#i have the math skills of an 8 year old genuinely
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I might have dyscalculia 😭 I'm already dyslexic why both of them
#well it would explain how i can't understand numbers#like anything above 20 i start shaking trying to pretend i can count#yessssss im a regular 17 year old who can definitely tell you what the time is or how much that bagel costs....#totally not freaking out in my head knowing im about to say the wrong number#explains the years of my dad getting gray hairs over helping me w my math homework#i have the math skills of an 8 year old genuinely
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Finding Home Again: Part One
Summary: Y/N meets Spencer Reid when she is 11-years-old, her older brother, Adam, is his classmate and friend. They reconnect at Adam's wedding.
Pairing: Spencer Reid x fem!reader
Category: fluff, angst, one bed trope
Warnings/Includes: mild bullying, name calling, bisexual spencer reid (it's canon to me), wedding activities, swimming in underwear, alcohol consumption, reader wears a dress, suggestive content (16+), commitment issues, emotionally unavailable parents, bad relationship with parents, confrontation
Word count: 12.4k
a/n: part two is here!!
main masterlist
Spencer Reid was a terrified 8-year-old freshman in high school. As he navigated the crowded hallways, his small frame was easily overlooked, but his presence still drew strange looks and whispered comments. He felt extremely uncomfortable and out of place, his heart pounding with every step. By the end of the day, he still hadn't had a single student offer any help or kindness to him.
His last class of the day was Algebra 2, and he felt a flicker of hope. Math had always been his sanctuary, a place where numbers and equations made sense when nothing else did. When he walked into the classroom, he noticed that there was assigned seating. Relief washed over him; at least he wouldn't have to struggle to find somewhere to sit.
As everyone got settled in, Spencer found his assigned seat next to a tall, friendly-looking boy. Before he had a chance to take out his notebook, the boy turned to him and smiled warmly.
"I'm Adam," he said, extending his hand for a handshake.
Spencer looked at the hand and then back up at Adam, feeling a wave of anxiety. "Hi, I'm Spencer, and I don't shake hands," he replied, his voice barely above a whisper.
Adam laughed, not in a mean way, but with genuine amusement. "Hi, Spencer who doesn't shake hands. It's nice to meet you."
Spencer felt a small smile tug at the corners of his mouth. For the first time that day, he felt a glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, high school wouldn't be so bad after all.
—
Y/N had spent the past few years immersed in the bustling streets and rich culture of Paris, attending a prestigious boarding school that promised to refine her language skills and broaden her horizons. Yet, despite the allure of the City of Light, she often felt the sting of loneliness, her parents' distance echoing even across the ocean. Now, at age 11, she was returning home a month earlier than the American school year ended, her heart a mix of exhaustion and anticipation.
As the chauffeur-driven car pulled up to the grand but cold mansion in the suburbs of Las Vegas, Y/N's heart sank. She had hoped, perhaps foolishly, that her parents would be there to greet her. Instead, the familiar figure of their chauffeur, Robert, was the one to open the car door.
"Welcome home, Miss Y/N," he said with a polite smile.
She forced a smile in return, hiding her disappointment. "Thank you, Robert."
Dragging her feet along the paved path, she entered the house, its opulence doing little to warm the cold emptiness she felt. She made her way to the living room, hoping to find solace in the familiarity of home, but instead, she was met with the unexpected sight of her brother, Adam, and a group of his friends, hunched over textbooks and notebooks.
"Hey, Y/N!" Adam greeted her with a grin, looking up from his textbook. "Welcome back!"
"Hi," she replied, her voice flat. She was too tired and too upset to muster any enthusiasm. Her eyes scanned the room, seeing the familiar faces of her brother's friends that she’d seen in pictures he’d sent. When her eyes finally landed on a boy who was clearly much younger than the rest, with tousled brown hair and a slightly awkward demeanor. He looked up, meeting her gaze with a mixture of curiosity and shyness.
“Who are you?” Y/N hadn’t meant to be rude, she was just slightly shocked to see someone her own age among the older boys.
"This is Spencer," Adam introduced, gesturing to the boy. "Spencer, this is my sister, Y/N. She just got back from Paris."
"Hi," Spencer said softly, offering a small, tentative smile.
"Hi," Y/N replied, her frustration momentarily forgotten as she took in the boy who seemed as out of place in their luxurious home as she felt. "Nice to meet you."
"Sorry we're invading the living room," Adam said, noticing her weariness. "We're just cramming for finals. Spencer here is a genius when it comes to math and science, so he's been helping us out."
Y/N nodded, her exhaustion catching up with her. "It's fine. I just need to rest, so please, no screaming about fractions."
She turned to head upstairs, her feet thudding against each step as she climbed. She couldn't help but feel a pang of envy towards the study group, wishing she had that kind of camaraderie during her time in Paris. They didn’t take well to American’s, no matter how long she was there nor how fluent she spoke. But more than anything, she wished her parents had cared enough to be there when she came home.
—
The summer before his senior year stretched out long and hot, with the air thick with the scent of freshly cut grass and the hum of cicadas. Adam, now balancing a job cleaning pools and the pressures of preparing for SATs, ACTs, and college applications, found his days filled to the brim. He wasn't working for the money; his parents' wealth ensured he never had to worry about that. But he wanted to break free from the golden cage, to carve out a future where he wasn’t reliant on his parents.
Y/N watched from the sidelines as her brother’s schedule became increasingly packed. She missed the days when they would goof around together, but understood that Adam had his own life to lead. Meanwhile, Spencer Reid found himself spending more and more time with Adam. Spencer wasn't old enough to work yet, but his days were equally busy with preparations for the same academic hurdles.
One hot afternoon, Adam and Spencer were sitting on the back porch, textbooks and notes spread out between them. Adam was explaining a particularly tricky math problem, his hair falling into his eyes as he spoke. Spencer listened intently, his eyes occasionally flicking up to Adam's face, a subtle admiration in his gaze.
"Got it?" Adam asked, looking over at Spencer with a friendly smile.
Spencer nodded, a slight blush coloring his cheeks. "Yeah, thanks. You're really good at explaining things."
Adam laughed lightly, clapping Spencer on the back. "No problem, buddy. We make a good team, huh?"
Spencer's heart skipped a beat at the casual touch, his mind racing with unspoken feelings. "Yeah, we do."
Their interactions were always like this—simple, friendly, but with an undercurrent of something more for Spencer. He couldn't help the crush that had developed, even though he knew it was impossible. Adam was older, focused on his future, and saw Spencer as a friend, maybe even a little brother.
One day, as they were packing up their study materials, Adam glanced over at Spencer. "Hey, thanks for helping me stay on track this summer. I know I’ve been busy, but it’s been cool hanging out with you."
Spencer smiled, the words warming his heart. "It's been cool for me too. I’ve learned a lot."
"You're gonna ace those tests, no doubt," Adam said with a confident grin. "And who knows, maybe we'll end up at the same college."
Spencer's eyes lit up at the thought, but he quickly tempered his excitement, not wanting to seem too eager. "Yeah, that would be great."
As Adam slung his bag over his shoulder and headed inside, Spencer lingered on the porch for a moment, watching him go. He knew his feelings for Adam would likely never be reciprocated, but he cherished these moments of closeness, however fleeting they might be.
Y/N observed all this from her bedroom window, a quiet observer to the crush Spencer clearly had on her older brother. She felt the green monster of jealousy coil up inside of her. Why doesn’t Spencer look at her like that? Is she not as smart as Adam? Not as funny? Maybe he only likes older people.
One particularly warm day, Spencer was over to help Adam revise an application essay. They were hanging out by the pool, both to Spencer's excitement and frustration. He didn't want to take his shirt off in front of Adam; he was so scrawny compared to the man Adam was becoming. He didn't even have hair under his arms yet! Spencer found himself getting worked up over the muscle Adam had put on while cleaning pools, feeling increasingly self-conscious.
"Hey, I'm going to grab some lemonade," Spencer said, trying to keep his voice steady as he got up from his lounge chair.
Adam looked up from his notes and nodded. "Sure thing, grab some for me too, will ya?"
Spencer nodded and walked briskly into the house, his thoughts a whirl of admiration and insecurity. As he poured himself a glass of lemonade, having kindly turned down the offer from one of the kitchen staff to do it for him, Y/N walked into the kitchen in a swimsuit. She knew what she was doing; she wanted to see if Spencer would look at her like he did her brother.
"Hi, Spencer," she greeted, her voice casual but her eyes searching.
Spencer almost dropped the pitcher, startled by her sudden appearance. "H-hi, Y/N..."
"How’s it going? Is it hot out there?" she asked, leaning against the counter with an air of nonchalance.
"Mhm, it's hot and, uh, yeah, good. You?" Spencer stammered, trying to keep his eyes on her face and not let them wander. Stupid hormones.
"I'm good, bored. Think I'm gonna go for a swim," Y/N replied, giving him a pointed look.
Spencer swallowed hard, feeling his face heat up. "Oh, cool. Swimming sounds nice."
Y/N nodded. "You should join me sometime. It’s a good way to cool off, especially on days like this."
"I, uh, maybe," Spencer managed, his voice cracking slightly.
She smiled at him. "Well, I'll be out there if you change your mind."
With that, she turned and walked out towards the pool, leaving Spencer standing there, his heart racing. He couldn't help but feel a confusing mix of emotions. He liked Y/N; she was kind and funny in her own way. But his feelings for Adam were something different, something he couldn't quite understand or control.
As he walked back outside with the lemonade, he caught sight of Y/N cannonballing into the pool. Adam looked up and waved Spencer over, oblivious to the tension Spencer was feeling.
"Thanks, man," Adam said, taking the glass from Spencer. "You should take a dip too. Y/N's got the right idea; it's a great way to beat the heat."
Spencer nodded, trying to smile. "Maybe later."
He sat back down, trying to focus on the essay in front of him, but his mind kept wandering. He glanced over at Y/N, who was swimming leisurely, and then at Adam, who was scribbling notes in the margin of his paper. Spencer felt like he was caught in the middle of something he didn't quite understand, struggling to find his place in the dynamics of this family that had become so important to him.
—
The day of Adam's graduation was filled with a whirlwind of emotions. Adam, ever the unexpected, had committed to Florida State, a decision that had shocked and horrified many. Spencer could hardly believe it when he heard the news. Florida State, a school notorious for its party culture, seemed an odd choice for someone who had always been so focused on academics. But Adam was a party boy through and through, and now, with the immense college fund his parents had set up for him, he had the freedom to choose his own path.
That night, Adam's family mansion was abuzz with a grand celebration party. The opulent rooms were filled with friends, family, and well-wishers, all toasting to Adam's future. Spencer, though trying to be happy for his friend, felt a gnawing sense of sadness and anxiety. Graduating at only 12-years-old and moving away to college meant leaving behind the only family that had ever felt like his.
As the party continued, Spencer found himself feeling more and more overwhelmed. Seeking solace, he looked around for Y/N. He found her standing by the grand staircase, looking as though she was taking a brief respite from the festivities.
"Y/N," he called softly, and she turned to him, her eyes filled with concern at his slightly panicked appearance.
"Hey, Spencer," she said gently, sensing his turmoil. "Do you want to go outside?"
Spencer nodded, grateful for her intuition. She led him out of the mansion and into the expansive garden. The night air was cool and soothing, and the garden was a haven of tranquility away from the noise of the party. They walked in silence for a while, the stars twinkling above them like scattered diamonds.
Y/N finally stopped at a secluded spot, a bench under a large oak tree. She sat down and patted the space next to her. Spencer joined her, taking a deep breath as he looked up at the sky.
"I can't believe he's going to Florida State," Spencer said, his voice tinged with disbelief and a hint of sadness.
Y/N nodded. "Yeah, it's a surprise, but it's his choice. He’s an adult now."
Spencer sighed. "I know. It's just... I'm going to miss him. And you. This place feels like home, and now I'm leaving."
Y/N placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. "We'll miss you too, Spencer. But you'll do amazing things, I know it. You've always been great."
He looked at her, his eyes searching hers for reassurance. "It's just... scary, you know? Moving away, being on my own. What if I don't fit in?"
Y/N smiled warmly. "You will. You always do."
They sat in comfortable silence, gazing up at the stars. The night was calm, the garden a peaceful contrast to the lively celebration inside. Spencer felt a sense of peace wash over him, comforted by Y/N's presence and her words.
"Thank you," he said softly, looking over at her. "For being here. For understanding."
Y/N squeezed his shoulder gently. "I’ll always be here for you, Spencer."
As they sat together, the weight of the impending changes felt a little lighter. The stars above seemed to shine a bit brighter, and for the first time that night, Spencer felt a glimmer of hope for the future.
—
24 years old now, Spencer Reid hadn't thought about Adam in years, but when the invitation arrived in the mail, it brought back a flood of memories. He held the ornate envelope in his hands, his heart pounding with a mix of nostalgia and nerves. The invitation was to Adam's wedding, an event that promised to reunite old friends and acquaintances. Spencer couldn't help but feel a sense of obligation to attend. Adam had always been kind to him during those tumultuous high school years.
Despite his apprehension, Spencer decided to go. He meticulously planned his trip, ensuring he had everything he needed to make a good impression. The journey to the wedding venue in Napa Valley, California was a blur of anxious thoughts and memories of the past. As he arrived at the grand hotel where the event was being held, he felt a knot of nerves tightening in his stomach.
Meanwhile, Y/N was also preparing for the wedding. She couldn't help but feel excitement and trepidation at the thought of seeing Spencer again, Adam informed her that he had RSVP’d yes. She had always harbored a silly little crush on him, one that had persisted through the years despite their long separation. The idea of seeing him again, older and perhaps changed, was both thrilling and nerve-wracking.
The wedding weekend began with a flurry of activities. The hotel was abuzz with guests arriving, mingling, and catching up. Spencer found himself lost in the crowd, his nerves making it difficult to relax. As he checked in at the front desk, the receptionist handed him a key card with a polite smile.
"Here you go, Dr. Reid. Room 212," she said.
Spencer thanked her and made his way to the elevator, his mind racing with thoughts of what the weekend could entail. He arrived at the door to his room and swiped the key card. As he pushed the door open, he was met with an unexpected sight.
Y/N was standing in the middle of the room, her back to him as she attempted to pull up the zipper of her dress. Upon hearing the door open, she spun around with a scream, holding the dress to her chest.
“What the fuck!” she exclaimed, her eyes wide with shock.
“I’m so sorry!” Spencer stammered, equally startled.
“Spencer?” she said, her expression shifting from surprise to recognition.
“Y/N?” he replied, still trying to process what was happening.
“What the hell are you doing?” she demanded, still clutching the dress to her chest.
“I don’t know, this is the room I was told I'm staying in. My key opened the door…” he explained, holding up the key card as if it could somehow explain everything.
“Shit. Okay. Something must have gotten messed up. I'll check it out as soon as I'm dressed,” Y/N said, her tone calming slightly.
“Okay. Yeah. I’ll just leave you be,” Spencer said, starting to back out of the room.
“Actually… Spencer, could you help me with the zipper?” Y/N asked, her voice softer and a bit embarrassed.
Spencer paused, his face flushing. “Uh, sure. Of course.”
He stepped back into the room, closing the door behind him. Y/N turned around, holding her hair up to give him access to the zipper. His hands trembled slightly as he grasped the zipper, carefully pulling it up the back of her dress.
“Thank you,” she said softly once he had finished.
“No problem,” Spencer replied, stepping back and trying to keep his eyes respectfully averted.
She sighed, shaking her head. “Well, let’s go sort this out. Maybe the front desk can figure out what happened.”
As they left the room together, Spencer couldn’t help but feel a strange mix of awkwardness and nostalgia. Despite the initial shock, there was something oddly comforting about being in Y/N’s presence again.
—
"So you're saying every single room in the entire hotel is booked? How is that even possible?” Y/N asked, her frustration evident.
“Well, miss, your wedding party is not the only group staying here. It is a very popular vineyard, especially at this time of year,” the receptionist explained calmly.
“So what you’re saying is we have to share this room?” Y/N pressed, trying to find a solution.
“You could stay with someone else, but yes, there are no more rooms available,” the receptionist confirmed.
Y/N sighed deeply, rubbing between her brows. “Okay. Thank you.”
Spencer and Y/N walked away from the desk, both trying to process the situation. Spencer broke the silence with a lighthearted joke. “Hopefully this is the worst thing that will happen this weekend.”
Y/N looked at him, a mix of apology and stress in her eyes. “I’m sorry, Spencer. I didn’t mean to make you think I’d hate to share a room with you… it’s just, this weekend is already going to be stressful.”
“Hey, no, I’m sorry for teasing. It’s okay. It will be like the sleepovers we had as kids,” Spencer said, trying to reassure her.
“You mean where you and Adam slept in the game room and I stayed as far away as possible?” Y/N responded, a hint of a smile playing on her lips.
“Exactly,” Spencer bubbled with laughter, the tension between them easing a bit.
They made their way back to their shared room, Spencer couldn't help but feel a bit nostalgic, thinking back to those simpler times. Y/N, too, found herself feeling a bit more at ease, her initial worries about the weekend beginning to fade.
—
Once they were back in the room, Y/N looked over at Spencer, her eyes sparkling with mischief. “I was going to pretend to be courteous and ask what side of the bed you prefer… but I have to sleep next to the window,” she announced, a playful smile on her lips.
“Oh, well, thank you for almost considering my feelings!” Spencer laughed, his tension easing. “I don’t mind either way, but if you snore half as bad as your brother, I’m putting a pillow over your face.”
“Oh my god, that man could cut down trees with that chainsaw he keeps in his mouth!” Y/N exclaimed, her laughter filling the room.
They shared some giggles, the awkwardness between them dissolving into familiarity and warmth.
“It’s really nice to see you, Spencer,” Y/N said sincerely, her eyes softening as she looked at him.
“You too, Y/N. You look so grown up,” Spencer replied, noting the elegance and maturity in her appearance.
“Well, 12 years will do that to someone,” she said with a chuckle, her gaze lingering on him.
“Not me, I still look the same,” Spencer said, shaking his head with a wry smile.
“Yeah,” Y/N tilted her head to the side, studying his face. “You really haven’t changed at all.”
“Okay, easy now,” Spencer protested lightly, a blush creeping up his cheeks.
“Did you ever grow armpit hair?” she teased, her eyes gleaming with mischief.
“Hey!” Spencer exclaimed, trying to defend his dignity.
“Oh, come on, Spencer! Show me!” Y/N teased further, taking a playful step towards him.
“No, Y/N. Hey, get away from me!” Spencer laughed as Y/N chased him around the room, her determination to see his armpits turning into a playful game.
With a burst of energy, Y/N ended up tackling him to the bed, sitting successfully on his stomach. “Give it up, Spencer, I win.”
“Nope!” he yelled triumphantly before using all his strength to flip her, pinning her down and tickling her.
Y/N cackled and shouted, “Uncle! Uncle!” between fits of laughter.
When Spencer finally pulled back, they both noticed the precarious position they were in. Spencer was between Y/N’s thighs with his hands by her head, both of them panting in each other’s mouths. The laughter faded as they locked eyes, the weight of the years apart and the sudden closeness creating a charged moment.
“I need to get ready for the rehearsal dinner,” Y/N whispered.
Spencer took the cue and got off of Y/N and the bed. “Mhm, yup. Me too.”
“Um, I showered when I got here. So, uh, I’ll just go get ready in the bridal suite. You can have the room,” Y/N said as she gathered the things she would need to get ready.
“Y/N… you don’t have to leave, I’m sorry.”
“What? Nothing to be sorry about. Just giving you your privacy. See you later, Spencer.”
“Yeah, see—” but she had already shut the door behind her.
Spencer ran his hands over his face, feeling a mix of embarrassment and confusion. What had he been thinking? The sudden intimacy had caught him off guard, and now he felt a pang of regret for how awkward things had become. He took a deep breath, trying to steady himself, and began preparing for the rehearsal dinner, hoping the rest of the evening would go more smoothly.
—
Y/N was not a bridesmaid, but she was fine with that. She wasn't all that interested in the responsibilities and duties that came with it anyway. She was still very close with her soon-to-be sister-in-law, Elizabeth, and it was no problem for her to get ready in the bridal suite. Once she explained the mix-up with the rooms, Elizabeth was extremely apologetic and understanding.
