#i just needed to get all my life experiences somewhere since i can't talk to my gf (me problem expressing myself feels painful these days)

[electrobiology]

you only get better at writing through writing but how do people think of things to write about....... but that's not even my problem it's how do you turn your thoughts into words....... and how do you make it meaningful.....

[hel-phoenyx]

OK so since right know I'm under a lot of questions about my identity and that doesn't help the jealousy problem bugging me right know I'm going to put in thoughts how exactly I live my aromanticism and see if it will help

I discovered the LGBTQ community at 17 on Wattpad. Bad start, I know, but at this point there was on this site a very useful account talking about LGBTQ problems, sharing stories and testimonies, and this is where it's important, identities. So I discovered aromanticism at the same time I discovered homosexuality, pansexuality, bisexuality, and other more niche terms.

The term was bugging me in a good sense, but it also felt like a death sentence. I am a very romantic person, I wanted my significant other, and at the time I loved romance and still was in my twilight phase, to give you an idea. So I went through... Quite a lot of terms. Both niche and less. I was the sapio kid, then pan, then bi, and started accepting I was ace.

I came to terms with my aromanticism later, while I was in a very complicated phase of my life (beginning of college, hard af major since I was trying out medical studies) and discovered with my then friends that we had very different conceptions of romance. Accepting I was aromantic was a milestone in my journey, in the sense that it was no longer a death sentence. I came to terms with the fact that I would most likely be the celibate friend of the group, and while at the time I pretended pre-med killed it in me, deep down I think I knew that was not new.

Exploring the term allowed me to look on a new angle on many experiences of my live. I discovered the compulsory heterosexuality I was bringing with me since elementary school and allowed myself to express attractions in the way I felt it rather than in an allonormativity carcan. That felt good. But I was still a bit downed by all my friends being into a relationship or living crushes and feeling like I'll always be the second choice. Because duh. Why would they put a friend before a significant other ? As much as I would like to, life doesn't work that way.

And then I came across the "queerplatonic relationship" term and I was overjoyed. There was a way to explore connexions without having to feel the Big Romance(tm), to live what I always wanted to live, how I wanted too.

Queerplatonic relationships and the one I share with my partners currently is the outlet where I allow myself to live little Hel's dream of romance and connexions while grown-up Hel isn't hiding about the fact that I am not in love with them. The affection, the conenxion, the love I feel for them is genuine, but the gestures, the hand-holding, the kisses, many romance-specific things that I do are not. It is not like I am forcing myself tho. I do this because I want to. It just doesn't come naturally.

I am now 22 going on 23, using three labels : bi (not bisexual), aroace and polyA, and it took a lot of time for me to be adjusted to my current dating life. I have amazing partners I wanna share my life with, I am proud about my aromanticism, defines my attraction how I want to because those words helped me grow as a person. But I feel like I have still room for improvement, and this is both in a way I do not want to and a way i feel necessary for my wellbeing.

There are still many problems. I'm afraid I'll end up performing too much and losing that connexion with my partners because I want to keep them. This is already impacting my relationship with my girlfriend, who is with several other people including one who needs a lot of attention and that she sees often (all of us are long distance). You guessed it : I'm jealous as fuck and feel both left out and that this jealousy has no place to be here, because I'm the one who doesn't do any "effort". There is also the fact that more and more of my experimentations become perfomance. The fact that I feel more and more like a fraud because I'm an aromantic in a relationship and I perform more and more when I can, so that word who saved me is slowly losing meaning in a bad way. I didn't even react when yesterday in a vc my friend called my other friend "the only real aro here" without thinking and realizing that. hurts. The fact that I'm trying to be like my metamour so I can get attention but this is not me, I am too distant for this and it's just not helping.

Welp this became a vent post quickly o_o"

The conclusion that I'd like to bring here is both for aros and allos. That I want a world where my way of exploring connexions is celebrated as as much important as romantic relationships and where I won't feel the need to perform anymore. That people stop calling us all loveless or frauds or whatever just because we don't feel like you. Where I can experiment in peace without being judged or feeeling that know that I've done this, I'll need to do it again to validate my relationship. Where we can have dirty minds, romantic personalities, enjoy sex and romance, be in a relationship of our making and still be able to call ourselves aces and aros.

Where we can just live our lives without being trapped in a model or another, would it be celibacy or romance.

[kiwiikato]

mommy’s here // ken sato x reader

Chapter Three

masterlist

your eyes stayed focus on how the lights flashed. you knew he was undergoing stress, risking himself to change back to his human form due to professor sato teaching you. you cleared your throat, causing ultraman and the robot known as mina to face you.

"uhm- so i know i'm a complete stranger but i want to clarify that i mean no harm to you, as a hero and to your personal life. i'm willing to offer my assistance to help with the baby kaiju as well since i am technically apart of this mess." you said internally twiddling your thumbs at the stress.

you took a deep breath to keep yourself calm, not wanting to change back to human without your personal desire. "how could you even help?" he asked staring you down.

you went to speak up, before the baby kaiju reached out to you. you pulled them into your grasp, cradling them into your hands. "i can take care of it. i have more experience with taking care of babies when i would help others, and this shouldn't be that different or hard to figure out." you said, rubbing its back as it cooed at you.

before ken could respond, he was cut off by the mina talking. "it is true. it appears to have imprinted onto the both of you. you will both have to play the role of parents to nurture her."

he froze in shock at what she had just said. "no no no, are you saying that?" "yes, she thinks that you're both her mother and father." the baby kaiju reached out to him, trying to get into his hold at the same time, to which he took her into his hands.

"ah! no! i am not built for this! ive got a life. a title to win! you do something nice and now i'm babysitting a giant pink lizard thing!" he froze, almost like he was thinking of an idea. and he was. "we've gotta get it out of here." he said quietly. you chucked at him.

"what?? what's so funny to you?" he asked internally panicking. "i'm laughing cause you brought her here and don't want to admit responsibility. besides, your not doing this alone. i'm free to take care of her for you." you said taking the baby kaiju into your arms.

"but i don't even know you? you don't even know me! we can't have her here, we need to take her somewhere else!" his voice rose with concern as he stared at the baby kaiju that you cuddled into your body.

"and where would you suggest we take her?" mina asked as you raised your eyebrow at him, urging him to continue. he strained himself for an idea, causing him to flash red and blue all over again. "oh! we'll take her to kaiju island." he said proud of the idea.

"unfortunately, no one knows where kaiju island is. neither your parents or the KDF were ever able to locate the island." mina spoke. ultramans light began to flash faster as a whirring sound sounded from him. he quickly looked at you. the worry on his face clear as day at the idea of someone knowing his secret identity only adding onto his stress.

"it would be very bad if you were to change right now." mina spoke up. a light flashed in the room as where ultraman sat was now gone. you moved with haste, gently placing the kaiju on the floor.

knowing that his identity would now be revealed, even though you already knew it, you quickly changed back into your human form. the best way to have him trust you was to trust him yourself with who you are.

landing softly on the floor, you stretched your limbs to release some tension. you moved to stare at his now limp body that twitched from the impact of his fall.

you snickered a laugh as you crouched down to his level. "hey, you better get up. i don't think it's time for you to die yet. ain't that right, ken sato?" his body froze at his real name being said, making him look up at you quickly with fear on his face.

ken stood up, he stammered for words to say. any thing he would've say was cut off at the sound of footsteps. loud footsteps. the baby kaiju, now bigger than the both of you, stood staring at you with curiosity.

he nervously chuckled at her. "hi." ken waved at her softly with a sideways smile. you both froze in fear of her reaction. and with good reason. her adorable beady eyes watered up as she released a cry. the baby kaiju cried as a sonic beam hit a wall with cars hanging from it. the car fell to the ground with a crash as they broke.

you both jumped out of the way screaming for your lives. kenji stood up holding his face in fear at his cars being ruined. "what the heck is that!?" he yelled. "she's scared of the both of you." mina responded as you both ran with the baby kaiju chasing after you. "scared of us?! she's twenty feet tall!" you yelled as you ran for your life, scared of being hurt, as ken nodded his head quickly.

"she doesn't know you both! she only knows ultraman and the ultragirl!" you both ran faster as the baby kaiju got closer, shoot more sonic beams as you ducked your heads. "mina! containment unit!" kenji commanded. "which one?"

"the biggest one!!" you both yelled at the same time as you felt your feet become heavier from the running. suddenly silence filled the room as you both slowed down. you turned around to see a hole in the floor. something rose from the ground, showing the baby kaiju in a glass containment unit, her eyes watery from fear.

her cute clawed hands tapped at the glass as she whined. you couldn't help but frown at her sad expression. "oh poor baby." you softly said to yourself. you turned to see ken crouching down, his hands on his knees as he slowly caught his breath.

"ken, there really is only one person who could help." mina suggested. "no no no, you did not just suggest—" his yelling was cut off by mina. "sorry ken, i already called." you giggled at mina's actions, finding it funny how she didn't care what ken had to say.

a screen popped up in front of you both, your eyes landing on professor sato who had his face too close to the camera. "kenji? it's your father! are you there? hello?" you frowned seeing his desperation to talk to him.

professor sato had told you about their strained relationship, but even then, you could see he missed him by the way he watched his games and cheered for him, even if his own son hated him for their past.

▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄▄

you slowly traced behind kenji as he headed towards the door. you stayed silent, noticing his discomfort in you even being here and now knowing who he was. you were still a total stranger to him, he didn't even know your name. the total haste of the situation prevented you from introducing yourself.

he opened the door, your eyes noticing how it rained outside. you couldn't see professor sato since kenji blocked the view with his bodybut you knew he was there from hearing his voice.

"kenji!" his voice was hushed but filled with worry. "dad! hey hey, what's up? how about that game tonight?" kenji responded quickly, his voice was high but filled with fake pleasantries. "oh thank god. you're okay?"

"yeah you know, i'm uh good. it was a tough battle. i'm a little sore. still recovering but—" kenji stopped talking when a screech came from downstairs. "what was that?" kenji froze and jumbled his words trying to come up with an excuse. "uh y'know it's a—" you snickered at his attempts and decided to help him out.

"it was me! i accidentally hit a chair and it scratched the floor badly." you pushed kenji out of the way, cracking the door open more for professor sato to see you. his face morphed into one of relief.

"y/n! i was worried about you since i hadn't heard anything from you after the crash. are you okay?" you gave him a soft smile. "i'm okay professor. kenji here was taking care of me so don't worry." you said hitting his arm playfully.

kenji froze at the interaction between you and his dad. 'how did you know each other? did he teach you? why was his father closer with you then him? why?' he shook his thoughts away, adding onto your words to make your story believable. "yeah, we were having a party." the yellow lights behind the both of you changed to colorful flashing lights as he bobbed his side to side to the music that played.

you internally smacked your head knowing how professor sato would react. you knew how he felt about the kaijus, how he held some type of respect for the creatures that terrorized japan and the power that they carried.

"the most magnificent creature on earth has died. the last of it's kind. and you both are throwing a party!?" his voice rose with disappointment as he stared at the both of you. you never felt any anger from professor sato ever directed at you before so to see him accuse you as well, it hurt. it dearly hurt.

but kenji took it worse. his eyes sharpened at he stared, for a moment he could only see rage at the insensitivity of his father for his well-being, especially after being caught in an explosion while battling gigantron.

"that magnificent creature nearly took my head off, dad. both of ours," he pointed a finger at you, "i haven't seen you in twenty years. you chose this city and literal monsters over us!" ken's voice rose with anger as he walked up to his dad making him only move backwards with him. "no-" a broken sound left professor sato's mouth.

"then you get hurt, can't hack it anymore, and i get to come back and clean up the mess you made as ♪ da, da, da, daa ♪ ultraman! which i only did because mom begged me to! and you're more worried about the monster. and not only that, but i come back to find that you've been playing dad for someone else."

kenji's head snaps towards you with an angry look. you could only stay silent at the scene before you. you knew it wasn't your place to speak. you so badly wanted to say something. but you only knew so much and saying something would make it worse. you could only look down as kenji snarled and looked back at his dad.

"classic." professor sato stared back at him, his eyes watery, as his eyebrows furrowed in pain. "no- i only wanted to... protect you." "but you didn't. you didn't even pay attention." his voice broke at the confrontation as his dads features went down from hurt.

kenji turned around and looked at you. "go inside. we still need to talk and i'm going to need some answers." his voice was stern. you nodded your head and went inside. you knew you owed him an explanation. how could he not want one when he just found out a total stranger was being taught by his own dad.

you turned around and went inside, walking past the kitchen and living room to the metal door that led to the underwater lair. you eyes landed on the baby kaiju that sat in the containment unit, where mina hovered around her.

"hello. is ken still outside?" mina asked you. "he is. he told me to come inside, saying that he still wanted to talk." you responded back to her. "very well, follow me."

mina began to float away, to which you began to follow after her. you both ended up in a small room that had a giant tv and a couch in front of it. "take a seat. i will let you know when ken is back to talk." you nodded your head as she flew away, not before turning the tv on to a random show to keep you busy with.

it wasn't long before you heard footsteps walking towards the direction of the room you were left in. you looked up the see the owner of the footsteps. ken stared at you from the doorway of the room. "okay. let's talk."

-

taglist: @ilovemyhusbandaaravos

[hotdaemondtargaryen]

PHIA SABAN INTERVIEWED BY ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY.

SO MUCH HAPPENED IN THE FINALE, AND HELAENA WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF SO MUCH OF IT. WHAT WAS YOUR REACTION WHEN YOU FOUND OUT HOW MUCH INFLUENCE HELAENA WAS GOING TO HAVE IN THIS EPISODE?

