#nerua vents

[yaminerua]

I don’t get it....

I was worried we were drifting apart and something in the vibe had changed

And while this wasn’t the cause of that it definitely highlighted a feeling of loneliness that wouldn’t shift at the very sudden change to spending hours getting immersed in games with other people and seeming to just forget I exist for almost whole days at a time. Sometimes not even the usual goodnight or good morning anymore. And it’s such a small thing that it should be a non issue because that’s not an obligation or requirement but it was a consistent pattern for 2 and a bit years and now its not and it absence is unsettling sonehow.

and I mean all that in and of itself isn’t a problem at all because yeah we all have our own lives and balancing things can be hard and when you get really into a game time just vanishes. Like I totally get that and I’ve never had a problem with it when similar stuff happened before. Cos it’s just normal.

but idk with the whole vibe changing lately it felt starker somehow. And I feel cold and lonely where it didn’t make me feel that way before.

i didn’t know if it was something I’d done or not. If it was actual avoidance or just getting too caught up.

and I don’t ever want to be someone who sounds too ‘me, me, me’ or demand all of someone’s attention because no that’s not healthy. And I didn’t want to say ‘hey I’ve been feeling extra lonely and kind of forgotten lately and maybe it’s just my brain spewing insecurities because it’s a year since I last saw you and the long gap feels like it’s changed something and I’m just Worried’ because I didn’t want to like.. push or make something of it. Or worry them with doubts or be the one to plant that seed of doubt in the first place

so for more than a month now it seems I’m just. Sitting going ‘no worries’ and avoiding bringing it up just in case everything is fine and my brain is just blowing it out of proportion

but no the drifting apart worry seems to be mutual and im Just... kicking myself because I didn’t say anything sooner before it could fester as long as it has

they’ve been worrying themselves sick too and I’m so worried that I’m not... doing them any good anymore

i never wanted anyone to feel bad over me and yet it happened anyway

I don’t feel like I’ve changed the way I act or feel... but i Think it’s the distance and continued uncertainty of this eternal lockdown cycle that’s messing things up.

I won’t be going to cons even when they do eventually start up again because my household is too vulnerable to dare risk bringing the virus in. And likewise travelling is probably not on the near future agenda for a long while too...

which... makes it seem like this is doomed to flicker out and die because I can’t be there. and hhhh

i don’t know what to do. It feels like water through my fingertips.

we finally talked about how it feels and i thought we were gonna try to get back some normal routine. But again hours of nothing leaving me wanting to cry because it feels like it’s Already Happening in slow motion.

behind the scenes they’re unhappy with this situation. And I’m worried I’m gonna continue making them unhappy being so far away and unable to travel. Like if the pressure of trying to maintain this in this world situation has become more of a strain than anything else and it sucks so much

I don’t want to but it feels like the end is on the horizon and Idk... I feel like I can’t stop it from coming because the situation is out of my control and it seems cruel to make someone keep waiting for something that has no clear chance of happening anytime soon...

like is it kinder to let go and let someone go back to not having the weight of those wishes and expectations anymore. Have I become just an emotional burden being So far away and not being able to physically reassure the insecurities away...

I don’t know...

i feel like as soon as that talk happened my heart already broke itself and I’m just waiting for the inevitable. Like it’s already started preparing itself to face it when it comes.

but I don’t want it to...

[bleclercq]

