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animakemecry · 1 year ago

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Questionable Decisions

Chapter 1 - 3.4k words

Summary: Being a grad-school student with Connie and Jean as best friends is a lot of fun, but you find yourself in a precarious situation one night after Connie's friends Annie and Mikasa join you and the guys for drinks at the local bar.

Tags: Attack on Titan modern!AU, Attack on Titan college!AU, Annie x reader (kinda), Jean x reader, bisexual!reader, afab!reader

CW: NSFW, masturbation, drinking, alcohol

****Minors DNI****

It’s only 4 p.m. and you’re just barely able to keep your eyes open through your last lecture of the day. Finals week is approaching much more quickly than you anticipated and you’re behind on some major projects, but motivation is dwindling and procrastination keeps taking over. You’re past trying to focus on the lecture, so you pull out your phone to text your best friend Connie.

“I’m about to pass out in class right now, I’m so bored.”

“lol that sucks dude. did you wanna come over after you get out of class?”

“Yeah that sounds good. I need to work on my project proposal, but I can work on it while I’m there.”

“aight bet. idk what time Jean is gonna be back, but we could grab a drink when he gets home if you need a break.”

“A drink sounds pretty damn good right now.”

You zone back into your applied biostatistics class and try your best to focus on the material. You love neuroscience and you don’t regret choosing this major, but after grinding through the first two semesters of your master’s degree it’s taking every ounce of your willpower not to take a gap year. You start thinking about getting drinks with Connie and Jean later and the thought of Connie’s overconfident approach to flirting with girls at the bar makes you smile to yourself. Finally you hear your professor start to wrap up the lecture and you make a beeline for the door.

The walk up the stairs to Connie and Jean’s apartment feels extra long today. Maybe it’s just the mental exhaustion adding to the psychical fatigue. You hang out with Connie so much that he got tired of having to get up to let you in while he’s gaming online with his friend Bertholdt, so he just gave you your own key. You’ve never met Bertholdt since he moved across the country for college with his best friend Reiner, but Connie has told you all about them and how they begged Annie to go with them when they decided to move. You’ve only met Annie a few times, but you have a good sense of her vibe. She’s working on a master’s degree in kinesiology at the same university you attend so you see each other on campus sometimes. She usually seems pretty closed off, but you’ve seen her laughing with her friend Mikasa on campus and it’s like seeing a totally different person.

Once you walk inside the apartment Connie moves over to give you room on the couch and offers to get you a snack, but you’re so behind on your project that you accidentally cut him off to ask if you can use his kitchen table as a desk for a couple hours. You set up your laptop and textbooks and put on your headphones to block out the sounds of disapproval coming from Connie as he plays Overwatch. It felt like an eternity of checking your notes, cross-referencing, and meticulously typing out the appropriate methods when Jean finally walks through the door smiling over at you.

“Hey you.”

You instinctively roll your eyes at him. You know Jean well enough to know that he’s a natural flirt, but you can’t stop the slightest blush from appearing on your cheeks when he directs his flirtatious energy at you. Before you can reply to him Connie blurts out,

“Dude where have you been? I've been getting slaughtered in game without you.”

“Sorry bro, one of my coworkers had an emergency and I had to cover the last couple of clients he had coming in. You guys wanna go get a drink?”

You immediately close your textbook and push your chair back from the table making Jean laugh.

“That bad huh? First round is on me then.”

“I appreciate it. Sorry you had to work late.”

“Nah it was nothing really. I’m just sorry I kept you waiting.”

“Yeah, you better be.”

Jean pretends he’s hurt by your sarcasm before going to his bedroom to change out of his work clothes. Connie asks if it would be okay if he invites Mikasa and Annie. You see no problem with that, in fact, you get a little excited at the idea of getting to know them both better.

Jean comes back out of his room in joggers and a loose fitting t-shirt with the Vans logo on it. You try to distract yourself from looking at the casual flex of his muscles as he stretches his arms up over his head. Connie decides he’d prefer to walk, so you guys set out for Sina on Tap. You listen to Connie tell Jean all about his plan to find a girlfriend tonight as you hold back the urge to poke fun at him. Once you get inside you see Mikasa and Annie at the bar throwing back a couple of shots and you can’t wait to have one yourself. You know you’ve been in need of a break and a good distraction from school, so you’re hoping you can let loose tonight. Mikasa sees you and the boys and she waves you over to her. Connie gives Annie a little half hug and asks her what they were drinking and then turns to Jean,

“Well Jean, you said first round on you right buddy? That’ll be 3 tequila shots, we’ve gotta catch up to them.”

Jean orders your shots for you and you take it back no problem with a swift bite into the slice of lime on the rim. You feel Annie’s eyes on you and you turn to try and start a conversation with her.

“So what made you want to go into kinesiology?”

“I originally picked it at random cause I thought the pay would be worth it, but at this point I actually find it really interesting. What about you? You’re in neuroscience right?”

“Yeah, I want to work on neurological solutions for hearing loss. I would be devastated if I wasn’t able to listen to music or hear my friend’s voices anymore.”

“Wow, that’s a pretty big goal. That’s cool.”

Annie talked to you for a while longer before Connie challenged her to a match of pool and Mikasa followed them over to the tables. You looked at Jean and joked that Connie pulled two girls instead of his usual zero and he chuckled. You guys just sat and sipped your beers for awhile before Jean asked you,

“So what do you think about Annie?”

“She’s cool, I still don’t really know her, but I feel like we could be friends.”

“Nice. I know that would make Connie happy.”

“I wanted to ask about that, do Connie and Annie have some kind of history? I saw the way he looked at her when we first walked in, and I don’t know if I’ve ever seen him initiate a hug.”

“Annie and Connie? Nah, no chance. She and Reiner were super close and Connie helped her through her depression after he and Bertholdt moved across the country. I know it was her choice to stay here, but I think it really hurt her to be left behind.”

“Damn, I can imagine so. I’m glad she has Connie then, and based on what I’m seeing right now I’m glad he has her too.”

You and Jean both look back over at the pool table where you see Connie attempting trickshots behind his back. You notice the way Mikasa is watching Annie laugh at Connie’s performance, and with some observation you start to understand their dynamic a little bit. You watch Mikasa’s eyes trail down Annie’s body taking in her tight black jeans and her oversized flannel. You see her eyes flit back up to Annie’s smile in an instant with adoration on her face. You turn back to Jean to confirm your suspicions,

“Are Mikasa and Annie…”

Jean cuts you off,

“Dating? I don’t think so. Mikasa has always seemed protective of Annie even though Annie can absolutely take care of herself. I don’t know if the attraction goes both ways though. I’ve never asked.”

You look back over at the scene unfolding in front of you and realize you’re a bit envious of Annie. You wish you had someone that looked at you with the level of care that Mikasa’s face is conveying. It’s been a couple of years since you’ve let anyone get close to you emotionally. Your mind trails off into thoughts about the last relationship you were in. A relationship that left you feeling like domestic life was a cage. It’s not that you wanted to date tons of people or sleep around, but you felt like you were constantly being told how to live your life and truthfully, your ex had some beliefs about traditional gender norms that became a major turn-off. Jean must have noticed that you were staring off into space cause when you snapped back to the present you heard him ask,

“Were you even listening to me?”

“I’m sorry, I got caught in my brain. What did you say?”

“I was just talking about how it always seemed like Annie had feelings for Reiner, but nevermind about that. You okay?”

“Yeah, I’m alright, just some memories from the past.”

“You wanna talk about it?”

“Not particularly.”

“Okay… you wanna drink about it?”

You laugh at Jean’s successful attempt to bring you back to earth. He flags the bartender over and orders you a couple more beers and another shot. You both throw your shots back with ease and decide to take your beers over to the pool table to join your friends. To everyone’s amusement Annie is showing Connie the right way to attempt a trickshot from behind the back. She sinks the 10 ball in the side pocket and smirks at Connie. Connie shrugs his shoulders trying to appear unimpressed, but you can see the boyish excitement tugging at the corners of his mouth. You watch as Connie and Annie finish their game with Annie easily pocketing all of the stripes in just a few turns. After she sinks the 8 ball she turns to ask who wants to face the winner and Jean jumps at the opportunity. You watch as Annie meticulously reracks the balls and lines up the cue. You notice the rings on her fingers, gemstones wrapped in delicate wire, dainty enough to appear feminine, but drawing enough attention to her hands to feel a bit sensual. You watch her shoot the breaking shot sinking the 3 ball. The raise of her eyebrows conveying careful consideration of what her next move will be. She sinks the 6, 2, and 5 balls before she just slightly misses her shot on the bright-yellow 1 ball. Jean observes the table with a fervent look in his eyes.

“Damn, you’re not going to make this easy for me.”

“Why would I? Can’t keep up Kirschtein?”

You giggle in admiration of the confidence rolling off of Annie’s tongue. Jean looks over at you with a shocked look of betrayal on his face. He can be so dramatic when he gets competitive.

“You’re rooting for her now!? I thought we were friends.”

You roll your eyes at him and smirk at Annie.

“Can’t argue with talent, and from what I’ve seen Annie is the most talented player in the room tonight.”

Annie gives you a shy smile and you can’t tell if it’s the low lighting playing tricks on your eyes or if a light blush really did just spread over her freckled cheeks. You realize it must be the latter when you notice Mikasa glaring at you from behind her beer bottle as she takes a long sip. There’s a fluttering in your stomach that you can’t ignore as you realize the guys are looking back and forth between you and Mikasa trying to assess what just happened. Jean breaks the tension by lining up to take his first shot on the table. He sinks the 11 ball and just barely misses the corner pocket with his following shot. Annie lines up her next shot and makes quick work of the 1, and 4 balls before she asks Connie to grab her another beer from the bar. By the time Connie comes back Jean has managed to sink three shots before missing the fourth. He walks around the edge of the table to where you’re standing and leans into your ear to ask you what the hell you’re thinking by flirting with Annie like that. You tell him you didn’t mean for it to come across flirtatiously. Truthfully though, you have always thought Annie was beautiful. You start mulling over all the times you’ve seen her around campus in her doc martins and her layered crystal necklaces. Always listening to music with her bulky headphones on over her sleek blonde hair pulled back in an effortless bun. You feel a tension pooling inside of you and you don’t dare look over at Annie or Mikasa for fear that they might see your thoughts written on your face. This is the first time you’ve ever consciously considered Annie in this way and you get flustered by the flood of thoughts rushing to your head. Connie’s hand on your shoulder startles you enough to shift your focus and you see that he’s gotten you another beer. You must’ve had at least five beers and two shots by now, and you can feel the warmth coming over your body as the alcohol affects your senses. The game wraps up nicely with Annie sinking the 8 ball as effortlessly as breathing, and Jean and Mikasa make their way to close their tabs at the bar. Jean walks back over to you and Connie to ask if you’re ready to go.

“Yeah I’m ready, you didn’t have to pay the full tab though. I thought you were just buying the first round.”

“It’s no problem. You and Connie can split the next one for me.”

“Deal.”

You say bye to Annie and Mikasa taking note of the tension on Mikasa’s face when you address her. You realize this might become an issue, but the alcohol has caught up to you at this point and you decide to pocket that thought for another time. As you walk back to Connie and Jean’s apartment with them you decide you don’t want to call an uber to take you home, so you ask them if it’s okay if you crash on their couch.

“You know you don’t need to ask us. You’re always welcome at our place,” Connie says lightheartedly.

This wouldn’t be the first time you’ve stayed at their place overnight. There have been several instances when you haven’t had the energy to drive home after a late night study session, or haven’t wanted to spend the money on an uber. You’re always grateful that the guys let you stay whenever you need to, and you always keep an extra change of clothes and a toothbrush in your backpack. You walk up the stairs following Connie’s lead and make your way into the apartment. Connie asks you if you’d like to take a shower and offers up his bathroom to you. As much as you would like to feel refreshed before bed you don’t have anything to sleep in except the shirt you’re already wearing.

“I don’t have anything to sleep in if I shower; the only clothes I’ve got in my backpack are jeans and a crop top.”

Jean mocks your unpreparedness and offers you one of his t-shirts for the night. You kindly accept his offer and tell Connie that he can shower first if he wants to. Connie obliges and makes his way down the hall to his room and bathroom. You sit opposite Jean on the couch and he asks you if you want to watch a show while you wait for the shower. He puts on a random episode of Bob’s Burgers and asks if you want anything to drink. While he’s in the kitchen getting you a water bottle your mind starts to linger back on the thought of Annie blushing at your compliment. The thought of her beautiful freckled cheeks blushing just for you forces a sheepish smile to your lips. Before you can catch yourself Jean comes back into the room,

“What are you smiling about?”

“Oh, um, nothing. I think the tequila is making me loopy.”

“Since when are you a lightweight?”

“Since tonight I guess.”

It’s a horrible cover up for your real thoughts, but it’ll do for now. Connie comes back into the living room shortly after and tells you that his bathroom is all yours. You ask Jean to get you one of his t-shirts like he said, and he tells you to go pick one out for yourself. You go into his room and open his closet door to look for the softest shirt you can find. It’s a black shirt with the Guns and Roses logo on it. You walk back into the living room and ask him if that one is okay. He says it’s fine, so you walk down the hall to Connie’s bathroom to take your shower. Once you step in under the hot water you realize how wet you are. You can’t believe the thought of Annie got you this aroused, after all you barely know her. Your hand dances around your clit for a moment while thinking of her. You feel a need growing inside of you and you slowly slip two of your fingers inside your slit hoping you can take care of yourself before going back out into the living room. You move your fingers in and out of yourself at just the right pace and feel the pressure in your body building. You curl your fingers up into the spot that will send you over the edge. You come thinking about Annie’s cute little face underneath your pussy. After riding out your orgasm, you realize you’ve been in the shower longer than need be, so you wash yourself off quickly and hop out of the shower as fast as possible to avoid suspicion. You wrap yourself up in a towel and brush your teeth. You feel the warmth left over from your orgasm in your legs and it makes your pussy start to ache with need. You know you can’t do anything about it since you’ve already been in the bathroom much longer than you should’ve been, so you decide you’ll take care of it once the guys are asleep. You throw on Jean’s t-shirt and pause a moment to take in the distinct smell of him that lingers on it. You’ve never noticed Jean’s natural scent before, but now that you’re enveloped in his t-shirt you can’t help but take it all in. When you walk back into the living room Jean and Connie are both gone. You hear Jean’s shower running and assume Connie went to bed. You see the folded blankets they left for you, and you go to work making the couch into a bed. Once you’ve laid down you realize how warm your body is. You can’t tell if it’s because of the alcohol, the arousal, or both. You start to move your hand towards your clit when you hear Jean’s shower turn off. A few minutes later he comes into the living room to ask you if you need anything else for the night. You tell him you’re all set, and he tells you goodnight. Once he closes his door you let your hands wander to your breasts, pinching your nipples and massaging them with greed. One of your hands instinctively travels down to your clit where you start rubbing small circles making yourself squirm underneath your own touch. You inch your fingers further down into the pool of warmth forming between your legs. You’re so wet it’s almost embarrassing. You start fucking your pussy with your fingers, doing your best to suppress a moan as your back arches up from the couch. Your free hand is groping your breasts as you feel yourself spasming around your fingers. You move your free hand to your clit and start rubbing it delicately to avoid overstimulation. Your body is on fire with an aching need as you slam your eyes shut imagining Annie kissing down your body and sucking on your breasts. Your fingers are curling inside you and your body is spasming in response numbing all your senses. You open your eyes and freeze when you see Jean staring at you by his bedroom door, shocked.

chapter 2

#lmaoooo i have no idea what this is #but it popped in my brain one night #so here it is lmao #jean x reader #annie x reader #attack on titan fanfiction #aot fanfiction #aot smut #jean kirschstein x reader #annie leonhart x reader #i have never written an x reader #I usually write two characters together #so this was new for me #questionable decisions

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cathrynworrell · 10 months ago

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The only 2 things you need to make art

I loved art and design at school but it took me a while to find my way back to making drawings and paintings.

I studied a very academic subject at university and took a brief detour into teaching, but being diagnosed with a chronic illness led me to rediscover how much I enjoyed being creative.

During the early days of being ill, whenever I had a pocket of energy I would find some comfort in doing some simple sewing or crafting handmade greeting cards.

Every so often I would pick up a pencil and have a go at drawing something but it had been so long since I’d done that, that my drawings were inevitably imperfect. So I would lose patience (and energy) and give up.

Thanks to Danny Gregory’s Book The Creative License I started to draw with a pen for the first time and sank into the process of drawing which felt meditative.

During a conversation with some fellow artists where we were discussing our favourite and newly discovered art materials, I sparked a momentary silence by declaring, “In the end, all you need is a pen and some paper” which nicely sums up what I want to share today.

Sometimes it’s easier to get on with making art if you keep your tools really simple. And the simplest way to make art is with just 2 tools:

1. A pen

Nothing fancy, just choose a pen. That ballpoint pen sitting on the coffee table will work just fine. Don’t put extra pressure on yourself to use or find the ‘perfect’ pen. Doing that’s a really good way to procrastinate and avoid making a start on a drawing.

Just find the nearest pen and use that. Once you’re in the swing of making drawings regularly, consider rewarding yourself with something a bit more fancy, but don’t let the sparkle of shiny new art materials become a barrier to making art.

And yes, I know, it can feel really scary to dive straight into a drawing with a pen. There’s nowhere to hide and no possibility of erasing your lines. But if you embrace the slight wonkiness and imperfections you might start to realise they’re nothing to be afraid of. Accept that a line might not be at the perfect angle and redraw it or just go with it, it doesn’t really matter.

But observing, really looking at what you’re drawing and transferring what you see onto paper with your own marks might start to become something you can truly lose yourself in. Maybe you’ll begin to enjoy the process so much that the outcome of your drawing is secondary to the experience.

And yes, when you first start out you might still feel disappointed or frustrated with the results. But if you haven’t drawn in years, or since you were a child maybe, then your ‘drawing muscle’ is going to take a bit of time to get into shape.

In the meantime, though, be brave, dive in with a (any) pen, observe your surroundings and make some marks.

2. Some paper

Again, don’t overthink this. Have you got a printer? Take a piece of paper from there. Sticky note? That’ll do.

The most memorable drawing I ever did wasn’t fancy, wasn’t my best drawing, but it’s stayed with me. It was drawn on a piece of printer paper with a pen that was just lying around the house.

Maybe at some point, you’ll want to explore all the different kinds of papers and find a sketchbook that feels good to use. But make things as easy as possible to get moving. It’s the equivalent of going for regular walks or runs before you sign up for an expensive gym membership.

You might even have a notebook sitting around somewhere so once you’ve used a few pieces of printer paper or sticky notes, why not see if you can fill all the pages in that notebook?

Just don’t overcomplicate things. Don’t make excuses like “I’ll just go to the art supply shop at the weekend and then I’ll start drawing.”

Embrace the wonky, shaky, wobbly lines. When you look back at those drawings you’ll remember what it felt like to make those marks. Each one tells a story.

In the end, all you need is a pen and some paper. And the best pen and the best paper are those that you have right now. Making art isn’t about having the perfect tools, it starts with making beautiful, imperfect marks with simple materials. Give it a go. What’s the worst that can happen?

#drawing #art supplies #art materials #paper #pen #how to

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muffindaddystyles · 3 years ago

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Summary: Y/N's feeling icky about her body, but Harry loves her to bits and pieces, through thick and thin, in health and sick — and he always waits for her to come back to him.

TW: Body dysmorphia.

Y/N's healthy.

All she sucks in is having a sane sleeping schedule due to her UNI otherwise she eats natural goodies, cook and bake home because it comforts her more that way and she works out every evening to stay fit.

Sometimes though, she’s lazy and lacks behind which’s proper humane but deep down it effects her and her mental health more than she admits and she isn’t able to start over again – it mostly happens after her periods.

Harry loves her the way she’s.

Even if she’s clumsy, bumbling, procrastinating, overly enthusiastic to mend her life at 3 am, snotty and sloth-y in her periods, confident and positive around people, kind and loving whenever she comes to meet him, whiny and cuddly when she’s sick, jealous and grumpy with his attention not on her —- he loves her in every way possible, to rivers and to sea his love could never stutter for her ever.

He loves how she’s not overly toned, having soft squishy spots which Harry undeniably wants to admire and kiss shamelessly amount of times -- like -- her plummy pretty thighs that Harry likes to nestle his head in-between making her wriggle and squirm under his grasp, her overly cute tummy that Harry dies to pepper sweet adoring kisses and petal his lips round her belly button, everytime they’re cuddled up his bicep’s always looped her around her tummy to feel it rising up and down in calm rhythm, and oh! her tender titties, they’re actually his favourite babies and he loves to fondle them in his big calloused palms brushing his thumb over the sensitive perky nub and basks in the glittery whimpery mewls of hers.

He loves that she’s curvy and gives zero fucks if she’s skinny or not.

He thinks his baby’s perfect.

So perfect he actually feels the bubbling of devotion and affection filling to the brim of his heart’s chambers and leaking out and upon his ribs tickling him.

