#i keep distancing myself from others but im so lonely and idk what to say. please like me please love me

[solaaresque]

.

[solasan]

8 - 15 + alarice 💓

ask me questions abt my ocs <3

8. would your OC ostensibly be able to get away with murder?

oh absolutely. i mean, she kind of does over the course of the game lol; she's an extremely good liar, so she's pretty good at talking her way out of suspicious situations. i think her method of body disposal in the city at least is just... dumping bodies in the chionthar, which works pretty well for her (i imagine bodies turn up in the chionthar all the time).

morality-wise, she's not inclined towards cold-blooded murder — she doesn't see the point in dirtying her hands unless someone's tried to hurt her first — but she would mentally 'get away with it' so to speak because of those rules? she's able to placate her conscience over any deaths she causes by "they tried to hurt me first, it was me or them", so she's cool with that.

actual cold-blooded murder would weigh on her a little more heavily, i think; she's not a super guilty person as a rule, but that's mostly just bc she's very good at justifying her actions to herself. cold-blooded murder without someone trying to hurt her first is harder to justify.

9. do you have a specific lyric or quote which you associate with your OC?

tbh alarice's Song is easy by son lux (feat. lorde), so the lyric i associate with her the most is "pull out your heart / to make the being alone / easy" 🙃. she doesn't seem like a particularly lonely person — she's charismatic, funny, good at making friends, and commands attention — but no one she meets rly gets to know the person she actually is and that causes its own loneliness. she keeps everyone at a distance (because that's how she's learnt u stay alive) and that's, y'know, not great.

10. what's an AU that would be interesting to explore with your OC?

hmm. there's not any huge aspects of her backstory that could change to cause an AU, but i suppose the idea of what would've happened if her and astarion had met in baldur's gate before the events of the game is interesting. there's the possibility that she'd get super fucking murdered though so idk how sustainable that AU is. unless she got turned into a spawn instead??? sdhdsjkdsjk im not sure im SOWWY.

11. what is your OC's weapon of choice? have they ever actually used it?

daggers!!!!! 2 of them, she is the queen of off-hand melee. but she's also partial to a light crossbow :) she actually uses them more than she uses any magic tbh; she's a college of swords bard, and she's been incorporating knife-throwing into her performances since she was a teenager, so she's more comfortable with weapons than she is with magic. (not that she doesn't use magic, obviously, especially since a lot of the spells she knows are trickery/illusion based so they're useful to her, but i digress).

12. is your OC self-destructive? in what ways?

ohhhh yes. her self-destructive nature tends to manifest as recklessness — whether that's taking jobs she shouldn't (cough cough) while working for the guild, or racking up huge gambling debts, or trusting a vampire spawn who has absolutely no reason not to rip her throat out, or throwing herself into battle with nothing but a song or a spell to guide her. she says that her main goal is survival, and it is, but she dislikes herself juuust enough to unconsciously fuck that up in little ways every day.

13. if you met your OC, would the two of you get along?

i mean i would probably be charmed by her but also she would steal from me and i am so broke that that would break my heart. i think tbh she would intimidate me a lot too; she's very confident in a seemingly effortless kind of way, and i'd either recognise some of myself in that — since i have it on good authority from others that i come across in a similar way — or i'd like... have a moment of "oh she is everything i want to be" and that'd mess w my head lol. i don't think she'd have any particular love for me, but that's more bc unless people can serve her or they're bound together by a tadpole in the head she doesn't really let herself appreciate the people around her.

14. how does your OC want to be seen by other characters?

strong. powerful. funny and confident and bright and right. she wants to be admired like a hero from a song, but underneath that, deep down, she really wants to be loved. the mortifying ordeal of being known really keeps her away from that though lol; she's extremely terrified of being vulnerable with anyone, so she hides a lot of herself from those around her.

15. does your OC have a faceclaim? if so, who?

she does!!! steffy argelich rly gets the vaguely chaotic look down and she has the hairrr lol. alarice's eyes are blue, which is the only difference rly.

[yung-goos]

Rambles 0.5

i've been meaning to write. idk about what. but theres a growing need to just write. to let everything out. this will become a word salad at some point. whatever.

emotions. -

yea idk. all over the fucking place. i'm sad, lonely, confused, irritated, tired, uncomfortable, bored, hopeful, optimistic, pessimistic, inspired... theres just no keeping up with it. my mind in a constant war between what to focus on and what not to. shut down completely some months ago.. idk how long its been. distanced myself from friends, family I live with. i've been getting better, albeit slowly, but I'm not too disappointed by that. haven't really explained how i'm feeling to my friends, but they didn't seem too discouraged by my distance. i'm sure they'd understand. what i'm mainly stressed out about is having to deal with the fallout of it all with my dad. he's been taking my distance personally, which i'm torn on if i can blame him or not. now that i feel a bit better, it kind of is now. like, he scoffed when i tried to explain that i'm going through a bit of a depressive episode and get distant when it happens. sometimes i really feel like he doesn't believe me when i talk about how i feel. along with his know-it-all, assumptious attitude about everything, i'm starting to believe thats what makes talking to him so hard. like i think what i'm most scared for is not so much the actual 'talk' but the outcome. i do not know if i can handle if he misunderstands, downplays, confuses me, deflects, or even just gets a bit aggressive, as he has shown to do before... idk... cant help but think this is all on me, for not explaining things to him sooner and giving him a chance to understand fully. like the more time goes on where i - or, even we, at this point - ignore this big elephant in the room, the more i feel like we'll never get the chance to hash it out. we were content on trying to communicate after the first time we argued, and now i'm just stunned and feel like i can't... such a simple problem that could be worked through if i wasn't made to be so spineless. coming to the terms that my social anxiety runs so much deeper than i originally thought is fucking me up. can't even go out with friends without distressing myself over some innocuous interaction. i'm so so tired... i miss being around someone, people, that effortlessly broke down my walls and made me feel complete. i just want to be understood.

love. -

fuck love. not really. im filled with adoration. ambition. commitment. lust. desire. but naw. fuck love. kinda. not really though. it's weird, it's like, all the weird people that i've dealt with over the course of moving and being here has left such a bad taste in my mouth. like even thinking about having to sift through a bunch of people to find the ones who won't make me feel like i'm not even worth it... it makes me itch. despite all that, i'm eager to meet new people. eager to accept people for who they are. eager to work through any issues in whichever capacity with others that i care for and love. i wish people would stay around long enough to bear those fruits of labour with me. slowly accepting the fact that not everyone will. i guess that shouldn't be the initial expectation when meeting people. it would do me wonders if i could fucking understand that, but god it is so hard when people misunderstand and jump to conclusions on your entire character based off of few interactions, or don't even bother to try at all. but shit... looking back, i can't say i'm entirely innocent of not doing either myself. gotta keep reminding myself that we're all flawed and going through this bullshit called life will bring the ugly out of all of us. but yea, despite all this, the love has been felt as of late. spending time around my brother and (surprisingly) my mom, as well as being around my good friend and her friends a bunch this summer has cheered me up noticably... slowlllyyyyy wanting to get back out there fr, but i'd really like to put some things into motion before i do, which brings me to....

life. -

ughhhhhhh. aaaAAAUUGHHHH. i just have this big ole back log of shit i've been putting off for so long. and its like, i know what i should be doing, how to do it, and more than capable of getting it done, but for so long just been paralyzed to do anything (unless absolutely necessary). i had a pretty good conversation with a friend of one of my good friends about this awhile ago. they called it decision paralysis, and i think that's an amazing way to explain what i'm feeling. it's like my brain does not know what to focus on at any given point and just freezes up in response. on top of that, the lack of energy and drive (esp. recently) makes trying to get things done even worse. what's funny though, is that this is the least of what i'm worried about. cuz i know the slightest pivot with a splash of consistency in routine would propel my life forward tenfold. like what i really want is within arms reach, i just want to get over some of these deeply seeded issues before really trying to go for it. need to, even. like if i could go outside without tearing myself apart over some spontaneous, maybe even awkward conversation, i think i'd be unstoppable. maybe. but anyways, despite how everything sounds life is... bearable. oddly pleasant, even. haven't gotten into all the new stuff i've bought, games i've played, things that have brought me joy over these months despite everything, but i think i'll get into that on other posts.

bleh.... i think thats everything. for now at least. now that its all out, i think its time i start carpe'ing some diem or something for once.

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

watching a bit of that scene start of 12x5 where shes looking for the master and wow it just really sank in for me how different of a companion experience the fam had. she says she goes home [dramatic pause] on her own and yaz asks “why? why not with us?”

rose: first date martha: Weird Melodramatic Bullshit on her second trip donna: first meeting amy: ...i dont...actually remember oh im disappointing myself here. but by episode two she knows hes so very old and so very kind and the very very last of his kind and he cant stand and watch children cry clara: we’ve got that whole death in heaven/last christmas fiasco bill: “bill, missy, the Other Last Of The Time Lords”

they dont know!! they dont know what Home means!! this has been like the idk the fucking mud we stand on for all new who!! and They Dont Know

it’s- it’s WILD putting myself in their shoes their idea of The Doctor is so vastly different from any other new who companion. it really really is. like if they meet a previous regeneration sure they’ll recognise the Doctorness. but like, different trauma. it’s really weird

like, for all previous new who companions the doctor is like, their Friend (you know, special Friend status it’s always a bit Different, how do you explain your relationship with the doctor as a companion well youknow, theyre your Friend, anyway) their Friend who is Lonely and Hurt and Shouldnt Travel Alone, and who has such impressive admirable ideals and needs someone to keep them to them, appreciates the people who can, appreciates the people who share them. and theyre a bit mysterious sure but information will trickle out, when it’s relevant, such a long life you wouldnt expect them to share it all at once

to the fam the doctor is more like, their Friend who likes her privacy, who keeps her doors closed and her distance, but who loves showing you around the universe. she appreciates your input the way a tour guide appreciates an engaged audience, but you dont touch the things youre not supposed to touch. you leave that to the professionals. she’ll show you around. dont go poke at things yourself and get in trouble.

other new who companions would see the doctor be stupid and smack them over the head verbally, physically, spiritually, whatever way necessary to say “dont be fucking stupid”. you dont go around smacking your tour guide. there are boundaries.

she doesnt tell them about her life and they cant ask more than is polite. they cant sit down on an alien planet and go “im not moving until you talk to me properly”. like, yaz probably can. i think during s12 it’s iffy and it’s complicated by the fact that the doctor is Not Okay which also affects the boundaries in yet another direction. but s11 they really couldnt do that.

they dont know how old she is. it never comes up. for all they know she looks her age. they dont know why she looks human. they dont know where she got the tardis from. they couldnt do what amy did in the beast below because they knew the doctor so well. they couldnt do what donna did in fires of pompeii and put their hands on the button. they couldnt do what clara did in death in heaven and bluff their way out of getting shot by cyberman by rattling of the doctor’s biography. not through any fault of their own, the fam couldnt do Any of that.

and it’s not like thats new information to me, some of my first posts on here were about passenger vs companion status and what the fam knows but i guess it just Hit me suddenly? how different their view of the doctor is compared to previous new who companions.

