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back-and-totheleft · 2 years ago

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The Metrograph Interview

MICHAEL M. BILANDIC: I was just telling our friend Gabe that you were the first person to speak to my class at NYU, two weeks after 9/11.

OLIVER STONE: I really spoke to your class two weeks after?

MB: Yeah. Maybe not exactly two weeks, but shortly after. I moved to New York for film school in August, 2001. Then, all of a sudden, this historic event happens. Everything gets cancelled. It’s total chaos. And when they finally bring classes back, they tell us our first visiting lecturer is Oliver Stone. You showed up, you’d come straight from Ground Zero.

OS: Was it a small class?

MB: It was pretty small. Everyone was arguing about geopolitics, Afghanistan, commando units, Bin Laden. And the late underground filmmaker Nick Zedd stormed in and made some unclear accusation about Natural Born Killers (1994) ripping off War is Menstrual Envy (1992). I have no idea what his angle was, but the whole experience was a memorable introduction to film school. Are you still involved with NYU?

OS: I gave a screenwriting scholarship to NYU. Every year people get a certain amount of money if they win the prize as a screenplay writer. I was trying to develop the screenplay aspect of NYU because when I was there, no one took a screenwriting class, except me, maybe five other people. They never had screenwriting as an understanding. Cameras, yeah, but they were not into screenwriting. Anyway.

MB: Education, and particularly the teaching of history, has been a major theme throughout your career. I especially love The Untold History of the United States. In the intro, you describe the disappointment you felt reading your kids’ history textbooks as a catalyst for embarking on your own American history survey. Simultaneously, I’ve been dying to ask you about Dream School (2013-2014), the reality show you were on, where celebrities like you, David Arquette, 50 Cent, and Suze Orman teach a group of high school dropouts in a highly experimental classroom environment. You’re trying to explain the nuances of World War II and Vietnam to these disaffected zoomers. I’m curious about your thoughts on teaching history. Also, what was it like being on a reality show, when it’s a genre you’re so critical of?

OS: I did that years ago! Is it still on the air?

MB: It’s floating around.

OS: It was very strange. That was not satisfactory. I tried.

For Untold History, I came under the influence of my friend, Peter Kusnick, who is a teacher of American history for 30, 40 years now at American University. He’s a very bright man, and a liberal—a real liberal, not a phoney liberal. He’s not a Hillary Clinton liberal, he’s—he studied history. Unfortunately, America has not studied its role in World War II. [In the show] we made the point about the dropping of the atomic bomb on Japan; it’s crucial to understand why we did that, and how that happened. And we’ve been lying about it for 60, 70 years, just lying about it… This history is crucial. And as you can see, I stopped making movies at a point, and Untold History took three, four years to make. It was just a mess, trying to put it into a film version. I’m very proud of that, I’m glad you pointed it out. It’s one of my favorite things I’ve ever done, trying to tell the true history of the United States from 1898 to now.

MB: It’s so ambitious. I can’t even imagine the process of putting it together.

OS: The 12 parts take us from 1898, up to Obama [being re-elected] in 2012. People always say, “Why don’t you do Trump?” Well, you know, it’s not that simple to go back in. It takes money and time. But I do think it’s clear we’re on the wrong path. It just didn’t have to be this way, you understand? We have a strain of aggressiveness in this country. I don’t know that we can overcome ourselves, control ourselves.

MB: Metrograph is about to screen Natural Born Killers. I love movies like this where there’s a sense of chaos in front of the camera and behind the camera, and you can just feel it, you know? The prison break scene is a perfect example. It’s explosive. You’re watching it and you’re enjoying it, but also trying to imagine the reality of Tom Sizemore, Robert Downey, Jr., Woody Harrelson, and all these actual inmates playing it out in the moment. What draws you to creating these chaotic scenarios? And how do you feel when you’re in them? Do you feel blissed out and calm, or is it a frenzied adrenaline rush?

OS: I love chaos, and I love energy, chaotic energy. And when you can control it to some degree, it makes for a powerful picture. It’s in The Doors, too, if you see it. It’s in the war scenes, and in several movies, Platoon (1986) and Born on the Fourth of July. The chaos, the madness of the situation—rock ’n’ roll breeds that, mob scenes breed that, public frenzies, like the January 6 insurrection. We saw it in Born on the Fourth of July where they’re having civilian protests against the Vietnam War. I love that stuff. And I love to get an entire movie set up to this level of madness where you sense the crowd, and the extras sense it, “Wow, it’s really happening.” So many of those people who did The Doors in ’91 said to me, “Wow, this is my first time experiencing the ’60s.” [Laughs.] I can’t say it was the ’60s but certainly it felt like it was a Jim Morrison concert, right?

Now, I saw a movie a few days ago, Babylon (2022) which, it’s ridiculous because [Damien Chazelle] lost touch with reality. I’ve read a lot about the 1920s, they didn’t have orgies like that. I mean, orgies existed, orgies happened for a reason, Cecil B. DeMille did the best orgies we know, in The Ten Commandments (1956), but Damien Chazelle—I liked the movie, it had many good things in it, but that opening was overdone. It was [hands gesture dramatically outward] everybody’s fucking everybody, it doesn’t work like that. A reason has to be established. You shouldn’t lead with the chaos. The chaos should come later, is what I think.

MB: On the topic of orgies, there’s a great movie someone’s going to have to make, and I would love for it to be you—about the FTX drama. These polyamorous nerds in the Bahamas, wreaking havoc on the crypto market, everyone theoretically scamming each other, and with so many political implications. Wall Street and Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps (2010) reflected their moments so perfectly. I don’t know how much you’ve been up on this scandal; is it a story you would be interested in pursuing?

OS: I mean, I’ve done two Wall Street movies, and I don’t see myself going back into that. And it takes a lot of energy to make a movie, you can’t do it lightly. Also, you can’t chase the news. Never chase the news, it’s ridiculous. I came very close because of Snowden (2016), because of 9/11 with World Trade Centre (2006), and my George Bush movie [W, 2008]. I mean, I never gave up on following the news, but I don’t want to follow it too closely.

MB: I’d like to go back to the idea of prison breaks for a moment. I’m interested in the part of your autobiography where you describe living in the East Village in the late ’60s on 9th Street between Avenue B and C, in an apartment painted entirely red. At the time, you were writing a script called Break, the title being inspired by The Doors’ “Break On Through (To the Other Side).” Supposedly it has a crazy prison break in it, which is something you would explore in later work, like Midnight Express, and Natural Born Killers.

OS: Have you ever read it? Did you see the script?

MB: I haven’t.

OS: Oh, man. It’s a script. It’s insane! It’s my first script I ever wrote. At the end—I wrote two, three versions, and the last one, I think, was the most surreal. He goes to Vietnam [as a soldier]; he dies in Vietnam—he gets killed, by American soldiers. He goes to the underworld, the Egyptian underworld. And he’s judged the old way by the Egyptian gods, very tough. He ends up, I forget how exactly, but in a prison in California, facing smuggling charges—which I did. And from there comes “the break.” There’s no hope in going through society’s methods; there’s no hope listening to conventional thought, because in conventional thought all the bad guys were in Vietnam as soldiers, you see? So he ends up in the American prison. And he breaks out of the American system, all of them break out, and that’s sort of his liberation. So I suppose I’m a rebel at heart. I’ve lived that role, to some degree as a moviemaker. And it’s been tough, because, you know, at times, they’ve given me praise, but at times they really hate me because I am trying to say things as they are.

MB: You certainly took a lot of heat for the tone of Natural Born Killers. It was really interesting re-watching it and thinking about the challenges of satire. Entertainment and politics, these days, seem to have morphed into one. We had Trump doing a borderline Andrew Dice Clay impersonation, and even Zelensky’s a former late-night comedian. Natural Born Killers, and W, really succeed in finding humor in all the madness, but it feels like such a challenge to approach serious issues from a satirical angle today when everything’s blurred into entertainment or “content.”

OS: Well, first of all, it may seem that way to you, but it’s always been that way. We had Ronald Reagan in 1980, who was an actor, and people were saying the same thing you’re saying now: if an actor can get elected—and a B-actor, according to many people—then what’s the meaning of politics? So they always say that. Trump is an aberration—but no more so than Reagan was. They made much too much of a frenzy out of Trump; they blew up everything he did into this massive disaster for the country. It’s all hype. I agree Trump had many failings, but we feasted on it. And as a result, we don’t think. This is, again, the control of the media—they tell you what to think, and they tell you how to think. Well, if you really think this through, Trump is a minor inconvenience compared to what Bush Jr. did to this country. What he did in 2000, by setting up the War on Terror, starting a war across the globe with some 70 fucking countries, to create this concept, the United States is going to be the dominant country in the world, and “you’re either with us or against us.” That is a stupid fucking policy, completely self-destructive. We’ve spent more and more money chasing more and more bullshit, starting little brushfire wars everywhere we can, sending troops everywhere. It’s been a nightmare. It all goes back to Bush and his group. To ignore that is to miss the whole point of what’s going on in the 21st century, to me; to concentrate on Trump is ridiculous.