At the rehearsal dinner, Y/N’s seat was, of course, next to Spencer’s. He had arrived before her, which meant she spotted the back of his head before she sat down, giving her time to make a run for the open bar before making her way to the table.
As she sat down, Spencer looked over and his breath caught at the sight of her. Y/N looked absolutely radiant in her rehearsal dinner attire. The outfit suited her perfectly, complementing all of her assets and making her eyes shine. Maybe he had been silly to waste all those years alongside her chasing after her brother when she was right there. Although, he figured it probably would have been difficult to maintain a long-distance relationship at 12 while he was in university.
“Hey,” Y/N greeted him, her smile warm and genuine.
“Hi,” Spencer replied, still a bit breathless. “You look... amazing.”
“Thanks,” she said, a slight blush coloring her cheeks. “You clean up pretty well yourself.”
Spencer chuckled, feeling more at ease. “Thanks. It’s nice to be here. I mean, it’s been so long.”
“Yeah, it has,” Y/N agreed, taking a sip of her drink. “It’s crazy how time flies.”
As they settled into conversation, the initial awkwardness from earlier seemed to dissipate. They talked about their lives, their work, and the memories from their youth, finding common ground and shared experiences. The laughter and joyfulness that had once defined their friendship began to resurface, making the evening feel less like a reunion of strangers and more like a gathering of old friends.
Throughout the dinner, Spencer couldn’t help but steal glances at Y/N, marveling at how she had grown into such a beautiful and confident woman. The realization that he might have missed something special by focusing so much on Adam gnawed at him, but he tried to push those thoughts aside and enjoy the present moment.
After all the speeches were given and the eating was rehearsed, the youngest and oldest of the crowd turned into their rooms for the night. The bridal party and groomsmen left as well, all needing to be up very early. This left the young to middle-aged adults to the complimentary after-dinner party. There were free drinks, a dance floor, karaoke, and dimmed lighting.
Y/N looked over at Spencer, not knowing if this was his cup of tea or not. “Do you want to stay for a bit?”
The idea of cutting the night short didn't sit well with him, especially not with how Y/N was looking at him. “No, no, I'd like to stay if you do.”
“Sure,” she smiled. “I’ll stay.”
The two walked over to the bar to get a drink. Spencer had very rarely indulged in alcohol. Gideon had tried to introduce him to scotch, which he hated. Hotch had shown him whiskey, which wasn’t as bad but still too strong. Derek ordered him a Sex on the Beach that he really liked but was too embarrassed to order on his own. So he didn't know what he was going to do when the bartender looked at him.
“What will you have, miss?” the bartender asked Y/N.
“Just an appletini, please,” she replied. The bartender nodded and turned his attention to Spencer.
Spencer could feel his palms sweat as he ran over every drink he knew of. Y/N leaned over and asked, “Do you want me to order for you?”
Spencer nodded gratefully and whispered his order in her ear. Y/N pulled away, absolutely delighted. She told the bartender his drink before looking back to Spencer and saying, “At least ask me on a date first, you men are all the same,” teasing the poor red man.
Spencer blushed furiously but couldn’t help but laugh. “Thank you,” he said, his embarrassment mingling with amusement.
The bartender soon returned with their drinks—Y/N’s appletini and Spencer’s Sex on the Beach. Y/N handed Spencer his drink, her eyes twinkling with mischief. “Here you go, pervert. Enjoy.”
Spencer blushed even more, laughing despite himself. “Thanks,” he said, taking a sip and feeling the sweet, fruity flavors calm his nerves.
They moved to a small table near the dance floor, the music a pleasant background to their conversation. Y/N sipped her drink and looked around, enjoying the relaxed atmosphere.
“So, Dr. Reid,” she began, her tone playful, “what’s your favorite part about weddings?”
Spencer thought for a moment, a small smile forming on his lips. “Honestly, I’ve never been to a wedding before. Have you?”
Y/N nodded, her smile softening. “Yeah. I think my favorite part is the dancing. I’ve always wanted someone to swing me around the dance floor at a wedding, it looks so romantic.”
Spencer took note of what Y/N was saying, thinking that maybe he could be the one to dance her around tomorrow at the reception. “You know, I never said thank you,” Spencer said.
“For what?” Y/N tilted her head.
“For being nice to me, you and Adam both. You never laughed at me or made me feel weird for being so young and advanced.”
“Spencer…” Y/N said with a hint of questioning in her voice. “Why would we make fun of you for being smart? Oh ha ha, look at this guy, he knows way more than us.”
Spencer chuckled. “I know, but still, thank you.”
Y/N smiled warmly, reaching across the table to give his arm a reassuring squeeze. “You’re welcome, Spencer. You’ve always been special to us.”
Spencer felt his heart grow ten sizes at her words, 'us,' and the fact that Y/N remembered his aversion for touching hands. Screw Adam and Elizabeth, he’d marry Y/N tomorrow. Now, that might be a little dramatic, but whatever.
As Spencer and Y/N continued to catch up and enjoy each other's company, they also consumed more drinks. The alcohol birthed an idea in Y/N’s pretty head, quite a good one if she says so.
“Spencer,” she leaned in, her voice playful.
“Yes, ma'am,” he responded, also leaning in until their foreheads pressed together.
Y/N giggled before sharing her idea, “We should go swimming.”
“What? Where?” Spencer asked, bewildered.
“The hotel has a pool!” she exclaimed, her excitement infectious.
“Isn’t it closed by now?” Spencer asked, skeptical but intrigued.
“Nuh-uh,” she shook her head against his, her movement causing his glasses to brush against her eyebrows. “It’s open 24/7.”
Spencer was nervous; he knew Y/N liked to swim, but he wasn’t very good at it, not having done much swimming since his last summer with Adam. But he couldn’t say no to her, it would appear.
“Okay, let’s go,” he agreed, the decision making his heart race.
Y/N squealed in delight, grabbing Spencer by his bicep and dragging him behind her. She squeezed the muscle in her hand before wiggling her eyebrows at him and saying, “Wow, doctor, did you put on some muscle?”
Spencer blushed something fierce. “I had to, I’m in the FBI.”
“Ohh good, I’m gonna need a big strong man in case we get into danger,” Y/N teased, her eyes sparkling with mischief.
Spencer felt like he already was in danger, but a kind he was willing to face.
—
Once at the pool, they were both relieved to find no one else there; it was pretty late after all. As they approached the water, Spencer suddenly realized a flaw in Y/N's plan.
“Y/N, wait,” he grabbed her arm. “What about swimsuits?”
She smirked at him and pulled her arm away before grabbing the hem of her dress and pulling it off. Spencer's eyes were as wide as saucers, hilariously magnified by his frames.
“Close your mouth, doctor. Wouldn't want you to catch flies,” she teased, and with that, she jumped into the pool.
As Y/N resurfaced, Spencer noticed her makeup was impressively intact, probably some of that new waterproof stuff they make. She swam over to the edge in front of Spencer before looking up at him with a gaze not unlike a siren luring in prey.
“Come on in, Spence. The water feels amazing,” she coaxed, her voice soft and inviting.
Spencer, under the influence of something much stronger than alcohol, started shedding his clothes down to his briefs. Y/N wolf-whistled once he had his shirt off, causing a full-body flush to take over him. As soon as he was down to his last article, he jumped into the water to avoid her staring any longer.
The cool water enveloped him, a refreshing contrast to the heat he felt under Y/N's gaze. He surfaced, pushing his hair back and adjusting his glasses, which had miraculously stayed on.
“There you are,” Y/N said, swimming over to him. “Isn’t this nice?”
“Yeah,” Spencer admitted, feeling a bit more at ease now that he was in the water. “It’s actually really nice.”
“Are you ready?” Y/N asked, her voice low and taunting, getting very close to Spencer in the water, their bodies almost touching.
Spencer felt like he was going to pass out. “Re–ready for what?”
“Race ya!” she exclaimed, and with that, she was off, swimming away with powerful strokes.
Spencer blinked, momentarily stunned by the sudden challenge. Then, with a determined look, he launched himself after her, his competitive spirit kicking in despite his nerves. The cool water rushed past him as he swam, his strokes becoming more confident as he pushed himself to keep up with Y/N.
She reached the far end of the pool first, touching the wall and turning to see Spencer still making his way towards her. She laughed, the sound echoing in the quiet night air.
“You’re slow, Dr. Reid!” she teased, her eyes sparkling with mischief.
Spencer reached the wall, panting but smiling. “Not all of us are part fish, Y/N.”
“Hey, I’m not that fast,” she said with a playful pout. “You did pretty well for someone who has never won a swimming race, ever.”
“Thanks,” Spencer replied, catching his breath. “But next time, I’ll beat you.”
“Oh, is that a challenge?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Maybe,” he said, feeling bolder. “You’ll just have to wait and see.”
“I like when you get cocky, it suits you,” Y/N said, her voice dropping to a flirtatious purr as she swam closer to him, their bodies almost touching again.
Spencer's heart pounded in his chest. “Oh really? I didn’t know I had it in me.”
“There’s a lot you have in you, Spencer,” she replied, her eyes locking onto his with an intensity that made his breath catch. “Maybe you just need the right person to bring it out.”
“And who, um–who do you think that person is?” he asked, his voice trembling and nervous.
“Someone who,” she whispered, her lips just inches from his. “Would have se–”
“Hey! What are you two doing in here?” a security guard called out.
“Nothing!” Spencer yelped.
“Just leaving!” Y/N added quickly.
They scrambled out of the pool, grabbing their clothes and running down a hallway towards the elevators. Once they were safely inside one, they looked at each other and started laughing.
“I thought you said it was open all night!” Spencer exclaimed between breaths.
“I may have told a fib to get you to come swimming with me,” Y/N admitted, giving her best puppy dog eyes. “Are you mad at me, Spence?”
Spencer could see her hard nipples poking through the soaking wet, thin material of her bra and couldn’t find himself to be anything but aroused. “Uh, no, no. Not mad, that was fun.”
Y/N caught him looking but didn’t say anything. What man wouldn’t look at wet breasts right in his face?
“Yeah, it was,” she agreed, smiling. “Thanks for going with me.”
As Spencer looked up at the ceiling to avoid staring at Y/N’s half-naked body, she took her opportunity to glance down at his scantily concealed half hard bulge. She could see the entire outline through his wet, hot pink briefs.
“Never took you as a pink guy, doctor,” she teased, her eyes sparkling with mischief.
Spencer blushed fiercely, trying to cover himself with his clothes. “They were a gift,” he mumbled, embarrassed but unable to keep from smiling.
“Well, I think they suit you,” she said with a wink.
The elevator dinged, and they stepped out, making their way back to their room, still dripping wet and grinning from ear to ear. Once inside, they both burst out laughing again, the adrenaline from their escapade still coursing through them.
“Here,” Y/N said, grabbing a couple of towels from the bathroom and tossing one to Spencer. “Dry off before you catch a cold.”
“Thanks,” he replied, wrapping the towel around himself. “I can’t believe we just did that.”
“Me neither,” she admitted, toweling off her hair. “But it was worth it.”
Spencer nodded, his heart still racing. “Yeah, it was.”
They both stood there for a moment, wrapped in towels and basking in the afterglow of their impromptu adventure. The tension between them was palpable, but so was the camaraderie and affection.
“Well,” Y/N said finally, breaking the silence. “I guess we should get some sleep. Big day tomorrow.”
“Yeah,” Spencer agreed reluctantly, not wanting the evening to end. “Uh, do you want to shower first?”
“Thanks, Spencer,” Y/N nodded her head and grabbed her things.
The next 10 minutes were the hardest, literally, of Spencer's entire life. Knowing Y/N was naked and wet on the other side of the door was pure torture. He could hear the water running, imagine the steam filling the room, and envision her silhouette behind the shower curtain. When Y/N cracked open the bathroom door and peeked her head out, Spencer sat up faster than ever before, super not obvious at all.
“Sorry… I kind of forgot to bring any clothes in, so I need to come out in my towel. Is that okay?” she asked, her cheeks slightly flushed.
“Ye–yeah. Mhm,” he cleared his throat, trying to sound nonchalant. “That’s totally fine, no big deal. Why would I care?”
“Okay, weirdo,” Y/N looked at him skeptically, a playful glint in her eye. “Bathroom’s all yours.”
Spencer nodded and waited until Y/N was facing her suitcase to make a break for it, sprinting to the bathroom so she didn't see his very prominent boner tenting his pants. Y/N turned around quickly at the sound of the bathroom door slamming, finding his behavior odd.
In the shower, Spencer turned the water to cold and willed his erection away. The icy water was a shock to his system, but he needed it to calm down. He had not indulged much in self-pleasure and had certainly never seen as much of a woman as he saw today, let alone been touched by one. Eventually, it did go down, and he got out, only to realize he hadn't brought a towel. Of fucking course.
Spencer was now the one sticking his head out of the crack he made in the doorway, “Y/N…?”
“Yeah, Spencer, what’s up?” she called back, now sitting in the bed.
“I, um, forgot a towel,” he admitted, feeling his face heat up again.
“Oh shit, let me grab yours,” Y/N replied, getting up and walking over to his bag to retrieve the towel.
“Thanks,” he muttered, trying to make himself as small as possible behind the door.
When Y/N walked over to hand the towel to Spencer, she couldn’t help but immediately break into giggles.
“Oh, that’s what every guy wants to hear. What is it?” Spencer asked, mortified, his head barely poking out from behind the door.
“I’m sorry,” she gasped between laughs, “it’s just that I can see your butt in the mirror.”
Completely horrified, Spencer slammed the door shut and banged his head on it. “Can we please forget about this?” he groaned, his face burning with embarrassment.
“Absolutely not! You have the cutest ass I’ve ever seen!” Y/N called out, her laughter echoing through the room.
Spencer felt his face burn even more as he dried off and quickly dressed. When he emerged from the bathroom, he avoided eye contact with Y/N, who was still chuckling softly, a wide grin on her face.
“Ready for bed?” she asked, a playful glint in her eye, clearly still amused by the situation.
“Yeah,” Spencer mumbled, trying to hide his embarrassment as he climbed into his side of the bed.
They settled into their respective sides, the awkwardness from the bathroom incident lingering but slowly giving way to a more comfortable silence.
“Goodnight, Spencer,” Y/N said softly, turning off the bedside lamp and snuggling under the covers.
“Goodnight, Y/N,” he replied, settling into his pillow and trying to calm his racing thoughts.
As he lay there, staring up at the ceiling, Spencer couldn’t help but smile. Despite the awkward moments and his own nervousness, he felt a warmth in his chest that he hadn’t felt since that last summer. This weekend, for all its surprises, was turning out to be something special. And as he drifted off to sleep, he couldn't shake the feeling that this was only the beginning.
—
When the room’s phone began ringing with a wake-up call in the morning, both Y/N and Spencer groaned at being woken up. Y/N stuck her arm out, grabbed the phone, and hung it up to stop the sound rattling in her head. Much to her surprise and gratitude, she was not hungover, just very tired. She went to roll over to go back to sleep when she noticed her body was being restricted by multiple different body parts, none of which belonged to her.
Spencer had one arm around her waist, his other beneath his head, one leg on her hip, and the other between both of her legs. The man had wrapped himself around her like a human octopus. He was also awake, not having slept through the wake-up call, but was paralyzed out of fear or embarrassment, maybe both.
Y/N felt him tense up and his breathing grow rapid, signaling that he was awake. “Well, good morning to you too, Dr. Reid. Or is it Doc Ock?” she teased, her voice still heavy with sleep.
“Ha ha, very funny,” Spencer mumbled, his face burning with embarrassment.
“I know I am, thank you,” Y/N said, a smirk playing on her lips.
They lay in silence for a few more moments, both of them thoroughly enjoying the feeling of the other's body pressed against their own.
“So, not that I'm complaining, but were you planning on letting me go anytime soon?” Y/N asked, amusement evident in her tone.
“Oh god, yes. I'm so sorry,” Spencer said, hurriedly trying to disentangle himself. In his haste, he managed to rub his morning wood against Y/N’s ass.
“Jesus, Reid! Any of your other body parts you want to touch me with?” she teased, trying to lighten the mood.
“No, nope. Actually, I think I'm just going to open the window and jump out. I think the 15 floors will kill me,” he said, his voice muffled from behind his hands that were hiding his extremely red face.
Y/N laughed softly, reaching out to gently pull his hands away from his face. “Hey, it’s okay. It happens,” she said, her tone reassuring. “No need to jump out the window.”
Spencer looked at her, still blushing but grateful for her understanding. “Thanks, Y/N. I’m really sorry about that.”
She shrugged, giving him a playful smile. “It’s all part of the fun, right? Besides, I’d miss having you around.”
Spencer managed a small smile, feeling a bit better. “I’d miss you too.”
They lay there for a moment longer, the initial awkwardness giving way to a comfortable silence. Until Y/N, unable to resist tormenting Spencer, said, “Did you want a hand with that?”
“What??” he half-squeaked, half-screamed.
Y/N threw her head back, laughing hard in the early morning light shining in.
“You’re so mean,” Spencer muttered, his face a deep shade of red.
“Aww, did you really want me to?” she teased, her eyes sparkling with mischief.
“I’m not answering that,” he replied, trying to sound stern but failing miserably.
“All in good time, young grasshopper,” Y/N said, patting his arm playfully.
Spencer, rolling his eyes and unable to stand Y/N’s antics any longer, got out of bed to get ready for the day. He needed coffee, and maybe 50,000 shots of alcohol. What he failed to consider was that he was still hard, in loose gray sweats, and that he was sharing a room with Y/N, the worst person, ever.
“Whoa baby! I didn’t realize you were holding out on me! Get back here!” Y/N called out, patting the bed and laughing even harder.
Spencer, mortified, ran to the bathroom, his face burning with embarrassment. He closed the door behind him and leaned against it, trying to calm his racing heart. The cold shower earlier had been nothing compared to the icy plunge he felt now, thanks to Y/N’s relentless teasing.
Inside the bathroom, he took a few deep breaths, trying to steady himself. He couldn’t deny that a part of him enjoyed the playful banter, but another part of him was utterly overwhelmed by the intensity of his feelings. He needed to collect himself and face the day, starting with a much-needed cup of coffee.
Back in the room, Y/N was still chuckling to herself, thoroughly amused by Spencer's reactions. She began getting ready, her thoughts drifting to the upcoming events of the day and the unexpected pleasure of Spencer’s company. Despite her teasing, she was genuinely glad he was there.
As Spencer emerged from the bathroom, now somewhat composed, he glanced at Y/N, who was busy with her morning routine. “Truce?” he offered, a tentative smile on his lips.
“Truce,” Y/N agreed, smiling back at him. “For now.”
They both laughed, the tension easing as they continued preparing for the day ahead. The morning light filled the room, promising a day full of possibilities and perhaps, a few more moments of unexpected connection.
—
The morning sun cast a warm glow over the vineyard as Y/N and Spencer wandered through the charming village, the scent of grapes and fresh earth filling the air. They didn’t have much to do in preparation for the wedding, so they decided to venture out in search of coffee. The village was picturesque, with cobblestone streets, quaint shops, and inviting cafés.
As they strolled, chatting about old memories and catching up, they suddenly found themselves face-to-face with a woman Y/N recognized all too well. Christa, one of the girls who used to bully Spencer in high school, stood before them. Adam had warned Y/N about all the mean girls and boys, just in case they had any younger siblings at the school.
“Oh my god! No way! It’s the baby freak and boarding school!” Christa exclaimed, her voice dripping with mock surprise and disdain.
Spencer immediately tensed, the old nickname hitting him like a punch to the gut. He hadn’t been called that in years. Y/N, feeling a surge of protectiveness, stepped forward.
“Christa!” Y/N exclaimed with a bright, exaggerated smile, moving in for an overly enthusiastic hug that left Christa visibly uncomfortable. Christa awkwardly patted Y/N’s back, clearly thrown off by the unexpected embrace.
“Uh, hi,” Christa muttered, her confidence wavering.
“How are you? What has it been, 15 years? You don’t look a day over 40,” Y/N said cheerfully.
“I’m 30,” Christa replied, her tone icy.
“Oh… well, sunscreen is your best friend!” Y/N said, her voice dripping with false innocence.
