#i have no sense of time or space anymore
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travel log update: my luggage has been lost, my hotel reservation didn't go through, I've been adopted by a pilot, I'm sleeping in with a Greek family who im pretty sure wants to set me up with one of their kids. it's 1am and I'm thinking of aether for comfort. greece is going great!
heya everyone, this is a mini-hiatus notice! ฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ from may 13th to june 6th i'll be going on a really long trip through the aegean sea; i'll be visiting greece, bulgaria and turkey (anddd if i'm lucky, maybe albania too). it'll be a half pleasure/half business trip, so i'll be super focused on enjoying it thoroughly ~ because of that, i'll be available mostly on discord, so if anyone wants to add me there to gush about our characters' dynamic, plot something or just chat in general, hmu so i can add you there and we can talk whenever i have time ~
#❛ㅤ𓆩✦𓆪ㅤ:ㅤooc﹔ㅤㅤ/ㅤㅤchaos and aether simpery.#tbd.#maybe?#anyways its been a ride.#i have no sense of time or space anymore#ive been flying like crazy aksjsjfkg#also thank u for ur well wishes and safe trips !!#IM GONNA BE DAIJOBU#ill be sending in inbox things on the upcoming days so pls feed me with ur pretty writings
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i don't really want to bc like. there's many reasons for me to stay but. i don't think this tumblr life is for me anymore
#obvs im gonna keep this blog like i'm not. gonna go away. i can't lol!#i need to have a space to post when i do have stuff to post ... with gachiakuta otw ofc !!!#but i think it's time .... i admit to myself i cant do this the way i did anymore#not even back in like. 2021 but even just. last year. im not someone who can sustain interaction no matter how much i want to#there's just too much on my mind and im too anxious and way too insecure and with the election i have students to take care of#my family to prioritize and i have to move house and get my credentials and my degree so i can get a job.#it's just too much really to be worrying about what i can do here .. ive been in denial for so lng#not that that changes anything for anyone here or anyone reading this. i'm not disappearing and im still gonna be reading.#but i need to officially relieve myself of duty... iN MY MIND. if that makes any sense.#im sure i'll write again one day. my writing has come so far and ive finally noticed. and im so grateful to have tried so hard#i never let myself down once. thats for certain. i did what i could when i could#but i can't anymore and that has to be okay bc its whats happening.#anyway nothing's changing dw there's just been a shift in my psyche thats all#and i might post less and reblob more .. but that's all!#still love u ofc <3#caitie blabs
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#reframing how you view your coping mechanisms is a big part of healing i think#like it’s so easy to beat yourself up over something#that was literally just your body and brains way of trying to protect you at the time#and while it may not be conducive#and is something you need to work on#bc it doesn’t serve you anymore#you did the best you could with the tools you had and that’s valid#like for me isolation is my main coping mechanism#and although it is super harmful to my mental well-being and something im trying v hard not to do#it was my brain trying to protect me from experiencing trauma again#and we can’t fault her for that#and beating yourself up over that is just another vice that doesn’t serve you either#idk if this makes sense butttt yeah#also just now realizing that i did not post anything last month for sa awareness#completely spaced it out n things have been hectic but#pls give yourself grace as you navigate life after trauma#you deserve that space#and im always here if anybody needs anything#i love you dearly
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Welcome to tumblr 2024, where we've moved past elaborate character analyses and indulgent readings into queer subtext to… ignoring subtext entirely and shipping a lesbian icon with a gay cowboy.
