#i just. feel bad for being into something that hurt me and many other people
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marsmaximoff · 3 days ago
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🏛️ emperor caracalla ; headcanons ⋆₊𐕣˚𖤐 ݁。☽
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content warning: fem!reader. mentions of blood, killing and sickness, cheating, possessiveness, toxicity. idk if there’s anything else.
word count: 0.7k
author’s note: first time writing headcanons, so constructive criticism is welcomed. and english is my third language so please bear with me. i apologize for any mistake 🙏🏻 also, i’m unlocking a new obsession, so i needed to write for caracalla asap. i’m gonna write for other fred characters too because that man has me down bad. that’s it! enjoyyy! <3
emperor caracalla is a menace with an insane duality and you know that better than anyone
we have 1) mad ruler with an insatiable thirst for blood
you ALWAYS go to the games
he demands wants you there with him
(not like you have much choice being married to him)
but still, he loves to know you’re there. mostly because he actually enjoys sharing his passion and spending time with you. buuut, also because he REALLY likes to show you off. (you love seeing him all giggly clapping and yelling tho)
and let me tell you, he takes every opportunity to do so. to remind everyone that you’re his. and to brag in front of his pretty much unmarried brother.
i’m talking hand rubbing your thigh when sitting by his side (he does it absentmindedly, it’s genuinely cute), arm around your waist during feasts, sitting on his lap when watching combats, theatre or any sort of entertainment and a ton of PDA.
both of them are possessive, but he is more subtle, not as straightforward
regarding Geta, you two have an… odd relationship. he’s thankful there’s someone else to deal with his brother’s madness. but he’s suspicious of your intentions. tho jealous.
some would even say not only of the marriage itself…
caracalla knows, and absolutely feeds on it. he finally has something that belongs to him and only him
god forbid someone doesn’t get it
Dondus has grown to adore you. you’re like his other parent -he’s adopted you as such.
squeaks at you and happily climbs your arm to rest on your shoulder
loves using your braids as little ladders
and snuggling against your neck too
he’s just so cute can u tell i love him :3
anyways
and 2) sappy child
he follows you around like a puppy
you hate it when he gets overwhelmed, he tends to hide and isolate himself
you end up acting like his mother
gets insecure of his real face and keeps it from you
needs a lot of reassurance
the guards always look for you when he has an outburst
your touch and presence are the only things that ground him
LOVES LOVES LOVES cuddling
clings to you like he needs you to breathe
good luck waking up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom 💀
play with his hair and he’s GONE
big on pet names
to you is always “my love” “my dear” “my darling” “my wife” “my empress”
emphasis on the “my”
everything’s fine with him but “sweet boy” makes him melt
and obviously “my emperor” cause it makes him feel powerful
and compliments too
spoils and pampers the shit out of you
jewels, clothes, animals, entertainers, you name it
absolutely whipped
loves kissing
now, it can’t all be a fairytale 😞
sometimes you feel like he loves Dondus more than you
and it seems that some men being forced to kill each other brings him more happiness than you ever could
he can switch from sad to angry in a matter of seconds and sometimes his sudden change of tone and expressions startles you
🚩 🚩🚩
being married to a sick man is hard
many palace servants and guards feel bad for you
paranoid
thinks you don’t love him anymore and are going to leave him quite often
obsessive
if you say something that feels ‘off’ to him get ready for an intense interrogation
possessive and extremely jealous
cause why the fuck where you laughing with some random man?
he’d threaten to kill him and would probably get rough with you
hates other people touching you
gets violent
has hurt you before during one of his fits
regrets it afterwards but has a hard time apologizing
would probably be unfaithful. i know, i hate it too 🥲
over all i think he wouldn’t be that bad of a husband, like it could be way worse
and i say he could genuinely love you, it just wouldn’t be the healthiest of loves
but you can try to fix him girl ✨✨
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blueteller · 3 days ago
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Out of all the bad people in the story, i dislike Director Ma the most. Reading about krs sitting quietly in his chair trying to get a day off to see cjs & lsh hurt alot. Why do you think krs didnt do anything to get revenge on Ma?
Oh, I absolutely agree. Director Ma is THE WORST. The kind of emotional manipulation this man did to KRS? Disgusting. Utterly repulsive.
I was honestly so glad that it was OG Cale in the side-story and not KRS who heard him say... that, but unfortunately, the fact that Director Ma DARED to try guilt-trip OG Cale!KRS for taking a VACATION of all things, to his face, when we all know that OG KRS was a workaholic who rarely ever took days off? It means this sort of thing wasn't new. For all we know, this could have been a regular occurrence in the office. Not this line specifically, but this… general dismissal of KRS's feelings, while simultaneously taking advantage of his emotions and sense of responsibility. It's the "He's not even crying during a funeral" all over again. Those freaking monsters at the Company, how freaking dare they. Just thinking about it makes me angry.
Now, about your question. Why do you think KRS didn't do anything to get revenge on Director Ma?
I actually considered it in the past. We know Cale is someone perfectly capable of taking revenge and getting even. So why would he let this jerk get away with such behavior when clearly he had enough power in the Company to make a difference?
Here are some of my theories.
One, it could be that Director Ma was useful. You might remember, during the Sealed God's Test arc, Cale mentioned knowing the leaders of the shelters and remembering how he was used to asking them for help and cooperation in the past, with much struggle. Director Ma might have been one of many, many individuals that KRS tolerated "for the greater good". As long as he was only a jerk to KRS as a Team Leader and left his teammates alone, I imagine KRS did not think much about his own hurt. He was too practical. If Director Ma was evil like, let's say, Adin, and was planning harm to other people, Cale certainly would never let it go. But a common… jerk, for the lack of a better word? He could have shrugged it off easily.
Two, maybe it was because Director Ma was a senior. Cale is actually really, really Korean in that aspect. Multiple times in the story Cale had a habit of considering how he should treat his seniors. He even remarked about the White Star that "I don't care if he is a total senior, that guy is a crazy bastard from now on". So, the simple cultural habit of respecting his seniors could be at play here. Yes, Director Ma was way out of line with his words, but those were the words of a senior. So even if Cale understood that it wasn't fair to be treated like this, he might have felt obligated to accept it because of the traditional Korean values of social hierarchy.
Three, maybe it was a sense of helplessness. One of the moments that struck me really hard in the flashback when LSH & CJS died, was the fact that "no one told KRS to wipe his nosebleed". Once KRS lost all his friend, he felt isolated. Without anyone to defend him. Director Ma wasn't the only a**hole he had to deal with on a regular basis in the Company. Perhaps, due to his depression, KRS simply grew used to such disrespectful treatment until he accepted it as a norm. Which is really freaking sad, but I could see it happening. I really do think that transmigration snapped Cale out of a 10-year-long streak of depression and workaholism. …Well, maybe not the second part, heh.
Four, there could be complexities to his relationship with Director Ma. KRS worked over a decade in the Company, after all. Perhaps there was something in their history that made KRS unable to act against him. Blackmail, for example? I don't know what kind of blackmail would work on KRS of all people, but. Perhaps it was simply emotional blackmail. Maybe KRS felt guilty over being Team Leader, because the spot was meant to be inherited by CJS. Maybe Director Ma helped him in the past and KRS felt like he owed him. Who knows? 10 years is a long time.
Here, there's my answer. None of those reasons make Director Ma's treatment of KRS justifiable, of course. But it would explain how such a dumb person avoided getting utterly annihilated... Because we all know Cale could have done it with ease. But relationships between co-workers can be complicated, so.
...Let's all be glad OG Cale got to avenge KRS by simply being himself 😂
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12raccoonsinadress · 3 days ago
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Harvey smut !! I don’t have a plot have a idea for it buuut if could give it some plot that leads into smut
Fem!reader
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Stress Is Bad For Your Health: Harvey x Fem!Reader (Smut)
Hope everyone is doing well ~ 💚
Art Cred: @mimipippin
Word Count: 4,314
Third POV
You somehow always find yourself here after a long day. You sit at the bar, never drinking much, but trying to soak in some of the relaxed ambience of the saloon, hoping it'll somehow melt off some of the stress. You didn't assume being a farmer would be easy, but that wasn't it. It was being a farmer, helping the community, rebuilding the community center, mining, fighting off beasts. Really the list went on and on. It was overwhelming. You sipped your drink.
As you lowered your mug you could see the familiar green coat in your peripherals as you were joined at the bar.
"Hard day?"
You looked over now. Harvey always had this cute sort of charm to him in your opinion. Like he was just a little bit nervous to be around you. You sighed, running a hand down your face.
"Clint wanted some iron samples from the mine today. I don't think I've ever seen that many bats in my life."
His expression became one that was more concerned.
"Are you hurt at all?"
