#to be normal fuck everything and everybody i fucking hate being an adult i hate careers and social niceties fuck everything

[lesbianpikachu]

.

[zan0tix]

I yap so much about the comic and the importance i find in its contents but i hope when i write dirk or jake or rlly any of them it doesnt come off as me dumbing them down😭

I know the core internal mechanisms at which they all operate from otherwise i wouldnt understand why they even do what they do and why they speak how they do since that is so crucial to analysis of their behaviour and Why they were written.

But i mostly write silly scenarios so the deeper messier parts dont get to show much😭 working on deeper things tho rest assured i am locking in🫡🫡🫡

I try to match the tones of how i believe the characters would act continuing off the ending of homestuck. With dirk and jake specifically i try to write them to where they still both kinda dont say everything they need to but they dont have the weight of narrative destiny on their shoulders anymore so they can admit they like spending time together and have actually confessed like normal people and got out those apologies they kept yammering on about in the last half of act 6

I try to reinvoke the ridiculous nature of the one time we really see the real dirk and jake talk (which was actually a dreambubble memory. jake is so gay.) but i try to make it feel how that did, they really do love spending time together and just being weird and cringe and bantering about stupid shit ❤️(the most we see dirk type laugh in the comic)

(Always Highly recommend reading this log if you havent in a while. Its just such good writing theyre so funny) https://www.homestuck.com/story/4844

I feel like the Best Bros part of dirkjake kinda gets lost alot of the time considering THEY NEVER SPEAK DIRECTLY (which is insane that hussie could craft this universe bending gender norm shattering yaoi with no fucking interactions wtf anyway) but there is alot you can gleam from jakes interactions with hal and this one log to tell us how they usually speak

Dirk always veers into making homoerotic comments because.. i dunno he might have feelings for jake or something whos to say. and when jake presses him dirk immediately diverts. I think from being around dave and everything daves realised thats bullshit about masculine standards and heroism that let him have a healthier relationship to masculinity, hearing abt that would loosen dirk up about Actually being affectionate to jake

But hes still somehow trying to no homo his way out of things that are incredibly homo just in a subtler way, not immediately going “Haha, what? I never said that. Anyway.” (Its both out of his fear for what his true identity means about him as a man but also because he doesnt think he deserves to get such affections cough thinks himself an evil)

And jake was always going with the flow. If his friends socially decreed something as okay to talk about then the fucking damn burst open and he couldnt keep it in anymore but they had to Very Clearly Clarify with him about it. So i think dirk going down a more positive road would lead jake there too seeing that if its okay for dirk to be less restrictive with his feelings jake can be too.

The Epilogues has a highly specific premise and was being manned by caliborn and calliope 2.0 cranked to the max in the deranged fanfic behaviour so. Of course it would not be a healthy environment for characters to grow💀 anyone who takes it as full confirmation about how theyd act or become as adults and ignores the fact of its premise Being “Homestuck but Sick and Twisted; The Fanfiction” is kind of stupid its like saying homosuck was in character. Ofc everybodys lives goes to shit because the two running the show dont know how the hell to be good puppeteers 😭

Said it on twitter but you can tell how much a dirk hates himself based on his relationship to a jake. Because tho ult dirk wouldnt ever admit it jake is dirks anchor of self worth just as dirk is jakes. When they show compassion and kindness to one another its a step closer to self acceptance because Jake is quite frankly a living embodiment of EVERYTHING that is “wrong” (queer, cringe, sincere, feminine) about Dirk to himself in his saviour complex surrounding manhood. (See Everything caliborn says about jake) jakes always waiting for dirk. If dirk were to step down and admit his own humanity itd mean hed have to accept he is capable of growing and isnt inherently evil, and jake would be ready to embrace that about himself too

Anyway all that to say. Even in my simple silly writing i at least do try to retain dirk and jakes strange emotional dodging olympics but also its just on a smaller level since theyve inching their way to fully internalising that Its Okay to be Cringe and Gay Together❤️ because the World isnt Ending anymore. Its in the little things they dont say because haha im the one who makes them say words.

Dirk and jake hate themselves because theyre not men in the right way but their love is because of them not being men in the right way so.. nerm.. Whos flying the plane?

[beanghostprincess]

Luffy with shuggy is one of the most hilarious things to imagine.

Buggy is Luffy's stepdad whom he hates for "taking his dad away from him" when both adults are constantly reminding Luffy that they met before he had even known Shanks. Luffy hates Buggy for uh, just being Buggy, at this point. Like I get it's everything that happened back in Orange Town and Loguetown and they kind of started to get along in Impel Down, but, you know. Buggy is still Buggy and Luffy doesn't even believe he's the leader of Cross Guild. Imagine his face when Shanks tells him they used to date. Imagine his face when they tell him they're together again. What the fuck.

Anyway. I honestly think that Luffy and Buggy just need to talk things out because the whole "Buggy giving up his dream because of Shanks" would make Luffy understand him better. You'd have to point both of them and their crews with guns to make them talk like normal people, but I think Luffy would get it. It would quite honestly make him sad and a bit furious at Buggy for giving up his dream, and even a bit angry at Shanks for not following Buggy. You know when you find out about your parents' divorce? Same thing. Except that these two get back together and your parents probably won't. I am not projecting at all. At least Buggy and Shanks love each other.

You know what would be funny now that I think about it? Buggy somehow telling Luffy about all of this and Luffy being all serious about it and making it everybody's problem to bring Shanks and Buggy together again. And he manages to do so because he's a fucking god and he makes miracles happen.

[aihoshiino]

After reading the latest chapter, I found it intriguing that right after the panel where Ayumi says that "Back then, Ai was 8 or 9", the next panel has her state that "Ai had grown up to be a woman", despite her being still just a child. No one would call someone that age a grown woman. It's seems like she didn't view her daughter as a child at all (and neither did her creep of a boyfriend) and only saw her as some sort of love rival who's an adult like her even when she wasn't. Ai's mom clearly wasn't fit to be a mother at all since a good mother would've broke up with her boyfriend instead. And even in the way she speaks of herself in this chapter, it's as if she wants Aqua (and the readers) to feel sympathetic. Ayumi truly is an awfully selfish woman and unfortunately she had to be Ai's mother.

anon i literally woke up this morning cooking ayumi meta on exactly this topic in my head and then logged on to see this ask....... you and i shall have a spring wedding

That said, you're right on the money. What I loved so much about the writing of this scene is how intensely real Ayumi feels as a toxic mother. I feel like a lot of people were kind of expecting her to be this over the top cackling Mother Gothel type but like I said in my ch 131 initial writeup, the unfortunate reality is that this is how a lot of abusers look. Like normal ass, regular, pathetic people.

In particular, I really love how deep of an understanding we get of Ayumi's messed up, contradictory headspace just over the course of the four pages we spend with her. She recognizes that she did something terrible and hates herself, but she has surrendered to this sort of self-enforced helplessness with regard to her own issues and fucked up behaviours. She knows that she needs to improve but is self-defeating about her ability to do so and the whole thing turns into a self fulfilling prophecy where she refuses to put in the work because she believes she can't change to begin with but BECAUSE she doesn't put in the work, nothing changes, which reinforces her belief that she can't fix anything so she doesn't try and... you see how the snake starts eating its own tail?

At the same time, though, this surrendering to helplessness is a safety net for her as much as it is a mental trap. By framing her behaviour as something she is powerless to resist or to stop, she essentially frees herself of agency in Ai's abuse and neglect. Being violent towards her daughter is not something she frames as an active choice, but as something she would "wind up" doing, as if by accident or compelled by forces completely out of her control. Not only that, but it allows her to rewrite the narrative for herself with regards to her abandonment of Ai – since she is so helpless to stop her abuse of Ai, the daughter she loves so much, she just had no choice but to stay away. But she was totally going to go pick her up someday, definitely! Never fucking mind that Ai was left there for so long that she aged out of the system before Ayumi ever came back.

It's once Aqua challenges this assertion, though, that the cracks start to form. Though even before that, an attentive reader will obviously have some red flags up – after all, if Ayumi loves her daughter as much as she says she did, then why does Ai describe herself as a person who has never been loved by anyone? At age twelve, no less? That is not even REMOTELY close to a thought a well adjusted and cared for kid should be able to express, let alone sincerely think.

There's always been a theme in Oshi no Ko of Ai being pulled in all directions, in trying to be everything that everybody asked her to be, succeeding and being punished for it anyway. In my CH131 thoughts, I coined the phrase 'adultification' to describe the way adult agency and expectations are enforced on children who are too young as a method of abuse, a direct inverse of the way infantilization happens to adults. Part of the impossible expectations enforced on Ai were having these twin opposing forces of adultification and infantalization inflicted on her in a truly maddening way.

Specific to adultification, though, we over and over see other characters inflict adult agency and sexuality on Ai way before the point that any reasonable person would rationally think to do so. When describing her falling in love, Kaburagi says that her face, which had been that of a child, "turned into a woman's" at a time that we know she can only have been fifteen at the oldest.