"When I read the episode, I was so excited to be involved in that trippy dream sequence."

"I was hoping that I was going to arise from a lake of goo or something, or fly."

"But I was also really happy to stand there and talk."

"That was really exciting because we did that all in a green screen stage, just me and Matt, so it was really cool."

"I watched the last episode last night, and it was really cool to see all of that come to life."

"I was very pleased to be involved in that."

"My other thought was if she feels this kind of clarity in that scene that she has with Aemond, and that isn't historically how she's felt about her power and everything."

I needed to work backwards from there and try and work out what journey she has been on, for that moment to be so clear, when usually she's a bit more like, "Oh, there's a beast somewhere."

WHAT CONVERSATIONS DID YOU HAVE WITH SHOWRUNNER RYAN CONDAL ABOUT HELAENA'S EXPANDED ROLE AND HOW SHE'S GOTTEN TO THIS POINT IN THE FINALE? BECAUSE SO MUCH OF HER JOURNEY HAS BEEN INTERNAL.

"Actually, Ryan and [writer] Sara [Hess] and the writers, they very much left it to me as to how Helaena feels, how she connects to that side of it, and how it manifests for her, but it's an interesting one."

"The line between what I know and what she knows, I try and keep quite close together, so it's not always so helpful for me to have this really overarching idea of how exactly she plays in and what magic it is."

"Because I think every time when that happens to her, it feels like the first time."

"So I know as much as she does, in a way, but they were very keen for me to interpret it however I want."

"Then I think they're just going to weave it into the story in their magical way."

TELL ME ABOUT YOUR PROCESS IN WORKING BACKWARDS FROM THAT CONFRONTATION WITH AEMOND. HOW DID YOU GET INTO HELAENA'S MINDSET?

"How I describe it is she has this amazingly strong intuition, and things come to her as gut feelings in flashes, but they're not always clear."

"She can't always turn them into advice."

"It's more of like a feeling that takes her over."

"That's where some of those really abstract things that she mutters earlier on comes from, but she also thinks of herself and knows of herself that she's quite a strange girl."

"There's a way in which her family lets her go and be her strangeness in her room and do all of her Helaena things."

But also she partially thinks, "Maybe if I didn't have these weird feelings or this strange intuition or this really intense experience that I have, then I could be a bit closer to people around me, or I could communicate better or it would be less strange."

"Part of her represses that stuff."

"Then I think with the trauma that happened to her in episode 1, essentially the worst possible thing happened, and there's a certain amount of dissociation and almost like a letting go of that, like trying her best to be the same as everyone else."

She has disassociated from the family reality, and maybe she has stepped in a little bit more to the other place, and she has more access because she's gone, "I can't abandon myself as well, so what is this?"

"She's given it the attention and the intensity it needed."

SINCE HELAENA BEING A DRAGON DREAMER ISN'T IN THE BOOK, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF HOW YOU'RE GETTING TO CHART NEW TERRITORY FOR THE CHARACTER?

"It's really fun."

"I know that people feel so passionately and lovingly towards the original story, but I think that me, as a fan of things, I love a certain level of loyalty."

"Then I love the idea that I can be surprised or something could be subverted."

"It more flatters the audience's intelligence when you get to surprise them and subvert things, so I like the idea that people didn't see that coming for Helaena."

"Obviously, I can't watch the show as an impartial person."

I WOULD BE VERY IMPRESSED IF YOU COULD.

"[Laughs] I'd be like a psychopath, yeah."

WHAT'S IT LIKE BEING THE BRAN OF THIS SHOW?

"The thing is that I really have absolutely no idea what's happening next season."

"I think that moment in episode 8 is an example of how clear and how powerful she can be, but I don't think that's the beginning of now she can just communicate like that."

"I wouldn't be surprised if she walks away from Aemond, [mimes shaking her head and shoulders and blows out a breath], and she goes inside and goes to her room and that doesn't happen again for a long time."

"So who knows, but it would be really cool if I got to spend more time in that vision dream world."

"I would love that."

"There's that moment when Daemon's going over to the tree, and then there's a guy with a deer head or something."

"I think Helaena should hang out with him."

THEY SHOULD GO OFF TOGETHER HAVE THEIR OWN SIDE ADVENTURES. NEW SPINOFF IDEA.

"Yeah, exactly."

"That's what I want for the next season."

DOES THIS REVELATION THAT HELAENA IS ACTUALLY A DRAGON DREAMER MAKE YOU RETHINK YOUR CHARACTER AT ALL?

"Yeah, I think it's fun because it's essentially development, which is what you always hope for when you play someone."

"I just really hope that there's momentum from this, that we see her change more and more and keep on being surprising."

WHAT WAS IT LIKE FILMING THAT SCENE WITH MATT WHERE HELAENA KNOCKS DAEMON DOWN A PEG AND REALLY HUMBLES HIM IN THE FINALE?

"It was fun."

We were there on the green screen going like, 'What the hell is this going to look like?'

"But it's great to do work with the people from the other team because at this point the relationships are so bad that you're really only going to get Helaena and Daemon together in a vision."

"They're probably not going to be having lunch together anytime soon."

"[Laughs] I'd love to go and hang out with Harry Collett and Bethany Antonia and Phoebe Campbell next time."

"I'd like to go and hang out with Alys Rivers [Gayle Rankin], all the people that live in different castles."

"Maybe I could meet them in dreams."

"That would be really good."

"It'd be like ... did you ever play Club Penguin?"

[LAUGHS] I HAVE!

"It could be Club Penguin."

It's like, "Meet me here at 3 p.m. by the igloo."

That'd be so fun if Helaena could just be like, "Let's go and hang out in dreams. Go and touch the tree, and I'll be there."

NO ONE HAS EVER LISTENED TO HELAENA UNTIL DAEMON REALLY TAKES HER WORDS TO HEART AND CHANGES HIS ENTIRE COURSE. DOES HELAENA FULLY APPRECIATE OR EVEN KNOW THE PART SHE'S PLAYING IN THIS WAR NOW?

"No, I don't think so."

It's all so intense for her and so immediate that I don't think she even is always like, "I have this overarching understanding of the story."

"I think it comes to her in moments."

"Maybe it muddies the water more, but I feel like that whole dream stuff is up for interpretation as well from the audience."

"How much is she a projection of his guilt, or how much did he just need to hear that from someone?"

"It's this magical realm, so anything could be possible."

"Maybe that's something that she could say in a moment, and then she's gone from there again, and it's just like she was just being channeled through."

"Who knows? Maybe we'll find out more."

I think to her it's just, 'This is my really intense experience of being alive,' and that's enough self-analysis for anyone in that moment.

It's like, "What am I going through?"

"And then there's this clarity."

"She's got a lot to process this season."

"Bless her."

WHAT WAS IT LIKE FILMING THE SCENE WHERE HELAENA STANDS UP TO AEMOND AND REVEALS SHE KNOWS THE TRUTH ABOUT WHAT HE DID? THAT'S ONE OF THOSE RARE MOMENTS OF CLARITY FOR HER.

It's really fun to work with Ewan — yet again, I'm answering the question in an annoying way because I'm like, "I just like working with those people!"

"[Laughs] That was really cool."

"God, this is really the first time... it's the most eye-contact she's ever made in both seasons."

And she's really going like, "Don't fuck with me."

Basically, "Because I have this knowledge that's on a higher realm and I cannot and will not go and kill people for male ego and toxicity."

That's the other funny thing with this family: Yes, he's the Prince Regent or whatever, and her husband/brother is the King.

But actually to each other it's like, "You're my brother and you can push me and you can push me, but I know you."

"That is more about a sibling dynamic."

"Actually, I think that Aemond ironically is one of the people that Helaena feels she can communicate with a little bit better."

"They have this sort of affinity."

"It's just fun to play with those dynamics because she doesn't have a lot of long chats with anyone, so it's fun for me."

YEAH, THE LONGEST CHAT SHE'S HAD UNTIL NOW HAS BEEN WITH HER BUGS.

"Exactly, and they don't really answer back."

"This is very new and very overwhelming."

HELAENA DOESN'T WANT TO RIDE HER DRAGON INTO BATTLE, BUT DO YOU? HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT MISSING OUT ON THE BIG DRAGON BATTLES SO FAR?

"Yeah! It's House of the Dragon, and I've got a dragon, and I haven't got on it."

"I'm rusty."

"I really wanted to get on the dragon."

"I went and watched a few people on the buck this season, and I was so jealous."

"I'd really love to get on the dragon, or at least have a scene with Dreamfyre."

"Dreamfyre, like Vhagar, she's super ancient and big and cool."

"I'd like to see Helaena and Dreamfyre having a sort of spiritual connection, but I'm not complaining."

"I'm just happy to be here."

[rhysiana]

Because I saw a post about how modern AU WWX would probably actually be as tall as LWJ, if not taller, since so many modern AUs don't feature him suffering as much childhood privation as canon, which reminded me of another thought I have had, about how an early life period of interrupted growth can in fact just delay a person's growth spurts rather than eliminating them. Thus: WWX who gets confusingly taller after graduating from college.

3 People Wei Ying Talked to About Suddenly Getting Taller and 1 Person Who Definitely Noticed On His Own

[Now also on AO3]

Wen Ning

Wei Ying looked down at his feet, perplexed. "Wen Ning?" he yelled down the hall. "Did something weird happen to the washing machine that you didn't tell me about?"

Wen Ning popped his head around the door to Wei Ying's room. "No? I don't think so."

"Then why are all my pants suddenly too short?" A new thought occurred to him and he looked up, now delighted. "Wen Ning! Are you actually pulling a prank on me? I know I don't have all that many clothes, but still, this must have taken so much work! I respect the dedication." He held out a fist.

Wen Ning just blinked at him. "I think... maybe you got taller, actually?"

Wei Ying scoffed. "I'm way too old for a growth spurt. Seriously, did Nie Huaisang put you up to this?"

Wen Ning gave up arguing and simply produced a tape measure instead.

~*~

Wen Qing

Wei Ying burst into Wen Qing's lab, which he might have felt worse about if she hadn't been babysitting an experiment while no one else was around. He still received an impressive glare, but he didn't have time to worry about that right now.

"Wen Qing, I need you to test me for every weird kind of chemical exposure you can think of!"

She blinked at him, looking remarkably like her brother for a moment. "Wei Ying, you're in computer science. Exactly when do you come in contact with chemicals?"

"Uh. A leak on the science campus somewhere?"

"What is actually wrong with you? Tell me in the next," she glanced at the clock, "three minutes or leave."

"I apparently grew another inch in the last month without noticing. That can't be natural. I'm 23."

She stared at him for a moment, frowned, and then her expression cleared. "You said once that you had a bad time when you were younger. Stopped growing for a while."

"Why do you even remember that?" Wei Ying asked with an uncomfortable laugh, looking away. He must have been drunk; he didn't usually bring that time of his life up in any detail. It just made people sad.

Wen Qing turned away briskly, ignoring his minor display of emotion, and checked some readouts he was pretty sure hadn't actually changed in any way yet. "Well, that's why. Your growth spurts just got delayed, not erased. It's normal. I'll send you some references tomorrow."

He swept her up in a relieved hug. "Thank you, Qing-jie. Even if this does mean I'm not developing some weird superpower mutation."

She poked him cruelly in the ribs to get him to let go. "Go away, you're distracting me."

~*~

Jiang Cheng

"You what?!" Jiang Cheng demanded at full volume. It'd been a while since they'd managed to get together in person--Wei Ying had nearly forgotten how red with frustration Jiang Cheng could get.

Wei Ying grinned and bounced a little on his toes to really rub it in. "Grew another inch."

"No! This isn't allowed! The universe can't do this to me!"

"What's the problem, little brother?" Wei Ying edged closer so he could prop his elbow on Jiang Cheng's shoulder and really lean on him. "I think I should get jiejie to measure me again and mark it on the door frame. Really make it official."

"Don't you dare!"

"Why don't I ask her now, so she'll be all ready when we see her next weekend?" Wei Ying fished out his phone and then held it up over his head, laughing, as Jiang Cheng lunged for it.

Jiang Cheng's eyes narrowed. "An inch isn't really that much," he growled, and hooked Wei Ying's leg in a takedown they'd both learned when they were 11.

Wei Ying tossed his phone out of wrestling range and turned his full attention to finding a hold that would make Jiang Cheng tap out.

~*~

Lan Zhan

"Wei Ying."

Most people claimed Lan Zhan's voice (and face) didn't have any expression, but Wei Ying could clearly hear the shock underlying his name.

"Lan Zhan!" he returned brightly. "You're back! Did you have a good trip? You've been gone for months and months!"

Wei Ying was used to the intensity of Lan Zhan's regard under normal circumstances--one of the many things he loved about being friends with him--but he didn't think he was imagining that it was particularly intense today.

"It was as I texted you," Lan Zhan said shortly, and then, surprisingly, continued before Wei Ying could get a teasing reply in. "Wei Ying... did you get taller?"

"Oh, that!" Wei Ying felt himself start to blush, for some reason. "Yeah, I did. It was so weird at first, but Qing-jie assures me it's normal, and I've almost gotten used to it now. It was just an inch but I had to go buy all new... pants..." He trailed off as Lan Zhan pushed into his personal space much closer than he ever had without Wei Ying initiating it first, as far as Wei Ying could recall. "Hi?"

They were nearly chest to chest now, and he could see it when Lan Zhan actually had to tilt his chin up just a bit to meet Wei Ying's eyes.

"Hello," Lan Zhan said, grave and low and very, very focused.

Wei Ying wasn't entirely sure what was happening right now, but he was pretty sure he was into it.

