#i have no idea if this person is toxic or if it's all my fault for not communicating correctly

[missjessefantastico]

time to play nobody's favorite game! is this person truly annoying or am i just a judgy bitch?

[muntitled]

𝘽𝙧𝙖𝙞𝙣 & 𝙃𝙚𝙖𝙧𝙩

: ̗̀➛ Mattheo Riddle x Fem!reader | Brief!Harry Potter x fem!reader

: ̗̀➛ Summary: Jealousy makes the heart grow fonder.

: ̗̀➛ Warnings: Alcoholism, Dark!fic, Ravenclaw!reader, Bullying, Unrequited Love, Shy!reader, Toxic Relationship, Jealousy, Narcissism, Weaponizing!Harry (sorry boo), Fluff, A bit of Angst, Smut +18 (Minors DNI), DubCon, Semi Public sex, Unprotected Sex, Oral Sex, Masturbation, Dom/Sub, CNC, humping, Spitting, Degradation, Dacryphillia, Choking, Gagging, Subspace, Slapping, Sadism, Breeding Kink

5k words

A/N: Hell truly is empty. I apologise in advance.

You have made peace with the incomparable fact, long ago, that if the muggle God existed - if he is known to shepard Muggles and Wizards alike, then he was far too busy to attend to you. There is just too much going on all at once. The wizarding world is caught in its archaic intolerance of Half-Bloods. On the mortal side, you were informed from your private tutoring with Professor McGonagall that their smartphones are threatening devolution.

“It’s the closest thing they’ve got to a wand, Lovie, so we can’t really fault them on that, can we?” 6 years into your schooling at Hogwarts and you would continue to shadow Professor McGonagall, hoping you might one day soar to her heights of academic prestige in the wizarding world. You needed to be a Professor as much as a mortal needs to breathe….

You cannot let him, of all people, ruin things. Your reputation is a fragile, flammable thing - and he is freaking Kerosene.

It's difficult to pinpoint when it started or how your sensibilities rushed away from you so swiftly. One moment you’re planting your textbook on the face of a wooden desk - the sound reaching the rafters in the highest peak of the deserted classroom…

“A Guide To Advanced Transfiguration.” Mattheo read the title aloud with a tedious uninterested drawl. “Seems a bit presumptuous to shove this down my throat so early on. Shouldn't we be starting from the beginning?"

You ignored him promptly, using the silence to arrange your colour coordinated stationery on your desk beside Riddle's,

“I had no idea," You began, brushing off your blue lined robes and flattening the invisible creases on your skirt, "-That the person residing under my tutelage would be a first year."

Riddle stabbed the inside of his mouth with his tongue, while his eyes rolled to the back of his head. Your face remained passive as you continued, "You are a sixth year, correct?” You asked with a snide tilt of the head before planting yourself on the desk beside him.

“You are a big boy capable of understanding big boy books,” Unbeknownst to you, your words managed to stir something foreign within Mattheo but he conceals it with his usual veneer of arrogance as he swings his head lazily in your direction.

"May we begin?" You asked, with your back straightened - inches away from his hand now hanging on your chair.

"In a bit…" he says, "Just..." his voice trails off as his eyes scan over your visage, likely assessing it like an unseen tapestry. The truth is, Riddle did not know you prior to being forced under your tutelage. His droopy brown eyes appeared even more so as he broke the distance between you two and studied you closer. A tense silence grew pregnant in the ancient classroom, and your resolve was beginning to slip. Only one thought inflated a puddle of anxiety in your stomach:

Could this be your first kiss? Is this what first kisses looked like? Could this be your very first brush of intimacy overall?

Your brain failed to rationalise and compartmentalise his attraction, but your heart pushed your head closer.

"Call me a big boy again..." He had whispered… which evidently led you here.

Your lesson had ended with your hand covered in his release and a breathless smirk painted across his face. "This goes without saying," he breathed out with a satisfied smirk, "But tell anyone about this, and you're dead."

Ever since that day, your tutoring has been but a veneer of something much more sinister. When you were thrusted into the light of day, Mattheo overlooked you as did lots of his Slytherin friends. Besides the occasional threat and vague insult, you mean nothing to him.

When you two are alone, however, as you are right now, he would enchant you into servitude, lightly pushing your head down while he kissed you silly until your knees were planted on the hardwood floor.

Mattheo briefly opens his eyes to peer down at you. It is then when you notice the fresh bruise dotting the side of his face, and his pillowy lips split by a small incursion. He had very clearly gotten into another fight..

“Your mouth feels so fucking good when you're not using it to be a smart ass,” His words illicit a bubble of heat inside you.

Despite all this, you are clearly aware of the fact that you should not be enjoying this at all. Not one bit. For starters, you can feel the old wooden floors digging into the meat of your knees and the crisp winter chill is unkind to your scantily dressed state. Your shirt is unbuttoned because Mattheo was like a moth to a fucking flame when it came to your ample breasts and his hand is buried tightly in your kinky curls, forcing his cock even further down your throat. The very bones of Hogwarts seem to be in vehement protest of your blatant whorishness.

3 silver chains hang from his neck as he plants his other hand against the wall behind you, blocking your kneeling frame between both him and cold, hard stone. You crane your neck back, keeping a half lidded gaze on the jewelry that drives you feral with lust. You are content imagining that perhaps, when he is getting ready in the slytherin common rooms, he wears the silver for you. A fanciful thought but one that consistently has your intestines weaving themselves into knots.

That, paired with his striking, jet black blazer, which is discarded somewhere in the abandoned classroom, has you keening and fighting to take even more of him into your mouth. Perhaps you were peacocking a little - flatting your tongue so his cock slid seamlessly to the back of your throat while you fought to ignore the pain blossoming on your scalp. He had turned you from an inexperienced nun to something you're not quite ready to examine yet.

"You're finally putting this head of yours to good use…" Despite his feigned arrogance you're utterly delighted knowing that only you can bring Mattheo to such an utterly restless state. He does not really know what to do with himself.

Not when you took so much of him, so well.

You clench your toes.

Feeling himself get too close, Mattheo eases his cock fully out of your mouth, languidly stroking himself but still assuming a firm grip on your scalp. He is operating on that very specific plain of narcissism that was special to Mattheo. He is aware of your presence, physically, but his words are spoken into the open air, like you are an inanimate object. A glorified toy.

"Are all Ravenclaws as compliant as you are?”

You bring a crisp white sleeve up to your lips, wiping away the excess drool as you remain kneeled in front of him, knowing he has yet to finish.

"If you ever think of finding out," your voice is hoarse, "this will be the last time I offer you any free study sessions."

"Is money all you seek?" He attempts to feign composure, continuing to languidly stroke his cock. "How utterly greedy. I thought- fuck… - I thought you were far more philosophical than that"

You watch hungrily as Mattheo bites on his pillowy bottom lip. He is prolonging the release, taking his time as he usually did... "If you plan on edging yourself in my mouth instead of actually finishing the job, I do have other commitments to attend to-"

He ignores you... his brows furrowing and smoothening at odd intervals as he continues to touch himself while studying you.

"We may not be studying… but I still intend to pass Transfiguration, hope you're aware." He punctuates his sentence with an breathless laugh- it blossoms across his usually stoic visage, raising his buttercup cheekbones towards his smiling eyes.

As he talks, you examine his scars and feel the slow essence of admiration seep into the pit of your stomach. An arguably pathetic feat, given that your feelings will not ever be reciprocated.

Brewing inside you is the need to take care of him. You knew the rest of the student body viewed Mattheo as a glorified parasite. Something that is only capable of thinking within the capacity of its own means. Something that takes, and takes, and occasionally jokes around, and takes. But how could he know anything different? You suspected that his home life was built on the foundation of survival, on needing to be the loudest, and proudest, and worst of them all.

"What the fuck are you doing?" The sharpness of his words slice through your thoughts, bringing you back to yourself. Mattheo's gaze is placed firmly on something down below. Throughout his mindless tirade, your hand had taken to rubbing soft, comforting circles against the leg of his pants, quite literally on its own accord. Mattheo is bent over, head tilted as he watches you questioningly. Seconds stretch to a minute, and your stomach sinks as time passes.

Eventually, he dismisses you. He shakes his head. "Whatever," He says, tilting your head back and lining your mouth with the head of his cock once more. His visage darkens into a cruel sadistic grin. "Tell me you want me to come in your mouth."

Almost instinctively, you do as he orders and like clockwork, you swallow his cum, wondering if he knew how deeply and truly your words actually were. There was a moment, perhaps imagined, in which his fingers gripping your hair, melted to the side of your soft, supple cheek. It stays there for longer than necessary, leaving bits and pieces of your composure scattered in its wake.

Mattheo soon straightens his posture, stuffing his flaccid cock back into his pants before making himself as presentable to the student body as they know him to be (which admittedly is not a lot) And before he turns to walk away, he leaves you stranded on a glacier with his ice cold words cutting deep into your beating heart.

"Tell anyone about this-"

"And I'm dead," You interject, "I know."

And with that, you pull your ruffled collar over your lint-free school jersey and check your reflection to assess the damage Mattheo and his iron grip might have left. You needn't wait for an extension on the conversation because your job here was done, (pun so malevolently intended).

As far as Mattheo is concerned, you are an easy conduit to release his frustrations through because your unpopularity makes you so incredibly inconspicuous. You blend into any given crowd at any given moment, your name seldom reaching the heights of ridicule among his group because you are so unforgettable… There had been no reason to point out your flaws, not because you did not have any, but because you were simply invisible.

It is particularly strange to have any social interaction beyond the bounds of group projects and class discussions… so Harry Potter gifting you even a sliver of attention had been violently unorthodox. So unorthodox, in fact, you failed to look up from the weathered pages of your novel when his gentle voice wafted in your direction during a rare free period in Study of Ancient Runes. Your professor has been summoned quite promptly by the headmaster and has yet to return. The class has been in a state of havoc ever since.

"I don't know if you're aware of this but…" A deep shadow over the pages alerted you to his presence, "They both die at the end."

It was incredibly rare that Potter, who sat at the desk directly in front of you, ever felt the need to strike up conversation that was not purely academic. Gryffindors made use of Ravenclaws as often as Slytherins.

So naturally, you peer curiously up at him…

"Sorry?"

"Y-Your book. It's a muggle book, isn't it? I haven't seen anything with a cover like that around here. It's refreshing. Everything in the wizarding world is ancient and leatherbound." He mumbles as his index finger slides into the collar of his red quidditch jersey. He finds himself suddenly overcome by a wave of embarrassment even though there was nothing at all to be embarrassed about… he turns his chair slightly in your direction, his eyes darting to the door and the empty teacher's seat before meeting yours once more.

"'They Both Die At The End." He says, pointing towards the title.

"Oh…" You affirm, rocking your head back and forth, "You were making a joke?"

"No," Harry snickers before waving a large hand in dismissal, "Evidently, the only thing I 'made' was a complete and utter fool of myself."

You're not sure when it happens but you feel the lower half of your face melting into what you suspect is a smile. You can feel your shoulders relaxing and your novel lowering imperceptibly.

"Work on your delivery next time and maybe we'll be getting somewhere."

"Is that how it is!?" Harry asked, pleasantly surprised by your banter, "- I could've sworn I had a shred of dignity before the start of this conversation. Now I'm not quite sure where that went."

Mattheo's feet pass over the threshold as soon as the sound of your laughter rushes past him. It is almost charming in its familiarity but incredibly curious in its rarity. He can't recall ever seeing you with your head thrown back while the instinctive sound of amusement races through your throat. He does not know he's staring until Draco shoves past him, to get to their own seats in the front of the class.

His eyes remain on you as he makes his way to his desk, hoping, perhaps, that you would turn your head infinitesimally, in acknowledgment of his presence.

You do nothing of the sort, and it not only fills him with a weird sort of dissatisfaction but it bubbles into full blown vexation when he realises who is capturing your attention so viscerally.

Mattheo has never prided himself on his patience or tolerance.

Overthinking is something he consistently lives without.

Most of his actions were spurred from things he felt in the now, and he was really fucking uncomfortable with what was happening now.

His glances at the front of the class before finding you once more in the very back corner of the class. He notices that Harry is stationed in front of you but the seat beside you is completely deserted.

Did you not have friends?

And more importantly; how did he never notice until now?

What if…

Perhaps if he…

"You didn't let me know we were having a picnic," The sound of a chair scraping against the tiles had both you and Harry rallying into silence. Mattheo appears at your side, pushing the chair against yours so he, too, sits facing Potter - who suddenly appears incredibly uneasy. Gone is the comfortable atmosphere cooked by easy and amicable conversation. Mattheo injecting himself into your little bubble created a suddenly charged and suffocating atmosphere. You cannot keep your wide eyes off Mattheo as he lowers himself to his chair beside you with his legs spread as he slouches down, like he always does.

"Don't stop on my accord," He exclaims, completely oblivious to the fact that your professor might walk in at any minute. "What were we talking about?" Your heart wrestles in your chest as you see him turn to address you. His slouching puts him a level lower than you, but it does nothing to lessen his intimidation.

"Maybe I should ask, Potter?" Mattheo turns his attention to the front, "What were you lot talking about?" There is not a trace of friendliness present in Riddle's tone. In fact, it's the very opposite. Your nerves, swelling with anxiety, only escalate into full-on panic when you feel him place a large hand on your skirt under the table.

Harry's voice is low and his eyes are trained on the floor, "Books-"

"Books!" Mattheo cuts him off with sarcastic fervour, "How utterly fascinating!" The hyperbolic wonder in his tone is utterly rude and unbecoming, but you look down at your desk in blatant anger. Refusing to be a part of whatever this is.

"And tell me, Potter, how many books have you read so far?"

It is then that Riddle's once stationary hand begins the faintest trace of movement. He begins slow and tame, his callouses barely registering on the soft fabric until his fingers prod the lining of your skirt…

Your breath hitches in your throat.

Never had Mattheo ever displayed a desire to touch you. Not in the way he made you touch him. It was made explicitly clear that only he would benefit from your secret rendezvous' and so you were left to deal with your aching cunt alone, with the image of the face he made when he came, still burned into your mind. It had never been about you.

"A couple,'' says Harry, fighting to show this bully that he was unaffected by his intimidation. If only he knew that with every advance Mattheo's palm made, you were slipping farther and farther away.

"A couple books?" Asks Riddle for clarity. He remains lax and languid on the inside, but the nature of his wandering hand underneath the desk tells a new story.

He finally slips under your skirt.

His palm connects with the softness of your thighs and he seems utterly pleased by it. His hand is immediately restless to explore how far you would let him go. Which isn't very far.

Not at all.

If he thought he could suddenly touch you after myriad occasions of using you like a discarded toy… he had another thing coming.

The tips of Mattheo's fingers make gradually increasing strokes along your thigh until his fingers prod the stretch marks on your inner thigh. It is there when you stop him, clenching your legs together, blocking his hand from any further movement.

Mattheo's voice is strained as he says, "And you like reading, Potter?"

Sensing something brewing between the two of you - your withdrawn, hazy gaze, staring directly through the desk and Mattheo's overabundance in questions, has Harry reeling backwards.

"I asked you a question, Harry."

"I like reading."

"Good! That's really good!" Quite suddenly, Riddle tilts the ends of his half-moon nails into your thigh. His nails bite into your skin, forcing them to weaken and unclamp. Before you're even able to think, his palm is cupping your cunt through your panties- forcing an indecent yelp from your throat which you quickly (and very badly) disguise as a cough.

Mattheo is utterly pleased while he continues mindlessly stroking your cunt. Not for the purpose of any glorious stimulation. His hand is just there to show you (and perhaps maybe himself) that he has access to the most private part of you.

That thought alone has an unforeseen and sudden wave of lust coursing through his veins and surging straight to his hardened cock. He thinks of all the things he could have done to you but failed to do. He thinks about how, up until this point, he had ever been satisfied with using your mouth alone, not when he was denying himself the softness of your pussy all along.

He felt angry with himself, for being so fucking stupid, he is angry at Potter for seeing whatever it is he saw in you, way before he did and, possibly most harrowing of all is the fact that he is angry with you. And he can't help but be angry at you. How easily you whore yourself out to any and every man. If this thing with Potter had gone far enough, would you replace him? Had you even fucked Potter before?

You bite down on your lower lip as your head bows even further into your book. The words blend into one another, and all you can feel is a rise in temperature and Mattheo's suddenly restless fingers, pressing rudely against your clit - for the sole purpose of ripping an orgasm out of you right then and there, at the very back of an unsupervised classroom, with Harry Potter still very much a part of the conversation.

"You've got so many books to read in your lifetime," Says Mattheo. He sits up slowly, likely spurred on by the dampness seeping through your panties. "Don't cut your long life short by trying to entertain other people's girlfriends, yeah?" Gone are any traces of feigned friendliness. "Fucking Mudblood,"

Your skin feels like you are bathing in magma and you hope Potter could not see the slight tremor in your hand as you gripped the sides of your book with more force than necessary.

Mattheo's words… they have you shifting forward and widening your legs minutely. You crave for nothing more than to roll your hips in tandem with the circles he's pressing against your clit.

"Understood?"

Your orgasm is dangerously close, with the promise of sheer, disgusting shame and embarrassment if he continues. You feel Harry give you one final curious look, perhaps pleading for an interjection of denial at some point but you've taken to bouncing your knee under the table, hoping the vibrations might create enough friction to aid Mattheo's hands. He is keeping you trapped in a space of wanting. So much so, that this almost feels like a punishment.

Once Harry is turned back around and facing the front of the class, Mattheo lowers his lips to your ears. The damp smell of firewhiskey floods your nostril and you realise that he is completely drunk. In the second lesson of the day.

However, you're so completely stimulated, even the warmth of his breath as you fight the urge to hump into his hand like a lost little puppy until you make a mess all over his hand.

"You're such a fucking slut, you know that?" Your book drops to your desk - muffled by the sounds of the classroom cacophony. "You like being humiliated like this?" He asks, almost in complete awe. It takes everything in you not to moan outright.

"Fuck," You whisper to yourself, blinking your eyes shut, warding off the need but to no avail. His fingers are long and limber, and they have you nearly cumming right there, in front of your entire fucking class. Had it not been for your Professor's haphazard arrival into the class, and the swift removal of Mattheo's fingers from between your legs… you might truly have become the slut he labelled you as.

Instead of moving to his designated seat, Riddle raises his hand for the professor… the very same hand that has previously been in between your legs.

"Yes, Mr Riddle?" Asks the Professor, his voice as lacklustre as his appearance.

"May we be excused? We were excused by Professor Slughorn to assist him in-"

"Fine, fine," Says the professor with a wave of dismissal before turning his attention to the rest of the class. "The rest of you, open your textbooks to page 56."

Riddle's hand is clamped around your forearm, already leading you swiftly out the door in a long and wide stride. Had it been any other teacher at all, they might have recognized this for what it so clearly was.

"Here," you have barely made it fully into the boy's bathroom before Mattheo is stuffing his fingers down your throat, making you gag and yelp at the sudden intrusion. "Tell me how good you taste." He doesn't even bother to make sure you're truly left alone in the bathroom before pushing your front against the bathroom sink.

"Is that good?" His voice is as sweet as honey as he forces his fingers deeper down your throat, causing you to cough and gag around them.

Mattheo has half his sense to pull his wand from his back pocket, and without turning around, whispers "Colloportus," and the heavy doors snap shut.

You're supposed to be afraid because you've never seen him like this. Mattheo is always a ball of sarcastic energy between trysts, but it's usually an energy he can somewhat contain.

You don't know what to do with him, not when he's watching you choke on his fingers through the mirror, while his other hand fondles at your breasts and rips your bra down until your nipples are poking through your school shirt.

The figure in the mirror distorts as your eyes begin to water. Thick beads of tears grow pregnant at the ends of your eyes before rolling down the side of your face.

"My girl," Mattheo presses his face into your hair, breathing you in, pressing his body into your side. His hard cock in unmistakable through his school pants, "My messy little girl,"

You finally moan candidly while your fingers grip the countertops and your hips buck into nothingness. Your eyes plead with him in the mirror, hoping they relay how utterly useless with lust you have become. It would not take hard work to make you cum, you're sure one more flick against your material-clad nipples might send you over the edge.

"Fuck, why didn't I think of this sooner,"

This is all new, even for the two of you.

"Spread your legs." He commands, even though his feet are already kicking them apart.

"Come here," you break eye contact in the mirror to face the boy behind you. Mattheo removes his fingers sitting in your mouth, leaving a trail of sticky saliva in its wake before replacing it with a long and messy kiss- one that has his tongue forcing itself inside.

Mattheo weaponizes your distraction to reach around and slide your panties to the side with one hand while he rubs your soft nub with his other, spit-coated hand.

You break away from the kiss, neck craning back and mouth hanging open while your eyebrows dissolve into crescents. You cannot look away from him, as you hump his hand.

"You wanna cum?" You nod enthusiastically. "And what if I told you, you can't cum until I've fucked that little pussy of yours? Hm? What then?" His words have you mewling from the sheer pleasure they bring and your orgasm threatens to snap once more.

"Fuck," He hisses, feeling unable to remove his hand from your wet cunt but needing to, in order to undo his belt and pull his aching cock out. "Don't you dare fucking touch yourself," He says in a deadly quiet voice before bringing his hand up to your mouth. "Spit." You don't ever think of disobeying him, not when you're swimming so deeply in your subspace, not when he's the one to bring you here.

Mattheo collects every bit of saliva you offer him before coating his cock in the stuff.

Deciding not to waste anymore time, he does what his body is screaming for him to do: he bends you over the bathroom sink and pushes cock right through your slippery folds. It's tense and painful and your voice is hoarse from doing all that screaming but the sudden contact strokes a deeply sated part inside yourself. His curved and pretty cock rams your insides with reckless abandon, all while he delivers small slaps against your cheek. Riddle keeps a firm grip on your throat. His mouth is inches away from you while his hips rut into yours. His words are being delivered through clenched teeth.

"You think you're so fucking smart but you're just my little whore, arent you? A little whore thst fucks anything that gives her the slightest bit of attention?" It doesn't even register that Mattheo wrongfully suspects that there had been something between you and Harry but you keep your mouth shut. For all his indifference in the past, this is how you would make him pay.

"Oh~ fuck." His cock bruises your cervix, leaving him balls deep and feral inside you. "Fucking Potter?! You wanna give what's mine, to fucking Potter?!" His voice is utterly depraved and animalistic and it has your orgasm cresting.

He is panting, while he mumbles into your ear.

"What would Potter think? If he saw you like this? What would he think? Would he still want your slutty pussy knowing I've been inside it? Knowing that I've cum so deep inside you? Completely ruining you for anyone else, huh?"

"You…" The tears threaten to spill, "It's only ever been you, Mattheo -oh my god! I'm so fucking close!" You fight down tears as the lava begins to bubble at the pit of your stomach.

"S-Say it again. Tell me you want me!" He exclaims, "Tell me you fucking need me."

"Oh my God, Mattheo, I fucking need you." You push your hips back to meet his thrusts.

His voice wavers after your confession. His strokes became sloppy. His mind is flooded with the tightest of your cunt around his cock- how someone so smart could possibly ever say they need him. It has a flood of heat pooling at the base of his cock. "You're so fucking pretty… my pretty girl - my pretty whore," He nods to himself while his heavy cock finds purchase in a specific clump of sensitive tissue inside your cunt. It has you clamping your own mouth shut, your arms wavering while your back arches towards him, only allowing him better excess.

"I need you," You say once more, swallowing a ball of saliva as you nod towards him through the mirror, "I need you to cum inside me."

"Oh my fucking god," Mattheo's eyes soften in their desperstion, "M'gonna fucking breed pussy right here- fuck!" His grip on your throat grows tighter until you're wholeheartedly cut off from your air supply. You hump his cock until you feel it twitch inside you.

"Y-Youre making me cum, baby- fuck-" You feel his hot cum spurting inside your walls, triggering your own orgasm that has you gripping his cock like a vice.

"So… so pretty" His hips stutter against yours until you've completely drained him of his cum. A sharp tremor settles over your bones and you gasp in vague increments, waiting for the overwhelming state of euphoria to subside… but it never does.

The weight of what you had done comes crashing back down but you are unable to feel anything besides an immense wave of satisfaction at having your deepest need satiated.

"I think I nearly killed Potter today." His voice is a hoarse echo within the school bathrooms.

"There is no Harry Potter," You say, watching him through the mirror, "In my whole world, there is only ever you, Mattheo."

And a part of him believes you, but he refuses to affirm something as emotionally stifling as that. Instead, Mattheo's eyes flutter shut as his nose finds your hair once more. His cock is still buried inside you, and you hiss as he moves his hips slowly, almost insitinvely. He loves being so wholly enveloped by you. He loves feeling you everywhere.

© to @mphountitled on tumblr; do not repost

[brawlingdiscontent]

It's devastating enough that Louis can't say 'I love you,' because they were the last words he said to Paul before Paul walked off the roof, but then you have Florence explicitly accusing him:

"You must've said something to him Louis, you must've said something to him...What did you say to him?... Paul's in hell because of you."

A whole new level of devastation! Florence assumes he taunted Paul ("you always had to have the last word") not knowing as she drives the knife in that the words he said were "I love you"! She has hit on Louis' fear that there's something rotten at his core. And Louis—with his internalized toxic masculinity and homophobia, his pathological need to not appear weak, his fundamentally Catholic worldview—carries the secret feeling (FOR YEARS! ALONE!), from his queerness, his ties to sex work, his exploitation of others, that he is a creature so sinful, so monstrous, so evil, that his love brings death and he's condemned his brother to hell!!

(When he asks 'is my very nature that of the devil?' (ep 3 title) -- it isn't a question about vampirism, not really, it's a question that's fundamentally about who he is at his core.)

And every further hit—when Florence sees the devil in his eyes, when he almost eats his nephew, when his nieces are afraid of him and Grace loses trust in him—serves as validation that this feeling is right and Paul's death was somehow his fault. And the guilt, and the blame, and the self-recrimination compound.

No fucking wonder he can't say 'I love you' to Lestat! No wonder he needs Claudia, the girl who called him an angel—the one person who sees the good in him, who doesn't see evil in his love—to live so badly!

While Lestat also doesn't see his love as evil, Louis sees Lestat as evil, as confirmation of these ideas about himself—think about how Lestat delights in Louis' act of murder and mutilation right before Claudia is made ("companion of the dark gift, finally"). In that scene, Lestat shares his excitement at finally having a partner to match him and fully embrace vampiric life—and all Louis hears is 'everyone was right about you.' And so the full embrace of Lestat's love, of vampirism, feels impossible for Louis as he drowns in his own sense of culpability and his fundamental wrongness.

[sweetinsaniiity]

Sick, Little Games (PART II) Bonus Chapter Kinktober 2024 Special

► 𝙿𝚊𝚒𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚐 - psycho!mafia!mingi x fem!reader!Y/N ◄

► 𝙶𝚎𝚗𝚛𝚎/𝙰𝚄 - mafia au, plot with heavy smut (warnings below), established relationship, !dom Mingi, he's !sweet to you, a !dick to others, !toxic Mingi, but so is the reader, fourth wall break if you squint, my beta said it was funny (?), extreme jealousy, possessiveness, gaslighting, union, expecting, betrayal, reading is !passive aggressive, bullying (not by ML), college setting for Y/N, Mingi is a !smoker ◄

► 𝚁𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚐/𝚆𝚊𝚛𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐 - PG-18+ so MDNI!!!, Mingi has a !filthy and !offensive mouth, BDSM, hate sex, restraint (via chains), corruption kink, Mingi is a !sadist, so reader has !masochistic tendencies, spanking, hair pulling, hard biting, cock riding, doggy position, overstimulation, pain and pleasure, blood play (from biting lips), pussy eating, free use (rough consensual), anal fingering, anal fucking (via vibrator only), ass play, double penetration (with vibrator), cum shot, cum swallowing, cum swapping, no protection (DO NOT DO THIS!!!!), violence as !mafia members towards others, cursing, offensive language ◄

► 𝚆𝚘𝚛𝚍 𝙲𝚘𝚞𝚗𝚝 - 25K+ words ◄

► 𝚂𝚢𝚗𝚘𝚙𝚜𝚒𝚜 - You try to maneuver your life while being the prized obsession possession of the esteemed mafia lord, Song Mingi. After that fateful night in the subway a year ago, it hasn't been easy. His possessive and overbearing nature, and not to mention his jealousy, has been rough on your relationship. His overprotectiveness towards you has left you feeling like you're not your own person anymore. There were times were you think you can't take it, but Mingi doesn't mind, he'll just tie you up again like he did before. And this time, he'll do it even tighter. ◄

► 𝙽𝚘𝚝𝚎𝚜 - This is the bonus (and last) chapter for Sick, Little Games due to popular demand! I wasn't going to do it, but a lot of you have requested it, so here it is! Not a standalone fic, I would HIGHLY recommend reading the first part here so you get a gist of what Mingi's personality was and how it connects to this one as well as Y/N's perspective before the relationship. ◄

► 𝚃𝚊𝚐𝚕𝚒𝚜𝚝 - @ginger-mingi @0rangemilk @ruubyrubes @oddracha @jaytheatiny @juicy-red @cheolliehugs (let me know if you want to be added in the permanent list!) @roxannecos ◄

► 𝙽𝚎𝚝s - @cultofdionysusnet @wonderlandnet @othersideoutlawsnetwork @whipped-kpop-creators @illusionnet @pirateeznet ◄

“Come on, babydoll, you can do it,” he smirked as beads of sweat started to roll from his forehead down to his chin. His voice was hoarse from pleasure and his grip on my hips were getting tighter. “Give it to me.”

I bit my lip and sucked on it in anticipation. Mingi raised his eyebrows  at my refusal to move even though he could see how red my face was from  all the work.

"Don't play with me, Y/N. It's not a good idea," his fingers dug on my skin even harder and I was pretty sure it would leave marks the next day. "Move."

"How am I supposed to ride you properly if you're pushing my hips down?" I hissed. 

His eyes narrowed into dangerous slits before he lifted me by the waist and then roughly slammed me down and effectively impaling me on his cock. I screamed out loud when I felt him hit that sweet spot he knew that made me hot and bothered.

"Mingi, please," I whimpered, my shaking hands finding their place on his toned chest where the 'A' tattoo laid. I felt him tense underneath from my touch, it made his cock twitch inside me and I couldn't help but bite my cheek in the pleasurable sensation.

"Hey, this isn't my fault," he cheekily said, his hands trailing from  my stomach, and then higher until he groaned when he palmed my tits. "This is the consequence of your actions around me."

"You know I hate when you do this," I pouted. I gripped his shoulders before I completely wrapped my arms around his neck. "You can't just manipulate me into fucking you, if you want me, just ask."

He shifts from sitting down to completely laying down, his cock effectively going deeper inside me as I straddled him. "Now where's the fun in that?" 

I gasped when he suddenly grabbed my shoulder and pulled me down. "Now fuck me, and you better fuck me good or you're not getting up from this bed." 

"What---oh!" I sputtered out when his hips bucked up so he could fuck me even though I was on top. 

I whimpered when he grabbed a handful of my hair and roughly turned my head towards his to capture my lips in a rougher kiss while his other hand firmly held my ass and pushed it down to deepen his cock inside me.

"M-Mingi, yes, you feel so good i-inside me," I moaned out after he had driven deeper in my core, my head swimming in pleasure until all I could think of was how cock dumb Mingi always made me.

I heard him moan against my ear. "Yeah? Only for you, my love," he planted a quick kiss on the side of my head as his thrusts got sloppier. "Only for you."

All I gave him were my loud moans as I bounced up and down to meet his thrusts. Soft, vanilla sex has never been a thing between me and Mingi, but I swear I fall in love with him every single time I try and see him restrain himself so he wouldn't hurt me.

I grabbed his face so he could look at me and I almost came at how dark and seductive his eyes were. "Come inside me," I was breathless, but it was like I stole his breath with how his cock seemed to harden even more inside me, if that was possible.

"Fuck, babygirl, you always take my cock so well," he gritted his teeth. He groaned lowly when I clenched around his length. "Oh, fuck, I'm gonna fucking come---"

The warm gush of his semen triggers my own orgasm, albeit weaker since this was probably my third ever since we started, but it was still mind-blowing, nonetheless.

I collapsed on top of him while we both rode out our highs, with him still inside me. After a couple of minutes, I felt him shuffle a bit and I saw him grab the familiar packet of cigarettes he always kept after we have sex.

"Want one?" he offered me. I shook my head and he hummed in acceptance. "Want this to be the last time I ever ask you?"

"Yes," I whispered out, eyes still closed. He always offers me out of respect and out of pressure to try it. I have never been interested in smoking, but I didn't mind anyone who did. It wasn't my business.

Mingi's love is what I would describe as soothing. It's been a year since we got together, and it wasn't smooth sailing, but I never loved him any less. 

Like right now, I could fall asleep with how he slowly rubbed my back soothingly. It was difficult to believe that this was the Don that everyone literally feared and respected.

"So, university next week?" Mingi gruffly asked as he puffed out smoke from his lips. I hummed out a small 'mhhm' in response. "Hmm," he hummed back. "Who's dropping you off?"

"I'm not too sure," I tried to avoid eye contact. "Everyone has been busy training, I didn't want to impose."

