#i have. such a set of feelings about my health.. like I'm physically fine i just struggle with chronic pain

[nats--sw]

In your head | Leah Williamson

Leah Williamson x reader It's England's match against the Netherlands, and your girlfriend is willing to do anything to win. Warnings: I think you may find some of the comments a little suggestive. note: set in England's last game, but I changed a few things here and there

You hadn't seen Leah for days, each of you in a different country preparing for a big game as it was every time England played the Netherlands. Your team a little more comfortable than Leah's in terms of qualification, but you would be playing at Wembley in front of an abysmal crowd and as Leah used to say, "The English are never done", so at the end of the day it was a tough game.

At your feet was the chance for your girlfriend to qualify for the Olympics next year, but there was also the chance to take your team to the Olympics.

"Good morning, Miss England" Jill sat down next to you for breakfast, ruffling your hair as she passed behind you.

"Shut up" you said arranging your hair back to how it was before "Why are you only picking on me, Viv is sitting right in front of me and no one says anything to her."

Viv raised her head and smiled mischievously. "Don't drag me into your fights, kiddo."

"Well Viv's face doesn't change every time she has to play against her girlfriend" Jill said as if it was nothing "But you instead haven't smiled for days because you keep thinking about how you don't want to kick your girlfriend's ass."

"These are tough days" you muttered lowering your head "This week it's this game, but then when I go back to England it's Arsenal against Chelsea".

That was another factor, you were playing for Chelsea, having only just won a starting place this season, and winning that game would mean securing the top spot in the table, but Arsenal was desperate for those 3 points and of course Leah was too.

"You're messing with your own head," Viv commented, folding her arms on the table, "Leah knows how to separate things and you should do the same."

"Just worry about giving 100% of yourself" said Jill patting you on the back "Because I assure you Leah will."

"How was the flight?" Leah looked radiant through the screen, smiling practically from ear to ear "You look tired".

"Uh... yeah, I didn't get much sleep during the flight" you mentioned settling better in your bed "How have you been feeling these days? No complications during training?"

Leah narrowed her eyes "Are you trying to get information out of me?"

"What?! Of course not!" you quickly defended yourself "I'm concerned about the physical health of my girlfriend who is apparently going to have her first game as a starter since her injury"

"I'll pretend I believe you" Leah replied laughing "But everything's fine, according to Sarina I'm fit enough to start."

"Good news then"

"Huh, tell your face that" muttered Leah frowning "You know you don't have to go easy on me during the game, right?"

"Yeah" A lie.

"Babe, we're professionals, it's our job to do this. A lot can happen in a match, whoever wins this isn't better than the other, okay? Everything will still be fine."

"I know... it just feels weird."

Leah disappeared for a few seconds from your screen.

"Uh, the girls are calling me. I should go, but please stop thinking about us like that, okay? Go to sleep, I love you."

"Hm, I love you more. Bye."

The atmosphere in the stadium was overwhelming, the energy of the crowd could be felt from the tunnel.

"Looking good, number 25" Leah's voice sounded behind you.

"Uh, you too" you muttered without even turning to look at her, your eyes fixed on Jill's back, who was watching the situation out of the corner of her eye.

"Oh… but love, you haven't even looked at me" her tone was full of teasing. That plus the mixture of her perfume in the air was starting to get to you, "Babe?" your girlfriend's fingers took your chin and made you turn to look at her. "Hi" her smile was dazzling, she knew she was getting what she wanted "How do I look?" she asked raising her eyebrow.

You looked her up and down instinctively, did she look better than usual today? Probably. She always looked good when she wore her England kit, but today she looked amazing.

"You look... amazing" you replied almost as if Leah's gaze had you under a spell.

"What the fuck" Jill turned away, fed up with the situation, slapping Leah's arm to get her to let you go "Get out of here, Williamson."

Leah immediately raised her hands, pretending to be innocent, when she saw Daan also approaching to see what was going on.

"Good luck" she said looking at them and walked off to the start of the tunnel but not before winking at you.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" said Jill giving you a little shake.

"What?"

"Your girlfriend is getting in your head" Daan said looking sideways at Leah who was still smiling "Please YN, we all here know Leah, we knew it was going to be like this because she needs to win this game"

"I told you Leah would give her 100%, and if she's resorting to these stunts it's because she doesn't care if she has to beat you, she'll get it one way or another." said Jill "Listen to me, you will go out there, do your job, you will destroy Earps goal and only after that you will remember again that your girlfriend is the England captain, do you hear me?" this time Jill whispered in your ear as all the other girls from the England team had arrived in the tunnel.

"Okay, enough you two" you said getting a little annoyed "I'm a professional woman, I won't let my relationship affect my work and you should trust me as my teammates and friends.”

"We just want to make sure that-"

"No, I'm not a child who should be told what to do, now shut up you two" was the last thing you said to focus your eyes straight ahead, totally concentrated.

You were so focused on the game that you didn't even notice Daan and Jill high fiving behind you.

The first goal for your team came after the first 10 minutes, thanks to you and your ability to leave Lucy Bronze behind you. You also had another advantage, it wasn't the first time you had faced Earps so you knew where to shoot at the right time, so it was no surprise that your shot ended up in the back of the net.

Jill was the first to jump on you as you ran to a corner of the stadium where you could see some fans wearing the Netherlands shirt.

"That's what I was talking about!" Jill shouted in your ear as she kept hugging you.

Leah was watching out of the corner of her eye, chatting with Lucy, her jaw clenched thinking about how hard it would be to stop you.

Lucy was the one in charge of marking you, but now on every corner kick the person behind you was your girlfriend.

"Nice goal" she murmured close to your ear.

It was the first corner kick in favour of the Netherlands, so you were scared when you heard her voice, thinking that another girl would mark you.

You didn't say anything back, just pressed your elbow against her abdomen when you felt her too close.

"Too bad it was the last one." She muttered again, this time placing a hand on your waist and squeezing.

"Get the fuck off" you mumbled, starting to move from side to side to get her off.

"That's cute" was the last thing she said before the ball was kicked into the box, specifically looking for your head, but finding Leah's head first, who had no trouble clearing it out of the box.

"Shit" you muttered, glancing at Leah who was ignoring you again to focus on her team's counterattack.

"Focus on the game, YN" Vic said walking past you, giving you an encouraging pat on your back.

The first half ended with the Netherlands holding a one-goal lead. You had had a couple of chances at goal, but now in addition to having Lucy behind you, Leah was making a double effort to mark you in the same way, managing three times to get the ball away from you as cleanly as possible, as she always did.

During the half time talk no one mentioned the issue of Leah getting into your head, because from the look on your face everyone could tell that you were 100% focused on the game.

There were only 45 more minutes to go.

But to increase the lead you only needed 20.

"Hey, gorgeous" Leah's voice was in your ear again at another corner kick.

"God, shut the fuck up" you said pulling your body back, pushing her away. Leah, taking advantage of your action, raised her arms when she saw the referee signalling for you to stop the contact.

"You know what you do to me when you talk like that?" she whispered pressing her body against you once her teammates blocked the referee's view "It makes me want to make you- Hey!"

Before Leah could finish her words, your elbow had hit her abdomen hard.

"You two!" the referee came running up to where you were, giving words of warning to you and Leah.

"Come on love, let's be professional" Leah said once the referee left, her face was serious, but you knew her tone of voice showed how much she was enjoying the whole situation.

"Yeah, professionals" you muttered before you heard the referee's whistle.

The ball this time didn't go to your head, but to Daan's head instead, who's attempt unfortunately hit the crossbar, making the ball bounce back to your feet, Leah away from you because she had gone to clear Daan's first attempt.

It wasn't the best position to shoot, you didn't use your good foot either, but still the ball hit the net with the little push you gave it.

Now the Netherlands was 2 goals up on the scoreboard.

The whole team went up to you, celebrating between the rest of the English players who looked at each other blankly, including Leah, who was shaking her head with her hands resting on her waist.

It was all up to you to score a third goal, there were still 15 minutes left, not counting extra time. In a counterattack you were left with only Earps in front of you, but Lucy didn't hesitate to put her foot between your legs making you fall.

The foul had been called and Lucy had got a yellow card, because although she had made you fall it was not a red card action. But after a minute you were still on the ground.

You had fallen badly, with your wrist taking all your weight, plus apparently you had hit your head, or so said Vic who was the first to get to your side to keep you on the ground.

"The stretcher is coming" she said brushing some of the dirt and grass off your face.

"Babe? What hurts?" for the first time in the whole match you heard the tone of voice that Leah was used to using with you, a tone full of softness. One of her hands was placed on your abdomen, and she used her other hand to help Vic wipe your face.

"It's my hand," was all you said, opening your eyes to see that she was kneeling next to you. You weren't sure, but it felt like Leah let out a sigh when she heard that the problem was your hand and not your leg.

"You'll go to the bench." Leah murmured, watching one of your teammates take off her jacket to enter the field.

"Oh, you'll be happy now, Leah?" Vic teased her with a smirk.

"Shut up, Pelova" she said denying, but smiled anyway "Good, here comes the medical staff. I hope it's nothing serious" she said giving you a squeeze on the shoulder before getting up and returning to her position.

When you sat on the bench you were not unhappy with your performance, you had scored the two goals that led your team to a momentary win, but within minutes of you being substituted Leah's iconic phrase was ringing in your ears.

"The English are never done."

It only took your girlfriend and her team the remaining fifteen minutes and 3 minutes of extra time to turn the game around and take the 3 points.

"I can't believe it" was what you muttered as the final whistle blew, covering your face with your jacket, tears on the verge of flowing.

One of your teammates placed her hand on your thigh to reassure you, you didn't know who it was because you didn't remove your jacket from your face until several minutes later.

"Come on, YN" Viv grabbed your arm, forcing you to stand up.

You walked hugging her all the way to the centre of the pitch, where Beth and the other Arsenal girls were.

"Damn YN, I didn't know you had those goals in you" was the first thing Beth said, giving you a hug "You did well, don't worry" she murmured in your ear, knowing -thanks to Viv- how much you were worried about this match.

"You were a real nightmare," said Alessia, who then gestured to you to exchange shirts. "I hope I never see you doing what you did today again" she said with a laugh, referring to the next league match.

"I can't promise anything" you said shyly, still a little upset about losing. You were about to add something else, but in the distance you heard Leah's voice approaching. "Uh, I'll go inside, I think my arm still hurts, so I'll see if they can give me something for the pain."

Viv noticed the lie, but didn't say anything, just gave your healthy arm a squeeze. As soon as you started walking away from the group Leah did too, but Viv was quicker and managed to grab her arm to integrate her into the conversation and stop her from going after you.

"Great game today," Viv said, forcing her to focus on the conversation.

"Yeah, but you guys did well too. I think it was just a bit of luck that goal in extra time."

"That was a masterpiece!" Alessia defended herself, as she had been the one to convert that goal. "But of course, no goal will be that great for you unless it's from YN" she teased Leah, waggling her eyebrows suggestively.

"It's the truth, what YN touches turns into a masterpiece" Leah said, puffing out her chest proudly "I love watching her play, but I'd rather do it from the stands and not a few feet behind her."

"Look at you, flattering your rival, never seen that before from you" this time it was Beth who teased her.

"Since she's been with YN she has become a softie" said Viv, pinching Leah's cheek "Oh, why that grumpy face Williamson?"

"You're all idiots" she said smacking Viv's hand "So what if I've become a softie because of YN? I don't care if you laugh at me."

"We know why you have that grumpy face, Williamson" Jill said appearing behind her, jumping almost on Leah's shoulders "It's because your plan to get into YN's head didn't work out!"

"What do you say?"

"I think you achieved quite the opposite with YN, your words instead of distracting her made her try twice as hard, so thank you for that. Shame we didn't manage to keep the lead but that's the way it goes sometimes."

"Damn" Leah folded her arms "You're saying if I hadn't picked on YN she wouldn't have scored those goals?"

"I mean, she would have anyway, but I think you gave her a little push, so thanks."

At the end of the conversation all the girls laughed at Leah, who had planned all morning to get into your head, but in the end her plan didn't work out.

No one mentioned anything else about the game, let alone Leah. And the truth is, you didn't think about her either, well, that was until after you showered at the hotel, you found a bouquet of flowers on your bed and Jill and Leah chatting on the side.

"No funny business, you hear me?" Jill said to Leah before walking out of the room and leaving you two alone.

The atmosphere was awkward, but Leah didn't care.

"Uh, I brought you flowers" she hurriedly said and took the bouquet, walking over to you and handing it to you, smiling as she saw you accept them "You were amazing today... you were a real nightmare for Lucy and me."

"Don't exaggerate, it wasn't that big of a deal" you said smiling as you saw the card with a dedication in the middle of the flowers "I was the player of the match you think?"

"Yes, I can't deny it" Leah took the flowers from your hands to put it back on the bed "I did what I did because I knew it would be physically impossible to hold you back" she said taking your face, caressing your cheek. "It was a lot easier when you were subbed off, but Lucy got a couple of words from me afterwards."

"You're an idiot for that stupidity to be whispering in my ear the whole game, how old are you? 10?" you said resting your head on her chest.

"What did you expect? You scored a brace, I had to stop you somehow." Leah defended herself.

"Whatever you say... So, we're good then?"

"Yeah, I told you. It's just a game and things happen. I thought you wouldn't want to see me for how much I pissed you off today" she said laughing taking the opportunity to caress your back. "How's your hand?"

"Fine, nothing serious but I need to rest it for a couple of days."

"Good" she said and then started walking to your bed without letting you go, sitting down and making you sit on her lap. "Now... about what I said during that corner kick before your goal..." she said putting her hands on your thighs.

"Hmm..." you settled on top of her, not taking your eyes off her lips "I think that's the first time it's ever bothered me to feel you against my back if I'm being honest."

Leah couldn't hold back her laughter, taking the moment to slip her hands under your shirt "I wanted to do this every time I was behind you" she said before she started kissing you.

