#i just hate everything including myself
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sorry for doing this again but how are ppl seriously claiming that rin and haru werent written with the subtext of having any romantic tension……… what the fuck do you think the association with sakura trees means in japan???? the power of friendship??? commodore between men?? it means gay sex fall in love. like come the fuck on
#read my ship discourse below boy#mh fans do this the most and its so unfair bc they are so stubborn abt meeting halfway#like i 100% believe makoto is in love with haru. like intentionally written to be in love with haru full stop#trouble is he does not reciprocate and this is made very clear by. everything he thinks in relation to makoto vs rin#and like obv we’re never going to agree on this but at least i can agree on SOMETHING#but so many mh fans it feels like are so dead set on the belief that haru has never thought of rin a day in his life#and rin fucking hates haru actually and only likes him for his swimming and forgets he exists when hes not swimming#like i dont expect fujoshis in a ship war to exhibit an honor code myself included but cmon that kind of bad faith reading just isnt fair#rinharu#rin matsuoka
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i propose we kill walmart
#y'all have no clue the amount of frustration that stupid grocery store put me through this night#i'm feeling rageful#i feel like if i tried to type it all out i'd just start crying again#so i'm just gonna angrily eat some chips and watch the office about it#because today has SUCKED and i need some fictional characters to make me believe in love again#oh Lord! please help me to stop hating everything#including myself
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i've been following vivzie for agesss but it took until the huskerdust win in episode 4 for me to finally make a sideblog so yeah expect a lot more of these losers on here while i figure out how to draw them<3 click for quality coz tumblr hates me
#i have so many doodles of them this was just the very first but they're so much fun to draw 😭#i'll post the rest once i've cleaned them up but everything is on one single sketch layer (this included) coz i hate myself#hazbin hotel#hellaverse#husk hazbin hotel#huskerdust#huskerdust fanart#angel dust#angel dust x husk#husk x angel dust#fanart#fan art#drawing
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Doctor Who crossover where the 15th Doctor gets flung into the universe of Spider-Punk and helps him prevent a catastrophic canon event from happening (that is one of the Doctor’s specialties, after all). Hobie and the Doctor hit it off and play electric guitar together. All is well.
#okok hear me out guys#disney shares the rights to spiderman and has at minimum the us distribution rights in the us#i hate monopolies but-#(im KIDDING if anyone said that in earnest i would kick them)#but like also if Disney already owns everything anyway they should absolutely do nonsensical major crossover events#i wanna see phineas and ferb and the owl house and gravity falls#just the randomest shows with incongruent art styles/filmography smushed together#again this includes my genius doctor who and spiderman crossover#if this hasn’t happened in a comic yet i will make it MYSELF#doctor who#spider punk#hobie brown#astv#astv hobie#across the spiderverse#15th doctor#ncuti gatwa
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[ID: an uncoloured drawing for a panel next to the publicized version. They're both from the comic Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #194. In them, Batman is shown from the waist up. He's looking at Jim Gordon, who's off panel, with a penitent expression after being accused of something he secretly did do. He has his palm pressed against his chest and is blocking the bat emblem as his other hand is clasped ontop of it. In the initial drawing, there's a halo floating above his head as well as several tiny hearts mixed in with the lights that surround him. In the publicized panel, the hearts and halo has been removed and two speech bubbles have been added. He's in front of a terra rose background and is starting to say, “Jim, I don't even know what you're...” But Jim cuts him off, saying, “Stop it. I'm tired of this.”
The third photo is a description of the drawing from the artist's (Seth Fisher) website. It reads: This is another page that the DC editors changed: no halos or hearts around Batman, no matter how (disingenuously) contrite he is. In the final edition, the halo and heart in the center bottom frame have been excised.]
#happy sad boy sunday !!!#this counts because he's getting broken up with and because im sad bc they removed the halo and hearts#included the link to the website on the word too :3 in case any of u wanted to see his unpublished work too#deleting a big ol rant that no one cares about but basically:#hate seeing how much creativity and personality gets edited and removed despite it being the artist's job & how you have rememberable#and remarkable art. i get the editors got an important job but at the same time at what point do you allow art and personality to exist#just to make comics more fun to read/look at instead of basing everything on a capitalistic stoic reputation that#youre responsible for creating?? turning batman into a symbol of unwavering compassion and empathy and the reminder theres always stars#even on the darkest night if you remember to look up. him going from being a symbol of hope and humanity to being a character#that cant fucking have a heart or visual compassion out of fear they cant market him more or ruin that fragile reputation.#they make editing decisions based on it as a product instead of it as a character/story or an artform and god does it show.#happy sad boy sunday bc shutting down artistic freedom and expressionism for capitalistic reasonings is making me want to shoot myself 🥰🥰#c: batman: legends of the dark knight | i: 194#crypt's panels#batman#posts from the crypt
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ughhh I need to stop having mental breakdowns over little things.
