#i have reverted to my 16 year old self

[anonymityisfunwriter]

The Birds and The Bees

A.N. I don't usually do many author's notes in Tumblr, but never, never, not once, has a fic ever been so requested, by so many different people, that I feel like I have to.

@i-love-mommy-wanda "Being that she stayed in a room most of her life- just hear me out- a oneshot - of Sam giving her the" TALK!" like birds and bees and where baby's come from I think that would be funny" @/thequeeranarchist "I don't know if you take requests, but I thought about if someone had to explain the birds and the bees to sunshine considering she probably never had been told about it. Idk, I thought about sunshine and Bucky's first time together too, but I don't know your comfortability with what you write and what you don't. And grumpy x sunshine is officially my favourite trope now bc of this series."

I don't even - I just don't even know what to say. (Please note, that as I write this, I'm quite literally giggling to myself and have quite literally reverted to my awkward 16 year old self) I get requests somewhat regularly, but this, this is the most requested topic. You guys just really wanted to know about this.

Listen, here's the thing, reading second hand embarrassment is one thing. WRITING IT? I was in physical pain, but the scene wasn't going to write itself. I tried, it really didn't write itself.

But I did it. Because I love you guys. And now, it'll be another 5 to 7 business days before I can log back on.

P.S. I know there's other people who requested it too, but I can't find the requests, but please know I didn't forget about you!

Anon's 1K Celebration

Pairing: Grumpy!Bucky Barnes x Sunshine!Reader Summary: Falling in love is easy, as natural as breathing, so why is talking about it so embarrassing?

"Sam," you frantically call from the doorway, clutching your racing heart, "I think I'm dying."

"What? Why? What happened?" Sam rushes out, frantically searching you for signs of duress.

You double over, hands clutching your sides, "Well, I'm not sure, but I did Google it and I think I'm having a heart attack."

Sam takes a long sigh, resting his hands on his hips in mild exasperation. At least he knew you weren't actually dying. "And why do you think you're having a heart attack?"

"I just," you dramatically clutch your chest, finally standing upright, "My heart feels like it's in my stomach, and- and I'm all sweaty, and fluttery. And I want to curl up into a little ball and die, but maybe also listen to every Taylor Swift song ever written."

"Well, that was," Sam clears his throat, "That was very descriptive."

You flop down on your couch and groan into one of the cushions, "Just leave me here to die."

"You're not dying."

You lift your head to glare at him, "You don't know."

"I do know," Sam insists. "You're a healthy, 25 year old woman, the chances of you having a heart attack are almost zero."

"But not zero," you point out.

Sam sighs, grabbing your hand and pulling you up off the couch, "You're not dying, and you're not having a heart attack."

"You sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure."

"If you're wrong, I'll haunt you."

"I'll take my chances," Sam playfully rolls his eyes, "So what were you doing right before you thought you were having a heart attack?"

"I-" you clear your throat, a furious blush warming your entire face, "I don't want to tell you."

He should've known something was wrong right from the get go. You were always so open, so honest about everything. You weren't raised under the same social contract, or any social contract, and you were still learning basic social norms and customs. For better or worse, you were the most honest and open person Sam had ever known.

So for you to be this flustered, this shy and jittery, it had to be something pretty important.

He should've left it at that. He really should've left it at that. But no, like the concerned friend he was, he pressed the topic even more.

He gently nudges your shoulder, taking a seat beside you, "I can't help you if you don't tell me."

You abruptly stand up, awkwardly chuckling. You inch away from him, jutting your thumb back to your room, "You know, now that I think about it, I'm all better, heart attack healed. Good talk, thanks, Sam."

"Come on, just tell me," Sam cajoles, patting the seat beside him. "We tell each other everything."

"I was on the phone."

"Okay..." Sam could count on one hand the number of people that had any means to communicate with you. Hell, he could count exactly how many people had knowledge of your existence with both hands.

It takes Sam a second to realize that he's too lost in his worry to actually hear what you're telling him, "... so Bucky told me we could practice-"

He already doesn't like where this is going. "Practice what?"

"Texting, Sam." You quirk an eyebrow at him, "Are you even listening to me?"

Sam suspiciously nods, settling back into the couch, "Right."

"And we've sort of been texting each other."

"Uh-huh," Sam nods along, though he gets the distinct feeling that he won't like where this is going. Not in the slightest. He physically braces himself as he asks his next question, "So, um, what were you guys talking about?"

You timidly shrug, twisting and untwisting your fingers, "Just stuff."

"Stuff?" Sam dubiously repeats. "Talking about stuff made you think you were having a heart attack?"

"Yes..." It's clear to him that you're lying through your teeth. It's clear that this is as weird for him as it is for you. You clap your hands down on your lap, abruptly standing with up a fierce blush painting your face, "You know what? I completely forgot I have to water my plants!"

"I know you're lying!" Sam calls after you as you scramble away.

"No, I'm not!" you shout over your shoulder. "I'll be back! Maybe! Probably! Definitely at some point!"

This wasn't the first time something like this happened, a strange, slightly uncomfortable situation happening.

This whole living arrangement with you and Sam would probably be called a strange, slightly uncomfortable situation by most people. Most of the time, Sam was able to handle these things on his own.

Having grown up with a younger sister, Sam was fairly comfortable talking about and dealing with certain things. That did not mean he was even remotely prepared or even qualified to explain those things to you.

The first time it happened was about a month into living with each other.

It was just cramps. Until it wasn't.

He phoned it in to Maria Hill.

Crisis averted. Mostly.

Because a couple of months later, another of those awkward situations arose.

The second time was an awkward encounter with a barista at your local cafe.

Apparently, getting breakfast and coffee with a person of the opposite sex first thing in the morning day in and out meant that people could just assume the nature of your relationship. And it wouldn’t have been the most ridiculous assumption if it weren’t for the fact that it absolutely was the most ridiculous assumption.

Sam was just thankful that he was as certain of your feelings as he was of his own.

He'd handled that situation fairly well on his own, even if it did take several days for you two to be within five feet of each other.

And now here he was again. Sitting all alone in your living room, wondering what the hell he was supposed to do with this. And that's when he sees it. The scene of the crime sat right before him, right on the coffee table. Your phone. 

"You forgot your-" He stops himself from finishing that sentence. Because this wasn't your run of the mill awkward situation, no, this was worse. A lot worse than some nosey barista. So much worse that he thinks about doing something stupid. An overprotective, older brother sort of stupid. He tries to rationalize it, after all, you’d left the phone right there. Right there. Right in front of him. Within his reach. What kind of handler would he even be if he wasn’t keeping a close eye on you?

“No.” Sam suddenly changes his mind, softly muttering to himself, “That is an invasion of privacy. What kind of friend-“

And before he even knows it, your phone is in his hand. And he’s clicking on your messages.

And he’s reading your texts to Bucky.

JBB: What does 'lol' mean? You: It's either lots of love or laugh out loud. Idk. JBB: What does that mean? The idk? You: I don't know. JBB: I'll ask. You: No, it means I don't know. JBB: Oh. JBB: I know you can't see me, but I'm frowning right now. You: You make me laugh. JBB: I like making you laugh. JBB: But if you tell anyone that, I'll deny it. You: lol JBB: Which version of lol was that? Lots of love or laughing out loud? You: That’s for me to know. JBB: And for me to find out? You: lol

"That was smooth as hell," Sam mutters to himself. Sam has to stop at that point. He can’t read any more. He scoffs to himself, “She’s been out a year and flirts better than I do.”

There’s a part of him that’s a little mad. Mostly about your shockingly incredible ability to flirt.

But it also grates on that older brother nerve. The same one Sarah used to love to poke and prod at when they were younger.

He's still sort of in his right mind. At least enough to know that he's out of his element with this one. There’s no way that he can approach you about this. Especially not after reading through your messages.

What even was this? Was it just harmless flirting? Was it you just trying to get out there and socialize with the few people you were allowed contact with?

Or were there feelings there? And, if there were feeling, what kind of feelings?

He rapidly shakes his head trying to rid himself of the idea. That was not an image he needed in his head.

Sam decides in that very moment, this is too far out of his league. He can't handle this. An while might not be able to handle this, he knew someone who could, someone much more qualified than he was. He dials her number right away. She answers on the third ring. 

"I need your help," Sam sharply whispers into his phone.

"Why? What's wrong?"

"There is flirting happening over here!"

Maria sighs in relief, "Oh, good, I thought there was a real problem happening."

"Did you not hear me? Flirting, Maria! Flirting!"

"So?"

"Do you know what flirting leads to?" Sam wildly questions. 

"No?"

"It leads to... other things - I don't know! And that's why I need your help! I can't deal with this!"

"You can't call me over for things like this."

"I thought you said you were happy to help!"

"I was! I am, but you're supposed to be keeping a low profile. Having me walk in and out of your front door in broad daylight is not low profile."

"So then come in through the backdoor!" Sam pleads. 

"Sam," Maria deadpans.

"I know, I know, you're right."

"I know it's a little... uncomfortable, but you just have to deal. Nick wouldn't have picked you if he thought even for a second that you couldn't handle this. It might be a little weird at first, but you've got this."

And he used to be sure that he could.

He used to be great at this job. Catching you up on pop culture? No one better than Sam. Healthy dialogue? Second nature to Sam. Ability to keep you safe? He was doing a damned good job at it if he could say so himself.

Then came the Bucky of it all.

Bucky fucking Barnes.

Sam had half a mind to kick Bucky's ass for making you feel... whatever you were feeling.

Sam's only saving grace was that you'd pretty much become self sufficient in most areas of your life when Bucky came into the picture a few months ago. Since then, things were different. You were different. At first, Sam was sure it was just the excitement and thrill of having a new friend.

He could kill Bucky for making your life more complicated. For making his life more complicated.

Bucky fucking Barnes.

He's so lost in his plot to murder Bucky Barnes that he almost doesn't realize it when you shuffle back into the living room. "Sam?"

