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limerence0faloser · 3 months ago

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TW Venting

My best friend doesn't want to be alive and I've got caregiver burnout.

Context:

So I'm mentally ill, my family is mentally ill and most of my formative years were spent struggling. But since it wasn't that bad I don't consider it traumatizing, even though it very much was.

I don't have many friends, my small town didn't fit my open minded views of human rights so obviously kids didn't want to be around me. Eventually I got lonely, never did any normal friend stuff and still have yet to have dated because my standards for a decent person I can tolerate are so specific. Yet I know if I lowered them I'd just be making a mess I didn't want to clean up.

The only friend I did make that was real wasn't from this town either. He's like my brother, I've known him for years and hanging out and chatting casually with another human being is awesome after being alone.

But he has different problems, ones that manifest way more intensely. For my my brain shuts down and becomes apathetic, for him he freaks out, yells, pulls at his hair and hits himself and worse if he's not calmed down.

A few years into knowing each other I was woken up by a call in the middle of the night. He had attempted something, gotten into a fight with his family then got kicked out of the house. I had to talk him down. It was intense and so fucking scary but he was the one really suffering so why should I be so upset?

I thought it would be the last time. It's not.

I've had to talk him down from the edge so many times now and what's bad is that I know he'll do it. He gets so upset he becomes irrational and can't be calmed down and the only solution to his mental anguish is d3ath.

I've tried so much, so many things to help. I've tried giving him reasons, advice, support, and options to help himself. But he doesn't do it. He feels bad for how his behavior effects others but doesn't care enough to actually help himself.

He got kicked out for real this time while trying to just scream and let his emotions out. His parents are rich assholes that believe in the Bible and fucking crystals.

So obviously I offered he stay with me.

More context:

My family is very poor, we live in a small assisted housing unit and there is like 6 people all with various mental illnesses and neurodivergencies. Not a great spot, but we make it work. We've known him long enough that my family considers himself family too so even with the lack of space and resources we wanted to help.

Now he's in our living room away from his emotionally abusive mother getting help from my family. But there's only so much we can do.

We keep giving him pieces but he won't use them. My mother has taken on the brunt of helping him and even she is stressed and thinks we bit off more than we could chew.

I can't relax in my own home. If I'm off, tired, just not in a bright mood, he thinks it's his fault. If I try and talk to him seriously or get even slightly annoyed he freaks out. He gets guilty and goes out walking then makes himself sick doing it in the cold all the time.

Twice now, last night and just a few hours ago, I said a single thing and he had a meltdown. Enough that last night he had hurt himself with something he found outside and today I had to yell at him to get away from the kitchen knives.

Luckily my mom came and calmed him, but I'm so tired. I love my friend a lot I try so hard but it's never enough and never works. I'm tired, and more than that I'm stressed and freaked out. I know it's not his fault but a big guy getting hysterical and hurting himself is just fucking scary to witness. Worse cause I can't do anything.

I just wanted to unwind with video games but now I messed up again. I have to just stay in my room at all times unless I'm mentally capable of putting on a good mask and keeping my mouth shut.

I just keep spacing out and sleeping, trying to pass the time and recharge in the safety of my only space, my bed. My counselor said I'm doing everything I possibly can given my circumstances my mom says its not my fault, but it still kinda is.

I'm tired and lonely, wish I had more than AI and daydreams to vent to and get affection from. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place and I can't get out unless I'm prepared to go through hell, and I'm not. I just want to be content, not starving or sick or stressed or anything bad. Just okay.

I don't think anyone will ever see this or even read this far but I needed to get my thoughts out. I don't feel like talking anymore. Hopefully a nap with my cat in the middle of the day will help. I'd cry but I kinda can't right now. Everything will be okay eventually but God I wish time would go by faster. Wish I had someone real I could trust but other things will have to do.

I'll be happy in the future, I know that much. I'll be okay, I'll find live and the people in my life will get better. But God having to exist right now is exhausting. Best years of my life, can't wait to be old enough for cheap alcohol. (Jk, straight edge 💀)

Must have been how James felt, alternate reality vers

#blogging #my diary #venting #actually mentally ill #vent post #personal #Spotify

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menheratorium · 5 months ago

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𝐀𝐔𝐆𝐔𝐒𝐓 16𝐭𝐡 , 𝓕𝘳𝘪day

i wonder if i'll ever get better ? at the end of the day , in my mind , i am the most sinful creature alive . my existence itself is a sin , and i am being punished for it .

i feel heavy guilt for feeling & thinking the way i do . why do i feel bad ? why do i have the urge to destroy myself ? i am blessed . i have good circumstances in life . yet i squander it all .

it's an endless loop of self - hatred and self - blame . why do i hate myself so much ? given how blessed i am , i should be happy . but i am not , so i despise myself even more . a snake swallowing it's own tail , it what it feels like .

and the fact that i harm myself to cope with these feelings , it feels like an insult to those who are actually struggling . i have nothing that validates me , my only source of woe comes from within . i disgust myself , but i still cannot stop .

maybe a part of me wants to pretend that i am also someone worthy of love & underdtanding , feel a sense of community of unfortunate people . but i don't deserve that at all , because my suffering is artificial and undeserved .

it's funny to say that i'm undeserving of suffering , it sounds like a good thing . but i want to suffer , because it means my feelings are valid . but i have nothing of which to suffer from , and all that pain i think i feel -- it's all pathetically plastic & fake .

to be " artificial " " plastic " " fake " " pretend " is what haunts me every day . not a day goes by where i don't have these thoughts bombarding my brain , telling me that i will never fit in . not in real life , not online .

because no matter how hard i try , i'll never have what other people do , their humanity . i so badly want to be human , too . but i'm missing something that gives people their human quality . i don't know what , but i don't have it . i want it i want it so bad

i don't know if i was born without it , or if i had damaged or lost it somewhere along the way as i grew up . but as it stands , i'm just an empty husk of a human , pretending to be what i cannot be . it hurts so bad , being aware that i'm not anything at all , really .

for the sake of happiness , i bury these thoughts deep down , but it's useless because i know at my very core how disgusting i am . my form is a black sludge , shapeless , trying to mimic the form of others but always going to break down one day because it isn't sound nor genuine .

pieces of " me " flake off : they're all fragments that i have collected from other people , carfully chosen to craft an identity appealing to me . maybe my original identity was under all the pieces once , but it has long since rotted into black goo .

i seek validation for these feelings . i want people to recognize my pain . i wish it would be okay for me to desire such things . my attention seeking behaviors are manifested from such foolish desires , wanting something that simply , in principal , i cannot have , nor desire .

i don't deserve anything good and yet i enjoy it everyday and waste resources deserved by a true human . so many suffering , so many subject to bad things . if they had all i have , they would be happy . i am not happy . i do not deserve my life .

i want to destroy it all . all the good things i have . they don't belong to me , someone so ungrateful and horribly greedy . i am a black hole , always wanting more and more and more .

like christmas toys , " happiness " only satiates me for a day or two . then i need new " happiness " . i consume and lust for more , despite knowing it's all a waste because i am taking when i am undeserving .

i feel as if i must atone for my sin of existing by ending it : then i would no longer take what others deserve , i won't be an insult to true pain .

im so horribly confused and lost and so many thoughts overtake my brain it hurts and my heart hurts and i think i hurt everyone that contacts me and i should never have i am that burden but it burdens people the weight of suicide despite the death not being someone worthh they guilt of having known and now missing is a pain to have been brought this cursed existence cannot sustain doom doom doom doom

#𐔌 menhera:diaries ೇ

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buttercupjosh · 1 year ago

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Dear Reader,

The world is not better without you in it. It’s true, this world is not better without you in it because you and your life add value while you’re here. The things that you do, the impact you have just by being alive and who you are matters. It’s all easier said than done and I know that it’s hard and that you’re struggling and hurting. You see everyone else living their best lives and being happy and successful. You want what they have but you just don’t have it. It’s okay to carve out to path of your life in your own way. It’s okay if you takes you longer to get to that point. It’s okay to be different. You are loved for being exactly who you are, even if you don’t feel it right now.

You may not admit it but it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to feel broken and weak. We all have our own struggles and pain. Mental health is just as important as physical health and there’s no shame in seeking help. Don’t force yourself to suffer in mental anguish in silence. You are not a burden at all. There are resources and people out there who want to help and support you, even if you don’t feel like you deserve it. There are people out there who care about you and are grateful that you exist, even if you haven’t met them yet. Please keep holding on, there’s so much more to be seen and to experience that you may have not seen or experienced yet. There’s so many people that you haven’t met and impacted yet with your presence. I know that the world is so dark and bleak but there is a light that shines in the darkness and it will never go out. The sorrow and pain that you experience is temporary. Your life is important and is worth living, even if you don’t think so. You cannot be replaced. These words may not mean anything and they can’t save you but it’s the best that I can offer. I hope that these words touch your heart but it’s okay if they don’t. Please hold onto hope if you’ve got it. You may weep in the night but you can experience joy in the morning. The sun will rise and you can try again. Just try and keep trying. If you feel like giving up, lean on those who can help you continue forward. Please just hold on for another day.

#mental health #world suicide prevention day #worldsuicidepreventionday

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rainbowjigsaw · 2 years ago

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Random thought I've been having lately: I am at my strongest, mentally, when I am surrounded by people I love.

For so long, I was fed the line "you can't say you're truly okay if the only time you are okay is when you're with people" (inspired by that one post starting with you can't love someone unless you love yourself first). I always felt like it was implying that being around people is a "distraction" and keeps you from making progress on yourself. It's a line, I think, that comes partly from our bullshit individualistic culture (speaking as someone from the US) telling us that we are only responsible for ourselves, that our ability to show self-reliance is a means of showing strength. I also know part of the feeling that I need to deal with all my problems alone is a symptom of my own anxiety and depression, self-imposed exile because I have such a hard time admitting I need to accept help. Yet another part stems from many peoples' difficulties finding and maintaining meaningful relationships outside of family or romantic partners, that outside of those people (and only in the very worst of circumstances, mind you) admitting you need help even for the simplest of things is unappealing and something to judge another for.

But here's a few things that I think so many people just don't want to acknowledge:

We are not in this world alone.

There are things we are going to be physically and mentally incapable of doing by ourselves.

And,

We show kindness to ourselves (as well as other people) when we give other people a reason to feel useful and accepted by someone else.

I'm not sure how to put this succinctly, but I think what I'm trying to get at is that we are not going to be complete versions of ourselves if we only have ourselves.

For me, my tendency of never wanting to ask for help is symptomatic of my mental health struggles, and the antidote to this is to be willing to reach out to and spend more time with people I care about, which as a result leads to me leaning on them more when I have a problem, rather than trying to solve it by myself. If I don't have those people around me, that tendency to isolate intensifies, and I start to struggle again. I think I'm starting to accept the reality that I may never be a person who can go at it alone. It is just not conducive, productive, or practical to the life I now want to live: a life where I am processing my emotions in a healthy manner, or reaching out to others to help me regulate myself when am in a position where I don't have the space to process all of my emotions all at once just yet. I need other people or I will be hurting myself. Worse, I will be an emptier, less possessed version of myself. And I don't think that this is true of just me. I think this has to be true of everyone.

Another consideration I'm trying to make when I feel in any way ashamed of my need for others as a means of strengthening myself: I think people like to be helpful, to feel useful and caring and bring meaning to other people's lives, even if it seems small or insignificant in the grand scheme of things. I think it makes them kinder and more empathetic. Maybe more significantly, it makes them feel seen, because their existence was needed so that another person could survive. Helping someone else has the power to remind ourselves why we are alive.

I know this is probably a watered down, very unnuanced discussion of our need as human beings for community and resource sharing. I certainly am no authority on this issue as it is framed beneath many other systemic issues we face in our society (racism, sexism, homophobia/transphobia, classism/socioeconomics, ableism, etc.), mostly because I am not affected by every one of those systems and cannot with confidence speak to them without misaligning or misinterpreting the issues. There is definitely more to be said on this topic (such as when we as human beings do use other people so that we don't have to confront other issues within ourselves that may in fact be hurting others). But to me, the revelation that I cannot do this alone, and that this is not only okay to acknowledge, but necessary to live my life by, was earth-shattering, and I thought that maybe someone out there could relate to it.

TLDR: You need other people in this world to survive. Try to accept it.

#mental health #why we need other people #sorry some of this is unfocused and tries to touch on too many things at once #again i hope it helps someone out there

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trashyswitch · 2 years ago

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Dear Everyone:

⚠️TW: Talk of Mental Health & Suicide⚠️ (though I feel like I shouldn't need to put a trigger warning on this, because everyone should be talking about this.)

Why must the people who do so much in the world and make everyone the most happy...have to experience mental health struggles to the point of suicide?

