#i havent been on here in like decades
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ermmm so its been a while… i like one piece now
#art#school doodles#doodle#tony tony chopper#one piece chopper#one piece#ik its crazy#i havent been on here in like decades#haha oops#kinda forgot i had tumblr#lmao mb
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2: kitty collector
#danganronpa#makoto naegi#leon kuwata#naeleon#makuwata#leonaegi#makoleon#2#10/29/2024#fia.png#⚾️🍀#dont know if n/eko a/tsume fanbase is active on here but#still dont wanna take the chance of putting this in a non-dr tag#i have got to get better at drawing cats. i used to be so proficient but i havent actually done it in like half a decade#plus the style is unexpectedly tricky to translate to a larger size...#anyway ive been thinking about assigning n/eko a/tsume cats to the dr cast like in general its soooo fun#makoto is obviously a good fit for snowball because theyre like your Default and Starter cat#and 'mellow' fits just fine#leon is obviously fred 'lady-killer' who is also completely orange LMAO#i would give sayaka mack for 'determined'#not sure who to give gabriel to because 'diligent' is a good descriptor of Many people#so on so forth
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hello there! it's me, Tortilla, known mostly as Mod by the people who have been following this blog for a While!
if you've ever scrolled for a bit here, you've probably Seen that I've tried a few times to get back into posting more often and failed comically as i grappled with the dreaded Mental Eel Nesses and Executive Dysfunction, among other things. especially since ask blogs aren't as popular as they were back in the day when i made this blog (2015! turned 9 years last aug 15th! that's an entire child. jin owes me a lot of child support,)
(before anyone gets scared, no I'm not deleting anything lol gimme a sec to word this thought)
okay so like. cutting straight to the point not gonna get sentimental right now I'll save that for later: i want to keep this blog active REALLY bad, but as much as I'd like to, for multiple reasons i cannot draw as much as i did back in the day, which is like... the main thing i usually post here. so I've been pondering for the past year or so What to Do about it
my one idea is to turn this into a general kgpr blog and reblog other people's art and official stuff and the alike here, instead of keeping it Just My Stuff
but the thing is, if i DO that i would want to change my url, because reblogging art to a place that's named "badly drawn--" whatever is. i Don't Want That y'know? it's disrespectful lol
the thing is that that's soooo many links that would Break. among other things. (+ i have nooo clue what id change the name to but that's a different issue)
so like, my question here is,
#...ngl i could swear i had more to say in this post but i forgot so uh. jazz hands#mod post#ive been going back and forth on this for a While lol..drafting posts and deleting them and rewording#life's been rough but kp's been there for me always and recently ive been back in the pit again#(managed to drag some of my friends in! they're having fun)#and ive been doing a doodle or two here and there but they're not in the badly drawn™ style#and after nearly a decade i STILL dont know if im allowed to post my normal style art here#(yes i know it's my blog i can do whatever. my brain works in mysterious ways. not even my therapist knows how it works)#if i do repurpose this id definitely go back and make the organization system better too lol which may take a bit#since there's like. over 2k posts or smth here? last i checked anyway#maybe more#might be over 3k but id rather lowball it#anyways im rambling uhhhhh#feel free to give more options/ideas if what i said doesnt feel Quite like the solution ig?#i just know ive been getting new followers still even when i havent been posting and it makes me feel bad like OH NO.... I HAVENT POSTED....
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Tough day rambles
In a world with a different setting id be a prophet or a person with cool visions, id be a person worthy of protection and trust and friendship. Here im just paranoid and i worry about the wrong things. Somewhere else when i dance on my way to a shop everyone thinks im full of joy and whimsy and they dont think im drunk or childish. Somewhere else i can be around people for more than 5 hours before i shut down for the rest of the day. Somewhere else i dont remind everyone im stupid and dumb and i dont describe everything i do and feel as "slight" and "little" and "a bit", im able to love romantically and dream of tenderness and give it and recieve it. Idk i just hate myself a lot.
