#i just want to be a man. thats why ive done all this
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the trouble with being trans during a culture war is that i am just a guy
#zeke.txt#i dont have any deep or important statements to make about gender#i dont want to be seen as A Transgender with all the baggage it entails#i just want to be a man. thats why ive done all this#but if i am open abt being trans it wont be seen as like. the fun fact i feel it is#but rather a core part of my identity which changes everything ppl thought they knew abt me#so instead i just go through life feeling like im lying by being 'stealth' which is a terrible word for it anyway#because now that my life is a political topic i cant talk about it without becoming a political object#whatever. im over it. <isnt
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Everyone arguing about Stannis, JonCon, Jaime, god forbid Jorah being the 1000th commander of the NW….when it will be Jon again 🌚
#btw this is not stannerism like i do have legitimate reasons why i think it will be jon at the end#i think an interesting part of jon’s politiking as LC is him realizing how deep the rot is in the watch#he spends an entire book - agot - realizing that he institution he spent his childhood idolizing is not so glorious#he spends the next book directly confronting the issues that come with being a good man ( helping gilly#and being a true man to the watch and starting to notice the cracks in the system#and then asos is like the turning point you know?#adwd is him trying to fix the watch from within but failing imo because as i said the rot is far deeper#it doesnt matter how many people you replace the watch needs an overhaul - a complete uprooting to the core#which is why i dont like theories of him being a passive bystander as the watch crumbles#its just too narratively juicy if he takes a part in the destruction of the watch coz yknow some things need to be cleansed w/ fire n blood#a nice lil parallel to dany and what shell be doing in the east throughout winds#i like him as the 1000th lc because its a nice round number and thats a bit silly but its also signifying a renewal#Its a blank slate which is essential to jon because he does have a vision for the watch and the wildings!#and he can start from the ground up - and like one of the most underrated themes in jon’s arc is nation building#ive said before that i think the show kinda got it right….like we’ll see a weird mesh of lc of the nw and kbtw as jon’s endgame#I wont get into that now….but i know a lot of jon stans dont want him back at the wall because it seems needlessly cyclical and i get it#and i get that the watch isnt the most glorious place to be…but i really do think its meant to be a vehicle to explore themes of rebirth#and renewal which appear in jon’s arc -think of jon’s messianic framing and the watch being his “new earth” after all is said and done#not so much a place of punishment but a place to find new meaning and exist beyond many societal frameworks#for the cripples bastards and broken things….anywayyyyy lmaoo#asoiaf#jon snow
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I always get detained at da border because PROFUNC never ended but basically I'm like if a targeted individual didn't even care
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Ok so these designs are cute as hell, the Internet is just mean
I have too many thoughts about a game I still need to watch
#goodbye volcano high#i dont have the money to buy it but god i need to watch a playthrough when i have time it's so interesting to me#like; the theme of 'yeah we're going die but that doesn't mean we can enjoy what time we have left' sounds amazing to me love that#its so funny i was actually watching a review of it that was basically 'this game sucks and here's why'#and then it just started listing off shit like- 'the characters designs are pastel they're nonbinary you die no matter what'#and then my neurons just went off and went '👁️👁️ oh! sounds amazing i want to see more'#fuck yeah pastel nonbinary dinosaurs lets go#well i think its just fang thats nonbinary and then two other trans characters#i saw a cutscene! and it was about the experiences of being an apart of a family as sec-gen immigrant and trans-#and i thought that was cool as hell dont recall ever seeing that in any of thr arts ive seen before (but there's lots of art out there!)#heard it got some glitches tho (havent looked in depth of what those glitches are) hopefully it got patched out#also im so fucking pissed i saw the gator game before i saw this 😮💨 (context; apparently made by people who made a fangame where they#the mc of this game a datable side character and they only have a happy ending if they detransition? which fucking yikes😬)#i saw people say 'oh but they did it empathetically' like how the fuck is taking a canon nb character and making them only happy through#detransitioning empathetic that sounds super fucking shitty and gross#i think a character that detransitions can be done and would be interesting to see- but this just reeks of people being transphobic for real#oh also purple dino has a slug or worm or something apparently! seems cute! just a lil thing#apparently its a rhythm game; listened to some of the songs and it sounded good! sadly i suck at rhythm games#but apparently failing doesn't affect the story? kinda wish it would but honestly better for me lol-#pink one and fang end up dating i believe- from what i saw pink is like- soft spoken artist? dunno if accurate but she's cute#all the characters are cute just look at them!!! awesome#also they have to just continue school like normal before they die and honestly thats so real#also saw people dislike the fact you dont see the characters actual die or the meteor#which is ??? dunno i just think some things are better left implied than shown-#anyways man i keep trying to find neat stuff about the game and all i see is people bitchin about it or praising the shit fan on instead 😔#man if i had two nickles for a time i grew to become obsessed with a media only for loads of people to hate id have two nickles#first nickle is kat elliot she's such a cool character Internet wasn't ready for her#also yes i saw obsessed i can just tell this is something ill go bonkers for#i mean god look how much text is in my tags for this already! and i still need to see the game in it's fullness!#im sure there's other cool shit
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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trying to decipher if the overwhelming dread & Thoughts are cause of the state of the world or cause i need a shower.