[lazycats-stuff]

you know how you did you did another part of jinx and how he’s adapting to his new home, and we see him becoming more comfortable? Could you do the same idea and concept but with the weapon!reader???

Sure. My baby needs to get more comfortable. This gif is a symbol of (Y/N) fitting in. Batfamily & male!reader, PART 2 - first 2 part

Summary: (Y/N) won't be a weapon anymore.

Warnings: the family is trying to get (Y/N) comfortable, fluff, a little bit of angst,

It wasn't an easy feat to make (Y/N) comfortable. First thing that Bruce needed to do was establish the fact that (Y/N) will always have a choice. First thing he did was give (Y/N) a choice of choosing his own room.

(Y/N) was unsure what to do, because of the past experiences with choosing. He was never given a choice. He got what he got and that was it.

No more or less.

He picked a room at the end of the hall, opening the door. It was a nice spacious room, with his own bathroom.

" Since you don't really have clothes, you will have to borrow from Jason and Dick. We got you a toothbrush, tooth paste. Also, if you need something I am 3 doors down. " Bruce said, smiling softly at the teen.

" Alright. " (Y/N) said, entering the room.

" See you tomorrow then. " Bruce said, closing the door.

(Y/N) stood in his room, just looking. He was afraid to touch anything. Was this really his now? Did he really... Have an opportunity to choose?

He shook his head. He can't get comfortable. He really can't. But first, a shower is in order. He stinks a little bit. When he stepped out of the bathroom, he saw a pile of clothes on the bed. He looked at them.

For a split second he heard his handler's voice. He suppressed it and shook his head. If this is really a new life... He needs to let go. But that's always easier said than done. Everything in him was telling him not to do this, not to stay...

But... What if there was a chance to do leave everything behind? He pushed his hair back, licking his lips.

He will think more tomorrow. Right now, he needs to sleep. He is too tired to think.

Damian was in the garden, watching Titus run around happily letting out some energy. He went inside to replace the water inside Titus' water bowl. He frowned when he heard Titus coming in. He saw him walking from the corner of his eye.

When he got zoomies and when he was in the garden he didn't leave for a long while. He would only come in to sleep and eat. And to cuddle.

But he was always somewhere near Damian. Always.

Damian followed Titus quietly. He was going towards the bedrooms and he entered (Y/N)'s.

Damian rose his brow and he slowly walked over to the bedroom door.

" Hey Titus. " Was all that (Y/N) said, before he sighed. There was a little bit of shuffling and then it was silence. Damian poked his head in and saw something that Grayson would have thought to be adorable.

Titus was laying on (Y/N)'s chest, acting like a heavy blanket. Damian also noticed tear tracks on (Y/N)'s cheeks. (Y/N) froze when he saw Damian. He quickly shushed (Y/N) and raised his hands in defense.

" I was just wondering where Titus went. " Damian said, sitting down on the chair near the desk.

" You are feeling torn. " Damian said, watching (Y/N)'s face.

(Y/N) just nodded sheepishly.

" I know you just came and feel like you can't talk to anybody, but you can with me. Whatever you say to me, it's going to be in between us. " Damian said, watching as Titus shifted a little bit.

" I thought about this situation the first night I was let out of the cell. How... much more... It's not easy to think about it. "

" I know how you feel. I was thinking about the same thing. Although, I was way more rebellious. I didn't know what to think... But in the end, this is the best place to be. "

" You felt the same way? " (Y/N) asked, patting Titus' head.

" I did. Torn between all I knew for the first 10 years of my life and a new permanent environment. "

" How did you get over the dilemma? "

" I just accepted the mix of the two. " Damian said, shrugging his shoulders. " Of course, that doesn't have to work for you. " Damian added, watching as (Y/N)'s eyes got a little bit watery.

" I don't think I can let go. Every time I have tried to, just a little bit, I hear my handler's voice. "

Damian nodded. " If you ever need Titus, you can always take him. But he always has that sense for someone with anxiety so he will always go to you. " Damian said, petting Titus.

" Thanks Damian. "

Jason got back from patrol and he was desperate for a smoke. And if he was interrupted, may God help anyone who does that. He showered and changed into the more comfortable clothes. Afterwards, he opened the window and got out on the roof.

He was shocked to find that (Y/N) was already there, smoking too. They looked at the each, wondering what to do. Should they just go separate ways?

" We can smoke in silence? " Jason offered. " Trust me, I need it after the patrole and I don't want anybody to see me. " Jason said, seating next to (Y/N).

" Fine by me. " (Y/N) said, taking an another drag.

They did just that. Silence was prominent and they were just enjoying a good smoke. Jason because patrol was awful and full of shit, (Y/N) because of the thoughts going through his mind.

" Soooo... How are you settling in? " Jason asked, just to fill in the silence.

" It's going slowly. "

" You are feeling torn. " Jason said, taking a drag. He let the smoke out as he watched (Y/N).

" How do you know? " (Y/N) asked, taking a second cigarette.

" I can see it. And you are almost like Damian, but Damian was way more combative and rebellious. He tried to escape the manor multiple times. You are an angel compared to him. " Jason said, chuckling at the attempts.

" Is that why there are defenses? " (Y/N) asked, tilting his head.

" Yes and no. It's against burglars and other more trained people. You know, Bruce has a lot of enemies as a CEO and you know. " Jason said, waving his hands around.

" Huh. Why can I see that? " (Y/N) said, looking off into the distance.

" It's because you met Damian more thoroughly. Because of that you can see it. " Jason explained, leaning back down on the roof.

" He can be nice. " (Y/N) said, huffing out the smoke.

" When he is sleeping maybe. " Jason said, laughing quietly. " You two can bond over the fact of being trained as weapons. And trauma you two share. " Jason said, finishing his cigarette.

" Trauma bonding. " (Y/N) said dryly, also finishing up his cigarette. " Can I ask you something? " (Y/N) started. He thought about asking this for a while now, but he has never gathered any courage until now.

" Sure. What's up? "

" I am kind of tired of being couped up in here. I was wondering if... Bruce said anything about me going on patrol? " (Y/N) finished, looking straight ahead.

" He really didn't say anything... Don't worry, he has it in mind. He just wants to make sure you settle here. " Jason said, moving to the window. It was getting cold.

" He wants to make sure that you are in the right mindset. Patrol is important to him and he doesn't want you to be distracted. " Jason explained moving inside.

(Y/N) looked at the place where Jason was sitting down just moments before. Maybe. Just maybe.

Tim sighed as he was trying to find Black Mask. He was a slippery little shit who was keeping a low profile. Tim sighed quietly, rubbing his eyes. Tim turned his head to see (Y/N) coming into the cave. Tim liked (Y/N).

" Black Mask? " (Y/N) asked, moving closer to big computer. He had a general idea who that man is and what he does. But he wasn't different than the targets that (Y/N) was killing.

" Yup. I can't track him down for the life of me. " Tim said, leaning back. " How would you do it? " Tim asked, ready to get some help.

" Well, I would look for his second in command and torture him until he gives me the info. Of course, I would make sure that it's all incognito and what not. I assume you are not allowed to torture? " (Y/N) asked, making Tim nod.

" Well, we can't find his second in command either. " Tim explained.

(Y/N) looked at the screen, making him wonder. How would he approach this?

" Then look for his lieutenants. They are always in contact with the second in command. " (Y/N) said. " And if that doesn't work, then you have to look at the safe houses. Black Mask is in the city. " (Y/N) said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

" I hate him. " Tim declared making (Y/N) chuckle quietly. He wasn't the only one.

Dick was happy about this. It was the time where the family could have a movie night and they could be together to bond as a family. More so, (Y/N) could get more comfortable and that was a priority.

To absolutely everyone.

Dick went upstairs and basically dragged (Y/N) down. (Y/N), of course, allowed it. To Dick, that was a sign that (Y/N) got more comfortable.

(Y/N) was made to sit down on the couch, then covered with a blanket.

" What is happening? " (Y/N) asked, clearly confused.

" A movie night! Tonight, it's going to be Harry Potter movies. " Dick said, clearly excited.

" Harry Potter? "

Everyone stopped and looked at (Y/N). Bruce tried not to feel sad and tried to ignore that feeling that feeling in his heart. What the hell?

" Okay, so let me give you a brief summary. " Dick said, quickly giving (Y/N) a quick summary.

Everyone glanced at each other. They were going to give (Y/N) a brand new childhood. Starting with Harry Potter movies.

[lover-of-mine]

I'm gonna start this off by saying that this has been ping-ponging around my head like that old dvd screensaver, quicking around and getting more unhinged every time it hit a corner since April. And while this is a meta on the cemetery scene in Death and Taxes, I will be going back and forth in the whole show, so I don't know, buckle up, grab your delusional juice, and come with me if you feel like it.

First thing about that scene is that it tries to make you think about the equine therapy conversation in Dumb Luck.

They are in a location we have never seen before and probably will never see again, the outfits are similar, and even the circumstances of the conversation could be read as close to each other, considering Eddie wasn't doing well after almost dying, Buck is definitely not handling his death well. I made a way too detailed meta about the cinematography of buddie during Eddie's breakdown era (you can read it if you want more details) but the main thing about the dumb luck conversation is that Eddie is finally letting Buck in after continuously shutting him down when he tried to offer help and that's reflected on the way they filmed the scene, the way they are talking, moving, positioned in the frame. It's about Buck reminding Eddie that there's hope after all. Considering the moment Buck's in, with them alluding to that conversation, you would've expected for them to do a similar thing with Buck, right? That this scene going to give Buck the same type of peace the equine therapy talk gave Eddie.

But it doesn't. One thing that's kind of a pattern with Buck, Eddie, and Eddie reassuring Buck (if you could call 2 scenes a pattern) is that they have Buck looking up at Eddie (I also talked about this in more detail here if you're interested) but that's interesting because of Buck's height, he's the tallest person in the room, so he's not usually looking up at people, but something about Buck as character is that he has the tendency to sit in higher places, so he's always higher, and he even picked a place where he can sleep in a high spot.

But when he's getting reassurance from other people in his life, they are both usually sitting down, at the same eye level.

But when he goes to Eddie for reassurance, Eddie is standing up and Buck is sitting down, so Buck is literally looking up at Eddie when he goes to Eddie for advice. And Eddie is always focused on Buck, in Home and Away, Eddie is reasoning with him, and in Recovery Eddie is trying to give Buck what Buck is asking while not pushing his boundaries.

Why is that relevant here? Well, Buck spends the whole conversation in the cemetery trying to get Eddie to look at him and Eddie spends most of the conversation looking forward so he won't have to.

And that alone is very interesting because Eddie is always looking at Buck. I could legit put 100 screenshots here to prove it. So the fact that Eddie can't look at Buck here, means something. Because Buck wants Eddie to be on his side, he needs Eddie to tell him he's doing the right thing, but the way he's talking is making Eddie shut down.

Buck wants answers, right? He wants the easy way out. He died, he has feelings about it he doesn't want to deal with, so he's looking for whatever answers he can get so he won't have to. But the way he's talking sounds a lot like the way Eddie talks to him in Kids Today when he drops Christopher off with him before the tsunami. Very you're alive, get over it thing Eddie had going that ended with him literally destroying everything he had. So, like, we know that's not the way to go about near-death experiences, it doesn't end well because the pressure has to go somewhere and let's face it, Buck has never dealt with anything that happened to him ever. He can't just keep moving past the shit he's been through, at some point, that's gonna catch up to him.

But the thing about the actual content of the conversation is the way that Eddie tries to do the thing he usually does, reason with Buck, "been down that road, don't recommend it" or "or you don't know her the way he does" or "now am I allowed to ask how you are", because it's how they work, but Buck shuts him down with the "I feel like she sees me, like she really sees me for who I am" because that threw Eddie off balance in their relationship, in their friendship really, considering they way they showed us buddie from in a flash to mixed feelings, Eddie is trying his best to be someone Buck relies on, the way we've seen him rely on Buck through his trauma recovery. And one thing we see Eddie constantly do is back away so he won't get hurt once things get too intense. He puts space between him and whatever is bothering him, he ran to LA to escape his parents' judgment (and to be closer to Shannon but his parents played a part there), he kept Shannon at arm's length through most of the time she was back in his life before she died, he kept pushing Buck away after the lawsuit, he pushes everyone away really before his PTSD took him down. Dude retreats from the fight if he's not sure and Buck throws him off balance. Because up until this moment, Eddie thinks he's helping, but we see him realize he was wrong and shut down in real time.

He's still trying, but his thing now is agreeing with Buck. This gif has 11 seconds, black and white because I wanted the whole thing in one gif, but Buck is trying to get a reaction out of him, but Eddie already moved to a whatever you say buddy mode. AND EDDIE JUST WON'T LOOK AT BUCK.

So Buck wants to know if he's doing the right thing, Eddie is agreeing with him not because he agrees with him but because now he thinks that whatever he's doing is not helping so putting distance between them will be what's best because Buck is getting what he needs somewhere else so he needs to minimize the damage to himself.

And the distance thing is something that stays until the end of the season, because during the first half of 6B, they are together the whole time, mixed feelings being obviously the biggest example, but they made a point of highlighting the fact that they were very close outside the firehouse, just to stop. They were chilling at Buck's loft, they were out and about scheming the fire captain, Buck looked more comfortable at Eddie's than he did in his own place. But then we don't even see them together in the hospital after the bridge. Like, there's s p a c e now.

And I spent a really long time trying to figure out what was going on with this scene that made such an impression on me, and it's that Buck doesn't sound like someone who believes in what they're saying, he sounds like someone who's justifying themselves and hoping they are doing the right thing. And Eddie doesn't really let him get away with this line of thought, not usually, but he does now, so they leave that conversation with different impressions of how it went. Buck thinks he's right and Eddie is just backing the fuck off.