#vent in tags#chat sesh with iris#vent#tw vent#I feel like everyone hates me and even you all hope I die and nobody likes my ships bc everyone thinks I’m not good enough for my f/os#and the worst part is that none of it is unfounded!!!#none of my friends are talking to me AT ALL anymore even when I start conversations#(including in text)#while they actively talk to other people WHERE I CAN SEE IT!!!#only one of my friends is and all they do is send me anti bs and go ‘omggg these people are so weird!!!’ about like anyone who ships with-#certain characters (including ones that I SHIP WITH!!! which is why I don’t talk about it other than here)#people are like ‘omggg… I hate it when men like these characters. you don’t get them and they’d never love you.’ about my f/os#which triggers dysphoria and self loathing and fear about my ships#tw suicidal ideation#<- somewhat#I don’t like anything about myself and I don’t deserve anything that I have#man. I don’t even want to be here anymore#also I have severe mental illness that has caused a lack of possibility for happiness that lasts longer than fleeting moments#I have not spoken (like aloud) to anyone other than my parents since THE THIRD!!!#I’m going to ask my psychiatrist for testosterone on Wednesday but idek if I’m gonna make it until then#probably I will because I’m too depressed to gather the energy to do it#also she might even say no or not be able to prescribe it#and this isn’t even why I’m the most upset rn but I REALLY need a win#also my mom was like ‘you haven’t given me another name so I’ll just keep calling you the name I gave you 😊😊😊.’ instead of. idk. asking me?#tw suicide#okay yeah the tag is fully warranted now#I like know how I’d do it and everything#I also had a panic attack because I couldn’t find my quilt hashtag just autism things!!!#not takeover#obviously
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why do you write? what do you think about, what drives you?
passion love grief rage spite confusion loneliness community shame boredom perfectionism fun because i dont know how to stop
#ive written stories ever since i learnt TO write. i remember being no older than 6/7 writing pages and pages worth#of a story about my cat and the adventures he got up to with the fairies in our garden#in year 6 i won an award for writing in year 7 i got published in a poetry anthology#in year 8 my writing was such a massive part of me and my emotions that i swore off using my laptop#(which had been and still is what i use to write)#for 2 whole YEARS bc i convinced myself at that age that my mind was evil#and therefore my writing was evil. and i still have a lot of that shame w me ive talked about it a lot on here#but u know what? in those 2 years where i refused to open a document and write 'properly'#all that happened was i wrote on my phone in my notes app. even when i thought it was disgusting and forbidden and bad#i still couldn't help it. i kept it as a dirty secret even when i was convinced it would be genuinely physically damaging#and i cant even really say why. i just had to. and now im here a decade later. still writing#i cant really answer your question bc the response is too large too heavy too all-encompassing#writing is everything to me and it always has been. that includes every single bad thing but every good thing too#i hate it and love it and want it dead and need it to hold my hand and it will always be some sort of surgery#and it's just a silly hobby. do u get it#ask
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My fucking coworker gave me covid and because of that my mom now has it. And unlike me (who seems to be recovering from it fine with only slight problems) my mom isn't.
