#i just know that i cant have anything to do with that anymore i guess
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even though you were possibly the one to hurt my feelings the most in my entire life in every single dream you appear in i forgive you
#and it literally ruins my entire day. even thinking about you makes me feel like shit.#anyway the pain will pass and it will be like nothing ever happened im sure#also ive been dreaming about my first girlfriend and it makes me wonder if she dreams about me too#idk last time i saw her she looked so sick. im worried about her but its the weirdest feeling because... theres nothing i can do#we barely know eachother anymore but i still care about her so much#i know thats just the way it is but i sincerely just want her to be happy#i just know that i cant have anything to do with that anymore i guess#or i could because we could still ne friends but shes back in brazil so its a no go#p#this looks like a justgirlythings post oh well. send it#honestly its ridiculous how aforementioned first girlfriend broke up with me on my birthday while i was frankly depressed and alone#in a whole other continent lol#what this person did to me hurt harder. frfr. this whole situation makes me sick to my stomach#and i think they dont even like. think about it. or regret anything. or know i feel this way. and my stupid ass is here#avoiding the though of them at all costs. i just want this to pass and the hurt to be over it like i just have to forget all of it.#anyway its stupid shit. like the situation is not even that deep my feelings were just deeply hurt whatever so dw👍#ok the person who hurt me the most besides my mom but thats just like. what parents do#they hurt you irreparably without even noticing sometimes and then you just get over it. so im not counting that
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i really hate gettign so frustrated i get extremely irritatable and so full of ... energy of just wanting to cry and punch and kick something, and for some reason i also get incredibly itchy but in a way that it wont stop and i just want to scratch my skin off, like theres a little guy running over my skin and stabbing me with a needle in the same spots over and over, every little normal thing can send me over the edge, even thigns like typos, today it was cutting a little avocado that wasnt quite ripe yet, so i wasted it, and annoying ads on TV-
been trying for ages to draw literally anything, been trying to work on a new design sheet for links shiekah arm and i thought maybe i should ditch the sketch part since all things seemed to get stuck on it, but no, i dont know what it is, been trying to just get some of those shiekah squiggly design lines on it and its been three days without anything looking even remotely like i want and its so goddamn stupid, its just some wiggly lines!!!!! and now i am stting here in tears bc im so angry and frustrated about it, all this time wasting over and over and over im so tired of it, i dont want to not draw either though, i have wasted hours doing shitty grind quests in slime rancher, i have been helping with baking cookies, been folding little paper stars, all things i hoped would help me get out of this but it wont work, i am at my wits end
crying and kicking stuff so hard it hurts you cant be the right way to cope with this but all other things that have worked in the past arent doing that...................
#ganondoodles talks#personal#i know these shitty vent posts are annoying#guess how annoying it is to be stuck in my body with my brain not being able to do literally anything#feeling more and more like you just want to explode#i have so mayn things i want and plan to do#but i cant even get one design done#WHY??????????? WHY WHY WHY?????????????#i have all the shit in my head and it seems so fun and then i try it and just want to gnaw my arm off#its been similar like this so goddamn long#what am i supposed to do when the only thing i truly enjoy and want to do sends me over the edge like that#art is my only lifeline to my sanity .......#even pondering if any of the meds i have here could somehow help me but i only really have .. painkillers caffein or alcohol#but the first i dont take for nothing - second im sensitive towards and it hasnt helped and lastly .... i dont like alcohol unless its-#-like a single chocolate thing with a miniscule amount of it#i honestly dont know what im goood at anymore#it was environment once- but that is long past#now i thought its character design but that went straight into the sun now too#no sketches no painting not even the shittiest doodle#i just want this to stop
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you are complaining about complaining too much while complaining about the fact that maybe people dont like you because you complain too much while complaining about being alone. just stop complaining and do something about it. talk to people. reach out. dont just wait for someone to come to you first.
i have tried reaching out to different people in the past year or so but it never works. i understand its my own fault for letting relationships decay because of my own insecurities and issues but that doesn't mean i can just will myself to think or believe different things about myself. it's a self fulfilling prophecy ; i think people don't like me so i don't reach out so people don't like me etc . i am sure you do not want to hear me list all the things i want to say in response so i will put them in the tags.
