#i know I haven't been online a lot lately because life but trust that it is always glimbow hours over here

[tippenfunkaport]

The way his little smile gets wider and his eyebrows crinkle when she looks at him, please I cannot with them

[lolaandthens0me]

I've been 2 years single after a long relationship with someone who only kink-shamed me for loving ABDL. I was stuck because I wanted to "save the relationship," and ultimately, it ended. Now, I'm almost 40 and haven't been able to connect with anyone. What's your advice, as someone with healthy relationships, to someone who has often felt like he'll stay alone forever?

Hello Anon!

I am so sorry to hear that you were shamed in your last relationship. Kink shaming is awful. You are loved and accepted here, and I thank you for reaching out. Unfortunately, I think most people fear and ridicule what they don't understand and that can leave loved ones feeling alone, ashamed, and unable to feel trust and vulnerability with their partner. That is a really hard place to be in, and it is my hope that you are finding ways to heal and move forward.

As someone who left a longterm relationship in my late-30s, mostly for reasons relating to not feeling able to fully be myself within that relationship, I empathize with you as you enter into this kink world wanting to find a partner and also feeling very old in that process. Here are some things that helped me grow and lead me to the healthy (and kinky!) relationships I have now.

Doing therapy to help better understand myself, my wants and needs, and find a place of self-love and acceptance

Becoming an active communicator vs. a passive one

Putting myself out there with the intent of forming connections and friendships, not focusing on finding "the one"; seeking out those online and in-person that were open-minded, empathetic, and living life in an authentic way

Understanding and asking for the types of relationships I was looking for

Being open to whatever and whoever the Universe brought my way

Spreading kindness and acceptance

Learning to speak with honesty even when it seemed too hurtful, hard, or confrontational

Picking up new hobbies and interests that forced me into meeting new people and expanding my social circle

Finding the courage and excitement to go to my first CAPCon and put myself out there the whole time with openness and exuberance

Learned to listen to my heart

I hope something in this list speaks to you and is helpful. I know a lot of these things are way easier said than done, but working on these things was truly transformational for me. A good place to start is to write down a couple of lists: "Things I Need" and "Things I Want". I did this as I began my growth journey and would periodically go back to my lists to keep myself accountable, inspired, and on the right track.

Never hesitate to reach out and look for support. And - I am rooting for you.

[mywitchyblog]

hey! i just wanted to say I love your posts, they have been really insightful. now, I don't really know if you answer these, but I will try anyways: do you have any advice for an "older" shifter? i haven't shifted yet and every single shifter I see is either a teenager or just above the age of 18. i know it's silly, but i can't help but wonder if maybe I'm too old for this, or maybe it's harder for me because I'm older. I'm currently in my mid-20s and i'd really love to experience other realities, but my age makes me really self-conscious.

Hey! First off, thank you so much for your kind words! I’m really glad that my posts have been insightful for you, and I appreciate you reaching out.

Now, to your question—I think this is an incredibly important topic, so I’m glad you brought it up. Honestly, you’re not alone in feeling this way. A lot of older shifters or those who are just starting out later in life express similar concerns, so let's break it down:

"Maybe I'm too old for this."

Absolutely not! You are never too old to shift, and it’s never too late to begin your journey. Shifting is not something bound by age. Whether you're in your mid-20s, 30s, or beyond, the ability to explore other realities doesn’t diminish with time. If anything, life experience and maturity can make your shifting journey richer. It’s a misconception—often perpetuated by younger communities like Shiftok—that shifting is somehow reserved for teens or young adults. But that’s simply not true. Shifting is a deeply personal and timeless practice, and you deserve to explore it fully, without limiting yourself based on age.

"Maybe it's harder for me because I'm older."

It's important to understand that shifting is not intrinsically harder because of your age. However, it can feel more challenging due to the mental and emotional conditioning we've picked up over the years. As we age, we tend to accumulate more doubts, limiting beliefs, and external pressures. These things can sometimes cloud our ability to let go and embrace the shifting process. But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible or inherently more difficult—just that it may take some extra work to unlearn those blocks. Shifting is as hard or easy as you allow it to be; don’t let societal or internalized pressures convince you otherwise.

"I'd really love to experience other realities."

Then do it! That desire to explore other realities is valid and worth pursuing, no matter your age. Whether it's to experience new dimensions, timelines, or alternative versions of yourself, your curiosity is a driving force that will help you in the process. Pop off and dive into it with excitement! There’s no age restriction on exploring the multiverse—your potential to shift is as boundless as your imagination.

"But my age makes me really self-conscious."

This is a completely understandable feeling, and it’s something I’ve heard from others too. There’s a certain pressure in the shifting community, especially online, where younger shifters dominate the space, and that can make older individuals feel out of place. But trust me, age should not make you feel self-conscious about shifting. If anything, your age gives you unique perspectives and strengths in the shifting process that younger people might not have.

Now, here's something I feel really strongly about: stick to your age range. And here’s why—if you saw my storytime, "My Hatred of Shiftok," you know I talked about how toxic and hypocritical some teenage shifters can be. Many of them uphold nonsensical double standards and promote an environment where older shifters might feel out of place or judged for being “too old.” There’s this idea that shifting is only for younger people, which is completely false. A lot of these younger shifters are inexperienced and push harmful narratives, making it difficult for older shifters to feel welcome. That's why I strongly recommend staying true to your age and experience level.

There’s no reason to follow the misguided standards set by people who are still figuring out their own shifting journey. You have wisdom and maturity on your side, and that can be a huge asset. I’ve also written extensively about shifting and age, so I’d recommend checking out my posts on the topic. They reflect my personal beliefs, knowledge, and experience, all backed by solid arguments that show why age isn’t, and shouldn’t be, a barrier.

If you're interested in aging yourself down to experience another side of life, that’s also a valid option to explore through shifting. But don’t feel pressured to change your age just because you’re self-conscious about it. You’re not wrong to feel that way, but I want to emphasize that you don’t need to shift your age just to fit in.

In short, don’t let your age hold you back or make you doubt your ability to shift. Your self-consciousness is a valid feeling, but it doesn’t define your journey. Shifting is about exploring your consciousness, your potential, and your desires. You deserve to experience it fully, no matter how old (or young) you are.

At the end of the day, shifting is a personal practice meant to enhance your life and help you grow. Your age doesn’t limit that; only your mindset does.

