Medea.
Theseus was a fierce warrior and an incredibly talented king but he had a horrible temper and was almost fatally weak to women. This is the man who got imprisoned in the Underworld for trying to get a friend laid, the man who started the whole Attic War because he couldn't keep his legs closed.
And we cannot at all forget Heracles for whom a not inconsiderable amount of his joy in life was loving people then losing the people around him that he loved. Wives, children, serving boys, mentors, Heracles had a list of lovers - male and female - long enough to rival some gods and even after completing his labours and coming down to the end of his life, he did not have one wife but three.
And y'know what, just because he's a cultural darling, I'll put Achilles up here too because that man was a Theseus type where he was fantastic at the thing he was born to do (that is, fight whereas Theseus' was to rule) but that was not enough to eclipse his horrid temper and his weakness to young pretty things. This is the man that killed two of Apollo's sons because they wouldn't let him hit - Tenes because he refused to let Achilles have his sister and Troilus who refused Achilles so vehemently that he ran into Apollo's temple to avoid him and still couldn't escape.
All four of these men are still celebrated as great heroes and men. All four of these men are given the dignity of nuance, of having their flaws treated as just that, flaws which enrich their character and can be used to discuss the wider cultural point of what truly makes a hero heroic. All four of these men still have their legacies respected.
Why can that same mindset not be applied to Zeus? Zeus, who was a warrior-king raised in seclusion apart from his family. Zeus who must have learned to embrace the violence of thunder for every time he cried as a babe, the Corybantes would bang their shields to hide the sound. Zeus learned to be great because being good would not see the universe's affairs in its order.
The wonderful thing about sympathy is that we never run out of it. There's no rule stopping us from being sympathetic to multiple plights at once, there's no law that necessitate things always exist on the good-evil binary. Yes, Zeus sentenced Prometheus to sufferation in Tartarus for what (to us) seems like a cruel reason. Prometheus only wanted to help humans! But when you think about Prometheus' actions from a king's perspective, the narrative is completely different: Prometheus stole divine knowledge and gifted it to humans after Zeus explicitly told him not to. And this was after Prometheus cheated all the gods out of a huge portion of wealth by having humans keep the best part of a sacrifice's meat while the gods must delight themselves with bones, fat and skin. Yes, Zeus gave Persephone away to Hades without consulting Demeter but what king consults a woman who is not his wife about the arrangement of his daughter's marriage to another king? Yes, Zeus breaks the marriage vows he set with Hera despite his love of her but what is the Master of Fate if not its staunchest slave?
The nuance is there. Even in his most bizarre actions, the nuance and logic and reason is there. The Ancient Greeks weren't a daft people, they worshipped Zeus as their primary god for a reason and they did not associate him with half the vices modern audiences take issue with. Zeus was a father, a visitor, a protector, a fair judge of character, a guide for the lost, the arbiter of revenge for those that had been wronged, a pillar of strength for those who needed it and a shield to protect those who made their home among the biting snakes. His children were reflections of him, extensions of his will who acted both as his mercy and as his retribution, his brothers and sisters deferred to him because he was wise as well as powerful. Zeus didn't become king by accident and it is a damn shame he does not get more respect.