"No, I'm alright. Just stressed I guess."
You said, sipping your drink.
Harvey didn't seem convinced, watching you as you did.
"Stress can be bad for your health, Y/n. It impacts your immune system and makes it easier to contract illness. Not to mention the long term affects"
"I know, I know. Don't worry about me, Harvey. I'll be fine."
"Have you tried anything to relieve the stress?"
"I tried a few things. None of them really stuck."
Which was true. No matter what you tried, nothing really helped you relax, even this. Harvey hummed a bit, trying to think for a moment. He wanted to help you, the same way you've done so much to help the community.
"What have you tried?"
"I dunno, yoga, meditating, going to the bath house. And this."
"Well, I can say looking for relief at the bottom of a bottle won't do you much good."
You caught his quick glance towards Pam, who sat across the bar on her third mug of beer. You had no intentions of becoming a drunk, but you could see why that'd be a concern for him.
"I'm not. Trust me, Harvey, I have no interest in drinking myself stupid."
He seemed to relax a bit at that, though still thinking on your behalf.
"Surely there's something that'll help you relax."
You shrugged. You were used to it, not that that was a good thing. His face went a bit red as a thought dawned on him.
Both of you were painfully aware of the tension you had, but it was something neither of you could possibly find a way to address without making things weird. And now, he was considering breaching that barrier between the comfortable tension where no one needed to say anything, and the certainty that you had feelings for each other but all the unknown that comes with that.
"I apologize if this is an invasive question, but have you considered, uh, finding someone to assist you with your stress relief."
You looked at him for a moment, puzzled, like you might not have been following what he said. He continued quickly, more flustered now.
"I just mean, in the sense of, suggesting it as another option that may help you. Plenty of people seek intimacy as a form of stress relief or regulation."
You blushed now too. You hadn't considered getting the stressed fucked out of you, but you also weren't really the one night stand type of person. And with how small Pelican Town was, you didn't think sleeping around would be the best idea anyway. You looked at Harvey, who looked nervous enough to fall off his bar stool. You decided to try and lighten the mood. Or maybe just tease him. Either would be ideal.
"Is this an offer, doctor?"
He blushed harder if that was at all possible. He stammered out quickly.
"I- Well, I wouldn't- Not necessarily."
You raised a brow, an amused smile creeping onto your face. You sort of liked that idea, letting Harvey try and help you relieve your stress.
"Well, if I were to try this method of stress relief, who better to put myself into the hands of than the trusted town doctor?"
You smiled, leaning on the counter and tipping your head. He took a moment, analyzing all the thousands of ways this could be wrong versus how incredibly beautiful he thought you were and how he wouldn't want to give you off to someone else for this. He was looking away as he spoke, too nervous to look at you.
"If.. you believe it'd be in your best interest, I don't see any issue with.. ah, assisting you with your stress problems."
You put the money for your drink down on the bar and extended a hand to him.
"Shall we then?"
"Now?"
"I don't see why not. As long as you don't bite as much as the bats tried to."
You winked. Despite being mildly concerned about that comment, he did take your hand. You left together, making the walk out to the farm. The walk was quiet. He was thinking about all the ways this could go. The last thing he wanted was to disappoint you, especially when this was, or so he kept telling himself, for your health. He wondered if this would effect his chances with you, in a positive or negative way. On one hand, it was an opportunity to get closer to one another on an emotional and physical level, but on the other, to skip over so many of the usually relationship steps and get right to sex wasn't the kind of thing that had a good track record of leading to long term partnerships. He didn't want this to be a one night stand or some kind of friends with benefits thing. He wanted to care for you, cherish you, hold you in his arms after a long day at work and kiss your forehead before blissfully drifting off to sleep. He wanted to see you sleepily stumble from the bedroom in the morning and join him for coffee in the kitchen before you both began your day. He wanted to take you somewhere lovely on some sunny day, take your hands in his, and give you a mermaid pendant. He wanted to be the only person you'd come to for stress relief.
Soon you both arrived at the farm. You opened the front door, going inside and kicking off your boots. He followed suit, taking his shoes off at the door. You turned to him.
"You alright if we head to my room?"
Yes, the plan was to have sex, but you still felt the need to ease him into this. He was usually nervous, so you'd imagine now being no different. He nodded. So, while still holding his hand, you led him back to your bedroom. It wasn't anything too fancy or special. Truthfully, aside from sleeping you didn't spend much time there. You turned on a small lamp near the bed, which illuminated the room with a dim, warm, yellowish glow. You sat on the edge of the bed, having now let go of Harvey's hand.
"Is there any particular way you'd like to proceed?"
He asked. He was really a bit lost on what you wanted from him. He wanted to do good for you. You pat the bed beside you, urging him to also sit.
"I figured we could just feel it out as we go."
He sat beside you, though wasn't looking at you just yet. He was steeling his nerves. You admired the doctor for a moment. Gently, you reached over to cup his cheek and turn his face towards you. He looked at you now, waiting for you to make the next move. You figured you'd be leading this for the most part, but were surprised when he reached for you, placing a hand on the small of your back, simply touching you. He was cute. You leaned in, kissing him softly. It didn't take him more than a moment to adjust and return the gesture. As you suspected, he didn't fight for control, though he didn't fully surrender to you either, doing fairly well at matching you. His hand wandered down, resting on your hip as you deepened the kiss. From his cheek, you trailed your hand down his chest. You'd imagined what he may look like beneath the button up and the jacket. So many layers. Left too much to the imagination. You began your attempt to push off his jacket. He pulled back slightly.
"Allow me. This is for you after all. It wouldn't be right for me to make you do all the work."
His voice was slightly hushed. You blushed hard at that. It was a new side of him. Still caring, yes, but it was more... sure. He took off his jacket, setting it on the foot of the bed. You watched as he loosened his tie, sighing a bit as he did. You were practically in awe. He looked back at you, looking you over a bit.
"If... we are to continue this direction, would you like some assistance undressing, y/n?"
You nodded, maybe a little too quickly. The idea of Harvey undressing you was just too good to pass up. You'd love to feel what those precise doctor's hands felt like brushing against your skin. He moved to be standing in front of you, slipping his hands under your shirt. He wasn't much of a tease, taking it off of you gently but with little ceremony. He set your shirt nicely off to the side before looking at you. There was a bit of a glaze over his eyes. You could only describe it as a look of want. Need.
"Will you be taking off your shirt as well, doctor?"
You teased, breaking him out of his little daze. He nodded, pulling his tie off fully.
"Yes, of course."
He went to work unbuttoning his shirt, looking down as he did. You watched it slowly open up, discarding your bra while you did. You weren't sure what exactly you expected him to look like, but you felt a soft smile creep onto your face. He was him. There was no secret six pack, he didn't look thinner or bigger than he did normally. It almost felt like you knew this is what he was going to look like, and you liked that. He still felt like himself and that was who you loved.
Once he'd set his shirt off to the side, he looked back at you. He pursed his lips, thinking for a moment. He leaned down, speaking softly.
"Could you raise your hips for me? It will be easier for me to help you undress if you do."
You did, biting the inside of your lip just a little bit. His hands were gentle, unbuttoning your pants and sliding them down to the point where you could just kick them off. He seemed to contemplate going and grabbing them to put with the rest of the clothing, but decided to redirect his attention to you. You, and how absolutely stunning you were sitting before him, mostly naked. He swallowed hard.
"How... exactly would you like me to, ah, assist with your stress problems?"
He knew he had a few ideas on what he'd like to do for you and what he'd like to do to you, but now was about you and what you wanted. You thought for a moment.
"Well, doctor-"
"Harvey."
He corrected you, much to your surprise. He blushed as he explained himself.
"Doctor is what my patients call me. People that only know me professionally, not like this. If we continue.. I'd prefer you use my name."
Your heart melted a little bit.
"Of course."
You continued, correcting yourself this time, using a softer tone as opposed to the teasing one you had intended on using.
"Well, Harvey, I think what would help me destress the most would be seeing the rest of you and deciding from there."
If you didn't know any better, you would have thought you saw his glasses fog up, just a little bit. He unbuckled his belt, looking down as he did. It seemed to be how he avoided looking at you. He set his belt aside, soon followed by his pants. You looked him over with almost a hungry sort of expression. You couldn't find the words to describe how you wanted this soft spoken, nervous man to carnally destroy you.
He sat beside you now. You put a hand on his thigh, leaning closer to him. He looked at you, a softness in his eyes that you couldn't quite place. Regardless, you kissed him. He didn't hesitate in kissing you back, wrapping an arm back around you, placing a firm hand on your hip, pulling you closer.
He deepened the kiss this time, getting more excited than nervous now. You liked that. You wanted him to take more initiative with this. You let him lead, almost curious how far this bold streak would take him. He broke the kiss, mostly to catch his breath. You spoke, out of breath.