Sam's head snaps up, "Huh?"

"I said what are you doing?"

"Um... Just thinking."

"About?"

"What's going on with you and Bucky?" Sam abrasively blurts out. 

Your eyes blow wide. "What?"

"Sorry, what I meant to say was - what's going on with you and Bucky?" Sam demands with equal fervor. 

"Nothing!" you exclaim. 

"Well, I know you're lying!"

"I'm not lying!" you insist.

"I saw you two flirting over text!"

"You read our texts?" Your eyes snap over to the coffee table where you left your phone. Sure enough, it's upright and in a completely different spot. "Are you crazy?"

"No, no, I am not crazy because you two are over there flirting and- and- and flirting and I'm not ready to be an uncle again!"

Both your hands cover your flaming face as you turn to leave the room again, "Oh my God!"

Sam reaches out, grabbing your arm to guide you back to the conversation that he knew deep down just had to happen, "No, no, we are going to sit and we are going to talk about this."

"About what?!" you shriek. 

"About this! You know this. The flirting. Dating. Other things. You know what so please don't make me say it," Sam pleads with you, looking every bit as awkward as you feel. 

"No, I don't, so no, we're not!"

"You not knowing is the literal reason we have to talk about this!" Sam rants. 

You turn to try to leave again, "I'm leaving."

Sam wedges himself in the doorway, physically blocking you from leaving, "Oh, no, you're not."

You try to squeeze past him, "Oh, yes, I am."

"No, you're not!"

"Why not?"

"Because we have to talk about this."

"Why?" you exclaim with a particularly shrill tone.

"I don't know!" Sam throws his hands up. "But we are. And we are going to hate every single second of it. And then we never have to talk about it ever again."

"You swear?"

"I swear," Sam promises, raising his right hand. He gestures to the couch, "If you sit and we have the talk, we will never speak of it again."

"Fine," you grumble under your breath, huffing as you slump onto to the couch. 

"Great..."

So you sat.

And you listened.

And you did your best not to cringe at what Sam was telling you. And then it was over. The silence palpable. Your face burning with embarrassment. Sam's face burning with embarrassment. But it was over. It was all said and done. 

You both sit on the couch with your hands in your lap, several feet away from each other, not even looking at each other but staring at the turned off television before you. After many, many long minutes of sitting in awkward silence, you turn to Sam with a questioning look, "Sam?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you think we know too much about each other?"

"Definitely starting to."

"Glad we're on the same page."

AnonymityIsFun Masterlist Grumpy Sunshine Series Anon's 1K Celebration

As always, let me know what you think! Reblogs and comments are always appreciated! 💛

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[lottiesnotebook]

For the Spotify Wrapped Drabbles Ask - number 42?

Ooh a Fun one!

Bad Things Coming, We Are Safe by Emmy the Great | Lyrics

This song weirdly ends up on a lot of my writing playlists, but weirdly not for any of our shared fandoms, so I'm trying something new just for you, because you've reminded me that at one point I was a 16 year old with Normal Feelings about Wicked and my best friends.

The thing is, Galinda has had friends before. Galinda has had best friends before, tea parties and gossip and warm hands tucked into hers. What she feels with her new roommate is nothing like friendship.

She’s not protective of Elphaba, exactly. Elphie’s never needed any kind of protection Galinda could provide, and she’s never been shy about letting the world know it. She has the thickest skin and the strongest magic Oz has ever seen. It’s just that-

The thing is, whenever the whims of their class schedules separate them, there’s this- tugging sensation, in her chest. It used to be a relief, an hour or so without the unbearable distraction of her roommate’s presence, but now…

Now she thinks, What’s Elphie doing? Is she happy? Are people staring? People better not be staring- and then she’s embarrassed, because she knows that’s not a normal feeling to have about her roommate, the mingled anger and guilt that curdles her stomach. She knows what so many of them will be thinking when they look at her – after all, didn’t she tell them what to think? Didn’t she give them the words to whisper behind their hands whenever Elphaba walks into a room? Terror. Disgusting. Freak. So now, whenever they spill over, it’s her fault, and even if they��re friends now, they both know it.

They don’t whisper those things, when Galinda is with her. Even if they’re baffled by their new closeness, they don’t go against the tide of Galinda’s will. It’s one of the perks of popularity – she says pink and green go good together, and the world agrees. At least, it agrees for now.

She knows, with a tight, nauseous feeling that she doesn’t want to name, that for now doesn’t mean forever. With every magic lesson, with every drop of praise that Madam Morrible pours onto Elphaba’s head, she knows the time is coming where the Wizard calls her to the Emerald City, and then…

Will her life return to the way it was before? Will she revert to the girl she used to be, the one who spat words into the halls and didn’t care how they might echo? She doesn’t like how she sees her past self, now, reflected in Elphaba’s eyes, in the arch of her brow or the line of her sneer whenever a particularly juicy snippet of gossip escapes.

She likes the affectionate curve of her lips whenever she says something that makes her laugh, even unintentionally. She likes the pleased surprise whenever she looks up from her books to find a steaming cup of tea at her elbow, or a shawl wrapped around her shoulders. She likes the soft, secret smile that crosses her lips whenever Galinda and Nessarose are deep in conversation, and she thinks they aren’t paying any attention.

She’s wrong, of course. Galinda’s always paying attention to her, it was impossible not to, even when she loathed her. And she knows that that’s wrong too, because she didn’t care half this much for how any of her other best friends looked at her. She doesn’t care half this much when Fiyero laughs at her jokes, eats the cakes she buys for him, twirls her around whenever she dresses up just for him. He looks at her like she’s beautiful and charming, but everyone looks at her as if she’s beautiful and charming.

Elphaba looks at her like she’s good. That wasn’t something she wanted, before. Is that still something she’ll want, when they aren’t together? Is that something that will matter to her, when the eyes reflecting it aren’t Elphie’s?

[witchy-v1xen]

No , because I agree and disagree at the same time. Analyzing the trailers and posters.

What I agree with-

Both sides doing some fucked up shit.

Corlys not being a person who sucked (bro lowkey made it to the end until his execution , was just an ass kisser , and was trying to live his life by doing what was asked of him)

Both being highly hypocritical.

Blaming Viserys (no need to explain)

Blaming Daemon (He has good fathering qualities but , he's a walking red flag and the blood and cheese incident in my perspective was psychological warfare to a certain degree. I'll explain this in another post)

Blaming Rhaenyra (to a certain extent , yes!)

Blaming both sides to a certain extent (All the way because , they weren't thinking about how this could effect their children)

Yes viserys could of got a paramour to help cope with Aemma or find an AGE APPROPRIATE suitor for himself (Not some innocent 14 , 15 , 16 , or 17 year old girl who wants to be teen idle and enjoy her girlhood)

Yes , Viserys treated Alicent like a glorified mistress and the children did get treated second-class.

What I don't agree with-

Blaming Alicent entirely (she was maritally raped; she was married young into an unwanted relationship she could not refuse at the hands of her manipulative, mentally abusive father and King Viserys himself) I do, however, know she did things out of fear, and we can see that in the trailer, she's slowly reverting back to her childhood self, hence why she's looking at Rhaenyra in the posters. She still feels guilty over what happened twenty years ago, and it's sad. Rhaenyra, however, is just like, "Fuck you, I'm coming for your son, no if's or but's about it." I do believe she is to blame for her children's deaths (to a certain extent , not all the way because , remember we've got Daemon , Viserys , Rhaenyra , and Otto in the conflict as well.)

Blaming Aegon (Yes , I agree with blaming him for his personal mistakes. Him being put on the throne obviously wasn't his fault. Aegon is quite impulsive and it shows. As the abused becomes the abuser.(This is shown with how Otto treats Alicent and how Alicent is with Aegon when it comes to fulfilling his forced role as king. I honestly do hope we get a good character development with Aegon. I'd like to see a very serious side to him especially after the future incidents that'll take place besides blood and cheese.)

The Jaehaera hate club (Like the Blackcels need a moral compass. I don't understand why some of you have hate towards a girl who has nothing to do with what happened, though she saw events take place and they affected her. She also succumbs a fate familiar to her mother.)

When "He or she is nothing but a victim" card is pulled on characters who've done some deceitful and feisty shit. The only characters who get the green light to pull this card is Jaehaera , Laena Velaryon , Aemma Arryn , Aegon the third , Viserys the Second , Laenor Velaryon (He just wanted to be in peace and live his life. People that he did justice for did him dirty.) Maelor (Aegon II's second son) , Helaena , and Jaehaerys the second. (I would add Joffrey Velaryon onto this list but , I'm not sure.)

Alicent deserved what happened to her; she deserved better to some extent, and so did Rhaenyra. Rhaenyra, however, is wrong for blaming Alicent and having beef with her two-year-old son. Both made mistakes to some extent, and what can be rightfully defended can be rightfully defended with logic.

Viserys not being bashed. He paved the way for people with daddy issues , mommy issues , anger issues , Depression (different types) , sociopathic issues , and adhd (Aegon) to all go to war with each other. He failed his children and set them up. They all deserved better to some extent. It's an ongoing domino effect that happened with Aegon the conqueror, his two sister wives and their children , Aegon the unworthy and his illegitimate children who he legitimated upon his death. The dynasty got fucked over multiple times in history but the dance made the biggest permeable impact. Everyone's desires came at a cost and most did not take accountability. In conclusion, that is my analysis.