45510 seconds this, with the narrator describing how this adultification is inflicted on many young girls in the industry;

"At the time, younger age groups were all the rage, but girls in their formative years could undergo rapid changes as they matured. Once they outgrew that youthful phase, they were evaluated the same way as "ordinary" women."

... only to turn around and do the same thing to Ai:

"Right from the beginning, she exuded a maturity beyond her years, and in the end, she retained a fresh-faced, youthful allure."

With all that in mind, it's not at all a shock that this echoes all the way back in time to the starting point of Ayumi's abuse of Ai. It's reprehensible, but it's also unfortunately deeply real – it is heartbreakingly common for victims of CSA to be blamed for their abuse, as if being victimized by adults is something they have any agency in.

In this instance too, Ayumi distances herself from her own agency and culpability in Ai's abuse. Look at how she frames things and the issues that she centers; it isn't her own insecurity, toxicity and violence that ruined things. It was Ai's beauty. Ai growing into a woman. That she can say such a thing without blinking betrays so clearly that for all she insists she loved her daughter, Ai was never really a child to her. And the moment she realized Ai was attracting the attention of a man, Ayumi didn't see her as a child being victimized but as a woman posing a threat, a romantic and sexual rival who needed to be beaten back into line and shown her place. Even her anger at Ai's stepfather is so, so telling – the framing makes it clear that her anger is not that of a woman raging against someone who posed a threat to their child, but as a woman resenting a man who was unfaithful to her.

For all that she cries and self flagellates, Ayumi basically lays it all out in her own words without even meaning to. She doesn't take responsibility for her own actions, nor does she even really frame them as being central to the chain of abuse that destroyed not just her family but robbed Ai of her life. Even through her tears, she pushes Ai to the forefront while framing her abuse as a thing that just "ended up" happening, that she was powerless to stop. When talking to Aqua about how she can't make amends, the word she uses in the Japanese text is actually 贖罪 – Atonement, the same character used as the chapter's title.

But the thing about atonement is that you can't atone for a sin you don't take responsibility for. And Ayumi makes it heartbreakingly clear that for all her regrets and her pain, she has not come close to taking responsibility for the harm she inflicted on her daughter. And even if she did? It's too late. Ai is gone.

It's just as Akane says. There's nothing here anymore.

[yall-hate-kids-tourney]

Tomoko Nozama (Kamen Rider Fourze) vs. Yukiteru Amano (Mirai Nikki)

Y'all Hate Kids: Screwed By The Writers

Propaganda below the cut.

Tomoko Nozama (Kamen Rider Fourze)

She's a goth kid interested in the occult with the ability to sense the monsters even before they transform into human form, which is never explained or elaborated on in any way. Which might've been fine, were it not for the writers seeming to forget about her completely and not give her any arcs of her own except setting her up as the romance option for the secondary Rider for no reason with no preamble. But no, what makes this EXTRA egregious is the fact that every one of the main cast is introduced with their own mini-arc (including her) and there's a bit of a reprise of these towards the end of the show, with everybody getting a few eps focused on them. EXCEPT Tomoko doesn't get that; she just gets half an episode with a bit of focus on her that leads into the main villain and the final wrapup. And she was the character MOST poised to get another arc too as her background was never really explored in the same way others were. I just feel like she bled into the background a lot which is unfortunate considering her ability and the fact it's a fate shared by a lot of Kamen Rider ladies

Yukiteru Amano (Mirai Nikki)

Cw: manipulation

I understand thinking he's boring or whatever, but some people get on his case for being just a normal guy

He is a very lonely, depressed teen with no friends and who doesn't see his parents very often. He only has 3 hobbies: Darts, Writing everything he does in his diary and disassociating. How do you expect him to react to the events of the anime? People are like "Oh he's such a pussy" like he isn't just some kid who suddenly got thrown into the most insane situation

I don't hate Yuno as a character, but you have to admit she was manipulative, weird and toxic as fuck to him, and that at first he was basically obligated to date her due to the fear that she would kill other people if he didn't, plus he feels like getting along with her is the only chance he has to survive, and people act like that's not a lot to handle even as an adult!!! He's 14!!!!!!

[thenarwhalgal]

Hyperfixations are the fucking worst. I’m not doing my work, I’m not eating well or sleeping well. I don’t like this. I don’t want to be like this. Forced to find enjoyment and motivation for only one specific thing for a month or two and then constantly move on, forgetting everything else that I need to do… I know it’s a matter of discipline but I don’t know how to fix this.

To be utterly consumed by a spur of the moment piece of media every time I find something new I like. For my brain to refuse to work for anything else. I try… I try to keep up with other things and sometimes I do but I just can’t make my brain work for anything else when it happens. Its like every so often my entire life goes to a standstill for something I don’t even get to choose and I fall in love obsessively with something I like and then I get behind in stuff I can’t fall behind it and I get overwhelmed and everything else becomes even harder to focus on because there’s so much to do now. So much to catch up on. When satisfying that craving I love but hate that I have is so easy and within reach.

I wish I was normal in the head. I wish I functioned. I wish I worked properly. Is it too much to ask for? I’m able to handle this stuff. I could do it. I could do it well… but I just can’t. I just can’t and the worst part is I have no excuse. Sure the ADHD but that’s not an excuse… everybody else can do it. I need to do it. Yet here I am falling apart. Overwhelmed and anxious and depressed and finding joy in the only thing my brain decided would make me happy at the expense of the rest of my life as it slowly drains me of anything respectable i could and should be doing instead. I just want to be able to function properly. Thats all.

But hey… maybe when the insurance goes through and I switch from Ritalin to Vyvanse… my fifth fucking medication… it’ll work this time. It’ll let me have the best of both worlds. I can keep my brain and I can make sure nothing else falls apart. It’s wishful thinking. But I’m going to fail college eventually if I keep up with this and I need that hope right now.

I’m so tired of knowing all the things I have to do… and not being able to do any of them. Of knowing all the things I want to do… and not being able to do them. Of the things I want to do and my brain agrees with me… and doing it so much I lose interest and content and motivation for creative projects before I’m ever truly satisfied. It shouldn’t be this hard, right? I don’t know, I hate using ADHD as an excuse, I hate blaming my problems on it. I hate saying I have it I feel like I’m faking it like I’m lying to people like I’m just broken inside. I just want to be an adult, someone who can do their work without feeling like I’m dragging nails across my skin with every paragraph I’m forced to read. But I’m stuck with this. It won’t go away. It’ll only get worse and I’m already not coping well with it. How can I be so accomplished… have done so many things and been talented in so many fields… and yet be so so so so so bad and doing anything at all. My professors think I’m brilliant and they love me for reasons I can’t understand, my homework when I do it is usually top rated, I can do it! It’s possible… but I just don’t. Fuck.

I try so hard. I try so hard all the time to just function at an average level. I try so hard to be average. I could be one of the best if my brain just worked. Instead I’m barely passing with the knowledge of how well I could do and how poorly I live up to the possible ideal or even normal. But hey… at least I can watch 6 seasons of television in two weeks, 2,000 fanfics in one. Write 40-60,000 words in a month at most. Isn’t that so useful? It’s gotta be possible right? Doing better? Improving? Figuring this shit out? It’s gotta be possible. I have to be able to do it because if it’s not possible. If I’m stuck on a permanent downward spiral because of something I can’t control and can’t explain and nobody understands but those who also suffer from it? I don’t know how to deal with that.

[autumnrory]

i’ve seen people say they think riverdale is gonna use the multiverse to basically have all the pairings end up together and i kind of think they’re right and i think it is the stupidest thing i have ever heard

i would rather see a simple betty/jughead and veronica/archie endgame and HATE it than some stupid thing trying to make everybody happy like COMMIT to an ending oh my god

and like.......if that’s what you were gonna do we already knew we had a multiverse in our present day normal universe (that people are also saying we’ll never see again so like six seasons entirely undone for what???) so why couldn’t they do it there instead of being sent back to the 50s. if the whole comet thing is going to be significant again then at least okay they had to be sent back to the 50s but why couldn’t they stay adults? 

it’s just the closer we get to the end and the more random plotlines they do that serve zero purpose the more disappointed i feel. i know it’s riverdale, it’s not a show where you expect a lot of consistency from the writers or anything, but this season started out promising i thought and then it just got worse. and it sucks bc i think seasons 5 and 6 were pretty good bc they finally broke out of being all bughead/varchie all the time and allowed the characters to have other things in their lives and other relationships and all that postive growth and change has just been erased lol (and maybe i am just bitter bc we had barchie and jabitha and everything was glorious for a time)

like i’ve enjoyed seeing them playing around with all the different pairings, though they should’ve done it throughout the series, not at the very end lol, but that doesn’t mean i want to see all of them end up together sjkdkjfs it just seems like yet another show that’s fully fucking up in the end and it makes me sad after it’s brought me so much joy

[pakeithpsy]