What brought this on? Well...I found out that Stephen Boss, aka tWitch, had ended his life by suicide with a gun yesterday. He had a wife, he had kids, and he had close people who loved him and cared for him. He had so much going for him. He had been on So You Think You Can Dance, he was on The Ellen Show as the DJ & Dancer, and he had influenced millions to dance.

And yet...he still felt like he had to hide all the pain that was roaring inside his head. And on the morning of December 13, 2022, he finally listened to those thoughts and ended his life.

So below, I'm going to provide a long answer to the question a lot of people are wondering:

"Why didn't he get help if he was hurting so badly? There were so many resources available to him!"

You wanna know why he may have ended his life instead of getting help? It's likely because getting help takes months. Let me explain the process: There are two ways to get help.

from a doctor:

You decide to get help from a family doctor. Well, getting help from a family doctor could take weeks...and by then, you may not feel suicidal anymore, and may end up cancelling the appointment because "It's not a problem anymore". If you don't have a family doctor, then you have to go to the emergency room. And the only thing the emergency room does, is take you to a mental health unit and give you a momentary psychiatrist for your mental health.

From a Helpline:

Most suicidal people are required to call a helpline. There, you're expected to tell complete strangers about your suicidal ideation. If you say the certain answers that they're looking for, they'll either advise that you head to a mental health unit, or they'll send an ambulance over to you to take you to the nearest mental health unit. There, you are given a momentary psychiatrist and prescribed medication...and the process begins.

Once they start you on a mental health medication, they remove you from the mental health unit's doctor's care, and kick you out of the unit and into the real world a couple days later, before the medication even starts properly working... they expect you to stay alive for another few weeks until the meds start working. And then, the chances of meds working on the first try, is low. Almost no one gets the dose or the medication right on the first try. So every time the medication is upped, you have to wait another 4-6 weeks for THAT to kick in. Another higher dose, another 4-6 weeks. By the time some people feel better results from the help, it'll be 3-5 months later. On paper, it's not that bad. But to a suicidal person, that feels like years. And if the medication doesn't work, you have to either go back to the mental health unit, or find a psychiatrist yourself. And a surprising amount of psychiatrists are older and experienced, but only see your name and diagnosis rather than your personality and your face. And often, their choices are made based on those few words and specific words out of your explanation. And unfortunately, the person doesn't feel properly heard. But, the psychiatrist is the only one who can prescribe a new medication, so you go with the flow, listen to the psychiatrist, and end up being prescribed a new medication. And when you get taken off a medication and put onto a new pill, you can't just stop the medication cold turkey and start the new med right away. You have to slowly ween off the old med, before getting onto the new med. That alone, takes weeks. And your mental health worsens as withdrawl symptoms start. And then once you're on the new meds, those take another 4-6 weeks to start working. And that might not be enough...so they up the dose. Another 4-6 weeks for that to start working...up it again...4-6 weeks later, and it maybe starts working. On top of that, your parents are watching you suffer. They feel terrible seeing you like this, and they almost feel frustrated that your mental health issues aren't magically fixed. And the mental health help (depending on where you are) is draining your parents' wallets. And as the suicidal person, you can see how much your mental health issues are making them sad. How low on funds they're getting. Suicidal people notice all of that, and know it's their fault. So that only worsens the suicidal thoughts. And no matter how much the parents say 'We're okay' and 'don't worry about it', we know...And we can't possibly be convinced otherwise, because we've seen all the proof we need.

The point I'm getting at is...mental health issues are so hard to treat. It takes forever, and even after a year or 5 years of tackling these damn thoughts and fighting with medications...you wonder if it was even worth the constant waiting. Because...it seems like successful suicide has much quicker results than getting help does. And if it's unsuccessful, then you start the whole mental health unit experience, and start the trial and error with meds.

And yes, ending your life hurts the people close to you. But you know watching someone fade can sometimes be so much worse...

In death, you see a beloved influencer. In living, you see a progressively breaking individual. Some people prefer the broken individual...but not everyone does...

Plus...it seems like people listen to you more after you've ended your life...then they have when you were alive.

So...the reality is...some suicides are impulse choices. But...other suicides are thought out and prepared for...But no one truly knows who did what, because...the people who make those choices are not able to speak for themselves after death.

So...please consider this. And let's educate those without mental health issues, about the reality of 'Getting help". Because "Getting help"...is just a sentence with a neverending path.

#mental health #getting help #mental health help #psychology #suicidal thoughts

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indecisive-behaviors · 3 years ago

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Originally I was just going to add this as a reblog to my previous post about the parking lot scene in KK2 but it’s almost 2k words so now it’s getting it’s own post. Be forewarned- this is fucking long.

TW for discussion of PTSD, child abuse, neglect, injury, and death, in relation to topics surrounding the show, under the cut-

Obviously, Cobra Kai is a show based around the premise of “what happened to that Lawrence kid after he got kicked in the face?”, which is honestly a pretty cool idea for a show. Johnny’s story is never explained past sitting on the sidewalk with his head in his hands at the tournament, and there are no real context clue’s to figure out what may or may not have happened.

In the show we get to learn early on that Johnny’s life spiraled after the tournament, going from bad to worse to “holy shit how are you still alive”-dropping out/never going to college, working jobs he seems to hate, becoming an alcoholic, presumably many dead end relationships, and not being there for his kid. And yeah, obviously, this would be a hard pill to swallow for anyone watching the show if Johnny had just lost the tournament. If we never got the scene in KK2, he would have just been some kid who lost a tournament- we see at the end of the first movie that(through tears holy shit Billy) that Johnny is the one who gives the trophy to Daniel with his famous line, “You’re alright, LaRusso.” There’s a level of grudging respect in that moment that isn’t lost on anyone who sees that movie- that Johnny, who throughout the movie only sees Daniel as some whimpy kid, gets proven wrong and respects that. If we didn’t have that scene, there’s reason to believe Johnny would have apologized, tried to make amends, Something, even if it was just being less of a dick at school.

But then, we get the parking lot. We get a far off shot, intended to distance you from the scene, framed over Daniel’s shoulder. This makes sense, Daniel is the main character, the protagonist, the underdog hero- why wouldn’t it be framed in his perspective? But the scene is about Johnny. We get the shouting match, the back and forth- “No, you’re the loser man.”- and again it’s fairly obvious how Johnny sees this situation. This is a man who we assume(and is later confirmed) to be a surrogate father figure, who set his friend up for failure, and then basically forced him to do the same by targeting an injured opponent, and forcing him to fight without honor. This same man presumably follows a teenager out to the parking lot, to harass him, to tell him he’s off the team, to tell him he’s a loser, that he’s nothing.

But at that point, Johnny knows the truth, even if subconsciously. At the end of the day Johnny knows that Daniel LaRusso was a worthy opponent, and that regardless of the cheating and manipulation, Daniel could have won anyway, and did win, despite of it.

And then Kreese grabs him, too fast to react to, Johnny too surprised even knowing that Kreese is the bad guy here, not believing that he would ever willingly hurt him- and Johnny isn’t strong enough to fight him off, none of the boys are, so Johnny is forced to suffocate for almost a full 30 seconds(which I double checked for the record- also as a reference, 30 seconds is about the average time it takes for a person voluntarily holding their breath to pass out- this does not account for the oxygen lost during a struggle, and the lack of preparation from both surprise and panic. The only silver lining here is the fact that Kreese was most likely compressing his windpipe, not his jugular, which would have made him pass out in about 5-10 seconds, and would have caused permanent brain damage or death in about 15).

Now, PTSD is a complex thing. I’m not a psychiatrist, and what small amount of information we have is all we have to work off of, but I feel fairly comfortable in saying Johnny mostly likely developed it after the incident. This not an uncommon take in the fandom as far as I’m aware either. But, if we assume this, we also have to assume that after the fact nothing would have been done about this. Not just in the sense that we still don’t really know everything that happened right after the tournament, but that in the early 80s, PTSD wasn’t really a thing yet.

Sure it was absolutely a condition that existed, but Post Traumatic Stress Disorder wasn’t even added to the DSM-III until 1980- and for a long time afterward, was only seen as a condition that affected primarily war vets. Even after an event as traumatic as having a man you considered a father trying to kill you, in public, without remorse, would not have been seen as something to warrant the diagnoses, let alone treatment.

Johnny Lawrence was 17 when Kreese tried to kill him, and this boy would have been offered no resources beyond filing charges with the police. And as we see in KK3, either this didn’t happen either, or someone(presumably Silver) got the charges dropped. So on top of almost being murdered, Johnny had to live with the fact that the man who did that to him was still out there, and to top it off, still ran a dojo at least for a few months after the event. The only relief he could have gotten is after Kreese faked his death.

And sure, Mr Miyagi may have gotten Kreese to let go eventually, but as several people have pointed out in comments and tags, left him and the other boys alone with Kreese still standing there in the parking lot and just... drove off. Kreese has already been established to be a psycho with no problem hurting children, a little bit of glass might not have prevented him from trying again.

So why did I talk about all of that? Because it all contributes to why Daniel LaRusso works as a credible antagonist in season 1 of Cobra Kai.

Think about this- Johnny blames losing everything on Daniel in season 1, but we specifically get a shot in KK1 and later KK2(”You’re alright, LaRusso” and “I did my best” come to mind) where he seems to be at least mostly accepting of the fact that he lost(with what was actually an illegal kick but that’s a rant for another time). So why does he blame him for everything 30 years later?

Because 30 years later, Johnny is forced to go outside, go to work, and pretend like he doesn’t see what feels like every street corner(including right outside his apartment mind you), a literal billboard sized reminder of what happened to him.

The rest of this is mostly speculation but it makes sense in my head so bear with me.

When we get introduced to Robby, it’s made pretty clear that Johnny has not been in his life for a bit. In season 2 we get Johnny’s heart to heart with Miguel, where he divulges that he missed the birth, because he spiraled after his mom’s death. This however doesn’t suggest that he stayed gone, especially knowing that it wasn’t long enough for Robby to not consider seeking out his dad. Because tacked up to the fridge, is a picture of Robby in his soccer uniform as a kid. It’s an early detail you can see in previous episodes, and says a lot about how Robby grew up. To be fair, this could have been given to him by Shannon, and not taken himself, but it’s the sport Robby’s playing that makes me question this. KK1 dedicates an entire scene to Johnny being on the soccer team in high school. Soccer, while maybe not as important to him as karate, is still part of his character. Robby does not know karate in season 1, Johnny obviously didn’t share it with him, but that doesn’t mean Johnny didn’t share anything with him.

So Johnny’s back in his kids life, maybe doing better for himself, maybe cutting back on the drinking. LaRusso Auto is already established to exist at this point but it’s in Encino, a place Johnny has no reason to go to, and probably doesn’t want to. He’s trying again and things are okay. But Robby knows enough about Daniel to know that going to him will piss off his dad. So Johnny had to have talked about him at some point. The billboards here are what’s important- they’re in the first episode, the first scene montage, Johnny draws a dick on one of them as some petty revenge.

The first billboard goes up in the late 2000s to mid 2010s. Johnny sees it, maybe he has Robby with him at the time, maybe he goes home and says something there, but he says something in a way that sticks with even a child as being important. More billboards go up. Dealerships starting popping up more and more. Daniel’s face, and by extension, the memories, the flashbacks, become inescapable. Johnny, for a third time, spirals again. Before he even knows what’s happening, he’s lost his relationship with his son. And it’s all Daniel’s fault. Of course Daniel doesn’t do it deliberately, but the constant reminders are enough to send him back into a tailspin and Johnny blames him for it.

Because it’s Daniel who is a constant reminder of his failures- it’s Daniel who caused him to lose the tournament and almost get killed, Daniel who put up the billboards that trigger his flashbacks, it’s always Daniel Daniel Daniel.

And then Johnny gets it in his head that he wants to be better. He opens a dojo, teaches Miguel and the other kids, wants to try again- and he almost succeeds.

Johnny up to this point has not deliberately antagonized Daniel in any way. Sure he named the dojo Cobra Kai, but Cobra Kai is all he knows. Besides Johnny doesn’t blame karate for his failures, his best memories are Cobra Kai and he’s trying to be better than Kreese. So what’s the harm in this really? His building is in Reseda, there’s no reason for Daniel to ever be there, he doesn’t do it out of spite, it’s because he lives there and rent is cheap. He doesn’t know about KK3, doesn’t know about Daniel’s own trauma. This isn’t an attack. Johnny sincerely just doesn’t know.

Enter Daniel, stage left. Daniel makes no attempt to talk to him- he simply makes demands and accusations, before he starts making active attempts to put him out of business.

Sure, we as the audience know Daniel has good reasons to not want Cobra Kai back. But Johnny doesn’t. All Johnny knows is that the kid he picked on in high school- who won, who got everything Johnny wanted, who grew up to be successful, has a wonderful wife, two kids who love him, a thriving business- is doing everything he can to make his life hell 30 years after the fact.