[theicarusconstellation]

TELL ME ABOUT DUNE ALIA ATREIDES DUNE just anything I just need to read more about it I'm brainhungry

OH MY GOD OKAY OKAY OKAY FJSJSKNDNF

THANK YOU FOR ASKING ME PLEASE ASK ME ABOUT DUNE ANY TIME THAT GOES FOR EVERYBODY

SO. ALIA.

my poor girl was doomed from the START from CONCEPTION😭😭😭😭once jessica drank the water of life, alia’s fate was pretty much sealed.

it’s so fucking tragic to think about her relationship to jessica and paul. jessica loved her kids, truly, she did, and we see it in how she cares for paul and alia throughout the first book, even after paul thinks, my mother has become my enemy. and yet. even before paul was born, jessica has been motivated by selfishness. she defied the bene gesserit and bore a son instead of a daughter to make leto (and herself) happy, thus damning paul to the fate of the kwisatz haderach. she drank the water of life and took on the role of the fremen reverend mother while pregnant to help implement the bg’s plans (and her own plans) even though she knew what it would do to her unborn daughter. from that point on, alia was sentient. she had the memories of billions within her fighting to gain control.

for the first few years of her life, she had a very distinct sense of self. she and paul, despite their age difference, loved each other SO MUCH😭😭😭😭there’s this one quote from dune messiah where reverend mother mohaim says, “who could understand but the sister?” in reference to paul’s struggles, and yeah. they understood one another in a way no one else could.

she had a sweet family dynamic with harah, jamis’ wife and paul’s eventual servant. their moment together in the first book is honestly the most open declaration of familial love we ever see in the books (“i love you, harah.” FUCKING RUINS ME), and right after that, alia snuggles up to jessica and takes comfort in her mother (she was so young she just wanted her MOM😭). like yeah she has many different memories within her that are not the memories of a child, but she, alia atreides, was still a child. and i know brian herbert and kevin j. anderson’s books are…certainly something😐but there’s a moment between alia and irulan in paul of dune where irulan tells alia, “you deserve to have a childhood too” and that just BREAKS ME because she never got one. since birth, she was treated like a freak and knew it. she literally said, “i know i’m a freak.” (she was like TWO when she said this MY BABY😭). when paul’s jihad was going on, she was running arrakis in his place as a CHILD. she had so much wisdom and knowledge and did an amazing job, but underneath that, you do see that she was a literal baby.

once she hit about four years old, jessica left her on arrakis. jessica went back to caladan and reverted back to her old bene gesserit ways, living in fear and disgust of the children she created. the children she once loved so. much. are now her biggest regrets, and we see this when she visits alia in children of dune and literally hesitates to call her “daughter.” once she admits it, there’s an understanding between alia and jessica that they are still family, but the “…daughter” DOESNT HURT ANY LESS.

then dune messiah comes around. she’s ≈ sixteen and already regarded as a demigoddess by the people of arrakis and has a little mini-cult surrounding her. she is paul’s closest confidante (some may argue that it’s chani, but i say again, “who could understand but the sister?”). she’s “saint alia of the knife” for a reason too. her fremen upbringing + her genetics make her incredibly skilled, so much so that breaking records is second-nature to her. however, as paul’s state declines, so does hers.

(WHO. COULD. UNDERSTAND. BUT. THE. SISTER.)

she starts slipping into spice trance, letting ancestors converse with her for longer periods of time. she’s argumentative and so, so lost. when duncan idaho’s ghola is given to paul, this 35+ year-old zombie man sees this 16 year-old and is like “yeah i’m gonna get up on that,” so he and alia get into a “relationship” that my poor girl didn’t know any better than to accept.

i think the start of her breaking point came when paul lost his sight. up until then, they had understood one another as easily as breathing, like those saplings that grow next to each other and end up twisting around one another (or turning into one tree). but when paul comes back blind yet still able to see, he knows she’s scared of him, and an irreparable rift develops right then and there (i pretend this doesn’t happen for my mental health).

once paul wandered into the desert, alia was gone. her sense of self and grasp on reality went right with him. he was the only one who didn’t live in fear of her, the only one who she ever felt truly loved by, who didn’t put her on a divine pedestal she didn’t want, who she could TRUST😭

this fucking monologue from messiah guts me inside:

“i wish i could burn this thing out of me…but i’m sister to an emperor who is worshipped as a god. people fear me. i never wanted to be feared. i don’t want to be part of history; i just want to be loved. and love.”

WHO!! COULD!! UNDERSTAND!! BUT!! THE!! SISTER!!!!!!!!!!!

the (almost) last things we hear her say in messiah are literally, “duncan, duncan, he’s [paul’s] gone! i need you duncan, love me!”

then, children of dune occurs. it’s nine years after paul wandered into the desert, AND ALIA STILL WEARS YELLOW, THE FREMEN COLOR OF MOURNING. she hates him and loves him and hates him and loves him and can’t stay out of a possessed trance for more than five minutes. rather than help her as the people around her notice her falling victim to the voices inside her, they ice her out, even her former lover, and call her abomination, trying to send her to her death and looking upon her with disgust. leto ii and ghanima, who she raised since birth, have no sympathy for her.

the only person we really see her close with is irulan tbh. which like. oh i love their dynamic. they went from being curt and uncaring with one another in messiah to being one another’s only comfort in children (for irulan loved paul too). still, irulan distances herself the more wrapped up in her own head alia becomes. when jessica returns to arrakis, she does nothing but stand by (and encourage alia’s execution) as she watches her daughter slip away as a result of her selfish choices!!

after alia finds out paul is alive, god there is so much conflict going on within her. the last time she saw him, they loved one another with a love that was more than love, but now, he’s preaching that everything they’ve built is a blasphemy and alia should be overthrown. she wants him dead but she wants him alive but she wants him dead but she wants him alive and she wants to see him but she hopes it isn’t him but she wants to see him. her big brother.

when she finally does see him, he looks her in the eyes and calls her a blasphemy.

then, paul is stabbed. alia watches him die, and to me, that is when the last string within her finally snaps. she turns to jessica and shouts, “that was paul they just killed!”

so many voices fight to overtake her, including her grandfather, baron harkonnen, who had been possessing her up until this point, but she is just so, so tired and so hurt and so unloved that she can’t do it anymore. she doesn’t even bother to fight. she jumps to her death and does not scream on the way down.

and this is what gets me too. we know it was her decision, the last decision she ever got to make of her own volition, and it was one of self-destruction. the baron was screaming at her not to do it — everyone else watched as it happened — but she did it anyway, and honestly, she found more peace in death than she ever did in life.

god i could talk about her for hours i love her so much she’s my girl my love i need to wrap her (and paul) up in little blankets and hold them so close.

also there is just…something about jessica watching both her children die in front of her. and the comparison she made in the first book when alia walks into her room and she thinks, “she reminds me of paul at that age” with both their big, curious eyes and quiet mannerisms and OH😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

[devildomditzy]

My General List of OM! Headcannons

If it’s listed here, you can assume my fics/drabbles/headcannons are compliant to it unless stated otherwise. I’ll keep adding to this as I think of/remember more of them that’ve popped into my head at some point.

Remember these are my opinions, it’s cool if you don’t agree with them, but please don’t write a multi-paragraph essay about why I’m wrong on this post.

It’s chill. It’s cool. It’s a mobile app. I’ve managed a gamestop. I’m a certified gamer. You can trust me.

so, without further ado…

Belphie is also a red head (bc twins), but he dyes it because he likes to be dark and brooding

The white stripe grows naturally and is from an accident back when they were still angels, but he thinks it looks cool so he makes a conscious effort to not cover it up

After the events of chapter 16, Mammon rarely wants anything to do with Belphie, causing major tension when either of them have to be in the same room

Riding off that, Mammon does not let Belphie get anywhere near MC, and will make sure he never has a chance to be alone with them

Mammon gets those gold streaks in his hair whenever in his demon form because it’s sexy and i say so

Lucifer is not an extreme sadist, he’s a tired old grandpa trying his best to keep his energetic siblings in line, because if he didn’t, who would?

Asmo is a LOT more fucked up and evil than in the cannon game but not is a psycho way, in a Jennifer’s Body way you feel me?

Diavolo is up to…. something… his charisma and charm hide some very ulterior motives for dragging you down here

Barbatos knows about them too

Lucifer does too but does not agree with them to a full extent so he goes out of his way to secretly keep you from harm

Solomon can probably do some form of mind control which makes him 1000 times scarier to think about

Their lives as angels were just as hard and painful, if not MORE than what they are experiencing as demons

The hardest part of the fall was adjusting to becoming the avatars of sins, they were like almost feral there for a moment

They are always under tremendous amounts of pressure and self control to not revert back to that state

but it is possible :) and if they do :) run :)

On God they have hideous eldritch monster forms be not afraid fucking demonic ass beasts

That’s their real form ^^^

And MC sees them and goes “…eh.”

And they are floored

MC is monster fucker supreme

They can shape shift into whatever form they’d like

What you see (their cannon designs) is the product of years and years of figuring out what they wanted to look like, they can change overtime

That’s all I got at the moment! I’ll update this over time.

[evereinefaust]

. . . ⇢ ˗ˏˋ 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐛𝐞𝐚𝐭 ࿐ྂ

Pairing: Reiji Kotobuki X afab!Reader

Synopsis: At last, MC met with the oldest of the idols. Through his teasing and carefree attitude, he expressed his affection for his favorite person.

Word Count: 1,171

The [h/c]ette composer skipped through the hallway, happiness was visibly present on her face with every bounce she made in every step. Her aura contained pure bliss as it emitted from her small figure. She can't contain her excitement anymore; the determination dotting on her [e/c] eyes successfully told us her goal for tonight—to be able to find and meet the last and oldest member of Quartet Night.

After turning around the corner, [Y/n] saw the stairs and didn't hesitate to continue going up. The girl had a feeling that she will be able to meet the brunette on the stairs, after all, she seemed to coincidentally meet the other idols in every place she goes. The bright smile was still present on her face while remaining her gaze upwards.

However, her [e/c] hues soon landed on the other fedora-wearing male in the agency. His taupe-gray eyes glancing down at her petite form. His signature smile was shown on his pale face. The male was standing by the second floor of the building, his arms resting on the railings while he leaned on it.

"Hey, kiddo. Welcome back."

