#i i’m currently very mentally ill so I have no idea what’s going on

[charliextea]

guys. obviously they’re going to change the big picture. it confuses logan and they’re finally going to do something about it. like… duh

[chaosciara]

[image #1 id: A tweet by @/esdin (Ted DiNola | Virtual Realist) that reads,

“Regulatory Bodies: "ADHD medication is highly addictive"

ADHD Folks: "Wait... did I take my pills?"”

end id]

[image #2 id: Tumblr tags that read, “‘the struggle’; ‘drug seeking behaviour: I’m seeking where I put the goddamn bottle’”. end id]

[hyukakisses]

-emo beomgyu as your jealous bestfriend to boyfriend!

parings: beomgyu x fem reader

plot: heavily inspired by eli goldsworthy’s manic episode in degrassi, (and very old post i had up on my old account)

warnings: cursing, mentally ill/lovesick oreo gyu, sweet reader who’s a pushover, smut, jealous gyu, bestfriend to lover troupe, beomgyu is a bit toxic, beomgyu corrupts reader, reader is also mentally ill with a low self esteem if you squint, sub reader & dom gyu

“so how do i look?” you’d spin in your outfit you had planned out for the night, making beomgyu’s head shot up from the manga he was reading titled nana

beomgyu’s breath hitches at the back of his throat. “you look pretty really pretty” his big brown eyes trail up and down your frame. “why are you wearing black though? i mean it looks good don’t get me wrong but it’s just so not you”

you’d roll your eyes playfully at his comment, internally squealing at how beomgyu knew you so well. “i know this is going to sound so dumb but the guy i’m going on a date with only really likes goth girls”

beomgyu’s heart dropped to the pit of his stomach at your admission, you’re going out on a date? with a guy? a guy who wasn’t him?

“a date with a guy who doesn’t even like who you are? seriously y/n?” beomgyu did knew you had low self esteem but he didn’t know it was this low—

you’d frown at the blunt response, “i know i know i sound so pathetic but if i don’t mirror the people i like then how can i ever get them to like me?”

the scowl on beomgyu’s face falls, his eyes softening with pity at your words. how could you not see that he was in love with you? the emo boy would literally die for you — no scratch that beomgyu would kill bare hand slaughter anyone who even thought about you in a negative light yet you’re seriously convinced you couldn’t pull anyone with your personality alone?

beomgyu was about to speak up until your phone rings, a message from the mystery man that was outside your house waiting to escort you to a date and this made the manic emo boy’s blood boil

how dare he takes you away from him? how was that fair?

beomgyu groans loudly after waving you goodbye, waiting patiently on your soft fluffy bed resisting the urge to spam your phone with hundreds of messages and phone calls. hating how you chose some stranger over him

was he not good enough? did the black attire scare you off?

the feeling of impulsiveness rushes through beomgyu’s already wrecked headspace, grabbing his cellphone in a hurry. not being able to stop himself from double— no triple texting you in a row.

miss you >:( 8:10 pm

are you having that much fun without me? it’s been two minutes and you haven’t respond telling me how much you miss me too 8:12 pm

i really miss you 8:13 pm

beomgyu let’s out a sigh in frustration, contemplating on the back and forth idea of taking out his anger on your sanrio plushies but he breathes in excitement at the sound of his phone going off.

noooo im not having that much fun without you! i miss you too! 8:13 pm

>:( i hate when you leave me all alone you know 8:13 pm

im sorry ): i’ll make it up to you kay? stay up for me! mwah :3 8:14 pm

MWAH ^_^ <3!! 8:14 pm

WOAH WE KISSED! <3 >:D 8:14 pm

a little bit over a month passes since your night out, and you were currently sobbing on beomgyu’s shoulder. “i-i don’t know what happened i thought everything was going so well but he completely ghosted me when i bought up not wanting anything casual!”

“what’s wrong with me beomgyu? why doesn’t anyone seem to like me after the honeymoon phase? am i that terrible?” you went on a ramble squeezing onto your bestfriend for dear life.

beomgyu couldn’t ignore the slight pang of guilt in his chest as he held you in his arms, knowing how much it would kill you if you found out the reason why you can’t keep a relationship to save your life was because of him. beomgyu’s overbearing clinginess being a huge turn off to any guy you were talking to.

and since you were super trusting of your friend you never really saw how beomgyu was responsible for your bad luck in dating. this cycle resulting in your low self esteem eventually, often leaving yourself to do a lot of self blaming. wondering, going back and forth with your yourself on why things with literally anyone who showed you any romantic interest always went to shit

am i not pretty enough? am i that boring?

“hey hey so what if the guy doesn’t want to take things to the next level with you? the guys a total loser anyway did you see how beat his car was? you’re telling me you want to settle for someone who’s broke?” beomgyu chuckles trying to use humor to lighten up your pitiful mood

you’d sniffle, “b-but did you see the way he looked at me? it felt nice to be liked and not lusted for” and this made beomgyu chuckle to himself, lazily stroking your hair in an attempt to console you.

if only you knew how much beomgyu liked you— no loved you

“and i’m sure there’s ton of guys out there who will like you instead of lusting over you baby” beomgyu grins looking down at your face was buried in his scrawny chest

“r-really?” your head shoots up from the emo boy’s warm embrace, your eyes glimmering hopeful “you really think so gyu? you think anyone could love me?” you always craved beomgyu’s validation and reassurance

another thing you longed for was beomgyu liking you back, but he’s beomgyu and you’re well you’re you—

beomgyu laughs at your cute question, shaking his head causing his shaggy hair to bounce off his head. “are you kidding? of course i think anyone could love you and if they don’t then they’re a total dumbass”

what beomgyu really wanted to say was how he loved you, but the idea of someone as sweet as you dating a total mess of a man like him made the oreo haired boy feel sorry for you

you’d let out a wince, at the feeling of your bestfriend above you stretching out your pink gummy insides. clinging onto the males shoulder blades for dear life. “beomgyu c-can you be more gentle?”

beomgyu softens his blissed out gaze on you, basking in at how tiny you look compared to him and how pretty you looked laid on your back. you reminded the man of a princess.

beomgyu whimpers a nod at your words, his pace slowing down to a gentle rhythm. leaning down to close the gap between you both pulling your soft lips into a sweet kiss savoring the way you tasted like strawberry lip balm.

“does that feel better princess? im not hurting you too much now right?” beomgyu bangs flopped down his eyes making you giggle at the action

“n-no it’s not hurting anymore i feel really good..” you moan sweetly, loving at how beomgyu was checking up on you. “thank you for making sure my first time was with someone who loves me even if it was just in a friend way” you’d smile up at the emo boy bringing him down to your face for a hug

beomgyu mentally face palms, stuffing his face in the crook of your neck. the oreo haired boy drowning into your strawberry pound cake scent, wanting to scream at you in frustration. what kind of virgin takes another virgin’s virginity just because they loved them as a friend? are you really that fucking dumb?

a few weeks by and you had another date with another mystery man, and beomgyu was not happy.

after all the comforting words he told you how could you not see that he was in love with you? how could you possibly throw yourself at any guy who paid you attention?

beomgyu was tired of being nice and patient with you, and without thinking he immediately gets in his car to blow off some steam. imagining the hands belonging to your date dragging its way to your figure, cringing at the idea of you underneath another man cumming around his cock and such

beomgyu was so lost in the idea of you abandoning him for this new guy he didn’t realize he was driving straight into a tree, his eyes widening before the world around him went dark

“you came” beomgyu weakly smiles waking up as he senses you grabbing onto his hand

you’d sniffle back a few tears, seeing your bestfriend in such horrible condition and this made you feel very guilty. maybe if you were at home with beomgyu he wouldn’t have felt so bored at the house and he wouldn’t have gotten into his car resulting in his accident

“of course i came, i came as soon as i heard” fat tears fall down your face in relief when you examine beomgyu’s cuts face and saw that his cute weren’t severe. but the mere thought of beomgyu leaving you was too much

“im so sorry i should have never went out tonight— i should have just stayed indoors with you playing that stupid video game you like what what was it?” you cried trying to remember

“dead by daylight” beomgyu laughs at your crying state

“yes that! i’ve been so self absorbed i didn’t stop and realize that you need to come first im really sorry beomgyu” you’d rabble going into a fit of sobs, blaming yourself over and over again for this happening

“it’s okay seriously i just have a few cuts that’s all” beomgyu assures you, showing off the bandages around his body

“i know but i still feel so guilty..”

“don’t be”

you’d wipe your tears away with a dry laugh, “i don’t even know why i continue to go onto these dates when it’s you i want to be with” you’d admit blushing profoundly

“you what?”

“im sorry terrible timing i know but i almost lost you tonight so i might as well come clean” you’d laugh more genuine this time

“i like you too”

“you what?”

“you heard me, just shut up and help me home will you?”

a/n: this made me miss my ex.. enjoy enjoy

[grims-local-pkmn-irl-hub]

How to Write Engaging Anons

I’ve spoken to a lot of people behind close doors and we have all come to a realization: PKMN IRL as a community isn’t the greatest at sending engaging anons,,,

A lot of anons tend to get off track from what the blog runner is trying to do or will send completely unrelated anons during a plot moment on someones blog which can be incredibly frustrating for the blog runner.

So, I’ve decided to compile a little “guide” to help.

Look over the recent posts of a blog to see if they’re doing anything that could be considered plot relevant before sending an anon. Are they vague posting about something? Did they cut off a tangent too short? Did they mention they have stories to share if anyone wants them? Did they say something off or slightly concerning? ASK ABOUT IT! Ask them to elaborate! Ask for more detail!

Try and keep asks on task if a plot hook/point is currently happening. It is incredibly discouraging for a blog runner to see the notif for an anon only to open it and it have nothing to do with what they are currently trying to reveal/be engaged with. Do not latch onto a bit like your life depends on it because you are most likely just tiring out the blog runner who just wants to share interesting character/story info. Bits have a time and a place.

Don’t have a character that would realistically send that anon? Then don’t send it as that character, send it as yourself. The blog runner and character will not know the difference. This also has an added benefit of baiting a character into talking about something you know your character can then interact with. Anons are great for interaction in more ways than just asks.

Worried someone already sent the ask you’re about to send? SEND IT ANYWAYS! A blog runner would much prefer two of asks of generally the same question than zero asks! And it shows that people care enough to ask that question twice! It gives the blog runner something to think about when writing!

Don’t have any idea of what anon to send without an ask game? SEND THE SUPER “BASIC” ONES! I promise you that very basic questions like “how do feel about this”, “why do you say that”, “you mentioned [this], can you elaborate more” ARE LOVED BY BLOG RUNNERS!!! So much can be understood about a character’s mental state or attitude depending on how they choose to answer these questions. They’re “basic” and “overused” because they are really good questions to ask!

Try and engage critically with a character! Remember! This is an RP community! We are playing these characters as if they are real so you need to treat them like people! For example: Telling a very clearly mentally ill character that their thought process isn’t healthy and that they should just go to therapy isn’t the most helpful anon and it especially isn’t when that seems to be all the blog runner gets when they’re character gets like that. A good way to try and engage critically is to ask similar questions as above such as “why do you think that” along with some others like “can you walk me through your thought process”, “do you know when you started acting/thinking like this”, etc.