Y/N's his person and he worships her with his whole heart.

From some days though, she’s feeling devastatingly insecure about all her things Harry’s in love with and she has no-control over it how much she tries.

Harry’s observing that all with optimism (one of his great quality's that like a lion sly about his prey, he keeps an eye on everything but pretends otherwise). He has his intense gaze fixed on her when she’s taking a look of herself in the mirror for rather too long, running her hands down her body and practically shuddering.

He glances from over his laptop and drops everything he's doing watching her go monkies, sweating buckets and over exercising than her usual time.

He brings her closer and infront of him, pressing her to his chest and coiling his forearm around her shoulders whining a, “Baby..!” when they were brushing their teeth and despite of standing beside him and teasing him occasionally like she usually does she stuffs her face into the crest of his back and hides herself there to have minimal contact with her reflection in the mirror.

Her body dysmorphia spiking dangerously high.

“Deprived me of your cuddles. woke me up so early, granny.” She huffs lying through her teeth and how much his embrace was strong enough to keep her in place she still managed to wiggle out taking her previous cosy position, but he could feel her muscles tensing and an awkward silence falling over them.

He didn’t pry much. He wants to give her as much space as she requires to come back to him hale and hearty, as she always does and whatever happens he never forgets to remind her how much he loves her every night.

They were watching rom-coms on Netflix back to back with her curled up into his side with a spongy white wool knitted blanket thrown over them and his cheek was smashed atop her head popping in peanuts every now and then when out of certain she spoke pointing at the actress, “You know she got her ribs removed to get that shrinky waist.” Harry frowned at that. His face itching into disbelief and concern under the bouncing glow of telly.

He affixes his gaze down at her trying to read what’s cooking up in that genius brain of her's which isn’t being very rational and genius right now, they immediately turns soft and caring when she blinks up at him purely.

She squeaks, nose crashing against his collarbones when he scooches her up in his lap grabbing onto her knees to make her straddle his torso and he grumbles cutely when she tries not put all of her weight on him and doesn’t melts into him as his sweet lovie would used to do receiving a smack on her bum on his end.

He’s afraid that an evil version of her chomped onto his dear baby alive.

“Nothing else matters if all ye’ organs are packed safely and healthily inside you,” He tells her brushing loose frays of her hair behind her earlobe and rubs his thumb in gentle strokes over her treacly pulsing point, “Was just telling you ...” She mumbles, dotting touches on his knuckles and playing with his bare cold fingers.

It’s true, she was rambling out facts about the movie and cast out of habit because no-way she’d ever go through any surgeries to change herself to become someone she isn’t.

“Swear!” She yawps out in convincing high pitch when Harry squints down at her with his lips scrunched, one eye twitching in doing so.

“Alrighty. I believe you.” He cradles her cheeks in his palms and brings her mighty close to him to peck her cupid bow, then her bottom lip and the corners of her smiling mouth to suckle generous amount of whines from her and then kisses her lovingly – hands streaming down her spine and then resting atop her dip.

He thought she was ready to come back to him, to share her problem with him and Harry really wanted to bug in, to not let her fight her battle alone and take half of her hardships from her fretting self but guess not.

They were about to have sex when panic seeped in Y/N's eyes and her cheeks blazed up in that of embarrassment as she rushed to switch off the lamps that were the only source of light in their room.

“Moppet.” Harry sighed, knowing exactly what’s happening and she isn’t as foxy in covering it up as she’s thinking herself to be.

“Why wouldn’t y'want me t'see gorgeous self of yours?” His tone punctured and hurt, feeling useless for not knowing how to cheer her up and break her worries down. He smoothens his hands behind her to lock his arm around her waist, fingertips making grape sized indents into the flesh of her hip-bone as she streaks the tip of her nose up and down the crook of his neck, murmuring meekly against his salty skin while he hugs her warmly.

“’M just feelin’ shy.” He giggles at her response puckering his lips against her hairline to pet tiny, tiny kisses there as she fists her hands against his taught chest.

“Not somethin’ I haven’t seen before, love bug.” He blows raspberries against the underside of her jaw and their mouths meet into a messy, giggling, teeth clanking kiss when she sinks into pillows allowing him to cocoon her in his heat.

“I love you, Y/N. No matter what.”

The last dam breaker for them was this little get together at Sarah and Mitch's baby shower.

She matched her outfit with Harry. Cute lavender coloured little sweater blouse that was familiar to the baggy baby yarn cardigan Harry was wearing, it accentuated her curves and her bosom so prettily -- her midriff peeking from where the buttons weren’t closed and their jeans were painted (they did it themselves one Sunday when it was extra boring and inactive).

Y/N felt uncomfortable in her own clothes. A bitterness spreading inside her for herself and all she wanted was to escape away from her own skin.

She knows she’s loved and welcomed and cherished by her friends and family and the love of her life, most importantly. Then why was she feeling so icky about herself? Why everything's draining her and exhausting her?

Harry obviously could see through the gloomy tenebrous energy overshadowing her as he stood in the corner of the room grabbing the sorbet he poured in two glasses for them.

A sour guzzle of tears choking his throat and his limbs weakening letting the painful heartbreak seep into him when he watches her being fidgety and fiddling with the loops of her jeans, tugging her blouse every passing second and he’s sniffling a hiccup deep in his lungs when she shrinks into herself in dejection staring out of the window without any purpose.

Harry feels awful to startle her when he plops down beside her, coodling her closer to himself and tucks her head beneath his chin subtly and cups his palm under her jaw to make her look in eyes his eyes.

“Hi beautiful,” His tone had a saddening waver in it and his irises mossed bleak when Y/N remains unresponsive, zoning in and out of her own head feeling herself prisoned into her own invasive thoughts.

“You w'na go home darling?” He gives her a wet smile clearing his throat and blinking the stubborn moisture in his eyes away when Y/N nodded without any vivid expression.

All the way back home he denounced himself of not making her feel loved enough, to not to pest her soon about what she’s feeling and letting her slide deeper into the dark hole.

He thinks he’s a piece of shit.

Y/N wanted to dig the earth with her own nails and hide into it and never show her face again, she was overly ashamed of herself.

His hand was holding onto hers tightly, never letting it go as he led them through the hallway and his head perked up in confusion when she stopped them abruptly and lunged to wrap herself around him like he’s the last silver of her hope and the reason to live.

“I’m so sorry, so sorry.” There comes the first sob after ages of suffering and bottling it all in, not shocked at all he was expecting it to happen. Gently he picks her up and wraps her legs around him, keeping his support firm under her bum as she cried into his soft white t-shirt.

Carefully he sits them on the edge of the bed and tries to pry her soaky flushed face in his cradle but she refuses to show him, clutching onto his cardigan and whimpering brokenly.

“I just feel so disgusting,” Her sob scratches out of her throat and for a second he thought he heard her wrong, that her feeble crying’s playing some kind of a sick game with his heart.

“Harry do something I don’t want to feel disgusting.” But, when she pleaded helplessly a cold shiver settled in his bone marrow spreading an agonising burn in his stomach.

Gently he stirs her away from his chest to look at her, meeting their foreheads together while his thumb wiped her tears away and smoothed over her wabbly lips in profound tenderness.

“My beloved,” He whispers fondling his nose against hers and her eyes flutters into realm of calms, shaky breath falling over his lips as he brings her trembling fingertips towards them and pecks them feverishly.

“The love of me life, me heart.” He continues, “Shhh. Shh baby ‘s okay to cry but don’t tire y'self.” He hushes her when she whimpers loudly at his coy affirmation.

“I’m here with you, waiting f'you, watching y’goin’ through a stony path so I could be there to hold you whenever you trip –-,” He pets her hair, cupping the back of her neck to plant his lips bitten red from worry to her puffy damp eyelids and Y/N becomes a gooey lax of candle that’s been burning for tiring amount and finally her lover came to blew the agonising flame away putting her to peace as he coos snuggling her in his cordial embrace, “You’ve been so strong to yourself and ‘m so proud of me baby.”

“I’m always here. Never away from you, always right by y'side.” His palms bending around her ribs to smush her as intimately close as possible.

“How d'ya want your huggies babylove?” He simpers down at her darlingly, huffing out in relief seeing her relaxing -- her shoulders sinking from him massaging the knots in them.

“Tight.” She mumbles timidly. The gleam in her glossy eyes returning when Harry hugs her as she wished, squishing her in right places and not suffocating her at all – their breaths in sync chests flushed against eachother.

“I love you cuddly, and care f’you.” He kisses her on lips then goes to hug her right back.

“I love you too, Har. Thank you.” She sniffs in his woodsy scent grazing her touch up and down his back, smooching a soft kiss at his cheek.

#ME WRITING AN OVERLY EMOTIONAL AND SELF DESTRUCTING PIECE #yahoooooooo yipeee #soft tender harry lives in my heart rent free #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles imagines #harry styles dirty one shotsssss #harry styles one direction #harry styles blurb #harry styles smut #harry angst #harry styles #cute harry #dirty harry styles imagines #harry styles fluff imagine #harry smut #fluff #hsh #dom harry

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himitsu-luna · 3 years ago

Text

Headcanon

࣪𑁍˖՚༹⌒ Domestic chores with Nct 127 ⌒ ༹՚˖𑁍 ࣪

ᨳ☆‧˚Taeil

Taeil always feels kinda discouraged to start doing the chores, and he drags you along on procrastinating with him

"Come here, Y/N, stay with me a little bit more! Let's cuddle five more minutes, okay?". You agree, ofc, and you stay on the bed for a little too long, talking about the zillion things you have to do, but not having the guts to leave each other's arms.

When you start cleaning the house though, he really gets into it. No dirty spots and no dusty surfaces escape his strong hands.

He plays the most random songs, from classic music to heavy EDM, and you vibe together while doing the chores, bouncing with your brooms in hands and spinning your stained cloths in the air.

In the kitchen, he always gladly cooks for you. But after a long tiring day doing domestic chores, you both agree on ordering some food, spending the night just chilling, watching a movie in the middle of which Taeil probably will fall asleep.

ᨳ☆‧˚Johnny

Johnny is the one who organizes the chores at home. He assigns what each one needs to do, and there you go, his high energy overflowing from his body, encouraging you and providing you the ignition you needed.

"I clean up here, you clean down there" - he says with a suspicious smirk. You don't know if he is making fun of you or if he is being considerate.

He needs his coffee pauses, and he makes you take a break too. You talk about the most random daily things, which always leads to precious bonding moments, the kitchen getting filled with laidback laughs.

Then you continue your activities, in your own pace, jamming to some soft background music.

Johnny likes to offer you rewards. "If we finish this today, I'll buy us some nice ice cream, and then I'll take you to the movies. Deal?"

ᨳ☆‧˚Taeyong

Taeyong has the most endearing way of convincing you that it's time to do some domestic chores. "Y/N, come hereeee! It's time for a couple activity!! I even got us matching rubber gloves, look!"

He doesn't let you do heavy tough stuff though. But when you see him struggling by himself and run to help him, he gives you the most precious smile, full of admiration and gratitude. A cute "Thank yoou!" (yes, in his cute english <3) leaves his mouth.

But there's one thing about doing chores with him that is a bit trick: he loves to rearrange the furniture and decoration. It's always extra tiring, but you have to give him the credit for your house being so cool and stylish.

Taking care of your pets is something that consumes a lot of time, but Taeyong does everything with happiness and sparkly eyes.

He makes sure you have some breaks, to keep hydrated and to eat something. He will prepare you some sandwiches, while you start to plan a little trip to the grocery shop.

ᨳ☆‧˚Yuta

Yuta and you have this synchronicity and telepathy. You think "I guess it's time to sweep the front yard". You get your broom and everything, and when you step out the house, Yuta is already there, cleaning everything.

"Oh, you had the same idea! Well, you can...", he says. "Oh, I guess I will...", you start. "....do the laundry.", you two say at the same time, smiling at each other.

He tries to do things in "Marie Kondo style". He takes a long time folding your clothes, but it's worth the effort. Your wardrobe is a beautiful piece of art.

If he thinks something is dangerous for you, he definetely won't let you do it. Changing the lamp? No no no! It's not that he thinks you're not capable of doing things, he knows you can do anything. He just can't live with the possibility of you getting hurt.

After a day of hard work, you take a warm bath together, and stay in bed for the rest of the night.

ᨳ☆‧˚Doyoung

Like Johnny, Doyoung assigns the chores. He knows the things each one of you is good at.

But he is the type of person that sees you doing something, and automatically says "Wait baby, let me do it for you", or starts helping you, out of habit.

For example: you're doing the dishes, you wash part of the things in the sink, and then you start to rinse them. Doyoung takes the opportunity to sneakily snatch the dish sponge and, it's too late, he won't give it back to you. "Don't get used to it though", he says with a little grin. You grin back, because you lost count of how many times you've heard this same sentence.

You have a lot of plants at home, and Doyoung treats them like real babies. He even bought one for you, a baby tree of your favorite fruit.

Cooking is his thing, so he makes sure you have a nice, delicious and nutricious meal everyday.

ᨳ☆‧˚Jaehyun

Jaehyun will gladly do anything you ask him to do with the best of intentions, and he does his best to help.

He looks at the weather forecast to see when it's a good day to do the laundry, he sorts the garbage for recycling, he researches the supermarkets with the best prices, and does other little things that seem unimportant, but that are truly essential.

He likes vaccuing very dirty places. The satisfaction he gets from seeing the clean path that the vaccum leaves among the dirty is priceless.

But he is clumsy, so you know you can't let him get near the fragile stuff. So the kitchen is a little bit dangerous for him

If he can't help you with something, he makes sure to support you, like a real cheerleader. "Oh yessss honey! You're doing great, wow!That's my baby!!", he says, already massaging your shoulders.

ᨳ☆‧˚Winwin

Winwin sees you getting ready to start cleaning, and he asks you what he can do to help, while wearing your spare cute apron, which makes you smile like a fool.

He follows you and do what you do, ocasionally asking you if the things he is doing are good enough.

He is extra careful when hanging the clothes out on the clothesline, making sure to spread them well to avoid any wrinkles. He knows none of you like ironing, and also you burned yourself once, and he doesn't want this to happen ever again.

He spends a considerable amount of time making your bed, changing the bed linen, tyding up the sheets and smoothing the pillows, so you can feel good in a clean space and relax with him after working hard all day long.

ᨳ☆‧˚Jungwoo

Jungwoo is very good at domestic chores. He is a tidy and organized person, so things go smoothly in your house

He has the ability of turning every boring task into a pleasant and funny experience. Out of sudden you're having a broomstick battle. Out of sudden you're blowing soap bubbles. Out of sudden you're with white flour blots all over your face, after a spontaneous flour smudge battle.

For your surprise, he is excelent on fixing things. His creativity helps him a lot, along with a couple of YouTube videos and a degree on engineering.

Times just flies by his side, and you get surprised when you see the sun going down by your window, as he streches his back and says "we're finally done!", pulling you for a little celebration dance.

Jungwoo doesn't want to cook after doing domestic chores all day long. He orders an amount of food that could feed well ten people, and you eat a lot while watching some nice series.

ᨳ☆‧˚Mark

Mark always tries his best at everything. He knows he is a little bit clumsy, so he does things carefully. Thank God he has spider senses.

A chore that is supposed to be finished in ten minutes takes thirty to be completed, but it's completely fine, because you know it will be perfectly done.

He used to get confused with all the types of cleaning products, but he eventually learned about them all and now he knows anything's purpose just by smeling it. "Mmmm very soft floral smell, must be clothes soap/ Very strong and citric, I guess this is disinfectant" (pls people, don't be like this, it's dangerous for everyone!!!)

At the end of the day, he is so satisfied looking at your team work. You can see it on his little proud smile, while he runs an arm over your shoulders and distractedly kisses your cheek.

ᨳ☆‧˚Haechan

Haechan whines for two minutes before starting doing chores, but he is a man of action after all. "The sooner we start it, the sooner we'll finish it", he says to himself.

You play rock paper scissors to decide who will be the one that will do the unpleasant chores, like cleaning the bathroom and taking the garbage out.

But hearing your heavy sigh after losing for him makes him go "ahh ok, I'll do it, don't worry, but it will cost you twenty kisses!"

He doesn't stop singing while doing the chores. He is like a walking karaoke machine,he knows every song you ask him to sing.

When he cooks for you, you often catch him talking to his mom on the phone, asking her about that dish you liked so much the last time you visited her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

•° Thanks anon, for the request!! I hope you like it!

•° taglist - @soleilsuhh @black-swvn @cupidluvstarrz @kpopsnowball @kaepopsicle @purplepsycho03 @najatheangel @dundun-baby @haifengg @intokook @emuava @reallylikethevibeshere @cafemochi

* If you want to be added to or removed from the taglist, just send me an ask or a message (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧

•° Masterlist

...

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young-dumb-and-vaccinated · 3 years ago

Text

The Cult Girl (Hannibal x Female!Reader) pt. 1

This is my first time publishing any of my reader insert work so don’t be too hard on me. Y/N is a psych student that needs a favor and asks her therapist for help. Lmk if you want to see more.

It was an unmistakable conflict of interest, your relationship with Hannibal. He was your therapist, your mentor, your partner, and many years your senior to boot. You recognized this monumental power imbalance. You put on a façade of embarrassment for the people who expected it; people whose proclivities were done in the shadows and therefore easier to get away with. Why should you be expected to rationalize your loving, mutually beneficial relationship to a person who regularly cheats on her boyfriend?

You'd dated men your own age before, and without fail, you always found yourself waiting for them to grow up. Hannibal made you feel comfortable. Both emotionally and physically. You had a side of his bed and a spot in his arms to fall asleep in every night. Given the choice, you could truthfully say you'd never want to leave his arms.

Like many unlikely relationships, it didn’t start out in the most romantic of ways. Clutching your laptop under your raincoat, you hesitated knocking. Your therapist had, of course, seen you at your lowest points and was sworn to secrecy, but this was a low you didn’t want even him to see. Standing outside of his home, in the so-incredibly-not-business-hours dead of night with mascara running down your face.

You finally worked up the nerve to knock, telling yourself that he was probably asleep and wouldn’t hear you. This rationalization fell apart when the interior light turned on and the door unlocked. Although you’d been seeing Dr. Lecter for quite a while, his presence never failed to intimidate you. Now it was even worse. His severe expression was fixated on you as he silently awaited an explanation.

“Dr. Lecter...” You lowered your head and fumbled with your computer. You made a point to kiss your last shreds of dignity goodbye before you opened your mouth again. “...could I please borrow a book?”

Dr. Lecter narrowed his eyes. “I take it by the hour, this is an urgent matter, Miss [L/N]?”

“My midterm. It’s due in...” You glanced at your watch. “Eight hours.”

“Well you don’t have a moment to waste, now do you?” Dr. Lecter said, a slight upturn in his voice connoting amusement. “Come in. Let’s find you that book.”

You felt your muscles relax as he stepped aside to let you in. The house was spacious. Much too large for one person. That was really the only thing you could bring yourself to notice before he shut the door behind you.

“Now what is this all-important book of yours called?” He asked, pulling your raincoat from your shoulders like he always did.

“It’s called Thought Reform and the Psychology of Totalism.” You explained, tucking your computer under your arm. “By Robert Jay Lifton.”

“You’re in luck, Miss [L/N].” His thin lips turned up into a smile. “I have a copy from my own years as a student.”

You breathed an audible sigh of relief. You tensed your muscles and held in your excitement at the prospect of something finally going according to plan, even if that plan was your third or fourth backup.

You followed him into his office, which reminded you more of Belle’s library than any workspace you’d ever encountered. He must have had thousands of books in this room alone.

“It’s a fascinating read, but not one you could finish in eight hours.” Dr. Lecter's voice echoed from somewhere in the office, getting lost in the books. “Even for the most ravenous of psychology students, of which I know you to be.”

"Hardly." You muttered under your breath. "If that were the case, I wouldn't be begging for help at 2am before the final paper is due."

"Procrastination is only human, my dear." He assured you, his voice drawing closer. "It's common in those with deep-rooted insecurities about their competency."

"Now that sounds more like me." You joked, leaning back on your heels. "Should you really be trying to validate my bad habits? I feel like that's counterproductive."

"Scolding you would be more counterproductive." He corrected. "You've been scolded many times before and you continue your bad habits. Only when we get to the root of your behavior can you begin to reverse it."

He emerged from the bookshelves and handed you a beat-up copy of Thought Reform and the Psychology of Totalism, which you graciously accepted.

“Thank you so much, Dr. Lecter.” You said, placing your hand over your heart. "I owe you my life."

"I'd hardly equate your life to a used book, Miss [L/N]." Dr. Lecter said. "I feel like, as your therapist, we should talk about why you do."

You looked away, smiling sheepishly. "Maybe sometime in daylight. I've taken up enough of your time as it is. I'll get out of your hair now."

"It would take you more time to get back to your dorm that you could use writing." He said, matter-of-factually. "Write your paper in my office."