vent post in the tags. idk. do whatever 👍
#sorry bros im about to ventpost in these mf tags 👍#im so fucking tired man. im already suicidal to begin with but the Everything happening is making it Worse. Yippe Yahoo Hooray.#therapy in a week though so ive got that at least.#this is the worst time of year for shit to go south.but Uh Oh saying that makes me feel like a selfish fuckass because other people -#- have it worse. like. god fucking damn. i get Extra suicidal around september -> march range sure. but other people are literally suffering#like as we fucking speak. and ive done fuckall to help cause i dont know HOW to help. but thats not a fucking excuse#im just being comfortable in my lazy ass depression spiral cause im a selfish fucking prick. “i cant spare the energy to vett things”#other people are fucking dying and im over here like “noo im too tiwed :( i cant do anyfing so im not gona do anyfing cuz im wazy and tiwed”#what the fuck is wrong with me lmao. knowing me im not gona change shit anyway despite fucking complaining about it cause im just. fucking#Like That.#idk. i was reblogging some of those “hold in there dont kill yourselves” posts cause like. yk. suicide bad or fucking whatever. but someone#on this site said something along the lines of “ok but how many people reblogging/posting these told jews to kill themselves” and like.#i dont know. i dont fucking know dude. so i guess im not reblogging Those anymore.#theres bigger issues out there and here i am focusing on some queer people who might kill themselves. idk. i should just join them yk#cause i never fucking focus on the bigger shit cause “i dont know how” and “i dont want to make things worse so i just wont do anything” so#im not doing fuckall other than just being part of the fucking problem here.#i should probably just delete social media for a while and see from there.#or just fucking drink about it thats the other option. its worked for me before (lie) so i may as well do it again am i right#im sorry i never like. boost gofundmes or fundraisers and shit i just.#i dont have a fucking excuse. im just a lazy fucking bastard in my own stupid fucking comfort circle.#“oh no seeing that people are dying makes me uncomforyable :(” ok well people are fucking dying you self absorbed douchebag. why cant you#get off your stupid fucking ass and do something. get a job so you can fucking help people or *something#its not like you have to pay rent and shit.#<- all about myself. cause yk. self centered douchbag. hooray.#i dont pay rent and i dont have to pay for my own food. i still live with my parents. im fucking useless to society so i may as well get a#job and send the money i dont fucking need to somrone who DOES need it. but here i am.#in.my stupid fucking bed til noon cause “the world is scary and jobs are hard :(”#its fucking retail. retail isnt as fucking hard as like. construction and shit but here i am anyway “unable” to do shit.#i fucking could if i just fucking ballsed up and put up with shit. but no. here i fucking am going “nooo i should just kill myself instead”#vent post
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[ Nikke spoilers for mid September 2024 update mini story / my comments on it. ]
Closeted trans dudes dressing up at the family function like:
It's such a familiar scene, for family to see you dressing up out of obligation and then being like, 'Oh, NOW you're so beautiful, you should do this more often.' And internally, your body is screaming that it feels so wrong, why did you perform your perceived gender for this event! Or like, for me personally too, the whole missing the vibe of the event and dressing up way more than anyone else, and then feeling so out of place. I've joked before about Red Hood having older brother vibes, maybe she has trans vibes for me too now, lol.