Going back to Natural Born Killers, at the time I said it’s a satire because it’s not realistic. In the sense that, if you look at the violence—I was criticized repeatedly for the violence—the violence is ridiculous, it’s absurd, it’s comic violence. In Born on the Fourth of July I showed what one bullet can do to a spine; it can destroy a spine and destroy a man’s life. So I’ve been very realistic in my violence, in Platoon, and Salvador (1986). But in this one case, I exaggerated everything in the movie to make the point that our society was completely fucked. At the time it was the O.J. Simpson trial, and I was disgusted with it. There had been a series of things that happened in the ’90s that had been sensationalized in the media—murders, a woman cutting off a man’s dick was all over the headlines—it was National Enquirer stuff that was being put on the front pages. I noted that; I read this draft by Tarantino; I bought it—I bought it from the producers, not from him. And I changed a lot of it because it was shallow—to my mind, it was shallow and I wanted to go deeper. But I thought it was a very good surface story. The film was controversial from the beginning because Tarantino was always objecting to anybody who changed a word of his script—you know, his bullshit, he is the greatest of all time, and no one can touch what he does. But we changed it because he’d sold it, he didn’t own it. So anyway, we made the movie. And it was misunderstood from the beginning, misunderstood completely—partly that’s because of PR, partly because Tarantino was attacking the movie. But if you look at the movie—now is a good time to look at it—you’ll see a lot of what we were talking about has certainly come true in our media.

MB: It’s undeniable.

OS: The American media has glorified violence all my life. To begin with—before Natural Born Killers—on television, the emphasis, the ratings, were on violence for the most part. Shows, Westerns, where people bang, bang, you’re dead. That was the most popular form of communication in America, killing somebody. It got out of hand in the ’90s. And it’s gotten worse, and worse, and worse… The American media is the most dominant, pervasive, controlling nanny state I’ve ever seen. I can’t stand it. As you know, I’ve been fighting the media for most of my life.

MB: At the time you were also critiquing a culture of gossip and a culture of surveillance. And this is before social media?! Then that arrives and everything you’re arguing just gets exploded; every little thing becomes sensationalized, and whatever goes viral is always anger inducing. You’re on Instagram and Twitter, what’s your relationship with social media been like?

OS: I follow it to a degree, I’m not a hound. It tires me. I’m older, man, I just, I can’t follow all the bullshit. I thought it was interesting when Musk took it over, because he did purge the—the whole thing on Twitter is its government, the government got involved in media. They’ve been heavily involved with Facebook, telling them who the enemy is, what to think, how to think, and telling the same thing now to the Twitter people. Everyone’s cowed by the government, because it’s hard to say no to the big boss. We’re basically a form of social dictatorship, maybe, in the sense that you’re shamed if you don’t go along with the group. Sure, they attack some big targets, but they also scare off the smaller people who like to think for themselves.

MB: Have you been following the Twitter Files stuff? It ties in, I feel, to a lot of themes you’ve explored in your work.

OS: The investigative journalist Matt Taibbi, he’s done a lot of good work. And people like Glenn Greenwald. Many of them have pointed out that the Twitter Files has been government propaganda in this war in Ukraine. And it has. It’s taken all the information that comes to the people who want to make Twitter a freeway for democracy; you can put out information about what the Ukrainians are doing, what the Russians are doing, but anything negative about the Ukrainians is removed by censorship. And you cannot say anything positive about the Russian position, or what even the Russian position is. So we’re telling the people, “This is what you have to think about Ukraine.” This is very dangerous, because we’re not telling the truth to our people. You’re not able to hear it. And this is disgusting. This is not what Twitter was made for. So I go back to my first point that this whole country has been locked up in a kind of social dictatorship. It’s like, you cannot think certain things.

MB: It’s interesting thinking about all of this in the context of the lockdown.

OS: Everybody’s got to have the same attitude about Covid—which is nonsense.

MB: I kept thinking about Talk Radio (1988), with Eric Bogosian playing the controversial radio personality, another of your films which feels relevant to current times. With podcasts, we’re almost back to AM talk radio, or a ham-radio type thing, where people are listening to wild stuff and developing these para-social relationships. It’s funny, I also just watched a documentary about Rockets Redglare; I had totally forgotten he was the killer in Talk Radio, and the guy on the phone.

OS: You saw a documentary about him where?

MB: It took a lot of work to find it, but I can send it to you. It’s from 2003, Rockets Redglare!

OS: It’s funny, I didn’t know about that. But Bogosian, he was very talented. A very good actor. The picture was unfortunately released at the wrong time, at Christmas. It didn’t belong at Christmas. It’s gone the way… but many people like you remember it so hopefully it’ll have some new life.

MB: I have to bring this up. The deleted scene in Natural Born Killers with the bodybuilding brothers is really one of my favorite scenes in a movie. I watch it all the time on YouTube.

OS: I’ve forgotten the scene, describe it to me.

MB: These two identical twin bodybuilders [Peter and David Paul, aka the Barbarian Brothers] are being interviewed by Robert Downey Jr. in a gym, and they’re describing how they had an encounter with Mickey and Mallory. The couple usually only let one person survive, but they let both survive in this case because the couple were fans of the brothers and only realized who they were halfway through chain-sawing their legs off. It’s revealed they’re in wheelchairs now—but they’re not mad because Mickey and Mallory passed “The Edge” onto them and they can workout harder than anyone else in the gym now because of their disability. I love it. I know you worked with Schwarzenegger in Conan the Barbarian (1982), and in Natural Born Killers the brothers reference Pumping Iron (1977) to Downey. I was wondering if you had any thoughts about bodybuilding, that scene, and working with the Barbarian Brothers?

OS: [Laughs] I enjoyed it. There were a lot of cuts—I don’t know what version you have, but there is an R-rated version, and there’s an unrated version. Do you have the unrated version?

MB: Yeah.

OS: We had tremendous problems with it. Warner Brothers wanted an R version, and they really broke my chops. I had to go back to the MPAA several times, always making more and more [cuts]—it didn’t make any sense. I would say, “What you’re really objecting to is the chaos. You’re not objecting to the physical violence because it’s not really there. You’re objecting to the madness of the movie.” And, you know, that’s not right! Because it is a mad movie, you have to accept that it is a mad movie, like Clockwork Orange (1971) was. But they just couldn’t see the bigger picture. I was already in trouble, of course, with JFK; and I’d done Scarface (1983), as a writer, but I saw all that shit go down. They got crazy on Scarface, and they got crazy on Natural Born Killers. I make this point because they’re haggling over bullshit. When in reality, it’s the madness of our society that they’re not really dealing with. As I said to the press at the time—and they couldn’t understand what I was talking about—I said, “You know, the two killers are not so bad compared to Tommy Lee Jones, who’s the warden of a fucking madhouse, and runs it like a madhouse. Or take a look at Downey, the Downey character is insane. He wants to be a killer. He lives it. He’s living it through Mickey and Mallory, and that’s the media! I said, that’s what’s wrong! And look at the cop, the cop played by Sizemore. So of course I piss off everybody. [Laughs] I said, our cops, our prisons, our media are more fucked up than the two killers. They thought I was crazy.

MB: You see this with the censorship on Twitter, too, where you can’t even put a finger on why they ban certain things. Is it just because this is chaos or… ?

OS: I want to tell you a quick story, because my favorite deletion, and I really wish it were in there, is the courtroom scene in Natural Born Killers with [Woody Harrelson and] Ashley Judd. I think that’s hilarious. Have you ever seen the outtakes on that?

MB: Remind me.

OS: It’s the one where he goes, “Bills and bills and bills.” He gets permission to cross-examine her, Ashley Judd is one of the victims. It’s a touching scene because she is a very good actress and very convincing. And Woody—it’s just beautifully done. You got to watch it, man. It fits beautifully. The reason I took it out was length, and violence. It was too much at the time. But it really belongs in the movie, it’s in the middle—they get busted, and before they go to jail they have this trial. But he wants to be his own lawyer. He cross-examines her—and he stabs her in the heart! And of course [laughs], it’s the worst thing you can do! I mean, they’re going to throw them in the dungeon now! Ashley Judd is a sweetheart—she gets killed, oh my God. How bad can these people be? Right? I love it. I love it. [Laughs] That’s the greatest scene to me, that’s the one I miss.

MB: I just watched JFK Revisited (2021). It sounded like last week they were supposed to release the final files, then it didn’t happen.

OS: They just postponed it in another year. Or something like that. They won’t release the key files. But even then, I don’t know what would be in there. These are CIA people. They all were dealing with Cuban groups, people like [George] Joannides, [David Atlee] Phillips, Bill Harvey. Those are the guys you really want… [Allan] Dulles if possible, but there��s no files on Dulles. The CIA is where, in my opinion, you really got to look, because they were running the whole show, including [Lee Harvey] Oswald.

MB: Alright, last thing. So as we are entering 2023, I’ve been reading all these year-end lists, wrapping up the year. I was curious what your summary of 2022 would be? And what are you looking for in 2023?

