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aroace-number-eight · 3 years ago

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Would the fandom be more fun and engaging if we had more interactivity?

I dunno, I'm looking at both current fandom and old fandom and I think even though we're still keeping the fandom alive via content, memes, fics and art, those are just things we look at and sometimes laugh or cry with, it’s not really engaging or fun to be around. Like, we could do better.

Old LL fandom had its ties between fans and became such a close-knit community, and that was especially evident when everyone was talking to each other. While the series was going on, we had theories, book discussions, rants, reactions to the series, looking forward to new books, saying who your favorite character is, trailers by Epicreads???, etc. Lots of things we could not only see but also engage with, agreeing or disagreeing with people. There were also discussion of rebooting or adapting the series, with people making tons of episode scripts for episodes, making a bunch of fancasts, teaming up to get Netflix to pick up the series and make something out of it, fans even casting themselves into character roles and talking about how they would do the series justice, discussion of graphic novels, anime, or any sort of visual adaptation just to get us going, we had fans voice acting characters at one point. An actual fandom gathering was held once. There was a lot.

When it was just fandom, we also had a lot of community projects going around and people participating in them, rp blogs, some like shittacus and setracrap that created a lot of shenanigans, astohnymous, theory nonsense (which may or may not be correct), ship posts, etc. Part of what made the community tightly knit with everyone knowing everyone was also the result of tons and tons of “reblog if you’re a Lorien Legacies fan.” Almost every long-time blog that has an LL tag and everything has reblogged this stuff. Even URLs of the past were recorded for posterity. And recommending LL blogs to one another to follow!

And true to that result, everyone knew each other! That made fandom discussions livelier! One person doesn’t make a fandom, nor do they raise it high. It takes people, tons and tons of people, who you talk to and make content with and just have a lot of fun. Even newcomers got into the fun, some making small announcements that they’re into the series and want to follow a bunch of LL blogs, others making edit contributions right off the bat! Old Tumblr content is even backlogged right here for archival purposes, and submissions of all kinds are accepted!

Not to mention the activities and get togethers everyone did while the series was going on. There were interactive events where people drew fanart, wrote fics, reblogged their thoughts, made memes, headcanons, textposts, edits, gifsets, random stuff, got our own pendants, talked to each other, and so much more. There were events like LLCharacterweek, a Secret Santa, Lorien Legacies fic exchanges, countdown blogs until a new book releases, Lorien Legacies week, etc.

Of course, times change. Tumblr may be our community home here, but there are still ways the fandom has managed to come together. We made use of the group chat feature Tumblr had to talk to each other. We also now have a discord server where everyone’s free to join. Tons of nonsense and headcanons and theories thrive there, as done in the past. Memes too.

And the content never stopped! It didn’t die, it didn’t fade away. Look at the lorien legacies tag and you’ll see we’re still kicking and making tons of stuff! Incorrect quotes, fanart, fanfiction, edits, book thoughts, rants, fancasts, ship posts, etc. It’s all there! Even astohnymous has made an appearance once in a while. And it will always keep on coming, because we’re still here!! We even still have activities the fandom as a whole can participate in, such as the ongoings of Lorictober, and a short event called Eight Appreciation Week!

However, even though we’re still making a lot of stuff, the tag still gets regularly updated with content, and we’re out here liking and reblogging it all, it just ends there? We know each other, but we don’t really know each other. It’s like going to your favorite coffeeshop to get your daily fix, but you don’t talk to any of the patrons or employees there. You just get your morning breakfast, sit by yourself at a table, eat while doing some work, and then leave. Everyone knows who you are by face and what you order, but they aren’t your friends. They don’t hang out with you outside the coffeeshop, and vice versa.

We also aren’t really that excited about anything fandom wise. We got all the content Frey was giving us within the LL universe (until he decides to come back to it and give us a freak out), so there’s not much to look forward to. We’re asking for stuff like prequels, series adaptations, reboots, all that good stuff, but there’s no action for any of them. We kind of just sit and wait for it to happen. We’ve tried making the Netflix thing happen again and again, twice ending up with nearly falling into a scam, but otherwise there’s not a whole lot of action or support.

We have an adaptation movie by studio7entertainment on Instagram that’s going to be released June 2023, though given that it’s on Instagram, it’s not well discussed to the Tumblr community, although to be fair I don’t see people actively talking about it on Instagram either (the account has been dedicated to the project since 2020 and has several posts, QnAs, and stories discussing plans for it).

Do I have an idea to work around this?

Probably? In all honesty, I wish it was more fun to be in this fandom. Have little get togethers or talk to each other more in reblogs, asks, comments and stuff. Even talk outside of Tumblr. There is the discord server for those who have a Discord.

Do fandom projects, like how Lorictober and Eight Appreciation Week are things. Do fic exchanges, big bangs, reverse bangs, art trades, edit trades, video projects, zines, etc. Give people something fun to do, something exciting to look forward to. Make us fall in love with the characters all over again.

Talk about the series more, put our theories out there, and reblog those and say something about them. If someone has a question, someone has an answer. And it’s fun to think of theories upon theories upon theories, even after the story has ended. We’re always wondering how the story could’ve gone if this bit was fixed, if a certain event didn’t happen, if the plot holes were fixed, if the story was changed entirely, if certain characters lived, died, died in the place of another, etc. Who’s to say we don’t already have a million different AUs in the planning? And who’s to say there isn’t someone waiting for that specific AU to be brought to light?

There’s more to this fandom than simply proving the Lorien Legacies fans will never die, as small as this gathering is. There’s a charm to the fandom that we’ve seen make it different and special from most other fandoms we’ve been in. It has heart. Everyone’s nice, everyone knows each other, your mutual is your neighbor and sometimes you visit their house with a giftbag, and you stay over for dinner and a nice long get together.

We don’t have to constantly dream we’d reach for the stars and wait for something to happen. We should make this space special for us. Make our community a home you want to return to.

#lorien legacies #i am number four #ernest talks #you don't wanna know how long it took for me to find all these links #i kept getting sidetracked and added more stuff to this post #there's so much i wanted to dump here sorry for the long post #the main reason why i put those links all over the place was to showcase all the differnet blogs #i like visiting the old tags and finding stuff they have #dunno #old ll has me thinking sometimes #sorry for the long post everyone but if you read all the way congrats #you're awesome thank you sm

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citadelspires · 3 years ago

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P1 - Given how great you're track record's been for doing hypothetical interactions of Amphibia kids with the Duck kids and Owl House kids, let's try doing the Duck kids meeting the Owl House kids and who they'd like the best. I'll exclude Violet for this for the sake of evenening things out 5 to 5. I'd assume Luz would get along best with Dewey (both jump into adventure), King with Louie (could see em teaming up for a scheme), Willow with Huey (eh, more leftover interaction but can work)

Screenshot of second half of the ask provided. Text: P2 Gus with Webby (would totally ask each other lots of questions about their species), and Amity with Lena (both got abusive figures they stood up to and would totally talk about their crushes on Luz and Webby LOL). Would love to see you take on Duck kids and Owl House kids interactions.

First of all I’m very pleased to hear you find my track record on these posts good, they’ve been really fun to write and it makes me really happy people like them! Second I am so sorry it’s taken so long to get to this ask, it’s a really in depth one and it took a long time to write, I hope you’ll find it was worth the wait!

Aight! Oh and one last thing real quick before I get into it. I hope you wouldn’t mind me adding Violet back in, partially due to the fact I love her, but mostly because there’s actually another owl house character I think works significantly better with Louie than anyone else and I really want the chance to talk about that. Saving that one for last hehe. This’ll be another long one, writing below the cut.

Luz and Webby So I do like a lot of the possible interactions brought up by your suggested grouping but my mind went in a few different directions. I’ll start with Luz, who would fit in best with another excitable adventuring partner, as pointed out, but I think the best fit for her in that regard would actually be Webby. While Dewey would no doubt get along great with Luz, there’s a special element to the potential relationship between Luz and Webby that really elevates the potential of their friendship to another level, that being: they both want to eat a hamburger.

An aspect of Webby I wish the later seasons of the show got into a little more, but is definitely something I would consider a core part of her character, is the fact that she got held up in the mansion her whole childhood, with no opportunities to interact with the world around her, have all the adventures she wanted, and most importantly to just be seen as the kid she wanted to be. And while Luz was technically able to go out into the world, the place she found wasn’t one that was willing to see her, or give her any of the chances she longed for. Both Webby and Luz fully understand that feeling of being trapped in your own life, of finally getting the chance to break out and just doing your best to make the most of it. I think there’s a lot the two could gain from spending some time together.

(Also, to borrow the bit about gushing about their crushes but from the other end, these two would totally get sidetracked talking about their respective crushes and also trying to play wingman for each other. It’s a massive comic disaster in both cases, but somehow both Lena and Amity manage to find it endearing).

Amity and Violet Okay wait lemme explain. While the two of them don’t have a whole lot in common at first glance, I think they would genuinely get along extremely well. While a lot of Amity’s focus on school came at the force of her parents, you cannot honestly expect me to believe that girl isn’t a studious nerd on her own anyway. Heck even outside the realm of studies she throws her full dedication into literally every single thing she does. Remind you of anyone? Beyond just being extremely intelligent Violet is clever and ready for anything. She takes everything in stride and always has a plan, she can go from “we were sleeping over and you said everybody get on the plane, so we got on the plane” to “I brought an axe” in a minute flat.

I like to think the two of them would have a mutual respect for each other based on their respective intellects upon first meeting, but as they become closer friends they find they can move from more serious respect to a casual enjoyment of each other. I would go as far as to say that both of these characters really value dependability in a friend, and that they each provide a lot of that. To wrap back around to the stuff about intelligence I think Violet could provide a lot of insight to Amity as far as showing her that pursuing studies and academic heights of her own volition can be something that she can just do because she wants to, and that’s no excuse for unhealthy parental relationships. Getting along so well with someone like Violet only to see that her parents are actually really loving and supportive, that would be really eye-opening for Amity I think. For Violet’s part she could get a lot of help from Amity as far as her pursuit of the secrets of magic goes. I suspect Amity would be much more interested in the study of her magic than Violet would be able to get Lena to tolerate lol.

Bonus Round: Amity would absolutely be a senior junior woodchuck and she would love it you cannot convince me otherwise. She starts quoting the JWGB around the owl house kids and they all look at her like she’s crazy.

Lena and Willow I feel like this one might seem a little out there at first but trust me on this one. Initially Lena doesn’t think too much of Willow, being as close as she is to Webby she knows liking flowers and cute things doesn’t mean Willow is automatically to be taken lightly but she feels like she’s got a good read on her that she generally prefers to avoid trouble and turns down opportunities for violence, which isn’t really Lena’s deal. Over time Lena figures she was right about her first impressions as Willow doesn’t seem to take many opportunities to expose some hidden power, even when Lena knows the people around her kinda deserve it.

She learns to adjust her opinion when she finally does get the chance to see Willow in action and realizes that girl is more powerful than any of the other kids she’s met in the boiling aisles bar none(yes this is my genuine opinion of willow if you don’t think she could kick your ass you’re wrong). It’s at that moment where she starts to pay more attention to Willow and notices a lot more of the strength she puts into all the little things, how much she cares for everyone and everything, and it does a great deal to show Lena that maybe having super strong magic powers isn’t mutually exclusive with being kind and gentle. And maybe gentle isn’t her thing but still, it’s nice to know.

For Willow’s part she’s just happy to make more friends. Especially if the opportunity arises, as I like to think it would, when they’re close enough friends, that Lena would start to hint around asking questions about how Willow remains so casual and nice with the ability to do so much damage, and Willow takes the chance to help Lena figure out her magic a bit more, and learn how to better appreciate it as an aspect of herself she doesn’t have to be scared of. (I mean come on Lena never really learned how to do any of it except barely kind of from Magica of all people she could really use something like that).

Huey and Gus Now there are some certain things about Gus that would drive Huey absolutely nuts. His lack of primary and reliable sources for any of his information being a big one, but at the end of the day I think he’d enjoy Gus’ desire to learn in the first place. Gus would probably be a little dubious about Huey’s “sources” and “citations” but if it helped him get more info on the human realm he’d certainly go for it in the end. In that way the two balance each other out pretty well. Gus is studious and intelligent but he’s a little off the wall, he’s got a big creative streak, and he’s really excitable. Huey is really really good at facts and analysis but he lacks the strength in imagination that Gus has. Huey is able to take all the grandiose concepts Gus is able to think up and help make them actually happen. Gus has that specific brand of an adventurers soul matched up with the fact he’s not actually the type to get into danger and fights, meaning he’s able to drag Huey out of his comfort zone a little and help him reach new heights with his mind that his struggles with creativity prevent him from reaching, while managing to not make him feel like he’s actually in danger. I actually believe the two of them together could get some really incredible stuff done.

What I’m saying is that with Huey’s help Gus could absolutely complete his tunnels under Hexside.

Dewey and King Now this, this is the pair who would go incredibly well together, at the detriment of literally everyone around them. If there is one person King “I Will Rule Everything” Clawthorne should not be exposed to its Dewey Duck. Within minutes of meeting each other the two of them would immediately have so many bad ideas. Between Dewey’s insistence on being the best and most daring adventurer while putting his name on everything and going down in history & King’s trying to rule everything and everyone, the attempts to raise the stakes would be constant and the two would spend literal hours endlessly trying to one-up each other. All in one day they search for legendary treasure, discover an entirely new civilization, try to take over said civilization, create a new species just to name it after themselves, and build statues of themselves in the middle of Bonesbourough. And that’s all before lunch.

Louie Here it is. The one I waited till the very end for out of sheer excitement. I even kept the second name out of the heading thing. That’s how secretive I’m trying to be about this. See, there’s one character in the owl house that works so well with Louie it’s practically canon. Their interactions have so much potential, they each bring so much to the table, I just couldn’t Not talk about it. And yeah, I know this ask was specifically asking about the owl house and ducktales kids, but I just couldn’t resist talking about the relationship between Louie and Eda.

A con artist from another world who was so successful she became nationally famous? There’s no way Louie would pass up an opportunity like that. For his part I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s already managed to set up another underworld identity in the boiling aisles, or at the very least that Eda could totally have been to the ducktales realm and heard of his one there.

Either way I’m convinced the two of them would start planning a heist as soon as they figure out who each other are. Eda is a little prideful and wants to show this kid he can’t out-con her, but Louie knows what he’s doing just as much. Honestly with the two of them combined Eda wouldn’t have to worry about losing her stand for a long time. Over the course of their planning and seeing Louie in action Eda begrudgingly gains some respect for the kid, and while Louie was definitely just using her as a learning/profit opportunity at first, he’s pretty susceptible to getting attached.

For Louie, it’s the fact that she actually respects him for being good at what he does. Even back with his family who all love and care about him and all that he still feels like most of them don’t really get what he does or see what’s special about him, so having someone who made a whole life of it be even a little proud of him feels really nice.

And of course, at the end of their heist when they finally have the money in hand, and Eda just casually hands over his half, he stares at her like she’s crazy.

“You’re just.. Giving it to me?!”

“Well, yeah. That was the deal wasn’t it kid? I mean if you really want I definitely have a few ideas for it.”

“No! Uh, no, thanks, I’ll keep it. It’s just that you really remind me of someone, I guess I was expecting something else.”

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uncertaininnit · 4 years ago

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who wants to read an essay about my relationship with simping/an appreciation(/simping lol) post about Will+Eret and also seperately tommyinnit that was written at 4:22 am and then added to the queue because i love the queue system also fun fact i pronounced the word ‘queue’ as ‘cc-week’ for like an entire year and idk why anyways

lets just jump into it

lol

so. if somebody was to ask me who my favorite mcyt is, i would think about it for a moment and eventually answer with either Wilbur or Eret. and i think that is purely out of simping instinct or whatever the fuck.

to start, Wilbur; the prettiest man, period. i do not take constructive criticism. he is literally gorgeous and i get so mad at him for putting himself down all the time because he doesnt deserve the shit, especially not from himself. he is 24 years old and has the lowest self-esteem out of anybody i can think of. i want to yell in his face all the time. i want to tell him simps are the same species as him, and they have REASONS to simp. if you keep seeing appreciation posts about yourself (which im sure he does) that means people APPRECIATE YOU and WANT YOU to feel APPRECIATED.

anyway, back to simping. let’s start from the top. his goddamn hair. it is, it is, and i just took a deep breath, so pretty. maybe it isnt the hair itself, probably, but the way it is done. wavy dark brown hair all floofy in the front. and he is constantly messing with it, which is THE cutest thing. when he is excited, he moves a lot, and his hair moves with him and gets messed up and ahhhcvkvyr moving on.

his face? lets start with his eyes. they are so pretty. i think my opinion on eyes is probably weird, and allow me to explain why. i never ever notice somebodies eye color when talking to them. i just dont even look. so when i am actively paying attention to somebody’s eyes, they are that much more important to me. but idk, i kinda feel like his eyes are one of the biggest factors of his face? like, he looks really pretty whether he is smiling or not, because his face doesn’t ride on his smile.

sidetrack paragraph about george: i think george is that way. he is adorable, but he is only really adorable when he is smiling. if i look up ‘georgenotfound cute’ it will be entirely him smiling, and never any other facial expression because he genuinely looks like the fucking weirdest thing sometimes when making a serious face. back to will.

i dont pay attention to noses because who even cares dude but i’m sure his nose does a good job of supporting his looks as well so good job nose

his SMILE. he doesn’t need to smile, but dude, when he does, it’s like i always used to say (and still would say) in regards to eijiro kirishima. it’s like... sunbeams, like rays of light are in his mouth and escaping when he smiles.i wonder how he keeps a star in there. because his smile literally lights up my heart. and when he tilts his head(basically all the time luckily)? so goddamn pretty. pretty man. pretty.

that brings us to his neck, which is- no, kidding, but i do want to talk about his vocal chords! firstly his speaking voice, which i guess as an american it hits different for me because of the accent. but- i dont think i can put it into words. but the way he puts thoughts into words-(lol) idk, his voice is just really sweet. and his SINGING VOICE, here we go.

so he sings, duh. and i- holy fuck. he just sounds good, you know? he is a good singer. i want to put my emotions simply this time. he sings well, and he sounds good. a pretty voice for a pretty man. i cant even try to elaborate.

basically the only other thing of my concern is his fucking yellow sweater? or jumper or whatever the fuck? and his beanie? on his body? damn. i am genuinely attached to that sweater. it just looks good, ok? it does.

oh yeah, and he’s hella fucking tall. 6′5? are you kidding? you couldn’t have at least been short so we could make fun of you?

oh yeah and his laugh-

it is now 4:53 am and a bitch is tired but i have an entire fucking train of thoughts and they must be somewhere before they slip away

the next part- Eret. i adore Eret. so incredibly much. and let me start this by saying i’m going to consistantly call him a he, because he doesn’t care and so that makes it easier for me. ok? ok.

he is the opposite of Wilbur in this one regard, confidence. and self-esteem. eret loves himself. that attitude spreads. look, not only is he like the #1 bicon in the world as far as i’m concerned, but he also actively fucks gender roles any day. strawberry dress pog? strawberry dress pog.

but seriously, he rocked the strawberry dress. and the suit, though i missed that stream. he rocks his crown, his sunglasses, just anything he puts on. and don’t get me started on the BOOTS

(im started on the boots) so firstly the heel boots, the first ones he got. when i first saw clips, my only thought was something like ‘woah.’ or maybe ‘damn.’ at that point i didn’t know much about him, just that he looked STELLAR in those boots (and the betrayal and shit yknow) and the PLATFORMS DUDE

the platforms are the same but moar tall, which is incredible. oh and now back to strawberry dress- have you seen him twirl? the twirl? hello? have you seen it? you must.

also i havent even talked about HIM yet. hove you seen that picture of him with a bird on his shoulder? he is facing the bird, i think looking at it, with a wide smile across his face. and it is so pretty. he has the prettiest smile.

also today i was looking for flour at the store place and a clip of him was playing in my mind- he was doing like an announcer voice, like in every superhero movie trailer- and he was just coming up with something to say, and what he ened up saying was ‘in a world... where.... cookies.... are made of pringles’ and OMFG its making me laugh even now. like of absolutely anything, that was the example he made. just thinking about it is making me smile.

speaking of, have you heard his voice? his normal voice is really really deep anyways, but he has crazy range- he can effortlessly(i originally wrote effortly and when i noticed i laughed because i am so fucking tired bfv9wuocl) go from like an elmo impression (and a good one) to a just REALLY low voice, lower than his normal low voice.