You guys stayed like that for a couple of minutes, with Leah murmuring how much she loved you every time she stopped kissing you to catch her breath.

"I've been worried about this match all week" you confessed as you stopped the kissing knowing you couldn't do much more than that.

"Yeah, I know. I think I got text messages every day from your team cursing me out. But I didn't want it to be like that, I like you to give your all always, even if it means being against me."

"It was just a difficult situation, your first game as a starter, qualification, Wembley...."

"I didn't want you to worry about me" she said tucking a few strands of hair behind your ear. "But I want you to know that despite the defeat, I'm proud of what you did today, and I feel like the luckiest person knowing who my girlfriend is and what she's capable of."

"You're such a sweet talker" you laughed but kissed her anyway.

"I know"

Leah patted your thigh to get you off her lap, standing up immediately after that.

"Well I gotta go, see you in a couple of days love."

"Good luck in your next match." You said giving her a last kiss on her lips.

"May the best team qualify, babe."

"Right. Go before you start your little mind games with me" you said pushing her out of the room.

"I love you!"

[olee]

Mil Horas | Enzo Vogrincic

*for the request of enzo :)

English and Spanish

It has been a challenging experience for you to witness the effects of your boyfriend's acting career on his mental and physical health. Your boyfriend, Enzo, recently secured a role in the movie "Society of the Snow," to be honest, this was a big deal for him. This was his first acting gig in a movie, and it was directed by a renowned film director, J.A. Bayona.

The movie's plot is set around a group of people surviving in the Andes mountains, and it follows a gripping storyline that keeps Enzo on his toes. He had to narrate some scenes and play a significant role in the film, which was exciting and nerve-wracking.

However, as the filming progressed, Enzo began to feel mentally and physically drained. He had to work long hours, often late at night, and the pressure to perform well was overwhelming. He struggled to balance his regular life with his filming schedule, and this took a toll on his mental and physical health.

You have been a supportive partner, trying your best to help Enzo cope with the demands of his acting career. You hope he can overcome these challenges and emerge victorious, as this is a significant milestone in his career.

Enzo, the lead actor in the upcoming film, had to drastically change his lifestyle to meet the demands of his character. He was required to follow a strict diet plan, but his dedication to his role led him to take extreme measures. He skipped meals and pushed himself beyond his limits as if he were truly surviving in the wild. As his loved one, you were understandably concerned about his health and well-being. You even spoke to the film's director, Bayona, about Enzo's condition.

One day, Enzo called you on WhatsApp, looking pale and exhausted. He had just finished filming a scene in Barcelona and was feeling weak. You answered his call and asked how he was doing, but before he could respond, you interrupted him and urged him to take care of himself, "Enzo, por favor, necesito que me escuches. Te lo he dicho millones de veces y nunca me das bola. Por favor, cuídate, me tenés preocupada. Necesito que sigas la dieta, si no vas a tener una reacción fea." You reminded him repeatedly to follow his diet plan and emphasized that he did not have to take the role so seriously. You assured him that his health was more important than anything else, and advised him to take some time to relax and meditate.

He sat there at the open-air café, his complexion drained and expression distant, sipping on a cup of coffee. With a reassuring tone, he said, "My love, don't worry about me. I'm perfectly fine. Take a look, just enjoying a peaceful moment with a cup of coffee here, and I wanted to see you. Honestly, Barcelona is treating me well, but I miss you so much, and I really need you here." Unsure how to respond, tears welled up, and you confessed, "Enzo, I miss you too!"

Enzo, noticing your tears, adopted a more comforting tone. "I don't want you to cry. I'm fine. Barcelona is challenging, but I know we'll be together again soon. I miss your hugs, your laughter, everything."

As you spoke, the conversation became tinged with nostalgia. Enzo shared details of his days in Barcelona, enthusiastically describing places and situations. "I swear, I even miss your scoldings here. No one cares for me like you do, and that's what I'm missing."

Amidst sips of coffee, you discussed plans for the future, dreaming of the moment when you would be face-to-face again. "We'll be together again soon. Don’t worry."

The background music caught your attention as he showed you through his camera the charming street in Barcelona where he was seated. To your surprise, it was your favorite song, "Mil Horas" by Los Abuelos De La Nada. A smile spread across your face as you recognized the familiar tune.

Funnily enough, Enzo, caught up in the moment, started singing the song, “Tengo un cohete en el pantalón/Vos estás tan fría/Como la nieve a mi alrededor/Vos estás tan blanca/Que yo no sé qué hacer/La otra noche te esperé bajo la lluvia, dos horas, mil horas, como un perro/Y cuando llegaste, me miraste y me dijiste: ‘loco, estás mojado, ya no te quiero’”His voice, carried by the ambiance of the street, added a touch of spontaneity to the virtual encounter. Without a second thought, you joined in, singing along with him. The distance between you seemed to fade away as the shared love for the song created a delightful connection across the miles.

[scart-t]

Truly madly deeply in love

characters: zayne x reader a/n: im currently addicted to love and deepspace!! i deffo reccomend this game

Zayne's cold and shy demeanor was evident as he monitored the machines in the hospital room. Y/n lay on the bed, still recovering from the surgery, and Zayne barely made eye contact as he adjusted the IV lines.

Y/n, noticing his distant attitude, tried to lighten the mood. "Zayne, thank you for saving my life. I guess being a Hunter isn't as invincible as I thought."

Zayne nodded without a smile, "It's my job. Nothing more, nothing less."

Y/n chuckled weakly, "You may be a brilliant surgeon, but you suck at cheering people up."

Zayne's lips twitched, almost forming a smile, but he quickly masked it. "I'm not here to entertain. Just focus on your recovery."

As days passed, Zayne continued to be the stoic doctor, never revealing the emotions that churned within him. When Y/n asked about her health, he spoke in clinical terms, avoiding any personal touch.

One evening, Y/n caught Zayne in a rare moment of vulnerability as he stared out the hospital window. "Zayne, are you okay?"

He hesitated before responding, "I'm fine. Just tired."

Y/n, realizing his reluctance to open up, decided to change the topic. "Remember when we used to sneak into old Mrs. Anderson's garden and steal apples? Good times."

Zayne's demeanor softened slightly. "Yeah, good times," he mumbled, his gaze finally meeting hers for a brief moment.

As Y/n's recovery progressed, Zayne's caring nature became more evident. He ensured she took her medication, followed her physical therapy, and monitored her progress diligently. Yet, he remained reserved, as if afraid to let his guard down completely.

One day, as Y/n was flipping through an old photo album, Zayne entered the room. She gestured for him to join her, "Look at this, Zayne. We were such troublemakers."

Zayne glanced at the pictures, a subtle warmth in his eyes. "Seems like a lifetime ago."

Y/n smiled, "But we made it through, didn't we? Like always."

Zayne nodded, "Yeah, we did."

It was during those quiet moments that Y/n began to see the caring side of Zayne beneath the cold exterior. As they reminisced about their childhood, she realized that his reserved nature was a shield, protecting a heart that cared deeply.

One evening, as the sun set outside the hospital window, Zayne found the courage to express his feelings. "Y/n, I… I care about you more than I show. I always have."

Y/n looked at him, surprised but touched. "Zayne, you don't have to be so guarded around me."

He sighed, "It's just how I am. But I need you to know that… you mean everything to me."

Y/n reached for his hand, "I've always known, Zayne. And I care about you too."

Their love story took a new turn as Zayne, still maintaining his cold and shy demeanor, continued to care for Y/n in his unique way.

[obizenyukii]

top 10 obizenyuki moments (+all of the honorable mentions that i almost picked bc these three are too much .) DISCLAIMER: these are my opinions and also i talk a lot. <3

under the cut bc this is so long oh my god

number 10

THIS PANEL OF THEM BEING SO AT PEACE RESTING BY EACH OTHER'S SIDE. OBI DEEP IN CONTEMPLATION AS HE WATCHES OVER SHIRAYUKI AND ZEN. THEM SLEEPING SO SOUNDLY BECAUSE THEY CAN LET DOWN THEIR GUARD AROUND HIM. I'M FINE.

every time i see this panel i just feel so happy. they belong together.

number 9

needless to say you'll miss the young miss, but you'll be lonely without me too, i bet. this entire conversation . obi saying this as a light joke but also because he knows how much they both mean to zen. obi searching, in a way, for a reassurance that he /is/ needed and wanted as well, since it's so obvious that shirayuki would be. zen's response. this is a moment that shirayuki isn't physically in so i bumped it down a few places, but it's still so meaningful for the ot3.

number 8

obi longing for zen and telling his bestie (zen's gf, who he's known for also occasionally longing for) about it casually under the stars (and saying he'll say that to zen under the stars) . i know what you are .

this moment is absolutely iconic and one of my personal favorites <3

number 7

ot3 date <3333 the entire next chapter is just a bunch of cute moments of them (honestly could have had like 300 pics on this post if there wasn't a limit). them spending time together, goofing off, having fun and enjoying each other's company. give me 10 more of these dates please.

number 6

whenever i reach out my hand, you would grasp it?

the most iconic trio of all time you will not change my mind. this moment being an unsaid promise between the three of them to always come back to each other . lay me to rest

number 5

THE FACT THAT YOU'RE NOT DASHING OVER TO HER RIGHT NOW IS ALL THE ANSWER I NEED. THE TRUST. GOD. SHE CAN HANDLE HIM. I'M ON THE GROUND.

this moment is not as talked about (at least i haven't seen much of it discussed) but it's SO important to me. so much is being said without needing to spell it out. obi and zen keeping watch from afar, content in each other's company but also making sure shirayuki is in their sight. this is so romantic to do under the stars . they make me unwell. i need a vacation

number 4

obi and shirayuki always keeping zen in their hearts no matter what, despite him wishing not to weigh on them. this also touching on zen telling obi he wishes the title he gave him won't be a burden to him. the bond they have is highlighted so beautifully here. it's pure love <3 i'm sick to my stomach. /j

(& the bonus of obi and shirayuki seeing zen off together and looking at his retreating figure fondly. this is so romantic . i'm crazy .)

number 3

the iconic whenever i'm with you two it's always like this ;^;; <3 obi's love towards these two started to take root here. you don't understand because it's love dude . you don't understand because you were never attached to someone like this. you never had a home to come back to, never had the acceptance and understanding you have in them. dumbass. (said fondly)

it's okay, he learns it later <3

number 2

zen, furiously questioning obi and shirayuki on their health, making sure they're fine, and finally pulling them into a hug. his relief to have them safe and healthy in his arms. them realizing how worried he was . this is probably the most iconic obznyk moment and is a contender for n1 for sure, it was tough choosing between the n1&n2 moments ;; . god this moment. zen's "that's the most important thing" . don't talk to me i love them

number 1

the iconic line that is also my ship tag, if it's for you and mistress, i'm willing to go anywhere </3 this moment was what solidified the ship for me when i was only an anime only (shudders) slowly getting into the fandom. the anime was enough but this entire chapter had me setting my house on fire (joke). the brainworms never stopped. the entire chapter is so crazy ot3 but this moment is my favorite and overall the message/highlight of obi's resolve & his answer to zen's questions. it also showed more than any other moment obi's love & dedication to shirayuki and zen. shirayuki isn't even in this scene but it's still my favorite ot3 moment in the manga so far <3

and now, some honorable mentions. these following moments were all contenders for top 10 bc obznyk is so good. also these are not all of the obznyk moments in the manga ofc. there are many that i couldn't find in my screenshots and tried to find skimming through the manga but failed lol. these are just some classics/faves.

zen's iconic heart eyes

pretty early on in their relationship development, zen liking seeing them together ;;

zen being so happy around obi and shirayuki ;-;

zen introducing himself as obi and shirayuki's companion <3 it's just spelled out at this point lol

zen's heart eyes pt 100, if this post didn't have a limit i would've posted so many more of these

shirayuki and zen fretting over obi and then spying on him (while obi knows and is having the time of his life stringing them along) because he was seen with a pretty lady

it's like a part of me is always by their side <3 <3 <3 this would've been n10, but it's now the official number 11 moment

shirayuki and zen putting their full trust in obi to the point of fully letting their guard down, and obi realizing that for the first time, he's wholeheartedly wanted.

zen and shirayuki being the obi detection/protection squad <3

there's so much more. i love them so much <333333

[astradelphia]

Some random observations about romance in astrology.

♍ Virgo Venus- Virgo have an eye for clean aesthetics. Think 'that girl'. Clean girl makeup. Minimalist dress. Can express love in practical ways eg did you eat today? Let me make something for you. Or going out of their way to help you. They may not even be aware that this is an act of love for them because they just do it instinctively. Virgo can be perfectionists too. They hold themselves to such high standards they might do the same to others. They might help you grow and evolve or they might be too critical- even if they see this as an act of love as they just want to help you be your best self and make the relationship its best- but could be nitpicky or fussy. Most likely to get the ick. If they meet someone who passes all their stages of overthinking they can be very devoted. There's a reason they match well with scorpio. Though more grounded and analytical then emotional this can be a good balance. Virgo represented by the maiden also can be misinterpreted. Being an earth sign I think they can be quite sensual once they've selected a partner. They might view sexuality as a basic need for wellbeing and want to embrace it on a regular basis. They can also be too bodily aware, technical or methodical. Maybe too in their heads and they need someone to bring them out of it. They want total loyalty and commitment. Some may not date unless for marriage - there's too much fine tuning to be done in their own lives to waste time on someone who isn't up to their standards of personal growth. However some Virgo may have a tendency to choose partners who need fixing. This isn't a healthy dynamic but appeals to the Virgo need to problem solve and improve things, an energy best applied elsewhere. They'd make good interior designers with their eye for aesthetics and organizational tendencies. Virgo also value taking care of health beauty and hygiene. Turn offs are the opposite of those or an untidy living environment. Acts of Service could be one of their languages. I think they could also be overthinkers so words of affirmation may be important to them too but they appreciate actions.