OS: Let’s talk film first. As a filmmaker, I finished a very complicated documentary, a scientific one called Nuclear Now, which is on the need for bringing back nuclear energy now, and pushing it because it is the only way we’re going to close the gap with the vast amount of energy we’re going to need by 2050. Hopefully it will be out in the New Year, very early, and people will see it, but it’s a very important thing to me, it’s the most important subject on Earth. So that’s where I am at. Secondly, I co-wrote a screenplay with a partner, which I think is—I cannot tell you what the subject is, it’s not that I don’t reveal what I’m about to or hope to do, and if all goes well I’ll be able to make it in 2023, but it hasn’t been an easy business, that’s for sure. I haven’t done a feature film since 2016: Snowden. I did JFK Revisited in 2019, and Putin [The Putin Interviews] in 2017, so I’ve been busy with documentaries more than features. I’m looking forward to making one more—I hope—as well as releasing Nuclear Now.

MB: Nice.

OS: On the world front, it’s always unstable, the world has always been in change. People over-exaggerate, it’s always a dark time, you know? Americans have a very limited view of the world because they live subjected to the American media.

Now, for 2023, we’re in a shithole. As a country, we keep backing the military, we keep putting a fortune into military spending—and now we’re paying for the Ukraine war, which is insane. Because we started the war, we trapped the Russians into going in there with our policies. In other words, most of the instability in the world is created by us. And we won’t admit it. People in America don’t know about that because they have no idea we’re the provokers—we’re the most provocative country in the world. And as long as we can’t see it, we’re hypnotized. We’re hypnotized by our media. We don’t see beyond our little American periscope.

-Michael M. Bilandic interviews Oliver Stone, Metrograph, Dec 2022 [x]

#oliver stone #metrograph #natural born killers #talk radio #nuclear now

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dreams-of-wind-and-void · 1 year ago

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Funny story about the second place I ever worked at. It was a Trainee position. The entire point was to learn the trade from a mentor, get some different views and after the two years, you either continued on doing what you had learned, or they sent you off - but you would have learnt something and could put it into your resumee that you were trained at this now.

This was in Europe, so we have labor protection, you can't just fire people from their jobs without due reason, even for a job like that.

Except during the "probation period" - the first six months. The entire point of that period is for both employer and employee to see if it's a good fit. If it's not, you can just walk.

On the very last day of the probation period. I was told I'd be let go. I "wasn't a good fit for the company". Among the reasons listed were:

I asked too many questions. (For a Trainee position where the entire point is to learn things)

I was letting myself be pushed to the side. (Because I expected to work with other people and my mentor, not against them. So obviously when they told me something I did it and tried to fulfill it best I could.)

I wasn't contributing enough. (Because I was given no clear tasks to accomplish. After nothing happening even after saying as much and asking for guidance, I tried to learn and study on my own, which was interpreted as me being lazy because I wasn't doing tasks.)

One particular day I'll never forget - we had another guy coming in from a different location, who was also in training. We were talking, and my supervisor made a comment about how complicated the regulations were and that things weren't so easy as I told them. All the while gloating at me. Except I had been studying this stuff by myself at this point. So I went into detail about it, and had a nice discussion with the other trainee. And I saw how her expression fell. How she was visibly disappointed that I seemed to actually know things and talk about them. To this day I have no idea what she tried to achieve with the whole farce.

In the end, leaving that place was the best thing that could have happened to me. But in the moment, it felt like a slap in the face - I had been trying hard to fit in, trying to learn, only to be sent away without as much as a warning on the last day it was possible for them to fire me without due reason.

If there is one thing I learnt, is that employers don't want young people to learn. They don't want to teach them. They want cheap, mindless drones they can use until they are used up, then throw them away and get a new set. Either you already know everything to immediately do your job, and then they still try to pay you far less than your worth, or you're not worth their time to begin with.

No one want's to teach anymore. Take the time to train someone to become a good specialist in their job or trade. Because it's far cheaper to just abuse you for your labor and throw you away afterwards. And you wouldn't want to train someone who would eventually become competition for your place anyway, do you?

There are places who think differently. Not every employer is like this. But it feels to me like the majority is.

But sure, Millennials are lazy and entitled and don't want to work. Zoomers are just whiny kids who can't handle real life. Why don't you man up and get tough? Pull yourself up the bootstraps, if you work hard you'll get rewarded. You're just not working hard enough.

Just work harder.

#Fuck this makes me so angry still #I still feel like that job did lasting damage to me #I've actually found an amazing job now #I love it #my colleagues and boss are great #I get payed a good sum #it couldn't be better #but I still expect to be let go any moment #I'm working there for over a year now #with nothing but positive feedback #And still I'm afraid #Fuck this shit

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theta-mage · 1 year ago

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so i was walking the dog today and my stream of consciousness went absolutely wild. i'll give you a small example of how my brain works in an everyday setting. this is ten minutes worth of thinking, written after the fact.

i started thinking about skills and how people view our declaration of our skill levels. about how if i say, "i'm good at english", i'm considered a self-centered asshole by some (and they'll then look for any and all typos and grammatical errors in my writing, as if flawlessness was the prerequisite of being "good"). if i say, "i'm good at deliberately changing my point of view", i'm considered a preachy holier-than-thou kind of person by some (and they'll then do their best to find a situation where i could not see things from someone else's point of view—again, as if flawlessness was the prerequisite of being "good"). but if i say "i cannot wrap my mind around korean writing", some people will interpret that as me being too self-critical. or if i say, "playing the drums is impossible for me, i almost didn't graduate high school because i didn't learn it", they'll think i'm putting myself down and start worrying (which i get, i have a history of depression, and worrying is a form of showing they care).

and i thought about how i can confidently say my english is good—but not in all situations. i wouldn't last five seconds in a room of, i don't know, theoretical physicists speaking scientific english. but that's how life is! our skill levels are relative. always. someone who wins gold in junior high running competitions would probably be a fucking loser in the olympics.

then i started thinking about how we still insist that a finn who hasn't studied english in a university cannot speak good english.

and then i got a bit annoyed because we place so much value on formal education and degrees and so on. we seem to assume that a degree indicates both intelligence and wisdom—and we cannot accept that there isn't one intelligence but many! and we cannot accept that wisdom doesn't come from participating in lectures and writing essays. sure, it'll make it easier to contextualize lived experiences, but formal education alone cannot and will not make anyone wise.

we become wise in a multisensual, dialogical relationship with our surroundings. formal education may play a part in structuring our wisdom in a certain way, but it isn't enough to build wisdom.

knowledge does not translate to intelligence, nor does intelligence translate to knowledge. wisdom does not translate to intelligence nor does intelligence translate to wisdom. and finally, knowledge does not translate to wisdom and wisdom does not translate to knowledge.

and then i thought about contexts in terms of vocabulary. we have so many different contexts and worlds of words. we have kpop slang and app development slang and autism slang and we have slang pertaining to illegal drugs and we have chemistry-related slang and we have "chronically online" political zoomer slang.

so the string of words, "based, but delulu alpha stan, and masking" cannot be read without some kind of understanding of a variety of worlds of words, and the contextual understanding of what "delulu", "alpha" and "stan" might mean. if you don't, you can interpret "based" as a chemistry word (pertaining to bases) or a drug-related word (addicted to crack). and then continue on with the sentence, thinking about a completely wrong context.

we live in a world where we are exposed to a myriad of contexts every day. how does our brain cope with the constant switching from one context to another? i'm not sure.

(also, full disclosure: i consider my view of human nature optimistic, but i do realize some of my avoidant personality disorder traits and social anxiety traits and having been bullied trauma thoughts still surface in situations where i communicate with others. or when i think about a situation where i'll communicate with others.)

#my train of thought derails itself #and i'm glad it does!

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affectiondeficitdisorder · 2 years ago

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Dog is God Spelled Backwards

I know, I've been missing in action again. I apologize. For one, I don’t get into as many columnworthy romantic scrapes as I used to, partly due to the wisdom of age and partly due to age itself. But mostly, it’s because I’ve been elbows-deep in a new and entirely different project. I wrote a children’s picture book called WOOF!, about a lone wolf kind of girl who adopts an actual lone wolf from the dog pound. It’s illustrated by AI art generators that I trained on the oil paintings of my late father and it came out really cool. If you are between the ages of 3 and 8 — and if you are, what the hell are you doing reading this column? — or know someone between the ages of 3 and 8, or you just like dogs, or are interested in AI art, you should pick up a copy. You can get it here.

But I want to talk about why dogs are so important for love addicts.

The old joke is that the difference between men and dogs is a year later, the dog is still happy to see you come home. But it’s more than that. It’s brain science.

I’m the one who goes on and on about how behavioral addiction is essentially a physical disease, even though it often doesn’t look like that. It looks like a series of bad choices and worse behavior. But that’s what they used to say about alcoholism, too, until they knew better. Where sex and love addiction are no different from substance abuse is that this is essentially a brain disease characterized by compulsive reliance on a mind-altering behavior “despite negative life consequences,” as the professionals quaintly put it. Not to put too fine a point on it, our choices and behavior suck. We hurt ourselves and we hurt others, but were are doing it in an attempt to not hurt. To just be okay. Because in and of ourselves, we do not feel okay.

