#i invited my friend over to help
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Also, joke's on that guy. The only way that could have been more fun is if it was multiple denominations of coins. "Sort giant container of coins into small piles and total up the contents" is one of my favorite activities and part of why I loved closing the register and counting tips at the coffee shop.
#my dad had a 5 gallon bottle full of pennies#that had a few handfuls of other coins thrown in#that i got to sort and roll#and we used the penny jar to buy our first DVD player in 1997#it took HOURS#i invited my friend over to help#and she never hung out with me again#as an adult I'm like 'okay i'm sorry nicole you are correct this is not an appropriate social activity'#but as a kid i was like 'how could i have offended you with FUN ACTIVITY?'
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MDZS x ISAT part 2: Grandmaster of Time.
(Part 1)
#in stars and time#ISAT#Siffrin#Loop#digital art#I was going to wait a bit longer to post the other side of the swap#but we are coming up to the 'come back to gusu' moment in the audio drama so it has been on my mind.#Yes. That is indeed a screenshot of the demon baby blood cave from The Untamed.#It is so over the top edgy. I love how far WWX leans into his Evil Yiling Laozu role in this arc.#Better yet he invites LWJ over and is so unapologetic about it. It really does feel like a 'damn you live like this?" moment.#I think there are two kinds of friends in this world;#those that see your blood pit cave and say nothing and those that tell you they'll come by tomorrow to help you clean up.#ISAT thought time: I know Loop hangs out under a nice big tree 99% of the time but lets be honest;#If there was a evil bloody cave in the vicinity - that is 100% where they would ask Siffrin to meet them in.#Loop sends texts to their stardust with Ominous black images and says 'Go here. Into the dark.'#That or highly specific IP addresses that are right over sinkholes. Or in graveyards.#Point is; I think Loop and the Yiling Laozu would thrive in each other's aesthetics.
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fun fact: Them
#willos nation I have an important announcement to make#eyagh *disintegrates into powder and scatters into the wind forever*#that's all thank you for coming to my ted talk.#barbie mariposa#barbie mariposa and her butterfly fairy friends#barbie mariposa and the fairy princess#Had to attach a link to the last image because tumblr fucked the quality so bad#barbie#barbie movies#On a different note. They go on chore runs together. In my mind#I should've drawn that but you're going to hear it from me here instead#She invites him out on a laundry run to cut down on the being bored out of her mind and notices he's actually enthusiastic about it#Because like. Having grown up mostly sheltered and relatively(self-imposed or otherwise) isolated he#hadn't really had the experience of just Hanging Out very much#like hell yeah an excuse to leave the palace without having to deal with socializing with strangers. too much.#because she can deal with that. And i mean. he likes hanging out with her.#So she just keeps inviting him over for other menial chores. He's actually kindof competent at it and she really doesnt mind the extra help#cakeart#Also. also. She does poses for him. to draw. paint. whatever#Not in a weird way. in a figure drawing way. understand my vision. look me in the eye.#Artist/muse scenario in general. consider. consider. i'm correct#This post has been in my drafts since november it's not going to show up in the tags if I keep talking
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I sincerely think if Dennis Reynolds and Jeff Winger were to makeout, it would benefit them both immensely, in fact, it’d be good for their health
#jeff winger#dennis reynolds#wait wait okay they run into each other because Jeff’s a student and Dennis is out looking for his usual college girl type he’s so set on#but like they both come to the realization that’s not what they want anymore/never what they wanted or what will make them happy#because they see reflections of themselves in each other#and after having a wild whirlwind affair or one night stand they part ways each changed by the experience#and Dennis comes home and tells Mac how he feels#and Jeff tentatively accepts the dean’s invite to a dinner or something#text#anmmbposts#and also the next time the gang needs a lawyer Dennis is like I know a guy so they don’t have to use uncle jack anymore#and Jeff takes The Lawyer completely off guard and absolutely destroys him#and Charlie gets to excitedly talk with him about bird law to which Jeff either tells him hey greendale actually has a class on that#or hey you could teach a class on that at greendale#ignore me writing my silly crossover fanfic in the tags I’m at work and the thoughts are suddenly vibing#and they become like amicable sorta exes and if they ever meet each other’s friends do you think Mac and Shirley would bond over religion?#do you think Britta and Dee would get along?#I think Charlie might have fun playing games or building forts with troy and abed they could play night crawlers together#help me my mind keeps going
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why am I so pathetic
that I am left out of the friend group in my own damn house
that I'm always the last person they think to invite (they didn't even invite me this time)
that I'm just around to help them cheat on their worksheets
that I asked them over for my birthday and they sit in my house gaming amongst each other only
that they think they can do whatever they want and just shout over my voice
that even an outsider noticed that they don't bother including me anymore
that even though no one will say it all I am is a destination to hang out
that they just come visit me to talk with each other on my own birthday
that I keep answering all their messages and agreeing to hangouts and desperately following after them hoping something will change no matter how much it just gets worse
why am I so pathetic
#sunny's shitposts#it's too late and it's too hard to make new friends#i don't even feel hate or anything bad#just this empty feeling#wishing i had done more#said more#was more#then they'd finally let me be their real friend#my own best friend of 5 years prefers everyone else haha#they don't even respect the fact that just because they can doesn't mean they should at my house#doing whatever the hell they want and i can't stop them#actually#they don't even ask if I'm okay having them over anymore#they just say go to Sunny's and what am i supposed to say#they're just making plans without me#usually invited last but ig this round they forgot#how can they forget.#i literally said i would be staying back to help with a project#god#I'm tired#im so tired#i wish i never made friends#why am i so pathetic
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these cats are a lot less scared of loud noises than they used to be, which is nice because i hate distressing them (this is their home! they live here!!). however on the other hand it does mean that turning on the stove fan when they start bothering me in the kitchen is no longer a guarantee that they will stay out of my business for any amount of time. trials and tribulations.
