#i just hope it feels better tomorrow morning
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my ribs and back are aching a lot more than usual after binding for way too long and every time i try to talk to my mum about it she just says its just my bad posture making my muscles tense. which, thats undoubtably contributing to it, but i very frequently have back pain like that and this feels completely different and much worse. im genuinely very worried about this and in a lot of pain and it just feels like im getting dismissed over and over.
#ez.txt#im genuinely scared and her telling me that she's felt pain much worse than this and she was fine is really not helping#im just pissed and in pain and i have a field trip tmr that requires a lot of physical exercise tmr and idk how im gonna do it#i just hope it feels better tomorrow morning#another reason im concerned is that my back pain is usually gone within an hour and its been a lot longer and it still feels just as bad
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#talked to my credit union about pre-approval for an auto loan. im gonna frow up#tldr; i just started a new job after completely depleting my savings over the last couple months#and my fucking car has decided that NOW is the time it wants to begin its death throws after 17 years & 190k miles#so rather than wait for the engine to explode on the highway or something i'm spending money i don't have#(many thousands of dollars that i will need to borrow. specifically. š¤¢)#to shell out for a newer & hopefully more reliable car before winter hits. and then i'm just gonna pray my new income can cover it!!!!!#on one hand i'm excited cuz it'll be the first car i've ever owned that wasn't a shitty hand-me-down with over 150k on it already#and i am absolutely drooooooling over the one i'm gonna test drive tomorrow#but on the other hand. it feels very precarious to take on this amount of debt right now and i'm FREAKING THE FUCK OUT.#i was worrying this morning tha ri was rushing into things and maybe it would be better to try to hold off for a couple months#but then i had to use my own car for work today instead of a fleet vehicle and the engine started displaying Silly Behaviors*#(*RPMs doing whatever they feel like randomly & a noticeable Clunk whenever i'd shift gears)#and since this thing has already cost like 1k in two emergency mechanic trips in the last two months#i feel justified in my decision to just take the L and hope nobody will look at it too closely when assessing its trade-in value š#ctxt#money talk cw
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We feeling like nothing tonight. ā
#this morning was alright and I was vibing and had some fun ideas I doodled.#buuuut eugh I'm tired and all my fun interests feel really far away and I can't do the things I feel like I should be able to do#I know this is the kind of situation where I have to accept defeat for the day and just go to sleep as soon as possible#hope I feel better tomorrow etc etc but. I don't like accepting defeat. :(#*text#why do I almost always feel more zoned out when I get MORE sleep? That's really unintuitive#I keep wanting to do More like maybe I can try harder and just draw things out a little more and fix the problem.#but that just wastes time. I seem to be doing everything wrong. I don't know what I need or want right now.#that's a lot of words which are likely incomprehensible or at the very least meaningless to everyone. sorry chat.
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so sad that i missed the livestream today, but i'm unfortunately still sick and my body just gave up when i woke up at 5:30.
#sometimes you just have to choose sleep#and no i don't feel any better but at least i'm not extremely exhausted#i still have to go to work so i decided that maybe it's not a good idea to do this today#i don't have work tomorrow tho so i may try to get up cause i can always take a nap after the livestream#idk#my coworker said she thinks i have covid lmao i hope not#in all seriousness#i feel like shit and i want to die#and yes i'm still going to work#also good morning#i say whatever and whatever that i want*
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I slept 18 hours today and my dreams were wild. Ranged from cute stuff with Toji to trying to become friends with Art the clown???
