#i have no time to do laundry or clean my room or do my fucking taxes much less anything fun
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October 10th - Gojo Satoru
“i’ve worked hard today baby, take those jeans off and let me spoil myself.”
content: 18+, nsfw, oral sex (f! recieving), pussy worshiping, overstimulation, unprotected sex, praise, afab! reader
☆彡
after a grueling day at jujutsu high, gojo’s pent-up energy and desire for a well-deserved break collided as he stepped through the door of your modest apartment. he tossed his bag aside, the thud echoing through the quiet space, and sighed, actively trying to release the tension from the events of his day. yuji had been swallowed by a curse, nobara was captured and held up as ransom, and megumi…actually megumi didn’t get into any trouble.
focusing on his surroundings, he had come to realise that it was quiet, too quiet for a space that had two occupants.
“y/n? baby?”
nothing.
it was quite out of the ordinary, considering you should have been home the whole day. you were on paid time off from jujutsu high, needing a break from all that was going on, therefore you had no reason to be out right now, unless you just forgot to tell him. unlike you, but at least it would grant him some form of an explanation.
he pulled his phone out of his pocket, ready to dial your number, when he heard a thud from deeper within the apartment.
“y/n? is that you? cmon baby stop playing, you know you can’t scare me.”
he walked closer towards the noise, deducing eventually that it came from the laundry room. he approached the door, quiet as ever, swinging it open and coming into view of his precious girlfriend.
“y/n? why weren’t you answering me? y/n?”
you were apparently ignoring him, not even startled by the open door or the presence that was now behind you, and he soon came to realise why. you were bent over, placing yours and gojo’s wet clothes into the dryer. you had your headphones in, blasting your favourite song.
more importantly, it was fundamental for gojo to take note of exactly what you were bent over in. your legs, thighs and ass were clad in a pair of dark blue denim jeans that hugged your lower body in all the right places. although constricted, your plump ass moved freely as you placed more clothes into the dryer. your top half was donned in a simple black tank top, cropped enough just to show a sliver of your stomach and lower back. your hair was tied back and out of the way presumably to avoid annoyance as you completed the household chores. you looked irresistibly delectable, and he could feel himself getting hard.
he leaned towards your ear, pulling out an airpod and consequently pausing your music in doing so.
“what the fuck?” you looked behind you to see who had the audacity to stop your music during the best part and immediately got startled seeing your boyfriend so close behind you. “shit! satoru what the hell!”
“you know, for such a highly esteemed sorcerer as yourself, your awareness is quite shit as soon as you put your headphones in.”
you reached up to hug him, evidently missing his absence. “piss off i was busy.” as you revelled in your long hug, you couldn’t help but notice the unmistakable poke of a hard-on at your inner thigh. you pulled back to look at gojo, his cheeks slightly rosy.
“did you seriously get hard from that hug?”
he scratched at his nape. “yes and no. who are you wearing those jeans for my love?”
you raised an eyebrow, not realising that your simple jeans gave off that much of an effect. “myself? i’m trying to clean.”
“cleaning can wait. i’ve worked hard today baby, take those jeans off and let me spoil myself.”
he closed in on you, trapping you between him and the dryer behind you.
“why are you so horny today? i’m not even looking good like that for you to be this brazen.”
“don’t you understand? you never need to do much for me to be turned on. today though, you look so fucking good.” he leaned down and licked at your neck, eliciting a moan from you as he hit your sensitive spot. you felt hands at your waist grip onto you and swiftly lift you up. you fell forward in shock, landing squarely on his right shoulder. he landed a smack on your ass before leaving his hand to rest there while he turned around and walked out of the laundry room.
“satoru! where are we going? i need to finish the laundry.”
“the laundry hand hold off a while longer. i want to treat my girl right. i deserve it.”
you witnessed as you approached the couch, before being turned around and thrown down on it. gently, of course. looking up you could see gojo slowly approaching you.
“you’re so good to me y/n. so calm, so peaceful.”
“have the kids drove you crazy again?” you knew gojo only acted like this when his day was long. it would explain why he’s so willing to relish in you, considering you were the calmer side that jujutsu high had to offer. you weren’t complaining either way, considering you were about to be on the receiving end of gojo’s ministration.
“shhh, less talking more moaning.” he leant down, trapping your lips in a sweet kiss. you grabbed his hair in response, pushing his entire head into your lips further. your hunger was insatiable and a mere kiss was able to have you on the brink of absolute maximal horniness.
you slipped your tongue in, tangling with his, converting the sweet moment to one of absolute nastiness, webbed with arousal. you moaned into the kiss, your hips moving against nothing, desperate for some form of friction to ease your hot cunt.
seeing this, gojo took this as his cue to proceed. he separated from your lips, moving down to unbutton your pants with a practiced ease, his eyes never leaving yours. the anticipation was palpable as he slowly pulled down the zipper, the metallic sound echoing in the quiet room. he slid his hand inside, feeling the warmth and wetness that awaited him.
“this for me baby? you’re so fucking wet.”
you nodded, moving your hips once more against his hand savouring the feeling of his hand on your clit.
with a groan of pure need, he pulled down your jeans and panties in one go, revealing your glistening pussy. you spread your legs further, your folds opening up invitingly. he couldn't resist the temptation any longer, positioning himself between your thighs, his eyes feasting on the sight before him.
“you’re so fucking beautiful.” he groaned with upmost desire.
he lowered his head and began to lick you, starting with a soft, tentative stroke that soon turned into a fervent exploration. his tongue danced around your clit, teasing and flicking, while his hands gripped your hips firmly, to keep you from squirming.
