#i hope meds will help her
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#i feel like a terrible person for doing this to fancy#and also a terrible person for finding the idea of going back to that emptiness utterly unbearable#i hope meds will help her#the babies are so cute and i don't want to go the rest of my life not having loved Jasper with the scraps left of my heart#he doesn't love me deeply but they don't know how to love humans like that yet#we could do it if we had time#i MISS my little man#i NEED a silly little face to look into mine and love me#i need a boy that looks and is really stupid#do you understand?#i need a little burger boy who just wants to suck on my fingers like some kind of evil but incompetent nocturnal spirit and eat trash
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Garet is literally so friend shaped. I can't believe how friend shaped this boy is. (top pic is actual dialogue)
#golden sun#garet#ivan#guys im sorry i spent all day on this and also a smidge of oc art#im in pain and im not going to die but wow#my sister was like do you want me to drive you to the hospital and i told her i do not have the finances for that so no#and then she texted me fifteen minutes later to say#if its only the money issue i will help cover the costs#and i wont say what she googled that made her so concerned as an end result but uh lets hope it aint that ???#hopefully i can sleep tonight cause i have almost zero sleep in my system#bc i started to hurt a lil after midnight ?? like then i postponed sleep to take pain meds#and then woke up constantly and couldnt stay asleep#so i really just wanna go to bed
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had to leave her at the vet for 3 hours :(
#she was crying when i was leaving im not ok.#hope she just naps while she gets her fluids and medicine but im sad#plus while her blood results indicate her meds Are helping with the thyroid problems and halting liver failure or whatever#theres a rapid increase of red blood cells. 2 months ago it was ok hhhh#dog blogging
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I miss PTS but most of all Baratie&Alabasta sanji so bad. that guy was peak fiction
#his introduction is the funnest and best shit in the world bro...#they said here is the kindest boy of all time. he knows what it is like to be hungry so he decided no one will ever be hungry again#if i can help it#hes a chainsmoker and a line cook since age 8??? and he wears a full suit on a pirate ship#he also flirts badly with every woman he sees#and whenever a customer is an asshole he just kicks them in the face#here is the kindest boy in the world he doesnt know how to communicate with his father who he loves more than his own hopes and dreams#the instinct to give himself over to the people he loves is so strong in him that he will not leave his home until he is essentially#kicked out#here is this guy who instinctively knows when someone is lying to him and can see through to their good intentions and always knows#what to say to make someone feel seen and understood#And this is ALL BEFORE YOU KNOW . THIS IS PRE WHOLE CAKE ISLAND.#i know my babygirl has flaws and guess what? i forgive him and theyre funny#sanji#doctor shes off her meds again! (lie im unmedicated which should explain a lot)
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blargh
#logbook#i legit did not want all my first textposts of this year to be mostly neg but like. whew. gotta expell this shit somewhere.#found out rent went on the trip she'd planned for my bday without me. lol ok. . .this is after she *couldnt* help me yesterday#and texted 'sending you prayers'. . .meanwhile other rent who i also have issues with.#made zero issue abt picking up a few things from the store including meds. and also picked up food that i did not have to pick out or order#and then was like 'call if you need anything' DAMN thats crazy dog.#im so mad she texted me this morning and asked what my symptoms were and i said same as yesterday. . . .and then she hasnt responded!#honestly fuvk her snd fuck my life. grateful to my 2 coworker friends who texted me happy bday. .idk i just hope no fever 2nite with meds#also my ex hasnt texted me today either. .i know you know its my bday. i texted you AND got you a gift. which i dont expect but. text?#going back to rewatching holly play psynauts. thsnk you to everyone who said hi today appreciate you<3
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My internet has been investigated by a professional.
There might be something weird with the big cables (to quote the guy: the "inner-pair" and "outer-pair" of the eight-cables are of different lengths, but by all accounts still work just fine), but my own equipment has at least passed (no extra-fine for crying wolf for me).
The weird stability-thing continues to be weird. And current test is for them to switch my internet-provider (internet-provider has a use-contract with the cable-operators, who are the ones investigating) over the weekend. See if the problem is on that end.
