#i just feel comforted when people relate to the things im saying
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#if all i do is throw an image onto an ms paint canvas and type in times new roman italics next to it be very concerned for my wellbeing#that is rock bottom that is the direst of moments#ventcore#trauma vent#vent edit#ventart#traumacore#tw traumacore#tw vent#tc#cw traumacore#actuallytraumatized#actuallyabused#actually abused#liminal#liminal spaces#actually mentally ill#blah blah blah cringe attention whorish tags#i just feel comforted when people relate to the things im saying#my stuff#my edits#words#writing#vent writing
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i kinda love and hate something about the new expansion, and its anduins story
disclaimer that my knowledge of world of warcraft in general is very... tangled. like, if youve ever pulled out a bunch of necklaces and theyre tangled together and youre like 'what the fuck how do i even fix this'. thats my knowledge of world of warcraft. ive learned everything out of order and theres a lot i dont even know yet blah blah
but anyway
what i understand is that during shadowlands, anduin basically got ?posessed? and was forced to be fully aware as he watched his own body do horrible things that couldnt be undone, and that part of him enjoyed it.
and then it ended and he was so fucked up by that (rightfully) that he went and hid from the world for a while, isolating himself and only furthering these horrible feelings because he couldnt find a way to not feel horrible about what happened
and then hes found and told that hes needed again, but hes still beating himself up
and the worst part is, he cant find it in himself to reconnect with this thing thats important to him, the light, because he thinks hes unworthy. the light is seen as such a good thing in this world, and he thinks himself no longer good. (i could say how this feels weirdly christian but that is NOT the point here)
he goes on this journey anyway, how could he not? their world is in trouble.
and in this journey, they find a land hiding away thats pretty much made to help him LMAO. theres a few things, but mostly... theres the light. a gem rock star thingy of some kind as bright as the sun sticking out of the ceiling of an underground world, and it is the light. the light he feels he lost
and he meets someone whos so devoted to it, so hopeful despite everything thats happened to her, and she sees in him what he thinks he doesnt have for anyone to see
she lets him know that the light is still there, he still has it, he will be okay. he doesnt believe it, but he starts to
its through this journey that he learns that what happened doesnt define who he is, not forever, not even now, and he finds the light again
especially in such a pivotal moment where he does something thats the opposite of what he was forced to do before
where he was forced to hurt and kill people
he finds his ability to heal again, and revives someone
and i guess i said i love it and hate it because like... i hate that this isnt in a form i can easily re-consume like a book or a show or a movie, or even a linear video game. and once i go through it on a character, i cant do it again unless its on another character, and i only have so many high level characters. i could probably just watch videos or something about it but idk it just doesnt work the same
i also hate that i know im not gonna find many people talking about it, at least, not even in the way i want
but what i love is that this type of story was done at all. i feel like its underdone, where a character, especially a character whos 'the good one', does something(s) thats horrible, maybe even 'unforgivable' depending who you ask, and they have to deal with realizing that it doesnt define them, and they can still be good, still be worth loving and having a good life. learning to forgive themself.
i feel like its a story that a lot of people need to hear, even if they dont even realize it. i know ive done things in the past i still feel like i will never make up for, and i still dont know how to feel about it all.
i think its actually wild that something like world of warcraft did it at all, and honestly, i think they did it well. i guess i cant speak much on the shadowlands part of it because i have yet to see all of that, only really the cutscenes and cinematics, but ive seen the war within part of it.
and idk i feel like i have so much to say but i cant think of more, but i really enjoyed it.
#my post#world of warcraft#anduin wrynn#the war within#world of warcraft the war within#HOW DARE YOU MAKE ME RELATE TO A BLONDE PERSON /J#wild that the only other time i can think of this thing happening similarly in fiction is like... steven universe future#theres definitely more but im blanking#i also relate in more ways than i feel comfortable saying and like.... fuck dude#I HAVENT KILLED ANYONE i dont relate like that Zjfjsjfjd#also i will say i kinda thought he straight up killed that one person in that one scene but ig not...?#i also kept thinking he killed the person in the center of oribos that sends people where they need to go but that. isnt true#the person he attacked was ?? the leader of bastion ?? idk man idk the fucking shadowlands lore#BUT ALSO AH AGHHAHGHFHGHHH AHGH GHFGH <- DYING#WHEN I WAS WATCHING THE CINEMATICS FOR SHADOWLANDS? THE FUCKING? THE . THE. THE LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN THAT HAPPENED#WHEN THE POSESSION ALMOST FADES AND HE REALIZES WHAT HES DONE AND HE LOOKS SO FUCKING HORRIFIED#BUT THEN HES POSESSED AGAIN AND FORCED TO JUST. FUCKING DEAL WITH IT? FUCK OFF. THAT SHIT HURT ME#i need to absorb this man into my bones im gonna make him part of me. no im not but fml i kinda love him HES SO PUPPY#tropes
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this isn't an ask or a request, but I hope you could still post it, because since I found this account the wave of love for this fandom crushed me yet again
not to disclose who I am too much, but here's a fact: I was dealing with pre schoolers as a part of my education(or, well, practice). around the same time I discovered the wonderful world of hermitcraft age regress fics. I myself don't regress, but I find those works insanely comforting. anyways I mentioned my education because, while in fics the looking after might be Way to soft and all-allowing (that YES can be very bad even short term), most of the works show it really well. and not just comforting, but as if the authors know Very Well they are portraying not a parent figure per say, but a "cool uncle that looks after you" type character and I LOVE IT. maybe this says smth about my childhood, maybe it's the overwhelming feeling of love coming from a friendship, but still. kudos to everyone who writes age re in this fandom, I love you.
I still haven't explored the topic of age regression as a study (meaning: I haven't really looked up the real world instances), but I have a feeling that learning about this phenomena in psychology feelings-first from a fictional work was a good idea.
Your ask has actually reminded me why I love this blog. I've been a bit out of touch with the fandom lately, but the sense of community that comes from gathering around something so niche is really nice and I love hearing about it.
I'm glad this type of content can be comforting and enjoyable even if you don't regress!
Also, when I originally had the idea to start this blog, there was very little agere-related content in this fandom that didn't emphasize a parental, set-in-stone caregiver as a key feature. I'm happy to see so much more variety in how people portray it in relation to friends and partners.