The smile on her face broke into a wide grin. "Rei-nii!"

"I see that Shining finally allowed you to visit us," he stated, walking over to her as the girl reached the platform.

"Uh-huh!" she nodded happily.

Reiji's face broke into a grin at the enthusiasm the young composer holds. "You're truly a shining young lady, [N/n]-chan!"

"Being a niece to Uncle Shining made me all shining as well," [Y/n] joked, playfully rolling her eyes.

The brunette laughed at her jokes, it really felt nice having the girl around. She's like a bright, small star shining beautifully in the dark, midnight sky. She had the ability to warm everyone's heart with her presence and with her song... and that's the reason he had taken a liking to her.

"The way you always shine sets my heart pounding."

[Y/n] listened closely to what the brunette was saying, an undeniable blush flushed across her cheeks. She didn't know why but her heart started to speed up as her whole body heats up. 

Soon enough, Reiji took a step forward towards her and took her hand into his. He had that same smile on his face as he lifted her knuckles to his lips, kissing it. This sudden intimate gesture sent [Y/n]'s face a hundred shades of red.

"But you could shine even more. I'll show you how. Come on."

With that said, the idol gently lets go of her hand and retreated his body back. He hung his head down, the fedora he's wearing made it impossible for the girl to see his expression. This made [Y/n] curious by his statement as she patiently waited for the male to speak further while tilted her head to the side in confusion.

"Let's enter the world of adults together," Reiji proclaimed, slowly raising his head and his gray eye that wasn't covered by his brown hair staring intently at her.

The seriousness of his voice sent a shiver down [Y/n]'s spine with her eyes wide as saucers and cheeks regaining back its red hue from earlier. She had her mouth parted agape while Reiji's words swirled inside her mind. She was speechless all right.

After examining her reaction, the brunette reverted back to his usual cheerful self and chuckled. "Sorry, sorry."

It took [Y/n] a moment before snapping back to reality. She huffed and pouted, crossing her arms childishly. "Please stop teasing me, Rei-nii. And for your information, I'm still 16 years old; I'm no adult."

Reiji only chuckled further. "I can't help it. It's really fun to tease you and you're cute when you pout~"

[Y/n]'s pout remained as she stood firm on her spot. Her arms were still crossed over her chest whilst a pink tint appeared once again on her cheeks. She was thoroughly embarrassed by Reiji's teasing and compliments. Sometimes she couldn't know what the brunette was thinking--he can be serious or joking at the same time. But nevertheless, that personality of his attracted her attention successfully.

"Jokings aside..." once the idol finally stopped his chuckles, he flashed her the widest smile he could ever muster. "You are the first and last thing on my mind each and every day, [N/n]-chan!"

Her pink blush immediately burst to a deeper shade of red at his confession. Her heart was pounding really hard against her ribcage and she swore she could feel butterflies fluttering in her stomach.

"Let me sing a song for you, [N/n]-chan~" he winked at her.

And without waiting for her to reply, he started to sing the upbeat song she had made for him.

Reiji finished the song as his voice lingered longer through the halls. He still had the usual smile on his face while watching the girl's reaction. Surely enough, this brought her out of her trance as she responded with a smile on her own.

"How's it, [N/n]-chan?"

"It's great, Rei-nii!" she praised while throwing herself into him.

"Whoah! Careful there, kiddo~" Reiji chuckled and caught her in his embrace, wrapping his arms around her waist.

"I can hear your heartbeat, Rei-nii."

"Yeah, you're right... Heartbeat," he muttered, glancing at the fluorescent moon outside the window with a gentle smile on his lips. "Ore no yoko ni heartbeat, beat, beat~♡"

[rosethornewrites]

NR, E, & M reading since 9/16

Unfinished

Not Rated:

soul like a message in a bottle, by enbysaurus_rex

I'm incapable of only writing one (or two, or even three) things at a time and sooo I tried to keep this one short? based on the post

https://www.tumblr.com/questbedhead/713799067898167296?source=share

Cry me a river, by dancing_with_demons

Objectively, he knew he wasn’t meant for the finer things in life. He was a servant. Servants weren’t meant for finer things.

So he knew when he'd first laid his eyes on Lan Wangji that the other man was practically untouchable for him.

...

Or, the one where Wei Ying loses his early childhood memories due to severe illness and is adopted by the Mo family when he's very young. Ten years later, Mo Xuanyu meets Lan Wangji and falls in love with him. Lan Wangji who is already betrothed to Wei Ying.

Explicit:

Trials of Time, by Muggle_Diary (14 chapters)

Wei Ying and Lan Zhan are thrown back in time. Wei Ying leaves the Jiang Sect.

intents and in tents, by mexicantt (🔒)

No summary

Recurrent, by Solmae (2 chapters)

Based on a WuJi event prompt, set in Mo Dao Zu Shi novel post-canon.

An accident reverts Wei Wuxian’s appearance from that of Mo Xuanyu to his old self from his first life. Wei Wuxian is finding it rather enjoyable being taller, more built, and even more handsome. (Hey, he did rank as the fourth-most-handsome in his youth.)

Unfortunately, Lan Wangji doesn’t seem to feel the same.

I Have But One Song, by KingdomFlameVIII (2 chapters)

It is shortly after Jiang Yanli’s upcoming marriage to Jin Zixuan is announced to the world, that another type of news is whispered around the cultivation world.

Lan Wangji has been cursed. It is a lover’s curse, they say. A sleeping curse. There is only one cure, a cure nearly as rare as the curse itself.

True love’s kiss.

They believe it is hopeless for Wangji, who had never even so much as glanced at a woman, let alone courted or shown affection towards one.

Still, the Lan clan puts the word out: anyone who holds Lan Wangji in their heart is invited to the Cloud Recesses, to make their attempt to lift the spell.

Enter Yiling Laozu.

Mature:

A Father's Fury, by heartsdesire456 (3 chapters)

Lan Xichen coming out of seclusion was not, in fact, a happy event. The reason he came out of seclusion was because late one night, Jiang Cheng showed up at his cottage with grave news about their nephew, Lan Sizhui.

still and silent waters in the middle of a storm, by anna_june

[Lan Wangji] fights to put a face and name to the voice, then fights even harder to choke down another wave of nausea. Wen Xu barely gives him a moment to prepare himself before he’s being hauled up to his feet. The world sparks and crackles and suddenly Lan Wangji is heaving up his empty stomach over the side of the cart he must have been thrown in. Hot tears drip down his cheeks, but he grits his teeth together and forces his expression back to neutral. Nothing can be done about the tears, but he can maintain his dignity and his silence despite them.

Wen Xu is still talking when Lan Wangji manages to wrangle his attention back in, “-And you’ll tell me where that cowardly brother of yours is, hm? Does that sound like a deal?”

Lan Wangji holds his tongue. The perfect picture of restraint, the model Lan disciple. Wen Xu is cruel, he is unpredictable, he will make Lan Wangji hurt, but Lan Wangji will be resilient. He will not forsake his name. He will not be broken by pain and fear, no matter how strong.

---

lan wangji is very hurt after the attack on cloud recesses, and he dreams that wei wuxian has come to comfort him

hot for teacher, by attackofthezee (noxlunate)

“I date!” Wei Ying protests, “I could be dating. You don’t know my life A-Yuan. I could be going on plenty of dates.” He’s not. He occasionally finds a booty call on tinder or grindr or whatever miscellaneous dating app he has on his phone at the time, but he hasn’t even done that in a while.

“When? You’re pretty much always with me when you’re not at work.”

“Maybe I’m a secret agent, living a double life, raising you nights and weekends and solving crimes with a partner during the day. I could pull it off, you know?”

“Dad,” A-Yuan says seriously.

Wei Ying blinks at him and says “Wei Yuan,” in his best imitation of seriousness.

In which Wei Ying is a young single father whose son is possibly scheming to set him up with his history teacher.

Finished

Not Rated:

The Lan Dyad: A Star Wars Story, by mondengel (🔒)

A new Dyad was born in the Force.

go forward slowly, by LadyKG (🔒)

It used to be a simple fact of life, like any other. The sky was blue. Fire burned. Yu Ziyuan would marry into a strong sect and bring honor to her family. And, in turn, this would bring happiness.

A simple fact of life.

Except...

"We could leave."

"What?"

"We could leave," Yu Ziyuan repeated.

"You want to run away with me?" Madam Jin blinked at her.

Except life was never that simple.

OR, the one where Madam Yu and Madam Jin run away together and take the children with them because they're tired of their lives and their husbands...

Explicit:

The "Patriarch" Was Supposed to be Ironic (or, Wei Wuxian, Chief Cultivator), by groignequi

Wei Wuxian makes a wish he didn't intend; Lan Wangji creates a path forward.

___

The form flickers, letting curls of smoke form something like a smile, and responds, “What is it you want, patriarch?”

And Wei Wuxian, incautious at the wrong (the right) moment, says “A way to fix all of it.”

He hears the reply: “As you wish.”

He knows he’s made a mistake the second the form disperses, moving too fast and in too many directions to be called back and subdued.

___

Only a few hours later, in Koi Tower, a visiting handmaid finds her madam crying over rumors about her daughter’s marriage.

Bloodsport, by SkullFeather3063 (🔒)

Before Jiang Fengmian could find him an orphaned Wei Wuxian was rescued by Baoshan Sanren. He was raised up in the celestial mountains by people who loved and adored him, looking forward to the day he got to descend and follow in his mother's footsteps.

Confident in his abilities but lost in his knowledge of this new world, Wei Wuxian decided to attend the educational event at Cloud Recesses to integrate himself into the Cultivation World.

Here was where his story began, where love first blossomed, and a new world was forged for the two youths.

This is a story about love and what people will do to get a taste of it...

this is our vow, by orro (🔒)

Waking up in Gusu isn’t a surprise but waking up as a teenager is enough to make Wei Wuxian scream, disrupting the precious silence of the Cloud Recesses.