I hate my family so much. Everyone in my family is the worst fucking person I know. My brother is a fucking whiny crybaby who’d rather haul himself up in his room playing his stupid JRPGs than spend even a single second with his loved ones, Mom’s an idiot conservative asshole who doesn’t know how to use an inside voice, and Dad is an ignorant, senile dumbass and the worst fucking comedian this side of Colorado. And that’s not even getting to the fucking dog, the big fat fucking crybaby dog who cannot even behave like a normal dog and is constantly letting bugs into our house and is constantly eating up everyone’s time because she can’t be alone for 2 fucking seconds and is always making Mom mad and I'm too afraid to even fucking approach her because God forbid I interrupt her important work and ruin her already foul mood with my stupid fucking bullshit again.  I never even wanted a fucking dog. I wanted the unwavering support and love of my family after enduring two of the worst fucking years of my already miserable life, but NOOOOOOOOO, all that progress we were making had to be put on hold just so an idiotic r*t*rded mutt could sit in the doorway letting in the cold air and throw hard plastic on the floor over and over again. I hate them so much. I hate my fucking family with every fiber of my being. They’ve done nothing but hold me back and I’ve done nothing but burden them. We would all be so much happier without each other. I wish I was back at the assisted living program. Hell, I wish I was back at the mental hospital. Even though I was fucking miserable at least I had some goddamn peace and quiet. I hate myself and I hate the life I’ve been given. They say life is the best thing you could give someone, and my life has been a complete fucking shitshow since the day I was born. I wish I could be a functional adult living with a caring, considerate family in Canada or England or Australia who didn’t give a fuck about politics one way or the other. I wish I could be anyone other than who I am. My life, my personality, my family, my upbringing, I wish I could just fucking end it all and start over from scratch. Everything in my world is awful and hateful and horrible and God had to curse me with the complete inability to handle it like a healthy, responsible adult because the thought of watching his creation struggle to do something that is so effortless for everyone else amuses him to no end. My existence has been nothing but a fucking joke. I should’ve killed myself back in 2018 when I had the chance. Everybody’s life would be so much happier without me dragging them down. My family would be fucking celebrating that they wouldn’t have to deal with my fucking crybaby ass so they can scream at the news and the Giants in peace. I hate who I am, I hate what I’ve been given, I am nothing but a complete and utter joke to this world and I want to get out of this fucking hellhole so I can live the life of an independent adult I deserve but don’t get to have because God made me a fucking joke.

[just-a-queer-fanboy]

Hey, quick warning, it's not about assault but this is a lot of me talking about sex and being sexual and being sexualised and sexually harassed for being trans and queer and if you are uncomfortable with that you have every right to scroll on past.

Proceed with caution homies

I am so sick of every conversation I have eventually leading to boiling me down to my sex. I have wonderful friends who accept me and I can talk about sex with (our whole shtick is being extremely homoerotic) without it getting uncomfortable or misogynistic.

But with my classmates its different. To them I am no longer a person. I am not my drawings or my skills or my personality or my sense of humor or my friends or the music I like or anything like that. I am merely a vessel for them to project everything they hate about the queer community onto.

But they, subconsciously, don't see me as binary either. I'm not a real girl or a real boy to them. I am both a failed man and a failed woman. I am not a person, just a stain on the gender system they've been taught. Even one has called me "both a man and a woman" even though he's made it clear he doesn't think it's a possibility.

To them, I am only my genitals and what sex I'd hypothetically be having if I wanted to. They don't need to know what I've got to assume things. If they think I have a penis, then I'm a pedophile. If they think I have a vagina, I'm literally just a fleshlight trying to be a human.

I'm just a kid. I just wish I could escape the constant sexualization put on me by everybody. Even my PARENTS talk to me about abstinence before I go to a friend's house (my mom is much more normal about it, I think my dad is just real bad at social norms and what makes people uncomfortable).

I want that to be a choice that I make.

I want to be allowed to say sexual shit to my friends and be sexual with them without being objectified by people uninvolved with us.

I want to be allowed to talk about being queer without someone immediately asking me about my sex life (including adults. Can people please stop asking how I have sex I am 14 and ace and very uncomfortable). It's endless conversations with nothing but "do you have a penis?" "Can I watch?" "Do you guys scissor?" When all I said was my QPP is non binary and we kiss sometimes

I want to be allowed to make jokes about being horny and hormonal and flirting without creepy grown men trying to hit me up on deviant art (I've had to block 3 already because I draw my sona with big hips, because it's an exaggerated version of my actual body).

I want to be allowed to act sexual and look and feel sexy FOR MYSELF because it's fucking fun. I like dressing skimpy and I like talking about having sex and I like acting like, for lack of a better term, a whore, because it's fucking fun.

And you can think whatever you want about that. But at the end of the day, I want to be allowed to do all that myself, without people twisting it into something misogynistic and transphobic and creepy and gross, just because im queer and AFAB.

Hell, I have an increased chance of being intersex, and I don't even know if I am or not! I could have XY chromosomes but a weird mix of chemicals and not even know it. I could have turner syndrome or hyperandrogyny and literally never know it. But because I've got boobs and hips and a high voice, people assume I have to be a fully binary woman and have to conform to everything associated with women ever.

It's exhausting. God damn.

[vacueabissi]

..

Personal rant

...

Some piece of shit broke into my parents car and stole all their stuff, my mum now has to get new documents and ids and I am so fucking angry. Mostly bc this ain't the first time. Some years ago someone stole her purse for the first time... she is broken about it. And I am pissed.

On top of this awful fucking thing there is also the fact that I injured my knee while falling on the ground a few weeks ago and it has gotten worse. I keep having shity balance and falling or bumping into stuff. I have never had a good balance to begin with but now it has gotten so much worse. It seems like I can't avoid injuring myself. I already have a problem with my legs and I am wearing orthopedic insoles to adjust my feet and avoid breaking my knees earlier. But it counts to nothing if I have broken my meniscus by falling on the ground for the fuckthousandth time

I am so sick of this. I limp around when walking and it makes me so nauseous... I am not even disabled or have any illness that worsened my health. I just have shitty balance. I guess it's normal. But why do I have to fall and bump into stuff so often to the point of badly injuring myself? I hate my body so much...

I am also unemployed at the moment and I am living off of what little I have from the previous job. I can't apply to most job listings because they require physical strength or stamina, which I don't have. I can't stand up too long or my knees start hurting like hell... most jobs here requires to either have specific PhD/degrees or not having shitty legs that have a maximum time of 5 hours of standing up. Of course, not counting all those jobs where you have to know someone inside that can get you hired. Nepotism in this country is everything. I hate it here. I want to go to Spain for work but I can't bc I have zero money for traveling that far.

I am 25 and already habe failed at life. Not only I have bad health and fucked up knees but now I am also unemployed and living off of my parents like leech. I hate myself so much.

Not even counting how I am so pissed off for not being able to get T. I see my other friends being able to get T and even top surgery while I am stuck in this bitch of a body. I look in the mirror and I see the most putrid and diagusting thing ever. Thanks fuck I wear baggy clothes most of the time...

I am seriously considering poisoning myself so I don't have to think about shit. I have never felt more hopeless like I have now. Not even talking about how the current climate in the world makes me even less secure of a future. Between the wars, fascism getting back with full force and climate change, I feel like there is no point in living. The only reason I keep going are my cats. If not for them I would have jumped from a bridge

I am so sick of everything. I don't even want to make art anymore. It feels so pointless. So void. I am hopeless like never before.

And I am only 25

They tell you when you reach 25 your brain start to settle and all the insecurities of the earlier years are gone. It's a lie. It's all a lie. I am 25 and the world is worse then when I was 15. Lile is worse now... I am 25 and I see no future beyond the age of 30. Not for me atleast. Everybody else gets to live a life, gets to be an adult and be normal. I don't. I am stuck in my childhood home, unemployed, uninspired and with shitty knees.

I want to jump in front of a train...

[guaxinimraccoon]

jesus christ why-

oh mY DEAR GOD-

FIRST OF ALL I'm SO sorry for taking so damn long to answer those, I've been really really busy and I'm very sorry, I'm doing my best to answer everybody ; o ;

BUT FINALLY let's talk about our big last Euphoria reveal (about four months ago but ok-), where I showed you guys that Alex is Brad's father and Elisa is Toby's mom.

"BUT GUAX WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK??? HOW?? WHEN??? WHERE??"

SHUSH , CALM YOUR TITS DOWN and let me explain:

Ok, so I'll be putting some links here and there because yes, Alex and Elisa's story is very, VERY connected to Brad and Toby's. 

And get ready for a veeeeeeeeeeeeery long post. You were warned.

As you all already know, Alex and Elisa had a troublesome meeting, but eventually got closer to each other, they fell in love yadda yadda yadda BUT their will to get closer to each other, in other words, their relationship brought HUGE consequences.

Yes, they did manage to build a healthy relationship, they were happy, they were fine.

But they were also adults, adults that wanted something serious and concrete, they couldn't spend the rest of their lives as forbbiden lovers.

So Elisa did something literally illegal. She did a potion that was forbidden by the Colony authorities - a shrunken potion - to get closer to Alex.

Those potions were never developed, they're rustic and really antique, so they could do more harm than good or not work at all.

But Alex didn't care, he took the risk and drank the potion to get closer to his girl, the woman that was the love of his life.

The effect of the potion is temporary, so Alex would drink them from time to time whenever he had the opportunity to visit the Colony, spend some time with Elisa and, of course, be a part of her life.