It's possible that this is the case (at which point I guess I'll try to switch permanently), or that it's that weird cable-length resulting in the problem (which is... a whole different can of worms).
#also. after a full week with only paracetamol. i'm back on naproxen (self-decided) after sending an update to my doctor#(basically amounting to ''you do know that this spine-pain never actually goes away on its own. right?'')#(with an addition about how paracetamol doesn't even really do anything for me. as far as pain-reduction goes.)#(but yeah. the pain builds up over time. sometimes very little time is needed. but giving it more time isn't gonna make it go away)#(i know this bcs it took me EIGHT FUCKING MONTHS to get these pills in the first place. and they were the only things that helped.)#(you think i didn't try other pain-meds before that? you think i didn't try to exercise? you think i didn't change my sleep-posture?)#(i had eight months. i bought an entirely new fucking bed. i slept in a fucking hammock. i tilted my bed. i tried sleeping sitting up.)#(until naproxen? NOTHING FUCKING WORKED. and at this point... if i get heart-issues ten years from now?)#(at least i've had lived a comfortable life up until that point. and there's heart-medicine that can probably keep me going even longer)#bcs her most recent attempt at ''fixing my medication'' is effectively to tell me to close my eyes and make a wish#which isn't really a viable option. ''but exercise-...'' ''i've said MULTIPLE TIMES that exercise has never had an impact''#sure. exercises from the physiotherapist might have different results. but after a full month of them? no sign of those results.#and after one week off my pills (reduced)? i was sleeping in shifts (from back-pain) and struggling to stand straight#and my flexibility was so ruined that i suddenly remembered why i learned to never turn in my seat when reversing the car#(bcs i can't fucking move like that. moving like that is impossible. look in the mirrors. hope for the best)#so yeah. back on my pills. and my doctor can fight me over it. once they get around to reading my message.#won't stop me from doing the exercises. bcs let's face it i probably need them for other reasons. but yeah.#personal stuff#rants
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My mom: It doesn’t matter if you’re diagnosed or not. Anyone who takes that test will test positive. I’m pretty sure if I take that test they’ll tell me I have ADHD or something.
Me with ADHD and my brother with OCD, both officially diagnosed:
#crow grumbles#yes I have told her it’s hereditary#she’s still on her ‘I’m a little bit ADHD everyone is a little ADHD’ bullshit#but she only brings it up when we mention our meds#‘I think I’d benefit from being on some of those’ you are perfectly capable of functioning without them and 2/3 of your children are not#hope that helps
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aouuugh my uterus......
#long long day at work codeine wasnt helping with cramps and my meds are less effective on my period :(#ive been doing okay most of the day tho just starting feeling kind of miserable omw home bc such a long wait at the bus stop in pain#and im kind of lonely at the moment but wont be able to climb tomorrow bc of cramps so thats my main social source gone :(#and it always feels worse at home bc if im having a hard time like in physical pain or feeling down my roommate cant rly handle it#like she cant rly be in the room with me the headphones go straight on. which is ok im realising its just how her type of autism works#so im trying not to get as upset at her abt it. with varying degrees of success but it just takes time#i mean i dont get upset AT her like ik its not her fault and i dont want her feeling like it is. I keep it internal + cry once im alone#just different social needs n boundaries innit. we're a bit incompatible is all#but its still hard. I'd like support from other ppl when I'm struggling i mean i think thats a fairly normal thing to want#but of the friends I would be comfortable talking to abt how i feel none of them have that kind of emotional availability#which again is ok like its not on them. and im very capable of dealing w my shit myself one way or another so its not a Need#but idk. it would just be nice. I feel like I've had to be so independent most of my teenage and adult life and I wish I could take a#break from that sometimes. even just a hug would be nice man#sorry i always come on here and talk abt the same problems... well youll see me do it again no doubt abt that 🫠#ughh and i feel so guilty for wanting things ppl cant give even though i know its not really my fault either and im allowed to want things#and i dont cross boundaries or make them feel bad abt it. i really hope i dont anyway. but still ahhh...#its so hard for me to feel connected to anyone if they cant rly engage w me emotionally at all like its a non negotiable#factor into closeness and trust for me and i get so frustrated bc i feel so distant and alienated from the ppl i care abt most#and ik i overreact bc of my rsd so maybe its just that its probably not even a real issue. but its real to me bc im the one who gets upset#man. anyway its okay just a really really long day. im gonna wash my dishes and then shower#and finish my book. maybe i should play some dead cells i miss it. i dont really want to think abt how i feel anymore#maybe ill see if anyones free to hang out tmr evening so i dont have to feel as lonely even if i cant leave the house after work#all good nice to have a plan anyway. done sniffling. my hot water bottle is helping thr cramps a littlr i think#.diaries#oh i dont think its helping actually ow. i took more codeine an hour ago why doesnt it do anything. not fairrr 😭
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That mood when the mania kicks in and u go from barly making 200 words a day if you write at all to knocking out 2000 words in one sitting...