The reason we don’t feel okay on the natch is that the reward centers of our brains are not wired the same way as “normies.” My neurotransmitters are a tangle of limp spaghetti. I’m a muscle car with faulty spark plugs; my endorphins do not fire on all cylinders (ask your dad what a spark plug is, Zoomer…) I need more excitement to produce a sufficient amount of dopamine. I need more comfort to provide a sufficient amount of serotonin. I need more affection to provide a sufficient amount of oxytocin.

Mostly, it’s the oxytocin. I can get a jolt of dopamine jumping out of an airplane or swimming with sharks, and a nice infusion of serotonin at a day spa. But oxytocin, oxytocin is tough. Oxytocin is what you get from breast-feeding your child, or embracing your beloved, or having an orgasm.

You know where else you can get oxytocin? From petting a dog. This is not me being romantic, or into bestiality. This is scientific fact: check out this article from the magazine Science. In one Japanese study, men and women locking eyes with their companion dogs registered a 300% increase in oxytocin levels. (The dogs registered a 130% increase, so I guess they mean more to us than we do to them….) The best thing I ever did for my recovery was to adopt Laszlo from the East Valley Animal Shelter.

Laszlo gave me structure for my day: an addict can live a life chaotic, but a dog expects supper at 5. He exemplified the AA Big Book trope about how we judge ourselves by our intentions while the world is judging us by our actions: Intend to walk your dog and your dog poops in the house. And he reminded me of the insanity of maybe-this-time-it-will-be-different thinking: “I know I’m not allowed to jump the fence, but maybe today she won’t mind….”

But mostly, Laszlo loved me unconditionally. He looked in my eyes, and my oxytocin level jumped 300%. And you can’t get that with a prescription pad, or a quickie in the nightclub bathroom. Not consistently, at least, and not without those pesky negative life consequences.

So if you’re an addict seeking recovery — drug addict, love addict, anorexic, shopaholic, it doesn't matter — I urge you to get a dog. If you can, rescue a dog from the pound. You can save their life, and they can save yours. Laszlo died of old age last year, and this year I adopted Brando from the East Valley Animal Shelter.

Look in those eyes. Can’t you just smell the oxytocin?

PS - They tell me that cats also have some fine qualities.

#love addiction #sex addiction #rescue dog #oxytocin #recovery

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sleepy-dreamers-inc · 4 years ago

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Going to School with Ranboo!|| 📌

[i was going to answer this but i was a big dummy dum dum and accidentally deleted the ask bUT I REMEMBERED YOU DEAR ANON]

irl / in-game

Genre| fluff and (minor) angst

h e a d-c a n n o n s||

Sypnosis|

You and Ranboo go to school together, so have some scenarios and thoughts about it!!

Artist| grapeichie on twitter!!

warnings| bullying, stress, swearing

Note: you are a streamer in this!! You are also in the SMP!

optional platonic or romantic!!

- so going to school with Ranboo is both amazing and weird. You two have tons of stories of the dumb shit that happened there.

- Nobody will ever find Y/N and Ranboo far apart, even if you guys dont share classes one of you will randomly appear and at this point no one questions it

- Both of you meeting up at eachothers classroom/locker to walk together to your next destination

- Both of you helping eachother with schoolwork, Ranboo would totally tutor you in any subject you struggle with. Both of you go to his house but you two end up getting bored, so he does a Facecam stream with you in the background vibing. (It was so much fun)

- You guys are both the teacher’s favorites and least favorites. You both add so much life to the school but thats the exact problem.

- Y/N: haha look at that high waisted man he got feminine hips!!

Ranboo: NOOOO THATS THE THING HE��S SENSITIVE ABOUT

That Poor Teacher:

- I can totally imagine some kids in your school being invested in the SMP and both of you just nervously sweat in the background. Bonus points if ya’ll’s friends are into it so its just absolute panic

- You trying to help him not be awkward, especially when it comes to talking to new people. I can totally see like a new girl trying to talk to him and he just panics, so you have to step in and explain and help the poor boy out.

- You two are like,, inseparable. Like literally rarely does anyone see you guys apart. So this kinda urks some people who have crushes on him, or literally just your stereotypical bully.

- So one day while you we’re grabbing things for your next class, someone slammed against the locker next to yours, slamming yours shut in the process.

“Well well well, if it isnt the clingy one. Im surprised your not with that dork, you two practically don’t function without the other.” The guy snickered, leaning forward directly in Y/N’s face.

“And how is that any of your concern? And why does it matter?” Y/N said, standing straight up staring at the guy. “Because your fucking pathetic, thats why. Your useless without him and both of us know it.” He spat, pushing Y/N to the floor with a thud, they’re books crashing to the ground around them. Snickers could be heard from around them, as well as gasps and ‘oh-no’s’.

“Awww whatcha gonna do now, freak? You gonna go cry to that loser? Because i have a better idea. Your gonna shut up, and if not, he gets hurt.” The boy said, picking Y/N up by the collar of they’re shirt, and soon slamming them back into the lockers. All he did was laugh and walk away, muttering “pathetic, good for nothing freak.”

- You went home by yourself that day, usually Ranboo walks you home so you two can hangout, but you were nowhere to be seen. This went on for 2 weeks, and you practically avoided him at all costs, not wanting him to get hurt.

- But when he walked into school one day and saw Y/N being harassed by a group of people, he surely wasn’t the one hurt.

“Awww, cant move?” One said, twisting Y/N’s wrist even more, bruising they’re arm as they whimpered in pain. “Awww i think they’re gonna cry!!” Someone else chimmed in, one girl quickly said “better take a picture of this before the moments gone.” As she giggled, snapping a photo of you in the middle of being bullied.

“Delete it, and leave.” Ranboo said, looking down at the three who were currently tormenting you. You looked so sad yet happy, but you knew what was about to happen. “I thought i fucking told you not to tell him, guess your getting it.” The guy said, kicking your stomach and slamming you against the lockers.

You never in your wildest dreams expected Ranboo to punch someone, he was so sweet and charismatic, very passive and neutral. But now, your bully laid on the floor, a bloody nose, and Ranboo towering over him. “Dont. Touch. Them.” Ranboo snarled, leaning down and looking at the bully directly in the eyes.

- A fight soon broke out, leaving one guy with a black eye, bloody nose and a bruised arm and shoulder. Ranboo got suspended, but you left with him, not wanting to be at school and instead with him.

- While walking home he stopped, pulled off his white and black hoodie, put it on you, and soon enveloped you in a hug. Y/N return the favor, and all he said shakily was ‘i love you’

- God no one ever fucked with Y/N again everyone was scared spineless

- The entire SMP had a ‘bruh’ moment when you two told them. Of course Techno was very happy about Ranboo beating some kids up.

- But like back to happy stuff,,

- Kahoot? Idk if you guys play it in school but i do, and both you and Ranboo are such a power duo in Kahoot games

- Trading each others lunch because thats what duo’s like you two do, share with the homies

- Both of you being referees in sports because if other wise someone is going to accidentally get hurt

- You having to walk Ranboo to the nurses office after he got hit in the face with a basketball.

- The librarian does not like the fact you two cannot be quiet. You both are constantly cracking up and can never keep it down

- I know for a FACT one of you got your hands on the teacher’s computer, and i know one of you are playing memes during class while your Teacher is screeching

- All your teachers think both of you are cheating because you have synced brains and get every single answer the exact. same.

- Pulling some kind of huge end of the year prank

- Both of you speaking in zoomer language and not even your classmates have any idea what your saying

- I can see both of you accidentally writing/typing ‘pog’ into a essay/class assignment and your teacher being VERY confused

- Blasting fan-made songs about both of your guys characters and everyone liking them, and both of you are just giggling and smiling because they dont know

- Your friend group see you two doing something and they’re just like “ah shit, here we go again”

- Both of you going to school events only to ensue chaos and be idiots

- On the first day one of you getting lost and the other having to go fetch the other one

- Both of you crashing at the others house to study but it probably didnt go well

- You two are honestly just encased in your own little shared bubble, just vibing and being yourselves

- i feel like this is going on forever and most of it was just angst so I’ll go ahead and cut this off lol

a/n: TWO UPLOADS IN ONE DAY??? CALL ME GO-

Okay but in all seriousness i hope this was not total shit and actually pleasant to read. Idk i just feel like this bad

Anyways I promise I’ll get to working on pt. 2 of dad wilbur but i have some other requests i need to work on. But in the meantime simp for Ranboo and Wilbur okay bye

#ranboo x reader #ranboo imagine #ranboo fanfiction #mcyt x reader #mcyt fanfiction #dream smp x reader #mcyt imagine #dream smp fanfiction #dsmp x reader #dream smp imagine #dsmp fanfiction #dreamer posts ♠️

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mimsyaf · 4 years ago

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Aisha Gets A Life

Aisha is grounded for two weeks, and suspended for one. Not that the suspension matters — her parents yoink her out of West Valley so fast, she never does get her favorite pink hoodie from her locker. She wonders if it’s still there.

