#i kept tossing and turning
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good meowning have a meowy christmas to those who celebrate nya ^w^
#im like hashtag exhausted i slept so bad#i kept tossing and turning#i truly believe it's the lipgloss i was wearing fucking with me#woke up with it Inside my mouth. ???? and also#slimey vmv#so glittery so fun. .. ahhh... too bad the sensory of moving my fucking lips (normal) KILLS ME.#whyre us limey.. why am i sticky ☹#wiped it off so ffast this morning not worth it.. but it looked just so cute ugh#i wanna build a . whats the word oh god#resistance? to it but i know i cant just. brute force my sensory issues. but igh#micetalk
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😵💫
#been sick all week#woke up on monday with the worst sore throat i've had in ages#over the course of the week the symptoms have gradually shifted...my throat has gradually been improving and isn't too bad right now#but my sinuses took a nosedive...slept terribly last night cuz i kept tossing and turning trying to find a position in which i could breath#and as of today I have a weird symptom that I've never had with a cold before: my right ear is all ringy#it's messing up the sounds#not really muffled like you'd get with a clogged ear from like an airplane#more like there's a tinny audio distortion filter on my eardrum#everything sounds off-key and slightly echoey in that ear#very weird very annoying and disorienting#i mean....i suppose it could be worse....at least i'm not nauseous or anything#still got to enjoy christmas dinner and such#but man. definitely not at my peak#i hope it all clears up soon i'd really like to properly enjoy some of my days off before I have to go back to work next week....
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oh so paul wrote an opera? that’s fun. and it’s a semi-autobiographical story about a fictional character who is definitely him but also not? uh-huh. and it heavily involves themes of WW2 trauma, education, the death of the protagonist’s father, and the struggle to maintain healthy relationships? wait stop. wait wait wait a minute. oh god. oh no. isn’t this where—
#mentally I am at paul’s house throwing bricks through his window#liverpool oratorio I see you. I understand you.#i would say that this has a much more lighthearted vibe. and yet there are also all the ghosts#LOTS of ghost action and we do NOT have time to unpack that. we don't even have time just to unpack 'kept in confusion'#‘Ghosts of the past. Tossing and turning. Somehow I'm learning Secrets I'd rather not know. Can't it be simple? Why does it have to be so?'#paul mccartney#the wall
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mmmm aahhhhh i slept like shit. refreshing!
#turns out that drinking 80% of a celsius in the two hours before going to sleep…#…may affect your sleep….#it took me soo long to fall asleep and then i kept waking up throughout the night and tossing and turning and everything#and then i woke up sometime before my alarm and i just kept laying there#i Thought when i first checked my phone that it said it was like 25 minutes before my alarm#but as i laid there i was like damn it feels like it’s been long enough… is my alarm gonna go off soon?#and then i’d check and only 3-5 minutes passed#and then i kept doing that. id be like okay it’s DEFINITELY past time to get up now#my alarm must not have gone off! what time is it?#> still 17 minutes until my alarm will go off#> WTF#anyway.
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i got two helix piercings done on my left ear today!!!!!! and they look SO GOOD im obsessed!!
#[static]#for years it's been one thing or another that kept me from getting the piercings i wanted (being a flight attendant covid etc.)#but im not getting any younger and i have been wanting these piercings since i was in my early-early 20s#i got 5 or 6 more I want done but i gotta pace them out so that i can actually sleep since im a side sleeper#so i got my left ear done and next spring i'll do the three piercings on my right ear and then my eyebrow & see if i got space for a bridge#went with a buddy who wanted to get the other side of his nose pierced!#pain wasnt bad at all but as someone who tosses and turns in my sleep its gonna be rough not being able to sleep on the other side for awhi
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#just a rant that im actually too tired for but i cant sleep!!!#why is it that i have chest pain/pressure for lack of sleep but then when i try to sleep#nothing is right#i cant lay in the right position#the blanket isn“t right#the soundscape isn't right#noyhing is right#no matter how much i toss and turn#it's 2am and i am tired!!!#why won't my brain let me sleep#and why do i know i'm going to have at least one upsetting dream again when i do finallu get a couple hours#why is my brain like this???#my nervous system#whatever#i miss the sedating meds i had#but they wrecked my stomach so not an option anymore#also why do i repeatedly have dreams that i never manage to graduate high school#and every year its worse bc i'm like i'm 29 now and still have to graduate and all these teens around me are smarter and better at life!#is it bc i truly was convinced that senior year would kill me but my parents just wanted me to keep going to school so i just accepted that#would be my fate and kept going#am i stuck in that mentality#in other timelines do i not make it#what's going on with not graduating high school#ignore me#parasomnia#insomnia#fucking whatever sleep disorder i have
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Not going the best (Patreon)
