#i have to go lay down on the floor now
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Oh no help iām thinkin about Bruceās unique relationship with Dick, and Iām givin myself emotions over it
Like all of Bruceās kids have unique traumas, right? Cass was raised a child soldier by an uncaring father, Jason was an abandoned street kid in the heart of Gotham, Tim was ignored and neglected even before his parents died.
But Dick had a happy healthy family cut short by unexpected tragedy right in front of him. Exactly like Bruce. That was the whole reason he was the first kid Bruce brought home. Batman had seen kids in bad situations before but Dick was the first kid in an almost identical situation to Bruce himself as a child. He thought āI know firsthand exactly what this kid needs and what he absolutely does not need.ā Every other ward Bruce has taken in heās been equipped for by his past experience with Dick, and by knowledge gained from his work as both Batman and philanthropist Bruce Wayne. But Dick is personal. In some ways Dick being okay is a means for Bruce to be okay.
Hence the reason why Bruce and Dick tend to have the most and worst fights. Like yeah Jason is the family rebel but his bone to pick is more with Batman than Bruce, and boiled down is pretty simple: he died on Batmanās watch and heās pissed about it. Bruce knows this and honestly agrees hence Red Hood doesnāt get the broken bones and prison treatment.
But Dick? Dick is the one who fights with Bruce and Bruce fights back. Because nothing freaks out a parent more than seeing all the ways their kid is primed to make the same mistakes as them, the things that kid learned because their parent went āwell theyāre just like me, so Iāll raise them like I wasā and realizing the downsides to that until itās too late. But those kinds of insecurities are often subconscious even in people who arenāt as emotionally stunted about their own traumas as Bruce Wayne so instead itās like every so often out of nowhere Bruce will pick Dick up and try to huck him as far away as possible and of fucking course that confuses and pisses Dick off. And Dick, who was not raised with Batman hero worship, who knew the man under the cowl before the myth and the legend, who was raised equally by both, and is a goddamned adult man, has absolutely no qualms going āOh absolutely the FUCK notā and either stomping back to get in his fatherās face or stomping off to the west coast, depending.
And with Dick having the same deep fear about Not Turning Out Like Batman as all of the kids, even if Bruce says āI just panic sometimes because youāre so much like me, and I donāt want you to make the same mistakes I didā chances are Dick wonāt realize the me his dad is talking about is in fact Bruce Wayne, the always witty and fun social butterfly, with the reputation of being a wild child, who never settles down with any of the million people he flirts with, who buries all his pain behind a much more human mask.
And Bruce has to wonder, how much if it is nature and how much is because one fateful day Batman saw a child and thought āheās exactly like me?ā
#dc comics#batman#batfam#i could keep rambling but i think iām inly gonna get more incoherent from here#but yāall GET WHAT I MEAN RIGHT????#i have to go lay down on the floor now
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Namalin
Namari x Falin
Easy short rarepair spotlight post for prosperity~ This one I didnāt think of on my own for once, I donāt know if itās just I forgot the decided-on ship name or what but I remember seeing really nice art and a couple posts about it that I canāt find again š Namalin warrior you are out there and not forgotten ty for making me see the light
I like that Namariās critical of Falin! I have a whole character analysis on Falin if youāre interested, but itās generally well noticed that people around Falin idealize her a lot. Laios, Marcille and Toshiro all put her on a pedestral of ultimate goodness in the world, a saintess if nothing short of perfection. Sounds like Chilchuck felt sort of creeped out by her vibes, uncomfortable because he couldnāt read her, so unlike Namari it seems he preferred steering clear of her rather than debate opposed ideologies like he usually does. Makes sense if unlike Namari his issue is with her cryptic aura rather than the stances she does show. "ā¦ The dungeon is no place for soft hearts" my ultimate namalin scene <333 Itās fun because while this scene is there to show us a lot of things, mostly to establish Falinās characters better as itās the first flashback of her we get, the conflict in it is more than anything else Falin vs Namari in how they contrast and clash and approach situations differently. Namari wants security in swift effective violence and thinks Falin too soft for her own good when she prefers a pacifist approach and promotes compassion even for the "undeserving" in Namariās eyes. Falin steps between the battle ready Namari and the ghost, fearless. Falin effortlessly gently exorcises the ghost without one step back, quickly. Falin proves someone wrong. Falin proves someone wrong.