Le renouveau de Bilbao

Abando, le centre commercial et financier de Bilbao, en Espagne, est une charmante enclave habitée par les résidents les plus riches de la ville. Le quartier du Pays Basque, qui ne fait que 82 kilomètres carrés, se trouve sur la rive gauche de l'estuaire de Bilbao. Aménagé sur un quadrillage de boulevards rectilignes, il abrite près de 51000 personnes, selon le recensement de 2016, Comme le reste de la ville, Abando, qui abrite le musée Guggenheim de Bilbao, s'est réinventé. Plus: Les ventes de maisons de luxe en Espagne augmentent de 40% au troisième trimestre Bilbao a subi une grande transformation depuis les années 1980 », a déclaré Javier Irizar, co-fondateur de la société immobilière Immobiliaria Irizar. Elle est passée d'une ville purement industrielle, avec tous les problèmes que la révolution industrielle a engendrés dans de nombreuses villes européennes, notamment la pollution, la saleté et l'urbanisme chaotique, à une ville qui a remporté plusieurs prix pour sa bonne gestion, sa propreté et sa durabilité. Elle est passée d'une ville industrielle à une ville de services. » Il a ajouté que bien que certaines des anciennes structures d'Abando aient été rasées pour faire place à des immeubles de bureaux dans les années 1960 et 1970, elles conservent la majesté des bâtiments construits entre la fin du XIXe siècle et le début du XXe siècle par la bourgeoisie de Gascogne. . " Limites Abando, qui s'appelait autrefois San Vicente de Abando, est l'un des huit districts de Bilbao. Sur les côtés nord et est, Abando, qui se trouve dans la province de Vizcaya, est délimitée par l'estuaire du fleuve de la ville. La rue Sabino Arana Etorbidea est à l'ouest et la rue Autonomia Kalea est au sud. Échelle des prix Il n'y a pas de maisons unifamiliales à Abando, et les unités dans les immeubles multifamiliaux coûtent en moyenne entre 6 000 et 10 000 € (6 640 $ US à 11 060 $ US) le mètre carré, selon M. Irizar. Les 50 premiers mètres carrés sont les plus chers », a-t-il déclaré. Les mètres carrés supplémentaires sont moins chers, donc une unité de 100 mètres carrés n'est pas le double du prix d'une unité de 50 mètres carrés. » Stock de logements Il y a une variété d'immeubles à appartements à Abando de différents âges et styles. Certains ont entre 100 et 120 ans », a déclaré M. Irizar. Et certains datent des années 1920. Les nouveaux bâtiments - ceux qui ont été construits au cours des 10 dernières années, ont des commodités comme des espaces de stationnement et des salles d'entreposage. Il n'y a pas beaucoup de ces nouveaux bâtiments. » Il a ajouté qu'il n'y a que quelques nouveaux bâtiments de 20 étages ou plus. La plupart des bâtiments, a-t-il dit, ne font que six à huit étages. La Gran Vía de Don Diego López de Haro est l'avenue principale de la ville de Bilbao, au Pays Basque. Tommie Hansen / Wikipedia Ce qui le rend unique Appelant Abando le cœur battant de Bilbao », Mark Stücklin, analyste de marché, propriétaire de la société espagnole d'information immobilière, a déclaré que les commerces et les entreprises du quartier, tous à distance de marche de ses rues résidentielles, en font l'endroit idéal. pour un style de vie de luxe. Abando est la réponse de Bilbao au quartier Eixample de Barcelone », a-t-il déclaré. Il a été développé à la même époque, au tournant du siècle précédent. Comme l'Eixample, la disposition est rationnelle et géométrique, contrairement à la vieille ville higgledy-piggledy avec son dédale de ruelles étroites. La limite du fleuve au nord et à l'est, avec sa promenade au bord du fleuve, offre de l'espace et de l'eau comme élément naturel qui améliore la vie dans le quartier. » Il a ajouté que si les résidents décident en effet de s'aventurer hors de ses frontières, ils disposent d'un moyen de transport élégant - l'une des stations de métro les plus modernes et les plus huppées d'Espagne, avec des stations conçues par la firme d'architecte Norman Foster. » La station de métro conçue par Norman Foster à Abando, Bilbao, Espagne. Ayhan Altun / Getty Images M. Irizar a déclaré que la beauté d'Abando est un facteur primordial de sa popularité parmi les plus aisés. C'était un village avant de faire partie de la ville de Bilbao », a-t-il déclaré. Et il conserve toujours son charme d'origine. Il est bien conservé et possède de nombreux bâtiments anciens. » Il a dit qu'il est proche de tout - les restaurants et les magasins sont accessibles à pied. C'est un endroit