And this could only have happened because in 1986 John G. Avildsen decided to add in a scene meant for the original movie into the sequel, for absolutely no fucking reason.

#meta analysis #ranting about cobra kai cuz I can #johnny lawrence #daniel larusso #cobra kai #karate kid #I will never get over the fact that that was an actual scene that they filmed #and then got no resolution #FOR 30 YEARS #I apologize to everyone for this post #obviously I have a lot of feelings about this

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didsomeonesaydaddydraco · 4 years ago

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My Oh My | Draco Malfoy one shot

Request: yes! @leydileyla (I would like to request a Draco Malfoy fic, with a Female Hufflepuff Reader (you don't need to specify Hufflepuff if you don't feel like it goes with the story) with the prompt,2. Take another step, and I can’t be responsible for my actions.Maybe it could be something like, they could have been flirting for a while and both sides feel like they are hitting their boiling point )

Word count: 3,205 words

Warning: drinking (just a tiny)

Pairing: Draco Malfoy x Hufflepuff!reader

Note: This was a requests from the prompt list. Used prompt: “Take another step, and I can’t be responsible for my actions”

They say he likes a good time

He comes alive at midnight

My mama doesn't trust him

He's only here for one thing

But (so am I)

The dungeons. The Slytherin Common Room was located there. A place for the cunning, ambitious, determined and resourceful wizards and witches. And of course the kingdom of the Slytherin Prince, Draco Lucius Malfoy. He was mysterious as the night, but oh Merlin, he was the most alive during the dark hours of the day. He really knew how to have fun and how to throw the best Common Room Parties without the professors or Filch founding out. Those parties were the topic of every conversation. Students were talking about how the Slytherins managed to sneak snacks and alcohol to their Common Room, and how clever they were to use the Muffliato Charm, so the loud music wouldn’t be heard from outside. But the most interesting and exciting part of those parties was the way students from other Houses were invited. Not so many people had the privilege to be good friends with a Slytherin, due to their struggles with trust, but that didn’t mean they refused to have some fun time with their fellow school mates. You could only enter the party, if a Slytherin invited you. They would leave a note in your book, on your desk before class or sneak it into your bag with the exact details and the password. That’s how Y/N was invited. Hufflepuffs and Slytherins were at the same Transfiguration class, and one Monday, when Draco Malfoy passed her desk, he dropped a piece of parchment. She bent down to pick up the folded note and give it back to him, but she saw her name on the middle of it, written in neat handwriting.

Beautiful, come to our party this Friday, 10 at night. Bring only one FEMALE friend if you want. The password is serpent. I’ll be expecting you - Malfoy

That was the beginning of a beautiful flirtationship with the Slytherin bad boy. That night, Draco never approached Y/N, but he was always around her, glancing at her while I was talking to our school mates, staring at her while she was dancing with Pansy on the tables. After that party, it was hot glances at each other during class. Draco couldn’t kept his eyes off her, and after a while, it wasn’t enough for him. For some strange reasons, he wanted to be as close to the Hufflepuff girl as possible, so he made her House mate move from next to her and sat by her side during classes. Draco would greet her with a compliment, and Y/N would wink at him in response. The small nice gestures and words soon turned into more. She would stroke her hand along his back as she passed him in the corridors. Draco would touch her hand secretly while they were chatting with friends. He never hid how he was feeling about her, and wasn’t afraid to threaten anyone who tried to approach the subject of his admiration. The flirting between the youngsters was something that couldn’t stay unnoticed by anyone.

“Who is the boy?” Her mother would ask when she was back at home for Christmas. She kept receiving owls with litters and small parcels with her name on top of them. Same neat handwriting. She would smile brightly and even blush while reading the shorter or longer notes attached to her gifts from Malfoy.

“It’s probably still Draco” Y/N’s sister groaned and with an annoyed expression on her face, she shoo away the owl. She didn’t like the idea of her sister being involved with someone who was mostly famous for his jerk behaviour and the idea he was brought up in. In her eyes, Draco Malfoy was the devil himself. She wanted to hex him just because he would breathe around her. Of course she didn’t want Y/N to get hurt or being used by him.

“Draco? As in Narcissa and Lucius Malfoy’s son?” Their mother looked up from her book and her kind eyes focused on her youngest child. She knew that family and heard enough about their shady businesses and arrogant behaviour “I don’t trust him, darling” she shook her head disapprovingly.

“You know he likes to sleep around and mess with girls, right?” Her sister asked, but Y/N shut their voices out. Of course she heard about his reputation, and even saw him throwing girls away from one day to another, but that was what pulled her in. She wanted his taste. Maybe he wanted only one thing, but so did she.

A little bit older

A black leather jacket

A bad reputation

Draco Lucius Malfoy. Everyone knew who he was. Everyone knew about his reputation at Hogwarts. And of course, everyone warned her about him. He had everything that a girl could wish for in a guy. He was tall and strong. He was hard to get and a total twat. He bullied everyone who wasn’t good enough in his eyes and he never regret it. But he had the most beautiful pair of stormy blue eyes with the slightest hint of baby blue in them. And that damn smirk that could make a girl faint. He was just a few months older, but his features made him look much mature. Y/N always found herself staring at him when he wasn’t by her side, just admiring the man he was. After a while, Draco would feel someone watching him, and would look for the person, secretly hoping it was the girl who he wanted so badly. He could have made her his fully, but they loved and lived for their little cat and mouth game. The bickering and flirting entertained not only the two of them, but everyone around them.

“Bite me” Y/N said to the blonde bloke towering over her body. She couldn’t tell anymore what they were arguing about, she just wanted to push his bottoms and see when he would snap. Her remark made Draco smile at her darkly, and leaned in, dangerously close to her face.

“Where, princess?” His was deepened and he bit his bottom lip. A tiny gasp left her lips and he knew he won this round “You thought you were so badass, but then you met me”

“You think too highly of yourself” she rolled her eyes and pushed him away. Draco sat back next to her on the bench and put his hand on her thigh, softly stroking her soft skin with his thumb.

“Am I not everything you wanted?” He asked with raised eyebrows, and he sneaked his hand up a little higher. They crossed the line of innocent flirting a long time ago. Y/N and Draco were basically on fire when they were just simply in the same room, yet alone sitting next to each other.

“I wanted a little less arrogance” she pushed his hand away and stood up, grabbing her back from the ground and walking away with a huge smile on her face. She loved the affect she had on the Slytherin boy, and enjoyed teasing him too much to end it anytime soon.

“You can’t resist me, Y/L/N” Draco yelled after her and watched how her hips swayed as she walked further and further away. That girl really knew how to ignite the fire inside him over and over again, but never stayed long enough to let it warm her. Draco smiled at the thought of chasing after her in the corridors and throwing her over his shoulder to her back to his room.

Insatiable habits

He was onto me, one look and I couldn't breathe

Yeah, I said, "If you kiss me

I might let it happen”

I swear on my life that I've been a good girl

Tonight, I don't wanna be her

Y/N was a good girl, always the first to submit her homework and the one who volunteered to tutor the younger witches and wizards when they had troubles with any of their classes. She liked to know all her assignments were complete and outstanding, searching for new information about the topics of their lessons to add to her essay and show her professors how determined she was about her studies. She was nice with everyone, she was the shoulder you could cry on even if you didn’t know her that well. She liked to help people and loved to make new friends. But she had a side that only a few people knew. She wasn’t that innocent little Hufflepuff girl like so many students would have thought. She was always up for a good party and flirt with boys. They were young after all. It was their time to live, to experiment, to fall in love and to make mistakes. She loved her life and wanted to live it fully. That was what Draco admired her. Her essence and the way she saw life. She was fun to be around, and hot to stare at. And he liked to watch every move she took.

“Like alchemy, Kabbalah isn’t one generalised study either, but several different branches. The two beaches that specifically have the most influence” she was trying to teach Draco everything about their Alchemy class before their midterm test, but she rudely interrupted her.

“You gotta stop doing that” he said with a teasing tone. He was laying on his side on the bed, keeping himself up by his elbow while he was playing with the rings on his long fingers.

“What?” she asked with a confused expression and looked up from her notes. Draco wasn’t paying attention to her words, but the way her lips moved.

“Saying things that make me wanna kiss you” she annoyedly rolled her eyes and pushed Draco of her bed. She might tried to act cool, but she couldn’t hide the smile dancing on her lips and her eyes brightening up by the thought of kissing him.

——-

“See you tonight, Y/N?” Pansy Parkinson asked as she passed by in the corridor. It was Friday afternoon, and they just get out of their last class. The usual Friday Night Party was the topic of every conversation, which made Y/N rather annoyed. She found it weird that she wasn’t invited. The last four months, she was there. Draco always made sure she was invited and had her by his side the whole night. But this week, she wasn’t. She kept checking for little notes in her books where Draco doodled during classes or Study Halls, she reorganised her bag to see if he had slipped a piece of paper, but nothing. Maybe he didn’t want her there.

“I wasn’t invited” she shrugged and tried to hide her disappointment with a smile. The Parkinson girl laughed and hugged her by the side. They weren’t the best of friends, but it felt good for Pansy so have another girl in their group of friends, who was actually a lot like them. It was a nice change to be able to have girly chit chats with someone, who wouldn’t make gagging noises by topics like skin care, menstruation or clothes.

“Oh, bunny” she shook her head in amusement. Pansy found it funny how a bright witch like Y/L/N could be so stupid sometimes “You don’t need to be invited anymore. You’re one of us now, so when you hear about a party, just know that it’s your party too”

“Then I’ll see you tonight” Y/N smiled happily and quickly kissed Pansy on the cheek before she hurried back to the Hufflepuff tower to take a nap before the party. Her afternoon was a blur. After she woke up, she found Parkinson sitting on the floor beside her bed, drawing little butterflies and birds on a parchment. Pansy insisted that they get ready together to the party, because she needed some girly time and she was fed up with Enzo and Blaise making fun of her for taking too long to get ready. So the girls went to her dorm room and took a few shots of Fire Whiskey while they were doing each others hair and makeup. Y/N had a plan for the night. She was done with their little game, and wanted Draco to finally make the first move. She had been trying to make him do something that would move their relationship forward, but it seemed like the Slytherin Prince was more than happy with their current status. If Draco wasn’t man enough to make a move, then she will do it.

Her dress was perfect for her plan, and even Pansy drooled over her a bit when she saw Y/N coming out of the bathroom. The dress she chose was a simple black dress with think straps made out of diamonds and reached only down to the middle of her naked thighs. The fine satin fabric hugged her feminizing curves perfectly, the light fall of it on her chest and the slit of the dress on her thigh gave the whole look a slightly innocent, but teasing vibe. And everyone in the Slytherin Common Room agreed on that. Boys turned their head after her and tried to talk to Y/N, but the Hufflepuff had eyes only for a certain Slytherin, who was nowhere to be seen at the beginning of the night. She was tipsy and waited for the two more shots she took with Theo and Adrian to kick in and push her into another stage of drunk. All her insecurities, worries and boundaries were long gone, all thanks to the Fire Whiskey burning in her system. She was determined, she felt irresistible and she knew she had the boy in her palms. He just needed a little nudge, to finally make a move.

Draco Malfoy wasn’t the one who was easy to be amazed, but when he finally spot Y/N walking towards him, he almost choked on his drink. He had seen her in a jogger and sweater, with absolutely no makeup on and with messy hair, and he thought she was the cutest little thing ever. He had seen her in leggings and a workout top, with sweaty hair and face, and Draco felt motivated to go and workout too. He had seen her with a high pony tail and her school uniform, and he thought she was someone who could easily beat Granger at studying. But this was new. She never dolled up like this for a party. Her dress, the way her corrugated, tied up hair swung from left to right in perfect harmony with her hips made Draco to think about a lot of unholy things. She was a goddess in his eyes and he wanted to be the man by her side. His whole body, his heart and soul had been burning for Y/N for months, and he was getting impatient with their little game. He desperately wanted to take the next step, but he wasn’t completely sure if she was feeling the same way. Of course she flirted with him. They had their heated moments, where both of them were seconds away from crossing the line and kissing the other, but somehow, they managed to control themselves. Draco loved to replay their playful fights, their bickering that turned into heavy flirting and the secret glances and touches when he was in bed and tried to sleep. He loved to see the light blush in her cheeks when he complimented her hair, makeup or just her beauty or brain in general. He absolutely lived for the flame igniting in her beautiful eyes when he said something dirty and naughty to her during class or Study Hall. But he wasn’t brave enough to actually man up and ask her on a date. Or maybe to be his girlfriend. They were far too deep for basic things like first date, first kiss or anything like that bullshit. Their relationship was on a different kind of level, and he knew she was someone you just don’t want to lose.