#period moment#im unable of feeling any positive emotion currently#but its true i am worthless#i always promise myself i wont enter new fandoms because in the end theyre just reminders of how ill never be cool and enough etc#i wish i had a confirmation that im not that bad#old man journalist who came to our uni said oooh i thought you were american with your accent and how much u use the word 'like'#i told him my vocabulary is just really really bad and he laughed but yeah omg what a way to tell me im dumb#and also guy from class texting me transphobic pro trump stuff just cause he wants me to give him arguments against what he says#why#just why#and im bad at german#and i havent started writing my article even tho i have over a month to do it#and i dont understand in between wars economics in germany#and i cant write my coalecroux and theres no point of continuing there are much better writers#everything i do is wrong and i dont understand what i should understand#disgusting uh i feel disgusting#my mom told me that her boyfriend got a “beautiful” christmas gift for me#dude why WHY would you buy me things that can be described as beautiful#i hate christmas#i just want to be somewhere else in a different world#i want to be in avantris i want to use magic i dont want to be human#i wish i was older because maybe when youre like 27 your opinions and feelings matter#but im over here rocking back and forth and sucking on a necklace like a fucking baby watching wizard of oz#how do you stop hating yourself i dont get it#i dont fuckinf understand anything#everything is clouded with my desire to be dead or somewhere else and its been like this for a decade i just want it to stop#goodnight i hope i dont fucking wake up i hope my cat scratches my stomach open and eats my body so im useful for something
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something something the inherent horror of feeling and watching your own body age even though you'll forever stay the same age and state of mind.
#im not even supposed to be out unsupervised lol. im just here#i wake up and my dog isn't even alive anymore. i havent been in middle school for nearly a decade but i remember it like it was yesterday#no one else here does#there's my little overshare thing for the night just like i did back in the day!! goodnight!!
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this is exactly precisely 100% what challenging + ~getting better™~ with regards to some of ur ocd thoughts feels like btw
i get images stuck in my head sometimes, like how u get songs stuck in ur head or echolalia. this^ has been here often recently :)
#guys its ok :)#it occurred to me i havent been told by my ocd?psychosis-adjacent undiagnosed thing? that 'im going to hell' in a while#like i havent heard that mentioned in a longass time in here *points to head*#i don't even have religious trauma btw it's completely inexplicably mental illness related. but it was a big fixation for decades#anyway YAYYY RECOVERY#synthazapine#because bein medicated probs has something to do with it#almost 1yr now 🎉
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"have you eaten?" "yes" i said, like a liar
#vent#ed tw#i havent been coping very well and i've been lying to my parents about my disordered eating in these past few days#i did have breakfast. and a chamomile. and a plain tofu burger. about 7 hrs ago#couldn't bring myself to eat anymore because i just. cant#i had a panic attack earlier and another one yesterday and im drained because i havent had this many in a row in years#and if im reverting back to how i was a decade ago im killing myself this time without a question because now i know how it goes#i feel like nothing could ever fix the situation im in in general in life and just thinking about it is sending me into a panic again#i feel so alone yet so overwhelmed and so stupid and so tired of everythibg#tomorrow i have breakfast with my friends and i cant just not eat because they will absolutely force me to#like theyve been around long enough to just know without asking too many questions but still making sure i eat#also i didnt plan anything for lunch and my fridge is half empty bc i didnt have the physical strength to go grocery shopping#so i have i think yoghurt bananas tofu burgers and water#also one tomato. just checked#im so tired i want to die and not out of despair but out of exhaustion#like. i did what i had to do in this life. failed miserably. seen enough. i dont think being here for any longer would be fun#sorry if you followed me via ao3. i vent a lot here. sorry.#being an adult with these issues that teens usually have is mortifying. genuinely
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i am so fucking hungry everypony
#wind howls#i had 2 slices of ham before i left the house and on my way back i got a couple pastries and boba#but its not good practice (plus risky with covid) to eat on the metro/bus so they are in my backpack . unopened. uneaten.#and now im and the pharmacy to get new meds (pills ?! havent had pills prescribed to me since 2018 !!!) and i cant eat here either#and after that i am going to the dollar store next door for a couple items i need . beloveds i am starving#i am going to eat like i havent been fed in a Decade when i get home. im hungry and my legs are sleepy tired.
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Depression is so fucking stupid. Oh i go through a lil stress and change and i dont see my friends as often as I'd like to and suddenly my brain is like Well. :) theres a simple solution for all of this!
