#i have to admit my feelings soon
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it's been a really nice week. pretty happy with how everything is turning out, the research paper is actually in it's revision phase, so me and burnet can move forward once that's done! bastion just evolved into a palosand, and he's so cute! he's a bigger guy now, he evolved when i was getting attacked by a wild raticate.
kukui and i have been getting lunch a lot lately, and i've started helping out at the pokemon school with him! it's a good experience to get closer to him and to expand my own horizons! he's also asked me if i'd like to help with the pokemon league, but i had to decline, those days are behind me.
#pkmn irl#pokeblogging#rotomblr#unreality#pokemon blog#pokemon rp#ub research team#alola#how do i confess..#i have to admit my feelings soon
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total drama moment (4/8)
#total drama#noco family au#Package Deal (Noah's Day Off)#total drama noco#total drama noah#total drama cody#total drama raj#total drama wayne#I am so sorry#but then again they ARE babies in this au#and these ARE the same two mfs who both casually admit to taking shits in the outhouse CONFESSIONAL#lil rant about that idk where else I wanna put this but#I really hate that its implied that in tdi23 that the only toilets the contestants were allowed to use were the fucken confessional#like several characters mention it not just Wayne and raj#that was just the first ones that made me have this retched thought in the first place#cuz like#the communal washrooms were RIGHT THERE#like the whole time#and they were really like: nah#lets watch em ave a SHIT#like they had OPTIONS#and they willingly chose the wrong one#like with other seasons like World Tour and Pahkitew Island this implications make SENSE#like the confessional is pretty much the ONLY choice of a toilet they can use in the conditions they're in#but yeah nah fuck all that for this season lol#like as soon as the hockey bros arrived on the island they were like#yeah sometimes me and my buddy like to go to the confessional outhouse so we can take a shit while staring directly into the live camera#just to feel something yknow?
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I’m finally biting the bullet and contacting a therapist today after being ambivalent ab it for so long… this hellsite has its many disadvantages but one thing I can say is it has truly helped me be less scared of pursuing therapy. Silver lining etc etc
#And to be clear I have nothing against therapy. I’ve seen it do wonders for other people#I think the reason it’s a point of defeat (just a little) for me to be like ok. I need a therapist. Is bc I’m admitting to myself that I#need one to begin w. And I get it’s not healthy but I always liked to think I could handle anything by myself#That was even the whole point of this blog. It was supposed to serve as a conduit for these feelings#And I’m not saying I don’t have a support system. I do. I have many wonderful friends#But I struggle to be vulnerable at all tbh and whenever I am I’m guilty ab it bc#I understand so many people have busy lives & I feel like an emotional burden on them by venting#Despite them telling me that it’s totally fine. Obvi a therapist is literally paid to listen so no guilt there#And I think that’s what I need#I’m not like on the brink of a psychotic break or anything but it’s just little things. I think it’d be nice to sit in someone’s office for#One hour a week and just go. That did bother me actually. I am tired actually. I do feel that way actually.#Rather than just burying my feelings w school and a busy schedule#I don’t think therapy will make me any less of a workaholic anytime soon but it’ll at least allow me to slow down one hour a week#And also not bottle shit up so fuckin much#But ya all of this is to say I’m drafting the email to her RIGHT now .#Starting the day off strong by oversharing on tumblr dot com
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not to get too mushy on main, but when I was feeling really low after the election, I admitted to my mother that I've been really sick and in pain lately and the housework has gotten away from me and that's part of why I feel so overwhelmed.
that was less than a week ago, and already three family friends have offered to come help me clean out my house. because they love me.
idk, when you're disabled and you have depression, it's very easy to feel like you're worthless and no one would ever want to put up with the shitty, awful parts of being around you. seeing people volunteer to do that feels nice.