And a while back it downed on me what other scene this made me think of. And that's the fountain scene in merry ex-mas.

They are even shot in a similar way, the off-center wide angle, the close-up from a side angle where you can see the other one slightly blurry, the focus of the conversation angled toward the front of the frame, everything happening in an outside location we will never probably see again, the way they are not looking at each other. And the conversation is similar too, I mean, sure they are not talking about dying but it is a big decision in Eddie's life that sounds like Eddie is justifying himself and needs Buck to agree with him. And Buck is agreeing with him, and not talking about it even though we KNOW he has opinions because he kept trying to talk about it with Chimney because Buck doesn't think it's his place to have an opinion and offer it to Eddie. Both scenes sound like they are talking and understanding each other but what the scene is showing us is that they are not.

And something about the way they are pretty much never looking at each other is that it is a way to show they are not seeing eye to eye in a situation, the most extreme example I can think of it is when Eddie drags Buck out of bed in Kids Today because they are pretty much never looking at each other there.

But to have them face the same direction is a really easy way to make you feel like something is wrong, especially if they are not moving, because if they are standing in the same spot for 3 minutes they could've turned to face each other, but they don't, because the message here is that they are not really seeing each other. And that in a conversation where Buck is talking about being seen by someone else????? Like, come on, that's so on purpose.

I also wanna add a take that's not mine, all credit to @anxieteandbiscuits for putting this particular thought in my head with this post, that's basically about how the "dating someone you rescued? that never ends well" line might also be another justification for why Eddie chooses to stay quiet. Because one thing is true, and that is that buddie do be rescuing each other. And it really sounds like something Eddie would do, to justify to himself not doing something that could make him lose Buck any way he could, because romantic relationships are very unstable, no matter how much you want it to work, how much you love each other, there's a very real level of unpredictability in a romantic relationship that doesn't exist in their friendship. So to imagine him going "the friendship is good, the friendship is what I need, I won't do anything to change that because I don't have to and it probably wouldn't end well with our track record anyway" makes a lot of sense too.

If you made it to here, I love you <3

I have more metas here if you feel like reading more of my brand of insanity.

[championashley]

Alright. I said I would write this and I’m gonna stay true to my word.

I’ve been seeing a lot of takes since The Giggle has come out questioning the potency of 14’s ending. People have been citing multiple different times during the reboot era where the Doctor has “settled down” somewhere, from Darillium, the university in S10, to even Trenzalore. However, I think all of these comparisons are apples to oranges, completely missing the details of each instance and how The Giggle’s ending rebukes all of them. 

So, because I cannot leave an inaccurate take alone, I’m going through every single one of these instances and explain why 14’s ending is different from them, in chronological order.

I’m gonna start with a weird one: S7EP4, The Power of Three. Because it provides a good example of all the things we’re going to be talking about. 

Prior to this episode, long time fans already had a good idea that the Doctor…does not do well in monotonous environments, a truth that is consistent across multiple incarnations.

“I don’t do families.”

“Street corner, two in the morning, getting a taxi home. I’ve never had a life like that.”

“Here you are, Living a life, day after day. The one adventure I could never have.”

“Christmas dinner.” “I don’t do that sort of thing.”

“Oh god I had a terrible nightmare about you two!” [Talking about Amy and Rory having a normal life in Leadworth]

The entirety of The Lodger

“There’s a bigger, scarier adventure waiting for you in there.”

The Power of Three, spells this truth out in bold, montage style marker pen. The Doctor “needs to be busy”. Why, as Amy later asks?

Personally I think this answer varies slightly between regenerations, based on experiences and losses each face goes through. 9 couldn’t imagine a life of peace coming out of a war, a war that he had a major hand in. 10 continues that idea, with the added baggage of losing Rose. 11’s reasoning is a bit subtler: he says to Amy that he is running to things before they go, as if he now understands how short beautiful things last. He’s going from one thing to the next in avoidance of staying to watch things die. 

“And what’s the alternative? Me standing over your grave?”

This doesn’t change by the end of the episode. The Doctor explicitly tells the Ponds that he’s only staying to watch the cubes, and once the threat is gone, he’s already out the door. He only stops because of a potential threat, an idea we will return to in the next example. He even accepts the idea of Amy and Rory wanting to stay behind: “things to do. Worlds to save. Swings to swing on. Look, I know. You both have lives here. beautiful, messy lives. That is what makes you so fabulously human. You don’t want to give them up. I understand.” The Doctor is saying, ‘I know you have lives here, and that I can’t always be a part of that. And that’s ok.’ 

This episode in my opinion is a perfect microcosm of The Doctor regarding this topic, spelling out explicitly why The Doctor can't ever settle down. The Doctor needs to have something to run to because they don't feel secure enough in any place to not allow their altruism outweigh their need to process their trauma. The only thing that could motivate the Doctor to stop, even just for a second, is the promise that their friend(s) will be there too. The next example is the worst-case scenario of this issue.

Trenzalore is an interesting case. When I first heard of it being counted, I immediately shut it down, because Trenzalore was a literal war zone (wars are obviously not a good place for mental health time). But in doing research, there is actually way more baggage contained in this period making it unsuitable for this argument than just that fact. 

Trenzalore was set up to be the Doctor’s final resting place, where they would truly die. It wasn’t the first time a death prophecy had surrounded the Time Lord, and once again, just as with The End of Time, the thing that kills them is, what Davros would later call The Doctor's “greatest indulgence”: compassion. Tasha Leem warns 11 that she will burn the planet upon the possibility of the Time Lords returning, a warning the Doctor takes extremely seriously.

“This planet is protected.”

“Christmas has a new sheriff.”

For 300 years, 11 stayed true to his word. He fought long and hard, for the townspeople and his own. He was celebrated and was loved. But Clara returning with the TARDIS revealed how he really felt about all of it. 

“Everyone gets stuck somewhere eventually.”

“But you didn’t have your TARDIS.” “Well, that made it easier to stay.” 

There’s an unspoken sentiment in these words, echoing 11's philosophy in Power of Three: the Doctor will always want to leave, in this case, to understandably avoid his prophesied death. But he doesn’t, because “Every life I save is a victory”. Their compulsion to help, their innate capacity to help those in need. So often it’s been their greatest strength, but here it’s framed as destructive selflessness. 11 has become so wholly committed to helping others before himself that he’s willing to accept his own death. 

Clara correctly calls this out: “What about your life? Just for once, After all this time, have you not earned the right to think about that?” The Doctor didn’t stay on Trenzalore for himself, he stayed for everyone besides himself. It’s only because Clara gave the Time Lords a proper verbal smackdown that the Doctor managed to survive. Had they not intervened, The Doctor would've suffered and died, once again to protect them, despite already saving them from annihilation in the previous episode, Day of The Doctor. Trenzalore wasn't The Doctor stopping, it was a century-long effort to keep satiating the bottomless survivor's guilt they still carried from The Time War.

Darillium is yet another case of looking like a time the Doctor settled down somewhere on the surface. But the details don’t match that conclusion. The entire thesis of 12 and River’s final conversation was about the fleeting nature of their situation. 

“Times end, River, because they have to. Because there’s no such thing as happily ever after. It’s just a lie we tell ourselves because the truth is so hard.”

The Doctor says this, cries at hearing the Singing Towers, despite already knowing they have 24 years in a night. Because he knows it can’t last. There’s already a deadline on their moment of peace before it’s begun. Eventually River must go to The Library. 

The final quote of the episode punctuates this: “And they lived happily ever after.” Fading away until “happily” remains. Because they didn’t have their “ever after” and they didn’t “live”, because a person can’t entirely experience life to the fullest with a clock hanging over their head. 

While they got their moment of happiness, it was only a moment. 24 years is just a blink of an eye for a Time Lord, and sure enough, we see by the end of “The Return of Doctor Mysterio”, the next chronological episode, 12 is ready to leap back into the fray. Still the same overall Doctor he was before.

The University is an extension of this. We find out that the only reason he has stayed is to guard Missy in the vault. When 12 tries to mindwipe Bill (an eerie parallel to both Donna and Clara), he directly says: “I have no choice, I’m in disguise. I have promises to keep.” Just like with Trenzalore, The Doctor’s altruism has trapped him somewhere he doesn’t actually want to be. The second he hesitates, he immediately runs after Bill, inviting her into the TARDIS and sneaks off to the universe behind Nardole’s back.

So, now that we’ve gone through each past instance, what’s the connection? What’s the key issue(s) that prevented the Doctor from permanently stopping in any of these cases?

The (fear of) loss of their friends, and the Doctor’s own self-loathing. Either out of fear of the march of time, or the chains that their altruistic nature binds them to, The Doctor always runs away from the picket fence life.

Now, let’s look at 14 and how this ending departs from all other examples.

Wild Blue Yonder and The Giggle more prominently explains 14’s origins as a coping mechanism. The reason why 10’s face came back was to retreat to an incarnation that didn’t invoke the loss of The Ponds, Clara, and Bill. The second destruction of Gallifrey and the reveal of The Timeless Child. The Doctor’s avoidance of their trauma has now been made physical, just like how mental stress can often manifest as physical changes or ailments. 

“We stand here now, on the edge of creation, a creation that I devastated, so yes I keep running, of course I keep running!! How am I supposed to look back on that?!”

Already this is a departure from the instances we’ve discussed, because by the very nature of having 10’s face again, it’s forcing the Doctor to ask why. 

“It’s like I'm trying to tell myself something. Like I’m trying to make a point.”

But 14 chooses not to answer it, because answering it means accepting the truth: it’s too much. The trauma can’t be avoided anymore, because The Doctor would always be reminded of what they’re trying to avoid by looking in a reflection. 14 telling Shirley, “I don’t know who I am anymore.” Then asking Donna, “what am I? What am I now?” It’s not because he’s been given a blank slate and doesn’t know what to do with it, like other regeneration stories. In trying to run away again, to bury the trauma and pain, The Doctor has made it more visible than ever, and doesn’t know what to do with that. 

Ironically, the Toymaker causing the bi-generation was the greatest gift he could’ve given the Doctor, because 15 was exactly who 14 needed to see. He’s happy, energetic, full of life and wonder, but also empathetic, understanding and open. He’s the only other person in the entire universe who The Doctor will listen to (well, one person, we’ll get to the other later), because he knows all of the trauma they went through, and yet, made it through ok.

“But you’re fine.”

“I’m fine, because you fix yourself.”

15 is leading by example, their own ‘ghost of Christmas future’ but positive. 14 now has an ideal self to strive towards, a face born from love and empathy. 14 doesn’t have to ground herself out of moral obligation, 15 will now protect the universe. 

But that leaves one question: why Donna? Out of all of the people to settle down with, why her? That’s easy: because she gets it. 

Donna, out of all of the companions the Doctor traveled with, understood the soul behind the legend, because she recognized someone fundamentally similar to herself. One of Donna’s signature character flaws is her horrendously low self esteem: “I’m nothing special.” no one ever listened to her (thanks Sylvia, for at least cleaning up your act later), so she covered up the silence with noise. She held onto whatever indisputable moments of genius she had to drown out the cacophony of voices shutting her up. Wild Blue Yonder explained this perfectly: Donna believes she is both brilliant and stupid at the same time. 

She lives in two contradictory self images at once, and so does The Doctor. The genius and the idiot. The universe’s most fascinating person, and the person who would easily throw away their life for the betterment of others. She’s seen their blinding arrogance/rage (the Racnoss, Jenny) and their crippling self doubt/loneliness, and always met both with empathy and kindness. 

“Doctor! You can stop now!”

“Cause sometimes I think you need someone to stop you.” 

“It won’t stay like that. She’ll help you. We both will.” 

“Is ‘alright’ special Time Lord code for ‘really not alright’ at all?” “Why?” “Cause I’m alright too.”

Donna shouldered the burden of destroying Pompeii, she silently hugged 10 after coming back from Midnight. All because she knew what all of that would feel like in her own life. She didn’t need to know the history of The Doctor and Davros, because she saw her best friend afraid and knew he would want comfort, because she would too.

Even if Dalek Caan manipulated the timelines to get Donna to him, That friendship was completely real to both of them. We saw what Donna was like without the Doctor in Forest of the Dead and Turn Left, and she always felt some level of unhappiness. 15 years removed from them and she still felt as if something was missing. In every future/reality, she always wanted them there. Same for the Doctor too. Within only a few episodes of losing her, 10 started to fall into becoming the “time lord victorious”. 12 looks the way he does because of Donna’s plea to adhere to his name, and save people. Even before 14 came into existence, the Doctor was willing to tell other people how important she was to them, on account of River recognizing Donna by her name: “you’re Donna, Donna Noble.”

Donna didn’t just travel with the Doctor and she wasn’t just friends with them. She completely understood them, their soulmate. Two halves of a greater whole, The DoctorDonna. 14 stayed because there was a more stable incarnation to take his place, and because his best friend would be there alongside him, helping and supporting him through and through. The Doctor stayed because, for the first time in their life, they felt safe. In where they would be staying, and what they would be leaving behind. 

That's why 15 doubling the TARDIS was so significant. In giving 14 her own TARDIS, 15 is allowing his younger self to have what they always removed from the equation: free will. The Doctor can still go anywhere they want, which makes them even more motivated to stay and fix themself. 14 can feel safe staying with Donna, Wilf, Mel, Rose, Shaun, and Sylvia because the option to travel is still there.

And the truly amazing part of all of this is that the TARDIS knew it from the beginning. Was it a coincidence that very soon after 13 regenerated into 14, the TARDIS landed close to where Donna and Rose would be shopping? 