#its been three days of this#its hard bc im so pleased but im Not supposed to be having mood swings w aaaall the meds im on#“hi dr so this is a problem but i really dont want it solved quite yet soooo”#i hhd 3 hours of sleep and i feel fine. i am So lucky the hallucinations havent started up again yet#i so rarely get euphoria tho its always angdepfor manic or super bad depression#hears hoping new meds help even everything out without sedating me like b4#*here's#in other *completely unrelated* news honest#ch3 of hanahaki fic is going up tomorrow#kiri speaks#plant flowers in her bones#wow spelling my nemesis “anger for mania”
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Sighs. Am trying to make dinner (on one foot, mid migraine, in a horrible flare up) which my sister said she'd help with. She did a few things (washed the carrots, cut up the beets which were supposed to be whole) and then said i clearly had it under control and went back to the computer. Still have tons left to do. Have no energy and am not even hungry.
#feels like the more help i need the more literally everyone is like. hm. good luck with that. and then they leave#especially doctors but also my sister as well#i know she's not my caretaker ! am well aware !#just kind of dont understand the lack of reciprocity. i take care of her whenever she's sick#asked her to pick up my last couple meds from the pharmacy#which is attached to the store she was going to anyway and was like 'dont bother if theres a line but if there isnt one could you ?'#after she just saw me struggle massively on my crutches when we got coffee this morning#and she said it wasnt good timing and she didnt know if people can even pick up meds for each other#they definitely fucking can bc ive picked up her meds plenty#anyway am out of my migraine meds entirely and really have zero hope of getting them for the next while#at least until i can walk on my right foot i guess#just feel. what's the words. frustrated and abandoned and alone. and too fucking disabled.#chronic illness#complaining
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ALSO OMG?????
Thank you guys so so so much for your help with Kaine's vet bills <3!!!!!!!!!!! We're about halfway there for covering it all. Like you guys know, I've been unemployed for a while and even at my last job with the hours i was getting I would have to pay with three weeks of pay. The job search is not going as good as I hope, so this all went on my credit card and I can't keep piling money on that with no back up plan, so your help is incredible and I can't thank you guys enough.
Big big love from me and my big baby. If he could type I'm sure he'd say thank you too. I'll post a picture of him in his donut for your viewing pleasure.
#god thank you guys#you have no idea how much this helps#I'll take that post down in a few days and just leave what's left on the card#yall have always been here for me through my bad times and i hope so deeply one day to be able to give back to others in need#the only time i've ever been able to do that was when I worked for P#but then i got into my car accident and all my money went to that#and to my bills and Kaines meds and my meds#so while i was making good money my bills ate through my disposable chunk of income#just#thank you guys so fucking much#I know in the grand scheme whats going on with him isn't life threatening unless it gets a bad infection#but he's on antibiotics for a week and cone duty so he can't chew at it#I haven't been able to save up any animal emergency money and I insisted that my mom let me take over the payment#because she just dropped over 2 grand on Mugsie and her surgery#having senior pets is a lot#again thank you guys I love you all so much
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#i didnt sleep last night#maybe got 30 minutes max#but then my meds were ready that help me sleep and i needed to do laundry!!#and on the way!!!!#a very floofy duck and her babies started crossing the road in front of me!!!!#i literally screamed!! it was so crazy to watch#they were so tiny and my heart was SINGING#it actually lifted my spirits 100%#all it took was some ducks!!!#i hope you all see ducks!!!!