Like uh yeah and spoiler alert it's not what u fucking think!! Just gotta spend some time with friends and get back into a regular schedule and rhythm and I'll be fucking fine. Fucking edgelord
#For reallllll#And all of this bc i didnt get a week of vacation and had to undergo some Life Changes and work to get my drivers license#And suddenly it's like the sun hasn't been out in decades and i havent felt joy in just as long#Hhhhhhhhhhhhhh#And yknow what i def believe that my autism plays a role in this#Like.. I lose the regular schedule of school in summer and suddenly it's like im fighting for my fucking life out here
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im currently writing again for a fandom i havent written for in four years, this is so weird, but also cool to see how much ive changed as a writer omg
#rrposts#ill soon be posting dc stuff again#if u follow my main you might have noticed the uptick in bat content#and its going to flow into here#it was one of my earlier fandoms#and its cool to return#but also whack#bc i havent been here since 2019#like last decade#i still like the same tropes ngl#but ive gotten more serious#in the sense that my old work was very much crack#(as i view it now)#and i need it to make a little bit more sense#not that it cant be crack. but im making it realistic
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im just gonna tmi-medication share in the tags real quick
#tales from diana#i want to preface this with i've been prescribed adderall as-needed for adhd for a fullllll decade now#don't come at me with anti-adderall or anti-adhd-medication bullshit im not here for it!!#but my health problems have been so bad and ive been getting the worst sleep of my life lately no matter WHAT i do#i can do everything right#and btw i do not take adderall every day. which is implied by as-needed but i want to stress again I DONT NEED IT EVERY DAY#only when i do like. work. which ive been doing less and less bc of health problems!#but even though i havent been able to physically work so much i still have been taking half-doses a couple times a week just to like. read.#just to have a brain to do ANYTHING when everything is so awful and my brain is so foggy#ive always *sometimes* cut my doses in half if im not doing so much. just to save it y'know.#and ive always also *occasionally* gotten worse or even a really bad night's sleep after taking adderall#most commonly i'll wake up absurdly early the next morning and not be able to fall back asleep#rationing sleep is always something ive been in the habit of doing anyway as a person w adhd.#sleeping 4-6 hours during the week and 10-12 hours on weekends. just to make up for the deprivation y'know.#but even lately cutting my regular dose in half. it's still too much.#my current dose btw is already half of what it was in high school! i decreased my dose already years ago#but yesterday i finally got the nerve to take. a damn quarter of my own pill#and i took the smaller quarter of the half i cut in half.#i was def taking less than 5mg of my damn medication#and i actually didnt sleep like complete shit! and i was also worried#it might not be so effective.#but it actually worked quite well. i had enough focus to read for several hours#i had energy throughout the day too#i sometimes try to do caffeine on days i cant/dont wanna take adderall but caffeine just does not do the addy things so effectively. iykyk.#i cant believe i have to be so skimpy w my own life-sustaining mental health medications just bc my physical health is so bad#but whatever. whatever!#im gonna take another quarter-dose today and finish pericles prince of tyre. have a great day everyone
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sa tw in the tags. just need to get it out idk
#sa tw#look i know people hate blondie now but god she speaks to me sometimes#i listen to wouldve couldve shouldve and get venomously angry at Him.#and yeah maybe it happened to him too. but what about me? why do i need to have sympathy for someone who hurt me like that?#give me back my girlhood it was mine first! i was an adult too young.#i maintain the peace for survival but god. i cant believe i just. havent lashed out at all#im gonna explode one day#something something promising grown man that makes me sick#thats probably why ive always wanted to be friends with people older than me.#my estimated age by most strangers is about 3 years older#because guess what? ive got a young face and an old ass soul! im like 30 in here! ive been 21 for 18 years!#i shouldnt have had to grow up so quick. i shouldn't have had to keep it to myself for a decade.#my brain is 6 and 21 and 35 and 50
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criticism against barbie and what that whole brand represented is hardly new and i just find it interesting how with the movie and everyones hype for it suddenly no one wants to talk about that particular discourse or act like it never happened..... k
#interesting choices being made with the selective memory#i dont even have beef with barbie like my self esteem was not out here being affected by a doll#but also lets not sit here and pretend people havent been raising these concers for decades
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The funny thing about constantly telling yourself that things could be worse is that sometimes. They are :)