I moaned softly when Mingi pulled out from me and laid me on the bed beside him after covering me gently with the blanket. "Nonsense," he raised a brow, his face turning serious. "And don't lie to me."

I blinked at him repeatedly, my heart beating fast in nervousness, but in the end, I gave in. "Please, I'm not incapable," I frowned. "I can take myself to school, I can drive or take the bus---"

"Stop talking," he closed his eyes and rubbed his temples with his fingers. "I don't want to hear it."

Hot, red, searing rage seeps into my bones and I sit up in anger, not bothering to cover my exposed chest. "Mingi, you can't just shut me out whenever I want to say something."

He takes the cigarette in between his index and middle finger and taps it, the ashes slowly falling on a tray as his eyes slowly rakes over my exposed skin before he smirks. "Seonghwa will escort you to college," he stares at me, eyes firm and absolute. "And that's final."

I had this blinding urge to scream at him and unleash all my frustrations, but before I could, he sits up and covers me up before he wraps his arms all over me. It would have been sweet had I not been mad.

"If you know what's good for you, you'll listen to me," he sighed. "It might seem harsh, but I'm trying to protect you. I'll burn this world if something bad happens to you."

I understood, I really did. Now that I have been exposed to this world, there's always a chance that, for example, a vindictive enemy might take me and use me to their advantage because I was Mingi's biggest weakness.

He tried very hard to hide me so I'd be safe, but that could only last so long and the next thing we knew, random people would bow to me in respect in random places. Mingi had cursed hard back then, it meant that the word had spread.

"It's like you don't trust me to take care of myself," I couldn't help but resent him.

"That's not true, my love," Mingi frowned. "I trust you, it's them I don't trust."

He lifts up a small box for me to see. I didn't even notice him getting it. "Open it," he grinned excitedly after I took it from him.

The most beautiful bluish-purplish ring bestowed itself upon me. I raised a brow in curiosity as I took it from its case and examined it against the light. I couldn't help but be in awe, and Mingi seemed to be pleased.

"What is this?" I asked as the light shone through it, a sudden viridescence from it making me raise my brows.

"This," he began, grabbing my hand and inserting the ring on my middle finger. "Is what we call an alexandrite, my water lily."

"It's beautiful," I stated truthfully. "But you know I don't like flashy things."

"No," he wiggled fingers playfully. "You said you didn't like diamonds, we never agreed upon anything else."

I rolled my eyes. There was no escaping how scheming and cunning he was. "Where'd you get it? They are rare here."

"Oh, from that guy we were dealing with from last month," he shrugged, crushing the cigarette butt on the tray to put it out. "I got it from him."

I paused for a bit, then frowned deeply. "You mean that deal you had? That guy hates your guts," I pointed out in confusion. I squinted my eyes when I saw his lips threatening to smirk. "What was he doing?"

"He was pretty busy," he stated nonchalantly.

"Busy as in?"

"Busy, uh," Mingi cleared his throat as he got up from the bed and began dressing up. "You know, busy passing away..."

I almost reeled in shock, not because of what he said, but how nonchalant he was over it. But I suppose it was his line of work after all, so I can't really say anything about it. I was perfectly fine with Mingi's world not revolving around me.

If only he could slow down on hovering over me, however.

"You killed him," I deadpanned, unimpressed. "For the ring?"

"Well, yeah," he was fiddling his tie and then sighed in defeat. "But not necessarily for that alone---kitten, can you fix this for me?"

I gingerly put a bathrobe on and began tying it for him. "You know you can't buy my affection," I looped the tie once before pulling it. "But thank you, I appreciate it."

He eyed the ring on my finger in satisfaction before bending down to give me a quick kiss. "I'll be back in a couple of days, call Hongjoong if you need me, but until then, behave for me."

I hummed. He was going on a "business trip" of some sorts, with what? That I didn't want to know. Of course, he couldn't leave before a little quickie with me. 

"And why should I do that?" I smirked, pulling on his tie to give him a kiss of my own.

I yelped when he squeezed my ass. "Because you're a good girl, and you know it," he whispered. "Or you can act up, I don't mind. I'll have fun punishing you when I come back."

"Bye, Mingi," I giggled. "Come back to me soon, okay?"

His eyes softened before he pulled away. "You know I always will."

I went straight to the shower when Mingi left. I didn't want him to leave, he never liked it when I did it anyway. It was already difficult to leave me, he said. Me watching him would tempt him to take me.

Life was well, or it was as good as it gets. I quit my job as a waitress a couple of months back because it was difficult to manage two lives now. He did let me keep it so I'd still have a semblance of normalcy in my life, but it was better this way.

I did enjoy the life that Mingi provided for me. It wasn't all bad, he would keep me away from as much violence as much as he possibly can, and he was an amazing lover. The rest of the members were also good to me. Sometimes, though, I just couldn't help but feel lonely.

My whole world revolved around this life now and Mingi was always busy. Everyone respected me, but that respect was only because I was Mingi's special person. Of course, they don't want to face his wrath.

College was a thing I truly enjoyed, it gave me time off from this life, and I also loved studying in general. True to his words, he did pay for my tuition so I wouldn't work anymore.

"Trouble in paradise?" Yunho asked in amusement when I marched downstairs where. He bowed to me respectfully. "Hope you're having a great evening, our Queen."

"Your boss isn't here, loosen up," I chuckled as I sat down across from him in the lounge room of Mingi's house - also known as his lair.

Yunho was currently cleaning his pistol, a small rag used to shine and polish the barrel into perfection. "How are you doing, Y/N?"

I smiled. Everyone used to call me something formal but I fought Mingi for them to call me by my name. I disliked the  divide between me and the members when all I was in reality was a regular person, after all, before my relationship with Mingi.

"Same old. Just living life little by little," I shrugged. Yunho smirked at my response and chose not to say anything. "Are you my guard until Mingi comes back?"

"That would be me," a voice behind me said just as Yunho was about to shake his head. 

"What's up, Yeo?" I grinned when I turned around and the muscular man patted my shoulder once before he sat down next to me. "Love the hair."

"Yeah?" Yeosang brushed his fingers through his hair. "I thought Hongjoong did a whack job before he bolted behind Mingi's balls."

Yunho and I snorted at the imagery. I still remember when I met him, though the memory wasn't all good when I was cornered in that alley a year ago. His then green hair was now a lovely shade of mahogany brown.

"Nice ring," he pointed out after noticing it on my finger.

Yunho glanced once and looked away, but then did a comical double take with widened eyes. "Hold on a damn minute," he nudged my finger up with the tip of his gun. "This ring looks awfully familiar."

Yeosang's face lit up in recognition. "It's from that stake out last month," he frowned. "I'm surprised, he was hostile. What changed his mind?"

"Oh, you know. Mingi said he was pretty busy," I shrugged.

"Busy as in?" Yunho squinted his eyes.

"Busy passing away."

"What?" he hissed, banging the gun on the table roughly. "He killed him? I needed that guy, I told him I needed him, that crazy fuck!"

"Why are you so surprised?" Yeosang scoffed. "Remember that restaurant in Barcelona?"

"Ugh, don't even mention that," I groaned. A couple of months ago when we traveled to Spain, I mentioned I pointed out to the first restaurant I saw, but it was via reservations only.

Let's just say that the owner thanked us not for eating there, but for sparing his life at the end of the night.

"I gotta thank you though," Yeosang snorted as he elbowed my sides. "Life's been peaceful for us ever since you came. You tamed the beast."

"Where did you meet again?" Yunho questioned, completely setting his guns aside to tune in. "Mingi's story changes three times a week depending on who's asking."

I laughed nervously. I was not about to tell them that their boss technically coerced me into a relationship - well, not really, I liked him anyway. The point stands, however, and I knew Mingi; if he didn't tell anyone, that means he didn't want anyone to know.

"You can ask Seonghwa, he was there," I deflected. it was the truth, he was there.

"Ha! That stuck up will talk if only hell freezes over," Yunho rolled his eyes.

"Hongjoong was there, too."

"That's liar number two," Yeosang deadpanned.

"Yun! Are you ready to go?" a voice suddenly called out. I let out the breath I was holding. That just saved me from an awkward conversation.

"I'm coming!" Yunho called out, craning his neck in the direction of the voice calling out. "On second thought, come over here and pay your respects!"

Footsteps approached from the other side of the room and the group's master combat fighter approached us with the most intimidating aura, but make no mistake, this man is the sweetest person behind his big muscles and fierce gaze.

"I am terribly sorry for my disrespect, dear Queen, I had no idea you were here," San bowed lowly and respectfully towards me. When he looked back up, he was grinning. "Nice ring, Y/N. That guy put up a fight."

"Bastard," Yunho shoved San's shoulder, steam virtually coming off of his ears. "You know I needed that cunt."

"Not my fault," San glared at the taller. "I'm just following orders. Plus, that maggot was pissing me off anyway. I hate whiners."

"Where are you guys going?" I asked curiously, trying to change the topic when Yunho stood up and put his gun in its holster while he fist-bumped San anyway. 

"Hey, Yeo," San nodded at the latter before looking back at me. "Your boyfriend asked us to train some rookies while he's out."

The redhead rolled his eyes playfully before he continued. "He just can't stand us being idle even though he's not here to supervise us."

"Permission to leave, my Queen," Yunho bowed respectfully before he left with San. I shook my head, no matter how much I tell them to be casual, I just have to accept that they'll always think me higher than I actually am.

"Want to get ice cream with me, Yeo?" I offered, twirling my car keys between my fingers, the same Bugatti that Mingi gave me last year. "I'm bored."

"Are you doing it for me or you just want to go out?" Yeosang raised his brows. "Mingi knows everything."

I giggled, caught in my lie. "Well, both at this point. I don't want you tattling to Mingi."

Yeosang laughed. "It is for your own good," he gently said, walking towards the door with me. "And I'd love to get ice cream with you, my Queen."

I repeatedly fixed my hair on the car visor in anxiety. I was usually never one to care about my appearance, but today I was especially anxious for no reason. 

"You look nice, Y/N, I like your hair," Wooyoung side-eyed me affectionately before he resumed concentrating on driving. "Is there something the matter?"

"No, Woo, thanks for asking though," I sighed as he turned to the university gates, cruising along slowly, but not without the many students staring at the marvelous car.

I cursed, usually any of them would take me in a regular car, or another high end car that's at least inconspicuous enough, but Mingi had taken it with him because he also needed something unnoticeable and undetectable.

"Friend to friend," Wooyoung spoke with a small frown. "I promise not to tell Mingi, are you having problems with school?"

I frowned. Of all the members, Wooyoung knew me the most. We were co-workers in the restaurant I used to work at for years before I even found out he was only using it as a front so he looked like a regular student. 

"No, at least, not that I know of,"  I truthfully told him. "I'd just look for you whenever I have issues."

"I'd skip my classes for you in a heartbeat," he smiled. "But I need a definite reason so I have an excuse to drag Jongho."

Right. The three of us went to the same college. They were both a year below me so we had different schedules and different buildings. I shook my head to assure him.

"I'll be sure to call you if I do, I promise," I sincerely told him. "Anyway, I want to go to lunch with the both of you later, so make sure to tell Jongho."

"Noted dutifully, my Queen," Wooyoung finally turned the engine off after he parked. "You wanna meet up here or at the hall later?"

"Hall's fine," I waved offhandedly. I got a bit distracted and I was a bit taken aback when my door opened. Wooyoung had already gotten out and opened it for me. "Stop doing that," I frowned.

I groaned when he ruffled my hair with a giggle. "I'd do anything for a beautiful lady like you," he winked flirtatiously when I got out of the car. "But seriously, I don't want Mingi to cut my head off and plant it on a stake."

I snorted as we both walked towards the entrance. "He's not here to see."

"Are you kidding me?" Wooyoung deadpanned, stopping at the hall intersection. My class was on the left and his was on the opposite side on the right. "Mingi knows everything," he shivered. "Trust me."

"I'll see you later, Wooyoung," I rolled my eyes playfully. He bowed lightly, muttering his respects before he left for his class.

When I walked to my classroom, it was empty and I realized that I was a bit too early, so it was not a surprise. With a sigh, I decided to hang by the hall that overlooked the entire school.

I thought about Mingi. I haven't seen him in almost a week by now and I couldn't help but wonder what he was doing. During these moments, he never usually held his phone - something about his enemies tracking him - so talking to him was a dud either.

I'd gotten so used to him and it did feel lonely that he wasn't with me, but at the same time, it was slightly liberating. He would never take me to university, himself, but he would mouth off anyone to do it because he was extremely overprotective of me. I bit back a smile, it was always the little things that proved he truly loved me.

"So yesterday, it was that scary tall guy, but today it was Jung Wooyoung. How many men do you have on your notch, Y/N?"

I closed my eyes and bit off the urge to groan loudly. That was the source of my hesitation to Wooyoung earlier when he asked if I was okay. It was the bane of my existence, the one and only biggest thorn on my side and for what? I have no idea.

"That's none of your business," I frowned. She was referring to Seonghwa because he walked with me all the way to my class and picked me up as well, garnering all the attention. I can't say I don't understand - Seonghwa was an attractive man.

"Seriously, how do you do it?" she giggled in that fake laugh of hers, high pitched and grating. "That pussy of yours must be magical."

I gritted my teeth, but kept my cool. The last thing I wanted was attention. "What do you want, Hana?"

Ever since the start of the school year, this girl and her cronies have always had it on me. It all started when Ateez guided me and picked me up on different occasions. The fact that they were hands on with me all the time certainly held a different implication.

"Mind your tone with me, you whore," she hissed venomously. "I hate people like you, you know? The ones that pretend that they're all that..."

She went near me and I froze when she leaned towards my ear. "But they're nothing but sluts like you who spread their legs for different men everyday," she whispered with a smirk.

It took everything in me to not yank her hair. It was all jealousy, I knew. After all, all the flashy cars, the handsome men, and my newfound sophisticated fashion would get noticed somehow, but I had a boyfriend and his organization to protect.

There is always that option to annihilate her, and I did try bringing it up to you Mingi at one point, but it wasn't worth it.

"Must you always irritate me?" I raised an annoyed brow at her. It wasn't like she was nothing either, Hana was our school topnotcher and she was actually cute if she wasn't such a nuisance.

She began glaring at me, looking at me from bottom to up, until her eyes landed on a specific area. "Nice ring," she stated. I harshly swatted her hands away when she tried to look at it. "Don't be like that, Y/N!"

"Leave me--hey!" I exclaimed when her claws gripped my hand a little too hard and had actually taken my ring off. 

But I was no pussy. She screamed when I yanked her hair and tried to grab the ring that Mingi had gifted to me as a proof of his love. I wasn't about to let no bitch take it away from me. He literally killed a man just so he could give it to me.

"Let me go!" I screeched when her cronies held me by the arm and stopped me. I saw red when Hana put the ring on her finger and lifted her hand to examine it. She giggled afterwards, muttering how good it looked on her.

I couldn't resist the rolling of my eyes. I was too old for this high school bullshit, really. I shook her cronies arms off of me successfully. "I didn't know you liked blood diamonds," I smirked, riling her up. "I suggest you give it back, you don't know where that came from."

I mentally cursed when the hall began to fill with people. Hana used that to her advantage and smirked dirtily at me. "You can always ask for more from your sugar daddies," she laughed before walking away.

I took a deep breath to control the oncoming rage that threatened to swallow me whole. I glared at her back as she started to walk away, smirking.

She can have her fun for now. I wasn't Mingi's partner for absolutely no reason. I will get my payback even if it took me a while.

It didn't stop me from feeling like crap the whole day, though. I had to cancel the lunch with Wooyoung and Jongho because they'll notice my sour mood. And they weren't dumb, they'll find Hana and they'll kill her. She's a horrible bitch, but I don't want Ateez to be the center of attention.

But overall, I was just upset about the ring. I didn't care how expensive it was, I loved it because the love of my life gave it to me. I unconsciously touched my finger, feeling naked without it, but I'll leave it for now.

Dumb, I know. Certainly unbecoming of a proper female lead like me, I'm aware, but that's fine, I'll play the game but just know - Hana will get her unbecoming from me.

"Everything okay, beloved Queen?" Seonghwa frowned when he saw how silent and tense I was. I was so pissed all day that I didn't even realize that the day was over.

I glared hard at Hana, who was busy showing off the ring and gloating in the attention she was getting for something that was mine. She turned and saw me, glaring hard at me when she noticed how Seonghwa put an arm across my shoulder.

I rolled my eyes so hard I was surprised they didn't pop off. What a hypocrite, the way she stared at Seonghwa like a piece of meat was disgusting.

"I'm just tired," I deflected. "Thanks for picking me up, Hwa. I wish I could just drive myself home so I wouldn't bother you guys."

"With all due respect, Y/N, but that is the dumbest thing you've said in a while," Seonghwa opened the door for me and I got in without hesitation.

I didn't miss all the stares the car got but at this point, I didn't care. "We love taking our time to serve you, Y/N, please believe me," Seonghwa said as sped the engine and began to zoom across the city. "Is everything okay though? I heard you canceled lunch."

"Yes. Is Mingi home?" I tried to change the subject. If one more person asked if I was okay and I would explode on the spot.

"He certainly is, our Queen, he was actually looking for you," Seonghwa smiled. "Would you like to go home and see him or would you like to buy a snack for yourself?"

"You spoil me," I giggled.

Seonghwa laughed. "But, of course. Mingi will literally carve out our internal organs and hang them outside."

I cringed. First Wooyoung's head-on-a-stake threat, and now this. It gets worse each time. "Seonghwa," I began. His dragon-esque features contorted in question. "Do you guys...only treat me like this simply because I'm Mingi's special person?"

Seonghwa was visibly taken aback by the question. "Y/N, how long have you been thinking about this?" he sighed at my lack of response. "Y/N..."

"I just can't help but wonder," I murmured. I was ashamed of myself, Hana really got under my skin. "And Mingi---"

"I'm gonna have to stop you right there," Seonghwa's voice was stern. "While, yes, it did start out as paying respects to our moll, but we genuinely like you for you," he softly explained. "And don't get me started with Mingi, he genuinely loves you."

"You think so?" I asked meekly, fiddling with my purse like it was interesting.

"Y/N, I know so. We are not blind, plus we know Mingi. Hongjoong kept complaining because Mingi's patience ran thin quickly when you're not near."

Everyone always told me that apparently, Mingi was a completely different person before he met me. "Granted your, uh, the way you met wasn't the best," Seonghwa cleared his throat. "But please believe me when I say that his feelings for you are genuine, and we do consider you as our friend, if that's not any disrespect, my Queen."

I patted his hand that was on top of the gear stick tenderly. "Thank you, Seonghwa," I smiled warmly at him. "I suppose a snack wouldn't be too bad, what would you like?"

"I'm not too picky, plus it's your snack, not mine," he chuckled. "You're very thoughtful, Y/N. It's no wonder Mingi loves you."

I decided on buying a crap ton of doughnuts in the end. Mingi had a habit of watching over the training grounds whenever he came home after a long trip. I know for a fact that the rest of Ateez would be there, so I decided on a snack that's light and easy to grab.

"What took you guys so long?" Hongjoong greeted us by the door after me and Seonghwa got out of the car. He bowed down low when he saw me right behind Seonghwa. "Greetings to the Queen."

He patted me on the shoulder once as he grabbed the doughnut boxes. "It's good to see you, Y/N," he smiled back. "These doughnuts? What's the occasion?"

"Not much," I shrugged, nodding when Seonghwa asked for permission to leave. "I just figured I'd get everyone something. How was your week with Mingi?"

"Atrocious," he snorted as he led me to the area where new recruits would train. "I saw a glimpse of the old Mingi, this was the longest time he was away from you and he's like a damn toddler."

I couldn't help the loud laugh that bubbled from my chest. "That bad, huh?"

"You have no idea," Hongjoong laugh out loud. "He's Mr. Lover Boy with you, but he's a massive dick on the scene. Don't tell him I said that."

I cackled without grace at his statement. Leave it to Hongjoong to talk without any filters on. It's what I like about him the most, it was so refreshing because the rookies would always tremble and wouldn't even look me in the eye when I'm speaking.

"Anyway, he's in a nasty mood right now because he thought you'd be home when he came," he said. I rolled my eyes. "Would you like to see him, still?"

"Yes, please. Thank you, Hongjoong."

I've seen Mingi in action, this was no different. He was the coldest of the cold and it might seem like a teen cliche flick, but that's how he was. It worked very well in his favour, though, you don't just own a mob without reason.

Mingi was the second son of the Song family. He refuses to tell me the details, and all I knew was that his older brother never wanted the throne, but Mingi did and so he coveted it, and that's fine. I didn't need to know the details to love the man.

I was just an orphan who was trying to struggle in this world. It wasn't all that bad, I actually did enjoy my life before I met Mingi. I loved him dearly, and he does I, but it was a mutually beneficial transaction after all.

As we neared the grounds, I could hear the familiar booming scream of someone that always talked to me like I'm fragile glass.

"It's not that difficult, it's not like I'm asking you to eat a whole fucking lettuce and shit out some Greek salad. You should've stayed as a blowjob, fuckface. On with it, go!"

"Is he always like this?" I asked Hongjoong with an amused face as Mingi's yells bellowed on the entire space.

"Yes and no," Hongjoong chuckled. "He doesn't actually get involved in the training, well, we don't really train per se, but if you're asking about his mouth, then yeah. That's how he is."

When we both stepped on the grounds, nobody even noticed us. I raised my brows in fascination, there were multiple people - people who I assume are trying to get in the ranks -  spread out in varying positions, but all of them stood stick straight as they looked forward.

Everyone was there too, minus Wooyoung and Jongho who both still have a couple of classes.

"What seems to garner your attention rather than us, bottom feeder?" I heard San's voice at the far end of the field. I looked at Hongjoong and he was smirking.

"Uh," the poor lad who was San's victim pointed at the sky. "I saw some g-geese flying around..."

"I see," San nodded a bit before looking at the flying geese, himself. "Well, do you feel like flying, yourself?"

"I-I'm sorry, S-Sir?"

"You heard me," San grinned. He snapped a finger and Yeosang, who I didn't even notice, pointed a gun at the poor bloke's foot. "Fly."

"B-But---"

"And you better chase after them real nice," Yeosang smirked. "Come on, my finger's really itchy right now..."

I watched in morbid fascination as the guy yelped and actively chased the flying geese around, his arms flapping out towards the sky as he mimicked the flying birds.

The other people gulped but stood still so they wouldn't be the next one. I watched San turn around, his face contorting into the most painful looking smile as he tried not to burst out laughing. He discreetly high fived Yeosang, who also sported the same expression.

"Never gets old," Hongjoong chuckled, himself.

"Who exactly are these people?" I frowned.

"Underlings, so to speak. They handle petty crimes," he explained. "The youngest ones, San, Woo, and Jongho, used to do it simply because of the seniority we held, but as Ateez grew, we eight only handled the most important ones."

My prize was on the uppermost frontal area, however. I smiled softly when I watched the man I haven't seen in almost a week, wanting nothing but to run towards him and give him the tightest hug ever. I took my time raking my eyes over him and I couldn't help but feel hot all over.

He was currently with Yunho and the two seemed to be in a serious conversation with Seonghwa as the bird-man fiasco was going on in the background. They didn't seem to notice me and Hongjoong lingering around the corner.

"I could ask Yunho to bring over Mingi here," Hongjoong suggested, but I shook my head, muttering 'it's fine' under my breath.

Suddenly, Mingi nodded once to Seonghwa, face as serious as ever, and patted him twice in the back before he broke off and marched towards the front again.

"If that flying twat over there doesn't stop, I'll toss you as bird feed," Mingi pointed at Yeosang before he rubbed his temples in annoyance. "The rest, spread apart by a foot."

Wordlessly, the underlings held a formation that even I found pathetic. Mingi's vein popped out of his neck. "You call that a formation?" he barked loudly. "Spread out!"

They were too spooked to do it, but did so anyway in a poor attempt. "Further," Mingi chided with a raised brow. "Further, you cocksuckers, further."

Just then, I saw Seonghwa point in our direction and Yunho made eye contact with me in surprise. He bowed his head lightly as he stood up. I shook my head at him with a small smile and pointed at Mingi.

"I said a foot, worthless pigs, a foot! How hard is that?" Mingi bellowed so loudly, I was tempted to cover my ears. "What in the fucking world, Your girlfriends and boyfriends have been lying to you!"

He looked absolutely murderous. It was nothing short of horrifying - Mingi was tall, and this attribute of his made him look more intimidating, and the way he carried himself in his authority was something to be rivaled. He was also an intelligent man, he knew when to use this authority and when not to use it for his advantage.

If I was at the end of all that yelling, I suppose I'd be terrified as well. This was the side of him that he refused to let me see.

"My Queen, I think that's our queue," Hongjoong pointed at the field. By this time, San and Yeosang had already seen us as well and everyone else's eyes were on me now. I shifted uncomfortably at the attention.

"The fuck are you little cretins looking at?" Mingi snarled. He turned to look at San, and the man coughed while he pointed in my direction. 

For a second, Mingi's vicious eyes were pointed at me when he looked, but it soon melted into a mix of shock and innocent excitement with all the love he held for me. 

"My beautiful sunshine," he breathed in, as if not believing what he was seeing.

"Hi," I greeted weakly. Mingi smiled widely at me, much to the astonishment of everyone present, and spread one arm out, beckoning me to come to him.

I didn't hesitate and ran as fast as I could to him and he didn't think twice to pull me close to him. All my worries melted away in his embrace as if they never existed in the first place. "I missed you," I whispered.

"Did you now, sweet pea?" Mingi had a small smirk on his lips that was nothing short of affection towards me. He kissed my forehead tenderly before he leaned his head on the crook of my shoulders.

"You weren't here when I came home," his muffled voice sounded.

"I'm sorry that I have a life to live," I chuckled jokingly as I ran my fingers through his hair. "Weren't you supposed to come home later, anyway?"

"I rushed, it was hell without you," he groaned before he lifted up and held my face gently. "You should wait for me naked next time."

"No, Mingi. We talked about this," I giggled. "By the way, I bought some doughnuts for everyone."

"Yeah?" Mingi hummed and looked at Yunho and Hongjoong helping themselves. "Slobs," he rolled his eyes. "Why are there a lot, though?"

"Oh, I bought some for them too," I gestured to all the underlings on the field like it was nothing.

Mingi paused, his eyes hardening as he looked out towards the field. "No," he hissed, his eyes darting dangerously at the wide-eyed men one by one.

Mingi's public display of his affection towards me rendered them into an awkward silence. I frowned when I felt Mingi spin me around and now I was faced with fear-stricken individuals who don't even want to look me in the eyes.

"Everyone, this is my love and also my queen," Mingi began, voice resolute and tinged with hardness. "And yours too, should I accept any of you. Pay your respects."

Nobody moved, not even an inch. Has Mingi really changed a lot? It was so mind boggling to me because he's been nothing but a great support system for me. And these people looked terrified of me in extension.

"Well?" Mingi's voice boomed from behind me expectantly. I jumped a bit from the intensity of his voice and he murmured a quick apology to me along with a small kiss to my head.

It seemed to make everyone's blood rush away from their faces. At first I didn't understand, but Jongho explained it to me well one evening.

"A man who has his greatest weakness in the form of their love through another person is far more dangerous than a thousand armies because he has everything to gain and everything to lose."

I was Mingi's greatest weakness, but I could bring death. If anyone touches a single hair on my head, then it's over for them. 

I smirked, it felt great to have all this power in my hands. Mingi's squeeze on my hips indicated that he knew what I was thinking and he approved.

"So it's true, the almighty Song Mingi and Ateez does have a queen..."

"Who said that?" Mingi snarled, his hold on me tightening. "Are you an idiot from the bottom of your heart?"

Yeosang, with a huge strawberry doughnut with sprinkles in his mouth, kicked a boy no older than twenty-one behind his leg to push him forward.

"Think you're tough shit, small fry?" Mingi called out. I heard snickers from behind us, from either Seonghwa and Yunho. "I bet that even if it rained pussy right now, you'd still have a dick in your mouth. Name?"

I ignored Mingi's vulgarity. "S-Shin Myungsoo, Sir," the boy hesitantly looked at me. "I p-pay respect to the esteemed Q-Queen."

Mingi hummed in approval. "Good," he beamed, baring his teeth like an apex predator. "But you do look like you haven't fucked with anyone before."

The poor boy squirmed under all the Don's attention. "You ever fucked another man, Myungsoo?" Mingi asked in amusement.

"N-No, Sir, not that I recall..."

Mingi blinked repeatedly, tilting his head in curiosity. "Would you like to?"

"Mingi," I elbowed him discreetly so as to not embarrass his authority as loud guffaws of laughter and cackles from the rest of Ateez could be heard from behind me.

"Alright, I'm sorry, love. Let's go," he gently guided me by the waist, his sweet attitude throwing me off as well. He tossed something that Hongjoong caught easily. "Joong, take over."

"Aye," the latter smirked.

"He's in," Mingi pointed at Myungsoo with his thumb. He turned to the said kid and nodded. "You got balls, kid."

He got a doughnut for himself before we both walked out of there. "Enjoy your day, ladies." 

We were met with groans of faux annoyance and Mingi only laughed when we had walked away. The moment we were out of sight, Mingi leaned down and our lips met.

I yelped when he suddenly lifted me in his arms bridal style. "Don't scare me like that," I laughed out loud as I wrapped my arms around his neck. "I really missed you, baby."

"I'm never doing that again," he mused with a small shake of his head as he started walking while he carried me. "I should take you next time."

I hummed in fascination. "I always ask to come, you're the one who always says no..."

I trailed off, tilting my head and Mingi looked at me expectantly. "You have, uh," I pointed at his lip. "A little something here."

He got one of those powdered donuts and it left its trail on his lips. Mingi tried to wipe his lips repeatedly but he couldn't seem to get it out.

"Let me," I murmured. Without thinking, I leaned in and instead of wiping it with my fingers like a normal person, I licked it away. Sweetness automatically covered my tongue.

"You did not just do what I think you did," he smirked at me, his eyes significantly getting darker by the minute. I shrugged in response. "Do it again."

I blinked repeatedly before I did as he wanted. It was only the start of our night and the night was long ahead of us.

Things went back to normal a couple of days after. I decided to skip my classes - do as I say, kids, not as I do! - so I could spend time with Mingi

"May I ask why you're making me park towards the back entrance, my Queen?" San, my designated driver for today, had a curious look on his face.

I grimaced, not expecting him to actually ask questions. The others always did it without hesitation, except San.

Whenever I went home, Mingi is always in his office doing things I don't understand so I'd have time to compose myself before I went to him, but lately ever since he came home, he's been hanging out in our bedroom for some reason. 

"Can you just do as I say, please?" I cringed. It never really felt good to me whenever I'd command anyone in general. "I'll make it up to you--"

"A bit too late for that," he interjected. "Look."

I sighed, dejected. By the back door was Mingi, he was just standing there as he watched San park the car. "How did you know I was avoiding him?" I wondered.

"Sometimes, I think that you forget what it is that I do," San winked. "And for the record I didn't," he hesitated a bit before he continued. "You should know that Mingi knows everything."

I was screwed. It was the same warning that Wooyoung told me before. I said a quick thanks to San for picking me up and I got out of the car with the fakest smile I have ever mustered on my face and gave Mingi a chaste kiss on the lips.

"How was your day, little dove?" Mingi's deep voice always brought me comfort, but this time, it brought me anxiety. 

That, or I was just extremely paranoid.

"It was good," I shrugged, the lie making my tongue itch. "Yours?"

His eyes travelled all over my face before his smirk grew wider. "Good," he placed a hand around my waist. "Is there anything you wish to tell me?"

"N-No, Mingi, I don't," I managed to stutter out, avoiding eye contact at all costs.

"Where's the ring I gave you?"

I froze in my place. There it was, the sole reason why I was avoiding him. The excuse I was formulating in my head was that if he asked, I would have told him that I already took it off and kept it in the room.

Again, I couldn't do that because he's been in our room a lot.

"Oh, I didn't feel like wearing it today," I said a lot more smoothly than I thought I'd do since it was a big, fat lie. "W-Why are you here anyway?"

I didn't want him involved. I'd get my ring back, myself, and I'd teach that little shit the lesson she needed.

Mingi raised a brow. He looked at me inquisitively, but he didn't say a word. 

My heart was about to leap out of my chest, it was the most tense fifteen seconds of my entire life, it was much worse when we were at that subway station a year prior.

"I see," he drawled out lazily. "Look at me, Y/N."

I yelped when he pushed me back against the wall as he towered over me. I craned my neck up robotically to look at him. I was already nervous as all hell and he was making it worse. He rarely called me by my name at this point.

"I-Is there a problem?" I managed to stutter out.

"I don't know, you tell me," he shrugged in mock fashion. "Why have you been entering from the back door?"

I grimaced. "I wasn't."

He stared at me some more, his eyes holding an expression I couldn't pinpoint. It was like he knew what I was thinking, but the little smirk on his face indicated that he'll let me have my secrets for now.

I mentally shook my head. There was no way he knew. I knew Mingi, if he actually knew, there would have been no stopping his fury. It wasn't much of a secret that Mingi can kill someone faster than he could blink. 

"Kitten," he began, his finger slowly tracing my cheek, my jaw, down to the outline of my cleavage. "Are you sure?"