“You didn’t always take me where I wanted to go.” “No, but I always took you where you needed to go.”

The TARDIS brought the Doctor home, and this time, they stayed. Because it was a place where they wanted and needed to be. 

[pokemenlovingmen]

Could I request some headcannons of the ScarVi boys with an agender s/o who struggles a lot with dissociation and stuff? Like maybe how they’d comfort them. Preferably it/its and nym/nyms pronouns please. I personally don’t like being seen as super human due to how often I dissociate if that gives any ideas for writing.

Hello~ so sorry for how long this took. Life has been. A lot. I don't know how much use of pronouns I'll have since I generally write in the second person but I'll do my best! I also have issues with dissociation, but not a lot, so I hope I represent things as best as I can for you. I know everyone's dissocciation manifests differently as well as what helps, some folks need to be put into a lot of activity while others need isolation for a bit, at least from my experience, so I just want to represent all I can. :)

Also if I left anyone out you were looking for please let me know! There's a lotta guys so I left out a few, you said "boys" so I went with the academy guys.

ScarVio Boys x Agender S/O Who Dissocciates!

Arven

🥪 - Arven is definitely a little confused when you first dissocciate around him. First he's worried it's something he did. Then he's worried you're sick or something. So he doesn't handle it super well the first time it happens. But once he realizes what's going on he falls into a rhythm.

🥪 - He's always incredibly communicative but tries to keep himself from grilling you with questions. He handles things with a fair bit of caution as he gradually gets a feel of what dissocciating looks like for you and what you need.

🥪 - Arven always has your back when it comes to your needs. He makes sure you're well-fed and hydrated. If you can't bring yourself to cook for yourself, of course he's going to be doing it for you. (And speaking from personal experience god wouldn't that be the best)

🥪 - Mabosstiff is always hanging out with you too. Sometimes Arven will help guide your hands through the Pokemon's long, coarse fur as a grounding device. Or if you need a lot of sensory input to help, he can also totally just let Mabosstiff jump on you and lick you half to death.

🥪 - He gets restless when there's not something he can do for you at all times and he needs to take time to learn sometimes the best thing he can do to help is just sit with you in silence. Though, occasionally, he'll ask if you'd feel better if he talks. He'd talk for hours if it meant helping bring you down to Earth.

Giacomo

🔈 - Music is one of the best grounding tools and you can bet your ass Giacomo is using every last bit of his musical knowledge and gear to help you.

🔈 - He gets you your own pair of custom headphones, whatever kind you want, one of those types that have noise cancelling you can switch on and off if you're dissocciating for reasons of being overwhelmed.

🔈 - He puts together all the very playlists of all your favorite songs, organized by vibe ofc.

🔈 - And if you need it he'd be happy to share an earbud with you if you need the one-on-one connection of listening to music together.

🔈 - If you're in a public space he's also very swift and on the spot with getting you somewhere calm to decompress.

🔈 - He doesn't really have many words for you, but he'll squeeze your hand and remind you with gentle touches that you're here, and so is he.

Atticus

🧵 - If talking helps guide you through dissocciation, he's probably the one for you. You ask, and he'll just sit next to you and wax poetry for hours. It can help if you're someone who just needs words or conversation, it doesn't matter what the content is.

🧵 - If what you need is a quiet place to come back down to earth he'll whisk you to the very best right away. He has some good spots he finds ideal for meditation that he finds would be ideal.

🧵 - Atticus has lots of little one-on-one activities he offers to do with you. He'll paint your nails, let you try things on or model for him, even just hold up a sleeve of one of his current projects for him to stitch.

🧵 - Or if you need him to just sit next to you in silence, he can do that too. Or if you need him completely gone he'll leave you alone for as long as you need. I think Atticus understands better than most what you might need and to be patient with you, and he never takes your distance personally if it needs to happen.

🧵 - He can also put together some kind of garment like a sweater or hoodie that's sensory-friendly and he will take every last one in your preferences into account. Colors, weight, length, especially material, if you ever make a request expect it to be followed to a T.

🧵 - No matter what it is, if there's one thing you can be sure of it's that Atticus will be patient.

[honeygrahambitch]

I do have a thing for paternal Will tonight, I know but bear with me for this one.

Will is married since before season 1, it doesn't matter who she is, she dies after the kid turns two. Somewhere around the time Will is freed from the hospital. Great, his wife dies and he is left with a child to raise on his own.

Hannibal wouldn't take this kid away from him. He just can't. He sees them together and he realizes that this is something he cannot interfere with. However what he can do to still be present in Will life is to help him raise the kid.

Will is pretty spiteful after he leaves the hospital, and very much petty especially to Hannibal. Now add the sleepless nights and constant stress and overthinking of being a single father. His brain is full time thinking about his own demons coming to surface, being a good father and doing something about Hannibal (trapping him? Tho this slowly changes).

He genuinely enjoys playing with his kid and reading him stories or walking with him in the forest and teaching him about leaves and bugs and animals and especially about fish.

However, after the first weeks of being a single parent, Will wants is to take a 3 hour nap. Nothing more. It would be a luxury considering he has to cook and he has to watch his kid constantly.

He vents about it during one of his therapy sessions. He vents about being tired and feeling incapable of being a good parent. The heavy bags under his eyes reflect his feelings.

That's when Hannibal offers to watch his kid for a few hours so he can get some sleep. Will refuses, he can't trust Hannibal with a toddler. He has no experience. He is dangerous.

Hannibal tells him that a few hours should not be a problem. And he can cook too, Will doesn't have to worry. He promises he doesn't eat children and especially something that was conceived by Will. Will is skeptical but in the end he gives in. He needs some sleep if he wants to be able to work and be a good father.

He drops his kid at Hannibal's place and goes to sleep. What he did not expect was that his 3 hour nap turned into an 8 hour nap. It's almost midnight when he drives to Baltimore. He is desperate. Hannibal doesn't even pick up his phone.

When he starts knocking at his door he is debating breaking it down whatsoever. He regrets every choice he had ever taken. When Hannibal opens the door and Will wants to start talking, Hannibal covers his mouth instantly and gestures to him to be quiet.

"He fell asleep a while ago." Hannibal whispers. "Turned my phone off so he wouldn't wake up. Didn't expect that he would want three bedtime stories. But he said you always tell him three stories. I could not disappoint."

"I don't tell him three stories" Will whispers amused, now that he knows his kid is safe.

"At least we know he got your manipulation skills, then." Hannibal replies as he walks with Will to the living room where his toddler is sleeping soundly, wrapped in a blanket.

"We had dinner. And I also cooked for you for tomorrow."

"You shouldn't have." Will says as guilt starts creeping up on him. "I abused of your free time. I couldn't wake up." He explains as they walk into the kitchen.

"Will, you needed the sleep and I can assure you, my time was not abused off. Your kid is special."

"That's what all parents want to hear." Will says and laughs. "Does the fact that a psychiatrist says that make it a bad thing?"

"Being special? No. He must take it from his father."

"Oh, please, hopefully he doesn't."

"I disagree. Don't forget it's a matter of genes and environment. And they don't look too bad."

"Yeah, his dead has serial killer tendencies and his babysitter is a serial killer who cooks people as a hobby. We nailed the environment part, Hannibal."

They both laugh.

From then on Will is more open towards letting Hannibal babysit his kid. They are almost like a little family. Not only is it convenient for Will's time management but his kid also loves spending time with Hannibal.

Will finally reaches a certain sense of stability he has long waited for.

[ineffabildaddy]

Hi sam! since the new year is approaching rapidly, i wanted to ask my favorite creators (that includes you! your fics and your posts delight me) how they look back on their 2023 tumblr year and which blogs made them happy to be here. i am very happy to follow you and hope you'll have a great 2024! 💘

hi!!! thank you so so much for this, a few months ago i couldn't even imagine being so active in the tumblr community again, let alone anyone's favourite anything!!!!

i've been very fortunate to receive the warmest of welcomes back to tumblr after a 7-year absence, and i've received so much support for my writing (and my shitposts lol) that this whole experience of finally joining the good omens fandom has genuinely given me a newfound confidence in my creative self, and in myself as a whole💙

in terms of the blogs that make me happy to be here... they are many!!! i shall put the rest of this post under the cut

@raining-stars-somewhere-else thank you for being my first go friend and now one of my closest buddies!!! i can't wait for us to finally write that fic together (lol) and for us to get up to some irl london shenanigans at some point✨ ur hilarious and kind and so correct about literally everything and i love u. literally everyone needs to read ur posts bc they're so well-thought out and unique. also your fics are really moving and human (even though they're about crowley and aziraphalekldfjgjl) and i adore them

@sad-chaos-goblin we literally just Get Each Other, same brain and all, and i absolutely love it!!! i couldn't ask for a better horny consultant bc after all it is Our Pornography™. you're also just an extremely understanding, open and lovely person, not to mention very fun and exciting to be friends with hehe. ur headcanons are so fucking interesting (and sometimes sad, how dare u do this to me) and i'm looking forward to hearing more when u eventually get round to writing all those fics you've got ideas for<3

@foolishlovers i'm really really happy we've got to know each other better over the past couple weeks!!!!! your xmas fic is one of my absolute favourite fics ever and i'm in awe with your skill and craft, i hope to write something as well-rounded and enjoyable as that someday<3 also you're one of my favourite posters, so fucking funny and u just make points left right and centre. i hope we can share our writing and our thoughts about life in general more in 2024!!!

@crowleyslvt i'm very happy i barged my way into your dms to be horny on main bc i definitely wouldn't've explored half the things i've explored in my writing if not for our discussions and your encouragement!!! i absolutely love talking writing and sexy headcanons with you, but above that i love that i'm now mates with such a talented, considerate, hilarious kiwi lad. i am honoured to be one of the little guys in ur phone who gets to hype up u as an exceedingly great porn writer but also as a legend in general

@voluptatiscausa no one understands my feralness for michael sheen like you do. i can go batshit insane in the dms over ms and dt with u and that space is important to me dlgkljdgldfjgl. i'm really glad i started reading ur writing this year bc it's very enjoyable, but it's also healing for me as a person who's [whispers] a traumatised and cripplingly shy person in terms of sex lmao. thank you for bestowing it upon ao3, and by extension, upon me!!!! also tho, you're a really nurturing and interesting friend to have, not to mention a Very Cool one so continue to be that pls and thanks

@bowtiepastabitch i've felt very honoured to hear about parts of your life as you share them with me - Knowing The Lore is so important to me and i'm humbled that you've trusted me with some of the stuff that's been happening in your world<3 on another note, your fanart may be quick but it's never shitty, it's always so expressive and fun and gets my brain Thinking Thoughts. i can't express how wonderful it was when you made a wee bit of fanart for one of my fics, and i hope i continue to see ur creativity shine✨

thank you to my favourite blogs for Existing Throughout 2023 (some of whom i know i can call friends, and the rest of whom i'd like to call friends in the future!!!) @sabotage-on-mercury @crowleys-bentley-and-plants @ineffableigh @celestialcrowley @queer-reader-07 @crowleyraejepsens @teddybearbutchh @crowleyholmes @ineffable-rohese @createserenity @quoththemaiden @procrastiel @sentientsky @genderqueer-hippie @beelzzzebub @lineffability @fellshish @greenthena @brainwormcity @opscuritas @tangerine-ginger @iammyownproblematicfave @crikey01 @crawley-fell @vroomvroomwee @bildads-shoes @shoemakerobstetrician @romansmartini @wraithee

i know i'll have forgotten people so i'll add em as i remember em hehehehe

[railingsofsorrow]

Somewhere Underlined

summary: jennifer jareau would be the death of you someday, you know that and you'd probably let her. surprisingly, you weren't aware that you caused that same reaction on her, too. 

pairing: jj jareau x fem!queer!reader 

w.c: 4.8K

warnings/content: lots of yearning and miscommunication; angst (wouldn't be me without any angst); flirting; fear of rejection; this is not a coming out fic but it discusses the topic; description about impulsive actions & consent & acceptance; foul language at some point; murder is briefly mentioned; mentions of bad experiences regarding relationships; friendly banter; an argument; fluff; making out. 

A/N: this is my entry for @the-guilty-writer pride fic challenge! I didn't chose an specific prompt. I've had this idea for a long time and when I saw this challenge I thought “oh, that's how this is going to go.” hopefully, you'll like it <3 and happy pride month!!!!

─────────────────────────────────── 

“I think I'm in love with her.”  

You don't go around revealing your life to the first person you see. That's just not you. But have you ever been through one of those moments where your mind trails back to that person and all you can see it's her eyes, her smile, the scrunch of her nose when she's concentrated and the tilt of her head when she's confused about something?  

And then, it slips out. Your heart speaks for itself, you can't control it.  

“Huh?” Penelope queried, drifting her attention back to you. She has been ogling some blonde dude since the moment you came into the bar. You didn't understand the appeal. He was just an average white probably tasteless man. Penelope could do so much better, but that was none of your business.  

You were ogling someone else as well, so. Hypocrite.  

“Wait—what?” The blonde gripped your arm, eyes widening behind her glasses as if a realization has come to her. “Who are you in love with?” 

Oh, she heard that? Somehow you thought it could have been muffled by the loud music.  

You know some order thing that could be muffled? JJ and her stupid flirting with that stupid guy beside you. God, if she giggled one more time you'd break your beer bottle in your head.  

You wondered what would Penelope think in case she knew who you were talking about. You've received a lot of looks because of your sexual orientation over the years and it's long gone that part of you that cared so much about what people thought of you. You were a grown woman, successful in your field and you didn't depend on anyone to survive. Especially prejudiced people. But those people in the bar, they weren't just people. They have become your family. You couldn't stop thinking if they would treat you differently if they knew you weren't straight.  