#('bothering me in the kitchen' read: constantly headbutting my elbow while i'm trying to chop vegetables)#they saw me with the vacuum and were like oh HELL no. five minutes later: *peeking out from behind a corner* you done yet queen?#(i wasn't. but it was nice that they kept coming to check)#the nice thing about being your friend's go-to catsitter is when they have a family emergency you have a built-in way to do#nice stuff for them#like all their other friends are like ahhh i wish there was something i could do to help i hate not being able to do anything#and i'm like you little babies. watch this *has a key to their house and knows where all their shit is so can clean and cook for them*#i did invite one of our mutual friends over tomorrow to help me make food#so that should be nice!#kittehs#my posts#sidenote how do people with pets keep their floors clean. like are you just constantly sweeping/vacuuming(/mopping???) or what?#this is one of the reasons i haven't gotten a cat myself. i don't really want little bits of litter all over the floor
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FUCK MY STUPID BAKA LIFEEEEE TELL ME WHY TRESPASSING DUDE JUST ASKED ME IF WE ARE FRIENDS... SIR I WANT YOU UNDER MY SKIN WDYM
#he didnt friendzonenme. theres context but ohhhh my godddd#so basically i said smth like 'oh idk if u care but in case ur wondering the reason I'm messaging u at 4am is bc i fucked up my sleep#schedule lol“ and he responded like ”wym idk if you care#ofc i care. im not heartless'' and i told him like 'you said at length how much your brother and others yap at you and volunteer random in#formation you didnt ask for and at times it huts me like oh lol wait a minute i do that'' bc like. i Know its different. and he didnt say#that to target me. but like... i cant fucking help it. i like him i take it personally and want to be cautious yk#trauma response or whatever and i also want to clarify where i stand with him bc he doesn't tell me anything if i dont say shit like this#and he responded to that with 'i care because we're friends (or at least i hope so'' and im like... sir we met on a dating app. I'm inviting#you to my house to bake bread... and to meet my friends... i want you!!!#hhhh god i need to craft a good response bc i do intend to tell him i like him. just not over text!!! this is an in person conversation#type thing!! hhhh
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my favourite side episode that ive been planning for 5ever is the team gets invited to a fancy ball and aja gets a handmade gown for it and feels really Normal about all this
#theres more to it but thats the relevant part#basically this is a s2 episode so after shes died and come back and hutch is really insistent that aja has to put effort into making friends#outside of them. because they know she doesnt really have anyone else. and they really only made it through losing her because they had#people in their corner to help and be supportive. and she doesnt because she doesnt. like people or want anyone else#so they get these invites to this gala and hutch is like nah i dont wanna go. find someone to give my ticket to and have a good time#basically forcing her to go without her safety blanket yk#and she doesnt know who to ask and the whole episode is over the prep week for this while shes getting measured for the dress and#its getting made and fitted and whatever. and the costume girl whos been a side character the whole time but aj has never really paid much#attention to is SO excited to make this fancy dress and will hold aj in there for hours just to make sure its perfect#and at some point after a convo with hutch aj realizes she doesnt. listen when other people speak to her. and actually sits down to listen#to what seffie has to say and actually talk to her. and she talks about growing up watching princesses and celebrities on tv and being poor#and wanting more than anything to look like a princess on a red carpet like that and then does some like haha well at least i get to do my#job! and youll look beautiful! and aj is like. well actually. i have a ticket.#and thats the episode its mostly just about aja learning that other people DO understand her and she CAN relate to them#things she has convinced herself are impossible#and then it has the bonus of these two girls who never get to feel beautiful get to play dressup and go to a fancy party and enjoy each#others company. its kind of a filler episode but i love it#🌟