#Anonymous#also i appreciate that theres less emphasis on a carer as someone who has all the same authority as an actual parent#im sure theres still works like that (i havent actually been on ao3 in ages)#but i always found it hard to enjoy that type of content because it was an automatic assumed thing in most instances#that the carer would be a parent with full authority over the regressed person#without much (or any) discussion.#for me at least being treated like that while in that state would not be good for me#so having that be presented as the default made it difficult to read.#this is also why a lot of my posts center around friends just being patient and comforting and hanging out/playing instead of having a#distinct carer#and the ones that do feature a carer rarely have a parental vibe.#when i write about interactions between a regressed character and an adult-mode character i usually try to think of like#what type of boundaries they wouldve set with each other. and how that relates to the regressed characters individual feelings#since some people find it helpful to have someone act like a babysitter would. but others just prefer for their friends to hang out normall#of course fanfiction doesnt always need to be real world accurate and can just be someones 'man i wish someone would take care of e' fantas#(a lot of my unpublished stuff lately is just like... characters being far too accommodating of the pov character's problems lol)#but i like to include variety#wow i rambled a lot more than i meant to#not a headcanon#oli says things
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Ohh im obssesed
#uprooted#uprooted naomi novik#solya#marek#my main playlists dedicated to them :]#idk why they cought my attention in 2018 and since that year they have had a special place in my heart. sometimes throughout my day-#i realise im obssesed with them and they're not just some random characters i like. ive dedicated a lot of time on them#i wonder how my interest in them will be when i get older. i certainly know that i will miss them if i stop thinking about them#you could say they have seen me grow. i knew them BEFORE quarantine. they were with me DURING. and AFTER#they have been through so many phases of my life. its so strange.#they changed so much too...except Marek. he still looks the same I imagined him in 2018. solya is definitely different tho#but i do think i have a different more in depth understanding of both characters#even if the words i read in 2018 are still the same now that i look back at the book. they were so many things unsaid but if u looked-#closely you could understand them. solya and marek as individual characters have so much depth...even if its not explicitly said#or maybe its just me reading between the lines too much. i wish i just knew more about them. this is getting so long-#but I got a bit nostalgic. is crazy how i was just a child and somehow even tho solya was just the total opposite of the type of characters-#i like there was something in him. something that made me look at him. and i think thats actually so in character of him#i think that in the book even if someone didnt like him. it was still hard to look away because he stood out from the rest.#there was definitely something about him that attracted people. or else how would have he gotten so far in his schemes?#I may be overanalyzing it. but i love the Falcon so much. and i do like marek a lot as a character. i find him very interesting. i know he-#did bad. terrible. things i like him as a character. not as a person.#i wish i could have seen what was going on in that damaged mind of his...#analyzing his behavior its so entertaining to me. i love making up scenarios where he is at his worst. im not gonna lie#marek suffering and then finding comfort in not comforting things is one of my favorite headcanons.#his obssesion with his mother is also a very important part of his character (ofc) and i love imagine him doing things related to that#thinking about the ways their personalities connect and make them have a very toxic bond keeps me up at night..they made each other worst#and we actually never see that in depth in the book. everything is so subtle but my crazy brain can find the signs in any part#i will stop this rant here. i feel its so long and if i made any spelling mistake i apologise to my future self (probably my self from-#tomorrow) because i know i won't be able to fix the misspelling and that will stress me SO MUCH.#future self please dont stress about it. just be happy. and enjoy thinking about these insane characters
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honestly. being able to be honest with my loved ones about when i am Mentally Unwell but also Dont Want To Talk About It has done wonders for my mental health
#its nice just being able to tell people “im not okay! please dont focus too much on me tho!” and have them respect it#instead of doing things that will trigger me bc they are uncomfortable w the fact that im not okay#i deeply appreciate others sitting in their discomfort/holding the discomfort with me instead of comforting me#and like i get that ppl who offer space or time or comforts are trying to care for me but tbh its not welcome most of the time#bc when I'm upset often times it triggers deep emotional pain that only i can really manage by taking time to sit and calm down and Feel#(bc if not it becomes a flashback instead of Feelings from being Triggered) and having my attention diverted is actually distressing for me#bc i have to be grounded in very specific ways also that i just dont usually have the energy to explain bc like... i know how to do it?#and like also. i can just be Not okay. it doesnt have to be a Thing for me to acknowledge it#iderk what the point of this tag ramble is#im just like. really glad ive found people who understand that im not Avoidant just bc i have different needs bc of how my nervous system i#also if its not clear: please do not offer comforts for this. i am handling my own feelings and issues i just kinda wanna talk about it#also reminding myself its okay to not want to be comforted and that doesnt mean im Wrong or Bad or Resistant or Harming myself#(also ngl having a therapist who understands that certain coping skills may never go away but can be modified to be more useful is LIFE#CHANGING. DO YOU KNOW HOW FREEING IT WAS TO HEAR SOMEONE WHO ISNT CRAZY SAY “i can see how [these things] can be distressing and if you wan#to stop doing them we can explore new coping skills - AND if the distress from these coping skills is shame related we can work through it#and see what happens and its okay if you come out the other side using the same coping skills with a better understanding of yourself “#when most of my life every coping skill ive ever engaged in has been moralized (esp by therapists) and attempted to be beaten out of me.)#also I'm saying “comfort me” thru this bc even tho it's not actually comforting TO me when ppl do this ik thats usually their intent
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sry its just like rly incredibly annoying how much ppl will like. IDK. yes ik a lot of autistic and adhd ppl who do love music. and sometimes it is bc of their neurodivergence yk. music can be grounding its familiar its reliable and comfortable. i think its fine to say Autistic/ADHD ppl often find comfort in music. but its stupid as fuck to say Therefore enjoying music makes you autistic/adhd.
#like that cant be the only diagnostic criteria... im not at all anti self dx but i am anti just hearing abt something doing 0 research and#being like yep thats so me. yk.#likeee. i have a LOT of issues on the psych industry trust me. i also think in a lot of cases its dangerous to be diagnosed. and in most#cases self dxing even uninformed self dxing isnt harmful its just like. idk. it can be harmful when you use it to spread misinfo#even unknowingly. IDK.... like. i enjoy eating the same foods over and over bc they are safe and reliable. expecting these foods#and then getting something different than what i was expecting is incredibly upsetting. that is bc of my autism but if that was the ONLY#autistic trait i had i wouldnt say i was autistic i would just say that i find comfort in my foods being reliable and i dislike change.#and i think a lot of ppl just feel this need to put a label on every single thing abt them down to like. the way they walk.#like do i do the classic autistic Walking on the balls of my feet yes its true i do do that. but again i wouldnt say i was autistic just bc#of that... sometimes its just a quirk you have. sometimes you just have things you do and you dont need a label to put on them to explain#that thing... its more just like. if you do have that dx or whatever you can look at that thing and be like oh this might be bc of that dx.#and you can kind of bond over that with other ppl. IDKK its complicated and im rambling#again idt its like super harmful to self dx even uninformed its just like. i wish sometimes people would just be like . chill abt labels#its the same thing with sexualities and gender like. sometimes you dont need a hyperspecific word to describe your entire identity sometime#you can just be a person. yk. like i love being bisexual i love the bisexual label and im proud of being bi. i dont feel the need#to look into the specific ratio of who im attracted to or when im attracted to them or whatever to make a more specific label. IDK THO#idk. basically i just think instead of trying to group everybody into these tiny Ultra specific groups of ppl you relate to i think you#should just be like. Oh everybodys a person even if they dont experience everything the exact way i do. idk whatever
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Doing this because it makes me happy •Ꮂ•. Im making it difficult on all of you though.
1 note- I'll go drink water
10 notes - I'll set alarms to actually care for myself
50 notes - set up a daily productivity system so I stop wasting my time doing nothing.
100 notes - ask my friends to help me buy a skirt
500 notes - get a bra & a whole bunch of other affirming clothing !!!
1k - tell my dad that my gf is also trans
2.5k - ask my dad to address me by my prefferred name & pronouns 1k went pretty poorly, so I dont feel super comfortable making an attempt on this.
5k - try to get therapy/psychologist
10k - girl mode at all times (start actively wearing makeup/clothing/doing voice training around people at all times)
50k - try for HRT (0% chance) (also no guarantee on this one)
Asfgg. It feels surprisingly good to have a bunch of strangers who want me to be happy
I have now set up alarms for eating, waking up, and hygene related stuff. I seriously doubt we get to 500, but this has made me significantly happier •Ꮂ•
Doing some math... 25 notes in 4 hours. 6.25 notes per hour. 8000 hours or 333 days until this hits 50k. Hrt in a year ig.
Um. Wow. Its been a day, and we're almost at 300. Everything 500 & below was supposed to be things I'd do with minimal intervention. But now, we're getting to the scarier stuff. I am very intimidated, but also excited
My gf really badly wanted to be here when I buy some of the clothing, so the skirt will be this week, the rest of the clothing will be when she comes back from vacation
Saying that you're force femming me is so not allowed. This is unfair. You have no right to make me feel the ways Im feelingggg. Stop making me happy.
Welp. I told him about my girlfriend. And things went about as poorly as expected. He said that Im parroting what other people think. Slowly taking little parts of them, and applying them to myself. Specifically, being trans. He didnt even leave it to maybes. He said with certainty that I was copying everyone else. I know 9 trans people total. Only 2 of them are my close friends. Everyone else, Im barely aquaintences with. I should have told him that regardless of whatever theories he has, this has boosted my confidence massively. Slightly less excited for 2.5k notes. At least everything after that is very positive. And at least this lets me talk about my girlfriend for ages. I dont have to say her deadname through gritted teeth. Oh context. He already knows Im trans but was ignoring it.
I GOT A SKIRT!!!!!
Thank all of you so much. At first when I got the skirt, I was pretty intimidated by the idea of showing my legs. I thought everyone will just see me as a man. But there's a degree of confidence you all have given me. Yeah. Im pretty. Yeah, Im beautiful even. Yeah. Its a friggin fantastic skirt. And anyone who thinks otherwise is dumb. Im happy, and thats what matters.