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dog update btw: she's better, her appetite is back and she ate all her food and licked the bowl
#with the meds she needs like 12 hours in between meals so she gets breakfast and late dinner#so i fed her after i came back home from work and im soooooo relieved she ate 🥰#higher dose of meds seems to be working she will get blood tests in about a week#plus shes on new dog food thats specifically for like dogs with pancreatitis and similar issues#so i hope that helps as well#dog blogging
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*sighs as I add another idea to the wip pile*
#I have GOT to finish something soon it’s driving me up the wall#thankfully I finally got my adhd meds again so here’s hoping that helps#anyway Ines using her threads to lace someone into gear#or herself for some selfbondage#something with her threads and lacing
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The meower
#Queued... technically March 23rd?#I mean its march 22nd in oregon. but im not there rn lolz#either way im late. SORRY !! i forfor to queue on the 20th then i was on planes for like 21 hrs total#well no 5 of those were a layover @ the airport but#ANYWAYYYYY hi future me !!!#Howww was the trip? im on my first (second actually- its 4am of the second day if u coukd the arrival) day in Hong Kong#Its rlly hot and humid so I think im gonna die. BUT ITS ALSO SUPER COOL !!#Even just from the few hours I had out earlier its amazingggg. The lights and the buildings are so cool and theres such a fun but chaotic#atmosphere - idk if its just bcs its a big city or specific to HK?#I loveee large cities in general. New york. Tokyo. HK. thats all of the ones ive been to ig#I havent seen even close to all of HK. Im in central rn but we're goin to other parts later#Dad says the other parts are totally different- Like theres LOADS of gisnt buildings here (WAY MORE THAN U SEE IN ******!!! u know that tho#and theyre almost all residential of the ones I passed. Im sure theres offices n stuff i just didnt see them in the likd 20 minutes cab#ride lolz. U know all tuis already tho#ig what im getting at is HOW WAS THE TRIP !!!!! How was the rest of HK? WHAT WAS KYOTO LIKE??#augh soo many cool things.....#Also also !! Have you learned any mire katakana?#ive JUST learned the vowel line so maybe u lesrned the k line now too?#I cant imagine school is any different. OHH DID U FINISH THE M P 10P COMIC??#I started it and got abt one page done on the plane#I think it should only end up being two or three pages idk#Ohh !! Hows the new meds going !! I think u should have ur blood test done by now so do u know if it helped at all?#I hope soooooooooooo#Mm I think thats all I have to say .... NO WAIT HAVE U HUNG OUT W/ JACKIE??#i rlly want to b friends with her ^.^#Alright Thats all !! HAVE A GOOD DAYYYYYY I LOVE U#queue drop#weather report#WAIT EDIT DID THE TRIGUN VOLUME COME. HOW IS IT
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me doing hrt is so funny because it does almost nothing to me emotionally I don't feel better or worse about myself it's just a pasttime like playing video games
#literally i am doing this for fun. i am a scientist and her lab rat#(this is not true always but rn i feel like this)#realized just how much my voice has already dropped today when me and my friend were singing and i was a full octave lower than her ?#anyway. I've never been good at keeping track of or noticing what's going on with my body but im kind of like fine with whatever changes#are happening. sometimes I'm thrilled about it sometimes I'm like Oh Wait Help and most of the time it's not important#most of the Oh Wait Help moments are when I realize me being on t has Implications on how other ppl think of/ interact with me#it does feel Right in some way though like I'm not thinking of stopping. It's just not as relieving and cathartic as I hoped#(same when i started adhd meds kind of. it does something to me but not as much as i thought)#i do love my body becoming more and more ungenderable and unintelligible by cis standards
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