“Baby girl and princess!” You step out of your inner turmoil to acknowledge a very drunk Derek Morgan. Both of his arms around yours and Garcia's shoulders. He was the touchy kind of drunk. You didn't complain and you knew by your friend's wicked grin that she wouldn't either. “Now what are you doing here moping around? There's a dance floor with plenty of space over there.” 

“Oh, I can see that. Are you taking us there then?” 

“I'd be more than happy too.” 

Before Penelope could drag you out, you clicked your tongue under the roof of your mouth.  

“Sorry, not tonight. My legs are killing me.” 

Derek chuckled, shaking his head in disapproval. “Because of when we jogged after the unsub?” 

Grabbing a shot of tequila and promptly throwing your head back, you straighten your back while staring back at him, a scowl present in your features.  

“You call that jogging? I'm not a gym rat like you, Morgan.” 

“I can see that, we need to change that!” 

“Uh-huh,” you push his shoulder playfully. “Convince Spencer first and we can all wake up at five a.m together to run around the Headquarters.” 

Derek yelled through the music about always getting what he wanted in the end and he wouldn't give up before Garcia whisked him away to the dance floor and they disappeared from your sight.  

A smile lingered on your lips until you realized the golden strands almost touching your arm and your mood went sour again. Thankfully or not, you could no longer hear the flirting, maybe the alcohol was being effective and numbing your eardrums. 

“A pretty face like that cannot carry anything but a smile.”  

Really, someone was about to get punched tonight and you wouldn't be responsible for your choices. What would it take for you to be alone and sad for a few minutes— “Oh,” you blinked at Emily, shoulders sagging in relief. “It's you.” 

You saw her grin through the glass she was sipping on. “Don't act so excited.” 

“It's not that.” You rolled your eyes. “I thought it was another asshole trying to get my number. I'm so done with men tonight.” 

“Hey,” she raised her glass, mentioning your beer. As you did, you clicked them together. “Preach. We should kill all of them.” 

You leaned on her arm, face splitting into a shit-eating grin. Yes, the alcohol was finally in your system. “Such a good idea I could kiss you for it.”  

There was some cheering going around and when you looked back at the dance floor, Penelope was the center of attention. Hotch and Rossi looked like they were having the time of their lives watching the scene, while Blake cheered her on just as strongly as everyone else.  

Sometimes, you wished you had Penelope's confidence. She'd walk into the room with colorful clothes and heels decorated by herself and she'd own it. That was your best friend. Spontaneous, strong and one of the best people you knew.  

If you had half of that confidence you might have confessed your stupid feelings for the woman you were head over heels for. You had to watch her flirt with someone else right in front of you as if it didn't make your heart break because you wanted it to be you instead. 

“Kiss me then.”  

Spinning around to stare at Emily, you blinked confused. “Uh?” 

“You said you'd kiss me,” Emily tilted her head, her dark strands slipping out from behind her ear and covering half of her face. “Do it then.” Her tone had a tinge of playfulness but even in your inebriated state, you saw the truth between the lines.  

You'd never thought of Emily as more than someone you could share everything with. She's been your friend since you entered the Bureau, shy and isolated, she helped you get out of your shell and admit your true persona. She knew everything about you, even more than Penelope, your best friend. Being Queer was something that Emily had a lot to say about and it brought you two closer. To both of you, it was nice to speak without stepping on eggshells, fearing you'd be looked at differently by your friends. 

You were aware she's beautiful. Of course you were, you're not blind. Emily Prentiss was powerful and she radiated grace wherever she walked. That's just something you never... thought about. You never thought that boundary could be crossed. 

Until now. 

“Do you really want me to?” You asked, glancing down at her shiny lips. Another thing you knew about Emily, she hates lipstick, her go-to choice would always be plain chapstick or lipgloss.  

Emily brushed a strand of hair behind your shoulder, leaning forward. Your nose barely touching. “I wouldn't mention it if I didn't want it.” You smiled at that, just as you were about to close the gap between you and say fuck it for everything and everyone else that was in your head, a hand on your shoulder pulled your back, slightly startling you.  

Emily blinks dazed at someone behind you, her face twitching in confusion.  

But JJ says your name and you freeze, “A word, please?”  

She walks away and you are conflicted on whether you should follow like a kicked puppy or stay with Emily and carry on with... Who are you kidding? This is Jennifer you're talking about. Is there any moment you've ever said no to her?  

This is pathetic — you think, stumbling into people as you walked to the exit where you presumed JJ was going. She had vanished a minute ago and there were so many people you couldn't see where she went. 

You're pathetic. She just interrupted your kiss with a pretty girl and you're following after her like a starved stray dog—unless. Unless something happened and she needed you. 

“Jen,” you said carefully, finally outside the bar where she awaited you. You couldn't see her face because she had her back facing you. “Hey, you okay? Did something—” 

“What was that?” She cut you off. As she wiped around to face you, you saw her flared cheeks. That could only mean two things: angry or drunk. She looked fine for someone drunk, different from you who was almost floating at your feet. She said your name again, this time more calculated. “You and Emily? When did that happen?” 

A laugh of astonishment left your lips. Were you hearing it right? “Was that why you called me over here?” you really wanted to be sure before you blurted out something you didn't want.  

JJ scoffed, folding her arms over her chest. That was one of the cutest reactions you find endearing about her, but now it just frustrated you. It frustrated you because you still found her cute despite her irrationality.  

Focus! 

Before you could spar anything back, someone bumped into you causing you to stumble forward, almost falling flat on the sidewalk if familiar arms hadn't held you in place. Her perfume reached you fast than two bottles of beer and five shots of tequila could ever do. The sweet smell of orange blossom made you almost melt in her arms. When you stepped back into reality, you noticed your head was on her shoulder as her whole body shook.  

She was too busy yelling and gesticulating angrily at whoever had bumped into you to realize you were drunk on her perfume.  

“Are you okay? The idiot was too drunk, he almost ran you over— Are you okay?” She repeated, tone softening at the end as she cupped your face and saw your unfocused gaze. “I think we should sit you down.” 

“I'm fine,” you sputtered out, leaning into her touch absentmindedly. Why were her hands better than your pillow? You could sleep right there. 

“Sure, you are.”  

It took you five minutes for you to breathe into a new setting. One you knew too well, the discreet scent of strawberry she'd spray around. That was her car. 

“JJ,” you said, rubbing your eyes tiredly. You should have drank more because you could feel yourself sobering up. “Why did you bring me here? Can't we just talk tomorrow?” 

If you could avoid the inevitable, you'd do it while you could. 

She stayed silent. You huffed out a breath of disbelief when you turned the side and saw her staring straight forward.  

“Okay.” You spat, hand on the door handle. “I'll see you—” 

“Don't leave.” 

“Why not?” Your fist clenched in the handle. “You're acting like a child and I don't even know what I did.” 

Letting out a long sigh, she said, “I'm sorry." 

You hated the way your body reacted to her. Chest searching to cure whatever caused that tinge of sadness in her voice.  

“What happened?” You inquired softly.  

She shifted on the seat, raising both of her hands to pull her strands back.  

“You did.”  

If you hadn't sobered up before, you sure we're sober now.  

“Me?” you croaked out, studying her in what you judged to be nonchalant but it was actually quite desperate. What had you done to make her upset? You barely spoke the entire night.  

In fact, you were trying to take some distance from the blonde for a while. It was the healthiest option you found instead of reciprocating the casual compliments and innocent touching. Because JJ did those things but it was out of friendship. When you did them, you wanted more. You felt more. That had to stop. Once you fell, it was unstoppable. Free falling straight to the rocks. And you'd be the only one banged up in the process due to something you created in your own head.  

But you already fell, didn't you? That's what you blurted out to Penelope an hour ago. You were doomed ever since she said Hi to you in the bullpen on your first roundtable meeting.  

Either way, you took some space. Speaking only the necessary and exchanging point of view during cases. She didn't seem to care so you guess you didn't make a difference in her life. Did it hurt? Yes. But you wouldn't ruin what was left of your friendship.  

“What did I do?” You bit your cheek, afraid she would throw at your face exactly what you were afraid of: she knew about your feelings and she didn't want to be around you anymore. She felt disgusted by you and— 

“You mean what you were about to do.”  

Your hand moved from the handle to your lap as you shifted your whole body to face her. “I— what?” What was she even talking about?  

JJ heaved out a frustrated breath and her gaze finally met yours. It wasn't cold like when she had brought you outside, it was warm, like a volcano about to erupt in lava.  

“God, you don't see it, do you?” Your face caved in confusion. “Why did it have to be Emily? And out of all the places you could do that did it have to be by my side?” 

It was as if her anger had rubbed off on you instantly. 

“What?” You snapped. “You're mad because Emily and I almost kissed by your side?” A humorless laugh escaped you, you didn't even care that she was bothered by what she had seen. You were mad because she interrupted you to screw with your mood. “Oh, I'm sorry, Jennifer. Did I interrupt your trashy flirting with Johnny Depp?” 

Her brows reached her hairline in surprise. She isn't expected you to have any reason to be mad, but apparently, you were. Very much. You never called her Jennifer, it felt so wrong. She almost felt guilty.  

No, she did feel guilty. Immediately after the words escaped her mouth. Why was she making you justify anything? You weren't her girlfriend. You weren't her anything. Just like she wasn't your anything.  

“You really are a hypocrite, you know?” You carried on, jaw clenching. “You've been all over that guy and I had to watch the entire night — when I'm supposed to be having fun — and I'm just— I didn't say anything. Because I have no right to say anything. You can do whatever you want with your life and we're not—” you sucked in a breath, stopping some words from leaving your lips. “—it's not fair, JJ!” 

JJ was speechless, completely taken aback by your garrulous speech. By how you ran out of breath, it looked like you had been bottling up all of that.  

“And you know what? I won't apologize for what you saw. If you're bothered by the fact that I feel attracted to women—” 

“Whoa, wait.” She almost got a neck twist at the insinuation, her whole armor falling. “You think I'm upset because I saw you kiss a girl?” 

“You cockblocked the situation so I didn't get to kiss her—” 

She completely ignored your jab. “This has nothing to do with you.” The look you gave her was enough for her to realize she has just messed up continuously. Really, she called you out here to argue about something that is entirely her issue. It might involve you — it most definitely does, you're the center of it — but it is not your fault. It's hers.  

Jennifer Jareau is a hypocrite. She knows that. 

“I couldn't care less about who you kiss or what your sexual orientation is,” JJ clarified. “I mean, if you ever feel comfortable talking about it— I'm all in for it. But I'm not— that doesn't bother me. That's not what I intended for it to sound like. I'm sorry.”  

Your eyes skim over the features, searching for any sign of lies; the only emotion you were able to find was regret.  

“I had a problem with who you were about to kiss,” she added quietly, munching on her lower lip. A couple crossed the street to reach the bar entrance, they were laughing and holding hands. Diverting her attention down to her hands, she started feeling bad about the situation. Acting like this — angry? That wasn't her. JJ wasn't impulsive nor did she go rough on expressing her feelings. She knew that alright. There's been a lot of times where she wore her heart on her sleeve but none of those times were regarding her love life. She's always been cautious, maybe because in the past, people haven't been cautious with her heart and she had to deal with it by herself. Alone.  

Also, she wasn't sure about her feelings for you. Not until a week ago, when your absence started shadowing her days more and more.  

JJ never fell in love with a woman before. Sure, she's had crushes and was attracted to some but. They weren't you. None of them were you. Somehow, when you came along, her life was flipped upside down. She wondered how could someone question all of their beliefs because of one person? When she met you, the question switched to how could someone not question everything because of one person?  

Oh, but she fell hard. No parachute in sight and she was terrified of heights.  

Between innocent touches on the shoulder, compliments and shared coffees in the morning, and the willpower to just protect you at all costs when you were in the field... something blossomed. And it couldn't have been anyone else.  

That's the reason she was so mad when you and Emily almost... Yes. Not only that but how dare you ignore her for weeks and act as if you weren't doing it?  

Did her absence in your life not mean anything? 

“Did you and Emily fight?” You questioned, brows knitting together. “You looked fine this morning.” 

JJ ran a hand through her face, “No, we didn't fight,” she let out impatiently. 

“Then why—” 

“Because I have feelings for you!” She blurted out. “And I wish it was me. I wish it was me who you were touching and giggling and blushing with, not her.” Okay. What was that thing about not being impulsive? In her defense, she wasn't like this before you barged into her life, so it was all on you. “I wish I was her, to be more specific and to just further bury myself under. I wish it had been me in her place.”  

The softness of her voice revealed how apprehensive she was in saying that. You wanted to pluck out the lines of concern on her forehead, but at the same time, you thought you had gone crazy. You didn't hear JJ saying she wanted to kiss you, did you? Maybe you were still drunk.  

“Are you going to say something?” Her voice was small and you blinked awake.  

“I— I don't—” 

“I'm sorry.” 

Your breath halted.  

“Why?” 

JJ let out a shaky breath, shaking her head with a groan. “Because I just ruined everything.” Before you could protest, she carried on. “I made you think you had done something wrong and it was all me. I shouldn't have said anything, I'm just— I'm sorry—” 

“Did you mean it?” 

“... what?” 

Your eyes traveled through her features, “What you said before.” 

Swallowing hard, she avoided your eyes. “About my feelings? Yes. I wouldn't joke about that.” Something came to her mind and her back straightened slightly. “And also about not being bothered by your sexual orientation,” JJ said. “You're still you and that hasn't changed. It won't change. That would be pretty hypocrite of me, actually.” That last part fell from her lips as a whisper but you could hear it loud and clear. 