Also, strange that Liliweiss is saying 'for the future' to Red Hood. Who, y'know, is basically terminally ill (corrupted). Red Hood doesn't 'have' a future, she just has the present and past. At this point in this mini-story thing (I'm assuming it takes place around the time of the Red Ash event), is Liliweiss aware of the plans to integrate Red Hood into Rapi, and therefore 'have' a future? Or am I just reading into this way too much? Lol. Just sounded like a really weird and inconsiderate thing to say to her.
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That aside, why the fuck did y'all vote the dress over the other two Red Hood skins?! I'm so disappointed, the other two were way cooler and not out of character:
((I mean, I guess it's technically in-character since it's canon now, and has to do with 'old music' but c'mon, man...))
Image description below cut:
First image: Red Hood from Nikke: Goddess of Victory is in a strappy and revealing dress. It's the same colour as her hair. She's embarrassed and standing next to a gramophone, while holding a champagne glass. She is also wearing fingerless half-palm leather gloves. Text: Red Hood: Oh jeez, I can't do this! I just can't!
Next two images: Text: Dialogue:
Commander: You did well in that outfit.
Red Hood: Anything was better than staying at that party, even fighting raptures. I've never been so glad to have a bunch of them show up.
Rapunzel: Your dress is all dirty, though. And the hem is all torn...
Red Hood: Who cares? It's not like I'm going to be wearing this ever again.
Liliweiss: Why not? I thought you'd be keeping it for the future.
Red Hood: No thanks. Not a chance.
Snow White: That's too bad. At least I finally got to see you all dressed up. Can I at least take a picture for posterity?
Red Hood: Absolutely not. I don't want to leave any evidence of this humiliating sight.
Last three images are the Red Hood skins/appearances that we voted on. First image is the feminine dress with the gramophone mentioned before, which won the poll. Second image is Red Hood on a motorcycle with a leather jacket, crop top, mini shorts, and thigh highs. Third image is Red Hood standing next to a wolf, and she is wearing form-fitted high-rise pants, a strappy harness bra-top and collar, and a cropped blazer.
#we couldve had a better mini story than performative femininity#nikke#red hood#red hood nikke#goddess of victory: nikke#nikke goddess of victory#nikke spoilers#CoriPlaysNikke#Cori Plays Nikke#idr which tag i use lol#Cori.exe#Post.exe#Image.exe#long post#i cant remember if i voted bike or wolf lol the vote i cast was on june 27 and its currently sept 21 so it was a while ago...#...and the link i RTed doesn't tell me which one i voted (usually i try to put a screenshot as a reply but i must have forgotten)#i DEFINITELY did not vote the out of character strappy dress lmao wtf#tbh im keeping her default skin on but its nice they gave us a mini story for it at all#also lmao @ rapunzel looking for the commanders mags. neon already found em (neons personal story) and theyre gay mags (bless)#i mean unless im misremembering that im super tired rn and ive been typing this post for a while and have more to say on another post#other post TBA im too tired to make that one rn. actually i have a lot of nikke things i want to post but i keep forgetting lol#just expect more i have a lot i wanna commentate on but its 1am and i still gotta shower tonight#lol lemme stop nitpicking this post#but yeah the story was like. oh man. ive done that before. countless times. it sucks. i got hella secondhand embarrassment...#...bc ive been there before. in feminine clothes and shit. and ppl suddenly like u a lot more...#...and its like. guys. this is basically a costume. its not who i am. no im not gonna wear a fucking dress all the time.#and it sucks bc it aint safe to come out to justify why you dont wanna look like that all the time. (not that ppl should Have to justify it)#let ppl wear stuff thats ooc and treat it normally dont hound them about it like this bc then it becomes a nightmare
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bedtime nowww probably ummm today qas not what i wanted it 2 be but its fine. i dont feel negative just a very very very numb day which is almost worse. but only almost 🙏