AND HIS SINGING VOICE! he doesn’t like actually make music like wilbur but on that one stream where he did kareoke (how the fuck is it spelled) with fundy and his voice is SO LIKE its deep and its just pretty and i never want to hear normal sweater weather ever again, just him singing it.

i think this is where i’m done with eret- it is 5:18 now, and a BITCH IS TIRED but i need to finish this while i’m still feeling this wayy or i’ll never finish it, i know this from experience.

and now it’s tommy time

the og reason i decided to make this an actual post . but i had to explain the simping thing before i got into my thoughts about tommy.

but let me start this with just saying yes, i love him. he is a big man and i want him to be happy. which is the topic for today’s discussion, AHEM.

so tommyinnit, right? he is 16, which is why i do NOT simp.i dont care that im also a minor, i wouldn’t do anything to make him feel uncomfortable, ever. in any world. never. because look- i dont know how to put it, but tommy is SIXTEEN. still young and impressionable and all that junk. and he is a fairly fucking famous twitch streamer. he does that almost daily.

what i’m saying is i dont want him to get hurt. him, and tubbo too. they are a part of the world, part of the public, all the time. don’t you think that is stressful? do you guys remember his haircut stream? on the day of his haircut? and chat was making fun of him for it, and wilbur was making fun of him for it. that is how i express affection, with my real friends as well. playful bullying. but at some point while Will was teasing him, he says something along the lines of ‘yeah, the big man hasn’t been having too great a day’ or something like that, and dude, my heart dropped.

a. he had mentioned earlier that he didn’t want to stream the day of his haircut because hair is always weird that first day, but since he hadn’t streamed in a good bit he felt obliged to. i dont really.. idk, i dont really like that. i dont want him to have to put himself in uncomfortable situations because he feels like he needs to for us. i don’t think that is healthy.

and b. chat and wilbur were bullying him. good-naturedly, but still, when he mentioned he had been having a bad day, the chat turned around and instantly started yelling shit like ‘AHHHH SORRY BIG MAN YOUR HAIR IS FINE’ and when Wilbur kept teasing him (you fucking beautiful bully man fuck off) yelling stuff like ‘WILBUR QUIT WE ARE H U R T I N G HIM’ and ‘WILL STFU HES HAVING A BAD DAY’ so im glad we all want him to feel ok

but still, it cannot be healthy. when i first got into MCYT, i though tommy was fucking loud and annoying. and he is! he is. but that is a big part of why i like him so much. and everyone jokes about him being a child, because he is, but i choose to not say stuff like that in chat just because i want him to be happy. those jokes are fun, but i want him to be happy. and he is happier when not being called a child.

im not attacking you, do whatever the fuck you want. i dont know why i feel the need to protect him or whatever, if he read this he would probably think i was hella creepy. i just- listen, i just want him to be happy. i just want him to smile and laugh. i sound SO GODDAMN CREEPY but- as ive said- i just want him to be happy.

is this literally just what having a comfort streamer is? am i not crazy? does everyone experience this? and can we talk about tommy’s playlist it’s literally so sweet and bubbly compared to his personality and i love that. and the song he always plays at the start of stream and always like buzzes along to? that moment in time is my very favorite.

it is 5:44-

#simp #like im literally the biggest simp #mcyt #dream smp #wilbur soot #the_eret #tommyinnit

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biblio-bitch · 4 years ago

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Detroit Evolution Commentary Pt. 3 [FINAL]

It’s been a while, sorry. Life sucks ass sometimes and I had to do some transferring to my new laptop. I’ll write down some more fun facts as an apology. Disclaimer: This is all stuff I noticed, inferred, or interpreted. I didn’t write the film, anything I’ve interpreted is just that, an interpretation based on things I noticed using my experiences and knowledge.

Fun fact #1: I have attempted to write in a proper novel style at least five times. After watching DE and watching @octopunkmedia ‘s script breakdowns and such, I've started writing scripts instead. I’m much farther along in those than I ever have been in books. 10/10 amazing for my visual based concepts.

Fun fact #2: My mental health was rapidly declining and I was losing interest in quite literally everything at the time the film was released. Watching the film and fixating on it for a month straight not only inspired me but helped me regain control of my life. Watching streams by the cast and Michelle while I worked for school made my productivity skyrocket.

Fun fact #3: I recently developed a tic that I now can’t get rid of. It was out of control for about twenty minutes right before I began writing this post. However, when I began re-watching the film (partially because it’s a comfort for me and I’m quite honestly terrified of what’s happening in the US right now) it stopped. So that’s fun.

As usual, spoilers and swearing under the cut! Quick note: If there should be a trigger warning on this or anything else I post, please let me know! I’m horrible at remembering to tag triggers. I’ll also be doing some quick posts on Umbrella Academy and my severe obsession with Jason Todd soon. Have fun!

As usual, here’s a list of people I know the users of in case you’d like to check any of them out. I’m likely missing people so feel free to let me know who I’m missing so I can add them!

Maximilian Kroger - Nines (@ maximiliankroger)

Christopher (Chris) Trindade - Gavin (@ trindabago)

Michael Smallwood - Chris Miller (@ michaelsmallwoodforever)

Carla Kim - Tina Chen (@ carlahkim)

Jillian Geurts - Ada (@ jilbobaggins_nyc)

Michelle Iannantuono - (@ octopunkmedia)

JJ Goller - Lazzo (@ quasar.cos)

Brett Mullen - Cinematographer (@ brettmullendirector)

Austin Butts - Sound Design (@ austinbytts)

Tiare Solis - Valerie (@ tiareleiana)

So I decided to put all of the rest into this post. It’s a long one. Not even that sorry about it bc I love this film with my entire heart. Warning for me getting sidetracked. I use a lot of Supernatural references but it’s because I’m visiting my dad and he’s binge watching the show. I like Dean and only Dean, don’t bully me for it.

The Wrist Grip™️ in the bedroom before Nines moves back

Shoutout to Maximilian Kroger’s muscles u go dude

Lighting Symbolism™️, big theme through the movie, honestly I think it’s beautiful and they did a wonderful job with it.

The little nod from Gavin as he starts talking about his nightmare

You can see Gavin gearing up to move, like not in a normal way, in a “oh god I don’t know if I have the energy to do this” way and that’s Relatable™️

The little smile from Nines as they sit together

The SHARK PLUSHIE I LOVE HIM (THE SHARK HAS AN INSTAGRAM @ sharktreuse)

Nines being domestic, making coffee and breakfast, being Soft.

Shirt change??? Either I’m blind or he’s wearing a different shirt in the morning (He is. He’s wearing a t shirt at night and a buttoned collar shirt in the morning. Perhaps he changed? He’s wearing normal pants so he probably changed but he’s not wearing that same shirt in the next scene)

Ada eye rolling at them being passive aggressive dumbasses. Same. Apparently Jillian kept fucking with them which is,, so valid.

The lighting in this scene (the office pt. 2) makes Maximilian look Android-white and outlined in the CyberLife blue-ish color. Very symbolic, I have no idea if it was intentional.

Another shoutout, this time to Maximilian’s eyebrows, the expressiveness is *chef’s kiss*.

“You can thank me later, Casanova.” Nines: *confused Android noises*

Honorable mention to Michael’s Foo Fighters t shirt in the bar, it’s vintage.

Nines is in fact wearing a different shirt now. Not the same shirt from the morning bedroom scene. I also think he’s wearing a different jacket. Less of a peacoat and more of a leather jacket. Nice.

Shoutout to Tina’s (not irl) wife, Valerie! And her weird crush on Hank! I honestly can’t wait to see her in Seven Deadly Synths!!

Ada DODGING the questions that Nines is asking because she is SHADY.

Also, he looks to Gavin when he talks about wanting to be more human. Recurring theme of him perceiving himself as lacking because of his ace-ness/android-ness, like he can’t give Gavin what he wants. Honestly I know that the android thing is a thinly veiled metaphor for race in canon but I kinda like thinking of it as a metaphor for being LGBT+ and in Nines’ case, specifically ace. Might not make sense but it does in my brain??

Gavin Senses Are Tingling and Nines is GONE. Leaving the bar for ur not-bf to try to talk things out like adults??? King shit.

Also electric lighter, fun, I genuinely didn’t know those existed

SHIRT WITH UNBUTTONED COLLAR

“You don’t want to help me, you want to fix me.” What a loaded line. Because in a way, it’s almost true? Like, Nines has this entire simulation of Gavin in his ideal world, and obviously that version of Gavin has probably been idealized at least a bit. Nature of humanity, and Nines might not be human but he’s got the Brain Things. And at that moment, it’s nearly true that Nines wants Gavin to be like that ideal Gavin. Obviously Nines wants Gavin as Gavin, but there’s the edge of that simulation there, still.

But Nines does want to help Gavin, and that’s where he’s wrong. Nines wants Gavin to get better, wants to help stop the nightmares, etc. But by pointing that out, I think it’s partially why Nines can accept letting go of Simulation!Gavin when Ada attacks him. Because he knows that the simulation of Gavin will never be the real Gavin, and this line sort of helps him understand that he can’t really keep Sim!Gavin anyways.

Again idk if that’s legit but that’s definitely something I felt from that while watching.

Nines is constantly very controlled, but when he walks away from Gavin you can see him straining to keep that composure and not let his anger show.

Ada looking So Done With This Shit when Nines comes back from talking with Gavin outside of the bar

“I’m sure this will be like...every other time.” Oh honey. Oh my sweet child. I am so very sorry. It most definitely will not be.

Ada’s exasperated Eyebrow Raise before taking a drink. If that ain’t the mood sis.

I love Ada’s bat wings on her outfits.

Gavin being a stalker and putting his hood up.

“I’m...certain that most of the credit can go to you.” IMMEDIATE ANGER. Must Defend Boyfriend.

I SO WANTED HIM TO SAY “WISDOM” WHILE TALKING ABOUT GAVIN’S SKILLS BECAUSE IT WOULD MIRROR HIM TELLING GAVIN THAT HE ISN’T WISE BEFORE THEY LEFT FOR THE STAKEOUT. He didn’t, but instinct is a better word for Gavin anyways.

Nines has Suspicion™️...press X for doubt...

*Only vaguely related rant warning*

I do feel that we as a fandom tend to make Connor almost childishly innocent despite him being likely one of the least kind and least innocent characters. The characterization of Nines in this--and pardon me for the off topic rant--where he’s a fully grown man and acts like it is so much more realistic. Nines is a cop, as is Connor.

Even post deviancy, they were designed and equipped to handle murder. Nines, in a lot of fandom content, tends to come off as an exasperated older brother or a gritty and mean detective, or even worse, essentially a sociopath who feels nothing in contrast to Connor’s childish and extreme innocence. I dislike both. Seeing Nines be a normal fucking person is so relieving, I’m serious. There’s still those elements of ‘oh he’s only been properly alive for like a year, right? He probably doesn’t get Chris’ Casanova reference.’ but it’s not to such an extreme that it overtakes all of his personality traits.

Like, yeah, ok, I get why a lot of fandom content does that. In order to balance what we see Connor do (and in order to further push the Hank as a father line) we over-emphasize the not getting references and such. Honestly I see the same in content for Castiel from Supernatural. Nines, when he’s added, often HAS to be a lot darker in order to make that seem not as jarring and unrealistic.

Doesn’t mean I enjoy it. If you do? That’s great, good for you, but I don’t like seeing those characters be portrayed as such one dimensional extremes. People aren’t like that. On the off chance that someone is such an extreme, there’s still other aspects of their personality.

DE has done an amazing job at not flattening their personalities. Nines and Gavin are three-dimensional and incredibly interesting characters I find myself invested in every time I watch it.

*Onto the commentary again.*

Gavin is still being a stalker

“Particular fascination with the RK line” AHAHA funny. She’s also an RK, and she likely knows more than Nines because her programming is based on information gathering. Her fascination begins and ends with what their programming can do for her.

The little computer details in Ada’s eyes as she copies Nines’ OS, and again in Nines’ eyes when he’s in the alley alone. I believe Michelle did all of that and I am just amazed every time I watch.

The warped voice effect.

Gavin shifting to hold Nines as soon as he passes out

The ethereal colored lighting is very good for the mood, space hospital vibes

Shoutout to the latex suit they put Maximilian in! That’s not CG! He’s wearing a full body white latex suit. I’m so sorry.

Gavin looks so tired talking to Dr. Maria. His posture is defensive, pulled into himself. Shoulders hunched, arms pulled in. Eye bags, messy hair. Boy looked messed up. Somebody hug him.

Nines’ hair being disheveled and messy in the corrupted Zen Garden, rivaling his assertion that in his ideal world (Aka the normal Zen Garden) his appearance is polished, signifying the loss of control and the loss of the Zen Garden being a safe, ideal space for him. Same concept with Sim!Gavin being corrupted.

Nines: *wakes up in his mindspace*

Also Nines, immediately: GAVIN!!1!!1

Nines believes in CONSENT!! You do not go into someone’s program without asking, ADA.

Ada’s “poor widdle baby” face as Nines is freaking out because she trapped him. Mood.

Tina wearing a low turtleneck and a flannel is Peak Gay, especially next to Gavin “I wear the same leather jacket+hoodie combo every single day and probably the same jeans for a month” Reed, aka the most disastrous and chaotic bisexual I have ever seen. Again, a mood, I honestly felt that one.

The face when Nines realizes that Ada isn’t deviant yet.

Gavin is blaming himself somebody stop this idiot.

“Not without Nines.” What a softie.

“The last thing I said to him was ‘I don’t need you’.” BITCH WHAT THE FUCK MY HEART.

Gavin calling Tina “T” in that soft voice is so sweet omg

Ugh the bisexual LIGHTING is KILLING ME, ESPECIALLY as Gavin sits at Nines’ bedside

Tina encouraging Gavin. WLW/MLM solidarity.

Fun fact: Chris Trindade told Maximilian not to react at all to the big speech but Maximilian literally started crying during it and there’s footage somewhere of the Dramatic Single Tear rolling down his face while he’s still ‘in stasis’.

Yes, I double checked the streams to make sure I got this right, I love the concept though.

Look I cannot get into the speech because I will write 1.5k words on it, but I will say this: It made me cry. The acting, the writing, it’s iconic. The amount of love and devotion they got without even saying the words “I love you” was amazing. Chris is so very talented.

THERES A TAKE WHERE GAVIN FALLS ASLEEP NEXT TO NINES’ HOSPITAL BED AKSDGAKL IM SCREAMING

Tina is the best wingman ngl

The glitches in Zen Gavin are amazing. The sequence when he’s deleting the Zen Garden is also amazing. I use amazing a lot but it’s deserved.

Nines deleting the Zen Garden and Sim!Gavin is very symbolic of letting go of all of the fake stuff, letting go of the fear he was holding that kept him from confessing to Gavin and I love that

Nines sitting silently straight up.

Gavin is highly intelligent and I’m so glad Octopunk embraces that.

*another vaguely related rant warning*

Ok let me tell y’all a thing because this RUINS MY LIFE. People tend to take characters like Percy Jackson or Dean Winchester, whose intelligence isn’t outwardly obvious from the get-go, and remove it entirely. Percy is reduced to an idiot who can’t tie his own shoes and Dean is often shown basically unable to research without Sam. Both of those are bullshit.

Percy has ADHD and Dyslexia, so when often we categorize smart as only book-smart, Percy’s intelligence as a battle strategist and his actual knowledge gets erased. Dean is usually the more physical and shoot-first-never-ask-questions type, and his intelligence is severely downplayed. He made an EMP detector from scratch. Made a shotgun, remembers how to kill things, is a very good hunter, especially on his own. But that’s thrown away because he’s not book-smart.

I despise when people take characters who are talented and smart in ways that aren’t just reciting the periodic table and reduce them to muscles and angst or drooling children.

Octopunk having a scene where Gavin is working through a case, already having done the things that Chris, someone who was only recently promoted, suggests, is just affirming Gavin’s intelligence in a way I wish I could be not surprised by. Gavin is smart, and luckily I haven’t seen much downplaying that fact. He’s a detective for a reason. Unfortunately I think it might be because the fandom tends to turn Connor and Nines into actual children, but a win is a win.

Now I’m not saying I don’t love a good himbo character but I literally had to stop interacting with Percy Jackson content because people wrote him as incapable.

*Moving on*

“I think I can help with that.” Bitch why are you so dramatic I love him so much.

Nines’ t-shirt says “Detroit City Marathon”

“You...undead asshole.” What an iconic line. I need a t-shirt.

“I...hate you.” “You love me.” Harkens back to the beginning where the roles are reversed. Yes I used that unironically. Words are fun.

Gavin looking scared right before The Kiss™️

THE PULSE POINT!! THE SCENE WAS SUPER EMOTIONAL SO MICHELLE WANTED THEM TO DO YOGA ZEN SHIT TO PREPARE AND THEN THEY JUST DID THE THING BUT THEY PUT IN THE PULSE POINT

ANYWAYS THAT’S WHAT GAVIN IS FEELING FOR ON NINES’ WRIST RIGHT BEFORE THE KISS.

I thought that was cute when I learned it in one of the streams.

Nines’ LED spinning blue when they finally kiss asgladkaf

“What dipshit programmed you to do that?” “I’m the most advanced android ever made, detective-“ “oh you are such a fuckin’ prick!” “Takes one to know one.” I canNOT with them, I laughed my ASS off

The little broken laugh Nines does

Nines rubbing his hands over Gavin’s while they talk about Gavin’s jacket

Shoutout to Chris’ surprised pikachu face. (Tina is also there) That was a joke take, it’s in the gag reel, too. The face wasn’t supposed to make it into the film but Michelle added it. (In the gag reel, Carla yells “Let’s go to Denny’s!” At the end.)

And Ada’s leather pants. Honestly?? She’s so pretty. I love her. They’re all really attractive it’s actually terrifying.

Nines and Tina being a part of the Gay Turtleneck Gang

Nines’ untucked turtleneck

Tina being a Smart Girl. (Nines calling her “Officer” and her replying with “I’ll make detective someday.”

Chris being Exhausted during the whole meeting. Me too dude.

Chris and Tina doing literally nothing while Gavin and Nines have a whole heart to heart

The WHITE COAT. Tina in her blues. Chris’ Foo Fighters shirt. They’re such icons but they absolutely look like a group of gay ppl who did NOT decide on a theme.

The fight sequence is impressive, considering that they’re literally not stunt actors. I’m not a fight choreographer or stunt person so That’s really all I have to say on that.

Chris patting Gavin’s gun after he explains what he’s doing. \

As a Jason Todd lover the crowbar is unfortunate (had to, sorry)

Nines’ smirk and the TURTLENECK as he spins away from Ada with the crowbar. Iconic. The Big Dick Energy. Especially for someone who doesn’t have a dick.

Chris being a Dad when Gavin runs off to go stop the body calibration

Ada just YEETS Gavin. Iconic.

Ada: *doing the villain “you won’t shoot me, you’re too moral” thing*

Chris: Shut the fuck up *shoots her*

Deviancy sequence, iconic

“You’re awake now” bitch get your own tag line, Markus became Robot Jesus for this shit

He’s HOLDING HER HAND while DEFENDING HER!! PLATONIC HAND HOLDING

Gavin trusting Nines’ decision immediately. Amazing. THAT’S LOVE BITCH.

The SMILES after Ada leaves!! They know they made the right choice!

