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werevulvi · 3 years ago

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You know how often I ask myself, why can't I just be normal? It's quite a lot. I wanna talk about something I've never told anyone before, aside from a few strangers online. I've suppressed this my whole life, since childhood. I've acted with anger towards others with the same thing as me, told them how it's offensive and awful. Refused to allow myself to even think about my own urges and desires. It worked for a long time, until I wrote my book this summer, a fiction story about a couple who end up disabled from their dangerous work as assassins. My intentions were just... to try to give good representation and explore something I knew very little about.

So I did a lot of research into my characters' disabilities, and even briefly pretended to have those specific disabilities at home alone, just to get an idea of what it's like to manage daily life with them. It was just a writer's thing, just being a dedicated writer, I told myself, as I researched those disabilities far more in-depth than I did about assassins...

At one point, I would cover my eye with a makeshift eye patch, as one of my main character's loses an eye, and I... it brought forth what I had suppressed my whole life, and I can't suppress it anymore as a result of that. The bottled feelings have escaped and I can't put them back in again.

I think I have Body Integrity Identity Disorder (BIID.) There, I said it.

It's a very rare mental illness that makes you want to become disabled, usually in some very specific way. Most are males, and most desire amputation, but it can pertain to wanting blindness, deafness, or I guess, any conceivable disability. There's only been a few thousand reported cases, but it's also said to be a very secret disorder, so numbers are probably not accurate. It's very poorly researched, poorly understood, and still not recognized as an actual disorder. So you can't be diagnosed with it currently, and there are no set criteria for it. However, it will be in the upcoming ICD-11 (the International Classification of Diseases.) It will then also be re-named to Body Integrity Dysphoria (BID) as it's being recognized as a form of dysphoria, and as a neurological condition.

And now for the obligatory life story:

I don't remember when it started, but as a child, I'd say roughly age 5 or 7, I was obsessed with fictional characters that had a distinct scar over one eye, and either blind in that eye or entirely missing it. I would on occasion play around with a hand covering one eye, and wished I could have that for real. For a long time, I didn't know why I was so obsessed with that. If I was just admiring that kinda physical feature, or wanted it myself, or both. Throughout my teens and adulthood thus far, I've made a lot of drawings of people with only one eye, and scarred faces. I wrote another book back in 2013 with one of the main characters being a woman with a large scar across half her face. I've always been a little too fascinated with facial deformities, having only one eye, and facial assymmetry. And I've tried to express it with assymmetrical makeup looks (not made to look like I'm injured) throughout my teens and 20's.

So it's been with me for a very long time, even though I've tried super hard to suppress it, and tried to tell myself that I should just be happy to have a mostly abled body. But that wish/urge/whatever it is, has never gone away.

When I first heard of BIID, back in 2016 or so, I was angry, and thought of people with it as despicable. I was in deep denial of how much I could relate to them. Didn't want to think of that. But since learning more about the condition, and listening to others who have it, and learning it is actually a real condition... I guess that has helped me eventually come to this point that, well fuck... it me.

Up until recently, I thought it was just a self-harm desire, as I used to be a cutter, but now I understand that the self-harm was not the intention behind what I want with that, but merely the means to achieve it. Kinda like how I wanted to cut my own tits off before I had my double mastectomy. It wasn't about specifically wanting to injure my chest, but to not have tits anymore, and I much preferred the much safer way of doing it, through proper surgery. However, wanting half my face re-arranged is a little bit harder to achieve through elective surgery, even if surgeons were allowed to treat BIID through surgery. So I do not think my desire to get rid of my left eye and surrounding tissues is about wanting to harm myself. It's about wanting to have and live with the result of such an injury. Although I get that might be very unimaginable.

So then, have I ever made any attempts?

Yeah... I have. Once, I think it was when I was 22, I took a blade to my face, but chickened out, and ended up only making a very superficial cut on my cheek, which I was then extremely ashamed of. I didn't want for people to find out I had made it myself. Since then, I've stopped self-harming and have no desire to make a second attempt. I'm scared I'd fuck it up and cause damage I don't want, or... not enough damage. And I'm worried I'd be beyond myself with shame if I would take out my own eye and then other people would show sympathy for my injury, knowing I'd have caused it myself. I just kinda wish it would happen accidentally somehow.

So, to clarify, my BIID targets my left eye and left side of my face. Why left? Honestly because I'm deaf since birth on my left ear, so it would be extremely inconvenient to be deaf on one side and blind on the other. Much more manageable to have one side be blind-deaf and the other fully seeing and hearing. But at first it didn't matter to me so much which side of my face would be affected. I have no desire to become an amputee or fully blind. I also don't have a fetish for disabled people.

Would I date a disabled person?

Yes, but that's because some attractive people just so happen to be disabled, and I wouldn't think I'm particularly judgemental, not that I find their disabilities in and of themselves attractive.

I try to quell this desire, to lose an eye and half my face, by on occasion wearing an eye patch in secrecy. I know it can worsen my vision, but why on Earth would I mind that? It's kinda what I want. But my mom almost caught me wearing it today as she came by for a quick visit, and I have worn it at the grocery store, and out and about in my village. It feels so damn right, yet so fucking wrong...

Let's tackle this question as well: Do I feel like an ass towards disabled people?

Yes and no. Thing is, I'm already disabled myself. I'm not an abled person to begin with. I live on permanent sickness compensation, classified unable to work, for life, with little to no chance at improvement, due to my autism and adhd. I have the energy levels of an old cellphone that drops to 2% battery ten minutes after being fully charged every time. And I hate it. I hate that there's so much in life that I'll probably never be able to do. So disability, is already part of my life, and always has been. So why then would I want to become more disabled, instead of less? Well, yeah that is what I want...

I've faced a shit ton of ableism since childhood, and I actually think that's why I got BIID. Because my actual disability is invisible and not taken seriously in society. And I think that's what I deep down want: to just have my disability be visible and taken seriously. Physical disabilities are taken more seriously. I've even heard that straight from the mouths of people who have both mental and physical disabilities. How often have I not been called lazy for something I've been literally unable to do, just because I "look" capable? How often do I get to hear I "don't seem autistic?" How often do I get told that autism is not even a disability, but merely a personality trait and being socially awkward? How often do I get told I would be able to work if I just tried harder? All. The. Fucking. Time.

I think that's why, ever since I was a child, I've wanted to have a physical disability, which is fully visible, and cannot be ignored. And what's more visible than the face? We interact with it the most. Because I don't really want to be less capable or lose a lot of movement, I just want for my already disabled existence to be visibly disabled.

So that's a big reason for why I think I have BIID. Which is to say, I don't feel like I'm being an ass towards disabled people, because I'm already disabled to begin with, merely wishing I was more disabled and in a more visible way. Had I been abled to begin with, I think that would have been different, but even abled people with BIID don't choose to have this condition. I read a quote from a person with BIID, who got the amputation he wanted, and he said basically that he didn't know what's worse, having BIID or being disabled. I can relate to that. And I think that is the irony here, that simply having BIID is like being disabled in and of itself already.

That said, however, I do understand why disabled people would be greatly offended, angry, or otherwise insulted, by people with BIID. Honestly I cannot understand why they would not be. I'm greatly offended by people who say they wish they were autistic! And I'm offended at myself for wishing I had a facial deformity and only one eye. Why do I want this!? I keep trying to shake sense into myself. It's what's causing my shame and wishing I could just be normal. No disabilities, and no wish for disabilities I don't have. That'd be great.

There is one more aspect I also feel the need to tackle: Transabled.

BIID has recently been rather often labeled as "transabled" in the same vein as "transracial" (wanting to be another race) and transgender. As a transsexual, this comparison is of course something that I have not missed. I'm painfully aware. This is how I see it, alright: Although I do feel like my body integrity dysphoria is incredibly similar to my sex dysphoria, I feel like it would be extremely rude and tone deaf to identify as for example vision impaired, deaf or an amputee, without actually having those disabilities. And I do not know if anyone actually does this. As far as I've seen, some people with BIID may pretend to have the disability they want (like with me walking around with an eye patch despite having no medical need for it) but they don't lie about it, or they try hard to avoid ending up in a situation where they'd feel pressured to lie. So I dunno how much validity there even is in anyone with BIID genuinely identifying as transabled. But regardless of that, I think it's absolutely abhorrent to identify as disabled in ways you are not. And I'd never tell anyone that I'm missing an eye when I do not.

So, I really do not like the term "transabled" and much prefer the BIID and BID terms. I do not like BIID being conflated with being transgender, although I want to very carefully say that the two conditions are so incredibly similar, that... I think that's another big reason I ended up with both. That I've always felt a strong disconnect from my body, which has merely expressed itself in a wide array of ways, ranging from sex dysphoria to body integrity dysphoria, dissociation and even having previously identified as otherkin. I don't think that's a coincidence at all. But then what caused all of that? I don't think there is a simple answer, but a multitude of reasons, and it may even connect with my autism as well as my trauma.

So, I'd say most likely it's caused by a cocktail of neurological and social issues. I was just clearly meant to be a broken person, making the most of my life with the sucky cards I was dealt, and on good days... I guess I'm kinda okay with that. At least it's not boring. Let's end on that not super tragic note. Feel free to ask me anything, if you’ve got any questions.

#biid #body integrity dysphoria #body integrity identity disorder #finally accepting i probably have this #im not happy about it but it is what it is i guess #ok to rb #transabled #im only adding that tag bcos i know many dont know what the condition is actually called

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starfanatic · 4 years ago

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Luke Skywalker vs Rey... Nobody

I hate the argument that a lot of sequel trilogy stans use whenever anyone criticized Rey or labels her a Mary Sue. It’s probably the weakest argument a sequel stan can ever possibly say to me. (Besides the people hate Rey because she’s a women argument).

Lets compare them shall we?

Luke Skywalker in A New Hope is whiny, inexperienced, and very naive. There is multiple moments in a new hope that proves this. When he was whining about not wanting to stay on the moisture farm and wanting to join the Academy like his friend, Biggs. He constantly was slightly annoying throughout the film, especially to Han. When Han named his price and Luke was like “We can buy our own ship with that!” or when Han was flying the Milennium Falcon and Luke was practically yelling in his ear to go into hyperspace. Han and Luke did not get along at first because of Luke’s behavior. Luke went against Obi-Wan’s orders and saved Princess Leia, not thinking of the consequences. How he could possibly be killed or put in a cell with the Princess. He doesn’t think of a plan to get out AFTERWARDS only the spur of the moment. He was constantly shown to be inexperienced and needed his friends help or HE WOULD HAVE DIED THE FIRST MOVIE. While on the millennium falcon, Obi-Wan taught him things about the force. Maybe not a lot but he knew how to use the simple basics of it. Like sensing the force and letting it guide your actions (as Obi-Wan was trying to teach him before). For once Luke listened and trusted Obi-Wan and destroyed the death star.

Lets do Rey now WHOOP. So far the only personality flaw she seems to have is that she’s also naive? She had the same wide-eyed innocence as Luke had but it’s different and here’s why. Rey never suffers for any of her so-called almost non-existent flaws. Rey is experienced enough to hold her own in a fight against men WAY stronger then her (that’s realistic though but that’s one tool in her belt). She’s bilingual. She can fly the millennium falcon better then Han Solo even though she never flew one before. She is constantly saving people by herself, never the one being saved. (Before y’all bust my balls, Rey escaped that damn starkiller base by her damn self. Luke didn’t and couldn’t). She uses powers that takes years to learn and the excuse is the force dyad. So she downloads Kylo’s skills and training. Great. Magnificent. Rey is on a amazing start. And this is the first movie! She can only get stronger from here.

Luke is more mature and responsible in ESB. He’s a respected hero of the rebellion. Luke still struggles using the force. Even with the training Luke goes through with Obi-Wan he had to truly focus to pull the lightsaber to him. Plus as a common occurrence, he still needed help from his friends. He’s not invincible. He actually gets severely hurt (makes sense). He goes to Dagobah to get trained (because unlike Rey he doesn’t have the “learn force jedi shit that takes years to learn” cheatcode). And then he’s impatient. He wants to learn how to use the force so he can help his friends. Luke is again reckless, impatient, and he’s also insecure in his own belief. Him not believing he can lift the X-wing was why he couldn’t. Against his master’s and Obi-Wan’s orders he decides to save his friends. It’s a noble reason to but it still got him fucked up. He got his hand cut off, he was beaten and humiliated, and then he was told a horrifying revalation that twisted around everything he knew and believed. He was scared of Vader, you can see it on his face, but he did not succumb to fear.

Rey goes to the island to convince Luke to go help them fight the war. Why doesn’t Leia go instead? Who knows. Why does Luke act the way he does? Who knows. Luke dismissed her and was quite rude to her. Rey was having cute little talks with Kylie Renner in their little force dyad BS. She called him a monster and a murderous snake. I like the insults. It fills me with joy! But then she finds out the truth. Rey did do something reckless and stupid but as usual she doesn’t suffer the consequences to her actions. Technically she’s morally superior to Luke because she saw the good in him and felt like she could turn him to the light (after slicing his face open. Ok). Rey decides to give herself up to the First Order thinking Kylo would save her. And he does. So she wasn’t even wrong... Rey fight the very elite guards of the (bootleg emperor palpatine) Supreme Leader Snoke. Reminder, TFA and TLJ are like 3-4 days apart. She had zero training within these days. Luke refused to train her so don’t start that bullshit. Luke trained her for like 5 minutes and none of that training had anything to do with lightsaber dueling. Rey is then told she was a nobody. Now why did Rey cry about this? I truly don’t know. How the hell would Kylo accurately know that Rey’s parents were nobody? Didnt Rey been know this from the force awakens? Eh whatever. She tries to force pull the lightsaber from Kylo Ren and do a dumbass tug a war instead of walking up and grabbing it. It reminds me of JJ and Rian fighting over where the star wars sequels). Anakin must be screaming and yelling from above... or below... idk. The lightsaber then breaks. Rey then saves her friends by showing her once again superior piloting skills that rival or is possibly better then Anakin Skywalker himself. Hitting 3 in one shot? You go girl! She then uses the force to effortlessly move the big ass boulders out of the entrance to save the resistance. Last I remember... Luke struggled to do that with a few way smaller rocks and was also focusing hard to do.

Luke is finally at jedi status! Woohoo! Now Luke first saves Han from Jabba. It shows his very dark side tendencies by choking the guards (like father like son). Luke thinks of a actual plan before going in (CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT). Luke “Chanel Boots” Skywalker goes to Yoda on his death bed. All he wants is answers but Yoda wants to be cryptic as fuck. Luke has been lied to for years by his mentors and his family. Luke’s father isn’t hero Anakin Skywalker but actually a big, asthmatic, merciless, murderous asshole who has a choking kink. Luke then says he cannot kill his own father and Obi-Wan, who believes Vader isn’t a human but a machine, has no faith in Luke. He believes that Luke will fail and the Empire would win. Luke feels the conflict and good in him that nobody else does. He knows that Vader is unloyal to the emperor and he actually cares about his own son. When he is with Han and Leia he realizes he made a mistake and has a bad feeling about it. (*gasp* Luke is not being super reckless). He’s not arrogant (not in anyway) but he’s completely confident that Vader would turn. (He isn’t flawless there is still obvious problem with this plan he has. He fails, the empire wins. He dies, the emperor wins. Vader doesn’t turn, Luke fails. Luke almost succumbs to the dark side and it’s actually plausible he might fully turn. He wants to desperately save his friends and his father has done horrible things to Luke. Luke had every reason to kill Vader. But he doesn’t. He throws the lightsaber away and foolishly puts his life in Vader’s hand. Luke doesn’t save the galaxy because he can make things levitate with the force. He wins because he had the strength to resist the dark side and has so much love and pure good in his heart he saw the good in his father.

Rey starts off with a training session (no idc it’s too fucking late now. 3 movies in? Is she doing reverse character development?) and basically Poe gets mad at Rey for not accompanying them on missions. I still don’t know why she needs training, when she is at a decent strength to fight elite guards, fight kylo ren, and a variety of other things that typically takes a long time to learn. After finding out Palpatine returned, Rey goes on a mission to find the way finder almost like a shitty videogame. I don’t even want to talk about the force dyad anymore because it’s fucking dumb. Rey gets chased by the force order and hear this out, FORCE HEALS (i forgot what the animal was but idrc). Which means Rey had the power to stop the painful truth of death themself. Why am I not surprised? Rey did something that no other jedi nor sith or jedi have ever done this. Anakin went to the dark side to save the ones he love. This movie was just a slap in the face to Anakin. Rey then fights Kylo Ren and lost??? again it seems a little too late and it also didn’t make sense. Rey defeated those guards all by herself with Kylo needed help from her. She’s obviously the better lightsaber duelist but hey, at least JJ was trying to mellow her out a bit. Rey stabs him while our beloved Princess died. She then regrets her decision and as always, doesn’t have any consequence to her actions. By the force I forgot, the whole scene where she is revealed as a Palpatine? Completely invalidates the first two movies but eh whatever. She uses a power that only the elite sith does... something Kylo Ren himself could not do (and he’s on the dark side). Rey “killed” Chewie but actually no she didn’t because Chewie is perfectly fine. Rey is supposed to be all dark and edgy now, “you don’t know me” BS. Yeah I’m sorry I won’t tolerate this because my only allergy is the fish smelling coochie bullshit called the sequel trilogy. Rey got scared of her dark self. Well at least JJ tried? Rey then almost gives up but Luke was like “nah fam you cant”. Rey dies trying to fight Palpatine but then as usual, she gets zero consequence cuz Benny Simp saved her using the force. Then she kissed him... no. No. No. This made my eyes burn like they just threw bleach in my eyes. It made no sense. “A Kiss of Gratitude”? What the shit was that? GIRLS DO NOT INSPIRE TO BE REY.

#anti sequel trilogy #anti rey palpatine #anti reylo #luke skywalker #star wars #leia organa #han solo #obi wan kenobi #anakin skywalker #rebel scum #anti rian johnson #a new hope #empire strikes back #return of the jedi

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hustlerose · 4 years ago

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dont rb dont rb dont rb dont rb dont rb

i was talkin about this irl but lemme see if i can get it down. so i’ve basically always hated labels (applied to myself anyway). the ones i can stand are always pretty minimal.

i feel like i’ve been able to witness sort of a renaissance of lgbt labels. ppl my age and younger are spreading around faux latin word salad and it’s kind of amazing. labels mean legitimacy so young ppl have built up this folk academia around every aspect of love and self expression. some ppl just use these hyper specific labels as a way to explore their own identities, most of them never say the words in real life. and that exploration is a good thing.

but i think we hit on a problem. cis str8 people dont know the folk academia. in the same way that technical language in any field can be inaccessible to most ppl, most ppl arent familiar with the kinsey scale or the split attraction model or any of the faux latin. the labels are useful in figuring yourself out, but are they really useful when you’re out?

here’s where it gets personal i wanna stress that this is about me it’s not fucking supposed to be universal.

a label that has to be defined every time you use it is not doing its job, and i hate wasting my breath. i’ve always preferred to say things in very human terms, without academic language. i want to be understood because why else to we communicate. if you’re gonna have to define demisexual every time you say it, why not just say the definition instead?

if i was gonna label myself in the most academically accurate way for tumblr purposes, it would be smth like: biromantic demisexual nonbinary trans woman. that’s so many words that need to be defined. i dont even want to call myself a nonbinary trans woman. i shouldnt need so many qualifiers.

am i trans? yes. am i nonbinary? yes. am i a woman? yes. but do i need to say all that up front? woman is a great word because it packs so much meaning into a small word. when i call myself a woman with no qualifiers, i’m sorta making the case that i dont need them. “woman” is not one experience. the word is defined broadly enough to include me, no ifs ands or buts. i think it brings up ideas about what gender really is. if you meet me where i am and accept that i am a woman, the same gender as any other woman, you have to consider what that really means.

woman is a very human word, so far removed from technical language. i like saying things in human terms, so ppl can understand them.

example. if i say “ADHD” a lot of ppl are gonna have different ideas about what that means. they might have certain info or misinfo about it. but if i say i’m easily distracted or i need time to get motivated when i start a new task, that’s human language. anyone can understand that if they speak english.

when i say nonbinary trans woman ppl are gonna have a hard time. but if i say i’m a trans woman but there’s a bit more nuance to it than that, it’s a little easier.

now dont get me wrong i love the word nonbinary. i love being nonbinary. i think the word nonbinary can be just as sharp as the word trans or the word woman. it’s widely used with a broad definition.

i love the word trans too. an academic word with a complex history, reduced down to a single syllable that you can just fuckin spit out. i’m fuckin TRANS. you can just say that.

still these words are optional. “woman” includes me. “female” includes me. i can call myself these things without stacking adjectives on them and weighing them down. it makes me feel free in a way thats hard to describe. it’s like putting my own identity into the most human words possible makes me more human. suddenly, with just a change of language, i’m not an academic oddity anymore. the simplicity makes it real. the less i say, the more i am human.