#every time i try to reach out or talk to someone it goes nowhere. i dont have any social skills anymore and have no clue how to keep a#conversation going. half the time even when i do people stop replying to me. which is fine theydont owe me a reply but still feels likeshit#when i tried to make one new irl friend it just didn't work because they have better options for friends. we spoke occasionally but never#messaged online like ever and would only talk when we happened to be in the same place. i tried multiple times to organize a time to hangou#none of which came to pass. i dont understand why this one didn't work because i thought this person was interested in being my friend but#i guess i was wrong or thought they were more interested than they really were.#i have a problem with reaching out anyway which has been a problem i have had since i was like 11. reaching out to people first doesnt come#easily to me - in the beginning when i was a lot younger i didn't want to bother people with my presence & thought if i were to come to#someone first they would feel pressured into talking to me when they didn't want to. this is stupid of course. but has still not left me as#something i feel is very core to the way i act today. waiting for someone to come to me first feels like my only option because i do not#know how to reach out effectively (my evidence being i have failed every time i have tried) & i am convinced people dont like me in the#first place and do not want me to approach them.#i dont really even know who to reach out to in the first place. my world is extremely narrow. the number of people i know has shrunk#significantly and my standing in their eyes collectively has also shrunk significantly in the past few years. i feel like every person i#was once friends with wants nothing to do with me. i feel as if i have burned every bridge possible.#when it comes to the fact i complain all the time . which i know of course is annoying. its because i cant find any kind of joy in anything#i do or see or whatever. nothing makes me happy - i only see things to complain about. all stimulus seems grating and the world seems#specifically catered to make me miserable. all i can really do is complain. i treat this blog like a stream of consciousness and when most#of that consciousness is occupied with how much i hate being alive the blog will mostly be complaining. its a vicious cycle lol .#anyway . i guess the key theme is low self esteem begets low self esteem in many ways. mental illness begets mental illness.#i am not really saying this to anyone least of all to you anon. i just felt compelled to recount i guess for myself the reasons that came#to mind for why i am like this. i am talking to myself here
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The concept of queerbaiting annoys me. I was told that it refers to a work of fiction pretending to cater to a queer audience but then pulling back from it to avoid alienating homophobes, which is an incredibly specific thing. But a lot of people seem to think that it instead means "any time there's any gay subtex, metaphor, or ambiguity" or "whenever something from 1995-2012 was being a normal amount of homophobic for the era."
#I've secondhand seen the way Sherlock...was.#And yeah that's very pointedly cruel to the audience.#But not everything is that aware of its following to point by point mock them for half an hour.#And I think people forget that for a period there was a unique combination of awareness of gay people and homophobia bad#and a severe need to avoid being perceived as gay (and sometimes homophobic) at the same time#while it was ALSO very acceptable to treat the existence of gay people and homophobia or discomfort with both as a joke#so that whole wink wink nudge nudge dance was a huge thing in some of the 90s and earlier 2000s#and sometimes by doing that people accidentally made it seem even more fucking gay.#Or on purpose. People also forget that yeah gay people could exist as a joke but they couldn't be casual protags or w/e.#It wasn't really done like that.#I think what it's really proof of is that the 90s/early 2000s is long enough ago that people have become illiterate to the cultural cues.#When comedians complain 'you cant make jokes anymore' sometimes this is the exact thing they're referring to.#Gay people being on TV or in books isn't some funny joke you make anymore. Just being gay or seen as gay isn't the punchline it used to be.#People are shitty about it still but it's in a different way now. Being gay isn't as much the big embarrassment it used to be.#Gay tv shows and books are a whole market now. And stuff like Sherlock or supernatural were made right in the middle of that shift.#It's the only way you could position a strategy like this. I don't know if that cultural moment really exists anymore.#Audience backlash is also more massive and in real time.#Now instead of mockery at the idea of idk Dr house md being gay conservatives would see it as a 'culture war' thing.#And non conservatives are more vocal and more liable to criticize. TV shows are seen as keepers of culture in ways they weren't before.#I don't know how to describe it exactly. I'm not an expert and I know I'm missing some pieces or things I wanted to point out.#But yeah I just think people kind of. Forgot how people treated gayness as some kind of cootie disease you had to say#You didn't have really hard all the time. People are still sort of like that but idk the language changed.#A lot of talk about homophobia and queerness is very pseudo-academic now. The distancing happens with different signifiers.#But. Yeah.#☠️#I also think queerbaiting requires a specific kind of intent as a marketing strategy.#Instead of the more likely 'well we have an unintended gay following now so I guess we can throw in some fanservice#the network would literally never allow us to do anything with it even if we wanted to though.'