Christa’s face twisted in offense, while Spencer struggled to hide his laughter behind a cough.
“Baby freak… you look exactly the same. Still scaring everyone away with your freaky genius powers?” Christa sneered, her eyes narrowing at Spencer.
“I–uh, no, I–” Spencer stammered, the old insecurities rushing back.
“Spencer, here,” Y/N said, emphasizing his name, “is not a baby, maybe compared to the looks of you. And he is not a freak, unless you want to talk about more private matters, but judging by the turn of your nose and the stick up your ass, I’m going to go ahead and assume you have no idea what I’m talking about. How long has it been since a real human touched you?”
Christa was speechless, her mouth opening and closing as she tried to come up with a retort. Finally, she sneered, “I bet Spencer’s never been touched by a human ever.”
Spencer looked down, his face turning red with embarrassment, feeling like the insecure 12-year-old all over again.
“Really? Like this?” Y/N said, pulling Spencer down into a kiss before Christa could say another word.
The kiss was brief but intense, and when Y/N pulled back, Spencer’s eyes were wide with surprise, his cheeks flushed. Christa stood there, stunned and utterly speechless, unable to come up with a reply.
Y/N turned back to Christa with a triumphant smile. “Awe, Christa, you look like a fish. Never speak to me or my boyfriend ever again, okay? Okay, sweetie. So good to see you!”
With that, Y/N took Spencer’s arm and led him away, leaving Christa standing in the middle of the street, fuming and defeated.
As they walked away, Spencer glanced over at Y/N, his heart still racing from the unexpected kiss. “Thank you,” he said softly.
Y/N squeezed his arm gently, a warm smile on her face. “Anytime, Spencer. You deserve better than people like her.”
They continued their walk, the tension from the encounter melting away as they enjoyed each other’s company, feeling closer than ever before. The weekend had taken another unexpected turn, but this time, it was for the better.
—
After grabbing their coffee, Spencer and Y/N realized they still had plenty of time before they had to start getting ready for the wedding. The charm of Napa Valley beckoned, and they decided to indulge in one of the region’s finest offerings: wine tasting. The idea seemed perfect, a way to enjoy the beautiful vineyard and create some new memories.
They made their way back to the vineyard and signed up for a tour. As they strolled through the rows of grapevines, Y/N kept her hand looped around Spencer's arm. It felt natural, a comforting closeness that neither of them felt the need to mention. The guide led them through the process of winemaking, from grape to glass, sharing interesting tidbits and answering questions.
Once the tour concluded, they were led to a private table on one of the many balconies the vineyard’s main building had to offer. The view was breathtaking, with rolling hills and endless rows of vines stretching out under the clear blue sky. A tasting flight of wine was set before them, each glass glistening with rich, inviting hues.
Y/N took a sip from the first glass, savoring the flavor before turning to Spencer. “So… about earlier,” she began, her voice soft.
Spencer nodded, his fingers tracing the rim of his glass. “Yeah. That was… unexpected.”
“I’m sorry if I overstepped,” Y/N said, looking at him earnestly. “I just couldn’t stand her talking to you like that.”
Spencer shook his head, a small smile playing on his lips. “You didn’t overstep. It was… nice. Surprising, but nice. No one’s ever stood up for me like that before.”
Y/N blushed slightly, taking another sip of her wine. “Well, you deserved it. She was horrible.”
Spencer glanced at her, feeling a warmth that had nothing to do with the wine. “Thank you, Y/N. For everything. It’s been a long time since I felt… protected.”
Y/N smiled, her eyes twinkling. “You’re welcome. And for what it’s worth, you could have handled it really well all on your own. I just… wanted to make sure she knew she couldn’t mess with you.”
Spencer chuckled, relaxing more as he took a sip from his glass. “You definitely made that clear.”
They continued their tasting, discussing the nuances of each wine, but the earlier conversation had brought them even closer. The view, the wine, and the company made for a perfect moment, one that felt both nostalgic and new.
As they moved through the tasting flight, they found themselves laughing and reminiscing about old times, the tension from the earlier encounter long forgotten. The vineyard, with its serene beauty, provided the perfect backdrop for reconnecting, and they both felt a sense of peace and happiness that had been missing for too long.
Y/N looked out over the balcony, her hand still resting lightly on Spencer's arm. “I’m glad we’re here,” she said softly. “I’ve missed this.”
“Me too,” Spencer replied, his voice equally soft. “It’s like coming home.”
They clinked their glasses together, a silent toast to new beginnings and cherished memories. The weekend held more surprises, but for now, they were content to simply enjoy each other’s company, letting the wine and the moment carry them away.
“Speaking of home… do you think you’d ever come back?” Y/N asked, her voice tinged with vulnerability.
“To Las Vegas?” Spencer replied, looking at her curiously.
“Yeah,” Y/N said, feeling somewhat hopeful.
Spencer took a moment, thinking it over. “I’ve never thought about it, really.”
“Oh, I guess if I left, I wouldn’t want to come back either,” Y/N said, a hint of sadness creeping into her tone.
“Y/N… it’s not that. There’s just nothing there for me anymore.”
“Yeah, nothing,” she said bitterly, sipping her wine.
“No, no, no. That’s not what I meant,” Spencer said quickly, his eyes wide with concern.
“It’s okay, Spencer. You don’t have to pretend. We haven’t talked in over a decade. I can’t blame you,” Y/N said, looking down at her glass.
“Y/N–” Spencer began, but she cut him off.
“I’m going to head back and get ready. Can you give me an hour alone, please?” she asked, her voice strained.
“Yeah, of course,” Spencer said softly, his heart sinking.
Y/N stood up, giving him a small, tight smile before walking away. Spencer watched her go, feeling a pang of regret. He hadn’t meant to hurt her, and now he felt the weight of their years apart more heavily than ever. He sat there for a moment longer, staring out at the vineyard, before deciding to take a walk to clear his mind.
The serene beauty of the vineyard provided some solace, but his thoughts kept drifting back to Y/N. He realized how much he had missed her, how much he had missed having someone who understood him. The years had created a distance between them, but he hoped that this weekend could be a step towards bridging that gap.
As he wandered back to the room an hour later, he knocked softly on the door, giving Y/N the space she had asked for. He hoped they could find a way to reconnect, to rebuild the bond they once had. The weekend was far from over, and he was determined to make things right.
—
By the time the ceremony rolled around, Y/N and Spencer hadn't talked yet but took their seats next to each other. Spencer tried to apologize again, but Y/N brushed him off, telling him it was okay. The ceremony was beautiful and didn't drag on too long. Y/N cried, and Spencer put his arm around her shoulders, letting her cry on him.
They took their seats for dinner after, being seated again with her parents and close family. Though her parents weren't there for the rehearsal dinner, they were now. Spencer was extremely nervous, having never gotten a good read on Y/N and Adam's parents before. All he knew was that they shipped their young children off to boarding school and then left them home with hired staff more often than not.
As the first course was being served, Y/N's mother eyed Spencer with a mix of curiosity and disapproval. “Y/N, who is this man you brought?” she asked, her tone sharp.
Y/N took a deep breath, steadying herself. “Mother, this is Spencer Reid. He grew up with us, don’t you remember?”
Her mother pursed her lips, shaking her head. “No.”
“I’m not surprised,” Y/N muttered under her breath.
Her father, catching the exchange, leaned in. “Watch your tone, that’s your mother.”
“I’m 24,” Y/N said, her voice steady but strained.
“And you’re still our child,” her father retorted.
“I’ve been financially independent since I was 18. What are you going to do? Take my salad fork?” Y/N shot back, her frustration evident.
Her parents rolled their eyes in unison. “No wonder it’s your brother getting married and not you,” her mother sneered. “You were always so bitter. Determined to hold grudges.”
Y/N’s mouth dropped open, ready to fire back, but Spencer quickly intervened. “Actually, Y/N and I have been together for what, 2 years, darling?” he said, his voice smooth and confident.
Y/N was momentarily stunned, but then a wicked smile crept across her face. “Yes, baby. And that present you gave me for our anniversary was so… sensual. I can still feel it,” she said, biting her lip for effect.
Spencer tried to contain his laughter, his eyes dancing with amusement as he looked at Y/N.
Her mother’s face turned a deep shade of red. “Y/N L/N! You are incorrigible.”
Y/N shrugged, unfazed. “I don’t care,” she said, a defiant glint in her eye.
The table fell into an awkward silence, but Spencer felt a sense of triumph. He had managed to diffuse the situation and even brought a smile to Y/N’s face. As the dinner progressed, they exchanged knowing glances, each feeling a little more at ease despite the tension surrounding them.
As soon as people were encouraged to get up from their tables, Y/N and Spencer shot up. Their first stop was the open bar, both needing a drink after enduring a whole dinner with her parents.
“Can we get an appletini and a sex on the beach?” Spencer ordered, his voice only shaking slightly.
“Spence!” Y/N yelled, hitting his arm playfully. “I’m so proud of you!”
He smiled to himself, feeling a sense of accomplishment. They stood at the bar, sipping their drinks as they observed the crowd. The lively atmosphere was a welcome contrast to the tension they had just experienced. Y/N’s eyes were on the couples dancing, and Spencer remembered what she had said earlier about wanting someone to swing her around the dance floor.
“Do you want to dance?” Spencer asked, turning to her.
“Oh no, it’s okay. I know you don’t like to dance,” Y/N replied, her gaze lingering on the dance floor.
“Y/N… I want to dance with you. Do you want to dance with me?” Spencer asked, his eyes earnest.
“Yes, very much,” Y/N said, her face lighting up with a smile.
Spencer set his drink down and took her hand, leading her to the dance floor. The music was a soft, romantic melody, perfect for a slow dance. As they found a spot, Spencer placed his hands gently on her waist, and Y/N wrapped her arms around his neck. They swayed to the music, the world around them fading as they focused on each other.
“I can’t believe I’m finally doing this,” Y/N said softly, resting her head on his shoulder.
“Me neither,” Spencer replied, his voice equally soft. “I’m glad it’s with you.”
Y/N’s eyes were shining. “You’ve always been special to me, Spencer.”
He smiled, leaning in to press a gentle kiss to her forehead. “You too, Y/N.”
Her heart raced at his bold gesture, not expecting such a move from Spencer. They stayed on the dance floor for a few more songs, enjoying the moment and the connection that had been rekindled. Eventually, Spencer took Y/N's hand and led her away from the floor.
“Spence… you’re holding my hand,” Y/N said, glancing down at their intertwined fingers.
“I am,” Spencer replied, his voice steady.
“You don’t do that,” she pointed out, her heart still fluttering.
“I don’t,” he agreed, looking at her with a small smile.
“But you are,” she continued, her eyes searching his.
“Right again,” Spencer said, his smile widening.
“Why?” Y/N asked, her voice barely a whisper.
“Because I like you,” Spencer admitted, his eyes locking onto hers with an intensity she hadn’t seen before.
Y/N felt her breath catch, her heart pounding in her chest. “You… you like me?”
Spencer nodded, his grip on her hand tightening slightly. “Yes, Y/N. I like you. I guess I was just too afraid to admit it before.”
A smile slowly spread across Y/N's face, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. “I like you too, Spencer. I always have, since we were kids.”
Spencer's face lit up with relief and happiness. “Really?”
“Really,” Y/N confirmed, squeezing his hand.
They stood there for a moment, the noise of the party fading into the background as they gazed at each other. The years of separation and unspoken feelings seemed to melt away, leaving only the warmth of their rekindled connection.
“Do you want to get some fresh air?” Spencer asked, his voice soft.
“Yeah, I’d like that,” Y/N replied, her smile never wavering.
They walked hand in hand out to the vineyard’s garden, the night air cool and refreshing. The walk through the garden was very much reminiscent of the last time they saw each other. The path was lined with twinkling lights, casting a soft glow over the grapevines and flowers.
“Did you really not know I liked you all those years ago? I was so obvious. I did everything to get your attention,” Y/N said, breaking the comfortable silence.
“No, I really didn’t know. I just thought you were really nice!” Spencer replied, his brow furrowing in surprise.
“And you liked Adam,” Y/N stated, a hint of a teasing smile on her lips.
“I–I, what??” Spencer stammered, caught off guard.
“It’s okay, Spence, he doesn’t know,” Y/N said, giving his hand a reassuring squeeze.
Spencer let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. “You knew?”
“Of course I knew. I could see it in the way you looked at him. It’s fine, really,” Y/N said, her voice gentle.
Spencer looked at her, his eyes filled with a mix of embarrassment and relief. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make things awkward back then.”
Y/N shook her head, her smile softening. “You didn’t. I just wish I had known how to tell you how I felt. I was always so nervous around you.”
Spencer smiled, feeling a warmth spread through him. “I was nervous around you too. I didn’t know how to handle my feelings. I guess we were both a bit clueless.”
They laughed together, the sound carrying through the quiet night. As they continued their walk, the memories of the past seemed to blend with the present, creating a sense of closure and a new beginning.
“Do you think things would have been different if we had talked about it back then?” Spencer asked, his curiosity piqued.
“Maybe,” Y/N said thoughtfully. “But we were just kids, and you had so much ahead of you.”
Spencer nodded, feeling content with her answer. They reached a bench under a large oak tree and sat down, the stars twinkling above them. Y/N leaned her head on Spencer’s shoulder, and he wrapped his arm around her, pulling her close.
“I would move back home,” Spencer said softly.
“What?” Y/N asked, her voice filled with warmth and curiosity.
“I would move back home,” Spencer repeated, his voice steady. “If it meant being with you eventually. I’d come back to Las Vegas.”
Y/N lifted her head to look at him, her eyes wide with surprise and emotion. “Spencer, you don’t have to do that for me. We aren’t even dating.”
“I know,” he said, gently cupping her cheek with his hand. “But I want to. You were always like home to me, Y/N. Being with you feels right.”
“I would never ask you to give up your job; you worked so hard to get there,” Y/N shook her head.
“But I—”
“Stop,” Y/N interrupted, pulling away from his touch. Her heart raced, and she felt a wave of panic wash over her. “This is too much, Spencer. We’ve just reconnected, and now you’re talking about uprooting your entire life for me. It’s overwhelming.”
Spencer’s face fell, his hand dropping to his side. “I’m sorry, Y/N. I didn’t mean to pressure you. I just wanted you to know how important you are to me.”
Y/N took a deep breath, trying to steady her emotions. “I appreciate that, really. But we need to take things slow. I need time to process all of this.”
Spencer nodded, though the disappointment was clear in his eyes. “Of course. I understand. We’ll take it slow.”
There was an awkward silence between them, the weight of their conversation hanging heavily in the air. Y/N felt a mix of guilt and relief, unsure of how to navigate the intense emotions swirling inside her.
After a few moments, Spencer spoke again, his voice soft. “I’m sorry if I overwhelmed you. I just care about you a lot.”
Y/N managed a small smile, her heart aching. “I care about you too, Spencer. But let’s just see where things go, okay?”
“Okay,” he agreed, though the tension between them remained palpable.
They spent the rest of the evening in a subdued silence, both lost in their thoughts. Y/N couldn’t shake the feeling of unease, and she wondered if she had made a mistake. But she also knew she needed to follow her instincts and not rush into anything that didn’t feel right.
That night, the walk back to their room was a silent torture. Each step felt heavier than the last, the air thick with unspoken words and lingering tension. Spencer desperately wanted to fix things, but he didn’t know how.
When they finally reached their room, Y/N wordlessly grabbed a pillow and placed it between their bodies on the bed, creating a physical barrier that mirrored the emotional distance between them. The gesture was small, but it felt like a chasm had opened up.
Spencer lay on his side, staring at the wall, his heart aching. He wanted to reach out, to hold her, to reassure her, but he couldn’t bring himself to cross that line. The fear of pushing her further away was paralyzing.
What was far worse, was when Spencer woke up to an empty bed and an empty hotel room. Panic set in as he called out her name, hoping she was just in the bathroom or getting breakfast. But there was no response.
The reality of the situation hit him hard. Once again, he had managed to lose one of the only people who ever felt like home. The weight of that loss settled in his chest, making it hard to breathe. He sat on the edge of the bed, burying his face in his hands, trying to make sense of what had gone wrong.
The silence of the room was deafening, and the loneliness was overwhelming. Spencer knew he had to find a way to make things right, but at that moment, he felt utterly lost and alone.
—
Downstairs, Spencer was checking out when he heard a familiar voice call his name. He turned around to see Adam bounding towards him.
“Hey buddy!” Adam, as broad as ever, swept him into a hug, picking him up in his excitement.
“Whoa! Hi!” Spencer laughed, caught off guard by the enthusiastic greeting.
“How are you? Thank you so much for coming. I’m sorry it’s been so crazy, I can’t believe I almost missed you!”
“Yeah, hah. Glad I ran into you,” Spencer replied, trying to keep his composure despite the turmoil inside.
Adam, unaware of Spencer's inner turmoil, continued with a big grin, “So, I heard you had to bunk with old Petit Chou.”
“Y/N? Yeah, I did,” Spencer replied, the nickname bringing back a wave of memories.
“How was it? Was it like old times?” Adam asked, his tone cheerful and curious.
“Um, no, not really. We got along a lot better,” Spencer admitted, a small, sad smile forming on his lips.
“Oh, you dog! Did you sleep with my sister?” Adam's tone was teasing, but he looked extremely pleased.
Spencer's eyes widened, and he quickly shook his head. “No, no, nothing like that. We just... caught up.”
Adam laughed, clapping Spencer on the back. “Well, I’m glad you two reconnected. She always had a soft spot for you, you know.”
Spencer forced a smile, trying to push away the sadness. “Yeah, me too. She’s... she’s great.”
“Eh, I wouldn’t go that far,” Adam teased in a big brotherly fashion.
“So, I thought you’d be gone by now on your honeymoon?” Spencer asked.
“Oh no, Lizzie wanted to have some time as newlyweds in our house first. You know, get settled in, put all the presents away and such before we leave. She really thinks everything through,” Adam explained, love evident in the way he talked about Elizabeth.
“She sounds wonderful. I’m so happy for you, man,” Spencer said sincerely.
“Thank you, little dude. Are there any lucky ladies in your life? Lucky lads?” Adam asked, raising an eyebrow playfully.
“Huh, no,” Spencer replied, shaking his head.
“Dude, you should have totally made a move on Y/N! She yapped about you for years after you left. When I told her you were gonna be here, she practically threw away her suitcase and bought all new clothes, wanting to make a good impression or something,” Adam said with a grin.
“What?” Spencer choked, his eyes widening in surprise.
“Yeah, man, she had it baddd. It was kind of cute,” Adam chuckled.
“Oh, I had no idea,” Spencer said, feeling a little bit of shock and regret.
“Well, if you’re ever in Vegas, you know who to call,” Adam said, clapping Spencer on the back.
“Yeah... where are you living nowadays?” Spencer asked, trying to shift the conversation.
“Georgia! Met sweet little Lizzie at Florida State and followed her home after graduation. Never left,” Adam replied, his eyes shining with happiness.
“That’s great, Adam. I’m really happy for you,” Spencer said, genuinely pleased for his friend.
“Thanks, man. And seriously, don’t be a stranger. If you’re ever in the area, you’ve got a place to stay,” Adam said, giving Spencer another friendly hug.
As they finished checking out, Spencer’s mind raced with thoughts of Y/N. He needed to talk to her, to clear the air and understand what had gone wrong. But for now, he was grateful for the brief distraction that Adam had provided. It gave him a glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, he could find a way to make things right.
—
Y/N went back home, feeling the weight of the weekend pressing heavily on her. She barely had time to sit down and process everything when her best friend and roommate, Billie, showed up at her bedroom door, armed with snacks and drinks.
“Hey, thought you could use some company,” Billie said, giving Y/N a warm hug as they entered.
“Thanks, Billie,” Y/N replied, her voice tinged with sadness.
They settled on the couch, surrounded by an array of comfort food and drinks. Billie opened a bag of chips and handed it to Y/N. “So, tell me everything.”
Y/N sighed, taking a deep breath before recounting the events of the weekend. She told Billie about reconnecting with Spencer, the intense emotions, and the difficult conversation that left her feeling lost and confused.
“I feel so silly,” Y/N said, heaving a big sigh. “Mourning something I can’t have. We live on opposite sides of the country. How would it ever work?”