“oh fuck!” you threw your head back into the couch, back arching up trying to shrink away from the sudden pleasure. gojo’s actions sent a jolt of electricity up your spine.
the taste of you was intoxicating, a heady mix of sweetness and desire that made his own need grow. he increased the pace, his tongue swirling and pressing against your sensitive bud. he could feel your legs tremble, your nails digging into the couch cushions as you approached your climax.
your breathing became erratic, your chest heaving as you reached the edge. with a final, determined lick, he sent you spiraling over, your body convulsing with pleasure.
“satoru! don’t stop please don’t stop!” you cried out his name, your orgasm washing over you in waves. gojo watched as your face contorted with ecstasy, feeling his own arousal spike as he enjoyed the sight of your release.
“give it to me y/n, just like that. you’re such a good girl for me.”
finally, your body relaxed, your breaths coming in gasps. he kissed his way back up your stomach, savoring the taste of your skin. "i love you" he whispered against you ear, his voice laced with pure adoration.
“i love you too ‘toru”
gojo stood up, his movements fluid and purposeful. he unbuckled his belt and unzipped his pants, freeing his erect cock from its confinement. it sprang forth, thick and heavy, the tip glistening with pre-cum. your eyes widened, your core pulsing with anticipation once more as you took in the sheer size of him. although this is one of the many times you and gojo have had sex, you never got used to how big he actually is. his girth and length are impressive, which leads you to wonder how the fuck you’re able to take his size every time. not that you’re complaining.
without wasting another second, he moved back and positioned himself at the edge of the couch. he pulled you back with him, adjusting you and aligning his cock with your dripping wet entrance. “you ready?” he asked with genuine care. you nodded, taking his left hand in your right, while his right hand held onto your hip. he held your gaze as he pushed inside you inch by inch, filling you up completely. you gasped, your eyes rolling back in your head as you felt the familiar stretch that always sent a thrill through your body.
“shit!” your back arched once more, almost unable to comprehend how deep he felt inside you.
he began to move, his hips rocking in a steady rhythm that had you moaning uncontrollably. the couch creaked beneath you, a testament to the passion that fueled your every motion. he leaned over you, hands leaving yours for a moment. he placed one hand on the couch back, while the other tangled in your hair. he used his grip to pull your face towards his, claiming your mouth in a bruising kiss as he continued to drive into you.
your legs wrapped around his waist, your ankles locking together as you urged him deeper, your nails raking down his back. the friction of your bodies created a symphony of sounds, a crescendo that matched the racing beat of your hearts. gojo groaned heavily, the insurmountable pleasure rushing throughout his entire body.
your bodies moved in perfect harmony, each thrust pushing you closer to the brink of ecstasy. gojo could feel you tightening around him, your muscles contracting in a delicious vice-like grip. he knew you were close, and he wanted nothing more than to feel you cum again, this time with him buried deep inside you.
he reached between you, finding your clit with his thumb. he began to rub it in tight, fast circles, his eyes never leaving yours. the eye contact was insanely scandalous, and your hips bucked up to meet his, your breaths coming in pants as you chased the building pleasure.
“don’t look away y/n. i want to see you face as you cum.”
you nodded rapidly, unable to think or comprehend properly as gojo rapidly brought you over the edge. your hands were flailing, grabbing at anything that could anchor you, bring you away from the unbearable pleasure.
with a final, powerful thrust, you shattered, your orgasm ripping through you like lightning. your walls clamped down on him, sending waves of pleasure crashing through his body. gojo groaned, his own climax following closely behind, filling you up with his hot cum.
your bodies remained joined, both of you panting and trembling from the intensity of your release. he kissed your forehead, his hand stroking your disheveled hair gently. "i love you" he whispered again, the words a promise, a declaration of devout love that sent a warm shiver down your spine.
you nodded, your eyes shining with love and satisfaction. "i love you too satoru," you murmured, your voice barely audible.
the tension of gojo’s day melted away, replaced by the warmth and comfort of your bond. you had found refuge in each other's embrace, a sanctuary from the chaos of the world outside. as you lay there, entwined and sated, the only sound in the room was the soft thud of your hearts in sync, a silent testament to the love that had just been made.
“round two?”
“fuck off satoru.”
note: hey guys…*silence* if you match the date it says on the heading to the date it is today, you’ll see it is indeed NOT october. however, quite a lot of things happened and my mental state was at a fuck all low. however, i’m in a much better place and my motivation has somewhat returned enough for me to start trying to write again. so here you go, the long awaited 2nd/4th kinktober post. i will try and get the others up soon, along with any other asks in my inbox that you guys have sent in. (REQUESTS ARE OPEN SO DON’T BE SHY PLEASEEEEE)
i love you all!
#nicxl333#anime#nicxl333writes#jjk gojo#gojo satoru x reader smut#gojo x reader smut#jujutsu gojo#gojo smut#gojo x reader#gojo saturo#gojou satoru x reader#jujutsu kaisen gojo#gojo satoru#gojo x you#gojo x y/n#gojo satoru x you#satoru gojo x reader#jjk satoru#jujutsu satoru#satoru x you#satoru smut#jujutsu kaisen smut#jujustsu kaisen x reader#jujutsu kaisen#kinktober 2024#kinktober#jjk x reader#jjk smut
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A Laundry Guide for People Who Have Obvious-Sounding Questions They're Too Afraid to Ask
Maybe you’ve never been taught how to use homemaking alchemy to transmogrify dirty clothes and linens into clean ones. Maybe you brute-forced every interaction with a washer and dryer, resulting in something that seems passable – but you’re pretty sure it’s wrong.
It is so easy to look into the process of doing laundry and immediately fall down a spiral of anecdotal information and razor’s edge-precise rules. There’s something ritualistic about engaging with laundry, some eldritch dread in looking at all the compartments of your average Laundry Device and wondering what the fuck you’re supposed to do with them.
I might be projecting at this point. Let’s break it down.
How Often Do I Wash The Things???