IC Hate Anons. These anons are fun and good! They can be very useful for story telling and showing off certain aspects of a character! They can also be super draining especially when that seems to be all that a character gets when trying to do plot hooks/points. It can make a blog runner’s motivation wane and deplete when all it ever seems like is that anons want to use their character as a punching bag. A good way to negate this is if you send an IC hate anon is to quickly follow it up with an anon that’s trying to engage critically and is asking questions and treating the character as a person. This allows for a blog runner to have choices on whether they want their character to be a punching bag right now and get beat down or would rather follow the anons line of questioning.

Ask games. I know I’m beating a dead horse here but SEND AN ASK TO THE PERSON YOU ARE REBLOGGING FROM. The blog runner will see you reblogging it from them and be waiting for an ask to come in and then it never does. Send an ask. They are literally pre-written most of the time. Okay that’s all I have to say here. 👍

Make sure the anon has some sort of substance. Even when sending anons outside of plot periods make sure the anon has something the character and blog runner can actually feasibly answer. One word anons that are just “yeah” or “okay” are incredibly difficult to respond to. So is randomly being sent quotes or things that just generally have nothing to do with the blog or pokemon in general. People have an easier time when being sent asks about their character’s pokemon, family, friends, most recent stupid post, etc. I have about 40 anons rotting in my inbox for @/espers-n-espurrs because they have nothing to respond to. And this isn’t to say silly/dumb anons shouldn’t be a thing. They should be but they should also be something someone could reasonably reply with besides just replying with “why the fuck did you send me this”.

In all, remember you are not only engaging with a character and their story but you are also engaging with a blog runner. You may never know their name or have a one on one conversation with them but the asks you send their characters do have an effect on the blog runner.

Show that you are engaging with their character, show that you care about the story they are trying to tell.

Reblogs are important for interaction but in my mind asks are the backbone of this community. A good ask and a good response allows for a good chance for others to be able to interact with the response IC.

But yeah, remember, the blog runner is still there behind that screen, you are still interacting with them when you interact with their character. Give them something to work with when you send an ask.

[roxineedstosleep]

Also what does the Superfam/superman do for doctor/dentist appointments? Does the Superfam constantly x ray you to check for issues?

What would they do if you have a toothache? Or would they notice before you?

(Sorry if this is a lot. I’m currently stuck in bed for a few days.)

Also could I get added to your taglist on everything?

They would definitely know if you've been brushing your teeth properly and could try to do something about taking you to the dentist when they notice that your wisdom teeth are becoming more of a nuisance than they should be.

If Clark hadn't been a reporter, a job as a dentist would have fallen almost perfectly into his lap.

If it is a Yandere affair?

The Kents would definitely (especially the Kryptonians in the family) be checking your vitals from time to time.

X-rays, super hearing, definitely the latter.

They would know what's going on with you at any given moment, especially if they notice that something is not within what they consider your ‘normal range’. Of course, Kon and Jon would be quicker to notice how weird it is, considering they do have human DNA in their bodies and can better parameterize some things. Clark, ironically, knows by theory what's right and wrong with your human body, but by the very fact that he has no real idea - he kind of knows what it's like to have a fever and what it should feel like and he knows what it looks like, but he's never really experienced it himself - so he's a little dependent on what the kids and Lois can tell him.

To be honest, I think they might determine more short-term things than long-term things.

Example: a fever, allergies, vomiting, stomach upset. If it has an external factor as a cause, they might know how to handle it.

But more long-term illnesses, I don't think so.

Like, if the reader, for some reason, was developing cancer, I don't think they would notice it until the early stages.

I mean, Clark knows a lot about human anatomy because he's interested, and I'm sure his kids know something out of necessity. But, there are parts of the body that are always mutating.

The cells of the body are always developing for something or renewing themselves. If it's an aggressive one they can probably detect some anomaly, but if it's one that takes a while to show signs… they may even be a little late in noticing exactly what's going on. That is, they'll notice something is going on and they know it's not normal within your established health parameters, but they won't know for sure until they can tell what it is.

Of course, compared to a regular medical diagnosis, they may even detect it at an extremely early stage, which helps in your recovery.

And, as far as mental illnesses or psychiatric conditions are concerned, I think they will be completely lost there.

A brain tumour or a concussion of the skull is easy to treat, but a panic attack or something more complex to analyse as one of these conditions might be… they definitely don't know what to do.

For them, to give an example, it would be something like this: They see something happening in there, they know what part of the brain is affected and how that affects the rest of the body. But they don't know what the exact cause is and how they could - effectively - cope and do a proper treatment that would allow their loved one to have a good quality of life.

These are vague ideas.

I'm definitely lacking more precision, but I feel it would look like this if we were talking about the Superfamily monitoring everything that is related to your health.

[mermaidsirennikita]

I feel I should say I’m one of those people who read Wuthering Heights as a full-grown adult and was like, “How in the hell is this romantic? Cathy married someone else to get away from Heathcliff, and then her murderous ghost kills him for what he did to her children.”

To only focus on young Cathy and Heathcliff’s doomed romance is to seriously miss the point of the book.

I don't think the novel was ever intended to be romantic (... in a conventional sense), but it has a very compelling romantic relationship between two people that influenced later straightforward fictional love stories, which is why it is what it is today.

However, I will disagree on the take on Cathy's motives for marrying Linton. She doesn't marry Linton to escape Heathcliff; she marries Linton to go TO a level of status that she does not currently have. She does love Linton, in her way, and appreciates the gentleness and stability her offers.

However, Cathy does not present Heathcliff as someone she "will not" marry when explaining her mindset to Nelly. She presents him as someone she CANNOT marry because he's too "low" for her. At this point, he doesn't have the wealth he'll have when he comes back, and I would also say: Heathcliff is NOT the degree of fucked up that he is when he returns. He's super abused and angry... but he's a teenager. He doesn't have shit. He's not angry at Cathy the way he is when he returns, because though he knows she's heading towards something with Linton and is acting differently, she has not married Linton YET. He's possessive of her, but the relationship is not in the place that it is in when he returns from his mysterious absence.

If Heathcliff was not low, Cathy would quite possibly (probably?) marry him. Her big speech is telling Nelly that she loves both men, but her "pretty" love for Linton will fade. Her love for Heathcliff is an "ugly" love, but it is enduring and will always endure. Cathy doesn't see him as something to run from as a person; she sees him as an extension of herself. Catherine and Heathcliff, especially Catherine because she dies so young, lack separate identities. They are basically one person growing up—and in fact, at points Catherine is the worse one, as she takes part, as a child, in the abuse of Heathcliff before growing to love him. (I mean, she's a child motivated in part by jealousy... but still.) She's also manipulative , abusive to Nelly (the "help"), and basically puts on a good face to Edgar Linton that disguises how fucked up she actually is.

Catherine Earnshaw is essentially denying her actual self (not necessarily her best self, but who she is at her core) when she marries Linton. She is turning her back on whatever identity she has, however fractured and enmeshed with Heathcliff's it may be.

Catherine has become somewhat tamed when Heathcliff returns, and she's fully aware of how bad his behavior is (see: Isabella Linton). But that doesn't mean she doesn't want him around. She wants him and Linton to settle their conflict, she wants him to be "her" Heathcliff again (versus who he is when he returns successful and even more embittered) and it reads as very "have my cake and eat it too". Which is consistent with the selfishness that seems inherent to her even in childhood.

She wants her marriage to Linton. She also wants Heathcliff to settle down (emotionally speaking... not with another woman lol) so that she doesn't have to worry about their conflict anymore and clearly has much more passion for Heathcliff. Her death is linked in part to that passion; she's mentally ill, she's stressed about Linton barring her from Heathcliff, she's not eating and isolating herself, all while pregnant. She declares her love for him right before she dies and basically gives him shit for like... not at the same time... because she can't handle the idea of him being alive when she's not. She basically screams at him to stay with her when he's about to dip because Linton is returning from his errand (while Nelly sits there like OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK as her super pregnant and super dying mistress like... basically makes out with Heathcliff.... and her husband is heading up the stairs about to burst into the room....).

And Heathcliff in turn wastes away (maybe self-starvation?) because he wants to be with Cathy's ghost. The description of his corpse indicates that he looks happy to die and be with Cathy. I don't think her ghost killed him by any means—but if she did, it was exactly what both of them wanted. Eternity together in death.

I mean, who knows what Catherine Earnshaw would've bene like as a mom to Cathy II. But I kind of highly doubt she would've been a good one. As soon as Heathcliff was back on the scene, she started denying her husband and obsessing over him, and if she'd made it past the birth, I don't think that would've changed at all. Catherine is, from jump, a shitty person, and I feel that her ability to be shitty and passionate and very much a partial architect of her own destruction (mutually with Heathcliff, and she in turn his a mutual architect of his downfall like, she and Heathcliff are essentially planning their long game suicide pact in their last scene together lol... and it's Heathcliff's bitterness and determination for vengeance that keeps him dying sooner, versus a lack of desire to be dead with Cathy) is what makes Catherine such a fabulous character.

Heathcliff is a horrible person, but Catherine isn't THAT much better, and she does not seem to truly WANT to be that much better when we take away what she thinks she should be.

[mrsshabana]

Patient!Gyutaro x Nurse!Reader - CHAPTER 1

Chapter 2

✦ CW: 18+ MDNI, female reader. Mentions of mental illness, suicide, and sexual abuse of a minor. This fic has many dark themes, please do not read unless you are comfortable!

✦ AN: The long awaited nurse au is finally here! Sorry it took me so long, but I wanted to make sure it was perfect. Lots of thought and research went into making this fic. There will also be art included in this chapter!

✦ WC: 2,146

This is what you should have expected from a job in the medical field that didn’t require much qualifications. Working at an asylum wasn’t ideal, but they are incredibly desperate for new nurses. As most of them are unable to handle the physical and mental toll that a place like this puts on someone. 

It’s your first day at your new job. You were excited until you entered the building. The dreary interior mixed with the groans and screams of unruly patients wasn’t the welcome that you had been hoping for.

You’re young, almost too young to be working at a place like this. The other nurses didn’t take you seriously, and they were going to make the transition for you more difficult than it needed to be. You were being assigned to a patient that is notorious for being difficult to work with. The other nurses use him to weed out the weak. Always shifting the new hires to care for him. They usually leave within the first week, so his care returns to one of the veteran nurses known for having a mind of steel. She’s cold hearted, but that helps you deal with a job like this. The complete opposite of you. A warm young woman, eager to treat and rehabilitate.

Currently you are being led to your new patient. Quickly scanning over his records as you follow the nurse through the halls of the sanatorium.

Rashomon Riverbank Asylum

Patient Record

Name: Shabana, Gyutaro

Identification Data: Sex: Male Age: 23 Height: 6’ 3” Weight: 134

Race: Asian Hair: Black Eye: Blue

Special Handling Code: Code Red; Keep medicated Special Handling Instructions: Keep away from sharp objects

Medical History: Multiple suicide attempts, Complications due to sickle cell anemia, Treated for Congenital Syphilis

Diagnoses: Sickle Cell Anemia Hutchinson’s Teeth Borderline Personality Disorder Antisocial Personality Disorder Depression Insomnia

Current Medical Treatment: Special diet for weight gain Medications given AM & PM

Medications: Wellbutrin - 100 mg twice daily Abilify - 10 mg once daily Carbamazepine - 350 mg twice daily Xanax - 2 mg twice daily Trazodone - 150 mg once daily Voxelotor - 500 mg once daily Adakveo - 5 mg IV infusion once every 4 weeks

Gyutaro Shabana, your very first patient at Rashomon Riverbank Asylum. Looking over his record, this is going to be a difficult one. You’ve learned about a majority of these diagnoses in college, so you have a good idea about the kind of treatment he will require. It’s strange though, he seems to have lost the genetic lottery. And you haven't even seen his face yet, you can only imagine what he may look like.