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cats-moss-gays · 4 years ago

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@terflies

You’ve been all over my posts so I’m just going to consolidate into this one. I’m tired of scrolling past your long and quite frankly boring responses. This post will be divided into sections. If you’re going to respond please say something interesting. However I doubt either of us will ever change the other’s mind. These are kind of like closing statements and I doubt I’ll make anymore major responses because I’m trying to stay focused on offline things.

1. Unanswered Questions

There are some questions and statements in my reblogs that you conveniently ignored.

Definition of a woman? You responded with some generic bs that very clearly isn’t an answer. I’ll be more specific, what should the dictionary definition be? Any ideas?

If I don’t feel like a woman am I allowed to identify as one? You said you weren’t going to humour this question but it is applicable to me and many other gc women. I definitely don’t have any internal feeling of womanhood, or any gender. Does this mean I have to be agender? Is the female gender label restricted to a certain feeling? Or is there absolutely nothing that women have in common?

What is the feeling of womanhood? You kind of answered this but I have a follow up question. You say the feeling of womanhood is enjoying being perceived as a woman. If I feel indifferent to this does it mean I’m not a woman? Additionally, many women feel uncomfortable with being perceived as a woman because of the misogyny associated with the label, does this make them men?

2. Inaccurate Statements and Lies

I don’t believe any “TRAs” define women by gender roles

You may not but there are many who do. It’s also important to point out how deeply ingrained gender roles are in society; you can’t stop them by just saying your choices exist in a vacuum. I’m sure you think I’m just making this up for fun, so here are some examples ;) x - x - x - x - x - x - x - x - x - x - x - x - x - x - x - x

So this whole…thing is dishonest from the start. Gender does not replace sex.

In another post you said that laws should be based on gender instead of sex. So which is it, either gender isn’t replacing sex or it is. When feminists talk about sex based oppression they’re called terfs. When gay people say their attraction is based on sex they’re called transphobic. When people were saying that only females get cervical cancer, they were called violent transphobes. Gender is absolutely attempting to replace sex as the basis of legal protections, safe spaces, political movements, etc. Two of the top post on my blog are more extreme example of this. x - x

BONUS: You’re saying TERF rhetoric

3. The “Questions” Post

You seem very confused about how to define biological sex and to some extent I understand that but you have to stop playing dumb. There must be some way that doctors are able to identify the sex of a fetus before it’s even born in the vast majority of cases, right? And before you try to say I’m just ignoring the existence of intersex people or trying to deny science, I’ll point out that I have watched and read a lot of “sex is a spectrum” stuff. I understand that DSDs exist and that biology is complicated. Our disagreement is mostly not over the facts but over how to define them. I know that however I explain it you’ll pretend you don’t understand it, so instead I’ll just link you to some other sources that explain it more in depth. x - x - x - x - x - x - x - x - x

A third sex—and many creatures have more than two—does not necessarily mean a third gamete. Mostly this question is a childish distraction, but if you were to use a strict, gamete-based definition of sex the answer would be “none”.

So all infertile people are a third sex? To be female you have to be able to bear children? And you call me regressive, yikes. This can be debunked with the same sources from above but I wanted to feature it in my post because I want people to know that you think there’s a third sex.

I made a quick little chart to compare all the things gender has been compared to! The difference is that while many are socially defined, gender is socially constructed. If someone never interacted with other humans, they would still have a skin color, have or not have specific abilities, have a sexual orientation, and be male or female. They would not have an observable gender identity.

1 - You refuse to humor my questions about being a woman who doesn’t feel like one, however this is not in bad faith; I do want to know what you think. Many gc/radfems, including myself, and many women in general do not have a specific feeling of gender. This is especially true for gnc women, who often feel a disconnect from the feminine gender role and subsequently, the feminine gender. The solution is to realize that there are no standards to conform to to be a woman, no clothes or interests or feelings, just the biological reality one is born with.

2 - You say “the feeling of womanhood is enjoying being called a woman” but what does that mean? It’s circular reasoning, a fallacy called begging the question. How do you know you are a woman? If I gave up being a terf on tumblr, how would you advise that I identify if I don’t think I feel like a woman? My current plan was to just pick the mogai flag with the prettiest colors, but I’m thinking maybe there’s more to it than that...

3 - See my explanation above. Sex is comparable to race or disability or sexuality; gender is not.

4 - You say genders are social classes. If they are indeed social classes, they are unnecessary ones that reinforce oppression. They are undefinable when not based on biological sex or gender roles. The other example of classes I can think of is wealth. Wealth classes have obvious divisions, you can’t just identify into more money. Gender has nothing that is shared by every woman, man, or nonbinary, so you can just identify in and out of classes. Additionally, if there are like 100 genders, are there 100 classes?

4. The “Biological” Sex Post

Gender does not replace sex

Then why are TRAs trying to say sexuality, legal protections, bathrooms, spaces, political movements, etc should be based on gender instead of sex? You keep contradicting yourself; you should talk to your fellow trans activists because many would disagree. Also see my response in part two.

A number of points here aren’t factually wrong but simple (*simply) irrelevant

So you would agree that biological sex is important and that it is relevant to many conversations? Then why were people getting mad about this?

Or this?

On to the specific examples. This post is long enough already and I’m not going to spoon feed basic biology to you because you’ll probably just ignore it. I referenced a variety of sources earlier. I’ll just reference Invisible Women since it’s an amazing book.

1. This first point is, appropriately enough, true in isolation; it just doesn’t support Paradox Institute’s argument. Listing it leads the audience to believe that truth is on their side, but PI do nothing at all to justify that.

So nothing here is true? They’re just lying? Here are their sources btw.

2. Generally irrelevant, but not entirely biologically accurate, either. It isn’t that ‘male’ and ‘female’ are categories intrinsic to nature that produce small, motile and large, immotile gametes respectively; ‘male’ and ‘female’ are labels we assign (generally, but not always) according to gamete size.

So it’s not relevant that one sex has the ability to carry children or menstruation or get an abortion? It’s not like there’s any issues women face specifically for that, right? So we assign the labels male and female to gametes. If you want to play semantics, sure, we created the words, but the gametes themselves already existed. Not really sure what you’re trying to say here other than disagreeing for the sake of disagreeing and moving some words around. Are you implying that the categorizations of gametes are subjective? Are you saying there’s a spectrum of gametes?? Are eggs just big sperm and sperm just small eggs??? Genuinely have no idea what the fuck you’re trying to prove here.

3. Whatever your opinion of evolutionary psychology, this does not preclude gender. (On the contrary, we ought to include gender in our understanding of cultural development with respect to sex.)

The only gender in history was gender roles, and both were tied to sex in most cases. Sex absolutely came before gender and is more integral to our existence. In any time before the last few decades, gender and sex were basically synonyms.

4. Entirely a straw argument. And, to the contrary, precision greater than two sex categories would be beneficial (i.e. specific sex characteristics, history, endocrinology etc.).

Obviously doctors don’t just diagnose based on sex, they factor in medical history and other traits. Precision is irrelevant because it still focuses on sex not gender. If it’s “entirely a straw argument” why did someone else reblog your response with this?

Speaking as a member of a medical family, the medical one fucking OFFENDS me.

Blood type HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH GENDER. Or biological sex! Both are totally irrelevant! And medication dosage is determined by AGE and SIZE. A 25-year-old 160-pound person with a penis needs the exact same dose as a 25-year-old 160-pound person with a vagina. In fact, possibly LESS of a dose, if the person with a penis is 5’10” and the person with a vagina is 5’5”. (The taller person may be underweight.)

This is just. UGH. I could scream.

@prismatic-bell this is one of the funniest and dumbest replies I’ve ever gotten. First of all “member of a medical family” tf is that lmao. This reminds me of that post where the “medical worker” tra turned out to be a garbage collector guy. I have no idea why you brought up blood type when it is literally never mentioned in the original post. Strawman much? Fucking obviously blood type isn’t affected by sex, and you’re completely missing the point if you think gender has anything to do with this. Medication dosage is decided by age and size, yes, but also biological sex. This is like basic medical science, dumbass. Mandatory reading from Invisible Women as punishment for your stupidity crimes:

People called her a terf for this :)

5. How sports are best divided is a far broader question than this point implies. We could, for example, segregate sports by relevant physical attributes (as is already the case in some sports) rather than by sex or gender. This point also presupposes (but does not justify) that a woman having an advantage in women’s sports by dint of being trans is significantly greater than an advantage any woman might have by dint of her natural attributes (which, empirically, she does not) and hence would be unfair. That said, enforcement of “female” sports is already marred by racism and perisexism.

You agree sex and gender are different, yes? So then why should males be in female sports? You’re trying to distract me with that stuff about physical performance and whatever. Focus on the question at hand, should males be allowed into female sports? We cannot eradicate sex-segregated sports because female athletes will be even more systematically disadvantaged. If you were truly a feminist you’d understand that female sports are the result of the movement you claim to support. More Invisible Women facts plus some interesting info about the plough hypothesis:

6. Simply untrue. Excluding trans women from statistics about women on the basis that doing so would affect those statistics is arbitrary at best. Those statistics may change, but that does not mean they are unsuitable or inappropriate. The exclusion of any subset of women can be justified in exactly the same way.

Nope! Stop trying to use women of color and intersex women as justifications for why we should let men pretend to be women. You’ve seen the hundreds of receipts of trans women committing all sorts of male violence. Has anyone found anywhere near a comparable number of trans men doing similar things? They have not, even though if trans men were truly men they would be much more violent.

7. The majority of single-sex spaces are, functionally, just as much single-gender (owing to the traditional equivalence of ‘sex’ and ‘gender’ and to the majority of the population being cis. Trans people have been using spaces appropriate to their gender for decades, whereas concerns about them doing so are based on speculation and hypotheticals rather than fact. (Aided, as with a lot of bigotry, by bad and manipulated statistics.)

I’ve spoken about my opinions on the bathroom debate before. If a passing trans person uses the bathroom of their choice I don’t really care, but there have already been many examples of men making women uncomfortable in their bathrooms, or worse. Making all bathrooms gender neutral is by far the worst idea, but unfortunately that seems to be where we’re headed. More Invisible Women, just for fun:

8. This is the worst red herring, exploiting violent misogyny for the sake of argument. It is another straw argument, too, since—even ignoring trans-positive feminism in practice and assuming trans people act only in self-interest—trans people are concerned with addressing such injustice.

Sure, many trans people are supportive of feminism. But we can’t effectively dismantle the patriarchy if we can’t accurately describe the (sex-based) oppression involved. Women are routinely silenced when talking about our biology, even when there is no “transphobic” language involved. “Trans-positive feminism” also often reinforces misogyny by supporting sex work and porn, and by shutting down analysis of things like femininity and makeup because “some women like it.” See also from trans activists: misogyny racism homophobia + lesbophobia

9. Similar to (7) there is no consistent distinction between sex and gender across law. Even so, this is another red herring as it is possible to recognise both sex and gender in laws and policies. Some laws already do (at least functionally, if not explicitly).

You can deny it but the TRA train is leaving without you and they’ve been clear about their goals. As you’ve seen in this post, gender is intended to replace sex. Those who bring up sex-based issues are silenced as “terfs” who deserve the hatred thrown at them.

Sorry for making such a long post but I was on a roll so I just kept writing. I don’t expect @terflies to respond to all of this but I wanted an excuse to make some sort of masterpost that links to a lot of my other posts and can be used in the future. Online school is going pretty well and I’m trying to start some doing some hobbies that are better than tumblr blogging.

#my posts #discourse #factfem #receipts #masterpost #there's so many things mentioned in this post i'm not going to bother tagging them all #debunking anti terfs #terf

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noonymoon · 4 years ago

Text

You Have Been Lied To #4

hello again!

in the first few posts we have talked about

how the public narrative is carefully constructed by a global elite

how our entire perception of our past and how we came to be was shaped throughout history

how the myths and stories about a great flood and giants throughout all the cultures are real

how there are children going missing in massive amounts

and why they are going missing 1 & 2

while i am not at all hurt on a personal level by the fact that many people start to unfollow me - i really don't care for status, fame, pleasure, distraction, an online-reputation, or ANYTHING at all anymore -, i am really saddened that only a fragment of people care for the Truth. the only thing i can do is keep going and pray that people will wake up in time. many others have begun to wake up (a lot of people woke up because of the Qanon movement but i am not a Qanon).

in this post today, i'm going to shed light on what Nazi-Germany actually was. i personally didn't dig deep into my own research because i am entirely overloaded with all kinds of researches and Hitler is not really my favourite topic in the world. but i've read a great book that pulls from many well-researched sources, plus i am using my common sense. when you can count 2+2 together and it makes sense, you know that ist is the Truth. the 2+2 we are going to look at today is the following:

- we've learned that the mainstream media and the entertainment media serves mainly two agendas: 1. to keep the truth away from us, and 2. to shape our perception of WHAT is possible, what is fantasy, what is truth and what is just too crazy to be real. right?

so, according to this parameter, let me ask you the question: why do you think there are SO MANY movies and works about the Nazis being deep into occult knowledge and into mystical artifacts? Captain America: Civil War, Hellboy, Wolfenstein, the Indiana Jones series, Iron Sky, The Keep, and many others are part of this concealing of Truth. the reason why Hollywood wants us to believe that this thought is too fantastical and too absurd to be real is that the Nazis truly had religious interest in the occult.

here is a brief overview about the topic

there are quotes by Hitler himself which make one think what the heck did he mean by that...? (looking at it from a public narrative perspective ofc)

according to what i've learned Hitler was a huge follower of the teachings of Madam Helena Blavatsky - who founded Theosophy, basically the doctrine where the New Age movement gets pretty much all its ideas, and on which all the secret societies are founded: the Knights Templar, Golden Dawn, Freemasons, Rosicrucians, Ordo Templi Orientis, Illuminati and many more.

this image alone speaks volumes once you realize what’s being communicated.

the Lemurians? the Atlanteans? THE ARYANS? after breaking the veil of deception that is around all of us, it couldn't be more obvious that Hitler was deep in the occult knowledge that was brought forth by Theosophy in 1875. it simply does not make sense at all that Hitlers only goal was to create a race that "has blonde hair and blue eyes" (though it plays a tiny role in this as well). Hitler truly believed with all his rotten heart that there is a race that is superior to regular humans. this religious belief burned in him and his Nazis like an insane fire and they went on a lot of expeditions around the world to find more occult knowledge and also a very specific thing which i am not mentioning yet.

there are a ton of actual real photos of Hitler and his Nazis in Tibet visiting the monks, and also Hitler in the Antarctica (which is a whole rabbit hole for itself but that one is really crazy *lol*) and whatever you've heard in the public why Hitler went to these places, it is not the Truth.

when i was still in this witchy community on here, i often saw posts that basically told Nazis to f*ck off and stop using Runes. back then i had no concept of why any Nazi would use the nordic runes except maybe the superficial thought of "Germans are germanics are nordics" or whatever *lol*, the Truth is, in Hitlers quest to unlock as much as occult knowledge as possible, he also visited Iceland and studied the Nordic Edda. [ Hitlers goddaughter was also named Edda, just throwing this in here ] - Guido von List (an Austrian living in Germany) was apparently the first one to assign mystical meanings to the nordic runes and founding an occult Religion named Wotanism, he died in 1919.

another thing i want to point out is the Swastika. you probably know that the Swastika is pretty much an ancient symbol and appears in ALL kinds of cultures of this world. there is a reason for this that goes deep beyond any regular comprehension, but the public narrative is that Hitler simply stole this symbol and made it a Nazi-Germany symbol, but the truth goes much, much, much deeper than that.

of course we can pretend like all of these connections are just "coincidences" and of course we can cling to the public narrative that is telling us lies, lies, lies. i dearly encourage everyone who wants to know the Truth about this world to start researching. in all of the previous posts i've mentioned and linked really good starting points. you don't have to be a Christian or believe in Jesus in order to find out about the world we live in (though, after discovering all of the pieces and puzzling them together, the most logical thought for me was to literally RUN towards Jesus and i know this is different for everybody but i am praying for you to find Him). i know a lot of this sounds crazy and flat-out foil-hat-kind of way. but always remember that this image of the Truth is on purpose. people who dig into the Truth get out-cast, people who discover the Truth and want to wake other people up are being labelled as wrong and crazy, get silenced, get threatened, get assassinated.

to say it in Hitlers very words: "Truth is not what is; Truth is what people believe it to be" .... sadly, that is very true in our society today. everyone just picks and chooses what they want to believe and there is no concept anymore of ultimate Truth because we are being lied to from each and every side. and i know this sounds radical and Noony how can you say something like this, and so on and so forth, i really GET IT. i understand that it sounds radical, i understand that it isn't what people WANT to hear. you can condemn me all that you want, i really do not care anymore, this is way too important than setting my own comfort above it. Truth is truth, and lies are lies.

one of my favourite scriptures in the Bible is "And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." --- John 8:32 ... it could NOT be MORE accurate. it's actually mindblowing how relevant and true these thousand year old words are, especially today. i've never felt so light and free and happy and sane EVER before in my entire life. i've quit my psychopharmacy drugs a while ago (i've been taking prescription drugs for more than 10 years) and my life is looking just bright and wonderful right now, and this even though i almost died in April, still recovering from it. i am more courageous, more filled with love, more motivated, more friendly, more calm, my household is doing just fine, everything is clean and neat, i am doing my chores, my plants are thriving, and even though i am literally ALONE 24/7 (real life AND online) i never ever feel lonely. and i am living with wide open eyes and even though this world is HORRIBLE, i am peaceful now. the Truth really DOES make you free. i've stopped with all kinds of toxic things, from sugar to drugs, you name it. i don't crave neither stimulation nor attention anymore. it's incredible. i can only recommend it. what God and his prophets also foretold over 2000 years ago that it would be EXACTLY like this. "evil will be considered good, and good will be considered evil" - people who speak the truth and do the good deeds will be demonized by the masses.

doing witchcraft and magic and believing in the New Age NEVER felt evil because i was never harming anyone. and i am pretty sure that 99,5% of you people on here feel the exact same way. we are being conditioned by the entertainment media to believe that magic is wonderful, innocent and curious. Disney is doing a GREAT job easing little children into the concepts of magic and fantasy. and i know most of all people never harm anyone with their magic. and God didn't forbid us to do magic because he doesn't want us to have fun or to have a spiritual life, or because he thinks we don't deserve any of the things we can do for ourselves magically. God will HAPPILY provide each and every need of us. the reason why God forbid his people to practice magic, sorcery, divination and witchcraft is to protect us from being deceived. now, a lot of people will rebel mentally, and that's okay, i was the same way. before you haven't discovered the truth and combined all of the puzzle pieces, it really just doesn't make a lot of sense, is really provoking and sounds bad. i was really wrestling with all this myself. now, i am grateful to the Lord that this wrestling process ended up in me being OPEN to what He has to say, and discovering the Truth instead of rebelling and living a lie any further. Praise God for not giving up on me with my stubbornness.

today, i've listened to an interview with the Illuminati Defector that i've mentioned in an earlier post, who was going to be one of the highest ranks in the Illuminati (Queen Mother of Darkness). her name is Jessie Czebotar and she has made it her mission to bring light to this worldwide matter and help survivors being rescued. please listen to some of her interviews, it’s mind-blowing what she has to say.

honestly, when you realize how EVIL these people are and that they ARE witches and druids and that they USE the occult and witchcraft and magic on an EXTREMELY high and incredible level, the LAST thing you WANT is to continue doing the same thing. like. i am not judging anyone here, truly. because we simply do not know what's going on. but when you suddenly realize that EVIL PEOPLE like Hitler, like the Illuminati and the Freemasons and all of these secret occult societies did and ARE doing the same thing of which WE regular people think it's no big deal and it's okay, you simply wanna run, run, run from it as far as you possibly can. at least this is how i feel about it. i am not forcing anyone to believe me, i am simply encouraging you to at least find out why i am saying all these things to you, and then decide for yourself.