♎ Libra Venus - Libra is ruled by the planet Venus so this feels like a comfortable position to me. Libra's have a natural eye for beauty and love of aesthetics. They want to make the whole world beautiful. Don't mistake them as being shallow though, their definition of beauty can be broad and all the Libra's I know have a love of humanity in general. Being an air sign they're also intellectuals. You have to charm their mind to get to their hearts. Deep philosophical conversations, witty banter, discussing anything and everything, emotional intelligence, attracted to inquisitive minds. Libra's value harmony balance, cooperation and peace in all things and in relationships. They'd rather talk things out then fight it out. Might be good at compromising. Might also be very indecisive or fickle but once they truly set their minds on something that's it. They are naturally charming and flirtatious - sometimes they can flirt without meaning too or just for fun without any intention behind it. Some of them may love the idea of love but have commitment issues. Libra being a venusian sign makes them sensual creatures. Pleasure my senses vibes. Physical touch all over everywhere. Makes a good partner because they'll care just as much about your wants and needs as their own. They expect the same in return. A balanced Libra may rule with head and heart but being air signs I'm inclined to think they tend to rule with their heads a lot. Can be over thinkers. Analyzers. Might stare into your soul, scorpio gets the rep for this, but Libra love to understand people and make people feel understood. This can feel like psychoanalysis sometimes but it's out of love they really just want to know how people think maybe out of curiosity too. 'I relate' is their catchphrase.

Libra rules the lower back, hips and buttocks. May possess good qualities of these or may be attracted to them in others. Venus dimples are their characteristic.

They may intellectualize their feelings or yours. They may view emotional displays as more like a debate or discussion them emotional expression. They still mean well but this could be frustrating for some.

♏ Scorpio Venus - scorpio can get a bad reputation so going to focus less on bad stuff here. They are deep. They feel things deeply. Emotional. Very passionate, devoted and loyal. Scorpio is ruled by Pluto the planet of transformations. Being loved by a scorpio may make you transform. This can be intense and uncomfortable for some but can also be a good thing. They want to know you completely - heart, mind, body and soul. They want all your secrets and they'll keep them. They'll probably accept all the feelings you find negative in yourself. Accept your dark side. They may not be so quick to open up to you. This can feel unequal. Scorpio like a bit of mystery so don't dump everything on them in one go you can take some time too. But because they want it all but aren't willing to let you in so much it can feel frustrating. Don't rush a Scorpio though just create a safe space for them to be themselves with you and let them know that you really want to get to know them on the same level too but it's okay for them to take a bit of time. They might need time to build trust but once they're committed to you they could be the most loyal and devoted partner you've ever had. They want to merge energies. They want to make love to your soul. Everything has to mean something beyond a superficial level. Will stare into your soul. Can have an intense gaze. They like people to match or appreciate their depth and intensity but sometimes don't like being stared at even though they do it to others all the time?

Dark side of unevolved Scorpio is stalker behavior. Obsessive. Controlling. Manipulative. Possessive. Jealous. Suspicious. If they sense disloyalty whether it's there or not these traits can come out so be careful.

Could like dark aesthetics.

Jupiter aspecting Juno or Venus positively can indicate good partnership or marriage. In mythology Mars and Venus are lovers. Jupiter is the husband Juno the wife but Venus can also embody wife energy. For the same reason I think Jupiter and Moon aspects can also be an indicator as the Moon can embody feminine energy and wife energy.

8th house synastry - passion. Intensity. Transformation. Soul felt passion. Chemistry. Could be change eachother on a deep level. Pluto/Scorpio energy.

5th house synastry - Okay I love this placement! To me this seems like a best friend and a lover and you could play like kids together. Fun and joyful. It could be a fling, could be flirtatious energy or a crush that's hard to get over. Childlike spirit. Young at heart couple. Could bring out eachothers inner child and be very playful. Could also indicate wanting children together?

Aries Ascendant in composite - young at heart couple. Playful competition with eachother. Unstoppable team together. The couple that gyms or plays sports together. Activates their drive or spark. Really just like being around eachother. Could get competitive with eachother in a negative way if they forget they're on the same team.

Notes: this is just from my notes app so it's a rough thing I might improve this later and make it more pretty and aesthetic or add on to some of the observations.

Disclaimer - I am not a professional astrologer. Personally I take it all with a pinch of salt I don't think you can determine compatibility or everything about someone based on this especially not just on one placement. This is just for fun and can maybe give you some insights and clues about yourself or the other person :)

Hope you liked this post! Feel free to comment if you have other placements you'd like some notes on but please be patient as I'm not planning on posting super regularly right now.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

The shorter version: Hey could you talk about stone tops more? Or anything like that, people who like giving but not recieving?

The longer version: I’m sort of going through that process of self discovery, I’ve been meaning to ask about it somehow- basically I am sexually attracted to people (I think??), I get aroused, I enjoy masturbating, even talking with my partner about stuff we could do is arousing to me. I enjoy some submissive kinky stuff. Hell, my boyfriend (transmasc, both of us are) recently let me go down on him and it was like a fucking religious experience, I LOVED it, but I find it really difficult to enjoy anything being done directly to /my/ genitals. Like, I can feel the sensations, and they feel good, but I don’t build any arousal, like I can’t get in the mood? I know I’m not, but I do feel fucked up and broken. Spiritually, I want my boyfriend to rail me into next week, but physically I’m afraid there’s like. Something wrong with me, like,, I don’t work??? Idk. I’ve got major anxiety, I’ve got dysphoria, I guess I always figured it was one of those things. There’s only so many times I can feel Way Too Seen by fanfiction about Noted Asexual, Archivist Jonathan Sims before I start to wonder what exactly they’ve hit directly on the head, if that makes sense. I’m not asking you to Diagnose Me Asexual lmaoo but I was wondering about more like… asexual adjacent things? My boyfriend suggested I look into “service top” too. I… don’t feel like a top? I’m very submissive. But I’ve heard it’s not always top= dom, bottom=sub… how can I be a submissive top?

Sorry this is… so much. It’s really been weighing on me. Even if you don’t feel up to answering this I thank you profusely for the sex ed content you’ve been posting lately. Demystifying sex and promoting sexual health is so incredibly important, and even just what I’ve read from you makes a difference in the agency I feel over my sex life.

hi anon,

weeeeeee!!! this is a fun one.

so, first off, I'm just gonna throw this out there: liking the idea of something - for instance, your boyfriend railing you into next week - is not an innate sign that that's something you'd like in real life. I'll jack off to the idea of getting railed like Thomas the Tank Engine, sure, but in real life vaginal penetration has never felt like much of anything to me + I haaaaAAAAaaaate the idea of doing anything with even a teeny tiny slight chance of getting me pregnant. some stuff is fine to stay in the brain!

if you do ever decide to tentatively explore it with your bf, that's also fine and wonderful, but let's focus on what we know about your likes right now. you don't want to get fucked (awesome) but you like going down (also awesome). none of that means you are or aren't asexual, btw, there are loads of asexuals in the world who love to get railed and hate going down and also feel every possible way about every other possible array of sex acts. you're only asexual if you want to be, keep that in mind.

you're also only stone or a service top or whatever else if you want to be. words exist to be useful, not as an innate ontological truth to discover within yourself. personally I think it's waaaaay more important for people to refine their sense of likes, dislikes, communication, and boundary-setting than finding the exact right word for their particular cup of tea.

as long as we're talking about terminology, let's get into dom/sub and top/bottom. you're absolutely correct that they're not interchangeable, whatever the hooligans on various hellsites would have you believe. dom and sub are terms for power exchange play, when two people enact a power differential in which one partner is consensually given a great deal of control over the other, be it physically, psychologically, financially, or what have you. top/bottom simply refer to who is acting vs who is being acted upon during a sexual act; while some people identify intensely as either a top or a bottom, it's also a simple matter for those roles to switch on a dime depending on what kind of sex you're into. it's completely possible to have sex without designating anyone the top or bottom, and I'd argue that most people have sex without there actually being a dom or sub involved.

so can dom bottom, or a sub top? of course; people can mix and match whatever pieces of sexuality they want in their own explorations. a dom can boss their sub around like a little servant, giving them extremely detailed instructions about exactly how to rail them, and perhaps punish them (in the fun consensual way, obviously) if they fail to meet those expectations and don't get their dom off the way that was wanted. you can, and I cannot possibly emphasize this enough, do whatever you want forever.

a service top, incidentally, is generally considered a separate thing from a dom (which is not to say they can't overlap!) in that a service top isn't always dominating, but is topping because they enjoy getting their partner off in whatever way they like. the overlap of service tops and folks who are stone is notable!

in your particular case I would recommend not worrying so much about which of these terms, if any, are the correct one for you and focus way ore on exploring and playing with your partner to find a rhythm that works well for the two of you. doms, subs, tops, and bottoms all have something useful to teach people about how they like intimacy, but there's no rush to figure out which category, if any, you fit in. just focus on what's fun and feels good to you and toss the rest.

[chimcess]

Waterlog || pjm (3) (teaser)

Pairing: Jimin x Reader Other tags: Olympic Swimmer!Jimin, Ex Olympic Swimmer! Reader, Swim Coach!Reader Genre: Strangers to Friends to Lovers!AU, Coach!AU, Swimming!AU, HEAVY Angst, Slow Burn, Mutual Pining, fluff, eventual smut, I'm so soft for these two it's crazy. Teaser wc: 391 Synopsis: After a car accident ends her athletic career, Y/N has slowly started rebuilding her life again as a high school swim coach. That’s until she gets a request from an old friend and finds herself back in the spotlight as the new coach of Olympic swimmer, Park Jimin. Warnings: toxic relationship (not reader and jimin), arguments, cheating (not reader and jimin), talks about previous child abuse, anxiety attack, strong language, crying, emotional abuse (not reader and jimin), mentions of depression and mental health, lots of angst in this one, finally making some progress though, age insecurity, mutual pining, lots of side character development in this one, they really are so sweet together, jimin just being the nicest boy in the world, so much PDA, physical touch is his love language 👀👀👀, more in the official posting...

Release date: April 6th, 2024 at 6pm EST

masterlist || playlist

Jimin and I said our goodbyes and I promised the blue haired boy I would call him in the morning to set up another meet up. He called it a group date, something neither Jimin nor I disagreed with, but it did make me feel queasy. Depending on how our conversation goes, we may never spend time together outside of training. I felt like I was going to vomit.

“Let me drive?” Jimin murmured as we parted ways with the couple. 

I nodded, digging in my purse to find them. “Mind reader, I swear. Get out of my head, kid.”

He snickered, “Who says you weren’t in mine, granny”

The queasiness dissipated and I felt like I could breathe a little bit easier now. Being alone with Jimin had never felt this nerve wracking before, not even the first time we met, and it was hard to explain all of the thoughts and feelings going through my head. We were finally having the talk, but I had never imagined it going this way. Handing him the keys, I elbowed him in the ribs.

“Whoops,” I mocked. “You know me and my bad eyesight, kiddo.”

“Watch it,” He hissed, rubbing the spot. “Don’t want you breaking anything. You know you have frail bones.”

I laughed, “Don’t make me give you a knuckle sandwich, punk.”

Sliding into the passenger seat felt less daunting after the light hearted exchange. Still, my blood was pumping as Jimin clicked his seatbelt in place. I had no idea when the conversation would shift into murkier waters, but I needed to start thinking about what to say to him. 

Denying my feelings would only make things worse, and I did not think the younger man would believe me. In fact, he would be offended that I thought he was dumb enough to get bamboozled in the first place. Lying did not seem like the right call anyway. My feelings were not something to feel ashamed about, but they were very frightening. 

“When is later?”

I gasped, startled out of my thoughts. We had been driving for over ten minutes already. Time seemed to slip by when I was lost in my own head. Jimin apologized for scaring me but repeated the question once I reassured him that I was fine.

“Now,” I mumbled. “I guess later is now.”

Taglist: @ownthesunshine @screamertannie @lovelytaes-blog @pernesianparapio @tae-with-some-suga @sumzysworld @chimmisbae

Let me know if you want to be added/deleted from the taglist. -Lex

[mvltiwritez1]

Breathe - Angela Giarratana x Fem!Reader

Requested by: @loverluzer - ‘A love confession with Angela but reader has really bad anxiety so it's kind more like a bunch of word vomit’

WARNING(S): little mentions of throwing up (in a jokey way), really mild swearing

I’m still taking requests! Just Dm me if you want one fulfilled! - August

————————————————————————

"You should tell her Y/n" Arasha said to her friend, taking a bite of her lunch after. Y/n sighed and pulled her gaze away from Angela talking to Amanda reluctantly.

"What if she doesn't like me back? It would be so embarrassing, especially since we're co-workers" Y/n explained, picking at her own lunch, losing her appetite due to nerves.

"If she doesn't then it's in the past, no hard feelings and certainly no awkward situations. You know Angela, she's very outgoing and understanding." Arasha replied, keeping her tone hushed when she mentioned the Italian's name.

"I know she is but what if she feels like she has to say yes? Or what if we can't act like we're just fine? I know we're actors for a living but sometimes it's hard!" Y/n whined slightly, making sure her voice wasn't as loud as well.

"I understand that sometimes it is but you're going insane dude. You're pulling your hair out over a crush, I'm saying this out of love and care but your mental health could really benefit from you just saying it flat out." Arasha gestured with her hands as she talked as she normally did.

Y/n stayed silent, she knew Arasha was right. Why did she have to be so?! Y/n rubbed at her forehead, pondering a way to tell her.

"It's not like I could just pull her aside for a few and be like 'hey I wanna kiss you'" Y/n said, oversimplifying her feelings. Arasha chuckled.

"Okay maybe you shouldn't lead with that but I'm just saying, maybe tell her off of company time like the weekend since it's Friday? Ask if you can come over or just tell her over text, it's really just about getting it out there" Arasha tried giving her best advice and Y/n nodded, appreciative of whatever guidance that could be provided.

"Now, are we finally done talking about your crush for a while? I don't want my lunch to come back up" Arasha joked lightheartedly and Y/n cracked a smile.