An asian man with sickle cell anemia is almost unheard of, roughly 0.0022%. And on top of that he was born with Congenital Syphilis. It’s quite frankly amazing that he’s lived past 20.

“Just introduce yourself, then I’ll take you to your other patients,” the other nurse says as she stops in front of his door. 

Not wanting to be impolite, you hesitantly knock on his door. There’s no response. You figured that there wouldn’t be, so you open the door anyways.

“Hello, Mr. Shabana?” you say coyly.

When you peek into the room, you are instantly frozen by his icy gaze. He’s sitting on his bed with a book in his lap. His cold blue eyes send shivers down your spine.

“I’m um… I’m your new nurse.” you choke out. He’s feet away from you but you feel as though his hands have a tight grasp around your throat.

“My name is Y/N. Um… If you ever need anything d-don’t hesitate to call for me…”

The expression on his face is unchanging, as he remains silent.

“Well I’ll see you later tonight Mr. Shabana…”

Closing the door, breaking the line of sight that he had on you, instantly you feel a surge of relief.

You go on to visit the rest of your patients, then you come back later that night to give Mr. Shabana his dinner. A high protein meal, specifically for weight gain.

Knocking on the door a few times before you push it open, “Mr. Shabana, I have your dinner.”

He’s in the same spot where you left him, sitting on his bed with a book in his lap. But this time he doesn’t even bother to look at you when you enter the room.

Stepping closer to place the food tray on his table, you inspect his appearance. 

His clothes hang off of his frame, enveloping his skeletal body. You can make out lean muscles on his arms, but his face is sunken and his pants hang low on his hips. There are large black marks scattered across his face, and you can barely see one peeking out from below his sleeve. Were these marks from his Congenital Syphilis? Dark circles sit below his eyes, he looks as though he hasn’t slept in weeks.

He’s wearing the standard issue uniform that all patients wear. A plain t-shirt and pants, made of the same material as scrubs. Though his feet are bare, slippers sitting below the edge of the bed. His hair is long and wavy. Black as midnight, unruly in the way it hangs in front of his face. The top of his hair is half haphazardly tied up.

“Got a problem…?” He rasps, drawing out each word.

The venom of his sour tongue sends a jolt of electricity through your skin. 

“Huh?” you’ve been sitting there staring at him for too long, “O-oh! I’m sorry sir! There’s no problem, please enjoy your dinner,” you quickly rush out of the room.

As you continue on giving food to the rest of your patients, Mr. Shabana’s voice echoes through your skull.

Got a problem…? Got a problem…? Got a problem…?

A few hours later, you go back to retrieve the tray and whatever food may have not been eaten. Stopping yourself before you open the door. It’s ok. He’s just a patient. Then why does he make you so nervous?

*Knock knock*

“Hello Mr. Shabana, I’m just here to collect your tray,” you chime, masking your fear with a smile.

Walking back into the dimly lit room, the fluorescent lights flickering. His eyes staring into you.

His food has been untouched. The only thing that was eaten was a packaged cookie.

“Not hungry today?” your voice shakes as you try to ignore his harsh gaze.

He remains silent. Watching you as you step closer. The buzzing of the fluorescent bulbs filling the room, filling your brain with static.

“Was it not to your liking? I can have the cooks make something else for you if you’d like.”

“...”

Your eyes meet. His thin eyebrows furrow, the rest of his expression remains unchanging. The pressure of his glare makes the air around you feel heavy. Pressing down on you, compressing your spine, you feel so small when he looks at you. You’re desperate to fill the cold aura with some warmth.

“Mr. Shabana you really should eat-”

*CRASH*

He slaps the tray out of your hand, food splattering onto your uniform, dripping onto the floor. 

Silence. You’re stuck staring down at your feet. Watching the pool of meat, vegetables, and milk spread around you. It takes you a few moments to fully process what has just happened, only able to snap out of it when you feel the wetness of the food seeping through your skirt, making you feel cold.

You regret looking up at him. Regret meeting his eyes. Filled with amusement.

“You better clean that up… don’t chu think…?” He smirks. Showing his sharp canines and crooked teeth.

“I-I…” you mumble, looking back down at the mess. He’s right, you should clean it up before it gets everywhere.

Going into the hallway, you grab some towels and return to his room. Not thinking your next actions through as you get down on all fours and start picking up the mess. All you want to do is hurry and clean this up so you can leave. But Mr. Shabana has different plans.

He slowly stands up. Looming over you, looking down on you with a twisted grin. He’s so tall… he makes you feel so small as you look up at him. So pathetic. So worthless.

“You look good down there…” he steps on your hand, “On your knees like a whore…”

His words leave you speechless. Your vision begins to blur and your heart starts to race. He pushes his weight further onto your hand, until you feel a crack.

“I’d like to see you like this more often…” he chuckles, the sound rumbling in his hollow chest.

Every instinct within your body is screaming at you to run. But you feel so trapped. So paralyzed by him. Like a rabbit cornered against a wall by a vicious predator. His eyes. It’s his eyes. No, it's his touch. It’s… everything about him. 

You try to speak up, but your words escape you. Coming out in a pathetic whine that makes his grin widen and his laughter intensify. 

He’s reaching for you. His hand is coming towards your face. Your mind is telling you that if you let him get any closer you will die. He will kill you. And he won’t even care.

Your body is pumped with enough adrenaline for you to break free from the physical and psychological hold he had on you.

Pulling your hand away from under his foot, you push yourself backwards. Stumbling to stand up on your feet. You run out of the room and through the halls, not risking looking back at him. All you hear as you escape is his laughter on repeat. You can’t tell if his laughter is echoing through the halls, or if it has just been ingrained into your mind.

You keep running until you get back to the nurses quarters and to your room. 

Tears running down your cheeks, food staining your clothes, and pain throbbing in your hand. You collapse on the floor and cry.

Why would he be so cruel? You understand that he’s a patient and has a list of mental illnesses, but you were trying to help him! You can’t even remember what you were doing or why you were in his room. All you remember is him and how he made you feel. His stare. His voice. His touch. 

Fuck him and fuck this job.

Clambering over to your desk, you immediately start writing your resignation letter.

You don’t get paid enough for this shit. All you wanted to do is help people, and you get repaid with this? It’s just not worth it. Through your sobs, your tears fall onto the page as you hastily move your pen on the piece of parchment in front of you.

There. It’s done. You’re done.

You won’t have to see this place, see him, ever again once you submit this letter.

Looking around your desk, searching for an envelope. You come across a thick manilla folder. The tab on the side reads, Shabana, Gyutaro.

Something compels you to open it. You already skimmed through his information, but you never looked at everything here.

His psychiatric notes? From his psychiatrist? These shouldn’t be in here… you shouldn’t have access to this confidential information.

But if you’re leaving anyways… then there’s no harm. Right?

Shabana, Gyutaro - Dr. Hantengu

August 14

Childhood trauma starting since birth

Single mother, no father

Raised as a female. Mother would dress patient as a daughter. Would cover up his deformities with makeup. (Feelings of worthlessness, not belonging)

Sister born at age 6 (turning point in patient’s life)

Mother cast aside patient for sister. (When he learned he was actually a boy. Feeling of confusion. Child cannot comprehend)

Sexual abuse started at age 10

Mother was a prostitute, would offer children to adult clients.

 Patient record, “She would bring men into our house… and let them touch us. (long pause) They wanted my sister. They wanted to do bad things to her. So I… (patient gets upset) I would offer myself to them. I would perform sexual acts for them so they would leave Ume (sister) alone.”

Sexual abuse continued until age 15

Mother died of overdose. The children were left in the home for over a week until someone found them.

Children taken to orphanage. 

Patient held in orphanage for 8 months until incident.

Brought to Asylum at age 16

End of first session 

You are left speechless. 

Reading his records reminds you of why you wanted to be a nurse in the first place. To help people that have gone through trauma such as this. He didn’t lash out at you because of something you did. It’s not your fault. And it isn’t his either. He just needs help. 

And you will be the one to help him.

[sunsetsimon]

hi bit of a personal update

cw : cancer (breast cancer) , alcohol usage

hi if you see this :) bit of an explanation on where i’ve been

honestly been going through it mentally recently. i don’t talk about much of my private life but to put it short i’m current in the process of finding out if these lumps that i have in my breast are cancerous. i went through this process before 2 years ago and luckily they were benign. however this time i’ve started to experience swelling, soreness, armpit pain, and even a slight ripple in my nipple. breast cancer runs in my family so even though im young, i try to stay on top of it best that i can before things get worse. currently i’m waiting to get an ultrasound and mammogram so we can see what’s going on and what my next steps will be.

please be aware that anyone with breast tissue can develop cancer, don’t ignore the signs. when you know something is wrong, advocate for yourself or find someone who can.

i’ve been completely consumed by fear recently and been on a major alcohol bender, drinking nearly everyday until im drunk and then my weed usage. obviously not the best coping mechanisms but holy shit guys - this has been terrifying. i cant sleep and have been having nightmares every time i close my eyes.

please send me your best wishes! and once i find out the results, if good, of course ill let you guys know :)

i have 2 very small drafts im trying to get the energy to post so i won’t be leaving yet!!!! trying to stick it out!!!

im thinking my next posts will probably be more domestic things with the boys <3 send me any things you’d think would fit if you get any ideas and ill try to add it in

anyways thank you for continuously supporting me and checking in here and there! miss you all and can’t wait until i can be posting daily again 🥰🥰

[davycoquette]

Writerly Questionnaire

I got tagged back in my own questionnaire (tysm @saturnine-saturneight), so here we go!

By the way, if you see this and feel up to answering it, please do! I’d also love if you tagged me in your response so I can be sure to read it!

Smol trigger warning for mentions of various tough things.

About You

When did you start writing? I’ve been writing since I could hold a pen, quite frankly! As a toddler, I’d draw doodles then scrawl zig zags beneath to represent the “words” of the illustrated story. They became real words as I learned to read. I was never found without a notebook.

Are the genres/themes you enjoy reading different from the ones you write? I read a lot of stuff I don’t think I could ever actually write. My all-time favorite author is Cormac McCarthy, followed by Jane Austen and Jack London. Larry McMurtry is becoming a fast favorite. My stories tend to require less lived experience. I am not well traveled or thoroughly educated, so, while I’m happy to do research, I most often write stuff that requires less expertise. I also write more about gay cowboys than any of the authors named above — at least as far as is publicly known.

Is there an author (or just a fellow writer!) you want to emulate, or one to whom you’re often compared? I have been compared to Chuck Palahniuk, which is enormously flattering (if not deserved!) It’s massively important to me to have my own style/voice, so I don’t want to write like anyone but me… but I would love one day to harness even a modicum of McCarthy’s talent.