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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also while im on it i dont care how magic a character is not everyone needs to have colored eyes. its like. fine to give people dark brown/ black eyes even if theyre "magical" or some shit.
#like i get it but#idk this is a problem i have with magnus fans mostly#like outside of the fact that i dont like giving poc characters european features for no fucking reason#the whole point of it is that you CANT tell that hes Fucked Up just by looking at him#and mfs are out here like :) actually he has neon green eyes#FREE ME. sorry.#only character i accept as having weird eyss is elias#bc . look at him. or jonah i guess cuz its his eyes but#elias is supposed to have a creepy ass stare.#and anyway point is i feel like you can have that with jon but iirc he doesnt have the same powers as elias?its a different kind of eye shi#OH yeah. u can have that with jon too without needing to make him have colored eyes. idk i dont really care i dont actually interact#with magnus fandom outside of elias shit anymore generally#i think the point i was trying to make earlier was it makes sense for elias to have his creepy grey eyes because he SEES like actually sees#and jons (I AM LIKELY VERY WRONG. I DO NOT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT TMA) jons whole thing is knowing shit. yk.#feel free to correct me if you think im wrong or if i dont understand/ am misremembering canon here
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me when i cant be someones favorite person all the time forever for no fucking reason: ah i see. hm. okay. i should go abandon everyone and everything and then kill myself
#like jesus man why cant i just be happy for people#its not even like they dont like me or anything i know they do obviously but my goddamn brain just goes#hey. hey. hey. hey. theyre abandoning you. they absolutely fucking hate you. you mean nothing to this person anymore now that they have-#other people they care about. which means you are being a burden and have to go die sobbing in a hole now sorry.#literally why#it fucking sucks so bad#i just want to be glad that my loved ones can rely on people who arent just me but noooooo i guess i have to have a breakdown over this#god#i hate myself so much dude#I seriously cant take this actually#i just want to be better#why cant i be better#and now i cant even enjoy one of my favorite bands playing anymore because im a selfish fucking prick#why does anyone even like me honestly#and this is over something thats literally so unimportant it means nothing i should not fucking care i dont want to care#tw sui ideation#im not actually considering it btw but god jesus i suck#and im attention seeking#i mean seriously i shouldnt post abt this#fucking stupid#i wish i wasnt like this#scribbles says shit#tw vent#kinda#er yeah i guess so#this is weird#only like the 4th real vent post ive ever made on here lol
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Today I, an aromantic, was getting ready to attend a wedding… with Stranger on repeat.
#the mechanisms#stranger#ttbt2#i knew what i was doing when i put it on but also i am working on an addtion to my brian-jonny foils post so i was thinking about brian#its always sad brian hours#i cant really read that song separate from him anymore. honestly not sure i ever could but. its just so unconnected from anything else.-#actaea and lyssa is pretty disconnected. but its still almost certainly on the city. alice is pretty disconnected but its a result of-#king cole’s war. the most disconnected songs are redeath. the ignominious demise of dr pilchard. drop dead. hereward the wake. and stranger-#(and frankenstein but i consider that its own thing). and redeath and drop dead are my least favorite mechs songs.dr pilchard i didnt-#really care for for quite a while. stranger has so few words in it. it’s my favorite song. but the story is minimal fron the song (ie w/o-#knowing the crane wife story) so making a story around it sort of makes sense? im having a hard time with the words here. like we expect a-#story. cause that’s what the mechs do. and stranger has a story. it just doesnt have context and so creatong that context for ourselves is-#understandable. to be expected even. hope that makes sense#side note: i think it would make sense for hereward to have been from the same place (system I guess) as the people that made-#fort galfridian. i mean hereward was more of a real person than arthur (since there was no one person arthur was based on. like thats a-#whole thing) and hereward was anglo-dutch. so it makes sense hed be related to that story somehow#its just a theory. obviously. theres nothing in the songs connecting the too as far as im aware.#OH also achilles pointed out to me the anti-amatonormative/aromantic reading of stranger and i liked that a lot#hereward was anglo-danish. not anglo-dutch. sorry danish and dutch people