I love thinking of Namari being surprised when she learns new aspects of Falin. I like Falin having the power to shape peopleās views on her. With Falin ships the most fun part for me is usually that point where Falin/the relationship becomes a clean slate: the person realizes they havenāt been seeing all of her, realizes thereās more of her they hadnāt noticed or that she hadnāt shown, that thereās change, a shift in the views on each other and the dynamic a bit.
Namari often feels like an external view looking in to meā¦ I need to make a proper analysis on her but like. I made a lamari post once (analytic more than personally invested rip sorry) and I go with the same Namari take here, I think sheās someone who tends to have an outsider view on people and relationships if that makes sense, sheās a coworker before anything else and sheās content staying at a distance, sheās not objective per se but she tries to keep feelings out of her choices and how she sees people (her lil arc on not staying to save Falin despite the existing camaderie but in the end asking to work for the Flokes more because she wants to stay with them). Sheās serious no nonsense on the job but friendly off the job and likes having casual friends, but sheās notā¦ She doesnāt really feel connected to the group. Sheās so focused on doing her job, even if she does get impulsive and passionate and too assertive for her bossesā tastes, so focused on working her reputation and life from the ground up that that professionalism and attitude limits her social life. It doesnāt help that her reputation makes her widely judged, so she probably enters social spaces on the derensive. The closest person she was to pre-canon as far as we knew was Chilchuck and even they have a very "coworker I get along with" dynamic more than friends, with a similar sense of boundaries, humor and world view. Also like canon says a few time, the party didnāt really try to get to know each other well pre-canon, didnāt hang out after work often no one knew where Marcille was from and no one thought that was weird (also how no one had the instinct to ask about Senshiās past) etc, the notable exception is weāre shown Namari and Chilchuck hitting taverns together and having a grand time. Everyoneās fine with things as they are, they get along decent even if not everyone considers each other friends exactly. Where Iām getting at is that to me, it feels like she tries keeping emotional distance. Emotional distance from people in general being something which in my interpretation of Falin is also present, which would make it a theme and common thread interesting to explore imo. But yes like, Namari looking at Falin, and how everyone treats her, and being more skeptical, seeing her for what she is a little more, maybe even uncharitable. "Why is everyone treating her like sheās all that? Sheās gentle sure but seems like a doormat to me" and then one day she comes running up with her mace ready to cave in someoneās face to protect Laios. So yeahā¦ Keeping her distance but one day Falin offering her some gentleness that feels very too personal for someone whoās not used to being genuine and simply showing that they careā¦ Them talking a bit which leaves her stumped and mindblown in a quiet way when Falin defies her expectations. Namari growing on Falin when she stays and decides to open herself up more, or when Falin ends up reading her really well like sheās shown to do with her parents and Marcilleās worries. Sheās very attuned to worrying and why and when different people do it especially when it comes to when they worry for others, perhaps because she does a lot of that too, so I think sheād nail down how Namari does care for the rest of the party and itād make Namari feel seen both in a warm validating way and in a scared naked way.
We see in the tentacles chapter that sheās someoneās whoās very protective and looks out for her peers in a tough love way. Sheās overbearing but itās because she wants everyone to have the best chances. I like that sheās very confrontational and somewhat pushy and rude, but itās tough love, itās protective care: asserting herself to better protect and defend. The opposite of Falinās type of care, quiet and self-sacrificial devotion. Theyāre barbarian x healer but theyāre also bodyguard x bodyguard in their attitude and role. ā¦ What I want for them is slow burn slice of life of being coworkers and slowly getting to know each other better, pretty fluffy, but god, put this way theyād have the potential to be such a hot layered mess of insanely mutually devoted codependenceā¦ Falin taking a hit for Namari and Namari being scarred by it forever, lots of arguments about it, my god.