You looked at him in disbelief. Your judgment was clouded with energy drinks and desperation. So your usual self-sacrificing polite denial was steamrolled by a very enthusiastic acceptance. "I would be forever indebted to you, Dr. Lecter."

"Miss [L/N]," Dr. Lecter cut in. "You're a student, you need to study."

You didn’t really remember a lot of what happened after you wrapped your arms around his waist, too overwhelmed with gratitude to think if an embrace was even appropriate. It was the middle of the night, so you had an excuse if he shoved you off him. But surprisingly, he didn’t.

You broke the embrace and gathered up your book and computer. “Seriously, I owe you big time for this. You’re really saving my life here.”

“Go write your paper, [F/N].” He ordered. “We can discuss why you conflate your academics and your life during our next appointment. For now, make yourself at home.”

And that you did. Dr. Lecter retired back to bed and you spent a solid four hours typing away. An antique grandfather clock kept count for you. When you couldn’t keep your eyes open any longer, you sent the paper off to your professor, editing be damned. You let sleep compel you, comforted by the fact that you didn't have to think about your paper for at least another week before the grading period was over.

Dr. Lecter’s desk was the most comfortable surface in the world to you that night, because you slept for six hours with only your arms as a pillow. It was the first rest your body had gotten in quite some time. You were gently coaxed awake by the smell of something delicious.

You followed the smell into a kitchen that could rival those of Michelin-starred restaurants. Dr. Lecter was hard at work, cooking something that enticed your nose. He cracked an egg and looked up at you. “Good morning, Miss [L/N].”

“I’m sorry.” You said, shaking your head shamefully.

“For?” He asked, fixing his attention back on his recipe.

“Falling asleep.” You dropped your shoulders.

“I told you to make yourself at home, did I not?” He tilted his head and narrowed his eyes. This time, he sounded like he was actually going to scold you. “Tell me, do you sleep at your desk at home?”

“I try not to.” You answer with a shrug.

“But when you feel yourself falling asleep, you usually put yourself to bed, right?” He continued.

You started to feel a bit stupid. “...yeah.”

He poked at some sausage links in a frying pan, letting out a sizzle. “You could have taken the couch.”

“I guess I was just too sleepy to think of that.” You explained, preparing to be psychoanalyzed no matter what you said.

“No, you were just too polite to push the imagined boundaries of my invitation.” He concluded, busying his hands with plating whatever it was he was making. His tone was comfortingly familiar. “Miss [L/N], don’t sacrifice your comfort for what you think I perceive to be rude. If I found you rude, you’d know it.”

"I'm sorry." You repeated.

"Don't apologize." He said, reaching for the pepper mill. "I know your anxiety disorder makes you feel like you are a burden. I assure you, you are not. I want you to know for next time that the couch is open. Or you could take the guest bedroom."

You stopped yourself before you could apologize again. You momentarily pondered what he had to say before uttering a quiet but convicted "Thank you."

"You're very welcome." Dr. Lecter slid a plate across the table in your direction. "Eat, my dear."

You didn't need to be told twice. You usually didn’t care for sausage, but reconsidered when you took a bite. The meat was so flavorful and rich, a little noise of delight escaped your lips.

Dr. Lecter smiled, your little moan sending his ego through the roof. “You like it?”

“It’s delicious.” You put your fork down, your face flush with embarrassment. “Way better than the food at the dining hall.”

“Miss [L/N],” Dr. Lecter began, putting an extra sausage link on your plate. “If you find yourself in need of psychology texts, I’d be happy to extend my invitation indefinitely.”

You nearly choked on your eggs. “On god?”

“Given that you arrive sometime before midnight and perhaps call ahead, yes.” He answered. “Your studies are your life and breath, after all. You would find yourself very accommodated to here.”

This time, you'd really take him up on his offer.

#hannibal x reader #hannibal x you #hannibal nbc #hannibal lecter #reader insert #first fic #its probably crap #an attempt was made

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vinnieworld · 4 years ago

Text

5 tips to boost 5 days of Productivity

We all love to procrastinate and most of us (including myself) have made sport out of this, but is this how we really should be approaching things?

The answer is NO.... apparently

So join me in my self evaluation of bringing you 5 tips how I avoided procrastination by being a bit lazy.

Being productive for a whole week when you have too much on your plate but you spend your entire weekend scrolling through social media... well me too :)

Though Mondays suck, its a brand NEW week so we can't let Mondays win and ruin out entire week right?

Tip 1 - Preparation before the week start

- Make a to do list - For the next day or the week

A short list of your most prioritised tasks e.g. starting that essay you been avoiding, even if it just picking the ttile

Make sure to not put too much pressure on these tasks

Keep it simple

DO NOT put too many things, be realistic only add things you know you can achieve

Little ramble on how this helped me :)

We all have those sleepless nights, especially when you have a 9am lecture/class the next day. Somehow you end up going to sleep at 4am still make it to your lecture on time, though the rush might be exciting this is not the way to start the week because your mind will get used to this so much and this becomes your normal routine.

Not going to lie, I am super guilty of this but I found out this not only drains my energy, it strips me away from my motivation and make me lazy all the time.

So one bazzare night I thought to myself what would I potentially want to do this coming week, so I got my phone started typing my "potential" to do list for the week, okay the list was quite long and seemed quite overwhelming, and I knew I wouldn't do all of this so though I made the list I didn't put too much pressure on this. When I checked back in the middle of the week I did most of the things on the do to list unconsiously. This was so surprising I never get things done.... what changed ?

Most of the time we put too much pressure ourself, that's why we procrastinate and they avoid the things we need to do. The minute the pressure is gone you get the urge to do your things even if you are unaware of it.

Tip 2 - Follow today's work TODAY

- Follow the lecture and make notes while you're attending the lecture

Take brief notes on what's on the slides

If the lecturer give extra info add those especially

DO NOT panic if you don't write everything on the slide, remember these are brief notes to for later revision

Speed is not important, what's important is that you have something written on the paper

when the lecture/class is finished fill in the gaps you left during it, do this right after while you still have the energy.

one page = one lecture (unless the lecture is 90 slides then its bit tricky)

Little ramble on how this helped me :)

I personally find it very hard to keep on top of things, especially with how different lecturers have different methods and speed with delivering their content. I tried many methods, recording the lectures, printing the slides, handwriting everything but it only made me bored of the things I was learning.

I can't stare at pages and pages of writing when I'm trying to revise, so best way for me to do this is if I have one page or two for the entire lecture. This helped me a lot of condense my notes, motivated me to keep writing and I felt accomplished by the end of every lecture.

Tip 3 - Keep one book for all your modules

- Invest in a chunky subject divider notebook

This is where you write the notes form the previous tip

One book to take to all your lectures, don't have to carry five or more

Write all the assignment and exams for that subject in the dividers (Kinda like a self-reminder)

Keep a general section where you write extra information that relates to the subjects (e.g. extra seminars, extra activity sessions, groups project notes, your own research for subjects, assignment preparation etc. )

Little ramble on how this helped me :)

Most of my detailed notes are digitalised, this is way easier then writing hours and hours of detailed notes by hand. But all the modules, lectures, practicals are separated so it's too much of hassle to find what I want when I want to have a quick glance at something.

Dividing the book by subject and seeing different content I am going to need regularly being on one place really is therapeutic for me, give me less stress so I don't have to spend time looking through pages of notes to find just one sentence.

Having one book for all my modules, helped me so much to keep on motivated to write notes and keep on top of it and when I revisit it, it's so pleasing to the eye.

Tip 4 - Write flashcards on the day

- Put little bit of extra into a flashcard

Once you finished a lecture, read back and pick the most key bits and write a maximum three sentences

Keep it very very brief

Think of pictograms for some words. e.g. little blog with stokes for a virus or a spark for electricity

Some info you can't fit on your page put it on the flashcard, like a diagram or a table

Little ramble on how this helped me :)

I am a sucker for flashcards, seeing them makes me so happy to revise. But making them when an exam is near is frustrating so if you make them before by the time you get your exam season you already have flashcards to revise from. How convenient!

Tip 5 - Write a sentence or research a bit everyday for your assignments

- Every time you feel like you done nothing today take a look assignment and write sentence - Take this step by step everyday and add information along the way

Pick a title first for whatever your assignment is

Do basic research on the title you chose

Do a basic plan

Improve on the basic research

Add information to the plan

and ect....

Little ramble on how this helped me :)

Doing assignments is tricky, very boring, they can be very long and stressful so we avoid even starting it until the day before it's due. Okay, we all work well under pressure but we don't really produce our best work under a day so investing little time everyday or every other helped me to produce more quality work than normal and it was less pressuring and stressful when I started the binge writing on two three days before the deadline, because all the research, preparation is done all I had to do was write and improve my work along the way.

I actually cannot recommend this enough because it saved me from a lot of breakdowns over my assignments. Just by adding something to it every now and then I basically finished my first draft by the time I actually want to start to write properly.

Bonus tip - Take the weekend off! - > If you're like me and get bored very easily with doing the work then follow these tips for the days you have school or uni, finish everything by Friday and take the whole weekend of .... TRUST ME you will be much more prepared for Monday.

Thank you so much ya'll for reading this, I do ramble a lot but it's a part of me that I embrace so I hope this was helpful for you and make sure to tell me your thoughts and feelings.

Till next time Lovelies x

#students #university #productivity #self improvement #study motivation #procrastination #study notes #tips and tricks #study tips

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nim-lock · 4 years ago

Text

Art Career Tips, 2021 Edition

Here’s an edited version of my 2019 answered ask, because... this feels relevant.

It is a problem of capitalism that folks equate their income as a judgement of their value as people; and let me preface. You are worth so much. You have inherent value in this world. Your income is not a judgement on who you are (plenty of billionaires are actively making the world worse). LARPing self-confidence will go a long way to helping you get paid more for your work, because clients will believe that you know what you are doing, and are a professional.

& real quick—my own background is that I’ve been living off my art since 2018. I went to art school (Pratt Institute). I work in a publishing/educational materials sphere, and a quarter of my income is my shop. Not all of this information may apply to you, so it is up to you to look through everything with a critical eye, and spot pick what is relevant.

So there are multiple ways of getting income as an artist;

Working freelance or full-time on projects

Selling your stuff on a shop

Licensing (charging other companies to use your designs)

This post primarily covers the freelance part; if you’re interested in the other bits there is absolutely info out there on the internet.

IF you are just starting (skip to next section if not applicable) dream big, draw often (practice helps you get better/more efficient), do your best to take "a bad piece” lightly. You’re gonna RNG this shit. At some point your rate of “good” works will get higher. Watch tutorial videos & read books. A base understanding of “the rules”; anatomy, perspective, composition, color helps you know what the rules are to break them. This adds sophistication to your work. One way you can learn this stuff is by doing “studies”—you’re picking apart things from life, or things other people have done, to see what works, and how it works.

Trying to turn your interests into a viable career means that you are now a SMALL BUSINESS; it really helps to learn some basic marketing, graphic design, figure out how to write polite customer service emails; etc. You can learn some of this by looking it up, or taking skillshare (not sponsored) classes by qualified folks. Eventually some people may get agents to take care of this for them—however, I do recommend y’all get a basic understanding of what it takes to do it on your own, just so you can know if your agent is doing a good job.

Making sure your portfolio fits the work you want to get

Here is a beginner portfolio post.

Research the field you’d like to get into. The amount people work, the time commitment, the process of making the thing, the companies & people who work for them.

Create work that could fit in to the industry you’re breaking into. For example, if you want to do book cover illustration, you draw a bunch of mockup book covers, that can either be stuff you make up, or redesigns of existing books. If you’re not 100% sure what sort of work is needed for the industry, loop back into the portfolios of artists in a similar line of work as whatever you’re interested in, and analyze the things they have in common. If something looks to be a common project (like a sequence of action images for storyboard artists), then it’s probably something useful for the job.

CLIENTS HIRE BASED ON HOW WELL THEY THINK YOUR WORK FITS WHAT THEY WANT. If they’re hiring for picture books, they’re gonna want to see picture book art in your portfolio, otherwise they may not want to risk hiring you. Doesn’t have to be 100% the project, but stuff similar enough. If you aren’t hired, it doesn’t mean your work is bad, it just wasn’t the right fit for that specific client.

If you have many interests, make a different section of your portfolio for each!

Making sure you’re relevant

Have a social media that’s a little more public-facing, and follow people in the career field you’re interested in. Fellow artists, art directors, editors, social media managers; whoever. Post on your own schedule.

Interact with their posts every so often, in a non-creepy way.

If you’ve made any contacts, great! Email these artists, art directors, editors, former professors, etc occasional updates on your work to stay in touch AND make sure that they think about you every so often.

Show up to general art events every once in a while! If you keep showing up to ones in your area (when... not dying from a sneeze is a thing), folks will eventually start to remember you.��

Industry events & conferences can be pricey, so attend/save up for what makes sense for you. Industry meetups are important for networking in person! In addition to meeting people with hiring power, you also connect with your peers in the community. Always bring a portfolio & hand out business cards like candy.

Active job hunting

Apply to job postings online.

If interested in working with specific people at specific companies, you could send an email “I’d love to work with you, here’s my portfolio/relevant experience”, even if they aren’t actively looking for new hires. Be concise, and include a link to your work AND attached images so the person reading the email can get a quick preview before clicking for more.

Twitter job postings can be pretty underpaid! Get a copy of the Graphic Artists’ Guild Handbook Pricing & Ethical Guidelines to know your rate. I once had a twitter post job listing email me back saying that other illustrators were charging less, and I quote, “primarily because they’re less experienced and looking for their first commission”. This was not okay! For reference, this was a 64-illustration book. The industry rate of a children’s book (~36 pages) is $10k+, and this company’s budget was apparently $1k. For all of it.

Congrats you got a job! Now what?

Ask for like, 10% more than they initially offer and see if they say yes. If they do, great! If not, and the price is still OK, great! Often company budgets are slightly higher than they first tell you, and if you get this extra secret money, all the better for you.

Make sure you sign a contract and the terms aren’t terrible (re: GO GET THE Graphic Artists’ Guild Handbook Pricing & Ethical Guidelines)

Be pleasant and easy to work with (Think ‘do no harm but take no shit’)

Communicate with them as much as needed! If something’s going to be late, tell them as soon as you know so they aren’t left wondering or worse, reaching out to ask what’s up.

And if all goes well, they’ll contact you about more jobs down the line, or refer you to other folks who may need an artist, etc.

Quick note about online shops/licensing and why they’re so good

It’s work that you do once, that you continuously make money off of. Different products do well in different situations (conventions vs. online, and then further, based on how you market/the specific groups you are marketing to), so products that may not do well initially may get a surge later on.

Start with things that have low minimum order quantity and are relatively cheap to produce, like prints and stickers.

If you are not breaking even, go back to some of the earlier portions of this and think about how you could tweak things as a small business. Ease of access is also very important with this; for example, if you only take orders through direct messages, that immediately shuts off all customers who don’t like talking to strangers.

Quick resource that you could look through; it’s the spreadsheet of project organizing that I made a while back

Licensing is when people pay you for the right to use your work on stuff they need to make, like textbooks or greeting cards. This is generally work you’ve already made that they are paying the right to use for a specified time or limited run of products. This is great because you’ve already done the work. I am not the expert on this. Go find someone else’s info.

“I am not physically capable of working much”/ “I need to pay the bills”

Guess who got a hand injury Sept 2020 that messed me up that entire month! I had a couple jobs going at the time that I was terrified of losing, but they were quite understanding when I told them I needed to heal. So: Express your needs as early as you know you need them. Also do lots of stretches and rest your hands whenever you feel anything off; this will save your health later. Like, the potential of a couple months of no income was preferable over losing use of my hands for the rest of my life.

This continues to apply if you have any other life situation. Ask for extra time. Ask for clarification. If you tell people ahead of time, folks are often quite understanding. Know how much you are capable of working and do your best not to overdo it. (I am.. bad at this)

Do what MAKES SENSE for your situation. If doing art currently earns you less money than organizing spreadsheets, then do that for now, and whenever you have the energy, break down some of the tips above into actionable tiny chunks, and slowly work at em.

The original ask I got in 2019 mentioned ‘knowing you’re not good enough yet’. Most artists experience imposter syndrome & self-doubt—the important thing is to do your best, and if anything, attempt to channel the confidence of a mediocre white man. If he can apply to this job/charge hella money for Not Much, then so can you!

Check out this Art Director tumblr for more advice!

Danichuatico’s Literary Agent guide

Kikidoodle’s Shop Shipping Tutorial

Best of luck!

–

Once again disclaimer this post is just the ramblings of a man procrastinating on other things that need to be done. I’ve Long Posted my own post so that it turns into mush in my brain if I try to read it, but I wrote this so I should know this content. If you got down here, congrats. Here’s a shrimp drawing.

Yee Ha.

My reference post tag My tip jar

#reference #artist information #UHHHHH I don't know man

245 notes · View notes

tlhrfanfic · 4 years ago

Text

[Late] Thus With a Kiss I Die

Title: Thus With a Kiss I Die Ship: Late (Nate/Procrastination&Logan) Warnings: Idiot Gays, Kissing, Making Out, Disaster Gays, One Brain cell shared. Cuuuute. Words: 12,444 Request: So this was a Kiss AU list request that was requested by @romantichopelessly for a present for getting lots of stuff done with her Botwot AU: 36. we can never be together.

Summary: Logan was just cast as Juliet in the school play. He is not thrilled. Then he finds out that his crush Nate is Romeo. He's doomed.

Read on AO3

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Logan couldn’t believe it. It wasn’t that he couldn’t believe that a senior class in an all-boys boarding school was doing a play. No, that was statistically likely, all things considered.

What he couldn’t believe, however, was that the school had chosen Romeo and Juliet as the play for the senior class that year.

Why?

They weren’t even changing the genders of the female characters to appear pro-gay or any of the less than moral types of things private institutions did to bring in donators.

“Maybe our parents just thought they’d get a kick out of some of their kids dressing up in drag and talking falsetto.” Logan snorted and glanced at his best friend.

Virgil sighed.

“I’m soooo glad I got the nurse. Yes! No one cares about that old hag’s lines. Smooth sailing.”

Logan glared.

Virgil cleared his throat, shoving his hands into the pockets of his hoodie, and shrugged.

“Yeah… tough luck you got the lead.”

Logan laughed at that and shook his head.

“Thank you.”

Virgil raised a brow. “For what?”

“Most people have been congratulating me.”

Virgil snorted. “Oh, yeah. Well, any time dude.”

Logan sighed and nodded.

“So uh… have you talked with him yet?”

Logan, who currently had his face in his hands, could hear the slight smirk in Virgil’s carefully phrased question. He suddenly longed to glare daggers at his friend but, due to all the excitement, was too exhausted to bother. Definitely not his excitement, but it was felt nonetheless.

“I don’t have any idea to whom you would be referring to Virgil.”

Logan attempted to silence the other with a look but his gamble failed.

Virgil’s smirk widened. “Oh you don’t, do you?”

Logan mustered up the energy to actually glare daggers his way, but there still wasn’t much fire behind it. He sighed.

“What am I going to do?” he asked, a slight whine to his words that he generally avoided.

Virgil sighed as well. “Why are you asking me?”

Logan rolled his eyes and adjusted his glasses.

“One of us is actually in a romantic relationship and it is not me.”

Virgil blushed and shrugged.

“It’s all still very new though so I don’t know what you expect from me here, Lo.”

“How do I get him to like me?”

“Dude, you’ve liked that guy since we started high school. If anyone knows how to get him to like you, it’s you.”

Logan groaned.

“Has Patton been having you listen to those self-growth tapes again?”

Virgil shrugged but smiled softly and, for a moment, Logan smiled as well. He was very pleased to see his friend so happy. “They’re really not so bad.”

“Good to know.”

Logan sighed.

“Why don’t you just tell him?”

Logan looked up at Virgil as if he’d grown an extra head.

“Right. Tell Nate Lassus, whom most of those students who identify as gay or bisexual and/or pan want, that I’ve had a crush on him for three years? Someone who I should not even want because truly, what do we have in common?”

“You mean aside from the fact that you guys like each other and want to kiss each other and make out and do I need to keep going?”

“That does not promote a healthy relationship, Virgil.”

Virgil rolled his eyes. “Then you get to know him and I am certain there is something you guys have in common.”

“Also, he does not like me. Don’t think I didn’t hear that.”

“He does, and I hoped you would.” Virgil stuck out his tongue.

Logan bit his tongue to keep from snapping at his friend. Virgil had been on this whole theory that Nate liked him as well. Which was absolutely absurd and held no merit whatsoever despite Virgil and Patton’s so-called evidence.

“Patton said he looked excited when you were chosen for Juliet. Even looked your way, hoping you were looking at him.”

Logan looked up at Virgil. For a moment, there was a sliver of hope but reality sunk in.

“This is Nate Lassus we are talking about, Virgil. He’s just excited to get to kiss a guy on stage.”