"I want you on top of me, Harvey."
It wouldn't relieve much stress if you had to do all the work. His face flushed red, and he took a moment to find his voice, nodding first.
"I can do that. Would you like to lay down then?"
You gave him one more peck on the lips before moving to lay back comfortably in your bed. You sprawled yourself out in the most "casual-sexy" way you could manage without putting too much effort in, mostly to tease him. He moved to hold himself up over you, looking down at you.
"If this is the way you'd like to proceed, I should ask if you have the proper... protection."
Right. You almost forgot about that. You couldn't actually think of a reason you would have bought condoms recently, considering your dry spell. It's not like you'd been expecting this tonight. You thought for a moment.
"Does the clinic have plan B?"
He went a bit wide eyed at the implications of that.
"W-we do, but are you sure you want to depend on that?"
You half shrugged.
"I'm alright with it if you are."
He weighed his options for a moment. On one hand, it was risky for multiple reasons, he knew that, but on the other hand, you looked so incredibly enticing beneath him and here you were, essentially asking him to fill you with himself. You were getting inside his head and fogging his better judgement. He nodded.
"Only if you promise to come to me if anything happens afterwards."
Whether that be side effects of the medication or otherwise, he wanted you healthy and taken care of.
You smiled, pulling him down to kiss you. He was so sweet. It's why you think you were so okay with all of this. It was Harvey. He'd never hurt you, he'd always treat you so preciously. While still supporting himself with one hand, his other moved to your waist, moving up and down aimlessly. You let your hands run down his chest, feeling him up a little. A little more curiously, you let one hand wander down further towards his boxers. You smiled slightly against his lips as his breath hitched. You were glad to know you got him excited like this.
He broke the kiss, looking down at you with lidded eyes, a needy expression. It definitely did something for you. His gaze trailed down, as far as it could from his current position.
"May I?"
He asked, a slight roughness to his voice you'd never heard before. It shot through your body and straight between your legs. You nodded, not even completely sure what he was asking to do to you. Then again, you'd let him do just about anything to you as long as he kept looking at you like that.
His hand moved down, fingertips slipping into the front of your panties. You bit your lip, anticipating his touch. He started slowly, brushing against your clit with his middle finger, rubbing at an almost teasing pace. Slow circles one direction, then the other, he'd pause, just for a moment, before pressing a little harder than before and rubbing up and down, a little faster. You started to squirm beneath him, which seemed to be what he wanted as he smiled, ever so slightly.
"I suppose I should ask."
He started, not relenting on his touches.
"If I were to get you to orgasm like this, clitorally that is, it would be a fairly satisfying, but short lived experience. If I were to bring you to a vaginal orgasm, it would be longer lasting, and more intense. However, if you were to finish this way first, it would ideally let your body relax, as well as produce enough slickness to make a vaginal orgasm much easier to achieve."
You gave him a pleading expression, wanting him to get to the point. He seemed to understand.
"All of that to say, Y/n, would you like to experience both tonight, or would you prefer we get to the good part now?"
With the fact that he had continued gently torturing your clit through all of that, you truthfully gathered very little of what he said. What you did gather, was he wanted to get you off, and then fuck you into getting off again, which you weren't necessarily against at the moment. You whined softly as you responded.
"Do whatever you want to me as long as you please stop teasing."
He smiled some at that, though blushing.
"Anything you say, dear."
He said softly, beginning to move a little faster with his hand, though not so fast as to be uncomfortable. You were going to have to ask him where he learned how to do this, because fuck was he good at it. He leaned down, kissing your lips. Perfectly timed, as you arched your back, pressing yourself into his hand, moaning into his lips as he worked you through it, slowing until you relaxed beneath him. He pulled away, letting you catch your breath. He moved back, working on getting your now wet panties off and put to the side. He admired you laying there, flushed red, panting, glistening. A beautiful sight, all for him.
As you came down off your high, you looked over at him. He was hesitating slightly, pursing his lips, sort of messed with the edge of his boxers.
"Something wrong?"
You asked, catching his attention.
"No, nothing is wrong. Apologies, I was just a little distracted."
You weren't completely sure you believed that. You didn't have much time to look into it more though, because you were promptly distracted by him pulling his boxers off. You felt a slight chill wash over your body, mostly in anticipation. It'd been a minute since you'd had anyone, or anything really, inside of you like this. He wasn't an intimidating size by any means though he might have been slightly girthier than you would have said you were used to. You could imagine how good he'd feel filling you up, how nicely he'd stretch you. Thankfully, you didn't have to just imagine for long.
He set his boxers aside, adjusting his glasses slightly. He moved his hand back between your legs, pushing a finger in carefully. You bit your lips as he rocked it inside of you for a moment before going and adding a second. He almost looked lost in thought, staring down at his hand between your legs, watching his fingers disappear inside of you with such ease. Soon, he added a third finger and you started to get impatient. You didn't want to wait any longer. With the hand not prepping you, he gently rubbed your thigh.
It was tempting for him to continue like this. He wanted to see you there, in pure bliss, as much as he could tonight. He didn't know if he'd get you like this again. Tonight wasn't about his desires though, it was about you and getting you to relax. He pulled his fingers out, adjusting so he could spread your legs a little more and place himself in between them. You could feel him pressed against you.
"Are you ready?"
He asked in a gentle tone. You nodded quickly, too eager for him to fill you up. He took a deep breath, adjusting, and slowly starting to press into you. You let your head fall back, eyes closing. You let yourself get lost in the feeling, focusing on how he felt as he started to push inside of you. At the same time, you felt his hand grab yours, making an attempt to lace your fingers with his. You held onto him. He was so sweet, even like this. He stopped. You looked up at him now, seeing that his own eyes were closed. He was taking a moment to relish in the feeling of you around him. Warm, soft, and so incredibly good. His chest rose and fell like he had just finished a marathon. It was a sight to behold. When his eyes opened, he looked down at you, gently squeezing your hand.
"Still alright?"
He asked, out of breath already. You nodded. He nodded in return. He leaned down slightly, bringing your hand up to him so he could kiss your knuckles. He places a few, soft kisses there. It almost distracted you from the way his hips began to slowly rock. He let your hand back down, adjusting to pull your hips more so into his lap. He was trying to get a very particular angle, guiding one of you legs up over his shoulder.
"There we go."
He said in a near whisper, giving a more precise thrust now, causing you to gasp, gripping the blanket beneath you. He had to have done this before. Recently. This couldn't be the same socially nervous doctor you knew. He was still his sweet self, but he knew too well how to work your body, maybe more than even you did. Either way, he must've liked the reaction you gave because he did it again, finding his pace gradually. You moaned beneath him, which only encouraged him on. When you looked at his face, it was an expression of focus mixed with need, desperation.
His pace gradually increased until you felt you were going to lose yourself. Just as it started to get to being too much, he'd slow, causing you to whine beneath him. This happened at least 3 times. You couldn't tell if he was doing it on purpose or not. By that third time, you looked up at him.
"Harvey, please-"
He nodded, seeming to understand your plea as he kept his faster speed. You felt your orgasm start to bubble up inside of you before finally, finally, bursting through your body in a way you couldn't remember feeling. Your body tensed, twitching, your hips trying to fuck themselves down onto him more than just what he was doing as he worked you through it. Right as you began to feel your senses start to calm down, you felt him bottom out, holding there, groaning quietly. You could feel the warm feeling inside of you as he came. He was quite the sight like that. Blushy, sweaty, and completely caught up in pleasure. He lowered your leg, readjusting before carefully pulling out.
He took a second to breathe. Then he looked at your face.
"Stay here. Do you have tissues somewhere? Or, um, maybe a washcloth?"
You gestured to the door that led to the bathroom. He stood up, going that direction to find something to clean you both up with. He took that time to think about what just happened. Not only did he get to be intimate with the woman he was in love with, but he came inside of you. Which, granted, was something he'd have to deal with later. Even so, he felt like he was lighter than air. He came back with a wash cloth, slightly damp with warm water. He cleaned you up, as well as himself.
"Would you like any assistance getting into pajamas?"
He asked. You looked up at him, tired and honestly a little clingy at the moment.
"Harvey, just come here and lay down."
He seemed a little surprised, though did as you asked. He pulled the blanket back so you could at least be beneath it. You got comfortable and moved to be close to him, snuggling against him. He slowly wrapped his arms around you, like you were fragile or maybe as if you'd disappear like some dream if he held you too tight. You felt his chin rest on the top of your head. You closed your eyes, taking a moment to just think.