#I'll admit that I'm a little teary anyway because I'm hormonal and I've been writing my blorbos but like#it's really nice to feel loved#just me#that said I am gonna have to stop writing soon bc my eyes are being bad and I can't see clearly RIP#I'll have to go take my allergy medicine and put some eye drops in#my eyes have been one of the main victims of the new MCAS symptoms and I'm still not great at catching it before the problem becomes bad#the doctor said she could see hives under my eyelids womp womp
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so I have already been pretty quiet on here recently but uh. i kind of genuinely need to take a step back from sexual stuff for a while - nothing happened, i just think it is maybe a bit unhealthy how much of my time is taken up by Being Horny and Getting Off. like as much as those r both normal I do them too often, like. genuinely. idk when I’ll start being active again but thank u for understanding
#dm responses included in this unfortunately#like look I respect the naturalness of horniness and such. But holy shit#I’m genuinely spending multiple hrs a day. nearly every single day. just getting off.#like that’s not healthy for me#and if I admit it on here it will make it feel a little more like I actually have to commit lol#bc i was saying this this morning. and then spent multiple hours today getting off.#puppybarks#sorry for the vent in the tags im just. really frustrated w myself#and w my relationship w sex/pleasure atm#hoping I will feel better soon
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"It is too easy to dismiss [Leonor of Navarre] as an overambitious schemer who would do anything to obtain a crown, shedding the blood of her own siblings and her subjects in order to attain the throne. However, a deeper investigation of her long lieutenancy and ephemeral reign shows a woman who fought tenaciously to preserve her place but also worked tirelessly to administer a realm which was crippled by internal conflict and the center of the political schemes of France, Aragon, and Castile. She tried to broker peace, fight off those who opposed her, repair the wounds caused by conflict, protect the sovereignty of the realm, and keep the wheels of governance turning. Leonor was not always successful in achieving all of these aims but given the background of conflict and the lack of cooperation she received from all of her family members, bar her loyal husband, it is a huge achievement that she survived to wear the crown at all. Many writers have argued that Leonor deserved the troubled lieutenancy, personal tragedies, an ephemeral reign, and a blackened reputation, basing their assumption that she committed a crime that cannot be [conclusively] proven. However, a more fitting description of her would be that of a resolute ruler who successfully overcame a multitude of challenges in order to survive in a difficult political landscape and gain a hard-fought throne.”
-Elena Woodacre, "Leonor of Navarre: The Price of Ambition", Queenship, Gender and Reputation in the Medieval and Early Modern West, 1060-1600 (Edited by Zita Eva Rohr and Lisa Benz)
#historicwomendaily#leonor of navarre#15th century#Navarrese history#my post#I mean...the crime can't be explicitly 'proven' but Leonor DID have the means motive and opportunity; she had the most to gain;#the timing was incredibly convenient for her; and most contemporaries believed she was responsible.#She *did* ultimately act against her brother [Carlos] and sister [Blanca]#Though of course the fact remains that:#1) The final responsibility lies with Juan the Faithless: he was the King; the one in power; and the one who rejected Navarre's succession#Blanca herself - while criticizing Leonor and Gaston - placed the ultimate blame on their father as her 'principal...destructor'#All three siblings were reacting to an unconventional disruption in the system caused by Juan & their actions should be judged accordingly.#2) I am hesitant to believe accusations of 'poison' as a cause of murder given how that was commonly used to slander controversial women#and given how it contributed to the dichotomy of Blanca as a tragic beautiful heroine and Leonor as her scheming ambitious sister#3) Even if Leonor DID commit the crime (imo she was at the very least complicit in it) she is still worthy of a reassessment.#I don't think it's fair for it to define her entire identity#Because it certainly did not define her life - she lived for decades before and would live for decades after#It was on the whole one of the many series of obstacles and challenges she had to face before she succeeded in ascending the throne.#The fact that she died so soon after IS ironic but it is in equal parts tragic. And we don't know what Leonor herself felt about it:#Did she think it was a hollow victory? Or did she feel nothing but satisfaction that she died as the Queen of Navarre? We'll never know.#Whatever the case: given her circumstances the fact that she survived to wear the crown itself was an achievement#It's funny because Woodacre parallels Leonor to Richard III in terms of 'blackened' reputations for 'unproven' (...sure) crimes#(thankfully she admits Richard has been long-rehabilitated; what she doesn't bring herself to admit is that he's now over-glorified)#But I don't think this parallel works at all for the exact reasons she uses to try and reassess Leonor#Namely: Richard was the one in power. He was the King. The ultimate blame for what happened to his nephews was his own.#and moreover: Richard's actions against the Princes DID define his reign and were exactly what provoked opposition to his rule.#Any so-called 'rehabilitation' that doesn't recognize and emphasize this is worthless#also if we want to get specific: the Princes were literal children who did nothing and were deposed in times of peace.#Carlos and Blanca were adults with agency and armies and Leonor's actions against them took place in the middle of a civil war#So ultimately I think Leonor's case is fundamentally very different and I don't think her comparison holds well at all
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Oh boy! :D I can't wait to look through my f/os tag!