If I listened to my intuition, I would have keeled over and spilled everything to him. Mingi had always been the apex predator, and I had always been his prey that he's been absolutely obsessed with for some reason. 

"Positive," I responded after a while with a small smile on my face to assure him.

I was going to regret that, I could feel it. He leaned away, his eyes expressionless. "Very well."

I released the breath I didn't know I was holding when he turned his back on me. The air was so tense, I could feel the panic in my chest threatening to take over. There weren't a lot of things that rendered Song Mingi silent, I wasn't sure about this one.

"College treating you well?" Mingi's deep voice filled the silence. He began pouring rum on the fine crystal glass that lay waiting on the nightstand. He had a thing for keeping alcohol in our room.

"As good as it could get," I replied dryly, removing my accessories and my clothes to change onto something more comfortable.

He hummed, low and slow. He took one swig of the earthy alcohol on his hand before nodding in appreciation of its taste. "Remember to keep a low profile," he grunted out. "Don't forget."

"I know, you've told me this before," I frowned. "I'm not associated with this...world enough to give it out for other people to take."

"Sure, you are," his voice tilting towards that possessive edge. "You're mine, that is your identity."

I paused. "What does that mean?" I asked, my voice strained from confined vexation.

"Exactly what it sounds like," he deadpanned, his face stony, his eyes dark, and his form relaxed. He looked like a true villain. "It is by far the most important thing you'll ever be."

I resisted the urge to scoff. The nerve of this man and his audacity will never fail to surprise me. "And what?" I raised a brow. It was a challenge to his authority. "My identity besides that doesn't matter to you? L/N Y/N, the college student, doesn't matter?"

He tilted his head at me, unimpressed and borderline displeased. "This isn't for me," he reiterated, the tone of his voice tinged with annoyance. "I'm not with you 24/7 to swoop in to save the day. And I still need you."

"But I don't want you to save the day, Mingi. Seriously?" I untied my hair in frustration and I yanked my own hair a little too hard. "And what the hell do you mean 'you need me'? I'm not your doll---"

"You better not finish that sentence, Y/N, I'm warning you," he slammed the glass down the table with a loud thunk. "You know that's not what I mean, do not put words in my damn mouth."

"What was I supposed to think, then?" I hissed. I glared at him so hard, my own eyes hurt. I almost wanted to scoff, he didn't even seem fazed.

His grip on the glass tightens, however. "Y/N," he gritted my name out in warning.

"No, Mingi. You're going to listen to me," I declared, not caring what he said after. "I'm my own person too, goddamn it. Everything is about how you'd feel or what you wanted, but what about my well-being or my own personal growth?"

This wasn't the first time we've had this argument, if you could call it that since it's like talking to a brick wall. I knew he always had my best interest at heart, I really did, but as the year passed, it got difficult to see and feel.

Everything still ended up with either what he wanted to happen, or whenever he'd ask what I'd do, it always ended up back to him. The worst was that he only did things for me when it benefitted him.

"Where is this coming from?" Mingi loosened his tie roughly and took another shot of the rum. "You talk as if I don't give a flying fuck about you, Y/N."

"But it sure as hell feels like that," I retorted in anger. "I know you love me, but do you love me because you need me, or do you need me because you love me?"

My heart bled when his face dropped for a split second. Suddenly, something in him snapped. "What are you doing? If you have all these problems, you could have talked to me a long time ago," he snarled.

"We are talking, no? This is exactly why I don't," I snapped, going forward and taking a shot, myself. I hated it, but I was too pissed to show it.

"Goddamn it, goddamn you," he hissed. He snatched the glass from me and threw a bottle of water at me. "Drink it."

"I'm not done---"

"Drink it," he growled at me and for a second, he looked horrifying. "Or so help me God, Y/N. You're testing my patience."

I scowled, twisting the cap off and quickly downing at least a quarter more than the amount I'd usually drink in one go to wash off the unpleasant taste of the alcohol from my mouth. "Happy?" I sneered.

"Hardly," he snatched the bottle and slammed it against the table. He crossed his arms and continued berating me. "I don't know what your pretty little head has been thinking, Y/N, but let me tell you something. Whether or not you believe it, I do care for you. I care for you more than I've ever gave a fuck on this damn planet."

"Let me be my own person, Mingi, please," I whispered in defeat. "It's like you don't trust me to not spill your secrets or something, that pisses me off. I get why you don't let me out alone, I really do, so I'm way past that."

I waved my arms around to gather my thoughts, overstimulated with all the emotions I was feeling all at once. "But it's the fact that all these decisions of yours that involve me, I don't even have a say in it. It's like you don't care about what I feel."

"But I do, my angel, is that how low you think of me?" Mingi sighed very loudly in exasperation. He pauses, like a thought just struck in his head. "Am I suffocating you?"

"Yes," I replied without missing a beat. 

He squinted his eyes on me, not loving my answer, but he didn't say anything. "It's almost as if I was the 'prize' that you already claimed and now you can just do whatever you want."

For a moment, we both didn't say anything. The air was so brittle that it could snap in a moment if one of us broke the silence. When everything was said and done, I automatically regretted everything I said. I was so stressed about everything that I used Mingi as my punching bag.

I looked at him and he was royally pissed, as he should even though it hurt me. Rage painted his face, and sadness washed over me because he usually never directed that look of pure anger towards me.

But I wasn't going to prevail. I loved him, and that's why I feel bad, but my point stands.

"Of all the people in this godforsaken planet," Mingi began, his eyes setting on me with a hard glare. "I am the last person you'd ever want to pick a fight with, bunny. Trust me on that."

He had always been the dominant type, and the fact that I just questioned his love for me not only bruised his pride, but also hurt his feelings. I could see it on his face.

He began to swirl the amber-coloured spirit in its glass slowly before he took one last sip and set the glass some indefinitely tonight. It was moments like this where I remember how intimidating he actually was.

"Can I ask you something?" Mingi finally said after a while. I didn't reply, but he asked anyway. "Do you love me, Y/N?"

"Of course," I blurted out.

"So shut your mouth. I have had people talk like this to me many times before," he spoke, his voice quiet. He dug into his coat pocket and produced a cigarette stick and proceeded to light it up.

"No one who did it is alive to tell you how poorly that worked for them," he slowly dragged out the stick and blew smoke rings. "You are the only one I allow to talk down on me like this, Y/N, but I am warning you."

His index finger pointed at me as a cautionary gesture. "This is the last time this conversation will ever happen. If you have nothing good to say, better not say anything at all. Understood?"

I nodded as I avoided eye contact, but he wasn't having it. "I need words, angel. I don't ever want to hear that I don't love you. Answer."

"Yes, I understand," I replied gingerly in defeat.

"Good," he said flatly. "Get out of my sight."

I was taken aback at his hostility. I stared at him, but all he did was stare back. He was really pissed. "You can't kick me out," I frowned. "This is my room too!"

"Fine," Mingi started to stalk forward until he stopped directly in front of me. "I'll stay in the guest room for now. You can take all the time in the world to fix this bitchy attitude of yours."

"Fine, you dickhead," I gritted. "I don't want to see you anyway."

He chuckled and I gasped when he suddenly wrapped his arm around my waist. I wrapped my arms around his neck and he took that as his queue to lean down and give me a quick peck. "I love you," I murmured. "But fuck you."

His eyes widened before he burst out laughing. "I guess I deserved that," he shook his head in amusement before he pulled away and went to open the door. "I'll see you later, love."

True to his words, he actually did end up staying in the guest room and he was there for probably a week now. 

Now that I was without his domineering and overwhelming presence, I was able to think properly. Mingi wasn't a saint, but I was no angel, either. We were both toxic.

But he was much worse. I ended up loving him, but to this day, I'm not sure if he loves me or he just lusts after me. So I did the next best thing I could think of so he could have a taste of his own medicine.

"Y/N, can't you guys just talk?" Jongho groaned in frustration, banging his forehead against the marble table. "He's been in the worst fucking mood I've ever seen ever since I met him!"

We were currently on the rooftop just relaxing since it was the weekend and there was nothing better to do. "I didn't do anything," I shrugged.

"Exactly, you're not doing anything," Jongho sighed. "He's still so salty that you blocked him."

"It's not like he's blowing my phone up."

A vein popped on Jongho's neck. "My great Queen," he smiled sarcastically, trying to rein in his annoyance. "Let's just say that he's close to incinerating his phone from how much he's using it lately."

Before I could reply, we both whipped our heads towards the direction of the stairs where poor Yeosang was climbing while he carried the biggest bouquet of flowers I have ever seen.

"Special delivery," he grinned as he handed it to me. I smirked as I inspected it, I had to hand it to him, Mingi knew his flowers.

There were blue hyacinths, white orchids, and lilies of the valley combined all together - all of which are flowers that symbolize an apology and an acknowledgement of how they messed up.

By the third day, Mingi had realized how much he had fucked us up and he had tried everything in his power to see me, but I wasn't stupid. University suddenly became a blessing because I'd have classes coincidentally whenever he'd try something.

Calling me was a no-go either. I blocked him the moment he left the room that day, though it wasn't supposed to be this much of a problem. We literally lived in the same house and it's not like he's been traveling anyway.

"Give it back to him, I don't want it," I shoved the bouquet back at him. Like I said, I wasn't an angel either.

When that didn't work, he had sent Seonghwa to me with a distinct set of car keys from the dream car I've always wanted. I rejected that too.

"Keep it up," Seonghwa laughed out loud. "I like the fact that you're putting him in his place."

"That's not even it," I sighed. "When will this man learn that he can't buy my affection?"

The last straw was when he actually dragged Jongho from one of his classes so he could try something with me again, but I wasn't having it.

But I wasn't that vindictive. I missed him, I truly did. As much as he was the way he was, I couldn't help but miss his warmth and comfort. He loved me in the way he saw fit and that will always count for something.

As I was about to sleep, I heard a 'ding' from my phone. At first, I wasn't going to look at it, it might be Mingi or someone he put up to woo me and win me back, but when I looked, it was an unknown number.

Dear VIP customer, show this message to the stylist to receive the next hair cut FREE!  Offer valid thru  05/06 plus 10% discount on purchases! Reply 'STOP' to cut out subscription.

I raised a brow in amusement. Of all the messages I was expecting to see, a promo scam was the last thing I expected. 

I was in need of a nice haircut, now that I thought about it. Maybe it'll help Mingi see what he's been missing. 

"Business nowadays are so creative," I chuckled as I began to type 'stop' on my phone.

I set my phone aside and began to try and find a comfortable position to lay down and sleep, but I growled in frustration when my phone dinged again. 

I hastily grabbed my phone, but my anger dissipated when I saw that the same number had replied back. 

Great. Unblock me. Now. - SMG

I blinked repeatedly on my phone in disbelief. Did he just do what I thought he actually did? With that, I laughed out loud. I laughed so hard tears started to form in my eyes and I had to make an effort to actually stop since my stomach was beginning to hurt.

The moment I had unblocked Mingi's number, my phone started to ring incessantly. I immediately picked it up. 

"My peach?"

More tears started to spring from my eyes, but this time, it was out of relief and peace of mind. "H-Hi, Mingi."

I heard the same sigh of relief on his end and it was only then that I realized that I wasn't the only one hurting during this entire time. "I missed you so much," I sniffled. "I'm sorry for being a terrible girlfriend and for the things I said."

"Hush now, darling. I'm the one who should apologize," he whispered. "I'm so sorry that I've made you feel the way you did. I promise I'll be better."

"Can you come in the room so we can sleep?"

"I'm very sorry, but I'm not home right now," Mingi apologetically said. "I left an hour ago to the neighbouring city. I thought you were already asleep. I'll be back soon, okay?"

"I see," I muttered, sadness penetrating the line. "Am I disturbing you?"

"You could never disturb me, my love," he assured gently. "Do I have the privilege of taking you out to dinner tomorrow night to make up for it?"

The nervousness in his voice was so endearing to me. It reminded me of why I love this man so much. "Are you sure?" I asked hesitantly. "I don't think I deserve such good treatment from you..."

"Please, don't talk like that, sweetheart," he pleaded softly. "You deserve everything and more."

"Then, I'd love to go to dinner with you," I sincerely answered.

He made a small noise of excitement and we both laughed at his antics. God, he was so cute. "I'll let you go, you seem to be doing something," I said. "I'll see you soon, I love you."

"Wait," he suddenly blurted out. He hesitated, a pause on the line, before he spoke out. "Would you like to stay on the line until I get home?"

My heart exploded, a small smile painting my face. "I'd love to. Are you sure, though?"

"I'd like to see someone try and stop me," he chuckled. "Sleep, my sweet nectarine, I'll be here with you."

It proved to be the most peaceful sleep of my life in a long, long time. True to his words, Mingi stayed on the line, sometimes talking to me, sometimes just not saying anything, and I slowly fell asleep to the rhythm.

Mingi said sweet nothings and comforting things until his voice was directly near my ear without the barrier of the phone.

I felt the ghost of his lips kiss my forehead as he snuggled up behind me to spoon me. "I love you too," he whispered.

When I woke up the next day, Mingi was already gone. All he left was a note on the bedside table.

You look so cute sleeping, I didn't have the heart to wake you up to see me go. If you need me, call Wooyoung this time. I'll pick you up, myself, after your classes.

I bit my lip to stop myself from screaming in excitement. This would be the first time that Mingi has ever offered to pick me up. He hated the public eye, and so he avoided even his own alma mater.

"You said he's going to pick you up, himself, huh?" Yunho smirked as he walked me to the college entrance. "I don't believe it."

I gave him the note that Mingi had left for me that had his distinct penmanship in the morning and showed it to him. "Huh," he huffed in amusement as he gave it back to me. "I wonder what he ate this morning."

"Who made breakfast?" I raised a brow, narrowly avoiding the onslaught of stares that me and Yunho got, especially him. Curse Mingi for hiring attractive people.

"Hongjoong."

"Ah, that probably explains how shitty it tasted."

We both laughed out loud, not caring if we received looks. "What did Mingi say?" I snorted in between laughter.

"Almost shot the poor guy," Yunho replied with difficulty in between his own laughter. 

I held onto his arm for support as I imagined my poor boyfriend's face as he put whatever monstrosity Hongjoong had made. Both Seonghwa and Wooyoung were sent somewhere to oversee another transaction, and Mingi didn't trust anyone enough to even bring us a glass of water, so that left the next best thing.

We parted ways when I was near the entrance since Yunho also didn't want to enter the school. He also went here for college, and as a matter of fact, everyone did. They all met here, actually.

"Oof, I'm sorry," I apologized to whoever I had collided with as I was walking. 

I was instantly in a glaring match with none other than Hana, who had probably bumped onto me on purpose. 

"Another eye candy, Y/N? You never get enough," she smirked as she looked Yunho up and down as he walked away.

"Eat shit and go die in a ditch somewhere, Hana," I sneered, hitting her on the shoulders with mine to make a point. I heard her call me back to give me a piece of her mind, but I ignored her.

I got to my classes with no issues. Luckily, this period - creative writing - was one of my favourites so my mood was lifted instantly. I mean, it's how I was being brought to life in this story.

Soon enough, the professor was assigning everyone in pairs for a short group project that was to be submitted by next week since everyone already had this class once a week.

"Hey, Y/N, I'm so fucking glad I'm partnered with you!"

"Me too, Keeho, urgh, you're the only I tolerate in this school," I rolled my eyes playfully as I jokingly shook his hand while he pulled the chair to sit beside me.

"I'm sorry if that's the case, people are dumb," he offered as consolidation. "People are just jealous. To be fair, your chaperones are all hot as hell, seriously, where do I sign up?"

I laughed out loud at his statement. Keeho had told me he was bisexual before. "Or maybe you're the only one who has a working brain," I chuckled. "Are you okay being seen with me, though? I don't want to damage your reputation."

"Reputation, my ass. That doesn't exist with me," he laughed. "There's a catch, though. I'm not free this week, unfortunately, how do we figure this out?"

"It's fine," I waved off. "My, uh, boyfriend has been working home lately so my place is off-limits as well," I smoothly lied. 

It would be difficult to meet Keeho somewhere since the boys would have to tell Mingi what I'm doing. They love me, but their loyalty towards Mingi will always supersede that. It's nothing bad, Mingi was just abnormally jealous and possessive.

I decided to skip my next two classes to focus on the project, but for the most part, I did it so I wouldn't be tempted to kill the crone that was Hana since she was both in those classes with me.

Keeho and I went to the cafe nearby and spent the majority of our time there. When it was starting to get too crowded, we moved to the university library. I've never been partnered with him before, but we both proved to be a good team.

"And that's it," Keeho enthusiastically pressed the 'enter' button of his laptop before he turned it to me. 

"Looks good for a one day project," I grinned, raising my hand for him to meet in a fist bump.

When we walked out of the library and towards the parking lot, it was almost empty since classes ended a while ago. "I'll text you the day before we present," I told him.

"Sure thing," Keeho smiled. He looked around and I was confused. "Is your ride here?"

My eyes widened a little when the thought had struck me. Mingi was supposed to be here already. "Ah, he should be here any minute," I said, nervous and hesitant even at my own words. "Maybe there was traffic."

"Alright, I'll wait with you," Keeho waved his hand towards me. "Let's sit on my trunk so we don't have to stand."

"No, I don't want to keep you. Don't you have a date right now?" I appeased him, not wanting to ruin his night just because of me.

"I do, but I'd feel uncomfortable if I just left you here alone," he explained. "My date would understand. I'll just tell him."

"I'll tell you what," he continued right after. "If your ride doesn't come within ten minutes, you should call. Fair?"

I nodded and then we waited. And then we waited some more, but it was becoming increasingly evident that Mingi wasn't going to come soon.

I willed the tears that were forming in my eyes to go away, angrily wiping them off with my palms. Keeho looks at me sadly. He put a hand on my shoulder and just as he was about to say something, my phone rang.

"Hello?" I greeted angrily when I saw the name on the screen. Keeho raised a brow on my hostility.

"I know you're mad, and you have the right to be," Mingi began, his deep voice strained. "I didn't mean to forget, baby, I just got caught up in a lot of shit---"

"It's fine," I cut him off in a clipped tone. 

"I'm with Seonghwa right now, I had to break Hongjoong out of jail," Mingi deadpanned, voice extremely pissed. "I am so, so sorry, babygirl."

My eyes widened in visible shock. I was pissed, but on the other hand, I can't get mad too much because this will always be Mingi's priority, and I accept that. I took a deep breath before I said anything.

"Just take care, I'll figure something out," I sighed. "Bonk Hongjoong in the head for me."

I heard a loud smack and a small 'ow!' in the background. "You piece of motherfucking horse shit," I heard Mingi spit out, his voice far away from the phone. "I should just kill you right here..."

I rolled my eyes and put my phone down. I smiled sheepishly at Keeho who was just waiting patiently for me to finish. "Rough night, huh?" Keeho snorted.

"Something like that," I replied. "Say, is it too much for me to ask for a ride home?"

He smiled and got down from the trunk. "Hop in, I'll drive while you talk."

I thanked him multiple times before I did hop in. Mingi wasn't done berating everyone even when Keeho had already started driving to the address I gave him. 

"Y/N, where are you?" Mingi growled lowly when he got back. "Are you in a fucking car?"

"Yes, I most certainly am," I smirked. "A friend is taking me home since you're not here."

Mingi scoffed loudly. "Are you serious? I was gonna send Yeosang to pick you up! And your friend, you said?"

"Eh, too late," I put the phone on loudspeaker. "Say hi, Keeho."

"Hello, Y/N's boyfriend!" Keeho chirpily greeted, you know, like a normal person.

I couldn't say the same for my own boyfriend, though. "Are you serious, Y/N?" Mingi growled, still on loudspeaker. "I swear--"

"Bye," I quickly hung up the phone and turned it off. Call it a little revenge for forgetting about me and not even letting me know beforehand.

It's bringing me satisfaction that he's probably going crazy over the fact that I was with another man right now and he can't reach me. But, oh well.

In the wise words of the entirety of Ateez, me and Mingi deserve each other.

"No offense, Y/N, but your boyfriend is hot," Keeho giggled.

I laughed. "I don't want to disappoint you, he's a little rough on the edges."

"Girl. Boys who have voices like that are bound to belong to a hot man," he sassed, making me laugh harder. "Anyway, what does your man do? Your chaperones' cars are damn nice."

I got caught off guard with the question. I knew everyone would notice, but I still wasn't expecting the directness. What I didn't tell was that each member had been using their own cars and Mingi had given them the liberty to do so.

"He's what I would call self-made."

"Oh? Like a big business?"

"You could say that," I laughed nervously.

We stayed silent to bask in whatever peace we had left, at least, that's what the rumbling of my stomach was telling me. 

Sooner or later, we reached the house. It took a while since Mingi preferred isolation. At first, Keeho had driven past it, but when I told him he did, he turned back around.

It wasn't that he believed that somebody like me couldn't possibly live in a place like this, it's just that Mingi's lair was abnormally huge and abnormally grand.

"State your name and your purpose," a familiar voice monotoned from the intercom when I had pressed on the familiar button.

"Hey, Jjong. Can you open the gates for me, please?" 

"Y/N?" Jongho's surprised voice sounded out. There was a slight pause on his end. "Oh? Is that the friend that Min's bitching about?"

Keeho raised a brow but I just chuckled without any humour. "Jongho, please."

And then we were in. Keeho whistled in awe at how big and vast the gardens were. Mingi had a thing for this aesthetic. There were different arrays of flowering shrubs around us, the most memorable ones being jasmines.

But by far the most luxurious addition was the massive water fountain by the front. We weren't even near the house yet and we could both see it. It was an homage to Mingi's father since all of his was his legacy.

"Holy fucking shit, Y/N. Who the hell is this guy?" Keeho's eyes were wide as he took in his surroundings, his mouth was ajar at the disbelief. "Is he hiring?"

I was about to laugh and say something, but the breath from my lungs got caught and it began to constrict as my heart leapt to my throat when I saw Mingi by the doorway. He stood straight, his legs apart from each other a bit, and his arms were crossed over his chest as he stared at me through the windshield.

He looked relaxed, like he was just outside for some fresh air, but I knew better than that. He was livid - he was so mad that what's usually mistaken as an easy stance was him rigid from so much wrath and undiluted rage.

Keeho gasped when he looked at where my line of sight was. "Who's the hottie?"

I sighed. “That would be the boyfriend.”

He squealed and playfully nudged my shoulder. I internally cursed, if he only knew. Unfortunately, Keeho had reached the front lawn a little too quickly and I had no choice but to get out. But I froze in my seat even after Keeho had already gotten out.

The door opened on my side and I was about to get out, but I jumped back when I realized that it was Mingi who had done it. His head leaned low and had stuck his head inside the car to stare at me.

It was awkward, at least on my end. Mingi was just staring at me. It was the same stare he used for everybody except me, and I never realized how frightening it was until it was directed towards me. I have never seen him this enraged before.

"Let this be a reminder," he began, his voice leveled, quiet. "Of the consequences of your own actions."

His statement had left a bitter taste in my mouth. He cocks his head to the side and I suppressed a yelp as I crawled out of the car with my tail between my legs, if I had one. 

"A-Are you mad at me?" I dumbly asked, not knowing what else to say.

"No," Mingi replied. He rotated his head until his neck cracked along with his knuckles. "I'm very fucking mad. I could kill him."

"Would you?" I paled, my knees threatening to buckle underneath me.

"No," he replied once more, but this time, for a second and no longer, his eyes flashed with pain. "Because I love you."

Dreaded shivers travelled down my spine when Mingi changed his expression from fury to like that of a smiling businessman. Before I could say anything, he had begun to walk towards Keeho, who walked away earlier to give me and Mingi a bit of privacy.

"I would like to extend my appreciation for bringing my beloved home," Mingi had his arms wide in a welcoming stance with a grin on his face. "You, Sir, are one brave soul."

I tensed, this voice form of talking was only used when he was Song Mingi, the ruthless Ateez mafioso, and not Mingi, the love of my life. 

Keeho was confused for a second, I cringed at the poor guy's attempt to gaslight himself to believe that everything was okay. 

I wasn't going to stand by this. I stomped closer to them just in case Mingi did something stupid. Thankfully, he looks like he just wanted to shake Keeho's hand.

"Mingi!" I gasped in horror when Mingi had punched Keeho in the gut when the latter had gotten closer. 

Keeho was hunched over in pain while Mingi looked over his shoulder to give me a wolfish grin and a terrifying glare. 

"That’s for being with my girl,” he glared. Then, he smiled and patted Keeho's shoulders as he coughed. “Thank you, though.”

He grabbed Keeho’s hair and shoved him roughly. “That’s for approaching a moll.”

My legs ran before my mind could comprehend and I was about to help the poor guy up, but then, Mingi's glare on me intensified and it rendered me frozen.

"M-Mingi?" Keeho's eyes widened as his eyes snapped towards the taller man. A panic stricken look of recognition crossed his face. And Mingi grins sadistically. “S-Sir, I really didn’t know!”

“I know,” Mingi laughed, getting a napkin from his pocket and wiping his hand with it. "It is my right-hand man that you recognize. You do know him, yes?"

Keeho nodded hard, so hard that I was scared his neck would dislodge from his body. "K-Kim Hongjoong, Sir!"

I was surprised. Keeho was in this world. It makes sense, Mingi's presence was rarely seen, if not, never. It was also the reason why Hongjoong had never driven for me or picked me up, he usually sent him in his stead. He wouldn't have recognized either.

I felt betrayed a little, though it is unfounded since no one who is a mafia member would ever admit it anyway.

“You’re lucky I like your father," Mingi crossed his arms again in displeasure. "I would’ve shot you dead by now and I'd have fun doing it."

He leans forward a little, his bulked figure leaving an imposing impression. "However, I am merciful. And you did bring my beloved home safely," Mingi gestures towards the gates. "I'll give you a thirty second heads up to leave, if you're still here by then, I'll instruct my men to shoot." 

The poor guy scrambles to get up and runs towards his car, tripping in the process, gets in, and starts it by record time. "Say hi to your father for me, you fucker," Mingi spat.

Without waiting for Keeho to completely disappear out of view, Mingi turned to me and unleashed his demons. “You. Upstairs. Now.”

The command brought an entire army of goosebumps that spread all over my skin, enveloping me in fear and apprehension. 

It was just him and I standing face to face, the only thing that could be heard was the rustling of the tree branches that surrounded us and the palpable beating of my heart that increased every minute.

"Mingi, please," I whimpered, my body locking as a fright response to Mingi's darkening mood.

Regret started washing over me as if a bucket of cold, freezing water was poured over me. This was my nightmare incarnate, just like how Mingi was everybody's boogeyman - the thing you're scared of that's living under your bed.

He hummed, deceitfully calm. On surface level, Mingi looked nonchalant; the epitome of grace in the eye of a brewing storm. He looked like he didn't care, but I knew Mingi. I knew that on the inside, he was consumed with so much incandescent rage, he didn't know how to express it with me since this was the first time that that type of anger was directed towards me.

"Follow me," he instructed, and without waiting for me to respond, he briskly turned around to go back inside the house. When he saw that I wasn't moving, he went back and grabbed my hand.

"Mingi, stop it, please, j-just let me talk this out," I pleaded as he started dragging me not harshly, nor roughly, but just enough for me to start walking.

"You have deliberately disobeyed me," his voice was wrapped in gloom, while he said it as a statement, it sounded more like venom. "You do not get to bargain for your case."

He tugs on my hand for me to go faster and it was already starting to get the attention of the others. "Mingi, seriously, you're going a little too far now," I tried to reason out, highly embarrassed that he was dragging me like a rag doll around.

"My little dove," Mingi chuckled darkly, his voice overtaking something I didn't recognize. A yelped when he roughly slammed me against the wall and held my shoulders.

"W-What are you doing?" I stammered. 

"You're testing me, Y/N. No amount of begging will stop me when I start with you, I'm telling you," Mingi's voice drops down to a dangerous octave. He smirked as he ran his finger through my hair. "But you like that, don't you? You like it rough."

I whined when he pulled and jerked my head backwards. He leaned until his lips were almost touching my ears. "You either follow me willingly or I will carry you, myself."

I tried to push him back, but he wouldn’t budge. It was like pushing a big metal door. Mingi had always been an extremely possessive and jealous man, however, he has the most self-control out of every man I’ve ever met. These things never usually bothered him.

Between the argument we had a week prior and San going to jail, what little of his self-preservation has dwindled away. Me being in a car with another man was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

”What’s going on?” 

We both turned to the source of the voice - Yunho along with a surprised Jongho. Behind them were a couple of people that I didn’t know, but of this life, nonetheless. “Mingi, what on Earth?”

“Get out,” Mingi whispered.

Jongho tried to approach, but was held back by the taller. “Min, I know you’re mad, but please don’t hurt her,” the strong maknae had tried to persuade, but all in vain. “Is it because of the guy earlier?”

”What guy?” Yunho frowned.

Mentioning that was a mistake and everyone could see it.

”Get the fuck out, I said!” Mingi bellowed this time. His outburst came as a surprise to everyone, and it also instilled a type of fear that layered on top of whatever existing fear they already had for him. “Out!”

Yunho had ushered everyone out, but not before looking back and giving Mingi a nasty glare, but the former could care less. I whimpered when Mingi grabbed my arm roughly and dragged me along with him upstairs.

I was hastily shoved in our room, jumping a bit when Mingi slammed the door so hard behind us that I felt the entire house shake. He didn’t say anything, he just began to slowly stalk towards me and I kept backing up until I dropped to the bed.

The adrenaline rush of everything had completely melted off of me, leaving me numb and scared. The way he hovered over me, he looked like a massive predator. All I could was stare at his cold, empty eyes. 

“Mingi, I am so sorry,” I spoke first hoping to break the tension between us.

He raised an angry brow. “I don’t recall telling you to speak unless I asked you to.”

I was stunned. It was the last thing I expected him to ever say to me, especially when he was this mad. I lowered my head in shame.

“I made a promise to you back then, Y/N. And I’d rather lose myself than break it,” he began. I held my breath when he grabbed my chin and roughly titled it up so our eyes would meet. “Do you remember?”

I nodded, at least, I tried since his grip was hard. “Everything I do is for you,” he whispered. “I told you I’d please you and protect you. Why is it that you do all these mental gymnastics to literally not do what I tell you?”

Tears had begun streaming down my face at every word he emphasized whilst his hold tightened and he began to shake my head furiously. “You’re fucking lucky that you had befriended the third son of the Yoon family, Y/N.”

“It’s also why no one has dared approach you, while no one may know you’re mine, it’s an open secret that the Yoons are in this world,” he let go of my face, shoving it roughly. “Tell me, Y/N. What goes in your brain whenever you know something will piss me off?”

"I-I’m sorry, please,” I sobbed. “I’m hard-headed I know, but I will do whatever it is that you tell me—-”

"No, you will do it, because you have no fucking choice,” he hissed. He stood away from the bed and began to walk across the room to get something I couldn’t see. “Though, I must admit, I’m not perfect, either.”

"The only difference is,” he continued. “You will be the one paying for it, not me. You can’t just fucking get in another man’s car just because you’re mad, Y/N. Do you have a penchant for dying?”

"I know, Mingi, I know, you’re right, please,” I sniffled, the whole truth spilling out of me. 

“No, you don’t,” he snapped. “Because if you did, you wouldn’t have done it. My enemies will do anything to get their filthy claws on the one thing I have ever loved - you. They would do anything to weaken my standing."

"Are you going to tell me all the reasons why I messed up and why I should be subservient to you?"

"No, doll face, I don't believe in should," he came back with a bag, it's content, I have no idea what. "I do believe, however, in showing you the consequences of why you should never do it ever again."

A wave of shame and despair washes over me and I take a deep breath. My mind just goes blank and I hear my heartbeat pump ideas into my head. What was he planning?

"Here's what's going to happen," he said flatly without any emotion, yet firm and absolute. "You are going to take all of your clothes off, turn around, and kneel on the bed, back facing me."

My world stopped then and there. "W-What?"

"You heard me clearly, Y/N. Get to it before I completely lose my patience with you," he deadpanned, his eyes shining with a certain type of sadism I've never seen before.

I did as told, shaking all the way through. I must have blanked out for a moment because the next thing I knew, I felt my wrists being shackled by something cold; something metallic. My jaw dropped, I was pretty sure that Mingi had chained my wrists together behind my back.

"You look so pretty like this," he mumbled from behind me. "Doesn't this remind you of something?"

It did. I gulped loudly, memories flashing through my mind like old films. How could I forget? This was essentially how we met, with Mingi shackling me against my will a year back. It was the same uncertainty, but twice the fear because now, I knew what Mingi was capable of doing.

I began to tremble, especially when I couldn't hear anything from behind me. I was afraid to turn because he would punish me, so I stayed still. The silence was completely overwhelming, I couldn't even hear his own breathing.

I whimpered when big hands were suddenly placed on my shoulders and I felt a hot breath at the back of my neck. I was startled, Mingi still hasn't spoken, and it was killing me not knowing what he was doing.

I felt fingers tracing my skin from the back of my neck slowly all the way down to the lower part of my back, shivers following its wake, and then the same fingers went back up to my neck.

"Close your eyes," I heard Mingi's soft whisper. "And don't open them until I tell you. If you disobey me, I will punish you. I'm not fucking around this time, so don't try me."

I immediately did as told, scared of the consequences. His fingers were back tracing my skin until it concentrated on my neck. The sensation was so overwhelming that I couldn't help but let out a soft moan.