“why? why not with us?”

are we not friends enough yet that you could let us into your life a bit more? are we not friends enough yet that we’re allowed to know where youre from?

she DISAPPEARS. they have no idea where to. im assuming during s11 they were together most of the time? the fam dont seem to get home much at least. can we assume she didnt just disappear then sometimes? if she did it wouldve been rarer i think. i cant honestly say that i cant see her do it. once every couple of weeks. just go somewhere quiet and stare into space and come back barely missed and ready to go another few weeks. she’d probably have very plausible reasons. like 10 and donna in midnight. you go lounge around by the pool im going on this tour. probably enough opportunities for stuff like that where she could without suspicion disappear for a few hours.

but then youre getting an idea. youre getting an idea of a life of a person who seems like they dont have much going on except for what you share. theyre with you basically all the time. they dont mention any other attachments (ha funny i hurt myself), friends, family, home. and they mention enough other things that the white noise kinda fills all the gaps. you dont notice it’s all popcorn until Some Guy shows up, the One attachment she apparently does have, and hes like a whole Evil Guy, and he tries to kill you all. and then you realise wait what the fuck we dont know anything

and then they ask “why not with us?” and i realise, wait what the fuck they dont know anything

[snowyhere]

this is just a rant for tc crush cause i have no one to talk to right now and idk how to feel

first things first, im over 18!

since the beginning of 2022 i had geography classes with A, and since then i feel like we clicked instantly

We would talk after every class and during his after-hours on his office almost everyday, i suspect i was the first one he remembered the name of during the school year. Our email exchange was somewhat constant and there were numerous days when we would just hang out in his office. just the two of us. and talk abt our lifes

I think the first time we talked abt something different than his subject was on mother's day, which we talked abt our families and weekend, then things just started working out from that.

during the middle of the school year i thought i was being too much on him, since i complimented him quite a lot lol, so i started to distance myself in order to see if my feelings just died out, but he would always go after me me and got way more gentle/kinder with me than he ever was, which is rlly different from what he usually is (we both are rlly sarcastic and joke a lot with this, which makes us sound rude to each other in other people perspective, but thats just our way of being together), so i just couldnt stop liking him, my heart wouldn't let me do it, so i eventually just gave up and kept talking to him like usual.

during the time i tried to distance myself, some other girl started flirting with him

like

FLIRTED with him

and he got rlly uncomfortable for 2 main reasons

1- SHE IS A MINOR

2-she is a piece of shit, in general (shes racist and homophobic)

and this made all of his co-workers open an eye, to the point where some of them would joke with that, which made BOTH of us rlly annoyed

Now its the end of my school year. Last week i had one last class with A and im in despair, i simply don't know what to do anymore, i just dont know how to deal with all of this

we wont see each other until December and i just want to cry sm, idk how ill be without him. I got really attached to him, and he seemed to like my presence a lot, amd now everything is done. its over. i lost it all

i got his phone # through our class president and idk how to approach him anymore, i feel so desolated, lonely and anguished.

I dont think its hard to tell but im EXTREMELY socially awkward, especially through text, and i dont know what to talk abt

i dont want to seem pushy or over the top if i say i want to keep in touch, i just wanted to do this in person, with him in front of me, looking at him poking fun at me for blushing (just like he did a bunch of times), or smirking in a way that only him can do it

i just feel so overwhelmed with all of this i just want to crumble up and cry.

[sukirichi]

read the new chapters and aAAACKKKKK BESTIE???

y/n - ‘I was born to make everyone’s life a living hell’ maam this LINE?! JAW DROPPED, TIME STOPPED being insecure all her life and wanting to live up to the expectations to her dad just to have that sliver of attention from him, that sentence gives us a glimpse on how little she felt despite being accomplished, rather successful actually because she always cleans her boss’ mess have a lot of baggage to unpack. and when the secret was confirmed, her anger rejects all of the entity that ties with her past because both her parents deprived her for the things she was supposed to have– becoming greedy to fulfill those. then eventually, somehow, going back to her roots aka being humble after having the talk with her dad. As most of her insecurity started because of him and how she had to be the bigger person for his other family, clearing out the misunderstanding between them brought a sense of peace  while she’s settling in the restless turn of events.

and with our main man gojo, this guy, it is not wise to- 😤😤 how can you say you’re engaged after doing the body tango huh? esp when you said you want y/n to be your wife? oh gee and the revelation of his past relationship with mia and how he sees her in y/n is so fucked up. can’t help but think that satoru wanting to marry and be this lovey-dovey with y/n is just him reliving the moments that mia never gave him in the past. and y/n accepting that their current relationship is based on how they’re filling up the cracks in their needs and settling for the sake of familiarity. imagine how deep in love our girl is to keep satoru in her life 💔 im still in it for the second lead agenda

needless to say, everyone here needs a therapy so they can get their shit straight together 🤧🤧 (ノ•̀ o •́ )ノ ~ ┻━┻

BUT i know you mentioned this many times but laywer! naoya all poised and in his best behavior while helping y/n in her new situation has my heart go💕💕 winning lots of cases and is known in his field, he proved that he is both beauty and brains. and the pen spin??? man be pulling those fast spins either to distract or impress the person he is talking to flashing those perfect white pearls wtf now i can’t get that out of my head naoya brain rot 🥵🥵 also celebrity chef! sukuna in charge of all those delicious, exquisite cuisines? imma make myself broke just to taste his masterpiece🥲 ooh but how about him being a michelin star chef and owning a michelin-starred resto?! no doubt, left and right you see this man appearing on some high food magazine on the cover 😊😊 oh oh i also saw that supermodel! choso?? also his face is plastered on magazines AND luxurious advertisements ex. shibuya crossing! where most people be drenched in his glorious presence yea weird shibuya arc ref pls kill me and everyone talks how handsome and intimidating he is while he just have a rbf and only the closest people in his life get to see him drop that front 😌😌

with that in mind, imagine supermodel! choso being a godfather to the baby of y/n?? he would go soft immediately at the sight of the child and would probably love giving lots of branded clothes it will be good enough for more than a year ☺️🥲😭

oh and there is this one scene in chp7 that reminded me of the recent korean movie i watched i dont wanna say it in case you wanna check it out its called sweet and sour and oh god idk why but watching it, mind keeps on prompting your fics 😬😬 maybe bcos i some of your fic always had med related topics and the main actress role there is a nurse. i remember that you’re on your clinic training so maybe thats why 😳oohh pls don’t forget to take breaks and be safe heart and oh ur a psych major too? oh wow hi ig in relation to one actress in the sweet and sour fic, she was also in a kdrama the heirs- which was popular at the time with it being packed with some solid household actors and actresses. sky castle tho, ig it relates to the theme of reckless more because its mostly how parents from the upper class will mindlessly destroy someone’s life to attain their materialistic desires  🤧🙂

this fic, easily in my top 3 ‘heart belongs to who it dictates’ so many twists, so much drama and ANGST! YES BESTIE GIMME THOSE ANGST 🥲😌

i hope you’re doing well nowadays :’)) we need to find gege the best chiropractor to take care of his back, so good that it’ll make naoya respawn to life 🙂 suki i don’t think i’ll get tired of saying how much i love your work that it feels illegal im reading it for free 💔. i don’t really have much to offer, but im wishing you good health and success in your life :’)) aah i’ve mentioned this already but take care always 💕💖😊🥰

- 🍳

read the new chapters and aAAACKKKKK BESTIE???

y/n - ‘I was born to make everyone’s life a living hell’ maam this LINE?! JAW DROPPED, TIME STOPPED being insecure all her life and wanting to live up to the expectations to her dad just to have that sliver of attention from him, that sentence gives us a glimpse on how little she felt despite being accomplished, rather successful actually because she always cleans her boss’ mess have a lot of baggage to unpack. and when the secret was confirmed, her anger rejects all of the entity that ties with her past because both her parents deprived her for the things she was supposed to have– becoming greedy to fulfill those. then eventually, somehow, going back to her roots aka being humble after having the talk with her dad. As most of her insecurity started because of him and how she had to be the bigger person for his other family, clearing out the misunderstanding between them brought a sense of peace  while she’s settling in the restless turn of events.

and with our main man gojo, this guy, it is not wise to- 😤😤 how can you say you’re engaged after doing the body tango huh? esp when you said you want y/n to be your wife? oh gee and the revelation of his past relationship with mia and how he sees her in y/n is so fucked up. can’t help but think that satoru wanting to marry and be this lovey-dovey with y/n is just him reliving the moments that mia never gave him in the past. and y/n accepting that their current relationship is based on how they’re filling up the cracks in their needs and settling for the sake of familiarity. imagine how deep in love our girl is to keep satoru in her life 💔 im still in it for the second lead agenda

needless to say, everyone here needs a therapy so they can get their shit straight together 🤧🤧 (ノ•̀ o •́ )ノ ~ ┻━┻

BUT i know you mentioned this many times but laywer! naoya all poised and in his best behavior while helping y/n in her new situation has my heart go💕💕 winning lots of cases and is known in his field, he proved that he is both beauty and brains. and the pen spin??? man be pulling those fast spins either to distract or impress the person he is talking to flashing those perfect white pearls wtf now i can’t get that out of my head naoya brain rot 🥵🥵 also celebrity chef! sukuna in charge of all those delicious, exquisite cuisines? imma make myself broke just to taste his masterpiece🥲 ooh but how about him being a michelin star chef and owning a michelin-starred resto?! no doubt, left and right you see this man appearing on some high food magazine on the cover 😊😊 oh oh i also saw that supermodel! choso?? also his face is plastered on magazines AND luxurious advertisements ex. shibuya crossing! where most people be drenched in his glorious presence yea weird shibuya arc ref pls kill me and everyone talks how handsome and intimidating he is while he just have a rbf and only the closest people in his life get to see him drop that front 😌😌

with that in mind, imagine supermodel! choso being a godfather to the baby of y/n?? he would go soft immediately at the sight of the child and would probably love giving lots of branded clothes it will be good enough for more than a year ☺️🥲😭

oh and there is this one scene in chp7 that reminded me of the recent korean movie i watched i dont wanna say it in case you wanna check it out its called sweet and sour and oh god idk why but watching it, mind keeps on prompting your fics 😬😬 maybe bcos i some of your fic always had med related topics and the main actress role there is a nurse. i remember that you’re on your clinic training so maybe thats why 😳oohh pls don’t forget to take breaks and be safe heart and oh ur a psych major too? oh wow hi ig in relation to one actress in the sweet and sour fic, she was also in a kdrama the heirs- which was popular at the time with it being packed with some solid household actors and actresses. sky castle tho, ig it relates to the theme of reckless more because its mostly how parents from the upper class will mindlessly destroy someone’s life to attain their materialistic desires  🤧🙂

this fic, easily in my top 3 ‘heart belongs to who it dictates’ so many twists, so much drama and ANGST! YES BESTIE GIMME THOSE ANGST 🥲😌

i hope you’re doing well nowadays :’)) we need to find gege the best chiropractor to take care of his back, so good that it’ll make naoya respawn to life 🙂 suki i don’t think i’ll get tired of saying how much i love your work that it feels illegal im reading it for free 💔. i don’t really have much to offer, but im wishing you good health and success in your life :’)) aah i’ve mentioned this already but take care always 💕💖😊🥰