Ugh the COLOR SYMBOLISM!! This is one thing that Michelle has touched on herself! Gavin isn’t wearing white in this scene because he’s not ‘fixed’, he never will be! He has trauma and he’s just barely beginning to heal from it with Nines’ help. He’s wearing grey, lighter than his usual, but still grey because they aren’t pure or innocent and they’re not perfect!! And that’s the fucking point!! It’s also a contrast against Sim!Gavin wearing white! Sim!Gavin was an idealized version of Gavin in Nines’ idealized world!! Real Gavin isn’t that!! So he’s wearing grey!!

Gavin immediately understanding that Nines is Ace and that it’s ok!! Beautiful!

“You’ve been a whole person since the day you woke up” YES!! YOU DO NOT NEED SEX TO BE WHOLE!! FUCK YEAH!!! (this is ace excitement. In the months since writing this I realized I’m aro-ace and trans so fuck yeah for ace rep.)

Gavin being a dick and making Nines tell him about the skin thing

THE KISS!! They slowly move more into the light!! Because they’re getting better TOGETHER!!

Ok before I sign off, it’s only 3 am so I think I’m awake enough to talk about this, I like that they bring up that Gavin has like, actual issues that he needs to get through. Let’s be 100% honest here, I see Gavin as having ADHD, depression, and probably a form or symptoms of PTSD. He’s kinda fucked up and I’m gonna be real here he needs some therapy. He’s got trauma and needs to work through it.

I like that at the end they explicitly have Nines understand and accept that that’s what needs to happen. As someone who has actually had relationships ruined because of trauma (on both sides) that we were unprepared to work through together, if I had seen something like that? Game changer. As it was, most relationships I had seen were idealized and seemed to “fix” those issues by way of just being in a relationship. Thanks major media.

Now that the Detroit Evolution post series is over, I’m gonna be a bit sentimental and say that this film quite literally changed my life. Seriously. Michelle is such a big inspiration for me and I can only hope to be the same for someone else.

If you ever have a chance to check out any of the amazing people who worked on this film, please do. To put into context how big this was: I changed my ideal college major from Forensics to Film.

That’s it that’s all, ending this post at 3:24 am before I literally start crying over it. Thanks for suffering through my long-winded explanations, I hope you enjoyed. Have a wonderful day.

#theo watches Detroit Evolution #octopunk media #reed900 #gavin reed #rk900 #look I tagged Michelle because I have shit impulse control and I wanted y'all to have like #a direct link to her page #i might cry if she sees this and comments on it #seriously I might #happy tears though #it's 3 am and my tic is back #I have no impulse control rn #and I would fight god #also if y'all wanna request something head to the askbox or the dms #I'll look into it

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hanamuranobuyuki · 3 years ago

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About the Amanda, Jyushi, Jiro, Love, Life series

Today I thought I would try to give a little bit of insight to the ongoing series right now. It’s surprisingly been a couple of months since I began this journey, and with how much I have planned to write for this, it will probably take a few more until I’ve written all that I have planned out. With the sheer length of these works it does take a long time, so I might have forgotten about a loooot of stuff, but I’ll try to list off the things I remember quq. If you’re interested in reading some of these backstories, you can after the line break^^

For those interested in reading the series as it gets updated, you can read it here! I hope you enjoy this!

To be completely honest, I should have been done with this little excursion after writing Amanda’s Journey to Bringing Jyushi Happiness. I thought that this much was enough, and I was having low confidence issues as to whether or not things were likable, if they were in character (or somewhat at the very least...) and the list could go on forever.

But ideas kept popping into my head and what was supposed to be disjointed scenes out of everyday life for Jiro and Jyushi as they manage a long distance relationship after only being together for a day turned into Closing the Distance Between Us..... quite comical if you ask me considering the word count just got longer from there *cries into the distance*

But to tell you the truth, I’m happy I continued this journey despite the challenges. I feel like the way I’m progressing through this is giving it a more complete story that embodies the “circle of life and love” I imagine thanks to Amanda’s existence. This is also the reason why I named the series the Amanda, Jyushi, Jiro, Love, Life series. It’s a circle of connections, founded by Amanda, and it branches off into love for Jyushi and Jiro, which betters their life and/or changes it drastically from what it could have been. So with that kinda pushed out of the way, lemme tell you about some good old background info.

1. Amanda’s Journey to Bringing Jyushi Happiness is not my first Jiroshi fic

... it’s just the first one I’ve completed. After being immersed in the Hypmi fanfic archives and devouring the sweetness that is Jiroshi I started thinking about things I could write. The first one came in the form of Jyushi wearing red lipstick, which to this day I don’t know if I’m making it fluff or more explicit but I was hooked on the idea and... stopped writing 500 words into the work. The second one came in the form of An Outrageous Circumstance. I wasn’t surprised about Buster Bros making an appearance in my strange dreams, but after reflecting on it I realized I could use this and switch Jyushi with me in the dream plot. I fortunately did manage to finish writing that, so if you’d like to read that, you can here.

Amanda’s Journey to Bringing Jyushi Happiness was born from the concept that Amanda has more of an importance to Jyushi’s life than ever imagined. I wondered, what would happen if Amanda had a soul and supported Jyushi? And from there this was born. Initially I was content with leaving it as it was since I didn’t know just how much power I could give Amanda, but they grew on me so much okay? I practically love Amanda as much as I do Jyushi and Saburo. I can’t produce them tho aha... having Amanda as a support person is one of the best things I could write for Jyushi. And I hope people can enjoy this as much as I have.

2. The soulmates concept is mostly forgotten about 90% of the time for me.

Whenever I write more installments I forget that this is kind of a soulmates au, based on the fact that Amanda can see the fated linkage between Jyushi and Jiro. I always imagine this is kinda like a semi rewrite of canon world but at the same time it’s like it’s own little world quq. But whenever I have to stop and think about how much fluff I need to add and just sequential things like that... the soulmates concept come out. I guess I do have to thank myself for actually remembering about it every once in awhile XD

But I will mention that this fate concept will come out more in some of the newer installments. I have prewritten something a little more into the future that heavily talks about the fated pair deal. I hope you’ll look forward to it!

2.1. Why is Jiro the only one that has a fated string?

I wrote this specifically in Amanda’s point of view. If anyone had a fated string, Amanda would believe this person to be Jyushi’s fated partner, because their duty is to look over Jyushi and make sure he receives the happiness he deserves. Amanda cannot see the fated strings of anyone else in the world, because Jyushi is all Amanda truly cares about. Think of it as a special gift Amanda was gifted by the gods for their journey to giving Jyushi his happiness.

From here, I don’t know what else might be important, but I’ll list off some other things that might’ve been written in notes and other things like that.

3. Jyushi has “graduated” high school.

Jyushi’s school circumstances are kinda strange now that I think about it. THINKING ABOUT IT LOGICALLY, Jyushi should be a third year in high school at his age of 18 (or at least... I thought so lmao). Instead, I’ve given him a job and a life outside of school lol. So I’ll just say Jyushi got into school a little earlier than he should have thanks to his parent’s frequent travels abroad. He was raised by his grandmother most of the time, whenever his parents couldn’t stay in Japan. Around middle school, Jyushi transferred to a middle school that was closer to his grandmother’s residence, rather than feed into the middle school his elementary school was joined with, so then the commute from his grandmother’s residence wouldn’t be as problematic.

Amanda was born around this time, and they got to witness the extremely difficult times Jyushi faced. When Jyushi’s grandmother passes, Jyushi moves in with his aunt and uncle who lived in the next town over. Feeling bad about being a nuisance when they were planning on having a family, Jyushi finds a high school with a boarding plan so he doesn’t have to inconvenience them any more than he did. Along with these plans Jyushi also found part time jobs that were allowed in accordance to the school rules. This is where he finds his passion with making music, which is more than just listening to it and singing in general.

Jyushi was fortunate enough that he had his own dorm. Most of that reason came in the form of his “eccentric personality” which came out a lot whenever he was nervous. He had classmates who talked to him, but he didn’t really have friends. With that said and done, Jyushi quietly progressed through school and quietly graduated around his 18th birthday. He was already set with a job though, with the label he is currently under giving him a contract whilst in his third year of high school. The company officially advertises Argo Kishii Gakudan, and Jyushi becomes the lead singer who produces everything on his own. They gain popularity almost instantly thanks to the copious amount of lives they have done.

Technically, Argo Kishii Gakudan was already a couple years old however. They were made up of Jyushi’s upperclassmen that recognized his talent for music, Takeru, Jun, and Keisuke. You will see more of them in Side N. But because they were so small, and had to pay for all their bookings and everything on their own, going out to share their music, even when they were a hit in their frequent live houses, was nearly impossible. Thanks to the backing of their label, Argo Kishii Gakudan was able to perform around the country and do tours. The fateful one that brings Jiro and Jyushi together is their first one to Ikebukuro.

Jyushi in the current day doesn’t have many opportunities to see his mother and father. They’re successful in their own respective companies, and it shows in the way they send copious amounts of money to Jyushi whenever they can’t meet. Jyushi never has used it though, instead saving it and using only his own earnings from his contract and his previous part time jobs.

Sooo that’s my sorry attempt to document the reason why Jyushi doesn’t attend school lmao. And maybe a little insight on Argo Kishii Gakudan lol.

4. Room settings are soooo difficult to envision, especially whenever they’re different from whatever it is you’re looking at

When I started writing Side: I, and even before when I was writing the ending of Closing the Distance Between Us, I didn’t have the image of Jiro’s room to refer to. How I imagined his room was somewhat drastically different, and thanks to that, I ended up not really giving much of a description to those fics. As of today though, I wrote some hefty descriptions of Jyushi’s room because it’s building up on the imagery I had, in combination to Jyushi’s room in ARB.

You’ll get to read it in the next fic I post from this series. Hope you look forward to it!!

5. Music kinda defines a lot of my inspirations to adding to this series

I listen to music all the time while I’m writing. As a result, there are times I get sidetracked based on songs that come to the shuffle. When I wrote Amanda’s Journey to Bringing Jyushi Happiness and Closing the Distance Between Us, I shuffled a lot of the Hypmi music into my playlist, with a focus on Moonlight Shadow XD. But then I started writing Side: I, and then I came across a really inspirational song when I watched a Men’s Rhythmic Gymnastics routine. While I don’t really associate with the story this song was for, I love this song enough I played it on repeat for like. 80% of that fic entirely.

There’s a couple lines where Jiro thinks about how some romantic music would be playing in the background if it was a drama of some sorts, and this song was a tribute to the fact I was listening to one song... almost entirely. Please listen to it here.

For Side: I-02, another song was put on replay for a little while as well. I made mention of it in the upload post I did for that fic, but I’ll list it here as well.

I hope you’ll give these tracks a listen one day!

7. Some references kinda inside the fics.

I guess I’ll wrap up this mini list of nonsense by mentioning some things I’ve added into these fics based on inspiration from other things or just in random I guess.

Amanda’s Journey to Bringing Jyushi Happiness: I didn’t know how a love at first sight type of story with soulmates au would work out when I wrote it. I was inspired to write the arcade portion of the date because 1. I wanted to write a kiss segment. And 2. I thought arcade dates would be enjoyable XD.

Closing the Distance Between Us: I never expected this would be in sequential order, like I think I mentioned earlier. I intended on this being more like texting and messaging moments between the two while coping with their long distance relationship. Because of this... I... I don’t really know. I didn’t have an excuse to write this XD I just loved the two and my inspiration was the fuel that was this series? Ahahaha XD

You, Me, and Summer: Side I: a lot of romantic feels fueled this fic, among other things. I was inspired to write a whole lot on Jyushi’s hair routine bc of the tsunami season voice lines on ARB. When I did write this, I was also watching a sports anime called Bakuten. It is a Men’s rhythmic gymnastics anime, and it was what I mentioned when Jyushi watches the anime with Ichiro. The game that they all play is the Game of Life, more or less. I played a few games from the game boy edition just to get a grasp on the game ahaha. But the reason why I added this game was because the ARB event that ran me over with Jiro and Jyushi SSRs. They were event scout SSRs... and the fact that I was drowning in Jiroshi feels only to have MORE thanks to official content even if they weren’t in the same team just made me internally scream and dance all night long.

These two... destroyed my account in more ways than one. I’m now technically a Jiro and Jyushi stan rather than a Saburo and Jyushi stan bc Saburo or Ichiro on that matter never come home. But thanks to this I had to play enough to rank on two accounts. Thus... the one month delay.

Side I-02: because of this event, I decided that they should okay their own human sized Life game. I had to give tribute to the event that wrecked me aha. When I was writing this, I drew something on the side as well. . . And while I’m not sure I like it anymore, I thought I’d share it as well.

One hour of watching the sun rise and not being able to sleep led me to drawing this prototype on a whim. And because I’m a fan of drawing Jyushi’s wardrobe... I thought it would be fun ahaha XD I am a newbie still when it comes to digitally drawing but I am happy at how this turned out!

Finally, I will make mention of the haunted house. While hopping through logs on pixiv, I came across some log that showed how Jiro and Jyushi are scared of scary things, but Jyushi is like a sobbing mess and Jiro is just flat out scared. And later, I heard Jiro react negatively to a horror movie in ARB. When I heard this, I couldn’t resist the temptation! And since technically, Jiro and Jyushi don’t know more about each other than you would think, I thought it was a good opportunity to get them to know something else about them.

Sooo... I think that’s all I can think of right now! I hope you enjoyed learning about some of these small tidbits I could remember when I started working on this series. There’s a lot more to this you can look forward to, and I hope you look forward to it!

I will also apologize in advance for the sheer amount of mistakes there may be. I am my own beta, and I’m usually finishing these up at 5am like clockwork XD whenever I hit a slump in my writing, or miraculously reach the end of this series, I will make sure to clean them up I swear TTuTT thank you for understanding QuQ

If you have any questions, you can ask me here! I’ll try to get to them as quickly as possible. Thank you for taking the time to read this!

#hypnosis mic #aimono jyushi #yamada jiro #jiroshi #amanda-jyushi-jiro-love-life talks #behind the fic #please let me know if you wold like to learn more about any of these fics as I’m uploading them!#I do hope this is enjoyable for you to read!#Thank you for your support QuQ

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thebraingremlinsaremad · 3 years ago

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Daily Blog #15: August 22, 2021

Dollar Tree is honestly pretty fucking awesome 👌👌👌

I set my alarm for like 6:25 this morning, but it took 6 minutes for the "Horsin' Around" theme song instrumental to wake me up. I was pretty tired lol. I just dismissed it and went back to sleep.

I only went back to sleep because I knew I had another alarm set for 7:00. That got me up.

I should mention that this was still in the RV over an hour away from the house.

After I got up, I went to go get a shower, and did so successfully.

Unfortunately, I had forgotten my brush this time and had to do it afterwards after my hair had a bit of time to dry, which did make it a little more difficult lol.

I got dressed and grabbed my stuff, putting it into my car.

I made it a point to see and say "see you later" to my grandparents before I left for the flea market.

My dad insisted that I stayed to say goodbye to my mom, so I left.

I did NOT have cell service up there, as was mentioned in my previous 2 blogs of which I could only post today, so finding my way was a tiny bit difficult until I got some service to ask Google to take me to "...".

It worked and I got there.

On my drive, I listened to 1 by Simple Kid, a CD I had previously purchased at a Dollar Tree location.

I got a call from the guy at the flea market saying that I had some people there waiting for me. He asked how far away I was, to which I said "about 10 minutes." Ironically, that call made me miss my exit, as Google couldn't talk during the call, and added about 3 minutes to my arrival time lmao.

I did sell the Xbox that he said someone was interested in. I got $40 for it. I spent 27¢ on it. Pretty good return if you ask me.

I couldn't sell it with anything other than a power cord because the controller and AV cables I had been using to play it there were for my personal console. I'm just glad I can actually hook my Xbox up and stop having to drag them to the flea market along with a small library of games.

Not too long after I sold the Xbox, someone came in and asked if I wanted to see some electronics he had in his car. I went out with him. It was a pair of 3ft speakers and a Pioneer audio system with dual cassette decks (although neither of them works) and a 25 Disc CD-changer, as well as the standard AM/FM tuner. Additionally, there was a Fisher amplifier and AM/FM tuner as well as a Fisher Direct Drive turntable. He said he wanted $60 for em, but before that he casually, and probably accidentally, dropped that he was just gonna take em to the thrift store.

Big mistake.

I got em for $35 lmao. THERE GOES MOST OF MY PROFIT.

Oh well.

I tested everything. As I mentioned, the cassette decks don't work, but everything else does apart from the turntable needing a new stylus.

I posted some new photos of the shop to Facebook, and someone soon DMed me about a stereo system.

I priced everything, and it turns out I have about $300 worth of equipment from that deal, the Fisher amp and tuner being worth about $150.

The buyer will hopefully show up next weekend, for he wants to buy the Fisher stuff ($185 with the turntable), the 3ft speakers, an 8-track deck, and a Kenwood deck we've had for a week or two.

The speakers are listed for $50 (and are worth around $100-150), the Kenwood Deck for $50 as well, and the 8-track for $35. That makes it about $320 in equipment. Since he's buying so much, I'll knock it down to $270 and essentially give him the speakers or cassette deck for free lol.

Apart from that stuff, not much happened at the flea market. I sold some records, cassettes, CDs and I think 2 DVDs. One person bought a VHS tape? That money was the other guy's though. Oh well xD.

I can't say that I didn't miss my wonderful partner while on the trip. I actually brought along the stuffed animal they gave me (who's name is Greg) and snuggled with him both nights.

I was very happy to hear from them UwU.

They let me rant and I let them rant.

I honestly give them too much responsibility over me xD. I'm like, "Okay, I'm gonna do this. HOLD ME TO IT."

I know I can't hold myself to anything I personally say (this blog being the only exception apparently), but I listen to them pretty well I think 🤔. If they tell me, "No, you don't need that VCR," so long as it's not some weird specialty thing, like a worldwide VCR 🥵, I'll be like "Yeah, you rite bro."

I love you man xD. You control my craziness pretty well. I'm so thankful for you UwU.

#relationshipgoals

So part way through the flea market day, I went over to Dollar Tree to buy some snack, but ended up looking through the CDs to see if there was anything good. I took photos of about 18 CDs and flipped through them online for the remainder of the flea market day.

I deleted the photos of the ones I didn't want and kept those that I liked. Surprisingly, I ended up buying 13 CDs there, but not before dropping them on the floor like the dumbass I am.

Also, sorry for all the nerd shit I spilled on your lap earlier. No one cares about amps and tuners xD.

I'M LISTENING TO ONE OF THE DOLLAR TREE CDS RIGHT NOW THO.

I already transferred over to my online library on iBroadcast and put the disc into my CD changer, which is now holding 164 CDs.

Its max capacity is 300 discs 🥵

WHY AM I NERD

Oh well

I like being a nerd gurl

Also maybe a technosexual 👀

I get really excited over some electronics. Like. REALLY excited.

Some editing VCRs are like "Holy shit that is SEXY. Look at those goddamn VU meters 🥵. And hhhh there are like 7 inputs on this thing and individual controls for left and right audio gain, not to mention Hi-Fi S-VHS recording. Hhhhhhhhhhh please gimme 😭. Why are you so expensive?"

I uh, mean, uh, *cough* look, pretty lights.

Oh yeah, I was gonna say the album I was listening to xD. MAN I GOT SIDETRACKED.

It's 37 Everywhere by Punchline. Def give it a listen; it's pretty heccin good.

Another notable album I picked up was Page One by Steven Page. I very much like the first track, "A New Shore." It's quite catchy and he has a great voice imo.

Also at dollar tree, I bought a regular bag of Fieras and 2 bags of Fieras Sticks, which were marked down to 75¢/bag because they're expiring soon.

I honestly like the generic Dollar Tree version of Takis more than actual Takis. They're a lot more flavorful when it comes to the lime, but also hotter at the same time.

Don't get the hot nacho ones tho. Hot nacho? More like hot pile of shit.

HAH

Goteem.

They're not that good xD.

THE REGULAR ONES ARE FIRE THO

"How do you do fellow kids?"