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✰ TO SHIFT CONSCIOUSNESS YOU MUST MASTER THE ACT OF LETTING GO ✰
and not in the way you think i’m talking about…
You need to realise your desires are not far fetched, they aren’t even desires and were not desires the second you thought about them. They were yours the second you expressed a want for these things because for the millionth time, you’re the god of your reality and what you say goes.
Now when i say “let go”, im not referring to the fact that “you need to let go of the physical world” or “let go of your body” and bla bla bla, I mean you need to let go of the mentality that has been holding you hostage for quite a while
Having the perfect routine isn’t going to make a change unless you have mentally let go of this reality. Having affirmations that you repeat all the time won’t do shit if you don’t let go
Let go of the person who has tried everything and just can’t manage to tap in to the void/induce pure consciousness
Let go of the person who needs to check success stories just to feel something in order to motivate themselves
Let go of the person who likes doomscrolling for motivation when they would already be in their new reality if they tried
Let go of the person who is a failure
Let go of the person who has been trying for months/years to no avail
Let go of the person who needs to go to bloggers, coaches and outside sources and ask questions they damn well know the answer to
Let go of the person who just can’t
It can feel so validating to have these problems because so many people do, and you feel like you can relate to others with these issues and it makes you feel good, it makes you feel validated to reaffirm these problems and have others comfort and coddle you. I know you want advice, you’re frustrated and want to vent. I know you want people to talk to and cry with, because, again, it makes you feel seen and validated. But where is that feeling of validation gonna lead you? to 2026, 2027 even 2028, still saying the same things? still affirming that you’ve been in the community for years and nothing works for you?
You need to let go of that miserable person, you are “I AM” you need to take your consciousness and take your awareness away from that miserable person and shift them to the person who can tap into the “i am” state with ease
shift your awareness to someone who can induce pure consciousness within seconds
to someone who gets whatever they want
to someone who can do all
to someone who doesn’t know the meaning of failure even if it hit them in the face
if you don’t let go you’re never gonna leave, you need to sit with yourself and be honest, have you let go of the person with unfavourable circumstances? have you shifted awareness to the person who is all you want to be, better yet all that you are? You are “I AM”, just decide that you aren’t that person anymore and immediately your consciousness and awareness will shift to who you now are. You can BE anything because you ARE everything.
And as “I AM”, as a god, you can choose where to place your consciousness and where to place your awareness, that’s all shifting is, placing your awareness and consciousness in the reality that is desired, not some huge extravaganza. Shift your awareness to someone who can do all things, and that is who you will be, this law cannot fail.
misery loves company, don’t stay in the club simply because it validates and comforts you, remove yourself and place yourself in that of who you want to be.
DETACH FROM WHAT YOU KNOW, TO BE WHAT YOU WANT 🍨💋
#salemlunaa#shiftblr#reality shifting#permashifting#shifting#law of assumption#loa#void state#success story#the void#void concept#respawning#manifesting#master manifestor#manifestation#shifting blog#shifters#i am state#shifting consciousness#shifting community
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my masks
hey there buckaroos. due to all of the attention the TEXAS LIBRARY ASSOCIATION situation has gotten i am going to take a minute to talk about my personal way as an autistic buckaroo. im going to tell you about my masks.
im doing this for a few reasons, some are good FUN reasons full of love and some are not so great.
lets start with the GOOD STUFF. first of all, i am talking about this because speaking on my way can help other buckaroo feel more comfortable speaking on there own way, ESPECIALLY if they are good at ‘passing’ for neurotypical like chuck is.
unfortunately the NOT SO GREAT reasons im talking about all this dang stuff are two fold. reason one: i have been put into a position of having to explain and justify my needs and boundaries by the TXLA. this is not something that i WANT to be taking up all of my time, but when large organizations do not make space for those who they have pledged to support, it puts us smaller buckaroos into position where were have to defend our existence. it is not plesent but it is necessary.
the second NOT SO GREAT reason is that ‘passing’ bisexual and autistic people like myself are ALWAYS just seconds from being gatekept from folks both outside and inside these communities. there will probably be a day on chucks deathbed where i take off my mask and say hello to this timeline (mostly so you can all see how handsome i am under here but I DIGRESS). i KNOW with absolute certainty (the same way other bi and autistic buckaroos are probably nodding along right now) that when that day comes i will STILL be accused of ‘not being real’ and ‘faking’ because i ‘dont look autistic’ and i have a beautiful ladybuck partner in sweet barbara.
ALL THAT IS TO SAY, i am taking a moment today to talk FOR THE RECORD about my neurodigence and my particular needs. hopefully i will not have to keep diving this deep every time an organization takes a discrimantory action against me, but i will also say this: at least it is a good fight on an important battlefield
anyway buds, here is the story of my way on the spectrum
when i was a young buckaroo i knew that my thought process was different. i could socialize easily, which is unique in contrast to many autistic buds (it is a spectrum after all), but my social ease was for an interesting reason. I ALWAYS KNEW WHAT OTHERS WERE ABOUT TO SAY. it was like a strange ‘human game’ where someone would say one thing and i would think ‘well you actually mean something else’ in a sort of logical way (this is why i later related to DATA from star trek so dang much). at first i remember thinking ‘well i am just NOT going to play along with this human game’. i quickly learned neurotypical buckaroos do not like this, that there is a BOB AND WEAVE to social interactions that must be learned.
later i realized ‘actually if i WANT to make friends and prove love is real then i can do this like an expert because i can SEE the game where most cant’. this got chuck many buds and took me on many adventures. please understand, i am not saying these connections are not important to me, they are just different. they are full of love, but i express this in my own unique way.
HOWEVER, while growing up i felt disconnected from this timeline in other ways, like an alien or a reverse twin trotting along in a world that is not quite my own. i did not feel emotions the same way my buds did. they would get upset over the ‘human game’ interactions and i would not be moved at all, HOWEVER i could see the way sunlight hit a window and start crying my dang eyes out over the beauty. so my emotion was still there and VERY STRONG, i just felt it in more existential ways (like hearing the call of the lonesome train). these days that feeling has progressed to where i am pretty much in a constant blissed out state of cosmic emotional connection (make of that last sentence what you will, but it is the truth). when i make existential posts online i am not just FIRING OFF SOME CONTENT, i really mean every word. this is really my trot.
anyway as a young buckaroo these feelings made me worry sometimes. i thought about various mental health dianosises and marked the parts and pieces that matched with myself. am i this? am i that? sometimes, instead of just being’ different’ i worried i might actually be ‘wrong’.
when i saw david byrne on letterman in my younger days i immediately recognized something connected to myself. i thought ‘wow this is the mystery being solved before my very eyes.’ i could hear it in the music of talking heads too. i started doing research and realized that i might be on autism spectrum, something that was later confirmed by a therapist (back then the diagnosis was called asperger's). it was a glorious and fulfilling moment. i was SO EXCITED TO BE AUTISTIC LIKE MY HERO. i felt very cool because of it, and i still feel very cool because of it.
one of the big reasons i talk so much about being autistic these days is because i want to make sure OTHER buckaroos can have that same moment that i did. they can see chuck and think ‘wow i really like this autistic artist, maybe being autistic is cool’
so what does an average day WITHOUT wearing the pink bag look like for me?
my thought process is exactly like ROSE from CAMP DAMASCUS, which is part of why i wrote the book. we have the same stim (complex order of finger taps), we prepare for social interactions the same way, we analyze things in the same logical trot that neurotypical people might think feels ‘detached’ but for me feels natural (certain reviews of camp damascus are very funny to me in this way. you can tell when a reader is just very confused by existing in an autistic brain for 250 pages.)
from the outside you would not be able to tell that i am on the spectrum. in fact you would probably find me very socially adept.
the problem is, all of that masking can take its toll. i spent years trotting in and out the emergency room, talking to confused doctors who could not figure out the chronic phantom tension and pain that radiated through my body. i eventually accepted the fact that i would either live a life constantly on heavy painkillers or just stop living altogether.
eventually, however, i started noticing a correlation between the way that i felt, and the space that i allowed for chuck and the pink mask. i was exercising that tension, allowing my mental mask of neurotypical existence to take a rest. i started practicing physical therapy and this time THE RESULTS STUCK because i was approaching from two sides, MIND AND BODY. after a while, i got my pain down to about 5 percent of what it once was. i still have flare ups in times of stress, but the healing has been very real and life changing.