#i did get thr laundry done didnt fold it didnt take a shower#so thatll hopefuly be tmrw#i hope im able to do an activity with somebody tmrw.... the kids will be back at school so umm. no risk of weeman asking for my laptop in#the morning. or maybe me n lamp could play aa... idk#i feel like such a loser i go 1 day without bothering my family and im like wahhh im lonely. Can you shut up ..... we r better than this.#but wtvr. thats also a mean thought and i shouldnt be idolizing the way i lived last year. We were taking spongebaths and eating#1 bowl of soup a day crying ourselves to sleep every night and literally going weeks on end wo talking to our loved ones. so why am i like#We need to go back ! well i know why its bc i cant just let myself heal and move on bc of my stupid complex#and tbf i was very efficient back then. i ws able to do my spongebaths at least every 3 days and i did my laundry every week right on#schedule and i had a job....all it took was literally not being a person in any meaningful way FJFNGJGN. idk#it was very simple. its still very simple perhaps simpler (#no job) but instead i just feel guilty i guess. sbt everything#which i ws doing last year but again i was too out of it to rly dwell. i just cried at work a lot abt it#but now its like. i dont have a job to go to to focus on. my interests/hobbies can only distract me for a few days maximum b4 they become#nothing 2 me. and then im just back in limbo again and it feels pointless#and even when its a 'good' phase of something actually keeping me distracted from everything its like. not. all it does is ruin my sleep#schedule again yk. ik im literally the timeloop guy so u think id loveee Everyday being exactly the same over and over and over but well i#dont. bc they arent actually the same day theyre just reminders that everything does keep fucking going but im stuck. which is the opposite#of what i want. and what id have if the beautiful timeloop would simply rescue me. wtvr tho.... she doesnt even know i exist 😥#little joke. IDK. like i said its better ig than having a truly miserable day but. man. i wish everything was better#i ws gonna say like it used to be but. yk. ive been depressed since i was like 7 its not like. idk. i wish i was born different and i wish#my head worked and i wish none of it had evrr happened. but itis ok. i cant think of a funny cutesy alternative to put here so we will just#say nothing. yay
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experimenting w/ blood colors, b/c red blood would not stand out on this hoe’s already red-as-hell design
#my art lol#blood tw#gore tw#self harm tw#vocaloid#fukase vocaloid#vocaloid fukase#ughhhh why do drawigns take so so long to make nowadays 😭 i can waste like an entire day doing this stuff man#dont have enough time to do the things i want or the motivation... well the last point maybe actually i do have motivation its called spite#and just these dumb fake computer program nerds are on my mind everyday all the time. please talk to me abt them 🥺#everytime my old voca arts on here get notes or my yt shit gets views/likes/comments/whatever i become slightly more powerful#yes thats dumb but. whatever.#ANYWAYS why is this bitch's hair so hard to draw. LITERALLY EVERYTIME I DRAW HIM HIS HAIR IS DIFFERENT#LIKE AHKDSJHGK. his hairstyle isnt even that complicated wtf 😭 but it fucks me over so bad the hell!!! SOMEHOW EVEN LEN'S IS EASIER#in general the members of the meme squad im noticing i just cannot draw consistently at all... pain and sufferign but ily them#PIKO ESP IS A MOTHERFUCKER TO DRAW the hell is going on w/ his dress thing and his boots. augh. flower at least has good ref sheets#sorry to peeps expecting wholesome art or smthn (but when have i really done that??? the ogs know im edgy as hell 😩✌️😎#ive done blue blood on him before so thats the one i prefer lowkey; the others didnt come out so good 😔 green's ok tho#was also going to do like a dark purple/black but im tired and also black wouldnt b very noticeable on him i think either...
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Ohh no.