facile pour les piétons », a-t-il déclaré. Il y a des parcs et des places. Les rues ont beaucoup de lumière et elles sont plus larges que celles du village d'origine. » Abando a une abondance de restaurants stellaires et de boutiques haut de gamme intéressantes. Comme chacun le sait, le Pays basque est le meilleur endroit au monde pour la gastronomie », a déclaré M. Irizar. La culture basque est intimement liée à la nourriture, et à Abando, vous avez de grandes offres gastronomiques, des célèbres «pintxos», qui sont de petites bouchées de plats très élaborés, à plusieurs restaurants avec plusieurs étoiles Michelin. La chose importante pour le visiteur qui a un très petit budget est que pour moins de 15 €, vous pouvez manger de manière fantastique dans de nombreux endroits. ” Pour la cuisine basque traditionnelle, M. Irizar recommande El Arandia de Julen Jatetxea, Amaren et Lasa. L'un des établissements emblématiques du quartier est l'Abando, un bar-restaurant familial ouvert depuis 1983. Il se situe entre les stations de métro Moyua et Abando, ce qui en fait un endroit idéal pour que les habitants s'arrêtent pour prendre un café, des déjeuners tranquilles, dîners élégants et / ou boissons nocturnes. Tout le monde à Bilbao sort boire un verre, que ce soit du vin ou de la bière, avec des amis », a déclaré M. Irizar. Les barres servent des pintxos, de petites collations comme du jambon ou du chorizo ​​servies avec du pain et des olives dans de minuscules assiettes. Une tradition basque, ce sont des tapas. » Pour ceux qui ont plus d'appétit et de budget, il y a plusieurs restaurants étoilés au guide Michelin, dont Nerua, le restaurant de fruits de mer et de légumes du musée Guggenheim de Bilbao qui est n ° 32 sur la liste des 50 meilleurs restaurants du monde; et l'Atelier Etxanobe, qui sert une cuisine contemporaine ancrée dans des recettes traditionnelles. Abando a encore un certain nombre de magasins traditionnels qui se trouvent dans le quartier depuis le début du 20e siècle. À la boutique de Juan Manuel, la mode masculine élégante est exposée comme de l'art dans une galerie; d'éminents athlètes et hommes d'affaires prospères viennent chercher des marques comme Armani et Ermenegildo Zegna. Pour les marques nationales et internationales de chaussures, la tête bien nantie de Calzados Alonso, qui a été créé il y a 40 ans. Depuis son ouverture en 1997, le Musée Guggenheim de Bilbao, conçu par l'architecte star basé à Los Angeles Frank Gehry, a attiré autant l'attention que les œuvres d'art contemporain et moderne qu'il contient. Recouvert de titane, le bâtiment ondulé ressemble à une sculpture géante et définit presque l'horizon de la ville. Sculpture de maman par Louise Bourgeois, Musée Guggenheim, Bilbao, Espagne. Images éducatives / Contributeur / Universal Images Group via Getty Images Le musée des beaux-arts de Bilbao, qui se trouve dans le parc Doña Casilda Iturrizar, possède des collections d'art basque, espagnol et européen de l'époque médiévale �� l'époque contemporaine, y compris des œuvres d'El Greco, Goya, Murillo, Mary Cassatt, Paul Gauguin, Francis Bacon et Richard Serra. Le parc lui-même est un jardin de style anglais centenaire qui présente des arbres spécimens, un étang à canards, un grand espace de concert et une fontaine où des spectacles de lumière et de son sont organisés. Plus: Mamer du Luxembourg offre des espaces verts, de courts trajets et une école privée très en demande C'est le parc le plus emblématique de la ville », a déclaré M. Irizar. L'Etxebarria, un parc à flanc de colline qui a été construit sur une ancienne zone industrielle, offre une belle vue sur la ville et entretient l'une des grandes cheminées en briques de Caravista », a déclaré la société qui dirigeait l'usine sur le terrain avant sa conversion. Les autres attractions d'Abando incluent le Biribila ou Circular Plaza, qui présente une statue de Don Diego López de Haro, un philanthrope de Bilbao du XIIIe siècle, au centre; le palais de la délégation de Biscaye, le manoir orné et rempli d'art du XIXe siècle qui abrite la branche exécutive du gouvernement de Gascogne; le Théâtre Campos Elíseos, un édifice Art Nouveau de 1902 surnommé The Chocolate Box qui est un espace de spectacle pouvant accueillir 800 personnes; et la Plaza de Federico Moyúa ou la place elliptique, un lieu de rassemblement populaire qui a été construit dans les années 1940 et dispose d'une fontaine et de parterres de fleurs. Le pont