——

Y/n walked onto the games set for a Try Not To Win Mario Party video and sat beside Shayne on the couch, the man doing something on his phone before they started shooting. They acknowledged each other with a small greeting as they got mentally prepared to shoot.

Angela walked in after Y/n and sat right beside her.

"Hey Y/n! This shoot is gonna be so fun" Angela beamed at Y/n, a light rose covering her cheeks. Y/n chuckled along in response before talking back.

"Yeah I agree. I can't wait to beat your ass...by losing" Y/n put up a confident front but in reality, her heart felt like it would burst through her rib cage and onto the clean carpet below them.

"You wish" Angela spoke, her voice getting slightly deeper. No one barely paying attention could notice it but Y/n did and it made her all the more nervous that her hands started sweating. The rest of the cast for the video came in along with the crew at the right time, cutting their conversation short.

——

Y/n finally was able to sit on her own couch in her own apartment. She sighed and let her body relax for a second before having to get up and make something for a meal.

She got up after sitting in the quiet of her apartment for about 5 minutes and made a simple sandwich, her energy was down so she didn't want to stand at the stove for a while.

Her mind wouldn’t shut up about Angela, any conversation they had or any type of physical contact between them replayed in her head like an old movie. It was beginning to be unbearable.

Y/n tried blasting music through her headphones but that just caused the thoughts and daydreams to get worse and for her to get a headache. She even tried sleeping early but couldn’t as her mind kept thinking back to Arasha’s advice.

‘Just tell her’

Y/n couldn’t take it anymore so her body carried her to her running shoes and windbreaker and put them on quickly.

Before Y/n could talk herself out of it, she started running. Down the hallway and stairs of her apartment complex until she reached the outdoors.

It had been raining so the air smelled of Petrichor and clung to her skin as she continued running. Her direction seemingly random.

She heaved and puffed as her legs kept her steady, not stopping for a second.

Finally she found the very place she wanted to go, Angela’s front door. Since they were friends, they both knew each other’s address and had been to each other’s places.

Y/n knocked on the door and ran a hand through her - now wet - locks as she panted. The door opened to reveal Angela, dressed in a loose t-shirt, sweatpants, socks, and her glasses with her hair tied up.

“Y/n?” Angela asked before looking around for a vehicle of some sort. Y/n felt like she had to say it or else she would puke.

“Listen Ange, I really really like you and I have for months but I’ve been too afraid to tell you because we’re co-workers and I don’t wanna make things awkward at all but I’m done hiding my feelings from you because I’m afraid that if I do I’ll explode and if you’re uncomfortable I’ll drop it but I can’t handle hiding it anymore I like you a lot and—“ Y/n’s tired ramblings we’re cut off by Angela’s hands on either side of her face and her soft lips on Y/n’s.

Y/n’s eyes grew wide but soon closed and her hands moved to Angela’s waist when she realized what was happening. Angela gently pulled away and looked into Y/n’s eyes.

“I was afraid you were gonna turn blue…or yark” Angela said softly. Y/n exhaled, really processing what just happened.

“You…like me too?” Y/n asked, her voice laced with insecurity. Angela chuckled and looked at Y/n astounded.

“Of course, I thought I was being so obvious!” Angela exclaimed and Y/n blushed slightly while smiling, the information finally catching up to her.

“Thank goodness. I thought I fucked everything up” Y/n said and they both chuckled.

“Now come inside, you’ll get sick if you spend another minute out there” Angela pulled Y/n into the apartment and planned to take care of Y/n first and ask a million questions later.

[dufferpuffer]

~~ Looking at Lycanthropy ~~

Part 3: Regarding the 'Full Moon'...

There is something fucky with the transformation night in POA. I'm going to fine-toothed comb it, collect the extra information we get about Lycanthropy from it – and try to make sense of it all.

Looking at Lycanthropy (all parts)

Words: Approx. 4000

Physical Symptoms (What he feels; what he does; what happens - factual.) Perceived Symptoms (How he seems to others, health focused) Social Perception (What people think of him; His social situation) Self Perception (What he thinks about himself) Timing Information Potion information

NIGHT OF THE TRANSFORMATION – Chapters 17 - 21 Note that there is adrenaline, stress, secrets, emotions whipping back and forth – dialogue is split between seven characters. Describing Lupin's symptoms takes a back-seat to exposition. For example: Lupin looking 'pale' in a quiet moment on the train is one thing... but in a high tension situation? It's more likely to be the mood of the setting rather than describing his illness. But I am listing his more erratic behaviour anyway. B^)

Chapter 17

Pg 244 + 245 The very last rays of the sun were casting a bloody light over the long-shadowed grounds. … … Light was fading fast now by the time they reached open ground, darkness was settling like a spell around them. … … But harry had just seen - slinking towards them, his body low to the ground, wide yellow eyes glinting eerily in the darkness - Crookshanks. … … Something was bounding towards them out of the dark - an enormous, pale-eyed, jet-black dog.

The sun is setting – and has set – long before Remus arrives. Interesting. More on this later.

pg 252 The door of the room burst open in a shower of red sparks and Harry wheeled around as Professor Lupin came hurtling into the room, his face bloodless, his wand raised and ready. His eyes flickered over Ron, lying on the floor, over Hermione, cowering near to the door, to Harry, standing there with his wand covering Black, and then to Black himself, crumpled and bleeding at Harry's feet. 'Expelliarmus!' Lupin shouted. Harry's wand flew once more out of his hand; so did the two Hermione was holding. … … Then Lupin spoke, in an odd voice, a voice that shook with some suppressed emotion. 'Where is he, Sirius?'

Remus barges into a room with Sirius, three children and supposedly Peter. He doesn't know whether Sirius or Peter are guilty – but he puts the safety of the children last by taking their wands and speaking to Sirius when there is at least one murderer in the room.

pg 253 'Hermione, listen to me, please!' Lupin shouted. 'I can explain-' … … There was a ringing silence. Everyone's eyes were now on Lupin, who looked remarkably calm, though rather pale. … … Ron made a valiant effort to get up again, but fell back with a whimper of pain. Lupin made towards him, looking concerned, but Ron gasped, 'Get away from me, werewolf!' Lupin stopped dead. Then, with an obvious effort, he turned to Hermione and said, 'How long have you known?' 'Ages,' Hermione whispered. 'Since I did Professor Snape's essay...' 'He'll be delighted.' said Lupin cooly. 'He set that essay hoping someone would realise what my symptoms meant. Did you check the lunar chart and realise I was always ill at the full moon? Or did you realise the Boggart changed into the moon when it saw me?' 'Both,' Hermione said quietly. Lupin forced a laugh.

Remus is about to have his secret revealed – and for the first time shouts at the children. He is understandably terrified of them knowing, but as soon as its out returns right back to a forced, controlled calm... but the mask has slipped, and we can see underneath at his true feelings. Note that Ron's initial reaction is prejudice, like his mother.

pg 254 'You know how to work it?' Harry asked suspiciously. 'Of course I know how to work it,' said Lupin, waving his hand impatiently. 'I helped write it. I'm Moony - that was my friends' nickname for me at school.' … … 'How d'you know about the Cloak?' 'The number of times I saw James disappearing under it ...' said Lupin, waving an impatient hand again.

Harry is giving him a moment to explain himself, but he acts like THIS whenever asked a reasonable question...? Remus is waffling on about himself instead of Sirius, Peter – or making the kids safe. He is explaining what he feels is most important first: himself. Clawing back the trust and control he just lost instead of prioritizing the kids, or Sirius, or Peter.

Chapter 18

pg 256 'Sirius, NO!' Lupin yelled, launching himself forwards and dragging Black away from Ron again, 'WAIT! You can't do it just like that - they need to understand - we've got to explain -'

Lupin intends to commit kill on the rat – even though doing so would probably sentence him to Azkaban, or straight to a Kiss. He is ready to throw his life away but not before he makes sure the kids 'understand' him. There is a murderer in the room, one Lupin intends to kill – and yet he is prioritizing his image...? Also he is strong enough to hold a skinny, thin Sirius back. Not too surprising – so was a cat.

pg 257 Then Hermione spoke, in a trembling, would-be calm sort of voice, as though trying to will Professor Lupin to talk sensibly. 'But Professor Lupin ... Scabbers can't be Pettigrew ... it just can't be true, you know it can't...' 'Why can't it be true?' Lupin said calmly, as though they were in class, and Hermione had simply spotted a problem in an experiment with Grindylows.

Hermione I am sorry he is too far gone right now. Unreasonable.

pg 258 'The Shrieking Shack was never haunted... the screams and howls the villagers used to hear were made by me.'He pushed his greying hair out of his eyes, thought for a moment, then said, 'That's where all of this starts - with my becoming a werewolf. None of this could have happened if I hadn't been bitten... and if I hadn't been so foolhardy...'He looked sober and tired.

The noises a werewolf makes are more similar to ghosts than wolves. He blames himself for... everything. Peter being a rat and a nasty git. Life would be good if he wasn't a werewolf? Ok, bro. Nice self loathing you've got there.

'I was a very small boy when I received the bite. My parents tried everything, but in those days there was no cure. The Potion that Professor Snape has been making for me is a very recent discovery. It makes me safe, you see. As long as I take it in the week preceding the full moon, I keep my mind when I transform... I am able to curl up in my office, a harmless wolf, and wait for the moon to wane again.' 'Before the Wolfsbane Potion was discovered, however, I became a fully fledged monster once a month. It seemed impossible that I would be able to come to Hogwarts. Other parents weren't likely to want their children exposed to me.'

- He was a very young boy when bitten – and survived. We know that being bitten is no small matter, that another small boy has died from it. He is lucky, too, that his parents kept/stood by him. - Wolfsbane is not a cure – but it is a cure to the lack of control from it. (More on that in part 5). By calling it a cure, it is like he values the control it gives him most of all and wants the children to think of him as cured, at least cured from being dangerous... ...despite missing his dose today. - Wolfsbane 'makes him safe'; 'keeps his mind'; 'curls up in his office' a 'harmless waiting wolf'. How safe is a 'harmless wolf'...? How much of his mind does he keep...? Something more than a 'fully fledged monster', I suppose... - He couldn't expect to come to Hogwarts because other people would not accept him. While that is true – we know there are laws. We know he is the ONLY werewolf to have attended Hogwarts despite Fenrir making a point to bite children. There is a little more going on than just 'parent mad'. I think it is safe to say he is being hyperbolic. That he is a 'monster' normally, that he is 'a harmless wolf' on the potion, he couldn't go to school for a silly little reason like 'grown-ups hate him'... it's him pleading with the kids. He isn't lying but he is playing it up/down.

One piece of information I want to point out here: he 'curls up in his office, a harmless wolf, to wait for the moon to wane again'. Whether he wants to or not, whether he closes all the curtains and hides under the desk: He WILL transform.

pg 259 'My transformations in those days were - were terrible. It is very painful to turn into a werewolf. I was separated from humans to bite, so I bit and scratched myself instead. The villagers heard the noise and the screaming and thought they were hearing particularly violent spirits.' … … 'And they didn't desert me at all. Instead they did something for me that would make my transformations not only bearable, but the best times of my life. They became Animagi.'

First of all: jesus christ... werewolves scream like ghosts, like people. Second: Best times of his life. I wanna bring this up in a post about Patronus', why his is a wolf: Being a werewolf itself, when free to wander, seems to be a positive experience.

pg 260 'They couldn't keep me company as humans, so they kept me company as animals,' said Lupin. 'A werewolf is only a danger to people. They sneaked out of the castle every month under James's Invisibility Cloak. ... Under their influence, I became less dangerous. My body was still wolfish, but my mind seemed to become less so while I was with them.'

He is lying here – or oversimplifying – because he told Hagrid he didn't 'eat anything last night', as in didn't eat Buckbeak. There is something more going on that made being an Animagi safe. Something that, when running around with other 'human intelligent' animals, increased his capacity for control and intelligent thought. He no longer self-harmed when he had a 'pack'.

'Soon we were roaming the school grounds and the village by night. Sirius and James transformed into such large animals, they were able to keep a werewolf in check.' … … 'That was still really dangerous! Running around in the dark with a werewolf! What if you'd given the others the slip, and bitten somebody?''A thought that still haunts me,' said Lupin heavily. 'And there were near misses, many of them. We laughed about them afterwards. We were young, thoughtless - carried away with our own cleverness.'

A stag and/or a large dog is similar in strength to a well-fed teenage werewolf... but not enough to ensure safety. The thought of losing control, of those near misses, haunts him... though he is about to have some near misses damn soon. He is being reckless again right now.

pg 261 'He let me into Hogwarts as a boy, and he gave me a job, when I have been shunned all my adult life, unable to find paid work because of what I am.'

Thankful to have a job – it's unheard of to knowingly hire a werewolf.

Chapter 19

pg 263 'I found this at the base of the Whomping Willow,' said Snape, throwing the Cloak aside, careful to keep his wand pointing at directly at Lupin's chest. 'Very useful, Potter, I thank you...' 'I've just been to your office, Lupin. You forgot to take your Potion tonight, so I took a gobletful along.'

Severus has just been to Remus' office. Remus didn't enter the Willow until it was already dark - and has spent a chapter and a half yapping. Severus felt confident entering Remus' office when the sun had set. Maybe he was just that desperate to reach him in the nick of time...? But Severus didn't bring the goblet with him to the Willow, even knowing the children were there. He has been antsy about Remus' Lycanthropy all year – but isn't forcing it down his throat...? He is far more concerned with Remus' actions as a human traitor then the potential of him being a wolf tonight. The invisibility cloak likely wouldn't work against a werewolf – but even if it did, sneaking around listening to Remus blabber on for minutes on end is hardly the actions of someone who thinks a transformation is potentially imminent.

'Two more for Azkaban tonight,' said Snape, his eyes now gleaming fanatically. 'I shall be interested to see how Dumbledore takes this... he was quite convinced you were harmless, you know, Lupin... a tame werewolf...' pg 264/265 'Come on, all of you,' he said. He clicked his fingers, and the ends of the cords that bound Lupin flew into his hands. 'I'll drag the werewolf. Perhaps the Dementors will have a kiss for him, too –' … … 'Dont ask me to fathom the way a werewolf's mind works,' hissed Snape.