Wei Wuxian had been given a second chance when he was brought back to life. But this time, he can truly fix everything, and if he can’t find a way back then at least he can make some things right that he could never atone enough for.

Mature:

Your Song Called Me, Can't Believe I am Late, by Padma_Warrior (🔒)

" Forgive me! I beg you, please!." A sharp smile.

" You didn't listen when he said please, so tell me. Why. Should. I?"

Sometimes, people forget. They forget that the Nightless City witnessed a bloodbath because some hurt the loved ones of the Yilling Patriarch. They forget that while Wei Wuxian wouldn't even bat an eye if you cut off his meridians — the same cannot be said for those he cares for.

The world pays a price to be reminded.

I Am No Longer Here, by Forever_Marie

Wei Ying fell off the cliff.

Lan Zhan followed after him.

They find themselves in the past. Who else followed these two?

[clarabowmp3]

What TTPD songs helped you with your frustation, stress and need to let off steam? any particular songs?

HAHAHHA some of the ones I’m currently crazy about are the more angsty/intense ones (wild thing to say abt ttpd which is like chock full of those kinds of songs I know lol):

(Tl;dr - I feel like she makes some pretty controversial/extreme production choices in these songs which make them very raw esp if u strip away the surrounding context of like what she’s singing abt irl)

1. How did it end - it’s a very grief stricken song, her tone is almost casually emotionally vacant for most of it which makes the swells of emotion like at the bridge or chorus even more impactful and her diction is quite cutthroat imo like she goes RIGHT for the jugular and smth abt the song just feels so sincere like she isn’t baiting u to feel sorry for her)

2. The prophecy - let it once be me. what more can I say (literally started tearing up and crying by the time I got to the second chorus when I first listened to the song my sister was sooo concerned and I know so many ppl criticise her for the ‘don’t want money’ line and arguably rightfully so but it’s also just sooo applicable to me??? Like I will throw any meaningful kind of connection in the ditch if it means putting myself first or ‘winning’ in some way, be it academically or otherwise, all while the loneliness gnaws away at me like I GET it like to me its a song that only rlly hits home for those with some kind of self-sabotaging tendencies? god knows im riddled with those)

3. Chloe et al - yes there’s a few fluffy lyrics here and there like girl what are you singing about 🤨🤨 but again she was SICK for yet another song balancing on the fine line between being so bitter about someone leaving but also smarting from the ache they left behind (if you want to tear my world apart…..say you love me) and the wistfulness what ifs??? Will I always wonder???? UGHHHH

4. The Bolter - LITERALLY ME I’m not even exaggerating 1) I nearly drowned when I was 3 it was a whole thing 2) I’ve always been closer to my father 3) I’ve had substantial issues making friends like i was very unlikeable when I was younger (and sometimes still) but it wasn’t my fault!!! 4) because of those issues my knee jerk reaction is to put myself first usually even if it would be selfish 5) my friendships always usually tapered off when we would reach some kind of conflict and I would stand my ground and suddenly they wouldn’t rlly want to be around me or hey I wasn’t as fun as I seemed 6) as lonely as it was part of why I started to get comfortable with these kinds of friendships ending was that past a certain age compressing yourself into something more pleasant just gets too exhausting like it rlly DID feel like breathing as I was leaving 7) and all of this was so difficult to get through but the thing is you DO get through it, as impossible as it seems at the time, and you’re so much better off at the end of it (like falling through ice and coming out alive)

5. Who’s afraid of little old me - this was actually more applicable/relatable to me like 2 years ago but when it comes on you best believe I revert back to my bitter 16 year old self mad about having the shittiest classmates like if you dislike me fine but at least have a good REASON for it or let it be TRUE at least godddd (I didn’t have the best reputation at the time, some ppl thought I was stuck up or a bitch so like whatever, isn’t that what they all say) (also this was after I graduated from secondary school and I was hoping for a clean break like that I’d left all that mess behind but NO and I was just sick and tired of it all like fine villainise me what everrrr)

6. Smallest man who ever lived - fell out with like my main best friend when I was 15 the year we had this super important national exam (which i got a perfect score for in the end heheh) and with how we left things it’s like I don’t even want to be friends with her again but I get so mad sometimes cuz that year was supposed to be my PRIME I was supposed to be thriving and having the time of my life shining and it felt like all the ways she/the fight brought me down was like rust on my sparkling summer and even tho I know every story has 2 sides, I just feel contempt for how cowardly she acted/how she twisted the narrative to come out looking more favourably (it comes and goes, I’m not always fuming abt it lmao but yk healing isn’t linear and all that)

7. Loml - linked to that same fight with my best friend ^^ I felt rlly betrayed (shit talked me under the table, a con man sells a fool a get live quick scheme like she KNEW I had attachment issues and used it against me ugh) esp with how vulnerable I was with her and at the end of it all I just felt so fucking embarrassed/humiliated by how affected/paralysed I was by the whole friendship/ by a second-rate person like her and the thing is I rlly believed we were in it for the long run, and now all I have is this graveyard of memories. she rlly was the loml

8. I can do it with a broken heart - so yes blah blah blah I had so much teenage angst and I STILL came out on top, got perfect scores for not one but TWO national exams, scholarships, offers from top unis both local and overseas, awards etc and I did it ALL while I was so miserable! So many afternoons I would get weird looks for like crying while studying in the study areas in my school like I was breaking down pretty frequently but I pushed through and climbed my way up from the bottom (they said babe you gotta fake it till you make it AND I DIDDD). And also when I was excelling so well it’s like it didn’t matter what all that happened, like yeah I was affected by it but woops look at me now! Too busy winning at life to be crying over all that!

9. So long london - again, about that fight we had, but more of in hindsight. I’m still mad about it, but not livid ig? It’s just I was her friend for so long (relatively speaking), I tried to fix the friendship for so long, I missed her for so long, I’ve been carrying the emotional wreckage for SO. LONG. and yea at the end of the day I hope she finds/has found a better friend, and we had a glimmer of happiness together, but I’m not the one

In comparison here are songs I vibe to but don’t feel such a visceral reaction to:

1. Peter

2. Mbobhft - I like the ‘once I fix me he’s gonna miss me’ line cuz after I parted ways with my best friend a part of me was still like maybe if I mould myself into smth more cool/appealing she’ll regret having done all that 😭😭 16 year old me was a messss but yk what are you gonna do (so now I like it ironically, if that makes sense?)

3. Down bad - fuck it I was in love so fuck YOU if I can’t have US enough said

[barry2018-2023]

I decided to come home.for the eclipse bc my brother is having a party at his bar and im sitting in the living room watching supernatural giggling and squealing at my boys I swear I revert to my 16 year old self when I'm in this place

[aquanthis]

can u infodump about Solomon. Please. I know I’ve heard a bit about him but go wild. give me the full essay. if this is a movie theatre I’m sitting there front row very excited 🥹🖤🫶‼️‼️

JUMPING UP AND DOWN SO FAST !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SOLOMON VALE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this cringe fucking loser (<- said in a way that makes it clear i want him in a way that would get me burned at the stake)

(please forgive the fact that all the images are full size, i've literally been trying to fix it for 15 minutes and tumblr just reverts it back every time and i'm literally so mad about it)

yes i can infodump about him. yes i always can. this fucker altered my brain chemistry at 15-16 years old and continues to make me ill to this day.

welcome to the first introduction of magicverse on this blog hehehe my true agenda all along

(CW: child abuse/abuse in general, kidnapping, sort of graphic violence, sexual abuse (implied)/sex as a self-defense mechanism... basically any warning you'd put on astari*n's story can be applied here. they're shockingly similar. i would avoid talking about some of this stuff if it wasn't so important story-wise, sorry ^^;)

anyway. look at him again. your reward for opening the readmore

okay so, i'm gonna have to elaborate on some worldbuilding first because otherwise a lot of this doesn't make sense.

there are six major types of entities in magicverse, with some notable offshoots. but in the context of solomon, i will be mainly referring to three: humans, sorcerers, and demons. humans are exactly as they are in the real world, living normal lives unaware of magic. sorcerers are, in essence, humans who can see and interact with magic, with an additional thing: humans can't see them, hear them, or interact with them. magic still affects the real world, but to humans it looks like natural disasters or other strange phenomena, rather than what it actually is. demons are creatures that were originally humans, but were turned (similarly to vampires! except demons have to actually kill them rather than just biting) and are no longer human. they can interact with both humans and sorcerers, as well as anything in between, including magic. however, they can't manipulate magic.

