#i hear trauma bonding is now used to refer to people bonding over talking about their individual traumas

[terrorbirb]

I want to go out for drinks and I will force myself into my coworker's life to make that happen.

[aestian]

some of the posts in the murderbot tag are confusing bc they're asking questions that are straight up answered by the books and i don't quite know if people are really asking or like if it's just for fun? yes Murderbot uses air to speak, Network Effect straight up says that ART beats MB and the Humans to speaking bc unlike them it doesn't have to draw breath. Yes secunits are made with human DNA bc they're bot human constructs, but it is cloned DNA which is mentioned in All Systems Red. Extrapolating from the worldbuilding, likely this is a DNA bank taken/made from the legions of enslaved workers the corporate systems have amassed over the years, mined from them for sale by a corporation the way even ambient conversation is mined for sellable data. It's not likely secunits have human "parents" out there somewhere. MB does talk about the origin of bot human constructs being made from voluntarily donated human tissue/bodies from humans with terminal illnesses, and how in the media about this, sometimes characters used know the person that the security construct was now made of/from, but they were all still friends and treated in the media as normal and not the terrifying murder machines that secunits are viewed as. MB finds this odd. Also MB refers to the bond company that created and owned it as The Company in its logs deliberately — it isn't compelled to do so. it autoedits any mention of The Company's actual name and replaces it with the words "The Company." We learn this in Network Effect during its pseudotherapy sessions with Dr. Bharadwaj, who notes explicitly that MB is doing this and in fact is doing it right at that moment as they are speaking. She suggests this is related to The Company's logos that are still on parts of MB's body or internal structure that are impossible to remove. She knows it's impossible bc MB tells her itself, which she notes means it definitely has tried to remove them, and further notes its previously demonstrated hatred of logos. She then suggests that MB consider going through trauma therapy itself. This whole thing is there to illustrate that the reasons that MB autoedits any mention of The Company's name is that bc of its own trauma around it, MB can't stand to even hear/record/acknowledge the name of The Company, which is literally like etched onto its bones like a permanent brand of ownership.

idk this is rambling and just for me but again there were just so many posts recently since SC came out where I'm like....but those are ones we have answers to already for sure. im barely awake enough to tell if these are actual question posts or not which is why i dont want to reply to them in case they're for funsies but the answers are in the books for these if anyone is wondering/looking.

[agerefandom]

Kitchen Friends

Fandom: Marvel

Characters: Regressor!Reader (he/him pronouns), cgs!Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes

Words: 2,600

Summary: Bucky and Steve have been your friends for almost a year, and you don’t usually host the dinner nights. It’s a little stressful, but you’re excited to see Bucky and Steve!

Content Warnings: anxiety mentions, accidental injury, blood, involuntary regression, caregiver accidentally pushing too hard and getting called out, regression accidentally getting revealed. Brief references to wartime and trauma.

for @shadowdreamer5​

It had been a rough day and you weren’t sure why.

Nothing upsetting had happened, but you woke up anxious and the feeling lingered through the day. You tried to push it down, get your chores finished. Steve and Bucky were coming over tonight, and you wanted your apartment to be presentable. Which meant you needed to do the dishes you’d been avoiding for the past few days.

Luckily, you’d already done the groceries, so you didn’t have to leave the house (just the thought made your heart beat faster).

With the help of your favourite playlist, you got down to business in the late afternoon. The dishes were finished, the floors were vacuumed, and you’d even dusted a few shelves before giving up on that particular chore.

You ran over your evening plans as you hummed along to the music. Steve and Bucky had been over to your place before, but this was the first time you were serving dinner. Usually, you just lost track of time when you were together and ended up ordering pizza when you realized it was dinnertime. Their apartment was much nicer, so you’d been there for dinner more often. Both Steve and Bucky were great cooks, and you were well-aware that you probably weren’t going to measure up, but that was alright. It was the thought that counted, as Steve often reminded you.

Steve was a good friend. You’d met Bucky first, at the library, both of you favouring the same reading nook tucked away in a private corner. After awkwardly running into each other for the fifth time, you had both resigned yourself to being friends. Bucky had introduced you to Steve later that week, and you’d been… well. Doing your best not to hyperventilate while meeting Captain America. He probably got that a lot.

You didn’t know their entire history, but you knew that they had been friends before the war (and wasn’t that strange to think about, the Second World War being something that they remembered?), and you knew that Bucky preferred to keep out of the media. As far as most of the world was concerned, Bucky Barnes had died in service seventy years ago. You hadn’t asked why he was walking around a public library in the twenty-first century, but you learned pieces of both of their past as you got to know them. It was a history defined by combat, duty, and bonds. You could understand why they now lived the way they did, deliberately normal: farmer’s markets and library books, flowers on the dining table. It was a reclaiming exercise, a carefully cultivated domestic sphere to retreat into when the fighting was done.

You smiled as you finished washing the bathroom sink, rinsing the suds down the drain. It was a keen pleasure to be included in their domestic life, your home a new retreat for them. They picked up your favourite Netflix shows, asked about your preferred stores and where you got your favourite button-up. While both of them seemed well-adjusted to the current time period, there was always much more to learn.

Your reverie was broken by a knock on the door.

Oh, crap. That was probably them. Was it really six already? You’d completely lost track of the time, and you’d been so busy with chores that you hadn’t started any of the food.

You eyed your sparkling bathroom with new contempt, tossed your sponge back onto the side of the bathtub, and went to open the door.

Sure enough, Steve and Bucky stood in the hall. Bucky was holding a salad and Steve cradled a plate of brownies. They were dressed down in jeans and t-shirts, Bucky’s shirt featuring a cat wearing sunglasses and Steve’s a plain grey.

“I told you guys not to bring anything,” you greeted them, frowning at the food in their hands.

“It felt wrong to come over with our hands empty,” Steve shrugged, and gave you the brownies. The pan was still slightly warm, and you were sure they were going to be melty, soft, and delicious. The man had a talent.

“Well, come in,” you said, and went to drop the brownies on the kitchen counter. “I haven’t started dinner yet, I’m sorry.” You were feeling a little more settled now that they were here. They toed off their shoes and put them in their place by the door. Bucky dropped the salad on the table and leaned on the counter as you grabbed vegetables from the fridge.  

“Can we help?” Bucky said, snagging a red pepper from your hand and a cutting board from the dish-pile.

“Looks like you’re going to,” you pointed out. “And yeah, that would be great. Thank you.”

“What can I do?” Steve asked, joining you in the kitchen.

“Cut the broccoli and the beans.” You pushed them both into his arms, and put a cutting board on top. “It’s for a casserole, so cut them bite-sized.”

Steve offered a shining smile, balancing his armful of equipment. “Yessir,” he quipped, and went to do his work at the table, since your little kitchen was already a bit cramped with two people sharing counter-space.

“How have you been?” Bucky asked, slicing his pepper open and carving out the seeds inside. “It’s been over a week since we caught up.”

“Busy. Tired,” you said honestly. “Pulling through.”

“I feel that,” Bucky sighed. “Thanks for having us over, by the way. We’ve been looking forward to it.”

“So have I!” Your hands are busy peeling potatoes over the sink, but you give Bucky a smile. “Gives me a reason to clean the apartment, too.”

“We should come over more often,” Bucky teased.

“Maybe you should.”

You turned back to your work with a smile, but just then, your knife hit an odd divot in the potato you were peeling and dashed sideways into your thumb. You hissed as the blade cut into your finger, and dropped everything into the sink. The clatter caught the others’ attention, and Bucky was at your side in a flash.

Blood welled in the cut, and you felt abruptly dizzy. You’d never been good with blood, you remembered your mother teasing you about it when she’d cut herself in the kitchen. It had been just like this, dripping into the sink, and you’d cried and clung to her despite her protests.

You could feel the tears in your eyes now, either from the pain or the surprise. The blood kept coming, and you were scared. What if you had to go to the hospital? You hated the hospital. Needles and doctors and that awful smell of people dying. You couldn’t go to the hospital. They couldn’t make you go.

“It’s alright,” you could hear Bucky saying. “Just a little cut, Steve, get his first-aid kit. Above the bathroom sink.” A hand on your shoulder, solid but gentle. “Hey, it’s alright. We’ll get it patched up right away.”

“Sorry,” you managed. Somewhere in the back of your head, you were aware that you were over-reacting to a little cut. But mostly you were just scared and tired and dizzy. “Bad at blood.” The weight of the day was rushing back in all at once, and you couldn’t handle it on top of everything else. Your knees gave out, but Bucky was there, scooping you up.

You could feel the cold of his metal arm even through the back of your t-shirt, his other arm looped under your knees as he lifted you.

“Oops,” Bucky said, as if he hadn’t meant to pick you up. “To the bathroom, I guess.”

You knew you shouldn’t, that you should protest and try to walk, but you couldn’t help but curl into Bucky’s chest as he carried you. They were so strong, these two, and it was easy to see in their bodies, but it was a different thing to feel the ease with which he lifted you, almost heedless of your weight.

“Is he okay?” you heard Steve ask, and the rustle of a bag. Probably your first-aid kit? Bucky said something about that.

“Overwhelmed,” Bucky said, and shifted you around in his arms. Suddenly, you were sitting on the couch on Bucky’s lap, which was kind of silly but also surprisingly comfy. “Ready for Doctor Rogers to fix that finger up?” he asked you, carefully picking up your injured hand.

You did your best to frown at him, but you were well aware that it probably looked more like a pout. He was talking to you like he knew that you were fighting off your regression, and that wasn’t fair at all. Bucky and Steve didn’t even know that you were a regressor.

Something cold pressed against your thumb, making you jump. You looked over to see Steve carefully wiping the blood from your hand, his expression almost comically focused on the task. He was even gentler with the area around the cut, but you still winced.

Bucky put a hand on the back of your neck, humming sympathetically.

Seriously, what was up with them? It felt like they were falling into caregiver behaviour, and you couldn’t call them out on that. But it was making it harder and harder to fight your regression, and you didn’t know what to do.

“Sorry, bud, but we’ve got to clean it before you get a band-aid,” Steve said, and smeared some cream across the cut. It didn’t hurt, but you weren’t expecting it, and you made a sharp noise of complaint. “Almost done,” Steve reassured you.

“Being so brave,” Bucky said, squeezing your uninjured hand. “Good job.”

Alright, that was it. That was not something that someone should say to an adult who had given himself a little cut. You pulled your hand from Steve’s grasp and got off Bucky’s lap, stumbling a little but determined to make your point.

“What’s going on?” you asked, hearing your voice wavering on the line between regressed and adult. “Why are you guys treating me like a kid?”

Steve and Bucky shared a look, and Steve ducked his head slightly.

“I’m sorry if we overstepped,” Steve said. “We… hm.” He stalled out, glancing at you and then at Bucky. “Do you know about a thing called age regression?” Steve said.

“I- what?” Your knees felt so weak. What was happening right now?

“It’s a coping mechanism, usually a reaction to trauma or stress,” Bucky explained. You could barely hear him over your heartbeat in your ears. “We saw it a lot in the tents between missions. People who feel a little younger when they’re not doing well. We didn’t have a word for it at the time.”

“We didn’t mean to push things,” Steve said, still apologetic. “I guess we have, patterns, for dealing with people who seem younger than usual. We didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“You guys are… caregivers?” you managed.

“Yes!” Steve perked up. “Or, at least, we’d like to be. It was… it was…” He trailed off, and you noticed that Bucky had started holding his hand at some point.

“It was one of the things we shared with our old team,” Bucky finished for him. “We miss it. It was part of how we relaxed, taking care of our friends. But Steve’s right, we shouldn’t have pushed things with you. Old habits.”

“No, it’s. It’s okay.” You stared at your feet, feeling overwhelmed and dizzy and impossibly far behind. “You’re right, I’m a regressor. I didn’t think you knew.”

“We didn’t, really,” Bucky said. “Not until now.”

“I’m sorry.” The tears were threatening to start again, and you didn’t even know why. This was all so big and it felt so important but you couldn’t think. Your head hurt from all the crying, and your thumb was still aching, and you should have had dinner in the oven an hour ago. “I messed it all up.”

“No!” Both of them said immediately.

“We’re the ones who messed up,” Steve continued. “Of course it was scary to have your friends treat you like a child. Even if you were regressing, it would have been disorienting. We should have said something.”

“Maybe.” Steve has a point, it was pretty confusing. And they could have just asked you. “But it was nice.”

“Yeah? It wasn’t bad?” Bucky asked, looking hopeful.

“Gosh, no, of course not,” you rushed to reassure him. “It was really nice. I was just trying to stay big, and you were making it hard. But it was nice.” You needed to find another word, but it was just… nice!

“Well. You can be big if you want,” Steve said, fiddling with the corner of the first-aid bag. “You can put your own band-aid on and cook dinner.” You wait, knowing from his tone that he isn’t finished. “Or… we could help you put the band-aid on, and I can finish dinner while you show Bucky what you like to do when you’re younger.”

“That sounds good,” you confessed. “The second one.” You were still wavering in your adult headspace, and all you wanted to do is climb back into Bucky’s lap.

“Yeah?” Steve and Bucky both looked cheered by the idea. It was sweet that they were so excited about this. It must have really been something the two of them missed.

“Yeah.” You dug your socked toes into the carpet, suddenly shy. “Um, I’m pretty… small though. I dunno if you really want that.”

“How old are you, bud?” Steve asked, leaning forward.

You held your hand out with three fingers up. Now that you knew the nicknames are deliberate, they pushed you even deeper into your regression. You weren’t sure you could have talked if you wanted to.

“That’s not small at all,” Steve said seriously. “I think you’re a very big, brave boy, who still needs a band-aid for his finger.”

Bucky patted his lap and held out a hand, a clear invitation.

You walked forward to him, feeling a little out of your body, certain that this was a dream. But Bucky’s lap was just as comfy as you remembered, and it was easy to lean into his chest and drift. Steve lifted your hand, wiped it down again, and then produced a band-aid from the bag. It was one of your patterned ones, and you fought the urge to hide your face when you realized it was one of the Iron Man ones.

“Ah, I see how it is,” Steve teased, and then gently wrapped it around your finger, smoothing the adhesive. “Well, as long as you’re protected, it’s alright.” He kissed the tip of your finger where it poked out from the band-aid, and this time you couldn’t fight the instinct to hide your face against Bucky’s chest.

“You’re embarrassing him,” Bucky chuckled, running a hand over the back of your head, fingers slipping through your hair. “Give him a break, he’s only three.”

You made a little happy sound and pushed into Bucky’s fingers. You’d always liked getting your head petted when you were regressed. It was the most wonderful feeling, especially after a bottle or a warm meal.

Bucky obediently continued to pet your head, and Steve got to his feet.

“Well, I’d better tackle dinner,” Steve said. “You two enjoy the rest, and I’ll let you know when it’s in the oven.”

“Thanks, Stevie,” Bucky said. “I think it’s going to be a good night, even if dinner’s a little late.”

Nuzzling closer into Bucky’s chest as his fingers trailed through your hair, you found that you had to agree.

[why-this-kolaveri-machi]

it wasn’t power i coveted; it was acceptance.

Titans 3.06

y’know, i was just thinking the other day that 1.06/1.07 and 2.06/2.07 were the best episodes of their respective seasons, so i have great hopes going in to this one. fingers crossed!

as always, typing this up as i see the episode.

SPOILERS AHEAD

1. oh! um... that was a Cold Open, all right. *nudges* get it? cold? because it’s snowing? and two people got murdered in cold blood? eh?

... oh, i’ve just started.

1.5. i wonder if “i want to be sipping pina coladas on a beach with you” is the new “i’m just one day away from retiring.” i was so on edge after that--i kept expecting that car to explode. even so, the way they died wasn’t an anticlimax: brutal, and quick. 

1.75. so i’m assuming that’s the titular lady vic! this show better bring up why this doll was important or why these two cops needed to be killed, and not leave it to the ether like jericho’s little mindscape jaunt in 2.08 (i’m still dying to know what that was about???)

2.

i love how deliberately unappealing wayne manor is. 

(sorry for the pic quality. i don’t have hbo max! ssshhh.)

2.3. i love the many references to “home” and “our house” when they’ve been here for less than a week and saw one of their friends get blown into pieces. i mean, i unironically love it: home is where family is, after all!

2.5. i’d like to say that kom is playing some sort of long game here, especially given the build-up we had last season and some of the more niggling details this season: why did kom choose now to use her bond to lure kory when she’s been on earth for months? why did justin call kory now, just around the time that she started getting kom’s visions? and what about kom’s ability to exactly imitate other people? hmmm.

2.75. the reason i wrote i’d like to say is that i’ve made the mistake of assuming plot complexity where there is none; i was so invested in the jason todd orchestrated his own death theory for instance, when it turns out that oops! ra’s al ghul just happened to leave a little lazarus puddle in gotham, and oh yeah! scarecrow just happens to have a network of henchmen working for him on the outside and a fully functional laboratory and a weapons cache fit for a new supervillain in the basement of the high security psychiatric unit/prison that he’s in! 

(no i’m not bitter, why do you ask)

2.8. iiiii don’t know what to say about the implications of sex slavery being a thing on tamaran, so i’m not going to say anything at all. for now.

3. gotham, six years ago... wasn’t it five years before s2 that jericho died and the titans disbanded? and when was the flashback from 1.06 where dick let zucco die? i think it was after the events of 2.08: jericho? i can’t seem to find any transcripts or reliable information online, so i’m going to have to rewatch 1.06 at some point. 

(i love the old-fashioned batman music in this heist scene)

3.5. “security is a joke... it’s my way of keeping my dad on his toes”. what you’re an ethical thief now, like an ethical hacker? i don’t think that excuse is going to sell, barbara, on the day you do encounter a decent security system and your father is forced to arrest you.