He grabbed my hair firmly, not enough to hurt, to the side to further expose my neck. I felt my body heat up when his lips grazed my collarbone, and for a moment, I lost myself to the dizzying sensation.

Until he bites, and he bites hard.

"Ah! Mingi! I-It hurts!" I screamed, but all that did was make him groan softly against my skin as he bit harder. 

I couldn't move, the pain was too much, but all of a sudden, that pain turned into bittersweet pleasure as Mingi sucked the area that he bit into. There was a dull, throbbing pain when he let go and I could already feel a bruise forming.

But he had set me up. When he roughly grabbed my chin to make me look at him, he took my lips in a reeling kiss, but I tried to pull away when he bit my bottom lip so hard, I could taste the familiar metallic taste of my own blood.

I was horrified when he pulled away and stared at me. He had the most sadistic grin I've seen, and his teeth were stained red from my blood. He was getting off on my pain.

All the breath left my lungs when Mingi stuck his tongue out, his saliva that was tinged in red dripping down slowly from his sinful mouth down on my thighs. My eyes dilated, and I clenched around nothing, extremely aroused at the sight. I’ve never felt so horny before.

"Why are your eyes open?” Mingi drawled. I paled at the realization.

He pushed me forward all of a sudden, my ass sticking up in the air. I had to position my face properly because my pose was so compromising. However, that was the last thing in my mind.

I screamed in pain, startled, when the first hit landed on my ass. The chains that bound my wrists felt so hot on my skin when I tried to rub my behind with my hands.

"Stay still,” he ordered, his voice strained. 

I screamed some more at the first few hits, but more from shock. For someone so dominant, Mingi was never the type to hit me for sexual gratification. He treated me like fine glass, so the first hits were hesitant.

"Mingi, uh, please,” I whined, not knowing what exactly I was pleading for.

He found his rhythm, his pattern, and he hit me harder, and harder. My throat was starting to wear off from all the screams, the gasps, moaning his name. I could hear him groaning from behind me and it turned me on to no end.

My ass was on fire, but Mingi didn’t care. And neither did I. 

“Please, touch me,” I begged him pathetically when he would tease my pussy lips, but he never did touch it.

“I could do this all day,” he grunted. He squeezed my ass cheeks so hard and on top of its already reddened state, it hurt a lot. I grimaced in pain, hissing at the sensation.

He was spanking me long and hard enough for me to realize how pissed he was at me. All that anger and rage he was pouring with every hit. I couldn’t help the weak yelps.

But that only served to turn him on. My pained face spurred his ego and soon enough, I yelped when I heard him groan loudly from above him, my eyes dilating when I saw the crotch of his pants darkening with his release. He just came untouched from his own sadism.

”Fuck,” he hissed in oversensitivity when I moved my head to lick his clothed dick, savouring the taste of his cum seeping from his pants. I could hear him breathe heavily even when he grabbed my hair again, albeit weakly. 

He bit his lips when I looked up at him, still licking. An idea popped in my head and I acted on it. With all my strength, I lifted my upper body and planted my face on his crotch. I felt his cock twitch beneath me when I undid the button of his pants and pulled down the zipper with my teeth.

”Fuck, you cockslut,” he groaned as I slowly took his underwear and pants with my teeth before he shimmied out of them. “You’re so hungry for my cock, you can’t even wait until it's out.”

I moaned softly when his cock stood stiff and erect in front of me. Suddenly, he positioned me back where my face was planted on the bed and my ass up in the air again, my hands still tied.

The anticipation was killing me, especially when I heard the distinct rustling of someone looking for something, and in this case, I can only assume it was from that bag that Mingi brought earlier before he decided to tie me up.

”I was going to use this after we got married,” he grumbled from behind me, voice clearly upset. “But this calls for an emergency disciplinary action.”

I couldn’t focus on what he was saying, all I knew was that he was going to punish me in a way he saw fit for his desires.

My eyes widened when I heard a click of a button and something whirs to life, and Mingi realized that I knew and he chuckled as he set the small vibrator aside for now.

I shivered when I felt his hand caress my back, down to the sore parts of my ass. It felt soothing because my ass was on fire. I heard him groan, his voice low, and  it sounded so hot.

"You have the prettiest pussy I have ever seen," he whispered. "I don't think you have any idea of the absolute mess you've made me."

The surging desire I felt for Mingi skyrocketed into levels I don't even recognize anymore. "This position is embarrassing," I whined, my admittance coming from my mouth reddening my face.

He hummed and I shrieked, squirming when Mingi lightly pressed on my pussy lips and spread it aside. "You're so full of shit," he scoffed. "You're mine, if I want to make this more embarrassing for you, all I have to do is..."

I made a garbled noise that resembled a dying racoon more than a moan when Mingi licked a stripe up my wet cunt. He stops and stares at me with a devilish smirk. I squirmed some more when I felt his finger slide inside of my snug heat.

I sighed shakily, at first, he gently finger fucked me, my moans spurring him on, but I slowly descended onto madness and that sweet spot close to orgasm when he began to run his tongue on my slit, his face pressing onto me as if I wasn't aroused already.

"Fuck, my precious kitten, you taste fantastic," he groaned, stopping in between his licks to say the dirtiest things to me known to mankind.

The sounds I made in conjunction with Mingi's slurps and low groans were music to both our ears. His fingers continued their onslaught rapidly. He was so rough with it that sometimes I'd feel his fingers on my asshole.

But that turned into something else when he would concentrate for a few seconds on that hole. "M-Mingi, what a-are doing?" I asked nervously. He completely stopped to peer over me.

"Sweetheart," he began, his face shifting into the Mingi I knew and loved. "Do you trust me? I want you to think before you answer."

"More than anything in the world," I answered without hesitation regardless because it was the truth. "I'm all yours, Song Mingi. Use me."

His eyes widen in shock, his grip unconsciously tightening on my hips,  and something in him snaps. "Safe word?"

It was my turn to get wide eyed. We have never, ever had the need to use a safe word before. "Pineapples," I murmured. It made sense. I was allergic to them.

I stayed still as Mingi got off the bed and began to completely remove all of his clothes and accessories, especially his rings. "I can't wait to bury my cock in you, princess," I could practically hear the smirk in his voice. "Gonna hold you down and fuck your brains out."

I trembled at his words. A sick part of me was excited for this. I twisted my hands in anticipation, the chains bounding them clinking together. Where did he even get this?

I moaned and thrashed when he gripped my hips and his mouth was back in my pussy. However, when his mouth began to travel higher, I didn’t realize it until he was basically lapping at my ass like a starved man. Stars littered my vision, my body leaning forward with the sensation but Mingi held onto me so I wouldn’t fall.

”Mingi!”

My moans rose higher in octave as his tongue swirled expertly at my puckering hole. His fingers began to massage that area around it and the pleasure was out of this world. “Relax, love, can you do that for me?” Mingi whispered. 

I nodded, moaning in response. I shivered in excitement, panting and quivering as Mingi stroked me, and soon enough, I felt myself surrendering and relaxing to his touch. He planted soothing kisses across my back, it worked because I felt his finger breaching my hole, sliding in and out for a couple of seconds before it was replaced with something else.

”M-Mingi, fuck, Mingi, that feels so good,” I cried out. 

The small bullet vibrator was snug in my ass. There was a small sting but overall, the sensation was indescribable and absolutely delectable. “It feels weird,” I admitted, wiggling my ass to find a bit of relief.

“You’re doing so good, love, fuck, you look so hot,” Mingi groaned lewdly from behind me. “Can I move it?”

”P-Please…”

I whined sensually when he slid the toy out of me very carefully, and I can tell from his movements that he was hesitating if he wanted to plow it roughly in me or if he wanted to take it slow.

I’ve never done anything remotely close to anal and we’ve never talked about it before so this was a pleasant surprise for me. I could tell that he was enjoying this because of the way he moaned behind me as the vibrator went in and out of me. My sexual partners before Mingi never made a sound and it always felt like I was fucking a mute, but Mingi was never ashamed of it and it turned me on so much.

”Y/N,” Mingi called out. I raised a brow. He was also never one to say my name during sex, opting for pet names. I hummed in question. “I’m going to ask you again, do you trust me?”

”Yes, I do, Mingi.”

”Why?”

I wiggled my hands behind my back and he held them tenderly. “Because I love you. It’s really that simple.”

I felt him squeeze my hand tightly before kissing it, then climbing on the bed to position himself behind me. It was essentially a glorified doggy position, but it was arousing, nonetheless.

In one thrust, his cock was inside me. My eyes rolled back in my head as I felt so full, but I screamed when Mingi turned the vibrator on. I reddened` being double penetrated by Mingi’s cock and the vibrator brought a heat inside me that threatened to burn me whole.

“You’ve always been so tight, like you were made for me,” Mingi grunted. “But fuck, my love, you feel so fucking incredible.”

”I-I’m so full, Min,” I stuttered, squeezing my pussy and moaning when I could barely do it because of the fullness.

The pain mixed with the feeling of fullness made me absolutely feral. One rough hair pull started it and Mingi was railing into me hard. I couldn’t even moan out properly - he was using me as if I was a sex toy only made for his pleasure. He was so rough with me like never before.

”If you’re not going to listen to me, I hope my dick sends my message well,” he laughed sadistically at my moans when he pushed the vibrator in my other hole deeper. “Now, do you understand?”

”Y-Yes, fuck! Y-Yes, Mingi, oh God,” I slurred out, feeling my toes curl into themselves at the wild pleasure Mingi was giving me.

The only thing I could do was moan for more. He would alternate between thrusting his cock and the vibrator, each thrust would take my breath away, and I was sure that he had just permanently ruined me for everyone else. Something about being owned like this was exhilarating.

I squeaked when I felt Mingi leaning down, his chest pressing on my back, driving his cock even deeper in my pussy while his one hand held the vibrator in place. “Oh, baby,” he moaned against my ear. “You feel good?”

The only thing I could do was nod. His other hand suddenly grabbed my head and his mouth collided with mine. It was rough, demanding, and more of an act of dominance rather than an actual kiss. 

I moaned against his mouth but it went unheard because of his relentless pounding. And then my orgasm came unwarned. I could have sworn I blacked out for a moment and I could tell Mingi was surprised too because I’ve never come untouched before since I got my high off of my clit more than penetration.

”Fuck, you’re going to make me want to come as well,” he growled, his thrusts growing even rougher. I opened my mouth in a silent scream as I took his stuttering thrusts with my never ending orgasm. “Fuck it, open your mouth wider, I want my cum in there…”

I yelped when Mingi pulled his cock out, but my other hole was still plugged and impossibly, I felt another tickle in my tummy that signaled another orgasm that almost made me want to explode. It was beginning to slightly hurt. 

“Mingi, I-I’m gonna, ah, t-take it out,” I pleaded, drool coming out of my mouth in desperation.

He positioned is cock in front of my mouth, his face twisted in intense pleasure, as he stroked it. “Keep your mouth open, baby, please,” his own moans were high-pitched. “Let it go, kitten, come for me again.”

I bit my lips so hard that Mingi, in the heat of the moment, grabbed my face harshly and pressed my cheeks to keep my mouth open so he could come inside my mouth. His thick release and borderline animalistic growls triggered another orgasm in me, albeit weaker than the first, but it still sent me to a higher heaven.

I began to slightly choke on his cum and I opened my mouth to try and spit some out, but Mingi suddenly lifted me and put me on top of him as he laid down. He grabbed the back of my head to share an intimate kiss with him.

I was pretty sure I was wet again. The kiss was nasty, it was sticky from all the cum that was dribbling out from both our mouths at this point. I moaned when Mingi broke the kiss for a second to lick some of the cum that trailed down my neck and then kissed me back again so he could push it in my mouth with his tongue.

“I hope I didn’t hurt you,” he mumbled, hands removing the chains from my wrist before he slowly pulled out the vibrator from my ass. 

My arms laid limp on his chest, they were raw and red from all the friction, but I didn't care. I whined when he laid me back on the bed and then left. My heart did swell when he came back with a glass of water and a basin so we could both get cleaned up and rinse our mouths.

"You're my pride and joy, have I ever told you that?" Mingi hummed as he blew some smoke away from my direction. Again with the cigarettes.

I surprised him by snatching the cigarette and inhaling, myself. I grabbed his face and he automatically opened his mouth as I blew the smoke in it. I blushed at his smirk, it was so intimate. "I thought you hated the smoke."

"I never said I didn't know how to take it, though."

He chuckled, clearly amused. "Oh, I know you could. In fact, you take it so well."

I swatted his mouth jokingly at his perverted jabs. "You were the one who wanted to do that anal stuff after...."

I trailed off, realizing something. He raised his brows in anticipation. "Married."

"Yeah, but I couldn't wait," he shrugged.

My head grew weary in thought, my skin got cold from the stark realization of what Mingi meant after all the high from the pleasure had gone down. "What do you mean?" I blurted out. "You want to marry me?"

His brows furrowed and his mouth dropped down to a frown in confusion. "Yes, my sweet girl. I thought I made that clear when I gave you that ring?"

My brain short-circuited, but in a positive way. Happiness made its way in my heart, and it was so intense, like a beam of light shining directly onto my soul. I turned to look at Mingi, who was genuinely confused. I couldn't help but laugh out loud, and he looked even more confused.

"You dummy," I kissed his cheeks. "I didn't know that was a proposal."

"Darling, I killed a man for that specific ring," he pinched my cheeks hard mischievously, making me whine. "What more could you possibly want?"

I reeled in the anger that almost soured my mood, but not because of what he said, but because of the thought of my stolen ring. No wonder he was upset when he noticed I wasn't wearing it. I seethed, I was going to make that skank pay for taking what's mine.

"Are you going to say 'no'?" Mingi looked away, his eyes refusing to meet mine. "I'm just saying, you really can't anymore. I refuse."

A sudden flashback reigned itself in my mind. It happened directly after I was accepted as Mingi's woman, right when I was still learning how to operate this world.

"They're all staring at me," I mumbled, squirming on my seat and ever so slightly shifting. "Why are they all staring at me?"

"Let them," San shrugged, lifting his glass and sipping on his dry martini. "Does it bother you?"

We were at the local bar. Mingi had left with Jongho to 'finish some business,' so they say, and San had asked to hang out and talk. 

"I know what they're thinking," San smirked, lifting his bruised and bloody hands. "They're probably thinking that I got knocked out of my ass and now I'm hanging out with my boss' girl."

"Well, they should've seen the guy you knocked out," I scoffed. "That's not what it is, though."

"Right. So the point is, you shouldn't give two shits about what other people think, Y/N. They're going to think what they think, and you can't control it."

I looked down, not bothering to take a sip from my own liquor. "Does it get better?" I asked.

"That depends on how you handle yourself," he replied. "It takes a lot of guts and strength to handle one Song Mingi, let alone his empire."

He turned to pat my shoulder. "You're a good person, Y/N. We all can see it," he sighed. "You're the flower in this deserted, barren land."

"Sometimes I think this world isn't for me," I admitted. "I'm not a hypocrite, I do love power."

"Then hold on to it," San smirked in approval. He signaled the bartender to refill his glass. "You know, Mingi isn't like you."

"How so?"

"Because he has nothing to live for, except the life he built for himself, but you," San emphasized by pointing at me. "You have a center. You will be his center. You have the ability to give him what he thought he couldn't have before."

"And you," he continued. "Will do everything in your power to make sure that you have yourself centered so you both don't lose yourselves in the process."

"I-I don't understand," I looked at him in apprehension. "I don't want to pretend that I understand."

"In due time, dear Queen, in due time,” he said cryptically. "He's going to take all of you, when he does, you will have nothing left, and when you choose to leave, the best of him will leave with you."

Shivers travelled up my spine at San's warning. He's giving me an out, if I so damn well please decide if I do want out. "Mingi does love you," he whispered, consoling me. "But I want you to understand that his way of showing his love won't be what you want."

"I think I can manage with that," I nodded my head.

"You're too good for this place," San completely downed the rest of his drink. "You're too good for this world."

I cradled his face in between my hands. My heart felt a little pinch when his eyes shined with vulnerability even though I could see he was trying to hide it. 

This was the man who would hand me the world if I asked him right now, all I have to do after is thank him. He’ll burn everything just to see a glimpse of my smile.

"Marry me, Mingi. I don't want to be with anyone else," I smiled, a lone tear escaping my eye.

He leaned in towards me, his lips meeting mine in the sweetest kiss we've ever shared. "I was already your fiancé for months, you just never knew it."

I was a woman on a mission as I stomped my way onto the college halls, slamming door per door, seething in rage while I went on finding my goal.

"Are you looking for something?" Keeho nervously asked when he saw me doing what I was doing. "Listen, about the other day, had I known it was Song Mingi, I would have never offered."

"What are you talking about?" I frowned. "Is he that bad?"

"On the contrary, he's looked up to by everyone, both younger and older, in this, uh, industry," he sheepishly stated as he followed me around. "News was that a girl has significantly calmed him down. My dad sent his regards..."

I laughed, stopping in my tracks to rest a bit. "I would have never let him do anything to you," I sat on the grassy plains of the campus. "I apologize on his behalf."

"N-No!" Keeho shook his hands in fervor. "I completely understand---"

"Calm down," I rolled my eyes playfully. "I would hate it if you treated me differently because of what you know now."

He released a breath he was holding and laughed. "You have leadership qualities," he nudged me lightheartedly. "Anyway, can I help you with what you're looking for?"

I told him everything - the ring that Mingi gave me, how it was taken from me, and how my ring was being flaunted by someone who wasn't meant to have it. Keeho frowned in thought.

"I know Hana, she's been trying to get with another friend of mine," he shivered. "Jongseob told me in passing about that ring, and yeah, she's been flaunting it."

"That little bitch," I muttered under my breath. "That was my proposal ring. I really, really need that back."

He paled. This was big news in this “industry.” Marriage wasn’t taken lightly, and a head marrying meant that all fights would temporarily cease in celebration of that head’s union, enemy or not. "W-What? Does Mingi know?"

I shook my head. "Okay, I'll call Jongseob to see if he can lure her out--"

"No need," I raised a hand to stop him. In the distance, I saw the thief who stole what’s mine quickly approaching us with her cronies who were stupid enough to be associated with the campus skank. 

I smirked when they got closer, and I was surprised when Keeho's attitude changed instantly in a protective stance. It reminded me of Yunho and Wooyoung with how aggressive they can get when crossed. I smiled at him in appreciation. I get it, in this world, we protect our own.

"Well, look who it is," Hana giggled with her fake friends. I squinted my eyes at the ring shining snugly on her ring finger. A dark thought crossed my mind as I imagined Mingi proposing to her instead of me.

"Cut the shit, you pathetic worm," I stood back up, dusting my pants for dramatic effect. "I believe that you have something that belongs to me."

She laughed, her shrill giggles making my head hurt. "This one? I don't think so," she smirked, kissing the ring, before pointing at Keeho. "You should ask for one from your new boy toy. He drives a Ferrari, I'm pretty sure he can get you another one."

"Watch your fucking mouth," Keeho hissed in animosity. Hana scoffed, offended. 

Our little argument had caught the attention of the other students and they stopped what they were doing to stare. I cursed under my breath, it was the worst time because it was the end of the period and everyone was trying to relax before going home.

I stood up and Hana got closer to me. “I mean I get it,” she said mockingly. She looked at me up and down with a nasty smirk. “Nice ass, Y/N. How much did it cost?”

I saw red then and there. My body wasn’t something I wasn’t proud of and Mingi had made sure I knew how good I looked for a year straight. I wasn’t about to let his efforts go down the drain completely. 

Without thought, I charged at her and grabbed her head, pulling it behind. She immediately started screaming in pain. “I’ve swallowed your bullshit for far too long now, you ugly fuck,” I sneered, pulling her head harder and not letting go even when her long claws were scratching me. 

“Let me go, you bitch!” Hana screamed, her eyes going wide in panic. I can hear Keeho behind me laughing.

”And for the record,” I slapped my butt for effect. “God gave me this ass for free,” I mockingly looked at hers. “Looks like He gave me your share.”

There were bouts of laughter around us and Hana had the audacity to glare at me. I couldn’t help but laugh, Mingi was definitely rubbing off on me. As I was about to grab her hand and take my ring back, I groaned when I felt my own hair being pulled and then I was shoved to the ground.

When I looked up, it was her cronies that had pushed me away. Keeho tried to help me up, but I shoved him away a little harsher than I intended. I muttered a little apology. “Look,” I started, still pissed. “I just want the ring back, Hana. You can do whatever you want.”

She raised a brow. “What’s so important about this anyway?” Hana sneered, her eyes shining with unspoken greed and the will to make me even madder. “A ring as pretty as this doesn’t belong to you.”

Keeho and I looked at each other with a ‘is-this-bitch-serious’ expression’. I sighed, reeling in the anger that threatened to actually end her. I was done not involving Mingi. Consequences be damned.

”It has value to me, though you wouldn’t understand,” I spat, to which she scoffed. “I’ll give two options - I'm going to tell the Dean everything you've done and have both you and your cronies expelled.”

I was dead serious. The Dean was her father and he had no idea about his daughter’s debauchery. “And two - I'm going to call my husband, because he gave it to me. He’s not a nice man, and I can assure you, he will rip you piece by piece with his bare fucking hands”

I don’t know what possessed me to refer to Mingi as my husband, but man, that actually felt good and the term felt nice rolling off of my tongue. It was so ridiculous, and clearly, I'm not the only one who thought so.

"Husband?" Hana laughed. "Who in their right mind would marry you? And have you this so-called husband of yours all of your sugar daddies?"

My temper got the best of me and I charged impulsively. “You should get tested for gonorrhea, you whiny little bitch,” I gritted my teeth.

I gasped when I felt a sharp slap hit my face. The force of it was hard and it made my head turn. I cursed when I felt my lip split open. It was commendable, if it wasn't so disrespectful. When I turned to look back at Hana, even she was surprised at her own strength.

"Oh, fuck, he's going to kill me," Keeho panicked beside me as he tried to dab the blood of with a cloth that I had no idea where it was from. "A-Are you okay?"

"Fine, fine," I snorted, spitting on the ground before I glared at Hana. "You're going to pay for this."

It was an all out brawl, or rather, cat fight between me and Hana, but more so me taking out all my anger at her. It had caught the attention of everyone by now and they had gathered all around us in a circle as if we were in a fighting ring.

I could hear people around us trying to stop us and break us apart - thank God this wasn't high school anymore - and I got distracted. I fell to the ground on my butt with a small yelp. I heaved small, but hard breaths as I looked up and glared at Hana, who was hovering over me, with all her might.

I smirked and I could tell it pissed her off. She was never going to see the satisfaction of seeing me defeated, but I, on the other hand, smirked victoriously at her disheveled state. 

"I hate you, you know?" Hana seethed, her true colours showing. "That top spot in the scholarship program should have been mine. You think you're hot shit just because you have these men hovering over you like flies?"

I was surprised. So that's what it was. I was part of a scholarship program that was sought out in the university and Hana had landed on the second spot directly below mine. It wasn't even bad, she was just greedy.

I closed my eyes as Hana braced her fists up in the air to presumably give me a nasty punch, and I waited and waited, but the hard blow I was expecting never came.

"W-Who are you?!" I heard Hana exclaim.

I opened my eyes in distraught and I felt myself being helped up from the ground by hands that held my arm. "Y-Yeo?" I whispered when I turned around to see who helped me. "What...?"

I was so confused, and then I remembered that I was supposed to be at the front gates a while back. Whoever was picking me up must've panicked when they didn't see me.

I looked around to see what was happening and I couldn't help but cover my mouth in surprise. I prided myself in being strong, but I felt myself tearing up when I saw the man I fought so hard for to get the symbol of his love back. 

Mingi had let go of Hana's fist to turn to me in worry. I quickly rushed and he enveloped me in a strong hug. "It's okay, love, I'm here," he whispered before tenderly kissing me on the forehead.

When I looked around, I could tell that everyone was stunned by Mingi's appearance. It wasn't his fault, he naturally caught everyone's attention wherever we went. He had this imposing shadow around him that intimidated everyone, but that was what made me love him even more.

"W-What are you doing here?" I blurted out, arms wrapped around him.

He smirked, pulling me closer. "I told you I'd pick you up one of these days," he coolly looked around everyone who stared. "Wasn't expecting this though."

He turned his attention to Hana, who I've never seen mesmerized in my entire time unfortunately knowing her. I smirked as we stared at each other. Mingi was exactly her type, I could tell how bitter it was making her.

"Excuse me," she cleared her throat. "You're with her?"

Mingi raised a brow, amused, with one eye ticking, annoyed. "I don't see why that's a problem," he replied, uninterested.

I could see the gears in her brain going on overdrive. "You're making a mistake," she bargains, a small smirk on her face. "Y/N has multiple men around her, you shouldn't waste your time on her."

"And who should I waste it on?" Mingi challenged, his voice going an octave deeper. "You?"

Hana reddened in embarrassment. When I looked around, I noticed that all the students that had gathered around us had disappeared. It was just Hana and her followers. Before I could question it, Yeosang quickly appeared with Jongho and Wooyoung.

"We cleared them out," Yeosang said. "Paid them a little extra to keep their mouths shut too."

"That's them!" Hana exclaimed, pointing at a confused Wooyoung. "They're the men she's around sometimes!"

Realization dawns on everyone, but Mingi wasn't having it. “What the fuck is this bitch talking about?” Mingi sighed in irritation. He turned to me. "Little peach?"

"She thinks they're my sugar daddies," I rolled my eyes, giggling in all the stupidity.

Mingi hummed, and turned to Hana. "You never seen chaperones before?"

Hana's eyes widened in embarrassment, but we weren't done. "Wait a minute," Wooyoung frowned, taking a closer look at her. "I know you, you asked for my number at the other department."

"I-I didn't know," she whispered in shame. The look in her eyes was laughable, she screwed up and she knows it.

"Ah," Jongho laughed. “She never liked you, Woo. Just wanted to ‘steal’ what was Y/N’s,” he patted Wooyoung's shoulder before turning to me. "I'm sorry this was happening under our noses, Y/N. I swear we didn't know."

I shook my head at them, covertly telling them that it was okay. I started pulling on Mingi's sleeves and signaling that I wanted to leave. I just wanted to go home and all this mess wasn't worth it, but Mingi just wanted the last laugh.

He let go of me and proceeded to go to Hana. She screamed in pain when he began to twist her arm and then proceeded to take the ring off of her finger before he slammed her on the floor.

"You really shouldn't steal," he mocked her before turning to the others. "You three, trash her car and make sure she's expelled by tomorrow."

 Wooyoung held my arms and I started to walk away while Mingi stayed behind to tell Hana more choice words. I couldn’t hear what he was saying, but Hana started to sob incessantly on the ground. I couldn’t even say I feel bad for her, rather, I felt satisfaction.

I didn't pay her any mind and just walked away with Wooyoung until we had reached the car. Mingi immediately followed after and we started driving away. It was such childish games, but I didn't realize how much of a toll all of this had taken on me.

Mingi didn't say anything as he started driving, and he drove for a while. I smiled in appreciation as I stared out the window and onto the passing city. I knew what he was doing, he knew that I loved to drive to clear my head and whatever was worrying me.

A trickle of shame dropped onto all my resolve. I should have gone to him before it got too far, if I did, none of this fiasco would have happened.

"How much do you know?" I asked all of a sudden, breaking the comfortable silence around us. "Please tell me the truth."

Mingi doesn't respond for a while, just staring at me once in a while with that look of his that I couldn't read, and I patiently waited until he wanted to talk. He might be mad at me.

"Everything," he said after a while. "The rumours, the bullying, the ring, I knew everything."

I wanted to be surprised, but I couldn't. Everybody did warn me about that one thing, but I chose not to listen - Mingi knows everything.

"Why didn't you say anything?" I frowned, fiddling with my seatbelt in nervousness. "Are you mad?"

He sighed, reaching out to hold my hand tightly while his other hand still held the steering wheel. "Believe or not," he started, his deep voice surrounding me in a comfortable cocoon. "I do want you to be your own person. This is your life and I'm just a part of it."

All the breath from lungs left me, his words suddenly becoming the oxygen I needed to live. I wanted to choke from all the emotions that were clawing up my throat, but let him continue.

"I wanted to see how you handled it," he explained gently with one squeeze of my hand. "The only time I would have gotten involved is if you had told me. I wouldn't have made a move unless you did, my queen."

"So when you asked about the ring...?" I trailed off, waiting for what he was about to say.

"I knew even before you got home that day," he admitted. "Don't blame the boys, they were just looking out for your best interest."

I sighed in relief, laughing at how ridiculous all this had been. All that time they were warning, it wasn't so I wouldn't keep a secret, they were warning me that Mingi had already known anyway and there was no point.

"Are you saying that you would have been okay if I solved everything myself and never told you?" I asked nervously.

"Are you asking me to be okay with it?"

"I want to know what my future husband thinks," I admitted shyly, looking out the window so I wouldn't see his expression. 

"Then the answer is yes," Mingi said. "Your happiness has been the most important thing to me ever since I met you, my dearest love."

I could have cried tears of joy. Why did I ever doubt all his love and pure intentions with me? He's not perfect and neither was I. We both had bouts of toxicity between us, but we had always made it work, didn't we?

"I'm sorry," he kissed my hand. "I'm very sorry."

I was confused. "For what?"

"That you thought you couldn't come to me," he whispered. It rang loud in my ear regardless. "That you thought you'd be in trouble or that I'd get mad at you for it."

He turned to me, his eyes shining with sincerity, his heart on his sleeve as he was about to pour his emotions to me. "I'm the one safe person you can always turn to, Y/N, the love of my life," he kissed my hand again but this time, his lips lingered a bit longer. "It breaks my heart that I didn't do well enough for you to know that."

"I know it now," a tear fell from my eyes. And then multiple of them followed. "And now is all that matters."

"Don't cry now, precious," he tried to lighten the mood, wiping my tears away with his free hand. "You're going to ruin that pretty face."

"You can't just say things like that," I sniffled, smiling through my tears anyway. "I-I have nothing to offer you, baby, I'm just an orphan you picked from the streets, I have no proper guidance on how to do this."

I have no idea where all my insecurity was coming from, but it was there. "No," Mingi whispered. "You can give me everything."

He swiveled the car in a random park we passed on and he parked at a spot where we could see the sunset clearly. He took his seatbelt off and started rummaging through his pockets.

"Let's do this again, okay?" Mingi smiled as he lifted the ring he gave me before, but this time, he took out another ring I'd never seen before. 

My tears started falling downwards at a faster rate as Mingi took my hand in his. "Look, I'm not going to pretend I'm good with this," he started, making me snort. "I love you and you're the only thing I want, nothing more. Would you spare me the torment of being without you and marry me?"

I looked in awe when he connected the alexandrite ring with the other ring so there were two rings in one before he put it on my finger. "I'll think about it," I said.

His eyes widened in surprise, but before he could protest, I laughed out loud, definitely not lady like, and pulled his face to mine so I could kiss him deeply.

"If you do that again, I'm going to tie you up even tighter next time," he bit my bottom lip gently. 

"Wow, I'm so scared," I giggled after we both pulled away. "So, what now?"

"I was thinking of where to send you to another university earlier," he shrugged. "To avoid all the bullshit earlier. That is, if you want to."

"Yeah, what happened to keeping a low profile?" I teased him. I bit my lip before I continued. "I was thinking of doing the rest of my semester online."

Mingi grinned, his happiness evident. He's been begging me to do online schooling from the start because by being home, he doesn't have to worry about me as much since even if he's not home, there will be others to watch me. But other than that...

I giggled, ticklish as Mingi buried his head on my neck as he planted little kisses on them. "Picture this," he grinned. "I'd be inside you while you're in one of your classes..." 

I pushed him away jokingly. "You wish!"

EPILOGUE:

Black and red spots started to dance in my vision. I was rendered temporarily blind in my rage. The person in front of me didn't even want to meet my eye.

"What did you say?" I whispered menacingly, not bothering to raise my voice. "Does Mingi know?"

Beads of sweat started to drip from his forehead all the way down his chin from how hard I was glaring at him. "No," he admitted. "Not yet."

I scoffed in disbelief, but he wasn't done yet. "Please, my queen--"

"Don't call me that," I snapped. "Damn it, Myungsoo. I was there when Mingi took you in, this is the least you can do. So far the last time, what did you do?"

I raised an unamused brow when he joined his hands together in a pleading manner. "I-I didn't mean to," he cried. I rolled my eyes. "T-They offered me a lot---"

"How much?"

He hesitated. "Twice the amount."

I sneered, nodding in mock understanding as I pressed my tongue on the inside of my cheek. I shook my head at him. "You pathetic fool," I whispered, looking him directly in the eye. "You selfish piece of shit."

He began sobbing right there and then. It pissed me off so much and I wasn't about to let his crocodile tears affect me. "You sold us out, Myungsoo. Where do you get the nerve?" For what? Money you and I are sure Mingi could easily double? You know what, come here..."

Without much thought, I grabbed the collar of shirt and pulled him to me harshly, and when that didn't satiate my anger, I decided to grab his hair and started to drag him across the halls of the house.

He started kicking and screaming as he was forced to follow me, but not daring to grab onto my hands because it was a lose-lose situation for him anyway - if he did that, he'd lose his hand to Mingi anyway.