[prince-of-petrichor]

i've experienced this same type of thing with other conditions of mine, but for some reason this one hurt a lot. and i wanted to share for anyone else that is going through the same thing.

lately i've been trying to work on coping with OCD symptoms that have been becoming more debilitating due to some current life stressors, and i've actually been managing really well. but, when you have multiple illnesses (mental or physical), and you put a lot of focus on one of them, symptoms of something else can start to crop up.

and so i noticed that my AvPD was starting to get worse. im isolating, and feeling like everything i do will be seen as stupid, selfish, or attention seeking. but i've found that opposite action helps the most in these situations, and that in truth i probably do actually need some attention right now, as i haven't been socializing very much. which yes, even us with SzPD/AvPD, are social creatures who need some level of human interaction.

and so i took to the trusty internet for advice on healthy ways to ask for attention. but sadly, whether i focused the search to AvPD or to just avoidant/shy behavior in general, i couldn't manage to find any tips or resources for those of us that *are* avoidant, only for how to deal with us.

so here are a few tips for anyone else that's struggling with avoidant behavior/AvPD*:

Take deep breaths before asking for help/attention (this helps activate our parasympathetic nervous system so we can feel safer while we do this)

Tell the people that you trust exactly what's going on and how they can help (for example, today I went to my mom and said "I am really struggling today with wanting to isolate because I don't feel like anything I do is right. I am feeling really irritable because of this, please spend some time with me today, but understand that I may be short/grumpy to start." this type of dialogue can be really difficult when you have alexithmyia, but i promise with practice it gets easier)

Take a break from social media (when you're already struggling with poor self image, it's really hard to not make twisted comparisons to those we see online, give yourself some time away from screens to recenter and remind yourself of your value)

Opposite action (I mentioned this earlier but it can look like many different things. For example: doing things you know will be beneficial to your mental health despite feelings of anhedonia like playing video games/making art, asking for help despite the anxiety that tells you not too, or spending time with friends despite wanting to isolate more)

*note that these tips come from my personal lived experience, and I am not a medical professional.

[shifting-shadows-writes]

hi. i'm back.

to my lovely lovely friends, i am so sorry for abandoning y'all. especially @sorrowlovingbirds i hope you are doing alright and i would love to stay in contact with you.

it's almost november again and i'm finally in a good spot to share a bit about what has happened in the past year and honestly before that too.

i'm putting this below a cut. this is long and chaotic and i'm really sorry that this is my returning post to tumblr and my little ywp community but i owe y'all an explanation, and i'm hoping i can speak out now about what i experienced.

this is my turn to step forward about the nano drama of last year, and my apology letter to any friends i've worried.

(tw the nanodrama, mental health spirals, toxic/abusive friendships, bigotry and threats)

for any of y'all who see this post and don't know me, my name is shadows. my first foray into the online world was the nanowrimo young writers program forums.

i'm sure many of y'all have heard about the abuse and trauma many of us have faced, and if you haven't, my friends have plenty of posts about it.

i joined the forums in april of 2020. i was lonely and isolated and the community there helped me figure myself out.

i wasn't particularly active most of the time. i had a few friends. people i knew and liked drifted in and out, and i had no way to contact them.

i ended up in a toxic friendship with someone on nano and it took a year to cut that off. i was going through my own separate mental health shit at the time so i didn't really realize how bad that person was for me for a while.

that was the first time i really learned people on nano and the internet weren't always who they said they were. i had learned internet safety and i kept my own life fairly private, but it didn't occur to me that other people who didn't keep their lives private could lie about the details.

at some point i joined the ywp discord server, moderated by basically the popular kids of the forums. (i hope y'all don't mind that i say this; it's how i viewed it.)

i learned other kids had been going through some of the same stuff i had--bullying, grooming, etc and had received little to no support from the moderators for it.

collectively we had a very jaded view of nano, but i think we all felt it was our duty to protect other younger users. (this led many members of this server to spiral in mental health because they had to deal with all the drama.)

but things were okay ish for me. i had recovered and i was pretty active on both the nano forums and the discord server.

then october 7, 2023 happened. (it will become very clear why this is relevant soon.)

i am not a politically involved person. i know a little between history class and what my parents have explained to me, but political dynamics always confused me and upset me so i generally avoided things.

being a jewish kid, i had a vague understanding of israeli history. i knew it existed and how old it was and i could recognize it on a map. i knew there was an ongoing war and that it was complicated. i knew the idf had mandatory service from my israeli camp counselors (most of whom had served roles other than active fighters) and i was confused that people would attack gal gadot for having served when it's mandatory. but that was it. my working knowledge of israel was basically nonexistent.

and all of a sudden, i was expected to know everything.

nano had a lot of jewish kids, all of whom seemed to know way more than i did. i got most of my information from them, and from my parents. (a little from school.)

in theory, i'd had lessons on the history of zionism and different branches of what zionism agreed with, i'd read israeli founding documents, i'd had a brief history of the conflict explained to me.

in practice, i hadn't paid attention to any of that. i didn't know what was going on, but i knew that i was expected to. i also didn't trust non-jews to give me information, in part due to a specific incident on nano which happened a few weeks later.

on october 13 somewhere in my community was targeted with a bomb threat. i told my friends on nano about it because it was scary and i wanted support. they gave it to me.

i also ended up writing and posting a brief overview of antisemitism (using knowledge i'd gathered from hebrew school and the internet for fact checking). here is the link to that if anyone wants to read it. the wording was last updated in december 2023.

it was pretty common practice on the nano forums to write a psa about something you'd noticed or that had affected you recently, and i had several other people say they would like a psa on antisemitic tropes and dogwhistles.

not long after i posted that, someone in a "diverse character help" thread asked for help writing a palestinian character. i will call them eva as that was part of their username and i need to refer to them.

one of my friends who is from northern israel responded with a bit of basic background information.

the response eva provided did not seem to line up with anything my friend had said. i was already wary of a non-jewish non-palestinian person writing a story about israeli/palestinian dynamics as that is incredibly complex, and i could tell eva was not well informed.

so i responded to the thread, warning eva that this was a sensitive and complicated topic and as a jew i felt someone israeli or palestinian should be writing this book. if eva isn't from israel like my friend is, maybe don't write a main character from the area. let actual palestinians tell their stories.

(unfortunately, i do not have my exact wording, though i did save their posts. i will be paraphrasing my responses to the best of my ability; i will paraphrase eva's and pull relevant quotes.)

eva responded to my message by saying: "Im not from PALESTINE, but I am VERY familiar with the topic" (even though they didn't seem to be).

they continued: "I want to inform people about the TRUTH. [...] Maybe you should try doing more research as to what is ACTUALLY happening, not what the internet and social networks have been lying to you about."

a reminder here that i had not mentioned anything more than: leave talking about palestinian trauma to palestinians. not what "side" i took (it is so much more complicated than that).

they continued to accuse me of not having a heart or having a bit of human in myself.

my antisemitism dogwhistle alert was blaring. i had just spent a week writing that psa, and here were real life examples of exactly the tropes i had been talking about!

but i kept my cool. mostly. i held a hope they could be reasoned with. "don't write this, please. you do not know what you're talking about. i think your perception of the conflict is just going to hurt people."

i need to include most of their next post.