(then again, gotham’s security is piss-poor. did you know that you could just walk into arkham asylum without any official clearance, ply one of its most dangerous inhabitants with contraband, and said inmate could get away with having an entire laboratory and weapons cache--NO I’M NOT GOING TO LET THIS GO)

3.8 so that flashback between dick and barbara was really cute! and also illuminating:

a) dick sounds so light, so... um. look. i have some apologies to tender to mr thwaites, because while i’ve always thought he does a fine job as dick grayson, i’ve never been terribly fond of his cadence as he delivers dialogue. it’s often monotonous, i thought, but then again, he’s usually delivering exposition or dealing with one soul-crushing crisis or the other. so i was pleasantly surprised to hear dick sound so carefree and alive in his conversation with barbara, laughing frequently, his emotions so bare and bubbling to the surface. it’s really a fantastic contrast to the traumatised and world-weary dick grayson that we see now, even more so than the costume department just bunging a backwards-baseball cap on mr thwaites’ head and hoping that will convince us of his relative youth. 

b) and god, when he wakes up from that memory, all alone in his bed, bleeding from bullet holes in his shoulder (bullet holes that are--in a somewhat convoluted way--barbara’s fault)? yikes. it’s great. you have my apologies, mr thwaites!

c) can you imagine dick just... crawling back to wayne manor, trying not to be seen by anybody, shedding his suit and just... collapsing onto his bed without even tending to his wound? the sheer emotional and physical exhaustion of it? 

d) it’s so interesting to see how barbara and dick approach the idea of legacy--a big theme on the show!--in this flashback. barbara is the one bucking the idea that she should follow in her father’s footsteps, while dick seems pretty content with the batman-and-robin setup, and even tries to get barbara to join their team (robin-girl. pfffft). obviously after this several traumatic things happen wherein dick ends up questioning and then resenting his role as robin, his relationship with batman or even returning as a vigilante at all. and barbara... ends up replacing her father as commissioner. it’s tragic, really. 

e) the dynamic between dick and barbara in the flashback reminds me of how it was between dick and donna in 1.08 and even between kory and dick in early s1. it’s like having an older, strong-willed woman by his side means he gives over the steering wheel for a while and lets himself... unspool, a little bit. it’s kinda endearing.

also:

*pinches his cheeks*

3. you know, we talk about dick and Eldest Daughter Syndrome, and that’s definitely valid, but here gar seems to me the embodiment of it, with all the emotional gardening and firefighting that he’s expected to do. he’s kind of the guy expected to keep his shit together and take care of everyone else while they are falling completely to pieces, unable to carve out time to process his own trauma. he’s also picked up dick’s and kory’s tendencies to bottle up their struggles and shun appearing vulnerable, and he’s struggling in the shadow of both dick and kory undergoing acute crises, his best friend (and frequent confidante) on the other side of the world, and seeing hank die, utterly helpless to stop it. 

i’m glad that he got a chance to tell dick even a smidgeon of what he really feels, and i hope this is at least a semblance of a wake up call for dick to actually sit down and work with the people he repeatedly calls family.

3.5. it’s heartening to see that dick immediately makes it his priority to go talk to gar. but don’t blow off kory in the process, man!

4. i’m really loving this dynamic between kom and conner--i get the idea that both of them consider each other as Unknowns, alien two times over. but conner’s only ever known the titans, who embrace being different, and kom’s only ever known... well. 

anyway, kory is Really Stressed, and honestly? #relatable. 

when you’re forced to bring an estranged family member to hang out with your friends...

4.5. i love that the titans are spending so much time in the kitchen. a real family!

5. jonathan crane is a creep and i absolutely cannot stand him.

5.25. how did he get a whole lab setup (in the basement of a hospital...?) with a bunch of whitecoats to work for him? how did he just waltz into the viewing room of an operation theatre when he’s one of the most wanted men in gotham right now? why is jason wandering around maskless when--presumably--as the adopted son of the most famous person in gotham he’d be a tad more recognisable than your average joe?

why do i expect this show to answer anything anymore?

5.5. that’s not necessarily a criticism, mind; i’ve said since season 1 that titans is very comics-like in this aspect, all about the Aesthetic and the splash-page splendour rather than the niggling unimportant details of how or when the characters got to said location. like. the camera gliding over the operation being set-up, lady vic bursting in and doing her murder dance (imagine the luck of the poor intern who chose this day and this surgery to assist) and jason, shocked and slack-jawed, framed by blood.

5.75. it’s a sobering reminder for jason that, though he chose this path in order to gain control over a world that seemed like it was rapidly spinning out of his grip, he’s only succeeded in handing over even more control to a man with an agenda that is very clearly not aligned with his own. he’s in too far to stop now, though.

5.9. i have a lot more thoughts about jason! saving it up for the end of this recap, though.

6. more kitchen time! i better see dick do some cooking soon...

(”our kitchen”! it still delights me! kitchens are So Important)

6.25. so much of dick’s issues have revolved around his relationship with bruce, so it’s completely understandable that in the wake of a huge crisis where bruce literally asks dick to replace him and be a “better” him, dick would default to all the worst things he learned from the man. and i’m glad kory’s having none of it, but come on, guys. the woman’s literally fetched her fratricidal sister out of a hole in the ground with no idea what said sister is going to do next and experiencing a burgeoning sense of guilt far, far beyond her history with the titans, and dick’s too far into his autocolonoscopy that he can’t see that she needs help.

6.5. “he services your urges”--well, as far as we know, kory is the last person he had sex with...

7. “i hope [gar] isn’t angry with me...” SIR! i thought you’d already spoken to him! smh, as the kids say. kory wouldn’t be needing to reassure you if you just took the effort to build two way emotional relationships with the rest of the team. @superohclair​ was taking about dick’s relatively low emotional intelligence? i agree.

7.5. “i got my own problems [...] you and barbara? fix it.” YOU TELL HIM, KORY

8. man i really like this weird, sad tension between dick and barbara--this sense that both of them are approaching the other based on how they remember them and are ultimately disappointed by the truth. barbara thought she could trust dick to... well, be a better batman, but dick has not only failed at that in her eyes, but repeatedly undermined her while exploiting the authority that she gave him. in dick’s eyes, this is nothing like the barbara that he knew, rebellious and ready to do whatever it takes to find something. 

like. this show sometimes really hits me in the chest about the ways it shows kids grow into adults and into caretakers, and the way it’s stop-start, the ways nothing can happen at all for a long time and then it’s Crisis Central all at once and there’s no space to breathe. the weird sort of sadness that comes with nostalgia. 

8.5. oracle name drop! i agree with barbara, any system that can just randomly tap into gotham phonelines is a monster.

8.7. (i don’t know if it’s my imagination, but is dick holding himself... differently in this episode? like that wound is definitely bothering him, and he’s running on fumes)

9. man, that was a really sweet scene between kom and conner. “feeling alien in your own world”... “not quite here nor there”

honestly this team runs on conner and gar’s faith in their value as a family, and it’s a sign of conner’s generous heart that he extends that opportunity to blackfire. this arc of maturation for him, where he’s now able to consciously choose which parts of himself he can use to do the thing he wants to so--save people--has been so fulfilling to recognise. this baby’s grown with the titans! and what he’s learnt is that people can get fucked up, but the titans is a place where they can be fucked up, and grow.

MY MAN CONNER

10. oh man i’m drinking in the gar-dick interaction in this episode like i’m three days into the desert and it’s the only source of water for miles around!

a) gar is absolutely not dealing with dick’s bullshit this episode and I LOVE IT. it’s such a far cry from the man who was idolising dick/robin back in s1 and expecting him to solve all their problems. dick is fallible, dick is fucked up, but he Tries His Best and that’s ok.

b) dick, huffing and puffing through that vent, unable to put any pressure on his left shoulder, trying to have a heart to heart with gar... fuck i love this asshole. 

c) bruce took in a kid who was suffering... “and made him into a weapon”. well. i absolutely agree with dick that it was bruce who put these kids into these horrible situations with him and they came away with a bucketload of trauma to add to the one that they already had. but we know that bruce was really trying with jason, and at the end of s2, dick was coming to acknowledge that bruce had offered him something that wasn’t just darkness. jason’s death and bruce’s reaction to that shattered that fragile progress.

d) “gotham got to me too.” i feel more sympathetic towards dick running off on his own than most, and it’s not just because i’m an unapologetic stan.  we’ve seen before that dick... devolves when overwhelmed, and he lashes out and makes ill thought out decisions and just Does Not Deal. it happened after hearing the news that deathstroke had returned in s2, and it didn’t help that everyone around him was reeling at the news, either. this time, however, he has his salvation in his family, and despite some stupid decisions like running off and kidnapping supervillains without telling his team, he’s been really on the ball this season. thinking clearly and logically, holding it together and working on a plan, thinking two steps ahead of the villains... yes.

e) gar needing to believe that jason isn’t beyond redemption... there’s a lot of blood on his hands, too, from when he was manipulated by cadmus last season. it makes sense why he’d relate to jason’s predicament, and i hope dick picked up on that.

f) my head just added a plaintive ow after dick jumped feet first into the storage room

i need, crave gifs of this scene!

11. *sits on hands* i’m going to talk more about red hood, i promise!

12. more gar and dick! is it my birthday??!!

(actually, according to the tamil calendar, it is my birthday! my “star” birthday)

12.5. excellent. dick using some implausible training that bruce taught him to solve a mystery? passing some of that knowledge onto gar? that proud smile when he sees gar perfectly execute moves that he taught him? MY HEART IS EXPLODING

13. aw, i love flashback!dick and barbara, they’re so cute <3

13.25. why does it not surprise me that the way he proposes a relationship to barbara is by saying “we make sense”? this guy can deduce exactly who was present where and what weapon they were holding from a garbled audio recording but other times he’s utterly clueless, and that’s a consistent character beat right from s1

13.5. so.... that’s why lady vic has it out for... barbara....? i don’t get it. it’s flimsy. but hey! the fun thing about titans is that i don’t have to get it. the payoff has nothing to do with the plot.

14. i can’t believe that barbara fell for that, but at least that wheelchair fight looked awesome, so.

15. oh yeah, i forgot that red hood bullied the mob into helping him and scarecrow... at least that explains the whitecoats and the elaborate set-up.

15.5. honestly i love how this dynamic between kory and kom is developing, though i wish more of the team would pay attention to it. time to call justin, i think!

16. i wonder what happened after that second flashback where barbara got hurt during that heist. did she give up on doing any more (maybe jim caught her)? was it because dick was called away by bruce and then the titans and got caught up in his own issues? maybe barbara froze him out because she wasn’t looking for the relationship that he was looking for? maybe the idea of doing that with someone turning into batman-lite was just... unappealing? scary?

whatever it is, it doesn’t look like dick ever processed the end of that relationship. it’s very intriguing to see where their dynamic goes next.

17. so.... what, did vic deliver some fear toxin to barbara? i... what?

17.5. and i TOLD YOU that they would never explain that doll or why vic attacked those two cops at the beginning! oh, titans.��never change. 

18. did jason just randomly have tim’s restaurant burgled? god, i’m feeling a bit nauseous... are they going to kill tim’s father?

18.25. i feel like the rest of the season is going to wrestle with jason’s culpability in the horrible stuff he’s doing and i’m already seeing that prospect divide fans. on one hand, his story is taking a lot of oxygen away from other equally interesting story arcs, and he’s done some truly awful things, like indiscriminate murder, threatening to kill children, blowing up hank, and potentially killing tim’s parents. 

there’s something to be said for the kind of hold that crane has over him, and the so-called ‘anti-fear’ drug that he keeps plying jason with--he’s alone, drugged almost constantly (to the level of dependence), fresh from the trauma of being bludgeoned to death. he hasn’t conquered fear; he’s ruled by it. on the other hand, given that he’s the one character on the show given an obvious and identifiable ‘mental illness’ arc (maaaaybe dick too), one can argue that it’s irresponsible to show this progress into such violence: jason was vulnerable because he was struggling, and that left him vulnerable, but it took only a push before he became a fucking serial killer.

but that could mean we underestimate the degree of that vulnerability, and the mechanics of this universe where he fell into the clutches of the one supervillain perfectly designed to exploit that vulnerability. that helpless spiral into further and further self-destruction is all too real. it’s valuable to know that someone who has sunk that low can still seek help--actual help--and get it. 

18.5. i don’t know. it’s not a question i’m going to resolve at the end of an overlong recap at 1 in the morning. i don’t believe it’s even a question that titans can resolve. but i am interested in where they’re going next with jason.

19. this episode was genuinely great! i’m pumped for the rest of the season!

[elyvorg]

So… I was talking about aspec V3 headcanons? Well then, let me lay down the facts.

Maki Harukawa is on the aromantic spectrum. Yes, even though she explicitly develops a crush on Kaito, and no, I’m not trying to dispute that part.

This is basically canon. Let me tell you why.

Maki is aro

For this, we need to consider the conversation Maki has with Shuichi in the first training session in chapter 4, while Kaito has temporarily disappeared to the bathroom. On one level, this conversation exists to be the only actual meaningful indication* that Maki has romantic feelings for Kaito until she goes and confesses them. Someone like Maki wouldn’t care about asking Shuichi if he “liked” Kaede (in that annoying loaded meaning of the word “like” that specifically refers to romantic attraction) unless she was trying to come to terms with the idea that she also “likes” someone else in the same way, and the only plausible candidate for that is Kaito.

But even more striking about this conversation, far more so than the general implication that Maki would only bother asking this if she happened to be crushing on a certain spiky-haired space dork, is the way Maki approaches and thinks about this whole topic in general. Take a look:

Maki:  “Well… I assumed you didn’t, because that would be weird. […] Liking someone you just met… especially in a situation like this…”

Shuichi:  “… Then tell me… under what circumstances is liking someone *not* weird?”

Maki:  “…Huh? I… don’t know. I don’t… really understand what that is.”

I, as an aromantic person myself, fully agree with Maki that it just seems weird to start romantically liking someone you’ve only just met, especially in a life-or-death situation where surely there’s way more important things to be focusing on. But apparently, most people do not find this thought weird at all – love at first sight is supposedly a real thing that can happen, and something something dangerous situations can bring out more hormones and passion???? sounds fake but okay – and so opinions like mine and Maki’s here are very much outliers.

And not only that, not only does the thought of crushing on near-strangers bewilder Maki to the point of disbelief, but she also can’t even come up with an answer to when crushing on someone would ever not be strange and bizarre. Like the whole concept is just alien to her. She can barely even wrap her head around how “liking” someone in that way even works. The very reason she’s even asking Shuichi about this is because she doesn’t understand why she’s feeling this way about Kaito.

This is how an aromantic person would view this kind of thing. It doesn’t sound even slightly like something an alloromantic person would say in this situation. That’s not up for interpretation – that’s just the truth about these views that Maki is expressing. Again: I’m aromantic. I would know.

Even from a character who then does turn out to nonetheless have a crush on someone, these statements are pretty much as canonically confirmed arospec as you can get short of them straight up using the word "aromantic" or a variant.** And, well, obviously Maki isn't about to go calling herself that. From the way she’s questioning this, she clearly doesn’t realise that her perspective is the outlier, so she’s probably never even heard of the term. Besides, she most definitely has way bigger hurdles to be getting over first in terms of her self-acceptance before she's ever going to particularly care about figuring out labels for her orientation of all things.

Aros with trauma are still aros

Now, granted, I severely doubt that Maki being arospec is what the writers intended to convey. Haha, deliberate aro representation in mainstream Japanese media, especially something more complex than vanilla aro, that's a funny joke. What the writers probably meant by writing this conversation I just discussed is to suggest that Maki is viewing things this way a result of her trauma.

But hey, guess what? Even if it is because of her trauma - and I'm not denying that it probably is - that doesn't make Maki any less aro. Some people are arospec because of trauma, and that's equally as valid a reason to be arospec as without. Maybe Maki would have grown up alloromantic if she hadn't been scouted as an assassin, but that's irrelevant, because that's not the Maki who exists now.

In writing this conversation, the writers were presumably attempting to communicate that Maki is so messed up by having been manipulated and abused and moulded into a soulless killing machine that she can no longer comprehend the idea of how or why anybody (especially not herself) would fall in love with someone when they'd only just met, or even really in any circumstances at all. …And in doing that, the writers unintentionally wrote a character who, as a result of her trauma, is aro(-spec). This is an objective fact about the canon story that does not change just because the writers probably weren’t aware enough about aromanticism to actually realise this.

Aros who feel romantic attraction are still aros

So, of course, Maki does in fact come to romantically love Kaito despite this. That fact becomes very important to her, and me lengthily explaining here that she’s actually arospec is not remotely trying to diminish that. But it’s also very important to me that people realise that Maki’s romantic love for Kaito comes from an aromantic perspective. She eventually chooses to embrace those feelings not remotely because it just feels to her like the natural way things should go, but despite every single conscious part of her insisting that this is weird and illogical and doesn’t make any goddamn sense to even be happening at all. She is not going to suddenly fall into all the boring romantic cliches and stereotypical alloromantic approaches to love just because she does in fact happen to be experiencing romantic attraction. There’s nothing alloromantic about Maki’s crush on Kaito.***

As for the specific flavour of arospec that allowed Maki to fall in love with Kaito anyway? This part is somewhat more up for interpretation because there’s no real explicit indication of this in particular, but I personally like to go with the idea that Maki is demiromantic. It feels appropriate for Maki’s character and trauma to imagine that she can only begin to potentially feel romantic things towards a person when she has an emotional connection with them – when she trusts them and knows that they trust her. It doesn’t necessarily have to take very long – she’d only been friends with Kaito for a handful of days before that telling conversation with Shuichi – and she may not even have to have consciously admitted to herself that she trusts them, but she needs to have that bond. She’s normally so guarded and has such strong automatic barriers up during her interpersonal interactions that seeing most people in a romantic light literally isn’t even an option in her brain.

Maki’s confession of her feelings for Kaito does read as rather strongly demiromantic, I think. She makes a point that this is about who Kaito is and what he’s done for her, before even getting to the part where she admits to having fallen for him. And she says she “fell for” him, not that she was always in love with him or anything to that effect. This happened somewhere along the way during their friendship, because of their friendship, and because of Kaito being his incredible trusting supportive self towards her when she needed it most.

Maki Harukawa is demiromantic, and she’s wonderful.

  ---

[some grumpy Amatonormativity and Aro Erasure 101 footnotes, can you tell I am bitter about this kind of thing]

(* When I say “actual meaningful indication” of romantic feelings, I mean something that isn't just the narrative infuriatingly pointing at things that are actually perfectly platonic in nature and going “ooh look how romantic~!”. Newsflash: worrying about somebody and wanting to rescue them when they're sick and injured and have been kidnapped by someone you think is an evil sadistic mastermind is not somehow proof of romantic feelings. That is a thing that friends do. And on the same note, teaching somebody how to build a crossbow is not some kind of deep metaphor for romance; it is literally just a lesson in how to build a goddamn crossbow. Maki would have done both of these things in exactly the same way if her crush on Kaito didn’t exist.)

(** It's exactly like how characters can be considered canonically confirmed same-gender-attracted when all they've done is show attraction to the same gender****, without them actually needing to explicitly refer to themselves with the word “gay”, or “lesbian”, or “bi” or whatever else. Anyone who tried to insist that was necessary in order for it to “count” would instantly be written off as homophobic. So if that’s the case, then a character explicitly saying something such as “I don’t understand what it means to like someone that way” equally constitutes them being confirmed aro, and trying to argue that it doesn’t “count” without outright hearing the word itself is, guess what…?)

(*** This also inherently means that there’s nothing straight about Maki’s crush on Kaito either, since societally-expected “straight” attraction is allo as well as hetero. I gather that some people in this fandom like to devalue and erase Maki’s crush (and potentially also Maki herself) because they feel that it’s an Obligatory Forced Straight Romance and don’t like that, or something along those lines. Well, good news! It’s literally not that, actually, because Maki isn’t straight.)

(**** …This only applies so long as it actually is very clearly romantic or sexual attraction and not just people deciding platonic affection is totally romantic thanks to the disease that is amatonormativity. Because, you know. That happens. Literally all the time. (Even from V3’s narrative itself; see footnote 1.))

[woodland--fae]

If I were SJM writing ACOWAR I would have dramatically changed the outcome of Rhys’ resurrection.

Ok. Time for another ACOTAR rant because I just can’t help myself.