lets get VERY specific now. if i attended the TXLA confrence without a mask and gave my talk i can tell you this: i would do a dang good job. i can work the heck out of a crowd and (not to reveal too much about my secret way) I HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO DO THIS ON OCCASION VERY WELL. however, going home from this event i would very likely be in pain. i would likely need to do physical therapy. i would likely need to stim for a while. i would NOT be emotionally fullfilled in the same way. in other words, without my pink mask i can charm the heck out of buckaroos, but THE SPACE OF CHUCK TINGLE IS NOT THE SPACE FOR THAT. the pink bag is a place for me to not have to put up with that tension. it is a place for me to unmask mentally by masking physically.
this pink bag space SAVED MY LIFE and i am not going to risk blurring these lines. if and when that ever happens it will be MY decision, not someone elses. that is my boundary. the part of me that neurotypically masks could handle a library conference in a purely technical sense, but the part of me that chuck represents absolutely cannot and should not be asked to do that without the pink bag. unfortunately, the complexity of this point makes it even MORE difficult for me to think about and takes up even more of my time, because it forces me to START QUESTIONING MYSELF and my own needs. to be honest, that is the most insidious part of other people questioning your identify and refusing to accept your accommodation needs without ‘proof’.
the thing is, while all of this discussion of disability and accessibility is important, i have a much larger point to make by writing these words.
a conference should not uninvite someone with an unusual physical presentation or a strange way of speaking REGARDLESS of it being classified as a disability. it does not matter WHY i look the way that i look and wear what i wear. i should not have to spend all day writing this post instead of writing my next book, just because my sensibilities are unique and my presentation is unusual.
fortunately the solution is very simple: let other people be themselves. its not hurting you to simply accept and nod at the buckaroos you think look strange. let us exist
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THIS.
UNPOPULAR OPINION: Comparing Vil Schoenheit to Trans Characters in Anime, Manga and Games — Forceful pushing of headcanons and why Vil is a better character in canon as a cisgender (gay) male
DISCLAIMER: this essay is aimed at those who find it entirely acceptable to shove their headcanons down others’ throats with the threat of crying wolf (i.e., “if you dislike this hc you’re transphobic”, etc.) should they not comply. For those who simply headcanon Vil as trans and acknowledge that canon and other headcanons can exist with (and without) their approval, this essay is not aimed at you and you are perfectly valid.
Notes: Title may be slightly misleading as there’s really only one comparison, and being a cis character does not necessarily make one “better”. However, given Vil’s character, the mun views that Vil has a far bigger impact in terms of plot, hence the title.
Many of us like to suggest headcanons for our favourite characters, some to make the character even more interesting, others simply to relate to the character further. While there’s absolutely nothing wrong with fun headcanons here and there, the forceful insistence of fans in recent years that their headcanons are absolute to maximise their own comfort has become a glaring issue across many fandoms. In particular, the subject of LGBT+ headcanons has been especially touchy, as minorities use the discrimination against them to their own benefit and, ironically, suppress the opinions of others. One such headcanon is that Vil Schoenheit of Twisted Wonderland is transfemme, or even a trans woman, as he uses the pronoun “atashi” (typically used by women and girls), and is perceived to be traditionally feminine. However, such a headcanon not only fundamentally ignores the very basis of Vil’s character — breaking gender stereotypes as a cisgender white male — but can even be taken as sexist. To prove this controversial statement, a comparison with other notable transgender characters, either confirmed by canon or heavily speculated on by fans, in other anime, games and manga is needed.
First and foremost, the idea that Vil is transfemme or even a trans woman is shallow and unfounded. While Vil indeed uses the pronoun “atashi” in referring to himself, a pronoun typically used by women and girls in Japan, “watashi”, the pronoun that “atashi” is (presumably) deprived from, is a gender-neutral pronoun used by both genders, though for men, both “watashi” and “atashi” are usually used in a casual context by stereotypical feminine gay men or drag queens. Throughout the story, there was absolutely no indication that Vil has issues with his own gender. In fact, it seems to be the very opposite, he is incredibly comfortable and confident in his own masculinity, which is why he has no problem doing things that are traditionally seen as feminine:
“Next, lotion. As guys (lit. with us being high school boys, アタシたち男子高校生), our skin tends to be oilier so applying too much only makes things worse.” (Main Story Chapter 5, translated by j-mee on Twitter)
“There’s no such thing as “men only” or “women only”, whether it’s clothes or dance.” (服にもダンスにも「男専用」「女専用」なんかない。) (Main Story Chapter 5, rough translation by patchy)
Epel provides as a foil character in this case, having stated his dislike for his cute and “girly” appearance multiple times, as well as wanting to be in Savanaclaw due to the athletic nature of the dorm rather than Pomefiore:
“I really... I really wanted to get into the wild and brave Savanaclaw instead!!” (Ceremonial Robes story, chapter 1, translated by twstarchives)
Epel clearly thinks that Pomefiore is too feminine for him, and only puts emphasis on his unwanted cuteness. While Vil being transfemme or a trans woman would certainly be progressive for Japan considering its conservative nature, Vil being a fellow cisgender boy is certainly far more powerful in delivering this response to Epel. They’re both white and cisgender, yet while Epel only sees his adorable baby face as a weakness, Vil sees his own beauty as his strength and capitalises on it. It is precisely why he is so careful to maintain his appearance through dieting and impeccable makeup:
“I've not once neglected my health. And no one on my Magicamera account, which mind you has over five million followers, has said anything about it.” (Vil’s Lab Coat SR, Part 1, translated by kibadreams)
Having grown up in the entertainment industry and showing no sign that he wishes to retire from it, Vil’s “otherwordly” beauty is one of his greatest assets, and as such, he complies with the industry and all its standards, and is unashamed to do something like dancing if it can potentially further his career. Vil is no Azul, but he is still a businessman in the sense that he knows how to advertise, promote and market himself to the masses. To insist that Vil is transfemme or a trans woman erases the meaning to his actions, and instead reduces him to a shallow figurehead based on how traditionally feminine he acts (use of pronouns, way of speaking, behaviour typically seen as “feminine”, etc.) instead of focusing on his relationship with gender presentation and his rejection of traditional gendered labels as a whole.
Arashi Narukami from Ensemble Stars, while not officially confirmed to be trans, provides a good comparison, though many often compare them on a surface level to try and force Arashi’s character onto Vil’s or vice versa. Aside from their shared use of pronouns, professionalism and both having careers in the entertainment industry, the two characters cannot be any more different. Unlike Vil, Arashi has stated her views on her relationship to gender identity multiple times, albeit they are rather inconsistent due to the different writers of Ensemble Stars having varied interpretations of her character. She repeatedly calls herself a “maiden”, a “girl” and a “big sister”, and insists on others using the “-chan” suffix for her rather than “-kun” (the only exception seeming to be fellow unitmate Izumi). She has also stated her internal conflict with her gender, which one can interpret as Arashi wanting to transition but unable to do so due to her career in the modelling and idol industry, as well as the unwelcoming attitude held by Japan in regards to the LGBT+ community:
“I’m honestly envious… No matter how much I want it, and no matter how hard I try… I could never become the beautiful woman I dream to be.” (Gacha story “Beasts — Centre of the World” part 7, translated by euni2319 on Dreamwidth)
Due to the ambiguous nature of the “okama” label, a derogatory one used for both drag queens/crossdressers and trans women alike, it is not clear whether Arashi truly is a trans woman unless canon states otherwise. However, there is certainly enough evidence in the story to argue such a case, especially with the English localisation of Ensemble Stars using she/her pronouns for Arashi. In contrast, Vil’s behaviour is more in-line with an “onee” type character, or a stereotypical feminine gay man, which is surprising considering that the Twisted Wonderland fandom, in all their hope for LGBT+ characters, fails to pick up on. As stated above, “atashi” is a pronoun often used by drag queens/crossdressers and stereotypical femme gay men, the latter of which Vil seems to fall into the category of due to the homoromantic subtext of his relationship/friendship with Rook Hunt. Many of their interactions can be perceived as romantic, even more so due to the stance that both Disney and Japan have on homosexuality, mainly either with unvoiced distaste or being acceptable as a fetish/strange interest due to the forbidden nature of homosexuality in Japan:
“Nevertheless, Rook's eyes are more accurate than any scale. Even more than a mirror, perhaps.” (Vil’s Lab Coat SR, Part 2, translated by kibadreams)
While Vil and Rook’s relationship does have homosexual undertones, on Rook’s part more so than Vil’s, Vil at the very least relies on Rook and trusts him greatly. The above quote is just the tip of the iceberg.