Can you tell me a little about your writing space(s)? (Room, coffee shop, desk, etc.) At a desk or coffee shop. The stars must align just so, my mood must be just so, I must have creative juices flowing and absolutely no distractions or particularly strong feelings. (I end up not writing anything more often than not.)

What’s your most effective way to muster up some muse? I wish I knew. Inspiration hits me light a lightning bolt once in a blue moon. Other than that, maladaptive daydreaming watching head movies. Music is an excellent source of muse.

Did the place(s) you grew up in influence the people and places you write about? Absolutely. In a way that reminds me a bit of Donald Ray Pollock, who writes about a pretty bleak and raunchy Appalachia.

Are there any recurring themes in your writing, and if so, do they surprise you at all? Loneliness, self-loathing, self sabotage, addiction in many forms, mental illness, abuse, and suicidal ideation/thoughts/attempts, “taboo” romances (usually sexuality vs time period). Some of these come as a slight surprise; others are no surprise at all.

Your Characters

Would you please tell me about your current favorite character? (Current WIP, past WIP, never used, etc.) It’s Shiloh. I have no idea why. He’s been my favorite since 2018 or 2019. He’s weird as hell but writing him comes effortlessly.

Which of your characters do you think you’d be friends with in real life? Preferably none. They’re kinda awful. In all seriousness, maybe Lou? He’s chill and makes a good listener.

Which of your characters would you dislike the most if you met them? Ruck. We have nothing in common, would have nothing to talk about, and his poor decisions would stress me out. He’s one of my favorite characters I’ve ever written, but I would hate to actually know him.

Tell me about the process of coming up with of one, all, or any of your characters. Just about every one of my favorites started out as a side character meant to garner very little attention. Somehow or another, they demanded to be written — demanded I let their personalities shine. And lo, here they are.

Do you notice any recurring themes/traits among your characters? Mentally ill lonesome addicts.

How do you picture them? (As real people you imagined, as models/actors who exist in real life, as imaginary artwork, as artwork you made or commissioned, anime style, etc.) As real people! Often I’ll pick a model/actor as a template, but they always evolve into a slightly varied appearance from that person in my imagination.

Your Writing

What’s your reason for writing? It feels so compulsory there’s no other option but to write.

Is there a specific comment or type of comment you find particularly motivating coming from your readers? I like when people tell me what they felt when they read my writing. Whether it’s attachment or hatred aimed at a character, or nostalgia, or just feeling like they were there when the scene took place. Anything that shows they absorbed and enjoyed it feels like the hugest compliment.

How do you want to be thought of by those who read your work? (For example: as a literary genius, or as a writer who “gets” the human condition; as a talented worldbuilder, as a role model, etc.) I want people to think, this bitch loves words. She loves writing. She is a writer.

What do you feel is your greatest strength as a writer? Making people feel endeared to the characters. Realistic dialogue. Getting inside a character’s head.

What have you been frequently told your greatest writing strength is by others? Pacing & setting description. Which is awesome, but I always feel like these things are weaknesses of mine? I’m always iffy about them - pacing in particular. I have no idea how to do it, but I’ve been told I do it well. That said, there are definitely things -I- think I do well that get the most negative feedback/criticism.

How do you feel about your own writing? (Answer in whatever way you interpret this question.) Writing is the only thing I feel I do relatively well. I’m certainly not the world’s best, and I don’t think I’m really ready to be published or anything like that - but I am pretty proud of it. It’s the only thing I feel this way about. I want to show it to people. I wanna talk about it. I love to read what I wrote. It feels gross to say that, but I’m making myself say it anyway, lmfao. I love to see other people feel this way vs anxious or self conscious about their writing.

If you were the last person on earth and knew your writing would never be read by another human, would you still write? Yeah, for sure. I don’t know if I’d write as much fiction, because part of the fun is talking with others about it. But I’d still journal, and I would still imagine stories in my mind.

When you write, are you influenced by what others might enjoy reading, or do you write purely what you enjoy? If it’s a mix of the two, which holds the most influence? I hate this question, wtf Davy. It’s a slight mix. I’ll admit a part of me wants validation from others, but a larger part would rather write what she wants to write than turn it into a chore. Doing something just to entertain others is definitely a chore. My writing is heavily self-indulgent and I think it may suffer a little from that - but it also means when people enjoy it, they enjoy it more. I think it’s the same for any writer who does it this way. When I belonged to a huge online critique group, I edited the life out of a novel I was working on and made it less enjoyable to its biggest fans while trying to net a larger audience. I now know that was a huge mistake, because having a tiny group of people who eat your shit up is way better than having a ton of people read it, approve of it, but ultimately forget it existed because it wasn’t memorable.

[oleander-in-drag]

One aspect of TERF ideology that I want to point out is the mentality of blaming an individual for a systemic issue. This is a prominent idea throughout white feminism overall, of which TERF ideology is simply another sub sector, and I’m sure a lot of people are already aware of it, but I still wanted to mention a few particular examples.

One thing that triggered this post was an argument I saw about how trans women shouldn’t have access to mammograms because they’re taking them away from cis women who “actually” need it (which is a more polite version of what TERFs really say, which is that trans women “want” breast cancer in order to feel like a woman (and I don’t think I have to explain why this is vile towards both trans women and cis women)). Not only is this just unhinged levels stupidity, as everyone— including cis men— have the potential to develop breast cancer, it also perfectly encapsulates the problem with TERF “activism”.

I’m going to specifically talk within the context of the UK, because most TERFs hail from here (there’s a historical reason for this that I could talk about in another post if anyone’s interested), and this particular argument is really dependent on the NHS. For those who don’t know the current state of the NHS, there is a huge issue right now with funding and staffing our healthcare system, to the point where waiting times have genuinely become death sentences. Many people are unable to access proper healthcare in time for that healthcare to actually work, and a huge number of people are at risk of dying or becoming seriously ill before appointments can even be fitted in. This is certainly a problem amongst cancer patients, so yes… there is a conversation to be had about people’s fears over not having access to life-saving treatments or preventative measures such as mammograms.

The problem is, though, is that this is a systemic issue. This is not the fault of trans people, who already make up such a small number of the population in the first place, especially when those trans people also need access to this healthcare. When trans women take oestrogen, there is an increased risk of them developing breast cancer, so they need to have access to mammograms in the same way that cis women do. Just because you don’t like something, doesn’t mean it’s not factually correct. Just because you don’t like the idea that trans women also have an increased risk of breast cancer, doesn’t mean you can just pretend it doesn’t exist and deny them access to cancer treatment.

The real problem is that we shouldn’t have to prioritise people when it comes to healthcare. We shouldn’t have to worry about mammogram appointments running out and therefore decide who’s “more” worthy to get them, because all that’s doing is maintaining an already dystopian reality. The real fight should be ensuring that the NHS has enough funding to allow proper access to whatever healthcare anyone needs, regardless of gender.

And the more you start implementing the “blaming an individual rather than a system” lens to TERF talking points, you start seeing it everywhere.

When they talk about women’s sports, it’s only about keeping trans women out of it. It’s never about fighting for equal funding and coverage of women’s teams compared to men’s teams, or making sure that female athletes are treated with dignity and respect. If anything, what TERFs are campaigning for is militant gender and sex policing that has historically harmed women athletes (especially women of colour and intersex women) for decades, and leads to the oppression of women’s achievements, careers and livelihoods. This is a whole topic for another post, though, especially since it focuses far more on the very real, physical effects that TERF ideology is having— and has had— on intersex people, and I don’t want to just throw intersex issues in as a flippant discussion point for a different subject, but just know that what TERFs are proposing is already causing a lot of damage to a lot of women and intersex people. Just look up Annet Negesa and what she was forced to go through due to having an intersex condition. Her career was ruined. Her body was ruined. Her privacy, dignity and trust was utterly violated, and yet she is an example of what TERFs (the so-called protectors of women’s bodies) are trying to uphold when it comes to women’s sports.

(For more information, I suggest watching this video as a good starting point. It really explains the entire problem with how TERFs view women’s sports, the harm that they’re causing, and how intersex people especially are being harmed by TERF ideology:

~~ This also leads to their obsession with trans women in women’s prisons, for example, and accusing the occasional trans inmate as the sole cause for any and all sexual assaults. Because of course, we all know that ordinarily, women’s prisons are a haven and sanctuary for female sexuality, rather than a very dangerous place that contains systemic issues of power imbalances and corruption /sar. We always talk about a single trans woman, and never about sexual assaults committed by guards or other cis inmates, because TERFs never want to admit that cis women are also capable of sexual violence against other women. Instead of fighting for changes within the prison system to ensure that all inmates (in both male and female prisons) are protected from sexual assault and harassment, they distract the real issue onto trans people in order to maintain the status quo (which is— again— a common theme among white feminism in order to ultimately uphold whiteness as superior; see the section on women’s sports and also, for those of you who enjoy reading, the book “White Feminism” by Koa Beck). This would include implementing proper guard systems that aren’t corrupt enough to turn a blind eye to sexual assaults within prison cells, or ensuring that inmates have their rights intact despite incarceration. Yet, no TERF ever really talks about this.

In fact, in the UK alone, a main issue facing the majority of (working class, but also some middle class) women is poverty and the cost of living crisis. A lot of women (and other marginalised genders) are more vulnerable to this, due to lower wages or less job opportunities or a lack of stable childcare. Most women aren’t going to care about whether a trans woman is in a public bathroom when so many are choosing whether to heat their houses or feed their kids, and yet TERFs are supporting MPs like Kemi Badenoch (who has LITERALLY called the current maternity pay as “excessive”) simply because she agrees with them on banning trans women from female-only spaces.

At this point, we all know that TERFs aren’t really pretending to be feminist anymore, but I know that there are still women out there who believe that this movement is— in some capacity— pro-woman. It’s not. It’s a hate movement that tends to prey on women and girls who have been through traumatic experiences, and offer them an outlet to shift their blame somewhere other than the white men in power. It’s easier to fight a marginalised group of 1% of the population than the 50% in power.

But remember that nothing TERFs are doing is radical. They’re just another sub sector of white feminism and an off shoot of lesbian separatism, both of which work to maintain whiteness and heterosexuality at the top of the pecking order. They can pretend they’re fighting for the rights of lesbians all they want, but they don’t care about the fact that queer women are most at risk of poverty, or that butch lesbians (especially those of colour) are at risk of being targeted in female spaces for not fitting into the feminine “ideal” that TERFs have put on society, and queer women (bisexual, pansexual etc.) are erased entirely. They also diminish any abuse that lesbians and queer women face at the hands of cis women partners, as this doesn’t fit into their worldview of exclusively male perpetrators of violence, and refuse to acknowledge that a lot of domestic abuse cases come from within family units. Half of the current, straight TERFs that you see nowadays would have been part of the lesbian separatist movement during the 70s. The parallels are undeniable; they’ve just chosen a new target.