I like that sheās the fighter to Falinās healer. I looove thinking of scenes of Falin healing Namari, necessitating touch and like, a moment of slowing down and sitting together in silence, too intimate, the perfect opportunity to connect that neither truly want to take until one day they do. I love how onesided I imagine the relationship would be at first. Again, as per my interpretation of Falin, I think Namari would have all these little observations and opinions on Falin meanwhile Falin really doesnāt think of Namari much at first. So Namari thinks a lot about Falin and thinks sheās got her pinned down but hasnāt (not that sheās fully wrong, sheād have credit and confront Falin on some of her flaws like the doormat thing), while Falin is very passive about Namari and doesnāt think deeply about her or anything but she read Namariās insecurities and logic well. Not unlike how Laios was the one who seemed to understand Namariās way of care the best in the party in the tentacles episode, and how he was very understanding of her choice and reasons. In Falinās case itās more like, the objectivity of passivityā¦ She cares about Namari less than Laios who generally seeks to form bonds, so her lack of investment allows her a neutral perspective. In that way another parallel with Namari that Iām drawing, except Namari lets feelings from her opinions seeps in moreā¦ Onesided beef my beloved. Iām going insane save me this post was a mistake. I think Falin takes the crumbs of friendship and love where she can without expecting or asking for anything more than whatās offered, and I think her relationship with Namari (or anyone really) would start out the way it did with Marcille: the other takes the initiative and they end up spending time together, Falin is friendly but unattached until the bond gets gradually and wordlessly strenghtened through regularly spending moments together. So! I think Namari would need to take a lot of the first steps, which since again sheās confrontational & argumentative and doesnāt hold herself back on that front that could spark a lot of conversations I think. Ooor since Falin cares about Namari less than Laios and Marcille she allows herself to be bolder herself lol. Or also circumstances force them to spend time together like dungeon party getting separated shenanigans.
I think their personalities match cutely, I think falin would try to protect namari like she does others but also Namari simply doesnāt need protection, just support. And I think theyāre complementary in that way that Namariās friendly but also wonāt sugarcoat things, and I think if she takes an interest in Falin it could go from there and she could develop some understanding of her and idk like an intrigued crushā¦.
Namari wants stability & security & to, like, not be judged and rejected and exiled lol, to find her nest her pack the place where she feels good and wanted in. I think having a fitting partner would help in that (similarly to how the found family with the Flokes seemed to. Oh another parallel, Falinās top priority is protecting Laios her brother and what Namari are a family figure) and I think Falin would fulfill that cozy protection and that warm ābeing seen and not judgedā feeling. But also Namari would run up to her and yell about her trying to sacrifice herself ever.
Another fun thread to explore: post-canon guilt for not having gone to save her. Sure, they werenāt close, but they had some nice memories, didnāt they? Namari cares, and it stings despite herself when it feels like people think she doesnāt. Oh it wasnāt a lost cause after all, oh itād have worked out, oh I could have stayed loyal and it wouldnāt have compromised myself in the end. Wanting to apologize to Falin, or just ahnging out with her and sharing a moment after she wakes up. And tangent but thatās interesting to think aboutā¦ Narratively, I think the purpose of Namari and Toshiro in the story, beyond strenghtening the theme of "seek to understand what is different from you and promote unity despite them" and fleshing the cast and worldbuilding, is Toshiroās purpose was being a foil & tool in Laiosā arc (trouble connecting with people) while Namariās was being and a foil & tool in Marcilleās arc (standing up for ideals without being out of touch with harsh realities and needs). They are the conflict that push our protagonists to growā and they explore different ways of dealing with a situation or topic, different ways of growing into themselves on that end: Laios needing to listen to others more and Toshiro needing to focus on voicing himself more to be able to connect, Marcille needing to learn ideals sometimes cost too much and Namari needing to internalize that ideals are sometimes worth risks (not only to be able to find a reasonable but fulfilling life balance, but also to get in touch with their compassion: Namari restricts her own too much and Marcille is too harsh on people she deems to be breaking values, like Namari not risking her life and career for a friend with no promise of success, or even like how Namari is harsh on Falinās way of doing things : too gentle, too soft, too idealistic) (similarly to Chilchuckās arc with Marcille too, and he also plays a hand in advancing that arc in the Namari chapters). We are getting far from namalin sorry ummm preview for future analyses like Toshiroās contrasting approach to grief and accepting loss.
More post-canon namalin! Thinking about a timeline whereā¦ Namari is fond of Falin finding herself and going off to do her thing. "Finally!" she thinks. If sheās still for hire, maybe Falin would want her to come along, either as guide or bodyguard <3, she knows Namari has a lot of good avice on a lot of things to give, plus theyāve worked together before. She hires Namari and they travel for a bit. Travel would do Namari good too I think, even if her end goal is to settle and I think Falinās would be too eventually. Seeing sights that light her wonder for the world and going places where people donāt know her story, donāt recognize her face or her name. Them, feeling free. Finding a companionship that feels uplifting instead of stifling or charged. Namari having been too in her head about reputation and social games and money that they hit the roads and spend time in nature and itās like, woah. Iāve been living in a small world with made up rules.