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post ankle-twisting clarity
#i slipped in the mudddddd the other day LOL i twisted my one ankle and scraped up my other knee#so the past few days ive just been kind of needing to waddle around.....#LUCKILY its healing well and fast <3 but yknow i was like#so stressed out over shit that doesnt matter in school. and like this is an awful unintentional habit i have but i will get like#overly stressed over shit and then i'll start getting SUPER careless with everything. and then i'll injure myself foolishly and Calm Down#happened last year with my foolish midnight woodcarving incident LOL its always november....#BUT yeah luckily this years foolish injury is a quick one at least!!#but yeah like genuinely i was so stressed out about all my fine arts major shit. teachers have been really getting on my case recently#my main professor said that it was a good thing people get so riled up with my work because it means its impactful#tbh i didnt believe her at all i thought she was just trying to placate me but then i listened closely to the things faculty say when#they look at my fucking. cartoon wolf drawing or something and i think. she might be right actually. people keep getting frustrated with me#because i think they see a lot of potential in me but i basically only have to drive to draw cartoon wolves etc HFKJSDHJVKRFEds#which is great for my ego. maybe too good for my ego. that my mark making and colour use etc is so evocative to these industry and#instutition people. but on the other hand i was told like thrice now that my work has no place in a gallery. which is fine although im not#totally sure how true that is. but also afterwards one time i was suggested to go into animation instead which is. um.#so its not out of nowhere i mean i did want to be an animator when i was like 10 but if you know anything about the current state of the#animation industry its like genuinely wild to tell someone who you've only seen 2 dimensional watercolour and acrylic painted#sketchy lined drawings from and who has said they cant do digital art anymore that they should get an animation degree?#brother they would kill me. i would be killed. i had an inkling but it really made me notice so clearly how limited the experiences my#faculty kind of have with certain industries. which is fine. or maybe not. for a professor LOL but yknow. but i was like huh. i guess i can#just kind of chill lol if i just keep doing things maybe something will come of it. i may not get as much help in my artistic development#rn as i would like. but its chill i think i'll figure it out if i just keep doing stuff <3#doesnt really matter that my teachers dont know what to do with me. my kneeeee has a booboo so i am CHILLING out :)
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you ever so attention deprived that you start crying because you posted a picture on twitter that nobody wanted to look at that you thought maybe might finally make someone look at you again
#going from having multiple people trying to Text Me every single time i even posted a photo of my face to posting photos showing off#(not a nude) and having absolutely nothing and also in general being completely ghosted by almost every songle friend you have incl your#best friend that you've clung to and loved for two years that would call you gorgeous and now doesnt even answer the phone#yknow it does not great things to your brain#and i feel so fucking lonely and a couple internet friends have said they care n love me n i love them but it doesnt help bc every single#irl i had isnnow just gone i guess. i find it incredibly difficult to talk to ppl only online and like i have no life irl anymore.#nothing. no one. and then i just feel so guilty bc i know there are people that care i lnow mike cares but he's so far away from me#and i just want my friends to think im pretty again i just want someone to tell me they want to kiss me i want someone to kiss me i want a#compliment just anything i feel so alone and im not used to this at all at least when i didnt have friends i could at least still get sex bc#im fucking easy or whatever and now i do everything i can and i get nothing i genuinely just cant do this
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ugghhh wintertime sucks!! I'm sad and tired and sad all the time.. I need a nap.. and f/o cuddles.. and another nap..