Jesus said that we will know them by their fruits. a good tree can only create good fruit and a bad tree can only create bad fruit. a good tree can not create bad fruit and a bad tree can not create good fruit. it's really quite simple.

God bless the ones that read this with an open mind.

#history of germany #occultism #theosophy #God bless the truth

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thetriggeredhappy · 5 years ago

Note

if ur still taking them... 28 pyroscout 🥺

pyro tf2 said trans rights and scout tf2 said disaster bi rights and the team said queer rights and that’s what’s up, sis. (warning for discussion of past transphobia and other queer issues)

#28: First kiss.

It wasn’t that Scout was all that surprised to have Pyro end up as basically his best friend. He’d secretly been hoping that he’d get to be friends with a few of his coworkers when he’d taken the job, and Pyro was pretty close to him in age and shared a few of the same interests as him so it wasn’t unreasonable to expect to get along. It was just…

Maybe it would be more accurate to say that it was a little bit of an honor.

They hung out in plenty of places—watching TV or playing card games in the common room, hopping into a car and heading into town to watch the latest movie once or twice (or like eight times if they both really liked it), sometimes out back to start a bonfire or something for the hell of it.

But Pyro’s room tended to be his favorite hangout location of theirs, because that was the only place where they were okay with taking off their mask and suit.

Pyro had tried very hard not to make a big deal out of it the first time they’d unmasked in front of Scout. He’d been confused about what they were doing unclasping the bottom of it, since they didn’t have any food with them or anything and that was the only reason they usually did that—to sneak bites of food beneath. But then they shucked the whole thing up and over their head, shaking their head to re-orient themselves, sending their hair—he’d never thought about what Pyro’s hair had to be like before, how had he never thought of that?—bouncing around their face loosely, half-flattened but clearly very naturally curly. Pyro had to take a moment to fish something else out of their mask, a cap of some kind, probably to hold their hair down, and they clearly were trying very hard to avoid eye contact, nervous.

Scout, for once, was at a loss for words, mouth flapping in a way that was probably pretty similar to a fish for something like thirty seconds straight.

“Hey,” he finally managed, pointing at his own face where assorted freckles dotted his cheeks. “We match.”

Pyro glanced up at him, a little startled, then barked a laugh, and it sounded so much better when it wasn’t muffled. They hesitated a few more moments before they pulled off their gloves as well and set all of the newly-shed pieces of uniform down on their cluttered desk, fidgeting severely. “I guess so,” Pyro confirmed, and Scout had never noticed before that they had a very slight accent, too light for him to pick out what it had to be. “I’d never, I couldn’t tell before. With the…”

They pantomimed something up near their eyes, words stalling on them. It took Scout a few seconds to get what they meant. “With the mask?” he asked for confirmation. They nodded. “Oh. Huh. So it’s kinda like your first time seeing me too, huh?”

Pyro laughed. “I guess so,” they repeated, scratching at their stubble self-consciously, or maybe just because they finally could, and then Scout made an effort to both just move on with the rest of what all they were planning on doing when they hung out and also with not staring too much.

The jump to stripping off their suit as far as the tank top and thick-but-tight sweatpants they wore underneath was done a few weeks later when Scout had demonstrated that he wasn’t planning on saying anything, and he was only a little surprised by the plethora of burn marks and scars dotting their skin. He’d noticed an awful lot of scars all over Pyro, and he figured it was probably from when Pyro had been working as a mercenary before Mann Co., something he was aware had happened but hadn’t been able to coax Pyro into talking about. But it was nothing heinous, nothing that he figured warranted a full-body suit to hide it.

He tried to work out how exactly to ask Pyro why they wore the suit without being weird or rude. Luckily, he didn’t have to.

“I appreciate it, you know,” Pyro said one day unprompted, breaking the silence that had fallen between them. They were sat a foot or so apart on Pyro’s bed and drawing, Scout sketching out a dramatic rendition of a particularly funny pose he’d seen the enemy Sniper land in when he died and Pyro apparently drawing yet another unrealistically bright technicolor landscape.

“What?” Scout asked, glancing over at them, more obviously than he’d been occasionally doing the whole time they’d been drawing together. They tended to do this really adorable thing where they stuck their tongue out a little bit when they were concentrating, and Scout had to bite the inside of his cheek to stop from smiling every time he saw it.

“That you don’t…” They hesitated. “…I dunno. That you don’t try and guess, now that you’ve seen me.”

Scout tilted his head. “Huh?”

Pyro’s gaze flickered to him and back down again almost too quickly to see. “You keep… not calling me anything,” they said. “Except for dude sometimes, but, you call everyone that anyways. That you still try and use “pal” or “buddy” instead of “man” or “lady” or whatever.”

Scout blinked.

Admittedly, there had been a good month or two right after he joined the team where he didn’t know how to refer to Pyro, and had just gone with using “he”, figuring it would be the less offensive assumption for someone in a mercenary career. Then at some point Engie finally sat him down and explained things to him, and after about a week of stumbling he finally got in the practice of using “they” and other words that weren’t particularly for a guy or girl. He couldn’t say that he really got it in a lot of ways, but he’d worked hard to learn the rules on how to be polite, because he figured he owed them that at the very minimum, if nothing else.

“What do you mean?” he asked after a second.

Pyro turned the marker in their hand over and over again. “Back before I started wearing the suit,” they started to explain, gesturing loosely at the suit in question, laid down on the chair at their desk like a deflated second Pyro (and admittedly sometimes scaring the shit out of Scout when he forgot it was there and noticed it in his periphery). “I would try and tell people I worked with that I wasn’t a guy or a girl, and they’d say sure, whatever, who cares, as long as you can kill people. But they’d look at me and start referring to me as a guy anyways. Sometimes a girl, but not usually. And only as… as neither, or both, or whatever, when I corrected them and maybe for a little while after.” They scratched at their stubble again. It was getting longer, and they’d probably shave pretty soon, if Scout knew them. “And it’s just… I always wondered what it was. I’d try and go clean-shaven all the time, wax, I wore makeup once or twice even to try and balance it out, but all that did was make them refer to me as a girl more, or look at me weird. I couldn’t seem to find the middle. So eventually I just put on the suit so nobody would… get hints anymore.”

Scout frowned, but didn’t know exactly what to say. “That’s the fuckin’ worst,” he decided on.

“I know, right?!” Pyro gushed, as if the dam had broken and they were finally allowed to feel mad about it. They sighed hard, pushing their hair out of their eyes, even if they just bounced right back into place a moment later. “They always respected me professionally, but what’s it take for a person to get called the right name, y’know!? Did they want me to wear a stupid t-shirt with instructions on it!?” Another sigh, then they looked up at Scout with those deep brown eyes of theirs, the ones that flooded Scout with an inexplicable sense of comfort. “And I guess I just wanted to say thanks. For not… I dunno. Being weird.”

Scout nodded, hesitated. “So I’ve been doin’ that right?” he asked suddenly, unable to stop himself.

Pyro smiled at him warmly. “You’ve been doing great, probably the best job anyone’s ever done,” they assured, and Scout knew his own smile was probably goofy and stupid looking, but he couldn’t bite it back.

“Thanks,” he said, having to look away, and Pyro laughed.

“And, I dunno. There was also this weird thing where I tried to date for a while and people kept not taking me seriously, then one day someone finally gave me a shot but got all weird and just straight up asked me what equipment I had on the second date and it was the worst.”

“I mean, none’a their fuckin’ business is what unless they’re asking if they should pack a condom,” Scout scoffed.

“Right!? It just sucked because most people would say “oh, I’m just into girls” or try and like, swing it as if I’m a guy and therefore it was totally cool, and only twice did I find someone who would go for whoever and one got weird about it and the other one is the person I took on two dates. Only person who ever gave me any real respect about it could only go on one date with me, and she was only cool because she kind of had some special circumstances going on too, then she had a contract abroad and we had to cut things off. And I just—I dunno. I wish people who went either way would… I dunno.”

“Hey, I fit that bill, and I’d totally date you,” Scout said, and then realized what he’d just said out loud.

Pyro was staring at him openly, mouth a little agape. They tried to start talking twice without success before finally managing it on the third attempt. “You’re bisexual?” they asked, a little surprised.

Scout immediately began backtracking. “I mean, I, I dunno,” he said quickly, looking away, face on fire, “I, it isn’t like I’ve ever really even gotten to date any, anyone but a couple girls and stuff, and, I, thinking and doing are kinda two different things, and y’know, labels and, and…”

They raised an eyebrow at him.

“Okay, yeah, I think I’m bi,” he finally admitted. “But you can’t fuckin’ tell anyone, got it? The guys already get all up in my grill about callin’ me gay all the time and, and Medic asking when the coming out party is and, and Sniper going all “what’s with the pride meeting?” and shit like that, I just, I don’t need any more of that fuckin’ nonsense, okay?”

“You know half of them do those jokes because they’re not straight either, right?” Pyro asked flatly.

Scout blinked. “The Doc and Snipes are gay?” he asked, surprised.

Pyro gave him a look.

“…Okay, I guess that’s, that tracks,” he admitted. “But—how many, who all’s…?”

“Far as I know, just Medic, Sniper, Heavy, and Spy, and those last two are also bi or something like that, and I think Demo doesn’t really swing any way,” Pyro said. “You really didn’t know? I thought they were pretty out about it.”

“Nobody tells me anything!” Scout said defensively.

“That’s fair. But… I dunno, I’m obviously not gonna go out and break out the news with confetti and streamers for you, but… I think they wouldn’t really care,” Pyro shrugged. “If anything they’d just try and wingman for you more.”

Scout thought about that for a while. “Man, what are the odds that we’d get a goddamn queer collective out in the middle of a fuckin’ desert?” he asked suddenly.

“Have you maybe considered that the people who’d go out into a desert away from civilization might be queer people trying to be more themselves where they can’t get as much backlash?” Pyro suggested.

“…Shit. That makes a lot of sense actually,” he admitted.

Quiet for a few seconds. “Let’s circle back around to that part where you said you’d totally go for someone like me,” Pyro said suddenly.

Scout pulled his hat down over his face, feeling it go red again. “Shut the fuck up, dude,” he protested, annoyed at how whiny it came out. “I didn’t mean to say it out loud.”

“Do you think about making out with me a lot?” Pyro asked, tone clearly teasing now, and Scout groaned.

“Oh my god, shut up,” he muttered. “I come out to you and you just start fuckin’ bullying me? That’s the play?”

“Duh,” Pyro laughed, and pinched his cheek, making him flush further as he batted their hand away.

“I’m just sayin’ that you’re good-looking and funny and anyone would be lucky to date you, okay?” Scout finally said, trying not to let more embarrassment flood through his voice.

That got Pyro to grin sheepishly, picking up their drawing again. “You’re sweet,” was all they managed to reply with, quieter now.

“The sweetest guy on the planet,” Scout agreed, picking up his own drawing as well, and Pyro elbowed him in the ribs, making him squawk.

He ended up coming out to Engie offhandedly during their lunch break about a week later, and he only even managed it because Pyro was sitting and eating next to him, their knee pressing into his own and bringing him enough comfort to broach the topic. Engie was immediately supportive, and ended the conversation with a pat on his shoulder and by saying he was proud of him for having to courage to say something.

That gave Scout a burst of confidence, and he ended up dragging Pyro around for the rest of the day as he came out to other teammates as well, first Demo and Soldier right after battle (Soldier needed an additional few moments of explanation but overall they were both glad to hear the news), then Medic and Heavy where they were sitting playing chess in the common room (once Heavy got past the language barrier, he offered Scout a solemn high-five in solidarity, which he accepted gratefully). Sniper was reserved for the next day, outside where he was setting up the grill to take his turn making the team dinner (he was a little awkward for a moment, clearly a bit confused and not having expected anyone to come talk to him, but once he caught on to what Scout was saying he offered one of his rare smiles and a few supportive words).

Oddly enough, Spy was the one that made him the most nervous for reasons he couldn’t pin down, maybe partially because he didn’t bring Pyro along, but he probably handled it the most easily, treating it as no big deal at all, simply pausing for a moment before giving a flippant “Alright. Was that all, mon ami?” and shooing him back out of his smoking room shortly after.

“Look at you,” Pyro said appraisingly when he showed up to hang out in their room, clapping him on the shoulder, clearly noticing the fact that he was practically glowing.

“Didn’t even get beat up or shoved in a locker,” he said cheerfully.

Pyro looked at him for another second or two before they finally just swept him up in a hug, squeezing him almost too-tight in their excitement. “I’m so proud of you!” they exclaimed softly, and he returned the hug, burying his face in their hair when he became sure that he wouldn’t get in trouble for it, surprised and delighted by how very nice it smelled. Vanilla-y and a little coconut-y, warm like everything else about them.

It was only through the combination of circumstances—riding the nervous high from being newly-out for the first time in his life, and being all wrapped up in a hug with his best friend, and his nose being greeted by the smell of the very appealing shampoo they apparently used—that he got the exact level of confidence to do what he did next. They pulled away from the hug finally to look up at him with that same proud smile, and he leaned down and kissed them square on the mouth.

It was three or four seconds before he pulled away again with a tiny, almost-inaudible little smeck. He smiled down at them, feeling the wildly spinning combination of euphoria and fear and excitement and apprehension and thrill and terror swirling around in his chest. Their lips were slightly parted, and they stared up at him with wonder. If he ever drew the moment, he would probably draw Pyro’s pupils in the shape of little hearts, the way they were looking at him just then.

“Oh,” they said breathlessly, and laughed a little. “So you were serious when you said you’d go for someone like me, then?”

Scout laughed, couldn’t stifle it, rising up through his chest alongside his heart. “Yeah, duh,” he said, voice tinted a little higher than usual.

“Well shit, then get back down here,” Pyro said, and tugged on his shirt, and he readily obliged.

#tf2 #team fortress 2 #pyroscout #flashfire #shut up me #my fanfiction #everybody talks #that's the last request in my inbox lads!! we've done it!!

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animegenork · 4 years ago

Text

Thoughts on Ivan Chapter 5

And so, here we are. I’m finally doing this.

As a disclaimer: I’m very very very very very very late, and I know that. But I also needed to finish the chapter before having official thoughts on it. (Because that makes sense.)

And now, I can.

I made a Google Doc to write down my reactions each day I played, as I am free 2 play and needed to keep track of this stuff. So here is the entirety of the mess that is my reacting to this chapter. (I’m putting all this under the cut so those who don’t care don’t gotta deal with this.)

TL;DR: Eloise and Ivan both fucked up. Eloise didn’t trust Ivan enough and ended up breaking Ivan’s trust. Now they’re at a bit of a stalemate because valid feeling vs. valid feeling = hella heated argument. [You’ll have to actually read to get the full story behind this.]

There we are. This was about 11 pages in Google Doc form. I had a lot of thoughts about this chapter.

I’m probably going to reference a couple things from this post I did where I dove into Ivan’s head a little bit. If you want to know more, take a read. I, uh... I ended up being really accurate, and I’m still freaked out.

To be clear, I bounced back and forth throughout this chapter on how I felt about Eloise and Ivan’s actions and words. And let me make a defining statement about my stance:

Eloise and Ivan both fucked up.

They did. Don’t try to convince me otherwise.

Eloise

I made a post once wondering why people were mad about Eloise being jealous. Because let’s face it: jealousy exists. I can tell you a story of a coworker of mine whose ex-girlfriend would consistently harangue him about our other coworker simply because she existed in the same room as him. Jealousy is some powerful shit.

Fans of otome games may not like it or want to deal with the past lovers/jealousy trope, but honestly it’s necessary. Romance ain’t a perfect science, and the more obstacles you have to go through to be with the one you love, the better it’ll be. But this post isn’t about that.

I understand Eloise a lot here. She’s met this Constance, who meant the WORLD to Ivan, and she knows how (seemingly) perfect she is. HELL, I WOULD BE INSECURE TOO. Eloise is insecure; she wonders if perhaps she can ever measure up to this past lover that Ivan had. She’s starting to experience feelings she may not quite understand, and that’s perfectly okay.

However, she kinda went about it all wrong.

Okay, sure. If I heard about my crush going and seeing his past lover during the day (risking life and limb to do so), I’d be a little suspicious. Maybe the “stalker” or “obsessed” thought would cross my mind. BUT if I remembered that Ivan was clinging to humanity AND realized that letting someone go who means the world to you is incredibly difficult, I would probably be more rational than Eloise. Honestly, Ivan’s big mistake here is letting Eloise find out about this outings because they poisoned her mind a bit.

Now, she could have asked him, “Okay, but why follow her?” Because that would have made more sense than doing the exact thing she was (mentally) calling him out for. But no. She did the same thing. And she found she was unable to hate this woman who, now remarried, used to completely hold Ivan’s heart.

What really ticks me off is that she did this because she didn’t believe him when he said he doesn’t feel the same way about Constance as he used to. She didn’t trust him enough to take him at his word. I mean, he’s a vampire, so I guess fully trusting him is off the table, even though she was fully admiring his shirtless form like 6 seconds ago (I mean, so was I), but anyway.

In the end, Ivan gets mad (UNDERSTANDABLY), and they argue because Eloise has somehow become a little obsessed with this Constance idea. Do you remember what I said about my coworker? His ex was ALSO obsessed with the idea of someone else in his life. It’s a pretty valid concern, and honestly, considering the way I argue with people, I don’t think Eloise’s freak out during the argument is completely unjustified. When you’re insecure, you are trying your DAMNEDEST to prove that there is merit to your worries.

I really sympathized with Eloise at the end of the chapter. She was convinced she’d ruined whatever it is she has with Ivan and that she should’ve kept her big mouth shut. This is exactly how I feel at the end of really bad arguments.

Poor Eloise. She’s never been in a relationship, right? So of course things would go wrong in the first one. But that doesn’t mean she needs to lose hope!

Ivan

I might get rant-y here. Only because some things people have said have PISSED. ME. OFF. Especially in relation to what I now know. (I’m not about to address the claim that Ivan needs a straitjacket now, but it might come in the future, if my newly-acquired knowledge of the definition of psychopathy has anything to say about it.)

Okay, so. Ivan definitely could have been a little clearer when he explained his relationship with Constance. He certainly could have clarified his exact reasons for going to the Village during the day. But with the bits and pieces I gathered, it was... I don’t know, obvious? When you care for someone as much as Ivan cared for Constance, you’re going to wonder how they’re faring after your sudden disappearance. It’s a thing in fiction where if X Character disappears, they wonder how life back home is going.

That might just be me over analyzing character motivations again. Sorry. (It’s an English/Creative Writing major thing.)

Still, this boy trusted that Eloise would give him space after he dug into this painful wound of his. He trusted that she wouldn’t ask anymore until he was ready to go back to poking it. But instead, she went and investigated on her own. Not only does that speak of her not trusting him, but now, how can he trust her when she did this?

I wanna note that before shit hit the fan (i.e. the argument), Ivan was perfectly content with Eloise visiting him. He was ecstatic that she would come to him so early in the night. When she gave him the plant, he BEAMED! He told her that he didn’t think he deserved to care for something like a plant! HE TOLD HER THAT THE FACT THAT SHE GAVE IT TO HIM MADE IT MORE BEAUTIFUL!

Have I mentioned I was sobbing at this part?

I’m not about to go into the nuances of the Chalice-vampire bond, because not much has been explained about it. However, Eloise did, in fact, say something that was very like Constance (all flower-knowledgeable and such), and the fact that that BRIEF tidbit clued her in to Eloise’s actions is interesting. So, yeah. He gets mad that Eloise went to see Constance in person, because that is, in fact, an invasion of his privacy in many ways. It’s like if I went to see my boyfriend’s ex in person just because he gave me a name. (I don’t have a boyfriend, and I wouldn’t do that. Just by the way.) But before that...