Ahh yes romance, Namari and Falin kissing after 3 years of not really knowing each other despite seeing each other every day then 2 months of wanting to spend more and more time together until theyāre an inseparable duo! Workwives. I want them to stand next to each other during campire time and Namari cracks little jokes and Namari laughs. I want Namari to gift Falin a bug caught in amber and for it to be their wedding/promised to each other thing.
TLDR
Rowdy but levelheaded barbarian x gentle healer that will also cave your face in with a mace I like itā¦ā¦ Theyāre an interesting duo of mixed stuff. Protection being your purpose and what youāre worth for, literally being a meat shield (Laios, Tansu), finding your individuality recognized and validated through a growing bond with the other. Sticking around as a love language. Also bug immortalized in amber and it being beautiful.
Nevermind this wasnāt short. Um! Anyways.
#Dunmeshi rarepairs#Namalin#Namari x falin#Falin x namari#Spoilers#Dungeon meshi manga spoilers#Bc of a chapter cover + post-canon talk#Namari#falin touden#Dungeon meshi#delicious in dungeon#Gotta make a namari analysis eventually. Maybe. One day. Tough skinned girl bc sheās been burned and reputation is v important#who cares but caring doesnāt put food on the plate. Whoās an outcast and foreigner and doesnāt have a home to go back to#Itās the hustle life. Idk what it is about the Floke that made her want to stay but thatās why i wanna look at the tansu party eventually#Namarlin ot3 is so good as wellā¦ esp if it focuses on namari#Namari is poly i know it in my heart#Also YES I know thereās 1 namarlin/namalin fic out there i havenāt read it. Yes i will. I just havenāt been reading much lately#Oh on that note -types up new post-#Analysis#character analysis#relationship analysis#meta#Holding my head#Complementary ships with conflict and character arcs i love you#Watch fumiās brain melt live#Fumi rambles#I need to go lay face down on the floor now#This sure is what I was supposed to take away from the canon text!#TAKE IT OFF MY HANDSSS TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME I NEED TO ACTUALLY GO DO CHORES#Namari betting Falin would reject Shuro but going āno comment -looks away-ā when asked whyā¦
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day 9,047 of the dont kill yourself challenge
#my pics#not too long ago was the first day i started to realize the physical toll longtime chronic addiction has taken on my body#not even internally but also on my face like i just feel like i look older than i am#so ive been having a background breakdown about that for awhile#i also got slapped in the face and gaslit hella hard today so. think ill go back to laying face down on the floor now#i know i say this constantly and its annoying but.... i really cant take this anymore dudes!!!!!!
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my sweet little baby man is no longer with us
#he had his bloodwork done yesterday and the vet said it was fine but he doesnt have much time left#and my bestie is a vet tech who wanted to see the lab results bc she always does and she looked at them#and asked me if she can shiw them to her boss today and i was like sure and immediately knew something was up#today keekki was being himself#then i went to run some errands and when i came back he was laying in front of the front door with his tiny baby head against it#and i was like ''oh ok one of his seizures?''#and theyre like. keekki will drool and not move and they usually last for like 20 minutes (several vets have no idea whats up with those#but it was probably either a kidney or a blood pressure thing)#anyways. it did not pass in 20 minutes so i Knew#i laid on the floor next to him#then my bff sent me a message asking me if i have the time to talk about keekki and its not good news#at this point i was about to call the vet anyways#and she was like ''ok i showed these to my boss (a vet) and she got super angry that ur vet even let you leave the clinic''#bc apparently keekkis bloodwork was so bad he should have been put down then and there but my vet was like a fresh half graduate#so i dont hold it against her. anyways i got an euthanasia appointment for this evening and spent the time before it laying on the couch#crying with keekki in my arms#i had to carry him bc he couldnt really walk without stumbling and falling down#when i had to get up to get his carrier and stuff ready he was taking a nap on the couch where i left him and i took this pic#anyways worst vet visit of my life i could hardly even do anything but nod half the time bc speaking results in me sobbing#anyways. this fucking sucks#i dont know how ill be able to sleep tonight#its been years since i last slept at home without having a little guy plop into my arms#i spent a long time with him in the vet room when he was gone#it feels surreal ive given him his last ever forehead kisses#as i left the room i told him bye the exact same way ive been saying bye to him for the last very many years ive had him#its always moikka keekki before i go to work or the store or literally anything#and that was my last moikka keekki#i hope he felt how loved he was#my dad is sending me older pics of me and keekki and he looks so happy in them. hes always right next to me#idk man im going to stop rambling now
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if you live somewhere with a privacy fence and concrete that gets sunlight, highly recommend laying down on it. it's like a floor reset but even better
#if you've never had floor time i highly recommend laying down on your carpet right now#if you're asking why then you clearly have not had enough floor time jdhdjh#you stand up and your entire body is refreshed š#im gonna go do the dishes now (<- about to break his back hunched over the sink)#chat
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first time ever fainting and it happened at 1am when i am home alone and on the other side of the house from my phone. dont especially love that for me!