#ignore#clownery ahead#i may be fucked. this concert and this whole trip has like solidified my feelings for my best friend.#like before they were like there and i knew and it was def growing bc of living together and stuff#but i was getting on top of it and being careful and smart about it. ive done it before and everything#but man this whole thing. the way we've interacted#its a level of comfortability we havent really done before.#idfk why maybe bc of like natural progression of friendship idk#i wrapped my arm around her shoulder more today than i probably have in my whole life#we were so touchy at the concert bc yknow we're having fun dancing and singing and stuff. sitting close to each other#but the way my insides go crazy at every touch. whether its her touching my arm with the back of her hand to get my attention and resting#it there for a moment. or the hug we had after the concert that was so fucking strong bc we were both emotional.#i go wild inside im like a fool. all butterflies and warmth and that shit#thats not good to feel about my best friend and roommate 😐 and i know and i gotta work on it and find some solution.#but bro if we keep being this touchy. like if this is just how our friendship is now.#it will be the best and worst thing to happen. because it feels amazing but it will never progress further and god do i want it to#and i gotta stop being jealous abt every dumb guy. its bc of insecurity and i know it. i instantly compare myself in the most painful way#every time she talks abt her crush it hurts so much and i gotta stop myself from thinking those thoughts or lamenting that she will never#talk that way about me or feel that way about me#fuck this is gonna be a rough one#but i am still choosing to not let that tarnish the amazing time i had seeing taylor swift. she was the first artist i ever wanted to see#in concert bc she was like the first artist i ever became a fan of as a lil 6 year old#and i finally got to see her and it was incredible and i wish it had never ended#(and it wouldnt have been as amazing as it was if she hadnt come with me)
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lying face flat on the floor passed out, vatican trio and their "if i get news of you dying another time i'll fucking get you" and "please take care of my friend this time as well".
the way that their designs are both archetypes that suggest they're not super in touch with their emotions (aloof black-haired guy and airheaded jock) but they're in fact both so casual and vocal about how much tesilid means to them
#s-class heroine spoilers#vatican trio#thinking once again about how hestio and ephael are clearly very good friends to tesilid and about how#this is not necessarily good news considering his. regressions.#tapas comments sections being like 'oh nooo tesilid has to regress so many times and ailettes not there'#me shoving it all aside and being like 'AAAAAAA tesilid has his friends by his side but they dont remember what he does!!!!!!!'#thinking about that one post thats like can we be more insane about friendships. no more insane than that. no more than that#thats me im like yeah okay romance is cool only in the seventeenth is cool but what about being in every round that sucks#i think if friendship was a major theme in canon i would be more normal about this but unfortunately this doesnt seem to be the case#so ill just cook my own food.....#still. props to irinbi for including such wholesome friendships even if they arent the focus#man i want to write another vatican trio fic but i have no ideas or vibes in my head#i want to read another one of festering wound / the 2nd fic but like ive already written that fic#its already done why do i feel the itch to write another one like it#gngngngng i need the three of them to be less normal about each other#hestio & ephael i understand bc to their knowledge tesilid is fine he may have had a near death exp but he has a girlfriend now#not that having a girlfriend automatically erases trauma but he certainly did not appreciate them being around the two of them lmao#but like. shakes tesilid. can you be less normal about them. think about them in your head sometimes maybe#i know youve probably seen them everyday for the last [censored] number of years but please throw me a bone#i want to see hestio and ephael reacting to the knowledge that tesilid has regressed for god knows how long#wait thats the plot of the hestioreed fic maybe its time to go back to that#screw the prequel itll get done when it gets done....#hm thats also the plot of the genderbend au but that au has tesilette and im just kinda 😭 not interested in writing romance#or more specifically the falling in love process. i just want them already in the blender that is one sided pining
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oh jeez. so much broken glass. ill get the vacuum
bonus facts about this piece under the cut
ANYA: I gave her the nighttime screen because shes associated primarily with it. but in addition to that, I chose the nightscreen for her death being the brightest thing for her in the darkest time (why the moon is on hery) she takes power away from jimmy by making that choice. If you look in her eyes, you will see a bottle of pills. yeah. you get it. The glass shatter also represents her death
SWANSEA: first of all, I've grown up drawing nothing but twinks and furries. drawing swansea was the most fun ive ever had drawing something completely new. fat old man supremacy. okay, but i chose the sunset screen for swansea as he is a fading light. still bright, sticking around, but "on his way out." i added some pink to the water reflection to represent Daisuke and his influence on Swansea. Also there is a gun in his eyes. and the bullet hole glass. It's chaotic due to the nature of the wound (thanks jimbus) and for the fact i couldn't figure out how to do two bullet wounds.
DAISUKE (🎉): i picked the daylight screen for daisuke because of his bright personality. the clouds represent his doubt in being on the tulpar, but insistence on making the most of it. he has a slit on his brow and i hand it to you to decide which you like more. Either a scar from skateboarding that he tells people is from getting into a fight, or alternatively just something he does to be cool. he has an axe highlight in his eyes, in addition to the glass shatter being that of an axe hitting glass. chaotic, messy, but ensuring a mercy kill. thats why it's not clean at all.