This is. Strange to look into. I’m pretty confident in my Laundry Wizardry, but as soon as I started looking into the arguments of how often people say you should wash certain linens and fabrics around the house, I was immediately overwhelmed.
Like, I trust Good Housekeeping. They’ve been around for over 100 years, so I think if they were an unreliable source of information someone would’ve caught it by now. But after looking at their posted guide breaking down laundry frequency depending on the article of fabric?
Fucking hell. God damn.
I believe them, okay? I believe there’s merit to their suggestions. But at the same time, I’m not about to wash my hand towels and wash clothes every goddamned day that’s insane.
I can try and translate it into something that’ll maybe be a little more comprehensible to people who either don’t have access to an in-unit washer and dryer, or are just a little frazzled in the head when it comes to executive function. Maybe you can see this and get some ideas on how to adjust things for your own lifestyle. I do my main wardrobe once or twice a week, and here’s how I work it out the special cases in my brain:
These are kind of gross pretty much immediately, so make sure you have enough to get you through a week: socks, underwear, smaller towels,
Things I aim to wash these like 1-2 a month: sheets, pillowcases, blankets, bath mats
These should also be cleaned, but there’s enough nuance that it requires special consideration: pillows, comforters, certain sweaters or jackets
In my house we stay real cozy and have a stockpile of massive blankets we’re wrapped in pretty much anytime we’re at home. If I only washed these blankets every three months, my wife would dissolve into dust like the climax of a Marvel movie.
Also, flat-out, I don’t wash my pillows. The steps to do that are unfathomable to me, even though I see the purpose. I’ve also read enough to grasp that it’s pretty easy to mangle a pillow by putting it in the wash. It sounds much more accessible to spot clean with a solution of mild dish-washing liquid, spritz them with a disinfectant spray (Lysol makes one, the off-brand ones are likely just as good), and maybe using baking soda to deodorize.
I’ll touch on that more on a separate, dedicated cleaning guide – which is where I’ll also talk about stains. I can’t get into that here without making this far too long and frightening.
It is Time to Do The Laundry Now. Hold My Hand. It's Okay, We're In This Together
Step One: Figure Out What You're Washing
Resist the temptation to overload your machine. If you’re using a laundry room or laundromat, it might seem like a good strategy to save a few bucks. Honestly, whether or not it's worth it in the long run is up to you. It'll increase the likelihood of certain materials getting damaged, as well as decrease how clean some things get. But if every load of laundry costs you like two bucks, sometimes you gotta' do what you gotta' do.
How do you know you’re overloading a washing machine? There are a few obvious signs, like if the door struggles to close, or if the washer is noticeably shaking and buzzing during the spin cycle. If you also notice your clothes are still dirty after washing, or speckled with soap residue, that usually indicates you're washing too much at once.
That’s why separating loads is so useful. You may have heard people mention separating their light and dark fabrics. The reasoning behind that is because darker fabrics bleed their dye at hotter temperatures, so if you wash darker clothes in cold water they keep their vibrancy for longer. With newer detergents and washing machines, though, this is much less of an issue.
Even when I was using far older machines – in my second apartment’s laundry room, for instance – I never prioritized this. I instead separate loads based on need and use. I try and reserve bedding and bath towels for their own loads, because they take up a lot of space. If I had more delicates I’d probably separate those into their own thing too.
If the laundry’s really piled up because my brain exploded, I will also go ahead and make a load or two of just underwear, bras, and a few core outfits I feel comfy and cute in. It’s not glamorous, but it works!
Step Two: Get Your Goos. It's Goo Time, Baby
The following is a breakdown of the basic goos and liquids you can use to make your clothes good. How you use them depends on whether or not your machine has a detergent compartment, which is usually seen as a small drawer in the front of certain machines that can be pulled out to load detergent, bleach, and fabric softener as needed.
If a machine doesn’t have them, you put all your Laundry Potions directly into the drum – that’s what they call the main tumble pit that washes and cleans your fabrics.
Stain Remover: If you're treating a fresh stain, the right time to do it is before you throw it in the wash. The heat of the dryer sets the stain, so you want to douse it in that Good Good as soon as you can. They sell dedicated stain removers (Shout and Oxyclean are pretty good). If you don't have those, using an old toothbrush to scrub the area with a small amount of dish soap before sponging it down with a little bit of white vinegar helps with a lot of basic stains. You might want to let treated clothes sit for fifteen minutes or so before you throw it in the wash. If using a spray stain remover, consult the instructions with more faith than me.
Detergent: Comes in powder, liquid/gel, and pods. How the fuck do you choose between these options, you might be asking? Depends on what you can afford and what you value. Powder is usually the cheapest, and often the most environmentally-friendly, but it can be slow to dissolve at lower temperatures. Liquid and gel detergents are the best for colored fabrics because it tends to be bleach-free. Certain cities also have refilleries, or zero-waste shops where you can often get bulk detergents and soaps. The pods are are also bleach-free, and usually multi-functional, but they tend to be the most expensive variety and leave plastic waste.
Bleach: Bleach comes in two main varieties: chlorine/oxygen-based, or non-chlorine/color-safe. In laundry, it's used to remove stains and brighten clothes. I'm putting special emphasis on these varieties because I have a longstanding, unreasonable fear of using bleach in laundry. Chlorine bleach will stain the fabric of colored clothes, so don't use it if you don't want that to happen. If your machine has a detergent compartment, it’ll have a separate place for liquid bleach. If it doesn’t, or if you’re using powdered bleach, you can put it directly into the drum. With liquid bleach, you’ll want to start the wash first and let the drum fill partway with water before adding the clothes. How much bleach you use will depend on the brand and size of the load, but it’ll usually be around ¼ cup.