I got home and started working on putting the CDs onto my computer, and then onto iBroadcast, but not without first adding The Music Man to my digital library, something I had neglected for a month or two. The CD had just been sitting there lol.

I also switched my digital file for "The Black Parade" to that of the uncensored CD, which I had purchased before I event started working over 2 months ago.

MAN I'M LAZY

I eventually get around to shit tho lol. I guess it's just a matter of priority.

What usually takes priority is digging through everything to find something that I forgot about but then remembered, making a mess in the process that I would then have to clean up, at least partially.

I think the album just ended. I've been writing for a while xD. I'ma start "I Made You Something" by The Island of the Misfit Toys.

I'll tell you where that album came from in a minute.

In the meantime, where was I?

I kinda lost my train of thought despite reading up to see where I was. Oh well. On I go.

I ate dinner and kept working on those CDs, eventually putting my clothes from the week into the washer.

I FORGOT TO PUT MY SHAPING UNDERWEAR IN. FUCKING HELL MAN.

I wanted to wash em for this week 😭

No tight pants for Leonna I guess qwq.

Meanwhile, the box of my CD album cases is overflowing. I need another box.

I keep all of the album artworks in a big CD folder. That's almost full.

I wanna fill my entire CD changer. That's one of my big goals in life. Idk why, but I just wanna legitimately fill the entire thing.

My clothes are in the dryer now. I don't think I have the time (or energy) to fold them tonight. I'll leave that for tomorrow morning before work.

And God. Fucking. Damnit. I start school again on Wednesday. NOT looking forward to that, and neither are my 2 coworkers. We already have low enough staff, but only the two of them working is gonna be a pain in the ass.

I'll still work Saturdays.

I need to contact my guidance counselor to get out of the gym class I signed up for. I scheduled this shit before I found out I was trans, and I don't wanna deal with the fucking locker room situation 🙄 I have far more important matters.

Okay so anyway, the album I'm listening to came from a cassette. I bought this cassette a few months ago at the flea market along with a few others. The reason I bought them? They were all newer cassette releases from the 2010's, and they're all actually pretty good music from very indie bands.

Currently getting mad at iBroadcast's compression algorithm. It's unnaturally fucking anything over -10db up. Oh well, there's not really anything I can do about it.

I have like 13GB of music on my phone btw. That's about 3.5k songs on 268 albums.

I'm kind of an audiophile, but I'm too cheap to pay for a lossless service. Oh well.

They do actually have a lossless service on iBroadcast, but once again, too cheap.

Someone just sent me a friend request who legitimately posted that BLM and the democratic party are hate groups.

BLOCK.

Goodbye ho.

I don't get that. They call the democratic party a hate group when they hate people like me, and I, being more of a democrat although not fully because the 2-party system is fucked, think nothing more of them than they're very wrong about certain things, especially, as shown, that black people, as well as asian, Indian, native, and people of all ethnicities and backgrounds, are not equal to white people.

Yeh.

Totally.

You go buddy.

Anyway, yeah, I can, and do, convert music and video from analog formats to digital files in order for me to archive and listen to whenever and wherever I please. I've actually made a bit of a business out of it, but I don't get too much work from it. At least I'm not overloading myself xD.

I honestly have so much more to say, but I should probably go to sleep soon.

A few final shoutouts to the following people and companies:

-Dollar Tree

-Steven Page

-Broken World Media

-The Island of Misfit Toys

-Simple Kid

-Punchline

-My incredible partner QwQ I love you so much. Thanks for being the best all the time. I hope I can give you the best life ever.

Anyway I suppose this is goodnight. Lmk if you want a full list of the CDs I bought today! I'll link that song by Steven Page here.

And here's a good song from Simple Kid

I really like music lol. Enjoy these pieces.

Anyway, goodnight lol.

Lots of love,

-Leonna.

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sugaslilsugabby · 5 years ago

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Distraction

Scorpio x Reader

A/N: I was supposed to post this sooner but I got sidetracked with momma duties and all that good stuff! I will say I actually really enjoyed writing this piece, I’m a big Scorpio stan 🥺♥️

Summary: Scorpio was busy doing holiday punishments, you finally had enough of being alone through the holidays so you decide to stay the night at the mansion.

Word count: 1,487 Words

Letter count: 7,931 Letters

Nsfw content bois♥️

You stared out the window of your boyfriend's room, it had been almost a year since you and Scorpio had begun dating. With everyone, he acted very standoffishly, cold demeanor, and highly discourteous. But with you, it was the complete opposite. He'd still have that cold tone in his voice, but the smile that would grace his lips when he told you he loved you was proof enough that no matter detached he'd seem you knew that deep down that man would give his godhood up if it meant to keep you alive and out of harm's way.

He'd been holed up in his room for a while now seeing as it was the holidays and punishments were piling up in the heavens. He'd been on Earth working at his desk with the occasional trip to the heavens, you hadn't seen much of him and you were hoping to spend the holidays with him but that was easier said than done with his line of work and the fact that he was a god. You looked back into the room to stare at his back, seeing him work himself to the bone to be able to spend time with you. "Scorpio it's okay, I'll go back home and wait until your finished. You don't need to rush because I'm here." He shook his head without taking his eyes off his work, "You act like it's such a crime that you're here while I'm working, just stay." You smiled at him, at times he could be an ass, and other times he would act like a completely different person.

"Is it okay if I change into something comfortable? I did come to stay the night." You say giggling, he shrugged his shoulders, he mumbled something in the lines of "do whatever you want." You grabbed the overnight bag you packed and started to grab your pajamas. You stripped off your bra, if he would've turned around he'd get a view of you in nothing but red lace panties, something about you in the color red made you even more irresistible than you already were. One time the gods threw a party and you wore an off-shoulder red bodycon dress. Needless to say, you were moaning and screaming the entire night while he fucked senselessly. You threw on your black tank top and shorts and stared at where he was sitting.

You walked over him, wrapping your arms around his neck as you nuzzled your cheek against his soft black locks. He looked up and gave you one of his infrequent smiles, he turned slightly facing you. "C' mere, you can sit on my lap until I'm done working." He sat you on his lap as he rested his head on your shoulder whilst continuing his paperwork. "Are you sure you can work like this?" He didn't answer, but you had a pretty good answer as you saw his hands at work already. You began getting uncomfortable so you shifted slightly, prompting a low groan from him. "Sorry am I too heavy?" he shook his head, you felt one of his hands touch your hip as he nuzzled his head into your neck. "You look good." You giggled and lifted yourself slightly so you could pull your shorts down a bit. "Yea? But I look really good in red right?"

"You sly little minx distracting me from my work. You had this all planned out didn't you woman?" He growled as he lifted you, now you were facing him as you straddled him, his arousal now pressed against your core as you let out a mewl. You wrapped your arms around his neck and kissed him, biting his bottom lip and slipping your tongue in. It was a battle, teeth clashing, saliva swishing around in both of your mouths, and it just kept getting more and more heated. You pulled away, a single string of saliva keeping you two connected. He had his hands under your thighs as he stood up, him carrying you over to the bed, pinning you down. He stripped off your tank top, your nipples beginning to harden at the cold breeze. He left a trail of marks littering your neck down to your breasts before taking your left nipple in his mouth, swirling his tongue around it, leaving you a panting mess, your brand new red lace panties drenched in your arousal.

"You're making such a lewd face just from me playing with your nipple? Brace yourself cause if you're like this now imagine when I'm pounding that tight wet pussy." He growled in your ear as he rubbed two fingers against your panties, feeling your arousal coating your panties. He lowered himself until he was in between your legs. he stripped you of the last piece of clothing you had, staring at your bare pussy, arousal dripping out of your hot core. He swiped a finger upwards, catching your arousal before sucking on his finger. "S-Scorpio.." You whined. You knew his game, minimal touching, his hot breath on your most intimate parts as you writhed underneath him. He chuckled before licking a stripe through your folds, circling his tongue around your clit as he latched his mouth on your bundle of nerves, sucking harshly. A loud cry ripped through your throat as he ate you out, you grabbed his hair and bucked your hips. He knew how much you loved him eating you out, the feeling of his tongue licking your folds as if he were starved. He dipped his tongue in your core, you were a mess. You were so close to your orgasm, both you and Scorpio knew that. If anyone knew your body better than you it was him.

He added his finger into the mix, pumping in and out of your core almost teasingly which prompted a whine from you before he added a second finger. "Ahh! Scorpio please, ngh! Don't stop, feels so good!" You couldn't hold back the moans that were coming from you, he moved his finger in a 'come here' motion and that was your undoing. With a guttural cry, you came hard. Scorpio lapped up your juices and kept a slow pace with his fingers as you rode your high out. He kissed you, tasting yourself on his lips aroused you even more as you palmed his erection through his trousers, he bucked his hips at the friction, he parted from your lips, snapping his fingers he rid himself of his clothing, he pumped his length a few times before lining himself up at your slick entrance. "You have no idea just how crazy you drive me." The first few inches pressing into your pussy left you arching your back off the bed, he pulled out completely before sheathing himself in you to the hilt. The feeling of you tightening around his cock could make him cum right then and there, but he was gonna make you cum more than once, he always did.

he started pounding you, his hand caressing your cheek and he stared straight into you half-lidded lust-filled eyes. You were the most precious thing to him, the sight of you panting and moaning as he pumped himself in and out of your folds was a thing of beauty. You pressed your forehead to his as his thrusts became faster, a shriek of ecstasy spilling from your puffy pink lips. Your eyes rolling to the back of your head, the coils in your stomach coming undone. ”S-Scorpio I'm gonna cum!” You moaned, his hand snaking in between the two of you to add pressure to your clit.

”Beg for it and maybe I'll let you.” A groan escaping his lips as you tightened around him again, your legs started shaking, your hips bucking up to meet his thrusts, the feeling of his cock repeatedly hitting your G-spot had you on the edge of orgasm. ”Oh God- fuck please Scorpio can I cum? Please let me cum I can't hold it!” You shut your eyes tightly, trying to focus on anything other than your impending orgasm. You heard a guttural groan escape Scorpio’s lips as his cock started twitching, signaling he was close too. ”Good girl, cum for me.” That was all the confirmation you needed as you let yourself go, your core clamping down on his cock which sent him over the edge too, a loud cry of his name echoed in the room.

By the time you came down from your second orgasm, Scorpio had already pulled out, laying next to you trying to catch his breath. He pulled you close to him as you savored the feeling of his body heat, ”Scorpio what about your work?” He kissed the top of your head.

”Stupid woman, just go to sleep. I'll finish it later.” The feeling of being in the arms of the man you love lulled you to sleep.

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ificanthaveu · 5 years ago

Text

Trust Issues || Shawn Mendes

Description: You and Shawn bond over your shared trust issues, telling each other where they came from. Something you haven’t done in years.

A/N: half of the reader’s problems are literally what I went through, so yay for trust issues!!! I had a lil daydream about this the other day, and it actually turned out pretty cute.

Word Count: 3k

A soft knock on your door pulled you out of your trance as you stared at your laptop. You blinked the tiredness out of your eyes and checked the time. It was just after 1:00 pm, and you’d been working for over four hours already. You sighed and stood up from your desk and workspace in the corner of your living room to go answer the door. You peered through the peephole to see your neighbor Shawn waiting there. You knew what was coming.

You swung the door open, and you were met with his cheerful face and two cups of coffee.

“Good afternoon, Ms. [Y/L/N],” he said with a big smile. You definitely didn’t have the same expression.

“What do you want?” You said in a monotone voice.

“You wanna go for a walk?” He asked hopefully.

“Shawn, I have a stack of work I haven’t even gotten to yet that has to be done before midnight,” you said as you leaned against the doorway, eyeing the cup of coffee in his hand. It was an iced latte. Your favorite.

“But I know you need a lunch break,” he paused and held up your drink. “And I got you coffee. So we’re going to go on a walk to clear your head and to recaffeinate yourself.”

You thought about it for a moment as you continued to stare at the drink in his hand. You could easily grab the cup out of his hand and shut the door on him.

Before you could even entertain the idea, he had your cup held over his head.

“Not happening. You’re not getting this until we’re out of the building,” he said with a sly smile.

“Fine,” you grumbled with an eye roll as you grabbed your coat from the hook next to the door, stepped into the hallway and locked your door behind you.

“So what do you all have to do still?” He asked as you stepped into the elevator.

“I thought we weren’t talking about work.”

“We won’t after this one question.”

“I have a play manuscript and half a novel to read still. I’ll be lucky if I send it in before midnight,” you said as the elevator stopped at the ground floor and you walked out.

You exited the building and were met with the cool, fall Toronto air. As promised, Shawn handed you your drink as you turned to your left and began to walk towards the park.

“What are you doing today?” You asked him as you took a sip out of your coffee.

“Nothing. I had a melody stuck in my head for a while that I might try to get a song out of later, but the more I work at it, the less promising it gets,” he said as he took a drink out of his black coffee.

You walked in silence for a few moments as you both drank your coffees. As you stepped into the park, you took a deep breath and smiled. The smell of autumn air was your favorite.

“Alright, Mendes, what’s today’s walk topic?” You asked as you started down your usual trail.

Shawn was one of the first people to come introduce himself when you moved into your condo almost a year and a half ago. He offered to show you around the neighborhood, and you gladly accepted. Ever since then, the two of you took to a walk in the park down the street at least twice a week. On bad weeks where you had a ton of work or he was swamped with rehearsals and meetings, you made it a point to walk every day to make sure you got your mind off things. But work had its way of making the whole conversation about itself, so you and Shawn started coming up with topics to center your walks around. Whether it be friendships or why you love your hometown or favorite vacations, you always kept your conversations on track.

“Trust issues,” he said plainly without looking at you.

“Ah yes, the perfect light-hearted topic to distract us from work, our trust issues,” you said sarcastically.

“Well, you obviously have a lot of them. And I have some, too. So, today, I’m determined to find out why you have them,” he said as he glanced over at you.

“It’s a long story. Also, me telling you all that, would show that I don’t actually have trust issues since I’d be trusting you with why I may or may not have trust issues,” you reasoned.

Shawn gave you a confused look as you tried to rationalize you not saying anything.

It was nothing against Shawn. The two of you had grown to become pretty close within the last year, but when it came to the deep stuff that barely anyone knew, you hesitated to tell him You hesitated to tell anyone.

“We’ve been friends and neighbors for over a year now, and you do a remarkable job of not telling me anything remotely secretive about you. Most I know about the traumatic stuff is that you met your best friend because of it. But I don’t know what that ‘it’ is. And I think you should tell me. But that’s up to you and I have a backup topic if you don’t want to fight that battle today. That being said, I will bring this up every walk for the rest of our lives until you open up to me,” he said as you two stopped for a moment in front of the creek.

You stared at the ripples in the pond caused by a little boy throwing pebbles to your right.

“It all started in third grade,” you said, maybe a little too dramatically.

“Beautiful,” he said, a little too happily. You gave him a look. “Not the trust issues, you opening up to me,” he saved himself.

You started walking along the creek as you began again. You ran the story in your head a few times and cringed at the worst parts. You shoved your hands in your coat pockets as far as they could go.

“Third grade is when I fell in love with writing. I found it so remarkable that I could write my daydreams onto paper. I became absolutely obsessed with it. It’s really what carried me through everything. It’s what brought me to what I’m doing,” you said softly. You loved talking about your job. It was stressful, but it was your dream job. Since third-grade grammar lessons where you corrected your classmates' papers, you knew editing was going to be just for you.

“I don’t know how you do it. I can barely correct my own writing. And that’s never more than a page,” Shawn said.

“Third grade was also when my anxiety started to kick in,” you continued. “Third graders don’t understand that stuff very well,” you said.

“Like you didn’t understand it? Or your classmates?” He questioned. You shrugged your shoulders.

“Both? I guess. I would get frustrated, like why is this happening to me? Why can’t I go to sleepovers at a friend’s house without freaking out? Why do I feel nervous when literally nothing is going on? What’s this constant pressure in my chest? And then, on top of that, my friends never understood, and I lost a lot of people,” you said as you ran your hands up and down your cup.

“Is this when you met Bea?” He asked hopefully.

You laughed and shook your head.

“I didn’t meet her until junior year of high school. We have a beautiful roller coaster of events that happen before that,” you said.

“Damn,” he mumbled.

“Anyway,” you continued. “I remember being in the lunchroom. I was sitting at one of the tables with my neighbor. I went to throw something away, and on my way back to my spot, I heard one of my other friends talking about me. She was telling a whole lunch table about the weekend before when I left her house crying. I was quick to stop as she noticed I was there. I remember looking at her and saying ‘You don’t understand what I’m going through,’” you recalled.

“You called her out?” He said excitedly. “Is this when your badass side was born? Because of some asshole third grader telling everyone your problems?”

“Exactly. Look at you, learning so much already,” you said as you rested your hand on his shoulder.

“Amazing.”

“I look back at it, and she was always kind of an asshole. Her family was cool though. Her older brother still comments on all my facebook posts, but I haven’t really talked to her since middle school,” you said.

“So, after that I kind of shifted friend groups. I started stuffing all my feelings down instead of saying anything. But then I got comfortable and started opening up to these people. It was seventh grade. We were all at our one friend’s house and talking about anything and everything. And I told them about the guy I had a crush on.”

“Oh, God, I definitely know where this is going,” he said with a disgusted look on his face.

“Yep, they told him. Everyone found out, and I was humiliated. No one ever really said anything to me except for little comments here and there.”

“They knew not to mess with you because of your badass side,” Shawn added.

“Exactly. But that’s how I became friends with Andy. He was friends with the guy I liked, and he always called people out if they said anything. Besides Bea, he’s the one who knows everything because he lived it with me. I’d be dead without him,” you reminisced.

“I want to meet him. He’s in the army, right?” Shawn asked. You nodded your head and tried to hide your shocked expression. You didn’t think he’d remember.

“Yeah, he actually just got home a month ago. He’s visiting me next week,” you said with a big smile on your face.

“Will he join us for a walk?” Shawn asked. You shrugged your shoulders.

“I’m sure he will. He’ll want to be shown around, and you do it best,” you said as you bumped your shoulder against his.

“Ok, ok, back to the story,” Shawn caught you sidetracking, and urged you to continue.

“After that, I kind of coasted through the rest of middle school. I tried to stay open and friends with everyone without actually letting people in. It ended up working out pretty well. And then high school came,” you paused and took a drink.

“The suspense is killing me,” Shawn whispered. You rolled your eyes at him before continuing.

“I met some new friends. I met a guy. His name was James. He asked me to homecoming. Everything was perfect. I had a nice new group of friends and a guy who was head over heels for me. I really thought I had finally found my place. I had never been more wrong in my life. He kissed me that night. Then proceeded to text my friends that I was a bad kisser and that he planned on not really talking to me anymore. They thought it was hilarious,” you grimaced at the memories of your early high school years.

“Is this the James you were trying to avoid when we were out a few months ago?” He asked.

You nodded your head, “you bet. He’s not doing too well recently. Just lost his job because he was stealing from the company.”

“Serves him right,” Shawn mumbled.

“Oh, yeah,” you agreed. “But during that time, I had one friend in another friend group. She helped me through all of it. She was the one who listened to me crying in the middle of the night and responded to my depressing texts in the middle of the day. She introduced me to her friends, and it was all perfect. That friend group felt like home to me,” you paused.

“Or so you thought?” Shawn added.

“Or so I thought, exactly. She was my best friend for three years. Three whole years. It was a new record. I met Bea somewhere in the middle of that when she transferred. It was because of Bea that I found out the truth about my supposed best friend. Since day one, she had been gossiping behind my back, telling lies about me and telling people my secrets,” you said quietly. Out of all the horrid memories, this one hurt the most.

“Oh my God,” Shawn whispered.

“Bea was the one who told me. I was having a hard time with this friend, and I spent the night at Bea’s after a football game once. She asked me a question about me and one of our guy friends having feelings for each other. When I looked at her like she was crazy, that’s when we started piecing together what was going on,” you explained.

“Is that the end of it?” Shawn asked carefully.