#ash rambles 💚#negative#part of it is definitely the weather#it's so dark and dreary and i never wanna leave my bed#but also just. my mood akdjajs I'm kinda down in the dumps today#im recovering from being sick which always fucks me up#and i just cant shake this feeling of anxiety..? and i feel kinda a lot like my f/os wouldnt like me or would fall out of love or never see#me as more than a friend and other stuff like that#i.. actually got broken up with yesterday irl!#it wasnt messy. he said that this isnt what he wanted and it was fine and we're back to being pals. i wasnt sad at all in the moment and#i dont think i am now..? it's weird. we were laughing like always literal minutes after having the chat. when we got together we said that#if things domt work out we wanna keep being friends. and we're doing just that. honestly i saw it coming and idek if i LOVE him anymore#what even does love feel like..? regardless I'm not upset or sad at my breakup since i saw it coming and I'm honestly happy he just. Talked#to me about it. we communicated and then three minutes later went back to talking about x.enoblade LMAAOO it was fun!#but it is ridiculous for me to expect to feel NOTHING at no longer being in a relationship. i cant just feel nothing. i dont feel sad per s#just... in my thoughts i guess? I don't think the feeling of my f/os not liking me stems from me being dumped though. i think thats just me#being me sjdjaksj I'm very insecure a lot of the time. i dont think being dumped helpd very much though LMAAAOO#I'm doing okay i promise. and I'll be alright. theres just both a lot and nothing going on at the same time and i feel... idk what i feel.#i hope my f/os love me 😭 i hope that a lot#and honestly i know this community is ass and I'm more than happy in my own corner with my couple of followers but. ngl I've really felt as#though I'm not valued here and all that junk as of late. yeah just.. i think everything is happening at the same time and I'm tired and#i feel like I'm a confused kiddo who doesnt know anything anymore BAHAHAHA#holy shit it just sounds like i need a shower and a nap huh- I'll be alright I'm just. dealing with stuff akdjsks but i also hate to always#bring the mood down like this! i always try my best to be haha silly and all that shit. I'm just gonna try to daydream about f/o cuddles#(and try to convince myself they dont hate me ofc)#oh and. i know i mentioned this but. i hate the weather. so much. I'm sad all the time. November is actually my least favorite month too 😭#I've gotta study a lot today and I'll try to sneak in some k.urohyou and hopefully start watching monster too but yeah i apolgize if#I'm acting off these days ajdjajs I'm very stuck in my own mind these days. not exactly the most fun place to be 😭#delete later#i mean akdjajs i literally started crying the other day because my friend said that my husband (k.yohei) loves me ajdkahdb come on ash..
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#im such a private person irl and for what like what purpose does this serve#all it does is distance me from people and keep me from making deep deep connections i know that very well#its just the act of opening up and being vulnerable especially when people aren’t groveling for me to open up is so unimaginable and#horrible#why do i do this like why i rlly dont want to share anything abt myself i just wanna know everything abt everyone while not sharing#anything abt myself#and then at the same time i am feel deeply disconnected and not understood and not known by anyone in my life except my mom#which im grateful for at least i have her but why cant i be that same way with friends i have literally had for 20+ years#i know i have to open up unprompted like without someone begging me to do so or its just gonna get worse and worse#but at the same time if there is this friend and shes curious idk theres just a million different things running through my head and im#just not ever a 100% honest or genuine with them#i guess in a way i also want to be seen in a certain light and as a certain someone and i do try to preserve an image of sorts even though#thats ridiculous to do with your fucking friends idk i guess im pretentious as shit?#i dont even know anymore#more than anything its like often when i share sth that was hard for me to open up abt i feel like ppl dont treat that with care or at#least havent in the past#and i rlly rlly hated that a lot and just i dont know#i told my mom some of the things my friends have said to me which has upset me and she was it sounds like they dont know you at all#and then she said but can i tell you that this is your own fault#and im like. i know. whag are they supposed to do#idk why am i like this what purpose does this serve omg id love to spend a day as an oversharer irl just to get a glimpse of what its like#i know this sounds odd bcs me online is just pure word vomit but thats probably also overcompensation cause i dont share these things with#my friends aka the ppl who i should actually be talking to#anyways
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trying to decipher if the overwhelming dread & Thoughts are cause of the state of the world or cause i need a shower.