#PLS DONT WORRY i am fine. i think it was standing up quickly while watching a lifeguard rescue video asdghk#my rescue career nipped in the bud!!#i was in the kitchen having just let puppy outside when my vision started greying out and i became dizzy#i was able to sit down and then lay down on the floor before i actually passed out#i was only out for a few seconds i think but i did actually lose consciousness bc for a moment i didnt know why i was on the floor :|#but it mustve only been a second or two bc puppy was still sniffing me#i broke out in a cold sweat and just laid there for a couple minutes (& puppy laying next to me) and now im completely fine#but that was a bit scary. i gotta say. that's never happened to me before.#ive had some close calls a couple times when getting blood drawn but this was so sudden slghjlskhgj#in the video i was watching they were rescuing a girl with a spinal injury :\ and she was screaming in pain :\#the other rescues in the video were mostly wholesome and then that suddenly happened :\#in case anyone was wondering whether i would be helpful in a medical emergency! pls do not count on me alsdghksdlg#my sisters know this already unfortch#ANYWAY i will not be watching those anymore. im going to watch some baby animal videos or smth now and go to bed
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(guy who desperately needs to go to bed voice) idk why but lying down on the floor sounds really good rn. might fuck around and lay on the ground and do nothing for a bit. dont know why but it's the vibe i think
#the cryptid speaks#i already did some floor time and it was Great and i got a headrush when i sat back up but now laying down is Off Limits unless it's in bed#if i lie down again im not getting back up im going to go snork meemee on the ground next to my bed#i have Studyin to do . and im seized by the hubris of wanting to write#but . oughehgbhf . sleeb..........#(for the record - i Am sleebing soon enough . i have no desire nor will to stay up very long)#(but i cant sleep YET and ohhbh floor time..............)
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#im just kinda mentally on the floor now#am i really gonna have to increase the chapter count#and the best part is! i still cant post ch 4 anytime soon!#because i have NO IDEA what's going on with the pacing right now#which is why i am. probably gonna have to bump the chapter count.#-lays back down on the floor- whyyyyyy#i really should just stop complaining and accept it's gonna happen#im at a good ending point rn anyway.... but i was really determined :(#illuspeaks#ghost marriage au
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Apparently my brain has just decided it's done with everything and has decided it's time for a stay-at-home vacation. Like, it's there but it's not answering any work calls. And I think it's smoking pot but, like, without me which is a weird sensation.
Anyway, what all this means is after 7 days of shit sleep I appear to have gone past exhausted into something that, I imagine, is similar to the way one feels when high. I'm also feeling my personal brand of manic: bad typing (y'all, this post took me so much longer than it should have) and talking too fast, too loud, too much. And I keep feeling I'm opening my eyes too wide but I can't tell of that's actually true or not. And, I don't know of any other way to explain it, but I feel dizzy but without actually being dizzy.
In a weird fucking place today, friends.
#geeky talks#if the fucking dreams that are fucking me so horribly#not nightmares just regular dreams#cause the thing is if i have dreams#i wake up feeling like absolute shit#like exhausted and like someone has used me as a punching bag#fuck i hate dreaming so much#and i don't even remember the dreams#so i don't even have the possibility of funny stories#anyway right now i really want to lay down on the floor#but i'm going to ignore that urge#because it's weird and stupid and why is that something you want to do on your stay-cation brain#why are you like this why do you want to lie on the floor please answer your phone
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i missed another deadline i didnt even know there was one ouough im dying im dyingg
#i never SEE THE MESSAGES from my PROFESSORS#oh im laying down now whatever#i didn't know i had to do it today i thought i could go tomorrow now im dying fuck this fuck thisssss#this is the usual way of how things go for me though#idk why i cant work#OUOUGHHH#KILL#im going to be so horrible this week i already apologize#me crawling on the floor towards my prfo like pleaase please i have adhd but the bitch wouldnt diagnose me pleeaase...