USUALLY.

however! you remember that "notable offshoot" i was talking about? that's solomon, and his "siblings". but i'll talk about them later. for now, i'm going to talk about solomon and his "superior", servius.

solomon was born a sorcerer. you'll notice that in my description of demons, i said they were originally humans. and, the vast majority of them were, because turning sorcerers was forbidden long, long ago, by the sort of governing body that exercises control over demons, the "high demon council" (i'd like to find a better name for this someday but have never gotten around to it). however, servius, cocky piece of shit that he is, decided that he wanted to overthrow that governing body, and take control of the demons himself. and in order to do that, he needed an army. or, if not an army, an extremely powerful weapon.

and what extremely powerful weapon was available to him? sorcerers. because why would turning sorcerers be forbidden if it didn't pose a threat? but servius isn't particularly strong for a demon, and certainly not strong enough to take on a full blown sorcerer by himself. so, you know what he did?

he started hunting down sorcerer kids. impressionable, still weak enough prey. and solomon was the first.

sylvester vale was 9 years old, an only child, and so, so loved. his parents adored him; he was their whole world. he was a little shy, loved candy, and hated brushing his teeth.

and servius caught him on his way home one day, cut his head off, and made a puppet out of him. turned him into solomon.

the thing about demons, see, is that they can't disobey the orders of their "superiors", aka the ones who turned them. their bodies react when their superior speaks, whether they want to obey or not. suffice to say, it was disgustingly easy for servius to turn a boy into a weapon, horrifyingly simple to do whatever he needed to to get solomon to lose every ounce of defiance he had.

solomon doesn't remember his life "before". he doesn't remember his parents, hardly remembers even having any. it's been 150-ish years since then, after all, and everything servius did to him erased every bit of the boy he was before. the only remnants he has are the jagged scar on his neck and his fucked up teeth.

the other thing about demons is that, despite the fact that they can shapeshift, there are certain things they can't shapeshift away, usually "imperfections" of some kind that are either indicative of something from their prior life or scars from the way they were killed. solomon has both. like the universe getting one last spiteful laugh lol

anyway. so, once servius felt like he'd sufficiently erased every bit of "sylvester" from solomon (so, when solomon was older, about 16) he started training him. and it was true that a sorcerer-turned-demon was far more powerful than any normal demon, even if solomon was still just a scrawny, fucked up teenager. not only did he have the superhuman strength of a demon and the ability to shapeshift, he also still had his magic. a demon with magic, and not only that, but he still had the ability to interact with humans. and that was a strength that no one else could claim.

so, that cemented the plan: to craft superweapon demon children, and twist them, and break them to obey servius's will. to eventually overthrow the demon society as they knew it.

it took a long time for servius to find other targets. sorcerers are few and far between, and sorcerer children even moreso. so it was just solomon for a long time, and in the meantime he learned to do as demons do: haunt the streets, pick targets to turn, make more. it was a good distraction, if anything, to drown himself in city nightlife and bars and sex and doing what he had been taught to do: kill. he got so good at it that he did it without thinking, because it was all he really knew how to do. for about a hundred years. he turned into a charismatic, flirtatious, murdering monster. a good, true villain. back then, anyway

there were others that servius tried to turn, over those years. but they were failures, either failing to turn and just dying instead, or simply being impossible to break and being killed for real (the holy water kind). and solomon felt nothing. but then servius got sick of doing it himself, and went, hm! well, i have a superweapon, after all! might as well finally use it! and sent solomon to do his dirty work.

now, you may be wondering, "grims, wouldn't they have to obey solomon then?" well not if solomon dragged them back to servius instead of killing them himself.

which was the plan. but the first time, solomon fucked up. lol

i have this other oc, lavern, who was solomon's first target. and solomon would've been able to handle it pretty easily. except that when he got to the point where he could drag him back to servius, he had this momentary thought of like, "okay, well, if i turned him myself though, i could get the upper hand on servius". because, like, it's not like he loved servius. he hated his fucking guts. but there was nothing he could do. so he thought, well, if i turn this kid, maybe he can be my weapon. and he started to do it, started to kill him. but about halfway through, he suddenly felt sick, realizing this must've been what servius felt when he turned solomon, and he stopped.

unfortunately, something went wrong, and lavern ended up becoming some weird half-demon half-sorcerer amalgam that kind of just made him weaker instead of stronger. and solomon is saddled with the guilt of permanently fucking this kid up because he got greedy. but it's only a little guilt, because we must remember solomon was kind of a piece of shit at this point. 👍 he does end up hiding lavern in his apartment though because he feels bad. he kind of ends up like a little brother to solomon, and that's where solomon's "siblings" start.

servius got mad at him for this, of course (solomon lied and said he failed and the kid died) and never let him go hunting for him again. soon after that, servius hunted down a couple of other kids, an 8 year old and a 16 year old (and he was REALLLLLLY lucky on that one), and successfully turned them. lili and jem, solomon's other siblings. and servius began calling them "horsemen," some tongue-in-cheek joke because he meant to make a fourth one. solomon, death. lili, famine. jem, war. and the last would be pestilence.

but he never got the chance to make a fourth one. there's a long story about the first person solomon ever fell in love with, the thing that changed him from this mostly heartless monster to something salvageable, but it's something i kind of want to rework because it involves an oc that is not mine and that feels wrong to still use. the plot would remain the same, but the details would need to be different. but the jist is, solomon sticks his neck out for someone he really shouldn't have, because he got stupid and possessive of an enemy, and it leads to him saving them from being permanently obliterated, and in return they eventually kill servius in a blind rage because servius tries to get solomon to kill them. and they basically destroy themself in the process. and solomon is left alone again. :)

so for about 20 years, solomon's alone with no servius and just his siblings, one of which (jem) hates him so much and keeps trying to kill him, and the other two who he has no idea how to deal with. and he has this new problem of having grown to care about someone enough to fall in love with them and then losing them and having no idea how to deal with these feelings he now knows he's capable of. and it sucks, and he's miserable, and he starts randomly taking jobs just to fill his time.

and that's how he meets meko, a sorcerer, and solomon's future husband (seb's oc who i literally go fucking crazy over!)

i'm only saying how they met because i think seb would be disappointed in me if i didn't. we were like 17 when we came up with this so please forgive how juvenile it is though it's in character JKSHJDKJSD. but anyway uh, it was originally just a joke, but i had solomon working the night shift as a cashier at a sex toy store because he would do that (he enjoys people watching). and meko, yknow, being a sorcerer, figured he could just go in and steal whatever he wanted because it's not like anyone would be able to see him, right? but he didn't expect a demon to be working the register LMFAO so uh. yeah. solomon calls him out on it because no one else is there and meko being meko is like "hey i'll suck your dick if you let me go" because he's. normal. solomon doesn't take him up on it but it's still funny to me. also meko's first impression of solomon is, and i quote, "That has to be the palest motherfucker I've ever seen in my entire fucking life," which i still think is a hilarious first impression and also extremely true.

anyway uhhhh jem shows up and tries to kill solomon again when meko's there and solomon has to save him, but then it ends up with this whole debacle where solomon takes meko to his pocket dimension apartment but can't get him back out immediately and it's a whole ridiculous way to meet. but they just keep running into each other over and over despite not trying to and they disastrously fall for each other because they're equally weird and chaotic. but meko is terminally ill and doesn't tell solomon until he's so weak he can't hide it, and solomon loses it because. well. the other person he loved died unexpectedly and it's Bad. so solomon, despite his better judgment, offers to turn meko into a demon (or, well, a horseman, but, semantics) to "save" his life. so he wouldn't have to lose him. and meko lets him.

it's a scene i've wanted to write for YEAAAARS but solomon kills him by stabbing meko in the back while he's holding him. and he feels so sick the whole time because he told himself he'd never turn anyone again and much less a sorcerer, but here he is killing the man he loves and turning him into a monster just like he is and technically fulfilling servius's wish by making a fourth demon-sorcerer. but it's worth it, he tells himself, if he gets to keep meko with him.

and like, he doesn't regret it, but it's guilt that still haunts him even in current day. he still has nightmares about it. it sucks. it's bad. i'm sad about meko and solomon sorry i think about them a lot

but anyway look at them

absolutely obsessed w/ them. they're gross <3

anyway uh last but not least, after they've, yknow, settled a bit, solomon accidentally stumbles upon two demon kids (twins. they're literally like 4) who got turned and abandoned by their parents, and solomon feels sorry for them and picks them up, not really intending to keep them but not wanting them to rot on the street ("i'm not running an orphanage here but god i just can't leave em there" he says, lying about not running an orphanage). and he gets attached, because of course he does. and that's how meko and solomon end up with adrian and blaine, two absolute freaklets.

and that's (mostly!) the solomon story, skipping over or skimming some major things LOL i love him so so much i'm sorry

oh uh bonus trivia:

he has a giant scraggly black cat named death who can talk and also turn into a horse (though i haven't decided if i want to keep the horse thing. it's kind of a leftover thing from the original horseman idea that i only halfway scrapped). they fucking hate each other but death sticks around anyway and solomon has no idea why. he actually likes the kids though and solomon is baffled and confused by this

"sylvester" was actually trans and was still like, settling into that when he got killed, and solomon has literally no memory of this and thinks he's amab because he's been shapeshifted as such for so long. it's kind of funny to me but also sad :(

i didn't really get to mention this but solomon's magic type is teleportation! or, like, more specifically teleportation/pocket dimensions sort of? it's a little nebulous but basically he can teleport himself and also summon things from other places as long as he knows exactly where it is. so he has like, a shit ton of knives and other weapons stored at his apartment and can just summon them at will. he can also teleport other people but it takes a lot of energy and he has to be touching them

demons all have, like, "true" forms and solomon's is his original body carrying its own head + goop wings and stuff. i wish so badly that i could draw so i could design it but aughhghhg.

when i originally made him, i was trying to prove i could make an "irredeemable" character because a friend thought i couldn't, and i was like, oh yeah? and i made him and originally he was but then i. got attached . and redeemed him. so i failed. LOL oops

i think that's all for now !!! i love him so much. guy who rewired me. i'm still fucked up about how similar he and astari*n are and it further proves that i could never put solomon in the public eye because people can't help being freaks. but i digress

solomon vale NUMERO UNO!!!!!! he's a disaster! mwah!

[asoiafandotherbooks]

TWOIAF/Fire & Blood: The King Is Dead, Long Live The King

Warning, Spoilers Ahead…

The King is dead, long live the King!

Prince Aenys had been in Highgarden at the time of Aegon the Conqueror’s death but returned for the funeral.  Grand Maester Gawen proclaimed the thirty-year old as “Aenys of House Targaryen, the First of His Name, King of the Andals and the Rhoynar and the First Men, Lord of the Seven Kingdoms, and Protector of the Realm”.

Aenys informed the twenty-five years old Maegor: “Brother, you need never kneel to me again. We shall rule this realm together, you and I.” Aneys bequeathed Blackfyre to Maegor, stating “You are more fit to bear this blade than me. Wield it in my service, and I shall be content.”

Maegor now possesses both Valyrian steel blades belonging to House Targaryen.

