#i just wanted to vent out my feelings
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continually annoyed by how every single post i've seen supporting the notion that "the journal pages in BoB were fakes" just feels like thinly veiled anti material
#i didn't spend this long being constantly shamed for enjoying the messed up fictional possibilities of billford#just for people to turn around and tell me that every single scrap of everything even potentially supporting my fannish interests is Fake#anyways this post Cannot be reblogged i am not interested in this breaching containment nor am i interested in debating#i just wanted to vent out my feelings#if you disagree that's your business#feel free to scroll onwards in peace#nova rambles#but g o d. i've had to unfollow or blacklist or block SO many people because of this.#it's so disheartening.#it just seems like people are Once Again treating characters as real people instead of fictional tools.#like yeah sure project your personal story onto a character as a means to try and heal#but i PROMISE you that someone in the corner shipping billford isn't a threat to that. stanford pines the character does not care#because stanford pines the character has no feelings.#there is No Need to 'debunk' everyone else's fun time like god#which is what this feels like. it feels like some people are trying to go 'HAH told you' and prove that the pages are fake#and i do not like that energy#like i don't care if people have these opinions in the comfort of their own brains#but it feels Weird to be constantly CONSTANTLY posting about it and trying to 'prove' it
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there are a lot of evil people in the world and a lot of darkness in the world and so itās very important for me to stress that now more than ever is the time to spread kindness and compassion. combat the evil by not only not partaking in it, but actively refuting it. destroy the notion that being compassionate or generous or kind to someone is uncool or embarrassing or even scary. be the change you want to see. start a chain reaction. positivity only breeds more positivity. do an act of kindness for someone so that that person who is too afraid to do it themselves can see you, realize that theyāre not alone, and perhaps sheepishly follow your example. and then the next person who is too afraid but sees that person can do the same. when bad news comes out about bad people or horrible atrocities in the world itās such an easy impulse to despair, and obviously itās important to feel what you need to feel. grieve. be angry. be sorrowful. be empathetic. but dust off your pants and get up and be a part of a chain reaction that, no matter how small the scale, and spread compassion and love and care. all the reasons why you might notāāitās hard! itās scary! people will make fun of me! itās useless because thereās too much evil!ā are all grade A arguments as to why you should. you have no idea how many people you could inspire to do the same. even if it doesnāt get you anyway far, you can at least say you have the nobility of trying. please choose love and please choose life. you are worth loving and you are worth inspiring others to love
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Constantly torn between my desire to convert and the crushing weight of knowing that I wonāt be able to exist in the wider fandom spaces that I love without being constantly reminded that Jews are always guilty until proven innocent post-Oct 7.
#Jk the bleak realization has already set in!#I just. God I just know Iām gonna have to process a whole new cultural trauma and itās gonna suck because post October 7 itās inescapable#Like Iāll see a popular creator I look up to for T/ADC stuff suddenly post that fucking chant out of nowhere & I have to choose between#Leaving bc that person obviously doesnāt look for Jewish perspectives bc of bias or staying and marinating in my disillusionment#I mean Iām already feeling the disillusionment no point not going through with it#Sorry Iām not trying to be a nihilist Iām just venting bc Iām really done#Jewish Convert#Prospective Convert#Jumblr#Vent#My Post#Leftist Antisemitism#Okay to reblog#I mean not sure why you would but you can if you want
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yknow what. I wanna say: CSA and COCSA survivors are all incredible, but I also wanna give a shout out to ppl who were exposed to sexual stuff or had any kind of sexual experience as a kid that they either aren't comfortable labelling as or don't consider abuse, but they know it still fucking sucked and shouldnt have happened. Even if that changes later in life and you identify as a victim/surivor, it can be messy to have to imagine those labels applying to the ppl in ur life and that can take time.
The most important thing is to prioritize your recovery + health, and to support other victims + survivors.