#-ĖĖ ą¼»sunlit serenade#yapping from the afterlife#Fever boiled my brain like an egg#just wanted to let you guys know I'm alive and feeling a bit better so let's hope I can read more fics tomorrow#idk if I'll call in sick again I'll see in the morning#going back to bed now
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Tomorrow I have to make ten pounds of cake for my step grandma's funeral thingie on Saturday which is also the same day as the fundraising event and I still feel yucky from the chlorine š I don't wanna do anything until October
#tbh kind of nauseous too but i cant tell if thats from the chlorine or from anxiety about the chlorine#either way#bad day#ugh and tomorrow its going to be around 90 and baking all of that cake is going to suck big time#i just hope i feel better in the morning
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did 90 pages of my reading for three different classes is everyone proud of me :) finished the chapter on judaism for my sacred texts class, read "an apology for poetry" by sir philip sidney for my lit theory class, and did my two chapters of reading from the truth about stories by thomas king for my folklore and mythology class. and wrote a summary paper on that sacred texts chapter. and did my little writing assignment for my french class. all while sick. who is going to kiss me on the forehead and tell me i did a good job
#read an absolutely inordinate amount of hannibal fanfic in the time inbetween and it's frankly impressive that i got anything done#considering the sheer volume of words i consumed on ao3 today. but that's simply the way and nature of things#so tomorrow i have until 12:30 to do a journal assignment for folklore and mythology#and also to read billy budd by herman melville which the internet says should take an hour and a half. easy peasy. baby reading#hoping i feel better when i wake up tomorrow. called out of work for the morning so i just have to be well enough#to get through that like. six hour period of school between 1:30 and 6:45 :/#masked up and hands sanitized and body dayquil'd. obviously. and i'm covid negative i think i just genuinely have stress sickness#felt this sore throat coming on for like two weeks before it actually hit yesterday the moment i got a good night's sleep. so. haha#shout out to the exhaustion sickness! sorry for being so rough on you body. i'll try not to schedule you for activities#from the moment you wake up to the moment you go to bed again. i don't make the best of decisions#valentine notes
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i donāt even have the energy to be annoyed when my parents get on their bullshit iām just like yeah this is why i got a job and why im saving money lol
#keep it up#theyāre just bitter and reminding me why iām gonna move out soon as i can#hopefully i can do it in under two years#gonna try to work on comms tomorrow my sister bent my wrist being a terror#so itās like weirdly sprained??? or sore??#hope it feels better in the. morning or at least neutral while i draw lol
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#I have spent. 8 almost 9 hours resetting my laptop. I chose the option to keep all my files but uninstall apps. and it has been restarting#and installing for almost 9 hours. yeah I get that the process will be long. but ffs#I have been bored the past few hours so I watched the smile movie bc I got reminded of it yesterday#it was pretty bad. the couple gorey scenes towards the end were nice but some of the acting and writing was just terrible#I was also hoping the movie wouldāve taken a different turn. I think it wouldāve made it more.. idk. I canāt think of the right term.-#-it just wouldāve made it better I think.#Iāve also eaten a lot today. more than I usually do. more than I have in months and years and im upset about that. im already bloated.#I hope I donāt work tomorrow. I have to call in in the morning to check. and I donāt mind working but rn I just kind of want to spend the#day relaxing#Iāve spent almost 9 hours on this resetting part. and 4 extra hours trying to simply repair it in restarts#I also need to clean up my room. a lot of it. and clean my pets cage. itās ant season now and im really stressed about that#the smell of sharpie returns and I am just. overwhelmed. I have 3 days to prepare for my special week long activity and im not happy about-#-that.#I also had some feelings earlier that im stressed over too.#im being vague about that bc i just donāt want to go off about that to everyone#im tired and overwhelmed i just want my laptop to finish resetting so i can stop fretting about this. i want to sleep#im tired. of so much#to delete later
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My boss literally told me I didn't have to work today after I asked to work from home because I wasn't feeling well and I STILL feel guilty logging off after only 7.6 hours of work instead of the usual 9
#how does one get over this#(this is like two decades of listening to my mom complain about people calling out and herself going in when shes sick. i know this.#it's her voice i hear in my head whenever these feelings come up. and she happens to have the day off so yipiee)#don't mind me#literally no one at work is going to care#i got a lot done#but now I'm going to lay in bed and hope that helps me feel even better tomorrow#i think some of that guilt is coming from the fact that i do feel better then i did this morning#anyway no one needs to listen to me ramble about this#i just needed to get it out of me so i can go watch shows in bed and feel less guilty about it
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can i maybe ask for any questions you might have about my muses, our dynamics, etc.?