Zubizuri, conçu par l'architecte star Santiago Calatrava, est une autre icône notée d'Abando. Reliant les rives droite et gauche de la rivière Nervión, il est devenu une voie d'accès pratique des hôtels au musée Guggenheim de Bilbao. Inaugurée en 1997, la magnifique structure qui définit l'horizon avec le pont en briques de verre est peinte en blanc, ce que signifie son nom en basque. Le Colegio de los Escolapios privé accueille les élèves de la maternelle à l'école secondaire. Fondée en 1887, La Salle Bilbao est un établissement de maternelle à l'enseignement secondaire basque. L'Université de Deusto, une université jésuite privée vieille de 130 ans, a un campus dans le quartier qui compte 9 000 étudiants. L'éducation a toujours été une valeur très importante dans la société basque », a déclaré M. Irizar, notant que ces derniers temps, les écoles privées ont proliféré juste à l'extérieur de Bilbao. En général, presque tous les étudiants de Bilbao étudient en basque. » Abando a toujours attiré les personnes les plus riches de Bilbao. Il a été développé par de riches familles locales et abrite de nombreux professionnels et familles aisés de la ville », a déclaré M. Stücklin. Il a un sentiment très local, et contrairement à Barcelone, Bilbao n'a pas été la cible des acheteurs de résidences secondaires de l'étranger. » M. Irizar a souligné que les familles riches déplaçaient traditionnellement toute leur famille à Abando, où elles occupaient souvent différents étages du même bâtiment. Il a déclaré que la population vieillissant, les riches de la province de Vizcaya réduisaient leurs effectifs et déménageaient à Abando. Ils quittent le pays pour la ville », a-t-il dit. Ils veulent être dans un endroit où il leur est plus facile de vivre. » Il a ajouté qu'en raison de cette tendance, une partie importante de la population a plus de 60 ans. Il y a des familles, mais il n'y a pas beaucoup d'enfants ici », a-t-il dit. Selon M. Irizar, plusieurs joueurs de football de l'Athletic Bilbao, dont le défenseur central Iñigo Martínez Berridi et le capitaine de l'équipe Iker Muniain Goñi, vivent à Abando. Perspective Au troisième trimestre 2019, le prix du logement à Bilbao, qui était en moyenne de 2165 € par mètre carré, a affiché une augmentation d'une année sur l'autre de 1%, selon The Price of Living in Bilbao », selon un rapport de la société d'expertise et d'évaluation TINSA. Cela dit, jusqu'à présent cette année, le logement s'est déprécié de 2,5% dans la ville par rapport à la fin de l'année précédente », selon le rapport. En 2018, les données cumulées à cette période de l'année reflétaient une augmentation de 2,7% par rapport à l'année précédente. La valeur moyenne des maisons à Bilbao a atteint son maximum historique au quatrième trimestre 2007. Depuis lors, le prix a subi un ajustement cumulatif à la baisse de 41,8%. » Selon le rapport de TINSA sur les marchés locaux pour le troisième trimestre 2019, les propriétés mettent en moyenne 6,7 mois à vendre au Pays Basque. M. Stücklin a déclaré que l'immobilier à Abando a profité des efforts de Bilbao pour se réinventer en tant que ville moderne dont l'industrie s'est recentrée sur les machines-outils, les sociétés d'énergie et la technologie. Bilbao a une économie forte, une main-d'œuvre qualifiée et l'un des taux de chômage les plus bas d'Espagne », a-t-il déclaré. Malgré les hauts et les bas du cycle économique, il y a toujours une demande fiable de logements dans le quartier d'Abando, car il est situé au centre, propre, toujours plus vert et bien ordonné avec de bonnes communications et équipements. » Il a ajouté que la propriété à Abando ressemble à un investissement solide dans un marché avec une bonne liquidité »et a déclaré que le Zorrotzaurre, le projet de réaménagement urbain de 207 acres juste à côté qui est toujours en cours de réalisation, est un énorme atout. Le projet, qui se trouve sur une île artificielle dans l'estuaire de Bilbao, transformera un site industriel abandonné en un quartier urbain à usage mixte comprenant des développements de luxe, des logements sociaux / abordables, un parc d'affaires respectueux de l'environnement et des centres culturels et de loisirs. À long terme », a-t-il dit, ce projet pourrait apporter une valeur ajoutée à l'ensemble de la région.» M. Irizar a déclaré que même si Abando, comme le reste de l'Espagne, a souffert pendant la crise économique mondiale de l'immobilier de 2007, elle a commencé à rebondir en 2014.