#COCSA ment#CSA ment#This is like. V personal and venting (maybe over sharing)#It's. I'm going to be honest recent discussion really brought this back into my brain aaughhh. Not in a bad way necessarily#Just. I know I've had experiences that I think others might label this way and I struggle to really understand that#Beyond the gut feeling of ''it doesnt count'' there's the understand that I might be denying it bc of shame or even just. The fact I have#An internal definition of it that excludes myself. And that I don't want to imagine the other ppl as 'abusive' and I don't think they had#The intent to hurt me. And the fact in one situation I know none of us understood boundaries or consent bc we didn't#Actually talk with adults about what like. Sex and sexuality meant so all out fucking context was porn. And just idk#I have specific experiences but those Memorable Incidents were just part of a larger pattern of me learning Abt sex young#And then failing to get proper sex ed for years. And the internet. And the Fucking Internet#(fanfic is like. Anti sex ed. 70% just the fucking worst shit to internalize 30% ''hey this is actually Okay'')#Sex Ed... Like in school... Needs a fucking HEAVY overhaul but it's still better than nothing usually
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acnes your pd
#I just really wanted to draw them with those star pimple patches I think theyāre cute#theyāre totally from Ashe and they got passed around and they had to force one onto Will cause he thought it would ruin his aesthetic#was very torn between giving Vynce horribly broken out skin or him just having perfect skin and just having one to feel included#they need to be teenagers goddammit let them be teenagers#this is also kind of a vent? cause my acneās gotten really bad lately and its annoying and I felt like inflicting this upon the purps#jrwi#jrwi fanart#jrwi pd#prime defenders#dakota cole#ashe winters#vyncent sol#william wisp#Valās doodles#my art
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I don't hold grudges, that anger feeds into self-loathing instead.
#messyr#vent art#vent post#just confusing things I wanted to get out#as much as i want to 'hate' them- i cant#no matter how bad they get- i always forgive them and it hurts. But why does it feel wrong to feel hurt- that i'm not supposed to feel hurt#my mind has been altered so much idfk what to think and feel abt sometimes LMAO#one of those birds in a gilded cage AHAHA#learned helplessness#bpd#sometimes i wonder if i get out of this cycle of abuse
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I'm gonna be 100% honest with y'all chat (my followers) the reason why I'm oc posting is because I pretty much ocified the red army so I could do whatever the fuck i want with them without the shackles of ew. Other than the fact that they were glorified ocs already
another reason is because I'm genuinely tired of ew as a whole and my attachment to the series nowadays is practically nonexistent that it took me so little to detach myself from it š (I was only here for the pilots lmfao I literally idgaf about anything else anymore)
In other words
#this is a very strong vent but eh whatever#i wanted to be clear on the direction this blog is taking from now on#might even change url if i feel like it#the thing is. my ocs right here are literally just the red army. if you wanna see them from me youll them in this form#whos patryck? i only know derryck kedzierski#out of ew#pxrsonal#txt pxst#oc
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Okay. I have a lot to explain. First:
Listen- I am REALLY sorry for not drawing a lot. For the last month (by this point itās probably been a month), Iāve been really, really behind on drawing and TSAMS lore. I donāt really feel that Iām apart of the fandom anymore. I just lost all my energy to actually dedicate myself to the lore of the show. I feel exhausted. Plus, school isnāt helping. For the last two weeks itās been kind of hard for me, I mean aside from my trip, but then I had to catch up on work then do 1 project. I had two tests today.
Art block is hitting hard and I hope you understand. I just feel like I want to draw, I have a lot of ideas, I just can never get a result I actually like. Itās a process of drawing and deleting all my progress. I feel like itās either 1., I make too much art, which in turn exhausts me further, or 2., I donāt make art at all. Iāve just been lurking around Tumblr and going around, like āoh Iām so going to draw thisā, but Iām realizing that I definitely do not have enough energy to draw anything TSBS right now.