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#feeling extra melancholy tonight#all of my feelings and loneliness just simmering in the salty broth of my tears#yes I’m still melodramatic but to be fair we were both melodramatic and i think that’s why we were such good friends#or i think we were such good friends; perhaps I’m misremembering now#breathing in the miasma of retrospect i suppose#i can’t reduce it all to ‘one thing that hurts the most’#they’re interconnecting pieces—a glass jigsaw puzzle and no identifying pattern to help put it together#your requests for my patience and my endless store of it#your invitation and my fear it would be retracted#my faith in your assurances and your subsequent retraction#you said you only asked me because you were sad and lonely as though the potential hadn’t been dangled in front of me for years#this all sounds bitter i know but it’s really just me thinking out loud#because if I’m never going to get closure on any of this#i should be allowed to put my feelings somewhere they can be read at a later date#i would never think to email you any of this#for one it would make me look crazy—the woman who couldn’t take no for an answer!#clearly i took the ‘no’ and left you in the peace you so desperately wanted#but being ghosted after so long of being your pal and your confidant… well that hurts in a way i was never allowed to express#of course i still love you. i will never not love you#but you showed up in my dreams again last night#taunting me about all i cannot have#i know it’s my subconscious being a complete dick#and not really you#and then i got into it with him tonight about how i just have to accept this platonic life#most of the time i deal with it just fine. i have lots of hobbies as you know#hard to stay sad if you’re wrangling yarn and puzzling over reflexive verbs#but in the quiet hours i used to love so much#everything floods in#please forgive me my elaborate tag salads directed toward your unfillable absence#goodnight my darling dearest
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the thing about being back at your parents’ is that you will be thinking a lot about your childhood. be it in a good way or a haunting way, you will be doing that
#also the fact that i have like 3 friends left in my hometown and i don’t really know them that well anymore doesn’t help#if i was feeling this way back in [redacted] i’d simply invite my friends over#but here????? if i have to invite friends over the big boss (my mom) will tell me that everything needs to be perfect etc etc#che rottura di cazzoooooo#rambles
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on the razors edge of saying things that would start conversations i KNOW are destructive to both me and other people so hello tumblr. I'm posting here instead because those people are not here
#i have no business asking my ex what his poly lifestyle is like#i have no business daydreaming about being IN a polycule#i have no business inviting a friend over to help her sleep even and no actually ESPECIALLY if it was half a joke#but god i am daydreaming. what if. what IF i had a nice cozy little cluster of people in varying degrees of intimacy....#whatever each individual relationship felt right at you know?#what if i had a little relationship anarchic come and go as you please nexus#what if we could choose to hold hands or share a bed or just share emotional conversations#what if i could invite someone over to just sloppily make out on the couch for an hour and then get dinner#or perhaps [redacted]#or perhaps just sit together doing our own things#and what if anything across that range was allowed if we both wanted it but not expected and not exclusive#god a guy can dream. i barely have the emotional bandwidth to keep a housecat happy so could i hold up in a polycule? fucking doubtful#but god i am dreaming
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#it is 5 hrs past my bedtime and i am awake listening to Two Hearts by Dermot Kennedy on loop and crying over Rotating Shifts. again.#i couldn’t resist the urge to read the latest chapter any longer but i knew when i did i’d get like this#so Why did i wait for my period to roll around. i have made. a silly decision lmaooo#i’ve complained abt it before but i’m conflicted about how much more sensitive it makes me#my nightmares usually don’t make me cry but oh i was a Wreck this morning#so why i picked tonight to read the fic that always makes me cry is beyond me#i have never met a fic before that had me in such an intense emotional grip#and it’s fucking hilarious bc it’s not that intense of a story!! like yeah there’s been devastating parts but i’m out here having to-#-take a break every single chapter bc i’ll read one line that hits my inner child like a truck and i have to take a minute to recover#but the whiplash this fic gives me is so fucking funny and the range in the storytelling from comedy to tragedy is just.. *scream-cries*#it has my favorite characterization of Sun and Moon that i have ever seen#this chapter wasn’t even that sad i’m just Making myself sad about it#but on another level it also makes me sad in the sense that i don’t think i’ll ever be able to write something that good..#all that i want out of my writing endeavors is to make one (1) person feel as strongly and as much as RS makes me feel#and i don’t know if i can do that. i don’t know if my writing has what it takes bc i can’t even describe exactly what it is#i don’t think it’s a science that can be replicated. things either connect with someone or they don’t#the way Sun goes from worryingly innocent ‘wdym we can’t invite strangers to live with us?’ ‘wdym we can’t adopt an adult that needs help?’#to fucking. tearing an animatronic in half in a fit of protective rage and blocking access to all dating apps to prevent you from-#-finding anyone else bc he’s your Special Friend and he can’t have his Daydream falling for anyone else!! no no!!