Lastly, the idea of splitting society into “man” or “woman” is not possible. They say it’s basic biology, but biology is still a science. It does not differ from chemistry or physics in the sense that it is incredibly complex and forever evolving. “XX” and “XY” are the simplest explanations for a far wider picture, that you only really learn when you actually do get past grade 1 biology. The problem is, when we stick to these fixed categories, we inevitably cause irreparable harm to the people who can’t and don’t fit into them. Even amongst TERFs, there will be many women who don’t even realise that they don’t fit into this “XX” and “XY” ideal, because that’s just not how human beings work. We’re far too complex for that. And yet the goal posts are constantly changing, to the point where even JK Rowling sometimes get accused of being a man by crazy transvestigators because… I dunno, her bone structure doesn’t look feminine enough?

The TERF movement will eat itself alive. It is not possible to categorise women in the way that TERFs do, and I can guarantee that the ideology will one day collapse in on itself.

Until then, combat it by researching and fighting for the real issues that face marginalised genders and disengaging from any TERF who tries to trap you in a bullshit debate about semantics. Any valid issue that they may bring up (reproductive rights, sexual violence etc.) can be campaigned about without the need to hurt trans people, because there is not a single group of people out there who are inherently harmful to another. It is always the systems, laws, teachings and governments in place that cause the harm, and these are what need to be dismantled. TERFs will never do that. They don’t want to dismantle them.

Trans people are never the cause for any of these issues. In fact, we’re usually the ones who are most affected by them, and therefore we are just as much a part of this fight for a more equal future than anyone else.

Ignore TERFs. Don’t get drawn in by them. I’ve come across a few people on this site who genuinely fell into the movement with good intentions, and these are the people I’m directing this at. There’s no light at the end of the TERF tunnel. JK Rowling is not your saviour.

[berylcups]

COULD YOU PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO EITHER A RIZZOTTO with new y/n La squad goals member who is happy go lucky (annoyingly so & loud) and does their best to make everyone happy but is actually very insecure because they have a history of mental abuse and is scared to let people down or have them be mean to them. So they always pretend everything is alright for others sake. 2 maybe, New la squad up member who has a chronic illness but works from the nave because they have a remote stand. And has a lot of days where they try to avoid people and go in and out of their room purposely when no one is around because they don’t want the others to think of them as week when they know they already do from over hearing conversations specifically from Prosciutto. When they accidentally walk into a room when everyone is there and ya know classic turn around their behind me aren’t they troupe and he doesn’t apologize and just states it again infront of them (for like the third time they have herd him say it). They say nothing stand there with tears because this was infront of the whole crew. And then the next day they move out of bace and just do operations from a new remote location because they where such a bother. And ya know no one leaves the mafia without.. . So they just use text or voice chat like before just they don’t talk or use voice to text. Or just type. Ovi x Prosciutto. But I want to see this man get vonerable. And maybe some praise and compliments. Basically he misses them realizes he said this stuff because he couldn’t admit his feelings yatta yatta. And basically big boys up to get them to move back and admit he was wrong. And maybe Pesci says he’s wrong infront of the crew and nocks some sence into him.

Gachhaio (whatever however you type it lol) is paired up with a new member who is skiddish. To loud noises. A suffer to verbal abuse in the past. And it gives them PTSD. Comfort

And last potential one, idk if you write for Pesci alot of people don’t. He is a sweet boy. 🥺 but maybe same new member situation. But y/n is kinda… an air head. With an hour glass figure but chubby for sure. And insecure about it. So when the others hit on her they think they are making fun especially when they are out and Illusio makes a comment about their weight when eating. After he’s tired of hearing Formaggio hit on y/n even through it’s not getting through to them. And for once Pesci stands up to someone(him lol) and says he’s just jealous he can’t get someone as beautiful or something. And than the guys all tease him after that. But y/n thanks him and starts to like him. But what he was saying about Illusio was actually a self reflection. And y/n catches him um… stealing underwear one day. Praise and pervert kink ig idk.

Anyways those are some ideas idk you don’t have to use them lol but I thought it would be cool lol. All Yandere tho please is you use one or all or none idk LMAO 😭 sorry if these where too long or detailed 😭😭😭 it’s been a long day and I’m high lol girl just knows what they want 😭😭😭

Yandere Ghiaccio x Abused! Reader

Hey there! Sorry it took me forever to answer this! I was just trying to figure where to start with what I wanted to do with this! Don’t be sorry, details can be helpful! But I try to do 1 ask at a time since my ADHD brain can only handle that much at a time 😅. ADHD brain go brrrr 🫨

For this ask, I opted to do a yandere ghiaccio x emotionally abused/abandonment issue reader if that’s okay- I figured that would work best with my current skillset since theres a broad spectrum of ptsd symptoms. At least that’s how I have had dealt with it first hand. Either way I hope this is something that you were looking for and I hope you can get some enjoyment out of it! 🥺

Tw: physical abuse, mental abuse, abandonment issues, drugging, kidnapping, hypothermia, unalive mention, SA (mentioned only)

Notes: this gets pretty sad with lots of feels but ends with comfort…. Oh and yandere tropes . Please heed the TWs before reading if you’re in a sad place, your mental health is more important!💜 Beryl

“ Who do you wanna live with y/n-baby? Me and step daddy? Or your deadbeat real dad?” Y/N’s mother chirped as she was going through her belongings to put into another cardboard box. They were moving from _____ all the way to Morioh Japan.

“Uh um…” Y/N had to think about it for a moment. Her mom is blissfully unaware that her stepfather is abusive to her, even though the bruises couldn’t be more obvious. She rubs the sore flesh on her small wrist. “I think I want… to stay with Daddy.”

———-

“Woah kiddo! You wanna stay with ME??? You know I travel a lot and you won’t be able to settle down in a real home like your moms! Besides, what about getting a stable education and group of friends?” He nearly choked to death on his Vietnamese coffee . “Shit I don’t wanna be responsible for Y/N! I kill for a living and they’re gonna get in the way of that!”

Y/N rolls up their sleeves and shows the bruises the stepfather inflicted on them. “ Daddy please… I don’t want to be hit anymore.”

For once in this selfish man’s life, it tugged on his heart strings seeing the deep purple bruises decorate their body. “I guess I have no choice. They’re going to be miserable living under their roof.”

“Alright kiddo… you can come with me.”

They visited places all over the world. Surfing from hotel to hotel.Bangkok, Dandong, Vladivostok, Prague, Abu Dhabi, Paris, and many many others… until they settled into Italy.

———-

For the past 7 years they were in a boarding school

in Italy. Their father saved up some to send them there to get some sense of normalcy. They met after every assignment he had. He was going to be there for their school graduation but… they waited and waited. He never came. No letters, no phone calls, no nothing. Did he move on to a better life without them? Or due to the line of work…did he die? Y/N was devastated. Either way meant heartbreak and Y/N didn’t have the heart to find the answer for closure. A gaping wound that could never heal.

Fast forward to now- Y/N with nowhere left to turn. They join Passione in hopes of making a decent living. They felt their lives were already ruined so what’s there to lose in joining a crime syndicate?

————

So how did it end up like this? Y/N alone in a basement. No windows , no light, no heat. The only thing covering them was their sleeveless top and a pair of shorts. Y/N tried curl up to maintain body heat but a pair of cuffs prevented them from doing so.

“Where am I? What happened?” The thoughts echoed in Y/Ns mind. Then above them they hear footsteps, then the turn of a door knob. The bright light bleeding through the door burns Y/Ns eyes as they squint as they hear someone walking down the steps. From the brief glimpse their silhouette looked very familiar…and then their heart sunk when they heard the voice.

“Well it’s about time you woke up. You really kept me waiting, you know?”

It was Ghiaccio. Their friend, their teammate, the one who they trusted their life with. He kidnapped them.

“Ghiaccio… why?” They said through chattering teeth.

“Why?! What do you mean WHY??? You wouldn’t move in with me! That’s why!” He raised his voice as he took offense to their question.

That’s where the memories began flooding back… They invited him over to discuss their next mission together. They both wanted to be prepared for this particular stand user.

————-

Y/N stood in front of the kitchenette waiting for the kettle to heat up.

Ghiaccio sat on her futon bed watching them as they swayed their hips from side to side, and humming to some unknown tune. It seemed to put him in a trance.

“How many sugars do you want Ghia?” Y/N asked.

Ghiaccio snapped out of it. “ Oh! Uh… 1 is fine.”

“Okay~! 1 sugar for you, and 3 sugars for me!” They poured the tea into 2 equal sized mugs and sat it down on a fold out table in front of him. “ here you go, just the way you like it Ghia ~”

“ thanks… uh. Y/N… doesn’t this place make you feel a bit claustrophobic?” Ghiaccio probed.

“ well it’s not the nicest place but it’s all I can really afford y’know? Especially since the boss is being extra cheap and cutting our pay, I really don’t have a choice.” Y/N said as they blew on their tea to cool it down.

A commotion could be heard from the floor above. It sounds like an argument between a hooker and a pimp.

“ what the hell is that?” Ghiaccio barked .

“ oh calm down. It’s just the neighbors from up stairs. It’s not a big deal.” Y/N said unbothered by the additional noise .

“Y/N look- don’t take this the wrong way but… this place is a fucking dump! This is no place for an AFAB like you!” Ghiaccio confessed bluntly.

“Ugh, again with the way I live. Do we have to always criticize me and my life?! First my accent is too thick, I have poor grammar, now I dress like a slut, or I don’t assimilate to Italian culture, NOW I live in squalor to you?! Is nothing ever good enough for you Ghiaccio?!” Y/N snapped.

“ What?! I said nothing about any of those things! Yes they need improvement but that’s not what I’m talking about right now! I just want you to be somewhere safe! I demand you come move in with me!” He yelled back.

“Move in with YOU??? No way! Not with the way you criticize me! After the way you’ve been treating me lately I wanna be as far from you as possible! Look…I’m gonna take a minute to cool down and freshen up in the bathroom to collect my thoughts kay?”

“Ugh fine. Whatever.” He responded coolly not wanting to escalate the situation further.

“This is unacceptable. They can’t live like this!” Ghiaccio thought angrily. He looked around the small apartment and saw outdated amenities, hand me down furniture and a sad excuse for a bed that he was sitting on that doubled as a couch. The futon was so flattened he could feel the support beams dig straight into his ass! Not to mention the tea tastes like shit! The poor thing can’t get even a nice box of loose leaf tea! What the fuck!

Her tea is unattended and he remembers the sedative he got from Melone. “ Here’s this in case you decide you want to get closer with Y/N.” Melone winked.

He was pissed at the time that he would even dare think that he should drug them! But now…maybe it’s his chance to get what he’s always wanted, and to give them a REAL home . He took the tablet out from his wallet, out of the wrapper and dropped it right into their drink.

“ Are we done arguing about my living situation now? ” Y/N huffed as they came back out folding their arms defensively.

“Look Y/N. You know I’m only looking out for you. I’ll drop it, I know sometimes I can be too harsh.”

Y/N took a sip of their tea and smiled. “Thanks Ghia. I know you mean well. Let’s just pretend this argument never happened and let’s have a good day.”

The whole night seem to become a blur. The last thing they remember is Ghiaccio saying something that he wanted to get off his chest. And then, nothing…

———-

“Gh-Ghiaccio… I have a h-home. I invited you over…rree-remember?” Y/N stuttered from fear and the sudden temperature drop.

“ You call that dingy little studio apartment a home?! No way! I told you that you shouldn’t live there! And it’s in the shitty side of town! What if you get robbed?! Or raped?! Or even worse, killed?!” He questioned ignoring the complete irony that he literally drugged and kidnapped them.