Virgil groaned but dropped the subject. Logan knew that wouldn’t be the last of it, however, he was happy for the break.

»»————　♞　————««

Nate watched as his two best friends fooled around with some of the prop swords backstage. He was currently working on some backgrounds, hammering some pre-cut wood boards that would be used as trees or perhaps castle props or any number of things.

He didn’t do the whole painting bit, but he could definitely manage hammering support pieces of wood to the backdrops.

As he worked, Nate thought back to the assembly when they were informed that a play would be put on and the parts that they would perform. When he had heard his name first, announced along with the name of the play’s male lead, his only thought had been a half-hearted wish.

If only Logan could be my Juliet… he’d thought and then—as if his thoughts had actually held any power at all—Logan’s name had been called and Juliet’s had followed. Nate could only glance at Logan, hoping to see what the other’s reaction had been. Unfortunately, it had looked like… well, not disgust, which was good… but definitely shock and dread. Nate had tried to tell himself that the looks were more about the role he’d been given and had nothing to do with himself.

It felt like a lie, but it made Nate feel better all the same.

“Take that, heathen,” Janus’s crisp voice broke through his thoughts. He glanced up from his spot on the floor as he shifted to the next set of backdrops and supports.

“Never, you scallywag bitch!” Remus cackled and rushed at Janus, the pair’s swords clacked with every strike.

Where Janus actually had had fencing lessons and moved with finesse and experience, Remus struck down with pure force and nothing else. With Janus’s slight frame—at five-foot-four—it would seem that Remus’s strategy could gain him the upper hand. However, it was the smaller teen’s quick and fluid footwork that secured his victory.

As Nate had guessed, Remus’s wood sword was soon sailing across the room, clacking onto the tiled floor. Remus cackled, rather than growing angry, and rushed to get the wooden sword. With the more chaotic of his friends distracted, Janus turned to Nate while continuing to run through different fencing patterns.

Sharp eyes met Nate’s, one a deep brown and the other a warm gold. He said nothing, knowing that whatever it was his friend wanted to say, he would get to it when he was ready and not a moment sooner. Still, as the moments ticked on, Nate wished he would just get on with it already.

“Sooo… Logan Wright is your Juliet… now why does this seem so fitting.… Oh right, because you complete morons are in love with each other. Maybe even the teachers and staff know it and this is the whole damn school’s way of saying ‘Now Kiss’.”

Nate rolled his eyes. He tried to stay chipper and upbeat but now that it was spoken, he could no longer ignore the siren call of his crush as a topic.

“Jan… he didn’t even look at me… what if…”

“Hopeless…”

“Jan, I’m serious here.”

“And so am I, Nate.”

Remus returned.

“How do you know Logan likes him anyway, babe?”

Janus looked at his boyfriend and shrugged.

“I can’t really say how… just trust me on this. My instincts are solid when it comes to people’s love lives.”

Nate wanted to argue but, since Janus was his best friend from grade school, he already knew it was pointless. Not to mention, Janus had walked into the school freshman year, spotted Remus, and pointed him out to Nate.

“That guy is strange and quite possibly deranged. And I’m not sure how I know this, but we are most definitely going to date.”

Nate had snorted and moved on. Then it had happened in Junior year, long after Janus had forgotten about the fateful statement he had made two years before. So he might have been right back then, but Nate really didn't want to have to wait two years like the other had to find out if his best friend’s prediction today would come true.

“You really should tell ol’ Logan how you feel, dude.” Remus shrugged, grinning that almost maniacal grin of his. Nate couldn’t help but grin back.

Still, his friends obviously didn’t get it.

If Logan had any feelings, he would have looked his way at the assembly when he’d realized it was Nate who he’d be kissing.

Oh, fuck. That’s right.

Not only was it that Logan would be kissing him…

Nate would get to kiss Logan.

“And this look is Nate now realizing that not only does he get to share the lead with his crush, but he also gets to kiss said crush on stage in front of everybody.” Janus murmured with a side glance at his boyfriend. Remus snickered.

Nate threw them the double bird and kicked them out.

Getting back to work, Nate put all thoughts of crushes and kisses out of his mind.

»»————　🕶️　————««

Logan almost didn’t make it to the meeting with Mr. Thomas Sanders, the drama teacher who was putting the show on, and Nate. He was just going to continue on with his normal routine and that would be that. They would realize he just wasn’t going to do it and they would get someone else.

Then he realized that part of him wanted to go. Was it curiosity? Or was it the siren call of having a valid reason to spend more time with Nate?

Logan blinked as he looked around, finding himself already headed in the direction of the theater.

It took a lot less time than he hoped to reach the two large oak doors, opening one of them and slipping inside. He was not surprised to see Mr. Sanders’s bright, welcoming smile. He was also not surprised to see that Nate was not there.

Nate had a habit of running late… all the time.

Something that would annoy him in anyone else, but with Nate, it somehow just worked.

“Logan! Thank you for being here,” Mr. Sanders said, still smiling brightly. “Nate should be here soon.”

Logan nodded, ignoring the heat rising up the back of his neck.

He jumped a moment later as the oak door opened once more, his head jerking in that direction.

In walked Nate, looking just as attractive as he always did. It was because he was having what Roman, Patton’s friend, would call a ‘swoon moment’ that Logan didn’t notice it at first, but Nate’s gaze was on him from the moment he walked in the door.

Pretending that his blush was not currently seeping into his cheeks, Logan cleared his throat and turned in Nate’s direction. Standing up straight, Logan nodded at the other in greeting. While they weren’t friends, they had shared a number of classes and projects and school trips over the years. They’d talked but only in a capacity regarding those things.

None of which were personal or intimate.

Logan withheld a sigh, then remembered he should say something.

“Salutations, Nathan.”

“Hey yourself, Logan. Hey, Mr. S.”

Nate joined them and Mr. Sanders led them to the front row of seats. He had three padded fold out chairs, one in front of the other two. Logan took one of them and Nate took the other. Ignoring how close he was to Nate at that very moment, Logan focused instead on Mr. Sanders.

The drama teacher took the chair in front of them and beamed at them both.

“Thank you both for coming. I just wanted to take a moment and congratulate you both on getting the roles, even if you may not have wanted them.”

Mr. Sanders who smiled apologetically.

“I had suggested we hold auditions and I was overruled.”

Logan shrugged, a habit he had picked up from Virgil.

“It can’t be helped now and it’s not for any major event. I mean, I may suffer from making an absolute mockery of myself but… I have my own reasons for doing it, I suppose.”

“Oh really? Do tell,” Nate pressed, flashing an easy grin.

Logan flushed. He couldn’t believe he had just said what he’d said. He had felt surprisingly calm in the moment though he supposed that was just the effect Mr. Sanders had on people.

Effective for an instructor teaching performing arts.

“It’s just… I’m a team player. We all have to do this. I cannot be selfish. I’d also… well, I’d kind of like to challenge myself too, I suppose.”

And it had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that Nate was playing Romeo and Logan would get to kiss him.

Logan’s heart rate increased and his eyes fell to Nate’s mouth before quickly looking away.

“Huh. Well… that’s epic. Good for you, dude.”

Logan nodded.

“Nate’s right. That is very epic!” Mr. Sanders agreed.

He clapped his hands.

“Alright, I know I don’t have to tell you two that Romeo and Juliet are the two most important characters in the play. Obviously, without them, the play would not exist. But, I want you guys to forget about that.”

Logan’s confusion must have shown on his face because Mr. Sanders elaborated. “You are to think of them as people. Think of them as your friends. Or better yet, yourselves. I want you to get into their minds and think about why they do the things they do in the way they do them.”

He stood up, pacing back and forth as he explained, glancing at them every so often. He then returned to them, taking the chair once more.

“By doing that, you open them up in an intimate way that allows you to become them. Does all of that make sense?”

He looked at Logan first before glancing at Nate.

Logan considered the words. He wasn’t an actor. That was Roman.

Which reminded him to make a mental note to speak with Roman after this. Unfortunately, while that would help future him, it did not help him now.

“I suppose… it’s… well, if we don’t feel what they are feeling…” Logan was grasping at straws. He was hands down the worst choice for the character of Juliet he had ever seen.

Nate leaned toward Logan. It was subtle but Logan, constantly aware of his surroundings, noticed. Strangely, it was comforting.

“Let me take a stab.”

“Go ahead, Nate.” Mr. Sanders said with a grin, pleased with the other’s enthusiasm.

“It’s because we can’t just learn the lines and do what the movements and motions say. Anyone can do that, but in order to sell what we are doing, we have to understand the character’s struggles to better perform them on the stage. By becoming the characters, we help the audience experience what they were feeling and thinking.”

“Very good Nate! Exactly.”

Logan glanced at Nate and smiled his appreciation. Nate shrugged.

And winked.

Logan blushed and turned his attention back to Mr. Sanders who was rising to head to his bag. He pulled out what appeared to be papers and two boxes and headed back to them. Handing each boy a stapled document, he continued to talk.

“These are your scripts. Feel free to highlight, take notes, change directions, and—although anything you change must be approved by me—I am always open to and strongly urge suggestions.” He then handed them each a box of two highlighters. “Rehearsals will start tomorrow after school. They will run for an hour and a half during weekdays for the next four weeks. The three weeks after that will be two and a half hour practices and the week after that is show week.”

He glanced at them both.

“Any questions?”

Logan, afraid to speak, shook his head. He held his script and highlighters close, ready to bolt at the first opportunity. Nate must have agreed in some fashion because Mr. Sanders continued on.

“One last suggestion. You are expected to run your lines outside of rehearsals. It’s the only way to memorize the lines. However, you are not expected to run lines together. I do want to strongly urge that you do. Find a nice quiet place to run the scenes you guys have together. You both already seem pretty comfortable around each other. That will help! Especially when it comes to practicing the kiss.”

He glanced at Logan. “You do not have to practice the kiss but you will want to. Trust me. It’s not easy to kiss strangers on stage.” He shuddered and Logan had to wonder at his experience with such things. Perhaps it was better not to ask.

He ignored his flaming cheeks and cleared his throat.

“Thank you for all the suggestions and insight, Mr. Sanders, but if that is all, I really must go.”

“Yes, of course. You are both good to go and I look forward to seeing you at rehearsals.”

Logan took off and didn’t look back.

»»————　♞　————««

Nate wasn’t sure how he managed it, but he was able to keep his disappointment and irritation off his face until he thanked Mr. Sanders and left.

So… that was it then.

Logan didn’t like him and was actually disgusted by the idea of not only kissing him but practicing kissing him too.

He sighed as he ignored the urge to hit the wall. Even if it would help him let out his frustration, he’d have a broken hand and that would just do no one any good.

Deciding to put the feelings into doing something useful, Nate made his way to the door that led backstage and headed in. Making his way past the dressing rooms and costume closets, Nate reached the main backstage floor, where he found Janus.

His friend was busy working, sketching backgrounds onto the backdrops that had already been assembled. Janus didn’t even bother looking up.

“Nice of you to join me, Nate.”

Nate had no idea how he always knew it was him without looking, but at this point, he couldn’t be bothered to ask. Janus would likely take it to his grave anyway.

“Hey, dude.” Nate sighed.

Janus immediately looked up from what he was doing, his eyes narrowing.

“What happened?”

Nate blinked, a shiver at the dangerous look in those two toned eyes running down his back. Not for the first time, he was extremely happy that Janus was his friend rather than an enemy.

“Nothing… exactly?”

“Darling, it’s my job to be vague and interesting. Yours is to be strong and mmm… a little himbo-esque. Now, I’m going to ask you again. What happened?”

Nate sighed and explained what had happened in the meeting and Logan’s sudden rush out the doors at the end. Janus kept the same unreadable expression on his face throughout the story and when Nate finished, he sighed.

Nate frowned.

“What?”

“Nate… darling… I don’t mean to sound harsh when I say this… who the hell am I kidding, yes I do. Especially since I know you can take it. Think about what you just told me and then think about who it is you’re talking about…”

“Logan… yeah, so what?”

Janus tutted.

“Okay… I see I am going to have to spell this out for you, hon. In the years that we have attended this school with Logan, have you ever seen him date? Ever see him hold hands with anyone?” He watched Nate closely. Nate, not sure where this was going, just listened. “Ever see him hug anyone… well, I suppose he gets hugs from Patton but that definitely doesn’t count. Everyone gets hugs from Patton. But anyway… ever see him in any scenario like those I mentioned?”

Nate didn’t really need to think about it. He had liked Logan for so long, it was as if his presence was a magnet for Nate’s gaze.

“No… but I don’t really see how…”

“So gorgeous… so sweet… but so, so dumb.”

Nate might have felt offended but the other said the insult with such fondness it almost felt like the other compliments he’d offered.

“Janus, just get to the point.”

“Very well. Of course Logan ran out of there at the thought of practicing kissing you… he’s never been kissed, Nate.”

Oh.

“Oh.”

Janus smirked and stood up, coming to stand in front of him. Nate looked down at him and sighed.

“I… never even considered… huh… okay… so I should definitely go find him then?”

“Oh, most definitely.”

Janus winked. Nate grinned at the other and nodded at the sketch.

“Nice trees, by the way. I think that’s what they are—”

“Fuck you,” Janus said but grinned.

“You wish.”

“Don’t I just.”

Nate chuckled and pointed at the hall that led to the exit with his thumb.

“I’ve got a cute nerd to find. Catch you later.”

“Oh, have you learned how to catch things now?”

Nate, who totally could not catch anything thrown his way, gasped.

“Low blow, my friend.”

“It’s how you know I care. Now, go find Logan. Also, maybe consider telling him how you feel… just a thought. No pressure.”

“Yeah… we’ll see. Later.”

“Go get him, darling.”

Nate snorted but headed out for the dorms.

»»————　🕶️　————««

Logan reached the dorm room that he shared with Virgil and quickly buried himself in the thing that made him feel safest: homework.

He was so lost in his homework that he almost didn’t hear the knock on the door. It wasn’t odd to have someone knock on his door, so Logan didn’t give it much thought. It was likely Patton looking for Virgil or something. Patton often forgot that his cell phone would be a much more efficient solution to finding his boyfriend.

Then again, also knowing Patton pretty well by now, it was just as likely he was checking up on Logan. That boy did wear his heart on his sleeve and would want to help if he perceived someone was upset in any way.

Therefore, when he went to open his door, it was with great surprise, and uncalled for embarrassment, he found Nate on the other side.

“So… hey.”

“... Hi.”

Logan did not miss how Nate glanced into his dorm before looking at him once more.

“I was wondering if you… uh… if you had a moment.”

Logan shifted slightly but nodded. When he said nothing, Nate continued.

“Do you think we can maybe take this inside?”

“You wish to be invited into my dorm room?”

Nate chuckled softly. Logan frowned. It almost sounded fond but that made no sense. Logan was barely a blip on Nate’s radar. There was no reason for him to be fond of anything that had to do with Logan.

Deciding it was obviously projections of his own feelings—why did he have them again?—Logan pushed any thoughts and inquiries on fondness from his mind.

“Yeah, if that’s alright with you.”

Logan considered before nodding, opening the door and stepping away to let Nate pass. He closed the door behind him, trying to ignore the twisting of his insides from having his crush in his room.

Not sure what to do with himself, Logan returned to his desk and leaned against it, watching Nate and ignoring the heat rising up the back of his neck.

“Alright… we’re inside. What did you wish to speak to me about?”

Nate, who had been checking out the room, seemed to focus on Logan’s side.

Interesting.

He grinned at Logan now and crossed from the book shelf he had been perusing to stand in front of him.

“Yeah, so… I just wanted to talk about the play…”

Logan sighed.

“Obviously. There is no other reason that could have brought you here. I know we don’t talk too much and we aren’t friends so there would be no reason to hang out, but surely, after years of school with me, you would know that I am pretty observant.”

Nate chuckled that same fond laugh again. The sound had heat slipping into Logan’s cheeks and he cleared his throat.

“What about the play, Nathan?”

Nate sighed. “Janus told me you’ve uh… you’ve never been kissed…”

Oh.

Right, the kiss in the play.

Even though this was obviously about kissing each other in the play, Logan couldn’t get past the fact that he would have to kiss Nate. If it had been anyone else, he was certain he could manage. But with Nate…

What if he was horrible? What if Nate told everyone?

No… Nathan Lasses could be a dick but to most people, he was kind and fair and nice. Besides, in Logan’s humble opinion, Remy—Nate’s twin—was much worse.

Nate wouldn’t tell anyone. Knowing Nate, he’d offer to help him practice and—

Suddenly it clicked. He knew exactly why Nate was there.

“Ah. You wish to practice the kiss,” he said simply.

Nate’s eyes widened in surprise for a brief moment before the look was replaced with something else. Something softer.

Do not even think of that word, Logan, or so help me.

“Correct, as always, scholar.”

Logan blinked. Huh, a nickname.

As far as Logan had been informed by Patton, nicknames were things people gave to other people they really liked and wanted to be friends with.

Logan held back a sigh.

Friendship… well, I suppose if that’s what he wants from me… it would be selfish of me to refuse.

Ignoring the sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach, he forced a smile.

“That… that would be okay with me…” Logan said.

This was not how he wanted his first kiss—especially not with Nate—but as there was no hope for more, it would be pointless to hold out on the impossibility that there ever would be.

Besides, it was better this way. He was far too busy for silly things like holding hands, little whispers spoken between kisses, flirting, cuddling. He wasn’t big on those things anyway. Even if he would have liked to try… with Nate.

“Wait, really? I honestly thought I was going to have to like talk you into it or something.”

Logan shook his head and held up a hand.

“Not at all. Janus, though I’d love to know who his source was, is correct. I’ve never kissed or been kissed. This is an adequate solution. Completely logical.”

Nate frowned and Logan hesitated.

“What’s wrong?”

Nate had a look on his face that was hard for Logan to read. It was reserved but there was something else too. Before Logan could figure out what it could be, Nate was suddenly grinning and clapping. It was as if nothing had happened but there was still a weird charge in the air.

Or maybe Logan was reading too much into the situation.

“Nothing’s wrong, dude. Let’s get started.”

Logan’s eyes widened at that.

“Now?”

He was pained to admit to himself that he might have squeaked the word, but if any one else asked, he would take it to his grave.

Nate snickered.

“Aww, getting shy? Cute.”

Logan blushed at that and, regretfully, flailed his embarrassment.

“I’m not cute!”

“I mean, of course you don’t find yourself attractive, scholar, but you never know. Some people might.”

“Oh, yes, and someday Patton will stop hanging out with cats even though he’s pretty severely allergic.”

“Haha, yeah right.”

“Exactly.”

It seemed to hit Nate what Logan had meant and suddenly the taller teen was closing the remaining distance between them.

“I’m serious, Logan.” He looked it too. His dark brown eyes locked with Logan’s and he smiled the same smile from earlier. The one that Logan was positive he was projecting because it made zero sense for Nate to smile at him like that unless…

No Logan. You already ran the probability of a guy like him liking a guy like you. He doesn’t like you in the same way you like him.

“Hey, Logan…” Nate said, voice lower. Softer.

Logan looked up, unsure of when he looked away. His grey eyes met brown once more and suddenly the atmosphere changed.

He could no longer hear the world outside his dorm room and time felt slower. He wasn’t sure what was happening and he wasn’t sure he liked it. Clearing his throat, he swallowed.

“Yes, Nathan…” he whispered.

Why was he whispering?

“Can I kiss you?”

Logan swallowed again but nodded.

Nate smiled and Logan was shocked again to find it seemed kind of… disappointed. Sad, even. Then Nate was closing his eyes and Logan, completely out of his element, did the same.

The first contact was soft… almost as if it hadn’t been there at all. Logan found himself leaning into it and his lips found Nate’s. He gasped and pulled away, bringing a hand to his mouth.

“Very good, for your first kiss,” Nate said, grinning teasingly. Logan blushed.

“Shut up.”

“No, no. None of that. I’m serious. You did good.”

“Right.”

Logan had no reason to believe him, of course, but it was nice to hear. Then again, unlike Logan, Nate had kissed many people. Maybe he knew what he was talking about. He cleared his throat.

“Should we… keep practicing?”

Nate seemed surprised by the question but laughed and nodded.

“We absolutely should keep practicing. Definitely should. One hundred percent.”

Logan rolled his eyes but snorted.

“Very well. Kiss me again.”

Nate smirked.

“Yes, sir.”

With that, he placed his hands on Logan’s hips and tugged him against his body, leaning down to kiss him deeply on the mouth.

»»————　♞　————««

Nate couldn’t help the pleased sound that escaped him as he kissed Logan deeply. His eyes were closed, brows furrowed, lips moving against Logan’s.

Never in all his wildest dreams had he ever thought he would get the chance to kiss Logan. Now that he had, however, he felt as if the universe was laughing in his face.

Like, yeah you get to kiss him but you ain’t never gonna have him. Not how you so desperately desire.

Fuck the universe.

If he couldn’t find the words to tell Logan…

If he couldn’t trust himself to say the right things…

Well, he’d just have to tell him through his kisses.

He could do that.