The commotion had caught onto the others and everyone only had two expressions - either their jaws were dropped or their eyes were widened, there was no in between.

"What in the hell is going on?" Seonghwa's form had stopped in front of me. He looked so confused. "Myungsoo?"

"Hwa, with all due respect," I gritted my teeth. "Get out of my way. Have you talked to Yunho and Jongho yet?"

"No, wh---"

"Hey, you motherfucker, I was looking for you!"

We both turned to the source of the voice and if you really speak of the Devil, and he shall really appear. Yunho's malicious sneer was directed to a shaking Myungsoo. Jongho had the liberty to kick the asshole on the rib.

“I see he told you,” Jongho smirked. “You should lay down, though. This isn’t good for you,” he turned away. "Come, I'll tell you what this cunt did," he motioned for Seonghwa.

Someone held my shoulders in worry and I looked up to see who it was and smirked. "Want to have a piece of this dogshit, Joong?" I pulled on Myungsoo's head and he whined in pain.

"Nah, I wouldn't want to get my hands dirty. And you shouldn't stress yourself out either, your body needs a lot of energy," he smirked. He motioned to another person behind me and waved for them to come closer. "Hey, Yeosang, come get a load of this!"

The handsome man frowned, but walked over in curiosity anyway. "Y/N, what are you doing up? You shouldn't be here, let alone drag this piece of shit right here."

I rolled my eyes. "Guys, stop treating me like I'm going to break."

"No, but Mingi will have all of our heads if you get stressed high-time," Yunho deadpanned as he motioned for Yeosang this time.

He got debriefed real quick and he smirked, crossing his arms. "I knew it," he scoffed, leaning down to glare at our victim. He raised his hand. "Pay up, fuckers."

I raised my brow in fascination as everybody grumbled and handed a triumphant Yeosang some cash. I looked at him in question and he started laughing. "I had a slimy feeling with this one," he shrugged, his eyes glinting  with malice. "Made a bet that he'll fold within six months."

I didn't wait for that fiasco to finish and had resumed my dragging business before they started beating each other up.

"P-Please, you're hurting me---"

"Shut it."

Finally, we reached the door I knew Mingi would be in. I cursed under my breath when I listened in and I heard multiple voices inside, which would mean that he was in a meeting. But this couldn't wait.

I busted through the door with determination and fire in my eyes, with a sobbing Myungsoo behind me as my hand had tightened its grip on his hair. Honestly, a huge part of me wished that he'd resist so I'd have a reason to rip all of his hair out.

"Argh, let go!" Myungsoo groaned. I scoffed and complied and he had the audacity to look offended when he got slammed on the floor.

"Tell him, you little fuck," I seethed in pure anger, pointing at nowhere in particular. "Tell him what you did!"

Inside the room were multiple people in dashing outfits to impress and they were all huddled in the middle as they all sat on the round table where Mingi usually held important meetings.

Each of Mingi's guests looked at us in a mix of amusement, horror, and curiosity. There was no in between. Most of all, they took a long, hard look at me and gasped at what they saw. They all looked at me before they all turned to look at the very end of the table.

I saw San approaching me with a very concerned look. "Is everything okay, Y/N? You look pale," he whispered so only the two of us could hear.

He, then, turned to Myungsoo and smirked. "I don't know what he did, but damn, girl. You got guts to bring him in here like this."

I harrumphed, unamused. I grabbed Myungsoo's hair so his head would snap upright. I wasn't oblivious to the murmurs that started to sound all over the room, but I wasn't interested in that.

My eyes roamed to take in the scene I had barged onto. San had gone back to his seat, which was directly in front of Wooyoung, who looked dead serious at the far end of the table. He looked just as intimidating as Mingi and San. I stared at the notes that were sprawled in front of him from where he stood. He must’ve been in the middle of something when I barged in.

But I had another goal in mind. I set my eyes at the end of the table where most of the time, all the heads of anything that remotely resembled a group would sit down. Mingi had no particular expression on his face. He stared blankly at me with his arms crossed. If I didn’t know him, I would have folded. Mingi’s specialty and a big part of why he was feared was his utmost control of his expressions. I don’t know what he’s thinking.

"Gentlemen," Mingi stood up slowly. I couldn't help but be in awe of his movements, he looked very regal, like a prince. "We shall continue this meeting soon," he gestured to Wooyoung. "If you would please, Jung."

"Terribly sorry about this," Wooyoung put on his best fake smile, or rather, sneer as he began to gesture to the guests to leave the room.

"You might be head, but this is a disrespectful move," one of the people seated exclaimed. "You should put a tight leash on your woman."

Mingi's eyes narrowed ever so slightly. It would have gone unnoticed if you didn't know his mannerisms. "Patience is an attribute I lack," he clicked his tongue, chuckling darkly. "I suggest you all leave now. San, stay."

"You heard him," Wooyoung snarled, not bothering to keep up the diplomatic act. "Move."

One by one, everyone piled in to get out of the room, but not before giving me one last dirty look, which I didn't hesitate to return back. I got looks of surprise and I smirked, Mingi was definitely rubbing off on me. I was told our glares looked similar. That or my hormones.

"Wait," Mingi said, making everyone halt in their steps. He signaled for San, who lifted a cigarette pack so Mingi could get one and light it up. "That's Mrs. Song for all of you," he blew the smoke rather harshly. "You do realize that you just disrespected my wife in front of me?"

The man who had indirectly insulted me visibly paled and I scoffed loudly. What a dumbass. "Wooyoung," he called out. "Give him hell. The rest, out."

Wooyoung patted me on the shoulder once, winking not-so-subtly behind the evil glint in his eyes. "I’ll take care of this pig for you. Nobody insults you in front of me. Go rest, my queen, you shouldn't be up," he reminded me before he shut the door behind him. I chuckled, he looked so excited. I suppose life has been dull for him lately.

"Now, what do you have to tell me?" Mingi stalked towards my direction and raised a brow at Myungsoo's state. "What did you do?"

When he wasn't responding, I let go of his hair to push him around. "Say something, you fucking coward," I spat. 

"Love, calm down. I don't want you stressed. Hey, look at me," Mingi stopped me, pulling on my arm to engulf me in a hug. I felt myself calm down immediately. "That bad?"

He turned his head to look at San, who raised his hands up. "I don't know either," he defended himself. “But whatever it is, may I suggest the maximum penalty?”

Mingi extinguished the cigarette on the tray and threw it away before he got close to me. He gave San an expectant look. God, even that looked intimidating. “Keep going.”

“Well,” San walked in circles, a terrified Myungsoo in the middle. “Look at your wife, and then look at this swamp donkey,” he sneered before hitting the back of his head. “It’s gotta be bad, Min.”

Mingi still held no expression, but he nodded, indicating that he was listening. He took off his coat and shirt right in front me - to this day, the sight of his bare chest still makes me blush - and then wore a spare shirt he kept at bay before he completely approached me.

I couldn't help but smile. I’ve been hating the smell of cigarettes lately and I appreciate the steps he’s doing to help out even though he can’t completely stop using it. There was still a faint smokey smell, but it was bearable.

Mingi gave me a soft kiss before he held my shoulders and squeezed a little. "Me and San will take it from here, okay?" I frowned when Mingi picked up Myungsoo with one hand. "Why don't you wait in our room, hmm?"

That was a subtle way of saying that he wanted me out of here so he can do whatever it is that he wanted violently without me watching. I nodded and began to walk out, but not before giving the most venomous glare and bitter warning.

"I want him out of here," I growled, my form visibly shaking from anger. "When you're done, come find me."

And with that I turned around, exited, shut the door behind me with a bang, and leaned on it for a minute to catch my breath. 

I heard a slap from the inside and a groan of pain. "What the fuck did you do?" Mingi's raging growl sounded, muffled by the door. "By God, even I've never seen her this mad, what the fuck did you do? San."

More grunts and the familiar sound of fists hitting bare flesh resounded from where I was, with San's taunting voice and laughter filled the air as he went at it with the violence I could only hear, but couldn't see.

"Tell me," I heard Mingi's smooth voice, the calmness of it always brought me shivers. "What did you do for the one person who barely gets involved in our line of work to be that angry and scared?"

My heart swelled inside my chest. He had barely looked at me, yet he knew that aside from the rage, I was acting out of fear. I was terrified that the enemy would launch a surprise attack on us, or worse, the authorities on our tails. 

All because that twat had sold us out. It made my blood boil. There was no response to be heard, and Mingi hated that.

I jumped from where I was when I heard the distinct sound of glass getting smashed, and then Mingi's angry voice. "What the fuck did you to me to make my wife that scared?"

It was my queue to leave. I ran to our room, not bothering to give everyone an explanation because sooner or later, the news of Myungsoo's betrayal will reach everyone's ears anyway; of how he told the enemy crucial information for a sum of money.

Pathetic.

It wasn't enough to dent Ateez's reputation, but it spooked me enough to get angry. It was vital information of Mingi's personal life, something he barely shared even with me, yet that cocksucker had divulged it so easily. So yeah, I was pissed.

One good thing that came out of it was Mingi's referral to me as his wife. Not that we hid it, he was just very private, is all. We got married a couple of months back in a private ceremony with just his closest friends - Ateez - and his family. I had the pleasure of meeting his parents and his older brother as well.

It just made me extremely giddy and happy whenever I heard him say it.

Not even thirty minutes after I left, the door opened and in came Mingi. I frowned when he got closer, his knuckles were bleeding profusely. I winced, but I understood where his anger was coming from. Hell, I wasn't any better dragging the man with his hair.

"Did you kill him?" I callously asked as I rolled around from the bed. 

Mingi got a cloth and pressed it on his hand. He glanced at me with raised brows. "Should I have?"

"No," I shook my head, getting up and pressing the cloth to his injured skin, myself. "Let the enemies have him. Don't waste your energy."

“Would that make you happy?”

I smiled. Even in his haze of anger, he still thought of me. We’ve definitely come a long way. “Yes.”

“Then it’s settled,” he smirked. Mingi stared at me through lidded eyes before he tilted my chin up with his free hand and gave me a short, but sweet kiss. He had a smirk on his face as he looked at me tenderly, like his whole world revolved around me.

"How are you feeling?" Mingi murmured, worry evident on his face. 

I shrugged. "Fine," I said truthfully to appease him. "I'm not really feeling sick anymore, which is good."

"Would you like to eat something? A craving, perhaps?"

"You."

We both laughed out loud with Mingi caught off guard with my blatantly terrible flirting skills. "But seriously, I'm good. What about you? What are you thinking?"

"Is it wrong for me to say that I'm proud of you?" Mingi murmured, his fingers caressing my face gently. "As much as it saddens me that you're so deep in this, I'm happy nonetheless."

I kissed his bloody knuckles and a shudder ran through his body at my gesture. "Did I go out of line earlier?" I sighed. "I didn't mean to, I got carried away."

"No. You're my wife, you can do whatever you want," he smiled, the crescents of his eyes looking so cute that I couldn't help but coo. "But seriously, that was so hot. The way you just barged in. You're acting like a true mafia queen."

I giggled, lifting my hand to stare at my wedding ring and then at Mingi's matching ring. "I am, aren't I?"

For a moment none of us said anything, just basking on the moment; the now. It felt good how tough he was on the outside, but when we were alone, he was just Mingi. Not the notorious Song Mingi who built his empire from scratch, he was just my Mingi. He was divine, I really wasn’t sure how to say it other than it was very easy to fall for him.

“They’re right, you know,” he murmured. “You should get some rest.”

I playfully swatted his chest. “I know. I just couldn’t help it earlier, but I don’t regret it,” I smiled, my hand traveling to my bulging belly. “But we’re fine, nothing to worry about. All of you are so overprotective though, it’s getting on my nerves.”

He laughed, his deep voice booming all over the room. “You can’t really blame all of us, my princess,” he smiled, his hand also rubbing affectionately on my swollen belly. “Another thing to be proud of, love. You’re going to be a good mother.”

Worry etched itself on my face and Mingi could feel my distress. “I’m scared,”  I admitted. “Are you?”

“Of course I am,” he chuckled, giving me a quick peck on the cheek. “This is the one thing we don’t really get trained on, angel. But we’re in this together, yeah? The boys already love our baby.”

I can already imagine the rest of them spoiling the shit out of our unborn child. Hongjoong would pretend he’s strict, but on the inside, he’ll love the kid the most. Seonghwa would offer to babysit a lot, I’d definitely need him the most out of everybody because of his mother hen qualities.

 Yeosang would be clueless, but he’d have Yunho with him who is equally clueless. San would be that one uncle that teaches the kid naughty stuff, while Wooyoung would be the partner-in-crime with all of the pranks. Jongho would be the cool uncle who would give anything and everything to the child once he gets the puppy eyes.

Mingi would be the man who comes alive  when he’s with our child, and he’ll do it because he’ll have so much love to give. He might be the villain in everyone’s story, but he’ll be the hero that every child would deserve to have.

“I just hope I’m doing right by you,” I chuckled. “I really don’t know if I’m doing the right thing over here, baby. ”

He grinned before he kneeled down to my stomach level. I couldn't help the infectious grin that also painted my face as he caressed my tummy and gave it a small kiss. "You already are."

He gazed up at me. The look in his eyes, it will forever be etched in my mind for as long as I live. Never will I forget that night we met, it was the longest night of my life. Never would I forget the moments where I no longer belonged to myself, it was a bitter pill to swallow, but I'll also never forget the day I accepted it.

But most of all, I won't ever forget the best thing I'd ever gotten out of all of this - our son.

Dividers from: @cafekitsune ❤️❤️

[goldsainz]

❝ IN MY HEAD, WE BELONG ❞

MASTERLIST!

pairing . . . art donaldson x reader

◦∘｡ﾟ. warnings . . . smut (riding, protected sex), cheating, reader’s kinda delusional, toxic behaviour, not proofread.

◦∘｡ﾟ. summary . . . all it takes is a text and a lonely hotel room.

◦∘｡ﾟ. note . . . first art fic i am beyond excited 🤭 many more to come and my requests are open so if you have any ideas feel free to leave them in my inbox!!!!!! forgot how fun writing smut was, kinda crazy to have my first art fic be smut but i hope you guys enjoy it nonetheless 💙

[ word count: 1,7k ]

You know it is wrong to long for Art Donaldson. To not have moved on, but your life is incomplete without him. You tried to find someone else, someone who can compare to him, yet there is no one like him.

He’s not yours, no, in fact he’s married now. He has managed to move on from you, he has created a life for himself and he doesn't need you. Not like you need him, anyway.

You tune in for his matches, watch him beat his opponents and then run to his beautiful wife to celebrate. They actually looked good together, seemed like a proper couple and were the perfect faces of tennis. You could not be that for Art, you're too much of a mess to even dare to be as idyllic as Tashi Duncan.

Maybe that's why it feels so good that he’s currently under you, that it's your name he's moaning and your kisses he’s searching for. Maybe that’s the reason why you feel so unbothered by wrecking a home, because if he cheats, is there even much of a home to begin with? You don't think so. 

He’s like a vice you cannot seem to quit. Even when you first broke up, it took less than two days for him to hit you up and for you to be outside his house. Nobody knows you like Art, and nobody knows Art like you. You wonder if his wife is aware of how much he dreams of you, that when he’s with her, he’s thinking about you.

All it takes is for one of you to reach out, and you both throw all dignity out the window. The measly barriers you both created collapse in a second, no words need to be said to know what the other wants. It is quite simple between you two, perhaps in a way that is too carnal and not emotional enough. 

That is why, for some reason you don’t care enough to think about, he’s in your hotel room. 

You’re in New York City, alone in a hotel room that feels too big for just one person. You tried to go to a bar, tried to mingle with people in hopes of making your life less lonely. For just one night, at least.

It is not intentional that Art is also in New York, in fact, you’ve tried to steer clear of him and his overbearing presence in your life. It has been months since your last conversation, which consisted of him saying “Happy birthday” and you answering “Thanks”. 

You go back to your hotel room after your attempts at not being alone fail miserably. It is partly your fault, because you always end up in the same vicious cycle of comparing the men you meet to Art. No one can compare to him, and you damn your heart for taking over and not letting you have some enjoyment. 

You’re sprawled out on the bed, wearing your pajamas and scrolling mindlessly through your phone. You consider going to sleep, but something inside you tells you to stay awake and you receive your answer in the form of an imessage notification.

Art (Do NOT contact)

Hey, I heard you’re in NYC.

You

Yeah.

Art (Do NOT contact)

Wanna meet up?

You

Why?

Art (Do NOT contact)

Don’t know. 

Just missed you.

You

You can’t just say that.

Art (Do NOT contact)

I know. 

Are you free right now?

You

It’s 11pm, Art.

Art (Do NOT contact)

So? 

Send me your location.

You

[Location] 

Room 904.

Art (Do NOT contact)

Be there in 20. 

You’re thrust back into reality when he moves beneath you, hitting a spot that makes you arch your back and has you mewling. Guilt doesn’t even make its way through your mind, if anything, the scandalous nature of what you’re doing makes you wetter than you care to admit. 

Art looks up at you like you’re a goddess, a siren that he fell prey to, his eyes shine when he takes in the sight above him. Your tits are bouncing in front of his face, and he has to resist the urge to attach his mouth to one of them, but he’s too concentrated on the faces you make. 

You whine when he grabs your hips and moves you up and down quicker than before. Your hands are planted on his chest, grabbing onto whatever semblance of support you can get. You know how much he likes for you to be on top, loves it when you take control but today he’s antsier and needs to take some control back. So, he settles for tightly gripping your hips and deciding the pace of your movements.

You lean down and connect your lips with his. The kiss is sloppy, teeths clashing and your mouths open to let out a moan when the other does something that makes your toes curl. 

“Please,” he breathes out against your mouth, “Please, let me come.”

“Do you deserve it?” you ask, rearing back to look at him but you don't slow your movements either. 

“Yes, yes I do,” he pants, brows furrowing when he feels the heat in his core bubbling up.

“Only if I come first,” you say, taking one of his hands and placing it on your sensitive nub. 

Art moans at your response and his moves are hasty, rubbing you like his life depends on it. You let out short breaths at his touch, the heat inside you creeping up and ready to set off like fireworks.

He looks at your blissed out expression, how your bottom lip is between your teeth in an attempt to conceal the beautiful sounds you make. He’s tempted to use the other hand that’s on your hip to take your lip away from your teeth, but his thoughts are cut short when you clench tightly around him.

“I’m close, Art,” The blonde doesnt need to hear you say it, he knows your body like the back of his hand. 

It is no surprise when you come around him, a high-pitched moan escapes your mouth when your body shakes from pleasure. Like clockwork, Art spills inside his condom almost instantly after your release washes over you. 

He gives a few sloppy thrusts after he comes, feeling you collapse onto his chest, tired out from your orgasm. Art kisses the side of your head, heavily breathing and trying to form a coherent thought. Though it is quite hard when he is so fucked out. 

You separate yourself from his chest and press another kiss to his lips. Relishing on the closeness between you, he places his hand on the nape of your neck and keeps you in place.

After a few seconds he slips himself out of you. You whine at the loss of the fullness you felt, but he quickly shushes you with a simple kiss. It’s softer this time, sweeter than you deserve and more romantic than you’d like. 

You remove yourself from being on top of him, and lay down beside him. The pillow is soft and comforting, you keep your gaze trained on the ceiling and try to calm your harsh breathing down. You hear the rustle of the bed sheets and then feel yourself being covered by them, the soft touch of Art’s hand when he handles the sheets and brushes his knuckles against your chest makes you shiver

“This was fun,” he lets out, like he just got off an amusement park attraction. 

You can only hum in response, slightly turning your head to look at him. That is your mistake, because once you take in his beauty you cannot stop doing so. It makes you want to do things you shouldn’t, say things that would ruin whatever’s going on between you two.

“How long are you staying here for?” the question takes you aback, do you want him to know you schedule? A small part of you, the rational one, tells you to lie and put this little rendezvous behind you. But the part that makes most of the decision, the one that you damn each day, makes you tell him the truth.

“Until friday,” you respond, playing with the corner of the bedsheets between your fingers.

“Okay, cool,” he says back, it’s tuesday and that leaves you with just a couple days to see the other. How badly you wish that this wasn't what your relationship was now, but you have to make do with what you have. At least until you're pulled back into reality. 

You’re not sure why but the idea of him seeking you out once more, feels your tummy with a fuzzy feeling akin to butterflies.

“Yeah,”

Time seems to stand still for a few minutes, with his hands behind his head and yours resting just below your chest. It’s as if neither of you want to break the moment that’s happening, one that has a close expiration date.

After a moment of quiet, he finally breaks the silence, “I’m glad I’m here,”

You don't know how to respond so you settle for a simple, “Me too,”

For a moment, you both just look at each other, the weight of unspoken words hanging in the air. It's a fleeting connection, intense yet fragile, and you know that despite it neither of you belong to the other.

“I should get going,” he tells you, sitting up from his laid down position in bed and searching for his sprawled around clothes.

“Sure,” you answer as you watch him clothe himself, intently keeping your eyes trained on his figure.

“I’ll text you,” he says when he’s done clothing himself, “We could hang out again,”

“Okay,”

He looks at you once more, and you swear you see him hesitate when he reaches for the door handle. Something inside you aches for him to kiss you goodbye, to give you that intimacy that youre no longer privy to.

But as quick as that thought crosses your mind, he’s out the door.

Art doesn't text you as he said he would. You want to be mad at him, but you know you’ll be waiting for the day he messages you, and you can tally another clandestine meeting to your board. After all, you belong eternally to him and he to you. 

[gojossocks]

New Romantics

Gojo x reader 𐙚 Genre: fluff, comedy, hurt/comfort 𐙚 Summary: You are the bane of Gojo's existence, at least that's what he tells himself. You're just full of surprises and he can't help but be fully enamored by you. 𐙚 wc: 8.5k 𐙚 content: kinda enemies to kinda lovers, a bunch of high schoolers, gojo is soo out of touch with his feelings, it's in his pov, gojo is sooo down bad, PINING, badass reader, reader is in a clan too! reader smokes ! kinda screams im not like other girls in a less toxic way, jealous! gojo, heavy make out, very self-indulgent HAHA can be read as a standalone. 𐙚 a/n: my first ever series ! it's kinda long but i swear it's fun! :D

series masterlist | prologue

Arrogant. Insufferable. Patronizing. Apathetic. 

The list goes on. 

Granted, Gojo is nowhere near close to you. You were barely friends.

If there is one person in Jujutsu High that he likes the least, it would be you. It’s not like he resents you, it’s just that you represent  everything he hated from being in a clan just like him.

From the way you strut your very expensive loafers to the way you shop to your heart’s content after every mission since your first year. Not to mention that you’re the all-perfect princess that your clan wants you to be. 

“Gojo, please pass me the p-“

“No can do, shorty.”  He chirps, giving you a shit-eating grin. 

You glared at him before motioning Shoko to hand you the pen instead. “Gojo, you know you kinda look like someone I like.”  You didn’t let him finish, crossing your arms before giving him a devilish smirk. “That cute little rat from Shrek.” 

Gojo’s eyes widened at your insult but Suguru and Shoko were already snickering at him. He despises the idea that everyone seems to adore you, except him of course.

In the eyes of the higher ups and your family, you were the sweetest girl ever. Somehow, you’re always growing horns around him. 

Everyone thinks that Gojo’s only messing with you whenever the two of you banter. Hell, there are some students gossiping that he has a crush on you (which he definitely doesn’t) But only Geto and Shoko know how much he actually dislikes you.

You seem so obedient with all your clans orders, following everything that’s asked of you, carrying the submissiveness and elegance a Y/L/N is supposed to have. And if there’s anything Gojo hated the most, it’s tradition. It’s why he’s in Jujutsu High in the first place, he wanted to change the system badly— and seeing you become the embodiment of the tradition he badly wants to change pisses him off. 

Each time the higher ups get mad at him for not being in his ‘best behavior’, your name is constantly echoed around the meeting room. ‘You should be more like Y/L/N’ ‘Bring honor to your clan like how Y/L/N does.’ 

The only act of rebellion that you do is that your hair is dyed in a way that would make the higher ups frown. Your hair is recently dyed bright orange. He finds himself scoffing at the idea that you only get scolded because of a damn hair color. Gojo’s also confused with how cunning and sassy you are when there aren’t any prying eyes. Maybe you’re just doing that to seem cool. 

Well, he just has to avoid you at all costs so you would stop annoying him and pestering his thoughts. 

Unfortunately for him, Yaga has different plans. 

“Satoru. Y/N.” Yaga announces when he was pairing up students for a mission but he doesn’t even get to finish because Gojo emits a loud dramatic groan from across the room. 

“Why?” He whined, tilting his head up to create a dramatic effect. “It’s always been Suguru and I.” 

“Satoru, you and Suguru need to be paired up with someone who's an expert in reversed curse technique. It’s your fault you haven’t learned it yet.”  

Gojo crossed his arms and pouted. “Y/N can kiss my ass, teacher.” 

“No thanks. I’m sure you don’t wash yours. I could smell you from afar, stinky.” Everyone else groaned as the two of you started another banter, forcing the meeting to be 5 minutes longer than usual— particularly because no one dares to cut off your argument (Yaga is too amused because of how much you put Gojo in his place.) 

-.-

The mission didn’t go well. It was the first time you and Gojo worked together, and judging by your huge egos, your banter caused the both of you to get injured– you more so than Gojo. He was too reckless today, attempting to get a reaction out of you, which is why he got caught off guard when a 1st grade curse attacked him.

You pushed him out of the way, causing the curse to land a hit on your shoulder and right arm. Gojo stood still in his place in shock and your right arm was already injured when he snapped out of  his trance. He obliterated the curse easily but the damage has been done. 

You’re just lucky it was a minor injury but the fact that you did that for him, considering how you two were at each other’s necks for the longest time confuses him. It disoriented him until the both of you arrived at Jujutsu High. 

When he got patched up, he stood up to apologize but you were nowhere to be found. He assumes you’ve already healed yourself due to your reverse curse technique ability but he can’t help the nagging feeling in his mind. 

You were quiet today— well, ever since this afternoon. And no he’s not keeping track, he’s just not used to not hearing your snarky remarks and sarcastic comebacks at his attempts to annoy the shit out of you.

You’re just ignoring him, giving short insults in response to his own for the most part of your mission until you shielded him from that curse. 

His guilt weighs on him heavily as he strolls around the school, waiting for Shoko and Geto. but really it’s just to see you. Gojo had noticed that you’re always gone the moment after your mission’s debriefing, sometimes even when you’re injured. 

At last, he saw you just a few blocks away from Jujutsu High, towards the new 7/11 store that opened a few months ago. Gojo tilts his head to the side and furrows his eyebrows before deciding to follow you as discreetly as he could.

He stood near a house behind the convenience store where he could be hidden by a large plant beside it. He watched you grab a few things off the shelves and talk with the cashier, who happily greets you at the counter. You must’ve been here frequently. 

1 can of coke. A box of cigarettes. Coffee. 

Gojo never took you as the type who would visit a convenience store, as shocking as that sounds. He knows you’re rich. Filthy rich. You’ve always been pampered just like him, everything down at your feet because you’re the most powerful sorcerer in your clan. 

Finally, you got out of the store. Gojo’s eyes widened like saucers when you went straight to his hiding spot. 

“You know,” You called out, putting a hand on your hip.  “It surprises me how much of an idiot you are despite being a notorious smartass. Your hair sticks out of the leaves because you’re so fucking tall, Gojo.” 

“Heh.” He rubs his nape sheepishly, offering you a shy grin. “Didn’t think you’d see me.”  

“Really?” You deadpan before walking away from him, back to Jujutsu High. He jogs up to your side. “Why are you hiding anyway? Spying on your rival or something?” 

“Maybe.” He says lightly. It’s the first time any of you are talking normally to each other without malice. “Where are you going?” 

“Somewhere.” 

“Can I come?” He insisted, voice filled with excitement, leaving no hint that he’s gonna stop following you.  A smile tugs at the corner of your lips.

He looks like a puppy, following you around. It’s an amusing sight, even to  you. 

“No.”  You still kept walking, paying no mind as Gojo continued to follow you.

He feels an unusual giddiness at the thought that you hadn’t outright pushed him away because if you really wanted to, you would have told him to leave. 

You lead him to the abandoned fence with the sign ‘DO NOT ENTER’ in the restricted building of the school that had remained under construction for years. It was the tallest building in Jujutsu High. You wordlessly went up to the concealed stairs at the obscured side of the building and onto the rooftop. 

You sat at the edge of the building, your feet dangling off the edge. Gojo cautiously followed your actions, opting to sit next to you. He observes you as you unravel bit by bit and it’s the first time he’s seen you this relaxed and vulnerable—something that you granted him the privilege to see.

Rummaging through your paper bag, you retrieved a can of his favorite drink, Coca-Cola. As you handed it to him, a subtle surprise flashed across his face before he muttered a sincere ‘thanks. 

You then opened your box of Marlboro red and lit up a cigarette, putting it in between your lips before taking a drag. Gojo observes you silently, his mouth agape.  It was a revelation, discovering facets of you that he never anticipated. The act of you casually smoking, the ember casting a faint glow on your features, added another layer to the enigma that you are. 

Gojo stays silent for a few  more minutes or so until you notice his confusion, mainly because his eyebrows are almost meeting and he’s staring intently into the abyss. 

“Are you broken or something? You usually never stop yapping.” You joked, bumping your shoulder to his. 

“I didn’t know you smoked.” Gojo says dumbfoundedly. 

You chuckled but his question was left unanswered. He forgets about it completely because his brain short circuits when you move closer to him, taking off his sunglasses and perching it atop his head. His radiant baby blue eyes are out staring at you intently.

You give him a soft smile and point at the view in front of you. “I love going here after missions, sunset’s beautiful here.” 

“you’re being nice to me. Why?” 

Again. No answer. You just hummed in amusement and no words were spoken afterwards. 

The sun begins to descend, casting a warm, golden glow over the view from below. The city sprawls out beneath the both of you and the skyline extends into the horizon, bleeding in hues of pink and orange. Both of you sit in silence and when Gojo turns to look at you, he feels his heart beat quickening every passing second.

You look so breathtaking as the remaining sunlight kisses your skin, creating a halo effect around you. He suddenly doesn’t know why his palms feel so sweaty and he can’t manage to land a punchline to make you roll your eyes playfully at him. 

“I’m sorry I got distracted. Thank you for saving me today. I didn’t know you’d be more…” He trails off and you cut him off with a laugh so pretty enough that his head whipped to turn to you. 

“Kind? Human? You think I’m just like my clan huh?” You giggled and it shocked him how light you’re taking the situation.

You must’ve gotten used to it.

Just like him.

You stayed silent for a while before speaking in a serious tone. “Just because I don’t defy my clan’s ideals freely as you do doesn’t mean I’m not against it. When you’re a woman, you have to play nice, you know? I don’t have much of a choice unlike you. I know you don’t like me but I shielded you because you’re my friend.”

It was a wonder for Gojo that he’s the only one you’re not on good terms with out of everyone in Jujutsu High. Hell, he even overheard Yaga asking you to call back those Kyoto Students. It’s a big deal because those pesky Kyoto Students are usually their rivals but for some reason they’re always looking for you.

Then comes the Tokyo students, whom he never sees not greeting you or asking to hang out with you. Come to think of it, their expressions are always brightening up whenever you’re around and he thought that maybe they’re not that welcoming to him because he’s loud. But it’s you. It’s all you. 

From the way you listen intently to your friends, and your saccharine voice asking them about their day or whatever that piques their interest. You care, a lot. You even saved him from that grade 1 curse, resulting in a painful wound on your shoulder. Granted, you had the ability to heal yourself but who was he even in your life? and yet you took the fall for him. 

Gojo always hated that everyone seemed to look at him as that ‘six-eyed kid from the Gojo clan’. He hated the rumors about him just because of your last name— something that he has done to you since the first time you stepped foot into the school. 

He swallows his guilt and sets his pride aside. He wanted nothing more than to make it up to you.  “I’m sorry, Y/N. I’ve read you wrong. I thought you were just like the rest of them.”  

“It’s alright.” You say nonchalantly as possible but the voice crack at the end gives you away. Gojo chooses to ignore that. This probably means a lot to you as much as it did to him. “I mean I get it, I actually admire your passion for changing the way our clans lead the Jujutsu World. I think you have the guts for standing up to them just like that.”

“You really think so?’ He scoots closer and gives you a small smile, his heartbeat quickening faster as he feels your warmth— your thighs almost touching. 

“Yeah.” You grinned back, leaning your wait to his side before taking a sip from your coffee. 

“So you think I’m pretty?” He looks at you and bats his eyelashes comedically.

You snorted in response and slapped his arm lightly.  “I’ll throw you off this building.” 

Gojo forgot the passage of time in those 4 hours at that rooftop. The sun had already set and the moon was gleaming, already dark out. He likes talking to you but he enjoys it more when you’re the one doing the talking. 

You talked about your school life, hobbies, even your life with your clan– anything that comes to mind. Talking to you is as easy as breathing. You’re just full of wisdom, kindness, and wit.

Gojo found out today that he actually likes making you laugh, something about it makes his stomach feel funny. He also found out your preferences in coffee, food, and even music. 

“Don’t you dare tell that spot to anyone, Gojo.” You took one of the sweets in his hands and popped it in your mouth before giving him a teasing grin.