My main focus at the moment is school and school only. I hope you understand this because I had a shit ton of late work I had to do from the days I missed while I was away (7 fucking pages), and I had to zoom through that, THEN I had the science test. I had my math test today and I did well and now Iām tired af. I just donāt feel like drawing in general, period. Coloring maybe, but I just have too many things to do OUTSIDE of drawing online on here. Basically this is just me taking a small break. Iām sorry that content may be slower on my account, but I feel like I need this or else I will eventually just actually pass out from the stress. No one did nothing wrong aside from me. Iām just torturing myself. My brain hurts and my sleep schedule is damaged. Planning events is NOT fun and every weekend, I seriously just want a break, but OH someoneās coming over or weāre doing something or weāre going somewhere. I seriously cannot take a break unless I have NOTHING TO DO, which is kind of impossible considering my motherās plans.
I just donāt feel like drawing. I feel like Iām starting to sleep more early everyday. My mind is a mess. It hurts. It hurts.
Iām just so sorry about this. I hope you guys understand I may not be in the best mental state (even if I act like Iām not, and same at with school, @kiwikay3 ā¦), and I donāt feel like drawing for a bit. Just expect me to give you updates once in a while and maybe thatās it. Just donāt expect a ton of content or doodles from me.
This problem has nothing to do with you guys, I just want you to know this and know what to expect from me from now on. Iāll catch up with all my art requests and things like that eventually, I just feel like school has taken a toll on me. On my health. But, just myself overall. I donāt want anyone to worry. Iāll probably be active less and less so itās fine if you unfollow me or something because I feel like Iāve already failed you all, and Iāve already reached the peak of my art journey (mid-October or so). Iām so sorry but I feel like when I write these I just get so emotional and I canāt really describe any of it in words. Iām probably going to sleep after this before I actually start crying. Iām actually so annoyed and sad and I just feel so many emotions. My brother is not helping, because HE does not care about his physical health so me and my parents do instead.
Sorry. Thank you all.
I feel like Iām going to have a mental breakdown fuck i hate this
#TW vent#tsams#important#-#I just want you guys to know whatās going on#for now at least#Iāll probably be in a better mood later.#thank you and sorry.#I know this timing is pretty inconvenient#Iāll try to draw more#but Iām never satisfied#with how it turns out#so I delete it#and the cycle continues#and itās like it starts melting my brain#Iām so stressed#Iām already crying oh my fucking god#i hate this#but I love you guys#I love you guys so much#thank you.#my brain hurts#it hurts#it hurts.#it hurts..#fuck#oh my god I need a break#I feel like shit#-kin
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A wilting flower is not always beyond healing. It'll just take time.
#a small doodle! Just a little one! Wanted to draw but also didnt want to draw but also needed to draw#you know? idk if that makes any sense#dont mind me-#if anyone is worried I am okay please dont take this as some big vent or anything!#just art I needed to get out of my head. Ya kno??? nothin crazy!!!#anyway anyway im gonna go play a game or something!!! Drink water. Eat a snack! Sit down in some quiet for a moment#Yall should do that too! You! Drink water! Eat something! Sit and be calm for a moment.#welcome home oc#dandy leon#I always feel bad tagging my art of dandy alone with the welcome home tags??? uh-#my art#sketches
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Hey, Hunter!
Aside from the chronic back pain, what other long lasting symptoms did you have from the Rot, if any?
((Okay! So my attempt to answer this somehow developed into a rant about Hunterās characterization soā¦ here you go lol.))
So I have to answer this on Hunterās behalf, because part of his character is that he doesnāt like to admit any sort of weakness. Apart from chronic pain, I essentially just gave him the symptoms of low iron. He gets light headed and dizzy, and he is often tired or low energy.Ā
Hunter has this mindset that being weak, or showing weakness makes you useless. (I wonder what could have possibly made him develop that way of thinking. Surely nothing to do with the way he was raised and treated growing up.) Keep in mind, Hunterās very logical logic only applies to him. He wouldnāt judge Survivor for not being strong, Hunter just has unhealthy expectations of himself that definitely arenāt realistic anymore with his post-rot symptoms, and were never actually that realistic to begin with.
He has a habit of ignoring his own symptoms, and pretending to be perfectly fine when he isnāt. HeādĀ neverĀ admit it if his chronic pain is making it difficult for him to function properly.Ā
(His physical health is one thing, but donāt even get me started on how Hunter views his mental health lmao.)