#the current trend of characters with copious amounts of queer subtext in heteronormative ships bother me#and just to clarify real life queerness is complex and fluid and weird and whatever people want it to be and does not have to make sense#terfs radfems and exclustionists fuck off#however this is about online fandoms#i'm just questioning the appeal of shipping an implied lesbian woman and an implied gay man together#does subtext still matter?#I remember when fandoms were hostile to shows like adventure time or su or korra or she ra using queer subtext#for not being blatant rep#despite the media landscape at the time was not accepting of blatant queerness#and still isn't in other parts of the world (*cough* China *cough*)#does queer subtext matter anymore???#maybe times have changed and a cute het couple is simply more appealing than wlw or mlm ships now :/#times like these make me miss the h!e and lwa fandoms#heck i even miss the toh fandom and that had its own issues#fandom culture#fandom spaces#fandom discourse#queer subtext#ship discourse#terfs dni#radfems dni#exclusionists dni#also yes this post is about robin and bootyhill
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I'm pretty sure my experiences haven't changed from when I last asserted my identity labels but my view kinda has I guess
#in the sense of. who cares about an orientation label if nothing ever really comes from it yknow.#it's fruitful yearning towards individuals my brain latches onto. that's the extent of it#there's no reciprocated dynamic that allows it to ever get to grow into sexuality#so like yeah I'm demi but 99.9% of the time sexuality just doesn't play into anything at all#and when it does it's brief blips that also don't go anywhere#and I have a pretty good idea of the pool of people I'm theoretically attracted to#but that also just. doesn't matter much once my brain latches onto someone and runs its tiring one sided course#and my gender is still accurate technically but I also have Nothing to say or think about it. it's all whatever#basically all the labels are still accurate it just means very little to me anymore.#it's weird cause it used to be an identity point right. of like hi! I'm [gender] [sexuality] and it's rooted in how you see yourself#and now if I think about how I would introduce myself. well. I wouldn't know but those elements aren't really on the radar to be honest#it comes into play so rarely that like. literally who cares#it's just wild cause people my age who I used to share online spaces with are still strongly debating over what it means to be x or y#and it just. doesn't matter to me anymore. I'm Anders and I like people out of my league generally speaking. hi etc#anyway musing rambling. it's okay if you feel different also#I guess those posts about how definitions matter less when you're older and more in irl spaces were right#bien rambles
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i was genuinely planning to watch more of ratastrophe tonight but i started it, got to "[you whispered to unidingo: please don't die out there yet] I think their hunt is more successful if i'm not there" and my phone case literally fell apart in my hands. so.
#whisp whispers#i do have so many thoughts about that. the transition from 'i want you alive for the lilies' to 'don't die yet' is so. hm#i could disect the way fishie acts about her allies i think it's so.... this is the first time really she seems to accept they will die#kikis season one death was obviously devastating. space's should've been expected tbh but it also sucked. and then moch... i mean.#moch dies and fishie suddenly gains a very strong sense of her own mortality. it's not from being on red. she was on red and said it felt#better. and then moch died. and she ran.#i honestly don't remember much of fishie s2 because i watched it all in like a day maybe two and haven't rewatched any of it since. but#again she seems so. convinced she and dingo will live. she is so unbothered when dingo dies and is more shocked than anything by the tunes#and season three. look how well the lilies are doing. and then dingo dies. and then moch dies. and then moch dies again. and suddenly death#is real to her. it's an inevitable. it's not something they can ignore anymore death will happen to them and it hits fishie the hardest#please let me revive you. please. please. the words of someone who did not get to process death before it happened. and then it's 'yet'.#it's not 'don't die' it's 'don't die yet'. death is something that will happen now. and if fishie wins then. god. i think that would kill#her. if she's standing out there alone. death is a very real thing now isn't it.#im hoping for a fishie win it does seem like fishie won. but i still don't know actually#they should let oku win for funzies#these tags could be their own post but i'm not rewriting them so. meh#edit hi i totally forgot about the 'without me there' bit. beastlife fishie not blame herself for death challenge (impossible)#i think the way she blames herself actually ties directly back to the whole refusing to acknowledge mortality thing. she's so surprised when#people die as if she's not in the death games. should somebody tell her she's in death games
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2023 reads // twitter thread
The Society For Soulless Girls
YA sapphic retelling of Jekyll & Hyde set in 90s Northumberland
set in a haunted old convent-turned-university with a history of deaths tied to the north tower
mystery, dark magic, female rage, an immortal cat
#The Society For Soulless Girls#aroaessidhe 2023 reads#i enjoyed this mostly?#(did not realise it was set in the 90s until after lol…)#(though some fashion choices make sense now)#good spooky vibes#there’s a lot of pov overlap which is a little odd and feels unnecessary a lot of the time#what’s up with the immortal cat. was it just being possessed?#one MC is maybe ace? it never clarifies whether she must be demi or is not actually ace anymore?#would have been nice to have a mention in the epilogue even or something#i do respect the mention of the asexuality spectrum despite it being in the 90s tho i guess#i feel like. the whole thing being about female anger could have had some intersectionality - it felt. a little white feminism adjacent?#i guess it was addressing it all from an internal space rather than societal perception stuff but idk. there could have been more complexity#there.