You were laying here, naked, wrapped in Harvey's arms, listening to the sound of his breathing. You felt calm. Tomorrow, you'd probably be a little embarrassed. Tomorrow, you'd have to talk about it, figure out what this meant for your relationship. You hoped this wasn't just a one time thing. You'd like to do more with him. You'd like to be in an actual relationship. You felt his hand move, gently rubbing your back. You decided to focus on that for now. For now, you were cozy and comfortably pressed up against Harvey's chest, and that's all that mattered.
You felt him press a soft kiss to the top of your head.
Whatever happened tomorrow, you were sure it would be okay.
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hadesisqueer · 1 hour ago
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Okay, I'm going to tell you the full context of the particular protagonist of this post so you tell me if this guy is just rightfully complaining because he's sick or if he's being a whiny asshole. His wife is an old family acquaintance that told us this over dinner in Christmas.
Guy had a blocked nose and a headache. He started rightfully complaining about it and his wife asked if he wanted to go to the doctor. He said that no, and when his wife offered some medicine, he refused to take it, saying that "it's not that bad" and he just sat on the couch watching TV. Wife also felt unwell, with a blocked nose and a huge headache as well. So she took some medicine and went to bed to take a nap. Then, barely half an hour later, the husband called her from the living room. She asked what did he want. Guy told her that their kid made a mess trying to pour himself some juice and broke something and there was glass all over the floor. Wife got up from the bed, went downstairs and started cleaning the mess because the option was that or her 5yo son getting hurt while trying to clean it herself while the husband stayed on the couch. Then two minutes later the guy calls from the living room again saying he wanted some warm milk and honey. Wife told him where the milk and the honey were. He said that he didn't feel well and told her to bring it to him. Wife, who's also sick and busy cleaning at that very moment, asks him again "do you wanna go to the doctor?" and he refused. She asked if he wanted some medicine and he, really stubborn, said "no, it's not that bad". Then the wife already fed up tells him "well then if it's not that bad you can either warm your own milk or clean this up" and the guy started whining about how she wasn't being fair to him. So, yeah. The guy is just a whiny asshole when he's sick.
As to how many stubborn guys do I know that whine a lot and become jackasses when they're sick. Well I have a huge ass extended family so unfortunely many dudes. There's people like my cousin's boyfriend who starts absolutely coddling her or their daughter the moment they start feeling bad and there's some others who do really not do anything when their kids or wives feel sick, they just sit around and hope they don't get sick too, and if they do they do expect to get babied and even though when the wife was also feeling unwell he didn't do anything. Generation shift, those guys are all boomers.
A big change is that my dad isn't a jackass when he's sick; my sister is (diversity win: women can be assholes when they're sick too /j). However, when I'm sick, my mom is the one who takes care of me, and when she's sick I'm the one who takes care of her. When we're both unwell at the same time? Good luck. Dad works a lot and my sister is never home.
How many times have people disbelieved my suffering? Very often unfortunely. And mostly by guys, too. Cis men teachers who believed period cramps isn't enough reason for me not to be able to do P.E. that morning and forcing me to run anyway. Doctors who thought the reason I felt sick was my period without even checking anything and then it turned out I had the stomach flu. Me not even complaining about anything at all but looking off and being asked what's wrong and I say "migraine" or "my bad ankle hurts today" and this man whining saying that I always have something. You're damn right men deserve to complain if they're sick but there's a difference between complaining and like you very well said being a jackass, and that guy and many other guys I know are jackasses. And you're damn right I deserve being able to complain, too. I do and I don't care if people think I'm faking it. I'm just not a jackass.
Is there any creature weaker and that whines more in this world than an adult man who's mildly sick
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unoriginal-and-dumb · 2 days ago
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Debated posting this for a whileee but some friends of mine said i should just go for it, oh boy here i go!! Its regarding lucid 👍
I think its insane that people are calling me the abuser in this situation with lucid, I mean sure i havent explicitly stated everything that happened but i didnt think i would need to? Its my private life and throwing it all over online spaces is weird and feels like im BEGGING for pity, and thats gross! I dont want to do that
However i am not gonna sit here and just be cool with it when people are calling me the abuser. That is so messed up man
Why did i cut off lucid as fast and as harsh as i did? Because they said some extremely manipulative things and it made me reflect on our entire relationship. I told them i needed space initially, and what they instead chose to do was send me over 300 messages begging me to come back, admitting they sent the original message to manipulate me into following their will, called me over and over leaving a voicemail full of sobbing
Thats not giving someone space, its not respecting someone’s wishes when they are hurt and asking to be left alone to think
This wasnt just a one and done sort of situation either. There is many times Lucid has guilted/manipulated me whether on purpose or not to fill their needs. They frequently told me whenever i declined to do something they wanted that “the [name] i know wouldnt do this to me”.
I put aside my own personal feelings so much for them, because i knew they were hurting and they needed help and comfort, i care a lot about others and if someone tells me they need physical affection in order to feel better then of course im gonna do it.
Even if i hate physical touch for personal reasons, why should my personal feelings come before others, right? (I say this sarcastically now, but that was a genuine thought process i had)
I call lucid a groomer because literally everyone in my personal circle calls them that. When we met i was 17 going on 18, they sent me hundreds of dollars in gifts, theyd tell me their trauma, theyd tell me all about themselves. They convinced me it wasnt love bombing so i believed it, still my thoughts were “they gave me so much and are so hurt, i need to give something back”
Again, even if that was not their goal it is still how it affected me
Communication with them was hard, i recognize i couldve done better but communication is very hard for me. Especially if whenever i try the other party either yells at me, starts crying extremely hard in my room, or locks themselves in their room, or says things along the lines of how they shouldve never moved out or been born
I was made to feel bad for speaking to new friends because they would feel threatened by them. Yes sometimes i would have the odd worry if someone was doing something weird, but lucid would take that info and run with it, often times blowing it out of proportion. Saying things like i was scared of them or something
They did that with my personal mental health too, according to my friends theyd often bring up my ptsd in order to control them, weirdly enough for things that are completely unrelated to my ptsd too? I wont go into details on that
They had also driven a large wedge between my closest friends and i, to the point that one of them told me they were unsure if we could even stay friends. Lucid had began to try and separate me from my sister too, stating things like they were extremely paranoid of her and i hanging out alone, insinuating they wanted me to stop being as close as i am with my sister. Which is absurd behavior, especially since lucid knew just how close i am with my sibling.
One of the main reasons i am reacting so strongly negatively towards lucid is because i feel they have lied to me about many things. Ex partners of theirs had reached out to me, sharing some alarming things on them, things that daylin had so clearly told me was the opposite of them.
Its things like that that actually truly bother me, i could be mad about the manipulative behavior and move on, but the lying about core parts of their personality is.. really scary
I worry that i do not truly know who i was living with, and i feel that is understandable concern to have
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arsen1cs4ng0 · 5 months ago
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i feel like a really shitty person a lot of the time and i hate it
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wickmitz · 4 months ago
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How do you think about Frepper? I'm neutral about this ship, but the fans Frepper attitude towards confuses me, Ivy and Freckle have only been dating for a week and know each other superficially, but everyone already thinks that by the end of the comic they will get married, I think differently, I think that in the end they will break up with each other because they are too different personalities, I literally can't imagine that both of them will be happy with each other in marriage, Ivy is assertive and active, on the other hand Freckle is passive and just agrees with Ivy, this is not a guarantee of a healthy relationship where a partner completely dominates the other, plus to all that, I will not forget how their relationship started, Ivy just decided that they were dating, and without asking Freckle's permission, she just KISSED him, again without his permission, Frepper fans think that it's cute, but when I saw it, I thought "what the hell did I just see?", in general, it's strange for me that Frepper fans are okay with such things, of course later Freckle shows attraction to Ivy, showing that he likes her in some way too, but I still won't forget how their relationship started and how Freckle used to try to escape from Ivy when she squeezed his hand tightly and forced him to her …
I'm not against Frepper, but I don't understand his fans who don't see these issues and who treat other points of view on their relationship (like mine) as … um, as nonconformity? Fans from reddit are just obsessed with Frepper, I don't know about other networks but that's how it is on reddit, I think there are people who have my opinion but are afraid to say it because of fans, of course, I met Frepper fans there who normally accept such an opinion, but still there is a feeling that such a opinion cannot be told
Simply put, Ivy and Freckle are a couple that will eventually break up with each other unless there's an event between them in the comic that changes my opinion of this couple, but that's how I feel about Freckle for now. I didn't plan to express my opinion, but it happened that way, I hope you don't mind it
first and foremost, i don’t mind seeing someone express their opinion in my inbox! you and anyone else are free to do so, even if i may disagree. this blog’s entire existence was made for me to share my opinions ( and love! ) for lackadaisy, as well as engaging with other fans, because what else is the point of a fandom blog? and as far as i’m aware, this is unpopular opinion central! most of my thoughts aren’t exactly the ones with the most voice behind them i’ve found, so i welcome all manner of different views. every fan is entitled to their own perspectives and opinions, and should be allowed to share them as they please! but with that disclaimer out of the way, i’m more than willing to discuss frepper in its entirety.