Billie reached over, giving Y/N’s hand a reassuring squeeze. “It’s not silly at all. Feelings don’t follow logic. You’re allowed to feel sad, even if it seems impractical.”
“I just... I really thought maybe we could make it work,” Y/N said, her voice breaking.
“Hey, you never know what the future holds. Maybe things will change, or maybe you’ll find a way to be together despite the distance,” Billie said, their tone comforting.
“But what if we don’t? What if it’s just not meant to be?” Y/N asked, her eyes searching Billie’s for answers.
“Then it's not, you can't control what's out of your hands,” Billie said, offering a comforting smile.
Y/N nodded, feeling a bit more at ease. They spent the rest of the evening talking, laughing, and enjoying each other’s company. While the ache in Y/N’s heart didn’t completely disappear, she felt a sense of peace over the situation.
—
Spencer wanted to reach out to Y/N, knowing he couldn't even use the excuse of not having her phone number—one of his best friends could hack the Pentagon for fun if she wanted. But he didn’t want to face the rejection he had a feeling would be coming his way. He knew it was impractical: his job was demanding, they lived nowhere near each other, and on top of that, they didn’t even know if they would work. Maybe the magic between them only existed in the air of the wedding.
They went weeks in radio silence, both resigning to move on. They had gone 12 years without each other; they could handle some more. That is until Spencer found something in one of his luggage pockets. He was repacking his go-bag after returning from a case when he opened a pocket that he did not often use, planning to put a fresh pack of gum in there.
He quickly took the note out and opened it, seeing it was in handwriting that he didn’t recognize. His heart skipped a beat as he began to read:
Spencer,
I’m sorry for leaving unannounced. I truly loved seeing you this weekend. It was wonderful to catch up after so long apart and to see that you are still the same sweet, loving guy. I hope you never change.
I left without saying goodbye because of my own issues, not because of anything you said or did. Please understand that. You mean so much to me, and I would hate to jeopardize our friendship over something silly like this.
If you’re ever in Vegas, you always have a place to stay.
Y/N
#spencer reid fanfiction#doctor spencer reid#dr spencer reid#spencer reid#spencer reid fic#spencer reid fluff#spencer reid x reader#virgin spencer reid#criminal minds fluff#fluff#angst#criminal minds x reader#criminal minds#wedding#one bed trope
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Just watched the ballad of songbirds and snakes and omg I loved it so much it’s insane
The English nerd in me who read a disturbing amount of William Wordsworth at the age of 8 (literally have a memory box with my old copy which I destroyed with glitter pen “annotations”) absolutely LOVES Lucy gray being named Lucy gray and obviously all the references to the poems in the movie
More than that I love Lucy gray as a character too and I mean LOVE like literally that is my wife
Might be the post movie high but if you ask me rn what my favourite hunger games movie is it’s definitely this one like this one is making me want to read the books which I neglected to do for what 15 years😭😭(idk when the release was I’m just saying a random number)
God that ending hurt tho I love how they were somehow able to have the audience wish and hope for a different ending while full well knowing it’s a prequel like that takes an unimaginable level of skill to do, to have us root for snow and Lucy gray and have us genuinely be invested while knowing how it ends is just so cool
Edit:
Imma include pics of the memory box William Wordsworth book
I’m NOT showing you guys my version of annotations but as you can see glitter pens were involved in my childhood obsession with the Lucy gray poem also I will adjust my earlier statement cos I think I was between 6-7 maybe cos now I’m doing the math
#william wordsworth#surprised that’s a tag#coriolanus snow#the ballad of songbirds and snakes#lucy gray baird#tbosas#the hunger games#my posts
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(USA based sorry)
I’m definitely speaking into an echo chamber but like.
Nearly every algebra student I tutor ends up with a word problem involving the gender wage gap. And they’re all confounded by it and have no clue.
And a guy in my fucking Calc 3 class was like “wait you guys were serious? That’s real?” When it came up. BRO YOU’RE ABOUT OLD ENOUGH TO DRINK???
It’s amazing what is and isn’t common knowledge. Feminist history isn’t taught past “and then women got their right to vote :)))))).” With occasional mentions of Title IX and the late 1900s waves of feminism. Of course only in in-depth history classes, not general Ed. Wow.
I am not in training to be a historian or a history teacher, but by all that is right in the world I hope it becomes more normalized and common to speak about shit that is LESS than 100 years ago in depth when it comes to American History & culture. Wtf. I swear even when I took AP history* the professor was afraid to touch on that stuff. For some reason (happily) my English teachers were a lot more willing to teach about modern history & minority stories.
And this is just what affects my white anglo cishetallo abled-passing housed female life personally. I cannot truly imagine the feeling of personal erasure & irritation one of comes to other identities & issues that have only relatively recently been resolved, addressed, acknowledged or even only pointedly ignored. I am fucking angry FOR you and can’t wait for things to change. You ALL deserve better. Don’t forget that.
It’s not your job to educate these people or their children (unless you’re literally a history teacher or something) but I want to shake the people who decide these what gets taught until the cowardice & insecurity & thoughtlessness & malice & election-based anxiety shits out of their assholes and leaves their hearts hungering for intelligent, thoughtful & interested discussions on modern issues and genuine history that should not be squeezed into the last pages of textbooks out of fear of offending paper white & paper thin pride.
Human rights deserve attention. Human rights should not have to be a radical talking point. It should be both as natural and expected as breathing clean air & as ingrained and knowable as to be accessible in math problems.
There is so much to be done. And it is exhausting. But please know that you are not alone.
*interesting tidbit below but basically irrelevant to the above post
I took AP america history to learn about the parts of American history that are never, or barely, covered in history classes throughout the grades. Basically, if it happened outside of the Puritans-WWII, it’s got a poor chance chance of in-depth coverage. And while the class did teach me good analysis skills and some interesting facts, it mostly covered the exact fucking periods I mentioned above.
And you know what? Literally right before we took the AP test, our teacher told us “study up on periods 2-7” (im pretty sure there are 9 periods of American history, forgive me it’s been like 5 years) “they never test on 1, 8 or 9”. Guess what the essay questions were on. And guess what time periods 1,8 & 9 are? If you posited precolonial america, the mid 1900s and modern day, ding ding ding you’re the winner! :))))))
(AP classes are worth it if you’re bored and/or trying to cut down on the amount of classes you’ll take in college & thus save money. But a lot (not all) of the AP certified teachers will try to convince you it’s the be all, end all of learning in high school. Also the weighted GPAs are a scam. No one looks at those. If you’re worried about keeping a good average, stick to the class level that fits within both circles of ‘not boring’ and ‘not going to wreck your life’. You can take an AP test and have it count and not take the class. Just be warned it is genuinely difficult.)
#idk where this is went but I am feeling passionate#context: I’m in the middle of getting a Math Education degree and am avoiding homework
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15 Questions / 15 People
this is late by [checks notes] literally 15 days. 17 days. oopsie doopsie i am so sorry. i got tagged by my beloved @valiantlyjollynightmare !!
1. Are you named after anyone? (irl): no, i don't think so! my parents couldn't decide between two variations of this name and they decided to meet in the middle and pick a third option. (internet): izy is my nickname i grew up with! of course, lots of people spell it izzy but i've always been adamant about keeping the one 'z' only. tashio is a reference to inuyasha; inuyasha's dad is 'inu no taisho' which is basically the dog king(/lord) and even as an eleven year old i knew. i KNEW. this was the man i WANTED. since i was eleven or whatever, i've been going by izy tashio online :)
2. What was the last time you cried? february 3rd 2023! since then i haven't cried :D
3. Do you have kids? not yet! but i can't wait. i want a family, and i've even picked out all the names i want and aaaahhhhh.
4. Do you use sarcasm a lot? yes, definitely!
5. What’s the first thing you notice about people? that's a great question, i genuinely don't know. it's a person-by-person case, i don't think i always notice something first. maybe their height...?
6. What’s your eye color? brown/black! whatever!
7. Scary movies or happy endings? happy endings! i hate bad endings and i avoid them like the plaaaague.
8. Any special talents? i can make a farting noise with my hands :3 (i genuinely can't think of anything but this is a true fact, so.)
9. Where were you born? i was born in brazil!! i've been back and forth from usa to brazil my entire life.
10. What are your hobbies? i love writing and drawing, though i think at this point my writing skill has surpassed my art skill. hand problems have made it difficult to hold pens and pencils, so there's definitely a biased towards writing instead of drawing.
11. Do you have a pet? unfortunately, no! i have plans of adopting two cats and owning a golden, though.
12. What sports do you play/have played? i used to play soccer for most of my life, but one year i missed the chance to sign up because of ADHD brain gave me executive dysfunction and i never picked it back up again. i feel like i would've been in a much different point in my life, had i stayed active with soccer.
13. How tall are you? 150cm! | 4'11" !
14. Favorite subject in school? math!
15. Dream job? unavailable question, i'm in survival mode at the moment! the job isn't the important part, but what i'm able to do with the money that it provides is all that matters. being able to come home after work and live comfortably; being able to travel and be able to work on my hobbies is all that matters to me in a job. no-obligation tagging: @writerriderdirtythirties | @leafweaverryn | @rosie-b | @littlemourningstar | @uchidachi | @keentrigger | @transiconlink | @furia-lepida | @miraculouslymundane | @apollo-zero-one | @asukiess | @purrfectlypunny | @feather-dancer | @creamikimi | @the-goddess-of-sleep | @midnightskydancer
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so the twisted marionette is back and it seems like a good time for this~ @mystery-salad requested I do an essay on Scarlet and discrimination in STEM so~
Warning: discussions of sexism, racism, and ableism. If I got anything wrong (in terms of real world issues) or was disrespectful in any way about certain subjects please let me know
Hey, let's talk about Scarlet Briar.
More specifically, I wanna talk about Ceara, and how she became Scarlet Briar. Because I'm a gay mathematician and former computer science major, and I think Scarlet is cool.
So let's start here. STEM (science, technology, engineering, and mathematics) is a heavily male dominated set of fields and career paths. A few decades back in the real world, there was this deep set societal belief, at least in western society, that cis women were just "worse" at STEM related things like math and chemistry. It's not as visible of an issue now, but, like I said, STEM fields are still really male dominated, and that's because STEM fields still have a massive issue with sexism. Women have full on left the field due to the sexism they faced in workplaces in just the last decade. Trans women in STEM share really interesting and important personal accounts about how before transitioning, they were treated with respect, offered high level jobs, and entrusted with loads of responsibility, and how post transition, despite having even more experience, are offered significantly lower level jobs, worse pay, and are all around treated like they know less. STEM has a sexism problem.
So, why is this important to Scarlet? Well, her backstory and her life before Omadd's Machine actually tie in to this real world issue in a really fascinating way. It's about Respect. And Scarlet's story is about how she was denied respect over and over, because she was a sylvari, because she was a woman, and because she was neurodivergent. Let's talk about Ceara.
Ceara was a sylvari secondborn, and an engineer from the start. She emerged from the Pale Tree when her race was still brand new to the world and largely unknown. She spent 8 years of her life studying all the Grove had to offer her about mechanics and nature and the universe. She was born curious and as such, was determined to learn everything and anything she could get her hands on. After her time in the Grove, Ceara left, off to find new teachers and extend her knowledge further. After the Grove cane Beigarth, a famed norn smith. He gladly took Ceara under his wing, seeing her genius and potential. For a year, she trained under him, his best student. Then, much to his dismay, she left, feeling she had learned all he could offer about what she wanted to know. She moved south, going to study under iron legion gladium and demolitionist Asagai. Asagai was an old charr, and it took some convincing on Ceara's end, but she eventually took the sylvari in and taught her about gunsmithing and artillery. And after two years, Ceara moved on again, this time heading for Rata Sum and its colleges.
The asura of Rata Sum did Not like Ceara. She had to fight to be allowed to study at the colleges. She won in the end, being admitted into the college of Dynamics. Within a year, she finished the course work, and, feeling like she was finally getting somewhere, she applied again, this time getting admitted to Statics. Two years and two colleges down, at the top of her class both times, Scarlet still wanted more. The Arcane council was curious now if she could keep this streak up, so they let her enter Synergetics. This was what she had been looking for, and she got deep into her studies, taking her time. The Arcane council was unimpressed with her work at best. While not driven from the colleges, she found herself being walked off and looked down on more and more, so she sought other sources. These other sources, both of knowledge and support, came from the inquest, and it wasn't long before she fell in deep. It didn't last, however. When the krewe she was working with ran into trouble, she was abandoned as a scapegoat, and thrown out of the asuran colleges. She wandered on her own for a while, taking the time to study alchemy with the michotl hylek, but mostly keeping to herself. Until Omadd found her, pulled her back into his personal research, and, with her help, built Omadd's machine. Once it was finished, Ceara walked in, and Scarlet walked out.
Sexism in STEM means that people perceived as female are often perceived as knowing or understanding less than they actually do. It's because of this that you'll find young cis male students in STEM classes trying to correct or speak over their female presenting professors. It's why you'll find men at science conferences telling the women presenting for certain topics that they don't seem to understand the topic they're covering or grasp the basics that well, and then recommending or referencing books and research papers written by these women. It means that women will often be overlooked for internships, research positions, and grants. And that is the sort of thing Scarlet faced as a young woman trying to learn everything she could. She had to work for the apprenticeships she could get, and with Beigarth, despite how highly he thought of her, she had to work harder to prove she was ready for more each step of the way. Finding anyone to teach her at all among the charr was a struggle, until an older woman took her in. And no one in Rata Sum took her seriously.
There was more than just the fact that Scarlet was a woman at play with Rata Sum though. As stated, STEM has a bad sexism problem. But that's not all. STEM isn't just mostly men, but also mostly white men, and as such, the fields have a bit of a racism problem as well. Personally, I can only speak so much to this as I myself am white, have never faced racism, and never will face racism. I do know that the intelligence, skill, and effort of people of color goes largely unacknowledged. They will be denied the same opportunities and respect that their white peers receive, and their work and contributions will be ignored, exploited, and stolen.
Racism in Tyria isn't the same as it is in the real world, though it is still present there, and prevalent. And it is something Scarlet has to face and struggle with repeatedly as a sylvari. The sylvari are young and new to Tyria. Because of this, the other prominent groups all tend to think of sylvari as innocent, ignorant, and overly naive. The asura are especially bad about this. They already think of themselves as the smartest of Tyria's inhabitants, above everyone else. And when they first encounter the sylvari, the asura refuse to believe this new group could even be sentient. So, when 11 year old Ceara shows up at the colleges, the Arcane Council and the asura in general doubt she could possibly understand asuran studies. She's a sylvari, after all, and just a girl on top of that. There's surely no way she could keep up.
So when this young sylvari girl finishes at the top of her class in just a year, not once but twice, the Arcane council is intrigued. They don't respect her. They don't hold her work in high esteem. But they do want to know if this is some sort of fluke or if she can do it again. So she's admitted into the third and final college, and when she gets caught up in her studies, genuinely interested and invested in what she's learning and wanting to take her time to take it all in, the Council is disappointed. Never mind that Scarlet has already done what no other non-asura has. She took too long doing what she loved, learning, so the Council dismisses her, and dismisses her hard work. Her theories are looked down upon and ignored, and she is left with only support from Omadd, who can use her and her theories for his own gain, and the inquest. Omadd and the inquest make her feel valued and respected. The inquest let's her try anything she wants, it lets her really explore the fields of study she's most drawn to. The inquest makes sure to profit off her hard work and, when it comes down to it, the inquest leaves her to take the fall for everything. It's easy, after all, to pin the blame on someone already so looked down on by the society she's in. Scarlet is kicked out of the colleges and the city. She loses her access to information, her belongings, and even her own research and findings. All her hard work, taken from her because the inquest was more than glad to use a sylvari.
And then of course, there's Omadd. He was glad to have Scarlet as a lab assistant, and endlessly fascinated by and supportive of her work. So once she's gone from Rata Sum, he leaves too, taking her research and starting on his own personal project. He gets stuck, he seeks Scarlet out, and he convinces her to help him again. Once Scarlet is back on board, the project goes smoothly and the two construct Omadd's Machine. Omadd's. Despite being built off Scarlet's theories and research, despite her being integral to the construction of this machine, it's Omadd's and it carries his name. Funny how that happens, isn't it? And once the machine is up and running, he thinks Scarlet should test it first. Who knows what could happen in there, better to leave it up to the assistant to try it out, and frame it as her getting the honor of the first try. As we all know, it goes poorly. Scarlet learns so much more, all the knowledge she had been seeking for over a decade, but in return, the seeds of Mordremoth are planted in her mind and slowly take over, destroying her.
Now Scarlet, who has been used and devalued and disrespected and infantilized every step of the way, her whole life, is going to start tearing down the things that held her back for so long. She just needs a plan, and with the help of a certain sleeping dragon, one begins to form.
There's something I glossed over earlier that is so important to note, and that's how Scarlet was treated in the Grove. Now, it's been stated explicitly by Scott McGough, a narrative designer for the fame, that Scarlet emerged with lacking empathy. Low empathy doesn't make Scarlet, or anyone, a bad person. It's sometimes a symptom of autism, as well as some personality disorders, and it does affect how Scarlet is treated. As an autistic person myself, Scarlet very much reads as autistic to me, between low empathy, a one track mind, and an intense special interest in the universe and its mechanics. She has a hard time connecting with others, is easily bored by subjects that don't relate back to her special interest, can focus intently on and get caught up in her work, and doesn't really get social graces or expectations. Regardless of any diagnosis she would have if she existed in our world, Scarlet is treated differently due to her low empathy, a trait she cannot help about herself.
From the moment she emerges in the Grove, she is treated differently. She is talked down to. Her desire to take in her first sights and how it overwhelms her is dismissed as overconfidence and rudeness. Her own brother, barely older than her, talks like he knows so much more than her. Scarlet is an outsider among her own people. How does it feel to have low empathy among a race connected to each other deeply through empathy? Probably not great. Her studies in the Grove are limited, she is treated as rude and prideful for wanting to be independent and needing space. Rather than being accommodated, rather than being understood, Scarlet is infantilized, dismissed, and disregarded. She isn't neurotypical. She was born different. She's punished for it.
When she emerges from Omadd's Machine, made from her own hard work and creativity, Scarlet Briar is a young woman who has frequently been overlooked and rarely understood. All these thoughts and ideas, all this passion, and the only people who have ever even seemed to understand her have used and betrayed her so thoroughly. Scarlet Briar has always had to look out for and take care of herself, as a woman, as a sylvari, as someone who is neurodivergent and is in a field that doesn't respect a single aspect of her identity. The world won't accommodate her and the world won't take her seriously. So why shouldn't she show the world what she can do? Why not force everyone to recognize her for who she is? Why not give in just a little to that voice that has been calling to her in her nightmares since she left the machine? After all, it promises power and recognition and a sense of belonging.
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Art made 14th Feburary 2022
my unofficial owca uniform hc for a human au!
im gonna explain each part, so this might be long:
Yellow Band - Trainee, typically 14 to 18 years old, but occasionally 13 year olds join, and sometimes agents are held back a while. a 4 year training course. Trainees from 15 to 18 are allowed to get a nemesis, but are only allowed on nemesis missions. under 15s are kept only at HQ for simulated missions and training with their mentor. it’s values are drive, perseverance, curiosity, and commitment.
Green Band - Junior, typically 18 to 21. another 4 year course. Juniors are allowed on nemesis missions and low level group missions, but not serious ones. They are not allowed trainees, and are typically assigned a nemesis within a week of getting their green band. it’s values are integrity, ambition, faith, and valor.
Black Band - Senior, typically 21 to 64, 64 is the retirement age for the agency, although many agents usually die or retire early. Seniors can be put on any type of mission, and typically keep their nemesis from their junior or trainee years. This is also when they are allowed to get a trainee. it’s values are knowledge, justice, dependability, and empathy.
Red Band - taken from the fic Duty, Honor, Courage, Strength. the red band gives the agent full permission to kill at their discretion, but is only given to the very best agents. Few have this band, and none of them wear this band proudly, always opting to wear their senior hat instead. Red bands are required to keep up with their shooting range training to insure they know how to use the gun. of course, it’s values are Duty, Honor, Courage, and Strength.