#My dumb as fuck coworker didn't mask up or anything!#Talking about I didn't stay home because I couldn't find anyone to cover my shift#Nevermind they deadass didn't wear a mask or anything! Just face out breathing and touching everything#No fuck that! Now five other people including myself are damn sick!#I swear I fucking hate people
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Lol I keep on doing this, saying I'd come back to tumblr to only disappear again 😂😭
#and i hate it bc i miss being on here#but also i don't have to force myself or feel guilty for it#bc if i'm fr being on social media is just so time consuming and also not what is good for my mental health often#and that includes tumblr#it's not even that it's a toxic place (at least not the content i'm consuming) but sometimes i just rather spend my time with people irl#meeting someone than on social media and like focus on my life#the last month or so was just really difficult for me and i haven't been feeling so bad mentally in forever#i mean it always is like that that time of the year but i feel like i was worse this year#whenever autumn comes around with the darkness and cold i seem to hit a low mentally#when i tell you how much better my mood is in summer spring how much better i feel everyday regardless of everything else#i get people like autumn but for me its literally the worst and winter too altough at some point it gets better#maybe i adapt and maybe because i spend more time outside around christmas when i go home that's usually a turning point#and ig also the lights of december make it a bit better#but mid october to november is awful#this year the weather was much worse beginning of october was much worse#i feel like i lowkey have this seasonal mood disorder idk#but i barely managed to go to classes and i had no motivation#usually i always make myself study and do the things i have to atleast altough i often terribly procrastinate#but now i was barely able to do this and i had things to do but i couldn't make myself i missed a deadline closely#luckily my professors are the best but i felt so horrible for it how i was unable to get it done#sunlight is just so good for my mood and ik how doctors say how you should avoid it because you can get skincancer#but like i'd rather than my mental health being this bad (not that i want either)#i already miss summer so much and being happier#but tbh i haven't felt this good as I do today in weeks and even this whole week was better#i exercised more than usual altough i tried to in the last weeks i couldn't as often as i normally do so maybe this actually helps a lot#and i studied yesterday today and i will tomorrow i finally feel motivation again#besides i also tried to break up with my bf so that was also tough but i couldn't lol#i tried talking to him and tell him in the nicest way but he didn't get what i was trying to do and i couldn't say more bc i felt horrible#but maybe that's for the better altough i had these thoughts for a while that he just isn't the one for me and that we're too different...#i do really like him as a person the way he treats me and i'm still into him but i just felt like it wouldn't work
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Shuffle your favourite playlist and post the first five songs that come up. Then copy/paste this ask to your favourite mutuals <3 (ps if there's not at least 2 Swift songs in there I will be shocked)
❤️ I shuffled my On Repeat Playlist (I don't really have a singular favorite) and only got one Taylor Swift song somehow 😆 Fitting that it's shaping up to be my favorite from her latest album though. I do have two Olivia songs for you, however 😌
1. My Favorite Mistake - Sheryl Crow
2. obsessed - Olivia Rodrigo
3. Song About You - The Band CAMINO
4. Who's Afraid of Little Old Me? - Taylor Swift
5. girl i've always been - Olivia Rodrigo
#ask game#thanks for including me ❤️#ngl my instinct was to omit Taylor’s song...she's been getting a lot of hate in the wake of the new album#and I know most people are sick of her#but also that I've been a bit poisoned by all of it lately to the point of feeling kind of ashamed for just liking her music#idk I know a lot of people are weird or pretentious about that#to the point where I hesitate to call myself a fan#and I definitely do NOT condone everything she does or like worship her or whatever#but I do like this new album I didn't really care for her last one#it's dense and feels like a diary and can get stream of consciousnesslike which#I honestly think works for and against it#the new one not the last one#but I can't even look through her tag right now because it's SO full of hate#anyway...sorry#didn't realize I was sitting on all of that I guess#but to end positively#I really like the metaphors and the way she's playing this dramatic caricature of herself in the song listed
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im struggling to word this, but sometimes when it comes to sex my brain simulataneously decides if anybody thinks or looks about me sexually ill throw up if im not too busy clawing my skin off but also that i have somehow coerced every single flirtation, encounter, or sex act without ever realising i did that and i have left a trail of uncomfortable interactions where the other party only pretended to find me sexually desireable or fun to flirt with because they didnt feel like they could say no. both victim and perpetrator. i call it relapsing into protestant guilt mode. and its not how i wanted to start 2024.
#charlie.txt#i call it protestant guilt mode but its actually just a near-lifetime of suffering from intrusive thoughts#this also includes benignly talking abt sex#everything feels like an assault when im in these moods and i hate it#because i tell myself im being irrational but then i tell myself if im not being irrational im just justifying my own moral bankruptcy#this was triggered by a message that wasnt even directed at me like#wtf man
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Who else up past their bedtime having a Real Normal Time
#normally my insomnia isn't a really a problem on weekends#when i don't have to get up for work#but I've been kept up long enough now that I've hit that point#of hating everyone and everything including myself#tw depression#just gotta keep telling myself I'll feel better once I've finally slept#would be kinda nice if it's true
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i just realised. i don't really love ttpd as a whole album
#THIS IS IN COMPARISON TO HER OTHER ALBUMS#like if i was tier ranking her albums#it would probably be 9th/10th/11th#i think it's a good album#with good songs#but idk i just feel like i don't really connect with it as a whole#yes this includes the anthology#certain songs i love#waolom gas tsmwel the prophecy etc etc#but idk as a whole... hmm#ts#taylor swift#taylorswift#ttpd#the tortured poets department#bracing myself for the hate anons after this icl#THIS COULD JUST BE BECAUSE I HAVENT REALLY TRIED TO LIKE MANY SONGS#i think i need to go and relisten everything thoroughly#and reevaluate this post
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Fibromyalgia: Oh you've got an interview Tuesday and you want to spend the weekend preparing? Lol no FIBRO FLARE. Get misery nerd.