Sam doesn’t text her back.

On day four of Aisha’s captivity her mom goes to get her hair done, an all-day affair. Aisha Ubers over to the hospital and sits by Miguel’s side. His hand is cold and she holds it in both of her own. At last her warm, sweaty hands are good for something.

At the beginning of September, Aisha starts school at Cabot Preparatory. It’s pretty white, but so was West Valley. So.

Sensei texts her back to say he’s not a sensei anymore. He makes even more spelling mistakes than normal so Aisha figures he’s pretty drunk. You’ll always be my Sensei she texts, feeling a lump in her throat like when you swallow a too-big ice cube.

The three dots appear ... and disappear ... and appear ... and disappear...

Her parents make it very clear they don’t want her studying karate anyway. “Why not the dance team?” her mom asks brightly. Aisha laughs so hard she almost falls off the port side of the yacht. Yeah, her dad bought a yacht. Her mom says it’s a sign of a midlife crisis.

Aisha does not join the dance team.

She tries out for lacrosse instead. The captain is a tall, thin girl from South Africa, the daughter of a diplomat. She wears her hair in Bantu knots. Her name is Lerato and she takes one look at the way Aisha moves and her face lights up in unholy joy. “Eyyyyyy a new defender, I like our chances!”

“What about me?” sulks the existing defender, Sujin.

“What ABOUT you?” snaps Lerato, but she teasingly pulls her clever fingers through Suj’s long black hair as she passes.

Aisha is pretty sure the whole team is gay for Lerato.

Or maybe that’s just Aisha.

Miguel wakes up but he can’t walk. He can’t walk at all. Aisha visits him in the hospital again. She can tell he’s trying to be brave for her, so she does her best to act like nothing’s wrong. She makes fun of her rich-y rich private school to make him laugh, but the thing is. The thing is, Aisha’s beginning to love Cabot.

She’s taking AP French Lit and explicating Baudelaire. The girls in her classes are REALLY smart. And yeah, there are a couple bitchy cliques, but they’re amateurs compared to Yasmine in her prime.

Aisha does not give any of them a front wedgie. She can’t be bothered.

Sam texts her back out of the blue. She apologizes a lot. Aisha leaves her on Read. Not to be a shit but because she doesn’t even know what to say.

In October, everyone’s talking about the Halloween dance, and RIP Aisha, she has total trauma from last year.

Except. Except it’s supposed to be amazing, for one thing. No high school gym here — they have the dance in the auditorium, and all the theatre kids have transformed it into a haunted grotto or whatever. Also Lerato asks her to go.

“Like, go with you or go with you?” Aisha asks. Cringe.

“Like, be my date. My best girl.” Lerato is obsessed with Captain America. She cosplays as him on the reg. Aisha has a lot of feelings about one particular TikTok.

So on Halloween, Aisha dresses as Furiosa, and Lerato picks her up in an old Jeep Wrangler. Her mom looks... surprised. Tough titty, thinks Aisha. If you didn’t want me to be gay, you shouldn’t have sent me to an all-girls school.

Also, Lerato is dressed as Max, which is a. touching, b. thematically appropriate and c. THE HOTTEST THING EVER.

Aisha has her first kiss in the costume room at 9:26 pm and her first non-solo orgasm about 15 minutes later, because Lerato did not come to play with you hoes, she came to slay, bitch.

Aisha has no complaints.

One day out of nowhere Sensei texts her about Eagle Fang, tells her she should come meet them in the park.

Can’t, my mom said no more karate she texts.

The three dots appear ... and disappear ... and appear ... and disappear...

Lame he texts finally, so she knows it’s ok. She tells him about lacrosse, and also about Lerato.

Is she a babe?

She sends a pic. Badass comes the reply a minute later.

TTYL Sensei she texts. Then she has to explain TTYL. He does not correct her about calling him Sensei this time.

Cabot sweeps the All Valley Championship in Lacrosse. So there you go. She won the All Valley after all.

———————————————————————

Please suspend disbelief re: lacrosse, I know you play it in the spring. (I know NOW, that is.)

Cobra Kai Zoomers scare the hell out of me to write. I’m terrified of coming off like “How do you do, fellow kids?” But I love Aisha, so...

Thanks so much for reading. ❤️❤️❤️

#aisha robinson #fic #cobra kai #she’s a natural cobra

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milk-addicc · 4 years ago

Note

I really liked that post you made about how Capcom feels about Narumitsu. And I'm wondering how do you think they feel about Narumayo? Personally to me it feels like they throw more hints at Narumitsu since with the other one if Takami wanted it to be canon he would of done it at the end of T&T. I also think the team could of made it more obvious in SoJ with Maya's big return but I never really saw the hints but I know I'm biased lol.

oh i’m glad you like my rambles haha;;

ahh... that ship,

well first, about the whole Takumi “wanting narumitsu to be canon” thing, its not exactly making them canon but have more fanservice leaning heavy towards narumitsu (which was declined by the director(?) who claimed, i sorta agree with, that the game did well even without the narumitsu hinting since in the first game they didn’t have that intention and it was pure coincidence that their relationship was just THAT deep and meaningful which is incredible lmao, Takumi and co managed to slip his warning and still put at least some of the hints in TT tho hhh-). so even then, i doubt the crew actually want the endgame to come so soon hh.

okay, back on topic. what i think about naru//mayo? yea, i’m not keen on that ship personally at all, actually i despise it. like, they first met in the office, in front of their dead loved one, Mia. Maya was 17, Phoenix was 24. you have Maya, who’s supposedly still in HIGH SCHOOL and Phoenix, who has GRADUATED COLLEGE, has a JOB, and most likely has PAID HIS OWN BILLS. from that point alone, it should already feel weird.

Maya’s an adolescence, a teenager, she just lost her sister and barely grew up, in a way she’s still innocent, notice how she tend to ask random questions and or say things that she thinks makes sense or amusing, she tends to be naive too. its kinda like.. a child.

and Phoenix on the other hand, is a grown man. heck even Maya says he’s an “old fart”, they’re legit aware of their own age gap in game and outright say it. if anything, they both act like self-aware best friends/brother-sister than romantically. even Maya said it herself, she wants to be a good big sister for Pearl and Nick.

now how about we ignore this obvious fact just for a little while and try to see it from only their interactions in-franchise. heres the kicker, you may not see it in game since they only lightly nudges about this ship (usually with Pearl, and was dismissed by Maya right after.), but in some of AA spin off mangas (and from what i heard, one of the stage shows), for some reason, this ship has their own hints despite being completely aware that Maya is a teenager.

but its okay now don’t hold your breaths,

their “hints” are more of a one-off ish thing, most of the time a gag and not taken seriously, and unlike other ship per say narumitsu, where it actually affects their lives and changed it forever IN-GAME. “i care about Maya and understands her” and “i became an attorney because of you, Edgeworth and i don’t have any regrets” are both literally incomparable, especially given Phoenix and Edgeworth’s history together in-game canon.

anyway, here’s some common arguments i’ve encountered about this particular ship :

“but Phoenix cares about Maya a lot! he literally went through a trial against a hitman and run through a burning bridge for her!”

“Phoenix blushed and goes red when Pearl says he’s Maya’s special someone and he stutters!”

“Well my parents had a huge age gap!"

“well, Maya is 18 in AA2″

“considering Maya is a christmas cake now, Nick better tap that”

“she’s an adult in AA6 tho”

now lets dissect each of these,

yes, Phoenix cares about Maya a lot he literally did cross a burning bridge for her but people seem to forget that this is the same man who turned his life around, abandon his dreams, study law for four years, and became an attorney to meet one man and willing to defend a girl who looks like his psychotic ex that nearly poisoned him in court. he literally would believe in his clients’s innocence no matter what, he’s by nature would sacrifice anything and even his life for someone. so its normal that he cares about Maya, but is it romantic? i doubt it, he cares about her safety and well being but does it have to be a romantic hint? no, of course not, he’s just very selfless for the people he cares about and Maya has no one to help her but Nick when she’s in trouble, he’s one of few adults she can trust and will help her out.

oh so blushing and stuttering due to embarrassment means having feelings now? and about the stuttering, he literally stutters around Edgeworth a lot lol. i’m starting to feel like people ships naru//mayo not because of their depth but because Pearl said so. Pearl finds them should be together and keep shoving the audience with Nick being “Mystic Maya’s special someone”, well if thats the case, they also explained why this happened, in-game. Pearl grew up very sheltered and among unhealthy marriages she just assumes a girl and a boy together means they’re dating and being “special someones”. she most likely just wants her cousin to be in a happy relationship unlike her parents where her father left both her and her mother but didn’t know any better because she was eight years old.

https://youtu.be/FGAqQkMEKNs?start=674&end=776

now about the parent thing and taking it personal, well my parents too had a huge age-gap of 7 years. but how come is it okay? its because they met when my mum was already a career woman at 26. she’s already an adult when my dad met her. what does this mean? it means my parents were both adults when they’re together, this is why i still like GumMaggey despite their age gap so wide, they first met when Maggey has already had a career, supposedly in her 20′s, she’s a young adult, she can buy alcohol by herself, already knows whats right and wrong and has live life independently, not a still hormonal teenager who depends on one adult figure. did your parents date when your mum is in highschool while your dad is like in his mid 20′s? sorry to hear that.

as for the last three arguments, i don’t even want to touch any of them with a five-foot pole. are you listening to yourself? do you not feel like you’re a creep typing that?

let me give you a benefit of the doubt. yes she’s older and legally an adult, but are you really discrediting the fact they met when Maya was still in highschool? they met and became friends when she’s 17 and he’s 24. sure they barely met during disbarment era, but should that change anything? why should it? how should it? like this?