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I’ve come the realization that I’ve been super active on tumblr bc my sister isn’t on here and I feel like I can be a bit more expressive.
#I’ve been a twitter girl for the last year or two but I guess times are changing#think have been *guestures vaguely* happening and she’s kinda been somehow#so tumblr is my safe space#even if I feel like I’m being watched a bit (waves to person who thinks it’s them)#idk how I feel anymore#I would like to cocoon in my blanket and emerge when it all makes sense#idk what to say or do#it’s all so weird
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it's times like these i wish i could actually draw well bc i have MULTIPLE characters who would fit the barbie mugshot meme so well... ivara and min, cal and idgie, alice and benji...
#ivara and min esp bc they are Literally criminals. they did murder and space treason and are in space prison for it currently#(so's cal but she never got caught for her shit lmfaooo)#atom river TECHNICALLY didnt do anything but they did summon a demon and cheat at the battle of the bands. hashtag problematic faves#levi.txt#for reference: ivara (killswitch) is trying to pretend shes still a Good Soldier and is terrified shes lost her sense of self#min on the other hand hides in the ship vents for fun and tries to convince other convicts they can hear god. also really likes fireworks#like. she REALLY likes fireworks. as in shes not allowed to Have fireworks anymore legally#idgie (dnd side character) is a goody two shoes who helps her uncle out running the local temple#cal is a con artist by trade whos been poor her entire life. has run from guards more times than she can count + has A Nemesis in the guar#benji (atom river) might be in a punk band but hes such a normal dude. hes just a regular man hes just a nice guy he doesnt want this#alice is the reason its a punk band in the first place. thinks hair dye and doing her own piercings counts as therapy. drummer#alice is the reason atom river summoned a fucking demon together and benji is the ONLY reason they survived it#i know nobody cares abt them but me <3 idc tho theyre my sillies
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revival vs. reincarnation. is basically the crux of zoya in her loz verse considering all the games surround the reincarnation of the main cast of characters. what sets zoya apart of from this despite her being present across most timelines is that she does revives rather reincarnates. her slumbers that last anywhere from a few years to a few hundred are as close to true death as she gets. i think it's important to note that while revival and reincarnation serve the same function the conclusion is reached by entirely different means. reincarnation implies a change, perhaps a shift in one form to the next or a slate wiped clean. zoya never gets the benefit of beginning again. when she reawakens, no matter the state hyrule is in upon her coming to, she is still fundamentally the same person she was before. her memory takes a few days to return to her but she like the land always remembers.
this is so profound considering she is a presence in that realm due to causes completely unrelated to the powers that be. she is at once an intruder and also a monument no matter the era. she carries so much history of a world that technically does not belong to her, she has become a myth woven into the fabric of it by sheer presence alone. and she remembers; her gift will always be remembrance but it also what haunts her and sets her apart because no one is more keenly aware of the transience of this world than she. it all will end and it all will begin and again she will be there exactly as she was before having to remake herself in a way beyond death. in a way she has to kill her past to make way for whatever the future holds or else give in to the grief of mourning a past no one else remembers. in a way this is very much also a part of her curse the sleep and then the endless act of remaking herself over and over again.
#she is kinda all across the board emotionally depending on what phase you catch her in which is why i stand by the fact that she can easily/#be friend or foe#she just doesn't have space to grieve anymore but she cannot stop the unending flood of loss each time#𝖝𝖎𝖛. *ੈ ˖ ° ⥽ dragon of many ways / witch of endless faces; she is the waking nightmare‚ no lullaby to soothe her ⥼ ⅋. v — loz#does this make any sense or am i simply word vomiting let a girl know please
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Rewatching T//HH gameplay is so funny. I do not remember my man being THAT good with insults
#it makes sense for him to have such a big vocabulary but yeah.#I should read again. I have trouble articulating on the spot because of a few personal reasons.#I’m fine online when I can take the time to structure my sentences correctly.#But since my mental health got really bad I can’t read anymore because I just get brain space for intrusive thoughts#— reading for fun that is.