"Netanyahu even said he will not stop bombing, killing and torturing Palestinians. The media has really gotten to you. Even some Jews are on the side of the truth, because they know, killing thousands of innocent civilians is wrong. Are you going to ignore the protests that are going on, because HUMANS actually care? You don't have to be Muslim to support the ones who are oppressed. I hope God puts you in the same situation as the Palestinians are going through right now. And I hope that you get to experience that. Does it really not hurt you to see kids bombed into pieces, getting Phosphoric Acid on you? Have YOU ever talked to a Palestinian because I have. You are blind as to what is going on. And don't come at me saying, "WeLl WhAt AbOuT hAmAs? At least they know who to challenge. You evacuated from Germany because of Hitler, and now you're doing the same. Netanyahu is Hitler in disguise. Beheading babies! Is that normal to you? If so, I hope you figure out what is right and what is wrong, and not being influenced by the media."

this whole paragraph was full of antisemitism accusing jews of being inhuman and controlling the media. and accusing me of being inhuman and unable to tell right from wrong.

the kicker is that i mentioned zero politics. i did not mention netanyahu or how i feel about him. i did not mention hamas or how i feel about them.

but what really got me was this: "I hope God puts you in the same situation as the Palestinians are going through right now. And I hope that you get to experience that. Does it really not hurt you to see kids bombed into pieces"

i had received an active bomb threat about a week beforehand. i didn't need to imagine going through that--i very nearly had.

i couldn't respond. i knew i would respond poorly and i would say something i didn't mean.

luckily, my friend stepped in once again and agreed with me, telling eva to stop and that they were misinformed. my friend, having lived in israel, had more knowledge of the active situation than me and tried to explain this to eva.

and eva responded with this:

"At least YOU actually have some knowledge but not enough. I will not say any more because I don't want to waste my precious words on you guys. [...] But, at the end, false knowledge doesn't work on me. Israelis and Jews are different, as I've heard and seen from different Jews myself."

if someone who lived in the area doesn't have enough knowledge, who does?

this rant is cut down because after saying they "don't want to waste [their] precious words" on us, they continued to accuse us of being immoral, uninformed, and duped by the media.

then finally: "israelis and jews are different." what? does the media controlling immoral inhuman stereotype only apply to israelis? are half of the world's jews different from the other half?

more of the same conversation happened. other users stepped in defending me from a literal bomb threat and the accusation that jews or israelis or "the media" or whatever else were corrupt, immoral, and inhuman.

the whole thread was removed, though some people asked for my original response (leave these stories to people who have actually experienced it) to stay up, as it was an important point.

this was one of many frustrating moderation decisions made recently on the site, and one of many where a mod stepped in only when things got wildly out of hand. (not to mention the speed of moderation response suggested the mod had been active while that conversation had been ongoing.

it was also one of the last straws for us. just a few days later, we posted about what we had faced on the ywp site to the main forums.

y'all can find what happened next on my friends' accounts. there was drama and investigations and a ton more stuff we didn't even know about.

i was glad we had kept receipts from all the times we had felt hurt. we had evidence that we were being mistreated, and the adults on the main site rallied to our side.

it turns out the main staff didn't even know the teens had a separate forum space on our own website.

the forums were shut down. i don't know if i was relieved or upset. there was a lot of community and collaborative work and safe space for so many kids out there. i know many kids from abusive families who got away with having the social media of a writing forum and found friends and explored their identities. and at the same time we faced so much shit on that site.

the discord server continued though it turned into much the same problems as the site. there were cliques and constant gossip and now it wasn't even moderated by adults but by involved teenagers.

by febuary i was stressed. it had been a rough few months for a lot of reasons, and i had happened to have a particularly bad day with people getting mad at me that i vented about. even though i put it under spoiler marks and tagged it, i was told not to post it there, which frustrated me since i'd posted much the same stuff before. then later a fight where some people disagreed with me just set me over the edge.

that was when i last posted on tumblr. i was having a meltdown and not in a good headspace.

i took a hard break. i deleted every single messaging/social app from my phone, even the ones that had nothing to do with the drama. i stopped responding to or checking things entirely.

(it turns out the discord server shut down just weeks later due to drama anyway.)

i genuinely believed that everyone hated me and the only way i could make myself deal with that was to cut off contact with everyone.

i've spent the last 6 months dealing with my shit, getting better therapy, and slowly re-engaging.

to be honest i am proud of myself that i survived until now because things were very rough and i wasn't dealing well.

i'm in college now. i'm meeting new people and making new friends. things are going a lot better.

thank you to all the people on nano that gave me advice and encouragement about college and applications, and about my family emergencies and grief.

thank you to all the people on nano who stood up for me and supported me through the toxicity i faced while y'all dealt with your own.

i hope i've been able to do the same for some of you.

to some degree, this is the grad post i'd always hoped to make. i know most people won't see this, and i don't know how many of y'all will care. but i'm ok with that now. i'm sharing to get this off my chest and maybe also hope that my friends who see this will know where i've been.

i know what the worry is like when someone disappears and we don't know if they're in trouble with their parents or if they've had a mental health crisis or something. i've seen that play out on nano before.

to anyone who knows me, you're welcome to reach out. i won't be super active on here. but i will be here for any of you who need my support. y'all gave me yours.

this is a bittersweet goodbye to nano as well. the forums have been gone for nearly a year and i will not be participating in the challenge this fall.

i will remember our little community, the good and the bad. i hope i will remember what i've learned from it.

keep writing, lovelies. keep being your amazing selves.

-shadows

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

hi Ms PMD9🌸a lot of wild stuff has been happening in my life lately but it's in a good way I feel? I could never find the time to slow down for my usual hobbies because I've been so.. interested in what I'm doing IRL which is pretty e.O. Quite a new emotion for me! I started college a few weeks back & have been slowly getting out of my shell & just did a handful of days ago! :-) I was feeling pretty lonely in campus & felt a bit lost in what to do so I turned to my tarot deck & knowing her, she just gave me more confirmation for my intuition on what I needed to do (which is just to reach out first).

As a guy who doesn't typically do that sort of thing, it felt ...Nerve wracking but I eventually did to the first guy who came into mind out of all the people in my block & it went pretty well! It's only now that I understand how good it feels to take control of your life because, well... you're the one who's living it so might as well. It's only in recent years that I realized I let relationships happen to me so stepping out of that circle was a "woah" moment.

I know the people around me there are likeminded people considering the course I chose, it's just that I haven't gotten to know them very well yet(& the fact that we see each other in-person twice a week isn't helping lol), so I want to take more steps forward, even if I'm a bit late in doing so. I trust that where I am is a place for me to grow more as an individual & in situations like these, I could feel it.

this makes me happy 😭🙏 thanku for sharing your good life progress w me... At the end you said you think you're a bit late in doing stuff like this but no need to be hard on yourswlf i dont think thats true : ) Many people of all ages struggle to reach out & initiate social activities , it can get hard once ur older too And no longer in a setting like school so i think youre right on track 👍

its inspiring ur taking initiative and recognizing the power to shape your life comes from You first ^_^ Enjoying irl is the most important its why ive not been online lately i feel kind of bad cus i hope no one on here thinks i am a neglectful friend/mutual i just really want to make sure im enjoying being presence. A lot of stuff has been happening in a upward spiral for me too since i been taking control of my reality So i relate to this message a lot even if we are at fdifferent stages in life 🐎

Keep doing your think and following your intuition ➡️ Never be afraid to make the first move ;D Thankyou again for messaging 🪷 idk why im answering at 1am but i hope ur having a pleasant eclipseful night Anon 🌕💛 PMD9!