You’re now walking side by side on the way to the dormitory. He insisted on walking you to your dorm even if his dorm is from the other side of the building. 

A chuckle escaped his lips as he matched your stride. “Yes, Ma’am.”  He replied with a teasing voice, earning a hum of approval from you. You finally stopped in front of your door. 

“Thank you Goj-” 

“Satoru.” He cut you off,  his voice suddenly softening. As you tilted your head inquisitively, he found himself breaking into another warm smile.  His cheeks ached from smiling too much this evening. “You can call me Satoru instead.” 

“I like saying Gojo, especially when I yell your name when I’m mad at you.” 

“Are you mad at me right now?” He wiggles his eyebrows, earning a playful roll of your eyes in response. 

“No.” 

His demeanor shifted then, almost like he’s surrendering his vulnerability to you. “Then call me Satoru.” You could almost hear the plea in his voice. 

You sigh in mock defeat, your lips curved into a smile as you relented to his request. “Okay, Satoru.”

-.-

“You’re barely hanging out with me anymore, Satoru. Have you found my replacement already?” Suguru says, smirking as he watches his best friend’s eyes widened— a blush adorning Satoru's cheeks.

Satoru fidgeted with the hem of his shirt, causing Suguru to smirk at him. This behavior definitely did not go unnoticed by his best friend. Rarely did Satoru ever get nervous and Suguru was all for it. 

“I was just busy, Suguru. You missed me that much? I didn’t know I am participating in a homosexual relationship with you—”  He retorted, attempting to deflect Suguru. 

But Suguru wasn’t one to let him off the hook easily. “Busy hogging Y/N?” 

Satoru scoffed, giving him a look of disbelief. “Pffft. Nah. Of course not. We’re friends!” He insisted, though the way his gaze momentarily flickered away betrayed a hint of something more.  

It has been nearly 6 months since that evening on the rooftop. Satoru and you have been attached to the hip ever since— or to phrase it better, Satoru has been attached to you ever since. Somehow, you’re a lot more similar than he thinks and because of that, you just know each other a lot deeper.

He also finds himself doing things out of pure interest like walking with you to the 7/11 store after mission just to talk to you til dusk on that rooftop, completely forgetting about his friend group’s game nights. Other times, he reaches for your wrist to encourage you to mingle with other people. He even accompanies you to your monthly shopping sprees in the city or in Shinjuku or Shibuya. He found out you love traveling and going to other places— it clears your mind, you had said. His closet is now full of clothes you helped him pick out, almost half of them you bought for him randomly. 

It’s normal for friends to do that, right? 

Seated side by side, Satoru and Suguru observed how you and Shoko practiced your reverse cursed technique. Satoru’s just munching on the sweets you bought for him while his best friend is clearly enjoying the view of how dumbstruck he is by you. 

“Satoru,” he began. “You’re always following her around, it’s like you’re glued to each other already and you even fell asleep together during movie nights more than 3 times already. The only time you’re not with her is when you’re on missions with me or lunch. Are you already secretly dating?” 

“Yeah, we’re not!” Satoru says swiftly and defensively, causing Suguru to raise an eyebrow at him. “Why are you keeping count anyway?” 

 “Sure, just friends.” Suguru insisted, attempting to downplay the whole situation but Satoru is already growing agitated with the way he’s being teased.  Suguru gave him a devilish smirk.  “What if she dates another guy?” 

Satoru shuts up for a minute before muttering a quiet  “… She won’t.” 

“You don’t sound sure. She eventually will.” Suguru gave him an all-knowing smile and that’s when he knew that Suguru was being serious. 

“Huh?”  Satoru furrowed his eyebrows, casting an accusing look at his best friend.  “How are you so sure?” 

“Shoko said she’s going on dates.” 

Oh. 

So that’s why he’s been seeing you less, and you seem so distracted whenever you guys would hang out. Satoru thought that you were just busy but he didn’t think you’d actually go on dates with anyone. I mean, you’re still young right? Besides, who would be deserving of you?

Satoru didn’t notice that he was staring daggers into Shoko as you hugged her tightly. His expression darkened, jealousy flashing in his eyes before softening as he heard you laugh. 

Pretty. 

You look so pretty. 

Since when did he find you incredibly pretty?

Sure, you were just friends but he doesn’t know why he has this urge to be with you all the time, he even wants to hug you like how you hug Shoko and Utahime. It’s just unfair that you only lean to him or give him a fist bump or when you fall asleep with your head on his shoulder.

He longs to hold you close, to see you every morning, and to be the person that makes you laugh all the time.  

And when you noticed him staring you beamed at him and waved. 

Oh, he definitely has a crush on his friend. 

He didn’t know how much time passed but soon enough his day wouldn’t be completed without seeing you. He actually looks forward now to the meeting with different plans, particularly because you were there with him. And he basically lives now in your dorm room, candy wrappers everywhere and an array of his glasses sit beside your bedside table.

You talk about anything, even the random thoughts that come to his mind. You managed to know him better than Suguru knows him, which is surprising by the way. 

But during the past week, he surprisingly didn’t see you— not even at the rooftop that you both had grown to hang out together. Suguru told him that he acts like he has a ‘stick up his ass’ but he was just worried about you. Have you grown tired of him? It all made him fidget like crazy. 

Satoru caught a glimpse of your bright blue hair after your mission with Suguru. It was the kind of blue that matches his eyes. But he didn’t pay attention to it that much because of your sullen look.

He tried looking for you at the convenience store or your dorm but you were already gone so his last bet is at the rooftop, and there you are.

Your back is facing him with your feet dangling off the edge, you seem to be in your own world judging by the loud music he’s hearing. There are two packs of cigarettes by your side and a can of your favorite coffee. The sun is almost setting again and you’re just staring ahead while you hum along to the song you're listening to. The view seems so… sad. He felt something tug at his heart strings. 

“You know you should quit smoking. if you keep it, you’ll never see me old handsome.”  He tried to joke off before climbing the edge to sit next to you. He took off his glasses before wincing at the view, it was too bright so he decided to put it on again. 

You giggled in response,  he can tell that you saw right through him when you had a soft look in your face.  The both of you hadn’t quite reached the stage where you’re entirely comfortable with opening up to one another.

So he tried to lighten up the mood once more, “It actually diminishes your ability as a sorcerer.” 

“Says who?” 

“Says yoda” He responded rhetorically before giving you a lopsided grin.  

You nodded before taking out your lighter to light up your cigarette.   “I only smoke when I’m stressed.” You confessed.

“Oh?” Satoru asks 

“Yeah” You smiled at him, taking a drag from your cigarette, sighing when the nicotine hit your system. 

“Then we’ll do something else, yeah?” He grinned at you mischievously before pointing his index. “Wait.” 

With a quick rummage through his pockets, he brought out a handful of brightly colored lollipops, their wrappers crinkling softly in his hand. 

“What do you have in mind?” You asked, raising your eyebrows at him. 

Satoru extended his hand, offering you a lollipop with a playful wink. “Something sweeter?” 

He gives you a toothy grin—his eyes sparkling when you take it, shaking your head at his enthusiasm.

“This is ridiculous,” You laughed, amused by his antics as you unwrapped the sweet treat and popped it into your mouth. 

“It works, right?” Satoru asked eagerly. 

He’s been searching for alternative ways for nicotine but he couldn’t find any gum in the 7/11 store. Lollipops are his last choice. 

“I don’t know. Isn’t it gum that lessens the nic addiction?”  You countered, bumping your shoulder against his. 

“Lollipops are an alternative,” He says defensively, though a hint of concern crept up to his face.  “Are you okay?”  

“Yeah, uhm. It just gets tiring sometimes, you know?” You responded, bitterness lacing your voice. “ All the pressure. Sometimes I feel like I’m not treated humanely at one point.” 

“Hey. I’ll help you okay?” He placed a hand on your shoulder before offering you a soft smile. “When you’re with me, you don’t have to please those old geezers.” 

“I appreciate it, Satoru.” You smiled back at him and he found himself melting in your gaze. The sun be damned, he could live alone in your presence.

You decided to leave when it’s already half past eight. Once he helped you to his feet you looked at him shyly, and if it’s a bit lighter out he would see a blush creeping up to your face. The walk back to your dorm is silent again, your hands just occasionally brush and Satoru wondered if you think about holding his hand too. 

So when you let him in your dorm like you usually do. Satoru hesitated for a moment before he mustered up the courage and asked, “Is it okay if I hug you?” 

He noticed you freeze and he feared that he might have overstepped, but before he could retract his words, you’re already nodding and he instinctively wrapped his arms around you. Satoru hears you sigh in the hug and he feels like he’s floating when you tug him closer.

Satoru prayed silently that you couldn’t hear the loud thumping of his heart because he finally has you in his arms and this is all he wanted. The warmth of your body against his, the way you leaned into his touch, it all felt surreal to him. 

You’ve finally let your guard down around him and he noticed you gradually open up to him when you’re feeling sad or disappointed with something. Somehow he can’t bring himself to be like that to you yet, Satoru has this underlying feeling that you’d like him less if he starts showing vulnerability. 

But to his surprise, he feels like you like him more because of that. There was this instance where he’s so overstimulated after a mission because he had to take off his glasses to work on his six eyes. He started to become dizzy and everything around him was a blur.

As he sat on the couch, feeling utterly overwhelmed and disoriented after the mission. Despite his attempts to mask his discomfort with a feeble smile, you saw right through him, as you always seemed to do.

“Satoru, are you okay?” Your voice cut through the haze of his senses, casting him a worried glance.

He managed a strained smile before the brightness around him intensified, sending a sharp pang through his temples. "I'm...I'm fine," he mumbled.

“Satoru, you’re not a good liar.” You stood up to turn off the lights, only leaving the night lamp on, a soft glow illuminating the entire room, making it bearable for Satoru. He’s rubbing his temples, trying to ease the pain. 

He feels a weight dip in the couch, you gently remove his glasses and place them on the nearby table. Then, without warning, your arms enveloped him in a warm embrace, guiding his head to rest against the crook of your neck, fully covering his eyes.

Now that he’s calmed down, Satoru became acutely aware of the closeness between you. He’s lucky that you can’t see how his eyes widened at your action and how flushed he probably looks right now. Well, not that he can see anything right now. 

But he chooses to ignore the loud beating of his heart again, passing it off as adrenaline rush from the mission. He allows himself to relax in your hold, with your fingers threading softly through his hair, all his worries and fatigue melted away. 

Gojo Satoru had never known romantic love, let alone had a crush on anyone. So maybe it was just normal for friends to hold each other when one is tired or in need of comfort.

He loves to play with your hand when both of you are alone, while he babbles about something random and outright weird just so he could ignore how you make him feel. He tries to ignore the blush creeping up on his face when you listen to him intently, like every word that he utters matters, no matter how ridiculous it was. His feet always drag him to you because after a long day, all he needs is cuddles from you— oh, and your soothing voice too.  

So really, what is this weight on his chest when Shoko announced that you’re going on a date? 

Why is he pouting suddenly, assaulting his food as he stabs it continuously while you are gushing about what to wear or what to say when he knows you just look so beautiful even without trying?

Isn’t he enough?

Satoru buys you stuff, he takes care of you, he knows everything about you. He’s always hanging at your dorm after school, you’re practically like a couple at this poi–

Shit. 

Maybe he does have a crush on you. 

“I don’t know why you’d bother going on a date, Y/N. Guys are basically disgusting.” 

“Says a guy.” You rolled your eyes playfully while going through your closet. 

Satoru’s getting desperate now, why are you so adamant to get on that date? 

Satoru felt a knot of desperation tightening in his chest as he watched you model your top three dresses.  The first dress, adorned with vibrant florals, seemed to scream "first date" with its playful charm. However, you quickly dismissed it as unsuitable for the dinner date you had planned. Next, you slipped into a simple yet elegant black bodycon dress that hugged your curves in all the right places. It was hard to ignore the bitterness he’s feeling— you getting dolled up for a random guy. 

But it was the final dress that truly captured his heart. As you twirled around to show him, the white silk fabric cascading gracefully around you, Satoru found himself momentarily breathless at the sight. Your awkward smile only added to the enchantment of the moment. You look so ethereal. 

"What do you think?" you asked, swaying gently as you admired yourself in the mirror.

"I—" Satoru cleared his throat, his voice suddenly dry as he struggled to find the right words. "I think I like the other one better, the black one," he managed to say, though his heart whispered otherwise.

You somehow listened to his advice and wore the black bodycon dress that he suggested.

You looked nothing short of breathtaking, a literal goddess. 

It was the longest 3 hours of his life, each passing minute feeling like an eternity as he anxiously wait for your return. Despite his best effort to distract himself by distracting Suguru, his thoughts kept returninhg to you— wondering if you’re having the time of your life with your date. 

A small part of him wishes that the date didn’t go well and you’ll just spent the rest of the evening eating sweets with him all the while casting funny remarks on your date but he wasn’t prepared when you came home with mascara running down your face, your lips curved into a pout, and your eyes puffy and red from crying. 

Without a word, Satoru stood up to engulf you in his arms, furrowing his eyebrows as you collapsed into him.  “What happened, Y/N?” 

He held you close, a surge of protectiveness flooding his senses as if an attempt to shield you from the world.

“He’s a misogynist, Satoru!” You cried, your voice cracking. “So full of himself! I thought he was kind and sweet but then he just started babbling about his clan and how good of a potential husband he is. As if I want to marry him!” 

“Who was he anyway?”  He gently wiped away your tears. 

“Naoya Zenin” You sniffled, playing with the hem of his shirt. “I’m sorry I’m staining your shirt.” 

“No, no.” He whispered, brushing away the strands of your hair on your face. 

He took a mental note to research on the guy that made you cry later on. He realizes that the sight that he despises the most is the sight of you crying. He never wants to see you like this, ever. 

“You said you like the beach right?” Satoru spoke out of the blue, his hand tracing circles on your arm. “Why don’t we go to one?” 

-.-

And that’s how Satoru managed to spend all of his monthly allowance in a week. He booked a flight for the 6 of you (of course he wouldn’t want you to get the wrong idea, he insisted it’s a vacation for the six of you— him, you, Suguru, Shoko, and even Utahime and Mei Mei because apparently you’re good friends with them too) 

So now here he is, about 200, 000 yen poorer. (help i don’t know if this is accurate) He wanted what’s best for you, so of course he’d spend a lot for you.  It was all worth it though, when he sees you in a baby blue bathing suit that he helped you pick out. No it was definitely not because it’s similar to the color of his eyes. Blue just suits you well. (Hence, he’s also suitable for you) 

“Satoru, you're going to catch flies if your mouth keeps hanging like that. Hey, are you also drooling?” Suguru pokes Satoru, who quickly straightens up when you look his way.

You gave him a sheepish smile, and he didn’t know what the fuck you’re doing to him because he feels a hard on coming his way.  Shoko notices Satoru’s flushed expression but she just continues to smoke, clearly enjoying the show. 

Eventually, everyone agrees to swim in the beach and try on the jet skis that Satoru had rented. What he didn’t know though, was the fact that you’re afraid of the ocean.

You were just hugging yourself while the waves crashed against your feet. The sight looks so cute but he wants you to enjoy it, so he uses his tactics to get you to join the group.

Unfortunately for him, you’re so stubborn to stay on the shore. 

“I don’t want to go, Satoru! It’s not funny! I might get eaten alive by megalodon sharks or something.” 

“C’mon! I’m really tall, I can protect you! Jesus, here—”  His hand intertwined with yours, causing you to blush profusely. “Just hold my hand, okay?  Hell, hold onto me if you like. I can carry you!”

“Your hands are uhm, really warm.” You commented, your voice tinged with embrassment. 

“Oh yeah?” He smirks at you, his gaze locking with yours. “You want me to warm you up?” 

“I’m gonna kill you.”  You deadpanned. 

Despite your protests, you ended up trusting him to pull you in the deeper part of the ocean. He even managed to get you to ride the jetski with him, the grip you had on his waist nearly suffocating him.

Satoru didn’t want to focus on the closeness between you two— your body pressed up against his back. If he does, he might lose control and drop the both of you into the ocean. 

Meanwhile, the rest of the group is observing the two of you while sipping on their Margaritas.

“God, these two.” Mei Mei muttered as she rolls her eyes. “Best slow burn romance I’ve ever seen for free.”

If anyone would glance at you and Satoru, they would immediately think you’re dating, but you’re not and it’s frustrating to anyone within your radius. 

Besides her, Shoko chimed in, her voice laced with amusement.   “It’s so painfully obvious that they like each other. They were comparing hand sizes earlier for god’s sake.” 

“Yeah, they should just fuck already.” 

-.-

“Okay, so you kiss the person the bottle’s pointing at.” Utahime explained excitedly, albeit a bit drunk.

Everyone’s gathering around the crackling bonfire bonfire, the warm glow casting dancing shadows across the sand.  It was now nearing midnight and you decided to play a game to end the night, which is spin the bottle. You spent all afternoon swimming and riding the jet skis Satoru rented. 

Satoru felt a bead of sweat form on his brow as the bottle nearly lands you and Suguru.

He wanted your first kiss to be with him, as selfish as that sounds. He internally cursed Shoko for suggesting this game. 

It landed on Shoko and Utahime, then Shoko and Suguru, then Mei Mei and Utahime. 

His nervousness escalated as the game continues. Satoru was busy praying that the bottle wouldn’t land on you and anyone that he failed to notice when the bottle finally came to a stop, pointing directly at you and him. 

“Ooooh” Utahime teased you, playfully poking your arm. “It’s you and Gojo!” 

You laughed nervously, shooting a helpless glance in Satoru’s direction. He wanted to protest but his curiosity outweighed his embarrassment. 

He wanted to know how it feels like to kiss you. 

Besides, it’s just a kiss, right? 

Satoru was stunned when you hurriedly pecked him on the lips before you retreated back to your seat. His mind raced as he tries to process the fleeting touch.

He just kissed you. 

He couldn’t believe it when you looked back at him with a subtle smile playing in your lips.  

The rest of the night was a blur for him, not because he was drunk. Satoru’s a lightweight and you know that fact, that’s why you were drinking for him.

While everyone else is playing games and talking about anything, his mind is still stuck on the fact that you kissed him

You’re his first kiss.

And he's yours too,

The gods had answered his prayers.  But that was barely a kiss in the first place, do you even want it or were you just pressured to do it?

The thought stings. So he took a couple of sips from Suguru’s beer bottle until he was tipsy enough to not think about your lips on his. Yet, with each glance in your direction, the memory of your lips on his persisted. 

-.- 

Satoru helped you go to your room, even if he’s a bit drunk himself.  Both of you were stumbling on the way to your room, but he thankfully he managed to settle you down on the bed as gently as he could. His attempt to withdraw was no use as you pulled him down with you, your grip firm yet gentle as you clutched his hand in your sleep. 

Satoru admired your sleeping state, your hair sprawled out messily on the bed and you’re gripping his hand.

Your mouth slightly open as you slept, emitting soft rhythmic breaths but then you started mumbling something—it first it was incoherent until you mumbled in a slur,  “I think you’re cute.” 

“Huh?” Satoru questioned, even though he heard you clearly. He just want to hear it again from you. 

“I said I think you look like a sack of shit. Fuck you.”  You clarified, your words still slightly intelligible and laced with frustration and humor. 

“Uh-huh.” He replied, feigning ignorance, his heart fluttering at your words. A soft smile tugged at the corners of his lips. Satoru brushed a few stray strands of hair away from your face, his fingers lingering momentarily against your skin. 

“You know,” You started, your words slurring as you looked at him with half-lidded eyes. “You’re my first kiss. It was really good even if it just lasted a second. Thank you for today, toru.” 

He laughed at your intoxicated state. You just look so adorable when you’re relaxed like this, the way your features softened and your laughter bubble up freely without a care in the world.

His gaze drifted to your lips, they seemed to beckon him to give in.  He definitely wants to kiss you now. 

Satoru’s heart raced as he struggled to fight the urge to lean in, knowing that it was a dangerous game to play. You decided to take matters in your own hands, shifting closer to him, your face close enough that he could feel you breathe against him. 

“Please, ‘Toru.” You whispered, your lips barely touching. “Please kiss me again.” 

Who was he to deny you that? To deny you? 

When Satoru kissed you for the second time, he took his time to savor it. His hand reaches out to cup your cheek and brushes his lips against yours. 

Your lips are warm and soft, he wanted to kiss it for eternity. Literally. He feels like in cloud nine as he kisses you deeper, slipping his tongue inside as you parted your lips, earning a soft moan from you.

Satoru weight settled against you, your bodies pressed together, breathing heavily as he connected his lips against yours once more. 

You taste better than any candy he has ever tasted. He might just get addicted, drunk even. 

“We shouldn’t—” He sighs into your mouth. You whimpered when he pulled away, your sweet voice going straight through his dick. “I don’t want to do this like this.” 

“What” a kiss. “Do” followed by another, “You,” then another “Mean?” then another.

You were peppering kisses all over his face all the while carding your hand through his hair, tugging it a bit to earn a reaction from him. He almost lost it when you squeezed him through his boxers. 

Satoru managed to pull away which he clearly struggled on doing when you pout at him, lips swollen and covered with saliva and you’re looking at him with those damned doe eyes. 

He pecks your lips, both of your cheeks, and he places a final kiss on your forehead, afraid that if he does more, he won’t be able to contain himself.

Satoru wants his first time with you to be special, one that’s not hazy and easy to forget. He doesn’t want it to be a mistake, like what he knows the both of you would agree upon if you talked about it in the morning.

He wanted you to remember, have it engraved in your mind and body for weeks. Satoru wants you to want him as much as he wants you, and he can’t have that in a drunken mistake. 

As you both drifted together in your sleep, he held you close, his arms wrapping snugly around your waist. It was the best sleep he had in ages. 

-.-

Satoru’s fear came true when you pretended like nothing happened the next morning. When he awoke, it feels like last night never happened. Your side of the bed is fixed and the only proof that you were ver there was the ache he felt on his arm, where you were laying.  Sure, he was disappointed but he’s contented with anything you give him. As long as he has you by his side. 

The kiss never left his mind, though.

Not even when you reached third year and you drifted apart from him little by little. His feelings for you remains the same. 

When Satoru is paired up again with you for a mission in the second half of your third year, you seem different from the Y/N he remembers. Particularly because you act like the exact person that he met in your first year.

Only, you look dull.

There are heavy circles under your eyes, your lips are chapped, and you look like you’re barely holding it together. Not to mention the only words that you utter to him are only about the mission. 

He got too busy honing his skills with Suguru, but he would make time for you if only you asked. But it’s like you were gone, everytime he tried to look for you, you were nowhere to be found. It’s like he barely knows you anymore.

You started to ignore him at the beginning of the school year. He noticed that you dyed your hair back to its natural color and whenever he goes.

You became a ghost in a way, and he’s left with the pieces of you that you once had shared with him. Satoru desperately wants to reach you but how can he when you’re always away? He doesn’t see you in your meeting spot anymore, you’re not in your dorm, no one gets close to you. The only time he sees you is during meetings with the higher ups and your clan. 

There’s an ache in his heart that only you can heal. 

So before you can run away from him again, he followed your footsteps until you reached the 7/11 store across the street. So here you are scanning along the shelves of the store, even though he knows you already know what you’re going to buy.  You still haven’t noticed him, which is confusing on his part. You must’ve been so tired. 

Ah, an energy drink and a box of cigarettes. 

Well, maybe you’ve started avoiding him too because of that. You know he’s going to get worried. 

Satoru taps your shoulder, making you yelp. You were about to shout at him but your expression softened when you saw him. “Oh, it’s just you.” 

It’s the first time in months where he actually saw you up close. He misses you so much it actually makes him dizzy.  Satoru stares at you for a few minutes before you poked him. 

“Hello? Earth to Satoru?”

He hasn’t heard you say his name too in a while. It felt like a breath of fresh air 

“You dyed your hair back to its natural color.” He pointed out. 

You hummed in response before going to the drink section once more. He observes you skimming the shelves even though he knows what you’re going to buy.

You’re just passing the time because you’re too anxious to talk to him but you aren’t really good at small talks.   

So he does that for you.

As you mechanically scanned the shelves, your eyes not really registering the array of products before you, Satoru noticed the evident anxiety in your every move. Wanting to bridge the gap between you two, he seized the opportunity to make you smile. 

“ah yes, there’s some items on sale here.” He declared, rubbing his chin with his pointer and thumb comically. 

Your quizzical expression met his as you questioned, “I don’t see any.” 

Undeterred, Satoru held up a familiar item – your favorite coffee – and flashed a grin "Here," he insisted, pointing at the non-existent 'sale' label.

You raised an eyebrow at him. "It's on sale. Look. It says, 'buy one take me.'" He gestured to the imaginary tag with a theatrical flair, his infectious grin inviting you to roll your eyes at him. 

Finally, you gave him a smile and you threw your head back because you’re laughing so hard. “You’re ridiculous, Gojo Satoru.” 

Satoru's heart skipped a beat at the sight of your smile, a warmth spreading through him at the sight of your genuine laughter. He likes seeing you smile. He’d do anything to see you smile. Even if it’s making a fool out of himself.

You grabbed his favorite drink and 2 onigiris then you dropped your energy drink. You walked towards the counter with him following closely behind.

After you’ve paid for the food, you led him wordlessly to the back of the convenience store towards the small parking lot and you sat on the ground. 

“Besides, I can’t take you.”  You broke the silence, handing him his coca-cola with a tremulous smile. 

“What do you mean? You’ve already taken me for granted.”  Satoru attempts to joke, but his playful expression dropped when you gave him a sad smile. 

“I’m getting married next year after graduation.” 

Satoru suddenly felt as if the ground had dropped from beneath him. The news struck him like a blow to the chest, leaving him breathless. He chewed on his lip as he took in your confession.

So that’s why you’ve been busy.

That’s why the higher ups paid no mind to all of his minor mishaps. His heart and mind raced, why so soon? Are you really going to let them take away your right to decide who you’ll marry? 

“To who?”  He said quietly, fidgeting with the lid of his soda. 

“Naoya Zenin.” 

A wave of disbelief washed over Satoru’s face. He had only met the guy once but he knows that Zenin is an absolute prick, not to mention a misogynist and a weakling. He even made you cry on a date. But he tried to relax his jaw and stay composed for you. “Do you want to marry him?”

“No.” Your answer was swift, the word laden with a weight he could feel in his bones. 

“Then don’t.” Satoru says firmly. Both of you fell silent for a while, you being defeated with the destiny your clan have paved for you.  

Could he really let you go just like that? To a Zenin asshat nonetheless?

He had always imagined that the two of you would eventually end up together, you have all the time in the world after all. So why does it feel like you’re already slipping out of his arms?  He’s not even sure if you like him, despite what Suguru and Ieri keep telling him. 

His train of thoughts were interrupted when you leaned your head on his shoulder. His arm instinctively finds its way around you, as if shielding you from your clan, from the world.  “I wish it were that simple. Nearly everything I do for my family is never what I want. I simply can’t not do it, Satoru. I need it to keep my clan powerful and relevant. I’m the only daughter of my parents. I have to do my best to make them proud.” 

“Well…” He stammers a little bit when your hand finds a way to play with his hair.  “what about what you want?” 

“Satoru, you know my freedom is limited." You laughed bitterly. “I’m still Y/L/N’s golden child and my clan’s on the brink of exclusion at this point. We’re irrelevant now and I’m not getting any stronger or richer. My family wants to take their place in the Jujutsu World. This is something I can’t escape from anymore even if I’d rather die than to be married to someone like him.” 

“Why Naoya Zenin though?” He’s getting frustrated at this point. Why were you not fighting back? Satoru couldn’t accept that, you relinquishing your freedom for the sake of others. You have already done so much. 

“He’s from a well-off clan and he’s strong.” you replied, a note of bitterness tainting your words. “My dad’s also biased with the Zenin clan so… I’m all set.” 

Well, he’s a Gojo and he is the strongest.  He is the inheritor of the six eyes anyway. Who is Naoya Zenin compared to him?  

“Well then, can you marry someone else that’s also strong?”

You scoffed, your hand leaving his hair before you prompt to fully lean your entire weight on Satoru’s side. “Yeah, but I don’t have much of a choice in the matter. Who else would I mar-” 

It’s now or never. 

“Me.”  Satoru blurted out. 

“What?” 

“Me. you should just marry me instead.” 

Wanna read more?

[unbidden-yidden-deactivated20240]

I have gotten so many messages from folks who see what's happening to Jews right now, how literally any statement from us that isn't straight up "death to Israel!" "tear it down!" "river to the sea!" etc. - no matter how tempered in other ways or critical of the Israeli government it is - anything even mildly supportive of the terrorism victims/their families in their grief and/or Israelis deserving to live is getting dog piled to an absurd degree. And yes, that primarily targets Jews (because we're the ones primarily speaking on it) but it definitely is also hitting anyone not Jewish who says this as well. Immediately, overnight, the left has made any position that respects everyone's human rights and allows Jews room to grieve our murdered and missing family and friends without telling us they deserved to die in terrible ways completely radioactive. Like literally even the most milquetoaste statement attracts numerous hysterical commentators. And because it's so toxic, people are afraid to speak up.

And I've now heard from a lot of gentiles that they had no idea how deep the rot of leftist antisemitism went, how they've been seeing this unfold with horror, and are afraid to speak up.

Here's what I'll say: those messages give me a lot of strength, because they help me remember that I'm not insane, that this is horrendous, and we are seeing in real time exactly who would have helped the Gestapo find us if they were sufficiently convinced that this is "decolonization." That yes, the backlash really *is* that bad. I hear that affirmation and I appreciate it, and I understand your fear, because it was mine too. I myself strongly considered at the beginning not saying anything about this until I could do so without being harassed. (I decided against that because I am physically incapable of shutting up when it pertains to my people, but I understand the sentiment.)

Here's the thing: this is never going to end - those people who take seriously the question "are Jews people?" are going to be the vocal minority unless and until we all speak out. Jews are 2% of the US population and 0.2% of the world's population - there are literally more self-identified Nazis in America than there are Jews. I would honestly be surprised if there weren't more horseshoe theory leftists in the world than Jews also.

That being the case, we really do need our allies to speak up with us. I think if we all spoke up at once, it might be enough to break the silence-taken-as-agreement and shame everyone but the avowed antisemites (rather than the thoughtless and opportunistic ones) back into keeping their antisemitism under wraps. Which does have the effect of bringing the mob under control. Jews have faced a ton of mob violence in the form of pogroms throughout our history and backlash to Jewish victimhood. (Tl;dr - "How dare you make me consider how I might have benefited from or been complicit in hurting Jews? This is actually the fault of the Jews." is a disturbingly common thought process.) (You may also be wondering what I mean by "opportunistic;" I can explain in another post if people are interested.)

I know it's scary. I am well aware that you might lose friends from this. I personally decided that if those "friends" valued Jewish lives so little, they were never my friends to begin with, but it's different for non-Jews. They may genuinely be your friends. I'm not demanding you do this for me or my community, but I am asking you to consider what your line is for your friends. And if you are able to talk to them, to ask them what makes this group different from all other groups in terms of deserving compassion and human rights, it may just help us to quiet the mob.

And, if nothing else, just privately reminding those of us who are speaking about it that we are grounded in reality and compassion helps combat the mass gaslighting going on.

[secretress]

❝𝐏𝐀𝐂: 𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐦𝐲 𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐩𝐢𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐨 𝐩𝐮𝐫𝐬𝐮𝐞 𝐦𝐮𝐬𝐢𝐜 𝐚𝐬 𝐚 𝐜𝐚𝐫𝐞𝐞𝐫. 𝐈 𝐦𝐚𝐝𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐢𝐧 𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐟𝐭 𝐬𝐨 𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐬𝐞𝐞 𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐥𝐲 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐬 𝐚 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐫.❞

If you were a song album, what songs would you have?

🐇₊ ⊹ . 🤍 ʚїɞ Masterlist Subliminal Channel Tips

‧₊˚ 🫖⋅♡ 🐇 ʚїɞ 18+ Readings Paid Readings Tarot Services

PAC summary!

ִֶָ☾. Detailed.

࣪ ִֶָ☾. What song titles would you have?

࣪ ִֶָ☾. What genres would it be?

࣪ ִֶָ☾. Why the titles, genres, and what is the meaning of the album?

࣪ ִֶָ☾. Channeled songs.

Moodboard | Divider

Pile I

What song titles would you have?

Three of pentacles reversed.

‘’She was a sexy star.’’

‘’Paint, paint, calm the little one, once a star.’’

“Mad crazy, what a hottie.’’

‘’Butterflies were my favorite, are you one too?’’

“Cute, cute, I'm so cute, yes I am.’’

‘’What did you think would be fair?’’

‘’Alone working tonight.’’

“Gonna have fun being busy with tears in my eyes.’’

“Swift in the rain, nowhere to be seen.’’

“Lost and hurtin’, at least I have you now.’’

“Kiss my ass already.’’

What genres would it be?

The lovers reversed

Rock, pop, or a mixture of those two with folk.

Why the titles, genres, and what is the meaning of the album?