He wasn't just trying to "be like her", he was also trying to be a part of her home. He made friends with her friends, he met her family, he met new imps, new fairies, all of it under his "imp disguise". He even fought for the Colony at it's war times (that is lasting till the current story time). He EVEN presented himself with a more “impish name” - Turk - to make sure people wouldn’t suspect anything.

Of course, people eventually started to ask why didn’t he live in the Colony with Elisa, why did he only showed up from time to time. Alex and Elisa lied, obviously, they told everyone that Alex belonged to a secluded imp tribe that lived walking around the forest as nomads, which made sense since those types of imp communities do exist.

ANYWAY THE POINT IS Alex grew affectioned of those people and with their lifestyle. He started to feel like he was one of them. 

And, of course, he was now closer than he ever was to Elisa.

Since they were different species, they never worried about having kids. I’ve never said this before but Alex is a doctor, he knows about this stuff, so he always made sure to reassure Elisa that "they were their own condon" and, as sad as it may sound, they couldn't have kids.

... Or so Alex thought.

You know how tigers and lions can have offspring together? Yeah, it's the same thing.

It's very hard to happen, but they spent YEARS together if you know what I mean so yeah

That's how Alex and Elisa gave birth to their first child: Tobias, the only one of a specie that is a mix between human and imp.

His parents were really worried at first, afterall, they new NOTHING about Toby's condition. They didn't know if he was going to grow as large as a human or if he'd assume imp proportions forever. After some research with his son's blood, Alex found out that Toby was indeed half human and half imp, but he was predominantly physically an imp. That means his biological features are, mostly, imp like: he'd hardly grow as large as a human through his life's course and could live as a normal imp in the Colony. The fact that he showed talent for magic (once he was old enough to do so) and was able to do it just like any other imp in the Colony also made things easier.

Elisa and Alex chose to raise Toby in the Colony, they believed it’d be healthier and safer for him (especially after some events that I’ll be talking about in other posts), although it hurt Alex to pretend that he was an imp to his son and that he couldn’t see him everyday. 

Even if they couldn’t see each other everyday, Alex and Toby were very close. Toby loved his daddy very much and was very attached to him.

After five years after Toby was born, Elisa got pregnant again and gave birth to their second child: Bernardo (that’d eventually be nicknamed as “Brad”), one of the two only beings of the specie Alex and Elisa accidently created together.

For preucation, Alex took a bit of Brad’s blood and made some research, just like he did to Toby.

And what he found out wasn’t exactly... relieving.

Brad, just like Toby, was half human and half imp, but he had expressed mostly human features in his physical body. He was as small as a baby imp now, but it was a matter of time until he started to grow very VERY large.

Unlike Toby, Brad couldn’t live as an imp in the Colony and things got very complicated for them.

Alex wanted to leave. He told Elisa the Colony’s community would NEVER accept their youngest, they would never accept Alex and probably wouldn’t accept Toby either. They had to leave that place before they couldn’t hide the truth anymore, even if it cost revealing Toby, a five year old child, that most of his life was a lie.

But Elisa was hesitant. She didn’t want to leave her home, her parents, her friends. She knew Alex was right, they couldn’t stand that play for too long, but how to leave everything she had built behind? How to leave everything she knew as home behind? It wasn’t that easy.

Until something very bad happened.

Remember I said Alex made a few friends in the Colony? So, one of them was Stefan, a experienced fairy soldier that had known Elisa for as long as she was alive. He was pretty much her best friend (even if he was old enough to be her father) and now he was also great friends with Alex.

Stefan is important here. He has a very tragic backstory involving humans. He lost pretty much everything to them: his whole family and his wings, something that meant more than just flying to him.

So, as expected, he hates humans and truly believes that they are nothing more than monsters that try to manipulate you and to get advantage from imp’s and fairy’s magic. 

After some years, he started to get very suspicious over Alex. Some things weren’t making any sense anymore and that “nomad imp community” was starting to sound way more like an excuse than the actual truth. He simply didn’t understand what was stopping him to live with Elisa and his sons for once.

So he did some investigation. One day, he followed Alex (that he knew as Turk) out of the Colony, in one of the days he had only come to visit his family. Alex had said earlier that he had to “go back to his own society”. Yeah, right. Stefan was hiding the whole time and followed Alex till a good distane from the Colony’s limits. 

And he didn’t get exaclty happy to see his best friend growing impossibly huge out of nowhere.

Stefan now knew the truth: Alex was pretending to be an imp using shrinking potions. He didn’t belong to any nomad imp group, he was a human that lived in his own house and was coming to the Colony to play family with them.

Of course, he didn’t only felt betrayed, but pissed as fuck. Stefan didn’t waste any time: as soon as Alex came back to the Colony he confronted him. Alex tried to explain himself, but they only argued and ended up having a pretty bad fight.

In anger, Stefan didn’t want to hear no more explanations, so he told some of the Colony’s high authorities about Alex’s lies and that they had to do something about it. 

The Colony’s Council decided to call Elisa and solve things between imps and fairies only. But they showed her no mercy.

They basically gave her two options: or she’d prove her loyalty to the Colony and would kill her husband and her human son, or the Colony would sentence all of them to death penalty, including Toby and Brad, children that they claimed should have never been born. 

Elisa was in shatters. She didn’t know what to do. She couldn’t kill the man she loved and her baby child, she just couldn’t. She was about to accept the second option, rathering die with her family than killing them, but Stefan decided to help her out.

He wasn’t expecting the Council to be so cruel and he started to regret his decisions the moment he saw how Elisa was worried about her family and how much she loved them, even if they were human. He hated Alex and Brad, but seeing Elisa in excruciating pain over them was impossible for him, so he made up a plan with her to save everybody.

It cost Elisa to trust Stefan, he had told their secrets to the worst people possible, but she had no option aside from accepting his help and following his plan.

The plan was simple: Elisa would tell the Council she’d kill Alex and Brad and would tell Alex that she had changed her mind and that they should leave the Colony as soon as possible now that Stefan knew the truth.

Alex believed her and, after Stefan’s confirmation, so the Council did. The next step was to take Alex and Brad to the Colony’s limits, pretending they were about to leave. 

Then it happened.

Elisa made, with Stefan’s help, a huge barrier on the Colony’s frontier that didn’t allowed humans to cross it. It was basically a security method that they never thought it’d be necessary.

But now it was and it wasn’t meant to protect the ones inside the Colony...

Of course, Alex didn’t understand SHIT.

He spent MONTHS returning to the Colony in his shrinking form, trying to find a way to cross the barrier and to get Toby back. 

Or to talk to Elisa.

Or to understand.

Or anything.

He just wanted his family.

Eventually, his potions ended and he was left to raise Brad on his own and to never see his wife and oldest son again.

Since then, he hates Elisa. Or at least thinks he does. He’s just deeply mad at her, he doesn’t understand why she left them. 

He did everything for her. Denyed his own race, submitted himself to the dangerous effects of a extremely nocive potion which he faces the consequences till this day, did his fucking best to be the best father and husband his family could have-

All this love, all this effort, all this sweat and blood

Wasted.

It took years for him to fully recover. Aside from the health problems the abusive use of the shrinking potions brought, he also became alcohoolic. Because he wasn’t mentally estable enough, neither to take care of himself and of his very very small son, he went to live in his parents house. His family knew about Elisa and the children they had together, his folks actually liked her a lot so it saddened them as well that she simply abandoned Alex and Brad and that they would never see Toby again.

His family didn’t had to worry about Brad’s very little size for too long though, before he was one year old he had already reached his human size.

Anyway, Alex’s family gave him a huge help until he was healthy enough to take care of Brad, the only one left from the family he built.

Back to Elisa, she didn’t told Alex her plan because she KNEW he wouldn’t want to do it. She simply knew Alex would be too stubborn. He’d have wanted to try to escape or to face the Council. Both alternatives would get them all killed.

Toby didn’t understand why his mother did what she did. He was forced to go back home with her, screaming the whole time, saying that they left his father and brother behind while Elisa was crying endelessly.

Stefan came to them eventually and calmed Toby down. His heart broke when he saw Elisa. She was... not okay.

Unfortunately, he didn’t have time to assist her. He immediatly went to a representent of the Council and took them to Elisa and to the Colony’s frontier to prove that she had done it and did even more than she was suppose to. Of course, not without consequences to her sanity, she had just killed her husband and baby, of course she was in pain.

Nevertheless, the Council confirmed Elisa had done her part and left to leave her alone with the child they let live.

After that, Toby spent weeks returning to that spot of the frontier to look for his dad and brother. No sucess.

As time went by, he eventually forgot about Brad, he was very young when they tore apart and Elisa and Stefan never talked about him nor Alex. All he can remember is that there was a baby in the middle of that mess, but he can’t relate to it.

He kept the memories of his father though, who was closer to him, and till this day he believes he’s alive somewhere and that he can be found. But he has no idea he’s a human and has no idea of his own true nature.

Elisa and Alex miss their respective sons deeply and think about them everyday. They also miss each other very much and the first months after the incident were terribly agonizing for the both of them.