#ginger rambles#ginger chats about greek myths#greek mythology#It's Zeus Apologist day actually#For the record Jason is my personal favourite of these guys#The argonauts are extremely underrated for literally no reason#And Jason's wit and sheer ability to adapt along with his piousness are traits that are so far away from what usually gets highlighted#with the typical Greek warrior-hero that I've just never stopped being captivated by him#Conversely I still do not understand what people see in Achilles#I respect him and his legacy I respect the importance of his tale and his cultural importance I promise I do#However I personally can't stand the guy LMAO#How do you get warned twice TWICE both by your mother and by Athena herself that going after Apollo's children is a bad idea#And still have the audacity to be mad and surprised when Apollo is gunning for Specifically You during the war you're bringing to His City#That You Specifically and Exclusively had a choice in avoiding#ACHILLES COULD'VE JUST SAID NO#I know that's not the point however so many other members of the Greek camp were simply casualties of Fate in every conceivable way man#Achilles looked at every terrible choice he could possibly make said “Well I'm gonna die anyway 🤷🏽” and proceeded to make the choice#so hard that he angered god#That's y'all's man right there#I left out Perseus because truthfully I don't actually know much about him#I haven't studied him even a fraction as much as I've studied some of the other big culture heroes and none of this is cited so i don't wan#to talk about stuff I don't know 100%#Anyway justice for Zeus fr#Gimme something give me literally anything other than the nonsense we usually get for him#This goes for Hera too btw#Both the king and queen of the skies are done TERRIBLY by wider greek myth audiences and it's genuinely disheartening to see#If y'all could make excuses for Achilles to forgive his flaws y'all can do it for them#They have a lot more to sympathise with I'll tell you that#(that is a completely biased statement; you are completely free and encouraged to enjoy whichever figures spark joy)#zeus
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i'm seeing three times as many people bitching in the tag about the very idea that someone might not like this breed than i see people actually expressing unambiguous dislike for this breed
#the preemptive counter-bitchers are consistently orders of magnitude meaner and more uncharitable about it too#like i'm convinced at this point these people just have these counter-bitches ready to go on launch regardless of actual reception#it's starting to feel like they just fill out a generic “what moral failing can i accuse the potential idea of dislikers of” template#and post it as soon as the thing's out whether or not anyone actually complains much less the way they accuse people of#these people are getting to the point that even when it's about something i unambiguously *like* i still have to resist the urge#to comment “fr staff aren't gonna fuck you bro”#there's like 11 different posts all insisting that the only reason anyone could dislike the new breed is fatphobia#meanwhile i scrolled down the entire tag and found like 2. maybe 3 people that even mentioned it in the same post as disliking the breed#before anyone gets ideas i'm generally-neutral-to-appreciative of the attempt at moldbreaking on the breed#and am completely indifferent the weight of dragons. the only thing i care about is if the design is original and interesting#a vast majority of the dislike posts i've seen so far have been in the vein of “nah man this one's just not for me” or “too maggot”#or “i hoped for an eldritch horror”. and there's not that many of these dislike posts in general. especially compared to normal.#meanwhile the counter-bitching has all been like “YOU'RE ALL JUST GREEDY UNPLEASABLE ENTITLED WHINY BABY FATPHOBES DIE MAD”#it's like this every time and i feel like it takes less and less to get people going like this every time#it almost feels like they get angrier faster the *less* anyone actually complains in the first place#a behavior pattern i'm well versed in from experience with my mother#and they always seem to get angriest at the most mild polite complaint posters rather than any of the actually questionable ones#like they'll ignore someone spouting clear fatphobia to go fling bigotry accusations at someone who just said “eh i kinda hoped for scary”#they also consistently have a bad case of “fr players are a monolith who all ask for the same things”-brain#i don't know what it is that makes it so fr players are so insecure about liking anything that the possible existence of anyone who doesnt#makes them feel like they're being directly attacked#flight rising#i suspect it's downstream of a similar kind of “we know if we don't get what we want we lose our chance because the devs are fickle” thing#to the fundamental flaw that doomed the minecraft mob votes
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Maybe it's only me, but the word 'serenely' does not make me feel seren.
Like, when I see a sentence 'he smiled serenely' i can picture it - a peaceful smile, clear face and all, but also I FEEL HOW THAT MAN IS LOSING HIS SHIT UNDER THERE. Someone doing something serenely? For me it gives the context of absolute panic barely conseled.
#words are weird#maybe it's bc i'm not english first speaker#but like#literally#and it goes for most of the fics i read now#because there are so many characters that you can say do something 'serenely'#that are for sure barely holding it together#like scum villain#shen qingqiu#that man smiles serenely and in his brain is just chanting 'i'm gonna die omg it's so bad literally can see myself in a pickle jar'#and the other fics#xie lian and his innocent smile#standing among people ripping theor throats put#and inside he's just like 'i think i'm actually gonna kill myself or someone other if they won't stop yesterday'#jin guangyao and lan xichen#one inside is planning your murder as you have polite small talk#the other i don't even know but it's for sure nothing nice#so yeah#that word#it's not a calm word#i know there's something suspicious going on when one does things serwnely#stupid language#language#it's actually kinda funny
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me, hasn't watched tbb3 yet bc I want to wait for all the episodes to be out to start, suddenly seeing whoever this clone x fellow is & speculation about them on my dash: THEYRE DOING W H A T TO CODY? YOU MIND CONTROL CODY AGAIN??? YOU GOING TO KILL CODY TRAGICALLY? OH JAIL FOR FILONI. JAIL FOR A THOUSAND YEARS.