You shrugged your shoulders, “For the most part. There was some work drama, too, with my coworker telling people things I’d complain to her about, but the thing with my old best friend was the part that definitely broke me.”

“But you trust Bea?”

“Oh, totally, but there are things that I told my old friend that I still haven’t told her,” you said with hesitation.

“Really?” Shawn said, completely shocked. “But she’s your best friend.”

“It’s not that easy. It’s the heavy shit. The stuff that keeps me up at night. I know she’d understand and love me through it, but it’s the actual saying it part that I have such a hard time doing. Anxiety and trust issues don’t pair well together”

“Wow,” Shawn said before he paused for a moment, processing everything. “You had some asshole friends.”

“The beauty of private school,” you proclaimed. “So, what about your trust issues, huh?”

“I don’t have trust issues,” he said as he gave you a look.

“Oh, yeah, sure. The international superstar that gets every bit of his personal life leaked on to the internet doesn’t have trust issues. I’ll never, ever believe that,” you said.

He shook his head with a small smile on his face.

“Alright, you got me,” he said. “But that’s also the whole story just in what you said. Everything I tell someone ends up in a tabloid. I have to be extremely careful about every damn thing I say. It gets twisted and turned into something it’s not.”

“But you tell me everything,” you pointed out as you stopped near the lookout. He turned and looked at you. He stuffed his hands in his denim jacket pockets, something he only did when he was nervous.

“Because you have trust issues,” he said quietly. “I know you’d never tell anyone because you know exactly what it’s like to have it be told. People with trust issues keep secrets the best. I trust you.”

You paused for a moment and just stared at him.

“I never thought of it that way,” you whispered after a while.

“It’s also more than that. You always seem insanely interested in everything I say. You get this look on your face,” he paused as he tried to imitate it, “when someone’s telling you a story. It’s cute.”

Your heart leaped as you turned to look at the view of the park from the top of the hill. He did the same.

“I hadn’t told anyone that story since I told Bea,” you said quietly. “I promised myself that the moment I found someone that reminded me of home, reminded me of that feeling I get when I’m with my family or Bea or Andy, I would tell them.” You didn’t look at him.

“I feel like home to you?” Shawn asked with a glint of hope in his voice. You could feel his eyes on you, but you still didn’t look at him. You just nodded your head.

“I’ve never told anyone that,” you said before finally looking at him. The sun hit his face perfectly. He was radiating.

Without saying anything more, he pulled you for a hug and held your head against his chest. You felt him press a kiss to the top of your head before resting his head on top of yours, looking at the fall colors and admiring the colors of change.

You pulled away after a moment. “Ready to head home?” You asked as you rocked forward on your toes.

“But you’re home right now,” Shawn said with a stupid smile on his face.

“Shut up,” you said as you hit his chest. He grabbed your hand before you could move it. You looked from your hand on his chest up to his face.

Before you knew it, you were both leaning in. He pressed his lips to yours as you rested your other hand on his chest and his arms wrapped tightly around your waist. His lips were smooth, and his cold nose tickled your cheek. You could feel his curls as they lightly touched your forehead. You pulled away, and he rested his forehead against yours.

“Yeah,” you finally said after a moment of silence. “That’s home.”

Shawn pulled you in for another kiss. You could feel him smile through it.

“Ok, for real now, we’re going home. I have a manuscript yelling my name,” you whispered. He nodded his head and grabbed your hand as you made your way down the hill.

“Can I take you out tonight?” He asked. “You know, on a date.”

“Unless that date is bringing me Chinese food and keeping me company while I edit, it’s going to have to be a no for tonight,” you said.

“Well, then it looks like I’m bringing you Chinese food tonight,” he said before looking down at you.

“For a superstar with trust issues, was kissing someone in the middle of the park the best idea,” you pointed out.

“Nope, that was a horrible idea. One of my worst,” you said. You could feel his hand shake a little as you brought your other hand around to grip onto his arm and squeeze it. He looked down at you again and smiled. “Totally worth it.”

Reblog! Comment! Send me a message! An ask! I need constant validation to truly thrive!

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shadowsong26fic · 5 years ago

Note

Fanfic ask: 1, 5, 11, 14 for Precipice and any other fic you feel like sharing for, 18, 27, 33, 34, 38, 41, 44, 49 (sorry for asking so many, I just really like these questions!)

Hoo boy! This’ll be fun :D

::cracks knuckles::

1) How old were you when you first starting writing fanfiction?

Ten or eleven, when I first figured out it was a Thing. (Somewhere, buried in my boxes of Old Papers, there is baby!shadowsong’s attempt at writing something involving Padme turning up at Yavin but with the serial numbers very badly filed off, before I learned it was possible to just...write fanfic, lol.

5) If you had to choose a favourite out of all of your multi chaptered stories, which would it be and why?

Oh, Lord, why must you do this to me. XD

I mean, I like all of them for different reasons? Writing Precipice is almost like coming home, I’ve been living in that AU for so long; The Devoted was delightfully self-indulgent and a fun exercise in worldbuilding and I do plan to put more in that AU at some point, I swear; These Three Remain also had some super self-indulgent bits and some sweet cuddly fluffy bits and yep; Distaff is so much fun to work with Anakin’s characterization and her (in said fic) relationship with Padme; I have some WIPs that I’m super excited to get out...even going back to old fandoms, HoTM and Cartography!Verse and The Promises of Angels and Serenissima (ish; we were posting it as a series of vignettes rather than one long novel) and For Sorrow Sung and all my AtLA fic, and...

...yeah, I’m bad at picking favorites XD

11) Have you ever amended a story due to criticisms you’ve received after posting it?

Not really? I’ve added extra notes and when I was a baby in the LOTR fandom I actually took a fic down because I got pounced on by a Canon Purist, but I...don’t usually change what I do have planned out in response to criticism? Sometimes I add in some filler/explanation, or comments inspire me to add thing, but...

I don’t plan things out in a whole lot of detail, but I do usually have a few Major Plot Points worked out, and I tend not to change them because criticism. I usually don’t go back and edit, either.

14) How did you come up with the title for the xxx? - You can ask about multiple stories.

I think I actually talked about this in detail last time I did a similar meme to this...aha, here we go: https://shadowsong26fic.tumblr.com/post/186756818127/a-and-i-for-fic-ask

18) Do you have any abandoned WIP’s? What made you abandon them?

Yep, a few. Mostly, I abandon WIPs because I drifted away or otherwise left the fandom (i.e., most of my SPN fic), or otherwise got stuck on a plot point (For Sorrow Sung, which I might rewrite, I got stuck on because I wasn’t sure how to write Roslin; Distaff has stalled because I have to do a Monster chapter next because I did some things out of order; etc., though I actually do intend to get back to Distaff at some point, and am considering rewriting For Sorrow Sung or getting back to some of my other BSG fic...). ...on that note, there are several Stalled WIPs that I don’t consider abandoned, I just get sidetracked by other things even if I intend to get back to them At Some Point (Auxiliaries, Masks, a few others.)

Also, a bunch of miscellaneous self-indulgent things that I never really intended to share outside a small circle of friends that I wander away from when my attention gets caught by a similar shiny self-indulgent thing I don’t really intend to share outside a small circle of friends...

27) Do you make a general outline for your stories or do you just go with the flow?

Moooostly go with the flow. Then again, I don’t formally outline most things, but I generally have an Idea of the Main Plot Points I’m working towards? But those are usually Super Major Things (i.e., with Precipice, when I was going into it, I had most of Arc 1 planned out ahead of time; I knew when and how Lavinia was going to be introduced; I knew most of how Rex got brought in and at least when Ahsoka came in; I knew Ahsoka was going to be Leia’s primary teacher; I knew when and how Specter was going to die; I knew that the reunion (and the attempt to kidnap Lavinia) were going to happen (though actually I was originally planning for Saw to be behind said kidnapping before realizing that didn’t make sense); I knew when Infernalis was going to be introduced and then die; and then some Spoilery Stuff for the next several arcs :)

So, yeah. I usually have a general notion of where things are going (...most of the time; I mentioned Distaff above, and I’m waffling on how I want things to end for that one...) but a loooooot of white space and things are in flux along the way.

33) What’s the biggest compliment you’ve gotten?

Honestly, probably the one I kept in my inbox to reread the most often was on The Promises of Angels--I got a very long comment about the things I’d done with both the focal character and other side characters and the way I’d handled the established lore (and places where canon had fallen short, re: ex-vessels and so on), and then saying they were going to rec it to other people. I’ve gotten other very nice comments since then, (Precipice gets a lot of comments, some of which are lovely, some of which are infuriating), but I think the reason that one sticks with me is because I worked on that fic for so long, and it was a 100k gen epic about a tertiary character who (at the time) had been dead for five seasons. So, a very niche-appeal fic, especially in a fandom that tends to be very shipping-focused, so the fact that it had that much appeal outside of my own brain meant a lot.

(Also, just...the fact that so many people have read and liked Precipice means a whole lot to me????? Was not expecting that for a long wandering genfic epic, lol. ...again, because the fandom I was most active in prior to that is very ship-focused; Star Wars tends to be more gen-friendly, at least that’s been my experience thus far.)

34) What’s the harshest criticism you’ve gotten?

Maybe not the harshest overall I’ve ever gotten, but I mentioned earlier that I took down one LOTR fic because a Canon Purist complained about it to me--I mean, it might not have actually been that mean if I were to get it now that I have a thicker skin, but I was Little Shadowsong at that point and it hurt enough for me to take the fic down, and it does kind of linger in the back of my mind as my Worst Comment Experience.

38) If you could collab with any other writer on here, who would it be? (Perhaps this question will inspire some collabs!) If you’re shy, don’t tag the blog, just name it.

...to be honest, I don’t do a lot of collaborations overall, and most of the ones I do tend to be with people I’ve been friends with/RP’d with for a Long Time.

That being said, I’m possibly open to trying? Right now I have a lot on my plate, both fic and IRL wise, over the next couple months, but if anyone’s interested, hit me up and we’ll see if we can work together!

41) What’s you favourite minor character you’ve written?

In Star Wars? Probably Bo-Katan. I really do wanna finish/start posting our faces like a mirror before the Mandalore Arc actually airs (not that I care about jossing so much, but it’d be nice to Officially lock my canon there so I can point to it if anyone does the whole ‘but canon says!’ thing at me, lol). Also, I love writing Beru, at least the way I write her in Precipice.

If we expand to other fandoms...Nick in SPN, at least before canon brought him back wrong; for BSG...well, most of the ‘minor’ characters I like are really secondary and/or Major in one arc or two--i.e., D’Anna, Gaeta, Ellen Tigh is a lot of fun; in AtLA, I personally mostly wrote major characters and OCs (though some of those were...people who had definitely Existed, but were not named or explored in canon--i.e., Lu Ten’s mother), but my primary RP/writing partner and I worked a lot with Haru and Song and Teo and the Dai Li, among others...but said partner mostly handled them.

44) What is the last line you wrote?

((With an additional line for context; also this is subject to change.))

“True,” Sabe said. “...are you sure you’re ready for this?”

“No,” Padme admitted, after a moment’s thought. “But I think if I wait much longer, I’ll...I’ll either start climbing the walls until I run out and do something righteous and half-planned and stupid, or I’ll...or I’ll never be able to figure how to start, and I’ll just...”

49) Can you remember the first fic you read? What was it about?

I cannot, sadly. But it would’ve been 15-20 years ago, and probably either Star Wars or Harry Potter. Maybe Dragonlance or DBZ or Sailor Moon.

Ask me a fanfic writer question!

#asked #answered #dedicatedfollower467

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whatarubberchicken · 6 years ago

Text

The Dress

@sinfulpapillon‘s lovely job on my commission gave me the inspiration I needed to finally finish this little piece that’s been floating around in my head.

The Dress

It started off as a joke. Messing around at Nino’s one day (his father had finally allowed him to hang out with his friends for once). He and Nino had been playing video games, while the girls gave each other makeovers in Nino’s bedroom. They’d come out, looking as hot as always, and Alya had laughingly suggested that the boys get a makeover too.

“C’mon, Adrien! You’re a model! You’re supposed to make everything look good!”

And so, laughing, he’d agreed. Laughing, he’d allowed Alya to do his hair and makeup while Marinette picked out his outfit. Laughing, he’d put it on, and let them fuss over the little details. All of them had howled with laughter when he’d strutted across the living room like a catwalk, because he’d be damned if he wasn’t going to OWN this. He even blew the girls a few kisses, (and one very special wink to Nino, who pretended to fan himself).

But he wasn’t laughing when he went back into the bedroom to change. When he finally got a good look at himself in the mirror.

He didn’t recognize himself.

In the mirror was a confident, carefree girl, gazing back at him with light and laughter still in her eyes.

The hair and the eyeliner… he could take. It was hardly the first time a makeup artist had gone to town on him, after all.

But the dress….

It was light and airy. Carefree, but still coy. Shy and sweet and fun—

He tore his eyes away from the mirror, forcing himself to remember how to breathe. Because, right now… he glanced back up at his reflection—right now, he didn’t look like his father’s son. That was no Agreste heir staring back at him. His father would have his head for even suggesting an outfit like this. That person wasn’t someone with duties, or responsibilities, or a thousand things written on a daily schedule that absolutely must be kept—

Adrien gave a short gasp and quickly covered his mouth before a whimper could escape.

Because, oh God, he wanted…. He wanted so desperately to be that person in the mirror.

He quickly took off the dress and changed back into his normal clothing. He didn’t dare look at the mirror again until after he’d washed his face. Twice.

Then, and only then, did he chance another glance. And then he felt both relief, and disappointment. Adrien Agreste was staring back at him in the mirror. Poised, and guarded, and two steps away from losing everything he cared about every freaking day and he knew it—and, damn, if it wasn’t hard keeping up appearances for so freaking long and—

Breathe, Adrien reminded himself, glancing down at the dress now laying haphazardly on his best friend’s bed.

He took another deep breath, trying to get his emotions back under control. Trying to distance himself, in a way, from that one, shining moment—

He shook his head and stood up straight, squaring his shoulders. He was an Agreste. Adrien Agreste. He had duties. Responsibilities. Dressing up had been fun for a few moments, but it could never happen again. He couldn’t allow it.

He spun around to go join his friends in the living room, not daring to look back at the dress.

……

A few days later, he was ready to rip his own hair out (despite all the objections that would cause). He couldn’t stop thinking about The Dress. He couldn’t stop thinking about his reflection in the mirror, and how badly he wanted to be that person again.

A few casual questions had revealed it was Marinette’s dress. But how to get her to let him borrow—NO! Adrien, no!! he scolded himself, shaking his head to clear it. That is not allowed! You have an image to maintain!!

“Adrien, did you not understand the homework??” he heard Miss Bustier call.

“Oh, uh, sorry, Miss Bustier,” he replied, flushing bright red, as he realized he’d shaken his head in the middle of her lecture. “I couldn’t quite hear you.”

He forced himself to pay attention as she repeated herself.

This was getting worse. He couldn’t even concentrate in class.

……

He still had mixed feelings when he approached Marinette the next day. What if she laughed at him?! What if she—God forbid—told other people about his deviant ideas?!?!

WHAT IF IT GOT BACK TO HIS FATHER?!?!?

He froze and very nearly turned around to run out of the school.

But, no. This was Marinette. She was sweet. She was kind. She’d never do anything to hurt him. He had to believe in her!

“Um, Marinette?” he asked shyly. To his surprise, she jumped almost a foot in the air, spun around and turned beet red. Oops. “Sorry,” he said quickly. “I didn’t mean to startle you.”

“Wha--?? Oh, Adrien!! Ha ha! You didn’t—you didn’t startle me!” Marinette stammered, laughing awkwardly and rubbing the back of her neck. “You’re fine! So fine!—I mean, I’m fine!! I mean, what’s up??”

“Well, you know… um,” he cleared his throat nervously. “You know that dress I tried on before?”

“Yeah?”

Keep it cool, Adrien. Keep it harmless. A joke. A prank. Nothing major.

“Well, errr… I was wondering… if I could, maybe… try it on again?” he asked quietly. Marinette blinked at him in surprise and he quickly added, “I just, I thought I could try a few more poses with it, you know? For my modelling career! I’ve never worn anything like that before—and my father will probably never let me—but sometimes the photographers want odd poses, and I thought maybe—”

“Sure,” Marinette said.

Adrien froze, mid-tirade. “Really??” he asked. She wasn’t going to question him? Or ask for explanations??

“Why not?” she shrugged easily. “It’s just hanging there in my room. That shade of green turned out to not be my color at all; makes me look jaundiced. But it really brought out your eyes before! Do you want to go try it on after school?”

“Yes!” The exclamation burst out of him before Adrien could stop it. He coughed a bit to hide his excitement. “I mean, yeah, sure,” he agreed, trying to look casual. “That’ll work.”

“Ok! See you after school!”

Adrien waved goodbye (completely missing the fact that Marinette ran into a pole while she was walking away from him). He was excited. Giddy. He was going to put The Dress on again, right after school—

CRAP! Right after school?!

He dove for his phone and texted Nathalie, worried that he might have a photoshoot he’d forgotten about. To his relief, she assured him that he didn’t.

Then, the next few minutes were spent drowning in guilt as he made up a story about doing a group project with Marinette after school. Nathalie, completely oblivious, agreed easily.

It’s for a good cause, Adrien reminded himself, as he got ready for his next class. Once I get this out of my system, I’ll be fine. I’ll be able to concentrate again. I won’t have to think about The Dress ever again. It’ll be done.

After this, everything goes back to the way it was.

………

After school, Adrien stepped out of the building and felt his stomach drop when Marinette waved to him from where she was talking with Alya.

Oh noooo, he’d forgotten to ask her to keep it all a secret!! What if she told Alya?? What if Alya decided to post pics all over the Ladyblog?!?!

“Hey, Adrien,” Alya called slyly as he drew nearer. Adrien gulped, feeling a trickle of sweat run down the back of his neck. “Marinette says you two have a ‘special project’ you’re gonna work on together... ~Alone.~”

“Al-ya,” Marinette grumbled, pushing her bestie towards Nino. “Stop it! Don’t tease him about it! I’ll send you pics later!”

“Okay!” Alya sang happily, giving them a wink before taking Nino’s hand and practically skipping away. “I’ll see you later, kitty!!”

Adrien stared after them, confused.

“Sorry about that,” Marinette sighed beside him. “She saw us talking together, and I let it slip that you were coming over. So, now she thinks you’re going to be modelling some Chat Noir merchandise that I’ve made.”

Now I’m uncomfortable on a number of levels, he thought wildly, staring at her.

“Don’t worry!” she assured him. “It’s just a scarf and a hat and maybe the jacket—we’ll see if it fits. Then we can say you left immediately afterwards.” She gave him a wink.

Adrien breathed a sigh of relief, and they headed for the bakery.

“So… you have… Chat Noir merchandise?” he couldn’t help asking.

Marinette giggled. “I have a lot of things I make in my spare time. But superhero stuff is the best way to get Alya sidetracked whenever she starts sniffing around, and you looked uncomfortable when you asked me earlier, so I assumed you didn’t want me to tell anyone else about what we’re really doing.”

The ball of tension in Adrien’s stomach uncoiled a bit. Marinette really was perceptive sometimes. “Thanks.”

She promptly tripped on her own feet. “No problem,” she laughed, grinning awkwardly.

……………

They got the pictures with the Chat Noir stuff done first. Both he and Marinette posed with different items, and Adrien could feel himself loosening up as they laughed together about some of their funnier poses. It was still a bit awkward, what with this being his alter-ego and all, but he had to admit, he felt a bit… touched.

Safer.

Marinette truly cared about him. Both in the mask and out of it. So, when she sent the last picture to Alya and brought out The Dress with a big smile on her face, he was relaxed enough to smile back.

Finally.

They both giggled a little as she shooed him into the changing area. Adrien took a deep, calming breath before he stepped out again. Marinette approached him, still smiling, and fixed a few last-minute draping issues. Then, she gestured behind him towards the mirror.