#Doodles#Just Desserts#Villainsona#Cure#Vent#The start of it anyhow#Draw to take the mind off things - or to approach the hurt without touching it directly#Gift-giving season 2024 was just - bad lol#Birthday was sad and Christmas was sad just toss it plsthx#I mean there were good things! I got a couple plushies for Christmas which I like - I got a Bulbasaur ♥#But there were also a lot of bad things......hghh....#If I turn to Bar it's only fair Charm turns to [Coffee] for comfort#He really needs a name maybe this year will finally be the year I buckle down and make a naming convention#Bit of Cure as well - we're both chibi'd the heck out but ehhh approximate size maybe#She's probably a little big here actually but I dunno maybe she kept her proportions lol - maybe I'm just super chibi'd#Normally I wouldn't turn to her but I needed some cutes and she is definitely that#I watched an anime recently that kinda reminded me of her too hmmm - she won't get any signifiers from it I don't think but maybe new toys#She does enjoy things to play with lol (read: mess with other people with)#Napping without glasses is something that pops up a surprising amount for me huh - I mean yeah that's how I sleep but as an art subject hm#Graphite version of TVAU Charm from the silhouette/ink set! With a better grasp on the expression I was going for#I don't think I Quite got it - it's harder with simple dot eyes to imply directionality#Tiny aside into a brief bit of levity - before things broke bad again lol - I tried a little sample size of moonshine eggnog#Shit's lit honestly it was really tasty and decently high proof so even for such a small amount I got a bit dizzy! Nice#I was gifted the same brand's coffee moonshine and it was neither as tasty or effective but I appreciate the gesture all the same#First night my PC was out - obviously I was worried for her :( I'd only backed up a handful of files not including my Ghostkinz stuff#So I was very worried they'd be affected.... They weren't but boy was that a gamble!#The other stuff... I mean first of all thank goodness I /had/ backed up that handful because a few corrupted while she was out#That last scribble in particular was after the confirmation that my diary was lost And she had bluescreened#We were out and about seeing if we could pass the time until her permissions got transferred over and had just called it that No we couldn't#So we called it and went home and I got to start trying to parse those feelings while still trying to Secret Santa hahaa... Hgh just toss it
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I hate when the weather has the audacity to be sunny warm and beautiful when I'm sick in bed if you don't turn the brightness down...I will kill us all
#I had the most feverish dreams last night. tried to axe murder actress molly shannon & leveraged it into becoming a bestselling#bara mangaka but I kept tossing & turning because no one understood my art.
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always awkward when youve stayed awake for so long that the early risers in your timezone open up their tumblr in the morning.......
#I DIDNT MEAN TO THIS TIME I SWEAR#I TURNED MY LIGHTS OFF AND CLOSED MY EYES AND EVERYTHING#but i couldnt stop thinking about uncontacted tribes#just a full 60 fucking minutes thinking abt those guys in the amazon and on that island off the coast of india#tbh if i were a person who didnt know abt the outside world and the only outsiders id have any contact with were christian missionaries#who kept yelling at me and my family and throwing bibles at us?? yea id also be a little violent maybe.....#SEE???? THIS IS THE KIND OF SHIT I KEPT THINKING ABT. AN HOUR OF TOSSING AND TURNING THINKING#golly gee those ppl in the amazon sure do live different lives dont they#LET ME FUCKING SLEEP!!!!!#mine
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I got 8 hours of sleep last night after having been only able to get 5 for a long time and it felt like I had to fistfight the sleep demons to do so but at least I'm here now
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I woke up from a dream Where a spider kept following me, i asked my father to kill it , he opened it up from the inside and shown it was a 50% robot 50% flesh spider that was full of batteries , and then i woke up and immediately had to start painting
#sydneys thoughts#I woke up an hour ago sjdkjskdjadm#I kept tossing and turning in bed at like 11 am 😭#I finished the first paint layer of primos hat tho :>
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behold my tav, enoch, he/they, wild magic sorcerer. their story is tmw you were "orphaned" (see: kidnapped) because you had dangerous powerful concentrated arcane abilities so for your safety and definitely not for the benefit of mages with malicious intent your Generous and Benevolent and Patient caretakers put you through rigorous training and subjected you to magical experiments and downright used you as an arcane battery from time to time. and you weren't allowed to speak out against any of this because otherwise you would be punished and being difficult and thus compartmentalization became your best and only friend. fast forward 24-25 years after your successful many-years-long escape plan, two weeks into your exciting newfound freedom which included getting a compulsory symbolic tattoo because you've occasionally seen other people with them when you were so rarely let out to go to town around other people (supervised heavily of course) and thought them beautiful, you get fucking tadpole'd.