Vil’s character can be seen as a twist on the stereotypical “onee”, one that is written and taken seriously as a direct comparison to how the character type has been commonly used for comic relief or otherwise unimportant side characters in past works (Garfiel from FMA, Magne from MHA, though a trans example of the stereotype, and Otokosuki from DBZ). The implication that Vil is gay by partially conforming to behaviour expected of feminine gay men yet being a serious and hard-working perfectionist (i.e., having a personality not centred around comic relief) is arguably a big step in Japanese anime, games and manga.
Sexism and even ageism in the Twisted Wonderland fandom is unfortunately nothing new, towards all genders. Non-female creators and yumes struggle to garner an audience without yumejoshis, particularly unusually possessive ones, feeling threatened by their very presence. Adult fans are criticised simply for playing the game despite that their in-game payments are what make the game profitable enough for younger fans, most of which do not earn income and thus cannot fund in-game transactions, to continue enjoying Twisted Wonderland. Yana herself has become the scapegoat for Disney Japan, being blamed for any issues regarding the game’s storyline despite that not only are the Disney Japan executives the ones giving the final approval, Yana has been working while ill due to the gruelling and even abusive nature of the anime, game and manga industry in Japan, where artists, animators and other staff members are overworked to produce the smallest bits of content. Fans, especially those often discriminated against in their own countries, have developed an unfortunate habit of using their statuses as minorities to avoid criticism and responsibility for their own actions, going as far as to deflect criticism of their irresponsible behaviour onto the critics and paint them as the aggressors. Anyone who does not view Twisted Wonderland in the same view of unrealistic progressiveness more commonly expected of Western cartoons is shunned and their actions deemed discriminatory. The fandom has evolved into a space where the prey become the predators, the hunted become the hunters, and the oppressed become the oppressors, all in the name of establishing equality and equity.
Ultimately, we are all fans of Twisted Wonderland trying to enjoy the game in our own ways. Our comforts are unique and distinctly different from one another, and no one’s comforts should be prioritised above that of others simply because one is in the minority. While the fact that people have become more and more comfortable taking pride in their own identities is certainly something to be celebrated, we should not be taking this as an opportunity to alienate those we so much as remotely dislike just because they belong to a certain race, gender or age group, particularly twisting oppression against vulnerable minorities to do so. Frankly speaking, none of us have the right to force our own interpretations of canon onto others, minority or not, and doing this simply reinforces one’s narrow mind and self-absorption.
#idk why people force gender on characters#like yes if they canonically change gender then i can get why#and i do tend to see my favorite characters as similar to me (and i might headcanon their gender)#but its just that - a headcanon#if they're not uncomfortable with their gender it shows that they're probably not trans#and as op said - vil may be more feminine but it is shown that he is comfortable in his masculinity and this is why#i think its the fact that he's a feminine guy with feminine features that makes people say “oh he's trans!!”#but a person can present feminine or masculine and still not be the gender they may present as#and a guy can want beauty and long hair and stuff like that too?? like. it's not strictly a feminine thing#also like forcing headcanons on other people??#it's called a headcanon for a reason#it's what we think is true#not what everyone thinks#so don't force it#if they don't agree#then they don't agree#but i hate it when people are like “USE SHE/HER FOR VIL OR ELSE”#because like. why?#vil is clearly comfortable with all of his feminine features and his masculine ones#op worded this better#but anyways im queer (genderfluid + masc leaning) so don't tell me i'm a transphobe or anything because i'm not#but like once he starts feeling uncomfortable being a guy or wanting to be less masculine#then ill accept the headcanon#honestly though epel reminds me more of a trans character#simply because i relate to him wanting to be “more masculine”#is similar to my point of view bc i want to be less feminine and more masculine too#so i present to you: trans ftm Epel#(it's a joke don't take this seriously please i'm sobbing- i'm not forcing this headcanon it was a joke i came up with spur of the moment-)#kazumi rambles
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I’ve been debating on saying something because I have a lot of thoughts about this, but I just want to say a quick (maybe not so quick) thought…
“Comfort Character” is not a declaration of ownership. Just because you relate to a character deeply, and see yourself in them, does not mean you get to go around policing the stories that get told regarding them, or the how they’re depicted in said stories.
I wanna be clear. Im not saying you can’t pose genuine questions and have perfectly reasonable discussions about the intricacies of hard topics. In fact, fiction can even help make those discussions easier to digest by lowering the stakes, because there are not any actual stakes when none of it is real.
Unfortunately, I’ve been seeing the entire opposite. People taking stories that may make them “uncomfy”, and declaring that they’ve now decided they are taking it personally, to near obsessive levels. You are not the only one allowed to play with these characters. It is a huge sandbox, and these toys are mass produced enough for everyone to have their own doll to do with whatever they’d like.
I get you might see yourself in a character, but that doesn’t give you the right to go around sending death threats just because someone wrote, or drew your current blorbo in an unfavorable light. Prioritizing some cluster of lines and colors over the mental health and safety of actual real human beings, is worse than whatever fictional, moral “atrocity” that you think you’re championing against. You only end up sounding just like the people calling for book banning in schools.
You are not the character. You are not being hurt. The character is not even being hurt, because they do not in fact, exist to actually experience any of the pain creators are putting them through. And most importantly, you have no claim on how other people entertain themselves with said character. Because that is what these characters are. Entertainment. They can be used in good or bad stories. If you don’t like how a creator is using them. Move on. Don’t send death threats or attacks.
Block and filter your tags.
I have triggers, but that is my issue to control and maintain. It is appreciated when steps are taken by creators to help me avoid the things that trigger me, but I don’t wish death and pain on anyone who doesn’t view the world through the same lens as myself, and might not have considered my own personal feelings on the matter. My feelings of unease or anxiety from coming into contact with my own triggers, might be valid, but initiating an attack on a creator, because I took a personal offense to their story, is not. I do not outright assume that something was created with me and my tastes in mind.
Also, this is not aimed at any one person. This is a rampant issue that I have seen first hand, going back all the way to more than a year ago. I’ve seen it happen in multiple fandoms, but as I spend most of my time in the Rise fandom, that’s where I see the worst of it. I’ve received attacks, I know other creators have received attacks, and if this keeps up, creators will just stop wanting to share anything at all.
I also need to emphasize, I’m not mad. This is not a lashing out. This is just a frustrating and hurtful trend to constantly witness, when creators are putting their own heart, time, and energy into creating intriguing and complex works of all kinds in order to broaden the beauty of this fandom, and they’re getting anonymous messages to kill themselves.
Please think about the real life person behind the art and stories you are consuming, instead of prioritizing the fictional comfort of made up characters inside the story, that will in actuality, never have any opinions on what’s being done to them. Because they do not exist.