Uhhh anyways bonus light headed/dizzy Hunter:
#Rw siblings au#Rw Hunter#Me when I PROJECT#I have low iron#I also feel genuine fear/panic when I hear the word āwhiningā lmfao#Noooooo Iām not weak at all#Let me go for this run even though Iām light headed because I donāt want anyone to think Iām trying to get out of running#And then why donāt I faint on the road like a dumbass#But hey at least nobody accused me of making my condition up for attention or something#Like Iām scared they would have if Iād tried to sit out of the run#Haters (my parents) be like:#āStop whining! Suck it up! Youāre being dramatic!ā š”š”š”#And then I faint and suddenly my momās all:#āWhy donāt you ever take care of yourself???ā š„ŗš„ŗš„ŗ āif you were light headed you should have told somebody!!!ā š„ŗš„ŗš„ŗ#Like UGHHHH shut up itās your fault Iām like this#Iām gonna shut up now I just realized Iāve been venting in the tags lmfao#Anyways I love projecting on the sillies#Gotta be one of my favourite hobbies
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mascot
#this isnt vent dw!!! i dont smoke either i was just kinda going for some sort of vibe#i know its usually played for laughs or like. dark humor whenever ppl draw mascots without their heads and u can see the actor#but i always found it fascinating and a little sobering. ever since i was a kid ive always been hyperaware of ppl in costumes#like. even if i tried to block it out id be thinking the whole time 'its not real. theres a person in that suit who gets paid to do this'#it used to be an uncomfortable nagging feeling but now its like. oh yeah theres someone with a whole life story doing this. idk#i think when i tell ppl im not conscious of my body its like. im not dysphoric or experience dissociation but. at the same time#it feels like my physical body doesnt fully outwardly represent me..?? like some sort of costume#i like to phrase it as being a giant hairless mecha and inside theres a very tiny puppy piloting the damn thing#and the other thing is. when i draw my sona i dont really see it as what i /wish/ i looked like or how i want people to see me#its like being in a costume and just. fucking around with some sort of barrier between myself and others#plus mascots arent allowed to talk and i dont really. engage with other ppl in public spaces that it kinda feels like ad lib#i share a lot abt my life but ironically im also a private person..... i guess it just gives me some sort of control over my identity#my art#myart#my oc#sona#mascot#furry#??? is this furry art????#twinkle#puppysona#edit: had to outline it bc i just realized it looks really weird on dark mode -_-
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anyone else profoundly tired
#i feel so fucking hopeless for my future as an artist#i don't want to#but i do#it feels like fucking everything is against us#there's an aching exhaustion in my bones that english can't describe#ok to reblog#i dont care#hopefully some other artists out there will feel solidarity#sorry for the negativity#vent#negative#im just so tired and sick to my stomach
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the pressure fandom right now
#pressure#roblox pressure#pressure roblox#pressure game#pressure sebastian#sebastian pressure#sebastian solace#sebastian roblox#Like bro I have never felt this much āpressureāš¤Ŗ with fandom drama before like#like holy hell#I just feel mixed feelings about this entire situation#Like one second I see someone talking shit about the dev team and the fandom while trying to Spread a false Narrative#About zerum and then I see someone defending the dev team and the fandom#Or seeing people deconstruct this entire Situation and just boil it done to people being childish about someone else's character and#Boundaries or I'm seeing horror stories about zerum and zeal and other dev members getting doxxed and harassed#And then I'm seeing people getting pissy about the whole thing because of shipping drama or I'm seeing people calling zeal out for#ableism or something else entirely#Like I get where people are coming from with this#This isn't the only time people got mad at a character for put boundaries on their character#And I know it would be the last time unfortunately#I'm not trying to defend zeal or zerum nor am I trying to get people to hurt them#I just feel awful about this whole thing and it's just a reminder to stick to smaller fandoms where people are less vocal ig#ok i'm done yapping#Selfshippers live your best life#And I hope the rest of the dev team recovers from this and try to learn how to be more Professional#Once again#I'm not trying to defend anyone I'm just confused and scared of this whole thing#I just wanted to make silly crossover art with sebastian and not have the fear of someone coming into my inbox or dms with my full name#For once :(#thank you for coming to my semi vent ted talk about the current pressure fandom issue
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at first getting diagnosed with cptsd was like, "yay my trauma has been validated (it always was valid)!" and i really thought that was going to be it, but then i started to do research as i do whenever i realize i have something and learned that!! the way i experience socialization is!! quite horrid actually!!