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#pan rambles#I have my fair share of Canon x Canon ships of my f/os that I don't like I will admit#Usually it's just dislike and I'll leave it alone#but if y'all will give me the opportunity to be a hater just this once...#I can't stand S/hizaya (aka S/hizuo and I//zaya) It's one of the few ships I completely hate#There's those ships that I get Sick and Tired of seeing bc it's Everywhere#S/hizaya is that but like. 10x worse. And the ship isn't even that good or healthy for the both of them#I hate that ship sm I'm so sorry </3 (except not that sorry)#It's so funny-akfsnfks#As soon as I start feeling comfortable thinking about S.hizuo again#(Long story short I had some negative associations with the series/some characters ((especially I.zaya)) for a while)#I finally built up the courage to look through S.hizuo's tag and boom! Psychic Damage!!#Negative#←Just in case since I kinda went off on a rant there-afksnfkdn#Thank you for letting me be a hater just this once-
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so has anyone talking about this yet, or... cuz it was in that latest news video on the amazing digital circus. and uh... i took a screenshot of it.
#the amazing digital circus#does this mean something? does it mean nothing? does it just look cool? we'll find out eventually... just not today :3#keep in mind i am also very sleepy today specifically#i had to make sure i recorded a show for me mother and there's been. SO MUCH STUFF TODAY. WHAT.#so it has been an exhaustingly exciting day for me in particular#i feel like this might turn out to be a recording of a character's voice opposed to THIS being an actual character#i might be wrong though. i'm always willing to admit i'm wrong#anyway it's too soon to really say anything! so for now let's wait patiently and hang out! :D#also caine was weirdly adorable in that video what the hell#OH MY GOD. AUTOPLAY WAS ON DESPITE ME HAVING A SPECIFIC SONG ON LOOP AND NOW I'M LISTENING TO DIGITAL HALLUCINATION#HELP (joking tone)
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Really feeling that post abt how yearning and loneliness is great until you're curled up on your bed whimpering at the ache in your chest like a wounded dog. are we cooked chat.
#in the words of dad rock icons shinedown: ITS 4AM AND I CANT SLEEP#why am i haunted by things. things of the past and of the present#is it missing people who stopped thinking about me long before i stopped thinking about them?#who in the daylight hours i can disdain and scoff at but at night i can admit i miss the ease with which we once existed?#i wonder how they're doing now. i see their updates from a distance things i would have once celebrated alongside them#im happy for them. it shadows me. im happy i know theyre well. i wish i never heard of it#or is it the overthinking of the now? is it because of the past?#is everyone doomed to be ghosts. is there beauty in that#is it anxiety to feel so out of place in places and people that felt. feel. like home#do i know what home is meant to feel like? to miss? i suppose ill find out soon.#is it just because of the fact its 4am? is this just the fact i havent eaten much recently. am i not exercising enough or drinking enough.#how can i stop the loneliness that never seems to go away before i become a ghost haunting my own life#OR is it all just bc i read a really bittersweet and haunting fanfic that ruined me#haha gotcha im actually big chillin and sad abt fictional lil guys (said very unconvincingly)
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Small drawing collection of my latest creation Emran as a teenager/freshly minted Air Acolyte, for my dear partner in unhinged OC shenanigans @katkastrofa, as promised <3
#my art#artists on tumblr#the legend of korra#original character#I need to figure out a way to tag these guys#like with renny and dori I just put sotrl in front of their names and that works#but emran is technically an LaF character. though not uniquely tied to that verse. and idk what to do with Ila and Alasie#maybe I need to have some unique oc tag or smth. I’ll figure it out#if you’re wondering why I stayed up until half past 7 a.m to draw this it’s because I needed some way to cool down#after the kuviren smut absolutely broke my brain#and what better way to do that than by drawing my sweet baby boy?#yes lmao he went from baby girl to baby boy in like 24 hours. fucking sue me#but actually. actually!! they’re both. they contain multitudes :)#they probably haven’t even realised that at this point and are still in disguise#convinced that she’ll be punished for her deceit if anyone found out that she’s actually a girl#(okay off topic but the switching pronouns are really fun lmao)#but give them time. they’ll figure it out soon enough. in these pieces they’re slowly getting used to temple life#and that is the first step to self acceptance#I’m actually extremely proud of these. especially the one with the apple basket. I feel like the androgynous vibes are really there#and he looks like his brother the most in it#but the others are fun too. I loved doing the portrait. I should do them more often#and.. I will admit. I traced the lemur. I can barely draw people okay how do you expect me to draw animals#but I just think that Aiza would really love a little lemur friend#animals don’t judge and she doesn’t have to watch herself around them. she can just be. plus the lemurs are really cute <3#I want to eventually do a companion to this with Aiza instead. maybe from back before she ran away#probably something based on reflection from Mulan too bc the vibes are there. though.. to be completely honest#I’d say they have a lot more of Shurochka Azarova’s vibes than Mulan. but that’s just my love for Soviet cinema taking over#it’s essentially if mulan fought napoleon instead. and when discovered instead of left to die they promoted her to lieutenant 😁#I realise the comparison is completely incomprehensible to everyone but me but.. go watch the hussar ballad. it’s free on YouTube with subs#okay enough rambling. i shall now go to bed. @ Kat I hope this brightens up your morning at least somewhat. I love you!!