“It really does look good on you.”

Adrien turned, and this time, he couldn’t contain his squeal of glee when he saw his reflection. There she was! A bit less done-up than last time, but there was the girl he wanted to be!!

He froze as he fully-digested that last thought.

He wanted….

He wanted to be….

He looked away from the mirror, shame washing over him.

“Adrien?” he could hear Marinette ask. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” he said quietly.

“Are you sure?” she asked, sounding uneasy. “Do you want me to do your makeup and hair again?”

“No thanks.”

I…

I can’t.

I can’t be this person I want to be.

No matter how much I might want it.

It’s not allowed. I’m not allowed.

I have duties. Responsibilities. A life. And I might not want it, but it’s the one I’ve got.

No use in pretending.

No use in dreaming.

I’ll never truly be free.

“Adrien? Adrien, why are you crying? You’re beautiful!” Marinette’s voice broke through his thoughts. He felt her hand on his shoulder. Supportive. Caring.

“I just… I just…” He couldn’t stop the hot tears streaming down his face. God, he must look awful right now! And he was getting salt-water on her clothes!! Furiously, he wiped the tears away. “I can’t—I can’t! I want to… but I can’t!!”

“Can’t what?”

Poor Marinette. She sounded so confused. Here he was, having a mental breakdown in her room, and he could even tell her why!! God, get it together, Adrien!

“I CAN’T BE WHO I WANNA BE!!” he cried, before he could stop himself. He regretted the words as soon as they came out of his mouth. “I’m sorry,” he choked out, curling in on himself again. “I shouldn’t have—”

I shouldn’t have said anything. I shouldn’t have come here at all!

I SHOULDN’T EVEN BE HAVING THESE THOUGHTS!!

Most of all, I shouldn’t have burdened you with all this crap!

“I’m sorry,” was all he managed to say.

“Oh, Adrien, don’t be sorry,” Marinette said softly, drawing him into a hug. He froze, shocked at her tenderness. “You’re my friend. Of course I wanna help you!”

His body trembled. He wanted to trust her. He wanted to tell her all about these past few days. How hard it had been, suddenly so focused on how uncomfortable he was in his own skin, suddenly seeing girls in a new light—not just, ‘oh, she looks hot,’ but ‘oh man, I bet I would rock that outfit if I just changed this, this, and this…’

…and wondering what kind of person that made him.

He didn’t even know who he was anymore.

“Please don’t tell my father,” he mumbled.

“I promise,” Marinette giggled. “If I ever have a conversation with your dad, I’m going to talk his ear off about fashion, and fashion alone, until he runs away.”

That won’t take long, Adrien thought wryly.

“Now,” she said gently, touching his arm, “do you wanna talk about it?”

Sooo badly. But….

“I don’t know what to say,” he choked out. “I don’t know—I don’t know anything anymore. I’m so confused….”

“Okay, let’s take this one step at a time,” Marinette said patiently, leading him over to sit on her chaise lounge with her. “You said you couldn’t be who you wanted to be. So…,” she paused for a bit, fishing for the right words. “Do you want to change who you are completely? Or do you just want to wear dresses from time to time?”

“I don’t know,” Adrien whispered. “I don’t know.”

God, his head was spinning a hundred miles an hour. If he wasn’t himself… if he wasn’t Adrien Agreste: model, heir, dutiful son… who was he? Who could he be?

“All right then,” Marinette said, nodding. “Why don’t we take little steps? Just dresses for now. In secret. Or, did you want to go outside in it?”

I would love to go outside in it, Adrien thought, his imagination running wild. I would love to laugh and play with you guys, my friends, while feeling freer than I do as Chat Noir. Even Chat has a reputation he has to maintain. And duties to all of Paris. But, this new girl… who I want to become….

“It doesn’t… seem wrong to you?” he rasped, looking over at Marinette. “That I’m… I’m weird?”

“You’re not weird.”

“I’m a guy,” Adrien deadpanned. “Who wants to dress like a girl.” Marinette studied him silently. And, seeing himself in her eyes, Adrien finally spoke the words he’d been dreading.

“I’m a freak.”

“You’re not a freak,” Marinette said immediately.

“I am a freak!” he insisted. “Normal guys don’t want to dress up like girls!”

“Oh, what, so you’re going to be all macho now? ‘Grr, grr, I’m the man of the house, I demand meat and potatoes and I’m gonna grow my muscles out and be mean to everyone to prove how manly I am!!’” Marinette said, deepening her voice as she gave a very bad impersonation. Adrien chuckled a bit.

“That’s not what I meant and you know it.”

“Different people like different things,” she shrugged in return. “And you and I both know how easily fashion can change. So, you like dresses. So what? It’s not like it’s hurting anybody.”

“My father will probably see it as a personal attack,” Adrien muttered.

“Your father’s self-importance issues aside, is anyone really getting hurt?” Marinette asked, raising an eyebrow. “You’re still gonna be the you inside, right? Just, maybe, a little less closed-off on the outside?”

Adrien nodded weakly. “That’s what I want,” he said breathlessly.

“Well, then, baby steps,” Marinette decided, nodding and standing up. “We’ll start with dresses and work our way up as you feel more comfortable. Do you wanna tell Alya and Nino? Alya can do a killer smokey-eye.” She winked at him.

“Maybe,” he said, still feeling uneasy. “Maybe… later?”

“Sure. We’ll take this at your pace,” she agreed. She started pacing in front of him, already thinking up plans. “When we actually go out for the first time, you’re probably gonna want a wig, so we can be sure nobody notices you…but that’s not until later. Until then, would you like me to play with your hair?” she asked.

Adrien blushed at the thought of her brushing and fixing his hair. It sounded really nice.

“If… if you wouldn’t mind?”

“Oh, Adrien,” she sighed. He looked up to see her already holding a brush and giving him the biggest shit-eating grin ever. “I thought you’d never ask.”

End.

#the dress #adrien agreste #marinette dupain cheng #trans adrien #cross dressing #self-identity issues #nyah im enjoying my commissions

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the-sapphire-general · 7 years ago

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Episode Ignis (Part 3)

I’m finally uploading the last part of Episode Ignis! Man it kind of sucks too because there won’t be any FF15 DLC until 2019. I might try to save up to get the Royal update and make a new playthrough of it, but I also kind of feel like it’s redundant. Then again, new content is included, meaning more story and lore, and I could try to 100% the game. So it can’t be redundant. I’ll do it as soon as I have the money! lol In the meantime, I hope you guys liked my antics, and check out my other playthroughs! So aside from the friendly matches against Cor, Aranea, and Noctis (Episodes Gladio, Prompto, and Ignis, respectively; they will all be in one video), I guess my FF15 content is done for now. Episode Ardyn, I’m ready for you. Seriously, though?! Nothing for this year?? Episode Ravus, Episode Iris, Episode Cor, Episode Gentiana?? Those four would be cool, but it’s just wishful thinking, I guess.

Noctis hasn’t woken up after his fight against Leviathan. Sheesh, it really took a toll on him now that I look back on the story.

Good! Gladio is here!

Oh...right. Ravus...Now I’m sad again.

Gladio...? Why are you being creepy?

Ravus! Wait, Ardyn is-...Question. Did Ardyn pull off this sort of thing at Ravus by any chance?? Because that kind of reaction from Ravus makes me believe that Ardyn pulled off a similar trick. I hope Episode Ardyn shows that.

For the Gladio fangirls! *cough*Likeme*cough*.

Aaaaaand for the Ardyn fangirls! *cough*AlsolikemebutIloveArdynmorethanGladio*cough*.

And of course he brought MTs. Gotta make a dramatic entrance wherever he goes.

Crap! Iggy!

Enjoying this huh? Ardyn you jerk.

I don’t see why they added the option to change the view. I only used it I think once. I mostly left it to show Ardyn because in a previous recording, Ignis didn’t do much. Obviously.

Ardyn you son-of-a-!

I should have gotten a screenshot, but his hat flew off.

Ravus won’t take Ardyn’s shit...anymore? I’m still speculating about how he knew about Ardyn’s ability to disguise himself. Something happened, I just know it! Why am I adding this here? I’ll save that for my second post about Ardyn stuff (I’ve been sidetracked and lazy, and I apologize lol).

He’s barely fazed.

Okay maybe not. Time skip, Ravus was attacked. I’m honestly not sure who to protect at this point! Damn it! Juggling three guys, one being restrained, another being attacked, and the last one causing both incidents.

“What do you say?”

the decision: fight or be taken by Ardyn. I don’t know why I had to choose anything. The second option wasn’t even available! I thought both options would be available.

Ignis chooses to not give up.

Wrong choice, Ardyn thinks to himself.

His speech during this was beautiful.

Even Ardyn is taken aback by it.

Ignis?!

There! See? Ardyn didn’t directly attack Ignis’ eyes or whatever!...Though he was still indirectly responsible. Damn.

Damn, his screams of pain. For me it hurt to listen. Who knows how painful it must have been...?

Okay I know I’m usually a huge Ardyn fangirl, but him laughing over this made me want to slap him (similar to the time he slapped someone who I will not say because I am still upset by that).

It’s done. Ignis made the sacrifice.

Ardyn is ready to fight.

And so was I!

I went right at it! Because after dealing with Ravus somewhat pulling off a Vergil on me (by being more than twice as strong as Ignis), I wasn’t going to risk it. And of course Ardyn’s level is never shown.

I don’t know why I took this picture, but it just seemed funny. I also didn’t know where I was at the time, maybe on the ground. Ardyn shrugs because I went down easily.

But not that easily!

Oh shit!

Ardyn: Alright! Alright, I surrender.

Ardyn: *laughs* Did you really believe I am a coward?

You bastard...You sexy bastard. Screw it, I love you Ardyn!

You can see without watching the video that I was getting owned. lol

The battle continues!

I don’t know why I took a picture of this. Ignis looks like he’s aiming to kick Ardyn...

Don’t get me started on this one. It was an accident!

I think Ardyn kicked me! I don’t remember, but it looks like it. lol

Fortunately I made it. lol

Ignis...

Ravus, shut up. He did what he had to do.

Don’t worry, this is the real Gladio.

Well, now we know what happened to Ignis and how it happened.

Ten years later, before the final battle, Ignis has a final personal conversation with Noctis.

Ignis got to be there for him one last time.

One last time.

Well, the last FF15 DLC is over. This one has to be my favorite one of all the three main DLC. Ignis is my favorite out of the Chocobros, with Prompto being a close second. And yes, I did record the alternate ending. Well, endings. I accidentally got the bad ending, and to be honest, I chose Easy for the final battle against Ardyn in the alternate path! I just kept failing to beat him in Normal mode, and it was so frustrating. I just wanted the alternate ending just to show it off. So here’s the final part of Episode Ignis plus the video with the alternate endings. Once the friendly matches I mentioned in the beginning of this post are recorded, I will take a break from FF15 and continue it in the future. So in 2019, Episodes Ardyn, Luna, Aranea, and Noctis will be released. See you later.

Final Fantasy 15 Playthrough - Episode Ignis - Flames of Determination (3/3)

Final Fantasy 15 Playthrough - Episode Ignis - Alternate Endings

#final fantasy xv #ignis scientia #episode ignis

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adrianna-m-scovill · 7 years ago

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One Night (Barson fic #8)

And if anyone is bothering to keep track, yeah, it should technically be fic #7 but #7 was already in progress when I got sidetracked into this - so for the sake of my own filing, #8 it is...

This fic is posted on AO3 here

Last night I received a request from @xphile101 and @r-o-s-e-h-i-p-s for a “only one room at the inn, bed-sharing” Barson story, so I wrote this overnight, finishing a couple of hours before work this morning. The positive feedback today has made the long night totally worth and I appreciate both the challenge and the motivation.

This is rated explicit, and it’s around 5700 words. I hope you enjoy it!

“That speech you gave was incredible,” the young woman—Ruthie, according to her nametag—said as she slid a keycard across the counter. “Really, you all are making such a difference.” She looked at Benson and shook her head. “I can’t imagine how hard it must be to do what you do, every day…” Almost as an afterthought, she looked at Barba, who was standing off to Benson’s side, and added, “And you, too. I know lawyers get a bum rap, sometimes, but the things you said in there, about believing victims—you made me cry, I’m not gonna lie.”

Barba opened his mouth, but Ruthie had already turned her attention back to Benson, so he kept his silence and looked down at his phone.

“If there’s anything you need, don’t hesitate to call down,” Ruthie said, as Benson picked up the keycard and her driver’s license.

“Thank you,” the lieutenant said. “It’s been a long day, so all I need now is a quiet room and a hot shower.” From the corner of her eye, she saw Barba look up at her, but he quickly dropped his gaze back to his phone as she gathered up her things and started to turn toward him.

It had been a long day, and they’d barely arrived in time for the conference; they’d had to stow their luggage, as they hadn’t even had time to check into their rooms before taking the stage to give their joint presentation. While Benson was proud to have worked with Barba to achieve the highest conviction rate in their city, and she couldn’t deny the thrill she got from watching him work his magic on the crowd of eager listeners, she was ready to slip into her room, kick off her shoes, and relax.

She missed Noah, but she meant to enjoy a night away—in a quiet hotel room, all to herself, with no one wandering in to ask for a glass of water or complain of a bad dream. And, she wasn’t going to allow herself to feel guilty about it, either. At least, not too guilty.

She was on her phone, texting Lucy to make sure everything was going alright at home, when Barba said, “You might as well go on ahead.”

She glanced up, then back at her phone. “That’s alright, I’ll wait,” she said, as he handed his identification and card to Ruthie.

“That’s…weird,” the young woman said after a moment, tapping away at her keyboard while she frowned at the computer screen.

“Weird?” Barba repeated, and Benson could hear the carefully-controlled impatience in his voice. She looked up, sliding her phone into her pocket. “Is there a problem?” Barba asked after several moments of wordless typing.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Barba, but I don’t seem to have a reservation for you,” Ruthie said, as she slid his license and card toward him.

He looked down at the items, and Benson could see a muscle tic as he clenched his jaw. He took a breath, and said, quietly, “There must be a mistake, my assistant booked a room weeks ago. Could you check again?”

“I’m sorry, sir, there’s nothing under this name.”

Benson was tempted to laugh at the look on Barba’s face, but she managed to suppress the urge. “Surely you can just check him into another room,” she suggested, although she’d already surmised—as had Barba, of course—that the ceremonial returning-of-the-debit-card act was not a good sign.

“I’m so sorry, of course I would, but we’re all booked up because of the conference. You guys drew such a big crowd!” she added with a smile.

Benson put a hand on Barba’s arm, sensing his growing irritation, and he glanced at her. She saw him make an effort to calm himself. “You knew we were coming—didn’t anyone check to make sure we had rooms?”

Still smiling, but with a bite in her voice, Ruthie answered, “Didn’t your…assistant confirm the reservation?”

Barba opened his mouth, but Benson cut him off: “You’re certain there aren’t any other rooms available? Maybe a cancellation, or…someone checking out early? We don’t mind waiting.”

“I’m very sorry, Ms. Benson,” Ruthie said, shaking her head. “There’s nothing I can do.”

“What’s the next closest hotel?” Barba asked. His phone was in his hand, and Benson saw him calling Carmen.

“I don’t think you’ll find anything this late,” Ruthie said.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Barba, you’re not going to another hotel,” Benson said.

He lifted the phone to his ear, listening to it ring, as he glared at Benson. She glared back, even though she was still amused. He could tell that she was amused, too, which made his scowl deepen. When the call went to voicemail, he muttered under his breath, typing out a quick text to his assistant.

“Barba,” Benson said.

“I’m not going to sleep in the lobby, Liv,” he said. Then, in disbelief: “Sorry?” He held the phone up, turning the screen toward Benson. Carmen’s almost-instantaneous response to his text: I’m sorry about that. Nothing else. In spite of herself, Benson finally laughed. She couldn’t help it. The mixture of incredulity and indignation on his face was just too hilarious. “I’m going to fire her,” he said.

“No, you’re not,” she said, smiling at him.

“Too bad I can’t fire you,” he said, narrowing his eyes at her, and she laughed again, shaking her head. “Seriously, why the hell—”

“Quit being a baby,” she said, and his mouth snapped shut. “You’re not sleeping in the lobby and you’re not going to another hotel. Grab your stuff, come on.”

“I’m real sorry about this, I wish there was something I could do,” Ruthie said.

“Wish in one hand and—”

“Barba!” Benson said, suppressing the giggles threatening to bubble up within her.

Pasting a smile onto his face, he told Ruthie, with just a hint of sarcasm, “Has sido muy útil, muchas gracias,” as he gathered his things from the counter and stuffed them back into his wallet. He snatched his suitcase and briefcase from the floor and turned toward Benson. “No aprecio la risa,” he said.

She wasn’t intimidated by his frown. “And I don’t appreciate the dirty look,” she countered. “It’s not my fault Carmen forgot to book your room.”

“She didn’t forget, Carmen doesn’t forget anything,” he said, as they walked toward the elevator. “I swear, if she—Where are we going?”

“We’re going to my room—which I guess is now our room,” she answered as the elevator doors slid open. She moved aside to let people exit, and then stepped into the empty car. Barba stood in the lobby, staring in at her. “For crying out loud, Barba.”

He opened his mouth, then closed it. Rafael Barba being rendered speechless was a rare occurrence, but she was too tired to really enjoy it.

The doors started to close, and she reached out an arm to stop them. “Rafael,” she said, her irritation growing.

“Liv, I—”

“Get in,” she said.

He sighed and stepped into the elevator with his bags, glancing sideways at her as he bit his lip. She punched the button for their floor and they watched the doors close. As the elevator started moving upward, he muttered, “This is unprofessional.”

“You can sue them later,” she said.

He snorted, shaking his head, and she was glad that he was at least starting to see some humor in the situation. Her relaxing night alone had already grown more crowded; she had no desire to fill it with bickering, too. “Sorry about this, Liv,” he said, quietly.

“It’s fine,” she answered. “You think Carmen sent you here without a reservation on purpose? Why would she do that?”

“You don’t want to know,” he muttered.

“What does—” He looked at her, arching one brow, and she broke off, realization dawning. “Oh,” she said, with a flutter of something like nervousness in her stomach. She was suddenly flustered—as uncommon for her as speechlessness was for Barba.

“Like I said, sorry,” he said, as the doors opened on their floor. He held out his arm, briefcase in hand, to block the door while she stepped out with her suitcase, and then he followed her into the hallway. “Do you have the legal right to commandeer a room?”

She laughed, looking at him as they walked side by side. “I think you know the answer to that,” she said. “And if you don’t, I guess I should find myself another ADA.”

“You could,” he agreed, nodding. “Who am I to stop you from settling for second-best?”

“Oh,” she said, laughing again. “There’s that famous Rafael Barba ego.”

He grinned. “Are we or are we not here because of my conviction rate?”

She pursed her lips, tipping her head, and said, “Why am I here, then?”

Smirking, he suggested: “Moral support?”

“On second thought, feel free to sleep in the lobby,” she said, and he was chuckling when they drew up in front of the room. She pulled out her keycard and unlocked the door. As soon as she stepped inside and turned on the light, her eyes fell on the foot of bed and she felt another flutter—not nervousness, not exactly, but she didn’t want to examine it too closely—in her stomach. She walked into the room, suddenly very aware of Barba’s presence behind her in the narrow entrance. The bathroom was on the right, and she set her suitcase near the door.

She walked the rest of the way into the room and put the keycard on the counter beside the television. “Nice place,” she joked, and she heard his quiet laugh behind her.

She turned to find him looking at the bed. He cleared his throat and quickly moved toward the table, sliding his briefcase onto the shiny wood. He set his suitcase on the floor and then just stood there, looking uncertain of what was expected of him.

Benson smiled. “I’m going to take a shower,” she said. “Why don’t you find someplace to deliver, I’m starving.” She headed toward the bathroom, kicking her shoes off near the end of the bed with relief.

“What do you want?” he asked.

“Surprise me,” she said, slipping into the bathroom with her suitcase.