#the plan was to stay away until tomorrow morning to have a fresh mind#and i really and truly appreciate the comments yāall left on my last post š they really really made me feel better#but something happened ooc and i just want something else to focus on bc sometimes itās really hard to break my brain out of#fixating on the thing thatās got me worked up#iām calming down after writing the longest vent that will never see the light of day bc itās too personal#but now i just keep thinking about it and i feel like itās ruined my evening after i was trying to cheer up and i donāt want that#iām sorry iām talking too much about this and ranting/venting again!! iām a bit of a mess tonight#thank you for being patient but also kind š i hope i can always return it š#get ready to ramble | ooc#tw negative#tw vent
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#I think Iām probably not feeling movement yet as itās still a bit early#but I am feeling SOMETHING and I can only describe it as like#if something with a gentle vibration pattern were lodged in my insides#kinda fluttery#my SIL says be careful what you wish for itās fun at first and then theyāre just kicking you 24/7 for months#lol#anyway I definitely felt better as the day went on today#this morning I was still so sick I couldnāt even read I just lay around dozing#but tonight I feel marginally more human just with chest cold symptoms#night will be tough bc everything drains down the back of your throat ugh#but hopefully I will feel even better tomorrow!!!! I live in hope!!!#I also started slow horses and am into it so far
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donāt u hate when ur throat hurts š«
the back of my throat literally feels so dry and I hate it
#Another little rant into the void#I apologize#pls ignore me#anyways#i really hope I feel better by tomorrow morning#And this just goes away on its own#I hate it#eeeeee#i really hope Iām not getting sick#I feel kinda yucky tho#Ugh#anyway#my post
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#tfw a wave of pain that hits u so hard ur like. uh oh. i gotta go home now#i put stuff in the autoclave and then it hit me so hard i started sweating. i limped home. layed on the floor for half and hour#and then wandered back to pick up the glassware and go back home#i feel a lot better now that the ibuprofen has kicked in and im laying down. but woof. usually i dont get any pain#but then come the weeks like this. my sympathies for the ppl with sever and consistant period pain. i do not envy u#<- i wrote that this morning. i feel pretty normal now. hope that doesn't happen again tomorrow bc that sucked#now i just gotta stress abt finding an apartment and thinking abt what i wanna draw#like do i do something for b4rricade day. or n4ruto. or b4tman. im really feeling thr b4tman vibes#or do i just do nature stuff. ugh but god that takes so long with the coloring. oh shit. i aslo have a m3rlin thing half done#so many options. so much going on. my chaotic brain is flailing. just pick something bro#unrelated
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hate that you can have possibly the most horrific realisation of your life and your body completely freaks out and starts fighting itself and you are just expected to keep going with your day like normal. i feel like maybe i should get a month away from any and all responsibilities at the very least to recover and adjust to having this knowledge
#my god!!! my god!!! the horrors do not end!!!#in fact old horrors will come back to haunt you again!!!#i wish i had not gone digging and prodding but oops i am so stupid and also i cannot stop my brain from putting pieces together!!#i have a counseling appt tomorrow but i honestly dont think i can bring this up. how do u bring up such a thing! esp when u have no proof!#i do not think the pieces would all fit together so perfectly and the body and brain would not react so violently if it were not true thoug#i do not want it to be true dear fucking god can this not be true please. can i be mistaken maybe. can it be just a series of coincidences.#i do not know how to cope with this if it is true. and the most awful thing is i'll likely never know for sure#i do not have memory of any of those times. i will never know unless another part comes forward w memories#and maybe its better to not know? but i feel sick. i feel so very sick!! i cannot deal w this!!#Chase took over for half the day and he's sooo pissed at me for digging but i sincerely could not stop putting things together#everyone in the brain is so mad at me i think fsdjkl i feel so awful and sick and the body is so fucked up now#i want to bring it up w counselor but i'd have to bring up a lot of other things and she's about to go on pregnancy/maternity leave#i dont want to be... burdensome. and idk who will be replacing her#idk !!! i wish i could just undo all of that thinking this morning!! i fucked up!! i shouldnt have thought about it!!#i regret it but i also cannot stop wanting to know the truth!! and i hate this!! i dont want this to be real!! please i hope its not!!#pippen needs 2nd breakfast
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How do I even begin to feel normal again. Wtf even happened in the last two days
#I threw off my routine and now Iām sad :(#And I canāt make myself feel better because I did the thing :(#This would actually sound so stupid with full context not that I actually care#In short some fucker bought biscuits even though I say not to buy biscuits that are vegan cause Iāll just eat them all#And now Iāve fucking eaten them all and I feel like shit so I canāt have my bath because I feel like shit#And Iām not gonna have any room for self improvement because self care day isnāt until fucking Thursday#Iām hoping to feel better tomorrow at least because I have a late start so chill morning and such#But then still working so I feel good because Iāve been outside and done something to my brain#If I charge my batteries in my CD player and pick out some music thatāll make me feel better tho :) Iām gonna do that#And Iām gonna try and buy some easy peelers and prepare myself for Wednesday!!!!!!!#Iām going to start trying to do more walks too even though it gets too dark to go after college now which is sad. I need my goddamn walks!!
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