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Good to see you again ♥ (Patreon)
Bonus:
#Doodles#SCII#Damned#ZEX#DAX#Look. I know I cry at everything so of course I cried to this but what else was I meant to do#The heart-wrenching perfection of ''I'd recognize you anywhere'' like Excuse ;;;;♥ I cannot recover <3 <3#Ahem Anyway lol#This was genuinely like - the best and funnest <3 I love ZEX and DAX's dynamic So Incredibly Much so seeing them interact is just fdsjkld 💖#My notes - exploded lol#Previously for my liveblogging I would write like one bullet per page and some were quite long! Had a lot to go over and think about!#Is it embarrassing to admit? Oh go on then - I made a new bullet for every exchange because I had So Much to fdsalfd about lol#Some of them were short! And plenty was padded with keysmashes and emoticons lol#I just have a lot of thoughts and feelings about them they're wonderful <3 <3#ZEX is so mean and I love him terribly ♥♪#Messing with DAX for funsies! Ah! What a cruel Admiral he is <3#It only made the reveal all the sweeter honestly - True Honest delayed gratification I Get It Now <3#And the way they were both reaching for each other once it was confirmed just pulling in and in and in! Can't get close enough! Ah#This scene was so lovely <3#If I can swing it in a timely fashion (lol) I have a digital piece planned for it as well because it was just so fun hehe ♪#Just something simple and I still managed to make it too big pfft#Soon soon! Hopefully! <3
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I think the reason people are really excited and very much waiting for the kidnapping tag is because we looooove protective Yohan (as seen in It Is Mine To Avenge which was beyond perfect so thank you for quenching our thirst lol).
That being said, I am a little worried about the minor character death; because in my mind it could be anyone except the Kangs and Gaon, which is good obviously, but now that we know the characters better I feel a certain connection to all of them and if anyone of them died, I wouldn't be devastated per say but I know you are going to write it in a way that would hit.
Of course, I am not saying that you shouldn't do what you planned on doing from the beginning, we all read the tags and know what we are in for, but it will still make me sad (as if we weren't sad for the majority of this fic lol) even if I know it is coming.
I can understand that since protective Yo Han is very interesting — otherwise I wouldn't have written It Is Mine to Avenge — but I guess it's just a little... worrying? Because I'm not sure if what I have planned will feel quite as satisfying as some people seem to be hoping for? Not to mention that it's still so far away? And this isn't the first time someone has asked me when it will happen or how long they'll have to wait before it shows up. I guess it's just stressing me out to have people ask for something I know won't be happening anytime soon x'D
It's a bit like having a couple of kids in the backseat continuously asking "Are we there yet?" and knowing we're nowhere close.
(Tbh I had hoped that It Is Mine to Avenge would distract people a little and not make them fixate so much on the kidnapping tag on Who Holds the Devil, but it seems like the opposite happened. Now people are pushing for it even more in Who Holds the Devil, except it's not like I can rearrange my entire timeline to make it happen sooner?)
That's fair. And I can't lie and say that the minor character death tag isn't there for a reason — some people are going to die. The question is just who. And under what circumstances. Which I obviously can't tell you since that would be spoilers :P
But, that said, it's not a choice I made lightly. Like, even killing off villains should only be done after careful consideration, and especially the way they die. Sun Ah is a good example of that, I think. She knew she was going to die — since she didn't doubt that Yo Han would blow up that room, even with himself in it — and then she'd rather shoot herself. There's obvious thought involved in that choice and I think it's important to give characters that dignity, even when they're villains.
But yes, I will carry on with my plans. In all honesty, it's very, very difficult to make me change my mind when it comes to certain plot points and this is one of them. Not to mention that it's far too late to start changing things in the major plotlines of this fic x'D
Also, I promise that there will be a lot of happiness in the fic, too! Once Yo Han and Ga On actually get together, they'll be disgustingly cute. And still have issues and things they have to address, sure, but I am going to cram so much domestic fluff in this fic, you have no idea. Just fucking watch me.