Grey Band - the retirees, from any age if an agent is unlucky enough to need it early, but for the ones who retired from age, their typically around 64 when they do. Retired agents are allowed to return to HQ at any time and visit, although their still not allowed to tell their families. Retired agents are highly respected and loved by most- if not all- agents.
Orange Band - JOWCA, formerly known as The Academy before 1972. An agent-based private school for 8 to 14 year olds. Typically, the parents think it’s just a regular private school with great prices, but sometimes children of dead agents are put into it to be raised by OWCA, particularly if there’s no other nearby relatives to adopt them. Ranking is not by color, it is by band stripe and age. no stripes is a trainee, up to 6 stripes being almost an OWCA agent. They are taught self-defense, a lot of PE, survival skills like basic medical knowledge, basic cooking, sewing, but are also a genuine private school as they teach the required-by-law classes like maths, english, etc. It’s values are Youth, Focus, Determination, and Hope.
Brown Band - CWCA, or Agent College. not required and not often taken, but offers degrees of expertise in certain fields, like escapology, and a degree for agents who want to become higherups at OWCA. this is what Monogram had to do to become a Major at OWCA. 1 to 4 band stripes based on year (freshman, sophmore, etc)
there’s three others, Purple for Survelliance, Suppliers, and occasionally Interns. Blue for cybersecurity, forensics, and others in that area, and White for administration. White bands are the only ones capable of accessing the most secretive files in the database.
Now, onto the arrow comments:
The hat is the only actually assigned piece of uniform agents are required to wear, aside from “clothing of some sort”
Agent’s hair is usually slicked back or tied to avoid it getting in their face during fights
the fitted waistcoat, dress pants, and dress shoes are for the aesthetic, but the agents know the shirt is just going to get wrinkled again. the rolled sleeves are partially for aesthetic & comfort, but also because i refuse to picture the sleeves down.
the shooting gloves or whatever their supposed to be called is partially for the aesthetic, partially for comfort, and partially for red bands to shoot easier
The agents are mute at work to avoid a voice ID, and to avoid getting any information out about their families or personal lives. it also helps with being interrogated by villains for information about the agency.
the colors of the uniform match the codename, as agents are typically named after their appereance, personality, or a personal reason, so they get to match their uniform to play into that. Hence Agent Fox having a fox tail pattern on his tie.
Junior and above agents carry concealed knives for saftey, but red bands get a gun to conceal as well, typically one of their choice.
Agents with vision problems (bad eyesight, photophobia) wear contacts or goggles to avoid breaking their glasses constantly. Perry wears contacts canonically, human Peter in my hc wears goggles as he’s photophobic
the Junior agency and Agency College aren’t required to join, but both give extra benefits to joining.
Some agents work only the night shifts, like fox and probably owl. this once again plays on their codenames. Usually, night shift agents show up either in a tired attempt at their uniform, or just in their pajamas.
#art blog#art#my art#pnf#p&f#phineas and ferb#OWCA#OWCA agents#O.W.C.A#the organization without a cool acronym#tw guns#tw knives#tw gun#tw knife#tw death
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an update and primer:
so the last winter was weird. I had a complete breakdown, went into psychiatric hospital for 40 days in total. two seperate times.
learnt a heap of new things, met a tonne of cool people and had amazing conversations and few fights but overcome my own demons by that.
brain speaking-I have a scarred brain stem and neurological disorder is not a mental diagnosis, but a neurological disorder, proven by MRI scan, ADHD.
also damage to my basal ganglia, and prefrontal cortex.
neurological diagnosis means ADHD is not a "mental" health issue, as some believe, rather a neurodevelopment disorder caused by structural differences in the ADHD brain.
other neurodevelopment disorders include: Tourettes, Autism, Cerebal Palsy, Dyslexia and other Motor and Intellectual Disabilities. (Which recieve, in my view, a lot of insight, media information and stigma reduction by the advocacy networks surrounding these types of disability).
Over the last few years Autism has been over everything, I've seen mainstream media cover Tourettes and yet ADHD is still HUGELY misunderstood, misconceived and misrepresented in media, be in from the angle of documentaries, personal insight of a "typical" case, films, tv, and other media.
one of the first things my dr told me was "in females it rarely presents as hyperactive red-cordial OD child"
which is what my mother BELIEVES, that is because I have an adopted cousin with the ADHD dx who was that growing up, but the representation I'm told is also divergent for women with a higher IQ score than the average IQ. I come in around 142 and tested 123 at age 3 when I was unable to focus, pay attention and had severe trauma. I tested 142 in grade 8.
I'll share my experience as a female who is intellectually gifted, with higher IQ than average, and an adhd brain:
I've been told gifted and talented "genius" children are harder to diagnose because the symptoms present differently, we hide it better (camouflage) and our focusing can be "faked" by mediocre efforts of academic success.. this is true, I would do the assignment the Sunday night hours deadline, last minute, or have my parents half do it for me, plagiarise it (fuck I've killed my whole academic career now) copied but changed my words
from old 1970s encyclopaedias I KNEW they couldn't cross reference (I went through 15 years of school never studying doing homework or assignments and still had top grades).
I literally did not listen, and spent my classes planning the end of the world survival strategies with my GT friend who, basically helped me with my calculus and hard fucking maths, which was the ONLY 50 minutes of the day I put attention into my work.
now I'm going to be heading back to full-time study in the coming months, I get anxious as the pressure of a Bachelor level degree, and the pressure it takes me to perform, is enough to break me down. I've been advised it might be wise to start light (like a basic vet style diploma) and then build up, which is logical, but I keep thinking I'm meant to be doing my thesis by now. which is the kind of pressure one gets as a kid who is told repeatedly, "your intelligence is exceedingly the average and you can do ANYTHING you want"
I wanted to be an astronaut, a storm chaser, and an architect, a town planner and then a journalist. I always held to being a "FBI agent" or spy (I wonder why). so when I found psychology is really a blend of all these things, I kinda found a niche in a psych and social science double degree. but I'm thinking my academic career is LIFELONG, and due to the fact I also want to work in my field alongside my many written thesis coming, I'll be in academics for a long time. I may fail a few things, which I have to come to terms with. I do not fail easily, or readily, but I'm a perfectionist type-a academic who will put my whole life on the line to achieve "merit". I get exams, I get assessments, I read journals super-easy, I talk the talk and walk the walk so well psychologists who are at masters level compliment me on my "knowledge".
when it comes to mental health and trauma, I will always have the personal attachment, called lived experience, which will make failure and burnout, 100 percent realistic. I have to boundary up, bootstraps on, and prepare that yes, my personal "bias" will probably be entwined in this.
which is why I'm looking at the social science for the statistics and thesis writing side of things, and the counselling for the trained therapist side. either way, the degree of counselling requires so much self-insight, and then the social-science will back me away from personifying it. the other choice is criminology, which leads to forensic psychology, which is eternally fascinating. my main concern is the pro-pedophile content Ill be up against, which will look at the anatomy of a shoplifter akin to the devil, and leave the pedophile in the DSM-5 dx "paraphilia" box.
I'm not joining or jumping to anything.
either way I've got 2 year of credit, a heap of pathways and a lot of "academic momentum" from all my life being aimed to be "academic powerhouse". I went through my files and found a lot of awards I'd won in my high school, and top place in the competitions we would be entering in. I remember feeling so sad if I had a "credit" vs a distinction or high distinction, only to see now, a credit in university maths in year 9 is a skillset I don't have anymore so, good on me. or a credit in English, or Science at that age was pretty impressive, considering these tests were random and not studied for.
just a general skills assessment only the top 30 kids in the year were to take on a year by year basis and put out to vet from the top universities and taken by other kids in the same grade around the state.
it puts so much focus on my intelligence, because it's primed to be that way, I know that is true. I know I feel good being academically successful and it gives me a feeling of "achievement" but is it really for me?
I also found 2 letters from my local politicians offering me job placement, work experience and I was 1/4 kids in my 10th grade graduation tom get the letter, and due to my behaviour I pissed ALL the idiots who bullied me off. I was "too pretty to be a nerd" "too smart to be pOpUlAr".
so I made a group of misfits, who are all highly intelligent, creative and my group had the ONLY gay male in the school AND THIS IS BEFORE YOU FUCKING RETARDS MADE IT "COOL". he was bullied badly, so fuck you, you fucks claim "liberalism" but I bet you were the type of idiot who bullied guys like him in high school while you pretended to like my chemical romance and fake cut yourselves. I hate you all, forever.
my grade was full of idiots who were fake emo, who left the scene the moment the scene changed to dub-step and club music. I was there, watching you all, like sonny Moore, went from FFTL to that dubstep skrillex shit he started in 2009.
I dated you, hooked up with you and I went to your gigs. I know who was real and who was fake. I met some of you years later and realised the more emotive ones were the less "alternative appearing".
I can say 1/10000 emo guys from the 00s were genuinely Into the music and scene for the right reasons based on my dating history and this can and will be analysed statistically using SPSS one day to prove a lot. I've had too many relationships from each sub-culture and I have had 4-11 males at a time per public "output" of my energy pursue me over life.
I'm not being cocky when I say I have a long line of "suitors" and its banked back about 50 men. it's been a thing I've avoided as it seems to grow based on my body shape, attitude, appearance, so I am currently out of touch with dating scenes, no interest to try that ANYWAY, given the fact that I have had so many LONG TERM relationships ANYWAY. I can't see another one going well, and at this case, I'm living with an ex but we never went on conventional and now our families label this 3 things: "asexual", "polyamorous" and "open relationship". I'm also "bisexual" but this all to humans outside, looks ridiculous on paper. (wild orgies and lots of swinging or some stupid sex magick probably is what J brother literally thinks we do).
bc humans are intrinsically designed to need to label things they don't understand. we share a lease, not a relationship, and fucking polyamorous, I WISH. there are no girl-girl-guy 3 some, or orgies, or sex magic parties.
this has changed the attitude and perception of this "relation' which Is non-romantic, non-sexual. he can date and likely, will, as can I , and I likely won't date.
I would say 14/15 have had ADHD, or other mental illness and or trauma. which means to me, nothing at all.
I think this "open book" non romantic relationship style of "friends and roommates" not sexual.
attachment is misunderstood by others but works well fro my adhd, meaning I'm not expected to marry, or be a wife in any capacity. he is free to do what he wants, as I am, and open communication is a novel frontier I brought into this in the start, and stayed with for the duration. we fight, but I fight with a lot of people in my life over many petty things. also down to my adhd, I believe, I have rejection sensitive dysphoria, which makes me hypersensitive to rejection, perceived or real.
im not sure if this is trauma or adhd or both. but
I have used sexuality as a weapon in many relationships but it cannot or will not be used here, so I have had to resort to uncovering parts of myself which I never knew, which will stay with me even if he decided to marry and wife up in 5 years, which I'm okay and expecting him to do, and I would much rather that then be trapped in a situation where I cannot be that "wife/mother archetype" as I'm too "femme fatal/other-woman/sex-laced seductress and siren" a "FWB, unicorn, drug buddy, hook-up where im a therapist" or "intellectual and cognitive mind-bender work-study obsessed woman".
both at once and many types of human, including one who is a full-time ceremonial magician of 7 years. I will drink, drug, fuck, fight like males and still be more feminine and high maintenance than 89% of women. I grew up a tomboy and don't mind getting into fun, adventure based situations, like hiking, or anything adrenaline, I would only be reluctant to eat weird shit.
I also have many "neurological" issues including ADHD, and trauma which causes a rupture in the average human and I dating.
I'll tell you how many men have said "you are the unicorn" and then realised what that means, I went as far as canvasing the PUA world back in 2014 after reading the game, a book on PUA, which is essentially, pick up artistry, based on NLP and hypnosis. I did this after reading the copy my ex in 2008 handed me before we dated saying "I gave this up for you". it took me years to open the book, buy when I did I truly believed the only way I would fall in love again, was through PUA. that failed in so many ways but gave me a training foundation for men who were candidates for that, I have trained up J, and the way that sounds is BAD. I know, but I got a lot of value myself, I just don't see it how I wanted to see it.
but that was my original intent, and I achieved this he knows that, knew it was happening and evolved for the best self.
I am thinking we can modulate this into a business model for how I was operating in the BDSM world was mainly psychological, not physical.
I get told all of is incredibly intimidating (I am told) to women and men.
I don't really care anymore, because people have always seen this part of me in the wrong way ANYWAY, but I own who I am NOW. which is what I needed ANYWAY. so it cannot be stolen again, and sexual healing has come from abstinence ironically.
I also don't care what or who is trying to tear up my relations, toxic or not toxic, all people around me will be on a healing journey by default, or cut out of my life, for I am radiating that energy so brightly its impossible NOT to feel that pull.
I will drag your shadows into the light, and make your secrets spin from your lips into my consciousness. its not what I do but its what is design.
I make your weaknesses mountains to climb over. you cannot hide from these in my presence, I won't be this controlling or obsessive female who wants 24-7 attention as I have a life full of meaning without love or sex. I don't want to be wined, dined or expensively gifted, unless specially requested.
I don't want love letters or romantic declarations, this isn't some femnazi bullshit, but it triggers me. I appreciate the efforts and won't make you feel bad about your insecurities, for mine are probably 30 x more pronounced.
I appreciate small things, that most males won't or don't know how to do. like remembering things I've said and being thoughtful. or knowing my silence isn't personal, or a game, but a protective wall. I've had songs sung too me, guitars played, songs written, or things made in ways that are heartfelt. but I've always had them used against me too. so it is the context. I value time, energy, conversations of depth and reciprocal exchange. I also value trauma understanding, my alters and fragments being accepted and valued as me as a whole and a person who is not afraid, or scared of stupid stuff like sensitivity, emotions, feelings as raw as my own. men feel intensely too, lol.
but will only give oral sex 100 times before I don't recieve it, I can communicate now so that wouldn't happen.
but I won't be a bitch about this stuff. I am extremely feminine and care in ways other people, do not, I forget nothing people tell me, so it can be a reward or reverse uno card pull in a fight, but I am not evil or deviant in my relations. I react, depending on how you treat me. I don't need your money, or providing source of income to be okay as I am my own queen, however sharing resources is okay to build something. I don't need to be seduced, but will need to be shown a person is trustworthy.
few cross that.
that will always be time-endurance and testing. there are ground rules I don't play with, or play games. or like being forced or forged into something I'm not. I know abusive and I know safe, and I am a psychology expert, trained psychotherapist and study humans for fun, so I'll always be analysing things.
and I know red flags and I know ego, I know how to placate and please and pleasure, but will only do so, for a bigger and better reason than the mere act of seduction. which is without value and transactional to someone like me, I won't lie.
and I know every tactic in the book, for the book was written by someone like me, many lives ago, and my karma is being burnt for that book.
in terms of walls, I have many, may it be called a maze. or labrnyth.
I will teach you things you never thought you'd know, and change your life in ways you won't ever be able to go back to before. I will blow your mind, sexually, emotionally, intellectually, on all levels, and I'll make your friends and family love me.
I'll bring your walls down and you won't be able to understand this, because you don't understand me, and thats ok.
but I'll always understanding you and make your life better because thats what I do anyway, and people talk to me about things I will never share, as I keep secrets. I am jealous, of everything but, only because I am attached in a disorganised way, and working on that.(I won't even mention how man women or men don't know basic psychology of themselves). I also am a therapist , for my friends and family too.i should not be , but I am. I care, I listen, If you think I'm not listening, I'm still listening. sometimes I interrupt, because I have ADHD and I am horrible at resolute planning, or being "normal". but I don't want to be normal anyway. I need you to recognise and understand my shit, for that is what I do for everyone in my life, and I have helped more than I receive.
I'll probably accidentally give you therapy, but thats fine, because you will uncover your depths and find meaning in this. it's not something that goes bad unless you are fundamentally, evil, even the most abusive relationship I was in, was benefited from this process. yes he's still narcissistic, but he is self-aware. and did I benefit, never, just know the anatomy of self-proclaimed narc and I still can't hate him. will get my civil claim one day.
I will fuck your mind without meaning too. but thats because I fuck my own mind. but the meaning is made in the man- some find this highly offensive or personal (its not). I fuck minds by my own overthinking, or over perception on many levels of reality. so join the ride, or don't come along at all. because once the rollercoaster is in motion, I have no control of what may or may not happen. it's purely experimental.
I am experimental.
and the women who are judging me, are not any better.
look within, and shut the fuck up. self-improve and quit this jealous divide and conquer bitchiness. I HATE gossip, bitches, snitches and fakers.
I look to other women who are intellectually, physically and spiritually "individual". and find value in superior status to my own, which is something my narcissistic ex taught me.
I look for mentors, and teachers and people who will teach me how to improve myself, which I am fearful to reconnect after something is amazing and I can't give anything back of positive value. I am sorry I am working on that.
I won't devalue those below me, but I also need to be mutually benefiting from a relationship.
I dont drag people down, I may disappear if I feel I am doing this by mistake. I am flakey as fuck, and sorry for that. its anxiety and lack of perfectionism, so I am wrong and bad for this. I can change. will change.
if you can find value with my relation, personal professional or romantic, we can move into a symbiotic beneficial agreement based on mutual "terms". but many won't or cannot see this, nor do I impose my bullshit into the lives of randoms at this age.
I don't care if this is cruel, it's real.
I value loyalty, compassion, self-insight/awareness, someone who understands all parts-spirituality, metaphysics while still having intellectual & logical & analytical brain-sight.
I enjoy music, magick and learning new things.
I do not care about appearances I dont think ive dated based on one time. I do value connections and chemistry which is far-few between, I hate fakers. I smell insincerity miles away. but I do respect women who are well-presented, or beautiful, with hair beauty and makeup, I can't do this shit well, so I look up to those who are in professions who do it like art. I find them to be genius level queens who scare me.
I call out bad behaviour and make people uncomfortable if they are repressed. I will change you without even meaning too, I don't even need to date you. its just my presence, over time, amplified by the intensity of the dynamics.
I don't want simplicity, but I also don't need over complexity.
I value passion, independence, creativity, curiosity, problem-solving, deep-disscussions, shared adventures and some occasional risk-taking (lol), sensuality and sexuality for a common cause beyond physical pleasure. I like being taught but not micromanaged. I need my own independence, and need to be trusted with that. I hate being scolded for that like a child, or being pushed to change my ways to conform to societal values. which I will push back and refuse to do. which is not healthy. I don't adult like many others do, but I try to proceed in other ways. and learn to adult like normal people, accept me.
I also value myself, and how I can be celebrated, enhanced and improved vs. the opposite.
I give space, and have boundaries, and understand human psychology, sexuality and relationships in ways few others unless they are trained, can do.
I value MY time. so you can have space to value YOURS. I dont need to be in anyones pocket for a long time. I love being alone, and being around people who are stimulating, but draining people will be drained out of my life quicker than I intend. I am sorry for the people who felt I disappeared, when I was only trying to be 'fair', if I feel I'm a bad influence, I will work on myself until I'm not. I'm still working on it.
I also use this psychology awareness, to enhance communication, connection. you may or may not become an accidental guinea pig. I will be upfront that I am experimental, but that is part of the buy ticket and take the ride. lets work together. not apart.
I am coming from a place of love, and love is what I feel for my animals, which you will be adopting as children.which I want to stop experiments being done on. I love love, in all ways, but hate cruelty of animals and children, violence and suffering. I dont advocate justice, because I find life is fucking cruel, unfair and unjust. by default, so I focus on myself. what can be changed, and what I am able to do in my own locus on control. I will always find myself drawn to the outsiders, the misfits, the vagabonds, the misunderstood. I want to help people who are society, or socially, disadvantaged by trauma and mental illness, but only when I have ability to help myself.
it's a journey.
I will not date anyone who is cruel to animals, outside of specify magical sacrifice, there is not any place for that. nor will I date or fraternise with anything or anyone linked or associated with pedophilia. I won't judge anyone on anything that are outside animal cruelty and pedophilia. I don't and haven't. I keep on good terms with every ex, bar 1 whom I only apologised too this year. it felt good to do that. I change my behaviour.
I am open, but also highly attuned to both logical, factual, empirical , scientific worlds, and spiritual, intuitive, psychic and the "collective unconscious". I walk in both these realms, and I am "conventionally attractive". which puts a lot of pressure on me, to be "stupid". I am always dumbing myself down to fit into normality, but I look ridiculous if I do that so I peacock my intellect.
only to be misconceived.