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def made a post bout this before but Heaven Knows Im Not Hunting For It anyway how public. yall think sawashiro was once aoki became governor right.... like do we know what im asking rn.......
#snap chats#of course ill elaborate in the tags#god hang on. chest pain. YEAH NO I FOUND OUT THE FOOD I HAD EARLIER HAD LENTILS IN IT#AND IM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO LENTILS SO THATS WHY IVE BEEN DYING#anyway no Elaboration Time#cause im ASSUMING the public didnt know about aokis connections to the yakuza.....#and im sure they'd recognize an Omi Alliance Pin the second they saw it..... so like...#i dont think he's REGULARLY walkin round with dude in tow.....#still laughing at sawashiro tagging along to the hospital like Bro Why Are You Here..... Who Invited You.....#jo the fuck're you doing when you aren't shoved into the closet in aoki's office like what do you DO dawg#feels like he kinda does just float in space... i mean he was there for the whole Dinner Debacle#so its not like Divorce happened and he's not rockin with arakawa anymore#i guess it's not impossible to imagine bro does work with arakawa he just. sometimes bounces over to aoki's office#yeah that makes sense Fair Nuff#'snap why are you asking this' well FOR YOUR INFORMATION ive ALWAYS wondered but also it's relevant to a comic i might make#it's nothing major if sawashiro Is a weird little secret it just means i have to mod my comic idea a bit#but honestly maybe not much.... naw i already have a vision for it OK Im Set For Later Then. Still Wanna Know Tho.#oh yeah. ive given up writing tonight LMAO#I TOLD YALL NEVER TRUST ME WHEN I SAY SOMETHING I ALMOST DONE#writing just feels so stale to me i feel like whatever im writing isnt actually interesting#oh well. still gonna push through with it im just tired rn LMAO#and since streaming's gonna start sooner i really should sleep sooner..
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No bc Jon makes me SO SAD like idk man the fact that it isn’t even just someone who looks like his dad but technically WAS his dad that did all that to him like imagine him having a nightmare or smth and Clark goes to help him out cause obviously and Jon gets MORE scared bc the person he’s looking at isn’t his dad who’d die before hurting him, but his captor of YEARS back in his room
#hc time 😋#not structured they never are but#besides the claustrophobia I think Jon would have an intense fear of the dark and heat in general#like imo it’d be less than the claustrophobia but it’s pretty high up there#he CANNOT eat pork anymore the smell of it makes him sick to his stomach and could cause him to spiral#he doesn’t have the traditional panic attacks or dissociation dazes since he needed to be aware in case there was a chance to escape#not projecting at all 🤞🏾😍 but he dissociates in the sense that he isolates his emotions#he can still be productive and if it’s a good day he can fake them but he feels hollowed out internally and sometimes it scares him bc it-#-still applied towards the ppl he cares about: he knows he loves his family but in that state smth EXTREME could happen to them and he’d#only feel mildly upset and even irritated instead of the worry he usually would#He’s touch starved but also very averse to physical touch and sometimes he himself doesn’t know which is stronger at the moment#so he’ll ask Kon for a hug and immediately flinch away or avoid everyone but bump into Lois and melt#used to be a fucking chatterbox and still kinda is but genuinely forgets that other ppl are around sometimes#like he’ll say something out loud to himself and he surprised when ppl react#his sleeping schedule is FUCKED kryptonians usually wake with the sun but since his access was cut off he’s kinda getting used to it again#was very sensitive to the sun for awhile bc after his powers were cut off for so long all of it rushing back in overwhelmed him#the audio sensory overload especially fucked him over and he has a blue kryptonite in his room just in case#he hates not having his powers but it became his basic comfortable state so it’s kind of like a detox thing#like he has to let himself get used to it in short increments#Fuck canon he did not immediately jump back into hero work#he TRIED but he crashed hard and that’s when his healing process started#he WANTS to talk about it but the words literally just don’t come out he does extremely well with the ‘ask and respond’ method#absolutely told Clark it wasn’t that bad so he wouldn’t feel guilt. didn’t work.#cannot be around Clark sometimes he hates it so much bc he LOVES his dad but Clark is so understanding Abt it and tbh it makes it feel worse#he does not fuck around with other universes or even space for a loooong time#big step in his progress was sitting on the moon with Kon#that’s kinda it whatver 😍#Jon Kent