Jimmy and Curly: Originally, jimmy was facing the viewer, and curly was also looking to the viewer. after an artistic fit of mania, i completely restructured him to turn his back on both the tulpar crew and the viewer. he looks to the viewer instead of curly, because he wants to be seen. even if he cannot face his actions (or us, the player.) I decided to put him in the blood ocean in curly's nightmares. jimmy displaces himself from a place of friendship to one belonging in nightmares. specifically for his treatment of curly. he invades curly's greatest fears as an unseen horror. i also realized curly would be looking to jimmy, as he never looks away from him in the game. gunshot glass shatter for jimmy too. its especially pretty because it was the best thing his ass could have done (i just thought it looked cool. no symbolism there)
stupid fun facts, to get references for jimmy i used vrchat.
bonus these as icons/wallpapers. use em with credit
#roadstostray#my art#mouthwashing game#mouthwashing#daisuke mouthwashing#daisuke#anya mouthwashing#anya#swansea mouthwashing#swansea#jimmy mouthwashing#jimmy#captain curly#curly mouthwashing#digital art#digital painting#wrong organ#please dear fucking hell dont let this die i spent literally a week on this
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#WE ARE SO BACK DUDE#MAN#this is like the first good night i've had in a while#goddamn it i fucking hate being an adult and it's something that's frustrated me in a way i don't know how to express for so fucking long#being able to admit that to myself and just say it out loud feels so fucking good. I do not want to do adult shit. i do not want to pretend#to be normal fuck everything and everybody i fucking hate being an adult i hate careers and social niceties fuck everything#god i fucking hate everything and im so happy to be able to say that again. life fucking sucks and thats it#oh my god ive been stuck in a positivity puddle for so long i hate it. complaining and hating is my lifee i will never stop#just oh my god it's so hard to be alive all the time and nobody ever talks about it and just expects you to do everything right all the tim#We are not going to fucking make it dude. what else is there. can we do something else#i feel so expected to just do things right all the time and i feel like people can see that and just make fun of me for existing all the ti#i fucking hate it! literally all of that shit makes me want to die. but like yeah like oh my god putting all of that down might fix me#we'll see. oh god the pokemon video looms large. im on gen 4 but i've been hardcore procrastinating on it. i'm just so done with all the sh#MAN i feel like a real person again i feel like i can breathe. i have been so frustrated w my friends and family for the longest time#and now i just feel like oh. yeah. literally none of this bullshit is necessary. why am i letting all these people tell me how to live#Who cares if im alone who cares if someones watching who cares if people like me i am alone i am happy i am doing what i want#like if i meet my goals and i feel like im doing what i think i should be doing then who cares. i'm having the experiences i want to have#and that's enough. it was always enough. and anybody who says it isn't should get over it. im fine. why are you trying to make me not fine#ok im done im done i just wnated to pour all this out. it feels a little cheesey but legitimately most nights to me feel like they dont mat#and this one is one that for the first time in a long felt like it finally did
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aouuugh my uterus......