- 🍳

y/n becomes a real baddie when she’s pissed off 😫

hmm y/n wasn’t really working hard for her dad’s attention, it was more like she felt so left out and unwanted (she feels unwanted wherever she goes) that she just decided to pack up and support them from afar bcos to her, she’s so alienated in her dad’s family that she felt like she had to work hard to earn a spot in their table. she knows she’s the outsider but she wants to feel like she can be part of them, that she is also a child deserving of love and care, but becos her stepmom focused more on her actual kids and her own dad was too busy with his new family now, it made y/n feel that she had to do something to be worthy of that.

that’s why most of the money she made working in tokyo was still wired to her family; she put her brothers in school and supported them, all because she hoped it would make them accept her more. now, things are different because she finally found her biological family, but even if valeria and co. still don’t want her, y/n is now more focusing on building something that’s truly hers that no one can take away. yes yes, she did become greedy, but more for power than of acceptance. she got to a point she doesn’t care as much vying for her parents’ approval and now thinks her luxury gives her comfort; only because at least she has that much. like she said in the latest chapter, happiness was not what she needed, it was stability and money - all things she lacked before.

and yea she did go back to her roots! all of her issues started with her dad anyway but that part is slowly patching up 🩹💔 oooh actually your theory is right bestie 🧐 gojo found y/n interesting bcos she reminded him of mia, so the more she pushed him away, the more he’s like wait, i’ve been here before, let’s not repeat past mistakes but i can do better now. on the part where gojo talked to mia while she was asleep, notice how he said he’s given a second chance to do better now, all because he couldn’t do them with mia but he could with y/n.

ohhh actually y/n was the one who established that ‘fulfilling mutual need and settling for familiarity instead of being lonely’ type of relationship. gojo avoided her for weeks and he’s pretty settled in keeping his distance, but she was the one who sought him out. deep down, y/n is afraid if she doesn’t at least use him as an anchor to her more humble roots, then she might spiral out of control and end up like valeria, thus using him as a ‘distraction’ but in reality, she needs his comfort to be grounded.

SECOND LEAD AGENDA OMG LETS GOOO 🏃🏻‍♀️🏃🏻‍♀️🏃🏻‍♀️ geto the fine fine option.

NO BESTIE MOMENT U MENTIONED LAWYER NAOYA I JUST KNEW I WAS GONNA SCREAM. okay but lawyer! naoya is so fine, i love his character so much bcos he’s a pure bean. originally, i was gonna make him an antagonist but i found he had more potential as a good, supportive character. HIS PEN SPIN HELPPP WHY COULDN’T HE JUST BEEN OUR BABY DADDY 😫 he pulls them fast spins bcos he’s nervous btw HAHAHAHA y/n can be quite intimidating and lawyer! naoya is sometimes too precious.

celebrity chef! sukuna is MEAN! he was pictured after gordon ramsay so lmao. omgggg sukuna being famous not only for his food but also his handsomeness 😳 he gets so cocky over how no one can get in his level while popping a battle of champagne, listening to ‘careless whisper’ while dancing to his reflection in the mirror 😤

also yoo supermodel! choso is THE hot shit 🥵 he’s so famous his schedule is packed for an entire year and a half and those are just for very selected brands and designers! ugh imagine going to work on the subway when you see supermodel! choso with rbf posing sexily and you swoon because he’s so sexy. plot twist that choso doesn’t know how to drive bcos as a kamo family member, they grew up with drivers taking them to and fro, so when his driver got sick and everyone else was busy, supermodel choso takes the subway himself and hides behind a face mask and cap while still wearing extravagant clothes that makes him stand out more. he does not have ‘subtle’ on his book at all.

and yeah people say he’s intimidating but its more his height and build + rbf! in reality, he’s just as soft and sweet as naoya, but both of them go into protective mode when someone they care about is being crapped on. and boy when they DO get into “what did you just say?” mode, better run away 🏃🏻‍♀️ supermodel! choso is also an heir to the kamo empire though not after the business, but he still has enough power to take you down in a second.

meanwhile, lawyer! naoya didn’t become this successful without being so savage yet composed he makes you question your entire existence before he drags you to court. lawyer! naoya is so scarily convincing that he can make you plead guilty even tho you did nothing wrong 💀

aaaah omg supermodel! choso LOVES babies actually! as the eldest child who looked after his brothers bcos the kamo parents are always away for work, being a father figure is so natural to him. i can picture him being the one who cries harder than gojo if the baby is born bcos he’s so excited, then reads poems to the baby before sighing that childbirth is such a beautiful thing 🥺

omg i know sweet n sour, the actresses are one of my faves tho i haven’t watched it yet! oooh they’re a nurse? i didn’t know that 🧐 i actually finish my short training in a week so i’ll be heading on to heavy majoring in psychology! wait bestie are YOU also a psych major 😳💕 oh and i see i see, sky castle *jots that down for future references* reckless actually has lots of significance in terms of the parents’ roles so i’m excited to see that! and aww thank you so much, can’t believe i made it in someone’s top three 🥺💕

HELP AHSKWKW i’m gonna call the best chiropractor in the world and send them gege’s way, i’ll cry a river if that’s what it takes to bring my boo back to life 😭 and noo baby the support already means a lot to me, i’m just happy to indulge in my hobbies and share it wih you all so thank you very much for everything 🥺 please take care of yourself too n have a nice day!! kith MWAH 💕

[lookingseeing]

okay! finally tma 174- The Great Beast

alright. i thought this was about the spiral maybe? idk i saw someone mention helen, thats the only spoiler i have. um... the episode description looks like the vast, so do the content warnings, though "distortion" is definitely a key word of the spiral so.

Marie. okay hello, whats up with her. there was an eclipse this weekend irl but it wasnt really visible unfortunately, but maybe thats good bc this unending eclipse? sucks.

yo thats the ritual of the vast that the spaceship crew was working on right? the uhhhhh Daedalus? i went to look it up but i remembered, and the statement giver's name was..... ah. Jan Kilbride, did have to look that up. wait was that the tirual for the dark? the dark sun? the Daedalus trip had the Lonely, the Vast, and the Dark all fucking around on it

is it marie or marine???

memory stuff, but this time connected to the vast. thats interesting. i have absolutely no idea what this means

this is kinda Dark oriented what with the giant shadow, but its definitely the Vast, clearly. the Vast was historically centered around space, the ocean, and the sky, so new angles are great

so is simon fairchild gonna make an appearance? where is jon? where is martin? clearly the most important things to be asking right now

Edward whats good my dude. oh that sucks im sorry. oh god. oh no. "the impossible colossus" thats a dope line. ....could be a band name. this guy losing limbs now? i think i missed something

claustrophobia? another element of a different entity? would the rock climbing also be the buried? i suppose its true that the Vast is uhhh unknowable and all encompassing so if it has other fears folded into it thats some interesting and spicy worldbuilding

ahhahah edward how are we. feeling mortal fear yet? i am! im writing this from an airplane thousands of feet in the sky! why'd i do that to myself! fuck! EDWARD NO he will be missed

the beast!!!!! its a fuckin mishmash of people okay. and when edward is cast out he is no longer part of the whole and is painfully an individual, tiny, insignificant.... oh hey he's fine actually! great. he's part of the giant beast again. "the great, suffering colossus" FUCK YEAH OKAY IM DOWN WITH THIS giant man made of smaller men

martiiiiiiiiiin

so those booms in the background are the footsteps of the colossus beast?

"okay so what counts as a day" "excellent question" *indignant martin noises* good

SIMON.??? HELLO! missed this shitty old man! i mean only like a little. oh hey has he never met jon? that's fantastic. also i like that he clearly just fell out of the sky next to them. hope he's okay physically? hopefully he's not a talking smear of blood? that would suck and also hey please leave martin alone- fuckin get his ass martin!!

martin being annoyed with jon for being a little too casual and almost borderline friendly to other avatars is great. i am obsessed with the conflict there, bc jon is like oh these people are like me, whereas martin sees them as Monsters and wants them all fuckin Eradicated, which uhhhhh is definitely a problem for these two's relationship. martin keeps trying to get jon to distance himself from his avatar-ness too

this scene is hilarious alfjjdjsls Kill Him. ...c-can he do that?? Yeah And He's Going To.

and jon let him go!!!!!!!! bc he seemed like a chill dude! martin you have to understand that maybe jon doesn HELEN

anyways. love avatars either struggling with being a monster and trying to stay human, or, more commonly, saying fuck it and going all in. hey martin? maybe committing murders makes jon feel like a Bad Person, a Monster if you will. but martin sees it as heroic bc he doesn't see them as people like jon does

aaaaand now we're talking about it! helen it is not boring!!!!!!!!! Let Jon Speak...... though...... i do have to agree with helen a bit. if jon goes full feral he'd be having a much better time

aw martin..... no jon you deserve the apology "he threatened to throw me off a rollercoaster" excellent. yeah it is scary if you think about it but yeah. that is funny as hell

glad we're still on board with killing elias. melanie and i have only been waiting for it since season TWO

[sydmarch]

does anyone else struggle with i guess.. emotional object permanence? idk what else to call it but it’s like i’m good at making friends but bad at keeping them. i’ve always been able to go to the mall or a concert or bar or w/e by myself and find someone or a group to hang out with i connect with people easily but just don’t know how to maintain those connections. like in high school i had a lot of friends from a ton of different circles but today there’s only 3 people from hs i’d still consider friends. i had a lot of friends in college too but im still close to just 2 of them and most of my other friends i’d say are people i know from that friend group since we’d always be at the same events it was easy to stay in touch. and every job i’ve ever had i socially settled in easily & made lots of friends quickly but as soon as we stop working together we just stop being friends no matter how close we were before. i just don’t know how to stay in touch w people i’m not seeing regularly!! i’ve always been someone who’s never liked texting w/o a Reason for as long as texting has been around i’m terrible at reaching out to people first & when i do decide i really need to reconnect w someone in the past it’s always let’s go to a show together or let’s go out for drinks so it’s like rn i feel incapable of maintaining my relationships w/o Events & it’s not as simple as “just reach out to your friends” bcus i just can’t! & i don’t even know what to say i don’t want to talk about nothing but i have nothing to talk about. even in my relationship half the time i feel like “what’s the point when we haven’t seen each other in ages and it doesn’t even feel like we’re together most of the time” and it’s not specific to this relationship i’ve felt this every time i’ve dated someone long distance or semi long distance which is why when i got back into dating i only considered people within my city but now he’s 3 hours away... genuinely every ldr i’ve had we go a few weeks apart and i basically feel like i might as well be single. i wish i knew how people can stay in touch with each other without physically doing things together but i just can’t wrap my mind around it but it’s never been too much of a problem before bcus i’ve always had an active social life & would go out pretty regularly even if my friends weren’t doing anything i would find things to do myself and make friends for just the night so i never really felt lonely.. i just wasn’t designed to survive like this