Fabric softener: I'm gonna' level with you - fabric softener is weird. It’s generally considered to be useful on cotton and natural fibers (Excluding wool and down). It’s also acknowledged to be a product of an age where laundry strategy was a lot less efficient, so most will say it’s optional, if not entirely unnecessary. In fact, it’s been noted that excessive fabric softener use can cause mildew buildup in certain machines. If you’re wanting a better, fragrance-free alternative that’ll also help remove soap residue and leave your towels and fabrics softer, you can use white vinegar in place of fabric softener (Either in the softener tray on the detergent compartment, or about a ¼ cup in the drum). But you can also skip this. The Ghosts of House-Spouses Past won't look down on you in disdain. They'll probably be jealous your equipment is so much better than what they had access to.
Washing Machines Have a Lot Of Settings. What - Uh - What Do I Do About That?
Yeah, man. I know what you mean. There’s a designated “Normal” setting that I tend to stick to. Sometimes I'll do like Sanitize or Heavy Duty if shit's extra gross. We don't have a lot of really finicky fabrics in our house, and there are absolutely settings on my washer and dryer I straight up have never used and don't understand.
It helps to check the tags on whatever you want to wash. It'll say if you need to care for it in any weird way. It'll also say if it's okay to dry it, and the best heat setting to dry it if needed.
Step Three: Dry Time Baby
Fabric sheets exist and can help with static cling, as well as softening clothes and providing a nice scent if needed. A cheaper long-term alternative that’s actually more useful are dryer balls. Their default is unscented, but you can add a few essential oil drops if you want to. They do everything fabric sheets do, but they also bounce around your clothes, keeping them from getting tangled in each other and giving you a more even dry.
A dryer has a lint trap, usually on the front wall near the door opening. It’s smart to check and clean it before every load, but if it’s your own machine you can get away with doing it maybe once a week. The lint and pet fur or whatever gathers there, and if it gets too full it’ll dry less efficiently or even act as a fire hazard.
Load your clothes from the washer and dryer. Once again there’s a normal setting, but you can also adjust temperature or time if needed. I only really do that when I’m either putting something clean directly in the dryer to get rid of wrinkles, or drying clothes that are only slightly damp. In both of those cases, longer time with lower heat is very helpful.
Dry your clothes. You did it! Good job.
Oh wait shit what now.
Putting Away Your Clothes???
So the person who asked me to look into this also wanted some insight on how to fold clothes and put them away. This is a complicated issue for me.
I might get called out for this, but when it comes to the best way to put away your clothes, I strongly believe it is virtually whatever sustainable method that works for you to find clean clothes.
My wardrobe is literally into four baskets. The first is for what I dub “easy clothes”, so t-shirts, shorts, soft pants and the like. The second is for my button downs, sweaters, and slacks. The third is where I keep my dresses and jumpsuits – pretty much anything more prone to wrinkling. The fourth is my briefs, bras and socks. I am at a point in my life where I accept that I often do not have the brain space to hang or fold things a bunch of things consistently. I don’t really dress in anything prone to wrinkling, and anything that proves an issue I just toss it in the dryer for like ten minutes before I go out. I hear hanging it up in the bathroom while you take a shower also works to steam out the wrinkles, but I personally haven’t tried that.
I’m not even going to suggest different ways other people fold clothes. They exist. The “life hacks” are out there, but if you know in your heart of hearts that you will not be able to LARP as an Old Navy employee every time you put away clothes, these tips will not help you.
There is no wrong way to put away clothes if it keeps your clothes clean and accessible for you. If you’re freaked about wrinkles you can try rolling your clothes. Or buy a handheld steamer. You can get one from a big-box store for like less than twenty bucks and they’re great for bedding too.
Be free be clean my friends.
Do you have a request for an in-depth guide like this on something you think you should already know? Reach out to me through DM or ask box and let me know!n
#life skills for starting#life skills#i honestly don't know what to tag this as#does anyone have any ideas
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No don't make every basic life task nearly impossible to accomplish yuor so sexy aha
#am i going crazy or is everything way too hard all the time#it's so dumb it's like. i've been trying to do my laundry for 2 days washers full every day#i can't keep my apartment from smelling no matter how much room spray i buy because my neighbors smoke like.#i have to hassle people into completing the hiring process THEY initiated???? like????#look getting up the brainpower to accomplish anything through my whole. deal is difficult already but#i am struggling for basic hygeine here!!!!!! why!!!! !!!!!!#guess i'll go die in a ditch smelly and stinky then!!!!!!!!#clean underwear?? that is for people who are really on that grind (washing it in their bathtubs) i fucking guess!!!!!!!!!#okay mercymorn moment over but i'm on my period and i want to throw a massive fit!!!!#anyway#jesus
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Me: I need some time for myself I need some time to decompress after constant work and high stress and responsibility you guys dump on me with no time for me to think or be by myself to rest and focus on my hobbies since I can't get that from you guys ever during the week I'm taking a day I WOULD get paid and go to my actual for real paying job so I can just rest so I hopefully stop daydreaming about killing myself.
My family: OK BUT WHAT IF THIS LIL "EXTRA FREE TIME WAS MORE UNPAID LABOR FOR THE FAMILY HUH WHAT IF WE JUST TAKE THAT TIME N USE IT TO DUMP MORE WORK ON YOU AND THEN MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY FOR WANTING FIVE SECONDS WITH OUT A CHILD SCREAMING IN YOUR FACE OR A SOAPY DISH RAG N YOUR HAND WHAT IF WE DO WHAT THE LORD IS CALLED US AND DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE WITH OUR LIVES WE CANT GET IT DONE BY OURSELVES WE NEED YOU TO TAKE ON THE WORKLOAD OF THREE PEOPLE AND DO IT WITH A SERVANT'S HEART AND A SMILE ON YOUR FACE!
me: do I look forward to dying so I can get some actual rest?