[thegrimreaperisanerd]

hii i have a maybe somewhat difficult question:

how do you go about writing all of the police/detective stuff? I have no knowledge at all about that except having played the game a few times and watching bbc sherlock back when that was a thing.

I have so many cool kimharry things in my mind that i need to get on paper but i don't know how to involve all the cop stuff in a natural way because i don't know anything about it and don't want it to be too wildly incorrect.

so yeah.. how do you even learn the things for this?

thank you so much i love your work

Quite a difficult question I won't lie...... But I've answered at length so it's going under a readmore

This isn't my favourite thing to discuss online as it can trigger my psychosis, but I have an actual dismaying amount of experience with cops. I don't want to talk about it but... Bit like Cuno I suppose. Good ending for that kid is doing public services training ages 14 - 16, and going "oh this is shit actually" once he's got an out from his abusive parent, then working at a restaurant

I quite literally cannot go into detail - so don't ask because I WILL delete this post - but an ex military police officer told us a "funny story" about a "prank" he played on some kids in an occupied location during the late 80s that I recognised as psychological torture, but made my peers laugh. So I decided to become a faggot and poet instead.

~NOW FOR THE FUN ADVICE THAT IS ACTUALLY OF USE TO YOU!

Research:

Honestly, the amount of time I spend looking up stuff for writing is probably more than the time I spend writing. The internet's being fucked by SEO but it's a start. Like... There's plenty of info out there written on the police and their role in systematic oppression, I'm pretty sure there's free PDFs floating around on Tumblr actually...

If it's more "day in the life" I honestly don't know. Maybe reddit or if there's one of those "Ex-[blank} reviews [blank] in movies" videos on Youtube for cops, but obviously take everything said with a pinch of salt.

FAYDE:

Fayde is the best tool at your disposal. We bully Kim a lot for his dedication to the RCM but that makes finding out info pretty easy. EDC too! I've never played with high EDC so just typing in key words (especially names of other officers to try and get character info) and scrolling through is helpful.

Good keywords are "precinct", "RCM", "Militicia" as they'll bring up opinions/ info from other characters.

The RCM is not a traditional police force:

I would worry less about accuracy and more about being interesting. It doesn't need to be a perfect representation of police work since the canon makes a point of there being a distinction in the powers and roles of the RCM. Go listen to the collapsing tenement cut content. You don't need to write about them filling in forms if it's not relevant. It'll show in your writing if you're unsure/ bored.

Make them worse:

If you're going to write one of the officers doing something shitty (yes, that includes Kim and Harry) but worry that you've gone too far then I promise you haven't. Dickheads are drawn to positions of power and the impunity it gives them. There's a reason I wrote one of the 57's officers as a groomer.

Make them less competent:

Don't trust the police, but also don't expect anything of them.

As recently as Monday I had to call for the fire brigade because a lit (thankfully poorly made) petrol bomb had been left under a neighbour's car (I live an irritatingly interesting life for somebody who lives in the middle of fucking nowhere) nobody was harmed. Cop came to find me afterwards to get an interview from me since I'd spotted it and he told me, I kid you not, "Yeah, we're not gonna do anything unless anything else happens." Like, I expected as much but I wasn't expecting him to up and fucking say that. You're welcome for 85% of my council tax, you fucking moron.

Harry's a special case because he's, like, psychic and got "maybe if I solve *THIS* one my wife will let me sleep in the big bed" disorder, and nobody wants to read a case fic that they... don't solve (or do they..? *winks*) But if you care about realism you need dick-in-hand dipshits. Another favourite quote of mine from an officer two years back; "Is 'right wing' the good one or the bad one?" So the advice here is you're writing a cop well if you're reading it and thinking: holy shit please just go work at a TESCOs instead.

Don't worry so much:

You should write, first and foremost, for yourself. I like detective fiction, I have wasted an unfortunate amount of my life dealing with police due to my job and shit childhood. (I did originally write far more about this, but frankly it's better for myself if I don't bother. That's why it's taken me five days to answer this)

I've read/ watched a lot of detective fiction and I'm always more drawn to stuff that is less based in police work. Private investigators, investigative journalists, kid detectives like Nancy Drew, ect.

In particular my favourite book, perhaps of all time, is called Hideaway by Dean Koontz and is two fathers (one: the killer's father - a talented doctor who brought his shithead son back to life - and another, the doctor's most recent patient to be brought back from the brink who has developed a psychic link with the killer as a result) trying to stop him, but never actually meeting! It's one hell of a read if you need inspo.

Val McDermott is a good author for crime writing with less police input, too. She has a book called Killing The Shadows which is excellent. The Killer's motive is taking out crime writers who've romanticised psychological profilers after he was wrongly convicted. Fair enough! Until he starts... Killing about it? Sort of defeats the message... Anyway, what's fun about this book is that before each crime writer is killed (in the same way they wrote THEIR killers killing!! Love that) you get to read the first chapter of each writer's most famous work. So you are essentially getting six crime books in one (first chapter of at least) ...Also the main character's husband is a crime writer called Kit, which I've only remembered just double checking the book name now. Lol???

...This is just turning into me recommending books.

TLDR: write what you know, write what is fun, ACAB, don't even worry about it

[iguessitsjustme]

The thing with choose violence is that I know almost all your answers before I ask... but ANYWAY.

7, 12, 20, 24, 25

You already know the answers because you're stuck with my constantly chatting your ear off about everything. You're welcome. Anyway....oh just looked at these questions and oh. oh dear. I did say that I don't fully care about my answers but for some of these. Oof. Some of these I do care actually. You'll be getting a separate message from me because I can't give my first answer for some of these and you know which ones.

7. what character did you begin to hate not because of canon but because how how the fandom acts about them?

This one I don't really know. Umm..I don't have a lot of characters that I hate because of fandom. I don't generally let fandom influence my opinions like that. But I'm certain there are a few. There are probably more shows that I began to hate because of fandom rather than characters. Ummm...I'm just gonna say Porsche from KinnPorsche though I didn't really like him that much in the show either. But he would have been more tolerable to me without...whatever that was. One time I said he wasn't a good brother and people lost their shit. I stand by what I said about that.

12. the unpopular character that you actually like and why more people should like them

Maya from I Hear the Sunspot. I have already made many posts about Maya and I don't feel like getting into that again. I think she's a great character. Not a great person but she had wonderful growth. If you want more of my Maya thoughts, there are a couple of posts on my blog about it that I don't feel like digging up right now.