[talkingtotheapples]

Hey remember when I said I’d do a lyric analysis of northern downpour, and then didn’t do that for like 6 months? yeah here we go:

the opening line of Northern Downpour: “if all our life is but dream” really sets the tone for the song, its half quoting a children’s song; establishing the almost nursery rhyme aesthetic the has going on for large parts. The changes Ryan makes to the line also reveal important thematic elements in the song--“life is but a dream” is changed from a definitive and general statement; its no longer commenting about general reality but rather questioning all his established feelings about their relationship. He is turning to the other person and saying “is any of this real? is this all a fantasy ive built up in my head?” it feels almost as if he is Begging them to contradict him, to tell him what they have is good and Real and not just “broken glass”, that for a second looked like “diamonds”, and although theres a desperate uncertainty to how hes wording these thoughts “/if/ all our life is but a dream” “/do appear/ to be, just like broken glass /to me/“ you get a sense its less that he’s unsure and more that he has this realization and he is /Praying/ he is wrong.

The second verse seems to be the other person’s reply, but instead of addressing his thoughts and questions they turns to what seem like general criticisms of him “i cant believe that genius only comes across in storms of fable foreign tongues”, this line seems to be a dig at how he expresses himself: unorganized, wild, and hard to understand, while they insist thats this cant be the only way, they offer him this rather than, as noted before, addressing his fear that they’re relationship is nothing more than a fantasy or a dream.

The chorus seems to shift away slightly from the conversation the first to verses are detailing, the tone also switches back to the nursery rhyme that was present in the first line of the song. It’s directed to a personified version of the moon, a common theme in english nursery rhymes, it’s also reminiscent of ‘rain, rain go away’ although reversed in meaning. Overall the line is almost a prayer, begging the moon to say in the in the hope that that would freeze this moment forever, this hope adds a sense of anxiety to the whole song as if whatever happiness is held in this moment is fragile and will inevitably end with the day break. Using a child like tone gives the line an innocent edge, innocent as in ignorant rather, he’s asking for an impossible thing, wording it like a nursery rhyme or children’s song acknowledges this, asking for this night/this moment/ maybe even this entire relationship to last is as fruitless as child singing to that rain in the hope that it will bring fair weather

“Sugarcane in the easy morning/weathervanes my one and lonely”; speaks of Contrast; the first line feels to me to be about happiness and contentment: sugarcane is sweet and wonderful but also simple and natural, he also used the word ‘easy’ which i think compounds that, its a situation that is happy and beautiful but also effortless then you add the setting of the morning time which brings with it a sense of domesticality, and so the line paints a picture of a relationship or situation that is blissful and warm but natural and content also(much like a home)This is immediately contrasted with the next line; ‘weathervanes my one and lonely’ : weathervanes are an image that instantly conjure(for me anyway) ideas of isolation, they are distant from everything, they’re an object you own but have no physical contact with, this is then emphasized by the weathervane being described as lonely, Ryan, by using a possessive phrase aligns himself with the weathervane, creating the suggestion they are the same(he is also isolated and alone). Further more the choice of a weathervane suggests location as well, theyre an object rarely if ever found in the city, an object that is completely connected to farm life, as this is a song written by someone who lives in a city but travels long, long distances through the country seeing things like weathervanes would be a visual reminder that he’s a far from home as it well as being an object that is ‘lonely’ in its own right, bringing us back to the ‘one and lonely’ part, they’re joined together by their equal loneliness.

we shift back to the conversation here with a description of the of the other person talking: “through playful lips made of yarn”, Ryan has been using body imagery through out the song, and theres often been a subtle personification of the body parts, which is very true in this case. Instead of the speaker being simply described as talking the words move through their ‘playful lips’, which gives the words an edge of agency in their own right. But in this case he hasn’t just personified the lips, he’s also given them a sense of the artificial, by describing them as being made of ‘yarn’, not only is it a artificial material, it also has a strikingly different texture to lips(the line wouldnt have the same effect had he used plastic instead) the description gains a very haptic feel to it, but also alien and strange, potentially indicating his feelings towards the other person at this point.

The emotion of the verse starts shifts back to the more distraught feeling at the start of the song, the “Capricorn” is described as “fragile” and the words the came from the “playful lips” now “unravel”. As if the as the conversation progresses the other person gets more and more upset, and their speech more jumbled.

There isn’t a clear indication who or what ‘that fragile capricorn’ is, the natural inclination is that it’s the other person(presumably they are a capricorn) but its place in the verse seems to suggest otherwise— it seem to be the cause for the mood change, “/That/ fragile Capricorn /unraveled/ words like moths upon old scarves”, like it is the cause for the unraveling, I want to argue that its an outside force or situation, potentially the conversation they are currently having; tentative and hanging over their heads.

this is immediately followed by, what ryan described as the central line of p.o.: “I know the world’s a broken bone but melt your headaches call it home”, in the context of this song potentially being about a troubled relationship it could be taken to be about that specifically, a plea either to the other person or himself to keep working on the problems in their relationship, but I think its almost meant to be taken in general sense,(potentially as well) its not enough to just acknowledge the ways in which your life, or the wide world is hard and harmful and then to wallow it that pain, rather you have to then be proactive in that situation and Make It Better(which is a bit of a theme in jon’s solo music but i Digress).

the song then moves back into a repetition of the ‘sugarcane’ line, eventually interlaced with ‘hey moon’, finally the song ends on two new lines: “You are at the top of my lungs/Drawn to the ones who never yawn” and return to the body imagery that has ran through the song, “you are at the top of my lungs” has implication of someone ‘taking your breathe away’(tho its infinitely better worded that i actually feel guilty describing it as such but i dont know how else to put it). yawning is a sign of tiredness or boredom so the opposite of that invokes connotations of focus or intensity, tho i got to say im unclear as to whether that line refers to Him being “drawn to the ones who never yawn” or the other person, I default on it being the other person because of the wording but it makes more sense to me if it refers to ryan idk

basically northern downpour is a song that sits tentatively strung between the knowledge that maybe this relationship isnt the healthiest and being So in love with the other person that you almost dont care but mainly desperately want to be proved wrong, desperately begging the moon to stay in the sky so this Good moment doesnt end and you wont have to face reality by the harsh light of day

Some Notes

•this might be a a bit of a hot take idk it isnt really what i thought about the song until i thought intensly about each line for hours but once i landed on it the more i became convinced that was what the song was talking about, its still just my interpretation tho, how ever you interpretated it is just as valid u know, and if you wanna send me your thoughts about northern downpour(or any song off pretty odd lmao) please feel free! i obviously have Thoughts lmaoo

•kinda wanna write an entire piece about how northern downpour, dangrous blues and lie to the truth are basically a trilogy, kinda wanna cry

•i had to physically stop myself from writing an entire paragraph about how ‘i know the worlds a broken bone but melt your headaches call it home’ is a progression from the central ideas of fever and im real emotional about it but i managed to control myself cos it didnt really fit

[gloryblooded]

with a gif of achilles/austin being a major mood ( i mean, who doesn’t want to nap all the time ? ), i hope to catch your attention & say HELLO !   i’m hanna, i’m 22, and i use she/her pronouns! i’m a hufflepuff, a libra, and ISFJ ( what a shocking combo, i know ). anyway, over here i’ll be playing everyone’s favorite disaster hero, achilles, and his new mortal self, austin pelham. i’m so excited for this group and getting to write & plot with all of you. 

anyway, below the cut you’ll find some info about both achilles and austin ! it got kinda lengthy ( especially achilles’ part ) + it’s messily written. sdfsfdsdhsfbh im truly sry about that & pls still love us.

ACHILLES.

disclaimer: i’ve utilized several sources to form my portrayal of achilles, namely the iliad and the song of achilles. i have not read the pjo books, but i googled achilles’ role in it & i’ll incorporate that to my characterization to the best of my abilities.

so, achilles. a son of peleus, a king, and thetis, a nereid. boy was destined for greatness long before he was even conceived; great enough that the gods chose to dilute it by giving thetis to a mortal man. despite this, his destiny was to still become the greatest warrior of his generation. thetis, wanting to further protect him, dipped him in the river styx and boom, the powers of almost complete invulnerability ( except that one heel ) were achilles’. 

his childhood was actually quite lonely? sure, he had peleus’ orphan boys to keep him company & plenty of admirers, but there was always a certain distance between them, especially he had separate, private lessons. that is until a certain awkward young prince arrived in peleus’ court. achilles was instantly smitten ( a shoutout to that time when he became that ‘g2g chicken’ meme after their first kiss ) and this feeling just became stronger through the years as they studied under chiron’s tutelage at mount pelion. 