“Hey, handsome” she greeted him from a few feet away. Draco knew Y/L/N and Parkinson were getting ready together, and the two witches pre gamed a little before they came downstairs. He also saw her taking shots with their friends, so he was sure she wasn’t completely sober anymore. Not drunk enough, to not know what she was doing or saying, but definitely not sober anymore to be shy “Haven’t seen you all almost all night. Here I thought you were ignoring me” she smirked at him and twirled the end of her hair around her finger, looking at Draco with tilted head to the side. She wanted to take a step forward, but he held out his hand to stop her.

“Take another step, and I can’t be responsible for my actions” he warned her, his blue eyes never leaving hers. He couldn’t take this anymore. They were playing a very dangerous game, and they were so close to hit their boiling spot. Y/N straightened up and started the play with the ring on her necklace. Draco gifted her his ring two weeks ago, after he got enough of her always stealing it from him while they studied together. Little did she knew, Draco meant it as a sign, that she was all his. He wanted the boys at Hogwarts to see she was wearing his ring and she only belong to him.

“Than maybe you should take a step” her voice was teasing but serious at the same time. She bit her bottom lip and pushed her hip to the side a little bit, showing Draco that she was waiting. It was all up to him. And he did. The sassy look on her face, the way she was biting her bottom lip and everything that had been building up in him for long weeks, gave him a final push and he said fuck it. He grabbed her and pulled her to his body. Their chests were pressed together, he could almost feel her heartbeat. She looked up at him, fire burning in her eyes “If you kiss me, I might let it happen”

Draco kissed her. He kissed her like he had never kissed anybody before. It was exactly like it was written in romance books and said in the films. They had butterflies raving in their stomachs. Fireworks behind closed eyes. Hands holding onto the other like their lives depended on it. Lips moving in perfect harmony. She was his. He was hers. After months of flirting, it was good to finally burn in their love.

“Just for the record, you’re mine” Draco said and rested his forehead on her. They were both breathing heavily, trying to catch breathe after the kiss. She giggled at his possessiveness and rolled her eyes at him. Of course he had to show who was the alpha “Oh, and this dress is coming off at the end of the night” he winked at her and pulled her face into another passionate kiss.

#Draco Malfoy #Draco #daddy draco #draco fanfiction #draco x reader #Draco Malfoy one shot #Draco Malfoy imagine stories #Draco Malfoy imagine #Draco Malfoy x reader #Draco Malfoy x Hufflepuff reader #Harry Potter imagines #prompt list

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yuhi-san · 6 months ago

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Why do you always make additions that make me tear up??? That last line??

But yeah to all that.

I also think that while stampede vash is seen getting angry, the degree of rage trimax vash has is something yet to come (like with meryl who was so inexperienced but we got hints that this changed in the skip at the end)

Same for vashs alcoholism. Food may not have the same effect on his body but alcohol really is more poison than anything nutritious. Maybe he starts drinking (possibly gong back to it after years/decades?) To numb the pain. Or hell, if he is a miserable drunk, making himself even more miserable. (though i dont we will see the alcoholism in the anime. Showing drinking as a bad thing ratherthan haha drunk shenanigans seems like a bit of a taboo in shows? Instead they show vash struggle with selfcare and his questionable coping mechanism via what is clearly an eating disorder.)

And the thing about vash realizing too late how much his actions hurt those around him, the people that love him. I dont think the issue is vash thinking he isnt loved. He's not a fool. I dont even think it comes down to wheter or not e precives it as deserved for people to love him.

Vash is so old. He has been through it. Like everyone else on no mans land, he is a victim of circumstsnces. But some of the struggles and hardships are very much self-impose. But exactly because vash has been at it for so long he is sort of... stuck in both his way of life and how he sees the world (maybe on some subconscious level thats his nature as a plant, following a set routine)

(great example when in trimax he accuses wolfwood of being a coward and taking the easy way out after killing rai-dei, then acknowledges during the hospital yuri that wolfwood bloodying his hands saved a lot of people. To vash killing is never justified. But to wolfwood its what he needs to do to keep himself and the people around him alive.)

All that to say, at some point vash decided he can and he will (and has to) bear all the pain and horror so hopefully he will have to see less people suffer. Absorbing it, if you will. He is so focused on trying to spare other people from pain that he kinda forgets that, you know, the people that love him hate to see him hurting. Doesnt matter if he actually can or cannot take it, thats not the point.

Vash is full of self-loathing yet he knows he's loved. But while it pains him every time he can't prevent someone from being hurt or he fails to help, he never seems to think about how he puts wolfwood (and meryl sn everyone else) through the same thing all the time.

Vash is such a hypocrite, really. Everyone deserves another chance. And another. And another. No one is beyond salvation. He thinks that woolfwood is good and kind, despite the things he has done. But does he ever extend that grace to himself? Nope. No wonder wolfwood is always so pissed of about vash.

And wolfwood?

We know he was a great source of comfort at hopeland. He seems to struggle with it now. Maybe its a little because its different with kids. Maybe he no longer feels right, like himself, like he is supposed to be. instead he is all wrong and twisted and his hand too stained with blood to still hold children or offer any comfort. We see wolfwood being haunted by just that in his dreams early in trimax.

So he cannot offer comfort like he used to for many reasons. But he can still offer food, like he used to. Sharing something valuable in a world where resources are scares, probably especially for a shield growing up in a struggling orphanage. Sharing food is the only way of comforting someone he still has without it feeling wrong somehow.

So that’s what he does. And vash? he just brushes him off. Doesn’t eat. He’s not as easily swayed as he used to be, that very first time they met. For Vash it’s refusal, for many reasons. But to Wolfwood? It must feel not only like a waste but also like a failure. Like he himself was rejected.

We all know Wolfwood wont make it out alive. So I’m thinking, is he going to die wondering if Vash understood anything at all? If he ever got through to vash that he cared? Is he going to die not knowing if it (he) ever meant anything to vash?

And of course he did. More than anyone, maybe. But vash struggles to see how much him hurting hurts others.

But by the time it truly sinks in, it is already too late. Wolfwood is dead. And it’s only now with livio on his hands all of a sudden and not knowing what else to do than feed him. And he eats too. To reassure livio that it is alright, that despite wolfwoods death, there is no bad blood with them. And as they eat, it sinks in, slowly but oh so painful that it was never really about the food that vash may or may not need anymore. It was always about Wolfwood trying to reach out, trying to comfort vash in the only way he didn’t feel to tainted to. It was about Wolfwood worrying and caring and vash rejecting it over and over again.

There is still guilt after that. Eating is still hard. Its not what it used to be, probably wont ever again. Its difficult to get himself to eat sometimes when there is no longer the same you in it. Sometimes he still won’t but vash makes a point of eating when someone offers him stuff. and vash shares food, with livio, with meryl and milly and everyone else, remembering wolfwood and how he tried to reach out and offer the comfort he could.

and maybe one day, when he cries over spilled donuts

Thinking about Trimax vs Stampede Vash and how they introduced Stampede Wolfwood. They're going to be soooooo mean about his death. 😭

Like genuinely, I can tell they want to make us cry harder than we did in Trimax. Like when Wolfwood taught™ Vash it's important to eat and move on with your life(smile), even tho it's something they did naturally together in Trimax. No, here it's another of Wolfwood direct impact on Vash. Plus the cowboy Livio fit.. Come on..

They're trying to amplify volume 10!!! Someone help!! 😭😭😭😭😭

#sorry for the long rant #its just all so tragic #cash the stampede #nicholas d wolfwood #vashwood #trigun meta #vash and food

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literaryfic · 4 years ago

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Chapters: 1/?  Fandom: 빈센조 | Vincenzo (TV)  Rating: Explicit  Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence Relationships: Vincenzo Cassano | Park Joo Hyeong/Hong Cha Young Characters: Hong Cha Young, Vincenzo Cassano | Park Joo Hyeong Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Italian Mafia, (i know nothing about the mafia so this will be very inaccurate!!!), basically vincenzo & cha-young being mafia bosses in italy

 Summary: When Vincenzo Cassano came back to Italy, no one expected to see someone by his side. Or how Cha-young and Vincenzo became the head of the Cassano family. a mafia couple au inspired by a discussion with @ourgalaxybangtan @ghostrights & @whovie-reloaded

Vincenzo had been handling most of the family business since their adoptive father’s health had started to decline. As the consigliere of the Cassano family, he was Fabio’s most trusted man, his advisor, his lawyer but also his second-in-command.

It hadn’t been easy, all these years, to climb the ladder. He wasn’t a native, he wasn’t blood, and so not many people had welcomed him at first. That’s why he had to become ruthless, so that no one could deny his authority or even dare to try. He had killed and tortured many men, broken their minds and their bones, burned their flesh and cut off their limbs, ashes and screams trailing behind him. If he wasn’t proud of the blood on his hands, he was at least proud of his work. All the hours he’d spent training, fighting, preparing, scheming, studying, all his efforts to erase Park Joo-hyung from the face of earth had paid off. The scared, weak little kid was gone, buried with all his other victims. ‘An eye for an eye, and then some’, Vincenzo lived by that, and he would stop at nothing except killing the innocent. There was no doubt he was the best at what he did and anyone who did not respect him feared him enough to not threaten him. His success was the Cassano family’s success, yet he knew that members of his own clan would not hesitate to have him killed if they could. Two clear factions had formed in the past five years, those who supported Vincenzo as the next head of the family, and those who supported Paolo, his brother. Paolo and Vincenzo had never gotten along, and Paolo’s inferiority complex and jealousy grew deeper every time his older brother had to clean up after one of his rushed job. Paolo had a particular taste for violence. Whereas Vincenzo killed and tortured because he had to, Paolo got a kick out of hurting others, be it children, women or elders. He loved to assert his dominance, to feel almighty. Vincenzo didn’t think himself much better than him, (regardless of the reasons behind his murders, he’d probably killed way more than him), but he wanted Paolo to be punished for his sins. It was only a matter of time before some influential family members whispered plans of assassination and of ‘restoring the rightful heir’ into his ear. Paolo was an angry, frustrated man who wasn’t particularly good at his job, an easy puppet to control. He’d been watching them carefully but he knew that as long as his father was alive, no one would dare to touch him. Back then he had thought he would take care of them when it came to it, become the head of his family, and continue to rule the underworld. Then, the incident happened and everything changed. He hadn’t been able to sleep for weeks, his victims’ screams haunting his dreams. He started avoiding mirrors, his reflection taunting him. He barely ate anymore, and Fabio had reminded him to get a grip. So he had done just that. He drank himself to sleep or took sleeping pills, and he went on. He knew, however, that he could not go on like this much longer. He had to get out before he buried himself next to Park Joo-hyung and all the others whose lives he’d taken. He’d started to plan his escape secretly. He would wait until his father died, staying loyal to him as long as he was alive. When the time came, he knew Paolo would try to kill him. The power struggle between them would start as soon as the head of the family would die, but instead of destroying his opponents, Vincenzo would seize the opportunity to leave. He would go back to South Korea, get the gold and leave to an island, where he would spend the rest of his days. The death of his previous Chinese client was perfect timing. As expected, Fabio, his boss and adoptive father, had named him the next head of the family in his will. It came to no surprise to most members, but murmurs spread quickly, “Can you imagine? A foreigner, as the head of our family? What has the world become?”. After wrapping things up in Italy, Vincenzo promised himself to never return, throwing away the key to the graveyard of his sins. …. There’s no going back from this, he thinks. Vincenzo is still holding Cha-young’s face, unable to look away from her lips, still wet from the kiss. Her pink cheeks, her smeared lipstick, the freckles under her fondation. Her. Hong Cha-young. His heart is soaring in his chest, all the emotions he had desperately tried to silence erupting all at once. There was no point in denying it, he had fallen in love with her. All he could do now was break his own heart, hoping it would heal. …. He realises he can’t live without her after she gets injured. They’re trying to get more information on Jang Han-seok’s paper company, and this time they’re trying to prove that some of the transactions made to European bank accounts were bribes. They’re breaking into none other than the Minister of Economy and Finance, Cha Do-won’s house. Miri had made sure to deactivate the security system and cameras, and Vincenzo was in charge of securing the place while Cha-young searched for the secret ledger the Minister kept hidden in his office. Cha Do-won was making a speech right now, and they had assumed most of his personal security would be with him. Vincenzo had quickly incapacitated the few men around the house and Cha-young looked for the ledger. After a few minutes, she found a hidden drawer in his desk. There it was, a thick documents labelled 'Accounts’. Subtlety wasn’t one of his strong points, apparently. They were about to leave when suddenly, a dozen men started to raid the place. Vincenzo fought them off as best as he could, and he was grateful that Mr. Lee barged in to help. They thought they had them all beat, and so Vincenzo made a mistake. He turned his back to the door to look for Cha-young, who he thought was behind him. “Vincenzo!”, he heard her shout his name. He sees her across the room, about to get struck by a man. He rushes to her and knocks him out quick enough. “Oh my God”, she says, “Did you see that? I almost died! He had a knife as well, and I dodged it, and then I ran—”. She keeps rambling while they get out of the house and into their car, clearly in shock. She’s getting paler as time passes, and he only notices the blood that pooled on the seat when she tries to get out of the car. She was stabbed, but the shock and adrenaline had prevented her from feeling any pain. “Oh”, she says, looking down at her wound. Vincenzo jumps out of his seat and rips the bottom half of the T-Shirt he’s wearing. “I don’t think now’s the time for that, Darling.” Even in a life-threatening situation, Cha-young is joking around. Vincenzo’s mind stops, he feels paralysed by fear, the fear of losing her, of her dying in his car, because of him. He pushes those thoughts away as he holds the fabric to her wound. “Hold this, as hard as you can.” The rest of the car ride to the hospital is a blur of running red lights, speeding in between traffic and repeating “Hong Cha-young, stay with me.” Vincenzo had faced death everyday for the last 20 years. He had killed, had seen people kill and had almost died countless of time. “There’s no limit to fear”, he’d once said to Jang Han-seok’s informant. Only now, waiting for Cha-young’s surgery to be over, does he understand what those words truly mean. During 6 hours, Vincenzo pleads and begs God, the devil, anyone willing to listen (Don’t take her. Everyone but her). He makes empty promises (I’ll do anything. I’ll stop hurting others, I’ll disappear from her life) and meaningless threats (Don’t you dare take her. I’ll kill you, too). In the end he doesn’t know who answers his prayers, and what promises seals the deal, but Cha-young wakes up and he doesn’t care. He holds her hand, stays by her side, and vows to never leave her. He starts to plan for an escape route shortly after that. In case they can’t stay in South Korea and need to take off. First, he thinks of Malta, or another island. But they would need to go somewhere they have allies, somewhere with an easy access to emergency money and resources. Italy. He contacts Luca and sets everything up, a two bed-room apartment, two bank accounts, and everything they could ever need like cash, some guns, and a car. “Consigliere, will there be another person with you?”, Luca asks. “Hopefully it won’t come to that”, he avoids the question. He knows he promised not to come back, but some promises need to be broken out of necessity. He needed to make Cha-young was safe, at all cost. His brother’s betrayal had made it easier. He’d been caught in the crossfire of their fight against Babel, killed by Choi Myung-hee in order to frame Vincenzo. But they had proved his innocence, and sent back his corpse in Milan. After Fabio’s death, Paolo hadn’t been the best replacement, and after he was killed in South Korea, they’d put in charge one of their cousins who had neither Fabio’s experience, nor Vincenzo’s mastermind. The family was in a crisis, which didn’t go unnoticed by their rivals. Soon, business started to slow down, their clients stolen by the competition and their allies started to switch teams. Money ran low. For that reason, Vincenzo didn’t run into much opposition when he came back. Most members and people in their business thought he had killed Paolo after he’d unreasonably followed him to South Korea and tried to finish him. Paolo only left disappointment and resentment behind him, and so no one missed him much. What they had not expected, however, was for Vincenzo Cassano to come back with someone.