#eh it's not just my family there's something wrong with me that just makes people dump everything on me friends old room mates coworkers#people just think i deserve all the labor i guess all day everyday nonstop housewife and surrogate mother#its good be something i do because it's a nonstop trend of me saying i want to go to bed and then four hours amd forty six minutes later I'#still cleaning#people just seem to assume I'm built for hard continuous labor because even as a child and i went to friends houses#they're mom n dad would make me weed the garden and clean their yard before i could play#so it is definitely something wrong with me because it keeps happening but fuck do these people live to take advantage of it#it is what it is but fuck if i knew id just be working id have gone into work and at least gotten to take naps on my fifteen minute break#and lunch break#i need to get a home by myself so that i can be at home and not have to spend four hours sorting laundry but can actually sleep on my days#off and maybe have time to actually try to teach myself how to knit or draw or read and actually read not listening to audiobooks you find#on YouTube while you clean and just not have to think#but have to constantly be on the clock i can take my face off and just breath#but i do not think i can get that living with people i think i need to live by myself or with my wife#extreme introvert never allowed a second alone but even in the toilet or in bed i have people bugging me nonstop constantly#JUST CONSTANTLY#i just want thirty minutes were NO ONE FUCKING TALKS TO ME OR LOOKS AT ME P L E A S E
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was hoping i’d feel better today but sadly i am just absolutely exhausted beyond belief and i didn’t even work last night so literally what is my excuse lmfao
#⟡ — kayleigh’s yapping#gonna hopefully nap for a bit asap and then hopefully get some laundry done at least 🥲🤞🏻#desperately wished that i lived alone so i could do laundry all night but alas i do not i live with an old man (my father)#and we live in a tiny shitty rotting trailer so our laundry closet is right next to his bedroom 💀#and we have a cheap af dryer that has an obnoxiously loud buzzer when it’s done#(that i cannot fucking figure out how to turn tf off bc apparently turning it off isn’t an option)#i NEED to do a bunch of laundry though - his clothes and also towels and also my sheets!!!!#i also want to clean up a bit around my room and get some pet chores done but (muffled screaming) my back hurts like a sonofabitch#and every time i lean forward or pick something up it twinges and also my shoulders and chest twinge too and it is just. Bad 🫠
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#i need a good reason to not kill myself because the world feels so fucking hostile right now and theres nowhere i can go to safety#my bank account is Seven Hundred And Thirty Dollars in the negatives. i have bills coming up this week. i have no hours at my job#i went to a job interview yesterday for fucking taco bell THATS how desperate i am. and im not even 100% sure if im gonna get it or not#and if i do get it my life will be miserable and i wont have time for anything else in my life im like actually terrified#i have so much Trauma from shitty unstable jobs for my whole adult life that it just feels painful to think about#i cant afford to live i cant afford to be homeless either#i should just die like genuinely im at the end of my rope i dont know how much longer i can keep doing this#im so stressed im so overwhelmed its so difficult to work on art because of this#my life is actively crumbing away beneath my feet the last thing i want to do is draw pictures#but i have to. i have no other choice i Have to#the world is better off without me in it OBVIOUSLY. like all i hear about constantly is how much trans people dont deserve to live#i shouldve considered this before i decided to be born the way i am#i never asked to be born into this. i wish i never was. i wish i wasnt alive right now#i dont want to live i dont want a life i dont want to keep on going if its just going to be like this all the time#i hate feeling this way because of MONEY. I HATE MONEY. MONEY ISNT REAL UNTIL IT IS REAL AND THEN ITS EXTREMELY REAL.#money is only real for poor people and thats what ive learned in my time on this earth#btw im not okay and nothing anyone can say to me will make me feel better because theres no fucking point in anything#i got denied for food stamps and welfare also btw lol like im doing everything i can to improve my life but everything sucks and is hard#and i dont have a safety net and im falling and falling and falling and im about to splat hard on the concrete#i have to do laundry and clean my room and make breakfast and work on art and all of that while knowing i cant pay my bills#i dont know why suddenly it feels impossible to do fucking anything. like theres no other choice but to suffer#it feels like the world is ending and Yes im having a catastrophic breakdown right now and i just need to shout into the void#i'll feel better after i eat but i need to get dressed first and i have no clean clothes so i have to do laundry#but i have to collect my clothes off of the floor and i have 0 energy bc i havent eaten and im stressed and fucked up#UUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH DIES#things could absolutely be worse right now but this is about as bad as they can be before that happens. lol
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sometimes it’s late at night and you’re cleaning your room and you come across a few old black and white photos of a young girl and you stare at them for a long minute wondering how on earth they got lost in an old Kroger shopping bag with an unopened pack of cigarettes and a receipt dated 2017.
and you look at the girl in the pictures sat on the floor of someone’s home you don’t recognize, smiling and playing with a set of keys and a tiny part of you feels like it recognizes her but you aren’t sure.
and you flip the pictures over hoping to find some sort of annotation that would give you context and all you find is the year 1964 stamped in tiny font along the edge.
and you flip them back over and time stands still as you realize that the recognition you feel is because she looks so much like you once did and next thing you know your hands are sweating and shaking and you have to sit on the floor because you’re crying so hard because it hits you all at once that you’re looking at your mother.