AND THAT’S IT. NOTHING HAPPENED AFTER THAT. ACHILLES GOT HIS HAPPY ENDING.

just kidding. unfortunately :sob emoji:

tHEN PARIS HAD TO DO HIS THING AND RUIN ACHILLES’ HAPPINESS ( thanks a lot dude ). the war started and, despite the ordeal with thetis where achilles was yeeted to lycodemes’ court & ended up knocking up deidamia, he was off to fight in the trojan war ( with his emotional support philtatos right by his side ).

during his years there, he does his thing. he fights, kills more trojans and their allies than anyone else, is a great leader to his men, and spends his free time with his boyfriend. also i wanted to add that he was not as hostile toward briseis as he was in tsoa. like, ofc they weren’t as close as patrochilles or pat and bri, but he wasn’t as jealous as implied in tsoa. 

anyway, now we’re getting closer to that period of time. stuff goes fairly normally, but then aging meninist ( idk how to spell his name & im too lazy to look it up, but u know who i mean ) decides to dishonor him by unlawfully taking briseis from him. and oh boy, do we get to see achilles’ non-chill side. victim-playing & stubborn spite game is strong af. someone tries to reason with him? he becomes that ‘i suddenly can’t read i don’t know’ gif. 

anyway, shit turns bad enough that he eventually, although reluctantly, consents to patroclus donning his armor and leading the myrmidons out there. that obvs ends super badly and achilles, true to himself, reacts even worse. he goes ballistic and even fights a river before he finally gets what he wants --- hector dead. after that, he stops caring. he fights, sure, but every single time he wishes his death would come. death eludes him for a while after that, and when it finally arrives & that arrow lodges itself in his heel, achilles vc: finally some good fucking food.

except sike, not ! his bitchass of a son delays the reunion he’s been yearning for. achilles curses him & 100% disowns him because he dared to disrespect his final wish. bUT EVENTUALLY HIS PERSON ARRIVED AND ACHILLES WAS SO !!!!!!!!!!!! BECAUSE ALL WAS FINALLY GOOD. achilles got a good dose of positive character development bc he realizes the error of his ways when he was alive, but most importantly, he never had to part with his one true love.

until the gods got themselves into another mess & dragged other, innocent people with them. smh ( uncle sam and/or the gods better square up when achilles regains his memories bc how dare they interrupt his lovely afterlife with pat!!!! )

AUSTIN.

so, enter the man achilles thinks he now is: austin pelham. his full name is austin alexander pelham-niarchos, but for the sake of simplicity, he goes by austin pelham most days. he is the only child of us army general & greek heiress to a shipping empire. not really a happy marriage, but they wouldn’t divorce either. both adored austin, though, so the boy didn’t pay too much attention to his parents’ marital struggles.

austin’s future was laid out from a young age too. he was to follow in his father’s footsteps and become an army official as well, possibly one of the greatest this nation had ever seen. considering his natural athleticism and gift for commanding crowds, it seemed a feasible future path & austin himself accepted it without complaining.

however, he was a mere kid when all this was told to him, so he couldn’t be too bothered. sure, he excelled in school ( his mother insisted he should only attend the best institutions ), but mostly he enjoyed the perks that came with having been born to a lap of such luxury. 

contrary to popular belief, austin had basically no true friends; sycophants and other admirers, yes, but no one he truly bonded with. he wouldn’t have minded finding such person, but they never came along & that was fine with austin. he was independent enough to “survive alone.”

so years have gone by, manhattan’s boy king has graduated from harvard with a degree in history, and it’s time for him to join the army, right? sike, no ! austin’s mother had never been particularly enthusiastic about the idea of her son joining the army & possibly getting killed in action, but this is the first time she has a major argument with her husband about it. 

before he could do anything about it, she made her move. she used her connections to get him his movie role and manipulated austin by telling him that if he were to abandon his military plans & pursue a career as an actor, he could achieve more fame than he had ever dreamed of. austin, being a trusting person, had no reason to believe otherwise, so he accepted his mother’s offer and began working as an actor.

and what a rise to stardom it was. after his role, he got more and more offers, most of which were action / war films. austin did not mind being known as an action star; those were his favorite type of movies to film anyway. recently he finished filming what is supposed to be next spring’s ( & year’s ) biggest blockbuster and now relocated back to new york city where he plans to stay for a few months at least.

personality wise, i’d say he is most similar to pre-trojan war achilles ( when he’s at mt. pelion & lycodemes’ court ). he still has that certain brand of innocence to him and fairly easy to manipulate if you know where to strike. however, he has earned a reputation of being somewhat challenging to work with ( he knows what he wants / how he wants something done & isn’t afraid to demand this respect ). this hasn’t tamed the constant flow of work offers, though, because a) he has a way with the crowd, so fans love him, b) money is guaranteed due to his large crowd of followers, and c) he always gets the job done when he sets his mind to it. slightly more prone to making bad decisions, since he doesn’t have his impulse control person. austin is often up for a good time, though, and an evening with him won’t be a boring one.

AND THAT’S ABOUT IT, I THINK ! I DON’T YET HAVE A CONNECTIONS PAGE UP, BUT I’LL START WORKING ON IT ASAP. IF YOU HAVE ANY IDEAS, FEEL FREE TO MSG ME BECAUSE I’M UP FOR P MUCH WHATEVER. I’LL DO MY BEST TO COME UP WITH IDEAS MYSELF & MSG YOU LOVELY PEOPLE! ugh im so excited for this group!!

[rosefromc0ncret3]

sometimes, I wonder what it is I really want. moving has been on my mind a lot lately and a lot of the time I think to myself.. what do you really wanna move from trecia? there are so many moments where im just so over things here. like ive outgrown shit. or im just craving something new. sometimes, I get so caught up with my own emotions and I feel them so intensely and I magically think that if this pandemic never happened, then I wouldn't be experiencing the feelings I have now. but who knows right? maybe in some alternate universe id have all my feelings sorted out and I wouldn't be so in my head. and maybe I wouldn't be thinking so hard about the shit I stay thinking about. I really hate how some of my friendships have turned out. and I really hate how people I used to tell everything to, I feel like I cant confide in them anymore. I probly say this in all my posts but I guess thats just what happens when you grow up. its hard when the same people who have been there for me thru everything are no longer the same people I feel like I can talk to about anything now. sometimes, I wonder if I did this to myself. if I purposely pushed these people away cuz I felt like they were going to hurt me anyway. or I just felt this sudden shift in friendship or just feeling like they dont get it anymore, so I kinda just distance myself and take a step back. and maybe its not fair. but neither is feeling like shit all the time. it just gets hard cuz I know I wanna talk about how ive been feeling but it makes me so meh when I feel like I dont get the support I was looking for. or I just regret ever saying anything at all. and I guess thats why I just go on hermit mode. and just try to do things for myself. but its hard for me when I feel like I wanna talk and process it out loud with someone but its like I have no one to turn to. and it makes me sad. cuz I just want to feel heard and understood. I just want to know that someone cares. I feel like ive always been yearning for this typa feeling for so long now. and its like the more I chase it, the more it just goes away. and I guess thats why I am trying to learn how to be more self reliant. but it just feels so lonely. but maybe thats the whole point? idk. I just be sad lol. I think im just finally facing this truth that no, I am not doing my best. no I am not okay. I just wanna cry all day. but there's so much to do. and I cant go on just feeling sorry for myself. I really need to find ways to take care of myself. and actually be there for myself. and have it be effective actually. I really dont know what self care strategies work for me anymore. and when I try to figure it out, I guess the more frustrated I get. cuz I just wish I could just snap my fingers and everything would be okay. or all these negative thoughts and self destructive behavior would just vanish. but I know things aren't that easy obviously. maybe there really is some underlying lesson behind all this. and there's something that I need to experience in order for me to truly understand whats going on. idk, I want to let go of all this expectations. all these expectations I have of other people, especially. I know that I need to start expecting that stuff from myself, but I also shouldn't be so hard on myself when I feel like I cant deliver. or when there are days that I feel like I just dont know what to do. I need and want to learn how to be patient with myself. and just not rush it either. I also need to learn how to let go of control. I just have to understand that whats for me will come to me. and truly believe in divine timing too. in knowing that things are working out the way they're supposed to and know that I shouldn't have anything to worry about. but how can I not when im just a walking ball of anxiety lol sigh. I feel like I just need a day to myself. and genuinely spend some time alone. not saying that would solve everything, but I just hope I can get some clarity soon. and feel like these thoughts aren't constantly taking over me. its so hard to focus when there's so much going on. literally so much going on around me and then in my head too. I just want it to pause sometimes. I want to be able to think straight. and just give myself the support I know I need and deserve. I hope I can get it one day. if not from other people, then myself. sigh. forever sighing lol. telling myself that the universe conspires for and not against me. and as hard as these emotions are rn, I know I need to face them head on. and stop suppressing them. and just let myself feel however I want. better than walking around acting like everything's okay. cuz thats even heavier. sigh, oh well. I hope one day I can look back and just tell myself that I had nothing to worry about. and understand that there was a reason why things unfolded the way that they did. sigh. I guess rn I just need to keep riding the waves. and just let myself be in all these experiences. sigh. keep on keeping on, I suppose. 

[pocketdisaster]

8/28/21 well shit lol

So here I am again - with no where to vent, without anyone to talk to. I still find myself asking what am i doing.

Current situation: 1) I have a girl who i am seeing, who is great by many standards, we connect and want many of the same things. She can definitely be someone I spend time with - i cant say my life because honestly, i really cant see that. I really cant see that with anyone anymore. 2) And now i have a friend who i’ve had feelings for many years and wanted to date but she didnt want to, who now wants to fool around. and we have. no actual sex though because she doesnt want to “get attached.”

There is this thing i tell myself over and over again, something to try and accept the world for what it is and to not be upset or disappointed with what happens. And what that is, “expect nothing in life” 

I feel i heard once thats why people are so butt hurt and sad and upset- peoples expectations fall much shorter of what actual is.

Once i heard that, i guess i just subconsciously or intentionally, have tried to never expect or hold people to their word. I think after certain point in my life, i gave up on everyone. 

I think this is why i really feel alone. Truly alone. 

Why. Why put stock into people that will just disappoint. I dont think ive had any person outside my direct family disappoint or just let me down =/ 

It really is a weird ass feeling trying to pretend all the time. A functional adult.

Anyways, long story short, #2 is someone i want to be with but i know she doesn’t want to be with me - so why do I want to try and pursue it? b/c shes hot? its sad to acknowledge how shallow and empty i am. 

Do i even deserve to be happy? I come across this question all the time. maybe i do? but i think i dont. I think i deserve a world full of pain and suffering, i dont think i should be happy. its one of those feelings that itch at the back of your head and the end of every happy thought.

“Man this is great...why is this happening tome?”

“I’m actually happy with her...she deserve to be happy with someone worthy of her”

#1, Haley, asked me a question the other evening - how do i see myself. I told her “I am a lonely man trying to have as much fun and happiness before I die”

And ive been trying to think of the why i feel so lonely. and i think the above is the root of it. I pre-emptively write people off, keeping people at a distance, just far enough away.

But somehow #2 because she’s been in my life so fucking long has bypassed that wall. but even i know that isnt true. I want to say thats true, because itll make me feel better and that im a person. But really, idk.

I want to cry but what for? a girl i love that just wants to fool around because “its better than a stranger” In a vacuum, i could totally love her but in real life, i dont think it would ever be possible. And i feel the constant struggle//tug of war of what i know and what i want to be. 

I dont really feel better after writing this all out. usually i do but, i really, i know im just pretending to be alright with where my life is atm and honestly, i am not. 

Times like this are when i want to run away the most, from my problems and just never have to deal with them again but again life isnt that easy. AT least mine isnt, i really do just seem to constantly pushing this rock up a hill to no end.

The missing piece i’ve been looking for is just the piece that says i deserve to be happy. maybe itll be better and easier once i can find and accept that piece.