A tame werewolf sounds like a joke to 'regular' people. They are considered, in some way, mentally unwell. Severus has bound Remus in magical cords – but I doubt that would be effective if he transformed. If they were then dealing with werewolves would be as simple as binding them. He is emotionally unstable, but being reasonable: immobilizing the threats and shepherding the children to safety. I doubt he, of anyone, would slip up so badly as to allow Remus to transform... which means he doesn't expect him to transform on the way to the castle.

pg 273 'Shall we kill him together?' 'Yes, I think so,' said Lupin grimly.

Lupin is so calm about killing Peter for revenge, even though it'll almost certainly get both him and Sirius put in Azkaban – if not Kissed, like Severus suggested. This is essentially a suicidal move. His last wish is for the children to understand him, and his motives, are more than monstrous.

pg 275 'You should have realised,' said Lupin quietly. 'If Voldemort didn't kill you, we would. Goodbye, Peter.' … … 'Very well,' said Lupin. 'Stand aside, Harry.' Harry hesitated. 'I'm going to tie him up,' said Lupin. 'That's all, I swear.'

He changed his mind fast. Harry's opinion is more important to him. Honestly it's not too surprising, he is following other people... but it makes his readiness to have his life ended for revenge seem... passive. Casual. Dying for a 'good' reason? Cool. Sirius being hot-and-cold is fair, he's a prison escapee with no future, following his loyalty to James and now to Harry... Remus? Remus just had one of the best years of his life. But he never expects good times to last long, anyway. Harry and his friends know his secret now...

Chapter 20

pg 278 'A cloud shifted. There were suddenly dim shadows on the ground. Their party was bathed in moonlight. ... Harry could see Lupin's silhouette. He had gone rigid. Then his limbs began to shake.

...So it is bonkers that his transformation is working like this, considering everything we know. Full Moonlight is triggering it and was blocked by... a cloud. Walls. Severus, Remus and Hermione all would have known it was a Full Moon - and that he forgot his potion. I can understand Remus and Hermione momentarily forgetting in all the hubbub the fact he was walking out into bare night... apart from the fact that transforming isn't an option for werewolves, nor will simply hiding indoors save them. We know that they will transform no matter what.

It doesn't make much sense – but I will go through it a little later. For now: Moonlight triggers it.

pg 279 There was a terrible snarling noise. Lupin's head was lengthening. So was his body. His shoulders were hunching. Hair was sprouting visibly on his face and hands, which were curling into clawed paws. Crookshanks's fur was on end again, he was backing away - As the werewolf reared, snapping its long jaws, Sirius disappeared from Harry's side. He had transformed. The enormous, bear-like dog bounded forwards. As the werewolf wrenched itself free of the manacle binding it, the dog seized it about the neck and pulled it backwards, away from Ron and Pettigrew. They were locked, jaw to jaw, claws ripping at eachother - … … Too late. Pettigrew had transformed. Harry saw his bald tail whip through the manacle on Ron's outstretched arm, and heard a scurrying through the grass. There was a howl and a rumbling growl; Harry turned to see the werewolf taking flight; it was galloping into the Forest - 'Sirius, hes gone, Pettigrew transformed!' Harry yelled.

Werewolf Transformation: Go rigid; Limbs shake; Snarl (sharp intake/exhale of air from pain?); Head lengthens into long jaws; Body lengthens (this means werewolves are larger than humans rather wolf-sized); Shoulders hunch over; Hair (fur?) sprouts on face and hands (perhaps everywhere but his clothes are still covering him); Hands curl into paws. The transformation is working body and head first – then out to the extremities. One skinny man, turned into a large dog, is enough to battle a thin werewolf man – though the reason Remus runs isn't clear. Is it to get away from Sirius, because Sirius is hurting him? It seems a little unlikely he would be so distracted from all the humans he could bite... unless the amount of potion he has had helps keep his mind clear. Clear enough to chase after Peter, perhaps...? In any case, he didn't remain injured in the morning. - Werewolves, along with human-like screams, howl, snarl and growl.

Chapter 21

pg 295 She looked nervously over her shoulder into the depths of the Forest. The sun was setting now. … … They moved around the edge of the Forest, darkness falling thickly around them, until they were hidden behind a clump of trees through which they could make out the Willow. 'There's Ron!' said Harry suddenly.

More proof of timing – it was nighttime before Remus showed up.

pg 296 'Here comes Lupin!' said Harry, as they saw another figure sprinting down the stone steps and haring towards the Willow. Harry looked up at the sky. Clouds were obscuring the moon completely.

I wonder if he was running partially because he saw the clouds were covering the moon – and he knew as long as he got to the shack in time he would be safe while inside...?

pg 298 And then, at last, after over an hour... 'Here we come!' Hermione whispered.