#commander cody#the bad batch#clone x#star wars#what the actual FUCK is going on over there#don't know how I'm so surprised & pissed about something I was convinced was gonna happen from the start#I went into tbb2 telling everyone I knew he was gonna die#and then he DIDNT#and I got FALSE HOPE
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sorry for only saying this type of shit lately but i kinda wanna drive a car straight into a brick wall at the highest speed possible
#trying to keep it together so bad because i already know the problems and solutions and whatnot but i cannot do anything#i desperately just need to do something. accomplish any task. actually several would be nice. but i cannot stand just letting life go by#while i watch other people have the things i want. or even metaphorically living my dream like. that should be me why am i settling for thi#i hate even talking about this because i feel so stupid when i know it's not even a real tangible problem and that i actually DO have real#problems to tackle and the ability to do so but i'm choosing to be upset over the stupidest things i could possibly be sad about#and i can't even be sad about it in a normal way i'm cycling through like several different reactions to smth that isn't even real#or if it is real i literally do not have tanglible evidence for it one way or another like i'm driving myself insane for no reason#i can't even get catharsis because all i'm doing is digging a deeper hole for something i never should've gone back into in the first place#because i KNOW how i am i KNOW how i react to things and i still chose to do it lmao.#and i continue to choose to go through this shit instead of actively trying to change my life because... i'm lazy? and stupid? idk#negative self-talk isn't gonna get me to do anything either so let's just say i'm feeling particularly unmotivated like usual#i hated being a teenager but i really do miss when all my problems just amounted to 'someone was mean to me on tumblr today :(' or i failed#a test in chemistry or something. like i yearn for that simplicity becasue at this point all i'm doing is ruining my own life LMAO#i'm too scared to live i'm too scared to die so i just sit here and fantasize that life could be amazing if i wait#and i'll magically get everything i've ever wanted if i just wait long enough. and i know it isn't true and i still wait for it to happen.#because honestly like. i think deep down i am just convinced i will fail at anything i do when that shouldn't be what scares me.#what scares me should be never even allowing myself to fail because i never tried to do anything at all with myself or my life#like. wake the fuck up. get off your ass and put in the effort. learn some skills. gain independence and stability and discipline and do it#just live please i'm begging you just live so i can be happy don't i deserve to be happy... why am i not letting myself be happy#i'm literally keeping myself trapped in this negative feedback loop ON PURPOSE because teehee shiny toy#and it doesn't matter if the love is real it doesn't matter how i feel like i'm just using it as a distraction i can't say it's motivation#because it's barely motivated me at all. i have to start being realistic. 25 & just realizing you actually have to participate in your life#anyways. i've cried i've agonized i've pictured killing myself in 30 different ways. i think the only way i'm gonna feel better is#to just actually try this time without giving up. wish me luck
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again and again i find myself lamenting that audio roleplay isn't taken more seriously by some people. like yeah, they often have a romantic element, and by nature they usually directly involve/address the listener- and i totally get that those things aren't to everyone's taste. no art or entertainment is universally appealing, and that's okay! but.. it still makes me a lil sad that the "cringe" reputation of asmr/audio rp precedes it. there's a whole lot of talent and creativity being poured into these audios by so many people that i feel goes unrecognized and/or disrespected simply due to the medium that the stories are being told through.