#it’s not a new concept but i eat it tf up when Sun is actually the one you should fear the most#like no i don’t think he’d hurt Reader but i dread to think of the things he would do For them#the back and forth between childlike innocence and terrifying intelligence possessiveness and physical capability is just mmmmm 100/10#and don’t even get me started on Moon. or i Will start crying again#he’s like yeah dumbass of course i’m gonna save you every time some POS man tries to **** you. of course i will you fucking crater-head#but i will complain at you about it the Entire way home and then i will steal your fucking toilet paper and pack you a raw egg for lunch#because i hate you 🖤 but Sun loves you and we would both kill for you 🖤 also i drank all of your chocolate milk 🖤 also i hate you :)#anyways i am paraphrasing obviously and dear god i hope no one who actually reads RS sees this bc i do not want my 2am ramblings taken as-#-any kind of Official Thoughtful Analysis of the story ok pls pls pls let me be insane abt my favorite fic without having to be articulate#i just have so many fucking FEELINGS about them. i am unwell.#i’m not even tagging this i’m just hitting post and going to sleep goodnight
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someone really should be talking about how difficult it is to plan a wedding - a gay wedding - when both of your families fucking suck
#who is talking about this!!!! let me know#idk i have 0 expectations for my family but they still somehow always manage to let me down which#i was anticipating#and i didn’t think i would care because i have never cared before#but liiiiiike.#i wasn’t expecting to feel sad rofl but my family is so fucking flaky. again i KNOW THIS i know i cannot rely on any of them#it’s annoying when i have given them a year and a half to make plans and i have had so many people tell me they would be there#just to back out or ghost or come up with some excuse#like do you know how expensive weddings are 😭 JUST fucking be honest with me and rsvp no#anyway i was very intentional with the few family members i did invite#and specifically invited people i have a rapport with / had a good (ish lol) relationship with growing up#people i have bent over backwards trying to please!!! and dropping everything to help them out#and they can’t even be bothered to communicate with me lol it’s fine. like. i do feel like it’s internalized homophobia at this point#or maybe they have hated me this entire time which is totally plausible#but they KNOW how much ayesha means to me and knows that no one from her family is coming to our wedding#at the end of the day it’s going to be like. 5 people from my family 1 from ayesha’s (her brother) and like 30-40 friends#which i am so grateful for obviously#i sound like such a brat but it’s also like - watching your family continuously choose drugs/alcohol over showing up for you - lol#AGAIN i’m used to this and expected as much but i’m still feeling bad#just rsvp so i can move on with my life please. stop telling me you’re trying to make it work when we both know you aren’t#i have so much more to say but i’m going to sound crazy even though i knooooow it is homophobia like i Know it#i think there are certain people i will finally go no contact with for good after this#which is a freeing thought but i only invited v few family members to begin with. there’s abt to be no one left lmao#probably for the best#ugh whatever#again i can’t help but feel a certain way when they have done more/traveled further for relatives they hardly know#meanwhile i was forced to spend so much of my life living for these people and for them alone#AAAAAAAA i just want to scream#text
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Oh my god one last thing my ex took me to outside lands and when we tried to watch lana del rey he laid down on the grass and had a “panic attack” (this was after months of him talking about how he didn’t like her) so we went to see foo fighters after a bit and he was FINE
#LANA i know his sister works for you BUT TRUST MY WORD AND GIVE ME A FREE TICKET PLEASE…#MY FIRST TIME SEEING YOU WAS RUINED GIRL… she was so good too like i was saving her songs to spotify that night#im reliving all this because i found out a lot of his exes and ex friends hang out together and two of them invited me so it was me an ex an#d an ex friend just swapping stories and first of all. he said he got cheated on by this girl and she NEVER DID IT (HE would have emotional/#angry outbursts at HER though) (allegedly he’s acknowledged to her that the cheating never happened too) and 2. this is obviously making me#mentally rehash everything again. i feel so bad for his current girlfriend and also for the person i ‘’stole’’ him from though i really hesi#tate to blame myself after hearing about his patterns. first of all he wouldve done this with anyone who was vulnerable around him and secon#d i was the only reason he was at all honest with them. he was fully planning to gaslight this ex and me and his dad had to convince him not#to. they look like theyre happy now and im very happy for them over that. oh my god that man was evil he told me for WEEKS about every time#his then partner had talked shit about me while i made clear that i didnt care and wasnt very interested but he kept going. god i cant belie#ve this was my life a year ago.