[yaminerua]

Y’all I am seriously not having a good time rn

And like yeah literally no-one is because this year is a fucking disaster but god..... I feel like I’m getting backed onto the edge of a cliff by stress...

I’m sorry I’ve been slow with commissions and barely got any new art done but man I just don’t have the emotional or physical energy to...

This year has been one year after another of stressful or upsetting things even just in my personal life alone and that’s not even INCLUDING the state of the world and everything else going on...

Like god my papa died this year and I knew he was going to eventually because cancer is a fucking Bitch but it happened faster than anyone thought only a few days before the UK’s lockdown was finally put in place. So I couldn’t go to the funeral. But my aunt had said even before we knew we wouldn’t be allowed that if my brother and I showed up there’d be a war. Because of all the Stupid Family Nonsense that has just been swirling and bubbling and frothing over the years. My gran is torn between wanting me to visit cos I’d be good company and hating my guts because of all the Shit that’s happened.

I dunno how to abridge it... it’s mostly them rewriting history or just straight up misinterpreting the ways or reasons things happened and pinning it all on my dad, his family, and my and my brother instead of the actual people who fucked everything up, those being the crooked lawyers who fucked us over 20 years ago, my mum after her meltdown changed her into a horrible person and her family who tried to gaslight, kidnap, blackmail and manipulate us all the fuckin way.

We were terrified of them because they tried to kidnap us and keep us from dad, tried to lie to us and change the way events unfolded by telling us completely false versions of events despite the fact we were present for most of them and they absolutely did not play out the way they wanted us to believe. Tried to brainwash us against my dad and his family and then turned around and tried to say that him and his family were trying to brainwash us against THEM.

So much distress and upset happened whenever we visited and other things happened that were just plain terrifying fear-for-our-lives shit that we just. Didn’t feel safe going over anymore. But they refuse to accept that. And think we just cut them off and abandoned them (which is rich since actually the cutting off happened from their end first but, again, they loooove to rewrite history).

So all of that mess is being continuously dug up to guilt trip us and make us feel bad because our cousins hate us, my aunt Despises us, and my gran wobbles in between of wanting to see us and also despising us too.

I made an effort to rebuild the bridges that had been burnt because I wanted my papa to know I didn’t hate him and that I wanted him to see me again and know that an effort was being made to patch things up because I knew that was what he wanted. And he never deserved to have been cut off from us. It was the women in the family who were being the assholes and he was just for the most part caught up in it.

He was so happy to see me and happy to think the family was beginning to come together again. Unfortunately his daughter and her sons do not respect his wishes. And my mum flip flops because she’s still affected by what happened to her more than 15 years ago. Her head got so messed up by all the legal stress and the brainwashing from her mum and sister that she just. Doesn’t remember what was real or what was false anymore. But also won’t ever listen to our side because it’s Wrong By Default.

So we ‘abandoned’ her in her eyes and she will Always try to Remind us. of that and all the other bullshit she wants us to believe.

My phone anxiety is directly related to her and Now I have to talk to her everyday because my papa’s death unfortunately opened up the communications that I’d forced closed for years to protect my own mental health.

But this year has just been ‘fuck your mental health’ so. naturally that wish gets kicked out the window and the phone can’t be refused anymore.

Sometimes the calls are ok. She talks about herself for 2 hours and then that’s it. other times it becomes a rant, an attempt to convince, an attempt to deliberately make me feel awful and Oh Boy is she Good At That. And I can’t hang up on her because that pisses her off More and then she’ll write a horrible email to my brother where she tries to pull the same shit on him and I refuse to have him have to deal with that because for SOME FUCKIN REASON she only pulls this shit on the phone with me and NEVER DOES THIS TO HIM.

God. Why.

Anyway that’s just one thing that’s persistent and continuous. And I make myself sadder about it watching old home videos we found from 20 years ago. One of them I’d never seen was the literal day I was born and it.... it shook me so much I broke down watching it. It’s like watching good days, innocent days when all seemed well, knowing the future and how wretched and awful and deeply traumatising the years ahead are for that little kid who has no idea what’s awaiting them.