“Oh this is Maya, i haven’t met her in years but boy she sure has grown up can’t wait to date her since she’s legal now.”

because thats what that argument sounds like, YIKES.

you know? if they met under a different circumstance and Maya was like 19, i’d let it go. but they didn’t, they met because of a horrible loss, Maya, still in training, 17 lost her big sister and Phoenix, a rookie, at 24 lost his mentor.

in conclusion, i don’t like naru//mayo at all

pairing them feels like pairing Edgeworth with Kay or Phoenix with Ema, just because they partnered in investigations, make playful jabs at each other, and saved each others’s lives before, people just think they like each other romantically despite their age-gap in first meetings (not to mention Kay sees Edgeworth as somewhat of a father figure, and she’s nearly 18 while Edgeworth is the same age as Phoenix). especially with how Maya, being a zoomer, calls Phoenix an “old fart” and just makes jokes about how so out-of-touch Phoenix is with the modern entertainment.

from observations, i have a huge hunch that almost all of them pair these two because :

1. Maya’s a girl protagonist so its a male protagonist x female protagonist type of deal and despise narumitsu because “yaoi”

2. AA6 she’s an adult so she’s legal which is damn creepy on its own, or last

3. because of Pearl shipping them in game despite being an eight year old and was so sheltered she thought a man and a woman being next to each other means they’re special someones.

either way, i only see them as best friends, sibling-like relationship with self awareness here and there since they tease the audience a lot with their gag “hints” in spin-off mangas and game.

not only that, it kinda showcase how all male/female bond don’t have to be romantic, they can be just friends or familial and still hang together. another plus for the franchise right after encouraging moving on from ex partners. *glancing at Phoenix//Iris*

and as to the people who pairs this for some odd reasons, sometimes i just want to ask these questions,

“how would you feel if you’re in Phoenix’s shoes? met your mentor’s little sister at age 17 while you’re 24, would you feel romantically interested in this high schooler?” because i don’t, to me anyone 3 years younger than me is like a baby, how would Phoenix feel when Maya’s 7 years younger?

“also... why even? narumitsu and other less questionable pairings are RIGHT THERE in the open!”

but oh well people can like and pair whatever hhh,

and there you have it, my even longer rambling hahaha sorry;;

Edit : To add the final nail to the coffin, Phoenix outright has said that Maya’s like his kid, like a niece.

Edit 2 : remember that this is simply my personal take, you can somewhat use this to make yourself feel better about your pair nor simply just to hate on the ship itself but do not use this to dictate actual people what to ship and not to ship.

please don’t be destructive towards others.

#NOT n*rumayo #notp #naru//mayo #can't ship them sorry #im almost 20 and everyone 3 years younger feels like a child #imagine being phoenix and knowing maya is like 7 years younger jfc #slight #narumitsu #encouragement lol #dont harrass the shippers of it please

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whumpster-fire · 3 years ago

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Currently thinking about how current D&D lore for elves is that elves don’t actually take any longer to grow up than humans, their culture just doesn’t treat you as an adult until about age 100 and comparing it to the age dynamics in our society and going “Ykw this is actually kinda fucked up.”

Although elves reach physical maturity at about the same age as humans, the elven understanding of adulthood goes beyond physical growth to encompass worldly experience.

So this to me is implying that elves reach a relatively mature level of mental development not that old either because the alternative is “30-year-old elf who looks 20 but is mentally an 8-year-old” which is really, really stupid. Which I guess means that elves are just stuck in perpetual adolescence where they’re socially like teenagers or college-aged “kids” for what, like ninety years because you aren’t a real adult until you finish your 75th year of graduate studies, and not allowed to own property or make financial decisions or vote or marry.

I know the usual depiction of elven society is this erudite noocracy which is at worst resistant to change due to long lifespans and resistant to taking risks due to slow reproduction, but as a jaded millenial/zoomer it just reminds me of shit like the younger generations having extremely poor upward social and economic mobility because the boomers have a stranglehold, and all the stories I’ve read about younger adults trapped in toxic households because it’s not financially viable to move out, etc.

Are elves that enlightened, or are they a culture where the age of majority is set artificially high so that the youth can be controlled and used for labor? Like apprenticeships decades long where you might just be mopping floors instead of actually learning anything until 15 years in, or childcare, or farm work and all the other stuff that needs to get done to make a society functional, or hell even military service because in a world full of dangerous monsters and other nasty stuff even an isolationist society needs to defend itself and when the decision has to be made between sacrificing a 180-year-old with a family or a single 75-year-old I think the 75yo is going to be the one handed a spear and put on the front lines, albeit with more training and experience than an 17-year-old human.

I think a great motivation for elven adventurers leaving their communities isn’t what elven culture euphemistically calls “wanderlust” so much as a basic desire for autonomy and respect and being treated like a full person.

Also elves’ age of adulthood being cultural and not biological other than them having long enough lifespans that they can do that certainly puts a new context on half-elves not fitting into elven society. The elves don’t even have to actively, consciously discriminate: not discriminating and treating a half-elf by the same standards as an elf of the same age would create a huge equity vs equality lifespan because a 100yo elf is still physically a young adult but a 100yo half-elf is well into middle age, but the alternative would seem like giving them massive privileges and responsibilities compared to their elven peers of the same age. I guess to an elf it would feel like “Your brother has a congenital illness which gives him a life expectancy of around 35, so we’re giving him a driver’s license when he turns 7.”

Give me things like a shop in a human town owned by an elf couple who ran away together at a scandalously young age of like 40 because their relationship was treated like two irresponsible teenagers who can’t be together without a chaperone and they couldn’t get any professional respect beyond an “Oh well it’s good work for your age” but in Humanville they can legally actually own a business and get married and things like that.

Or something like a half-elf whose human parent dies and their elf parent, who didn’t have custody, finds out and is regretting not being more involved in their life and contacts them trying to adopt them and the half-elf is like “Dad, I appreciate the sentiment but I moved out of Mom’s place years ago, I’m happy to visit but I don’t need a guardian.“

Another thing I think would be interesting is if dragons, to the extent that they care enough about humanoids to try to understand their perspective, are actually weirded out by elves’ cultural norms about childhood and maturity. Because they’re both long-lived beings with a long “childhood" and their social hierarchy is based on age, but even the most parentally involved dragon species are very autonomous at a young age and have their own lair and territory and property and maybe have to pay “rent” to their parents for living in overlapping territory under their protection. To a dragon, an orc or goblin society where you’re a warrior when you’re big enough to hold a sword and kill things and an adult when you hit puberty might be more relatable than an elven society even if the former’s life expectancy is an order of magnitude shorter.

#D&D fandom #elves #long lifespan problems

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project-sour-grapes · 3 years ago

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My Precious Entitled Career

Despite my “success,” I've come to the realization that how I approach everything is wrong.

I am a professional in tech and an artist. My friends call me patient and hardworking beyond what is expected. In high school, I was one of those never-crack-a-book honors students with a fancy scholarship. However, when I look inward, all of these good fruits seem like an accident.

I was recently let go from a tech company that your average zoomer would know the name of. There was a conflict around compensation that played out over a week or two that escalated into my being terminated. While the decisions I made were kosher with my contract and were built upon advice from other professionals who had been in my shoes, I now consider my approach to be a failure. It's important to note that I don't regret standing up for myself, as that lesson was overdue for separate reasons. However, my mindset throughout the conflict did not serve me any good and I've now seen the severity of my entitlement and self importance through a magnifying glass.

I could detail you the statistics on median pay for my job, my old company, my state, etc. I could state why the situation seemed unjust and why I felt underappreciated and fooled. Maybe it was unfair on paper, and maybe I had the right to be angry, depending on who you ask. But I don't care anymore.

Time has been plentiful for my unemployed self. I have spent it ruminating, walking, and listening to audiobooks, one of which is Ego is the Enemy by Ryan Holiday. In one chapter, Holiday details Jackie Robinson's struggles as a black man trying to play professional baseball. If anything was fair on paper, it would have been Jackie Robinson fighting back against the racists (which he did and was arrested for when he was younger). But as a professional, he was encouraged by others to ignore racism and just beat them in games. And he did. He didn’t fight anybody anymore, even though he would have been right to and those idiots would have deserved it. Being a famous baseball player and fully grown adult yet being treated like a non-human or a child is the peak of unfair. But Holiday’s book’s point is that looking past unfairness towards the mission is sometimes necessary to accomplish it.