for me, there’s little confusion i carry where it concerns this ship’s popularity amongst the fandom. freckle and ivy, if we are to strip them down to their bare essentials, are a rather stereotypically ‘cute’ relationship : people enjoy opposites ( see zibwick or vikdecai for example ) and there’s an endearing quality found in puppy love dynamics. seeing ivy wear the pants and drag a shy freckle around by his ankle makes for quality content in a way! think the ‘excuse me, but he asked for no pickles!’ meme … ivy and freckle very much fit that sort of mold, and it helps that most fans are too scared to ship them with other characters in the cast too, due to what they perceive to be a lack of options. thus, frepper is an extremely ‘safe’ ship! you cannot get in trouble for enjoying something that is not only canon, but is relatively adorable ; and so i don’t believe a lot of the fans are actually thinking too deeply about the likely endgame of it all. most don’t! it’s fun to ship, and that’s all they really need i think. it’s also very easy to dismiss ivy’s forwardness as a quirk of being a young girl who’s of her temperament, recklessly boycrazy although still carrying sweet intent. this behavior is easier to hand wave when neither ivy or freckle are experienced at the dating scene as well … freckle due to his extremely religious upbringing and hermit nature, and ivy because of viktor’s constant meddling, which would hold her back more than you’d think. with that said, i don’t think any of this is excessively complicated. some shippers are rather simple minded and do not care for details and characterization all too deeply. enjoying dynamics is, at its core, supposed to be fun -- which makes simple ships like frepper prime targets for a very vocal and tight knit fanbase. there are other things i could speculate about why these two may hit so pleasantly for others, like how there’s an underlying queer theme to it ( what with ivy being the pursuer and freckle the shy, blushing flower ) or that it’s tropey enough to hit the right spots for others … though it all boils back to mere speculation. perhaps they still have time to escape this gangster lifestyle and live happily ever after? and that appeals to the lackadaisy fans who still want some sort of happy ending? it’s all a combination of frepper being easy, i think, and containing two young cats who still haven’t done anything particularly ‘unforgivable’ yet action wise. this is a ship you can root for without an ounce of worry in your heart, and so on and so forth.
but although i understand why others are so vocal about them, i don’t exactly agree with fanon’s views either! while i heavily enjoy frepper, i enjoy them as they are, and that includes their looming flaws and inevitable tragedy. they are bound to break each other’s hearts a lot on their current path ; even if they were entirely perfect for one another, this lifestyle isn’t kind to anyone, meaning if they don’t separate, they could always be forced apart via bullets and such anyway. they are young and woefully inexperienced in a manner of things, the last thing they need is the stress of a rumrunner life driving their every action, you know? i know people see them getting out together, and that is likely on the table! i do see that in many ways, but i’m also of the opinion that ivy and freckle will diverge onto different paths at some point and temporarily call it quits. from where the comic currently stands and given my view on ivy’s arc, i see her growing disillusioned with where she is and the honor and fun she saw within it as a royal spectator will fade ; she will become wary, fearful, and her resilience will die … meanwhile freckle will embrace it, similar to his cousin, fully understanding what it is and what he’s getting into ( like rocky, again ) but being unable to leave his refuge. i know lots of people think freckle will leave the lackadaisy first, but given his old concepts and former title as one of mitzi’s ‘trouble boys’, i think he will become lost in the sauce for a myriad of reasons. frankly i enjoy that twist on their relationship! since i believe ivy’s character development will revolve around maturing, changing as time stretches forward, because her character is ever growing, what with her entire schtick being the fact she’s everything a 1920s girl was during those times. she embodies that unladylike youth and manipulative sweetness, so i’d imagine a lot of her path is falling from such naive thrill seeking and stumbling upon a harsh reality. she will mature, and the very thing that should make their relationship stronger will be what divides them indefinitely. everything they have is founded on this bloody, varnished soaked ground after all … they are young adults who are experiencing what closeness feels like outside of family or platonic friends for the first time, so naturally they will overindulge in their own amateur games ; find respite in the boogie and kiss like couples do on the silver screen, laugh about it, talk about everything and nothing at all … relish in each other’s warmth and stupidly loyal protection. i’m sure frepper will grow closer before any falling out, because as it stands, it’s one of the few things they have in such a scary situation that feels comforting and kind. they will impact each other in the fundamental ways first relationships do and, to move towards your biggest gripe, do things they’ll regret or allow things to happen to them that they’re not entirely okay with.
ivy is very forceful with freckle initially, albeit in her typical saturated way ; and i can see why that would be hard to parse! especially when freckle spends a majority of their first scenes together squirming away and hiding, trying to duck her affections and bolt for it. there is a lot of boundary crossing between them! but not in a necessarily malicious way … like most things with frepper, this circles back to their mutual inexperience and how, in a lot of ways, this is their first ‘serious’ romantic relationship ever. and it’s rather common for such firsts to involve gray areas, since neither party is entirely sure of what their own boundaries are just yet! while freckle did appear frightened by ivy at first, it’s important to note that tracy’s mentioned him having a flight response whenever girls flirt with him … he is prone to run away instinctively, which if you consider his extremely religious upbringing, isn’t exactly a surprise. nina would no doubt look down upon freckle engaging with girls his age due to what most girls his age are currently doing in the roaring 20s they’re living in. sneaking out and engaging in illegal activities, dancing in a way that would disgust most of the more traditional and older generation, casually engaging in any manner of sexual activity before marriage, etc etc. and this isn’t even listing freckle’s cagey nature due to an incident we know was bad enough to send rocky packing for years, and fundamentally changed freckle himself at such a young and impressionable age. he is … very troubled! and rather scared of himself and the world around him … at this stage in life, freckle is perpetually unable to make any progress towards anything he may want, and so i have little problem myself with ivy mostly taking the lead. when left to his own devices and allowed to choose outside of influence, freckle did in fact sneak out of his mother’s house to go to the lackadaisy, surely well aware that ivy’s intention had been romantically inclined. so, to me, he has always liked her ; perhaps found her cute, in a shallow way, saw her eccentric behavior as endearing and frightening in equal measure, and while he’s still wading into this whirlwind pool unsteady and shaken, he -- wouldn’t mind it if ivy pushed a little more, or moved him around to her ( and what she perceives to be, their ) liking. perhaps this dynamic is familiar enough to him that it becomes comforting, since rocky was very much the same way in their adolescence. tugging freckle around and pulling his tail for whatever rocky wanted them to do, with little care for whatever his baby cousin desired at the time, ignoring his protests and chasing him ; nobody’s at fault here either, kids are extremely self absorbed and this is a flaw they’ll usually mature past, and while ivy and freckle are adults during the comic, i don’t think ivy’s outgrown this linear view on things just yet. she is extremely entitled! she is used to being the apple of everyone’s eye at the speakeasy due to her jazz baby status as atlas may’s goddaughter, and this gangster connection excites and awes the ladies she attends classes with at her university too. ivy pepper is used to getting her way and this has only fueled her determined attitude, her ‘pull it up by the bootstraps’ mindset, and in many ways, this is something of a flaw for her. it’s not bad to be confident and headstrong, although when you add that into a dangerous mix of rumrunning and gunslinging, it may become a problem rather quickly. but i digress! point is, ivy and freckle are hardly at fault for the awkward way they handled the start of their relationship, when it’s so new and fresh to them both.
neither of them have boundaries at this moment, as they either have no clue what those are or simply haven’t realized they should set them. so, in turn, there are things that the other may do that could cause their partner discomfort … and it’s mostly done out of obliviousness and good intentions and your classic dose of intense affection. doesn’t mean it isn’t messed up to a degree, but i think it’s rather realistic, and is a hard truth that comes with many first relationships of that sort. sometimes you don’t know how to say ‘no,’ or you agree and regret agreeing later, or perhaps you simply don’t understand there’s certain things you aren’t ready for or genuinely just don’t like. again, it’s a very muddied area, and the two of them are vaguely navigating what is mostly foreign to them. they’re bound to mess up! so i ivy some slack here, and applaud tracy on the realistic writing more than anything usually. young love also happens to be a great device to use for inexperienced characters finding themselves, through the good and bad of their relationship, and frepper is all about that. maybe freckle will inevitably bring up how he feels like he would’ve preferred it had ivy asked him out properly, or gave him time to court her in a traditional fashion … and she will be surprised ( and a little wounded ) by this, since she had never considered it before … too used to her way of things to realize there’s another path they could take. i think this aspect of the relationship is important, and i can understand wishing that more frepper shippers would view it as such, or comment on it's morally gray nature without just calling it ‘cute’ and leaving it at that.