I give up because I no longer care how anyone but MYSELF can see ME. I won't dumb myself down , but I can enhance you UP. prepare yourself for graded education, evolution and self-growth on mass scales.sorry not sorry.
that sucks for the people who want to be living vicariously through me, for making up to lost trauma years, for family who sold me out for the success I'd bring home, or fake trauma enmeshed friends, or whatever they want or need from me. I value my time and energy, and have given that in abundance, and if you want to be with nut only "one part of me that is alters". I can't provide that now. not sorry.
I have to work on something or not be in a dynamic at all.
I no longer can switch on demand to adapt for you, it will not be effective and that upsets a lot of people. especially now I'm sober. harder to handle this, as I see the world for its ways and why it is, more vividly. I haven't had alcohol for almost 2 months, although, I could drink, I haven't.
I can't do it, anymore. it, being, faking, my selves fronting to impress. I can't. I have no more left to give, and I'm expected by everyone to be a way I can't do it in the way they want.
I will go to another year long outpatient DBT, followed by 10 weeks of A-C-T therapy, and however many ECT OR TMS may or may not help. I'm told it won't (ect) work. but TMS, is something I am open too. but I am telling you, none of this psychotherapy, that will be based on dbt skills, day therapy, intensive skills training, recommencing my studying, and resuming "life worth living" will or can wipe the traumas I've "recovered" memories for.
I will also shut the fuck up, and tell nobody about this if you leave me alone, I told that to my family, and this is open letter to the watchers, stalkers and perps who read this openly as I track the hits on here and have 200+ visits a day every day for the last month. globally. no idea how or who you are but I think its the same people who called the police for the "ayreon song lyrics" seen to be a suicide not last October.
thanks for that wake up call, I have shut the fuck up, since December, more so now. I will burn the journals, or lock them up.
my recovery is not linear, not yet fully integrated and I trust nobody so I don't think my psychotherapy will be deep, I focus on things like ADHD AND my EDNOS. and dbt skills. I won't be talking about sexual traumas.
enjoy the update, and thanks for the "attention".
I have my goals, my work, my meaning and what my life should and could and will look like, but I will not share that with anyone. that means everyone right now.
I've been tested, traumatised and terrorised to the point of not-tolerant of anyone who may bring that back, and banish the fuck out of my sphere every moment I need.
take me as I am, or watch me as I go, which I will go, where I am not wanted I will remove myself, but I will find where I am celebrated because I create that.
I will rise up against all adversity every time but that is survival and that created a resilient and brave woman, in me. who will not be destroyed or decomposed by humans who are fundamentally fucking evil.
I gift you my truth, in progression, and give up the pain of the past.
#I've seen the MRI#magnetic resonance imaging#brainstem#scarred#brain damage#adhd#attention deficit disorder; mental health research; children#ADHD brain#living with adhd#adhd woman#women with adhd#mental illness#neurodevelopment disorder#neurological disorder#brain disorder#about me#trauma#cptsd#complex ptsd#adjustment disorder#love language#complex trauma#dissociative identity disorder#trauma and adhd#trauma warrior#writing#tldr#mental health awareness#dbt therapy#therapy
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Autism Awareness/Acceptance Month
Day 5!
“Special Interests”
Have a quiet Autie in your life? That won’t last long if you tap into their special interest. We can’t shut UP when we find someone who’s genuinely curious about what lights us up.
Every older Autie I know has at least one special interest, sometimes several.
Mine? Dogs. Primarily.
And I mean EVERYTHING dog, but starting with behavior. Then in no particular order, health/genetics, various breeds and their traits, training....literally everything. Even the genes that define coat color & pattern, and what physical genetics are tied to behavior (if you’re curious about that, start with the Russian studies about domesticated foxes and what happened to their red coats, the more tame they became). It was horses when I was younger, but I soon moved to dogs when getting into my late teens (more affordable and accessible I guess lol). And if I don’t know the answer to your questions, we find out together, because I *need* to know, too. 😉 I can talk dogs with you literally all day and never get bored...which helps socially, too (I’ve mentioned that most of my closest friends are dog people) - I have a larger network of friends than most other auties I know, and it’s because of a shared passion for all things dog.
Then there’s the sciences, but particularly quantum & theoretical physics. I. Fucking. Love. Physics. LOVE IT. Unfortunately, my brain hits a wall with more advanced mathematics, so I can’t “do” physics on the level I want to. Luckily for me, my oldest son is also pretty obsessed with it, and he is now pursuing a degree in physics....so when he comes home, we sit down with his notes and he breaks it down for me (the language behind the experiment or action). I have pictures of his notes saved on my phone, for simply the silly reason that I like the patterns of the math (it’s the “universal language”, if you didn’t know), and like to daydream about understanding it. (He struggles with the math as well...we are both HEAVILY right brained...but he manages.) If there’s a documentary out there about physics (plus many lectures), I’ve probably seen it multiple times. Idk why quantum physics in particular interests me...maybe because it’s almost like magic. ☺️ Quantum entanglement fascinates me, and the theory that things aren’t what they are unless/until you observe them...I can get stuck absolutely obsessing over these things.
Nature/animals are the big background special interest that the specifics tie into, though (and this ranges from astrophysics to the life cycle and structure of an ant colony - and even human psychology). Concerning observable animal/plant nature though (and this is a big one for me), Sir David Attenborough is my hero lol- no one else answers the questions I have, and opens up the natural world for me, like that dude. It was Mutual of Omaha’s nature shows when I was a kid, now it’s him. Sorry not sorry, but a doc on the secret life of plants is *fucking riveting* to me. Science is my JAM! 😆 I am happy to recommend any docs to any other fellow science nerds (Through the Wormhole, The Elegant Universe, and Cosmos are all MUST SEE - if you’re a nature nerd, of course Blue Planet, Our Planet, Life...gosh. So many great series). When I get on a science kick, I get the same feelings I get when I’ve tapped into a difficult dog’s psyche, and we start to figure things out. It’s an absolute thrilling obsession, and I am very restless until all my “why/how” is answered. It’s never enough - I never know enough, and I never will.
It’s also an area where my perpetual 2-3 year old is consistently mostly satisfied. I mean that’s the whole scientific community in a nutshell LOL! “WHY?” “HOW?!” When I was a kid, I’d have to write down all my questions that weren’t answered by our Encyclopedias, and wait till the weekly library trip to find the answers I sought. Now, I have a smartphone and Google LOL....and I cannot even begin to describe how consciously thankful I am for that quick access to answers!! Questions will *eat me alive* sometimes, so answering them in a timely fashion is sooooo satisfying 😆
I guess I’m a bit of an artist/creative personality. I’m unhappy when I don’t have space to create....but that space is pretty damn large, because I’m into almost all of it (you can’t exactly fit a miter and bandsaw into your apartment studio, so I’m very grateful I have the space for the power tools LOL...)
From building things to fabric crafts, I love it all. I get way burned out if one of those things become a “job”, though (ehh except being paid as a regular employee of a historic renovation construction firm LOL) - something I HAVE to do. Then it’s not enjoyable anymore. I had started down a path of marketable creations, and they were in high demand...but then it became something I HAD to do for money, instead of wanting to do for enjoyment - and I haven’t touched that particular craft in 8 years or more now (which frustrates people, because I was good at it). 🤷🏻♀️ That’s one of those things I really can’t help. My oldest son seems to be sort of similar....he’s commissioned several pieces (and secured his first few at a VERY young age), but he also tends to get a little frustrated when he’s expected to create something, instead of the urge naturally striking him. The whole beauty and satisfaction from art - for me anyway - stems from pure imagination without constraints. When you’re doing something to please someone, it ceases being art, and turns into just...a skilled task you completed. That’s how I look at it, anyway. So even though I could actually make my art into a career (at least supplementary income), it ceases to be enjoyable for me *at all*, unless I’m creating something for someone who means a lot to me. That, and I really just prefer to give my stuff as gifts. It makes me feel good to see people light up with joy over what I’ve made for them, whatever it was. (I also do a shitload of remote training with people and their dogs, for free. I point folks towards the trainers I respect if they need extensive in person work, but lots of folks don’t have several hundred bucks to sink into understanding their dogs better...so...I just help where I can, now. I think it *used to* frustrate my husband, but he absolutely understands now & is cool with it.)
Oh. And rocks and minerals. I’m an obsessive rockhound LOL - and a cousin is a geologist, so he can break down how and why each is so unique, how it formed & why, etc. I’m actually currently converting a large yard sale antique wardrobe into a piece that can showcase Sir Tommy on one side, and my extensive rock and mineral collection on the other (waaaay not extensive enough, but you might be surprised how expensive quality specimens are. Take moldavite for example...fascinating thing...little chip of it about the size of your pinky nail will run you $20 +, because it’s rare. And yes I am fascinated by the metaphysical value attached to these minerals, and why that’s even a thing.) The way minerals form - let’s cite Aragonite as an example - just captivates me.
So I guess those are my main special interests! If you have a *young* Autie in your life, try to expose them to various things. To find a “special interest” is to find a way to ground ourselves. Special interests are a bit different than...well, I’m not sure what words work for stim interests that you can escape into for NT’s, but it’s less of an interest, and more of an obsession for us. It consumes us.
So anyway, EVERY Autie has a special interest. It could be science, it could be gaming (that’s a big one with lots of males, and not a small one for Autie women either, because it’s an escape you actually have to engage your brain in) or computers; it could be mathematics or art. It could be animals and nature. But eventually (for those of you with wee Auties), Your Pet Autie ™️ will find something that they absolutely obsess over & gets them excited to share their knowledge or creations with you. I encourage parents of auties to help them explore the world and find their niche. It helps us navigate your world, and find a way to be at home in it. It also gives us something to fixate on other than our bumbling attempts at fitting in to a world not built for us.
Circling back - if you know an autistic in your life that you want an “in” to get to know, start with their special interest. (Of course we recognize when you’re doing it just for the merits, versus when you actually want to learn something from us, but we appreciate both, really. It gives us a chance to ...idk. Feel important, maybe. At least that’s what it is to me, and my boys. We love to feel needed for our knowledge!)
Special interests are truly your “in” to an Autie, regardless of what their subject is.
So that’s MY take on the special interests. What lights your beloved Autie up?
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Digging Deeper Meme 🔍
I was tagged by @haztobegood, thank you 💕. I’ll tag @a-brighter-yellow, @finck-you-freeky, @jacaranda-bloom, @skyebyrd, @pocketsunshineharry and @disgruntledkittenface if any of you want to do this!
1.Do you prefer writing with a black pen or blue pen? black, always black. any other colour looks wrong to me.
2. Would you prefer to live in the country or city? I’m a city girl but I think the older I get the more I understand people wanting to live in the country.
3. If you could learn a new skill what would it be? languages, and maybe something like knitting that I can do when watching tv and not be on my phone playing games so much.
4. Do you drink your tea/coffee with sugar? i don’t really drink hot drinks.
5. What was your favourite book as a child? There was a series based in Edinburgh about a cat called Maisie that I used to read my granny and it’s a really fond memory for me.
6. Do you prefer baths or showers? Showers
7. If you could be a mythical creature, which one would it be? Centaur
8. Paper or electronic books? I love the practicality of ebooks but there’s something so lovely about reading a physical book.
9. What is your favourite item of clothing? my leopard print jeans.
10. Do you like your name or would you like to change it? I like the first name and my surname but not necessarily together.
11. Who is a mentor to you? I don’t think I really have one?
12. Would you like to be famous and if so, what for? God no, but if I had to, I think I’d be famous as a tennis player. They seem to all be pretty stable and able to keep their lives private but still living a pretty nice life.
13. Are you a restless sleeper? yes, badly, my sheets have usually been pulled off my bed by morning.
14. Do you consider yourself a romantic person? Yeah i think so.
15. Which element best represents you? Air.
16. Who do you want to be closer to? My family. I have a tough relationship with them at times.
17. Do you miss someone at the moment? I’m sixteen weeks into lockdown. I miss EVERYONE.
18. Tell us about an early childhood memory. I remember in my Grandma’s old house she was blending something in her blender and the lid wasn’t properly and the stuff went EVERYWHERE, dripping from the ceiling and everything. I think it was 3 or 4?
19. What is the strangest thing you have eaten? Haggis, which isn’t strange for me but probably is for everyone outside of Scotland.
20. What are you most thankful for? opportunities.
21. Do you like spicy food? Yes, not so spicy that all you can taste is the heat though.
22. Have you ever met someone famous? Yeah, I’ve met a few z-list celebs through work over the years, but my memory is pretty shocking so half the time I don’t recall ever meeting them.
23. Do you keep a diary or journal? Nope. My life is way too boring to write in it every day.
24. Do you prefer to use a pen or a pencil? pen. I can’t remember the last time i used a pencil to be honest?
25. What is your star sign? Libra.
26. Do you like your cereal soggy or crunchy? crunchy. I need to eat my cereal very quickly.
27. What would you want your legacy to be? That I was a good friend.
28. Do you like reading, what was the last book you read? I haven’t read a book in a while but it was a Harlan Coben I think?
29. How do you show someone you love them? Be there for them, listen, give them my honest advice and support. I’m definitely the ‘mum’ for people in my group.
30. Do you like ice in your drinks? I want ALL the ice. I like my drinks so cold it burns my throat.
31. What are you afraid of? disappointing others and genuine intimacy.
32. What is your favourite scent? My dad’s cooking.
33. Do you address older people by their name or surname? I tend to address people how they have introduced themselves to me?
34. If money was not a factor, how would you live your life? travel the world
35. Do you prefer swimming in pools or the ocean? pool. Too much gross stuff in the ocean and i don’t like the salt.
36. What would you do if you found £50 on the ground? try and do something nice with it, like take a friend out for dinner or something.
37. Have you ever seen a shooting star? yes.
38. What is the one thing you would want to teach your children? to be kind and open.
39. If you could get a tattoo, what would it be and where would you get it? i want a half sleeve of flowers and wildlife.
40. What can you hear now? Niall Horan, my fan, and my dad cooking downstairs.
41. Where do you feel the safest? in my bed.
42. What is the one thing you want to overcome/conquer? currently? my writers block.
43. If you could travel back to any era, what would it be? 80’s. Love the fashion and music.
44. What is your most used emoji? 😂
45. Describe yourself using one word. Direct.
46. What do you regret the most? Not being honest that I hated my university degree (I studied Maths) and secretly dropping out. I should have just switched to something else.
47. Last movie you saw? Watched The Equalizer with Denzel Washington and didn’t realise it was so violent 🙈
48. Last tv show you watched? Little Fires Everywhere, finished it last night.
49. Invent a word and it’s meaning. Prudging - subtlety nudging someone with a prompt you want them to write.
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10 Things I’ve Let Go and How This Has Set Me Free
By Sara Fabian
“I do not fix problems. I fix my thinking. Then problems fix themselves.” ~ Louise Hay
Looking back on my life, I came to understand that perfection was my worst enemy. I was raised in an environment of high expectation, and every day in school felt like I was competing with others and fighting to be the best in class.
At the age of ten I believed I was stupid just because my brain couldn’t work out physics and math. I was good with literature, arts, and foreign languages, but that wasn’t a sign of brilliance in the Eastern-European culture that shaped me.
Much later, as a grown-up woman, I didn’t see myself as good enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, or successful enough. I felt unworthy of being loved by a wonderful man, unworthy of getting a good paycheck to reflect my skills and talents, too unworthy to apply for a tempting position at work.
My life looks completely different today, and I embrace the new me with much gratitude and joy. I love myself as I am. I am happily married and doing what I was born to do in the world.
So how did this shift happen?
I can recall myself feeling overwhelmed after a long meeting at work, and looking for some inspiration to help me release the stress and feel better. As I was searching for The Secret movie on the YouTube, I “accidentally” opened another video that went straight into my heart: You Can Heal Your Life, by Louise Hay.
Today, I know that was no accident. The teacher shows up when the student is ready—so true! I was so touched and absorbed by that movie, I couldn’t stop watching. Listening to Louise was pure magic; every single word went straight into my heart. I finally felt home, in a space where it was perfectly okay to be me: “I love and approve myself as I am. I am whole and complete and life loves me.”
Over the next year, I discovered the work of other enlightened souls—Wayne Dyer, Byron Katie, and Don Miguel Ruiz—inviting me to precious moments of self-reflection and deep learning. Their teaching helped me to let go of old thinking patterns and cultural limiting beliefs that didn’t serve me well.
After much trial and error applying their wisdom to my life, I have found a new sense of freedom. Here’s how:
1. I’ve let go of the need to be perfect.
I am perfectly beautiful and beautifully imperfect, and this is what allows me to be me.
Perfection is an illusion—it doesn’t exist. I stopped stressing myself out trying to be perfect and now I am always aiming for “good enough.” I have learned to embrace my mistakes as much needed opportunities for growth, blessings in disguise that make me wiser. If I fail at anything, it doesn’t mean I’m a failure, because I am not what I do. Sometimes we win, sometimes we learn. We never lose.
“Your best is going to change from moment to moment: it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.” ~Don Miguel Ruiz
2. I’ve let go of the need to be busy all the time.
Being in a rush isn’t a sign of virtue. I have learned to listen to my body, and I no longer feel guilty for doing nothing. I know I sometimes need to recharge the batteries of my body and soul, and I don’t feel like I owe anyone any explanation for doing that.
If I don’t have time for myself, I make it. Watching a good movie, listening to relaxing music, reading a good book, singing, taking a walk to connect with nature—I do whatever makes my heart sing.
“I am a human being, not a human doing. Don’t equate your self-worth with how well you do things in life. You aren’t what you do. If you are what you do, then when you don’t…you aren’t.” ~Dr. Wayne Dyer
3. I’ve let go of self-criticism.
I pay attention to my inner talk; I don’t call myself names, and I treat myself with dignity and respect. I stopped telling myself things I would never tell a good friend. I am enough, whole, and complete.
I have come to understand that in life, we don’t get what we want. We get what we think we deserve. That’s why it’s necessary to believe in ourselves and see ourselves as enough and worthy of the best things life has to offer.
“You’ve been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” ~Louise Hay
4. I’ve let go of blaming.
I now know that each time I blame someone else, I am making myself a victim. Blaming others for taking my time, my money, or my love is unfair, because I always choose how much I give and to whom. No one can hurt me or upset me without my conscious (and often unconscious) consent.
Instead, I now take responsibility for the way I feel, act, and think. I am in charge of my actions, and I know my future is the result of my current choices. I am what I believe and whatever I choose to be.
“All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, it will not change you. You may succeed in making another feel guilty about something by blaming, but you won’t succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy.” ~Wayne Dyer
5. I’ve let go of judging.
I know that everyone is on their own journey, and my job is to focus on my own. I also know that each time I am judgmental with people, I’m reacting to something that bothers me about myself. If I believe you are mean, it means I can also be mean; how could I see that in you, otherwise?
“Placing the blame or judgment on someone else leaves you powerless to change your experience; taking responsibility for your beliefs and judgment gives you the power to change them.” ~Byron Katie
6. I’ve let go of making assumptions about what other people feel, want, or think.
I am not them, so there’s no way to know what they’re feeling and thinking.
I stopped making up imaginary scenarios and letting my mind play with me. Each time I find myself disturbed by what people do or say, I know it’s time for a reality check.
From “The Work” of Byron Katie, I’ve learned to examine the thoughts that trouble me and ask myself: “Is that true?” Many of my assumptions likely aren’t. For example, I might assume someone doesn’t like me, when really she’s just having a bad day. Or maybe she’s just shy. Not everyone is the same.
The moment I realize I can’t know what this person thinks, simply because I am not her, my mind gets clear and I am able to meet her with an open heart.
“I found that my unquestioned assumptions were the cause of all war and all peace in my world.” ~Byron Katie
7. I’ve let go of competing with others.
I now know that my need to fight is nothing but my ego’s scream for self-validation. I don’t need anyone to lose any game so that I can feel good about myself. I love harmony, collaboration, and win-wins.
I’ve stopped comparing myself to others. I choose to connect with people from a place of love instead of fear, and I believe in abundance. I choose to believe that we live in a supportive Universe, where there is enough of everything and for everyone, including myself.