Logan’s arms wrapped around him and Nate took that as all the permission he needed to hold Logan closer. He moved one hand to the small of Logan’s back as his other hand came up to frame the intelligent teen’s face.

Nate was the one who had to pull away, inhaling sharply as he tried to catch his breath and chuckling as Logan chased after his retreating mouth.

“So…” Nate asked, the word low and still a little breathless. “How was that?”

Logan just blinked up at Nate. “H-huh, what, I’m sorry?”

Nate laughed deeply at that and, before he could talk himself out of it, he quickly leaned down to kiss the other’s forehead.

“Cute…” he said, voice low and fond.

Logan blushed but said nothing. Silence fell between them, neither knowing what to say or what to do. Logan seemed to want to say something—maybe ask something—but it was clear to Nate that he was nervous. Nate wished he could think of just the right thing to say that would reassure the other that he wasn’t ever going to judge him.

If he only knew how much I care…

Then maybe you should tell him. That voice sounded far more like Janus’s than it did Nate’s.

Yeah right.

Nate smiled down at Logan and was about to ask him if it would be okay if they practiced again tomorrow but in the next moment Logan was pressing closer and kissing him. Having absolutely no problem with this change in plans, Nate wrapped both arms tight around Logan, embracing him completely as he kissed back hungrily.

It was Logan’s turn to make pleased sorts of sounds, the other teen obviously getting lost in the feelings and sensations. That was all well and good, of course, but the sounds did things to Nate and if he allowed those sounds to keep doing those things to him, well…

He wouldn’t need words to tell Logan how he felt because Logan would be able to feel it.

Pulling away quickly, Nate worked hard to catch his breath. He swallowed hard and cleared his throat.

“Okay! So, I think this is a great place to stop. We can totally practice some more tomorrow, if you’re okay with that—”

“Yes.” Logan said it so quickly he seemed to surprise even himself.

Nate’s brows rose as Logan cleared his throat and spoke up again, more reserved.

“I mean, that would be agreeable.”

Nate smirked at that.

“Great. Same time after classes? Back here?”

Logan nodded but then stopped.

“Yes… but can we go to your room? I just… if Virgil’s here I’m not going to be able to… you know… it’ll be too embarrassing.”

“You do realize that we are going to be kissing in front of a whole lot more than just one student, right?”

Logan nodded, pulling off his glasses. He pulled out a little handkerchief, wiping gently at the lenses.

“Of course… but that’s a little different. We’ll be on stage and the audience will mostly be in shadow. Not to mention, the audience will be one collective group. I won’t know where my friends are sitting—well, most of them will be in the play but that is beside the point—and so I won’t see them. If it were just Virgil there though… it just seems too…”

“Intimate,” Nate asked, hopeful.

Logan considered the word and finally nodded.

“Yes, exactly. Too intimate.”

“Well, I mean I have a roommate too, so I’m not sure I can promise Janus won’t be there.”

That was a bold face lie. He could and would make sure Janus would not be there.

He grinned. “But if that’s cool with you, then I am more than happy to sacrifice my room for our kissing practices.”

Logan blushed but smiled gently, nodding.

“Thank you.”

Nate nodded.

He glanced at the door and then back at Logan.

“So… I have to be honest… kissing you is kinda fun…”

That’s the understatement of the century.

Still, he didn’t want to come on too strong and scare the other. The blush this pulled from Logan also made the light confession so very worth it.

“Mind if I take one for the road?”

Logan’s eyes brightened and Nate watched as the other’s eyes darted to Nate’s mouth and back while licking his lips. He nodded slowly.

“I would not be opposed.”

“Good.”

Nate moved in close once more, hands on Logan’s hips as he guided him in closer. His brown eyes met gray and he grinned warmly.

“Cute,” he said as the other blushed a little deeper.

Before Logan could argue his point, Nate closed his eyes and kissed Logan hard. Logan gasped into the kiss, perhaps surprised by the sudden intensity. Nate took the opportunity to slip his tongue into Logan’s mouth, exploring it and caressing Logan’s tongue with his own.

Logan let out an almost whimpering sound and Nate groaned in response. It was Logan who ended the kiss this time and Nate couldn’t deny that he had definitely chased after his mouth. Logan was panting and pulled out of Nate’s hold, the taller teen letting him.

“Wow…” Logan breathed, bringing his fingers to press at kiss swollen lips.

“Yeah,” Nate agreed, catching his own breath. Silence fell between them again but it was almost comfortable this time. Nate grinned.

“Well, I guess I’ll see you in class and kissing practice after.”

Logan nodded. When it was clear he wasn’t going to say anything else, Nate moved close once more and kissed the top of his head.

“See you tomorrow, scholar.”

“See you tomorrow, Nathan.”

Nate had the walk back to his own dorm to consider everything that had just happened. He couldn’t believe how well Logan had taken to kissing him. Then again, Nate had it so bad even if Logan couldn’t kiss, he’d still enjoy it… but there was also the fact that Logan was intelligent and smart and capable and it was no surprise at all that he had picked up kissing just as well as any other subject or skill.

But Logan had enjoyed it… and had wanted to keep doing it.

Just like that, hope returned in Nate’s heart.

Maybe, just maybe, his hopeless crush on Logan Wright wasn’t so hopeless after all.

»»————　🕶️　————««

Logan continued to press his fingers against his lips throughout the night. He did it so much that it almost became something of a fixation. He would remember the feeling of Nate’s lips pressed against his own and brush against his own lips, still sore from all the kissing.

He would then smile and sigh as his insides fluttered until he reminded himself that the kissing was just Nate being a good friend and one would assume a good actor. Logan was pretty certain that Roman went on often about something he called ‘method acting’.

His and Nate’s kissing was simply that.

Logan longed for so much more.

Still, Nate had obviously enjoyed kissing him so maybe this kissing practice would prove to be a good thing.

Logan brought his hand up to his lips once more, smiling softly as he brushed against them idly.

It was at that moment the door opened and Virgil shuffled in, tossing his bag by the little couch in the middle of the room. He collapsed onto it, only then glancing Logan’s way.

Logan, still lost in the memory of kissing Nate, had registered Virgil’s arrival but said nothing, still sliding his fingers gently across his lips.

“Hello~ Earth to Logan? Dude, what’s going on with you?”

Logan blinked and looked at Virgil.

“Oh, hey there, Virgil. Did you hang out with Patton?”

Virgil nodded before shaking his head.

“Nope. We’re talking about you… you’re acting very… uh… Roman-y and Patton-y today.”

Logan blushed because what that meant was that he was being very feelings-y. Logan usually was not a very feelings-y person. His best friend knew this well.

There were, however, some things he was not yet aware of.

“I kissed Nate today!” Logan said. Then he added, as an afterthought, “a lot.”

Virgil’s eyes widened almost comically.

“You did what? When?”

“While you were out…”

“So, what? Did he ask you out? Are you two dating? Do I have to give him the best friend talk where I threaten his life if he hurts you?”

Logan’s brows rose and he stared at Virgil waiting for him to end his tirade. He didn’t respond until Virgil grinned sheepishly and gestured in a go-right-ahead sort of manner.

“Okay, first… you have the wrong impression but, considering I blurted out that I kissed him with no other context, that’s not your fault. He sought me out here and I realized that he was offering to practice with me and well… I accepted.”

“So…” Virgil bit his lip. “Look, I know when we’re younger and they tell you your first kiss is a big deal and all and it’s best with someone you really like and that likes you too but… it’s not like it is on tv.”

Logan shrugged and smiled at Virgil. He knew it wasn’t a fully happy smile, but honestly, Virgil was a good friend. He tried his very best to help Logan any time he needed to feel better.

“So… even though you have to kiss him in the play when doesn’t like you—which, I’m still positive he does, that’s not the point here—how was it?”

Logan laughed as he watched Virgil shift to the edge of the couch, leaning forward in Logan’s direction, obviously invested in whatever it was Logan would say next.

The intelligent teen blushed but smiled slowly, biting his lip.

“It was so much better than I could ever imagine.”

Virgil chuckled at that and nodded.

“Yeah. Yeah, I feel that. Remember when we were younger and we were grossed out by even the thought.”

Logan nodded. In fact, until that first kiss, Logan had still very much thought that. But now…

“I want to kiss him again.”

Virgil laughed again.

“Damn, L.”

Logan blushed. “Shut up.”

Virgil snorted. “Nope. Never. Besides, it's my job to keep you on your toes.”

Logan shook his head. Idly, he brought his hand up to brush at his lips again.

“I’m a little worried though… it’s obvious that you like kissing him so much because of your feelings for him, L.”

Logan nodded. He too had come to the conclusion.

“Okay… maybe don’t have so many practices?”

Logan considered and nodded.

“Yeah… yeah, maybe.”

Virgil seemed happy to have helped and went off to shuffle in his backpack for his homework. Logan sighed.

Virgil had a point. A very valid and logical point.

Unfortunately, Logan was not sure how well he would be able to resist now that he’d had just a taste of what could never be.

Pushing the problem out of his mind, Logan turned his attention back to the problems that were within his ability to solve.

»»————　♞　————««

Nate honestly felt like he was floating as he walked through the dorms, heading for his own room. He headed inside, making his way to his bed and tossed himself onto it. As he looked up at the ceiling, he brought a hand to his mouth and slid his fingers against his lower lip.

A smile slowly slipped onto his face as he pulled his hand away and bit his lip. He couldn’t believe how readily Logan had agreed to ‘kiss practice’. He had even agreed to continue it.

Nate found himself torn.

As much as he had so very loved kissing the intelligent teen, he also knew that he was only setting himself up for heartbreak. The play—and so the kissing—would come to an end and things would go back to the way they had been.

Still, Nate didn’t see why that meant he couldn’t enjoy it while he had the chance. If it had never been for the powers-that-be choosing himself and Logan for Romeo and Juliet, he would never have gotten the chance to feel what it was like to kiss the boy he had liked for so long.

The door opened and Nate, a soft, warm smile on his face and insides toasty, looked up to meet Janus’s gaze. Janus, apparently noting the love-sick look on his face, sighed and tugged Remus in by their linked hands before closing the door.

“I take it from the revolting look on your face that you talked to Logan?” Nate noted how eager the other sounded.

He cleared his throat.

“Oh, yeah… yeah, we talked a bit…”

Nate looked away as Janus narrowed his eyes.

“And…?”

“Ah, and nothing… I just told him I completely understood he was nervous.”

“Did you tell him how you feel, Nate?”

Nate had the decency to look sheepish.

“Not… exactly…”

Janus gave him the look that meant he should continue.

“But he was very responsive to my kisses.”

Janus’s eyes widened and Nate felt a rush of pride at causing such a rare phenomenon. It was not often that one surprised Janus Trompeur.

“You kissed him?”

Nate could hear the excitement in his voice. Not wanting a misunderstanding, Nate cleared his throat.

“Yeah… I told him it was understandable he was nervous since he’d never been kissed and he came to the conclusion that I was offering to practice with him and so he agreed and we kissed… a lot… and it was so much better than I could have ever imagined.”

Janus crossed his arms. “Uh huh.”

“You should have seen Logan too… I’ve… I’ve never seen him like that before… I can safely guarantee it was enjoyed by both parties. He’s also agreed to continue. We’ll have another practice tomorrow.”

He glanced up at Janus, hoping he would see where he was going with this.

The other sighed and winced.

“Oh, Nate… you beautiful, dumb idiot… you’re going to try to kiss him in love with you, aren’t you.”

Nate flashed a grin.

“I’m going to kiss him in love with me, Janus!”

Janus sighed, bringing a hand up to palm his face before he shook his head.

“Oh, darling. That’s not going to work if you don’t tell him how you feel.”

Nate sighed.

“Yeah, you should lick his juicy butthole as well!”

Janus and Nate both glared at Remus, who just cackled and continued to listen.

“Nate…”

Nate threw up his hands in frustration.

“Okay, okay! Damn it, I know, Janus. I know.”

Janus smiled and nodded.

“Very good… and….”

Nate sighed and rolled his eyes but answered dutifully, as expected.

“And I promise I will find some time before the play is over to tell him how I feel.”

Janus flashed a victory smile.

“Good. Now, all this dabbling into your love life has made me hungry. Let’s go get dinner.”

Nate grinned and nodded. Ignoring the return of the sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach, Nate pulled on his coat and joined the other two for dinner.

»»————　🕶️　————««

Logan wouldn’t say he had grown used to kissing Nate three days into practice, but he would definitely say he had grown comfortable with it. Unfortunately, as Monday came and classes began once more, Logan realized that today would be the first rehearsal.

He would have to kiss Nate… but on stage.

“I can’t do this, Nate,” he said, his words a little sharp from nerves. Nate just shrugged and nodded at the audience that was currently made up of the rest of their senior class. Unfortunately, that meant the seats were nearly packed and quite a lot of people would be watching.

Unlike their parents and faculty, the other students wouldn’t hold back if he were to make an absolute mockery of himself.

Suddenly, hands were on his shoulders and he could feel the tightness deep in his bones melting away as strong fingers rubbed into his muscles.

“Sorry… I should have asked first… I can stop, if you want me to…”

Logan shook his head, letting out a little moan of pleasure as his eyes closed.

“No… this is… this is acceptable.”

Logan sighed as he focused on Nate’s hands and the way his muscles relaxed under his touch. By the time his body was completely relaxed, Logan realized he was pressed into Nate in a very intimate way. Stepping forward, he turned to look at Nate, clearing his throat.

“Thank you for the massage. I appreciate it.”

Nate smiled.

“Anytime.”

Logan, noting how amazing his body felt, nodded. “Noted. I might actually take you up on that offer in the future. Now, let’s run the lines once more before we—”

“Logan. Nate. You two are up.” Remy called, as if bored out of his mind.

Logan stiffened but gave a sharp nod. Nate returned his hands to Logan’s shoulders as he nodded to his twin. Remy walked off and Nate turned Logan to look at him.

“You’ve got this, Logan. You already have all your lines memorized. Literally. Which by the way, think you can help me with that, because I totally do not…”

Logan laughed, feeling the worry and stress melting away.

He turned to look at Nate and smiled.

“I have this theory.”

Nate grinned. “Oh yeah, what’s that?”

“That you’re going to do a really good job.”

Nate’s eyes warmed and his smile went soft. Once again, Logan was projecting onto this poor teenager who had no idea what he did to Logan.

“Let’s go break some legs, yeah.”

“I prefer the phrase ‘fracture a femur’ but yes, let’s.”

Nate laughed deeply and Logan couldn’t help but grin, a little proud of himself for causing such a reaction.

»»————　♞　————««

Nate, in character, made his way to his love, tears lingering on his cheeks. He swallowed hard as he took in his ‘dead’ Juliet, rushing to the ‘concrete’ dias where her body lay. Pulling Logan into his arms, he tried his hardest not to look directly at Logan’s face. He didn’t want to cause the other to crack up or break character.

Vowing that he would love Juliet and Juliet alone forever, Nate as Romeo took the colored-water ‘poison’ and began to choke. He shuddered and moved to lay beside his lover on the dias. He choked a few more times for good measure, causing students in the audience to laugh before he collapsed once more on the structure and closed his eyes.

Nate did his very best to look dead. Considering that Nate was lazy by nature and often lounged around, and he was pretty certain Janus would happily tell him to his face he looked like a dead man walking, that was the easiest part of the play.

But what would come mere moments later…

Nate felt Logan shuffle on the dias, hearing him let out a yawn, signaling to the audience Juliet had woken from her drugged sleep. Unfortunately, Nate could not see what Logan was doing lest he break character but a moment later, he gasped.

Logan called for ‘Romeo’ but when Romeo did not rouse—though it was hard because Nate wanted nothing more than to reassure Logan how well he was doing—Juliet cried for her dead husband.

Nate felt a shift on the structure and then soft, gentle hands were taking hold of his face. He bit the part of his lower lip still hidden by his closed mouth to keep from grinning. He heard as Logan professed that he would kiss Romeo so that Juliet may be with him.

Soft but firm lips pressed against his own. Nate couldn’t deny he definitely smiled into the kiss. He could also feel Logan smiling into it.

That was when it happened.

Logan cracked up laughing and Nate opened his eyes to chuckle as well.

“Well, hey there, Julie, baby.”

“Oh my god, shut up.” Logan said through his laughing.

Mr. Sanders joined them and laughed.

“That was really good… we’ll need to work on the laughing but otherwise… that practice was amazing, everyone! We’ll keep working on the blocking, but just keep running your lines and memorizing them. I think this is actually going to be really, really awesome!”

Nate glanced at Logan, who was beaming at Mr. S’s praise.

He’s so pretty when he smiles. Janus is right. God, I have it bad.

“Yeah, just wait til half of us have to do it in dresses.”

Nate snorted as he glanced at Janus, who was playing Rosaline. He had a point. Janus, Logan, and Virgil—not to mention a handful of other senior boys—would be wearing dresses for the show.

“And I have every faith that you will all rock them,” Mr. Sanders countered, which earned him a grin from Janus.

Janus leaned his arm on Remus’s shoulder and shrugged.

“I mean, you’re not wrong, Mr. S,” Janus agreed.

“I know I’m not. Now, you all get out of here and have a great and relaxing night. Logan, that means you.”

Nate glanced at Logan to see his crush blushing but grinning. Virgil spoke up.

“I’ll hold him to it, Mr. S.”

Thomas beamed at that.

“Good man, Virgil. Alright, see you all tomorrow.”

Rehearsal ended for the night, Nate turned to Logan.

“So… I’m kinda hungry and I’m assuming we’re still on for kissing practice tonight?”

Logan glanced at him and nodded.

“Then let me at the very least get you some dinner. It’s the least I can do after my dumb ass got exiled and you killed yourself over it.”

“Nathan… it’s a play.”

“You’re so right. It’s a total power play. You deserve better.”

Logan snorted at that and hesitated before bringing up a fist to punch him lightly in the shoulder.

Nate feigned bodily injury, grabbing his arm.

“Oh. You got me. I’m dead.”

He then pretended to die on the dias, eyes closed, tongue sticking out.

It wasn’t until warmth pressed against his cheek that he opened his eyes to see Logan pulling back, face flushed. It was obvious that Logan had just kissed his cheek and Nate, grinning, sat up to look at Logan.

Glancing around, he noticed that everyone else had left—well, mostly everyone. Virgil, Remus, Janus, and Patton were talking at the entrance to the backstage area. None of them were looking their way and so Nate, feeling confident, turned his attention back to Logan.

Before he could even open his mouth to ask Logan if he could kiss him, Logan claimed his mouth with his own. Nate’s eyes closed and he quickly returned the favor, a soft, happy sound escaping him.

Logan placed a hand on his chest as he slid closer, his other reaching up to grip at the little hairs at the back of Nate’s neck. Nate shivered but gasped, Logan quickly taking advantage of this and slipping his tongue inside.

Nate moaned, teasing along Logan’s tongue with his own as he kissed back desperately.

“Ooooooh,” Janus teased.

Nate’s eyes opened wide as he and Logan both jumped from the kiss. He quickly glanced toward the backstage but no one was there and all sound of talking had ceased. He would have assumed that the others—seeing what he and Logan were up to—had left but he also knew Janus very well.

“That was…”

“Satisfactory.”

Nate laughed at that. “Yes, very, very, very satisfactory.”

He held the other’s gaze and smiled.

“So… dinner?”

Logan rolled his eyes.

“Very well. You’re paying.”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

»»————　🕶️　————««

Logan fidgeted with his keys in his pocket as he walked with Nate to the cafeteria. The nice thing about the school was that they had little restaurants in the cafeteria, a lot like they did in colleges, instead of what most public schools offered. Unfortunately, as they allowed the students to work there for a wage, Virgil would most definitely be present.

He sighed as he realized the long talk Virgil would want to have with him the moment he saw Logan with Nate, already feeling exhausted.

“What’s wrong?”

Logan blinked up at the other.

“Huh? Oh, nothing,” Logan lied. It wasn’t a complete lie, per say. Logan was used to Virgil and he never minded talking with his friend. He just didn’t want to hear the ‘I told you so’ from his friend when Virgil realized he hadn’t been limiting the kissing practices as well as he could have.

Nate, looking doubtful, frowned. “You sure?”

Logan laughed softly and nodded. “Yeah… just stressed out about the play but… somehow, I know it’s going to be okay.”

Nate laughed at that. “That’s the attitude to have, scholar!”

Logan smiled, ignoring the slight twinge of guilt he felt at not being completely truthful. Then again, there was no way he could be truthful without informing Nate about how he felt about him, and Logan…

He just couldn’t bring himself to do it.

Maybe it was selfish but, knowing that Nate would suddenly feel awkward and uncomfortable around him once he found out, Logan wanted to enjoy a little more time with him.

Just the two of them.

Just like this.

They reached the cafeteria and Logan followed Nate to the center of the room. Logan considered the options and was about to go order from where Virgil was working when Nate called out to him.

“My treat, so where we eating today?”