You know what I didn’t see in people’s reactions to Chapter 5? How worried Ivan was about us. He saw that Eloise wasn’t acting like herself. And he asked THREE TIMES (count ‘em in my reactions above, he asked THREE TIMES) if she was okay. The THIRD time, he said, “Did I do something wrong?”

I want someone to explain to me how in the fucking world this clues us in to him not caring about us. But anyway.

This concern, in fact, comes up when Ivan starts yelling at Eloise about being reckless. Because she was. Going too far from Ivan fucks with the Chalice bond, AND she did it during the day (and nearly got burnt real bad), AND there’s a murderer on the loose, AND Vlad could’ve found out. What I think a lot of people looked past was that there was concern behind Ivan’s anger. Anger based on concern is a helluva drug, and Ivan was high on that.

So, Eloise broke Ivan’s trust and endangered herself while doing it. And people are mad at Ivan? Okay. Cool. Good to know.

You know what was really crazy about all of this? A lot of the things Ivan said in this chapter really resonated with the post I linked above. I didn’t actually know Ivan didn’t take change (which had fucked him over in the past) well, but he directly said so. I didn’t actually know for sure that Ivan saw Constance as the embodiment of what he’d lost when he turned vamp, BUT HE ACTUALLY SAID IT (the part labeled, “OH MY GOD. OH. MY. GOD.”). I only vaguely understood that Ivan had a hard time coping with his transformation and feared that he was gonna ruin his relationship with Eloise. And yet! I ended up hitting the nail right on the head! I can’t tell if this means I’m magical or that I’m too good at diving into character’s heads.

The best part is that Ivan is the one to call an end to the shouting match. I’m kinda glad he kissed her, first of all, because there were some logical fallacies and circular arguing going on PLUS all of the emotions both were feeling PLUS the Chalice bond fucking them up a bit, SO it kinda served to tell him, “We gotta stop.” He basically says (and this is a paraphrase), “Okay, you go chill, and I’ll stay here and chill, because we’re both very angry and should probably calm down.” RATIONAL IVAN.

I’m really, REALLY confused why people are bashing him left and right (and I WOULD bring up the straitjacket thing again BUT).

[Side Note: I think at the beginning of Chapter 6, he ended up going out anyway because after an argument like THAT, how do you NOT get stuck in your own head and need to leave?]

Final Thoughts

This could all be bullshit. Even the parts where I directly quote what the English version of this chapter gave me. I could be going in too deep for the sake of defending Ivan. But what the Moonlight Lovers fandom needs to remember is that nobody ever said Ivan’s route was going to be easy. I got my fluff. I got some damn good fluff in this chapter, too. I NEVER expected things to NOT go to shit for the sake of the overarching plot. I expected it. That’s the point of this game, for God’s sake: things go to shit because of [PLOT].

There are two main things I think some people may have forgotten.

1. Eloise is allowed to be jealous. I’m sorry the past-lover-jealousy trope isn’t everybody’s cup of tea, but I, personally, find it realistic. Maybe she went about it in the wrong way (although we got some hefty dramarama), but I empathize. I’m hecka insecure; I would be acting very similarly to her.

2. Ivan does, in fact, have a point. He has multiple, actually. I don’t blame him for going further into the “so I would go out to see her-” thing, because how does one properly explain something like that to someone who doesn’t know them that well?!?! Plus, his concern is very clear throughout this chapter, so treating him like he has no emotions/doesn’t give a damn about Eloise is pretty fucking stupid. Perhaps he’s acting rather selfishly most of the time, but do you think Vlad and Bel were entirely selfless 24/7? HELL, I’D BE SELFISH TOO. LOOK HOW FUCKED UP HIS LIFE HAS GOTTEN SINCE HE BECAME A VAMP.

I didn’t really ever plan on doing this post, not until I saw people giving Ivan a lot of shit. Frankly, I’m giving him some shit as well. Considering how close in age Eloise and Ivan are, I’m really not surprised shit hit the fan in this chapter, especially with the decisions both of them made.

But then, I still enjoyed it.

So, yeah. I actually enjoyed this chapter. I was tossed back and forth between empathizing with Eloise and Ivan so much that my conclusion - that both of them had a point and both of them had valid feelings and reactions - was not one I thought I’d make when I went in.

And if anybody else actually happened to find merit in this chapter, don’t be afraid to say so. Hell, you can DM me and tell me EXACTLY why you found merit with it. I don’t mind.

Final Final Thoughts

This is a stupid random thought, but. When did Eloise and Ivan become parts of my psyche incarnate??? Like I empathized with them WAYYYYYY too much. Was this chapter written specifically for me? For a real person who’s felt many of these things before?

Beemoov, did you specifically write Ivan’s route for me? As flattered as I am, this is kinda weird. I didn’t expect to see myself so much in the MC of this game, but here we are.

I’m just bullshitting please no one roast me for having a huge ego it’s just that the coincidence was too uncanny

#moonlight lovers #ml ivan #ml ivan chapter 5 #ml eloise #they both fucked up and i stand by this statement #i'm back on my bullshit sorry #but also not sorry #i stand by everything i said #ivan stans unite #gen rambling again #but not really #this is not rambling in the least #i'm tired now #i crawled into too many character's heads the past few days

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socknonny · 4 years ago

Photo

I took advantage of @gothyringwald ‘s open invite to do this one because it looked fun 😂 I took this weirdly seriously and had a lot of trouble narrowing it down... I have favourite songs that overtake some of these albums in their entirety (Dancing with Myself), but if I couldn’t label the whole album a fave I didn’t include it. So these are albums I’ll listen to all through over and over, and they either soothe or enliven me in some way. So, top 7! 1. Painkiller, Judas Priest. This list mostly isn’t in order, except for number one ahaha, this is hands down my favourite album of all time, and listening to it makes me remember how much I love being alive. If I can ever nail the drum opening to painkiller, I will die a happy lady

2. The Mask and the Mirror, Loreena McKennit. Beautiful, soul stirring, enriching. I used to listen to this album as I went to sleep every night when I was 13. Sometimes I still do.

3. Anthem of the Peaceful Army, Greta Van Fleet. Incredible album, and their concert was one of the best I’ve been to, which is saying a lot. Shame it was also one of the loudest, and I legitimately have damage in my left ear because of it. Still love it though.

4. Born to Die, Paradise edition, Lana del Rey. Every song on this is incredible, and also burned into my brain because it was almost my sole playlist for the last project I completed. 10/10 would listen for a year on repeat again, and I can’t sing Dark Paradise without crying.

5. Shout at the Devil, Motley Crue. Makes me feel as alive as Judas Priest, and also like I’m living in the 80s whereas Priest is timeless. Running out of things to say because I’m doped up on pain meds and my back is in agony, which seems an appropriate comment on a motley album now I think about it.

6. Deep Forest, Deep Forest. Forget feeling alive, forget falling asleep--this transports me to another world, and 90% of the time it’s a better one than here. Also used to listen to this while falling asleep. Which means basically half of these songs make me go to sleep and the other half make me bounce around the room. Never said I wasn’t a woman of extremes.

7. The Long Black Veil, The Chieftains. Was very torn about this last one, and I’m still not sure if it should have been replaced by the Black album, Metallica. But given how many times I’ve listened to it, it’s probably accurate. Lively Irish folk music puts this one firmly in the middle of making me feel alive and making me feel soothed ala Loreena McKennit style.

Edit: just got to Ferny Hill on the album and yeah no this is it. Go home Metallica. You’re not needed here.

I can’t think anymore. Back hurts. If you want to do this please go absolutely buckwild and tag me. I have very little joys available lying here staring at the ceiling and wishing for the sweet embrace of death, or my osteopath appointment, whichever arrives first.

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the-writer-needs-to-know · 4 years ago

Text

Writing Characters With Glasses (Or if you’re getting glasses... a heads-up):

(This is a long list, but it may be helpful)

Glasses Problems:

First, them getting dirty.

Second, they can be uncomfortable.

Third, getting new prescriptions.

Fourth, losing them.

Fifth, breaking them.

Additional Information

1 - Dirty Glasses/Cleaning Them:

-Glasses get dirty no matter what we do all day, though we don’t always clean them every day, or every week, or even every month.

-When they get dirty enough, we might take them off because they hinder our ability to see and I hate wearing them anyway

-Rain affects glasses like it does a car window: you can’t see anymore without windshield wipers. (As an added bonus for wearing glasses, people can get better at seeing through rainy windows.)

-When we wipe off our glasses on our shirt/pants/nearest cloth-like object, it doesn’t clean them completely—sometimes it even makes them worse.

-We have special a cleaning cloth and a spray bottle given to us for our glasses when we get them, but when these get old or run out, paper towels (though they may scratch the glasses) and Windex (or whatever you use to clean your mirrors/windows) are good substitutes.

-People clean their glasses at different rates. Don’t expect my best friend’s to be as clean as mine. (I don’t know how she sees with those). I myself am a little obsessive over cleaning my glasses. I do it almost every day I wear them.

2 - Uncomfortable:

-When you’re new to wearing glasses, your ears will hurt. A lot. Specifically the part where the glasses lay, the highest part where your ears connect to your head.

-Even when you’ve had them a long time, they can hurt if you wear them too long. For instance, you’ve been up all day and all night and all day again, and you’ve had them on the entire time. Ugh.

-Speaking (or typing) of wearing them too long, they press against your head. So it’s not just your ears that hurt, it’s your head too.

-Falling asleep with them on is the worst if you fidget in your sleep. They can get in the most painful positions... Additionally, if you want to go to sleep (like on a long car ride) they will prevent you from doing so.

-They can give you headaches when you start wearing them. They can give you headaches when you stop wearing them.

-They can make certain hairstyles and hair accessories uncomfortable.

-They either slide around or are too tight, unless by some miracle they fit you perfectly.

3 - New Prescriptions/New Glasses/Contacts:

-We go to the eye doctor on a regular basis to get new glasses. Normally, it’s once a year for me. My father can go for three, five, maybe ten years before replacing his. It varies, but kids typically get them around grade 4 and replace them every year.

-New glasses cost around $100-$200. Here’s when I interrupt with an add for Zenni Optical (https://www.zennioptical.com/) These glasses cost only $20-$35! It has saved a lot of money.

Every time we get a prescription, we have to see an eye doctor. I’ll go over the procedures at the bottom of this post.

-Switching to contacts involves a testing period where you see if they’ll even fit with your eyes or if you have some kind of reaction, leaving you stuck with glasses. Once you get contacts, you can only wear them for a few hours before they begin to hurt. (Normally this is anywhere from 3-8)

4 - Losing Your Glasses:

-Can you see your bedroom floor? No? Then you might be unable to tell me where your glasses are. I’m currently missing mine, but since I can see without them (I only suffer in the one eye) and I’m lazy, I’m not searching for them, although it’s been weeks.

-Thanks to this, if someone who usually loses their glasses comes to school/work/a regularly visited place wearing their glasses, they will get greeted with “Hey! Did you get glasses?” (To which I respond: “Nope! I just lost mine.”)

-You can also lose them somewhere you’ll never find them again. For example, in the woods, off a cliff, in the ocean, at school when you can’t find them in the lost-and-found, or at an event.

5 - Breaking Glasses:

-Have you ever read a scene like “She walked over the broken glass with caution, panic rising in her as she stared in horror- drama drama drama”? This is breaking our glasses (only we’re staring at our glasses, not whatever it was). This is it. Especially if that pair actually fit. Especially if that pair was perfect.

-Did you ever hear of the excuse ‘my dog ate my homework’? Replace ‘homework’ with ‘glasses’. (This happened to me more than once. “Who’s a good boy?” Not my dog!)

-They are not as fragile as they’re made out to be. They can even survive a punch to the face, believe or not, so long as the person punching is a second grader without experience in martial arts, or as long as the person punches like a kid.

-Dropping them is typically fine, but if you drop them on something like concrete, you’ll get a few scratches on them. They won’t break just from being dropped, though, unlike phones.

-Whenever you break them, you have to get a replacement. You don’t necessarily need to set up another eye appointment, though; you can use your old prescription if you want.

Additional Information:

-We have glasses cases in which to store them, and it’s best to keep them on your nightstand or on the bathroom counter. We lose these too. We get a new one with each pair, and I like to keep my old ones and use them for storing my things.

-We don’t always get the cleaning spray with them, but the cloths are normally consistent.

-Everyone’s glasses look different. We all have our preferences. There are different colors and frame shapes, and metal or plastic frames. I like my basic plastic frames in a dark blue or black color.

-Most people have very different prescriptions, meaning someone’s glasses not able to be used by someone else. (It can still be fun to exchange them, although I’ve heard this harms the eyes.)

-Here are images of cleaning cloths and glasses cases:

Eye Doctor Appointment Procedures (Which may not be accurate for everyone, but this is what it’s like for me):

1. Set up appointment, as you would a normal doctor’s appointment.

2. Arrive and wait for ages. The waiting room will look like a normal waiting room most of the time, though it’s normally smaller—around seven seats, maybe. (I always liked sitting on the carpet)

3. Someone will call your name and take you to the back, where someone (sometimes the same person) will have three (?) machines) I don’t remember too well—the doctors’ offices all give me weird dissociation and mess with my memory—but they’ll have you rest your chin on part of the machine and your forehead on another. Every time, they’ll tell you not to blink.

4. The first machine will take a picture of your eyes. They’ll have you look into the machine.

5. The second has a picture of a farmhouse and field brought in and out of focus.

6. Lastly, the machine will blow a puff of air into your eyes to test reflexes, or something. (A lady who tested my eyes once joked that it took your eyes out to clean them and put them back in before you could feel anything other than the puff of air)

7. After the machines, you’ll be taken to a room and told to sit on the weird chair and wait.

8. Once the doctor arrives, he’ll ask a few questions then test different lenses, labeling them numbers 1-10 and asking you which one makes the letters on the screen in front of you look most clear.

Behold, the lense-mixer (it’s actually called a phoropter):

9. You’re magically given a new prescription, and you can either get frames there or off a website. It’ll take a while to get your prescriptions.

I hope this was helpful!

#writing #writers #writingcharacterswithglasses #glasses

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boredinterview · 5 years ago

Conversation

Libby Jansing on self-care, snickerdoodles, and divinity.

H: what are you wearing?

L: I’m wearing a striped rainbow sweater and this corduroy jumper thing my aunt got me for Christmas like two years ago. it was hers when she was younger and she gave it to me. she’s like “I saw it and I thought of you!” she’s my godmother.

H: my nanny texted me this morning when I was at cece’s, this picture of these overalls she saw on a facebook ad. she was like “these look like you”, they had like flowers all up and down.

L: that’s so sweet, I love that! I call my grandma nanny too.

H: oh yeah! I feel like we’ve talked about that before.

L: yeah, I love when other people call their grandma, nanny. It’s so sweet. my grandpa who I didn’t really know—he died when I was little—but we called him poppy.

H: dude! I call my grandpa pops, but then on my other side of my family, my dads mom is called grandy. which, she chose that name for herself. she started enforcing it when I was in the womb. and my grandpa, he died when I was little too, but we called him pawpaw.

L: that’s really sweet, I love that. my catholic grandparents were just grandma and grandpa which is like such catholic shit.

H: basic, straightforward, down to business. No frills whatsoever.

L: exactly!

H: so, describe your idea of self-care.

L: I think for me it shifts and changes depending on how I’m feeling. I’ve been really focusing on astrology lately and I think the transits really effect how I interact and take care of myself. It’s been a lot of trying to start new things which I think is because of aries season. starting new things—not even necessarily finishing them—but just starting them is making me feel good. and honestly still just like taking baths every day.

H: yeah, that’s so nice. what kind of new things have you been starting? like creative projects?

L: I’ve started a few things. I’m still working on five commissions that I have left which are projects I need to prioritize since you know they’re for people. I’ve been paid for them so I have to finish them, but I’m getting close on all of them which is good. I purchased a printer so I can print off the shipping labels.

H: hell yeah, that’s great!

L: also my friend Kelly and I are starting a podcast!

H: (excited gasp)

L: it’s an astrology podcast. we also talk about politics, we just have the best interactive mercury signs with one another. I have a gemini mercury and hers is in aries so we just talk talk talk and can’t stop. I’m always thinking constantly but I don’t always take note, I’m better at communicating my ideas out loud rather than writing them out so I’m excited to be communicating on a level like that.

H: yes! that’s so good.

L: yeah, so that’s been fun. I’ve been baking a lot too which I don’t really do usually.

H: amazing. what have you made?

L: I made snickerdoodles the other day just because I had those ingredients in the apartment and like.. they were so good! I felt like I did a really good job.

H: I love snickerdoodle ice cream.

L: snickerdoodles I think are my favorite cookies. I love cinnamon.

H: same! what is something that brings you joy lately?

L: I watch the British baking show a lot, and that brings me joy.

H: I love that show. I need to catch up on it, I know they switched out some of the hosts right? Like Mary Berry isn’t on it anymore.

L: I don’t think anyone’s the same. I haven’t watched the new seasons at all. like the two hosts—I don’t know anyone’s name on it at all—they’re introduced like every episode and I can never remember any names except for Mary Berry. her name is so easy. I know most of them are gone now though.

H: the old ones are nostalgic.

L: it totally does feel like that.

H: okay, what do you miss?

L: I miss thrifting honestly. going to antique stores and just looking at things. I don’t miss buying things, I miss browsing. also I really miss my friends.

H: I feel you. I miss both of those things a lot too.

L: yeah! I miss flea markets.

H: I’ve been so tired of all my clothes too which is so inconvenient! I’m trying to think what I can do at home to alter my clothes.

L: same! I don’t want to online shop for anything that isn’t essential either cause I just feel like that’s shitty.

H: I know. I feel like it’s a little bit irresponsible in a lot of cases.

L: yeah same. I’m also excited to get back in the studio. tommy and I are sharing that studio in Brighton.

H: yeah! the space looks great!

L: it’s part of sew valley. it isn’t really working right now, like their production isn’t going right now. I’m just excited to make clothes but I think I’m going to start crocheting clothes as well.

H: yeah that’s awesome you can just make new shit! It’s a good skill.

what do you not miss?

L: I do not miss working at all. honestly I’ve needed to go to therapy less during this time.

H: (laughing)

L: it’s fucked up. literally that’s how bad capitalism is. like, it’s shitty both ways because I’m not making any money right now and unemployment is really hard to get for whatever reason, but I’m so happy to not be at a restaurant every day. Honestly I think I’ve decided to go to a state school and get my masters in something. I’m thinking about going back to school—that’s what this time is giving me.

H: that’s awesome!

L: yeah.

H: the restaurant industry is so crazy sometimes because it feels like every single day just piles on and you don’t really have time to consider shit like that.

L: not at all.

H: you’re just so spent all the time.

L: yeah I was constantly tired. It was really hard to make things during that time too, I found myself very mentally exhausted all the time. I don’t have the temperament or personality to be a host. I can fake being sweet in that position but it’s hard to be on all the time.

H: yeah, I think that’s the hardest part about it. If you’re having an off day talking to the people who don’t care about you and don’t show you respect is really difficult.

L: yes. that’s exactly it. there’s always people that you meet who are nice, but even people who are kind to you and nice—it can still be exhausting after a while.

H: yeah it’s just so high volume.

L: yes!

H: what is something beautiful you’ve seen lately?

L: there’s a german sheperd that lives above me and this dog is so beautiful. sometimes it sounds like there’s a horse above me (laughing) but this dog is so pretty. I love seeing him every day.

H: that’s beautiful, I love that. that’s a great answer to that question.

describe your concept of divinity.