#hey Siri play In Color by Jamey Johnson for me please#music stuff#you should’ve seeeeen it in cooolllloor#Seven.txt#Seven’s Public Diary#normal Sunday night behavior#me? up all night hyperfocused on cleaning out my depression cave to achieve a sense of change and accomplishment -#- and ignoring every other aspect of my life including abandoning time sensitive tasks lest i get distracted and lose all motivation???#more likely than you think!#i’ve been at this since new years and i’m only like. halfway done. Gods help me#like i don’t mean ‘cleaning’ as in doing some light dusting. i mean there’s junk and trash piled 2/3rds of the way to the ceiling#when i call this room my depression/mental illness cave i Mean it#but no longer. i shall finally return this room to an acceptable state for the first time since. uh. 2022? i think?#i found a plastic container of dates buried under some laundry and the sticker says they’re from March of last year lmao#i forgot about those/thought i threw them away. but they were thankfully sealed so well that they hadn’t drawn any bugs#and oddly enough hadn’t even visibly molded/gone bad. but i didn’t open them up for a smell test i just chucked ‘em in my giant trash bag#i’m finding all kinds of shit i forgot i even had which is nice but it’s also distracting me like those pictures did#i’ll have to show them to her and ask her about them tomorrow#and ur probably like ‘u found old pics of a girl that looks like you why didn’t you immediately recognize ur own mom’#and 1. there’s countless pics of countless old relatives around this house that i barely/don’t recognize and never even met#and 2. i’ve barely ever seen any pics of my mom from such a young age so i have no images to reference in my mind#and it just fucked me up bc. i don’t look like her anymore. i only see Him in the mirror. but i Used to look like her. i’m turning into him#and i fucking hate it so much. i don’t like that she looks at me and sees him. great now i feel sick.#anyways thats enough reminiscing i need to get some water and food in me and get back to cleaning. i shan’t rest until i’m satisfied#well. my period + depression combo kinda Did make me rest which is why it’s taken 5 days but still. the horrors persist but so do i#it’s not just for the sense of accomplishment tho. i also need to move the 75gal tank out of the living room thanks to the floor situation#so i’m trying to make room in my room for it since it has the newest & strongest floor. i just need to find a level spot thats big enough#my back is gonna be so fucked after all this cleaning that i’ll have to rest for a fucking week before moving that heavy ass glass box#i hate moving big aquariums it makes me so anxious. and i literally don’t know if i’ll have anyone capable of helping me#so it might not even happen and it’ll just have to sit empty in the living room forever. but Maybe he can/will help me
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i can feel...... the mental illness...... clawing its way into the forefront of my mind........
#touched a Bad object saw another Bad object realized that nothing and noone is safe saw someone coigh into their hands and not wash them at#school today im going to die. i feel SICK this whole house is INFECTED and i cant fix it without everyone leaving forever i need to set all#my shit on fire and set everyone else's shit on fire and i need to destory my sister's shoes they make me want to die seeing them makes me#feel fucking crazyyyy i hate them so much theyre evil she has so many shoes but she wears the Bad ones all the time i think i actually will#find a way to get rid of them and ough i need to vacuum but yhe vacuum is dirty bc it was last used in a Bad room and i need to clean the#bathroom but i feel like im gonna tear my skin off and i need everyone out of the house so i can fix everything but i never get the house#empty and the garage the fucking garage i fucking hate the garage i had to do laundry today and the washer n dryer are in the#garage and the garage is so Bad and dirty so im bad and dirty and i need to take a shower but even when i get out of the shower i can never#be clean because this whole house is fucking infected but u can never get it empty the properly clean it we have too many cats too many ppl#too much stuff i need to burn this place to the ground i need to BLOW IT UP WITH MY MIND#vent#to delete later
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i have So Fucking Much to do today
#i have to do my genetics worksheet packet#i have to outline the first part of my informative speech#i have to go to the grocery store and cook dinner#and maybe go to my brother’s house to hide my Paraphernalia#i have to clean my entire house#i have to tidy my room that hasn’t been tidied for weeks#i have to reorganize my bathroom so i can clean it. and then clean it#i have to do my laundry and get it all put away#and tbh i need to wash my bedding too!#fuck i genuinely don’t know how i’m gonna get everything done#okay let’s break it down. i can get my genetics done before biochem lecture starts in an hour#maybe i’ll even have time to start my speech but i won’t count on it#then after lecture i’ll figure out what i’m making for dinner and go drop shit off at blake’s before i hit the grocery store#then i’ll either work on my speech or start cleaning/tidying
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#yet again i fail to convince my counselor i have executive function problems. mostly its bc i dont think well in the moment but also i just#feel kinda weird rn so i was having trouble making my thoughts connect. but i swear to christ i do have problems making my executives#function. i think the issue is im a grad student so i do well in school. not that it matters bc i kno loads of grad students with pretty#god awful adhd. one of my former lab mates was like. Adderall barely made her normal. and yet she was still a phd student#so like. its possible to have executive function issues as a grad student. the problem with me is the obsessive thoughts and self#destructive behavior so to her it sounds like im telling myself that i cant get my brain to work unless i put myself under extreme pressure#rather than i cant get my brain to work so to cope im putting myself under extreme pressure bc if i dont nothing gets done#but like fucking if i try to relax i dont do things. i cant clean my kitchen or my room or take out the trash or do my laundry#and im not like not doing it bc i dont wanna. these things r causing me active distress but i cant flip the switch that makes them happen#ive gotta write a grant proposal. read a paper. and find a paper to discuss by tomorrow morning. i had time to do all of this before but i#didnt do it. y didnt i do it? fucking i dont kno. ugh. whatever. i got refered to a psychiatrist so well see what happens there#i did accidentally set the meeting to when i meet with my advisor tho. oops. also my counselor said it sounds like im a rat running on a#wheel. which is accurate but also a really fucking funny thing to have said abt u. ur r a scrawny neglected lil rat. boohoo.#idk what type of medication she thinks i should b on. like what symptom r we trying to exhaust? the 0cd or the mood issues?#i dont even kno what the issue is. not that i guess it matters. idk. i need to read and write. fucking hell#unrelated
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hey girl is the room flooding or are you just happy to see me
#the room was flooding#btw#i have to say stepping out of my bed and into ice-cold water barefoot woke me up VERY quickly#it was only a little water tho so it's ok. less than an inch. AND it was clean#like this is not FLOODWATER floodwater. my stuff is soggy but not ruined. it could be so so so much worse#i also think the maintenance people were rather perplexed by my good mood? like#1. this is so far from the worst case flooding scenario it isn't even funny#and 2. girl my daily struggle is waking the fuck up. the fact that my room is flooded means that i can now be awake to study for my midterm#this is honestly an improvement over my normal daily stress level#cus see. ultimately. this is other peoples' problem. i'm not responsible for this one. i just happen to live here#the joy of dorm life i suppose#always very interesting to be standing on my soggy doormat in my buc-ee's pjs watching someone's job security flash before their eyes#at least one other suite was flooded this morning AND they mentioned that this isn't the first time this has happened. so. erm#maybe that's not a good thing. maybe some of my tuition should go towards... preventative maintenance? perhaps?#you know. as a treat. it's not really that important or anything.#not like there's a threat of. oh idk. burst pipes? flood damage?#all hypotheticals of course. that would never happen in real life#anyway...#this means i sure won't be procrastinating doing my laundry any longer!