#this post brought to you by: me bingeing Sam & Darlin's entire storyline over the past few days and having a Lot of feelings abt it#asmr#audio roleplay#rp audio stuff#redacted audio#anyways i don't have a conclusion to this post. and i'm not Mad or Upset or anything i'm just thinkin' out loud#and i mean it's not like it doesn't get plenty of praise within its respective audience bc it does. at least for the more popular creators#but i feel it'll still always have the shadow of its cringe reputation looming over it#which makes it hard for some ppl to openly appreciate or share with others that aren't already fans of the medium#like do u know how many comments i've seen along the lines of 'this is great but i'd die if anyone knew i liked this kinda stuff' ?? :(#idk maybe i feel strongly about it bc i'm a self-insert fanfic writer. and i feel like the two have a lot in common. including a bad rep.#like. not every audio will be well-written or produced and neither will every fanfic. but that doesn't mean it's a less legitimate artform#and i'm lucky to have never (yet) received negative comments on my work. but that doesn't mean that it doesn't make me sigh when people-#-say shit like 'this reads like fanfiction' as a way of calling something bad. or other similar sentiments that make the same implication#and i wouldn't be surprised if audio creators feel the same way when they encounter certain comments or statements#like. those YT videos where ppl will 'try bf asmr for the first time' or whatever and it's just 20 mins of cringing and over-reacting? eugh#tbf i haven't watched many bc why do that to myself. so Maybe there's some that are respectful but still. imagine getting roasted like that#and yes yes i know that by posting stuff online you're inadvertently sighing up to be criticized by Anyone but still. man. i dunno#i'm going on a tangent but my point is. i'm grateful for the creators that still make their art in spite of the public's perception of it#bc some of the most impactful emotional experiences i've ever gained from fiction took place in audio rp and i'm so serious abt that.#anyways. this post almost feels like i'm 'making up a person to be mad at' but i promise it's not that serious i'm just yapping. mostly.#certainly not trying to start any kind of debate or anything either i just have a lot of fixation-induced energy and nowhere to put it#this is Eric's fault (/lh) for cooking Sam up in a lab catered exactly to my taste and making Darlin' waaaaay too painfully relatable#but it's also My fault for bingeing the Inversion /and/ the Quinn arc /and/ the Summit all within a couple days. but i can't help myself#feels like i've run an emotional marathon. triathlon. The Emotional Olympics if u will. i'm feeling Everything#who knew that beating the shit out of ur fictional abuser could feel so goddamn cathartic! it's a nice replacement when u can't do it irl#anyways i'm off on a tangent again. thanks for coming to my TED Talk i'm gonna crawl back in my hole now#actually i'm gonna go relisten to a few audios. as Research for my Sam & Darlin' playlist as well as a post i'll be making about it soon#u Know i've got it bad when i not only make a playlist but start Posting on here about the songs that remind me of them. i'm cooked guys.
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I hate the doctors I don't ever want to go ever <- person with so many medical issues
#i have a doctor's appointment in like a day and a half#and i am dreading it so fucking much#not even because the appointments going to be bad!!! it shouldn't be!!!#it should be a basic 'i go in‚ the doctor tells me what medication i need‚ i go get the medication' visit that's IT!!!#at least that's what it should be!!#but ough. the drive. cars are very‚ very‚ very rough on me. they make me feel like I'm gonna die. like‚ physically.#something about the shakiness and the fast motion just makes all my organs crumple up and strangle themselves on each other and it hurts#so like. by the time i actually GET to the doctor's i know I'm gonna be curled up in a ball crying and barely able to walk#just from GETTING TO THE DOCTORS to try to FIX THE ORGAN ISSUES that they CAN'T FIGURE OUT right now#honestly just fucking kill me now i don't ever want to be in a moving vehicle ever again just thinking about it stresses me out#vent
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rebirth is gonna destroy us i just know it
#as a zerith stan knowing aerith dies in zack's timeline is messing me up#like... they cannot meet unless they 'fix' the timelines or whatever#there's a chance the characters are not actually dead in zack's timeline but idk...#so yeah in the original timeline zack is dead of course#but in zack's timeline they are ALL dead. allegedly#so essentially it's like. if zack gets to live the others die instead??#what is zack's timeline gonna be like? i'm so curious and confused and lowkey scared aksjhkahlds#it's too soon to assume things but it doesn't look good for zack 🥴#he only has cloud atm and he's still in a bad condition apparently#he wasn't anywhere in that last scene in the DLC so either zack left him resting somewhere#or something else happened?#idk about y'all but i'm kinda going insane thinking about theories#the more i rewatch the trailer the more i realize how depressing it could potentially be...#also sephiroth might be travelling between the timelines#and i'm thinking... zackseph reunion maybe? 👀#he was also calling genesis but the trailer was from Ever Crisis right?#so what's going awn.......#i've seen ppl saying the tornado which potentially killed the party probably let weiss nero AND genesis out...#out of the deepground i mean#so does that mean zack will have to face the three of them at some point? that happened in HIS timeline#anyway i'm rambling ajskhakjs i HAVE TOO MANY QUESTIONS