“Love is cooperation rather than competition.” ~Dr. Wayne Dyer
8. I’ve let go of chasing happiness.
I no longer project my happiness into an imaginary future, hoping that someday, when I have that job, that house, that car, that success, I will be happy. I have learned to find happiness in the small pleasures of life, and I embrace the only reality that is, the present moment, with gratitude and much joy.
I stopped waiting for the weekends to feel like living because each day is a gift and every single moment is precious and equally important.
The day I shifted my focus from stressed to blessed, everything changed. I am thankful for everything I am and for everything I have: a healthy body and mind; a loving family; a few genuine, last longing friendships I’ve made over time; and a job I love and believe in.
“I have noticed that the Universe loves gratitude. The more grateful you are, the more goodies you get.” ~Louise Hay
9. I’ve let go of worrying about the future.
I accept that there are things in life that I cannot control, no matter how hard I might try. Each time I find myself worrying, I keep telling myself “Time will tell.”
I might not always get what I want, but I know I always get what I need. I trust the flow of life, and choose to believe we live in an intelligent Universe, where everything unfolds perfectly. Sometimes in life, even the time needs time.
“Life is simple. Everything happens for you, not to you. Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late. You don’t have to like it…it’s just easier if you do.” ~Byron Katie
10. I’ve let go of pleasing others.
I no longer seek external validation so that I can feel liked or accepted. Worrying about what others think is a waste of time. Other people’s opinion of me is all about them and what they see in me, filtered through their lenses; it has zero to do with me.
I’ve stopped expecting others to give me what I wasn’t giving myself: love, care, and attention. Loving myself as a whole—body, mind, and soul—is not selfish. I keep my cup full of self-love, and I take good care of my needs and my heart’s desires.
I have learned how to make powerful choices for my highest good without worrying about disappointing people. People disappoint themselves by setting expectations for who they want me to be or what they want me to do.
Saying no to things we don’t want to do is a learned practice and a sign of self-care. If it sounds like a “should,” I don’t do it. I go for the things that feel like a want. My wants come from myself, instead of being imposed on me by others. I always choose how I am spending my precious time and with whom. I know my time is my life, and it’s never coming back.
My life is about me and I have the right to make my own choices. Life is to be lived, not existed, and I choose to live it authentically, with no apologies and no regrets.
“Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.” ~Don Miguel Ruiz
—
My self-transformation into the mindful person I am today didn’t happen overnight. It’s been an ongoing process that required continuous inner work.
Today, I am still a student at School of Life, and every day is a great opportunity for new learning. I know that I have the power to create my own reality, by the way I think. So I make sure I nourish my mind with healthy thoughts, knowing my mind has power.
And now, I would like to hear from you. Are you holding on to any of these things? What’s preventing you from letting them go?
Not mine. This was taken from tinybuddha.com and written by Sara Fabian.
#this is one of the most inspirational posts i have ever read from the website tinybuddha#i feel that everyone should be able to learn some thing from this#sara fabian#tiny buddha#buddhist#motivational#life#life quotes#beautiful#mindfulness#positivity
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I've a small query (if it doesn't float your boat, no worries!) I was interested in how you got into learning languages, what led you to it? I've become curious since learning a new language as an adult has only increased my awe of multilingual folk (additionally, I vaguely remember a post about a request in exchange for a donation to charity, and wondered if there were any you'd like a donation to)
First of all, good luck with the language learning! It’s not easy as an adult, but I do think it’s worth it, both in terms of cultural fluency and brain elasticity.
My answer to the language thing is actually extremely complicated, so I’ll be putting it under the cut. I’ll put the charity stuff above the cut so more people can see it.
— I’d just like to warn you, though, before I start, that I have been locked in this house for over a month with no respite and I HAVE A LOT OF WORDS AND FEELINGS IN ME SO THIS POST HAS SO MANY OF BOTH OF THOSE THINGS!!
anyway
There are so many charities that I want to donate to now that it honestly makes my head spin. Every time I look at a site like GoFundMe it kind of makes me want to cry. So a lot of donations I’ve made have been to like local businesses, restaurants, etc. who will close down without help. (Also a lot of local native groups, who are disproportionately suffering right now.) I’ve also been donating to various food banks — Philabundance, a Philly-centric charity that deals with food insecurity in general, is a good one. That was a regular of mine even before the outbreak. I’ve also donated to a lot of the local services in the small town where I’m in now, though you’ll need to PM me if you want the name of that. (It’s… very small.)
Off Their Plate is another great charity that’s been working with small restaurants (who can’t open for business) to get food to first responders. They’re partnered with World Central Kitchen, which is another fantastic charity that helps out during disasters. Plus well-known ones like Feeding America, No Kid Hungry (important while school is out and kids aren’t getting breakfast/lunch there), Direct Relief, etc.
(I uhhh may have overstrained my charity budget the past couple months. It’s odd how that adds to stress and relieves it at the same time.)
I tend to avoid religious charities, especially Salvation Army, because they’re occasionally discriminatory in how they distribute resources and we no longer have laws & oversight to make sure they don’t do shady shit. So I just avoid them in general now. I also avoid the American Red Cross because they’ve been known to misuse funds. Research is key!
I also worry about some of my regular charities, like Immigration Equality & Rainbow Railroad (helps LGBTQ people in dangerous countries immigrate to less dangerous ones), the Native American Rights Fund, various local abortion funds, RAICES (provides legal services to immigrants & refugees), the ACLU, Dysautonomia International, the Rainforest Action Network, etc… A lot of them are getting fewer donations than they’re used to because we’re in the middle of such life-shattering events.
If you are really interested in making a donation (please, please, please do) those are all good options. I also fully recommend looking up needy organizations, services, people, etc. in your own area. I try to donate to a healthy mixture of national/international organizations, local needs, and temporary issues du jour. (Disaster relief, bail funds for protesters, fighting new discriminatory laws, etc.) I would genuinely appreciate any donations, especially if you find a cause near and dear to your heart that I would never even hear about. Anything along these same lines, y’know? If you have anything you’d like me to do in return, just hmu.
I constantly stress about who to donate to — there are so many good organizations and so few dollars to give them — but at a certain point, every dollar to a cause you believe in counts. Every dollar you donate helps to make the world a little bit better for at least one person. That’s what I have to tell myself to calm myself down, haha. So even the smallest donation you make to any of these groups would mean a lot to me.
Anyway, onto the language stuff:
For me personally, I grew up bilingual. Deafness runs in my family, so I learned sign language from a very young age. Note: I say “sign language” rather than ASL. I learned sign language kind of organically, which ended up making a mess later in life. My parents mostly taught me, but so did my daycare (at a deaf school) and so did my babysitters and so did other family members, etc. The point is, not all of them used the same sign language. There was a wide mixture of ASL, SEE, and home signs and my current signing style is… problematic. lmao. My family all understands it (hey, they taught it to me) and I can have conversations with American sign language users, but I know they can’t love my signing lmao. I’ve considered sitting down and taking a legit ASL class for years, but there are so many classes I want to take… I don’t know.
After that, it largely became a case of taking languages whenever they were made available to me. I’ve always liked them. We moved around a lot when I was a preteen so I went to a lot of different schools. (4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, and 8th grade were all different schools.) It was rough at home and hard to make friends so I guess I threw myself into academics a lot. My sixth grade school was an odd one; it was a 6-8 grade school and you were supposed to take a crash course in three different languages in sixth grade so you could choose one and take it in 7th and 8th grade. I ended up taking Spanish, French, and German that year. I liked French best! But then we moved so it was kind of moot. (And I hated German, sorry Germans. My mouth doesn’t like the noises. It didn’t help that my teacher was weirdly sympathetic to Nazi-era Germany…? But I guess that’s another post.)
When we moved to Florida, you had to have special permission to take language classes in 7th grade. (FL doesn’t have great academics.) But since I’d already had some Spanish in NC, they let me take it! And then I moved schools again. This new school, my 8th grade school, I’d be in until I graduated 12th grade years later — but the employee turnover at that school was almost comedically bad? I took Spanish for like a year and a half there and had three different teachers. So at this point I’d had 5 different Spanish teachers, all from different countries (where they spoke slightly different Spanish!), all reteaching the same ideas over and over again because they didn’t know where the last teacher had left off. In the end, my last Spanish teacher sent me to the school library with some textbooks because he felt like I was very good at languages and he couldn’t adequately teach me in the environment he’d been thrown into. (My high school was very terrible. So he was right.)
SO I SWITCHED TO FRENCH. I took French for 3-4 years in high school (can’t remember when I started) but the same shit started happening. By the last year, my French teacher had the French I, II, III, and IV students IN THE SAME CLASS and she just put the advanced students in small groups and had us do independent study. Sigh… Around this same time, I started three other languages. At this point, I was getting kind of accustomed to self-study so I applied for a Latin class in the Florida Virtual School and took a year of that. I also spent a summer studying at the University of Chicago when I was 16-17 and learned Middle Egyptian then. (Yes, I was an ancient cultures nerd even back then.)
The Japanese has always been an odd case. Like I said, my 8-12 education was fairly terrible. They had this thing where they used a computer program to teach kids math and the teacher kind of taught along? When I transferred to the school in the middle of 8th grade, the teacher didn’t know what to do with me so he just plopped me in front of a computer and told me to do as much as I could. They started me in… Pre-Algebra, I think? Which I’d already taken in sixth grade. So I ended up getting through Pre-Algebra, Geometry, Algebra, and Algebra II, which… wasn’t in the teacher’s plans. I’d kind of finished several years of math in like a quarter. And then they didn’t have any more classes. So he just told me to like. Sit quietly and amuse myself for the last few months of school?? (Terrible, terrible school.) So I went to the library and found a book about Japanese and started teaching myself that. I really, really liked Japanese! Like it’s a language that just clicks really well with the way my brain works, I think. It’s very logical, I like the syllabary, etc. And I think growing up signing helped me with pictographic languages like Middle Egyptian and Japanese. My brain easily connects visual symbols with concepts.
When I went to college, the plan was honestly to learn more Egyptian and start translating, and I kept taking French to help me read old research in various ancient study fields. I ended up transferring out of the NELC major, though, due to some ethical problems… I guess that’s another post. Several years into my RELS/FOLK degree I went to my parents like. Look. I love learning this stuff but none of it’s useful. Remember how much I loved Japanese? Can I go back to learning that? I could translate that and that’s a legit skill. So I applied to a program through my school and studied in Japan for a while and ended up really doubling down on that language. Weird how I came back to it years later, but I guess it was always the one I loved best.
I have a mind that’s very pattern-based, so I guess I’ve always loved learning languages and the patterns behind them. (This may be why languages with a lot of rule exceptions, like French, irritate me.) They’re like puzzles that I’ve always enjoyed teasing out. Unfortunately, the way my education bounced around meant that I never got a good grounding in most of those languages, so I’ve largely lost them. I can still read French fairly well and my Japanese is good… My Spanish is like. Enough to get me around in the southern US. My German is abysmal. I remember very little Latin & Middle Egyptian. (It’s been over 10 years, I guess.)
So I guess what I feel the need to say to you is that if you don’t use it, you will lose it. I did well in all my language classes. They’ve always been fairly easy for me. Like. Straight As, no problem. I don’t say this to brag. I say it so you know that even for someone like me, whose brain is fairly well-wired for languages, it’s very, very difficult to retain languages when you’re not using them. If you’re not used to taking languages or you started late in life, it’s even harder. So even on the days you don’t want to practice! You gotta practice! Ganbare! Bon chance!
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Chapter 4: Down By The River
A Post-Canon Inuyasha Romance/Adventure Epic
Find it on: Fanfiction.net / AO3 / Wattpad
Words: 2,105
Full Chapter List & Description is here.
Prologue • Chapter 1 • Chapter 2 • Chapter 3 • Chapter 4 • Chapter 5 • Chapter 6 • Chapter 7 • Chapter 8 • Chapter 9 • Chapter 10 • Chapter 11 • Chapter 12 • Chapter 13
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Inuyasha and Kagome made their way towards the river. It was still early spring, and the air down by the water was cooler than it had been in the meadow. A few of the younger teenage boys from the village appeared to be fishing near the bridge, while a little further along, three women knelt on the bank with their laundry, laughing and chatting as they worked.
Inuyasha instinctively turned Kagome away to walk in the opposite direction – away from the other villagers – before they could notice her presence.
The two of them walked along in silence for several minutes, neither of them quite sure how to restart their interrupted conversation. Finally, Inuyasha blurted out the first thing that came to mind, "You're taller now."
He'd noticed right away when he'd pulled her from the well. There were… other differences as well. She wasn't as lanky as she'd been in his memories. Her hips swelled softly beneath her strange modern skirt, and her breasts… He blushed a deep red, before ripping his thoughts away from the path they'd started travelling down.
Kagome, thankfully, didn't seem to notice his sudden nervousness at the turn of his thoughts. "Yeah, I guess I am. Although, I haven't really grown in the last year or so… Still, I doubt I'd fit into my old school uniform anymore!"
She laughed then, but all Inuyasha could suddenly picture was her as she was now except in her too-tight old clothes from back then. He blushed even deeper and was immediately thankful for the voluminous nature of his robes.
Kagome did notice his blush this time and decided to have mercy on him, changing the topic. "Is it possible that you're taller too? I mean, I thought youkai didn't age the same way humans did, but you look taller and… I don't know… your face is a bit different from how I remembered it in my mind."
She wasn't going to mention that his shoulders seemed broader and his jaw had taken on a squarer, more masculine appearance. It was her turn to blush at the direction of her thoughts.
"Yeah, I think those 50 years pinned to the Goshinboku caught up with me sometime over the past 3 years, though I doubt I'll look any older than this anytime soon." He smirked a bit as he spoke, glad that his changes hadn't gone unnoticed by her either.
"I never did ask you how that worked. I mean, I wasn't expecting Shippō to have grown so much! How old are you anyway? I don't think I ever asked you that either."
"Me? Well, including those 50 years, I'd be…" He trailed off as he made the calculations in his head. "…213."
"213?! Whoa. So if you're so old but look so young, how is it that Shippō's grown so much in just 3 years?"
"Youkai and Hanyou age at pretty much the same rate as humans for the first, uh, maybe 8 years or so. I think it's some kind of survival thing. But then, the older we get, the slower it gets until we reach maturity, and then it really slows down. Or at least that's what Myōga told me, anyway."
"I see…" A shadow crossed Kagome's eyes then. Over the course of her entire lifetime, Inuyasha would never age much beyond how he appeared now… and yet she would grow older and—
She couldn't bring herself to finish the thought. Instead, she looked away, towards Inuyasha's forest in the distance.
Turned away as she was, Inuyasha didn't see the look of sadness that passed across her face. Instead, he spoke up about another change in her that had slowly been tugging on the edges of his awareness, ever since he'd pulled her from the well.
"I think… I think your powers have grown, too."
"Huh?" Pulled out of her burgeoning self-pity, Kagome wasn't sure if she'd heard him correctly.
"The aura of your reiki, I mean. It's stronger now than it was before. I think so anyway."
"Really? That's… I mean, I never even felt my spiritual powers very much when I was back in my ti— In my mother's time." She corrected herself. "But being back here… I don't know. Maybe you're right? I mean, after my full powers were unsealed from whatever Magatsuhi had done to lock them away, I never really had a chance to explore them much before…" She trailed off. "And then, over there, I guess I was too busy training in other things to think about it much."
"Training? You mean like your math tests and stuff?"
Kagome smiled at the fact that he remembered something as silly as that. She'd always hated math.
"Well, yes, but no. I meant other training, too. I joined the archery club at school to keep up my skills and took a bunch of self-defence classes, as well. I even took a couple of introductory katana classes."
She didn't mention anything about all the research that she and her friends had done. Their fears and assumptions from that night two-and-a-half years ago were just that, fears and assumptions. She wasn't about to lay them all at his feet after being back for less than two hours.
Inuyasha just stared at her as she'd spoke. "You did WHAT?"
"Well, yeah. Ayumi, Eri and Yuka encouraged me to do it. You remember my friends, don't you? Well, they thought… I mean, I figured that if— When I made it back here I shouldn't just show up unskilled and vulnerable again, right. I mean, I know you're here to protect me but…" She trailed off feeling her face flush the colour of his fire-rat. She was hesitant to say anything else in the face of his incredulity.
"What is it, Inuyasha? Why are you staring at me like that?!"
Inuyasha jerked her into his arms, crushing her to his body. "Inuyasha, what…?" Her question trailed off with the surprise of his sudden embrace.
Inuyasha couldn't completely keep his tumultuous emotions out of his voice when he said, "You were training to come back? All that time, you never stopped planning to come back?"
"Of course I never stopped!" She said into the folds of his robes, "I never stopped planning or trying! I tried once a week, every week, Inuyasha."
Kagome pulled back slightly so she could look up into his golden eyes. "Did you think I'd stopped trying? That I'd just moved on?" It was her turn to be incredulous.
"No. I mean, I hoped you hadn't. But when you never returned and I couldn't get through either, I… started… losing hope." His last words were barely more than a whisper, as he looked down and away from her eyes, ashamed.
She gave him a slight squeeze so that he would return his eyes to hers. "The only reason I never lost hope was because my friends wouldn't let me."
"What do you mean?"
"Apparently, they'd been there at the well house when it disappeared. I didn't know for the first six months after I came back, and those were…" She closed her eyes against the pain of the memory. "Those were terrible months. Eventually, though, they made me explain what had happened and convinced me not to give up hope, to train and to keep trying the well. If I hadn't had their support, I would have lost hope, too. Three years is a long time. I don't blame you if you stopped trying to get through." She kept her eyes fixed on his, urging him not to feel guilty if he had.
"I- I- never stopped trying. I– Shit, Shippō's probably going to blurt it out at some point anyway, so I may as well tell you myself." He took a deep breath before continuing. "I've been trying the well every three days or so ever since it closed."
Kagome's eyes widened in surprise at his confession. "Every— Every three days!"
Inuyasha blushed at the obvious surprise in her voice. "Well, yeah. I mean, it's not like I was busy or nothin'. I didn't have any math tests to worry about." He said with a lopsided grin, trying to ease her shocked expression. He rubbed at the back of his neck in embarrassment.
Without another word, Kagome grabbed Inuyasha by his forelocks and pulled him into another kiss. Only this time there was an urgency in her touch that hadn't been there before.
This time, when their lips met, Inuyasha didn't hesitate. He wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her in close. Kagome released his forelocks and instead slid one hand into the hair at the back of his head, the other hand cupping the nape of his neck. He groaned slightly when Kagome's small hand fisted in his hair. At his groan she took the opportunity to slip her tongue tentatively inside his mouth, reaching out with her's to taste him.
'Oh, Kami! Did she just—? Fuuuuuuck!' On another groan, Inuyasha opened his mouth fully to her, deepening their kiss. And when her tongue retreated, he followed it back to the velvety warmth of her mouth. 'She tastes like she smells,' he thought. 'Sweet like berries.'
Kagome finally broke the kiss for the simple reason that she needed to breathe. She blushed furiously at her sudden boldness and was immediately grateful that they'd walked so far away from the village that no one else had been around to witness their passionate moment.
'You idiot,' she thought. 'You haven't even asked him about his feelings yet, or told him about yours and yet here you are shoving your tongue down his throat!' She berated herself silently for her brazenness and opened her mouth to apologize.
Inuyasha saw the contrition take over her features and before she could form the words, he interrupted her. "Remember what I said: You don't ever have to apologize for that, Kagome. Not ever. Please." He urged her with his words and his eyes to believe him, as a wide, genuine smile spread over his face. She couldn't help but smile up at him in return.
Linking their hands together again, they walked on, talking about this and that. 'I could listen to his voice for hours,' she thought dreamily. 'Oh Kami, please let this be real. Please let it not be another dream.' She surreptitiously, pinched herself on the leg then, confirming that yes, being here with the man she loved was, indeed, real.
Sighing happily, Kagome wrapping her free hand around Inuyasha's bicep and leaned her head on it as they continued to walk, hand in hand. Inuyasha caught her up on how the village had rallied together after Naraku's final attack. How he, Miroku, Sango, and Shippō had helped with the rebuilding efforts, and how in return they'd been invited to stay and settle in the village. He even regaled her with some of his and Miroku's more impressive youkai-exterminating exploits.