Though, i dont think i actually believe that, which is the saddest part of all

[rhapsody-in-heaven]

The Diary of Losing You

Day One

I cant believe it, never did we ever talk about breaking up before this .. and now all of a sudden its happening. I cant process it. I cant accept it. Sure, we’ve had fights but I never felt like they were toxic. We never got to that point - we weren’t even close to that point. Was I too stubborn? Did you not like that? Because no matter how much I begged and bargained - you kept telling me, it was over. That you didnt have to explain things to me but you were doing it out of courtesy. But its hard to accept - not only because it was so sudden but because you told me you still liked me - and god knows, i still like you. You told me, you couldnt change and you knew that about yourself and honestly, I kind of admire that. I havent had a lot of boyfriends but the first one I had to accept cuz he stopped liking me - the other two were long over by the time we broke up - there was resentment in our relationship but we didnt know how to let go - so we kept holding on - even when it got so toxic and even when it was obvious we were much better off without each other. But its still hard. Why don’t you think we’re worth a second chance. i didnt even think it was so bad that it needed to be classified as a second chance - just that we were still trying to figure out the kinks with the first one. Even when I told you that if the same situation happens even one more time, you could break up w me - even if it was two weeks later - i wouldnt complain. But you told me that in that case you would just break up with me two weeks later because for you, the relationship was already over. You didnt think we were worth a second chance and that hurts a lot.  I spent hours begging you to reconsider - knowing that you wouldnt - but i still had to try. and then I spent hours after talking to two friends and crying my heart out to them. all i could think about was all the plans we made that would no longer come to pass. I questioned myself if I was missing the thing wed do together or miss you and yeah at that time i was grieving our breakup but grieving more the things that would no longer come to pass. Im used to seeing you once every three weeks but three weeks werent up yet and it still felt relatively normal i guess. but the fact that I also knew the sadness would hit when the three weeks were up also scared me.  sleep was my solace - when i sleep, i dont need to think anymore.  Day Two teaching as usual but then in the times i didnt have to actively teach - i could feel the tears forming in my eyes but its okay, i dont think anyone noticed. but then we had a break between classes and i started to talk to another friend and then i couldnt stop crying. crying so loud that my coteacher heard it and asked what was wrong, and of course needing to explain things out loud with my voice made it that much worse. I could pull myself together for when i was actually teaching the class but - i still miss everything about you. I had my sixth grade class and I was so happy. They were my worst class last year but they did so well on this exercise we thought they would have trouble with - and they did, but with some help they managed to finish, and they did well. The first person i wanted to talk to was you. I felt like all i ever did was complain in our relationship I really wanted to give you the good news. And you were nice enough that you listened to me, and told me that even before, just hearing from me was good news. and that felt incredibly bittersweet. before leaving school my coteacher told me to feel better but all i could think was that i missed you. I had dinner plans that night but they got cancelled - I called my cousin and he talked to me for hours just listening to me cry - and then talk about life - and listening to me cry again. He told me that you probably didnt like the way we communicated and decided to end it before it gets harder later on. I can respect that I said, but its too soon to call it quits - we never even tried. To him, I just wasnt worth trying.  Day Three teaching kept me busy for most of the morning - i didnt have much time to think about you. but after lunch, the sadness began to manifest itself again. I dont think anyone noticed, or maybe they pretended not to. but I started to think back on the times before you moved away. Before we were long distance or even a couple. How you were so good to me. How you made me food. How you stayed with me when i was sad and i just have so many regrets I wasnt adquately able to tell you how i felt about you. How i was constantly unsure about myself but how when you did ask me out, you told me that it was okay that i didnt know - it was okay if i was never able to say i love you because you could feel that saying “love” signified a very strong emotion for me that i wasnt sure i ever felt before, and even with just me saying “like” you knew and could tell that my feelings for you were really deep. Why is it that you miss them so much more when theyre gone? Why do i feel like I shouldve treated you better i shouldve done more and thought of you more and expressed my feelings to you better. but hindsight is always 20/20. I went to pole and then to see my friends at night. we went to karaoke and at this point only one of the two friends knows because i didnt wanna ruin the birthday celebrations coming up of the one who didnt know. Well we were singing “payphone” and she said that we were singing it like someone had broken our hearts and all i could do was pretend to laugh. For the record, I dont think u broke my heart. or i dont blame you. i just wish things ended differently - i wish we were worth another shot in your mind. But all of this, is just wishful thinking. And i know that.

Day Four

its the weekend, and the day we celebrate her birthday. its a rainy day and somehow every little thing reminds me of you. I havent felt like this after a break up in a long time - im not sure if ive ever felt like this after a break up at all. My last two were long over before we ended things and the one before that was the definition of puppy love - sure i thought about him, and maybe its because its been so long but i dont remember every little thing reminding me of him. The rain reminds me of you. I saw a couple walking under an umbrella and remembered that you bought this hella big and expensive umbrella so that we could share it together in the rain. when I was at the aquarium all i could think about was how nice it would be if i was there with you. I saw a boat and i could just think about your job and how youre a shipbuilding engineer. Even looking at myself in the mirror, i thought about how you bought a jean jacket so we could match. I thought about the white tennis shoes we wanted to buy so we could match together when a friend mentioned she needed new white shoes. I thought of all the cute little cafes you took me to when we went to eat a cafe. my friend said she wanted to go to a marsh she saw in my photos - the very same one you took me to. we went to a coin karaoke place and the first time i ever went to one was with you. and sometimes i didnt need a reminder - my mind would just wander and i would remember things i didnt even know I remembered. the time when we fought about women in the workforce and your industry in the cafe and at the car. how when i asked if you were still mad at me you said that you wish you said “oh maybe i am a little bit, but ill make a lot of money and buy u a nice purse” to defuse the situation instead of getting mad. How our very first date lasted two nights and three days. How you couldnt spend my birthday w me but spent valentines w me the next day. The night you asked me to be your girlfriend - and how scared but also how happy i was. How you always took me to so many places. How i always could complain to you and you would always listen w patience - how i just wanted you back - how i wanted you to hold me and tell me it was a mistake - that you didnt really wanna break up w me that you thought about it and you wanna try again.  but i also know, its wishful thinking and i know, that you wont come back to me.  Day Five No plans. it’s still raining. No reason to go out. Can’t find the will to clean my apartment thats getting messier and dirtier by the day. I just want to lie in bed. I’ve been swiping on tinder and talking to some ppl - not to find a rebound but just to talk to people - to feel less - lonely? dejected? idk. but it doesnt really work - it feels like a lot of effort that I cant give. Were conversations always this hard? i feel like ours were so easy. And then i start to think again. all the promises we made. You said you would still try to be friends with me. Can we still do the little things? even before we went out you said u would take me skiing in the winter - is that still on? you told me you would buy me a hanbok - how about that? will you still take me? I keep asking why its over for you. why another chance will never happen. but the whole day, i just lie in bed. I cant bring myself to do anything. I keep searching up things like how long it should take to get over you - but at the same time im not sure i want to. Its not over for me yet even if its over for you. I guess, im feeling all the beginning stages of grief at once. Shock and Denial - i know its over - my head knows it - my head knows that you wont take me back or give us another go but my heart still has that false hope. my heart doesnt want to give you up. Guilt and Pain - well the pain is self explanatory but the guilt - i just keep wondering if this was my fault. if I was too unwilling to change - or didnt know i needed to change until i realized u were serious when you said you were thinking of breaking up w me - if i never said “how about we just never talk again” in anger and sadness, would we have gotten to this point? Anger and Bargaining - im not really angry - i mean i dont think this was your fault or mine but i guess i am kind of upset at the fact that you dont think we’re worth a second shot. anything we argued about, even if it spanned across a couple of days, has never come up again. and this was the first time this particular issue came up so why could we both make steps and amends to keep this from happening. are we both too stubborn? but i was willing and it felt like you werent. you told me that even ur past gfs have said that sometimes they didnt feel like they really had a choice and it wasnt just me. so im assuming that this is something youre eventually going to have to fix for yourself or you find a girl whos okay with that - but you also said you didnt want a gf or a wife that was like a doll who just agreed w everything you said. so this just means to me that youre not willing to try and change. honestly, if youre aware of it, it shouldnt be a hard fix but you already made up your mind that you werent going to do it. in reality i just wasnt the one you were willing to make those steps towards. and that is where my sadness and anger come from. now bargaining - im really willing to make changes and kind of the biggest testament i can give to that is that if we could be together again, i could quit that game ive been playing for 2 years cold turkey. For whatever reason, you never liked me playing that game and if it means i could have you back, i would gladly get rid of it. as for the other things - i promise i wont pressure to be with you longer cuz i know your tired - now i know youre tired. because you never told me before. Im sorry i dont like to lose arguments and i get defensive - i know i need to communicate better too. but i just really miss you and it kills me that we never even gave it a chance. yes, maybe youre right and things wont change and i know you think youre doing me a favour by ending this sooner rather than later but it kills me more that we never tried. Depression Loneliness and Reflection - self explanatory maybe im not fully in this stage yet but I do realize that the bargaining is not going to work even if i hope that it would.  it isnt over to me and to be honest, im not sure i want to get over you yet, even tho i know i should. Day Six

a monday. i asked you yesterday if we could talk and you said you were busy. I’m sure even tho i know your answer, i will ask you today if you would reconsider. im sorry if this puts pressure on you but i think its also necessary that i know I at least tried for my own sanity instead of letting this go. I’m going to tell you everything ive been thinking the last several days just to get it out. and yes, there is still that false hope that you’ll take me back and when that’s crushed i will probably inevitably cry again. I’m not sure if talking to you so soon is the right answer, if later would give me a clearer head. but my heart is telling me that i need to ask you to reconsider now and not later - if only for the confirmation - that nail on the coffin, that we’re really not happening anymore. I asked you when you had time and you said 10pm. So after work, i go home and i write down everything i want to talk to you about - at least everything i can think of at the time of writing much of which i talked about here already - how i thank you for loving me and all the things you did for me, how i still hope youll keep ur promise about buying me a hanbok, about a possible snowboard trip, about my stages of grief - my denial, my anger, the bargaining, how it wasnt just you who needed to change but i do think you will eventually need to change for someone - that i was sad it wasnt me. how i wish you told me about the stresses of your job so id be more understanding, how you were the first guy i thought i could say i love you to. how im not good at this cuz my last two and only serious relationships ended long before we called it off but right now i still feel like i was starting to like you more and more. how u know to break it off now because it would hurt more for me later and you no longer wanted to see me cry but for me second chances and trying is important - which is why im bargaining with you even tho i know you will say no. i need to know i did everything I could. that im sad we didnt meet earlier and have a more stable realtionship and maybe it woulda worked out - that i was sad you had to move for your job because if you were still here things wouldve worked out differently. but i dunno - i hope youll listen with as open a mind as u can, really think about it before you reject me and ill know i did everything i could. 