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im done now im ready 2 go home ^_^
#nee is sick today and the new girl hath ghosted us -_- so were doif the umm. only clean assisted living and just take laundry and trash#from everyone else....#aughh im so. why does this always happen. i truly honest to god dont understand what abt housekeeping makes ppl work there for 2 days and#then ghost. what a shitty thinhg 2 do ...#ik i ghosted a job but rhat was cracker barrel and i was 16 LOL. this woman was like 20s-30s#why would you take a housekeeping job if youre gonna grt scared when you have 2 clean...#i think today wouldve been her first day on her own and i get thats like. nerve-wracking i ws rly nervous my first day alone and she came#at a Kind of really hectic time LOL. but like ughhh. n this happens rly often with housekeeping jobs specifically#like do u think u just go in and like. sweep. and dust. and then twirl around and the room is sparkljn#its so annoying. if it is too much for yo8u and you didnt realize youd have yo Clean in a Housekeeping position at the very fucking least#call. b4 day of. and just be like Hey im sorry i dont think this is the right job for me..#in my opinion you should at least wait like 2 weeks. unless its like. genuinrly an impossible job 4 you...
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i came back to the dorm and one of the turtles is straight up missing (...she's probably dead is my guess but i didn't wanna hit my roommate with that question during class yk) and the tank (which still contains a live turtle) is full of fucking BUBBLING algae my roommate's stuff was On My Bed the floor is. gross and roomie's cat's (pretty limited amount of) toys are nowhere to be seen (meaning he's attacking me and i have nothing to redirect him with) one of my baskets has been shredded and ??? one of my skirts (which was presumably hung up before i left) was found on the floor of my closet fucking dried stiff and stained both yellow AND glittery????? everything smells awful in a familiar way i can't quite identify and the floors are sticky in a bunch of places. what the FUCK is going on
#i don't have like a mop or anything! what am i gonna do sponge the floors down??#she said she doesn't remember if the closet was opened or closed but like. nothing i had in there could have done that to the skirt#(...probably? the only liquid i had in there was fucking. laundry detergent)#(and there's no evidence of that spilling or leaking)#im trying to figure out how reasonable it'd be to like. confront my roommate about this#she's got a lot going on and i am Not the kind of person who's gonna give her shit for some mess#but it was actually ridiculous this time#she was staying in the dorm over winter break and i wasn't. for context#side note but rascal has Another new bed? he doesn't even care about beds very much WHERE ARE HIS TOYS. HELP ME? PLEASE?#im so tired pls it's the FIRST DAY BACK#god im not smart enough for this. i asked her and she said she doesn't pay attention to whether or not my closet door#is closed and like fair ig but smth about it is off to me bc like How Else Would It Have Gotten Like That#im confident it was closed when i came in and it was almost certainly closed when i left like 5 weeks ago#but im. really not good at assessing whether or not ppl are lying to me. like idk maybe it was some kind of mysterious leak#or i hung it up to dry and it fell and dried weird (idr if it was wet or not when i left)#my own distrust of her for how she treats her animals AND my sympathy for struggling with caring for animals#in the midst of burnout/a very demanding life are at odds and both are biasing me in opposite directions#well anyway i can't unpack a lot of my stuff bc im just. confounded by it#i'll clean the floor over there later i just can't right now im too out of it#also rascal has been very sweet too he's just Extremely pent up over the whole 'small room with Literally Nothing to do all day' life he has#truthfully he smells/his fur feels kinda weird too but it might just be bc ive been gone for a bit#bc i feel like i remember that from last time too#i could forgive a lot of these things individually but all of them at once? man.#another entry in 'is she depressed or just not very considerate?'#(<- she's never mentioned anything approaching depression/etc i just can't imagine.. not being depressed)#but the turtle thing is the worst bc like. how do i even bring that up. i don't wanna reopen that wound yk#and while there's a bit of 'see i told you' going on she probably feels bad enough already right. maybe#but she also doesn't know Shit about how to care for turtles and ignored my warnings. that turtle was sick for months#and vets are expensive but she'll spend money on these high end shoes as they drop and then act too broke to get a $10 heat bulb. whatever#idk. i should've pushed her harder. it hasn't really sunken in yet but it's my fault too. guh
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Working on my new routine for the semester. Since nail care is something I've grown to care about in the time since I previously kept up with playing violin, I need to be pretty consistent with it. I can't have Any amount long nails on my left hand if I want to be able to keep my finger positioning good. It's best when the fingertip is straight down. You just can't have that with long nails.
When I was younger, I kept up with that demand by biting my nails. It was a bad, bad habit that lasted for a good long while. I think it was definitely encouraged bc of the need for short nails with violin, but the true cause of it was imperfections on my nails. I found a few years back that if I keep my nails filed smoothly, then I won't be tempted to bite them, no matter what length they are.
Which brings us to now. How to not fall back on my old habit of nail biting, but make sure my nails don't get too long for violin? And the answer... is to file them every weekend.