20. part of canon you found tedious or boring

Why is every show giving me flashbacks to something that happened five seconds ago in the same damn episode? It's driving me crazy. I'm bored rewatching something I JUST watched and also it's lazy storytelling. Flashbacks can be good but lately they're being used as a crutch and in doing so the show is telling me that it doesn't trust it's storytelling enough for the audience to remember what happened 5 minutes ago. Viewers do not need everything spelled out for them. We are smarter than that.

24. topic that brings up the most rancid discourse

There are many. I'll go with a simple answer. People are allowed to disagree on shows and people are allowed to criticize shows. Neither of those things are a personal attack.

25. common fandom complaint that you're sick of hearing

I haven't seen a whole lot of complaints lately actually. I think I've done an excellent job of curating my online space. I guess the complaint I'm tired of seeing other people rightfully complain about is shipping actors. I don't care what people enjoy as a hobby. I don't care if they ship real people. What I care about is when that shipping culture goes from fandom spaces to real life spaces and actors have their privacy invaded and they're forced to see it. None of the people I follow ever do that but I see them talk about it and how bad irl shipping with pair branded actors gets and I love them forever for talking about it. Acting is a job and when they aren't on the clock, what they do and who they're with is none of our business and we need to keep it that way.

Choose Violence Ask Game

[thefemcelthatdeservesbetter]

I like adult men

I think adults are the only people that seem remotely interested in me. I think it's kind of pathetic but it's better than nothing. It doesn't bother me because men are usually really sweet to me. However I think I'm too stupid for them. When I first talked with one, I was hesitant and I refused dating him despite how kind he was. I should've said yes. I've only talked to a few so far, but it's too bad i get blocked only because I answered late. It wasn't my fault, it was exam week for me. Maybe I should've acted more interested. When I chat with them, I'm always a little nervous, I'm not really bold. So when we stop talking, I regret many things. I think about all the things I could've said, all the things we could've talked about.

Sometimes I feel almost like a whore for liking the attention. But now that I think about it I think it's justified, all the other girls have attention from boys and girls their age, which I don't. So it's only fair, no? I don't see why I'd be called a whore only because they happen to be luckier than me. Actually,no, it is unfair. I should be getting way more than that. Everyone's having fun but me. It's summer, I should be having fun. When I tell my sisters that, they tell me I should hang out with my friends. I don't have friends. I only have one and she's in the countryside right now. Someone sent me a text message saying "born to rot in bed, forced to go to the beach". Shouldn't they be grateful? What's the hype with rotting in bed? I hate it. Even if I don't go out, I like walking around the house so I don't get too stiff.

I want to go to the beach too. It's been years since I haven't bought a swimsuit. I'll ask my mom if we could buy one.

I'm jealous of them. Other girls, I mean. They look very good in swimsuits. I look like a stick. I need to gain weight. I'm currently underweight, I want to gain 5 or more kilos. Perhaps it can also increase my bust size. It's UNFAIR!!!!! This world is so unfair. I think girls with large assets are whores. I hate them!!!

I shouldn't be living like this, what is wrong with me !!!!!! I don't understand what other kids have that I don't, why do they get friends so easily and so quickly. I don't understand why they stick together while I get abandoned every time I try trusting someone.

I'm bored

I have nothing to do

When I think about it I barely talk to my best friend too. I like her very much! Really. But I can't help but feel jealous of her. She's really pretty, really cool. I don't even know why she's friend with me. Every time she comes to see me after school, people that don't even know her say hi to her or compliment her. That boy "friend" I have that I got mad at texts her a lot, at some point he even had a crush on her. She has so many friends, and I know I'm not the one she likes the most, but I have to be grateful she even considers me her friend. She's younger than me too! She had so many boyfriends, so many friends. I know she struggles a lot, has issues with her parents and mental disorders but it doesn't matter. Because boys don't care about it at all. As long as her face is pretty and her body curvy, the rest is futile, they can "endure" or ignore it.

I don't understand how people's mind work at all, they're weird as fuck. Or maybe I'm just retarded. It's sort of pathetic

I wish I could be different

I wish I wasn't real, I wish the world could be blind

Sometimes people online think I'm cool, rarely, but they still do.

My two "friends" at school tell me I'm "worldwide" because I've interacted with people from overseas online. I think they mean that I'm a player or something. It's so wrong. Are they stupid? They only say that because that's all I talk about. Because other than the internet, I have no life. And most of those interactions didn't last long. Even online, people get bored of me. While I've seen one of those two boys has thousands of girls in his DMS that he barely talks of. Unlike him I don't try to flirt with anyone I know.

I'm so bored.

I hate everyone that's having fun right now. I hate women. I hate popular boys. I hate older teens. I hate teens. I hate babies. I hate boys' standards. I hate social butterflies. I hate my school. I hate my classmates. I hate even myself. I hate my dad. I hate summer. I hate seeing people smile. I hate female manipulators. I hate whores. I hate uhh to be bored. I hate everything. I hate how unfair life is. I hope I wake up tomorrow to see that everyone has disappeared!!!!

[my-castles-crumbling]

Hello Cas

I hope you're doing well. You're really cool and I find it really amazing how you are so kind & how you're so supportive on here.

My last few weeks haven't been going great and I'm not sure if I'm here to rant of for advice or even just to sort my own thoughts out but.

I do ballet but I also have problems with nausea, dizziness, vertigo, & chronic pain and am hyperflexable. This often means that I will be able to do barre/the beginning of my classes but not centre/the later parts of my classes, especially when I haven't slept as well (which is another issue entirely). I try my best to still mark even when I can't fully dance but I really hate the times I have to go up to my teacher and ask if I can mark the turns instead of spinning or even sit in the corner watching. And I don't know but I can't trust my body to do what it should be able to do and can do like easily 50% of the time and the harder stuff I can sometimes do on the first try and sometimes even try makes me start shaking with effort to the point of collapsing. Some days I can barely evn walk up & down the stairs that I'm required to. I also have started wearing a (sports) binder to dance both for dysphoria reasons and because I've previously had a lot of problems with my ribs kinda dislocating. It makes it a littler harder to breathe but It makes my ribs hurt a lot less & almost completely takes away the stabbing pains and I don't know I really don't.

I have a few family members (not including the kids because they're all under 10) who I have always held the most hope in. Cousin 1: is very opinionated and loud but has always encouraged me. Cousin 2: has been my favorite family member for a few years now & has a lot of similar interests to me. Girlfriend: cousin 1's girlfriend who hasn't been in my family for long (less than a year) but I had hope for because she likes reading & knows what Ao3 is (knowledge acquired carefully).