L: that is such an intense question but I love it. I had a super religious upbringing, going to a catholic school all my life and like even my preschool was Christian. I think I went to one year of public school when I was five. it was a young fives program and it was like… fucking amazing. the public school systems are amazing, we were like planting things in the ground. I think because of that it really engrained in me a need for ritual. catholics are very ritualistic. It’s a very clear stepping stone to me to get into my own spirituality. when I realized, you know—christianity isn’t it. It’s not great. It’s not for me and I don’t think it’s like, net good for the world. I always felt spiritual and connected whether it’s like to other people or the divinity in each other. I feel like everyone has divinity within themselves and it’s just about accessing it and respecting it. I feel like I more so practice it than I know what it is. you know what I mean?

H: totally, it’s a feeling.

L: yeah absolutely. I don’t know what it is. astrology is super important to my spiritual practice and tarot. I don’t know how it works, but it works you know? I don’t understand how these things happen. I love mystery and the mystical. I would be so bummed if I didn’t have that in my life. things that you can’t explain—I think that to me is what divinity is. I see it around me all the time.

H: thank you so much, that was awesome to hear.

L: I love that question. what is it for you, harris?

H: oh man! now I’m being interviewed. I am coming from a similar mind as you. I was not raised religious. I have people in my family like my grandparents are christians but even then we only went to church when I was really little so it didn’t have like a lasting effect on me. in terms of religion I was afraid that it might be real just because of hell, and then I rejected that pretty early once I started to like feel …gay. I was like “this doesn’t add up.”

L: yeah! harris, when I was little and I was like “oh… girls are pretty” probably around eight or something—my reaction was like “I’m going to be a nun when I’m older so I don’t have to think about sex” genuinely! That was my reaction.

H: wow!

L: I feel like I didn’t reject it, I went extreme. that’s like the guilt that comes especially with catholicism, it’s a religion built on guilt. it’s like even if you are worthy of god you’re still a sinner, it’s all built on guilt and like how shit you are as a person. it’s not great, you know? but you started to reject it after you were feeling gay?

H: yeah I stopped putting any stock into religion at all. but I have always been very spiritual as well. I’ve always felt like similar to you, a feeling of connection with my surroundings and things I can’t see or explain. I love astrology because it’s this weird cosmic thing that is just so fun to talk and learn about and somehow rings true. I don’t understand how it’s so accurate but it is. I love the moon (laughing) I love—not to get all over here with it—

L: get over there with it!

H: (laughing) I think poetry is a part of it for me as well, just conjuring things up that feel like they come from somewhere else. there are things that are impossible to understand which is crazy and cool.

L: yeah, I love that. that’s beautiful. thank you harris.

H: yes, thank you!

the next question, what’s your favorite body part?

L: oh my god my favorite body part. I feel like hands are my favorite utility. I’m so grateful for my hands, I think about it all the time. the cutest part for me though is definitely noses. everyone has a good nose.

H: I agree, I agree.

L: it’s such a fixation for people, like an insecurity but I literally see everyone’s nose and I’m like “that’s a cute nose.”

H: yeah! there’s no such thing as a bad nose.

L: no, noses are amazing, I love them. and I feel like smell is such an interesting sense too. it’s so connected with taste. do you remember that chef’s table episode where the chef has cancer on his tongue and he loses the ability to taste and smell the food?

H: yeah!

L: I think about that a lot. smell and taste is so important especially if your life is devoted to it. it does bring a different aspect of joy to life. the external part of it but its function too.

H: yeah, its amazing that he was able to continue and find new ways of creating with food.

L: yeah, so cool!

H: tell me something stupid.

L: (laughing) I could say so many things. because I’m in this new space, this new apartment, my body hasn’t figured out how to be in it yet. I live very much from the shoulders up.

H: YES!

L: and like, from shoulders down we don’t really know what’s happening. it’s a mind of its own. I’m very clumsy. my dad used to call me a bull in a china shop when I was growing up, and that rings true! I’m genuinely not aware of my body. I feel like that’s the gemini stellium, I’m very in the brain and not where the body is. I keep hitting this part of my leg in the same spot every single day and I have this giant bruise. It’s getting bigger because I keep hitting it. It’s in the bathroom, the toilet is just in this location that my body hasn’t gotten adjusted to. it’s the outside of my knee.

H: fuck. you’re body just isn’t with it yet.

L: it usually isn’t with it and in this moment it just has no idea.

H: I hope you start adjusting soon!

L: me too Harris! I think I will. tommy said it’s probably just a matter of time.

H: (laughing) I don’t love that for you but I love it.

L: it’s one of those things I’ll cry in frustration about and then laugh over how silly that is.

H: do you have any confessions to make?

L: (laughing) forgive me harris for I have sinned! confessions, oh my god. I’m transported. probably, you know! I hear my neighbor groaning and moaning a lot and I feel like I’m being too hard on him, you know what I mean? I feel like he’s just a person but my brain is taking me to this place. I feel like he’s an incel that’s going to kill me, and I know that’s irrational. he’s probably just living his life. I have to be careful for myself. I feel like I judge people too hard from a safety standpoint sometimes but I think that’s also without a basis.

Madison: I feel like you’re really good at meeting people though and then changing it. you’re good at not letting your initial judgements cloud when you meet someone.

L: thank you so much Madison, that makes me feel a lot better. I feel like my scorpio rising energy makes me not trust people right away but I try to not let that influence too much. sometimes you have to listen to your intuition but I don’t want it to get in the way of me treating people like people.

H: totally! I also feel like that instinct comes from a place of being a person in the world who is vulnerable. the hesitation is understandable. it’s not necessarily bad.

L: I’m okay having it and I should listen to myself when I’m really feeling something but I don’t want it to get in the way of treating people with humanity, that’s my fear with it. I want to be actively aware of that portion in my brain that jumps there immediately.

H: that’s a practice everybody should be doing definitely.

L: yes, in multiple ways.

H: to bring it to a close I’m going to ask you a series of one word questions.

wanting?

L: food. I’m hungry.

H: wishing?

L: I’m always wishing. fantasy, that’s me. I’m always a little bit in the clouds sometimes.

H: advice?

L: If you have any I’ll take it.

H: I’ll get back to you on that.

L: anyone who feels like they have advice to give me, I’m open. I’m usually not for unsolicited advice but I’m asking for it right now.

H: allowing?

L: myself and others to make more mistakes and not punish them for it. holding people accountable but allowing people to grow and make mistakes.

H: doing?

L: doing crafts! yeah. that’s my answer.

#interview boredinterview

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masaru2042 · 6 years ago

Text

Hippity Hoppity, Stay off Railway Property!

Told as an r/entitledparents style parody. What the engines really do have to deal with when it comes to entitled passengers.

So, I’m Dana. I’m a driver of a sapient steam engine on a particular island that was made famous by a preacher writing a bunch of children’s books. I’m the driver of the NWR #4 who pulls the Wild Norwester, aka the Express, a 4-6-2 Gresley A1/A3 Pacific known as Gordon. Just a little background for those of you who don’t know who that is. Gordon was the prototype for the A1 Pacifics designed by Nigel Gresley in 1922. The only other A1 Pacific built in Doncaster by Nigel Gresley is Gordon’s younger brother Scott Gresley, aka the Flying Scotsman. The reason why Gordon is now an A1/A3 is due to a rebuilt restoring him to his original shape as ordered from Doncaster, removing his straight Sudrian, white frame, and providing him with a Kylchap double exhaust to optimize fuel and water efficiency. He also was outfitted with corridor tenders and his Sudrian frame and Fowler tender are now on display at the Sodor Railway Museum in Vicarstown.

And me? Well, I’m a transplant from Tennessee if anyone wonders why I’m not spelling in the English style, or using British slang. Or BR and NWR terminology. And Gordon’s fireman is a funny guy named Josh with an equally funny boyfriend named Brian. They both act like my big brothers. And Gordon tends to act like my no-nonsense grandpa...among other things. But we won’t get into those.

And just in case some of you still haven’t caught on. Yes, he’s that big huge jerk from the Thomas and Friends show with the models.

Well, during the summer months, we get a lot of vacationers (holiday goers for you in the UK), and yes, lots of tourists. Thanks to those books and the show, people do come from all over the world to actually see what the real engines are like. And a lot of time, there’s a lot of dissonance from the fans who are expecting the engines to act like they do on the show. They don’t. None of them do. Henry isn’t a hypochondriac that complains about every little thing he’s feeling sick over, he’s in fact a very calculating, and intelligent person who pretty much knows secrets about everyone...even me when I had first come to Sodor! Seriously, he’s really creepy! Especially when he’s asking questions in a way to phish for information. If Henry had a computer and actual hands, I have a feeling he might try to get into every government server on the planet just to see what personal secrets he could find. Henry should be working with INTERPOL not the Northwestern Railway.

Thomas is very mellow thanks to his age, Percy actually can’t stand it when people think he’s a kid when in reality he’s older than Edward! And he acts like it too. The only one the show actually got accurate was James. Yes, James is very full of himself. Not as much as he is in the show, but he loves puffing around like he’s the king. And Edward is pretty much a down to Earth guy. And Emily acts like that older neighbor your mom knows who’s been around the world and back again and loves asking about your sign. Yeah, that older neighbor. The one with the bead necklace, the incense, and flowers in her hair. I swear to God, she’s been to San Francisco. Interesting little tidbit, Emily is the original Flying Scotsman! No joke!

Well, it was a rather steamy and hot, summer day on the Island of Sodor, and yes I know what that sounds like!

We weren’t pulling the Express at this moment, we were actually just doing a tour excursion. This is normal, it allows the tourists to ride the engines belonging to the “Steam Team” as the kiddies call it. Something the engines belonging to this “Team” roll their eyes about the label. And not in the comical way the models did. The “uh-huh, whatever” kind of eye roll, and just chuff on by, not really caring.

So, it was our turn to take the train around, letting the tourists feel what it’s like to ride one of the fastest non-streamlined steam engines in the world. And the one who actually did win the Great Race, even if he nearly killed himself doing so...beating out a diesel-electric and breaking his safety valve in the process. This is something Gordon doesn’t like talking about, despite setting a world record in the process. But still, we did give the guests a proper ride.

Best way to describe Gordon gliding down the rails. He’s basically like an antique expensive roadster. You can tell the moment you tap your foot on the gas that he’s gonna floor it and show you what speed really feels like. Not your grandma’s station wagon, I’ll tell you that! Gordon, much like all the other engines, is always kept up to specs. He pretty much runs as good as the day he popped out of the factory. You wouldn’t have guessed that he’s nearing 100 years old. Unlike his brother who is feeling his age no matter how many rebuilds he’s had. If you haven’t come out of the coaches noticing your body made a dent on the seat, Gordon feels like he hasn’t done his job in making you feel his speed.

That is the power of a Gresley Race Horse.

We were cruising around, well...the train equivalent...and given that Gordon has two corridor tenders now, we could cruise for a long while. Though we did have to stop a few times just for the passengers to get out take pictures of the scenery, that sort of thing. Only this particular excursion was allowed to stop on the line. Gordon was of course outfitted with special lamps to show that we had such permission to stop and were given proper notifications from our conductor of when it was safe to stop. And when we stopped the guests were ordered to either stay in the coaches, or stay back from the train and rails themselves for safety reasons.

No standing on railway property, basically.

No standing in front of the engine on the rails.

Do not get in the way of workmen and crewmen maintaining the engine.

We were making sure that folks understood this.

If they got off for pictures, they were only allowed to be on the grass. And only when they were ready to return to their coaches were they allowed to approach the train again.

Any questions they had, they could ask any of the service personnel and attendants.

And we all had radios.

We stopped, pulled over onto a siding. And just in case he needed it since there was a lot of stopping and starting and that’s when he uses a lot more water than when he’s running, we stopped on a siding near a water tower. Josh was filling up Gordon’s canteen and I turned on that little electric fan I clipped on above my station. It ran off of Gordon’s dynamo too, and I was grateful for it.

I grabbed a cold bottled water from the cooler we had stashed near the main tender and pressed it to my forehead. Already I could hear some of the kids asking “why doesn’t Gordon produce smoke from his funnel?” or “why does he smell like fish and chips?” And well, that made me laugh. A few months ago, Sir Topham Hatt converted Gordon into a waste vegetable oil burner. So, that explains the fried food smell. Honestly, it was a good thing because it often made the passengers even more hungry, which means they’d buy more food off the food cart in the Express. Josh liked it too, he didn’t have to shovel coal anymore, just playground sand with a tiny, toy shovel into a little opening in the firebox to help keep the fire tubes from getting clogged from the oil being atomized. And Gordon liked how much cleaner he ran.

I heard a few oldtimers snort about how that’s not a real steam engine anymore because of the oil burning rather than coal and then hear Gordon personally retort back: “You better tell Duck that, then! The GWR went to oil in the 1940s due to coal shortages! And don’t get me started about the poor caloric contents of today’s coal. The wasted veggie oil actually is better for me. Even Welsh coal is barely usable now. No wonder the BR switched to diesel the way it did.”

And that’s why Gordon’s a WVO burner, folks! And if any of you are wondering, yes! He can run off of diesel fuel if he has to. Which he did once, and no, unlike in the show, the real Gordon doesn’t bitch about the smell or look down upon diesel locomotives.

Well, enter our entitled family.

I wasn’t the one who first spotted this family doing something they were instructed not to do by the attendants in the coaches. That was Josh. Gordon, on the other hand, was concentrating on what the maintenance workers were doing. Tightening a lug nut, checking the mechanical lubrication injector, the lubricant levels, his exhaust steam injectors. Clearing any debris out of the way, checking the fuel levels on the coaches. Yeah, the coaches are diesel powered now. Hatt went all out! Servers were handing out drinks to the workers and the passengers.

I heard Josh call out: “Oi! You can’t stand on that! Step away from the track!”

The mother said: “We’re trying to take a group photo!”

I felt the cab tilt to the right just slightly. Gordon’s attention was now on the family as well.

Josh: “I said, you can’t stand in the middle of the track. Get back on the grass!”

I went to the fireman’s side of the cab, stuck my head out the window to see a very plump family, a rather large man, his equally large wife, and their cherry-red faced, plump kid in a horizontal striped T-shirt. I also could see the patches of sweat under their armpits. They were sweating more than I did just by stepping out of their coaches.

Then, Gordon spoke up with that big, booming, baritone voice of his. Seriously, he should moonlight as a radio host, he’s got the timbre for it!

“You heard what my fireman said, stay off the rails! It’s for your safety.”

Well, I hopped out the door from the cab and wiped my hands on my jeans.

The family wasn’t willing to listen to Gordon, no matter how commanding he made his voice sound. The father was standing on the grass with his smartphone out, taking a picture of the boy and his mother standing in between the railroad ties. He was angled in such a way to include Gordon in the picture.

“You should smile!” said the entitled father.

Gordon growled and just sneered. He wasn’t having any of it. And if I hadn’t set the main brake, he’d probably jut forth just to scare the entitled mother and entitled brat off the track as a lesson. I could hear a clacking sound, though, Gordon was flexing his friction brakes against his wheels, his way of tensing his muscles in his frustration. His jaw was set, his teeth clenched, and his brow furrowed.

“Hey!” I called. “What the hell do you think y’all doin’? Get off the track!”

I don’t think they liked my east Tennessean accent because the mother just turned and looked at me with disgust. Like she was looking down at some dirty farmhand.

I guess Gordon saw that face too, because the moment she made it, I heard a low groan from his wheels. He sounded like he was trying to fight against the brake keeping him motionless. The moment we met, he’s been rather overprotective of me. It’s cute. I could always count on him to have my back. There was an expulsion of steam from the sides of his cylinders. And he was rearing to open up his cock valves wide just to give them a good blast of hot vapor.

But the mother stood firm.

“We’re trying to get a photo! Now go back to your food cart, little missy!”

“Release the brake,” Gordon whispered, tilting towards me.

“No,” I said.

“I’ll run them over.”

“No you won’t.”

“They’ll be a bloody smear on my buffers.”

And they would once he started off. Gordon had a lot of torque in him, he could start off in a burst like a motorcycle if he wanted. And the last thing anyone wanted was 200 tons of locomotive racing for them.

“It’s not worth it.”

“How dare that harpy talk to you in such a manner, Dana!”

“It’s fine, sugar,” I said, laying my hand on a buffer. “Just breathe.”

He said aloud: “That’s my driver! She’s not a serving girl!”

I heard the father laugh: “Girls can’t be drivers.”

I get that a lot!

And the clacking sound returned.

“You’ll ruin your pads doing that,” I told Gordon.

“And I’ll need to be looked over for hypertension,” he said. “Because I can feel the pain in the back of my smokebox already. This woman…and her oaf of a husband...”

“Just breathe...in and out, Gordon.”

He took a deep breath, in through the nose, out through the mouth. It wasn’t helping, though, as I could still hear the clacking of his brakes.

Josh had jumped down from the canteen and walked over.

“You heard what they said, off the rails, please.”

They actually listened to Josh. I tend to get that a lot. They don’t want to listen to me because they think I’m some food cart lady, despite not being dressed like one, but Josh...he looked like he belonged where he was. So, he had a more air of authority than I did. I guess it was my accent and how I try to put on that Southern sweet tea charm, you know. So, they don’t take me seriously.

I’m a redneck to them, that’s all they care about.

Obviously, they were done taking pictures.

Then, the kid turned and darted for the switch.

Points on the rails are set by switches that are either manually moved into positioned, or automatically moved into position, or done so from a signalman’s box. Here, considering the remote location of this particular siding, the point had to be set by the conductor with a lever at the side of the railroad track after the conductor got the OK from RMC (Railway Mission Control) that the track was clear for Gordon to proceed. Though this siding was on the mainline, it was quite a ways from a signalman’s box, so that’s why it had to be switched by hand from the conductor.

And yes, I realize they’re called Guards in the UK and Sodor. But I did say I’m from the US...so...conductor. And Gordon loves correcting my terminology.

Well, that kid bolted for the switch, and started messing around with it.

Gordon, me, and Josh all lurched forward.

“Step away from that, kid!” I shouted.

“Don’t touch that!” bellowed Gordon.

“What are you doing?!” Josh shouted.

The point was set so that any train needing to pass this siding could. But the boy grunted and turned the point, setting the switch to the siding. This would allow Gordon to exit the siding back onto the mainline. And that was a bad! This meant any train coming through would derail from the track being set improperly.

“NO!” all three of us cried.

I darted forth and tossed the kid from the lever. Considering I worked with steam engines for a good portion of my life, I was pretty muscular and toned. And I could toss around guys bigger than me with ease. The kid hit the ballast and obviously skinned his elbow. But I wasn’t worried about that. My concern was the switch.

Whatever train would be passing by, could very well be derailed!

Who cares about a little brat and his skinned elbow? But the EM was furious.

“How dare you assault my baby!”

Baby? That lard of a kid looked like he was 8 years old!

And Gordon was cross. (Because of course I had to put that there.)

“Baby?” he asked. “Your little piglet just very well might cause a terrible accident!”

There was vitriol dripping from his words.

“He’s only playing!” called the mother. “Let him play! He’s not hurting anyone. He’s a good boy.”

“Get that crotch goblin away from the switch!” Gordon bellowed out. “Wesley!”

Crotch Goblin. God I love you, Gordon, I thought.

Wesley was our conductor. And he was a bit of a pushover especially with how Gordon boxed the poor kid’s ears with that voice of his. Wesley was kinda new to the job and most of the times he was regulated to excursion duties. Rarely did he ever serve on the Express due to his inexperience.

I could see him fiddling with his whistle, trying to straighten his hat. He was a mess. All the while, I was jerking back and forth trying to get the switch unstuck and set back correctly. These switches sometimes got stuck because of the heat.

“Y-yes, sir, Mr. Gresley,” said Wesley.

Just a little fact that many of y’all don’t know. You think we’re the ones in charge here? The show seems to make you think that, don’t it? Nope. The engines are. Especially engines with seniority like Gordon. And he made sure everyone on his team knew it. And again, the kid’s a pushover.

“Go help Dana with the switch!” Gordon barked.

The boy was already bawling like it was the end of the world. And entitled mother was leaning down to comfort him. The noise was enough to attract the other passengers to the commotion.

“What happened?” asked Wesley.

“Kid pulled the lever,” said Josh.

“She assaulted my baby!” said the entitled mother.

“I should have you all fired!” the entitled dad shouted. “And that metal monstrosity scrapped.”