One of my biggest complaints about this series is how the main characters are never faced with threats that actually threaten their power. While they may battle insurmountable odds, the reader comes to expect that they will achieve their goals unscathed and with dramatic flair. Rhys, Feyre, and the rest of the IC are blessed with immense power, even better looks, and an author who thinks they are perfect in every way. 

The characters are so perfect that they can die and be resurrected with virtually zero consequences. SJM has made them invulnerable. 

Don’t get me wrong. I hate when beloved characters die in a series, but it is equally frustrating when characters “die” and are then resurrected within minutes at seemingly no cost. Dramatically, this takes away from the emotion of the moment and cheapens the initial sacrifice by making it seemingly moot. 

What am I referring to? Rhysand’s death (or lack thereof) in ACOWAR. 

If I were SJM writing ACOWAR I would have dramatically changed the outcome of Rhys’ resurrection. The price of his sacrifice for Feyre should come at the cost of his High Lord powers. We know, according to the lore that SJM herself has written, that when a High Lord dies his power automatically transfers onto another. We also know that in ACOWAR Rhys is dead. I know Feyre talks about an essence of him holding on through their bond, but for all intents and purposes he is dead. If the other High Lords don’t offer up part of their life-force, Rhys remains dead. It’s as simple as that. Therefore, during those moments before his resurrection it makes sense that the High Lord powers of the Night Court would transfer onto a new High Lord. 

I get so excited thinking about this twist for multiple reasons. 

I love the idea of Rhys’ love for Feyre and his people manifesting in his self-sacrifice. We know that Rhys is devoted to his people and to Feyre. He has also made sacrifices for his court in the past. This ultimate sacrifice reinforces this characterization. Furthermore, the loss of his High Lord powers is compelling because it proves that Rhys was willing to give up his immense power for the ones he loves. Since Rhys willingly sacrificed himself in ACOWAR, we can make the assumption that he knew his power would end up transferring to someone else upon his death. In contrast to other fae who put power before everything else, Rhys would stand out as willing to give up everything for love. This makes Rhys more likeable and less of an arrogant asshole who gets what he wants when he wants because he is all powerful. I for one am not impressed by how he is seemingly the most powerful High Lord in Prythian for…reasons. It’s cheesy, and makes the main characters literally invulnerable. It makes the story boring and frustrating and gives the characters no room for personal growth. Why grow when you already have everything? I think it would be more interesting for readers to see how he and Feyre adjust to life without his High Lord Powers. Who is Rhys without his godlike powers anyway?  Which leads to my second point.

If the High Lord Powers of the Night Court are transferred… who do they go to? Definitely not to a member of the Inner Circle or any other ally. We’re here for compelling plot, not giving characters advantages just because we like them! No. My suggestion is that the High Lord powers shift to…. Keir!!! You might be asking yourself, why Keir? He is such an asshole and would be a terrible High Lord. To which I reply, exactly! To set up the conflict in the next series of books we have ACOWAR end on a bittersweet note. On the one hand, the King of Hybern is dead, and all the major characters survived! On the other hand, Rhys’ power has transferred to one of his enemies. Not only are Rhys and co. now vulnerable, Velaris is also at risk from their new High Lord. This bittersweet ending achieves a good payoff for the survival of all the main characters. Stylistically it makes for better writing and a more realistic end to the series instead of “and we lived happily ever after as the most powerful High Lord and Lady in existence.” The sequel series would see Rhys and co. struggle to regain/retain control over Velaris and their people. The plot with the human queens is all good and fine… except that SJM literally never lets us leave the Night Court. 3/4 of the action in books 3 onward takes place in the Night Court. Therefore, it would be a nice change for the conflict to actually take place there and not with some Human Queens that have hardly any page time. This conflict with the new High Lord of the Night Court also offers some interesting new opportunities for character development. Rhys, for the first time in his existence would feel like a stranger in his own court and body. Technically, under Amarantha he was unable to access the majority of his High Lord powers but in that case it was different because he was still High Lord and had access to some of that power however diminished. In this circumstance, he has been stripped of all High Lord powers. He wouldn’t have all the answers, he literally is not in control. This allows him to empathize with Nesta and Elain. Feyre’s sisters also feel like strangers in their new bodies. They were violated and forced to become Fae; they unwillingly gave up their humanity in a way that parallels Rhys unwittingly giving up his power to Keir. In this alternate series Rhys comes to respect and understand both Nesta and Elain for who they are, not who he wants them to be. They have similar journeys of self discovery as each has to learn how to live again. Speaking of Nesta…. oh baby let’s talk about Nesta. Who took immense power from the cauldron? You guessed it, our girl Nesta. Who retains this power even when Rhys is powerless? Ding ding ding, right again! Nesta. In this alternate series women do not have to give up, or diminish their power while their male counterparts get to enjoy it (re: Amren returning with zero powers while Rhys retains all of his at the end of ACOWAR). How great would it be for Rhys and Feyre to need Nesta to help them stand against Keir? How great would it be for Nesta to have a character arc where the main characters actually respect her autonomy, personhood, traumas, and power??!! Reading ACOSF made me equal parts upset, angry, and bewildered. Here are a few reasons why: strong female characters don’t allow others to walk all over them, refusing to fund Nesta’s lifestyle and controlling every aspect of her life are two different things, and Nesta is not the only character who needs to apologize. I’m going to say it again, Nesta is not the only character who needs to apologize. That’s all I’ll say on this subject as ACOSF is another rant for another day. I think these changes in plot also benefit Feyre’s character as well. I see a huge difference between the character I loved in ACTOAR & ACOMAF and the rest of the series. It’s unrealistic that someone with very little leadership experience can fall so easily into the role of powerful High Lady and I feel like her character lost a lot of relatability as the series progressed. The Feyre of ACOTAR would not act like the Feyre of ACOSF.

When the courts were first introduced to us it always bothered me that there were four seasonal courts but only three solar courts… where is the dusk court? I think that my alternate sequel series would culminate in the birth of the Dusk Court. It bothers me that the Night Court is so divided. Rhys literally hates the Court of Nightmares and at best merely tolerate them. It’s hard to reconcile that both Velaris and the Court of Nightmares are the part of the same Court. On other days I would argue that Nightmares are dreams too and Rhys has no business condemning literally half of his court in favour of Velaris. But today I’m going to give it to him. In this  alternate sequel series, Velaris is different for a reason. It isn’t meant to be part of the Night Court. Velaris seems likes a different court, and so it shall be: behold! Velaris, capital of the Dusk Court! Who leads them? The newly minted High Lord and Lady of the Dusk Court: Rhys and Feyre. It may seem counterintuitive to give Rhys High Lord powers back when I’ve established why it is so important for him to lose them, but in my alternate series he will have had to fight, make sacrifices, and develop empathy for other people in ways that make him worthy of being High Lord. It also works as a narrative device for him to receive what he lost after proving himself (by working alongside Feyre, her sisters, and the rest of the IC as equals). I also think it is fitting that Rhys and Feyre could create a new court together. 

I hope you have enjoyed my rantings. I’m going to end this here since it’s already obscenely long. I would love to hear your thoughts! I believe firmly that Rhys should never have resurrected with his High Lord powers. The consequences of this could have been so compelling for future books. And it upsets me to see such wasted potential for character growth. This rant is mostly an exercise for myself to rewrite the worst parts of these books in ways that let me love these characters again. No-one should be victim to Mary/Gary Stu-Syndrome. not even Riceball. 

[whats-a-jarjar]

ACOTAR SHIPS

okay i don’t know if anyone will see this... probably not but i wanted to get it out and state my thoughts. these are just my opinions so please don’t be mad if you disagree with me! obviously we don’t know everything so most of it is up in the air clearly. but here we go...

⚠️Acosf spoilers obviously 🤪⚠️

OK obviously this is about Elain Gwyn and lucien and azriel and you know that whole discussion.

so let’s start with Elain. OK I liked Elain a lot in the first couple books and I actually did like Elriel. I shipped them pretty hard. but after reading a court of silver flames and the Azriel POV bonus chapter my thoughts have changed.

I don’t think Elain and Azriel are meant to be together anymore. I just don’t think they love each other.  I think they like each other and are infatuated with each other but most of all I think they like what the other one represents. 

for Azriel I think he struggles a lot with his self acceptance and belonging. like in the Azriel chapter I think that became clear when he was talking about how he was jealous of Cassian and rhys. all his life he’s been an outsider, with his brothers and his family and with the people of the night court like the citizens, and even in the inner circle. I don’t think the inner circle sees him as an outsider nor do the readers but I think honestly Azriel sees himself as an outsider even with the inner circle. as well as the fact that he’s never really accepted himself and accepted the things he’s been through over the past 500 years. he still struggles with who he is, what his shadows mean, and with love especially. I think for him to see his brothers end up with two of the archeron sisters, he already feels like an outsider and that made him feel even more so. I think he is hopeful that Elain could be his mate or that the cauldron was wrong because he desperately wants to feel that love and feel that belonging plus it doesn’t help that now Cassian and rhys are like actual brothers by law. for Azriel I think Elain represents that belonging and how they can all be one big happy family(in his mind bc to us they already are). and that’s what he so desperately wants and loves. Because in the Azriel chapter when he was talking about Elain or thinking about her he didn’t really seem to talk about her personally or her personality but rather sexual attraction and then what she represents (to Rhys). and along with the conversation with rhys I don’t think azriel believes he has a claim on elain or that he deserves her I just think he really wants to fit in. and although Azriel was looking at her gift of like the powder every night before bed Which don’t get me wrong is pretty cute I still think he’s doing that out of his need for love and belonging rather than love for Elain. 

now Elain. OK for her I’m not sure if she likes Azriel. I think she does but I don’t know if she loves him either. I think she also likes what he represents. For her Azriel is her own choice and her rebellion. Since going into the cauldron she’s lost all of that: her humanity her choice her control. I think she wants to be with Azriel because she can control it. I mean I think she is sexually attracted to azriel as he is to her but I don’t think there’s any love.

as for Elain and Lucien because it ties in as well, whether they end up together or not I think they could be good for each other. i saw this in another post but I think Elain connects lucien to her trauma with the cauldron. Especially with her lack of choice and control because the cauldron took away her humanity, it took away her life, her friends, all that she had in the human world and then right when she came out Lucien was like im your mate which  immediately took away her choice in relationships and her control with love. I want Elain to give Lucien a chance whether that’s romantically or just getting to know him because I think that could help her with her trauma and you know if she wants to reject mating bond for whatever reason I hope that she at least tries to get to know Lucien. but I also think elain‘s being a little cold to Lucien because he was just thrown in it the same way she was. He thought he found his mate already in jesminda and then Elain shows up and is his mate and he’s almost as opposed to the idea as she is. I just want her to give him a chance because I think he could help her overcome her trauma and he can be open to love again since i think he’s fearful of it negates of jesminda. I just think the pairing could be cool for both of them.🤷🏼‍♀️

okay here’s why i don’t think elriel are a good pairing (aside from love). OK Elain represents flowers light bright colors life. Azriel represents shadows dark colors the night death. they’re opposites. And while i’m all here for a forbidden love opposites attract story, I just don’t think it works with them. for instance azriels shadows disappear around Elain. While I thought that was cute at first and I was like “aww she’s the light in his life“ looking back now i think they shouldn’t disappear around his “person”. azriels shadows are a part of him and although obviously he didn’t want to go through what he went through and no one should have to, they still remain an extension of who he is. if he were to end up with elain he’d have to change who he is. he wouldn’t be able to be the spy master or the shadow singer or the introvert with the dark past which we all know and love as Azriel. I don’t think elain can be with that type of person either. Despite hearing about her getting her hands dirty referring to gardening I don’t think she can be with someone like Azriel who is a torturer and could be seen as merciless. (which is one of my favorite things about him which is slightly concerning for me but anyways...) Azriel would just have to change who he is to be with elain for his sake and for hers... which is really toxic so… as well it was mentioned by Cassian and Nesta that Elain looks terrible in black. Well they said she looked pretty but that it just didn’t suit her and like was pulling the life out of her. And nesta mentioned she’d be happy in the spring court as she likes gardening, she thrives on light and life. so I don’t think the night court is for her as well as azriel isn’t for her as he represents the dark and literally black and the night court. 

now i think it would be cool if she did end up with lucien and he either became the high Lord of the Springcourt or the day court (which I’m still really pissed that we’ve been through a whole other book without anyone telling Lucien helion is his father like hello he’s an important character... rude). it would just allow her to thrive as,in my option, we haven’t really seen her do so far. [Plus I think a possibility of an evil elain would be so cool. I don’t think she would actually go against her family with evil intentions, but if she made a bargain of some sort and ended up being an antagonist but not a villain I wouldn’t hate it. At the moment she’s a little boring, but then again we don’t really know her personality so I’m open to an awesome character arc]

OK now it’s Gwynriel time!! OK not to start any fights, but I’m not gonna lie, the few interactions we’ve had between Gwyn and Azriel has started a whole feud because it has so much more chemistry compared to the few Azriel and elain moments we’ve had over almost four whole books. but gwynriel. ok no matter who you ship, I think we can all agree that we love gwyn and gwyn is a great character.  Plus I think she’s perfect for az. now I know a lot of people don’t like the proof about azriels shadows, but I actually think that’s really important. like I mentioned earlier, azriels shadows are a part of who he is and extension of him.  now clearly they like Gwyn, they are the president of the Gwynriel fan club, and they ship them hard.  they interact a lot with her a lot. Now I think because of this Gwyn and however azriel will cope in his book will allow him to embrace his shadows and except himself. this is really important to his character in my opinion. I think, and I’m not sure how to be honest, but his shadows liking Gwyn and Gwyn seeking comfort in the dark ( which probably means she likes his shadows) will allow Azriel to see his shadows and his scars and his past as not some thing that will bring him down but rather something almost to be proud of since he went through so much. I think once Azriel learns to accept himself and all parts of him, he will better be able to see that his family accepts him, because no one is really able to see that they’re accepted unless they accept themselves. and I think he would finally feel that he belongs somewhere which is such a good story to me and I don’t know if that’s just because I personally connect or I just want Azriel to be happy with himself and his life and whoever is in it but I think that sounds awesome☺️

so there’s a lot of possibilities about what will happen in the next book which we still don’t even know who’s point of view it is because apparently it’s so “obvious” but actually sarah it’s not so please tell us!! I do think in Elains book her trial, whatever that may be, is going to happen at the prison because feyres happened under the mountain and nestas happened on ramiel and there’s an extra mountain and an extra sister so I feel like that could definitely be a thing that happens but who knows?? I don’t know but these are just my thoughts and I missing points obviously I’m not perfect spoiler alert, but yeah. 

if anyone has any opinions let me know!! I love discussing things especially books!

okay thanks for coming to my TED talk 🙂

[dutifullybitchypeach]

ACOSF FINAL THOUGHTS. 3/5

It was good. But it could have been EPIC. I think I got caught up in the hype and should have remained blissfully ignorant. Loved Nestas journey and her finding happiness. WELL DESERVED.

However lots of loose threads, ignored angst, rushed ending, pregnancy plot overshaowed a lot - 2 chapters wasted!

It was Nestas book with Cassians POV to balance. It was interesting to read how skewed, almost backwards it was the way Nesta saw things. Like the IC behaviour/comments at times to her was counter acted then with Cassians interpretation. Really showed her low her self esteem was.

I know it's Nesta letting go and being happy with herself and I believe SJM wrote it this way to be deliberately CLEAR that the IC are NOT perfect and are 100% capable of being total pricks. BUT that they are not held accountable for their actions the same way Nesta is, was frustrating. Cold hard facts: Nesta never murdered/stole/lied/tortured/assaulted anyone. She was a bum and a drunk who spewed hurtful shite. An angry bitch. However the only thing she ever wilfully killed was the King of Hyburn at the NC's request. The level of disgust from Amren/Rhys/Mor directed at Nesta in the beginning was uncomfortable to read and didn't sit well with me.

I'll have to read it again but I was not satisfied . Nestas character arc started half way through ACOWAR. She stepped up when they needed her to.

Feyre agreeing despite her experience in Spring was a step backwards for me. Then again it's exactly what Nesta needed. Cruel to be kind. And Feyre had Nestas back repeatedly throughout the narrative.

Loved Nestas story all of it, training, friendships, self love, etc etc. Gwyn and Emerie ❤ All epic. And she's well...more interesting! Detail on Cassian killing all those monsters, scene in the big, wow so good.

Feysand overkill or perhaps Rhys overkill. Sorry SJM but you need to pull back.

Nessian happened the way I thought it would. That Cassian isn't perfect is normal. His heart is Nestas, it's pretty clear. Smut scenes, I've read better sorry !!! Intensity was not the same as previous books. More sexy and less crude for me. Missed Cassians swagger but I guess we are in his head, and he's a big cuddly insecure bear. With a big d**k.

More thoughts (in my humble opinion).

Feysand pregnancy DRAMA. Unnecessary. Keep it, just don't let it happen the way it did. I've already said I thought the sacrifice should have been for Gywn/Emerie and there is a simple tie in IMO (see previous posts). Or perhaps Cassian actually stabbing himself rather than hurting Nesta with the Queen. But I get SJM and 'losing' her power, that much power just undermines the remaining plot for next few books. Nesta could just blast them all to hell. And she stole it in anger and has let it go with love. Growth! She is clearly still hella powerful. We don't know the half of it.

For me the above was the most irritating. The ending squeezed in. And I like Feysand. But Nesta healing with Feyre needn't have been so convoluted. Or drastic. More private, perhaps a real angsty, tense conversation and confession. They didn't discuss anything.

The last few chapters too much went on...important moments; first females to win The Rite, sidelined. Accepting the mating bond, sidelined. WTF is Nestas power now, sidelined. Queen dead, sidelined. An ILLYRANIAN FEMALE KICKING ASS sidelined. I mean Christ that was Cassians goal! And nothing. NOTHING. Not even a handshake.

Rhys. It was plain uncomfortable. But someone mentioned SJM deliberately wrote Rhys that way for this book and that's true. In the Feyre POV she mentions "two mates" the reasonable one and the asshole so that, I think, is telling. He's def more HL and pulls rank in this book with everyone.

Rhys clearly witnesses Nestas trauma from her nightmare but there is no recognition with Nesta. Not a peep. Yet he clearly feels massive regret. Is that for our benefit, the readers? That at least we know. Don't hate on Rhys. (I like Rhys btw)

I'd have liked a full circle scene where they are back in THAT sitting room admiring baby Nyx and Nesta just says a few things. Cooly and calmly. She's happy they intervened, but for all their wisdom and years of living it left a lot to be desired. Nothing too crazy, just a few delivered lines, Nesta style.

Felt Nesta lost a little of her fire. But maybe you see it more from the others POV. Though they always provoked her and it was a defence mechanism. And she was a bitch at times. With others outside the IC it's clear she is not like that. Make what you will of that.

I know SJM doesn't like to over detail things but a moment with Feyre/Nyx/Nesta alone would have been nice.

The sisters never meeting Gwyn or Emerie. A scene like that would have been powerful.

Amren is as Mor rightly said is a "cranky old bastard". And "Welcome back to the Night Court Nesta Archeron" screamed, now that you've scrubbed up love come on home. I don't know. Amren was clearly done with Nesta she was the one that stood by her the most and got sick shit of her. All Amren can command is respect now and Nesta really wanted hers, possibly the most.