#rottmnt#rise of the tmnt#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rise fandom#discourse#even tho I hope this is not taken as an attack on anyone#I’m not trying to add to any fire#I only wish to give a perspective
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okay so very long thinkpiece about meljay and jayce' treatment of mel / the writers treatment of mel and how i think that all things considered she hasnt really won as much as we think she did
the thing about this that makes me so mad or rather sad (both, actually) is that we learn in season 1 how mel was brought up, that she didn't get to be soft and kind, that her surroundings were hard and rough just like her mother was, that love isn't a thing she knows like that especially not in relation to vulnerability. now if you think about media in general there is a pattern we know. the black woman is always the strong woman, the independent woman, the woman who doesnt get to be vulnerable bc of the first two points. so here comes this man she's trying to use not just for her own endeavors but for the good of piltover, clearly having a different mindset than her mother, and he cracks her open just like that. he's vulnerable with her and he lets her be vulnerable with him and it allows this woman this kind of vulnerability that she was never allowed to feel. she feels and she loves and there is someone who holds her and looks out for her when things go bad. he is his first thought after the bombing and hes so loving and endearing unlike her mother who is concerned, of course, but straight back to business too. and oh what a lovely thing that was to watch as a black woman who to this day still doesn't get to see this as often as we really should
so mel gets to experience something she hasnt before and you can tell it means something to her because when she gets back in act 3 the first reaction to him is an excited, hopeful one.
this is the man she cares deeply for and it is also the man who shes comforted before many times. something she needs in those very confusing times too. something she might be looking out for. something she might hope to get herself. some comforting after what shes been through for months. someone to share what is going on with her and how confusing it is to find out all those lies and secrets about herself.
until she notices how changed he is, how different he looks, so instantly she is worried. of course! who wouldnt be! she very likely didnt even know he was missing since its the first time we see her back in the city so she must've assumed he has been here and well for the whole time being (does she even know how long its been?) but it isnt fine as we know. she puts herself second! immediately! (and rewatching that scene now it actually makes me mad how she does that. and how anyone can question any of her feelings for him when shes immediately all jayce. or how in general people think shes only interested in her own goals) she asks this man who has shown her to be vulnerable around him and it BEING FINE, what happened, shes opening herself up to him, again, over and over, and he not only tells her it doesnt matter (what happened to him) but TURNS HIS BACK ON HER. he is literally shutting her off. he is saying with his body she does not get to do that. and for someone who has grown up like this, with a mother cutting off any kind of displays of weakness, this must be a familiar feeling, something that goes off like a bell
but she still tries! she still tries! she sees something is wrong but she tries to get comfort anyway, because this is jayce, right, this is the man she cares for deeply, the man who has opened this door for her and the door she's let herself through, the man who has always had compassion for her. of course she tries again. why wouldn't she? so she starts that something has happened to her but he doesn't even let her tell him what happened (actually it makes me so mad seeing this again and how crazy hostile he is towards her, its like im looking at the mel hating part of arcanetwt and him repeating beat for beat what theyve been saying for years) he doesnt give her room to speak, just takes it for himself, prioritizing himself and his own feelings. and, yes, figuring out the bombing thing and wanting to talk about it is valid and i think in general this could've been a great angsty way to deal with this topic IF they would've had the opportunity to talk this out properly but what happens instead is that the man that makes mel feel safe starts INTERROGATING her like she is a criminal that should be held for trial FOR SAVING HIM something she doesnt even undestand herself. and suddenly she is in a whole different position and i think by now she knows that this kind of compassion and understanding and room for vulnerability isn't part of their conversation anymore
she loses her composure and that of course isnt a first because she has started to be less put together around him, allowing her more room to "sway" but this kind of destruction is a different one because she feels at trial, feels cornered, feels like she has to explain herself but - and thats what is important - isnt heard. and i think that is something she knows very well, something shes grown up with, trying to explain herself and not being heard.
all of that happens while he is, mind you, still holding onto that hammer. something she surely notices too. the man who's usually quick to let down his defences around her, who isnt councilor talis or mister talis but just jayce around her, is holding onto that hammer like shes a threat. so he tells her he thinks shes lying and she asks him why he would think she'd do that, obviously, because her understanding of their relationship and their trust is a different one than his or at least this jayce that has come back from the arcane, because clearly this kind of understanding comes from somewhere and it comes from the times they've spent together alone throughout season 1 and a little in the beginning of season 2.
he throws at her that shes been using him, something that surprises her, because clearly she doesnt know what has happened, but she tries to explain anyway, because she doesnt know what has happened at least not in full (as you can tell by her reaction to viktor appearing, sensing the hostile mood between both, but also the way she reacts when viktor mentions the noxians intentions), and you can see that these thoughts of his are a result of months in the arcane alone with them and imagining conversations over conversations (although for me its still hard to understand how he grew that hostile towards her this quickly as if she were responsible for everything that happened but those are thoughts for a different post). he crashes out during that conversation, his face is warped with hatred and that is. all. for. her. to. see. and then BOOM goes the hammer off. mid conversation. a conversation that should feel safe with a man she should feel safe with but none of that is there. there is no space for her. (and yes i know hes aiming at viktors puppet but that isnt somethng mel is aware in that moment)
it all leads up to a fight and eventually they walk together and he apologizes, although very distantly and without much explanation, and despite it all, despite having good reasons to shut off and not share what she's feeling, she does. she talks to him about what is on her mind and they have a short, bittersweet exchange but it's just nowhere to what they've established in the first season. as a shipper of course that is super frustrating, but as a mel fan it's just sad to see that the person she felt safe enough to seek comfort in is just so closed off. but not only that, it's obvious they're parting ways and it's very obvious this is coming from his side and i think that is also why she so wilingly accepts it. she doesn't fight much back throughout their whole fight earlier either, she tries to explain herself, but doesnt demand that room for herself even though in this relationship she should be able to take just as much room for herself and her feelings as he does, but she doesn't. she just lets it happen and i understand it bc you have this man you trust and probably love and his first reaction to you is hostile when hostile has never been a response to her. he made a complete u-turn and of course that's off putting, maybe even scary, of course it shuts her down, makes someone who's so good with words and fighting just try to cause as little damage as possible because that is how she's grown up, isn't it?
and that is why i am sad about this. she learned that love doesnt have to look like her mothers and that being vulnerable isnt a weakness and its his doing but here she is met by this kind of hostility she only knows from noxus and it hurts even more that it COMES FROM HIM and over something as SAVING HIS LIFE when its clearly was an act out of love and not investment bc if i'd would've been just that than she would've saved viktor as well? but it wasnt about that. it was her subconscious making a decision and it was something her mother would describe as an act of weakness (theres a reason she gets renni to attack him bc she sees how fond mel of him is maybe even because shes been fond of a man herself once and she knows what itll do) and i think the worst part about it is that she doesnt ever get to truly articulate this or anything else and now that jayce is gone (dead? in a stone? who knows?) she won't get to ever probably. she won't get to say what she thinks and explain herself truly and she won't have anyone to confide in, to be comforted by or comfort. elora is dead, kino wasn't real and the real one is actually dead too, jayce is well whatever he is, and her mother died in her arms. yes, mel is a mage and that is fucking awesome and i was so happy to see her go off and get so many spotlights in battle, but shes also so fucking tragic actually. because here she is with a fuck ton of weight on her shoulders, the noxian army looking up to her, the whole name, not knowing who her father is or what any of her powers mean, the whole black rose thing, everything unresolved between her and jayce, the death of the people she loves, and shes all alone with it. shes all alone with it and she gets no one. man im just fucking sad that this woman got a glimpse of what it could be like to be loved and have someone to "come home to" just for her to have literally no one left like why do you hate black women so much why cant they get a fucking good ending and why cant they be fucking loved even when things get hard
also im lowkey mad that jayce got to find comfort in her lap so many times and not once did she get that in return, not even a squeeze of her shoulder, but dont let me get started on that....