They were in the long tunnel from the Willow to the Shack for a long time. It was night before they even went in, and nobody felt at all concerned while they were coming out how much time had passed.

~~~ MY THOUGHTS:

So... after the sun had already gone down, but the moon was covered by clouds, Remus ran outside and to the Willow/Shack – in order to confront a murderer hiding there with the kids. He was understandably emotional, but selfishly put himself first: over the kids, Sirius and Peter, wasting time trying to regain trust and respect... despite knowing he had missed his potion. He showed no real concern of the upcoming/current Full Moon – and neither did Hermione.

Severus only thought to bring Remus his potion after sunset and didn't think to bring it to the shack in any sort of emergency situation. He treated Remus as a traitor, not as a wolf – and was willing to drag him back to the castle, through the night. Even he didn't show much concern for the upcoming/current Full Moon, despite through the year being meticulous in his care and glancing anxiously at him when the Full Moon approaches.

However, as soon as Remus walked outside – bound to Peter and an injured child – he transformed the moment a cloud moved and moonlight hit him directly.

Maybe it is understandable to have momentarily forgotten about the danger... but then again, he didn't feel it coming at all...? They are floating Severus behind them who JUST reminded him he didn't have his potion. He has been talking about his Lycanthropy for an hour.

How could he forget? How could they all forget? How could they be so calm on the Full Moon...?

My theory: It wasn't the Full Moon.

We know being a werewolf isn't quite a binary: - You can be 'contaminated' – only showing some symptoms. - Something anyone can tell about Fenrir Greyback it's that he is a bit more 'Wolf' than 'Were' - However, nobody could tell Remus was anything but chronically ill. Most importantly: - You get sicker the closer it is to the Full Moon, even during the day.

It's like the magic from the reflected light of the moon gets more saturated in the atmosphere as the moon waxes... until your body reaches a breaking point and, no matter where you are (like in your office) you transform. But perhaps that process can be sped up – by saturating yourself in direct near-full moonlight?

A premature transformation. It is the night before the Full Moon.

'Premature transformations under direct late waxing gibbous moonlight' Theory:

As it's not the forced transformation at the peak of the Full Moon it's not talked about as often. It's rare to encounter – but not unheard of or surprising. It is still a 'Full Moon' in a way, after all: The moon looks 'Full' for three or so days and is only truly 'full' for a moment.

If werewolves transformed the MOMENT it was truly Full, then there would be months where they transformed during the day. But if they DID transform during the day, then it still doesn't make sense that nobody is worrying about the Full Moon tonight: They would know when the true Full Moon is. They're Wizards.

This can ONLY mean that werewolves don't transform at the true Full Moon, probably only transform at night (when Direct sunlight doesn't drown out reflected Moonlight) and there is a little more going on than just "Full Moon touched me :^( ick". - Most werewolves hide away, already feeling unwell. They aren't going outside pre-Full Moon... so they don't transform. - Perhaps even those eager to transform would rather save their strength for the true Full Moon...? Perhaps it is a weaker transformation (couldn't even beat up a skinny ass dog) so even violent werewolves avoid it? - Maybe they still have a second transformation – Remus did want to leave the school terribly quickly the next day... so he didn't transform there a second night? It's said multiple times they transform ONCE a month... but maybe that's just because most avoid prematurely transforming? - People misunderstand key things about werewolves anyway, like the fact they are humans and not half-breeds. Remembering only the basics, 'Full Moon forced transformation', feels accurate. - Since Wizards are so Astronomy focused, things like the 'true Full Moon' vs 'nights where it's almost full' is already on their minds. The difference between “Late Waxing Gibbous” and “Full Moon” could be the difference between a potent potion or a watery failure. There is no way they're mistaking what moon cycle it is unless drunk. - Remus' Boggart is the Full Moon – because the Boggart thinks he will be scared of transforming – but there is more merit to that if Remus could turn prematurely under strong moonlight.

If the next night was the true Full Moon – then it makes sense that: - Severus was calm about it, not even thinking to bring the potion as an emergency. If Remus was a traitor he was going to Azkaban tonight anyway – who cares about his penultimate goblet...? - Remus wasn't too worried about transforming. He was safe while in the shack, ran while there was cloud cover... he was just distracted when leaving, head full of Peter, Sirius, guilt and worry. - Hermione didn't mention it. She knows when the Full Moon is – it's not tonight. - The night be cloudy. Some planning, maybe even something as simple as covering Remus' skin with a thick cloak, could be enough to prevent his transformation. Tie him up, throw a cloak on him, make sure the moon is covered and drag him to the castle... fair plan.

Nobody was surprised that it happened, and yet nobody thought about it beforehand.

Big moon dangerous – werewolf go brr.

[thebibliosphere]

I know this is a really stupid question, given that POTS is a low blood pressure issue (from what I've found online), but my googling skills are absolute shit and I can't find any answer to this.

Is it possible to have a diagnosis of high blood pressure and POTS? A LOT of what I'm reading about POTS sounds like they're talking about me, personally - including things that have been a problem since I was a teen that I never brought up with doctors because I never considered they were physical health problems (I thought they were all anxiety or being out of shape or my weight even though they were issues when I was thin). But I have a diagnosis of high blood pressure, which seems like it would automatically rule out POTS.

(I also think the high blood pressure COULD be wrong because I only ever get it taken in medical settings where my anxiety is through the roof, and the one time I was getting it taken daily outside of a medical setting it was fine and gah I'm sorry I just can NOT find answer to this and I don't want to have to butt heads with doctors if it's impossible)

I get high blood pressure from my hyperadrenergic POTS. I also have another type of unnamed dysautonomia (listed in my file as "additional dysautonomia") which can make my blood pressure fluctuate wildly. Nurses always freak out when they see my high blood pressure upon initial presentation, but I always tell them they need to take it again after I've been allowed to sit down for 10+ minutes for my blood pressure to level out.

Pretty much the only time I experience low blood pressure is if I'm also having a mast cell event that crashes it.

Talk to a doctor about doing proper POTS testing. If you feel like you fit the bill, there could be some other form of dysautonomia happening, even if it's not POTS.

[kaija-rayne-author]

Why was Isseya 'done dirty' in DAV?

Obligatory 'I'm not an asshole' disclaimer. Feel free to jump to the cut if you've read it.

Something came to my attention. I need to make it crystal clear that I utterly love the diversity in DAV. It's fantastic. I'm also a heavily left leaning, non-binary, queer as fuck reviewer, editor, and author.

I was on media blackout while I played DAV. Please be safe and take care of yourselves. Arguing with incels and white supremacists is completely pointless. They sea lion worse than an actual sea lion. Your mental health is important.

Though, every single time the anti-queer brigade comes out for a new DA game, I sit there thinking 'have you bozos ever played any DA game, like, ever?' My guess is nope.

Note. None of my writing on DA, but especially DAV, is edited. This is just my off the cuff writing. I don't have the time, energy, or heart to edit them properly.

Spoilers for Last Flight and the Gloom Stalker storyline.

CW on ableist language. I had to use it to be clear.

CW on strong language.

CW on tired writing tropes that hurt people.

This one is a little more personal. I've already been told to go touch grass because I have a problem with that game sequence. And dared to try to politely explain why a lot of people feel Isseya was done dirty in it. (By other mentally ill people because, y'know, back biting and infighting is exactly what we need to do to each other.) And someone defending that sequence hit me harder than I really thought it did. That's often the way with trauma.

I'm mentally ill. Not a surprise to many, I'm sure. I'm extremely mentally ill. (By which I mean I have several, and will be on life-long medication for them.) I'm an advocate for several things I live with, and mental illness is one of them.

But I'm doing my best to not slide into a pit of absolute depression, right now.

Just saw someone passionately defending the Gloom Stalker storyline.

It made me as physically nauseated as the actual storyline itself.

Look. You can like/love problematic material. Just understand it's problematic and maybe not defend it?

It's fine to just like trashy material, or poorly written, or whatever. But that doesn't mean you defend it!

You can even recommend it. (I usually choose not to, but it's a personal choice thing.) If you recommend it, just add the addendum that it's problematic and how! It’s truly simple.

Enjoyment is subjective. And what that means is that it's fine to like stuff. Even if it's not good, or it's problematic.

But I personally think it's kinda our responsibility as decent human beings to do our best not to harm people as well.

And defending the Isseya/Gloom stalker storyline in DAV is absolutely problematic and harmful. Even if you don't know why.

Other people might have different reasons for saying Isseya was done dirty in that sequence. But mine are for both story and ableism reasons.

I'll explain, in case you're not in the mood to read my play-by-play (long) review series about DAV.

Isseya is a Grey Warden character from the book Last Flight by Liane Merciel, released by TOR/Dark Horse books and set in the Dragon Age Franchise.

She's the sister of the Grey Warden, Garahel, who partnered with Crookytail. There's a statue of Crookytail in DAV. It was one of the very few emotional moments for me in that game (other than utter horror and rage at the shittiness). I teared up at seeing that statue. At least they honoured Crookytail.

Isseya is an elven mage who, over the course of the book, delves further into blood magic than she should. The wardens are losing the fight. Once she learned she could do it, and once the First Warden learned she could, she was ordered to blight all the living griffins. Griffins were/are semi-resistant to blight. This went so against the griffins instinct against darkspawn/blight that it utterly destroyed them. Isseya was heart broken, horrified, and very against it. But she, like other Grey Wardens, could see they were losing. She followed orders. Neglecting to blight a few of them. Hers, Crookytail. Maybe a few others, it's been a few since I read Last Flight. I've read it twice.

Garahel and Crookytail take down the arch demon of the fourth blight, Andoral. Sacrificing their lives to do it.

Isseya, grief stricken at several events in the book (death of close brother, death of Crookytail, being forced to blight the griffins, the blood magic hastening her own fall into blight and hurrying her calling along) goes to extreme lengths to save the last griffins. Hoping that, at some future point in time, Wardens will be worthy of griffins again. Because they'd proven themselves completely unworthy of them in the book by utterly destroying their species.

Isseya saves Crookytail's last fathered clutch of eggs. (By Garahel's lover's griffin, Revas, if I recall correctly?) Those are the griffins in DAV. Assan is Crookytail's and Revas' son. (Really hope I'm not mixing up Garahel's lover's name with the griffin's name. I'm terrible with names to start with and it must have been 2 years since I read Last Flight. Hells, Revas mighta been Isseya's griffin. I didn't enjoy Last Flight that much. And I'm too fucking tired to look it up.)

Because of their shame in destroying the entire griffin species (because they intentionally don't know that Isseya saved that last clutch of eggs) the Wardens created the pile of unhonoured, unremembered bones that we see in DAV in the Cauldron.

It's not my favourite of the books, but it is beautifully written, tragic, but with a gleaming golden line of hope running through it. (It’s also why I would never choose to allow Wardens to have griffins again. Ever. They don't deserve them and they've already proven it to the almost extinction of their species.)

They didn't even have the decency to honour the griffins they destroyed who fell defeating the fourth blight. Which was actually all of them except those thirteen? eggs that Isseya saved. It's utterly disgusting. I believe the Cauldron is meant to be. If I recall correctly, that arch-demon skeleton is the same one Garahel and Crookytail died to defeat.

That's where whoever wrote that ableist travesty of a storyline went wrong. Up until then, the story made some sort of sense.

I can actually see Isseya stealing the griffins. If, out of fear, she'd watched the Wardens who found them, and finds that, no, maybe they don't deserve them, yeah, I could see her stealing them. She'd already done so much to save them, you see.

Story wise, it's just shitty writing to have her stab a blade into the bones of a 400 year old arch-demon skeleton and get liquid blood.

It's shitty writing to use such a harmful fucking trope, too.

She then, because 'she went mad from grief and guilt' because she's 'crazy' intends to blight the griffins she fought so hard to save?

Excuse me, now? Does that make any kind of sense to anyone?

Oh, but it's because she's mad! Crazy!

Y'all do know that both mad and crazy mean mentally ill, right? That they're innately ableist words that have been weaponized against mentally ill people for centuries, right?

If you didn't, you do now, please do better.

So let's break that down.

1. There is no Lore that indicates that the blight makes someone crazy/mad. Nor automatically into rage monsters. A being can become blighted in two ways. One is the regrettably written Broodmothers that BioWare has been trying to get away from forever. A being can also become a darkspawn by being blighted. Usually it kills, but in a small percentage of intellectual beings, it turns them into darkspawn, instead. But BioWare replaced the whole Broodmother concept with the 'anyone can be blighted into turning into a darkspawn.' Meaning it is Canon. That's what Wardens willingly do to themselves. They turn themselves into darkspawn. It just takes a while to set in.

Blight, in the Lore, basically makes the blighted hear 'the song' and only the song. That's what The Calling is. A Warden hearing the song and becoming a darkspawn. That's how it's always been depicted. Anyone 'losing their mind' (and please, just stop and think about how ableist that concept is, too? For a second? Please?) to the blight is just overwhelmed by the song requiring them to dig for arch-demons. (Unless there's an ascended arch-demon, but I'll get to that.) This is clearly laid out in the Lore and even, IIRC the book Last Flight itself. There are a few darkspawn who can resist what must be the worst case of tinnitus ever. There's The Architect, blighted, completely sane, not a rage ridden beast, and also diametrically opposed to anything the unblighted want. There've been stories of Hurlocks (blighted humans) working on behalf of the unblighted. The blight doesn't drive people mad/crazy in the Lore. At all. That excuse doesn't hold water.

Darkspawn don't turn into raging, bloodthirsty monsters until an arch-demon rises. Again, this is well established in the Lore. It's something about the arch-demon that makes them like chad-bros with bad attitudes, testosterone poisoning, and probably steroid abuse on top of it. Without an arch-demon (who we now know is bound to an incredibly pissed off Evanuris) they basically dig. Dig, and dig some more. Sometimes they raid for supplies. That's how it is in the Lore. And yes, I can actually prove it. Am I going to? With specific links and references (which i really could do) no. Not unless someone wants to pay me. I just don't care enough. I have, unfortunately, marinated myself in the Lore for years. It's been a long standing autistic special interest. I honestly wish, after playing DAV, that I could forget it all. Alas, it's not likely.

2. The basic premise of Isseya being 'mad/crazy from 400 years of 'guilt and grief' is ableist from the start. Saying that grief and guilt can drive people to mental illness isn't problematic, because it can. But saying that she's driven to violence and horrific actions because of it is just harmful. Saying that the blight automatically drives someone mad with rage/anger is also ableist. There isn't anything wrong with rage or anger. It can drive us to do awful things, but also good things like political advocacy. And in one of the supplementary pieces, it's established that darkspawn don't usually feel anything. They just... dig. They dig even while they're starving to death. Rage and anger? Yeah, those are emotions. And they also don't make you insane. Oh, but there are ascended arch-demons in DAV, therefore it must be fine to say Isseya is mad because the arch-demons being free alter the darkspawn into raging, bloodthirsty beasts. Right?

Except that's not what was clearly said to be the reason Isseya is supposedly mad/crazy. That was grief and guilt. Ableism is fun, no? /s

I'm not even sure if Elgar'nan's and Ghilan'nain's dragons really count as arch-demons despite the game calling them that. The rage of an arch-demon was likely that of the Evanuris it was bound to. Ghilly and Eggy are free, and upset, yes, but not rage stricken anymore. I'd think the 'arch-demons' in DAV to be just blighted dragons. But we all know how poorly they actually adherred to the Lore, anyway.

3. There isn't any mental illness I'm aware of that could make someone who sacrificed so much trying to save the last griffins because of her part in destroying them, want to then destroy them. It's like saying that mental illness can make people completely ignore sacred, bone deep beliefs enough to do the exact opposite of what they've committed to doing with everything in them. It's problematic, harmful, and ableist as fuck.

It's always the crazy/mad (mentally ill) villain. Always. I'm so nauseatingly sick of it. It's a tired, harmful trope that gets mentally ill people killed every single day.

Violence isn't a part of most mental illnesses, you know. It just isn't. The most mentally ill people usually want is basic respect and dignity, no problems refilling our meds, maybe tea, fluffy socks, and a good bit of entertainment to distract us.

The 'mad/crazy villain' trope robs us of basic dignity and respect. I'm so very, very tired of it. Whoever wrote and Whoever approved that sequence in DAV should absolutely be ashamed of themselves for it. It hurt and nauseated me to play it. It probably hurt and nauseated a lot of mentally ill gamers. And we're not a small percentage of gamers, in general.

And yes, it absolutely did Isseya dirty. In the shitty writing, (blood from bones, really? Really really? Marrow would be dried to dust or a rocky texture, and it's not impossible to stab through bone, but it's certainly unrealistic). The usage of a tired, harmful, ableist trope, too. In the claim that she'd been driven so mad she'd turned eeeeevvvvviiiillll by...checks notes... grief and guilt. Okay then. Yeah. That's perfectly fine. (That was the ripest of sarcasm. It is not fine. It gets people killed.) And it completely obliterated a beautiful, tragic story with a gleaming thread of hope into... that. Having to kill the person responsible for saving the griffins and sacrificing so much to do it... it's grotesque as well as harmful and ableist.

Can someone please explain to me, using small words, how that's not doing Isseya dirty?

Do you know that mentally ill people are responsible for 3% of violent crime? The rest is on all you neurotypicals. The whole 97%.

Yet it's always, because of ham handed, harmful narratives like the Gloom Stalker sequence in DAV, the mentally ill who are first blamed for anything violent. If they don't say it's autistic people. Because that's the other group that is always blamed, again, because of harmful narratives in fiction and misunderstanding by people who don't bother to learn better. Autistic people are almost hard wired to avoid hurting others. We're generally your classic white knight, tilting at windmills type. Everyone can be driven to violence. Humans are an innately violent species. So, while yes, we can be driven to it, it takes so much more to do it than it would for a neurotypical that it's ridiculous to automatically accuse either mentally ill or autistic people of violence.

Lucky me, I'm both.

Do you have any idea how much it hurts to be part of such an abused minority? Two of them? Do you have any clue how much narratives like that one are overused? What ham-handed, harmful, ableist claptrap they are?

Do you have any idea how hard it is to find media to enjoy that doesn't hurt when you happen to be mentally ill?

If you do know, I'm so, so sorry. I get it. And I deeply wish none of us had to.

So that's why Isseya was 'done dirty'. Other people's why might be different, but I bet a lot of people's are similar to mine.

My work of words is my only income. I'm recovering from a pulmonary embolism and my husband is recovering from a broken back. Money is so tight it squeaks. If my writing does anything for you, please consider a tip or buying my books. You might actually like them.

And I will never, ever, use 'mentaI illness turned me eeeevvvviiiilll' in my work.

I'm better than that. Oh, what... I'm supposed to not make a moral judgement about work that hurts people and gets them killed? Fuck that.

Did that offend your precious feelings? Go touch some grass.

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

Silver, Idia: Believe in the Me that Believes in You

I’m not a huge fan of Silver, but his Broomquet Groovy is one of my favorites ^^ I really love the color of the sky and how the birdies have come to fly with him!

Silver talks about training with Lilia in this interview; I kept thinking of Mulan's training montage during it. He also mentions that Lilia pat his head for the first time in a while and told him he's grown into a fine young man so of course I had to make jokes about how "it'll be the final time" and "Lilia's finally booting Silver out of the house now that he's 18 so papa can fuck off to retirement"—

A Boy in Bloom, and his Flowering Future.

"How do you spend your days off?"

Idia looked up from his clipboard. H-Huh?! Do I really have to ask this?! I-Isn't it obvious what Silver-shi's answer will be? Obviously, an air-headed macho man like him's going to say...

“When possible, I work on my equestrian skills and horse handling technique. Otherwise, I train.”

“O-Oh… right…” Idia failed to curb his lack of enthusiasm.

See?! I totally predicted that!! He’s got zero brain cells upstairs, all the brain cells were beaten out of existence by his muscles! Now all that's left is a space-case!

Silver took one look at Idia’s bug-eyed stare, and a realization (the wrong realization) set in. “Are you curious about my regimen? I’m sorry, I will elaborate.

"As one of the young master's knights, it is my responsibility to protect him. This requires maintaining peak physical performance. To begin with, my regular warm-up involves stretching, then 100 sit ups, 100 push-ups, 100 squats, and a 10 kilometer run."

"B-B-BWEH?!" Idia practically choked on his own saliva. "D-Did you really just say all of THAT for a warm-up?! And you do that willingly? For FUN?!“

"Yes, that's right. It's very light and helps to wake my body up. After that is when the 'real' training begins. I do cardio and focus on different parts of the body depending on the day of the week."

"Wh-When do you find the time to take breaks?! J-Just listening to you describe your daily exercise is making my muscles cry..."

"Ah, you're wondering how I'm able to keep up with my routine."

Huh?! It's like this guy just button mashed his way past NPC dialogue and only got the gist of what I just said!! I didn't think it was possible to meet someone that runs on autopilot IRL!!

"From a young age, my father instilled in me the importance of staying active and fit." Silver smiled fondly at the thought, ignorant to Idia's woes. “He set up obstacles courses and would give me chores that built up my strength. I’d also play tag with the animals when I wasn’t chopping wood or fetching pails of water for us.

“Sometimes Sebek would join me. We’d have a lot of fun together braving spiked pits, climbing cliffs, and surviving in the wild with only the clothes on our backs. We came out of it stronger in body, mind, and heart—they were very valuable experiences for us.”

Serenity never parted from Silver’s face the entire time he described his hellish childhood. Meanwhile, his interviewer had progressively grown paler and paler. Now he was the exact hue of a fresh corpse.

“Hmm? You don’t look too good, Idia-senpai,” Silver noted. Worry suddenly marred his gentle beauty.

He jumped. “N-Nope! I-I'm fine, my health is at max!!"

A lie—the entire interview had been mentally draining for the introvert.

"Are you sure?" Silver stepped closer, his expression turning deadly serious. “If you’re feeling unwell…”

Idia gulped. He wasn’t certain if he was overheating from the scorching May day or if it was his nerves getting the better of him.

“… You should work out with me and Sebek. I’m sure he won’t mind the extra company.”

A freight train slammed into Idia’s gut. He staggered back, mouth hanging open at the audacity of Silver’s suggestion, the one million and one things wrong with it.

"A-Are you crazy or what?! Th-There's no way I'd survive!! The only exercise I do is waving light sticks around for idol concerts, I can't handle anything more than that! P-Plus, a shut-in otaku like me can't deal with being shouted at just for existing, I’ll instantly fold!!"

“I understand, Idia-senpai.”

For a moment, his hopes welled. “A-Alright, GG. We’re done with the interview then. You can get going on the birthday road now…”

But much to Idia’s horror, the birthday boy continued.

“I also told myself, ‘I can’t do this’ and, ‘I want to give up’ when I first started my fitness journey—but throughout all my doubts, my father was there to support me, and Sebek was my friend and rival, motivating me to improve.

“At NRC too… I’ve met people who support me. I can ride a horse as well as I can because Riddle instructed me. I won an arm wrestling contest because my classmates cheered me on. There are many things I was able to do only because others were there for me in my time of need.”

“Where… are you going with this shounen anime protag speech?” Idia asked warily.

“It’s hard to do it alone, but you’re not alone at all, senpai. I will be there to cheer you on, and we can work together to help you accomplish wellness goals.” Silver stated matter-of-factly. “I believe in you, so please believe in yourself!”

“E-Eh…? Seriously, what’s with you… Is everything I’m saying going in one ear and out the other?”

H-How can one person be a literal beacon of light and goodness in the world?! Is Silver-shi really the kind of person who tries to empathize with even the characters fandoms unanimously hate? Would he walk up to a broom and try to shake its hand?

A firm pat on the shoulder snapped Idia out of his spiraling thoughts. He found Silver staring him down, an encouraging smile on his lips.

"I need to head off on the birthday road now, but I want you to know that you're always welcome to my workout sessions, and I'll always be in your corner."

"W-Wait," Idia stammered meekly, "I never agreed to take you up on your offer... P-Please tell me you won’t show up unannounced in my dorm to drag me outside…!!”

WHOOSH!

The Ignihyde dorm leader was silenced by a powerful kickback of magic to the face. The fire of his hair flew around him—and when the flames cleared out of his sight, he saw that Silver was already a dot in the distance.

Petals danced upon the breeze, as white as the clouds stretched across the brilliantly cerulean sky. Night Raven College was drenched in golden sunlight, and spring come out in full force. The day was as picturesque as an image straight out of a storybook.

Thrilled song filled the sky as a procession of birds joined him in flight. Pink, green, blue—a flurry of colored feathers as they hurried to Silver’s side.

One planted a light peck on his cheek, another nibbled on the ribbon trailing from his bouquet. The third paved his way, trumpeting the arrival of a prince, pure of heart, with his beloved animal companions.

It was as though Mother Nature's messengers had come out to wish Silver a happy birthday.

Idia was almost mesmerized by the sight.

Almost.

“Silver-shi really does belong in a whole new world… far, far away from me!!”

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for feeling exhausted by offering comfort and support to my friends?

So for context, I've always preferred to help my friends with their problems. I think I've done a pretty good job of knowing when to stop and not micromanaging with this, and it's worked out well for a lot of my relationships in my life.

Last year, I joined a new fandom space and made fast friends with a person who lived in my city. Though I was excited about this, I understood that it was unlikely we would meet up unless we got to know each other. We started talking, and I soon found out they had a lot of issues with their mental health. I had no problem allowing them to vent, though I did set some boundaries there so that it wasn't just traumadumping in my dms, and everything seemed fine. They would often ask for my advice on specific things, which I would always offer to them. Everything was fine for a while. I appreciated that they took my advice, such as going to see a counsellor outside of their school counsellor, as well as joining a youth group to make some more friends.

This person, sometime in the summer, began to have a significant decline in their mental health. It was a gradual decline, so I guess I got sort of frogboiled into what eventually happened. Essentially, they began to have dissociative/depersonalisation episodes which they would describe to me asking for my help. Sometimes they would describe to me past traumas they were reliving through their episodes, most notably of which included a physically and mentally abusive father who was (importantly) still in the picture, as well as being groomed online at the age of ten.

Well, I later found out through a mutual (irl) friend who it turned out went to school with them and was decently close to them that it's pretty likely that none of this was true. Their father had been out of the picture since they were born, they often complained about how their mum had never let them have a phone or social media until they were in secondary school, and they weren't a member of any youth groups that my friend knew about. According to this friend, too, they'd been attending counselling for longer than they'd known me, so the big amazing moment I inspired them to get therapy was totally fake.

I ended up confronting this person, and they admitted that it had been a lie, and that their "episodes" had really just been them feeling upset. They justified this saying they were forced to make it seem worse or I wouldn't take them seriously. They also revealed they'd never read any of my fanfics, when their gushing over my writing had actually been the main reason I'd bonded with them in the first place. I cut contact with them completely.

I'm sort of over this now, but ever since I've been extremely weird about giving my friends advice on anything. I know most of my friends aren't like this, but ever since this whole thing I've found my ability to offer advice has just stopped being a point of positivity for me. Other people take my advice well, but I just feel a little uncomfortable when I do it nowadays, rather than getting the satisfaction of helping a friend, and it leaves me feeling tired and burnt out.

I guess my question is am I the asshole for caring so much about my feelings when trying to help my friends?

What are these acronyms?

[satancopilotsmytardis]

Hate to start the day doing this, but some reminders for boundaries:

Please do not share with me or on my posts details about your mental health, about your experiences with BDSM, or excessive personal information. We do not know each other, and this is a place to talk about fictional characters. People are welcome to discuss kinks here surrounding Shigadabi because that is what my writing is dedicated to, but please do not share personal information that I haven't asked for or consented to learning about.

Please do not use my blog or stories as a source for education. I am writing about fictionalized settings in which the things depicted will never be fully accurate or true to life. Taking advice from my writing, ESPECIALLY when it comes to entering a BDSM dynamic, can be dangerous for you and your partner(s). Please find actual educational resources to ensure your safety before you proceed. Even when I do talk about my own research, I do not do so with the amount of detail and specificity to be a reliable source of education. If you have sources like this, please do not share them through my blog, as this creates mixed signals about the content that is posted here.

If you are uncomfortable with dark material such as sexual assault, rape, all forms of abuse, physical and mental torture, involuntary body modification, etc., and the possible romanticization of these topics, then it is in your best interest to leave my blog. I do enjoy writing and discussing dark topics because I find them to be interesting avenues for storytelling. When I write a full story, I tag this content appropriately, and I do not owe anyone an explanation over why I choose to engage with these these or justify why they appear in my writing. It's fine if these are topics that you do not want to engage with or that you find morally reprehensible. If that is the case, then leaving/unfollowing/blocking me are all appropriate ways to avoid seeing this kind of content in the future. Anything else, such as belittling myself or others on my posts, sending comments or DMs that ridicule or demand an explanation for my writing of these topics, or messages that convey your disapproval and tell me that you won't be engaging with a story because of a topic, are not appropriate and will have you permanently blocked from my blog. You are welcome to your boundaries and criticism, but I do not have to be a place that hosts it.

Please do not recommend fanfics to me. As I've talked about before, once I'm in deep for a fandom or ship, I stop reading any other writing about the ship. I do this specifically because I don't want to take the ideas, intentionally or unintentionally, from other writers, so I am never going to read a recommendation. I'm so glad that you have other writers and stories that bring you joy, and you should absolutely post about those stories either directly talking to the writer in the form of comments/asks, or create a recommendations list so that you can share that joy with other people as well! But my blog isn't a suitable place for it.

My goal here is to share what I love (kinky Shigadabi fanfic with a heaping dollop of introspection) and hopefully provide some fun for those of you who have chosen to join me! If at any point my content no longer makes you happy or causes you joy to engage with, you owe me absolutely nothing, and you should pursue that joy elsewhere! You will not hurt my feelings for doing so because we don't know each other!

I want to add that, overall, the community that is forming here has been incredibly kind, supportive, and respectful, and that logging on and answering asks or talking about the latest brain worm that's been chewing holes in our heads has been a consistent highlight of my life for many months now. Thank you to all of you who have been making this a joyful place to share kinky Shigadabi content 🩵

[goose-duck]

♡Our World♡ (Pt. 5)

Killer x Reader