#youd think the moldy trailer was gonna be rock bottom#but apparently its staying in a basement covered in the dust of a thousand thousand catshits#with the same people who traumatized me over 22 years until I moved into the moldy box in the first place :)#because im STILL dumb enough to believe their promises after decades of betrayal! or more accurately i dont get the choice lol#either way if i dont get outta here fast it is game the fuck over. been too much mental and physical pain for this shit to be worth it#fucked anyway given how much debt and permanent degenerative damage has been done but at least I can live whatever shit years I get left#in relative peace#I mean fuck I used all my fucking energy yesterday doing shit for them instead of taking care of my own stuff and WHY#all I got was get asked over and over to work even fucking harder like what the fuck did I expect#years pass and nothing changes for the better with these people what the fuck#and even if I DO manage to find somwhere to stay with folks who WONT lie to me for years to abuse my labor and psyche#I'll be broken in body and mind and spirit and ill need a job within the week to not fall behind#i still havent gotten on my feet and every attempt to rely on family. no matter who.#was just an excuse for them to use me for all I had for nothing in return#cant exactly find roommates with no money no credit no will to live and 20 problems on top of that that mean I cant pay rent yet#and without any family who wont try to kill me slowly or any friends who arent so fucked themselves they cant help its lookin like#im fucked once again gang#to think i was so fucking close to escaping all of this before the pandemic happened lol. even what I had then just isnt possible anymore#if I hear one more baseless 'things get better with time :)))' I WILL vomit until I choke to death like buddy that just isnt true sometimes#straight up some people are born to eat shit and die. babies get cancer. its been 24 consecutive years of eating it and I aint whistful fam#not anymore at least#keep sayin 'well it could be worse' when its about the worst its been and youre just asking fate to prove you right#only reason Im not completely homeless instead of technically homeless is that folks actually on the streets are much tougher sort than I#gonna jinx this whole fuckin rant but it really is a fuckin joke. i cant live like this but most folk Ive met on the street#would jump the moon just to live in the moldy trailer I got kicked out of let alone a filthy basement.#this COULD be a home I could work and live out of. fellas is it picky to prefer despair over living with people who traumatize you#does that answer change depending on circumstance and time or is there truly no justification in not making your life worth it#or am I really just the pathetic stoner burnout dropout that my folks see me as? I mean categorically yes.#is there any justification redemption or even just comfort to be found in that state considering the Weight that induced it#does it even matter if no other person knows what that Weight has been or for how long its built. if no one ever will know? whats the point
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#lmao i just had a pro ana blog follow me#like im not mad about it you can stay if i was uncomfortable with it i would just block them but also idk what youre here for#have you seen the gay pirates yet? i hope you have otherwise i might drive you off#god i havent been anorexic in like almost a decade now. wildin#is it cuz im posting emo?
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I have a fic idea and I dont know if I want to write it or not send help
#like I absolutely love the concept of it and I have yet to see anything similar in this fandom#which. I mean a lot of works are either incomplete since a month after the game came out#or theyre 400 word long oneshots. which is fine no hate towards those but my adhd cant handle reading anything shorter than 15k#but on the other hand like. the amount of research I put into my canon divergence/slight au fics#where I keep like 80% of canon the same but one thing is different? I do those a lot lately#which. might have to do with the things Im into being heavy on the “doomed by the narrative” type of narrative yknow#but ghhhh I dont wanna research this game its so bad#like unironically I cant stand to watch a singular playthrough and considering how many moving pieces there are in the game like#like ok Im doing canon divergence in like. 2 months before That night. bc I dont buy that the camp is haunted and my psychic misses it#(the plot btw is that. because canon Has ghost. the Guy can now see ghosts. enter magic world building and interpersonal history#between a character I know next to nothing about. and an OC I know actually nothing about. despite me making that OC up)#and also the game takes place in america?? I havent been in america in over a decade I can name 5 states on a good day#hhghhhhh#sooo much research. so much. and for what. for a fanfic about dylan lenivy talking to ghosts#no actual plot yet either. except that I personally decided silas is like 12 and therefore dylan adopts him like immediately#...which. happens in several fic ideas I have in brain actually. none of the others are gonna be written bc theyre spinoffs on existing fic#but like. all I know abt the psychic au is that the crew arrive in their van first day of camp#dylan immediately clocks a ghost in his general vicinity and does a spit take so hard he chokes and immediately blows his own cover#then goes “there were NO ghosts when I went to camp here wtf??” and talks to the ghost of one eliza vorez#she does the whole vengence etc etc thing obvs but then apparently. she and dylans grandma knew each other#yknow psychic moms gotta have a Network. so the vorez family does Moon Magicks of the future and die young always as is their burden#and the lenivy family does Sun Magicks of the past and live long fulfilling lives that are dedicated to others#so naturally dylan pulls whatever his grandma told him out of brain and goes “hey dont u have a kid. he ok?” and proceeds to commit adoptio#some more stuff abt the missing hikers and my headcanon that dylan straight up does not live in that state anymore ensue#and uh. idk. he helps eliza and the other ghosts fulfill unfinished business. then punches chris hackett in the face#and rescues max and laura well before anything bad happens to them bc its been like 2 days at most#and the ghosts haunt the hacketts collectively so they absolutely go “oh btw u should probably know ur boss also kidnaps ppl”#(dylan has. a Time. but thats true for every fic I write for this godawful game with terrible writing and great actors </3)
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