I'm not saying my life struggle compares to Jackie Robinson's. In fact, that is exactly what I'm not saying. My "unfair" situations pale in comparison to his. He climbed Everest and I'm over here upset about an ant hill. And in some sense, I made that ant hill myself. I mean that if he can experience literal crimes and keep his head up, then I need to shut my damn mouth.

What is the correct approach to my work then? Let's rewind a bit. Full disclosure, my old approach to my life's work was this:

I am going to work myself to death for you, and if you don't give me the world in return, that is a moral failure.

Isn't that a biting statement? There is the entitlement out in the open. I'm not proud to have thought this way at all, and I'm sorry to all of you have had to put up with this mindset from me. But there it is.

Now. Where do we go from here? Well, during my unemployed ruminations over the past few weeks, I came across Dr. Alok Kanojia's (AKA HealthyGamerGG on Youtube) video on motivation, fairness, and how we're not entitled to anything. He talked about how, since life is unfair and unpredictable, we are not entitled to the results of our actions. We don't automatically have the right to the outcome of an action. We only have the actions themselves. Studying doesn’t entitle us to an A+. We are only entitled to the studying itself. That’s the way of the universe. In my old job, I prioritized work above all else. I forewent classes that I ended up failing or dropping. I begged to work overtime. I was, in the words of multiple others, "kicking ass." Then I decided I was entitled to something because of it. And I got angry when that was not satisfied. That is where I went wrong. It is true that I was promised a few things that did not come to fruition. Maybe it was morally acceptable to be angry about unfulfilled promises. But like I said, I’m done caring about that. That's not what it is about anymore.

What is it about is action. All we have in life is our actions. The more I think about what I value, the more I see the emphasis on action.

When we say to live in the present instead of the past or future, we're talking about action, since the present is the only time action can happen

When we roll our eyes at the person who says "I'm the idea guy," we're valuing action

The concept "Show, don't tell" works, because it is about action

Giving your soul to a job/person/thing who didn't even ask for it, then holding out your hand and saying "Gimme" is not about action. It is focused on outcome. Maybe it’s not fair that we can’t expect equal rewards in return for our work all the time. And on paper, it really is. Give X, get X. Seems fair and logical. But for me, for that to be the starting place and the motivation for my work no longer serves me. I’m not saying fairness isn’t a worthy goal or that it is bad. Fairness can be the outcome of a good mission. But it is not required to complete the mission. And it’s not going to be the sole motivator for my decisions, because life is grey and humans can’t always deliver on promises, through no fault of their own. What I'm not going to do anymore is throw my hands up and say, "Sorry, this is unfair so I quit.”

Where this leaves me is that I'm reconsidering my career--not only how I approach the work but the field I chose entirely. In the past, I tried to do biomedical research, but I failed. I have also enrolled and unenrolled in many an EMT class and have taken and failed Biology, Chemistry, and Physics classes repeatedly. This was all because of a hazy dream of being a doctor that has sat in the back of my mind every day.

I kept trying out this doctor dream, but I would always hit a tiny snag, exaggerate it, and give up. I have gone through about 10 multi-month cycles of this for years. And guess what the snags were:

That professor gave me a B+ instead of an A on a single exam. Pre-med education is inherently unfair, and I'm not putting up with this.

I have to study this bio concept that I probably won't even use if I become a real doctor. That's a waste of my time, so I'd rather fail/drop than learn it.

Doctors have to get up at 5am? That goes against science on sleep schedules, so I'm not going to do it.

How pissy and entitled? Who thinks like that? Me, apparently--or who I hope to be "old me."

How did I get so caught up in what is fair or unfair that I lost sight of the forest for the trees? News flash, self... everything is unfair! Gym is always packed? Unfair. Fighting cancer? Unfair. Some idiot who cares less than you do got picked for the job? Unfair. Hell, the unfairness of life is half the reason why we even get up in the morning. Name a career that isn’t about taking an unfair situation and turning it into a better one. (If you can, maybe don’t do that career.) We do stuff as humans, because it’s unfair. Or the alternative, not doing it, would be unfair. If doctors threw up their hands because disease is unfair, we’d still be fighting polio. I wouldn’t make it one second in caveman times with my old attitude. The hungry lions staring at my caveman camp don’t care what I think is fair.

So here's the mission. We are going to look unfair things in the face and still do them. Despite their unfairness. Despite the fear that something will take more than it gives. Despite the brain saying, "This is inefficient, so let's not do it at all." In fact, it's because of their unfairness that we will do them. Then we can leave them better off for someone else. Or do them better the next time. I am calling this Project Sour Grapes. It starts right now.

#sourgrapes

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thetrashywritingwitch · 4 years ago

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what differences do you notice between your generation and today's generation?

oooh an interesting question. hmm...

well, im a millennial so there’s several generations younger than me. Gen Z, or “zoomers” as i’ve heard, are are like 25 years old to 10 or something like that so i could be as much as 15 years older than then youngest gen Z. that’s a big age gap and a massive difference in life experience, interests, hobbies, etc.

my generation is just. tired lol we’re all tired and depressed and overworked and incredibly pessimistic that much good will come of anything and shit is just fucked, at least the Gen Y folks in my own circles. we’re trying to make things better through social justice and grassroots organizing (unionizing, protesting, picket lines, sharing gofundmes and such). but it’s incredibly hard to categorize us so broadly because we’re all different? as much as we might want to believe each generation is a little more to the left, a little more liberal than the last... idk if this is honestly true. because we still have fucking nazis running around and white supremacy culture alongside the patriarchy still dominates, arguably more now than it ever has in terms of business practices, us capitalism, and imperialism studies.

Gen Z, in the same vein, are also more socially aware than any other generation and less prone to propaganda imo because of how connected they are to the internet and social media. they grew up in the “everything already sucks and is shit so i’m gonna have a good time while i’m here lololll” mentality which is tbh admirable. give me a few years and maybe i’ll get there

Gen Z is the generation that grew up on technology and the expectations follow. i didn’t have a cellphone until i was in middle school, and it was a shit cheap flip phone only for emergencies. i could make calls and play Snake on it and buy Hoobastank ringtones and that was about it.

Gen Z is more connected to the internet than any other generation. they’re, from what i’ve seen, more readily on every single social media platform and constantly connecting to people and things online. which can be as good as it is dangerous if they aren’t taught how to be vigilant of creeps online, are taught online etiquette (this is kinda a big one because idk most of the rude folks i’ve encountered online are younger and they dont realize how what they say could be construed as curt or rude, or potentially don’t care bc it’s just “online, no one knows you, doesn’t matter”. every generation has this so its not a callout but its just a personal observation from my own experience).

also, Gen Z uhhh text lingo absolutely escapes me. they shorten pretty much everything and it makes stuff difficult to read. “ilu sm wt r u doin” stuff like this. and i get it, it’s fine, but it does absolutely make things harder for me to understand what’s being said at times

so i think the biggest gap between our generations is our relationship with technology. Gen Z grew up with smartphones and immediate internet access and bright screens while Gen Y didn’t until we were like, 10-20 years old already

uhhhhh hope this answers your question! i’m sure i could add way more but these are the immediate things that come to mind also my hands are cold and typing is hard

#Anonymous #trashwitch answers

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chemicallywrit · 4 years ago

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Hey I read watership down when I was 6 because that was the age my dad read it and I didn’t really understand it because I didn’t know what things like construction were but I still have nightmares about being skinned and also became convinced that I could see the future so here I am asking you about watership down.

Wow Fiver i’m so honored to meet you, thank you for the ask~

I read Watership Down in fifth grade and what I loved about it was the mythology and language, because like most nerdy fifth graders I was obsessed with mythology and code languages. I was just starting to get into Redwall at the time too, so did I start to write some anthropomorphic animal adventures? of COURSE I did, but there was something complex I couldn’t quite nail, because I didn’t quite understand it--

I read Watership Down in high school when I was in AP Government, when I was old enough to get salty about my teacher spouting political opinions to her students like she was talking to her friends in the group chat, and this time the line that stuck out to me was in a footnote: “In the Sandleford warren at this time, the Owsla was rather military in character (though, as will be seen later, not as military as some).”

And while that selfsame teacher was trying to get us to debate complex issues like the needs of the few over the rights of many without simplifying issues down to useless platitudes, I realized that if leaders aren’t willing to adapt and change, then they will eventually be killed. I was voted president of the honors society next year, even though I was an unpopular nerd that everyone thought was Mormon, and I had to assess leadership and politics in a way I never had before, despite my gov teacher’s best efforts--

I read Watership Down during a summer internship in Georgia, where the nearest person I knew was three states away and the only friendship I experienced was from a tiny church group that practiced prophecy and faith healing, and had my parents warning me about signs that you’ve joined a cult, and I was lonesome as Fiver under the willow tree in the rain, and Fiver told me that “a thing can be true and still be desperate folly.” And I held my new friends at a distance and watched them as they poured forth sermons without substance, and I longed for home, I longed to go uphill to someplace high and away--

I read Watership Down in grad school after the church I loved began to tear itself to pieces, an absolute joke of pride and misogyny and selfishness, when the pastor who hadn’t even been very present in the church to begin with started traveling to his other ministry more and more, and the guest speakers started teaching numerology from the pulpit, and I told my brother, sitting next to me, I can’t go to the potluck. I can’t stand it. I can’t pretend that everything is fine anymore. And I left my church. Zorn, zorn, all zorn.