King Aenys made a quick stop in King’s Landing to be seen and cheered by the populace of King’s Landing before travelling to Oldtown to receive the blessing of the High Septon. Aenys was accompanied by Queen Alyssa and his three eldest children: Rhaena (14 years old), Aegon (11 years old), and Viserys (8 years old). The family was accompanied by three hundred mounted knights and their retinue.

The family, except for Rhaena, soaked in the adoration of the crowds. Rhaena was overwhelmed by the attention and reverted into her shy self. She remained sullen until Queen Alyssa sent for Lady Melony Piper to join them on their journey.

Aenys was anointed by the High Septon at Oldtown, who presented him with a crown of yellow gold with the faces of the Seven inlaid in jade and pear.

Sadly for Aenys while he’s soaking up the cheers of the masses, the rumblings of discontent for his reign have already begun. “Westeros requires a warrior not a weakling” was a common refrain. And Aenys is rather unimpressive standing next to Maegor.

To rehash their accomplishments up to the crowning:

Maegor –

Knighted at 16 years old

Won tourneys

Battled the Giant of the Trident

Led two expeditions against Lyseni pirates in the Stepstones

Gave the eulogy at Aegon the Conqueror’s funeral

Possesses both Valyrian swords of House Targaryen

Aenys –

Made progresses

Feasted with lords

Loves to sing

Has a dragon

It’s not hard to see why lords would prefer Maegor on the throne. Chief among the dissenters was Dowager Queen Visenya: “The truth is plain enough. Even Aenys sees it. Why else would he have given Blackfyre to my son? He knows that only Maegor has the strength to rule.”

I feel for Aenys. He seems to be a good man, a loving husband, and an excellent father but none of these qualities will help him survive the Game of Thrones. He also seems to have a “people pleaser” streak that won’t work in his favor.

Up next, King Aenys’ mettle is tested but will he pass?

[plotsjotsandespressoshot]

I have reverted back to my cool girl self where no matter where I go people are like “omg I love your hair, I love your finger tattoos, I love your pins” and I love it. It’s everything my nerdy, outcast 16 year old self ever wanted.

[treadmilltreats]

Don't make New Year's resolutions, make life resolutions

Every year, we all make New Year's resolutions. We vow to go to the gym more, eat right, make more money, and do the things we should be doing already but aren't. We gym rats know that the gym is packed the first month of the year, but by the last week in January, not so much. By the second week in February, it's just us die-hards that are in there again.

So why do we do that to ourselves? Why do we make these resolutions only to break them and then make ourselves feel bad? Ten years ago, I decided I wasn't going to make any more resolutions. I was going to make life resolutions to do something to change who I was as a person inside.

These have been my life resolutions that have literally, changed my life.

2014 was: Let go and let God

This meant I couldn't control everything. I couldn't figure out all of my problems, so if I wanted to change my life, I had to let go of control and give it to God. See, God kept giving me messages, but I thought I knew better. This was a game-changer for me.

2015 was: Pray and let God worry

I remember while I was getting divorced, I was stressing so much that I couldn't eat or sleep and my hair was falling out. I even thought I was having a heart attack at one point. I couldn't go on believing in God and keep stressing. It didn't make sense, did I believe it or not? Do I have faith or not? So I chose to pray and let God worry, and that was the best decision I ever made.

2016 was: Be present in my purpose

I know I am here for a purpose. I know God gave me this gift of writing to be able to touch others with my words. So, in 2016, I chose to be present in my purpose and know that this is where I am supposed to be.

My bible verse has always been: Romans 8.28

"God causes everything to happen for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them"

I have been present in this verse and my life ever since.

2017 was: Be real to yourself

For me, it's listening to that voice inside yourself. It's feeling what makes you happy, trusting what God is telling you, and what is real. We often poo poo things in our minds. We know deep down what the message is, but we don't want to listen.

I heard the messages, and I have acted quickly on them as I now trust God and my intuition. This was a hard one for me, and sometimes I reverted to my old ways, but since this resolution, I have been quicker to learn my lessons and move on.

2018: Knowing your self-worth.

This was also a hard one for me, as I lost my self-worth a long time ago and hadn't gotten it back. I used to let men use me. I'd run after men who aren't worth my time. I've made excuses for the bad behavior of people and given way too many chances to people who've hurt me.

I had to practice what I preached, the things I wrote about to my readers. I needed to show others how to treat me, with love and respect, and if not, then you're outta here. I now know my self-worth, and it's a wonderful feeling.

2019 was: To realize that I am a soldier.

I had to realize that God only gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers, and that's me. Whether I wanted it or not, this is who he called me to be. This is so I can share my testimony with others.

2020 was: To be happy within myself.

It doesn't matter what people say, whether they think it's right or wrong, this is your life. You can be dead tomorrow, and I know this as I lost many loved ones suddenly, and so I know how short life can truly be. You need to do what makes you happy now. Don't try to live your life pleasing others, because most times they will never be happy with themselves. I will do what makes me happy, as long as I am not hurting anyone. This is my life, and I will live it my way.

2021 was: Do not lose heart

                                                    It is from 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, inwardly we are being renewed day by day. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is"

2022 was: Be happy

This was about being happy with yourself. You can not make anyone else happy, but you can find the happiness within.

2023 was: Shit happens

                                                    A lot of shit happened, and I've realized that's just life.

Shit will happen, and life goes on, but we can't let it bring us down or knock us out. There will be some great years, and there will be some really, shitty years, but our attitude is the only thing we can change.

2024 was: There is always room for improvement.

I learned that I wasn't over my PTSD. I allowed someone to push my buttons and bring me back to a place I thought I was done with. I learned that money or a job is not worth your peace of mind. And that you can always make a change to fix yourself, which I did by going back to therapy.

2025 my life resolution is: It's okay to close a door

Sometimes you have to close a door. Sometimes we outgrow people or circumstances. We've learned our lessons and we are ready to move on and that's okay. Not everyone is coming with you for the whole ride.

I know this life is only temporary, and through it all, I have not lost heart. Even when I couldn't see what was coming at me, I held on to my faith, and I looked for the lessons in this craziness in the world. I was grateful for things even when the world seemed bleak.

See, you can not change, you cannot get this if you still will not let go. If you still do not have faith...it's all on you. Can you get out of your own way to make things happen?

Once we let go of these things, once we let go of control, once we learn faith and we pray and let God worry, things will change. Once we are present in our purpose, once we are real with ourselves, once we own who we are called to be, once we are happy with ourselves and our life then everything we ever wanted, everything we ever lost, everything that was stolen from us, will be returned in abundance.

So today, my friends, I tell you that this is your year, you are the only one that can change things in your life. If you truly want them to change, you have to do the work, and believe me, sometimes it's not easy.

If I can do it, then you can, too. Change your life today...

Don't make New Year's resolutions, make life resolutions...start today.

"Be the change you want to see”

@TreadmillTreats

[crymea-river]

4/26/2024

leap years are for remembering

god sometimes i read the things i used to write on here or even in my old journals and i cringe (for lack of a better word) at how seriously i was taking things. this page is such a time capsule. i love it, im glad ive documented my feelings over the years but it makes me feel… weird. nostalgia is so interesting.

im having a really good and also strange time with (what i assume is) my adult brain. good bc i can trust my judgement better than i have ever been able to; things just make sense in an innate way now, a way that i struggle describe. strange bc i feel like i know myself less than i ever have but also way more than i ever have at the same time ? im the same person i was at 11 and 12 and 13 and 17 and 18 and 22, and its so crazy to me how different all these ages felt but theyre all me. they didnt really go anywhere, theyre all still inside me. i remember being 22 and still feeling relatively connected to my high-school-self but then just 2 years later i felt decades removed from her. and now i feel decades removed from my 22-year-old-self. the way i would reminisce on 2016 in 2020 is how im reminiscing on 2020 now. lol leap years are for remembering, i guess.

ive found myself reverting back to a lot of things i used to do and enjoy in adolescence. lots of silly topical things, like using pantene instead of all these expensive hair products ive tried over the years. i loved the way it made my hair smell back then and it made it so soft and who cares if it coats my hair in silicon or whatever ill just clarify it every few weeks itll be fine. im also finally letting myself enjoy things from back then that i was afraid to fully embrace for fear of being judged. thats a Huge fun part about getting older i’ve noticed, not caring what others think. id have told you back then that i didnt care about that, and on the surface i didnt. but it would get to me to some degree. i think my music taste from back then is a prime example of that (im not gonna elaborate i know what i mean).

i hope im making 11 and 12 and 13 year old me proud. and i want to tell 16 and 17 and 18 AND 19 year old me it gets better, but also to stop taking such trivial things so seriously maybe. life does not revolve around having a boyfriend (or whatever youd call those fuckers from back then). itll happen when its meant to and it will be so worth it. no one knows what they want at those ages. i barely knew what i wanted until it fell into my lap to be honest, and that only happened after i stopped yearning so hard for that shit and began TRULY enjoying my own company (and my friends’ obviously. love them). this is not where i wanted to go with this, i didnt want to talk about men. i think thats what cringes me out so bad about my old posts/entries, theyre allllllll (mostly) about bOyS. which was age appropriate i GUESS but idk it just brought me so much unnecessary stress lol. i learned eventually, and im glad i did so when i did.

all this to say im very happy. and peaceful. and i love the people i have surrounded myself with. i love being in love and i cannot describe in actual english words how thrilled i am that its with will. even 4 years into it.

being 26 is just so strange i think

[niealle]

Connecting with people and not taking things personally can be hard at times. I used to be able to detach myself easily from things that are unhealthy for me, but I’ve been having a hard time doing so lately. It’s probably because I allowed myself to be vulnerable without any boundaries. Hence, I realized how important it is to have boundaries, particularly regarding things that matter to you.

I’ve realized that I struggle to adopt the “let them be” approach in my life. Allowing people to treat me based on how they want to doesn’t sound healthy especially when they are being shitty. I can’t let people treat me as a back burner. I can’t let people treat me as a convenient friend. I can’t let people treat me as someone who is just squeezed into their schedule instead of making time for me. I prioritize myself above anyone else and I would never allow myself to be trampled on by other people.