#i have had this stupid fucking rule for myself for years since i was little#''dont speak unless you're spoken to or else something bad will happen. nobody wants to hear what you have to say unless they ask''#I TELL MYSELF THAT ALL THE TIME????#AND I DIDNT REALIZE IT WASNT NORMAL#thats not something that healthy people think to themselves whenever they want to talk to people. they just talk to them#they dont tell themselves not to speak to people for fear of what may happen to them jesus christ spacie#i get so scared when i message anybody ANYTHING#bc everything and anything i wanna talk about feels so stupid why would anyone give a shit#staring at a funny joke i want to send someone for 30 fucking minutes before deleting it b/c my brain is like ''errmm who cares?''#''also they're going to yell at you for wasting their time!!!''#i sent my friend a meme once and had a panic attack (or maybe a flashback?? im still trying to figure out what they are) immediately after#this shit sucks dude. it sucks#at least im processing what happened to me. thats why it hurts so bad rn its been stockpiled for like.#2 decades#im not looking for any sympathy here im just putting it out there#so that anybody who feels the same way i do know they're not alone#ive been struggling everyday for like 2 months now (actually DEFINITELY longer)#it will get better. things just need to be taken one step at a time#i have gotten thru my worst days i have a 100% success rate#how many days have i been alive#7930#lightwork#lets keep it goin#vent#trauma tw#trauma mention#wrote this post thru a flashback btw!! dealing with them is getting easier#before i would be unable to function for days at a time!!!#with one of the most recent ones i had i was so in the thick of it i avoided everyone i knew for a week cuz i was convinced#i was an evil unlovable freak that only wanted to hurt people
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#tried rlly hard to shade this like skin blender idk but gave up and just half toned it#my shading is shit and I canāt draw astarion for shit#man i hate realism#why do i keep trying to do it#anyways i hate the way this came out but i feel bad for not posting today#my art#art#digital art#sketch#astarion#astarion bg3#bg3 astarion#bg3#baldurās gate 3#bg3 fanart#bg3 art#baldurās gate iii#concept art#i should stop comparing my art to otherās bcs everytime i try to change my artstyle and force myself to draw in a new style i fail and die#the way i pick up art styles is just fun experimentation and somehow never made by studying other peopleās artstyle#im not ready for my holiday to end but at the same time i feel like most of my bad thoughts are generated by too much free time#so mayhaps losing my free will for like 12 hours a weekday will fix my sads so uhhh#idk man#nobody reads these tags so i can say whatever i want#if youāre reading this uhhh#sorry you had to read me vent in an shitty astarion doodle post
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sick(?)
#messyr#doodle#vent art#?? well not really! just skl#coping through drawing bc its what keeps me from rotting in bed#my body cant keep up fjdshzhl and i just feel worse every time i try to 'function' even as basic tasks it makes me want to throw up AAAAH#this artist does not KNOW how to take care of themselves help help help help fsdjxhf#how am i supposed to fkin tell my dad nor my relatives im just so- PHYSICALLY- and MENTALLY TIRED without it perceived as lazy or an excuse#same goes to my professors bc ive been missing out ALOT in school lately and my classmates are also probably wondering where the hell I am#( group activities etc etc i want to km s - I've failed TWO MAJOR SUBJECTS BC OF HOW IVE BEEN DOING-AAAAAAAAAH)#if not physically then its my noisy ass brain that spirals me into depressive episodes where I literally cant do jackshit about
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