A lot of you like to mix and match your aesthetic and personality, not for the sake of others but because you believe it helps you heal from certain situations. The problem comes from your limited knowledge about how your mind works and what works best for you. As you go through a situation, you become lost around yourself and detach from parts of yourself. And as things keep occurring, you keep removing who you once were. There were times you sought to bring yourself back again, but the fear of remembering the past has eaten you. You are scared to see your past again. People think you move on fast, but that’s a lie; you have not moved on from the past, you ran away. Your past is your reminder for your faults, and you beat yourself up. You have become your own shamer and decided it would be best to have this personality of yours. Yet, you are struggling to show compassion for others despite going through with what they did. You went through the same thing and yet shamed them for it while ultimately doing the same thing with yourself. You kind of have this mindset of, I don’t remember it, but I will act like I did and move on with my life. I don’t think you see it or understand that it’s damaging your heart and mind. You have embraced your darkness.. But that’s all there is to your personality. A lot of you have family members who are concerned for your outbursts and rebellion. It’s completely new to them, and instead of explaining your reasonings.. Which you have no idea about, you push them aside and cause ruckus for everyone that adores you. You only have qualities of your darker sides; some of your lighter sides are trying to come back into your life, but you have kicked them away. You were insecure with them and believed your darker side was better, yet they were equally the same. People have too many misconceptions of the light side being weak and the dark side being stronger when it doesn't matter. When you have a balance between them, you become stronger. You are naturally confident, you can show love to others without becoming the victim of toxic people, and you mind your business. You become intelligent and cunning, but never use it for ill intentions. That was something you wanted, but believed the darker parts of yours were your friend. In a way they are, but you have used those parts in the wrong manner.

A lot of the song titles were focused on confidence and loving yourself, but some of them were also gloomy. Do you see the meaning behind those titles? “What did you think would be fair, alone working tonight, gonna have fun being busy with tears in my eyes, swift in the rain, nowhere to be seen, and lost and hurtin’, at least i have you now.’’ Sure, you ooze natural confidence, but at what cost? The cost of being alone, sobbing yourself at night, wishing you never did this to yourself, and losing yourself in the process because your past hurt you too much? Our past helps us not make the same mistakes again; making the same mistake isn’t a bad thing. It’s beautiful if you see it from another perspective. You need it to see it from a healthy perspective. Yes, the mistakes we make hurt us, but without actually understanding where the mistakes actually came from.. Or why it was caused in the first place, or even how you can learn from it.. You can never truly grow and become a butterfly.

And once you are able to heal from this and bring yourself back from it, you will genuinely tell those who have hurt you to ‘’kiss your ass already.’’ This is why your genre was rock, pop, or with a mix of folk. You will have a lot of spirit during your growth and healing journey, as folk music is relaxing with some beats going up at different moments. That's how you have felt with your journey. It feels chaotic sometimes, and sometimes you wonder if it's worth it in the end. Yet you know in your heart it's worth having the hope you have been painfully crushing and grabbing on since you were a kid. Don't feel the need to grab on that hope; let it go and allow it to come into your body naturally.

Three of cups.

You are also swimming around the surface of finally getting where you have always wanted to, but you must take that final step. Something felt missing with your reading as I finished hearing your channeled songs. You have people who want to see you blossom and have your true self back. But are you ready to become them? Are you ready to move past and stop idolizing your darkness and learn that having some light to you isn't a bad thing? That it’s rather beautiful. Are you even ready to embrace yourself once more and become a butterfly? Are you ready to create a beautiful masterpiece through your love for music, or would you rather keep composing the same music and making the same mistake without a potential to grow into a beautiful composer?

Channeled songs

It girl - Aliyah’s Interlude (before healing)

Harpy Hare - Yaelokre (after healing)

Masterlist ʚїɞ

Pile II

What song titles would you have?

‘’Fast and furious.”

‘’Come on the top.”

“We ride it all night till we party till death.”

“Kill the lady, she done no wrong.”

“Murder on my mind, can’t stop it no more.’’

‘’Soak it all up, we wildin’ all night long.’”

“I’LL KILL YOU ALL TONIGHT! Maybe a bit later, I’m a bit lazy, so tired.’’

What genres would it be?

Queen of swords.

Phonk, and some metal. I also hear elegant pop. Pop music that sounds way too fine and elegant. You ooze the feeling of showing too much natural confidence, and people think that you are playing around.

Why the titles, genres, and what is the meaning of the album?

The chariot reversed, ten of cups reversed, knight of cups reversed, six of swords reversed, and two of wands.

You have gone through a period of pain. People have made you doubt yourself, and you were surrounded with people who adored manipulating you. People thought you would be easy to manipulate because you appeared weak, when that was far from the truth. However, those that were closest to you knew that people were like that with you, and instead of showing genuine love for you, they let it happen to you. Even though you were able to deal with most of the social manipulation, you still had to deal with the betrayal. And those feelings have caused a lot of anger surrounding your heart. Sometimes you think about hurting the people that were closest to you, but then you remind yourself that you want to do better and be better. To be on top and work hard to achieve your desires. But sometimes those thoughts reappear and make you think otherwise. And then you beat yourself up on it when it’s not necessary. You are allowed to feel anger, and you are allowed to feel like you deserve justice. You can feel these thoughts. But you have to remind yourself how deserving you are to feel these emotions and talk about them with yourself so your mind can stop overriding itself from how you are harsh with yourself. Stop allowing yourself to nitpick everything about yourself; would you do it to your favorite character? A lot of you love anime and have a crush on a fictional character, and you fantasize they can never do wrong with you. Why don’t you make that into a reality with yourself? Do no wrong to yourself and show yourself some compassion. Show the love you needed as a kid to yourself.

With ten of cups reversed and knight of cups reversed, tarot tells me that you are causing yourself resentment with yourself. You keep insulting your future self. You keep making yourself feel anger because you are adamant that if your future self does something different, they are useless, a c*nt, or they won’t gain your love. The thing you must understand is that just because your present self wants this in the present moment does not MEAN your future self is interested in that. People always grow out of their shells, and your future self will do the same. They will want things differently because they learn things differently. They know more about what they want in their present moment because they were able to grow. Don’t you seek that growth, or are you too scared of change and desire to stay where you are? Daydreaming about these fictional characters because you are too scared to face reality. The idea of escaping feels better to you, yet it drains you. That’s why your genre would be PHONK or metal. Aside from the actual genre, understand it from a literal direction. Phonk is different rhythms and beats combined to make something sound good, but there is no voice. You lack voice with yourself as your mind has already become chaotic because you won’t do the things you actually want and instead procrastinate it and wonder why things are not changing. And metal would be screaming. You are screaming to yourself, hence the murder parts in the title for the things you want, but it goes in vain because you want things to be summarized. You want things to be done in a flash so you do not actually have to do the work. Your attention span to your life has worsened so much, not because you use your phone so much or your gaming devices. But because you don’t even listen to yourself. Your friends hurt you; you knew people treated you badly—how about yourself? You think it’s okay to be an ass to yourself just like those that hurt you? Be kinder to yourself and become your own best friend. If you don’t, you will only get hurt at the end, just as knight of cups reversed says.

Six of swords reversed says the same thing here. You know you must make a change in your life, but you won’t because you fear finding purpose in your life. You must understand you make your own purpose, your own destiny, and you can make your own choices. You cannot control external factors, only internal ones. So learn to take care of your thoughts and become the best person for yourself. Learn to become brave to face your fears and use your comfort character to help you do the things you want. Take baby steps in becoming productive, and don't push yourself on day one. Think about an anime. At the start, it’s usually calm, sometimes boring, but it never truly gets into the climax. This is where you will learn to figure out what routine you want and what works best for you. Understand what you want to do with your life and how to make sure you relax and take care of your needs. Removing people that do not serve you no longer, removing attachments, showing kindness to yourself, etc. Then comes a situation occurring during the anime that will finally lead to the climax. But this is where you must take the leap, take a risk, and go for what you want. It could be finding a lover that suits what you want just as your comfort character or fictional crush. It could be finding better friends, learning to fall in love with yourself, learning how to cook or go to your dream school, maybe a dream school or college, etc. And then finally the anime goes to its climax, and it becomes very interesting. Yes,  there are ups and downs, but it’s interesting, is it not? This is where your ups and downs will occur, but since you are already well equipped with what you did previously, you are able to handle it because you have learned to be courageous, just as the two of wands show. Maybe a situation occurs and you do not like it and want to relapse into the same situation, but don't. The ending is finally coming, and it’s usually peaceful; if not, there is always a cycle that must end before peace comes.

Channeled songs

Hold up - Beyoncé

XO - Beyoncé

Masterlist ʚїɞ

Pile III

What song titles would you have?

‘’I don’t want to do this.’’

“It’s too much work—wanna procrastinate.’’

“Something is dark within’, whatcha got for it?’’

“Shadows.’’

“Ocean consumed us. It consumed you, didn't it?’’

What genres would it be?

Dark metal and Gloomy Pop with a hint of rap.

Why the titles, genres, and what is the meaning of the album?

Ace of pentacles, three of cups, six of wands (reversed), king of cups, and temperance (reversed).

You recently went through a breakup with someone abusive.. to a certain degree. Others have blamed you as the bad person even though you know it wasn’t the truth. You saw through their lies, and you saw how others had pinned you to be bad. To others, how can your ex be someone good if they were this innocent or shy angel? “It’s simply impossible.” The idea of doing revenge on them crossed your mind, but you have pushed it aside each time. Now, you are struggling if you should do it or not and are looking for answers everywhere and decided to ask a higher being you believe in or trusted tarot readers. However, they keep giving you answers you don’t want, so you cuss them out, moving on to the next. Listen to them.

I am not saying revenge is not the answer; I am not saying anything. I would rather speak to you in an unbiased manner. What is revenge for you? Revenge can be a revenge glow-up, finally having your dream life, or it could be hurting the people who hurt you or killing them. Everyone has a different meaning for revenge, but what does it really mean to you? Ace of pentacles talks about a new beginning, why don’t you use this opportunity and make a name for yourself? Stop procrastinating the things that have scared you and go do it instead. Sure, it will take some time disciplining yourself to get into that mindset, but in the future, you will thank yourself. The titles I channeled for you all aimed to someone else or something else. What are you hiding from yourself? What are you so scared to admit to yourself that you have to hide in the shadows?

There was a moment of happiness for you when the relationship occurred. You gave them the world, always healed for them, always did better for them, and wanted to have a common goal with them. But instead of a common ground with them, what did they do to you? Used you to ruin your reputation and then run away when you mentioned that goal. And now the people you loved turned against you, and you have nothing now.

Nothing to lose.

You have nothing to lose, so why don’t you give it your all and gain something this time? You are at a point where you can do whatever you want because there are no consequences. None at all. What did you want so badly during your relationship that you postponed it for their sake?

With six of wands (reversed), the card focuses on how you should not expect success each time. You have tried to reach for what you want, but each time you did, you didn’t set realistic goals. You expected a better outcome each time but never learned your lessons. Sometimes people become too excited because they have opportunities to grow and get to a better environment, but they forget how hard it is to get there. To get where you desire, you might have to hike for hours upon hours to see a beautiful sunset or view. Some people would call it dangerous and stupid, some would say it’s a waste of time and others would find it to be a great idea. Focusing on someone’s ideals isn’t what you should thrive for. Thrive for what you want instead. Learn to stop caring about what others’ say about you.

I am aware that everyone says it all the time, but they never give the person a direction to start, so when those thoughts arise, simply tell yourself that you do not care. That you do not care what others say to you. Keep saying this as doubts appear, and you will start to believe it. And as you do this, allow yourself to do the things you want to do again, but without any expectations. Set realistic goals. Let’s say you want to get an A on your chemistry exam. What goals do you have in mind already? Why not just strive for a B? Maybe a B is average or not good enough, but your knowledge is not based on a letter; it’s based on what you know later on. So maybe you didn’t do so well and got a C because of nerves and failed your goal. So what? Get back up and do it again until you get your B and then strive for a B+. Eventually, as you do it, you will understand you are capable of doing better and improving; you will learn how to be kinder to yourself and also learn better for the future.

As for why you have those genres or titles, it’s rather self-explanatory. To explain it shortly, you didn’t want to do something again because of your fear of failure and the expectations you had. (’’I don’t want to do this. It’s too much work—wanna procrastinate’’). Your abusive ex made your life a living hell, and you tried to help them become better as you were healing yourself to do better for them. You gaslighted yourself, thinking it was your fault when it was theirs. (“Something is dark within’, whatcha got for it?’’). The ocean ‘’consumed’’ the both of you, when in reality it was just them and their dark soul. It made you think worse of yourself, and you became more sensitive to the world. Letting people walk over you and make yourself start prioritizing others, thinking that is what was necessary when you were genuinely perfect the way you were when you had already healed. (“Ocean consumed us. It consumed you, didn't it?’’). Dark metal and gloomy pop is how you have been feeling lately, and your mind has been running in circles trying to understand everything, which is why rap was added. Taking those genres in a literal fashion instead of what it truly is about.

Since the meanings are self-explanatory, I do want to add something from my side. None of it is channeled, and think of it as a small message from me to you.

Sometimes we know what is best for us, and we try to strive for it. Sometimes we think it’s the final answer, but it usually isn’t. You can keep looking for answers, but it will consume you and make you drown for more. Sometimes peace is better than knowing the answer. Having peace of mind is better than knowing the answer. We don’t know why people who are like your ex do the things to us, but what I have learned is that they are hurting, but they are taking it on the wrong people. Sometimes you want to help them improve and change, and they become triggered, so they lash on you. Know that it’s not your fault for what they did to you. Just because they were hurting doesn't mean you deserve what they did to you, and you never will, not even for your past and the guilt and shame that is still lingering on. People can be assholes and never go through trauma, or they can be ones and go through one, but sometimes they go through something and it changes them for the better or for the worse. Don’t focus on the other person in this aspect; think about what you would do with that experience, and if it does occur to you, have faith in yourself to handle it just like you would have thought. You had a rational mindset during it, and it was unbiased, and maybe it wasn’t the same understanding, but it was still unbiased of how you would handle it. Even when situations like those don't arise, instead of listening to your heart in those painful moments. Take some time to think and then address it. Even if they ridicule and make fun of you because you are not talking or answering back, know that you are being rational and won't have any regrets in the end. Those tips have been helpful for me, so I would hope they would do the same for you.

Take care of yourself, and don’t blame yourself for that scumbag’s wrongdoings.

Channeled songs

Friends - BloodPop and Justin Bieber

In the Shadows - The Rasmus

Masterlist ʚїɞ

[taesancult]

taesan + possessive sex + filling your womb with his cum 💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋

(it's possible) he'd be very sexy if he did that💋

WHEW- possessiveness + jealousy is such a good look on him like him rolling his eyes, clenching his jaw, glaring- i love it i live for it truly

warnings: objectification, boundaries being crossed (not by my king taesan tho, by a stranger), dirty talk, possessiveness ofc, breeding, i went overboard AGAIN! because this is my man and i love him, big dick!taesan bc it’s canon, unprotected seggs (be safe!), kinda rough tbh

18+ stuff under the cut. mdni.

taesan doesn’t get jealous all that often, and if he does he’s upfront about it. letting you know so that way the two of you can talk things out and figure out where this jealous is stemming from. however, he can’t really control his emotions when someone else can’t get a hint. say a person that profusely kept hitting on you, despite him literally being right there.

you two would be out at a party, the night was actually going great, until some guy wouldn’t leave you alone. at first, taesan didn’t care as the guy made small talk with you and he was watching from across the room. he started to really care when that same guy put his arm around you. um no. you abruptly turned, pushing the guy off of you and telling him that you’re taken. taesan saw this guy literally shrug and that’s when he really got pissed. he made his way across the room to you and immediately put an arm around your waist. “excuse me. she’s mine.” he said as he glared at him. “she’s not an object. seems kinda toxic of you. call me if you ever want to get away from him.” he gestured to you. oh he was fuming now. little did that random man know, you liked it when he was possessive, you liked the idea of being an object. his object.

he knew it was better to be the bigger person, so he grabbed your arm and led you away. he went outside, stopping to check on you. when you assured him that you were okay, just a bit frustrated. then, he asked if you wanted to go home, and when you said yes, he raced home. as soon as you got there, he slammed you against the wall. “did you like that? i bet your pussy is practically gushing from that interaction.” he’d accuse you with a fire in his eyes. “n-no he was so gross! but…” “but?” he raised his eyebrow at you. “seeing you get so angry for me was so sexy.” you would tell him as you had a flirty look in your eyes, causing him to smirk at you. he wasn’t mad at you, he knew it wasn’t your fault, but he was furious to say the least. “i’m going to ruin you.” he would say as he picked you up, taking you to the bedroom.

once the foreplay was done, he would turn you over so you were lying on your tummy. “ass up, baby.” he’d say as his voice was laced with impatience. you quickly got into the position, your face smushed into the pillows as you felt his hands tightly grip your waist. you had already reached your high a few times as taesan really wanted to overstimulate you, to show you only he could please you. he guided his hard cock to your cunt, rubbing the tip all along your folds to tease you, some of your wetness from your arousal and previous orgasms coating his cock in the process. “dongmin! no teasing, just put it in already!” you whined out, the emptiness of your pussy starting to annoy you. “yeah? my desperate girl wants my cock?” he’d arrogantly ask, and in turn you would just moan out into the pillows. “yes! need your big cock in me, show me who i belong to.” oh he would absolutely wreck you after that statement. his ego was through the roof, a smile plastered on his handsome face as he started sliding in.

once he made sure you were fully comfortable, he would just start going at it so heavily. smacking his hips against your pelvis as his grip on your hips never let up. you would definitely have bruises tomorrow, and the thought just made you even more turned on. “fuck- this pussy is the best,” he’d groan out as he started pumping faster, “gonna cum so deep in you, you want my cum, baby?” he would ask, and you would just moan out. he would smack your ass, prompting a response, “use your words.” “yes! want you to cum in me so bad!” he would keep pumping his cock into your cunt, his pace only faltering as his high got near. he snaked his hand around your body so he could rub your clit. you moaned out, your body clenching around him as you got closer and closer to your orgasm. “fuck! i’m gonna cum.” he moaned out as he felt himself on the brink, and you were right there with him. “inside! want all of it!” you cried out causing him to finish, his cum coating your walls, filling you up so deep. the feeling of his cum inside you as well as his hand still playing with your clit was enough to make you reach your high too.

as your highs started to fade, the two of you basked in the afterglow. he flopped next to you on the bed, making sure to wrap a gentle arm around you. you both were breathing so heavily together from the sheer impact of your orgasms. “god, you really need to get jealous more.” you said to him as he laughed at you. “really? you like that side of me?” he said as he smiled at you. “yeah it’s sexy, but at the same time you know i’m yours right?” you asked, and he nodded his head. “i know baby, and i’m yours, it’s just fun to have a little drama in our lives huh?” you both smiled at each other as you then spent the night cuddling.

[cupcakeslushie]

I dont usually send asks, mostly cause im shy and don’t know what to say lol, but I wanted to share my appreciation for your Kendratello AU, cause it’s helped me recognize a toxic relationship in my own life.

I’ve never been a victim to SA or anything of the likes, so I can’t say I’ve been EXACTLY in Donnie’s place, but something that unsettled me early on when reading your AU was how…NICE Kendra would seem when alone with Donnie.

In a lot of media, especially in the media I saw growing up, the manipulative antagonist almost always had very obvious tells that show they’re evil when interacting with the victim. Maybe they’re talking about committing a very clearly villainous deed, keep the protagonist prisoner, something like that. But Kendra didn’t. Well, not always.

Kendra destroyed Donnie from the foundation up, and then rebuilt him back up to be who she wanted him to be, would punish him but then spin the situation around to be his own fault, but the rest of the time she would seem kind.

Only recently have I realized that someone very close to me has been toxic for most of our lives, and the reason it took me this long to realize it was because they would treat me kindly only until it became in their own interest to act otherwise. But I would take it, because I loved them and didn’t want to hurt their feelings, and I assumed that since they loved me, they wouldn’t ACTUALLY (emotionally) hurt me.

Spoiler alert: they did.

I’m not going to get much more into it, but your AU’s been very comforting to me ever since this happened, because it’s helping me come to terms with the fact that what happened wasn’t my fault just because our relationship seemed nice most of the time.

Your depiction of Kendra manipulating Donnie so realistically, and Donnie slowly but surely realizing that Kendra was hurting him is so powerful, and I thank you for that.

I’m so happy for you Anon 💚💚

It’s good to see these patterns, and depending on how toxic the relationship is, to speak up for yourself, or cut the person out, if they are unwilling to change.

Kindness is often a tool used by manipulators. But the biggest thing to ask yourself is exactly what you saw. Is this person only nice to me when they need something from me? And if so, then this isn’t real kindness. Good for you for knowing your worth!!

⚠️

sa related ask and discussions of very toxic relationships…

Personal experience rambling below. Toxic friendship and sa mention.

I’ll only be discussing this once, here, in this post. So I’m afraid if I get anyone asking for further info, I’m not going to reply /lh

I’m very sorry for what you’ve gone through. I hope you can find what you need to heal. Everyone’s traumas are so different, so please if you can, and haven’t already, speak to a professional that will give you help catered to you.

But I do want to immediately answer your question and say, yes, I have healed, for the most part. It took a lot of work and self-reflection that I didn’t want to do, because it was scary. But when I finally talked to someone, and realized I needed to take action in order to heal, that was when the process started.

For years, I thought my only options were to suffer in silence, and that what happened to me was my own fault, because towards the end, I was consenting. But I didn’t understand how my mindset and self worth had become so twisted.

My person (let’s call him J) was one of my best friends growing up. But as he got older, and more interested in…mature things, he changed. J would only ever agree to hang out together unless I offered to give him something to make it worth his while. Eventually I started to think these acts were all I was good for, as that’s all that made him happy to be around me. Pretty soon, J didn’t even have to push the ideas onto me. He only had to act uninterested or busy, and I would sit there and beg to do whatever he wanted.

The idea of rejection grew to be so painful and terrifying as he was one of only two friends that I had (the other being his sister. So if I lost one, I was so scared to lose the other). And I’d recently lost one of my closest childhood friends. Which he often used her cutting contact with us in his manipulations as well.

(It wasn’t until years later that she contacted me through Facebook and revealed that it was J that made her feel too uncomfortable, and as she already lived two hours away from us, and only visited once a year, it was just easier for her to cut off contact. I don’t blame her now, but without that knowledge, the thought that it was something I did, only helped J manipulate me.)

As I grew older, and I got better friends, I started to learn just how much I’d been pushed into only ever doing what he wanted, and how one sided of a relationship it was. He moved away, and that distance I was so scared of became a reality. But it was the best thing to ever happen. I still wonder what would’ve happened if he’d stayed in town. If we might’ve gotten married or if I would’ve finally stood up for myself. But all that matters is he is gone. There is always the danger of him coming home and me seeing him—we were neighbors, so his parents and mine still live right next door. Holidays can be kind of a high stress time lol.

That cafe comic is actually probably the most therapeutic piece out of the whole Kendratello AU I’ve done, as it’s always been a fear of mine that I could just turn around and he’d be in town visiting lol. Sending Kendra through that portal was highly cathartic. But even if that were to happen now, I have my coping skills, and I’m in a much better headspace. I think I would be able to handle myself.

I’m still a people pleaser, I don’t think that’s ever going to go away, even with all the work I’ve done. The biggest thing is, I know I’m worth more now. I can see real kindness, and catch the fake stuff much better by looking for those same toxic signs. The real friendships I’ve made have shown me what connection is truly like. It’s not a one-sided negotiation every time you get together. And if it is, then it’s probably not a healthy give and take. I’ve healed, but it is a constant effort.

Every new person sets off some kind of anxiety in the back of my head, but I don’t let that fear control how our relationship will develop. I’ve got the final say in what happens and what I get out of it.

[lohotine]

(does a lil twirl) hi!!! hello!! i’ve never sent in an ask like this before, so sorry if i do something wrong o|-<! but what would be your take/your thoughts on a yandere shadow milk situation, where the reader truly starts to fight back, resist? 🤔

AN: Inspo from the song "Meant To be Yours."

Shadow Milk x Reader

Oneshot

Warnings: Yandere, toxic relationship, obsessing, manipulation, mentions of murder

-Locked Out-

"Come on doll, you're just being silly!"

A few knocks would be sounded on your door.

"I already told you. I'm not coming out until you agree to let me leave!"

Shadow Milk sighed. Surely you didn't think that something as simple as a door would be able to stop him... right? He almost found your stupidity amusing....

Oh well. Entertaining this small delusion of yours for a little while couldn't hurt.

"You know locking yourself in there kind of defeats the purpose of being able to escape, right?" He'd ask you.

...

"I don't care! I just don't want to see your stupid face. I hate you!"

And you'd keep repeating that last line over and over.

"I hate you."

He knew better than anyone that those words held no truth. They couldn't! How could you hate him when all he's been doing has been in your name?

He lived for you. He breathed for you. All of his thoughts were for you. It was all you, you, you, you, you!

You were akin to a beautiful bird. One that, if it were to ever escape, would surely be hunted down by others. That's why you needed to stay here, with him, where he could keep you safe.

Keeping you chained down was in your best intrets, even if it did strip you of your freedom... He was the only one who deserved to see you, after all.

"Listen, my doll. I love you so much. Why don't we just end this silly argument?"

His voice sounded so inciting, yet it was laced with a venom that would kill you if you ever let it in.

"No. Don't talk to me unless you're bringing me outside."

There you went again, acting all stubborn... It was a fun game at first, but it's now become a lot more troublesome.

"Open this door," he said, this time with much less leniency in his voice.

He said it in such a way that shook you to your very core. It was cold and uncaring, unlike his usual playful self.

But... you just knew you couldn't open that door. You'd basically be handing your freedom over to him.

"You know I hate it when you do these things-" a loud bang came from the other side of the door, "you always make it look like I'm the bad guy."

But you would not move. You did not open that door. You could not open that door.

"If this door isn't open in five seconds, I'm going to come in there myself."

...

What caused his personality to change so much?

"Five."

Why did it have to be you that he adored?

"Four."

Can't he just leave you alone?

"Three."

He's actually insane!

"Two."

Please go away...

"One."

....

You asked for this, Shadow Milk thought to himself. If only you had cooperated more. Maybe he wouldn't have to do these things. It really was all your fault.

He vanished into some shadows before swiftly reappearing on the other side of the door; where you were.

Ah, he just loved seeing your face full of fear.

We're you scared of him?

Good. You should be.

It's about time you realize who's really pulling the strings.

"You didn't really think escaping me would be so easy right? A simple locked door is hardly an obstacle, doll." He bent down in front of you, smiling and patting your head degradingly.

Tears would prick the corners of your glossy eyes as you realized you had lost.

"Oh, I've just had the most brilliant idea!" He leaned slightly closer to you. "You said you wanted to go outside, right?"

There wasn't a response from you, but you looked up at him ever so slightly.

"How about I bring you to a nice little village and slaughter each one of the residents in front of you?" His smile turned crazed, and there was hardly any sanity left in those eyes of his.

I mean, of course he'd never actually bring you outside. There was too much risk in something like that. He just needed to scare you a bit. Get you to submit.

You'd grab his arm and started to beg; quite pathetically at that.

"Don't-"

He just kept smiling, forcing you to your feet and dragging you around by the wrist.

"Wait! Don't do that please," You'd say in between a few sobs.

His grasp around your wrist tightened.

"Tell me you're sorry," he said.

"What-?"

"Apologize."

"I'm sorry.." your legs began to quiver and you'd take a small step away from him instinctly.

He cupped your face, bringing you closer to him. "For what?"

"For not listening."

It's strange, really. He was the one breaking you down, yet you were the one apologizing. It's scary how easy it is to get you crawling back to him.

"All right. I'll forgive you. But only because I'm so loving and understanding."

He brought your face to his, pushing his forehead against yours.

"Just know that next time I won't hesitate to kill all of them, and it'll be all your fault if I do."

《☆》 Fin

[double--blind]

(SPOILERS) Andrew and plausible deniability, OR: mfer doesn't wanna be held accountable for his actions

This has been churning in my head for a while (I am mentally ill 🥴), but a large part of the driving force behind Andy and his actions is his aversion to blame. He sorta shares this w/Ashley (she's got quite a few rants abt how things aren't her fault), but I believe Andrew takes it just a step further.

I've seen many say this before, but from the start of the game, you'll notice that even beyond normal moral quandaries, Andrew's first objection to any horrific action Ashley proposes is usually a variance of "what if we get caught?". He objects not bc her ideas are ethically repugnant, but bc they could be found out as having done them, and he knows rationally that others know they're bad. This goes as far back as childhood with the Nina incident. He fears punishment and the threat of prison more than he apparently worries about what his crimes might mean for him as a person or what they might mean for the people that might be affected by them (save him and Ashley). This doesn't mean he doesn't feel guilt or have nightmares abt them, but they're not his first priority. Trouble's a pain to deal with, and the dude's low-energy.

In fact, most of his guilt seems largely self-centered. Like, no exaggeration: if it isn't about either him or Ashley (which is, in a way, lowkey also about him), then he couldn't really care less. Do you recall him ever expressing worry or remorse on Nina's behalf? Mourning her? We think Ashley's the one w/empathy issues, but Andrew's in the same boat imo. Self-preservation and self-interest is all that's keeping him seemingly amiable enough for polite society, bc for the most part, he really couldn't be bothered.

In his dreams, the victims of their murders are just bodies: interchangeable, holding no more meaning beyond the fact that they're dead. Any corpse's limb will do to replace the one Ashley cooked—never mind that they may be from different people—bc they're all the same to him. Even Julia, sitting in her dorm room surrounded by evidence of Ashley's harassment, gets no sympathy from Andrew. For the most part, he elects to ignore it all, and regards Julia herself with a detached sorta nostalgia tinged in no small part with apathy.

img txt: You'll never see her again. And the fact that it doesn't really bother you, bothers you.

(The only things of notable worth from her were the colored pencils on her desk, which he promptly takes from her to give to Leyley instead, and isn't that just some crazy symbolism right there?)

His fear of punishment goes hand-in-hand with his desperate pursuit of plausible deniability. Everything he does, he does under certain self-imposed conditions. If it's Ashley's idea and he argues back, it doesn't matter in the end if he goes along with it, bc it was Ashley's idea in the first place. He's just there to make sure she doesn't get them in trouble, bc she needs him, bc he's gotta take care of her. Even if it's not her idea at all (e.g., killing the closet warden, killing the lady in room 302), it's still her fault, bc he did it for her, bc everything he does, he does for her.

Ashley's a manipulative, evil lil possessive gremlin w/a soul as black as tar, and Andy's a doormat, but don't think for a second that part of him doesn't use that dynamic a little to keep from reflecting on what he is. He suffocates under it, but he also relies on it. If there's any sort of plausible deniability available, he'll take it and run with it.

The truth of the matter is that they're both deeply toxic, warped individuals. The difference is that Ashley's owned up to it and quite frankly doesn't care. Andrew hasn't. He's the "normal" one.

Now, for the funky incest part (what we're all here for babyyyyy)—

We've all seen the flavor text abt the bed-sharing by now, right?

img txt: Oh yeah, you tooootally have nightmares as often as you claim.

We know for a fact that aside from some light teasing, maybe, Ashley would have no problem whatsoever with sharing a bed w/Andrew. Heck, she'll coax him into bed (demo) or climb onto the couch with him (ep 2) w/o any prompting from him whatsoever, just bc she feels like it. Andrew, apparently, can't do the same. He doesn't allow himself this intimacy of his own choosing, so he has to lie and pretend to get it if he wants it. He's greedy for her, too, but he can't let himself show it.

If something is sufficiently too intimate in his eyes, beyond anything he can excuse away for some reason or another, then he'll stop himself from doing it. Just like how he wouldn't let himself succumb to the urge of pulling Ashley into his arms to make her smile, but is willing to give her a hug when she asks for it in front of their parents.

He insists on the extra expense of two beds, and then cites his nightmares and panic attacks as the driving force behind crawling into bed w/her, bc then it isn't really his fault now, is it? He tried to stay away, after all. He did! He just didn't have a choice!

Lol

Andrew can't admit to wanting this—buries those feelings and thoughts as deep as he can so they fester and bleed, the repressed idiot—so he gives Ashley all the power to decide how close they get. It's in Ashley's hands. He's free of that hassle.

Which is why the post-sex vision, and Ashley's reaction to it, is so dangerous. @csg-iii made a good point about it in my last post:

img txt: I think the biggest point about "11" is that Andrew asks/begs Ashley for reassurance that it will never happen ("never say never"). It's a subtle admission that if she really wants it to happen, he knows he won't be able to resist his own urges. His only ""hope"" of avoiding going there is if Ashley doesn't want it.

Andrew, in absolving himself of this choice and putting it in Ashley's hands, shoots himself in the foot, bc what if Ashley goes the whole mile? Then the only real thing keeping his desires unrealized was the fact that they had never been voiced as an option before.

He doesn't want to think of himself as someone who'd bone his own sister. Forget being a cannibal, demon summoner, or a murderer; those titles were foisted upon him. This is too close to something real that he carries inside him; this isn't anything Ashley's buried in him, but rather something of his own invention. Something he'll definitely have to take responsibility for.

[muchtooold2]

I’ve recently discovered the part of the internet deeply devoted to defending Mystra in BG3 and I get she’s a long standing lore character but it feels like we played a wildly different game.