#mel medarda#jayce talis#meljay#onlymeljay#goldenforge#arcane#arcane season 2 spoilers#arcane spoilers#kds.txt#im sorry this is a lot but i have so many thoughts#a lot of them hurt me#but i think this one just kills me the most#i wanted her to have something she didnt have before#it was so nice to see her being treated this well#only for it to end like that#and so cold too
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could you explain your reasoning for butch harrow? im asking this in a way a student asks a master
ok so. up top: do i think harrow is butch in canon? no. god no. absolutely not. secret third category of person. not butch or femme shes just like A Guy who really fucking likes black
however i do think that between those two ends of a nebulous spectrum, being butch would be way more comfortable for her than femme, if we think of it in the most traditional sense for both sides. there are literally exceptions to every rule femmes can have short hair and wear pants, butches can have long hair and wear makeup yadda yadda. but the way she interacts with certain elements of her presentation in canon just felt to ME, PERSONALLY, that being traditionally feminine would freak her the fuck out
ive seen people compare her compulsion to wear the skull paint to a need to wear makeup and i. very much disagree. id see it more as like, an overtly religious thing, like a nuns habit or a hijab, its modesty and how she shows respect for her god, also routine, its as natural as putting on pants for her. and also frankly if it was an analog for traditional makeup that would be uuuuh awful. like I genuinely feel terrible for women who cannot even leave the house without foundation or contouring or whatever i dont know shit about makeup but holy fuck. if shes femme in that analog id be shaking her by the shoulders GIRL. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE A NAKED ANIMAL
another thing is her hair. so many people read her having short hair and immediately went to a bob or a pixie cut. and between tamsyns inconsistent description of the length of her hair in book one (saying its stuck to her face with sweat despite them being there for like, a month) and the htn cover being The best image we have of her, i understand that conclusion. but in the beginning of gtn its said its close cropped, tamsyn said on her blog post describing all the characters its "cut short (as benefits someone in a monestary)" which is a very interesting choice of words tbh. like im sute she didnt mean harrow is completely bald in the middle with a ring of hair but that Is the monk haircut. and then finally harrow says to gideon outright "i wont cut you bald-even though your hair is ridiculous- because I know you wont shave it every day" which i always took to mean being shaved down to the scalp is just how the ninth is traditionally. in harrow the ninth its said "occasionally ticklish rasps at your ears or forehead would frighten you numb before you realized ut was your own hair" indicating that she is not used to that length at all. also theres the fact that ianthe made her hair grow faster particularly to fuck with her. in short harrows haircut is shitty and utilitarian and any fussing with it has only been described in relation to her direct discomfort
finally theres that goddamn dress scene. why did ianthe put her in that stupid fucking thing. humilation tactic (im exaggerating but it basically was explicitly and exclusively for ianthes own amusement). shes such a simple girl, she just wanted something that could cover her up. its not impossible to have a longsleeved formless dress, but beyond my own opinion that i think harrow would have been uncomfortable in anything, i think the fact this like, explicit symbol of femininity is used to further degrade her in some sense in a room full of people who font reapect her feels like. intentional on the authors end. it quite literally just isnt her, its not even a true black its like a deep midnight blue. you get the pretty woman makeover scene but harrow comes out of it more miserable and resigned than ever. augustines approval means nothing. she looks in the mirror and sees her mother, a woman she appears to not have a single fond memory about. its all very sad
tldr when i talk about butch harrow its less about her "being butch" and more about how unfemme i think she is. also i want more butch4butch dykes i think gideon and camilla should teach her how to tie a tie.
#asks#Anonymous#is this anything. at all#but for aerious i need more tiny little freaks to be butch#i know you people love your muscle mommys but i need something else. or ill die
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what could possibly go wrong?
matt sturniolo x influencer!reader
summary: matt tries to teach his girlfriend how to play fortnite on a twitch stream, request
warnings: lots of fluff, swearing, fortnite?, some suggestive jokes, yapper! reader
“babe, come sit with me. i just started the stream. people are joining, only for you i think” matt laughed
“of course they are they love me. i keep it real and i’m hilarious” you replied pulling out the extra chair by matt’s desk and sitting down.
“okay, so here’s your controller, and i’m gonna put the headset on you so people can hear you talk.” matt gently placed the headset on you and brushed a piece of hair out of your eyes.
matt got up for a second telling you that he was going to the kitchen to get a drink. you jokingly slapped his ass on his way out. you quickly looked between the camera and the chat trying to read what everyone was saying.
“guys, you want to know what i was thinking about today?” you waited to see their responces even though you were most likely going to tell them anyway.
“so i was driving around la today, and it’s getting hot out again, so everyone’s driving their convertibles. and i drove past like four of them. all i could think about was how easy it would be to steal the car, not that im going to, but how do people feel comfortable leaving their shit open like that”
matt walked back in as you continued to rant about convertibles, “i don’t know about you but half of my life is in my car. if i had a convertible people could easily just take all of my stuff”
matt looked at you dumbfounded, “what are you on about kid?” you looked up at him with admiration on your face.
“im telling them how i feel about convertibles. look they’re mad that you interrupted me.” you pointed at the chat. they were all waiting for you to finish your thought. “this is why we don’t like men guys, they just like to interrupt and be the center of attention”
matt cut you off before you could go on another tangent. “okay, we all know they love when you come on here, but let’s play fortnite.”
you looked at matt trying to hold yourself back. you looked at the camera and gave them a wink.
“what”
“… that’s what she said”
you stood up when you noticed something on the shelf about matt’s desk.
“dude you ass is in my face, and your…boobs… are in the camera” he said awkwardly as he pulled your arm for you to sit back down. he waited to see what you grabbed.
“don’t act like it’s the first time my ass has been in your face,” you sat down holding up your space camp lipbalm to the camera. “shameless plug. go buy it right now. immediately. instantly.”
you applied the chapstick as matt looked at you with puckered lips. he was expecting you to apply the lipbalm on him but instead you gave matt a kiss with a giggle.
“okay so fortnite” matt said trying to get you back on track, blushing.
“yes yes let’s do it” you replied.
“do you know how to use the controller?”
“yes sir, i think i do”
matt looked at you with a raised eyebrow in question. you didn’t let up though, you were sure you could figure out how to use the controller in secret.
“so you have to start by picking a character.”
“i’m indecisive. can you pick for me?” you said with a smile.
“no babe, you got it just pick one.” matt said with a chuckle. he set his chin in your shoulder to get a better look.
“i’m gonna go bonkers if i have to make decisions this whole time, matt”
“no there’s just one i promise. everything else is preloaded from me so you don’t have to worry,” he leaned forward to kiss your neck lovingly.
“i love when you make things easy for me. thanks baby.” you said taking your hand off the controller for a second to lace your arm through matt’s.
matt and you had been together for a while now, and with you both having lives on the internet a lot of your relationship was public.
the fans went crazy for anything related to the two of you. they loved you guys together. you had very different personalities, but it seemed to click flawlessly. they always said that opposites attract.
while matt was more reserved, you tended to speak your mind and talk about anything and everything. you were a certified yapper and proud of it, baby. your yapping kept the fans fed on the insides of yours and matt’s relationship. consensually of course.
“okay, so you’re just going to drop in and see what happens”
“what do you mean drop in? im just letting myself fall?” you were very confused on the workings of video games.
“yep, now just make sure you aware of your surroundings”
“making sure i’m aware of my surroundings, got it. i’m just gonna run over here and see what i can find.” you drowned on.
things went smoothly for a couple minutes. you managed to stay alive and not show that you really didn’t know what you were doing with the gaming controller.
all of a sudden you heard distant shots being fired from behind you. not thinking anything of it you kept of running about.
“y/n they’re shooting at you.”
“oh! wait what? where?” you had no clue what was happening. things were going by so fast.
“turn around and shoot at them.”
“matt what?” he was trying to point to where they were on your screen. “dude i don’t even know how to shoot”
“what! i thought you said you knew how to use the controller”
“yeah well i lied” you said panicked.
“these teenage boys are probably laughing at me and that’s a scary thought. teenage boys are scary.” you whined.
you kept pressing random buttons trying to figure out how to fire back, but it was no use. you rushed and threw the controller in matt’s hands so he could take over.
he some how managed to get the kill and your player only ended up injured.
by this point you had given up on the attempts to play fortnite.
you let matt fully take over now. as he played a few more rounds you began to converse with the chat. answering questions and just rambling about some interesting topics.
“y/n what’s going on in your head right in this moment?” you read from the chat. “um, i was thinking about how i was vlogging earlier and there was a spider in my room. i simply couldn’t believe it. i trapped it, but i made matt come get it out of my house”
“that’s very true. i had to drive over there for moral support.”
“my knight in shining armor.” you smiled, looking up at him. “my handsome prince”
matt blushed from your comment as he finished the game he was in while you continued taking to the viewers. you guys decided to wrap things up 5 minutes later.
“how are you feeling now that you know kinda how to play?” matt questioned.
“i feel like i’d rather sit next to you and talk to the chat while you play then actually play myself. i think i’m more content watching you play, but it was a good experience. thank you for teaching me, baby” you kissed matt on the cheek as he began to end the stream.
“i’m gonna be honest, i was stressed for you.” matt stated.
“i was to anxious. i didn’t like having to be in high alert 24/7”
“alrighty, bye guys thanks for hanging out with us”
you blew a kiss to the camera as the filming came to an end.
“can we go to bed now,” you questioned matt as you stretched and got out of your chair.