“I beg your pardon!” Gordon rounded. “Don’t spit indignation at me, sir! Your piglet has endangered lives. Wesley, is there a train coming?”

“The Express, Mr. Gresley.”

“Damn…” Gordon seemed to deflate and the color left his cheeks at the sound of a familiar, high-pitched whistle. “Henry’s coming! This is the Flying Kipper all over again. Hurry!”

Oh, god...I heard the stories of Henry’s crash. Of course I knew of it from the books, and from the show. But the real story was much more gruesome. Awdry may have said that his driver and fireman survived for the sake of the kids, but that was far from the truth. They were dead, both of them. The driver’s head was bashed into to Henry’s controls, thrown from his seat. Henry’s pipes were covered in his driver’s blood. The fireman died moments later, crushed ribs and internal bleeding from the impact. And Henry was lucky to have survived at all to be rebuilt into a Stanier Black 5. He was a changed “man” after that. Much sterner than when he arrived on the island.

“Sir,” I shouted. “You’re about to force an engine who just lived through a horrible wreck involving a point set wrong to relive that nightmare again. And endangering everyone he’s currently pulling in his coaches. When this is over, I’m making sure Hatt kicks you and your family of pork rinds off the NWR. Have fun takin’ the bus for now on! Or walkin’. Y’all look like you need a good exercise anyhoo.”

The bus on this island was terrible. Just a little FYI.

Already, Wesley was radioing the conductor on the Express, hoping to get Henry to slow down before he derailed. The whistle was even louder.

Josh and I were pulling the lever as hard as we could. A creak, and at last the lever budged. The point reset to allow Henry to pass through safely. A final whistle and the green NWR #3 came speeding on passed Gordon with the Wild Nor’wester. I collapsed upon my butt and gasped, sweat stinging my eyes. Josh did the same, patting me on the back.

“You all right?” he asked.

“I will be,” I said.

The conductor still held onto the entitled father and entitled mother, and they held onto their sniveling kid. While he was holding onto his elbow.

“Wesley,” I said, looking up at the conductor. “Escort those three to the brake coach and keep an eye on them. The first station we’re stopping at, I want them off the train and in the station master’s office.”

“Yes, ma’am,” he said. “This way, please.”

“I should have your job!” the entitled father called.

“Get the first aid kit, and wipe the little porker’s booboo,” I said. I slowly rose to my shaking feet. “I should leave y’all right here! Have you hoof it to the next station. Maybe if I’m lucky, y’all be arrested by our security guards for trespassin’ on railroad property!”

“Leave them here,” said Gordon. “Especially for that sodding ‘scrapped’ remark!”

I really didn’t give two shits about Gordon’s language here.

So many of Gordon’s brothers had been scrapped thanks to the modernization of the British Railways. So, of course he would take that insult quite personally.

“You hear that?” I continued. “Gordon wants to leave you stranded. And I’m inclined to agree with him. But I’m not petty like y’all are.” I turned to him. “No. Follow the rules, Gordon. As much as we hate it. Turn them into the station master and they’ll be banned from riding any of our coaches again.”

“I suppose that shall suffice,” he said. It didn’t sit happy with him, though. And it was understandable why he said that. Gordon’s jaw was still tensed, set tightly. I reached up and patted him on the running board and he seemed to unwind just a slight, his frame coming to a rest.

“Wankers,” he at last said to relieve any emotional steam still pinned up inside. “The lot of them. Completely gobsmacked those types exist.”

“Yeah,” I said with a huff.

“You two finished taking the piss, or are we getting this bloody train a-moving?” Josh asked.

Gordon and I laughed. That finally got the last kink in our collective spines untied. I took a deep breath and rounded Gordon, only to climb in on the driver’s side. We waited for Wesley to come back. He no doubt already ordered the other crewmen to keep an eye on our entitled guests. He maybe a pushover to us, but not to the passengers. Especially the unruly ones. He took out his pocket watch, glanced at it, and then dropped it back into his pocket. He pulled out a radio, calling for the signal to switch the points. The passengers were already on board.

A few of Gordon’s valves began to move just slightly. The cock valves in his cylinders opened up with a hiss. I pinched the brake lever and pushed it forward and Gordon clenched his friction brakes to compensate. Then, the conductor whistled and signaled for the all clear. Gordon steamed forwards slowly, relaxing the brakes. As he pulled up, Wesley took hold of the railing and climbed into the cab.

Gordon sounded his low whistle twice and he was off.

And if y’all are wondering about what happens to the points after the train passes them. It is weight sensitive, and there’s a mechanism that puts the points back once the train clears it. The conductor normally will see if the point had reset by the signal’s position. And it did. Only the lever got stuck, not the mechanism itself.

By the time the train pulled into the station, there were security guards waiting to escort the entitled family to the station master’s office for a stern talking to. On the other platform was Henry with the Express, waiting to load his passengers. I suppose he noticed the security guards escorting the still bickering entitled family, because he spoke up.

“Gordon, what the bloody hell happened?”

“You almost had another wreck, Henry,” Gordon replied. “No thanks to that family of pigs over there.”

“Eh? What were they doing?”

“Messing with the points.”

“So that’s what my driver was acting all frantic about,” he said. “I thought the man was having a heart attack.”

“Nope, you nearly had a wreck like the one back in...what was it…‘36?”

“Was ‘35, actually.”

“Ah, that’s right,” Gordon said. “1935. Bloody snowstorm.”

“I should know, I was out in it, unfortunately. Then the Thin Clergyman decided to put my rebuild at 1951. Don’t know why he’d did that. That was getting close to the year Beeching was proposing his modernization plan.”

“Dreadful man.”

Gordon never liked Richard Beeching. With good reason.

A whistle from the platform sounded and Henry got his signal to move on.

“See you back at the sheds, Gordon!” he said with a whistle, pulling out from the station.

I came walking out onto the platform, stopping right beside Gordon’s smoke box.

“I think I’m gonna go home, prop my feet up, get out a tub of chocolate ice cream and watch a stupid chick flick tonight,” then I turned to him. “Wanna join me?”

“Well, you did leave that tub of ice cream in the freezer back at the sheds,” he said. “What stupid chick flick do you want to watch?”

“How about Sex in the City?”

“Oh, that’s a ripe cabbage, isn’t it?” Gordon asked. “Brilliant. We can both yell at the movie.”

“Hey, Josh, wanna join us?”

“Nah,” he said through the window. “Dinner night. Brian’s cooking.”

“Have fun with that,” I said. “Hey, you make sure you share some leftovers. You know how much I love Brian’s cooking.”

“And how much I love smelling it,” said Gordon. “I swear, if it kills me, I’ll figure out how to eat, someday.”

“I promise, Gordon,” began Josh. “I’m sure he’ll have some leftover wasted vegetable oil. We’ll put it in the strainer and give it to you.”

“Good enough.”

Well, we all returned to our posts and continued the excursion.

Movie night was fun too.

The next day, we were back on Express duty. Sir Topham Hatt came to tell us that family was banned from any excursions and any service on the railway. Like I said, regulated to riding the bus for now on. They were also severely fined. Like severely, made to do some community service as well.

Funny note on that family, apparently, it wasn’t the first time that hog brat messed with the switches. We stopped for a connection with the Skarloey Railway. And in came Sir Handel with his passengers. Word got around quick about the family. And Handel knew all about it.

“They pulled that stunt with us here on the narrow gauge,” said Sir Handel. “The fat twat of a boy started messing with the points. Rheneas saw what was happening, screeched to a halt as best as he could...and derailed. No one was hurt, thank heavens.”

“Why the bloody hell was that family allowed to ride my excursion train, then?” Gordon asked. “If that boy pulled the same stunt as before? And caused a wreck.”

I was out standing on the walkway between the narrow gauge track and the standard one, looking dumbfounded by what Sir Handel had said.

“The little piggy bolted away when he heard his mum calling him,” said Richard, Handel’s driver.

“Aye, greasy bugger, that one,” said Handel. “Before the security could catch up, I suppose he must’ve gotten on your train, Gordon.”

“What the actual fuck,” I said, shaking my head.

“But the security cameras caught him in the act,” said Richard. “I suppose after the second stint he caused, that was enough to ban the whole family. He was also causing some mischief with the Smallies too. Was trying to tip over poor Mike, calling him a toy. Mum encouraged it too, saying ‘he’s only playing’.”

“Bloody strong, if he could attempt to tip over Mike,” said Handel. “Smallies may be small, but they are heavy.”

“Each of them weigh as much as a car,” I said.

“He could tip over your Mustang if given a chance,” said Gordon.

“Like I’d let him have it!”

Gordon chuckled.

“The Small Controller kicked the mother and her brat out,” said Handel. “Filed a report on it. Then, they came here. And started more trouble.”

“And then they came onto my train,” said Gordon. “Lovely, isn’t it? We have a connection with the Arlesdale Railway. Should let the Small Controller know we got the brat and his parents banned from all of the railway.”

“I’d say for that boy, he’s…” began Handel. “How do you American’s say it, Dana? He rides the short bus, seems like?”

“That’s what we say, Sir Handel,” I nodded in agreement. “And his parents probably spoiled him rotten because of it.”

I took a glance back and noticed all the passengers were finally filing on board. Turning around, I slowly trotted back toward Gordon’s cab.

“Thanks for the info!” I waved, hopping back in. “We’ll let Mr. Duncan know we had a visit from the Terror Piglet.”

Both Sir Handel and Gordon broke out into a chuckle at the name I gave the kid.

Sad fact of some parents with children that have developmental problems. Sometimes, they just spoil them, let them do whatever they want. Don’t bother to correct their behavior. And this case was one of those. I suppose my name for the kid seemed mean. I should blame the parents more than the child for bringing him up like that. But considering the havoc he raised, putting people and engines in danger, damaging railway property, little regard to what he was doing, and his parents encouraging the behavior, to relieve my stress, the “Terror Piglet” seemed to stick. Judge me for my own behavior, but the kid nor his parents get no leeway with me. I didn’t exactly have a perfect childhood either, but I did learn enough about real life not to act like a “twat” as they say over here.

Along the way, we managed to find that wretched family. There they were, standing at a bus stop in the heat, sweating like the hogs they were. The entitled brat looked up and started to bolt for the fence, ready to lunge himself over. Which would be trespassing again.

I called out: “Hippity, hoppity! Stay off railway property!”

Gordon gave two short, very short, very poignant whistles as he blew on by them. Being around Gordon for so long, I began to learn what certain whistles meant depending on how the engine sounded them.

Gordon basically flipped that family the bird in the only way an engine could.

Considering what that kid nearly made Henry do yesterday, and the horror that entailed, I didn’t correct him on it. I only smiled.

And now, my mind turned to more important thoughts.

Like Brian’s leftovers in the cooler.

#r/entitledparents #Gordon #gordon the big engine #Henry #henry the green engine #Sir Handel #Island of Sodor #parody #silly fan fic #fanfiction #Thomas and Friends

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wydmariana · 6 years ago

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well hellooooo beautiful people !! my name’s dani, i’m one of the admins on the main! i’m 20, i’m from toronto & i also play the hailey fc alanna !! i’m so fkn excited to have wealthy back up & running and to bring my baby mariana back ! she’s the same old girl and if you don’t know anything about her...everything u need is under the read more ! i rly need all the connections rn so like this & i’ll hit you up for plots !!!!

❛ new york’s very own mariana cavello was spotted on broadway street in christian louboutin’s. your resemblance to selena gomez is unreal. according to tmz, you just had your twenty-third birthday bash. while living in new york, you’ve been labeled as being reticent, but also quixotic. i guess being a gemini explains that. three things that would paint a better picture of you would be fishnets, tequila shots, notebooks filled with lyrics. & ( cisfemale & she/her ) + ( dani, 20, she/her, est )

☇ ❪ ˚･ﾟ ❛ STATISTICS :

full name: mariana marisol cavello

nickname(s): mari

age: twenty three

date of birth: june 4th

hometown: new york city

current location: upper east side, new york city

ethnicity: half mexican

nationality: american

gender: cisfemale

pronouns: she/her

parents names: tanner hastings, liliana cavello

orientation: pansexual but she doesn’t like labels

religion: grew up catholic, undecided

political affiliation: democrat

occupation: singer/songwriter

living arrangements: lives in her own mansion in the upper east side

language(s) spoken: english, spanish

accent: american

face claim: selena gomez

hair colour: x (most basic/accurate/but it changes)

eye colour: brown

height: 5″5

weight: 120lbs

build: petite

tattoos: mostly selena’s canon, but x instead of the music note

piercings: x (both ears)

drugs/alcohol/sex: yes/yes/yes

pets: one cat, 5 years old, named sergio - x

astrological chart: gemini sun, cancer moon, scorpio rising

☇ ❪ ˚･ﾟ ❛ BACKSTORY/CURRENT :

mariana was born to tanner cavello (famous hotel owner, entrepreneur, multimillionaire, been on forbes, think bart bass) & lilliana cavello (hispanic model/socialite)

her parents marriage was very much settling, the two of them cared about each other & were excited to start their life together in effort to please their parents and keep their images pristine

they were quick to fall out of love though, if you could say they were even ever in it

once mariana and her brother became teenagers, their dad started having affairs with his employes, the hot, young ones of course. & their mom found out, but confided in a 16 year old mariana about her father’s actions

( sexual abuse tw ) this infuriated mariana, especially considering the hours she would spend waiting outside her father’s office doing homework while his business partners molested her in the empty conference room starting at the age of 14

she never told anyone about it, although she knew her father had known the whole time, remembering how many times he’d interrupt it by summoning his partners for work or a meeting

mariana began absolutely hating her father, while still yearning for his approval, & this went on for 4 years until she turned 18 and got revenge by sleeping with one of her dad’s business partners & allowing his wife to find out

so his wife threatened to tell the media about this little scandal, unless mari’s dad paid them off, which is exactly what he did but not before taking his anger out on mariana & blaming her for the whole mess

she has barely talked to her dad since & moved out right as that whole situation went down. she does her best to avoid family gatherings, doesn’t visit the house to see her parents too often. she does have weekly phone calls with her mom & tries to see her as often as she can, no matter how much she resents her

she got into the party scene around 17/18 as well, and became new york’s resident “wild child rich kid/socialite” in her teen years, so she has that reputation in the media still to this day

her parents have been rich as fuck since the day she was born, so she’s definitely a spoiled brat, never worked a day in her life, had daddy’s credit card whenever she needed it

music had always been a passion of hers though, being her favorite class in school(on days when she would actually attend)

so when she was 20, she started getting back into writing, sold a couple of her songs to artists like zendaya, the weeknd, etc

when she turned 21 she released her first single & album within the same year, began touring, and got to the top of the charts almost right away & gained a huge fanbase, whom she loves

she’s now 23 and has two studio albums out !! she’s v successful and happy w her music <3 she releases things very sporadically & im probs gonna release random selena songs along with other voice claims maybe IDKDKKD hope yall dont mind my messy ass kskffsk

she works hard though, & loves writing and releasing music now and never wants to stop. it’s truly the thing that makes her most happy in the entire world and keeps her sane

☇ ❪ ˚･ﾟ ❛ PERSONALITY :

mariana can be a brat, to put it simply. she thinks she’s always right about everything & it’s rare you’re ever gonna get an apology from her when she’s done something wrong (unless she really cares about you which….)

she’s lowkey a softie, bc of her cancer moon tbh. she tends to get herself into relationships and then mess them up for the sake of it or because she stops trusting herself to be in the relationship at all

but when she loves someone, she LOVES them, like w every fibre in her body u know?

and she cares fiercely about people, it ends up being a problem for her a lot of the time

she hasn’t worked through her trauma & probably never will, she bottles that shit up tight & doesn’t let anybody know it’s there. the only way she’s ever opening up is if she’s writing, cause she wants that shit to be real

but she’s still gonna hoe it up, catch her in the club trying to get some dick for the night, u know what i mean?

super depressed if we’re being real here. she’s sad, and she has abandonment issues because of her dad. so her mindset is- there’s no forming attachments, because everyone leaves me anyway

( drugs tw ) she loves cocaine, is most definitely an addict (but who isn’t in this city), tequila is her alcohol of choice, but she’ll drink anything you give her & weed is her creative saving grace

she started popping pain pills on her 21st birthday, opioids occasionally & mostly xanax, stuff like that, is most definitely also addicted to those

we love a bitch who doesn’t care about her health!

her management team frowns upon it, but she does smoke cigarettes pretty often, but mostly only when she’s stressed

mariana’s the type of bitch to call the paparazzi on herself, she loves attention. but with her music career now it’s been 10x harder for her to keep her life private, not that she cares. but at least she doesn’t have to call the paps on herself anymore lol

she thinks it’s important to treat people w kindness and respect, but no doubt she’ll be ready to fight a b*tch if she has to…

catch her at any protest that involves saying “fuck you trump”

her instagram is a big mix of stories of her cat, dumb selfies, ig model posts, her friends, career stuff & political posts. she’s very active on the gram & snapchat lol

honestly thank U for reading this trash if u didnt…i understand. catch her pinterest board for more here & i have a wanted connections page here ! ok bye i love u, plot w me <3

#wealthyhq:intro

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bigskydreaming · 6 years ago

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Batfandom’s favorite word to use is “adopted.” And I don’t mean that in a good way, but in a ‘nah, this is actually kinda obnoxious’ way?

Like, 90% of fics and headcanons in Batfandom flat out refuse to use the words ‘father,’ ‘brother(s),’ ‘sister’ or ‘son(s),’ without the qualifier ‘adopted’ always, always, ALWAYS attached to the front of said words. Like, endlessly. Over and over. Not just once, early on, to establish the specific nature of the family relationships, but like....this sledgehammer insistence on bringing that point home. Each. And. Every. Time. A. Familial. Relationship. Is. Described. Ever.

Sorry to be cranky about it, I know people don’t mean any harm by it, and like, I’m not saying its offensive. That’s not the right word IMO, but its definitely....grating? And just to be clear, I don’t pretend I’m speaking for everyone who’s adopted or from adopted families, I’m sure plenty of people who fit that description have different takes on this than me. BUUUUT I also know for a fact that I am not the only person this bugs in a big way. I’ve had this convo over the years with a lot of other fans I know who are adopted. And its not just Batfandom either, its every fandom with central adoptive relationships, like Thor and Loki, etc. Its just especially jarring in Batfandom because there’s so many different adoptive relationships front and center, so this pops up like...EVERYWHERE.

Idk, like....I’d just ask that writers please consider WHY they feel the qualifier ‘adopted/adoptive’ is a necessary addition every time the label of father/son/brother is used in a fic. What they think it adds, what they feel it describes about the relationship that’s different from any other father/son/brother relationship. Because I do think that most people (at least those not from adopted families themselves) do it without thinking about it. It seems just like another descriptor, like its addition is just a level of specificity that’s like, slightly more accurate than JUST father/son/brother......its just. In my experience, and that of most other adopted kids/relatives of adopted kids I’ve spoken with personally....that’s not really how it works?

Its about context, is the thing. How a thing is framed. When used just initially, like when establishing the exact nature of family dynamics, sure, in that sense its an accurate descriptor that lends an additional level of specificity to family relationships. It describes how this particular family formed, how it came to be. But AFTER that’s been established....that qualifier of adopted tacked onto every family label....its no longer establishing anything further. Instead, now its just perpetuating the idea that the nature of the family relationship itself is inherently different, BECAUSE of how it was formed.

Its a subtle distinction, but its very much a real and definite distinction. When first used, ‘adopted’ describes a family origin. Used over and over, ‘adopted’ describes a family that’s somehow wholly different from non-adopted families, BECAUSE that specific family origin is seen as superseding and overlaying every other aspect of the family and its inter-dynamics. You see what I’m saying? And its that latter part that grates, because...no? That’s not....that’s not nearly the omnipresent thing that I think a lot of people seem to take for granted it is?