~~~~~~

Killer from One Piece x reader

Killer is in our world and meets you!! :D

Pt 4 Pt 6

~~~~~~

Y/N expirencing health problems and Killer helps

~~~~~~

•Physical/mental health problems

•Self harm/Suicide talked about

•Slight NSFW but not too explicit

•Comfort!!

He'd been living with me for a few days now and it was starting to feel normal, like he was always meant to be in my life. Thinking about it makes my anxieties spike..I have no idea how long he'll he here or if there will even be a warning before he leaves. I sigh to myself, trying to find something else to think about. Killer looks over hearing my sigh and gives me a worried and confused look. I look over at him and make a small gesture indicating that I'm okay. He nods at me and returns to watching the TV. We're both in the den, he's got his elbow rested on the arm of the couch and I'm leaning against his shoulder. We're watching a cooking show, he seems to like it a lot. I'm happy he's enjoying himself here.

While watching the TV I notice my vision blurring a bit. I squint my eyes a bit then try blinking quickly, trying to make my vision come back but my eyes start watering. Lucky everything is subtle enough Killer hasn't noticed. He's seen me struggle with my health already but I try to avoid making it something he needs to worry about. I start to feel dizzy and I can't take it anymore, groaning and covering my eyes with my hands as the headache sets in. Killer looks over at me, “what's wrong?” He asks sternly, making sure he has my attention and I can lie my way out of this. “It's fine…just a headache” I whine out through my pain knowing it's not just a headache. “It's obviously not okay. What's going on? Is there anything I can do?” He asks softly, putting a hand on my thigh. “Turn the TV off.” I say while groaning, it sounds a lot more aggressive than I'd intended but it gets the point across.

Killer quickly turns the TV off, flicking the lights off too and closing the curtains quickly figuring out I'm having a migraine or something along those lines. My body relaxes a little as the room gets darker and quieter, however I still keep my hands Iver my eyes, putting pressure on the point of pain just above my left eyebrow. I'd been hit with a baseball a few years ago and my doctor refuses to take it seriously so the problem only got worse until I got a new doctor who informed me my brain was damaged and my skull had been cracked and has since healed wrong. It's miserable, the pain I get sometimes. I haven't told many people, I feel dramatic when this happens and all I can do is whine and cry and wait for it to end. I feel so pathetic.

Killer kneels in front of me putting his hands on my thighs and rubbing them a little, he whispers, “please tell me what's wrong. Is it a migraine..?” He sounds more distressed than I'd expected. I've had many people be a little concerned but ultimately move on when I brush it off but he's persistent. I let out a strained sigh, “I don't know…it's…nerve damage around there…” I weakly point just above my left eyebrow where the pain is centered at. Killer takes my shaky hands in his own to move them out of the way so he can get a better look at my forehead. He doesn't see anything, it's not a visible injury, not anymore. This seems to worry him more, it's not something he can fix easily if it's internal. He lets out an irritated sigh as he realizes there's not much he can do. “What can I do help?” He concedes, not knowing how to help me. I'll be the first to admit I'd never learned how to properly deal with this, usually opting to just suffer in silence until it goes away. I whine at him, in to much pain to really use my words anymore, pulling my hands away from his and putting pressure back on my forehead.

Killer quickly goes to stop me, understanding why I'm doing this but knowing it's not really fixing anything. He gently grabs my hands again, trying to be gentle as he pulls them away from my forehead but I put up a fight. He continues trying to be gentle but is getting annoyed with me and end up just roughly pulling my hands away from head causing me to let out a gasp. He panics a little and rubs my hands, “Are you okay? I didn't hurt you did I? Did I hurt you? Y/N?” I groan at him in slight annoyance but nod to tell him I'm fine, I just wasnt expecting him to do that. He lets out a shaky breath, relived he didn't make things worse. I sit there shaking in pain and squirming as he holds my hands on my lap. He whispers comforting words to me, occasionally kissing my hands.

Soon it's over and I calm down, breathing a bit heavily from the intense pain i was in. I feel the wetness around my eyes, I must have started crying at some point. Killer looks up at my exhausted form once I sto writhing around. He gently sets a hand on my cheek and wipes some of my tears, giving me a soft look, “you okay..?” He asks softly, still caressing my cheek. I lean into his touch and nod. He smiles at me a bit before looking down at my still shaky hands in my lap. He rubs the hand he's still holding, “Do you know what that was..?” “Some sort of nerve damage…untreated head injury…” he nods silently. 

He moves his hand up my forearm a bit, holding it gently and pressing a kiss to the inner side. I'm a little shocked and confused, “what was that for?” I question the blonde. He just kisses my forearm a few more times not saying anything. I get progressively more confused before it hits me and I freeze up a bit. “Is…is it my scars..?” I ask hesitantly. He nods, still gently pressing kisses to my arm. I awkwardly hid my face in his hand still on my cheek, my face heating up as I'm embarrassed of my past actions towards myself. I kiss the palm of his hand before using my free hand to move his hand away from my face, rubbing it softly. “I don't do it anymore…so…don't worry about it…okay..?” I whisper to him as if someone else would hear me. He stops kissing my scars for a second and gives me a look. I quickly return the look, squinting at him quizzically, “don't belive me?” I ask with a snarky tone. He rolls his eyes at me, “Y/N…I did see your thighs in the tub earlier.” He says in an obvious tone. I shut my mouth immediately rembering he'd cleaned me earlier. “Ohhh…haha….right…..” I trail off, avoiding eye contact.

He glares at me like a disappointed mother before sighing and dropping his head, “Y/N…please…” he sounds so done with me and my playing off everything as normal. I make a strange face as I realize I've been caught with my problems, “uhhhhh…I probably won't stop, I'm not gonna lie to you.” He looks up, glaring at me again before relaxing his face again, “fine, I can't force you I guess…just…don't take it too far…” he asks me nervously, giving me a desperate look. I put a hand on his head and rub it a bit, much like what he does to comfort me sometimes. “I tried it once…it was such an embarrassing failure I don't think I could dare try again..” I admit softly to him, knowing it probably won't help much but it's the truth. He looks very concerned at the idea I've tried to end my life before but he trusts that I'm not lying about being too embarrassed to ever try again. 

“Can you…uh..” he starts to ask me something before giving up, deciding it might not be worth asking. I already know what he wanted to ask, “you wanna see it…the scar from when I…uh…there's a scar…um…other arm…” I mumble out, I want him to see, I don't want to try to hide myself from him, that doesn't make this any less of a tough subject though. He turns his head to look at my other arm, holding it gently in his hand and brushing his fingers over the large scar. He does something I really should have been expecting from him by now but was still shocked by, he kisses the scar…the scar from when I'd tried to end myself…he kissed it like any other scar…like any other part of me. I feel myself tearing up again but manage to hold back from crying again. “why'd you do it..? If you're okay with telling me…” he mumbles against my scar. 