#long long day at work codeine wasnt helping with cramps and my meds are less effective on my period :(#ive been doing okay most of the day tho just starting feeling kind of miserable omw home bc such a long wait at the bus stop in pain#and im kind of lonely at the moment but wont be able to climb tomorrow bc of cramps so thats my main social source gone :(#and it always feels worse at home bc if im having a hard time like in physical pain or feeling down my roommate cant rly handle it#like she cant rly be in the room with me the headphones go straight on. which is ok im realising its just how her type of autism works#so im trying not to get as upset at her abt it. with varying degrees of success but it just takes time#i mean i dont get upset AT her like ik its not her fault and i dont want her feeling like it is. I keep it internal + cry once im alone#just different social needs n boundaries innit. we're a bit incompatible is all#but its still hard. I'd like support from other ppl when I'm struggling i mean i think thats a fairly normal thing to want#but of the friends I would be comfortable talking to abt how i feel none of them have that kind of emotional availability#which again is ok like its not on them. and im very capable of dealing w my shit myself one way or another so its not a Need#but idk. it would just be nice. I feel like I've had to be so independent most of my teenage and adult life and I wish I could take a#break from that sometimes. even just a hug would be nice man#sorry i always come on here and talk abt the same problems... well youll see me do it again no doubt abt that 🫠#ughh and i feel so guilty for wanting things ppl cant give even though i know its not really my fault either and im allowed to want things#and i dont cross boundaries or make them feel bad abt it. i really hope i dont anyway. but still ahhh...#its so hard for me to feel connected to anyone if they cant rly engage w me emotionally at all like its a non negotiable#factor into closeness and trust for me and i get so frustrated bc i feel so distant and alienated from the ppl i care abt most#and ik i overreact bc of my rsd so maybe its just that its probably not even a real issue. but its real to me bc im the one who gets upset#man. anyway its okay just a really really long day. im gonna wash my dishes and then shower#and finish my book. maybe i should play some dead cells i miss it. i dont really want to think abt how i feel anymore#maybe ill see if anyones free to hang out tmr evening so i dont have to feel as lonely even if i cant leave the house after work#all good nice to have a plan anyway. done sniffling. my hot water bottle is helping thr cramps a littlr i think#.diaries#oh i dont think its helping actually ow. i took more codeine an hour ago why doesnt it do anything. not fairrr 😭
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me: -literally crying as i explain how roo was extra kind to me when i expected the bare minimum-
roo: miranda... thats the norm. you should expect guys to be gentlemen. men should be kind to women
me who has had so many things mentally damaged by men around me and thus have little expectations of others: um.... -sobbing- don’t think that is the normal thing for every guys alive
#miranda talking shit#at one thing i agree.... but as usual i dont apply but men should always treat women well....#he just heard me explain about the london trip and he kept saying 'thats the least he could do' binch no?!#i only required him to get me from the airport and bring me one sandwich... he went 5 levels higher than that even though i said he didnt#need to. ive had men be kind to me ofc but like...... roo is on a new level. thats why i thought i was in love with him. the amount of#respect and care he have given me... without.......... expecting anything back??? bro literally the best man out there#i am so used to always doing my best to be kind and helpful and caring but i never expect anything back. im not used to getting that#treatment. my shitty self image thinks i dont deserve it and need to earn the right to be treated above avarge#roo has cared for me and loved me and supported me as an friend and human for so many years and i cant ever repay him#when i lose hope in humanity or (cis/straight) men... i think about roo and all he does and have done and im like ah#no they are out there and called roo! i can talk about him forever like....#i dont want to be like... HE SAVED ME but.... he was a big part of a group of people who helped#me feel love and acceptance and find healing at my lowest point in life. he cant ever understand how much he have done#he didnt save me but he helped me to find the strenght to be brave and dare and live?#dude literally picked me up less than a year after my scide attempt when i was just.... trying to not attempt it again and fall back#on destructive behaviours. and he just.... was so nice from day one ... invited me to a group of people who some#are still active friends and who i all love even if we dont talk any more......#im sitting here crying ugly at the pc thinking of this like im !!!!!!!!!!!#i always talk about fabian hes my guy but roo.... he have done so so much..... i could spend the rest of my life repaying him and i'd still#think it wasnt enough. kindness.... acceptence just.... thought and care does so much....#the boys#roo
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Lando’s Biggest Fangirl (LN4)
Summary: It’s his girlfriend. Lando’s biggest fangirl is his girlfriend.
Warnings: language, sexual references???domestic lando 🧡🧡
Note: a filler while im super busy with school IM SORRY I COULDNT GET TO THE OSCAR CAUGHT IMAGINE TN BUT IT WILL HAPPEN TMRW I PROMISE. PROMISE.
y/nnn ass.
Comments:
Ln4andop81 BYE WHAT IS THIS
mclaren slumped
landonorris BABE.
- mclarensgirly idk why but this comment is so cute to me i love bf lando
landonorris everything about this post is so concerning
- y/nnn wdym? I think its perf
- landonorris first of all when did you take that of me and second of all THE CAPTION???
- y/nnn first of all i took it when you were sleeping thats obvi and second of all i like your ass. whats wrong with that?
- landonorris honestly? Nothing
f1fan2 i didnt know i needed this until rn
oscarpiastri your and lando’s relationship scares me sm
- landonorris TF??? WE DIDNT DO ANYTHING TO YOU.