[thatchoiboy]

for the introduction event of 2JAE Network 

📝 summary : Jaebum comes home to a silent house and the water running from the bathroom. 📝 pairing : youngjae, jaebum  📝 genre : angst / TW : depression, suicide, character death 📝 word count : 1k 📝 notes : yesterday was one of those days.. :) i hope you guys like this! sorry for errors its unedited.

Jaebum didn’t know what lay ahead. He had come to work early, kissing the top of Youngjae’s forehead before heading towards his car. It was infuriating, he wanted to stay beside Youngjae instead, watch the younger's steady breaths, and kiss every part of him.

Regret.

With a heavy heart he rushed to return home as soon as he got a text message from his lover, reading it an hour late, immediately calling 911.

”I’m sorry, Jaebum.” It read.

He slammed open the door, taking long strides towards the source of the sound of running water. The bathroom.

Raising his fists, sturdy knuckles colliding with the rough surface of the door. “Youngjae! Open up the door!” He cried, he knocks a little harder, causing his knuckles to form a bruise. He fumbled with the doorknob, finding out it was locked. Damn it.

Jaebum backed away from the only thing that is keeping his distance from Youngjae. He counted, and barged through the door, successfully breaking the door down. He was bleeding, he could feel the pain. His shoulders. Oh. But that doesn't matter, only Youngjae matters.

The sight left him numbed. The pain from his shoulder? Gone.

Youngjae? Gone.

He fell to his knees, scurrying towards the unmoving body underneath the tub full of water, ignoring the scattered sleeping pills that he crushes every step he took. He shakily grab a hold of the freezing body. How long did he stay in there? He must've felt cold.

Jaebum brushed his lover's hair away from his face, letting out a small smile, eyes welling up of tears that slowly slips down onto Youngjae's pale face each time he looks at him, he holds his hand, grasping the fingers, staring at the ring on his finger.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."  He repetitively mumbled against the other's hair as he cradled the body closer to his.

He couldn't feel anything, see anything, his eyes blurry from the tears that constantly cover his vision. His whole body was shuddering, continuing to hold Youngjae close. Unable to hear the paramedics as they rush to transfer Youngjae's body to the stretcher. Jaebum stayed still, Youngjae is dead. Youngjae is dead.

Youngjae is...

He lets out a scream. Grabbing and tugging at his brown locks. He stopped and stared at his own reflection in the mirror, his hair disheveled, eyes red, his left shoulder still bleeding non stop. A hand on his shoulder pulled him away from his thoughts, he thrashes from their hold, until he felt a sharp pain from his neck. A sedative.

"We need to treat your wound or it'll get worse." He heard someone say, before falling into deep slumber.

What's the point? Without Youngjae, what's the point? I'm better off dead.

Voices. indistinct voices awoken him. Eyes adjusting to the white room, he moved his head towards his left side, the injured shoulder bandaged up securely, he wanted nothing but to rip it apart, to let the blood flow out until he runs out, but he was too tired, too hazy to lift a finger. His eyes drifted to the people seated on the couch. A woman rushes up to him. His mother, and another one, Youngjae's mother.

Youngjae.

He teared up, sobbing silently, sitting up from his bed and grabbing hold Mrs. Choi's hand, he repeatedly apologized, voice cracking at each word he spoke. “I-I c-couldn’t protect h-him.” He croaked out. He felt a soft hand caressing his hair, whispering sweet nothings into his ear. “It wasn’t your fault.” It was. “Don’t replace grief with guilt.” I will.

It was my fault. My. Fault.

His blurry eyes watched his mother hand him an envelope. To Jaebum. It read. “T-the police found this inside your bedroom, seems like Y-Youngjae really planned this out.” He shakily takes it, clutching it tight yet gently to avoid creasing it.

“We’ll leave you alone for a while. Don’t do anything, please. We’re very sorry for your loss.” His father says, his voice surprisingly unsteady, calling on everyone to get out of the room. The soft click of the door rang inside his head.

He opened the letter, staring at the messy handwriting of his husband. He laughed softly, before his lips tremble as he reads the letter : Dear my Jaebum,             If you are reading this right now. Then I am truly sorry. I have passed away. It slowly ate me, Jaebum. Everyday. I didn’t tell you.. but it hurt. I was suffocating inside, it was hard to breathe. I felt like I was just forcing myself to breathe, because I love being with you. I didn’t want to do this, trust me. But I got sick of those anti-depressant pills! I stopped taking them a few months ago. I wanted to know how it would feel without taking it everyday. I wanted to be truly happy without them. Taking them everyday left me nauseous. It was like I  faked being happy, I’m not saying that I wasn’t happy whenever we’re together, I was!  I love you, so so much that I fought it this long. The pain I felt got worse everyday that I spent most nights crying silently. I felt lonely, isolated, like I didn’t belong. The voices in my head didn’t help either. I lost the fight Jaebum, but that doesn’t mean you can follow me, I encourage you to live like how I wanted to live. Jaebum wiped his tears, “H-how can I live without you, i-idiot.” He snorted. He took notice of the smudges of ink on some words. Youngjae must’ve been crying while writing this. I know things will be difficult, I don’t expect you to get over it soon. But please live. For me. I really wanted to stay, but it got too much and I was sick of it. Maybe I didn’t fight back enough, maybe I should’ve seek help… but I didn’t. My death is not your fault, it’s mine. Take care Jaebum, I love you to the moon and back, and I’m sorry again. Stop crying, you’ll look ugly.. gosh, i love you so much also, Happy Anniversary My Precious Bummie <3 - Your hubby, Youngjae Youngjae’s letter was wet due to Jaebum’s tears, he curled up on the hospital bed, sticking the letter towards his chest. “I’m sorry. don’t worry my love, I’ll see you soon. You won’t ever feel lonely again.”  

Hewwo! I am Jane! First of all, I like reading + writing angst.  I like making edits when i am free. I am a 2jae and yugjae enthusiast! (honestly hmu with any ship)  I ship myself with watermelon (ik im weird) #watermelonjane and I love youngjae :D I love a lot of kpop groups :) EXO & GOT7 are my ult groups :3 i love coffee and hot choco~ i love the people whom i talk to everyday! uhhhh idk what to say anymore... i’m weird and i cry a lot and laugh a lot. Thank you haha okay bye. cr. pictures on header do not belong to me (& forgot where i found them)

[yaminerua]

I don’t get it....

I was worried we were drifting apart and something in the vibe had changed

And while this wasn’t the cause of that it definitely highlighted a feeling of loneliness that wouldn’t shift at the very sudden change to spending hours getting immersed in games with other people and seeming to just forget I exist for almost whole days at a time. Sometimes not even the usual goodnight or good morning anymore. And it’s such a small thing that it should be a non issue because that’s not an obligation or requirement but it was a consistent pattern for 2 and a bit years and now its not and it absence is unsettling sonehow.

and I mean all that in and of itself isn’t a problem at all because yeah we all have our own lives and balancing things can be hard and when you get really into a game time just vanishes. Like I totally get that and I’ve never had a problem with it when similar stuff happened before. Cos it’s just normal.

but idk with the whole vibe changing lately it felt starker somehow. And I feel cold and lonely where it didn’t make me feel that way before.

i didn’t know if it was something I’d done or not. If it was actual avoidance or just getting too caught up.

and I don’t ever want to be someone who sounds too ‘me, me, me’ or demand all of someone’s attention because no that’s not healthy. And I didn’t want to say ‘hey I’ve been feeling extra lonely and kind of forgotten lately and maybe it’s just my brain spewing insecurities because it’s a year since I last saw you and the long gap feels like it’s changed something and I’m just Worried’ because I didn’t want to like.. push or make something of it. Or worry them with doubts or be the one to plant that seed of doubt in the first place

so for more than a month now it seems I’m just. Sitting going ‘no worries’ and avoiding bringing it up just in case everything is fine and my brain is just blowing it out of proportion

but no the drifting apart worry seems to be mutual and im Just... kicking myself because I didn’t say anything sooner before it could fester as long as it has

they’ve been worrying themselves sick too and I’m so worried that I’m not... doing them any good anymore

i never wanted anyone to feel bad over me and yet it happened anyway

I don’t feel like I’ve changed the way I act or feel... but i Think it’s the distance and continued uncertainty of this eternal lockdown cycle that’s messing things up.

I won’t be going to cons even when they do eventually start up again because my household is too vulnerable to dare risk bringing the virus in. And likewise travelling is probably not on the near future agenda for a long while too...

which... makes it seem like this is doomed to flicker out and die because I can’t be there. and hhhh

i don’t know what to do. It feels like water through my fingertips.

we finally talked about how it feels and i thought we were gonna try to get back some normal routine. But again hours of nothing leaving me wanting to cry because it feels like it’s Already Happening in slow motion.

behind the scenes they’re unhappy with this situation. And I’m worried I’m gonna continue making them unhappy being so far away and unable to travel. Like if the pressure of trying to maintain this in this world situation has become more of a strain than anything else and it sucks so much

I don’t want to but it feels like the end is on the horizon and Idk... I feel like I can’t stop it from coming because the situation is out of my control and it seems cruel to make someone keep waiting for something that has no clear chance of happening anytime soon...

like is it kinder to let go and let someone go back to not having the weight of those wishes and expectations anymore. Have I become just an emotional burden being So far away and not being able to physically reassure the insecurities away...

I don’t know...

i feel like as soon as that talk happened my heart already broke itself and I’m just waiting for the inevitable. Like it’s already started preparing itself to face it when it comes.

but I don’t want it to...