Can I make a point about people harping on about slut shaming. Amren made one catty observation, that Nesta would ride almost anything. No other character mentioned it. Not one. And Nesta enjoyed her bed partners, she refers to some of it (threesome!). There was zero shame. And SJM hates slut shaming. So stop. It's not a thing.

I'm nitpicking but there was a lot of hurt just left off. Perhaps that was the point. SJM was like, fuck it, Nesta doesn't want to feel that anger or resentment anymore she wants to live and be happy. She's found inner peace with herself and those that matter most. Me wanting justification for how they treated her at timea is not the point!!! Lol.

The painting, that stood out for me in ACOFAS. It hurt to read it. Maybe Feyre had nothing to paint of Nesta. They didn't talk. Share thoughts. I think Feyre asking Nesta herself to show her memories of The Rite so she could paint it would have had more impact. But it read very plainly like now you've earned your spot here...or I like you now or something. She was deliberately not there, perhaps until she wanted to be. Or finally accepted and embraced life with the IC. It was an unnecessary detail that just fueled the Feysand halo (again I like Feysand).

Nesta made those weapons therefore they are hers. Amren is power hungry. Rhys seems happy to hand them over. High King drama, I can see it. It could happen.

It's clear that Nesta didn't want to leave the NC, therefore she had to fall in. People have a problem with 'who's boss' but we've only ever had court dynamics from Rhys/Feyre POV. And they are the top dogs in the NC. We are going to have to get used of seeing Feysand make decisions from the outside. It's THEIR court. And to be fair, Feyre always had Nestas back.

And yes I believe you always have a choice with Rhys. I know some scoff at that.

Rhys kneeling to Nesta further proves our gal is a Queen. Feyre is the only one he's ever bowed to. SJM gave us that moment for Nesta and we will have to be content despite he's questionable aggressive behaviour. He clearly has issues with family given his past.

Enjoyed seeing a bit of Elaine. Finally. And Nesta delivered some home truths! Elaine needs to find some backbone. Really looking forward to her story. Go mad SJM!

Feysand POV should have been the fallout of Rhys keeping baby drama from Feyre. Now THAT I would want to hear. And perhaps Feyre saying to Nesta I'm "secretly glad you told me".

Eris I always found super interesting. It's clear to me he knows Mor is gay. Him helping her would have meant she was trapped in the AC. 'Rejecting her' allowed Rhys and Co to save her and to have freedom. She screwed him by keeping it secret. His arc will be with Lucien I think.

Az and Elaine not for me. Sorry. I'd like Lucien to find some happiness. I've spoken of this before see other posts. Az tortures people for a living, he has serious issues.

I've already spoken about Mor....remember her lol. Where is she! Ha! Actions speak louder than words with Mor. Winnow please my mate is being a dick, teach me to dance, dress shopping. But I guess she's Feyres friend, Nesta has hers. Nesta feeling ashamed as to how she treated Mor, will be interesting to see how Mor feels about that oul time when I was such a hypocrite, lol, what I really meant was....

There are 2 more books and a novella so who knows. Nessian ain't over.

Going to look forward to the fanfiction!

Thanks SJM.

[schrijverr]

'Till Death Do Us Part

Part 11 out of 13

When Alex has to bring Philip to work, he and Thomas discover that they both have something in common: they lost their love. They form an unexpected bond and connection about this that grows into something more.

A medium burn with parental feelings about Philip and flowers.

On AO3.

Ships: Jamilton

Warnings: brief mention of death and water trauma.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 11: Water Lily Means ‘Purity of Heart’

The first morning at Monticello, Alex woke up by Thomas shaking him: “Hey, darlin’, wakey wakey, sleepy head.”

“Hmm,” Alex looked up, “Hey,” he smiled sleepily as he rolled over, “How’d ya sleep?”

“I slept well, want to get up for breakfast?” Thomas asked, “Pip is already up, heard him patter down the hall a while ago.”

“Oh, did you have to get up?” Alex asked, rubbing his eyes and sitting up.

“Nah, heard him run into Ma,” Thomas answered, “They’re probably eating by now, so wanna join them?”

“Yeah, yeah,”Alex got up and pulled on a sweater to go with pajama pants, while Thomas put on a tank top and sweats.

They made their way downstairs and saw Philip and Jane sitting at the breakfast table. Philip had a bowl of cereal and Jane a plate with eggs while she nodded along to something Philip was saying, getting closer Alex put together that Philip must have dreamed something.

“Good morning,” he greeted and Thomas also greeted them: “Morning.”

“Hey there,” Jane smirked, “You two sleep well?”

“Yeah, the bed’s really comfortable,” Alex stretched and gave Pip a kiss on the forehead as he walked by: “You sleep well, buddy?”

“I had a dream,” Philip informed him of something he had already a gathered.

“A song to sing?” Alex asked.

“What?”

“Nothing, it’s a song reference,” Alex told him, “What was the dream about?”

“Well,” Philip began as Thomas and Alex did a familiar dance around each other, it might be a different kitchen, but things were easy enough to find, “I was in a castle and there was a dragon and I was going to slay it, but then I realized that Theo was the dragon, so I instead we took the treasure and went to a mountain, but then Theo wasn’t a dragon anymore and you were there, Papa.”

“I was?” Alex grabbed his toast.

“Yeah, you and Da were keepers of the gate,” Phillip said, “Ineeded a password to enter, but it was weird and you two kept talking and we couldn't pass.”

Thomas snorted as he sat down with his breakfast: “That sounds right.”

“But then we were running and there were wolves everywhere,” Philip went on as Alex also sat down, “And at first we thought they were chasing us, but then we were running with them and we were also wolves. And I don’t remember what happened then.”

“Sounds like a busy night. Don’t forget to eat, Pip,” Alex reminded him.

Philip started eating again and Thomas turned to Jane and asked: “How was your night?”

“Same as always,” she waved vaguely, “Nights are boring, I miss them while I sleep. What are your plans for today? The weather’s going to be nice, you could start warming the pool.”

Alex paused with the toast halfway to his mouth and looked at Thomas. The pool had been mentioned during packing, but both had forgotten about it. Philip lit up on the other hand: “There’s a pool? Can I go see?”

He was almost out of his chair when Alex said: “Philip, stop.”

Turning around Philip did as he was told, the unusual tone stopping him in his tracks. He softly asked: “Can I not go see the pool?”

“Philip, I want you to look at me right now and promise me something, okay?” Alex said, waiting for Philip to nod, “You do not go near the pool without Thomas or an other adult with you. Is that clear? Water is dangerous and you can’t swim, so unless someone wants to go with you, you don’t go near the pool.”

“Promise,” Philip pouted, looking to the floor.

“Can you pinky promise?” Alex asked, holding out his hand, “Papa is not trying to be mean, Pip, just watching out for you and sometimes rules are stupid, but necessary.”

“Alright,” Philip interlocked his pinky.

Before an uncomfortable silence could fall, Thomas said: “Lucky for you, kiddo, I wanna swim with you, so dishes to the sink and find your swim trunks. Don’t forget to wash up, alright?”

Philip beamed and quickly set to work doing as he was told, before running off.

“Thomas or an other adult?” Jane asked, having picked up on the wording.

Alex cringed, this was one thing he didn’t want Jane to know out of fear what she would think of him.

“He’s not a water person,” Thomas tried to cover for him.

“You can’t swim?” Jane asked.

“I- I can, I just-” Alex sighed, then deciding to be honest, “I just don’t like the water. There- there was a hurricane when I was seventeen, not much of a swimmer after that. I should be signing Pip up for classes, but, you know, they ask parents to come.”

Jane nodded understanding – as a single parent herself – she was aware of the whispers that could follow you. She said: “I’ll be sure to keep an eye on him. He’ll be safe here.”

“Thank you, he loves it,” Alex told her, “He usually goes swimming with his Auntie Maria, but she’s busy and I don’t want to put that sort of responsibility on her. Besides, I could just sign him up for classes and not get in the water, it’s just-”

“It’s alright,” Jane said.

“It’s just that, maybe you know how it is, but for so long it was just me and people tend to think you’re a bad parent if you’re all alone,” Alex explained, “I didn’t want to send him with one of his Aunties or Uncles. You get looks.”

Jane had already gathered that and her heart ached for the young man with that familiar look on his face. She put a hand on his shoulder and assured him: “You don’t have to take shit from them, but I get it.”

Then Thomas offered: “I can teach him how to swim. I’m a pretty good swimmer and if we get back, I don’t mind going to classes with him.”

“Really?” Alex asked.

“Yeah, darlin’, no problem,” Thomas finished his breakfast, then went to turn on the heating in the pool, before going to see if Philip was getting dressed alright.

Once he left, Alex softly smiled: “You’ve raised him well, I’m so lucky.”

“Glad to hear that,” Jane replied, she knew what the complement meant to both of them and she respected him for it.

They continued to eat breakfast while making small talk and waved at Philip and Thomas as they passed. Philip was clad in his pirate swim trunks and Thomas was carrying a pool noodle.

Alex helped with the dishes, before Jane checked if he was okay with seeing water and they sat down by the pool to watch Thomas teach Philip how to swim. And to the sounds of Thomas telling Philip to make pancakes with his arms and legs, they talked.

It was strange how easy it was to talk to Jane. The way she talked was different to Thomas, less confrontational and more running commentary on things along with vague statements that could be seen as threatening or judgement, but it made Alex comfortable.

Sure, he could talk circles around people, went to law school and had an affinity for literature which had given him a huge vocabulary, but he didn’t like being proper. And Jane allowed him to feel like he didn’t have to be proper, just polite and kind.

When lunch rolled around Philip and Thomas joined them, both still dripping but smiling. Biting into a sandwich, Thomas asked: “When are the others getting here?”

“Randy said he’d be here Wednesday and Mary said she’ll be coming the day after that,” Jane said, as she handed Philip a juice box and asked him: “You’ve been enjoying the pool?”

“Yeah, I can swim for a bit now, but then Da has to come hold me again or I’ll sink, but I can hold my breath very good,” Philip replied, “I also jumped into the pool. Did you see me jump?”

“We did, Pip.”

“It looked very cool, Philly.”

“The water did a big splash and I opened my eyes when I was underwater and everything is blue and shifty,” Pip grinned, “But it does hurt my eyes a bit.”

“Maybe don’t open your eyes too much underwater, Pip,” Alex said, frowning slightly.

“Yeah, if you want to see underwater we have goggles,” Thomas agreed.

“Can I see underwater!” Pip exclaimed.

“After lunch,” Alex told him, all chuckling when Philip started munching on his sandwich at record speed.

When Philip and Thomas got back into the water again, Jane picked up a book, but Alex couldn't bring himself to put his attention fully into something else while Pip was in the water. He trusted Thomas to ensure Philip was safe, but just in case, he kept watching, just enjoying their laughter and the sun on his face.

Alex could see why Thomas had waxed so much poetry about Monticello. It was absolutely beautiful and the atmosphere felt like a Studio Ghiblimovie.

He told Thomas as much when they were sitting on the porch together that night after Pip and Jane had both gone to sleep already. Thomas smiled: “Yeah, running around here made me perhaps a bit snobbier than necessary.”

“Not a city person when you were little?” Alex smirked, watching as Sir Poof jumped on Thomas’s lap and his hand came up automatically to pet the cat.

“Nah, much rather run around in the forest on my own,” Thomas smiled, “Though I can appreciate the anonymity of a city, everyone around here knows each other.”

“Yeah, I can get that,” Alex said, before both fell silent. Looking up Alex saw the stars, he hadn’t seen a sky so clear since he left Caribbean. He pointed at some stars and said: “That’s Lyra, a constellation related to the Orpheus myth.”

“Really?” Thomas raised an arm.

Alex nodded and leaned against Thomas’s side as the arm came to rest around him as he explained: “It’s supposed to be his lyre.”

“Tell me more?” and Alex did until they were nearly falling asleep on the porch.

The next few days passed by in quite a similar fashion, until Randy came. They were waiting for him on the porch like Jane had done for them when a car came up the driveway. Out the car came a young man with a big smile that made Alex think of Thomas, though he lacked eye crinkles. He grinned: “Hi, Ma, Tommy, who’ve you got there?”

“Randy! Still asking dumb questions I see,” Thomas grinned back, hugging the man, now identified as Randy.

“It’s called a hypothesis and it’s actually how you start research,” Randy shot back.

“Yeah, when you talk about plants it is, not people, dipshit,” Thomas told him.

“Could be in Psychology,” Randy smirked and Thomas took a breath to reply.

“Boys, enough, how about instead of squabbling, you actually introduce the people you’re talking about,” Jane interjected, then hugged Randy too, “Hi, sweetheart, how’ve you been?”

“Good, good, Ma,” Randy assured her, then stuck his hand out to Alex, “Randolph, call me Randy, I’m this one’s brother.”

“The youngest and a spoiled shit,” Thomas called out to Alex from where he was getting one of the bags from the car.

“Alex,” Alex introduced himself, “And this here is Philip, my son. Wanna introduce yourself, buddy?”

It seemed like Randy only noticed Philip now. The kid had been studying this new person for a while, and now he said: “I’m Philip, Philip Hamilton, nice to meet you. Are you related to Da? You look like him.”

“Nice to meet you too, kid,” Randy shook Philip’s hand, “I’m Randy and I’m your Da’s brother,” he looked amused when he referred to Thomas as Da, “Which makes me your Uncle, I think.”

“Cool, where did you come from?” Philip said and that was that.

“College,” Randy chuckled,“When did you pick up this kid, he’s great.”

“Around the same time as my boyfriend, don’t corrupt him. Now help with your own luggage,” Thomas handed him a bag.

It was a bit of a bustle to get everyone inside and Randy’s luggage to his room, but soon they were sitting at the table while Philip was playing with some Lego’s in the next room. They had been talking for a bit when Randy said: “So, you’re the mysterious boyfriend I’ve heard about. All sorts of things coming down the grapevine.”

“Randy,” Thomas said warningly.

“No, nothing bad, it’s just that you’ve not been telling anyone but Ma very much, so there has been speculation,” Randy shrugged, “Can’t I get to know the man who stole your heart.”

“You’re like twelve, you have no rights to know anything,” Thomas told him.

“I’m twenty-two and you know that, dick.”

“I didn’t know I was a mystery to your family,” Alex decided to side with Randy just to mess with Thomas, “You’ve been keeping secrets about me?”

“Believe me, it’s for your own good,” Thomas said, “Otherwise you might have the whole household on you. I have two older sisters and they are scary, not to mention the whole army of siblings who can otherwise get you.”

“Now I feel like I should be scared.”

Randy’s ‘you should’ was interrupted by Jane, who told him: “They’re overreacting. Mary and Jane can be a bit protective to the extreme, I know I raised them. They know what to do.”

“Ah,” that wasn’t very comforting, Alex thought.

“You will have nothing to worry about if they like you,” Randy assured him, “So, how did you two meet?”

“Work, actually,” Alex answered, “We work in the same department.”

“You hated me,” Thomas said.

“Lies and slander,” Alex refuted, knowing full well that it was a bit of a lie.

“You once told me that everything I did was bound to be stupid, because it came from a brain so backwards and illogical as mine and then you called me Jeffershit,” Thomas recounted, not at all feeling guilty about throwing his boyfriend under the bus.

“And I might have meant that, but that doesn’t take away the fact that you once referred to me as ‘an idiot lapdog boy, who didn’t know good opinions if it hit me in the face.’ You’re not innocent here and don’t think you can pretend to be,” Alex shot back.

“Maybe so, but at that time you were insufferable,” Thomas pouted, “And you still have pretty shitty opinions on company policy, and in general about stuff like bagels.”

“While you think red velvet cake is not just chocolate cake with food coloring, you’re opinions are also shit,” Alex informed him, “Besides, who the fuck thinks that having separate budgets within the same branch are smart.”

“I do,” Thomas said, before explaining in detail why he did, which of course caused Alex to retaliate.

Randy looked at his Ma and whispered: “There’s another Thomas, I didn’t think people like Tommy existed.”

“It’s strange what a partner can do to a shy kid, you missed that part,” Jane sighed fondly, she remembered who firstgot Thomas talking like that all those years ago. Then she clapped her hands, shutting them up.

“What got you talking?” Randy asked, “Like normal people, I mean.”

Both had the decency to look sheepish, before Thomas answered: “Philip. Alex had to bring him to work one day and it makes you see people differently.”

Alex was glad he hadn’t mentioned what exactly tied them together. Dead spouses wasn’t exactly great conversation material. He just agreed: “Yeah, Thomas is great with kids, never imagined that before I saw him talking with Pip.”

“He seems a good kid, what’s he like?” Randy asked.

“Philip loves drawing and he has a big personality. He’s a talker.”

“He has the last part from Alex,” Thomas interjected.

“Yeah, he has, he has a big imagination and he likes telling stories,” Alex gave Thomas that, his talking had definitely influenced Philip, “I think it’s good for him to express himself.”

Jane was with him on that: “I can definitely see that working. He’s not afraid to talk his mind, has a lot to say, him. Better to let him learn talking and standing up for himself now.”

“Exactly,” Alex smiled, “But what do you do, Randy?”

They talked about Randy’s biology studies, college stories and more until it was time for dinner. Thomas had offered to cook, so he and Alex made shrimp rice.

The next morning was lazy as Philip explored the gardens. At one point he came in and asked: “Papa, I found floating flowers. How do they do that? Don’t they need ground to grow?”

“I don’t know, Pip, maybe we can look it up later,” Alex replied.

“You must be talking about the water lily’s” Randy interjected, “Some plants are made for water, they’re water plants, but they still have roots. I can show you, if you’d like.”

“You’d want that, Uncle Randy?” Pip asked excitedly, already bounding away.

“Yeah, sure, kid, lead the way.”

“Are you sure?” Alex didn’t want to impose on Thomas’s family when he and Philip were still new, “You don’t have to indulge him out of politeness.”

Randy waved his worries away: “I don’t mind, I finally have a nibling while I am old enough to manipulate into thinking biology is interesting.”

“That’s not an ethical motivation, Randy,” Thomas told him.

“I feel like it’s ethically substantiated to want to teach kids about nature, Mr. Nag,” Randy stuck out his tongue.

“Whatever helps you sleep at night,” Thomas called after him, mumbling: “Fucking college making him think he’s so smart. I went to college too, you know.”

“Doing good, mopey?” Alex teased.

“Don’t be mean to me, ‘Lexi,” Thomas pouted, “Not you too, you’re supposed to be on my side here, do you know that?”

“Looks to me like you’re jealous you don’t have all of Pip’s attention here,” Alex wrapped his arms around Thomas’s back, failing in putting his chin on his shoulder, “I had to learn that with all his Aunties and Uncles, sometimes you’re not number one.”

“‘M not jealous,” Thomas turned around in his grip and looked down.

“Sure.”

“Watch it, or I’m calling Laf and telling him he’s again being replaced as the best Uncle,” Thomas warned.

“You wouldn’t,” Alex gasped, scandalized.

“Try me,” Thomas shot back, kissing Alex’s nose.