- y/nnn PASTRY???? I was starting to like you too.
- oscarpiastri y/n i dont think thats the way you talk to someone who has that pic of your bf sweating after getting out of his race car.
- y/nnn oscar. this is not a playful matter. hand. them. over.
- mclarensgirly YO OSCAR LEAK THOSE IM BEGGING YOU
- landonorris WHY ARE PEOPLE TAKING PICS OF ME WITHOUT MY CONSENT.
—
y/nnn finally got that pic from oscar. safe to say my boyfriend’s teammate is in love with him.
Comments:
mclarensgirly THANK YOU FOR DROPPING THIS 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
ln4andop81 YOU ARE A GOD SEND.
landonorris yeah but im in love with you ❤️
- oscarpiastri WDYM “yeah” IM NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU????
- y/nnn idk man this pic says something else
- mclarensgirly LANDOSCAR IRL???? AWWWW
- f1fan2 OMG THE SHIP IS SHIPPING 🤭🤭
- oscarpiastri NO.
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y/nnn FROTHING AT THE MOUTH. CHEWING ON THE WALLS. JUMPING UP AND DOWN. GIGGLING. SMACKING MY FIST AGAINST MY HEAD.
Comments:
landonorris WOW.
landonorris youve out done yourself with this caption
landonorris very vivid image of you absolutely going bonkers
- y/nnn thats the POINT hottie 😉😉
- mclarensgirly y/n calling him hottie lol shes just like us
oscarpiastri i want to block you
danielricciardo sometimes i wonder if ive followed the wrong account and this is just a 16 year old girl’s fan page
- y/nnn 16 year old me wouldve been feeling the same type of way as me now is.
- danielricciardo plz never say that again
- landonorris im so concerned
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y/nnn awww look at my baby he’s so cute and babygirl 🤭🤭
Comments:
mclarensgirly the versatility of this woman never fails to amaze me
landonorris the eyes never lie, chica
- y/nnn AWWWW CAUSE YOU WERE LOOKING AT ME IN THIS OMFG AWWWWWWWWWWW
- landonorris i can hear your giggling
- y/nnn im not surprised
mclaren our favorite couple (we are so glad we didn’t come across another violent post on your page) 🧡🧡🧡
- y/nnn dw we will be getting back to regular programming shortly <3
- mclaren take the phone away. landonorris
- landonorris im literally on the other side of the world idk how i can do that
—
y/nnn BARK BARK 👹👹👹 GAHDAMN
Comments:
mclaren here we go again…
- y/nnn WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO??? SAY NOTHING??????
- mclaren YES.
- y/nnn WELL THATS NOT AN OPTION.
landonorris well the barking is new!
- y/nnn you say it like youre scared
- landonorris thats cause i am.
oscarpiastri bro
danielricciardo ngl he looks good here
- y/nnn THANK. YOU.
- landonorris thanks dan
- y/nnn SO YOU THANK HIM AND NOT ME????
- landonorris YOU BARKED AT ME.
- y/nnn ITS THE PROPER RESPONSE.
- landonorris NO BABY IT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT.
- f1fan2 their relationship is my roman empire
—
landonorris giving it a try: GAHDAMNNN BABY 🥵
Comments:
mclarensgirly WOWIEEEE SHE DOESNT GET ENOUGH RECOGNITION
F1fan2 she makes me question my sexuality.
Liked by landonorris
ln4andop81 mother of god almighty my jaw is on the floor
mclarensgirly thank you lando for blessing my eyes with this
ln4andop81 SHES SUCH A GREEK GODDESS
y/nnn see i dont like it when you do it 😟
- landonorris are you actually kidding me.
- y/nnn why cant you just leave me to my delusions in peace???
- landonorris bc they arent delusions im literally your boyfriend
- y/nnn YUM SAY IT AGAIN 😩😩😩
- landonorris omfg
#f1 fanfic#f1 imagine#f1 fic#f1 x reader#mclaren#lando norris x reader#lando norris imagine#lando norris fanfic#lando norris fluff#lando norris imagines#lando norris edit#lando norris smut#lando norris fanfiction#lando norris#lando norris x you
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