After she’d closed the door, she stood at the sink, looking at her reflection in the mirror. “Don’t even think about it,” she muttered, shaking her head. And she wasn’t, not really. She was doing her best to keep the traitorous thoughts away.

As she got undressed, however, she was acutely aware of his presence on the other side of one thin wall. She looked at the door; she’d left it unlocked, because there seemed to be no reason to do otherwise. There was no chance that he would barge into the room—she trusted him, but in that moment, she wasn’t sure she could trust herself because, in spite of her best intentions, she found herself wondering what could happen if he did.

She turned on the shower, and knew that he could hear the water—and knew that he was certainly, in spite of his best intentions, thinking about her being naked with just one thin wall between them. She could almost see him, glancing nervously around the room, fidgeting, unsure what to do with himself, feeling guilty for his thoughts but unable to stop them. His discomfort, even in her imagination, made her smile, and helped her relax. She stepped into the hot spray of water and drew the curtain.

As she let the water cascade over her, caressing her skin, she allowed her thoughts to stray. What difference did it make? No one would ever know but her. She would certainly never tell anyone—especially him. Besides, if she were being honest with herself, she could admit that it wasn’t the first time she’d considered such things; it was just the first time she’d done so, standing naked in the shower, while he was in the next room.

She laughed quietly, shaking her head as the steam swirled up around her. Poor Barba would turn fifty shades of red if he could read her thoughts.

* * *

She was getting dressed when she heard the knock on the door. For a moment, she thought it was the bathroom door, and she froze, one leg in her sweatpants, filled with conflicting emotions. Before she could fully sort out what she wanted—open the door, almost naked? Or not?—she realized that it was the main door. She heard Barba walk past, heard him open the door, heard him talking in a low voice—and she quickly finished getting dressed.

She swiped the steam from the mirror and did her best to towel dry her hair, but the room was like a sauna in spite of the humming ventilation fan. Her sweatpants and t-shirt were already clinging to her, so she reached over and opened the door, needing to let in some fresh air.

Still drying her hair with one hand, she pulled her suitcase out into the room; the air felt chilly against her overheated, damp skin, and she shivered. She looked up and met Barba’s eyes, and she suddenly couldn’t breathe. He was sitting in one of the chairs at the table, with a white pizza box beside him. He’d taken off his suit jacket, unbuttoned his collar and loosened his tie.

His eyes flicked down the length of her body, and she saw him swallow. She stood there, frozen, one arm raised with a towel to her hair, her pajamas clinging to her skin, and suddenly she was blushing. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d blushed in front of a man, any man, and this was Barba, for crying out loud. If he knew what she’d been thinking in the shower, if he could read her thoughts on her face, he’d be mortified.

Even so, he looked just as flustered as she felt; she took both comfort and pleasure from that.

He cleared his throat and looked away, glancing around the room. “I ordered pizza, I hope that’s alright,” he said, gesturing unnecessarily toward the box. “Sausage and mushroom.”

She found that she had to clear her throat, as well. “Sounds perfect,” she managed, lowering the towel to her side. “Thanks.”

He stood quickly, grabbing his bag. “If you don’t mind, I’m just going to—” He gestured toward the bathroom, meeting her eyes for just a moment before looking away.

“Of course, yeah,” she said, stepping aside so he could pass.

“I won’t be long,” he said. “Go ahead and eat before it gets cold.”

She watched him disappear into the bathroom and click the door closed. She let out a breath, and a little laugh, and raised the towel back to her hair. Her stomach rumbled at the thought, and scent, of pizza, but she resisted the call of food, choosing to wait until he could join her.

She sat on the foot of the bed, drying the ends of her hair, trying to convince herself not to listen for sounds of him undressing in the next room. She heard him turn on the shower, and then she couldn’t help it—she couldn’t help but imagine him in there, standing under the water as she’d done a short time ago. Naked. Wet. Hot.

She made a sound in her throat, and considered slapping herself; she deserved it.

* * *

Barba stood in the shower, silently cursing himself for thinking about the fact that Benson had, just minutes earlier, been standing completely naked in the same spot he was currently standing. He could still smell the lingering aroma of her shampoo, which she must’ve brought with her.

He hated himself for the thoughts, and he hated his body for reacting with a flush of desire. He turned and cranked the right knob, hissing in a breath as the water temperature dropped. The cold spray bit at his skin, and he clenched his jaw, accepting the punishment.

He washed himself quickly, refusing to let his hands linger in spite of the temptation; he might not be able to govern his thoughts, but there wasn’t a chance in hell that he would disrespect her—even in his own mind, even when she would never know—like that.

He washed his hair with the hotel shampoo, and was out of the shower in just a few minutes.

He normally slept in boxers, but he was thankful that he’d packed a pair of flannel pajama bottoms as a precaution—he’d slept in enough hotels with out-of-whack heating units to know that it was a good idea to come prepared. He pulled on his boxers and pajama bottoms, and a white undershirt, all the while cursing the steam pressing in on him.

He pulled the door open, dabbed on a tiny bit of cologne—he didn’t let himself think about it—and ran a comb through his wet hair. When he emerged from the bathroom with his suitcase, he found her sitting on the bed, propped against the headboard with two pillows behind her back. She had her glasses on and was reading something on her phone, but she looked up at him when he walked out. Her eyes dropped to his white shirt, translucent against his skin from the damp heat of the bathroom.

“Did you eat?” he asked.

“No, I was waiting for you,” she said.

He was touched by that, because he knew that she was hungry. “You didn’t have to do that, but thanks,” he said, walking over to the table. He flipped open the box and pulled out a slice of pizza, putting it on a napkin. He turned and handed it to her; their fingers brushed as she took it, and their eyes met.

“Thanks,” she murmured. “I called down and had them send up a bottle of wine. They owe us.”

“It’s not their fault, it’s Carmen’s,” he said with a smile.

“Even so,” she said, also smiling. “I gave them a guilt-trip. It should be here any—” There was a knock, and she raised her eyebrows. “—second,” she finished. Barba grabbed his wallet off the table and went to answer the door. When he returned a few moments later with a bottle of cheap wine held in his hands, she said, “I hope you didn’t tip them too well for that.”

“Don’t worry, I gave him a dirty look while I paid him,” Barba answered as he pulled the wrapping from one of the clear plastic cups beside the ice bucket. “Do you want me to go get ice for this?”

“Is it cold?”

“Not remotely,” he answered.

She wrinkled her nose. “Lukewarm, cheap wine? Sounds perfect. Fill the cup.”

Grinning, he did as she bid, and handed her the drink.

He poured himself half a cup and sat at the table, taking out a second slice of pizza. “Everything good with Noah and Lucy?” he asked before taking a bite.

She met his eyes, smiling. She wanted to thank him for asking, but it was unnecessary; he knew what it meant to her. “Yes, she’s just putting him to bed.”

He picked up his watch from the table, checking the time. “I didn’t realize it was that late already,” he said.

She laughed. “He’s five, he goes to bed pretty early,” she said. “Don’t worry, you don’t have to, yet.”

He looked up and their eyes met again. “Early or not, I could sleep,” he said. “Like you said, it’s been a long day.”

She turned her attention to her pizza. “Me, too,” she said, taking another bite before she could say anything else.

He seemed to be debating whether or not to say something. She washed down the pizza with a mouthful of wine, waiting, not looking at him. Finally, he said, “Obviously, I’ll sleep on the floor.”

She laughed, turning her head toward him. “Obviously, you won’t,” she countered. She watched him fidget for a moment. “Don’t be ridiculous, Rafa,” she finally said, quietly. “We’re adults. We’re friends. There’s no reason this needs to be awkward.” No reason, so long as you don’t guess what I’ve been thinking, she thought.

He considered, looking at his pizza, and she thought she could see a flush darkening his cheeks. Was he blushing, now? Why were they acting like a couple of teenagers?

She reached over and picked up the remote control from the nightstand. “Come sit on the bed,” she told him. “Let’s watch something.”

“Liv,” he said, and she met his eyes. He chewed his lip for a moment, a small frown on his forehead. “You know I didn’t…I mean, I wouldn’t have—”

“Of course not,” she said. “We wouldn’t be here if I didn’t trust you—if we didn’t trust each other.”

They stared at each other. They both knew that she wasn’t just talking about the room, or about sharing a bed. She meant all of it: the convention, the presentation, the conviction rate, the years of cases they’d worked together. They’d laughed together; they’d cried together; they’d been angry together, and they’d been angry with each other; they’d supported and defended each other, and they’d snapped at each other. Through it all, they’d always trusted each other, and she didn’t think anything would ever change that.

“Do you want more?” he asked, pointing a finger toward the pizza.

She shook her head. She’d been hungry, but after one slice, she was more tired than anything else. He’d finished his, and held out a hand for her napkin. She gave it to him with a smile, watching him toss it in the garbage can. “Here, find something good,” she said, setting the remote on the bedspread. “I’m going to brush my teeth before I fall asleep.” She swallowed the last of her wine and, setting the cup on the nightstand, slipped off the bed and went into the bathroom.

When she returned a few minutes later, he was sitting on the end of the bed, remote held loosely between his knees, watching the news. “There’s a movie starting in a couple of minutes,” he said. “I’ll be right back.” He stood, grabbing the toothbrush and paste that he’d retrieved from his luggage in her absence.

She pulled the covers back and slid into the bed. The sheets were cool and slippery, and she already knew that she’d be sleeping before long. She would likely be up early, or even in the middle of the night, but she didn’t care. She propped herself against her pillow and pulled the covers up to her waist before turning down the blankets on the other side of the bed.

Barba came out of the bathroom and looked at the turned-down comforter. The movie had started, but she had the volume turned low. Barba glanced at the television and walked around the bed, without looking at Benson. She wondered if he was going to balk, but he didn’t. He sat on the edge of the bed, swung his legs up, and pulled the covers over his waist.

She could smell his cologne, and his toothpaste, mingled with the scent of pizza, and she wanted to shift closer to him. She resisted the urge, not wanting to make him uncomfortable. She turned the volume up a bit so they could better hear the movie.

As they sat side by side, watching TV, she felt her tension sliding away. They’d always enjoyed each other’s company, and had spent more time together over the years than she could even begin to tally. It was ridiculous to feel awkward around one another, no matter what inappropriate things they may have considered.

By the time the movie was half over, Benson was drowsy and barely able to keep her eyes open. She’d relaxed against her pillows; Barba’s scent was no longer distracting, but comforting. His warmth beside her was soothing. She could defend herself, of course, but having him beside her made her feel safe, protected. She knew that nothing was going to happen between them, and that was a comfort, too, because it allowed her to let go of her nervousness.

He might want her; he did want her, just as she wanted him. She knew it, she could sense it. But he would do nothing to act on that desire, and she could sense him relaxing beside her, too, giving in to the comfort of the bed and the sense of companionship.

She yawned. “You can finish the movie if you want,” she said. “It won’t bother me, but I’m gonna—”

“Yeah, no, I’ll shut it off,” he said, grabbing the remote. Once the screen went black, darkness surrounded them. They sat for a few moments, listening to their breaths and the sounds of the hotel. She thought he was going to say something else, but he didn’t.

She shifted further down in the bed, the crisp sheets whispering against the skin of her legs. “Goodnight, Rafa,” she said, quietly.

After a few seconds, he answered, “Goodnight, Liv.”

She rolled onto her side with her back to him, fluffing the pillow beneath her head. She stared at the wall, as her eyes adjusted to the dark. After a few more seconds, she felt him shifting, and she knew that he’d turned onto his side, facing her. They weren’t touching, but she felt his presence along the length of her body. She closed her eyes, relaxing into the sensation, and she heard him let out a quiet breath.

She slid quickly and easily into sleep.

* * *

When she woke, she was lying on her back. The room was dark, but she could see by the pale glow of the city beyond the curtain. She stared up at the ceiling, listening to Barba’s even breathing and the tick of the alarm clock. It was just before one a.m. and everything else seemed quiet.

He was still on his side, curled toward her, and their legs were touching beneath the blanket. She turned her head on the pillow, looking at him in the dimness, and suddenly—maybe it because she was half-asleep, and he looked both peaceful and vulnerable, or maybe it was just because her mind was tired of denying the truth—she knew that she had never loved anyone the way she loved him. It wasn’t bigger, or flashier; quite the opposite, her love for him was subtle. It colored everything, filled and affected everything, and it was as much a part of her as breathing. She couldn’t even say for sure when it had happened. The progression had been gradual, natural, borne of respect and friendship and trust.

His breathing changed and, after a moment, his eyes opened, meeting hers. She smiled in the dim light.

“Sorry,” she whispered. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“I could hear you thinking,” he murmured, and she saw his lips curve into a smile. He adjusted his head on his pillow, watching her.

She turned onto her side so that they were facing each other. Their legs were still touching, their feet together between the sheets. Their gazes, bright in the darkness, held. She was tempted to tell him that she loved him, but she knew that he knew. Just as she knew that he loved her; she could feel it in his breath, see it in his eyes. She could feel it surrounding her.

She slid her hand onto the mattress between them, and he covered it with his own. The warmth of his palm sent a little shiver through her, and she shifted closer. Something had changed, and they both knew it; even so, she knew he wouldn’t make the first move.

She lifted her other hand, pressing her palm against his chest, feeling the steady thud of his heart and the heat of his body. His lips were parted, and she leaned closer, searching his face. She kissed him, softly, her lips barely touching his. His hand tightened over hers on the bed, and his mouth opened to hers. Still, she kept the kiss light, relishing the softness of his lips and the way their breaths mingled together.

She could feel his heart, faster now, beneath her hand. Her belly was tight with desire, and she shifted closer, wanting—needing—to touch more of him. His hand left hers and settled lightly onto the curve of her hip, and when she deepened the kiss, his tongue met hers.

He shifted his legs and she pressed herself against his body. He slid his other hand between her neck and the pillow, curving his fingers into the tangles of her hair, pulling her mouth more firmly against his. Their movements were slow—not restrained, but gentle. Desire was burning within her, though, and she could feel his growing arousal. She wanted more of him.

He pulled his mouth from hers and leaned his head forward, pressing a kiss against her shoulder. She saw him smile at the shiver that passed through her. She took hold of his shirt and pulled herself closer, tucking her head under his chin, breathing in his scent. He kissed her head, wrapping his arms around her, hugging her against his body, and they stayed like that for a minute, their hearts beating together.

When she lifted her head to kiss him again, she slid her hand to his waist, loving the way his muscles tensed. She pushed his shirt up, letting her fingers play over his skin, and his breath caught. She wanted him, and she knew that he knew it. There was no need to say it aloud—and yet, she wanted to make sure he had no reason to doubt, either himself or her.

“Make love to me?” she murmured against his lips, and his hand was light against her cheek.

“I don’t have protection,” he said, his words a soft caress.

“It’s alright,” she answered.

He pulled back to look at her face. “Are you sure?” he asked, quietly.

She’d never been more sure. She also knew that, no matter what the sunrise might bring, she wouldn’t regret this. Not ever. “Yes,” she said.

He studied her for a few more seconds before leaning forward. He kissed her forehead, her nose, her cheeks, her jaw, he bent his head and nuzzled her throat, gently pushing her onto her back. He trailed kisses over her chest, sliding lower as he pulled her shirt up, his mouth hot and damp against her belly. She squirmed, shifting her legs, filled with an anticipation that was almost painful.

He nudged her thighs apart, hooking his fingers into the elastic waistband of her sweats to slip them down her hips. She felt the cool air against her skin and realized that he pushed the covers down to her ankles. He pressed his lips against her lower belly, and she tipped her head into the pillow. One of her hands was in his hair.

She felt his breath between her legs, and her own breath caught in her throat. He pulled her pants further down her thighs, the movement so slow and smooth that she barely noticed. He pushed her knees further apart, and then his fingers were slowly, carefully, sliding into her, and she gasped, her hand tightening in his hair. A moment later, she felt his hot breath, and then his mouth, and she arched against him, making a sound in her throat.

His tongue flicked across her clitoris, and she said his name, arching toward him. He slid his fingers further inside of her, curving them forward as he sucked gently, and she could already feel her orgasm building, gathering like storm clouds within her. She wanted to hold out, to wait—she wanted to feel him inside of her—but he had other plans.

He pressed his palm against her stomach, holding her against the mattress as she tried to arch her back, and with a few flicks of his fingers and tongue, the orgasm was crashing over her, and she called out his name as she writhed beneath his strong grip.

He withdrew his fingers and lifted his head as the shudders were still wracking her body, and he moved over her, finding her mouth with his. She could taste herself on his lips. She could feel his erection, straining against the layers of fabric. She reached between their bodies with shaky fingers and pushed his pants and boxers down his hips while he kissed her. Their legs were tangled together in a mess of blankets and pajamas, but it didn’t matter. His hand was between her thighs, and then he was positioning himself.

“Rafael,” she said against his mouth, because she could think of nothing else to say.

He moved his lips to her ear and whispered, “I love you, Liv.”

“I know,” she said, and then he was pushing into her, slowly. She wanted to wrap her legs around him, drawing him deeper, but she couldn’t; her legs were immobilized, spread just wide enough to give him access.

He covered her mouth with his, again, as he found a rhythm, sliding in and out, and then his thumb had found her most sensitive spot, and she cried out, the sound muffled by his kiss. She could feel herself hurtling toward a second climax, and she met him thrust for thrust, knowing that he wouldn’t be far behind her.

The second orgasm was stronger than the first, and after a few more flicks of his thumb, he withdrew his hand, plunging into her one last time. She felt him coming inside of her and she held onto his head, keeping his mouth on hers even though neither of them could breathe.

As their tremors lessened, he pulled himself from her and rolled onto his side, gathering her into his arms. They were still almost fully-clothed, their pajamas stuck to their sweaty skin. She tucked her head against his chest, her cheek resting on his arm, and he kissed her head again.

“I love you,” she murmured.

His arms tightened around her. She could hear the smile in his voice when he answered, softly, “I know.”

#Barson #SVU #SVU fanfiction #Rafael Barba #Olivia Benson #Bed-sharing #fic request #AO3

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actuallyadhd · 7 years ago

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I have ADHD. it's bad. very bad. as a child I was the weird, loud kid. my teachers hated me. I got bad grades. no one would help me. I'm an adult now. still have it. I've avoided college for fear of failure, and my bad grades on top of that. so I've gone from job to job, often getting fired or having to leave. I've finally found a great, cushy job that I love. I'm at risk of losing it. I'm late. I forget shifts. I get off task. I fail. what can I do? please help me

Okay, my first thing is that if you are not formally diagnosed, it is high time you look into doing that so you can start working to find the right medication and access other ADHD-specific assistance like ADHD coaching.

For the job, in the short-term (and possibly the long-term):

Talk to your boss and explain that you realize you are having these issues. Tell them that you are working to deal with the problems, and that you hope you can ask for their input/assistance as you work through this.

For lateness, you need to figure out why you’re late. It used to take me an hour to get out of the house, no matter how prepared I was to leave, because I kept getting distracted and puttered around and stuff (my dad does the same thing). So I wound up setting an alarm for an hour before I had to leave and another for when I should be out the door. I also allowed at least half an hour travel time (for driving places). Mornings were hard because I was trying to start some laundry before I left, so I reassessed my routine, streamlined it by doing laundry in the evenings and reorganizing my clothes so I didn’t have to think about what to wear, and I was able to be on time.

For forgetting shifts, you need to come up with some kind of calendar system that will work for you. For some people, this means putting all shifts into their phone calendar (with reminders) immediately. For others, it means writing them on a wall calendar. Other people just post a printed copy of their schedule on the fridge and cross days off as they go. Whatever works for you, you do need to be consistent. I would add checking the posted schedule at work before you leave every day, to make sure you know when your next shift is so you can make sure you have it right in your phone or on your calendar at home or whatever.

For staying on task, the absolute best thing is to have a checklist. Heck, have more than one checklist. I used to make one each week of the regular tasks I needed to do each day, and then I added in work projects as they were assigned. This helped me remember what I needed to do each day and each week, and whenever I started to get sidetracked I could look at the list to remember what I was supposed to be doing.