I used to be hard on myself when I reacted in a certain way to things not going my way, but I learned to accept the fact that that’s just how I am. I hold grudges. I hate it when I’m being taken advantage of. I dislike liars. I cut off people easily. I would never allow a person who hurt me to leave freely without facing consequences. If people start treating me badly, I’ll detach myself from them until my patience runs out and that’s when I’ll cut them off. I get mad when something toxic is happening in my life. All of these are valid ways for me to show self-respect.

Not taking things personally is one of the best approaches that I’ve learned. It allows me to step back and detach myself easily from people or situations that might affect me negatively. An example is when my friend canceled our hangout on the same day. I can get mad at them for canceling, but would it be helpful for me to get mad? No. Then I’ll just think that them canceling has nothing to do with me but more about them. They canceled because they’re feeling down. They canceled because they got lazy. Or perhaps it really has something to do with me HAHAHAHAHAHA—okay, I get it. I might get a little upset about that, but I won’t dwell on the feeling because it doesn’t serve any purpose.

A victim of bullying and a people pleaser in the past learned not to take things personally????? I find it fascinating how much I’ve grown during the past few years, especially during the pandemic. I used to think that I was already satisfied with how I was in the past, but then I realized that the only thing that is constant in life is change and it made me feel at ease because what do you mean I can still become a better person than I am right now????? Pursuing self-development has been one hell of a ride because one moment I’m doing so much better and the next, I’ve reverted back to my old habits. Being self-aware has been one of the best feelings in the world, but maintaining self-awareness was a bit of a challenge for me, especially as a female who gets her period monthly (iykyk). It is the best feeling in the world because you finally know who you are. You might not have things figured out, but it’s still okay because you’re still growing. The world didn’t end when I was 16, 19, and last year.

[millennihilism]

This ended up longer than I expected so bear with me, but I have a soft rebuttal

tl;dr - remember that this is not a more standard relationship between a 23yo woman and a 35yo man. Remus is a whole ass hot mess who needs so much therapy and Tonks got into her dream job’s career track (and one that requires a great deal of maturity) directly out of high school.

Ok I can absolutely get where you’re coming from and you lay out your case well, but if I may provide some perspective from someone with 10 years on you: Is Remus physically 35 when they meet? Yes. Does he appear that he’s a well-enough-adjusted Actual Adult™️ to the kids? Generally, yes, but they only see him in situations where he would need to appear as a mature, experienced professor-type resource to them.

However

There is no way that guy is remotely at an emotional maturity of your average 35yo man (granted, gonna be honest, that bar is not really the highest in my own experience). That dude had his entire world come crashing down in one event and then likely just coasted to get by and continue living for the next 12 years. We know he never found relationships or human connection the way he had with his school friends. He didn’t mature into actual adulthood alongside his close peers (careers, families, etc) because he simply didn’t have any and didn’t have much for actual career prospects versus bouncing from whatever employment he could obtain because of prejudice against werewolves.

There’s also a solid post from not long ago about someone refuting the power dynamic that typically exists to some degree in a relationship with a young woman and significantly older man by pointing out that the person with notably more power in between those two is Tonks. She’s a confident individual with family and friends, has not experienced the same kind(s) of trauma Remus has (and also probably received some sort of support for any she may have, unlike Remus), has a promising and very well-respected career. Remus has nothing.

Again, as someone who is coming up on 32 and also happens to have a personality fairly similar to our guy Remus Lupin — I’ve had a decent amount of experience in a position of authority but also appearing to be the mature “actual adult” to teenagers I was the immediate supervisor of, but also very friendly with them. But lmaooo how badly so much of it was “do as I say, not as I do”

Also, I had a number of things change suddenly and significantly in my life in like 2015-16 (and not remotely traumatizing as having all of my friends die one night and then being a pariah for over a decade) that never really got the closure I’d prefer and haven’t gotten around to bringing myself to address it head-on, process, and allow all of that baggage to move along. I have told many people for years that I am emotionally stuck in that period of time and really have not changed that much as a person at all in that time. However, I had friends and family and a committed romantic relationship that entire time and people to lean on if I desperately needed it.

That was long-winded but my point is that I can very sympathize with, and self reporting here, being stunted like that and my things are relatively mundane to even my peers, so lightyears more vapid than Remus’s life. (I am just a sensitive flower about existing)

Anyway, all of that digression to say: from personal experience between my physical age and how I feel/act, their physical/biological age may be 13 years, but they are definitely closer if we measured in maturity in emotion and actions/behaviors. and, also based on my own experiences with old friends, I suspect that when Remus and Sirius spent time together (in light, jovial moods at least), they probably reverted pretty hard back to being in their early 20s and that makes it a lot easier to visualize Tonks spending time with just the 2 of them and it not feeling that odd between all of them.

I've been thinking about how much I adore Tonks and Remus' dynamic but physically cannot ship them because my brain is being weird about their fucking age gap. this is so frustrating. they would have been so lovely for me if Tonks was like at least 27 in 5th book. Ronks (yeah I'm not calling it Remadora, Tonks hates her birth name ffs) would have been my ride-or-die alongside Jily and Wolfstar for sure.

because literally nothing else that Ronks antis consider deal breakers for them matters to me - not the fumbled way they get together in canon, not them getting married so quickly, not Tonks getting pregnant, not the assumed queer-coding of both characters (which I personally see, don't get me wrong. but it's assumed and who the fuck says they can't be queer4queer anyway?). sure, the nuclear family narrative being pushed so quickly and thoroughly onto them is peculiar but who says they didn't want to make the most of their time during a war? I love wartime drama and they would have been my shit if it weren't for... well. Tonks being 22 and Remus 35 when they meet.

I just can't ship big age gaps unless the youngest character is closer to 30 than 20. which is infuriating, because Ronks is objectively more fascinating because of their gap. my fucking loss, don't you think?

anyway, after thinking of ways I can make Tonks older without hurting the story, I began wondering whether her age is narratively important, and yes, turns out it very much is - for Harry.

Tonks being 22 in order of phoenix makes her the closest of Order members to Harry's age (Weasley twins don't count because they're Ron's brothers first, order members second for Harry) and the one Order member Harry can relate to the most in his youth and desire to fight. She almost perfectly parallels marauders and Lily in first war and represents the fun of the fight, the fire of youth, the confidence of a new recruit, the safety of relatability for Harry. She's one of the biggest inspirations for his newfound dream of becoming an auror. Harry needs Tonks among those older, battle-worn, cautious, secretive adults who don't take him seriously and never look him in the eye, because he wants to be what she is even before realising it and only reflects on it after spending time with her.

all in all, Tonks being 22 matters quite a lot for Harry's story.

now, we have no way of knowing whether Joanne came up with Ronks storyline prior to Tonks' introduction, but it shouldn't matter for their relationship, not in Joanne's opinion - Tonks' youth already fulfilled its narrative role in order of phoenix and stopped being an important asset of her character in half-blood prince.

oh, but unfortunately it still matters in the grand scheme of things, Joanne. you don't just introduce a young adult character (I'm 21 myself and gods, 22/23 is barely more mature), chuck their established age out the window and pair them up with a character in their mid-to-late thirties. and of fucking course it makes sense for a 23 year old to be down bad for some scruffy 36 year old man, it's incredibly realistic! this 36 year old man acting upon such crush is a little questionable, but still realistic (and we know Remus is very flawed, so I'm not surprised). but you know what isn't realistic at all?

Molly - a 46 year old woman, married to her high school sweetheart, mother to 7 children, 3 of which are close to Tonks' age - being extremely supportive of actually engaging in that sort of relationship, going as far as reprimanding Remus for not committing to it. I'm sorry, what? Molly might have some flaws as a mother, but she is nothing if not protective of her kids and those in their age range. She genuinely becomes somewhat of a mother figure for Tonks during their time in the Order, and I just cannot for the life of me understand how Molly could encourage her to pursue Remus and vice-versa, instead of consoling Tonks in her tragic crush and making sure Remus doesn't even look at her like that.

Minerva - an even older woman who taught both Remus and Tonks at Hogwarts, witnessed Remus becoming an adult from his graduation in 1978 up until 1981, then saw an 11 year old Tonks start Hogwarts 3 years later in 1984 - chiding Remus for not being "brave" enough to commit to such relationship. first of all, why the fuck is she involved in that narrative at all? it's none of her business??? she's not in any pseudo parenting role for either of them, unlike Molly, so I never understood why she even has a place to voice her opinion about their romance. second of all, even if it was her business, Minerva - a professor who witnessed both Remus and Tonks grow up so many years apart - would realistically feel pretty weird about such relationship.

those aren't problems with the ship itself, but rather the way Joanne implemented their romance in the story. I think it would be more realistic if Ronks was some kind of fucked up forbidden romance from other characters' perspectives. the way everybody is so instantly supportive of them is quite jarring to me.

interestingly, when I read hp for the first time at 11 I was quite adamant in my belief that Tonks was in love with Molly up until that scene in half-blood prince. a very weird belief for a kid, I know. I just only liked girls at the time and was relating to Tonks quite a bit since her introduction, so I guess I unconsciously decided she was a lesbian even without knowing that term yet. I also had a crush on my teacher in 4th grade and she was quite similar to Molly... yeah, this girl was projecting too much. I didn't pick up on Remus' queer-coding until I fell down the rabbit hole of lgbt discourse at 14, but was pretty shocked to read about Tonks falling for a man at 11. she was so like me until she wasn't :) it's pretty funny to think about now.

in conclusion, I'm hella jealous of those of you who don't have weird brains and can enjoy Ronks to their fullest potential. their canon writing has its issues but they're more interesting for it, truly. I'll stay in my no fun corner, headcanoning them as lavender married, queer-platonic, bisexual besties co-parenting Teddy Alastor Tonks.