The cold was getting too much to bear. The goosebumps littered the entirety of Y/N skin, and the pain radiated in their hands and feet. They were starting to lose dexterity. Hypothermia was beginning to set in.

“Please Ghiaccio…. Please Stop using white album . I’ll do whatever you say- I’m - I’m ju-just so c-c-cold… I can’t feel my fingers or my toes…”

“I can’t let you leave. You clearly don’t know what’s good for you. You’re so goddamn dense Y/N! Don’t you know that I’ve been looking out for you all this time? I can’t live without you!” He stomped his foot out of frustration.

“I know… and I’m sorry… but Ghiaccio you know I have trouble trusting people right ? You’ll just get tired of me and toss me aside.” They wept.

“ you have the audacity to think I will get TIRED OF YOU ?! For fucks sake Y/N! I’m goddamn obsessed with you!” He couldn’t believe that they were doubting his love. If this wasn’t the very being of his affection he’d strangle them right now.

“Who’s the one who drives you everywhere? Who’s the one who’s always with you on missions? Who’s the one who always makes sure you get home safe? Who’s the one who stands up for you when the guys are being assholes??? All me! You think that’s all just a coincidence? That I’m doing it as just as a friend? Fuck no! I do it because I love you dammit!” He yelled.

His rage just made the room get even colder. Y/N definitely couldn’t feel their hands, they tried to make a fist out of frustration but their hand barely moved. They started to hyperventilate a fog. The tears were slowly starting to solidify on their cheeks.

“Ghiaccio you don’t get it! You dumbass!” They cried from frustration. “My mother never wanted me…My father never wanted me…the people who I thought were my friends didn’t want me, so who the hell wants me??? I don’t even want me! How can I believe you would want me?! It just feels like a sick joke!” They sobbed.

For once in his life, he was at a loss for words. He felt like someone hit him hard in the gut. He knew about their background but didn’t know they felt so low that they didn’t believe that they were going to ever be loved.

“Y/N…Don’t say shit like that.” His voice toned down to almost a whisper. He got down on their level and his features softened as he wiped away the tears.

“ Don’t you know what it feels like to not be loved? I’ve been abandoned and left to fend for myself. I thought about ending my life so many times. But I always push it off another day…in hopes that you’ll change my mind. You always do when we talk. Hehe… when you complain about English and other things it makes me forget about how lonely I am.” Y/N confessed.

“I’m glad you chose to stay. And I want you to stay here. With me. I will go crazy without you.” He hugged them hard, nuzzling his head into their neck.

He felt like he was made of fire, he was so warm. They nuzzled back, returning the affection.

“Can you stop your stand and uncuff me now? I promise I’ll stay.” Y/N pleaded.

He thought about it for a minute as the cold dissipated. “Hmm… okay. As long as you stay here. This is your home now. Anything you need I’ll get it for you. I’m gonna be your provider.” He gave his conditions as he uncuffed them.

“Okay Ghia. It’s set in stone. This is my home now.” They hugged him and kissed him on the cheek.

Feeling their cool lips brush up against his cheek caused all the blood flow to go straight to his face.

“Let’s go upstairs and get you warmed up.” He grabbed their hand gently and guided them upstairs to the bedroom where all the comfy blankets were to warm themselves.

“Your room looks so cozy…and messy. Hehe.” Y/N giggled looking at the unmade bed and articles of clothing tossed around the room.

“Uh yeah… I like to keep my house neat but I never bother with my bedroom because I’m the only one who is ever in here. But now that you’re here I should start cleaning up.” He muttered as he scratched the back of his head from embarrassment.

“It’s not a big deal. I can clean up after the both of us. It’s just laundry.” Y/N smiled as they sat down on the bed. “Uh… will you hold me to help me warm back up? My hands and feet stopped hurting but I still have goosebumps…”

“Yeah.” He laid down behind them and nervously wrapped his arms around them. “This help?”

“Yeah. A lot, you’re really warm.” Y/N scooted in closer and closed the gap between them.

“…” they couldn’t look from behind but his face was as red as his glasses. He nuzzled his face into their hair and neck. “I hope you will feel at home here soon. I know it’s not the way that I should have brought you here but I just couldn’t stand seeing you struggle so bad. You’re good at lying and pretending everything is okay and I know when you’re not. You lose the light in your eyes.” He hugged hard like he was afraid of losing them.

“I know… but you know me. Probably more than I know myself. I’m headstrong and never like saying I need help.”

“This is the first time in forever I feel like I’m home. My father used to tell me that the world is our home and there’s so much to look forward to. That used to comfort me…but only for a little. The boarding school was nice but I was the only ____ so it felt kinda lonely. But being in here with you makes me feel a way I never felt before. I feel so safe and fuzzy…especially in your arms. And I know… I can’t take it for granted. Our work makes our future uncertain. So that’s why I’m going to cherish each moment I have with you. All we can do is live each day to the fullest.”

“Good. I’m glad. Because I don’t want to ever lose you. If any bastard even tries to come near you I’m gonna freeze them to death.” He said while yawning.

“Aw you’re making me sleepy… and don’t worry, I only have eyes for you Ghia.” Y/N yawned back.

“Go to sleep Y/N. It’s almost midnight anyway. I’m tired too. If any of the guys tries to bother us now that we’re together… I’m not going hesitate to deck them in the face. Well, good night Y/N.” He pulled the duvet over each other.

“Nighty night Ghia.”

[wackyscreamswithraisin]

Indefinite Hiatus and Clearing the air BIG TW ON //PERSONAL

Before I say anything this is the fanfic summary: It’s/ it was revolving around Raisin and Malcom (and Hamilton) from the Smart Talk With Raisin short, somehow stealing a meta cartoon remote from the, inaccessible to them; Cartoon Network ‘toonworld’ (like when you see the characters crossover in CN bumpers). They’d watch Courage the Cowardly Dog on their tv in their room like a comfort, but with the remote they start meddling with the character’s awareness of meta for entertainment - and when Barbara accidentally fuses with a glitched artefact, she is unable to be reverted to normal and she breaks the constructs of her own minor characterdom to try and track them down. The fic idea has changed a lot over the years but that’s what it (currently) has changed to. It’s rather Pibby adjacent and would focus on a lot of what’s changed about cartoons between every half decade - yeah it’s very complicated and over the top lol.

I know y’all are sick of me making these long ass walls of texts instead of proper content and I’m really sorry I keep pulling this 💀. I was going to make a nicer pinned posts] of explanation but since this blog is in a confusing place at the moment I just decided to do it quick instead so I don’t put it off.

For those who don’t want to read the full thing: TLDR,

1. I have personal attachment to Fred that has probably affected my judgement

2. My thoughts on Fred as schizophrenic rep is certainly not universal and the partial embarrassment about writing content revolving around him continues to catch up with me

3. The related problems below are reason why I have been so adverse to seeing Fred as being a r-pist m—-ster or SA’er

And 4. I’m starting to accept that it’s not that deep if my fanfic never gets told. Even if it would make me happy, it’s not the end of my work or me if I don’t. Nevertheless I hope you all understand and I’m sorry for any disappointment.

On the personal issue: First, bc some might not know, I am mentally ill and have had a vague diagnosis of psychosis for years that was never fully decided and that I understand now and abridge as ‘schizopsec’, but follows all the traits of OSDD 1B, enough that I tend to use both terms. ‘Fred’ is one of my alters - he’s my main ISH (internal self helper), caretaker, and fictive (fictional introject), and he has been for around 10 years. This is not a joke. This is as cringe as it sounds, even worse in real life when he fronts of course, and is embarrassing for me to admit even when I attach this post to my main blog where I share schizospec upliftment posts. It’s a complicated and excruciating subject matter for many many reasons, and it’s important that I clarify this, even though it’s uncomfortable for me, since this naturally affects my ability of separating Fred the alter from Freaky Fred in my writing and art. This is part of why I have to keep scrutinising my writing drafts. I believe I can keep them separate, but this is part of the reason why I guess my attachment for him and making content to do with him is there at all.

My thoughts on Freaky Fred in episode : As a schizospec, putting the alter aside, schizophrenic representation means the world and the moon and the stars to me, even when it’s bad. I can’t tell if this is an agreeable opinion amongst other schizospec/ psychotic people, but even damaging and dangerous rep involving homicidality like the axe crazy maniacs have something of catharsis in their rises and falls that I can appreciate, depending. Sexually depraved and violent rep however, crosses a line; obviously schizo killers in fiction are heavily drenched in misinformed stigma and is mostly bullshit and can be dangerous- we are dramatically far more likely to hurt ourselves or be hurt - but I think most people would agree that sexual violence is a different evil altogether, and I cannot stand to see the marginalised mentally ill conflated with such horrendous shit.

There’s the problem. I think Fred is a schizophrenic; other than him getting the equivalent to straightjacketed at the end and taken to presumably some asylum or how he narrates/ talks/rhymes in his own head and otherwise barely talks just disjointedly - he’s got that classic 90s-00s cartoon crazy grin and is instilling fear in the viewer through said unbalancedness,his whole deal is very ‘of its time’ on displaying scary madness. And, all that being said, even though he’s clearly not good rep by any stretch of the imagination, he doesn’t harm anyone - he’s even ‘nice’ - or at least doesn’t seem to be blatantly malicious. The bar is on the floor, but that’s already better than idk William Afton or something.

Fred as a predator: The point of view of Fred as a metaphorical molester is pretty obvious and is a popular opinion, and it would be dishonest to say I don’t completely see it, especially with how he says naughty - the implication steers more into the sexual predator area. Hair shaving isn’t violent as much as taking something away - subtracting, and this can be interpreted in a murderous or SA fashion, but the murderous interpretation I stick with, one akin to Sweeney Todd, is a very flattering view of it and I know it. It’s easy to see how it comes off fetishistic which favours an SA view and is naturally the reason why a lot of people see it as rapey.

The episode as a metaphor for SA or CSA enabled in a household that turns the other way is popular, and at first I didn’t like this theory because it felt like a dark theory made almost to tarnish child content with a deeper or darker meaning, which I had seen a lot elsewhere. But this wasn’t really honest; ‘The Mask’ works well as an episode with no subtext but is respected moreso as an episode clearly about domestic abuse and misandry born from trauma. ‘Freaky Fred’ can also be this.

I think the well and honest truth for me is, even when I do everything I can to touch grass, and remove my personal connection to the character/ the idea of him through the alter, away from the conversation; I really don’t want Fred to be a schizophrenic and a sexual predator character at the same time, and I cannot remove my view of him as the first one, but I have to admit that, in some ways, both was intended for him and this episode in some variation. It’s pretty upsetting to think about; I know a majority audience isn’t going to be that invested in the representation of mad people, especially not in cartoon antagonists, but it matters a lot to me. Obviously it would still be bad if he wasn’t a crazy character and it would still be scary and awful if he acted more ‘normal’, but that craziness is there and the combination feels particularly wretched because, once again, schizophrenics are far more likely to be victimised.

What I’m trying to say with all this; Fred is a mad character who despite being the most offputting and scary character I’ve ever seen in my life, managed to become irremovable from my psyche for almost my whole life, for better and for worse, and in some small way, seeing him as so scary and uncomfortable, but equally ‘good-willed’ and harmless by technicality in that episode, made me feel a little less alone. But people who have been yucked out by this blog and this fixation as I said before are fully in their right, and I am taking a step back to consider if I want to continue with making stuff to do with Fred or not.