#Like I've been getting “small” ones for months now#Like suddenly I'd start feeling like a patch of skin on my arm or hand or leg or back was completely raw#Like a bad sunburn or I'd been flayed#Today I started to feel it in several places#Both knees several strips of my back my left arm the right side of my neck etc etc#So I took it easy and tried not to overdo anything#And then I took a fucking shower and now my whole body feels raw from my scalp down to my toes#Everything that touches me including myself feels miserable and trying to think of interview Q&As is VERY DIFFICULT#I fucking hate this nonsense bullshit no-treatment-works-sorry-boucha disease#Sorry to bitch and moan I just needed to vent SOMEWHERE#and the Void seemed as good a place as any#fibromyalgia#fibro problems#fibropain
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quietly freaking out right now :)
#why? who knows!#I don't know!#everything bad!#I've been doing stuff I like all day. everything's been fine. and now? oh the world is ending. apparently#feel like I should be sobbing rn#but whyyyy#maybe cause I'm bad and everything I do is bad and pointless#that's probably it#I keep starting new paintings but there always comes a point when it starts being bad. so I never finish any#after a while you just start asking yourself what the fuck is the point. I don't like this. no one else gets to see it because I#hate it/myself too much. so like what's the plan here. just have 100 unfinished paintings stored in our spare room?#it's fucking stupid#I'm wasting time and money and like. my whole life. doing stupid pointless crap that no one including me cares about so like. maybe just#stop it man.#personal
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Putting on last year's trans rigs stream from Drawfee before i have to get ready to go out with my mum and her bf today (bc i have the worst feeling in my gut he's gonna make that An Thing for me if given the chance today, aka whenever i eventually need the restroom while we're at Mystic)
#text post#Housemate was amazing and helped me calm down a bit before ae went to work bc my brain woke up in meltdown mode over this tbh#it sucks bc like. im excited to see my mum despite the Everything with that lmao#but im not excited for how her bf has been acting since they got here (and it's been day 1 out of 7 days)#with some outright homophobic comments while Housemate and i hosted them briefly at our house yesterday afternoon#not abt us but like. i mean. u know we're both queer so#doesn't really matter if it's abt us or not it's still fucky and makes me worry abt how he's gonna be today!!#doesn't help that he really wanted to go to Italy with her instead this summer#(despite the passive aggressive complaints from him & mum to a degree abt how expensive it was for them to come out here)#(we're ignoring the fact that a European trip would be even more expensive lmao tho i do think if they want to/can afford it they should go)#like. the Vibe from him has just been that he'll be Just Polite Enough but that he didn't want to be here#and he doesn't expect to have any fun and it's like#dude i am Trying. i and Housemate have looked up stuff to do that includes things he likes (like guns and historical weapons)#we tried making comments abt that yesterday like hey u might like this but if there's anything u have in mind already#and he was just. whatever idc but then made comments that made it clear he's not excited for anything else#like museums or the beach for sea glass hunting or the bird sanctuary or even the zoo#and all have places to rest/sit plus restrooms and food so I don't think it's a worry abt facilities thing for him#i think he's just fed up that I'm still involved in my mum's life since i moved and like#yes there's a detangling of the umbilical cord i and my past therapist were trying to eventually get my mum to cut#since cutting it myself in any attempt has had her metaphorically taping it back together#but like. it's not entirely on me here. I'm trying to set boundaries and make sure she's giving him more attention than me since he's w/her#more than i am now#i know he's upset when she helps me financially too (i offer to pay her back but she always refuses it) bc she took me aside yesterday#to give me some cash for the time with them for souvenirs/fun stuff i might not buy otherwise bc im trying to be mindful of money#aka still waiting on money my fkn job should have already paid me like. a week or more ago now#he makes her happy so even if he hates me i still care abt his frustrating ass#and i do want him to have as much fun as he can while still relaxing during the trip out here#but i feel like im gonna have to physically shake him by the shoulders screaming this before he listens#and even if he listens he probably won't believe me#sorry for the tag essay the edible hasn't kicked in yet can u guys tell lmao
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