and as one would imagine, being 30 years old with very restricted communication and social interaction with regular normal people messes you up. wisdom 8 baby
their arc (right now) is understanding it's okay to be upset and making that Known, acknowledging those feelings and doing something about it and not having to be a people pleaser because you are a person with wants and needs that deserve to be heard.
#Bg3#bg3 tav#bg3 oc#court ocs#Enoch#enoch isn't their birth name either I'm debating making it Ganymede#court OCS#court oc#enoch#this is why homeschooling sucks /j I was literally homeschooled for three years#Also their magic is genuinely so potent that's it's slowly changing and consuming their body. I wish you could do ombre highlights and#greying#but their hair has white streaks which later are gonna become thicker and start turning a very unnatural blue#and even later though not possible in game far as I'm aware they start getting arcane lesions on their body the same color as their new#highlights.#im obsessed w them#also their resonate with garden flowers#kept to be pruned and preened for our enjoyment#then tossed away when they eventually wither and die no longer serving a use#they can't talk back and have no freewill and are bred to be the best and prettiest#anyway methinks they are demi in some way shape or form comma generally under ace umbrella#don't experience that attraction quite the same way as others#they're also transmasc wooyeah#caretakers basically said we don't care as long as it makes you compliant
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it's so fun when the people who took everything from you claim to be the real victims. like, y'all want to dump a years-long friendship in a dumpster fire just cause you're in a romantic relationship and that's the only thing that matters to you, go fucking ahead. but don't pretend to be the victim when you were the one who destroyed it.
you don't get to take literally everything from me and claim that you were the real victim when the only thing you didn't take was the skin off my bones.
#sunbun speaks#i keep having nightmares/memories of the 3-ish people who literally left me with nothing but the clothes on my back#and kept asking for more because it wasn't enough#or the fact that every single one of them basically turned into whoever their partner wanted them to be and would ditch their own parents#if their partner told them they didn't like them anymore#using me as a scapegoat whenever they had negative feelings and accuse me of being the source instead of a voice of reason#or just straight up getting pissed at me when i wasn't going to play their toxic game#and by the end of it all i had nothing: no clothes or any of my stuff no money nowhere to go and no friends#they destroyed my life while i was barely a blip in theirs#people who grew up with wealthy parents are fucking pricks#because yeah that's another thing they all had in common other than being codependent af: they all grew up with upper-middle class parents#they just took and took and took and tossed me aside#cause btw it's really hard to get back a lifetimes worth of stuff in only a few years with no money#i still remember everything they took from me and not just material possessions#and in the end they wanted me to apologize to them for being inadequate in filling my role as emotional punching bag#only for none of them to feel any remorse and get mad at me for implying they did anything that i didn't deserve#even looking at my life now i only have my partner and my kids#as much as i try i can't fix the fact that I'm autistic which means i will always struggle with human interaction#so it's not like it's easy to make friends#especially not friends who don't religiously devote themselves at the alter of toxic monogamy and view anyone else as 'extra' and disposable#in a matter of three years those three people took everything from me and despite it being 6 years later i am STILL recovering what i lost#how can you destroy someone's life who never did anything to you and still consider yourself the victim
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where am i
#it’s been 11 hours . whoops#in my defense i still didn’t get any sleep i just tossed and turned and my dog kept waking me up
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wow i slept like absolute shit today
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My dnd character lost his leg last session. I'm so excited for the consequences
#for context we were fighting an undead creature and it was nearly killing the party#it ate one of our summons like a folding chair and leaped across the arena in one turn for imagery#I lead it away from everyone and was trying to run around the tower as half the party was trying to destroy the idol that kept it alive#I rolled terribly and it bit my character and paralyzed him and he was fully about to die#I spent my point of conviction -from burning down my house in a previous session from a panic meltdown- on altering the story#so instead of dying I just got attacked bear style and tossed across the arena#it didn't care about my character anymore once it ate his leg and went back to the rest of the party to kill#luckily the party destroyed the idol before it did anymore damage but then they had to find my unconscious character among piles of corpses#which was also great#I love when characters get trauma#personal#savage worlds#dnd character
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