Cue lockdown and my dad and brother and I are looking after my granny. She had a stroke 2 years ago, hit her head on a cabinet and had constant UTIs for months and then had another stroke last year and as a result her mind is foggier than it used to be and her mobility isn’t what it was so she requires a lot of constant watch and care.

None of this is her fault, but I’m just not built for the long-run in a carer position. The first year put me into a meltdown, and I had another worse one last year and I was dreading if there would be one this year because I’d felt so on-edge and burnt out.

And then lockdown happened and the chances to get away for a bit of respite to recharge my batteries went out the window. Dad had no help to balance his work calls which sometimes went on all day, and granny. Other than me, but for reasons I have yet to finally have an answer for, my body has just been having problem after problem that leaves me drained and/or in pain and less able to do the physical help I was doing before. Doing the cooking and washing up to take it off dad, and getting up to keep an eye on granny or help her with personal care like I used to.

I’ve had this goddamn pain that doctors haven’t been able to find a diagnosis for since April now and it’s just become more and more limiting and I’m on a waiting list to get referred and god only knows when that will actually end up happening.

Doctors suggested it might have been stress that brought it on and the response to that is usually to reduce stressors but like. My life is the stressor so idk how to fix that. I can’t get away because guilt and stress over dad having to handle it all would follow me anywhere I went anyway even if i COULD go somewhere else for a break.

My uncles aren’t very helpful either. One makes excuses not to come and help and the other WILL go on a throwing out spree if he was to come in and I cannot trust him to not throw out important sentimental stuff without a second thought as to whether it was wanted because he’s done that before.

Plus that one has had his own health scares and even had a bit of a mental health crisis in the middle of the year which was probably brought on by the isolation and distancing stuff lockdown brought about.

One major contributor to the daily stress was the nagging worry that there was gonna be a Major Event this year that hadn’t happened yet. There’ve been major events that put granny is hospital without fail every year for the past... 4 but maybe even 5 years. It felt inevitable. But also terrifying because hospital felt like the worst place for her to go this year with all the virus stuff happening...

We had carers coming in to help with her but they weren’t really that... great. Wore their masks under their noses, didn’t self isolate when they got sick before they could get tests and lo and behold, despite the fact I hadn’t been out anywhere and the only contact I had beyond my own family were the carers, I got a cold which thankfully really was Just a Cold.

Not wanting to risk granny even getting a cold I stuck to my room and only came out to use the toilet or grab food/drink and all times I left my room I wore a mask and used sanitiser before I even left the room so I wouldn’t put anything on any surfaces. I was careful.

But either I wasn’t careful enough, or whoever gave ME the cold passed it to dad as well. Because then he got sick. And he didn’t have the option to distance himself from granny. Because I was still sick too and my brother Doesn’t do the personal care. So he wore a mask and tried to look after her while coughing and sneezing his guts out.

We thought we were gonna be ok. But then it happened. She got the cold anyway. We think it was a different carer who gave her it because this one was Really Hacking Up A Lung with her. Mask on still but, idk, the hands on care means you’re up real close and even a mask doesn’t stop everything. Plus this woman would pull her mask down to speak sometimes it was....?????

So granny got a cough and cold and we prayed it wasn’t covid and thankfully it doesn’t seem to have been. She’d had a cold in february so we thought ok if we just keep looking after her and help her fight it off we’ll be ok.

September 11th, one day before her birthday, at half 7 in the morning dad woke me up yelling for me to grab the phone so he could call an ambulance.

She was slumped against him in the top floor landing, face drooping, unresponsive and making deep loud groans that sounded honestly like a cow’s moo. It was an awful sound.

It then progressed to a weird rattly, wet breath. Like you’re trying to suck the last water out through a straw in a cup with just ice in it. Like a rattly snore but from the throat and not the nose.

Ambulance came and they said her blood pressure was high and still rising. She was absolutely unresponsive and cold and clammy to touch. The only response they could get was pinching her ear and she let out a loud pained groan.

They took her away and it was later just assumed to be a chest infection so she was put on antibiotics.

I think just. The accumulated stress of everything else just. Hit me like a train. It’s horrible to be relieved to get a break because someone’s gone into hospital because it felt like there was no other way you were going to get a break. But I felt so burnt out it happened anyway and I feel awful for it. my body was in so much pain and my head and everything was just exhausted from stress and exhaustion in general.