So just hang in there! We'll get to the happier bits eventually!
#Amethystina Replies#Anonymous#Who Holds the Devil#Make no mistake#I love that people are so excited#But it's a little... disheartening when it's such a specific thing?#That's not going to be all that big in the grand scheme of things?#And is still so far away?#I admit it sometimes feels like we won't be getting there anywhere near fast enough for my readers#And that they might lose interest because of it#To the point where I've honestly had moments when I've considered removing the tag#Because it's ALWAYS the kidnapping tag#And I ALWAYS have to try and explain that it's not happening anytime soon#And please don't expect too much#Sometimes I get as many questions about the kidnapping tag as when I'm going to update next#And I guess that's just a bit exhausting
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#cw vent#maybe i stayed up too late but suddenly i feel like crying#like really badly#i tried very hard today#but im still so scared#of everything#im being watched. i am absolutely sure im being watched#i can feel somebodys presence over my shoulder now and they can probably read what im typing#its been like this for so long#and#as im typing this it has been the sixteenth of juky for about two hours#twenty two hours left until my birthday#i will be sixteen#that is scaring me so much#i haven't progressed since i was maybe eleven#i still can't take care of mysekf. i shouldn't ve admitting to this but i genuinely can't do basic actions#i constantly forget to keep my body in a safe state. my hair is so messy. i get tok focused on other stuff and most of the time i just#forget to shower#i am genuinely so disgusting and unhygienic. i know this and want to fix it#but also.. i just wish i was like just an internet person#if i didn't have to eat or maintain my body i think id be a much happier person#im scared#how can i possibly be turning 16. i haven't even learnt how to eat food yet#most meals i can't eat without gagging or feeling like vomiting#i don't know why im typing all this out#for a while i was okay with it being my birthday soon. because i thought i would finally get attention and love from others#but im starting to realise that probably will not be happening#:[#why am i typing this out. my head hurts#and im gonna die
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but if I say 'kaiser would rather continue the cycle of abuse than get therapy' I'd be jumped so I won't say that someone else said that not me tho
#linny talks#sometimes i forget how off the walk fucking bonkers blue lock is#*wall#then im reminded#like what do you mean kaiser beat up police officers in cuffs with a soccer ball#and the president of fifa showed up to recruit him while he was in jail?#also the cops had guns but didnt shoot? thats craaaaazyyyyy#had the power of ⚪️ on his side there#jokes aside tho def a pet peeve of mine that as soon as a shithead character revealed to have sad backstory#hes suddenly absolved of all wrong doing in the eyes of fandom#like he can still be bad while also having had bad stuff happen to him#in fact thats the case for a lot of bad people#i wrote a whole google doc trying to get my thots and feelings out on the matter#i dont participate in 'fandom' much at all ever#especially not popular stuff so its been a bizarre experience seeing how other people like... interpret things (delusional)#dont get me wrong i like kaiser and i figured his backstory was fucked#but ive seen a lot of people like allergic to admitting hes abusive its strange#youre allowed to like him still?#anyways lmao this manga is so over the top#hope gagamaru is doing well
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i loved that sketch from last night so much i went back yet again and made a final version.... this is the last one i promise. i wuv him i wuv him i wuv him kissy kissy kissy
#thank you for the attention on the sketches from last night you guys i really appreciate it. 🥹#i feel like soon i might be able to try drawing digitally again.#just making sketches that i like is fulfilling on its own though i have to admit haha.#txt#my art
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Welcome to „The High Republic“, where everybody is traumatized :D
I couldn’t put everyone on that chart, but we all can clearly see the average trauma
Also if someone has suggestions/ criticism, I’ll gladly take it :)
…
#im too tired to draw#so meme instead it is#i could go into detail about why I chose to put who where#this is a weird sentence#English isn’t my mother language#anyways i feel Orla already almost started therapy with elzar#we saw sskeer doing his mental self journey#bell is just one of the writers punchbags#and the firebrands are pretty clear too#tho i do have to say I had some struggle with elzar and avar#you could switch them and it would probably still work#i do think I solved it well#elzar wouldn’t even admit he needs therapy#and avar is such a burned out gifted (and probably neurodivergent) kid#that girls head is fucked up im telling y’all#Phase 3 is soon so we’re probably gonna see her kill lourna#slay#i cant fucking wait#the high republic#elzar mann#avar kriss#stellan gios#keeve trennis#vernestra rwoh#bell zettifar#sskeer#orla jareni#estala maru#(how does he not have a tag?)#:(
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