Again, maybe its different for other adopted families, but like.....okay. So, in my case, my mom’s technically my adopted mom, I have a different bio mom that I haven’t seen since I was ten, my older sister has the same bio parents as me and my two younger siblings are adopted with no biological relation to each other or to anyone else in our family, though unlike me and my sister were adopted at birth. For as long as my mom’s been my mom....I barely ever referred to my mom as anything other than my mom. It usually didn’t occur to me to use qualifiers when describing her, because like, she was who I saw as my mom. I mean, she’s literally my mom. That’s literally what that word adopted in front of the label ‘mother’ means. Whether you include it or not, the mother part remains true.

And in fact, describing her as my adopted mom wasn’t even like, an establishing qualifier I always included when first talking about my family to someone who didn’t know our history. It was usually more kinda....a tenth conversation kind of clarification because it was more an afterthought than anything else? Like kinda a belated realization when they looked at me confused at something I just said, like...’oh yeah, see technically my mom is my adopted mom, and when I said ‘my mom’ there just now I was actually talking about my bio mom, totally different thing. Like technically I have two, but only one really matters most of the time so its not worth mentioning to like, everyone I meet, you know?’ That sort of thing. If anything, I was more likely to use the qualifier in regards to my birth mom, the one I didn’t live with. Like I’d say, this is my mom when talking about my mom, as in my adopted mom, and I’d refer to my birth mom as just that, as my birth mom or my bio mom.

And my siblings and I tended to describe ourselves as adopted siblings more upfront, at least when introducing ourselves and our familial relationship to someone new...but that was less about us seeing us our sibling relationship as being different from non-adopted families, and more just like...a necessary avoidance of bullshit? LOL, because I mean, its kinda obvious that my siblings and I aren’t biologically related. I’m white, my little sister is Vietnamese, my little brother’s indigenous Mexican. We tended to lead with “this is my sister/brother, we’re adopted’, but mostly because like.....full offense, but people are kinda dumb? *Shrugs* If we just said ‘this is my sister and this is my brother’ and just left it at that, people would nine out of ten times like....stutter and get all squinty-eyed and confused and be all...what...how...because lol, idk, apparently its a hugely hard leap to figure out oh hey, maybe adoption is a thing here?

(And also just FYI in general, it was always just annoying because like, even if you don’t ‘get’ HOW two seemingly unrelated people can be related and all they say when introducing themselves is ‘we’re brother and sister’, like.....you’re not actually owed an in depth explanation as to omg how did this strange phenomenon come to be. And the entitlement so many people we encountered growing up, where like....they felt they were owed our life stories upon meeting us just once, simply because they Didn’t Understand and somehow this equated to But They NEEDED To Understand, because...Reasons....like, no. You don’t actually need to understand how two people are related if they don’t feel like providing you with the full context. Either take them at face value or don’t, you don’t get to be a dick and demand a full accounting of their legal and symbolic relationships just so you can like....validate this and be all okay yeah, that checks out, I’ll allow it. LOL. No? Your validation of our relationship is not required, nor is your understanding of it, get over yourselves. So just. Like. Don’t be Those Guys. If you meet people who introduce themselves as family and the exact nature of that family relationship isn’t immediately obvious or seems somewhat confusing like....just...deal? They’ll tell you more if they want you to know more, and if they don’t tell you more they probably feel you know everything you need to know and that’s literally their call to make, so....yeah).

Idk. Like, due to the age differences in our family, my little sister and I were the only ones who overlapped in attending the same schools at the same time, just different grade levels. And we used to have this bit where any time someone new stumbled while grasping the fact that we were brother and sister, and they did that Brain Malfunction, Processing Error glitch face while they tried to compute Asian sister, white brother, how does that even work....so like, at some point we just started doing this thing where any time we saw that Look, my little sister would launch into this painfully earnest explanation of how so, “okay, our dad’s Vietnamese and our mom’s white, and I got all the Vietnamese genes and my brother here got all the white genes,” and I would just keep a totally straight face and nod along, backing her up, and you could literally see them falling for it for a good minute or so before they realized oh hey, they’re totally just bullshitting me. And then eventually we got told to cut it out because teachers were complaining about looking dumb in front of other students when we did that, which, well duh that’s cuz you were, dumbasses BUT I DIGRESS.

But point is.....I honestly do not know many (if any) adopted families who go around making a point to emphasize the adopted part of their family relationships any and every time they come up, the way most fiction tends to depict adopted characters doing? Once we established to a person that yes, we’re adopted, we didn’t ever feel a need to re-emphasize that or re-establish that same point any time after that. If they idk, forgot or got confused again or whatever, I mean...not our problem, you know? You get one explanation, if you still don’t get it after that, you’re probably not gonna get it anyway because its not like....rocket science. Was pretty much our stance.

And so okay, full disclosure, since anyone who’s followed me for some time has heard me talk about not really having a relationship with my family anymore....like yeah, its true, but because of a whole host of reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with anyone’s adoption status. I mean, I basically hate my parents’ guts and have for a long time, but they’re still my parents, biological and adopted ones alike. And I love my siblings, we’re just unfortunately not close anymore because of all kinds of baggage that got heaped on us that there was really no way to deal with gracefully, look there are reasons I project on the Batfam and identify with that source material, lmao.

Again though, my point is.....even at the best of times, my family was crazy dysfunctional, much like the Batfamily is.....but even at the worst of times, literally nobody in my family was ever going around insisting on making a distinction about most of us not being biologically related, you know? That’s just....not a thing, IME. Like, family’s kinda all or nothing. You’re either family, or you’re not. The how of it only really matters if you’re hashing out something where that’s specifically relevant, otherwise, not so much because I mean....if it was that easy to make a distinction about how your family is only kinda technically sorta your family, it’d be a hell of a lot easier to just...walk away, you know? Like, even when you flat out hate members of your family, there’s not really a lot of confusion on whether or not you actually consider them family. As complicated as your family dynamic might be, people aren’t usually looking for places to add in that additional complication of ‘mmm but are we reeeeeeally even family, technically?’

So all of that plays into why its so jarring to see writers so insistently and repeatedly emphasize the ‘adopted’ part of Batfamily relationships, as though its like the most important aspect of their entire family dynamic...the be all and end all, the thing EVERYTHING inevitably traces back to, in every fight, in every dynamic, etc. And yeah, I do think people who aren’t adopted or from blended families themselves should maybe put a little more thought into what’s going through their head when they emphasize the adopted part of a family dynamic, like why they fixate on it as the most defining aspect or criteria of it. Because its really not nearly as reflective of reality as the sheer overwhelming SAMENESS of how often its written that way would suggest. Again, just speaking in my experience and that of those I’ve had this fandom conversation with, over the years.

Like, any way you write them, the Batfamily is dysfunctional as hell and always will be. But bottom line, there are some not that great implications underlying the....default assumption, that this dysfunctionality all stems from or inevitably traces back to that ‘adoptive’ qualifier. Have Dick or Jason or Tim or Damian flat out hating each other’s guts at times, there’s certainly canon to support it, and sure, insecurity as to their individual places in their family is always going to be at least a PART of it, but like....being insecure about your place in your family isn’t exactly an experience unique to adopted members of families, you know? But the way the Batfamily is usually written certainly seems to treat that as the takeaway, and again, I’m not sure offensive is the way I’d describe that, but it most definitely is grating. And it never fails to pull me right out of a story and like, moan dramatically at the heavens “oh my god, whyyyyyy, why do so many writers think we’re all just...totally unaware that these kids are all adopted and need to remind themselves and each other and us of that every other paragraph’.

Mostly because I’m dramatic like that, but also because its annoying too. Like....we get it, dudes. This is not brand new information. Its okay. You can refer to Bruce as just ‘their father’ or to their brothers or Cass as just ‘their brothers and sister’. You will not have like...lied, or anything.

Anyway. Those are my 6 am thoughts on the Batfam, fandom in general, and how you really only need to use the word ‘adopted’ like...once per relationship per fic. That’s really all it takes? The additional 674 mentions of adoption are kinda....gratuitous.

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scarlettlawyer · 6 years ago

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Phantoms and Mirages Fic Commentary, Part 1

So. I’ve basically written up over six thousand words of reaction/commentary of @renegadewangs‘s fanfic Chasing Phantoms, the first instalment in the Phantoms and Mirages series. This post’s commentary covers the first ten chapters, but I still reference parts beyond that excluding Tracking Ghosts, which I still have yet to read (so the commentary itself is spoilery in the sense that it jumps about at times and references stuff beyond the chapter at hand). So please no spoilers regarding the final instalment! Meowzy, I hope this was okay for me to do, please let me know if it’s not! The way I’ve written this up is kind of like a review where I’m talking to you, but other fans are more than welcome to comment on and engage with this post if they wish. I plan to cover the series at least up until the end of Lifting Spirits with these commentary posts.

Sorry for Very Long Post!

Chasing Phantoms, Chapter 1

First off, already, in the first few sentences, you present us with something to contrast SO strongly with the changed Bobby we see later – specifically to contrast as much as possible, basically. The difference here between this Bobby and Randy Liberate, it’s, aaaah…! You specifically draw attention to this, in the very beginning of the very first chapter… You didn’t HAVE to make the contrast so stark, but you did, and god damn it hit me hard. XD. NOT GONNA LIE IT MADE ME KINDA “ANGRY” THAT YOU DID THIS LIKE, hahaha. You did this on purpose, didn’t have to make that the content of the first few lines of dialogue.

Man, you know what occurred to me when I was starting to read this fic? In the past there was at least one fic on the PWKM that a friend linked me to that was also a Bobby Lives AU where Bobby was also traumatised – but it was basically one where Bobby had been held captive during that whole year. And I read a little bit of it then basically shoved it aside and couldn’t read it anymore. It was just too off-putting for me, the horror and level of trauma Bobby must have suffered over such a long period of time too much to think about, making me feel ill and sick to my stomach at the time. Now that fic – based on what my friend told me and what little I read of it – focused on Bobby and his slow recovery. The phantom was not really present, they were not a character – they were merely a part of the fic’s background formation, the referred-to and merely alluded to entity whose prime influence over the fic was being the source of – having inflicted Bobby’s trauma, the trauma already having played out.

Now there’s more than one reason I didn’t continue reading that fic, and what they have in common is that they stem from the fact that I like the phantom a lot as a character. Therefore, I want to read fic with a focus on the phantom and with the phantom as an actual character who does stuff in the fic, and that fic did not meet those requirements. SECONDLY… I was not, and until reading Phantoms and Mirages, was never really in the habit of giving Bobby Fulbright as a character much focus. Reading about Bobby shell-shocked and traumatised was a fundamentally uncomfortable experience (as it should be) because naturally it made me feel very very bad for the guy, but also because the fic wanted to (rightfully) position the phantom as an abhorrent and detestable being. Now usually I got no problem with that but the way that fic went about it felt somehow different – it made my insides twist, perhaps because it was shining a spotlight on the phantom’s victim(s) as opposed to the phantom themself. It did not encourage my love for this awful fictional character, it did not give me anything to “fangirl” over, it just made me dislike the phantom in the context of that fic, and I wasn’t about that life.

So back when I’m starting out this fic written by you, where Bobby is actually a player on the chessboard getting a bunch of focus, and I’m like oh, boy. Is it going to be like that again? Is this fic(s) going to make me feel super, duper bad about Bobby Fulbright and by extension, just make me feel sick when thinking about the phantom? Is this series going to encourage me to hate the phantom and have a certain degree of success? I was a little worried.

…Phwwhwhh…. Bahahaha. Oh, past me. If this fic series has a thesis, I can tell you it’s NOT “this person known as the phantom is bad forever and you should hate them.” Can you believe this was ever one of my concerns? : D Hehehehe.

Oh my god… Oh my god… Reading over this again, it just hit me – the IRONY of that corpse being labelled a “John Doe” and referred to as such… goshdangit Meowzy!!! I know you love your irony an awful lot. Is there no end to your amusing twists and reversals?! XD. I’M TRYING TO THINK, DID THEY ACTUALLY CALL THE CORPSE A JOHN DOE IN TURNABOUT FOR TOMORROW? THAT MIGHT’VE BEEN WHAT GAVE YOU THE BEGINNINGS OF THE SHELLY IDEA… HMMMM.

Now as much as I poked fun above about the possibility that this series would make me dislike the phantom, man did this chapter make me feel bad for Bobby Fulbright. It really manages to put you in his shoes. Struck me REALLY heavily just how absolutely mind-breaking it must be for your captive to step into the room and they’re, well, you. To have the spitting image of yourself calmly and coldly hold you at gunpoint… goddamn. That’s some shattering stuff. Honestly even if none of the Shelly death happened, poor Bobby, the guy would already have a lot of baggage that would take a lot of time to work through based on that alone.

The “highly respected nobody” and “devoted your life to justice, but in doing so forgot to pursue close bonds with loved ones” comments and Bobby’s reaction was flippin’ heartbreaking for me. I’ve seen plenty of meta written before supposing about Bobby not having any real close loved ones and how that would have made impersonation easier, and for the people doing that analysis there is always an air of “huh that’s kind of sad/depressing, actually” – a level of acknowledgement there that I would register when reading such analysis, but here in this chapter I’m hit with the absolute full force of it and just how depressing it is when Mr Bobby Fulbright himself is confronted with that analysis (or at least, that’s what it really felt like the first time I read it!). It really hurt to think about! This is what I mean when I say I’m impressed that you gave Bobby Fulbright agency as a character – in fics where he is dead, or in meta passively analysing him, this analysis is basically applied to him post-mortem. He’s an idea, a thing to be dissected, with no concrete shape or form (because we can never know how accurate the phantom’s impersonation was). And in later chapters the text itself lampshades this. Bobby’s later comments about being treated as a martyr of justice by the public struck me as basically how the fandom as a whole tends to treat him, and that may have been intentional on your part. We, the fandom and the players, just like Simon Blackquill, never actually got to meet the real Bobby Fulbright. But here, here? As a character in your fic, Bobby gets to take shape as a concrete entity as opposed to the multitude of possibilities that he is in much of fandom. But importantly, he gets to react. He gets to react to things, and he is the one reacting to this very analysis of himself. As shattering as it is for him, in this chapter he gets to basically hear a solemn takeaway that parts of the fandom have made about his person. And in subsequent chapters, he is given the chance both to respond and overcome it.

It’s kinda funny, you know what these scenes made me think and wish? “Man, it really sucks that Bobby Fulbright died, actually. It really, really sucks. I wish he hadn’t died.” Keep in mind that I was kind of, err… too distracted by the phantom to be truly sad over Bobby when playing the ending of Dual Destinies for the first time. Hmm. Well, this chapter certainly helped me out with feeling the anguish that the average player did over Bobby!

“Wish Bobby didn’t die. It’s not fair! Wish that Bobby was, you know… still alive. Somehow.” Hah! Meowzy, you were just standing there like “don’t worry bro I got you covered.”

When I read this chapter for the first time, I didn’t actually know for certain that it was a Bobby Lives AU. I mean, it was telling me that Bobby Fulbright was gonna be a character, but all signs so far seemed to point to “yeah, he’s a character… in flashbacks.” The fic tags were saying Blackbright, and yet the entire setup seemed to be saying otherwise. It left me kinda confused and wondering how, in what capacity would our man Bobby Fulbright be playing a role. This chapter had made me so certain he was dead, that I actually thought supernatural elements would be involved. Ghost Bobby! : D

And I honestly don’t know why, but for some reason I’d always assumed Phantoms and Mirages as a series was some Fun Wacky AU With Actual Supernatural Elements for the longest time back when I didn’t know anything about it. It’s part of why it took me so long to finally get around to reading it. I blame both the chosen titles involved (why I failed to realise back then that they were not actually meant to be taken literally, seeing as the canon “phantom” character has no supernatural elements, I really don’t know) and the fact that “Bobby Fulbright” and “the phantom” were both listed as characters co-existing in the same fic. My mind just went “does not compute” to the point where it straight-up assumed it mustn’t be canon compliant and/or have fantastical elements. Heh. Joke’s on me.

So yeah, you made me really sad and wish Bobby hadn’t died and he was still alive… in an AU where he lives! Excellent work ;D

Just also want to randomly say again(?) that I can’t believe you managed to write canon compliant Bobby Lives “AU” fic. You took two of the main issues/problems I’ve seen raised by fans; “why did it take a year for Bobby’s body to be found” and “why did the phantom allow that evidence to be discoverable”, and managed to actually solve them in a manner that supports a Bobby Lives “AU”. Brilliant!

Chasing Phantoms, Chapter 3

The guard by the man’s side exchanged a meaningful look with his fellows on the other side of the glass as the tirade was still ongoing, though the next few words were in a foreign language. French? Then Cohdopian? He switched back to English soon enough, which didn’t diminish the oddity one bit.

The Phantom was losing it.

Gosh, I can’t emphasise enough how much I loved the language switching here. That’s another thing this series does REALLY well: acknowledging other languages and having characters change between them. An international spy is naturally going to know more than one language, that’s just kind of a given, and I don’t see much meta or fics acknowledge that, so I really do adore how strongly it’s a given in your fics. The way language switching is done and discussed, and just discussion of listening to other languages etc is usually really well done in this series and I always enjoy it.

But I just especially love this particular scene – the phantom inadvertently changing languages because he’s just that far gone is… iconic. I’d almost say it’s kind of a miracle that they were able to stick to the one language throughout their entire breakdown at the end of Dual Destinies, but then again, they only used the faces of “English” speaking characters I guess, flitting between their voices, so it does make sense!

Interesting that, when I read through this chapter for the first time, when the phantom started actually making threats and being like “I’M GOING TO BREAK OUT OF HERE AND YOU WILL PAY, SEE YOU SOON!!” I was, well, sceptical. I was like, hmmm, huuh…? “That doesn’t really, um, make sense, does it? Isn’t that a little out of character for the phantom?” and yet, the narrative itself acknowledges this, through Blackquill, later on when things come to a head. I was awfully foolish to ever doubt the Great Meowzy. :P

Now this time around, of course I know exactly what’s going on here and register precisely how this seemingly odd behaviour slots into the phantom now.

Chasing Phantoms, Chapter 4

”Bobby Fulbright.”

Fulbright stiffened at the mention of his own name, just for a few seconds.

OH, HERE WE GO. YEAH. HERE WE GO, HUH???

Yeah, you might have seen/noticed from my posting in the discord chat, but this? This inspired quite the reaction in me. This made me livid, frothing at the mouth. Not in any way towards you, the author or the writing, but towards the character. Mission accomplished via good writing!

Well, I wasn’t angry at first, I don’t think. Initially it was just a kind of, delighted bewilderment when he showed up – I am pretty sure I found it pretty, well, amusing. Funny but in a sense you’re laughing out of shock and bewilderment more than anything. LIKE… IT /IS/ PRETTY FUNNY IN A SUPER WACKY KIND OF WAY… the narrative has kind of said in no uncertain terms over and over again, that this character is dead. And here he is, in the flesh, alive, just like that.

The phantom: lol Bobby Fulbright is dead and I killed him

(Except he’s lying through his teeth.)

Like, YES, we have the narrative undercurrent of Simon’s creeping suspicions leading up to this point – it’s most certainly not something that happens out of nowhere, textually speaking. The groundwork HAS been laid, and alternative explanations have been hinted and implied. (An AU of this AU would be some grimdark angsty thing where Simon follows the “maybe he’s not actually dead though” trail and gets his hopes up only for it to end in despair because nah, he’s really gone dude, and it was all your imagination and yearning for something that will never be, but anyway).

It’s awkwardly funny and funny in an awkward way. This guy presumed dead, another guy claiming to have killed him, the funeral has taken place, THE BODY SUPPOSEDLY IDENTIFIED AND /BURIED/, THE LOCATION OF THE MURDER SUPPOSEDLY IDENTIFIED- People are in mourning.

Bobby: Oh. Hey. Hello, um, yes. I’m alive haha

Part of it is that it’s so sudden too. I kind of love it. He’s just there at the cemetery, Simon chases this random man down and it’s Bobby flippin’ Fulbright.

So at first it’s like

:O [laughing confusedly] what the heck? Bobby, you’re aliiive! : D

Then it’s like

Bobby, how the hell are you alive?

…And what the hell are you doing here?!

Then finally reaches a crescendo in a sort of WAIT, HOW DARE YOU BE ALIVE?!