See, I've thought up a system. I also want to keep painting my nails, bc I rly love having painted nails, and So. On Friday or Saturday, after I'm done with classes for the week, I remove the week's polish and then file the nails short again. Then on Sunday (or, in the case of this weekend, Monday)(whatever the last day is before I go back to classes), I go and paint my nails again. I want to have at least a day between filing and painting to make sure that my nails settle fine and that there aren't any extra little imperfections I need to get at. Will hopefully also reduce the chances of me picking at the sides of my fingers (have not been able to get rid of this part of the habit) for any imperfections from the polish on recently filed nails.
I'm working on the filing right now. I'm finding that it's going faster than last week, at least. Which is good news!!! I probably had more than a week's worth of nail to file last week, so it took longer. But it's not as bad with only a week's worth. I could always trim them too, and that's what I'd usually do, but they really don't grow all that much in just a week's time. Can barely even get the clippers under the nails. I just need to file them back again. Make sure they don't get the chance to actually grow out.
#speculation nation#it's such a pain to do this so often but this is the best way to balance the different conflicting needs.#the need to keep my nails short vs the need to keep my nails Smooth. and the bonus desire of painted nails.#it's not even just for aesthetic. though theres certainly that too. but i just plain like the feel of painted nails more.#nice and smooth... i love to run my fingers along the polish... it just makes me happy.#last weekend i painted my nails black with silver magnetic sparkles. im thinking of going magnetic again this weekend#but with darker sparkles maybe. smth more muted. an almost-black experience.#though the me of tomorrow will decide officially. i might change my mind.#dont rly see myself going with anything bright though. like my color changing ones. i havent really been in a Bright sort of mood.#i think im grumpy from how cold it's been and being stuck riding the busses.#it's better for me this way for now bc i dont want to rip my lungs up with the fuckin Negative degree fahrenheit weather#but im grumpy about it. i just want it to get up to consistent 20s and 30s so i can bike without it actively hurting.#i wanna be able to get around campus more easily!!!! and then maybe i'll feel more confident in using the practice rooms on campus#or going to the bowling practice times. man i really wanna go to the bowling practice times.#oh right i havent actually done the violin thing yet. i did get the bridge and mutes in tho.#gonna try to work on that tomorrow. crossing fingers i can get it fine on my own !!#worst case scenario uhhhhh if i fuck up the bridge i could use a different violin and bring my main one to a luthier for them to install one#got it sounds pretentious as hell for me to say that yea sure ill just bring in a different violin. bc i own multiple.#but i mean i do. though i probably wouldnt bring my electric violin in. so itd have to be my antique violin.#and i dont prefer to bring that one places. it's oldddddd and while it does still play fine i dont wanna risk damaging it.#but if i did fuck up my main violin. then well. shit happens.#gonna try to not stay up too late tonight so i can work on the things tomorrow. got a lot i need to do still.#cleaning!! and laundry!!! and practicing!!! and quizzes!!!! and also painting my nails lol#maybe i can try to do a lil cleaning today still. ugh. i dont want to.
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can i just say tho. the washing machine broke on friday (altho i didnt talk to my guardian until sunday tbh cus i froze up a lil from the stress) anyways guardian went to the store for me on monday, i would gladly have gone too but i dont think he felt it was neccessary, and ordered a new one of the exact same type (which is nice,its a good machine and it didnt break from techincal fault) and i was told theyd "call me later this week" but its friday already and its 1 pm and they still havent called and im running out of clothes and its stressing me out
like i still have enough clothes and underwear for the weekend ig, but im really hoping itll be there like. tuesday latest. after that i have to call grandma and ask to borrow her machine.
#like as dumb as it sounds if one thing i need to clean stuff with is missing i feel like i cant clean anything else at all#cant tidy my room without mops. cant do dishes without a clean towel to put them on so they dry faster. idfk.#there are obvious workarounds but my brain is constantly working overtime pre-planning how to do things im nowhere near getting started on#ngl i feel like every day is dedicated to cleaning and not much else. despite not cleaning every day for various reasons.#idk i mean. i wish i was better at cleaning but at the same time. i have so much shit to clean. where the fuck do i even start.#its been like 4 months and i still dont have the apartment to a decent standard and its kind of awful to deal w ngl#like i would love to get started but things always get in the way. sometimes im missing cleaning tools or soaps and i need to wait#until i get oney to buy them. other times i just dont have the time or motivation and cant find it anywhere. or suddenly i have work or the#theres a holiday or something breaks or i do a lot of stuff but then i stop cus im tired and i dont start again. fuck dude idk its always#something. and i know i should just be taking it step by step but i want it fixed NOW. i want it all done at once.#anyways. once i get the machine and i get money i can buy stuff i need and hopefully get atleast started. dedicate a day to laundry#and dishes and trying to deal w as much of the mess as physically possible. and get some takeout instead of cooking tbh.#like i NEED this shit cleaned before february im getting a couch in feb and if i cant put it anywhere like. thatd kinda suck ass#but also like everythings just gonna stay messy if i dont clean either and that sucks too. im so tired of it.#talkies
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ohhhh im going to kill someone.
#agreed to go 2 mass w/ my ma because it's my last free day b4 the sem starts & we were gonna like#get lunch & go to our favorite antique stores & stuff. apparently she invited one of her friends (my fucking design professor who i LIKE im#GLAD she had friends that she's hanging out with but she's REALLY FUCKING ANNOYING to be around 30 hours a week#so it's not like. an us thing. which is fine great whatever. who fucking give a shit. we do stuff together all the time#guess i am just going to spend today silently on my phone listening to them YAP. man i could#fucking be at home doing my laundry. i haven't cleaned my room for a couple days and it's making#me miserable and im fucking. doing this instead of cleaning it even though ik im not going to have time or spoons after tomorrow.#man. whatever.#txt#neg
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