#vincenzo #vincenzo fic #chayenzo #chayenzo fic

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vidalinav · 4 years ago

Text

Nessian Headcanon #12: Family Edition

Since I keep seeing baby headcanons I wanted to make a list of my own :D which I’ve briefly touched on in other posts but...

Cassian and Nesta have a boatload of children (5 at the end of it all I think). The others start joking that they’re building their own army. But what really happens is that they end up taking in many children over the years because they travel often with the work they do and they see so many conditions and there’s wars and all sorts of circumstances. It’s inevitable that kids don’t have homes but they have a giant house and unending resources and the House is like a big nanny itself so they think it’s fate.

Nesta is actually the one who brings most of the children home. The first one is a 9 year old girl, who is the angriest kid alive. Has something to do with the plot of a story I’m writing, but Nesta is basically entrusted with this kid. She’s the grand niece of someone she ends up knowing and she’s pretty magically powerful so her family would have ate her alive, so she’s asked to keep her safe and whatnot. Her name is Magda but she goes by Maggie. She does not like Cassian whatsoever in the beginning, and she is horribly rude to Nesta. But Nesta does not care at all, she’s like okay get it out, say worse. Like she’s so chill, because she knows how it feels to be that angry. Maggie and Nesta end up being really close to the point where Maggie does not like being away from Nesta and gets very protective of her even to other members of the IC. She’ll fight first and ask questions later. Cassian and her form a bond actually not by fighting at all, but because Maggie does so many experiments that end up going awry. She’s a fae and has got magic up the wazoo and she’s a book nerd, and she’s kind of a trouble maker, and Cassian thrives. He loves her because she’s like a smaller more diabolical version of Nesta. The House is amused by their antics usually.

Nesta ends up getting pregnant for their second child and this kid is the only one they actually have on their own. Her name is Lyra, and Maggie thinks that it’s hilarious that Cassian lives in a house with all girls. Maggie is about 12 when they have her, and Maggie at first does not take kindly to Lyra, because she starts feeling like they have their own family and she’s just the kid who eventually is going to have to go back to her other family (because that’s a plot too that I won’t go into to) but they try so much to include her, because Maggie is their child. No question. Nesta ends up telling Cassian that she’s pregnant by giving him an enchanted painting, which is the work of all three Archeron sisters. Elain for seeing what the child would look like, Feyre for painting, and Nesta for enchanting it so that if they have more children the picture will get bigger and there will be room for Feyre to paint the others. So one big family portrait. In that picture, Maggie is tucked in between the two with the baby/toddler. Dark hair, big blue eyes... maybe hazel. Maybe one of each (I’m really not sure). The best parts of both Nesta and Cassian though. She’s so gorgeous. Prettiest little girl. But yeah going back to Maggie, they ask her during this picture time (probably solstice present time) if Maggie wants to be an Archeron. (Another headcanon for another time, but Cassian marries Nesta too and becomes an Acheron). So, does she want to do this? Absolutely, and at this point she already start calling them mom and dad and just referring to them as such, so that’s their kiddos.

Third and fourth are siblings. They’re from the continent. Maggie is 14, Lyra is close to 2. The siblings are brought by Nesta who is doing some thing that I cannot say because I have not made it up yet, but she finds them at the scene of a Massacre in hiding. The oldest is close to 6, the other is probably 1-ish. The oldest will not let them take the baby from her. The baby is a boy. They don’t speak the common tongue, which is any issue, but they hire a tutor to both talk to the little girl and then also to teach them ALL (everyone in their household) the language that the two siblings speak as well as teach them how to speak the common Prythrian language. So everyone ends up learning. The little girl is taken under the wing of Maggie, who is the perfect older sister/camp counselor as she likes to refer to herself after there’s more kids. They don’t know her name for the LONGEST time, because she won’t speak at all, but she ends up loving Cassian because he makes her laugh and he brings her a thousand stuffed bears because at one point she won’t stop crying and he brings them home and makes funny voices with them, and carries her on his shoulders, and she has the sweetest giggle. But eventually they end up naming her Ursella which she ends up going by Ella when she gets older, because her nickname with Cassian is little bear. They do ask her later when she talks if she remembers her old name and her birthday since they don’t know, but she doesn’t say that she does, which may be a lie, but Ella happily goes by Ella, and they give her a choice to choose one random day in the year to be her birthday, but she chooses to celebrate her birthday on the day they brought her in. She calls it her re-birthday.

The baby boy they name Nico. It’s actually a common Illyrian name and Cassian knows that the little boy is technically not Illyrian but it is his first son, and he really wants to give him that piece of him. Cassian does ask him when he’s about 10 if he’d prefer a name that’s based on his own culture, because they make sure that’s very integrated in their home life, because of course Cassian loves his culture and Nesta has that anthropological eye, so she knows and learns so much and they just love their children so much that they want all of them, every piece that they come with. But Nico likes his name, and he’s his dads through and through. But he LOVES Nesta. He’s a momma’s boy for sure, which I guess just makes him similar to Cassian. He does not like learning though, so Nesta usually has to teach him herself instead of having tutors, and she spends extra time with him going through his lessons. Lyra and him grow up together closer to age, so they pick on each other A LOT, but ultimately they grow up to have that relationship like I can pick on you but no one else can. They’re super close. If you want one, you find the other. They both will be together somewhere making a mess of things. Ella is the one who usually is like would you please be loud somewhere else. She ends up getting into music--playing instruments and so she generally prefers quietness to study and practice. Violin is her forte.

The next boy comes about 4 yrs later. Maggie is 18, Lyra is 6, Nico is 5/6 ish. Ella is 10. The boy is about 12. He’s Illyrian and Cassian finds him this time and takes him to Nesta first, but Nesta is like why are you asking lol this is our new son. He’s a “bastard” unfortunately. I hate that word. But he has learned to fight, Cassian found him in the fighting pits in an Illyrian camp a couple hours away from Windhaven, and the situation was so much like his except this kid was never given a home like he was. So, he spent a good couple of weeks trying to get on his good side enough for him to trust him and to want to go someplace safer and warm. He hates Cassian a lot at first... while at the same time being like you’re the hero I’ve heard about. So admiration but also a touch of resentment and anger at the world. Cassian doesn’t know what to do with that, because still to the day he does not handle emotion like Nesta does. He understands it but he doesn’t know what to say, what to do, his go to is always training, but training is not what this child needs. So again, this is Nesta’s forte. Interestingly enough, she’s very gentle with kids. She’s empathetic, soft, but not condescending. She gives everyone the same respect so it helps a lot when he sees that and he’s never had a mom before who tucks him in or makes sure he’s feeling well. His name is Julian. I forgot that part and it turns out he’s HATES fighting. But he really likes plants. So he ends up spending a lot of time with Elain when she visits. He’s fascinated by them and ends up having his own garden. But because Nesta is magical in this headcanon (because she’s more witchy in my fics) he learns A LOT about poisons. Not because Nesta teaches him, but because he finds her books and reads them and starts growing them. This becomes a problem, because when Julian doesn’t like his tutors or teachers, he starts trying to poison them. Like not killing them, but he knows which will give stomach aches, which will give rashes. Nesta is both proud and reprimanding.

I do feel like they might have more, but I don’t know for now I feel this is good for their set family. Five in total for their first gaggle of children lol. But all of them are asked if they want to be an Archeron. All of them say yes. All of them have each other’s back even if they have screaming matches on the daily. The house is mostly chaotic at all times but the House loves having people in it and laughing and being filled to the brim with stuffed animals and train sets and plants and music and family members coming in and out since Nyx visits often because he’s an only child for a very long time with Feyre taking more of a position in court rulings and Rhysand just being generally busy because you know High Lord/High Lady stuff. I don’t see Feyre being a stay at home mom but I also don’t see Rhys being a stay at home dad, but they’re also rulers so I peg them for both being working parents, which they feel guilty about A LOT at first, and it’s something that they struggle with in the confines of their own identities and their relationship, because they love Nyx and they know they’re parents but that’s not all they are, and without having the gender role of one parent staying home it’s very difficult for them to both rule, but Rhys does not want to stop being a high lord and Feyre is bored too often and she wants to rule and she knows she can, and she has that title for a reason and wants to utilize it. So it’s a hard time, with lots of arguments, but Nyx ends up mostly going with Cassian for a good amount of the day when he’s older and they have more kids in the house, and Nyx doesn’t really know that Feyre and Rhys had this problem, because he’d just prefer to be around the other kids and it ends up working really well.

Cassian ends up being more of the stay at home parent. I don’t know why but I feel he just gives me that vibe where forget the courtier business, if there’s no war and if the armies are generally taken care of which he does, he wants to stay home and raise his kids, which is very surprising since he’s the one who doesn’t ever take vacations. He wants to be there for every moment no matter how awkward or loud. That’s his family and he’s waited so long for them, and it’s not even about him not having that family early on, it’s because he genuinely would rather be with his kids. He’s the one who as soon as they got the siblings was like I’m going to have to take a step back, because he saw his kids every day but he just didn’t want to be away for long periods of time, and at that point he’d already taken several steps back on working, so it became more of a done deal then. He still is the general, but he gives more responsibility to Devlon and to other people he’s trained over the years to step up. So generally, Cassian will work a couple of days a week for a couple of hours or just go quickly in the evenings, go over reports if the kids are in class with their teachers, and more during certain times of the year, but he’s generally more of a family man.

Nesta in my fic/headcanon ends up being a queen as well as a leader of the witches and the founder/leader of the Valkyrie and she owns a shipping company and she’s the cauldron’s guardian which don’t ask me to explain, it’s in this fic I’ve barely written. But she’s a “I can bake the cake and eat it too” type of person to me, and because of her magic it is easy for her to do it all because it’s like a full time job. She goes home after a certain hour and she’s back with her kiddos, and most of her jobs have other people who have a handle on things as well. So she’s not an island, but she loves having the purpose and the drive, because as much as she did like being in the library and being in Velaris and having that day to day slice of life, she likes and yearns for adventure. She’s a go-getter and is not necessarily ambitious for power, but she’s got the whole world to discover and she can have anything she’s willing to work for. She wants to be and see it all. Cassian is endlessly proud of her and is like that’s my mate, my wife. My mate. My wife. And they both end up getting what they want without having to sacrifice their own ideals. Their marriage is a collaboration and it ends up working phenomenally for the two of them and their children.