#the one thing i can say is that i out freaked him because throughout our short relationship i made him so insecure that a week after i told#to never speak to me again he called me asking if he really was ugly.#I CANNOT BELIEVE I HAD TO TEND TO A GROWN MAN WHILE LANA DEL REY WAS RIGHT THERE BECAUSE HE WAS SO OPPOSED TO BEING AROUND HER. LANAAAA#times like these i get so mad i dont know what to do but ultimately remembering that he has not achieved any of his goals because he refuses#to face himself really helps me. god man IVE achieved some of his goals and i wasnt even trying to#a really awful part of all of this was all of the friends who knew him taking his side. because they didnt know him well enough to know what#he was actually like.#i was talking to my ex friend of four years and she was like not to blame you but he was probably really vulnerable from his time with [ex p#rior to me]’’ because he’s been going around alleging that that ex was abusive. and she was implying i took advantage of him. so i had to go#into detail about what an awful awful person he was and the sort of state i was in when this relationship took place. hannah lee you are#not seeing your little jehovah’s witness heaven.#anyways redirecting this energy im very happy with the way my life is and the way i am now. and im grateful for it i would not have ever bee#n able to imagine having the sort of peace and motivation i feel now. life feels like it can and will change for the better and it keeps pro#ving that right all the time#it just hurts sometimes having that as my first experience and not even being able to vocalize what was wrong bc i just didnt know hurts#oh i forgot one of his besties can see my account bc we’re sort of mutuals. i doubt he’s looking he did the whole unfollowing the ex bc she’#s allegedly amoral thing after the breakup but if he is hi isaac#he did on rare occasion show me selfless kindness but ultimately your best friend is a creep. i don’t want to be involved with anyone from#our school but I hope you know this and I hope you’re proud
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damn living here really does suck
#logbook#'going to a block party!!' its the neighborhood block party. not invited.#i hate having to park across the street bc they arent leaving space anymore. and oh you can tell us to move. why dont you just move then??@!#my room is an absolute living hell and mess. i dont even know how to begin to organize it i'll probably just. throw stuff together and cart#it over once we're approved.#and then last night it was like. lets go to a karaoke night! our dog has separation anxiety and abandonment issues and barks and whines the#whole time we're gone but we're not home so its fine. . .except its almost 10 at night and we have a roommate. but fuck our roommate.#if i start sleeping at rents it feels like im giving in but. i feel like im going crazy and asking for too much to be like. hey man.#im a person here too. 'csn you handle the dog while we're gone to a block party' SO ITS MY FUCKING FAULT?? IM A CHILD NOW?#my whole room at rents is taken over by all their shit but i really am tempted to just. only come back here to pack and couch surf.#im just going to be told this is how it is now and 'so you dont want to be friends'? lord help me#if i didnt have jael i wouldnt be so concerned. or the plants. but i have both so i have to come by frequently enough to care for them.
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#i hate how wishy washy my social life is in this city like.#like everything has to be Planned and is a Thing and it’s like. i don’t want to go to a fancy group dinner#or get invited to a birthday party#i just want someone who will go to target with me#or come over and keep me company while i do laundry and then get tacos after like.#something that Actually feels intimate…idk#but now its like. i either go to this fancy dinner with a big group (who are mostly couples) and at least have something to do today#or. i spend my saturday alone.#like even the friends i have 1 on 1 its like. plans have to be made in advance if we wanna go get coffee or something#like nothing is just. spontaneous and casual its alk a Thing#but also like fuck. i just spent whole week at work alone i don’t wanna be alone in my weekend too like fuuuuuck this#and its like. i can’t help but feel like its my fault but i know its been hard because i work remote so im so fucking isolated#sometimes i think i should just move home but i know thatll just make me feel like i failed#at like. moving to a big city and making it work#but also i know its not just me like lonely city by olivia laing blah blah blah but goddddddd#i am a social creature!!!! i want to be around people!!!!! but in a meaningful and fulfilling way!!!!!!!#anyway thats my therapy session for today see u next time#m
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