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Mike johnson has so god damn much blood on his hands, obviously Ukrainian blood, but also plenty of American blood
Refusing to renew something that helps vets exposed to atomic blast and Americans who were downwind of the fall out... it's just sick. I can't fucking stand mike johnson, he's one of the worst scum to ever be in congress, and that's fucking saying something
"Johnson refused to allow House members to vote on bipartisan legislation to renew and improve the program"
Fucking quivering little pimple seems to have a real MO for just wringing his hands while insisting it's not his fault, he just can't do the one fucking part of his job of putting shit up to a vote... oh boo hoo, so sad, he'll just have to unilaterally let funding expire on things instead of literally just putting it up to our elected representatives to see if they want to vote yay or nay
Single handedly make the choices but it's not his fault when they work out how they do
Murderer
#I'm sorry; I both genuinely hate the man and will never forgive him; so seeing this just adds more fuel to that fire#and I'm also genuinely pissed to hear that we aren't gonna be bothering to fucking help out people we fucked over#it's fucking sick#listen; I try not to talk politics too much and I try not to tell people how to vote cause it's not really my business#and cause I don't like arguing with people on tumblr; waste of my time#but for all the dems many many many many many fucking flaws; it's shit like this that makes me hate the gop#every last line about sticking up for rural or poor people or whatever is such a fucking lie#god bless our troops... unless it would cost money to compensate them for making them stand near atomic detonations#at every turn I see fucking simple easy decent bipartisan policy shot down but fuckers like johnson; who is the gop at this point#fuck em; can't stand em#go fucking vote if you can in whatever country you're in; try and get a mail in ballot for your sake#I'm still not gonna tell you how to vote but uh... maybe keep in mind when someone's hands are fucking caked in blood#and keep in mind what kind of company people keep in their political party#fucking murder#cause inaction is murder as sure as if he stood their and kept them from getting treatment directly#removing the funding to let these people get cancers and stuff operated on#it's the same as murder#and again; that's not even going back to him personally; like literally it was just him and him alone#holding up aid to Ukraine for months because he refused to put it to the floor#where... oh look... once it was put to the floor it passed just fine (with a fucking tiktok ban added)#(hate that site but I hate government overreach with this kinda shit more)#one of the few people in this world I think I actually truly hate#I'm never gonna fucking stomach the 'he was so brave for holding a vote' shit lie#bullshit; if he had a spine or a soul he would have brought Ukraine aid to the floor before funding ran out#just like if he had a spine or a soul he'd have brought this radiation victim funding to the floor before it ran out#almost like there's a fucking pattern here of him squirming like a pus filled pimple simpering about how he just can't do his job#can't do the one fucking thing he's supposed to do and bring shit to the floor for a vote#I have more opinions on him; but if I said how I really feel right now I think it would get me put on a list#and... sadly just cause of who I am; if I were in a room alone with him I think I'd just lay into him instead of beating his ass#but he's a fucking monster and reading this story just now... I'm almost seeing red with how much it's pissing me off
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hey guys
#vent#just... gimmie a sec im gonna put it in the tags i cant find the readmore on my phone rn#im havin a straight up not good time but not the worst in the house!#the worst is my cat. whose old and dying. and i have no money to put to sleep to fuckin put us both outta this misery#typical. she cant get a heart attack and go fast like my moms dog#shes gotta wail and be ill for a month while im recovering from one surgery and trying to get ready for the next#its also an amazing time for my ocd that i learned i have from artists on hear explaining what it is to send me into spirals#over germs. but shes just 20 with teeth and respiratory issues her whole life and been struggling with constipation#so i KNOW how shes dying. shes backed up and hungry and dehydrated but feeling bloated still and not eating or drinking.#shes probably got arthritis and has been moving like a geriatric for a while but its to the point now she wont even lay down. shes just#perched on a pile of towels in the bathroom dozing and occasionally crying for me to come pet her. im so fuckin tired#and theres nothing i can do! the vet i could find a timeslot for in a reasonable time said 500$. so thats cool. im paying 1000$ for me in#a week for my stuff and its just. god all she and i are doing is crying and it sucks ass#she wants company for comfort and i dont blame her - so the fuck do i!