But ultimately it’s really the House that makes it possible. Because who cooks food and cleans and supplies every need and wish and whatnot? The House. Who baby proofs? The House. The House is like I’ve always wanted a big family and boy does it get a big family.

#nessian #nesta archeron #cassian #nessian headcanon #nessian hc

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fairycosmos · 4 years ago

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i need help i can’t stop thinking about killing myself like it’s happened before but i’ve never gone through with it it’s going to hurt i know it i know

i'm really sorry to hear that love :( it seems like you're having such a hard time right now. i know there's nothing i can do or say that will really put a dent in ur pain, but since we're both here rn i'll do a bit of talking and if you're not feeling it you can ignore it, or you can come back to this later. maybe you want to try some grounding exercises, here / here and here before you feel capable of focusing. that's ok, take all the time you need. now, as someone who also struggles with this, i just wanted to say that i understand the intensity of the moment and how sometimes it really feels like the urge to give up is far stronger than any notion of hope the future has to offer. it is totally understandable how we get to this point when so much of life just seems to be suffering. having said that, i think it's a good sign that you reached out to me and an even better sign that you're able to recognize that these ARE just thoughts. and while they can be very powerful hurtful things, they do not exist in the tangible reality. not every idea that passes through your mind has to be believed or acted upon - all of this turmoil and self loathing, it is not factual and it is not permanent either. you're not in a place right now where you can trust your thoughts and feelings, so please let them pass on through, even if that takes a long time. allow it to. we've already established that this state of mind has come and gone in the past, and it will do the same again, if you give it the chance to. i'm not trying to downplay how unbelievably hard to live with, of course, but it can be freeing to acknowledge that this is transient no matter how difficult it is to endure. that fear is your survival instinct and it's kicking in to keep you here. you deserve to be here and you deserve to thrive, no matter what your mind is telling you. it sounds like you're going through phases of intense suicidal ideation and there can be a whole host of underlying causes for this - mental illness, past trauma etc. obviously those are very serious issues that need real medical attention in order to begin to overcome but with that and with time, it is totally possible to learn to live a full live along side them. almost nuturing them, so they don't overwhelm you as much. sometimes it boils down to loving yourself through it like a parent loves a child.

are you currently in touch with a mental health professional of any sort? your doctor, a therapist, a support group, even a hotline? if not, i would really urge you to seek help as soon as possible. and if you already are, let them know where you're at with your thoughts lately so they can focus on treating you more intensely. if you're worried about money, there are cost-sensitive options like finding a therapist who offers a sliding scale price, or looking into mental health resources within your community. any effort, no matter how small, counts. i know the prospect of reaching out and being honest is a daunting one, and i'm only bringing it up as something to consider at the moment (or when you feel able to) so please don't write it off all together. but it really is not the nightmare your brain is probably building it up to be. just like with physical illness, mental illness can be confronted and worked with. it's all about learning how to manage your unique mind, and even if it takes a lifetime, it is so possible to lessen the frequency of crises like this, to become more prepared for them so they feel less earth-shattering when they do occur. talking about what you've been through, pinpointing root causes, learnng how to implement healthy coping mechanisms into your daily routine, building a support system, finding the medication for you if needed - all of this is going to make a difference. it is not going to fix everything, obviously, but it is going to lighten the weight. you deserve to be supported without judgement and with genuine care, you deserve to be heard. there are a lot of people, professionals or otherwise, even just randoms like me, who are willing to be that presence for you.

this isn't always the case but a LOT of the time, suicidal people don't want to die, they just want to stop living 'like this'. you don't have to hurt yourself in order to achieve that, i mean it. i know when you're in this state of mind, any even slightly positive statement just feels like rubbing salt into the wound. but even if you can't seriously take them on board, i hope when you're in a more grounded place you can at least consider them as valid alternatives to absolute hopelessness. you might as well, because you are alive and that is not always going to be a burden. you honestly have an inherent worth that has been with you since the day you were born. it isn't gone just because you can't see it right now. every day you fulfil your purpose by experiencing the world. you can't fathom how many lives you've touched, directly and indirectly, just by being who you are. it is so hard to believe it, i get that, but it is a fundamental truth. there is nothing you need to prove, or give. the future is ever changing and doesn't exist yet, and you've already survived the past, so the only thing that really matters is this moment. focus on what you need, not what you want, but what you need to do right now to truly prioritize yourself. even if that feels like the last thing on earth you want do. if self destruction and self harm was gonna work, it would've by now. it's ok to try something new and to attempt to guide yourself through this with a bit of self-compassion. please, if you feel like you are an immediate danger to yourself, please exercise that and call the authorities, a hotline or a friend/family member right away. no matter what lies your brain is feeding you, no matter how much you don't actually want to in the moment. everything is always changing and things are going to change beyond recognition, they always do. you deserve to stick around to see that, and once you've made the decision to do that, you won't have to be scared anymore, not the way you are right now. i'm going to leave some links that i think might be of some service to you right now, but like i said, please call someone if you feel you can't be alone right now. i believe in you so much and i really hope you are able do the right thing for your own safety. such strong emotions are not built to last. just get through today, or even the next five minutes, andthen go from there. sending so much love.

list of hotlines

coping with suicidal thoughts

coping with depression

template for creating a safety plan

so you feel like shit? (this site really helped me the other day)

#anon #tw suicide #long #talking #tw self harm

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ask-iamnotanalicorn · 4 years ago

Photo

Previous: The Flim Flam Timeline

The Wasteland Timeline:

This is the story of when Equestria fell.

And this it the story of when Equestria rose again.

The trials began as they always do: with the return of Nightmare Moon. The celestial sisters clashed, and Celestia fell. Heedless of the struggle it would be to keep the Sun set with its alicorn princess banished inside it, Nightmare Moon did just that, determined that her traitorous sister experience Nightmare’s punishment.

Nightmare’s reign of Equestria was strained, but Equestria could have borne it. But within a year, the capital was attacked by the Changelings, desperate to replenish their stores of pony love that had been stymied by the nation’s state of fear and uncertainty. Nightmare Moon was barely managing to repel the threat when the Crystal Empire returned, and King Sombra began to march on her northern borders. With attacks from within and attacks from without, a distrusted leader on the throne, and economic failure rippling across the country as readily as the shifting front lines, the ponies of Equestria were more torn than ever.

So of course that’s when Discord escaped.

The upside of Discord’s release was that it temporarily stopped the fighting. Even King Sombra was smart enough to withdraw in the face of the mad draconequus on a quest of vengeance against all ponies. Queen Chrysalis and Queen Nightmare Moon (who had absconded herself at first sign of Discord’s escape, using every possible trick to keep him from finding her) formed a temporary peace treaty in order to seek a solution - for a world ruled by Discord was useless to all of them. (Granted, the Changelings could withdraw to their protected realm, but Chrysalis had tasted power and wasn’t about to let Discord have it all. She was quite looking forward to stabbing Nightmare Moon in the back afterwards.)

Their solution: a magical contract with the long-imprisoned centaur, Tirek. Tirek was more than happy to oblige. He single-handedly decimated Sombra’s troops, gorging himself on the magic of Crystal Empire and Equestrian ponies alike. It is possible that, if Discord hadn’t come to see what all the fuss was about himself, Tirek would have kept right on gorging to the very limit of the contract that bound him.

When the two titans clashed, the battle that ensued sundered hundreds of miles of landscape. Canterlot bore the greatest brunt; the castle collapsed completely from its cliffside home, the city little more than ruins. Discord’s attacks spread wildly unpredictable waves of chaos magic across much of Equestria. And when at long last Tirek had defeated him and sucked him dry, the lingering effects of that chaos magic stayed rooted in the ground like weeds.

It seemed, for the briefest moment, as if the worst problem was over. But of course, a power-maddened Tirek is a worse threat - because at least Discord doesn’t go out of his way to destroy everything in sight. Drunk on chaos magic, Tirek easily broke the tenuous contract with the queens and set across the landscape, draining ponies by the thousands and carving swaths through the countryside for the sheer wicked joy of destruction. His power was even mighty enough to destroy the changeling hive, overpowering its magical protections.

There was no choice - the two remaining rulers of any species in the land had to either defeat their own creation or face the loss of all they held dear. Nightmare Moon called upon the power of the Moon itself, drawing it nearer to Equestria in a desperate gambit. Tidal waves rocked Equestria’s coastlines, submerging Manehattan and other coastal cities entirely, and the alicorn of the night shone with deadly moonlit radiance as she bombarded Tirek with the full brunt of her power. But even Nightmare Moon at the height of her power was not strong enough to stop Tirek at the height of his, and he struck her down against the surface of the Moon itself. Some of the dislodged chunks rained down on the world, damaging more of not only Equestria, but many other countries on that side of the planet.

Tirek seemed to have won; all he had left to deal with was one small, angry changeling queen. An assured victory, no doubt.

He could not have known how wrong he was. For a changeling might give its magic willingly to a spell like Tirek’s with no ill effects, but an unwilling changeling queen will not be robbed of her power easily. As Tirek’s powers drain magic, so changeling powers drain love - and no one in all the world had such self-love as Tirek. The cycle of Tirek draining her magic and Chrysalis draining his became a self-consuming spell spiral that ultimately imploded upon itself, taking both creatures with it.

The resulting explosion could be heard across the celestial sea. For a few moments, there was something like an artificial sun on the horizon - a sun that had set directly on Equestria.

Then came the silence. After three years of war, devastation, and disasters unlike any the world had ever seen, there was silence.

And as the silence stretched, the survivors stirred.

Earth ponies, pegasi, unicorns, crystal ponies, and zebras; yaks, cows, goats, donkeys, and buffalo; gryphons, dragons, hippogryphs, minotaurs, and changelings: in spite of everything, many had survived. They rose from their hiding places to find an Equestria and Crystal Empire in ruins. No major cities still stood; borders and coastlines were unrecognizable. Large swaths of land once green and lush were barren and blasted, and spots of chaos magic lay in wait for creatures unwise enough to enter them unprotected. The moon hung wrecked in a dark sky, shining in shattered glory down on the devastation that had been the once-rich land of Equestria.

But the great destroyers were gone. None of the titans and tyrants who had brought this destruction down on the country remained. The usual monsters hardly seemed a threat anymore; those who had survived thus far had learned to cope with far worse. They could build new settlements, make new ways of life, come together or fall apart on their own merits.

And the most hopeful sign of all came the next day. The first actual day since Nightmare Moon returned and the Thousand Days of Woe began:

The Sun - weak and red in the dust-filled sky - slowly rose over the horizon.

The Princess of the Sun had not returned yet; perhaps she is still trapped by her sister’s spell. Perhaps another way of escape is being laid. But the light fills the ponies’ hearts with hope.

The Equestria they knew is gone. But the New Equestria has a future.

____

Sunday, Aug.10, 4 A.C.

Dear Journal,

It’s really strange dating things this way; but with everything that’s happened, most folks agree it’ll be easier to date our calendars starting with the fall of Princess Celestia. ‘After Celestia’ sounds so grim, though; kinda hope we change it. Maybe when the Princess returns... we’re praying she does.

Anyway, I still can’t believe we found a whole stock of blank paper in the storerooms! We’re saving most of it for bartering, but Mom thinks it’s smart for one of us to make notes for posterity, so it looks like I get to keep you. I’ll try to be short to save space, but it just feels so good to write again!

The move into the Canterlot ruins ruins is going pretty well. A few other families joined us after our last trip to Apple Fort, and we’ve shored up our defenses in case the air pirates make another flyby. Pop and I negotiated a deal with the Apples - food in exchange for books. A few of the unicorns know replication spells and are using some of the paper to make copies of really important texts so we don’t lose valuable knowledge to an accident. It still blows my mind how much we’ve lost in... was life really normal only a few years ago? It feels like another lifetime that I was in this very city, talking to the Princess, sitting at a normal cafe... eating lunch with Cam and Press...

I don’t want to forget them. Camera Shy and Pressing Matters, my best friends. Maybe they’re still out there somewhere. We run into old friends every now and then - my old traveling salespony gig has come in handy, actually! I’ve found a bunch of people who used to be clients, it really helps with forming trade and peace treaties with other groups. So it could happen. Please, Prince, keep them safe wherever they are.

I’m really blessed, though. I have to remember that. I have Mom and Pop and Black and Per and Chewie - although I’m still not used to Chewie flying and talking now. She’s such a character. Lots of ponies are missing family - so are we, we haven’t been able to find most of the extended family, but Pop got word from Aunt Pitter that she and my cousin Light Drizzle are out west somewhere, and Pitch Apple is down at Apple Fort, thank the King.