I tell him why I did it, what pushed me to the point of finding now value in life, what was the final step to me wanting to fall off the earth. He pays close attention, nodding when I'm done, “I'm happy you failed…even if it's something you're embarrassed by…if you weren't here…I suppose I wouldn't know…but…I feel like I'd know something's wrong anyway.” his words are soft and kind, I think it's a bit odd to think he'd know I'm gone even without prior knowledge of my existence but I accept the sweet words anyway, happy I'm here to be with him now. “have you ever…” I whisper, not having it in me to finish my question. Killer shakes his head, “I haven't…but…I understand kinda…I have a friend who…um..he..” Killer’s breath gets shaky as he stops talking and pushes his face into my hand. I know from my own behaviour he's holding back tears. I pet his head, running my fingers through his soft hair, “it's okay if you wanna cry…if you don't though…I understand…I'll be here either way.” I quietly say to him. He nods into my hand, letting a few tears fall before they stop soon after.

Killer sits upright, his eyes red like mine from crying. He looks at me, his eyes looking sad. It my turn to comfort him now, giving him a soft smile. “I'll be here whenever you want me, okay..? I'm here for you…just ask…” I whisper to him. He looks down, seeming thoughtful, “you always say ‘want’ never ‘need’, is there a reason for that?” he asks me, curios to my specific wording. I answer him to the best of my ability, “if I'm wanted it's a choice to have me around, to have me help you…of I'm needed it doesn't exactly mean its a choice, it means I'm the best option and when I'm no longer usefull you'll leave me…” he nods in understanding, “well then…I want you in my life…things have been better since meeting you but I would have been fine without you…so, just know, I want you here, okay?” “I know you want me with you…you'd have left if you didn't…I want you in my life too.” he smiles at my reciprocation of his feelings. I smile back at him and hug him in teh slightly awkward position we're in for a hug. He hugs me back.

As Killer pulls away he holds my face in his hands, squishing my cheeks a bit and giving me a bright smile, it may not visibly be different from the one he can't remove from his face but it feels different, it's all in his beautiful blue eyes. It's love, that look, it's something I've never seen before, but I know what it's meant to be. In that moment I'm so tempted to lean in and kiss him but I hold myself back, afraid I'm wrong. He must see it on my face, this desperation to express my feelings, yet the hesitation, the fear of getting hurt. He doesn't move to kiss me either, he knows I need to do it myself or it'll never feel right to me. 

He pulls his hands away from my face and stand up, patting me on the head and messing up my hair a little. He takes his earlier spot on yhe couch beside me and puts me in his lap. I let out a small shocked noise but relax against him. He holds me gently, a hand around my mid section and a hand on my thigh. I rest my hands on his, both on the hand on my stomach. I feel him kiss the back of my head before resting his chin on top of my head. I look up at him and stick my tongue out. He hesitates for a second before doing the same. My eyes widen as I notice a tongue piercing. He gives me a confused look before realizing what my shocked look is for. He chuckles, “like it?” my face turns red, I nod at him, “love it.” he smiles at me, squeezing my thigh and putting his head on my shoulding rather than my head. I look at him out of the corner of my eye and smile. He smiles back.

I turn the TV back on and we both sit like this for a while before I feel something on my neck. It's wet, squishy and has a metal bit…this this man licking me!? I feel my whole body heat up as I get flustered. He seems to notice I've noticed what he's doing and he chuckles against my neck making this feeling worse. I turn my head away from him knowing he'll know immediately from that stupid look on my face that I'm embarrassed. He nibbles my neck a little and I squeal. He laughs again, “look at me…” he teases. I look at him, my face giving away everything. He smirks at me, kissing my jaw before going back to watching the TV, playing innocent. I huff and poke his nose, “don't stop now, asshole..” I encourage him to continue, it felt nice, but strange, I'd never experienced this before…not in this way at least…it's nice when it's with someone you love. Love? Do I love him? Noooo…huh uh…this is..uh…fuck. I feel like I'm about to overheat as I realize my feelings fully. I'd known the feelings were there but I refused to acknowledge them…now I can't deny it…I'd just asked this man to continue is sweet assault on my neck.

He continues as I'd requested. He seems to know what he's doing, trying to find what'll make me happy. I do a lot of giggling, it's how I always react to these kinds of things, I'm not sure how else to express myself. He seems happy with the laughter coming from me as I enjoy myself. I know it's probably not the typical reaction to this, but it's how I show I'm enjoying myself. “you know, it's cute you laugh when feeling this sensation…it's so different, but it's so you..” he smiles against my neck, sticking his tongue out and running the ball of his tongue piercing against it gently. I find myself snickering at this, “I'm glad you like it haha!” I tear up a bit at the funny and pleasant feeling. 

He holds my head gently, leaning it away from him so he can get at my neck a bit better. I let him do this, giggling more. I feel him bite me a few times and suck on my neck a bit, he'll definitely leave marks but at this point I don't mind. It's him, he could leave any mark on me and I'd be okay with it. He rubs the side of my head a little with his thumb and he holds my head away from him, it's sweet. He pulls away for a second, “tell me if I'm hurting you, okay?” I nod at him, he glares, “verbal answer.” he demands. “I'll tell you if I'm not okay with something.” I answer quickly, wanting him to continue. “Good.” he then goes back to my neck and I lean into his hand holding my head.

He starts to move down to my collar bones and as he nears my chest I tap his shoulder. He stops and looks up at me. I shake my head at him, signaling not to go any further down. He nods at me, “thanks for being gentle, but you don't have to be gentle, if I'm doing something you don't like you can yell at me to stop.” I give him a small nod and he pulls my hair I bit. I yelp, “what was that for!?” I yell at him. He does it again and I tear up, “Stop!!” I yell at him again, hitting his shoulder. He stops immediately, “good. I want you to do that if I do something you don't like. Understand?” I give him a shaky nod, “I understand…” 

He sees the tears in my eyes and gently rubs my head, “sorry for that…I was just worried you might not do it… can I make it up to you?” I'm a bit shocked by the apology, not because it's him, but because people have done much worse without apology. “oh..uh…hm…” I think about how he can make it up to me that he pulled my hair like that. While I think he brushes some tears from my eyes, giving me a patient look. I put my hands on his cheeks and give him a determined look, “can I kiss you?” I ask with confidence that surprises myself. “is that how you'd like your apology?” he jokes with me. I snicker, “I'd want this anyway, but we can call it your apology.” he leans into my hold on his face a little, “I'll do something else for you after, I want this kiss as much as you.”

I get a little nervous shaking a bit…I close my eyes and sigh then open them with a more sure look on my face. I lean into him and just before I kiss him I stop. Looking him in the yes for any hint of doubt but I see none. He puts a hand on my cheek, signaling me to do what I desire. I nod and kiss him, my lips pressing against his. He kisses me back, softly. I quickly pull away, not really knowing what to do with everything i was feeling. He seems a little shocked I was so quick but let's out a small giggle and smiles at me, finding it cute, “good job.” he praises my terrible kiss. I give him a joking glare before letting go of his face and pushing my head into his chest embarrassed, “it was not!! You did great but I felt like I sucked!” he rubs my back a little, “was that your first kiss?” I shake my head, embarrassed I've done this before yet I kissed him like some kid who's just had their first kiss. He smiles at me realizing I probably kissed him like that because of the emotions behind it, like a kid having their first crush I was embarrassed and excited and overwhelmed with unfamiliar emotions. My kiss reflected every thought and feeling. Though Killer wishes the kiss could have been longer he's happy he got to kiss me how I felt was right in the moment.

I look at him with a dumb lovestruck look. He looks back at me, a loving look in his eyes, “you did great…that was perfect..” he whispers. “really..?” I mumble back, unsure if he's just being nice or if he really thinks I did well. He nods, “yeah, it was you.” My eyes widen at that, he liked it because it was me..? He follows up, “it was your emotions, that kiss, it was everything you felt in that moment.” I smile at him, “you're not disappointed?” he shakes his head, “if your kisses are always like that I'm okay with it. If your kisses change I'm okay with that too…I just want them to always be honest.” he kisses my forehead as he finishes off his sentence. I hide my face again, this time in the crook of his neck. He giggles at this action, finding it sweet that I get so flustered at his sweet words.

I see a great opertunity with this and decide to try to do what he'd done earlier. I awkwardly pick his neck which prompts him to giggle. I get even more embarrassed, “was it bad? I'm sorry-” he cuts me off, outright laughing a bit and reasuring me, “it's perfect, I just didn't expect you to do it.” he plays with my hair a bit, calming his laughing, “continue, it was great.” I feel him kiss the top of my head as I continue. Unlike my earlier laughter he’s doing his best to stifle some less family friendly sounds. I get embarrassed after a while and stop by kissing his collar bone and pulling away. I look up at his bright red face and giggle a bit, “looking good, Kill.” his face turns more red and he hides behind his hand. I laugh a bit more, “don't hide, it's cute!” I try to encourage him to look at me but he hides his ever reddening face more. I feel the heat on my face too, knowing I got him like this is a feeling I can't express. 

I lay my head on his chest and relax against him. He looks down at me and wraps his arms around me, holding me close. He seems to calm down a little as he rests his head on top of mine once again. We stay like this, cuddling on the couch, the TV playing quietly in the background. It feels nice, like this is where I'm supposed to be. Maybe that's why I screwed up so long ago…so I could be here for this…so I could learn to be alive. So I could feel love. So we could meet. I'm so happy. Killer…I want to be live…I want to be alive…please be alive with me. I smile to myself, face buried in his chest, I'm safe and I'm alive..he's alive…we're safe. This is what it's like to be loved. I'm happy he's here. I'm happy I'm here.

“Killer?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

“For?”

“Does it matter?”

“If you don't wanna tell me that's okay.”

“Thanks.”

“You're welcome.”

“I'll stop…”

“Huh? Oh..good.”

“Mhm…”

“I'm happy you decided to…I'll be here if you want help.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

“I'm here for you too.”

“huh?”

“If you want my help..with..anything.”

“Thank you.”

“You're welcome, Kill.”

“Love you…Y/N.”

“Hm?”

“I love you.”

“I-...I love you too, Killer.”

[bettsfic]

ooh, that sick thing reblog is making me remember it! i'm surprised there isn't a lot in the sick thing tag like there is your other fics... i remember, vaguely, you saying you weren't the proudest of it (which is totally fine, as writers, we've all been there. tho personally i loved sick thing!) do you mind sharing what was going through your head / your process writing that fic?

okay before i get into that i want to share this anecdote about Marilyn that is VERY related to sick thing.

context: i'm reading an 800 page biography of Marilyn Monroe as research for a story i'm working on, not *about* Marilyn, but. well, it's complicated.

anyway, Joe DiMaggio (the baseball player) was Marilyn's second husband, and he was an asshole to her because his star was falling as hers was rising so there was a lot of resentment. they divorced and she went on to marry (and then divorce) Arthur Miller.

shortly after she divorced Arthur Miller, she was involuntarily institutionalized by her psychiatrist. at this point in her life, everyone she knew had a personal stake in her fame and so she was just constantly manipulated and mistreated. her psychotherapist in particular, Ralph Greenson, destroyed all of her healthy personal relationships and was controlling every aspect of her life. this is about 500 pages into the book. it has taken me a while to get to this point, because it is exhausting reading 500 pages of an innocent person being taken advantage of and horribly mistreated.

allow me to set the scene: Marilyn Monroe is institutionalized in a godawful facility and completely helpless. no one will let her use a phone or have any contact with the outside world. to get somebody's attention she breaks a window with a chair, an idea she got from one of her first roles. a patient eventually sneaks her into an area with a phone. Marilyn calls everyone she knows but no one picks up.

she has no choice but to call ex-husband Joe DiMaggio, whom she hasn't spoken with since the divorce 6 years ago.

Joe immediately calls her psychiatrist and says that if Marilyn isn't discharged within a day he'll "take the hospital apart brick by brick."

and so Marilyn was then discharged and conceded to treatment at a different hospital, which she only entered on the condition that Joe could visit her every day. and he did.

even though they'd divorced on bad terms, he was basically destroyed by their breakup and spent their years apart working on himself and getting therapy so he could eventually ask for her back.

for years Marilyn endured emotional (and physical) abuse by Greenson. i can't emphasize enough that she was just his puppet. if he told her to stop seeing someone, she did. he planted a housekeeper to spy on her. but Marilyn's breaking point, the line Greenson finally crossed, was that he told her to stop seeing Joe. she finally had someone in her life with her best interests at heart, who had no personal stake in her fame or money (and who was in fact one of the few people in the world who had *more* fame and money than she did), and they fell in love again.

this is basically a full-blown Mrs. Kennedy & Me moment where i'm reading an actual real story of the tropes i write in fiction and going a little insane about it.

okay back to the ask!

for sick thing, i was working through a lot of personal fears about my own mental health, having finally gotten off a really bad med that turned me into a, i don't know, like a vacuum of a person. just empty. i wrote it in 8 very intense days, with a 5 bullet point outline scrawled on a piece of scrap paper and Hotel California on repeat.

my main criticism of it is that i resorted to very Stranger Things-y writing moves that feel cheap to me. flat antagonists with no nuance, love interests who don't have their own individual conflict or growth, over the top high school shenanigans like in a 90s teen movie, a glaringly obvious authorial self-insert with a personally cringeworthy level of wish fulfillment. i like to think that in most of the things i write, i'm pretty hard to find? or maybe not, but sick thing is just my id on a platter. was, rather. a lot has changed since then.

sick thing i think was the final work of a long held aesthetic, and dirtbag was the beginning of the era i'm in now, writing stuff far less driven by personal crises and explorations of self. i can't quite put my finger on what exactly is different other than the fact that i write much more slowly now and put more thought into my stories (at the cost of heart, potentially), and i also feel far less compelled to be read. it's been so long since anyone's read new work of mine that posting my bikeriders fic has been a real trip.