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I'm not going to pretend it doesn't make me angry that I spend months and years trying to peddle my work to make ends meet, that I spend so much time mentioning my books and comms and everything, and people ignore that consisently... But the moment I finally break under the hopelessness - when it's obvious that it's fucking futile, that almost no one deems my work good enough to share with anyone else - suddenly they're concerned and scolding me. I'm working several jobs, bathing, generally keeping things clean, and I do this with several health problems including chronic pain. I found out that one of my cysts is growing and I may need to have it surgically removed. Which means potentially missing work to recover. Which means more money I lose. I spend so much time crawling out of the hole and it goes ignored, but the moment I just give up bc I don't have any strength left, suddenly that's my fault and I'm mentally sick. And that kind of makes me wish my entire situation upon people, and when they whine that it's hard, well fuck you, you thought I could ace it so surely you can, babe! I hate being angry about this, but it's just so exhausting to tell people who accuse me of not trying that I HAVE I HAVE SO FUCKING HARD AND YOU DID NOT PAY ATTENTION THEN Or you know you're attempting to gaslight me by claiming I didn't try despite that I obviously have worked my ass off trying, and that's so much fucking worse
#mcalhen personal#and I'm not saying I'm not mentally ill but ffs stop using it as a weapon to discredit people when they have the solutions right there#feels like people hate my writing and me and that's why I didn't go “I got the job” bc friends who never support me would be like#“I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU CONGRATS” cool I'm not I spend an entire day usually recovering from very calm shifts at a job I like#but the moment I publish a book it's not congrats it's I don't know this guy I don't know Cal and I'm gonna pretend I never saw anything#I don't even hate my goddamn job even tho it can be stressful but it's the easiest thing for mostly just 2 days a week#but it is not sustainable and I cannot survive on this and disability would be invasive as hell and y'all don't know shit about how they#treat disabled people in this country but goddamn I have watched that shit unfold with my autistic brother who can't work#and I can never help him at this rate#bc I can't help myself#I can't help anyone#and saying that is a big fucking issue with people who think if they say 'it gets better keep going' I'll magically unfuck my life#as if I haven't spent the entirety of my life trying to unfuck things#as if I didn't give myself an education in spite of my family#y'all never been threatened with physical violence bc you weren't supposed to ask for school supplies and it fucking SHOWS#I have learned so many things on my own time out of sheer desire to better myself and my situation#but at a point where nothing works out and each day is just filled with more bad news#at what point am I actually allowed to give up?#or am I supposed to just keep this up until I die with 40 more years of collected bullshit pain#bc if you want me to live like this for 40 years then... you never cared at all#and what's so stupid is that I really want to earn my living by doing the work#I work on my art and writing but let's just admit that it's pathetic already#no mental health services or pills will erase that I'm a pathetic garbage can of uselessness#also I realize no one owes me anything like boosting my work or w/e#but also don't ask me to turn rotten ingredients into a feast and say I'm not trying when I can't fucking do it
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Ahhhhhhh there's this guyyyy at work and I've been like 97% sure for a lil bit now that he LIKES likes me and we friended each other on FB recently n he just messaged me asking if I'm married or have a boyfriend and AHHHHH now I have anxiety I told him no bc it's the truth but I don't know what to say next if he asks anything else 💀
#I am actually going to die#real shit#I do like him btw but I don't think I LIKE like him#tho since I've seen this coming for a while now I've thought about what it might be like dating him and#I can't say I think it would be the worst#I just#I am not looking for a relationship right now or possibly ever and I don't see a future with anyone in particular#besides my friends and family of course#like I don't want to reject him 'cause he's super sweet and kind and also funny but also. I suck at relationships. so bad#I know I'm going to fuck it up if we start dating. or. or maybe I won't. but that was my mistake last time I dated someone.#I thought that maybe this time I could do it right. and I didn't. I fucked it up. actually the last three times.#I just don't think I'm meant to have one and now it's not really something I want anymore. but also in the back of my mind I really would#like to have. SOMEONE. who's always there for ME. who I put before myself and who appreciates the things I do for them.#someone to give lil gifts to. maybe flowers if they like them. Valentine's Day dates or a box of candy. kisses goodnight. Idk SOMETHING.#I am gonna think about this real hard. and maybe I'll see if he wants to hang out outside of work sometime. nothing serious just to chill#except that I don't have transportation#just know that I am screaming internally and also it's 2:38 AM and like the worst time to think about important things.