They kept going for the child that had remained for the both of them and raised them apart from each other. Alex never told Brad what happened and so Elisa did to Toby. Like that, none of the brothers knew about the existence of each other.

Until the day Toby was sent, coincidentally, to his “little” brother’s house

And none of them has no idea of this fucking long backstory I just spent four months writing :)

enjoy

[thebatfamfanatic]

Six Times He Met Her

Jason Todd x Fem!Reader

Warnings: 18+ MINORS DNI, guy taking advantage of a minor in first chap, mention of underage smut in fourth chap, making out?, violence, mentions of blood/injury, main character death, adult language, angst

A/N: First thing I’ve written on Tumblr!! Tell me if anybody likes it, or if I broke your heart. And yes, I know I’m evil.

1-

The first time he saw you was around 2:30 in the morning. Jason was squatting on the edge of a rooftop in Gotham, surveying the dark scenery below him.

Somehow, there was still plenty of traffic on the dirty streets, plenty of cars honking and driving around. Jason always wondered who the fuck needed to be somewhere at 2 am.

He fiddled with a loose seam on the Robin uniform he sported each night, hunting down the assholes of Gotham (pretty much 70% of the city) and putting them in jail, where they belonged.

At 16, Jason Todd technically should have been in bed, maintaining a healthy sleep schedule and doing some rich kid shit during the day. Of course, his adoptive (long story) father, Bruce Wayne, richest playboy in Gotham, employed him to be his little tweety bird sidekick at night, so here he was, at the rendezvous watching the streets. yay. A scream came from an alley nearby. Jason stood, stretched his legs, and leaped down from the roof onto the ground. He pinpointed the alleyway where the noise was coming from and raced into it. A girl, about his age, had been cornered by some bitch dude who thought he could take advantage of this girl. Not on Robin’s watch.

Before the girl could scream again, the guy was on the ground and Jason was helping her up. She shakily took the hand he offered her and looked him in the eye. Shit, she had gorgeous eyes. Jason froze for a second, lost in her beauty, before clearing in his throat.

“Hi. I’m Robin, uh, you probably knew that. Are you okay, ma’am?”

He hated the squeak that came out of his mouth. He sounded like a fucking 5 year old. The girl raised her eyebrow. She had recovered rather quickly. “You don’t have to call me ma’am. I’m not some rich-ass royal whatever from Britain.” Jason liked this one. Sassy, but just so. He inquired where she lived, and she gave him the address. With his grappling hook at the ready, Jason pulled her closer to him. She jumped at the sudden closeness, but seemed to enjoy it. Maybe? He didn’t know shit about girls.

Jason shot the hook, propelling them up in the air, and landed on a rooftop. They continued this routine until he got in front of her house. It was still several seconds before he released her waist.

She started to walk towards her door, before stopping.

“Y/N. Y/N Y/L/N.”

“Sorry, what?” Jason blinked.

“I thought you were smart, Robin. Its my name, dumb ass.”

Then Y/N disappeared into her house. Jason stood there foolishly outside on her front lawn for a while, thinking about the girl he had just met. She was unlike anyone he had ever met, and he realized 10 minutes later that he had forgotten to ask about where her family was and everything.

Oh well. Bruce would be expecting him anyways. Jason shot his grappling hook and started home, still dazed from the encounter.

2-

The second time you guys met was two weeks later. Jason was just Jason Todd, a normal 10th grader living in the shadow of his (adopted) older brother Dick Grayson. Nobody paid much attention to him, and he didn’t really mind. Mostly Jason focused on getting A’s in class and then retreating into the library until Golden Boy’s after school clubs were over.

That is, until you walked in. It sounded as if you had just moved here, and for a minute, Jason felt a little sorry for you. I mean, Gotham wasn’t the greatest place to spend high school, or any grade, in his opinion.

You looked at your schedule from across the hall and then up at the locker next to him. For a second, your eyes met his and Jason was content. Lost in those brilliant colors. And then you looked away and started walking towards him. He realized just in time maybe he should stop leaning over your locker as you stopped next to him.

“Hi. Y/N. Just moved here. Looks like we’re locker neighbors.”

Jason was about to reply with “I know” but restrained himself. “Jason. Nice to meet you. Congrats on moving to this shitshow.”

He managed to not grin like an idiot as you laughed. The sound was music to his ears, like beautiful bells. God, he was being sappy.

“It’s not much of a shitshow when you’re here.” Ooh, she flirts too. Jason smirked as you opened your locker and dumped your stuff inside, pulling out the things you needed for your first class.

The first bell shrieked just as you closed your locker. “See you around, Jason.”

The small smile you gave him made his day, and he almost forgot to get to class. Yes, you were certainly one of a kind, and yes, Jason wanted you. The question was how to get to that point.

3-

You guys had a couple classes together, and frequently sat at the same table during lunch, so it wasn’t long before you were quick friends with Jason. However, the next notable time you met was a little while after he got your number.

Jason was laying on his bed, scrolling mindlessly through Tumblr as he thought about ways to ask you out.

Y/N, would you grant me the honor of going out with me? No, too Romeo and Juliet.

Hey, want to grab ice cream? He had to make it clear what his intentions were. Then it wouldn’t be weird if he kissed you, right?

Oh, god, if he fucking kissed you….what would that be like? Before Jason could start fantasizing, his fingers were flying across the keyboard and he had sent a text to you. What did he do, what did he-

Hey, I was wondering if you’d like to see that new movie this weekend. It seems like something you would enjoy.

Hm. That was actually pretty good. Where did he come up with that?

Jason had just started inspecting his fingers for some kind of sign of being possessed by smooth-with-girls-syndrome when you responded. He looked up and read it quickly.

Sure, I’d love that! Thanks for thinking of me ❤️

A heart. You had put a heart at the end of it. Did that mean you knew it was a date?

Jason sighed. He certainly hoped so.

4-

The weekend date went good. By the end of it, Jason was sure you knew it was a date. The second one passed, and then the third. The third one was when you hesitantly pecked him on the cheek. The fourth was when he kissed you actually. It wasn’t a long kiss, but it was just enough for him to take you on a fourth date. An actual “will you go out with me on a date” kind of thing.

He took you to a restaurant in the fancy part of things. You two ate food that two broke 16 year olds technically shouldn’t have been able to afford, but Bruce helped Jason out.

Jason drove you home afterwards and discussed the topic of the upcoming summer during the car ride. What you were doing, where he was going. The entire time, Jason had butterflies in his stomach. He wasn’t sure how to act. Was he messing it all up, or were you actually into him?

Once he parked in front of your house and walked you up to the stoop, you looked at him. He noticed you were biting your lip nervously, and god, why did he think that was so hot? “My parents aren’t home.” It was the softest Jason had ever heard you speak, but he knew what you meant. He smiled gently, and kissed you again. This one was destined to last longer, and before either of you realized it, you had opened your door and you were leading him to your bedroom.

That night was one neither of you would forget, and by the end of it, Jason had officially asked out successfully.

5-

You and Jason spent a lot of time together after that. You met his older brother, Dick (who was very happy for Jason, too happy in his opinion) and his dad, Bruce Wayne. Bruce was cool, but very busy all the time.

By two months, Jason still hadn’t told you his identity as Robin, and he was running out of excuses. One day, you confronted him, assuming he was cheating on you. He tried everything, but he had to go out on patrol.

Jason left that night assuming you were broken up. The entire patrol, he wasn’t himself. Truth was, he loved you so much he was afraid of losing you. That had become his greatest fear. It was that night everything went wrong.

6-

You were out taking a late night walk. Down by the pier, a cold wind was blowing, and as you walked past warehouse after warehouse, you pulled your coat tighter.

You were affected as well, and confused about where you and your boyfriend stood. Did you guys just breakup? Did he love you? Did–

A scream echoed from one of the warehouses. You turned, afraid of stepping closer but afraid of leaving the person. Eventually, your curiosity won over and you climbed up several crates to peer into the window.

What you saw inside almost made you scream yourself. Robin, the hero everybody talked about, lay defenseless and bloody on the ground as a tall man-the Joker- whacked him over and over again with a crowbar.

You gasped, wanting to help, but you knew that would be foolish. You would just get in the way for a minute. Tears started to form in your eyes as Robin weakly cried out from the pain. He looked so…helpless.

Joker relentlessly beat him with the crowbar, and Robin’s mask began to come off. You rubbed the tears from your eyes just as the mask fell to the ground.

“No.” was the only thing that you could muster. Jason lay on the ground in the bloody Robin suit. Jason fucking Todd. There was your boyfriend, being beaten to death by the asshole of all assholes. That was why he kept disappearing at night, because he fucking protected the city!

You were mad at yourself for being so cruel to Jason without knowing what was really going on. You barely paid attention as Batman and Nightwing suddenly burst through the windows.

Joker laughed, and said something you couldn’t hear from the outside. Probably taunting Batman as he watched his apprentice get beat to death.

A fight broke out, Batman lunging at Joker as Nightwing rushed to Jason, laying broken on the ground. You had just enough time to duck as a Batarang came swooping out of the hands of the Caped Crusader and straight through the window you were looking through.