The fanfic?: I still think about the story a lot but as you can probably tell I’ve made it very convoluted by involving a meta narrative, and as I’m just about to head into university by the time I’m writing this, it’s difficult to tell what will come of this. I will let you all know, but it’s in a continuous grey area and I don’t want anyone to get their hopes up. I’m sorry.

Will I still post art?: Maybe haha, I never know how to feel when I post it. Sometimes I worry it gives off the impression that I ship post-shaving incident Barbred (I don’t) or that I endorse Fred’s ‘freakiness’ at all. And sometimes I think it just looks bad, as in not a good recreation of the ctcd art style, or too sad - like idk why I think the audience is just going to understand these alarmingly emotional pieces when I’ve been pretty scarce on context, I apologise for everyone’s who’s gotten tonal whiplash scrolling. Fred art may come up elsewhere on my other blog which I will reblog here if I think it’s appropriate.

If you read all the way thank you so much💚, I hope you get what I’m saying, and if you don’t I understand. Consider following my main zebedeezing if you want somewhere I post more often though non ctcd related.

[star-anise]

Riffing off of your recent post about Jordan Peterson, what IS the difference between counselling psychology and clinical psychology? I know it’s possible to get a PhD in either, but I’m fuzzy about the differences in approach.

My current therapist is a psychiatrist who is working with me on meds and also with Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) talk therapy. I’m perfectly happy with him, but if he ever got hit by a bus or something (or simply retired at some point), I’d be in the market for a new therapist. So I ought to know the difference between clinical psychologists and counselling psychologists.

Thank you.

In practical terms, on the client end, there's very little difference. The real divisions you need to know are:

Psychiatrist: Someone who went to medical school and specialized in psychiatry; can diagnose and prescribe medication. Usually designated MD.

Psychologist/Therapist/Counsellor: Someone who has gone to graduate school and focused on psychology or clinical social work; can sometimes diagnose, but usually cannot prescribe medication.

Psychiatrists do sometimes do talk therapy! I had a psychiatrist like that once. He was great. Sadly, this is mostly going out of fashion. Because they have so much extra training, they get higher salaries; administrators who care about increasing efficiency and cutting costs will therefore change them from seeing a patient for an hour each, to seeing a patient for only 15 minutes to talk about medication, and shunt the clients to cheaper therapists for talk therapy.

Within the field of psychologists/therapists /counselors, there are approximately eleventy squillion different variations in education format, theoretical basis, research background, and bragging rights. That's where the Counselling vs Clinical division lives. However, all the fields have similar aims (helping people reduce distress and become more healthy) and similar approaches (sit in a room and talk) and they freely poach any techniques or knowledge from each other that seem useful, so there's very little intrinsic difference that you would see.

The one big difference you would see is if you needed a formal diagnosis, more than just the person who treats you going, "Yeah, looks like [fill in the blank]". This is usually only needed if you're applying to something specific, like government benefits or special education accommodations. Assessment psychologists/neuropsychologists mostly tend to focus only on assessment, which is a whole different field in itself. Because of their expertise, and that someone who provides psychotherapy with you might be somewhat biased with their own ideas of what your deal is, formal assessments are generally done by someone who is not your therapist.

Anyway. The big difference between counselling and clinical psychology is basically historical. Clinical psychologists historically descend from the workers in hospitals, asylums, and mental health clinics, who focused on people with acute mental illnesses. They worked closely with psychiatrists and emulated psychiatry's popular methods at the time (mostly Freudian psychoanalysis) and focused specifically on treating mental health as a disease. This has generally been seen as a relatively more factual and sciencey field, since it's where a lot of the research on abnormal psychology and how to treat it has happened.

Counselling psychology, meanwhile, descends historically from pastors and school counsellors—people in churches or schools with "normal populations" who were the obvious go-to people for those in emotional distress or uncertainty about their lives. Counselling focused on training people who needed the skills to help somebody grieving the loss of a loved one, or who needed to figure out what they wanted to do with their lives. It has generally thus been seen as a fuzzier, less rigorous field, and less prestigious. It's also closely entangled with Social Work, which grew out of many of the same settings and focused on helping ease the lives of people affected by society's many ills.

But they were all of them decieved, for another Ring was made—

Counselling as a field got significantly transformed by Carl Rogers, who used scientific research to see what kinds of therapy approaches helped people—and to the shock and horror of many many people, the warm and gentle approaches used in Counselling and Social Work turned out to work better than Freudian impassivity—even in Clinical populations!

Because see, the division between these fields was based on a misapprehension. A hundred years ago, or even fifty, we thought that these fields focused on significantly different groups, and it turns out that's not really true. Freudian psychotherapy in its failure state was all about impersonal disconnection, pointing out the flaws and foibles of somebody's psyche and expecting them to fix it. Using Rogers' method of treating mentally ill people like human beings, looking them face-to-face and believing in their ability to better themselves as people, actually worked! Amazing!

And also, a lot of people with mental illnesses are really good at masking, compensating, and functioning as normal enough to avoid general detection and referral to medical treatment. Anyone dealing with the "general population" is inevitably going to deal with people with profound levels of depression, anxiety, psychosis, addiction, and every other mental disorder under the sun.

Therefore, anybody practicing in either field had to learn about both, because each required the skills the other had. These days, the difference is generally more about who your grad school was founded by fifty or a hundred years ago than your training recently. Counsellors get hired by mental hospitals, and clinical psychologists work in schools.

The differences still linger in little ways, like how in the Canadian Psychological Association, there are different "sections" that each organize their own newsletters and social media groups and parties during conferences. They discuss new research and issues relating to their areas of practice. Most people belong to three or four each, since they overlap—there's Counseling and Clinical, sure, but also Black Psychology, History and Philosophy, Psychology in the Military, and so on.

So I am mostly being petty and flippant when I say I'm glad not to be on the Clinical listserv, where there is, I imagine, a "Jordan Petetson is Making us Look Bad" Quarantine Thread, which will be locked after 9000 replies with no resolution in sight.

Anyway, that's all inside baseball and not useful to you. Onto the useful stuff.

Full disclosure: What I'm about to say may be unconsciously biased by my perspective, despite my efforts not to be so, because my Master's degree in Counseling means I have significantly less professional prestige than psychologists with doctorates, especially in Clinical Psychology. However, I earnestly believe that I am paying attention to the science and speaking the truth here.

All the best evidence states that what level of education someone has, what school they learned it in, and what therapeutic technique they are applying are not good predictors for whether therapy with them will help you.

And yet, therapy undeniably does work. It's just that, for all our trying, we still struggle to put our fingers on precisely what the difference is.

You are actually in the best position to predict success, because the best metric we can find is whether you, personally, feel that your counsellor is listening to you, understands and cares about you, and is helping you reach your goals. That's literally the most important thing. Does this counsellor seem like someone you could work with?

This means it's actively useful to provide feedback as you go, like, "I don't like that idea, what if I did it this way instead?" or "No, I think you're mistaken," or "I'm uncomfortable with this." Part of counselling is absolutely about sitting with discomfort and figuring out how to handle tough stuff, but your therapist should be someone you can at least discuss the whys and wherefores of the process with. They're a navigator on a journey with you, not a commander telling you where to march.

[iciatheguardess]

Hiiii it’s meeee elsie

conflicted Elsie

Look, you know as well as I do that I love TAOCC to freaking death

but like

I may have to partially step away from it after the current arcs are over.

these goofy goobers took over my life for the last three-ish months, and while I’ve had an amazing time, it’s…caused me to neglect other parts of my life, and restrict myself more than I should when it comes to how I am on this site. I’ve stated my intention to try and branch out multiple times but I never go through with it because I just…I have things to write here! I can’t! And yeah it’s fun but sometimes I get hurt even if people don’t mean to, like, I’ve gotten legitimately ill from this once or twice.

But I feel like even trying to step away a bit is somehow abandoning all of you or betraying your trusts. I want to stay friends with you guys, but my actual life and Irlsie has to come first most of the time, because I am not JUST Elsie, if that makes any sense. Elsewhere is and was always meant to be a sona for some interaction, maybe some friendos, but nothing this…involved, because I can’t put all of my social effort onto the internet because no matter what I do, the internet is not a completely genuine place, and I’ve accepted that. There are some parts of my personality I just don’t use. You don’t really ever see calm Elsie or mental illness Elsie or sappy Elsie, maybe once or twice, and that’s intentional. This is Writing Elsie’s blog, lol, but there’s other Elsie that needs to be allowed to exist outside of the internet, and I can’t neglect her or my actual life for the sake of this.

I honestly don’t know what to do here. I love these characters on a very personal level, and have poured my heart into them, and I don’t want to straight up leave them. Even only partially separating myself seems kinda pointless because I know what happens when someone gets really behind on the lore and has to be caught up on even just a day’s events to explain why Character A looks like this now or Character B is referencing this event, etc. etc.

But there’s a point where it’s not healthy anymore. Where things reach a place where I have to admit that this can’t be my entire life anymore. And I’m not entirely sure what on earth I should do about it…

If I do somewhat step back, it’ll probably be right after the vacation arc ends. i’m gonna pour my fluff loving heart and soul into that thing, don’t you worry. But you shouldn’t expect another dungeon or something like that from me unless I have a VERY good reason and a well formulated plan. Yes, I’ll probably still engage in shippery and fluff, as well as analysis, but mostly within the bounds of characters and dynamics we’ve already established, and not much farther than that. My one exception to the “after the vacation arc” rule would probably be Yelena’s arc, because of how long things in that section tend to take, for various reasons. Yelena’s arc is barely started, and stuff takes possibly days to move even a few hours in-universe. Sooooo….yeah, I wanna finish that, I’ve put too much work into it already to just stop it.

…dang this was only supposed to be a paragraph…

…pls halp, I have no idea what to do lol.

Ok. I've read over this a couple times.

First off, I'm talking to you as L here, and not Star. I am very, very proud of you for acknowledging this and understanding that this is getting unhealthy. I think it's very smart that you dont want to neglect your yourself irl and the fact you're saying this, and saying exactly what you'll be doing, I'm really proud of it.

To give you a clear answer, if it's going to help you irl then I think stepping back is smart. Especially from the trauma and angst, because that stuff hurts a LOT and it can be really, really detrimental and negatively affect irl things. What I DONT think is that it's betraying anyone. You need to be able to put yourself and your needs first in order to be your best self, and everyone understands that you can't be on tumblr 24/7 because, well, that's really really really really unhealthy and not good. I'm really glad you're telling me about this though so I, and everyone else who sees this, knows.

TAOCC is really great but there's a LOT of heavy things on here and with everything going on, it can be super weighing and really affect people irl. I can speak from experience because honestly, I'm in a similar situation. I won't speak much about that though. It's definitely addictive and can get really really unhealthy if you let it, and honestly it's not hard to let it.

I want you to do whatever you feel is best for you, no matter what that entails. Fei and Tails and Xeya and Kumo and so many others and I love you so much and do NOT want you neglecting yourself and your life irl for this- it's meant to be entertainment, not a lifestyle.