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#tag talk#I feel good cause a new friend at work said something about how my boyfriend hasn't talked much to him since meeting me#And I was like uh oh I do not want to be that bitch#and I know he's been trying to organize some kind of game might and I was like rip you can't get him to play stardew valley with you#and I don't like stardew valley so I was like hey what about minecraft? because if I get them playing together on a realm then It's fixed#so anyway now I might have a new server and friend group to play with and hopefully I'll be less in the way of the preexisting friend group#because I'm really conscious of when I'm the reason stuff goes poorly so I don't wanna be a reason friends don't hang out anymore.#cause that shit sucks. jealous girlfriend type can go die I ain't about hogging people I don't feel good about it.#I just want everyone to get along and be friends#I'm putting in the work to learn bedrock mechanics. that's how committed I am to this. I hate variations on an established base.#it's the autistic in me for sure. I loathe multiple versions of songs. there can only be one true version. one right answer. all else is bad#so the slight discrepancies between bedrock and Java drive me absolutely nuts bonkers up the wall#I read a really good twilight fanfic and it rewired my brain and now I'm forever mixing up which is cannon and which is fanfic#because my brain immediately booted the version I preferred less and installed the new fanfic version as the correct right version#anyway. I'm hunting tutorials that actually explain the mechanics and taking notes so I know how to adjust the designs for aesthetics#because you need the minimum mechanical base to work before you can ad lib a building style and design onto the structural framework#I figured out the iron farm mechanics so tomorrow I think I'm gonna work on gold farm stuff. and redstone I just want to learn myself
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Me: has my sixth sudden crying spell of the week
Also me: "yeah but I'm probably not ACTUALLY depressed"
#gonna be honest boys. I have been feeling like dogshit#started with me having a good ol' existential spiral at 4 am a week ago and now I don't even know what's bothering me#and then there's all of the bad stuff going on making me anxious for myself and everybody on top of everything#all the abhorrent transphobia has been making me feel worried for the future#(as if the passing of time doesn't already horribly scare me but I digress)#idk man. I already feel like I'm unequipped for the future because I've realized I never thought I'd still be alive right now#majority of my childhood was filled with adults preaching at me to think about where I'd be going in the afterlife so I did just that#that plus they were the type to believe that the rapture is soon cause “the signs are all coming true”#so I always thought that either that would happen or I'd die before now#well. I'm still here and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.#and I'm lonely. really fucking lonely and I'm going mad cause of it#never had actual friends besides the kids I was with at my old private school. now they're all raging conservatives who mock minorities#I was able to get away but moving on isn't as easy as I hoped#it'd be so much easier to betray all my beliefs and act ignorant again so I can have my friends back#but of course I can't do that. I can't throw out who I am and all of the wonderful people I know who would be “sinful” in their eyes#idk man. I think I've finally reached the breakdown I've been feeling coming for the past two years#fuck. sorry for this trauma dump of a post. I've just felt numb for months and now everything's catching up to me#needed to yell about it I guess#vent#phoenix prattles
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wow my last post was in Feb so despite not really having a following here I still feel obligated to say I'm going through a Bad Time both mentally and physically rn I can't even be bothered to think about or play Yakuza or do anything really. not dead but I sure feel like I'm on the way there rn. won't be here for a while take care everyone
#ray txt#well if you really wanna know the tmi details I'm putting it in the tags because I love overshsring#short version is entered depressive episode couldn't regulate my emotions constant crying and racing thoughts and mood swings#eventually psychosomatic symptoms caused by anxiety gets bad enough I start also having health anxiety and freaking out that I had some#disease or illness and that I was gonna die#if you've ever had your body feel like it's dying because of anxiety it's the typical shit#chest feels tight and like it's being crushed and like I can't breathe#random pains all over sometimes muscles or stabbing pains across torso#random nausea sweating and constant loss of appetite but maybe that was the depression#anyway after multiple crying sessions and nights where I couldn't sleep until like 8am and my parents considering putting me in#psych rehab (idea got scrapped) I go see some specialists#they check my blood piss uterus (irregular cycles I only get it every 2-4 months for years now)#and x-rays and they tell me actually everything looks fine physically! there's nothing wrong anywhere they can see and all my Levels are#perfectly Normal and Average I don't have a disease or illness or deficit#so all those pains and suffering really was just psychologically manifested and my brain made it up#andi know it's true because after that visit the chest pain was a lot less Andi can breathe better now#wait but that's not the end of it!