It was then you realized how close Jason was to death, and what you needed to do. The window pricked your jacket as you jumped through it, but you didn’t care. Gymnastics back in 6th grade helped when you landed awkwardly. Nightwing spun around, and it wasn’t hard to figure out that was Dick, which meant Bruce was Batman.

However, none of that mattered when Jason was half dead in front of you. Nightwing- Dick- made no effort to stop you as you knelt in front of Jason. “No, no, no.” You cradled his head in your hands, trying hard not to recognize how limp his body was, and how his chest barely moved as he struggled to breathe.

Jason’s eyes were closed, tears running down his face silently. You were crying as well, mumbling curses and things that made no sense.

“Please, don’t be dead. Please, I-I love you.”

You watched Jason make no acknowledgement he could hear you, watched him breathe once more. His chest rose and never fell.

You screamed and buried your head in his costume, not caring about getting blood on your face. Dick pulled you away wordlessly, out of the warehouse. You barely registered that the warehouse exploded behind you a few seconds later.

Dick let you sob into his shoulder for what seemed like hours. Him and Bruce exchanged a short conversation, both riddled with grief.

Six times you and Jason had met, and that was the last.

[cbs-scorpion-coffee-shop]

Since nobody in this fandom seems to be asking this question, i will.

Why do you all hate Walter?

The entire fandom sympathises with Toby, Happy and Sylvester when they show their flaws by saying they're messed up, but not with Walter who is the most messed up character in this show. Let me tell you how messed up this man is.

His childhood:

He lives in Ireland with a family of farmers who wouldn't know what genius is. They treat him like an outcast, like the family problem because he's different, especially his parents. In S4E20 "Foul Balls" Walter was willing to lose Scorpion just for the sake of not embarrasing Cabe. Turns out his father never encouraged him or supported him. And when he tried to play football to get his father's approval and failed. His father looked away from him in embarrasment as he was laughed at by the crowds. How devestating do you think that was for his mental health? In the Ireland episode in S3 "Sly and the family stone" you could see the blatant discrimination between him and Sylvester. Just how fucked up do you think it was for Walter to see that they love Sylvester more than him? To find out that the reason they didn't love him wasn't because he was a genius, but just because they thought something was wrong with him. Plus bullying in school and beatings by teachers that can't stand having a student smarter than them. His only ally in the world was Megan. That's why he loved her so much. Then Megan, the only ally he has develops MS. And throughout it all he wasn't given the love and affection he needed to learn from his mistakes like Ralph was. Whenever he made a mistake he was scoffed at by his parents and told to do better, but not taught how as he was different. They gave up on him. No matter how hard he tried to get them to understand, to get their approval he failed. Then enter Cabe Gallo. A new person who he could connect with. An ally other than Megan. He encourages him to pursue his talents, teaches him a lot of things and overall becomes the dad figure Walter never had. Then 5 years later, just a normal day doing science projects to help his dad figure. He opens the tv and sees thousands being bombed into oblivion, the blood, the flying bodies, the screaming women, the crying children, the collapsing buildings, all with something he made with his own hands. Cabe betrayed him in the cruellest way possible. Now this would be devestating for any normal adult. But remember, this is a 16 year-old who has lived most of his childhood not being given the love or attention he deserves and needs to develop emotionally. So just imagine the agony he's going through at this point, and the treatment he got from his family afterwards. Walter not being able to take the crippling guilt and treatment of his family decides to leave ireland and go to America, To Megan who was being hospitalized there. And start a new life there training himself to not have any feelings so that he wouldn't have to feel the guilt.

His adolecence:

So right now this is a 16 year-old who is

-Physically weak

-Mentally traumatized

-Emotionally scarred

-Codependant (meaning that he always feels like everything is fault, his self worth comes from how much he gives to others, he puts a bin on his own feelings)

-Comes from a farm in a foreign country

-Has near zero EQ or social skills

-Cripplingly low self-esteem buried under a god-complex

-Didn't go to a college

-Has no one by his side other than an ill, hospitalized sister who needs crutches to walk.

And he has to make it on his own on the streets of America in the 90's.

Just try to imagine the kind of life he had. Being yelled at by everybody because of his lack of EQ. And not knowing what he did wrong because no one was willing to try with him. Going from job to job and clawing his way up in the world while taking care of Megan. And learning medicine to engage constructively in her doctors' discussions, and paying for a part of her hospitalization and doing research to save her. And all that while still being the traumatized 16 year-old he is inside, desperately training himself to not feel and pretending he's a robot.

His adulthood:

Years later that 16 year-old has not only managed to survive, but to thrive. How? By working his ass off everyday, caring about "Efficiency" and "Business". That's right people. He's not obsessed with these things to be an asshole. He's obsessed with them because it's how he made it on his own. Then ten years after the baghdad incident he meets Toby, Happy and Sylvester. And the fandom treats them like they struggled the most. Toby gambled his way through school, went to college, learned, failed to fix his family, despaired and gambled even more. Until Walter found him. He didn't do anything with his life until Walter carried his ass on his back. Bailing him out everytime and never giving up on him. Happy yes struggled for a few years after getting out of the foster homes, but didn't get far. She still had to move from job to job, country to country. She barely survived. Her biggest achievement was having a multi-commercial license that she didn't even use because of her anger issues getting in her way. Her engineering skills didn't help either as she didn't go to college and no one would hire her. Until Walter met her. He hired her, tolerated her anger, brought out the best in her. Giving her stability and essentially carrying her on his back as well. Sylvester was literally a kid with nowhere to go. And he had suicidal tendancies as hinted by him in S1E10 "Talismans". And Walter as an analyst working for the bank found that kid, pretended the robbery never happened risking losing his job and going to jail, let him live with him until he was ready to live on his own (as there's no way he could survive on his own at this point), kept him from killing himself, brought out the best in him, raised his self esteem, taught him everything about being a genius, carried him on a pedstal, essentially like a big brother raising his baby brother. And after five more years of working his ass off, never giving up on them even though he had every chance to do so. After meeting Paige and Cabe, he finally made scorpion a success. He finally got those three across the water. Because if he had given up on them at any point, at any chance or any offer by a big company they would have gone back to their previous lives; Sylvester broke on the streets, Toby gambling or in prison or dead because of his illegal debts, Happy running around the world again struggling for a living and getting nowhere far. And after all he did for them they treated like crap in the show because he's different. They blamed him for everything even when it's not his fault, taking advantage of his codependancy and further cementing it. Sylvester goes behind his back over and over, from dating his sister behind his back to marrying her without his consent. Toby gives false and conflicting advice to make him fail on purpose. And Happy makes fun of him either for failing or succeeding in emotional matters. Just WTF.

So in the end of this post let me ask you as someone who watched the show.

Do you really blame Walter for turning out this messed up? And would you have not turned out the same as him?

[shkspr]

hi. on your post where you may or may not have ended on 'moffat is either your angel or your devil' did you have maybe an elaboration on that somewhere that i could possibly hear about. i'm very much a capaldi era stan and i've never tried to defend the matt smith era even though it had delightful moments sometimes so i wonder where that puts me. i'd love to hear your perspective on moffat as a person with your political perspective. -nicole

hi ok sorry i took so long to respond to this but i dont think you know how LOADED this question is for me but i am so happy to elaborate on that for you. first a few grains of salt to flavor your understanding of the whole situation: a. im unfairly biased against moffat bc im a davies stan and a tennant stan; b. i still very much enjoy and appreciate moffat era who for many reasons; and c. i hate moffat on a personal level far more than i could ever hate his work.

the thing is that its all always gonna be a bit mixed up bc i have to say a bunch of seemingly contradictory things in a row. for instance, a few moffat episodes are some of my absolute favorites of the rtd era, AND the show went way downhill when moffat took over, AND the really good episodes he wrote during the rtd era contained the seeds of his destruction.

like i made that post about the empty child/the doctor dances and it holds true for blink and thats about it bc the girl in the fireplace and silence in the library/forest of the dead are good but not nearly on the same level, and despite the fact that i like them at least nominally, they are also great examples of everything i hate about moffat and how he approached dw as a whole.

basically. doctor who is about people. there are many things about moffats tenure as showrunner that i think are a step up from rtd era who! actual gay people, for one! but i think that can likely be attributed mostly to an evolving Society as opposed to something inherent to him and his work, seeing as rtd is literally gay, and the existence of queer characters in moffats work doesnt mean the existence of good queer characters (ill give him bill but thats it!)

i have a few Primary Grievances with moffat and how he ran dw. all of them are things that got better with capaldi, but didnt go away. they are as follows:

moffat projects his own god complex onto the doctor

rtd era who had a doctor with a god complex. you cant ever be the doctor and not have a god complex. the problem with moffats era specifically is that the god complex was constant and unrepentant and was seen as a fundamental personality trait of the doctor rather than a demon he has to fight. he has the Momence where you feel bad for him, the Momence where he shows his humility or whatever and youre reminded that he doesnt want to be the lonely god, but those are just. moments. in a story where the doctor thinks hes the main character. rtd era doctor was aware that he wasnt the main character. he had to be an authority sometimes and he had to be the loner and he had to be sad about it, but he ultimately understood that he was expendable in a narrative sense.