And I just know in my heart of hearts that if Mystra were male and Gale were female I wouldn’t have to keep reading some variation of “well it’s fine she did nothing to stabilize a ticking time bomb in the chest that would have wiped out an entire city because it needs to feed on the weave despite no real evidence this actually hurts her at all” or “actually it’s Gale’s fault he tried to return what he thought was part of her to her because he was an grown adult who should have known better despite the fact she did not tell him and he did not know it would have hurt her and is horrified to learn this in act 3.” Like, this isn’t me woobifying him. I love Gale and know he can be self-absorbed, his ego is big, and if left unchecked his personality leads him to become the literal God of Ambition. But he’s not like a power hungry schemer. His ambition and desire for knowledge (things Mystra likes!) got the better of him and since he is also insecure he decided to try to do an ambitious thing and prove himself to a goddess. He knows and admits that’s on him! But he (and players) are still allowed to be mad at the fact he’s kicked to the curb to maybe blow up a city to learn a lesson Mystra does not bother explaining until she’s literally forced to because he did not kill himself on her command. And people are allowed to find their relationship wildly inappropriate and toxic and abusive because based on the game you play, it is.

I don’t think it’s bonkers to say that in this situation, Mystra—a literal goddess who met Gale when he was probably somewhere between 17-22 years old—was wrong to have a relationship with him, that it was a toxic and abusive one and that is on her as the entity with more power in every way, that she was petty for letting him languish for a year and being willing to potentially let him kill a whole city while he was trying not to die by eating magic shoes, and that telling him to kill himself is a dick move. And people are like “well according to DnD lore she’s just protecting herself and she was only resurrected after he was a teen” are doubly annoying because bg3 doesn’t give a shit about the canon timeline considering Durge would be like…10 if they cared.

And I know it sucks if you like love Mystra in DnD lore and this doesn’t align with her or whatever but bg3’s themes of “hurt people hurt people” and “power over others is something easily abused if you’re careless” also applies to Mystra. With the sort of exception of Selûne, the game also feels pretty clear on the idea that gods Do Not and Cannot Care About You. The game you play is showing a toxic relationship (and I will say she is not as bad as some people say she is, like she is a goddess operating with some blue-orange morality) and if the genders were flipped we would not be having this discourse.

[hanasnx]

i desperately need more thoughts and ideas about baby daddy!anakin bcos why has that never crossed my mind??? that sounds so 😵‍💫

baby daddy!anakin.

MINORS DNI 18+ NOTES: isnt it so 🫠 WARNINGS: f!reader | baby daddy!anakin | toxic behavior | sexual content: smut but not too in depth | kinks: breeding, degradation | jealousy | you and anakin have a son together | no y/n

! ── You aren't married to ANAKIN SKYWALKER, even if he asked you— begged you to. It's not the right move, it's not what you want, and you won't let him bully you into doing "the smart thing" as he calls it. It's partly his fault you got knocked up, and he's acting as if marriage will magically solve it. He's not the kind of person you can share a life with, and you're not comfortable seeing him as often as you have to when you trade off your son to him. He's learned some boundaries, keeping his distance. Unfortunately, you fell for him and all his crazy tendencies. So it was more than difficult for him to sweep them under the rug when you two split. He noted how you responded negatively to when he came over unannounced, saying it was because he missed his son, when that was guise to see you. You responded even worse when he'd barged in after he threatened to break down the door. So he learned that he won't get what he wants when he does them. Even though, at one point, you liked those things about him. You liked that he took what he wanted, and now he has to repress those urges in order to be allowed visitation to his son at all.

! ── Of course, there are things you miss about him. You don't like the idea of teaching anyone how to please you, so the easiest thing is to ask him for his assistance since he's already an expert in the field. After heavy debate, you decide to call him after a bad date. “Hello? Is everything alright?” he demands into the receiver. This untimely hour could only be explained by an emergency, and his first thought is something happened to his son. “Hey.” your response on the other line is a sigh. “Everything’s fine. Can you come over?”

! ── Once the floodgates open, it takes no time at all to unravel each other. He knew he missed you, but he didn’t realize how much until you’re a quivering mess underneath him. Your dress having been hastily ridden up around your waist so he can twist your body to meet his needs, folding your legs up as he leans on you. That fat cock you adore being driven into the deepest parts of you, kissing that spongy spot inside you exactly how you like it. No one can do it like him. As frustrating at it is. You're partly to blame for his infatuation, you can't stay away from him either. Letting him do this to you, fuck you like this, planting those seeds of need within you.

! ── When you and him first split, he couldn't know about the dates. You would avoid tipping him off about them at all costs, anything to evade his potent jealous rage. "You've walked with my child growing inside you. And some stranger thinks he lays claim over you? What about me? Does my hard work mean nothing? Must I do it again?" As if you'd make the same mistake twice, let him breed you for a second time so you're reliant on him again. Or worse, you'd make the same mistake with someone different. Does he think that little of you? You and him were just stupid kids when your son came into the picture. Neither of you knew what you were doing. You're smarter now... aren't you?

! ── Now you use your dates as leverage. Make him angry, make him fuck you harder, make him fuck you like he's never fucked you before. Talk shit about whatever guy you let hit before you called him to "clean up that fucker's mess." and how after this, you'll "kick him out like you always do. but you can't stay away from him long." He'll even degrade himself, "And I'll keep coming back too. You'll do the same damn thing next week, act like you want nothing to do with me. Treat me like a stray. Only to get soft and horny and call me to come give you a fix 'cause you can't do a thing for yourself. You're a fucking addict, you know? I'm tired of it. But I'll keep doing it, because I'm the only one who fucking will. Only one who can handle you, isn't that right?"

! ── When the entrance sounds familiarly, he opens the door to the bedroom. Shirtless, and black pants hanging low on his hips, he leaves you spent in your bed as your son gets inside and realizes who's over. Your son breaks from the babysitter's hand, sprinting towards him. "Dad!" he exclaims. He stoops, catching his son in his arms to scoop him up. "My love," he responds tenderly, cradling the back of his son's head as their cheeks press together. "You're here!" his son notes with awe. You can hear them through the walls, smacking your hand against your forehead. He wasn't supposed to let your son know he was here, the babysitter's early. Fuck, now your son is gonna insist he stay for dinner or something. That's exactly his plan, isn't it? Use your son to get closer to you.

[tocomplainfriend]

VIV is constantly criticized by her own fault.

TW: Mention of: SA, Rape, Transphobia, fat phobia, Antiblackness.

(Hey, i'mma probably do a post eventually about episode 4. Btw, awfully shit, worse than I thought it could be... BIG TW OF R-PE AND SA IF YOU'RE GOING TO SEE IT. AND TW of the minimization of those topics too.)

(SORRY FOR BAD ENGLISH IN THIS POST TOO)

BUT I NEED TO CALL ATTENTION TO THIS! One of the reasons I criticize a lot of Viv specifically is because of how much she puts herself out there. She sees something she posts on Twitter about it a shit ton (even on "threads" lol). AND because of how lacking of improvement she has being. (I personally know people I have considered terrible when we were teens, but I have seen legit improvement from them in recent years. They seem like people who struggle, but got to grow up and made up for any problems (or pain caused to me or others). People have the ability to change and become better. Something that matters at pointing out issues or discussing-is the idea of creating change on others. It is better to get someone to change for the better than to cast them into the forever jail of nothingness (unless, IDK, they Sexually Assaulted someone, for example). Specially when they are young people. Doesn't mean YOU have to stick with other people that hurt you, no. Doesn't mean people get to do what ever and get away with it.

BUT All of this problem I have seen from Viv are from age 19-30. (you can change at anytime btw) And see constantly repeats herself and her actions. Seems to have never accepted criticism (said by herself too), and never able to see her own faults. The fact that is a continuous behavior is a problem, how she always responds is awful. My post of "Viv has being transphobic for 10 years", was to signal that. If she really had changed over those 10 years to a genuine thing- I could've taken that! But no, the shitty double standard against trans men... the weird treatment. THE MANY STORIES OF EMPLOYEES GETTING MISGENDERED HEAVILY, TOO.

(I know people who were transphobic [When they were teens mainly], that Genuinely improved and changed their beliefs. Now they treat trans people with respect and care! And still learning about gender-fluid people, too!)

It just seems to be further and further away from getting better! The fact that she only decides to take in account voices from SA victims that agree with her- it's painful as a victim, my self!

And yes, people who sent gore or dumbass shit to Viv (or the team) don't help. And go get help why you're looking and sending Gore to anyone. (Also, stuff like this does lead to people not listening to others people genuine callouts). The fact that I criticize something doesn't mean I agree with the people that go and do shit like the thing I just mention above.

AND ALSO A IMPORTANT THING HERE!

This drawing was created by DollCreep. BUT ALSO FUCKING REMEMBER this was done in response to the shit that Viv drew of him.

If you didn't know Viv drew a transphobic caricature of DollCreep using the name Jojo (his old nickname). This put together with a shitty anti-sjw meme video. DollCreep is a transman, Viv drew a character based on him. A furry wolf girl, If you can see in the image the main thing listed below the character name is the fucking "Sex=♀️". SO ON PURPOSE, CHRIST. Like... AND YES-is shitty from both to have drawn this (even if it was in respond) mainly immature in DC part. But that, or any toxicity coming from DC, doesn't delete the transphobia here. (imagine drawing a racist caricature of a poc person, because they are shitty to you). THE POST LINKED ABOVE SHOWS THE SITUATION, and in the end of the day. Viv says that DC is an abusive shitty person to her, but never realizing her own faults or anything she could'be possibly done wrong! (and again, any wrong done by DC in general can not be deleted by the fact of having being treated badly. If he did shitty stuff himself, that doesn't delete the wrong done in general to him or to others by viv)

Here about transphobia:

(this is like 8yrs old too)

Again, she never acknowledges anything that she might have done wrong. "She is a thoughtful person, that wants tor write queer and disabled characters! She wants to tell empowering stories of..." It doesn't even feel close to that when people bring up actual problems in her writing that are stereotyping or bad, and she just yells and cries. It all feels like empty sticks she is only interested in in the surface level, she doesn't want to actually deal with.

When she says "This characters is black guys ♡♡♡" and then the fucking 7th, a grayish character with zero black features. She can not actually try and draw a black person with a different hair texture, she'll faith is hair isn't straight and spiky (has done this so much too). She is all for positivity and diversity (can not draw more than 1 character that isn't a fucking stick with the same stupid face).

She can not write relationships in general. She cannot do gay couples, then don't lean on the stupid old uke uwu defenceless x big rough seme protector stuff. Again, all the interactions with Husk and Angel are sexual harassment. They are already a revealed future couple (and episode 4 is terrible for them, specially with that song). Stolitz is toxic, and predatory. That is not acknowledged, and all Stolas's predatory behavior and power dynamics are put in the background, cause- "look how sad Stolas is :(! HIS DAD IS SOOO MEAN, HIS WIFE IS A BITCH". All her gay characters are in pure surface: over-sexual twinks that are assholes, which also fit into the top/bottom as personality boxes.

Any other point includes sexual harassment as a joke. BUT KNOW SHE WANTS TO BE LIKE "GUYS SA STORIES MATTER, LOOK AT WHAT I WROTE" as if she didn't lean back into the problem of the diminishing of SA and r- (in general and done to men) with her jokes in HB. With all the sexual harassment that Angel Dust puts on Husk and others. (AND YES THERE IS NO WARNING IN EPISODE 4, FOR ITS HEAVY TOPICS! I do believe all series/movies with this need it. SPECIALLY IF IT'S SO GRAPHIC! "Sexual content" is not the same as a warning for SA or R-pe. An adult can see a movie with sex or sexual nutidy- when they see that- but it's different to get straight assault on screen. Victims can watch movies/series with sex in them all good, you cannot just group consensual sex in the same assault or R-pe...)

The thing where Mammon (the only fat character that isn’t from the fucking background.) is like FIZZ YOU NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT. AS IF SHE COULD EVEN DRAW ANY DIFFERENT BODY SHAPE WITHOUT DYING. Like there is only Mimzy (hasn't appeared yet, not given any importance. In the female lead show). Mammon the piece of shit (does the same as Blitz, but he is actually fully bad.) His design is done with 80 fucking layers on top. Like all the test of the skinny character's clothes suck up to their body except for Mammon. His body is hidden in layers upon layers of clothing (that's all you got?). All you main guys need to fill "the skinny have nothing men" and "skinny woman with big hips and legs, but no fucking stomach"?

AND YES! VIV DOES DO THE FUCKING, "FAT = FOOD LMAOOO". You know the thing HH fans and hater where like the "Bee needs to fat thing is bad, cause of fat = food (only food) is reductive and shitty"

(Can I refer to how the show Bojack H, make Diane gain weight cause of anti depressants- and it wasn't a joke! And she was happier too?)

(mine, from post right below)

... like is a bundle of issues. And Viv will never accept that she might be /or is wrong. That's why it hits the fan with stuff. -And again I liked many of the little concepts and stuff in HB and the original pilot of Hazbin. Shit- I still like Sir Pentious and Nifty. I do like Mammon as much as he is a pack of problems to call out, I fucking love the piece of shit Australian jester- The artist work hard on it, and I'm happy it's an openly queer! (as limited as it gets, too....). I liked Huni-cast, I loved the original voice cast! -and that happens! I could be writing this about other stuff too, not only Hazbin... if I created this blog earlier- IT WOULD ALL BE ABOUT RWBY, DANGANRONPA, even svtfoe...Ladybug... or Agretsuko's ending too. So yeah, sorry for the long post (as if all my post weren't)

[themonotonysyndrome]

Ě̸̡̞̱̘̹̮̫͚̯͍͕̟̪͂̀̋̉̾͛̂̑̅͜͝c̴̢̺̟̣̠̤̽͋͒̄̄͂̆̿͗̑̊̒̒̕ḧ̷͇͍͉͉̺͈͙́̀͆̀̒̒̅̒͒̔̽ó̶͔̜̓͛̓̂̔̆͌́͆̉͂͘͝͠es of regrets

So! I saw this post from @rivyx (if you like, I can untag you. Just wanna give credit where credit is due):

And I thought:

"Man. It's been a while since I broke my own heart. Oh! Angst between Geordi and Cutie? How about I make Geordi regret for making Cutie believe that they need to multiate and hide the magical part of themselves and even the Empowered world because he doesn't understand a Telepath's needs?"

Hence. This oneshot. Shout out to @moonandstarlightsposts for helping me come up with the title!

(Yes. Yes. I know. Cutie was canonically at fault, too. I just wanna focus on Geordi regretting his actions for a change.)

-

Summary: Second chances come and go. But for Geordi and Cutie, perhaps they should have let it go by.

First comes the awkwardness. 

It’s to be expected. A break was decided - no, needed - for the both of them after… well. No point in digging up bad memories. The two of them were heading down a dangerous spiral, and Geordi could no longer ignore the red flags. He’d been through too much to drown in toxicity and abuse again. Whether his partner realised it or not. And that’s the part that crushed his heart. A heart that Geordi painstakingly put back together with liquid gold and long nights of tearful frustrations. He told them about Ben. He told them how his ex callously disregarded his boundaries. And Cutie just - 

Therapy was something they agreed to during their break. Geordi needed to address old trauma that re-open like wounds and Cutie - 

‘I… I hope this isn’t me coming across as presumptuous, but one of my coworkers is a really good therapist. I think you’ll like him! His name is Cam - ’

‘I still have my old therapist’s number. Um. Thanks, though.’

‘O-Oh! Right. Of course. I should’ve thought of that. I just… never mind.’

That was the last text that Cutie sent. Even after they moved out of his apartment, the two continued to exchange careful messages with one another, awkwardly making sure not to step on each other’s landmines. However, as days gone by, the texts became more and more superficial: ’Morning. Have you eaten?’. ‘Just cereal. Thanks for checking up on me.’ ‘The weather forecast mentioned a thunderstorm. Don’t forget an umbrella, ok?’. When Cutie brought the subject of therapists to the table - 

The texts stopped after that. 

Geordi had no idea how lonely his existence truly was without Ben and Cutie. The two-bedroom apartment became too big. He cooked too much for a single person. His left side felt too exposed whenever his coworkers dragged him out for drinks and karaoke. It hurts. He has a habit of rubbing his left arm nowadays. 

His therapist is a kind woman, the kind that has laugh lines all over her face. Older than him, more at ease with her place in the world, unlike Geordi. She never judges him whenever he finds the courage to unravel before her. Ugly, jagged broken pieces for a heart. Gold and bitter tears for the next few months. 

Soon, a year passes. 

Something settled within Geordi then. New foundations were built. The world is a little less lonely now that he has opened up to his coworkers, reached out to some cousins on phones and slowly put himself out there again. He had fallen in love with building LEGOs recently. A hobby that happily kept him occupied while a slow, reverb version of Evil by Melanie Martinez plays in the background of the living room. 

It took a while, but he finally reached a point and mental headspace to put Cutie back into the equation. 

His therapist's words constantly echo in his head, grounding him whenever his fingertips run on the rim of their favourite mug, red with little ladybugs on the ceramic. Witty, funny, confident, mischievous and kind - Cutie’s best would always outshine their worst in Geordi’s eyes. Perhaps that’s why he subconsciously ignores the raising red flags the more and more they tested his boundaries. Anyway, being with Cutie brought out the best of Geordi in return, which he never even knew existed. He loved them, plain and simple. He loves learning about them and their world every day of the week. He was so happy and content whenever they were in his arms. Growing old together was something he thought about when they drove back home from his folks’. Cutie was fast asleep, with their head gently resting against the window of the car. That moment was magical in its own way. 

Geordi misses them. His incredible, one-of-a-kind partner. 

He thinks about them more often than not nowadays, wondering how therapy is going for them. Had they fallen in love with any new hobbies? Did Cutie make any new friends outside of the Department? If so, he wonders what they’re like. 

Thoughts turn to yearning. Yearning turns to Geordi, picking up his phone and texting Cutie first for once.

‘Hey. Good morning. How are you?’

The two of them never used to be awkward when they were a couple. Feeling hopeful, Geordi puts aside his phone as he continues about his day. Fixing himself a hearty lunch using a recipe that he can’t wait to share with Cutie and goes about doing the laundry afterwards. It’s only after his evening shower that a notification lights up on his phone screen. 

‘Hey. I’m alright. You?’

Superficial. That’s OK, though. Geordi is not giving up. 

The two resume texting every day soon enough as if the distance weren’t ever there. It makes him happy to be updated with every little thing that is going on in Cutie’s life. He spams GIFs and emojis at every picture they share and they, in return, slowly start to send over recorded audio of their little laughter and quips. It makes him miss them all the more. Enough to replay those audios over and over again whenever he can’t sleep at night. During those nights, his phone would always be on the right side of the bed.

Texting eventually evolves to calling when Geordi wakes up from a rather bad nightmare. Something so vague that it slipped from the recess of his conscious as he panted for air. Without even thinking about it, he presses on a familiar number. His call is answered almost immediately. 

“Geordi? Why are you awake around this hour?”

Relief floods into his very being. They once fondly tease him that, no, their voice isn’t magic. Unlike Vampires and their special eyes, Telepaths specialised in minds instead. It’s his love that makes their voice special and it’s love that dispels the lingering nightmare. 

“Geordi?” Cutie’s voice is hesitant at the end of the line. “Is everything ok? Do you have someone nearby that you can call for help?” 

“No! No, no. I’m fine.” Comes his quick assurance. The shirt that he brought to sleep is drenched in sweat. His hair is matted to his forehead. He feels gross, and yet he doesn’t want to put Cutie on loudspeaker while he cleans himself up. “I just… really miss you. So much.” 

Cutie’s reply is a whisper, “I-I miss you too. Can I ask if that’s the reason why you called me?” 

“Yeah… had a nightmare; can’t remember what it was about. What I do remember is how you used to bring me to the kitchen, and you’d make warm chocolate milk for the both of us to help. You’d then talked me through it, helped me calm me down. Did I ever thank you for that? Thank you, by the way.” 

“You’re welcome. I like taking care of you. And, uh, you did thank me. Always.” 

Geordi lets out a ragged sigh. Those happy moments were just what he needed. “Did I wake you up? I didn’t mean to.” 

“Nah, you’re good. I was doing some leftover documents for an assignment.” 

Cutie never used to stay up past midnight. They like to sleep early whenever they can due to how mentally, emotionally, and physically taxing their job as an intel extraction officer can be. Cutie often rants about how the Department inefficiently run things, especially when it comes to bureaucracy. Perhaps this is one of their new habits? Speaking of which - 

“How’s work treating you? Did you get that promotion?” 

“Work’s alright. Are you feeling better now?” 

Well, his heart was no longer racing, that’s for sure. But he still wants to hear their voice even through the static. “Like magic. You’re always the perfect cure for everything.” He waits for Cutie to laugh in that out-of-breath sort whenever he compliments them. Light and carefree.

Instead, they hum. 

“Glad to hear it. Are you going to try and go back to sleep?” 

“Only when you are, Cutie.” Geordi tries to flirt and perhaps coax them to rest for the evening. 

“Don’t worry about me. I’ll go to bed in a bit. Um. If that’s all - ”

Perhaps it’s because the nightmare that he can no longer recall had something to do with Cutie. Perhaps it’s because he hasn’t heard their voice properly in so, so long. Whatever it is, it gave Geordi a burst of courage. He quickly asks before Cutie can hang up, “Wait, wait! Can I see you, Cutie? I just want to talk. Please?” He swallowed thickly. “I think we’re ready to discuss about… us.” 

A thoughtful silence from Cutie. 

“I’d like that. Where do you want to meet up?” 

Geordi’s night becomes much sweeter after that. They talk and plan until his eyes grow heavy and Cutie’s documents are filed away. They even put him on loudspeaker and brought him to the bathroom so they could continue talking while they showered. God, the sounds of running water alone fill him with wants and images. He can’t stop picturing himself in that shower with them. So you can’t blame how incredibly giddy Geordi is when he finally sees Cutie walk up to the cafe the next day. They offered him a small smile as they made themselves comfortable across the table. Healthy and rocking a new fashion style when Geordi is busy absorbing every little detail about them. He could honestly stare at them like a work of art in the Louvre. 

“So I’m here…” Cutie says rather unnecessarily. They scratch their cheek nervously. “You wanted to talk?” 

He snaps out of a daze. Shit, he got distracted by his thoughts! For a split second, Geordi can’t help but wonder if they heard his inner ramblings. Judging by Cutie’s guarded expression, he lets out a sigh of relief. It sets his heart at ease to learn about this new side of Cutie. “Yeah. Thanks for agreeing to meet up with me. You look… god, Cutie. You look amazing.” 

“Thanks! You’re not too bad on the eye yourself.” Cutie’s smile is wider now. “We’ve practically caught up to speed with each other lives for a while now. So, this is it. Whatever you decide, I’ll respect it this time. I promise.” 

That assurance dissolves any doubts that Geordi might have harboured. He’s more sure about his next few words than ever before. “I still want us to be together, Cutie. That never changed. Even when we were on a break, I had no one else. I love you, even when you broke my heart. Do you… do you still feel the same?” 

Cutie reaches out to hold his hand, which is gripping a fork so tightly. He didn’t even realise it. The moment when skin meets skin, a familiar warmth spread across his arm. It’s like sunshine thawing out the chills in his bone marrow. He lets go of the fork in favour of holding their hand and squeezes it. “My feelings haven’t changed too. I love you so damn much, Geordi. I know I said it before, but I’m so sorry for hurting you. Words alone aren’t enough to promise you that I won’t do it again, but I’ll make sure my actions make up for it. From now on, you’ll lead where this relationship is going. I’ll follow” Steely determination glimmers behind Cutie’s eyes. God, they look so hot! Would his therapist finally judge him if he asked Cutie to drag him to the bathroom for a quickie? It’s been too long since they’re in him. 

“Geordi? Are you ok? You look flush.” Some of that hesitation creeps back into Cutie. Dimming that spark of fire. He panics when their hand tugs back. 

“Yeah! Sorry. My head’s a bit of a mess.” He begins to explain. Here, he lowered his voice; his eyes lidded. “Maybe you can make sense of it? You might like what you find, Cutie…” 

“Oh!” For some reason, Cutie looks positively alarmed. A deer in a headlight. He had never seen that kind of look on their face before. Their sudden reaction threw Geordi off guard. Any lustful thoughts are completely replaced with concern now. “Maybe later. So, uh, where do we go from here? I can’t move back in just yet due to my apartment lease. Or do you want things to stay as they are right now for a little while longer?” 

Continue this distance between them? Geordi doesn’t think he’s that strong of a man.

“Feel free to move in any time you can. My place is your home. You know that.” 

That gorgeous smile slowly returns. This is Cutie at their best. After that day, things begin falling into place without a hitch. Cutie is back in his life. They bring their clothes and toiletries over when their lease is up - 

“You kept my mug?” 

“Of course I did, silly. Why would I throw it out?” 

“Right… right. Sorry.” 

“Cutie? Is something wrong?” 

“Nah, don’t worry about it. Say, that recipe you bookmarked earlier, why don’t you let me take a crack at it? I’ll handle dinner tonight!” 

- their routines fall into one once more, and Geordi couldn’t be happier. His world is no longer filled with silence and bitterness.

Second comes the realisation. 

Geordi has been riding high on cloud nine ever since Cutie settled back into his apartment, into his life. Waking up to their sleeping face feels like a dream that he never wants to end. Their giggling when he rouses them with kisses is a bonus. He loves greeting the morning sun with a partner who is happy and satiated from the night before. And if Cutie is in the mood to play? Well! He’s more than happy to ruin the sheets for the third time in the span of six hours. 

And don’t even get him started on domestic bliss. 

Since Cutie’s work hours are a lot more flexible than Geordi’s, he’s forever grateful that they always have a pot of hot coffee ready for him on the table and a sweet kiss before he dashes out for the day. If he returns before traffic picks up in the evening, the couple would either go out for a dinner date or stay at home and binge-watch a new series while they eat in the living room. They alternate in cooking and cleaning depending on their schedule, but Cutie seems to have a habit of doing both whenever they can. The coworkers that he invited over for DnD sessions would whistle and nudge him on the shoulder when they looked around the spotless apartment, praising him for scoring the perfect partner after Cutie left them with a tray of snacks and drinks. Internally, Geordi preens. 

When the weekends roll around, and it’s just the two of them lazying together in their sweats and old t-shirts, Geordi and Cutie would spend time together by combining their new hobbies. Geordi would lose himself in another LEGO building project while Cutie reads a novel on their phone on the couch. His favourite playlists play on and on, wrapping the couple in a peaceful cocoon. 

That is until - 

Geordi blinks, back in the present, when he suddenly hears the sliding door of the balcony softly shut. He sees Cutie outside talking on the phone, their back against him. He watches them moving their free hand animatedly for a few seconds longer before focusing back on the tower that he had been building. When the sliding door shuts again, he absentmindedly asks, “Hey, Cutie? What are you in the mood for lunch? Do you want to go to that Chinese restaurant down the street or…” His words trail off the moment he notices the frustrated lines on his partner's forehead. Their eyes were exhausted all of a sudden. Before he could say anything, his partner flashed an apologetic smile. 

“Work called. Something came up. I need to step out in a bit, but I should have some time to make lunch - ”

Geordi stops them right there and then. He doesn’t want them to get more stressed out, especially when an emergency - he assumed - just happened. “No, no. Don’t sweat it. How about you go get ready while I make us lunch? I’d rather you have something in your stomach before you leave.” He replies, already up on his feet. 

Deer in a headlight on Cutie. Again. What’s going on? “I can do it. It’s your rest day after all - ”

“Nu-uh. You just get your pretty ass in the shower, alright? I’ll have your favourites ready as soon as you step out of our bedroom door again.” Geordi assures them, but in reality? He’s so confused. They never so stressed out about cooking before. Seriously, what’s going on? 

Cutie eventually nods. They kiss him on the cheek and make a beeline for the bathroom while Geordi takes out a wok and spatula. Their strange behaviour remains in his mind as he makes spicy stir-fry noodles. Now that he thinks about it, they’ve been going along with everything he likes nowadays. Cooking his favourite meals, making sure the laundry is clean and folded, helping him with the LEGOs, hanging out with his friends and letting him initiate intimacy and sex every time. They laugh when he tells jokes, as cheesy as they are. Apart from their clothes and toiletries, they haven’t brought back their Digimon plushies, or any of their physical books on the shelves. They hate horror movies, but when he absentmindedly suggests they watch Saint Maud, they agree without any hesitation. 

It’s like they’re a satellite, faithfully orbiting Geordi’s every need and want. Why… why did he never notice that before? And when was the last time they went out to Cutie’s favourite restaurant again? When was the last time they did what Cutie wanted for a change? 

Ah. Geordi remembers now. It was before they went on a break. 

Something’s wrong with Cutie. Shit! Why didn’t he notice it before!? Was he truly caught up in his own world that he utterly neglected his partner’s? 

The noodles are hot and plated, ready on the table, but Geordi feels so cold and empty. Guilt was heavy in his stomach. His grin is stiff when Cutie finally emerges wearing their standard work fit. Even in black slacks and a white collared shirt, Cutie looks like a model ready for the runway. They tuck into their meal, but Geordi doesn’t have much appetite for it. So many thoughts clash with one another in his head like angry hornets. He doesn’t even know where to start or what to ask. At times like this, Cutie would slip into his mind and act as his anchor. But ever since they got back together again - 

“What time would you be coming home?” Is what comes out from Geordi’s lips, frustrated with himself. 

Cutie stops washing their dishes to turn around. “If all goes well? In the evening. Probably before midnight, so you don’t have to wait up or put aside dinner for me. I can just grab something when I leave the office.” 

And that’s another thing that Geordi just now realised. They don’t talk about work as much as they did before. When asked, sure, Cutie would always answer him, but it was never more than a, “Oh, my cases? Some old, same old.”, “These documents are pretty boring, actually. Something for the higher-ups to keep in their record.”, “The therapist I mentioned before? Oh, you mean Cam? He’s still working on the floor above mine.” Lukewarm. Tepid. Those are the kinds of replies that Cutie would often give him before the conversation seamlessly shifts to another topic. 

Not once have they performed magic around him. In fact, ever since they got back together again, Cutie’s voice is constantly absent in his mind. 

Suddenly, Geordi feels sick. He forces himself to put on a brave face, a mask that tells his partner that everything is alright, because their eyebrows begin to furrow in hesitation. 

And now he knows why. 

“Call me when you leave?” Geordi tries not to plead. His voice didn’t crack, that good. The last thing he wants is to get the love of his life in trouble with their superiors. They never did tell him if they received that promotion or not. 

It’s a bittersweet victory when Cutie smiles again. “Sure! Have fun with your project, baby.” 

They exchange a long kiss; he wonders if they find it weird that Geordi is reluctant to pull their lips away from him. He weeps and weeps into his hands when they leave the apartment. What has he done? Oh god, Cutie… he didn’t mean to. He didn’t mean to drive them into cutting a part of themselves in order to make him happy. He didn’t mean to be so blinded when they made themselves smaller and smaller if that’s what they thought would make him happy. Would let them stay in his life. 

He didn’t mean to hurt Cutie. He didn’t mean for any of this to happen! He thought that - he had hoped they got better, not - why couldn’t they just talk - has he become Ben? 

Mrs Potato Head plays on and on while Geordi struggles to breathe. 

Finally, in comes the heartbreak. 

Geordi didn’t even wait for Cutie to come back. The moment he regained control of himself, he ran out with his phone and wallet. His eyes are rimmed-red, just like the setting sun behind him. He knows which streets are veiled against people like him; he just hopes he can ask for help from any Empowered folks who might be entering the Department. He has to fix this. He desperately needs to talk to Cutie. He needs them to know that he loves every part of them, that he loves the magical world as much as they do. 

However, when he cuts through the park, he freezes. 

Sitting on a bench a little further from the playground is his partner, crying in the arms of a stranger. Cracks begin to form in Geordi’s heart. He’s too far away to hear what they’re saying, but judging from how the stranger does the talking and Cutie sighs and sniffles, it clued him in pretty quickly that they’re talking through him via telepathy. The stranger smiles sadly and offers them a handkerchief. His body language is serene, but the expression on his beautiful face is tight and worried. Is he a coworker? Another lover? Geordi doesn’t know what to believe anymore. Stricken, he watches them pat the stranger’s hand and gathers up their things. Leaving him on the bench as Cutie makes their way out of the park. 

It’s at that moment that Geordi’s phone rings. He answers the call without a word. 

“Hey, baby. Just left the office.” Cutie’s voice is hoarse. They clear their throat. This time, they sound more like themselves again - fake and bright. “Turns out one of the interns needed a stand-in instructor for tomorrow’s fieldwork. Since I’m on the way home, do you want me to grab anything?” 

Geordi watches them wait at the same bus stop from which he just got off. “Why haven’t you talked to me through my head?” 

“…Geordi, I’m out right now. Can we maybe talk about this at home?” 

“OK. Why have you stopped ironing your work clothes with your hands?” 

“I-I like using your new iron instead. What’s going on, Geordi? Did I do something wrong? Look, tell me how I can fix it, please? I don’t… I don’t know what I did wrong…” 

Is this how it will always be when they’re together? Hurting each other whether they mean to or not? Acts of love turning into subservience? 

The weaker side of him can’t help but wonder if it was a mistake for him and Cutie to get back together again if it means new sorrows and new regrets will always sour their relationship.