Alex hummed and didn’t dignify the threat with a response, instead just melting against Thomas’s chest. Thomas replied by resting his chin on Alex’s head and just holding him, swaying them gently in the middle of the kitchen.

They stood there for a while, before they heard Jane call out to them: “Boys, Mary is driving down right now,” before they heard her yell, “Randy, come back here with Philly. And don’t go into those bushes, the roses are new.”

Then they heard the sound of tires on the gravel. They made they way to the porch to see a family van make its way to the house. A woman with lilac braids stepped out the car and opened one of the back doors as she told the two girls in the back seat to go say hi to Mawmaw.

The two girls had matching sun dresses, one in yellow the other in blue and their hair was tied in buns with matching scrunchies.

“Mawmaw! Mawmaw!” they yelled as they came running to the people on the porch.

“Hey there, pumpkins, how was the drive over?” Jane asked, hugging the both of them tightly.

“It was okay, Kitty was being boring though,” the one in blue said.

“I was reading that’s not boring,” the other, probably Kitty, frowned.

“It was for me.”

Kitty stuck her tongue out at that, which the other, probably Francie, graciously returned.

“Come on, ladies. No fighting. I haven’t seen you in forever,” Thomas said, he looked them up and down, “My, my, you two have grown, you’ll be surpassing me the next time I blink.”

That was a fat lie, naturally, since Thomas was obscenely large and the two girls were barely ten, but that didn’t stop them from giggling as they jumped into his arms, squealing: “Uncle Thomas, you came!”

“Heya, girlies,” Thomas kissed both on the cheek, before setting them down.

At that point they spotted Alex and turned to him, both big curious eyes. Francie asked: “Who’s that, Uncle Thomas?”

Thomas smiled and answered: “That is Alex, he’s my boyfriend. He and his son Philip are also staying, isn’t that fun?”

“Hi,” Alex waved to the kids, it wasn’t often that he had to interact with kids outside of Pip and he wasn’t really sure what the expectations were with nieces, since he’d never had any of them.

“You have pretty hair, can I braid it?” Francie asked.

“Uh, yeah, sure,” Alex agreed.

“Why are you so tiny?” Kitty asked.

“I- I don’t know, genetics, I suppose.”

“Let’s not all jump on him immediately,” Thomas saved him from two curious children.

“On who should my kids not jump, Tommy?” Mary had finished greeting her mother and getting their stuff to the porch and now finally turned to her brother and who he had brought with them. She extended her hand: “Mary Jefferson.”

“Alex, Alex Hamilton,” Alex shook it, glad to have something to do with his hands for a second.

“I heard Ma mention the name, you must be the boyfriend,” she smiled and Alex noted she had the same perfect teeth as Thomas, along with the full lips.

“Yeah, that’d be me,” Alex huffed out a laugh.

“Ma said you had a kid, bit younger than mine?”

Alex nodded: “Yeah, Philip, he’s six. He was out with Randy exploring the garden,” he looked over to the rose bushes and saw that two figures were moving their way, but they still had a bit to go since it was a big yard, “There they are,” he pointed them out.

Mary looked over and rolled her eyes: “Typical Randy rolling in the dirt like a kid.”

“How have you all been, Mary,” Thomas hugged his sister, it was funny how on her heels she was slightly taller than him, that rarely happened, “Everything alright with the kids?”

“Of course, of course,” she kissed his cheeks, “You? Domesticity suiting you?”

“Surprisingly more than expected,” he replied.

“Are you and Alex married?” Francie asked.

“No, Francie, but we are together,” Thomas explained.

“You can do that?”

“If you want, any relationship that all people involved agree on, can,” Alex said, unable to let the opportunity to teach the girl about queer relationships and concent pass him by.

“Cool,” Francie nodded.

At that point Randy and Philip arrived at the porch. Randy greeted his older sister a bit less warmly than Thomas had, before quickly hugging his nieces and saying hello. The two seemed less enthusiastic about seeing Randy than Thomas, but still excited.

Alex nudged Philip to introduce himself, so he stuck his hand out to the two older girls and said: “Hi, I’m Philip, Philip Hamilton, it’s nice to meet you.”

The two turned to him and said: “I’m Kitty.” “And I’m Francie. You’re tiny.”

“I’m plenty big, just need to grow a bit,” Philip protested.

“Hey now, girls, be nice. He’s younger than you two,” Mary jumped in, before introducing herself to Philip: “Hi, Philip, I’m Mary. I’m Thomas’s older sister.”

“You don’t look older than Da,” Philip said, “He has more lines on his forehead.”

Mary chuckled: “That’s very sweet of you to say, little man.”

Thomas looked to Alex and rubbed his forehead as he mouthed: “Lines?” but Alex just laughed at him and whispered back: “You frown when you read,” at that Thomas frowned, which made Alex laugh again.

“Do you know how to play Ludo?” Francie asked.

“What is that?” Philip asked in return.

“It’s a board game, we can teach it to you,” Kitty smiled, taking his hand.

“Be nice to him,” Mary called after them as they ran away, while Alex yelled: “Play nice.”

Both looked at each other and smiled, before Jane interrupted: “Well, these bags aren’t going to carry themselves into the house, come on.”

Randy and Thomas carried a part of the luggage, while Alex offered to carry the rest so that Jane and Mary could catch up a bit.

On his way back to the seating area, he checked the room the kids had disappeared into and saw the three kids sitting around the board with Pip sticking out his tongue in concentration while the twins were pointing at the board and telling him something.

Entering where the others were he said: “Seems like the kids are getting along.”

“Ah, that’s good, the twins can be a bit much,” Mary replied.

“Well, Pip is used to a bit much,” Alex assured her.

“Big family?”

“Kind of?” Alex replied, “None related, but considered as good as.”

Mary hummed as she nodded. She watched as Alex took a seat, watching him carefully and seemingly sizing him up. Once he was seated, she asked: “What makes you think you deserve my brother?”

“Not you too, Mary,” Thomas whined, facepalming the table.

“I am your older sister and in case you have forgotten I was there when you were a shy anxious highschooler, so sorry for not wanting someone to take advantage of you,” she huffed.

“You almost scared Martha off, I hope you know that,” Thomas told her.

“And the fact that Ididn’t, proved her character,” Mary shot back, not backing down, “So, Alex, tell me.”

Alex had been warned about Thomas’s sisters, so he had been preparing a bit of a speech for this, though he hadn’t expected her to be so upfront about it nearly immediately after meeting him.

“I think I could give you the expected spiel about how I love him and treasure my time with him and hope to take care of him as he does me for as long as he’ll have me,” Alex began, “however, I’m not sure if you’ll believe me, no matter how much I mean every word.”

Mary looked confused, but let him talk.

“So, instead I’m going to be honest and say that it is unknown to me why I deserve him,” he told her, “I have a few things I know. I know I love him, I know he makes me happy, I know I picture my future with him, but I have no control over most things. But I don’t know why I am given that chance to be with him, I just know that I will try to be the best I can, so that one day I am the person that deserves him.”

It was quiet at the table. Alex was sweating slightly and grabbed Thomas’s hand under the table for comfort, which Thomas took and squeezed.

After a while Mary had turned over his words enough to form a verdict. Her impassive face split into a grin: “That’s good to hear, I like honest people.”

Alex let out an audible breath and everyone at the table laughed at him, but he just laughed along. It didn’t feel mean, it was a joyous moment. A family moment.

They found that Alex and Mary actually had a lot in common, both had gone to Columbia University with Alex starting around the timeMary graduated. Both had studied law and apparently they had lived in the same dorm building.

When they had bonded, Mary pulled out some pictures of younger Thomas on her phone, which was Jane’s cue to grab photo albums.

Thomas protested heavily, but he could not escape from the stories of him nearly falling of the podium during graduation or the baby pictures of him in overalls or dressed up as Frodo for his first Halloween with Martha.

He was only saved by the kids coming running in asking for drawing supplies, apparently done with Ludo. So Alex had to get up to go get those for them.

Randy had kept to the background for most of the previous conversation, but he joined in again when they started talking the news and when Jane started to catch up the two of them on the local gossip as well.

They broke off in smaller conversations after that, with Thomas and Randy discussing one of Randy’s courses, while Jane, Mary and Alex were swapping more embarrassing stories about Thomas.

When it was time to cook, Jane got up and stated: “I’m going to start on dinner, there’s a lot of vegetable cutting to be done.”

“I’ll help you, Ma,” Mary got up as well, she got up and turned back to Alex and offered, “Want to help as well, Alex?”

Alex remembered Thomas telling him that Jane inviting Philip to help with the cooking was a huge compliment, so Alex assumed it would be the same for him. He got up and smiled: “Yeah, I’d love to.”

“Great,” Mary sounded like he’d passed a test.

Dinner was served a while later and the three kids came running in, excitement among them as if they had known each other all of their lives, the friend making skill only little kids possessed. They showed off their drawings.

Philip had drawn a dragon on what looked to be Monticello itself, while Francie had rainbows with a pony and Kitty had drawn a dolphin and a boy near a cave like in Hylas, the book she was reading.

Alex noted that all of Philip’s drawing he did had paid off and his drawing was pretty good even compared to the ones of the older girls.

After dinner, Alex and Thomas did the dishes together, before Alex went to tuck Philip in. When he sat on his bed, with Philip fully dressed for bed and ready, he asked: “Have you been enjoying your time here? Are you having fun?”

“Yes, Papa,” Philip answered, “There is so much to explore and the gardens are huge and Uncle Randy showed me all sorts of plants and bugs and Sir Poof is soft even though he runs sometimesand Kitty and Francie are fun and they taught me how to play Ludo.”

“Yeah?”

“Hmhm,” Philip hummed in affirmation, “And Mawmaw Jane makes great food, she gives me cookies, but I’m not supposed to tell.”

“Well, then I haven’t heard a thing,” Alex promised, deciding to let Philip have that.

Martha Washington was a great lady, but since Alex worked for Washington they hadn’t been there often to keep it seperate, while Mrs. Schuyler had enough other grandchildren to only see Philip on parties where she did dote on him too. So, Jane was the closest thing that Philip would have to a grandmother and Alex would let him have the entire experience.

“That’s good, ‘s supposed to be a secret,” Philip said, yawning slightly.

“I’m glad you’re having fun, Pip,” Alex said softly, “Sleep tight.”

Philip grabbed his hand and asked: “Can you tell me a story?”

“Of course. What sort of story would you like?” Alex asked.

“Can you tell me about Daddy, you said he had a big house like this once, did you ever see it?” Philip replied.

Alex remembered the big house, where he had been not even for half an hour before the screaming had driven them away and the miserable look John got when he talked about it.

“I never saw Daddy’s house,” he finally decided on lying to Pip, now was not the time to explain that to him, so he spun a tale, “He told me it was haunted.”

“Really?” Philip asked.

“Yeah, you Daddy fought against the ghost of the painting once,” Alex told him, “Would you like to hear the story?”

Philip nodded quickly and Alex laughed: “Well, it started long ago, before me or your Daddy was ever born, with a man, who bought a painting…”

Alex talked about the man in the painting and the supposed fight John had had with it until Philip had fallen asleep, before he retreated to the opposite room that he and Thomas shared. They had decided to make it an early night after everything and Alex was glad for it, he was exhausted after all the family impressing he had done.

They crawled into bed and were lying next to each other when Alex spoke up: “There seemed to be a bit of a disconnect between Randy and Mary and the twins. Did something happen there?”

“Not really,” Thomas said, “Just that when Randy was born, I was sixteen, but Mary is a few years older, she had already moved on. So, they never really grew up as siblings, me and Randy are closer because we were the only two boys in the family until Mary got married.”

“Ah, I see,” Alex could understand that, “And with the twins?”

“It’s weird to become an Uncle at twelve, never really happened,” Thomas shrugged.

“You think they like me?” Alex asked, rolling into Thomas’s arms.

Thomas kissed the top of his head and replied: “You’re practically guaranteed a spot in the family by now.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, Mary is the family sister. Jane might be the oldest, but she’s a business woman, when it comes to finances they listen to Jane, but family- that’s Mary’s area, if she likes you, everyone likes you,” Thomas explained, “Especially since Ma already likes you too.”

“So no more heartfelt speeches,” Alex grinned.

“No more heartfelt speeches,” Thomas promised.

“You’re so fucking lucky the people who would force you to do that from my side already knew you, you bastard,” Alex informed him.

“Yeah?” Thomas asked.

“Jup, you have Angie, Laf and Washington, and maybe Eliza if she thought you were shady, but Angie already vouched for you,” Alex pointed out.

Thomas was quiet, then he said: “Holy fuck, I would have been dead otherwise.”