But my friends stayed with me. The Bible study I’d been co-leading drifted into an inter-church outreach, and some other members left the church too, but we stayed together, and no one stopped us because no one cared much about the millennials and zoomers anyway. And I felt like Bigwig, blunt and bothered and never one to hold my tongue, being told by someone much wiser that they were glad to have me along--

I read Watership Down after I left my first job after graduation. I still didn’t know anyone after being out of state for eight years. I hated that job, but the limbo afterward, in which I was unsure, once again, if I could pay my rent, if I could afford my student loans, if my credit card was going to penalize me again, if I was going to be overdrawn again, if there was anything I was going to be able to eat besides raman...My heart was in the frost. But I wasn’t quite alone. Not far now, Hlao-roo, not far now.

My copy got stolen out of my car, along with my scientific calculator, which I was actually more upset about. Those things are expensive. When I was free from the frost again, I bought another copy.

I’m going to read Watership Down again. I read it whenever I need something familiar and comforting and encouraging.

Watership Down is a story about nature and rabbits. Watership Down is a story about leadership and politics. But ultimately, Watership Down is the story of a group of people who decide that what they’ve been promised by their god and their hero is true, that there is a place for them in this world, and that place is worth fighting for, even if all you can do is tell stories to keep people calm, even if all you can do is dig a little deeper and settle in, even if all you can do is run.

All the world will be your enemy, and when they catch you, they will kill you. But first they must catch you, Digger, Listener, Runner. Be cunning and full of tricks, and your people will never be destroyed.

#thank you anon #i cried writing this #i just love this book so dang much #watership down #yakkety-yak y'all talk back #Anonymous

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roc-thoughtblog · 4 years ago

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Sense and Sensibility Readthrough Part 7

Chapter 10, Pages 39-45

Previously, Marianne and Margaret went for a run up a hill, got rained on, and ran all the way back down. A romance novel male love interest picks up a fallen Marianne, takes her home, and acts very mysterious-romance-novel-male-love-interest-like.

Marianne is obviously infatuated.

I end up thinking too much about the unfathomable nature of skin-tones today, though I think I also managed to struggle a bit more than usual concentrating. Definitely ran quite overtime.

Readthrough below.

Chapter 10 Willoughby visits, and is charmed.

Miss Dashwood had a delicate complexion, regular features, and a remarkably pretty figure. Marianne was still handsomer.

Oof. Wait, hang on; we're getting description. This is the most description of Marianne's appearance! Incoming:

Posture's not as good as her sister, but she is taller. Skin is of very brown overtone but a very visible "uncommonly brilliant" undertone. How brown is very brown? Are undertones a thing or did I just make up something I think I overheard once? I'm about to go on a tangent into what undertones & overtones are aren't I. BRB. Also she has very dark eyes that are quite full of life.

My understanding of skin tones mostly comes from being a poor artist and getting messed up trying to figure out how they work because they DON'T STAY THE SAME OVER ANY PATCH OF SKIN OR CONSISTENT AT ANY ANGLE. And SPLOTHCY. SPLOTCHY EVERYWHERE, ALL THE TIME. So I get a vague sense of what Jane Austen is trying to get at. From what it sounds like, Marianne is pretty generally brown on the surface but also fairly rosy in all those fleshy parts that do the most weird multidimesional optical illusioning that skin-tones tend to do? She probably turns very red when she's blushy, is the implication anyway, that I could have just said on the outset but then I went and buried my head in seasons and carotene and foundation.

Maybe I'll use Marianne as the subject of a skin-tone study. I suck at skin-tones and this is the most I've ever thought about it in years.

Anyway, she's embarrassed at first but they quickly hit it off; this is all still a no-dialogue cutscene so Austen's really skipping over any occasion for Willoughby to talk. Well, from the sounds of it they'll be chatting for hours... mutually charmed, all the same tastes, etc. Ah, haha, she does bulldoze over their differences a bit. Willoughby doesn't put up a resistance; either he's too charmed or, as a 25 year old, he doesn't want to debate an enthusiastic teenager. Well, at least he's not 35.

Dialogue resumes as soon as he leaves. I should keep a note of which important characters have been conspicuously reserved by the narrative; Willoughby and Edward both been. Poor Margaret is just unimportant.

Elinor thinks Marianne's going to fast. Run out of things to talk about soon. Marianne gets snippy and returns fire;

"But I see what you mean. [...] I have erred against every commonplace notion of decorum; I have been open and sincere where I ought to have been reserved, spiritless, dull and deceitful - had I talked only of the weather and the roads, and had I spoken only once in ten minutes, this reproach would have been spared."

She's getting her back for the attraction-to-fever line. I sort of agree with Elinor, I get the feeling Willoughby isn't y'know. As passionate as Marianne is, so much as just humouring her. But either way he's charmed so. He keeps coming back day after to day, to "check in" on Marianne's recovery.

Oh! But he does participate in her activities though. That is encouraging. And he reads emotively haha. Mama Dashwood loves him, but naturally Elinor finds his general, hmm, incautious demeanor to be disapprovable. Marianne has seen in Willoughby the saviour that justified her impossible standards! I call that she's probably more than a little infatuated and Willoughby's gonna turn out to be less than everything she thought he was, or that she wanted.

Infatuation is wild isn't it.

Mama Dashwood's already hearing wedding bells, as she would. Elinor's starting to see that Colonel Brandon really does have small interest in Marianne (after everyone else stopped caring because he's not interesting). He gets Elinor's pity and compassion for generally being a guy whose disposition implies like he's had a bit of a downer past, and also for generally being compared against Willoughby. Also because Marianne will never stop being mean about his age. Though I wonder how much of his improvement in Elinor's eyes is precisely by nature of Willoughby having arrived to be worth disapproving.

Oh Willoughby finally talks, and the first things he says involves going off on poor Brandon;

"Brandon is just the kind of man," said Willoughby one day, when they were talking of him together, "whom everybody speaks well of, and nobody cares about; whom all are delighted to see, and nobody remembers to talk to."

Aww. My image of Brandon has really changed. Before it was like some kind of caricature of a retired military man, making him look very much on the 50-60 end of 35 years, with a brush moustache. But after all that, man. Now I just see a tired older millenial. You know, the particular kind of tired millenial who are just stuck in a perpetual state of scraping by slowly while anticipating middle age behind the next big hill, while still getting berated by the older gens for being millenials, and getting memed on by the Gen Z for being old.

Did I just call Marianne a zoomer?

Well, meming on older people is just an age/maturity thing, not a generational thing. Happens every time. Even 200 years ago, in a book.

A... Anyway...

Elinor justifiably defends Brandon from Willoughby's more exagerrated character attacks. Then he keeps talking, so she just sticks to calling him and Marianne out instead for being prejudiced and-

"In defense of your protégé you can even be saucy."

HOLY SHIT. I mean the more I hear out of Willoughby's mouth the more of a jackass he seems. No wonder Austen kept his mouth shut for a bit. This whole thing just escalates into an argument that ends in a disagreement. Elinor thinks Willoughby as holding an unjustifiably contemptuous attitude towards an inoffensive and unfortunate person; Willoughby's annoyed that Elinor's pressing him on the matter as he simply views his own observations of Brandon's social deficiencies as factual, and probably to his eyes therefore not contemptuous in nature.

And Marianne is just being actually the pettiest and meanest one here because she's Marianne and Willoughby is enabling her.

"You shall find me as stubborn as you can be artful. I have three unanswerable reasons for disliking Colonel Brandon; he threatened me with rain when I wanted it to be fine; he has found fault with the hanging of my curricle, and I cannot persuade him to buy my brown mare. [...] And in return for an acknowledgement, [...] you cannot deny me the privilege of disliking him as much as ever."

Willoughby's whole closing argument is some great character stuff. He said earlier that he didn't dislike Brandon; I like that it's a bit up in the air whether or not he genuinely had no issue with the man, and was just being very distastefully insensitive, or whether he was actually heartily prejudiced against Brandon for those three petty reasons and wasn't being up-front with himself or anyone else until Elinor called him out. I'm leaning towards the latter, personally.

Either way, he is petty enough now to really double down on disliking Brandon in this moment; for no other reason than as to spite Elinor for managing to convince him not to.

Yeah I don't think I like Willoughby very much. Literally, one of those guys who seems nice until they open their mouth, wow.

As a side note, for the spitefulness of the dialogue, the narrator's been very sparing of the less pleasant aspects of Marianne and Willoughby's characters. Imagine if they were minor characters like Sir and Lady Middleton! Would definitely have just torn straight into the two of them on top of just letting them talk.

#what the hell 1400 words?#maybe i'm getting carried away #Sense and Sensibility #Jane Austen #i want it on record in the tags that i will defend Brandon from Willoughby #novels #readthrough

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