I think it's smart to finish Yelena's Arc before partially stepping back. And I think it's even smarter to not want to do another dungeon, because that whole thing was a massive angst-fest and I think it negatively affected people more than they care to admit. Shippery and fluff and minor things is a good boundary.

I'll wrap this up now, but again, I'm in full support of this decision because I want you to be at your best. You're right, you're not just Elsie. And it's not fair for you to only be Elsie when you're so much more than that. If stepping away from tumblr will help you take care of the other parts of your life that we aren't involved in or aware of, then please do so because no part of you and your life should be sacrificed for the sake of entertainment.

Again, I'm really, really proud of you for admitting this.

Please know we'll always support you and you're super important to all of us, so don't ever feel bad for putting your needs first. Irl things should always come first.

But no matter what always remember:

WE LOVE YOU SO SO SO MUCH AND YOURE SUPER IMPORTANT AND WE WANT THE BEST FOR YOUUU ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Everything I said is applicable for everyone else reading this too. Taocc is fantastic and we love it but it shouldn't completely take over your life. It's okay to take a break or step back fully if it means the best for your health and irl life. Please remember to take care of yourselves- and everything that Elsie talked about here is FANTASTIC self care. It may be hard, but it's also the best decision she can make for herself and may be the best decision for others too.

Alright- I think I covered everything. Don't ever feel like you're betraying us Elsie- it's not betrayal, it's self care. We'll still be here for you, always. Never forget that ❤️❤️❤️

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

I'm so tired. I feel like my whole life I've been fighting to have a healthy relationship with food and my body, and I just can't do it anymore. I can't fight anymore. And it's so, so easy in comparison to restrict and obsess over tracking everything I eat

I'm dealing with symptoms of a currently unknown disability right now, and I'm so tired. I'm tired of doctors saying "wow, I have no idea what's going on, I've never seen labs like this... but I'm sure losing weight will help!" (Or, worse, "looks like everything's fine, just lose some weight!") It's become this belief that if I was skinny my symptoms would be taken seriously. If I was skinny I'd be able to figure out what was going wrong because doctors wouldn't rely on my weight to explain everything. I know logically there are lots of disabled people who are still ignored while being skinny, who still struggle to be taken seriously, but I can't shake this feeling that everything would be easier if I was skinny

It feels like my life is in the hands of people who don't give a shit about me. And they still probably wouldn't give a shit if I was skinny, but maybe they would. I don't know, I've never been skinny, so I can imagine that everything would be perfect if I was

It's definitely at least partially a desire to have control over my body, too. I can't stop my symptoms, I don't have the tools to figure out what's wrong on my own, but I can starve myself! It seems very silly written out, and it is, but knowing it's silly isn't enough

I saw in your about that you've dealt with comorbid chronic illness and eating disorders, so I guess I'm asking... how? That's probably already on your blog somewhere, actually, so I guess I'm just venting more than anything. Advice would be appreciated, though

God, I feel this so hard, anon. So so hard.

First of all, I am so sorry I have taken so long to get to this ask. Work, ny studies, and my personal life have all been overwhelming lately and I’ve been having to focus on some wellness work for myself.

But yeah. What you’re talking about is a REAL problem, and you are not alone. And the constant medical neglect of fat people and the “I’m sure all your mystery symptoms will go away if you just lose weight” is just the cherry on top of the shit sundae that is chronic illness. It hurts peoples’ lives. It can kill. I don’t have a quick fix for this system, anon, but I just wanted to take a moment to validate you because I know that what you’re going through is so frustrating and draining and soul-sucking. I am mentally sending you strength.

First of all, I might have one suggestion for you: lie. Lie to your medical professionals about just one thing, and no other: tell them you are already on a weight-loss journey, even if you are not. If it gets you the help you need in this system - yeah, fib a little. But then, explain to your doctors that the reason you are seeking treatment for your symptoms so proactively is that they are preventing you from doing what you need to do to lose weight. Yes, of course you really want treatment to improve your basic quality of life, but when you’re talking to your doctor, sometimes you gotta frame it in a way they’ll hear. Explain how each symptom has made you unable to pursue an active lifestyle. Or how you’ve been too fatigued to meal prep, or how your symptoms are costing you so much that you are struggling to budget for dietary changes. You don’t have to actually be planning any of these things, but if it gets them to continue pursuing the source of your symptoms, just lie. I know it’s so triggering and awful to have to do this just to get taken seriously, so set aside time to prioritize something that you find self-caring after this.)

I know you say your desire to control your body seems silly written out, but it’s not silly at all. I get it. I really really do because I have the same impulse. When your body keeps acting out of your control in painful ways, it’ll make you desperate. And when you’ve had the message pushed your whole life that being skinny fixes everything, it tends to stick in your mind. You are not alone. You are desperate and being driven by a valid impulse.

Instead of pursuing an eating disorder, remind yourself that eating disorders only give you the illusion of control. Eating disorders only pave the way for the disorder to get more control over you. Not to mention, starving yourself will likely take even more of a toll on your health, doing lasting damage if you lose a significant amount of weight from starving. You are allowed to love yourself more than that. I know it’s hard. I know it’s hard to keep fighting for yourself.

Are you in any chronic illness support groups, online or in person? If you aren’t, I suggest you find some. You may find a good outlet to vent about symptoms, get advice on what got doctors to take other people seriously, and learn more about your own symptoms.

While I don’t recommend starving yourself, you could try tracking your symptoms in relation to certain foods and see if specific food sensitivities worsened them (this was true for me.) For me personally, it helps to remind myself that these foods aren’t “bad” foods - they’re just not good FOR ME, and choosing the ones that make me feel better is a way of taking care of and loving my body. (If you find your symptoms do not change based on dietary experimentation, you can disregard this advice.) For me, it can be really triggering having to avoid certain foods, so I definitely have to take a pause to calm down and talk myself through it sometimes.

Things like meditation exercises, gentle yoga, de-stressing exercises and therapy will not cure your chronic health condition, but may help keep symptoms from spiking as badly because stress is known to exacerbate physical symptoms. (Easier said than done, I know - what you’re going through is stressful. I am not telling you not to feel stressed, just to try and create small pockets of time where you try to give yourself a break from stress, which may not come naturally and may be hard because you cannot go to a place of escaping your symptoms. Just keep trying patiently and be compassionate with yourself.)

Anon, I really really hope this gives you some sort of help and comfort, even though it’s not a cure-all and I did get to it so late. There’s more I could say based on knowing specific symptoms if you’re okay sharing them, but for now I’ll just leave it at this. Feel free to vent in my inbox any time.

[good-beanswrites]

sorryf im being mentally ill about hallucination event right now SO in the LCSyS au, would there be something like it :o? Like after all of it's over or something, how crazy would it be if Jackalope tried to get them all together just to do one last concert?

Never apologize for being mentally ill about Milgram content 😌👍 We are all in it together 😔👍I'm combining this answer with a reply to @kikithedeceiver (and spiraling out of control from both)

I've had a lot of ideas about the project being public in LCSyS, but was holding off including it for few reasons – the audience’s voices would conflict with Es as their own character. Knowing the public was watching would change the way the prisoners acted (even if they thought they were acting natural). It’s a long time that the families would have to deal with the public knowing about their loved one’s almost-crime. I also like the idea of this au ending with the prisoners returning to very normal lives. 

Buuuuut it is such a fun idea, and popularity seems an essential part of an actors au. So, I’m not naming this as canon, but here’s a pitch if you liked that idea and wanted to run with it :3

The team doesn’t tell the participants that they’ve been recording/collecting certain material to release. If a translation is left out by accident, the prisoners just assume it’s for a foreign team member – they have no idea how close/far Milgram reaches. 

The third trial begins. The prisoners are inside the prison, and on the final stretch of the trials. On the outside, Jackalope contacts families for signatures to release the material publicly. The team thought about censoring names and things, but seeing current fans’ investigation skills, they knew it was a matter of time before they put pieces together anyway. This may be super illegal but for the sake of the story I’ll say that family consent is enough lmao.

Some of them are easy to convince to sign off on everything, since it can raise awareness for their loved one’s struggles. Muu’s family takes the longest, as it would risk ruining their reputation. (They’re only swayed because it truly is a great opportunity to show off Muu’s talents for those modeling scouts, and she didn’t actually kill anyone in the end.) Kazui’s family refuses to release his info, but Hinako uses sway with her marital status to sign off instead (I pictured things happening fast enough where she hasn’t gotten an official divorce yet). Hinako still struggles with what he did, but she thinks he’s doing something incredibly brave now. I’m not 100% sure what’s going through Amane’s father’s mind, but if the murder really was in line with the cult’s beliefs, maybe he believes that Amane will be be a shining representation of their religion. He wants to show her off as their little golden child.

The experiment is published in its current form: music videos, voice dramas, timeline conversations, interrogation questions, etc. It’s brought to more than just science/psychology circles, though. Jackalope has no shame in marketing it as entertainment, hence the stockholders mentioned. He assures the sociologists that this will be a major breakthrough for them. He tells music labels he's got the new hit thing for them. He leans into the excitement of releases and merchandise in the hopes of gaining attention for the experiment. Needless to say, it works. Even though the audience has no sway over Es’ decisions, they are encouraged to make decisions for themselves on what they would judge each prisoner. There’s the same types of theory/analysis/discourse posts passed around. 

When the trials end, the prisoners are released into the world to find they’re famous. Instead of trudging back to their lives feeling that society hates them, they find tons of adoring fans telling them how much they understand and forgive them. Even if their final verdict was guilty, they have hundreds of voices assuring them that they are loved. That they are not alone. This attention really helps Haruka, Amane, (and maybe Es) who don’t have a good home to go back to. Not only can they reenter society, they are welcomed with open arms. They are looked after and showered in love. Some of the adults realize they want to use this popularity to lead the charge of social change. They create/support projects meant to help people who are facing their struggles.

And of course, there’s the other type of fame as well. Yuno loves answering fanmail and turning her karaoke hobby into a music career. Kazui goes from a life of feeling rejected and disgusting to scrolling through comments upon comments of men oogling him. Mahiru gets offers from fashion magazines and blogs to write up sections about self-love. Amane gets to live out her dream of being a performer, hinted at in her first two mvs. Fuuta is flustered by all the positive attention his appearance/voice is getting. Mikoto… well, I just wish him luck when he opens tiktok…

Which brings us to the live event! The prisoners have tried to keep in touch while adjusting to their new lives as almost-murderers-turned-idols. They’re amazed at how well-recieved the trial songs were. Those were some of their most personal, shameful secrets, and people relate to them? People love singing them?? People want a concert featuring them??? Jackalope encourages them to get together for one last encore. Some are thrilled with the opportunity, others are still nervous about the whole thing. Some think it’s in poor taste, that Jackalope is milking them for entertainment. But with a bit of conversing amongst themselves, they realize they all want a chance to sing like that again, and see each other in one place again. (It’s ironic because in my head Mahiru is the one to convince everyone to come ;--;) 

It’s strange putting on the uniforms again. Es is unsure about putting on their guard’s cloak. But the minute they stop onstage, they’re met with wild applause. They can sing their fears and dreams to a huge crowd and see in real time how it’s reaching others. They hear the cheers after each song. They hear that it’s streamed all over the world. All of them have an absolute blast, and pour their heart and soul into their performances.