You felt your throat closing up. “Really?” you asked, that kid in you that was rejected many times by her parents turned up on the doorstep of your brain. She was still scared. Still looking for acceptance.  

“I love you the way you are, why would it change anything?” 

Your heart stopped beating. Nothing could be heard around you, even though the windows were rolled down and there were few people on the streets, speaking loudly. The bar buzzes with loud music.  

You didn't even know if you remembered how to breathe.  

JJ seemed to be on the same page because she hadn't moved but her eyes were widened in shock. Taken aback by herself. She wasn't remotely drunk to blurt out stuff like that, the opposite actually.  

“JJ—” 

“I'm sorry, I didn't—” 

“JJ,” you said shortly, making her shut up. “Stop,” you ordered even if she had already. The air was heavy, you could taste it bitter in your tongue. Your hand reached out to hers as you leaned closer as her throat bop up and down rapidly.  

Jennifer's mind was juggling between multiple emotions but the moment your fingers brushed hers, it all became silent. It was impressive the way her body reacted to your touch. It slipped her mind from those days you barely exchange a good morning, she doesn't ever want to get to a point where she can't feel it.  

“This isn't a joke, right?” Her gaze lifted to yours. God, had she been staring at your mouth this whole time?  

“No,” she breathed out. “No, it isn't.” Her eyes dropped again, but she got it together in time. “That's not how I wanted you to find out. I'm not sure if I ever wanted you to find out...” 

She watched as your lips twitched slightly and your tongue danced through them slowly. Expecting you to run to the hills as soon as she let the truth slip out, bewilderment reached her senses when that's what you didn't do. You stayed. And you were still there, staring at her, unmoving.  

Until you retracted your hand from hers on the car seat to touch her cheek carefully. Your lips moved but she couldn't hear a thing.  

“Uh, what?” 

“It is okay if I...” She was nodding before you could finish speaking and her lips had crashed to yours in full force. Impulsiveness. That's all her. Then, she leaned back, covering her mouth, blue eyes widened when the reality of what she had done came.  

You made a sound of protest because of the sudden withdrawal. When you saw her face, it was as if a bowl of cold water had dropped right above your head. She regrets it. She hates me now, she's— 

“I'm sorry. I didn't even—I'm sorry, that was out of line, I didn't mean to— I'm so sorry.”  

Tilting your head to the side in confusion, you questioned, “Wait, does that mean that you didn't want to kiss me or—” 

JJ gave you a look of surprise, “I didn't know if you wanted it, which clearly is not the case and I'm sorry—” 

Relief flushed your fear down the drain and you could finally feel the air entering back into your lungs. You started laughing uncontrollably. Feeling eyes burning in your side profile, you raised a hand in a silent request to wait until the fit reached a stop. A minute later, you were red, but you could speak.  

Just as JJ started to apologize again, you shut her up by cupping her cheeks and closing the gap between your lips. Like she had done beforehand, albeit softer. Her eyelashes tinkled your cheeks and the baby hairs at the nape of her neck were being brushed by your nails, it didn't take long for her hands to start trailing down your arms. You felt her smiling into the kiss.  

“You don't hate me?” she asked in between pecks.  

You let out a hum, “I hate you so much—” another kiss “... that I can't stop kissing you.” JJ huffed out a laugh and you kissed down the blush in her cheeks. "I asked if I could kiss you first, silly." She mumbled something along the lines of oh, right. 

“So, uh, wait, I—” She stuttered out and you leaned back. “About what I said before. I really am sorry. I was being an idiot. And of course, you can kiss whoever you want to kiss I was just—” 

“Jealous?” 

Her eye roll was the reply you needed.  

“I don't know. Maybe.” 

You pressed your lips together, “Okay.”  

JJ lifted her eyes to you again, studying your features for a while. She had this unreadable expression from which you couldn't identify the meaning to.  

“What?” you asked softly. She smiled, brushing a strand of your hair behind your ear.  

“Nothing. You're beautiful.”  

You blinked, not expecting to hear that, which only made her grin widen. “It's not exactly how I imagined our first kiss to be.” 

“Oh?” You mocked, recovering from the previous compliment. “So you've been imagining it?” 

“Yes. More times than I can count.” She let her back rest against the seat, eyes never drifting from you. You had missed the feeling of her gaze on you, you had missed just admiring her daily. Now that she was there, in front of you, swollen lips and flushed cheeks — because of you — you didn't know what to do. It was too good to be true.  

Did she love you as she said before? Was this just a one-time thing? Would she regret it in the morning? 

So many questions you wanted answers to but you didn't want to leave that moment.  

She called out your name gently, thumb drawing invisible patterns on your hand. “Hey,” she cooed. “What are you thinking?” 

You shook your head, waving it off. “Nothing.” 

Both of you chose to dive into silent touches and soft mumbling, just enjoying each other's presence. You didn't care about partying inside and a part of you felt smug that she chose you over that man sitting beside her at the bar.  

She was playing with your rings, commenting on each one until you let out a groan and she looked up at you questioningly. You stared at the console, your lips turning down in a frown.  

“What it is?” She asked, suppressing a grin. You looked cute acting so annoyed.  

“There's too much space between us, Jareau. I don't like this.”  

“I'm afraid that that's what happens when I'm in the driver seat and you're in the passenger seat, doll.” 

Your nose twitched at the endearment and your face immediately flared up.  

She grinned.  

“Do you want to go on a date with me?” Her grin turned into a soft smile. She kept staring at you awaiting an answer in expectation, your eyes followed the spark of anxiety in her eyes and the ways her hands had become clammy on yours. No need to be a profiler to realize she was nervous. Not that you weren't about to hyperventilate yourself, but maybe her reaction meant that she wanted something more and not just tonight.  

You weren't sure of that before.  

“You really want to do this?” You brought one of her hands to your cheek, leaning into her warm palm. JJ stroked the spot softly. “I mean, do you want to—” 

“Be something?” 

You gave her a coy smile.  

“I don't want to scare you off,” she added, intertwining your hands while leaning forward. “But, if you want to—” 

“I do.” You cut her off, biting your lip once you realized you did. “I'd love to go on a date with you, Jen. You know,” you paused. “I don't know if that wasn't clear enough, but I feel the same.”  

Laying her forehead on yours for a minute, you saw the corner of her lips quirk up slightly. “It'll take me a while to get my head around that.” 

“I've been smitten with you for like... forever.” 

“That is so not true!” 

You gaped at her. “Yes, it is!” 

JJ rolled her eyes, “If you say so.” Before you could retort stubbornly, she pecked your lips. “I do care an enormous amount about you, you know that?” I love you, actually. But that's too soon and I can wait to say it at the right time. 

Your hand curled around her wrist as if you were afraid she would leave forever. She kissed your cheek, hand nudging out of your grip to intertwine your fingers in a swift motion as if she had read your mind and this was her way of saying I'm not going anywhere.  

“I care an enormous amount for you, too, Jennifer Jareau.”  

[notafraidofredyellowandblue]

so I've heard in the past that some members of the band have hinted at not being 100% straight and richard has given hints at wanting to know what it's like to be a woman, could you please give me some sources to those since I've looked everywhere and can't really find them? thank you, if not, it's totally understandable

Another really really old ask, not because i didn't want to, but because i wanted to findas much info as possible 🌺 sorry anon for taking so long..

Well, the most recent 'hint' was Flake's podcast with topic 'gay/lesbian' where he mentioned that the topic came up one evening when the band were chatting and it turned out they all had their experiences 🥰

Rammstein is imo a band who has always been very 'inclusive' in any sexual preferences, and especially in Till's lyrics you can tell he is very interested in anything out there (not that that makes him 'not straight' (to be honest, i think he is, by some other quotes in interviews 😊) but i wouldn't be surprised if he tried some stuff somewhere in life).

Richard did an 2010 interview in Canada (don't have a link to the original, just this transcript) where he was quoted (about 'Mann gegen Mann')

"Actually, Till showed the lyrics to our Gay community, to our friends, just to make sure, because if you talk about something that you not really are, it's always kind of hard. Sometimes you cross the line, you don't think about it, but it could be offensive. If you do something because it's your experience, it's fine, but if you write something and you're not actually a part of it, I think you should make sure that everything you want to say is right. So he gave the lyrics to some friends, and they were very approving."

Which sort of confirms that they don't see themselves as gay so much. Also in interviews where they were asked 'are you gay', they usually end up with 'no'... interestingly, i don't think i've seen an interview where an interviewer explicitely asked 'are you bisexual' 🌺 (by the way, i would be really surprised if Richard hadn't some experience with a guy when he was younger, i vaguely remember he alluded to such in a really old interview, but i don't have a link).

--

Richard indeed has expressed ideas about his feminine side several times, in the interbiew above he says for instance

"If you talk to me right now, I'm a big believer in getting myself in balance between the female and the male side. I have a female side too, obviously."

And very striking was in several interviews ca 2021 after he did the cover 'Always on my mind' with Till for the Emigrate album 'The Persistence of Memory' and then made it a duet, stating:

"I mean, obviously, Till has also this very characteristic voice. And then it was pretty fast. He recorded one day. And then I was listening to it, and I felt a little bit that his performance was a little bit too male-oriented. So I felt I need a little female touch to it. So that’s why my personality came in. And I think it’s a good combination"

So he felt a female touch was needed, and added his own voice to Till's track 🥰

And ofcourse in 2023 he shared on his ig

"I've always wondered what it's like to be a woman"

Now ofcourse this could just be a Kruspe-caption 😊 but with the 'DT' video in mind and his role in it, it makes one wonder doesn't it... where is that making of when we need it 🌺😊

---

From the others i don't have quotes at hand...sorry...but maybe someone else has and is willing to share 🌺

[cybervesna]

Hello, I'm not sure if I missed it somewhere but what's the backstory between Wiosna and Kurt?

Hi! Actually! I haven't talked about them in complied way... Thank you for asking this, I will explain and ramble about them here 😅 At the start, I will say that my photo series Wires is telling the story of the two of them in chronological order (with the exception of Valentine's special cuz that will be set after a few that have to come at some point, I'm sorry Part 7 is so demanding...). However, Dogtown Nights are shorter bits of their life, in unspecified time points (unless stated otherwise cuz some will be follow-up/prequel to Wires) More under the cut

In early 2076 Wiosna became a netrunner for hire after her abusive fiance Arthur Jenkins died. She started small, but thanks to her experience (as she learned netrunning in Poland, where NetWatch is far more strict and only the best can survive (Thanks Eurosource Plus) and a death wish, she quickly made her way to The Afterlife. There, she was known under the nickname SPR1NG. People knew about her only what she allowed them to know, which wasn't much. But Rogue didn't complain, since Spring did all her suicidal gigs with utmost excellence. Happy client = happy fixer. With Wiosna's status increased she started being looked at by many organizations. Corps wanted to hire her to steal data from one another, cause global security breaches, and such things. She was picky with her jobs. Wiosna wasn't after money, nor she was after fame. It was the thrill. She wanted to feel something worth living for. She wanted to be scared to die. Which never really happened. So, when Rogue told her there was a special client from Dogtown who would like to hire her, but there were no deets about anything, she was intrigued. She agreed to the meeting, and from that point forward, her career was under the watchful eye of Mr. Hands. The meeting itself revealed that the client was no one else than Kurt Hansen himself, who needed a capable netrunner to build the lab for Cassels visit. Kurt was a figure everyone in Night City heard about. And Wiosna wanted to find out what was true. How the whole thing went can be seen on Wires: Part 1. But but but but!!! Dogtown Nights 4 is an indirect follow-up that happens between Part 1-5 of the Wires.

Wiosna had a life before this one. Life she ran away from, but that life made her who she is. And she was a highly educated psychologist. She liked to analyze people, trigger certain emotions in them, and make them what she wanted... And Kurt Hansen had something in him, that made her develop an unhealthy obsession. Especially, that he, just like her liked playing mind games.

And Kurt liked her, because she was pretty, smart and it was intriguing as hell she was not jumping to his bed the second she got a chance. In fact, she was cockblocking him.

Kurt and Wiosna were dancing around each other for weeks, and poor Kurt had no idea he was the one losing. Wiosna wrapped him around her finger, by letting him think he was winning, but in reality, she manipulated her way to his heart. Heart, he thought he didn't have. The stepping stone for them was the moment Kurt found out about Wiosna's past.

For Wiosna is was a test. She knew it wouldn't be easy since he didn't get any info on her the first time. All of this was to check if he was willing to bother, and what kind of reaction he would have to the truth. I made some of her files there (I should do more)

Wiosna always saw herself as flawed and unworthy of anything, due to her child trauma. She spent more time in psychiatric facilities, where they tried to "fix her" than she spent with people at school. Any free time she had, she spent in cyberspace or in ballet class - however alone.

Her files consist of dozens of evaluations, diagnoses, incident descriptions, and everything really negative that everyone in high-corpo society sees as "psycho" but in a - we can't make it useful for us psycho way.

Kurt in those files saw potential.

Of course, for him it wasn't really about love, but what he could gain from her. And sadly, Wiosna was naive enough to believe otherwise.