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AND THEN
#OF COURSE AS IF I COULD FORGET. the different translations and the times of trouble. of course#and esv saying there shall be a time of trouble and nasb saying there will be a time of distress#BUT THEN. ceb saying it will be a time of distress#and this is where i become paranoid about my professor being on destiel gay sex tumblr and seeing this BUT WHO CARE !!#anyways the interesting difference in presentation in terms of establishing the times as difficult#like esv and nasb make it seem like it will come about but ceb makes it sound already established in a sense#ALSO ALSO ALSO something i didn't explore as it wasn't quite as relevant BUT the book mentioned in daniel 12:1#and how i KNOW it's referencing a specific book (the book of life i think) but how it says everyone who is Found written in the book#(or scroll depending on translation)#and to ME the ''found'' is so so interesting#like. everyone who is found written in the book#where else is this book mentioned!!! i don't care about the desolation of the abomination anymore i want to study the various biblical#passages that mention and explore this book#and NO it's tooootally not because i love the paradox of choice versus the omniscience and omnipotence of God ...... totally....#if he already knows who will be saved and shit and set everything into motion then HOW can it be a choice???#and of course the difference of size in infinities#if there is the perfect amount of space for the people who choose to believe then if one more person believed there wouldn't be enough#space except for of course the fact that god would know and there would be space#if you have a motel with infinite rooms but you also have infinite peoplethen all the rooms will be full EXCEPT#they can't all be full because they're infinite except of course you have infinite people so they are all full#but that doesn't matter anyway because the motel doesn't have a pool so we weren't going to stay there anyways#we'll go to the inn and suites across the road#timothy's txts.#WHO KNOWS WHAT I'M SAYING. NOT ME. i just say shit for funsies#tw caps#tw swearing
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absolutely hilarious that the only characters i am dead set on surviving stp are Laris, Seven, Raffi, Shaw and Vadic.
How did they manage to make me feel this way??? how?? How is Shaw on my list of survivors here????? How are some others Not???
#that picard one#it's legit funny#but also tear hair out levels#my new take is vadic has rights#and no further abuses of power and/or ignoring of the space geneva convention should happen#okay Sure she's... Like That but honestly. Good job showing why. It makes sense.#Shaw is entertaining and his main flaw is he's a solid gold shitbag#i'd prefer he Grew than get offed stupidly#and the other ladies have done nothing wrong ever in their lives#(if they kill tuvok they Die but he's not actually been In it yet so???)#picard spoilers#ALSO DEANNA but i don't rank her as having been in it Either wow#couldn't use her for her uterus anymore so she doesn't get screen time live bev#goddamn this is a cesspit of a season
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in my quest to correctly explain in my lab report that the stuff we made smelled exactly like almond jello, which is apparently an english misnomer, to me, i have given up.
#the professor's wife is from china he can just ask her if what i've written is true#bc this lab was so short i now have like two hours before i have to submit it so that means i can fuck with the font A Lot#as you can see i have inserted a bunch of hyphens so that the words aren't all spaced strangely#but i will probably make the hyphen breaks happen at ugly places in the word#the worm speaks#and then i'll probably go around changing random font letters#i even have nmr data this time around so like. he better be fucking grateful#the reason i worded the final sentence as 'differences in the subjective human experience' is bc like#i didn't want to go on a tangent in the paper where i explain that the chemical probably didn't remind me of pears#bc the literature is usually written by europeans who have their nasty little soft pears#which smell different from those crispy yellow asian pears#and that almond jello does not actually smell like almonds but in fact rather fruity. bc it is not made out of almonds.#if anything i can also just be like 'well. my sense of smell just hasn't been the same since i had the plague a few years ago.'#(not really true anymore since everything smells n tastes the way i remember by now)#(but he doesn't need to know that)
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