And we could be worse! We made friends with a tinkerer named Steam Punk, he made me a new wing that works as good as my old one! (Not a HUGE bar to cross, but it’s still really impressive!) I’m talking him into working with me to start a production house that can make and sell them affordably to other handicapped pegasi. And Mom got her flight back thanks to a gem Black and some other mages crafted. I think she still misses her diving mark, but she’s so brave and optimistic, it really inspires everyone. I wish we could do something for Pop’s horn, but he’s finding other ways to help out. Per is... well, I guess if you’re going to get turned into a pony-dragon, you’d want to be as cheerful about it as Per. Who knows, maybe she’ll still get a cutie mark someday! And Black is fully aware that he looks pretty boss with an eyepatch, the dork.

There’s rumors that Princess Cadance might be alive and organizing the crystal ponies up North; lots of ponies are heading that way, but I think our group will stay here. There’s a lot of resources in the Canterlot ruins and in the castle, although Black leads the expeditions into the castle because of safety issues. I never knew he was so good at exploration and such; guess there were a few skills he was holding out on us over the years, but turns out he was working for the Princess before! What in Equus, I gave him such an earful for being all secretive about being my bodyguard or whatever.

I’m running out of page, so I’ll wrap up today. We’re holding a worship service later, Pop and Parson Brown are setting it up. We want to keep focusing on what we have to be thankful for. We are GOING to get through this. The King, the Prince, and the Advocate have not abandoned us, and we have each other.

~Salespitch

----

Fun Facts About The Wasteland Timeline:

- This was my favorite timeline to draw =D I HAD to get some steampunk stuff in there, although there are definitely Mad Max vibes. The convenient thing about this timeline is that it was a literal blank slate, so I could really get creative with it! I feel like this would make a neat bookmark, what do ya’ll think?

- I tried to reference all the major villains in the picture. Extra shoutout to ReversalMushroom, the patron who sponsored this Alternate Timeline Special, for giving me the ideas for the changeling goo and Tirek’s hoofprints, which were added in during the coloring phase. I think they round it out quite nicely!

- The random bit of Candy Forest over the crevice there is one of the pockets left behind by Discord’s chaos magic going wild. Most ponies avoid it because here’s WEIRD stuff in there, and ponies who go in there usually come out a little weirder themselves.

- Black lost his eye and half his sunglasses in a fight with some Changelings. He gets on quite well with only one eye, though, and he insists his sunglass-lens eyepatch is going to be the height of eyepatch fashion. (He DOES have a sense of humor in case anyone doubted it. ;) ) Black taught everyone basic survival techniques and does most of the more dangerous tasks.

- Sales lost his wing during Tirek’s rampage; he tried to distract Tirek, but they didn’t have time to make the plan from the Tirek timeline, so he got swatted pretty quickly. On the upside, Tirek lost sight of him and didn’t get his magic. Sales can fly about as well now with his new steampunk wing, which combines technology and magic to mimic low-level pegasus flight (which was where he was at anyway, so he made a great first test subject!) Sales’ main job is negotiating peaceful trades with other groups.

- Sales Patter (Dad) lost his horn while pushing his wife out of the way of some falling rubble. He insists he was only mediocre at magic anyway, and he doesn’t need a horn to do business! He does miss it, though. He helps their new community with allocating resources.

- Pitch Forward (Mom) lost her magic and cutie mark to Tirek’s onslaught. The gem in her coat simulates flight for her, although not quite at the level she was before. She and Sales joke about how he can almost beat her in a race now. She helps with the kids in their small community and teaches flying techniques to pegasi.

- Pitch Perfect got hit with a random blast of Discord magic that turned her half dragon. It took a little getting used to, but she honestly thinks it is super neat. She’s pretty good at sniffing out gems now, which (when she isn’t eating them) helps with family finances. Her friends Codebreak and Castle Crasher are part of their little community, and the three are constantly getting into trouble (which most everyone silently thinks of as a nice bit of familiarity.)

- Chewie ALSO got Discord’d; she has fairy wings now and she can talk. Chewie still likes Sales the best and hovers around him chattering like Navi half the time. The other half of the time she forgets she has wings and just hops around exploring. At this point she’s become less like a pet and more like another tiny sister, to Per’s delight and everyone else’s raised anxiety levels. She is VERY aware of her surroundings and alerts the group to intruders and strangers. She really misses computer games.

- Princess Celestia will eventually return, although by that time I feel that the various groups gathering together will have formed something like a decent society again. It remains to be seen if they’ll go back to a monarchy, create a government of connected micronations, or turn into something like the United States.

- And yes, Camera Shy, Pressing Matters, and Press’s husband Curler are all alive. They’ll meet up someday!

---

A/N: Thank you all for joining me on this journey through time and space to explore the seven MLP timelines and where Sales & Co might have ended up in them! I hope you enjoyed it; I had a good bit of fun coming up with the different scenarios, it was a great brain exercise. =D Thank you again to all my Patrons, and to ReversalMushroom for sponsoring this particular special! There will be a final post next week of all the pictures together, with links back to their storyline posts.

I also want to thank you for bearing with me as the regular updates continue to be on hiatus. This has been a rough and strange year for all of us, and I hope you all are safe and healthy and know that you are loved. Jesus has really been with me through this year, and even tonight as I write this; there are things I struggle with, but I know that they do not define my value, HE does. =) And I, like Sales, want to count my blessings, the biggest one (aside from my faith in God) being that I have family around me who love me and care for me. I’m very much looking forward to Christmas! =D

Merry Christmas! May your Christmas and New Year contain joy and peace, and may Christ Jesus rest His hands on you and draw your heart to His. In Jesus’ Name, amen.

~River Babble

#mlp ask blog #pony ask blog #tirek #sombra #nightmare moon #Queen Chrysalis #mlp discord #IANAA #Salespitch

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theres-an-impulstor-among-us · 4 years ago

Note

Vaunna my beloved ❤

After your amazing Wels and Hels armorstand scene on my server could I get Wels and Hels story? Please? 👉👈

Oca my beloved ❤️

This is genuinely one of my favourite oneshots I’ve written. I just love the Wels/Hels dynamic so much.

Also this is technically a sequel to the last one I wrote so go read it here if you like! This one does make sense without it tho

...

It’s been a few weeks since the server has seen an evil hermit incident, and even though most of the hermits have let down their guard, Welsknight hasn’t. He hasn’t stopped being vigilant since his last encounter with Helsknight. He knows that his evil counterpart is out there somewhere, waiting for another chance to kill him.

Wels knows he can’t give him that chance.

One morning, while out in the desert, grinding for sand, Wels keeps spotting movement out the corner of his eye but every time he looks, he sees nothing. At first, he thinks it’s just the desert playing tricks on his mind. But his knight training tells him not to be so quick to jump to conclusions.

Eventually, he decides to put most of his stuff in a chest and go have a look, just in case. He leaves his valuables in the chest and explores the immediate area, looking carefully for any threats.

He hears the sound behind him and twists to the side, a split second before a figure appears out of nowhere and attempts to shove him to the ground.

Wels jumps back a few steps and raises his diamond pickaxe, realising too late he accidentally brought it instead of his sword. “Helsknight.”

His evil counterpart grins. “Hey, Welsy. Your face is looking great.”

Wels’s hand automatically rises to his cheek, where the burn scar from their last encounter still sits. “Thanks. What are you doing here?”

“I’m here for you, of course. It’s time we have another little battle, don’t you think?”

Normally, Wels wouldn’t hesitate to stay and fight. But he doesn’t have a real weapon and his inventory is practically empty.

So he bolts back towards his chest, intending to grab his sword for a proper battle. But then he realises he may be running directly into a trap, so he changes direction.

However, at that moment, the ground under his feet gives way, sending him tumbling down into the hole below.

His fall seems to last only a few seconds but it must be far; when he hits the ground, pain explodes through his whole body. He’s fallen very far.

A second after he lands, he hears a splash from nearby and glances up. With the sunlight streaming through the hole, he can see a figure emerging from a single source block of water to his left. His heart skips a beat.

“You idiot!” Hels snaps, tossing the bucket at the wall. “You triggered the trap too soon! I wasn’t out of the way yet!”

“Oh, I’m sorry!” Wels’s voice is strained from pain but his anger is unmistakable. “You’re right; I should have been able to avoid the secret trap you set up for me. Dang it. But hey, at least I’m not now stuck in a hole in terrible pain with next to no resources! That sure wouldn’t be ideal!”

Hels glares at him. “Quit it with the sarcasm. This is all your fault.”

Wels feels indignance boil inside him but he forces himself not to rise to the bait. His rational mind knows there’s no point arguing with Hels. “Whatever. I’m gonna see if my friends will come save me.”

He taps out a message to the server asking for help, and within a minute, he gets replies from both Etho and Joe.

“They’re on their way,” he says. “You may as well relax, cuz we’re not going anywhere ‘til then.”

Hels huffs and sits down a few blocks away from Wels, crossing his arms irritably.

They sit in silence for a long time. The sun crosses the sky above them, marking the end of the morning and the start of the afternoon.

After a while, Wels decides to try and be practical. He checks his inventory; all he has on him is his diamond pickaxe, sixteen obsidian, a flint and steel, a single piece of bread, and some seeds. Nothing particularly useful. There aren’t enough blocks to pillar out, and Wels can hardly move while sitting, let alone standing, anyway. He could make a nether portal, but what would be the point? There’s no way he can survive better in the nether than in this pit right now.

He glances up. “Hels, do you have-.”

“I don’t have anything on me, useful or otherwise,” says Hels immediately.

Wels knows this means he doesn’t have food on him either. He can tell from the pouty expression on Hels’s face that his counterpart is hungry. Even though Wels’s hunger was reduced somewhat by the fall, he decides to be the bigger person.

He breaks his loaf of bread in half and offers the bigger part to Hels, who eyes him suspiciously. “What are you doing?”

Frowning confusedly, Wels replies, “Giving you some bread.”

“Why?”

“...because we both need food?”

“Yeah, so why don’t you just eat it all? You’ll be fuller.”

“But you won’t have any.” Wels shakes his hand. “Just take it.”

Hels continues to scowl at him. “Is it poisoned?”

Sighing and rolling his eyes, Wels flicks the piece of bread into Hels’s lap and starts slowly eating his own. Out the corner of his eye, he watches Hels carefully inspect the bread before taking a hesitant bite. Finally satisfied that he isn’t being tricked, Hels starts to gobble the bread.

Wels watches him curiously. “Why would I try to poison you, Hels?”

Hels shrugs. “We’re enemies, isn’t that what we do? Try to kill each other?”

“No,” Wels says. “That’s the way YOU see our relationship. I never wanted to be enemies with you, you know.”

“Really? Wasn’t it you who started all this?”

“No, you literally turned up out of the blue and dropped me in a hole one day. Then I destroyed you in a rap battle. Remember that?”

“I remember the hole,” says Hels. “Don’t remember losing any rap battle.”

“Uh huh.”

The two fall into silence as they eat. Wels continues to watch Hels, who has already finished his half of the bread.

“Can I make an observation?” he asks after a few minutes.

Hels huffs. “No but you’re gonna do it anyway.”

“You’re not used to the concept of sharing, are you?”

“Sharing?” Hels sits up straighter, a possessive look appearing in his eyes. “I don’t share anything! Nothing!”

“That’s not what I meant,” says Wels. “I meant the concept of people voluntarily sharing things with you.”

Hels glares at him for a moment longer, before relaxing visibly. “No. Back in my dimension, it’s every person for themselves. You protect what you’ve got cuz if you don’t, you’re gonna lose it forever, so people hoard their stuff like it’s made of gold. I never got attached to anything cuz I knew it’d probably get snatched away from me sooner or later. I-.” He breaks off as he registers Wels’s expression. “Oh, don’t you dare pity me,” he growls.

“I’m not.”

“Yes you are, you’re looking at me like I’m an abandoned baby dog or something.”

Wels raises an eyebrow. “Baby dog? You mean a puppy?”

“Shut up!” Hels growls again and huffily turns away from his counterpart. “I’m not a stupid puppy for you to adopt and train! If I get the opportunity, I WILL kill you. I would gladly leave you here to rot if it meant I could get outta this stupid hole. In fact, the only reason I’m not beating you to death right now is because you’re my best chance of getting out of here alive.”

A pause follows his words.

Eventually, Wels sighs. “Sometimes, it’s so easy to see that you’re all the worst parts of me combined.”

To his surprise, Hels doesn’t respond. His arms are folded but Wels can’t see his expression, can’t see that his counterpart’s eyes are misted over.

Hels is frustrated with himself; Wels has insulted him many times since their first meeting so why did that one little remark hurt him so much? Why has it brought him to tears like this?