Logan nodded toward the little taco hut where Virgil stood now, watching them both. Nate, noticing Virgil for the first time, gave a start before grinning.

“Oh! Hey, Virgil. What’s up, dude?”

He moved over to the little taco restaurant and offered his fist, which Virgil bumped but not before snorting and rolling his eyes first. As Logan joined them, Virgil spoke up, not taking his eyes from Logan’s gaze.

“Hey, losers. What brings you guys down? Logan, didn’t you say your plan was to do homework tonight?”

He eyed Logan doggedly, which the intelligent student ignored, instead glancing at the menu though he already knew it by heart.

“Oh, that was my fault. After rehearsal I practically begged him to go get dinner with me because I am a sad, lonely guy.”

Logan watched Virgil closely, surprised at the slight grin slipping onto his face at Nate’s words.

“You’re not bad, Lassus. Your brother though… he’s a dick and he still owes me 50 bucks. Now, what can I get you losers to eat?”

Logan ordered what he always got: the taco plate. Nate, meanwhile, ordered a taco salad. Logan would have been slightly surprised as Nate had never pegged him as a good nutrition aficionado, but then the other asked for double meat and Logan could just sigh fondy and grin.

Nate tried to pay but Virgil completely ignored him. Food was placed on two trays and cups added afterward.

“On the house,” he said slowly, holding Nate’s gaze as if just trying to goad him into objecting. Nate seemed to realize this because he grinned and held up his hands.

“Okay, okay. I got the message.”

“Finally,” Virgil mumbled but he was grinning ever so slightly.

Logan realized that, in his own way, Virgil was approving of Nate. Once Nate took his tray to go find a great table, Logan grinned when his best friend’s eyes met his.

“Thank you,” he mouthed. Virgil rolled his eyes but mouthed your welcome before waving in the direction Nate had gone.

“He’s not such a total waste of a human, I suppose,” Virgil said finally. “But Logan… if this is something you want… you really need to tell—”

Logan sighed, cutting off yet another tirade. “I’m aware, V. I promise… I’ll tell him by the last performance.”

Virgil groaned softly. “You really, really should tell him before that but… fine… look, L. You don’t have to tell him if you don’t want to but… I’m afraid that if you don’t, all of this is going to hurt you a lot more than you realize.”

Logan wanted to disagree. Unfortunately, he was definitely not an expert on feelings and since Virgil was dating one of the two experts on feelings that they knew, he suspected Virgil likely picked up a few things.

“I vow to tell him before the start of our last performance at the latest.”

“I’ll drink to that compromise… you know, if I had a drink.” He sighed wistfully but Logan knew it was all for the theatrics. Though Virgil would swear up and down that he was not dramatic, Logan—friends with three dramatic people—knew better. He could be just as dramatic as Roman when he wanted to be.

Logan grabbed his tray, thanked Virgil once more, and headed for the table on the far side of the large, open room. Virgil called back to him, wishing him good luck, causing Logan to smile softly.

Gray eyes sought out his...friend. Logan, ignoring the sudden feeling of sadness, pushed such thoughts out of his head. Sure, Nate would never be his boyfriend, but it was clear he wanted to be friends. Logan would not be the kind of person who couldn’t be friends with someone who did not want to date him.

Nate waved his arms wildly, chuckling when Logan’s eyes met his and he corrected his course for Nate’s table. He reached him quickly enough, snorting when Nate tugged him gently to sit next to him, rather than across from him.

Logan had expected Nate to talk to him then but, as he quickly learned, Nate was very much an eat-now-talk-after kind of guy.

Laughing softly, Logan started to dig in as well.

»»————　♞　————««

Nate had eaten about half his food when he turned to Logan.

"I don't know about you but kissing sure does work up an appetite." His grin was flirty and eager.

Logan blushed and nodded.

"Interestingly enough, I have found that as well," Logan said. "I, too, am quite famished."

He continued to eat as Nate became preoccupied with stuffing his face once more.

"Mmmm."

Nate looked up at the sound of laughter. Logan was watching him eat, amusement in his gray gaze.

"Adequate to your taste buds?" Logan asked with another laugh.

Nate looked at him and answered, a bit of food still in his mouth.

"Beyond adequate," he moaned. "Thank Virgil again for me later."

Logan laughed.

"Will do."

They fell into companionable silence once more, Nate glancing at Logan every so often. Every other time he glanced, he caught Logan's gaze and both of them blushed before looking away.

Huh.

Wasn't that interesting.

Deciding he needed more time to consider the new development, Nate cleared his throat.

"So… what new book are you reading? I just picked up this great Agatha Christie novel that I'm sure you've read already but it's so good."

Logan blinked. He looked confused and even said as much.

"How do you know I read Agatha Christie novels?"

Nate laughed at that. Looking fondly at Logan, he smiled. "Scholar. You've been reading those books since we all started here. I noticed them and started reading a few myself."

Logan’s brows rose and while he didn't say anything, Nate knew exactly what that look was for.

"Yes. I read. Shocker, right?"

Logan's expression took on an apologetic sort of look and Nate laughed.

"No no. You're fine, cutie. I'm used to people being surprised. In their defense and yours, I don't read a lot. But I can and do read."

Logan nodded, a grin slipping onto his face as he turned to look at him better, leaning in eagerly.

"So which book is it that you're reading?"

"Death on the Nile."

Logan nodded with a grin.

"That one is very good but my favorite will always be—"

"The Murder of Roger Ackroyd," Nate finished for him with a warm smile.

Logan blinked. He stared at Nate for a few moments, questions in those gray eyes. Nate was worried that maybe he had said too much.

Maybe Logan realized that Nate really liked him and now it was going to be awkward because Logan didn't feel the same.

And then Logan blushed and nodded. A soft smile slipped onto his face.

"Precisely."

Nate grinned as the slight charge between them in that moment settled. He didn't know what had happened but it hadn't sent Logan running and he considered that a win on his part.

They finished dinner and said their goodbyes to Virgil before heading out of the cafeteria for Nate’s dorm.

»»————　🕶️　————««

Logan was quiet on the walk to Nate’s dorm room. He knew that Nate had to be wondering at his silence but he couldn’t bring himself to speak just yet.

The reason for his silence...

There had been a moment while eating with Nate that had opened his eyes to knowledge he hadn’t been aware he had lacked.

Logan didn’t know how he knew it but the moment Nate supplied Logan’s favorite Agatha Christie novel as fact and not a guess had been very telling and Logan was almost certain that Nate liked him. A lot.

Perhaps even as much as Logan liked Nate.

Just tell him! You know he likes you now! Tell him!

He knew that his more logical side was right. At this point, with such a high probability of his feelings being reciprocated, the logical course of action would be to tell him.

And yet, Logan couldn’t.

He couldn’t even give a logical explanation as to why, which frustrated him more than anything. It just didn’t feel like the right time. Or the right place.

Logan chewed his lip.

He really hated relying on his feelings.

“Hey… half-dollar for your thoughts?”

Logan blinked up at the other. He seemed nervous. Logan smiled at him.

“I’m certain the expression is ‘penny for your thoughts’.”

Nate grinned at that, seeming to relax once more.

“Yeah, well. Pennies are practically worthless these days and I think more highly of the things that come out of your beautiful brain.”

Logan blushed at that and cleared his throat.

“Just have a lot on my mind.”

Nate nodded, falling silent once more.

Logan bit his lip before moving a little closer to the other. He tapped him with his elbow in a playful manner he’d seen Virgil do with Patton. It seemed to work because Nate grinned down at him like the sun.

“Hey.”

Logan wanted to make up for the silence and since he couldn’t tell him everything… not yet...Logan said the first thing he could think of.

“I can’t wait for practice.”

Then he blushed as he realized the implications of this. Nate looked at him in surprise, a slight flush to his cheeks as he slowly grinned.

“Uh oh…”

Logan raised a brow. He hadn’t expected that reaction. “What?”

“Looks like someone has an addiction to kisses.”

Logan blushed but rolled his eyes.

“You are what my friend Roman would call ‘an absolute dork’.”

Nate snorted.

“Roman Prince? Not surprised that’s his idea of an insult but, well, you're not wrong.”

Logan grinned, pleased to feel the air around them grow comfortable once more.

“But… I concede that, perhaps, you are not wrong as well.”

Nate grinned at him.

“About what?” he pressed. Logan glared at him. Nate took on a look of innocence. “I merely want to be clear about what part of what I said was not wrong.”

Logan knew that wasn’t the case. Nate wanted to hear him say it. He decided that since he couldn’t outright tell him how he felt, the least he could do was tell him what he wanted to hear.

It was true, after all.

“I am… addicted to kisses.”

He blushed far deeper than he expected to confess that out loud. He stopped and quickly hid his face in his hands. Nate must have glanced back and noticed he had stopped before quickly returning to him.

“Awww. No, no… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to embarrass you… I was just teasing. Can I… can I hug you?”

Logan nodded but did not remove his hands from his burning face. He felt as strong arms embraced him. He stayed like that, feeling safe and secure in his arms. At some point, he pulled his hands away to press his face into the other’s chest, his own arms wrapping tentatively around the taller teen’s middle.

“How’s that? Better, cutie?”

Logan nodded, trying to ignore how warm the nickname made him.

“Do you want to postpone the practice? If you need to, then that’s totally—”

“No!”

Nate blinked down at the other in surprise. Logan could see that his reaction had been a bit too passionate considering Nate had no idea how he felt about him.

“I mean, no… I very much would like to keep on schedule.”

Nate slowly grinned.

“Then what better time to start… Can I kiss you right here, Logan? Right now?”

Logan had a feeling Nate was expecting him to laugh and playfully punch him before they continued on their course for his room.

That was not what happened.

Logan moved his arms from around him. He then threw himself at Nate, wrapping his arms around his neck, as he kissed him. Hard.

Nate’s eyes widened but soon fluttered closed as he tightened his hold on the slighter teen, kissing back as desperately as Logan kissed him.

When they finally pulled away—it was with some difficulty breathing, Logan couldn’t deny—he swallowed hard and held the other’s gaze. Nate’s gaze was curious.

“Nate…” Logan said slowly. He saw the slight surprise on the other’s face. Logan had never called him Nate before.

“Logan…”

Logan hesitated. He very much needed to tell Nate or he would always be wondering ‘what if’? As a scientific minded individual, what ifs were only useful if the question was answered. Logan needed some answers.

“Can we… can we go somewhere quiet… your room is fine… but just somewhere with not a lot of people… please?”

Nate, obviously confused, nodded.

“Yeah… we’re almost to my room anyway. Come on.”

Logan’s insides churned and tumbled as he walked at Nate’s side. He honestly had no idea what had possessed him to almost tell Nate how he felt… outside.

That… that definitely was not the place for such intimate talks such as that. No. One should take the person of their affections, ask to speak with them in private, and only for their ears, share what was in their heart.

Logan nearly made a face.

When had he become so sentimental?

He glanced up at Nate and slowly, a fond smile slipped over his lips.

Oh, yeah. Right.

They reached Nate’s dorm room soon after, Nate holding up a finger before walking inside, signaling Logan to wait. Logan, considering himself fairly intelligent, was sure Nate wanted to make certain Janus (and by proxy, Remus) was not around.

He waited as patiently as he could, rubbing his fingers against his jeans in a comforting manner. Soon enough, though it felt a lot longer to Logan, Nate returned and held the door for him.

“Come on in, scholar.”

Logan did just that, almost jumping at the click of the door as Nate closed it behind them. He then led Logan into the room, making his way to the bed and taking a seat. He patted the space next to him. Logan took a deep breath, crossed the room to the bed, and took the offered seat.

He quickly turned to Nate just as Nate turned toward him.

“Logan, there’s something I need to tell you,” Nate said at the exact same time Logan said, “Nate, there’s something I wish to tell you.”

Both of them broke out laughing, their faces flushed, gazes vulnerable.

Nate cleared his throat and held out his hands, palms up, to Logan.

“May I?” he asked, voice low. Logan nodded, placing his hands into Nate’s.

Nate, dark eyes locked with Logan’s, bit his lip before smiling.

“That’s better… now… I’m sorry for jumping the gun. You… you go first.”

Logan wanted to refuse or insist Nate go, but he decided that that wasn’t fair to Nate. He had been the one asking to talk. He should go first.

He nodded.

Taking a deep breath, Logan for the first time in his life ignored his mind and spoke from his heart.

»»————　♞　————««

Nate squeezed Logan’s hands as the other seemed to search for the courage needed to say what he had to.

Nate knew what he hoped Logan wanted to say. He hoped more than anything that Logan had come to realize that he liked Nate too. But, that could just as easily not be what Logan wanted to tell him. Maybe he had noticed that Nate liked him and was being respectful, letting him down in private.

Maybe he just wanted to be friends.

Nate could live with that. It would hurt for a while, but he could deal.

As long as it wasn’t Logan never wanting to see him again, Nate could live with whatever it was the other was about to tell him. He sighed inwardly and instead focused on Logan.

Logan, who was struggling.

Nate squeezed his hands again.

“Hey,” he said and waited until Logan’s eyes met his. “Whatever it is, you won’t scare me away.” He paused. “Unless you dress up as a clown on the weekend… then I’d say my loyalty is questionable…”

Logan laughed at that and it seemed to be the reassurance he needed. He cleared his throat and Nate leaned in subconsciously.

“... You were correct earlier… when you said I was addicted to kisses… I am very much addicted to kisses…”

He glanced down at their hands and seemed to consider what to say next. Nate watched him closely, mesmerized by him.

“I am addicted to your kisses, Nate…”

Nate blushed and a big grin slipped onto his face as it hit him.

Logan liked him. And Nate was him. Nate. Logan liked Nate.

“Are you saying-?!!”

Logan laughed at that and nodded, blushing a little himself.

“I like you, Nate. I have for a very long time.”

Nate whistled and shook his head.

“Well, that just sucks because I’ve liked you for a very long time too. Since we first met, now that I think about it. It feels like we’ve missed out on so much time.”

Logan blinked at the remark and nodded a second later when it registered what Nate meant.

“It does. But we’re here now… together...”

Nate beamed and his excitement soon morphed into unbridled adoration.

“Be my Juliet… but alive… and forever?”

Logan snorted. “There are so many things wrong with that question, Nate, but I like you, so I forgive you. I will be your boyfriend, though, if that would be agreeable with—”

“Yes! So freaking agreeable! Totally agreeable!”

Nate watched in wonder as Logan laughed, not holding back, his gray eyes full of happiness and fondness as he looked upon Nate. He couldn’t keep from surging forward and claiming Logan’s lips with his own.

Logan relaxed into the kiss with ease, his arms wrapping around Nate’s neck like they’d never stopped. Nate moaned into the kiss as Logan kissed back eagerly, sounds of enjoyment escaping him as well.

When they broke for air, Nate nuzzled into Logan’s hair with his nose before pressing a kiss to his temple.

“Boyfriend,” he said, overjoyed to use the title for Logan.

Logan rolled his eyes, blushing. “Dork.”

Nate brought a hand to his heart as if he had been hurt. He then swooned and ‘collapsed’ upon his bed. Logan laughed and then shifted to hover over him.

“Let’s keep this between us… just until after the play… Virgil has been trying to get me to tell you forever and I really do not need to deal with any I told you so’s… and maybe, I also would not mind keeping you to myself for a little bit longer.”

Nate snorted. “Oh. You can always have me to yourself. I don’t mind picking Janus up by the collar and tossing him out if need be… uh, but maybe don’t quote me on that. Still, keeping up a ruse sounds fun. I’m in.”

Logan smiled down at him and Nate brought a hand up to frame his face, guiding him down to kiss him.

If they got lost in the kisses and each other, neither minded in the slightest.

-----------------------------------------------

Disclaimer: I am not affiliated with Thomas Sanders or Joan, nor the rest of their group. I do not own or make money off of these characters. I only own the story as it is written.

Super uber thanks to my beta reader for this fic @superweebside and the two that preread my stuff to make sure its up to par: @romantichopelessly & @sunshineandteddybears.

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rebloged-content · 4 years ago

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Recommended Sanders Sides creators

Marry Christmas, everyone! And a wonderful December day to all of you who don’t celebrate Christmas, too. Let’s be honest right off the bat, though: I’m only using the date as an excuse to do this list anyways.

So. Throughout the time I’ve spent as a part of this wonderful corner of the sanders sides fandom over here on tumblr, I’ve often found a new creator and wished I’d found them sooner. It kind of makes me wonder who else I might miss. If you do to, here are a few creators I’d love for you to check out. You’ll probably recognize some of the names, if not all, but maybe you’ll find a new favorite creator here?

And to the creators in question, I really love your content. If you’ve made it onto this list, you’ve definitely cause one or two sleepless nights of reading for me, because who needs sleep if I can have this, right? XD Whatever you’ll find written next to your name is the impression you’ve left on me and… Well, just know that you’ve made some days of my life at least a little happier, all of you. And I hope to repay the favor by telling you how much I appreciate you releasing your content into this world… Well, repay the favor at least a little, I suppose.

Let’s begin, then, shall we?

@5am-the-foxing-hour Because this? This is who you go to if you want to read good Janus-content. You are in a mood to read sympathetic Janus? Wanna see the danger noodle just casually interact with other sides? Go to their short stories. I mean, “the cult”? Prime example of how to tell a story with impact in just a few words. 8 paragraphs, but boy did I read that one on repeat. Or “water spray bottle”, this one is fun, short and will make you laugh. An energy drink for the fander heart, so to say.

Then there’s their mafia-au, “there’s more in me than precious metals”. Six are out so far, and I adore every single word of every single part of this. Protective Remus, sassy Janus, angst, comedy relief, destruction, Roman-Remus-sibling-rivalry, braincell Logan, survival instinct Virgil, working together over a common enemy… This fic has it all, believe me. Take your time and read it, because you will read the entire thing in one go once you start. At least I did, and I didn’t even notice.

And their advent writings? Those had me squealing and jumping around in a way I will deny if anyone ever sees it. I don’t even know what else to say, they are fucking fantastic and that’s that.

So, yeah. Go check them out, before I start fangirling about them even more. You know my personal favorites now, so just go there. You won’t regret it.

Next up is @coconut-cluster. Ah, yes, Lexi. Lexi, whose uni-AU started as self indulgent and has become the loceit story on tumblr. We all know her, or at least most of us do, and we all love her too. And while I also drop everything I do at any point of time I possibly can once I realize the uni-au has any form of new addition, there are a lot of other fics created by her that you should check out as well.

Did you, for example, ever want a sappy prinxiety one-shot with the sappiness only being implied, a mutual understanding of “we’re-not-saying-we-care-but-we-both-know-we-do” born from joking reassurances and a not-a-date-nope-only-a-break? While that may seem to be a tall order, that is exactly what “before the sun goes down” is. Plus there’s ice cream. Or maybe you’re more of a logince fan? Do you want a fic where Roman isn’t the prince but serves His Highness? Do you like sincere talks while you’re procrastinating showing your face to the subjects you don’t really want to rule over? In that case, you really should read “Viva la Vida”. Careful, though, this one is so sweet you’ll probably get a toothache… There also is an analogical fic that I’ve enjoyed very much: “Cracks in the Ceiling”. I love it, because it’s just calm. Fears creeping up on you, thrown away by a trusted friend with a few words, just by being there and playing into the metaphors you head created this time around. It’s calm, and there’s not really a climax or anything, but it doesn’t need one. Because it’s just a glance into everyday life. It’s beautiful in its own right, really.

What I’m saying is, Lexi has a lot more wonderful stories to tell than the uni-au. It’s the most popular one, sure, and it’s one of her best works. But you really should check out her other fics as well. Lexi herself once said that she writs fics she’d like to read. I would figure it’s because of this, but her stories are mostly things you don’t really find anywhere else. Dynamics, stories, world building, all of those are aspects you may find somewhere else. But Lexi is just one of those people who see what they miss in a fandom and create it themselves, and among these creators Lexi is my favorite. She just has that certain skill that makes that approach to writing result in the most enjoyable reading experiences. Lexi’s fics are special, because they’re different, because they are authentic and you can feel that when you’re reading her work.

@djpurple3 is another talented individual I want to talk about. I have to confess, DJ is, as far as original content goes, almost exclusively locked in my brain with the fiction “I just keep loosing my beat”. 23 Chapters so far, one better than the last. It’s a bitter-sweet story following Remus and his children, after the bitch of a mother has been brought behind bars. Abusive piece of shit. Yeah, I don’t like her much. But the story is so full of love and support, everyone trying their best, everyone seeing how much the others deserve the world and wishing they could give it to them… Roman and Remus have a sibling-dynamic I would die for here, too. Patton is just the most adorable friend to Deceit - here Damion - Virgil is a precious bean, Logan is cute and the teacher we all wish he’d had ourselves and… god, I could keep gushing about this fic forever. I’ll stop now, though, before I’ll start spoiler things. Wouldn’t want to do that, especially since I really, really, really want more people to give this a go. It’s not underrated, I just think everyone who doesn’t is missing out by a lot, so… Go over there and read DJ’s fic right fucking now, if you haven’t already read it at least once. Thank you.