So, I'm genderfluid & pronounfluid and last week when I was at a family members house and I was showing cousin 1 (who is about 15 years older than me) and her girlfriend something. This somehow turned into 2 things. 1) She said that when people she cares about info dump about their intrests it is as disrespectful as being late (not due to like unexpected stuff, like regularly or always late by a significant amount) and while I see that those could both trigger the same emotions, me infodumping to my boyfriends and them infodumping back consentualy isn't disrespectful and she won't separate those ideas really and I don't know. It bothers me a lot. Particularly because I don't really care about her as a person and I find when people (even if I don't care about them) are excited about a topic it often becomes fascinating to hear about. 2) Xenogenders came up and she said that she actively does not support them and that they "dilute" the pride movement I was shocked by this as she's always been (or at least seemed to be) the most progressive person in my family & the only openly queer one. Since then I have asked her, her girlfriend, and her younger sister (cousin 2) about their thoughts on neo-pronouns and it/its pronouns as I use both (pronounfluid with it/he/she/they, [if it's online/when referring to me in general, any of these are cool] and always use all neo-pronouns that aren't xeno-pronouns). Turns out cousin 1 overall says that anyone who uses these are misinformed with 'highlights' including "and place an undue burden on people in their lives." and "and ultimately we are all inescapably human" (second one I have a problem with due to having been talked about and referred to as inhuman for so much of my life that now if I try and reclaim that and roll with it only then it becomes wrong?). Girlfriend is fine with neo-pronouns but finds the use of it/its as rude even if those are someone's preferred pronouns. Cousin 2 was the most nice (?) about it saying "I personally will use the pronouns someone prefers even if I don't think their reasoning for wanting them is sound or valid." and "Based on all the perspectives I have heard on the subject, I am currently of the perspective" however she goes on to state that, she thinks *both* it/its and neo-pronouns don't have any foundation within the English language currently used. Because of this she finds these pronouns to be "not something that folks should be expecting others to remember or use" And the process involved in any learning about these pronouns to be "Asking people to use a pronoun system other than he/she/they that they have never heard before is, mental effort wise, nowhere near as simple as a new name or adjective."

I don't want to burden those around me and even mostly just say it's complicated about my pronouns instead of explaining everything but with my closest people & those who take the time to ask further I use my preferred pronouns.

Cousin 2 also recently told me that she doesn't think QPR's are any different from friendship when I told her about my QPPs and I know she just doesn't understand but to me, while not being completely different do have some distinct differences and even if she doesn't get it I don't understand why she had to specify that.

And cousin 2 said "but were romantic" to my comment that despite her saying my cuddling my partner at Thanksgiving was weird (bad, uncomfortable, something to laugh at) last year that she is now cuddling with her partner and I know this isn't a big deal but *I am dating my partner* just cause it's platonically doesn't mean its not as serious or something both me and this partner are really cuddly as the pressure & warmth of another person we trust is a really comforting & pleasant thing. This also kinda ties in to what cousin 2 said and I know it's not the end of the world but I really love my partners and as far as I'm concerned they *are* my life partners and considering we've been happily dating for almost a year (and more previous to that but only just under a year of actually having and using the term QPR) and neither of them seen to accept this but maybe I just don't understand something.

-one of your followers (you can call me Matton if you'd like)

Hi Matton!

It sounds like you have a lot to deal with. I can't even imagine, and I hope you know you can vent in my inbox whenever you want.

I also want you to know that people (especially your family) don't need to accept something for it to be okay and valid. You are allowed to use whatever pronouns you want, and like...people don't need to have an opinion on YOUR pronouns when it's nothing to do with them. Same with your QPR. it's your life. People need to respect it and stop judging. If you've tried to explain and they aren't listening, then that's something wring with them, and it's not respectful. You're not hurting anyone, everything is consensual, you're not breaking any laws...there's not any reason for them to judge. Your pronouns and relationships are valid and deserve respect, period.

[sleepyjuice-juice]

Lately on the internet, there's been a lot of autism discussion. Which is good!!! People need to be informed!!! I know it was such a cathartic moment for me when i realized why I was the way I was, like there was finally an explanation for almost all the struggles I've encountered.

However, there's something I've been noticing about some of the online autism discussion - a lot of it centers around the exclusion experienced when autistics enter communities of allistics. Which obviously is a conversation that needs to happen, because it's this sort of discrimination that characterizes a lot of our trauma/experience.

There's something about all this, though. When I come upon video after video of autistic people explaining why allistics dislike me, why things are unfair for me, why I'll always be treated poorly for being on the autistic spectrum. The discussion seems to cling to this very pessimistic side of things, and personally, I find myself fearing the world the more I engage with that.

I understand it's to generate awareness, or sometimes just to vent, but it's reaching a degree where it's generating fear and distrust towards other people or groups. People point out problems but a lot of the same people haven't been providing solutions. And it made me realize something:

I still want to try.

I still want to try to engage with the world and use my voice. I don't need more social anxiety than I've already grown to have. I want to work to shed those inhibitions, not continue to elevate them. I want knowing more about myself to be a positive development, not reason to shut myself off from the opportunity of meeting new people.

You can use your awareness of autistic issues as a tool to promote positive change (little changes count too, like how you treat yourself). But you don't understand yourself, only to hide yourself away - what message do you think you're sending yourself there? That you're too autistic to be loved? Does that kind of message really help you?

By hiding yourself away from people whom you want to be more comfortable around, you will experience more pain. You won't make the friends you want to make, and you won't let yourself get used to taking risks and getting rejected, which makes it hurt worse when it happens.

I will open up to people who will break my trust. It's an inevitable part of life that I must accept.

But maybe it's better to learn through those experiences and the bonds that will mend my trust, than to take all the fears of my community to heart, and to never set myself free again for fear of rejection.

It's time to close tiktok, or whatever other app, and let yourself stumble and figure things out along the way. An overwhelming flood of reasons people are against you isn't going to alleviate the pain of the autistic experience, it's okay to take your time to learn how to navigate life. It's not your responsibility to stress yourself trying to understand how to save yourself as soon as you can. You can't always save yourself from pain, anyways, so living moment to moment is much, much more freeing.

[cuntylouis]

long overly personal age crisis/general mental crisis rant under the cut

I'm turning 26 this saturday and i'm terrified and depressed. I hate sounding like some anti-aging tiktokker but i hate that i'm constantly getting older and can't control it while nothing else in my life seems to change. I know i'm very young but it still feels like i'm running out of time. Most of my peers are ahead of me, they have jobs and relationships and generally full lives. My 2 years younger stepbrother has a successful career, house, wife and child. I still don't even feel like a full adult. Sometimes i feel i've really frozen in time maybe because of trauma and am still just a kid deep down.

My situation is weird because i did have experience with sexual relationships at very early age but i don't consider them real relationships anymore since they were abuse, and then in my adult age i haven't had any relationships. I haven't even kissed anyone as an adult. I'm like a virgin who isn't a real virgin. I want to be in a relationship and experience love and sex but at the same time it feels distant and impossible.