My standard expectation for a fic scenario like this – “Bobby is alive post-DD” is him being found, hidden away somewhere – him having been forcibly hidden away from the outside world with no way to make contact with it if he wanted to. He needs to be uncovered. He’s certainly not casually hanging out in the background at cemeteries, walking around outside freely, that’s for sure, hahaha.

But no, he was not discovered in some dark cellar, chained to the wall. He was discovered walking around out in the open, nothing really preventing him from making contact with people.

My amused surprise quickly and rapidly gave way to rage.

Rage at this man!!! Rage, as the story progressed and unfolded in the immediate aftermath of this initial scene.

All thoughts of the phantom – the god damn phantom, the entire reason I started reading this fic in the first place – vanished from my mind. Stuff the phantom. Who cares about the phantom?! All of my thoughts and feelings and reactions were all focused on Bobby. For the next small chunk of the fic, the phantom is not relevant, and I couldn’t care less, because he was completely irrelevant to me at that point too, and for me that’s kind of a big accomplishment writing-wise in and of itself.

“You’re a real doll”

“Y o u ‘ r e a r e a l d o l l”

HMMMMMMMMMMM

Me: BOBBY FULBRIGHT ARE YOU OKA

“shooting her a playful. WINK”

UHHHHGNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

I FORGOT HE ACTUALLY SAYS THAT BEFORE THE SMOKING REVEAL but I was already blind rage at that point anyway sdklsdklsd like… Bobby Fulbright just… Existing “freely” and not having contacted the authories or anything… was more than enough to tip me off that something was horribly wrong, that this Fulbright had fundamentally betrayed himself and what he stands for in some capacity. That much was already clear to me – I was essentially infuriated over certain reveals before they even happened. I already Knew, really. Looking back, the “doll” line MIGHT not have been intentional? But basically: I am Very Certain it really doesn’t suit Bobby’s character back before the phantom happened and kinda ruined his life for a while there. When he said that to Olga… It was really Randy Liberate speaking imo. Post-phantom Bobby though, I guess would possibly say that line too. But it was a line that just made me uncomfortable and be like [holds out cross in self-defence] “I Don’t Trust Like That.” (And my friend agreed when I told her about the line hahaha). The main point is it’s a small but stark contrast to Original!Bobby and I was like bro. oh no.

Wait no what am I saying – as far as Phantoms and Mirages has established, Bobby is Very Gay (unless he’s also attracted to women but I don’t recall it being mentioned. Huh!) and also had never acted on his sexuality originally. He just wouldn’t be the type to Wink And Act Like That. Post-Randy-Liberate-Bobby would but probably only in a purely playful and innocent sense, obviously with no actual interest there. I could be wrong but Yeah! Anyway

”What’s this?” He snatched the last item up with one hand to inspect it. “You don’t smoke.”

”Bobby Fulbright didn’t smoke. Randy Liberate took it up last year,” the other man corrected him. “It relieves stress.”

OH MY GOOOOOOD HERE IT IS……………..THE H

YEAH. YEAH YOU PROBABLY SAW ME TALK ABOUT THIS IN DISCORD I GUESS FOR SURE.

CONGRATULATIONS, this just……. The narrative absolutely achieved its goal here. This, I was so… The IMAGE. The image just gave me such a visceral reaction it was just like yeah, yeah, okay. Bobby would Never, but here we are I guess, I was ready to throw hands. Man I was so mad, this man I swear… Once again… The good writing absolutely resulted in Mission Accomplished for what it was going for.

Worth noting that there was a kinda misconception I had here initially – from the information the fics give us later on, it seems that Bobby actually had pretty free reign when it came to shaping who Randy Liberate was? Even if he had some rough guidelines he needed to follow maybe, guy was pretty free to do and be what he wanted. At this point I actually thought that Randy Liberate was already a set personality that Bobby had to fake, and that he Could Not Stray from the mould that was given to him. I figured that Randy Liberate smoked, and when Bobby became him, he’d no real choice in the matter (but also genuinely wanted to just Become this new person so ultimately, he didn’t care, he just did it cause Whatever, if he’s Randy Liberate then smoking is cool now, who cares! Not Bobby Randy!) Guess the “took it up last year” should have tipped me off? But oh well.

…Oh! I also just want to say it’s worth noting that the “Bobby found, was kept prisoner in a cellar for a year”-type scenarios don’t work for me, and they’re part of why previously I was never really able to accept Bobby Lives AUs – I just found it too unrealistic for the phantom to hold Bobby captive for so long, cause it was like, why? For what reason? The scenario you give is so much better imo and I can, yeah, I can buy it! I love Blackquill kind of actively lampshading it though hahaha. “Literally what reason would the phantom keep you alive for? You’re a liability, it would be Too Dangerous for them, makes no sense to me” – Simon Blackquill, anticipating my objections ahead of time and voicing them. God, I love that.

Simon watched as Fulbright slipped a cigarette into his mouth and lit it.

Skjnsdndskjnsd thanks, I hate it! SDKJDKJDKJB OK SORRY I JUST. I just have to put this here for the extra “Oh my God… this is really happening huh… the level of discord shoved into a single sentence.” Simon comments on Fulbright acting nonchalant. You know what else is nonchalant? This sentence. And it’s all the more effective as a result.

I should pull up some of Ye Olde Liveblogging messages I sent to my friend over this, consisting hugely of “[cocks gun] you’re not Bobby. Who are you.” Exactly the point, of course.

(”the two of us” here refers to my friend and I).

Heh, don’t worry, I won’t kill Bobby. Bobby is fantastic. At this point of the fic it was really something though

”[…] it was the only life I could still have. A second chance for a dead man. I was lucky to be given even that much.”

Just like the phantom gets in Lifting Spirits.

WAIT I FORGOT ABOUT THE CASUAL SWEARING TOO OH YM GOOOOD. The “I stopped trusting in justice” I just CAN’T.

Me, screaming: GET OUT!!!! HOW DARE YOU STAND WHERE HE STOOD

Sdlnsdlknsdkl

I always just think about this one AskAceAttorney post where they go “Bobby would never swear. It’s not just.”

The casual marriage reveal too just slays it, hits it out of the park… “Crashing parties” Bobby,,, is gone. He’s not here anymore. I can tell you that. That was Randy.

”Pathetic!” he slammed his fist against the wall behind him, causing both Fulbright and Taka to give a start. “Absolutely pathetic! I’ve yet to decide who is more detestable, you or the Phantom!”

I AM BLACKQUILL, BLACKQUILL IS MEEEEE, at least the first time I read through this, that is. Love when the POV character is on the exact same wavelength reaction-wise.

The newcomer seemed confused for a few seconds, if only because despite their viably different situations, there were two men in the room who looked virtually identical.

IN SPITE OF EVERYTHING THIS IS LITERALLY SO FUNNY… LIKE LITERALLY NOTHING ELSE ABOUT THE SITUATION IS FUNNY BUT THIS ONE SPLIT SECOND? HILARIOUS. I LOVE IT. The image of Shelly just pausing and looking at what he’d just abruptly burst in on is GOLD. Ahahaha. “oh GEEZ which one is the target?!” (that quickly becomes kinda obvious, but the brief confusion is everything to me). Well I suppose it would have been bad news for Bobby if he’d been able to subdue phantom by some miracle and the situation WAS reversed, that’s for sure!

God. Literally everyone in the room at this point is in an awkward situation tho im

Shelly, having come across this weird scene with Two Identical Men: what

The phantom, his almost-murder he was about to commit having been interrupted and his Secret Hideout having been intruded on without warning by an annoyingly persistent assassin that just won’t go away: what

Bobby, being held at gunpoint and About To Be Murdered: what

It’s so great.

Still, fast as he was, the stitched man was faster.

I concur. I always figured that, if at point-blank range or whatever, Shelly would win. Killing is his trade, after all. It’s his specialty. It’s not the phantom’s specialty in the way that it’s Shelly’s specialty – the phantom has his Cool Spy Moves and is good at being a spy but like, that’s just not equal to Shelly and his craft, man. The phantom’s only hopes with Shelly are just to avoid being caught amidst his many identities. Or an unlikely person saving his life.

Oh and it’s super interesting because there’s actually fanart of Shelly and the phantom (fully decked out as Bobby Fulbright) running at each other for a throwdown match, the text of the post just saying “killer vs killer”. I wonder, have you stumbled across this fanart before? Could it have at all served as a kind of inspiration, perhaps? Or maybe your fic actually predates it, and the inspiration was the other way around. Or maybe it’s just an amusing coincidence, and neither influenced the other – there just happens to be fic of a certain piece of fanart and fanart of a certain scene from a fic, this unintentional on everyone’s behalf. I actually think that’s pretty damn cool. Well, no matter what the truth is: neat!

Anyway, there is honestly so much that happens in this series – it is so completely filled to the brim and action-packed that I essentially forgot that Shelly de Killer got killed way back at the start until it became relevant again. In the grand scheme of things, it just feels so… understated, almost. When I read it, I was like “whoa, dude, you just killed off Shelly de Killer. Whoa. What!” And then it promptly got swept away amidst everything else, you know? My mind just had SO MANY other things to focus on.

Well no, it’s not understated – Bobby suffers severe trauma, and he can never truly purge that horrific scene from his mind. BUT what I mean is, from the way the narrative handles it, it becomes more “that thing Bobby was traumatised by and needs counselling for” and “that event that led to a body being confused for Bobby’s own corpse” (I swear I literally kept forgetting that was Shelly, that’s actually Shelly’s corpse). The powerful impact of “SHELLY DE KILLER IS DEAD!!!” got lost somewhere along the way, and then fast forward to Lifting Spirits and Benny shows up and OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

And by the way, the fact that it even becomes relevant again, in the first place? Storytelling and writing at its finest. Like… You didn’t have to make everything come full circle like you did. I had long-dismissed the Shelly incident as, well, a wacky incident where an iconic canon ace attorney character gets killed off and practically FORGOTTEN about it, never actually expecting it to really get expanded upon beyond that, but by hell it sure did. You are awesome. I would never have guessed this one scene would send out shockwaves that would come back full force to haunt the phantom fics later. At that point, he’s no longer the phantom of course, but well, we’ll get there… : ) But it really goes to show that Nothing is really wasted in this series, honest-to-goodness, and that’s such good writing, it’s so cool.

I also forgot that, even back here, way back then, Bobby saved the phantom’s life. He really Did that huh.

ALSO I FEEL LIKE THERE’S LOWKEY IMPLICATIONS THAT THIS IS JUST, an average day in the life of the phantom, and that’s really funny to me too. ‘Cause it kinda IS standard to an extent, I guess.

Chasing Phantoms, Chapter 5

”Aura, I have a question. Do you believe it’s right to start a second life when your first one has gone to hell?”

Oh? You mean kinda like… Lex does in the end? :P

Well I suppose this fic series raises that debate early on. XP

”Of course I don’t think it’s right. Who would even get a second life? Cheats like the Phantom, that’s who!”

OH,..

Now obviously the first time reading this I read it in the context of “yeah, bc shedding identities and all” BUT THIS TIME AROUND, IT TAKES ON A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT MEANING… HEH. Actually you know what, the first time reading this I don’t think I even dwelled on it or how it connects to the phantom having so many identities he sheds and takes up, it just seemed like an easily-overlooked “the phantom is awful and a cheat” comment and I’m kinda. Yelling at the resonance of this line now.

Oh, and her bringing the word “cheat” into it, and I think I recall a line in Lifting Spirits at the end where it says they “felt like they were cheating”… heh. Heh.

”Genuine humans only get one life and we have to make the best of it.”

Her exact sentiments in Lifting Spirits… I didn’t even think about how this aspect also comes full circle. A similar kind of question is posed, first about Bobby Fulbright (or rather, “Randy Liberate”) in the beginning, and then about The Man Currently Known As The Phantom in the end. The answers and the outcomes that the fic provides to these rather similar kind of questions are quite different. Aura’s stance never wavers, not even once.

…This fic series’s meta writes itself tbh.

OKAY. ANYWAY I LEGIT TEARED UP A LITTLE READING THE MESSAGES THAT WERE WRITTEN TO BOBBY IN THAT BOOK, NOT GONNA LIE. The feels.

Chasing Phantoms, Chapter 6

Anyway yeah this is just so good and well-written, the whole play on Bobby actually needing to fake his old persona for the sake of other people…

Chasing Phantoms, Chapter 7

…You know, I just realised, I’d actually been very sceptical of Bobby’s level of proficiency in Borginian, given his job and lack of opportunity to use it previously when he was a detective, the fact that he learned it years ago and thus a lot of the knowledge had probably faded over time (although obviously I know it had the chance to be brought up to speed again over the past year, I just had strong doubts over that being enough). But then I realised that my only experience with knowing another language is Mandarin Chinese, so uhh…. It’s OBVIOUSLY going to be far easier if the other language Bobby knows is, in fact, much closer to English. Huh.

Me, with a smarmy voice: actually Bobby being fluent in Borginian is unrealistic, there’s no way given that he would have had so little opportunity to use Borginian over the years

Me, realising that Borginian would probably be way easier to learn for an English-speaker than Chinese is and therefore my perception is skewered: …OH.

I actually felt so bad for Fulbright’s “wife”, because tsk tsk, just like Simon I too had made an assumption there. But imagine marrying this guy and DURING the divorce proceedings you find out the identity was fake and the circumstances that led to it… that’s so screwed up.

Me now @ past me, thinking about how Domestique already knew: HAHAHA

[narrows eyes] oh. Here we are. Our first phantomquill. …………..hmph. I’ve still not the full capacity to confront this – I’m still trying to figure it out for myself. Nnh. Well, more on… this later, I suppose. It will come up again. ;P

I uh, wonder how long it was until you changed gears on your original plans. Kinda feels like you were still gunning for full-blown one-sided phantomquill at this point, ahaha.

When was the last time anyone had touched him with such kind intentions?

>kind intentions.

Yes, I am sure the intentions are wholly kind, I’m sure there is nothing awful or twisted or empty about them. God damn it, Meowzy. :P

Chasing Phantoms, Chapter 8

”Don’t worry, detective. I’ll put you out of your misery now.”

“Ok you helped save my life but I’m still gonna kill you lol.”

Whew… So we have the phantom outlining the full extent of Randy Liberate’s exploits. By this point though, I’d basically already dealt with and come to terms with, well, just how much Bobby had changed. I’d already presumed most of the phantom’s bombshells regarding that, but the extent of it still came as a surprise. I also hadn’t expected the text to make it this explicitly clear, and truly highlight it all, underscoring just how much it positions Bobby at the opposite end of a scale compared to how he was before.

Although, it didn’t really affect me too much, since I’d already done my fierce reactions to changed!Bobby towards the start – even if it was even worse than I’d assumed, I’d already mourned TotallyInnocent!Bobby, to the extent that hearing all this resulted in a kind of deadpan “well this may as well be the case, huh” within me – the most impactful fact was that Innocent!Bobby was gone, back towards the start. To what extent he had vanished, how far gone Bobby was, therefore didn’t change that fact, if that makes sense.

Chasing Phantoms, Chapter 10

Athena’s “phantom menace” comment really cracked me up. It’s little things like that which are not only funny, but they’re authentic, and I love that.

I really like how the narrative of this series handles names and identities, how in the flashback scene they’re called Randy Liberate and Bobby Fulbright – that’s just how it is. Because those ARE effectively their identities at that point.

…Okay this is random but I’ve needed to go through airports recently and digital fingerprinting was part of the process to get through at one point; it’s a relatively new addition though. Though I still took flights that didn’t involve it, but I just thought, man, Randy Liberate would be screwed, what with having no fingerprints. Although maybe Mr Liberate has a valid reason and there’s an alternative security check he could use – I’m sure the phantom would have thought it through and had everything covered for him. What a great guy! Very helpful, very considerate, amirite? And generous for allowing Randy to use his funds, too! Okay I’m done XD

No actually I’m not – one more joke:

”Don’t lose track of your phone, alright? You never know when I might call to check up on you.”

Awww he really cares uwu uwu uwu how sweet!

”Now Randy, remember to behave yourself. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!”

THAT was unnecessary, phantom, stuff you. This and the “stress could be the death of you” comment… HMPH.

So this chapter really drills home just how formidable and terrifying the phantom on the loose can really be. A horror movie thriller really could just pick up this whole concept and run with it freely – needing to keep your loved ones in sight at all times, lest they be replaced by an emotionless killer. The constant fears and paranoia and always second-guessing yourself whether such and such loved one is REALLY them or not or someone who would kill you without a second thought. Hmm! I was kinda excited/thrilled at reading of the phantom’s escape, only for it to all come crashing down on me how genuinely scary and awful that is for all of our protagonists and the characters that I actually, you know, care about!

THE SUSPENSE IS REALLY GOOD, WITH TIME PASSING AND NOTHING HAPPENING AND THE QUESTION BEING BEGGED “where is the phantom? What are they up to? What do they plan? They could be lying in wait anywhere. They could be just outside or in another country.” It’s SO GOOD.

At this point, I actually didn’t really… care about the phantom? I felt a kind of disconnect, wherein I had this absolutely hilarious and unfounded in retrospect assumption that the author didn’t really care too much for the phantom as a character, and would rather just focus on Bobby and Simon while the phantom terrorizes them somewhere far off in the background.

Me at the time: don’t get me wrong this fic is pretty fantastic and well-written, it’s just a shame that the phantom’s role is kinda minor I guess

(PFFFFFFF)

Yeah because the phantom will totally never have a prominent or pinnacle role in this series with “phantom” namechecked in the title – suuuure.

Well, to be clearer… The fic was/is still 100% my thing. The narrative was calling him a monster because he kinda is. This is the exact thing I’m usually looking for to read. So why was I feeling weirdly… hurt over that at the time of reading this initially? Well, it just so happens that around that time I’d just reread over the bulk of another phantom fic which in no way excuses the phantom’s crimes, but does portray them rather sympathetically. And it has them faux-getting along with Blackquill except some blurred lines where it becomes genuine getting along. Blackquill uncovers some tragic truths about the phantom’s past and you know, that kind of thing, where Blackquill finds themself caring and they hate that they do but they can’t help it (I’m not talking about Pengy’s fic if that’s what you’re wondering, pff).

So I was still stuck in “sympathetic phantom” mode from that fic where they’d been, well, kinda humanised. Even though I usually love the standard (accurate) “they’re a killer, they’re a monster” take, at that time I was sitting there kinda like “…aww. Right now, I kinda want just a slightly lighter take? Kinda bittersweet, like that fic… I kinda want. MORE.”

I bring this up because it amuses me to no end that I was, on some level feeling complain-y over the phantom a) not getting enough focus and b) not being… humanised enough??? IN THE SAME SERIES WHERE LIFTING SPIRITS LIKE… EXISTS. CAN YOU BELIEVE. I really had No Idea huh, was just completely and utterly clueless. But I never would have thought, never would have guessed in a million years what the endgame was actually going to be. Like, @ past me please have a tiny bit of patience and sit the hell down. You’re reading Chasing Phantoms and feeling lowkey sad because the phantom’s got such a bad rep (that they totally earned btw)? You’re actually assuming the author wants us to only ever see them as a monster? Pff, please. Honey, you’ve got a big storm comin’.

Little did I know that this series ultimately makes the phantom even MORE “friendly” and MORE likable than the other fic that made me crave that...

But yeah ‘cause of that at the time I was kinda like “ok I’m just gonna, tune out the phantom and how they’re an empty monster for a while cause it makes me kinda sad to think about.” LOL. Well Meowzy will leave no stone unturned, rest assured!

It’s the equivalent of having a nice pizza and the pizza’s absolutely great, there’s nothing wrong with it, but you just happen to not be feeling it at that very moment and are kinda craving icecream instead. (But on a normal day, you’re usually 100% down for pizza!)

[Meowzy voice] “not to worry, I brought pizza AND ice cream. The best damn ice cream you’ve ever had. But you have to finish your pizza first!”

#Phoenix Wright: [loses his badge]#Me showing up on my ace attorney blog with thousands of words of phantom fic commentary: Oh. bad timing?#renegadewangs #Phantoms and Mirages #Phantoms and Mirages commentary #Bobby Fulbright #Simon Blackquill #the phantom #long post

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