#the gyne thinks I could have PCOS but can't confirm so I get my hormones tested and turns out I have more prolactin than normal#that fool made it sound like I Needed to get a MRI scan to check the gland that produces it in my brain or whatever#i go see an endocrinologist who says oh actually the extra prolactin is most likely just from your psychiatric medications#turns out if you take those it's commonly seen to go up so I didn't have to get scanned#this was optional but he suggested I take cabergoline to lower it and also get my menstruation regular again#and that's what I'm doing now but I feel like I had forgotten what having a period is like after always going for months without it#Oh and then I saw a new psychiatrist. because I had serotonin syndrome before and my body reacts badly to medications I've taken#he suggests a sensitivity blood test which I agreed to IMMEADIATELY because I've spent almost a whole decade taking all sorts of meds and#none of it working out#I haven't gotten the results back but he also said SSRIs are out of the question#although I've tried a bunch of antipsychotics and (prescribed) ADHD medications and they didn't work out#really want this fucking test because taking a med and then getting blasted with side effects makes me feel like a guinea pig being#experimented on
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I think I'm gonna die in my sleep in this hotel room Like Actually. It's small and stuffy and it's hot outside and it doesn't even have a WINDOW. There's a small vent and a whatchamacallit fan but even if I keep it on the whole night I'm like. I already feel lightheaded in here and I may be tired but it's not just that the air is Really Bad. Like actually. It's really bad in here I'm gonna be sick
#venlapost#i don't usually even know 'bad air' is someone will be complaining and I'm just like huh?? what?? i don't notice anything#all my five senses suck#and i am very unperceptive as well#but christ I'm dizzy#like. more than usual. it feels like shit here y'all#legit a little bit afraid of how the night's gonna go;;#and what can i do to fix it!!#the fan is on what more can i do! there's no window to open and i can't open the door either!!#genuinely kind of scared lol#i know I'm not actually going to DIE die. but it's gonna be bad. so bad. I'm chronically dehydrated and shit#I'm gonna go full my water bottle AGAIN and like pray or something
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why is this MY LIFEEE i've been crushing on this girl all year who's an RA in my building and i literally don't even know her name or if she even likes girls (she gives vibes like she does though) but she's so cute and she has this dog who i always see that's adorable too and anyways yeah i have this stupid insane crush on this girl who doesn't know i exist. anyways just now i was sitting outside staring at the moon feeling sorry for myself and a little dramatic and she comes outside with her dog and her dog runs up to me and she lets me pet them and we talk for a little bit but then she i guess needs to wear her dog out a little so they go to sleep so she plays catch with her dog while i go back to being dramatic staring at the sky and then i left because i freaked out and couldn't go talk to her like a normal fucking person. and she didn't really give the vibes that she even really wanted to be friends with me like she was kinda just being polite while i was obviously more into our convo so i think i need to just leave it alone but this is horrible. i've liked her all year and we finally talk for the first time out of nowhere in a situation which quite frankly feels like fate but nothing happens i don't even catch her name and she doesn't ask me for mine. and it's the end of the year and i'm literally never gonna see her again. i hate my life so much why is the universe constantly playing a cosmic joke on me
#shut up hanna#i had sobered up by the time she got there too so i'm gonna remember this whole thing i wanna die#it's probably better that i don't get to know her so i can live in this little fantasy of what she might be like#bc for all i know she might be straight or she more likely has a girlfriend that she's in love with and i'm just insane and delusional#but it's so sad nothing like this ever happens to me and it really did kinda feel like fate#and i don't like feeling like i had a chance and wasted it by not talking to her more. idm#maybe i'm not totally sobered up actually or this wouldn't be driving me crazy#i was also like obviously having a bad time before she showed up and was kinda planning on crying while staring at the moon in a very#dramatic but cathartic kinda way#but she and her adorable dog made me feel so much better and that honestly kinda piaawa#pisses me off#ok i need to go to bed good night
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