I just graduated (two years late, studying something that doesn't interest me) but i haven't worked other than summer jobs and i'm wondering how am i ever gonna get a proper job. And i don't even know do i want to do work that is related to my field of study since i hate it. I could go studying something else but it's again going to take so much time. I also feel like i'm wasting my potential and i should use my talents for something that actually helps people but i don't know what that would be.

I've made peace with knowing i'm probably never going to be able to transition for various reasons but it still causes me sadness, and again the feeling of running out of time when i'm getting older and missing more and more of years i could've lived openly as myself and i'm always living with this 'what if' thought. Also this sounds incredibly silly in context of everything else but i'm stressing about how my fertility is starting to go lower every year from now on lol. I've deeply wanted to be a parent as long as i can remember but i've wanted to wait until my financial and mental health situation will be better before having children. But what if they will never be? Also i don't necessarily need a nuclear family or anything but i'd like to have a partner i can trust and my child to have other parent too. But what if there will never be a person like that?

My life situation is technically fairly good or at least better than it has been for 15 years but i feel my mental state has gotten almost worse. I've been trying lots of new things and i finally have some friends but i still feel so lonely and hollow. I always have this crushing feeling of loneliness and being an outsider who doesn't matter. I think even on tumblr i have so embarrasingly strong emotional reaction when something even mildly negative happens because i'm so insecure and seek external validation. Like when someone unfollows me i know there's necessarily nothing personal with it but i still feel genuine sadness i'm internally like that you're not rockin wit me i'm going to kill myself meme lmao. And i'm always trying to be as kind as i can towards everyone both irl and online but i still feel worthless and annoying. It's like there's a void inside me that nothing can fulfill or maybe i'm the void myself.

Idek what i'm trying to say or what could help me i just needed try to put my feelings in words i guess

[freedfromthegalactichivemind]

Things Ephemeral

Not entirely She-Ra here... A grim and serious post about online estate-management. Relation to this blog, though.

If you've been following my blog lately, you know what's going on in my life that's not directly She-Ra because I've chosen to put a little personal stuff here. If you're new to it or haven't been following lately... my 39 year old beloved fellow-geek nephew fucking died almost a month ago unexpectedly. So, today, over on Facebook / a game adjacent to Facebook, I was wondering if there was a way to get into my nephew's account or to inform someone to close it. We both played a game called "Mousehunt," which is just a little "set-it-and-leave-it" game about catching weird mice in a fantasy kingdom. Both my partner and I openly wondered what would happen with his account on a phone-game he played, some kind of Marvel War game that he played at set times on certain days with a crew from around the world (he tended to play late at night). His other uncle took charge of his cell phone and doesn't know anything of his game accounts (neither do we) - so there's the Marvel game where there are people we didn't know and have no way of informing who are probably wondering "What happened to our General?" Then there's Pokemon Go that's just Pokemon Go-ing.

It makes me wonder about the digital ghosts we leave in the modern age.

It's the kind of thing that would happen to me here if I suffered death, or a dire accident / injury or a financial problem that would knock me offline indefinitely, and I suspect the same with a lot of tumblerinas... there's be just a vanishing. In fact there are a few people I follow here who seem to have up and disappeared and I don't know what happened to them. Could be anything ranging from tragedy to "person just got bored, left their blog for another blog or left tumblr in favor of some other social media" or "too busy for social media because they have a life." Such is the ambiguity of the Internet. I have informed my partner of my tumblr blogs, but he doesn't like tumblr, doesn't use tumblr and would not know how to navigate this "it takes getting used to" posting system, especially for sideblogs. It took me asking people how to do things to figure out how to work sideblogs. I suspect that if I ever vanish for a long, long time and people have no idea what happened to me, that it's probably something bad. It makes me wonder if I should give my Facebook to a trusted friend / mutual on here to "go check the Facebook if I'm gone for more than a month." And here is where I am not sure if even that is reliable. Once upon a time - a few in this fandom probably know, although I suspect it is largely forgotten, save by me because I own the trauma, I fought with some people and got really manic and suicidal. This is actually why I get more spooked when someone I know or know of deletes a blog and pulls up stakes on their fandom stuff. This happened recently with someone I did not get along with, saw from the sidelines and was very concerned. They might be my enemy, but they used to be my friend, or someone that at least tried to be such once upon a time. I heard from someone who knows us both that they were alive. I was relieved. In any case, I was thinking of just pulling up stakes on all my work in this specific fandom at the time I was really bad, my fics at Ao3 and everything - and was convinced to leave them up, but did delete my old blog. I had shown someone whom I thought I could trust my Facebook in a private discord-Discussion, but I don't think she ever checked it because she basically sided with the person who was claiming that my problems were fake in a callout-post. Maybe she was shielding herself, was at a place where she wanted to believe the worst of me rather than potential tragedy, I do not know. I don't think this once "trusted friend" even looked to see what my relations were saying on my Facebook to know ANYTHING. I don't want to show off my hospital records to prove what I've been through, but, you know, the whole thing showed me I can't always trust people who are "fandom-friends." (In fact, I don't think ANYONE cared when I was gone for a month. People seemed disappointed when I came back / showed I was still alive). Yes, I am still bitter about it. I know I screwed up things for myself, but trust was broken both ways between me and a lot of people. My nephew... we didn't know his Facebook password, but if you go to his Facebook, you know he's gone because of all the memorial posts his friends and family have been leaving. There's an entire bereft anime-club and we still tag him with things he would have liked sometimes, with melancholic messages. And, yeah, if something happened to me, Facebook would be the best bet for knowing these things - but I obviously do not want to give out my real name to anyone I don't trust. And here? Tumblr in general and this fandom that I am most active in specifically? Do I bother to trust anyone? I am... not suicidal right now. In fact, I'm realizing how much of a hole a random death leaves in people's lives and don't want to do that to the few people in this world still around who know and love the real me. But, you know, I don't put it past my body to do a grief-stress heart attack or something dumb like that. Or a medication-interaction. (We still don't know what exactly happened to my nephew, his known health problems aside).

[franksfishies]

When I first came out at to my family at whole about my gender stuff I was about 13? Ran into the sitting room as they were watching crap TV and let it rip. My gran gran and my mum immediately started arguing with me, saying I couldn't know yet etc etc it was awful and got nasty. After I broke down in tears and wouldn't let either of them near me my grandpa looked over and said "no matter what you do, I'll always love you" and it shut the other two up immediately. He never used the right pronouns and he was the only one I never asked to. I was always his mate, in birthday cards I was stick insect or yeah, "little lady" (though actually that one was used less and less til I specified that he could use it. It didn't bother me). The reason I never insisted on him getting it "right" was because I think he saved my life that night with one fucking easy sentence. If I'd finished the evening with the 3 people I thought loved me most saying I didn't know myself, that men were all rapists, that I shouldn't *demean* myself, that i shouldn't want to be lesser than I am. (Yeah radfem family btw) then there's not a low chance I would've attempted to off myself. Up to then my relationship with my grandpa had been fraught. After that I trusted him more than anyone else in my family and I kept that sentence in my head that night when my mum drove us home and told me if I was a boy, I'd be a rapist and she'd kill herself.