[fertile-delirium-blog]

You know, everything I ever worked towards, care about, love or have been lucky to come across or been given an opportunity to, I’ve always gotten to a point where I fuck everything up realise where I went wrong or what I keep getting told I do or am and honestly everyone I ever believed enough to let in and be a bit of the real me or all of the real me, since I was little, I been trying to run from this sadness that I later found out is developed or called depression that I realise, I’ve never understood it, I never thought id have mental illness and I ran, I denied for so long.. people telling me I need help, I had a system that worked, a system that never allowed me to be verbally honest with anyone enough to actually get to know me , without the fear and what ifs that I now know is anxiety, funny I never really, really knew what it was but turns out the two together destroy my life, ever since high school, ive wanted to continually improve myself no matter what anyone said and the same time I maintained an image where I made myself make everyone view me the opposite of what I felt I was, when im angry, im actually upset, I made myself seem like I was okay enough n making it on my own so people wouldn’t view me as weak or a being who needed sympathy or attention or some street kid goimg nowhere when really, for too long all I wanted was to find where I belong n do what in my heart I felt n feel like will come back, be music that expresses things I can’t say or feels weird coming out of this mouth that isnt mine, dont feel right. Communication.. something ive never had real, experience with.. was mainly mute other than my outward image for my protection and other peoples shit for so many years before I met her, she made me want to talk, opened up n be the me I feel I am on the inside, but, how easy did I really think it was gonna be? …a lot easier than it was/is.. I’ve always been a lone wolf.. why did I think I could have a family life like that when… I convinced myself with this act I was over shit I wasn’t, that was my fuck up this is all before I fell in love and its funny… it’s a boy cries wolf story, she loved me.. I loved her but something in me didn’t let me properly love her the way I should’ve but if I knew then what I know, my god things would be different and this is what I was afraid of.. completely giving in to her that… I wouldn’t care about myself as much just wanted to make her n kids happy, that’s what made me happy that’s the reason for my being as the opportunity to do so after terrible things n times had us far away for a long time and realised that they the family I chose to have n m sorry I let you all down I’m sorry my bpd, bipolar depressive states is what im trying to focus on to gwt better, since I actually believed everyone but 18 years of unsaid, undealt with and put away in the black box f nothing, isn’t easy to unfold , realise grow, accept, change, love, heal myself and be what was wanted or needed to best of my ability, truth is with her, this focus on making my life a certain way disappeared, never thought it would happen.. i want to do n cater n help n just be n do or try to what it s she wanted if me, I tried I fucked up in the beginning, but still pay to this day.. sigh the balance of who I on the inside is out of whack n has changed.. I don’t think anyone ever did I thought I showed n expressed enough to understand, I guess, if im too sick to love I shouldn’t get on the way of where she wants to go n do, its a shame really, right girl wrong time, don’t care if we were meant to be or not the universe chose you that I loved that much I wanted to make a life, thins I did out of spite, jealousy, anger, major depressive states too much drugs or too long on drugs wasn’t really me, the me I thought you knew n loved was that you made me happy, only person to do that that’s not my siblings.. then there are your beautiful kids I’ve let down too many times.. idk what made me think I deserved you 3.. maybe the fact that I was hoping we all changed n we were happy, we were, that’s not fantasy, we had some great, great times ill never let go of wanted my career I chased for since I was a kid n ended up getting n wanted to have the normal family as well but I chose them in the end n always will but I gotta keep away for her, for them.. every time I get into this stupid certain major depressive state.. I do things to make it harder on myself but you know what the problem is.. the real me is hidden in a cube within and I can see everything.. and that’s not the real me. That’s something dark attached to me that wants to keep me hidden away.. so how do I defeat this other person I’m watching from the inside take over a beautiful physical being I don’t feel is mine and causing such pain for both her, I and my ex gf and her kids and tearing everything that’s mine (the inside) and hers(outside) causing such hate n was for each other n causes such distress for those who actually love me.. I would like you, any of you to hold my hand throughout me getting better.. but I also know I’ve had my times with help n no help n I run away.. I know how hard it is for anyone to love me.. or be there for me I want all to be happy n move on with their lives get And do things the deserve.. I don’t wanna hold anyone back jus because they care.. I’ve been alone since I was little.. may as well stay alone to the end.. cant bear to love.. there’s only her I will never have kids, it’ll always be them, don’t want to cause pain because I’m hard to love because I’m sad with myself n wanna make you happy same time.. god how did I get here.. I got nothing n no one.. at all n all I had before her was a dream I made into reality then set bar higher only to fall that fucking hard to be half the reason I hate myself and before that tried to be an accepted part of my family n moved on to my dream knowing my family will never know.. what ive felt, how low I sank at the age of 8, understand or acce ppl t me enough.. the most truth I can give them is that I want to die cos im not good enough for this world.. items are not feelings, being raped and beaten for 5 yrs of my childhood n being too scared to tell anyone due to death threats then once it comes into the open is apologetic and sad for then my mum gets angry at me cos she cant accept it sober,.. I do blame him.. but I also know that its my fault ive let him win and affect me as a person n how I grow for so long and being told o can do something bout it going to yoir mum n her telling me its no use they wont find anything too late to be then told 5 yrs later that, I can still do something about it.. and I havent.. all these little bits and pieces make sense from the moment of my mums impregnation to now that maybe, just maybe I was never supposed to have been born.. I don’t belong on this world, I was an unwanted mistake that had no friends got bullied, raped, beaten as a child to getting away from that man that is your brothers dad also and my brother ended up being my best friend mid teens to not even know what a friend is other than knowing not to let anyone know the bad I been through and alone.. always have been alone no one sees the me that stands behind this beautiful, sad but always fake smiling so i don’t seem so broken shell of mine.. no one can hear me but the people in my head and none of them want to let me out.. guess I don’t deserve anything else but being alone trying to fight people I can only hear.. if I used to see any of them..when I did see silhouetted bodies before I had too many drugs and certain.. things went away.. im sorry I blocked you out.. oh silhouetted bodies I miss you.. as scary as it would be sometimes.. you always helped me be strong enough for the next step, if it is you that torments me today.. why? And if it isn’t.. is it just mental illness?. Or is it so much more than that..

Was I killed or kill myself too early in past life I went straight through to this one??.. from the moment I was born I was not meant to exist.. im sorry to the people who love and care for me… none of you will see me again.. ill save you all the energy, the stress and the pain I’ve previously caused due to my own mind and my feelings but know if you could hear me.. not this voice of mine verbally.. but if you or i could translate it or if you could hear my inside voice I promise that all would be understandable.. no confusion, no bullshit, no actions I didnt make but she or they did.. they just want to break me.. all but one laugh at me, mock me, talk to me and then to her on the outside as a fucking game or to make us continually clash and that ruins me, my ex gf, and well because of all that I distanced from kids when asked.. and have gotten so far it breaks my god damn heart.. gonna be like my brother, like my sister.. cant be apart of their life, cant watch them grow but silently love all 3 of them silently from afar.. I don’t want anyone to love me and I don’t want to love anymore than I already do as long these people and depression n whatever else they say I got continues to win this fight.. hopefully at the moment.. they make m e want to die. For silence, no more memories, feelings and they make it known that this is not my body.. I a excluded from all beings.. even the one I reside in.. no support. Don’t want friends, don’t want family.. I just wish I could’ve gotten better for the ones I love and who love me.. im sorry .. I dont want a life anymore. I really realize .. I was not meant to.. I hope that everyone I love will hate me, already does,or will and can forget me.. I did have some real, real hapy good times with you mum, lola, jaiden, mia, rachele, LJh and TRh.. sorry Ive said and done some fucked up things and I hope if you do remember or think of me it wont always be bad because I had and was a genuine happy and fun girl at times. Especially with you guys. And im sorry if you guys dont know which ones are real and fake..im sorry .. I wanna get better but realising I was never meant to be here,n if I was it was to be alone n silent I was right tho.. im not here to have a life for me or make one for myself nd hurt people in process. I love in times of darkness and undenying voices… I dont need your care.. I dont want you to feel sorry I just hope when you think back on me maybe.. youll see the peaks of the inside me get let put due to the help from my outside n i ts something we don’t n wont talk bout..I wont make anyone put up with me just because they are or I am loved. Not anymore.. I love you all.. hope everyone gets what the want and deserve. And to the parents of whos kids I love as my own then just fucking distanced due to how I am not thinking boit if or how itd affect them.. im sorry fo all the wrong ive done by them but know how happy and grateful I am for you guys bringing them into this world.. we all know im shit at doing what im supposed to and moat times I was shit to them.. I dlnt k know if i t was noticeable but I did try.. but thank you for letting be apart of that and being “snips”.. and giving me a chance to love them and treat them like my own I wish I did better with all of you, their family, my family im sorry whatever this thing is im just sorry I ruined some good things and hurt people I love n who love me.. never again.

I love you all.. I feel like I didnt get to say it all.. but, o can’t keep crying.. I been typing for 2 hrs… I will be making another account and this will be my lalst post as mariah elrington. To the world and the people I love… im sorry. I hope ypu forgive me and see the good person I always tried to be I will love yo and appreciate you all forever.. im sorry that since I came to world I was doomed to be nothing but a problem but I swear.. I swear on everything… I always try to be better but fall harder.. doing this on my own and voices, my thoughts and the opinion of those who love me see the opposite to what im doing or how I am.. its really hard.. ive never done it this mentally tough before.. well on drugs trippin on non real stuff but this.. this is real life and for once, I dont have anyone to talk to even on a vague level.. not even a pen and paper.. this, this is all so o guess thank you tumblr idk how worst id be without you ..I love you all… this is the fkn truth.. I never meant for it any of it to be als bad as they are between my two families I love. I hope you can get it right, now without me, the problem, the burden,.the dralin and be happy I meam that from thr deep.side of my heart, I really hope I haven’t fucked it enough you wont recover.. but I may be a bit over my head.. they won’t care.. I mean they will for a short time,, but will be happy not long after no Im not saying im gonna kill myself, we all know I can’t. But none of you will see or hear from me again.. because I love you. And I love you alll im deeply sorry I couldn’t express or show it enough for that you guys to believe that a whole lot or know the extent of how much with how ive been but ti my blood family and made family… I love you all so much its because of you gus im doing this for you other wise ill never leave y'all alone cos I need y'all but can’t and won’t hurt anyone but myself anymore.. almost 3 hrs writing.. I still got more to say but gonna leave it there.. god damn it,I love you and I do hope my whole family have a good life n im sorry I ruined the parts of it that I did but be worry free I dont want anyone trying to reach out to me after this. Wil be ignored or unseen..

I love my families and im sorry I couldn’t get it right to be good enough well enough to not negatively affect you.

Have a great life, drink, party, love do the things you want and think o f me as okay if it helps just please,if you love me dont ever get worried.. dont ever assume anything just be be fucking happy, experience, travel, grow Chase dreams.. trust, they are possible no matter situation, lonliness or head space,long as you believe youre gonna.make i t real and do what you gptta to make it gappen, if some like me not even suppose to be alive can do it, you strong, smart beautiful family of mine I believe in you.. to all of you every age. and each everyone of you deserve it. The good fun or happy life with its obvious small obstacles that isn’t as stressful or hard t fix asits been as of late..

I am sorry. I love nd appreciate you all. And you will all always be in my mind And my hearts im sorry im too mental im sorry for all ive done.

I love you all.

Goodbye forever.. all 7 of you ill love always. Pls keep the good bout me in your hearts if you can’t forget. I miss you all like crazy wish I could see you all again to give a goodbye hug.. but a visioned one is gonna have to do. Know that’s the last thing youd recieve from me if that were the case.

Goodbye my precious family I loved dearly but took for granted and couldnt get better.. im sorry I put you all through so much. I really am I wish all of you could see how much love I got for each and everyone of you cos I know I didnt do that good of a job to make sure it was known but I hope it is not.. love you please be happy for me too, if its worth anything to any of you, cos idk how long it'll take to feel it again.

Goodbye fams.

-Mariah Elrington