Alex snorted: “Glad you see your luck,” then snuggled up close to sleep, content in now familiar warm arms.

~~~~~~~~~~

A/N:

Fun Fact: my great uncle taught me how to swim with pancakes, I was also horrible at swimming, but those aren’t really related. Anyway, fuck water and shout out to that time my sister almost killed me by pushing me into the water.

(yall I was so stuck on this that I did a tarot reading for myself to help understand why I was floundering, this chapter was a struggle)

I also want y’all to note how Thomas never told any of his family members that Alex is trans, because that is not his to share. This whole fic is actually a set up for this specific PSA, I tricked you (/joking). Anyways, don’t randomly out your trans friends, it’s shitty to do so.

[musingsofaperpetualdaydreamer]

THIS HAS GONE TOO FAR.

You don’t have to agree with what I’m about to say, you’re allowed to have your own feelings and opinion, this is just my post reflection re-examined take not just as a black fan but as human in general but I hope it gives you a new perspective. I’ve been thinking about this whole situation and wanting to see if there’s something I’m missing because something feels badly wrong and I just can’t shake it. 

I think what genuinely started off as respectful constructive criticism has now become people nitpicking on a whole new level and some people just being flat out hateful. I’m talking DEMONIC level vile and twisting things to fit some messed up agenda they have. To be honest some non black or poc fans seem more upset about this situation than black fans themselves. I feel like this whole thing has now gotten out of hand and taken a lot of focus off the movement that could honestly be a lot better spent.

The class of 2020 video I felt was her just trying to be light hearted and connect with people who yes, many are going through a difficult time, but their graduation was supposed to be a really happy day. She was bullied a lot in school, so graduation must’ve been something she held on to during dark times and looked forward to to give her hope. Then she never got to fulfil the ending she imagined but she celebrated in her own way with her mum who was her rock the whole time in a not so glamorous setting but she was happy. So I think she just wanted to make them feel better and focus on the positives. Which I thought was nice of her. Taylor’s going through her own difficulties also. I didn’t see it as her trying to trivialise what other people may be going through at all. What did you want her to do? I’m pretty sure if she took a focus on the serious issues approach you’d say she’s being too negative or it wouldn’t be right in some other way.

As for the BLM situation, I too wished she’d do more and felt she had so much potential to still do better. I wrote a whole rambly post explaining my feelings. Here’s my original post for reference: https://musingsofaperpetualdaydreamer.tumblr.com/post/620145959803961344/maybe-i-am-stupid-for-feeling-this-hurt-and-its

After taking some time to think about it, I’ve come to some realisations that have given me a new perspective. Do I think that Taylor could still do better? Yes she has lots of potential to improve. But what is better? Who gets to decide what level of better is enough? What I’ve come to realise is though I think a lot of people are genuinely coming from a place of love, we’re holding Taylor to an unfair standard. Before you get all outraged just hear me out.

Like I said in my original post I think most of us feel this is odd and confusing for the same reasons. In any case, I think our special bond with her is the major part of why we’re holding her to this high standard. The fan/celebrity dynamic can be incredibly toxic for both parties. She’s grateful for her fans and goes above and beyond the norm to really make us all feel special and loved, like we’re friends almost. But the truth is, fan love can be very toxic and in reality she’ll never be able to love us back the way we love her or want her to. Not because she doesn’t care enough to but the very nature of our relationship makes it impossible to do so because this relationship is an unnatural one.

Essentially she is one human who is and or does something we like (ie. make music), that we often also attach our own super meaningful significances and emotion to. So it’s more than just what they are/do it’s also what that means to us. We are over a million individual STRANGERS who obsess and sort of stalk her in a socially acceptable way (for the most part) and we love her and believe we’re special to her because she approves and acknowledges and interacts with us as a collective group through posts online and during in person events. But because we also feel that we love her in our own unique way as individuals distinct from the group and have our own ‘love story’ with her, we believe we all have a unique special bond with her. Logically we know we are just a stranger but emotionally I guess deep down we crave that love being reciprocated as an individual. We don’t just want to be loved as a collective, we want to be special to her, we want to let her know how much we love her and have her listen to our thoughts/feelings and essentially feel like her friend and for us to tell us personally she loves and appreciates us back or to praise or validate our displays of love in some way.

Without meaning to we can often put her on a pedestal. She is our perfect idol, queen of whatever safe haven we’ve created in ‘her magical world’ we escape to. We love and defend her. In some cases it almost becomes like borderline worship. We would do anything for her or anything to feel close to her no matter how humiliating or whatever the cost, because it’s for her she is our everything and no one could understand your love, they just don’t get it. Who cares if you look crazy, love is crazy right? We obsessively learn facts about her as a way to feel closer. Or save up for ages just to buy objects she sells or pay to be in her presence for an hour or two. Those who get to meet her report back to the group details which would be viewed as incredibly creepy outside the context of fan/celebrity, like what does she smell like, how long you remember her holding your hand for in seconds, the instant you saw her you fell on the floor overcome with emotion and ugly cried, despite this being your first time ever meeting her, so you are again likely a literal stranger to her, you profess your love and proceed to tell her your deepest darkest and most intimate thoughts, feelings, life traumas and secrets and want her to be completely chill and loving and instantly say something beautiful and profound in response to treasure forever. The group fawn over you when you return, you become a chosen one, the chosen elite are specially selected and invited to her home (the HIGHEST honour) where she shares her work with you before anyone, you then have a secret to keep because she trusts you and loves you.

Human beings cannot form deep intimate friendships with over a million people. It’s just not possible. She will never be our friend friend, but the closest thing we have is her momentarily acknowledging our existence. We know this and so it becomes a competition for her attention. This kind of one sided love and weird relationship dynamic, allows us to more easily tap into the darker sometimes more destructive sides of love; obsession, jealousy, rage, neediness, possessiveness. I’m not saying this to make fun of anyone (trust me, I have humiliated myself in ways as fangirl especially as a teen that continue to haunt me to this day), I just wanted to give you a very literal description of our relationship with her so you’ll understand my point that our relationship is unnatural.

We would say we love Taylor like a friend, but when you’re a fan you don’t really. Not because you don’t know enough about her or she doesn’t talk to you enough but for the very nature of what I explained above, she may mean something to us but to her we are literally strangers. Besides, imagine a good friend of yours right now, imagine doing everything you do for Taylor for your friend. Put pictures of them all over your bedroom wall, frame a tissue they touched, make web pages dedicated to them, wearing clothing with their face on it. Yeah, there’s a high chance they’d get a restraining order against you.

From Taylor’s perspective it must be incredibly strange. She’s said she often feels like she’s in a fish bowl. Well what we essentially do is all smoosh our faces against the glass and repeatedly tap it to get the attention of the pretty fish (Taylor). Every time it comes out of the little castle in the bowl, the frenzy begins. Could you imagine what it must feel like to be her? All that attention? All those people pinning all their expectations hopes and dreams on you. Thousands of people making you their sanctuary and safety comforter so if you did something to loose them their worlds would come crashing down. That’s an insane amount of pressure. It must be genuinely terrifying. 

Taylor said she struggles with wanting to keep everybody happy and giving too much of herself to do so, she’s a perfectionist and hates letting people down or she beats herself up about it. I know she loves what she does, but at the same time it must be so exhausting and really drain you. She must read lots of really happy & silly posts, but then some might be people sharing really emotional things about a very difficult and dark time they’re going through, though we mean well when we share it, it must be really hard knowing that you can’t help them. I don’t even want to imagine the vile hate that she reads, because imagine how one hate comment makes us feel but she gets hundreds and sometimes it’s on magazines at the store so it follows her everywhere. She can’t even go outside to do regular human things without the risk of getting mobbed or just knowing everyone’s staring at her and watching her every move. Look how we all hate being trapped at home because everywhere we go outside is dangerous due to COVID-19. It’s a huge amount to take in and process emotionally.

Sometimes I think she research’s people before she meets them, not just because she cares, but for her own sanity and to make it less strange. So the interaction can be more normal. She seems to really like reading people just talking about their ordinary life, day to day things because her life is far from normal. But she meets us like a conveyer belt, people that she makes a connection with and then they get taken away and she’ll never get to meet them again. When she wants to see someone again, people get upset because why aren’t they getting a chance to get picked or that person had already met her, but they don’t think about how Taylor feels because maybe she likes that person and wants to talk to them again. We think her life is incredibly privileged and yes she’s incredibly smart and knows how to handle her career but in reality in a lot of ways it must be so maddening, sad and lonely because human beings were not designed to live this way. “And they tell you that you’re lucky but you’re so confused, ‘cause you don’t feel pretty you just feel used.”

It’s okay to be a fan of someone or look up to them or connect and find meaning with them and their work. As long as it’s done in a healthy way. We need to really work on that or we’re really going to hurt her more than we have. For Taylor to live the life she does, you have to develop really thick skin or turn to things to just numb everything, I see how celebrities end up with addiction problems or suddenly acting out because they can’t cope anymore. You have to learn to shut it out to survive. We made her our comfort blanket that we’d find it hard to live without. So we want her to behave in a way that we approve, not just because we want her to be her best self but also because we struggle to think how we’d cope without her. But we have to remember she’s human just like us. She’s going to make mistakes, not always be her best self, have bad days. Just because she might have more money or more people that know her doesn’t make her magically stop being human. She goes through life like everyone else. It’s healthy to give her constructive criticism but we have to watch the tone in which we say things. I’m not saying we baby her but we have to remember unnatural dynamic we have. It’s not just a few posts, it ends up being thunderously loud because it’s thousands or more than a million people saying the same thing. Social media makes you forget you’re talking to a human being because you can’t see their face or their reaction to how your words are impacting them. Sometimes you can’t shut it out and to her it must feel like a million people are suddenly very angry or disappointed with you and are going to take their love away. Because I guess in a way she becomes attached to us also. You don’t stop caring no matter what people say, you’re human. Remember how it feels when one person you love is disappointed or angry with you. Now amplify that. Mentally that’s...wow. I feel so so bad for her because I honestly don’t know how she copes and does this so well. This could all really send someone over the edge and we’ve seen it happen. We’ve gotten a tiny glimpse into how badly it can affect her. I’m glad she has an amazing family, Joe and true friends who are there for her but God only how she copes behind closed doors.

This fandom sometimes reaches an ugly level of entitlement because the truth is she has spoiled us. We expect things that we shouldn’t expect because she gives us more attention and puts more effort into making all of us feel special than we deserve. I can’t believe after everything she’s ever done, people would think it was all a lie. Mess up one time and everything you did was fake? People who are fake mess up, especially when things aren’t going their way or to plan and they snap and reveal what they’re really like. She’s been through so many trials time and time again and proven her character. Come on, we know who she is. Like all humans she might not be perfect but she is truly good person and she has a good heart and a pure beautiful soul. She’d have to be an insanely good actress and dedicate a huge amount of time to planning all of these lies. You guys have met her, you’ve seen how good she is at connecting with people instantly. She’s warm and loving and even the cats love her as much as she loves them. For someone who has so much money, she seems to enjoy the simple things in life the most and making everyone happy and she’s so humble. I think a lot of that is also in part to the people around her who keep her grounded. 

Anyhow, that black and white thinking of you are either all good or you’re all bad, is so immature and dangerous, because people are more complicated than that because we’re not simply one thing. Which one of us is a perfect person that has never made a mistake or let people down? Ever made a resolution that you stuck to or you needed more time to work on, or were just unsure how to begin or feel overwhelmed? Exactly. I know a lot of us came from a place of love, we don’t hate her at all we just wanted her to do better. And we’ve come up with all kinds of conspiracies of why she doesn’t want to post more because we feel that this doesn’t match the Taylor that we know in our hearts that she is. 

We need to stop judging and shaming each other. Virtue signalling for the sake of looking woke and outrage culture needs to end because it honestly does more harm than good. I’ve seen it become like dangerous mob behaviour and people get hurt. We all learn at our own pace and handle things in our own way and prefer helping in our own preferred ways. Don’t always assume the worst about people. Like I said, social media isn’t the be all and end of everything. Just because you don’t post about it doesn’t mean you don’t care. You could be doing lots of things offline to help that could be really impactful. Often times these can have huge meaningful long term impact, because we literally don’t live inside the internet. Humans connecting with each other in the real world as nature intended us to be is actually super important. I think a lot of problems could be resolved by people logging off the internet and talking to each other in person; people say things behind a screen that they wouldn’t in real life or may regret because it’s easier to not access empathy and not view the person you’re talking to as human this way. It’s good to take your own time to properly think about things before you just open your mouth. Besides everyone starts somewhere. 

There’s lots of really graphic stuff online at the moment and even I had to take a break. Someone not being black doesn’t mean they don’t need to care for their mental health or don’t get affected. The virus has been really hard on a lot of us in many ways, it can infect anyone and honestly all the panic and doom and uncertainty starts to really get to you after a while and sometime’s you just have to disconnect. Her mother is very vulnerable and Taylor is a human with feelings. You have to fill up your own cup before you can pour into other people’s. We need to be kinder to each other, you never know what someone is going through or what their circumstances are. It might not always be safe for someone to speak out publicly, it’s often more complicated than we think. We know white supremacist groups have made Taylor a focus before, maybe her recent activity could make her a target and put her in a lot danger. I pray not and that she and everyone she loves is safe. 

We have to remember to try and have empathy for her and not look at her as just Taylor with the huge fan base, but Taylor the human being. We all have our flaws. Her mother is really gravely ill. I know lots of you will be like so? that’s not an excuse. But I think we all need to examine who we’ve allowed ourselves to become because that’s such a gross attitude and we’re not being fair with her. Her mum is her best friend and the most important person who comforts her and is her source of security and stability. She means so much to her, she’s her mum. We too should care about her mum because she’s been such an angel to us as fans and is a pure bright light in this world. Remember soon you’ll get better? That broke my heart. God only knows how Taylor is coping with all of that, the scrutiny of fame, the pandemic and whatever threats she could have received. If you’ve ever had someone you love go through something like this, you know how hard it can be, how helpless you can feel and how your head might not always be in the right space. Every second with them is precious because things genuinely change in an instant and you could suddenly lose them. Imagine your own darkest moment. Maybe given her circumstances that’s the best she can do right now. It’s not our place to judge her. 

Why can’t she get her team to simply post for her? I imagine she’d rather do it and select things herself given the sensitive important nature of this cause (it’s not like merch promo) or else we’d then start to question everything else. She would make headlines for anything she did. It would draw attention to her and could put her family in more danger. Remember how her dad was so afraid for her? Well I don’t think any added stress is what her family needs with her sick mother in the midst of a global pandemic. When does Taylor get a break from everyone and just get a second to look after herself? We can wish but we cannot demand that she come and explain to console us. We are not her responsibility. 

I’ve noticed she’s been different the past few months. She doesn’t look like herself in the pictures she’s posted, she just looks blank and this whole situation has felt very off and I’ve really worried something was wrong. Watching that class 2020 video Idk you might think I’m crazy but it genuinely sounded like she was holding in tears and she looked sad. Like she was somewhere else when she was talking but forcing herself to look happy. Just because she may look like she’s holding it together doesn’t mean she actually is. My heart is broken for her and I pray for her and her loved ones. Go back and watch it yourself. 

We all need to really reflect and deeply think about how our actions can affect others and take a long hard look at the people we have become and ask ourselves if this is who we really want to be, myself included. You can still have your own feelings and opinions on this situation but I really hope this helps you see a new perspective. We have to remember there are multiple injustices and hardships going on all over the world at once. We need to check our pride and our egos and humble ourselves. Be less judgmental and more empathetic. Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. 

Taylor if you’re reading this (I know the chances are teensy), I’m genuinely so sorry. I hope you and your loved ones are safe and well. I love you so so much and I’ll keep you and your family in my prayers 💖

[sumpix]

The problem with pop psychology ~  Martha Gill

James Bond is not what he used to be. His motivations were once so simple: MI6 had told him to do it. Of late, though, he has been propelled about the screen by his inner demons, shooting people he’s not supposed to shoot, revisiting his childhood, collecting traumas, developing a mother-complex with Judi Dench. What makes Bond, Bond? Once, it didn’t matter, now it does. The next film, Bond girl Léa Seydoux has said, will be ‘even more psychological’.

The screen reflects the culture. Psychology, it seems, is what we want now. The stuff is simply everywhere. Imposter syndrome, projection, narcissism, Stockholm syndrome, triggering, boundaries, personality type, self-care — these terms now pepper the discourse. The same impulse which in recent years caused an academic to diagnose Mr Darcy with autism now impels people to identify each other as narcissists, or gaslighters, or enablers, or of being in denial.

The problem? For a start, we often get it wrong. Psychology and psychiatry are perfectly respectable fields and the terms I’ve just listed all refer to real things, but what bubbles to the surface, through non-scientists and on social media, are pet theories and cherry-picked studies, wielded by people with no idea what they’re talking about. And the trouble with that is that this semi-medical jargon is strangely powerful. When it enters debate, it shapes it.

To illustrate that power we don’t have to go much further back than the British government’s flirtation with ‘behavioral fatigue’. The idea, floated in March, was that locking down too soon would cause the public to get bored and start breaking the rules. The theory, experts wrote in the BMJ, had ‘no basis in behavioral science’, yet it became a major part of UK government strategy. Why?

Two explanations suggest themselves. First, that non-scientists don’t like to question science concepts in case they reveal their ignorance. Second, that we have an undue respect for, and fascination with, psychological ideas. Much space was given over to repeating the phrase ‘behavioral fatigue’ and explaining laboriously what it meant rather than presenting the evidence behind it. Psychology is now taken as a total explanation — the end of the story, the root of the mystery. Why probe any further?

The rise of pop psychology is doing something unhealthy to public debate, too. It introduces an uneasy power dynamic, that of patient and shrink. If, mid-argument, I diagnose myself with needing special consideration — I’m triggered, or traumatized — I can force my opponents to tiptoe around me, or shame them into retreat. I can even shut someone else out of the debate altogether if I consider it necessary for my ‘self-care’.

Much has been written about what those who claim themselves victims can do to free speech. But that’s only half the story: the power dynamic operates in the other direction too. If I diagnose you with a psychological issue, I can dismiss you. You may think you are putting forward a point of view but to me you are merely exhibiting symptoms. You have an opposing opinion to mine? You seem very angry and upset. Perhaps you should go for a walk. You snowflake.

That second tactic hurts free speech too. The habit of painting opponents as thin skinned, common among those who profess to love open debate, works to discredit them and thereby shut them out of the argument. Why give fair hearing to views driven by emotion rather than reason?

And in so far as promoting psychological jargon is ‘woke’ and therefore ‘of the left’, it is fairly self-defeating because it works to rebrand social and economic issues as individual medical ones. Dissatisfaction with the way things are becomes something for you and your doctor to sort out, not society. Demoralized at work? Don’t join a union, take citalopram. Feminist? Perhaps you’d be happier if you weren’t. It’s the sort of thinking that allows corporations to address employee problems with ‘wellness programs’ rather than reasonable hours and fair pay. The philosophy of the left, ‘change society’, is replaced with ‘change yourself’.

If turning the debating chamber into a therapist’s office is simply supposed to make everyone kinder and gentler, it doesn’t work either. In therapy, kindness and consideration only need to flow one way. The American author Fredrik de Boer has pointed out that there is an inherent contradiction in the self-care discourse, which proposes that everyone ‘asks for their needs to be met’, and is not ‘afraid to say no to others’. But what if one person is saying no to meeting another person’s needs? There’s no answer.

[van-whorenheim]

So I’ve been wanting to make a post comparing my two favorite characters because even though they’re VASTLY different, they also have a lot of parallels so strap in and get ready for a purely self indulgent post no one asked for.

I’m going to compare Daenerys Targaryen (GoT/ASOIAF) and Koga (InuYasha)

Blood of the Dragon/Blood of Wolves