My grandpa went back on what he'd said. Over a decade later when my mum had finished laying into me in public over being a disgusting tranny and told me she was right. Less than a year later he was diagnosed with late stage cancer that had spread over his body and he'd started seeing crap and saying weird shit long before the diagnosis. He was not a perfect man, in many ways he was not even a good man, but I know he was in his right mind when I was 13 and was not when he recanted. And I know he saved a piece of my childhood. That's why his photo of me in a dress and him will always have a place of honour in my room. As it did in his when he was alive.

Also; not for nothing. I never insisted on pronouns but it's notable that he let me use his tools. My DIY fanatic mum wasn't allowed to use the drill or the hammer. She'd have to hold the boards in place. The drilling, the sawing and shit was men's work. This was a common argument between them and usually meant they'd work separately. I was allowed though. God i fucking hated it but I did it cause it meant a lot that he wanted me to learn.

Old people aren't automatically transphobic. My tiny village has a median age over 50. I haven't hidden my transition. People don't always use the right pronouns, I don't care because what they've said, literally today from my neighbour! She's 76! Is how happy I look, how they think I'm courageous and how they look forward to me looking "like a man" and like my new voice. Like yeah, they don't always use the right terminology but I feel happy and safe and shit. My 50+ coworker texted me last night to thank me for not hiding my transition as her kid just came out to her and she wasn't scared of it seeing how happy I was after I started! My mum told me an old woman on the fete committee had recently asked her how her son is! This woman hasn't seen me since I started hormones much but saw me alot before and *yet*. The world is much more accepting than it looks online actually.

My 90yr old Irish Catholic grandpa doesn’t miss with my gender. He’s never gotten my name wrong, or my pronouns, never even faltered over it.

It’s all so natural too: son, big man, young man…

We’ve never talked about it. He’s the only one who hasn’t pushed for details. He just accepted it and carried on because it’s not a huge deal.

It’s so comforting.

[jimin-of-mine]

Honestly, I've been into spirituality as a whole since the beginning of this year after a period of not being in touch with side of myself, I decided to get into it little by little. You're right, I think someone out there, definitely wants to connect with me but I don't want to meet them soon, I want to focus on myself as a whole, discover my interests and parts of myself that I didn't know before instead of spending that time and energy into someone else, that can be done later. However, I think you met jimin at the right time, everything happens for a reason. I have a hard time trusting myself, especially saying those affirmations since I'm led by ego mostly but I'll definitely give it a try, thank you. I'm glad you're here to tell me about this, since the information I found online looked sketchy. I'll keep in touch with for sure, this is so exciting to me!

Wait, you're right I think I'm meeting with someone in my dreams, but I can't remember his face. My dreams like the other anon, have been so apocalyptic lately, it's hard to remember everything that happened. I'm curious what did your intuition pick up about me? I'm typing this after I woke up from a nap and I think I dreamt about you. Do you live in an area with lots of trees? Maybe it's windy? I think it's a white villa. I saw your account on my phone and in the dream I remember thinking, “oh she lives here”. Then I saw a black cat nearby. If that's not you then my brain made up some weird fantasy.

That's your ego talking and I don't even think you realized it lol-

You're trying to tell yourself that you want to connect with yourself as a whole, but how you don't think you're ready to connect with another half of yourself.

It's contradicting itself, because you would be willing to start thinking about this other person if you wanted to focus on yourself as a whole.

Without contact with this other soul, you're currently only half of what you could be, since a part of you is missing.

I'll let you in on a little secret love-

When you cross paths with your other half, you come to realize how much more there is to learn about yourself.

I never knew myself nearly as well as I thought I did, until Jimin came into the picture and I've been learning about myself more and more every day.

It's in the little ways that I see myself in him and the much bigger ways where I realize there's things I need to still work on.

They are a reflection of who we are and they are here to help us grow into the best versions of ourselves ^__^

-----

I find that very odd to say the least, since you just described something from a past life and it makes me wonder if you're perhaps a soul mate of mine.

Everything you described there is actually from my last one lol and you may have had your first past life memory- without even realizing it.

You haven't been into spirituality for very long by the sounds of it, so I don't even know what your beliefs may be- if you even have any- but it's ironic that you mention something from my actual memory.

If you are curious about this any further though, please message me- because I am not willing to share anything publicly about this.

If you don't feel comfortable though, than it's alright ~

You can think about it if you need to, so take all of the time that you need :)

[lauvra]

[DRAFT PURGE] I'm not sure all this will make sense, and in a world where I was a remotely reasonable or forward thinking person I probably wouldn't share it publicly so that it would remain a private self-growth journal entry but here we are; likely another point to add below. To be fair, part of me gets a lot of catharsis from this kind of honesty, I really think it makes others feel less alone too and that matters to me. I want to own up to some shit to force myself to be accountable because I've developed a few maladaptive coping strategies since 2021 that have become pretty ingrained by now and are making it difficult for me to connect with people in meaningful ways; which despite my lone wolf act, is precisely what I love about life and where I find meaning and its value. Still to this day if you ask what kind of books I lean toward I'll tell you mostly bio / autobiographical ones. Real life is fascinating, people are fascinating. I don't even watch scary movies for the monsters, Zombie films are my favourite; not for the Zombies but for the way human beings behave in such crises. I was thinking I'd list points then go into them further and give examples but I'm not proud of this stuff and I think it all comes down to not feeling safe to communicate my needs or thoughts. I'm going to narrow them to two points and go easy. 1. Ghosting. 2. Escapism. The thing also with communicating effectively is that I don't necessarily trust or understand myself well enough lately to figure out what those even are in some circumstances, leading me to either taking so much time to myself that I've affectively ghosted people even when they've given me no indication it's unsafe to share my thoughts. The problem is, you don't know someone until you've experienced them in various scenarios and I haven't given myself or others that opportunity for us to know one another in such a way in years. I run from a situation, thinking once I'm out of it I'll change but I run into the next scenario I 'can't' face and it happens again. I run again. There's been so much talk about 'ghosting' this year in the online space and I had a conversation with a friend from back home many months ago about this topic because she was devastated after having someone she considered a best friend 'ghost' her once she had her child and got married. 1. I've become a ghoster. Last year I walked out on a job when I overheard my boss making disparaging comments about what I was doing rather than guiding me which was fine until I was then serving a particularly pushy customer afterward and I felt myself snap like I could've levitated from the rage and walked out, emailed my notice and didn't care whether they paid out my leave. Then, after taking long service leave from my other job, moving stores and suburbs I no-showed to work for a whole week until they contacted my family / placed me on leave and despite a saintly level of understanding offered on their part, I still failed to communicate my needs and emailed through my notice.