this is how you get lines like “were the thin fat gay married anglican marines, why would we need names as well?” from the same show that gave you the gut punch moment at the end of midnight when they realize that nobody asked the hostess for her name. and on the one hand, thats a small sticking point, but on the other hand, its just one small example of the simple disregard that moffat has for humanity.

incidentally, this is a huge part of why sherlock sucked so bad: moffats main characters are special bc theyre so much bigger and better than all the normal people, and thats his downfall as a showrunner. he thinks that his audience wants fucking sheldon cooper when what they want is people.

like, ok. think of how many fantastic rtd era eps are based in the scenario “what if the doctor wasnt there? what if he was just out of commission for a bit?” and how those eps are the heart of the show!! bc theyre about people being people!! the thing is that all of the rtd era companions would have died for the doctor but he understood and the story understood that it wasnt about him.

this is like. nine sending rose home to save her life and sacrifice his own vs clara literally metaphysically entwining her existence w the doctor. ten also sending rose with her family to save her life vs river being raised from infancy to be obsessed w the doctor and then falling in love w him. martha leaving bc she values herself enough to make that decision vs amy being treated like a piece of meat.

and this is simultaneously a great callback to when i said that moffats episodes during the rtd era sometimes had the same problems as his show running (bc girl in the fireplace reeks of this), and a great segue into the next grievance.

moffat hates women

he hates women so fucking much. g-d, does steven moffat ever hate women. holy shit, he hates women. especially normal human women who prioritize their normal human lives on an equal or higher level than the doctor. moffat hated rose bc she wasnt special by his standards. the empty child/the doctor dances is the nicest he ever treated her, and she really didnt do much in those eps beyond a fuck ton of flirting.

girl in the fireplace is another shining example of this. youve got rose (who once again has another man to keep her busy, bc moffat doesnt think shes good enough for the doctor) sidelined for no reason only to be saved by the doctor at the last second or whatever. and then youve got reinette, who is pretty and powerful and special!

its just. moffat thinks that the doctor is as shallow and selfish as he is. thats why he thinks the doctor would stay in one place with reinette and not with rose. bc moffat is shallow and sees himself in the doctor and doesnt think he should have to settle for someone boring and normal.

not to mention rose met the doctor as an adult and chose to stay with him whereas reinette is. hm. introduced to the doctor as a child and grows up obsessed with him.

does that sound familiar? it should! bc it is also true of amy and river. and all of them are treated as viable romantic pairings. bc the only women who deserve the doctor are the ones whose entire existence revolves around him. which includes clara as well.

genuinely i think that at least on some level, not even necessarily consciously, that bill was a lesbian in part bc capaldi was too old to appeal to mainstream shippers. like twelve/clara is still a thing but not as universally appealing as eleven/clara but i am just spitballing. but i think they weighed the pros and cons of appealing to the woke crowd over the het shippers and found that gay companion was more profitable. anyway the point is to segue into the next point, which is that moffat hates permanent consequences.

moffat hates permanent consequences

steven moffat does not know how to kill a character. honestly it feels like hes doing it on purpose after a certain point, like he knows he has this habit and hes trying to riff on it to meme his own shit, but it doesnt work. it isnt funny and it isnt harmless, its bad writing.

the end of the doctor dances is so poignant and so meaningful and so fucking good bc its just this once! everybody lives, just this once! and then he does p much the same thing in forest of the dead - this one i could forgive, bc i do think that preserving those peoples consciousnesses did something for the doctor as a character, it wasnt completely meaningless. but everything after that kinda was.

rory died so many times its like. get a hobby lol. amy died at least once iirc but it was all a dream or something. clara died and was erased from the doctors memory. river was in prison and also died. bill? died. all of them sugarcoated or undone or ignored by the narrative to the point of having effectively no impact on the story. the point of a major character death is that its supposed to have a point. and you could argue that a piece of art could be making a point with a pointless death, ie. to put perspective on it and remind you that bad shit just happens, but with moffat the underlying message is always “i can do whatever i want, nothing is permanent or has lasting impact ever.”

basically, with moffat, tragedy exists to be undone. and this was a really brilliant, really wonderful thing in the doctor dances specifically bc it was the doctor clearly having seen his fair share of tragedy that couldnt be helped, now looking on his One Win with pride and delight bc he doesnt get wins like this! and then moffat proceeded to give him the same win over and over and over and over. nobody is ever dead. nobody is ever unable to be saved. and if they are, really truly dead and/or gone, then thats okay bc moffat has decided that [insert mitigating factor here]*

*the mitigating factor is usually some sort of computerized database of souls.

i can hear the moffat stans falling over themselves to remind me that amy and rory definitely died, and they did - after a long and happy life together, they died of old age. i dont consider that a character death any more than any other character choosing to permanently leave the tardis.

and its not just character deaths either, its like, everything. the destruction of gallifrey? never mind lol! character development? scrapped! the same episode four times? lets give it a fifth try and hope nobody notices. bc he doesnt know how to not make the doctor either an omnipotent savior or a self-pitying failure.

it is in nature of doctor who, i believe, for the doctor to win most of the time. like, it wouldnt be a very good show if he didnt win most of the time. but it also wouldnt be a very good show if he won all of the time. my point is that moffats doctor wins too often, and when he doesnt win, it feels empty and hollow rather than genuinely humbling, and you know hes not gonna grow from it pretty much at all.

so like. again, i like all of doctor who i enjoy all of it very much. i just think that steven moffat is a bad show runner and a decent writer at times. and it is frustrating. and im not here to convince or convert anyone im just living my truth. thank you for listening.

[tommyspeakycap]

request for jack grealish one where he’s really upset over something and you’re there with him to comfort him, lots of physical contact being his love language and you being the only person he likes touching his hair ?

Comfort

You knew from the very second he walked through the door that annoyed would be an incredibly generous word to describe the emotions running through the Brummie boys head. You grimace to yourself, shoulder raising closer to your ears at the sound of the brand new front door slamming heavily behind him with a curse at the fact he couldn't get his shoes kicked off just right the first time he attempted it in the foyer.

The first game was a loss and just about all he'd gotten for the past few days was hate, stress, hate and some more fucking stress. He was exhausted. From Mykonos to Birmingham to get a bag full of clothes so he could meet Villa in London before eventually travelling to Manchester, his sleep schedule has been completely messed up and even when he did have bursts of time where he should have been sleeping, he had been laying awake scrolling through countless tweets criticising his every single move. Add to that the fact his body was exhausted from international duty and that he had wanted nothing more than to curl up by your side and let his worries melt away like he had last gotten to do nearly three whole months ago.

He doesn't know you're here. To the very best of Jack's knowledge, you were still home in Birmingham and he would probably have to broach the conversation of whether or not you'll be joining him up anytime soon, if ever. He lets out a frustrated grunt, but you know Jack better than anyone else and there's the thick sheen of his heart aching tears existing beneath his frustration.

"Hey baby."

His head snaps around to land his eyes on you the second your sweet voice meets his buzzing ears. The echos of Etihad still burn a bit of his hearing away for now, but he knows it'll return to normal by the end of the night. The tears that had previously been kept on his lash line, pushed back by his will not to breakdown for fear he might not be able to stop if he starts are now past the last line of defence, streaming over his cheeks as he crossed the floor at a pace that would send his fife rating into surefire question.

Your body makes an involuntary 'oof' as he crashes against you, his arms so tight around your body as he stops you from stumbling back with the force of his incoming hug. You don't think he's ever actually held you that tightly before, never with such dire necessity, with such urgency for you to be as close to him as he could get you.

The hair that's been allowed to fall loose from the band he'd earlier had it tied back in tickles the back of your neck as it dangles over the exposed skin. He mumbles something almost incoherent about how much he's missed you into your neck, pepping chaste kisses where his lips have landed against you in this hug. You wished you could enjoy that, but the dampening that has begun to occur over the shoulder that his head is above reminds you of the pain he must be in.

Leaving your childhood club is one thing, but leaving it when everybody else seems to think he's a monster for it is a whole different kind of agony. There were just too many emotions for people to see the kind of things Jack had given for the club and the huge opportunity he had left them with his legacy and with the money they copped for his record breaking sale.

"It's okay, Jacky." You coo, tightening your arms around you as he attempts one tighter squeeze to force the tears back into him. It's a futile attempt, his arms loosening but never dropping away from you as he squeezes his eyes shut and lets those sobs shake his body. "I got you, baby. I've got you."

There was such a mix of emotions running through him that made him feel like the world had just pushed him to the ground and taken the perfect opportunity to give his body a good kicking. First final for England in 55 years, then they lost in a penalty shootout he didn't even get to be a part of after a game he barely got to play in. Then a holiday he couldn't take with you because of work commitments and a sudden coworker needed sooner maternity leave meaning your holiday was completely eliminated. As if those things didn't dampen his spirit, all that transfer business had gone down and it was finally all hitting him.