“yeah of course we can” matt replied pulling you over to his mattress with him.
an: i hope you enjoy this. tbh i know nothing about fortnite so i hope this made sense and met your expectations 🤍🤍
#matt sturniolo x reader#chris sturniolo x reader#nick sturniolo#chris sturniolo#chris sturniolo smut#matt sturniolo fluff#matt sturniolo smut#matt sturniolo imagine#matt x reader#sturniolo fanfic
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The 141 + König with a s/o who goes non-verbal
Tiny disclaimer: im autistic and have moments of being non verbal during breakdowns etc, so this is based mostly off of my own experience, but if anyone feels like ive said inaccurate or offensive things, please let me know as that would never be my intention. The way I've written this suggests this is a negative feeling (, since thats how i experience it) but I understand that might not be the same for everyone. For some people this might just be a daily or
Requested by @apocalypticseagull
Warnings: mentions of stress and the slightest hint at possible injury, besides that nothing I can think of
M!reader
Ghost
Ghost relates to you. While he wouldn't claim his experience is the same, he gets moments of overstimulation where he wants everyone to leave him alone, and will just stop reacting to people.
When he feels like this, he prefers to sit in his room, either completely in the dark or with only a small lamp on, and have as little noise around him as possible.
If you're in a stress situation, not knowing what else to do to help you, that's what he'll resort to.
He'll take you into either his room or yours, whichever you would prefer, and holds you while letting you get away from all the triggers for a bit. Unless you're dealing with life or death situations, whatever work you have left for the day can wait. Your wellbeing always comes first.
Soap
Soap is a lot more observant than people give him credit for. He's the king of avoiding stressful situations for you whenever he can.
But alas, he can't avoid it every time. Whether you start saying less and less as the minutes go on, or just stop talking suddenly, he notices immediately.
Not that he'd be quick to admit it, but he's got a written list of everything you like, even if it's just something you mentioned in passing. He absutely will use this list to do whatever he can to make you smile and relieve some of your stress.
He'll make sure to find a way to still communicate that both of you are comfortable with. He'll happily lend you his journal to write in, or he'll ask Roach for some lessons in sign language. He'd break his back bending over backwards to make you comfortable if he had to.
Gaz
No matter how often it happens, Gaz still feels a jolt of panic whenever you don't respond over coms when you're on a mission. He almost sags in relief as soon as he hears you hum, or even just hears the crackly static of you pushing your radio's button.
He knows you're a talented soldier and you're more than capable of handling yourself, he still prefers to be near you at all times. What if something happens and you can't tell him? You could be in trouble without him even knowing. He'll, just knowing you're stressed is making him want to reach for you.
He likes his job, likes helping people and ridding the world of danger, but his favourite part of every mission is when you're sitting in the exfil helo after a good mission, and you give him that wide smile he's been waiting hours, if not days to see.
Price
You and Price have been working together for so long, you both know the drill. When he starts to notice you going quiet, he makes sure he only asks yes or no questions. On your side; one click of your radio button for no, two for yes. Throw in some improvised morse code when necessary, and you've got a solid communications system.
Having this system is also a huge bonus during stealth missions, when he can't talk freely without risking being spotted.
He loves hearing your voice, but he doesn't treat you any differently when you can't talk. He'll support you in whatever way you need, without making it feel like he's babying you.
The two of you are a well oiled machine. No matter how stressful the situation, usually you can tell what the other one is thinking just by looking at them. You know you both have each other's back, verbal communication or not.
König
König doesn't mean to make a big deal out of it, and he won't if you don't, but he does worry.
After a situation like that happens once, he commits everything that helps you to his memory, and uses the knowledge to help you the next time it happens.
Even down to the tiniest detail, he'll remember. If you don't like a certain texture or can only stand a certain flavour of drink during moments like this, he's making sure you have everything you need and are as comfortable as possible. Whatever is stressing you will be dealt with by him while you're resting and calming down.
If you want to be alone, he understands and respects that, and gives you the space you need. But if you don't, there's nowhere he'd rather be than by your side.
#i think its kinda funny how so often when someone sends a request kinda like this i can relate#its the haha i do that meme#me 🤝 ghost: being the kings of mental illness#simon ghost riley x male reader#simon ghost riley x reader#john soap mactavish x male reader#john soap mactavish x reader#john price x reader#john price x male reader#kyle gaz garrick x male reader#kyle gaz garrick x reader#könig x reader#könig x male reader#also i hc roach as being either mute or non-verbal hence he might get mentioned lol#i just love him i wanted to include him in some way#cod x male reader#cod x reader#call of duty x male reader#call of duty x reader#i love that gif of soap so much#ive made ghost soap and könig a bit more general and focused more on the mission part for price and gaz to avoid repetition
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idk if you’ve ever talked about this but would love a spark notes summary of what your bllk guys are like in bed lol
I DONT THINK IVE EVER MADE A POST ABT IT REALLY? at least not like a masterpost i normally just go insane making 50 horny posts in a row KJSDKJS
i have such strong opinions on all of them actually im so mentally ill . also this reeks of my insane isagi bias sorry alsdkfjsd. u said sparknotes but i cant shut up to save my life SDKFJSJ SORRY!!!
isagi yoichi: he is the True Switch to me. prefers to topping to bottoming with some exceptions like depending on his partner. he leans in whatever direction is partner leans in so if you're submissive, he's dominant and vice versa. very obedient when he's being submissive. kind of an asshole when he's domming sdkfjlksdk massive tease and bully 🙂↕️. very verbal and likes to play mind games. a giver in his heart of hearts. enjoys facesitting. likes receiving too but blowjobs make him feel really sensitive so its a special occasion thing. has a thing for stockings and light femdom overall. loves anal. likes vanilla sex equally to everything else he's just generally down for whatever. very quick learner. has a bunch of somewhat random fantasies he's embarrassed about wanting to try but gets really into them when they happen. jack of all trades.
bachira meguru: another True Switch. NOISY IN BED. in general the type that wants to get his way. extremely bratty sub and kind of masochistic. likes the feeling of being completely dominated and also likes being the center of attention in sex. prefers topping to bottoming but only in a very slight margin. rough when he's dominating someone, like sickly sweet tone that completely contradicts what he's doing. likes quickies and in general having very risky sex whether that means being in public or going bareback. likes piss. bitey and likes bruising. fiend about head in general so loves getting facefucked and loves eating pussy. like he lovesssss it. likes receiving it too but likes to fuck(or be fucked) much more. spits an insane amount of filth during sex like goes on and on and on. just like a little slutty. unrelated kinda but his cock is BURLY. anyway.
itoshi rin: generally leans submissive and/or vanilla. kind of a spoiled brat about it but it takes him... a long long time to open up to that point. doesn't care about top/bottom position much. even in vanilla sex it's probably on you to take the lead in one or another until he's more comfortable. can be kind of stiff and awkward. unexpectedly clumsy abut everything and touches you carefully. good with his hands. likes being on the receiving end of body worship. usually does not like to inflict pain. its very intimate no matter what and unexpectedly emotional. uses sex as a stopgap for communication barriers so sometimes his cuteness aggression ends up as marathon sex where you fuck for hours. overall reserved and has to be convinced to do certain things even when he likes them. cant take being edged. always very embarrassed in the aftermath. likes being pampered a little and spoken too in a very embarrassing way but if you bring it up afterwards he'll fucking kill you. sweet when he's deep into subspace but again.... takes a while. he relies on his instinct a lot in bed, like more than normal.
oliver aiku: whore. another switch, but leans on dominant. no real pref for top/bottom. knows what he likes and how to please people. usually bottoms for very burly men and tops pretty boys - he is very typical in that sense. likes all women equally in his case and does what they say. weirdly unselfish which is what makes people come back to him. good with pretty much everything but his stroke game is undefeated and it is unfortunate for everyone. can be incredibly cruel while dominant or incredibly sweet. just depends on who he's with. enjoys getting head when its sloppy. big fan of anything related to ass (likes rimming as much as being rimmed etc). prefers one on one interactions so he can focus his attentions on one person but has been in several threesomes. in a relationship he is extremely heavy on body worship and praise. frightening stamina, never tired. can do it a couple times in a day without getting tired. likes spit and cumming on his partners face.
i think i will be here forever if i go though people can ask for specific characters if they want a version of this SDKJFSDJ. but these are my opinion on my Faves(TM). SORRY THIS IS SO LONG? something is wrong with me
i think a lot of the bluelock men are very switchy and weird about sex bc they are just insane KSJDKJ ??
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