#but i cant sit in the bathroom with her my damn legs keep going numb. and my roomate 1) cant emotionally buoy me thru this#and 2) has a long work day tomorrow and its already mad late. sigh#dont try to offer me condolences ive worked thru her dying already its just now we're botb exhausted in the form its taking#if anything i just need another distraction to keep me from spiraling over something again#edit: ARUGH AND THE OTHER CAT THROWING UP IN THE OTHER ROOM. GOD DAMN IT#the younger one has so many allergies and wont stop fucking eating things off the floor babygirl i am BEDRIDDEN you gotta stop eating shit#off the floor!!!!!!!! you have specialty food for a reason!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#awesome it was right in my bed
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my brain is so dead right now i need 2 eat but i cannot find my mom and theres no food in the house && i am just hoping shes at the store n will bring smthn back
#i tried to go downstairs just to pee and i almost fainted on the stairs i had to lay down o(-<#i blacked out while on the floor for a sec n even just sitting im getting so woozy#who could hav predicted sudden extreme restriction for a week could possibly effect me#but i cannot stop now#very Important things coming#the wedding is this month && i dont want to go i dont want to be seen#i need 2 be small enough ill fade out of existence n no one will be able to perceive me#i realized yesterday our dad might be coming on the plane w us and i want 2 rip my organs out#i dont know how ill handle that i was already so nervous abt the whole thing#it is going to be so much worse than i ever couldve expected#not to mention my phone is broken so ill have 2 raw the experience with nothing to hide myself in
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i am not ok a fucking huge cockroach was on me while i was in my room i caaaant
my cat saved me though. he instantly pounced on it and fucking grabbed it in his mouth and bolted out of my room. he KNEW i wanted it away from me.
#he brought it to the dining room floor to examine it#i screamed so loud my mom woke up lmaoo#i was just laying down on my floor and chilling when cornwallis pounced on my side#i instantly knew it HAD to be a bug cuz the only other time he did that was bc of a moth#i did NOT EXPECT THAT BIG OF A BUG OR FOR IT TO BE SOMETHING THAT WASNT A MOTH#FUUUUCK#im like scared to go to sleep now im paranoid that there will be more#dammit im like#already having a shit time
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pretty sure i have endo becausw holy shit. holy shit. Holy Shit .
#my period starts but the first 2-3 days are so light#then day 3 or 4 all hell breaks loose#and i have this flare-up of such BAD CRAMPING for a few hours???#like it builds when i wake up in the morning then it usually hits around 11 or 12#and it'll peak and i'll be like fucking miserable and every month im like#'you know what. having babies is not worth this. i think i should just get an ablation and be done with this'#ive been sitting on my bathroom floor pverheating and in pain for hours now and i#i think? the peak is over?#idk. my hips randomly started cramping now so im a little scared it's not actually over but ughhhhhhh#but im not overheating anymore so that's good at least#idfk. im tired. but i can't go lay in bed because i keep having to go on the toilet and WALKING MAKES ME CRAMP MOREEE#so. bathroom floor. watching the upside down show on yt as i mentally recover from yet another hellish month š
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new snake :3
#we wont b getting him until we move but i am so excited for him#he's an old boy getting rehomed#baby: beep#(placeholder until we decide if we're keeping his old name)#i need more animals i am going insane. also i think im buying a prettier new house for sprout today from tarantulacribs#so i can use her old house for either a brazillian black or a mexican fire-leg juvenile#lays down on the floor. more ameenals..#i have cindy's old house too (i miss u bb girl u had a good lil jumpin spider life)#i could put another jumper in there OR an arboreal T sling#dear prospective job pls give me the higher paid position so i can support more pets thank u#on a related note if i DO get that position i'm probably going to have permission to start a small herp+invert ambassador animal collection#at the place#i'm literally so fucking excited about that prospect u have no idea#waaaauuuugh#i have a 40 gal waiting for mr beep which is apparently bigger than what he's in now#baby boy i will make u the nicest retirement home in the world#OH DID I MENTION HERE julia got me a t-crib medium coffin shaped#for a black widow :`)#her name is going to be Lady Jacqueline Tern and i'm in love with her already even tho she prob hasnt been born yet#all of this is dependent on getting these jobs and being able to move soon. pls manifest.#i might start a separate pet blog if it all works out
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