His exhaustion had caught up, an inevitable burn out that could be messed only by the presence of you in his life. Some of this tears that stream down his cheeks and pool on the grey material of your t-shirt are ones of joy and relief for finally having you back in his arms again for the first time in far too long of a time. Jack vows he will never ever spend that amount of time without you again. Never will he let so much time pass before he gets to hold you, kiss you and tell you face to face how much he truly loves every single thing about you.

"You're my rockstar, you know." You announce, seemingly out of the blue ones his body wracking sobs had died to smaller sniffled and period tears streaking down onto you. "I've literally never been prouder of anyone in my life ever. Not only did you fucking smash the euros, but then you stayed so sweet and so amicable during such a difficult process. You handled everything so well, J. I'm so proud or you and I'm so, so happy for you." You promise, pushing him back so you can take his blotchy, tear streaked face in your head. The expanse of that face is coved in your kisses, pecked all over the surface until he's giggling like the Jack that you know so well, his laugh the most contagious sound you've ever been lucky enough to get to hear on a daily basis. "And I'm so lucky that you let me share this journey with you." You finish, landing your lips softly and perfectly onto his with a warmth and love he had been desperately missing out on for those last vital few weeks of his break.

"S' our journey," Jack mumbles in response against your lips, pulling back every so slightly so he can get a proper good look at the face he had missed so much in person. Your cute quirked eyebrows and confusion tainted eyes make him smile before he elaborates. "Not my journey, it's our journey together. All of this, just the two of us."

His words make your heart sore, flying up onto the space above you in pure glee. You had to admit there was a mild element of fear wondering if he would want you here or if he'd maybe be wanting fresh start, but that was certainly not the case for Jack.

"I love you," he says as you feel him tuck you right back into his chest with a content hum. "I love you too, but you need a wash."

Jack's laughter bellows loudly from his chest beneath your ear at your lightly playful and yet very truthful statement.

"I ran you a bubble bath for you. Bathroom's huuuuge." Your eyes are full of wonder like he thought they might be when he would get the opportunity to bring you out to his temporary Manchester abode. This is you would both stay until he could find a house to place some money down on so he can truly start to settle out the fact he's going to have the next six years of his life here in this area with this club. It makes him more than happy, being here. But something that tickles him in thought as he follows you up the stairs is that he'll get to experience all of this newness with you. You’ll get to explore the new area together, find nee places, making it home together. You had both known Soulihull like the back of your hand, now you could find new places to just be together. He can go house hunting with you. He'll let you drag him through the houses he probably wouldn't otherwise look so much into, talking about what room could be which and silly little things he wouldn't even have noticed.

He could pick a house with you that would have enough room to start a family in together within the next year or so, like you had been hoping to do depending on what the club and transfer season had brought. This brought stability, a team that would function well without a reliance on him if there were some things he had to sit out in order to build this family.

It had been, unbeknownst to you, such a pivotal part of discussions with the Manchester City agents. Jack made it clear he was looking for stability and trophies. He had done so much for Villa and now it was time for him to invest energy in bigger fights with bigger clubs that don't face relegation so constantly. He made it clear to the managers also that the was looking to be in the business of starting a family sometime soon. He was welcomed with open arms still. A club who wanted him desperately and would probably have caved to many more demands from him, not having a fraction of an issue with negotiated paternity pay and leave.

He couldn't wait to find a house and settle down here with you for the foreseeable future, even if things didn't look exactly as he thought they might've looked when you first got together as merely young adults.

"What's going on in that pretty head of yours, eh?" You ask softly, running your fingers gently through his tangled and sweaty hair as he stands there in the middle of the large bathroom. Jack shrugs. There's so much in there today, not really like usual where he could sort through those thoughts and keep his head clear for every day and every game he faces.

"Just stressed," he huffs, allowing you to help him out of the brand new away strip he had been given at the beginning of the day today for his first first game with the new team.

His muscles are achy and tight, body still stiff from the cold that the rain had battered into his limbs as you easily hook off his boxers and tug them down his legs so he can step over the bathtub into the perfect temperature bubble filled water that makes him heave out a heavy sigh of relief the second it meets his skin.

"Talk to me, baby?"

And talk to you he did after he sat down in that bath with you.

He leaned back against you, allowing you to lather shampoo into the hair he trusted very few people with multiple times to massage the ache out of his skull from the previous days tension headaches. He talks about all those messages from so many unhappy people, some even City fans who didn't even want to entertain the idea of him being there. He talks about his worry of sitting on the bench season after season, telling you he was hoping to god those tweets wouldn't be further from the truth. He confided in you some of his greatest pains; the concept that he'd let his Villa teammates down and maybe even made his family unhappy despite the fact they had given him nothing but their full support and unsurprising pride just like everybody else in his immediate circle.

You massage muscle relaxing soap into all of the muscles in his body as he just talks, letting the weight of the world off of his shoulders to dissipate like the steam in the air from the bath. Only once he has everything off his chest and the waters gone cold do you both leave the bathroom, wrapped in towels then into pyjamas where he wraps you up in his arms like he's been desperate to do since the moment he touched off for International duty months ago, and he talks again.

This time, he talks to you instead of just talking out every worry and fear he's ever had.

Jack uses probably the most amount of words he's ever used in such sensible succession in order to paint you a perfect mental picture of a house just outside the city with a huge garden, fenced in for dogs and kids with a pool and enough room for all three of those future kids to have their own room, even though they'll share at first just for fun. He paints a picture of you at his games with two sons and a daughter, his name on each shirt along your back. The kids will call Foden uncle Phil and they’ll love him just like you both do. They'll get to play with the teams kids on the pitch after the games no matter how tired the guys are even if they've been thrashed in a loss. He depicts the kind of life you had both wanted for so long, somehow always deterred by something until right this moment, the time feeling like it had rolled perfectly into place for both of you.

And Jack tells you about how you'll poke fun at him when he starts to get those salt and pepper strands of hair and he'll love you no matter how you look. Your kids will learn what love is from their parents, they'll pick it up and they'll emulate it in their own lives sometime in the future. They'll stamp out hate with the hearts full of love that you will both allow those kids to grow into.

You both fall asleep together that night, wrapped in each others arms drifting off into dreams of kids that don't exist yet in a house you haven't even looked for with a future that each of you wants nothing more than to grab onto with both hands.

Jack's heart hurts for the changes he's made this week. He doubts the pain will ever fully leave him and he hopes that one day his club will welcome him back to end his career on a high note with them. However, until then the pain will be dulled by the prospect of his new future here.

One he can't wait to get stuck right into.

[c0rpseductor]

like sorry to have a. i don’t know. would it be dramatic to call this religious trauma? Well anyway sorry for the moment but like

anybody who knows me for shit knows i had a cartoonishly awful childhood. this is like, me 101. i started to self-harm as a very little kid bc i thought god hated me, so part of my issue is like, i was already mentally ill right out of the gate.

i would learn one thing in church and then come home and be told all the stuff really virulent cruel evangelicals believe, essentially. like at Sunday school i’d hear “be nice to everybody” and then come home and my mom would be like “oh Lestat. you poor fucking rube. God is vindictive and spiteful and punishes anyone he dislikes. Christians think anybody who’s suffering deserves it because God chose it for them. Christianity is evil and full of hypocrisy.” and, I mean, i understand why she had a lot of anger toward it and why she felt like there are no adequate answers for the problem of evil and ESPECIALLY why she thinks vocal christians suck. we live in America, no shit! I’ve seen TV pastors! but you don’t unload that on a kid, and especially not a kid who is also being hurt so acutely that his takeaway is “my parents do bad things to me because god wants me to suffer.” so i grew up, uh, normal

and it frustrates me as an adult because i know what the takeaway is “supposed” to be, or at least what less insanely aggressive christians tell me it is. i get that i got essentially the exact opposite message i was supposed to receive. but not only do i struggle to believe it, but the kind of things my mom used to complain about are the same things i see people unironically lob at other people. like on the adult survivors of csa group ive seen people say “during your childhood, if you felt abandoned, it’s because you weren’t listening hard enough for god. because god was there and your feelings are wrong.” like, it’s their fault? someone has a crisis of faith for one of the most understandable possible reasons and you think they just aren’t trying hard enough? and people will say with a straight face like, act like lgbt people are these subhuman aberrations and god hates them and spit on them because their idea is like, anyone who’s big and strong is who god loves and anyone who’s being hurt and tortured deserves it because god decided that’s how it would go.

it frustrates me so much that my dad like, abused me emotionally and mentally and physically and sexually and drove my mother and i out of our home and treated his whole family like obstacles in the way of his desires and then had the fucking gall to be a born-again Christian about it. it fucks with my head SO bad that nothing bad ever happens to him and he’s so easily able to go to church and uncritically swallow everything he’s told. it just feels like this confirmation that everything is arbitrary and anyone who’s been “picked” by god can do whatever evil things they want but anyone who’s hated can never, ever atone enough for the cardinal offense of having been born, no matter how much they pray or suffer.

and like, idk if i can ever get out of that hole, but it still makes me so fucking sick when people who act like they’re perfect Christians spit on people because they think they have the right to decide who is and isn’t human. because i know that’s the opposite of what they’re supposed to be getting out of it and because it’s disgusting, cruel, arrogant behavior.