@delimeful, our wonderful lime-friend with a cute cat making a terrifying face in his header. First of all, there is the WIBAR universe, short for “Watch it burn and rust”. 5 chapters in act one, 4 intermissions (one of those with three chapters), one chapter of act two, as well as three extras and an au of this au called “the end of being alone”, and I’ve lost count of how many nights I spent reading those instead of sleeping like I should. (Or interacting with family. Or being productive. Or… It’s really a good story, okay?!) WIBAR is a deathworlder au. So a space au in which humans are regarded as dangerous deathworlders who can survive on a deathworld like earth. In other words, Virgil is the only human, and boy does that scare everyone around him. And the best part? You can feel the development, the shift in mentality regarding Virgil, feel the moment approach in which he isn’t a threat but a companion instead.

And, apart from the fic that inspired me enough to start writing “TINND!R?” over on my writing blog, there are a lot more amazing fics to read on lime’s blog. He wrote “How easy you are to need”, for example. It’s soft, it pulls at just the right heartstrings, it’s achingly hopeful and, god, the ending still has me in tears, even after the fifth - ? sixth? something among those lines - reread. This one’s a werewolf au, actually. Virgil is the werewolf, Logan, Patton and Roman are the humans.

Do you want yourself some of that pre-AA dynamic? I’d recommend “to taste your beating heart”. In this, Virgil gets separated from the rest of his group of vampire hunters and gets turned into a vampire himself, loosing his memories. And he’s “Anx” now, not “Virgil”, goddamnit! He isn’t their friend anymore, why don’t they understand that? Well, probably because they can still see Virgil’s old habits shining through. There’s a lot of tension, a lot of angst and a whole lot of frustration involved in this.

He also wrote some amazing one-shots. They’re mostly so well written that I’m almost sad not to be waiting on a continuation. There’s “the littlest mermaid”, in which Virgil goes to investigate a noise, finding a scared, tiny mermaid in need of help. In “community gardens” we have Remus being Remus, gaining the interest and friendship of the forest’s giant Logan. “Magical mutualism” tells the tale of a witch and a demon making a pact beneficial to both parties and opening the doors neither could have gone beyond alone. The way we’re all confused about our ships not actually having set sail yet comes to a hight in Virgil in regards to his friends in “amateur matchmakers”. And this is the point at witch I stop talking before I actually recommend every single one of lime’s fics instead of just my favorites as I had planed because I started to gush too much… XD

Let’s move on to @muppenthings. Mupp is an amazing artist and she created a giant mermaid au. There’s this one orca who’s just… We love her, but I actually don’t think she’s the brightest. I really, really love her, though. Virgil himself is being a little protective over his human friends and casually so. I love this comic series for the art style, but I also love the way it makes me crack a laugh at least once per work. Or appeal to my mother-instincts, if it’s about baby Virgil. Too cute for his own good, I tell ya! And the facial expressions! The detail, the jokes, everything about this is wonderful. You should at least take a look.

@whenisitenoughtrees. Cat got me with “This cup of yours tastes holy (This lie is dead)”. “A slow voice on a wave of phase” was next, later “Infinity and beyond”, “we are not alone in the dark with out demons” and “changing of the guard”. And then, suddenly, the night was over. I’ve read almost all of the fics in one go, and I’ve been semi-frequently visiting her master post ever since. When “There’s an endless road to rediscover” came out just a little while back, that lead to me re-reading through almost the entire list. I don’t regret it, my plans for that weekend would like to disagree.

These six fics I mentioned here are, by no means, the only ones I enjoyed. Those are just the ones I’ve found myself opening up again and again in sleepless nights. Those are the ones that pop up in my head and have me smiling to myself in the middle of god-knows-whatever-I’ve-been-doing-at-the-time.

Angst, fluff, hurt-comfort, you’ll find everything in that list. And something I’ve grown to like about Cat’s fics even more than anything else is the quick change between feeling perplexed, a startled laugh at certain wordings (you’ll know what I’m talking about when you see it) and apprehension. These fics will have you at the edge of you seat, swooping you away on an emotional roller coaster. And, god, the way Cat writes from Remus’ perspective? The introductions of her stories and the way she redirects to the main topic after going into detail on something? I saved a few paragraphs as screenshots on my phone because I love them and I want to read them again when I’m down. I just… Cat’s great.

Next up is @eliemo. Because Elias Virgil is the royalty of Virgil angst. From the touch-starved Virgil we’ve all had a head cannon of at one point in “Heart of Ice”, over ace Virgil panicking over telling his boyfriends that he his ace and didn’t think to tell them before in “Love our way” to so, so much more.

Mostly EV follows the story arc of an underlying feeling of dread at the beginning, which slowly grows into panic, exploding in a storm of angst and concludes in everyone, or at least whoever is around, coming to the rescue and helping to calm down, with the end being the hope for getting better in the future. They always manage to convey the confusion, fear or just the general thought process so well that you can’t help but get absorbed in the story. They know exactly what to say and what to leave between the lines to get the maximum effect. And, your heart will definitely be shattered after their angst. Still, the way the sides comfort each other and support each other so well every time is just… I love their stories, a lot.

I want to make two more suggestions if you want to check out this creator. A Janus angst fic, which can only be described as “ouch” you’ll find under the name “snake bite”. It hurts in the best way possible, because Janus gets the comfort he deserves.

The other suggestion gets a lot darker. It’s about Virgil having been abused by the “others” before he got accepted into the light side. The others are shocked to find out what has gone on behind their backs and they help Virgil in every way they can to recover. Of cause it’s a rocky path, though. This would be “Learned Behavior”. The series/au has twelve stories so far, one of which has two parts. You’ll find the master post for this pinned to the top on their blog.

If you like angst, you should also give @maybedefinitely404 a look. Ly has a soulmate-au going, in which they use the concept of “you hear the music your soulmate listens to”. "Music in my head” is a prinxiety fic, but the two of them have yet to meet. Four chapters and two mini-fics in. The reason I mentioned angst is because in this - spoiler alert for the first few chapters here - , Virgil gets put through conversion therapy. Luckily Janus and Logan are better foster parents than the ones who did that to him.

They also have a master list for all their soulmate stories, featuring different ships. Apparently they participated in soulmate month, if I understood that correctly. And to be honest, that was how I even found their account. I absolutely adore their anxceit fic, which takes place in a human au. It’s starting off pretty sad, but the bonding moments are absolutely wonderful. It’s a lovely story, and the ending is one of the best ones I’ve yet to read. Their logince fic took my breath away, too. A flower shop/tattoo artist au, and Logan is the tattoo artist. Stunning writing, wonderful world building, just the right amount of backstory to have everything make sense without overwhelming/drowning the reader in unnecessary details. Their moxceit fiction… Well, this one had me in tears within the first few paragraphs. It’s terrible and you feel for Janus, whose perspective this is written from. The ending, though… Gods! The ending was so indescribably cute. To be honest, all of the soulmate stories are great, these three are just my personal favorites.

Concerning their one shots, you’ll probably have to figure it out on your own concerning this. I haven’t been able to read all of them yet, as sad as that makes me. Definitely palling on doing it in the future, though. I did read two of them, though. “Pippity poppity” really was amusing, and I am so looking forward to the second part of “The Boy who sings next door”. The way they write the dynamics between the sides? I live for that.

Another creator I would like to recommend is @maybe-im-tired.They don’t have a master post, as far as I could see, but they only post their content anyways, so… “Can’t take my eyes off of you” is my favorite out of their fics so far. I mean, the way they managed to fit the sheer chaos that is intrulogical into this one short fic is amazing. And you could take about two thirds of what Remus said and put it up on your wall as out-of-contexts-quotes. Don’t worry, he says them out of context anyways, and they will definitely make you laugh.

The series of short stories for the human au that starts with “Glowing stars” is another au by them that you will almost certainly like. We have Logan and Virgil as kids (about 7 I think), Remus and Patton as single parents, Roman as the most adoring uncle, Emile as babysitter and Remy as his amazing partner. Remus is a great father, wonderfully chaotic as well. And a teacher! Imagine that, Remus as your teacher... He’s great with kids though, as long as they aren’t entitled villains come to make his precious Virgil feel bad, that is.

They also wrote a bunch of “random one shots”. They are all amazing, but my favorite has to be this one. It’s a logince one, once again human au. Patton may or may not tell his big brother’s crush about the feelings he wasn’t prepared to share yet. You know, as small kids do. It’s soft, it will make you smile as much as Logan does, and I love Remus in it. I generally like how they write Remus, okay? I know how much I’ve said it, but I’m not even exaggerating. They always write him differently, and all versions they write him as are so, so lovable and just… I wanna hug the life out of all Remus versions they wrote, okay? Take a look, you’ll know why.

Anyways. Let’s continue with @figurative-siren-song. This is the last account I’ve followed and I’m still sad about it having taken me this long to find them. Little salty, to be honest. (I’ll stick to they/them because they said just not to use she/her, and, well… consistency, you know? Don’t have much, so I have to get what I can XD). When I finally did find them, I went through their entire master list (at least all of the ships with characters I actually know. I’m kinda bad with the shorts characters, so I usually just… avoid them? Idk. Personal preference, I guess), and, well… I would honestly recommend every single fic on that list. They call themself “Repair Fluff King™️” and they deserve that title. But when they warn you that a fic will be angsty, it will be angsty.

I found them through the anxceit fic “A Deal”. Well, through an animatic by their friend on youtube that had linked the fic, but details. I’ve been reading this fic up and down again and again. It’s just so good! And when they talk in the second part and Janus explains why he proposed that deal. Or in the continuation, which i can’t talk about because I will probably spoiler things! So wholesome!

Also, their losleepxeity fic “We’re worth it”. So soft! The nicknames, the plot, the everything. It’s softer than clouds look, and we all know that means something.

But, really. Everyone will find something for them by this creator. So many ships, all incredibly well written, and soft and fluffy without getting boring in the slightest. It’s as energizing as coffee, actually. And, let’s be honest, this whole fandom drowns itself in angst most of the time. Take a break from that, repair your broken hearts with goof fluffy content that you’ll want to read over and over again. Go check this creator out. You will love them.

Last but not least… @myfriendsasthesides A blog by a creator who just takes the wonderfully chaotic dynamics of a friend group and using that to give us content of incorrect sides quotes. Maybe it doesn’t fit with me going on and on about fics here. I don’t care. Follow them and turn on those notifications, please, because seeing even one post of theirs on your dashboard will make your day. It’s funny, it’s absurd, it’s chaotic, it’s making you jealous of them for having friends like that. Believe me, you will want to see those posts. It’s just… the random shots of serotonin and dopamine out generation needs really fucking desperately 100% of the time.

That’s it with the list! Eleven creators I absolutely adore, and I’m sorry I was babbling so much all the way through, but… Well, actually I’m not sorry. And actually, half of the reason I even made this post is to tell them how much I love them and fangirl about them a bit. So… Yeah. Well.I love you guys and hope you’ll have a wonderful day! And to everyone else reading this: I hope this helped you ind some new creators you can enjoy. And a good day to you too, of cause.

Sincerely, Joy 🖤

(@joylessnightsky/@sanders-sides-fic)

#I hope it's okay to you I just went ahead and did this #if you don't feel comfortable with this or anything written in here feel free to let me know #also no I didn't check the spelling #I'm too tired to do that anyways #sanders sides #sanders sides fanfiction #recommendations #list

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tallstars-rewrite · 3 years ago

Text

Chapter 17

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In what little free time he was permitted in between patrols or extra long hunting missions, Tallpaw went back to visit Jake several times. All he had to do was say he preferred hunting in the Swift-Step Hills, which led up to the northern borders treeline. Jake was bolder in his exploring now that he knew the way there and back. Tallpaw never let himself stay for very long, only a brief conversation or even a wave hello, but the tiny visits were like a breath of fresh air to him. Any small moment of respite completely disconnected from his life and worries back at camp was sorely needed.

It was easy enough when he was out training with Dawnstripe, when he was too busy with her to think of much else, but he was still procrastinating a conversation with the tunnelers. Normally he wouldn’t go so close to where he knew their patrols might be working, but he was having trouble finding prey elsewhere. He’d almost given up entirely and began trailing back to camp when he spotted a large doe rabbit hopping erratically back and forth between the hollowed entrances of the tunnelers new passages. It was a newer one, dug through what may have recently been an old rabbit burrow. Tallpaw was able to sneak up on it and kill it quickly while it was looking lost. His paws sank uncomfortably into the newly scratched soil, and he winced at the feeling. He took to avoiding the tunnels altogether recently, afraid of bumping into one of the patrols and not having a graceful excuse prepared for why he hadn’t joined them yet. The last thing he needed was to accidentally collapse some fragile part of an invisible passage, so he left as quickly as he could.

It was past dawn at this point and the wind was blowing particularly strong today, bringing with it dark clouds from over the mountains, along with the damp taste in the air signaling coming rains. Tallpaw stared up at Outlook Hill, squinting against the light. Fawnleap was standing alone on top, with his claws fastened into the dirt to keep from blowing off his paws. He was stretching his neck up towards the sky, appearing to be deep in concentration. Sparrow was staring up at him from the base of the hill. Tallpaw padded up behind the small dark tom, and set his rabbit down on the ground.

“What in StarClan’s name is he doing up there?” he asked.

Sparrow didn’t turn to greet Tallpaw, but replied, “He was complaining on and on yesterday about wanting to outgrow his mentor and his siblings. So I told him there was an ancient legend that claimed if you spent long enough in a very tall place and focused all your energy on stretching up towards the sky every day that it would help you grow as much as seven mouse lengths within a season.”

Tallpaw snorted. “That’s nonsense, you can’t just will yourself to be taller. Where did you hear that?”

Sparrow looked at him “I was telling a joke,” he meowed flatly.

Sparrow’s tone of voice sounded the same no matter what he was saying. I’m not sure he knows how jokes are supposed to work... Tallpaw thought.

“Has he been up there all morning?”

“I think so.”

“You...can’t just tell Fawnleap things like that, he always takes you seriously.”

Sparrow was staring blankly back up at the spotted brown tom, who still hadn’t broken his focus. “He’s...so stupid,” he breathed, sounding almost awe-struck.

“Hey, Fawnleap may not be the brightest cat on the moor, but he means well.” Tallpaw glanced sideways at the loner. He still couldn’t get a good read on him like he could the other visitors, who seemed to always wear their emotions plainly on their pelts. “So...how are you settling in?”

“Awkwardly.” Sparrow replied. “Some of you are alright I suppose. I don’t actually mind Fawnleap when he’s not talking my ear off. He’s less prickly than others around here. But I’ll be excited to leave.”

“Oh.” Tallpaw was a little taken aback by the bluntness in his tone when he said that. “Why is that?”

“It feels like you clan cats always have to be fighting someone. I don’t want us to get tangled up in your issues with this ‘ShadowClan.’ I don’t understand why you can’t just let them hunt on the land they want and be done with it. It’s just trees and grass. Is it really worth starting some kind of war over?”

“It’s not that simple. Our land is a part of us, it’s not just anything, that’s why we defend it. We can’t give it away carelessly.”

He caught Sparrow rolling his eyes and Tallpaw flattened his ears, but he was determined not to get into an argument. Maybe Sparrow had a reason to be prickly. They weren’t visiting for happy reasons after all, and Tallpaw tried to muster some understanding for the young loner. “None of you are going to be in danger here. ShadowClan is our problem to handle. Hen is perfectly safe in our camp.”

“Sure…” Sparrow avoided his gaze and Tallpaw saw for perhaps the first time a scrap of emotion from him as a glimmer of worry darkened his gaze. There and gone just as quickly.

“You must be worried about her,” Tallpaw said sympathetically. “It must be hard seeing the cat that kitted you so sick.”

“She didn’t kit me.”

“She didn’t? Sorry, I thought Bess said-”

“She is my mother,” he said firmly, “in every way that matters. I share no blood with any of them.”

“Oh, of course. I guess I just assumed, I mean, I know kittypets get separated from their family often but I thought loners might be different--or whatever you call yourselves.”

“You don’t even know how strange you clan cats are.” Sparrow sniffed, “I guess it’s easy staying with the cats that you’re kin with. Bess, Algernon, and Reena are after all. but most of the loners I pass don’t think much about blood. You find where you belong best by yourself, and maybe it’s not with who you happened to be born with. I never even knew my blood kin. They’re either dead or left me behind. I don’t really care. There’s only ever been Hen as far back as my memory goes. She’s my family, and I don’t want her in danger. No matter what."

Tallpaw didn’t respond. He could at least understand Sparrow’s loyalty to the old cat, it wasn’t dissimilar to the loyalty a clan cat should feel to the rest of their clanmates, but even so, he couldn’t imagine not knowing his kin at all. They were the cats who brought him into the world after all. But it must be easier choosing who fits you rather than being stuck with someone you can’t please, a small voice hissed in the back of his mind, and he immediately mentally kicked himself for thinking it. How could he be so ungrateful?

He heard Sparrow mutter under his breath "I just think the others are...too trusting sometimes. It's only luck that we haven’t gotten into much trouble with strangers on our travels so far.”

“Well... Hawkheart knows a lot about healing, and he’s doing everything he can to help her. Even if he’s a bit prickly about it.” Tallpaw said.

“I understand.” It didn’t sound like he actually did. “It must be a big ask for him to help some cat that didn’t happen to be born here.”

Sparrow’s voice made it hard to tell if he was being sarcastic.

Just in case he was, Tallpaw said “if we had more reliable resources it would be easier for us to be generous to every cat, but we only have what our territory provides, and most of the time it’s only enough for us.”

Sparrow narrowed his eyes at him. “Well you had no problem helping that dopey barncat past the moor.”

Tallpaw stiffened.

“I wasn’t following you if that’s what you’re thinking.” Sparrow continued. “You told us to stay near the trees, and Reena saw him wandering around a couple days ago, and then I saw you wandering after him. You don’t sneak around very well.”

“Oh--! Well, that’s--um…” Tallpaw sputtered. He really thought he’d been doing a good job at keeping that secret.

Sparrow rolled his eyes. “I won’t tell your clanmates if that’s what you're worried about. Neither will Reena if you don’t want her to, we’re not tattle-tails. If you want to frolic with a pet, go nuts for all I care. I don’t want to get tangled up in your...weird hang ups about outsiders or whatever. I have no reason to get you in trouble with your dad, I’m not holding a grudge against you for tackling me or anything.”

“Oh. Um.” Tallpaw gulped. “Well...thanks. I think.”

“Trust me, I wouldn’t be interested in talking to your dad for any reason. That sandy tom is your dad, right?”

Tallpaw blinked. How much had Sparrow been watching to even take note of that?

“I supposed I was worried you’d be just as rude and stuck up to us as him. We all make a point of avoiding him.” Sparrow said.

“I’d thank you not to talk about my father like that.” Tallpaw hissed defensively. “You don’t understand the pressure we’re under, and he’s doing more to protect our clan than any other cat right now.”

Sparrow looked a little surprised at Tallpaw’s shift in tone. Tallpaw was too, but his father was a great cat, and if he was rude to Sparrow it was probably because Sparrow was rude to everyone.

Sparrow blinked. “Sorry? I didn’t think it would be a big deal. I mean, I figured him being unpleasant was just an obviously observable fact. He snapped at me just for sitting here earlier. ‘Said he had gone all over looking for you and was annoyed that I didn’t know where you were, but I don’t see how that’s my fault. I guess he wants you for something. He’s waiting around camp.”

Tallpaw stared at him, “Wait, was that this morning? Why didn’t you start with that if you knew he was looking for me!?”

“Umm…” Sparrow trilled in thought. “Because I think he’s rude and annoying and I didn’t feel like doing him a favor? I say you should ditch him.”

“For StarClan’s sake! You have a lot of nerve calling any cat rude! I don’t have time for this!” Tallpaw picked up his rabbit and started dragging it around the hill. Before he disappeared into camp, he called over his shoulder, “and tell Fawnleap you made up that story! Clan cats don’t have time to mess around!”

It must be so easy for Sparrow, never having to defend anything and tagging along with his friends. He didn’t even seem to care much about the other cats in his group save for Hen and himself. Sparrow clearly didn’t know what it meant to care about anything bigger than his own paws. Tallpaw decided it was better not to try making friends with the loner after all, the last thing he needed to be doing was hanging around a cat that was antagonizing Sandstone. If Sparrow wanted to brood off on his own, then he could do what he liked and then he could leave with his friends and Tallpaw wouldn’t have to think of him ever again. Meanwhile, Sandstone was working his paws off trying to deal with so much. And I should have been back sooner…! His tail drooped, and the brief feeling of respite he’d had traveling to the woods near the farm was swept away. It was irresponsible to be going in the first place.

In camp, Tallpaw was surprised to see Sandstone talking with Dawnstripe. Dawnstripe looked a little exasperated, but she smiled at Tallpaw as he approached.

He held his rabbit up a little higher as he trotted past them. I hope at least this makes a good excuse for taking so long.