Maybe it’s because Wels’s remark forced him to remember that he’s not his own person. He wasn’t born organically; he was brought into existence by a combination of Wels and a weird cloning machine. The nature of his “birth” means he isn’t a real person. He’s just a copy of Wels, made up of all the parts of himself that he hates.

Maybe that’s all he’ll ever be.

A soft groan brings Hels out of his thoughts. He glances to the right and sees that Wels’s condition has deteriorated; his skin has rapidly paled and he’s clearly struggling to breathe.

As Hels watches, Wels reaches a shaking hand into his inventory and weakly throws an item to Hels, who catches it and turns it over. It’s a flint and steel.

Hels glances up in time to see Wels drop some obsidian down beside him as well. “Go, Hels,” he rasps. “Make a portal and go back to the nether.”

Hels blinks, his mind racing as he tries to figure out the catch. “What are you doing? Why did you give me this?”

“So you can escape. My friends are coming for me but I’ll probably die before they get here. If you’re still here when they arrive, there’s no telling what they’ll do to you. Just go while you still can.”

After a moment, Hels narrows his eyes. “Are you tricking me? What’s the catch?”

“Nothing,” Wels insists weakly. “Just please, go, quickly.”

“No, seriously. Why are you so insistent I leave?”

“B-Because…” Wels hesitates, taking in a shaky breath. “Because it’s getting dark and the mobs will be coming soon and I don’t want you to die. If I die, I respawn. You don’t.”

Hels stares at his counterpart in confusion. “You… don’t want me to die?”

“Of course not. How many times do we have to-.”

He breaks off as he tries to stifle a pained cry. The fall damage he took is starting to catch up with him now.

The groan of a zombie sounds from nearby. Hels’s eyes widen with fear.

“Go, Hels!” Wels’s voice cracks. “Please!”

Looking deep into his counterpart’s eyes and finding nothing but fear and desperation in them, Hels turns and creates a portal on the very edge of the pit, lighting it up with the flint and steel.

He glances back at Wels one final time, before disappearing through the portal.

Wels closes his eyes, breathing a shallow sigh. His counterpart should be safe; if he’s anything like Wels himself, he knows how to survive on his own.

As the mob sounds start to surround him, he feels a calm sense of relief. He knows he’ll respawn back in his bed, and at this moment, he doesn’t care that he’ll lose the items he has on him right now. He just wants the pain to end.

…

Hidden safely in the nether, Hels clutches the flint and steel his counterpart gave him. He can’t stop staring at it; it represents the sacrifice Wels made for him. The first time anyone has been willing to lay down their own life for him. He can hardly believe it even happened at all; the concept of loving someone enough to want to protect them even at the cost of their own life is completely foreign.

As he’s puzzling this out, a message appears on the communicator he stole from Wels during their last confrontation. A message he knew deep down was coming, but one that still catches him off guard.

Welsknight was slain by zombie

#hermitcraft #helsknight #welsknight #Vaunna writes

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hesther-mcg · 4 years ago

Text

chained

➥ pairing: bucky barnes x f!reader

➥ summary: the one where two people are chained to one another, hopelessly in love but every bit of wrong for one another

➥ rating: angst, song fic, biker!bucky au

➥ warnings: explicit language, mentions of toxic relationship

➥ a/n: happy valentines day! in the name of irony i’m going to post this today, bc i can. this has been rattling around in my noggin for a bit now and i actually rlly like this. i hope u do too. i highly recommend listening to the song while reading, its also available on spotify.

chained :: elle king ft. cameron neal chained marvel m. list

We can run away, but we can’t hide for long

And all that lingers harms us

She’d tried it—moving houses, running away from the problems she was used to, changing things. She’d already tried it, and it had worked beautifully at first. The high of being in a new place, a place all to themselves, it was wonderful. And it had brought out the man she had started to believe was gone, the man she’d loved for so many suns and so many moons; years of her life having been spent growing alongside him, and she felt nothing short of complete satisfaction.

“Thanks for running away with me,” she’d whispered to him in the late hours of the night, head rested on his bare chest and his calloused hand running up and down over the delicate skin of her back.

“I’ll go wherever you want me to, babe,” was his promise, spoken softly into the dark with a tenderness reserved for her heart and ears only.

But all good things came to an end, and her life had brought truth to that statement. Things settled, routines came back and everything that lingered became visible. The issues that remained, the unspoken anger and unresolved conflicts rearing their ugly heads once again. She’d tried to pack up her life and her love and run away, but she was learning that she couldn’t hide for long.

I can lie to you, but the truth comes alive

Every time I die saying goodbye

Everything was a slow progression, the honeymoon phase wearing off slowly but surely; the conflicts creeping in where they weren’t welcomed. Again, everything was fine at first, they seemed to move as a team and it filled her heart with a warmth almost indescribable—they were so much of the same mind, in her eyes.

But then things drifted off course, the scales tipped in every which way except balanced—right where she wanted, and irritation grew to be the default when she saw his hands reach for the motorcycle keys. Betrayal became the default when she looked away from him and nodded her head, giving a flat and unconvincing ‘I’m okay,’ or ‘have fun.’ Hurt became the default when she bit her tongue until her mouth filled with the taste of crimson copper and her sobs shook her entire body, the sound of a roaring motorcycle engine filling the house.

She could lie, but he always knew. They had their problems, they battled through their conflicts, but they were still positive and negative forces magnetically pulling the other closer, two links in a chain stuck together for eternity.

Cause I don’t want to change

but I can’t stay this way

Love was a lot of things; sometimes she thought of it as something warm and familiar and safe, and other times she was convinced it was the chain that kept her around. She loved him, god damnit did she love James Barnes, but she knew that she was nearing her limit. Her heart could only take so much before she’d lose herself completely, and then she was done for beyond that point. Forever damaged; irreparable.

When Y/N thought about a life where she was on her own, miles upon miles away from the man she only wanted love and comfort from, her chest felt similar to how she imagined a sinkhole made the earth feel. The memories they shared, the laughs and the cries and the endless fun, it would forever haunt her if she were to leave—but one could argue that they already haunted her, already plagued her thoughts and dreams and every second she was breathing.

“What do you want?!” He’d screamed when she’d brought up her concerns, arms raised in the air and brows furrowed.

“Things can’t stay this way, James,” she’d stressed, fingers knotting her hair as they frantically ran through the strands.

And I don’t even mind staying chained, and thinking of you

Thinking of you

“What if I don’t wanna change?”

The breath had caught in her throat at his words, heart sinking to the pits of her stomach as her teary eyes bore into his, his figure blurry but radiating frustration.

“Then I’ll leave,” she threatened, the words burning her mouth as she spoke them. “I love you but I won’t let that stop me.”

But she always did—when he crawled into bed with slow movements and gentle hands, words soft, sweet, and oh so guilty. Apologies and false promises, admissions of love and sweet nothings, it mended her heart for the time being and she remained in the same place.

Is it up to me?

It’s always been up to you to find the peace we needed to

Strength had been dwindling, strength to fight for a relationship immersed in chaos. When things blew up, when the road grew rocky and dangerous and sometimes even lethal, it’d always been her to struggle putting the pieces back together. His words of affirmation and endless charm was the glue that only temporarily mended the cracks, but it was her will and her strive that got them there in the end.

Strength was dwindling, and she was starting to give up. “It’s always been up to me, James,” she’d told him, voice quiet, scratchy, and broken. “It’s always been me, but it’s on you now.”

He hadn’t responded, lips slightly parted as he took in the way that she didn’t even bother looking at him. He knew he’d been digging a grave, and he was starting to see that eventually he’d have to lie in it if he didn’t straighten up. The problems in their lives, in both him and her, they were deeply rooted and while she’d been trying to hack away at them, he’d only been watering them.

Is it said and done, is it carved in the stone?

How many days is it gonna take ‘til we get back home?

Most days, he did nothing but convince her that their fate was sealed—that their ultimate demise on the horizon and refused to move for anything. She’d tried and tried to tell herself that that wasn’t the truth, exalted all resources willing into existence the fact that they were meant to be—stuck together for the trials and tribulations that life undoubtedly bring them.

Things could change, and perhaps they would; nothing was said and done for them because only Y/N could write her story and only she could choose her ending.

But the harder she held on, the longer the path seemed to be. If what they had was a journey through struggle and strife, then the journey seemed years and years long—an endless battle to just make it through the days to even see the end of the road, and it more often than not left her wondering how long it would take before they would make it back home. How long would it be before they returned to where they started—sickeningly sweet, head over heels in love and willing to do anything under the sun for one another.

Cause I don’t want to change

But I can’t stay this way

If this was what growth was, then she wished someone had told her of how painful it was. It felt like scratchy throats from screaming matches, aching chests from nights spent clawing away at the burning skin, and so many more things that weren’t even worth listing. The point of it was that she was finally reaching the point where the door was opening, creaking slowly and revealing the outside world where she could escape.

Y/N didn’t want to escape, but she was starting to see that maybe it was what she needed to do. At one point she had loved her life because he had made the sun shine brighter every day and the stars twinkle a little more each night, and while she longed for that version of James he was not anywhere in sight—and hadn’t been for a long time.

She knew she couldn’t stay this way, she knew it and felt like a complete idiot every time she saw her own reflection, but, much like the aforementioned growth, this change was just as painful. And pain was something she’d felt enough of.

And I don’t even mind staying chained, and thinking of you

Thinking of you

The doors had all been slammed, every single one had the unfortunate fate of being in the path of an angry James, and a few of them hadn’t survived and refused to close completely.

“Why do you want to leave so bad, huh? If you don’t wanna be here then just fucking leave!” The emotional torment was clear as day in his voice as he screamed to the top of his lungs, and it tore her heart to shreds.

“You know damn well why!” She’d shouted back, face beet red as her chest violently heaved. “I don’t fucking deserve this, Buck, and I’m sick and tired of it!” Her nerves buzzed under the surface of her skin and she could feel her pulse in her face, and the man before her only stared back with dark eyes.

“You won’t change,” she’d sobbed. “You won’t and you know it, and if you loved me you would.”

“Y/N—” he’d started, taking a step forward but she’d held her hands out, pushing herself against the wall to get further away.

“No.” Her words were shaky yet void of fear; actually, James could hear the grit that she’d developed after dealing with his shit for so long and he felt his chest cave in slightly. “You stay there and you listen to me.”

Will you wake me up? Will you shake me up?

Cause I’m losing my way in the game

The cracks and creases on her heart deepened greatly, and when they did so she felt every bit of it. The way his eyes bore into hers, as if he was searching her soul like he’d done so many times before, made her look away—for this time she couldn’t trust him to search with good intentions.

“I’ve tried for a long time to make this work, and you can’t tell me you don’t see it. You’re not stupid, James; don’t pretend to be.” She’d shook her head with her last statement, hair going every which way and tears almost filled his eyes because she was right. “But it wont work if something doesn’t give and I’ve given enough!”

He nodded lamely, because that’s all he could think to do. He knew she didn’t want his words, they didn’t matter right now.

“Are you even serious about this? About us? You know this isn’t a joke, this is MY life! It goes way beyond just you and your issues and your anger,” her arms waved around in the air. “James, I’m losing myself in this and you’re supposed to save me!”

The tears did fill his eyes then, stinging the blue orbs and causing him to blink rapidly. He felt like shit, and every bone in his body ached with guilt.

Even at our best, my love

Neither one of us was ever really good enough

The realization that some things truly weren’t meant to be, that some people really weren’t meant to be together, was a tough pill to swallow. Y/N felt herself choke on it multiple times throughout the years, but it was finally down and done with. She couldn’t say if they were never meant to meet, or just never meant to stay together, but either way she knew that they were a recipe for disaster.

Her chemicals and his mixed together didn’t make the love that lasted a lifetime, the kind that made it through the dark and the light of the rocky road through life. They made poison, a stunning and paralyzing formula of toxic traits and deep rooted issues. They weren’t a match; even at their best they were never compatible—just too blind and in love to see it.

“I don’t know why I can’t change, and I will always stay this way,” she sang softly, her heartbreak shining through under the bright lights of the stage in a bar miles and miles away from the man she loved. The band behind her kept up well, putting the raw emotion behind every beat and note that this song required, and for that she was grateful. It was a slight break in the constant dull that she felt, a break that she was beginning to believe she wouldn’t see in her lifetime.

“And I don’t even mind staying chained,” the drawl in her voice was nothing short of old soul and broken dreams, and it wouldn’t have fit in anywhere other than the rundown bar filled with folks of a similar kind. She’d worn heartache daily long before she walked away from that house, but now it never seemed to wipe off. It was never ending, and so was the thought of him. She truly was chained to him, and sometimes in the middle of tear filled nights she told herself that he was still chained to her as well. “And thinking of you.”

Thinking of you, thinking of you, thinking of you.

➥ send as ask to be added to the bucky tag list!

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