So, Daenerys’ blood relation to dragons comes from the blood magic valyrians used to bond with their dragons, it doesn’t strictly have to do with being a Targaryen. Valyrians have been doing this for yeeeears before the Targaryens. Valyrians were very close to their dragons and were able to almost communicate through them. They created close bonds with their dragons and vice versa. A dragon chooses their rider and sticks with them until their rider dies, they will even attack others who try to replace their rider. Because of the fact that dragons live for a very long time, they will have more than one rider in their life time, but they will be fiercely loyal to them. The same goes for wolves, somewhat. Koga can be seen communicating with his wolves, even though it’s in a spoken language rather than barking. Although I think the very first instance we ‘hear’ him, he’s howling back to his wolves after hearing their distress call. Ginta and Hakkaku can be seen speaking to the wolves by barking and whining, but it was a filler episode. STILL! It’s enough. Sango also stated that “they may look human, but they’re no different than the wolves they command.” The Targaryens are no different than their Dragons just as the wolf demons are no different than their wolves.

Their Children/Family

If there’s something Daenerys is known for, its for her children. Daenerys being the mother of dragons is essential to her character arc/story. The world hadn’t seen dragons for hundreds of years and were thought to be extinct until she stepped into the burning funeral pyre and emerged with 3 dragons. Even though they’re technically not biologically hers, she birthed them and treat them as her own. She loves her children more than anything, and would do anything to protect them. Her mothering nature towards them never falters, even as they grew up to be the fiercesome beasts they’re fabled to be. She is also not only the mother of her children, but she is a mother to her people. She held Irri to her breast as she mourned the death of her brother, when she freed the slaves in Yunkai, they called her Mhysa (mother in old Ghiscari). Koga, on the other hand, is quite different. It’s not in the show but in the manga, right when we first meet him, he refers to his wolves as his “children” and “darlings” when Inuyasha and the gang are fighting him off. Now, I haven’t read different translations of the manga except for the one I have at home, but seeing this caught be off guard. It changed my whole perspective of him and how he handled the whole “killing humans” thing. I’m not giving Koga a pass for what he did, but I don’t think he did it because he hated humans. Demons have a general distaste for humans, that much is known, but when Inuyasha asked why he was doing this he said “they gotta eat.” He was only doing what he thought was best for his family. Could it be because humans were always a reliable source of food during the winter? And all around? Who knows. I just wished they kept that line in the show instead of him referring to them as his “underlings.” That line alone gives sooooooo much depth to his character and I will be forever mad about it.

How they react to the death of their loved ones

So Daenerys’ case is slightly different, and I’m going to ignore the absolute SHITTY writing of the last season. But to make it short, the reasoning for her burning kingslanding was the buildup of everything that had ever happened to her coming into fruition. Her father’s death (even though she knew he was evil), the life she had to live because of his death, the abuse from her brother, the death of her 2 children, the death of Missandei and Jorah, the treachery and betrayal of her followers, her claim being threatened because of a male bearing Targaryen blood (even though she’s a true Targaryen) etc. In that moment, she was sick and tired of everything, sick and tired of seeing people die all around her and seeing her followers (people who were once devoted to her) leave for a male ruler who didn’t want anything to do with the throne. She was mourning the death of her best friend and child and no one came to help her grieve. She was met with treachery and schemes. Everything was taken from her so she took everything back with fire and blood. Koga’s is slightly similar in the sense that it’s a buildup of all the death that has happened around him. When we see him talking to Kagome, you can see he’s already been affected by the deaths in his family from the birds of paradise, only to run into almost the entirety of his family slaughtered by someone he was starting to somewhat trust (even though it wasn’t InuYasha but he was covered in their blood). The ferocity and viciousness both of these characters exuded because of the death of their loved ones was a build up of all of that grief/trauma and frustration.

So that’s that lmao

Edit: y’all thought this was over nah bitch I forgot an important detail!

Taking what’s theirs

Daenerys grew up around shitty and pretentious men who thought they knew how to run a kingdom/city. Men who believed that they were right and that she was wrong (for obvious reasons). We see the first of these men being her brother Viserys, and then we see the men in Mereen, Astapor and Vaes Dothrak. Once she had built up confidence thanks to her followers, she took the realm AND her people from the ones who didn’t deserve it and weren’t fit to lead. It didn’t matter that she was a young woman. She took them because she could. Now in Koga’s case, I’m going based on the theory that he became the leader at such a young age due to the elders in the tribe being shitty (which is why I think he was so against marrying Ayame, other than the ‘lunar rainbow promise’ bullshit). Perhaps he had no rights to the leadership, perhaps he was considered weak by the elders. It didn’t matter. Both Daenerys and Koga had a vision for a better life under a better ruler, and the rulers were themselves. They both won through the love of their people and through blood.

OK THATS IT (I think)

[lovelessmako]

This is a demon/exophilia love story I've been working on that I thought I'd share here. If people seem to like it then I'll add more.

Ve

Chapter One:

Kivet laughed inwardly as blood and adrenaline rolled off his dark form in waves. The thrill of the chase. Watching a child cling to you, begging you to let them go as the light slowly leaves their eyes. This was what he was created for. He was a peacekeeper between the different species. It was his job to keep the status quo in any way possible. If that meant killing children because a fae dared to have a child with a human, then that was what he had to do. Afterall, mutts were incapable of kindness or love. Sure, they could fake it quite convincingly, even Kivert himself would've fallen for it had he not been taught the truth, but it was impossible for them to experience any pleasant emotions. If Kivet enjoyed his job then that was nobody's business but his own. Everyone needed to stick to their own people. Only the Ve, which he was, could leave their lands.

Sometimes people would send messengers to other species in order to broker peace. Kivet hated those. Scared, unarmed, diplomats with enough medals to make you go blind as they reflected the sun. They didn't deserve those. He always made sure nothing arrived and would leave a bloodied medal behind as a warning. He would keep the others, of course. They were rather good quality and he had quite the collection coming along. He had no idea what they stood for but surely he deserved them more than their original owners.

Kivet set to work wiping his claws off on a rag he kept in his pocket. He frowned slightly when he saw that the blood had reached there as well. So much for clean hands. He gave up and settled for sitting with his back against a tree and admiring his work. Even in their last moments, the two criminals had held each other and tried to shield the child. That's commitment, he'll give them that. Maybe they thought it would gain his sympathy. Dumb. It did make him a bit lonely though. If such scum found someone to play along with their ruse, then why was a hero forced to work alone? He wasn't forced per say, but his old partner had fallen for an orphaned mutt's tricks and had to be put down. It was unfortunate, Suvo was pretty good at his job. He had even told Kivet that what they were doing was wrong! Saving lifes is wrong? What an ass! No, he reminded himself, it was that mutt's fault. Suvo had younger siblings and the creature looked similar to one. Meanwhile, Kivet had never been around children except for when he was in school.

He gathered himself and started in to the nearest town. Kivet could use something to eat, and there were always mutts scatted about to kill. It was disturbing how many there were. Why do people insist on disobeying the natural order of things? The strangest part was how many purebreds supported the movement. The town wasn't too far of a walk, and his shadowy wings were still a bit sore from the long flight over, so he didn't mind walking. The land was nice enough, a dirt path with a small lake to the right and wilting forest to his left. There were some huts in groups of 3 or 4 every now and then; It seems the humans were not advanced enough to feel safe living alone yet. It made sense, they were a very fragile species, very easy to injure; even by accident. They also contracted illnesses often and usually died from them. And, even if they managed to be extremely careful, their lifespan was still very short. Most species told tales of these weak creatures and used them as examples of the good alliances between species would do. They were nothing more than figureheads, however. Something that would be cast aside when no longer needed.

Humans were the worst when it came to mutts. They found fae and elves to be attractive for some reason. He could see it from a procreation standpoint; every parent wants their children to be powerful. But what did the others gain? Maybe humans had special bonding rituals that they preformed in order to create children. That could be interesting. Not that it would ever be possible for a Ve, even if it was allowed. He was reminded of that time and time again as humans ran or hid from him. "Nightmare. Demon. Bad omen. Monster," he had heard it all.

This time, however, the humans seemed to be crowding around a figure on the ground. He hissed loudly, causing them to scatter and leave the body. He crouched nearby, not caring about the pool of blackened blood that was leaking from a bashed in skull. This was a Ve. A wing had been torn off along with their hands, likely for grizzly trophies. Something caught his eye behind their ear. Kivet yanked out the sharp object to see a steady, blinking, red light. A tracker. This wasn't a Ve that had gotten out of line and needed to be put down. They were hunted. He growled and glared around at the humans. No, not one of them. They were much too timid; many crying already. Entire towns had been decimated for less serious offenses.

If someone was hunting Ve then Kivet needed to be safe. While Ve normally had a solid form, they could take on a shadowy apperation that couldn't be harmed. Unfortunately they couldn't harm anyone either. An even trade off. It also took effort. Not a lot, but it would surely add up. He weighed his options. He couldn't eat while in that form so he would have to drop it for those moments. But waiting a few days to eat could help. It would be a lot easier if he had a partner that could help by taking turns keeping watch. But they would just be hit instead. Maybe he could trick a troll into protecting him. They're a good 3-4 feet taller than him and bright blue; an easy target. But that would mean putting up with a troll. And he didn't even speak their language. Not worth it.

"Are you alright, sir?" Kivet jumped, how could he have let a human sneak up on him like that?! They continued, ignoring his suprise, "it's a pretty gruesome sight."

"Don't talk to me." He went ignored.

"Did you know them?"

"Why are you still talking to me?!"

"Its still sad, even if you didn't. I know if I saw a human like that I'd likely take my own life from the trauma."

Why didn't this human-? Wait, they probably couldn't understand him. Humans had a spoken language, not psychic. Kivet remembered studying that back in Academy; they had to choose a language and it seemed the easiest.

"Fine," he choked out, voice scratchy and broken from lack of use. The human apparently took that as emotion and placed their hand on his shoulder. He hissed in warning, but it wasn't removed.

"Why don't you come inside? I'm not sure if you can digest the same things as us, but I made some nice potato soup. Its chilly today as well. I already have a fire going inside."

Why was this human being nice to him? They didn't even know his name. Hell, he didn't even know their gender; humans were difficult to ascertain with their lack of horns or spikes. He considered the offer. On one hand, he had come to the village for food, and while he wasn't affected by the weather, seeing such a mutilated corpse sent shivers down his back. He was reminded of what his father told him when he started school, "Don't trust anyone, regardless of species or blood relation."

"Sounds lonely."

He startled, not realizing that he had spoken it aloud. "Its all I've ever known." Lie. He had traveled with Suvo for 3 years before the incident. "Find me another Ve and I'll consider changing my mind," he tried to joke. It probably sounded too serious in his underused voice.

"You'll be pretty hard-pressed to find another." A tall fae with tanned skin and a whimsical voice pranced over to them, feet light and airy. Humans referred to Fae as the opposite of Ve. Kivet hated them. Even more than mutts.

"Oh, don't give me that look, demon. I come with news." Kivet continued to glare. How dare he speak to him! "The Ve were attacked a few weeks ago. Whole towns wiped out. Only a handful of you guys remain and they're hunting you down." Who? He was too confused to ask. Ve were untouchable. Heroes who used their strength for good. Why would someone attack? How could they lose? "The Golems." The Fae seemed to understand the unspoken question. "They asked the Fae to join them but our queen refused. The last time we angered Ve our capital was destroyed. So much unnecessary death."

"Just tell me what happened already!" Kivet was getting fed up with this stupid voice already.

He shrugged, a human expression, "that's all I know. My guess is a full frontal assault. Ve are good at tactics, but you lack- what was the word? Oh yeah-strength." That was a blow and he knew it. The Ve were all about strength. They were the best when it came to 1-on-1 fights. Then other species had to invent blades and spears. Kivet, like most Ve, refused to use them. They were a crutch. He hated to believe what a fucking Fae was telling him, but it added up. Golems were known to be able to track anything; relentless hunters. Now he knows it was all thanks to tiny machines.

"Serves you right! The Ve should've be wiped out centuries ago." The Fae laughed. Stupid, musical laughter. Kivet couldn't take it! He lunged at the taller man, causing them to fall to the ground. They seemed shocked and caught off guard. Kivet spread his wings threateningly and hissed in his face, taking joy in seeing the spots of saliva that splattered that stupid, perfect face. The human seemed to be saying something, but all Kivet saw was red. His instincts tuned out all other distractions and focused on their prey. He tried to let out a threatening laugh, but it only sounded broken with emotion. "Not strong, huh? Then what does that say about you?"

The Fae relaxed suddenly, much to his confusion. "Hear that? The Golems are coming." And they were. Their heavy footfalls could be heard not too far away. Likely near where Kivet had left the mutt and it's parent's bodies. He acted solely on instinct and shot off flying towards the sound of the noise. He had to see it for himself. His wings burned from the effort, not used to going faster than a leisurely pace. He stumbled in the air when one popped. Likely a sprain or dislocation, not broken. He fought through the pain until he heard the voices nearly under him. He landed on a sturdy tree branch and started to leap his way across to get a better view, yet be less visible. He didn't know much of their language, but he could pick out a few words "Troll. Her. Reward." They weren't tracking a Ve afterall! But who was this Troll? Someone important for the Golems to make a special trip. Maybe a criminal? Didn't matter. They could kill her for all he cared. Wasn't his problem.

Wait, then why was that Fae in a human village if not to warn him? The fucker came up with some random story to district him from his job! A Fae in a human village was very clearly against the rules. He inwardly scolded himself for not realizing earlier. Oh, he was going to pay!

Kivet turned to move, forgetting about his hurt wing, and stumbled slightly. The rustling attracted the attention of one of the Golems. He froze as he was stared directly in the eye. Neither made a move for what felt like forever. Another Golem said something to the one watching him who then turned his attention away. This was the perfect opportunity to run! So why couldn't he move? The one who had spotted him said something about a bird before the group continued on their way. Did a Golem just cover for him!? Wait, why would that be shocking? Ve had important jobs and couldn't afford to be distracted by insignificant creatures. Surely that was public knowledge by now.

He should really go after that one Fae, but right now he was just too tired, rules be damned. He doubted he could sleep with all that had happened in the past few hours. It seemed like weeks had passed since he last awoke. He wrapped himself into a snug position and closed his eyes.

[mikereads]

The shows writing at times should be better yes but at this point for Lena and Kara all they need to do at bare minimum is write happy scenes between the two of them that are still heart felt and deep. Like whatever they write even if it feels somewhat ooc S5 as much of a mess as it was proved they could say anything even if it’s hurtful and that there is still so much love and emotion in it because whatever the scene is about Katie and Melissa always bring it and go to there fullest extent and the way there body movement is whether that be shaky and fidgety hands or biting their lips or the quiver in there voices or eye twitches etc. They always play the scenes so well that’s why I think it’s frustrating all the writers need to be is half way more competent. They could write the most basic scenes that have been done before countless time, the overused tropes but with Katie and Mel/ Kara and Lena its so special because of the bond these two characters have and their chemistry. Them talking their pasts in dept together or about the Villain of the week and making jokes referring to them or about their hobbies again, NSYNC, Britney Spears etc. 

Ex: “Did you hear Lance confirm there won’t be a reunion” I know Lena replies how dare he. I mean we all know it isn’t going to happen but at least let us hope right Kara laughs in return.

Them just talking again is all we want again. We want the witty banter but also the deep conversations. Things we want.

- For Kara and Lena to talk about Krypton.

We barely seen Kara talk about her home planet with barely anyone. The only person we have seen is Alex to my recollection. This would be another great way for them to connect. Have Kara tell Lena about Kryptons advanced technology. Side note: Let Kara be pro technology again like I get the idea but like most the writers have it comes off most of the time as one dimensional. Let Kara tell Lena about Kryptonese and have her teach her the language. We have only seen Kara speak Kryptonese briefly it would be nice to see it and even better for her to teach someone it and go through the process with Lena. She has always wanted to teach someone it.

They slightly touched on it when Lena mention all of Kara’s looses. Have them discuss there trauma. The ones they have separately and together. Have Kara tell Lena about her parents/ Aunt. Have Kara tell her she always wanted to tell her the truth. “I always wanted to tell you Lena. In small ways throughout the years I have. I opened up about my mother telling you she was a lawyer. About how my parents died in a house fire. Of all the looses I have faced. You didn’t know the extent of them but I always wanted to be open with you because I knew you would understand. Reference how Kara was slightly mentioning over the years sometimes consciously and sometimes not. Let them discuss Lenas trauma/abuse together. There abandonment issues and why there fall out affected them both so much. Like another fan pointed out have the show discuss Kate’s passing and how that affects Kara. Have her break down after all the built up and have Lena comfort her. This would be a great way to start the conversation of lose and of all the lose Kara has gone through. This could also be they way she asks Lena how she got through it and Lena could discuss her mom and Kara could discuss her dad.

-Let Kara and Lena say “I love you” to one another directly. We know they do so stop going around it by saying “ that’s one of the things I love about you” or “ you still loved” etc. Let them say it outright.

-Last season Lex told his fears to his mom of Lena and Kara being “together” I mean friends. Pictionary at game night, coffee before work etc. Let us see this happen next season as they fully rebuild their relationship. Have them be partners at game night. Show how close they are and that they know each other so well. How they are undefeated together. (Let them win). Show them getting coffee at Noonans before work. Kara knowing Lenas coffee order getting each other scones/ donuts etc. Show them start to have genuine lunch dates again at Catco at one of their apartments. Show that Lexs fears had warrants and that they came true. It was inevitable.

-Show then working together at Lenas lab, Catco etc. Have Kara bring Lena to Jon’s tower (I can’t remember what’s it’s called tbh). They want to be open and honest with each other have Kara tell her where there base is and the real reason the DEO blew up also have Lenas lab turn into their new base just saying at least temporary/ side base.

-Have Lena get L-Corp back. Show them take down Lex together and once and for all. Show Kara support her and help her get through loosing everything. All her life’s work gone. Have Kara dawn on this like “I knew it but I didn’t think about I like that”. She knows Lex being back is bad but she right now is only seeing it from her own POV and the worlds have her start seeing it from others mainly Lenas. Have her start to look at things from Lenas POV. There at a lot of things she should start looking at from her POV. Have Kara help her escape Lex/ The Luthors privately and publicly on her own terms.

- Have then go to therapy have Kara go to Kelly and ask for advice. At first Lena would be reluctant especially how untrustworthy she it with new comers have Kara help her gain her trust by showing her how good it would be for her. Have Lena go to Kelly for a session as a trial run. To then have Kelly recommend someone and have her transfer over to another therapist. Have this be a recurring plot line. Have us see Lena go to therapy weekly in multiple episodes not just one/ off screen. Have this be the way Kara comes to the realization she needs therapy herself. ( Like Melissa wants!!!!) Have her mom/ sister help her come to this realization. (Another Midvale episode with Lena). Supercorp + Alex road trip. Have her discuss the trauma she faced during crisis with her mom Eliza, Alex and Lena. Have Lena help Kara in return by helping her seeking out help/ getting therapy. It could be another thing they bond over as they start this new journey together/ separately . Ex: “You helped me start coming to terms with what the Luthors did to me. Something I never would have done on my own. I know it’s scary but I promise it’s worth it. Take your own advice and seek the same help you told me to get. Let me repay you in a small way by doing this. If not for yourself then for me”.

- Have a scene where Kara introduces Lena to both her moms Eliza and Alura. Have Lena go to Argo city. Have Alura come back to Earth. Have her introduce her to her like she did with Alex. “Mom this is the person I’ve been telling you about, this is Lena”. “Lena it is so nice to meet you. Kara has told me so much about you. She truly thinks the world of you”. Have the both blush. Start to dive into how Lena affects the future like it was mentioned in S3. Remember your own story line is basically what I want tbh.

-Lastly make Supercorp romantic cannon. Finally lean all the way in make it happen. We know you won’t do this but you should. Remember dare to defy. Well dare to defy heteronormativity please we beg. (Get ride of Lex and William, thank you).

They have a lot to fix on all fronts but a lot of it can be done through pursing Supercorp once and for all like you promised to do in season five but failed to do but sidelining them for men once again. Final message just have them interact organically again and stop putting people (mostly men) between them thank you and don’t do a unrequited love story okay no one wants it.. It would be cheap and still misleading. 

[ashintheairlikesnow]

The Rescue: Danny’s Mom

for the Anon who asked what Danny’s mom said to him that affected him so badly, this one is for you!

CW: Implied/referenced past violence/ sexual assault (vague), emotional abuse

His parents are coming.

There is no life before Abraham.

He’s at a small town police station somewhere in Alberta, and Ryan called their parents just to get Danny back to California faster, and the Alberta cops aren’t happy about it and Danny isn’t either, but he doesn’t say anything.

He’s having trouble following things here - police officers go in and out, sometimes people in regular clothes he thinks are detectives. They keep calling him by the old name, the one that isn’t his anymore, and he can’t seem to make anyone understand that he’s not allowed that name. That name belonged to a person, and he isn’t one.

My name is Red and I belong to Abraham Denner.

He keeps trying to explain, but they don’t listen to him. 

They keep calling him Daniel or Mr. Michaelson, and he tries not to answer to it, because it’s not his name now, it’s against the rules, but he’s so tired and eventually he gives up and just hopes no one will hurt him.

They keep trying to get him to wash his own face, but he makes himself so small that they give up and leave the damp paper towel on the table. They brought him a blanket and he shied away from it until they left. He’s wrapped in it now against the air in the chilly room.