“Great catch!” Dawnstripe called, “I wish I’d seen it, your hunting is coming along well.”

Tallpaw looked expectantly at his father, who seemed a bit distracted but eventually nodded to him, and to his immense relief he didn’t look angry to be kept waiting.

“Yes, good job Tallpaw. I’ve been looking for you! I’ve been wanting to talk to you about our project.”

“O-oh, sure ok.” Tallpaw said through muffled fur, and hurriedly went to put his catch with the rest.

“Great news, don’t worry about moor training today. You’ll be joining me on an important excavation,” Sandstone said as soon as Tallpaw scurried back over to them.

“If you want to,” Dawnstripe added quickly. “And only if you have the energy for it after your errand. It’s a sudden change of plans, but Heatherstar has agreed that all apprentices should learn more about tunneling so they know how to be safe around them. Sandstone thinks today is a particularly good day for it.”

“And it is! Now is the perfect time, don’t you agree?”

Tallpaw felt his stomach clench with fear as his father looked into his eyes. This was too sudden. Go into the tunnels today? He hadn’t had time to prepare himself. By habit, he immediately started rushing through his head for an excuse to ease himself out of it.

Dawnstripe gave him a knowing look. “It only has to be some basics and safety tips, at least knowing what fragile places not to go running over.”

But Tallpaw knew his father, and he knew there was no way he was going to be satisfied with that.

The look Sandstone was giving him confirmed just that. “We’ll start with the basics and then get more in depth from there. Tallpaw can’t be kept away from his true calling forever, Dawnstripe. I think he’s been patient long enough. He’s waited moon for this!”

Sandstone’s voice glowed with an almost triumphant pride. Dawnstripe narrowed her eyes at him and Tallpaw suddenly remembered how he’d confessed to Dawnstripe on his first day how much he hated tunneling, but he hadn’t told her about not admitting that fact to his father.

Before she could say anything, Tallpaw spoke first, feigning a confidence that he didn’t feel. “Alright, I'll try it.”

“Excellent! See Dawnstripe? I knew he’d be excited for it.” Sandstone purred.

Tallpaw gave his mentor a wide-eyed desperate look. Please don’t say anything about it! Dawnstripe’s gaze was confused, and tinged with concern, but all she did was nod slowly and say, “Well, be careful. Follow all the rules.”

Tallpaw dipped his head to her quickly as Sandstone began herding him away back out of camp. Just one day, I owe it to him to try...maybe it won't be so bad. It was difficult to really believe that. A patrol of Plumclaw, Woollycloud, Crowfur, and Mistmouse were waiting for them.

Woollycloud blinked in surprise when he saw Tallpaw. “Good morning Tallpaw, I didn’t know you’d be joining us today.” He looked questioningly at Sandstone.

“Glad to see the young cat!” Crowfur said, “the more the merrier. Or the muddier, as I always say.”

Plumclaw winced and rolled her eyes at the terrible joke but she waved her tail at him in a welcoming gesture.

“I caught Dawnstripe before she went out with him again,” Sandstone said. “This will be an important step in our bigger project and I knew Tallpaw couldn’t miss it. When he gets farther in his tunneler training, this will provide invaluable experience.” Sandstone nudged Tallpaw “You're witnessing the beginning of history you know. WindClan’s future will have a reformed network that will make us safer and stronger than ever, and you’re finally going to be a part of that.”

Tallpaw nodded, trying and failing to work up the same level of enthusiasm.

Mistmouse cocked her head “I thought we were just doing another routine check of our recently enforced tunnels today?”

Sandstone shook his head “We were, but as I was inspecting them ahead of time, I noticed the tunnels in the eastern field have finally fully thawed underground and the dampness will make the walls easier to press together without it crumbling. It’s a perfect opportunity to reinforce it before any bad weather.”

Woollycloud narrowed his eyes in concern. “But we haven’t been able to confirm that the soil is stable enough to tunnel there. The moisture could make the roof heavier as well, and there's a rabbit warren very near the area we’d risk disturbing.”

“Don’t worry so much Woollycloud, trust me! It’s perfectly stable, and if it’s not, we’ll deal with it as we always do. But we have a limited window to show Heatherstar real progress so she’ll understand why this is a good idea! Now let’s go. Keep up Tallpaw, I’ll run you through the basics on the way.”

The anxiety pricking at Tallpaw’s stomach didn’t ease much as Sandstone rattled through the rules of tunnel etiquette as they walked. The exact distance to keep between yourself and the tunneler ahead of you, how to pack dirt to the side to keep it out of the way and reinforce walls, how to use your whiskers and nose instead of your eyes to feel the walls of the tunnel and sense the direction you were going, how to feel vibrations that signified the tunnel wall was unstable. He had a faint memory of Sandstone rambling off these things to him as a kit when he practiced, but it had been just as incomprehensible then. When the spiel finished, Tallpaw’s head was spinning and he found the more desperate he was to keep the information in his mind, the faster it would slip out again.

They arrived at the stretch of ground Tallpaw had tried hunting near earlier where the grass thinned out and damp earth poked through in patches. Sandstone led the patrol to a dip and Tallpaw saw a small area where the earth sloped down into a very narrow, very dark, and very cramped looking hole, just big enough for a cat to get through. He gulped.

“It gets wider once you're inside. The entrance is a bit small.” Woollycloud said, clearly noticing the tension in Tallpaw’s body.

“This will be just like the digging practice you did as a kit.” Sandstone said. “We’re going to check out the inside and see which branched off areas are sturdy enough to fix up and expand. This will be the entrance of the tunnel that comes out on the ShadowClan border, if we can get it that far. It will be long and complicated, but that’s intentional. The more confusing, the harder it will be for potential enemies to navigate it."

A whole maze of winding tunnels that a cat could easily get lost in... The ground in front of Tallpaw seemed to yawn like a hungry mouth, waiting to clamp down on him.

“Remember what I told you,” Sandstone continued, if he could sense Tallpaw’s apprehension he didn’t make any sign of it. “Woollycloud will go ahead, then me, and you’ll stick right behind me. Mistmouse will follow behind you at a tail length.”

“And Crowfur and I will go ahead and branch to the right to test out the other path.” Plumclaw added

“And I trust my old apprentice will have no trouble with that.” Sandstone nodded with pride.

Plumclaw led Crowfur into the tunnel with confidence. Tallpaw couldn’t help but feel a twinge of envy for the molly, so sure in her paw steps. She had been trained by his father and he always looked at her with approval. Stars, stop being a jealous kit and focus on what’s important right now, mouse-brain! Tallpaw chided himself.

When Woollycloud squeezed into the tunnel, Sandstone nodded to Tallpaw signaling for him to go next. He tried very hard not to visibly seize up as he put his paws at the tunnel entrance and squeezed down it.

The air became startlingly cooler against his face, and a damp chill quickly began working its way under his pelt. It was somehow even darker than Tallpaw had feared. Light quickly vanished behind them and there was nowhere else for the sun to peek through, or wind, or anything. The walls brushed against his sides, tugging uncomfortably at his fur. He was painfully aware of the weight of the earth increasing above his head as the tunnel sloped downward. Don’t think about it, don’t think about it, he repeated over and over.

“See Woollycloud?” he heard Sandstone say “The tunnel walls are still plenty sturdy.”

Woollycloud hummed in response “Perhaps. Mistmouse, the passage up here is too narrow for me, do you think you could squeeze on ahead?”

Tallpaw couldn’t see either of them, but he heard Woollycloud’s loud pawsteps get fainter. His tail twitched nervously and he accidentally whipped Mistmouse on the muzzle, who sneezed as his short hairs tickled her nose.

“Sorry.” Tallpaw croaked.

“It’s alright,” Mistmouse mewed. “I was nervous my first time too, it’s normal.”

Tallpaw felt more embarrassed than comforted, but he hoped she was right and that the thudding in his chest would stop soon. He had to awkwardly press himself to the side, but the lithe molly easily wiggled under him. He was afraid if he pushed the wall too hard, it might buckle.

“Come on, keep up!” He heard Sandstone’s eager mew suddenly farther ahead. Tallpaw hadn’t even noticed that he’d kept walking. “Let's check out this passageway. I think I remember it looping back around to the main path.”

“I can’t see you, where is your voice coming from?” Tallpaw’s mew was hoarse and shaky. Sandstone’s voice had a strange echo to it, trapped and bouncing off the walls, vibrating strangely against his sensitive ear fur. Even the noises down here sounded wrong and cramped.

“Remember to use your whiskers and your nose!” came Sandstone’s voice. Tallpaw couldn’t think clearly enough to use any sense. He had the distinct feeling any sudden or out of place movement would cause something to break, so he moved stiffly and carefully, crouched over and keeping his head ducked, careful not to touch any wall as if he could pretend that he wasn’t really trapped on all sides so long as he didn’t feel it. His chest was starting to ache as the pounding of his heart bordered on painful. It felt like he had to strain for every breath. He stumbled ahead blindly until he bumped into the stout form of Woollycloud.

“Don’t focus on what you can’t see,” the tunneler said. “You’ll soon be able to understand how to detect sound sources in the tunnels, in fact, you’ll be able to detect them even farther than above ground.”

“It feels hard to breathe.” Tallpaw gasped. “Is there air down here?”

“Yes, we can breathe.” Woollycloud said, a gentle purr rumbling in his chest to soothe the jittery apprentice. “Take deep, slow breaths. The air tastes different, but you won’t suffocate, I promise.”

Tallpaw nodded before remembering Woollycloud wouldn’t see it. Mistmouse had come back to join them, reporting that the tunnel did open up more but the soil of the main path was feeling a bit loose, and she didn’t feel comfortable digging to make it wider. Woollycloud grumbled something to himself

“I-is it safe?” Tallpaw whispered. He was still struggling to breathe normally.

“We’ll have to use the side path, the earth is made of sturdier material.” Woollycloud said. “Your father and I would never let anything bad happen to you. You're safe as long as you're with us. Just keep padding forward, I’ll be right behind you.”

Tallpaw felt the smallest bit better as he adjusted to the dark. The air still felt thick and musty, but his lungs were working. Perhaps it was just in his head. Earthy walls brushed against his whiskers when the path widened and narrowed. He decided to close his eyes so he wouldn’t think about not being able to see, but then he was so focused on the walls that he almost ran into Sandstone.

“Here is where we’ll start digging.” Sandstone said. “This was an unfinished extra passage from moons ago, and it should loop around to the main path. Come put your paws here.” Tallpaw pawed in the dark until his father’s larger paw pressed his against the earth. “Start from higher up and work your way down to create a large enough path.”

Tallpaw obediently started to claw cautiously at the earth. Woollycloud had hung back and Tallpaw heard him sniffing at the walls as Mistmouse squeezed around to join them, her nimble paws already burrowing at the earth in small fast strokes. Tallpaw winced as his claw snagged a rock. The damp earth oozed and clumped uncomfortably under his toes. Every time he felt soil crumble, he winced, wondering if it would take the roof down with it.

“Are you sure it’s stable enough to do this?” he squeaked.

His heart sank as he heard Sandstone let out a short irritated sigh. “Tallpaw, this is my life's work. You don’t know what you’re doing yet. Don’t think, just listen to me and let me guide your claws. I’ll place your paws where they need to be”

“Ok...” Tallpaw mewed quietly.

“It can take half a day to make progress,” Sandstone said. “Slow and steady work. Of course, it’s faster the more paws we have.”

There was a hint in his voice that said ‘paws like yours would make it faster,’ and Tallpaw grimaced. It felt like it had been days already and Tallpaw never quite got over the feeling that the air was too thick to breathe. His shoulders were already sore and he longed to stretch out, but between the body of his father and Mistmouse, he couldn’t. He was stuck in the cramped, stuffy dark, trying very hard not to think about how heavy the world above him was. Just keep digging and stop thinking about it! This was his father's pride. It was important, it wasn’t supposed to be fun. What kind of warrior cared more about what they wanted than what was needed? After a while of shoving his negative thoughts down, he almost started to feel a rhythm for it as his father showed him how to press the earth to the side so it didn’t get in their way. He could space out enough and just focus on the pattern rather than the nervousness fluttering in his belly like a trapped bird. Woollycloud was close behind them focusing on smoothing and pressing down the soil in their wake. Tallpaw couldn’t help but catch a sense of apprehension in him.

“Rabbits used to use these tunnels,” the big tom said to himself. “But all the scent around here is stale. It’s strange, since there should be a warren so close.”

“I hadn’t noticed,” Sandstone replied. “They’ll come around again, and this will be an advantageous hunting spot as well.”

“Sandstone,” Woollycloud had a hint of worry in his voice, and Tallpaw froze automatically. “The soil here doesn’t smell like clay anymore. I don’t think we should dig further just yet. Maybe we should change direction.”

“We’re close, Woollycloud, it will be fine.” Sandstone panted. He seemed so eager, so sure, but Tallpaw heard Woollycloud’s tail flicking. Mistmouse had slowed down too.

Tallpaw was caught up in his father's stride and didn’t quite notice when Mistmouse said, “Hold on, do you smell that? It smells like water. The soil is much wetter here. Have we reached the marshy ground already?”

Tallpaw finally froze in place when his claws squelched loudly as they contacted mud. Something shifted above his head.

“Oh StarClan,” he heard Woollycloud whisper, and in a moment Tallpaw could have sworn his heart stopped beating.

“Don’t start panicking,” Sandstone hissed to him, “Let’s just step back and--”

The earth under Tallpaw’s paw buckled inward, sucking his pads into the ground. The solid seeming roof above his head bowed downward ever so slightly, more ooze than solid. He couldn’t see it, but he felt it. He could have sworn he heard a creak in the earth, a sound that sent a jolt down Tallpaw’s spine. Were there rocks above his head waiting to come loose? Nightmares from his kithood swirled in his vision, the earth cracking, an unnatural rattle of death surrounding him on all sides, promising to sink him into the rotting, choking earth, crushing the air from his lungs and the bones in his body. It all flashed through in an instant, he couldn’t move, he forgot how to breathe, he was frozen, staring at where he could picture the roof of the tunnel bowing down another hair's breadth.

“Tallpaw, we need to--”

There was a warning in his father's voice, Woollycloud said something but Tallpaw’s heart had started hammering so loud it echoed in his ears. A tiny clod of dirt fell from the roof and bounced off his muzzle. That was all it took for every bit of tension in his body to break all at once. The panic he’d held back and stuffed down burst forward like a violent flood, and Tallpaw wheeled around with a screech. Whatever was in front of him was knocked to the side, and just behind him the earth growled and the roof started to sink in. Tallpaw heard a screech of fear and pain and he wasn’t sure if it was coming from him or not, he was only able to run, and run he did.

He couldn’t see and he couldn’t focus on his senses. He tried to remember the way they had come in, but they had twisted and turned so much there was no way to keep it straight and his mind was too shot through with panic to bother trying.

“Wait Tallpaw!” That might have been Woollycloud, or it might have been his father, he couldn’t tell in the echo of the tunnel. “We must stay together! Keep to the right!” they yowled.

Tallpaw screeched as he smashed headlong into a hard wall. Pain flashed through his muzzle, but he barely registered it for more than a second before he was running again. faster faster faster his mind chanted in increasing dread I’m going to be trapped, i’m going to be lost, i’ll be crushed, help, help, please someone help! Where's the light? Where where where-- His own thoughts hardly felt like words anymore as they dissolved into frightened babbling and yowling for a way out of this nightmare. He thought he’d reached a dead end and wheeled around with a ragged wail of fear and helplessness, starting again in another direction, but he was turned around now and he didn’t know if he was running back the way he’d come. He smashed into something he thought was a wall, but it yowled back at him and yanked him another direction with a rough bite to his scruff.

“That way, you mouse-brain! Keep your head on and go straight!”

Tallpaw was in no position to fight against it and let himself be herded onward by whoever was just at his pawsteps, shoving him left and right, and grabbing his tail hard when he tried to turn the wrong way, until, to the greatest relief Tallpaw had ever felt in his life, light started to enter his vision. It grew until Tallpaw dove out of the hole they had come in through, tumbled over his paws and landed with a thump on his belly, gasping for breath. Plumclaw was standing over him glowering, her ruffled gray fur bristling. “What in StarClan’s name was all that!? Where did you think you were going?”

Tallpaw couldn’t answer. He was panting and shaking too hard. Suddenly all of them were surrounding him, saying things at him, it all just sounded like noise. Tallpaw’s body was telling him to run, and it was a struggle not to give into it. The thing that finally broke through the noise was his father.

“Tallpaw!” Sandstone yowled, and Tallpaw jumped as he realized he’d been yowling for a while now.

“W-What?” Tallpaw wheezed.

“What have I told you over and over? You don’t ever ever panic like that when you're underground! You nearly got Mistmouse seriously hurt and you ignored every order! You’re lucky Plumclaw found you before you ended up completely lost, I told you to stay with me no matter what!”

“M-Mistmouse?” Tallpaw stuttered in a daze. His gaze blearily settled on the small dusty gray tabby. There was a gash just behind her front leg and Plumclaw was beside her trying to lick the dirt from the cut.

“You piled into her and knocked her into the wall when you ran! Don’t you know how dangerous that is? Why didn’t you trust me?”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t know what happened--” his sentence choked off with a ragged gasping cough. His lungs were still not cooperating.

“Give him a moment,” he heard Woollycloud’s voice. “He’s had a fright”

“I’m alright,” Mistmouse offered, though there was a quiver in her voice as well. “It’s not so bad…”

“Don’t make light of the situation, Mistmouse!” Sandstone growled.

“I didn’t mean to,” Tallpaw tried, “I thought I was going to be crushed like--”

He almost said “like Leafshine”, but he caught himself.

“Of course you wouldn’t have been!” Sandstone snapped. “The collapse was only a couple tail lengths long. We could have stepped back and been alright, but we had to help Mistmouse up to get her out and then find you.”

“The important thing,” Woollycloud said, “Is that all of us are here and safe.”

Sandstone took a breath trying to rein in his anger, and gave Tallpaw a withering look. “Tallpaw, but what happened to you in there? Why didn’t you listen when I told you to stop?”

Tallpaw didn’t know what to say. Shame started to replace the panic squeezing at his chest, threatening to crush him the same way the earth had tried to.

“I’m sorry” he whispered again, feeling his voice had abandoned him along with the rest of his strength. “I don’t know what came over me I was just--I was just so scared.” A flicker of frustration began to burn under the shame and lingering fear. The frustration must have come through if only for a moment as some small, very small, part of Tallpaw was crying out that it wasn’t fair for Sandstone to have expected this. “You were saying so much and I didn’t know how to keep it all straight! I can’t remember everything you say when I only had the morning!” He was surprised to hear it in his voice, as weak as it was. He’d never sounded even a little cross with his father before.

Sandstone glared at him for a long moment. Then he shook his head and fell silent. Tallpaw’s frustration was snuffed out as every long second that passed by sent that crushing shame clawing further up his throat. He expected his father to match his frustration with a bellowing anger, but instead after several agonizing heartbeats, what he finally said was “No...I blame myself.”

Tallpaw was confused by the sudden change of tone and immediately regretted his little outburst after seeing the hurt on his father’s face. Sandstone had flipped from anger to dejection in a heartbeat.

“W-what? No, it wasn’t your fault,” Tallpaw stuttered. He was the one that panicked, why would it be Sandstone’s fault?

“I delayed this too long.” Sandstone gritted his teeth. “I expected my kit to be such a natural, you should be more than ready by now, but I didn’t push hard enough against Heatherstar. I let you go on, thinking that you would get sick of moor running on your own and neglected the precious training time you had when you were younger. It’s my fault for not trying harder to prepare you.”

Tallpaw wished desperately Sandstone had just yelled at him, the bleakness in his father's eyes hurt more than anything.

“No, no, it won’t--!” Tallpaw started, but his voice caught in his throat as the sentence choked before it came out. He almost said ‘it won’t happen next time, next time i’m sure i’ll do better.’ But he didn’t know how to continue. Next time? What next time? How could he bear going down there again?

Woollycloud stepped forward. “We should go back to camp and let Mistmouse get looked at. We’ll also need to have a meeting between us. I don’t know if these tunnels are going to be able to do what we want them to do.” His voice sounded hard in a way Tallpaw wasn’t accustomed to hearing from the gentle tom. Tallpaw was afraid to look up at him.

Mistmouse walked with a bit of a limp that sent another wave of guilt crashing over the still shaky apprentice. His panic hadn’t just hurt him, but his clanmates as well. He wondered if Ryewhisker and her siblings would be angry with him for putting their mother in danger.

As they walked, Woollycloud leaned down and whispered to Tallpaw, who was trailing behind the group, “It’s alright. This was...a lot to ask of you for your first tunneling experience.”

I should have been able to do this though... He looked after Sandstone miserably. He couldn’t bear to see his father look at him with such disappointment. Tallpaw just wanted him to be happy. But he never would be, not if this is all he wanted his son to do.

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#cw emotional manipulation #cw claustrophobia #FRU17 #chapter 17

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