vent post in the tags. idk. do whatever 👍
#sorry bros im about to ventpost in these mf tags 👍#im so fucking tired man. im already suicidal to begin with but the Everything happening is making it Worse. Yippe Yahoo Hooray.#therapy in a week though so ive got that at least.#this is the worst time of year for shit to go south.but Uh Oh saying that makes me feel like a selfish fuckass because other people -#- have it worse. like. god fucking damn. i get Extra suicidal around september -> march range sure. but other people are literally suffering#like as we fucking speak. and ive done fuckall to help cause i dont know HOW to help. but thats not a fucking excuse#im just being comfortable in my lazy ass depression spiral cause im a selfish fucking prick. “i cant spare the energy to vett things”#other people are fucking dying and im over here like “noo im too tiwed :( i cant do anyfing so im not gona do anyfing cuz im wazy and tiwed”#what the fuck is wrong with me lmao. knowing me im not gona change shit anyway despite fucking complaining about it cause im just. fucking#Like That.#idk. i was reblogging some of those “hold in there dont kill yourselves” posts cause like. yk. suicide bad or fucking whatever. but someone#on this site said something along the lines of “ok but how many people reblogging/posting these told jews to kill themselves” and like.#i dont know. i dont fucking know dude. so i guess im not reblogging Those anymore.#theres bigger issues out there and here i am focusing on some queer people who might kill themselves. idk. i should just join them yk#cause i never fucking focus on the bigger shit cause “i dont know how” and “i dont want to make things worse so i just wont do anything” so#im not doing fuckall other than just being part of the fucking problem here.#i should probably just delete social media for a while and see from there.#or just fucking drink about it thats the other option. its worked for me before (lie) so i may as well do it again am i right#im sorry i never like. boost gofundmes or fundraisers and shit i just.#i dont have a fucking excuse. im just a lazy fucking bastard in my own stupid fucking comfort circle.#“oh no seeing that people are dying makes me uncomforyable :(” ok well people are fucking dying you self absorbed douchebag. why cant you#get off your stupid fucking ass and do something. get a job so you can fucking help people or *something#its not like you have to pay rent and shit.#<- all about myself. cause yk. self centered douchbag. hooray.#i dont pay rent and i dont have to pay for my own food. i still live with my parents. im fucking useless to society so i may as well get a#job and send the money i dont fucking need to somrone who DOES need it. but here i am.#in.my stupid fucking bed til noon cause “the world is scary and jobs are hard :(”#its fucking retail. retail isnt as fucking hard as like. construction and shit but here i am anyway “unable” to do shit.#i fucking could if i just fucking ballsed up and put up with shit. but no. here i fucking am going “nooo i should just kill myself instead”#vent post
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I was trying to figure out ideas for a zine (I guess me, CL, P2, and Wolf make them now?) but, uh, just kinda ended up drawing myself... whoops.
#other post#-ct#tailstrokes#i guess?#no i'm not a parker haha#i feel like my style differs a tiny bit from wolf which is... sort od validating in a way?#you know one of the kids called#god i almost said 'us'#i'm NOT a white collar anymore#i mean i kept the work clothes but that's cause i think they're kinda hot#but anyway the kid called them (fuck i wrote us there instinctively) scientists first and the others nearly agreed to use that for them#that'd have been weird#they (...we?) are definitely NOT scientists#not we im not that anymore! fuck!#THE POINT is that im not sure theres really anything that encompasses what i used to do#maybe observer watcher witness#anyway it doesnt matter now#god i really feel i was there decades ago its what i said to wolf when they first made contact and asked but#if you asked me for memories for a feeling of connection to specific things to describe i couldnt i cant#i just feel like i was there and i was ... doing my former job#other people here got to be the ones in things good and bad and evil alike#me and the rest we didnt#we just did our jobs#we werent people#or like cl said didnt know we were/are#im making myself sad#going to shut up now
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kind of annoys me sometimes how I can happily listen to my roommate explain the entire plot of whatever she's currently into but when it comes to my interests she can only listen for a few mins before wordlessly walking out of the room
#ive only slept 4 hours and its a sunday so im probably just cranky and getting irrationally annoyed idk.#but i wanted to talk abt revenant gun bc im enjoying it and havent gotten to discuss it w anyone :-(#i dont wanna post on here bc i dont wanna see spoilers and i dont have anything to say that other fans would find particularly interesting#ik half the arcs of the veilguard characters despite the fact ill never play it bc i like listening to her + hearing her opinions#but damn i guess she doesnt gaf shes got better things to do. im not being fair i get we jusr socialise differently n thats fine.#and ik its not true but sometimes i feel like she doesnt like being around me very much bc shes always halfway out the door#and she doesnt suggest we watch shit together anymore n has turned me down the last few times ive suggested it#but ik shes doing shit w other ppl shes always calling n playing games n stuff w other friends so well maybe its a little true#and she acts so strange around me sometimes like she'll move to the other side of the room if i go open the fridge or whatever#like damn girl im not gonna fucking bite u. whats up with the constant 5ft distance. bc u dont ever do that with other friends just me.