He said thank you, though. He says thank you for everything they bring, because you have to be grateful to be good.

They bring him band-aids he doesn’t want, because after so many months with the thing on his face he doesn’t want anything to cover up even an inch of the skin there ever, ever again. No one orders him to put them on so he leaves them in a pile on the table.

The air over the raw, open wounds across his nose and cheekbones and jaw burns and it hurts and it feels like heaven.

They bring him food while they question Nate in one of the other places in this building, but they don’t tell him if he’s allowed to eat it, so it goes cold and they look disappointed that he wasn’t hungry and take it away again. I was hungry, he thinks, desperately, please I haven’t eaten since last night and Abraham only gave me a little but he doesn’t get to ask, that’s not how it works, he has to wait until permission is given.

Puppies beg when their owners want to hear them, and otherwise they wait to be fed.

When they take the food away he has to bite his lower lip until it hurts to keep from crying at the loss. It had looked like so much food, too, maybe even enough to feel full, and he hasn’t been given that much food unless he is very good in so long. But it’s gone, and they never let him eat it. Why would they even bring it if they weren’t going to give him permission?

They brought a mug of awful weak coffee, and that time Nate was in the room - they keep taking Nate to ask him questions and then letting him come back in for a while and then taking him back so he can answer all of the same questions asked by someone else - and Nate knew to tell him that it was okay to drink it, so he’s had a full mug of that. It helped his stomach stop growling, at least, and the detective who brought it to him smiled when he told her thank you.

He is very thankful for the coffee.

He is grateful, he is following the rules, he is good.

I want to be good, please tell me what good means here.

The detective who brought him the coffee came back a few minutes ago to tell the puppy she thinks is Danny that his parents will be here soon, and his brother is going to come in with them. Ryan was here earlier, and Danny remembers him the best, the most - Abraham took everything, but he couldn’t take Ryan away.

Ryan came for him alone at first. It was Ryan the Alberta cops called when they decided Nate was telling the truth, that the damaged man in front of them resembled a missing persons’ photo of Daniel Michaelson that the cops in California sent up to them to verify.

They asked him if he had anyone to call, and Danny could only remember Ryan’s number and no one else’s, but now his parents are coming, too, and he doesn’t want them here.

There is still enough of who he used to be that Danny no sooner thinks about not wanting his parents to come into this police station - he hasn’t spoken to them for more than a couple of strained phone calls since five and a half years ago - than he hears the voices of relatives and friends and Michaelson Logging business partners hiss, you should be more grateful, the others at that group home would have killed to adopted by them, they’ll make this all happen faster, you should be more grateful.

Be grateful.

He still sits in the same room where they first brought him, a break room or something. The walls are a weirdly dark beige, and there’s a couch older than him he doesn’t dare sit in. He feels like he thought police stations in Canada would be different, somehow, but mostly all that changes is the labels on some of the snacks in the vending machines. Everything else is mostly the same.

He should really be on the floor, but when he tried to sit down on the tile when he first came in everyone got upset and told him to get into a chair, and Nate said it was okay, so he’s still there in the folding chair, sitting at a small card table with his shoulders hunched nearly to his ears, blanket pulled tightly around himself.

Only people get to use the furniture. Dogs sit on the floor.

But if they told him to sit in the chair, that makes it okay, right? Sometimes Bram let him sit on the couch if he was good, if he curled up against him, if he sought out the affection he didn’t want, that he hated. If he sat, miserable and shaking, and tried to pretend that he was happy.

Pl-please, please R-R-Red, wake up, y-you have to c-c-come back to m, to me, he’d heard Nate’s voice, choked with tears and guilt and terror, felt the thumbs slip across his wounded face when the muzzle came off, felt Nate’s forehead lean in to just touch his, the slightest hint of warmth. Or someone else felt it, someone else heard, while Danny was still buried deep inside himself. Please, G-God, please, th-there has to be enough of y-y-you left to s-save.

Pl-please, please t-tell me I w-w-wasn’t too late.

There are vending machines along a corner; three food ones, one that has soda and water, and finally a coffee one. He stares longingly at the coffee vending machine, but he can’t ask for money, and it’s not like he and Nate have any.

Maybe when Ryan comes back? Ryan will see him looking at the vending machine and maybe know what he wants and give him money and permission. Ryan used to make fun of him for wanting to get coffee out of the vending machine at every single rest stop during their dad’s mandatory family bonding road trip the summer he turned sixteen.

Danny sits up, blinking, surprised at the sudden clarity of the memory. He never remembers anything anymore, but all at once he remembers this.

He looks around the dingy room with its yellowed florescent lighting and tries to think of the last time he remembered anything from before as clearly as he remembers Ryan, fourteen years old and all elbows and knees and careless laughter, mocking Danny as he fed quarters into the machine and watched it pour his steaming hot coffee into a little cup.

There is no life before Abraham.

But there was, there had been, and Abraham couldn’t punish him for remembering it anymore. Danny takes a quick, shallow breath, and the memory of his affectionate irritation with his little brother - he can even remember what state they were in, it was Illinois and the land was so flat, the sky had felt so immense and like it could crash down on them at any moment - feels like a gift.

Be grateful for every gift you are given.

“Thank you,” He whispers, and he’s not sure who he’s thanking, but it’s safer to say thank you anyway, to follow the rules even if Nate tells him he doesn’t have to anymore. “Thank you for Ryan.”

He’s wearing the same thin cotton pj pants he had on when they drove away from the cabin, the tops of his thighs marked with soot stains from Nate’s hands, a smear of black across his cheekbone and on the shoulder of his shirt. He still smells a little like the smoke, he thinks, and Nate’s clothes had smelled faintly of the gasoline he’d poured all around the cabin before he lit the flames.

The only thing they’ve already taken is the leather dog collar from around his neck, sliding it off. The cops had hissed softly through their teeth at the rubbed-raw scars underneath, removing the collar while wearing plastic gloves, putting it into a large ziploc bag and taking it away. Danny had watched it go with a pounding, terrified heartbeat.

He wasn’t allowed to take it off. Only Bram was allowed to take the dog collar off, only Bram, not even Nate was allowed.

But no one came to punish him for it, and after a while someone told Nate that Abraham was handcuffed to a hospital bed being treated for smoke inhalation, that he had been conscious but couldn’t speak, had no voice beyond a whisper.

Good, Nate had said in a low, steady voice, his hand on Danny’s shoulder. D-D-Don’t let h-him sp, speak. Whatever y-you do, don’t l-let him speak.

Danny’s parents are coming, and Ryan said they’re bringing new clothes for him and some things Nate can wear, too, so the cops can take the clothes they have on for evidence.

He hears Ryan before he sees anyone, and Danny listens to his brother’s rapid-fire speech, clearly filling Corrine and Patrick in on everything as they come closer. “You really should talk to the trauma expert first,” Ryan is saying.

“He’s my son, Ryan, I don’t need to do any such thing,” Patrick rumbles in his low, deep voice.

Oh, Danny thinks in a sudden bitter burst of the person he was before he became the dog, oh, now I’m your fucking son all of a sudden. Must be a photographer somewhere to impress.

Danny blinks, sitting quickly back into his hunch, face burning with worry at the rebellious, disobedient thoughts. The cursing angry person inside of him that he normally kept pushed far, far down beneath Red.

There was no life before Abraham.

I want to be good.

“I’m sure Danny will be glad to hear that,” Ryan says, and there’s a dry, sarcastic note to his warm voice that makes Danny smile, just the barest bit. Even Ryan knows better than to buy Patrick’s he’s my son thing. “But look, I had to talk to Rosalie Laurent before I got to see him and it really might be a good idea if you did, too-”

“Just fill us in.” Corrine’s voice now, breezy and unworried. No doubt they tried to stop her at the front desk and she simply breezed past them, the way she has always flashed her rings and her wealth and the steely determination in her dark brown eyes and breezed past any objection.

How does he know so much about them when he can barely remember their faces?

There was nothing before Abraham, and there is nothing after.

But this was before, and after, and this was something.

“Okay, fine.” Ryan sighs, heavily, and Danny knows they’ve stopped right outside the door, now, though he can’t see them yet. “Listen to me. Don’t try to touch him yet, he doesn’t like that. The trauma expert said he, um, he was touched a lot against his will-”

“Oh my God,” Corrine says, in a voice that blends horrified disgust and a certain kind of awful fascination. “Ryan, you’re not saying-”

“It’s not my place to say. That’s all medical stuff and I’m not going to share it with anyone. They only told me because I was listed on Danny’s old primary care records as his next-of-kin and emergency contact.” Ryan’s got a stubborn note in his voice now.

“But we’re his parents,” Corrine says, voice faltering a little.

“Mom, you haven’t been an emergency contact since junior year, don’t do this. I’m the only one on the list, so the information stays with me.”

Thank you, Danny thinks, wants to say, wants so badly. Thank you for standing up for me. I am so grateful for you, I am good.

“I suppose I can understand that,” Corrine says finally, hesitantly.

“Right. Good. So don’t try to touch him. And don’t speak too loudly or move too quickly, he’s really scared of everything right now. Please just give him lots of space, speak softly, and don’t feel bad if he acts like he doesn’t remember you. Dr. Laurent said he dissociates as a coping mechanism-”

“The trauma expert is a doctor?” Corrine asks, curious.

“She has a doctorate,” Ryan replies. “She’s not, like, a medical doctor, but she’s honestly been more helpful than any of them were, so-”

“Fine, fine, fine.” As Patrick speaks, Danny closes his eyes and thinks he can see Patrick Michaelson counting the words off on his fingers. Another thing he doesn’t remember because he is not allowed but he does remember, anyway. “Don’t touch, don’t speak loudly, don’t move quickly, don’t be upset if he’s… distant. Is that all?”

“And call him Red. Yeah.” Ryan takes a deep breath, loudly enough that Danny can hear it even through the door. “And just… be nice to him, okay?”

“When have we ever not been nice to him?” Corrine asks, offended.

“We’ve only ever treated Danny just like he’s part of our family, Ryan.” Patrick’s voice dips into disappointment, not quite insulted, not quite injured. “We missed him.”

The angry Daniel Michaelson raises his head once again to hiss that’s news to me, Patrick, before Danny jams that person back down in a flare of panic. He wasn’t Daniel Michaelson now, he was Red.

I want to be good.

But I don’t want to be good for them.

But I have to be good.

I want to be good.

Ryan opens the door, coming in first, carrying a couple of plastic bags by one hand, flashing Danny a soft, hesitant smile. Their first reunion hadn’t gone the way Ryan had wanted, Danny knew, and he felt guilty that he couldn’t be good enough to be Danny for Ryan, but Red was safer.

Red followed the rules.

“Hey, Red,” Ryan says, clearly struggling with the name Abraham had given him, flashing an expression of disgust. “I brought Mom and Dad by. They’re going to help you get back to America a little faster. They brought your passport and stuff… they wanted to see you.”

They wanted to be photographed coming in to see me, you mean. They want to be in the papers, they want to be good parents for the press like they’ve always been, everything for the company, everything for the press.

Shut up. Stop it. Be good.

Think good thoughts.

Think Red thoughts.

My name is Red and I belong to Abraham Denner. Just the puppy. Puppies are good. Puppies want to be good.

My name is Red.

The thought calms him, and he nods slowly, pushing himself out of his chair to stand, blanket still wrapped around his shoulders. He’s hunched over, but still taller than any of them and he knows it, and he feels strange and stretched out as Corrine and Patrick Michaelson enter the room.

They look a little older than four years ago, maybe, but not by much. Corrine is, as usual, impeccably and perfectly dressed, sliding her deep teal peacoat off her shoulders to reveal a sweater that shows only a hint of one bare brown shoulder. Patrick’s wearing a suit, looking like he had come straight from a business meeting - a little rumpled where Corrine has not one hair out of place.

Just like always, in the memories he doesn’t have but which bleed around Abraham’s training and whisper in his mind anyway.

Danny tries on a thin smile for them, fixing his eyes somewhere near their feet, noting Corrine’s heels clicking on the tile as she moves closer to him. His heart starts to speed up, beating so fast he’s nearly dizzy from the rush of blood.

Stay back.

(don’t pull away from me, little Red)

Please don’t get that close.

“We’re so happy they found you,” Corrine says in a rush of perfectly practiced sincerity. “Oh, Danny-”

“Red, honey,” Patrick rumbles from just behind her, keeping his distance. Danny is so grateful for the distance, right now, with the same ferocity he used to be furious with it before. “Remember? Ryan said to call him Red for now.”

“M-My name is Red,” Danny offers, in a halting, soft voice. “My name is Red and I belong-”

“It’s okay, Red,” Ryan soothes him, setting the bags down on a table, pulling out a sweater and a pair of jeans. “I told them already. I brought you some stuff to wear back. These might be big on you now, you’ve… um, lost some weight… but they’ll get us home and we can buy more then, yeah?”

Danny just nods, staring still at Corrine’s shoes, which are moving closer to him, closer and closer and they’re too close.

Corrine moves up to him and takes his face in her hands, lifting it to meet her eyes. He can’t flinch. He’s not allowed.

Stop touching me stop touching me stop touching me

Never reject a touch

Never pull away

(don’t you want to be good?)

I want to be good

Danny goes still, staring at her with eyes that are too wide and frightened to truly see. The  warmth of her hands makes his skin crawl, his heart pound.

He wants to pull away from her, he wants to tear away and hide in the corner, he wants he wants he wants but he is the puppy and puppies don’t get to want, they do what they’re told, so he holds himself still. He just has to try harder.

Danny whispers, “I can be good.”

“Oh, sweetheart,” Corrine says, lifting his face to the light, her eyes focused on the ring of red, raw open wounds around his face. “Oh sweetie, look at how awful this is.”

“He knows, Mom, don’t touch him.“ Ryan looks up, warm amber eyes narrowed. “Let go of him, he doesn’t want to be touched right now. He doesn’t like being touched.”

Corrine ignores her younger son, running her finger along the notch cut deeply into each side of his jaw. There’s a trail left behind, hot shame burning the ring in his face.

He can feel her eyes on the ridge cut hard into the top of his nose, and Danny feels bile in his throat that he has to fight back with a constant drumbeat of be good be good be good.

“Mom! Let go of him, he doesn’t like that!” Ryan snaps the words, and Danny fights back a wince at the sound of his defensive anger.

Pets don’t get to be angry.

“Honey, he’s fine, look, he doesn’t mind. Do you mind, Danny?“

I’m not Danny anymore. I’m not anyone.

“Whatever you want,” He repeats, numbly, trying not to throw up all over her.

“He’s not allowed to tell you if he minds, Mom, it was a whole thing that asshole did to him! Just drop your fucking hands!”

“Language, Ryan,” Patrick warns, but turns to Corrine. “Darling, he did speak to the expert, you should-”

“Just a moment,” Corrine murmurs.

Ryan moves to pull her back, but before he can reach out to her, Corrine looks Danny right in the eyes.

The look on her face is one of supreme isn’t this what we always expected of you, and it’s a look Danny has seen so many times before, in the life he was told to forget.

It has never hurt quite like this.

(I love it when you cry for me, little Red. Are you going to cry now? That’s my good, good boy…)

She has blurred in his vision, his eyes helpfully filling with tears so he can’t see the look on her face any longer, but it doesn’t protect him.

Corrine shakes her head and says, in a tone of mixed disappointment and the faded sort of conditional affection that she has always felt for him in place of love, “Oh, Danny, how could you let him do this to you? How could you let that happen to your face?”

[weirdcultstuff]

Unrelatable Ex-Amish Feelings

Just a note: The specific group I grew up in was an extreme group, with a cult leader. I tried my best not to include things that I think might be specific to the cult I was in, but I can only write from my own experiences, so some of this might not be universal to all leaving-amish experiences. :)

1. Despising Beverly Lewis books. Despising that TLC ‘Breaking Amish’ show. And if I hear one more time about ‘the amish mafia’ I swear I’m throwing something.

2. Seeing strangers with head-coverings or large families and no longer getting that instant mutual bond, because you are out of context to them now.

3. Rolling your eyes at the ‘Amish Made!’ signs.

4. The cognitive dissonance overload.

5. Critical thinking skills? Who is that?

6. Not having an identity as an individual.

7. (If you’re a girl) working caretaking and cleaning jobs. (If you’re a guy) farming, landscaping, and construction.

8. *I’M GOING TO HELL! I’M GOING TO HELL! I’M GOING TO-*

9. Going P.I.M.O. with your also shunned family, because they’ve joined another group that you don’t want to be in either.

10. Purity culture hangover, can’t make eye contact!!

11. Saying “Mr.”, “Mrs.”, “Professor”, “Dr.”, etc. feels like a direct insult instead of being respectful.

12. Not being able to say “Ich liebe die” to friends because it sounds so much more real and serious than “I love you.” In fact, having tons of language confusion and general work to do on your English.

13. *They’re English, they wouldn’t understand how Amish do anyway.*

14. Just. Not being able to explain anything. Ever. It feels like living in two completely different realms of existence, having been amish and not-amish.

15. The shame of buying something at an amish place and being recognized, and offered the things for free since amish don’t do business with shunned amish.

16. People thinking they understand amish culture because they “grew up around baptists.” Like, I guess?? I understand what you mean? But also no.

17. Despising almost any depiction of the amish in mainstream media, and not being able to articulate how it’s all such skewed perspective, and not knowing how to communicate things properly or make it better. Frustrating!!!!

18. Fighting not to have that Penn Dutch accent and thinking it makes you sound dumb.

19. Being the only kid at your college who knows how to clean and cook and sew and keep house.

20. Missing the cows. Missing the garden. Missing making hay. Missing your friends. Missing your family. Missing taking care of babies. Missing working with people who genuinely like to work. Missing tomato sandwiches. Missing the singing. Missing, missing, missing. Parts of you are missing.

21. Freaking out about every possible aspect of clothes and what to wear.

22. (If you’re a girl) panic attacks about giving presentations in school because *women must be silent, and shouldn’t teach men, and business casual means you can’t even cover your head and who is even giving me the authority to do this?*

23. Not knowing how a parking meter, or a vending machine, or maybe an online bank account works and having to ask for help and just feeling so, so, so small and stupid.

24. Being 100% completely clueless about LGBTQ+ terminology or issues, and accidentally coming off as homophobic.

25. Realizing you accidentally came off as homophobic (or sexist, or racist, or ableist, etc.) after learning more words and stuff, and feeling really worried and ashamed about it.

26. Boundaries? What are boundaries?

27. *What do I do with my hair? I don’t look normal.*

28. Not understanding computers. Even after learning how to use computers, not understanding things intuitively like all the other kids who grew up with them.

29. Getting real freakin’ excited about how easy life becomes with electric washing machines and cars and electric heaters.

30. Getting in abusive relationships and getting taken advantage of because you have no idea what a healthy relationship looks like.

31. Feeling alone. Like you’re the only one doing this.

32. Wanting to go back. Missing home, and familiarity, so much.

33. Feeling nostalgic about the good old days when you had any kind of idea of what was going on ever.

34. Missing 100% of pop-culture references.

35. The internalized sexism. (If you’re a girl) just automatically deferring to any men in the vicinity.

36. Wearing clothes that are too big. In muted colors. Without many prints. And feeling very self-conscious about it all. Hoping you don’t run into any amish people in public because they’ll see from your clothes how far you’ve backslid, how much sin you’re living in.

37. Not knowing how the government works. Or voting. Or welfare.

38. Automatically denying and defending any abuse that happened, because *amish are right and the church is right and talking about abuse with english people is only going to prevent them from seeing the truth and the light.*

39. Bristling when people treat you like your life previous to shunning just didn’t matter or didn’t really happen. Newsflash, world, people who have lived lives different from yours still spend all of their lives in ‘the real world’ same as you.

40. *If I just married an amish man, or even a mennonite, this would all go away. Things would make sense again.*

41. What is evolution? What is anything? Is God real?

42. *If I picked the wrong way, and I know I picked the wrong way, then I’m going to hell. I’m going to hell. I’m going to hell. I’m going to-*

43. *I’m being taken captive by strange philosophy. I’m being taken captive by the world. I’m being given over to a reprobate mind for the destruction of the flesh. I’m too far in, I can’t see what’s right or good anymore. I’m going to hell.*

44. Hey, look! You have a favorite color now.

45. “Guys, I’m not Amish. There is not an Amish person alive who would say that I’m Amish. Stop calling me Amish.” *I’m also not ‘english’ though.*

46. *I’m a bad witness. I’m living a sinful life. I’m shaming my family.*

47. Not trusting the government. Not trusting the school system. Not trusting the healthcare system. Not trusting anyone who isn’t amish, not really.

48. Finding out there’s more kinds of ‘english’ music than rock music.

49. Meeting people who have never heard of the amish and just....not being able to compute that.

50. Collecting kitsch. Just ‘cause you can.

51. Switching back and forth from wanting LOTS OF FLAVORS AND COLORS AND LIGHTS AND FABRICS AND MUSIC AND WORDS AND VIDEOS AND BOOKS AND- and wanting to just sit in a dark room with the lights low, doing mending or something normal because it’s all just overload and it’s making your head spin.

52. Amish people invalidating your experience. Non-Amish people invalidating your experience. *Nobody understands, I’m all alone, everyone thinks I’m crazy.*

53. Instinctive fear and disgust towards halloween things. This is what worldliness is, this is all demonic. None of it looks cute. Except that baby dressed up like a hot dog, she’s so cute.

54. Not understanding how non-amish people view animals and pets as practically members of the family instead of mildly interesting or useful outdoor things. Then missing your siblings so much and being so touch starved that when you’re at a friends’ house and their cat sits on your lap you feel positively glowing and warm inside, and you finally ‘get it.’

55. *What church do I go to? Am I mennonite now? Am I baptist? Am I Christian? I have to be a Christian, obviously. Where do I belong? Who do I belong to?*

56. Not understanding equality, even if you think it’s right.

57. Doing ANYTHING your boss tells you to, being a massive pushover until you slowly learn the difference between aggression and standing up for yourself, and then learn how to actually stand up for yourself.

58. People assuming you’re stupid because you don’t know stuff they learned in grade school. You assuming other people are stupid because nobody taught them the stuff you learned as a kid.

59. The moment when you realize that you actually have a lot to give up now, if you go back. And you actually have an identity, you’re a person. Kinda glitchy and buried under a mountain of trauma, but you’re a person.

60. Finding therapy. Finding friends. Finding the internet. Finding other people who have been through hard things too and connecting with them over the things you have in common and your shared support for each other in the things you don’t. Healing, growing. Coming to a point where things feel possible.

It’s a wild ride. But it’s worth it. Hang in there, friendo. <3