tldr : they will most certainly break up at some point, maybe even multiple times! tracy has said before that they both have some serious maturing to do if their relationship is to be long lasting, and i doubt that maturing will happen to them both at once … since they have different things to work on emotionally. but they will probably strongarm some major personal development within each other, as well as love one another with a fierceless abandon that most kids do. i could see them getting married, i could see them not, but i agree that if they were to be wed happily, they’d have significant hurdles to overcome. but personally, frepper is something i adore mostly due to the impact they’re bound to cause each other, and even if they are to separate and find someone new and more fitting, they’ll always remember one another -- perhaps fondly, and sadly, and with some anger. a time they’d like to forget, but a person they’d like to remember … which is my cup of tea overall! they much more interest me as they presently are anyway, where i can fiddle around with their budding romance and friendship bonding. and as lackadaisy grows in popularity, i do hope there’s more frepper fans who see their complexity and flaws and explore them with all of it in mind.
anyway! i hope this was coherent, and that it was obvious that i agreed with you for the most part. i haven’t really talked about frepper before with anyone so many of these thoughts sort of burst out of me! and i feel like i have more to elaborate upon, but for the sake of simplicity i kept this short. oh well! surely this is enjoyable and informative regardless.
#my asks.#lackadaisy analysis.#lackadaisy#freckle mcmurray#ivy pepper#as always frepper fans who just like them for their cute potential is SO valid#ship what you want how you want yada yada! i support you!!#but i’m here for discussing the good the bad and the ugly … so i was very happy to recieve this ask! thank you so much!!#i also understand what its like to share what you or others perceive to be the ‘wrong’ opinion about a ship or a character or something#so you have my sympathies and i hope you find better spaces to express yourself lackadaisy wise!!#anyway. yeah. i do think people are prone to view ivy as extremely experienced due to her many boyfriends!!#but given the fact she doesn’t date them LONG is. well it’s not an accurate assessment.#viktor ( bless his well intentioned heart ) has drastically thwarted that brand of maturity on ivy’s end#and has likely caused a sort of insecurity … by maiming her boyfriends and having them leave her. acting as if she has the plague!#that would hurt any girl’s feelings — if they didn’t know why. and i think these short lived flames have caused ivy to like …#speedrun her relationships? she is very quick to jump in and stay … because she fears the time limit perhaps. which adds to her forwardness#again! she had no idea it was viktor until the comic’s current events where she’s already WITH freckle. which is important to me#she is inexperienced in her own ways … freckle’s inexperience just happens to be more obvious due to the simplicity of it#god this was so fun to answer <3 thank you! again! hope my thoughts on the matter were decent enough#i’ll hush now with my over analyzing ass ( <- is it obvious my fave thing ever is characterization yet? lol )#( also cannot state enough freckle and ivy are Adults To Me. not five year olds!#but saying ‘young’ and ‘kid’ was easier than being like … emotionally immature and stunted adults every five seconds. so!#that is what i went with. for simplicity’s sake. but that are adults!! that is important! just very inexperienced ones )
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vaguely-concerned · 3 months ago
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just going about my day idly contemplating how some of the ways hawke can interact with a romanced anders are not at all unlike how they interact with leandra (and a bit of carver too, especially with a purple hawke), and then thought about my hawke in the timeline where he romances anders and was hit straight in the face with 'was he ever actually in love, or was he just desperately trying to renegotiate with his mother's ghost in any way he could' and now i need to lie down. this is the power of dragon age 2
#'you don't know my mother' haunting me through the years#dragon age#dragon age 2#hawke#On second thought let's not go to Kirkwall; it is a silly place#there are of course as many ways to do/read that relationship as there are players to interact with it haha and all valid!#but my personal version of handers is sooo fucked up and bad times for everyone involved and I love it haha.#this is a relationship neither of them should have been in and that made everything worse and everyone unhappy in the end#locked tomb levels of the horrors of love. i ship it but in the way that I want to make it sadder and more gutwrenching each time#to be clear this is a very mutual two-way kind of fucked up but I think varric in his loyalty and love would downplay hawke's side of it#for huge swathes of their relationship anders is not in a mental place to be a good partner and the emotional blackmail is Not Okay#(but it's just like how mother used to make it! hawke's soul cries sadly as it reaches for it hungrily)#which is in some ways fair enough no one could accuse him of not warning you ahead of time fjskda#but hawke is messy about it in a way only available to a covert people pleaser who has never had a millisecond of therapy#with some added stuff that my hawke is always acespec in some form and when he gets together with anders...#is the sex something he doesn't particularly care to have or not have but it 'makes anders happy'/he longs to feel wanted *and* needed#and also a way he gets out of ever being *actually* vulnerable (which I think he'd had to be with varric for example if he Went There )#'you want the hawke who's in your head so badly and I kind of wish I were that hawke too. so let's be collaborateurs with that fantasy'#(and then maybe if I do it right every time you'll finally be happy hawke says in his heart looking at this leandra-anders phantom form)#(and echoing stuff in varric's relationship to hawke but I think the important distinction there is that varric -- is a craftsman haha#he KNOWS when he's lying/making up a story he KNOWS the difference between what is and what he wishes the world was#(I think there's some deep longing there to not know; for it to blend together or have the power to change things. but he always knows)#which ironically leaves him in a better position to actually see and understand hawke the person#even as he is creating hawke the literary figure. almost to protect him in some ways? god da2 is so full of STUFF!!! I adore it)#and of course anders gets so disillusioned with hawke's inertia and lack of action (you all but married this man anders!#you should know this about him he's already carrying the whole family and city on his shoulders if you add a gram more he'll collapse!)#and hawke feels so desperately hurt that the promise anders seemed to make that he'd be enough -- that he could fix things for him --#('I'm the one bright light in kirkwall and that apparently doesn't count for shit so I'm just slowly turning to ash for you')#turned out to be untrue. anyway. sad now. imagine them meeting like twenty years on what the fuck could you even say to each other then#(I can't imagine Hawke ever physically hurting anyone he loves so he just tells Anders to leave at the end of DA2. they COULD meet again
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spotaus · 5 months ago
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Thinking about Orchid and her connection to my take on Gender (because this was meant to be about her and the Crew but it just devolved into a character analysis kinda??? More trauma-dumping maybe???) This is very much an oc/personal rant so feel free to ignore it 🫡
So, Orchid started off as a character I didn't really think much of (hear me out this is going to be relevant) because I wanted to add a 'girl' character but didn't know what to *do* with her, y'know? She was always going to be the strongest one there, she had the odds stacked in her favor with her parents. She was always going to be the gloomy side-character to match Reset's energy. But I think she's gone through every stage of Generic Woman I could possibly find.
At first she was angry and abrasive (think Fell!Sans) where every other word was a curse and she was likely to throw the first punch then laugh as she kicks her enemy while they're down. This was when Reset was a cartoonishly self-centered villain whose goal was simply to prove others wrong. Then Orchid became a sort of sisterly figure. This was short-lived, but she was the one comforting people who Reset would torment, but would ultimately follow his orders, because at this point he was actually a danger and sadistic. And then there was the phase where the story mellowed out and she became the token Goth Girl who, yes she was strong, but was heavy on the 'whatever' energy. Then there was her Era of deep self-loathing and anxiety about her worth that held her back and made her a much more timid and meek character who would only lash out on occasion.
Now, Orchid is the best of those iterations I've written yet. She's calm, level-headed, and a natural leader. Her father raised those traits into her. But she's very reactive, and can be silly, and when she's comfortable it's likely that air of importance transforms into something more comfortable and familiar. She laughs loudly and grins wide, she likes loud video-games but loves to read in the quiet. She's extremely disciplined, and normally no one can get through her tough exterior besides her best friend, Reset. She does what she does for her own enjoyment, sure, but she's thought of every angle and makes her choice to help Reset and control the others with her whole chest. She still worries she won't live up to her invisible expectations, and that and her loyalty are her two driving forces.
I know that Orchid is important to me because she's the longest-running female oc I've had. I have a rough relationship with womanhood/girlhood and I know looking back that Orchid recieved every ounce of my distaste for being a woman that I could shovel into her. That never made her less of a character, she was actually always one of my favorites, and rarely was she a 'punching bag oc'. I just... projected onto her a lot. And she's a good sign of how I've learned who I am. I've decided that my own femininity is something I could live without. I'd rather not associate myself with it, and I'd like to leave it in my past, focusing on a future where I'm not tied down with any gender roles or expectations. That won't happen, but I've come to terms with it myself. Orchid though? I figured out through her that I don't have to hate women characters. My own distaste for my circumstances doesn't mean I have to push it onto my characters (on God I've never expressed anything rude to actual people, that'd be rude as hell and uncalled for, but I have a bad habit of disliking fictional women in media). So, Orchid is a well-roubded character finally. She has motivations abd goals and a *lot* more depth than I ever expected her to. She's happy with being a woman, she's content. She's not treated differently for it in unfair ways by those she cares about, so she doesn't mind it. She likes to wear pretty outfits and lets Reset add bows to her ribbons. She doesn't let being a woman hold her back in the slightest.