She wasn’t in very long though and I think before we knew it was a chest infection related collapse we’d all assumed it was a third stroke and thought she was going to be in for as long as she had the last few times to rehabilitate.

I honestly hate what ended up happening next.

The stress of it all just blew up and I had several days of frequent uncontrollable panic attack-type meltdowns.

I just. I lost complete control of myself. Slamming my head against the wall and floor and counters, scratching my arms, pulling my hair out and just.... screaming so loudly my throat was so so raw. This happened every day. I got into a negatively spiralling process of overthinking and overworrying and just melted down into a fit of stress

The third day of this, dad called the ambulance on me,which made me feel so so so much worse for wasting their time on something I wish I’d had enough mental control of myself to just. stop from happening....

they sat with me for nearly 2 hours and once I was able to even speak relatively coherently at all I just cried about everything from childhood trauma to everything else that’s all combined to fuck me up.

The lady called the mental health folks because she felt I definitely needed to see someone for some support and put me on with one of the women on the phone but that woman was so incredibly unhelpful and passive aggressive even the ambulance lady was shocked and apologised for that person’s behaviour but god it has just absolutely wrecked my faith in being able to get any help for all of this mess.....

I honestly feel.... terrified of myself.... Because I’ve had meltdowns before but I’ve never had one so bad I lost control of myself. Like I could have legitimately harmed myself in that mess. I even wanted to. It was the closest I’ve come in a long time of actually being like wow I could Actually Follow Through with Killing Myself and it terrified me because fuck at least that time years ago when I was planning on doing it I was more in control of the action and was able to stop....

Now I’m not even sure if I got in that state again I would be able to stop myself. And that’s terrifying....

To make things worse, that third day when the ambulance people were talking me down out of my whole mess, granny had been brought home and they ended up taking her back to the hospital because it was deemed not safe to let her in while I was upstairs screaming on the floor.

So :)))))) the police called. Because not allowing granny into her legal home was an issue and I was the cause :)))))))  Even tho I didn’t actually ban her with my words, I just wasn’t in a good mental state at the time and I tried so hard to calm down once i knew she was out there waiting but I was so stressed about what was going to happen I couldn’t get it together fast enough and then had to worry if I was going to be in huge trouble over it. So THAT’s wonderful.

Anyway. She came home the next day with a very very sore side and we weren’t sure if her ribs were sore from coughing or if she’d bashed herself in an unreported fall in hospital or what.

But the next day I was helping her take off the bra her carer that morning had put on her despite knowing her side pain and then she was sick and I was freaking out because granny and sick never go well so I was super worried...

Thankfully it wasn’t long lasting but the pain she had continued to be excruciating and a doctor came later on and said her liver area was very tender so she ought to go get it checked.

So we took her to hospital by car because we were told the ambulance wait would be longer.

But because the virus is increasing in the country again the restrictions are up. So while I had to come to help get granny in and out of the car, I wasn’t allowed to go with her and dad inside. And dad had the damn car keys and it was dark, late, cold as fuck and windy.

I was outside shivering my ass off with nowhere to wait for nearly 2 hours. They wouldn’t even let me in at first when I was about to piss myself.

After that first 2 hours dad briefly came out to tell me it was looking like it was gonna be a while longer so I just asked him for money for a taxi because at this point it was already after midnight.

I got like no sleep that night cos I was worrying about dad’s chronic sleep deprivation. He didn’t get home until 6am.

Anyways she’s been in and had scans but they can’t find anything and have just given her painkillers and mysteriously they say the side pain is gone. Whether thats just from painkillers or if it’s actually gone without discovering what caused it idk. But not knowing stresses me out like I’d have rather there was something to treat instead of it mysteriously being very painful and making her sick and then disappearing. Like what if it comes back?

hhhh anyway she’s supposed to come home tomorrow and again I still don’t feel like I’ve shaken off the burn out and my pain is still there too  so physically I’m still a mess and I feel so bad about my lack of productivity especially on commissions I still need to do...

I don’t even think I can take much more stuff happening this year like. I’m legit not sure I’m gonna make it to the end of the year rn folks...