I don't want to say much, because it's in my upcoming stories, but I will say this: Aside from her terrible past, Wiosna also has a powerful name she doesn't use - Kochanowska. Her grandfather is Antoni Kochanowski, owner of LoveSky Space Mining Company. As of 2076 her family owns half of Earth's resources, and 90% of resources on Mars and Luna, they supply manufacturers like Arasaka with resources to make weapons, mechs etc. I want to be clear, that this is only my headcanon! We got that? Good, then to give you the level of importance LoveSky has on the market - Kurt's precious Chimaera was made from resources delivered by LoveSky to Militech. They're the fundamentals of any corporate force. Wiosna is the last of her line. Her parents died tragically (99.99% set up by their enemies) on launch to space where they were meant to start their new project, which makes her - their only child an heir to everything they owned. Which is half of LoveSky and a seat on the Arasaka Board. But Wiosna herself disappeared, despite her grandparents looking for her, and Asukaga & Finch lawyers ready to execute the will of her parents.

For Kurt she is a trophy. One that came straight to his arms at that. But well... remember what I said about Wiosna outsmarting him. They both were into each other, for their selfish reasons. What they found surprised them both.

I hope I satisfied your curiosity!

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for not telling my best friend I basically want to spend the rest of my life with her?

(This is long, I'm sorry, I'm incapable of shortly summarizing things)

Ok. So. I (26NB/FTM) am not in love with my best friend (25F), I'm ace and either aro or demiromantic (honestly not sure anymore). But I do love her as much as I can love anyone, probably. To the extent that I would want to be in a committed relationship (qpr I guess) with her and genuinely want to spend the rest of my life with her.

The thing is, she's neither aro nor ace and has only recently (last year) started overcoming fears and anxiety enough that she's gone on dates and wants to try having a relationship. It wasn't easy for her to get to this point and her anxiety is still a major thing she deals with, especially now trying to have a relationship. I know she doesn't love me romantically (not that I would particularly want her to) bc I'm firmly in the friend category and she's said that she can't fall in love with friends (though, again, I don't… want her to be in love me? Since I'm not in love with her either).

I want her to have these experiences. We're both still young and while I just don't need or want anything in that regard, I know it's different for her and in a way it's her finally being able to be herself, live for herself and do what she wants (she had a rough childhood and was basically the one raising her little brother). So, I really do want her to have these experiences and I'm not really jealous either bc I know I'm still more important to her ("bros before hoes" and all that, even if the hoes are guys lol). Though I have to admit it's recently been getting harder being genuinely happy for her when things go well with dates and I suppose I'm a little worried how things will be a few years down the line.

But we're very close. We've been friends for 8 years and best friends for almost as long. We tell each other everything. She's the most important person in my life and I'm the most important person in hers. We get mistaken for a couple constantly, at this point I'm pretty sure everyone in our families has at some point thought we're together. My mum basically treats her like a daughter; she's spent the last 3 Christmases with my family. Besides her brother, I'm the only person she truly cares about who she doesn't get anxious about. The reason I'm going to be moving back home after uni is because she still lives in the area; if she lived somewhere else I'd move there (that's not me being one-sidedly codependent btw, she would absolutely do the same). The jokes about how we need to die at the same time bc neither of us would want to live on alone are really only partly jokes.

Now, here's (finally) where I might be an asshole: When we were in school our friend group consisted of four guys, me and her. All the guys had a crush on her, though some she only found out about later. My best friend, at the time, identified as a lesbian (it's bi probably now). The guys knew that. Now this one guy she only found out about last year at a class reunion (I wasn't there) and he was being all weird about how he'd seen all the times they went to the movies together as dates etc. She thought they were jokingly calling those 'dates', we all did. Again, he knew she identified as gay and never actually said anything about being in love with her. He was also giving off incel-y vibes when she talked with him at the class reunion, so there's that.

We talked about that and well, I kinda admitted that there'd been a moment yeaaaaars ago (like 5?6?) where I felt myself fall in love with her and mentally went 'nope, nope, nope, not doing that (falling in love my best friend) again' and then… it didn't happen. Don't know how that worked. Either way, she made me promise if I ever did actually fall in love with her, that I would tell her. We were laughing about it but I know she was serious about that.

I don't plan on telling her though. I meaaaan I'm not in love with her, technically, which yes, I know, she would probably mean this too. But I know that, at least at this point in time, she doesn't want the same things I want and I want her to have these experiences of dating guys and being in a (allo) relationship etc. I don't want our relationship right now to change either and I know she would try to be considerate and I don't need or want that. I don't want her to overthink what she can or can't tell me, I don't mind hearing her talk about the guys she's dating and I want her to still come to me with everything. I know how she works, I've been basically managing her anxiety for years (genuinely do not mind that before anyone comes talking to me about boundaries) and I know I'm one of the few people in her life who try to let her come to her own conclusions/decisions instead of telling her what they think is right and/or what she should do (she's very easily influenced unfortunately and while I do tell her my opinions if she asks for them, I always try to let her come to her own conclusions first). I don't want her to lose all that. I don't want her to suddenly be anxious about me either, that is genuinely the last thing I would ever want.

TLDR: My best friend made me promise her that I would tell her if I fell in love with her, which I'm technically not, but I do want to spend the rest of my life with her & would want to be in a (queerplatonic) committed relationship with her. I don't want to tell her bc I know it's not what she wants, at least right now, and I want her to make her own experiences and I don't want our relationship to change with this.

AITA for not telling her I would want to be in a (queerplatonic) relationship with her?

What are these acronyms?

[blackjackkent]

Now that we're out of Moonrise, we can bring Minthara into the party, and she has a LOT of camp chat for Rakha to catch up on. Moving this into its own post from the other camp stuff, because there's a lot of it.

Annoyingly, we can't have the usual Durge onboarding conversation that we've had with the other companions, about Rakha's murder urges and bloodlust and memory loss. She also has a dialogue node labeled, "I need to talk to you about a private matter," but when I select that item, there's no dialogue options in it, which is weird.

We do, however, have the option to ask her about her opinions regarding the other companions, which is always fun.

"I'm curious to hear your thoughts about our companions."

"A disparate collection of vagabonds and strays. Did you have anyone particular in mind?"

-----

"I'm curious to hear what you think of Shadowheart."

"She is tolerable, but her faith in the Lady of Loss is poisonous."

"What do you have against Shar?"

"The Nightsinger has some admirable qualities - far more than her insipid sister - but her followers are repressed. Take the child, Shadowheart. She does not even know who she is, but still manages to pity herself. The very concept of Sharran worship is self-indulgent. They would have you think every whispered word and hidden thought is of value, but it is not so. I have performed a thousand interrogations, squeezing out the most-guarded secrets held in heart, mind, and soul. I can tell you this - when the trivial parts have been whittled away, and I have sifted through what remains, in most cases a person amounts to nothing at all."

This is a rather novel angle on philosophy for Rakha - but it echoes her own lack of interest in the religions that her companions are so invested in.

Somewhere in her past, she too has tortured people - she's had flashes of memory of it. Nothing concrete - but enough to know that her own experience was about pain and death, not about digging out information.

She wonders a little about the interrogations Minthara describes. What would that look like? Would Minthara, perhaps, be able to wrestle out the secrets hidden in Rakha's head that she herself cannot access?

Or would she, too, amount to nothing at all in the end?

-----

"What do you make of Astarion?"

"He's been deprived of freedom and strong blood for so long that he is addicted to both. While those addictions have their hold on him, he is still a slave."

"He'll be a slave to his blood-thirst as long as he lives."

"And while you live, you'll be enslaved to *your* appetites and hungers. We all feed on something, and if we are deprived of it, we will fight for it. But Astarion is not only bound to his needs and desires, he is still bound to something more powerful - his Master. He will only be free when Cazador is dead, and that is as it should be. When the time comes, we must hope that he does not only take Cazador's long life, but the power that has sustained him as well."

Fascinating.

The line about "appetites and hungers" obviously hits different for Rakha as a Durge, although Rakha has already long since equated her struggles with the Urge to Astarion's bloodlust.

More than anything specific about what Minthara is saying, I think Rakha is kind of just fascinated listening to her talk. In a way she is as blunt and direct as Rakha herself is, but still manages to project an eloquence and a sense of her words being informed by long experience in a way that Rakha simply isn't capable of.

-----

"How do you and Lae'zel get along?"

"I have encountered few githyanki in my life. Those that I did were raiders - they croaked out please for mercy in their alien tongue as they died. Meeting Lae'zel makes me wish I knew more of their culture."

"Why not ask Lae'zel to educate you?"

"I did. She told me she has nothing to teach that cannot be learned through observation of her prowess in combat. Perhaps she is right - she certainly cuts a striking figure in battle. There is a precision to her ferocity that I admire."

"It seems a rather brutal culture."

"To one who only sees the surface of things, perhaps. You should look deeper. In spite of her youth, there is a patience and precision in Lae'zel's thoughts and actions that I admire. Those qualities will strengthen as she matures."

I do like this quite a lot in the context of the drabble I wrote about Lae'zel and Minthara's initial meeting in Rakha's worldstate.

Minthara definitely sees a lot that she respects in Lae'zel and also sees that she is terribly young but has potential to be much more than she is currently. Clearly she sees right through Lae'zel's attempts at bluster. In this case, Lae'zel refusing to teach her directly was absolutely another bit of trying to puff up and look big.

Continuing to be fascinated by how Minthara really feels like a refined and sharpened and experienced version of Rakha's own thought processes. I feel like Minthara is in many ways a vision of what Rakha might have been like with a more solid amount of perspective and education to draw on.

-----

"Have you spent much time with Gale?"

"The wizard? No."

"Don't you like wizards?"

"Don't sulk. I admire your mastery of the Weave, but I have known many wizards. In my experience, they do not usually live long enough to make the effort of befriending them worthwhile. Either the enemy recognizes they are a threat, and kills them swiftly, or their curiosity leads them to combust while experimenting with the limits of magic." [Here she pauses and squints sardonically at Rakha for a moment] "Present company excluded, of course. I am sure you will live to a *ripe* old age. Gale, however, is already in a state of suspended combustion thanks to that orb between his ribs." [a humorless laugh] "I suspect it is only a matter of time before he goes up in smoke. I will reserve my social graces for those who might live long enough to appreciate them."

LOL. OK, it's official. I love Minthara.

I briefly thought this was sorcerer-specific dialogue but then I remembered Rakha has a couple levels in wizard; luckily it works regardless, because Rakha was definitely about to get sulky about he implications. I think she's gathered that the nuances of distinction between wizards and sorcerers tend to be lost on most people.

Minthara was absolutely being WILDLY sarcastic about Rakha living to a ripe old age. She's only seen Rakha in combat once so far, but she already knows her new traveling companion has a tendency for, to put it mildly, recklessness.

Historically, Rakha tends to be a little sour towards people who are mean to her companions. However, Minthara now is a companion as well, which in Rakha's eyes gives her a little more room to speak her mind. And, deep down, Rakha has to admit she has a point; after all, Gale himself insists that he has no choice but to let the orb do its work in the end.

-----

"You and Karlach seem to be friendly."

"I have never known anyone so ferocious and unassailable in battle, and yet so fragile and impermanent in their very being. I often think of mortality as a curse. In time, all that I am and all that I have known and learned will be lost. In time, our cities will be dust. Karlach does not seem to have such anxieties. Perhaps because she cannot afford to. She exists in the moment, and she will burn out and be gone in a moment. There is something very beautiful about that."

<3 Everyone loves Karlach.

Rakha didn't have any further comments to make about this one. I think she's just kind of listening quietly. This conversation has already been enough to show me that Minthara just utterly fascinates her. Everything she says feels like something Rakha might have thought but would never have been able to find the words for - a blunt and pragmatic view of the world touched a deeper understanding and near-poetry. Her words are informed by history and memory, where Rakha has none.

She wishes she could speak like this to Wyll.

Speaking of which...

-----

"Any thoughts on Wyll?"

"He is exceedingly self-righteous. Amusing, considering he bound himself to a devil."

"Wyll is a good man."

"I will take your word for it. I only care that he is a good soldier, and he has not disappointed me on that front."

Hah. This absolutely reads to me as Minthara getting herself revved up to roast Wyll like nobody's business, and then belatedly remembering Rakha's obvious feelings for him and just deciding to keep her mouth shut. XD

I don't think, at this point, Minthara could talk Rakha out of caring for Wyll; he's had too much of a formative impact on her worldview. But it would have made her uncomfortable, certainly, to listen to Minthara talk derisively about him.

-----

There are a few other quick dialogue options outside the companion discussion; most of them are things we already know. Ketheric is invulnerable, which she witnessed in person in battle, and while her oath of vengeance on Lolth's behalf is now broken, she has a new one - revenge against the Absolute and all those who follow it.

But one bit was particularly interesting to me as part of Rakha's story:

"Do you remember all that you did in the Absolute's name?"

"I was the Absolute's dagger. I remember every throat that it held me to, and every drop of blood it forced me to spill. I take no responsibility for the lives I took. I did nothing in the Absolute's name - I was merely a weapon that it wielded."

This is the first jarring note in the conversation, really. Rakha, too, has felt at times like her body is merely a weapon for the beast in her head... but she is all too conscious, especially lately, of her own feelings of guilt at what she has been made to do. "I've lost control of myself before," she mutters harshly. "I hate it."

Surprisingly enough, Minthara's expression softens slightly. "You have my sympathy. The tadpole... the Absolute... they work together like a drug. I did not feel I was compelled to act against my will. I felt ecstatic to serve. Every action seemed a deliberate choice - the best choice - even though I could no more have resisted its commands than flesh can resist decay."

"Even rational minds like ours cannot reject such a powerful influence. The Absolute can make the impossible seem inevitable."

Rakha remembers the moments where the beast has won. It is not exactly like what Minthara describes - more like watching her body puppeted from a distance while she is torn out of her own control. But it is still close enough that it makes her shudder.

Then again... with Rakha's help, Minthara has found a way free of the compulsions that the Absolute drove through her. Perhaps, with Minthara's help, Rakha may yet find a way free as well.