So, yeah. Orchid is one of my babies. If I ever leave this Fandom behind for good, she's one that's coming with (Ichor, Orchid, and Pretender all have human designs I can use elsewhere lol-) but in the meantime I'll just rotate her around in my brain for a while longer.
If I'm right, she's been with me for nearly 5-6 years and I went through a *lot* with her as an outlet. So, she's kinda just like an old stuffed animal. A lil ripped, matted fur, maybe a stain or two, but there's a story there and that makes it important beyond belief.
#spotatalk#i'm just gonna drop this in the queue I guess?#but I'm writing this on the last day of june so....#whenever this rolls around will be a jumpscare abd a half I guess?#I think honestly I coukd do a full breakdown of the Crew and why they're all expressions of me but like#quick summary is#Reset: Wants approval from people but mostly clings to the past. is afraid of losing his brother and acts on it to bring him back. i#<- I lack that conviction to do whatever you have to to get your way. i worry my brother and I have a weird gap between us we wont repair#Orchid: Uhhh woman. lots of pressure that she had at one time that's now no being pressed but she still tries to live up to it also.#<- I don't like the pressure of being a woman. also gifted-kid who cannot move past the pressures imposed to be 'perfect' and it's screwed#Stereo: Pulled into a situation he doesn't want to be in initially. it's bad for him but he likes the people so he decides to stay#<- I see the good in people. even when they hurt others around me. I was a bystander often and should've left the situations. paralelling.#Monochrome: Afraid. No purpose or preperation in life. soneone offers to guide him and he takes that offer because it's better than home.#<- Kinda self-explanitory but I've got little direction and feel lost a lot of the time. If I'm given a path I usually walk it no hesitation#and... for fun let's do some others!#Haphazard: Cleaning up after others since childhood. he's never really gotten a break and sees any sort of mess as an enemy#-> He's fixing rifts in universes I gotta patch relationships. there's so much conflict and I'm always so overwhelmed by it#Lost: He's got amnesia. no clue where he is. where he's from. who you are. who he is. he'll know when he gets there. he's sure.#-> I've been hsving minor issues with my memory for years. i coukd be forgetful but sometimes it just escapes me and that's spooky#Teddy: Isolated in her universe for years. she self-mutilated until she liked herself. when she finally met people she compulsively lied#-> Much more extreme version of how isolated I sonetines feel. hobbies can't replace human interaction but it's hard#oh and Ichor: God who loves mortals but cannot seem to find ones who will prove hin right for his trust and care#<- I've got a big heart. i express it often but the sentinent is scoffed off a lot. I get beat down about it and just keep moving forward#Pretender: Knows who he is. however the world doesn't like it much so he acts how they expect him to or isolates away#<- I still present femme when I'm nb/agender. i bend and break to people's perception of me. if I can't solve something I run.#okay I feel more insane than when ai started but these stupid skeletons have helped me through so many mental health problems it's only a#little bit funny 🙏
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youremyonlyhope · 8 months ago
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why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up
#i'm overthinking something that i did and was told off for doing by my director#and on my way home i was thinking when was the last time i was even talked to like that during a production#and then i remembered the costume experience from hell of only a couple months ago that i've already began blocking out#but the thing is that that person was someone i knew i'd never have to work with again#i mean at first i thought i would have to work with them more. then they announced they were moving away immediately#so i only had to deal with them face to face for another weekish after that point and anytime they yelled at me#i was like 'cool. i'll do exactly what you say to do. and nothing more.' but then of course me being me#i did some extra stuff and they initially were like 'oh that's pretty' and then days later told me to cut everything i added#and like sure i get that the show was frozen but girl. that costume was unfinished. i was trying to finish it. it was frozen but looked bad#anyway. whenever they yelled at me and had actual malice in their heart i was like whatever. i was hurt. but i didn't care as much.#but this time it's someone i've worked with many many times before and it was about a habit i have that i know isn't great#but at the same time the thing that prompted it wasn't even me doing this habit it was something else#but she interpreted it as that habit and said that i can't do that on a production she's directing#and that if i couldn't stop then i could pull out from the production and there'd be no hard feelings between us#and honestly i think her reassuring that she knows i'm valuable and that she wants me there while also telling me not to do this thing#and the fact that she's someone i like working with and will continue to work with just made it all hurt so much more#especially since she referenced another past production we've done where i didn't even realize she had noticed that i do this.#and i found myself in near tears. and still am kind of in near tears. i can't decide if i need to cry or not.#and i had NO sleep last night so i was looking forward to sleeping tonight but now i'm just overthinking EVERYTHING#and like. i know everything will be fine. if i just stop inserting myself and stick to just my specific tasks. it'll be fine.#but this is one of the ways my ocd manifests. i feel like i have to personally fix something i notice going wrong. or it'll be bad.#because every single time i choose to sit back and not be nosy when i notice something it ends up bad in a way i could have prevented#if i just inserted myself in a situation i technically wasn't part of but knew i could help or fix. so i just need to not do that.#but then i feel guilt if it does go wrong in the ways i immediately assumed it would and in a way i could prevent.#and i've been trying to work on this for like 6 months and aaaahhhh it's hard and being called out on it from her just really really hurt#i still may or may not cry. i don't know. the irony of me telling my therapist THIS MORNING that it's been a while since i last cried.#and the universe being like 'i took that as a challenge' and handing me this situation for me to spiral over.#i need to leave things alone. i need to stare straight ahead. and ignore whatever isn't specifically for me to do. but ahhh i want to help#and then of course my mom has this same habit and it annoys me when she does it yet i do it to other people and ahhhhhhhh#brain please just shut up. i need to sleep. i have to work tomorrow.
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peppermintmochafem · 7 months ago
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#Um she told me she's in love with me and if anything happens to know I'm hot and she wants me#And then went into a lot of detail just repeating over and over the things she wants / fantasies about me incoherently#Which I'm sure means nothing right#I know this is complicated for her she hates being attracted to me but it is hard to have her be like this is bad when she says she wants m#I don't know what to do#personal#tbdeleted#Triggering for me yikes#messy messy messy#Honestly think she is just grieving so its latching onto me as a woman she can love in a safe way#And I am glad I can be that I guess like obviously she needs that and I want to keep her safe#But I know I can't and she even said it#Like I know she will go home and then be gone forever#I think I am already grieving her in a way#And she has hurt many people I love dearly#Hurt them in deeply upsetting triggering ways that aren't okay and don't make me feel safe#She really lacks understanding of consent and that hurts people but I know she does want me and i think if I tried to stop her I could#I shouldn't be in situations where I am unsure of that though but at the same time it's like if something happens it happens#Idk how much of this is my own issues and thinking I'm not deserving of safe respectful sex and intimacy and my own guilt for everything#And how much of it is her own issues and guilt and grief#But I know I can be safe and loving for her#And I do know there is genuine love there no matter what other factors there are#Anyways sorry if you read all that I am giving you the biggest forehead kisses#I just think about how different it might have been if I had *** **** *** ** *** *** ****** ** *****#I thought I couldn't cope if I had but how can I cope that I didnt#I should have *** *** *** when I could have#This is unrelated but its all tangled up and it's just been bad trauma day already#If I had **** * ****** **** if I had *** *** if I had **** ***** or#Anyways **** ***** ****** **
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that-was-anticlimactic · 2 years ago
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there’s something so sacred about sharing what you love with others: whether it be a song or food or clothes, a show or a movie or pictures. it's just... such a deep and personal thing, you know? having someone carve out a little part of their heart and gift it to you with an abundance of joy and excitement and passion... yeah.