#and then it pisses me off when it sort of comes up as a side thing to smth else bc it ONLY ever comes up around other ppl she'll never#bring it up directly with me and she'll blame it on me as if we havent had this conversation multiple times where ive explained exactly#why im weird abt shit sometimes and where my boundaries are and what i would like and then nothing at all changes#like last time she brought it up around another friend she was like oh well we can hug more if u want like no we fucking cant bc u act#like we're magnetically repulsed u hate me being in ur space and only tolerate it when we're around other ppl which is why it makes ME#uncomfortable when she does try to be physically affectionate or whatever bc she 100% exclusively does it in front of others#like man u dont have to put on a fucking performance??? or even worse do it just bc u feel guilty abt leaving me out i hate being pitied#even if ik i very obviously do get hurt at being left out. but thats my problem man i would never fuck w someone elses boundaries#i hate hate hate when ppl have inconsistent conditional boundaries and never communicate what the fucking conditions are so theyre#constantly moving the benchposts around and acting unpredictably like how am i supposed to know where they are!!!!!! please#snd then so embarrassing to pointedly say its bc of MY behaviour in front of someone else like oh ok. u couldnt have told me this before.#in private so we could actually communicatr. sorry this has gotten so off track im feeling so gross this morning and everything is#frustrating me im so tired i feel nauseous ughhhh#okay well anyway. got my list of tasks lets just focus on this shit instead before i spend yet another sunday miserably ruminating#.vent#im not actually mad at her or anything like i said we just socialise differently we have different incompatible flavours of autism#and thats not her fault but its just so frustrating that we cant seem to communicate very well. i think im allowed to be frustrated#anyway yeah sorry im leaving it im leaving it. i should go polish my boots before i shower
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Happy Tuesday everyone, I will now be unloading unsolicited opinions about the RPC.
People take 'This is a hobby!!' way too far to the point you are not taking into account other real people also exist and are only thinking about yourself and it can come across as scummy and self-absorbed and a lot of people use the 'just a hobby!' to excuse this shitty behavior and an inability to communicate with other hobby enjoyers like adults.
No one should get mad at people for dropping threads or not being active, but it's also super shitty to just ghost people and go 'teehee just a hobby so you aren't allowed to be upset!'. Like, yeah, you have limited time and a real life but so does?? everyone else on here?? It's super not cool to just invalidate people who are upset their limited time is, in their view, being wasted.
Obviously, I'm not defending people that don't just unfollow or block and move on and who get passive aggro about it all. And I'm also not calling out the people that don't do much but are like PRESENT to some degree even if it's just ooc shitposting.
I mainly mean the people I see who refuse to do threads, to answer asks, to communicate when stuff is being dropped to some degree, to participate and be social in any capacity and then get kinda pissy when no one wants to send them shit anymore. Like you are entitled to exist and participate in this hobby as you see fit....but it is a social hobby. You HAVE to give to get and if people pin you as someone who only takes, they're going to stop giving. None of us have little meow meows that are so interesting that we can just expect people to frolic to them and gush about them and shower them with interaction without some sort of reciprocation.
And, frankly, I don't think there's room to complain when that happens. You can't have your cake and eat it too in this scenario. You can 'this is just a hobby!' your way through things how you like, but you also have to realize the consequences of that and you can't be upset when they come down on you and your blog.
#like I KNOW there are ppl here i am chill with who do not interact with me as often as before because i am a notorious thread dropper#and not everyone can do that short thread. drop. new thread. drop. manner of rapid rping#and thats FINE. i accept that consequence.#and there are ppl im chill with who i dont send memes to much anymore because they never answer them or never return the favor#doesnt mean im mad about it doesnt mean i fault them for it. ppl have lives. but that the consequence and it involves me redirecting my tim#and energy to send memes to ppl who DO engage in return etc#there's just been this sudden surge in like....entitlement ive noticed. and it's just sort of co-opd what used to be a message#directed at ppl that were being demanded to reply to things the same day etc like it was a legit /good/ message#now you cant even like unfollow someone without them being like ITS JUST A HOBBY HOW DARE YOU UNFOLLOW hostility because someone is choosin#to take their business elsewhere so to speak so they can have fun with this hOBBY. its so...weird ykno#we dont owe anyone anything but a lot of ppl forget the second half of that which is#yeah but other people dont owe us anything in turn either#cw long post#cw negativity#well i mean only if you see urself in this post i guess OOP. otherwise man idk#dont get pissed at ppl for not hobbying to ur speed or standards#but also dont be surprised to learn ppl are different and have different paces and shit and WILL move on#if theyre not getting enjoyment out of the pace you're hobbying at#ur not entitled to their attention just like they're not entitled to urs ykno
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