Before long, Kagome noticed that the sun was beginning to sink towards the tree-line. "Hey, do you think maybe we should head back? We've walked pretty far and Sango said that dinner would be ready before sunset."
Inuyasha seemed reluctant for their time alone together to end. He didn't want to go back yet. He wanted her all to himself. There was still so much more he wanted to say to her – things he hadn't yet found the courage to say – but he knew she was right. "Yeah, Miroku will probably tease us like the lecher he is if we're even a few minutes late."
Kagome laughed at that, and the sound of it – hearing her genuine laugh of joy and amusement – filled his entire body with a warmth that he hadn't felt in three long years.
"Yeah," Kagome said, oblivious to her effect on him. "You're definitely right about that! Let's head back. I can't wait to see Kaede-sama!"
She turned and pulled him back the way they'd come… and Inuyasha didn't even care that he would likely have the goofiest grin plastered across his face the whole way back. ⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯⋯ A/N: I do not own Inuyasha nor any of the characters created by Rumiko Takahashi.
I LOVE it when readers leave me a comment and let me know what they think! ❤︎
#sessrin#inukag#inuyasha#kagome#miroku#sango#shippo#sesshomaru#to fight for tomorrow#mirsan#inukag fanfic#inuyasha fandom#inuyasha fanfiction#kaede#kagome higurashi#higurashi kagome#inuyasha x kagome#sango x miroku#rin inuyasha#sesshomaru rin#inukag fanfiction#InuKago#inukag fanart#inuyasha rin#inuyasha fanart#inuyasha fanfic#sarah-writes-stories#sesshomaru fanart
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GET TO KNOW THE BLOGGER.
Can be used to get to know a bit about the person behind the screen!
TAGGED BY: @skulldxddy AYYYEEEE TAGGING: @pcrticlvcid, @flos-timore, @ofspoons, @chainsxwsmile, @builtperil, uhhH YALL
1. FIRST NAME: Adrian
2. STRANGE FACT ABOUT YOURSELF: I collect hats. I own 54 hats. I wear like 4 of those.
3. TOP THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU FIND ATTRACTIVE ON A PERSON: This HARD. On one hand bein ace doesn’t mean I can’t think people are attractive, on the other I experience all things in extremes so most people are really boring to look at to the point I never remember any details about their appearance (”like my hair cut?” “you.... you got a hair cut?”), or they’re very very noteworthy and I can no longer function in their presence (cause i wanna stare at them but thattts weird).
But lemme tell ya, I compliment people regularly, so here’s 3 things I notice and point out about people: Cool Hair, Unique Aesthetic (fashion, be it a singular accessory or every goth/gnc i ever meet--), Height (tols impress).
4. A FOOD YOU COULD EAT FOREVER AND NOT GET BORED OF: Sushi probably.
5. A FOOD YOU HATE: Mushrooms. Neurhg,,,
6. GUILTY PLEASURE: the devils lettuce................ And idk K-D.rama?
7. WHAT DO YOU SLEEP IN: Depends on the temperature. COLD: Leggings, pajama pants, sweater, beanie. HOT: shorts tanktop.
8. SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS OR FLINGS: uHGHUHGH,,, every relationship I’ve ever had was short and terrible. let’s go with fliiings! thats what I need in my life. a commitment free cuddle buddy.
9. IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN THE PAST AND CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT YOUR LIFE, WOULD YOU AND WHAT WOULD IT BE: You know there’s a lot of shit in my past that can’t be stopped, but RECENT PAST? WHY DID I SPEND ALL MY SCHOLARSHIP MONEY LIKE I DID. I COULDA MADE HELLA SAVINGS!! I WAS GETTING 5K A SEMESTER!! AND I SPENT IT! ON! FOOD AND SHIT! i had a job at the same time, my parents were still working, I do not see why I was spending any of that semester money man I smh I oughta kick my past selves a ss....
10. ARE YOU AN AFFECTIONATE PERSON: I yearn to be. I’m incredibly repressed and insecure currently, and I’m not sure if that’s going to change when I’m less depressed or if I’m gonna have to rebuild that skill. But I used to be the kind of person to hold hands with my best friend, snuggle during sleepovers, give hugs and kisses, sit close and link arms, generally just be super cuddly-- It’s how I like to be, but I think at some point I just started to assume people didn’t like it so I stopped. SUCKs Butt.
11. A MOVIE YOU COULD WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN: I watched mimzy over and over again as a kid, but nowadays, none, no, I can’t, I don’t have that aTTENTION SPAN---
12. FAVORITE BOOK: UHhhhhhhhhhhhh,,,,,,,, i have not read a book in a while, my old favorite book might not be as good as I remember.
13. YOU HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO KEEP ANY ANIMAL AS A PET, WHAT DO YOU CHOOSE: Raccoon.
14. TOP FIVE FICTIONAL SHIPS [IF YOU ARE AN RP BLOG, YOU CAN USE YOUR OWN SHIPS AS WELL]: Lets go nonxs based on my recent media consumption--- Chel.lDOS (redemption tailoring), Zifeng/Yanuo, Kirk/Spock, HarleyQ/KickinAss, UhHhh, okay and ClayJack my ultimate Jack ship I will crave for infinity...
15. PIE OR CAKE: Cake. Cheesecake specifically, but CAKE. Pie only has so many flavors I’ll actually eat.
16. FAVORITE SCENT: OOHhh GoDdd... I’m doing aromatherapy right now (another strange fact), so there’s a lot of good scents in my life... I really like sweets? Like I have a cotton candy body mist, and I like my smores candles.
17. CELEBRITY CRUSH: UHhhh....... UHHHHHH????? That feeling when you are so far out of the cult of celebrity.... Like I know some, mostly ones from Marvel, but I wouldn’t call em crushes. Can I say Whoopi Goldberg in the Sister Act? She was really pretty in that movie (so was the red haired nun). And I really liked those movies as a kid.
18. IF YOU COULD TRAVEL ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD YOU GO: The easy one to say would be Japan.... but to visit some of my online friends would be even better! Honestly, I find just going grocery shopping with my friend to be an adventure, I am sure visiting any of my friends in their hometowns, be they cities or small towns, I would find every day exciting. I have deep puppy energies.
19. INTROVERT OR EXTROVERT: Introvert. I get so tired, my friend has told me to take a nap mid-party before. But like, as you hear, I love parties. I super love socializing, but oof I do get drained. If I could sit with people, no-energy, no-obligation, free to chat or chill, that’d be the dream. And I have a lot of those with my best friend, except with the minor energy obligation of transportation and sometimes other people....
20. DO YOU SCARE EASILY: Incredibly. I’m a huge baby, incredibly squeamish, easily startled, easily paranoid. I’m scared of the dark still, I don’t watch horror movies unless the monster is sexy.
21. IPHONE OR ANDROID: fuck em both, i still have iphone
22. DO YOU PLAY ANY VIDEO GAMES: I’m primarily a simulator/rpg/sandbox kind of gamer. Animal Crossing, Minecraft, WoW, Starbound, Sims 4... Yeah. I can’t even play Mario or Left 4 Dead very well but like I like them?? Game with meee, I don’t do that much, it would be fun tho,,,
23. DREAM JOB: If I’m god damn honest I hate the idea of a job deep down in my soul. Call it bein’ lazy but man I want my life to involve somethin more than making money to survive, that’s all I’ve ever done and I’d like to stop. But being able to help others, being a resource, brightening peoples day, being involved in something that enriches the world somehow. These kind of things make a good fit for work, and if it pays good, and I can build a routine around a solid schedule, then I guess I could live with whatever.
24. WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH A MILLION DOLLARS: Do the math for how much I need to survive for the rest of my life, bare minimum style, then cushion that a little. Buy myself and my friends some nice things. Start giving money to strangers. Funnel it into important things that need to get paid for. Quit my job, travel, get extensive therapy, join fucking causes I wish I had the physical & mental resources for now, finally be able to put my passion into things again. Lmao money can’t buy happiness my a s s.
25. FICTIONAL CHARACTER YOU HATE: hmmmmmmm........ hate it such a strong word. I just keep thinking of characters I LOVE to hate or like characters who are obviously hateable (intolerable villains). But I wanna pick one I genuinely dislike, deep down, for reasons.
Lum.py from HTF,,, I just don’t like his design next to the rest. I mean I haven’t watched HTF in literal years but he came to mind.
26. FANDOM THAT YOU WERE ONCE A PART OF BUT AREN’T ANY LONGER: The Walking Dead / Game. Zombies just don’t really ??? click with me unless they have a gimmick now.
#games.#munagement.#munday.#[I SPENT ALL DAY ON THIS INSTEAD *CLAPS* ill do that reply tomorrow i g uess]
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╰☆╮ GREGG SULKIN , 22 , CIS-MALE , HE/HIM ☆ — wait , is that JAMES FOSTER ? dean lockwood has been looking for them . you didn’t hear it from me but , apparently the SENIOR might know something about the whole omega chi & kappa tau situation . while they can be IMPERIOUS & CHEEKY , they’re far too MAGNETIC & RELIABLE to be involved , right ? those who know them say they’re reminded of PERPETUAL GRAPHITE STAIN ON THE SIDE OF HIS LEFT HAND, MUDDIED 300 DOLLAR CLEATS, DIMPLED REDDENED CHEEKS & MOLTEN HAZEL EYES, AND AN ENGLISH ACCENTED VOICE WRAPPED IN VELVET whenever they’re around . honestly , the ARCHITECTURE major should try to keep their head down . after the events of last semester , lockwood is out for blood . did you know that JAMIE is a member of LAMBDA SIGMA OMEGA ? that might explain why their name is being brought up . ☆ CLAIRE , 20 , SHE/HER , & GMT +8 ╰☆╮
Full Name: Norman James Foster II Nickname: James, Jamie Sun sign: Aquarius Sexuality: Bi-curious
Birthplace: Albany, New York, United States Hometown: Prestwich, Greater Manchester, England Current Residence: West Hartford, Connecticut, United States Nationality: British-American (dual citizenship) Ethnicity: English (father), Ashkenazi Jewish (mother) Religion: non-religious, non-practicing
Character traits: magnetic, ebullient, reliable ( + ) // imperious, cheeky, preoccupied ( - ) Tropes: The Overachiever, Golden Boy, Big Man on Campus, Lovable Jock, Quintessential British Gentleman Muse Inspirations: Nate Archibald (Gossip Girl), Nick Young (Crazy Rich Asians), Miles Richards (Riot Club), Chris Evans Aesthetics: perpetual graphite stain on the side of his left hand, muddied 300 dollar cleats, dimpled reddened cheeks & molten hazel eyes, and an English accented voice wrapped in velvet Major: Architecture Affiliations: centre forward for the hworth soccer team, member of hworth engineers without borders, vice president of the hworth student association, philanthropy chair & IFC representative for lambda sigma omega
Hair: dark brown Eye color: hazel, mostly looks brown Height: 5′10″ (i know gregg is 5′9″ but pls, let him have this 1 inch) Distinctive features: dimples on both cheeks & a bright, puppy-like smile, a posh British accent that can either make you facepalm on how cheesy it can sound or swoon with how charming it can get
he was born in America, where his father met his mum during a business trip. he is an architect while she is an interior designer. they eventually got married in England where his got mum relocated to. which means he grew up in England for the most part (simply bc i couldn’t... give up... gregg’s accent ljkljkl)
named after his grandfather, Sir Norman Robert Foster, it is needless to say that there are a lot of expectations for James. Norman Foster is a big name in the architecture industry, for founding the current leading firm in the UK, Foster + Partners.
James has known constant pressure all his life, and has learned to live and thrive under it. as a young lad, he was expected to be sporty, leader material, and excel academically. James isn’t the type to be disobedient, and will do whatever it takes to make his family happy. so while other kids are out enjoying their summers and going on imaginative adventures, james was stuck in his home being tutored advanced lessons and learning how to properly kick a ball. since the popular sport in England was football (soccer), that’s what he was taught to play, but also eventually grew to love.
his parents got divorced just before his senior year in high school. he was given the decision to either stay with his mum or dad. he chose to stay with his mum, despite having to uproot his life in England and move all the way to America just before graduating high school. he was the only close living family his mum had left, and he wasn’t about to leave her all alone across the world. he still stays in contact with his family in England though, and goes back during breaks or summers.
it was probably his first act of rebellion ever, to choose to study at a university in the States, and not even one his family would’ve chosen for him. but it didn’t matter to him as much as he thought it would have. it felt pretty damned good to be making his own decisions.
though his family is a large factor in him taking architecture, he genuinely loves the discipline. he loves how it requires one to be both creative and logical, whereas most people are used to being one or the other.
old habits die hard, and overachieving is in his blood. he is just about involved in everything. student politics, sports, frat, academics, and outreach programs ??? plus he’s smart, kind, good-looking, and rich ??? (goddamnit i hate him,, i can never be him) the only downside is that he isn’t part of omega chi delta.
he got recruited to lambda in his first year ! still feeling giddy over defying his family, what was one more act of disobedience, honestly? he could almost hear his dad nagging him that if he were ever to join a frat in hworth, it should be the best, aka omega chi. surprisingly, he doesn’t really care. as with almost everything, he has grown to love the frat and would actually die for them. think of him as the big brother figure in lambda that everyone can rely on & runs to so he could fix things. he’s the philanthropy chair & IFC representative for a reason—he has a big heart and has a lot of love to give, plus he wants what’s best for lambda.
probably needs to take a break, but is honestly stubborn as hell to do so. his logic is that since he has been doing this circus of activities for three years and he has yet to crash and burn, why would it start now? (god someone pls save him !!!)
here are some additional fun (but important!) facts:
he isn’t really into parties, but would go to it for the sake of building & sustaining connections. he mostly just wants to rest during his free time (i mean, who could blame him ??)
his time management skills are on fire though ! downside is that he doesn’t have as much fun as others do since he is always trying to hold back
he is left-handed
he currently has three dogs. a black & white border collie named clyde, a yellow labrador retriever named coco, and a black & silver german shepherd named caesar. he has already lost two dogs—a red retriever named rusty, and a jack russell terrier named rocket
he is hella good at pencil sketching but has never been the best at painting
he freaking loves maths and sciences (i could never !!!) his brain is simply wired & trained for it
a natural-born leader !
he had his bar mitzvah at the Western Wall in Jerusalem
he plans to take his postgraduate degree at either MIT or University College London
can get alpha-like/domineering at times (especially in relationships) but he is a generally nice dude
believes in true love and all that. has always respected and been sweet to those he had been involved with, fling or serious relationships
if you’ve made it till the end, thank you so much for reading through, angel! here are some of his wanted connections ! I’m pretty much open to anything for James, and so if none catches your fancy, we shall brainstorm together ;)
#hworth:intro#heya loves!#it is so great to be here jdflgjlk#please do hit the like button if u want to plot with the overachieving golden white boi james!#or if you simply want to be friends with me that's fine too c:
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hey i literally suck at intros but uh here we go. my name’s wren ( ren’s cool too, whatever floats your boat tbh. ) i’m twenty-one, he/him and currently trying and failing to get a film degree. most of the time i’m really into pre-plotting interactions and established relationships, however i’m p flexible when it comes to plotting n all that and i’ll most likely spam you with a whole lotta headcanons in-between memes and vines that remind me of our muses if we get a plot going bc i’m an annoying fucker. below i’ve listed some stats, a little background / list of nonsensical headcanons and some potential connections for hanbin so give this a like or hmu if you wanna plot. ♡
𝙏𝙇;𝘿𝙍 —
is that a bird or a plane ? nah , it’s just MOON HANBIN . word on the street is that the TWENTY year old , CISMALE , looks an awful lot like LEE MINHO , but i just don’t see it . strangers believe them to be ABRASIVE and PERFIDIOUS , but their friends will tell you they’re DEBONAIR and INSOUCIANT . they associate themselves with neon lights at dawn, missed calls, feeling lonely at his own party & sleeping through morning lectures in a stranger's bed.
𝘗𝘙𝘖𝘍𝘐𝘓𝘌 —
name: moon hanbin
birth date: 10 / 8 / 1998
age: twenty
starsign: leo
hometown: seoul, south korea
pronouns: he / him
height: 5′9
romantic orientation: demiromantic
sexual orientation: pansexual
occupation: law student
jung type: enfj
𝙃𝙀𝘼𝘿𝘾𝘼𝙉𝙊𝙉𝙎 —
— hanbin was born in seoul to a relatively wealthy family, though riches & vanity far outweighed warmth in the moon household, with parents that viewed their marriage only in the most basic of its definitions, merely a legally binding contract that would cause only more strife if broken. raised mostly by nannies and his parents’ staff, hanbin spent his formative years feeling a stranger in his own home, raised within a place that permeated endless indifference.
— needless to say, the concept of relationships built off of mutual love & respect was one that has appeared foreign to hanbin from an early age, the results of this loveless & spoiled upbringing resulting in the formation of a persona one wouldn’t be mistaken in describing as cold, sarcastic & arrogant, perfectly practiced to the point of reality in order to hide his true nature.
— homeschooled until high school, hanbin found somewhat of a new lease of life once tasting ( relative ) freedom for the first time, the lack of attention & validation found at home leading the boy to pursue such luxuries in his teenage years by winning his peers over with his practiced charm. though only a semblance of genuine friendship was to be found in the growing social circle hanbin had accumulated, the unconscious desire to be liked & admired driving the boy to hone a certain skill of deception, an exterior that only revealed a fraction of his true feelings, that people were collectables, projects and conveniently expendable.
— upon graduating high school with relative success & moving to daegu to pursue a degree in law handpicked for him by his father, the air of superiority & general distaste for the majority of people surrounding him followed hanbin, though over the years the skill of hiding such traits has become second nature to him & many that only knew him in passing would perhaps consider him a jovial, albeit distant, individual.
— with relative lack of interest in his degree, hanbin has pursued other methods of making his time away from home worthwhile, a regular partier & president of his college’s law society satiating the rebellious streak he never quite outgrew and the continued desire of shallow popularity and admiration.
— despite his dislike of many, hanbin cares for & enjoys the company of those few he considers his friends, being the closest to his true self with them as he is capable of after years of sculpting a version of himself most appealing, yet still maintaining a level of distance between them and his true personality & emotions; with an unconscious fear of romantic relationships & emotional vulnerability, hanbin has never before experienced a real relationship, opting for a more casual route & often being flippant toward other’s emotions in these situations.
— but still, the hollowness of temporary & surficial connections has left hanbin with a ceaseless lack of fulfilment that synthetic pleasures & carnal desires have long since satiated fully, the idea of finding something real, a real kind of happiness becoming more alluring with each passing day.
𝘾𝙊𝙉𝙉𝙀𝘾𝙏𝙄𝙊𝙉𝙎 — ( note: these have been left purposefully vague / lacking in detail so there’s enough room for extra plotting and changing around the dynamic of the connection. )
— a best friend that knows hanbin better than anyone else, the only person that he truly trusts and cares for. maybe one side feels More Than Platonic™ feelings for the other but it’s unrequited because i love to hurt
— someone that sees through hanbin’s bullshit and they’re rivals of sorts. give me pettiness and constant trying to take the other down
— a bad influence to hanbin’s own bad influence, they either party too much or get involved in some risky business
— a hookup that gives hanbin a dose of his own medicine, leaves him on read and makes him feel like the one having to do all the work for once
— a step-sibling from his father’s second marriage, could be amicable-ish or resentful on one or both sides
— a dealer that hanbin strikes up an unlikely friendship with
— another student hanbin tutors although he finds the job increasingly tiresome and is lowkey tempted to just corrupt this other kid ( doesn’t have to be another law student i headcanon that hanbin would be ok at tutoring in most subjects except for math bc math is the devil )
— a roommate / flatmate, totally different personalities with totally different ways of living so there’s tension n shit
— an ex that hanbin left because he got scared of having feelings for once and totally ditched and yeah suffice to say it really didn’t end well and a lot was left unsaid ( this one really depends on the muse and plotting and yeah chemistry obviously )
#daegu:intro#intro.#i got lazy w this and rushed the latter half lmao#also i haven't proofread this bc i'm Lazy lmao so apologies in advance for any typos / incoherency i'm tired ok#me realising i called myself lazy in two consecutive tags: it rly be like that
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