Followers, do you have any other suggestions?

-J

#Anonymous #ADHD #Actually ADHD #asks #work #being on time #schedules #getting things done

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hanzi83 · 7 years ago

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A Very Lengthy But Important Read Because of the Harassment Going On

It feels like the blogs I write are few and far in between and when I actually do it pretty much has been the same sob story with maybe a few highlighted new points that I may or may not make. It normally starts out with the intention of trying to proclaim something great like I am going to spew some grand truth about the world, but then I get sidetracked and then it all falls apart, and by the time it ends it is basically me trying to put together a bunch of random thoughts that have been floating in my head, but not knowing how to pace myself, and by the way I am writing this shit, it feels like it already heading that way right now.

It feels like the more I increase my medication or change it up a bit, the ploys and tactics reach a new level of aggression towards me, and because no one can see the beneath the surface nuances that exist, it just comes across as me being someone who just screams at the clouds while balling up his fist ready to bitch about it more on social media and since there is no concrete evidence that exist to match any of the “delusional” theories, it makes me look worse, and if I don’t say anything, they can just do it and no one will know any better or none of them will even say that this stuff goes on, because these same people in all these industries and institutions will speak about “corruption” within a limited capacity, but will never disclose that they partake in these situations to fuck with people online and their goal is to make them more suicidal.

After being banned from the Howard Stern Show in 2016, it became an open door for people in my life or random strangers online to make it seem like wanting to collaborate was out of the goodness out of their heart, and not because they know that someday there will be vindication of some sort, and their best bet is for me to feel even more insecure and just pretend people being nice to me are people who genuinely care for my mental health or well being, and it feels like they have chosen to come into my life at the right time before something is revealed and exposed. And I already discussed ad nauseam about what has happened personally with people I know, and now it seems more and more is done, when it comes to hacking my credit card, hacking my phone and playing stuff in my music apps, just small stuff to drive me crazy subtly, not to mention the overly obvious taking me out to places for a scheduled appearance, while people who are fans of mine are not allowed approaching me, because we can’t make me feel like I am kind of known at all. People only take me out for the perks they get from the system, since behind the scenes we operate on point system, which is why everyone is constantly on social media, especially when they claim they are working. Most of these people’s office jobs can be done with bots online and then the real person is on different message boards and harassing people because they are paid to. By the way, this is just all my theory by the way, again no evidence whatsoever, even though there are articles in legitimate sources talking about how government agencies have been doing this to monitor social media and starting arguments online.

Now being outspoken about system narratives and the powers that be, I have become a target. So much so, people started harassing me and posting pictures of stuff that was never posted on social media is supposed to make think that people I know personally are partaking in this, or the powers that be are forcing them to do this. People I know have utter hatred for me on a deep seated level and still hate that I have not reached out to them on some level because they want me to come crawling to them while I seem to be out of luck and still looking very pathetic in the process, but they know the change will eventually come, so these people from a particular show have approached me. I always suspect these people who approach me to come on their shows and partake are always agents of Stern in some capacity, because when you have made it that big, you are allowed access to controlling stuff from behind the scenes, and because ad nauseam I have pointed out that I believe Stern has connections to people in top level positions, even if he is not relevant in pop culture, does not mean he doesn’t have any connections, he was such a rebel that the system allowed him to continue making a living when he was supposed to be some kind of threat right? So now that he knows his time is almost up, I believe he has certain factions online who he has do his dirty work, and some of these people are funded, and then they pretend to look like they are just regular people who are struggling with something so they can relate. This one particular show that I have been sitting in on and bringing the funny and bringing the most interesting content, after months of begging me, has lied from the get go about his agenda and motives. I am glad I never fully believed him and I used that platform as practice to get my comedy chops going and actually trying to move a show along.

The recruitment process was amazing too, because first I suspected he started out as one of those anonymous trolls that were continuously harassing me and posting about me on Reddit after I explicitly told them not to, and kept misrepresenting the title, and then when this guy, who I think was the original troll doing this, showed up to my platform to get me to be on his show, he lured me in with conspiracy talk and we can talk about wrestling, yet all we talk about is Stern Show, when this guy has supposedly been shut down for playing his content on You Tube, and even if I think he is in cahoots with other scum bags I have no interest in being associated with, he created a fake feud with them, and to show proof that there is a feud, there are real lawsuits going on, or probably made up ones or some type of bullshit to make me think he is also a target, but at the same time, this dude who is getting screwed over by the show supposedly, still defends the tactics that I claim he uses or the shadiness that he was involved in, he is one of those people that are dying on the hill of “Howard is too PC” now crowds, which are the faulty crowds, because those people, I feel, are on Stern’s side and it is to make him seem like he is some leftist, when he is actually a republican and a Trump supporter, even though he claims he voted for Hilary, which is still bad to me because they are both warmonger corporatists, but since pointing it out, there has been more shit going on. The more this show continues on this platform, the more I become suspicious of all the characters on the show, whether it be some know it all republican woman who thinks she is actually talented, trying to convince me to do a conspiracy show, and tried to relate to me by stating she hasn’t had sex in a long time and that she suffers from depression, yet doesn’t seem to know a thing about it, and I guess I was supposed to be manipulated like most of the freaks on the Stern Show by saying “Oh my god, a hot chick who is depressed and also wants to talk about conspiracies, she is just like me, because she hasn’t even had sex in a long time” I never really believed her, and judging by her republican type of views, which she denies by the way, because most of the shadier ones always claim they are Libertarian for some reason, and when I call her out on her racist bullshit, she pretends people who were calling her out on it were being bullies. Her reasoning of not being racist is that she has friends of different ethnic backgrounds, so I guess problem solved.

The host of the show, as an Asian, always has this tendency to defend the white supremacist system that is in play and limits his perspective on race by claiming that if you talk about race all the time, you are a racist. And I don’t know if he feels that way, but he is clearly aiming for an alt right type of audience, especially with his willingness to bring one of those types on his show. So I start thinking about if I want to be a part of it, but the interviews with webcam girls, that aren’t the most interesting to begin with gets old and it seems more and more like he is trying to become Howard Stern, even overhyping his own numbers, wearing sunglasses indoors, having a gaggle of freaks to the side to treat like shit to some extent, but not me though, because at every turn where he tried to bust my balls I would outshine him with so much wit he would not know how to react. This guy and this chick would always deny being associated with the show, but because I feel the Stern Show people would not really allow access to other whack packers or former staffers etc, they would do so if these people were allowed. The chick for goodness sakes was in charge of High Pitch Erik’s live You Tube stream. Howard, in my opinion, would never allow anyone to profit off the Whack Pack unless he gave them their blessing, whether it is directly or indirectly.

I questioned her more and more, and the more I showed that I did not believe she is being honest about who she is associated with or who she is connected to, then she would message me and there would be admission more and more everyday and little by little. She claimed my theories about showbiz are insane and very much wrong, but then subtly lets it slip she has celebrity friends, which right there is a giveaway, because if she is associated with those types of people, of course she would not disclose what really happens, then she reveals she applied for a job with the show, and to me, once you are approaching the show, they won’t directly hire you on their show, but they will allow you to function and succeed by being loosely affiliated but never acknowledged, so right there it felt suspicious.

I was doing 5 hour shows with these people, the people they have on there were becoming increasingly annoying. It feels like they are pretending to be peaceful, by using a newer regular caller that calls into the show, and I am trying to warn him about how insane he will go by letting people and the show itself to use him, and then throw him to the side. It is amazing because he sounds as naïve as I did back in 2007 and 2008 with just being happy about being a caller on the show and not expecting much out of it, then with Wendy the Slow Adult, they seem to be helping her, but it feels like when you are associated with the show in any aspect, people will pretend they want to help you while getting their use out of you and I feel they are doing that with her as well, and because she is a friendly person and might not be as aware of these subtleties, I mean for someone who is not operating at her full faculties, she sure as hell a lot more productive than I could ever be, so maybe she should be feeling sorry for me.

As more arguments arise, it comes across like this particular host is trying his best to make people have meltdowns on his show or get people to debate, so he sends webcam girls to start political fights with me so I can go on and start with me, and you can tell it was a ploy because when I gave legit arguments back, she didn’t have any retorts, it was like she was told to, and the more I am calling him out on it, the more he gets a little frustrated, but he pretends that he isn’t upset, but will still do these tactics, and will shit on any ideas I have or any topics I want to discuss, but then gets upset if I do my own thing on my own Face Book Live or on my own Periscope. It was becoming annoying, and now I decided to take a break from the show, as well as another chick that is on, that they enjoy having her meltdown, and because she is more liberal, but still uses foul and vile language at anyone who fucks with her or says disrespectful, she suddenly becomes the problem. A bunch of those chicks on there, the host is trying way too hard to get me set up with them, it is like they want to record me or set me up for something so it can become content on his show. So after that chick and I had enough of the bullshit, the host and the republican chick get upset and start playing the meltdown she has, while not disclosing what kind of creepy shit he says to her and others, and then he just shows her messages, and my argument was if she was talking shit about me and others, obviously she felt comfortable about it, and when people in his chat told him to show his side of the chat, he picked and chose carefully which shit he wanted to show, so it would limit his incrimination in anything that would make him look guilty for talking shit.

As soon as the chick he is accusing to do all of this, she retorts on my platform about him not being able to see his kids, and describing the content of his character, and I don’t know the full story but because he was trying to create dissention about this entire thing and hating that I was doing my own thing on my platform, I said he should focus on being a better dad, and whenever you question the character of people who are supposed to be parents they start thinking you are making fun of the kids themselves, and it gets ugly because people in the chats are starting shit by saying that I am threatening his kids, which I did not do, and he loses it, and the real version came out, like he stated “You want to see the real me” like he never stated that the person I was talking to previously who was peaceful and trying to get me on his show wasn’t the real version. He threatens me and says he will make my life a living hell, and that with what he is going to do will try to make me kill myself. I call it out and say that this is what he is really about, and it kind of made him expose himself to his own detriment, because after crying about his circumstance with his kids, I felt bad, but I still didn’t feel bad that I didn’t trust him completely and I think he has been behind making my life hell, and has been promised perks. He claims he was broke, but the chick who was at odds with him asked him to buy her a new nose for 9400 dollars, and they can play it off like a joke, but obviously there was some sugar daddy type of bullshit going on. I can only assume, I don’t know for sure.

I even went at the republican chick because she hates the other chick who was at odds with the host, and they have fought nonstop on the show so many times with cheap shots being thrown out by each of them, and the republican chick always acts like she is innocent, while I believe she organizes accounts in the chat, and helps up the numbers a bit, and she does that shit to me as well, and then always denies it, and thinks because she yells in this pretentious vocal fry tone that she is somehow telling the truth and because I eluded that she probably fucked a bunch of people from the show, and I don’t know that, but I feel like that show, much like the rest of showbiz, only allow these females this kind of access if they do special things for them, so it wouldn’t surprise me, and I never said I knew for sure, but it was more of way to get her out of my platform because she would always show up, which she denies, but there is proof from other people who were present as well, she accuses me on twitter of sexually harassing her, and for someone who was shitting on feminists and claiming some of them exaggerate, she says spreading this rumor about her is sexual harassment, when it was me merely saying I don’t believe she was telling the truth about not having sex in a while a way to relate to me and then manipulate me, There are a fair share of chicks who are deranged who loved to inject themselves in the Stern Show world and befriend the freaks, and you really think any chick who is kind of attractive, would actually be attracted or want to communicate with someone who is a psycho and pathetic, She tells me that I am psycho and not that important, yet she tried so hard to get me to believe her lies, and always showed up at my platforms, and then she denies it. She is truly fucking psychotic.

She dialed it back, but I draw the line at the accusation of sexual harassment. I don’t want to ever talk to anyone who has accused me of that when she is the one targeting me for harassment and in my opinion sent by the Stern Show to fuck with me, and it is a ploy to get me back on the Stern Show, or get me back on this other dudes show so the cycle of arguing will continue, and even though this guy said he didn’t mean his threats etc, and took it back and also deleted the video which it contained, now he is saying he is cool with me, and maybe that is true, but it could also mean he had to cover his ass for insinuating he was going to make my week a living hell and his goal of making me want to kill myself.

By the way, it started off with me not being allowed to call the wrestling show that I normally call into, and I enjoy it and have provided entertainment on that show with some well thought out hot takes, but because ex wrestler and co-host of the show Bully Ray is a fan of the Stern Show he has been giving me a hard time since he started, but it dialed back where we got a long to some degree, but because he has these right wing views, or maybe that is another work since these wrestlers are always figuring out ways to dupe us even in real life, but I noticed because I have been sleeping on the air, which could have been avoided, because the producer always checks with me to see if I am there and when they will go to me next, yet they let it go to my sleeping countless times, while pretending they are upset by it while continuing to allow it on their airwaves and made it into a bit, and I guess the ramifications being a name change was necessary, it didn’t work and it seemed like they wanted to ban me altogether, while one of the co-hosts went to bat for me seemingly. When I was asleep, Bully does goes off on how they should ban me like Stern banned me, and before he pretended like he never knew of me. People warned me when he came to that show, that he was advised by Stern’s employees to give me a hard time, don’t know if that was true, but since I have been entertaining on that show, they had to find a way to ban me from all the Sirius shows.

It isn’t a coincidence this has happened during this past weekend, and it shows that guy who’s show I was going on, has pull but he is denying it, even though he very much told me he did and he was going to get me to kill myself, and now they show up on my platforms with people in my family’s names, and or even post pictures that hasn’t been on social media. They are really trying to fuck with me and ruin my life. No media outlet will ever report on the type of harassment I am being targeted with because even they are controlled and can only do it when they are given permission to. It should be worth noting that these same people from this new show I have been on also organize on Discord, which has been revealed to be in news reports, to be where these hackers meet up to discuss how to up the numbers and plot how to fuck with people, and the host of the show I have been on always tells me to get on discord or some shit. These people are very shady and it is becoming fucking clear that these people are disturbed, They won’t allow me to just be on my own, and even my own friends and family have made deals with the devil and fuck with me on fake accounts, and then in front of my face they just embrace me. I don’t believe a god thing any of them say.

They limit me from talking or letting me get on stage to do comedy, and I am sure because I haven’t let them by my side while I try to shine, they will organize harassment when I am up on stage, and all the while injecting someone else in that world so they can latch on to him, like it was a last resort, because I didn’t cosign other people who I didn’t want to be close with again. It is all politics, and if you don’t believe there is organized ways for who gets to shine and when the can shine, and how much they can shine, then you can believe what you want, but I can sense this, and it has become a lot more clear in what is taking place. These people do this to a lot of other people, who have committed suicide, or they are so beaten down in life, they can muster up the courage to say something because the online ridicule is so organized it is not even fucking funny.

Okay now the update to this.

Now I wrote this first bit a couple of days ago, and I resisted posting it because maybe it would be a lot more peaceful, and it did end up being a lot more peaceful. The guy who said he was upset about what I said about his parenting, and while he was goading me into saying he wanted me to kill myself by causing a riff between me and some other chick, by showing her private messages of talking about me, out of irrational anger, I said “No I won’t kill myself, but your kids will probably do it when they find out their father is not shit” and then even saying I would raise them if I ever got my shit together, permitting that I do, but I won’t, and after he claimed he saw this periscope session, which is still up by the way, I don’t hide behind my irrational rants and admit when I am being pushed into saying fucked up shit, I go to that level, and it makes me feel horrible, because I don’t like going to that rant, he is starting to play it back and say that he has a reason to be relentless. He has been tempting me to come back to his platform, and because I am doing my own thing, he is using tactics of some sorts by sending people towards me, I presume, to tell me that he and others on his show think I am trolling, and it feels like a way to see the comments so I can see what these trolls are saying which is leading to them to believe it is me. Even though I was getting a lot more viewers, and have a lot of social media followers, he keeps insisting that he helped me get viewers on my platform. I admit I don’t have the most all the time, but on my own I have garnered a viewing larger, and his highest viewed show featured me on it and now he is claiming he was always bored with conspiracy talk, and this is how he lured me into coming into his show, and also with wrestling. So now after he told that chick who said me ranting about me not buying into her games, and trying to relate to me, I said irrationally she should be honest, that she fucked someone from the Stern Show, and even though I used it as an insult towards her, it is more representation of the system because in my opinion they don’t allow females to associated with their crew unless they do something sexually. It wasn’t about spreading rumors about her, but her telling me she is suffering from depression and that she hadn’t had sex in a long time to relate to me, because to me, she figured she could suck up to people with Z list notoriety and latch on to them, because once you have been in the system, you are valuable to anyone associated with you.

I just want to be done with this. I want to do my own thing, and not worry about these people, but they are going to get their revenge, after he threatened to get my week to be fucked up and drive me to suicide, he deletes his scopes, and then claims he wants to be cool and this was a bit in some ways, and it is not, yet he keeps calling me delusional, while he is drinking nonstop in his motel and getting angry because I am not getting angrier, and he is trying to push me to suicide and lose my mind. He wants me to snap even more because he is mentioning me constantly, and keeps saying that I need him, and that he is going to make my life a living hell. I blocked him from Face Book, Twitter, and now Periscope. He will not stop harassing me or sending his trolls to fuck with me. And I bet if I had gone back on his show this week, he would have stopped doing whatever he is doing. He is upset because people saw through his fake friendship that he was extending, while he talked shit about me all the time, and tried to organize meltdowns because he wants to be like Stern so fucking badly.

I have plenty of witnesses from old shows where he wanted me on and he was constantly courting me nonstop to be on his show, and then claims I am a pain in the ass. I admit I am, and I was willing to just take a break from this platform for a temporary hiatus, but now that he is throwing these jabs constantly and getting me to lose my mind, after he said he would try to get me to kill myself and that he will be this evil troll, he then covered his ass by pretending he forgave me, but then because I won’t go back on his show, he is getting even more upset. I am sick of people who pretend they are nice, and make it seem like they are in the calm, but then they are simultaneously on their platforms talking shit, and now they are spinning it like I am out of control. They are doing their best Howard Stern impression, but this dude is even more delusional than me. He claims he is the King of All Social Media, and I have 20 times more followers than this guy, and I am pretty useless and irrelevant, and it is so obvious that he is connected to the show in some regard, and I am betting that he was told that if he could keep me on his platform until some kind point, there will be some reward, and because it didn’t happen, he is taking his anger out on me nonstop, it is becoming scary.

I am putting this out there because he will just keep denying whatever he did and what he is doing, and listen I apologized for what I said about his kids, and he knew what he was doing when he was pushing me mentally, because these people want me to do something to myself or threaten them, and instead of doing that I will say something vile. I always put the disclaimer most of the time that stuff I am claiming is not necessarily true and that you should not believe a delusional piece of shit. No one believes that chick fucked a whack packer, and it was wrong for me to assume, but I feel she is lying to me, and she even offered for me to stay at her place if I was ever in New York, and she was sucking up to me about wanting to do a show with me, and every time I called her out about not being honest in who she was connected with, she would add more to the story that she was hiding, she went from just being a regular chick, and then admitting she was a part of Hollywood because she dated someone, and then she admitted she tried getting a job with the show, and then she somehow ends up doing a 24/7 stream of one of the most prominent whack packers.

I want to ignore these people and they can ignore me. I want to do my own thing. I wish them all the fucking luck, but this dude needs to put down the whine, because he is losing it even more than I am. At least I feel horrible for what I say when I say these evil things, he doesn’t have any remorse, and he is enjoying fucking with me on different levels after he threatened he would do it and make my life a living hell. Now look what he is doing. This guy I have suspected with trolling me and saying they are watching me 24/7. I wish they just end up killing me then, this will never fucking be over, and it is clear they want me to do this.

#Hanzi 2018 Illuminati Conspiracy Podcast Show Accusations Harassment Irrational Anger Rants Periscope Secrecy Shady Lies Truth Howard Stern #Show Stalking Blocking Social Media Lurking Luring Drive to Suicide Agent Government

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