#i lowkey had an awful day today lol#and it was my first day taking over as teacher so that's a great way to start it#there are people in seventh period who literally despise me and maybe that's an exaggeration but i looked over their creative writing for#the day and one of those kids literally wrote about how he was having a good day but then it turned into a bad day when i started the#creative writing with them so that was great and other stuff happened idk and one of my tics was really... uh... present today and i was so#aware of it and i feel like everyone was laughing at me because of it even tho ik that was just me being self-conscious but God i wanted to#cry and i shared a piece of my heart with them today for the creative writing exercise and so many of them just. told me how awful it was#like someone straight up started with 'this song is terrible' and then proceeded to write a paragraph about how bad it was#idk. it made me feel like a young kid again - sitting by myself on the playground and reading books. like i was in middle school and#everyone was telling me that the things that i loved were stupid. like i was a kid getting teased just lowkey enough that the teachers#couldn't tell because it wasn't necessarily outright bullying but they were making fun of what i loved which Hurts and then i was in high#school having to defend what i love and then in college hearing 'you ruined this for me because you liked it too much' and it just. idk.#it hurts. i find sharing passions and what i love with others so sacred and important and it Hurts when they just tear it and you down and#ik they're juniors and ik there will always be people like that but it was constant and idk. i'm just sad lol#so anyways even if someone shares something with you that you don't like there is literally No reason to be rude about it. you're allowed#to say you dislike it but it's not okay to just tell them straight up it's stupid or awful or you'd rather get hit by a car than hear the#song again. hm. ig i have some unresolved trauma lol#sorry for the rant y'all i just. needed to rant ig idk
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maximusboltaqon · 1 year ago
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most appealing part of the inhumans is that theyre all middle aged with back pain
#the comfort of a group of characters ostracized for their differences but still finding happiness and love and companionship and home#gorgon having chronic pain maximus having neglected mental illness bb and triton struggling to socialize after being raised outside society#medusa taking on so much responsibility that even her loved ones start to slowly neglect her needs assuming she can handle it all#i was looking at some uncanny inhumans art and now im in a mood over 50yo blackagar .#this probably applies more to me than People In General but like. the royal family as a whole r extremely comforting to me#bc they r characters that like. i can see parts of myself in that i havent ever found in other media before#like i have a bad back! and bad joints and mobility issues sometimes! and it hurts all the time!#and i know a chronically ill character isnt like. IMPOSSIBLE to find but it still means a lot to me that they bring gorgon's pain up#and how maximus' completely ignored and silenced mental health struggles really fucked him up for like his entire life#and how bb and triton being raised almost completely removed from society and only interacting with family members until they were adults#affected their socialization skills a LOT#like these are all things i can find and like. actually see myself there. its nice to not feel completely detached from everyone else#bc growing up these r things i did not see. ever. there r so many parts of me that i thought everyone experienced and. they dont!#i have no idea where im going with this its just. these inhumans r people. and i see them. and it means something to me.#inhumans
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chaoticbathwater · 1 year ago
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stressed out of my mind because a guy i know is transphobic and very misinformed on the topic and ive been trying my very best to explain things to him but its not been very effective so far and he keeps talking to trans kids and shit and in an effort to "help" them he straight up recommends conversion therapy and other things like that, and making those people extremely uncomfortable!! and because ive talked to him multiple times i feel like its my responsibility to get him to stop doing that somehow but ive literally no idea what to do!!!!! what the hell man!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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phagodyke · 2 months ago
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#told my roommate ive been depressed this weekend and she kindly offered to watch a movie but i knew shed be too tired and need to cancel#bc of the clocks changing and its ok i know how tired she gets i was the one to suggest it was okay if she cant + it was still a nice idea#but now im alone for the evening again ive been alone all weekend and weekends are the hardest for me and i thought i was feeling a little#better but im not and theres nothing to stop me from harming which is okay i keep it safe and its always a choice i make to do it or not#not anyone elses responsibility but i didnt want.to be alone tonight thats all. and offering something she knows she cant fulfil makes me#feel rejected too and i also wanted to talk abt some of her behaviour that upsets me sometimes but gently bc i dont want it to seem like#im blaming her bc its not her fault im so bad at communicating and neurotic and weird abt shit that doesnt even make sense#but its been bothering me for a really long time and it comes up again every time we meet with other people and i get really upset over it#and im the one that keeps putting off talking about it but its so hard when its been gping on so long and i find it so hard to express#anything and communicate especiallt when its shit like this but im so so so so tired of sitting on it i just want it resolved one way or#another and now i wont see her for a few days bc of this family trip and itll be on my mind the whole time and the thought is making me#feel insane already ive wasted so many hours and hours being upset by her and not being able to talk abt it i need it to stop its not even#that big a deal.it just is to me. and i dont know how to say anythign ever#and she wants to make plans with friends next weekend which feels like hoisting an anvil above my head bc if i dont go i risk having a#rejection sensitive episode bc im vulnerable rn and this is exactly what happened over the summer and it took me months to recover from but#if i do go ill get upset bc ill feel unwanted there and ill be dealing with the same issue that comes up every fucking time and either way#ill end up harming in response to it bc i cant handle how intense my emotions are and i dont have any better outlets right now#for these specific feelings and i dont want to do that i want to be a normal fucking human being who doesnt lock themself in a#stupid fucking iron maiden style repression over completely innocuous shit that no one would even know im reacting this way to#i cant do it i cant do thjs anymore i cant i want it to stop im so tired and it hurts so so much feeling so much like this#they should make a mind for me that is capable of not inflicting distress this intense on itself i need to explode#actually. maybe since i wont see her for a couple days i can write a long discord message about it instead. i know its a shitty way to#deliver information but maybe it would be easier that way rather than trying to summon the courage to say anything in person when im#usually actively upset abt it at the time and my immediate response to getting upset is to shut down and not express which doesnt help#and its so stupid but i need it to not be like this i cant keep living with her and getting so upset so regularly it has to stop now#ill think about itand maybe draft it. and then i can decide. but right now i need to eat. and pack. and then cut sorry. but its ok#ughhhhfdhf. please let this week be better ill try harder ill say something i have to im the one inflicting this on myself by not talking#about it!!!!!!!!! so. man and i think my dinner is cold now too. oh well#.vent#tw self harm
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itsalwaysdark · 2 months ago
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whining hours . sry
#like idk i try to like. imagine a future where i have like. friends. you know. Bare mimimum i have People i talk to. who arent lamp. and i#just cant imagine it happening again#like. i genuinely feel like i cant connect to ppl anymore and idk how id like. i dont see a way for me to do that ever again since i cant g#to school and like. sny job im able to get wouldnt be the kind where i like. meet people or make friends. and last year when i eent out wit#the express purpose of Making friends i literally couldnt. speak to anyone. like i just sat alone with my headphones on until it was time t#go home ... i dont know how to like. initiate casual conversation#+ like. i worry i get way too invested in any potential friendships bc i want so badly to be Normal and have friends and then i freak out#rly badly over something trivial. and thats entirely my fault like I need to work on not letting my freakouts effect the person im freaking#out abt. yk. like its my stupid brain that just gets rly rly overly defensive and weird abt everything its not like. I need to work on that#and thats another reason i dont knowif ill ever be able to make friends again is bc i genuinely dont trust myself not to get overly attache#way too quickly and then explode or something. idk#i also think maybe im just not meant to have actual lasting relationships with anybody ever. yk. like maybe im not meant to ever have roots#and maybe i just wont ever get to have stability and my life will always be entirely transient. Perhaps thats for the best so that i dont#have t like. lose ppl. and ppl dont have to deal with me#+ if i make bad decisions there r less ppl to care abt it. you know. which is a plus. idk#theres like. some parts of me r like desperate for friends and for love and to just . feel like i exist and Talk to people and like. have#stability. and then the rest r like No this is good bc we cant hurt as many ppl like this and also we dont deserve any of that so this is#for the best. and i just have to sit here like ok ! bc if i seek out friendships that part shuts it all down and if i dont the other part#makes me feel miserable and lonely. like damn i am destined for misery. but whatever. it doesnt rly matter DHRNFJFN im just being whiny#it just feels like i need like. ok this is my abdicating responsibility and is the reason i dont have friends disclaimer. i know that. very#aware. but i like. i need somebody to be the one to reach out to Me bc i like. i cant reach out to ppl like. i cant Try to initiate#conversations . but i think if there was a person who like. initiated conversations w me and started a friendship with me i like. i think#itd help me get used to Having a friend again and then id like. id be better at maintaining it and eventually id be able to pick up th#weight. but Obviously nobody wants to like. put in all that effort for somebody whos incapable of returning the favor possibly ever. yk#i need to just bite the bullet and humiliate myself and reach out even if its embarassing and even if it makes me have to throw up#<- happened one time when i tried to talk to someone new. which is so. oh my god. there r ppl who have avtual fucking issues and then im#just like boohoo i tried to think abt a conversation starter and got so anxious i fucking threw up. GOD. i hateit i hate it i hate it. but#wtvr. ik i cant actually expect that from anybody basically like. ik its a stupid wish. idk. i just wish i had somebody who could help me#like. remember how to mask and how to socialize Like a real person. and wouldnt mind that im like. weird right now. and would be willing to#talk to me until i got normal and stuff. wtvr. idk ... 10000 lashings
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